#this took me like 4 hours and once every 20 minutes i had to chant ''FUCK IT WE BALL'' in my mind thru clenched teeth in order to keep going

[seth-burroughs]

And you hate your boss at your job, well, in your dreams you can blow his head off.

#mine #art tag #rain code #master detective archives: rain code #seth burroughs #fucking WET. WET CAT. #yakou voice: quit your job. join my emo agency #i believe all rain code men should have longer hair. why wouldn't they. #this took me like 4 hours and once every 20 minutes i had to chant ''FUCK IT WE BALL'' in my mind thru clenched teeth in order to keep going

[spoopy-fish-writes]

Summary of so far because I got WiFi literally 2 minutes ago 👍

Random plane + trip thoughts under the cut ofc because there’s a lot <3

My mum knows people in Germany, in the Netherlands, in Italy, and yet the one place where she doesn’t know anyone is the specific part of Egypt that we’re flying to are you kidding me

I’m gonna start knocking out children on this plane fr shut up

I need to go to the bathroom so bad but I would rather die than go to the bathroom on a plane :/

I took a nap but it was only like 20 minutes and I wasn’t fully asleep so I could still hear everyone around me this is so upsetting what was the point of the nap

Being on this plane felt more like I was in a car honestly it was moving and shaking so much even when there wasn’t turbulence wtf. It was so scary man fr like every time we would hit turbulence the lady on the communicator would give the seatbelt warning sounding so scared and her voice was so shaky and it would constantly be cutting off like please I’m already worried about this trip don’t tell me you’re worried about crashing because of this too

Everyone on the plane was so loud and I have even more reason to hate iPad kids and parents that raise their children on technology

Maybe if your kid wasn’t so used to only going to sleep if they were watching something then they would have been asleep and not screaming the whole time we were on the plane and I also wouldn’t have to listen to Little Baby Bum for 90% of the trip. PLUS THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THESE KIDS DROPPED THEIR IPADS ON THE FLOOR JUST HOLD THEM FOR THEM OR GET THEM TO SLEEP

There was a group of like 4 toddlers who had like 5 minutes where they just chanted “baby shark baby shark baby shark” like they were trying to summon something

I realised like half way through the flight that I’ve never stayed in a hotel before and I got so anxious for no reason about it. It’s only for a day and a bit as well though it might have been my concern over the fact that I didn’t pack a toothbrush or hairbrush since I assumed that we were going directly to my house instead of staying 2 days in a hotel before getting another plane to get to the house but also it’s normal to assume that a hotel in Egypt would have that available to you

Meeting people from Egypt while being Egyptian is like having an internet friendship and the same with meeting someone from England while being English but this exclusively applies to parties and such in that context but it only lasts for like 3 hours before you never see each other again for the next 7 years where one of you miraculously recognises the other. You learn their entire life story within the first 10 minutes and only learn their name after it’s been 4 hours and one of you thinks to ask just before the other leaves but you never give each other your numbers and never intend to see them ever again.

I hate planes now though fr I cannot take the hour flight home just give me the 8 hour trip by coach to my house

Realised while on the plane that it’s Heaven Official’s blessing and not Heaven’s official blessing 💀

The second one sounds so correct 😭

Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian’s interactions >>>>

They are besties and I love them. Dianxia please save me from the reality that Shi Qingxuan is eventually going to die 🙏

Xie Lian really delivers one of the most lines ever in the series and then just goes “haha, can we please pretend I never said that just ignore that it ever happened please stop looking at me like that-“

Why did everyone clap when the plane landed

No one on this plane knows anything about Egypt omg “I can’t see the pyramids where’s the desert” MY GUY YOU ARE NOT IN GIZA

Forgot how lanky Egyptian guys are there mfs are TALL

Everyone is so annoyed that we’re Egyptian lmao because as soon as they heard that we came from Britain they assumed that they could scam us out of an extra £15 for a taxi ride that was 10 minutes long and such and came running but started arguing and complaining once they realised that we knew the actual prices for the stuff and services that they were selling and how the system in Egypt worked when it came to British and American people

We need to buy plugs for the chargers because both my phone and my mums are dying and we have the charger but no plugs because my mum assumed that they would have plugs at the hotel. They didn’t. Which was weird. Because it’s basically common courtesy here that hotels have things like toothbrushes and hair brushes and plugs. Realised it’s because they had a terrible group of guests that literally stole everything from pepper to toilet paper when they left literally the day before so that’s not on them

Need to draw :/

I HATE Jun Wu right? But people who draw him with greying hair are. Y’all are right. Keep doing that.

NORMALLY that doesn’t make a person more attractive to me it’s just with him and Leo BUT he has such a detestable face to me that giving him the grey hair makes me go 👀 BECAUSE IM NOT REGISTERING HIM IN MY HEAD AS THE SAME PERSON BUT ALSO I AM BUT A DIFFERENT VERSION OF HIM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN and also he’s not one of the exceptions I have to young looking powerful people that I like. He just needed to look older and more correct. It’s… the dilfness. Yano

Don’t look at me or say anything I saw a tik tok with Jun Wu with grey hair and it reminded me of some yandere stuff I wanted to write for pre calamity Jun Wu and I am never going to recover from that because I don’t actually fully remember what the thing itself was and I’m not normal anymore

I’m not gonna have wifi until tomorrow or be able to charge my phone help

I can see why Sharm El Sheikh is such a popular tourist spot now the ocean there is SO clear

Also a flying fish jumped a little ways in front of my mum which was cool

You can see schools of fish around really close to the shore there has to be a reef close by

There was a reef close by!!

I went diving which was really cool but I got bit by a bloody Parrot fish that wouldn’t leave me alone for the whole thing hate that guy and he’s in every photo that we took while scuba diving like get out this isn’t about you

The reef was so cool though but it would have been cooler if I could actually see because my goggles were fogged up a bunch :/

Found a bunch of coral on the beach also which was fun and very cool looking which I’m taking with me back to England

I found a bunch before I went diving and most of it was white so I assumed that it was a dying reef nearby considering how close the fish were but it was probably just really old coral at that point

There was a bunch of clams in the reef as well and you could see the blue outline of the mouth and I’m so upset I didn’t bring a waterproof camera with me or as the camera guy that came diving with me to take photos of the reef too

Please if anyone knows of a fic anywhere where Shi Qingxuan chooses He Xuan when they’re given the ultimatum please please please tell me I need it so bad it’s important

Half because I could never be strong enough to choose my brother over He Xuan as myself currently because it’s He Xuan how am I meant to say no to the black water sinking ships when they look that fine alright but like I get why Shi Qingxuan did because their brother isn’t my brother ofc and I would kill to have Shi Wudu as a brother but I need to know what would happen in a situation where Shi Qingxuan decides, not necessarily when asked but at a point when it would still have a significant impact to choose He Xuan that their brother fucked up but big time or such and such. I need to.

Oh yeah the other half is just because I want beefleaf content. Might not be able to read it until I’m back in England though </3

Got given a plug I’m unstoppable now 👍

The son of the owner of the hotel found out that a fish bit me and said that people say it’s good luck because fish rarely do that here. Then followed up by saying that he doesn’t know who people is but they say it

My mum switched to my brother’s fiancé’s Egyptian SIM card so we can use data here until we can get my cousin’s old one for her and then I’ll take the fiancé’s one but that’s not the point of this and she is getting so many spam calls like girl what did you do to have someone from Seattle calling you 2 minutes after someone from Denmark 😭

Why can I remember my aunts address but half the time can’t remember my dads phone number. Keep in mind I haven’t been to this aunts house in 7 or so years and the last time I had to say my dads number to myself or someone else was literally 2 months ago

I’ve taken so many naps while at this hotel like I’ve spent most of this day sleeping randomly

We’re getting a coach to our next destination at 5am please don’t do this to me. AND we have to get a taxi before to get to the pick up and after the drop off to go to the villa

We’re late for the coach 💀

Egyptians and their weird ringtones I’ve been listening to random songs and sounds as ringtones for the past day and a bit. It might just be hotel people here though my mum uses the default one on her phone

Driving laws DO NOT exist here help lmao

Need fo figure out how to change my time zone it’s just not doing that automatically and I’m done with adding 2 hours on every time I look at the time

They’re talking about us getting stopped by police on the way and bringing in sniffer dogs on the coach :/

These people are too casual about taking their hands off the wheel while driving 60km but all of the roads are empty and we’re on a main road and also in Egypt so yeah makes sense

No wonder they’re so upset that we’re Egyptian there are no tourists here wtf. Christmas is their second biggest time for tourists and there’s no one here they get most of their revenue from tourists but it’s 5am and everything is already closed this never happens

I need to stop taking naps I’m hungry for some reason and I’m never hungry and it’s weird and hurts and I don’t like it and the naps are the only things that’s different about my day. If anything I’ve been eating MORE than usual so I’m very confused

On the coach and slightly less hungry despite not eating anything. Teeth feel and taste weird though because I couldn’t find the toothpaste because it’s somewhere at the bottom of one of the bags because we repacked after the day in the hotel :/

I’ve been falling asleep in exactly hour and a half intervals on the coach each time wtf I’m taking too many naps and still feeling tired this is evil and cruel and horrible and wretched

I haven’t seen my room in several years but I remember exactly how it looks I’m really excited to go back to it tbh

Omg I’m gonna take so many of my old toys back with me to England they’re all in this big basketball container thing that I used to use the lid of for pretend surfing when I was younger and am definitely going to this time too while I’m not sharing the room with my sister but if I don’t find my lion toy I’m going to scream and cry and also my old McDonald’s toys

My mum wants to go to my grandma’s house first thing after we get back to our house but my grandma doesn’t even know we’re in Egypt do you want to kill or get killed by this poor woman 😭

Omg I finally have a chance to show you the waterfall in my house!!

The waterfall doesn’t have any water in it rn :(

I have so many mosquito bites but they’re all on my hands hello???

Hugged a male cousin that I used to be really close with when I was younger that was a mistake my mum is constantly bringing up the fact that she would never allow him to marry me please shut up he’s basically my brother stop talking

THERES APPARENTLY A MASSIVE CENTIPEDE IN THE VILLA HELP

My dads already left it a complete mess please I can’t deal with having to get rid of a centipede as wel

There’s no centipede 👍

I’m less upset with my dad leaving the place a mess than him saying that he paid a bunch of money to get it done and cleaned but clearly having done none of that. He’s done as much as he could on his own downstairs but upstairs just has a bunch of his stuff strewn around for no reason in rooms that he had no reason to go into

Gonna get wifi and data soon 🙏

Finished the matching Scara wallpaper 👍 Now I need to go eat something that’s gonna knock 5 years off my life

Need to add Scaras hat but I don’t know if they’ve fixed the WiFi yet so I don’t know what it looks like exactly and all of the dust in the house is gonna have me incapacitated help

I took pain killers for my headache but I didn’t eat or drink anything prior so I think I’m worse

There’s a painting of my dad here in colour but it used to be in black and white. I don’t know where he got it coloured but they’ve just taken a picture of the original painting and put it through an AI and then painted random parts on top of it and it looks so much worse than it used to :/

His whole face is blurred like his skin and clothes and hair has negative texture now

I have breathed in so much dust help I’m going to die

WiFi isn’t working :/

My room is now clean and livable!! :D

Cleaned out the secret compartment behind my mirror so I can shove my coral and jewellery and such behind it 👍

I am reliving so many memories but I found the lion toy and a rabbit toy and a pug toy that I remember loving so much and also my pink poodle but he’s missing his nose but I need to wash the first three so I can sleep with them and also take them back with me to England

Living around English people for so long without coming here has made me forget that Egyptians primarily communicate via screaming at each other

I’m trying so hard to beat the not able to speak Arabic allegations that my mum spread because she didn’t think I could because I never spoke it with her because I just didn’t want to but it’s so hard when my hearing is shit and I can’t hear what anyone is saying I understand you I promise but give me a second please I cannot hear you I don’t know what you’re saying

I’ve written 4 fics in the past 2 days I am living truly. Gonna finish the Genshin secret Santa fic today too if I can as well as some extras for my mutual beloveds >:]

#spoopy fish rambles

[grimelords]

So since the last time I posted one of these the entire world has changed dramatically and hopefully 4 hours of music will tide you over in quarantine for a bit longer. Strangely I’ve been busier than ever, and what started as a personal challenge to listen to a new album every day in February turned into me listening to 116 new albums in March and 124 in April. I’ve got a stacked google doc full of star ratings and dates now and it’s really been a lot of fun, I highly recommend trying it yourself. This is my March playlist, because I accidentally took a month off, and I’m thinking of either switching these playlists to weekly to make them a little more digestible or just dropping them whenever. Who knows. Let me know what you think and drop album recommendations in the comments please.

Listen here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0k1JjT8fXcUFO6VpM3kaez?si=gWSv88vdShKSnHhLJ_80pQ

If you’d like to receive these playlists in a more digestible email format, please subscribe to my tinyletter here: http://tinyletter.com/grimelords

On A Slow Boat To China - Bing Crosby & Peggy Lee: Ok first off it’s amazing this song isn’t more racist. I don't remember now how or why I came across this. I think I was just thinking about crooners and how as a genre it's now existed in common popularity as a nostalgic idyll of a mytholigised past far longer than it was ever actually popular which is interesting. The origin of this song, according to wikipedia, is also one of the most 40s ideas I've ever read: "I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China" was a well-known phrase among poker players, referring to a person who lost steadily and handsomely. The idea being that a "slow boat to China" was the longest trip one could imagine. Loesser moved the phrase to a more romantic setting, yet it eventually entered general parlance to mean anything that takes an extremely long time".

Fight Night - Migos: I saw that Offset had some new show on Quibi the extremely fake sounding streaming service and I thought "how did Migos get so world conqueringly large that they get to make 10 minute shows nobody will watch for a $2 billion venture capital funded app that will never make any money?" They seem to have this massive reputation without having much to back it up. The last thing I remember everyone talking about was how Culure II was two hours long in order to game streaming numbers and was simply not good. They seemed to have sort of settled into making background music for scrolling instagram. But then I remembered Fight Night and I thought: "oh wait, that's right, Migos are fucking great". Where their other big hits like Bad And Boujee and Walk It Talk It have this sort of laid back vibe where they've comfortably nailed the formula and relax onto it, Fight Night commands your attention. StackboyTwan killed the beat - it has this propulsive momentum where it feels like it's constantly ramping up, moving up from the sidesick and bassline in the verse, up to the claps on the beat, and the big gang chants on the offbeat once the full instrumentation kicks in - then it just goes around and around and around with the constant bassline the whole tim. It's a perfect all-rise production because it never actually explodes, it's all building tension held down by an unchanging bassline.

Do It Puritan! - El Hombre Trajeado & Sue Tompkins: I am extremely delighted to announce that Sue Tompkins of one of my all time favourite single album bands Life Without Buildings has broken a nearly 20 year musical hiatus to appear on this song by El Hombre Trajeado. It is so nice to hear how her voice has changed and her approach has stayed the same. Her style is so unique and so good and I don't think I'll ever get tired of it.

5 8 6 - New Order: Before 'the incident' I had tickets to see New Order at the end of March and so I embarked on a big listen through of their discography, which has now unfortunately made it feel even worse that live music is cancelled indefinitely.

Oom Sha La La - Haley Heynderickx: First of all I love songs where they talking about how they're writing a song halfway through. And I love songs that seem like a pretty normal singer songwriter indie thing where someone just starts screaming near the end. I love this song. A great staring at the wall and absolutely losing your mind because you haven't done anything with your whole life anthem.

Elektrobank - The Chemical Brothers: Can you believe I've never listening to a full Chemical Brothers album before this month? Can you believe big beat ever went our of style? It feels insane that we ever swapped this sort of energy for the beige algorithm of EDM. I think there's a real triumph in this album, and in this track especially of replicating the live feeling in studio. Giving it this much space to grow and change and get very hairy near the end is amazing, it feels like it was just recorded live.

My Mind's A Ship (That's Going Down) - Katie Pruitt: It feels very rare to me that this sort of extremely smooth Nashville prduction actually makes a song better. It has a habit of strangling the life out of a song and making it blend into a boring paste of soundalikes, but with Katie Pruitt it works amazingly. Her songwriting is so distinct and clear and her voice, especially near the end where it punches hole in the sky, is so strong and so her own that it doesn't need anything else.

Water - Ohmme: "What if Tegan And Sara were a noise band instead?" is a question I didn't know I needed an answer to. I love any band that has the guts to write songs like this that sound like pop from an alternate history, so off kilter and odd and noisy but with this undeniable pop heart that the duo vocals make sound like schoolyard clapping chants remixed by Lightning Bolt.

Lions, Tigers and Bears - SLIFT: A friend put me on to Slift and described them as French King Gizz and really, I'm inclined to agree. This is the traditional long last song at the end of their new album, and as usual I am advocating that every song should be the long last song at the end of the album. I love this style of jam where everyone else goes to space but the rhythm section just digs in and works hard as fuck for ten minutes. Then the whole last 3 minutes of the song are just fat drone riffs. This song's got everything.

The Pines - 070 Shake: This 070 Shake album is unbeleivably good and it warms my heart to see the dark energy of The Pines live on through another century in yet another permutation. I have more to say about it later in the Jackson C Frank version coming up but it feels like this 070 Shake album kind of came and went but I implore you to listen, it’s an aoty contender for sure.

Standing On The Verge Of Getting It On - Funkadelic: If you can stop thinking about the intro, which I certainly can’t (Hey lady won’t you be my dog and I’ll be your tree and you can pee on me.) there is so much goodness in this song. For a while now I’ve been thinking about how, for lack of a better word, ‘positive’ music is consistently underrated in the critical canon. Dance music, disco and funk especially are derided as empty sugar music, while every cookie cutter metal band absolutely demands to be taken seriously. In dance music this manifests as genres like tech house sucking all the fun and individuality out of music until it’s just an endless parade of producers working to a schematic of the barest essentials. It feels like you can’t have fun and be taken seriously at the same time, which feels like an obvious contradiction but shouldn’t be!

Spoils - Dry Cleaning: Dry Cleaning are my Lock Of The Month Band To Watch In The Future Because They’re Gonna Go Off. They have such a great sound and I’m desperate for an album because I just need more. This song absolutely knocked me down when I first heard it. I love any band where it sounds like the singer has just wandered in while the rest of them were rehearsing. There’s a very good talking-songs movement happening in the UK right now between these guys, Do Nothing and Fontaines D.C and i’m excited to see where it progresses. I might put together a playlist a little later to show you what I mean.

As - Stevie Wonder: I finally listened to Songs In The Key Of Life this month, which is an experience I would recommend to everyone. This shit goes for 21 songs over 105 minutes and absolute bangs the whole way. The original release of this album was a double LP plus a 7", which is yet another reason I am grateful for streaming that I don't have to buy a damn box set to hear this thing.

Sleep Now In The Fire - Rage Against The Machine: I am working on a very niche playlist called Songs Where The Guitar Amp Accidentally Picks Up A Nearby Radio Station For A Couple Of Seconds and it's only 3 songs so far. A Man A Plan A Canal Panama by The Fall Of Troy, Melody 4 by Tera Melos and Sleep Now In The Fire by Rage Against The Machine. In every single one of those songs it feels like a critical component even though it's just an accident that's been left in because it sounds good. Here it's the perfect ending as the rage dies down and the commercial world fades back in. Anyway, my other question about this song is about the great Michael Moore directed video where they famously shut down Wall Street for an afternoon. There's a shot of a guy for a second holding a sign that says Donald Trump For President in 1999. Which is odd but not out of the question, he's been famous for a long time and there's always been freaks. My question is why the fuck did he have that sign that day? Was he amongst the Rage Against The Machine Fans that showed up? A counter protestor? Was he, perhaps most chillingly of all, just walking idly around Wall Street with his Donald Trump For President sign like usual and stumbled upon this whole hoo-haa accidentally?

Applause (Purity Ring Remix) - Lady Gaga: Did you fucking know that Purity Ring did a remix of Applause? If there’s something I’d love to know more about and it’s Purity Ring’s forays into pop production. After their first album they did some production for rappers like Danny Brown in the great track 25 Bucks, which is a good fit really - their sound is witch house with the tempo pushed back up, witch house of course just being chopped and screwed reinvented by tumblr users. So it’s a natural fit to take that new perspective back into the world of hip hop. They also did this fantastic remix of Applause after their first album. Then, after their second album they produced 3 songs for Katy Perry’s Witness album, and one Katy Perry song for a Final Fantasy mobile game soundtrack (?) and feel like the long silence and delay between their second and third albums is because of more behind the scenes pop production work - but if that’s true, where is it? Is it, as I suspect, part of my own personal Pepe Silvia, Katy Perry’s scrapped 2019 album that has vanished into thin air? Or is it part of Chromatica? I think Purity Ring have solidified an interesting place in pop, paving the way for Billie Eilish and Kim Petras’ dark anti-pop and so i’m excited to see where they go after this new album now that they’re the architects of the new wave.

React/Revolt - Drahla: The smartest thing you can do is add a saxophone to your band. The whole first half of this song could go for 20 minutes of growling screaming saxophone post-punk and I wouldn't mind. Then when the second half of the song kicks in it's fantastic in the way this whole Drahla album is: it's tight and sprawling post-punk at the same time with a complicated structure that seems to just pile onto itself instead of ever circling back.

And I Was Like - Porridge Radio: I'm seemingly having a real thing this month for songs that open with a bizzare acapella chant. Between this and the Funkadelic one it's a genre I'm very interested in hearing more of. Isaac Newton was a virgin and it's important to recognise that. The thing I love about this song is how it's in 3 distinc sections: Isaac Newton was a virgin, she's a birthday girl in a birthday world, and mum no please it's grunge, and they all feel like the concentrated energy of a 14 year old's thoughts. She sounds like she's almost crying when she sings 'she's a birthday girl in a birthday world'. The concentrated confusing teenaged energy of this song is just overwhelming.

Dirty Mattresses - Mama's Broke: So much of contemporary 'traditional folk' either exists as pure nostalgia music or as music that's trying too hard to be 'authentic' and evoke a mythology of a bygone time, but Mama's Broke manage to make it feel new and modern but honest and  authentic at the same time. The super close harmonies and modern approach remind me of House And Land who I also love, but the songwriting is in another class entirely.

Building A House - CHOPCHOP: I don't know if you've ever seen Bad Boy Bubby but CHOPCHOP feels a little like the band that he ends up joining at the end. A musical ensemble built to enable the will of a very strange man. I think the band is from the UK and I'm not sure where the singer is from, but he has this incredible deeply accented voice that brings such a gravity to everything he sings in the way that anyone speaking english as a second language accidentally brings new weight to common turns of phrase.

Universal Soldier - Jay Electronica: It feels fitting, looking back, that Jay Electronica finally released his album right before the world ended. It was literally now or never. Some how Jay-Z is the breakout star of this album for me. He's got some of his best verses in years on here and he's a great opposition to Electronica's flow when they trade verses. I would also, as an aside, like to know the origin of the kids cheering sample throughout this, because it's the same one from AM//Radio by Earl Sweatshirt and Wish You Were Gay by Billie Eilish. So what's that about.

Sticky Hulks - Thee Oh Sees: I've been very slowly getting into Oh Sees and I love them a lot so far. Their unweildy, huge discography spread across a lot of variations of the same name makes digging into them very rewarding as well. There's a great line on their wiki detailing all the times they've changed their name that goes: Orinoka Crash Suite (1997–2003), OCS (2003–2005, 2017), Orange County Sound (2005), The Ohsees (2006), The Oh Sees (2006–2008), Thee Oh Sees (2008–2017), Oh Sees (2017–2019) Osees (2019) to give you some idea of what we're working with here. Basically it's just everything you could want from a pychedelic band like this: a history and discography as shaggy as the songs themselves.

Knife On The Platter - BODEGA: In reading about Bodega I learned that they don't have a drummer in the traditional sense. They have someone credited as a 'stand up percussionist', and in listening back I realised that's they key to the groove in their music. He's not playing a kit he's just slamming at a tom and a snare on a rack, while one of the singers plays hi-hat here and there. So all the drumming has this barebones caveman feel to it and I absolutely love it. The band feels a lot like The Fashion, and that whole mid-2000s dance-punk movement that I've been desparate to come back so naturally I love it a lot.

Against Gravity - Horse Lords: Horse Lords are one of the most incredible bands I've heard in a long time. Somewhere between a more analogue Battles and Laddio Bolocko, they make a kind of churning math-jazz that sounds like huge intersecting squares of rhythm slowly overlapping. It feels like there's an infinite depth in these songs, you can listen and focus on a single instrument and see it shifting in and out of place with everyone else, before you lose it again and it retreats back into the swirling mass.

Plain To See Plainsman - Colter Wall: I've been listening to this Colter Wall album a lot, and it's really beginning to rank among my all time favourites. I grew up around the flattest place in the southern hemisphere, so I love the plains and it's very nice to have a cowboy song I can relate to like that.

The Nail - Sarah Shook & The Disarmers: Sarah Shook has so much character in her voice I completely love it. She is also a fantastic songwriter that manages to make outlaw country punk that sounds authentic and doesn't have the rockabilly posturing that a lot of the genre suffers from.

Inner Reaches 慾望的暗角二 - Gong Gong Gong 工工工: The best thing about Gong Gong Gong is you can listen to this whole song before you realise they don't have a drummer. They're a guitar and bass duo that play and sing with such a layered rhythmic intensity between the two of them that they really don't need one. A drummer would just clutter the space already taken up by their ferocious rhythm.

Country Pie - Bob Dylan: I'm a big fan of Bob Dylan's dumb songs. He has a lot where if it's the first song you ever heard from him you would be mad at whoever told you he was the greatest songwriter to ever live for trying to trick you like this. What I especially love about this song is how abruptly it ends, like dad just came home and everyone panicked cause they're know they're not supposed to be staying up that late.

You Did It Yourself - Arthur Russell: It seems hard to believe that I've only just found out about Arthur Russel. He seems to be a mainstay of Music Guy lists and somehow I've only heard of him this month. I've been obsessing over the Iowa Dream album, which is a compilation of a lot of different (mostly extremely high quality) demos from the late 70s to mid 80s and what really shines through other than the singular strength of his songwriting is how readily and easily he bends from country style folk to romantic piano ballads, to groovy post-punk like this. What I love so much about this song is it's a great lesson in songwriting: sometimes a song can just be a vague review of a middling movie and still have emotional resonance. Incredible. There's a great NPR article about Arthur Russel and the process of assembling half-takes and demos into complete recordings that you should read if you're interested. https://www.npr.org/2019/11/20/779721417/which-arthur-russell-are-we-getting-on-iowa-dream

The Dogs Outside Are Barking - Arthur Russell: I love this song because it's such a perfect distillation of a teenaged moment: trying to find a moment alone with someone when you have no freedom at all to create one. The song cycles through potential situations but leaves the problem unresolved, existing in the moment of nervous romantic tension preceding an unasked question and it's just beautiful.

Men For Miles - Ought: I love the vocal melody in the verse here so much. Spiking up unnaturally at the end of the lines like a nervous and strange version of The Strokes. Even the way he cramps his words in in the chorus is so good, switching registers randomly like he's impersonating someone else.

Mister Soweto - Lizzy Mercier Descloux: https://pitchfork.com/features/from-the-pitchfork-review/9828-lizzy-mercier-descloux-behind-the-muse/ Pitchfork has a great article about Lizzy Mercier Descloux detailing how she is continually undervalued and underappreciated. I found her though my Discover Weekly and became immediately obsessed with this album - a perfect mix of off-kilter 80s bass and brass that is so colourful and seems to move in a million directions at once like the songs can't even catch up with themselves sometimes. I'm excited to dig into her discography more and try to understand her more because she has a truly unique approach that I can't get enough of.

Sweden - Marilyn Crispell: I've been looking for a while for other pianists of Cecil Taylor's calibre, rare type that it is and I am so glad to have finally found out about Marilyn Crispell. She plays free jazz like Taylor, but in much less percussive and disonnant style. There's a New York Times quote that seems to follow her that says "Hearing Marilyn Crispell play solo piano is like monitoring an active volcano. She is one of a very few pianists who rise to the challenge of free jazz." and it's really very apt. She will move with seemingly no warning at all from mediative, colourful stokes to a mad descent unto uncertainty and beyond, then back again without a moments hesitation. Her music moves like a dream, linking a stream of unlinked images with an ease that only seems incongruous on reflection.

Twins - Gem Club: I have loved this song for a very long time and I come back to it over and over and appreciate it anew. What I appreciate about on listening to it this time is the strangeness of it's structure, following up the verse with an instrumental break, and then a long instrumental intro to the chorus gives it so much space to spread out and breathe, giving the beautiful gravity of the song even more weight. Then after the chorus it moves straight to a bridge and then the intro and first verse again. It's a fantastic song that makes it's small parts so large, where another songwriter or another producer would pare them down.

Grand Central - Paul Cauthen: Something I've learned in listening to a lot of cowboy music is that the number one thing that cowboys hate and fear is getting hanged. They hate it worse than cats hate getting sprayed with water. I found out about Paul Cauthen combing through Colter Wall's similar artists looking for more of this brand of new old fashioned country and I really found it here. Paul Cauthen comes from four generations of preachers and left the church to pursue country music instead, which feels like an extremely old fashioned position to be in here in 2020 but I guess lots of people in Texas still live like that, and thank god they do or we wouldn't have Paul Cauthen's big mournful Elvis voice to sing us songs about the railway.

Serafina - BAMBARA: I love this sort of spoken word leather jacket rock and roll. It's so extremely Cool in an old fashioned way. Like a more rock and roll version of Enablers.

So 4 Real - The Hecks: I love love love this song that sounds like a sped up Prince demo. The strange thinness of the mix and the way the vocals are buried just makes it sound so strange and great, like it was put together on some ancient 4 track recorder that can't handle the pure energy of the song.

In The Pines (Version 2) - Jackson C. Frank: There's a very good 3 hour compilation of Jackson C. Frank recordings that came out a few years called Remastered And Unreleased that I listened through the other day. It's just magnificent. This version of In The Pines is one of my favourite I've ever heard, the mournful vocals coupled with his churning rhythm guitar really brings out the darkness of it in a way I've never heard.

(Tumble) In The Wind (Version 1) - Jackson C. Frank: Another favourite from this compilation that is slightly hard to listen to. I don't know if there's a date on it but I'd guess this was recorded near the end of his life. It is so beautiful, but you can hear in his voice and breathing that he's unwell. In Horseshoe Crabs by Hopalong she sings a story from his perspective this song really seems to fit in the second half of that. "Woke from the dream and I was old / Staring at the ass crack of dawn / Walked these streets up and down / Looking for Paul Simon / All I found was myself, lost in time / I tried singing my songs / But I lost my mind"

Sludge - Squid: I'm thinking of putting together a playlist of all the great Black Midi-adjacent bands I've found out about recently and Squid is at the top of the list. This new breed of art-punk is so fantastic and goes in a million different directions. I'm just so excited it exists.

Straight Shot - Quelle Chris: I love this song and Guns is a phenomenal album but there’s one thing bothering me. The ‘who are you, what are you’ part at the end sounds so incredibly familiar to me and I can’t figure out why. As far as I can tell it’s not a sample, but googling reveals that the english voice on it is fucking James Acaster the standup comedian. So what’s going on? Quelle Chris himself is less than helpful: “Straight Shot is one of those ideas that reached out to me, we got along and I simply showed it around town. The chorus, poem at the end and basic piano progression literally came to me in two separate dreams”. Who knows. Great song though.

Levitation - Dua Lipa: What I really like about this song is that she says sugarboo. This whole album bangs and Dua is really reaping the benefits of being the only pop star with the guts to release an album while everyone’s in lockdown I also have a half-baked theory about the way this song is almost interpolating Blame It On The Boogie in the ‘moonlight, starlight’ part as a sort of aggressive takeover of Michael Jackson’s cancelled legacy. Which is smart really. The same way Taylor Swift is re-recording her albums, let’s just get The Weeknd in the studio for a couple of days and give the world back it’s bangers.

Another Crashed Car - Nine Inch Nails: I am so glad Trent Reznor put out another two volumes of Ghosts. Ghosts I-IV from 2008 seems to have been the bridge from his Nine Inch Nails work to his film score work, and now that he’s had such success with that it’s nice to hear him writing in this style without telling anyone else’s story again. It’s also interesting for him to go back to this project now that Ghosts I-IV has paid dividends in the form of the sample at the centre of Old Town Road but that’s neither here nor there. It’s hard to pick and individual track from these, because they work so effectively as long form albums and not individual tracks, but I chose this one because I put the album on as background ambient while I was doing some boring data entry at work and this track is the point at which I realised I was going out of my mind with stress from doing the simplest tasks because of Trent’s Damned Chords.

Lilacs - Waxahatchee: This is a perfect song. It makes me want to like, draw charts about it and go through it bar by bar to figure out how she did it. It’s perfectly put together. It feels like she uses every trick in the book and it just comes together flawlessly in 3 minutes. Amazing.

Cool Water - Hank Williams: I decided to properly listen to Hank Williams because his shadow stretches over so much of country music, and while a lot of his music really alienated or bored me, and a lot of his songs feel like they would read as novelty songs today (like Hey Good Looking), this is the song that made me understand why he’s so revered.

In My Bones (feat. Kimbra and Tank And The Bangas) - Jacob Collier: Jacob Collier generally irks me. He makes brain music for redditors that lose their mind when someone shows them chord inversions or odd time signatures. Youtubers whose whole personality is ‘y’all heard Giant Steps?’ But he killed it on this song. It’s great despite him. There’s still a lot of corniness to work through, mostly in the big yuck funky lyrics, but structurally it’s a kaleidoscope and a big chunk of its success I’m putting down to Kimbra and Tank who understand that performance is a bigger part of a song than composition in a way Collier maybe doesn’t yet. He can overload the bassline and stop-start the rhythms as much as he likes but without actual personalities driving it it’ll just sound like a Peter Gabriel midi played at 200%.

Earthquake - Graham Central Station: I learned something wonderful in researching this band. The leader, Larry Graham, who was in Sly And The Family Stone is credited with inventing slap bass. He himself refers to the technique as "thumpin' and pluckin' ".

Quand Les Larmes D’un Ange Font Danser La Neige - Melody’s Echo Chamber: Once again furious that I’ve known of Melody’s Echo Chamber for years but never listened to them until now. I have been missing out. This is a perfect sprawling psychedelic jam punctuated with a bizzare cut-up recording about shitting yourself when you die and being declared brain dead in the vatican. It’s got everything. I had to look up who the drummer was on this song because he’s just nailing it, and it turns out it’s Johan Holmegaard from Dungen which is really a perfect fit.

Murder Most Foul - Bob Dylan: I was thinking the other day about how Bob Dylan is doing in quarantine. The man who hasn’t stopped moving his whole life and who’s been on a never ending tour  since the 70s is now, I assume, just pacing a hole in a hotel carpet somewhere and jabbering to himself. The strangest part of Bob dropping this 17 minute song about JFK out of nowhere is that he hasn’t put out any original music since 2012. So a gigantic song like this is an even bigger surprise. I, already a huge fan of gigantic songs and Bob Dylan, unsurprisingly love it. I love the slow stirring of the instrumentation, like he hired Dirty Three as a backing band and I love that nearly the entire second half is just listing good songs that he knows. It’s a remarkable song and unlike anything i’ve heard before from Dylan or anyone else. It’s interesting to hear Bob Dylan step into being the great chronicler of the 60s like he’s been told he already was his entire life almost 50 years later, finally accepting the fate foisted on him. The other thing I love about this song is the line when he for some reason praises Lee Harvey Oswald’s shooting “Greatest magic trick ever under the sun / Perfectly executed, skillfully done”

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0k1JjT8fXcUFO6VpM3kaez?si=gWSv88vdShKSnHhLJ_80pQ

#playlists

[tabithasfantasies]

The Ride

Part 4

It must’ve been about 3am when I heard a truck door close waking me from my sleep. As I lay there on the couch I watch Howard come through the door and walk over to me. Without saying a word he picks me up in his arms and whispered in my ear “let’s go to bed babygirl.” Setting me down softly on the bed I roll over and watch as he strips down and climbs into bed with me. I snuggle up against him on my side looking at him as I lay my head onto his chest. He gently grabs my ass and pulls me tightly against him. Keeping his hand on my ass as we fall asleep with me feeling a state of love,happiness and fulfillment.

Waking up the next morning knowing it would be my last day with him for awhile I wanted to make it special. Easing out of bed I head into the kitchen and looking through the refrigerator and cupboards I found what I needed to prepare a nice breakfast of french toast,bacon and eggs. I start the coffee maker as I begin cooking. Twenty minutes later coffee and breakfast was ready. Setting our plates on the table I head back into the bedroom to wake him up. Nibbling on his ear while rubbing his chest I whisper “good morning my love” as his eyes open I lead him into the kitchen still buck naked. Now seated at the table we ate in silence as we gazed into each other’s eyes. After breakfast i took some of the now cool bacon grease and smeared it between my ass cheeks and into my love hole. Walking over to him I grabbed his limp cock guiding him to his feet as I lead him out of the cabin.

Now outside on the porch I sit him on a chair and kneel taking his cock into my mouth. Slowly sucking his massive meat rod. He quickly grows hard and I begin to sensually deep throat him going as deep as I could without gagging. Howard is now moaning as I continue my slow assault on his cock. “I’ve got to have you baby” as he pushed me off spinning me around and bending me over the porch railing. Spreading my ass cheeks he begins to lick my boipussy. I’m now hard and my clitty is dripping precum. He continues this for a few minutes until he stands up from the chair. He nestles his cock against my love entrance and slowly slides inside of me. I let out a squeal in pleasure and as I look out into the yard I see a couple deer watching us in our rut. Howard takes his time deep stroking me. We both begin to moan an groan. As Howard begins to pick up the pace the strokes become more shallow but are hitting me right on my prostate. I begin to shake violently all over and I scream out “I’m cumming daddy” he grips my hips tightly and continues at the same pace. Falling limp from such a powerful orgasm he slaps my ass “who’s your daddy” you are,you are I reply. Now he’s fucking me as hard as he can saying “take this cock babygirl” I’m screaming in pleasure fuck me daddy,fuck me daddy as I feel his cock swell inside of me my body again begins to tremble as he pushes in balls deep and explodes inside of me my whole body locks up squeezing every drop of cum out of him with my climax. He falls back into the chair in exhaustion pulling me with him still impaled on his cock.This causes him to get even deeper making me cum a third time. With us both wore out we sat there with his meat buried in me for a half hour recovering from our lovemaking.

Climbing off of his lap he slaps my ass and tell me I’m going to be the death of him but what a way to go. I head back inside and as I’m running my bath water he tells me “no time for that get ready we need to be at the clubhouse by noon.” So I fix my makeup and look through the closet to find something to wear. I find a pair of blue jeans with an upside down heart shaped cut out in the back. Now to find a top to go with the pants. I find a red leather teddy with lace up sides and a thong back that I settled on. I squeezed into the teddy with my DD breast forms stuffing the cups and creating cleavage. I had Howard pull the side laces tighter enhancing my figure. I then slipped on a pair of thigh high stockings before pulling on the blue jeans. Lastly I put on my red stilettos. The jeans fit perfectly and really accented my ass marvelously. While admiring myself in the mirror Howard presents a wig, it’s jet black and styled into a nice loosely braided ponytail. I try it on and I love it. Next he take a leather wrap and snaps it around the ponytail. He turns me around and kisses me on the forehead and says”babygirl you’re such a vixen but I’ve got one more thing I need you to wear.” Reaching into his pocket he pulls out a metal tag shaped like a cannon and attached it to my collar. He then slaps my ass and says “let’s ride”

After riding for about half an hour we pulled up to a closed down five and dime store with blacked out windows. Outside must have been thirty motorcycles with two club members watching over them. We parked and as we were heading inside one of the guards asked “so who’s the hottie there Howitzer” to which he replied “ Tabitha but she also goes by Vixen.” I feel the eyes upon me as we walk past and I hear one say “damn that’s one sweet ass.” Now inside I find it is decorated with sofas,tables and a bar. He leads me over to the bar and sits me on a barstool. A sexy redhead comes and he orders himself a bottle of Coors and I ordered a Jack and Coke. Once the drinks came he kissed me and left me alone at the bar. I watched as he headed into a back room until I heard hello I’m Cindy but they call me cinnamon. It was the barmaid I replied “hello I’m Tabitha but Howitzer told the guys outside that I go by Vixen.” She told me to “stand up and slowly turn around in a circle” so I did and then she told me that “Vixen fit me because that’s what I am.” We continued to chat with minor interruptions as she also worked the bar. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw my wife naked as a jaybird except for a collar being lead on all fours around the clubhouse on a leash with her handler announcing blowjobs $10 pussy $20 and ass $25.

I watched as man handed over $25 to her handler afterwards he dropped his pants and shoved his cock into her ass dry making her scream in pain as he fought to bury his average size cock into her. I was hard watching this seeing her being sold and abused. Tears were running down her face as he fucked furiously into her being cheered on by the crowd. Another biker approached her handler and gave him a ten dollar bill and pulled his big cock out and grabbed her head and began face fucking her. My wife’s face is now covered in black streaks from her mascara running as she is being fucked hard from both ends. The biker fucking her ass came first. He immediately pulled out and wiped his tool clean with her ass cheeks. It didn’t take much longer until a biker paid twenty to get at her pussy. He laid on the floor and made her ride him. He had a small dick and she easily took him in. Now in this position she was better able to satisfy the cock in her throat by using her hands too. It didn’t take long before he pulled out of her mouth and came all over her face and in her hair. There was now a line of bikers waiting to get at my wife. I felt an arm around my waist it was Howitzer. “Like the show he asked?” “That’s my wife” I replied. Keep your cool he whispered as he guided me into the back room.

Once inside I was introduced to three members who were seated at a table. It was the chapter President Mad Dog,Vice President Knuckle Head and secretary Splitter. I was told to take a seat so I sat down. Once seated Mad Dog explained why I was there. It was an investigation into the fight last night. He asked for my version of the events so I spoke up and said “we had came home and found an orgy going on in the living room Howitzer asked once for them to break it up but they kept fucking so he took his foot and nudged one guy off of the girl again saying break it up” Mad Dog says to continue to the part of Howitzer striking Birdman. So I continue “all of the guys jump up and put on their clothes when one of them said but you used to be ok with this and Howitzer replied yes but there’s a new lady of the house referring to me. That’s when Birdman says and I quote “fuck you and your bitch” Howitzer squared up to him and asked him what did you say. Birdman repeated what he said but this time called Howitzer an impotent old man. So Howitzer punched him once knocking him out.” With this Mad Dog dismissed me from the room.

Now out in the main part of the clubhouse I find my wife taking not one but two cocks in her pussy and one in her ass. She was orgasming one after another until she passed out from exhaustion. The bikers continued to fuck her until they busted their nuts in her or on her. I watched as her handler sold her again for $25 to a small biker. He walked over to her and stripped revealing a massive cock of 13” and rolled her onto her stomach. Grabbing her by her hair he slams his cock into her making Jennifer scream like a banshee. He pulls her hair harder making he arch her back as he began to fuck her. He’s now 10”deep and she’s crying in pain “please stop no more please stop I’ll suck you off.” The crowd starts chanting “Meat” over and over again as he fucks my wife. After about 15 minutes he pulled out moved to Jennifer’s face and emptied his balls all over her face. Her handler tugs at her leash and leads her into a dog kennel and she passed out in it.

I turn around to find Howitzer standing behind me.”So is Jen the chapter party slut really your wife?” He asked. Yes unfortunately I replied. “Great lawyer she is even gets the guys off outside of the courtroom.” Wanting to change the subject I asked “and how did your trial go daddy” he said “fine Birdman was denying the disrespect but your testimony helped seal his fate.” And that is I asked. “Well he got put on probation and has to do 500 hours of club service.” So did you get jealous from seeing your wife get gangbanged he asked. I replied “not jealous but excited” he then told me I could do it too if wanted it. I assured him by grabbing his package through his jeans and saying “this is all the cock I need,now let’s have another drink.” Sitting at the bar sipping my drink I ask “daddy when can you take me home” anytime you’re ready he replied. I finished my drink and daddy lead me to his chopper and rode me home. Now in front of my house we say our goodbyes and he tells me he wished that I could stay with him. I told him I’d be back at his place before next weekend. Following me up to my house we passionately made out for a few minutes until I pulled him inside ripped down his pants and sucked his cock one more time for the road. He came quickly this time filling my mouth with his sweet cum which I swallowed all of. Pulling me to my feet we kissed again. And he said “i love you and need you by next weekend you promise “ I replied “I love you too daddy and I promise.” He then walked out the door as I watched him ride off into the night.

The end

#the ride

[lawrenceop]

Holy Land Retrospective - Day 2

Reminder: clicking on the link for each photo (links are all in red text) will take you to the Flickr page where you can see the photo in larger sizes.  Start with DAY 1, or read on!

PHOTO 4: Here at Gethsemane, in the place of the olive press, at the foot of the Mount of Olives is the ‘Church of All Nations’ where our Lord was pressed down by the sins and burdens of humanity. Within this church is an area of rock where Our Lord knelt and prayed in agony on the night before he was betrayed. And on this rock is the altar where we celebrated Holy Mass; the principal celebrant was Fr Donald Calloway MIC. Throughout the Mass, those pilgrims who were seated at the front were touching the rock, some placing their Rosaries on it, and some in tears. The sorrows and needs of the many are rightly expressed here for in this place the Lord underwent the agonies of all humanity ranged across all of time. 

So the letter to the Hebrews says: “Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard for his godly fear.” (Heb 5:7) These words are inscribed in Latin beneath the mosaic on the facade of the church: Christ kneels before the Father, offering up prayers and supplications, suffering in his own body for the sake of humanity. And we see ranged on either side of Jesus representatives of all of Mankind, brought low by sin and the consequences of original sin: Because of the sin of Adam, Man is now subject to death, war, pestilence, ignorance, and suffering. (cf Gen 3:16-19) But the merciful immortal God assumed our humanity, our mortal condition, even, in the person of Jesus Christ. Thus God, through the human nature of Christ, is able to suffer as we do, even though he is innocent of all sin. And he, who is the second Adam, freely chose to suffer even the ignominy of the Cross for our sake so as to free us from the most profound effect of sin, which is death. So Pope St Leo the Great said: 

“God’s compassion for us is all the more wonderful because Christ died, not for the righteous or the holy but for the wicked and the sinful, and, though the divine nature could not be touched by the sting of death, he took to himself, through his birth as one of us, something he could offer on our behalf. The power of his death once confronted our death. In the words of Hosea the prophet: Death, I shall be your death; grave, I shall swallow you up. By dying he submitted to the laws of the underworld; by rising again he destroyed them. He did away with the everlasting character of death so as to make death a thing of time, not of eternity. As all die in Adam, so all will be brought to life in Christ.” 

Here, in this place of Gethsemane, the Lord Jesus manifested his will to suffer and die in order to “wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away." (Apoc 21:4)

PHOTO 5: Every Good Friday, the Passion is sung according to Dominican chant in our priories, and since 2005 I have sung the part of the Evangelist who begins with these words: “Jesus went forth with his disciples across the Kidron valley, where there was a garden, which he and his disciples entered.” (Jn 18:1) These steps mark a route, dating to the time of Jesus, that would lead from the site of the Upper Room on Mount Zion (where the Last Supper took place) down into the Kidron valley, and across to the Garden of Gethsemane; these steps run just along the periphery of the house of Caiaphas the High Priest where Peter denied his Master. As I stood here contemplating the view – the Kidron valley down below, and the Mount of Olives in the distance – I heard the music of the Passion, and this year when I sang those lines again, this scene flashed through my mind. 

PHOTO 6: Beneath the white structure on the right, which is shaped like the lid of a jar and continually cooled by jets of water, lie the first seven scrolls of the Bible discovered at Qumran in 1947, the “Dead Sea Scrolls”. Called ‘The Shrine of the Book’, it is part of the Israel Museum where we also viewed a wonderful model of Jerusalem at the time of the Second Temple. The model helped us to locate and situate the events of Jesus’s Passion and Resurrection in relation to the geography and orientation of the holy city; the ancient scrolls of Scripture helped us to situate Jesus, the living Word of God made flesh, in the context of the culture and sacred history into which he was born. 

“Rolling up the scroll, he handed it back to the attendant and sat down, and the eyes of all in the synagogue looked intently at him. He said to them, “Today this scripture passage is fulfilled in your hearing.””– Luke 4:20-21.

Photographically, I liked the contrast of the smoothly curved modern surface of the Shrine juxtaposed with the deeply-carved curls and swirls of the ancient capital in the foreground. It spoke to me of the antiquity of the lands we were in and its history and culture that continued into the present time. 

PHOTO 7: Barely fifteen minutes from the Israel Museum is the village of Ein Karem, the ‘Spring of the Vineyard’ where St John the Baptist was born. The village is nestled in verdant hills, in the “hill country” of Judah as St Luke describes it (cf Lk 1:39). We prayed the Joyful Mysteries of the Rosary as we climbed up to the church of the Visitation. It was to this place that Mary went with haste after St Gabriel had left her. It was here that the infant John was sanctified in the womb by the Holy Spirit; here that the baby leapt with joy as the Redeemer in the womb drew near; here that the two cousins met and the ‘Magnificat’ was first sung. To honour this, I sang the Magnificat outside the church. In the crypt of this church is this well which many believe is where the Visitation took place, a well near the house of Zechariah where the Baptist was born, and also a well that Our Lady would have come to daily to draw water. At  this place, therefore, Mary, who might well be called the well of salvation from whom the living waters of the Saviour was drawn, came to draw the waters of Ein Kerem.

The name ‘Ein Kerem’ is fitting, for the waters of the spring, which bubble up in this place of many wells, are indicative of fecundity and new life. For it is here, in the person of St John and his parents, St Elizabeth and St Zechariah, that God’s vineyard, Israel, learns of the coming of the Saviour who refreshes it. But not only Israel but the whole of God’s creation is renewed and made fruitful by the coming of Christ, so that from henceforth, all may now drink of the new wine of divinity that unites Man to God. (cf Jn 2:10-11) 

O God, you are my God, for you I long; for you my soul is thirsting. My body pines for you like a dry, weary land without water. – Ps 63:2

PHOTO 8: A particular joy and privilege of staying in Jerusalem throughout this pilgrimage, and being so close to the Holy Sepulchre, meant that I could visit this place, the centre of the world, every day. So, almost every evening, I rushed straight from dinner to the church of the Holy Sepulchre. The doors would shut at 9pm, so I usually had just under an hour to explore the church, to enjoy the relative calm of the evening when the hordes of pilgrims and tourists had gone home, and to sit and pray in the shadows. Looking down from Calvary just before the doors are shut, this is where the entrance to the church is located, and here is the stone of anointing surrounded by pilgrims who are kissing it, touching crosses and Rosaries and handkerchieves to it, and kneeling in silent prayer. 

I love this church because all of Christian history and cultures and peoples, with their rich diversity and confusing variety – and our disagreements, too – seem to converge on this sacred place. It is fragrant with the smell of incense, burning wax, and sooty olive oil, and it embodies the antiquity of the Christian Faith. Above all, it reminds me that Christianity did not originate in the West, and is not our possession, even if the Vicar of Christ ended up in Rome. Rather, in a sense, Christianity belongs here or at least it has its roots here, in the exotic ‘Middle East’, which comes alive with keening Byzantine chant, bearded monks in long black robes, and the hubbub of languages more ancient than Latin. For many centuries the universal Church looked to Jerusalem and its liturgies and rites for inspiration, for here, in the church of the Holy Sepulchre was the central focal point of the one true Faith, and thus, the centre of the world. During my one week in Jerusalem, how could I fail to come here daily and stand atop Calvary and beside the Empty Tomb?

How good and how pleasant it is, when brothers live in unity! It is like precious oil upon the head running down upon the beard, running down upon Aaron's beard, upon the collar of his robes. It is like the dew of Hermon which falls on the heights of Zion. For there the Lord gives his blessing, life for ever. – Psalm 133.

Tomorrow: Nazareth and Mount Tabor.

#Holy Land #retrospective #reflection #travelogue #faith #pilgrimage #photos

[purplesurveys]

816

Gonna do a before and after of one of the first surveys I took when I was FOURTEEN. Fucking wild that I’ve been doing this for nearly a decade. Kinda my way of celebrating the fact that I’ve just been reunited with my old blog, which Tumblr has apparently changed the URL of. Baffled by the move but still stoked, and @a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse​ is absolutely the coolest person for being able to find it haha. Let’s gooooo 1. Are you registered to vote? No. I still have 3 years to go. < That’s so precious. I’ve been a voter for four years now. I registered the second I turned 18 and I remember being very excited to make it to the presidential elections because only a handful of people from my high school batch were 18 by the time of the elections. 2. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? Only when I’m counting down for something. < This still sounds like something I would do, but I don’t really get to anymore because I have digital calendars on my phone and laptop now. 3. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? Summer vacation! 4 days left! < Again, so cute. There’s no countdown that exists because I honestly don’t know when it will be okay enough to go out like normal again, but I am waiting for Covid to go away or at least for a vaccine to be available.

No #4? 5. Ever got injured at work? What happened? Nope. < I sprained my ankle at one of the parking lots in school, while walking to my car. Worst thing was it happened in front of an ongoing rally, and I heard their chants slightly falter when they saw me fall. I tried to play it cool, but my foot clearly felt fucked and someone had to hold my arm as I hopped to my car.

6. What color is your roof? Brown. < Stop pretending like you have a roof, Robyn. The house has always had a rooftop.

7. Do you use MySpace or Facebook more? Neither. < I was still far too young when MySpace peaked so I never did get to participate in its glory days. I definitely use Facebook a lot more, then and now. 8. Last time you sharpened a pencil? When I took a diagnostic test last Monday. < Sometime in 2019 when I was still heavily into coloring and I bought several coloring books and a pack of coloring pencils. I loved coloring and wish I kept it up, but it was just a bit of a hassle for me to sharpen every ten minutes or so. 9. List all the people in your phone under T: Zero, zilch, nada. No phone. < A high school batchmade named Dani, a college colleague named Kate, and a couple of aunts and uncles whose contacts start with Tito and Tita.  10. How old were you when you got into text messaging? I once had a super obsessive text problem when I was 11, I think? < That would be the first time I got hooked with texting, but I got my first phone when I was 7 and was already texting by then. Mostly my parents and grandpa, but still. 11. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. < No. They’ve already told me they won’t pressure me to do so either, but out of gratefulness for taking care of me for 20+ years I have absolutely no problems covering some of the bills when the time comes. 12. What do you think of Obama’s new healthcare bill? I don’t know a lot about it. < Honestly, still same. That’s another country’s politics altogether and we have enough issues in our own nation as it is. I do pay attention to US issues that are more universal like LGBT issues, police brutality against black people, Trump as a person...but not the more in-depth ones like healthcare or student debt. 13. How many icons are on your desktop? 34. < Exactly half of that. 14. Do you spit or swallow? Get outta here!!! < Still can’t relate. 15. Ever wrote something on a bathroom wall? Nope. < Eugh no, public bathrooms are so nasty. I don’t usually touch anything in them other than the faucet. I’ve written on other things though, like the desks in school. 16. What’s your definition of a slut? Uh. < Someone who often has casual sex with a lot of people, is how I understand it. 17. If you use the word “slut”, do you apply it to men who do the same thing as what you listed above? Nah. < I don’t really use the word. 18. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I did once, in a children’s party. < Yeah, just that one time at my second cousins’ place when they were in the mood to paint on eggs and invited me and my siblings. 19. What did you do on the first day of spring? Never experienced spring. < We don’t have spring. 23. Are you currently crushing on anyone? No. < Yes. 24. What color hair did the last person you kissed have? NKSB. < LOOOOOOOOOL I spent like two minutes puzzling over this like who tf is NKSB??? Eventually realized this just meant ‘Never Kissed Since Birth’ oh my god 14 year old Robyn you were SO uncool. Anyway, her hair is black. 25. Do you stand up to say the pledge in school? We don’t have a school pledge, but we do recite our country’s pledge and yes, we stand up every time we say it. < Not anymore in university. Everyone just kinda does their own thing in college and we’re never gathered as one student body for anything, except for graduation. 26. Do you like your eye color? God no. It’s so boring. < I mean yeah it is a bit boring, but we kinda have no choice. Unless you go to West Asia which is nearing Europe as it is, nearly all Asians have brown eyes and black hair. 27. What brand of orange juice did you last drink? Zesto. < That’s the only brand of orange juice I’m okay with drinking, even eight years later. 28. Pens or pencils? Pens. < Still feel the same. 29. Last skirt you wore and why? My school skirt, because I have to go to school. < Omfg again, this is so precious. The last one I wore was my denim skirt, but it’s also been a while since I wore that because one of its buttons has since popped out and I never got around to having it fixed, leaving me with no skirts. 30. Last time you wore heels, what kind were they? A prom I went to. I actually have no idea what kind of heels they are so I’m just gonna say old-women heels. < They were stilettos, you dumbass. I also wore a pair of stilettos the last time I wore heels. They’re my favorite kind, so. 31. Shoes you wear the most? My Keds. < My pair of Onitsuka Tiger sneakers. . 32. Favorite quote at the moment? “YOU DUMB BITCH! I’M NOT HOLDING A MICROPHONE! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?” - CM Punk < Holy crap, I do not remember this quote at all and had to look it up on YouTube and – no regrets. Watching it made so many memories come rushing back lmao that clip is hilarious; Punk is the greatest. Right now I don’t really have a favorite quote. 33. What was the last magazine article you read about? I forgot. < It’s from the website version of the magazine, but the last article I read covered a viral Facebook post wherein someone had photoshopped the faces of The Big Bang Theory boys onto the traditional graduation photos of my university out of boredom. Article is here for anyone who wants to see how well the pictures turned out lol. 34. What do you think about communism? I don’t know enough about it. < I completely support the progressive youth orgs, especially the ones in my university, that are aligned with communist, socialist, and Marxist ideals. They speak the truth more than any other orgs, so I don’t shy away from defending them or promoting their ideals, especially on social media, even if it puts me in danger. 35. Are you planning on going to college? If so, which one? Of course. I want to study in Ateneo. < CAN WE CANCEL 14 YEAR OLD ROBYN?????? What a disappointment omg. You were always meant to be in UP, you weirdo. 22 year old me takes that appalling statement back lol I can’t even begin to imagine spending my college years in Ateneo. 36. What’s your favorite flower? Ugh I hate flowers. < Peonies and roses. 37. What’s the nearest beach? I think it’s like…600 km away + a 2 hour boat ride. < No it is not. There’s a beach I come back to in Nasugbu and that’s only 100 km away. 38. Ever been to Florida? Nope. < Still nope. 39. How old is your brother’s best friend? He’s probably 9 as my brother’s 9. < I don’t know if he has one and I don’t really care anymore. 40. What type of car did you ride in last? A Kia van. < Sksksksks this was referring to the school bus I used to ride omg :( I was last in our Vitara, when I had to go to the hospital to get some tests done back when I still had a pesky fever. 42. Are you excited for summer 2013? Fuck yeah. < I honestly don’t remember how it ultimately went, but apparently I was excited for it so that answers the question. 43. What class were your parents (ex. class of ‘75)? They’re the same age so batch ‘89. < There we go. 44. Are you in debt right now? For what? No. < Kinda-ish? I promised my sister I’d pay her for helping me out with iMovie (I wanted to make Gab a video for her birthday, but had never done it before), but I haven’t had the chance to do it since I only have big bills at the moment. She’s asking for ₱200 but I only have ₱1000s in my wallet, so I can’t pay her for now. 45. If you’re old enough, do you have a credit card? If you’re not old enough, do you want one when you’re older? I definitely want one. < Yep, still want one. Though I’ll need a crash course on how to use it because my parents never really taught me how cards work. 46. What color is your phone? No phone. < Apple calls it space gray but it’s really just black. 47. Have you ever had someone read a text message they weren’t supposed to see? Yes. < Yes. That person was me, and I accidentally read a text from my dad meant for only my mom when I was 5 because I had stubborn fingers that would click on anything. 48. What’s the minimum age you think someone should have a cell phone at? 10. < Holy cow, that’s a nope for me. I’d say 12 or 13. 49. Would you ever work night crew? Sure. < Yes. I’ve seen my girlfriend’s mom do it and honestly I find it pretty badass, especially because while everyone is stuck in traffic trying to get to work by 9 AM, she’s cruising down the highway on the opposite lane with no problem, to be home by 9 hahaha. 50. How old is the last person you texted? 41. < 22.

#survey #surveys

[ringa-starr]

What You Mean to Me Pt3

A/N: Hey dudes and dudettes! Whew! You guys would not BELIEVE the blood, sweat and tears that I have put into this chapter all for you guys! The readers! My followers! All of you amazing people! You guys are the reason I write like a mad woman and I appreciate every like, comment, reblog...really from the bottom of my heart thank you thank you thank you!

I hope this chapter was worth the wait and I really REALLY wanna know what you guys think about it because, no lie, I have worked for two days straight on this and even lost a night’s sleep over it.

But that all being said please enjoy and stay tuned for part 4! Things are gonna really get cookin’! ;)

As always stay excellent and breathtaking and be excellent to each other!

-Love, Deidra

WARNING: SMUT!! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18!

A/N: Party outfits!  ☝️

A pick-up truck filled with high school kids, including the cargo bed, slammed into the Prestons’ mailbox sending it flying across the yard the next night as it pulled into Bill’s driveway, his party already in full swing and obviously going strong.

Pump It by the Black-Eyed Peas was blasting from inside Bill’s home but it was so loud the music could be heard all over the neighborhood…perhaps even further.

Teens hung out in the yard and on the front porch, red cups in hand as they danced, talked, smoked, and/or made out.

River hopped out of the cargo bed and smiled as he took his girlfriend Ashley’s hand, helping her into the yard.

Once she was out of the truck, River smiled and placed a loving, gentle kiss on her cheek as well as the back of her hand.

That night, Ashley’s outfit consisted of a black top that read Caffeine Queen in bold white letters, pale blue jean shorts, and black Converse shoes along with a dark green jacket which she sported around her waist thanks to the hot, wet, night air.

Ashley’s shoulder length, bleach blonde hair hung loose, dark blood-red lipstick on her mouth and just as dark eye shadow around her gray, yet sometimes green, eyes.

Of course, it didn’t matter what she looked like.

River always thought Ashley was beautiful.

“You look great tonight”, he complimented her with a smile.

Ashley saw her boyfriend’s lips moving but she couldn’t make out what he was saying due to the loud, vibrating music.

“What?!” she cried, moving her head closer so she could hear him.

“I said you look great!” River repeated a bit louder in her ear.

Smiling, Ashley turned her head and kissed River’s lips, wrapping her arms around his neck.

River kissed her back, smiling into the kiss as he ran his fingers through her soft hair.

After another moment, River slowly broke the kiss and took Ashley’s hand, entwining her fingers with his as they opened the front door, music hitting them like an on-coming speeding train and the ground beneath them shaking and vibrating due to the massive bass of the stereo.

Loud cheers, whistles and yelling could be heard from all angles, the whole downstairs area of the house dark except for the rotating 9-color crystal ball filling the dark rooms with neon colors.

River and Ashley scanned the enormous crowd of San Dimas High students for their friends, River smiling and pointing out Bill, Deidra, and Ted center stage with their instruments, adding extra sound to the song.

Ashley and River moved further into the crowd to get a better look at their friends’ performance.

A/N: I recommend listening to 2:20-2:31 of this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvlaZBxY6i0 )

Bill hit a few cords on his guitar before moving closer to Ted’s microphone, his best friend playing a sick guitar riff.

“Damn”, Bill sang into Ted’s microphone before slightly moving his head away.

“Damn”, Ted and Deidra chanted, Deidra having her own microphone attached to her drum set.

“Damn”, Bill sang again, a hot, seductive look on his face as he bent his knees a bit lower.

He had spotted Emily in the crowd and had his eyes locked on her.

“Damn”, Ted and Deidra echoed.

“Damn!” Bill breathed, bending a little lower, his heart pounding in his chest not just from the song’s energy but from the sight of the girl who held a special place in his heart.

He could put his feelings for her in one word at that very moment:

“Damn!” Ted turned his head and gave Deidra a look as if to indicate to her what Bill was trying to do.

“Damn!” Bill was now on his knees, gripping the guitar neck so hard his knuckles were turning white under his black leather fingerless gloves.

“Damn!” Deidra and Ted chanted for the final time, knowing smiles on both their faces as they watched their friend.

“Damn!!” Bill cried in song; his eyes squeezed shut as he leaned his head forward until it was touching the hard-wood ground.

His feelings for Emily had become far too much for him to handle at this point.

Deidra and Ted eyed Bill with slight concern until their friend found his way upright again, taking his place beside Ted.

As soon as the song was over, the sound of applause, whistles and cheers didn’t even seem to faze Bill.

He didn’t think he could get his guitar strap off fast enough before running off the stage he and Ted had set up hours before and disappearing in the crowd; only to reappear, his friends would find out soon enough, at the large refreshment table at the very far end of the room.

“Dude!” Bill heard Ted cry as he, Deidra, River, and Ashley ran up to him. “That kicked serious ass!”

Ted’s goofy smile slowly faded when he realized that Bill was not smiling back.

Instead, he was breathing hard, sweat pouring down his face, a hard, determined, and some-what angry look on his face as well, his eyes shining.

“Bill?” River asked, a bit nervous.

He had never seen his friend look like this before.

“Are you ok?”

Instead of answering River, Bill downed the cup of Pepsi he had just poured himself before throwing it across the room, his eyes never leaving his friends.

“I can’t take this anymore!” he cried, his hands gripping his blonde curls. “I’ve gotta tell her how I feel! Tonight!”

“Tell who what?” came a familiar female voice, causing the hair on Bill’s neck to stand straight up.

Emily walked up and stood in between her brother and Ted, giving Bill a curious smile.

Emily was sporting a white tank top with two black palm trees on either side, dark blue jean shorts, black sneakers, and a black beanie with the words Bad Hair Day on the bottom in white letters.

Her long blonde hair hung loose down her back with aqua blue highlights on the tips.

Suddenly, Bill felt lightheaded and dizzy.

He could hear his heart pounding in his chest so hard and so loud that he placed a hand over it, in case of the illogical event that it was to fly out of his chest.

A sudden sense of queasiness hit the teen’s stomach as well, the soda inside not helping matters much.

“Bill?” Ted questioned.

Even in bright, color changing neon lights, he could see Bill’s face getting paler by the minute.

“Are you alright, dude?” Ted tried again.

Breathing even harder, Bill wanted to say something but instead all he did was run off, heading for the downstairs bathroom.

Ted followed close behind him, hearing the bathroom door slam shut.

Feeling concerned, Ted pressed his ear against the door only to hear his best friend’s heavy breathing.

After hearing Bill gag a few times, Ted cringed and squeezed his eyes shut, his teeth clenched as he listened to Bill getting sick on the other side of the door.

A few minutes later, Ted heard the toilet flush followed by the door opening and Bill walking out, a small bottle of mouthwash in his hand, wiping his mouth with the back of his free hand.

“You okay, Man?” Ted wanted to know, placing a comforting hand on Bill’s shoulder.

Bill nodded before putting the open bottle of mouthwash to his lips, swishing the mint blue, germ-killing liquid in his mouth several times before spitting it out on the ground.

“Yeah”, Bill breathed with a sigh. “I-I’m fine dude…really.”

Ted smiled, wrapping an arm around his best friend’s shoulder as Bill continued to look at the floor.

“You really like her, huh?”

At the question, Bill’s head shot up, making eye contact with Ted.

The two were so close that sometimes they didn’t even need words to understand each other.

After a few moments of just solid eye contact, Ted’s smile grew wider causing a smile to form its way across Bill’s face.

“Excellent!” the duo cried out before doing their guitar move again.

“I’ve never felt this way before, Ted”, Bill confided in his best friend as they walked back into the living room.

“When I see Emily a-and think about her I…I just feel happy! Li-like I’m floating on air or something!” Bill’s voice grew a bit more excited with every passing word.

“You’re in love, dude!” Ted cried, happy for his best friend.

Bill didn’t think he could smile any wider, but he did.

“Yeah”, he agreed. “I-I guess I am!”

The duo soon spotted Ashley and River in their own little space dancing together to Michael Jackson’s P.Y.T, Emily dancing with Deidra nearby.

Bill watched as the girl he adored hung her head low, her long hair covering her face only for her to throw her head back, her hair falling perfectly back into place only in Bill’s eyes this happened in a slow, perfect motion.

His breath caught in his throat as he watched a smile form on Emily’s face as she slowly opened her eyes halfway, looking right at him.

Bill was so lost in his trance that he didn’t even notice that Ted was shaking his shoulder extra hard in order to get his attention.

“Huh?” Bill asked, feeling the same way he did when he was asleep in class and his teacher called on him. “What?”

“You’re drooling”, Ted laughed, pointing out the drool dripping off Bill’s chin and onto the floor.

Bill was thankful for the red neon light hitting his face at that moment because it masked the color of his face perfectly.

“Dude, you remind me of my uncle’s dog!” Ted laughed even harder as Bill wiped the now coagulating drool off his chin.

“Shut up, Ted!” Bill snapped, laughing a little despite himself.

It was after midnight and Bill’s party hadn’t died down in the slightest.

In fact, it was doing the opposite.

Lil Jon’s Outta Your Mind shook the whole house, the entire party looking and feeling as if it were now split in two halves, watching as students took turns dancing; some just dancing to show off their moves, some dancing seductively to impress the hot/popular kids, others twerking, and some even exposing themselves to the various groups of drunks around them.

Sometime during the party when Bill’s head was turned, all the sodas had been spiked with some of the best white wine San Dimas had to offer.

No one in Bill’s group of friends seemed to notice the slight change of taste to their drinks…and it seems like they didn’t even give a fuck themselves.

Deidra poured herself another cup of Sprite, this being her 10th cup of the night.

Placing a hand on her head to steady herself, Deidra turned, the room spinning in all directions around her as she took a long drink from her cup before taking a few stumbling steps.

Emily, who was a little tipsy herself, reached out and grabbed her friend’s arm as she saw her walk by.

“Dee”, Emily said, concern in her voice. “I think you should go upstairs and lie down. You’re really drunk, babe.”

As if her friend’s words went in one ear and out the other, Deidra harshly pulled her arm out of Emily’s grasp.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” she slurred loudly. “My fucking mother or somethin’?”

She threw her head back and downed the rest of her drink before standing back upright and throwing the empty cup as far as she could.

Deidra stumbled to the empty stage, the microphone making a loud, vibrating, whining sound as she griped in tightly in her hand, struggling to keep her balance.

Emily watched sadly as some students around her laughed at her best friend, and some, Emily noticed, pulling out their phones to record her.

“Attention ladies and gentle-dudes!” Deidra announced into the microphone after someone had cut the music off.

She now held the whole party’s full attention.

‘No good can come from this’, Emily thought to herself sadly, feeling hopeless and defenseless in her friend’s situation.

“I would like…to…s-sing a little song I-that I wrote just for this-o-occasion”, Deidra slurred before bowing her head and taking a deep breath.

She lifted her head up and stifled a burp that was wanting to come up, knowing she would throw up right there on that stage if she did.

Some student’s laughs could be heard at the sound as Deidra took another deep breath.

“Hear that lonesome whippoorwill”, Deidra sang in a loud, tone-deaf, southern accent.

“He sounds too blue to fly!”

Tears filled her eyes.

“And as I wonder where you are-“she sang louder before pausing to point at a male teen randomly.

“I’m talkin’ to you Jeremy!” she cried, sending daggers in the confused teen’s direction.

“I'm so lonesome I… could cry!”

Deidra barely got the word cry out before gripping the microphone so hard it whined again causing a lot of students to laugh even harder, some laughing so hard they fell to the floor, holding their stomachs, while others covered their ears trying to block the noise.

“Why would you leave me in that fucking rodeo?!” Deidra sobbed as she screamed.

Emily had had enough as she felt River gently touch her arm.

She turned her head to see her brother giving her a look that said, ‘Help her.”

Emily nodded before pushing past the crowd of hysterical party guests and running onto the stage, gently wrapping an arm around Deidra’s waist.

“C’mon Dee”, Emily softly said in her friend’s ear as she led her off the stage. “It’s ok now.”

“E-Emily”, Deidra breathed. “I-I don’t feel so good.”

Emily didn’t have time to react before Deidra bowed her head again and threw up where she stood, the students all around her jumping back to avoid being hit, a few girls screaming in disgust as the vomit splashed onto them.

“Heh”, River laughed softly from his spot beside Ashley who had her mouth covered with her hand in surprise. “Serves ‘em right.”

River, along with Ashley, Bill, and Ted eyed Deidra with concern as Emily walked over to the group, almost having to carry her friend herself.

“Bill”, Emily said, her voice filled with concern, “can Deidra lie down in your room?”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Bill nodded.

“Of course, babe”, he replied.

Without thinking, Emily leaned over and kissed Bill on the cheek before helping Deidra upstairs and into Bill’s bedroom.

Downstairs, Bill’s jaw dropped, his hand on the cheek Emily kissed.

He slowly looked at Ted who was giving him a large, goofy grin, his own eyes as big as plates.

“EXCELLENT!!” the boys screamed in unison before doing their air guitar move for the third time that night.

~~

Everything was returning to normal now as the music blasted again, most of the party guests barely remembering that anything happened.

Except Ted, it seemed.

He sat in a large circle of his classmates in Bill’s living room, ready for a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Bill smirked as he came back from the kitchen with an empty root beer bottle.

He sat it in the exact middle of the circle before taking his place beside Ted.

“Okay, you guys know the rules!” he announced enthusiastically. “Someone spins the bottle and whichever lucky person it lands on gets to go into my parents’ room and do whatever they want for 7 whole minutes!”

“Or longer!” one of the football players cried out before letting out a loud cheer and slamming his fists in the air, earning him whistles and applause.

Ted slowly stood up from the circle, all eyes on him.

“Hey, where are you goin’, dude?” Bill asked. “Aren’t you gonna play?”

“You guys go on without me”, Ted replied. “I’m gonna go check on Deidra.”

That comment earned him a series of ‘Ooooohhhh’s from the circle but Ted ignored them.

Upstairs in Bill’s room, Deidra lay on Bill’s bed, rubbing her still queasy stomach.

Her head throbbed with pain and the music downstairs wasn’t helping matters any.

The room spun around her as she carefully turned her head at the sound of Bill’s bedroom door opening.

“Dee?” Ted’s voice said quietly as he carefully walked in the room and shut the door. “You ok, Dudette?”

Deidra groaned a little, seeing two of Ted as he spun around her in circles.

Ted sat on the edge of Bill’s bed, a concerned look on his face as he stroked his friend’s forehead.

“Ted?” Deidra said softly, still a little drunk, his touch filling good to her. “W-Would you hold me?”

Ted looked a little surprised by the question, taking a moment to take in what his friend said to him.

Finally, he gave her a tiny smile and nodded.

“Sure”, he replied, scooting closer on the bed and lying down beside her.

Deidra’s head was killing her as she slowly scooted closer to Ted, but it was worth it when she felt her pounding head on his chest.

Ted gently wrapped an arm around Deidra’s waist, being careful of her upset stomach.

Without saying a word, he gently lifted Deidra’s t-shirt a bit and began rubbing soft, careful circles on her belly.

She flinched a little at his cold his hand was.

“You ok?” Ted asked, feeling her tense up beneath his hand.

“Yeah”, Deidra replied softly. “It’s just that….”

She smiled a little. “Your hands are cold.”

Ted chuckled, giving her his cute, crooked smile. “Sorry, babe”, he apologized.

Deidra could only smile back as she felt her entire body relax.

“Ted?” she said after a few minutes of silence as he continued to rub her tummy.

“Mmm-hmm?” Ted replied.

Deidra blushed, her heart pounding again as she tried to find the words.

She stared into Ted’s beautiful brown eyes, wanting so badly to move the stray piece of dark hair that hung in his face.

“I…I…well…I-“she leaned up slightly, gently moving the loose piece of hair behind Ted’s ear before gently cupping his cheek with her hand.

“I love you, Ted”, she admitted softly, combing her fingers through his soft, dark hair. “I love you so much.”

Ted remained silent for a few moments, making Deidra feel like she was going to be sick again.

What if he doesn’t feel the same way? she thought.

What if he laughs in my face?

Dedra fought her hardest to keep the tears that were wanting to show back, every second of silence making her feel worse and worse.

Finally, Ted smiled genuinely, the fear in his eyes softening slightly, as he lowered his lips to hers.

Ted lifted her eyes to see his and without a word he lowered his lips on to hers again.

It was sweet, gentle...a touch that Deidra had craved for years now, soon her hands began to explore his body.

She felt his tight arms and broad shoulders and ran her hands down his back.

Deidra pulled his shirt off and drew planes on his chest and lowered her hand down to his pants.

She was surprised to have them so tight and then she blushed scarlet red when she realized what was happening.

Not wanting to chicken out now, Deidra pulled them down leaving Ted in nothing but his underwear.

Ted blushed too when Deidra took his pants off and held himself up over her to try and get them off all the way.

Ted's rough hands stroked Deidra's stomach and his hand went up on her body.

He began to lift her shirt over her head, and she froze.

The self-conscious feeling was creeping up again as she thought about her naked body in front of his eyes.

Ted must have picked up on her thoughts because he started to kiss her stomach and then moved his way up her body until he had finally worked her shirt over her head.

Deidra lay there and didn't meet his eyes.

"Deidra, you look beautiful." Ted assured her and began to cover her body with kisses again.

He worked up her body and down and she sighed in pleasure and delight was his lips raked against her skin.

Ted pulled her pants down and off with little trouble and soon was over her again.

He looked her very point in the eyes until she would meet his stare.

"Are you sure you want to do this? Just so you know I've never done anything like this before and I don't really know what to expect." Ted blushed slightly at the end and looked down.

Deidra was so nervous and scared she didn't want to speak in fear that her voice would shake and give me away.

Instead in response she took off her bra and pulled her underwear down and off all the way.

Then she was just there, she had become totally vulnerable and open to him.

Deidra bared all and she was relived.

Ted's eyes looked over her whole body and while Deidra wanted to hide she fought it because the look in his eyes made her feel like she was worth something.

He looked at her like he was looking at the most precious thing in all of San Dimas.

Slowly and awkwardly Ted pulled his underwear down.

Deidra let out a small gasp when she saw his manhood.

This was a whole new side of him.

Slowly Ted positioned himself over Deidra and her entrance.

Her body had a strange reaction while she waited for him and suddenly, she couldn't wait anymore.

Deidra grabbed Ted around his neck and pulled him down on her, he guided himself inside and she let out a sharp gasp as he penetrated her for the first time ever.

The tearing was almost too much and tears began to fill her eyes.

This is not what she thought it would be.

Ted looked at Deidra's face and quickly jumped off her.

"Deidra! I'm so sorry babe, I didn't mean to hurt you, God I'm such an idiot!" He brushed her hair back from her head and apologized repeatedly.

"Ted, stop. It's ok. I knew it would hurt at first, please. Can we try again?"

Deidra had heard girls talk about the brief pain and then the wonderful sensation afterwards and if this small pinch was all it took to make Ted wholly hers then she would tough it up.

This wouldn't last long.

Ted reluctantly got back on the bed and positioned himself over Deidra again.

She could tell he was about to rethink it again so before he could talk, she pulled him down on her and crushed her lips on his.

Deidra moved her hips to meet him and he was inside of her again.

This time it didn't hurt so badly, and she could feel the warmth beginning to rise inside her.

Ted took a few short thrusts at her until he finally found a rhythm to keep and he slowly pulled his head back up, he used both arms to steady himself and Deidra pulled her legs around his waist and anchor herself onto him.

Consequently, this did wonderful things to her insides and it felt even better.

Deidra could feel Ted losing himself in her and soon all kissing stopped.

He thrust again and again, and she felt a tingle inside her work its way down until she erupted in euphoria.

Ted collapsed on Deidra a second later and she laughed at his exhausted features.

He had a thin sheet of sweat on him and his back felt clammy.

Deidra knew she felt the same way and she loved it.

They laid next to each other until Deidra couldn't handle to separation anymore.

She half climbed on him, so they were closer and laid her head on his chest.

Deidra felt her head move up and down with his rapid breathing and closed her eyes.

This is what she's needed.

For the first time in a long time Deidra felt safe and whole as she dozed off in bliss.

She and Ted stayed wrapped up in each other that night with their naked bodies intertwined.

~~

Meanwhile downstairs, it was Bill’s turn to spin the bottle.

He spotted Emily sitting directly across from him and she noticed him, giving him a kind smile.

Bill felt his heart pound faster as he said a silent prayer before spinning the bottle as best he could.

‘Emily, Emily, Emily please Emily!!’ Bill prayed in his head; eyes squeezed shut.

A series of more ‘Oooohhhs’ filled the circle, causing Bill to open his eyes in dread…

…only to find the tip of the bottle pointed at Emily.

Inside, Bill was on Cloud 9 but there was no way he was going to let that show on the outside.

Instead, he slowly stood and, heart like a jackhammer, held out his hand.

Emily returned Bill’s shy smile as she took his hand, following him to the nearby closet, wolf whistles and cheers following them.

It was quiet for a few moments as Bill and Emily stood in the solid darkness in utter silence until Bill was startled by Emily’s angelic voice in the dead air.

"Bill?" She asked softly, almost reluctantly.

"Um," Was his soft reply.

"How… how do you feel about me?" He heard the true need behind the question.

The need of the truth and love.

"Emily, I… I…" He paused and took a deep breath. "I love you."

Her head shot up, her eyes were wide as saucers.

"Y-you love me?" She stuttered.

"Emily, I don't care if you don't feel the same way. I just wanna b-"

He was cut off by Emily slamming her lips onto his.

The kiss was passionate yet soft and hesitant.

It was also short.

Emily pulled back unwantingly and to Bill's dismay.

"How could I not love you, you moron?" She demanded more than asked.

Bill was too stunned to answer.

Emily really loved him.

"How could I not love a goddess like you?" Bill chuckled when Emily blushed before kissing him again.

This time Bill wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her onto his lap, so she was straddling him.

She felt his lips move across her cheek to her ear, where he nibbled on her ear lobe causing her to moan.

"Emily," He whispered into her ear.

"Hmm?" She sighed/moaned, bending her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes.

"Did you really mean that you want to leave school as a virgin?" He asked moving his mouth away from her ear.

"I would rather than sleep with every guy I can." She lifted her head and stared into Bill's green eyes. "But if there was just one guy I could love and count on, then no." Emily smirked.

"Really?" Bill raised his eyebrows. "Is there any chance that guy is me?"

"No." Emily simply said.

She laughed at the shocked look on his face.

"There is no chance because it is you." She kissed him. "And I want my first time to be with you."

"Same with me." Bill said picking her up and he started to walk to the stairs, Emily behind him.

When they got to his parents' room Bill kicked the door shut behind him and placed Emily on the bed.

But instead of joining her, he stepped back to admire her just sitting on the bed.

"What?" She asked with a smile.

"Nothing." Bill walked up to Emily and traced the contours of her face with is hand.

His warm breath tickled her neck making her spine tingle.

"Emily…" He said lovingly. Bill pushed her softly against the bed with his hand supporting her neck.

He pressed his body against hers with his head buried in her shoulder.

He phased her shirt and bra off to reveal her pale skin and threw them across the room.

Bill gently nipped her collarbone, earning himself a gasp.

He smirked against her skin.

He pulled himself up to look at her.

The way her skin shimmered in the moon light coming through the window and the shine in her blue eyes made her look like a goddess.

Having Bill look at her with such intense eyes made her shiver all over her body.

Emily could feel his eyes scan her body, carefully taking in the view of her exposed chest.

Her hands wanted to cover herself, but they couldn't.

Bill's strong arms held them firmly above her head.

Bill dipped his head down and licked her earlobe, making his princess twitch.

His lips trailed down the side of her face leaving a trail of fresh kisses.

Finally, his lips made it to hers.

When they were right above hers, he crashed them down with hunger.

Bill begged for entrance as his tongue liked her bottom lip.

The woman under him moaned into the passionate kiss, leaving an opening.

With his first chance, his tongue darted in deepening the kiss.

Their tongues soon began to fight for dominance.

After a while they broke apart to catch their breaths.

One of Bill's hands let loose of Emily's arm as it traveled down.

He heard Emily moan silently as his fingers played with one of her peaks.

His head slowly crept down to take in the other peak into his mouth.

His tongue swiveled it around making her moan louder.

Then he began to suck on it making her make more erotic sounding noises.

It excited him, making him nip her hardened peaks.

After a while, his other hand traveled down to her round hips.

Bill phased her shorts and underwear off at once and threw them to join her shirt and bra on the floor.

He used his hand to push her against his hardened manhood showing her his need.

Emily felt it poke her thigh roughly.

When she looked down, she saw a massive bulge growing.

When Bill nipped her peaks again, she arched her back into his body.

Bill's mouth left her breast as it traveled back up to her face.

He kissed her again but this time much softer.

He felt two arms snake around his neck deepening the kiss.

He also felt one of her shapely legs wrap around his waist.

Bill soon felt her grab at his shirt and Emily threw it across the room to join her clothes.

Bill used one arm to prop himself up and the one placed on her waist began to travel somewhere else.

He soon found her entrance that was dripping with her sweet nectar.

Emily felt a great wave of pleasure emit through her body as something entered her maiden hood.

She realized it was Bill's fingers slowly pumping in and out of her.

Her fingers dug into his back as she arched her body into his again.

Then she felt him shove in another finger.

A moan escaped her lips making him enter another one.

"Ahhh…" She said loud enough to drive him mad.

Bill's pace picked up as soon as he heard her moan out in ecstasy.

He felt her body grind into his hand in unison.

He kissed her as she moaned into his mouth.

He could feel her about to reach her climax.

As she drew nearer, he lowered his head until he was in-between her legs.

Bill quickly retracted his fingers and replaced it with his mouth.

He began to kiss it making her scream out his name in pleasure.

"Bill… ahhh!" She screamed as she felt a wet tongue enter her and swirl around.

Her body arched a final time before sinking back into the bed with a final sigh.

A rush of fluids exited her core as he lapped it up.

She tasted like honey; how would she feel?

Bill removed his pants and underwear, revealing his throbbing manhood.

He placed himself right above her with both arms placed at the side of her head supporting him.

He lowered his body until his manhood was placed at the entrance of her womanhood.

Before Bill entered her, he kissed her with passion.

He pushed himself inside of her with all his self-control he had left.

When he came to her barrier Bill broke the kiss and looked at her.

When Emily nodded, he kissed her again and broke through her barrier.

When he was completely rested inside of her, he broke the kiss to look at her.

When Bill saw the pain on her face, he closed his eyes and cursed himself for hurting her.

When he felt her arms re-wrap themselves around his neck, he opened his eyes and saw her smile up at him.

"It's okay, Bill." She whispered and he started to rock his hips.

When he pulled himself halfway out, he pushed his self-back in.

As his pace began to pick up, he felt Emily join him in a rhythmic pattern.

Bill growled as he could feel his partner about to reach her climax for the second time that night.

He had her moaning once again.

"Ahhh… it feels so good," She moaned into his ear. "Ahhhhh!" She screamed as her walls tightened around his shaft.

Bill soon followed her as he reached his peak.

His body lightly collapsed onto hers.

Both of their sweat mixed together as they embraced each other.

"Emily", Bill panted before kissing her forehead.

"Yes, Bill?" Emily panted, her blue eyes shining.

"W-Will you be my princess?" Bill breathed as he moved an aqua blue strip of hair from his beloved’s eyes.

Emily smiled and, as if answering his question, she kissed his lips tenderly, Bill cupping the side of her face with his hand.

Taglist:

@celestiaelisia @shhh-no-ones-home

#keanu reeves #ted theodore logan #bill and ted #keanu reeves fanfiction #ted theodore logan fanfiction #bill and ted fanfiction #keanu reeves fanfic #ted theodore logan fanfic #bill and ted fanfic #keanu reeves fic #ted theodore logan fic #bill and ted fic #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #my writing

[everything-lobotomy-corporation]

Worries & Welfare ::Chesed x Reader::

-Chapter 1-

This is a heavily modified AU. Sephirah are human, CEO has a daughter, PS you’re the daughter. I’m making stuff up at this point, I hope other people like it.

He tracked a small bit of blood behind him as he walked, trudging through the puddles of blood and bile and bits of viscera. The man ran a hand through his blue hair, letting out a tough sigh as he named off every single mangled body that he passed. He tried to imagine them walking triumphantly behind them, telling him the news and keeping him up to date with the abnormalities. He almost managed to smile, even though the top of his shoe knocked an eye ball out of his path. He took in a shaky breath. If only he had a coffee right now. The smell was overwhelming and it had only been a few hours since the incident. The remainders of teams were rounding up the few escaped abnormalities left. Nothing remained in his department. The Sephirah sighed, his eyes darting back and forth at the twisted faces of corpses he passed.

"Sefirot meeting. now." He heard. He didn't bother to stop walking or turn around, still shambling down the hall just as slowly as before. "Chesed," He heard sternly. "I need you to come with me."

"Yesod, I'm busy." He finally answered, putting his hands in his pockets. " Go bother someone else."

"Angela needs to speak to all of us on the CEO's behalf." The purple haired man said once more. He seemed a bit steamed, gritting his teeth as he spoke. "It's in your best interest to show up."

"I'll get there. Let me grieve in peace." Chesed said firmly, finally glaring over his shoulder at the man. Yesod scoffed, not bothering any longer and simply walking away.Chesed stayed for a bit longer, the sound of light chanting still ringing in his memory as he took in the carnage around him. He didn't want to be here any longer. He thought he prepared himself for this. Maybe not well enough.

Chesed arrived in the meeting room, noting that he was the 5th one to arrive. He smiled, taking a seat next to the twins and kicking back in his chair with a fresh cup of coffee in his right hand. At the end of the table sat you. Chesed couldn't help but smile wider to see you. The CEO didn't let his daughter deal with such affairs quite normally, so it was a joy to see him prepping you for the position of manager. Angela stood to your right, informing you in her robotic way of your basic duties and such.

"Sorry I'm late." Said the man with the olive hair, making the female twin to Chesed's right let out a low groan.

"Why don't you take your job seriously!?"

"Lisa, Not today-"

"No, Netzach, Not in here." Angela quickly warned, hearing the man enter. "She is referred to as Tiphereth in a professional setting."

"That makes it hard as fuck to differentiate between them." Netzach said under his breath, taking a seat beside Chesed. They smiled at each other. "I can call you by your name right, Danny boy?"

" Shut up, Giovanni." Chesed joked under his breath, making sure not to be heard by Angela. It seemed that she turned her focus back to you. Chesed liked the name he was given. Much more so than Daniel. Sephirah's weren't allowed to go by their real names, which was weird for the twins but mostly no one complained. A few more people entered the room but Chesed didn't turn to look, still watching you thumb through paperwork, trying to figure out what was what.

"Everyone, Thank you for coming." Angela started. The doors closed almost on cue, putting a few of the more meek sefirot on edge. "Now. As I'm sure you all are aware, we suffered a massive breach 4 hours ago that we have, only 20 minutes ago, gotten under control." While her voice sounded calm, everyone winced at the surely scathing intentions. "The breach started in the Security Department."

"Big shocker." The female Tiphereth said under her breath. She didn't really care who heard and Netzach sunk lower in his chair after hearing his department on blast. Chesed offered him a weak smile, hoping he wasn't discouraged.

"Because of this over 100 employee's are now dead." Angela continued, " The entirety of Welfare team, including clerks, is dead."

"Ouch," Started the Snarky red head across the table. "Chesed how could you let them all die?" He pursed his lips, moving to take a sip of coffee only to notice that his hand was shaking. He seemed surprised, trying his best to remain calm.

"Sephirah Chesed."

"Yes, Ma'am." He answered quickly. Angela looked pleased with that, at least. She looked through some papers for a moment, handing a few off to you, who looked very confused sitting at the head of the table.

"With your team dead, we may have to move abnormalities and close your department until we can hire some replacements." He simply nodded. He didn't really want to hear that but at this point there was nothing he could do. Until you spoke.

"Why?" Your question was simple yet the room sat in silence. You almost felt stupid, all those eyes on you. You leaned back a little in your fancy chair, biting your lip. Reluctantly, you explained. "I've seen departments run with only a couple people."

"It's possible," Angela started, "but Chesed has some very dangerous abnormalities in his department. We cannot entrust one person to handle them all."

"I have an idea," the raven haired woman spoke, the tone of her voice dragging along.

"Yes, Binah?"

"Swap his out with a couple of simple ones from other departments. Give him some easy ones and he'll be able to handle the job on his own. If we take Welfare team out of commission totally then we'd be losing a lot of energy production."

"I do not believe Chesed could handle his entire department on his own." Angela said flatly. Chesed felt a sting but quickly spoke up.

"I can handle it. We need the energy production."

"What if I help?" You asked, the entire room looking at you again, a couple of themes snickering. Angela seemed shocked, holding a hand to where a heart would be. "I needed field experience anyway."

"I meant more of from a Sefirot perspective. Sefirots do not normally go into abnormality chambers. Chesed is only doing it because he has no team." She clarified, "I would never send you in there-"

"I want to help!" You insisted, making Chesed smile. "I know it could be dangerous but isn't that what this whole line of work is like? I want to get to know this place from an employee's perspective!" Angela just blinked, staring at you with disbelief. She looked back to Chesed, who just shrugged.

"... um... very well... I will try and fill his team quickly then.. in the mean time. Chesed.. get acquainted with your new... 'team member' ."

#lobotomy corp #lobotomy corporation #reader #chesed

[eris0330]

Hiraeth - Nine

☽Pairing☾ ; BTS | Reader

☽Genre☾ ; Angst | Fluff

☽Word Count☾ ; 2.3k

☽Summary☾ Returning back to Korea after years of being under the ground, to see your parents. You wished it was all it took, to feel complete again. The aftermath of confusion, betrayal and sorrow was the reason to never come back into the boys presents. But it wasn’t until, seeing one them enter the same cafe, at the right time.

☽M. List☾ ;  1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13 // 14 // 15 // 16 // 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 [ongoing]

Yes this is what you have been waiting two weeks for i’m sorry ㅠㅠ

------------

“Okay, are you sure about this?” Chan asked as he entered the new apartment, with open windows showing the sun set behind the blocks. His eyes setting on a view, that he from now on had to get used to. The less decorated walls of nothing, setting an awareness that this weren’t your home, it wasn’t going to be your home. It was merely temporary, when he only saw a white wall in front of him.

When you asked him to get the tickets for BTS’s last winter concert, you knew it would be a hard challenge for him. Ever since you left, the boys became even more popular through the years and the tickets were easily sold out. But, Changkyun had the connections that you lost. It took him a long time to find the right person, but he did it. Fulfilled a task like when you first met, setting each other up like agents. From the first time, he asked you for a favour to prank Wonho, he knew that you were the right one. His destined, partner in crime.

“I am sure.” You replied determent, zipping up your jacket and the significant mask on your face to cover your identity. Even though you had faith that no one would recognise you, not even by the boys as there are too many people around. There was still, an unpleasant feeling in the bottom of your stomach that everything was going to go wrong. But, you wanted to see them. To see them in the light, they have set foot in and ruled the world ever since. Something, that you couldn’t continue despite the support you received.

“Alright then, let’s go…-God damn it. I forgot how annoying this mask is sometimes. Gets too hot easily” You shook your head annoyed, grabbing the tickets and Changkyun following along, kicking himself out of the unfamiliar room. He wanted to see the one you have created memories in.

“When are you ACTUALLY going to meet them, Y/N?” After a while of walking towards the venue, Changkyun couldn’t help the silence scratching his back to speak. The amount of questions, he needed to ask, to feel at peace in his head for a while. He couldn’t imagine what went through your head, when you didn’t speak. Those eyes that were once so warm, replaced with confusion and lost roads. An undying soul that were trapped, but could only find relief in the pitch darkness.

“I don’t know… I try to imagine, what it would be like. But… Nothing comes through.” You muttered, looking ahead of the crowded people piling up at the front. Deciding to wait a while, to see the doors open, you knew there would be going at least twenty minutes before even 15 percent has come through. It was something you always did, watching the fans walk into the venue. The amazement of the people to come by, just to see you. The energy, warmth and chants were everything that could keep your head high and smile to them.

“You need to forgive yourself” Chan blurted out, watching you stand in a daze. Your hands shaking in fear, to gather the courage to watch them. To stand between the ones who have supported you through a screen and their wallet, you needed to thank them, but never did. Instead, you betrayed them.

“Excuse me?” You questioned, raising a brow at him. Taking his own mask on, he stared over the thread of boys and girls, behaving like no other to see their favourite idol. Smiling beneath the white mask, he sighed heavily.

“Forgiveness. I know you probably think you gave up on them, or even worse, betrayal. But Y/N, that’s not how it works. You didn’t betray anyone. It’s hard to explain, but to be forgiven and find courage, you need to forgive yourself. Without forgiveness, you will be stuck. Nowhere to go.”

The aura, changing as the sky with the orange hue, became purple. The breezy air turning colder and your shoulders lighter. Changkyun gave you his soft eyes, like it was nothing but a tiny mistake as a kid. Something in his words, made sense in your head. You blamed yourself for the horrible doings in your life, and for the wrong doings of others. The fear of facing them with the guilt written in your face, was something you’d want to avoid at all costs. But, forgiving yourself, was the first step to erase those words from your forehead. To look forward, and smile.

“Let’s go” You spoke, taking your hand in his as you both followed each other. Clutching tighter to not get lost, to stay where everything felt warm and familiar. Blending in weren’t hard, when it was the seasons of people having a cold. A majority, wore a mask and that way, you looked like any other fan to enjoy their music.

The venue seemed different, the stages has been upgraded. You had almost forgotten, how big it seemed from afar than on stage. To fit eight people, side by side, to dance the routines you have been taught were sometimes harder than it looked. Luckily, Changkyun had found some of the best seats of the concert. The stage, only a few metres away and able to see every angle of the boys without being noticed. The waiting, were a pain. Your legs were shaking, people pushing, anxiety rising in your chest and the forbidden mask becoming hotter by the second. It was like it never started, and that you were suffering on purpose. But, the lights turned off, the army bombs held high and the music starting. It was a beat, so familiar your body moved in an instant. The boys appearing, and their features glowing under the stage light. It was unreal, to see them step around and sing. The faces you remember so well from the dreams you have had, when there was nothing else to do. Their eyes glistering and their voices booming, like the way you remembered. But, their smiles. So blissfully beautiful, yet painful. It wasn’t as you remembered. They looked the same, but the feeling, the joy was gone. It was unfamiliar, that your heart broke watching them. The emotions, the thoughts, the dreams crashing and the heat building. The mask became too much, and taking it off was a necessity. Changkyun became worried, of your sudden outburst. Your body, breaking apart of their smiles fading. Where did it go?

Watching them, for hours of singing, dancing and even talking. Voices deep and calm, yet the smiles didn’t fit like it used to. Their bodies shrinking, and the dark circles underneath their eyes revealed. You understood, like no other. That they were in pain and all could do, was to watch it unfold.

“We hope you remember this, like we do.” Yoongi spoke into the microphone, watching the fans up front with their fancams and army bombs.

“It’s still one of my favourites” Taehyung added, while Jungkook nodded along. Fans cheering, and the music starting. Soon enough, your heart was repaired and destroyed yet again. Spring day, were performed, without you. It wasn’t that you weren’t there anymore, or that your lines were given to someone else. It was the fact, that they still kept your spot in the dance routine free.

The boys never felt it was right, for anyone of them to take it. Your spot, their view. That’s why, whenever they performed spring day, the spot was free. Like the song, no darkness, no season can last forever. You will meet again.

Ending the concert with Changkyun by your side, it was hard to not go behind the stage to hold them tight. So tight, you might have choked them. To feel their presence and let them come to you, like they always did.

“It’s okay. You’ll get to meet them soon enough” Changkyun’s finger brushing away the tears falling on your cheeks, from the pain and love that were untouchable. The memories, the presents were too much for your emotions, to keep at one place. It didn’t occur, that you were crying. Blood shot eyes, and a headache forming as if someone hit it with a hammer. The punishment, for letting it go this far.

“I miss them, so god damn much…” You choked, letting his arms surround you into a warm hug. His chest as broad like the first day you met, coming to him with your problems about Wonho. His heart beating, to soothe your aching cries.

“I know you do, but now is not the right time” He whispered, knowing how desperate you were to meet them. To feel, love and talk to them again like before. But watching you fall down from being far away, outside of their view, he knew you weren’t ready. The forgiveness, you needed to give yourself, before anyone could move towards the right path.

---------

“So, anything tonight?” Jin questioned the youngest, as they both changed attire to something less sticky. The sweat of hard work of performance, and the aching muscles of moving around. Jin promised to help Jungkook with finding you, even if it meant that he had to take hard measures. The other members, were still getting used to it but were afraid, they’d have the same symptoms as Jungkook. Seeing you everywhere, even though they knew you weren’t there.

“Maybe…No…” Jungkook muttered a response, knowing well that the chance you would appear at their concert, were small. It was a tiny hope he had left, wishing you would see him on stage from the chairs beneath. Imagining you were in between the crowd of people, gave him strength to do the best he could. Even if his muscles were screaming, he would do it all, just for you to see.

“Maybe next time Kiddo” Jin encouraged with a pat on the shoulder, knowing what types of disappointment happens when seeing anyone else than you.

“I miss her…” Jungkook whispered, biting on his lip as the shirt were pulled over his head. Jin could only bite his lip, as he tried to pull the best smile for enlighten. “We all do…”

Even though, the concert always gave them a thing to look forward to. The light sticks flashing and waving, to encourage the boys for their hard work. To continue work harder than the day before, for Army.

“Jin, you have a schedule for the cooking show on Vlive tomorrow at 9am” The manager popped a head into the waiting room, catching the older brother’s eyes in the dying room. Nodding for agreement, taking everything with positivity and a smile. The words of cooking, became a drag to him. Jin found less enjoyment in cooking for others, when it wasn’t you. His face faltering and his heart seeking for warmth, while it only became colder by the second. The way you would wait by the kitchen table, watching his every step with care. Complimenting him for his good work and lecture, of how to make the perfect egg roll properly. To spice up the most ordinary dish, giving the kick it needed. You were his personal taste tester, and having you around were the best part of cooking. Now that you’re gone, it didn’t come to him as excitement to start the stove, even open the fridge. But, the things he loved to do the most, was cutting the onions. That way, he had an excuse for the tears running down his cheeks every time. Jin wanted to be strong, to be the one to give the encouraging words to the others. But deep down he knew, it was never easy with the painful heartaches that came with every decision he did. False hope is what they called it now, wanting the proof to know it’s real and get their hopes back.

----------

“I’m taking off!” Jin spoke loudly through the dorm, receiving different responses of a ‘bye’ from the members. Shaking his head with a sigh, he had to prepare himself for the cooking Vlive, knowing that it was something he needed to get over with, or at least try to enjoy with the pain left. Turn it around and try to find the good sides, as you used to say to him.

“Hold on, I think you need to see this. GUYS GET IN HERE” Namjoon yelled as he came out of his bedroom, with Taehyung following from behind. Confused and curious, Jin waited patiently as they all arrived. The boys came out one by one, annoyed and partly tired of the sudden rush of news.

“Did anyone check Twitter recently?” Namjoon asked as they all found place in the living room, to sit beside each other while Taehyung could barely keep his body at ease.

“She’s back” Taehyung blurted mildly ecstatic, while the others could only give a confused expression. Their minds not ready for the news, even though they all had a hint of it. It was just a question, about if they were ready to believe it.

“Just take a look at this” With that, they were all surrounding an IPad. Articles, Twitter, and a Youtube video, showing off a fancam of Hoseok. But, it wasn’t that he did a great job on stage. It was the fact, that Army caught you in the crowd behind them.

“It can’t…can it..?” Jungkook questioned, replaying the video again to see your face appear in the back. It was far away, but his heart told him, that was really you. The others, still in shock and half of them in disbelief. Thinking, you were right there, but no one saw. Every piece of imagination going through their head from last night, that you were watching them doing every move, sing every word and express their emotions on stage. Yoongi caught the slim face and the tears falling from the stage light, when Spring day played. His own heart, beating harder and racing like a panic attack. He wasn’t ready, he isn’t ready.

“…what now?” Hoseok questioned, seated back in the black leather couch. The others sitting with a tense atmosphere, processing the video over and over again. Thinking, would it have turned out differently, if they saw you back then?

#sfwbangtan #yoongguknet #hyunglinenetwork #bcgnet #bts #bts texts #bts text #bangtan #bangtan boys #beyond #beyond the scene #bts scenario #bts angst #bts fluff #monsta x #fluff #angst #kpop scenario #bts fic #fiction #fanfiction #yoongi #jimin #jin #jungkook #namjoon #hoseok #taehyung #changkyun #wonho

[himenation]

MONSTA X 2ND WORLDTOUR IN AMSTERDAM (LIVE REPORT) - AFAS 20.06.2018

This is a long live report containing things how I even became a fan, to the AMAAAAAZING (not) queue, setlist, live, m&g and random moments. All fan cams and fanpics are uploaded on my twitter which I linked in this post too!

I went to Monsta X’s 2nd Worldtour in Amsterdam this month! I started to get to know Monsta X during their Beautiful promotions and when I heard they would come to Europe the first time (in 2017), I was doubting whether I should go or not. I knew like 10 songs and another fan could go instead of me. It was not close anyway, so I decided to take part in the campaign for Amsterdam. For people who don’t know MMT. MMT is a fan dedicated promoter, in which you can request an artist to come to your city and if you have enough ‘makes’ (so points) they’ll talk with the artist. 

Anyways, I took part in the campaign in august 2017. Uni was about to start and I kinda forgot about the lives for a while. Until it was around the DRAMARAMA period (and their first win omg!), I followed them again; so after their MBC performance, I got a text message from MMT that they’re starting to talk to MONSTA X. At this point I would give this presale code to somebody else, but I didn't know when the actual concert was supposed to be so I waited. So while I was waiting for their JEALOUSY comeback, I started to watch their shows because I was bored and I LITERALLY FELL INTO THE FANDOM (and not just the music). I loved these guys so much? They were so precious and funny. I really wanted to see them live and regretted not going to the Beautiful Tour. So for their Jealousy comeback, I even bought The Connect; I texted every time they had a show and streamed their MVs so they could win another win (and they did!) (I've only done this for BTS before). So just around the time of the MV release, they announced they would be coming to AMSTERDAM. I was so happy. Flash forward to the ticket sale: I went to uni early, had a computer; laptop and my phone ready and immediately bought 2x VIP tickets!!

After counting down the days to the concert, I was finally here. I couldn't wait to hear Destroyer and Lost In the Dream live (My fav songs of the new album). Fans were allowed to queue from 11, but no-one seemed to listen to it :’) Every standing type had to get a wristband (VIP included). So I was kinda late and arrived at 12 , but my wristband number was 139. I quickly had sushi with my sister at ICHI-e and went to Starbucks (and a grocery store) to get some food and drinks for the queue. Just when we were about to leave the restaurant, I got a message from MMT that they messed up the wristband numbers for VIP and it was now FCFS (First Come first Serve). It was also the hottest day of the week, yippie :’)

Queue The queue was one big mess... Fans were incredibly rude and mean and staff didn’t do anything about it either. Girls were screaming at the security and talking very rudely, fans saying to each other ‘shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down’ (this is an actual phrase someone was screaming behind me). The venue staff gave us WATER IN A BUCKET and it wasn't until a monsta x staff came and gave everyone bottles. I also met two very sweet fansites! They gave out free stuff and were overall very sweet! They talked a lot to us and were next to us in the queue. We also met two friends who wanted to go to their friends, but since people were rude; my sis stopped them and they were next to us. Even though we were strangers, me and my sis shared our food and drinks with them. During the queue certain people started to push fans and we told them to stop and they started to fight with us??? and basically telling us ‘are you blind’ :)) (also they thought the fansites were Korean so they were all nice to them but shitty to other people, but the fansites turned out to be Chinese so these rude koreaboos were really boo boo the fools) at around 18:00 we were allowed to go inside but everyone started pushing each other so we were really stuck and could barely breathe. Once we were inside we had to wait another 2 hours and I was so tired, but wow I was 4th row!  Live I also made a big thread of Monsta X on my twitter. Fancams Fanpics Okay first of all, this group has no visual hole. THEY ARE ALL SO VISUALS I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EYES. Honestly they're so beautiful irl??????? Although I knew they were all handsome, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw IM, Kihyun, Shownu and Hyungwon DAMN. 

The live was amazing, they kept playing DRAMARAMA, SHINE FOREVER and STUCK in the venue and we were so hyped! Once the live started; they all came in Swaroski Suits (they looked so expensive) singing Jealousy. The fan chants (at least in the VIP) were A M A Z I N G.  AAHHH I finally saw monsta x im sobbing. They then played Be Quiet (it’s one of my fav older songs) ;; and BEAUTIFUL IN SWAROSKI SUITS GUYSSSSSS. They didn't do the jacket dance since, yeah the jackets were pretty expensive HAHAHAH. Too bad.. They then had a long MC and started with Gravity and Tropical night (still wearing the suits). After changing their clothes (some kind of harness?)  they sung Crazy In love (finally a full version) and All In. The crowd really loved All In!!!!!!!! Then we had 20 minutes of solo stuff; the solo of Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun were my absolute favourite! It was so cute. The other solo’s were really good too!! The crowd died at Hyungwons and IMs solo though.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH AFTER SOLO they sung From Zero (Seven member version) and oh my god Wonho looked so beautiful??? This song is so cute?? I can't remember much of Because of You im sorry ;; White love was really emotional, they didn't expect the banner project (1000days with monbebe) at all and really loved it. Rollercoaster was so cute live as well, they all pretended to sit in a rollercoaster lol. After they went off stage, the destroyer MV played AND I SCREAMED SO LOUD I WAS NOT READY, NO ONE WAS READY NO ONE! LITERALLY IM DEAD. But they bloody sung LOST IN THE DREAM and I was really lost in the dream, wow....... The vocals..... wow.. Im........................... it was so beautiful live. Guys, ive heard Kihyuns iconic high note (well a lot of people shouted OOOOFFFF BUT I STILL HEARD ONE OF MY FAV SONG I! CANT! BELIEVE!). Also very random to mention but Jooheon is one hell of a good performer, he was not even nervous and the stage was HIS BITCH, his rap and his stage aura are so mind-blowing.

I always joked they should play lost in the dream and destroyer after each other to let the fans die but they really did IT! The choreo of Destroyer was so good and fitted the song. In the beginning Wonho waved and gave a finger heart though... I was never a fan of Shine Forever, but It was so nice and also doing the fan chants! Rush is a song I used to skip but ooof, it was also very nice to hear. Monsta X really enjoyed singing Special too AND YESSSSSSSS FINALLYYYYYYY TRESPASS THE WHOLE CROWD WAS SO LIT WE ALL RAPPED ALONG AND IT WAS HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST PERFORMANCES SO FAR IDGJKDSGS. They all positioned to the Dramarama pose and yes they did Dramarama!!!! but now the concert was about to end too :( Monsta X said they love Falling, Ive heard people say they love performing Falling and yes they REALLY LOVE FALLING. My heart was so full of uwu when I saw them performing falling, I love these babies so much :’). We showed them the banners during If Only again and Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun were really emotional and it was so sad to see this ending :( But I was about to meet these guys as well AAAAAAHHH. I dont know if it was Minhyuk or IM but one of them took of Wonho’s shirt lol and he threw it in a crowd. Before that they also took a group pic ;; tbh I wished they did Stuck and Hero as well, but overall I really loved the setlist so much.

Meet and greet Order: Wonho - Shownu - Kihyun - Minhyuk - Hyungwon - Jooheon - IM Usually when fans meet artist, fans are the ones talking to the artist but now Monsta X was rather talking to the fans, they were so sweet and they all had the most genuine and sweetest smile ever. The M&G was unfortunately very fast and I could only say  Wonho: I think he was still very sad and looked like he cried too but his hands are so soft ;; I thanked him and he nodded and gave a thumbs up lol Shownu: I knew it was his birthday in London so I told him a happy belated birthday ;; and he said thank you as well! Kihyun: ok, I may have said I love you instead of thank you AHHGHGHHGHAHAHG and yeah that was kihyuns reaction too he laughed and said thank you lol Minhyuk: He said thank you very much!! NO THANK YOUUU (while smiling so sweet) Hyungwon: Somehow he was very giggly but we both said thank you to each other!! Jooheon: We both said thank you to each other aaaaaahh IM: Since I barely had time (after hyungwon) I just told him thank you and he said the same ;; We then got a poster from the tour and the show was unforunately over :(( MMT announced a week before the concert there would be no merch so I didn't have a lightstick either so it was nice having a poster as a reminder (and the fans we got from the fansites ofc). Setlist (duration 2,5hours) 1. Jealousy 2. Be Quiet 3. Beautiful -- 4. Gravity 5. Tropical Night -- 6. Crazy in Love 7. All in -- 8. Wonho, Minhyuk, Kihyun - Neol Hada 9. Jooheon, Shownu - Versace on the Floor 10. Hyungwon, IM - Fake Love (Drake) 11. Hyungwon, IM - How long // another IM solo (not sure) -- 12. From Zero 13. Because of you 14. White Love 15. Rollercoaster -- 16. Lost in the dream -- 17. Destroyer 18. Shine forever -- 19. Rush 20. Special 21. Trespass -- 22. Dramarama *ENCORE* 23. Falling -- 24. If Only *Group pic*

Random moments -  They talked a lot of Dutch such as ‘I am...’, ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’, ‘Fries with Mayo’. IM also wanted to say Sexy but he didn’t say Sexy and Jooheon said to erase our minds LMAO KSJKD he was so embarassed - In the beginning when Kihyun was talking about Hyungwon, Hyungwon looked at him and he kinda slapped away his face (Kihyun to Hyungwon) - Just before Crazy in Love, the group was devided into two to talk with fans (one group was changing their clothes) and Jooheon was doing a weird movement with his hand and was saying AY AY AY and the fans said it too, but then the other group came (Kihyun, Shownu, Hyungwon and Minhyuk) and they all looked honestly so confused and Kihyun was like ‘AY go change your clothes now’ and then Kihyun and Hyungwon were showing off their dance moves lol - Also during the live I started as the fourth row, but people behind me kept pushing and I was suddenly 2nd row and there is a higher place for the first row so my knees kept going on that and it hurted so much lmao - Shownu, IM and Jooheon went to Beyonce the day before and talked about how amazing it was (lmao fanboying on their own concert KAJDKSFJFS) and they also said we will make it possible for them to perform there one day ;;A;; - The day of the Amsterdam concert would be 1000 days with Monbebe we would show during If Only, but since London got cut off we weren't sure whether we would hear If Only and decided to do it during White Love. - Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun got teary at If Only - Their reactions to White love were so sweet :((  - Our group hyped up every member whenever they were close to us. Hyungwon, Kihyun and Wonho noticed us a lot lol. Hyungwon waved at us too ;; - During FALLING Kihyun was drinking water and then he came to our side and you could see in his face he was about to do something and when the beat dropped he threw WATER ON US and I got so wet :((((( the fan next to me, her fan was all wet lmao.  - I got a lot of confetti in my face :’)  

#monsta x #monstax #2nd worldtour #the connect #monsta x 2nd worldtour #afas live #amsterdam #livereport #live report #shownu #wonho #minhyuk #kihyun #hyungwon #jooheon #im #changkyun

[shirleylawson]

R&R in Scotland

May 2014

I am telling you! You could not make this shit up!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am convinced I am jinxed. Someone is stabbing a wee voodoo doll with my face on it, and the bastard is not perturbed even though I keep fighting him/her and pretending like it’s water off a ducks back, with my, "bring it on" jinx fairy attitude! And still my jinx keeps trying to break me. But it’s a weird kind of jinxed because I personally feel extremely lucky and blessed, even though the jinx still keeps throwing me shit.

My latest jinxed story is this week I’ve had in Scotland. One week today I’ve been here. I so badly needed a little ME time and to decompress. Scotland/home seemed like the answer but I can't say it' been therapeutic.

I was only here a few days when I woke up with stabbing pains in my chest and an ambulance was called by my Lesley, and the next thing I knew I was lying in the Emergency room in my pink, fluffy, panther onesie (well Lesleys onesie, but it wants to be mine)! I could see on the sphyg that my blood pressure was 250/110 , geezo I thought, didn’t know numbers went that high on these machines! Digital age eh? A lovely, lovely young 1st year resident doctor boy child, who had really just gone into third year at school surely, gave me an IV of morphine and valium that buzzed and whooshed it’s lovely, lovely LOVELY way to my limbs and head within one single minute. Onsie on, hands behind my head, laying back, sun shinning outside and right onto my little stretcher bed, life felt pretty good for about 20 minutes, for the first time in too long to remember. Lesley even managed to get an unexpected day off as ‘’carer'’ to her friend, ‘’NO SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO GO WITH HER, IT’S ME, ONLY ME!!!’’, I heard her scream to her boss down the phone as I was wheeled passed by the paramedics to the ambulance! By the way, when you hear the mee maw mee maw of an ambulance in the distance, and you know it's coming for you, it's the freakiest shit! That was a first for me, it wasn't on my bucket list, but still, it was a first which is always a positive. But I’m lying there, in the emergency room, thinking, in my comfy onesie, where will we go for lunch I wonder. See Mr. Jinx? I really don’t care most of the time, you’re wasting all your good tricks on me really! Things don’t freak me out that much, I’ve pretty much done that seen most of it before so nope, the whole chest pain, ambulance (sorry to tell you but I actually loved the ambulance ride, I was so pleased as I’ve never ridden in one before and always wanted to see the inside), the whole taken to hospital thing was nothing really. I’ve been in more hospitals as a nurse AND as a patient than Mr. Jinxy’s had hot dinners, so he’ll need to try harder. All well, and by the next day I’m lying in Lesleys bright yellow bikini lapping up the ‘’normal’’ sun you get out of Dubai in her garden. A couple of days up North will sort me, get out of the city! So off I go…

No stress, no worries, no pain, no work, no editing, no clients, no husband and no kids…nothing! (all references are not in order of importance!) I felt quite chirpy on my drive up! I was awwwwing and ooooohhhing in all the right places at the beautiful scenery, window open, sun on my face, music on, out the car a couple of times to take pics, all well - not even getting upset that there was road works and I was jammed for an hour, nothing was a bother.  I could smell Loch Lomand…I was a bit euphoric actually! The last 2 hours of the 4 hour journey, my euphoria was taking over by pain in my ankles. I was finding it difficult to use the gas and clutch pedals continuously for 4 hours because of my RA and my ankles and shins were complaining! By the time I swung round that bend that takes you into Oban, and that view that catches your breath from the top of your hill, wee fishing village, typically Scottish with it’s white houses and flowered gardens, it wasn't the view that was catching my breath... it was the agony of my ankles!! I found a place to stay pretty quickly and when I took my socks off in my room, it confirmed my suspicion. Red balloon legs and feet! I thought I’ll go have a shower, get the journey off my skin, take my meds and get into bed. On my drive up, I had stopped at a garage for petrol and also bought some cute little pink lady shaving razors, quite exited me, since I’d been here a week and had about 2 weeks of gorilla legs! So shower and a de fuzzing was waiting. When I get these flares, I get hundreds of little red, what look to me like blood blisters, on my skin wherever the flare is happening, in this instance, the legs. They disappear after the flare goes. You can probably guess what happened next! I’m drying myself outside the shower, in the guest houses fluffy, big, white bath towel and I notice my legs (and big fluffy white towel) were covered in blood! I’ve only gone and forgot about my little red occasional guests and shaved all their heads off!!! Blood!? Whatever they are, these blistery things, they are connected to a direct internal blood vessel system for sure, because they would…not….stop…BLEEDING!  I get myself plugged up with around 100 wee bits of toilet paper stuck to my legs to stop the bleeding. You know, like the kind you see on mens faces after they’ve shaved sometimes? Well, same as them, but only 98 more! I was not gonna be stopped, onwards with my me time, I’m going out for fish and chips!!!!!

Fish and chips didn't prove to be such a good idea either as it turned out. Spotted a lovely wee bench, right on the sea front, all to myself with a view of little old fishing boats and the cry of seagulls, perfect. I'm eating away (great fish and chips I have to say) and I make the first fatal mistake of throwing a bit of fish out on the pebbled shore for the gulls. There's an instant swarm (or should I say flock) of seagulls, screaming and fighting over this piece of fish. Once it was eaten by the most definite gang master, as he was the size of a dog, he looked over at me and I swear he caught my gaze for at least 10 terrifying seconds. He had found the food source! That was the end of it all. I was dive bombed and swooped upon, well my box of chips, which was sitting on my lap was swooped upon. I tried to swipe them away by shouting a shoo shoo kind of chant noise and trying to act as if a swarm of birds attacking me wasn't bothering me as I was now entertaining the entire pub across the road who were all enjoying the lovely evening outside, all watching and pointing at me! I made a quick decision and threw the box down and bolted. Well bolted in my hobble kind of way at the moment, which I'm sure entertained the onlookers even more. An old lady passed me and disapprovingly shook her head at me, ''ohhhh you should't have done that!'' she said. I looked around and every seagull that has ever visited, stayed or immigrated to Oban was in the 4 foot space in front of my bench, fighting and squealing, a mass of feathers and beaks. I decided to give up in this particular day and head back to the guest house to watch the football.

At this point in a flare, I would normally sigh and think well that’s the next 4-5 days gone then. Cancel clients, prepare myself to be horizontal for at least a few days, and not in the horizontal good way, and generally prepare to disappear till it was over (except Facebook of course) Nope, I was there to de stress, me time, that’s what I was told I needed, some ME time, so I wasn’t going to let a flare get in my way. Cutting a very long story short, not a good move, going out, even for fish and chips and seagull gladiator games, didn't improve my flare. To cut another long story short I hobbled my way up to the doctors surgery first thing in the morning, hoping they would take me before three weeks on Wednesday and perchance even today? My luck was in. Jinx was teasing me. Half an hour later I’m having a 4 inch needle of cortisone injected into my ankles and sent away with a 5 days supply of steroids, bliss!  I hobbled back to my guest house at twice the speed of the first time. Still slower than the 80 year old couple I was chatting with along the way, but still, it was progress. I hobble past my guest house and head for the car park as my ticket expired one hour before. Is there any point on telling you what was on my car? £60 fine! Exceeding the paid amount of time parked. No, no i don’t care I tell myself, my flare feels so much better, I might even be able to drive tomorrow and leave, not getting upset, it's  only money (shit) and I feel better which is more important. I go to the machine and pay enough to last till 9am the next morning. I sit in the passenger seat, door open and write the nice traffic warden person a note. I say, please don’t give me another ticket if i don’t manage down before 9am. The doctor at the surgery can confirm I’m not able to walk well at the moment due to an illness, here is my phone number, I am staying at a guest home 5 minutes away. Nice note. Should do the trick. I stick the note to the inside of the passenger window and a gust of wind blows the newly bought ticket out of my hand. I tried to grab it but landed on my knees from the car door. Kneeling on all fours, head bend back watching the ticket swirl around in the wind was the first time I thought, it really is getting to be a bit much this jinx business! I don’t have anymore change. I have a £5 note. I head off down the street to find a shop to get change. I pass a young mother sitting in her garden bench on her ipad, trying to ignore the constant moaning and screaming of her three small children playing around her. I really felt sad thinking how she’ll regret that when they leave home, and wished she had spent every second looking at their wee faces instead of an iPad. Then I realise I sound like an old granny and stopped that train of thought. First shop I pass is Farm Foods (a frozen food store) and I decide an ice lolly would be just the thing. Of course it’s a whole sale, bulk buying freezer place, so I can’t buy ONE ice lolly. I buy a box of 6 and give 5 to the woman on the bench for her kids as I pass her again. Kids are delighted!

New ticket on the car, the note is there too, I’m back in my room, legs elevated, medicated up, just watched the Italy game (world cup) and wondering what tomorrow will bring.

Start of a new week, my second week in Scotland starts tomorrow.

But all said and done, I must ask the new tenants in Rome if they threw away the dish of frozen water in the freezer with the two frozen names written on pieces of paper in it? I don’t think I told them about it and explained what it was. I told the last renters and I know it was there last summer coz I saw it, so they hadn’t touched it in 3 years. I think the new renters have thrown it away. Those two names I had in the freezer will have escaped! My spell will be broken. They will have put their jinx back on me… I’m sure of it! Although that wouldn’t explain all the jinx’s when they were in the freezer these past three years now would it? Hmmmm I don’t think this white witch spell works actually now that I think about it.

My phone has just broken, screens just gone black. I can still hear it ring or sms’s come in, but I can’t reply or answer as it’s just black. Shame I sold that new phone last week. :(

The end

[type-a-nomad]

the rest of my week

Off the bat, for anyone reading this, the fact that I am starting to combine days is a very very good sign.  It means that there are not enough particularly dramatic events going on in a single day so I wrap up the themes.   So, yesterday was my first day actually volunteering at a project.  The first half of my day was spent at an Educare center called Ruthy’s.  An Educare center is basically a preschool/kindergarten for kids from ages 1-5.  We were supposed to leave at 8 but, naturally, we didn’t leave until 8:30.  We all piled into a small blue car and drove into the Township, Dunoon.  Driving through, it’s not necessarily scary during the day, but the level of poverty was just as breathtaking as expected. We pulled into a two-story concrete house and the other two volunteers and I hopped out of the van.   When we walked in the gate about 30 4-year olds were sitting on the rug clapping there hands and chanting “teacher teacher teacher!!!!!!!”.  They were all wearing red and white.  One of the boys was wearing all which with a huge red bowtie.  Me being me, I couldn't remember any of their names.  I loved the first hour.  Kids clung to my legs and wanted hugs and kisses.  At one point, I had a kid sitting on each of my legs while I'm sitting, a kid in each of my arms, and two little girls playing with my hair.  These kids LOVE straight hair.  It’s the highlight of their day I think.  Especially because I’m blonde, I think it reminds them of the disney princesses they all have on their small plastic backpacks.  It really made me think about how representation is so important.  When I was little, I really took for granted the fact that I could dress up like Cinderella and actually feel like I looked like her.  If you’re black, that’s not a feeling you really get on even close to something of the scale that I had it.  It sounds small, but when you are a 4 year-old girl, a Disney Princess is as close as you get to Jesus Christ himself. Inside the Educare center, there was one large room, maybe 20x15, and then two smaller rooms both around 12x10.  In the two small rooms were the little kids.  There were 15 kids in each room, one all under the age of 2, the other all under the age of 4.  In the big room there were about 30 kids who were all around 5 years-old.  A lot of the kids had marked on their skin, as if they had the measles or smallpox at a young age.  This bothered me, but was not entirely unexpected.  The thing that was the most upsetting was that several kids were almost entirely emotionally or socially shut down.   While 99% of the kids were thrilled to see the volunteers, a few were just unresponsive.  I would sit with them for 10 minutes and they wouldn't say a word to me.  It was very clear that they had suffered a traumatic experience to make them this way.  It was really worrying to see a child, barely four years old, already haunted by and trying to cope with an experience that has left them so scarred they refuse to even talk to their teachers or young volunteers.  They were shut-down to the point that the teachers would have to physically move their hands to get them to finger paint, or drag them to get them from one room to the next.  Otherwise, they would sit looking into their laps, silent and apparently numb to anything going on around them.  One girl, named Princess, was like this.  She was around 5, with long braids and a pretty, pink dress on.  I sat with her for over thirty minutes.  I kept asking if she was okay.  She would never respond.  About 20 minutes in she started opening up a bit, moving her hands or shaking her head when I asked her questions.  I gave her a hug and she started crying and holding onto my neck.  I don’t think any of the other teachers noticed.   By the end of the three hours I was entirely emotionally and physically exhausted.  Even though the kids were fun and happy, having so many kids in such a tight space gives no room for discipline.  The crazy ones are able to affect everyone because there’s no way to separate them.  So all it takes is one kid to go wild and you’ve lost the whole group for 10 minutes. I realized fairly quickly I do not have the stamina to be a pre-school teacher and I am much better at working with either babies or kids older than 10 than I am 3-5 year olds.  They’re just old enough to realize their independence, but too young to actually internalize the idea of authority or even general organization. It was like a very long, chaotic, mental exercise and I think, externally, I handled it well.  Internally, I needed two ice creams and a back massage to recover from the whole thing.   Unfortunately, that was not an option.  When I got back to the hostel, I made myself a grilled cheese and put on sunscreen, as I was due to teach 14 year olds how to swim in 90 minutes.  When it was time to go, I was feeling almost halfway recovered, which felt like better than I ever would have hoped.  I piled in the van with the kids who had just been picked up from school and we all headed down to the beach.  There were so many volunteers that we each had our own kid to work with.  I was paired up with a 13 year old girl named Brandy.  She was quiet, sweet, and goofy.  The first thing we did was teaching them how to float.  I have taken swim lessons all my life and realize that I have totally taken for granted how terrifying the ocean is if you don't know how to swim.  She was so insistent that I not take my hands off her while trying to help her float because she was afraid she would sink and drown, even though we were only in 3 feet of water.  Eventually, we got them all floating and then started working on flutter kicking and doggy paddling.  During the summer in Cape Town, the largest cause of death among children is drowning.  So far, the organization I am working with has trained 1,400 kids how to swim. That’s 1,400 potential drownings eliminated.   By the end of the day I was absolutely exhausted and starving.  For dinner we had a BBQ kind of thing called a potjie (pronounced poi-key), and one of the things we cooked was OSTRICH MEAT.  Not even kidding.  Apparently it’s very popular down here.  Needless to say, I did not eat that much. Thursday morning I was supposed to go back to the daycare but because I was so incredibly tired, I changed my activity to fundraising instead.  Nothing interesting really happened during the morning except a slow emotional and physical recovery on my part.  In the afternoon we took 12 eighth-grade boys out and played soccer.  They were so happy. I am not sure if I have ever seen somebody smile as big and genuinely as those kids while they were playing.  They just had a great time.  You could tell they really thought the female volunteers were cute.  It was adorable (I realize they would be appalled if they heard me refer to them as “adorable”).  They kept passing to me even though they know I don’t play at all.  Every single other person on the field was better than me because soccer is such a bigger deal in non-US countries and I was the only American volunteer (I have only met 2 other Americans out of the 90 other volunteers).  For dinner I had a meatball sub and was so hungry after that I walked down to the mini-mart and got an ice cream bar and some chocolate.   Friday was killer.  I went to a new daycare called Honeybee’s, which is notorious for being the craziest, poorest, and most disorganized out of all of the daycares.  There were 75 kids in a 3-room house.  It was chaos.  Each room was roughly divided by age group and somebody in each room was always crying.  The thing I noticed here that was more intense than the first daycare was the possessiveness of the kids.  I don’t have a reference to compare them to from the US, but these kids were so appalled by the idea of sharing.  It struck me so blatantly from the moment I started working with them.  You could not get them to share their toys ever.  I physically piled legos or cards or blocks in the middle of the table to get them to build something together or play together, and the second I moved my hands from the blocks, it was a scramble for who could sweep the most up into their arms before somebody else got them.  The desperation, even for toys, was breathtaking.  For snack, their parents are supposed to give them a piece of fruit in their bags.  Some had a normal piece of fruit, but others had genuinely rotten fruit given to them by their parents.  Rotten to the point where I felt horrible giving it out but the main teacher made me.  The respect they had for this particular teacher was amazing.  The second she left the room, all hell broke loose, but when she was there yelling at them, they were transfixed.   One of my co-volunteers, Linda (around 60 years old and from Canada), was telling me that she knows why the teacher commands respect: she beats them.  Linda told me about one time the woman took her belt off to adjust her sweater that was stuck underneath and, once she took it off and all of the kids saw, the entire room fell absolutely silent in fear.  That’s the kind of environment these kids go to school in. A lot of them have bumps on their faces that I can’t really tell where from but it’s clearly some kind of illness.  One boy in the youngest room had a face that was completely bloody.  The entire area around his mouth and chin had really really deep gashes and cuts on it and there was a pink paste that was spread on top of it that I assume was supposed to help with healing the wounds but it looked to me like it was just getting all over his shirt.  The best piece of news I have from the experience is that I figured out how to get them to all sit down and listen. First I yell “everybody put your hands up!!” and everyone does because they like following physical demands to get their energy out I think.  Then I ask them to do a little wiggle, then quickly put their hands down.  Then we repeat it until I am sure everyone is listening.  Also, when I read them books for story time, I read in a really low voice and asked them what colors things in the drawings were to keep them checked-in. Further, whenever they would shout out the answers, I would say I couldn't hear them unless they use an “inside-voice”.   Their favorite part of the day was when we took them outside to the small, sandy playpen across the street.  I chased a few of them around and whenever somebody hit somebody else, I would pick them up and hold them while they cried and cried, clinging to me and never wanting to let go.  It does not seem like these kids get a lot of hugs, so I try to give them out as much as I can without completely throwing off the lesson.  The thing that upset me most during our outdoor playtime was how quickly the kids would start making guns out of sticks and papers lying around and pretending to shoot each other and people passing by.  Their awareness of violence is breathtaking.   When I got back at 12:30pm, 4 hours later, I made myself a meatball sandwich (which was really exciting because I usually don't have access to meat or protein until dinner time) and then proceeded to pass out for 6 hours because my head was pounding so hard consciousness wasn't really an option.  So, anyways, I am still alive, starting to get to know people at the program, and settling in a bit.  I will start posting photos soon.  I am just too tired to even edit this piece so fancy media will be coming as soon as I start increasing my stamina for my daily program.

-Q

[imagines-bangtan]

Idols - Chapter Twelve - End

Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4  Chapter 5 Chapter 6  Chapter 7  Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 *Chapter 12 - End*

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Synopsis: When you moved to Korea to finish your Oxford language and translations degree in Korean. You never expected you’d become best friends with one of the biggest boy groups of the K Pop industry. Let alone dating a member of another. Life was perfect for you. But it soon came crashing down like a tone of bricks.

Word Count: 2140

A/N: I’m so sorry for taking so long writing this!!! I’ve been too scared to finish it!!! I might write an epologue if anyone wants it but idk!! Let me know!! 

29/08/17 - Idols - Fin~

The next morning you woke to knocking at your door and a voice telling you that Daegi had made breakfast. Pulling yourself out of bed, you made your way to the kitchen where all of the other boys were gathered around the table. When Daegi placed the food on the table, you all started to pile it onto your plates with watering mouths and tongues swiping across your bottom lips.

When you began to dig in, you looked around the table at the other member's faces. You could tell that Minhyeon was more than a little bit hung over by the way his eyes were still bloodshot and his shoulders were hunched.

Yujin’s entire face was swollen as it often was when he had just woken up, informing you he had been dragged here seconds after he woke up. The other members looked how they usually looked beside Jae-Hwa who looked exhausted. His eyes were swollen as if he had been crying all night, his hair looked as sweaty as it looked post nightmare, and his posture showed everything about being distressed. But you tried to ignore it all.

“What’s the plan for today?” Chee asked you, shoving a mixture of food into his mouth.

“I’m going to meet up with Yoongi later before he goes away for promotions.” You explained after swallowing a mouthful of warm food.

“When do you want us gone.” He asked.

“No idea yet.” You pushed more food into your mouth and the conversation ended there.

A half-comfortable silence fell over the table until you and Daegi caught each other’s eyes. His head jolted towards Jae-Hwa quickly and you knew exactly what he was trying to say. Your suspicions were right.

The meal came to a quiet end and you told the members they could take showers if they wished while you helped Daegi clean up. His eyes told you that he wanted to talk to you in private and you weren’t in the position to say no. His eyes told you that he was worried and that he had a lot to both ask and tell. And still, you weren’t in the position to not give him answers this time.

The tension began to rise as soon as the other members left the room and the two of you were alone. You began washing and drying in silence until Daegi spoke up two minutes later, “Jae-Hwa has been having nightmares since you and Minhyeon had your talk.” Your heart sank into your stomach. You knew the news would affect him, but you didn’t think it would do so this much. And the tone of Daegi’s voice made something deep in you snap. He almost seemed angry. You didn’t say anything because there were too many guilty thoughts going through your mind for you to sort out. None of which were you ready to voice. “I wasn’t going to tell you,” Daegi broke the silence after realising you weren’t going to, “but last night was the worst of it. He woke me up chanting "don’t go" over and over again until I shook him awake. Even when he woke up he was sobbing. What did you say to him?” His voice showed that he was genuinely worried. He didn’t care about any past drama, he put Jae-Hwa first for once because this time you hurt him.

You shook your head. You couldn’t tell him, not yet at least. Tears began to prick at your eyes and you had decided you were through with crying. “I can’t tell you, Gi.” Dropping your head, you wiped your eyes and started to quicken your pace at drying the dishes.

“Why not?” He yelled, throwing the cloth he was using into the sink and turning to you, “We’re friends, right? Why can’t you tell me?” You jumped back at his harsh tone and looked into his eyes to see them filling with tears. This is it. You thought. It took a lot to work Daegi up for him to explode and you had done it.

“I just… I can’t. Not yet.” You shook your head and looked anywhere apart from his now water filled eyes.

“Y/n,” He placed both hands on your shoulders and stared into your eyes as you still tried to avoid his, “what happened?” A tear fell from his left eye and before you could even think of responding you were saved by a buzzing in your pocket.

Quickly wiping your eyes and nose, you answered the call and ran away from Daegi as quick as possible as Yoongi’s voice filled your ears.

An hour passed before Yoongi arrived at your door. The boys had left half an hour ago, Daegi merely giving you a sad look as he walked out of the door not saying a word.

Pulling Yoongi into a hug as he walked through the door, you smiled and tried to forget what had happened this morning. You wanted to enjoy the day with your boyfriend without any other boys invading your thoughts.

“How was last night?” Yoongi knocked down your plans of not thinking about other boys with the first sentence he had said to you since he entered your place.

“Good! Like the old times!” You covered up the drama with a little white lie and sat next to Yoongi on the couch, “How is preparing for the comeback?” You successfully diverted the attention from you to him.

“Exhausting,” his shoulders sank and you could see from his eyes how hard he had been working, “but exciting. I miss being on the stage.” He admitted with a sincere smile.

Most of the preparations were complete now. All of the teaser photos had been released and the fans were ready to explode by the look of your twitter feed. All that had to be released was the music video, then promotions could really start. A mixture of feelings went through you at how close the comeback was, and how awful the timing was. On one hand, you were excited to see your boys back on the stage and doing what they did best, but on the other, your time with all of them was being stolen from what seemed like a long time. This one was a long album and you heard that they were promoting it for a long time due to the global success they had been receiving.

“What was the song you were working on yesterday?” You asked, confused as to why he was working on a song when the album had already been completed.

“Just something” He muttered.

After thinking for a while you decided to let it slide and instead you asked what the plan for today was and he admitted he hadn’t thought of anything to do. “How about we go out for dinner later? It might be the last time we can go out before comeback.” He offered, and you nodded with a smile.

For the rest of the morning, you sat around and laughed with each other as if nothing in the world was wrong. Both of you were susceptible to feeling like crap and had been through an awful lot, but somehow when the two of you were together you felt like everything was okay. Two negatives make a positive right?

“What are you going to wear out tonight, babe?” Yoongi asked with a hand resting on your thigh casually.

“No idea,” you answered having not thought that far ahead, “it depends on where we are going I guess.”

Yoongi seemed to think for a while, and you admired the look on his face as he did so, and even pinpointed the moment he had an idea. When he told you his plan, glee filled you to the brim. There was a new restaurant opening up not far away from where you lived that you had wanted to try since it was announced, but you had never had the chance to go. You smiled and nodded at his suggestion and he told you to start getting ready because of how long it took you to get ready.

Running to your bedroom, you pulled out your nicest dress and started to get changed. This dress, in particular, was one you had never worn before. It was floor length with material flowing from the bottom of your ribcage to the floor. The arms were completely lace and finished three-quarters of the way down your arms. You spent another on your makeup and hair, making sure everything was perfect and not overdoing it. It all had to be the way you wanted it to for this date.

Unlike most girls in the movies though, having a great reveal when they step out of the bedroom shimmering and radiating elegance and beauty, you were rushing around the house trying to find what you needed, meaning Yoongi didn’t only see the finished product, but probably every other stage in between. He watched with a love sick grin plastered on his face and thought about how much he wished to see you like this every single day. In fact, you were in such a rush that you didn’t notice him slip out of the door and return nearly 20 minutes later.

You had just about finished and now looked like how you had wished for him to see you when you stepped out of the bedroom door and whispered, “Where are those damn shoes?” to yourself. Yoongi chuckled lightly and stood up from his place on the couch with white roses and a pair of silver heels that were almost too much of a perfect match to the rest of your attire.

“How about these?” He asked with a stupid smile.

“How did… When?” You asked with your jaw on the floor.

“While you were doing your hair.” He laughed and walked over to you. With a wide grin on your face, you graciously took the flowers from his outstretched hands and started to lift your foot, expecting for him to put the shoes on you like a prince and princess, but instead, he took your waist, bent down, and threw you over his shoulder. “You can put them on in the car, we’re going to be late.”

Giggling, you let him carry you barefooted to the car and did as he said when you were placed into the passenger seat.

The drive to the restaurant was quiet and peaceful. Yoongi focused on driving while you daydreamed out of the window about the future. Although there were several thousand reasons it wouldn’t happen, you wanted to be this way with Yoongi until you died.

No time at all passed before you pulled up outside the restaurant, entered, and were seated in the middle of the whole place. Thanks to the prior arrangements and the high security, there were no cameras and no one that seemed to be interested in either you or Yoongi. A feeling of hope flushed through you after looking around, and you had the feeling this was going to be one of the best dates of your life.

“Can we get you some drinks?” A young looking woman approached your table with a little notebook and asked the two of you.

Yoongi turned to you and informed you that he wasn’t going to have a drink so he could drive the two of you, but that you were more than welcome to have whatever you wished. And so, after ordering one non-alcoholic drink and another red wine, the woman left the two of you alone.

Smalltalk started quickly and you informed Yoongi of most of what had happened while you were with the other group, but left out everything about Jae-Hwa and his nightmares. You told him who fell asleep first, who drank the most, who ate the most, who wouldn’t stop interrupting the movie with unwanted commentary, everything besides how Jae-Hwa did anything to go unnoticed but ended up sticking out the most. In the middle of telling your drunken Minhyeon story, your drinks came and you ordered your food. The waitress could not have come in better time for you were just getting up to the part where he started to pick a fight with Jae.

“How are the rest of the boys coping with the busy schedules?” You asked, taking a sip of your wine.

“They’re all exhausted. Jimin isn’t really eating enough, but we’re pushing him to every chance we get so he’s okay. We all just want it to be perfect you know?” He continued to talk about the other BTS members. Adding detail to how they all struggle with promotions and the build up in their own ways. About the dance line putting in all of the extra hours, vocal line refusing to talk for a whole day at times to preserve their voices, rap line staying up late at night doing certain exercises to warm up their mouths, and everyone staying away from anything that is potentially dangerous.

You listened with many mixed emotions running through you. You were glad they took so much pride in their work but also wished they didn’t overwork themselves as you knew they did. You often voiced this opinion, as did the fans, but they also told you that they would make no money if they didn’t go to the extremes that they did, so you had no choice but to accept what they were doing and just tell them to keep an eye on their health.

It was half way through your meal that Yoongi stopped speaking so freely and started to hesitate before every word. You tried not to notice at first until he stopped eating, clasped his hands together on top of the table and looked at you. “Babe,” he started, and you too knew that it was best you stopped eating for a moment too.

“What’s up?” You asked, forcing a casual tone into your voice.

“Actually, I have something to confess.” He lowered his eyes and you could tell he was trying to find a nice way to put what he was about to tell you. You also knew it wasn’t going to be an easy thing to hear which made your heart drop to your toes.

“Just say it, Yoongi.” You whispered, taking his hands into yours across the table and smiling uncertainly.

“Promotions are going to last 2-3 months.” He spoke sharply.

The whole restaurant went cold. The food turned to dirt. Your dress turned to rags. A giant wall of bars dropped between you and Yoongi. Everything turned to nothing.

“Oh.” Was the only syllable you could choke out before you started to pick at the dirt on your plate and refused to look at the man sat in front of you. If you did look, you knew the acidic tears burning your eyes would fall down to burn your cheeks too.

“Are you okay?” Yoongi asked, and instead of the melodic, comforting voice you usually heard from his mouth, you heard the sound of fire and sandpaper.

“Fine.” You answered, speeding up your eating, knowing you had to escape as fast as you could.

“It’s not that long, baby.” He started, shocked at how you reacted and wanting to patch up the hole in your heart as quickly as possible, “I’ll text you every day if I can, and we’ll see each other when I get back I promise. We’ll have ages together when I return. We can move in together, go public if we want to. Anything.” After your silence followed and he noticed the shaking of your body, he stopped talking. “What’s wrong?”

“None of that can happen, Yoongi.” You whispered.

“Why not? We both knew I would be away for a while. They only extended it by two months because of the international attention we’ve been getting. We don’t have to break up because of promotions. You and Jae-Hwa did fine so so can we!” He started to beg and you continued to look at the plate of food in front of you.

“I’m leaving in less than two months.” You stated.

“What?” He stopped talking and looked straight at you. His heart stopped beating for a moment while your words repeated in his head.

The truth had to come out eventually, you had just tried to delay it for as long as possible. Your time in Korea had almost come to an end meaning it was almost time for you to go back to your studies in England. It had been the best year of your life in Korea, so much so that you had almost forgotten that you were only here for a year as part of your Oxford course studies. This had become your life so all of your life in England had erased itself from your memory. In the beginning, you had made it known why you were here, but over time everyone you knew had forgotten that you were a foreigner here for a university programme. Telling Minhyeon and Jae-Hwa had a big enough effect. Jae-Hwa had begged you to stay through millions of falling tears and it later came to your attention that this very news had caused nightmares and bad thoughts to haunt him wherever he went. Minhyeon got very mad and started yelling at you. He even told you that you should never have befriended them if you knew you would just leave in the end. No matter how much you tried to explain their emotions just heightened and in the end, they decided that to make the most of your remaining time together they would keep everything on good terms.

Now was the moment of truth for how Yoongi would take it.

“My year's programme is nearly over Yoongi. I go back to university in England in two months.” You explained, trying to keep your voice neutral and the tears at bay.

“Okay.” He whispered and this time it was his turn to pick at his food.

Silence fell over the table. There was nothing to say. Nothing could change or fix the situation, so the only thing left to do was accept it.

“Let's just get the bill. It’s too stuffy in here.” He snapped. All you could do was nod and try to keep your heart beating. His reaction was already clear to you;

He had switched off his emotions.

-----

Three days had passed since you told Yoongi of your news. This also meant three days since you had heard from him. The hundreds of texts had been left unread and the only things you had heard about him were from Jungkook.

“Hyung’s locked himself away in his studio. He hasn’t spoken to any of us since he came back from your house last night. What happened? Did you break up?”

You didn’t explain to him what had happened between you and Yoongi and instead left the conversation by telling him to let you know when he came out.

You text Minhyeon the day you told Yoongi and he had agreed to have a drink with you the following day. He had told you to give Yoongi some space to let the information sink in. But you didn’t have the time for space. He would be starting promotions in four days now. This would be your last chance at anything.

That same day when you went back with Minhyeon, you decided to tell the rest of the boys of BiT. You stood at the front with all eyes on you and with Minhyeon’s hand on your shoulder, you just said the words with confidence. All members took the news exactly how you would expect they would. Chee and Yujin cried while Daegi nodded and hugged you.

That night you spent it at the BiT dorm.

But you’ve been alone since.

----

Five days passed since you had told Yoongi, and yesterday Jin and Namjoon visited asking about what had happened between you and Yoongi. You were broken at this point, so you just told them. You told them that you were leaving. You told them that you didn’t want anything to turn out like this. You told them that you wanted to live a normal life. You lied that you wanted to be alone. You lied that you wished you had never met any of them. But they didn’t believe any of it for a second.

They went with you while you told everyone else in BTS. The other members cried and held you and you spent the night in their dorm.

You left this morning without seeing Yoongi.

-----

Today was the day before promotions started. BTS was now fully prepared and ready to go. You had decided to sit in the dark until their comeback officially started. You decided you were now going to be nothing more than a supportive fan to BTS. It had to happen eventually anyway.

When the clock hit 8 pm you heard a knock on your door. You emerged from your dark bedroom where you had spent most of your time and groggily made your way to the door. Unlocking it slowly and then pulling it open took more effort than you wanted to put into it. But as soon as the door opened you were greeted with a frantic Yoongi.

“I love you.” He yelled, huffing and rushing every syllable into one. He pulled you by your shoulders towards him and pressed his lips to yours. Forcing himself closer and closer and closer still, he kissed you hungrily, hyper aware of the ticking clock.

He started to walk forwards, forcing you backwards and kicked the door shut with his foot. His hands gripped your hips and yours held onto his arms to keep steady from every force acting on you at once.

“Do you have to leave?” He asked when he pulled back for air.

“Yes. The 29th. The dates set.” You breathed.

“Then let’s make the most of our last night.” He sighed and attacked your lips again.

He was gone when you woke up the next morning and only one piece of paper remained.

------

The two months passed quicker than you thought. You kept yourself low the whole time. Exchanging a few texts a day with any of your friends. The first of the two months was spent keeping an eye on everyone and their promotions and the second was spent packing, contacting the university and preparing to leave. Preparing for today.

There were seven men in your house currently, none of them were any of the men you wished to have beside you on this day. They were carrying boxes from your house to the moving van outside and only talking to you when they absolutely had to.

Your phone stayed in your hand the whole day while you waited for any texts wishing you a goodbye. BiT were touring Japan now so they had said their goodbyes already while BTS had to do it over skype the night before. You missed them all too much. So much so you wanted to stay in Korea forever, but you knew you couldn’t. The whole year felt like a dream that was coming to an end. You never wanted to wake up, but like every dream, it has to be interrupted by reality.

Everything was soon packed into the van leaving you alone in what used to be your house but will soon belong to everyone else. People will be making new memories where all of yours were made, and you wished them the best. A drama free life unlike what yours was.

Wiping one more tear, you gripped your suitcase handle and walked out of the front door without looking back.

-----

Two hours after leaving your house, you pulled up at the airport. It was only when the taxi left and it was just you, your suitcase and an awaiting aeroplane to England that you realised this really was the end. Your life in Korea was over and it was now time to go back to being a normal university student, a life that you no longer wanted but had to live.

Gripping the handles tighter, you took a deep breath and started to walk. You checked in your bags quickly and started to walk towards security. Before you crossed the border where no non-passengers could cross, you looked back towards the entrance, half hoping for everyone to show up and drag you back, but upon seeing no familiar faces, you continued past security and successfully made it to the other side.

You sat waiting for your plane while looking at your phone and scrolling through all of the fansites for BTS and BiT. You had been watching all of their stages and shows and keeping up to date with everything they have been doing. They all looked happy and healthy. Since day one you have always said nothing compares to when they are up on stage, and you believe this until the last day.

While scrolling, you see a fan cam of Yoongi titled “mixtape?” and for some reason, you feel like it’s one you have to watch. You click play and see that it’s Yoongi standing alone on stage. He lifts the mic to his mouth and starts rapping a song you’ve never heard before and by the sounds of it neither had any of the fans. You listened to every lyric carefully and it seemed to hit something deep inside of you. It was only when the last line was spoken that you realised what it meant.

Your flight was called as soon as the video ended and so you made your way to the gate and quickly boarded the plane while fiddling with the piece of paper in your pocket.

“I’ll see you again - 170829”

The End

#Idols Chapter #idols #Imagines-bangtan #bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts fluff #bts angst #bts smut #bts imagine #bts scenario #yoongi #yoongi fanfic #yoongi fanfiction #yoongi fluff #yoongi angst #yoongi smut #yoongi imagine #yoongi scenario #suga #suga fanfic #suga fanfiction #suga fluff #suga angst #suga smut #suga imagine #suga scenario #jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fanfiction

[mollymacindoephotography]

“We’re Māori - we wing it!”

A story about choosing the ‘exit for opportunity’, being chucked into a ceremonial deep-end, witnessing a history-making meeting with only a napkin and eyeliner for note-taking and a few surreptitious snaps on a crappy phone camera.

(NB: worth checking out the prequel: ‘How I met Nanny Mary’ blog – just scroll down the blog list or click here)

In brief though, earlier this year, at the beginning of a two-month tiki-tour through Aotearoa (New Zealand) I’d had a very memorable Poukai experience at the Tūrangawaewae Marae, where ‘Nanny Mary’ had taken me under her wing. She’s a real wahine toa (warrior woman) with a wonderfully kind nature and infectious bubbly personality (reflected in her rainbow coloured hair), who also happens to be the Treasurer of Tamaki Makaurau – one of seven Electorates for the Maori Party that roughly covers greater Auckland).

Since first meeting we kept checking in on Facebook, hoping our paths would cross at one of the various events around the North Island that Mary was partaking in, so far to no avail. Mary’s from Auckland, so I let her know well in advance when it came time to return there.  Not until a week later during the actual drive to Auckland from Hamilton, did a message pop up on my phone from Mary. An hour later, stuck at roadworks, was the time to peek:

“Hey gal if you not doing anything at 5pm and in the vicinity of Manurewa Marae... Nau mai haere mai. Nga Tumanako winners of Te Matatini 2019 are bringing The Mauri to Manurewa 6pm sharp Powhiri.

…but only managed to make sense of the words, “vicinty of” , “Manurewa”,  “5pm” …and something about a ceremony.  Auckland is a huge, sprawling city and I’d no clue where that area was, but being 4:30pm and en route to an appointment followed by dinner with a cousin I hadn’t seen in 20 years; I thought, never mind, hopefully I’ll catch up with Mary over the next few days. Fate intervened, however; literally a minute later, I see an exit sign for ‘Manurewa’ – instinct took the wheel and oopsy, I was off on an unknown adventure! 

First stop, the nearest fuel station to send regrets to all previous engagements and for a quick google-search – to try and get the lo-down of what I was walking into. Remembering the mortifying, multi-coloured-clashing-outfit disaster at the Poukai, it seemed sensible to be on the safe side and change from pink shorts and bright blue vest to any black clothing I could dig out of my suitcases. Admittedly, it ended up a black and slightly gold outfit but was the best I could muster up and was definitely a good move! 

Arrive at the marae, find and hug Mary, and soon get ushered inside the beautiful, ornately-carved and painted meeting house.  Mary shepherded me into a one of the rows of a mixed gender and multigenerational crowd, which I assumed was there to watch a parade come through.....

.....Wrong. ‘We’ were there to perform the Tōia mai haka Pōwhiri Dance!!! ‘Tōia mai Te Waka’ means ‘pull up, the canoe’ and is part of an ancient canoe-hauling chant, now often performed as a 'haka pöwhiri' to symbolically pull the 'canoe' of the visitors safely onto the marae. Pōwhiri is a Māori welcoming ceremony involving speeches, dancing, singing and finally the hongi. (The traditional Māori greeting pressing noses together), followed by kai – a feast held inside the marae.  

Panicking as the dancing and singing started, I grabbed Mary: “Are you sure it’s okay for me to be doing this?!” She retorted “We’re Maori, we wing it!”, giggled and left me to do exactly that –  copying the moves as best I could during the few practice runs before the ceremonial entourage arrived and we performed for real – recorded on camera!!

I haven’t been able to find that recording but to get an idea of the event and excitement surrounding it, here’s a video of the same ceremony happening at Ōrākei Marae. Picture me, plopped in the middle of proficient dancers, trying to style it out!! 

To put this event into context:

Te Matatini is a nation-wide Māori performing arts festival of huge significance, comparable to something like the Edinburgh Fringe Festival attracting 60,000 people to an extravaganza of Māori culture, including art, crafts, food, fashion, film and most importantly, it hosts a competition for kapa haka performers from all of Aotearoa.  Kapa haka is an art form that showcases Māori and Polynesian identity through song and dance. This year, ‘Ngā Tūmanako’, a rōpū (team) from Tāmaki (Auckland) beat extremely stiff competition and took home the top prize and title of ‘Toa Whakahuwaka’.  As well as a trophy, the winning team brings home the ‘Mauri of Te Matatini’. Mauri are sacred stones believed to maintain life force, and this one is in particular represents the hosting rights for the next national kapa haka competition.  When the 2019 winners first arrived back home in February, the idea of sharing the mauri amongst the marae of Tāmaki (Auckland) was put forward and agreed upon…skip ahead to my incredible good fortune to witness its arrival at Manurewa!

Moreover, as luck would have it, this ceremony coincided with Manurewa Marae hosting a meeting of ‘Te Kōtahi a Tāmaki’, a collective representing 33 marae in Auckland (more on this later)....Back to the main event:

The Pōwhiri was followed by approximately two hours of speech-giving (all in Te Reo Maori) – then the hongi, then some yummy belly-filling of Māori dishes, where I also had the honour, through Mary, of meeting some of the community’s most respected members.  Pictured - Sitting down over kai with Martin Cooper and Shane White.

The biggest honour of all was being invited to the post-kai meeting  (once again appreciating the totally random but perfect timing of coming here).  The hundreds-strong crowd had thinned to about 25 people; seeing how intimate and important it looked, I whispered goodbye to Mary, grabbing my coat, only to get pulled back: “no no, stay, I’ve already checked and you are welcome”.  It took a split second to weigh up being even later to meet my cousin or missing a unique opportunity (sorry again Charley!)

To my delight, the hui was held English, allowing me insight into the inner workings of the marae collective.  During both my marae experiences on this trip, the hours of speeches were all performed by men, punctuated by beautiful singing from the women.  From my newcomer’s perspective, the men seemed to dominate the proceedings of the events.   Now the tables were turned.  The chairperson for this gathering of representatives from 33 of Auckland’s maraes to discuss the key current and future issues for the very recently-formed collective -- was Tania Kingi, a confident, intelligent woman and no-nonsense spokesperson who clearly and easily commanded attention from everyone there; all the same men who had previously captivated the crowd with powerful speeches, now hung on Tania’s every word.   .   It was inspiring to witness this balance and mutual respect. Half way through the meeting, a slighty scruffy-looking man came into the hui and insisted on speaking to the room to tell of his situation living on the streets, that he’d been drinking, but wanted to tell us a brief history of his whakapapa (lineage), the names of his family and ancestors, and also the main reason he’d come in: for warmth and food, “Thank you for the feed, thank you for the coffee, thank you for the company, I respect this marae even though I don’t go to church on Sunday.”

The rest of the agenda was covered – anything from wheelchair accessibility for all maraes, to arranging solar energy workshops. The overall idea was to collaborate as a collective.  Share successes, failures, recommendations, and knowledge - to work together for progress and independence from government monetary ties.

Spokesperson Tania Kingi said that this mauri stone coming to the different maraes in Auckland signals that we should be working collectively. “One of the driving principles for us all is that the mauri can unify.  The mauri is bringing us together and connecting us to all the other marae throughout Auckland and preparing us for Te Matatini 2021.” Tania Kingi

 What did I learn from this apart from that I desperately need a better camera phone? Clearly, a lot more about Māori culture, but also reaffirming what I’d discovered since arriving in Aotearoa -  found it to be a friendly country and people in general, but in particular made to feel very welcome in Māori communities and not judged despite obviously being the odd one out.

I want to specially thank Mary Karena-komene, Tania Kingi, Rangi McLean, Shane White, Martin Cooper, Mereana Hona and everyone that I met for being so welcoming and allowing me such a memorable and informative experience.

Disclaimer: I’ve done my best with Maori references, but please excuse this pākehā for any mistakes or offense.  My education has only just started and I hope it will continue, as I do the new friendships in Aotearoa.   Ps. Please correct me if you see something.  It’s the only way to learn. Aroha nui, ka kite ano Aotearoa <3

#wanderlusting #passportready #traveldiary2019 #aotearoatour #bottomoftheworldblog #manurewamarae #Te Kōtahi a Tāmki #TeKotahiaTamaki #hakapowhiri #mauritematatini #mauristone #tematatini #travelblogger #travelblog2019 #tikitour #maoriculture

[buckygirl-fanfiction]

Sparks Chapter 17

Pairing: Bucky(POV) X Reader(POV) ft. other characters from the avengers team

Word Count: 5.1K

Summary: So I totally got this from New Girl 2x15 when they played True American, the drinking game. Drunk Steve and Bucky being cute. Sam, Wanda, Nat, Cho, & Everyone locking y/n and Bucky in her bedroom until they kiss. Spoiler they finally kiss.

A/N: This is a story about two people building a great friendshipand then slowly falling in love. y/n is a strong, independent, and smart scientist. She meets Bucky when she wakes him up from cryo sleep and they become friends. This is going to have all the angst / best friends falling in love / fluff / drama / & eventual smut ;) that I can possibly fit in it. This fic is going to be looong! So far my document is like 50,000 words. So editing is hard If you catch any grammatical or formatting errors let me know.

Januaray 22, 2016

 Bucky’s POV

 I’m having lunch with Bahni again this week. She’s actually a pretty interesting girl. Funny, what the mind can overlook when it’s split. Fortunate for me she’s somewhat of a history buff and i’ve got plenty to share on that front. I walk through the halls towards the elevator, i’m supposed to meet her at the Founding Fathers in 10 minutes. It’s almost 4 o’clock and we are grabbing a late lunch since both of us had to be in meetings and briefings all day. On my way down I fix my hair looking at my reflection in the shiny elevator doors. I slick it back behind my ears and wonder whether I should get a haircut.

 I spot her sitting by the bar when I walk in and once she sees me she gets up to greet me with a hug.

 “Bucky,” she says with a warm smile on her face that mirrors mines.

 “Bahni, how was your day?” I ask politely kicking off the small talk. Sometimes I wish I could skip all the awkward initial steps of getting to know someone and get to the comfortable part where you can be open and free.

 y/n’s POV

 “Bye sweetheart, mommy is going to miss you.”

 “Bye bye mommy,” Ben says in an adorable little voice to his mother. Then he turns to me and says, “Bye y/n.” With a small wave he hops into the back seat of the car and Olivia leans in buckling him in and shuts the door.

 “Bye Mark,” I say to the man sitting inside the car in the driver’s seat.

 “Honey, don’t forget Evie’s bath and …” I watch Olivia discuss the domestics with her husband while I patiently wait on the curb for her. She’s such a soccer mom I think, then chide myself for the though. Just because housewife doesn’t appeal to you, doesn’t mean it’s a bad life choice. I smile at Ben through the window and watch the car pull away into the traffic.

 “Boy he’s in for some major traffic,” I say to Olivia, “leaving the city on a Friday evening, rush hour is going to be insane.”

 “I know,” says Olivia sighing. “I hope Evie sleeps through the trip.”

 “Well!” I say walking over to Olivia and taking her by the arm, “you don’t have to worry about that this weekend because you’re baby free!”

 We walk with our elbows intertwined down the crowded street towards the Founding Fathers, “Where are we meeting Cho?” She asks from besides me.

 “At this bar near work,” I say. “I think she’s bringing Steve.”

 “Oh, dreamy Captain America is coming?!” she says swatting me on my shoulder. “Score! Now all we need is that hot hunk of yours and the night is complete.”

 “Bucky? Oh. I don’t think he is coming. He might have plans i’m not sure,” I say. I haven’t seen much of Bucky this week especially since I cancelled our morning sparring sessions. The sleep deprivation was really starting to get to me and he suggested I just sleep in.

 “What a shame,” Olivia says as we turn the corner. I spot Cho and Steve walking our way and prepare myself for their loud reunion.

 On cue Cho lets out a high pitched scream when she sees Olivia by my side, “You’re actually here! It’s been too long!” Steve and I stand by exchanging glances as we watch their overdramatically loud reunion.

 “So what do you have planned?” Olivia asks Cho, “dinner and a movie?”

 “No! You’re in the city now and it’s Friday night and we are going to have some fun!” Cho says. “It’s time for some True American.” I internally groan when the words come out of her mouth. True American was a really weird drinking game we used to play back when we were all in college together. As I remember, the game always ended in a mind blowing hangover and someone cleaning up vomit in the morning. Actually, this might be interesting. “Okay so Steve and Sam are going to go pick up the 6 packs, we are going to go get the good stuff,” Cho says pointing at me and Olivia, “and meet back at y/n’s in half an hour?”

 “Sounds good,” Steve says and with a tip of his baseball cap he’s off.

 “Meet at y/n’s? Sam?” I say. “Who volunteered my place?”

 “I did since I didn’t want to volunteer mine and Wanda didn’t want to volunteer hers,” Cho says with a grin on her face.

 “Wanda?” I can already picture the mess that my apartment is going to be tomorrow. “How many people are coming?”

 “Oh, I sent out a group text,” Cho says shrugging her shoulders. “Come on you can’t get mad at me Olivia is back and I thought, since it took her 20 years to get here, we might as well show her a good time before she disappears again into the hoard of soccer moms.”

 “Hey,” Olivia says in protest.

 “Plus, True America with the Avengers. How amazing is this going to be!” Cho says.

 “Just saying, I’m not going to be cleaning up vomit again like last time.”

 We walk towards the Founding Fathers that’s just a couple doors down and I walk up to the bar while Cho and Olivia do some much needed catching up. “Hi I need a bottle of Jack Daniels and Smirnoff.”

 “We need gin and Jagermeister too,” Cho calls out to me.

 “Sounds like one hell of a party,” I hear a voice say from behind me. I turn around to find Bucky and Bahni sitting at a table a couple feet away from the bar.

 “Oh hey!” I say smiling at them, “Hey Bahni.” She smiles at me and returns the greeting.

 “Guess who's here!” I say pointing at Olivia.

 “Bucky,” she says with a smile on her face, “Ben keeps asking when you’re going to visit. Are you coming tonight?” She asks.

 “Yeah you guys should,” Cho says interjecting. “We’re playing True American at y/n’s.”

 “God, True American the drinking game?” Bahni says in reply, “I have some wild memories from that.”

 “Great! Then you’re coming,” Olivia says smiling at the woman seated next to Bucky.

 “y/n’s place in a hour alright!” Cho says as I walk over to pay the bartender and pick up the small crate of bottles.

 We walk back to my apartment and soon after Steve and Sam arrived with a half dozen six packs. I do my best to hide the fragile stuff in my room while clearing up some more space. Wanda and Nat get here a few minutes later and we begin setting up for the game. I drag my coffee table to the center of the room and place the bottle of Jack in the center. Then with Cho’s help we create four lines of beer cans going out in different directions from the bottle of Jack.

 “Okay so how does this work again?” Steve says standing next to Cho watching her set up. Wanda and Nat having already played with us once set up the chairs around the room.

 “So this is the castle,” says Cho pointing to the table. “The bottle of Jack is the King and the beers are pawns.”

 “Umm,” Steve says with confusion still on his face.

 I’m torn from observing their conversation when I hear another knock at my door. I look over and find Dean poking his head in through the doorway.

 “Dean!” I say walking towards him, “What are you doing here?”

 “Oh I invited him,” Cho shouts from the other side of the room then goes back to explaining True American to a very confused Captain America. I groan internally thinking about the growing amount of people here and the state my apartment is going to be in tomorrow.

 …

 “Alright guys the game is True American.” Cho says loudly as we all huddle around her. “This time with a sexy new twist, Clinton Rules!”

 “I still have no idea how to play,” Steve says.

 “Don’t worry buddy me either,” Bucky says holding the bottle of pure alcohol Bruce gave him for Christmas.

 “It’s easy pick your intern, strip every time someone gives you a rule, and drink!” I say from beside Cho.

 “Yeah also the floor is lava,” Bahni shoots in.

 “What the hell is this game?” Sam says.

 “It’s like fifty percent candy land and fifty percent drinking game,” Wanda chimes in.

 “One! Two! Three! Four! JFK,” Nat yells starting us off.

 “FDR!” the rest of us yell, well the ones that know what the hell we’re doing.

 I grab the nearest can of beer and start the game with a shotgun tip off while everyone around me chants, “Chug, chug, chug, chug!” After i’m done I jump onto the nearest chair and the game begins.

 The rest of the night passes by in a blur of screaming, jumping from chair to chair, chugging beer, and doing shots. Even Steve and Bucky, who are usually always sober, end up getting a little tipsy when Bucky breaks open his bottle. I’m down to my bra and a pink fluffy tutu I got from a old halloween costume. Sam’s shitless, Olivia’s wearing a makeshift scarf top, Wanda is on top of my coffee table holding my broom and Steve and Bucky are surprisingly animated.

 Steve trips when moving from my bar stool to a chair and ends up on the floor in a very uncoordinated awkward fall and we yell, “Lava.” He tries to defend himself from the empty cans of beer we pummel him with. Across the room I spot Bucky and Bahni with their arms around each other balancing themselves on my arm chair.

 Cho, whose considerably drunk at this point yells, “My name is Eli Whitney and I invented the cotton gin.” Then proceeds to chug gin straight from the bottle as the rest of the room chants, “Gin, gin, gin!” Boy she’s going to regret that in the morning. Surprisingly everyone around me seems to be so carefree and happy. Am I the only one who is still stressed right now? I keep sensing that eerie feeling of fear always lurking behind every corner.

 I push the feeling down hear Nat yell, “Iron Curtain!” She holds up the broom like a scepter, standing in her underwear.

 “What,” says a confused Sam, who is now stripped down to his grey boxers.

 “Two of us have to go behind the iron curtain and french!” I say.

 The room erupts in noise and we do the count. I put up two fingers against my forehead and wait for the others.

 “NOoo!!” I hear Cho, who's holding up a three, yell in surprise.

 “YEss!” I hear Nat and Olivia yell in unison.

 Bucky’s POV

 I haven’t been tipsy in a long time and the feeling is quite freeing. We’re jumping around the room on chairs yelling god knows what and laughing. I’m standing with my arms around Bhani and two fingers held against my forehead waiting to find out who the victims of the iron curtain will be. Then I look around and realize everybody is staring at y/n and me.

 y/n’s POV

 Me and Bucky are locked in my bedroom behind my door, the iron curtain, with a group of immature children chanting, “kiss, kiss, kiss,” on the other side.

 I can hear Bahni yell, “french it!”

 “We want a picture!” Yells Nat.

 “I wanna see tongue,” Olivia yells.

 Bucky is leaning against the door, his back to me, banging on the wood trying to get the children on the other side to open it.

 “Yeah!!” I hear sam yell from the other side and I swear I heard Dean join in on the chanting.

 “Come on stop being a baby, lets just kiss,” I say to Bucky who's still leaning with his forehead against the door.

 “No!” Bucky says resolutely still banging against the door, “let us out!”

 The chanting continues outside but has devolved into mostly laughter.

 “Come on french me and we can leave!” I say looking him in the eye when he turns around.

 “y/n i’m not gonna kiss you,” he says walking towards me.

 “Just kiss me!”

 “y/n stop!” He says this time with more force.

 “Come on Barnes, just kiss me!”

 “No!” He says, “Not like this!”

 Bucky’s POV

 I don’t know why that came out of my mouth, maybe I was more tipsy then I thought I was and the words just sort of slipped out. y/n’s face changes and she raises her eyebrows, “What? What does that mean?”

 The alcohol didn’t help with articulation and I stumbled and said, “No nothing… I didn’t mean it… like that you know… it’s just we can’t… like this… you know? We can’t just… like that… you know that’s not…” I stammered over my words awkwardly and for the first time I realize that y/n might be the more sober one of the two of us. She stands in front of me in her purple bra and a ridiculous looking pink tutu eyes wide open and before she can say anything I say, “If you’ll excuse me,” and walk towards the window.

 “Bucky,” she follows me, “What are you doing?” I open her window and climb out onto the fire escape and lean over out towards where the living room window is facing. It’s icy out and i’m in my t-shirt but the chill doesn't bother me. “Oh my god Bucky!” y/n yells sticking her head outside the window. I can see the goosebumps running down her chest. I lean over the railing and look through one of the large living room windows and see the group still standing outside y/n’s bedroom door chanting kiss. Ironically Bahni and Dean seem to be just as invested as everyone else, they also seem just as equally drunk. With my metal arm I pull open the window in one smooth motion and swing myself over the railing and into y/n’s living room.

 y/n’s POV

 I hear a loud commotion outside and the bedroom door soon swings open for me and I stare wide eyed at Bucky who is standing in front of me. The rest of the room erupts in laughter after a moment of silence everyone goes back to playing the game. I’m left standing wide eyed staring at Bucky.

 “I can’t believe he climbed out of a building instead of kissing you!” Dean yelled from across the room standing on my coffee table and everyone booed. The event was soon forgotten and I shrugged it off shaking off any residual feelings I may have had about the incident and rather opted to chug some more beer. After the entire ordeal and crowning Steve the honorary True American most of us either left or passed out wherever we could find space. Dean took a cab home since he had a breakfast meeting tomorrow, he left me with a gentle kiss on the lips. I saw Bahni and Bucky walk out together as for the rest: Sam crashed on the floor beside the couch where Olivia slept. Wanda, Nat, and Cho took my bed and Steve awkwardly passed out horizontally on the bottom half of it, half on top of his girlfriend and half falling off the bed. That left me with only my arm chair to knock out on and I opted instead to clear up a couple cans and bottles before turning in. Sleep still seemed to elude me even in my state of intoxication. I picked up a couple cans and put them in a garbage bag and walked outside my apartment towards the trash room. I shoved the bag down the choot and walked back outside into the hall. I spotted Bucky standing outside my apartment leaning against the wall looking up at the ceiling.

 When he heard me walking towards him he looked over and said, “hey.”

 “Hey, I thought you left,” I said walking over to him and leaning on the wall opposite him.

 “I put Bahni in a cab.”

 “Why are you here?” I asked curiously.

 “I just wanted to come up and say goodnight before I left,” he says sighing and running his hand through his hair.

 “Goodnight Bucky.”

 “Goodnight y/n.”

 We stand there looking at each other for maybe a second too long and I push myself off of the wall and walk towards my door. Before I can step in I feel Bucky’s hand grab my arm and pull me towards him. I gasp at the sudden movement and feel his metal arm snake around my waist, effectively pulling me flush against him. I’m still in my bra and I can feel the cool zipper of his leather jacket press into my skin. His lips press onto mine and I freeze. I don’t know what’s happening.

 Bucky’s POV

Boy I’m going to regret this in the morning. But, as of now I am too drunk to care or have caution. I press my lips to hers and kiss her, feverishly, passionately. It only last a second or two and when I pull away she stares up at me with a doe eyed look that almost stops my heart. I can’t help myself and I learn back down again for a second time and press my lips onto hers and this time I swear I feel her kiss me back. But it’s just a second and I can’t be sure. I pull away and let her go and she takes a step back. I wish she would say something. Yet, at the same time before she has the chance I say, “I meant something like that.” If i’m going to kiss her, I’m damn sure going to do it right. I take a step back and walk towards the staircase, leaving her in the dark hallway alone.

 y/n’s POV

 I stumble towards my living room, closing the front door behind me, and fall down on my armchair. “What the fuck!!” I whisper into the dark room. Olivia stirs in her sleep on the sofa next to me and I put my hands over my mouth.

 “y/n?” I hear a hoarse voice coming out of my bedroom. I turn around to Wanda scratching her head and stumbling towards me, “what’s wrong?” she asks squinting her eyes and looking at me, “you look scared.”

 I push down whatever i’m feeling, plaster on a smile, and say, “just sleepy and you guys took my bed!”

 “Hold on,” Wanda says and stumbles to the kitchen, probably to get some water from the sound of her voice. Once she’s back she says, “come on.”

 We walk over towards the bedroom and she grabs one of my comforters and lays it on the floor at the foot of my bed. “Grab his hand,” she whispers pointing at Steve who is passed out hanging off the edge of the bottom of my bed. We each take a hand and pull, “why is he so heavy.”

 He rolls over with a thud and I whisper, “fuck.”

 “He’s still knocked out,” she whispers. Wanda climbs back into bed and shoves Nat over a little to make some space for me. Nat groans. I get into the crowded bed and lay there with my eyes wide open. If I was having problems sleeping before, now is just…

#bucky #Bucky Barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky x reader #bucky smut #bucky fluff #bucky x reader fluff #bucky x reader smut #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x reader fluff #bucky barnes x reader fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader smut #winter soldier fanfiction #Winter Soilder #sebs #Sebastian Stan

[quarttoe9-blog]

The Fan Within

Prior to Monday night, I can’t recall the last time I was truly nervous or stressed watching a sporting event. I’ve covered championship games, and had the pleasure of calling a few, but when you’re calling the game you are working and focused on the task.

Being in the stands, engrossed in the game is much different, and to be honest, it is more fun. More stressful, but more enjoyable.

This past Sunday and Monday I was at the Art Hauser Centre in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, for games six and seven of the WHL Championship. The place was electric both nights, but the nervous anticipation and stress was double on Monday for game seven.

My nephew, Noah Gregor, plays for the Prince Albert Raiders. I’ve watched him play hockey since he was seven. I’ve watched him and his brother, and my sister’s three boys play hockey for the past 15 years. It was always fun to just sit back and enjoy the moments. From Initiation to Novice to Atom into Peewee then Bantam, Midget and junior for two of them. I never got caught up in the outcome of a game in Novice, or Bantam. It was simply about having fun.

The atmosphere in the old barn in Prince Albert was incredible even an hour before puck drop. When the doors opened, fans rushed in to claim their position in the standing-room-only area.

Fans chasing standing room spots before Game 7 between @WHLGiants and @PARaidershockey pic.twitter.com/SG2XaVSPrS

— Steve Ewen (@SteveEwen) May 14, 2019

I saw people carrying in milk crates, a few saw horses, and I even saw a guy with a six-foot ladder. Standing room was three rows deep, and if you are short you couldn’t see. These fans were veterans. They knew where they wanted to stand and came prepared.

The Raiders last won a WHL title in 1985. That was their only appearance in the WHL final until this season. That is a long run of frustration for a community-owned team. They still play in the same arena, but it has had a few upgrades over the past 34 years. Now there is a 400-person lounge on the second floor, and it was jammed an hour before the game and throughout. It remained open in the third period and into overtime. What a concept: let fans buy a beer before overtime.

I drove to Prince Albert on Sunday with my five-year-old son Beckett and my 13-year-old nephew, Owen. The plan was to watch the Raiders win game six, celebrate, and we’d drive home early Monday so I’d be back in time to host my radio show. The Vancouver Giants had other plans. They won game six. I decided to extend my stay at the hotel, extend my car rental and arrange for Jason Strudwick to fill in as host.

Struds won two WHL titles and two Memorial Cups with the Kamloops Blazers in 1994 and 1995. He was glad to fill in so I could stay for game seven.

We spent Monday playing at the skate park, watching videos and then playing at another park. I wasn’t nervous during the day, but when I walked into the rink the excitement started to build.

Fans were amped up. I immediately sensed a palpable level of nervousness. This was our second trip to PA during these playoffs, and my son liked to watch the Raiders warm up. He stood right by the glass in the Raiders’ end. Noah skated by one time, and pointed his stick at him. Beckett was thrilled.

We then made our way to our seats. My brother likes to be in the attacking zone (for two periods) and we had great seats in section 3. (There are 20 sections in the rink, numbered 1-20.)

FIRST PERIOD

When the Raiders emerged from the dressing room the cheering amplified. Everyone belted out the National anthem. “Go Raiders Go” echoed through the building for the first three minutes of play. My sister-in-law bought Beckett a horn when we came in round three v. the Oil Kings. He loved his mini-pirate horn, and thankfully the fans around us didn’t mind him blowing it for ten minutes straight to start the game.

Both teams were tentative in the first period. Each had nine shots, but no dangerous scoring chances and it was 0-0 after 20 minutes. Many of the kids played mini-sticks at various locations of the rink during intermission. WHL playoffs are great, but for young kids mini-sticks are equally important.

Watching those kids slide all over the floor brought a big smile to my face. “Dad, I forgot my mini-stick,” said my son dejectedly.

2ND PERIOD

The crowd took their cheering to a new level. When Ian Scott made a save chants of “Scottie, Scottie,” echoed through the building. With each passing second the anxiety heightened. Every shot had you on the edge of your seat.

Milos Roman! The @NHLFlames prospect opens the scoring for @WHLGiants in Game 7 of the 2019 @Rogers #WHLChampionship Series! pic.twitter.com/fBrgpcFkjx

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

Milos Roman opened the scoring 4:45 into the second period finishing off a great pass from Bowen Byram. Byram is a marvel to watch. He is so damn good. He is the best WHL defender I’ve seen since Scott Niedermayer. He skates like Niedermayer, holds onto the puck like Sergei Zubov in the offensive zone, and has the aggressive side of Drew Doughty. He is still 17. He turns 18 on June 13th. There is a lot of hype around Jack Hughes and Kaapo Kakko, and rightfully so, but Byram should receive the same hype. In the future I won’t be surprised at all if people look at him as the best player in the draft. He will be a legit #1 defender and he will play 25+ minutes/night. He has so much confidence and moxie to his game and he is only 17. Unreal.

At the ensuing faceoff Raiders fans chanted “Let’s go Raiders.” Trying everything to urge their team on. Beckett blew his horn in unison with the words.

The pace picked up and the teams exchanged chances, and ten minutes later the place erupted.

Noah Gregor evens this game up with a beauty! The @SanJoseSharks prospect gets the @PARaidersHockey on the board! #WHLChampionship pic.twitter.com/59VoAcuym2

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

I haven’t jumped out of my seat in a long time, but I did here. The AHC went nuts. My brother and I high-fived. His face was a complete joy. Beckett was yelling and screaming. I think what he loved best about being at these games was he could yell and scream, blow his horn endlessly and never get in trouble.

The period ended tied at one. I needed the intermission to relax. Beckett wanted to go sit in the red car in the lobby. And have fries and ketchup. He was calm. My brother went and had a beer. I should have had one. I needed it.

3RD PERIOD

Everyone was back in their seats with four minutes left in intermission. No one wanted to miss a moment. The stress was building. Twenty minutes, or maybe more, to decide the WHL champion. Players work all year for this, and now the dreams come down to 20 minutes. I’m still hating my decision not to have a beer.

Period starts and once again the crowd ratchets up their cheering. Louder and longer. The announcer encourages them to keep cheering, but they didn’t need it. Many had been waiting 34 years, and they weren’t going away quietly.

Their loyalty got rewarded 4:25 into the third period.

Noah Gregor gets his second goal of the night! The @PARaidersHockey lead 2-1 in the third period!#WHLChampionship pic.twitter.com/WCLYqkiA6r

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

Pandemonium again. My brother almost broke my hand when he high-fived me. Fans remained standing for two minutes. After we sat down Beckett looked at me, “Dad, who scored that goal?” He was cheering like a wild kid, but didn’t know who scored. He didn’t care. When I told him Noah scored he smiled, then quickly went back to blowing his horn.

Two and a half minutes later the Raiders take a penalty. “That’s a %$&#ing weak call,” I muttered to myself. I was a true fan again, questioning the officials. After the initial reaction, I tried to rationalize and think, yeah it probably was a trip. But I didn’t like it.

Bowen came on and this kid can cause a heart attack for opposing fans. He is so poised with the puck. The Giants didn’t score with him on the ice, but with 19 seconds remaining they tied the game. Roman again.

For those keeping score: Milos Roman 2 Noah Gregor 2. #WHLChampionship pic.twitter.com/qzGbyffMSP

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

For the first time all night the rink is quiet, except for the Giants fans and parents.

There was 11:30 to play and the game is tied at two. My stomach was in knots. I took a few deep breaths. Beckett sat down for one of the few times in the game. It was like a punch to the gut, but the fans recovered and at the ensuing faceoff they voiced their support with another “Let’s Go Raiders,” chant.

The teams exchanged chances, and the Raiders rugged defender Zack Hayes found himself all alone in the slot with less than two minutes remaining, but just missed the net. He was going far side. I thought he was going to win the game right there. How unreal would that have been, I thought. The defensive stalwart all season gets the winner. I love those kinds of stories.

The buzzer went. Overtime. Just writing this I can feel that anxiousness again. All fans have felt it. It is equally great, equally awful. You almost feel like you will throw up. Sports are so awesome. There are very few things in life that evoke emotion like this, and I could see the anguish and excitement on the face of every fan.

I decided not to have a beer. I didn’t have one the previous intermission and the Raiders scored first. I’m not even a superstitious guy, yet here I was telling myself my not-drinking a beer will somehow impact the game. It is preposterous to think this way, but I did. I laugh about it now.

OVERTIME

I was emotionally drained and the period hadn’t started. I hadn’t felt like this in such a long time. I loved it.

The period started and the crowd was urging on their Raiders. The cheers grew louder. Chants continued. The drama builds.

The teams exchanged chances, and at the 14:27 mark of the third period draft eligible forward Brett Leason took a penalty. The puck rolled up on edge just before he was about to shoot it out of the zone and it flew into the mesh. Delay of game Raiders.

The refs huddled to discuss if it went off a stick. It didn’t.

“Come on PK,” I say quietly. This is not the way a championship game should end. The next two minutes were excruciating. The Raiders managed to kill it off. I spoke to Leason on the ice after the game. “Longest two minutes of my life,” he said.

I leaned back in my seat. Took a deep breath and re-charged. I could’ve used a cigarette. I don’t smoke, but I hear they calm your nerves.

We entered into the final two minutes of OT and I planned to change my strategy and get a beer this intermission. Screw the superstition. I need a beer.

I never got that beer.

The celebration is on at the Art Hauser Centre! @hannoun19 wins the 2019 @Rogers #WHLChampionship Series for @PARaidersHockey in overtime! pic.twitter.com/JXqTrzMLZm

— The WHL (@TheWHL) May 14, 2019

Dante Hannoun scored the winner with 1:35 remaining in OT. Noah found him wide open in front. The Raiders bench piled onto the ice. The place exploded. I pick up Beckett so he can see as I jumped up and down with him on my arm/shoulder. He high-fived fans all around us. He was screaming. I was hollering. My brother was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Unreal.

The drought is over for Raiders fans. I can only imagine how Edmonton Oilers fans will react when their current 29-year drought ends. Or possibly St. Louis Blues or San Jose Sharks fans this season.

There was no knot in my stomach. I suddenly was not tired. Instantly all that nervousness was gone. I put Beckett down and we watched the ceremony. A few minutes later I looked over at him and he was crying. What’s wrong I ask? “I’m going to miss the Raiders. This was the best night ever.” I picked him up and consoled him. He is only five so his tears only last a few seconds, but it reminded me why I love sports. They create emotions. They make us feel, and when we feel we are alive.

I watched the boys mob each other. I saw some fans with tears of joy in their eyes. In a section over a gentleman in his 60s was sitting in his seat. Just taking it all in.

After we watched Noah skate around with the Cup we made our way down to the Raiders bench. I’m not great at capturing moments in pictures or on video, just ask my wife, but when we were on the bench I pulled out my phone and caught a video of Colin and Noah.

I saw so many players with their parents, or their billets, who are like second parents. Sharing success with those who helped you reach your goals makes it even better.

A few minutes later, I was standing by the bench, Beckett was running all over the ice. He thinks it is awesome he gets to go out there. Hulking defender for the Raiders Jeremy Masella skates over. I introduced myself and congratulated him. Masella is a classic, rugged, stay-at-home, third pairing defender. Selfless player. Due to an injury to Max Martin, Masella was promoted to the second pairing in this series. He played way more and he was excellent. I told him so, and he said thanks.

I’d never met him before and we spoke for a bit. I learned he is from Arizona. Chasing his dream in small town Saskatchewan. He couldn’t be in a better spot. His parents were in Vancouver for games 3-5, but weren’t here tonight. They hoped the Raiders would win so they could go to the Memorial Cup. Not every parent can be at these games. They have other kids, or jobs, and in that moment you realize the families that were there are really lucky.

The celebration continued on the ice. We took some photos and then I had to get Beckett to bed. It was 11:15. He usually is in bed at 7:30.

As we walked to the car he says to me, “Dad, I want to be a hockey player. Maybe one day I will win a trophy and score two goals.”

I hope he does, but mainly I hope he remembers the feeling of Monday night.

A very select few are good enough to play in the WHL, NCAA, USports or pro hockey, but we can all be fans.

And being a fan is awesome. I don’t get to be one very often, and that is okay, I love my job, but Monday was incredible.

Thank you to the Giants and Raiders for making the game so intense.

And to Noah, your performance made it a bit more special. Good luck at the Memorial Cup.

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Source: https://oilersnation.com/2019/05/15/the-fan-within/

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