#this shit is COMPLICATED and even a single person seeing themselves in this and feeling seen makes it worth the effort to write

[public-trans-it]

If you are trans, how do you have an alter that isn't? (I'm asking out of ignorance and genuine curiosity, not malice. I know you haven't had the best anons lately)

Thank you for the parenthetical on that one. I didn't read it that way at all, but I appreciate someone going out of their way to specify that it's just curiosity and not someone sealioning. I also just love parentheticals in general. Feel free to ask more, or DM me! I'm happy to go into more depth.

The answer is quite simple: I'm just gonna force femme him, duh. (Okay, no, not really)

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A warning upfront: This post is likely going to be written by multiple alters. Expect sudden shifts in tone, as well as shifts between first - and third-person perspectives. It's also gonna be a lot of rambling. I'm going to fucking hate it tbh. But I'm also more than happy to elaborate on specifics. The joys of having conflicting opinions on a single topic.

For context, this ask is in reply to this previous post I made about DID, how I feel names relate to it, and how i feel my experience differs from other peoples. In it, I mention that not all of my alters are trans.

It just feels... cringe. Like, I know that is probably certainly internalized ablism. But any time I discuss my own internal thought processes and the fact that there are just straight up other versions of me in there, I can't help but think I feel like one of those really awkwardly written teenagers in media who like... pretend to be possessed by demons and stuff. Part of it is also a little bit of fear.

That was... a bit of an oversimplification. It is rather difficult to go into detail, especially when the alter in question is the one who least likes talking about the experience of being plural.

While I don't talk about it with others, and will absolutely interrupt any attempts to map it out, I AM at least somewhat aware of how my system is shaped and who is in it. And that not everyone who used to be in it is still in there. There are versions of myself that are just... gone. And I know one of the things that results in that is too much internal reflection. So I just... don't.

Am I trans? I mean, Ceetee is, and I'm Ceetee, so probably. But I'm also the one who doesn't have that luxury. I'm the one who has to go to work. I'm the one who has to go by He/Him pronouns. I'm the one who answers when someone calls our deadname. And that is too important a part to risk losing to introspection, and the effect that has on us.

We are on HRT, the body we are in is going to change. We are looking forward to potentially going under the knife in the future. Lipofilly, vaginoplasty, etc. That's going to complicated things. I genuinely don't even know if I will still exist after that. I have plans on how to handle our social transition, that might make it smoother, but... again, I don't have the privilege of thinking on it too much.

Its... really difficult to write this out honestly. All of our discussion happens internally, thanks to us losing our amnesiac barrier a few years ago (thank God for that. Huge increase to our quality of life.) We would probably benefit from just making a discord server for just us, and using pluralkit or the like to talk with each other. But the idea of differentiating each other externally is HORRIFYING.

So instead, I'm the one handling our HRT. I have to, because he isn't willing to for the reasons mentioned above. And I can't even really discuss it well because he gets in the way a lot. Which I don't fault him for, it's his job, it's literally why he exists, and the several years I went with him not being involved socially were... extremely rough. I genuinely feel privileged to have him taking the brunt of all that for me. The nice thing about DID is it's actually a GREAT way to delegate tasks. If he represents the parts of us that don't have the privilege of changing, I can represent the parts of us that can.

But the truth is, all of us in here are undergoing an HRT we don't actually WANT. It gets us closer to a more comfortable body to live in, but it will never be possible to achieve a body ALL of us are happy with. We all have different gender goals, and as long as we are all stuck in the same body, there is no such thing as 'Gender affirmation'. That's why I use the label Aegogender. Looking it up, there is... not a lot of description of it. But for me, it has a very clear interaction with dissociative disorders.

I'm not genderless. Every single one of us in here has a gender. And they are not all the same. Which means our system cannot have a single gender. ANY transition will, by definition, go against the goals of others in the system. There is no way for all of us to be happy in this body, as long as we all have to share a single body. My "true" ideal body, would be an incorporeal hivemind piloting 3 or 4 bodies. Leaving us all connected to each other, but with our own individuality.

This is, obviously, NOT POSSIBLE. So HRT is the compromise.

Every single one of us is trans, even the one still going by He/Him and using our deadname. And so, just becoming something DIFFERENT is good enough for now. No solution has to be perfect forever. If we need to do something different in the future, we can just do something different in the future! We don't NEED to figure all of this out now.

I mentioned in the tags of my detransition post that I have a lot more complicated feelings about detransition. This is why. I fundamentally identify more with the concept of being a creature capable of change, than I do with any single gender.

Which means... once I transition, I'll almost certainly end up transitioning again. From what to what? I have NO IDEA. Will I end up detransitioning? Maybe. Will I end up pursuing some completely different presentation? Maybe. I dont know. I'm not that person yet.

I'm just gonna have to wait and see who manages to last that long, and what is best for all of us.

#this got EXTREMELY personal and intimate #which isnt to say dont read it #im happy to be an open book #this shit is COMPLICATED and even a single person seeing themselves in this and feeling seen makes it worth the effort to write #so... thank you for the chance to talk about this anon #i kinda thought i would keep it bottled up for a lot longer #and tbh i am still keeping some of the detrans gender feels bottled #but... ah well. what can ya do? #text essay #gender #plurality #detransition

[moonlightdancer26]

Honestly it bothers me so much that there are people who still think Severus’s dislike of Remus was unreasonable. He legitimately had every right to not like him—hate him even. A lot of people think that Remus didn’t deserve that simply because he “didn’t participate in the bullying,” and can I just say how insensitive that is? So many bystanders exist, so many people stand by and watch as their friends bully people or pretend it doesn’t exist, and to claim that the bully victim doesn’t have the “right” to hate said bystander is downright despicable. It can even be argued—in some cases at least—that being a bystander makes you just as bad as the bully themselves. People who haven’t experienced bullying have no idea what it’s like to see people not giving your suffering a second glance or not bothering to do anything about it; as though it wasn’t worth wasting time on. People have the power to stop or change it, but they choose not to. This especially applies to Remus since he was not only there, but was also in a position of power (a prefect) and still chose to neglect his duties.

And after all this, Remus continuously tries to attach little importance to what happened rather than owning up to what he and his friends did, even though he simultaneously wants to appear apologetic in front of Harry.

Do you guys really think that if Remus just… stopped trying to downplay everything, walked up to Severus, and said the words “I’m sorry for everything,” Severus would resent him as much as he did? Don’t you think that Remus never actually apologising may have had something to do with it? He might act sorry in front of Harry, but it’s easier to play the guilty card when the person you’re doing it to is inclined not to blame you instead of the person you’ve actually hurt. There’s no mention of Remus ever doing that.

Another thing most people seem to forget is that… Severus still brewed him the Wolfsbane potion??? He took the time out of his schedule to brew a very complicated potion for someone he didn’t even like, and he perfected it each time. Some people (Snape antis) may argue that Dumbledore “made him” do it [that’s a flawed argument since his and Dumbledore’s interactions in The Prince’s Tale imply otherwise, but that’s not my point], but he still did it? Should doctors be absolved of any praise for saving people’s lives because “it was their job,” “they had to do it,” or even “it was ‘just’ the right thing to do”?

And he was willing to be civil with Remus in PoA and never said a single direct insult to him during their small interactions (at least until the shrieking shack scene), and he clearly dislikes him less than Sirius, who he doesn’t hesitate to roast the shit out of even in a 5 minute long interaction.

And keep in mind that I’m purposefully leaving out the existence of the prank, which is the biggest factor in all of this. It just goes to show how valid Severus’s feelings are, even when putting aside the fact that werewolf!Remus nearly killed him because of Sirius’s sick idea of humour.

All in all, I think this entire rant can be summarised into one gif:

#janis said it better than i did #but oh well #also #active!moon is trying to make a comeback #i’m trying to run away from reality so ofc i’m coming back here #anti snaters #severus snape #pro snape #anti remus lupin #it hurt me to type out this tag #sorry y’all but i went soft on him #pro severus snape #snape #harry potter #hp

[chaotic-iguana]

bruh.

what. what the fuck.

writing started off as an exploration; a hobby that i was just trying out. something new, to pass the time. but i feel like it has now evolved into an extension of my art. over time, my stories starting having more and more elements of the poetry-inspired commentary i like to have in the forefront of my paintings, or very simply the imagery i used to include in my poems themselves.

but that isn’t even the best part.

i’ve been writing for around a month, and i absolutely adore literally every single mutual i have on here. @breakfastatjoels, @mandoisapunk, @josephquinnswhore, @bastardmandennis, @nostalxgic, @pedrosaidsheispunk, @theywhowriteandknowthings @millerscoffee

you’re all such inspirations im so glad to know u all thank u all for existing i gen would not have kept writing/still be on this site without yall and i promise im wrapping up i just think its a little fucked that im…gaining traction? how? and the crazy thing?? that list of ppl tagged up there are like just the ones i could remember off the top of my head!! there’s so many more! @imherefordeanandbones, was my first follower and the first on my taglist, and one of the first people to make me think my writing was actually not that bad for a beginner!!

anyways while i literally question everything and melt in gratitude, i hope you all have great days. thank you very much. let’s hope we see many more!!

enough sappy shit.

as a celebration, im gonna write fics, blurbs or hcs (saw/nsfw) based on the following prompts:

this is from @havenoffandoms 800 follower celebration! just send me your character pairing and prompt. list below the cut

“I’m in love with you. Please, don’t leave me.”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

“It’s really not that complicated.”

“You’re in love with them, aren’t you?”

“We could get arrested for this.”

“I thought you were dead.” 

“You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

“Love is overrated.”

“If you think I’m going to talk to you while you’re dressed like that, you’re wrong!”

“Do you ever actually use your cellphone?”

“You don’t need to protect me.”

“You fainted… right into my waiting arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

“You have to make a choice.”

“You have to remember.”

“You heard me. Take. It. Off.”

“You know, it’s okay to cry.”

“You lied to me!”

“You make me feel like I’m not good enough.”

“You need to wake up cause I can’t do this without you.”

“You’ll be the death of me.”

“The only thing hotter than seeing your orgasm is seeing your smile.”

“Where do you think you’re going dressed like that? Your body is for my eyes only.”

“From the minute I met them, there was no choice. They’re smart. They’re strong. They resent their parents enough to go for a person like me. Also they’re crazy hot.”

“What do you mean, I’m not scary? I literally nearly scared the life out of a man?” “You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him.”

“When someone your age dies, you instinctively want to hear it was of something that could never happen to you. Well, it’s the same with divorce.”

“I get to stay home and plan the death of Dora the Explorer. Fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into the Candy Cane River.”

“You don’t ‘take a run’ at a person. You woo them. You make them feel special.” “Hey honey, look at this. It’s a picture of my butt.”

“I don’t like you.” “I’ll get over it.”

“You’re one of the most beautiful person I know, and you don’t even know it.” “No, I know it.”

“Why do you always have to throw wet blankets on my dreams?” “I do not.” “Yes you do. And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams.”

“So you’re gonna throw me under the bus?” “Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard I might even win a stuffed animal.”

“Who wouldn’t be angry if you ate all the cereal and faked your death for three years?”

“Quick, catch the cat it stole my coin pouch!”

“I feel like I was just hit by a car… wait, I did? And it was YOUR car?”

“I can’t believe I’m sitting in a dungeon with you of all people.”

“So why do I have to punch that guy?”

“I may have accidentally sort of adopted five goats.”

“I hope you know that my name is actually _____”

“Please stop petting the prisoners.”

“Please put me down, it’s just a sprained ankle.”

“So what if I broke my arm, I’m still doing it.”

“Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2am?”

“I’m like 75% sure this won’t explode in our faces.”

“You know how my people are, we would destroy ourselves just for spite.”

“Wait, is that what you were trying to do? I’m sorry, I would’ve taken you much more seriously if I knew.”

“Let’s not blow the extortion charge out of proportion. My boss was just a sore loser.”

“Of all things, you would have thought that the rain was innocuous enough. Turns out, nothing is innocuous in this Gods forsaken place!”

“It’s illegal to make unauthorized species. But it’s also illegal to kill endangered species. Thankfully, I only did one of each.”

“The secret ingredient isn’t human flesh, that’s all I can say.”

“Where’s the king?” “He’s being chased by a wyvern. It’s an old tradition, you see.”

“If I serenade for you, will you strip for me?”

“This is new.”

“Make me.”

“Shh. Stop fussing. I’m just braiding your hair.”

“If you steal the blankets, I’m going to put my cold feet on you.”

“Don’t be stubborn. Try it.”

“You are very endearing when you are half-asleep.”

“I heard you talking in your sleep.”

“The thought of losing you scares me.”

“Don’t smile at me like that. You know it drives me crazy.”

thank you. love you all.

#follower celebration #400 followers #thank you #love you all literally so much

[bisexual-horror-fan]

Ugh it’s really late at night where I am and I can’t sleep and it just popped into my mind that I’m low-key terrified and excited to see what you’re gonna do with the third part of your Mickey-Randy fic. Is Mickey gonna go through with killing him? How will reader react if he does? Will she find out it’s Mickey? WILL MICKEY GET WHAT HE WANTS?

You best believe the moment you post it I’m locking myself in a dark ass room and telling my boyfriend to leave me tf alone for 3-5 business days

Well! I had the past two days off and I finished up this! For those who haven’t read part one or two of this trilogy I would recc that you do! Seriously, I never thought I would love doing this so much but I did! Massive shout out to @applesontheground for going over this and betaing pre-posting! Now then, I don’t wanna waste much time, I just wanna dive in and get deep! The long awaited conclusion of this trilogy is here! Let’s get deep in the paint!

—

Rating. Explicit. Length. 6.5K. Mickey Altieri And Randy Meeks X FEM! AFAB! Reader. She/Her Pronouns. Warnings: So Much Context Needed. Threesomes. Sloppy Seconds. Cuckholding. Semi-Public Sex. Blow Job. Throat Fucking. Gagging. Stalking. Murder Plot. Murder. Blood. Gore. Angst. Hurt. Comfort. Death. Grief. Vaginal Sex. Kissing. Confessions Of Feelings. Manipulation. 

—

You Need Me Like I Need You.

—

When did shit, namely, his life, get this fucking complicated? 

He used to think that sex was pretty straight forward, that he had a good handle on himself, his interests and personal sexuality, even before he brought anyone else into the equation but now all the lines are blurred and muddy. He never knew that it could all be so varied, which seems fucking stupid now. The human experience has untold and truly vast depth, of course sex, something that has existed as long as people themselves have existed, has a million different ways to explore, play with and partake in and Randy had been confronted with all that, thrown headfirst into it with almost no preparation. 

Randy has experienced impossibly high highs and some true lows, the emotional roller coaster of it all was a lot to handle but also, shamefully, addicting as hell. 

He didn’t know that there could be so much sexual enjoyment derived from such typically and previously negatively associated feeling, particularly, humiliation. He had experienced plenty of humiliation over the years and it always, well, fucking sucked but for some reason, when it cropped up again from that tape and subsequent threesomes with Mickey, it made his heart race in a different way, a much better, albeit, confusing way. 

When he first was confronted with that tape he was a mess, when you eventually pulled out what was wrong he was still a total mess, and during that first threesome, he was even more of one. Mickey was an almost intolerable asshole but he had to admit, the things he did to you, the view and picture you both provided him, undeniably hot, much better than any bargain basement dumpster porn tape he ever watched by far. He hated that every boundary he tried to lay down, like Mickey wearing a condom, was ignored. Even further, the disrespecting of said boundaries were usually encouraged by you, as you seemingly craved it too. The shared wants between you and Mickey took precedence over his comfort and boundaries, he certainly didn’t do much to dissuade you both when he let it keep happening, especially when the evidence of how hard it made him was clear as day.

And the rules Mickey did agree to? It turns out he was lying, placating Randy to gain consent and access to you to then do what he wanted in the end. The worst of the worst is that when Randy had you afterwards, totally messy and stuffed with cum, literally subjected to Mickey’s sloppy seconds. It felt so fucking good that he couldn’t bring himself to have a single negative thing to say, any complaints die on his tongue as he buries his face into your neck and himself inside you to the hilt. 

Mickey said he would pull out, Mickey was apparently a fucking liar and when Randy was on his back afterwards, sweat slick and panting, still dizzy and high off the hardest orgasm he had in recent memory, he wanted to fucking thank the guy for making him do this and see how good it was. He would never actually thank him, Mickey’s ego was already approaching the size of a supernova from this situation as it was, he is sure if he thanked him for cumming in you when he asked him not to? He cannot imagine how much worse he would become. It doesn’t matter that true the experience was fucking great, the ignoring of his consent was screwed up, thanking him further sends the wrong message. 

So Randy put up with Mickey’s comments and overall attitude, he says he puts up with, but really he enjoys it, mostly secretly, he downplays his enjoyment but that damn knowing smirk of Mickey’s makes him think he isn’t as good an actor as he wants to be. 

This has been going on for a month. 

A glorious, confusion littered, fuck centered, sweat soaked and embarrassment filled month. In the moment and with his dick in his hand it is easier to take, he gets swept up in how filthy it is, finds himself consumed with your new relationship dynamic constantly. In the quiet moments between doing other things his mind wanders to either your last hookup or what might potentially happen in the next one. 

The last one he keeps on thinking about is a rather risky semi-public hookup, it was late, rushed, in the stairwell leading up to Randy’s apartment. The sight is burned into his mind, Mickey leaning against the wall, his fingers in your hair as he leads you while you are on your knees, blowing him, right in front of Randy. It is all so striking, so clear, as if it is still happening right in front of Randy when he thinks of it, the low light, the way Mickey’s head tips back and rests against the concrete wall. A bead of sweat rolls down the column of his throat, along with the bob of his Adam's apple from a heavy swallow he took after a harsh inhale of air. He hears the quiet moan, the curse that spills out as he rocks his hips to force himself deeper into your mouth, you gag, Mickey laughs breathlessly with that half sideways smirk and then, he looks at him. Mickey’s head no longer rests and instead brown eyes meet blue and that smile grows into an outright sadistic grin as he drives forward harder, more purposefully and the moan you let around the shaft invading your mouth makes Randy ache in his jeans.

Someone speaks to him, asks him a question and it pulls him out of his head, Christ, he wasn’t listening and he is far too hard over his walk down memory lane while stuck in class still. He needs to stop, he fucking hates himself for thinking and feeling like this so often. He especially hates himself for how he couldn’t wait and ended up cumming in that same stairwell a week previous during that hookup he was just pouring over, he has to fight back the urge to cringe thinking about whatever poor sap had to clean that up.  

True, while he is caught up in his head and consumed with all of this often, filled to the brim with negativity more than he’d like to be, things with you had gotten infinitely better. Your sex life together had gotten downright incredible in his opinion, he relishes the time he can be alone just you and himself without Mickey around. It isn’t as dirty as the threesomes you have, it’s softer, sweeter, more intimate and not as intense but he thinks you both need that. He has taken Mickey’s advice to heart and his fingering and oral skills have improved leaps and bounds, he loves when he is able to pull a sound out of you that reminds him of one Mickey has made you gasp out previously.  

He wasn’t sure how long this could or would go on for, it couldn’t last forever but this didn’t have to stop anytime soon, there wasn’t any reason to rush, right? Not when it felt so good and it seemed to be actively bettering and strengthening your relationship as opposed to harming it. So the worries are shoved aside, pushed to the back of his mind, a problem for future him.

Mickey is positively elated over how this has all panned out so far. He knew this stage would be fun, he just didn’t count on how much fun it could be. He got to not only fuck you, he got to humiliate Randy while he did it, being balls deep in you while you were moaning like a total whore and your pathetic cuck of a boyfriend was jerking off to it, making eye contact with the sad little redhead in that moment? Making him truly be confronted with the sight of what he could do to you? My lord, he is sure he will never need viagra when he is fifty plus, he can just recall that memory and be good to go. 

You were just so intoxicating, he thought he had it bad for you before he got to fuck you that first night Randy pissed you off but he was so wrong, it only got worse when he got to know you in the biblical sense. Now that he knows how you sound when he has two fingers angled just right inside of you, or how you feel when you are cumming on him, his interest grew into a full on crush and became infinitely worse. He couldn’t get you out of his head, how could he push it out of his mind or forget such an experience?

You were a delight, a joy to be around, so funny, so filthy and ready, willing and open. You got him, understood him, the sexual compatibility was a massive plus of course but it was more than that. It was the hushed whispers during class of dumb jokes that make you stifle laughter, it was shared lunches, and those times where you and he would end up crashing together post threesome and wake up side by side before Randy did. He knew you felt more for him than you were saying, the moments you would hold his hand when Randy wasn’t around told him that, the way you looked at him, would brighten when seeing him, it all tattled on your true feelings. He was sure of how you felt. 

Christ, he couldn’t wait until he could have you all to himself as opposed to having to carve out these small moments whenever Randy wasn’t hanging off you like he was doing his best impression of a koala bear. 

It was so soon. Mickey could hardly contain himself. The last thing standing between you and him being together is your boyfriend that you were still holding onto for some reason. Clearly it was out of some sense of loyalty, he liked that quality about you. So it means that he has to get rid of him and then you will be able to get with him guilt free, it’s the only thing that makes sense. The single option. 

You are more than worth him doing this, uprooting and changing his whole plan, Nancy had to go. She just did, no way would she understand or be on board, she was just a means to an end really, she bankrolled him sure but it isn’t like he was attached to her. He believed in his motive, in what he wanted but now that he had you, the idea of risking going to jail wasn’t high on his list of to-do’s. Maybe he could keep a low profile, maybe he would be satisfied being with you, having you and quietly killing people to satisfy those parts of himself from time to time. If he did go through with the original plan there is still a chance it might fail. Was he willing to risk even a slight chance of being separated from you? 

He is sure that the high he would get if he could pull it off, kill and spill his guts, blame the violence of movies and not go to jail would be immense, but then that part of his life would be over, that chapter closed. No way he could keep killing. Or, maybe he could, if he could keep getting away with it after that it would be amazing, however if caught that same plea wouldn’t work twice.

Perhaps the real high could be in never, ever getting caught. 

Between that and you, he might be just fine. 

He should feel worse, shouldn’t he? The thought was on his mind as he was cleaning his knife in the sink after putting an end to Nancy, he should feel something, but he just didn’t. Honestly seeing the look of betrayal on her face was priceless, she never would have thought Mickey would do this to her. She sobbed and begged, going on about how could Mickey do this to her, she needed to avenge her “sweet baby boy-” and yeah, he wasn’t going to listen to her go on about that. He didn’t waste much time on her, didn’t linger or monologue or go on and on, he made it relatively painless and pretty quick. 

The important thing is she was gone and now he could focus on killing Randy. 

Unlike his previous and now dead partner, he wanted to make it hurt, he wanted to destroy Randy, make him unrecognisable, but he knew that might not be best. Logical thought doesn't usually win out in these situations however. He hated how Randy took you for granted, he hated how you looked at him, that you insisted on staying together, hated every time he watched you kiss or anything else, he wanted to stab the knife into his chest, pierce his heart and twist. Wanted to watch him gasp, struggle, and bleed. 

He had a good handle on Randy’s schedule because of your arrangement, he is coming back from a late class, going back to his apartment while Mickey follows far enough behind to not alert him, yet. 

Ol’ Randy was so oblivious, he was going to make this way too easy. Mickey felt his anticipation grow with every single step, every heavy footfall makes his mind run with possibility and pure excitement.

He wanted to rush him, tackle him to the ground, end it right here out in the open but that is stupid and way too risky, it still doesn’t stop how his hands itch, he craved to have his knife in his grip, to bury it in something. The urge to penetrate in a violent sense and in a sexual sense are not that different and Mickey finds it so hard to ignore either of those urges. Soon it is just right, soon Randy is unlocking the door to his apartment building and Mickey picks up the pace, he runs forward, he timed it just right, the door opens and he knocks into Randy, causing him to stumble into the building with a shocked, “Woah!” 

With him totally off balance Mickey takes the opportunity, hand gripping the collar of his shirt behind his neck, he moves him, comes forward, hauling Randy along, he bursts into the stairwell door in the lobby, that same one that you all hooked up in. He is quickly throwing him with all of his strength against the stairs. It hurts his spine, knocks the wind out of him, he groans feeling slightly dazed and when his eyes open he sees the figure clad in that all too familiar black robe and white mask and his heart drops. Eyes widen and he curses, trying to scramble back on the stairs, “Shit, fuck-”

God he loved that look. Pure and unadulterated terror, totally horrified, there was only one way to make it better, Mickey pulled the knife out, the glint of the blade in the low light flashes over his face, it made Randy’s breath catch. He tried to bolt, tried to turn to launch himself up the stairs, towards the safety of his apartment, away from his would-be attacker and that wasn’t going to happen. Mickey was on him too fast, one hand threads in short red hair and he jerks his head back, making it slam on the concrete, the sound was sickening and it made his struggle so much weaker immediately. Mickey sat on his stomach, knees on either side of him, he took in the view below him. Randy was already bleeding from his head wound, scarlet starting to stain the concrete, holding his own head up weakly, his other hand reaching out, trying to push on Mickey’s torso feebly. 

He enjoyed this immensely. He watches him for a moment before it starts, it’s like the calm before a storm, like in the summer when you can feel a thunderstorm brewing, something in the air telling you what is to come, as if you can feel the electricity threatening to crackle and break though. 

He lingers for only a moment more, he knows he is pushing it, but fuck, he has wanted this for so long and when he started he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop. 

Finally the moment is just right, he raises the knife and there is zero hesitation, it comes down and comes down hard. It embeds into his shoulder first, the air is practically sucked out of Randy, eyes wide, his hand comes up to clutch near the blade but Mickey didn’t take too kindly to that. He twists it and a choked off whimper left Randy and then he yanks the knife up, pulling the blade out, the body below him moving with the force of it, back arching as the struggle to remove steel is won quickly. 

Randy is still trying to hold the wound at his shoulder but the angle is awkward and the pain is blinding, he doesn’t think anything could snap him out of the agony, his mind is running a million miles a second, synapses are firing but not connecting to anything. The urge to flee is strong but how? How can he get out, how can he get away, he is stuck, he hurts so much, what is he going to do? He thought he left all this behind in Woodsboro, he should have been more careful, he knew the threat, the risks, he should have taken that tape more seriously and realised he was being watched probably this entire time since he got said tape. 

It turns out there is one thing that can pull him out of his head and free him enough from the pain to speak, eyes come into focus as the hurt is numbed with what he is seeing. Ghostface is still seated on top of him and the fingers leave his hair, hand comes up and the mask is tugged off to reveal is pseudo sort of fuck buddy or more accurately, YOUR fuck buddy and the cucker to Randy’s cuckee’, Mickey fucking Altieri. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Randy wheezed out, a cough that sounded too wet coming out after the words left him, “Mickey?”

“Heya Randy.” He dropped the mask, gloved fingers ran through his own hair as he stared down at the body starting to struggle under him once more. It all comes to Randy at once, the cheating, the tape, the “coincidences”, the dark edges to him, the knowing looks, he is the killer, he is Ghostface. Of course he is. 

“What the fuck? Why-AHH!” Randy yelped as the knife came back down, settling in the other shoulder, he left it there, holding the handle as he said, “Oh why? Meeks wants to know why-” 

Mickey hums and grips the handle harder before starting to twist it slightly, back and forth, digging deeper. Randy is crying now, tears falling down and struggling for breath, “-lots and lots of reasons. I had this whole big motive, this crazy plan, Billy’s mom, you remember Billy’s mom, Nancy Loomis, had found me and brought me here, bankrolled my education while I was meant to do the dirty work-”

Randy could hardly believe what he was hearing over the burning and pulsing pain, Mickey kept talking, “-but thennn, you-” 

Mickey pointed down at Randy with his free hand, “-fucked up. You took your girl for granted and I got to swoop in at that party and our whole whatever the fuck you want to call it started and I realized, I don’t want to share her. I don’t want to follow through on that original plan. I just want her. But she’s-”

He ripped the knife out and Randy half screamed, blood splatters over his robe and the wall and when Randy’s scream subsided he was still holding the knife while he made air quotes as he said “-all “in love with you” for some fucking reason.” 

Mickey shakes his head, “She’s amazing, but man that shit I just do not understand. I mean look at you! No fight at all! Fuck, you are so pathetic. You find out I fucked your girlfriend and you come to my apartment begging me to do it again while you watch?! Who does that?”

He laughs with a shake of his head, “I know as long as you are around she wouldn’t dump you and I couldn’t ask her to, I would come off like a total dick and then she might push me away and end our fun. That can’t happen!”

The exclamation is loud, angry, and violent. The knife comes back down again, in the ribs and Randy’s body jerks, he coughs, blood paints his chin, he wheezes, he thinks his lung might be punctured. Mickey barks out, “Look at me, Meeks.”

Randy’s eyes open half way, he feels woozy, Mickey looks positively manic, he has leaned down closer, still holding that knife handle so tightly, “I’m doing this because it’s the only way I see that she can be all mine. I’m killing you to fix this little problem. I’m going to be there while she grieves, I’m going to be the one to help her pick up the pieces, she’s gonna cling to me and then I’m gonna have her all to myself.” 

Mickey was grinning, “Our little thing was a good time I’ll admit that but I’m ready to move up to the next level, I don’t want to be her classmate, or her friend, I don’t want to be her fuck buddy, I want to be her boyfriend. Not you.” 

Randy is shaking his head, his face is so wet, blood, sweat, drool, tears, he is mouthing something, too weak to talk, Mickey thinks it’s “No” but who cares really. 

“Yeah. It’s gonna happen and there is nothing you can do to stop it.” Mickey said in a condensing tone as he nodded, “You’re going to die, and soon it seems like!” 

Mickey rips the knife out again and Randy jerks once more, nowhere near as strong, “I cannot wait. Not anymore. You should see her when we are alone, the way she looks at me, talks to me, she isn’t yours and hasn’t been for a while. I’m just helping her see it, speeding along the inevitable. She’s mine.”

The silver blade stained red cuts through the air and hits home again, lower this time and a similar reaction is drawn, weaker still, before being pulled out and then it happens again and again. Chest, ribs once more, stomach, stab, cut, rip, tear while repeating that one word over and over again. A quiet chant breathed through gritted teeth on harsh exhales from the sheer amount of exertion and effort, “Mine. Mine. Mine.” 

Randy is dead.

He didn’t get proper last words but Mickey thinks he didn’t deserve them the same way that he didn’t deserve you. Mickey is sure it happened sometime between the seventh and the seventeenth stab but it doesn’t really matter. He stays there for a moment looking down at Randy, body slowly turning cold, bloodstained and eyes lifeless. 

He sits until he is sick of looking at him and then he gets up, the robe and mask are rolled up and put into his bag. He leaves out the back way, the camera is broken on that side of the building so no one can possibly tie him to this. He left with a spring in his step and the bag under his arm and excited for the news to reach him naturally. 

The phone ringing is what wakes him up, he is wiping sleep out of his eyes as he makes his way to the kitchen, he snatches it up off of the bar and brings it up to his ear, “Lo’?” 

It’s you, the voice sounding wrecked, you barely get the words, “Randy’s dead-” before you are sobbing, he lets himself smile. You start trying to talk a mile a minute through your sobs and he listens to you go on for a minute before he cuts in asking you to take a breath before he is apologising, tell you how awful that sounds and as you are sniffing you ask quietly, “Ca-can you come over? I-I don’t wan-want to be alone.” 

 “I’ll be right there.” He assures and you tell him, “Hurry, please-”

He tells you he will be right there. He hangs up, he throws on clothes and finds himself humming on the way to your place. He shows up with coffee and breakfast, it’s stupid early and he isn’t sure when you last ate, he knocks and calls out, before he can get your name out the door is open and you are throwing your arms around his neck. He almost drops the coffee tray in one hand and the take out bag in the other but he keeps a grip on them. Your face is wet and buried in his shirt, body shaking and he says softly, “Oh hey, hey, I’m here.” 

You stand in your doorway for minutes and he doesn’t rush you, he lets you cling to him and God this is already working out so well. 

Once he manages to get you inside he sits with you, he makes sure you eat, he listens, holds the box of tissues while you lament, “I wasn’t allowed to see him but they say it was a massacre, they are talking murder Mickey-”

“Murder? Oh my God!” 

If only you knew. But you never would. 

He barely left your side. You kept asking him to stay, begging him to be close, you told him that he made you feel safe, made this easier to handle, you feared you’d fall apart without him and it made him feel so important. Your grief is intense but he loves how you are like this, how you rely on him even when things are difficult and hard to manage, he loves the desperation. He pokes, he has a small pattern, you are so raw that a small nudge makes your emotions go screwy and when you are in a deep spiral then he helps soothe you, pulls you out of it again and makes sure any positive emotion you feel during this time, no matter how small, is tied to him. 

You are so needy, but he has never felt this needed and my God is it nice to feel needed. 

No serious suspicion is thrown his way. He doesn’t kill anyone else, lets everything calm and die down and a funeral is planned and hosted for Randy over a month after he died. Everyone was just so scared that whoever it was might strike again beforehand. The fear it was Ghostface was present, kept Sidney and everyone else permanently on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop but it seemingly never does and they all have to start moving on sometime. Mickey had to fight hard to keep the act up, but inside there was such power and joy in doing the receiving line of Randy’s family, shaking hands and giving condolences, everyone unaware that he is the reason and cause of his death. He made the right call, abandoning the other plan for this was amazing. He listens as you cry your way through your turn speaking, he knows he is going to be comforting you hard after this and true, right after you finished you come over and he held your hand, giving you the pack of tissues he had in his pocket.

The casket buried, the wake over, he is with you back at his place. You’d been wanting to spend more and more time here, you hadn’t cleared out all the little pieces of Randy from your space yet and you felt like you couldn’t face them today. Your eyes are red from the crying, your nose raw from the tissues used, sitting on his couch, heels kicked off and in your funeral dress still. You aren’t quite as sombre now, he had seen to that, he got your favourite take out just before the place closed, it was near midnight and you actually ate, half empty boxes on the coffee table along with a few empty drink cans. 

You were cradling your current drink in your hand, looking across the couch to him, you were both sitting on the same ends of the couch as before, a mirror of that night months previous that started all this. He was in the middle of telling some story that was making you laugh, the smile on your face was small but steadily growing. “She ended up not even having her wallet after all that.” 

“Holy shit, no way! So then what?” 

“What do you mean what? I sure as shit didn’t pay for her.” He laughed and you said around an amused exhale of your own, “Alright fair, especially after how she treated the cashier yeah fuck her.” 

He takes another pull from his can and you did the same before setting aside with a sigh. You rested your head on the back of the couch as you said, “Thanks for this Mick.”

A questioning hum left him paired with raised eyebrows and you elaborate, “For being here for me. I know I’ve been like a mess, understandably so but a mess all the same. I know dealing with me hasn’t been easy but just…Without your support I dunno how I would have gotten through this.” 

“Oh hey, no need to thank me. That is what a good guy does.” He said easily and you nod, “You really are, you’re so great.”

You reach out, a grabby hand gesture and he fills your need, taking your hand and you sigh. “I feel bad.” 

“For a different reason other than the funeral?” He asked and you laughed a little, “Yeah. I just…I’ve been having these thoughts that make ME feel like I’m a horrible person.”

“What thoughts could you possibly be having to make you feel like that?”  

“I dunno if I should say.” You grumbled and he said, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to but you know you can trust me. I won’t judge you and I sure as shit won’t tell anyone else.” 

You are quiet for a moment before deciding that yes, he is right, you can trust him. You might even feel better getting it out, “I loved Randy. I mean I still love Randy but…All this time I have been spending with you and everything from before, how great you are I’ve been thinking about you more than I should. In ways I probably shouldn’t.” 

He ignores the first half of your sentence, he is sure that would fade in time, he focuses on the second half, “Like how?” 

You give a half shrug and look away, gaze averted and he says your name, stretching it out, he is leaning closer and you steal a glance back at him and say, “Like…” 

The tension is thick, you’ve moved closer throughout the conversation yourself, not so much on the opposite ends of the couch now, almost on the same cushion in the middle of the couch you take a deep breath to steady yourself and you open up. You are already raw and vulnerable, why not go all in? 

“I’ll be in a class I don’t have with you and I feel this huge hole where you should be. I don’t feel like I can do anything properly while away from you, I can’t eat or focus, the weight of everything else crushes me but when you are around I have, fuck, I have hope. I think I can do this, I feel stronger and better, you do that for me!”

He keeps doing what he has for more than a month, he listens, he squeezes your hand harder and he listens to you. 

“I’ll be in bed alone and wish you were with me. My sleep schedule is wrecked but I think I could finally get some good rest with you because I swear to God, if there is one, I only feel safe around you lately.” 

You are speaking so fast now, as if you can’t communicate your intense emotion fast enough until the words stop because your other hand that isn’t in his is on his face, tugging him close to you and kissing him. It starts off hot, deep, needy and he is stunned, it takes a moment to match the energy but he lets you lead it. Fuck he has missed this, missed feeling you against him, you start to slow, he keeps pace, from all consuming open mouthed to soft brushes with laboured breathing and you pull back, “That. I have been thinking the most about doing that.” 

“And that…Makes you feel bad? Cuz it felt pretty good to me.” You laugh from the tone and his expression, the big smile that is so him, you admit, “No that did feel good but I feel bad because my boyfriend has been in the ground for less than twelve hours and I’m on your couch, kissing you and I’ve been thinking about doing it for weeks.” 

You inhale in a way he has come to know far too intimately, that hitch that tattles on you that you are going to cry, you choke out, “How shitty of a person does that make me?” 

He lets go of your hand, his hands are on your cheeks and then tracing down to your neck, thumbs stroke over the line of your jaw and he says, “It doesn’t, hey,  you aren’t a shitty person. You’re my favourite person.” 

Your hands are on his wrists and you shake your head, “I’m pretty sure I am, I-I don’t deserve you, I didn’t deserve Randy either-”

A sniff and he assures further, “No, stop that, you deserve so much. I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t.”

It is quiet for a moment, you are trying to breathe through it and stop yourself from seriously crying, he knows just the right thing to say, “I know I’m really stupid but I have good taste.” 

You laugh. A nod as you admit, “Okay, you’re right, you do have good taste.” 

“We’re gonna ignore you not disagreeing with me calling myself stupid-” You laugh again harder, “But see! So if I have good taste that means that everything I do for you isn't a mistake, it’s not wasted, you deserve this.”

You look into his eyes and ask a bit more seriously, one of the main worries weighing on you, “Isn’t it too soon?”

It’s his turn to laugh, “What? Do you seriously think Meeks would want you to recognize Victorian mourning customs and mope around in all black for a year?” Another laugh spills out of you at the image, “Why does the timing matter on this? If you want it now, then why not now? What is waiting a few more weeks or months going to do?”

He is right. Why does it matter?

The next thing you ask is, “Am I really your favourite person?” 

“Easily. No contest.” You are still so close to each other, and you decided fuck it, why does it matter? You’ve been through so much, you are desperate and you deserve to feel good and so you give into what you have been craving. 

You kiss him again on the couch. 

Neither of you stay on the couch for very long. 

It comes out while you are in his bed, your dress on the floor and you are under him, arms wrapped around his neck, you feel like you could cry but not for any of the feelings or reasons that you had previously over this past month. You don’t want to sob because you are sad or missing Randy or anything else, you cry because fucking hell you missed this, you needed this, it feels incredible but it’s more than that. You finally realised it a while ago, but now? You are unable to ignore it, can’t hold it inside, the admission is on your tongue and has been threatening to come out between moans for minutes. Rocking with him, feverish kisses placed over the side of his face as you gasp, Mickey’s hands are all over, like he cannot get enough of you, he is buried deep and he hits that spot that makes your whole body want to shudder and at long last it comes out in a rush, overwhelmed and feeling overflows you tell him-

“I love you.”

That makes him slow, not stop, but slow, rolls of his hips are purposeful, the change in angle is fantastic, the pressure and grinding on your clit makes you want to cry all over again. He has one arm under your neck, the other one runs up your side, there is this expression on his face that can only be described as a cross between joyful disbelief and pure affection, brown eyes are warm as he asks, “What did you just say?”

You repeat it, louder, voice more sure, “I said I love you.” A harder thrust, a shared and hushed moan, your nails biting into the skin on the back of his neck, you make yourself maintain eye contact, it’s difficult  but it’s important so you manage, “I am tired of-of feeling it, fuck, and not saying it, I fucking love you.” 

He couldn’t be happier, this was better than he ever could have planned or hoped, better than any dream possible, he leans down, kisses you deeply and you return it. Eyes closed you are close in sensation and the moment, in him. He pulls back, close enough his forehead is touching yours as he breathes back the same sentiment, “I love you too, so fucking much.” 

A broken moan that could be read as the word “really” but he is picking up the pace, quicker, rougher and your hand falls back, a desperate plea of, “Mickey, fuck, don’t stop-”

As if he would ever. 

He did manage to get away with it.

It’s been over a year since Randy’s murder, you are none the wiser and you barely mention Randy anymore. Sure his birthday, his death day and your old anniversary with Meeks was hard but that was understandable and tolerable. 

The main and most important thing is that he had you, after the funeral you and he became official, you kept it on the down low, he insisted he wanted you to be spared the judgement, you were already going through so much and any added stress needed to be stomped out. You and he talked regularly about living together and man was he ever excited for when that could happen. Sure it would make his “hobby”, whenever he picked it back up again, more difficult but fuck it, he loved a good challenge. The itch for murder hasn’t been on his mind in so long, much too happy and concerned with you, wrapped up in your relationship but he was feeling that need wriggling in the back of his brain, he can ignore it for the time being. He got away with it and he has you, life is good.

#Mickey Altieri x reader #Ghostface x reader #slasher x reader #BHF asks #BHF writing #HOOOOOOO #ENJOY

[omi-papus]

AU where it's the original plot of the Below zero beta, except Robin and Sam's roles are reversed, so Sam is a manager on the planet that ends up stranded, and Robin is the biologist/wilderness and survival expert they should have sent with her but didn't because she would have specifically told them to not build bases in meteor strike zones and to not have just random untrained people in water hell, but now that shit has gone south, she needs to be in constant contact with Sam to tell her how not to fucking die, while she gets the asshats at Alterra to send her over. Al-An gets put into Sam's head but falls in love with Robin anyway, because she's so smart and scientific and resourceful, and in general the only reason her barely athletic sister and him aren't dead. And Sam notices this and mostly because she realizes that as fucked as this whole situation is, she knows these two are the only people crazy enough for each other and her absolutely furious sister needs something else to think about before she murders every single person at the company.

So, nobody really knows if Jevov is dead or not so Sam just, like, starts citing things Al-An has said about her as if they were things Jevov said at some point. Al-An like dies of psychic damage the first time, but eventually it becomes a sort of one-sided telephone game, where Al-An expresses how he admires her and wants to know more and that the stories that Sam has told him make him feel like he wants to be someone like her, and Robin actually starts to maybe feel something for “Jevov” and flustered telling Sam that she “Has hope that he will be ok.” And he will respond “If that is what you believe, then hope might deserve consideration” but obviously Robin can't hear him. Sam is just bawling.

She would get to know Al-An pretty well and try to help him deal with these new complicated emotions he's feeling, and also talk to Robin and make sure her insecurity over her perceived helplessness in the situation.

And Sam grows a lot throughout this journey too. Because she has been completely sunk into the myth of the meritocracy and grindset, having unknowingly been a corporate slave for years. Having secretly had little respect for Robin since she hasn't climbed the corporate ladder much due to insubordination. But not only seeing the promises Alterra made crumble around her and how they don't even really attempt to help her, she realizes most of her professional life had been a lie. She comes to respect her sister more through her support and advice as well as Al-Ans adoring observations, and Al-Ans own critique of the individualistic but still sacrificial and fake structure of Alterran corporate society is in practice even more destructive than the architects themselves. She deep down tries to get them together because she remembers how her girlfriend Danielle backstabbed her for a higher up position and left her behind.

And let's get more interesting. Take one element from the final release plot. The mission to 4546b is supposedly a mining development. But Sam knows, that it's actually a Karaah research mission. She knows about the frozen leviathan and where it is. But in the meteor storm all documents regarding that classified information were destroyed and Alterra has kept compleatly quiet about it. So Sam knows, that she's helping develop a brutal bioweapon, but neither Robin nor Al-An do. And letting them find that out, will get at best: Robins heart broken and her only family never being able to see her the same way again, halfway: Alterra most definitely getting her arrested and at worst: a REALLY angry architect on her ass.

Omg and then at some point Robin says fuck it, and bails to 4546b on a stolen aircraft. Al-An is in his body, Jevov turns out to be alive and is gunning for both Karaah samples and architect weapons, now having decide he's going to betray both Sam and Alterra. The former is on their tail to the planet to get Robin and the Karaah. And it's a big race with all players having different objectives. But here, Robin and Al-An meet for the first time. And Sam has some explaining to do. She decides to be generous and not tell her about “he was in my brain, and listened to all our conversations, and also is actually you're secret admirer who is madly in love with you” bit and Al-An is thankfully able to focus on the more important things, only getting somewhat distracted by Robin. That is until she starts asking about Jevov and he can't help but feel both jealous and ashamed, but he pushes it aside. And eventually Jeff betray them and Robin is devastated and confused, and she feels like an idiot, and Al-An feels terrible for causing this, so he tries to comfort her and praise her, and over the speech Robin slowly quiets, until he stops talking noticing she's been staring at him in disbelief.

“All those things, that Sam told me he said… It was you…”

#subnautica #subnautica below zero #robin ayou #al-an #al an #al an x robin #sam ayou #beta #AU

[lynnedwardswrites]

The most disappointing thing about Stephenie Meyer's Midnight Sun was how little Edward's psyche and internal world were affected by the ability to know people (generally and individually) at a much deeper level than anyone else.

imo, Stephenie took an incredibly reductivist view of who people are in their own heads, and Edward's absolute disinterest in the people around him was both surprising and off-putting to me. I think he would have been a much more interesting character if he was actually deeply, obsessively interested in people, had a really robust model for categorizing people according to different patterns of thought, and was constantly anxious about his ability to identify and manipulate problem people perfectly and expertly on the fly.

Because Edward SHOULD have (for interesting story purposes) gotten his entire sense of value and belonging in the Cullen clan—despite his wretched past—FROM those skills and the way they benefited the group. It makes sense, with how melodramatically tortured and self-loathing he is, that he would have to have an equally self-loathing workaround that let him disbelieve every loving thought that's ever been absently directed at him, maybe attributing his family's generosity and good feeling to a base instinct to keep around people who increase chances of survival. He should believe people love him Because of his ability to protect. We even see this pattern in how he'll later interact with Bella, hating himself constantly for every ounce of danger he puts her in, sabotaging their relationship when the risk becomes too great that she'll realize what a shit choice he is and leave him for it.

And then of course there's the fact that reading EVERYONE'S MIND ALL THE TIME should drive you a little bit mad. You get 100x, 1000x the information listening to a conversation between friends than anyone else. You know people in ways they don't even know themselves. Everyone is Highly Predictable because you are highly obsessed with paying enough attention to make sure they are predictable, and you do not experience relationships like anyone else on the planet. Trust is not a thing, because you have All The Information. Not knowing how someone will react is not a thing, because you have A Humanity's Worth of Predictive Data On How Other People Like This Person Have Reacted. You're not a person, you're God In A Person's Body, But If You Slip Up No One Will Love You, and it is just frankly hard to find people who relate.

So with all that in mind, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY FUCKING AWESOME to watch him, after discovering he can't read the new girl's thoughts, become first frustrated then manically, tortuously OBSESSED with Bella because she threatens absolutely everything he believes about himself. What if she's dangerous and I can't warn them? What if they realize I'm a fraud???

So he starts stalking her, talking to her, trying frantically to figure out what the physical and verbal cues are that signal all the mental patterns in people that he knows like the back of his hand, searching desperately for the warning signs he can't read in her mind, like someone who's gone unexpectedly blind. Complicated, of course, by the fact that HOLY SHIT SHE SMELLS DELICIOUS. And slowly, slowly, as he interacts with a human being like HE'S a human being for the first time, he starts to fall in love with her and how she makes him feel. He falls in love with her because she and she alone can make him human again.

The second most disappointing part of Midnight Sun was that Edward fell in love with Bella because "she's a good person" according to an equally boring, reductive, Mormon-culture-inspired view of feminine goodness. I mean, in the text, all she does is make a single comment about how comicon is Pretty Cool Actually™️. As though nerds who go to comicon are a particularly risky group of people to stand up for, as though there are not dozens of people at this school who wouldn't have said the same thing, who are not, at the very moment the interaction happens, also Being Nice™️.

No, no, no, no, fellow vampire fans. Edward should have fallen in love with Bella because, for the first time in his entire vampiric life, Edward is able to interact with another human the way people are meant to. Without knowing everything before it's said. Without knowing her so well from a clinical, objective point of view that he knows what she's going to think before she thinks it. He should have fallen in love with her because she IS normal in a way that's so rare for him that it's precious. Because she can change her mind and he won't see it coming. Because he can't break down every little flaw in her mental reasoning and just has to take her at her word. Bella represents Normalcy for a man who cannot have normal relationships, who is completely isolated and alienated from humanity by the voices in his head. Loving her because she was Nice™️ was just utter bullshit. He loves her because She Contributes Positively To His State Of Being.

In other news, this headcanon is also why I was absolutely devastated by the epilogue ending of Breaking Dawn, in which Bella learns to let Edward into her head. It felt like a punch to the gut for Edward. Like "no, wait, you don't understand how important it is to me that I DON'T see, that I am always able to feel human around you, without the clinical monster taking over. That I Have to trust you." That's what made the whole relationship for him, imo. Edward made her a vampire, and she made him human.

(Of course, I understand that this narrative would have broken the "hot guy is obsessed with normal girl and she has to make absolutely no effort and is under no pressure to be or do anything to continue to be deserving of that love" fantasy, but, well... That's why Midnight Sun should never have been written in the first place.)

#midnight sun #twilight #stephenie meyer #literary analysis #literary critique #literary criticism #edward cullen #bella swan #fight me

[altschmerzes]

Im like. Seething in rage about that episode lol. Like five episodes ago we have jamie detailing a story of james sanctioning him being sexual assaulted (because that’s what it was!!!!!!!!!!! james could literally be convicted of sexual abuse) and now we have the show saying “well actually jamie should forgive his dad and he should explicitly reach out to him and invite him back into his life” like????? I believe in forgiveness but there are limits. And those limits are important.

yeah literally, everything about jamie’s dad in that episode was nothing short of infuriating and extremely painful to watch. like yeah, the violent asshole who arranged for his fourteen year old to be assaulted is exactly who we should be pushing the Forgive Them <3 For YOU <3 shit with, i guess. as if it’s a universal truth that forgiving someone who profoundly harmed you is healthy for every single person ever. especially still actively in the midst of a pretty serious trauma-induced mental health episode.

like that’s what gets me about this - or a couple of things that do ig. we get an (absolutely infuriating) ‘feel good’ shot of james in rehab smiling and proud or whatever watching the match but he has not said fuck-all to jamie. he has not made any kind of effort to apologize or take accountability for everything he did. what they showed jamie doing, reaching out like that? that’s extremely dangerous for him to be doing with no information about how it’s gonna go especially given the last time they interacted went the way it did. i KNOW that because ive BEEN THERE and it’s shit like this being the only narrative society at large will endorse that led me to being there and it fucked me up worse than id already been by an order of magnitude.

forgiveness is for YOU <3 is not a one size fits all maxim. sometimes it hurts people to do that. especially when they’re doing it because they’ve been told that’s the only way to be healthy or free or whatever. sometimes forgiving someone is dangerous and toxic and harmful. and there’s nothing showing THAT story. it’s all this one. it’s all ‘everyone’s needs are exactly the same and they’re ‘forgive your abuser, no it doesn’t matter if they’ve done anything to demonstrate they understand or regret what they did, after all it’s for YOU! no i will not be asking if that’s what you need or doing any work to verify that, just blanket prescribing it and this will be portrayed as the correct and good thing to do.’

it’s not that i think it’s inherently wrong to show someone wanting a relationship with an abusive parent as an adult. i still talk to two of mine, not that i have much of a choice, and i get that it’s very complicated and everyone has the right to make those choices for themselves. but once again i'm at the place of like, characters are not human people making complex decisions for their own reasons, they are narrative figures that are being written by writers making choices, and writers do not ever make a different choice with that narrative and it is blatantly transparent to me that this is largely because society at large does not give one fuck about abuse victims and is stuck in the perspective of the parent and going ‘what makes a good, happy ending here? oh i know! if this person gets their kid back and improves their life <3’ no thought at all as to what a happy ending for the abused adult child might be, or if that’s even a safe situation, which it often is not.

just. disappointing and hurtful and awful but not at all surprising. i keep seeing people expressing surprise that the show would extend its radical forgiveness and second chance approach to james sr of all people and without a fucking minute of work for it because apparently we lost sight of ‘accountability’ somewhere along that road, but i wasn’t surprised at all. because every show does this. every single one, every single time. abused children do not GET the luxury of walking away from their abusers, or saying fuck it, no forgiveness, that’s NOT what i need actually. and characters choosing to reconcile or forgive wouldn’t be nearly as troubling and upsetting to me as a survivor who got pressured by people in my life and by society at large to trying to do that and suffering a lot more for it if there was literally any depiction of other choices existing and being healthy and permitted.

combining the stuff with james in the same episode with the stuff with beard and nate and with ted and his mom was irresponsible, messy storytelling at best. these things are not the same and they are not comparable. people are complicated, and so are parents, and we deserve grace and understanding but abuse changes that equation significantly and that is a hill im going to die on every time.

#gav gab #gav answers #sorry this is so long lmao I have thoughts. on this. #this was an irresponsible and harmful and deeply hurtful and upsetting choice for that narrative #and it hurt me a lot to watch #especially because it was just. tossed in there with no thought or gravity #just oh yeah obviously! #man. there were some really great parts of that episode but fuck that shit so much #they did jamie dirty in that ep. again. #this show does not do abuse justice at this point #ted lasso spoilers #abuse cw #long post #rape mention #csa mention

[opinated-user]

Something that makes a lot of sense now that we know Lily is obsessed with Courtney is the presence of art by amakaraiaji in every single Sankaku account's favorites. amakaraiaji does more shota than loli, but an ongoing theme in amakaraiaji's work is seductive, hypersexual kids who seduce adult or teenage family members, almost always brothers and fathers, and actively enjoy having sex with them. In amakaraiaji's art, eight year olds crawl into their brother's beds and are just so sexual that their brother can't help but give in and fuck them.

I think this is why that's one of the few artists there in every single Sankaku account. Lily can't look away from it because when she sees amakaraiaji's latest 30 second animation, she sees wish fulfillment.

The fact that she has access to children scares the shit out of me. Because I'm very sure that, if she hurt a child, she would tell people later that they started it. And Lily's family has proven that they will not go to the cops when this shit happens, they'll just shrug and try to avoid a scandal.

Sometimes I think about how on amakaraiaji's blog they claim they "instigated a relationship" with their father as a 5 year old and wonder if Lily wishes Courtney could be like this - so thoroughly gaslit that they no longer understand that they didn't start it/deserve it/enjoy it. And I'm sure you think that's just me being too cynical about this because it sounds like a stretch. But I think Lily really likes that idea, the concept of someone having been so thoroughly abused they no longer even can see themselves as a victim.

And then I remember she has access to children as young as amakaraiaji was when they were first abused. And my blood runs cold.

(PS: I know amakaraiaji uses gender-neutral pronouns in Japanese so I'm using they/them as a rough equivalent but I'm not NB, actual NB people feel free to tell me if that's offensive and I'll stop. I'm not trying to be NBphobic, language is just complicated. Also I really hope I don't sound like I'm one of those assholes who goes "oh well if someone grows up to draw this stuff then they deserved to be abused" when discussing these two people because to be clear neither amakaraiaji nor Lily deserved to be abused as a child. No one deserves sexual abuse, ever.)

(sankaku anon, is that you? are you okay, did you have a good break? hopefully you're doing okay! you were missed!)

for the record, if they were using gender neutral pronouns in Japanese then it's correct to use the gender neutral version in English, unless they themselves established a preferences. But I think Lily really likes that idea, the concept of someone having been so thoroughly abused they no longer even can see themselves as a victim.

i believe you hit the nail on the head with this one. people who were already victimized and traumatized are more likely to fall with predators because they have a harder time establishing boundaries or knowing what to do even if they can see a red flag. it takes a lot of work to develop those skills even for the average abuse free person, but for someone who was already taught that their boundaries don't matter... which is exactly why LO preys on those people by pretending like she's a champion for survivors. it's the perfect honey trap. that's exactly what she did with Patch and we all know how that ended up.

#lily orchard

[ravenite-void]

Writer’s gore manual

There are (in my opinion) two main types of gore. Single body gore, where there's one person in the focus and gored. Or battlefield style with more people and subsequently more gore. Note, that I am not a medical professional. I’m just a weird person.

Single body gore

(Tho can be used up to three to five people, when done well)

This way it's the best to focus on details. That's what's noticeable the most here.

Human bodies (and basically anything humanoid enough) has four main things to focus on.

Muscles

Blood vessels

Nerves

Bones

Each thing has a unique effect on the body.

A wound, blunt or piercing the skin will affect all those things.

Stabbing a muscle will make it unusable; depth and width means a lot, as well as the direction? rotation? of the blade. If it's along the fiber, it's less damaging. You can stab a muscle with a swiss army and still use that muscle (don't try it at home!). But if you stab/cut muscle across the fiber, wide or deep (or both) it will be either very painful to use the muscle or just plain impossible.

Braking a bone will make the affected area unusable as well. Bone or more broken in limbs effectively disables adjacent joints and the rest of the limb further from the body. Broken bones are also sharp. They can puncture muscles, skin, organs, blood vessels. In most cases it's not the issue. Usually injury done by stronger force can misalign the bones. One of the more interesting and also bad to happen examples are broken ribs and punctured lung. Can be only fixed by surgery when the ribs are realigned and the injured lung reinflated. Open fractures are also a nightmare, as the very nature can cause infection to the injury and complications when the bone is moved because it’s literally sticking out of someone’s body. Also lot of blood.

Blood. Small blood vessels are everywhere. Then there are the big blood vessels. Any injury that goes skin deep and further will produce blood. The bigger, the bloodier. Artery hit = almost an instant death, unless they're given first aid. Internal bleeding (usually from broken bone or blunt force injury) is Bad™. First, you don’t see it, second blood can put pressure on organs and limit their function. The worst places for internal bleeding to happen are around heart and inside brain. Here you can see major blood vessels, so you know there will be a lot of blood. Needless to say, arteries are pressurised. When cut, they’ll squirt blood periodically until your human bleeds out.

Head injuries are never good. You can always write it off as concussion, if it’s bad, coma or brain damage and bleeding is safe way to go.

Nerves. There's a few nerves in the face that getting damaged can put half a face out of commission. The biggest thing is spine. Broken spine doesn't have to cause spinal cord injury. But it's pretty likely. Anything on the level of the injury and bellow dies off.

Multiple body gore

Where's there more people, the details become blurry. Instead more vague sensations become more prominent.

Smell of blood, of course. Metallic, iron/rusty smell. You'd probably throw up from a lot of it.

Then pee. When people die, at first all their muscles relax. Including their bladder and they pee themselves.

And vomit. Refer to the first two mentioned thing.

At that point it's safe to say you can add mental distress. Panic attack, dissociation... There's a lot of shit happening, people dying and suffering, to feel unwell even a bit is natural. For more, refer to Single body gore, but in lesser detail

#writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writing guide #gore #gore writing #writer #writers #how to write

[betaoctillery]

i dont follow ppl that dont support mspec lesbians btw. not only is it bullshit gender/sexuality policing but its ahistorical as shit when bisexuals & lesbians were almost indisguishable from one another until a very specific point in the 1970s when terfs and political lesbians began dividing the community by excluding anyone who had ANY association to perceived masculinity, which included trans women (bcus terfs thought of them as men), bi women for sleeping with men, butches for expressing masculinity, and women of color for racist reasons which posited that they arent feminine/women bcus many dont look/act/talk exactly like cis/het white women.

at any rate, the current accepted definition for the term lesbian is inherently bisexual! everyone says it means “attraction to women and nonbinary ppl” (which is nb-phobic outright ANYWAYS by lumping ALL nonbinary ppl with women -- this is what ppl are criticizing when they say we’re treated as “women-lite”) so if youre not being a nb-phobic asshat, you then have to acknowledge that woman and nonbinary are different genders, thereby making lesbianism a fundamentally bisexual identity as it includes to attraction to two or more genders. 

like think critically for a moment. what about a bigender lesbian who feels like they are both a man and a woman? do you personally get to decide, do you personally get to have the authority, to choose which identity of theirs to suppress in order to cram them into one specific neat little box? whichever way you try to pigeonhole them, youre promoting gender binarism, which is nb-phobic. trying to cut up and divide ppl’s identities like nations erecting borders is dehumanizing. 

another aspect of this issue ive noticed is that almost every single person ive met who self-identifies as a bi or mspec lesbian is trans or nonbinary. they often have complicated relationships to gender and sexuality that sweeping statements like “lesbians cant like men!!!” end up erasing their experiences. ive seen ppl claim its a term used by cis women to describe sleeping with trans women and i cant stress enough how in all the reading and research ive done on bi lesbianism that ive never once seen that cited as a definition or something having been done in practice. its literally just ignorant teenagers or young adults in their early 20s who know nothing about their community’s culture or history talking straight out of their asses. and if there are ppl who do this, theyre extreme outliers and its disingenous to act like mspec lesbians would defend such a level of transphobia when, again, most mspec lesbians are transgender themselves and are well aware that this division occured bcus of terfs.

read queer history yall. for the love of whatever you consider sacred and holy in this world pls fucking read queer history. dont get all of your information off of social media, random unsourced carrds made by teenagers who obviously dont make an effort to learn about their own community, and bad faith internet debaters who make conclusions drawn off what amounts to nothing more than “vibes” essentially. these people have really big loud mouths, but theyre simply wrong. material history will never agree with them. 

throughout history, bi and lesbian have more or less meant and were treated as the same thing, including both women who exclusively were attracted to other women AS WELL AS women who were attracted to both women and men.

and until a single exclusionist can provide sources that can prove that 70′s lesbian separatism wasn’t a huge, well documented movement that resulted in much of the exclusionary attitudes and its effects we see even today, im just gonna continue to laugh at how childishly they cover their ears and go “la la la la” when presented with verifiable and cited evidence that this happened.

#bi lesbian #mspec lesbian #nonbinary #nonbinaryphobia #queer history

[arrow-dodger]

I have been spending increasingly less time on social media. I basically don't even use Twitter anymore and haven't for like at least this entire year so far. I mostly open Facebook to look people up for things or keep track of events, and I basically never spend time scrolling on there because videos autoplay with sound enabled and that's fucking insane to me.

I'm on here sometimes, if this even counts. I kinda don't think so. I only have TikTok so I can view things people send me, but I actually legitimately hate being on there for more than a video or two at a time. It gives me anxiety.

When I open my phone for mindless scrolling I actually typically end up on reddit now. And I was a reddit hater in the past, believe me. But the idea that I can follow pages for all the different things I'm interested in, and those pages are what make up my entire feed, is so novel amongst all these other sites that constantly push OTHER shit in my face. I know there's an algorithm there, but it's kind of fine? I mean I'm still just seeing fandom discussions, posts of cute animals, uhhh kinda everything tumblr was for me in like 2012, if I'm being honest.

One thing I do that is probably actually bad for me though is read those "relationship drama" kinds of subs. There are a lot of those and I kinda can't get enough of them. They definitely make me think deeply about human relationships and how complicated that shit is, and playing thought experiments like that is fun for me I think.

And man, I used to think that the people writing posts on those subs were the people with issues, but the people who frequent those subs and COMMENT on those posts are the ones with the worst issues, I'm finding. Every single post has at least a couple of people very concernedly explaining to OP some variation of "your boyfriend is an abusive narcissistic sociopath and is going to murder you and you need to get out YESTERDAY," no matter the conflict. It's actually wild to me to see people talking so confidently and prescriptively about the lives of strangers they've only read a few paragraphs about. It's like they're trying to explain to the poster what that person's own life is sometimes. The lack of nuance and critical thinking often startles me, but the patronizing tone REALLY does me in.

It reminds me of the black and white thinking of a teenager (which I was guilty of a thousand times over, as evidenced by this blog), except it's way worse because everyone these days fancies themselves some kind of psychology expert because they've read and watched things on the internet. They've read all the pop psychology "facts" and articles, they listen to true crime podcasts, they watch youtubers and TikTokers spew psychology jargon with the confidence of someone with a PhD even though they're like 22 and probably work at like, Target. So now everyone knows all the big fancy words and uses them freely.

But I personally can't get past the idea that being overly clinical and pathological about every human interaction or characteristic just leads to a lack of real empathy, self reflection, and accountability. If everything everyone else does that is bad or harmful is because of some disorder you are deciding they have that makes them Evil, then they're irredeemable and you can write them off entirely. You can take yourself completely out of having contributed to any conflict you had with that person. And if you have some self-diagnosed disorder that is an untreatable innate part of who you are that you can use to attribute any bad behaviors YOU have to, that means you may get trapped in a cycle of feeling like you never have to grow or work on yourself ever again. Which is... bad!

I dunno, it's like, sometimes people just suck. There doesn't have to be anything deeper to it. They're selfish, maybe, or a bad communicator, or they have trauma they've never worked on, or something "ugly" like BPD, or maybe you and them aren't compatible honestly, or in VERY few cases in my personal opinion, yeah, they're just vindictive. I think less people are truly cruel and vindictive than we like to think. People aren't sitting out there in armchairs with their fingers steepled, plotting evil plots about how they're going to next ruin your life. And if you think they are then consider that you're not the main character. They're usually reacting to things moment to moment just like you, and they're the hero of their own story, even if they're a shitty hero. A Game of Thrones tier hero. Hot take, but even people who are abusive are usually not evil fucking masterminds.

We should, uh, cut each other more slack. In general. We're all out here learning how to person, together, in a world and a society that is constantly trying to crush us. So yeah. Also, existing systems of classification are not the end-all-be-all and are not meant to be. Those evolve over time, and I truly think we're seeing at a rapid rate these days how a lot of our current ones are broken as fuck.

[literally-ritsu]

Why Takano deserves love/forgiveness: an essay

Takano is a jerk and a menace but I love him and in this essay I will-

First of all, the boy has literally had a shitty life since his early childhood so let’s cut him some slack. Okay? Cool. Yes his backstory is rather ‘generic’ so, from a media consumers perspective, I can see how people can dismiss him as a cliche. But as a person? Who also grew up trapped in a household where the parental figures would have caused so much less damage to themselves and the child if they’d just bitten the bullet and split up? That shit leaves a fucking lasting impression. It’s a miracle he was able to fall in love at all after that bullshit. It fucks you up. It gets in your head and it stays there. Saga’s desire to crush Ritsu’s rose colored glasses are a grade a example of what that kind of shit can do to you. He didn’t even consider that Ritsu was serious, at first. Because the only love he ever had exemplified to him was unhealthy and suffocating and I understand why he would want no part of it. It’s a defense mechanism. By the time he was seventeen, his parents had already basically abandoned him. He’d only had himself to depend on for years. It’s honestly impressive that he’s as much of a functioning member of society as he is. And all of this is not me saying he’s perfect. He screws up a lot and he’s pushy and demanding because that’s what he had to become to survive. And he especially screws up a lot when it comes to Ritsu. This isn’t done out of malicious intent or self servingness. He just literally has no idea what he’s doing. He doesn’t know what a healthy relationship is. And that’s not Ritsu’s fault and it still isn’t fair that he gets caught in the crossfire so often, but seriously, the miscommunications happen on both their parts so many times that it’s actually painful. There are two people in their relationship, and yes, the power imbalance complicates things, but so does everything else. Takano and Ritsu have history. Ritsu isn’t just some employee that Takano likes to harass. Ritsu is the first person he ever actually let himself fall for and I can’t imagine how it must have felt to have gotten literally kicked in the face for it without really knowing why. And then, ten years later, he finds out it was all just because of a misunderstanding? I’d be pissed as hell too, but he got over that fairly quickly, all things considered, and told Ritsu he had no plans of letting him go again. Very concerning and possessive I know, but consider, they’re meant to be actual people with actual feelings and if I thought I’d lost someone I loved for the rest of my life and then all of the sudden they got dropped into my lap, I’d cling too tightly too. And throughout all of this, everyone seems to forget every single instance where he’s tried to communicate with Ritsu and is given just enough of a more positive mixed signal to keep him going. He’s impulsive. He’s pushy. He’s an ass and a prick and immature in a lot of ways. But he’s not a monster for holding onto Ritsu as tight as he can after losing him once and I’m tired of everyone deciding he is.

Tl;dr: Takano sucks I know but he’s Doing His Best and I’m tired of him being demonized

#sekaiichi hatsukoi #takano x onodera #takano x ritsu #onodera ritsu #cammie babbles #im literally in love with masamune takano #so I’m a little biased #but yeah #this is a very disorganized and incomplete rant I’m sorry I’m tired one day I’ll sit down and do actual character analysis’ for him and rit

[knyplotrewrite]

Why Uzui Tengen (Rewritten) has a twin sister

(and other aspects of his character that I added or otherwise removed! This is just me putting out my own thoughts while writing Tengen)

Honestly, when I first started this, I didn’t really understand what made Tengen so compelling to viewers. Even in the first iterations of this rewrite I just didn’t care about him much if at all. Maybe it was his personality being so different from the other Pillars? Maybe it was all the weird questionable shit that Gotouge added in when it would’ve been better to just not have it at all? Maybe his inner conflict in his own arc doesn’t feel as fleshed out as other characters? A combination of all three?

I really took the time to examine his canon characteristics, decided most of it was bullshit or ill fitting, and essentially gave him the Rewrite Zenitsu treatment where he’s more a decent person than comedic relief (I really should talk about Zenitsu, huh?). Basically everything that is revealed about his character in Rewrite RLD contributes to some aspect of his deeper motives and philosophies, from him obsessing and being very defensive over his looks to joking about his tits, all of it.

Then there is his twin sister who I created for a multitude of reasons. I always felt like his tragedy regarding his past as a shinobi was rather flat and uninteresting, and his narrative connection to Gyutaro and Daki doesn’t even exist. Tenten kills two birds with one stone, with the addition of also offering a motivation for Tengen to become a Demon Slayer. Honestly one of my best literary decisions.

Tenten as a character is openly brash and rebellious, always one to challenge the status quo and the traditions that their family see as law. If it weren’t for her, Tengen easily could have just been another selfish ninja succumbing to the harsh and sexist practices of his clan. She is practically instrumental to his current worldview and his more obvious motivation in leaving the clan for good. Yes, Tengen already breaks so many societal ideas and norms in more ways than one, but she’s a factor in many of them.

Like makeup.

Tengen’s relationship with makeup and his appearance in general has always been a major source of internal conflict. Makeup is typically associated with femininity (no duh), and his identity as a trans man, even when he didn’t realize he was trans yet, very much conflicted with those ideas. But, when Tenten and him actively started to present themselves more flamboyantly as a “fuck you” to their clan’s traditional principles, he began rethinking his relationship to makeup as not a way to enforce femininity but a tool for self-expression. I find it quite significant that he wore the same flashy style of eyeliner, eyeshadow, and lipstick in the present day, almost as a nostalgic callback to his first journey into gender nonconformity with his sister.

It’s more than just makeup; its a major part of who he is. Really recontextualizes those scenes where Gyutaro and Tengen’s parents either tell him he would look better without it or pester him in cleaning it off respectively, don’t you think? (I’m sure Gyutaro didn’t mean to offend him since he’s got his own complicated relationship with his appearance, that’ll be for another post though.)

He became comfortable and proud of his own identity because of Tenten, so its really no wonder why hes so obsessed in trying to find her again. It’s not just the promise of them being “those permanently single white haired bitches.” It’s SO much more.

#petition to make tenten a canon character /j #tengen #tengen uzui #kny #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #tenten #ocs

[androgynousblackbox]

Things that bother me as a pan/bi person from the bi community (and everyone in general)

The titite is somewhat clickbait because many of the things I am going to talk about are stuff I have seen from people all over the rainbow and even outside of it. It’s not especial of the bi community at all. But I know, I just know many of you out there are never going to read about pansexuality or a pan’s person experience or, god forbid, panphobia unless somehow I also make it about you or make it seem like I am going to join the ever so useless and worthless “bi vs pan” discourse.   Also, I am pissed because I keep seeing videos from bi people making videos talking about the entire mpsec experience, getting shit incredibly wrong and just fucking never including a pan perspective or really any input at all from anyone who isn’t bi already. So consider this also my opportunity to vent. If you never did any of the things I am about to talk about, congratulations, this is not about you. If you did any of them and never thought before about how it could ever be bad, it’s okay, now you know. If you think me, as a bi person, cannot talk about my own community about the issues I see inside of it, goodbye. Let’s start, shall we. 1. Always bringing out “the history of how pan is problematic actually” whenever anyone as much mention the existence of pan Let’s put it this way: bisexuality wasn’t always understood and defined by everyone as it was on the manifesto (published by the renamed Bi and Pan Network, funny how everybody forgets that!). If someone says it was, they are lying. There was a moment in which bisexual women and lesbian were one and the same. There was a moment in which bisexual was a biological term to talk about intersexual. Queer is literally a slur that we decided with time to take as our badge of honor. Literally every single word that queer people use for themselves had complicated histories and, yes, problematic ones too. But we don’t bring out how bisexual “is actually about being intersex” whenever bi people talk, we generally understand that telling to an openly queer person “you can’t use queer, that is a slur!” is on bad taste. And yet, some people feel way too fucking comfortable weaponizing their own understand of history whenever it comes to pan people and then making it our own problem, as if we have to respond to memes from the fucking 2012 about “hearts, not parts” in order to defend our right to exist as pan people now. I would never even think making every single bi person responsible for every single shitty thing a bi person has ever done, so why is okay to do it for pan people as a whole? Why I keep seeing long comments talking about “the history” whenever someone just talks about being pan at all and nobody calls that out as the shitty move that it is? By the way, this has another face: when a pan person talks about having a bad experience with the bi community, a bi person or literally anyone else, for being pan specifically, and some person comes bludging their way through to talk in direct response about how they have met pan people wanting to force to identify as pan when they are bi, as if they expect this pan to shut up about their own issues in order to respond for those fucking randos that have nothing to do with them or what they were talking about..This is rude, just in principle, but also so fucking entitled? To expect and demand attention for your complaints AS A RESPONSE to someone talking about their own grievances? Imagine that you literally just hurt yourself impacting your toe against the table, said “oh” and someone comes crashing the window to tell you that OH BUT YOUR TWICE REMOVE COUSIN THOUGH, he told me I am ugly, therefore you have nothing to complain about! It sounds absurd because it is absurd, and yet, so fucking normal to undermine pan people’s experiences like this. 2. They have the history all fucking wrong

On one hand you have the people who will actually use the manifesto (again, published by the Bi and Pan Network, in case you forgot) to try to define pansexuality out of existence. “See, see! Bi ALREADY means attraction to all gender so we don’t need pansexuality and therefore pansexual people are actually biphobes for even implying that our identity is not enough for everyone!” That exact same manifesto you all use as your hammer of truth literally tells you to fuck off. “Many of us choose not to label ourselves anything at all, and find the word 'bisexual' to be inadequate and too limiting. Do not assume that the opinions expressed are shared by all bisexuals, by those actively involved in the Bisexual Movement, by the ATM staff, or the BABN Board of Directors.”

The people who literally wrote the manifesto are supportive of people identifying as pan, so what the actual fuck do you think you are doing pretending as if our mere existence is somehow erasure? Those exact same people would think you are a fool. Just imagine how you look right now, not that different. On the other hand, you have supposed “experts” who will tell you, with absolutely confidence, that pansexuality originated in Tumblr, that was born out of MOGAI (which shows too how they DO NOT understand MOGAI either because the point of it was to include everyone, even bi, so technically speaking bi, lesbian and gay are also under the umbrella of MOGAI) because they screenshotted one image of the flag coming from a tumblr user. This is very fucking easy to debunk information. If you do want to research the history of pan, it’s not difficult to find at all. But these “experts” couldn’t be fucking bothered to do a single google research because, what, who cares, right? The cherry on top is when, from these misinformation, then they come out with even more fucking wild assumptions that literally anyone can debunk: things like how “nobody does pan activist offline” or how pan people do not have an actual history or activist history at all. Those are all fucking lies that panphobes just keep repeating without ever recieving the backlash that they deserve. 3. Every talk about panphobia has to be a talk about biphobia actually, panphobia doesn’t exist I can’t tell you the amount of times I have seen pan people talking any particular way they have been targetted for being pan (erasure, discrimination, you name it), only for the response to be “oh but I have lived the same and I am bi, therefore it’s actually biphobia and we should be talking about that first!” Like how fucking ass way is that to act.  An extension of this is on other things, like how people will say “I just define pan as bi with another name/it’s a microlabel for bi” and then are SHOCKED that you have the goal to call that panphobia. How can it panphobic if they recognize people can identify as pan? Shouldn’t be enough that they aren’t being attacked for using the label? The thing is, they do get attacked for using the label and saying “okay, but you are actually bi so it’s fine uwu” is just another form of erasure. Also another reason why many people prefer mspec as a umbrella term rather than “bi umbrela/bi spectrum”. Pansexual people, just like polysexual, omnisexual and trisexual identify as those term because those are the term that resonate with them, that describe their experience and just feel right to them. Can you not imagine for one second how insulting it is to have someone come and tell you that no, actually you are this other term you don’t want or have anything to do with, because we said so. Bisexuality is not a default identity. It’s a full identity on itself, just like pansexuality/polysexualy/omnisexuality are full identities on themselves that deserve their own recognition without being shoved with other group. 4. The belief that somehow pansexual people are “escaping” biphobia and are more accepted for being pan This is just blatantly, objectively, factually and logically wrong. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. Literally all the crap that bi people lived, pan people lived it as well but they also have to live with everything above and see it go unchallenged by very vocal bi “activists” who preach about how the rest of the LGBT+ community doesn’t support them and somehow never realize that doesn’t happen for pan people either. It’s not a competion, but if it was, why do you assume you would win by default? Being pan is not a escape of fucking anything except identifying specifically as bi. That is the only thing that changes, but the erasure, the discrimination, the people creating stereotypes about you, defining your identity without your consent, calling you names for using a label over another, treating you as an invader for coming into “monosexual spaces”, people considering you not enough straight and not enough queer? Pan people live all of that too, also from the LGBT+ community. And our bi siblings treating us as somehow the privileged bunch that don’t know what they go through doesn’t help shit. 5. All the faces of bi vs pan discourse

The mere fact that there is such a thing like battleaxe bis is frankly embarassing enough, it is embarassing for me, but then there is this whole attitude where we can’t even mention the existence of pan without bringing bi people first. The only time pan (bad) history is brought up is by talking about bi history. Pan people’s issues are rarely discuss with as much openness and support as bi people’s ones. I have yet to see a single “LGBT+ activist” on youtube making a single video about panphobia. But videos about bi vs pan discourse where they do literally everything I said above, and more, those even right now I keep seeing and I am so fucking tired that I am meant to see this as a good thing, as support, because see, they AKNOWLEDGE pansexuality exist, isn’t that enough? No, it isn’t. Pan people deserve more than that. We all do. They are not tag alongs, they are not a second thought, they are not just part of this fucking ridiculous joke of a discourse. They are an actual group of people who keep living and having issues even when June is over and peope move on. They are not “bi with another name”, “another name for bi”, “another face of bi”. They are full blown identities with our own long and complicated history beyond this fucking joke of a website, beyond your discourse, beyond the two pan people who told you “eh, shouldn’t you be pan if you like all?” one time in twitter or wherever the fuck, beyond any relationship with bisexuality as a whole. And it bother me so fucking much because it’s more about “bi and pan solidarity uwu!” rather than pan support, uplifting pan people, pan positivity, as if we don’t exist anywhere else and don’t have any other issues outside of this imaginery silly boxing match against bi people, who should be the people who understand pan people better than anyone else, should know exactly what it is to be redefined, ignored and talked over by other, but many, way too many, are not.  Fuck, I have even seen “activist” criticizing how pan people don’t go out to support bi people or fight for bi issues (which is a fucking lie, again, think the Bi and Pan Network) and yet have their entire body work being about bi people, bringing up pan just to say how injust is that have that label force on them when they are bi, just bi, entirely bi and not a flavor of pan. But pan people want to do the same for themselves, talk for their own shit for once and get accused of throwing bi people under the bus. It’s like people treat us as cojointed twins, but only one of them is generally accepted as their own individual while the other is kept in that same position no matter what they do. This is not to put down the bi community. I know we can be a welcoming, understanding, warm and open community. But we need to do better because right now, we are not doing that and this shit, this exact shit, only harm us all and won’t ever help us in the long run. Do better.

#andro is venting #panphobia mention #biphobia mention #queer stuff #lgbt+ stuff

[elch-im-ausland]

Monday Feb. 19 2024

I woke up a bit late around 10am. My host was also at home working on her art project that is going to be part of an exhibition in Karlsruhe next week so we had breakfast together (coffee and bread with butter, tomatoes, salt) and I ended up helping her film the video she was working on until 13. It's a bit complicated because she wants to film herself watching a short film (that she also made) and then film herself watching herself watch the film and then film herself watching herself watching herself watch the film and so on so we filmed a clip and then airdropped it to the Mac and the WeTransfered it to the old laptop that was connected to the TV and then put the new video on the TV screen. And she didn't even end up using the Monday footage because the lighting wasn't very good but she's fun to talk to so it was still fun. We also had this yummy but unusual tea that was Vanilla and Krauter (herbs? I think) flavor and she made pasta for lunch.

Then I went to the German Spy Museum, which my dad told me to check out and it was pretty cool, there are lots of interactive activities like a lie detector test and a laser maze and puzzles to solve. I think it would have been more fun as a kid (indeed there were lots of families with kids) but even with one other person to go with I would have been able to do the partner activities and maybe done the laser maze which seemed cool but I would have felt weird doing it by myself so idk. But there were also spy tools on display like mini radios, bags and lipstick with hidden cameras, a microphone hidden in a pen, and tiny audio recorders so it was really cool to see those. And everything was in English and German <3

After that I went to the Berlinische Galerie. I was a bit behind schedule so I only had about 90 minutes there. Never rush an art student at an art gallery cuz I love to examine every single piece and then read the little info card, think about the info card, look at the piece again, look at all the pieces on display in the same room, think about the connection between them all that the curator wanted to highlight, think about the information about the artist that was given at the start of the exhibit, think about what information may have been left out, think about what was happening in the world when the piece was made, how it makes me feel, how the artist achieved certain textures, relate the art to my own art, feel inadequate, get depressed, etc etc so I take a really long time and 90 minutes is not enough time even if the gallery is on the smaller side. But there were some cool exhibits.

The first installation by Nasan Tur was in a big room with taxidermied animals on the ground made to look like they were shot along with big paintings? of hands making shadow puppets and a video installation of a female hunter being interviewed.

Then there was a retrospective on Hans Uhlmann in the man section of the gallery. He was an engineer originally but then he became an artist and mostly made abstract, geometric metal sculptures and sketches, as well as abstract drawings with chalk. He has a few sculptures around Berlin. I had never heard of him before so it was really informative and beyond art he led an interesting life too.

There was also a room about urban planning I think, this part was all in German so I didn't fully get it. And another room about building structures with fungi, wood, and mud. In the center of the room was a little house the artists had constructed out of wood and fungi panels they grew themselves that you could sit inside on benches with pink and yellow pillows dyed with fungi dyes and there were guest book to sign as well it was really cute.

The second floor of the gallery is the permanent exhibition with classical, historical art. This is where I started to run out of time but I did see the impressionism and expressionism sections, as well as the Dada section (that one's always obvious because there's always some funky random shit happening, for instance in this room there was a figure of a pig suspended from the ceiling) but there were some Hannah Hoch pieces! Very cool to see in person. What was especially interesting about this section was that in almost every room there was a sensory version of a select painting. For example there was a Eugene Spiro painting titled Tänzerin Baladine Klossowska. It's of the painter's younger sister in a black ruffled dress with gold trim and in front of the painting is a 3-D relief version with a real fabric dress that people can touch if they can't see the painting. I'm not doing a good job explaining it so here's a picture but I'd never seen that before and I thought it was cool so there

Well after the gallery I was really tired from walking around and standing all day so I decided to go home and on the way I realized I was really hungry so I stopped at a restaurant and got wontons, Tom Kah Gai soup, and crispy chicken with green curry to go and had dinner at home. I met my host's other roommate who is the closest to my age. She is studying something computer science-adjacent, it include mechanics in some way and on Tuesday she has her final semester project (building a rocket from scratch, predicting the trajectory, launching the rocket and hoping that the parachute opens and the rocket survives the landing). She was also very nice. Sadly I ordered too much food so I had to save some for Tuesday but it was actually quite tasty and spicy which I could never say about Asian food in Stuttgart.

After dinner my host and I talked about art. I showed her the photobook I made for my photography class and she showed me the photographs she had taken for her classes and was trying to decide which ones to take with her to the exhibition. She's a really good artist, I felt a bit silly showing her my stuff and then she pulls out these innovative and abstract photos that look really cool. I seriously think she's amazing but idk I tried not to be weird about it since we just met.

Then I went to bed because my feets and my legs hurt

#germany #study abroad #travel abroad #berlin

[anxhoredheart]

( daniel ezra, cis man, he / him ) — 🎬 just announced, ziggy thomas is casted as jake in upcoming freaky friday movie reboot. the twenty nine year old is trending as people are debating if the facing a world of sky-high penthouses with a phone full of contacts yet a phone that never rings, facing a stranger in the mirror every day, missing the passion you once lost, the hope to turn the hands of fate && time and start again that they are known for is enough to make them as good as original. a quick google search shows that their fans call them perceptive, but internet trolls think they’re more self-centered. i guess their newest interview for variety where they talk about trying to break free from the villain archetype they found themselves stuck in for years since their last big project will let people to know them better.

basics:

this is under co.

traits: dignified, prideful, on the quiet side, observant, materialistic, close-minded, goal oriented, eloquent, passive, intuitive, realistic, aloof.

relationship status: ... it's complicated.

sexuality: heterosexual but not entirely close-minded to exploration.

religion: raised loosely christian, still loosely identifies but doesn't practice.

date of birth:  october 11th.

zodiac sign: libra.

skills & hobbies:

dislikes & fears:

quirks:

fun fact: won ' manhatten's most perfect baby ' before he was the age of 2. turned down the option to star in you.

pets: none, he doesn't feel he has the time.

family: single mother, only child, relationship with mommy dearest is strained at best.

credits: plays assholes && villains, mainly. includes gale hawthone (hunger games), nate jacobs (euphoria), richie kirsch (scream 5), and he who remains (loki) more recently, but there are others along this general douche-y vibe. he also has done LOTS of modeling.

backstory:

when your mom spearheads a fashion label, going as far to quest judge on rupaul's drag race once upon a time, you grow up with a level of expectation that most children do not. you must be well-dressed, looking your best, behaving your best, and shiny as a trophy for the eyes to see.

acting began, originally, as ziggy's way to escape the spotlight. to be someone new, someone else, just for a bit, just to feel like he had found a place in the world, even in a fictional role.

he grew up on the sidelines of runways, in private airplanes, and bouncing between paris && milan && london, new york && chicago && beverley hills... manhatten was home, but his mother had offices && businesses everywhere.

there was little he wanted for, except some peace && quiet.

fueling his energy into devious roles was a great way to change the pace, and as he got further into his 20s, he dropped modeling entirely to focus on his acting... but then he realized, every single script his agent brought him was the same. once again, the universe had decided his role, and now he was trying to depart from it.

he doesn't want to play the jerks anymore. the media calls him the perfect face for villainy, the asshole you love to hate, the bad boy with the bad heart vibes. every little misdeed he took in his personal life was blown up on the media, and he found every step taken only painted a worse picture of him, try as hard as he might to break out of it.

almost 2 years ago, ziggy fired his agent, fired his manager, took control of his own social media, went dark, and has been trying to build up a whole new reputation ever since. playing the beloved himbo jake with a heart of gold && winning smile?

ziggy hopes this is his ticket to a new kind of fame.

he hopes this is step one in just... learning how to be himself.

wanted connections:

rich bitch brigade: pretty much as it sounds, these are part of the elite, probably have been friends (frenemies?) for years, and yet have formed a little clique of hard-earned respect, trust, and bad blood. think gossip girl style friends who have years of shit, yet stay close in their own ways.

his rival: the guy who keeps getting the roles he wants - always plays the golden boy, the sweetheart, the heartthrob hunk with a great personality, everyone's favorite male lead... they are civil on the surface but its obvious ziggy has jealousy.

an ex or two?: everyone, especially the fans && media, knows that ziggy && charlie have always found a way back to one another, so no one has really taken his other relationships seriously. maybe there were real feelings, or maybe they were for pr to distance himself from other rumors, or maybe he was used.

fashion industry connections: he started in fashion thanks to his mom who owns a fashion empire of her own (think similar to the row, by the olson twins?) and he was a model long before he was an actor. now, he no longer models unless it's for brand campaigns or promotional material, but would still love to have some long-term connections from when he was more active.

hunger games/scream/euphoria castmates: other og hunger games stars - he played gale when he was about 17. he played richie kirsch in scream, and nate jacobs in euphoria.

some sort of paternal/maternal figure: his mom was... not around much, and more of a ghost than a parent. he was bounced around from nannies to assistants to housekeepers, and essentially, raised himself with little assistance. it would be great if an older actor could prove as a mentor... not in acting, but in personal life, emotions, social settings, love, etc. would be even better if this was a co-star in the freaky friday movie, like the fiance to tess, tess, pei pei, etc!

taken connections:

#2000.intro #. << MUSE >> . ZIGGY