#but... ah well. what can ya do?

[public-trans-it]

If you are trans, how do you have an alter that isn't? (I'm asking out of ignorance and genuine curiosity, not malice. I know you haven't had the best anons lately)

Thank you for the parenthetical on that one. I didn't read it that way at all, but I appreciate someone going out of their way to specify that it's just curiosity and not someone sealioning. I also just love parentheticals in general. Feel free to ask more, or DM me! I'm happy to go into more depth.

The answer is quite simple: I'm just gonna force femme him, duh. (Okay, no, not really)

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A warning upfront: This post is likely going to be written by multiple alters. Expect sudden shifts in tone, as well as shifts between first - and third-person perspectives. It's also gonna be a lot of rambling. I'm going to fucking hate it tbh. But I'm also more than happy to elaborate on specifics. The joys of having conflicting opinions on a single topic.

For context, this ask is in reply to this previous post I made about DID, how I feel names relate to it, and how i feel my experience differs from other peoples. In it, I mention that not all of my alters are trans.

It just feels... cringe. Like, I know that is probably certainly internalized ablism. But any time I discuss my own internal thought processes and the fact that there are just straight up other versions of me in there, I can't help but think I feel like one of those really awkwardly written teenagers in media who like... pretend to be possessed by demons and stuff. Part of it is also a little bit of fear.

That was... a bit of an oversimplification. It is rather difficult to go into detail, especially when the alter in question is the one who least likes talking about the experience of being plural.

While I don't talk about it with others, and will absolutely interrupt any attempts to map it out, I AM at least somewhat aware of how my system is shaped and who is in it. And that not everyone who used to be in it is still in there. There are versions of myself that are just... gone. And I know one of the things that results in that is too much internal reflection. So I just... don't.

Am I trans? I mean, Ceetee is, and I'm Ceetee, so probably. But I'm also the one who doesn't have that luxury. I'm the one who has to go to work. I'm the one who has to go by He/Him pronouns. I'm the one who answers when someone calls our deadname. And that is too important a part to risk losing to introspection, and the effect that has on us.

We are on HRT, the body we are in is going to change. We are looking forward to potentially going under the knife in the future. Lipofilly, vaginoplasty, etc. That's going to complicated things. I genuinely don't even know if I will still exist after that. I have plans on how to handle our social transition, that might make it smoother, but... again, I don't have the privilege of thinking on it too much.

Its... really difficult to write this out honestly. All of our discussion happens internally, thanks to us losing our amnesiac barrier a few years ago (thank God for that. Huge increase to our quality of life.) We would probably benefit from just making a discord server for just us, and using pluralkit or the like to talk with each other. But the idea of differentiating each other externally is HORRIFYING.

So instead, I'm the one handling our HRT. I have to, because he isn't willing to for the reasons mentioned above. And I can't even really discuss it well because he gets in the way a lot. Which I don't fault him for, it's his job, it's literally why he exists, and the several years I went with him not being involved socially were... extremely rough. I genuinely feel privileged to have him taking the brunt of all that for me. The nice thing about DID is it's actually a GREAT way to delegate tasks. If he represents the parts of us that don't have the privilege of changing, I can represent the parts of us that can.

But the truth is, all of us in here are undergoing an HRT we don't actually WANT. It gets us closer to a more comfortable body to live in, but it will never be possible to achieve a body ALL of us are happy with. We all have different gender goals, and as long as we are all stuck in the same body, there is no such thing as 'Gender affirmation'. That's why I use the label Aegogender. Looking it up, there is... not a lot of description of it. But for me, it has a very clear interaction with dissociative disorders.

I'm not genderless. Every single one of us in here has a gender. And they are not all the same. Which means our system cannot have a single gender. ANY transition will, by definition, go against the goals of others in the system. There is no way for all of us to be happy in this body, as long as we all have to share a single body. My "true" ideal body, would be an incorporeal hivemind piloting 3 or 4 bodies. Leaving us all connected to each other, but with our own individuality.

This is, obviously, NOT POSSIBLE. So HRT is the compromise.

Every single one of us is trans, even the one still going by He/Him and using our deadname. And so, just becoming something DIFFERENT is good enough for now. No solution has to be perfect forever. If we need to do something different in the future, we can just do something different in the future! We don't NEED to figure all of this out now.

I mentioned in the tags of my detransition post that I have a lot more complicated feelings about detransition. This is why. I fundamentally identify more with the concept of being a creature capable of change, than I do with any single gender.

Which means... once I transition, I'll almost certainly end up transitioning again. From what to what? I have NO IDEA. Will I end up detransitioning? Maybe. Will I end up pursuing some completely different presentation? Maybe. I dont know. I'm not that person yet.

I'm just gonna have to wait and see who manages to last that long, and what is best for all of us.

#this got EXTREMELY personal and intimate #which isnt to say dont read it #im happy to be an open book #this shit is COMPLICATED and even a single person seeing themselves in this and feeling seen makes it worth the effort to write #so... thank you for the chance to talk about this anon #i kinda thought i would keep it bottled up for a lot longer #and tbh i am still keeping some of the detrans gender feels bottled #but... ah well. what can ya do? #text essay #gender #plurality #detransition

[boghermit]

It was nice outside today

#my art #it's crooked but ah well what can ya do

[xmaveria]

Cacthoughts and a redrew for the bird band

#ocs #anthro #birds #I tell ya Terus would sit on a cactus sometimes for too long #Rosita and Libri get worried but ah well what can they do #also birbs biting like birds do pretty sure Libri would try their best to bite hard alas the beak is just as strong as a straw #whose hand is that you ask? well ofc they're biting Val's! what a crossover #my art #terus #rosita #libri

[liskobot]

aaand also a very swiftly made collage of everyone together

#mmvweek #stardroids #my art #sketches #all the colors don't exactly mesh well in one piece but ah well what can ya do lol

[compassionately]

Figured I would post this song poetry I wrote earlier this year; my ex boyfriend had received bad news and was very depressed following it, so when he went to bed that night, I stayed up until ~8am writing this for him

#my writing #I wonder if he kept it? I still have an old drawing he made for me. I wish I had kept some other things he made #Ah well... what can ya do #The original songs were in Japanese which is why there is these two photos - the English is the translation

[allofuswantgwinam]

my mom literally wants to be clueless and im so sick of hearing her say that

#this is why the world is fucked #bc people like her that don’t wanna give a fuck about ANYTHING #as long as she’s fine and I’m fine #well jokes on her I’m not fucking fine #im pissed #we didn’t argue about anything she just literally is like ‘I don’t wanna be i formed’ #but by golly she up Donald Trumps ass hatin him #THATS ALL SHE CARES ABOUT #AHE THINKS HE RUINED THE WORLD #BISH ITS BEEN RUINED #IM SO DONE WITH PEOPLE RN #I THINK IM PMSING TOO #WHUCH DOESNT MATTER BC THIS IS ALL LEGIT FEELINGS BUT YA KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN #I told her about the HB 500 trial thing going on in ky where they’re tryin to fuck with workers rights #and she said “no they can’t do that GIRL HAVE YOU LEARNE DANTTHING #THEY CAN AND WILL DO WHATEVER TF THEY WANT TO US #Jesus fuckin Christ #this woman’s gonna make me lose my mfing mind #I just stfu. I didn’t elaborate shit #no reason bc im just wrong and don’t know shit even tho I pay attention #not her #ME #but I’m fucking always wrong

[monomori3]

oh thats so sweet!

SHOVES YOU IN THE PAPER SHREDDER

WAH-- naoooooo

#a wild ask appeared #glitchy bestie #ah well. if the squibb declares it then guess i must die #what can ya do

[agayconcept]

.

#oh for fucks sake #if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g #she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up #which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares) #so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc #and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.' #she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things' #bitch WHAT THINGS ????? #exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ???? #do u Hear urself ?? #now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up) #and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour #'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!' #ma'am... #a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest #b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt #c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit. #whaT ????? #god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit #not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her) #jesus fUcking chrisT #i gotta get out of here #this woman is so immensely hateful #ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times) #fuuuuuck me. #anyway. #negative #ableism #verbal abuse #ask to tag

[piplupod]

head in my hands. i promise i am not a scary unhinged person fdsgjkl, and none of my silly happy posting is fake, i am just very good at repressing and partitioning things. i can be having the worst day of my life and still enjoy jokes and be genuinely having a good time with my silly little characters and stories i come up with. this brain LOVES to section off shit that is genuinely unbearable (because how else do you live with that? if not putting it in a place where you cannot feel it?) so that i can cope and find joy in life still fsdjkl i simply love having a good time too much to ever make it up

#pippen needs 2nd breakfast #i want to make friends and be a pleasant person to be around so badly but fhdsjkl then . this household hurts me as it is wont to do #and i have a small breakdown here bc it all feels so awful and i feel like if i keep it locked inside and hidden i will actually CrackTM #and then i feel like that is . well. understandably! a lot! for other ppl to see #and it is very upsetting and scary and awful to read. i know. im so well aware fjdskl #but also augh. augh augh augh. i try very hard to not post abt things as much as i humanly can avoid doing so #but i am very silly and fuck up my own rules for myself when i have a particularly bad experience w mother o' mine #i am worried that if i say anything to the effect of ''life is terrible and i am straight up not having a good time'' #then it makes all my other posting look disingenuous or smth. i am literally just posting what is on my brain currently when i post stuff #and oftentimes my brain is like... a silly little swirl-patterned rubber bouncy ball with a happy face on it HDSGJKL #that is like... a lot of my whole deal as a part of the brain fsdfjkl #even with all the grief and upset i can still have a good time bc we stay silly !!!! by god we stay silly through it all !!! #i will shrug my shoulders and say ''ah well what can ya do!'' after getting screamed at or told i'm a disappointment to the family lmfao #because honestly... what can you do dsfkl it is what it is and theres rly nothing i can do about this all #anyways i am talking toooooo much sorry fdsjgkl once again i will delete all this later so i dont upset ppl too much dsjkl augh augh sorry

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words. #i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that? #i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

[enthusiastic-nimrod]

A... painting? I did because I desperately needed a break from another project I’m working on. 

Probably didn’t go hard enough on contrasting lighting, but it was fun to do!

#illustration #digital painting #kinda #I had a fun time w this #tho in hindsight I wish I'd done an affect so the noodle dragon was more vibrant when closer #and paler when they got farther away #like I did with the environment #ah well #hindsight is 20/20 #and 60% of this project was just vibing so #what can ya do

[flowerflamestars]

Migration Patterns snippet

Amsterdam was Talia’s now, and he’d started there.   It was a quick, easy shot that brought him to Bruges, warm seventeenth century stone worn beloved by the rotted out heart of a retired master weapons maker.   They bought their guns. Armed themselves all the way across the world. But the daggers- the mark of belonging, of rank, came only from within.   He was the best- had been the best to live that long, before Jason put two bullets in his skull.   The girl had been dead for a longer.   She looked, like any second, if Jason could ignore division and missing pieces, like she could take a breath. He could track the way light would move across the room from the marks of faded color on her clothes, slow decaying of fabric. Dressed not just for another decade, but another era entirely.   The fucker had kept it all.   Hairpins. Her hat. A little valise, cracked open to reveal outdated currency and letters yellowed beyond repair. A person, a life, trophies- he hadn’t known where the magic ended, and it was the worst goddam thing Jason had even seen.   A still witch- outside time, outside nature.   If she’d died in this very room seventy, eighty years ago, there was no evidence left to tell of it. No blood, no rot, nothing-   The death of a witch, to kill other witches.   She didn’t look like Elle. Magic didn’t seem to work like that, for all Jason knew, it just was- but in the light, her hair was nearly the same color. His eyes kept catching on it, deep, rich brown remaining intact on one side.   There was a horrible delicacy to it- used and divided so slow, a fucking prize-  Dick answered his phone on the third ring, out of breath from a laugh. “Jason”-  Jason closed his eyes. Turned his back on the worktable, the desk, that snow white coffin’s half a remaining face, and felt more than saw the warm out of season sun slip back behind dense clouds. “Are you with Llewellyn?”   “Yes,” Dick said, and the laugh was gone, “Did something- is Elle okay?”   Blind, Jason pressed his head into the window frame hard enough to hurt. Considered banging his skull against it a few times.   “I need you to give the phone to Llewellyn.”   He didn’t say he’d explain later, and Dick didn’t ask. He would have, three, five years ago. Instead, there was a pause, weight soft, just the sound of his brother breathing before, brisk and accented in his ear, “Todd?”   “You’re a magic doctor,” Jason swallowed, “What do you do with the bodies?”

#this is a romcom AND A HORROR SHOW BABES #Did Jason run away to Europe because he was freaking out? #yes #did he run away with A PLAN? also yes #sure he can't talk to Elle while stuck on processing the...ya know incorrect assumption he's a source of literal pain in her life #but you know what he can do? #kill all enemies of her and witchkind #totally a normal response #TOTALLY NOT AN INKLING OF GROWING HEARTFELT DEVOTION #he can't clean the blood on his hands #but he can make sure all the blood that follows might as well be in her name #Wells: ah yes this is the most normal #migration patterns ot turdidae #this chapter has everything in the best and worst ways

[shooks-stupid-stuff]

sadly, i didn't actually have the time to plan anything for april fools this year. which sucks because it's like. my favorite holiday. i've just been so busy between school and all the art im working on and other personal projects, i just... didn't have time :[

uhhh but to make up for that! im gonna be streaming again finally tonight lol- just gonna be playing some pizza tower and chilling with a few friends, nothing major.

i'll post a link when it starts!! it should be a real fun time :]

#shook rambles #genuinely upset i didn't have anything planned man #ah well. what can ya do #the essays they killed me lmao-

[trollbreak]

“I have too many characters, I don’t need another one,” I say, already falling in love with another half baked character concept

#guy who’s a gross little lady. she’s got 0 stamina but chronic pain can do that to ya. but she collects scrap and uses it to make anything #she can. and she and aurrel tousle sometimes and he started going easy on her but was like ah u parkour with junie and have built some #muscle. wuh oh. like u can probs outlast her in a fight but at what cost. and she fights dirty if it’s anything serious #lady who’s just a little guy. aurrel is trying to teach her how to sew and is Astounded by how often she gets injured. he’s like please I #do so much while sewing how did you hurt yourself so fast. and she’s like well in my defense the needle is very sharp. and he’s like YOU #HAVE TO PUSH HARDER WHEN ITS DULL and she’s like idk lol #she sews like I do needlefelting. with a lot of blood but also determination. and cussing.

[jellifishies]

Having adhd and anxiety is neat because whenever the anxiety gets too bad I just do something distracting and will forget whatever it was I was anxious about

Although this does mean that whenever the executive dysfunction hits, the self loathing is all the worse thx to the anxiety ://

#having a panic attack in physics?? dw bro just read some fanfic for a bit and you'll be grand #the unfortunate side effect is that ive accidentally pavloved myself into thinking snowbaz = calm and safety :/ #ah well what can ya do

[loudmouthedllama]

Also super obvious you send the praise anons to yourself

I'M SORRY... :(

If it's such a bad take, then why are people taking my fucking icon I made for 'em? Hm?

#llama speaks #llama don't care #llama #Also wanna trade blog info? #I can gladly give you my shit to prove to you I ain't sending the praise. #Bet? $500 says I win. #Ah shit ya ain't got that probably #Well not enough ya can just go betting it off huh? #Not when ya job dehumanizing and cyber bullying someone else for stating opinions huh? #Fyi they ain't meant to be reblogged unless specific posts on here. #Why the fuck would someone want to reblog the opinion of a fucking llama? #ya are the ones appropriating GAY CULTURE AND USING OUR SUFFERING FOR YA TWISTED SAME SEX SHIP FETISHES #But that obviously ain't a bad take on yas end huh? My fucking bad. BIGOT #THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU SHEEP NOT LLAMA #Did ya get ya attention? #I ain't need notes to feel validated... YA OBVIOUSLY DO. #Also hey dumbass most of the reblogs are my fucking pinned and my first post #That was just to get ya attention #It fucking worked