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#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it
opens-up-4-nobody
·
1 year
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#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears
#speaking against something that hurts
#laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing
#the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.
#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it
#but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do
#but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at
#inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?
#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn
#and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great
#but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they
#think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i
#struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those
#connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just
#it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent
#or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them
#i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad
#student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever
#but its fine. ya kno
#just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy
#and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough
#ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have
#0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box
#i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess
#abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times
#i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha
#unrelated
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