#the part that handles the Big Stuff is Offline at the moment actually. not me thinking ive just been coping really well lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tresenellaart · 10 months

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The Big Life Update!

Um, hi everyone! Long time no see huh? In fact, it’s been a very, very long time. 5 years ago I nearly dropped off the face of the internet, and while some of you might have caught a glimpse of my work here and there, I've been almost completely offline and I've kept away from all social sites ever since.

Around 2017-2018, I found myself very lost artistically. I hit a hard wall where I wouldn’t know where to go next, what project to embark on. I had many ideas, but all of them seemed to evaporate into nothing the moment I sat down to flesh them out. I felt extremely apathetic creatively, eventually stopped uploading any art, and sank most of my time into gaming or mindlessly watching videos and streams. My partner at the time helped me gather the strength to look for a job, but without any formal education or previous jobs I could refer to, I tried my luck on Fiverr.

My experience on Fiverr was… mostly terrible. Being paid very little for a lot of hard work, and having to deal with some problematic clients and tight deadlines, really took a toll on me. My time there did send me on a path that I wouldn’t have expected though. I was contacted by a game dev to do a character design for a little wizard character. This person was quite pleased with my work, and continued to ask me for art for a second character, then some test animations… And soon I found myself handling all the art and music for the game, in what’s been my job for 5 years. The game is called Enchanted Portals, and it’ll be releasing later this year!

It’s been… a wild ride. The game’s very heavily inspired by Cuphead, with very similar art-style and gameplay. My boss, being an avid fan of the original, was very passionate about creating his own take on the genre, but maybe not surprisingly, the initial reaction to unveiling the first trailer was one of mass rejection and hate towards it. A useless ripoff! An inferior clone! I hope they get sued for this! Instead of the love letter from a fan that it actually is, it was mostly seen as a ploy from some greedy studio to make a quick buck. Didn’t help that the trailer reached a lot more people than we could’ve ever anticipated.

I can’t really call the game mine in any way, as I’ve mostly just been hired to make art and music assets for it, but the wave of hate was still quite overwhelming and soul-crushing for me. Is this all I’m gonna be known for now? Is this hate going to follow me forever? That creative black hole I had found myself in before, grew even bigger. I didn’t want to be public online again. I wanted to disappear. I couldn’t work on anything creative outside of my job anymore. I was burnt out, scared of the world, feeling completely defeated.

I was very fortunate to be contacted by a long time friend from my early DeviantArt days, someone that, despite my lengthy online disappearances, would make an effort to send me a message from time to time to catch up. We started talking very regularly, and she got me interested in a project she was part of, a fandub of the webcomic Rain by Jocelyn Samara D. (that I’m sure a lot of you know already). We toyed with the idea of upgrading the project into a full animated series, a pretty ambitious task since I’d be the only one animating, but my creative spark was immediately reignited. Working on Rain was such a joy, and a rekindling of everything I love about creating art. The project hit some serious bumps along the road, but it’s still going strong now, and while it’s been really slow working on it on top of my job, it’s been the best artistic experience I’ve had in a very long time. If you want to check it out, here’s the Rain: TAS Youtube channel! We just released a new short!

This long time friend has since become my girlfriend, and we’ve embarked on other wonderful projects together. If you want to check out some of our other stuff, we have a wonderful world of gay fae bugs in the making too!

Despite all of these exciting new personal projects I’ve embarked on recently, coming out of my bubble has still been a huge struggle. Posting on my own accounts, drawing new strips for my webcomic, uploading anything that's more personal, still fills me with fear and anxiety. I really want to get out of my comfort zone and start posting again, being more active online, reaching out to new people, sharing my art with others once more. I miss it all dearly. And I know people have been missing my art too, and some have even been seriously worried about my well-being. I sincerely apologize if I made any of you worry too much! ^^;

I hope this post is the first step in a long new creative journey for me. I’ll do my best to leave my shell, and to build myself and my art back up again. There’s so much wonderful stuff I want to do, and to show to the world! Stay tuned!

#journal #personal post #life update

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elitegymnastics · 3 years

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Q: What is this?

A: It’s a flyer for a virtual fundraiser on June 4th that Elite Gymnastics is playing. You can access the show at quietyear.com

Q: Hasn’t Elite Gymnastics been inactive for like, ten years?

A: Yes. This is the first Elite Gymnastics performance of any kind since November 30th 2012, at the Horn Gallery at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio.

Q: Why did Elite Gymnastics stop playing shows?

A: Elite Gymnastics started out as me (Jaime) and a bunch of my friends agreeing to help me play my songs live back in 2009. I made a lot of weird demos in GarageBand and my friend Dominique Davis from the band Dearling Physique got tired of watching me sit on them. So, he booked me to play at a show he was curating as part of a small local music and arts festival called Clapperclaw. For several months that’s mainly what EG was. At some point the focus shifted to making recordings rather than playing shows, to participate in the emergent culture of new music distributed via MP3 file-sharing. The lineup winnowed to just me and Josh Clancy, who began creating digital EPs that we posted on this Tumblr page as ZIP files full of MP3s accompanied by a PDF of artwork. This is the incarnation of the group that most people are familiar with.

This was before Patreon existed. If Bandcamp was around, we’d never heard of it. Though MP3 file-sharing culture and file transfer sites like MediaFire and MegaUpload allowed anyone to distribute music freely across the world via the internet, it was still pretty difficult to get people to pay you for it. I think it was for this reason that a lot of internet music back then featured a lot of sampling. A lot of artists’ first forays into the world of DAWs and production took the form of mash-ups, bootleg remixes, and DJ mixes. Artists like Animal Collective, MIA, Kanye West, and Daft Punk for whom sampling was a pillar of their creative process were extremely influential. Elite Gymnastics was no exception - the first song of ours to gain traction online was “Is This On Me?” which made no attempt to hide the fact that it heavily sampled Faye Wong’s “Eyes On Me.” The fact that it was so difficult to make money off MP3s pushed people to make different creative decisions than they would have otherwise. It was sort of a free-for-all.

Eventually, all of this started to change. The major labels started getting a lot more aggressive about trying to destroy MP3 file-sharing culture. Platforms like MegaUpload were raided and taken offline. The replacements that sprung up to replace them were increasingly infested with ads and malware. Corporate platforms like YouTube and SoundCloud adopted Content ID filters to prevent the proliferation of copyrighted music there. Blogs and private torrent trackers being taken down meant thousands of hours of labor were wiped out in an instant. Some of the best archives of the history of recorded music ever created were destroyed without hesitation. Even the most devoted participants lost the will to keep repairing and re-making the stuff that cops and record companies kept obliterating.

Josh and I both dreamed of being able to make a living as musicians. We still do. Back then, we were willing to accept a lot of changes in order to make that possible, which seemed necessary. A lot of the stuff that we were great at just didn’t make any money. Once, we were asked to do a remix of a song called “Sa Sa Samoa” by the band Korallreven. I did the remix by myself, which was normal for us, and Josh was so inspired by it that he spent a week working non-stop to create a video for it. People loved it - the day the video dropped, Pitchfork designated the song as a “Best New Track” and New York Magazine wrote about it in their “Approval Matrix.” The video led to a ton of exposure, but from a financial perspective, it just did not make sense to put that much effort into promoting a remix of someone else’s song. The stuff we were personally excited by just seemed to have less and less to do with what actually makes money.

A lot of internet bands during this era began to palpably shapeshift in an effort to succeed in music as a career. Artists who’d first attracted notice for sample-based bangers they made on a laptop started posing with vintage hardware in their press photos and trading in their laptops for live bands and recording studios. It became harder to distribute DJ mixes or mash-ups that contained copyrighted music in them. Influential bloggers either closed up shop or were absorbed into the traditional music industry in some way. Feeds that once touted bizarre songs by laptop-toting weirdos with no industry connections started to become populated mostly by artists with labels and publicists. The bottom rungs of festival lineups started to consist mostly of new major label signings who have lots of money to spend on stage production but not much in the way of grassroots fan enthusiasm or media buzz.

Internet music and what people tend to refer to as “indie music” split off into two separate streams. Today, there’s a pretty intense firewall between internet culture and whatever you want to call the culture of vinyl records, mid-sized indie labels with publicists, and positive reviews from the few remaining websites that still pay people to write about music. I call it “publicist indie,” “lifestyle techno,” or “prestige electronica” depending on whether or not the music features guitars and/or vocals. The recent online kerfuffle about NFTs really emphasized this split. The worlds of digital illustration and game development campaigned aggressively against mass adoption of cryptocurrency - if you saw any Medium posts explaining crypto’s environmental issues, chances are they were written by someone from those fields. Every new announcement by an artist that they had minted an NFT was met with a swift and vocal backlash from fans. Though I’ve never really been much of an Aphex Twin fan, it was still pretty startling to look at the replies under his NFT announcement tweet and see hundreds of furious people announcing that he was now dead to them. That’s an artist who has seemed more or less unimpeachable for most of my life up until this point! All of that seemed to change in an instant.

There is a massive disconnect between the insular world of the industry establishment and the cutting edge of online counterculture. We saw this again a couple of weeks ago with the online response to the crisis in Gaza. We saw passionate advocacy for Palestinians from games journalists and developers much more often than we saw it from musicians. This is a very serious problem for music! I do not believe it is possible to please both sides - that is to say, I do not believe it is possible to be part of internet counterculture and the industry establishment simultaneously. The music industry is too conservative, too compromised, too corrupt. If it weren’t for the ocean of valuable copyrights that labels are sitting on, most of them would be bankrupt within a year. If the industry was forced to live or die based on how they handle what’s happening right now in the present, it would most assuredly die. The only people who don’t realize this are those who are being paid to stay ignorant.

Josh and I did not know this back then. From where we were standing, it looked like internet culture and established media industries were on track to converge. A career in the arts seemed genuinely, tantalizingly possible, right up until the moment that it no longer did.

In my case, I had really been struggling up until that point. My life had been this ongoing sequence of evictions and hospitalizations, and it seemed to be getting worse, not better. I donated plasma twice a week to pay for groceries and while I was sitting there with a giant needle stuck in my left arm for an hour I would see my picture in The Fader or my songs being recommended by one of the Kings of Leon on Twitter or whatever. Music seemed like the only thing the world thought I was any good at. It felt like my only chance at a peaceful, happy life was somewhere out there in a world I could only perceive through a laptop screen.

Gender, for me, was a big factor in all of this. The more invested in the craft of songwriting I became, the harder it was to repress or ignore my gender stuff. At that time I’m not sure I even knew what the word “transgender” meant - I just knew that when I showed up at a venue wearing a skirt, no one would talk to me or look me in the eye, and that reading about people like Anohni or Terre Thaemlitz or on the internet made me feel like if I could get out of Minneapolis maybe I could find a place where people would accept me. The internet was like, a pretty toxic place for someone in my position. When I tried to find people to talk to about what I was feeling, nobody tried to tell me to read Judith Butler or ask me what pronouns I preferred. The internet was just like, overrun with predators who just wanted to fetishize me and exploit me. Music seemed like the only way I’d ever have an actual life as myself. I was desperate for that. I was well and truly desperate.

Between all the big changes that were happening to us individually and the music industry moving farther and farther away of the anarchic free-for-all of MP3 file-sharing culture, the strain on us just got to be too much. We stopped trusting each other. We became the unstoppable force and the immovable object, crashing haphazardly against one another’s resolve in a dazzling display of youthful futility. Our partnership ended, and after finishing out the remaining live shows on the calendar by myself, I retired the name “Elite Gymnastics” and started making music on my own under other names. That was that.

Q: Why is Elite Gymnastics coming back now, then?

A: Over the years, Josh and I eventually started talking again. Though there was a lot we did agree on, and potential future projects were discussed, nothing truly felt right. We haven’t been in the same room since Summer 2012, and we’ve both changed a lot since then. We both have other projects and we’ve both developed other ways of working since we stopped working together. It’s a pretty big commitment to put all of that aside in order to join your fortunes together with someone you haven’t seen in a decade.

Recently, Josh decided to leave Elite Gymnastics. His reasons are his own, and I was very surprised by his decision, but after having had time to adjust, I’m really grateful to him. I had kept these songs at a distance for many years, because it seemed foolish to allow myself to get too attached to songs I didn’t feel like I was allowed to think of as mine, if that makes any sense. The songs felt like casualties of a conflict that I had to bury in the ground and try to forget about. Being able to embrace them again felt like re-growing a severed limb or having a loved one come back to life, almost. Feeling like it was safe to love these songs again made me feel whole in a way I didn’t expect to. I became really excited by the prospect of revisiting them, so that’s what I decided to do.

Q: Does this mean you’re going to put RUIN back on Spotify?

A: No. Taking the record off Spotify was the right thing to do. That record was only ever intended to exist during the era of MP3 piracy. I never envisioned a world where the music industry would be so aggressive about policing the way that copyrighted music is allowed to exist online. If we hadn’t opted to take the record down when we did, someone would inevitably have forced us to. If you want to hear those specific recordings again, you’re going to have to do it the way we originally intended: by downloading MP3 files from the internet. Try SoulSeek.

Q: What’s next for Elite Gymnastics, then?

A: Here’s the situation currently. There is no Elite Gymnastics music available to stream or purchase in an official capacity anywhere on the internet. It wouldn’t really be possible for me to put the old stuff on Spotify or Bandcamp now because of all the samples. Like I said before, it was a different time. Those records were created to thrive on a past version of the internet that no longer exists. They weren’t designed to be compatible with the 2021 internet.

Technically, Elite Gymnastics didn’t ever release a debut album. We had EPs, a compilation, and a remix collection. We didn’t make an album, a record that existed as the distillation of all that experimentation that contained all of the songs that fans of the EPs would want to hear, all in one place. It’s like we did Good Fridays but stopped before we made My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

So, I am currently working on the first Elite Gymnastics album. If you were following my stuff as Default Genders, you may have noticed me posting demos on my SoundCloud page from 2015-2018 that were all eventually reworked into the album Main Pop Girl 2019. The album I am making is taking that approach to all the old EG songs, including some unreleased stuff. I’m collaborating with others on some songs and I honestly feel like it has resulted in some of the best and most exciting music I have ever been involved with. It is a drastic reinvention, but iteration and reinvention have always been a big part of what I do. I want to make something that feels like the culmination of everything that came before, and so far, I think I’m succeeding.

Q: When will I be able to hear this new music?

At a virtual fundraiser on June 4th, 2021, where there is a suggested donation of $10. You can access it at quietyear.com

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just-dreaming-marvel · 4 years

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SIXTY FIVE - PETER AND NED

LEGACY: A Tony Stark Daughter Story

MASTERLIST

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Word Count: 1,875ish

Summary: Bailey is visited by Peter and his friend, Ned.

Peter and I trained almost every weekday together for months. We would go on a run, then spar, and some nights would go out on patrol in our suits. We talked almost everyday, he was my only friend, really the only person I talked to. I ignored every one of Tony’s calls that came through SARAH, eventually having her not notify me when he’s called. And Peter, for all I knew, never mentioned me to Happy. I failed to keep the promise I had made to Pepper to keep in touch.

The nights that we didn’t go on patrol together, Peter went alone. A few weeks back he stopped some criminals from robbing an ATM, the criminals had some advanced alien weapons. So I’ve been helping him keep an eye on that. That same night, Peter’s best friend Ned found out that he’s Spider-Man. He called me freaking out but I told him that it wasn’t a big deal as long as Ned promised not to tell anyone.

Over the months while I continued living in Steve’s apartment, I had made it my own. I hacked into my savings account and transferred the money without leaving a trace for Tony to follow. I bought computers and set up SARAH in each of them. I got rid of the kitchen table and the chairs in the living room and installed a hook for punching bags in the living room. I wasn’t handling my emotions or processing Steve leaving and Tony’s outburst correctly, causing my abilities to slowly weaken.

The nightmares that haunted me every time I closed my eyes and caused me to be running on less then six hours of sleep most weeks. The last blow up with Tony was haunting me the most. I would run around Brooklyn for hours trying to get it to stop playing in my head. Occasionally, Steve’s goodbye would haunt me, hurting me almost as bad. It had become very uncomfortable to run in long sleeves as the summer continued, so I decided that I needed to start wearing short sleeves. I was self conscious about my scars for the first few weeks and I could tell that Peter wanted to ask about them, but luckily he never said anything and I slowly began to accept them.

One morning, while I was going at it with a punching bag, I heard a knock at the door. I looked through the peep hole to see Peter and his friend Ned standing there. I hadn’t officially met Ned yet but I had heard enough to feel like I had. I opened the door.

“Mr. Parker?” I questioned. “Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“Bailey,” Peter started, “You don’t have to act all professional. It’s just Ned. And yes I should but something happened last night, we need your help.”

“Come on in.” I opened the door wider, allowing them in.

“Miss Bailey,” Ned nervously greeted.

“Ned, just call me Bailey.”

“Okay, Bailey.”

“Maybe you can get her last name out of her because I haven’t been able to.” Peter said as he started getting stuff out of his backpack and setting it on the counter. Everyday Peter comes to training with a few new last times to try out on me, trying to get me to give in what mine is.

I laughed, “Not a chance.” I looked over at the counter. “Is that one of the guns?” I walked over, picked it up and began to study it.

“Yes,” Peter said. “So last night, Ned and I went to Liz’s party and—“

“You actually went?” I cut in, surprised. “How’d it go?”

“It was awful.” Ned began talking. “Peter—“

“The party doesn’t matter!” Peter cut back in.

“Sorry, continue Peter,” I urged.

“Ned was trying to convince me to impress Liz by coming as Spider-Man.” Peter started again.

“Peter!” I hit the counter and it cracked a little. Ned took a step back away from me. “What have I told you? What did Mr. Stark tell you?”

“Just let me finish!” Peter nervously shouted. I nodded. “Okay… Anyway, I went up to the roof to practice on how I would enter the party and impress everybody. While I was up there, I saw a large blue explosion in the distance. I fully suited up and swung off. After I arrived at the explosion site, I saw a black van and three men. Two of the men were selling guns like these.” He pointed at the gun that I had set back down on the counter. “The same ones from the ATM robbery. Ned called me and blew my cover though! And they tried to escape. I tried to fight them off and chase them. I hung on to the van by my webs. They shot at me as the dragged me. I lost my grip of the van and the actual van for a bit. I found it and was about to jump onto it when this vulture guy came up at me from behind! He flew me up into the sky.”

“As I tried to lose him,” Peter continued, “my emergency parachute activated. The parachute caught wind and I got out of the guys grip but I landed in a lake. I couldn’t get my parachute to unhook and I started to drown. But all of a sudden, Iron Man, appeared out of no where and rescued me. Apparently he has a tracker on me! I tried to convince Mr. Stark that I need to be the one to take these guys down or that the Avengers do, but he told me not to go after them and then said that it’s below the Avengers pay grade.” I rolled my eyes at that statement. “I then apologized to Mr. Stark for him having to come and rescue me, but he wasn’t even in the suit! He was remote controlling it all the way from India! Isn’t tha—“

“India?!” I exclaimed. “Why would he be in India?” I realized that I didn’t mean to say that out loud. “Sorry Peter.” I was a little hurt that Tony wasn’t looking for me. Unless…. Unless he was looking for Steve. Some hope started to build within me but I quickly let it die. Tony doesn’t forgive easily. That’s where I get it from. There was almost no way that he was looking for Steve. At least not for me, he’d be looking for him to lock him up.

“Mr. Stark really just wants me to focus on smaller crimes. He really doesn’t want me to be doing this.” Peter finished.

I picked up the gun once again. “Whoever’s making these weapons is definitely combining alien tech with ours.”

“That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said.” Ned awed. I rolled my eyes. “I just want to thank you guys for letting me be part of this journey.” I pressed a button on my bracelet and a suit gauntlet covered my hand. “Oh. My. Gosh. That looks just like Iron Mans!”

“You should see her suit.” Peter chimed in.

“Okay, nerds, stop,” I said. I blasted the gun. It broke open and a purple glowing thing, probably the power core, rolled out of it. I picked it up with my covered hand. “I’m probably going to regret saying this, but how about you boys take this all to school and study it there. It will probably be easier, I don’t have any equipment here.”

“Okay,” Peter responded. He grabbed his backpack and I carefully set the power core in his bag. He put the rest of the gun back in it, zipped it up, and threw it over his shoulder.

“Let me know what you find,” I pressed another button and the gauntlet formed back into a bracelet.

“I’ll swing by after school,” Peter said.

“Actually,” I paused. I really needed sometime alone and I had found out that Pepper was going to be in New York and I wanted to talk to her. I needed to talk to her. “I can’t meet tonight. Plus I still want you to go to the Decathlon finals that are in Washington DC tomorrow.”

“Ugh..” Peter whined. “I’ll think about it.”

“Let me know what you decide.” I walked over and opened the door. “It was nice to meet you Ned.”

“You too, Bailey,” Ned nodded as he walked out the door. Peter started walking over and I hugged him.

“I’ll call the school and tell them that you guys were working on something for the Stark Industries Internship.” I said.

“Thanks,” Peter said. “See you soon, Miss Fisher!”

“Not even close!” I laughed as I shut the door.

I walked into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. The sleepless nights had been taking a toll. Because of my healing abilities, the dark bags under my eyes looked better then they should have. I took a quick shower, and got dressed.

“SARAH, please pull up Pepper’s and Tony’s locations.”

“On it.” I walked out into the living room and looked at my main screen. “Here you go Miss,” SARAH said. “It appears that Ms. Potts is in a meeting at Avengers Tower and Mr. Stark currently has his location offline.”

“Hmm? I wonder why.” I mumbled as I put on shoes. “The possibility of him being in town right now is slim to none… Yeah, I’m going to go see Pepper.”

I put my hair up in a pony tail, grabbed my car keys, and I walked out the door. I got in the car and took the hour drive into the city.

Parking right in front of the Tower, I nervously got out of the car and headed inside. I walked to the security desk. The two men looked up in surprise.

“Miss Stark?” One of them said, shock evident in his voice. “Where have you been?”

I ignored the question. “Is Ms. Potts still here?”

“Yes,” the other one answered. “She’s up in her office.”

“Thanks so much.” I smiled and quickly walked away.

I knew that Tony had most likely been notified about my presence the moment I stepped onto the property. So I knew that I didn’t have much time until Tony would try to reach me. But I really just needed to see Pepper. I rode the elevator up to the floor that her office was located on. The doors opened and there were several people waiting to get on. The meeting she was in must have just ended. I smiled and nodded past the others trying to get onto the elevator as I exited. I could see Pepper on the phone through the glass walls that incased her office. As I opened the door, she saw me. I will never forget the look of surprise on her face and if it were under different circumstances, I would have wanted to remember it. But I knew that part of the shock on her face was because she feared that she would never see me again. Feared that she had made the wrong choice in letting me go out on my own.

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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Do you sit on the couch or the floor? I’d definitely choose the couch over the floor.

How many different colleges have you gone to? Two-- a community college and a UC. How much stress can you handle? It doesn’t take much at all before I get overwhelmed.

What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night? I like to listen to ASMR.

How confident are you in achieving your dreams? Sigh. I’m a mess. I don’t even really have any dreams I want to achieve right now. I don’t have the motivation or the energy. I don’t have any confidence in myself. I really need to get my shit together.

What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I didn’t think I’d end up like this. I didn’t have a definite plan with what I wanted to do after college, but I can assure you this wasn’t it.

Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? No.

At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy? I don’t know. :(

Do you ever make pictures or shapes out of the markings in the ceiling? I did that as a kid sometimes.

Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? It most definitely is.

Do you really think money will buy your, or anyone else’s, happiness? It can certainly help. I think it could bring some happiness, like happy moments and things that bring joy, but it wouldn’t cure my depression and the other stuff I’m dealing with. It wouldn’t just go away. At the end of the day, I’d still be left with those things. The thoughts and feelings would still be there. Those feelings and thoughts hit me in the middle of doing something I like or if I’m having a good time now and I don’t see that changing if I became financially better off.

Is shopping a form of therapy for you? No.

Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? I’m not currently taking anything for it.

Do you believe it is possible for someone to change? Yes, of course.

What is your favorite food to snack on when watching t.v.? I’m not a big snacker, but lately I have been into sourdough bread and spinach and artichoke dip.

Do you like looking at pictures? Yeah.

Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually worked out? It did for a little while.

Are you good at persuading? Uhh. Depends.

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? I’m not super into them for myself, but I think they can be cool.

Do you care what people think? Yes and no. Not as much as I used to. I wish it was because I’m now this happy and confident person, but no.

How many dirty looks have you received today? None.

If a loved one who’d died showed up at your door, what would you do? Uh, I’d be scared and freaked out to say the least and extremely confused. I honestly don’t know what I would do or say. I think it’d be a roller coaster of emotions. If it really were them then I’d be overwhelmed and cry and want to hug them and talk to them and omg I’d be a mess. It would feel so surreal. I’d also have a lot of questions.

Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I like to believe they give us little signs.

How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there? Many times.

And your name is? Stephanie.

How do you like your coffee? With flavored creamer or cream and sugar.

Do you have a job? If so, what do you do? No.

If unemployed, what do you do to keep yourself busy? My days consist of rest, social media, TV, YouTube, Tumblr, reading, playing Animal Crossing, surveys, and spending time with family.

Top 3 favorite foods, go: Wingstop’s garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings, ramen, and breakfast sandwiches.

What does the person who texted you last mean to you? My mom means everything to me.

How do you feel about polyamory? Not something I would be okay with.

When did you last have sex? Was it good? Never.

Which apps on your phone do you use the most? YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, and Kindle.

Do you go through phases when it comes to music genres, or are you pretty consistent in what you listen to? I’m consistent.

Does death scare you? Yes.

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? I’d have good health, mentally and physically.

Which family member do you get along with the most? My mom and brother..

Do you like horror movies? Why or why not? Yesss.

Do you play video games? If so, what are some of your favorites? I’ve been playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the past year.

How often do you eat fast food? Quite often.

Do you like sushi? Nooo.

Would you ever be able to become a vegan? No.

How often do you drink alcohol? I don’t. I haven’t drank going on 8 years now.

What was your favorite toy as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies.

Who was your first best friend? What is your favorite memory of/with them? Are you two still friends? These two girls, Crystal and Starr, in preschool. I remember they came to my birthday party at Chuck E Cheese; that was fun. No, we lost touch after preschool.

If you could see anyone in concert, living or dead, who would it be? I wish I could have seen Linkin Park with Chester. :(

If you were to get married, would you rather have a big extravagant wedding or a small private affair? Explain your answer. I don’t plan on getting married. I really just don’t see it in the cards for me.

Do you want kids? Why or why not? No.

How did you meet your newest friend? I don’t have any friends.

Have you ever watched the show Teen Mom? What did you think about it? Yeah, I watch Teen Mom OG and Teen Mom 2.

Are you old enough to remember MySpace? Yeah, of course. I’m old.

Where is the boy you want most? There isn’t one.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? Right here.

How old is the last person you kissed? He just turned 30.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to text you? My brother.

Can you make yourself sneeze? No. Tilting my head back and looking at a bright light doesn’t seem to work for me.

What is your current mood? Blah.

What are you doing tomorrow? Same stuff, different day.

Who was the last person to sleep in your bed besides yourself? I’m the only one.

Do you think you would make a good boyfriend/girlfriend? Not at this time, no.

Where were you at 9am this morning? I was in bed, asleep.

Whose bedroom were you in last? I’m in mine. Do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? I don’t want to have kids.

Do you talk to the person you like everyday? I’m not interested in anyone right now.

Do you have trouble deleting your text messages? I’ve never had a reason to delete them.

Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? Ehhhh.

Would you rather rent or buy movies? I like watching them through a streaming service.

What is the best part of your own body? Nothing.

Would you rather watch a full season of American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance? American Idol, I guess.

Do you like to take walks? No.

Have you ever gone anywhere for spring break? Yeah, my former best friend and I took a few small trips.

Do you worry a lot? Yeppp.

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Medium dog.

Do you mind being cold? I much prefer it to being hot. I like wrapping up in a blanket or lounging around in a sweatshirt or drinking a warm drink.

What is your favorite sports drink? I don’t drink any sports drinks.

Do you keep a diary or journal (offline or online)? This is it.

What is your favorite candy? White chocolate.

Do you document everything in pictures? Not everything, but I do like taking pictures of things I want to remember and having those memories.

Have you ever waited for something for so long and then had it snatched from right underneath you when it seemed so close to grasp? Yes.

Choose one: being able to teleport yourself anywhere in the world at any given time or being able to fly? Teleport, hands down.

Do you feel more comfortable in public wearing jeans or sweatpants? I’m a leggings gal.

What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I take surveys. <<< Ha, true.

Do you fear growing older? Yes.

Have you ever been called a tease? Yes and I was like wtf? I wasn’t the one leading them on or playing with their emotions like they were.

Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see or hear it? Yeah, many things like that with different people.

Do you trust all of your friends? I don’t have any friends.

Does The X-Files theme song give you the goosebumps? It did when I was a kid.

Have you ever taken the batteries out of a Ferbie only to have it come alive in the middle of the night? Omg, that did happen once! Those things were freaky.

Don't you find those black cat clocks with the moving eyes and tail just a little creepy? lol yeah they kinda are.

When things get bad, are you more likely to blame yourself or somebody else? Myself.

Are most of your friends' biological parents married or divorced? Do you remember those commercials that scared kids into not playing around railroad tracks? No?

Do you ever wish your life was a sitcom, just so all your problems could be solved in thirty minutes? That would be nice.

Have you ever noticed how different everybody's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd bases are? I feel like it’s the same general idea.

Do you tend to set yourself up for disappointment? I’m always expecting the worst case scenarios, so.

Would you ever call a guy back and say, "Oh, sorry. I was taking a hot shower"? No.

Who do you get most of relationship advice from: guys or girls? I used to get it from both. Although, oddly, I was the one people came to for relationship more often and I had none.

Have you ever put your all into someone and got nothing back? Yes.

Do you think that you, personally, have been more shaped by experiences or by people? Experiences.

Do people ever make fun of your religion or lack thereof? Not to me, personally, but yes people do make fun of Christianity.

Have you ever put the television on mute and tried dubbing in new dialogue? No.

Do you say/do things a lot for shock effect? No.

If you were in an iPod commercial, what would you want your background color to be? They don’t make those commercials anymore, but rose gold.

What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I don't know.

Do you usually follow your head, instincts, or heart more? They all play a role, it just depends. I suppose my emotions do probably play a bigger role.

Where do you spend most of your waking time at home? In my room.

Does your jaw ever crack, pop, or lock? It pops sometimes.

With just your life, are you more optimistic, realistic, or pessimistic? Definitely pessimistic.

Is it hard for you to ask for help? Yes.

Have you ever thought of how you would give your kids "the talk"? No. I don’t want to have kids.

Do you ever feel like you're missing out on something? Yeah, life.

Is your high school ANYTHING like the ones in the movies? My high school experience was nothing like that, but I feared it would be going in. Movies never paint high school in a good light.

Are you going to be totally screwed if pigs start flying tomorrow? I don’t recall ever really saying I’d do something if pigs fly or anything like that. I don’t think...

Have you ever finished taking a shower and realize that there are no dry towels? I always grab a towel beforehand.

Do you love listening to sad piano solos? Sometimes.

Was one of your grandpas in a war? My paternal grandpa was.

Did you ever actually try to find the end of a rainbow? As a kid, I’m sure.

Are you afraid of jinxing things? Sometimes.

Do you ever write/draw on windows that are fogged up? I did that as a kid.

If you were married, and your spouse's parents became ill, would you let them move into your home? I’m very close with my family so I would certainly understand and would want to do what we could to help.

Have you screamed in a pillow before? For sure.

If a guy put his jacket on a puddle for you, would you actually walk on it or just look at him like he was crazy? lol aww I would be like you really didn’t have to do that now your jacket is all wet and dirty. We can just go around. I’m in a wheelchair, so that wouldn’t do much good anyway lol.

Would any of your friends dress up like a cow for a free chicken sandwich from Chikfila?

What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Acoustic.

Have you ever ordered something off a commercial on television? Nope.

What do you notice more, somebody's eyes or smile? Smile.

Did you actually have a cookie jar? We did when I was little.

Have you ever put on a shirt that came straight out of the dryer? Yessss. I love that.

Sometimes, does it feel like your life isn't going anywhere? That’s exactly how I’ve felt these past few years.

You've reach a fork in the road, do you go left or right? Hm. Right.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them? Not flat out ignore, but I become distant and short. I don’t initiate conversation with them.

What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed, definitely.

Have you ever gotten up early the next morning to do homework or study? Yes, but I usually just stayed up late and finished instead. I didn’t want to risk waking up late or running out of time and stressing about it.

Do you still consider Pluto a planet? I always still include it.

Right now, are you at a high, leveled, or low point? “And I’m at an all time low low low low low low low....”

When things go from bad to worse, have you ever been afraid of what kind of person you would be when it was all over? These past few years have made be become someone I absolutely do not want to be. :/

Do you honestly believe that good things come to those who wait? It can for some. Sometimes it seems like people are really just handed stuff with minimal to no effort, but generally speaking you have to work at it. I don’t think you can just sit around waiting, you have to get up and do it. And that’s something I need to do. I go on about how each year nothing changes and I’m worried about wasting away and doing nothing with my life, but I am doing anything to try and change that? Am I taking any steps?

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails? I’m always biting my lips. I pick at my nails constantly, but I don’t bite them.

Have you ever wanted to fast forward your life so you could see if it was worth it? Sometimes, but I’d be afraid to actually do that if given the chance.

Do you think that knowing when and how you're going to die would ruin your life? I really don’t want to know.

Did you ever feel bad for Tom and Sylvester? Jerry and Tweety did often tease and provoke. You can’t help but feel kinda bad for Tom and Sylvester sometimes.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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sozotohakai · 4 years

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HOW I RUN MY BLOG.

SPEED: I call myself fickle rather than slow or fast. My speed is fully dependent on my energy, but also what else I might focus on. For all I might be super energized one day, I might choose to focus it elsewhere. The trick with myself is to just not force myself, and chances are, I end up having some form of regularity, as long as nothing else piles up on me. In short, unless things demand more attention or I need to rest more, I do tend to write replies at least once or twice a week, although it’s gotten rarer for me to find the energy to do more than two or three replies at once. So I’m doing replies at least once or twice a week, but depending what inspire me, some threads take longer.

REPLIES: I can do short replies, but it’s very easy for me to develop inner thoughts or details of the environment, especially as technically, there’s three NPC always with Allen: Nea, CC and Timcanpy. I don’t always do it, but often, there’s just logic in writing out what Nea, CC and/or Tim is doing or feeling, as it can affect Allen himself. I also love to leave cues for my partners, like a glimpse of Allen’s left hand or a spike of energy, things can be used, your character seeing or sensing things, or not used. I do tend to match reply too, since what you give me will give a base structure of what I can give you, and sometimes inner stuff just take more words.

STARTERS: I found myself loving to do them. I think it started when, in my efforts to feel more at ease approaching people, I would offer to do starters too, especially as I noticed people often took that offer. There’s a part of me that does like to be able to set things up, and in general, I just feel a love for writing starters, and the fact almost everyone seems to enjoy leaving it to me just keeps this cycle of enjoying it. They’re 99% of the time plotted, as I do admit I don’t really think of starter calls. I do some opens at time, and tend to make new threads out of replies, so notes remain clean, and people can ask me to make a starter out of the idea if the starter itself doesn’t quite work. But, yes, while I don’t often do starter calls, I enjoy doing starters.

INBOX: I’m just as fickle with inbox stuff as with threads. Some inbox stuff are very easy to reply to, and tend to be replied quickly. But some will be like short thread and so I don’t necessarily have the energy to write my muse to reply to the message. I love memes, but I don’t handle well to see a meme on my blog that never got used, so I tend to remove a reblog if I didn’t get a meme. I’ve tried to leave memes and tag them, in the past, but it’s still a work in progress, to reblog memes and leave them here. This is also a big part because I’m fickle enough with everything, so for me, memes are stuff to have fun on the moment, but a day later? I probably don’t have the energy anymore for it. So it just feels too weird to keep memes up, as I mostly use them as “this is the fun I’m okay doing today!”.

SELECTIVITY: I’m both selective and not? I am open to anyone and everything, but I have preferences, so I can be open but choose to not interact, if I can feel I’m not going to have enough inspiration. I look at people rules and about and the general layout of blog, as well as take a quick look around archive to get a feel of the speed, so I always base myself on both what I feel out of the blog, the mun and the muse. As I say in my guidelines, I use follows to show interest, so if I follow you (first or back), you know I have seen your blog, and decided I could see myself interacting with you. I remain open, meaning that you can still approach me and ask for interaction, no matter the follow/mutual status between us! Sometimes I’m just uncertain rather than not interested, and it can help growing certain.

On another note, I’m currently mostly interested in MDZS, which is very ironic but I don’t think I’m the first person who had their muse not be interested in their canon. It’s partly because DGM rpc has been very quiet, I do happen to love when Allen can interact with canon muses of DGM, but I’m not actively looking for them. Meanwhile, I love so very much throwing Allen into other worlds and having people not realize the mess that will follow him eventually (because sometimes even I forget he’s literally part of the core part of a war with the whole world at stake). And MDZS my other fave fandom, ergo: mostly interested in MDZS interactions.

WISHLIST: I have a wishlist tag, which... isn’t on my tag page. That will be corrected very soon. It’s here in the meantime. But yes, I have general plot ideas, which tend to be in headcanon posts, it’s easy to see some that shows up often, but often as I can see these pop up at some point, I don’t make an actual wish out of those. Still, I’ve made a few posts out of some that really made me go “that’s a fun thing to consider” and there’s maybe more I could grab from my hcs post and make proper wishlist post. In general, you can expect I’m always curious to include Allen’s dreams/nightmares, his Innocence, Nea’s presence, CC, Timcanpy, the Ark, or people he knows from DGM.

HONEST NOTE: I’ve realized I’m not as social as I believed myself to be. I’m open, I love to chat and meet people, I adore my friends, but being social is draining to me, never recharging. Any amount of chatting can be draining to me, of course small things are way easier, but the general thing is that I need energy to interact directly with people, be it face to face or chatting online. So you will easily feel like I’m full of energy when I speak ooc with you, because I am always happy to do so, but at the same time, you’ll easily see me be fickle about ooc interactions. Chances are, I indirectly interact too, with ooc posts and my simple presence by any activity I show. There’s just no going against the natural way your energy drains and recharges, so I’ve grown to make sure everyone who interacts with me are aware that’s a thing with me. That, and the knowledge I write both as hobby and as career, so I’m simultaneously always in potential free time and potential creative time. I’m good at handling myself, I’ll know day to day what I can do or cannot do, and it’s just that others can’t really see it for themselves and can only see when I do something that is visible. I could have a very productive day, and no one knows because it’s all offline stuff. Sometimes you’ll know what I’m doing by seeing updates on my fics or my fic blog; and same thing with my original writings. I can only explain all that, both how my social energy is low and easily drained, and how my creative energy cycles between creating and recharging, and has multiple outlets. And then trust anyone that interacts with me or know me to understand all this and know I’ll be back, be it ooc or ic.

On a final note: I’m very, very bad with remembering how long I’ve talked to someone, or a thread has been replied to. My mind goes from “today” to “yesterday” to “a few days ago” to “days ago” and then just... “it’s been some time”. Today/yesterday feel like “its okay, I still have time” and after that, my mind just goes “ngggh when I can!”. Only thing that helps a bit is notification, as without them, I easily forget who I replied or didn’t reply to. To my mind, either I was the last to say something and so I’m waiting a notification, or I have a notification. Because I barely have energy for socializing, I have next to no energy to notice who I haven’t seen a notification from. Sometimes I get my butt to check on people, but I just... my mind just wants to believe people are doing okay or having their own life, and so especially if I can see them on dash, my brain just does not process who I talk or doesn’t talk to on regular basis. It’s narrowed to the notifications I have, and when I have plot to discuss, or see an ooc post. 99% of the time, if I follow you, I am totally aware of you, and I’ll see any ooc stuff, and mentally wish you the best, but I just... never process how long we have or haven’t been talking.

TAGGED BY: stolen from @shuoshuzhe

TAGGING: Anyone who wants to!

#outofhost #(that makes a good post to link in guidelines)

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sonicranticoot · 5 years

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About CTR, Money, and Both Together

Yeah I know I took a break. Regular types of posts to resume shortly. I haven’t actually ranted in a very long time (”Why does he have rant in his name, and never actually rants?”) but today’s...uh, news about CTR is such a hot topic in the Crash community I want to talk about it.

That being yeah. Microtransactions. How quaint. It’s 2019 and Crash Bandicoot has microtransactions. Absolutely beautiful. Mostly being that, a lot of you already know this but I’m making it even more blatantly clear. They’re not ok, but it goes a bit deeper than “not ok.”

One of my main reasons for being annoyed with them is that simply put, they hurt my trust in the game. Pre-launch, it was confirmed in several interviews there would be no in-game purchases or any of the sort and all content would be available in the game itself. Now it’s always possible Beenox really did mean they didn’t want to put them in and never did and they were forced upon by Activision. Although wouldn’t be the first time it has happened in the industry (as one example, Square Enix similarly forced them into Deus Ex: Mankind Divided at the last minute). publishers being willing to blatantly break promises made by the developers still paints a pretty bad message. Regardless of how it happened, it gives me reason to put less trust into Beenox.

It’s also a bit of a skewed priority here in my opinion that microtransactions are more or less taking priority in development. Of course we don’t know everything about what will be done in the patch that adds the content from the new Grand Prix but no patch notes like the last GP is kind of concerning. There are a lot of things aside from the Wumpa Coin system that are serious issues with the game, like no host migration making it very hard to actually find games at times, long wait times between online matches, invisible items, invisible walls, lack of online options, etc.

I mention online because online is obviously a part of the game Beenox and Activision are encouraging people to play a lot - not just with coins but also the increased Nitro payouts and the incentive of the championship leaderboard that gets you a kart/decal (the latter even for who got the kart in an earlier GP, giving them incentive to make the top 5% again). But simply put, it’s barebones, has difficulty functioning well, and the fact the game uses peer-to-peer instead of its own servers is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.

I mentioned coins before, and I know I’m not alone in expressing this fear, but with the already mangled coin handling last GP’s patch (honestly exaggerated, it’s better in some places, worse in others, it has actually encouraged me to vote for different tracks online than pre-patch but that’s just me), and the inclusion of microtransactions and them being explicitly said to help fast track coin collection, there’s...reason to believe that coin payouts are going to suck more than ever. Or they might jack up the prices to get people to grind even more, sucking out lives of people with limited time to play the game, or take the “easy way out” and get them to buy coins. Of course you also have to take into consideration that CTR is a kid friendly game that has this stuff. FIFA, rated E for Everyone, in recent years has cost parents literal thousands of dollars out of their bank accounts. Now I am unsure if CTR would ever get that bad since to my understanding FIFA has gambling and lootboxes which CTR currently lacks, but the real fear of a kid not versed in money spending too much on coins is a real thing. Or, people just wanting to catch up real quick, and with no self control, plunging into buy out the store.

Then there’s how the store actually works at the moment with its daily deals stuff that can, to a new player, actually make their cash-earned coins into either a test of luck by buying repeatedly, or just waiting forever. There’s a million ways that microtransactions can ruin people’s experiences with a game I don’t know where to begin.

I’ve heard all the excuses. “It’s all cosmetics.” “It’s optional.” “People need to watch their money.” “It funds the rest of the game!” Well some people would say, those are all pretty valid reasons at first glance, I refute:

Yes. They are cosmetics. That’s always how it starts. What if that’s a skin everyone loves? What if you’re the one person who doesn’t have it? What if that becomes a problem?

Yes. It is optional. Honestly I do think it’s the best argument, because you can do what I intend on doing: not buying into them. Sometimes, though, it’s not that simple; sometimes things feel so excessive they begin to not feel optional.

Sometimes, simply put, it’s not that simple. Today it’s easier than ever for a kid to randomly jack daddy’s credit card. Some people have genuine problems with money and have no control over how they spend it. It’s not that easy for some people. Maybe it is for you. It is for me. But it isn’t for everyone.

You know what else funds development? Game sales. You already paid $40 up front (or $60 if you wanted Robot Crunch that bad, I didn’t) and I don’t think you should be expected to pay more just to ease out of a slog that, depending on purchase date, can take months. Activision (or EA or Ubisoft or 2K or Square Enix or Warner Bros.) isn’t exactly light on money anyway.

Back to the grind for a little bit. Yes. Coin rates for offline players suck. Online sometimes gives you good coins and only does so when it wants to work in the first place. I, however, have a different take on the grind. The grind only becomes a grind if you make it into a grind. If you’re having fun playing the game, honestly? That’s what any good game does, it makes you play the game because you like playing the game. A lot of games have things that take forever to do, but are praised in spite of that because of things like strong game mechanics. CTR has amassed a dedicated community in spite of its well-documented issues because, simply put, this game is great. I’ve put god knows how many hours into it, admittedly sometimes as an active grind (I hate those battle mode challenges for the Grand Prix), but much of the time, it’s because I love playing a great racing game in my favorite gaming series.

Of course, that’s just me. Not everyone thinks a game is just a game, and sometimes the game itself these days gives off that message. Games you buy from a brick and mortar store operated completely differently before mobile phone games got big. Once those did, and devs started putting things into them, it just hasn’t been the same for a lot of people. Today, you have to log in to an account to play Doom, a game released 26 years ago, not on phones but after you pay for it with your own money on consoles current as of 2019. Mobile games and free to play games always operated differently from console games because that’s their whole thing, they generally aren’t console experiences and vice versa.

In summary:

If you love CTR, keep playing it, because without microtransactions, you have a game with a lot of good content and amazing gameplay.

However, actual issues with the game should be prioritized over trying to nickel and dime people, and with any game - not just this one - this message NEEDS to be loud and clear.

It is important for developers and publishers to see on the same terms, so they same message is given to consumers.

You don’t fucking put mobile game mechanics into video games that existed 10 years before Angry Birds and expect people to not talk about them.

Monetization is bad in so many ways it can hurt people and imply things about everything about the game in all kinds of ways. No ifs or buts about it.

Have a good night.

#crash team racing nitro fueled #crash bandicoot #microtransactions #rant

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dropintomanga · 5 years

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Do Call Out, But Call Out Responsibly

For a while now, I’ve been trying not to say anything regarding things that happened within the anime community over in my part of the world.

But there’s a few things I want to get off my chest. I was reading a new Otaku Journalist post that made me think about the rise of call out culture. We’ve made a lot of progress in enabling people who’ve gone through horrific experiences (i.e. sexual harassment) to speak out against the perpetrators of those experiences. I think it’s fine as I was a victim of physical harassment at an old workplace a few years ago. I now know what it’s like to have people at the top treat you like you don’t matter if you’re not making bank for them.

It’s just that there’s such a limit to being angry at things.

The post linked above goes into what it means to call someone out. It also says that while it’s noble to do so, the person who committed bad acts will still be around. Do we want them punished for life? When can we accept sincere apologies when the time comes? I left a long comment on the post, which I’ll display it here in full.

“I was reading about moral outrage recently (http://nautil.us/blog/the-c... and the case to to be skeptical of it at times because our biases/subjective morality can lead us to think more about the actions of the person, rather than the consequences. Because it's not like everyone is supposedly dying if the person being called out isn't in a place of power, right?

Because while the person being called out is a bad person to a certain community, to others, they are good people. No one is truly one-sided. Everyone's both good and bad. I hate how there are forces that try to paint people as if one label defines everything about them (even though there are notable exceptions).

I'm not going to lie and say I'm a good, wholesome person. I've hurt other people in the past. I've said terrible things/comments to people intentionally and unintentionally. I'm just very human. I will admit that being stressed out from so many things in life leads to judgments that may or may not be warranted. But I've been able to be self-compassionate with myself and use that to take reasonable action towards improvement.

Are we calling someone out because we want to be right? Or are we calling them out because there's a greater harm to other people (not just ourselves)? I think about this because I know some people get angry just for the sake of getting angry.

I also feel this kind of debate should be better held offline than on social media. Social media is a nightmare for topics like this because it robs so much nuance & context when we need both more than ever. I think about a Vox article I read about that Asian lady (I apologize for forgetting her name) who writes/edits for NYT and her past making insensitive jokes on Twitter. People called NYT out for the hiring and the article mentions how Twitter only rewards snark more than anything else, which only serves to generate terrible conversations online.

The only thing I can suggest is just stay away from a lot of online noise because most of it is indeed noise that serves to harm users with misinformation. I think you're one of the very few good journalists I know I can trust.

Also, take a listen to this podcast about call-out culture because it has a very nuanced view: https://www.npr.org/2018/04...”

Earlier today, I was reading a Twitter thread from a figure who works in the American manga industry and talked about a moment in the past where they subtly called out a scanlator who wanted to work for them. They showed some moral disgust over the fact that the scanlator worked on stuff that was already licensed and listed it on their resume.

The figure admitted that they had the sense of power to “whitelist/blacklist” them if they could. Thankfully, that didn’t happen. They realized that because of the inner desire to deliver Twitter snark, they ended up creating a unwelcoming feeling for a scanlator who really wanted to do legit work in an industry they both love.

While I really don’t approve of listing fan translated stuff on resumes for industries that disapprove of that, I know it’s often innocent on the part of those who do that.

It’s just that I wish more people realized how social media platforms like Twitter aren’t anyone’s friends. They don’t care about you. All they want you to do is make snarky comments and make money from people fighting each other online due to those comments. I think about what Ursula K. Le Guin said about anger once.

“I know that anger can’t be suppressed indefinitely without crippling or corroding the soul. But I don’t know how useful anger is in the long run. Is private anger to be encouraged?

Considered a virtue, given free expression at all times, as we wanted women’s anger against injustice to be, what would it do? Certainly an outburst of anger can cleanse the soul and clear the air. But anger nursed and nourished begins to act like anger suppressed: it begins to poison the air with vengefulness, spitefulness, distrust, breeding grudge and resentment, brooding endlessly over the causes of the grudge, the righteousness of the resentment. A brief, open expression of anger in the right moment, aimed at its true target, is effective — anger is a good weapon. But a weapon is appropriate to, justified only by, a situation of danger.”

If we become angry enough to become racists, harassers, and bullies ourselves by stooping to the level of those we dislike, then what exactly are we fighting for? If you call someone out, but feel that you don’t deserve to be called out if you’ve actually done something terrible (and the proof’s right then and there), you’re not better than those you called out. That’s why I always say that I’m both a good and bad person. I think I’m right about most things, but I know I’m full of shit about some things. And you know what? That’s okay. Being aware of my own faults (without self-hatred) gives me the opportunity to learn and make much-needed changes.

Call out culture is going to be more prominent, whether anyone likes it or not. The only things I can tell anyone who feels compelled to call someone out are (with additional help from therapy or counseling).

1.) Forgive the person/people who hurt you. Here’s why - if you let them have a presence in your mind, it will be a big distraction in your life. You will be filled with nothing but hate. We all know hate does when you just keep reinforcing it. There’s also a big misconception in that forgiveness means letting that person off the hook. It doesn’t mean you forget what they did. Forgiveness means “You know what? You did some terrible things to me, but you’re a person like I am. I’m just not gonna let the thought of you ruin my state of mind and take over the joy I want to get in my life.”

2.) Slow down. Everyone wants to jump to conclusions ASAP. I wonder what happened to stopping and thinking about the actions of others and how they come about. There was a scene I remember from the game Persona 4, where the heroes were trying to deliver justice to a proposed suspect in a serial murder case (which was the major plot point). Everyone was acting on edge due to a close associate of theirs on the verge of death. The leader of the gang knew something seemed off, slowly voiced his concerns, and then yelled at his friends to calm down. One of my favorite lines from this sequence is something I’ll always remember.

“Failing to understand and failing to listen are rather different things.”

Listening with the sense of understanding is a soft skill that’s lacking these days. The thing is our minds are not built to handle the fast nature of culture. The rapid spread of ideas have outpaced our ability to process things. That’s a big reason why you see so much conflict.

If you still feel the need to call someone out, do it for anyone who’s been hurt by that person, not just you. Don’t be the only one who benefits. Share the wealth. Do not be tempted by profit over purpose.

I think that’s all I have to say other than if you’re angry about every single thing/person that’s hurt you, there’s nothing worth being angry about at all.

#mental health #anime community #fandom #psychology #anger #call out culture #calling out

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purge-that-urge-rhackathon · 5 years

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Heya purge! I saw in one of your tags that you’d been consuming fic for around 20 years! That’s like my whole life. Mind telling us how things have changed? I’m sure places like ao3 have changed things a lot. I’m just really curious in fandom and fanfic culture! :3 x

Ao3 is a fucking godsend let me tell you. I won’t make a lot of the same points and stuff that fannish history folks have already documented (how it literally changed, and all the fic we’ve lost that isn’t backed up on floppy disk somewhere… I’d say we’ve lost an equivalent to the digital burning of alexandria honestly) but i can tell you my experience :3

I’ll stick it under a cut cuz i kind of rambled… but i had fun doing so ahahha xD sorry you unleashed the tiger from the cage xD

We all make jokes about ‘being there’ when stuff in fandom history happened, but i’ve been around since all the major purges (LOL my name is so fitting in retrospect ahahha). ff.net’s various purges (and the whole anne rice suing fanfic writers and shit… i never DID agree to their new terms of service haha), geocities sites going down, obviously the more recent shit too, but like I’ve been around even for the creations of certain, older fanfic sites too (one of the oldest slash forums for lord of the rings fics for example… I was there, Gandalf LOLOL!!… and now that i check the date on that i feel old as balls thanks anon xDDD and wow my one fic is still up there PFFFFT) but like, I come from an era where you took your floppy disk and copy/pasted shit from online (once it even loaded) for later reading, and also so you could find it again, because also before ff.net it was hard to find stuff. I’m pre-google ya’ll xD You dont UNDERSTAND the horrors of trying to find anything pre-google. Ya’ll have it so fucking good D:

There was never an abundance of content like there is today, and so you can bet your shit we were grateful as fuck for what was out there, let alone for someone with a decent command of writing and storytelling. Everyone commented on everything (once that was something even implemented… it was email lists before that, and comments sent in that way… i still have my e-mailed comments from fic readers haha), and it was (and still is, in my honest opinion because people entitled as FUCK now) one of the GREATEST faux paus you could do to be reading a fic (esp. multi-chaptered) and not comment. The indignity of not giving back a little (and it still is a little, which is why i get so damn fired up on this subject) for aaaaaaaall the words and story and everything you just read was a serious sin against fanfic writers. I still think its seriously fucked up not to comment (and again, i’ve mentioned that if you dont got the spoons, thats obviously different) but like, the entitlement that runs rampant today did not even exist back then. Yeah, you still had the assholes whose comment would literally consist only of “where’s the rest?” with ZERO actual thanks or input while expecting/thinking they deserve more (and THEN you could remove chapters or stories, cuz god giveth and damn does she taketh away xD), but it wasn’t nearly as prolific as it is today.

The commenting culture today and the backlash against writers wanting comments on their work in return for providing said free content makes me mad enough to wanna curb stomp some people. I’m a bartender, I don’t put up with shit HAHA xD But the entitlement especially now and people who act like writers are being uppity for wanting a small return on their craft are disgusting. Same type of entitlement as art thieves (we all know the type). We didn’t put up with that shit back then. People acting like little bitches wanting free stuff for literally nothing? We’d pull the whole fic. And the community would handle it and it usually turned into a teaching moment about how damn important it is to comment and just how much freaking control writers DO have over their media. We’d pull it from public view unless amends were made (whether that be a private note from someone entitled finally paying their fucking due with proper humility, or reaching a comment count when you had hundreds of people reading but not commenting). Damn i miss taking away fic xD We played hardball back then xD

That was the fucking worst and people were rightfully denied access to fic if hits didn’t coincide with comments. You could publish a chapter and then decide to remove it from view (either for editing, or hostage taking for comments…. which i miss dearly AHAHAH it forced people to learn to be proper commenters and interact with those whose media they were consuming). It’s a big part of what I miss because just like a proper community, people kept each other in check and made sure everyone played nice. You enjoyed a fic? You sure as hell let that writer know. Now though…. the entitlement drives me up the fucking absolute walls and makes me wanna put stuff behind a paywall sometimes…. everyone is lucky im lazy as shit tho AHAHAH and im usually fine after venting xD

But yeah, fanfic culture in general has shifted in a major way to constantly consume and NEVER give back, either in comments, or creating new content yourself to also add to the community (for example as i’m sure we’re all aware, like ALL the people who bitch about certain ships or ‘why ship this when you can ship THIS?’…. Like, instead of bitching that ‘WAH WAH this author doesnt WRITE the ship I LIKE why can’t they write THAT??’ people came up with the radical idea of CREATING the content they wanted to see :| And if weren’t that good of a writer/artist to do so? Well then you SUPPORTED the writers/artists you enjoyed by leaving comments on their shit OR getting a commission… Goddamn i remember when even ‘commissioning’ people was a wild concept… Ya’ll dont know ahahah xD

I do believe that this is a huge source of where Anti-shipper behavior has stemmed from; entitlement gone berserk. And public schools and shit are still largely full of my parents’ generation who were not computer-literate either in function or courtesy, so even as internet social skills are not being taught correctly (or safety; they scared the SHIT out of us back in the day and now everyone has all their shit and pictures online haha) so there’s also a huge disconnect socially which i think has impacted online fandom spaces and what is considered acceptable or not. People also turn into fucking swine when they think they’re anonymous online (and boy do they change their tune fucking quickly when you out them) and i think the whole anonymity thing is also a factor of this whole entitlement issue in fandom spaces; making demands without giving ANYTHING back. Like I’ve mentioned in the past, I don’t put up with that shit, and it’s not a coincidence I was going to work for the CIA after I just left Japan about 3yrs back (thank fuck I didn’t cuz FUUUUCK this administration) cuz people are dumb as shit and basic tracking skills to call someone out on their bullshit has been my bread and butter since i was like 12 haha. You act dishonest and entitled, and it’s gonna come back to you in some shape or form. You’re going to reap what you sow. That was the motto back then and I still believe in it today.

Hell, it has shocked the FUCK out of me the few times i’ve had people tell me ‘omg me and my friend were talking about your latest update!’ and i’m just like O_O????? because also back in the day, ‘fanfiction’ was kind of a taboo word. You never said you were into fanfic in mixed company. You more or less NEVER discussed it publicly (I’m not even talking dirty stuff, just normal, sfw fanfiction) because it primarily existed only online (for me; i’m post-fan magazines but pre-internet fanfic sites LOLOL). Hell, I got my college english professor into fanfiction. She didn’t even know what it was, let alone that something like that existed, and I had to explain it to her my first year of college kind of with a red face xD She was a writing-professor too so like, let that date the culture a bit. Like, if that was literally her major field of expertise and she didn’t know about it, that should tell you how not-mainstream fanfic was.

I’m kind of out of touch with that myself. Do kids (ya’ll are kids to me okay? xD) mention fanfiction as a reading/entertainment medium in normal conversation? Like, you could mention, without getting weird looks, ‘oh i enjoy reading fanfiction’ or (and i’m like internally gasping at the idea here) being able to say ‘yeah i enjoy writing fanfiction’? Is that a thing? I sure as hell don’t tell my peers that I write fanfic, let alone that i’m approaching 1million words for borderlands stuff alone AHAHAH It’s STILL taboo and seen as a lesser writing medium to folks my age. If you weren’t in a ‘geek’ circle (and i mean, i had friends who played D&D at lunch, and one friend who we mentioned fanfic together with) then culturally, as an art form, it wasn’t acceptable to discuss. Like, i’m STILL in that mindset that fanfic is not something to be discussed off the internet with people and it makes me very very uncomfortable to do so unless i know 100% I can speak discretely with someone. That’s what the offline culture was. I know its way different in some respects, like me and my youngest sister are 10yrs apart and her experiences with fandom are wildly different, but the idea of people actually talking about someone’s fic together with friends absolutely blows my fucking mind.

So, it’s changed in good ways too xD I just fucking HATE people who think they’re entitled to never comment or give back to the community sooooo i tend to get stuck on that issue, ESPECIALLY, again, as a writer approaching 1million words. *salute* doing my duty to the fandom community LOLOL or polluting the fandom community if you’re an anti AHAHAH antis can suck my entire ass and i’ll go on to put another million words of what they HATE into the world and they cant stop me ;3 spite is a fabulous motivator xD

The tools back then were a lot more crude, abilities and functionality was limited (but also better in some ways; moving fic to the ‘backroom’ so to speak), and even finding stuff was hard and relied on the hushed whispers of friends, but damn the community was better. So much better. So much more positive and accountability made people decent. So like, I do LOVE a lot of what we have now, but we have lost SO much. Both in terms of content and sense of community. I wish people would put more positivity into the content they’re consuming and lift up others. It’s why i try my damnedest to leave commenting tags on EVERY SINGLE THING i ever reblog here, because i *know* firsthand how much it means. To scream your art into the silence and only get the equivalent of stares back is maddening.

So yeah. Stuff has changed. Capitalism and censorship are running especially rampant hand-in-hand right now, and lord forbid we come full circle where there are no more places for us. I mean, if we have to go back to email lists, hell I’m already ready and an old veteran to that system anyhow. I’d miss all the content we all have access to…. but then there’s also that 90% commenting rate you get with that kind of system so HEEEEEY let it all fall down! bahahah xD

#poisonjack answers #sorry i got REALLY rambly xD if uh... it's not exactly what you were interested in #i DO have resources to provide like timeline wipeouts of stuff from fandom eras that are lost to the ages now :(#this is my firsthand view of how the past 20 years or so has gone hahah its aaaaall downhill #ya know what? as someone who has put so many fucking fics into the world i think i DO have a right to bitch xD AHAHAH <3 #also some bitchass lady who was 'waiting FOREVER' (forever here being defined as 3minutes) to get her miller lite at my bar has put me in a #MAJOR mood. total bitch. And my manager also told her off AHAHHA but i still can't BELIEVE her entitlement #i'd remember her face but then she was generic for angry old (old in MY definition... she was 60ish haha) white lady and they all look alike #LOLOLOL #if she ever comes back im refusing her service and she can get the hell outta my bar :)#it has been a DAY folks. a tiring ass day

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shinjishazaki · 6 years

Text

I have a lot of baggage about the interests I have.

For the most part, people offline are uninterested in hearing me talk about the things I like. It’s part and parcel of people not having a lot of practice or interest in active listening; most people don’t care to hear about other people’s interests in general, I’ve found. They prefer talking about their own, which is good for writing research since I do practice active listening but not a conversation for the moment.

Anxious wreck that I am, every time I get passively shut down when I get excited about an interest (case in point my brother stomping on my excitement at the movies) I get less comfortable expressing it to people. So I tend to brush off questions about what I like and what I do because it’s less of an ego blow than getting burned from disinterest. It probably bleeds into my posts every so often, and if ever it seems like I’m dulling things down I probably am.

It’s miles easier to brush off random anon hate because what does the opinion of a cowardly little pissant hiding behind the anon feature matter to me. I do like what I like, come hell or high water. But so little interest in my excitement and eagerness shows up in real life that it’s actually kind of weird.

The hell side effect this has had is that guilt about indulging in my interests is part of the baggage. Supremely stupid though it is, if I didn’t have as many impulsive moments as I do, I probably wouldn’t indulge in much at all. And asking for things like games for my birthday or christmas borders on impossible, because if anything why should my family bother making that step into territory they don’t care to know about when I have money.

But funnily enough, I still don’t feel right buying things I like. I rationalize every interesting purchase away with “I don’t need it, I shouldn’t spend the money on it.” Which is bullshit, of course, other people buy things they like because they like them. But the things I like aren’t worthwhile enough to indulge in, since I’m the only person who honestly seems to care.

It leads to me constantly having cold feet about buying things for new stuff I’d like to try. Happened with getting a PC for gaming in the first place. Happening now with wanting to rebuild the PC with new parts. Again, trying to rationalize it away with “too much money, don’t need it” even though I’ve actually been thinking about streaming games for way more than a month now.

But I have the money for it. I have the ability to buy this stuff without worrying about how it would impact my life’s budget. I want it enough to dwell on it for weeks and thinking of what I’d do with it. And I want it enough that I’m acknowledging this idiotic guilt and abysmal self esteem problem and trying to rationalize it away.

I know better than anyone that I’m the biggest obstacle to my own enjoyment of things in life, if not general happiness. I know that is remarkably stupid. I don’t think making big purchases like this is self care (shopping generally is not) and things are not a sign of me having worth. But I really don’t deserve to beat myself up over wanting to enjoy myself and trying new things to have fun.

So this is long-winded and rambly and generally just a word dump to make myself feel better about making a decision to drop a lot of money into an unfamiliar kind of purchase. But I do feel a little better about it, so it’s worth staying up a little longer and figuring out words.

Maybe this year is the year I get a better handle on this self esteem garbage. I’d like to work on it, at least. Thirty years seems like too long to let it fester so much.

#nothing bad just words to help me make a way through a brain problem #I would really like to make progress with myself this year #weird as that sounds out of context

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spinsterbootcamp · 7 years

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Hey fellow spinsters!

So I’m not really active on Spinster Bootcamp much anymore when it comes to creating content (not that I was even very reliable in my posting schedule when I was more active, but still...) but that really only means that I haven’t prioritized taking the time to write up stuff on here, I haven’t given up on my interests related to it entirely. Offline, I’ve been doubling down on all of it and over the past couple years been having SO MANY conversations about these things IRL with friends, constantly researching/reading/learning as much as I can, and really giving a lot of thought to how I can keep these conversations going and reach/engage with more people. I started thinking about putting in the effort to make Spinster Bootcamp a proper blog with maybe regular contributors or something, but so far it just doesn’t seem like the right medium for the subject matter. So I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how to go about discussing these same subjects but in a different medium.

What I really want is to essentially continue having the conversations I’m having with friends about spinsterhood (especially queer spinsterhood), the solitude/loneliness dichotomy, the intersection of work and solitude and the idea of secular vocation, etc (and honestly so much more than I’m only just starting to really get a handle on and unearth), but in a much more public manner. Which, honestly, people who know me IRL will tell you that me wanting to talk publicly about things that are so important and personal to me is shocking, BUT, I think that is why the medium it is done in matters. If this hypothetical project is just a blog with me doing most of the writing/editing and a few contributors when I can get them, then it is going to be mostly me writing from my own singular perspective, which is not the conversation I want to have. I am finally in a place I think where I feel confident to add my voice to the discussion without always second guessing it (just *mostly* second guessing it), but I don’t want to be the only perspective I am putting out there, and even though I would be asking for other people to engage in discussion with me it seems like an inherently skewed platform that won’t lead to balanced discussion. I also don’t want to commit to a blog type structure where you need to post regularly. I want to be able to essentially have moments during the year when I am working on this project a lot, and then times when I am not. I have a lot of interests, and while I’m very interested in doing something with this, I know myself enough to know that if it is something that I feel I have to keep up with regularly in order to keep people interested I will become 110% uninterested. I like having conversations about these things, and then going back to my own solitude to mull it over for awhile, and then doing more research, and then having more conversations later, and I suppose that sort of pacing is much more in line with how I would feel comfortable running a project like this.

So the first of two formats I have been considering instead is some sort of publication, think like a quarterly magazine or journal (could be hard copy or online) where people could submit essays, short stories, personal anecdotes, fiction, non-fiction, comics, anything goes really. I’m very open to the forms the writing takes as long as it is related to the overarching subject. I guess depending on interest/amount of contributions then I would figure out how large to make it/how often to publish it/etc. I haven’t really given it much thought behind that, and I admittedly know very little about self publishing, not to mention the amount of work and rounding up of contributors that that would entail. Then editing/curating for quality on top of that makes me kinda stressed just thinking about it.

The second format that I have given much more thought to and am currently favoring is a podcast. I know, I know, that might sound weird right after I said in an above paragraph that I don’t want to be the only voice. But that’s the thing! I wouldn’t be the only voice on it, it just would be my actual voice doing about half or less of the talking, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is just me speaking from my own personal viewpoint. The thing I like about how I have been interacting with these subjects recently is that the amount of people I talk to about these things IRL has somehow tripled. Talking about these things even with the small variety of people in my small social circle has been so comforting in a way that all my years of reading and research or even talking with people online never has been. I think there is something to be said about actually hearing another human speak about these things, and not just reading their words. It feels a little more like comfortable discussion with real people rather than academic analysis that can sometimes to me feel a little too impersonal. Or at least I suppose I am finding that that makes a big difference for me. And besides, what I really want is to keep having those IRL discussions, just in a more public manner, and what better way to do that, than to literally record those discussions and release them to the public?

That being said, there would definitely be themes or specific subject matter for each episode, and it would likely be me speaking with 1-3 people individually about the subject matter for that episode, with the guests ideally dominating most of the conversation. Obviously once again the ability to gather contributors and find an audience will dictate how many episodes there would be per season and how often they are released, but I like the idea of doing maybe 6ish less than an hour long episodes per season, and releasing just one season a year. If there were more demand or enough contributors then I could see doing two seasons a year, but not more than that. Think like small audio miniseries I guess? Not so much a routine subscription to content as a special thing that happens once in awhile.

SO here is where I would like some input after all that rambling! I am taking a podcasting workshop this upcoming Saturday. It is being run by another queer woman who has created radio/podcast content that I have really enjoyed, so I am excited about that. From what I understand we will be covering both technical aspects of creating a podcast, as well as the storytelling aspects. I don’t really know how much we are expected to have fully fleshed out ideas going in. I know the things that are important to me to have for this sort of project, but I would love to have some more info to work with on what sort of things people would like to hear from a Spinter Bootcamp-esque podcast. Are there subjects/people/concepts you are dying to hear someone talk about? Is there anything you would be into coming on the podcast and talking about? (I am gonna need a regular stream of contributors, might as well start sourcing some of them now!) Is there anything that you constantly see happening anytime you read or discuss these sort of subjects that you think should be avoided or talked about in a different manner? Do you feel SO STRONGLY that a podcast is a terrible medium for this and you have a much better suggestion for how to go about this? I’m partial to the podcast idea but I’m not married to it yet. That’s part of taking this workshop, to dip my toe in and see if it really is the format that I think I could work with the best.

I think I’m finally done talking at all of you now haha. Please let me know if you have any thoughts about this hypothetical project though! Big or small I would love to hear all of them and I will definitely keep everyone updated with what I decide to do and how the process progresses.

#omg such a long post I'm so sorry #clearly I need to work on editing and conciseness #whoops #spinster #spinster bootcamp

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journeysintowebcomics · 7 years

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Worm Liveblog #40

UPDATE 40: One-on-One Fight

Last time Leviathan had managed to injure or kill a lot of capes more. The losses in the parahumans’ side are notable, a few capes that have featured in this story before are now dead, and it’s not over yet. It’s time to try to protect the rest of the city and drive Leviathan away before he destroys everything. Let’s continue.

Well, it’s true Leviathan is going away and all, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try to do as much damage as possible to that thing before it goes away. While Kaiser restrains Leviathan, Armsmaster sets up traps and Kid Win prepares to fire a cannon’s beam into the wound Narwhal had made earlier. It seems a handful of other capes will fight Leviathan directly, while others will stay back because they’re too fragile. I haven’t seen anything about Skitter’s role in the plan, but given her strictly support role so far – because she hasn’t been able to do anything else – I suppose she’ll have to continue being support.

Armsmaster gave her orders – orders that are still unsaid, I think – and she goes to the place she was told to go, a sector a couple blocks away from Leviathan. She looked at the place, trying to predict what routes Leviathan would take. Nothing Skitter can use to attack or defend herself, unfortunately.

I was scared. A huge part of me wanted to just close my eyes and hope Leviathan didn’t come, that I wouldn’t have to deal with him. It would be nice to join the three hundred and fifty thousand other Brockton Bay residents that were trusting the heroes to handle things, find a peace of sorts in surrender and helplessness. Except I couldn’t. I’d seen firsthand how Leviathan had taken down some of the strongest capes. I couldn’t find refuge in that kind of trust anymore. My mental and emotional resources were better spent on figuring out how to help than they were on hope.

Yeah, I don’t think anyone in the city is blindly trusting the capes to defeat Leviathan. I mean, everybody in the world surely knows what an Endbringer is capable of. Even those who have steadfast beliefs on the capes’ work surely realize there’s a chance they’re outmatched. It has happened in the past; it may happen again. The most hopeful thought most people may have right now is ‘I hope the city won’t be a pile of rubble once I step out of this shelter’. Well, that and hoping the shelter doesn’t collapse over their heads, in the first place.

Skitter needs a place where she can hide and watch the situation from, a place she can run easily from in case everything turns pear-shaped. There aren’t that many options. The best she can find so far is a place where she can store bugs. I suppose that can come useful, although those still may be unlikely to be too useful against someone who can manipulate water.

I’d been acutely aware of my bugs since the battle started, and for the second time I could remember, I found my power was responding far more effectively as I called for them. My reach extended further, my bugs were fractionally more responsive. The last time this had been the case, it had been when I teamed up with Bitch, Sundancer and Newter and wound up fighting Oni Lee and Lung. I couldn’t explain it, but I wasn’t going to complain. I needed every small advantage I could get.

Maybe it’s adrenaline, having to fight a extremely dangerous enemy. Not that Bakuda and the such weren’t dangerous, but the stakes here and with Oni Lee and Lung were higher than in other fights. In these the villainous capes even had to join forces with each other and with the heroes. That much should give an idea of how dire the situation was.

Skitter does more or less what she had done against that guy from E88 who attacked Heckpuppy: make swarms of insects take a humanoid shape in order to deceive. If Leviathan attacks those decoys then great! I think that can work! Anything that means Skitter won’t be in danger is good in my books.

Eidolon was flying at the coast, focusing blue rays on the water around the shattered boardwalk and debris at the water’s edge, hardening the waves into irregular sheets and glacier-like formations of ice.

Dangerous. I could remember seeing on TV that they’d tried something like this a few years ago. A Tinker using an ice engine, I think. I didn’t know exactly how or why, but judging by the fact that they hadn’t used the tactic again, I got the impression It had turned out really badly.

No kidding, that is hella dangerous! It’s not for nothing that hail and icicles are something you need to watch out for! Ice can be very solid! For everyone’s sake I hope Eidolon is being careful!

As Armsmaster said before, the current plan is to cross their fingers and hope Scion realizes Brockton Bay is, you know, at risk of being completely obliterated. I have the feeling those in Newfoundland and in the other places Leviathan has destroyed hoped for the same thing, and Scion never came. Putting their hopes in him seems like the very, very, very last resort, I’d say.

The problem with waiting on Scion was that the guy wasn’t exactly in touch with the rest of us.

Scion spends his time wandering around the world and helping those who need it. I suppose he can feel the danger when it happens, or something like that, but given Earth is a very big place, there are several billion people and statistically there are bound to be several dozen disasters of varied severity at the same time, the odds of him noticing the trouble at Brockton Bay are...not very good. At least that’s what I think. Who knows, maybe I’m understanding that wrong or he’d give the Endbringers priority or something, but it’s not like he is omniscient, that’s the impression I have.

Skitter hides in one of the places she saw, and hopes Leviathan doesn’t crush her or throws any big wave in her direction. It sure must be nerve-wracking to wait, unsure of what will happen. To have some foresight and know when Leviathan comes towards where she is now, she sends cockroaches in that direction. Ah, of course! Those things manage to survive a lot of stuff, eh?

Manpower deceased, CD-6. Aegis deceased, CD-6, my armband spoke, at the same moment my bugs reached the area around where Leviathan had been.

Dang it! Another one I recognize. So long, Aegis. This sucks. For the most part the Wards are faring well. Vista is still active, isn’t she? Clockblocker is injured and most likely out of commission. Kid Win is still around, Gallant is dead or very injured, and I don’t remember any others. All in all, they could be worse. Not that they’re doing awesomely, though, what with two deaths.

Fenja and Menja fight hand-to-hand with Leviathan, Fenja dies. Oh goddamnit.

Kid Win doesn’t last much longer either. He doesn’t die, but it seems he got knocked out by his own laser beam, Leviathan made a major impact and the force swiveled the cannon back. Ouch. All these capes are falling like flies. Makes one wonder who will be the next one.

From those Skitter mentioned, Hookwolf, Shadow Stalker, Browbeat, Lady Photon, Purity, Laserdream and Brandish are still around. Armsmaster and Kaiser are still around, of course. So there are eight capes I know. It’s hard to know which one will be the next one who will be unable to continue. With some luck, it won’t be a death. I’m not particularly wishing for anyone’s death, that’s for sure. Even those from E88 are interesting to read about.

You know who I haven’t heard mentioned? Grue and Regent. It doesn’t seem like they’re around. I suppose they must be looking for Tattletale, or taking their own decisions somewhere else. Would they leave the battle and go away? I suppose that’s a possibility too, but...eh, I don’t know, it’s not one that seems likely to me. It’s not impossible, but it’s not the very first one in the list.

Even though Leviathan is rather wounded, he’s not stopped at all, he continues as if nothing was wrong.

He held Kaiser’s upper torso in the one claw, tossed it casually to one side. The man’s legs were nowhere to be seen.

Well, shucks. There goes Kaiser. Seven left. You know, if this wasn’t decided by luck, I’d have thought Kaiser wouldn’t have died, and that if he did, it was because Mr. Wildbow had no more use to him. I wonder what’ll happen to E88 now? Purity was the second in charge, wasn’t she? So will she take the helm? If she survives, that is.

Wait, what? I hadn’t heard the report on Kaiser’s death. I checked my armband, where my arm hung immobile at my side.

It was dead, offline. Black screen.

Not a good time for technology to fail, damn it! I didn’t think something Dragon programmed would go down like this. What happened? I know Skitter’s arm was injured, but I don’t remember anything about the bracelet breaking, and I doubt Dragon would be as stupidly negligent as to not make this stuff waterproof. Skitter was hiding, listening to the reports, and then the bracelet wasn’t working. What happened?

Water rushes down the street, dragging down a van Skitter had considered as a hiding place, and then the tide changes towards where Skitter is actually hiding. Welp! That’s unfortunate. She runs in a perpendicular direction to the wave because there’s no way she’s going to outrun the water, and barely manages to jump out of the way. Too late, though, the wave hits her legs and sends her sprawling away, falling onto her already injured arm. It takes her a while to return to her senses, when she can look up, she sees Armsmaster fighting Leviathan with two halberds. One is the halberd he had been working on the night before, I recognize the description of the blur. It’s actually quite good, carving Leviathan and making him feel pain. He’s even managing to protect himself against water! That’s a really good weapon!

...don’t waste your breath giving a monologue to the Endbringer, Armsmaster, jeez. It can’t even understand you. But hey, it’s giving the reader exposition and shows Armsmaster’s personality, so it’s all good.

“You don’t even speak English, do you? Or you’d know what I was saying, you’d know I already won. The others helped, slowing you down, stopping the waves. But this victory, this killing blow? It’s going to be mine.”

Pretty doubtful, pal. Is that why Armsmaster seemed to be excited about the Endbringer coming, back then in Miss Militia’s interlude? Because this was his chance to prove himself? If he killed the Endbringer, then it’d mean he wouldn’t be transferred? Because that’s my first thought here. He does have a pretty good halberd here, but if a kickass weapon was the only thing necessary to kill Leviathan, I think someone else would have been able to do it a long time ago.

“This cloud around my blade? Nanotechnology. Nano-structures engineered to slide between atoms, sever molecular bonds. Cuts through anything. Everything. Like a sharp knife through air.”

So not even Leviathan’s dense as heck tissues will stop it. I see! That’s certainly an useful weapon! But will it be enough to kill Leviathan? Would cutting his head off or something be enough to kill him? I wouldn’t be surprised if that isn’t enough.

Armsmaster continues bragging, and mentions he is using temporal stasis trigger, no doubt based on Bakuda’s technology. It may not be the exact same thing, but I think that’d make it easier to study and replicate, especially to tinkers like Armsmaster or Dragon. It doesn’t really change anything, though, even though Leviathan is wounded, he continues fighting.

Or maybe he really is managing to do something, Leviathan is either stalling for time or hesitating.

“Delaying, buying time for a tsunami?” Armsmaster laughed, and Leviathan cocked his head at the display of emotion. “No. Three point four minutes before the next big wave breaks through the ice. Dragon’s probes are giving me the data on that. This will be over before then.”

Three minutes is an excessive time for a fight! It likely will be over before then, one way or another.

Skitter decides to not interfere, since Armsmaster has calculations and she doesn’t want to turn into a hostage or anything like that.

Armsmaster isn’t doing half-bad, he actually manages to cut Leviathan over and over with his two halberds, swinging around with skill. Nothing Leviathan has done stops him. I doubt Armsmaster will defeat Leviathan, but at least he’ll be able to say he hit that thing over and over. That much is a feat, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, he didn’t take into account or underestimated the storm sewers. Given everything that has happened, those have to be filled with water right now. The street cracks, water comes gushing upwards. Armsmaster barely manages to freeze it, but Leviathan has newfound speed and catches with his claws Armsmaster’s nanomachine halberd, embedding into those impossibly dense tissues. At least I’m pretty sure that’s why Armsmaster can’t dislodge the halberd, because the molecular bonds there are too dense. This leaves him defenseless, the other claws press onto him, he’s pretty much in the verge of death, until he falls down.

The Endbringer stood, showing none of the frailty or pain it had been displaying seconds ago. The injuries were there, to be sure, his head hung at an angle because of the way the weight of his head hung on the intact portions of his neck, but he wasn’t suffering, had no trouble putting his full weight on his more injured leg. Had it been an act?

Apparently so! That thing is more cunning than I thought he’d be. I’m surprised! Now I wonder if it knew all the time what Armsmaster was saying. Maybe it really could understand everything and Armsmaster never realized it, underestimating Leviathan.

Leviathan ripped Armsmaster’s left arm off, Skitter throws one of the swarms and manages to stick some bugs inside a couple of the wounds, trying to bite from inside, but it’s like biting steel. Welp. Still, at least she managed to get bugs in close quarters, that much is much more than I thought she’d be capable to do with her insects.

At the first chance she hurries to get to Armsmaster, finding him conscious and bleeding.

“You,” he groaned. His left arm was gone at the shoulder, torn out of the socket. Blood poured from the wound. “You’re dead.”

“Hey, you’re not making any sense.”

“He killed you.”

If each bracelet monitors the person’s vital functions, transmitting that information to a system placed in a safe place which in turn gives the information to everyone else alive, I can see how the bracelet not working anymore could be interpreted as Skitter being dead.

After Skitter recovers Armsmaster’s other arm, she informs through the bracelet what happened with Armsmaster.

“Armsmaster down! CC-7! Leviathan is heading West…”

I felt the bugs I’d clustered in Leviathan’s wounds change direction. The compass point between West and Northwest was what? More Wests than North.

“Cancel that! He’s going West-North-West from my location!”

Her bugs are going to be useful! Tracking Armsmaster is good, that should be of help. Is he going towards the sea? Is that wave Armsmaster talked about still coming? If so, there may not be more than two minutes left before it comes crashing down.

“Roger, sounds like he might be heading for one of the shelters, lots of people packed into a space where they can’t run, vulnerable,” someone replied.

Knowing Skitter’s luck, it’ll suck if it turns out her dad is in that shelter. I hope not, she’s too busy already to have to deal with one problem more. Skitter informs she can track Leviathan as long as she is in range, and it’s agreed a flier will help. That’s a good plan! I wonder who is left, among the other capes?

That may be found out next time, because it is over for today. Thank you for reading!

Next update: next time

#worm #worm liveblog #liveblog #book liveblog #story liveblog

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anotheruserwithnoname · 7 years

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Belated thoughts on The Doctor Falls

(Spoilers, obviously)

A late “review” owing to me being out of down and offline for the Canada Day long weekend. Now to make up for lost time...

I make no secret of nor do I apologize for the fact I was very disappointed with Series 10 as a whole. I stand by my opinion that it is - taken as a whole - the weakest season of 10 we’ve had since the series returned. BUT, in the 9th inning, Steven Moffat managed to score a home run, even though it was more of the “players fumbling to catch the ball” inside-the-park homer than a “knock it out of the park” blockbuster. It ranks a solid 3rd behind The Name of the Doctor and Hell Bent among Modern Era finale episodes and for the most part left me smiling (albeit a sad smile).

More thoughts after the break:

I’m going to get the negative stuff out of the way first.

I have mixed feelings about how Bill’s fate was handled (not the fate itself). I love the fact that Moffat managed to come up with a way to get Bill out of her dilemma and reunite her with Heather in such a way that promises future adventures (Big Finish and Chris Chibnall take note). It’s great that we finally got a pair of Moffat companions (including Nardole, though more on him in a moment) who basically survived their time with the Doctor. However, I wish Moffat hadn’t copied what he did with Clara and Ashildr in Hell Bent: making the companion immortal and sending her off on adventures with an immortal companion of her own (only difference being the romance direction: with Clara it was separation from her OTP; with Bill it was reunion with her OTP). I spoke to a few friends who watched it on Saturday and they were very upset by this. Not because they were Clara fans (believe me, they aren’t - in fact they pretty much hated Series 8 and 9) but because it was so similar to what happened last season. And I am annoyed at people saying that this is setting up the spinoff everyone wants, when that’s exactly the same thing they said with Clara and Ashildr in 2015! (That said, I agree with everyone who says getting the four together would kick ass. Big Finish, again take note.)

I also wish Heather had been referenced more during the season. If she was supposed to be Bill’s OTP, why was she basically forgotten for 10 episodes? As a result, while it was great to see Heather return, it still had a feeling of deus ex machina about it that was unfortunate. And any viewers who missed The Pilot and jumped on late - they were screwed figuring out what the heck that was all about with the woman made of water.

One last negative was the fact we were left with no real resolution for Nardole. We saw him setting off with a bunch of kids and a girlfriend(!) but the impression given is they were still dead because they’d be spending their time moving up the ship and eventually the Cybermen would regroup and get ‘em. I hope Moffat plans to resolve this at Christmas because I felt the story wasn’t completed. This one I’d hate to have to leave to Big Finish to flesh out but perhaps they’ll have to.

OK - negative stuff over. Time for the positives.

Despite the fact I disliked World Enough and Time on the whole, I said I loved the opening and the closing minutes of that episode. Well, The Doctor Falls was basically all “opening and closing minutes,” (you can take that literally as virtually every scene felt like a teaser or cliffhanger and the longer running time flew by) and it was great and exactly the type of episode I was starved for this series. Had Series 10 had more of these I might have even joined the chorus of those calling Series 10 the best, even without Clara.

Despite the criticism I just stated, I loved how Bill and Heather were reunited (read my complaint again and the bottom line is I wanted there to be more of them) and Pearl Mackie gave her best performance ever as Bill. The character had a shaky start in my opinion, but Mackie was exemplary and Bill stands proud with the other iconic companions because of it. She’ll go far.

And Matt Lucas was great as always, and in some respects I’m going to miss Nardole more than Bill (ironic since I hated Nardole in the 2015 Christmas special). That’s nothing against Bill or Pearl Mackie, but even though he was shoehorned in to a good chunk of the season, Lucas just felt right once it was decided to make him a proper companion, and that was something that occurred to me way back in Return of Doctor Mysterio. I’d say Lucas would go fear but the guy’s already gone far. So I’ll just say he’ll go farther.

The Master Twins were amazing and had terrific chemistry and while I don’t believe for one second that this is the end for the Master (the Missy incarnation, perhaps), it was a unique resolution to Missy’s arc that I’m sure had many going “why hadn’t we thought of that?” I also found it fascinating to see how the Saxon Master reacted to having a female incarnation (despite the Doctor’s comments last week, Saxon seemed to suggest Missy was his first/only female version). He wasn’t that thrilled about it, really, which caught me by surprise. It added an unexpected depth to their meeting. I only wish we saw Simm regenerate into Gomez but then maybe that opens the door for another incarnation, if Missy is truly the final Master. I kind of hope she is, because it would be great to think that in the end, after teasing the concept for 46 years, the show finally made good on the promise of redeeming the Master. Plus, let’s be honest, male or female, who could follow Michelle Gomez?

And then there was Peter. What can I say? I mean, his speech about kindness is one they’re going to be quoting for years. And I hope the other Doctor actors are ready because just as with the Pandorica speech and the Zygon Inversion speech, they’re going to be asked to recite it forever. I’ve given up on awards, but Peter Capaldi is in my opinion the best actor to ever pilot the TARDIS, and I’m not just saying that because he’s the incumbent and I liked Whouffaldi. No - all the actors who have played the Doctor were amazing (yes, even him - whoever you want “him” to be). But Capaldi is the best. And I am including Sir John Hurt as I say that, with no disrespect intended to the late legend (or any of the others).

The regeneration - I mean, wow. And to see him repress it. That’s new and will make the Christmas special absolutely fascinating to watch from a performance perspective, alone.

David Bradley as the First Doctor? I don’t know about that. This isn’t 1983 when Richard Hurndall could step into William Hartnell’s shoes because no one had DVDs of any of Bill’s episodes. Apparently we’ve already had some viewers state confusion on Twitter over who this old guy is. I’ve no doubt that David Bradley will do a good job, but recasting an earlier Doctor, especially one with such a different acting style... jury is out. Much as I like Bradley I actually would have been more in favour of Sean Pertwee appearing as his dad. Ask me again on December 26.

Finally, of course, me being a Whouffaldi fan I cannot end this without mentioning the Clara flashback. I can’t begin to express how important this was. For her to have been omitted ... while it might have worked from the memory block perspective, it would have made the sequence feel incomplete. Does it mean the Doctor remembers Clara? Actually, we know that he does to a degree already - he says so to Clara herself in Hell Bent that he remembers their adventure together and has been able to piece together a lot about Clara, and at the end of the episode he sees Rigsy’s portrait of her, so he now remembers her face and, thanks to the diner, her voice. But then again - he would remember her face and voice from the diner if it was a “fresh” memory, right? Instead, he remembers her as she was in Last Christmas. So is it possible that Bill’s tears did more than give Twelve a stay of execution? That they - or the fact the Doctor is mid-regeneration - have undone it. Time will tell. I’m aware of certain tabloid reports today (also mentioned on the BBC) and I refuse to get my hopes up. But maybe it was foreshadowing. Or Moffat simply realized that to leave Clara out of a roll-call of every Modern Era companion would have made him look like a dick. Either way, we got a final direct reference to Clara to end the season on. (And River fans got one too, so everyone’s happy.)

One of these days I’ll do a proper postmortem on Series 10, going into detail as to why I didn’t care for it as a whole. But for me the finale hit all the right notes and leaves me looking forward to Christmas, even though a sad milestone awaits.

PS: Because there seems to be a lot of people harping online about Clara’s appearing in the flashback and the potential for her to appear at Christmas (of the “don’t bring her back ever” variety) let me state for the record that as far as I am concerned Bill Potts and Nardole are welcome to reappear or be referenced any time. Hopefully they’ll get a nod at Christmas.

#twelfth doctor #bill potts #the doctor falls #nardole #doctor who commentary #DWS10SPOILERS

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undergroundbandimagines · 3 years

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Why Online Dating Can Be a Relief When You’re Over 30

I wonder if they’re single? A question that becomes more annoying the older you get…

Photo by Martin Wettstein on Unsplash

As I get nice and settled into my mid 30s, I realize I work on the assumption that people my age are not available for dating until proven otherwise. It’s not upsetting, it’s just a safe bet.

Now, wait, hold on a second. I rock that single life a whole lot. Other people my age are single sometimes too, of course; I know this. But it’s just the truth that the older you get, the less singletons are prowling around. Compared to the more experimental relationships of our 20s, we know that age tends to bring more stable and long-term relationships that are less likely to end any time soon. It’s just statistics. Sure, folks are coupling later in life than previous generations, but the trend remains. People tend to get themselves coupled up over time. The dating pool gets smaller. That is a fact.

Why do I feel totally fine assuming people my age (at work/in the store/at a party) aren’t single? Because I have options and I know how to use them. (What is that lovely saying about feminism without agency?)

Enter online dating: the place we can go knowing there are a ton of single people. No guessing. No pining after folks we can’t have. And no longer do we have to think about the archetypical speed dating scenes of embarrassed or despondent singles wearing name tags and shifting down a line of singles at some event. Now, there are multiple competing markets to gather all the date-ables in one digital area and have us mingle with truly available people at our leisure. There’s even this new video dating thing that’s catching on and it’s pretty snazzy. Huzzah.

Now, listen. I don’t cut myself off completely from being open to dating folks I meet offline. That works sometimes too. I’ve had some travel fun. I’ve gone to an adult birthday party where there was a single dude before (one single dude, wowwww, what choices).

Hey, I have day jobs in industries filled with men and if I wanted to date at work, I could certainly try. I’ve done it before. Funny, there are zero times it didn’t have complications or needed to be a secret in the beginning. And personally, I don’t like coworkers meddling with my flirt game. I once mentioned off-handedly that I thought a coworker was “my type” and next thing I knew he was suddenly hanging around and putting on a show all the time. He had been tipped off high school rumor style and now my power to choose if I wanted to pursue it on my own terms was gone.

There are always good reasons I don’t date at work — conflict of interest relating to my position at work being one of them. Not everyone feels comfortable dating at work and a lot of times, that’s a pretty small and steady pool if you’re not doing a job that interacts with the public.

The same goes for friends of friends or family recommendations. Honestly, I don’t meet many new people through my close circle and when I do, I feel there is something larger at stake and the risk is not mine alone. Instead of me exploring how I feel about someone on my own, I might feel a pressure to make it work. When things don’t go well, your social circles can experience some drama and it’s more upsetting and meaningful in an older group of friends than a bunch of college pals at a frat party (okay, I didn’t go to frat parties, but whatever gatherings you attended at 22). We’re friggin’ adults now. We have more at stake with our connections.

Oh, and meeting a nice single guy at a coffee shop or local bookstore? If I relied on that method, I would be hard pressed to date more than once a year. C’mon with that whole thing.

And what about the introverts? So many folks struggle very hard with putting themselves out there in social situations and feel uncomfortable talking to strangers or new people. Isn’t online dating just the perfect answer to some of these caveats? I think it is.

I know I’m somewhat unusual in this perspective, but I really and truly enjoy online dating. Not every date is a home run, of course. I just love having a space where I go to meet brand new people outside of my work and social circles and get my flirt on, free and clear. Even if the dates are weird, I have stories to tell and experiences to think about.

I suppose I take it much less seriously in some ways because I’ve had years of practice and experience doing it. That applies to everything, right? Over time, when you get comfortable with an activity, you can better manage the anxiety around it. I feel pretty strongly that for myself, the benefits of online dating outweigh the silliness. Not much surprises me because I’ve become accustomed to the game of it, and I really just use it as the tool it is — to meet people, that’s all. I don’t find it to be a big deal, I don’t put much emotional stress into it. If I’m single and I feel like meeting someone new, I get online and start going on dates. Some are okay. Some are good. Once in a while, one turns into a relationship. Come to think of it, I haven’t had a terrible one in a really long time. I guess… practice matters.

Sure, initially, online dating has its frustrations and dark sides; I’ll be the first to admit it. If you’re not smart about it, you can find yourself overwhelmed by numbers, underwhelmed by good matches and turned off by a bad experience in no time. Plenty of people try some form of online dating and just don’t like it or can’t handle it, whether that’s because they feel it’s a waste of their time, they don’t like the profile exaggerations, or they’re unhappy with the dates they’ve gone on and don’t see anything different on the horizon. They just don’t see the value in it for their life and they don’t like the pressure of romance up front. They would rather wait it out and hope for opportunities in their offline life to provide some singles.

To that I say — great! Good luck! If you put effort in that way, you will also find some people to date. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s just a matter of patience. I could even argue that there is a lot more time spent and effort put into meeting people in person that way, but perhaps there is more to be gained through other parts of those experiences that don’t involve dick picks and glitter filters. You do you. I might even recommend you use the power of the internet in a different way and try an app like Meetup where there is no romantic expectation, it’s just doing stuff with people for fun. You can join activities with new people and expand your social circles in the hopes that you find a connection with a single eventually.

The point here is that the older you get, the less that situation presents itself and if you actually want to date, there are, let’s call them, resources. The online space, I would argue, just increases your opportunities to meet singles by about a thousand. That’s a lot. Now, there are a thousand single dudes at the party. Holy crap. Quick, get some filters up, for the love of Pete!

In fact, why are there so many dudes? I’m going to address the hetero ladies for a moment because, yes, the online dating world is a great resource, but it’s also disproportionately filled by men right now. Ladies, why ya’ll so scared?

From asking women I know, I think vulnerability has a lot to do with hesitance in going online. There are also some outdated mindsets that tend to permeate the hetero women population when it comes to traditional roles of courting (I love that word, it’s so bitchy). It’s becoming slightly less prominent in the upcoming generations (thank goodness), but women have been taught to be pursued. They have been told they should not have to work to find a partner. They should just sit back and be paraded with fancy peacock men shaking their feathers and begging to be their suitors and the prettiest feathers wins. A woman putting herself on an app is a symbol of defeat, a loss of power and desirability as she was not able to achieve this long line of suitors in real life. Okay, fine, maybe a woman can make a profile to present her desirableness, but making a first move?! That’s not for women; women just being women is enough.

Hogwash. I do think women are fantastic, amazing creatures and we deserve all sorts of credit for our strengths — emotional perception, baby-making, caretaking or otherwise. But we have agency. We have decision making power. We can mold and shape our futures with choice and intelligence and are not beholden to the tradition of “bystander”. I want in on the game.

Going on dates is not losing power, it’s gaining it in my opinion. I never think of myself as a loser on a date. I think of myself as an explorer, ready to meet the challenge of the experience in front of me and invest myself in learning about attraction, love and partnership through discovery, not fear. Waiting around in the dark for someone else to turn a light on was never my thing. I will strike a match and burn my finger first to find a way out.

It can be scary, I know. If we go deeper into the idea of vulnerability on the apps, it applies to everyone. Where once you felt like being single was a private, invisible piece of information you can choose to reveal or not and in spaces where that information didn’t really matter to those around you, openly dating on the internet is like wearing an “I’m Single” hat at a singles theme park. You’re exposed! Everyone knows why you’re there, you know why everyone is there, and we’re all trying to get on the best rides. This is madness!

Here’s the lovely thing though — you have complete control. Online dating is easy to turn on and off. Nobody from your personal or work life is on there that gives a hoot, so you have no one to answer to. I would also argue it’s pretty safe these days. If you’re unsure of someone’s character, you can have video dates without ever giving your number or contact information (thank you technology!).

You have just as much of a chance of meeting a weirdo out in the real world as online because, well, these people are also in the real world somewhere. These people are me. These people are you. We’re single. We want to date. Come prepared with some healthy filtering that makes sense for you and a sense of humor, sure. You may get five minutes in and bow out gracefully, deciding that you’d rather wait it out on the real world and take your chances on the once a year bookstore encounter. Fine, cool.

But for those who are sick of wondering, are they single? Rollercoasters can be pretty fun. Now, where’s my hat…

Why Online Dating Can Be a Relief When You’re Over 30 was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

More Relationship Advice

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sharnngan · 3 years

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Why Online Dating Can Be a Relief When You’re Over 30

I wonder if they’re single? A question that becomes more annoying the older you get…

Photo by Martin Wettstein on Unsplash

As I get nice and settled into my mid 30s, I realize I work on the assumption that people my age are not available for dating until proven otherwise. It’s not upsetting, it’s just a safe bet.

Oh, and meeting a nice single guy at a coffee shop or local bookstore? If I relied on that method, I would be hard pressed to date more than once a year. C’mon with that whole thing.

But for those who are sick of wondering, are they single? Rollercoasters can be pretty fun. Now, where’s my hat…

How Do You Feel About Love?

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gilmoregirlsbigbrother · 5 years

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DAN’S JURY Q&A

Clash

What did you do other than come off as arrogant, being in premade alliances?

I apologize if I ever came off arrogant. I felt like I was in a reasonable position most of the game. I didn’t have to worry much about winning things due to my social game. If you think that’s arrogant I’m sorry, but I own it and I’m sorry that you clearly felt slighted by that.

To address the premade alliance that’s just not true. If that was the case why did I come into f8 with me and nick along with a six person alliance that included you? My relationships with people and my strategic moves got me to this point. Knowing people before this game shouldn’t be used against me as many people play games with the same people over and over again. Also if we’re talking about a “premade” I’m looking at your zwooper alliance rn.

Karen:

What do you guys really think made you get to the end? The “strategy” that y’all played or the fact that everyone sucked infinitely more at challenges than both of you that you really had no competition. Also when did u think was the point in the game in which you guys knew you were making the end?

I think that the “strategy” I used definitely got me here over the fact that there was “no competition”. I lost my fair share of competitions. Sammy was a huge comp threat in my mind, as well as Andrew. They were really strong and I knew that if I wanted to have a shot at making it to the end, I had to at least get one or both of them out. My strategy was to be social with pretty much everyone so that people wouldn’t nominate me. I think this worked really well since I was only nominated once premerge and once postmerge. The premerge one shook me because I thought I had a strong relationship with Nick. Instead of holding it against him (after my meltdown) I tried to work with him and even had him tell me about his power.

I think I knew I had a good shot of making it to the end after Clash went to jury. That left me with a splintered large alliance and Nick and I. I had at some point been in an alliance chat with everyone except Nick at that point so I knew as long as I kept my relationships up I had a pretty good shot of making it deep in the game. I knew I was pretty much getting at least final 3 after Sammy was evicted because I felt that my final 3 alliance in myself, Drew, and Andrew was strong enough to bulldoze our way to the end.

Nick

I’m mad at you and I need answers. You GRILLED me for not giving you the chance to plea your case during my hoh and then you do the exact same thing WITH AN EVICTION to Andrew. I think if you don’t see the hypocrisy in that then you are going to lose the game. I want you to recognize and explain why you cut Andrew like that at final 3 because in my eyes you lost some jury members respect with that one. It just seems really sloppy and I’ll admit when I did it I owned it was sloppy looking back and I think if you want a shot to win you gotta own it. As for my official question... you were also loyal to the point where I’m considering it almost coasting. Did you really have plans in the game because it seemed anytime you did something it instantly got countered with another completely different move that made the first one seem almost irrelevant (like saving me just to evict me the next week)?

WHEW I got roasted huh. I 100% own cutting Andrew without giving him a chance to plead his case as lowkey sloppy. I gave you a hard time about not being able to plead my case because it was so early on in the game and I was so scared I wouldn’t make jury etc. I saw myself as a threat and wanted to do well. It was definitely not my shining moment in this game. The reason in my mind that I didn’t let Andrew plead his case was because I had discussed with Drew before part 3 the possibility of taking me to final 2. He told me that he was taking Andrew (something I was thinking of doing as well) and got scared that Andrew would have a good case at f3 saying his social game was good enough to have both players taking him to the end. Andrew played a good social game throughout in my opinion, one better than me, so I felt if given the opportunity to plead his case he could easily mist me into taking him to the end. I wasn’t sure what was better, giving him the opportunity to talk, knowing full well I would evict him anyway, OR blindside him and boot him without giving him a chance to convince me otherwise. I think that’s the messy part of all of this and I do want to apologize that it came across messy because it was truly messy on my part.

Onto the actual question, I think I did have plans in this game. I’m going to go with the point you made: saving you one week, and evicting you’re the next. I did this because straight up, after nominating me, I didn’t trust you. I felt like you tried to give me the olive branch by telling me about the special veto, but you also told a bunch of other people... so I felt the apology and stuff was superficial. I knew Clash was after me 100% and him going first before you was the priority. If I had saved Clash and Clash won the next hoh I was pretty much still going up on the block (in my mind). With you, I felt that I had a reasonable chance of not going on the block if you won the next hoh. I evicted you the next round to get me and my alliance further, as well as for protection for myself end game. You’re a smart player nick and I don’t think you would have let me get to the end. It was all planned that way. Another thing I did this season with intention was work on backdooring Sammy. Yes it was late in the game, but I knew that I needed to paint my target as Liana and have Sammy go home. I discussed with Drew and Andrew that he was a bigger threat and would have done whatever I needed to to get Karen off the block and Sammy on it. That’s a move I made with intention that wasn’t counteracted.

Andrew

Hello gentleman. I love you both and I am beyond happy that our solid alliance of 3 made it to the end, but I do have some things to say. And since I’m an ugly, pretentious English major and I actually did care greatly about this game, this is gonna be a longer read. The issue is, I have come to find entering the jury that I was getting votes, but now those votes for me have to be oddly dispersed between you two in an environment where people are finding some big flaws in both of your games (and yes I am humble bragging that I could have very well won because I generally suck at BB and my best BB placement before this was 9th so let me have this moment).

Dan. I’m not really sure why you deserve my individual vote when I was nothing more than a “bandaid” that had to be ripped off without you letting me campaign (no matter HOW CERTAIN you were that you were voting me out) when I was offline. Before you say, “well you had like 3 days before while final HOH was actually happening to campaign,” I’m gonna hit you with the idea that I’m a firm believer in there being a very different way in which you campaign before final noms, and after final noms. And like it or not, that was an after final noms period. Even if it’s instantly evicting like in actual BB, the noms at least have SOMETHING to quickly say. You did not give me this opportunity. In a world where you were lying to Drew about me “begging” you to take me to final 2 if you won final HOH - which Drew didn’t even believe by the way - there was no chance in hell I was going to say something before either you or Drew won TO YOU that you could have brought back to Drew in an event to put him against me, hence why I didn’t campaign before hand. So with all that being said, why do you deserve my vote when you essentially took away my agency and sent me to the jury because you - I assume - couldn’t handle me campaigning to you?

I think you hit the nail on the head about why I evicted you without giving you a chance to campaign. You were going to win this game. You played the best game of us three having formal alliances all over the place and really staying under the radar through it all. Looking back I SHOULD have given you the opportunity to give your spiel and I apologize for not allowing that. It does jeopardize the integrity of the game and for that I’m sorry. After all is said and done I don’t know that you would have misted me into keeping you, but my big old gay heart probably would have broken if I had heard your plea. As far as the Drew thing, the conversation I had with him was not that you begged me. I told him that you and I had discussed going to the end together very early on and that our bond superseded his. That is a conversation you and I had early on, so I was bringing it up to counter him saying you two had made a deal day one to go to the end together.

Onto why I should get your vote. I should get your vote because we were on the same page the whole game. I know that we had our alliance between the three of us but I talked to you way more in pms than I did with Drew. Now you might be like “why does that matter to me”. It should matter because I feel like we worked together to make things happen for us. If you feel like the jury was voting for you for the individual moves you made strategically, I was right there with you. We worked so fucking well together and I feel like we deserved to be here at the end, I just had to take Drew to (hopefully) have a better shot of differentiating my personal game from yours. I was there for you and you were there for me, we were honest with each other, and I deserve your vote because I played fucking hard and to win. I wish you could be here with me in final 2, but I also needed to give credit where credit is due and take you out when I could. You’re a great player and friend and I respect any decision you make. I hope you’re not too hurt by me because I really value you as a friend in my life. Thank you so much for this question as well ❤️

Adrian

Hi. Congrats to the both of you making it to the end of this game! As someone who was the first juror, I was gonna base my jury vote on the fact what other jurors said as they came in one by one, and that was a failed tactic. So I am forced to ask you guys a question because everyone left is split down the middle...

Anyway, your question is: if you had to turn back the clock in this game and have a reset button... when would you use it and why?

I love this question, we stan creativity. I would probably hit the reset button when I flipped out on Nick for nominating me. I think it made me look childish and kind of took away from my overall game. I could have handled it better and used it as an opportunity to reflect and build meaningful relationships. It kind of blinded me to working with Nick again and I think we could have been beneficial allies to one another had I not made him public enemy number 2 (behind clash) in my head.

Liana

Dan: Hello.

Sammy

Do you think you were active this game if so rate your activity 1-10 and how well did you interact with other players. What was your original strategy coming into the game and did you continue it to the end or how did it change?

I would say I was a solid 9, especially compared to the premerge players. I think I interacted pretty well with people overall this game. I had some hiccups along the way like when I called out Liana as my target and when I had my fight with Nick, but I think overall I would say that part of my game was an 8/10.

My strategy coming in was to really work on my social game. I wanted to really get to know people and work with as many people as I can. I think my social game was strong with those who were active. I didn’t expect to really have to be super strategic this game, but that kind of unfolded as the game progressed. I just tried to be as adaptable as possible this game.

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