#the game is your own mind - deal with your own existential crisis as you wish

[jemmo]

Making sense of love for love's sake: the game

Despite all the things i absolutely adore about how the plot unravels and expands in love by love's sake, upon first watch, there's some things i couldn't piece together, which @lurkingshan echoes in their post:

'The way the author was messing with Myungha and forcing cruel choices on him really does not track with a desire to help him find happiness.'

And to preface, this is not something i fully get yet either. I think i'll need a good month and a sizeable reading list of relevant resources to understand just what/who this author/sunbae is and what his role is and how he is associated with myungha. But as always with the best shows for meta (aka bad buddy), as a plot unfolds, you can always find a better understanding by looking backwards and re-contextualising what you've already seen. so i watched ep 1, specifically the scene between myungha and his sunbae at the bar. And i will talk about how everything said in this scene has a whole new meaning now we know the full story, but for now i wanna focus on that question that they keep coming back to; "Then... will you change it for him?".

When you watch the show for the first time, your brain follows the simplest, most obvious version of the story you're being told, one where myungha has been pulled into the world of his sunbae's novel that's being turned into a game and given the opportunity to fix the thing he didn't like about it; making yeowoon happy, and thus you just think the rules of the game are imposed by the author, and so when these cruel choices first come up, you see them as the difficult roadblocks that are nevertheless necessary to any kind of game, forcing the player to make an impossible choice so that the game can continue in a certain direction and its only after that you learn whether it was the right choice or not, or there is no right choice, it simply changes the game you are playing.

And when its revealed what this game actually is, at first i tried to interpret these cruel choices, namely the choice between yeonwoon and myungha's grandma, and at best i could come up with the concept of this being a choice between staying stuck to the past aka choosing his grandma, even though he knows that choice doesn't mean she's safe bc he knows the future where he loses here, its an inevitability, but thats the small happiness he knew before it was taken away and thus that happiness is known and safe, theres no risk, versus choosing to pursue a new happiness, a love of yeowoon and thus himself, which he doesn't know, he hasn't experienced yet, and could be risky. Its a happiness that isn't guaranteed like his grandma, but its a happiness that looks to the future and has hope in it that he can find a new happiness to pursue despite what has happened in his past.

And that fits nice, okayish. But then i watched ep 1 and heard that question "Then... will you change it for him?" And watching through the rest of the eps, we come back to this scene at the bar and each time we get a new run up to the author asking this question, either new dialogue is added or we hear a different piece of the conversation entirely. It starts at the beginning of ep 1 as:

"Because Cha Yeowoon is the only one who's miserable." "It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile."

Then a bit later in ep 1 we go back and its expanded.

"It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile." "Why? Do you think you'd write it differently?" "Yes, definately. Someone like Cha Yeowoon, or someone like me with an awful life, can also be happy."

And then all the way on in ep 6, we get this new dialogue.

"I don't like talking about destiny." "Why?" "Because it means everything is predestined." "Then do you not believe in fate?" "Fate and destiny are the same. My grandma likes to say that. She said life is like a written book, and how you'll live and die are written in it. (...)I don't like things like this. Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." "Really? Then Myungha..."

And while we don't hear the author ask the same question, I feel like him getting cut off like that insinuates that the conversation leads to that same ending point. All that is to say, every time we hear this question being asked, its like we learn more and more about what this whole thing is, what the game is, what myungha is saying he will do by agreeing to do what the author asks. And every time, we see myungha being more defiant against the idea of yeowoon being resigned to his miserable ending. He starts off thinking that kind of life is destined, and while it's miserable, its not something he can fight. Then he says he'd want to write the story differently, bc yeowoon, or even him, could be happy. He challenges the idea that yeowoon, and thus himself, is fated to be miserable, and opens up the possibility for happiness for them both, but doesn't yet have the means or resolve to do it, its like he knows its possible on a fundamental level, but doesn't see it as something he can actually achieve. But then we circle back to the idea of destiny and books, both of which came up in the previous quote, and seems incredibly pertinent seen as this whole thing is about a novel this author has written. Myungha talks about how he hates the idea that life is a book where everything written is predestined to happen, from the moment you live to the moment you die. He says "Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." That vile way of life he described before that he said was destined, he is now saying it can be changed, and that possibility is now something he's holding onto, its what he sees hope in so that he can keep trying, bc now he finally is trying, he has the resolve, he's trying to realise this thing, this impossibility of rewriting the life he thought was destined through the way he loves yeowoon.

And coming back to those cruel choices, given this fresh context, it made me think. bc this isn't actually a game that myungha has been put into where the rules are dictated by an author completely separate from him. He said himself, he'd rewrite it, he'd change things for yeowoon. And when you start to think of it less as him fighting against a rigid, removed system and more like him being a character in a story he is trying to rewrite himself, that has both the author and his own limitations, or just his own if you're in the school of thought that the author is some figment or part of myungha himself or his conciousness, then you can start to see where these cruel choices might come from. They could be myungha, the author making edits to this new story, imposing his own doubts and limitations on himself. When he says he has to pick between Yeowoon and his grandma, what if that's the new author myungha seeing this story unfold and thinking no this isn't right, he can't have it all, i'm not deserving of this much happiness.

And what makes me like this idea even more is that when we get that second choice between ending after 14 days or getting 100 days back at the cost of resetting Yeowoon's affection to 0, that whole conversation happens in what I think the bar actually is which is this frozen moment in time where myungha is in the water with this extension of a voice in his head that is talking through these things. That conversation in itself needs its own post, but when you look at it both as a decision to break up or not or a decision to hold onto life or not, you can see how the author is just this soundboard relaying the decisions myungha is going through in his head. The author's voice is his own, weighing up his decisions. And if he is the author here, it only reinforces that the person making the rules of this game is him. You can even extend it further to the idea of the debuffs, where he puts in place this thing that makes it so he causes harm to yeowoon when he's around, and its only by garnering affection that he can prevent it. He gives himself a reason from the get go to stay away from yeowoon and reason it as him doing it for yeowoon's safety, when in fact the only way to make yeowoon safe is to increase his affection, which he can only do by being near him. Its a system that at first gives myungha a reason to stay away aka not like himself, but ultimately says the only way you're going to make yeowoon like you, or the only way you can like yourself, is if you accept risk. And that in itself screams to me of a myungha writing in these game systems that are trying to encourage his own-self love while falling at the hurdle of his own lack of self-worth.

The idea is still messy in my head even for me, but i just really like the idea that myungha could be trying to fix this thing both as a character and game master, and that both these versions of him have these flaws that manifest in their different ways to cause the events we see. It kinda is the definition of being your own worst enemy, the idea that in order to work towards loving yourself, the biggest obstacle you have to encounter is yourself, bc we are the ones holding ourselves back, making all these rules that make it harder to like ourselves and pursue our own happiness. The voices in our head telling us that we aren't good enough and aren't deserving are our own, and while the things that happen to us can inform what they say, we're the one's reinforcing those words. And what this show teaches us is that, if we're the one holding that pen all along, we can choose to change what those words are. If we make the rules, you don't have to create a game with concrete ultimatums, you can create a game where rules don't control you. Instead, you make the decisions, and you can make the ones that make you happy.

#wow look at me writing actual kinda thought out meta #also something something about how the pen being in his pocket wasnt a pen given to him by the author its a pen that was his the whole time #look even if this isnt the right interpretation as intended by the author i just kinda adore this headcanon ive come up with and i cant wai #to rewatch the show again through this lens and see if it holds up #i just adore the idea of this whole thing being this manifestation of a flawed doubtful person trying to navigate through their own messy #nonsensical thoughts to find their own happiness #bc yes thats what triggered me thinking of this whole thing. me seeing that post and thinking yeah that doesnt make sense7 #but then again when you tell yourself things an put your own mental blocks in the way they dont make sense either but you still have to fin #the ways to work around them in order to find happiness #like those things dont go away we just find the loopholes or the ways to overcome them that mean we can be happy #the game is your own mind - deal with your own existential crisis as you wish #anyway this is only part 1 in what i hope will be a very extensive meta analysis of this show - stay tuned #love for love's sake

[astaroth1357]

An MC Who Treats The Brothers Like a Kindergarten Teacher 

Okay, so I know I still have requests. I will get back to them right after this, but I just saw a post that gave me this idea and I had had had to get it out!! Requests will be back after this! Thank you MRS. Green Apple (my favorite band ever) and their song Present for this fun little romp of mine. 🤭

Lucifer

He is so conflicted on this it makes him wish he drank more…

On the one hand, he HATES how patronizing they can be… but even he can't deny how much progress they’ve made in his brothers. Mammon especially.

They're all actually studying more, cleaning up after themselves, doing their chores, and being polite… it's… admittedly he having an existential crisis...

This is what he's been missing this whole time?? Sticker charts?! And come on, they're all on the Student Council for Hell's sake! How could the most powerful beings in the Devildom be won over so easily by the same tactics used on human schoolchildren!?! Have some dignity!!

For the first month he just watched them whip his brothers into shape in barely concealed horror. It was so surreal...

But at about the time the MC managed to get Mammon and Levi to stop fighting and apologize for being mean to each other, he threw in the towel. Whether he liked them or not, he conceded that the human was a blessing in disguise and left most of the discipline to them from then on.

He's never been more productive in his life and he can actually get a night or two of good sleep with no interruptions... He's taken the MC out to lunch on multiple occasions and is still trying to talk Diavolo into letting them make this a permanent arrangement. They may actually get his brothers to become well-behaved demons yet...!

Mammon

Okay so, don't get it twisted. He doesn't need their stickers, or their love, or their approval, or all that positive reinforcement or anything! He's just playing along with them okay?? Okay?!

He scoffed at the whole thing at first because, look, he's no child. He's a grown-ass demon! What were little stickers of Devildom currency supposed to do for him??

But when they told him a completed chart would earn him a shopping spree outta their pocket… Well now they were talking.

He just did it at first for the big prize, but every time he finished a task the MC would be sure to notice how hard he worked and tell him he did a good job or compliment him somehow and… well… he doesn't get that a lot...

After a while he kind of forgot about filling out the chart because he would be excited to run to them and tell them what good thing he did next. Turns out this boy was starving for any kind of approval. 😖

The first time he actually finished his chart they told him how proud they were and he almost cried... Almost. He ain't that soft, okay??

Though he does mess up still, he probably makes the most progress of the House, much to everyone's disbelief. He's also super protective of his stickers and HATES when they're taken away so none of y'all better drag him into your problems, ya hear??

Leviathan 

He feels like this normie is weird even for human standards… Why do they keep offering him stickers…?

Well… They are Ruri-chan themed so he's not complaining that much.

He's not even sure where they got them from… He thought he had a pulse on every bit of merch that comes out for his favorite characters so they must had those custom ordered and that's dedication.

They told him that they'd get him a new game for every finished chart, which was nice but not necessary, he kind of just liked getting more little pictures of Ruri-chan like the collector he is. 😌

After a while, the MC started subtly theming his tasks more toward getting out of his room and being more productive... In baby steps, of course.

He'd be scared, but they were always there to praise him any time he tried. With a little bit of time, he actually started getting more confident! I mean, not a lot but hey. It's improvement.

The human even managed to get Mammon to pay him back a little bit of the money he’s owed! Well, it was literally just one night's paycheck from Hell's Kitchen but it was still more than he's seen in three centuries so he'll take it! He goes to them whenever he needs to butter up Mammon now... They’re an excellent go-between.

Satan

Ah… So the MC is well-versed in psychological manipulation… Well he refuses to fall for it.

They could offer him all the stickers they wanted, he’s going to just fall in line like his brothers! He didn't need any psychological training from them, even as the youngest he’s centuries older than they are!

But wait… are those stickers cat themed…? And is that one in a little cowboy hat??

… Touché human. He'll play nice once or twice but he doesn't need their cute stickers!

A part of him got a lot of joy out of watching Lucifer finally admit that this living nursery rhyme of a being was better at controlling his brothers than he was… Talk about a slice of humble pie, he even got it all on camera… 😏

But his brother wasn't wrong... The House has never been cleaner and everyone's grades were up, even his own. As odd as it was to say, bringing the human to the Devildom seemed to have produced a net positive all around. 🤷‍♀️

And after he discovered that the MC convinced Lucifer to let him volunteer at a human world animal shelter each time he completed a chart… Move over, Beel. He's going to finish the most charts in the House now. Just you wait.

Asmodeus 

Oh honey, he knows a thing or two about punishment and reward systems. It's going to take some pretty nice prizes for him to play this game...

Which is why his stickers get followed up by kisses.

For each new sticker, he gets to pick a spot to kiss them or for them to kiss him (though they don't let him get too pervy with it)

Finish the dishes? Get a kiss on the hand. Two hour of studying? There's one for the cheek. And so on.

The others get jealous of his deal pretty quickly and start asking for kisses too but he'll throw a fit if he ever finds out. The human's kisses are HIS prize so everyone else will just have to live with it! 😠

Asmo, drama-hog that he is, is also the biggest snitch in the House. He loooves telling the MC about when his brothers mess up and should lose stickers, Mammon especially because it make him sooo pissed.

He's also in a betting war with Satan over how many days it’ll take Belphie to actually get up and do his chores for a change... The current wager is two weeks or more.

Beelzebub 

Thought it was a little weird that the human seemed so obsessed with praising him and calling him a good boy but whatever. 

(Little did he know they were subtly using him like a role model of everybody else but that's neither here nor there 🤷‍♀️)

He doesn't mind the sticker thing because he gets them so easily. The theme seems to be: be responsible, helpful, and not a jerk which he passes with flying colors so it’s really not a challenge for him.

It was only after they told him that they'd take him out to Hell's Kitchen with each completed chart that he really got serious about it...

If you think normal Beel is sweet, actually trying to be sweet Beel is practically an angel all over again. He even stopped stealing food from other people's plates when the MC told him he could lose stickers for it… (which means that Levi can start eating breakfast for a change, at least. 🤷‍♀️)

He's long since completed five charts and is well into his sixth. It doesn't matter what it is, if food is on the line then Beel will knock it out of the park every time. If Lucifer wasn't funding their sticker project, then he honestly would have bankrupted the MC a long time ago… 😅… 😟… 😥...

Belphegor 

What the-? Did he leave his brothers for a few months and they all formed a cult or something?? Why is everyone suddenly so obsessed with stickers???

He doesn't understand the appeal at all... Do chores around the house and get a prize? What kind of game were they trying to play here?? No thanks. He'll pass.

Belphie proved pretty hard to motivate, even with prizes, so the MC had to try a different tactic…

If there's anything that can motivate Belphie, it's the promise of good sleep and cuddles. But if they made it too difficult to get and he'd just sleep by himself in pouty defiance...

So they told him that he needs to get at least two or three stickers every few days or they'll stop cuddling completely until he does. 

He didn't think they were serious at first… but any time he'd try to get his arms around them, they'd sidestep or slip out of the way like they had a sixth sense or something! What kind of superhuman reflexes do you need to keep up with human anklebiters???

It took a week for him to finally relent and join the freaky sticker cult that makes up the rest of his family... He remains self-aware enough to always point out how fucking bizarre it all is... but hey. He's too lazy to do much about it, so who cares right? 🤷‍♀️

Check out my Masterlist for more!

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me belphegor #obey me beelzebub #obey me asmodeus #it just needed to happen #i have weird ideas sometimes

[moonah-rose]

I'm not a gamer so I haven't seen a second of R2D2 RDR2 but you're always talking about Arthur so c'mon babe, infodump on me your new comfort character!

And for TGP, because it's a classic, let's go with someone we haven't really discussed as much: our very own theater kid and strong, independent acid snake, Vicky <3

character: hate them | don’t really care | like them | LOVE them | THEY ARE MY PRECIOUS

ship with: A happy ending? Free healthcare? TB vaccine?! No but seriously the closest I come to shipping him with anyone would be Charles, who as you don't know the story is a half-native American, half-black member of the gang who is an absolute badass but even more stoic and quiet than Arthur. He's the only character Arthur hugs twice in the game and in almost any mission he's sent on he's like "I'LL TAKE CHARLES!" And Charles journeying all that way to find his body and bury him in the location he requested just breaks my heart.

His scenes with nature photographer Albert Mason are also fucking adorable and shippable.

brotp: This is the harder question. I love the drunken night out he has with Lenny, I love how he calls Sean his annoying little brother, and him and Uncle have my favorite convo in the game ("You're my favorite parasite!"). But the centre of the story revolves around him and John Marston so seeing them repair their brotherly bond which is so broken at the start only to lose each other as soon as they admit how they feel to each other is what brings the tears.

But then there's Arthur x Sadie, and while Arthur and John are like actual brothers, Arthur and Sadie are more like platonic soulmates. They're so much like Hellstrop where I was very close to shipping them at one point and could see it working in an au, but she's such a protective big sister in the end (despite being eleven years younger), and she's the one who leads the revenge mission in the end after Arthur's killer, with Charles and John.

general opinions: I hate Westerns. I hate cowboys. But my bestie was adamant I try this game and was certain I would fall in love with Arthur and I did (I fell in love with every character...except Micah). I can't help but compare him to the boys in Ted Lasso, especially Roy, where they have this appearance of being a tough, aggressive hardman but inside them is a heart of gold and rainbows! And just like TL, this game feels like such a deconstruction of typical 'masculine' tropes and stereotypes, where you have all these gruff cowboys opening up about their feelings, their love for each other, sitting around a campfire at 3am and singing songs or giving each other therapy.

And the same way that the Good Place made me rethink ethics and philosophy, RDR2 and Arthur especially gave me an existential crisis. I actually had a really vivid dream where I thought I had TB and was dealing with being afraid of death, the same way I'd watched Arthur go through, and that really shook me up, to the point where when I woke up I had to remember "Oh yeah, I'm vaccinated!" I think as it's a video game and a LOT longer than a movie or even series (my first playthrough was over fifty hours) it was so much more immersive and couldn't be told in any other medium. Arthur's relationship with his narcissistic, gaslighting father figure also hits very close to home with me. I just wanna wrap him up in blankets and pet his hair, the poor kitty.

blog rate: 1000/10

Now, for Vicky, this will be shorter as TGP is less on my mind these days.

character: hate them | don’t really care | like them | LOVE them | THEY ARE MY PRECIOUS

ship with: No one really but the idea of her and Tahani becoming close is a very, very hot image which is gonna be stuck in my head now...

brotp: Not really anyone as, sadly, we don't see the demons other than Michael and Shawn form that many relationships but I do wish we had seen more of her and Michael getting along once they patched things up.

general opinions: S4 would have been made a fork load better if we had had more Vicky. IDK doing what but just more, it couldn't have made it worse!

blog rate: 8/10

#the good place #red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #vicky tgp #arthur morgan #fandom ask game

[honsoolie]

don’t rush | 02

pairing: Yoongi/reader

genre: slight enemies to lovers, college au, fluff, eventual smut, classical pianist!yoongi, violinist!reader, they’re both actually really into each other but won’t admit it

warnings (for this chapter only): mentions of stage fright/performance anxiety, swearing, sexual references, slight angst, dad jokes :|  

words: 6k 

rating: +18

summary: You know, when Min Yoongi’s face isn’t screwed into an accusatory scowl, he looks exactly like the kind of guy you’d have no trouble falling in love with. Or, the conservatory au where Yoongi helps you get over your stage fright. In more ways than one.

a/n: didn’t plan to take this long for an update, life gets in the way, you know the drill. read 01 here and as always, this is crossposted to ao3 :) 

When you get inside, the warmth welcomes you in. You’re not quite sure if it’s from the heating in the hallway or how Yoongi’s eyes had shone in the moonlight. You lean against the inner door frame, a happy smile tugging at the corners of your mouth, legs a little weak in the knee. You feel light-headed, maybe from being up late, maybe from your exhausting day, maybe from the lingering remnants of Yoongi’s cologne. 

Did that really just happen? Did he really just ask for your number? Was this all a dream?

The euphoria is short-lasting, however. You still have some assignments waiting for you, and only a couple hours left until your morning classes. The tiredness never lets up, and your limbs heavy again as you make your way inside the lobby of your dorm.  

Unknown number (2:47am): hi this is yoongi 

Unknown number (2:47am): did you get inside ok? 

You (2:48am): yeah

You (2:48am): did u? 

  Yoongi (2:50am): im walking back now 

Yoongi (2:50am): you should sleep soon :// 

  You (2:51am): I still have hw :( 

You (2:51am): text me when ur back inside too 

  Yoongi (2:53am): lmaoo is it counterpoint hw 

Yoongi (2:54am): it’s so sweet that you care for my safety ;( 

  You (2:54am): yes sadly 

You (2:55am): ofc I care, we can’t have our amazing star pianist get hurt 

  Yoongi (2:55am): im home now

Yoongi (2:58am): you have a thing for praise, don’t you 

Even though you can’t see him, you splutter alone in your room, roommate fast asleep. There is no way that means what you think it means. 

You (3:00am): idk where u got that from 

You (3:03am): maybe i do, you’ll have to find out 

  Yoongi (3:04am): I would, but you have to finish your analysis worksheet :/ 

  You (3:15am): ugh, fuck it

You (3:15am): im going to sleep 

You (3:15am): ill just wake up early tomorrow to finish it before class 

  Yoongi (3:16am): what? No goodnight? >:( 

Yoongi (3:17am): some manners you have 

Yoongi (3:17am): what a rude girl 

  You (3:18am): aw have i been bad? 

You (3:18am): I’m sooooo sorry 

You (3:19am): gn 

The minutes tick by, and you grow more indignant than you should. Is he serious? 

Who doesn’t say goodnight back? Maybe you scared him off. Maybe all this “flirtatious” banter was just how Yoongi talked to his friends. How would you know? You don’t know anything about him. 

The same insidious doubt creeps back in. Maybe this is all a game to him. Maybe he just wanted to introduce himself to another music student in the department, you all were supposed to know each other anyway. Maybe, worst of all, he had really only meant to wake you up in the music building as a simple courtesy, no intent behind it. You groan as you sink into your bed, cradling your head in your hands. 

You (3:27am): some hypocrite you are 

  Yoongi (3:30am): I was in the showerrr relax 

Yoongi (3:31am): hm you have been bad 

Yoongi (3:33am): maybe I should punish you 

  You (3:29am): u wish 

You (3:30am): but goodnight for real, we have class in five hours :”( 

  Yoongi (3:31am): goodnight

Yoongi (3:31am): save me a spot next to you 

~

You were in the world’s smallest big crisis. 

Was Yoongi actually serious when he asked you to save a seat? Or were you just indulging in wishful thinking? Was he flirting with you last night? And if he was, what are you supposed to do now? 

Whatever he meant, you would have to face him now. 

The endless litany of maybes and what-ifs grows louder in your head, even louder than last night during your text correspondence with him.You elect to use your backpack to save the seat next to you as class time draws nearer, chiding yourself for overthinking something so casual, but it does nothing to soothe your existential anxiety. 

“Thanks for saving me a spot, I’m so glad you remembered.” A voice brings you out of your reverie. It takes a moment to register who it is at first. Your eyes meet the traditional college garb first, sweatpants and an overwashed fundraising t-shirt, then the half-tamed cowlick, that ever-present cup of coffee. Your breath catches in your throat, breathtaking despite the casual circumstances. It’s just another class lecture, you chastise yourself, but your gut twists nonetheless. 

Seeing Yoongi in such close quarters is still an adjustment for you, his presence (or even the thought of being close to him) a shock to your body. You had spent so much time languishing after him that even now, it still feels like waking up into a dream. 

You clear your throat, stalling, “Yeah, putting my backpack in the seat next to mine was sooo hard. You should compensate me for my labor.” 

You try to put on the flirty smile that you were wearing last night, but it feels like a grimace. God, you are way too nervous for this. 

You realize you’ll never get tired of the way he laughs at your shitty jokes, the way his shoulders shake and eyes crinkle at the corners. 

“Yeah, I will, don’t you worry about that.” He sinks into the seat next to you and doesn’t spare you a second glance. 

Dr. Won walks in, the picture of put-togetherness, killing whatever flirty response you had formulated. 

You thought you had enjoyed having a crush before, but admiring someone and imagining a life together from afar was worlds away from talking and sitting next to said object of affection. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. You shouldn’t be tripping all over yourself when Yoongi sits next to you in lecture. 

Whatever Dr. Won is saying is drowned out by Yoongi sitting next to you. It feels deeply unfair how he affects you, when he gets to sit next to you like nothing important is happening. It’s just another day in lecture, preparing for the midterms coming up. 

He’s not even doing anything, minding his own business. You shouldn’t be swooning when he is just sitting there, again bouncing his leg, taking diligent notes. From the furtive glances you steal, even his handwriting is attractive. Endearing, even if it was a little messy and looping over the printed lines.

~

True fact: the only reason why Yoongi fidgets so much is because of the effect you had on him. It drives him up the wall, the way you keep tucking your hair behind your ear. He envies your unfaltering concentration, the look in your eye when you see something on the Powerpoint slides that you have to jot down. 

Yoongi can’t stand to silently sit next to you without doing anything anymore. Taking his pen, he scrawls on the corner of your neat notes. He knows it’ll piss you off, but that’s the reaction that he wants. 

  do you have any idea what is going on 

  He watches carefully for your reaction. Satisfaction creeps into his neutral expression when you notice, confusion turning into what could only be a lovestruck smile, and then into an irritated grimace. Fuck, even the curve of your wrist was enough to drive him crazy. You pick up your pen, writing back. 

  No, stop writing on my stuff 

  Okay, new plan, Yoongi concedes. He settles for writing on the corner of his own notes, tearing off the corner. He slips the paper into your lap, fingertips skimming the top of your thigh. He doesn’t notice, but he leaves a trail of goosebumps in his wake. 

  don’t you think dr. won dresses like an old hag 

  You write back on the scrap of paper: 

actually you could learn a thing or two from her 

  Yoongi smirks, in classic Yoongi fashion. 

You know I would rock a long skirt like her 

  Yoongi watches you read his message, smile, and then tuck the note into your notebook. 

~

After class, Dr. Won reminds everyone of the midterm coming up two weeks from now, and that’s when Yoongi senses an opportunity. The two of you walk out of class together, forced to walk side by side because of the student foot traffic.

“Do you like, want to study together sometime?” Yoongi blurts out, louder than he needs to be, even among the hum of the other students. 

 He clears his throat. “I mean, we’ve shared a lot of classes, so.” 

You can’t help but laugh in surprise, or maybe incredulousness. You resist the urge to let the satisfaction show on your face. “I didn’t know you ever noticed.” 

“Of course I did. You’re like, the biggest nerd on the planet.” Even when Yoongi is teasing you, he can’t help but sound bashful. 

You gasp in mock offense. “There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd.” You both stop, standing at the mouth of the lecture hall. 

“Of course not.” He’s awfully close to you, close enough that you can see the mole on the tip of his nose. “That’s why I’m asking you to be my study buddy.”

It’s not necessary to be standing this close. Sure, the hallway is busy, but not that busy. 

“Study buddy? That sounds lame.” You scoff, playing hard to get. Both you and Yoongi know you’re going to say yes anyway. 

“What else do you want me to call you? My homework homie?” 

“Uh, yeah . That sounds way better than study buddy. ” You’re more proud of your humor than anything else, even if it earns a deserved eye-roll from Yoongi. 

“And midterms are coming up. So you know, mutually beneficial.” Yoongi takes a sip from his coffee, peering at you from behind the rim.   

“Like… friends with benefits?” You can’t help yourself. It’s just too easy to flirt with him. 

Yoongi tongues his cheek, he grins. “Only if you want it to be.” He’s having way too much fun with this. 

You try to hide your reaction, but Yoongi notices anyway. (He notices a lot of things you don’t realize.) Your wide-eyed shock, the blush that’s flushing down your neck, the way you open your mouth as if to say something equally as flirtatious back, your laugh, like this is actually way more casual than it is. 

“So I’ll take that as a yes,” He says. You could get used to the playful lilt in his voice. 

“Only if you promise you won’t just copy my work.” You cross your arms in front of your chest, suddenly very aware of how tall he is. 

“I live and die by the honor code, y/n. Of course I won’t,” Yoongi says, leaning ever closer to you in the cramped hallway. 

You quirk an eyebrow. “Does a man of honor text me like you did last night?” 

“Oh come on. If you’re going to be friends with me you’re going to have to learn to laugh at dirty humor.” Friends? It’s a start, at least. 

“Who said that I didn’t like dirty humor?” 

“Hmm, I did.” There’s a glint in his eyes that wasn't there before. “You’d have to be a woman of your word and show me.” 

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” You flash an innocent smile, like you don’t see the implication of what he’s saying. 

~

Tuesdays have always been the most bittersweet day of the week for you. It’s lesson day, but oh, it’s lesson day. It feels like the day of judgement, every single week. It’s a culmination of all the blood and tears that you’ve poured into your music in the past week, another chance at evaluation. You’ve known your violin teacher longer than you’ve been in college, and it still shouldn’t scare you this much.

The nervousness spins and dips in your chest as you make your way up the winding stairs that lead to the music building. You usually soothe the apprehension by reminding yourself of all the things you’ve done to prepare, just like you usually do before you go out on stage. This week you were supposed to get the rest of the Bach partita memorized and cleaned up, but it still resides in your memory as disjointed bits and pieces of what it’s actually supposed to sound like. You try to run through the parts that you were stuck on last night, but you draw a blank. You usually don’t take this long to commit pieces to memory, but when you open up your score, all you can think about is the unmoving stare of the audience. Seeing your life flash before your eyes every time you stare at your pencil markings isn’t exactly conducive to productive practice sessions. 

As you retrieve your violin from your locker and make your way to the practice room, you feel like you’re preparing yourself for your own undoing—every scale, every tick of the metronome—another step towards your demise. 

It shouldn’t be this serious, but the pitter-pattering of your heart says otherwise. You glance at the clock. It’s time. You pack up now, so you have a couple extra minutes to wait solemnly outside of her office, staring at the posters that advertise the professionals who come to perform concerts at your college. Next week, a pianist and violinist duo is coming. In the picture, they’re smiling proudly next to a Steinway piano. They look proud of themselves. They probably don’t feel like they’re allergic to the stage, probably live for the audience’s applause. That’s probably how they ended up there on the poster, after all. 

Your violin teacher isn’t scary. She’s a homey, lovely old woman whose wrinkles come from a lifetime of smiling. She’s the type to bring you sweet, homemade pastries that are almost as warm as her hugs during the toughest parts of the semester. Which makes the moments when she’s unhappy all the more painful. It’s not her fear that plagues you, but disappointment. 

The door clicks open, and you have no more time to ponder your failures as a musician. You gather your things and head inside. Nothing inside her office has changed since the previous week. The same teetering stack of well-loved method books sits on her chair, the same humidifier whirring steadily in the corner, the same Dr. Kim Hyung-Seo sitting on the piano bench. 

“Good afternoon, y/n! How’s the Bach coming along?” She asks, like you haven’t spent the past week treating this piece like your mortal enemy. She takes a sip of her warm chamomile tea, from the same snowman-shaped mug that she’s used every week, because she is that endearing. In another life, she would probably be your grandmother. 

“Good morning. Ah, you know…” You trail off and gesture into the air, trying to hide your grimace. How could you possibly describe the unease and unsureness around performing without crossing some kind of professional boundary? 

“Let’s hear it, it’s okay. Are you all warmed up?” You nod as you unpack your things again. As you move to put the Bach score on the music stand, she tuts. 

“Didn’t we agree that this would be memorized last week?” Dr. Kim flips through her lesson notes, inky blue scrawling over the pages. “Yeah, it should be memorized. Close the score, darling.” Usually, when Dr. Kim calls you darling, warmth unfurls in your chest and you beam. You’re not feeling particularly warm right now. 

“Ah, okay…” With slow reluctance, you close the score, the plain paper cover mocking you. You lift your bow to your violin, and shut your eyes. You don’t want to watch this. 

~

Yoongi (4:38pm): Hey 

Yoongi (4:38pm): wanna study tonight :] 

If there’s anything Yoongi is good at, it’s having perfect timing. You half-walk, half-run out of the music building, sucking frigid air into your lungs. The cold weather seems to force the tears back into your eyes. If there was ever a worst-case scenario for how a lesson could go, then that was what just played out in the music room. 

Shutting your eyes won’t stop the barrage of images, playing the world’s cruelest slideshow behind your eyelids. Your teacher’s pursed lips, the still fingers clasped over her mug, the pinched brow. 

“y/n, we don’t have much more time to clean it up…” Her words echo in your head. “We’ll try again next week…” The disappointment was the worst thing, the downward tone in her voice. “I expected better…” 

You (5:15pm): maybe 

You (5:15pm): what time? 

  Yoongi (5:20pm): like now 

Yoongi (5:23pm): are you busy? 

  You (5:25pm): no I just finished up a lesson 

You (5:26pm): i’m about to study in the library if you want to join me 

  Yoongi (5:30pm): I don’t want to go to the library :( 

  You (5:31pm): why not 

  Yoongi (5:32pm): if I feed you dinner will you come to my apartment 

Yoongi (5:33pm): I really don’t want to walk to the library it’s too damn cold 

  After all, the best way to a woman's heart is through her stomach.

  You (5:35pm): fine 

You (5:35pm): it better be a hell of a dinner 

  Yoongi (5:36pm): of course it will 

Yoongi sends you his location, and you’re walking as fast as you can through the campus to make it to his apartment before you can freeze your fingers off. 

~

Yoongi’s expression is nothing short of scandalized when you show up at his door. It’s a typical mouse hole apartment, his front door identical to all the other ones that you’d passed to get here. 

“You’re not wearing gloves? In this weather?” 

“I don’t have any…” You rasp out. You’re tired. Your throat hurts from trying to hold tears back during your entire lesson, and you have no spirit left to give Yoongi an innuendo-laced comeback. 

I expected better. 

“Oh my god, you’ve been playing violin for how many years and nobody ever told you to wear gloves when it’s cold?” He leads you inside, the warmth abating the cold that’s wormed its way underneath your clothes and into your bones. 

“For God’s sake, y/n, hasn’t anyone ever told you about the importance of blood circulation?” Yoongi clasps your hands between his, rubbing and blowing air on them to warm them up. He doesn’t notice your surprise amid his chastising, muttering something about common sense. You don’t try to keep your guard up this time, just trying to bite tears back at the mention of musicianship. The firm press of his hands grounds you. 

“There.” He smiles, proud of himself. “Warm now?” 

Oh yeah, you’re definitely warm. In every dimension of the word. But you don’t tell him that, so you settle for a weak nod. 

“You can put your stuff there. I’m hungry now, let’s eat first?” You hum in affirmation as you settle your heavy backpack on his cramped couch. 

It turns out that Min Yoongi’s idea of gourmet cooking is heating up two freezer-burnt Hot Pockets while you watch him putter around the tiny kitchenette. This is the first time you’ve ever seen him without his glasses, and this is when you finally internalize that Yoongi will always look good no matter what he does or wears or says. 

“You made it seem like you were cooking,” You say, just to fill the silence. 

“Uhhhh, I don’t know who told you I was capable of cooking, but they were wrong. I can show you a good time in other ways, no?” 

You snort. 

In hopes of saving time, he microwaves both of Hot Pockets at the same time. You silently bristle at the fact that even your dinner is getting more action than you are these days. 

You and Yoongi eat together in his tiny living room, sitting on mismatched stools.  

“How did your lesson go?” Yoongi says, more focused on eating than on you. 

“Oh…” You set your Hot Pocket down, sighing in defeat. The image of Dr. Kim sitting behind the piano bench, her dissatisfaction like a noxious cloud. “I… I…  got ripped apart. I’m a little behind with preparing for the Bach festival, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing I do or prepare will make me less stressed about it.” You slump onto the counter, recounting all the things you did wrong in your lesson today. I expected better. 

“What’s the stress about? We still have over a month, right?” You’re suddenly jealous of Yoongi. His nonchalance, his seemingly constant reassurance that everything is going to be okay. 

“I’m not worried about that… just, no matter how much I practice, I’m gonna fuck it up on stage.” Your forehead pinches in frustration. 

“Are you that nervous?” 

“I’ve always been this nervous. For any performance. I haven’t performed alone in a while… and you know. It’s Bach, and everyone expects me to do some amazing job, and it’s like, I don’t know if I can deliver that and-” Yoongi eases his hand on your shoulder, calm, reassuring. He looks concerned. Like he cares. Like a friend. 

“When was the last time you played something just for the fun of it?”

“I don’t know, maybe my freshman year? I used to arrange themes from movies.” 

“We should work on something together, just for fun. We’re such a perfect instrument combo, there’s so much repertoire for violin and piano.” 

“What did you have in mind? Do you even have enough time for that?” (You know you don’t have enough time for that.) 

“It doesn’t even have to be a difficult piece. It could be something easy or hard, I don’t care.” Yoongi ponders his next words over a bite of his food. “I… I... just want to see you less stressed out. And music should always be fun, not just for a grade. What kind of music would you be making if you weren’t happy?” 

“I don’t know…” 

“I know this one Brahms piece that I think you’d like. Totally fits your vibe. We can just work on it slowly, you know? Or we could arrange the Anpanman theme song, I don’t care.” 

~

“I think I’m mostly good for the midterm, except for the composer dates,” Yoongi spins around in his office chair, dragging his feet on the ground. 

“Me too,” You say, as you drink in the sight of his room. For someone who claims to abhor studying and all things academic, Yoongi appears to be quite the organized student. Despite the constant claim that his education is merely a necessary evil, he keeps his notes organized in uniform binders on a well-cared for bookshelf. The bookshelf is adjacent to the extremely detailed wall calendar, marked full with due dates and deadlines in pens of various colors. 

He runs his fingers over the binders to locate the binder allocated to the species counterpoint class you’re taking together. 

“I already have flashcards for everything before the Romantic Era, but I’m so fucked for everything else.” 

“Why not just use Quizlet like everyone else?” You say. You eye his neatly made bed and the Kumamon stuffed animal shoved hastily underneath it. 

“Back in my day, we used flashcards like cavemen,” Yoongi reasons, despite the fact that your birthdays are months within each other. “And besides, they feel better in your hand.” Of course, they’re indexed by color and musical era. 

~

“Ugh, I hate sitting at my desk. My back is starting to hurt,” Yoongi says, despite having worked for about ten minutes. “Do you want to lay down?” He pats the fluffy comforter adjacent to him. Yoongi doesn’t wait for your response however, plopping down on the bed with an audible thump. 

“Okay, old man,” You jibe, but you’ve also been sitting for a majority of the day. Your back is aching too, but you’ll never admit it to him. 

Sometimes, at times like these, you wish you could just muster up the courage and stop playing this game of cat and mouse with him. When you lay on his sheets that smell like him, quizzing each other, you wonder what would happen if you confessed your feelings for him, right then and there. 

Or outlined exactly how exactly you would take his cock in your mouth, given the chance. Other times, you consider the fact that he might like to play with his food before diving in. Whatever it was, it scared you, the unease climbing up your spine and staying put. 

You wonder if he understands the implication of you so casually lounging on his bed, but then you realize that you likely don’t exist in the realm of romantic possibilities for him. He likely sees you as the nerdy, sexless violinist that spends all her time slaving away in the practice room or the library. That’s why you’re here, after all. To help study for the midterms coming up. “Being friends with him is better than nothing,” you tell yourself, but you can’t really bring yourself to believe it. 

You don’t remember, or at least don’t care to, when Yoongi started touching every aspect of your life. It’s really only been a couple of weeks since the two of you started studying together. You don’t dare to imagine how much of your thoughts he would occupy if you continue your friendship into the coming months. If your crush of massive proportions was bad before, it’s truly out of hand now. It certainly didn’t help that he actually knew you existed now. He spammed you gifs of baby animals while he was on the way to class, texted you links to performances of pieces that he was working on. He even began to send you teasing texts on the mornings that he made it to the practice rooms before you. 

Every experience you have is colored by thoughts of him. The coffee that you drink like ambrosia conjures up images of him sitting across from you in some far-off sunlit cafe, laughing at all your jokes. On the nights when sleep escapes  you, you lay awake rehashing over and over what you had said to him on the previous day. You even fall into reveries when he’s sitting there right next to you. 

 It’s inescapable, especially with the Bach Festival looming over your head. The more time you spend in the practice room, the more you go back to that one fateful night. You can still see the image of him now, sitting before the piano, playing Chopsticks. 

You both make your way through the fat deck of flashcards, Yoongi quizzing you first. 

“J.S. Bach?” You note to yourself even the upswing in his voice was cute. How did you ever let yourself get so whipped?

“1685 to…” You falter, still stuck on his voice. Even his voice drives you crazy. 

“Come on, you should know this.” He drives his point home by poking you in the side, and he likes the gasp that you make. 

“1750.” Of course you know Bach’s birth and death dates by heart. You see it every time you open up your score. Even the scant prod he gave you in the side, over your clothes, is enough to make your skin heat up. 

“And if you ever tickle me again, you won’t live long enough for midterms,” You threaten, but your harsh tone of voice doesn’t reach the light in your eyes. 

“Brahms?” 

“Ugh, fuck, I don’t know. 1832 to?” 

“Wrong.” He sets the cards down next to him, looking at you in mock disappointment. In an instant, he attacks you with tickles, and your efforts to bat him away are fruitless. 

“This-this is what you get for not knowing when Brahms was born! Learn through punishment! 1833 to 1897, remember that next time!!” He collapses on top of you, burying his face in your neck, unrelenting. Yoongi sounds almost gleeful in your torture. 

You writhe under his touch, and for all the wrong reasons. 

For the first time in your life, you’re almost glad you’re ticklish. Your eyes roll back into your head, not of your own accord. It’s too much, the soft skin of his cheek pressed up against your neck, the warm weight of his body against yours, the way his legs cage you in. A moan slips in between your helpless giggles, and Yoongi doesn’t miss it. 

“Uhhh, what was that?” He doesn’t stop, merciless in his advance. “I didn’t know you liked tickling… like that.” He’s teasing you, now. He can’t hide his pleased grin. 

Between gasps, you manage to pant, “I… don’t…” 

“Then what? Tell me.” That’s when Yoongi relents, leaning back. He continues to straddle you, because he’s cruel like that. (And because he likes it too.)

“You’re just… ugh, I don’t know… so close.” In Yoongi’s eyes, you’re a study in debauchery. From your struggle, your hair is mussed, the hem of your shirt awry. Your cheeks are flushed, from embarrassment or from the tickling, you don’t know. Your chest frantically rises and falls, trying to regain your breath. 

You, on the other hand, feel fucking ridiculous. Contrary to popular belief, being on the recieving end of tickling is fucking physically exhausting. 

Yoongi is stuck on the hot and bothered look on your face, except for the hard look in your eye. You despise being tickled, even if it is Min Yoongi doing the tickling. He wonders what you’d look like if you were underneath him in… different circumstances. 

Would it compare? 

“I… I… I just…” You avert your gaze now, hiding your face behind your hands. You can’t stand to look at him right now. 

“Spill it, or I’ll go back to tickling you until you break.” He grabs your hands away from your face, pinning them next to your head. 

He really isn’t going to make this easy for you, is he. 

This is overwhelming. The eye contact is too much. The weight of his hands on your wrists, holding you down, is too much. The way his panting breath tickles the skin beneath your collar is too much. You’ve had a bad day, the voice in the back of your head whispers. He makes you forget how awful this semester has been. He makes you feel better. Make this day easier on yourself. Just give in. 

There’s no hiding it now, you concede. 

You shut your eyes, unable to face him. “It’s just… been a while.” 

“Uh-huh. Continue?” He places his hands back on your stomach, as if in warning. 

“Since uhhhh… I’ve done… anything… with anyone…” Your words hang heavy in the air. Your secret is out. 

He laughs. He really has the audacity to laugh. 

“Shut up! I’m just like, touch starved, okay?” You’re definitely just blushing out of embarrassment, at this point. 

Yoongi starts to ponder if he crossed too far of a line, but you continue anyway.  You huff, indignant and desperate to cover your ass. This is not how you ever imagined telling Yoongi you were ever interested in him, sexual or not. 

“Not everyone is like, the campus pussy magnet and gets to fuck whenever they want,” You say. 

He rolls his eyes. “Okay, I’m not the campus pussy magnet. We’re... not so different. I haven’t been with anyone, um, in a while.” Now Yoongi takes his turn to blush and stutter. He does that thing he always does when he’s nervous, runs a hand through his hair and lets it rest on the nape of his neck.  

“I find that hard to believe. No need to lie out of pity. Like, come on. Look at you. You’re all…” You gesture down his body, “And you have that whole vibe going on, and you’re tall, and you have good taste in cologne, and-and-and you play the piano , and ugh. You should know that by now.” You babble on. You’re not that good at keeping secrets, anyway. Might as well let the cat out of the bag while you’re at it. 

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, but you’re not fazed. By now, you’re used to the long silences that elapse when you’re with him. You wait for him to talk first, just so you can discreetly enjoy the feeling of him straddling you for a little longer. You try to pass off the silence as you quietly fuming at him for calling out your lackluster sex life, but you’re really just trying get yourself together. 

Then he starts laughing. Again.  

“What are you laughing for now?” Your brow furrows in frustration. 

“Nothing, nothing, don’t be mad. I just didn’t think that tickling would be a turn on for you.” 

“It’s not!” 

“To be completely honest with you, you look like one of those really innocent soft girls on the outside but you’re actually like, into choking and have a secret sex dungeon.” He doesn’t seem to care that you’ve all but revealed your massive, terminal crush on him. 

You sigh, but you’re just glad he gave you something to fire back with. 

“You and I both know that the university dorms are too small for a sex dungeon, Yoongi. I can’t even have candles in my room. What sex dungeon is complete without candles?” 

“Oh, a devil in the details. The ambiance is important, I see…” That devious smile of his makes a comeback. 

“Oh, shut up. Give me the flashcards, four-eyes.” He relinquishes the flashcards, but he still continues to straddle you. 

“Woah, there’s no need to insult my glasses.”

You ignore him, desperate to move on from your momentary lapse in judgement. “Haydn?”

“1732 to 1809. What about music? Music must be important if you care about the ambiance. Answer my question.” 

You laugh to cover up how worked up you are. “Maybe you can find out after we finish reviewing. Scarlatti?” 

“1660 to 1725. What kind of music do you listen to? R&B, something sexy?” He sits up now, spurred on by your refusal to answer his questions. 

“Or do you listen to classical music then, too? Does Chopin get your blood flowing?” He’s being insufferable now.

You groan into the pillow. “Yoongiii, let’s focus.” 

“If it’s something like Liszt, I’m sure I have a couple recommendations.” 

Yoongi sits up straighter, waggles his eyebrows in a way you definitely shouldn’t find endearing. “Or, I could record something for you…” 

You snap. “Just, I don’t know, sometimes I listen to music?” Your attempts to stop the blushing are in vain, heat blooming across your cheeks and down your neck. It’s even harder to stop when it’s your embarrassingly short sexual history on the line. 

“I prefer dirty talk anyways…” You murmur under your breath, wishing he could just get the fuck off your case. The more he keeps talking about things like this, in that tone of voice, the harder it’s going to get to keep your ever-growing crush a secret. 

Still, some small part (let’s be honest, the monkey brain part of you) of you, the part of you that aches for him, wants to spur him on. 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing! Nothing.” 

“Hmm… something about dirty talk?” Fuck, does Yoongi have a good ear. He smiles. He knows he’s gotten you now. 

Okay, you should probably admit to yourself that he’s flirting with you now. The touches, the holding you down, the insistence on pushing this tiny matter, it all adds up. And the math says that Min Yoongi is flirting with you. 

“Mmm, nothing.” You snuggle a little deeper into his bedsheets, playing coy.

“You know, like during sex? Don’t make me tickle you again, because I will stoop that low.” 

“I don’t remember saying that…” You mock-pretend to ponder his question, catch your bottom lip between your teeth. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see his gaze fall downward. You know you’ve gotten him now. 

“Can you refresh my memory?” 

“Like… you know.” He shrugs. 

“I’m an auditory learner. Do you have an example?” 

“Hmm, let me think… I’ll tease you until you’re begging for me to touch you properly? Does that ring a bell for you?” 

“No…” You bring your hands to your face to cover up your blush, and because you can’t stand to look at him. Not when he’s talking to you like that, with that look in his eye, his hands on your body. “It doesn’t…” You laugh, even beneath his weight. 

He laughs. “I’m just teasing. You’re so cute when I get a rise out of you.” 

Oh. 

#armywriterssupport #btsgoldnet #yoongi smut #bts smut #yoongi fanfic #yoongi scenarios #bts fanfic #bts scenarios #bts #bts x reader

[mcrmadness]

I’m at the point where I’m being really annoyed by mornings again. Or more like, that particular time of the time when I wake up because I know most people would say that 2pm is no longer a morning... Anyway, I just get up every morning to do absolutely nothing just to go to sleep eventually again. And now each “morning” is boring af, I get up, brush my teeth and come to my computer, browse Tumblr and don’t know what to do. For weeks I’ve been watching certain types of videos from YT meanwhile playing with nonograms or jigsaw puzzles online because it helps me to concentrate as I don’t like watching videos of people talking, it’s super boring, but that way I can still listen to them without feeling like losing my mind because of being so bored. But now neither nonograms nor jigsaw puzzles feel thay interesting NOR do the videos I’ve been watching. There’s really not much new stuff, just the same topics done by many many people and I can’t watch that for too long before I get bored with the topics too, because I already know enough. I’ve also been going through all videos on so many different channels and either there’s nothing interesting anymore or I literally have watched everything. So now every day after being done with browsing Tumblr, I try to find something to watch from youtube but currently my recommended page keeps offering me the same videos over and over again, the same topics, and also lots of videos I have already watched. I’d love to see something very random that isn’t particularly linked to my watch history but no, all videos like that are something to do with the goddamned crona hashtags and they’re already driving me crazy because I’m so fed up with all this corona stuff. And I have made several posts about this already and how I hate the superficial fake-happiness in all those videos where people try to come up with stuff for people to do so that they’d just stay at home. I’m staying at home 24/7 even without corona, so can’t you just NOT show those recommendations for me??? Oh I wish Youtube had some sort of tag blacklisting system...

But yeah, apart from all that, I’ve been dealing with my existential crisis a lot lately too. Not that it’d have ever went anyway in the first place, but just having these partly existential crisis, partly dissociation/derealization moments that I don’t know if I’m ever going to get rid of. Just been thinking about my fave band (dä) a lot lately and how stressed out they make me all the time. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I’m not the best with surprises but I’m okay with them, but what REALLY makes (and has always made) me distressed is waiting. Knowing that something is about to happen but you have no idea when and how and possibly what. That is what makes me so distressed. It’s like with ghosts and paranormal things too: I’m not afraid of ghosts and I actually do like them a lot, but I’m afraid of being startled and waiting for something that might come as a surprise to me. (This is why I don’t watch horror films - jumpscares are much worse when I know there will be some.) And I’ve started to hate the weekdays from Monday to Friday because I feel like I can rest only on weekends because maybe those guys won’t do anything during weekends. During other days anything is possible. And now they’re gonna open their webshop on Friday and it’s causing me SO MUCH PRESSURE here. And it’s again not that I’d be worried of what it is, but worried of the fact I am waiting for something now but I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I always need to be in control and ahead of everything, whenever I go to a new place, I need to have a look around the whole thing before I can do anything, and I really wouldn’t like the idea of being dropped right in the middle of action. That just makes me so overwhelmed and I start to panic.

To the existential crisis - I’ve also been wondering about myself and why dä? Imagine if the band was something else but this. And the fact this band is a “once in a lifetime” thing. There’s never been another band like them and never will be. Which is crazy and blows my mind. And this is where I start to dissociate with derealization because I somehow still feel like everything is a movie or a video game. I’m constantly thinking like “oh maybe in my next life I’ll be born earlier so I can become their fan in the 80s” or “maybe in my next life I’ve learnt from my mistakes in this life”. I basically feel like my life is like a video game that I can restart whenever I have played through the story and do different choices then. And some days it hurts so much to be dropped back on ground. But I will just climb up again and escape into my small bubble where things are not like that.

Also this other day I was wondering the age thing again. I’ve been having age crisis at least since I turned 25 because then I was closer to 30 than 20. And I’m turning 29 in less than a month and that had been so terrible thought for so long but now I’m slowly getting used to it. Even tho I still wish I was 19 or something. But at the same time it feels really absurd because I feel like... ten years ago I was 19, and that doesn’t sound that much but I still feel like last year was 2010. And me wishing I was 19 again... well when I was 19, most of my friends were not even teenagers yet. So that means I would not know those people. But then I feel like I’ve been wasting the last 10 years of my life. And if I was smart, I’d realize that I actually have not been wasting those years - I have been working with horses, studying horses, graduated and I’ve grown a pretty good knowledge over what it is to take care of and even train horses. I have got and learnt so much. But still I feel like I should have done that a lot earlier than what I did. But if I did it a lot earlier, then I wouldn’t have had work experience worth over 10 years. Which is why I wish I could have just stopped time for the time I was studying and continue then after I was done. Because I’m literally in the middle of an age crisis because I’m turning 29 but I basically feel like I’m near my end already. It’s like what my friend told me when I was 22 and started having similar thoughts: “You sound like you just discovered what people normally discover only when they turn 50.” Yeah, I’ve literally been having mid-life crisis since I was 22.

For the first time even I experienced some derealization moments was when I was 19 and working at a stable and I was cleaning up the stable and taking out a wheelbarrow full of horse shit. It just suddenly hit me that what I’m doing here, makes absolutely no difference. And I suddenly dived into this horrible state where I felt like nothing I do, matter because nothing will last. Like, why should I create memories if I’m gonna lose them anyway when I die? That really made it so hard to enjoy anything because I was just constantly obsessing with the thought of not having my memories forever and how everything felt so, so damn pointless. I don’t care if people know my name or not, I live for myself anyway so it felt really unfair that I should actually live here and do things and create memories if they are going to be taken away from me eventually just because everyone has to die. And I have always had really bad relationship with death. I remember being probably 7 years old and seeing something on TV about death and cemeteries and it caused me to have one of my earliest anxiety/panic attacks and I was literally sitting on the toilet floor hugging the toilet because the idea of death made me so, so sick. Which is why I then have been avoiding the topic as much as I can and I’ve been blocking those thoughts and stuff and why I love every time death is portrayed as non-permanent in fiction (my all-time favorite is Tim Burton’s Beetlejuice). Or when there’s some sort afterlife. Which is why I’ve been obsessed with ghosts and grim reaper and whatnot in my past. It just comforts me so much because I find it so scary to think that everything would just stop existing. I can kinda imagine that... emptiness that happens when nothing is anymore and it just feels so overwhelming and scary that I nearly start to panic from the thought alone. As a kid, I’ve been having panic attacks from the thought of the sun going out, a meteor hitting the earth, or just pretty much anything that would mean almost instant death. I feel like I probably developed derealization also for this type of fears. If the idea of death has made me physically sick at the age of 7, no wonder why my system decided to come up with dissociation to protect my mind. I always feel like when I keep having these deep thoughts, that my brains are on the edge of overheating (figuratively), it just goes so over my head but at the same time I’m understanding it, which then triggers dissociation because it’s too much to deal with.

I also have a medical trauma from when I was 3 years old, which is probably the core for all the dissociation too. It was an open heart surgery which pretty much means being half-dead already as you’re connected to the machines that keep up your breathing and blood circulation while the doctors fix your heart. Because of that, I find the thought it anesthesia highly disturbing. I know people undergo surgeries all the time for whatever reasons but I feel like I could never ever do one again because I’m so afraid of that emptiness becoming permanent. I can’t remember a thing from my surgery nor how I went to sleep or anything like that, but as an adult, I just find that so scary and I’m always really scared whenever I know people who are going to have anesthesia because what if they don’t come back? I know trans people who don’t have other option but to undergo some surgeries and I’m like... I’m nonbinary afab and I’d be happy to donate my own boobs away any minute but I could never ever go to a surgery from my own will. I rather just fantasize of a bodyshape that I don’t have than would actually do something about it because for me that would just not be an option. I sometimes wonder that if I had dysphoria or if I was trans, would I still feel the need for surgeries? Or what if I have dysphoria but I just don’t see it, because I can’t do anything about it so I just escape into my inner world and try not to think about myself? I do have some sort of body dysMORPHIA, tho. But I don’t know if I hate my body or if I just see it wrongly. But whatever the case, I try not to think about it too much, I avoid mirrors and spend most of time in my inner world. Because the outter world is too overwhelming and depressing to deal with and my existential crisis can’t take it.

#mcrmadness' random stuff #personal #tw deep thoughts over death and existence #(no need to worry - just pondering these themes) #existential crisis #derealization #dissociation #long post

[seromreven]

title: i’ll take you there | chapter three.

pairing: paul mccartney/female!reader/linda mccartney | john lennon/female!reader.

summary: the year is 1974. You’re the personal assistant of Paul and Linda McCartney. One spring day you meet the rather infamous John Lennon during the middle of his ‘Lost Weekend’ escapades. Spark fly and secrets unfold between the two of you.

author’s note: ooh, look who finally updated the chapter after eighty years! this gal! now here comes the solrock is next but we’ll see, lmao.

also posted on ao3!

---

You woke up to the sound of the soft knocking on wood. On a door, more precisely the door to the room you were in. You yawned out a muffled ‘yeah’, unsure if it was loud enough to be heard. But as you sat up with the duvet tightly around you in the bed you had borrowed for the night; the door opened up and in stepped May. You stretched out your arms and cracked your knuckles as you watched her step inside.

“Good morning,” she greeted you with a slight giggle. You were sure of why. You were always a mess in the mornings and you could feel the hair on your head folding in strange angles. You looked around for your shirt and quickly threw it on as she entered the room, closing the door behind her. She sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over at you as you slowly woke up and tried to be more aware of your surroundings. The place was overly bright and you noticed it was mostly because you had forgotten to close the drapes over the large window the night previously. But the decor too was a horrible light colouring.

“I put an unused toothbrush out to you in the bathroom. It’s the yellow one,” she told you with a smile as you patted down your hair and combed it with your fingers. 

“You can use my hairbrush too,” she leaned in with a slight laugh and although you were tired, you tried to join in on it but was quickly interrupted by a yawn. You nodded and got out of the bed by crawling off its end and hopped into your shorts, hoping she wasn’t looking as you did so. Hoping for some privacy. 

Once on the floor; you stretched again and looked at May while thinking of what to do today. You supposed you should get back to the hotel for a shower and a change of clothes. Wouldn’t be too bad. You had a completely free schedule for the next two weeks and the hotel was booked for that time too. You weren’t used to that. You found a great sense of joy in your work and knowing exactly what came next and what to do. This… was strange.

May, fortunately, interrupted your thoughts that was slowly declining into an existential crisis;

“I thought we could go get breakfast together? Show you around town and talk?”

She was smiling, very sweetly. Politely. Damn, you couldn’t say no to that. And it solved your problem too. Though you wondered why she was even interested in getting to know you. You had thought it was just a friendly gesture the night before to let you stay the night and then you would be ousted out and gone the moment you were awake. But, apparently not.

“Sure,” you nodded with a shrug. You did feel quite hungry. You assumed it would just be the two of you based on how she asked but you wanted to be sure, so you quickly asked; “what about John?”

“He’s already at the studio with Harry,” she said still with a smile as she slightly shook her head. Her long, and rather beautiful, hair flowed lightly along with the movement. 

Good. You were still so unsure of what you thought of the man. It was getting to a point of headaches and you just wished to forget all about him and move the fuck along. You had enough to deal with this horrible flashback to teenage hormonal crushes. If it was even that.

… And moving on from that, you followed her out the room and went to the bathroom where you were told she had laid out an unused toothbrush for you to use together with the appropriate paste. The handle of it was a bright yellow.

---

Later on; you found yourself on the patio of a high-end café in central Hollywood. It was nice and with a beach view. You saw several bikini-clad women who could easily be models by the way they appeared and acted as if the touch of wet sand was highly offensive to them. On another note; you saw several small children and dogs enjoying the good life.

May had driven you there; leaving your car back at her and John’s place. Leaving you to inevitably to return there. Hopefully at a time without John’s presence. God, you did not appreciate your brain for returning constantly to your thoughts of him. He was married! With a… lover? Mistress? … Girlfriend? Who the fuck knows. And you had Paul and Linda. Though, keeping in mind they had told you to not feel tied down to them and … to explore your own interests and sexuality. But, you were sure they hadn’t had Lennon in mind.

Your thoughts were interrupted by an appearing waiter. He carried two plates of food and left with a wink in your direction. May giggled as you rolled your eyes at the back of the man.

“You seemed deep in thought,” May astutely commented as she looked at you through her dark sunglasses. She wasn’t wrong. You had been. So deep in fact that you had almost completely forgotten about her. Which, admittedly, was rather rude done of you. Not that she seemed to mind.

“Yeah, sorry,” you said, or rather mumbled, as you scratched the side of your nose (a habit picked up from being around Paul) and picked up a fork to dig into your serving of Pasta Primavera. May had gotten the same but an addition with shrimp.

“Just a… uh, a lot going on up here,” you said with a mouth full of spinach while you pointed with your forkless hand to your temple. 

Her nose squinted at the sight of your open mouth and chewed up food. But you soon found out it wasn’t a look of disgust as she gave out a peal of laughter. She seemed to be easy to laughter, you noted as you swallowed down the rest of your food. Though you still were, as it were, on the fence about John; who seemed to have been lucky in finding someone like May. While you weren’t interested in her the way he obviously had been (if the sounds coming from their right last night were any indication), she was a wonderful person. From what you had experience and gathered from her so far.

She offered to pay as you readied yourself to leave the wonderfully quaint café. Your refusals were ignored as she got the attention of the waiter and you soon were on your way out and unto the hot stone sidewalks of L.A.

“Where to now?”

You asked as you put on a well-worn pair of sunglasses. You had the expenses for new ones but, hey, these worked great still. If it ain’t broke…

“Thought we could take a stroll,” she smiled sweetly at you as she looked around the neighbourhood. The sound of seagulls and ocean waves filled your ears, working greatly to calm your anxieties buried deep in your chest.

“And talk,” which was followed with a wink. That puzzled you but you said nothing of it. Did she have something planned? Or was that just random winking? (As you do).

You followed her down the long boulevard and were lead to a small pathway that lead to the beach; all while she talked of many things, all which seemed to lead back to John. It made you wonder (as you often did). Was she just that into him? She hadn’t seemed to type to obsessive about the relationship but, well, people have their surprises. She talked of dogs; it lead to her telling you of a dog John had as a kid. Okay. She talked of the weather; which again turned into something about John. God, it was just John John John. And you didn’t know if you liked it! You felt a small pulling feeling in your chest, like a string on a tooth slowly trying to pull it out; wanting to ask about him. Wanting to know everything about him. You couldn’t! Wouldn’t want to know! ... Right?

“So, what do you think about John?”

She asked in a sweet, almost carefully, voice as you walked side by side in the bright shade of the sun. You were kicking up tuffs of sand, only half listening to the words coming out of her mouth. John made you feel… dizzy.

“Huh?”

You looked over at her with narrowed eyes. What did you think about… John? Was that the point of the whole thirty minutes she had spent talking about him? For your opinion? Sure, he was her… boyfriend(?) but what did your opinion matter? You scratched your nose, trying to think of something to say.

You decided on the best move was to shrug and mumble something. She looked at you with a puzzled look in her eyes as you both stopped walking on the burning hot Californian sand. Ah, well, it must have been inaudible then. Damn. Now you actually had to figure out how to respond. 

“He’s…” 

God, what was the right word to use. He’s not… horrible. He had been quite kind to you. With the odd staring. Though, you thought, he might think the same if it turned out that your secretive studying of him hadn’t been so… secret.

“He’s, uh… alright.”

Yeah, that could work. Alright. That was the word to use about a man you had very confusing feelings about. It hadn’t been this complicated with Paul and Linda. And those were two people! At the same time! God, was it because you had been out of the dating game for so long? Having been comfortable in the domestic life of a married couple? You felt warm, and not the kind from the blasting sun, from thinking of him in the same vein you did Paul and Linda. It was a needless effort. Nothing would come from it. He seemed to have a lot on his plate anyhow. What with a wife, mistress (girlfriend?) and the recording of an album. Also; he had a son! Man, you had completely forgotten about little Julian. Little? How old was he even? Ten? Older?

Your head started to head at the rush of thoughts and you pushed a lid unto that well of streaming thoughts. It had been a rather simple question but here you were; overthinking it. You knew you had the McCartney’s permission to do whatever in that area of your personal life. So, really, nothing to worry about… Right.

May looked at you with a knowing smile. Like she knew more than she let on and it made your heart beat at a sudden rapid pace.

“Well, he likes you.”

“R-Really?”

“Yes, he told me so last night.”

Your eyes flickered around her face as the information was divulged. He… had talked about you with her? Last night? When? After they had gone to bed? You hadn’t heard them talk, only… moaning. And the similar sounds. So this must’ve been afterwards when you had somehow managed to fall asleep. The thought of them lying in bed… sweating and panting. Talking about you. It made you feel… odd. And not in a bad way. Made you feel rather… satisfied. Vain, perhaps.

“He likes you… very much,” and she fucking winked!

You stumbled through your next words. A lot of ‘I’ and ‘what’ tried to make their way out of your chapped lips (sun plus no chapstick, baad) and you ended up huffing and looking to your feet that had slowly dug itself underneath the warm sand. You finally looked back up with a scrunched up nose and narrowed eyes.

“...Why… did you tell me that? Aren’t you… dating?”

You hoped you had gotten the message behind her comment right or else you would be in deep waters.

“Well, kind of, yeah. We are. But not really, y’know? He’s married to Yoko still. And he does seem… happy with me. Yet he still remains… lost. Without her.”

You nodded carefully at her words; trying to understand and comprehend whatever she was trying to get out and tell you.

“I want him to be happy. Whatever goes on with him and Yoko; my main concern is his happiness. And, well, he appeared very interested in you. Enough that it affected last night a great deal,” it was told with a small, almost not there, smirk.

“And though you fight around it; you appear interested in him too.”

She ended it with a smile and looked back to you from where she had looked over your shoulder. There was nothing but ocean behind you. You imagined it was quite a view. A little too bright, perhaps. It was only a little over lunch.

“You’re not… completely… wrong,” you muttered as you started to blush and feel (maybe a little) bashful at the thought of your interests and stares having been so obvious. She nodded enthusiastically at you. 

“Good!” She clapped her hands together once and looked at her watch. 

“You’ll have the house for yourself tonight. He doesn’t know but you can tell him all about it.” 

And with a smile and a quick hug, she rushed off; ignoring your shouts of confusion at the shocking information she had just sprung on you. Oh, the gall of the women. What is she playing at? A fucking matchmaker? Oh, this was painful. And left you with a certain musical number stuck in your head. 

It was tempting, you had to admit so much. Alone with John… Well, while tempting… it also left you with an anxious feeling. And the thought of running into the ocean to join the fishes for eternity seemed like a ludicrous but tempting idea. But it couldn’t be. You had nothing else to do so you could just pull off the bandaid and wish for the best and hopefully not bleed to death. You resigned yourself to rush to the hotel. Bathe. Scream into a pillow. Dress and head for his ridiculously white house.

“Oh, matchmaker, matchmaker. Make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch. Oh, matchmaker, matchmaker.”

#i'll take you there fic #the beatles #john lennon #may pang #female reader #reader #reader insert #beatles fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic

[tinyfluffyshark]

bored eh? the alphabet.

So here’s where I admit that I had the ask thing in a queue and have not been paying attention to my blog for a whiiiile so this was a little ominous out of context since my first reaction was “what did I post oh no…” XD

A. WHY MY LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED. Massive communication failures x2. I will be as straightforward as humanly possible and have difficulty when other people can’t be equally clear.

B. FAVORITE BAND. If I say BTS someone will kick me so….. I listen to a lot of NateWantsToBattle, and VocaCircus, but not a lot of actual bands. Oh, the Vocaloid artist Kira!!!

C. WHO I LIKE AND WHY I LIKE THEM. I am not currently romantically interested in anyone, but I made two new friends in Psych and I like them because One has this cheerful happy outlook fresh out of high school (so different than mine) and is like what a teenager should be (not a complete damaged wreck), and the Other is really sweet, easy to talk to, and awkward and makes me feel really comfortable.

D. HARDEST THING I’VE EVER BEEN THROUGH. All of the years 2011-2017, with 2016 being the absolute worst. Picking the least personal details, I lost a lot of people,  had some personal crises, and everyone I cared about was not having a good time, so the accumulation of stuff.

 E. MY BEST FRIEND. @piabird obvs, sweet child please stop drinking so much cola I worry for you. But also one of my friends from high school (bc equally insane and morbid train of thoughts and also weird deep convos that always end in some stupid joke = the best kind of friendship.)

F. MY FAVOURITE MOVIE. I have watched the first Pokemon and Digimon movies more times than justifiable.

G. SEXUAL ORIENTATION. ACE!!!

H. DO I SMOKE/DRINK? Nope, I know people who do though and when they hug me I get headaches (I love them though)

 I. HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS? I WANT a tattoo but probably won’t, I’d never be able to decide on one. I have ten total piercings. Five helix (three on right ear two on the left) and five lobe (opposite distribution) I’d get a lip piercing but I would be killed ouo

J. WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GET OLDER. A HERO!!  Or a psychotherapist and some kind of emergency doctor.

K. RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS. Pretty Good; I love them and they try very hard and are mostly successful, I think, in raising me and my siblings. A little distance on my end but I don’t blame them.

L. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES. I’m really broken up inside my mind, so I feel like no one deserves to have to deal with that? I have a lot of opinions and a lot of controversial opinions, and most of me only makes sense to me, so I’d rather not inconvenience others by having them deal with me. Everything is zero and 100 with me, so I don’t see why people voluntarily subject themselves to my presence. 

M. VIRGIN OR NOT? Yup

N. FAVOURITE PLACE TO SHOP AT? Walmart has food, art supplies, yarn, flowers, and video games, why would I go anywhere else?

O. MY EYE COLOUR. BROWN, we messed up our heterozygote lab so I’ll never know if I got my dad’s green hazel gene.

 P. WHY I HATE SCHOOL. Sometimes the people stink, sometimes it’s the stress, sometimes I’m just not learning the parts I want to be learning. Sometimes your humanities Gen Ed course coupled with some fiction you were reading triggers an existential crisis. ^_^ it’s a lottery of fun and knowledge!

 Q. RELATIONSHIP STATUS AS OF RIGHT NOW. Taken? Okay so I was gonna post about this later, and I know I said I don’t like anyone romantically, but either by this end of this year or beginning of next I’m getting engaged (I’m not being forced, I can and will say no if I feel like it). It is an arranged marriage but not the kind you’re thinking of.  If everything works out I’m not getting married for another four years (He wants to graduate and I wanted four years so it worked out for us both). (I’ll be gross and spaz about him later)  

 R. FAVOURITE SONG AT THE MOMENT. Selfish by Heartbreaker, and Selfish REMIX by Kira!!!! I wish they could take the vocals from the remix and mix them with the music of the original.

S. A RANDOM FACT ABOUT MYSELF. I have a comically small cactus because my friend was trying to find something I wouldn’t pet (“if it smiles back it’s my friend and I can pet it.” “so I get you a cactus with googly eyes and a smile drawn on…” “…would you?”) I want a calico cat named Serenglitchity because I can’t get two named Glitch and Serendipity. And I cut my own hair whenever I get bored so I get some really weird and daring hairstyles accidentally. (Last time was a mullet! My cousin works with poodles and fixed it.)

T. AGE I GET MISTAKEN FOR. 16 (I’m 20)

 U. WHERE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. I’m currently in my bed this is a pretty happy place. At school, there’s this café connected to an outdoor study area and I sat in this spot that had me in the sunlight but by the door so cool air would blow over me, and it was nice. Very refreshing.

V. LAST TIME I CRIED. Wednesday. See insecurity and relationship status…

W. CONCERTS I’VE BEEN TO. The free kind at Canada Day. My favourite bands have played nearby and I’ve never gone but one day. One day.

X. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF (…)? You didn’t specify but I can tell you now, the answer is laugh. I will laugh. No matter what it is, my reaction is always to laugh.

Y. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE. I’m at uni, but definitely, if I need a skill that’s offered at college I’ll go!! I like it here OuO

Z. HOW ARE YOU? RECOVERING FROM AN EXCRUCIATING HEADACHE WHILE STUDYING FOR EXAMS!!!! Feeling pretty good actually. Happy at least, not too stressed despite exams. And this was fun, honestly helped me relax a bit, thank you!

#personal #me #long post #ask #melodywanderer #i dont know how to tag before posting #qwq

[rinnnyxr]

One rule: bold everything that applies to you, then count the answers.

Aries Gotta go fast Independence Participant, always Fuck you, don’t tell me what do to *brooding intensifies* Good sense of humor I ain’t neva scared “I’m not competitive but I’m gonna win” Assertive Going first Running yellow lights

People are drawn to you even tho you don’t invite them Feelings = action Impulsivity Creative Leader Competent “I thought you didn’t like me”-everyone Accidentally hurting people’s feelings Shares everything with partner What if the pope blasted cigs? Starting shit you don’t feel like finishing “I guess that was rude” No. 11/24

Taurus Treat yo’self Underappreciated at work Loyalty Great tastes in art&culture Spoiled (or wishing you were) Robe appreciation A vice (alcohol, weed, or comfort food) Homemaking/nesting Continuing to do something you don’t love just because you’re resistant to change Affection via touch Easy going Perfecting a wardrobe that is both comfy and flawless Having good ass eyebrows Highkey sensitive Stubborn af Not even taking your *own* advice Gossiping Lady in the street but a freak in the bed Creativity Spooning Commitment Stressing out over a change in someone’s tone of voice Finishing what you started Lots of venting lol  14/24

Gemini Unpopular opinion factory Secret&diverse intellectual landscape “Oh I got really into *miscellaneous hobby or topic* for a while” Intellectualizing or ignoring feelings Cleaning maybe once a year Look, a distraction! Thinking faster than you can talk Restless without hobbies Talking faster than you can think Reading four books at once Tons of energy Teaching others what you know Trivia machine Moodiness Knowing everything but also forgetting everything Existential crisis “Sorry I forgot to text you back” So many interests so little time Accidentally talking too loud Young at heart Pretty good public speaker Endless scrolling Shitposting Unpredictable sleep schedule 6/24

Cancer Connecting with women “Guess I’ll have to love you with my whole heart and soul” Vegetarianism/veganism Fear of rejection Surrounding yourself with soft blankets and  mood lighting Ferocious protector “I’m not going to dwell on it” *dwells on it* Takes child-rearing seriously Hardshell protecting soft ego Feeding sad friends Forecast: mood swings Heart of gold but still a badass Bad with boundaries Learning how to relax like it’s your job Lightweight drinker Yeah. Crying, ok? It’s not a big deal Mama trauma Food = comfort Nostalgia as a coping mechanism Identify built off memories Complaining Very emotionally intuitive of others Big fan of physical and emotional affection People telling you all their BS all the time 9/24

Leo Friendly Self-indulgence Never being able to tell if you’re the best or the worst People trying to compete with you lol Sensitive Decent at cheering people up Great hair Wardrobe swings between hot as hell and lazy af Interrupting Having a sense of honor Not doing something because you’re not good at it Talking too loud Finding dogs pretty relatable Creative talent Super supportive friend Enthusiasm Socializing like it’s your job&then needing to recharge Memes Priorities: eating and sleeping Boo hiss at rejection Looking good even when you feel like shit Drama Needing lots of love Loyal 6/24

Virgo Relating to Hermione Granger Gives great advice even when your own life is in shambles Flirting and running, an autobiography Petty Pretty damn intelligent Loving words/linguistics 8 hours of “studying” = 1 hour of real work Swings between clean and slobbish Indecision Splurging on food Mom friend A freak on the DL Peculiar eating habits Pretty good with words Good with pets and/or kids Known to schedule sex Multitasking af Cleaning as a coping mechanism “It me” Loves self-care but deprioritizes it 0 to hottie in 2 seconds flat Lowkey wood nymph All the receipts Bratty sub or service top 13/24

Libra If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all Pls no fighting Good judge of character Leadership roles in friendships Takes up less emotional space for the well being of others Art adoration Real glo up wizards Nature adoration Hates boredom Wholesome Keep it cute Emotionally braced for betrayal Lowkey running from problems with people Falling in love with people’s hearts/minds Investing in your appearance Loves all things cute Always the mediator Trust issues Charming Staying up to date on culture Taking the high road Always putting your feelings aside for others Aesthetics Mom friend 12/24

Scorpio Growing up early Being a new person every few years Black/dark wardrobe Pain is cool Interest in psychology/criminology/sociology Privacy Sexual but not promiscuous All or nothing thinking Intelligent Loner/lonely Taking care of everyone Would kill or die for loved ones Protective as fuck Bloodhound for truth Deep Fascination with death/insanity/occultism Love-hate relationships “idk I’m just feeling numb rn” Jealous or possessive Trust issues Loyal as fuck Secretly soft Gets shit done Boundaries 13/24

Sagittarius Long ass bucket list Prefers to mind their own business Unbothered Nice enough that people always think you’re hitting on them Fear of missing out Optimism Honest and upfront Your shit is lowkey not together Plenty of friends Snobby enough to have good taste Flirting your way into something you can’t finish Storyteller or philosophical preacher “Here for a good time, not a long time” “…rude” Free spirit “Films” Distracted Smarter than you look I’m just speaking my truth! “I’m just inviting a few people” Falls in love with your mind, then your body Blows up the aux cord Hedonism phases Horniness gets you into some shit lol 9/24

Capricorn On your grind Discipline dgaf attitude Stoic in the streets, softie in the sheets Planning ahead, way ahead Always prepared (Un)healthy coping mechanisms Likes structure Prioritizing self-mastery Loyal protector of friends, babies, and animals Basically born an adult Dark humor People being mad about your tough love Old soul Major procrastinator Kind of a know-it-all on the DL Major sadness and madness People thanking you for your tough love People think you’re responsible “Why was I programmed to feel pain” meme Parenting your parents “Lock that in the trauma vault” Either a loner or a socialite Giving advice like it’s your job 8/24

Aquarius Me, an intellectual: Needing to do things your way Superiority complex Gossip Conspiracy theories Skepticism Not even having the energy to tell people how wrong they are Courteous/considerate People love you but you hate people Lonely Outsider syndrome Relating to cats a great deal Hates being told what to do or when to do it Not trusting someone/something that’s popular Being accused of being emotionless Insightful Feeling like the only rational person in a room Existential crisis Devil’s advocate just to get people to think Rationalizing tf out of your feelings Hates small talk Vices You’re entitled to your opinion no matter how wrong it is Interest in sociology, psychology, and politics 9/24

Pisces Empath Dramatic Poetry or music Lots of imagination, fluctuating identity Getting high on being outside  Alone time “Idk I’m just a lil sad rn idk” Spiritual af Helping people heal Existential dread Pets love you Mommy issues Good with kids Cathartic crying over art, movies, or nature Knowing how people feel before they do Feeling misunderstood/alone “Go with the flow” Encountering spirits On life: “I’m just here for the ride” Drugs Forgiving others but blaming yourself Kindness Sorry, I was dissociating Exploring nature 11/24

I am most like a: Taurus I am actually a: Virgo

-

Have you today? Watched an animation? Pet an animal? Been grocery shopping? Talked to a sibling? Seen a spider? Had a stomach ache? Seen someone attractive? Played a musical instrument? Eaten meat? Brushed your teeth?

Have you in the last week? Paid for something with a credit card? Kissed someone passionately? Told someone you miss them? Read a book? Been to the gym? Broken a fingernail? Collected the mail? Been to work? Used something with batteries? Eaten cheese?

Have you in the last month? Been to a doctor? Packed a suitcase? Tried a new food you’d never eaten before? Taken a bubble bath? Chewed gum? Played a card game? Seen a movie at the cinema? Been on an airplane? Blocked someone on Facebook or other social media?

Have you in the last six months? Been in a hospital for any reason? Written a handwritten letter? Been on a train? Gotten a haircut? Broken up with someone? Eaten out at a restaurant? Stayed in a hotel? Been to a concert?

Have you in the last year? Been to a funeral? Held a newborn baby? Been to an amusement park? Dyed your hair? Been to the dentist? Smoked a cigarette? Been to a cemetery? Bought something over $500?

-

Shy Girl 1. You haven’t been in a lot of relationships. 2. People have asked you to speak up because they couldn’t hear what you were saying. 3. You get nervous when meeting new people. 4. You’re not good at talking to guys you like. 5. You have trouble making new friends. 6. With a group of friends, you are usually the one who doesn’t add much to the conversation. Total: 4

The Girl With Low Self-Esteem 1. You are not happy with your appearance. 2. You don’t think you’re good enough for any guy. 3. You don’t bother trying to get a date because you know you don’t have a chance. 4. You think people are lying when they compliment you. 5. You are not satisfied with your weight. 6. Sometimes you wish you were someone else. Total: 4

The Girl Who Is Too Obsessive 1. You like to know where your boyfriend is at all times. 3. You tell your boyfriend what he is and isn’t allowed to do. 4. Sometimes you message/text/call your boyfriend too much. 5. You’ve followed a boyfriend before because you thought he was cheating. 6. You have trouble keeping a boyfriend. Total: 1

Flirty Girl 1. You are obsessed with cute guys. 2. You have cheated or would cheat on a boyfriend. 3. You can’t be happy with just one guy. 4. You have been known to flirt a lot. 5. What your boyfriend doesn’t know won’t hurt him. 6. A lot of guys think you’re attractive. Total: 1

Confused Girl 1. Your relationship status is complicated. 2. You don’t know what kind of guy you want. 3. You’re not good at making decisions. 4. You’ve thought you were in love but really weren’t. 5. You get confused easily. 6. You are always changing your mind. Total: 2

The Needy Girl 1. You’ve been badly hurt after a breakup. 2. You depend too much on others. 3.You would do anything for a boyfriend if it meant making him happy. 4. Your boyfriend is a huge priority. 5. You can’t stand being away from your boyfriend. 6. You would accept anyone who asked you out. Total: 1

Playgirl 1. You have been in a lot of relationships. 2. You have hooked up with someone just for sex. 3. Most of your relationships weren’t serious. 4. You don’t really care if you break someone’s heart. 5. You are good at getting guys. 6. You are not a virgin. Total: 2

The Future-Seeking Girl 1. You have thought you found “the one” before. 2. You have imagined what you and your boyfriend’s kids will look like. 3. You want to get married. 4. You want kids. 5. You’d like serious long-term relationships. 6. You and a boyfriend have talked about your future together. Total: 3

The Attention-Seeking Girl 1. You love attention. 2. You have faked an illness or made a story up to get someone’s attention. 3.You love receiving gifts more than giving them. 4. You love PDA. 5. You hate it when your boyfriend pays more attention to someone else rather than you. 6. You would date someone even if you didn’t like them. Total: 1

The Dominator 1. You hate it when you don’t get your way. 2. You wear the pants in your relationship. 3. Your boyfriend would do anything for you. 4. You are spoiled or someone has called you spoiled. 5. You love to be in control of things. 6.You are usually the one to plan the things you and your boyfriend do. Total: 3

You are: Shy girl and The Girl with Low Self-esteem

-

The computer [] I spend hours at a time on the computer. [] Without the computer, life would not be the same. [] I depend so much on my computer, if it broke down, I would cry. [] I have sooooo many pictures, files, games and other things saved on my computer. [] I have my own computer, and it is in my room. [] I buy stuff online frequently. [] When I have homework or other responsibilities, I tend to go on the computer instead. [] I have been late to something because I couldn’t get off the damn computer. [] My parents always say that they’re ‘going to take away my internet’ because they know that would be the ultimate punishment. Total: 7

Online chat/phone [] I have spent more than 6 hours talking on the phone. [] My phone is practically attached to my ear. [] I have gone to sleep extremely late because I was up talking on the phone. [] My cellphone bill is too high. [] If my MSN/AIM/Yahoo, etc. won’t allow me to sign in, I go crazy. [] I have over 200 online buddies. [] I met good friends, or even my best friend, online. [] I meet people in person that I met on the internet, complete strangers. [] I spend more time in chatrooms than I do with my own family/friends. [] I’d rather chat online than by phone, e-mail, or in person. Total: 5

Magazines/books [] I am ALWAYS reading something. [] I have 100+ magazines. [] I buy more than 3 magazines every month. [] I am subscribed to more than 3 magazines. [] I am soon gonna run out of space to put all my magazines! [] When my mom threatens that she’s gonna thrown out my magazines, I yell and tell her that I’m keeping them forever! [] Reading is way more fun than TV, computer, music, etc. [] Books are my life. I even wanna write a book. [] I spend more money on books/magazines than I do on clothes every month. Total: 0

Music [] Without music, my life would be miserable. [] It seems that I’m always humming or singing something. [] I like every type of music. [] My mp3 player/iPod has over 1000 songs. [] Not to mention the huge amount of songs I have on my computer. [] I have 200+ CD’s. [] Music cheers me up, makes me happy, relieves my stress..kinda like a best friend. [] Whatever mood I’m in, I can always listen to some music. [] I am/want to be in a band. [] I lost count of how many concerts I’ve been to. Total: 3

Movies [] I see at least 4 movies in theatres per month. [] I have so many DVDs, I don’t know where all of them are! [] I have a DVD player in my room, that I use often. [] I buy every movie that I really like. [] I keep all my movie stubs. [] I am always quoting things from movies. [] I can list 20 of my favourite movies right now. [] I watch the Oscars religiously. [] Movies are better than TV shows and music put together. [] I have over 5 favourite actors and over 5 favourite actresses. Total: 0

Make-up, hair & other girly things [] I straighten/curl/crimp my hair every day. [] I don’t remember how my own natural hair colour looks unless I look at old pictures. [] I have so much make-up, I don’t even use half of it. [] I have more than 5 eyeliners, 5 eyeshadow palettes and 5 lip glosses. [] I wear bows, hairbands, ribbons, etc. in my hair. [] I get my hair cut more than once every 3 months. [] I LOVE pink, anything pink is good! [] Flowers are awesome, as well as chocolate, jewelry and designer clothes. [] Accessories are actually more important to me than my clothes! [] I have more than 5 purses. Total: 5

Television [] I watch at least 5 shows per day. [] I spend more than 5 hours watching TV every day. [] I am addicted to some shows. [] If I miss an episode of my favourite show, I’ll freak out. [] I watch TV before I go to sleep. [] My alarm clock is my TV. [] I have seen every MTV show at least once. [] I have more than 500 channels on my TV. [] I use picture-in-picture. [] During commercials, I flip to other channels to watch something else. Total: 2

Sports [] I watch sports every day. [] I have been on a sports team more than 5 times. [] I play sports any chance I get. [] I am very athletic and fit. [] I work out all the time. [] I also walk, run, bike, or swim on a regular basis (as a way of exercising). [] I have a favourite basketball, soccer, baseball, etc. player as well as favourite teams. [] I like to be outside waaayy more than staying inside. [] I don’t mind getting sweaty or breaking a nail. [] No, I’m not girly. Total: 1

Food [] I am in love with chocolate. [] I will eat anything once. [] I always eat when I’m bored, stressed, watching TV, etc. [] I don’t care about my weight, all I wanna do is eat! [] I have tried Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Thai, Indian, as well as other kind of dishes. [] I don’t have many foods that I dislike. [] I like going to parties or other gatherings for the food! [] My friends say I’m  a pig when it comes to food. [] I cannot go to the mall without eating something at the food court. [] Snacking is my favourite pastime. Total: 6

Going out/friends [] I go to tons of parties every year. [] I have more friends than I can count. [] If someone invites me to go somewhere, I don’t care what mood I’m in, I’m going! [] Movie theatres, amusement parks and malls are among my favourite places. [] I hate staying in, I’d rather be out 24/7. [] The computer is cool, but partying is so much better! [] My friends and I do crazyyy things! [] I cannot pay attention in class because I’m always chatting with friends or thinking about what I’m gonna do that night. [] Work? Who has time for a job when you can hang out with your friends instead! Total: 2

Shopping/clothes [] I go shopping at least twice a week. [] I don’t care how many shoes or accessories I have, I always need more! [] There’s always more room in my closet for more clothes. [] I follow fashion/trends. [] I have 10 or more pairs of jeans. [] I have 30+ shoes. [] The mall = best place ever! [] I spend money like nothing else. [] I can’t just ‘hang’ at the mall, I have to buy something! [] I want a job at my favourite store so I can get discounts and go shopping after work! Total: 2

Bad things [] I steal/shoplift frequently. [] I smoke cigarettes every day. [] I smoke something other than cigarettes regularly. [] I have gone to school/work high or drunk. [] I get drunk when I’m with friends and then do stupid things. [] I have done sexual things under the influence. [] I curse ALL the time. [] I fight with people constantly. [] I have been arrested. [] I am banned from 2 or more places.

Total: 1

My addiction is: Music, then Magazines/Books and Shopping/Clothes. True that :P

[theblognobodyfoundlastyear]

“In their last moments, people show you who they really are”

As we know, with this whole pandemic underway, it’s not surprising that the thought of an existential crisis comes to mind, your truly included. Indeed, for what we could run away on the road of daily routines, we finally have to face the cold truth -- that we really have no idea. No plan. No vision.

Not surprisingly, it seems that having the confidence to face said hard truths is never an easy decision. After all, we live in an age where the “easy but greasy” way is the path most travelled. And I suppose one could go out of their way to tackle the hard truths and punch them until they lie unconscious, only to realise that this is an ongoing task, a daily ritual, a routine of dealing with the truths of old. But to resolve something, and then to realise the futility of having to deal with such truths day-to-day, how would one continue to strive onwards when goal posts are always running further away, beckoning you to try as hard as you might only to notice that it was all meaningless? As mistakes are made, so will progress. In time, the mundane nature of the fact is that it is indeed inescapable.

So one should dash their hopes and dreams, commitments and aspirations, all to defeat the beast inside? Perhaps not so much a “beast” as more of a starved pelican that constantly attacks you whenever you’re carrying a cold beverage around. Perhaps that is the fate that befells all. Most people would try to evade destiny like a “choose your own adventure” novel, and some would never bother starting, knowing full well the inevitability of such a feat. Yet we must answer the call now, if not, eventually.

I suppose another mindset is that “I still have time. Let future me deal with that problem”. Not dismissing myself of such inadequacies, but it does make one think: To what end are you willing to flee from your own problems? After all, life doesn’t get much easier once everything changes yet stays the same. Would it be advisable to live in such a way that provokes unpredictability? I suppose a level of stability is a necessary evil -- after all, that’s how employment records work. But even so, in a time when one is not yet at the mid-game of life but still has opportunities to bulk up, “git gud” and flex hard, it may as well be something worth looking into for when the time comes.

And what of the personal goals and aspirations? One might argue in the counter-direction that such dreams are but fleeting thoughts, wishful thinking that is no better than yearning for KFC on a late night after a regrettable “social perusing”, to say the least. That’s not to say they’re worthless in its entirety, but a good realisation to understand is that what you think now may not translate to fond memories for your future self even if said future self isn’t adversely affected by such decisions. So the lesson, if there was one to begin with, may as well be: Think about the future and what you can do about it now. Don’t need to spend a lot of time, but from time to time, keep it at bay. Then action it. Even if it’s an incremental step. After all, you’re always heading in that direction anyway.

‘Til next time, young padawan.

The easy way, or the hard way? Only you can decide that, friend!

#future #running away from my problems #the hard way

[phanarchy-blog]

The Flame that Burns Me - Ch.1

Genre/Rating: Angst, Drama, Rated T.

Words: 2.1k

Fic Teaser: Dan and Phil are not together. Really, they aren’t, despite what Dan wants. So then why is everything put at risk when Dan gets together with a fan? Everything is about to change for them, in a way they never expected.

Chapter Summary: Dan fights with Phil, over something dumb as always, but Phil’s message to Dan is clear. We’re not together. With that fresh in his mind, he seeks comfort from a fan.

Whole Fic Warnings (all may not apply to this chapter): Swearing, aggression, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex, sensual scenes (no smut)

It all started over Ribena.

Dan made his way to the check out counter, head down. Nowadays more than ever, he tried to avoid being seen. He never knew who could be watching, who might realize that he lives nearby. He placed his items in front of the cashier in silence.

“How are you today, si- oh?” the woman behind the register stopped mid-sentence. Dan looked up to face her.

She was pretty, without a doubt. Fair skin with a dusting of freckles, hair dyed a very trendy silver-lavender. Her green eyes contrasted against her hair and it made them intense. Still, it only took Dan a moment to compose himself. He pleaded with his own eyes, don’t tell anyone who I am.

Realization washed over her face and she snapped back into her cashier-voice.

“Good afternoon, I’m Bethany. Find everything alright today, sir?” Dan didn’t miss the way she subtly leaned forward, pressing her arms to either side of her chest emphasizing the curve where her breasts met. He chuckled to himself, just grateful that she was playing along.

“I’m well, thanks!” Dan replied. Bethany bagged his things, a slight blush rising from her neck to her jawline. She smiled to herself.

This was not a typical meeting with a fan. Dan is usually quite adept at turning on the professionalism, offering hugs and selfies, and a few short words of gratitude before moving on with his day. But this was in his own neighborhood. He’d probably return to this store, maybe even see Bethany again. And she was so pretty.

“Ahem,” Dan cleared his throat. He did not mean to seem impatient, but he knew that’s how it came across.

“Just a moment,” Bethany said. She ripped the receipt from the machine and turned around with a marker. Dan focused his gaze on his phone, checking twitter while she marked the back. A website for the survey, Dan thought. “Receipt in the bag?”

“Yes, please.” Dan took the bags with one hand and, deciding to humor her, gave a brief salute with two fingers as he said, “Have a good one.” He turned away smiling.

Back at the flat, Dan heaved the groceries onto the table in the dining room.

“Phil,” he called out. “I got macaroons!” He knew how to get Phil running in to help put food away.

“You’re amazing,” Phil said as he rounded the corner.

“That’s your brand, Phil.” Dan set the Shreddies in the top cupboard, giggling at his own joke.

“Ah-ha-ha,” Phil mocked. He opened bags until he found the small coconut pastries and popped open the box. He tossed one into the air and caught it in his mouth, by some miracle. Dan just barely saw as he turned around.

“Much better than the last time when it bounced off your tooth and into my soup,” Dan quipped.

Phil glanced over the receipt as he chewed. He turned it over in his hand, and choked when he saw a hand-scrawled note on the back. He coughed until he was sure he could breathe again. Through his laughs, he read aloud.

“Call me if you break up with Phil. Wink face,” Phil sputtered, showing it to Dan. “Who’s Bethany?”

Dan snatched the note in an instant, reading it three times in disbelief.

“I think that was the cashier’s name at Tesco. She recognized me, but she didn’t say anything,” Dan explained. He was dumbfounded, awaiting Phil’s reaction. Phil grinned one last time, and went on searching through bags. Dan sighed in relief, continuing the task of clearing the counter tops.

However, as they danced around one another in the quiet of their kitchen, Dan began getting annoyed at Phil’s lack of response. He should give a shit if strange women were hitting on him. Their whole careers were tied together with this united front they presented, and this could jeopardize that. Dan would be ticked if it were the other way around. Of course, their careers would be the least of his reasons to be jealous.

When all the bags were empty, Phil stopped.

“Dan, where’s the Ribena?”

Dan paused, then lifted the empty plastic as if a bottle might magically appear underneath one.

“Ugh,” he huffed. “I forgot it.”

“You forgot it?” Phil scolded. “I literally asked you to go to the store, because we were out of Ribena. And you bring back everything but Ribena!” Normally this could go the way of friendly banter. Any other day it might have. But Dan was feeling like he already had an exposed nerve and the catch in Phil’s voice was grating at it.

“Hey, don’t blame me like that. You could have come with me!” Dan bit back. He rustled the grocery bags as he tossed them into the bin.

“I’ve been editing our gaming video all day and dreaming of Ribena,” Phil said with finality. He snapped the bags out of the bin behind Dan and shoved them in a cupboard beside him where they store them for later use, banging the wooden door harshly.

“Oh come off it,” Dan turned. “You can have water.” He reached for a glass and began running the sink, an attempt at making peace despite his tone of voice. Phil’s hand reached around him, brushing past his waist and across to turn the faucet off.

“I don’t want any water,” he spit. Phil made a move for the archway, every intention to leave the room and come back later when tensions were fading. Just before he stepped out, Dan spoke again.

“Is this really about the drink mix?” He said it, and it was out there. On some level, he regret it already. He didn’t want this to be a bigger tiff than it had to be. Deeper, Dan hoped he was right. He wished that the note got to Phil, because that might mean something.

“What are you on about?” Phil answered, turning slowly, exasperated.

“Are we really fighting about the Ribena or is something else bothering you?” Dan stood his ground, looking his friend in the eye. He hid his trembling hands behind his back.

“Look, we’re not lovers, so let’s stop fighting like it,” Phil said, his tone sour.

Unable to hold them still any longer, Dan ran his hands through his fringe, brushing it back from his forehead.

“Is this about Bethany?”

Phil let out a breath, a cold laugh that was nearly inaudible.

“You can fuck whoever you want, mate,” Phil said as he turned around and left Dan to deal with the black hole forming in his chest.

Dan sat on the hardwood floor of his bedroom, resting against the door. He hadn’t been able to walk any further before dropping to the ground.

It wasn’t quite a crisis. It wasn’t existential. It was only that Dan realized that after all the years spent with Phil, he still wasn’t on track to getting what he really needed. He had spent so many years alone in hopes that Phil may some day feel the same, but it only left Dan here. Lonely, irritable, and touch-starved. He realized when Phil brushed him that this was the most touch he had received from another person in weeks, and it wasn’t even loving.

Dan knew that he could have love if he wanted. There were millions of fans who would love to have him, albeit most of them not an appropriate partner for him. Point is, he had done so much work on himself in recent years and now he knew he was worthy of love. And if Phil couldn’t love him, someone else would.

It all sounded nice in his head, but the reality sunk heavy in his heart. Tears rolling down his cheeks, he knew he just needed someone. He needed to feel appreciated, and connected to another human on a physical level. Of course, he knew he wasn’t in a place to look for love this very second. He knew that would only end badly, but Dan always felt that love and sex didn’t have to come together. Dan knew he just needed a quick fuck.

His mind drifted back to Bethany. The way her hair grazed her elegant shoulders, and the smirk on her lips when she pushed her breasts together for him. He pulled his phone out and punched in the number she jotted on the back to the paper. His heart quickened pace as the line began to ring, unsure of what exactly he would say.

“Hello?” she answered in a confused tone. She didn’t know his number.

“I’m not with Phil,” Dan started immediately. “I mean, Phil and I were never..” Dan trailed off, leaving her to fill in the blank.

“Dan Howell,” she realized. “Do you want to visit for a drink then?”

He mumbled a yes and took down her street address. He slipped on his shoes and, grabbing his keys from his bedside table, skated out the front door without a word. 

Dan didn’t have to catch a train to get to her flat. She lived close enough that the walk was almost too quick. It didn’t give him enough time to reconsider before he was knocking on her door. The knob turned slowly and the door swung open wide. Bethany was there behind it, a wide toothy smile graced her face. Her hair was darker, wet from a shower after her work day. However, Dan noticed she was wearing jeans and a top. She had gotten dressed for him.

“Come in, Dan!” She said, toweling the last of her hair and gesturing inside with her free hand. Dan stepped inside.

The flat was still in the neighborhood, but much more modest than his own to say the least. It opened into her living room, which featured an unfolded futon with bedding, taking up much of the floor space.

“It’s an efficiency-” she started. “I’m not just a creep, I promise. Kitchen is over there, bathroom is through that way.” She made vague gestures as she set her towel on the radiator.

Dan grunted approvingly as he looked around. The symbolism was not lost on him, how he stepped directly through the front door of her apartment and into her most intimate space.

“So,” she said, snapping Dan out of his headspace. “White wine or red?”

“White, I guess.” Dan chuckled, unsure of how he found his way here or how to proceed. Bethany turned towards the kitchen door and waited for Dan to follow.

Dan sat hesitantly on a stool next to the breakfast bar, which was really the only space to sit anyway. Bethany pulled two wine glasses from the dish drainer and a bottle out of her fridge.

“How’s Phil tonight?” she said, topping Dan’s glass and setting the wine aside.

“Good, good. He’s good.” Too many goods. Dan realizes that she noticed when her lips squished into a line. “He’s not spectacular,” he admit.

“I see,” she said. “So that’s why you’re here tonight?” Her tone was non-judgemental, and she swirled her glass lightly, patiently awaiting his answer.

“I don’t know,” he said. He paused then, uncertain. “Is this weird? I feel like this is really weird. You’re obviously a fan and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to take advantage.”

Bethany grinned.

“I am a fan, but look around. I’ve got my own place. I’m 22. I know what I’m doing,” she leaned in a little closer, quite a feat for this already cramped kitchen. “I want this.”

She held there, mere centimeters from his face. Dan could feel his face being pulled to hers like gravity. Slowly drifting to one another, but accelerating the closer they became.

Her lips were soft and gentle. Easily pressing against his own, and as she grew in confidence, he too tossed his hesitations to the side. Dan rested his hand on her jaw and cradled her face to his. He had forgotten what kissing was meant to feel like, but his heart was pounding, and his breath was coming quickly, and he didn’t want it to stop.

They stood up together and backed out into the living area. Bethany pushed his jacket over his shoulders until it fell to the floor. Dan placed his hands to her hips and with the smallest push, she eagerly fell onto the futon for him.

Thanks so much for reading! Reblog if you want, feedback appreciated! Follow me if you want to read the next chapters when I post them, so far I have 4 planned out concretely, and potentially a second “series” if you will.

Read on to Chapter 2!

#phanfiction #phandom #dan and phil

[piermanwalter]

What if The Clone Wars had an eighth season?

In an alternate reality, George Lucas showed up to a meeting with Disney executives two hours late while drunk, pantsless, brandishing two stolen live pet chickens like Uzis, and covered with mysterious geometric bruises, forever ruining the rapport between the two companies, preventing Disney from purchasing Star Wars. 

As a result, the Star Wars: The Clone Wars TV show is not cancelled and I think these are some of the episodes that will be created. 

THE FILLER EPISODES

“I don’t care that you fools see me as weak if it means that I will see you drowning in your own arrogance.”                                                                          The show sort of raises the stakes by having General Grievous be brutally competent in an early episode, but he gets beat as easily as usual in later episodes, so there isn’t much point.

“HOOOOO YEAAAAAAH!” *sound of four Z-6 rotary blasters being fired at once by one man*                                                                                                 There’s an episode with absolutely no story or coherence solely focussed on Plo Koon and the 104th and it’s rad as hell.

“I think I’m a bad person if this is what I want.”                                          Katooni and friends try to show off in front of Jedi so that they might be chosen as Padawans, but when they are thrown into a real combat situation, they realize how terrible the war is and give up.

“Relax, friends! Judging by how well things are going, I think that only two of us will die! Pretty good, no?”                                                                                 Obi-Wan returns to his Rako Hardeen persona in order to team up with Hondo and Boba Fett to scam a fortune out of a Hutt crimelord, Grabo the Prosperous, freeing his slaves in the process. 

“BUT DESPITE ALL SETBACKS, THE REPUBLIC CONTINUES TO BRAVELY DEFEND- argh! Stop! HELP ME!”                                                                      The opening bombastic narration of this episode is cut off when the Separatists KIDNAP THE NARRATOR HIMSELF, a Republic newscaster/propagandist and the police of Coruscant have to rescue him. Tan Divo is there, no matter how hard everyone tries to get him to go away.

“Excuse me, sir! I can tell these are not truly Sluissi emeralds from their lack of diffracting lustre! Give me back my credits!”                                                       C-3PO and R2-D2 do some mind-numbingly boring errands for Padmé because there has to be at least one per season for some reason.

THE MERCHANDISE-DRIVEN EPISODES

“Oh no. That’s too many wheels.” “WAY too many wheels.”                                 A show producer accidentally puts in an order for many incredibly bizarre clone vehicle toys, and as a last ditch marketing attempt, a funny, heartwarming episode is made starring a new clone, Rotor, who is not a soldier, but he works in weapons and vehicles R&D. 

“That’s right, boys. I’m dressed to kill.”                                                           Aayla Secura, Adi Gallia, and Shaak Ti infiltrate an elite fashion show disguised as models in order to protect Senator Orn Free Taa, while Aurra Sing, Latts Razzi, and Asaji Ventress, also disguised as models, try to assassinate him. 

The cruddy, mediocre Republic Heroes game gets rebooted using the Battlefront engine. Because executives are imbeciles and believe that no human being in existence wants to buy a story-based FPS, an entire 3-parter, starring Cad Bane, is made to promote the game. It’s basically Casablanca with explosions.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. What do you mean by ‘How’re yer shtil alive?’ You imbecile. ‘Hurr how im gonna kill dat shkakoan? Oh im genius put the high presser lovin’ critter in a high presser.’ The best bounty hunter in the galaxy. Incredible.”                                                     Cad Bane is doing great, until he finds one of his many enemies, Kul Teska, in his favorite bar, despite having personally killed him years ago. Most of this episode is flashbacks composed of in-engine cutscenes lifted directly from the new game, but the animation is good enough that it’s almost impossible to tell.

“Get out of my way. I can’t shoot through you, nice as that’d be. Why you gotta be so damn huge?” “I was a preposterously fat youngling.”                                                                                                      Cad Bane gets a job assassinating Black Sun Vigos for Grabo the Prosperous, the same hutt that got scammed eight episodes ago. Unfortunately, Kul Teska had the same idea and the two of them are forced to work together. Cad Bane hates his life and Kul Teska is mildly amused. This episode is full of crazy action, colorful characters that die after ten seconds of screentime, and petty bantering. Bane finds himself not hating his nemesis as much.

“With luck, I will never see you again.”                                                          Grabo doesn’t uphold his end of the deal, so Bane and Teska put their rivalry on hold to scam him a second time before barely escaping with their lives. Cad Bane decides being a misanthrope loner is a waste of time and asks Teska if he wants to continue being a team. Kul Teska reveals that the only reason he agreed to the gig was to make enough money to get a ship to go back to his home planet. And then he leaves forever. Cad Bane spends the last minute of the episode drinking himself into oblivion.

THE PLOT EPISODES: TOO SERIOUS FOR DIALOGUE QUOTES (Come up with your own. I’m out of ideas because the opening paragraph is the most amazing thing I’ll ever write and this post is too long already.)

There’s an episode about Ahsoka dealing with an existential crisis after being abandoned by the Jedi Order. After struggling with her beliefs that only Republic soldiers are allowed to be heroes, her desire to help others is too strong and for the first time on this show, she kills a tyrannical Republic general and allows the droid army to move in because innocent people would be legitimately better off this way.

Narrated from the perspective of Darth Sidious, this episode shows his daily life, switching from persona to persona, thinking about the best way to exterminate an entire race while smiling and shaking their representative’s hand and consoling depressed politicians so they become so overconfident that they get themselves killed. It’s a parody of the Robot chicken parodies, but manages to be utterly terrifying. 

It’s Life Day. This episode is a bunch of vignettes about how different people celebrate. The clones scrape together some cash in order to buy a feast at their favorite cantina. Padmé is at a fancy gala but wishes Anakin was there. Cad Bane gets an unmarked crate filled with terrifying custom weapons thrown through his window. There is an underlying plot about the clone troopers investigating the spooky rumors of Order 66.

The first of a 3-parter, Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting to escape worker drones on Cato Neimoidia and have a disagreement over whether to kill everyone because they are mindless insects, or to spare them. Obi-Wan never allows Anakin’s plans to be put into effect, leading to Anakin becoming more and more frustrated until he deliberately allows Obi-Wan to get shot. Now in charge, he puts his murderous plans in action, which worked extremely well and they escape. Obi-Wan is extremely grateful that Anakin rescued him, completely unaware that he wanted him injured.

Without Obi-Wan to veto his ideas and keep him in check, and Ahsoka to go with his plans so hard that he gets concerned and gives up for her sake, Anakin’s tactics grow more and more brutal, and he gains more and more public adoration for how effective he is. He tries to keep this hidden from Padmé, but she finds out anyway and they have a huge argument ending with Padmé realizing he was like this from the very beginning, from when he first slaughtered the Sand People, and she was too lovestruck to notice.

The first half of this episode is Padmé getting involved in banking intrigues with Rush Clovis yet again to avoid Anakin. The second half is Anakin trying to reconcile with her. The episode ends with them forgiving each other and getting back together, but Anakin is already being torn apart by his feelings of guilt, jealousy, and rage, foreshadowing his complete mistrust of everyone and his fall to the Dark Side in Episode III.

#long post #star wars #clone wars #swtcw #george lucas #anakin skywalker #general grievous #plo koon #commander wolffe #obi-wan kenobi #katooni #rako hardeen #hondo ohnaka #boba fett #tan divo #c3p0 #r2d2 #padme amidala #aayla secura #adi gallia #shaak ti #orn free taa #asaji ventress #latts razzi #aurra sing #cad bane #kul teska #ahsoka tano #palpatine #darth sidious

[make-eye-contact-and-smile]

Out of evil, much good has come to me. By keeping quiet, repressing nothing, remaining attentive, and by accepting reality - taking things as they are, and not as I wanted them to be - by doing all this, unusual knowledge has come to me, and unusual powers as well, such as I could never have imagined before.I always thought that when we accepted things they overpowered us in some way or other. This turns out not to be true at all, and it is only by accepting them that one can assume and attitude towards them. So now I intend to play the game of life, being receptive to whatever comes to me, good and bad, sun and shadow forever alternating, and, in this way, also accepting my own nature with its positive and negative sides. Thus everything becomes more alive to me. What a fool I was! How I tried to force everything to go according to way I thought it ought to. - An ex patient of C. G. Jung (Alchemical Studies, page 47)

I feel that this; "Taking things as they are, not as I wanted them to be... accepting my own nature” This articulates the great exhale of my life. Accepting reality. Not wishing for magic [god]. Accepting mortality. Not wishing for eternal life [heaven]) These two enlightenments have been the great relief of my life. Living is no longer a desperate clinging to what I think I "need” to be true in order to survive. Living is pure joy. I have a genuine, ardent fascination with what is known and unknown. I feel love, without rhyme or reason. --- As a child you don't know about social queues, you care less about what people think and you're more impulsive. You're most likely to act instinctively. When I was young one of the many classes my parents enrolled me in was Ballet, a prerequisite of which was to dress in a pink leotard with a pink tutu etc. pink, pink, pink because, we're girls right? My 4-6 year old self refused, and I proudly wore a blue tutu for the entirely of my ballet career, which may have only been a year. 

Somewhere along the road to adulthood I learned about society, I was told what the rules were, I learned how to be self-conscious, try to fit in, to hide my body and it’s potential particularities. I learned about caring what other people think of me, in short - I became well versed in social anxiety and low self esteem and lost my individual spirit and carefree nature. 

I have spent the past two years discovering all the ways in which this has manifested in my life, and working consciously to free myself from them one by one. That blue tutu is a proclamation of the rebel inside of me (inside each of us - we are all weird and different) and a reminder to my adult self to be more like that un-coordinated little girl in blue, twirling amidst a sea of pink. But who taught me how to manage my thoughts? Who taught me to differentiate between healthy, helpful thinking styles & unhealthy, unhelpful ones? Who taught my parents this? Why was this vital contributor to human flourishing left out of out societal construct? Education and modern society didn't fail, because they never even made the attempt. Out of fear I found religion and in religion I found fear, and this was a cycle I got myself stuck in for about 15 years. I had always considered myself to be a very ordinary girl. Aside from divorced parents and a mild emetophobia (for everyone who doesn’t know, that means fear of vomiting), I felt like I had been hit by the lucky stick in life - I was too young to remember my parents divorce, I was without a doubt spoilt by them both as a child - and spoilt and well liked by every other significant adult in my life.My parents always got along, in front of me anyway, and I ended up with four incredible parents as I see it.I’ve been positively showered with love from my immediate family, with the added bonus of, to this day, having five sets of living grandparents.

I never complained, I was your a-typical “good child”, I never talked back, I never took drugs, I never played up in school. This was partly because I never felt I had anything to complain about, but also because throughout my life I developed a strong desire to never be a burden to other people.

This desire was distinctly solidified when I was 16 going on 17, and my baby brother (six years old at the time) was diagnosed with a terminal illness called Muscular Dystrophy. I had never heard of such a thing. That was when the panic attacks started. In true “good child” fashion, my immediate reaction was to internalise, I did not want to cause any additional pain to my parents, so I tried to suppress my mental and physical reactions to this. I didn’t want to demand any more of their time or ever risk causing any additional worry to them. I remember the bouts of nausea accompanied by a pounding heart that I thought you must be able to see through my school blazer. I can remember concerned faces, but I don’t think they knew any better than me that it could be rooted in anxiety.

Christianity had been a vague, happy, social factor in my life for about 6 years at this point. I was intrigued by the magical ideas it represented and the friendly people it seemed to attract, whom I felt safe and loved around.My friends all went to church, I went socially - it fit my meek demeanour.

With the discovery of what Muscular Dystrophy was though, and the reality of it in my life, three major thoughts formed in my mind; GUILT / FEAR / WEAKNESS: (and/or helplessness) Why did this not happen to me instead of him? I remember feeling terribly constrained by my limiting human-ness, if I were a super-hero and could choose a super power, I could pull it out of you and put it into me (if the wretched thing MUST go somewhere). Why aren’t I smarter!? Why had I studied ART, of all the stupid, useless things, why hadn’t I been interested in science, why wasn’t I a better person - stronger/smarter.  I wish I was brainy so that I could go out there and find a cure and fix the problem that had devastated my family.I created a very external mindset for myself at this crucial time of my life. I felt weak, in-capable and out of control.Bad things had happened to me and my family and I had absolutely no answers, no power to solve it and knew no ways to deal with these emotions.

Helplessness, victim mentality, and totally void of a bigger perspective, I turned to Christianity. Jesus offered everything that I yearned for; Peace, Joy, Freedom, but above all - HEALING. I threw myself into belief head first, clinging for dear life to the idea that “God can heal”, and, like a race-horse, put on blinders to anything that would threaten the truth of this idea. Vague questions would come to me throughout this time, “The Bible says that Homosexuality is wrong… but I don’t agree with that?”, “No.” I would tell myself, “Don’t even go there, you can’t risk acknowledging that the bible is wrong about that because if it’s wrong about that then, what else might it be wrong about? It could be wrong about healing.” So don’t think about it. I NEEDED this to be true, I NEEDED healing to be possible/true/attainable in order to go on with my life. It was my coping mechanism, and I suppose one day I might be grateful for it getting me through what it got me through at the time, however all I can see from my current perspective is how detrimental Christianity was to my self-esteem, to my strength as a person and to my mental health. Apart from this, religion offered consolation and comfort. togetherness, community, and after the existential crisis I undertook when Muscular Dystrophy entered my life, Christianity satisfied my yearning to understand why we exist, and why bad things happen. Throughout my 10-15 years as a Christian, I developed a dependancy on something other than myself.Christianity taught me that I was nothing and Jesus was everything, under the masquerade of “humility”, it undermined my self-sufficiency until it was virtually non-existent.Religious thinking made me a fearful, weak, distrustful, scared, external, unworthy version of myself. I actually found that in enabled me to be unforgiving, to hold grudges, to be unmotivated and to feel powerless.Waiting for Jesus to act is a great excuse to do nothing and still feel like you’re always right. I tithed, I prayed, I fasted and wished for healing of my brother, for personal protection from any sickness and pain and from death.In short, I spent years BROODING on fears of sickness, pain and death, which I deemed unbearable.Mortality was downright terrifying and I NEEDED God to save me from it. This fostered my fear and victim mentality, propelling my emetophobia to dangerous heights. This is a common phenomena when someone deals poorly with trauma, they feel out of control and so they desperately try to gain control over something. Sometimes this outworks itself as fear of heights or obessive compulsive disorder, for me, I guess I chose Emetophobia. They, and by they I mean the scientist and psychologists, describe Emetophiobia as an acute state of anxiety because you desire and strive to attain absolute control, but as intellectual beings who are subject to disease, we do know, deep down, that vomiting is not a thing that you can ever be totally in control of, and we therefore spiral ourselves into tighter and tighter knots. I wasn’t just controlling what I said, I was controlling what I thought “take captive everything thought and make it obedient to god” - I didn’t even let myself swear in my mind for a while there. It wasn’t until the day came that I actually became physically sick, and my phobia was pushed over the edge and I simply couldn’t get better by any medical or spiritual means, that started learning about mental health, that I realised just how much damage I had done to myself. I began to very practically work on ways to develop my self-esteem, to decrease my social anxiety and to nurture my internal sense of capability - and I tangibly saw and felt the positive impact of these -godless- things in my life. This was the beginning of a very difficult and painful battle in my brain. As I worked on my own personal resilience, and fostered my capabilities, the NEED that I had for a miraculous healing diminished. The need that I had, to feel protected from any form of sickness or pain, to be rescued from my mortality, started to evaporate.Once I stopped fetishising the idea of healing, suddenly every red flag that I had ever squashed like a whack-a-gator arcade game became something that I actually gave brain time to; God coming before human relationships, homosexuality being a sin, the innumerable biblical contradictions, the whole dinosaur thing (paleontology having been my first career dream, quashed by the unreconcilable differences between it and intelligent design, also by the deeply flawed education system, but that’s another can of worms altogether), the general ignorance of it all and the lack of intellect it fostered.The reason I had always pushed my curiosity under the rug is to do with fear, fear of facing my own awareness, laziness, feeling ill equipped, think someone is better for the job than you, not being smart enough, etc etc. either way it's a poor excuse. I’d finally acknowledged all the doubt and it was my duty to address it. It was a long year and a half process of addressing the red flags, trying to reconcile them with my world view, being afraid of how they challenged my worldview and how they would change life as I knew it, things like; I feel that faith should be an educated decision, not a blind one, but how can it be? How does one know that they have the right answer? How do you know that another theism (or atheism) doesn't have it right? The Son or the God? Some say they are definitely separate (Jesus is Son, offspring), some say they are one and the same (Col 2:9, the trinity) The Bible is a VERY subjective book. Every faith, every church in that faith, every person in that church can create their own interpretation. Who was Jesus? I have a problem with dogmatism, how can a human like me claim to have the absolute truth? What about the people who believe the opposite to you and also claim to have the absolute truth, are you claiming they’re less intelligent than you? What about people like Appeloneus of Tiana (a Greek philosopher who's claimed he had the powers to heal, raise dead and other miracles. Was persecuted by the Romans and was crucified like Jesus. Died on the cross, ascended to heaven and came back, appearing to his followers. He is said to have lived at the exact same time as Jesus. But with far less popularity.) Which is better, Medical treatment or prayer? If you think that prayer is only about praising god, then we can’t compare the two, but we can compare medical treatment with claimed of intercessory prayer (this type of prayer works at about the rate of chance - 50/50) if it only works at the rate of chance, then that’s not really a method... There was a lot of back and forth, a lot of telling my own brain to “shhh”,  a lot of internal turmoil and a whole new array of fears and doubts. My world view was changing, my belief was evaporating and I couldn’t ignore it anymore - more over, I didn’t WANT to ignore it anymore. It took me a long time to work up the courage to tell my significant other what was going on inside my head, because I knew what Christianity says about Christians dating non-Christians, it’s a no-no. The old phrase “unequally yolked” popped up many times, it had been drilled into us, “God comes first, God comes before human relationships."As I had feared, I was told that if I wasn’t going to believe in god, then we couldn’t be together.To tell someone you love, who says they love you “Here I am, this is me” and be rejected because of that is no small thing - after all, I was still the same person, with the same personality, the same humour, taste in movies, love for coffee, books, baking, the same love for them.Yet I suddenly I had a fatal flaw, disbelief. This reaction definitely added to my assertion that the Christian laws of love are questionable to say the least. If you can choose to cause yourself pain by separating yourself from the person you love, then there is something deeply wrong and deeply/plainly religious about that. Either that or, his love for me simply wasn’t strong enough, and this was an easy way out, which I honestly lean towards.Now I just suppose that I became someone who he didn’t like, and there’s no blame in that. We just became incompatible. I’ve very glad, honestly, relieved to have become the person that I have, and I can’t wait to continue growing and changing and improving. So, there I was, rejected, my world view turned up on it’s head, not sure what I thought or who I was, and two days away from trip to America with three friends. All of whom were no-doubt felt slightly dejected by the idea of nursing a heartbroken girl in the middle of an existential crisis while on holiday in California. It was a blue and tearful first few days, and I boarded the plane alone at the crack of dawn, seated next to the very large mother of a very large family who couldn’t contain her very large arm inside her own seat/personal space. It took all my will power not to loop both my arms around her sizeable left bicep and nestle my head into her shoulder, but I didn’t. I took a sleeping pill and watched film after film after film and didn’t sleep a single wink. I can’t remember most of those 14 long hours, but I landed in LA feeling rough but exceptionally glad to be far away from home. As I stood waiting in the LAX pick-up zone, my face split into the first smile for days as Tess, Sharee and Amanda came careering into view, their mouths open wide in excitement and all their arms flailing out the windows of the white Land Rover in greeting.Beneath all the “You’re here!!! We’re all together!!! On Holiday!! In LA!!” Laughter and hugs, I knew there was an extra tightness in all their embraces, an extra decibel in all their excitement that said “We’re going to take care of you”, and I only loved them all the more for it. We drove straight to a hotel that we had been eyeing off from across the pacific, and ordered all manor of eggs, avocado, bacon, toast, hash browns and that bad black American coffee - the experience was complete.

I was surprised, as were they, to discover that, I was fine.I was more than fine, I was the life of the party. I couldn’t contain my laughter, I felt free and peaceful and joyful.The worst had happened, and now I could think what I wanted, learn what I wanted, be who I wanted, without fearing the loss of love, because I’d already lost it. There was no moment of “de-conversion”. It was a long process of de-constructing lots of small beliefs that I once held as sacred, and releasing the clutching grip of my need for them to be true. "Scared by compelled to follow my conscience and my reason where it would take me” Initially I felt like, even if god existed, god would understand my desire to search and go where my conscience led me. I didn’t want to be the type of christian who was scared of the monster int he corner, I wanted to confront it, I wanted to, as Paul says “Give a reason for the hope within”. As I reflected on my time as a Christian, I realised I had been selfish and narcissistic. I'd been 100% obsessed with protecting number one,  protecting myself from the things that I feared; illness, loss, pain, judgement, humiliation - to name few. In promising freedom from these things, oddly, Christianity perpetuated their sustainment. It colluded with me, or rather, it allowed me to collude with myself in this festering cycle of self blame, hate and then justification. It told me, it's okay to have these problems, you're just a weak human and it's out of your control - wait for God. I couldn't argue out of that because I didn't WANT to be in control, I didn't WANT to take responsibility. I was lazy and afraid and didn't want to think about other problems in the world because if I let myself feel those things, then I would feel a ravaging desire to do something about it - and I didn't think I was capable. I didn't want to let myself feel because I was too afraid that to act, to feel judged, incapable, but most of all challenged in my fears. Over time, my humanity grew like grass. Newly fearless - or headed down that road - I left my dehydrated humanity out on the plain of society, open wide to the worries of the world, and it caught fire quicker than lighter fluid. Loosing your faith, and deciding to leave religion isn’t an easy path to take. As David Hayward (The Naked Pastor) puts it, “We find ourselves with all this physical evidence that a lot of the stuff we have been taught isn’t true. This is when a Christian realises that they might be an Atheist, and that is scary as hell. Pun intended.” The threat of loosing your community, friendships, world view and significant other all in one foul swoop is incredibly intimidating. Not thinking for myself though, was no longer an option, so I left.

I’ve been asked if I left because I was offended, or because I didn’t get healed of my illness, or freed from my fears, and I can’t express enough that this just isn’t how it played out.I left because I found answers elsewhere, that the church had never given me in 15 years of searching.I left because it didn’t encourage freedom of thought, and because of all the things it did discourage; equality, individuality, curiosity, self-esteem, self-reliance. When I first set out, I wanted to have the strongest faith that one could have.I reasoned that the only faith worth having, is one that can stand up against all other knowledge I could possibly attain. I didn’t want to be an ignorant Christian, I wanted to be one who had taken the time to investigate everything and decided that this god was the one true god. I thought also that if god is out there, surely this is the only kind of faith he would want, not blind faith. I started to question what Christianity said it was, if the bible is a reliable source of wisdom, I didn't know if there was a god. And what I found was that the Christian god didn’t hold up to my scrutiny, and I discovered that atheists are among the happiest, most loving, least prejudiced, most inclusive, most productive, inspiring, interesting, interested and enamoured people. I stumbled upon the term ‘Religious Moderate” and was appalled to realise that I had been the definition. “The problem that religious moderation poses for all of us is that it does not permit anything very critical to be said about religious literalism. We cannot say that fundamentalists are crazy, because they are merely practicing their freedom of belief; we cannot even say that they are mistaken in religious terms, because their knowledge of scripture is generally unrivalled. All we can say, as religious moderates, is that we don't like the personal and social costs that a full embrace of scripture imposes on us. This is not a new form of faith, or even a new species of scriptural exegesis; it is simply a capitulation to a variety of all-too-human interests that have nothing, in principle, to do with God.” - Sam Harris I am seriously interested and will spend the rest of my life reading, listening and learning about the universe. But my identity is no longer affected by the answer. I feel so comfortable in my own skin for the first time. I feel so certain of what I believe. So at ease, there is no mental battle over fighting belief or unbelief. Most of all I don’t feel ashamed of what I believe. As a Christian it was always quoted at me “Don’t be ashamed of the gospel you live for” but I was always ashamed. I never wanted to share it. Now I can see that that was simply my cognitive dissonance saying “You’re being told you should feel this way, but you don’t because, deep down you don’t believe that it’s true.”But now, I feel certain, and proud, and I want to share it with anyone who wants to hear it.Peace of mind - the deafening silence that comes when the battle between what you’ve been told you “should” or “need to” think and what you actually think is true, ceases. If the great exhale of my life was accepting things for the way they are, not the way I “want” or “need” them to be, then my first breath of life was I finally feeling sure of what I believe. And this is the third step, being public about it, not fearing the that presuppositions others held of me. The knots of my preverbial stomach loosening with each breath. I am finally free to be myself. To think what I want when I want and to change my mind at any point, my prerogative. So here it is; I am an Atheist. I simply don't believe that god exists. I don’t believe in Atheism, I accept that there is a great deal of evidence to suggest that intelligent design was not the culprit for the world around us. I make the assumption that the supernatural realm is not real, based upon the recognition that the existence of god has not been demonstrated, so I’m not going to rely upon god as a conclusion. I think the bible was written by stone-age fisherman who were trying to figure out the world, I think it was their first attempt at philosophy, psychology, education, government and controlling the masses. I see the Bible is a unique historic attempt at that, which is commendable, but that is all. I would now describe myself as a Secular Humanist, the goal of which is is human flourishing. “Finding out what is in humanity's best interests based of the facts of reality, and what methods are most likely to lead us to the best understanding of what is in our best interests.“We recognise that there are things that we have learned thought the entirety of human civilisation about what works and what doesn’t, about advancing ideas of individual autonomy, fairness, equality, opportunity, tolerance, liberty, peace and co-operation. All goals discovered over the course of human experience and they seem, by all measures, to increase human flourishing.” Or, to use Matt Dillahunty’s simplified definition; “Let’s strive to find better ways to do better. We seem to be stuck here on this rock in space interacting with each other, in a world where we need to make decisions, and while there are plenty of people that say their god is giving them the answer, we don’t have any good reason to think that’s the case. So let’s set those gods aside until they’re demonstrated, and try to work things out for ourselves.”

Congratulations for making it to the end.

[starsinursa]

Shout-out to @saminzat for tagging me! Like I needed an excuse to waste time. ;)

LAST

1) Drink:  Coffee... it’s like 10 p.m. at night, but I’m trying to stay awake to finish some work from the office (and yet I’m on tumblr doing this quiz instead, oops).

2) Phone call: A coworker called me so I’d have her new phone number.

3) Text message:  “FYI, they don’t give you the money right back, you have to wait 4 - 6  WEEKS for a check in the mail, uggggh”. I bailed the same coworker out of jail about three months ago and went to the city municipal court today to get the bail money back... turns out things aren’t that simple.

4) Song listened to:  Umm...so I’ve been listening to the Moana soundtrack pretty much non-stop for the last week. :D

5) Time you cried:  A couple of weeks ago, reading the fic “Cursed or Not” for the first time (hey, you get to chapter 18 and try not to ugly cry, okay?).

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated somebody twice:  Yep. Good ol’ high school.

7) Been cheated on:  Not that I know of.

8) Kissed someone and regretted it:  Yep. Good ol’ college.

9) Lost someone special:  Yes, a couple of times.

10) Been depressed:  Yep, special shout-out to my Prozac and Wellbutrin, love you guys. ;)

11) Gotten drunk and puked:  Yes, a few times, unfortunately. Again, good ol’ college (although I can’t use that excuse for the last time because I had already graduated... to whomever had to clean out that train car up in Minneapolis, MN, about 2.5 years ago: I am so, so sorry, I’ve learned my lesson about taking it easy on the Everclear, you have every right to hate me).

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS

12) Green

13) Purple

14) Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE YOU

15) Made new friends:  Kind of? Do work friends count? 

16) Fallen out of love:  Nah, gotta be in love for that

17) Laughed until you cried:  Yes, most recently was while watching “Impractical Jokers” with my aunt (they took a guy who is terrified of cats and made him teach an improv “how to bond with your cat” class, okay, I found it hilarious as a cat-owner).

18) Found out someone was gossiping about you:  Yeah, there’s a lot of gossip about everyone at my second job. Look, I’m sorry I go through all the water bottles, okay? I drink a lot of water...

19) Met someone who changed your life:  Not anyone specific in the last year that I can think of...

20) Found out who your true friends are: Meh. I’ve always kinda known.

21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list:  Nah

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook friends:  256

23) Pets:  Two! One dog, one cat, the best of both worlds.

24) Want to change your name:  Nah, I like my name.

WHAT

25) Did I get for my birthday:  Books, I always ask for books.

26) Time I woke up:  Around 8:30 a.m. this morning

27) Were you doing at midnight: Probably surfing tumblr, tbh, I am sadly predictable

28) Can’t you wait for: MY VACATION THIS NEXT WEEK

29) Was the last time you saw your mom:  A couple of weeks ago when I went home for a dentist appointment

30) Is something you wish you could change about your life:  I need to buckle down and really focus on paying off a couple of bills. It helps having a second job, but I’m just so impatient.

31) Are you listening to right now:  Nothing at the mo

32) Gets on your nerves:  Whiners. Don’t get me wrong, I love to bitch and complain as much as the next person, but people who blame the world/ everyone else for their problems? Just....yeah.

33) Talked to a person named Tom:  ...this question doesn’t make any sense. “What - talked to a person named Tom”? Also, no, I know several Tims, but no Toms.

34) Is your most visited website:  Pffft, tumblr, of course, is that even a real question

35) Elementary school/primary school:  [Name of my hometown] Elementary School

36) High School:  [Name of my hometown] Jr./ Sr. High School

37) College:  I’ve already mentioned in a couple of posts where I went to college, so I guess I’ll just say it: Kansas State University. EMAW!

38) Hair colour:  Dark brown

39) Long/short hair:  Long! It’s currently the longest it’s ever been in my entire life, I’m so excited (although holy shit, I shed a lot).

40) Crush:  Nah, not for a while. I creeped on a cute security guard a few months ago, but he turned out to be a jerk with a classic “crazy ex-girlfriend” (I put that part in quotation marks because I have no idea if she’s actually ‘crazy’ but he kept insisting she was...which is, just, y’know, a red flag on his part).

41) Do you like about yourself:  I’m actually pretty fond of my hair now, after a lifelong love/hate relationship. I also like to think I’m okay at singing sometimes.

42) Piercings: None at the moment, actually

43) Blood type: A+

44) Nickname: My family has always called me “Foo” (as in, “little bunny foo-foo”)

45) Relationship status:  Single, ayyyyy

46) Zodiac: Leo (pffft, but not really)

47) Pronouns: She/her

48) Favourite show: Supernatural (of course!), Psych, Once Upon a Time, Firefly, Scrubs, Nikita, Game of Thrones

49) Tattoos: None. I’m too fickle, I’d get one and then change my mind two weeks later.

50) Left or right handed: Right

FIRST

51) Surgery:  I had my tonsils out when I was 17 thanks to multiple bouts with strep throat. Oh my god, never wait until you’re that old to get your tonsils removed, it was absolute hell. 

52) Piercings: My ears. If we’re talking unusual piercings, I had a “nape piercing” for a while in high school.

53) Best friend:  Probably my cousin Kayla, since we grew up together

54) Sport:  I played softball for several years as a kid, until I got a bloody nose when the ball hit me in the face. Then I had to quit because I was gun-shy. To this day, I’m still afraid of balls flying at my face (hehehe).

55) Vacation:  I visited my dad in San Diego, CA for a week when I was ten years old

56) Pair of shoes:  First pair of shoes? I don’t know, I was a baby. Probably some over-priced cutesy pair that never even got any use because I was a baby.

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: Spicy Doritos

58) Drinking:  Still drinking coffee

59) I am about to:  Sort through my tumblr “Saved Drafts” and add tags for everything, then try to get some writing done

60) Listening to:  Nothing at the mo (this is the same question at #31?)

61) Waiting for:  Saturday when I leave for vacation! *o*

62) Want to see: Honestly can’t think of anything. I’d like to watch Moana again but it’s not on DVD yet?

63) Want to get married:  Sure, someday

64) Career:  Human services/ social work-ish? Basically, I work at a non-profit agency helping adults with developmental/ intellectual disabilities to get/ maintain services. Oh, and I also have a part-time job at an adult store. Gotta make ends meet, y’know.

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/kisses:  Really depends on who they’re from. Probably hugs for the most part. :)

66) Lips/eyes: Aaagh, I don’t know... I love gorgeous eyes, but I also love me some tasty lips... y’know what, I’m gonna go with lips. Yep.

67) Taller/shorter:  Taller

68) Younger/older: Older

69) Romantic/spontaneous:  I can be romantic when I have someone to be romantic for, but I’m not the most spontaneous. :D Like, let’s just stick to the PLAN, okay?

70) Nice arms/nice stomach: Arms. I like squishy cuddly tummies anyways.

71) Sensitive/loud: ...I don’t know. Sensitive, I guess, because being around loud people wears me out pretty quickly. But sensitivity needs to have limits too...

72) Hookup/relationship:  Relationship. Been there, done the hook-up thing, not worth it. Good ol’ college.

73) Troublemaker/hesitant: At this point in my life, I’d say hesitant. Trouble-making was fun in the past, but, like, I’ve got an actual career now that I could lose if I go around trouble-making/ hanging out with trouble-makers.

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger:  So, so many times. Good ol’ college.

75) Drank hard liquor:  Yep. Still love me some vodka. It just mixes with everything, y’know?

76) Lost glasses/contact lenses:  Contact lenses, yes, but luckily I’ve never lost a pair of glasses

77) Turned someone down:  Yes. I hate doing that. I’m a horrible, cowardly person who would rather “ghost” someone than have to deal with an uncomfortable confrontation. 

78) Canoodling on a first date:  Depends on the definition of “canoodling”. Are we talking cuddling or snuggling up during a movie? Sure. Making out? Maaaybe, depends. No copping a feel on the first date though, c’mon now.

79) Broken someone’s heart:  Yes. Breaking up with someone in high school is intense. 

80) Had your own heart broken:  Kind of, not really? The only person I legitimately had feelings for, I never told them how I felt, so they never really had the opportunity to break my heart but it hurt like hell anyways. Have I mentioned I’m a cowardly piece of shit? :D I mean, that was like 10 years ago in high school, but I haven’t changed that much.

81) Been arrested:  No, thank goodness. There were a couple of close calls during my partying days, I’ve definitely been luckier than I probably deserve.

82) Cried when someone died:  Yes. Doesn’t happen often, luckily.

83) Fallen for a friend: Not really? Had crushes on friends, had friends-with-benefits, yes, but never technically “fallen for” a friend.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: Depends on what we’re talking about here. In general, yeah, I like to think I do okay...

85) Miracles:  Ehhh, I can’t decide. It’s a wonderful thought but I’m also kind of a pessimist realist. You know what they say: “hope for the best but prepare for the worst”.

86) Santa Clause:  Not for many, many years

87) Kisses on a first date: Sure! End-of-the-date kisses are sweet.

88) Angels:  I...think so. 

89) Love at first sight:  I don’t know? It’s a wonderful thought but I’m just not sure. Maybe not love at first sight, per se, but I think there are definitely people out there that you can just tell right away they’re going to be special to you.

OTHER

90) Best friend’s name: None, at the mo

91) Eye colour: Brown

92) Favourite movie:  That’s a tough one... I think it depends on my mood. Do I want to laugh? Something trashy like “Sorority Boys”. Do I want to cry? Probably something steeped in existential crisis like “A.I.”. Do I want a feel-good adventure with talking animals? “Homeward Bound”.

Holy crap, that took like 1.5 hours. Anyone need an excuse to waste some time/ procrastinate/ be distracted? Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast, @helianthus21, @destielmixtape, @beesandangelkisses, @emotionally-compromised-idiot, @castielsgracex, @apritelleorai, @honeybee-and-batman, @sunshine-hunters, @waaaaaayward-assbutt, @cool-fallen-angel , and anyone else who wants to do it. :)

#about me quiz thingy #me #my personal life #i've been tagged #tagging other people