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starks-hero · 3 years

Text

The Right One

Pairing: Sherlock x Reader

Summary: Sherlock's previous experiences with love left a few cracks. But you're more than happy to help mend them.

Word Count: 1,332

Warnings: None really, some mentions of bad past experiences

It's funny how simple little things can stick in a person's mind for so long. How one small event can change their perception of so much.

This was the case when it came to Sherlock, specifically his interest in a romantic partner. Holmes always found it easier to act as though he found such things trivial, that the idea of a relationship was completely unappealing to him.

But truth be told, that wasn't really the case. Sherlock wasn't repelled by the idea of a girlfriend, or a boyfriend for that matter. If anything, he found the whole concept rather interesting. From observing his parents as a child to seeing John with Mary, Sherlock found love fascinating in its complexity.

But any spark or willingness to take the leap and grow close enough to someone to explore such a relationship had been swiftly stomped out by them.

He had been sixteen when he met the first. He was young and as carefree as he was ever going to be in his life. She had been a family friend and attended the same school as him, which meant there was practically no way Sherlock could avoid her. At first, he disliked her. He didn't understand why she took it personally. He disliked everyone at that point.

But gradually, he found that he enjoyed being around her. Or rather, he enjoyed the way she made him feel. Through his teen years, any and all attention Sherlock received from his peers was entirely negative. He was the freak, the know it all.

But not to her. To her, he was fascinating, intelligent, brilliant. And Sherlock loved it. He thrived on it. Before long it was an obsession, an addiction.

Which, of course, made it all the more painful when the truth came out. Getting close to the freak Holmes brother had earned her twenty pounds from each of her classmates, and thought Sherlock a valuable lesson.

He should have known that anyone willing to take such an interest in him was simply doing it for their own gain. The relationship he'd just begun to open his heart to turned out to be nothing more than a practical joke with his own heartbreak serving as the punchline.

He swore after that he'd never make the same mistake. However, attempting to cage one's own heart is a dangerous task. And as to be expected, it didn't remain locked away for all that long.

The day Irene Adler waltzed into his life, Sherlock's heart began to pull at the bars of its confinement. Not in a wild frenzy of love, or desperately out of lust. More so out of curiosity.

She cared, in a strange sort of way. She found him interesting. And though her constant advances did little good in seducing the detective, he couldn't ignore the growing feeling of being wanted again that was steadily expanding inside of him. The feeling of being appealing, being desired. It was intoxicating, but it wasn't love. And Sherlock firmly reminded himself of that fact. He recalled what happened last time and knew Irene was no different.

Sherlock couldn't really say much when it came to Jeannine. He had lied, manipulated and used her simply to further his grasp on a case. It was cruel, even by his standards. So when he found out Jeannine had played him the same way he had played her, he was amused, but beneath that, a part of him was disappointed. He may even go as far as saying upset.

He didn't blame Jeannie, of course, but knowing that once again, he was only found interesting for the rewards others could reap from him came as a painful reminder. It opened up old wounds that Sherlock was beginning to doubt would ever scar over.

Experiment after experiment. Test after test. A variety of different variables and yet the result was always the same. Sherlock had all the proof he needed to conclude that love was dangerous, foolish and unnecessary. It was a chemical disadvantage. He also concluded that he was the root of the problem.

But then there was you.

You stumbled into Sherlock's life completely unexpectedly and at that time, Sherlock was oblivious as to just how much you'd grow to mean to him. It started gradually. Sherlock's general disliking for people seemed to diminish when it came to you and he even found himself enjoying your company. He absentmindedly smiled when you spoke, made a habit of standing unnecessarily close and attempted to impress you whenever the opportunity presented itself, something John seldom let him forget.

To put it in simpler terms, Sherlock Holmes was absolutely smitten. He just hadn't realized it yet. The way you made him feel, the severity of the emotions he experienced because of you, there was no high that could achieve anything like it. The wonderful feeling of being wanted had returned.

Sherlock adored you, in every sense of the word.

However, when he realized what these feelings indicated, Sherlock struggled to contain his fear. He distanced himself from you before you could do it to him. He had been hurt before and survived. But he wasn't sure he could manage suffering through that emotional torment again, especially if it was at your hands.

This didn't go unnoticed. As ever vigilant as Sherlock was, his greatest downfall was his obliviousness to what was standing right in front of him. Had Sherlock not spent so much time trying to get you to like him, he probably would have noticed that you already did.

In fact, you were absolutely infatuated with him. And everyone knew. John knew, Molly knew, Lestrade knew. Donovan, Anderson and everyone at the Yard knew. Everyone but Sherlock. When he did start to withdraw from you, you figured it was now or never.

But for each step you took forward, Sherlock took two back. At first, you thought it was out of disinterest, that you had misread the entire situation and this was Sherlock's attempt at a wordless rejection. But you soon learned that was not the case.

Sherlock's behaviour did not come from a place of resentment, but rather a place of fear. Now that you'd figured it out, you were shocked you'd never seen it before. Sherlock had been broken. Scars lined his heart and he wasn't prepared to give anyone the power to hurt him like that again.

So, that's what you decided you'd show him. That he didn't have to be afraid, that you would never hurt him and that, with time, the scars would fade.

At first, Sherlock resembled a skittish deer, racing off at the first sign of affection. It was hard work, but then again, everything was hard work with Sherlock. You didn't so much as ‘dance around each other’ as you did helplessly stumble and fall at each other's feet; like two love struck teens experiencing love for the first time.

You let him come to you. And with time he did. Bit by bit, step by step, until you both met in the middle. It took a long time, but it couldn't have been more worth it in the end.

Sherlock changed once you started dating. He was a little less cold, a little less out of tune. He didn't see the world through rose-tinted glasses by any means, but everything did seem that bit brighter.

The insecurity was still there. The fear that he was being used, that he was disposable. It’s not the kind of thing that can be completely loved away after all. But with each soft touch, each kiss, each compliment, each simple yet genuine display of love and affection, the insecurities lessened and the feeling of contentment grew.

And the day he first heard you mutter those three simple words with full confidence, the scars on his heart faded ever so slightly, and he allowed himself to start healing.

Because you loved him, and slowly Sherlock was learning to love you too.

~~~~~~

Forever tag list: @miraclesoflove @bakerstreethound @Kealohilani-tepise

Sherlock tag list: @fanfictionsilove @quentawewe @andreasworlsboring101 @doozywoozy @the-worst-critic @starrykitn @the-queer-dungeoneer @xxvisiblexx @Xhz17x @Jellyfishbeansontoast

#bbc sherlock x reader #sherlock x reader #Sherlock Holmes x Reader #sherlock x you #sherlock x y/n #sherlock holmes x you #Sherlock Holmes fanfiction #Sherlock Holmes #bbc sherlock fic #sherlock fanfiction #bbc sherlock imagine #sherlock imagine

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justyoursimpleflower · 3 years

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Always Been You- Sirius Black

Warnings:- mention of death , crying, unconditional love, change of pov, when it's in first person it's the reader but sometimes it's in third person too, that's author's pov.

A/N :- This was posted before but because of some reasons it got deleted. I haven't changed anything so this is bad, the writing is not good, but if you still want to continue, go ahead.so basically most of my one shots are going to be gender neutral, so uses of they/them I'll try my best to keep it that way. Also feel free to point my mistakes. For better feels, listen to the above song, on repeat, cause there are some references to lyrics.

' This is it. This is how it's going to be. I am going to the Great Hall and ask him out simply like this. '

With those thoughts and a bit stupid plan, I made my way to the Great Hall with my heart racing a mile per second. I have been in love with him since...since forever.

Sirius Black. The family disappointment and friends' pride. He was famous to be found in the dark corners of the hallways performing not so PG-13 things with a new person every week. A good amount of Hogwarts student population would swoon on his good looks, he was known as the The Heartbreaker. But was he really?

If you are any other person who swoons on his good looks, and is ready to give up anything for kiss those beautiful pink lips only for once, you might say, yes, he is.

But if you are one of his close friends you might disagree ( but if you are James Potter, you will agree, just to make fuss of things ), Sirius was not one for physical touch. It took him three years to be exact, before he could accept a hug from even James. Yes, he flirted. Yes, he was cheeky, but no, he was not exactly a player.

I was one of the people who knew about this, well only because we were part of same friends group.

I reached the great hall and suddenly all my confidence drained out of me. Suddenly I was too anxious, so I dropped the idea, like I had been for a year. Putting on a smile, I made a beeline towards the place they all were sitting. Even I could feel the eyes of every person that was on him, how those were not suffocating him, was beyond me.

When I was near enough for them to notice me, Sirius turned to face me and smiled. Extending one arm for me to take his hand, he emptied a space beside him for me to sit.

I took his hand and sat at the place which was before taken by James, who now was grumbling about something I couldn't quite make out.

I turn towards Sirius to find him looking over me,

"Hey darling, what took you so long?" He smiles at me so casually like he just didn't turn my insides to erupt in tingling sensation.

Yes, I have had crushes before ( mostly fictional character, but that is out of question ) but something about Sirius feels different. Like I can rant to him about a bad day and he will just smile and make everything right, like if I tell him that I want something, he will flip out the world to get me that, like if I feel like giving up, he will help me, encourage me to try again. And these things make me realise that it's not only his beautiful face that made me fall head over heels for him, it's the way he treats me. Just like those fictional characters, I don't know how they look, it's the way they love. I crave for that kind of love and Sirius makes me feel loved that way even without being someone like my significant other.

So, at that moment I decide that I'm not going to tell him to be some one, I expect him the least to be, instead, I'm going to cherish this love from distance.

I smile back at him and said,

"Nothing just something came up."

***

If you asked Sirius that has he experienced the feeling love, even after being in so many relationship, he would laugh and say that you might be a nutter to think so but he won't deny the fact that he had been in a lot of relationships but in his heart he knows that he has, in fact, experienced love. In his heart, he knows that person to be his darling.

He still spends hundred sleepless night thinking if the the fate hadn't been twisted he might have never met his darling, and he would have been still searching for someone to love. It was like a fairytale and he can't explain it. His darling has always been there.

They had accepted him the way he was, the simple boy under all the facade, under all the scars and insecurities. They were the one his heart kept coming back to, but was he really the confident guy, people knew him to be? No, he might be able to call them darling but no, he was afraid of what the fate now holds for him.

What if they never want to see him again after the confession?

What if they don't feel the same?

What if he isn't right for them?

And like these a million of whatif's were wandering in his mind and he couldn't risk it, he couldn't risk them. It was better to love them from a distance than loose them forever.

So with this thought, he gave up the idea of ever telling them about the fluttering he feels in his chest when he makes them laugh so hard they it turns into snorts, about how his eyes always are searching for them, about how he loves when they are by his side, about how deeply he is in love with them, about the fact that it was never those people who just loved his facade, he want to tell them that it's always been you.

***

Some years later ( after Hogwarts)

The time moved on and it had been a while year since they left Hogwarts. But alas! None of them told each other about their feelings like they promised themselves.

To their friends it was as if they don't feel for each other anymore but if only they knew that how both of them take a sigh of relief when they see each other in another Order meeting after a mission, how both of them still sneak glances at each other, how both of them are still so in love with each other.

***

After a particular hard mission from Order, I was exhausted. Both physically and mentally. A lot of things had been happening in my life recently. I joined the Order, my parents shifted to New York, I moved out, and I having growing suspicion that Sirius had started seeing Marlene.

Well, I know it shouldn't bother me but, I can't help it, after all, I love him. As wrong as it sounds, I do. I do love him, but he is never going to know that, because these feelings are going to die with me, and considering the situation now, it might be soon.

But what should I do? I love him souch now that it hurts, it hurts to be away from him, it hurts to see him standing with someone else, it hurts now to love from distance. My whole life, I had dreamt to love someone, to love someone so much that any book couple can't beat it. My whole life I had dreamt for the moment when I will feel the love, to be someone's side till my last breath, to give up every thing, to make that person but how unfortunate of me, I fell in love with someone who could never have been mine, who could never love me the way I want, who would love someone and love that person to beat the love of Romeo but that person will never be me.

So much lost in thoughts that I never noticed the tears that escaped my eyes. A sob racked my body, I tried to stop it but I couldn't. Just like my love, my fate, it was out of control.

I never noticed when I fell asleep crying but I was woke up with the sounds of knocks on the house door. When I opened my eyes, I could still see the night starry sky from my window.

I started to panic, but I calmed myself enough and went to check the door, not before I grabbed my wand. Slowly, I opened my door to find Sirius standing there, grinning at me. I breathed sigh of relief but soon narrowed my eyes. I slapped him lightly on his cheek. He gasped the rubbed the spot on his cheek.

"Why would you do that darling?"

"Because you scared me! Who comes this late at night?"

"But if you must know, when I got to know you're back, I thought, I might take you to stargazing."

Even the thought of spending a night with him, just looking at the stars, clenches my heart. I want to say yes, I want to say that I'll do it for my whole life, if he asked but the thought that were there other people too, with whom he goes for this. And I find myself smiling and taking his hand.

Just like that we were laying on grassy land staring at the sky so full of stars. We were with each other but our hearts were not. Not yet. Maybe will never be.

We were just laying in silence, the only sound surrounding us were our steady breaths. But then he turned to me. I could feel his gaze but something in me told me not to turn towards him. Maybe it was because I knew, if I did I will fall more, maybe because it was the same way I fell in love.

It was particularly good weather, the sky was clear and yet the light breeze was soothing. He was sitting with me on the astronomy tower and maybe I regretted it later for not paying attention to our professor but at that moment nothing mattered, we were too much lost in our own world.

The crescent of moon was enough for illuminating our faces and the stars were enough to listen to our silent laughter. I looked at him, one side lighted by the blue light of moon and at that moment I couldn't stop myself and I fell. I fell in love. But there was no regret just a pinch of pain. Pain that maybe this feeling was only going to destroy me but I was actually happy, I was happy because I found what I was craving for my whole life.

I knew, I knew I'll regret it the moment I turned to him but I couldn't stop myself so I did. He was beautiful, he always looked beautiful in the night a bit more.

"How was it?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper, like if he spoke too loudly the moment will shatter.

"Alright, a bit difficult than the others." I replied in the same voice, it was not possible but I feared that the might shatter and I won't be able to take that.

We were silent again but this time we were actually too lost in each other's eyes to even think about saying something. I gulped, maybe I should tell him. So I gathered my whole courage,

"Sirius, I was thinking to move to New York, where my parents are. You know, after this all is over." I won't be able to see him being someone else's. I won't be able to look at him loving someone else while I'll be waiting for him forever. It's better to never see it, then to break every time. Or maybe I don't have to even do that, maybe I won't even survive.

"Why?" His voice sounded a bit more dense, like he was stopping himself from crying.

Before I could even reply, he spoke again,

"Because you want to leave me, don't you?" He sounded hurt, but maybe it was all in my head.

" What is here left to stay for?" He needs to know now, even if I die, there won't be a guilt that I never told him.

"Am I not enough to stay for?"

But now I was unable to look at him, the tears had already clouded my eyes, but I could tell by his voice that he too was stopping himself from crying.

So I sat up, he too did following me. Wiping my eyes I looked at him,

"How can I Sirius? How can I stay when I have to see you be with someone else? You know why that is because I fell in love with you!" I didn't even try to stop the tears now. Heavy sobs were shaking my body.

"It hurts Sirius, it so much to see you with Marlene..." I could see he was now crying too now,

"But I don't want to hold you, I don't want to take some happiness from you, just because I can't stop falling in love with you. I...I can't see you fall for someone else."

"It's always been you" his voice so low that I barely heard him.

"It was never someone else, it was always you. You have been the one I fell in love with. It's... it's not Marlene. It's you." I had never seen him look so hurt, like even the thought of loving someone else hurts.

"You know, why that is that, because no matter how hard I try, my heart keeps coming back to you. Because you have always been with me despite the fact you have seen me broken. You stayed despite seeing my darkest fears like you've known me for a thousand years. Do you remember that day?" He was now inches apart from me. But he didn't need to tell me which day, because I knew.

It was a bit late at night when I woke up from my slumber, exam stress had been taking a toll on me. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't, giving up I made my way towards the common room. But when I didn't feel better, I went out for a walk. Luckily for me, I found no one in my way and soon I was climbing the stairs towards the astronomy tower.

The sight at the top of tower shook my core. Sirius was sitting there but his eyes were puffy and red from crying. Silently, I made my way towards him. When I was almost in front of him, he looked up, a wave shock crossed his face but he was quick to mask it. He smirked a bit,

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked but instead of answering I kneeled infront of him. Slowly, I moved my hand to cup his cheek. First I let my fingers brush his skin cautiously, to see any sign that he didn't want me to. When I found none, I took his cheek softly in my hands.

He closed his eyes, and that moment was enough to break him, he started to heavily sob, his body shaking, tears streaming down his face.

Slowly, I took him in a hug and let him cry, he cried for what felt like entirety but when he stopped, his face was still in the crook of my neck.

"You can go, you don't need to stay." He wisphered.

I didn't answer, instead my hand found its way on his head, slowly massaging his scalp, I asked,

"Do you want me to leave?" He didn't say anything just hugged me a bit tighter.

"You know what I feared the most? My brother, Regulus turning like them. And that's what happened. I couldn't save him."

"Did you try to save him?" I asked, almost whispering.

"Not enough."

I pulled away from the hug and took his face in my hands again. He melted in my touch.

"It doesn't matter what the result was, if you tried, you saved him. The rest was always was and will be on him"

He released a shaky breath, then chuckled a bit.

"You have finally found me under the facade, haven't you?" I smiled. That night, none of us slept, but we didn't talk either, but it felt enough.

"It was always you," He whispered.

"And I can't let you go. I thought that I am not right for you, after all, who could love someone so broken as me, I always thought you deserved better."

I couldn't stop my self, so I took his face in my hands,

"It's always been you, Sirius. I won't be able to love anyone else, if I can't love you."

We both were crying now but despite that, I felt happy, I felt complete. Slowly, we leaned forward, so our foreheads were touching. We looked each other in the eye,

"It's always been you." We whispered against each other then connected them.

Finally, my love story was complete, my fairy tale was complete.

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ktheist · 3 years

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for the drabble game: college!taehyung + sentence starters + no. 8 under misc

8. “But I’ve never told you that before.”

muses. fratboy!taehyung / college!taehyung

kim taehyung and you have an odd relationship.

you’re not even friends, really. just two friends of a friend who makes an accquaintance and happened to find themselves in a secluded class some time after 5, once most of the classes are vacant. the lecturers have their own rooms and the classes are manned by persons from the admin and they hardly ever come around until 8pm when it’s time to lock the doors.

you find out taehyung’s obsession for art and he finds out your obsession for interior design. at least yours isn’t too far off from what mechanical engineering entails.

at some point, you can even say your interests are like two streams running side by side until it mingles at one point in time.

then, you find out that he’s part of one of the most notorious fraternities for their wild parties that lasts for three days straight at the end of every semester. and oh, here’s the good part, only the popular ones get invited.

“figures why you haven’t heard of me,” you tease.

“what? no! i-i’ve heard of you, i just didn’t have the pleasure of meeting you,” his wide-eyed gaze hints at a sort of innocence his brothers lack.

you wonder how he got sucked into the frat house shenanigans.

“chill, i was kidding, i’ve been laying low anyway,” you wave a hand.

“wh-what? why?” he asks and you’re not particularly restricted to telling him the reason.

“first year, jimin and i would’ve celebrated our 4th year anniversary - if you can’t tell, we were high school sweethearts,” you laugh, chest still prickled with the kind of pain only time can heal, “but yeeun came along, he fell for her and since she’s more popular, everyone just started believing that i was the one who got in between her and jimin.”

the rage in taehyung’s eyes spread like wildfire, burning and tearing down everything in its path until you place a hand on his shoulder and he looks at you as if you’re a goddess sent to placate hades’ wrath.

“it’s chill, at least i’m one heartbreak away from finding the right one,” you say.

but taehyung finds you with puffy cheeks and pink eyes as you walk out of the bathroom. it’s no surprise and yet it is. kim yeeun spilled coffee all over your hair and shirt and the slap you give her still reverberates against the walls of the lecture hall.

your friends who came out a second later connects the two dots and nudges you towards taehyung before scurrying away, but not with a threat of ‘you better not make her cry more, kim taehyung’.

why they left you with a boy you barely know is beyond you - but perhaps it’s got to do with the fact that delta psi is in tight rivalry of beta nu, the frat jimin’s been loyal to after he broke your heart and gave his to the girl that’s been microaggressively picking on you since day one.

“i heard the red mark on kim yeeun’s face is still there,” he casually says three days after he’s been running up to you every time he sees you somewhere in the large building made for sleepless engineering students.

“it better, i almost twisted my wrist because of it,” you roll your eyes but taehyung must have known that the hostility is awkward, forced.

then, so it goes, the many instances where kim taehyung and you would be spotted laughing or walking together as if he’s the boy who mended the broken girl’s heart.

unbeknownst to them that you’re the one gradually breaking taehyung’s heart with your ‘you know what, i’ve never had a guy friend’ and ‘chill, you’re scaring my potential boyfriends!’ at parties he starts bringing you to.

“i can’t wait to see johnny again,” you confess, smile curling on your lips as you nudge taehyung’s elbow, “aren’t you curious who this johnny-from-hometown is? might be another subject of you death glares.”

surprisingly, kim taehyung doesn’t bat an eye at the mysterious mention of the name.

“i know, she’s your cat.”

he keeps on walking whilst you stop dead in your track. it doesn’t even take fiv seconds to notice your lack of presence on his side before he stops too, twirling around and shooting you and arched eyebrow.

“but i’ve never told you that before,” you feel your own brows coming together in a frown.

“you mumble in your sleep,” taehyung points out as if it’s the most obvious thing to do.

“oh,” you whole heartedly believe him, falling back into pace with him.

in hindsight, you should’ve probably been more careful when you talk about sleeping and being in each other’s presence whilst that activity was happening. even if it was just taehyung helping out a drunk and offering her shelter until morning comes.

“yoo jia heard it with her own ears! they’re sleeping together!” is what’s been circulating around at the start of the week while you’re stretching your arms over your head as a yawn escapes you.

“i don’t wanna be that person, but,” jennie kim loops her arm around yours when she finds you in the hallway, heading to your shared class, “are you and kim taehyung finally dating?”

“finally?” you feel the muscles on your face contort into an ugly frown, “wait, does that mean there’s been speculations we were gonna end up dating? what?”

and that’s how you find out the rumor that starts up a fire throughout your whole class. by noon, it gets almost impossible to ignore those prying eyes that sticks with you as you stand in front of taehyung, “did you know? about the rumor?”

“can’t say i didn’t,” he shrugs.

“god-” you smack his arm and he dramatically raise his shoulders in brace for impact, “-damn it, why didn’t you tell me?!”

“what good would it do if i told you? ah! cuddlebugs, you’re hurting me!” his voice is exceptionally loud.

“c-cuddlebugs? what the-” you’re rendered frozen and wide-eyed by his tricks yet something in churns with butterflies.

“i’ll see you tonight, okay?” he pinches your cheek and slips past you with a sort of smirk that you’ve never seen him wear.

everything gets weirder from there after.

you become hyper aware of what kim taehyung does or say, the way he has two smiles; a pure box-ish one and a titled smirk that’s just enough to get your heart racing when paired with a rase of his eyebrows. there’s a hint of masculinity under the scent of fruity floral juul he smokes and sticks to his shirt. and his touches tingle. they tingle like a ghost of a touch lingering on the hand that he mindlessly holds to keep you from being pushed around by the wave of dancing bodies.

he laughs when you pull your hand away and crosses your arm over it, “chill, i wasn’t trying to make a pass on you, just making sure you’re still there when i turn around.”

you’ve had records of getting lost in the crowd when it comes to parties - and when are parties not crowded?

taehyung hands you an unopened can of beer and you look at him questioningly because he always pops it open for you, “you don’t trust me to hold your hand but you want me to open your drink for you?”

there’s an underlying brazenness in his teasing tonight, as if he’s mistakenly decided to wear a cloak of a frat boy than the kim taehyung you’ve known and loved.

as a friend that is.

“whatever,” you gulp down the drink with reckless abandon, appreciating the bitterness that somehow roots you to reality despite the impending buzz that’ll drive you away from said reality.

and then you’re back to your old self, laughing and joking around in that bench outside of taehyung’s frat house, sitting a little too closely until your thighs are perched on top of his and his hand is drawing circles on the outside of your thigh.

“i don’t like that,” you confess, “the way you’re trying to act all sexy and hot,” and without any warning, you take his face in your palms, squishing his cheeks, not enough to hurt but enough to make his eyes go wide with surprise and that innocent glint in them, “now, that’s better. that’s my taehyung.”

then his hand travels up from your thigh to your cheek, caressing the heated area of your face with his knuckles, “but if i’m the cute, childish taehyung, you won’t see me as a man.”

“man schman,” you huff, hands falling into your lap, “a real man won’t feel the need to act masculine to get a girl.”

“then... if i tell you i-”

and that’s when you lean so far back, almost hitting your head against the metal edge in the process if taehyung hadn’t caught you in time. eyes screwed shut and mouth partly open, you mumble, “man... schman...”

taehyung shakes his head, a smile playing on his lips. he unzips his hoodie and wraps it around you - that’s another one he won’t get back, but he doesn’t mind as much because-

“you’re lucky i like you.”

#taehyung scenarios #taehyung x reader #taehyung x you #taehyung fanfic #bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts x you #bts x reader #bts fic #taehyung fic #taehyung smut #bts smut #bts au #bts fluff #bts drabbles #drabble game 1 #excerpt from a fic i'll never write

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mintsuke · 4 years

Text

Second Chance (k.s.)

In which; Kita Shinsuke falls for his daughter’s f!kindergarten teacher.

WC: 6.6K

A/N; 200 follower special!! 😳 ty all again and I hope you enjoy and lmk what you think <3

*Slight reference to Clannad :’)

Warnings!: mentions of death, miscarriage, cheating

First day of school jitters weren’t a thing in Kita’s book. There was no such thing when he was always prepared with all his supplies in his satchel and knowledge of where and what class he was in. Why was there a need to be nervous as long as you studied and prepared like usual?

It hadn’t even registered in his mind that he was nervous until he had to let go of the tiny hand curled around his index finger. There was only three times he’d ever felt nervous, his chest twisting crudely and his stomach fluttering uncomfortably with butterflies. One of which, he’d like to never have to relive.

And currently. It was scarily coming back to him like a pick up truck hurling towards him at dangerous speeds.

He almost forgot how to breathe as other parents kiss the bubbly cheeks of their own children and watch as the students stand in line as best as they can in front of their classroom.

“Papa?” the little girl asked, her large hazel eyes blinked at his strained chestnut own, cheeks full and pinch-able, and mouth wide in excitement. His grandmother had helped pull her dark hair into cute little pig tails, not taking a no for an answer when the little one threw a fit about being a big girl now.

“Kita Erina-chan?”

A breath. Then all oxygen once again left his lungs as he snapped his head up to greet his daughter’s teacher.

You stand there with a warm smile, eyes crinkled and nose slightly scrunched. A striped apron had been tied over your clothes.

He’s not even quite sure of his own reaction as he watches with deaf ears as your lips move, but all he can hear is his heart thrumming loudly in his ears. He doesn’t snap out of his stupor until he realizes you’re calling out his family name in confusion.

“Oh... I apologize...” He mutters in a fluster, scratching the back of his neck nervously. Looking around now, he’s probably one of the last parents to let go of their child, and he can’t help the heat that crawls over his cheeks.

It was unlike him to act shy like this as well.

“No worries. A lot of parents have a little reluctance on the first day of school. I mean who wouldn’t when you look at these cute little ones,” You smile down at Erina, who mirrors your expression as you hold out your hand, “Shall we go? I have a lot of fun things planned for you, Erina-chan!”

The heartbreak is unbearable when the little girl releases her hold on his index finger after a brief kiss on his forehead.

“Tell Papa see you later!” You instruct jovially to Erina, who parrots the phrase cutely, as you and the girl lead the line of kindergartners into the classroom.

Kita’s attention is divided between the absolute adorableness of his own child, and the comfortable way you had just referred to him as papa. It doesn’t even kick in that he’s so smitten with your mere appearance until he’s halfway home and realizes he didn’t catch your introduction and name during his stupor.

He forgets, however, that work needs to be done in the field, and regretfully relinquishes picking up his daughter to his grandmother - who claims the walk is nothing for her strong bones. He’d beg to differ, but kept his thoughts to himself and waited until he returned home to Erina and his granny welcoming him home with dinner.

“How was school?” He asked as he opened his arm wide to beckon her onto his lap. Bouncing, she nearly cannonballs onto his crossed legs, briefly hugging her father before kissing his cheek happily.

“It was fun!” She exclaimed, going on to excitedly recount her day. He smiled and listened carefully to her story of playing tag with the other kids, her new favorite book being the one you had read during story time, and the drawing she had made during art - which she ran all the way to her room to grab to show him.

“Oh who’s this?” Kita asks curiously as he places his pointer over what he presumed to be a woman holding the child’s hand, the other being held by a man. At least from what he could out of her block-y crayon shapes and mitten-hands and waves to indicate long hair.

“(L/n)-sensei!” Erina grins toothily.

“You really like your teacher?” A question to which she nods mirthfully to.

Yumie smiles in adoration at the child of her grandson, “She’s a very nice woman, very pretty and young... A perfect match.”

Kita’s eyes narrowed for a half second at the glint in his grandmother’s eyes. What was she trying to hint at?

In all honesty though...

You were pretty.

Ah.

Pushing aside the thought, he made a sound of mild appraisal as he distracts himself with his glass of water. His cheeks flushing in mild embarrassment.

As much as he’d hate to admit it, his grandmother was sharp and sly, she loved teasing when the moment warranted it.

She took every chance she got.

Especially after another day of work for Kita and school for Erina.

“Say Eri-chan, is (L/n)-sensei married?”

Kita choked on his water. Faking a cough to hide the mishap, before dabbing his mouth with a napkin.

“Nope!”

The look of knowing crosses his grandmother’s face, and he can only silently continue to eat his meal.

“Goodnight Eri-chan,” Kita smiles softly down at his daughter, stroking the back of his fingertips over her plump and rosy cheeks. Just like her’s. Those hazel irises that reflected her similar ones, glimmering with curiosity and mischief.

“I love you, Papa,” the young girl yawns in a sluggish manner, eyelids falling close and open as she struggles to stay awake.

Settling down beside her, he turns on his side to allow his daughter to curl against his body. Arms wrapping around her much smaller form securely.

“I love you too.”

He thought that maybe he was just attracted to you. You were a single and beautiful woman, that much was clear. That was just it though, right?

Right?

No.

He couldn’t.

He couldn’t dare to love another woman.

Yet, why did he feel so empty? Why was he looking at another woman the way he was?

He had no answer.

Why did he tend to watch as you corralled the children in a somewhat single-file line into the school building? What were these fleeting glances you both shared, a timid smile from your part, and a blush burning on his cheeks as he nods firmly to greet you silently.

Your smile was gentle. Tender and soft, just like her’s.

Crap..

This was fine.

Besides, Erina never expressed a curiosity for her absence of a mother. Why should she, when she had a mother figure like his granny?

It was fine like this. Kita didn’t need to date. He shouldn’t.

At least that was what he kept telling himself. Mother’s day had come and passed, Kita and Erina had spent the night making a mess out of the kitchen in an effort to make dinner and a cake for Yumie. He’d thought everything was fine.

“How was the mother’s day breakfast?” He asked her when he helped her set up their futon for the night.

Her smile was a little more somber this time around, unlike her usual bubbly and wild grin that lit up the world. This one felt sad and he wanted to know why.

“It was good!”

“Want to tell me about it? Why do you look so sad?”

Her gaze fell to her hands, just as her smile did.

“Well, we ate onigiri and sandwiches and desserts that (L/n)-sensei made for us!”

“But?” He pressed slightly.

The girl clasped her fingers over the bedding. Her head tilt downward, her dark hair falling over her head like a curtain that hid her sad expression from his gaze.

“Everyone else had their mamas...”

His smile never faltered, although the pain in his chest grew.

“You don’t like granny accompanying you?”

“No!” She exclaims abruptly, “I... the other boys and girls noticed that I had only brought granny... and I felt sad. Where’s Mama? How come I’m the only one without one?”

She never did have a reason to ask. Now that she does, he’s not sure how to answer. He doesn’t want to upset her with the truth, but lying to her was no good.

“She’s not with us anymore.”

He thought that answer would suffice. Erina looked dejected at the answer but slept on it.

Perhaps a day to the park, when she doesn’t have school and he’s got a day off from working away in the farm, will mend the pieces he’s broken from revealing half the truth of her mother’s whereabouts. She didn’t deserve that kind of pain at this age. It just didn’t help her desire for a mother figure, a real one that she would call Mama.

“Oh! Kita-san?”

His heart nearly skips a beat before increasing exponentially in rhythm.

You’re standing above him, Kita sitting on the bench while watching his daughter play with the neighborhood children, grocery bags hanging from your forearms. His eyes make a mistake to examine your figure as a whole.

No apron. Just casual clothing on your day off with no need to look nice for your students. Yet, he couldn’t help but admire your natural beauty. Simply effortless.

Erina immediately notices you and comes racing over, calling your name out brightly before greeting you with a tight hug around your hips. You smile warmly at the girl, greeting her politely as she rejoins the children again.

Kita is in awe. He’d imagined this scene millions of times. Erina running into open arms, two pairs of hazel eyes gazing at one another with affection, kisses pressed to the girl’s forehead with whispered praises of her cuteness.

“Mama!” he imagined her say it dozens of times. Not out of sadness that she was different from her classmates who had mothers, but out of love for the woman who had given birth to her.

“Kita-san?”

He blinks, eyes widening a fraction before he bows his head in your direction.

“Sorry, I was very deep in my thoughts.”

Taking a seat on the bench beside him, you laugh slightly, and he can’t help but adore the sound. It brings a fluffy feeling in his chest and he can’t remember the last time he’d felt such a way, or heard her laugh.

“You’re thinking a little too hard, don’tcha think?” You say with a soft chuckle following your teasing. He doesn’t answer, but you take this into stride and direct your attention to the adorable mini Kita playing on the monkey bars.

“Eri-chan, is so cute and lovable,” You say after a brief moment passes, “You’re a lucky father, Kita-san.”

His lips quirk and you can’t help but stare, his expression nostalgic and sad.

“I am, she reminds me a lot of my wife.”

“Her mother must be a kind and gentle woman.” You comment good-naturedly.

“She was.” He says with that same, fond expression.

“A lucky woman indeed,” You chuckle, slightly envious of the woman who captured his heart. “Pardon me if I’m intruding, but does your wife work often? Eri-chan looked a little sad after our mother’s day activities.”

“Oh. I...” he trails off.

He looks slightly uncomfortable, his smile falling and you feel like you had in fact crossed a line. He’s unsure how to put the words together, but you stop him with a hand held up.

“Don’t worry about it, I apologize for pressing too far.”

Blinking, he opens his mouth, but you grant him that gentle smile of yours. He hates that it reminds him so much of her. Everything about you felt serene and soothing to be around, that darned smile of yours made him feel weak and vulnerable. He always was around her.

“Not at all, but thank you.”

You cast him a sidelong glance before standing up, looping your wrists through the loops of the plastic bags.

“Well, I suppose I should be heading home now, it was nice seeing you both outside of school.”

He’s not sure what compels him to, but he stands abruptly. The action causes you to stop and wait for him to say something, and he’s not even sure why he reacted the way he did. Warmth spreads across his cheeks, the hue noticeable to your amusement.

“Um would you like some help with your groceries?”

The question shocks both you and himself. Your eyes widen a fraction before crinkling, accompanied by that beautiful smile.

“How gentlemanly of you Kita-san,” You chuckle, “I’m okay though, the sentiment is appreciated.”

He doesn’t argue, almost feeling embarrassed by his own rashness. Erina seems to notice that you’re preparing to leave and comes running over to hug you goodbye. His stomach is turning, chest twisting, but his expression keeps a small smile as you bid your farewells.

“Thinking about (L/n)-sensei?”

A few hours later and he still can’t seem to stop thinking about you. He stiffens as his grandmother chuckles wholeheartedly. Was it really written all over his face?

The elder takes a seat beside him on the engawa, Erina already tucked away into bed in their shared room. Her warm, chocolate eyes observe the dazed look that remains on her grand son’s expression.

“It’s been five years already Shin-chan.”

He glances at her, unsure of where she was getting at suddenly.

“It has,” He agrees wearily.

“You don’t think Eri-chan asks me all the time where her mama is?”

Oh.

His jaw clenches.

“Why don’t you move on and let her go already?”

An image of her and now, you, appears in his mind. He’s far too aware of his attraction towards you. It just...

“It doesn’t feel right.”

The elder snorts at his answer.

“And why does it not? Like you’re betraying Reina’s love? For moving forward in your life? You don’t even notice how much you’re suffering by living in the past.”

He doesn’t answer and her eyes soften, placing a gentle hand over his shoulder.

“At best, Eri-chan is your living reminder of yours and Reina’s love.”

A moment. Then a sigh.

“I want you to be happy Shin-chan.”

He bites the inside of his cheek, “That doesn’t exactly entail that I have to date again Granny.”

The woman snickers, “I never said anything about dating, Shin-chan.”

The man flushes.

“No. I— Well...”

“Just admit it, you stubborn grandson of mine,” The woman jabs lightly at his arm.

“I admit nothing,” He says with a hand raking slowly over his face to hide the darkening blush.

“Then why do you get so flustered around Eri-chan’s cute teacher?”

He stands abruptly, pressing his mouth firmly into a straight line as he takes a deep breath.

“I... I’m going to get some rest, don’t stay up too late granny.”

The elder watches as he retreats back to his room and chuckles.

“What a stubborn boy. How unlike you.”

He never realized how much Erina really wished to have a mother of her own. He never thought it’d get to the point of Erina throwing a tantrum at dinner, tears welling up in her large hazel eyes.

“I hate you Papa! I wish I had Mama!”

“Erina-chan!” Yumie starts, but the young girl stands and races out of the room. Sniffling, she throws the sliding doors open and disappears into the night.

“Stay here granny, I’ll go look for her,” Kita says as he gets up, “It’s my fault for never telling her the whole truth.”

Hurriedly, he slips on his shoes and leaves the house in a rush. He’s not even sure where she’d run to, but the fear is bubbling in his chest and reaching his throat. Sweat is falling in beads over his forehead. The anxiety is growing and growing like a flame, making his breath shortened.

He couldn’t lose Erina too.

Frustration and stress is starting to overwhelm him. Two emotions he’s never had to deal with until Erina’s birth.

To his relief, however, he passes by the park where you had sat with him while he watched Erina play. He spots your crouched form underneath the flickering lights of the park lamps. The breath stuck in his constricting throat finally relents as he hurries over.

“(L/n)-san!”

You look up with a flinch, eyes wide before relaxing at his appearance as you raise a finger to your lips. He nods as you turn slightly to reveal his daughter. The girl clutches close to your front, her cheeks still moist from crying minutes prior. Her breathing has calmed and she sleeps soundly in your arms.

“Thank you,” he whispers as you adjust your hold on her to carry her properly as you walk with Kita back to his home.

“Don’t mention it, I was luckily on my way to the local conbini when I saw her run into the park.”

You glance down at the girl, those same kind eyes, and that same motherly smile. They were the same.

The journey back to his home comes to an end and you attempt to pass the child onto her father, but she stirs from her sleep and complains. He wonders if she might’ve been a mama’s girl if she was here. The thought makes his chest tighten briefly. Although, it is quite endearing to see his daughter cling to you like so.

“Sensei has to go back home, be a good girl for your papa okay?” You say as she continues to make it difficult for you to leave. The two of you share a look before she finally relents and allows Yumie to take her, still refusing to face her father.

“Just let her cool down, she’ll come around,” You say when you catch his downhearted expression.

“I suppose...” He sighs before glancing at you, “Thank you again, I couldn’t have found her if it wasn’t for you.”

“It’s no problem Kita-san,” You chuckle, “Please, I don’t mind so don’t worry about thanking me.”

Scratching the back of his neck meekly, he decides to press his luck and offers to take you home.

“O-oh no, that would be too much of a hassle, you’re home already and all...” You wave your hands in front of you but he shakes his head.

“No, I’m the one offering, how could I let a woman walk home by herself at this time of night too?”

You pout to his surprise, the expression way too cute for his heart.

“You’re a rather sly man, Kita-san.”

You finally allow him to walk you home, falling into stride alongside one another. The pace is neither too slow or hurried. One question leads to a passionate talk, on your part, about teaching children and how you adore them. There’s an unfamiliar glint in your eyes, a falter in your expression that he notices as you talk, but he chooses not to interrupt.

In turn, he talks about volleyball, but any story that had to do with high school always led back to her.

“I met my wife in high school,” He admitted meekly, gauging your expression briefly for any signs of discomfort or whatnot, but you smile at him encouragingly. “I was actually a first year when I met her, she had been a second year. She wasn’t the manager for the team or anything romantic like that, really... In fact, she was part of the home economics club.

“She loved cooking. We didn’t start dating until the year after, but she would make me bento boxes every day. It wasn’t until half a year into our relationship did I learn about her weak immune system. She constantly fell ill, and even missed much of third year that she had to be held back.

“Even then... she still managed to watch my games, although she was never able to come watch us when we went to nationals.”

You listen intently to his stories of his wife, adoring the way his face brightens at times and turns somber the next, his expression a whirlwind of nostalgia. He really loves his wife, and you feel a little jealous and guilty for feeling the way you do. It doesn’t even hit you that you’ve reached your apartment until he stops and motions to your door.

“O-oh, sorry, I... would you like to come in for some tea? As thanks for walking me home of course!” You stammer as he chuckles heartily at your fluster.

“If I’m not intruding.”

Your heart is pounding in your ears, your cheeks burning as you prep the kettle on the stove and search for two mugs. It doesn’t even feel real that he’s in your home, but he’s there when you look over your shoulder to see him seated on the floor cushion at the low table.

When the tea is ready, you settle down adjacent to him. He receives the mug gratefully, sniffing the hot liquid with an exhale of bliss at the calming aroma.

“Your wife sounds like an amazing woman,” You say after you take a sip from your own mug.

“She was,” he says cryptically, and before you question it, he beats you to the punch, “How about you? Do you have a lucky man in your life?”

You laugh. Gazing down at your ring finger dreamily.

“I did. Before at least.”

He felt a twist in his chest. Was it because you looked so sad and lonely, or the fact that there was once a man in your life.

Why should the latter even matter to him?

“Puppy love, straight out of high school. He was any girl’s dream. Intelligent and handsome. We were engaged a little ways through my studies to be an elementary teacher.” The look on your face is one of bliss, remembering your younger days, “We always talked of having a family together, we would move into a nice house with a cute pup and surrounded by our children.

“At least until I found out, I was infertile. I’d gotten pregnant finally and the baby never made it. It was a deal breaker for our relationship, he’d ended up cheating on me and lashing out on me for being the way I am.

“I spent a very long time mourning for the loss of my child and my relationship. I’d lost everything and blamed it on myself for being like this.

“I guess after a while, I was teaching and looking after these children as if they were my own, and it had healed me in its own way. I guess I finally accepted where I was, who I was. It still hurts even now, wanting nothing more than my own family, my own child, but teaching them like this makes me happy nonetheless. A lot of my old students often come visit from time to time, it makes me very happy.

“I guess even now... I don’t try to look for a partner out of fear that I won’t be enough due to my condition.”

Your eyes gloss over and he wants to reach over and wipe your tears away, but he keeps himself seated as you smile down at your left hand.

“That’s not true,” he says, “Any man would be lucky to love and be loved by you (L/n)-san.”

Your cheeks grow warm at the comforting words.

Maybe, just maybe, you thought, he could’ve been referring to himself as someone possibly capable of loving you.

“Truthfully... my wife isn’t around because she passed away. The birth had taken a toll on her weak body,” he reveals finally, eyes downcast at the liquid in his mug.

The birth of their daughter had been one of the most happiest and yet saddest moments of his life. It left him a widow and a single parent.

“I’m so sorry...” You begin but he shakes his head.

“No don’t be...”

“...So does Erina-chan...?”

“I never told her to the whole truth... I didn’t want to make her sad, but she’s constantly asking for her mother and wondering why she is different from the rest of her classmates who do. I only ever explain that mama’s not with us anymore... but I was too afraid to face the truth myself. I see much of Reina in my daughter and I’m so afraid losing her and letting go of her. I don’t want to let go of her hand too.”

He remembered that day like it was yesterday. They had been expecting the arrival of their daughter with excitement. His wife’s immune system had always been poor and he knew that very well. He just never expected the amount of strain child birth had put on her until her hand that was once holding his very firmly, let go.

“I can’t let her go, Reina... Moving on would be leaving her in the past and betraying her love.”

He bites his lip. His emotions were starting to flare at the thought of losing Erina and remembering the loss of his wife. Moving on felt too selfish. He didn’t deserve that. Moving on would be a luxury and almost felt wrong. Like he was choosing to forget Reina.

“Someone as important as Reina-san is very hard to forget, and shouldn’t be forgotten at all,” You start, choosing your words carefully while glancing at his expression every so often, in case you step on a sore spot, “In fact, it is her love that keeps you going, it is her legacy that lives within both yours and Erina-chan’s hearts. Erina-chan is the living proof of both of your love. A beautiful daughter, indeed. She must be very happy watching over you both. And I’m sure she wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over this, she’d want you to be happy Kita-san. What’s holding you back?”

“I’m afraid.”

Admittedly, Kita Shinsuke is very afraid.

You empathize with him, seeing a little bit of yourself, when you were at your lowest, in the way he slumps in his seat and glares down at his tea to keep his emotions in check.

“It’s okay to be afraid. It’s natural for us human beings. You just don’t need to rush yourself, Kita-san. Don’t let yourself bottle those kind of feelings. Acknowledge them and respect those emotions, or else you’d be ignoring the feelings that Reina-san has given you. Take all the time you need to make peace with yourself and live on for her.”

Your words are heartfelt and he appreciates it very much.

“Thank you and I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, but I think you owe Erina-chan an apology.”

He still lingers though, despite preparing to leave to head back home.

You still smile, although sadly this time. “Actually, Kita-san... I know this is sudden... but I need to get this off of my chest... I quite like you, romantically to be more precise.”

His eyes widen. The breath catching in his throat, almost as if he suddenly forgot how to breathe.

You scratch the back of your neck meekly, looking anywhere but at him, “To be honest with you, I was under the impression that you were a single father but under different circumstances...

“I was prepared to face the fact that you still loved your wife whether it be separation through divorce but never had I considered her passing; I apologize for my rudeness and over-zealousness.

“I guess what I’m trying to say, in simpler terms, is that I kind of like you Kita-san, and I.. trust me when I say that I never hoped to ever replace Reina-san’s place in your heart, because she is a very special person to both you and Erina-chan... but I cannot just overlook the way I can’t stop thinking about the charming man that comes every morning to see his, just as beautiful, daughter off to school.”

His heart skips a beat, stomach fluttering. Then it twists and he has to bite his lip. You’re looking up at him with tenderness, neither expecting him to share or reject your feelings. You look up at him with those similar eyes that hold so much kindness and patience for him. You don’t expect anything from him, if not a rejection. You had prepared yourself for it when you had realized you were starting to stare far too long at the man when he came in the mornings.

Your fellow teachers teased you for your crush, asking what you’d do if he was married. He never did have a ring on his finger so you did have some sort of hope. Perhaps you were just a little too ambitious.

He finally takes a shaky breath, unsure what to say anymore. He didn’t want to hurt you or your feelings. The conflict was evident in the swirl of emotions in his chestnut hues. Brows knitted together and teeth worrying into the plush of his bottom lip.

If it were your place, you would have kissed him and told him it was okay, there was nothing to worry over. It, however, was not your place to.

“I’m sorry... I...” He starts, unsure how to answer, but you stop him.

“I know. I didn’t tell you this to force you into anything or rush you into moving on, maybe it was just me after all, falling for you without so much as a date or a proper talk like we just had.”

“(L/n)-san...”

You shake your head, placing your hand over his mouth to quiet him. At the realization of your bold action, you retract your hand with a timid smile. Looking at him finally from under your lashes.

“You should go see your daughter Kita-san.”

How was it, that you were still able to look at him like that? Like he deserved your affections?

He leaves reluctantly. There was no arguing that, not when he’d in-explicitly rejected your feelings, but even so, his chest ached for you.

The walk back is long. He’s drowning in his own thoughts and worries, regretting his own indecisiveness and fears. This was not like him, where was the confident captain of the strong Inarizaki volleyball club?

Atsumu would definitely think the world was ending if he saw him distraught like this. One time was enough, the setter being present along with Aran at the birth of his daughter and the death of his wife.

He slips off his shoes in the foyer, greeting his grandmother who waits for him outside of his bedroom. The elder casts him a meaningful smile before opening the door for him, and closing it once he’s inside.

The miniature lump under the covers is enough to tell him of his daughter’s whereabouts. She’s wide awake as she immediately turns her back to him upon noticing his presence.

Settling into bed, he releases a soft breath.

“I’m sorry Eri-chan. Papa made you mad. Please forgive me.”

His arms reach out carefully, slipping around her middle to pull her close cradle her smaller body close to him. The hold is firm and unyielding despite her silence, afraid that she’ll let go just like Reina.

“Mama... she... she’s an angel now. She watches over us, you, me, and even granny. I’m sorry for keeping this from you.”

A moment passes before he feels her body tremble, sniffles that turn into quiet sobs. The girl turns over to clutch her father close.

“I love you Papa, no matter what!”

“I love you too,” He replies with a soft smile, relief and adoration swimming in his eyes.

Like this, they fall asleep, tired from the events of the day.

It’s the weekend the next morning and he allows the girl to sleep a little longer as he slips out of the room. Dawn has just barely broken through the night and he stretches his limbs before taking a seat on the engawa in a daze. He can’t stop thinking about you. He never could.

It had unsettled him however, that he might’ve been deluding himself into thinking he liked you. There was always the possibility that he only was attracted to you for your similarities with his wife. He didn’t want to take advantage of your feelings because of that. It wasn’t fair to you.

“Ahhh I messed up,” he mutters exasperatedly

“Messed up? I never thought I’d see the day you say such a thing, Shin-chan. You finally made up with Eri-chan though, what’s troubling you so?” Yumie asks as she takes a seat beside him.

“(L/n)-san confessed to me.”

The woman continues to watch the sun rise without waver. She must’ve expected it after all.

“And? What are you planning on doing? Does it still feel wrong? Is it something you don’t want? Shin-chan, you just need to choose what’s best for you. Both Eri-chan and I want you to be happy. Trust yourself as you always do. Where is that unwavering confidence I always saw in you back in your volleyball days?”

His eyes glimmer.

“Granny...”

“What is it that you want?” She asks again, “Why not be selfish just this once, you deserve happiness, Shin-chan.”

His grandmother’s right, and he knows it. The same thoughts continue to boggle his conscience even as a few days pass and he continues to walk Erina to school. You both steal glances at one another, but he’s still unsure of what to do.

“How’s my cute 'lil God-daughter?” Atsumu asks heartily when he comes home for the week, inviting Kita for lunch at Onigiri Miya.

“Our God-daughter,” Osamu corrects as he sets down a platter of their favorites. He smiles at their ex-captain, gesturing towards the onigiri with his hand, “Made fresh only from the best rice around of course.”

Kita chuckles and nods his head in thanks. Truthfully, there had been a whole entire chaos when word had broke out among his old volleyball club members that he was having a daughter. The boys were ecstatic about being uncles to Erina and made a whole fuss about who was to be her God-fathers. In the end, Aran and the twins had been chosen.

“No need to be salty when yer clearly not the cool uncle,” Atsumu sticks his tongue out at his brother.

“I’m sorry? Who almost broke ‘er arm when...” Osamu trails off immediately, sweat dropping down his temple at Kita’s tight-lipped smile.

“When what?”

“Nothing!” The blonde interjects with a shaky laugh, “How’ve ya been Kita-san? How’s Eri-chan and Yumie-san?”

He’d almost forgotten about his whole dilemma until then, his expression faltering as he glances down at the onigiri in his hands.

“It’s been... okay... I guess.”

The two blink at him in unison.

“You guess? Who are ya, and what have ya done with Kita-san?”

The elder shoots them a hardened look, unamused by the question.

“What’s botherin’ ya? It’s not everyday we see ya this unsure,” Osamu asks thoughtfully, remembering the days of their ever robotic captain. Robust and always confident, they had never thought they’d ever see their ex-captain downtrodden like this. At least not since Reina.

Just like in high school, when he surprised the team in a sudden spurt of emotion and teared up at being offered the title of captain, they were still never used to the sudden burst of emotions he was capable of at the birth of his daughter and the passing of his wife. The same shock remains as he lets his sadness cross over expression.

He finally relents under their pressing stares, explaining the situation revolving his attraction towards Erina’s teacher... and well, your reciprocated affections. He expressed his fears, his feelings, anything and everything that held him back.

“Is she pretty?” Atsumu grins, raising his eyebrows suggestively before yelping when Osamu smacks him upside his head.

Kita casts him a blank look, biting his lip to hold back the fond smile that crosses his expression.

“She’s very pretty.”

Osamu elbows his brother before he can open his mouth. “Kita-san, from what you said just now, she sounds like a very kind woman and honestly I believe you deserve happiness. You’re not at fault for anything, you’ve done nothing wrong, but you need to trust yourself, trust (L/n)-san, and decide what it is you want.

“I can see where you’re coming from, comparing (L/n)-san to Reina, but you need to look at her as her own person. She also deserves that much.”

The older twin nods in agreement, “It’s not everyday I get to give you advice Kita-san, but I agree with Yumie-san, you should let yourself be selfish just this once.”

“You both deserve a second chance at love.”

It’s a lazy night after finishing all of your grading for the weekend. You order takeout instead of cooking and cozy up in your sleeping clothes with a blanket and plush pillow. Perhaps a romance movie to quell the ache of your rejection.

You were just about ready to watch your selected flick when the doorbell rang. Blinking, you hadn’t expected company, other than the delivery man at least. With not much effort put into your appearance, you shrug at your unkempt hair and lack of professional clothing and answer the door.

“Hey.”

Your eyes nearly bulge out of your sockets. Kita stands tall and confident at your apartment door step, and yet there was something timid about the way his eyes glanced down at you shyly, his fingers clasped at his sides.

“Hi,” You reply immediately before feeling the heat creep up your neck. To your horror, his eyes glance down your sleeping attire and you hold out your hand to stop him. “S-sorry, I apologize for coming out looking like this... I wasn’t necessarily expecting visitors at this time.”

He blinks once, then twice, before chuckling softly. The sound is warm and fluffy, making your heart flutter effortlessly. It almost hurts knowing he didn’t reciprocate your feelings.

“No, I should apologize for showing up unannounced... but I never did quite get your number.”

Huh?

Your jaw nearly hits the floor.

“Kita-san... are you...”

“Asking for your number? Yes. I am.” He says firmly and confidently, eyes sparkling as he gazes at you with that beautiful and charming smile of his, “Maybe a date to go with it as well?”

“But... I thought... you rejected me...?”

He shook his head, “I never said I didn’t like you back, (L/n)-san. To be quite honest with you, I think you look very adorable like this.” Your fluster is a treat to his eyes as he reaches forward to take your hand in his. It’s warm and soft, and yet strong and calloused from working in the fields. “Thank you for opening my eyes. I thought about it and my own feelings and I want to stop running away and being afraid of the present and accepting my past.”

“If it’s okay with you. I’d really like to try this.”

You look genuinely surprised and touched by his sincere words, his eyes full of determination and adoration as they bore into yours.

“And by this you mean...”

The sly quirk of your glossy lips is tell-tale of your knowing of his intentions, but you like to tease him nonetheless.

He might never stop seeing her in his everyday life, but he’d come to the acceptance that you were two individual women and he would continue to love and be grateful to his late wife, but he decided he would move forward for his daughter’s sake.

There was no stopping the way he was falling hard for you. He adored you for who you were and that was what mattered.

“Please grant me the honor of going on a date with you.”

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #kita shinsuke x reader #kita x reader #kita imagines #kita x you #kita x y/n #kita scenarios #kita shinsuke scenario

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wordsablaze · 3 years

Text

13/13 - goat string of fate

A Dozen Denials Soulmate-identifiers exist to make things easier unless you’re Jaskier, who’s equally as deep in love as he is in denial. But there’s only so many excuses you can make to avoid the truth… (aka jaskier’s soulmate is definitely a witcher, just not the one he first assumes)

A/N: what we've all been waiting for... undeniable red string of fate, but with goats for eskel's sake ;) @alllthequeenshorses @eskel-loves-lilbleater

previous chapter

“If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands!”

Jaskier’s heart breaks.

He knows that Geralt isn’t lying because the words don’t show up on his skin and he knows that Geralt isn’t just saying that for the sake of it because his pulse is as steady as ever under his wrist and he knows that Geralt isn’t thinking with a clouded mind because he can’t feel any intense emotions at the back of his mind.

The only logical conclusion to make is that Geralt really means it.

“See you round,” he says, even though he’s not sure he will.

It’s nowhere near the first time he’s had his heart broken but somehow this time hurts so much more than every other time, probably something to do with the fact that he’s leaving his very soulmate behind as he walks away with blurred vision and wobbly steps.

He doesn’t walk very far, though; he just can’t bring himself to.

There is a building on fire.

And there is a witcher trying to help.

Nobody asked him to help and yet he runs into the building because he can hear the panicked heartbeats of four humans inside.

He hands over a frightened child to their mother and runs back in.

He hands over a man to his grateful sister and runs back in.

He hands over a crying girl to her father and runs back in.

There’s one more racing heartbeat inside the building but he can’t find it, it doesn’t belong to anyone he can see, and even though he tries his best because he can’t let anyone die - he just can’t - he has no choice but to leave when the roof caves in and smoke fills the air.

It’s only once he can breathe again that he realises the heartbeat has followed him out.

The last person wasn’t in the fire after all; they’re under his skin.

Jaskier doesn’t get the rest of the story from the others in the end.

He wants to - he’s a bard so of course he wants to - but he knows that his own story having just found such a bitter end means that he won’t do the dragon hunt any justice so he leaves its tale to the dwarves.

He’s tired and he kind of wants to cry and he doesn’t know which way he’s meant to go so he doesn’t even try to subtly follow the others back down the mountain. Instead, he walks and walks and walks and hopes he doesn’t fall to his death.

And he doesn’t. But he does stumble over nothing in particular and end up rolling over himself until he hits a tree, gasping for breath and curling around his lute because he doesn’t have any other source of comfort.

The last thought he manages before he drifts off - read: passes out - is that he’s incredibly glad his lute hasn't broken the same way his heart has.

There is a funeral.

And there is a witcher trying to mourn.

But there is something giddy in the back of his throat and something bright behind his eyes and something exciting at his fingertips and he cannot focus his emotions.

There is a fight.

And there is a witcher trying to concentrate.

But there is a puzzle in his lungs and a question on the tip of his tongue and a mystery in his every bone and he cannot tell if he knows what move to make next.

There is a festival.

And there is a witcher watching quietly.

But there is a heavy grief in his stomach and a heavy doubt inside his mind and a heavy pain within his blood and he has no idea why his body is telling him to be upset.

Jaskier wakes to the taste of oranges.

For some reason, it just makes him want to cry.

“We are not dying on some godsforsaken mountain,” Jaskier mutters to his lute but also to himself because if he is to die, it will not be at the hands of heartbreak.

A lot easier said than done, though, because he ends up lost. Horribly lost. So lost that he wonders if someone had moved him while he was sleeping because there’s no way he could end up so clueless when he’d been pretty close to their original path the day before.

And he’s not unfit but he must have bruised himself more than he can tell while tumbling because he doesn’t get further than the duration of half a dozen ballads before both his muscles and his lungs force him to stop and rest in danger of retiring altogether.

Still, he keeps going. He can’t find anything edible but he hangs onto the taste of oranges from his stolen dream as he pushes forwards, begrudgingly thanking Destiny for giving him at least that from his soulmate.

There is a town with a contract.

And there is a witcher who almost regrets accepting it.

The monster is easy enough to defeat, nothing that takes more than a day. No, the monster isn’t the reason he chooses to disappear for almost a month afterwards - that would be the mirror.

Or more specifically, what he sees in the mirror: one of his eyes is the wrong colour.

He thinks he’s delirious at first but one potion and two hours’ worth of meditating later, his eyes are still inexplicably mismatched.

His left eye is the colour of the sky. The colour of the ocean. The colour of a privilege that he was never allowed to have. And he’s read just about enough poetry to know how that means he has a soulmate out there somewhere.

All that does is drown him in a blue hue of guilt.

Jaskier has just started playing his third song on the lute when something crashes into his legs.

He yelps, springing to his feet and almost tripping over whatever it is that’d crashed into him, which turns out to be a goat. A goat, of all things.

“Right, well, if you could not do that whole attacking thing again, that’d be great. You have rather pointy horns,” Jaskier huffs, settling on the rock once again.

To its credit, the goat seems to listen, munching on grass instead of stepping on his toes as Jaskier starts playing again. Confused but not entirely against the company, he continues singing about whatever comes to mind until the sky begins to darken and the air turns cold.

He sighs, putting the lute away and gently reaching out to stroke the goat, smiling when it doesn’t just headbutt him and bleats happily before settling in his lap. “At least you seem to want to stick around,” he mumbles.

Too tired to find anywhere more sheltered, Jaskier pulls his doublet tighter around himself and hugs his new best friend as tightly as he dares. For a moment, the goat lifts its head and stares at him and he fears he’s about to have his eye poked out, but then it just burps and settles again.

This time, he falls asleep laughing.

There is a hearth.

And there is a witcher sat beside three other witchers.

And despite the warmth of the fire and the warmth of his family, he is cold.

He is colder than he ever is, colder than when he is submerged underwater during a fight or when he is caught unawares in a storm or when he is kicked out of a tavern because he brings down the mood.

There is no explanation for why he is cold because he is home and he is safe and he should be warm but for some reason, he is not.

He is rarely warm.

And if he is warm, he doesn’t understand why.

There is no explanation for why he is warm when passing ruins he’s never seen before or when camping in the middle of nowhere just to be away from people or when being told the last copy of the book he’d been looking for was just sold to someone else.

Eventually, he gets used to the confusion, pulls on a cloak, and moves on.

Jaskier is probably losing a few of his marbles.

With nothing better to do, he follows the goat as it travels along a seemingly random path to find nothing in particular, stopping every so often to munch on something or the other.

“I can’t believe I’m following a goat,” he mutters to himself as he brushes grass off his arms, “and it’s not even a cute little baby- what’s a baby goat called? Hmm, I should really know that… Or should I? It’s not like I’ve met any farmers lately. Or anyone, for who am I meant to meet atop a mountain? Well, a goat, apparently.”

Said goat bleats at him as if asking him to hurry up.

“Yes yes, I’m hurrying. Some of us don’t eat grass, you know? Oh, but how would you know when all you can think about is the next patch of moss you’re going to eat? Is that what life is to be, travelling from patch to patch and-? Hey, that could be a wonderful name. I dub thee Patchy, my dearest goat friend,” Jaskier declares, grinning.

Patchy bleats again and headbutts his shin but it’s okay because it doesn’t hurt in the slightest and he only wobbles a little bit.

“I’m taking that as your approval!”

There is a woman.

And there is a witcher lying in bed next to her.

They are both tired and not quite awake and she is gently running her nails along his arms because she has never seen anyone with so many scars.

He is waiting for her to fall asleep but she sits up and frowns, pointing out the words that have appeared on his skin: but I didn’t take any honey.

She must be able to tell he’s just as confused as she is because she gives him a funny look but doesn’t pry, though he leaves in the dead of night while she’s still asleep to avoid any chances of her asking questions.

But the words keep appearing and he ends up with plenty of his own questions anyway.

When he’s mending his armour: it doesn’t even hurt anymore; when he’s hunting: I love you more than I love getting drunk; when he’s brushing his horse: I assure you I have a perfectly good explanation; when he’s buying new gloves: I’m afraid I don’t know you; when he’s stitching up a wound: of course I was given permission to be here.

And on and on and on.

He wonders if this person is even human at times because they seem to lie more in a week than he even talks in a month.

Jaskier is exhausted.

“Hey, Patchy, it’s been lovely to know you but I think the time has come to part ways because I simply cannot take another step,” he mutters, leaning against the closest tree and sliding to the floor.

Patchy leaps into his lap with an oddly angry bleat.

Jaskier shrugs, ripping up a bit of grass and letting her eat it off his hand before sighing. “I fear it is indeed my fate to perish here. Perhaps life does grant blessings after all, hmm?”

His stomach rumbles and Patchy seems to take offence, startling and jerking sideways, the goat’s horns catching on his sleeve and causing a panic that leads to a large tear in his doublet and a mercifully smaller tear in his skin.

Still, he winces, pressing a hand onto the cut and half-heartedly glaring at Patchy. “Really? You’re lucky the material is red anyway, you menace.”

He regrets his words when the goat stands, spins on the spot, and makes a strange noise before sprinting away. Somehow, that abrupt departure stings far more than his actual injury.

There is an ocean.

And there is a witcher who has never been to the coast for a good reason, and still hasn’t.

He doesn’t belong in this scene, he’s borrowing it from someone else without even knowing how, but he can’t look away from the waves as they brush over the sand and over his toes before retreating once more.

There is a cane.

And there is a witcher who has never suffered this kind of punishment, and still hasn’t.

Although the injuries are not his and the crime - if it even exists - has nothing to do with him, he can’t escape the burning pain and the sharp throbbing as someone makes sure the wood meets its mark, again and again.

There is a cat.

And there is a witcher who has never been able to see one up close, and still hasn’t.

He’s not the one touching the tiny ball of fluff that curls up in his palms, he seems to be experiencing someone else’s amazement, but the feeling of soft fur and quiet purring stays with him for no less than a week.

Jaskier is ready to give up.

He truly has no idea where he is or how he’s meant to get back to flat land. The berries he’d found in the morning have done very little to provide him with energy and he’s about to declare himself as food for the wolves or something when he hears bleating.

“Patchy!”

And it is.

The goat barrels into him hard enough to knock him over but he’s too busy trying to hug his horned friend to care. He’s also too busy hugging his horned friend to notice that he’s being watched. That is, until someone clears their throat.

He freezes, looking up.

There’s a very long moment in which his heart drops about a mile into his stomach as he catches sight of a wolf medallion but then he sees the amber eyes and the spiked armour and the hesitant smile and his lungs remember how to work once again.

“You have no idea how happy I am to see you,” Jaskier says, grinning.

The witcher frowns at that, glancing over him in clear concern. Before he can reply, Jaskier looks away to tug his sleeve out of Patchy’s mouth and winces as he pulls on the not quite scab that had developed over the goat-inflicted wound.

“Oh, is he yours?” the witcher asks after a minute, and gods is his voice deep enough to sink into forever.

Jaskier blinks, pulling himself back to the matter at hand before he spirals into a daydream and shaking his head. “I didn’t even know he was a he, to be honest. Thank you for that, by the way, at least I can sing him a more accurate song of gratitude now.”

The witcher chuckles and steps to the side, revealing another, smaller goat that immediately bounds over and settles on his leg; Jaskier has never been so innocently afraid to accidentally move in his life.

“She’s called Lil Bleater,” the witcher says, promptly cursing when said goat starts nibbling on the sleeve Jaskier had just saved from being eaten by Patchy.

“It’s not like I was planning on wearing this doublet again anyway,” Jaskier says, but he still feels incredibly guilty for letting such fine tailoring end up as food for a pair of goats.

Eskel has never been so confused.

He feels like he recognises this stranger from somewhere but he can’t place it, the knowledge is almost like smoke slipping between his fingers before he can grasp it properly.

“It looks like it’s seen better days anyway,” he says, immediately regretting it when the other man blinks at him.

But then he laughs - perhaps the nicest laugh Eskel has ever had the pleasure of hearing - and holds out a hand, amusement sparkling in his eyes. Eskel leans forwards to shake his hand but Lil Bleater chooses that moment to get up and charge at him so he steps back and picks her up instead, offering the man an apologetic look.

“Not to worry, my hand will live a little longer without the honour of yours in it. I’m Jaskier, and you have my eternal gratitude for appearing out of nowhere when I was about a day away from forgetting what other people’s voices sound like,” the man says sincerely.

“Jaskier?” Eskel echoes.

He knows Geralt has mentioned this bard in the past and he’d have to be living under a rock not to know of him at all, what with the songs that are sung his way whenever he ventures into more populated towns, but he can’t fathom why someone so famous would be spending his time with a mountain goat.

Jaskier grins up at him. “Ah, so you’ve heard of me! I wish I could say the same but I don’t believe we’ve met before?”

Eskel shakes his head. “I, uh, I don’t do… crowds.”

“You and every other witcher, it seems,” Jaskier says, but he doesn’t sound like he’s trying to insult anyone. If anything, he seems almost sad.

“The crowds seem more like your style, bardling. What are you doing up here?”

The bard opens his mouth to say something before closing it again, then sighs. “I got lost and ended up following a goat until I got even more lost?”

Eskel chuckles, then puts Lil Bleater back on the ground before leaning down and offering Jaskier his hand because it feels odd to continue the conversation while he’s still sitting down. This time, the goats don’t get in the way and he manages to pull them both upright.

Jaskier gets about five seconds of being upright before he keels over.

Everything hurts.

The world blurs around him.

His knees hit the floor with a dull thud.

Everything really hurts.

There’s something under his skin.

His body is on fire.

Everything hurts so very much and he has no idea what’s happening and the sky has disappeared altogether and there’s water rushing past his ears and he’s in so much pain and he’s going to die without even having learnt this gorgeous witcher’s name and he can’t feel his hands at all and it’s way too dark and-

“Breathe, Jaskier!”

He already is.

Or maybe he’s not.

He unclenches his jaw and gasps desperately.

“That’s it, just breathe, you’re okay.”

But he’s not.

Or maybe he will be.

He groans and reluctantly peels open his eyes.

“I’ve got you,” the witcher murmurs, and he has; his arms are practically cradled around Jaskier and the two of them are kneeling in a tangle of limbs on the ground.

Jaskier exhales.

“You’re not going to die, I promise. And my name’s Eskel,” the witcher whispers, at which point Jaskier mortifyingly realises he must have been panicking out loud.

Slowly, Jaskier uncurls his limbs.

He stretches his fingers out from where they’d been squeezed into fists and waits for a moment before accepting that whatever the blinding pain had been is over before looking up, intending to thank Eskel.

But Eskel gasps before he can say anything.

And Jaskier immediately panics again, wondering what could possibly be wrong. He doesn’t need to ask though, because Eskel lifts a hand to ever so lightly tracing his finger down the right side of Jaskier’s face and it doesn’t take a genius to work out what he can see.

“No no no no no,” Jaskier breathes frantically, “this cannot be happening.”

He pulls himself out of Eskel’s arms and shakes his head but his gaze lands on his hands as he uses them to balance and his breath hitches. Without wasting a second, he shrugs off his doublet and rolls his sleeves up, eyes widening at the sight of silvery scars he’s never earned, silvery scars he’d once had and once lost.

“No, I- I already know my- Geralt was- is- no, no, no no no no, wait. Wait. This can’t be right, it can’t- it- you can’t- I mean, we can’t be- nope, no no...” Jaskier’s words can’t seem to form themselves properly as he struggles to breathe.

Eskel has no idea what’s happening.

Except he does.

There’s only really one explanation for why the marks that had suddenly revealed themselves on Jaskier’s skin are an exact copy of his own scars, there’s only really one explanation for why the colour of Jaskier’s eyes had seemed so familiar, and there’s only really explanation for why he feels like someone has cast igni inside his heart.

Unfortunately, Jaskier doesn’t seem to like that one explanation.

He waits, though. He waits until Jaskier remembers how to inhale and exhale properly before offering the bard a small smile. “I’m sorry.”

Surprisingly, Jaskier looks confused at that. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, “I don’t blame you for preferring, uh, Geralt. Or anyone else, for that matter. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with me either.”

Even more surprisingly, Jaskier shuffles closer and punches his arm with a surprising amount of strength, his confusion having been entirely replaced by anger. “I don’t know what in Melitele’s name you think you mean by that but I demand that you stop… thinking it. I’m not- I- I just thought- I’ve spent years, so many years, thinking that I knew and I- I don’t know… I can’t-”

He cuts himself off, his chin wobbling, and Eskel has the inexplicable urge to hug him.

So he does.

Jaskier stiffens for half a second before he seems to forget that he has bones and all but melts into the embrace, burying his head into the crook of Eskel’s neck and throwing his arms around him as if his life depends on it.

Eskel has never felt so pleasantly warm in his life.

He wraps his arms around Jaskier in return and pulls him close, pretending that he can’t hear the sobs the bard is trying so hard to stifle and marvelling at the fact that he gets to hold his soulmate in his arms at all.

His soulmate.

He’d never thought he’d actually get to meet them.

“I’m sorry,” Jaskier mumbles eventually.

Eskel pulls back only enough to frown, brushing the tears away from under Jaskier’s eyes before tilting his head to the left. “You have nothing to apologise for.”

Jaskier feels like a fool.

He leans into Eskel’s soft touch for a moment before cupping the witcher’s face in his hands. “I’m sorry I never looked for you. I’m sorry I didn’t realise I was wrong. I’m sorry I almost just insulted you. I’m sorry for wasting so much time. I’m just so, so sorry.”

Eskel shrugs. “You didn’t know and I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault. I… I knew and I didn’t try so perhaps I ought to be the one apologising to you.”

But Jaskier did know.

To some extent, at least.

He’s known for long enough that not everything was adding up and he’d ignored it, he’d done nothing about it because he’d been terrified of losing Geralt, of losing his soulmate, of losing a life he’s loved, and it turns out he’s been losing everything he didn’t even know he could have had instead.

“I’m sorry,” Jaskier mumbles again, letting his forehead fall against Eskel’s as he closes his eyes.

“How does getting to the nearest inn sound?” Eskel offers.

Jaskier laughs and meets Eskel’s eyes, nodding. “Sounds like a plan I can’t argue with.”

“We’ll start with getting you to a proper bed and then go from there.”

He tries to resist that, he really does, but Jaskier simply cannot stop himself from smirking and raising an eyebrow. “Straight to bed, darling? Aren’t you even going to buy me a drink first?”

The endearingly sheepish look on Eskel’s face is almost worth all the pain.

“Though you really should buy me a drink first, for one reason or the other; I am a little dizzy still,” Jaskier mutters, having forgotten all about that because of the unprecedented pain.

Eskel curses.

Before Jaskier can even process the emotional whiplash, Eskel has lifted him to his feet and turned around, dropping to one knee. “Let’s go.”

Jaskier blinks. “Are you asking me to… climb on your back?”

Eskel turns to look at him with half a smile. “I really don’t think you’re capable of walking more than a mile more without collapsing, Jaskier.”

Well, that’s probably true. He grabs his lute and swings that onto his own back before looping his arms around Eskel’s neck, his legs locking around the witcher’s waist as he stands up effortlessly.

Eskel smiles as Jaskier settles on his back as if he were born to do so.

Which, quite possibly, he sort of was.

He smells like the comfort Eskel gets from when the dreams he borrows are good ones and it feels impossible that he gets to experience it in person. But it’s very much not impossible because Jaskier is a steady weight around his waist and on his shoulder and against his neck.

It’s a little overwhelming.

“So you’re the one who was dreaming of a succubus then?” Jaskier asks out of the blue.

Eskel stops walking for a second, narrowly avoids accidentally kicking Lil Bleater, and clears his throat. “Dreaming? No. No, that’s not quite how we spent the night.”

There’s a moment of silence before Jaskier laughs brightly. Eskel can feel the way his shoulders shake with the force of his amusement and it’s almost a miracle that neither of them overbalance.

“You’ll have to elaborate on that at some point, it’s going to make a great song!”

“You want to write songs about the succubi I’ve met?” Eskel asks, confused. Surely the bard could have asked Geralt about them over the years, it’s not like witchers can afford to designate who takes care of which creatures or anything.

But Jaskier snorts, pokes Eskel’s cheek, and shakes his head. “No, I- I want to write songs about… about my soulmate.”

That feels like a confession and Eskel is honoured to have received it. He hums in acknowledgement and gently squeezes one of Jaskier’s legs. “Not to worry, we have all the time in the world.”

“We do?” Jaskier asks.

Shuffling the bard’s weight a little bit, Eskel lifts his right hand so Jaskier can see his wrist and more specifically, the ouroboros etched into it. He hears Jaskier gasp before there are gentle fingers around his arm that almost make him shiver, a warm finger tracing the symbol over and over until Eskel hears quiet sniffling.

It takes a while for Jaskier to exhale softly and give Eskel’s hand back to him, after which he goes back to supporting his weight more evenly. He has plenty of his own questions but he figures it’s best to leave them for later, when they’ve both recovered from the shock.

The town comes into view sooner than expected, or perhaps Eskel had just been unknowingly pushing himself to walk faster because he can feel the way Jaskier’s grip has slowly relaxed to the point where he’s practically just draped over him like a very strange sort of cloak.

As much as he doesn’t want to let go of Jaskier, he has to when they get to the stables. Both goats are more than happy to be secured near Scorpion, who huffs at Jaskier just hard enough to send him stumbling into Eskel’s side with a small yelp.

“I’ve got you,” Eskel chuckles.

Jaskier grins.

“That you have,” he agrees, “but have you got a room?”

Nodding, Eskel leads them both back to the inn. But instead of going up the stairs, he guides Jaskier to the table in the corner. “Stay here, I’m going to get some food.”

Jaskier blinks, used to this scenario playing out the other way around. Eskel is gone before he can even think of replying so he just yawns and waits, shuffling over when the witcher returns because if he doesn’t lean against someone, he’s probably going to fall into his meal.

Eskel pauses for a second before sliding into the seat beside him, placing two bowls of stew in front of them. “I know you’re tired but you really should eat.”

“How ever will I repay such kindness?” Jaskier mumbles before following Eskel’s instructions.

Jaskier is immensely grateful that Eskel doesn’t mind being leaned on because almost counterintuitively, eating only makes him want to fall asleep even more. By the time they’re both finished, he can barely keep his eyes open.

“Almost there,” Eskel says, at which point he realises they’re now halfway up the stairs.

Yawning again, Jaskier keeps a tight hold of Eskel’s arm as they get to his room, thrown off when they stop by the door instead of somewhere more suitable for sleeping. “What’s wrong?” he asks, frowning.

Eskel places the lute Jaskier apparently hadn’t been strong enough to carry himself down before gesturing around vaguely. “I didn’t know anyone would be staying with me so…”

Jaskier laughs, throwing his head back. He has no idea what compels him to do so but he cups Eskel’s confused face in his hands and places a soft kiss on his nose. “Eskel, darling, you are literally my soulmate. I think we’ll be alright sharing a bed.”

He can actually feel the way Eskel smiles under his hands and can’t help grinning back, but then his knees decide to buckle for no apparent reason - aside from the general exhaustion and probably clumsy bruises, of course - and Eskel is once again the only thing keeping him upright.

He’s not entirely sure what the sequence of events is after that but he doesn’t care to puzzle over it because he ends up with his head on an actual pillow and Eskel’s arms around him and he’s never felt so comfortable and safe and content in his life.

“Don’t leave without me,” Jaskier mumbles even as he can feel himself drifting off, only slightly embarrassed at being so obvious about it.

Eskel hums quietly and brushes the pad of his thumb over Jaskier’s cheek before moving his hair away from his forehead, smiling softly as their eyes meet. “I would never even think of it,” he promises.

And somehow, despite everything else in his life that’s somehow gone wrong and fallen apart and proven that perhaps he shouldn’t be so blindly trusting of what he thinks may be the truth even if he has plenty of reasons to believe otherwise, Jaskier can't bring himself to doubt the witcher’s words even in the slightest.

If there’s one thing he knows, it’s that Eskel has always been his destiny.

i apologise if this finale was a little messy because i was indecisive and couldn't choose just one pov but i am so hyped to have finished !!! i hope this ending was worth all the chaos <3

thanks for reading! masterlist | witcher blog: @itsjaskier

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murielisbestmountain · 4 years

Note

Sooo that one post about your reversed ending!Muri,,,, very interesting if i can say (i'm a sucker for thses type of prompts i will literally leap at every opportunity for mc to die/sacrifice themselves for the Li's) Do you think you can turn this lil post of yours to a scenario? Thank you and stay safe!! :)

When Somebody Loved Me

Muriel x reader - gender neutral apprentice, SEVERE angst, Reverse End (noncannon), heartbreak, possible fluffy part 2 if requested, Muriel is soft mountain man, Mild spoilers, you’ve been warned.

They’re radiant, they’re gorgeous, they’re everything he’s ever wanted.

And, for just a breath of a moment, they were his. Their lips on his were soft as violet petals, their hands on his body as delicate as butterflies. It was all so unlike who he is, what he is.

But to Muriel, those soft moments were the world.

That first kiss they shared was like peaking into the gates of heaven, as awkward as the embrace was. The beautiful apprentice touched his scarred body like it was art, their hands tracing his marred frame so delicately.

His chest was aflame with affection the second he laid eyes on them, his eyes searching their form seemingly against his will.

It was a fact, unable to be argued against, everyone could see it.

Muriel, last of his kind, was head-over-heels in love with the magician by the name of (y/n) (y/l/n).

Hair combed and carefully braided back, Muriel makes his way into the city. Vesuvia’s streets bustling once more now that the Devil has gone, homes mended and families reunited. The sun glistens down from behind the fluffy clouds above, the warm sweet air whistling past in the lazy spring morning.

Of course, as usual, the mountain man had put on his best clothes to go into the city, fully aware that he’d get stared at. A bouquet of forget-me-nots in one hand as he meanders towards the familiar magic shop. The scent of incense and magic in the air as the large male approaches. Carefully knocking, the lovely hermit stands waiting.

“Hello?” Asra calls, opening the door and noticing the large male, “Oh, Muriel. Come in come in.” The magician’s smile is warm and sunny despite the sad look in his eyes.

“Is someone here?” A voice calls from the living space, confused since the shop wasn’t supposed to be open. At the sound of his sweet (y/n), Muriel’s lips pull into a serene smile. Instantly the anxiety and fear from days prior just melted away into serenity made of black mead and smoked eel.

“Yes!” Asra calls, “A close friend. Come down please.” Amethyst eyes glance towards the myrrh scented male, the giant looking hopeful despite the reality of things.

“Oh,” (y/n) smiles, walking into the room, “Hello sir! It’s nice to meet you.” The beautiful mossy eyes of the giant male seem to grow a little strained alongside the forced smile on his lips.

“My name is Muriel,” The man smiles, holding out the bouquet with the innocence of a child, “For you, (y/n).” a smile coats (y/l/n)’s face, confused and a little alarmed at the intimidating figure in the shop. Carefully, though mostly out of politeness, the former apprentice takes the flowers with a soft blush.

“nice to um.... make your acquaintance...” (y/n) hums, looking around with unfamiliarity. Something primal deep down in Muriel’s chest screams in pain, the anguish burning up his lungs like a forest fire.

“But you know me,” Muriel wails in anguish, his thoughts ringing in his head like a giant bell, “you know me! You told me you loved me!” tears prick at the corners of the man’s eyes. His hazy dark orbs drift to the emerald engagement ring on (y/n)’s finger. Panic, heartbreak, sorrow, and rage pool in the lungs of the mountain man. It’d been only a year since the Devil had stolen the memories of him, had they moved on? Judging by the beautiful piece of jewelry they had.

“You kissed me, (y/n)...you bathed with me and washed my hair....all that tenderness...all for me...”

Asra, noticing the subtle change in his best friend, rushes to help (y/n) find a vase upstairs. The beauty having walked off in confusion when the ring was spotted. Muriel meanders about the store, trying to distract himself with the little trinkets.

Every week this happens. The mountain man comes into town with flowers or gifts for the stunning magician. Sometimes little love letters would be slipped into the mix. Words he struggled for hours to put to paper. But alas, they’d read them and forget who wrote it all. And now before he could even get them to remember him they’d found a lover. Perhaps a lover who was better than him.

For, in his own mind, Muriel is the furthest thing from lovable.

Scarred, damaged, scared, and the tiredness of depression weighing down on him. Who could love the mountainous man? His brow furrowed angrily, his hands calloused and rough, his lips pulled into an eternal frown.

“Please,” Muriel begs internally, his chest trembling ever-so-slightly,”Please just hold me again...”

“Muriel,” Asra whispers, patting his friend on the arm, “They’re done for today... I think it’s best if...” The magician trails off, eyes cast to the floor in sympathy for his best friend. Muriel nods, walking off to the door.

“T-T...um...Take...”

“I’ll take good care of them,” Asra smiles, holding his best friend’s arm. The hermit nods, turning and exiting the shop briskly. Tears prick at the man’s mossy eyes as he races towards the edge of the city. Pain and anguish tear at the hermit’s chest as he storms into the woods, thoughts rattling in his head like a swarm of wasps. Things they said, things they did....

“You’re too cute to forget.”

“Muriel, we’re gonna do this together, we’re a team!”

“Kiss me, handsome...”

Those kisses, those embraces, those snuggles, every moment a breath in heaven. Now? Just a ghost in the wind.

Hatred, a feeling once only reserved for the likes of Lucio, brews within the man. The fiery rage sinks into the pit of Muriel’s stomach as he races further into the woods, turning into utter heartbreak as fat tears pour down his cheeks rapidly. How could the universe despise him this way? Muriel could ignore his past if his future had (y/n) in it.

But now?

The memory of the ring and the unfamiliar gleam in their eyes lingers in the man’s mind as he storms through the underbrush. Ignoring the presence of a fluffy wolf trotting behind him, Muriel continues to glare forward. His lower lip trembles feebly as he approaches the hut.

BLAM

A tremor shakes the hut as Muriel practically rips the door off its hinges as he enters. Inanna looks around, confused and a tad alarmed at the aggression. The mountain man slumps into the bed, swiping a carefully folded bundle from beside the pillow. Moss green fabric is pressed to the distraught man’s face as he sobs uncontrollably into the scarf. The soft smell of smoked eel and (y/n)’s perfumes soaked into the silky fabric. Small shreds of joy woven into the cloth like jewels in the earth.

“(y/n)!!!” Muriel screams, his whole body shaking as he bellows into the void. Inanna, sensing what happened, comes over and lays her head beside Muriel’s lap.

“Please!!!”

A whimper from the wolf as she nuzzles her friend, his anguish apparent in the way his chest shakes.

“Come back!!!”

His knuckles are white from gripping the scarf to his face as hard as he can.

“Please!!” Muriel sobs, knees to his chest as he screams to a person who has no clue who he is, “Come back to me!! Come back (y/n)!! I’ll be better! I’ll...I’ll love you.... L-Like you deserve to be loved...I’ll...I’ll be better...” The thoughts swarm the mountain man’s skull as he wonders. Maybe if he’d been less callous, less intimidating, less...

....like himself.

“I want you to love me again...” The words pour from his lips like a waterfall, “The world is so cold without you, my sweet (y/n), so....empty... kiss me...make it better...”

But tears don’t change the past. (y/n) isn’t coming back and he knows it. Those feather-light kisses are no more, those comforting hugs and silly jokes, all those luxuries Muriel had come to love. At the end of the day, the lovely magician will be in the arms of a better person.

And unlike (y/n), Muriel will never forget.

#the arcana #arcana #the arcana x reader #arcana x reader #muriel x reader #murielxreader #murielthearcana #muriel arcana #muriel arcana x reader

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christiantcrres · 3 years

Text

May 25th, 2013

Walk out of this door and you’re not our son anymore. Walk out of this door and you’re not our son anymore. Walk out of this door and you’re not our son anymore.

The words ring in seventeen-year-old Christian’s ears like a loud alarm.

“So that’s how it is? That’s the measure of my worth to you?” he spats. His parents' words are heartbreaking, to say the least. It’s been five days since he’s graduated spy prep and he’s now standing in the middle of the living room, a fight erupting between him and his parents. He’s finally had the courage to tell his parents he doesn’t want to continue with this life. Raúl has been trying to mediate, to calm everyone down---he’s always been the calmest in the family. But even his attempts have gone in vain. It’s too horrible.

Ricardo and Francisca Torres just stand there, expression harsh and stoic. It’s an expression Christian’s used to, but he’s this close to begging his parents to accept his wants and wishes and still want him as their son, but they say nothing. His father then points at the front door.

“Dad, please---” his older brother, Raúl begins to plead. “Think of---”

“Not a single word, Raúl!” his mother cuts him off.

Is this really happening? He’s experienced heartbreak before, but no, this is what actual heartbreak is. Nothing lives up to this. Christian’s expression turns stone cold and he nods. “I’ll be out of here in five minutes,” is all that comes out of his lips, and goes up to his room to pack his stuff and leave.

That had been the last time he saw and talked to his parents.

April 5th, 2021

Christian’s lying down in his room, alone. He’s been trying to nap for the past hour, but sleep doesn’t come easy for him today and it frustrates him even more than he already is. The past month feels like everything has fallen apart all around him and he doesn’t know what to do anymore with anything. He’s got no way out at this point till he finishes what Mr. Stewart has asked of him. It’s his job. He has to. Sometimes he wonders why Mr. Stewart is so hellbent on this---on having the Caledonia agents in Gallagher. The more he thinks of it, the more suspicious he becomes, but he doesn’t have the luxury to do this right now. It won’t really change things, will it?

A year ago today, he was getting intensive training from Mr. Stewart in preparation for his enrollment into Gallagher. Before that, Christian had won a race against a prominent leader of a racing gang. It had cost the man a lot of money and an expensive car, and in return he had threatened Christian, telling him he’ll find him wherever he goes. He was already planning on fleeing after this and he would continue living a runaway life, which he didn’t mind. That’s when Mr. Stewart found him and had informed him the gang leader was a very powerful and influential man, with the means to get to Christian’s family too. That’s when he knew he couldn’t flee, and instead he had accepted Mr. Stewart’s offer to keep him and his family safe for a price: becoming his eyes and ears in Gallagher.

Christian’s always hated being told what to do, only agreeing to this because his family would be safe. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if his family got hurt because of him. He doesn’t care if he hasn’t talked to his parents in eight years, he doesn’t care if their relationship is now nonexistent---he wasn’t going to be the reason Raúl and his parents got hurt.

His relationship with his parents, or lack thereof, is complex to say the least. Christian isn’t one to carry any grudges, always one to forget, to shrug off and move on with his life. But his parents remain a big exception to this. He can’t seem to move on from it because it’s a pain he hasn’t been able to deal with, being abandoned and disowned over simply not meeting their expectations and standards. But in a way, it did help him develop the ability to do whatever he pleases at all times and not live to anyone’s expectations if it’s not something he wants to do himself. He often wonders how he gave up his life to protect them when he technically owes them nothing, but for one, his brother doesn’t deserve to live with such grief and pain (if he somehow got out of everything unscathed). Knowing his brother, he’d seek his own retaliation, and that’s just not something Christian wants. He’ll be putting Raúl in additional danger. Also, the mere idea of them being hurt because of him is not something he could stand for. He doesn’t care what they do with their lives, what dangers and missions they make and put themselves through, that’s their own life, but he’ll not be the reason for putting them in harm’s way.

His phone rings and he reaches for it, seeing Raúl on the caller ID, and picks it up. “Hey, Raúl. What’s up?”

Raúl doesn’t reply, but Christian can hear breathing on the other side of the line. Just like that, his stress levels peak and he immediately sits up, thinking the gang leader has gotten to him and he’s in danger. But it can’t be---Mr. Stewart said he’d protect them. “Raúl? Are you here? Say something if you’re okay.” His voice is practically pleading.

“Christian---” It’s not Raúl, it’s his mother. Christian goes dead silent and feels like he loses all composure. He just freezes. He hasn’t heard his mother’s voice in eight years and the first thing she says is his name. “Christian, are you here?” Now it’s his father. Jesus Christ, this is too much to handle. He still can’t find it in him to reply, it’s too overwhelming. He can’t remember the last time he’s felt this overwhelmed.

“Christian?” His mother again.

And finally, after God knows how long, Christian finds his voice. “I’m here---”

“Hello,” Francisca greets. “It’s been a while.”

“You think?” Christian says sarcastically. He can’t help it. He knows from Raúl that his parents have known for a few months that he’s at Gallagher. His older brother had been trying to mend the bridge between the two, but both as obstinate as ever, had refused. He doesn’t know why they’re calling right now, he doesn’t think it’s anything good, simply because he never associates good things with Ricardo and Francisca Torres.

His parents don’t acknowledge the sarcasm. “We thought it’s time we talked,” his father broaches.

“About?” Of course Christian is difficult. He sounds like he’s confident on the phone, but his whole body is shaking. He never expected this to ever happen.

Francisca sighs. “Don’t do this.”

Walk out of this door and you’re not our son anymore. Words he’d never, ever forget till the day he dies.

“Do what? We haven’t talked in eight years.”

“It shouldn’t have gone that long.”

“That’s rich,” Christian says, holding onto the edge of his bed, a myriad of emotions flowing within him.

“Christian, do you want to listen or not?” Ricardo’s always been a harsh, no bullshit kind of man. Even now, he’s still sporting that attitude.

“You didn’t listen to me eight years ago,” is all Christian says.

“That was eight years ago.” Francisca’s always been harsh, too, but if he were to compare his parents, his mother was always more likely to soften up, always had more composure.

“What changed?”

“Raúl told us you’re in Gallagher Academy,” his father begins. “It surprised us, to say the least.” That makes two of us, father. I’m only here to protect you and mother and Raúl, nothing more, nothing less. He wishes he could say that, but he can’t. He hates not being able to say what he wants. It’s been the case for a month now, unable to tell people what he wants. His parents, Raúl, Emir, Stella, Tommy, nearly all the Caledonia agents…

“I’ve been away for eight years, figured it’s time.”

“You were very headstrong against continuing in the field of espionage,” his mother says.

“Things change.”

He can hear his parents sighing on the other line. He wonders if Raúl’s listening too. “Is Raúl here?”

“No. We told him we wanted to do this in private,” his father answers.

Christian doesn’t say anything. He just wishes Raúl had warned him, he’d have at least prepared for this. He feels the heat reaching his ears, his entire being shaking.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were back? Why let Raúl inform us?” his mother asks.

“I’m not your son anymore, right? You don’t need to know about my whereabouts.”

Walk out of this door and you’re not our son anymore.

“Don’t be difficult, Christian,” his father deadpans.

“I get to be whatever the fuck I want to be. You’re calling me after eight years of radio silence, after you told me if I walked out of the fucking door I’m no longer your son. And let’s be real here, you’re only calling because I’m in Gallagher. My worth was always going to be associated with espionage, right?”

The words come out of him rapidly, and he moves to cover and rubber his eyes with his free hand. Fucking hell, he didn’t need this phone call right now. His parents are silent for what feels like an eternity, and he’s contemplating hanging up.

“You never wanted us to reach out, yes?” his mother asks. Of course his parents deflect the bit about why they’re calling. Except, Christian is not going to let it drop.

“Did you want to reach out, mother? I was the disappointment, the black sheep. I never lived up to you and father’s expectations, so you decided I’m not worthy of being a part of this family. Why would I reach out, huh? Besides, don’t run away from the question: you’re only calling because I’m in Gallagher, right? You wouldn’t have bothered otherwise. And even then, it took you months.” He lets out a chuckle, but there’s no humor in it. “Y’all should’ve waited a few extra months.” He can’t stop the sarcasm. It’s the most Christian’s said to them yet.

Walk out of this door and you’re not our son anymore.

That’s when Christian closes his eyes, realizing they’re burning as he pushes back tears.

“It’s wrong timing, we admit,” his mother begins quietly. “We should have done this sooner---way sooner.”

“And yet.”

“Christian.”

“Hm? Come on, you wanted to talk, talk. I’m all ears for whatever bullshit you’ve got for me,” he spats.

“You’re being difficult,” Ricardo says.

“Too bad.”

Both his parents go silent for a moment and Christian anticipates them ending the conversation, but then his father talks again.

“If we had reached out before, would you have talked to us?”

“Don’t turn this on me, father. You didn’t try. You know I tried to live up to your expectations my whole fucking life and when I realized this was practically impossible, that I was never going to be Raúl for you, I fucking gave up.” There’s no animosity towards Raúl, there never was. His brother is easily the most important person in his life, but their parents had often pinned them against each other when it came to their training---even if Raúl and Christian never saw it as such.

“Have you had a good life? After you left?” his mother asks after a few moments. He can probably count the number of times both sides went silent on this phone call.

“Yeah, it was great. I did everything I’ve always wanted to do, with zero judgment and expectations.” A tear streams down his cheek, because all he wants is to be back on the road, in this car and going from country to country, racing and doing whatever he wanted. Instead, he’s being controlled by Mr. Stewart into doing his dirty work.

“Good,” they both say at the same time.

For someone who agreed to be here to protect his family, Christian’s being awfully stubborn talking to his parents. But for him, even though they’re half the reason he’s here, that doesn’t mean their relationship is mended.

“Anything else?” Christian asks, just wanting to end this call, because he’s feeling so vulnerable right now and he hates it. He can’t handle all these feelings.

“If we were to extend an olive branch, would you take it?” his mother asks.

“Are you extending one or not? Why are you waiting for my answer before you decide?”

“Answer us, Christian,” his mother deadpans.

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, has to think about how he’s certain his parents want to mend the relationship because he’s in Gallagher again, and not because they genuinely want their son back in their lives. Would they still talk to him if he ends up leaving again? Would they disown him once more? Call him a disappointment?

“You’re not doing a great job convincing me.”

“You’re not being exactly easy either---”

“Ricardo,” his mother berates his father. “Christian, listen. What happened eight years ago shouldn’t have happened. We’re not calling it a mistake, because it’s much bigger than a mistake.”

He’s surprised by the words that come out of his mother’s lips. They almost sound like an apology. Both his parents have always had an ego that’s sky high, so he doesn’t know what happened the past eight years that changed them this way.

“We want to extend an olive branch,” Francisca adds. “We know it’ll take a lot of work and time to rebuild everything, but we would like to try.”

More tears stream down Christian cheek, and he reaches with his free hand to wipe them. He gets up to walk around the small room, as if walking will shake off some of the excess feelings.

“We understand if you don’t want to answer us right now, we’ve never been model parents to you or Raúl.”

He wants to ask if this is really Ricardo and Francisca on the phone, but instead he asks, “Are you all safe?”

“Of course we’re safe.”

“Okay.” At least Mr. Stewart was fulfilling his part of the deal.

There’s an awkward silence that hangs for a few moments. Christian doesn’t know what he wants, whether to accept the peace offering or be stubborn about it. He doesn’t know what’s right at this point. What he knows is that he’s tired of everything and would like a fucking break. He thinks about Raúl’s words. His brother has been trying nonstop to mend the relationship between the two sides, and he’s always been the wiser of the brothers. Maybe Christian should listen to him and take someone’s advice for once.

“---I don’t know how you’re planning on doing this, but we can see how and where it goes,” Christian says finally. It’s Christian saying he’d like to try, but he’s not giving a definite yes or no just yet. He has little trust in his parents, and it will need a while to rebuild that. But the moment he says those words, he feels a massive boulder removed from his shoulders, and he doesn’t realize till this specific moment that he needed this. He has no idea where it’ll go, or if things will be fine, but that’s a step, right? They have to start somewhere.

“Okay, that sounds reasonable. We would both like that, as well,” Francisca replies.

“We can meet up during the next break you have, too?” his father offers quietly. The offer scares Christian, but he knew it was coming.

“Yeah, we can meet.”

“Until then, we’ll be regularly phone calling,” Francisca decides. It’s funny to him how they’re treating this like some kind of schedule or plan, but that’s how his parents always were.

“Mhm. Take care, yeah? I have to leave in a bit for a class.” A class he’s going to be skipping, because he won’t be focusing either way.

“Of course, you take care, too. Thank you for talking to us, Christian,” his mother says.

“Yeah, uh---thanks for calling,” he says as he rubs his teary eyes. When they hang up, he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and things feel a little lighter around him. With everything going to hell right now, it’s relieving to know that at least there’s something going in a positive direction (at least that’s what he hopes). With that, he gets up to go to the garage, the only place he wants to be right now.

#self para #i highkey dunno how to tag this but x #abandonment tw

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crispyliza · 4 years

Text

Spamano multi-chapter fanfiction recommendation masterlist!

For all you home-quarantined people that have nothing to do and also because I’ve been meaning on making one of these since 2015 (took a global pandemic to get me started lol)

These fanfics are all with multiple chapters and listed in no particular order. Of course some are better than others, but every single one has its charms! I added only a few with 3 or 4 chapters because i liked them too much not to whereas the rest of the fanfics have at least 5+ chapters. So without further ado, here they are:

Una Notte A Napoli “One night in Naples, by the moon and sea, my heart was stolen by an angel who had forgotten how to fly.” (completed)

Per Sempre Tuo “Lovino Vargas, better known as Romano, is a famous TV actor. He has everything anyone could ever want. The only problem is that the thing he wants, over-night singing sensation Antonio Fernandez, is married.” (completed)

HOVA “The Nova Sagittarius was a ship that would take myself and countless other passengers on a one month trip around our solar system. But things went wrong; the ship changed and just like that, we were stranded. We got to know each other but more than that, we got to know ourselves.” (completed)

What We’d Do Without Gravity “While lost in a hospital Antonio comes across young terminally ill patient, Lovino Vargas. With Lovino left only six months to live it’s an awful time a romance to blossom between the ill fated pair, but with a bucket list to race through as the clock ticks down, the two find that love is very hard to avoid.” (completed)

Numbered Lithograph “When Lovino starts attending art school with his brother he finds his most important lesson doesn’t come from his professors, but from a culinary student at a sister school: sometimes the flaws hold the beauty.” (completed)

Tienimi Streto “Lovino Vargas is a detective with a poor attitude and a dark past, driven to the side of law by pain and revenge. After his partner quits, he is paired with specially recruited Antonio Carriedo, who becomes something more than just a co-worker. When deaths linked to the Italian start popping up over the city, Lovino begins to question everything he thought he knew.” (on-going)

More than attraction “Antonio says he met his love’s eyes over the bin of tomatoes. Lovino says he was stalked relentlessly until he was forced to give in.” (completed)

Credo “AU, 1502. Fueled by revenge, Lovino Vargas hasn’t failed an assassination job yet - but when a new Spanish captain comes to Rome, killing the unorthodox Antonio Carriedo might just be the death of him.” (completed)

Secret Tunnels from Madrid to Sicily “When Antonio Fernández Carriedo begins work as a professor at a prestigious university in Britain, one of his students, a Sicilian boy who goes by the name Romano, immediately catches his eye. He is a clearly gifted writer, who closes himself off in the wake of a dark and painful history. Even wrapped in his darkness, pushing everyone away, Toni finds himself determined to bring out the potential within Romano…They drag each other into a passionate, inevitable affair–doomed, they know, to end in flames.” (completed)

Why Did it Have to be You? “Lovino’s parents are tired of his horrible behavior, and hire Antonio to babysit him. But time is a cruel mistress, and in absence the heart grows fonder. These are just some of the things Antonio and Lovino will learn.” (completed)

And the Birds Sing No More “Don’t ever leave me.” Lovino said nothing. He allowed the tense heaviness to settle among his shoulders, tighten his lungs, and spread between the space from where he stood to where Antonio was seated lethargically. Antonio’s gaze sharpened. Lovino, inclining his head slightly, whispered, “I won’t.” (completed)

A Dancing Star “Antonio is the easy-going, life-loving art professor and Lovino is the Italian exchange student who walks into his art studio. When Antonio falls in love he thought he only had his job to worry about, but maybe it’s Lovino’s dark secret that’ll push him away. Trigger warning for self-harm and dark themes.” (completed)

Kismet “Lovino learns the hard way that things change and that they can change quickly. The necklace fell and now he’s in a strange land far from home. Will he ever see his brother again? Will he find his way home? Or will he discover home is where the heart is? Fate is a strange woman and can work in mysterious ways.” (completed)

Let that be enough “Lovino had given up hoping for someone who’d care about him. Antonio never expected to fall for the most tormented guy in town. But dark secrets and hidden dangers threatens their blooming relationship. Is it over before it even begun..?” (completed)

Child services “Romano and Feliciano Vargas have just lost their parents. Romano, who is 22, must care for his 6 year old little brother. Enter Antonio Carreido, the agent from Child Services who must record his progress, however, it’s hard for the cheerful Spaniard to keep from falling in love with this little broken down family and with Romano.” (on-going)

Loving a Stranger “You don’t remember, but I know you. We were- I don’t even know how to describe our relationship. That sounds bad, I know. I think you might have been in love with me, although I cannot see why. That’s just what I’ve been told. I acted as though I hated you, but I never did. I was afraid, because you were kind to me. I didn’t know I loved you until you forgot me…“ (completed)

The Many Personalities of Spain “England casts a spell to rid himself of Spain. As expected it goes wrong; leaving Romano to deal with the many personalities of Spain. That sounds like a normal day for Romano, right? It would be if the personalities not had their own personifications.” (on-going)

Daisy Genocide “My name is Lovino Vargas but that’s not who I actually am. I’m my brother. They put his DNA into a little ball of jello and grew me like a house plant. To say it blatantly, I’m a clone and I’m in a disturbing amount of trouble. I’m about to tell the story of my fight to preserve my humanity followed by a vicious history of crime but it’s a secret. Nobody has to know.” (completed)

More Than Meets The Eye “Striving to find approval and meaning, Antonio throws himself into the world of art determined to come out on top. Yet, in all of his searching, burning, and pain, he never thought that a single culinary student could ever manage to tear down his walls and make him face his biggest fear; himself.” (on-going)

Cryonic “After suffering a fatal attack from an unknown illness, Lovino Vargas underwent cryopreservation, leaving behind his only family, his boyfriend, and a blooming company. Years later the effects are only just coming into play causing more problems than his preservation was supposed to solve. Human AU; T for language; pre-established Spamano.” (on-going)

All of Our Flaws “Antonio is a man whose world revolves around anyone but himself. Lovino is a man with dreams bigger than a job behind a drugstore counter. Antonio is broken; Lovino is incomplete. Will a chance meeting lead them to mending their cracks and finding their missing pieces? Human AU, trigger warning for self-harm.” (on-going)

Truly an artist “Having already completed college, Lovino Vargas lives in Madrid as an artist suffering from severe artist’s block. In one of his visits to his old school he runs into a new teacher, Antonio Fernández Carriedo, who decides he’ll be the one to help Lovino in his endeavor to find himself. However cheerful and optimistic, Lovino still feels there’s more to Antonio than he’s letting on.” (completed)

The Heartbreaker “Sometimes the best things happen unexpectedly. Certainly this is Antonio’s opinion at the moment. The handsome stranger he met upon moving to a new town in Italy seems to be able to do almost no wrong. Until he digs a little deeper below the surface and begins to discover an unsettling reputation. And if the rumours are true, is it wise to trust a man known as ‘The Heartbreaker?” (completed)

We sing, We dance, We eat tomatoes “When Lovino Vargas takes in a starving guitar player called the Curbside Prophet from the streets of Philadelphia, he isn’t expecting the man to tolerate him for more than a couple weeks, much less fall in love with him. Based on the the music by Jason Mraz.” (on-going)

Underwater Land “Antonio was a merman. Lovino hated water. It was truly a match made in heaven.” (completed)

Flashlight “If I throw a tomato at you, vampire bastard, will you still sparkle under the sauce?” Twilight parody. (completed)

Catch you, Catch me “Clumsy, clueless detective Romano is on the trail of the infamous handsome and charming thief El Apasionado Caballero. But there’s more to this, what seems like a simple game of cat and mouse, than meets the eye.” (completed)

Blackbird “Antonio walks into a small coffee joint, hoping for just some caffeine to take the edge off of late-night studying for midterms, and gets a whole lot more than he bargained for in the form of a snarky, foulmouthed, Italian barista.” (on-going)

Counting Stars “Antonio, failed writer and journalist, thinks things are finally going his way when he lands an interview with actor Lovino Vargas. But it’s only the start of a long line of problems… the biggest of which may be Vargas himself.” (on-going)

Cosa Nostra “Based on the historical background of the Sicilian Mafia during the First Mafia War starring Mafia!Romano.” (completed)

Tight Rope “Rich, spoiled kid Lovino Vargas hates pirates. Pirate captain Antonio Carriedo hates rich, spoiled kids. None of them ever thought they could feel something different from hatred towards one another. However, Fate seems to have different plans for them, and twists their lives in unexpected ways.” (on-going)

When You Recover “Nurse Lovino Vargas has to take care of brain damaged patient Antonio Carriedo, who seems to have a strange affection towards him. N-not that Lovino likes it! The Italian is determined to make the man recover, no matter what it takes. What will little Lovino get himself into with this patient?” (on-going)

Like All Things, It Ends “Lovino doesn’t want his family to know how much his childhood trauma still affects him and he does a good job at hiding it. That is, until he moves to a new town and meets Antonio, someone he is unable to hide anything from. (Warnings for PTSD, Depression, harmful thinking of oneself, and violent death of a loved one)” (completed)

Wish upon a star “A drunken wish on a star lands Lovino back in the time of pirates, and when he runs into a familiar face with an unfamiliar personality, he’ll start to question his own heart. Pirate!SpainxRomano. Rated for language, violence, and maybe mature situation” (completed)

Crooked Timber “As an artist, Lovino understands that perfection doesn’t exist. If only Antonio agreed with him, and stopped trying to hurt himself. -Human (College) AU. Spamano multi-chapter with other minor pairings. Depressed!Antonio, Writer!Antonio, Artist!Lovino- TW for self-harm.” (completed)

Just Pretend! “Romano liked Emma- a lot. Except her stupid big brother was too overprotective (and, okay, a little scary)! He wouldn’t allow any guy near her- unless they weren’t romantically interested in Emma. So, Romano decided to pretend to be gay, with the help of Antonio, in hopes of getting Emma to fall in love with him. Perfect plan, right?” (completed)

The Duty of an Elder Son “Lovino Vargas knew a lot about duty.” His Grandfather’s swollen empire puts all of his family in danger, the other gangs are massing, the police are on their tails and Lovino is given a bodyguard in one Antonio Carriedo. 1920s Mafia AU fic. (completed)

Flatmates “They were flatmates, they were best friends and they were really frustrated about relationships. So what would two young men do about this?” (completed)

Zero Tolerance “Lovino lives a perfect life. Or atleast thats how he is suppose to appear. Antonio lives a life as a dangerous gangbanger. North Side meets South Side as these two are partnered in their Chemistry class. But there is one chemical reaction these 2 arent prepared for- Love. AU, human names used. Based on the book “Perfect Chemistry” by Simone Elkeles.” (completed)

Your Love Can Be My SIght “Seventeen year old Lovino Vargas lost his sight in a terrible car accident. Antonio, a teacher at Lovino’s school was born without it. Can Antonio teach Lovino that even without sight, life can be beautiful?” (completed)

The Greatest Treasure, You Idiot! “Spinoff of the “Sea Foam” chapter in Hetalia Fairy Tales. Captain Carriedo of the pirate ship, Buscador Dorado, seeks a legendary treasure “that is worth gaining” with the help of the infamous wish-giver, Lovino. But what is the true treasure?” (completed)

Crowns of Triple Gold “Things are rarely simple for Romano in the Eternal City, especially when he falls for one of his clients, a Hispanian senator up for consul against his father.” (completed)

Prisoners on the Slave Ship of Love “Lovino Vargas has been captured and taken hostage in a pirate raid led by Captain Antonio Fernandez Carriedo and his band of Spanish buccaneers. Tensions grow high and hearts are tested when Lovino becomes Captain Carriedo’s personal prisoner…” (on-going)

The Lemon Tree “Lovino didn’t want to be a slave in that scary mansion. He needed to break free. The fight for independence, however, is a difficult path, and falling in love with the man that destroyed his life doesn’t make things any easier.” (completed)

Sun Kissed “A powerful man once created gods to rule the sky as the creatures of the land lives. The Sun and the Moon. Brothers since birth, and all powerful, they rule side by side. As time passes, the Sun realizes how unhappy he is watching people hide from him. What happens when he discovers a man who isn’t afraid to live under the harsh sun?” (completed)

Tesoro Mio “Antonio’s the charming, handsome farmer with an infuriating Spanish accent, and Lovino is the mysterious wine entrepreneur who comes and goes. When Antonio falls in love, he throws society, expectations, and religion to the wayside, but can a strict Catholic like Lovino do the same?” (completed)

Because of the war “A first person POV for Romano during and after WW2. His thoughts as he fights and survives. Beware of angst.” (completed)

Just Add one Mermaid’s Tear “To gain something of ultimate value; the unthinkable must be preformed. The line is etched upon the brow of every nation, the taste of the water still on their lips. What happens though when one nation desires the fountain of youth once more?” (completed)

Until the Moss Had Reached Our Lips, and Covered Up Our Names “In a city filled to the brim with gangs, all the territory split between them, peace has lasted for the past sixteen years. It’s a tentative peace, won after the last massive gang war reshaped the entire city. Except all it takes is one domino to fall, and the Vargas patriarch is dead, leaving behind Antonio to lead his house, who isn’t even his blood relative. With an untried Head, the balance of power has started to shift again, and it seems as good a time as any to start calling in old debts and revenges.” (on-going)

The Bet “When someone kisses you, and then moves away you’d think that would be it. But when Antonio comes back from Spain he wants Lovino to be his again. Except Lovino now hates Antonio…which sucks for Lovino because Antonio isn’t going to let go that easily.” (completed)

Wings “People ask me a lot why I love him. Why I spend so much time chasing him when he never returns my feelings. It’s because I see something they don’t.” (on-going)

My Heart is Drenched in Wine “Wine and romance. More importantly, when you cut through my wine!fangirling, this is a story about Lovino and Antonio and how they find their way back together (in spite of the past and occasionally the present) as they attempt to make wine and sometimes love.” (completed)

Of Two Minds “Feliciano and Lovino are living on the streets, with a secret that keeps them from getting close to anyone. Will their lives get better or worse after being forced to join a pirate crew, and what will happen when their secret finally comes out? Rated T for some (minor) violence, Romano’s mouth, and some angsty feelings. Pirate AU.” (completed)

Beats of Fever “Antonio Fernández Carriedo is a doctor working in Madrid dealing with a crush on an Italian tourist when the tensions in Spain reach a head and Civil War breaks out.” (on-going)

All of Our Sins “Lovino is Catholic, but he’s not entirely sure what he believes. Nevertheless, he and his brother Feliciano are forced to attend confirmation classes. When Lovino meets their group leader- bizarre, cheerful Antonio; one of the first people to treat Lovino like he matters- things get complicated. When they find this church is much darker than it appears, things get terrifying. Fast.” (completed)

Es Sólo Tu Corazón “Lovino has been in love with Spain for as long as he can remember. All he wants is to be with his former caretaker, but he soon finds out that the Spain he knew as a child is no longer there…and the real one is far more dangerous.” (on-going)

There Goes My Life “Antonio, 26, a old gourmet chef, a bachelor who’s all party. Lovino a 20 y/o premed student who only has one goal, to be become a doctor. He is determined to let his feelings for the Spaniard fade away, but after receiving devastating news, a drunken one night stand leads to the end of life as Lovino knows it.” (on-going)

As We Were “Rich, bored and unhappy, Lovino Vargas is the heir to his grandfather’s wine brand. Antonio is the restless young traveller prone to attacks of claustrophobia. For them, falling in love is a journey. Literally. Spamano, Human AU, multi-chapter. Warnings for language and sexual themes.” (completed)

NekoRoma “Antonio has been feeling lonely with his recent break up with his on/off boyfriend. The solution: a new kitten that his boss doesn’t want. Just as he gets used to this cat, a new challenge is thrown at him. How do you teach a cat to be human?” (completed)

Summer Sensations “The hot summer nights of Madrid bring many things, but one very special night changes two lives forever. Lovino learns that love is not such a frivolous thing after all.” (completed)

Fools Like Us “What starts out as a normal Friday night for the “Bad Touch Trio” soon becomes an opportunity for Francis to use his favorite word in reference to his best friends. Unfortunately, Gilbert and Antonio couldn’t possibly have fallen for people who would return their feelings easily, but Francis is determined to help them out despite his own relationship-or lack thereof.” (completed)

Hear Me “Antonio and Lovino are trying their best to get by in high school, but between the stresses of grades, family, friends, and heartache, it’s a lot harder than it looks.” (completed)

Fame and Fortune “Lovino Vargas is a barkeeper and reluctant Stasi informant. As much as he despises what he does, he obeys the terrifying Red Army colonel, Ivan Braginsky. That is, until the secretive and frustratingly attractive Antonio Fernandez Carriedo arrives in his life and breaks all the rules. Inspired by the Elvis Presley song of the same name.” (on-going)

It’s all Antonio’s Fault “Condoms, footballs to the stomach, fake nurses, confusing hallways, and flying backpacks. Lovino Vargas’s first day at World Academy was already one of his worst, and he could only imagine that it would spiral downwards as he got to know the tomato bastard, otherwise known as Antonio Fernandez Carriedo.” (on-going)

My Antonio “Going against everything in his strict, Catholic upbringing, Lovino has fallen desperately into love and lust for his family’s Spanish stable boy, Antonio.” (completed)

Sound Life “Spain is dead, leaving Romano distraught and wishing for there to be a way for him to see his beloved Spaniard alive and healthy…Only to wake up in a strange alternate world… with another Spain seeking his affection.” (completed)

Possessively Scary “Romano begins college late with his brother after their nonno passes away. When entering, he meets a very strange Spaniard. The man is odd but still attractive at the same time. As they get closer, Romano learns more about Antonio and doesn’t know if he should be scared of the man or not. Can he get out of something he got himself into?” (on-going)

This Dance “Antonio wants Lovino to be his dancepartner at Austria’s ball. Lovino, struggling with his growing feelings of love and affection for everyone’s favorite tomato-bastard as always, agrees. Now, there could be worse things, right?” (completed)

Powdered Sugar “Truth, like powdered sugar, tastes sweet but goes down cold. If a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, we might need a bit more.” (completed)

Singles “Antonio, Francis, and Gilbert are three friends who suffered their first heartbreaks at the age of fifteen, and made a pact to never fall in love again. That will change for Antonio when he first lays eyes on a brown-haired young man in a club…” (completed)

A Heated Story “Sky High / superpower hs au. wip. Lovino Vargas is a new kid at Sky High with his brother. He has the power to control fire. Only one problem, he hates the heat. Spamano, and other ships. Doesn’t actually have anything to do with the movie, just used the school.” (on-going)

I Don’t Hate You “Lovino and his brothers face the unknown while on a mission to Earth. The Italian angel comes up against more than he bargained for when a dark angel takes a liking to him and now he and Feliciano might be cast out.” (completed)

Like all things, it ends “Lovino doesn’t want his family to know how much his childhood trauma still affects him and he does a good job at hiding it. That is, until he moves to a new town and meets Antonio, someone he is unable to hide anything from.” (completed)

Disegno e Colore “A young, apprenticing artist, Lovino craves rationality, perfection, and self-possession, and has curated his life to one day attain that. He never expected a chaotic and brash painter to barrel into his life and test everything Lovino thought he wanted and knew of himself, his art, and his heart.” (on going)

Land Beyond Dreams “Antonio is saved from death by someone he’d spoken to only a few times, but who lost his life in the process. Grief-stricken, he only wishes he could have gotten to know his savior, when his dreams suddenly become reality…or are they still only dreams?” (completed)

It’s All Antonio’s Fault “Condoms, footballs to the stomach, fake nurses, confusing hallways, and flying backpacks. Lovino Vargas’s first day at World Academy was already one of his worst, and he could only imagine that it would spiral downwards as he got to know the tomato bastard, otherwise known as Antonio Fernandez Carriedo.” (on-going)

A tale of endurance “Lovino had no idea what to do. Knowing that your life will be over in half a year tends to do that to you. Well, one thing he knew for sure. No one would ever discover this until the day he was pushing daisies. And that was a fact.” (completed)

The Risk of Love “Romano is dead and Spain is broken, spiralling into the deep, blackness of depression. And as he locks himself from the outside world, isolating himself from his friends, from everyone, in his oblivion of pain, Romano find’s he’s the only one who can help. Only, how can useless ghost like him even dream to help the slowly dying love of his life?” (completed)

Dance with me “Lovino Vargas started taking tango lessons completely by accident. Who would have thought that one day he wouldn’t mind those hands roaming over his body? That he would be dancing with his teacher as if there was no one in the room but the two of them?” (on-going)

Fireflies “Lovino was abandoned in Italy with his grandfather at age seven because his parents liked his little brother better than they liked him. On his way back from America, he sits next to a far too happy Spaniard. But, when this childish Spaniard turns out to be his new teacher, what will happen? And with a field trip to Venice on the way, what antics will they get up to?” (on-going)

El Corazón del Pirata “Fate is once kind, twice cruel. And Captain Antonio Fernandez Carriedo does not have a heart, nor does he fall in love with his prisoners. But Lovino Vargas might just be the fuel to his flame - certainly there’s more to him than meets the eye.” (completed)

More Than Lust “Why did the Spaniard always hope for the impossible? That Romano would come to him one day, confessing his feelings, and they would make LOVE? That they would cry out each others names, he could hold the Italian, wake up the next morning, and he would still be there?” (completed)

The Prince and the Pauper “When Prince Feliciano goes missing, it is up to a poor servant boy Romano to step in to take his place and thwart an evil plan to take over the kingdom. However, falling in love was something neither one anticipated. Based off of the Princess and the Pauper.” (completed)

Talking to My Shadow “Lovino spends his life telling doctors about his brother, Feliciano. They hear about his look-alike brother everyday but never see him. Lovino is finally taken to a new physiologist and he meets the doctor’s son, a springy little Spaniard who’s excited to help his new friend, no matter the difficulty. Will this illness mean a life time of seclusion for Lovino or can he win?” (completed)

Spend my time dancing “As much as Lovino loved seeing the upperclassman in his soccer jersey, he’d much rather help him take it off. It’s about time they started playing on the same field. AU. SpaMano. Various others. All’s fair in love and soccer.” (completed)

Maybe, Just Maybe “Romano couldn’t help but be instantly attracted to the stranger on the train, the one with bright green eyes and an unforgettable smile. How could something so simple end up changing his life so much?” (completed)

Dead Alone “Lovino drains the life from anything he touches, seriously. It seems that he’s the embodiment of death while his lively twin brother is his counterpart life. He has isolated himself from everyone, for their own protection. So what happens when a new transfer student decides to take an interest in him his freshman year of high school?” (on-going)

Lovino and the Conquistador “Lovino lived a life of simple pleasures; a good book, his own little world and an odd, but loving, family. However, in order to save his family, he must take their place as prisoner of a hideous beast within a gloomy castle. Based on “Beauty and the Beast” (completed)

Truth Be Told “The Well of Uncomfortable Truths is discovered & deals Spain a hard fact- "Whenever you said you loved him, you didn’t really mean it. You were thinking of his brother. They were empty words.” Can Romano be convinced about whom the Well was talking about?” (completed)

Scaliest “When his entire life is taken from him, Antonio vowed to slay the beast that ruined his life no matter the cost. But on his travels he meets a secretive, sassy bard who might be more helpful than either of them realize. Is vengeance the answer or is there more at stake?” (on-going)

All I’ve lost “Lovino Vargas has slowly fallen into the trap that is Anorexia. He meets Antonio who is a strangely kind kid. Lovino thinks maybe, just maybe…there is hope. Warnings: Depression, anorexia, bulimia, mental illness and bullying.” (completed)

Infection “Antonio didn’t know what to think of the man who randomly showed up in his home… completely naked. Yet, he still found himself drawn to this “Lovino”, only to be thrown into his worst nightmare.” (on-going)

Tomato Angel “What happens when Antonio get’s jealous? (Aftermath of ‘Awesome Being Evil’)” (completed)

Step-Lovers “King Romulus is getting married to Queen Isabel. While the wedding goes smoothly, things don’t go all that smooth for Antonio and Lovino. The heat is especially turned up when it’s decided that there will be a competition for who gets to be heir to the throne.” (completed)

There goes my life “Antonio, 26, a old gourmet chef, a bachelor who’s all party. Lovino a 20 y/o premed student who only has one goal, to be become a doctor. He is determined to let his feelings for the Spaniard fade away, but after receiving devastating news, a drunken one night stand leads to the end of life as Lovino knows it.” (on-going)

Broken Wings, Healed Hearts “Junior Lovino Vargas, a broken angel, has a dark secret he’s determined to keep to himself, now matter how much of an outcast it makes him. But will his new neighbor, Antonio, change that?” (completed)

The Reunion “Light or Dark?” Lovino asked. Feliciano studied him before answering. “Light. Light always wins” When Feliciano Vargas catches the eye of a mysterious man only by the name of “The Lord,” he finds himself and his brother on an adventure ending in Germany’s infamous Black Forest. However, the Lord’s affections are not what they appear to be and Lovino finds himself worried there is a worse threat other than some creep trying to get into his brother’s pants. (on-going)

Slowly But Surely In Love “Lovino Vargas turns fifteen, the age at which the words of peoples’ soul-mates say to them when they first meet is branded onto their wrists. Feliciano has a brand as soon as the hand strikes midnight, but why doesn’t Lovino?” (completed)

Life with Lyrics Lovino Style “Lovino struggles with what he believes is a one-sided crush and his completely oblivious, also entirely too cheerful, brother. Mentions of suicide, but not a death fic!” (completed)

Walking the Line “Maybe stumbling into Walmart in search of supplies during the end of the world wasn’t as good of an idea as Lovino initially thought. Nothing screamed desperate like raiding the aisles of a fucking Walmart for food while a hoard of the undead snarled at him from outside, but that didn’t seem to matter to the armed trio he stumbled into, or more specifically, the odd Spaniard munching on Skittles. His ideas were getting to be pretty lackluster these days.” (ongoing)

Hymn to the Sea “Please, call me Antonio,” he says. “Oh, and Lovino?” “What?” Lovino snaps, a little sharper than he wants when his brain has finally caught up to his embarrassment and he realizes he’s acting like a love-sick child. He finds he still can’t keep up when Antonio’s smile changes into something different: not the friendliness it was earlier nor the comforting warmth it was moments ago. No, this one is affectionate. “I prefer your smile over Feliciano’s any day,” he says, quiet and honest. (completed)

I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You “Throughout the 500 years they spent together, Antonio never stopped reminding Lovino of how special he was, and Lovino never stopped making Antonio the happiest man on earth.” (completed)

Lentamente “Antonio and Lovino are struggling with catastrophic life changes. A traumatic event leaves Antonio scared of his own shadow; a romantic betrayal destroys Lovino’s ability to trust people. And when coping seems impossible, can dance save them?” (completed)

We’d Be Together “Something felt off about Antonio’s new home. The stairs creaked, the windows groaned, and in the mirror he saw a face he didn’t know. The face was young but the gestures old; Toni began a romance untold. He felt an issue new to most… if only he could touch Lovino the ghost.” (completed)

Blessed WIth A Curse “Monsters are real… and they didn’t just hide in your closet or under your bed. Too bad they came in the form of Antonio Fernandez Carriedo- a Spaniard too sexy for his own good. / AU Vampire!AntonioxLovino” (on-going)

Speak “Lovino is shy. So is Antonio. Oh dear…” (completed)

You Belong With Me “Lovino wished for a lot of things. He wished he had a family or food or fitting clothes or friends but mainly just wished to belong. He doesn’t quite get what he wished for when he meets filthy rich Antonio, who just came from Spain and has settled in the same town as the little thief. Still…it’s a start.” (completed)

The Witch of Sicily “There were still whispers, rumors that the witch of Sicily remained in that forest, cursing all who would come near. It was a place many feared to tread, treated almost as sacred ground. Only fools would dare incite the wrath of the witch by entering that place. Only fools…and pirates.” (on-going)

We the Dreamers “New York City, 1940: Antonio is a recently arrived refugee from Spain, a scarred soldier with firm political convictions. For Lovino, everything is pointless and nothing ever lasts. The two of them live, love and dream desperately, as World War Two threatens to take it all away.” (completed)

Guide Me “After witnessing a startling event, Lovino Vargas finds himself stricken with blindness from a psychological misfortune called ‘conversion disorder’. Without anyone to guide him, he is placed with Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, a novice seeing-eye counselor, who will try to help him regain his sight and if not, teach him how to live in the new dark, lonely world ahead of him.” (completed)

Pirate’s Lullaby “It was the last thing in the world that Lovino Vargas wanted. To fall in love with Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. But when the pirate takes him aboard his ship, Lovino learns that maybe it’s not so bad to be a pirate.” (on-going)

Infamous “Lovino was a childhood actor, but once the show he was a part of got canceled he thought he was free and could leave all the acting and fame up to his brother Feliciano. However, when a 'follow up’ episode is decided upon ten years later, he ends up going back. There he sees a familiar, face; Antonio Carriedo, a singer with his eye on Lovi making normal impossible” (completed)

Guilty Bliss “Lovino has had a drug problem for years that he’s never been able to stop. With his debts getting out of hand, Lovino finds himself in situations that made him wish he had quit.” (completed)

Bottoms Up! “Follow Lovino on his weird and, well, at least quite interesting trip around Europe in order to find out some of the greatest secrets ever about himself, Europe, tomato-shaped alarm clocks and the past of his lovely, but complicated Spanish partner.” (completed)

A Trip To Spain Could Only End In “Lovino is a foreign exchange student in Spain. Things were going just brilliantly before he happened upon a Spanish restaurant in the heart of Madrid where he laid eyes on a certain Spanish Sex God…” (completed)

The Pirates Treasure “Pirate Captain Antonio wants one thing, and one thing only; a mermaid. Boy or girl doesn’t matter, as long as they are royalty and can make him jewels.He’s got his wish, but dealing with this prince is going to be much harder than he thought.” (completed)

Strike a Pose, Fake a Smile “Antonio loves the stage; Romano hates it. So when he’s “convinced” into coming to drama club, he’s not gonna like it. In fact, he’s going to say things that he’ll regret. And because he’s such a good actor, this time Antonio believes him. Uh-oh.” (completed)

A Helping Hand “Antonio owns a cafe low on business. One day a strange boy comes in, running from a group of men and covered in wounds. Antonio offers for him to stay and repay him with work. As payment, the boy Lovino begins to make new dishes to bring more people into the cafe. Who is this boy and why won’t he tell Antonio anything but his name and age?” (completed)

A Beautiful Story “Lovino Romano Vargas is a suicidal designer who is unhappy with his fate. One day, he chances to meet Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, who turns his life upside down.” (completed)

Careless “This year, Antonio had priorities: grades, girlfriend and the Football competition, securing college with his two best friends! But that was before the Vargas moved in with all their drama including kidnapping, threats, and football talents. If anyone asks Lovino, not getting killed would be a clear ecstatic success. He is just what Antonio needed, or not.” (on-going)

This is it for now but I might update this if I get any suggestions, if I remember any fanfic that I missed or if I find any new good ones. If you’re an author and want me to add your fanfic or if you just want to suggest me one don’t be afraid to PM me! (because this is a masterlist after all)

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for-ests · 4 years

Text

Lost In Your Light: Peter Parker x Reader (Part 1)

Summary: Having the power of life and death at your fingertips seems useless when you can't save the ones you love. Y/N knows this all too well, struggling to keep her abilities a secret while helping everyone she can, in any way possible.

[AU: SENIOR YEAR PETER PARKER] [MATURE CONTENT]

Word count: 2, 060

CASE FILE

Name: Y/N L/N

Age: 18.

Gender: Female.

Appearance: (Y/HC) (Y/EC) (Y/H) (Y/W)

Mother: deceased

Father: alive

Emotional stability: unknown

Abilities: FULL EXTENT UNDISCOVERED

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EXTRA INFORMATION: Little is know about natural Healing. Mutation is rare and few individuals have been found to have the ability.

Also called:

1. Regeneration

2. Power touch

3. Mend

4. Recovery

Basic Level: User can do anything that normal healing would do, simply accelerated.

Can heal minor wounds such as cuts, bruises and light burns. Recovering from minor to moderate blood loss. Critical wounds such as loss of limbs or damaged nerves and internal organs cannot be healed, but wounds can be closed. Cells that are fatally damaged, such as by burning, cannot be healed, resulting in permanent scarring.

Limitations: Healing may not be permanent.

May be limited to healing either oneself or others.

May only be able to heal non-fatal wounds.

May have limited range, including touch only

May be limited to healing only certain types of wounds or diseases.

May not work on permanent injuries or abnormal injuries that cannot be treated.

May not occur automatically, thus preventing the users from healing injuries by reflex.

May be painful for the recipient of the healing.

Side effects:

User may feel distracted, helpless, and desolate for short periods of time. Feeling as if they are searching for something they will never find.

User may experience blackouts when overworked.

User might fall ill after trying to heal something they can't.

User might die from fatigue.

User may not even know the power they are capable of.

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CHAPTER 01: LEFT IN THE SNOW

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The bright lights of Queens illuminated the water. Normally, the city would be buzzing with excitement, but all Y/N could hear were the waves crashing against the shore.

Her legs were hanging over the dock, feet swaying back and fourth as she mapped out which block to walk down. It was 2am, and she was shivering.

The nighttime breeze licked the waves, sending chills down her spine. Yet it didn't bother her, for she did this almost every night. In the exact same place, at the exact same time, where no one would be looking for her.

But doing what she did required her to renounce sleep and comfort. She sacrificed the little things to ensure the safety of others. She knew she was destined to do this, whether people recognized it or not.

Y/N pulled the scarf tighter around her neck and stood up. She tucked her phone inside her pocket and began to run. Her fingers tingled with warmth, knowing It was time. She could feel the helplessness drifting through the air.

The girl darted through the park and across the deserted street. Not even the police were patrolling at this hour. She was only able to escape because her father was a surgeon that worked late into the night.

After racing down a few blocks, she heard the first whimper echo through an alleyway. Turning sharply, Y/N turned down the street and hid, masked in the shadows.

She rested against the bricks, peaking around the corner to watch the situation unfold.

The sounds she heard were heartbreaking. With each kick, she could feel the dog’s life force fading into the abyss. The man who was kicking the animal relentlessly, laughed wickedly at its torment.

Y/N’s stomach wrenched when she noticed the infamous rose tattoo engraved on his forearm.

The Thorns were the city's leading gang in human sex trafficking and dog fighting. Queens was sadly known for the underground organizations. The two seemed completely different, but in this city, they went hand in hand.

Each member had a rose and thorns tattooed visibly on their bodies for the public to see. And most of them watched dog fights for fun, not giving a damn what happened to the animals afterward.

Y/N was the one who picked their bludgeoned bodies off the street.

She knew exactly how they did their business, in a back-end "spa" just a few blocks down. Everyone in the city knew it, even the police. But for some reason they turned a blind eye, which allowed for the actions this man was committing to unfold.

The girl was infuriated. The man was holding a beer bottle, pausing every few seconds to take a swig.

"Useless." He muttered before tipping the bottom up and finishing it off. "You made me lose hundreds--"

In the blink of an eye, his foot slammed against the dog's chest. Lelia barely had a moment to process what was happening.

The animal fell back with a cry, and this time it stayed down.

The girl winced, knowing if he kicked the dog again, that it would fall past the point of regeneration. She covered her mouth as blood started to drip onto the pavement.

Y/N was ready to step in, her heart hammering in her chest.

But the man seemed to be finished, satisfied with the damage he inflicted on the already helpless creature. He tossed his beer bottle into a pile of snow, turning on his heels. He walked towards her, flexing his hand. She could see it was already bruising.

She moved backwards into the darkness, not wanting to be seen.

Unfortunately for her, she wasn't aware of the snow bank behind her. Y/N's heel crunched loudly as her weight shifted. She swallowed hard after the man's footsteps halted.

"Who's there?" He grunted, the tone in his voice hinting at his intoxication. She clenched her fists, hoping she would stand a chance against this villain. Usually she was able to avoid this kind of confrontation, but tonight something seemed off. There was an unfamiliar malice hanging in the air.

Her eyes widened as the man turned the corner, becoming visible under the lamplight. From that angle, she was completely exposed. She cursed under her breath, there was no use hiding anymore.

Y/N walked out from the shadows, trying to keep her cool and remind herself there was a life on the line. She couldn't let the dog die.

"Who the hell are you?" He looked disgusted, eyes narrowing at Y/N as she moved towards the alley. "Were you watching me?"

"Don't mind me." She pleaded, pulling up her hood to cover her face. "I wont tell anyone, just keep walking."

But fate had other plans. She knew she was asking too much of a criminal, for their code was unbreakable.

The man advanced quickly, and Y/N barely dodged his grip. She backed up in surprise, holding her stance with shaking legs. She was zero percent confident in her combat skills.

"Don't touch me!" She managed to hiss.

The stranger looked at her menacingly. She could tell he didn't like to be ordered around by a female.

"You shouldn't be in this part of town." He growled, a smirk appearing on his face shortly after the sentence was uttered. He rolled up his sweatshirt sleeves, trying to intimidate her. This was his territory.

Y/N's adrenaline started to pump wildly, she was frightened beyond belief. "Stay away.." She warned one last time, planting her feet down, ready for any punch he was about to throw at her. Y/N may not be good in combat, but she knew enough to defend herself. Wandering around New York this late at night, she was bound to run into people like him. She would be an idiot to not be prepared.

But of course he didn't listen, and instead, flung his fist directly at her face.

She ducked miraculously, watching him stumble to the side from his drunkenness. She used the split second of exposure to uppercut his jaw.

His head jerked back, and he crumpled to the ground. The stranger groaned loudly, his jaw knocked out of place.

Y/N breathed heavily, gritting her teeth as pain seared across her hand. She used the other to quickly relieve herself from the discomfort. Flexing it again for confirmation, she managed to smile. One perk of her strange ability was that she had the advantage to mend her wounds.

She turned her attention back to the man. He was on his hands and knees, beginning to push himself up from the ground. Y/N raised her foot and cracked it down on the top of his head as hard as she could.

He fell back to the pavement, knocked out cold. She hated to inflict pain on others, but it wasn't like this man had any reminisce of good inside him. She knew exactly what he was apart of, and what he would do to her if he could.

Y/N jumped over his limp body and rushed over to the injured animal.

The grey pit bull was in the same position the man had left it. It was still breathing, but barely. She might be too late.

"No... stay with me..." She reached her hands out and pressed them softly against its chest. Her hopes lifted as the pulse began to beat harder in response to her touch. Y/N slipped her bag off her shoulders and set the bag beside her. It was loaded with medical equipment, just in case she wasn't strong enough.

The girl rested her hands back onto the pit bull, and they burned as she closed her eyes. She poured all her emotions into the regeneration, gasping loudly as a current of power surged through her. It was indescribable. Her arms were shaking as the same pale, golden light, swirled in and around the wounds, assisting her in the healing process. She could sense the bones mending, and the muscles rejuvenating. Joy pulsed through her veins at this achievement, she was only able to create this level of mending two other times before.

But soon, the power was too much too handle, and Y/N started to feel exhausted. Sweat dripped along her forehead despite the chilling temperature. The girl worked flawlessly, running her fingers gently along the last few cuts, closing them with little effort.

She slumped forward in fatigue, the golden light vanishing into thin air.

And the alley was dark again. She took the pain away.

On her knees, the girl held her hands in front of her. She was shocked by the improvement. Normally, she couldn't completely heal internal wounds, but she felt it happen.

Ecstatic, Y/N glanced down at the animal. She examined it with an intense gaze, noticing that its ear was still gone. It looked like it had been bitten off previously.

Shuddering, she thumbed over the scar, knowing this dog was involved in a fighting ring.

She held the rest of its ear between her fingertips, wishing she could heal it permanently, but that idea was far fetched. She wasn't that powerful, and would probably never be.

"I’m sorry this happened to you." She whispered softly, her breath misting into the cold winter air. No animal deserved this kind of treatment.

The dog stirred, eyes suddenly snapping open.

Y/N jumped back in defense, still on alert from the previous attack.

Her body was tense as she watched the dog slowly lift itself off the ground, still in a daze from the near death experience.

"It's okay." She smiled, relaxing her shoulders when she realized the dog meant her no harm. She wondered if it was smart enough to comprehend that she was the one who saved it.

Y/N bent back down to the dog’s level, and pulled out a collar and leash. "I wish I could do more for you." She sighed, knowing the shelter was the last place this poor animal deserved to go. She wished she could take it home with her, but that would be impossible. Her father would never allow it.

Standing to her full height, Y/N turned to check on the intoxicated man. He was still unconscious, and she intended to keep it that way. "Let's go." She urged the dog.

Each second she spent there was unsettling.

Y/N and the pit bull walked together in a respectable silence until they reached the animal shelter. She gently coaxed the animal inside the rescue enclosure, leaving the leash and collar with it. She quickly scribbled a note and left it on the box.

The people who worked at this shelter must recognize her handwriting by now, regarding the dozen of other dogs she had left inside. Y/N smiled sadly at the thought, hoping she was making an actual difference, hoping each dog she saved had found the loving home it deserved.

The girl really did feel guilty for leaving it alone, but that was also part of the job. She couldn't take every animal she saved home.

"You'll have a better chance at life here." She smiled sadly, scratching it's head lovingly. "You just have to be nice, promise me that okay?"

She held her hand out and the dog licked her. She took it as a thank you.

Y/N stared up at the sky, exhaling loudly as she noticed the sun peaking over the horizon.

Her father would be home soon, and if she wasn't asleep by then... well, let's just say that wouldn't be good.

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thank you for reading if you did! This will be a 12 part series so let me know if you’d like to be apart of a tag list!

#peter parker x reader #peter parker #peter parker fanfiction #marvel #peter parker imagine

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merakiaes · 5 years

Text

Back Together - John Shelby

Pairing: John Shelby x reader

Requested: Yes.

Prompts: None.

Warnings/notes: As requested, a part two to “Far Beyond Salvation” with a happy ending. Holy shit this turned out a lot longer than I expected. It’s not proof-read and it’s currently almost 4am so this is probably a mess, might go back and re-write it later. But for now, I hope it’s as good as it is long😂

Wordcount: 6060

Summary: The aftermath of finding John cheating. (Part two of “Far Beyond Salvation”, that you can find here.)

Three and a half weeks had passed since your falling out with John.

You had, like promised, come back to the house and packed your things early the next morning after Polly had given you the clear that the house was empty, and left for Hockley Heath where you had an apartment ready.

It was only half an hour a drive from Small Heath, so splitting the custody of your children didn’t come with too much struggle, coming to an agreement through Polly that you would take turns having the children.

Although, you were fairly certain that John hadn’t partaken in that decision at all because knowing him, he would have objected to anything you suggested out of pure stubbornness, like he had for all the years you’d known him.

Your children didn’t seem to mind the change, enjoying the change of scenery and taking a big liking to your new home. In reality, they were just happy they got to be with their mum.

They weren’t old enough to understand why you and John had split up the way you had, but they were smart enough to figure out that their father was a sore subject for their mother, therefor trying their hardest not to bring him up whenever they were staying with you.

John, however, did nothing to hide the way he was feeling regarding you, crying openly around the house everyday and answering your children honestly when they asked why he was upset, telling them that he fucked up and that missed you.

He hadn’t tried reaching out to you once, and you guessed that was because Polly and Tommy had kept their promises to keep your new address and phone number a secret.

You hadn’t told Arthur where you were moving because despite loving him like your own brother, you knew he had a tendency to talk about information that wasn’t his to share. And with the way he cared for his little brother so, you knew he was bound to break and give him what he wanted if put in that position.

And you couldn’t take that right now. You wouldn’t be able to talk to him, much less look at him, knowing that it would just break you heart all over again.

But no matter how much you tried to mend your shattered heart, things weren’t the same without him. You missed him dearly, the feeling bringing back memories from when he was away at war.

It made you nervous not to be by his side at all times, knowing that he had a knack of getting into trouble. Now, you weren’t there to help him control his recklessness, and God knows what kind of trouble that would get him into.

Polly and Tommy called to check in on you almost every day, purposely leaving out any details about John.

A part of you wanted to hear how he was doing; you wanted to hear if he missed you as much as you missed him. But the bigger part of you, the heartbroken one, couldn’t even bear hearing his name.

The first few days of your split had been the easiest, as anger had pushed most of the heartbreak to the back of your mind at the time.

You’d gone and gotten the divorce papers the second you had settled into your new apartment, filling your name and every other detail about yourself in.

But when the time came to send them to John, as the last thing needed was his signature, that anger had disappeared, and you couldn’t bring yourself to send them.

Instead, you found yourself staring hopelessly at the papers every night, silent tears running down your cheeks as you tried drowning your sorrow and heartbreak in alcohol; the one solution to one’s problems that you had always advised people to stay away from.

And look at you now, so pathetic that you weren’t even able to listen to your own advice.

You were sure that if it hadn’t been for the kids, and Polly checking in on you once or twice every week, you would have been your own downfall by now.

It was around six o’clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday when you were getting ready to go to Small Heath and collect the children from Polly’s house.

When still living back there with John, you would have been up with the children bright and early, feeding them their breakfast and walking them to school to make sure they got there safely.

But now, as you hadn’t gotten around to finding a job yet, you slept through the days until you had something to do. You just couldn’t bring yourself to get out of bed if you didn’t have anything to occupy your racing thoughts with.

Unlike the other days you’d been off to get the children, however, this day turned out quite differently, as no one other than Arthur Shelby was waiting on your doorstep, looking ready to knock on the door when you opened it.

How he’d gotten a hold of your address, you couldn’t quite figure out, as you doubted Polly or Tommy would give it to him, the two of them knowing just as well as you what a big mouth he had.

But nonetheless, you had to invite him inside as he’d already come all this way, inviting him into the kitchen and putting on some tea before stepping away to call and tell Polly you were going to be a little late, to which she promised she’d keep John away from her house for as long as she could.

You thanked her quickly, before going back into the kitchen, finding that Arthur had already helped himself to the tea and poured you a cup as well.

Arthur had wasted no time in starting to speak once you’d sat down, unlike Tommy and Polly, not staying clear from the subject of John, but rather heading right into it.

“He ain’t the same without you, (Y/N).” He spoke to a start, and you didn’t need to ask to know who he was talking about. “He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t talk. All he does is cry and yell, fighting anyone who even dares mention your name. You ‘ave to come home, love. You ‘ave to come home.”

The feelings you’d been trying so hard to push back these past few weeks suddenly came rushing back to the surface, the mention of your husband causing a painful tug at your heart.

But you could only shake your head, swallowing thickly and looking away from his eyes and into your tea.

“I don’t have to do anything.” You whispered. “This is all his doing, not mine. And now he’s dealing with the consequences of his own actions as he should be.”

You tried to sound as sure in yourself as you could, but in truth, you weren’t. You wanted nothing more than to just run back home into John’s arms, but you couldn’t.

“Some people don’t know what they have until it’s gone. He took you for granted, he knows it and he regrets it.”

You turned your head up at that, a glare coming to rest on your face as you swallowed again, desperately trying to keep back the tears.

“What about the ones who do know, then?” You asked. “The ones who never took a damn thing for granted? Who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved most. Who do you reckon has it worse?”

Arthur opened his mouth to answer, but he wasn’t given enough time to get out a single word.

“He’s all that I see when I close my eyes. His pretty eyes, gorgeous lips, cheeky smile and contagious laugh. At first, I think back to when we were sixteen. I see him in a wide field of sunflowers, spinning and singing like a madman with the bottle of whiskey that we’d stolen from you in his hand. We had no problems back then. The only thing that mattered in the world was us.”

You chuckled dryly at the memory, shaking your head and blinking your eyes furiously to rid of the tears that were quickly building up, looking up into the ceiling as you continued.

“That was the night we lost our virginities to each other. It was the second best day of my life, that one, the first one being when we married. But then the vision changes, and all I can see is him with that other woman, in our bed. It’s like it’s etched into my brain. It never goes away. Everything I see and hear and do is a constant reminder of that day and it makes me feel sick, Arthur. It makes me want to throw my guts up. ”

Arthur, who had been listening intently to you the whole time, swallowed as the feeling of sadness filled his body to see you so broken. John wasn’t the only one out of the Shelbys who cared deeply for you. You were practically his little sister, and he hated what John had done to you. But at the same time, he hated seeing his little brother in that state, as well.

“We miss you, too.” He mumbled. “Not just John. Us Shelbys need to stick together, or we won’t be the Shelbys no more.”

You felt bad for being so blunt with him, knowing he’d come all this way just to try to fix things like the good man he was, but in that moment, you couldn’t bring yourself to be anything else.

“Well, I’m not really a Shelby, though, am I?”

Although you felt guilt consume your body from your words, Arthur only shook his head, answering without a doubt in his mind. “Yes, you are. And you always ‘ave been.”

Arthur didn’t stay much longer after that, having said what he came to say and knowing there was nothing more he could do now other than wait for you to hopefully take his words into consideration.

Unbeknownst to him, however, you’d taken them in the second he spoke them. You just tried to push back the truth; that you did, in fact, want to go back.

You waited for another half hour to make sure Arthur was out of your way completely, only then leaving the safety of your home and heading off towards Small Heath.

You could only hope now that Polly had been able to keep John away all this time so that you didn’t have to see him, knowing that he probably would have put up a fight just to be there when you got there so that he could try to plea with you to stay, just like he had when you left.

Luckily, though, as you entered the house and called out for Polly, only the sound of running footsteps and children’s laughter could be heard; not a man in sight.

“Mum!” Your children all yelled out with joy as they came barreling down the hallway, jumping into your arms before you’d even been able to bend down to their height, the sudden force catching you off guard and successfully taking you to the floor.

“Hello, my darlings.” You laughed, hugging them as best as you could with them all climbing onto your body in a not so graceful pile.

Your youngest, Samuel, climbed up to your face with a goofy smile, and despite your uncomfortable position on the wooden floor, you couldn’t do anything other than smile widely at the sight of you beautiful children, having missed them so much despite only having been away from them for a few days.

You grabbed ahold of the back of his head gently, pressing countless of kisses to his face with loud smooching noises, playing along with their enthusiasm.

The young boy instantly started giggling, and your other children, Katie, Laura and Philip, moved up to your face, too, eager to get the same playful treatment.

Polly came walking into the hallway, wiping her hands on a towel that she then used to smack the back of Philip’s back lightly, signaling for all of them to get off of you.

“Alright, you little monsters.” She chuckled, swatting them away. “Let your mother breath.”

“Sorry, aunt Poll.”

Katie, Philip and Laura scurried off of you, and you were instantly able to breath easier without three children shoving their knees and elbows into your abdomen and chest.

You let out a slight sound of struggle as you pushed yourself off the floor with Samuel still in your arms, the three-year old boy clutching onto you for dear life while sucking his thumb.

While his siblings were still very much energetic, the youngest Shelby was tired and seemed ready to sleep. He would, without a doubt, pass out the second you got back to your apartment.

Polly swatted at the three with the towel again, nodding for the kitchen. “Go get your things. It’s late, let’s not keep your mother waiting.”

As the they wasted no time in doing as told, running in the direction of the kitchen, pushing and shoving each other to get there first, Polly walked over to you, bending in and kissing your cheeks in hello, hugging you as good as she could with Samuel getting in the way.

She looked at you, smiling softly. “You alright, love? Arthur didn’t give you too much of a hard time, did he?”

You inwardly cringed as the conversation from the hour before came back into your head, but hurried to put on a smile, shaking your head. “No. Is’ alright, Polls. He meant well.”

“Still.” She shook her head, scoffing slightly while crossing her arms. “He should know better than to put his nose into a woman’s struggles. That he knows nothing about, at that. Finn was the one who let your address spill, remembering it since he came with me to visit you last week. He’s out at the Garrison with the rest of ‘em, but he wanted me to tell you he’s sorry.”

You smiled at the thought of the youngest of the Shelby brothers, adjusting Samuel on your hip slowly. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. He can’t be held responsible for anything that’s going on right now. It’s all on John and me.”

Polly could only scoff at that, a glare coming over her features. “None of this is your fault. At the end of the day, every trouble in this world comes down to the fault of men who can’t keep their cocks in their pants.”

Your smile faltered at her words, your whole body flinching almost as if you had been slapped in the face.

Polly instantly realized her mistake as she saw the look on your face and opened her mouth to apologize, but before she could, the children came running back into the hallway with their tiny bags in hand, dressed in their coats and hats and ready to leave.

No more words were shared between Polly and yourself, the two of you instead putting all the focus on the children, ushering them outside and getting them settled into the car that was waiting right were you left it.

You had just gotten Samuel situated between Laura and Katie, when Finn came running down the street, stopping in front of you and panting, leaning his hand on his knees for support.

Both you and Polly took in his state with confused eyes, but before you could ask, he panted out between breaths. “It’s John. He’s- He’s gotten into a fight again and it’s really bad this time. Arthur went to grab him and he shoved him into the bar, knocked him out cold.”

Your eyes instantly widened at his words, and only then did the loud sounds of crashing and yelling coming from the Garrison down the street reach your ears.

Sharing a look with Polly, you both knew that you were the only one who would be able to fix this.

“Go. I’ll take the children back into the house.” Polly hurried to do exactly what she said she would, the kids all asking what was going on as their mother ran off with their youngest uncle without as much as a doubt in her mind.

The closer you got to the pub, the louder the yelling and banging got, and now you could hear clearly that most of the voices were yelling your husband’s name.

Finn went in before you, rushing into the crowd of people and yelling out over the ruckus. “Get back! (Y/N)’s here!”

You instantly spotted John in the midst of the crowd, punching left and right, along with a few other men you didn’t recognize. Behind him, Tommy was yelling his name and repeatedly trying to pull him away, while Harry and a few other Blinders were over by the bar, tending to Arthur who was laid on the surface.

The people who knew who you were instantly started backing away when they heard your name, watching as you pushed yourself through the crowd with determined steps, your glaring eyes not once leaving the form of your husband.

Said man threw his arm out, aiming for another punch, but stopped right in his tracks when you called out.

“John! John, that’s enough!”

His head instantly whipped in your direction, one hand grasping at the collar of a man’s shirt and the other clenched in the air.

Right then, the entire pub grew quiet, everyone stepping back as quickly as they could when seeing the look in your eyes.

Tommy was finally able to pull his brother off of the man as he was now distracted, the man’s friends, who were also bruised and bloody, instantly hurrying to help him to the other side of the room.

“Thank the fucks…” You heard Arthur mutter from the bar, now awake and pressing a hand to his head in pain while trying to sit up with the help of Harry and Finn.

You wasted no time in marching up to John, taking note of the way his eyes were completely bloodshot and entirely out of it thanks to the large amount of alcohol he’d for sure consumed throughout the night.

Just for that moment, everything was back to the way it used to be, with you getting your insufferable husband out of fights, the heartbreak pushed to the back of your mind as you only had one thing on the agenda; get him home and clean his bleeding wounds.

“(Y/N)…” He mumbled once you reached him, toppling in his step slightly as he tried to meet you halfway. He fell into your arms, his neck landing in your neck and arms holding on to you for dear life, going from a violent mess to a soft mess in just a few seconds.

You stumbled slightly at the sudden addition of weight, only sighing as he started mumbling incoherent words into the skin of your neck, the wetness showing that he was now crying.

You gave Tommy a look over his shoulder, trying your best to keep him upright on your own but failing miserably.

“Help me get him back home, yeah?”

The man wasted no time, coming over to you and taking some of his weight, the two of you being able to exit the pub with the help of Finn opening the door, leaving Arthur and the rest behind to help Harry clean up.

Finn followed you all the way back to the Shelby residence, opening the front door for you. As your entrance was a rather clumsy one with the way John could now barely support his weight with the way he was crying, Polly and the kids instantly noticed your arrival.

You could hear the older woman yelling for Finn from one of the bedrooms, and the boy instantly took off, without a doubt to keep his nieces and nephews inside the room as Polly came out only a second later, taking only one look at John before scoffing.

“Oh, bloody hell. You boys are going to be the death of me.”

“Well, at least it wasn’t my fault this time, eh?” Tommy tried to joke it off, slightly out of breath.

But Polly only glared, hurrying to make way for you to the longue, where you set John down in one of the armchairs.

You and Polly left to get some alcohol for the cuts, along with a bowl of hot water and a sponge, no words shared as you prepared it.

Upon coming back to the room John was in, Tommy met you in the doorway, a cigarette now dangling from between his lips.

He gave you the smallest of smiles, nodding his head. “He’s sobered up a bit now. He’s been crying about you ever since you left so I think seeing you again gave him a bit of a shock. But he’s alright.”

You sighed, rubbing your hand over your face slowly before turning to grab the bottle and bowl from Polly’s hands. “Alright. Thank you, Tommy.”

Nodding, he reached out a hand to pat your shoulder, before brushing past you and taking his aunt with him, leaving you to enter the room by yourself.

The second you stepped inside, John’s eyes moved up from the fire to land on you, widening. He instantly moved to stand up, but you quickly shook your head, going over to him and setting the things down on the table next to him.

“Sit down.” You told him softly, and he did as you said, swallowing thickly and looking at you like you had just come back from the dead.

You pulled up a chair in front of him, all too aware of the way his eyes followed your every move.

You tried your best to push the resurfacing feelings to the back of your head, but when he was looking at you like he’d done when you first fell in love, it was really bloody hard to ignore.

Grabbing the sponge, you dipped it into the bowl of water carefully, wringing it out before turning to John, avoiding his eyes at every cost as you put the sponge to the biggest wound on his forehead.

He hissed at the feeling, visibly tensing and closing his eyes for a brief moment, but he soon got used to the stinging sensation and went right back to staring at you while you worked away at the cuts on his face.

Your heart was beating violently in your chest, and you could feel your whole body tingling at the proximity of the two of you, causing your hand to shake slightly as you moved on to another cut.

All this time you’d been apart, you hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the scene you had walked in on with him and the other woman. This was the sole reason you had been so adamant on avoiding him, fearing it might break your heart even further if you saw him.

But now that you were actually there with him, seated only inches apart with your hand brushing against his face ever so often, the image of him cheating was as good as gone, your mind instead being filled by an overwhelming amount of memories from your life together.

You thought about the first time you met, how small you had all been at that time. You still remembered the way the rock felt under your hands when you were pushed to the ground, the pain in your knuckles when your fist had met John’s face and the way your whole body bubbled with anger as he then proceeded to pull at your ribbons.

You remembered when you had gotten back to Small Heath after being gone for so long, seeing John for the first time in what seemed like forever. Even though you still despised him at the time, you recalled the way you had gotten all giddy inside when seeing how well he’d grown with the time.

You remembered your first kiss down by The Cut, when you had gotten caught in the moment, him on top of you after you’d fallen to the ground together.

You remembered telling your families about the new step in your relationship, how everyone had reacted like they were shocked even though both of you knew they’d known from the start.

You remembered the day you lost your virginities to each other under that big tree in the midst of the sunflowers, how clumsy and awkward it had been as both of you had been too drunk on Arthur’s whiskey to actually finish.

You remembered the day you found out you were pregnant, the day you got married, the day he came back from the war, and the countless of mornings you’d spent in bed with your kids, back when things had still been good.

You remembered everything, every single moment and memory coming back to you in that one single moment, and in some way, that was even worse than remembering John in bed with another woman.

Getting so caught up in your own thoughts, you barely even knew what you were doing anymore, your hand automatically moving the sponge over John’s cuts.

You were only pulled back to reality when he cleared his throat, your eyes for the first time moving to meet his right as he spoke.

“Where are you staying now?”

Your heart instantly skipped a beat at his deep, smooth voice, not noticing until then how much you’d truly missed it. It wasn’t confident as it usually was, instead soft as silk to your ears, a certain hesitation lingering in the tone of it.

Your eyes flickered away from his hurriedly, to focus on the bowl of water.

Following his example, you cleared your throat quietly. “Hockley Heath.”

John flinched under your touch at that, but whether it was from the sponge pressing down on his cut, or the mention of the town you had moved to, you didn’t know.

“I didn’t think you’d gone that far.” He mumbled, eyes falling down to the floor sadly.

You had to bite the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from breaking down into his arms right then and there, the vulnerable look on his face just breaking your heart further.

“It’s only half an hour from here.”

He tensed his jaw, not daring to look back up at you as a new set of tears started burning in his eyes. But despite the way he was trying to hide it, you knew him like you knew the back of your own hand, recognizing the signs of his tensed jaw, fisted hands and slightly trembling body immediately.

“The kids miss their mum.”

You tried to keep a straight face, reaching over to the bowl of water again to rinse the sponge of the blood. “I have them every other week. They see me just as much as they see you.”

“It’s not same when you’re not home, though, is it?”

You wanted to cry at the sound of the slight quiver in his voice, but bit it back.

“Hockley Heath is my home now.”

Never before in your life had you told such a bad lie, not even believing it yourself.

And neither did John, as he finally looked back up at you with a shake of his head. “No, it’s not.” He disagreed, red eyes now glassy with tears and his hand coming up to grasp at your wrist by his face. “Your home is with me, as mine is with you. Please, would you give me another chance?”

Your breath got caught in your throat at the feeling of his fingers against your skin. Your hand was shaking more than ever now, as was your breath, every movement just stilling as you tried to keep your composure.

You wanted to be one of those unphased people and tell him that he should have thought about that before he took another woman into your house, into your bed, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it, or anything else for that matter.

As you felt your walls being torn down more and more for each second passing in his presence, with his fingers holding onto your wrist softly and shooting tingles all the way up your arm, you knew that your brain was quickly losing its battle against your heart.

You had known this certain request would be coming, but now that it actually did, you weren’t ready, your whole body just screaming at you to give in.

You fought it, however, squeezing your eyes shut tightly to keep tears of your own from falling as you caught a glimpse of the tears now running down his cheeks. “Please, don’t.”

But he ignored your silent plea, instead moving in closer and pressing his forehead against yours. You wanted to want to tell him to stop, to step back, but you didn’t, you couldn’t.

“I just really fookin’ miss you, (Y/N).” He cried softly, your heart bleeding at the broken tone of his voice. “I miss you so fookin’ much. I don’t know how to live my life without you by my side. You’ve always been there, for me and the others, I don’t know how to act without you, it’s not the same.”

I know, you wanted to say. But you stayed quiet, just taking a shaky breath as the first tear finally escaped and rolled down your cheek, leaving a wet trail in its wake.

“Aunt Poll and Ada will barely even look at me, Arthur and Tommy give me shit every day. I know I deserve it but it fucking hurts, you know?” He gave a dry chuckle, his voice thick from the tears, “We’re not a family without you. If you could just give me one more chance, I’d spend every day for the rest of my life proving to you how sorry I am.”

You could hear nothing but sincerity in his voice, knowing very well that John rarely showed this kind of emotion and that when he did, it was purely honest.

But you could only shake your head as the heartbreak finally caught up with you, keeping your eyes closed to avoid looking at him as you sobbed, not being able to hold back your feelings anymore.

“I never did anything other than love you, support and be there for you.” You shook your head slightly. “I always put you first, no matter if I needed to take care of myself more. You always came first, because your happiness meant the world to me. And no matter how hard I just want to forget any of this ever happened, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you, John.”

It was the truth. You honestly didn’t know if you would ever be able to see past this and act the same around him again. But what he had said about you being each other’s home was true, and you knew in your heart that you had been away from home for way too long.

John let out a small sound of pain as his crying intensified, his forehead pressing harder against yours and his body starting to shake slightly.

You tried your best to calm yourself, taking a few breaths before opening your eyes to find that he had now closed his as he cried. You cried with him, putting down the sponge and grabbing his face in your hands, not even bothering to dry them off.

He instantly reacted to your touch, leaning into your hand moving his hands up to your wrists.

“But I’m willing try.” You spoke finally, completing your previous sentence.

To this, he let out another small cry, but this time out of relief, his eyes slowly opening and giving you the most heart wrenching of looks.

“You mean you’re coming home?” He breathed heavily, eyes filled with doubt, fearing that he’d misunderstood the whole situation. But then you nodded, and his body instantly flushed with relief.

“I’m coming home.”

He let out a teary laugh, hands moving from your wrists to the sides of your face to pull you even closer, his eyes squeezing shut at the tears kept falling, but now out of happiness rather than sadness.

You kept crying with him, too caught up in the moment to find the control in yourself to stop. The two of you sat in silence for only a short moment, just basking in each other’s company and having a heart-felt moment.

When you opened your eyes again, the tears had stopped falling, but your faces were still wet and warm.

John looked at you desperately, breathing heavily and asking in a mere whisper. “Can I kiss you?”

You gave him a hesitant look, faltering for a moment. “John…”

“Please.” He hurried, closing his eyes again. “It’s been so long since I felt your touch and I know that it’s my own fault. I just… I need to feel you. Please.”

Your heart jerked in your chest. Your mind was telling you no, to not let in so easily, but your heart was telling you the opposite. You found yourself nodding only a second later. “Alright.”

Without opening his eyes, he stayed like that for a few seconds, with his forehead pressed to yours, thumbs caressing the wetness of your cheeks, as if he was memorizing the way you looked and felt.

And then he slowly brought you closer, and before you knew it, his lips were pressed to yours, so hesitant, soft and gentle that it felt like you were fifteen again, down by The Cut, sprawled out on the muddy ground together as you shared your first kiss.

From that day forward, John kept his promise, showing you each and every day how much he appreciated you and everything you did for him.

It started with the little things, never breaking his promises, not being late whenever you had something planned, always calling home to let you know if something came up at the Betting Shop.

He never lied, not even a single white lie leaving his lips for the rest of the future.

The first year, you fought a lot. You fought all the time. But the fights were never really about him staying late at work, getting too drunk at the Garrison or forgetting to change the bedsheets whenever one of the kids wet the bed. It was always about the cheating.

It came back to you when you least expected it, no matter how hard you tried not thinking about it, and he would beg for your forgiveness every time something like this went down.

Sorry might have worked when a mistake was made, but not when trust was broken. Forgiving was easy, but forgetting and trusting again was hard, and it took time.

Despite knowing how much he truly regretted it, you would sometimes fall back into that hole of betrayal and hurt and take it out on him.

But he was patient. He was always patient, all the way into the end. And in the end, you ended up getting over it completely, growing to trust John to the fullest once again.

After everything that had gone down, John Shelby never as much as looked at another woman again, if not her eyes when having a conversation. But even then, he would tell you afterwards how much he loved you, showing you every day, for the rest of your lives, how much you really meant to him.

Everyone had gotten what they wanted.

The Shelbys got their brother and sister-in-law back, happy and as in love as always, just the way they wanted them. The children got their parents back, as a team, together as one. John got you back, and you, you ended up getting back the man you had fallen in love with all those years ago.

You got him back the way he had been before the war and all the death, before the Peaky Blinders, and before everything else; the real John, the one who acted like the giant, cuddly teddy bear with an abnormally big mouth, figuratively speaking.

Just the way you loved him.

#john shelby #john shelby x reader #john shelby imagine #peaky blinder headcanon #peaky blinders #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinder fanfic #peaky blinder imagine #tommy shelby #finn shelby #arthur shelby #polly gray #michael gray

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bitter-sweet-farmgirl · 3 years

Text

Heal the Broken

OC gave her all to Thorin when they were in a relationship together, but when he suddenly moves on from her, she tries to learn to cope with a broken heart.

MASTERLIST

OC(s) Used: Estelle

Word Count: 2,224

Warning(s): Insinuations

Translation(s): None

Inspired by 'Scars: Neon Feather Remix' by TobyMac, Feat. Sarah Reeves.

~~~

Had you on my mind, I

Had a little time, I

Know we kinda overdue

I walked through the gardens, feeling the last rays of the dying sun caress my skin as I stood in it's orange light. The earth cooled as night fell and the air became chilly, causing me to shiver and wish I had worn something more, substantial as the sun dipped below the horizon.

All I could think about was the tall, long dark-haired, stony, yet kind-hearted, deep voiced, handsome, and strong dwarf I was in love with. He was a constant presence on my mind, no matter the hour or activity I was involved in.

But we hadn't spoken in days. I had passed by him in the hallways of Erebor, but the royal home of Dwarves had truly lived up to its other name of 'The Lonely Mountain' as Thorin ignored me. We had been so in love only a few days ago. But we just stopped talking. Something happened. We argued for the first time in several months.

Turnin' back the pages

To our younger days,

yeah

It made me think of when we had first met, of when we'd first begun courting. We had been so young and naive then. We'd thought that all we needed was love, that love solved everything. We hadn't realized what problems love brought with it when it entered a person's heart and bound them to another person.

I can still imagine you

Boomin' like the thunder

Chasin' life with wonder

With fire that could light a room

I could still see him, walking into a room where I was. He had a presence that was unignorable. His voice rumbled and rolled like the thunder in the rain showers that fell and watered the earth

during the summer. It was so deep and sexy. When he was alone with me, his voice grew even lower, into the tone he reserved for those he loved.

We had chased after life together, exploring everything it offered and trying new things. I could still see the smirk he'd worn after I'd made my first shirt of mail. It had been a bit, well, uneven. I'd been so proud of it until I'd seen what he had made. It was a silver necklace, inlaid with a blue crystal. Utterly perfect.

Even though Thorin was sometimes portrayed as unfeeling, I knew otherwise. He had a fire within him, a passion that never ran dry. After he came back from extended leaves required by his Kingship, he would come to my apartments and kiss me senseless, longing invading his heart for me.

And his walk... My heart would pound as I saw him swagger into the room. His hips would swing about in the most alluring ways.

In those days when we both attended court events, he would walk into the room and just stare at me, and I could feel his gaze even when my back was to him. He brought fire to me, wherever we were, and there were days when I wanted nothing but him.

Bottom kinda fell out

Waited for the rebound

But you never made a move

And then everything changed. We argued, and grew apart. Where there had once been an unbreakable bond, there was only fragments that threatened to break at any given moment. I thought it was just a phase we would go through, that Thorin would miss me and come back.

But he never did. Months went by and he wouldn't even glance at me. It hurt, to see him laugh at something someone else said, to know that he didn't even think of me anymore. That he didn't desire me like he used to.

When life cuts so deep

Try and remember

So I tried to forget him, but it just cut deeper. I could never look for another Dwarrow because none were like him. And I only wanted him. Everyone else lacked something that Thorin had.

I tried to be strong and bear it, but there were days when it just became too much, having to watch him flirt with another Dwarrowdame, and see that smile that he'd reserved only for me being given to another woman.

Then I found an unexpected comfort in someone I'd never dreamed of being able to help.

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

Thranduil saw my hurt when I visited his kingdom one day, and he drew me aside to ask what had happened. He knew the feelings I tried to hide, and could see hurt in my eyes. Hurt he'd once felt.

He had scars in the same places as me. The same parts of his heart had been broken and never mended. Life had treated us the same, even though we were of two different races.

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

He told me of the days when his wife had still lived, of how broken he'd been when she'd passed on. I could see tears in his eyes as he described her, of how she'd laugh over the silliest of things, of how her smile would brighten his darkest days.

Another unexpected person also offered his help. Legolas told of the day his wife had miscarried the child they'd so dearly wanted after so many centuries of failure.

So, lift your head, lift your head

Lift your head to where your help comes from

They helped me bear my burden, and see that someday good would come out of this suffering. That one day I would look back on this and see the good in it. Perhaps it was Mahal's way of preparing me for some higher calling, to be able to help others in the same situation.

You, you're are not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

I would bear the scars as long as I lived, and it still hurt to see Thorin taking another maid out for a walk in the gardens when I had known such love and devotion from him before. But what was life without heartbreak? I had known hurt before, when my mother had passed onto the halls of Aule.

Life ain't got no sequel

We all broken people

I would have only one chance here, and I wanted to make the best of it. I began to see the broken pieces in other people, and tried to help them mend them if I could. Everyone had some hurt that had never healed, and still burned within them, causing pain.

The only road to found is lost

Oversimplifying

Ain't no shame in trying

As I continued walking my path in life, I found that my heart was healing, that I was overcoming my loss. That after wandering through the dark for so many years, I finally knew my calling. I had tried, and I was stronger than before.

Passion never counts the cost

Now you won't take my phone calls

You won't text me back at all

When I'd first fallen for Thorin, I'd never thought about what would happen if we had grown apart. What would happen if I gave him all, and then he let me down. My passion for him had overridden my common sense, and I'd gotten hurt, badly.

I just wanna see you

I can't stand to see you gone

I still wanted to see him, to talk with him, and say I still loved him. It was impossible for me to forget my love for him. It still hurt that he never came to see me anymore. It was like there was a massive void in my life. I had never realized just how big a part he played.

Yesterday I missed you

Yesterday I played your song

Tears fell as I plucked the strings of the harp, deeper tones echoing through the air as I played a song I'd written for Thorin. There was deep tones, and then a happier, wild tune that compelled the listener to tap their foot and dance along. It was my way of describing him within my music. I rarely played the song, it brought up memories that made me miss him even more.

I'm oversimplifying

I just tried to do small tasks everyday, to pull myself from the hole I kept trying to push myself into so I could just fade away and escape from the hurt I felt constantly. Everyone told me to push through it, but I couldn't. I only functioned when I simplified.

But try and remember

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

Thranduil was always trying to console me, even on the days I tried to push him away. He knew what I felt on a daily basis, knew which scars hurt on what day, after what event. He knew all too well how easily the scars formed.

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

So, lift your head, lift your head

Lift your head to where your help comes from

Now, more than ever I relied on Mahal for help. I didn't understand why he had given me this tribulation, but it was for a reason.

There come a day when I felt a tug to be light-hearted through my pain. I tried, I tried so hard, but it felt so unfamiliar, so wrong that I wanted to shy away. But there was still that gentle, loving tug on my heart, telling me to cheer up, that I tried again.

You, you're are not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

Scars come, scars come, oh, scars come

Oh, scars come with livin'

Scars come, scars come, oh, scars come

Oh, scars come with livin'It doesn't matter who you are

I'd learned through it all, that everyone had scars, no matter their age or position, they'd all felt hurt that haunted them, that followed them around and tried to push them down on a daily basis.

Thranduil had scars, both in physical and emotional form, and there he was, governing a kingdom and raising a son all at the same time. Although I knew that he still hurt greatly from the death of his wife; she had been his most prized, best loved, and her loss broke him.

This world gon' leave some battle scars

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (ooh)You, You're not alone

I was a wiser person today than I was yesterday, and the years before. I knew that everyone had scars from their own personal battles. No one could say they didn't have scars and not be lying. I would be lying if I said I had never been hurt by Thorin's leaving. But I was not alone.

I had Thranduil, and Mahal. Mahal cared so deeply for me, and his love was helping me through this battle in my life. With his help, I would make it through this.

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

You, you're not alone, you're not alone

So lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (head up)

To where your help comes from

Lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (head up, head up)

Oh, scars come with livin'

Lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (lift your head, lift your head, lift your hea-hea-head)

To where your help comes from

Lift your head up (scars come,

scars come)(lift your head, lift your head, lift your head)

Every day I would wake up with dread at facing a new day, a new experience. The unknown. But Mahal had worked in my heart, and was helping me heal, a little bit at a time. He was helping me, giving me the strength and fatherly love I needed right now.

Oh, scars come with livin'

Lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (head up, head up)It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

Lift your head up (scars come,

scars come) (lift your head, lift your head, lift your head)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars

I had become secure with who I was, and it no longer hurt me to see Thorin with his current betrothed. Mahal was the only one I bowed to, the only one who truly knew my pain and had helped heal it. I could walk around with a smile on my face, feeling a true joy spark within me.

Watching the orange sphere begin to settle lower on the horizion, I smiled, feeling immense gratitude towards Mahal. He was my King, the only King I would call mine. He was my father. He had such divine power that I never dreamed of. Power that had helped heal a broken heart and make it whole again.

He was the true King.

#Thorin #songfic #the hobbit #thranduil #mirkwood #elves #healing the broken #heal the broken #broken heart #thorin x oc #angst #deep angst #fanfic #fanfiction

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heavenly-sadness · 3 years

Text

Letting go hurts. Admitting defeat hurts. Forcing yourself to realize truths you don’t want to hear hurts. Being the one more invested, in love, committed, that hurts. But realizing it, that is what hurts the most.

I feel like emotionally I’ve set up some kind of boundary. I really wanted to have him to kind of lean on. For him to have the quest to give me the attention and love that I couldn’t give myself. I wanted him to be the one telling me that I was worth something, that someone I loved valued me - because if that person did, then maybe so could I? I think the feelings of sorrow and loneliness was actually me realizing that it just wasn’t enough. Him, on the other side of the planet, wasn’t enough for me to fall in love with myself. I have been so sad and I have shed so many, many tears. I have had my stomach aching first thing in the morning. I have had my mind racing - seeing the world crash before me were he to one day decide he no longer would want me. I think all of that sadness kind of did something to me. I feel like I suddenly realized things I tried to tell myself before. All the amazing feelings, memories and experiences with this person - was with one person on the planet. Imagine all the other amazing feelings and experiences waiting in that endless sea of other beautiful people. No matter how hard I’ve tried to tell myself that before I just haven’t been susceptible to it. The heartbreak of losing the person I felt I had was too great to even consider what was still left to experience. The world is huge and can offer so much. I found him, right? I thought I'd never fall in love again, or to have the honor of someone loving me. But I did, and he did too. He is just one person, out of plenty more. We’ve experienced such crazy and amazing things. I wrote him a letter with the words ”you gave me the love story I have read about in romance novels” once. To this day I really have to stand by those words. He really did. He gave me a love story more fiery and passionate than I thought could be found in the real world.

He held my hand every second he could. No matter if it was sweaty. He protected me in the subway, holding his arms around me were someone to knock into me. He told me I was beautiful, every single time we met. He carried my bag, even when I used to slap his arm and tell him he was dorky for doing it. He took me any place I wanted to go. One week into knowing me he surprised me with my two favorite dishes and a cake to celebrate my birthday since he couldn’t be with me on the day itself. He gave me late night deep talks in cozy bars. He gave me steamy cab-rides home. He took a detour half way across town to be able to see me for 15 minutes before he had to take the last train. He bought me food, even when I asked him not to, because he wanted to. He introduced me to his neighbors, to the man owning his favorite restaurant, to his friends. He always asked me how I had slept the night before. He used to send me texts to check up on me during the day. He gave me my dream trip to the most beautiful city by the sea. He gave me the sunday morning slowly waking up for hours with the sun slowly creeping in through the curtains of the room on the 70th floor of the hotel. He gave me soft kisses on my nose when I was lying on his chest while he was working. He stroked my leg even when he didn’t think about it. He made me laugh until I couldn’t breathe. He would laugh at me, that kind of laugh you can’t control, making me feel like I was funny. He sometimes looked at me in that special way after a deep conversation, to finally say ”you impress me every day”. One time we had gone a week without seeing each other and we were lying in his bed, we both started laughing at something to the point of it being hard to talk until we both finally took a deep breath and in that same breath we both said ”I have really missed you”. That was, and still is, so special to me. He did all the things I would cringe at others doing. He took my straw out of the paper and put it in my soda and even folded it so I could drink it easier. He sung me serenades. He did such dorky, cringe-worthy, lovey-dovey things. He followed me to the airport. He was by my side until a gate separated us. He held my eyes until our gazes didn’t meet anymore. And all of this, was without asking him to be that way. All of this being things I have wanted since I first read of love. All of this being things I thought only happened in movies. He gave me the validation that a love like that exists. He gave me so many happy memories.

We had so many sides that were like made for each other, that were so good. We shared most of the same humor. We both impressed each other. We both loved food and sex. We both loved singing. We both loved adventure. We both loved life.

That being said, we had equally as many sides that just crashed completely. Some of them being the same toxic traits we shared. We were both so incredibly stubborn. So incredibly proud. Neither one of us wanted to be the first one to apologize. And when two people go around both thinking they deserve an apology it get’s pretty difficult to solve almost anything.

He was immature. He could almost never argue in a ”sensible” way and he hated when he thought I was being ”smart” or ”logical” during an argument. To be honest I never knew what he meant. How else would you solve a conflict? He would sometime answer my text messages with ”ok” just to piss me off. And he would succeed every time. He liked playing these power games, where he would just take away a bit of his love if he was mad. He would get pretty mean and tell me hurtful things when he was mad at me. He graded his love for me and more than once he would imply that I loved him more than he loved me. I think I was too stuck in the good fairy-tale memories to be able to see the toxicity for what it was rather than become a needy heroin-addict craving more shots, which is what I became. For some reason I fully believed that my world as I knew it would come crashing down if he were to decide to take away this precious love he gave me. But how precious was it? He got mad at me a lot. He got jealous, even though he still kept a girl he used to sleep with as one of his best friends. He never wanted to listen to me explain misunderstandings. It was almost like he didn’t want to solve fights. He would get annoyed when we didn’t share the same opinion instead of trying to see my side of the story. He would criticize what I posted on my social media leaving messages like ”geez, someone needs fucking attention”. I posted my belly while tanning and he said he didn’t know me anymore. He actually even said he wanted to break up with me because of it. He ripped my selfconfidence apart to the point not even tears wanted my company. Turns out that it’s much harder to cry without tears than with them. He slowly became darker. Like a darkness from within spreading inside him, a little more noticeable each fight. That time, with the picture, it became more visible than before. I could almost see the dark thing behind him, now fully present, whisper things in his ear. He became emotionabusive. Had he been next to me, and not on the other side of the earth, I am pretty sure that he would’ve hit me. The tone became threatening, saying he should let me go because I apparently was so much of an attention whore that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. No matter how I tried to explain that it was all a mistake and that I wasn’t seeking anyone else’s attention but his, he was stuck in his threat of ”letting me go”. I almost wanted him to. Because at that time, even in the moment, I felt that it was incredibly unhealthy. I asked him what he wanted me to do - and to not post anything on social media was the response. I told him I was sorry and that I loved him and his reply was ”I don’t care if you love me less as long as you learn to fucking listen to what I am telling you”. Controlling, jealous and demanding. The traits that didn’t fit into my little fairytale.

That night I realized I felt happier on the days when we didn’t speak. I realized my confidence was higher the days we didn’t speak. I realized he was in fact not adding to my self worth at all, he was stripping me of what little worth I thought I had. Again, he was using my pure heart against me. He used my love, and his lack of it, meticulously. Like a hockey team during power play. Holding me over the fire until I squirmed the way he wanted me to, then he would retract me from it just to later put me back over again. Saying ”I want to let you go” having me answer with ”I don’t want this. I love you. But if this is truly what you want, that would break my heart, but then that’s it.” to just reply with ”Oh, so you are not even gonna fight for it. Fine then that’s it”. He was playing rat and mouse. Breaking me down til I was mentally, emotionally and physically on my knees just begging him to not stop talking to me. Even then he had to add ”I wish I could tell you that I love you right now”. But noticing I was so broken, to mend the bruises he added ”I will love you”, to somehow give me hope I guess. As if love was an on/off switch.

I have never before in my life found myself in an abusive relationship. He had showed me tendencies during the fairytale-play but never to this extent. I guess this is how it works for everyone. They wait until you are so emotionally hooked that you would stay through whatever. And I did.

#toxic relationship #toxic ex #iwritewhenimsad #breakup #controlling #love hurts

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1dfangirls35 · 4 years

Text

Voir Dire (N.H.)

A fake dating OU about contracts, soulmates and risking it all for love

Masterlist // Tell Me What You Think!

twenty

Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months. And soon, Niall's name no longer flashed across Kelsey's screen.

Kelsey wanted to feel relieved that the temptation was no longer there. That she wouldn't have to feel a shockwave through her body every time her notifications brought up his number. She knew that was what she needed. She needed to forget about him. But a part of her longed for the reminders that even after she'd broken his heart, he was still thinking about her. Because it was those messages that had reminded her that she wasn't the only one that couldn't move on.

Soon, Kelsey locked any thoughts of Niall deep in the back of her mind. If she didn't think about him she didn't miss him. She didn't wonder what might have happened had she chosen not to sign that paper. She didn't wonder if she had made the biggest mistake of her life.

She had been more successful at keeping her Niall thoughts at bay than she thought she would be- apart from when a video of Niall's smashed Range Rover came across the Inside Edition episode Becca happened to be watching one night. When Kelsey saw that her heart had dropped in her chest, and all she wanted, more than anything, was to pick up her phone and make sure he was okay. All she wanted was to snuggle up next to him, and nurse him back to health and spend a week just watching movies. But she couldn't do that. She couldn't do any of that. And instead she had to spend hours that night searching the internet for the news that she so desperately needed to hear. That he was okay.

So when she caught Niall's icy blue eyes gazing at her from a glossy magazine cover in the grocery store checkout line, she tried to ignore it.

She tried to pretend that it was the face of anyone else. Anyone but the man that despite her best efforts still had a grip on her heart. But she couldn't bring her eyes away, because there on the cover was a picture of Niall and Krystal, and one word in big bold white letters that made Kelsey's stomach drop. Baby.

Kelsey felt her palms begin to sweat, her heart begin to race, and the taste of bile climb up her throat. Yes, she and Niall had been over for a few months. But only a few- well four if you wanted to be exact.

Four months and he was already having a baby with her? Really?

Meanwhile, Kelsey couldn't even think about dating. She couldn't even look at a guy without thinking of the one that got away- or more accurately, the one that she let go of.

Kelsey wanted to believe that this was all just another publicity stunt. She knew the ends that Capitol Records would go to to get what they wanted. It wouldn't be that far-fetched, a pregnancy to keep the romance narrative going. But then she began to think about why Niall would need more publicity in the first place. The album was out, the tour was announced, there was absolutely no reason that the label would need this kind of attention from the two of them. In fact, Kelsey had thought that perhaps by now Niall and Krystal would be done. The conditions of their contract fulfilled, their relationship no more.

Clearly Kelsey had everything wrong -especially Niall.

"Did you want one of those ma'am?" the cashier, who looked like he was all but about twelve years old asked, gesturing towards the glossy piece of tabloid that Kelsey somehow now held in her hand. Did she want one? Was he serious?

"I don't buy trash," Kelsey snapped, quickly attempting to shove the magazine back into the slot where it came from. She used a bit too much force and instead of the offending piece of what could barely be called journalism returning to its spot on the shelf, several more magazines fell to floor, as if they were taunting her.

"God dammit Niall," Kelsey muttered a little too loudly. The cashier looked at her with concerned eyes, obviously wondering what on earth had caused the crazy woman in front of him to lash out at a stack of magazines.

"I'm sorry, I'll.." Kelsey began, bending down to try and pick up some of the mess she had made.

"Ma'am really it's fine we'll get them," the kid said, flashing his best 'you've already made a mess please don't make it worse' eyes. Kelsey suceded, reaching into her black Micheal Kors to pull out her wallet. "Your total is 32.59," the cashier stated as Kelsey slid her card into the chip reader. It's only as she held it there that she realizes her hand is trembling.

The second she loaded her groceries in the car, slamming the trunk with a forceful thud, she collapsed into the front seat, her body crumbling into the steering wheel. It was then that the sobs took over- slow at first then quickly increasing to a rate that made even breathing difficult. She felt the tears begin to rush down her face, leaving watery track marks down the front of her cheeks. Kelsey didn't have to look into the rear view mirror to know that her eyeliner was now displaced into a raccoon eye formation.

Kelsey didn't even know why she was crying. She was the one that had gotten them in this mess hadn't she? She'd been the one to sign that stupid piece of paper, the one that signed away quite possibly the love of her life. Had her future been worth it? Was this heartbreak worth pursuing her dream as a lawyer?

She needed to talk to someone- anyone. But she soon realized that there is only one person she can possibly talk to. The only person that she'd broken the non-disclosure agreement for was Becca. And Becca was five hours away in Los Angeles, while Kelsey was at Stanford all alone.

Becca picked up on the first ring. "Kels?" the concern in her voice makes Kelsey assume that she'd likely already seen the news. Of course she had, Becca was a TMZ junkie. Kelsey wondered why Becca hadn't sent her at least some warning about this. Maybe then she wouldn't have looked like such an idiot in the store. But of course Becca hadn't said anything, Kelsey had explicitly told her to keep all entertainment news related to Niall to herself.

"Did you see?" Kelsey hiccupped, her sobs making the words nearly incomprehensible.

"Yes," Becca replied softly. "Where are you Kels? Are you okay?"

Kelsey paused for moment. "Not really. I'm in the supermarket parking lot. Made a damn fool of myself with the magazines." She inhaled deeply, "I wish you were here."

"I'll be there soon. I'm already on my way," Becca said, and it's only then that Kelsey notices her voice is distorted from the Bluetooth of her car speaker.

"But Becca, it's a Tuesday night and it's a five hour drive," Kelsey began to protest.

"Kels," Becca interrupted before Kelsey can argue any further. "It's only two more hours now. Get home safely, I'll be there soon."

Kelsey barely heard Becca enter her apartment two hours later. Without speaking her friend immediately climbed onto the grey plush bedspread next to her, wrapping her arms around her. Kelsey rested her tear-stricken face against Becca's shoulder, as Becca softly ran her finger through Kelsey's hair, still not saying a word.

Kelsey wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, her head buried into Becca's navy crewneck, before Becca finally whispered, "Maybe it's not real Kels, those tabloids are a load of shit sometimes."

Kelsey wanted more than anything for Becca to be right. For this to be yet another attention-seeking tabloid story with no evidence to back its claims. But there was feeling sitting deep in Kelsey's gut. A feeling that she couldn't shake. A feeling that told her that this was true.

"It's true," Kelsey sobbed. "I know it is."

"Kels," Becca sighed, before stopping, obviously realizing that nothing that she was going to say would convince Kelsey that what she'd seen was false. "Even if it's true, doesn't mean they are together."

Hearing Becca say those words out loud made Kelsey realize that that was her worst fear in all of this. It wasn't that Niall had gotten someone else pregnant. A one-night stand wouldn't hurt so much. What was ripping Kelsey apart inside was the thought that Niall might have fallen in love with someone else, that he would have moved on. That he might have moved on with Krystal.

"Niall will stick with her though. He's that kind of guy." Kelsey began to imagine that even if they weren't together, they would be eventually. Niall would do the right thing. He'd rise to the occasion. They'd start a life together- raising a little baby with eyes as blue as the sea. It wouldn't happen overnight, but Niall would eventually fall in love with her. He'd watch her mother their child, and he'd see her in a new light. They'd become the new Hollywood power couple. The girl who'd broken his heart for a place at Stanford Law wouldn't even cross his mind. And it would all be Kelsey's doing.

"This is all my fault," Kelsey shook her head bringing her head to her hands.

"Kels," Becca began to protest, resting a hand on Kelsey's back, but Kelsey doesn't give her a chance to say a word.

"No, it is!" Kelsey exclaimed, sitting up abruptly. "I'm the one that signed that paper. I'm the one that walked away without any explanation. I'm the one that broke his heart. No wonder he went and fucked her." The big, sloppy tears were falling down Kelsey's cheeks again, and her nose was beginning to run. As she wiped her eyes with her forearm, leaving a trail of black mascara behind, Kelsey wondered if she looked as much of a mess as she felt.

"You were manipulated!" Becca's voice raised. "It's no one's fault but Niall's freaking management!" Becca grabbed ahold of Kelsey's arms, looking her straight in the eyes. "They are the ones to blame. Don't you ever apologize for choosing to pursue your dream, okay?"

Kelsey nodded unconvinced. "Then why do I still feel like I've just been stabbed in the chest ten times over?"

"Because your heart is still broken. You lost a great love, it doesn't mend that easily," Becca's voice has softened again.

"Unless you're Niall clearly," Kelsey muttered under her breath.

Kelsey wondered what was going through Niall's mind the first time he was with Krystal. Did Kelsey cross his mind? Did he do it because he knew- he knew just how much it would hurt her?

Her thoughts began to run down a long and winding path. A dangerous one. A path that was leading her to question everything she ever had with Niall. Maybe Niall and Krystal been falling in love right under her nose. Maybe she'd been the fool in all this, the one who was blind to the inevitable relationship that was about to blossom. Maybe everything she'd ever had with Niall had just been a lie.

"Do you think they were together before? Before I signed the contract?" Kelsey's voice shook as she spoke.

"Kels, don't get ridiculous now. Niall loved you. He may not have always made the best decisions, especially with his choice of management, but if there's one thing that I'm not questioning right now, it's the fact that that boy was head over heels in love with you."

This somehow made Kelsey cry harder, her throat beginning to sting from the tears.

"Listen Kels, this is an impossible situation," Becca began, her fingers picking at the edge of Kelsey's bedspread. "We'll never know the whole story and unfortunately, there's so many factors that are out of our control. But this is what I do know. I know that we are going to sit here and you are going to cry those big fat crocodile tears out until you have no more left."

Kelsey smiled ever slow slightly, sniffling.

"And then, tomorrow, you are going to never open a tabloid again. You are going to prepare for your first semester of law school- which let's see starts," Becca paused for emphasis. "Next week. I know that you are going to prove that this was not in vain. I know that you are not going to have given up someone you loved dearly for nothing."

"And most importantly," Becca said, her voice stern. "I know that you are the strongest, smartest and most resilient woman I know, and that you will get through this just like you have every other obstacle that life has thrown you," Becca smiled at Kelsey. "You're always going to have me, okay?"

"Thank you," Kelsey whispered, wrapping her arms around Becca. And for just a second, Kelsey believed that maybe everything was going to be okay.

Tag List: @awomanindeniall , @ihearthemcallingforyou , @niall-is-my-dream , @stylishmuser , @thicksniall

#anxious to hear everyone's thoughts on this #but I PROMISE KELSEY AND NIALL'S STORY IS NOT FINISHED #voir dire #nh #writingby1dfangirls35 #niall horan #nhff #niall fanfiction #1dff #1d fanfiction #secret relationship #fake dating #niall x ofc #niall fanfic #NH ou

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