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multiplicity-positivity · 5 months

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Helping Persecutors and Violent Headmates (While Protecting Your System)!

Hello! This post will mostly contain information that we’ve repeated in past responses to asks. We wanted to have a post separate from ask responses with tips, resources, and advice on helping violent headmates while protecting yourself and your system. So here we are! In a question-answer format because that seems to work well for us.

This post got ridiculously long! In order to spare those who aren’t interested in this post, we are putting it under a cut.

Disclaimer: we are just one system, speaking from our own past experiences and what we’ve learned through our own research and therapy. This post shouldn’t be the end-all-be-all for learning how to deal with difficult headmates. Every system is different, so what’s worked for us may not work for you. If you or your system is in danger, please contact a therapist, mental health professional, or your local crisis response unit.

Trigger Warning: This post mentions trauma, abuse, suicide, homicide, involuntary isolation or “jailing” headmates, and other potentially triggering topics!

What is a persecutor?

A persecutor is a system member who regularly causes intentional harm to themself, their system’s body, or their headmates. A headmate who causes harm occasionally isn’t necessarily a system persecutor. You can learn more about persecutors through Pluralpedia (<- link).

Why is my headmate angry, mean, spiteful, or violent all the time?

There could be many reasons why a headmate is regularly hateful or violent. Some common reasons might be:

- They are traumatized and are either acting out past traumas, processing their trauma in unhealthy ways by taking out their negative emotions on others, or formed to fill the role of a past abuser.

- They have unmet needs which cause them to often feel angry, upset, and unfulfilled. They may have trouble understanding their needs or effectively communicating their needs to the rest of their system.

- They never learned how to properly regulate their emotions, process painful memories, and respond to their emotions in healthy ways. Emotional regulation is a skill that must be practiced - people don’t just automatically know how to regulate their emotions when first encountering them.

And more. Every headmate is different, so there may be some unique reason why your system has a headmate who regularly incites violence, causes drama and internal strife, and otherwise lashes out at the rest of their system.

How can I help my angry, mean, or hateful headmates?

There’s lots of things you can do to help your headmate! Try to choose things that sound helpful for your specific situation. Some options for things you can do to help your headmate are:

Talk to them!

Try asking your headmate if there’s anything they want to talk about. Let them know what kind of effect their actions have had on the rest of your system. There’s a lot of questions you might ask that might help you and your headmate find common ground. Here are some examples (text copied from previous response):

- What does treating the rest of us unkindly achieve for you?

- Sometimes people act harsh or mean because they’re afraid. Is there something that’s scaring you?

- What are your needs? Do you feel like they’re not being met?

- Why don’t you want to work together so the whole system can feel safe? Is there something hindering you in our system? Can we work together to figure something out that works for everyone?

- Sometimes it’s necessary to do things you don’t want to do if it will help the system and benefit us all. Is there anything you would be willing to try and do differently?

When having these conversations with your headmate, please try to be gentle and to approach them from a place of kindness. Acting accusatory or growing heated may cause them to get defensive, so it’s important to try and handle these conversations in a calm state of mind, if possible. Your headmate might be unwilling to have a conversation with you initially, but with time and diligence, maybe they’ll come around!

Provide an outlet!

If a headmate is dealing with lots of painful emotions and doesn’t have a proper way to vent or express themself, they may end up taking their emotions out on other members of their system. So having a notebook, journal, sketchbook, blog, or digital space that’s just for them could be immensely healing and beneficial! This outlet should belong solely to this headmate and no one else - it’s important for the rest of your system to respect your headmate’s right to privacy. If they feel like they have an outlet for their emotions that’s truly their own, it might help them feel less inclined to lash out at other system members.

You can also help them release energy in nonviolent ways by getting a stress ball or punching bag, finding some sort of physical activity that they might enjoy, or helping them create a playlist of energetic or cathartic music to listen to. Get creative and collaborate with your system to figure out what outlets will work best for your headmate!

Encourage them to come to therapy!

If your system is in therapy, it would be a great idea to gently encourage this headmate to attend a session in the future. You can talk to them about what therapy is like beforehand, and ask your therapist for advice on how best to connect with this headmate. Maybe you could ask your headmate to write a letter to your therapist, or to write down a list of questions for your therapist, if that might be easier for them than actually showing up to a session! Your headmate might be unwilling to participate or try and connect with your therapist, but it’s worth a shot to at least offer them the opportunity to do so, and to remind them that they can change their mind and come to therapy at any time.

Help them feel loved and included!

It would probably be a great idea to go out of your way to make sure your headmate can see that their system loves them and wants to take care of them, regardless of their behavior! It may be hard for your whole system to get on the same page here, but even if just one or two headmates can commit to showing your violent headmate they care, it’s possible to make a difference! You can try and accomplish this by:

- Trying to include this headmate in internal discussions and conversations/asking their opinion before doing things that will affect the body or the whole system

- Paying attention to what this headmate likes and getting them small gifts occasionally

- Letting this headmate know when you see something positive that made you think of them

- Compliment them! Tell them you love them! Remind them that they are a cherished member of your system just the way they are!

Teach your whole system grounding techniques and emotional regulation!

Even if this headmate has no interest in learning new things or having positive interactions with the rest of your system, if the rest of y’all commit to learning grounding techniques and picking up emotional regulation skills, some of that information may rub off on this headmate. If your system is in therapy, it would be a great idea to ask your therapist about developing coping techniques for grounding and emotional regulation. We can also recommend the DBT Skills Workbook (<- Amazon link), which has been very helpful for our own system!

How can I protect myself and my system when my headmate is acting dangerous?

Acting nice and showing compassion won’t always be enough to protect yourself and your system. While your headmate may have good intentions, be reacting due to trauma or overwhelming emotions, or may not understand the full extent of how their actions affect others, that doesn’t mean you have to let them treat you and your system poorly! When your headmate is lashing out at you or someone else in your system, here are some things you can do to protect yourself.

- Communicate with your headmate and let them know how their actions are affecting your system. They may genuinely be unaware of the impact their actions are having on your system. They may have trouble recognizing others’ feelings or empathizing. So having some conversations with them about their actions may be useful!

- Set boundaries and enforce them. The goal is never to control headmates, cut off their agency, or make them feel powerless, no matter how much harm they cause! Doing this can usually cause resentment to build, and can make things more challenging for your system in the long run. We’ll include some articles here, here, and here on setting boundaries and how to enforce them in healthy ways. We’d encourage you to take a look if your system is struggling with setting and enforcing boundaries! The articles linked are for setting boundaries with other people (children, friends, etc.) but much of the advice listed can be beneficial for systems, too!

- Limit access to potentially harmful items. Harm reduction is always the goal here! So if you need to limit your system’s access to potentially harmful or dangerous items (ie, sharp objects, prescription medications, firearms, etc.), we’d encourage you to do that. This way, even if your headmate has the intention to cause physical harm, their efforts may be thwarted due to having limited access to dangerous items. Your system may need to learn how to work around not using these items, or ensure that only one headmate has the ability to access these items when needed.

- Set up a safety plan. Have a conversation with your system to try and figure out warning signs, potential negative triggers, and how to center and ensure your system’s safety in various situations. At what point should you ask someone outside for help? At what point should you have an intervention inside where multiple members voice their concerns with your headmate? At what point should you reach out to a crisis center or go to the emergency room? Every system is different, so talk to your headmates and work together to establish a safety plan that works best for y’all - and don’t be afraid to put your plan into action when the time comes!

In all this, please let your violent headmate know that you need to center your whole system’s safety and well-being. While they may not like some of the decisions your system makes, it’s so important to make sure that your physical safety is not compromised!

When should my system lock up or “jail” my headmate?

Personally, we feel like locking up or “jailing” a headmate functions as an attempt to control a headmate, forcibly taking away their agency and ultimately causing pain and resentment to build up inside. We will NEVER advocate for isolating a particular headmate, and believe that there are always other, better options to utilize instead of potentially traumatizing your headmate by cutting them off from the world and their system.

However, every system is different. If your system has exhausted all other options, use your own discretion when it comes to purposefully isolating violent headmates. Understand though that we will never promote this method, and we truly do feel like it may end up causing more harm than good to the affected headmate and the rest of your system.

What should I do if my headmate threatens serious harm, to take our life, or take the life of someone we know?

Seek outside help. This absolutely is the time to put your safety plan into action and also reach out to someone outside your system for help. This can be a therapist, a trusted friend or loved one, or even a suicide prevention lifeline. We do not recommend dialing 911 or contacting the police, as police are generally known to escalate overwhelming situations and put vulnerable people directly in harm’s way.

It should not be just on you to protect your system or loved ones from a headmate that actively intends to cause long lasting harm to your body or to someone else. Please, if your headmate is making violent, suicidal, or homicidal threats, don’t delay and don’t try to handle this on your own. Get help soon!

We are always available to help find a local crisis stabilization hotline, regardless of your country. So if you’re having trouble figuring out who to call, reach out via DMs and we can help!

Wrapping Up

We know this post got very long, but it’s still not an exhaustive guide on everything you can do to help yourself and your headmates when dealing with angry, hateful, or violent system members. Remember, not everything we’ve said here will be useful for every system! So take what works best for you and create your own plan for helping and connecting with your troubled headmates.

We hope something here will be useful to some of y’all! We’re sorry about the lengthy nature of this post, but if you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading! We’re wishing y’all the very best, and hope that soon you can make some progress towards positive change with the persecutors and angry, hateful, or violent headmates in your system. Please try to take care of each other to the best of your abilities, and have a wonderful day!

#persecutor #system persecutor #violence #trauma #suicide #homicide #abuse #long post #system communication

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the-firefly-jar-system · 2 months

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[ID: a discord message sent with a proxy bot, proxied to Valentine. the message reads:

“littles (<9)

• restricted to the littles zone

• can do picrew games with supervision

• no exceptions without caregiver permission

middles (9-13)

• has a dedicated chat but isn’t restricted to it

• can use other chats at own discretion (there will be swearing!)

• no nsfw chat without *explicit* permission

• please don’t clog chats for subsystems you’re not in!

teens and adults (>13)

• not restricted to any chats

• can use nsfw chat at your own discretion

• please only use the little chat for talking to littles

• please don’t clog up the middle chat

• please don’t clog up chats for subsystems you’re not in

that’s all for now! check up on the other rules, too” /end ID]

here’s some examples of rules we have set up for our system discord server! we use it for communication, which helps us get past amnesia and contact barriers. we also use it for chatting and fun stuff- personally, it’s really helped to lower some dissociative barriers a bit

-val (ft ash)

#ash and val #anti endo #endos dni #did #did system #actually did #polyfrag #osddid #actually traumagenic #system communication #firefly flickers

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fossys · 2 months

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something so amazing about in system communication and relationships for us.

like i get you in an incomprehensible way. despite just starting existing you feel like you know me. i dont have to talk to communicate, i dont even have to use any 'human' form of communication. We can communicate through internal pictures and thoughts and daydreams and colours and sounds and through fucking, literally feeling each others emotions.

i love you in a romantic way that is so ethereal compared to out of body relationships. I would never have sex with you but i love you in a way that breaks every divide between the types of attraction. I love you in a way that those words cant describe.

#-anon #the last bit is specifically directed towards my partners and my. friends #friends does not justify or describe what they are but it is the only word i have #sysblr #system #plural #plurality #in system relationship #innerworld #system communication #endo safe

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themorrtuary · 2 months

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ARE WE SURE SANDER SIDES ISNT RELATED TO OSDDID? BECAUSE FOR SOMETHING NOT RELATED TO OSDDID IT DOES AN AMAZING JOB AT SHOWING DID SYSPTOMS AND SYSTEM SHIT.

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raindropssys · 11 months

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System Communication

as a system without an innerworld/headspace, communication between alters can get pretty difficult (of course, it can be difficult regardless). something that really helps us with that (sometimes) is externalizing our communication so it doesn't all stay internal. when it is strictly internal, it is often fuzzy, or unclear. i might be able to pick out parts of what another alter is saying but maybe i don't get the full message. or i will just guess based on what i feel is there.

we have a discord server for just our system and use pluralkit so we have our own display names and profile pictures. this helps us a lot because we can see who says what and it isn't so jumbled up.

discord/pluralkit doesn't work for everyone, though. external communication doesn't work for everyone, either. but if you're a system who's struggling with alter communication and you haven't yet tried a form of external communication, it may be helpful.

some other ways to externalize communication are:

using a journal

writing on post-it-notes

typing out in a document or notes app

talking out loud (if it is safe to do so)

#osddid #did osdd #osdd system #osdd 1b #osdd community #osdd alter #dissociative system #dissociative alters #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #system host #system communication #alter communication #raindrops.sys

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space-station-collective · 6 months

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Some things we do to help improve communication and trust between headmates!

We have a private discord server with Pluralkit- the most important channels we have in it are the venting channel and the system-chatter channels, for, well, venting and talking to each other respectively

We also sometimes leave notecards or physical notes! Our disability affects our hands sometimes, so if writing by pencil is too difficult, sometimes a headmate will leave a notecard simply saying that they've left something in the notes app on our phone

Relating to the venting channel, we try not to read through other headmates vents and messages unless there's something specific we need or, for whatever reason, it's necessary. This includes vents in our private server, but also conversations between headmates and our friends! Even if we share all the memories (mostly), it still feels more correct to respect that privacy

This last point also applies to things like drawings- it's a bit harder to avoid seeing those sometimes, since we often have to flip or scroll past to get to a new page, but we do our best, especially if the headmate who made it seems to have wanted it more private (e.g. vent art)

We have another spot in our private server where we put links to important messages in servers! In a server with just a friend or two, we can ask that we pin the message, but this doesn't work as well in a bigger server where we may not even be out as plural, so we save message links!

Going along that vein, if something happens that headmates need to be aware of in detail for whatever reason, we keep a log in that server with screenshots and descriptions of situations, so we can properly remember and have a record of it even between headmates

Unless it is absolutely necessary (generally safety reasons), we don't force switches that people genuinely don't want. Sometimes we'll joke that we "forced someone out/in", but in actuality we never do that if the headmate isn't actually okay with it

We do our best to let headmates have things for just themselves, if they want- examples being Wil's glasses that he wears when fronting, Ran's mask (though we need to get them a new one), certain stuffed animals that they've taken a liking to, certain shows/games, etc

I'm sure there's other things that aren't coming to mind right now, but that's a lot of them! We're still learning, and we're lucky to have pretty good communication from the start, but these are all things that have helped a lot. If you'd like, share some of the things you do to help trust and communication in the reblogs/replies!

(Also, re: our private discord server, would anyone be interested in a post about what we have in there, why, and how it's helped?)

-Started by ?, finished and queued by the host (he/it/they)

#sysblr #system #plurality #osddid #plural #plural system #plural community #dissociative system #system communication #system trust #stationcoll info #spacestationcollective #host.html

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silentalltheseyearsnomore · 7 months

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(following on from last post) I mean maybe does anyone have any gentle tips on how to reconnect with ourselves again? Without overwhelming ourselves. We are currently in a huge crisis, barely doing the fundamentals like drinking or eating or sleeping and hiding away from the world. We scream and cry every day. We don't want to open anything up.. if anything it needs to be more contained.. but not in a shut down way, we know it needs to be released but it's too much on our own. But if we push it all down it affects our physical health in a way we can't risk when it's already bad and we are suicidal. So we need to connect internally gently in a way that can help us support ourselves to get out of this crisis and figure out next steps. But... how? When we don't feel allowed to ask any questions? When we are too scared to go inside? When we feel like there is a brick wall between us and... everything? What's a gentle first step? 🥺 we are so scared to do anything, we know everyone is in SO much pain. But avoiding that isn't right either.

#big sigh #loving this for me lol #like when does it get better damnnn #complex dissociative disorder #complex trauma #dissociative identity disorder #therapy trauma #attachment trauma #ra survivor #ramcoa #system communication #parts work

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unwelcome-ozian · 1 year

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#DID #system journals #system communication

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magicbungelic · 9 months

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Today something happened!!!!

While I was watching the news I felt some sort of communication! Someone here said "is grandpa back from __?"

It wasn't exactly words, more so concepts that can be translated into words

Because of that I wasn't sure in what language to respond, so I did with both the ones we know. I'm not sure if they heard it, I'm also not sure if I was even able to speak properly, my brain is very crowded so I can never truly concentrate on my own thoughts or anything really lol ! But I did hear brown noise helps, so I will be trying that !

Anyway, whoever you are, I hope you heard me ! And if you didn't, the answer is "yes, yes he is !"

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straydogsys · 1 month

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If you're a system looking for an app to communicate on I would highly reccomend Twinote.

Twinote is basically a fake twitter, you can create as many profiles as you want for different alters and make public posts (which you can filter for which alter(s) see them with the lists option) with it.

In addition it has a DM and group chat feature.

I'll go into more detail under the cut with the pros and cons, but this is the best app we've tried in regards to helping our personal system communication.

Pros of twinote:

Pretty much everything you need you don't need ro pay for premium version to use (ie endless accounts)

You can send media based files

Everyone can have their own profiles

The group chat and DM features are so so useful for us

You don't need WiFi to use it

Cons of twinote:

It can only be used on mobile

To export your data you need the premium version

Swapping accounts can be confusing

There is a limited number of folders you can sort your alters/accounts into

#whispers #sys #did/osdd #system communication

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multiplicity-positivity · 1 year

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Establishing Contact with Headmates

Hello everyone! Not sure if we’ve ever made a post like this before, but I wanted to put together a post with tips on establishing contact with alters for those who suspect they may be a system or have a complex dissociative disorder.

This is written with folks with DID in mind, but this advice may be useful for systems of any sort!

So you think you may be a system. You may have had one-off interactions with an alter, experienced auditory or visual “hallucinations” that manifest from inside, deal with unexplained time loss and memory gaps, lack a solid sense of self, feel disconnected from your body and reality, find yourself spacing out or daydreaming often, understand you have a significant trauma history (even if you can’t remember what the trauma was), or feel like you’re not alone in your own head. You’re not sure if you may be plural, and want to determine whether or not you’re alone in your own mind.

If any of this describes you, we have some advice that may help you learn more about your system and connect with your headmates. Here are some things you can try that may help.

1. Attempt to establish a connection internally.

Explore the possibility of not being the only presence inside your mind. In a calm, safe environment, reach out with messages inside, and see if you get anything in response. Ask internally things like “is there anyone else here?” “Am I alone inside my mind?” Provide reassurance that any potential alters are safe and that you can be trusted.

Accept the fact that you may not hear from anyone straight away. Alters may be scared to come forward or reveal themselves, you may have heavy dissociative barriers, or it may take time to build up trust. Make a habit of reaching out once or twice a day. Try not to be pushy, angry, or quick to become frustrated - if it gets overwhelming, take a step back to cool off. Understand that change does not happen overnight, and if you have alters, it will take some time to build a base of communication between each other.

2. Attempt to establish a connection externally.

In addition to reaching out in your mind, try writing notes to potential alters. This can be in a Google Doc, a journal, post-it notes, the notes app on your phone, or anywhere else. Encourage potential alters to write back, reminding them that they are safe, there’s no pressure to come forward quickly, and that you are trustworthy and capable of creating a comfortable environment for them.

Consider setting up a PluralKit or TupperBox on Discord. These programs allow you to set up multiple profiles that act as bots, allowing one account to share many profiles and post from each one separately. Set up a server for yourself, and post instructions in the server on how to create a PluralKit or TupperBox profile. That way, an alter who fronts later can make their own profile if they wish. This can allow you and your alters to communicate externally and learn more about each other.

3. Ask for help outside.

If you feel like you may be a system, it could be helpful to try broaching the subject with an individual you know well and trust. Be careful who you share this information with! Talking about the system with potential abusers or individuals who have harmed you in the past may cause internal strife and discourage headmates from wanting to get in touch with you.

Ask a friend or loved one if they’ve noticed you acting strange or differently in the past. Have they noticed you spacing out or dissociating, speaking in an unusual tone or accent, or acting in ways that are normally uncharacteristic for you? Can they shed light on your past and reveal aspects of yourself that you had forgotten or never known about? Being able to discuss this with someone else may help shake an alter loose, or could help make it clear whether or not you’re a system.

4. Seek therapy.

Better still than speaking to a friend or loved one is speaking to a therapist. Therapists are trained mental health professionals who are equipped with tools to help struggling individuals with a wide variety of mental illnesses. Even if you are functioning excellently and feel like you don’t suffer from any mental illness, if you’re wondering if you have headmates, it may be a good idea to try talking about it with a therapist.

Of course, a specialist in trauma and dissociation would be preferred (especially if you exhibit symptoms of dissociation or PTSD), but any therapist should be able to help you make sense of what’s going on in your mind.

If you have faced religious trauma in the past, please avoid seeking help from a faith-based therapist. If you have faced trauma from teachers, guidance counselors, or other school staff, please avoid seeking help from a school-based therapist. This is in order to keep your system safe, and to reassure your headmates that you do not wish to retraumatize them or put them in harm’s way.

Remember that therapists are humans without superpowers. They are capable of malpractice, misdiagnosis, and personal bias. If you do not mesh or click well with your therapist, it’s absolutely okay to leave them and find another one. Trust does not come immediately in therapy, and it may take some time working with a therapist before you feel comfortable enough to bring up the possibility of plurality. That’s perfectly normal and nothing to be concerned about! Take your time, be as open and honest as you can, and trust your instincts.

Hopefully these tips can help you reach out to potential alters, build trust and connection, and learn more about yourself in the process! If it turns out you’re not a system after all, that’s okay, and it means a lot that it’s an experience you’d be open to learning more about and exploring.

Remember to be PUNK to yourself and your potential system - show patience, understanding, neutrality, and kindness to yourself as you go through this process! Thanks so much for reading - we wish you all health and safety in your future and hope you have a lovely day!

#multiplicity #pluralgang #plurality #actuallyplural #system communication #internal communication #meeting alters #questioning system #did osdd #dissociative identity disorder #long post

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