Breakup
OK, OK, I'm going to go home and break up with her. But what do I tell her? "I deserve better." Jesus, no, definitely not that. Even if that's true, only women say that. "You deserve more." Now, that's pretty good. But she's gonna start to get all unintelligent and tell me I'm good just the way I am. That's the way it is. Haha. "I want to live." That'll take the edge off. I might as well say I want to fuck half of Europe. Let's see. "I think we should be apart now so we can be together later." That's not bad, but I don't want to be together later. I'd spare you the hysterics, but I'd be constantly harassed about when that later was. "I'm in love with someone." That seems pretty definitive, but she'd want to know who the bitch was, and it would start a never-ending interrogation about where I met her, when we met, was the sex good, do I regret it, did I think about her, why I didn't tell her, blah blah blah blah... "I cheated on you." Same thing. Oh God, the easiest thing would be to just disappear without a word, never pick up the phone, never answer her texts again. Okay, it's a little bit of a chick thing. "I don't want kids yet." And then she says, "Neither did she. "I want a baby now." She'll end up saying she does too. "I need to focus on my career now." I'm sure her mothering side would come out and assure me that she'll be supportive, patient, that I can build my career, that she's there for me and won't abandon me in the hardest times. Too bad. Wait a minute! I should make her want to break up. Then how much unnecessary crying and screaming would be saved. I'd pretend a little bit, "Oh, no." and then that's it, hat, coat, goodbye. But it would be too long a process to wait. "Something's wrong, this isn't working." I can hear her saying, "But what, tell me what's wrong, I'll change, just tell me what I can do differently! I know you love me, it's just a moment of desperation, believe me, we can work it out!" No, we can't, I don't want to. Okay, I've got a big mouth now, but I actually loved her and I still love her. Just not the way it should be. Like she did me. But I don't want to hurt her. She's a sweet girl. If I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't love you the way I should and the way you deserve. I'm sorry.", you know what? She'd start to tear herself up, eat her insides out, cry for weeks and look for reasons why she'd gone wrong. I don't want to hurt you. That feeling either comes or it doesn't. Or it comes and then it goes. I'm gone, what do I do?
If you break up with a woman, why does she always, at all costs, try to convince you that you're stupid and don't feel what you feel? I can just decide if I want to be with someone or not. Women, I swear, think that we men are so mentally retarded that we don't recognize when we really love someone. God, how many times have I listened to break ups and say "I know you love me. Deep down, you love me so much, you just don't realize it. You're really going to regret this." It's simply impossible to break up cleanly, without scandal. What do you have to say to that? Fuck, is it that late? Look, she's calling again, asking where I am, what I'm doing, when I'll be home. I'm gonna have to talk to her and break up with her. I'm gonna go. I'll call you later.
- Hey, girl, I'm home. What's all this stuff, you going on a trip?
- No. I'm moving.
- You're moving? Where are you going? Why are you going away?
- Out. You know why. I can't do this. Listen, I think we should cut this short. I don't know about you, but I haven't been happy in this relationship for a long time, and I don't think you have either. I think the best thing we can do is just quietly accept that this is the way it is and break up. We have no reason to be angry with each other, so we can separate from each other peacefully. I've got some stuff left here, and I'll pick it up sometime.
- But hey, wait a minute. Just like that? Are you seeing anyone? What's the matter? You want to talk about it or work it out? You're just gonna throw everything away? I don't get it. Is it me? But I love you. Let's talk about it. Let’s fix it!
- Forgive me, but I don't love you the way I should and the way you deserve. I'm sorry..
***
Then she walked out of the apartment. And I've never felt more in love with any woman in my life than I did with her, staring at the closed door.
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Do you ever just lay awake at night, turning over in your head the stark difference in delivery between Hewson's Van saying--steadily, unshakably--"it's just something that's happening to you...happening to us" and Cypress' Taissa saying--imploringly, whiningly--"this was not just my dream, this was our dream"?
Do you ever just turn it over and over, how often Tai tried to scare Van away, and how it only made Van set her feet more firmly? How Taissa's first love was this person who saw a problem fall into Taissa's lap, a problem that was quite literally trapped inside Taissa's body, and decided unflinchingly: No, that's an us problem now? How she refused point-blank to walk away even with blood in her mouth, how she flatly informed Tai "I'm never gonna be scared of you", and promptly turned a moment of pain into a declaration of love? And how this would etch itself into Taissa for the rest of her life? How she'd take these things that worked with Van--with the person Van was, with the bond they shared--and try so hard to run through an identical script with Simone?
Except Simone is her own person. A completely different kind of person. A person who hasn't been offered any of the context, any of the realities going on inside Taissa. So: naturally she doesn't respond the way Van did at eighteen--and will go on to do all over again in her forties. Naturally, she hears our dream as the excuse it is, not as a plea for connection. Naturally, she is scared away when Taissa pushes, and shouts, and begs. Because there isn't blood in her mouth, not yet, but there will be. And they have a son to worry about. And she isn't eighteen and a special kind of immortal, a special kind of romanticized. She's a grown woman with responsibilities, with priorities, with an understanding that you can't fix someone just because you love them. And Tai can't just perform a revival of the play she and Van had memorized twenty-five years later with a whole new performer in the works, and expect it to shake out the same.
Of course it doesn't work. But look at Taissa trying it. Look at Taissa trying to reframe her first love through a new lens. Trying to recast it. Trying to play it through again. Van taught her love was sticking out the blood, shaking off the pain, making a you problem into an us problem. Does it ever just eat at you, how tragic it is, watching Taissa try to shape her marriage around a woman who isn't even wearing a ring?
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