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modifieduchiha · 1 year

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Part 4 - [ I | IV ]- rather read on AO3?

Part 1 ☆ Part 2 ☆ Part 3 ☆ Part 4 ☆ Part 5 ☆ Part 6 ☆ Part 7

·Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist · Series Masterlist ·

Word Count: 6,297

Chapter Summary : This was all very unlike you as of the past few years. Your normal now was the smart, innocent, safe girl; you were sick and fucking tired of it, ready to unleash the worst parts of yourself.

Characters in this chapter :Toji Fushiguro, Satoru Gojo, Suguru Geto, Megumi Fushiguro, Reader

Synopsis: As you stood there, caught in his gaze, you couldn't help but wonder if there was something more between you and Toji than just a case of mistaken emotions. Could it be that the attraction & connection between you was too strong to resist? Or would you have to fight your feelings and stay loyal to a Megumi who has been cheating on you with your bestfriend, no matter how hard it may be?

Warnings: 18+ MDNI ! Female reader, cheating, squirting, orgasm, toxicity , corruption kink, daddy k!nk, size k!nk, praise, fingering, toxicity, yandere behavior, PORN WITH A PLOT! DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT

♡Authors Note: Yes there is smut in this chapter, although it is going to continue over into the next chapter!! I will eventually update the warnings section for each chapter but as of now it will remain the same. Please remember with is porn with a plot. ♡ IF YOU WANT TO BE IN THE TAGLIST FOR THIS SERIES REPLY TO THIS AND LET ME KNOW OR PUT IT IN MY ASK BOX

!! TRIGGER WARNING !!

DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT

The following themes will be included from this point forward:Sex/blasphemy/dubious consent/death (of minor characters)/Drug use/Rape/etc

If you have a history of drug use/rape, etc- this story may trigger you.

This is not a soft story.

You have been warned.

Taglist; @breadbaker69

Ask to get added to the taglist in the replies section or send an ask

♡ Directory ♡ submit a fic request or leave me a note ♡ AO3 ♡ Ko-Fi ♡

18+ — MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

The interior of your car shook violently with the bass of your music that was currently playing at max volume as you sped down the road , swerving in and out of cars in your way.

The leather on the steering wheel made a crackling noise due to the sheer pressure your fingers were squeezing it with, think about the fight you just got in with your father.

He had a tendency to get pissed when you dressed up , something about how your ‘whore of a mother used to dress like that before she disappeared’ and here you were; a black mini dress with no bra underneath, fishnets on your legs, and matching black stilettos just to spite him.

And to add a cherry on top you had dyed your hair red , the shade of red resembling blood.

This was all very unlike you as of the past few years. Your normal now was the smart, innocent, safe girl; you were sick and fucking tired of it, ready to unleash the worst parts of yourself.

If your boyfriend didn't think you were sexy, you were determined to make sure every single person who saw you tonight thought it instead.

It was nearly 11 at night, nobody was answering the numerous calls you spammed them with; specifically your best friends Nobara, and Yuta.

The pint of sake was in your hand, coming up to your lips occasionally for a swig as you drove thoughtlessly, your mind raced to try to identify that perfume. You couldn't quite place it, but it was definitely a familiar scent.

Suddenly, a memory flashed in your mind - it was the same perfume that your best friend had been wearing when you last saw her. Your heart sank as you realized what that could mean.

Hot tears began streaming down your face as you drove through the downtown streets, clubs, and bars lit up the area.

Saturday nights always caused this area to boom with life, while you felt your own lifeforce draining.

An all too familiar metallic taste permeated your senses before you clicked on the interior light and glanced up into the rearview mirror, only for the reflection to reveal blood tickling down the corner of your lip.

Anger, sadness, confusion, fucking rage had built up to the point you had gnawed the inside of your cherry glossed lip bloody.

With a grunt you turned into some high-end club and casino parking garage, going up a few levels before choosing to park on the floor that only had no other cars.

The car shifted into park and as if on cue, your phone buzzed against your thigh.

A few more gulps were taken from the bottle before you reluctantly lifted the phone expecting to see a message from Yuta , Nobara (even though you already knew you had to get revenge on her some how), or even Megumi.

But to your surprise, it was a text from Toji.

"I know today was confusing and I don't want to pressure you, but do you wanna do something fun, take your mind off of everything?"

Fuck yes you did.

You read the message over and over, your heart racing. You knew that this was dangerous, that it could ruin everything.

But you couldn't help the yearning that ran through your body at the thought of exploring this strange connection with Toji.

Despite the fact that you were Megumi's girlfriend, you found yourself falling deeper and deeper under Toji's spell.

"Yeah, I'm kinda stuck in a parking garage right now though. I’ll drop a pin.”

you typed back while drunken butterflies fluttered around in your tummy and then dropped a pin on the location, sharing it to Toji.

In your backseat was a black furr coat that Megumi had gotten you for your 4 year anniversary. Fingers raked through the soft fur before putting it on.

The tears that wetted your cheeks were dabbed away, and makeup was applied to your face with urgency to cover up any redness.

All that hurt and betrayal being forced deep inside of you and bottled up for now. Besides , your brain had a way of turning sadness into anger , which would likely come in handy over the next few days.

A scream left your throat when a series of 3 rapid knocks were tapped on your window.

Nearly giving yourself whiplash from the speed at which your head spun to find Toji standing there wearing a devious smirk.

A palm pressed against your chest to keep your heart from leaping out. But you returned the same type of dark smirk as he opened the car door for you.

"That was fast!" Your expression was adorable to Toji, and you took his extended hand to get out.

Little did you know that he had arrived so fast was because he had been following you this entire time, you should really start turning your location sharing off.

When you reached back to grab your purse and wallet he tsked at you, a gentle grip on your wrist. Toji raised a brow and chuckled.

"You're not spending your money…tonight's my treat."

Guilt slightly prickled at you, Toji could be so damn stubborn, your eyes trying to break down his motive while his scanned the skimpy garments that clung against your curvaceous figure.

“Hmmf, fine. I’ll just owe ya one” you slurred while forcing a smile , trying to play it cool.

When you thought about it you realized you never asked Toji or Megumi what Tojis's job was specifically, you only knew he owned a VERY successful company.

For days, sometimes weeks he would be gone on business trips. Spending money on you really wouldn’t put a dent in his bank account, although you didn’t know that.

Toji had parked his black Porsche nearby, and you found yourself staring at it, swaying slightly as the alcohol began to take its toll.

Toji noticed and quickly notched his arm around your waist to steady you, his nose picking up the scent of sake emanating from you.

"Let's go, I'm driving. You've been a bad girl," he said in a playfully stern tone before tsking again, tugging you gently towards the car , using the opportunity of helping you inside to feel you up just a little.

You couldn't help but feel a clenching in your stomach at the sound of his voice, and the warmth of his hands exploring your body only made it worse.

As he settled into the driver's seat you released a gasp at the feeling of his hand resting dangerously close to your clothed cunt, the two of you making brief eye contact once he felt your thighs clench.

Toji raised a brow at you as a bottom lip slid between your teeth you remembering the events of earlier, and you were completely dedicated to really breaking free tonight.

You wanted to lose your virginity and losing it to your boyfriends’ father would be the ultimate revenge on Megumi.

This was a dangerous game but the drunken part of your brain figured Toji would be amenable to whatever antics you would throw his way.

Toji was working his brain thinking of an appropriate place to take you yet it just kept telling him to pull into some dark alleyway and absolutely ruin you for Megumi or any other man you’d ever sleep with, but before those thoughts could come to fruition his phone went off.

The movement he made was meant to seem like he was just shifting to get more comfortable , but he was really covertly checking the messages to see that a business partner needed him to meet up.

His stress level was immediately on level 10, should he really take you to the Underground? A place where other people in his ‘profession’ met up, it was neutral territory for criminals.

Not to mention that Toji had played a part in funding the project of building that sinful place.

A place that had an underground casino, strip club, brothel,hotel, and more. Better yet it was located directly next to a large theme park , so people would just assume the large place was part of the park.

One of the most atrocious places hidden in plain sight.

Technically you would be safe there. Toji would always keep you safe although the definition of safe might be different than your version.

But he would be exposing himself as a man who ran an empire that dealt fire arms, drugs, and even human trafficking.

Though after all this time he’s spent with you , the dedication he held for you would allow him to take a leap of faith.

If anything he could just give you something to forget tonight ever happened, but absolutely nothing would take you away from him, not even you.

The sake had you resting your head against the window as he started the car and pulled out of the parking garage the sound of the revving motor filling the air. You leaned back into the seat, letting out a sigh as you closed your eyes, feeling the cool air from the air conditioning blowing onto your face.

Toji glanced over at you briefly as you connected your phone to the cars bluetooth, you favorite playlist playing and you humming along.

You were an adorable little mess sitting there looking like you were straight out of a playboy magazine .

It made Toji run his hand further up your thigh before hooking his index finger through the crotch area of your panties, smirking at the wetness of the material and how you wriggled around in your seat whining his name, telling him to stop even though you wanted the complete opposite, you wanted more.

My god did it make him rock fuckin solid underneath his business suit.

“Darling , I know you’re a bit drunk. We’re going to have a good time tonight s’you can forget about all the bullshit lately-” this is how people always sounded when they were trying to calm you before the storm.

“Y/n, I trust you with my life.” A bold statement you thought to yourself, but it caught your attention. “I need to take care of something for work, and I trust that you’ll keep it to yourself?”

“Of course, Toji.” you replied instantly and giggled a bit at the tickle of his fingertips.

“Nobody will question you , but you need to …fit in. Think you can pretend to be my fiance?” Toji swallowed a mouthful of spit and looked over to see you smirking at him. It wasn’t to often that he seen ‘this’ side of you.

Maybe if you pretended to be his fiance for a while , eventually you’d just accept it to be the truth.

“So i’m Y/N Fushiguro?” You playfully quipped by using your fake new name, enjoying how it made him react.

“Soon to be” he winked and pressed harder on the gas . “I’ll be honest , babygirl…this place isn’t normal in any sense . There are a lot of dangerous people”

A frown tugged at the corners of your mouth , feeling a knot form in your stomach as he spoke. And then, in a moment of vulnerability and intoxication, you confessed, "I'm an addict in recovery."

The words came out before you could stop them, and you immediately regretted letting your guard down. You looked at Toji, hoping he wouldn't judge you for your past.

Toji took a moment to process your confession, his expression unreadable. He wanted you to feel comfortable with him, but he couldn't deny the thought that getting you high might make you more susceptible to his charms. However, he pushed that morbid idea aside.

Your brows furrowed at his silence, cocking a look at him while trying decipher his reaction.

"I had no idea, but I did find your pills earlier," he admitted, his voice calm but firm.

“Fuckin hell-” You let out a groan, running your hand over your face. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I kept them."

Toji nodded understandingly, his grip on the steering wheel tightening. He knew why you had them, he knew you were close to a relapse. "It's okay. I’ve got you no matter what, I’m not going anywhere.” Toji had never spoken a sentence more true than this.

Toji was determined to make sure you were comfortable, but he also knew that it was time for you to learn the extent of his criminal behavior and he would make sure that you would learn to be okay with it if you weren’t at first , even if that meant making you a criminal yourself.

Afterall , he had to do that to Megumi . Another thing you never knew of.

It might be easier to get you hooked to him if he got you high. Tojis eye twitched a bit at such a morbid thought but left it as a viable option.

“We are about to pull up to the underground though just remember to stay in character," he said before continuing, "a lot of us go by codenames here. I guess we can just call you-"

You interrupted him before he could finish his sentence, your eyes widening with excitement. "Hellfire," you said, giving him your nickname and codename. Of course you've heard of the Underground, you'd spent a lot of time around drug dealers and users alike.

Toji raised an eyebrow at your quick response, impressed by your assertiveness. "Hellfire, huh? I like it," he said with a smirk but asked himself why it sounded so familiar.

"You know, you might just fit in here after all. Such a bad girl sometimes"

before you could react to his words you let out a lewd high pitched gasp, feeling the stinging impact of his hand slapping your clothed pussy harshly before retracting it.

How the hell did everything this man do say and say feel SO GOOD?!

A few minutes later the car approached the gates, a man dressed in all black came up to Toji's side of the window. Toji rolled it down and quickly flashed his ID to the man, who nodded and stepped aside to allow them to pass through. Now it was time to enter the Underground.

The place looks like it could belong to some type of billionaire. Fountains and intricate stone statues decorate the well-kept garden. You couldn't help but stare in awe as the car made its way through the winding pathways.

You could only imagine how amazing the view must be from one of the highest floors of the building, especially when the sky turns a beautiful shade of orange as the day bleeds into the night.

It was like stepping into a completely different world, one where money, violence, and power ruled.

Ironically they had an actual underground parking garage where Toji found his usual spot before turning the vehicle off.

Toji turned to you. "Remember, don't act like a nervous. Act like you belong here, like you belong to me. And keep your eyes open if you’re ever by yourself. You never know who might be watching."

Tojis's hand found itself at the back of your head, his lips making contact with yours , he let out a desperate groan at the taste of your cherry-flavored lips .

With that, he got out of the car and opened the door for you. “Ready, Hellfire?” Toji eyed you up and down, his eyes were consuming every ounce of you and getting some pretty intrusive thoughts as he helped you out of the car.

Toji took out his phone and sent a quick text to someone while you were busy taking in your surroundings. You realized how the air was thick with the scent of cigarettes and exhaust fumes You followed Toji across the dimly lit interior of the building.

The two of you were connected hand in hand, your heels clicking against the pavement as you began walking with him toward the elevator. This entire thing seemed surreal.

The elevator was made with glass walls, allowing you to see the different floors as the elevator ascended, The view from the glass walls was incredible, with each floor revealing a new level of opulence and extravagance yet the different floors contained taboo and some illegal activities.

The intricate decor and expensive furnishings were unlike anything you had ever seen before. You couldn’t help but be awestruck at the types of things you were seeing, Toji wrapped his arm around your waist after noticing the amusing look on your face.

It was both comforting and intimidating to be in the presence of such wealth and power.

The beaming smile was now directed toward him, your heart nearly jumped from your chest as he leaned down to kiss you passionately. Little did you know that during the distraction, he placed your bag of pills back into the purse that hung over your shoulder.

As the elevator doors opened, Toji pulled away from the kiss and led you out into a spacious and luxuriously decorated lobby. You looked around in amazement, taking in the high ceilings, marble floors, and intricate chandeliers hanging overhead.

Toji whisked you away to the front desk, where he flashed his charming smile and smoothly requested a key. The receptionist addressed him by name, he clearly frequents this place. She promptly handed him a sleek card, and Toji wasted no time taking your hand

"Excited to see the room, my dear?" he asked, his voice tinged with a mischievous tone.

You eagerly nodded, unable to contain the mix of emotions and alcohol coursing through you. Toji's confidence and easy charm made it easy to put your trust in him, even as he led you to the unknown.

Within moments, you arrived at the room, and Toji deftly used the keycard to open the door. The sight before you was breathtaking - a spacious, lavishly decorated suite that seemed to stretch on forever. You couldn't help but gasp in awe, marveling at the intricate details and luxurious furnishings.

Toji chuckled at your stunned expression. "Impressive, isn't it? But don't worry, we're just dropping off your belongings for now. We'll come back later to really enjoy it," he said, leading you inside.

The two of you made quick work stowing away your things, everything except for your phone which you popped into your purse before you followed Toji out of the room, eager to see what the rest of the night had in store for you.

Toji took your hand, leading you a few floors down only to step out of the stairwell into a dimly lit hallway. You could hear the sound of music and laughter coming from behind a closed door at the end of the hall.

"This is the place," Toji said, gesturing towards the door. with a backpack rattling on his back.

You looked up at him nervously, "I don’t even wanna ask what’s behind that door."

Toji gave you a reassuring smile, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you."

He led you to the door and knocked three times before it was opened by a tall, muscular man with tattoos covering his arms.

"Hey, Toji. Come on in," the man said, giving you a curious look.

Toji stepped inside and you followed closely behind, feeling a bit uneasy. The room was filled with people, all of them drinking and doing drugs of their choice to loud music.

Toji led you to a glass-walled room that had a small table in the corner, one clearly made for people who needed to do business in quiet, and before you could say a word, a woman was setting drinks on the table for the both of you.

As you sipped on your drink getting even more drunk, you couldn't help but feel out of place. You had tried to put this lifestyle behind you but this was a whole new level, this was so elegant that it almost felt okay.

Everyone in this place seemed to know each other, and you felt like an outsider. Not only that but you REALLY wanted to get high now.

Toji noticed your discomfort and leaned in close to you, "Don't worry, I'm here with you. Just relax and enjoy the night. A few associates of mine is going to be coming over in a moment, so just breathe and drink." he said with a smile before pressing a kiss to your forehead.

Toji was running one of his hands up and down your thigh, and with each stroke, he seemed to get closer to your panties. Just like a good girl, you sipped your drink, letting out an occasional moan that made Toji give you a certain look and visibly tense up.

Just as you started to feel more at ease, the door opened and revealed two men; Suguru Geto and Satoru Gojo.

Toji's grip on your waist tightened as he felt your body tense up, almost protectively, as Satoru approached with a grin on his face.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Hellfire. It's been too long," he said, his eyes lingering on you.

Dread washed over you as you took a sip of your drink, trying to compose yourself, but Satoru's greeting made you choke on it, drawing unwanted attention to yourself.

The sound of a thudding smack echoed in the room as Sugurus hand made contact with the back of Gojos head, a warning for him to shut up but he was clearly intoxicated.

“Shut the hell up and sit down Gojo.” Geto hissed as he pulled a chair out across from you and Toji, taking a seat and setting a briefcase on the table.

Toji glanced at you, confusion written all over his face as Satoru called out your supposed code name, unsure how one of his associates knew it.

You could feel Toji's tension growing as he tried to piece together the situation, and you knew you had to act quickly to avoid any further complications.

"I need another drink." you said, forcing a smile as you tapped the side of the empty glass. As you went to stand Tojis hand forced you back down, instead he looked to Satoru.

“Go get her another drink since you know her so well.” The words were laced with condescension. Satoru nodded his head and flashed a grin as he went to do as told.

Suguru cleared his throat, shifting the conversation back to business. "We have some important matters to discuss," he said, giving Toji a meaningful look , his gaze flickering to you briefly with a questioning look on his face.

Toji nodded, his grip on your waist finally loosening as he turned his attention to his business partner. You let out a sigh of relief, grateful that the focus was off of you for the moment because the alcohol was beginning to ravage your mind.

As the conversation shifted back to business you tuned it out and you took the opportunity to breathe and gather your thoughts. Despite your best attempts at not listening you quickly found out the specifics of what kind of business Toji was involved in, and it made your stomach churn.

This means that the drugs you got off of Suguru were drugs he had gotten from Toji.

Satoru returned with your drink, placing it in front of you with a smirk. You forced a smile as the sound broke you from your current thoughts. It felt heavenly as you began taking a sip and trying to ignore his presence.

You leaned back in your seat, observing the three men as they talked in hushed tones.

The way they looked at each other, the subtle gestures they made, all hinted at a level of familiarity that you couldn't quite grasp. And it was seeming like the conversation lasted hours, you had already finished 3 more drinks that Satoru had faithfully fetched for you like a trained dog.

But as the conversation continued, you couldn't shake off the feeling that something wasn't quite right. The room felt too small, your brain felt muddy.

It was like being in the middle of a puzzle and not having all the pieces to put it together.

As Toji and Suguru delved even deeper into their business discussion, stacks of money and bags filled with illicit substances were scattered across the table.

You tried to distract yourself by sipping on your drink and looking around the room. But your mind kept drifting to Satoru, who was now sitting a few seats away, eyeing you with a familiar hunger in his eyes.

You couldn't help but feel a sense of unease, knowing that he had tried to pursue you romantically and rather aggressively in the past. And now, with Toji being none the wiser about your history with Satoru, you couldn't help but wonder if he would try something again.

Toji infact was so focused on the discussion that he didn’t notice you stand up and slip out of the room, turning a corner and stumbling a few feet into the empty hall so that you’d be out of sight.

As if reading your thoughts, Satoru secretly followed behind you, his feet stopping directly in front of you.

Truthfully some part of you knew that there was something besides alcohol in those drinks, the room was swaying intensely.

Satoru leaned over and whispered in your ear, "You look beautiful tonight, Hellfire. It's been too long since we last saw each other."

“I-it hasn’t been long’nuff” With a deep breath you internally scolded yourself for even getting up. Satoru's advances were not something you wanted to deal with, especially not tonight.

You tried to step away from him, but your legs were unsteady, and you stumbled, your back hitting the wall. Satoru took advantage of your vulnerability, pressing his body closer to yours and running his hand up your thigh.

"Stop it," you slurred, trying to push him away, but he was too strong.

"Just relax, Hellfire. It's just like old times except i’ll finally get what i’m owed," he whispered, moving his lips closer to yours.

But before he could forcibly kiss you, there was a loud banging on the wall. "Gojo what the fuck are you doing?!” Toji's voice boomed through the hall.

You let out a sigh of relief as Satoru backed away from you, giving you a sly grin before raising his arms in defeat. Toji rushed to you, his expression filled with concern as he saw you slumped against the wall.

"Are you okay? What happened?" he asked, his eyes scanning your body for any signs of harm.

You shook your head, trying to clear the fog in your mind. "I'm fine. I just needed some air," you lied, not wanting to worry him. But Toji wasn’t an idiot, he could tell you were drugged and knew Satoru goddamn Gojo was trying to take you.

Toji's grip on your arm tightened as he pulled you up from the floor. "Let's get out of here. I think it's time we called it a night. Satoru if you ever put a finger on my Fiance again I will fuckin kill you." he said, his voice firm.

Suguru was eyeing Gojo with a glare that could burn a hole through him as Toji and you walked away “Wonder what Megumi is gonna think when he finds out his girlfriend is apparently his dads Fiance.” Satoru uttered under his breath.

Toji carried you bridal style back to the extravagant room , the entire time you just kept slurring your words and falling in and out of consciousness. The only thing that made you wake up a bit was the feeling of plush blankets that made contact with your back as Toji laid you on the bed.

He wanted to pull you out of your current catatonic state, breaking every moral boundary he had set, a vial and tiny little spoon was pulled from the bedside table, sighing as he held it up to your nose.

It must have been muscle memory because you sniffed the contents up your nose harshly, and your eyes blinked hard a few times in a row as the drugs took effect.

"You're safe now," he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to your temple before taking a seat near the end of the bed. "I won't let anything happen to you." Dilated pupils were fixed on Toji, a sly smile playing at your lips.

With a few adjustments and movements, you had removed your heels and were on your hands and knees crawling toward Toji. He bit his lip at the sight , the way your dress had rode up and how the fishnets clung to your legs .

You leaned into him letting your head fall onto his lap while savoring the warmth of his embrace and the scent of his cologne.

As you looked up at him with a playful glint in your eyes, a mischievous thought crossed your mind

“I’m still a virgin in my 20’s” you blurted out your confession before shrieking with laughter. Oh, the boundaries you were crossing tonight.

Toji's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly recovered, a smirk forming on his lips. "Is that so?" he teased, leaning in closer to you. "Well, don't worry. I can help you with that, if you want." Toji figured as much

You felt a blush rise to your cheeks, but you couldn't deny the rush of excitement that his words sparked within you. With a nod, you leaned in to meet his lips, eager to explore the uncharted territory of intimacy behind oral and hand stuff you’d done with Megumi.

Toji was quick to pull his phone out and connect to a speaker , letting music play, more specifically your playlist, and you were too busy pulling your dress off .

When he turned back to you he found you with a bare chest, pierced nipples pebbled and only those fishnets with panties underneath that read ‘Daddys Girl’�� sitting with your legs tucked to the side , only propped up by your arm.

His eyes traversed the contours of your face, stopping at your eyes. Looking into them, drinking the emotions that resided within them, he read you like the open book you’d become. You, on the other hand, saw the look in his eyes was animalistic, the half-lidded, manic mist which descended upon his very form. His touch trailed down your cheek, your throat, then stopped at your collarbones , a shiver running through you.

Toji stood up and fixed himself a drink , knowing damn well that you were looking at him , confused, as he finished it quickly. The song had ended and during the brief period before the next started, the sound of your stifled breath filled the room.

“Y’sure you’re ready for this?” he questioned . His tone was different than you’d ever heard. It was as if someone else , someone evil had possessed him. Your observations would prove to be correct , his mind had finally snapped and he wanted to absolutely destroy you, make you his.

“Y-yes..” you hesitated but affirmed you did in fact still want him to free you from the mental restraints your virginity imposed upon you , and seek revenge against Megumi.

His shirt became unbuttoned to reveal and extremely toned and muscular upper body before walking over to the bed , in front of you.

Shaky hands of yours moved up to his pants ,the sound of his zipper coming undone by you made your stomach clench, tighten. With a shallow sigh, Toji felt freed of his garments and held his length in his large, willing hand.

Your heart stopped. He was huge - long and thick and painful, veins bulging along his shaft, leading to his throbbing, leaking, bulbous tip. You could just already tell he was going to struggle fitting it all in.

The image of him growing impatient and slamming into you flashed in your mind. Your heart stuttered, a simultaneously tepid and baltic feeling washed through you.

“Mmh, can’t wait to see you try and take me,” Toji said, voice thick and dark, yet seductive in a fucked up way. Toji had gone through your laptop on days when you and Megumi weren’t home, he memorized the type of porn you watched and he wanted to give you exactly that.

“Be rough with me.” your lip quivered just the slightest bit , making your facade of confidence falter .

“Whats my name?” Toji crooked this thumb and index finger under your chin , forcing your to look up at him.

You paused a moment “Toji..” and then felt his other hand come up and smack your cheek hard enough the feel a sting , you moaned at it and tears prickled along your lash line.

“Try again , babygirl.”

“D-daddy?” Toji smoothed his thumb over the pinked mark on your cheek.

“Good girl.” he cooed “that's the only thing you’re allowed to call me tonight.” fingers raking through your hair . You felt instant gratification, this is what drugs felt like the first time ; you couldn’t help but make the comparison.

Before you could get a word out Toji had pushed two of his fingers in your mouth , instinctively you began sucking on them drawing a string of praises from him , him free hand pressed you to lie flat on your back.

The fingers were removed with an audible pop “That was so goddamn sexy , babygirl.” he growled “Need to get these off before we start.”

You wondered how he’d do it, with scissors, or bare hands–From beneath the bed, concealed, Toji withdrew a knife; thick, military and real. You gasped, tears clinging to your periphery as you felt the stimulants wearing off , the downers seeping back in and rendering you to jelly again ; useless.

Toji’s head tilted as he poised the tip of the knife to your throat and dragged it, slowly, down the expanse of your abdomen. You tried not to breathe - tried to prevent any unwanted movement that would give the blade a chance to penetrate your skin.

Toji‘s eyes trailed the blade. His breath shuttered as the tip came to the waistband of your fishnets. The holster of the blade was moved up and settled between his teeth as his hands made quick work of ripping your fishnets to tatters, handfuls being thrown on the floor until you were only in those panties.

Toji took the knife from his mouth and used it to trace over the lettering “Daddys girl , eh? Pretty fuckin’ accurate .” he laughed before sticking the blade back under the mattress , out of reach for you , before turning his attention back to you , sliding your panties off and sliding them into the pocket of his pants that reside on the floor. In moments notice he was on his side next to you.

Without warning his thumb pressed into your clit, forcing the beginnings of euphoria through you. “God, so small. I’m starting to wonder how i’m going to fit inside you–” he bit his lip as fear-soaked arousal sparked in your widened eyes, just visible to him as your head began to lol against his shoulder.

Toji pressed into you, forcing two fingers inside you, reminding you of who - what - you belonged to right now. Your eyes squeezed shut, a pained moan rippling through you. Even as he grew closer to your sweet spot, the weight and length of his fingers were difficult to take, especially considering how little you had been fingered. Perhaps this was how he was warming you up.

Toji’s free hand encompassed your breast with his grip, kneading it, plucking at your hardened nipple. You swallowed the gasps and whines that crawled up your throat, waiting for the right moment to pounce - to make your true arousal known. But Toji seemed to know regardless, his voice hot in your ear. “You’re soaking me, Darling,” he rasped.

★・・・★

Satoru Gojo and Suguru Geto sat in the dimly lit bar, both lost in their own thoughts and distracted by their phones. Gojo's eyes flickered with a mischievous glint as he typed out a message to Megumi, relishing in the chaos and drama that was sure to ensue.

Once he hit send, he turned to Suguru with a wicked grin. "This is going to be so much fun," he chuckled, taking a sip of his drink.

Suguru raised an eyebrow, looking at Gojo with a mix of amusement and concern. "You never cease to be a complete asshole, Gojo. I hope you know what you're doing."

Gojo's grin only widened. "Of course I do. I'm always one step ahead of everyone else,besides I wanted Y/N first." he boasted, confident in his abilities to manipulate and control any situation.

As they continued to sip their drinks, Gojo's mind raced with excitement and anticipation, eager to see the fallout from his actions and the chaos that would ensue. Suguru simply tried to reel in his train of thought, hoping that Toji wouldn’t behead the two of them for this; that was his specialty after all.

★・・・★

Megumi's phone pinged with a new message, and he instinctively reached for it, assuming it was a notification from you or one of his friends. But as he read the message from Gojo, his heart sank and a wave of anger washed over him.

He slammed his fist down on the table and stood up abruptly, causing his fellow shady coworkers to glance at him in confusion. "Excuse me, I have to go," he muttered, grabbing his coat and storming out of the warehouse.

★・・・★

➜Part 5

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multiverse-imagines · 1 year

Note

um… so I literally just binged read all your Vash fics. Planning on watching the anime on Saturday.

but I’m even tho I’m a newcomer……

can I get a Vash x Reader, where maybe homeboy gets her pregnant.

👉👈

he’s already taking over my life…

A/N: so I'm not typically comfortable with writing this kind of thing, but for specifically you, (and Vash) just this once, I'll indulge a pregnancy fic request. It gave me a chance to think about things I don't want to write in the future. It's my fault for not putting it in my pinned post. I will say this was one of the cutest things I've written in Vash's pov, and probably how I would react if I got told I was gonna be a dad. I do appreciate getting out of my comfort zone sometimes. ^-^

On the lighter notes, I'm so excited for you to be joining the Trigun cult we've amassed on Tumblr! Give the manga a read too if you can! Don't worry about being a newcomer. I've only been in this fandom for a year. (Where has he been all my life?) It's never too late to start a new series!!! If you want someone to gush about the series with, hit me up!

I've only had Vash for a year, and in my head we've already been married for 10. xD

Sprout

I carried a box of donuts, sandwiches, and a couple of sodas towards City Hall, where she worked. She, My Lovely Mayfly, worked there as a volunteer coordinator. I decided to surprise her with lunch. She always works herself too hard, and sometimes forgets to eat. I entered the main lobby, quickly finding the office she worked in. It was empty. I came in early enough where she wouldn't have gone to lunch with anyone else. The hairs on my neck stood on end as I thought of the worst. Making my way back to the front desk, I asked the receptionist where she was.

"Oh, She went out for a bit. She said she had a doctor's appointment. Said she'd hopefully be back by lunch." The receptionist took a sip of his coffee. A doctor's appointment? She hadn't said anything about an appointment this week. Before I could make my way back to her office to wait, a chime of the front door revealed someone entering City Hall. I turned around to see her, My Mayfly. She almost seemed troubled, looking at the ground, not quite noticing me yet.

"Hey, Mayfly!" I cheerily greeted her as always. She seemed to stiffen up, but was immediately happy to see me.

"H-hey, Angel. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I brought us some lunch! How was your appointment?" She stiffened up again at this.

"Why don't we eat lunch!" She seemed to panic as she dragged me into her office, shutting the door, almost too quickly. She leaned against the door with a sigh. She was acting strange, well, more so than usual.

"Mayfly, is something wrong?" I let my voice drop to a concerned tone. Her breath hitched, and the facade of being around other people faded. Her face was almost… scared. Vulnerable, Worry, such things I never wanted to see on her face.

"Do you remember when I said sometime last week that I was feeling kinda funny?"

"Y-yeah, I thought it was the burger from the bar."

"Well, it wasn't the burger, I guess…"

"You didn't get sick, did you? You're not dying are you?" I began to worry. Humans didn't live too long on this planet. Taking a chance with her as my partner was a struggle for me. I often distance myself from others where I can, even though it doesn't ease the pain when they die. We had spoken on this topic a few times when I tried to deny her advances, even though every fiber of my being wanted her. What if she really was dying? I couldn't take her with me as I continued to run from bounty hunters and the like.

"Vash." My name leaving her lips broke my panic, and I hadn't even noticed she had taken my hands, "I'm not dying. I…." She took a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."

"P-pregnant." I repeated back to her, "wh…what?" My face relaxed from panic to surprise as my gaze drifted to her hips, "I.. I didn't think that was even possible." A wave of emotion was flowing through me all at once. How was my DNA compatible with human DNA? How was I supposed to keep the two of them safe? Raising a child on the run? What if Knives targeted them? What if I died before I could see the kid go to school? Or get married? Oh, Rem, help me. What if they died young? What if I lost Mayfly during the birthing process? What if I lost both of them?

My body moved on its own as I leaned down to press a kiss to her lips. I rested one hand on her back, the other rested on her cheek. I allowed my mind to clear as I lost myself in her kiss.

I whispered her name when I parted from her lips. Holding her chin to keep intimate eye contact.

"I love you. Let's have a family together." I found myself laughing a little bit as a smile came across my face. The laughter spread as I pressed more little kisses to her lips, "I'm gonna be a dad." I toyed with the idea of teaching the little sprout how to color, ride a Tomas, reading them bedtime stories, falling asleep with them cradled into my chest on our ragged couch, and even teaching them good morals if I could help it.

"I'll keep you both safe. I promise."

#trigun #vash the stampede #vash x reader #trigun brain rot #tw: pregnancy

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juji-han · 2 years

Text

Gone

→ Wonwoo x Reader

→ 1.9k words

→ University au, dialogue-heavy, best friends Wonwoo and Mingyu

→ Language, Angst

→ When Jeon Wonwoo disappears, you try coming to terms with the fact that he might not be coming back.

Saturday, May 03. 09:27 PM

“Hey, Wonwoo isn’t answering any of my text messages…” you said, staring at your phone. Mingyu leaned over, looking at the unanswered text message, “Have you heard from him?”

Mingyu shook his head, “Nah. He usually answers his phone quickly. Maybe he’s busy?”

You nodded before turning your phone off and placing it on the table.

Here were you and Mingyu, sitting in a dingy diner, waiting for Wonwoo to show up like he always does. Every single Saturday, the three of you sat in the same booth and talked about your classes, about drama, about anything that your guys’ mouths could speak. Nothing was a secret between you three. It was just routine at this point.

“Yeah, but he always shows up. The last time he didn’t, it was because he was hungover and slept the whole day.” you pressed. Mingyu nodded slowly, taking in your words, and leaving a silence in the air.

Mingyu finally answered, “Then there’s your answer. Don’t worry about Wonwoo, he can take care of himself.”

“Okay,” you gave in, grabbing your purse, taking out a twenty-dollar bill, and placing it in the middle of the table. “When you’re ready, let’s go.”

Monday, May 05. 07:30 AM

When you had woken up, you expected Wonwoo to text back. He would apologize, say he just had a headache and went to sleep, and that he didn’t mean to worry you. But he didn’t.

He didn’t respond yet. What the fuck is he doing? Your thoughts were consumed by Wonwoo. Where could a six-foot guy have disappeared? How are people so present, so active one moment and then another moment just… gone?

You grabbed your phone, going to Wonwoo’s contact.

Delivered

Your thumb hovered over the call button. Class was going to start soon, and if you bothered him now, he’d keep bothering and teasing you about how you were so worried about him.

Maybe he’s just busy… today’s the last class anyway, maybe he’s just busy studying for the final.

You grabbed your backpack and keys, a tiny sense of hope bubbling in your stomach. He’ll be there.

10:15 AM

Jihoon ran behind you, catching up to your strides, “How’d you do on the final?”

“Um, it was alright. I think I missed the last question, it didn’t make sense and I couldn’t really focus well.”

Jihoon hummed in agreement. He looked down at the floor, still following you to the parking lot. Jihoon’s head snapped up, “Have you seen Wonwoo?”

You stopped in your tracks. You had almost forgotten. How could you forget? Is that why you couldn’t focus? How could you forget that Wonwoo wasn’t here? What distracted you? Was it the too quiet classroom, or the tapping of pencils against the desks from students who were stuck on a question?

You stared at Jihoon with a blank face. Your eyebrows then furrowed, “No. I texted him last night, but he didn’t answer. I just thought he was studying for the final.”

Concealing your worry was hard. How could you forget he wasn’t in class with you?

What kind of friend am I?

Grabbing your phone from your pocket, you sent Wonwoo a message.

r u sick? text me back soon, please

11:07 PM

You laid on your bed, head hanging off the edge of the bed, feet barely touching the headboard. Mingyu laid next to you, his head resting on your pillows.

Wonwoo still hasn’t answered, and you still didn’t know why. Frustration and anxiety were the only emotions you could feel. Towards wonwoo for not answering and making you scared, and at Mingyu for not even caring.

You raised your head, resting on your elbows, core shaking. You stared at Mingyu. He scrolled through his phone, a focused expression on his face. Why the hell isn’t he concerned about Wonwoo?

You could feel a laugh of disbelief crawling up your throat. You shook your head, laying it off the edge of the bed again. With a sudden shake of your ankle, you looked up again.

“Why were you looking at me like that?”

“No reason,” you mumbled, sitting crisscrossed. “It’s just that, why… aren’t you as concerned as I am?”

Your eyes stayed down, staring at your lap and picking at your fingers. Would he be insulted that you just accused him of not being worried?

“I am.” Mingyu’s eyebrows furrowed, a frown forming. “I am, I really am. Don’t think I’m not.”

Mingyu grabbed your shoulders, pulling you into his chest, “Wonwoo… he- uh, he does this thing every once in a while, okay? He doesn’t answer, he disappears for a few days, and then, he comes back, as if nothing happened.”

You nodded, days of tears, from anger, frustration, fear, and anxiety, finally releasing themselves.

You just wanted to see Wonwoo again.

“If it makes you feel better, I’ll tell the other boys to message him, okay?” Mingyu rubbed your shoulder, wiping your tears with his sleeves. “Don’t cry, it’s gonna be alright.”

You remember the first time you met Wonwoo. It was three years ago when you were a freshman at the University of Seoul.

You were friends with Mingyu first, you both had an art class together, and after talking for a while, you told him you had a film class. He had gotten so excited, telling you all about a friend who you’d like, and how you guys had similar interests. Interested in the friend Mingyu kept talking about, you suggested meeting up at a diner that you’ve gone to since you were a kid.

The following day, Mingyu rushed into the diner, Wonwoo following behind him, eyes locked on Mingyu’s back. You spotted the tall man, his smile wide, eyes scanning the diner for you.

You raised your hand, waving, and grabbing the attention of Mingyu.

His long strides finally reached your table, where he scooted into the booth across from you.

Mingyu spoke fast, as if he was rapping, the excitement of a puppy in a six-foot-two man’s body, “Hi. I almost didn’t see you. I wanted you to meet my friend too. Good thing you’re here.”

Mingyu shrugged his coat off, tugging on Wonwoo’s arm so he could sit down.

“This is Wonwoo. He’s shy, so- yeah. He’s shy.”

You gave Wonwoo a tiny wave, and he returned a tight lip smile, pushing his glasses up, “Hello.”

“I like your hair.”

Wonwoo muttered thanks, reaching up to try and fix his already neat red hair.

Mingyu stared at the two of you, a small smile forming on his face.

“So... let’s talk.”

From that point on you remember feeling close to both boys. The three of you spent as much time as you could together. Three best friends, who would always stay together.

Tuesday, May 06. 10:23 PM

You sat in the diner. Alone for the first time since you met Mingyu and Wonwoo. The fluorescent lights hummed and the sound of ceramic cups clashed against their matching ceramic plates.

You stared at your phone, going through your messages with Wonwoo. It’s only been four days since Wonwoo went ghost, yet it felt like an eternity.

You missed having him close to you, your guys’ hands brushing against each other and you both blushing.

There was a time before Wonwoo, but you barely could remember it. It felt like you’ve guys been together forever.

When your phone dinged, you immediately opened your phone, Wonwoo’s contact opening.

i’m sorry.

You read over the message over and over. It’s was like your thumbs were frozen. If you responded, would he respond? You couldn't deal with the silence anymore, but you had to know he was okay.

where are you?

Minutes passed. No response. You felt tears well up, a lump forming in your throat. Slapping your phone on the table, your head fell into your hands.

What the fuck. Are you fucking kidding me right now?

You shook your head, pushing your hair back. Wonwoo was going to be the death of you. Your heart ached, and it felt like nothing would soothe it.

Wiping hot tears, you stood up from the booth, leaving a five-dollar bill on the table. Fuck this.

You walked to your car, slamming your door shut, your grip on the steering wheel tight.

You wanted to speed and get to Wonwoo’s house as fast as possible. When you got there, you wanted to bang on his door and yell for him, even if it meant waking up his neighbors. At the same time, you wanted to drive as slow as possible, maybe you’d get an answer while you were driving, and he’d say, right here. waiting for you.

When you arrived at Wonwoo’s apartment, you knocked on his door. Your first knock was quiet and considerate. The second was more confident. The third knock was loud, all of your frustration pouring out into the knock.

The doorknob slowly turned, only to reveal Jihoon.

“Why are you here?”

Jihoon didn’t answer, turning his body to the side, giving you space to come in.

“Jihoon... what's going on?”

He shrugged, sighing and running his hands through his hair, “Wonwoo’s gone. His clothes, his shoes, mostly everything. It’s all here.”

You stared at Jihoon. The words weren’t processing. Wonwoo. Gone.

You pushed past him, going to Wonwoo’s room.

His room was neat, with everything put away. You slowly walked around his room, placing your hand on his desk.

“It’s dusty.” You stated. Jihoon, who stood at the doorframe, sucked in a breath.

“Yeah. Which means Wonwoo hasn’t been here for a while.”

You turned around, wiping your hand on your jeans. You walked over to Wonwoo’s closet, Jihoon’s eyes following your every move.

Maybe there would be something in his closet. A box that held a notebook with all his secrets written inside. Maybe a location would be written down, a place he disappears to, just in case he might forget one day.

But his closet was empty. No boxes, just hung-up shirts and shoes neatly placed on the floor in two rows.

You stepped back and sat on the edge of his bed. Jihoon slowly stepped over to you, sitting next to you.

You felt Jihoon’s hand on your shoulder, his gaze burning into the side of your head.

If you looked into Jihoon’s eyes, you would cry.

“I’m sick of crying.” You whispered. Jihoon rubbed your back, staying silent.

That night was quiet. Only the sounds of buzzing cicadas, and the faint footsteps of the upstairs neighbors.

You spent four days in disbelief that your best friend was gone. With the proof finally in front of your eyes, your world came crashing down.

Wonwoo was really gone.

Saturday, May 03. 12:19 AM

When Wonwoo imagined leaving, he imagined it with you by his side. You would be in his passenger seat, fingers tapping to a beat. You guys would leave after saying goodbye to all your friends. Mingyu would cry and insist he can fit in the trunk, but ultimately let you guys go.

Instead, Wonwoo packed his stuff up alone, leaving his life behind at midnight. He started his car, thinking of you. When he leaves, how would you respond? Would you look for him?

As much as Wonwoo wanted to text you a place to meet him at, he wouldn’t.

Tossing his phone out the window, Wonwoo reversed, hitting the road for a new start. He wouldn’t know where to go, or how to start over, but he knew one day he would come back.

#wonwoo x reader #seventeen wonwoo #seventeen angst #seventeen au #seventeen imagines #svt au #svt wonwoo #svt angst #svt x reader #seventeen x reader #juji-han

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exyugoth · 1 year

Text

December 1st, 2022 (on grief and displacement)

As far as I can remember, at the age of 24, I have only been two funerals. Both happened during warm summer days spent in Bosnia. I was just a teenager when I attended the first one to show support to my godmother, who had just lost her grandfather. He was buried in the orthodox fashion. Neighbours, friends and family were present. A priest said a few words, before singing a haunting prayer. Everyone was so quiet and sad. The second one occurred years later, when I was a young adult and my cousins, who live in Bosnia, lost their nana. She was buried in the muslim fashion, a street away from their home. Again, neighbours, friends and family were present. The imam and some of her male relatives prayed for her. The atmosphere was heavy. A lot of people cried and could not stifle their sobs.

My grandpa, my dad’s dad, died when I was 15, but it is still feels like it only happened yesterday. I remember the moment I learned the news. I had been away for a week on a school trip to England. My grandpa had been sick for a little while and we’d get news over the phone regularly. I was young, so I didn’t think much of it, and my parents just let me be a carefree teenager. The day I got back from that field trip, my mum and my sister came to pick me up. As soon as we got home, I felt something wasn't right. Before we got there, the lights everywhere in the house were off. I asked “Where’s dad?” My mum took me to my room and put down my luggage there. She let me know my grandpa had passed away while I was gone and my dad had gone to Bosnia to take care of things. After that, I think I pretended I had to pee and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. We never were too good about communicating or sharing our feelings. I don’t remember much after that. I just know I felt really sad, but my parents made the choice for me that life had to go on. And so it did, except on the few nights I’m still occasionally hit by grief and I cry.

Death has hit a few other times since then. My grandma lost her sister during Covid, when travelling from France to Bosnia was impossible. I saw her melt in front of my eyes from grief. Only a year later, when they could finally go back, she was given some of her jewellery that she shows me from time to time. “Ovo je od moje Mine.” she tells me.

Then, a week ago, my grandma lost her brother, her only remaining sibling, from a devastating lung cancer. On a Thursday, his son called us to let us know he only had a few days left. My parents started planning a last minute trip to Germany where he lived, so they could see one another one last time, since Covid and old age had made travelling harder than ever, but he decided against it. He died on that Saturday.

"They were lucky to be in the same country when their relative died.” That’s a sick, selfish thought I had when I wrote those first few paragraphs. I try to make sense of things, and think for a second maybe if I got to bury all these people and say goodbye, it’d be easier. Of course, the reality is a lot different and it’s never that easy. As I got old, I realized wars create two types of distance, the geographical one and the emotional one. Because I don’t see my extended family that often, distance makes it hard to connect. If I don’t even get the chance to connect emotionally, it should be easy to handle death when it comes around, right? As a result, when I grieve those close to my heart, I think I mainly grieve what could have been. I grieve the stories I was never told about my parents, or my grandma, or their own life stories. I grieve the fact my sweet grandpa never really got to see me grow up and I never really got to see him get old. He saw me once a year, for a month. And, most of the time, I was too busy being a child running in the street with my friends, except for when he would force me to walk to the store with him so he could buy me all the chocolate in the world. Despite my occasional resistance, despite the little time we spent together, it was a widespread fact in the family that I was, somehow, his favourite grandchild. I always pretend I’m ashamed of it - because grandparents shouldn’t have favourites - but deep down I think I’m proud of it. I always wonder if he’d be proud of me today, were he still around. We both only got a glimpse of what our relationship could have been. I cannot wrap my mind around that kind of injustice.

In therapy, on Tuesday, as I sobbed because I felt like death kept knocking on my door too many times in a really short period and it was becoming inescapable and somehow the world kept spinning and life had to go on, I kept rambling about how impossible it was, because of the fucked systems we’ve created and continue to uphold, to live humanely. “What if I wanted to stop everything for three weeks or three months to take care of myself? Of my grandparents? To deal with the fact even grief has to take a widely different form for us displaced people, and daughters and granddaughters of displaced people?” “Why three months or weeks?” she asked. “I don’t know, Julia. Maybe all those years in Catholic school finally paid off and my subconscious can’t help but think about the Holy Trinity!” (Except I don’t actually call her by her first name, but I think it’d be funny if I did.) “But the point is I couldn’t do that!” “No, you’re right, you couldn’t do that. You can’t stop everything for three months, but you can try to set aside some time to write down what you’re going through and take that time for yourself. You can do little things for your grandparents too. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

I think all these thoughts and feelings would take more than a regular lifetime to process. But I don’t know what to do with them, so I might as well write about them, as per my therapist’s suggestion. Send them off into the ether. Make them other people’s problem too. Anything to avoid keeping it to myself in my sad brain and dealing with it on my own.

#grief #displacement #i'm a shit writer i'm sorry #just bosnian diaspora tings!!!!#does it count as blogging if it's just me whining?

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casspurrjoybell-26 · 11 days

Text

Too Old For This - Chapter 16 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Leroy wasn't sure what happened to him but there was a complicated numbness in his chest and buzz in his head that had started right after he had gotten home from dropping off Zachary and remained there until now, far into the next week with no indication of easing up anytime soon.

It was like they lodged a plaster into the panicked faucet of his brain that had burst open at the pipe when Zachary had kissed him.

He didn't want to deal with the leak or the warning sign that he was about to fall about from exhaustion and overthinking things, so he shut things off as quickly as possible.

It came with consequences... leaving him lying awake in bed for most of the night as he replayed the kiss in his head and heaved.

He remembered the feel of Zachary's lips... the ticklish feeling his twist coaxed from him when it touched his cheek.

He remembered his sighs and small sounds... murmurs that still made his stomach twist up with want from just remembering them.

Leroy felt sick.

The whole situation was consuming his mind and he didn't know how to make it stop.

He hadn't spoken to Zachary for a week, yet his mind couldn't get rid of him and his lips and emotions shouldn't let go of that altercation in the car.

He wanted it to happen again but he was also afraid that it would happen again.

He couldn't make up his mind and had probably started and deleted seventy texts since Zachary asked him how he was doing on Monday morning.

Leroy could barely think straight or follow a conversation at work or with his sister and mother at home.

Every once in a while, someone would have to physically touch him to get his mind to focus on them and not the static of thoughts in his head.

Oftentimes he would look up, disappointed, yet relieved that it wasn't Zachary.

"Yes," Leroy said, turning on his mic and camera, before forcing a smile for his manager and coworkers.

It was a Friday... the day he got to work from home.

Thank God.

Having to work in person since Monday had been torture.

"I was asking if you got the rest of your work done before Monday. I know it's the weekend..." she paused.

"But you haven't really been hitting targets."

Leroy sucked in his lip before nodding.

"I know. It's okay with me."

"Have you been feeling well? Because you know, you have sick days you haven't used yet."

Leroy blinked.

'Sick? Did he look physically sick? Fuck, that was tragic.'

"I'm not sick, I'm just dealing with an issue."

"You can use your sick days for mental health days. That's after you meet your targets, of course, you're the only one in your office," the lady said and Leroy just stared at her for a bit before nodding.

"Sure..." he trailed off and she smiled, looking away from him and back down to her paper before continuing the day's closing meeting.

When the meeting was over, Leroy logged out of his computer and stared at the black screen, finding it hard to think about anything or remember what he planned for the day.

He blinked, remembering that Saturdays were usually when he'd take a walk down the street to visit Zachary.

The man's soft smile and gentle gaze flooded his mind and Leroy could feel his chest warm up.

He let out a sigh, bending forward as he tried to calm down.

"What's happening to me?" he whispered to himself, still perplexed by the grip Zachary was having on his senses.

When he'd agreed to kiss him, he hadn't thought it would send all his senses tumbling down.

He'd expected his curiosity to fade,or at worse, get a little more intense.

But this wasn't just curiosity or any measure of it, it was a full-on existential crisis.

What did this mean for him?

For them?

Did he like Zachary?

Did he want a relationship with him?

And what about Zachary?

What did the older man want?

Even if they both wanted the same things, Leroy doubted anything could really work.

Zachary was ill and that was probably a higher priority to him than playing a couple and going on dates.

Where would they even go on dates?

How did Leroy even start explaining their involvement to anybody, including his friends and family?

He nibbled on his bottom lip as he remembered the last few texts Zachary had sent him, one of them asking him if he'd gotten home safe.

He wanted to reply but he wasn't sure what to say.

'Just call him,' a voice said in his head, echoing his annoyance with himself.

If he tried to keep responding to the text, he would be there erasing and rewriting messages for the next millennium.

So, Leroy got up, left the room that was used as a study and wandered to his own.

He closed the door and sat at the edge of his bed.

He fished for his cell-phone and unlocked the screen before he navigated to the messaging app and stared at Zachary's text for a little too long.

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hyunverse · 1 month

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HIIII RIRI <3 I am here to bother you again 😼! AHH, you being able to identify it was me without me mentioning the ‘🌕’ emote wasss SAURR SWEET, I LOVE YOU <3 & ADJDJD – The new hyunjin fic?? it was such a masterpiece, as always you never disappoint with your fics!! you always stay in character & that‘s super-cool!! <3 you literally keep raising the standard for fics 😩 it‘s literally hard for me find fics which are as good as the ones you write!! <3 & ahh, EXACTLYY, Mikasa should‘ve confessed, it was pretty obvious that Eren returned her feelings, but it is what it is 😭 & in the end, I feel like Eren‘s death was fitting, except, I wish Mikasa didn‘t kill him 😭 but yeah, what do you think? & I don‘t exactly have any plans for the weekend except studying 😭😭 & what about you?? do you‘ve anything planned for the weekend? <3

– 🌕anon <3

[ p.s : what is your favourite type of chocolate?? ]

hi moony <3 i love you loads!!!

EEEEK thank you so so much hehe, i wrote that in one sitting tbh. i couldn't resist writing soft hyune <33 i'm happy you think i write my characters well T_T especially hyune!! i try my best to depict him well. AND STOP ure being too sweet to me i don't deserve it T_T

mikasa killing her one true love OH it makes me so sick oh my god </3 poor her </3 besides jjk and aot, do you perhaps like any other animanga? i love chainsaw man hehe.

i have to do a lot of studying tbh but i think on saturday i'm going out to buy new clothes for eid. on sunday i'll be going to my grandma's house!! it's supposed to be eid holiday for me but god i have so many assignments that it doesn't feel like a holiday </3 super devastating. my gosh my bae wdym u'll be studying PLS TAKE IT EASY... do something fun as well pls!! if u have the time!!

mmm i like this specific butter biscuit chocolate from ritter's sport. i love it so so much hehe. hbu?

#꒰ ⌗ 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗠𝗔𝗜𝗟 ! ꒱#꒰ ⌗ 💌: 🌕 anon ! ꒱

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noosesurroundsme · 4 months

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sh and s stuff

I am really struggling to keep going. I can't get out of this rut I've been stuck in. Ever since late '22 when that stuff happened at work and I broke my sh free for a year streak I haven't been able to stop. It's not consistent but I feel awful that I'm still doing the same things I did when I was 13 or 14 to deal with my emotions when I'm 26 going on 27. I can't stop it. I did it twice with in a few hours at work on Wednesday, in a new place on my body. I did it yesterday. I hate it but it's working again. I was able to smile and laugh and have a good time on Wednesday after.

I feel bad realizing that it's almost been 6 years since the sh accident where I almost died and this whole time my mom and the rest my family thought I stopped. I also realized a couple days ago that I hit a mile stone of 10 years since I tried to hang myself November of '13. I thought that would make me feel good that I forgot, but I've been thinking about my 27th birthday and how little I want to be around after it.

I'm tired of feeling alone. I hate my existence. All I've ever wanted was to feel normal. I despise my identity. It's fucking awful. I just want to be seen as a woman and nothing else, and I am but having to tell people ruins everything. J doesn't want anything to do with me. He made it seem like he was fine with it, but he says he can't get over the night I came out to him. He will still say he doesn't see me as any different, but he "knows what I used to be." It don't understand how he can see me like every other woman but not at the same time. It hurts. He is hurting because he wishes he could love me like he wanted to before I told him and doesn't want to see me. He says he still wants me in his life but doesn't want to be around me. I want to run away and drive my car off a bridge or cut my s scar on my arm open. Idk how people can be proud to be trans, especially in our current political climate in the US. I feel like a fucking freak.

I am sick of life at home. My mom told me my youngest brother wanted a shelf put up in his closet last month, so I took down all of the old stuff and started making the new stuff. Every time he's screaming at me how I spend all this time on my Camaro restoration like I haven't been caught up doing home projects all year too and he only just told my mom he wanted me to do his closet. He screamed at me because it's not getting done fast enough, but I basically only have two days a week to work on it. I got it to the point that all the mud work was done so he could paint it and he still isn't done 3 weeks later. It's also been below 0 all week, our attic isn't heated so I can't sand and stain the pieces up there. My other brother (the middle one) is being a petty to me because last week Saturday when we got 15 inches of snow I didn't clean off his car (that's been sitting with a blown engine since April) and the little pathway around it, so he took the snow from his car and threw it on my trailer with my parts car for the Camaro. When my mom yelled at him for it because she saw it the same time I did, he told her I was being petty by not cleaning that area. I just hadn't gotten that far yet, I moved the trailer to make it easier for him but I had to fill the tires. The garage door wouldn't close after doing that because of the cold. I was planning to do it, but he started on the car before I could. No matter how hard I try, everyone still hates me. I'm sick of life.

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fallinghorizontally · 7 months

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The cause of your anxiety is your mother

Mine is, that's for sure. I've been having panic attacks almost every other day for the past 5 weeks now. They happen because my body randomly shoots out a physical symptoms like fast heart rate, chest discomfort, a feeling of dread, or weird spasms in my neck. It's so hard because I can never know if it's something serious or not. It's hard trying not to completely freak the fuck out in the middle of a symptom and most of the time I will. Sometimes I'm able to get ahold of myself but sometimes even if I do, for a moment, I'm stuck with nothing but dread that will turn into anxiety again and I'll feel another symptom again. It's so hard to be brave and tell myself that I'm fine in the moment when part of my brain tells me its serious and to top it off the fight or flight just makes everything seem so much more dire.

Whenever I have a panic attack and my moms around, I run to her for help and perhaps comfort. I wonder why I do this. It's almost like an instinct. I know she will be of no help so why do I keep running to her. Before shit hit, I would get anxious and it was a direct cause of my environment, I think. I think that if I am constantly under stress and emotional hardship it will manifest itself as anxiety and physical symptoms. Of course, I haven't been normal for a while. I constantly check my pulse and do other shit that "helps" my symptoms or anxiety. But that was manageable. I could live my life peacefully and still do those things even if I knew it was not normal. Ever since I moved back home, my anxiety has increased so much and maybe that's why I'm now in this fucking cycle of panic and anxiety. My mom is is too fucking much. I play many roles in her fucking house. I am an assistant, translator, baby sitter, therapist, accountant, DOCTOR, advisor, and so much more. It is too fucking much and the worst part is that all that shit is expected. I can't even get a sincere fucking thank you. I barely ask for anything, just empathy and it seems like I'm asking for the deed to the world. She's religious and she tells her church friends all of my ailments and according to them my mental illness is because of evil. That my anxiety is caused by problems that go beyond the physical and my mom thinks that I am constantly thinking about my past traumas. I mean sure maybe but it disregards the fact that hypochondria and mental illness in general is very fucking real and I feel like she does not fucking listen. I feel so lost and lonely. To her and her fucking church friends, I am empowered by the devil and if I don't submit to their religion then I'm going to hell. Like why the fuck would you tell that to someone who's already going through so much mental anguish not to mention the fact that I am not even religious. I simply don't believe in the white mans religion which they've been indoctrinated into believing. I don't need my mental problems to be pushed aside and labeled as "evil spirits." I want to ask all those old hags to stop taking their fucking diabetes and dementia treatments and to trust God with their sickness. That little plastic box with Sunday through Saturday labeled on it? Yeah toss those the fuck out, God has your back sister! Just because mental illness is something they can't ever understand, it is treated as something other worldly and it pains me so much because I am simply not heard and threatened with eviction if I don't submit to my moms religion. And I don't do it because I simply don't believe nor do I trust those people. They simply would not understand what I am going through and they would tell me to pray it away. It is such hypocrisy. I wish you could see my mothers medication cabinet as well as the boxes of diabetes injections in the fridge. I just wish someone would listen and actually understand what it is I am going through. Instead, I just get more shit, threats, stress, and terrible advice from people who don't understand this kind of disease.

And it just makes me more anxious.

Oh and I mention their medications because I am currently taking lexapro (just started) and my mom is so against it. She says I'm just gonna be a fucking addict and all fucking stupid and that it's a clutch or whatever. Basically she's against modern medicine when it comes to mental health, something she doesn't understand, hence the hypocrisy.

#anxitey #deppresion #mental illness #hypochondria #religious trauma #emotional incest

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icanonlybe-human · 1 year

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This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions and I’m confused and tired of it.

Friday was a bad day. I think I wrote here that day? But I honestly can’t remember. The days blend and mesh with each other and my dreams.

Saturday was a weird day. I wasn’t good but I wasn’t bad. It was so, so nice to see mum and nan, and we had a really big hug when I snuck up on them in the foyer. Mum even went to the effort of getting me an Easter goodie bag that had my favourite chips and popcorn and SO much chocolate (I’m going to share it around because it’s genuinely too much for me). But she also included a cute little “happy Easter” decorative piece, same necklaces based around the idea that onyx is for strength and amethyst is for peace. Plus a little keychain bunny which is really cute but needs surgery because it has a pretty big tear in the back.

And then Dad showed up. I had to make him give me a hug, and you could tell he was pissed (for context they got scammed in accommodation and paid 700 bucks for a place that doesn’t exist, so are trying to get their money back). He soured the room the entire time they were here, and made it really hard to talk. I think it was also hard for him being in one of the places that he called a “loony bin” for so long. I still want to have a talk with him but he hasn’t given me the chance to talk privately.

It honestly kinda sucked having them visit in the room. It’s 4 hours, Mum and dad have their heads in their phones, Nan can’t hear for shit and there’s not much we can talk about because Dad makes every conversation about him or mum asks me about how I’m “doing in [my]self” of which I have to answer awkwardly because I don’t want to give too much detail to worry her again.

It’s nice when we go out though. I think the big mood changer is that in my room, it’s obvious I’m in a ward, even if it’s a good looking one. But out there, they forget. I hide my tag and we act like we’re just out for tea in Melbourne and it’s nice. But it’s also exhausting going out into the real world, and I hate the fact that I have to act like I’m not a psych ward patient in order to have a normal conversation with my parents.

We saw Aunty N and Uncle Bo for dinner, and honestly, I wanted to lean in for a hug from Aunty N just as much as a hug from Mum. That’s never happened before. I think it’s the fact that she actually understands. Hell, she even made me realise that what I was feeling leading up to seeing my parents wasn’t excitement, it was anxiety. When Bo and N came to visit, I was excited. Basically bounced out of the lift. When AB said she’d visit, I got excited and then depressed when I realised she wasn’t coming. MC? Even though we haven’t been best friends for a long time, excited. But every other person is accepting of me being in here. Mum has been worrying herself sick, Nan didn’t really know what she was walking into and Dad? Well, he’s… him.

And tomorrow, we’re going to lunch with some ex army friends who used to add to my mental health problems back in the day. Literally pushed me to the point once where I got so overwhelmed I cried over spilt milk. They don’t believe in mental health problems, and think only people who have seen war shit should have PTSD. So I have to hide my tag, and not tell stories about my current situation, and try to avoid questions and paste a smile on and act like everything is normal.

But another part of me wants to say “fuck that and fuck them. Fuck society for making me act this way”. Who knows, I might just scream to the world that I’m a psych ward patient and laugh at their reactions. Because I have, quite frankly, had enough of this bullshit.

#diary #journal #mental illness #thoughts #psych ward #actuallyautistic #sa survivor

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gh0stchoir · 1 year

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The next day was a Saturday, and many had left UA to go visit their families, spend the weekend there. But before Tao could do the same, Filo had passed him up, asking him to come to her room. He had followed, of course, having intended to ask her if she'd join him and the League for the day. But before he could voice it, surprise took him over. They were not alone in the girl's room. Aoyoma sat on Filo's bed, looking as surprised as Tao did. Tao knew Aoyoma was one of the people Filo didn't really click with, not maliciously or anything, they just had nothing in common. They were polite around each other, but never hung out. Filo sat on her chair, humming. "Years ago, a quirkless boy was born", she began, irritating Tao. Why was she telling a story? "The boy asked his parents why he was quirkless, as he got bullied for it. The parents wanted their son to be accepted and loved, to be not different and a target. So they contacted someone society deems a monster, but who could provide the young boy with a quirk. In exchange, the boy's family had to work for the man, and if they ever disobeyed, they'd be killed and their son used in experiments. And now, the once quirkless boy is stuck with a quirk his body isn't adjusted to, one which hurts him. Forced to pretend to be a normal student, spying for All for One."

Tao felt ice-cold shivers run down his back. Was this his story? Were his memories wrong and this was actually his past and Filo was exposing him? But that wouldn't make sense, she had been so nice to him all the time! She had been nice to the League! And he knew what was true and what wasn't! Before more doubts could invade his mind, Filo turned to Aoyoma, who looked at her with shock and dread. "Tell me, Yuya. How much of your past did I get correct?" Tao stared. Slowly, his gaze shifted from his friend to the blond, who looked frightened, close to tears. AfO had a second spy in UA? A second spy in this very class? Why would he need Tao then, if he already had Aoyoma? Why put him under such stress and emotional baggage? Was this some sort of loyalty test?! Questios Tao had no answer to. But answering, Aoyoma did. He swallowed, then lowered his head. "All of it. All of it is true. How did you find out?"

Filo explained. How she was able to listen and piece the puzzles pieces together. “It wasn’t too hard.” She said. Honestly, it was almost as if she had some sort of second quirk. Aoyama sat in shame, head still lowered. Tao sat with wide eyes, brows furrowed together. His eyes landed upon Aoyama. “You know..Sensei?” Tao asked in quiet voice. The blonde flinched and looked up at him, now crying. He never was able to stop himself from crying in situations like these. He only nodded. Tao held his head in his hands. He had to speak to All for One. Had Tomura known about this? Surely not. He told him absolutely everything. “L-look..You’re not alone.” Tao said. Better to just tell him now. What would Aoyama do? Rat him out to the teachers? He’d be too frightened of revealing his own traitorous status. “We have pretty similar circumstances..I just don’t know why he didn’t tell me about you..” Tao ran a hand through his hair as he thought more. He couldn’t come up with any excuse. Wouldn’t he want them to know each other? Create a bond and plans if anything went wrong? Tao didn’t know. It hurt his head to think about it. All he knew at the moment was he needed to go to the League, as well as Filo. All he knew was he needed to confront AFO. He didn’t want to face him, to see the tall scary man. But he was at the point he had too many unanswered question. His mother, the experiments, why he was a spy at UA since now he learned Aoyama was just like him. Was this all some sick game? Was he just being used by the man who sheltered him for as long as he could remember?

“We won’t tell anyone..if that’s what you’re worried about.” Tao reassured as he stood, glancing at Aoyama who tried to dry his tears. “But I need to go..I-I have a lot of questions. Filo, you should come along..” Was all he said as he hurried out the room, putting on his hood. The day was a cold and stormy one. Fitting for the circumstances.

#ace—♡

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passingdaysthings · 1 year

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01.07.2023 - Realization/Disillusionment

01.07.2023 Realization/Disillusionment

Today is Saturday.

I've been writing a lot these days, but I guess that's because I have a lot of nighttime thoughts. I have been sick for more than a week now, and the cough I have keeps me up all night. I literally can't fall asleep until around 8 am or 9 am, and I only sleep for about 3 hours.

Recently, Taylor and I have had a change in our relationship, and I'm not sure if it's because this sleepiness is making my mental poor. The change could just be something I believe, but who knows. We just don't talk as much as we used to, and there are times I am sure he is ignoring me or doesn't wanna talk to me. It's pretty upsetting because I thought we were good friends, but I guess I'm wrong. It's also become very clear that he favors Victoria over me, or at least that's how I feel. He literally gets upset when I do certain things, but if Victoria does it, then it's completely fine. He is also much much nicer to her, but super mean to me. I guess I was used to his meaness because we spent a lot of time together, but it really punched me in the face recently how differently he treats me compared to Victoria. He even interacts with Victoria way more than me when we're all gaming together, and he acknowledges her comments and not mine. Victoria could literally make a comment similar to mine, and mine would get ignored. It's so funny to even talk about this because I still consider Taylor a good friend, but why does he treat me so differently? We also don't watch dramas together anymore because he said he is tired of watching them and doesn't enjoy it as much anymore. Maybe that's why I feel differently about our friendship. I used to think our friendship was special, but now, I just think I'm someone he talks to when he doesn't have the others to talk to. I've also thought a lot of us sleeping together and the pictures we send. As I've talked about before, I feel somewhat perplexed now because of how our friendship has become for me. I don't feel like I am someone Taylor values or cares for much. I know that he isn't someone who expesses his emotions well, so I do my best to overlook it because I want to be understanding, but it's hard.

I think the best thing for me to do is to just distance myself because bringing it up with him won't really do much. He doesn't talk about these kinda of things, and if he truly values our friendship like I believe, he will just ask me himself what is wrong. I really need to stop rationalizing things to make it seem like Taylor treats me well or something. Even as I reread what I wrote, I thought to myself, "Taylor is more comfortable around you, so he acts more honestly," but why does that mean he is mean to me? All of this is also just very poor for my mental health, and I feel like holding on too tightly to myself friendship with Taylor would do me more harm than good. I really wish I could go back to the beginning of our friendship when I didn't have to think to hard about these things, but that's not possible. We just know way too much about each other. Everything we know about each other is probably what's contributing to all of my inner turmoil because I know he doesn't have that kind of deep relationship with Victoria, so he just shows her his nicer side, and I see the more unfiltered side.

If I ever get the chance to ask Taylor,

Why are you so mean to me compared to Victoria? You'll probably respond with "I cant be mean to Victoria," but you can be absolutely ruthless to me?

Did I do something wrong? Is it my personality? Is it because I just brush off your comments? Am I a pushover?

What do you want from me?

What are we? Our relationship is so grey area. Haven't you ever thought maybe you don't have many close friends because you cross the friend boundary? You said that you've slept with your friends before, but then you rarely talk to them. What am I going to be then? Another friend you have just slept with? Do you wanna sleep with Victoria too?

You say we're two of your favorite people, but am I just an add on to Victoria?

I've asked you this before. Back in mid Aug and Sept, why did your platonic interest in me turn sexual? Why did you call me babe and your girl? Why were you possessive of me? You told me idk before, but I think you do know. Was it to play with me? Was seeing my reaction fun for you?

It's crazy to think how much has changed between Taylor and I. He is also such a hot and cold person. One moment, he is super nice to me, and then another moment, I'm like the most annoying thing. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells even more now than I have ever felt in our friendship.

I read some of our old messages, and it really saddens me how much things have changed between us recently. I'll have to quietly mourn the friendship we had a few months go.

-P

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 2 years

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102 of 2022

Things I Love/Like: Ice cream Swings Snow days Saturday mornings Star-gazing Small things that make your heart relaxed when you think about them Family Moments of realization that I’m not as alone as I too often think I am The ones who never give up on me Positive and creative people Funny people Trying new things Second chances Kisses on my forehead Kisses in general Cats. Friends Rainy days Smoothies Warm towels Waking up early to see a sunrise Sunsets Beach air, the sound of crashing waves Childhood photos Watching people smile and get excited Watching shelter animals who are happy and loved Broadway musicals Disneyland Walking in a big city Fruits Hot cocoa Christmas feelings Long holiday weekends Getting together with friends Watching movies Laughing so hard that tears come out of the eyes Puffy white clouds in a blue sky Sunflowers Plane rides Bubble baths Bookstores Random acts of Kindness Sweet Coffee Sleeping Babies Smiles from strangers Family fun nights Tea parties Making people feel special Quotes Reading Make up Birthdays Candles Puppies Being Silly Cuddles in front of the fireplace Nap Time Blogging Carnivals

Things I hate: Answering “no that’s not possible” when it really is Arriving at your destination realizing you forgot something Automatic flushing toilets Basketball Being early to the airport Being told “shh calm down” Dramatic/overly emotional girls Feminists (The Hypocritical one’s anyway) // this, everyone is equal and should have the same rights. Getting lost Girls with underwear lines Mexico Milk Morning breath Slutty girls Sweating Waking up before 7 am Abusers Bad breath Bad smells Being sick Boring music Bruises Cold days Commercials Greasy hair Headaches Not being able to think of anything to say People who think anyone who doesn’t use an apple computer is lame Racists Screaming children Screaming in general Sexists Slow internet connections Smoke A dirty house Being lied to Being made fun of behind my back That my new friends move away once i start to get “close” to them The words, “like,” and “uhm” Walking so fast all the time

Places I would like to go: Croatia India Sweden Iraq France Japan United Kingdom Canada Bangladesh Colombia Brazil Venezuela Serbia Nicaragua Mexico Poland China Lebanon Turkmenistan Uzbekistan Guatemala Hungary Australia Chile South Africa Tajikistan Iceland Greece Hong Kong

Favorite celebrities: Jay-Z Drake Beyoncé Lil Wayne Nicki Minaj Rihanna Eminem 50 Cent Madonna Gwen Stefani Taylor Swift Katy Perry Miley Cyrus Fergie Leonardo DiCaprio Jennifer Lopez Coco Chanel Kim Kardashian Vin Diesel Michael Jordan Zac Efron Cara Delevingne Selena Gomez Cameron Diaz

Things I want to do in my life: Road trip Learn a new language Watch the sunset and sunrise in one night. Fly first class Throw a surprise party Eat vegetarian for a month Go skinny dipping Attend a beach bonfire Learn to make wine Spend Christmas in Europe // I do it every time lol Party in Ibiza, Spain Study Spanish in Spain Go to Disneyworld Jump out of an airplane Go diving Take a long walk on a pink beach Learn self defense Visit Mexico Sleep in a treehouse Get a motorcycle license

#survey #bolding survey #themed survey

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hollyhomburg · 3 years

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Before I Leave You (Sneak Peak)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Someone always has to leave first; They just didn’t expect Yoongi to come back with a new omega (who's clearly been through some shit).

Pairing: Beta! Yoongi, Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin,

Tags: Polyamory, groupsex, sexual and non-sexual Dom/sub undertones, heat sex, praise kink, brief humiliation, Spanking, knotting, breeding kink, emotional abuse, physical abuse, forced mating marks, graphic murder scenes, negative self-talk, self-esteem issues, non-verbal characters, abandonment, PTSD, hurt/comfort, gluttonous fluff, agoraphobia, implied/referenced self-harm, suicidal thoughts and brief desperate suicide attempt, unreliable narrators. Gender dysphoria, transgender characters, internalized homophobia, internalized transphobia, internalized misogyny, unintended outings, epilepsy,

W/c: 100k+ (87k completed so far)

A/n: long time no see~ this is what I’ve been working on for the last few months! I hope everyone will like it. Updates will be once a week on fridays or saturdays at 5pm EST. This will also be cross posted on Archive of our own.

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“You shouldn’t be out here- you’ll get cold.”

Your hands play on the bannister. In the fountain, something trickles though it’s not full. It’s too early in spring and the flowers in the garden are reluctant to burst through the ground for fear of frost. Yoongi wonders how you’re not shivering. “It’s not the 1800’s Yoongi- people don’t die just from being cold” your revealing dress is probably something that your husband chose for you. it makes Yoongi’s blood boil.

You look a little bit better tonight, though Yoongi can't tell if the color in your face is actually real or from the thick layer of makeup that hides the bruises. The haze in your eyes, like you’re dissociating from everything, isn’t there anymore. Tonight, You’ve got a clarity that Yoongi savors. The scar is healing well, pink and hardly notable under the line of your jaw. Yoongi wouldn’t know it was there if he wasn’t looking for it.

Yoongi searches your face. “You misunderstand me, I said that I don’t want you to be cold, but maybe if you caught a cold- I could help you get better.”

He knows his words don’t make sense- but still you recognize what he wants to say but can’t. I could love you, I could make it better, I could care for you and only treat you with the gentleness you deserve. But Yoongi doesn’t say any of that- no- he only leans forward and offers his hands. “One dance? Before I take you home?”

Yoongi will drive you away from here- will take you and go to some gritty fast food place and get you full of however many calories your husband has made you skip. And he’ll spend the whole drive thinking about leaning across the console to kiss you. He could do it- quick. You’re not wearing lipstick and no one would know. Maybe he can’t help you yet- so starved of love that you look like a ghost. But tonight, he can surely make sure your stomach and your heart is full with the careful care that Yoongi knows he’s good at giving.

You keep Yoongi at an arm's length as he leads you in the waltz, day dreaming of a hypothetical illness, some sickness that can be fixed by a few days rest and some warm soup that Yoongi could provide. The two of you pulled together in a bed however big or small- you wouldn’t mind as long as you got to be this close. His hand on your forehead crooning, “you’ve got a fever lovely.”

It’s a beautiful day dream, but not better than reality as he pulls you in tighter against him in your skimpy gown. It’s only to keep you warm- he justifies. And you melt into his hold. His hands are wide, warm, and better than any jacket as they cup your sides and the small of your back. You stumble on the uneven cobblestones of the garden and Yoongi heaves you up so that you’re balanced on his toes.

He spins you, going faster in the practices steps, making you giggle- a sound that he’s never heard from you and wants to hear again and again. You slow to a more gentle pace, Swaying softly from side to side. You rest your whole body against him and Yoongi holds you up.

For the first time he can smell your real scent, you smell sweet and bready, like a freshly baked cake, something warm inside on a day that the rain pours outside. You smell like cozy lazy Sundays and cupcakes. Yoongi wants to bury his face in your neck but won’t without asking.

He wonders if you like his scent just as much as he likes yours.

Before he can ask, you pipe up. “You just had to take all the good didn’t you?” its not said bitterly, but musing. Out of two brothers, why would one have so much more softness than the other? One gentle and kind while the other is bloodthirsty and violently selfish. Why did you have to choose wrong?

“What would it be like Yoongi? If you took me away from here what would it be like?” you’re crying, barely daring to utter the words. The two of you both know from experience that tempting fate never ends well but you’ve never wanted anything so badly.

Yoongi struggles to hold onto your happy scent. You know how much wanting something you can’t have can hurt you. Reaching out like you’re prepared to grasp the future he’ll paint for you, holding onto the lapels of his coat as you cry. Yoongi just runs his hands up and down your back to comfort you through the longing.

Like this garden aches for rain, Yoongi aches to give, anything and everything, his heart on a platter if that’s what you wanted.

“We’d get takeout every few nights and play rock paper scissors to decide who gets to be the little spoon, we’d have a rule of no yelling in the house, I’d take you out to the ocean and make you s’mores whenever you wanted. You could steal my clothes and I’d never ever say a word about It.”

You laugh at that- somehow, Yoongi just knows that’s something you’d do. He’s known enough omegas, he knows that courting one means you voluntarily give up half of your sweatshirt collection. He keeps speaking softer, like to whisper his wishes out loud is like trying to hold onto a shooting star.

“And-” Yoongi takes a deep breath, tilting his face forward so that your foreheads are aligned. So close. This is the closest Yoongi has ever let himself get to you. “-I’d love you until we’d both had our last breath. I’d leave you sticky notes on the refrigerator telling you that I love you every time I had to leave. I’d never- ever let you be cold. And I’d show you my pack”

Yoongi can feel you swallow thickly at his promises- and he hopes- hopes more than anything else that they’re not empty ones. You always forget that he has someone else- that there are several someone-else’s who have Yoongi’s attention the way you do. He is the moon and you’re just something he orbits around. There are other celestial objects caught in his orbit. “What are they like? What’s it like to have a pack?”

Yoongi tries not to let himself get misty eyed, “it’s everything, it’s love and having everyone there all around you but it’s also so much fun, you’re never alone- you always have someone to be around and it’s not even- it doesn’t even feel tiring. Even when you want to sleep you’d rather stay up with them.” Yoongi slides his finger underneath one of the straps of your dress, playing with it. “Telling you what they’re like- well- that would take me hours”

Your laugh is pretty, and it slips through yoongi’s fingers like smoke “That sounds beautiful.” Yoongi holds you like you might be a piece of that- a piece of his pack that he hadn’t known he’d been missing. That's probably why your next words hit him so hard.

“I wish I could have seen it. Get back to them safe alright? Do me a favor and love them like you would have loved me.”

*Part 1 Coming Friday April 9th @ 5pm EST*

#bts fanfic #bts mafia au #bts omegaverse au #bts polyamory au #bts x reader #bts poly au #bts werewolf fic #bts fluff #bts angst #bts hurt/comfort #min yoongi fic #min yoongi x reader #yoongi x reader #min yoongi #omega! reader #bts a/b/o au

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kojinnie · 3 years

Text

With The Exception of You

I dislike everyone in the room.

Pairing/Character: Reiner x Reader (she/her), Porco Galliard

Tags: SFW, fluff, college!au, Reiner Braun is a jock who is tired of his own friends, secret relationship

WC: 3.2K

Summary: Reiner had agreed to be in a discreet relationship with you, but after six months and with the arrival of Porco Galliard around you, he couldn’t help but to mark his territory.

Reiner couldn’t seem to fathom the butterflies wreaking havoc in his stomach. It came out of nowhere, as it often happened to be. Once in a while, he could feel his guts twisting as his chest filled with overflown emotions at odd times. Reiner hated it when it happened, because as much as he wanted to convince himself that he wasn’t self-aware of his image, those feelings could potentially strip himself off of his cool guy status.

Reiner had come to realize that such strange feeling often occurred caused by the sight of you.

It could be anything. Things so mundane, so simple. Like the way you twisted the pen in your fingers, the way you squinted your eyes at the blackboard during a lecture, and how you hastily scribbled things on your leather-bound notebook.

Or maybe it’s the way you sighed deliberately loud when someone uttered a dumb, sexist remark in class with no trace of shame, after they tried to debate your sound, well-researched opinion, and how you’d resolved it with a sarcasm that could disintegrate a man’s ego. Reiner sat on the corner of the classroom, disguising his chuckle by clearing his throat, finally coming to experience what they had called butterflies-in-your-stomach all along.

At that point he had found himself painfully and helplessly in love with you.

He was well-aware of how different the two of you were. Reiner was the athlete, admitted to the uni through football scholarship, and you were the hard-working academician that mostly kept to yourself – hard to approach, hard to tame. Reiner hated how stereotypical he was – tall, buff, blonde, jock, with cheerleader exes and a DM full of thirst trap from his assembly of admirers. Reiner once wished he was anything but a cookie-cutter of everything you had been appalled of.

Reiner could feel every ounce of confidence he had ever had shriveled around your presence. It’s the way the two of you almost collided to each other at the campus hallway, and the way you threw an acknowledging, formal smile at him before striding away that made his heart ached. He wished you’d run to him and shriek his name with affection, but Reiner realized you were not one of his cheerleader exes, and not that he wanted you to be one. You were an anomaly he had yet to understand. A misplaced figure sticking out of his history of penchant for conformity.

“I really like you.” one day he finally said. Never had he been weak on the knees for a confession to any girl before, but this one occurrence? He did.

He didn’t know how he mustered the courage, but after hours, days and weeks he had spent trying to know you – learning your favorite song, accompanying you for book hunting, baking your favorite muffins, texting you good morning and good night – he finally got you alone, in the campus library, only five minutes before closing time.

You laughed at first, because the confession sounded ridiculous to you. The last thing you needed was a horde of girls sending you anonymous hate comments on Insta because you took the campus’ most eligible hunk off of the market. But he didn’t laugh along, and that was when realization hit you.

“So, is that why you’ve been following me around?”

Reiner furrowed his thin, almost non-existent brow, “What do you think?”

“I thought you were just bored with your jock friends,” you scoffed, “because you know, I’d be bored out of my ears too if all I ever heard all day is insecure men constantly praising themselves.” you glanced at Reiner, trying to discover even the slightest amusement on his hardened face to no avail.

“Reiner, are you serious?”

He sighed, couldn’t believe his ears. The first time ever Reiner caught you being stupid beyond recognition, “For the millionth times, yes.”

“You’ve only said it once, though.”

“For fuck’s sake,” the jock grunted, but there was a slight smile arose from his face, “I like you, really much. Times eight hundred ninety-eight thousand.”

“And?”

“So would you be my girlfriend?”

And you said yes, after three minutes of hesitation, you said yes. With a laughter. Because the absurdity of you being with someone like Reiner was lurid. Yet still, you were in no capacity to lie when his good morning text had been the most unsubstantiated text you looked forward to every day.

You wondered why? It’s just text. But maybe, you tried to convince yourself, it’s because of the effort he put, of trying to wake earlier before you every morning although he was hardly a morning person. Or it’s the way he listened to your kind of music although he was practically tone deaf, and returned to you the next week with his analysis on why your favorite band’s first album was their masterpiece and that sadly they never outdid it with any of their following albums.

And maybe, it’s the sight of the topless Reiner in the football field, after a home match. The way he was quick to run to the side of the field with his Captain instinct, lurching himself towards the start of a brawl between the two teams’ players, heated by animosity over the match result. Reiner was strong enough to break at least ten muscular jocks apart from throwing punches at each other, and with his deep, stern, authoritative voice, he commanded them to “Stop it. Fuck off.” You remembered immediately leaving the bleachers and found the nearest toilet because you needed to breathe and that you felt things simmering in your nether area. You never felt like that before to any of your exes.

Reiner knew the mutual pining between the two of you was evident, and so he was left puzzled when you said, “But please don’t tell anyone yet.” He asked why, but you only shrugged your shoulder with an answer that gave very little explanation, “I just don’t feel like having people talk about us.”

Reiner trusted you, because at first, he thought it was for modesty, you were not a fan of the limelight, evidently. Or it’s for practical reason, you don’t want to be burdened by society’s expectation on how two adults in relationship should be. Reiner could make 1,000 excuses for you that would justify your terms and conditions, so he went with what you wanted, because he was so hopelessly into you.

Nonetheless, still he enjoyed holding your hand in the dark alley of the campus – away from all the prying eyes, or the girls that’d giggle walking past the beautiful giant. Still he liked to have you sleeping naked in his embrace, making lazy circles with his calloused digits on your small back, at the emptiness of his dorm room when his roommate was home early for Christmas. Still he enjoyed teasing you at unassuming place, at the quiet library, studying together in silence for the upcoming exams, he’d be sitting next to you, leaning to his chair and slithered his right hand underneath your sweatshirt, to playfully and quickly unclasped your bra, only for you to smack his stomach in annoyance. He liked you, and he liked how you scurried to the restroom to fix your bra. He liked to be with you, no matter in silence or in noise.

However, after six months, questions started to throb incessantly inside Reiner’s mind. Even after all the time you had spent together, why must still he go alone to the football team soiree? Why would you let his team mate thought that Reiner was single, and promised him chances with girls, left and right? Why were you unfazed to see the girls sliding into his DMs? And when you put on that tight, backless black dress on New Year’s Eve, why would you put it for your friends’ party, and not for his eyes only? Why would you color your lips with the blood red Chanel lipstick Reiner gave you, and smile at other people that’s not him?

Reiner could not make sense of you. He pondered, he wondered and he became jealous. He’d look at you intently and see whether there was any trace of other man on you that he had not recognized? He’d become quiet and his friends thought he had gotten sensitive over nothing. The captain had become agitated, irritable and his head was hardly in the game – all with seemingly no reason.

Reiner began to think that he knew the reason why. He thought it’s the boy you’d met at the Academic Writing class, with stupid name and equally stupid undercut. Porco Galliard, you said his name was. In an instance his name had become a staple in your conversation. When Reiner asked you out for a dinner, it’d be like, “Ah sorry babe, I got this assignment with Porco.” A trip to the zoo? “You know, Porco have this funny experience with apes.” A night out in his dorm? By the point Reiner had a half-boner forming already seeing you in your lounge shorts, you’d be giggling and stayed busy with your phone. Reiner asked, “What’s so funny, babe?”

“What’s so funny, babe?” he asked again, because you didn’t seem to hear the first time he asked you. Distracted, you showed a stupid meme on your phone, “Porco sent me this.”

Porco here, Porco there. Reiner was sick of hearing that dumb name.

He had tried to look up for his background, and he hated to find that all that ever came up about him were amicable. His friends knew him, said he was chill, said he was smart as fuck, said he had a cool family, said he turned down a track and field scholarship for law school. Porco Galliard is a cool dude, they all said.

At certain point Reiner had grown to be furious, and the more your text messages became sparse or the more you spent your Saturday nights without him, the more he set his mind to do something about the two of you. He had become so sick of hiding and he wanted the whole world to know that you were his. Especially that guy with a name that sounded like her mother hated giving birth to him.

So came that day. You hadn’t been replying to his texts since morning, and only did so after chains of messages he left.

[you | 11.35] oh my god reiner!!! I’M SO SORRY, i left my phone uncharged all morning. i’m heading to cafeteria rn, it’s muffin tuesday 😵👅

[reiner | 06.37] good morning baby

[reiner | 07.49] you awake now?

[reiner | 08.15] sleepyhead 😪💤 see you today pretty

[reiner | 10.23] i got practice today until late. see you tonight? my room?

[reiner | 10.55] are you in class rn?

[reiner | 11.36] wanna go together?

[you | 11.45] haha noo a lot of people there

[reiner | 11.45] who r u going with?

[you | 11.55] with pockooo haha we got class together after lunch

Pocko. Is that an endearing term you came up with for the jizzhead? Reiner thought, pissed off beyond compare. He paced restlessly in his room, trying to figure out what did Porco have that he didn’t have? Thinking of how his undercut made his head looked way bigger for his neck, just like sperm; and it made Reiner mad angry. “Fuck you, Jizzhead”, he hissed, kicking the pile of dirty laundry on his dorm room.

The cafeteria was bustling busy when you arrived with Porco. The two of you immediately joined the line for lunch and the muffin. The man was busy babbling about yet another stupid thing that he had done back in high school, but your mind was darted on the muffins that were sold off fast. You looked around and almost everyone you disliked were present – mostly Reiner’s jock friends and their girlfriends. The prospect of one day going public with Reiner and having to spare days in your life to socialize with these loud people made you squirm. Not that you were completely against it, you were just… enormously reluctant to do so. Also, what would they say about you? You barely existed for them, evident by how they just greeted Porco with huge affection, yet pretended like you were invisible despite the fact that you were talking and standing close to him.

Your mind was elsewhere, between eyeing the muffin and managing your detest towards the it crowd, you weren’t even listening to the small talk that Porco was having with some of the jocks, until the mention of your name spilled out of Porco’s mouth, “Hey, have you guys known ___ before?”

You blinked with surprise, and they looked at you unenthusiastically, “Ummm, no?” one of them said.

Porco stared at them in disbelief, as if not knowing you was a big sin, “Get to know then! She’s cool, she’s really into—” but even before Porco could finish his words, they averted their attention elsewhere, pulling out their phone like it was the most important thing in the world, and talked amongst themselves. How fitting, because the first thing they talked about as an excuse for ignoring you was to talk about Reiner, “The captain’s been grumpy. Haha. That man. What’s up with him?” You cringed, because you knew there was no weight in talking about Reiner that must be done at that time, that moment. They just wanted a reason not to be roped into talking to you, obviously because you didn’t think you were cool enough or some other shit excuse only them and their bobbleheads understand. So, conveniently throwing out Reiner’s name was an effective way to basically say ‘haha look at us talking about the coolest guy in the campus so you know we’re in this cool clique unlike you’. You read them too well. You couldn’t even be amused anymore.

Porco looked embarrassed, he smiled at you awkwardly and stayed silent, until one of the girls threw their attention back to the man dirty blond undercut, “Anyway, Porco, do you know Reiner?”

“Ah, I haven’t had the chance to.”

The girl frowned rather dramatically, “Oh my god, we all should totally hang out together with Reiner, right? He’s like—super cool.” her question was obviously in exclusion of you. You rolled your eyes and turned away to see new text from Reiner appearing.

[reiner | 12.15] im going there

[you | 12.16] convenient. right in time. your cool friends are all here and you can sit with them and be cool with them or whatever I guess haha

You immediately pulled your phone to your chest; you could feel your heart thumping. Is this it? Is this it? The question became menacing in your head, because you were not sure on what Reiner was planning to do. The line to the muffin was still far away, and it would be stupid to run away.

[reiner | 12.17] idgaf about em

[reiner | 12.19] i want u

You could hear the girls were still talking about Reiner. Reiner this, Reiner that. You were nowhere to lie that you could feel your chest heat up with annoyance. The way their squeaking voice praised Reiner’s body, Reiner’s personality, Reiner’s wit. For the first time, you knew you were experiencing jealousy, vibrant and up-close.

“You know what? One time, Reiner thought that the way I did my hair was so cute that he wanted—”

Just in time, one of the boys raised his voice, “Oi Reiner!” and in unison the jocks erupted, welcoming his arrival like they were in some goddamn party.

You could see Reiner walking towards the line you were in, his face was hardened and his walk was swift. You immediately turned away to look at the opposite direction, not wanting to see him.

“Yooo Reiner! Where have you been? We’ve missed you dude,” one of them said. You cringed at how they all tried so hard to sound cool, “have you met Porco, by the way? And his friend—”

“—hey, what’s her name again?” one of the girls chimed in, asking Porco instead of asking you directly, as if you were not there. At that point, Reiner was standing not too far behind you, and you pretended like you were too busy with your phone, hoping the floor would engulf you instead.

“Is she like, deaf or something?” the girl whispered to Porco with a jeer, before getting back to Reiner, “So, Rei, I’ve got this party—”

“—yo Capt, do you know that—”

“—have you heard about the news, dude? Like—”

The way all these people tried to suck up to Reiner was so pathetic and incessant, they all chirped like hungry birds all in a matter of couple of seconds. You hated them and you hated the situation.

“—come on, Capt, that would be awesome—”

“—oh my gosh, Rei—”

“—you must try it, Rei—"

“Shut the fuck up,” Reiner said. Rather abruptly. His voice was cold and deep, like he couldn’t give a damn in this world about any of them. Surprised, they all dropped quiet in an instance. You looked over your back at him. Reiner was staring at you, and at you alone, not even at the Jizzhead he had grown to hate so much, “you all talk too fucking much.”

You snorted, suppressing a laughter to escape from your mouth. Clearly, it was too audible, that the girls were now looking at you with complete disdain.

“Babe,” Reiner said, staring at you, while you were still facing the opposite direction, “babe, what are you doing with this Jizzhead here? I can bake you muffins remember? If you want it so much.”

Your surrounding fell deep in silence. Everyone was either confused or surprised. Murmur started to sweep over the crowd, most audible was: ‘Who is Jizzhead?’

You scoffed, finally turning your back, although still closing your mouth trying to prevent the laughter and the embarrassment to display itself.

“What the hell?” one of the girls asked in dismay, obviously she was one of the girls sliding into Reiner’s DM and sending him bikini photos by the pretense of ‘Rei, you should join us for summer holiday!’ when all she wanted to do was to show her tits.

“Shut up,” Reiner said to her, baffling the girl to complete silence, “and stop sending me your beach photos. They’re ugly.”

An uproar of restraint laughter was heard throughout the cafeteria.

“Babe,” Reiner said again, this time extending his arms toward you, gesturing for you to come closer, “now you know why I need you, right? My friends are fucking whack.”

Few laughter was starting to break. Yet Reiner was unfazed.

“Reiner, what—”

“—yo dude, what the hell?

“—who is she?”

“—are they dating?”

“And listen here, you hag,” Reiner now turned his attention to the girl who called you deaf, “she’s got a name. Her name is ___, and she’s my fucking girlfriend.”

Embarrassed yet amused, you finally let out a small chuckle, “Reiner, please you’re humiliating me.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged off. Reiner now turned his attention to Porco, “and listen here you, Jizzhead. You can be nice to her but keep in your fucking mind, she’s mine.”

Without hesitation, Reiner pulled your hand and yanked you closer to him. You stared at him for a second, eyes broadened and heart thumping, “Reiner, what are you gonna do—”

“—shut up.” he said, cupping your face with his gigantic hands, and pulled your face roughly to him, before landing his dry, chapped lips to yours. He had gone sick of pretending, and doing things in secret. So there Reiner Braun was, hungrily, longingly, sloppily devouring your lips with his mouth, so deep, so thirsty of your taste. He finally showed the world who the true owner of his heart was. You.

#reiner x reader #reiner x you #reiner braun #attack on titan reiner braun #porco galliard #shingeki no kyojin #aot #snk #reiner fluff #attack on titan #aot fluff

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