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i have never felt this hurt more than being unwanted or ignored. i could say that words cuts more than swords, but in this case i need people to speak, to tell me, because i really have no idea about it. i hate unclear stuffs, hazzy things or no transparancy.
i hate that i can't do the same things to others like what they did to me. i love that everyone minding their own businesses, they didn't always have good mood, i understand that they are never being here with us, knowing our problems or simply just listen. but here, sometimes the small piece heart of me expecting the same way what i have given to them. same kind of supports, and get the chance to be listened or being understood.
fuck equality to others. fuck friendships and those supporting shit. i realize in the end that it was not enough for me. i was not enough to them. i need to divide what a pure kindess and know what it means to give selflessly without expecting something. i keep telling myself to ignore them and minding my business. doing something like what exactly they did to me.
but again, i just do not have heart to do it. small heart of me stopped me and telling me that i should do things purely without holding any grudge. towards everyone. in the end, i can't ignore them. i'm just staying away, disappear and being forgetten.
i gave up again and acted as if there is nothing happened. having fun and speaking there and here for myself, and with myself. telling the world that i'm happy. i'm good enough. and more, at the same time i realize that it's not always give and take. i know. i know i need to hold myself, deliberately for our friendship or relationship's sake.
and you know what. it hurts me the most. most of times.
“Maybe I made a mistake yesterday, but yesterday’s me is still me. I am who I am today, with all my faults. Tomorrow I might be a tiny bit wiser, and that’s me, too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I was, who I am, and who I hope to become.”
Buddha quotes are taken from reference of "Ajanta Aparupa" which describes jataka tales with Ajanta paintings. Writer Narayan Sanyal got Rabindra Puraskar (Rabidra award) in 1969 for The book "Ajanta Aparupa"
Mahajank Jataka : This fort of materials holds my breath. I will take asceticism. I have found the way.
Sibli(Wife of Mahajank) : What is the fort of materials?
About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.