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mysticdragon3md3 · 1 year

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6:14 AM 4/26/2023

I still like to read El's fatal flaw as her unrelenting Resolve. The same ideal that's advocated by so much Shonen Manga and anime in general, shows off it's negative, flip side in FE3H through her. As I've said before, she never doubts herself, but that also means she never checks herself. She is always moving forward, unquestioning her path. In my opinion, it's also why she neither seriously considers changing her overall strategy, nor questioning the costs/"ends justifying the means". She laments the costs of her path, but she never lets it change her---which I think is the big difference between Dimitri's past of "villainous deeds" vs her past/present of villainy. (She's the villain of 3 out of 4 routes, the character designers put horns on her head and dressed her all in red like a devil, and then named her house "black" like darkness even though her house color is clearly red. FE3H did a lot to hint she's the villain. But that doesn't mean she still can't be the hero of her own story, and I think the FE3H devs honestly wanted that too.) I think it's symbolic that at the end of Azure Moon, she tries to kill Dimitri with the dagger that he had given her once in their childhood, which she says encouraged her to move forward, and a second time as adults, while Dimitri told her to use it to cut her own path. At the end of Azure Moon, El is defeated and Dimitri offers her a truce. But she is so myopically focused on her predetermined path, that she brings out the dagger that symbolizes her moving forward with her plans, no matter who/what she has to cut through or at what costs. And she uses it to try to kill Dimitri, because she honestly thinks she can still win. She can't see any other path for herself, besides the one where she wins thru force and conquest. But as admirable as Determination and Resolve are, in and of themselves, she demonstrates their tragic aspects by not even considering the alternate path of cooperation and drastically changing her strategy.

It's kind of ironic that she is so tied to her predetermined path of solving all of Foldan's problems through conquest, even if that path was determined by herself. Because she has so many moments where she almost sighs forlornly up at the sky, like at Gronder, and simply moves forward saying "And so we fight on", as if she's so sad about fighting all her old classmates, but helpless to stop it---or worse, willing to push down and ignore those feelings of dissonance and compassion, in order to make their deaths acceptable costs. And that latter is supposed to be "strength"??? El demonstrates a lot of good questions that the writers probably want us to ask, but blindly following her like she "did nothing wrong" deprives people from those productive questions. As I understand it, she has many moments throughout her route, of feeling bad for what she "must" do. But for all her "strength" in following her Determination and Resolve, she seems more helpless against it and powerless because of it. The ironic thing being that it is within her own power at any time to stop the war, cooperate instead, and/or pinpoint her attacks onto specific problematic authority figures (whether Rhea, the Agarthans, or those Faerghus nobility she mentioned, I think in 3Hopes, who were too tied to the Church). But instead, she is helpless against a predetermined path of her own making…knowingly, because she thinks it gives her strength.

(Not to bring up Sengoku Basara 2009-2011 again, but… This is just like Toyotomi Hideyoshi, thinking he has to prove his Resolve to himself, and thus his commitment to becoming "stronger" or his Resolve in being "strong", by killing the person he loved the most. As if killing those you care about are proof to yourself that you can achieve Resolve and walk a path towards "strength". But is it really Strength when you're killing off your compassion towards others? Making calculations weighing some lives as worth the nebulous "better future world" you're still speculating to make?)

Anyway, another thing I thought interesting was how each of the 3 main lords seem to represent different paths by contrasting each other.

People often say they don't understand the point of the Golden Deer, as if Claude's route seems too unrelated to the personal drama between Dimitri and El. But I think Claude was a vital contrast to El. Not only was he someone who was shown in his Supports to question himself, when confronted with being wrong, immediately pivoted to fix his flaws, but also when confronted with his blind spots, he took them in earnestly and head on. He is not someone who only finds Strength in rigid Resolve, but also in flexibility and adaptability. He also constantly reminds us that there are better ways than war to get even the dirty jobs done. I find it so strange that we have one lord, El, who acts like war/conquest is the only solution, while we have a prominent lord character, frequently reminding us that poisoning, subterfuge, and manipulation ARE A THING. To paraphrase an old ninja saying, a general killed in his bed in his sleep, is just as dead, as if you had sent hundreds of your soldiers to die on the battlefield, trying to take the general down. It is continuously ironic to me that El worked with subterfuge practitioners like Hubert and the Agarthans, and yet she is too set in her ways to consider making full use of such tactics.

The 3 main lords tell 3 different types of stories, which are made more interesting in how they clash and contrast with each other. El is on the anti-hero path in her route and the villain path in 3 other routes. She is in a tragedy story, because she refuses to acknowledge or change her flaws; she does not change/Grow. Dimitri is on a more typical hero or anti-hero route. He has a fall and does a lot of terrible things for a long time, but we witness his journey through that, towards repentance and redemption. He CHANGES and is the one forever bringing up his commitment to change and repentance. Claude on the other hand is on more a paragon story. He has already done almost all his Growth before the main story even starts. By the time he reaches Fodlan, he has already settled into an ideal of turning his tragic experiences into fuel for constructive change in himself and compassion extended outward to others, while not letting his past bog him down into sadness or obsession. And his plans to extend his compassion outward, also takes into consideration, respecting others' differences and accepting the hard work it would take to persuade dissenters without always resorting to violent force. He is already mature enough to not be looking at only himself and his past trauma, unlike the other 2 main lords. Meanwhile, we experience with Dimitri, his obsession with his past trauma, his reconciliation with his past trauma, and his eventual mature state of mind, focusing his efforts more on others than on his revenge, just like Claude. Meanwhile, El uses it as motivation for all her actions, which could be said to be pretty much revenge against the Church, the Agarthans, her past, the systems of Adrestia, and the whole world. She does all this self-focused mindset and actions, while refusing to acknowledge how she's centering everything in her world around her trauma and in a non-constructive manner towards others, thus still actually making everything about herself and her trauma. Meanwhile, Claude has already looked past his trauma and focuses more on others, and Dimitri's entire story is about his process of working to look past his trauma, to focus on others instead. As someone mentioned once, the majority of Claude's Supports are him offering help to the Golden Deer and solving their problems. Similarly, Dimitri takes on the mantel of king as a responsibility to serve his people, taking it as even more important than whether it's a position he deserves or if his past crimes can ever be redeemed.

I once said of Sengoku Basara 2009-2011's Date Masamune that his infinite Strength came from his heart being externalized outward. He seemed invincible because the thing he cared about most, wasn't obsessing over his past trauma or his own selfish wants---which he demonstrated in episode 1 he was willing to forgo for the sake of others. The thing he cared about the most, were his soldiers, the normal people of Sendai, the normal people of his entire country, who just wanted to live peaceful lives. There are only 2 times in that series when he actually puts his hand to his eyepatch, as if his traumatic lost eye was actually painful to him: When he worried about endangering the lives of his soldiers. A warrior of Strength and maturity, extends their concerns outwards, not centered on themselves. A general, waging wars to prove their own "strength" to themselves, to become "stronger", to avenge their past traumas, all while ignoring how it effects the normal people, who shouldn't have to be soldiers, is not a good leader. Whether Toyotomi Hideyoshi or El.

But since El is all about "the ends justify the means", why not interpret this by her own terms. She's doing all this horror, in order to establish a system that will supposedly be more beneficial for all. And that's where I think the contrast with the other main lords becomes interesting again. Claude is repeatedly said, within the canon text, to have the same goals and interests as El. Yet they contrast in their methods to achieve those goals. In a war story like Fire Emblem, it would be very easy, and often is the case of such stories, to just assume war as the only option. It's how the plot happens for the expected genre. But it's very interesting that we have a 3rd lord like Claude, who comes in to remind us that not only can conflicts be resolved through negotiation, but he is often spoken of (and in 3Hopes, shown) to be actually doing the hard work of negotiation with other authority figures, until he can convince them to his side. The best part being that Claude is flexable enough that we can trust him to be open to compromise, rather than rigid stubbornness in his positions. We've seen him admit mistakes and blind spots in his Support conversations. He knows how to meet conflict with a laugh, then actual practical argument points (see his Support with Lorenz), as well as pivot to integrate what he can learn from those that he has had conflict with. Even with people he conflicts with, Claude is always smoothing things over and encouraging cooperation. (Not just in his Lorenz support, but also in his Fire Emblem Heroes conversations with El. He is always luring her in with agreement, but then sliding in a contradictory point to consider, with the least amount of intimidation, until he moves the conversation the way he wants it to go.) Claude demonstrates that El's methods are unnecessary and methods more true to Compassion can achieve the same goals.

(And anyway, as the video essay "Edelgard Will Always Lose" by BOOFIRE191 noted, she is essentially creating the same system and similar problems as Rhea. A pure meritocracy always sounds nice, until you realize it's ignoring needed equity, for twisted versions of equality, while pretending external misfortunes don't exist, as if everyone in misfortune deserves it for not "pulling themselves up by their bootstraps". Or as Dimitri said, "It is the path of the strong, so it can only benefit the strong.")

Anyway, that was too much rambling about my problems with El. I guess I had stuff to get off my chest for a long time. As someone mentioned, Claude's flaw was being too secretive and still having a little more Growth to go, towards being as open to forging bonds with other people, as would have ideally better facilitated cooperation. Maybe some people wouldn't have felt the need to start wars if they were earlier and better made to feel they could collaborate with and trust others. Who knows? And Dimitri's flaw was his obsession with his revenge. We know that; we saw his entire Growth through his story. But that's as even as I'm willing to get about the 3 lords' flaws. I still have more problems with the Emperor, than the other 2 lords.

#lrb~lrt #rambling #random thoughts #contrasts #I don't know why I stayed up writing this after an all nighter #this is a jumbled mess #please ignore my idiocy #please don’t pick a fight over this as i don’t have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #elredeaglescrit

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venusoracle · 6 months

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pac: winter wishes from your future spouse

this winter, what message does your future spouse have for you? pick a card for a message and chanelled christmas song from your future spouse <3

take only what resonates, this is a general reading

reblogs and likes would be really appreciated! :) i would love to hear which one you picked!

PILE 1

♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡ come out and play - billie eilish

hi, my love. how are you? i wanted to let you know - i wish you could see your full potential. your shyness is cute and i love that you’re introverted because we get along so well (and i actually keep imagining us going on dates and your cheeks being all flushed... so cute) but i wanna encourage you to be more confident sometimes. you are beautiful and strong and i love you. i understand that when you were younger, people were harsh to you when they spoke to you, but i want you to know that it’s okay to stand up for yourself. i’m proud of you and i’m proud of you for wanting to heal your inner child. i know it’s scary and it feels difficult to face your fears… but i promise that your life will change for the better. don’t be intimidated and don’t listen to other people, you’re stronger than you think. i love you, you’ve got this, hang in there, the cold will be over soon.

PILE 2

♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡ santa tell me - ariana grande

hey darling!! you’ve been working so hard recently and been so focused, i really admire it. but baby, please don’t get too obsessive with academic / work validation - you are so much more than that, especially to me. i feel like you’re my soulmate and i know that it’s part of my destiny to meet you, do i sound cheesy? anyways, you inspire me to keep working on my goals and to be resilient when i want to give up. your kindness and loving heart already support me during tough times. i can’t wait to meet you, i’ve been waiting so long and i’m so excited to build a future together with you.

PILE 3

♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡ love to keep me warm - laufey and dodie

oh baby, i’m sorry that people have betrayed you in the past. you don’t deserve that at all. you’ve been manifesting me and i’m glad that i’ve been helping you in a way… when we meet, i'm gonna feel complete because i know we’ll accept each other for who we are. have you been shutting yourself off from meeting people, love? i feel like you are for some reason :( i know it’s daunting to think that you might get treated badly again but you are a beautiful person who deserves to make meaningful connections. don’t hide away, you’ve got this. also this is hella random but you remind me of a princess :) do i sound creepy? possibly but whatever, don't forget to wear your scarf.

PILE 4

♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡ christmas tree farm - taylor swift

i feel kinda shy tbh… hello, i hope you’re doing well. i’m normally not an emotional person but i’m learning how to communicate better recently. i want to change myself for the better cuz firstly, i wanna be successful and also cuz i’m probably gonna have to fight for you lol. anyways, i’m not giving up. take care and stay warm, don't get sick and i'll see you around.

#tarot #pick a card #pick a card reading #pac reading #pick a pile #pick a pile reading #pac #pac tarot #tarot reading #tarot readings #kpop tarot

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spideyspeaches · 3 years

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Heart made of glass ↬ t.h

A/N: Beta read by the lovely @hollandcrush !! <3<3

Request (Summary): can you please write one about Tom, who is on the filming process of cherry and has some emotional problems because he feels that his character is already part of his life, so he comes home very angry and in a bad mood, so he just snaps and creates a big fight with the reader and just says things that he obviously didn't meant, you know very angst, and at the end just very fluff.

Hope you like this anon! Lemme know your thoughts heh <3<3

Warnings: breakdowns, slight vomiting but it’s not graphic. I’m not in any way romanticizing or sexualising breakdowns.

WC: 2k+

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Masterlist || Taglist

Tom was an ambitious guy. He took his roles seriously, no matter what his character was and who he played. It was an admirable trait, the way he both enjoyed his work and worked hard to earn a high place in such a place as Hollywood.

You always took pride in how amazing and accomplished your boyfriend was, your heart swelling whenever you heard his name being mentioned in events and interviews. You enjoyed how he tried to diversify the movies he worked in.

("I've been playing the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man for so long, it's about time I play someone different now." He once said in a Jimmy Kimmel interview. You were watching from the audience, smiling as the audience roared in affirmation.

"Well looks like you took quite a big leap from playing a superhero." Jimmy said, smiling at the audience with his paparazzi smile.

You knew the question was scripted, quite harmless, but you still noticed how his shoulder stiffened, his smile not wavering once.

"Well yeah, I used to be a superhero and now I'm a heroin addict." He joked, winking at the audience as he ran a hand through his nearly hairless head.

He cried himself to sleep that night, burying his face in your chest as you shushed him. )

It always worked in his favour, with the incredible support his family and fan base provided. And he was always so humble about it.

Filming Cherry, however, was way different than he thought it would. With filming Cherry came consequences that he didn't necessarily like. He knew what he was bringing on himself and his family when he was first introduced with the script.

(Contrary to popular belief, he didn't actually give out spoilers, it was just small promotional stunts that kind of took over as his reputation to spoil minor details.)

The process was intense, getting into the mindset of "Cherry" was taxing, and people were beginning to notice it in him. He was more restless, tugging at his non existent curls when he thought no one would notice.

He was more clingy, more appreciative of your body and you, letting you know that there was no sexual intent behind his acts of caressing your waist at random times. You didn't notice the change in his behaviour.

He had always been like this, watching you with the most gratifying gaze a man could muster, his pretty brown eyes like globes of whiskey, staring at you with a muffled expression. You didn't notice.

There had always been a cutting edge to his voice, you knew and adored it. Behind the British actor who played Spider-Man, he was your Tom. Your Tom who gave you forehead kisses and baked cakes with you and made silly playlists that reminded him of you and you of him, your Tom who worshiped the ground you walked on, your Tom, your Tom and your Tom.

(Sometimes you envied that he was an actor, so good at hiding any emotions he felt, it came easy to him, just another fake emotion like he was a face behind the camera.)

He was never aggressive towards you. Never. Even on tough days, he was soft, caring and understanding to the point where it made you mad, immediately making you feel guilty. He worked so hard and yet here you were, blaming him for being nice, never standing up for himself.

"Uh, Tom, Tom stop, wait." You grunted, pushing his shoulders as he scrambled away from you at your discontent.

You held his face, his breath hitching, hyperventilating as he tried to get himself together.

Ever since he had started filming Cherry, he had been away from you. And now that you were finally here, he had been all over you, making love to every inch of your skin, like it was a holy grail he had to find, caressing your warm skin under his fingers making you shiver as his nimble fingers wandered. It was the intimacy, sexual and quasi-sexual, that made you realise, that there was something wrong.

Sex- it had been a constant in your life other than Tom. But of course, you didn't live on it. It was but a fuel that strengthened your relationship, it was about discovery and showing your vulnerable sides. It was a reminder of the coffee dates and baseball matches. It was loving, gentle and raw, like a gentle breeze caressing your face.

But this, this was different. And you noticed. This, what you had been doing, it was fucking. It was aggressive and needy and it felt good, but at the same time, it felt different.

"Baby?" You asked softly, trying to meet his eyes in the dark lit trailer. It was late, way past filming times, the only time you got to see his vulnerable side.

You should have been in his hotel room, but you were in his trailer instead. All alone in the all encompassing darkness, it made your heart stutter beats.

"Baby speak to me. What's happening, who's doing this to you?" You ask once again, holding onto him firmly this time, his squirming frame making you loosen your hold. You didn't care that you were naked, he had already seen it all.

Fiddling with the rough sheets, he huffed a heavy breath. And that was all it took for the dam to break.

"Tell me how do you feel baby, you're starting to scare me." You urged. All you got in response was his muffled sobs. Pulling him forward, you let his head rest on your bare chest, rivulets of tears sliding down your warm skin, almost burning you like acid, his tiny hair tickling you, a very contrasting feeling.

"I can't do it. I can't take it anymore." He sniffed, wrapping his strong arms around you, shivering at the contact. It was a cold night in Cleveland, and you were naked and he was crying. You were berating yourself for not noticing.

"What can't you take anymore?" You hold him, tracing circles on his buzz cut hair, just the way you did when he had his curls.

"I feel like I'm becoming him. I don't like it at all, I try and try but I can't." He sobs, shoulders hitching with each sob. You felt your heart break, the sounds of his cries sending daggers into your skin.

How could you have not noticed? The lively sunshine of a man was almost an empty shell. The interviews with former drug addicts had been excruciating for you, pity, disgust, sympathy and every other sinful emotion swirling in your mind.

You couldn't believe that you hadn't thought about Tom, of what an effect it would have on him.

"Bub, listen to me, carefully," you said, shushing him as he continued to look at you, teary eyed and red nosed, snot dripping out of his nose,"you listen to me. You're strong and resilient and nothing like him okay? He's not you. You're Tom Holland. You're brilliant and brave and amazing okay?"

"But I don't feel that way!" He said, his aggressive stance surprising you, "he's- he's…"

"He's what?" You asked, a little too impatient. Muttering a sorry, you rub your palm on his cheek, kissing the soft, moist skin.

"I don't feel so good." He croaked, getting up suddenly, making a run for the washroom. You rushed after him, watching him as he heaved into the toilet. Rubbing his back, you muttered affirmations, curling besides him as he sat on the ground, his back to the cold wall.

You got up to switch on the lights, feeling his hands tugging yours, a soft "stay" coming out of him.

"Better?" You asked, feeling him now against your collarbone.

"I shouldn't be this affected, this- this isn't fair. I'm overreacting, I'm sorry I worried you baby I swear I didn't mean to-"

"Shh, Tom first of all, you're not overreacting okay?" You smiled, kissing his nose, moving towards his brows and his forehead, "It's perfectly reasonable. The role you're playing...It's not exactly picking daisies. Fuck you're playing a heroin addict Tommy, a broken soldier with PTSD, a breakdown was inevitable. It only shows that you're human."

"Really?" He smiled, it looked more like a grimace, a plea for reassurance.

"Yes, really." You said, booping his nose, eliciting a giggle from him,"now, you better go to bed mister, you have an early shoot don't you?" You playfully scolded, kissing his lips, laughing as he carried you bridal style.

"Tomorrow will be better." You whispered, kissing his eyelids, already closed, chest moving rhythmically as you counted his pulse, making sure he was completely asleep before slipping on your clothes, covering him with the thin quilt.

***

"Is everything okay on set?" You asked casually, watching the crewmates work tirelessly in the daylight.

You were standing next to Ciara on a prop jeep, fiddling with the water bottle held in your hand.

"Hmm, as okay it can be with two people playing drug addicts." She shrugged, looking at you with a small smile.

"Are you okay?" You asked, turning to give her your full attention, remembering your boyfriend's breakdown yesterday.

"It gets… intense at times. Some scenes are hard to play, but we're okay. Mostly." She answered, taking your water bottle and chugging the water.

"I'm not a therapist, but you can talk to me, you know?" You smiled, holding her shoulder as she gave you a bashful smile.

"It's been tough on Tom. He's more aggressive, nearly had a breakdown during a scene." She said.

"Yeah, that.. that happened yesterday too."

"It was time, a person can only hold so much right?"

"Yeah."

You pondered her words, wondering if you could do anything to curb this.

"I think I need help." He said one day while you were eating dinner. Harry, who was sitting next to you, looked up from his plate, giving you a knowing look before clearing his throat.

"I'm gonna get some water." He said, waving awkwardly at you and getting up. You took that as a cue to scoot closer to Tom, running your hands through his camel hair.

"That's very brave of you hun, asking for help." You smiled, kissing his cheek softly. You felt him smile, sliding closer to you, holding you by your waist.

"I learnt from the best." He muttered in your hair, kissing your forehead.

You felt his love that day, felt the way he ran his smooth fingers on your waistline, sliding across your thighs with care and softness you hadn't felt in a while. He was healing. It was a process, it took time but it happened.

***

You were walking across the library, his hand in yours, your hearts beating in silence.

"How was your appointment?" You asked, shivering in the cold air. You rubbed your palms together, bringing your jacket closer to your chest, huffing the cold air.

"It was good, much different from what the media portrays. She even showed me this meme she thinks you would like, look." He said, bringing out his phone to show you the saved meme.

You laughed at his eagerness, kissing his lips as a final gratification.

"Well it looks like you're having a great time. You have another scene left to do today in the evening so we better scram." You reminded him.

You always did that, remind him of his schedule, reminded him to take a breath when he felt like he was drowning. You reminded him of home and what he had to look forward to.

"Why can't we have a lazy day today?" He whined, kissing your neck, making you giggle as it tickled.

"You know you can't do that hun, you already took three days off." You snickered, poking his sides.

"Well that sucks. I just want to spend my day with my girl, is that too much to ask?" He smiled, kissing your forehead, one hand holding yours, swinging back and forth, the other holding a large cup of coffee in a tight grip.

You reached to loosen his fingers, taking a sip, slurping loudly, making him laugh. You decided you liked this laugh much better, it was breathy and free, a melody to your ears.

You noticed how he was more relaxed and back to being that ray of sunshine. Back to being your Tom.

Thanks for reading! also as a side note- here’s a similar fic @itsallyscorner !!

#tom holland x reader #tom holland x reader fluff #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader smut #tom holland x actress!reader #tom holland x you #tom holland fluff #tom holland angst #spideygirl writes

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my-0512 · 6 years

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Fandoms all over the world: WE ARE ONE —please read:(

“It's a miracle I lasted this far. What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard. That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard. Even if you can't smile as you let me go, please don't blame me. I worked hard. I really did work hard.”

Summer, there are no classes and I suddenly became interested in the headlining event that created a bitter controversy among artists, fans, and people all over the world.

The tragic death of K-Pop star Jonghyun from Shinee in the late 2017 had definitely broken the hearts of his family, friends, co-workers, and Shawols. However, mixed reactions were gathered from other people, either critics or other fandoms that gave me also mixed feelings of bitter-hate-sadness-sympathy.

Jonghyun’s band members Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin had decided to say a proper farewell to their departed brother with Shawols in their concert held in Japan. They surely delivered a heartful/hurtful performance, singing their hit, “From Now On” with Jonghyun’s voice evident in the backing tracks. The members broke into tears prompting more Shawols to mourn with them. Sadly, not all perceived the performance for what they really intend, instead others insultingly believe that they did it as a marketing strategy.

This is the type of society we currently live in: ignorant, hypocritical, cynical people who spend their time insensitively judging others for whatever reason they have: because it is fun; because they think throwing hurtful comments makes them cooler; crab mentals pulling others just so they can feel good about themselves.

As an observant member of various fandoms, not only I write this just because I just think it is right, but I write this as a message to everyone. No matter the race, age, gender, identity we have, we are all humans with different personalities, privilege, identities but same rights.

We have the rights and freedom of speech and at the same time, we have our responsibilities. These rights given/mandated to us should NOT be abused, and should be treated or used rightfully — and that means we should think wisely of our words and actions, think about the unwanted possibilitites like how they can violate the rights of others. In that way, we can abate the impact of our actions and hopefully prevent unwanted incidents such as suicide.

As with Jonghyun and fellow artists, there is no denying they may look like they are unreal, perfect beings, but they are no different from us ordinary beings. They are also people with emotions and a life so precious to their loved ones they left at home. Before they rose to fame, they were children with big dreams they wanted to pursue.

One of Jonghyun’s last words were his expression of deep sorrow and regret for the path he chose, that fame was not meant for him. Well, I personally disagree because from the clips I watched of him, he was a talented man filled with passion and great potential. He had created compositions/masterpieces for other artists to perform, for people to hear. His voice is of high range, as people say he was one of the greatest vocalists in K-pop.

He suffered great depression in which he resorted to ending his own life because anti-depressants cannot numb the agonizing pain he felt during the past years.

Depression may seem a shallow disorder that many people can feel on sad winters, melancholic days, but i tell you this: it is serious. In fact, over 25 million are suffering from it in America, with 50% resulting to suicide. Mental disorders such as this should not be taken casually.

Now, as a newbie in the fandom, my stand is resilient enough that the remaining Shinee members are strong men who remained professional despite their personal hardships and difficult obstacles thrown at them. Their potency in picking up the pieces and continuing to put smiles on their fans’ faces is genuinely admirable that I firmly say those boys are worth fighting for.

So here is Jonghyun’s heartbreaking last words as it reads as below:

"I am damaged from the inside. The depression that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I couldn't win over it.

I hated myself. I tried to hold on to breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer.

If I can't clear my breath, it's better to stop.

I asked myself who can take care of myself.

It's only me.

I was alone.

It's easy to say I'll end things.

It's hard to end things.

I lived all this time because of that difficulty.

They said I wanted to run away.

That's true. I wanted to run away.

From me.

From you.

I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me. And it was me again.

I asked why I kept losing my memories. They said it was because of my personality. I see. It was my fault in the end.

I wanted someone to notice, but no one noticed. No one met me, so of course they don't know I exist.

I asked why people live. Just. Just. People just live.

If I ask why people die, I guess they'd say they were tired.

I suffered and I worried. I never learned how to turn my pain into happiness.

Pain is just pain.

They told me not to be like that.

Why? I can't even end things the way I want?

They told me to figure out why I was hurting.

I know very well why. I'm hurting because of me. It's all my fault and because I'm bad.

Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?

No, I didn't do anything wrong.

When the doctor blamed my personality with a quiet voice, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor.

It's amazing how much I'm hurting. People who are hurting more live well. People weaker than me live well. I guess not. Out of everyone alive, there's no one hurting more than I am and there's no one weaker than I am.

But they said I should live.

I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for you.

I wanted to be for me.

Don't say things that don't make sense.

Figure out why I'm hurting? I told you why. Why I was hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a more dramatic detail? I need more of a story?

I told you why. Were you not listening? Things I can win over don't end in scars.

It wasn't my place to clash with the world.

It wasn't my life to be known to the world.

They said that was why I was hurting more. Because I had clashed with the world, because I was known to the world. Why did I choose this? That's funny.

It's a miracle I lasted this far.

What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard.

That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard.

Even if you can't smile as you let me go, please don't blame me.

I worked hard.

I really did work hard.”

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mysticdragon3md3 · 1 year

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Very recently remembered

That though i often complain about El not having needed to start the war if she just wanted to kill Rhea---i kept saying she was already a student and had perfect cover to get close enough to assassinate Rhea, so why didn't she use it?---but i just remembered that her Flame Emperor mask cane off and her cover was blown. But still she was working with the Agarthans who had disguise magic and teleportation magic. She demonstrated able to use their teleportation magic. Why couldn't she have used their disguise magic too to infiltrate back into Garreg Mach? Even if Garreg Mach was in high alert, if she had so many people, disposable as soldiers, then she had enough people to act as decoys in disguise magic, so that she could slip thru.

I mean, i get invading Faerghus because they were sheltering Rhea and allying with the Church. But even Golden Wildfire Claude knew there was a chance to force Faerghus's support away from the Church. And Faerghus could have been infiltrated without a war too.

It still baffles me that El sided with the Agarthans as far as she did, even tho they killed her family and tortured her. She let them convince her that the "real enemy" was the Church. She fell straight into being their weapon. Even tho she did know the Agarthans were bad and even if her position was too dangerous for her to backstab them (until in a position like Scarlet Blaze), she helped them gain so much power, that would decrease her chances of defeating them later. And in the meantime, she let them hurt so many people, conquer countries, and instigate their despots. Particularly in Faerghus, it got to the point where the people were so downtrodden by "Cornelia", that they were happy to proclaim Dimitri as their Savior King, even tho he had been terrorizing for the past 5 years. El let everything get to that point. Worse, she judged it as acceptable losses.

More and more, i just dont trust her ability to make decisions, especially as a leader. It's been said by others that her character flaws include lacking imagination. As highlighted by the contrast of Claude, she lacks the imagination to question information that the Agarthans gave her, especially to extents like Claude's bottomless curiosity. (Point by the video essay "Edelgard will always lose".) But i keep coming back to her lack of imagination in strategy. It keeps driving me crazy that her solution to everything is always war. No matter what cultural trauma some have reported as the reason for her mindset, that doesn't excuse it. It only prives more that she is a bad leader.

And that's beside her imperialist ways. The Church is defeated in Scarlet Blaze: she still wants to continue a war a Faerghus. Her supposed only beef is with the Church: she still tries to conquer the entire continent. I know there were Faerghus nobles who sided too much with the Church and she argued they poisoned systemic structures...So then get rid of them. Dont start a war against the whole country, install despots, and make civilians suffer.

---Hell, if i recall correctly Dimitri suspected some of the same western nobles to be conspirators in the Tragedy of Duscur. He's been waiting for an excuse to remove them. If the Church is bad, and these western nobles were siding with the Church, then that could have been the excuse Dimitri could have used to remove them from power. Even if Faerghus civilians are very religious, having leaders who support the worse aspects of the Church, in addition to being treasonous (and as Azure Gleam showed, treasonous just because they were afraid of change, because Lambert wanted to reform some things) is simething that shoukd be removed. They can get pious government leaders who aren't treasonous and blindly follow tradition. Hell, Dimitri is religious and he's still up for reform. There are other options than the old guard.

---Someone once posted that if El wanted to just change her own country instead of conquering and colonizing other countries, that would have been fine. Now I'm curious for an AU where Leicester and Faerghus rushed to aid Adrestia vs the Agarthans. And maybe even also used her rejection of the Church as proof to their own nation that it could be done, tgat tge Church didn't need to influence more of life/government besides spirituality. Maybe it would have sparked the catalyst for Faerghus and Leicester rooting out their own corrupt nobility too.

I dunno... I'm probably forgetting and jumbling a bunch of factors. But i cant stop thinking about that Tweet that really didn't understand how anyone could see El as a villain---even tho she started an unnecessary war. So my brain wanted to double check that the war really was unnecessary. I got some self doubts when i remembered her cover was blown. But y'know what? There's always a way to avoid war. Especially in a fictional, fantasy world. The addages still stand: war is just a failure of diplomacy, a failure of leadership, killing to resolve conflicts is just a lack of imagination, and violence is just a manifestation of the Weakness of Fear.

It's like people forget that war is bad. And maybe if FE3H had started more like an indulgent "revenge fantasy", like Code Geass, where the world was presented as bleak and instilling nihilism, maybe then i would have just indulged in war. I wouldn't have seen war as avoidable. But instead, FE3H's act1 was sunshine happy school days, making El into the one who broke it, vs finding alternatives---even in her own route, which is supposed to portay her with the most sympathy. And it's so hard to indulge in violence, war, and being bad and cruel (which was the fun of Code Geass, tho while simultaneously portraying the villain antihero protagonist with sympathy thru their angst) when FE3H keeps reminding you how tragic war is. At least Code Geass was melodramatic and pitched tou out if realistic thinking.

Though i prefer my negative thought spirals repeatedly bringing me back to mulling over a fictional character i dislike, instead of my real life problems and paranoid anxieties, i dont enjoy that I'm thinking anymore about characters i dislike, instead of characters i like. I should make more effort to think more about characters i love instead.

#random thoughts #processing thoughts #please ignore my idiocy #please don't pick a fight over this as i don't have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #elredeaglescrit #ramblings #venting

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mysticdragon3md3 · 1 year

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Bad People, Good Art: What Now? by Wisecrack

Just found this video essay, and thought I'd add it to the list of food for thought concerning problematic creators and audience consumers' cognitive dissonance.

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Love the Art, Hate the Artist by The Art Assignment

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MMO Junkie's Racist Director - Should We Hate the Work, or the Jerk? by Mother's Basement

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Death of the Author by Lindsay Ellis

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Death of the Author 2: Rowling Boogaloo by Lindsay Ellis

I also find this post really helpful:

https://mysticdragon3md3.tumblr.com/post/625581072373186560/timegoddess167-smallest-feeblest-boggart

Basically, it reminds that there isn't really much unproblematic artwork, and the only thing we can do sometimes is just stay aware, critical, and not glorify creators. But that post was mostly in regards to problematic dead poets. If the creator is still alive, it would be helpful to not give them money to advocate for more bad things, by patroning their artwork.

Also, here's my list of more vids about the cognitive dissonance of problematic authors, specifically about the 2023 wizard game:

https://mysticdragon3md3.tumblr.com/post/708906729368371200/stuff-ive-been-watching-lately-about

#food for thought #video essays #video essay #problematic creators #don't worship creators #please don't pick a fight over this as I don't have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #fuzzyvase #Youtube #preemptively shutting off reblogs bc the goddammedmfing txxxexxxrxxxfxxxs tend to find my posts

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mysticdragon3md3 · 2 years

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...

I probably shouldn't post this, but I haven't been having a lot of fandom thoughts of my own lately, intense enough to warrant ranting. So reacting so intensely about this feels like it warrants recording into my fandom blog, at least for my personal records. Years into the future, when I look through my blog to see what my experience of this specific fandom was like, while I was in the thick of it, I may want to remember that things like this is why I suddenly, drastically reduced interacting with this fandom's tags.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????????? Half the Claude rants I've read are ALL ABOUT how Claude and Edelgard have similar values but conflicting methods! What the heck...?

Sometimes I think some of the generalized misunderstandings and misconceptions that other parts of the fandom have of differing factions of the fandom, may be caused by the fact that a lot of us who fit the characteristics that counter their complaints about our factions, just aren't seen by their corners of the fandom, because we know better than to make ourselves known to those corners of the fandom. We know nothing good will come from interacting. Meanwhile, the parts of our factions that fit the characteristics that they complain about, are the only ones emboldened enough to keep talking out loud, posting to the most general tags, and get seen by the most differing factions. Then they all think that all of us from those parts of the fandom are just like that. No, man. We're invisible and silent, but we do exist.

#venting #ranting #toxic fandom #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #claudeVRkhalid #ElRedEagles #dmcl000 #reactions #personal fandom records #please don't pick a fight over this as I don't have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #fandomfrictionfracas #KhalidMitya

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mysticdragon3md3 · 2 years

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I didn't know the game director specifically stated one of the inspirations for Claude. o.o!

Yesterday, I saw a fanart of Claude being Filipino, but turns out there's just a Filipino meme going around "outside, I'm ___, but inside, I'm Filipino." Not sure what it means, but some people got upset over it. Though it didn't look like a serious intent to erase the canon representation. I think someone just wanted to use a meme.

I know there are some people upset when some Claude fans headcanon him as southeast Asian, south Asian, South American, or some other ethnicity, but I think that's just fun and games. Just headcanons. I've seen many people so happy to have brown ethnic representation, I can't really blame people who want to project their own ethnicities onto Claude. Some people accuse such fans of erasing the Middle Eastern/SWANA/Muslim representation. But personally, I don't think headcanons can do that. Regardless of what AUs that fans play around in, I think we all accept that the FE3H canon has given Claude many canonical references to being Persian.

#interesting #game developers #claudeVRkhalid #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #inspirations #references #please don't pick a fight over this as i don't have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #representation #headcanons #mypersonalpovofclaude #mypovclaudecharacterization #mypovclaudecharacterization is my decided upon tag

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mysticdragon3md3 · 7 months

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🦌⚔️🏃🥶...🦩🏹👑

This is my reminder to look at my journal entries: 3:21 AM 11/6/2023 11:19 PM 11/6/2023

I've been taking a break from reading fandom discussions, for my mental health. Tho ironically, I've recently skimmed some old screengrabs of old discussions from this fandom (while organizing files), and I've had some hindsight.

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#fandomfrictionfracas #fawning #canonical bad writing #coping mechanisms #personal fandom records #please don't pick a fight over this as i don't have teh emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #claudeVRkhalid #elredeaglescrit #almostimmortalking #Youtube

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mysticdragon3md3 · 7 months

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🐔...

Got kind of spooked, delving into some blogs from my previous fandom, for fun.

It reminded me why it was such a toxic space and why I was so eager to jump onto my next fixation.

Feels really sad though. I loved shipping in that fandom. It's just so much of the rest of the fandom was too volatile.

And now I find out that some of the blogs whose analysis insights I had been enjoying, just blanketly assume all people who hold a certain ship (from another fandom) are bad. _I_ shipped that ship years ago. It's still precious to me. Even if the fandom for that ship too, ended up to also be volatile, toxic, and incentivized me to cut almost all ties with its fandom (if not the ship). Now I feel afraid of who will find out I ship that ship, and what they'll do about it.

Maybe I've had too many reminders today of how toxic fandom can be. I wish for a break. But fandom/shipping was the thing I filled my thoughts with, to make me happy. I can't just not do it anymore. I do need some kind of break though.

I miss, just yesterday, when I was blissfully unaware, fixating on my current, new ship, in a fandom that is refreshingly toxic-free (in my experience so far). It's been amazing these past couple of months, being reminded that fandom doesn't have to be a thing where I'm constantly afraid of posting because the fandom at large might attack for any reason I didn't catch about my post, no matter how frivolous I thought my posted sentiments were. I mean, I still am afraid. I've already had 2+ previous fandoms prove how unsafe it is to let your guard down. I still hide my opinion posts in unique tags, even in this new (not yet proven volatile) fandom I'm in now. But every once in a while, I take a chance, use common tags, and they've proven to not be volatile towards me. I had forgotten that fandom can be that way. ...It's nice.

#odd brain wanderings after an all nighter #random thoughts #ramblings #fandomfrictionfracas #venting #please ignore my idiocy #personal fandom records #please don't pick a fight over this as I don't have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #my fragile mental health #pinkfluidnf #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #subpsychopomp #icedpigrice #social anxiety

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mysticdragon3md3 · 1 year

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...

El and Rhea making the same mistakes.

Reminded of this video essay again:

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#quotes #comparisons #please don't pick a fight over this as i don't have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #elredeaglescrit #Youtube

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mysticdragon3md3 · 1 year

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TL;DR: It's okay to like the morally gray character for the Power Fantasy, Revenge Fantasy, self-indulgence, "guilty pleasure" story, or angsty tragic melodrama. I promise, it's okay that they didn't "do nothing wrong". (In fact, a lot of their endearment can be that they did so much wrong.) We don't need to bleach the gray out of morally gray characters.

I'm pretty sure starting a war is a factual thing she did. "Condemning them for shit they didn't do" sounds like the opinion of the same people who "think they [El] never did anything wrong and get angry if you suggest otherwise". That's just a strawman of the people with actual, legitimate disagreements with her.

Thinking the war was necessary is a lack of imagination or a lack of Strength to do the hard work of negotiation, empathy, compromise, and persuasion, even towards antagonistic parties.

"All war represents a failure of diplomacy." ---Tony Benn

Though I will admit, I believe "imagination" also includes fighting with violence, in ways that don't cost hundreds of soldiers' lives, risking civilian bystanders, nor destroying the land resources civilians need to live, through war. Such as assassination. Or as FE3H reminds us through Claude, poisonings, deception, subterfuge, etc. Diplomacy is preferable, but if a situation comes down to dire constraints, there are other methods besides war.

"The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.” ---Sun Tzu

Also, it's okay to like a character for being morally gray or even bad. I love Lelouch vi Britannia from Code Geass, because that series is a self-indulgent, guilty pleasure, revenge fantasy. It's okay to like El for tragically going to unnecessary extremes in her fictional fantasy world. But don't act like that's not what's happening.

Again, acting like a character "did nothing wrong" feels like a negation of their Compassion, because it negates the character's ability to recognize their regrets, mistakes, and their wish that they weren't (tragically misperceiving as being so) forced into cruel actions with seemingly no other options. I feel insulted when people say Lelouch "did nothing wrong". And El stans should be insulted if someone says she "did nothing wrong". Sympathizable morally gray characters KNOW they did wrong---That's the proof of them still having a HEART and good intentions! That's what makes their angst so tragic! And if we're not into a melodrama for the tragic angst, then we're missing out. (I was going to say "then I don't know what we're here for", but I do: Power Fantasy. And that's okay.)

#i hate when people say an antihero did nothing wrong #i hate when people say a villain did nothing wrong #didnothingwrong #fandomfrictionfracas #please don’t pick a fight over this as i don’t have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #and you're not going to change my mind so just ignore my idiocy #elredeaglescrit #aka Claude was right #personal preferences #quotes #we don't need to bleach the gray out of the morally grey characters #elredeaglescrit20

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mysticdragon3md3 · 1 year

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I was looking for a funny old Tweet and found muck instead.

I don't know if the problem is that I can't help reacting, or if the problem is that I'm just so anxious about losing any and all thoughts that I feel compelled to always post about it.

It's probably worth exploring why I have this image in my head of Dimitri being so altruistic, benign, and kind, but I just dislike Edelgard. Not that I think she's unkind, but I don't respect all her bad decisions. So do I let Dimitri off the hook (choose to like him, not let his crimes inhibit my attachment to him) because him killing civilians was off screen? Maybe. Or maybe it's that "KingdomHearts-Riku effect", where if the story spends a lot of time with the character repenting and angsting over their regret for their sins, it just garners sympathy for them (at least it's effective to me). Or maybe it's the "Lelouch effect", where if the antihero spends so much screentime angsting over feeling forced into their horrible decisions, then I'm more likely to sympathize with them. It worked on me for Golden Wildfire Claude and Code Geass's Lelouch. I assumed it's what Crimson Flower did for Edelgard, since so many people are convinced she's nothing but compassion, even though she started an unnecessary war and pushed for imperial colonization of the whole continent. Once again, I'm left wondering, if Claude didn't exist as the formidable competition for my house choice and affections, would I have been an Edelgard fan? Maybe? Everyone compares Crimson Flower to Code Geass, and Code Geass is one of my top 3 favorite anime. But it's too late for that now. She lost her chance with me. And Claude was too good, to divert any attention towards her instead. Now, when I think of her, I get annoyed remembering her fans and her choices. When she drones on about feeling forced into pursuing these wars, I just don't feel it. I don't feel her regret. Both Dimitri and Edelgard get portrayed with plenty of sympathizing angst, but maybe I need that type of regret that I get from Dimitri. He completely changes his actions and forever regrets. But El is too self righteous and determined in her Resolve, to really admit that she was wrong, or to even let the weight of her regret weigh her down or dissuade her from her path. Maybe that's emotional strength, but it's also less emotive sympathy-garnering, as a character portrayal. She certainly doesn't regret to Dimitri's intensity of emotion. She regrets that she was "forced" to do horrible things, but she doesn't use that as a catalyst to change how she acts from now on. She doesn't change. Her regrets are just bumps in her journey, fueling her "sunk cost fallacy". She bemoans to the Gronder sky about how the only thing she can do is continue forward to war, instead of reassessing and changing. As I've said before, she lacks self-doubt, but that also means she lacks meaningful self-reflection. Meanwhile, Dimitri takes his regrets and not only vows to change, but changes everything about himself, from his demeanor to his actions, and his vigilance towards regulating himself from repeating past mistakes/regrets. Maybe that's why I buy the "sympathy for character despite their horrific crimes" from Dimitri, but not from Edelgard. That might make sense. Huh, I wouldn't have noticed this if it weren't for that Tweet.

The weird thing is that I don't feel cognitive dissonance about this. Maybe because I'm only really touchy/defensive about Claude. Plus, I've been through so many FE3H discourse, I've stopped caring. What I care about is that I've found an interpretation of FE3H that works for me. I've found headcanons that enable me to enjoy this series and some daydreams that I may turn into fanart/fanfics, and I don't need anything else. In general, Authorial Intent and canon isn't even as important to me as an artwork serving as a catalyst to thoughts, feelings, and experiences. So if I have to ignore some canon, headcanon some characters as being OOC, or completely paint Dimitri as a benign sweetheart in my head while ignoring his canon crimes, in order to get an enjoyable experience out of this series, then that's more important to me. (Though i dont feel I'm bending Dimitri too out of character in my head.) There's obviously something my subconscious is trying to express to me by favoring certain tropes & interpretations, and I'd rather follow the meanings of those trope patterns and that enjoyment and introspection, than get hung up on Dimitri's crimes or Edelgard sympathizers. I don't need my mind changed about this anymore.

…But I'm beginning to really think that Dimitri's regret over how he was when he was a Boar committing crimes, may have really been enough to convince me to sympathize with him. I hadn't thought about it before now. But that's what really differentiates him from Edelgard. He had such a sudden change.

While she never really did change. Once again, FE3H's writing seems to be saying something about the flaws inherent in the usually lauded trait of Resolve. She certainly has embodied the tragic flaws of rigidity, several times. It's just the flip side of Resolve. So many of her strengths are also her tragic character flaws that disallow her from making better choices, like cooperation, digging further for deeper truths, and avoiding FE3H's tragedy goal/premise of "old friends/classmates now at war". Must be an important story theme for FEH3.

Especially since that single mindedness as "tragic character flaw" is also repeated in Rhea. Man, that video essayist who said Rhea and Edelgard are the same, keeps proving more and more accurate to me. (Referencing video essay "Edelgard will always lose.)

So am I a hypocrite, or is just certain story/character writing more effective on me than others? I'm allowed to have my own tastes. If other people feel it's hypocritical to think/feel this way, then I hope they aren't going against their ideals by acting like me. Meanwhile, the way I'm acting and choosing to interpret and get attached to FE3H/Dimitri, is suited to me and my ideals. It would probably be just as wrong for me to go against my values/tastes, just as much as it would be wrong for others who disagree, to act in ways that agree with my values/tastes instead of their own.

Is what I'm doing with posts like this contributing to "unwanted fandom discourse" if I'm only really talking to myself? Let's hope my tags are unique enough to hide me talking aloud to myself.

#twitter is a hellsite #processing thoughts #please don't pick a fight over this as i don't have the emotional resiliency to deal with internet fights #personal fandom records #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #confused with myself #elredeaglescrit #dimamityaAB #contrasts #reactions #random thoughts #fandomfrictionfracas #doesntdoubtherselfbutalsodoesntcheckherself #forgive #forgiveness

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