Dear Aspiring Performers...
Regarding auditions, I’ve learned a few things about myself. Lessons every performer has/will experience at one point or another.
Don’t be afraid to stand out! The audience, whoever they may be, wants you to succeed. While they do watch skill level, it’s more about passion. Get in to what your doing and people will love it! A girl at the last audition I had (oh yes, you know who you are) walked up to the directors and whipped out her song to perform as though she’d already gotten the part. She was up on stage living life in the spotlight while still only being in audition room. No surprise, she got the part.
Don’t EVER expect to get whatever you try for. I don’t care if you are the most qualified person there is, you should never assume you’ll get whatever part you want. When you expect and don’t get what you want, that just leaves you bitter and dissapointed. For my first audition I expected get the part I was trying for. I left the audition and cried because I didn’t think I nailed the audition. I still expected to get the part...that was my fatal flaw. I cried again when I only saw my name in the ensemble (I’m gonna type up another post about why the ensemble is great later). Next audition I went in with a different outlook. I haven’t cried over an audition since. Progress!
So you bombed an audition? Everyone does that from time to time...and time and time and time AND time again. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Take that mistake and learn from it. Yeah, I know. That’s a little cheesy. It’s only cheesy cause it’s the absolute most important thing you can learn. A friend an I have been working on auditioning for a choir solo. Every day we walk away with opposite opinions. I feel confident, like I’m walking on air. I just stood up and sang in front of the whole class! I got to perform for them. Whatever happens will happen and that’s all I can say in the moment. My friend on the other hand hasn’t been so optimist. She leaves the room just beating herself up and saying she isn’t good enough. She even turned to me and said that she should stop auditioning since she isn’t good enough. That breaks my heart for so different reasons. Most importantly that she’s an outwardly confident person and a promising performer...but she wants to give up. Don’t give up!
Quick note: First off, I didn’t check this after writing it. Second off, I haven’t considered myself a big performer for very long. I’m gonna write more later no matter what sort of attention this post gets. Having said all that ADHD style, I’d like to add on one more thing. Please feel free to add on! :)))
if you’re going through hell, keep going
Taehyung is no stranger to psychiatrists, but he prefers psychologists because he doesn’t believe that he can be cured with pills. He can’t be cured with pills because he’s not sick, he just-- his brain is just confused and doesn’t really know how to handle some situations or how to react to certain things. That’s okay, though, because that’s what Lydia is for: to help Taehyung’s brain understand what’s happening and where exactly everything started getting so confusing.
He doesn’t need medicine to get better, he just needs to talk to someone about his concerns so he can find the where his brain is struggling and help it along. Yes, it’s hard and frustrating and sometimes he just wants to give up, but it’s better than the alternative, which is to take a bunch of pills that make him see things that aren’t there and that make his brain feel light and like it’s not there.
“You’ve thought of committing suicide,” Lydia says, looking at Taehyung for signs of discomfort. There are none because Taehyung has accepted that part of himself, the one that wants to put an end to his entire existence because he feels like he’s going down a cold, dark pit of despair and pain. He’s accepted that sometimes suicide crosses his mind, makes him wonder, but that’s it. It only ever crosses his mind and it’s never more than a flitting thought when he feels like his heart is going to explode from all the sadness and his cheeks feel rubbed raw from the constant onslaught of tears.
“I have, more than once,” he admits, and it’s no new information for neither of them, but still, admitting it aloud, talking about it and knowing he’s overcome that part of himself makes him feel proud of himself, makes his chest feel lighter and his shoulders less tense.
“What stopped you? You’ve had many opportunities, what stopped you?” She asks, finally venturing into an unknown territory. They’ve never talked about this, and it makes Taehyung both excited and nervous to find out what he really thinks and believes.
He doesn’t have to think long, in fact, he answers almost instantly. “Jeongguk.” The name leaves his lips with no hesitation, feeling familiar and comforting. “I know he’ll be… hurt, if I ever… I can’t do that to him. I know I mean a lot to him.” It’s one of the things he’s positive about, one of the only things he can say without a doubt in the world, without ever having to question it. Jeongguk’s love for him is unquestionable, a force that always manages to guide Taehyung back to the light when he’s wandering aimlessly through the darkness. “My friends,” he continues. “They don’t always understand what I’m going through, my struggles, but… they try and they care. I’ll be hurting them, too.”
His friends, who’ve stuck with him through some of the worst moment of his life. Who’ve supported and loved him even when he didn’t love himself. Who’ve always been so understanding and sincere. Taehyung feels lucky to have such amazing people in his life.
“Is it only because you don’t want to hurt anyone?” Lydia asks, careful, and Taehyung thinks about his answer for a second.
“No,” he decides, smiling slightly. “I think… I think I like where I am in life, right at this moment. It’s not perfect and I’m still… I’m not as-- not as broken, I guess you can put it, as I was before, but…” he sighs, looking at Lydia with a sudden burst of confidence. “I’ve come a long way and I still have a long way to go, but I’m satisfied and maybe even happy with where I am. I don’t think I want to change anything about my life.”
He thinks of waking up to Jeongguk’s sleeping face, to his playroom and all his toys; he’s become closer to Tae, too, more so than he was before, maybe even feels like they’re one once again. He thinks to his jokes with Jimin and to cooking with Seokjin, to lessons with Namjoon and to anime marathons with Hoseok. To walks in the park with Yoongi and their cameras.
“Before, I used to have good days. One good day a month, sometimes two if I was lucky, but now,” his smile stretches, becoming bigger, happier. “Now I have bad days and they’re so rare it’s-- it makes me so happy. I’m happy and I really want to see where life takes me.” He confesses, noticing the subtle smile Lydia is wearing as she writes something down in her notebook. “It’s also interesting to see how much a person can go through and still manage to…” he trails off, looking to the side, out the window, trying to think of the right word.
“Keep going? Stay alive?” Lydia helpfully suggests, her tone light and pleasant. “Humans can walk through hell and still manage to come out on the other side alive, a little bit charred and burned at places, but still alive and still breathing. It’s inspiring, what you’ve--”
“I think so, too,” Taehyung interrupts, a sudden feeling of excitement washing over him. “It might sound self-centered, in a way, but looking back on my life, I’m really proud of myself for managing to keep on living, for not giving up even when things didn’t look like they were going to get any better. I’m-- I’m really proud of myself.” And finally, finally, he actually feels and believes what he’s saying.
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