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absolutepokemontrash · 3 years

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The Brothers and Side Characters Play the Sims

I don’t know what possessed me to make this but WHATEVER. I’ve been playing the Sims since I was a wee little girl, and I’ve seen my fair share of weird Sims stuff that I feel would fit these bozos perfectly.

My Sims have a Functional Family Life Because I Don’t (Lucifer)

God dammit Levi’s obsessed with another game... ugh.

Spends 5 minutes in Create-a-Sim and hops into a starter home.

Lucifer’s the type to start with all the average stuff and then build their stuff up as his sim gets promotions.

It’s just... so peaceful...

...he’s adopting a dog.

Look at his new little virtual family... his sim-kids are self sufficient and getting A’s in school, his Sim spouse MC or Diavolo take your pick loves his Sim-self, his sim-dog-

WAIT NO- THE DOG’S AN ELDER?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAA-

...

He’s fine. It was just a virtual dog. *sniffle*

He’s now spending his free time drinking Demonus and playing the Sims.

What’s a mod? Levi why does your sim have gun?

Behold, My Gorgeous Home... It’s a Box (Mammon)

Mammon, like the rest of the HOL, is mooching off of Levi’s Origin account.

“AW SHIT! This house looks awesome! I’m gonna build it for Sim-me to live in!”

Mammon proceeds to build a box with rooms. Yay...

He just picks the funnest sounding job if he picks any job at all for his Sim. That’s how he ended up making 9 dollars an hour in the criminal career.

Didn’t stop Mammon from buying that solid gold bathroom set from Get Famous... a box with solid gold bathrooms.

His Sim is broke send help-

“Leviiiiiii my sim needs money... the people my sim kidnapped and is forcing to paint aren’t making enough money...” “Ugh... press control shift C and type ‘motherlode’.”

...Levi made a mistake.

“FUCK YEAH! MOTHERLODE!”

His sim’s life is so chaotic, he has a piranha pool that his sim has almost died in twice, the sim is carrying on several torrid love affairs, his sim got struck by lightning, his sim has nearly died in a grilled cheese making accident twice... in the same day.

At least once Sim-Mammon and Sim-MC get married things calm down a little.

Mammon finds out what custom content is and proceeds to download EVERYTHING HE CAN FIND.

And now he’s asking Levi why his computer is running so slow.

Expansion Pack King (Leviathan)

He got into it back when the Sims 2 was new, he’s a veteran fan.

“Bro remember when Agnes Crumplebottom would show up and whack the shit out of your sims if they were flirting?”

“Remember when that witch would show up randomly on the lot you were on if you had Makin’ Magic?”

“Remember when Bella Goth was abducted by aliens and we just... didn’t question it?”

He whines about the Sims4 and how crappy it is but still buys every expansion pack, game pack, and stuff pack.

This boy watches like 40 hours of built tutorials and ends up sobbing over his weird roofs.

“WHY DOESN’T IT LOOK AS NICE AS THE ONE I’M LOOKING AT?! THIS ISN’T FAIR!”

The mod folder is so full istg-

Levi gets custom content for the sole purpose of making his favourite fictional characters.

This is why Henry and the Lord of Shadows are married and Ruri-chan and Sim-Levi are roommates.

Oh my god they were roommates-

Levi also added his brothers to the world and uh... Sim-Mammon died in a tragic pool accident F.

Levi then proceeded to befriend the Grim Reaper.

He’s anxiously awaiting the release of Paralives.

Wait Gameplay? In This Build Simulator? (Satan)

Satan’s here to build and leave. Gameplay who?

Our favourite bundle of rage is a master architect and the amount of followers on the Gallery he has shows it.

He takes up those build shell challenges and always ends up making them look positively perfect.

Asmo’s always using his houses, and Satan often takes requests when he gets bored.

No Mammon, he reserves the right to refuse to build a golden castle for you- YOUR SIM HAS 40 SIMOLEONS-

No mods, no CC, he’s building with what EA gave him.

...and EA gave him debug objects, and he’s not going to explain how to get them.

The one time he did actually play with a family... it was one sim and seven cats.

He tries to play without cheats... and ends up getting frustrated and turns on cheats.

All hail the Pets Expansion Pack.

Custom Content Soap Opera (Asmodeus)

Asmo spends 5 hours in Create a Sim then just... clicks out of the game.

That’s how it goes most of the time, buuuuuut when he gets super invested in a family he’s made, boy howdy is he INVESTED.

Sim A is carrying on an affair with Sim C who’s in love with Sim B who’s married to Sim A but Sim D wants to kill Sim A and C even though they’re the illegitimate child of Sim C-

When Asmo realizes that in the Sims 4 he needs to manufacture all the drama himself and he can’t just sit back with a glass of wine and watch the fireworks, he switches to the Sims 2 and 3.

“...why is this old lady beating up my Sim..?”

He immediately recoils in horror upon seeing how ugly the Sims are pre Sims4.

HE NEEDS TO FIX THIS-

Ah, there we go, perfect. Custom Content to the rescue!

He ends up remaking the entire world just so he doesn’t have to look at weird looking Sims.

Asmo is the only one to have finished a proper Legacy Challenge, but it gets crazy chaotic after gen 3.

“My sim just got abducted by aliens and now he’s pregnant- WHAT?!”

He has about 40 saves and only two he actually plays.

Just a Big Ol’ Happy Family (Beelzebub)

Beel found the game, proceeded to make everyone in create-a-sim to the best of his abilities, and made everyone get along.

That’s why Sim-Lucifer and Sim-Belphie are on a swing set together, they’re friends :D

“Hey Luke do you think you can make this?” “I-is that a cake shaped like a hamburger?” “Yes. Please make.”

He took one look at the cooking options and decided to max out his Sim’s cooking skill to unlock all the options.

Beel proceeded to drool all over his keyboard. Gross...

Boy howdy did he have some crazy dinner suggestions!

Overall, very wholesome Sim-life, except for the time Sim-Levi died because the toilet caught fire, don’t worry, Sim-Beel knows how to make ambrosia.

All is good in the Sim save...

...until Sim-Beel ate pufferfish nigiri and fuckin died-

Wait Did I Not Pause- (Belphie)

Huh, this game looks fine... I’ll play for a little- *SNORE*

Belphie makes some sims, plops them into a starter home, plays for an hour, then falls asleep.

He wakes up five hours later to absolute carnage.

Three sims have died because someone decided to make Mac and Cheese and the oven caught fire, the kids were taken away by social services, and the dog ran away.

“...heheh, holy shit everyone look.”

He doesn’t play often, but when he does, death occurs. He has found out every death method for every game from Sims 2 to 4.

And that INCLUDES the Sims Medieval! You guys remember that game?

Sometimes it’s not intentional, but Belphie got bored with the totally normal life his sims were living and decided to spice it up.

“Why are the ghosts breaking my showers..?”

Help There’s a Bug- (Diavolo)

The Crown Prince started playing when he noticed Lucifer was playing it.

He was immediately obsessed.

Dia mostly plays the Sims Medieval because he likes the feeling of achievement after completing a quest!

“Barbatos... why isn’t my Sim completing their task? The icon won’t show up.” “My lord it appears the game is bugged.” “:(“

No one thought to tell Diavolo that EA doesn’t plan on offering bug support to a game made in like... 2009

This doesn’t matter! Look at how great his kingdom is doing- oh no his hero has the plague-

He plays through the Pirates and Nobles expansion and manages to get the peaceful ending, he’s so proud of himself.

“MC! Look! My Monarch’s sword is permanently on fire and I’m fighting an evil wizard!”

When he does play the other Sims games he’s pretty basic, though, he does a great job at furnishing!

Dia gets crazy sad when his Sims die... he turns off aging.

Builder no. 2 (Barbatos)

Barbie doesn’t have time for this... but when he does, he builds.

No create a sim.

No playing the game as intended.

Just builds.

It’s relaxing, okay? A nice little suburban house he’s never going to play in, maybe a treehouse, maybe a big Hollywood Mansion...

The only time he actually plays the game outside of build mode is when someone needs his help to fix something in-game.

He does download custom content build items if he feels bored by the current selection.

Oh Crap What Am I Doing?! (Simeon)

Help him. Please.

He’s so confused.

“Luke, why is my sim upset?” “He’s hungry, Simeon.” “Oh, how do I fix that?” “...Simeon-”

There’s a toilet in the middle of the living room.

The fridge is facing the wall.

There’s no bathtub or shower.

The house is on fire- there is no god- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Okay, once he gets the hang of it he’s sitting pretty. His sims have good jobs, the kids are getting good grades, everything’s fine.

...

But Simeon won’t forget the nightmares.

What Even is This Save? (Solomon)

Solomon’s save is the definition of chaos.

One sim’s a vampire, the other is a spellcaster that really wants to fight the Callientes for some reason, there’s one normal sim that’s always sick for some reason,

It gets weird, confusing, and horrible.

Just how Solomon likes it.

His house makes no sense, like, what even is architecture?

Money cheats are needed because Solomon‘a goal of chaos and confusion is proving to be kind of expensive.

Square up Mortimer Goth, Solomon’s sims are here to steal your weird knight statue that’s worth a shit ton of simoleons for NO REASON.

He joined the scientist career for the sole purpose of getting to the alien planet and kidnapping adding an alien to the household via cheats.

The vampire ended up dying on their wedding day because Solomon forgot that he gave them the sun weakness.

Oh well, the ghost got added to the household! VAMPIRE GHOST!

The Child (Luke)

Before you say Luke’s too young to play the Sims, you should know that I was nine when I first started playing, and I turned out fiiiiiiiiiine.

He’s just happy to be playing.

Look, his sims are gardening :D

Look, two of them are getting married :D

Look, they had a baby :D

Look, his sims are building a rocket ship :D

Look, his sims’s rocket just crashed-

The concept of death hit the little angel right in the face that day.

“*sniffle*... my sims...”

Don’t worry, with tears in his eyes, Luke quit without saving and everything was fine!

Speaking of My Sims, Luke played MySims Sky Heroes and that was when Luke had his first bout of gamer rage.

MC came over to hang out with Solomon and Simeon, and in the distance they could just hear:

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY TIME WASN’T FAST ENOUGH TO CONTINUE THE STORY!? I’LL SHOW YOU FAST ENOUGH TIME!”

Okay, maybe Simeon should take the game away... just for a bit... he should take heed not to be bitten by the incredibly angry chihuahua.

Bonus:

MC: Why are our Sims married?

*Insert Boy Here*: Uh... that’s weird... I have no clue why they’re doing that...

#Obey me #obey me headcanons #Obey me!#obey me! shall we date?#obey me! headcanons #obey me shall we date #Obey me Lucifer #Obey me Mammon #obey me leviathan #Obey me Satan #Obey me Asmodeus #Obey me Beelzebub #Obey me Belphegor #Obey me Diavolo #Obey me MC #obey me barbatos #Obey me Simeon #Obey me Luke #Obey me Solomon

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ready-to-obeyme · 4 years

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[OM!] (American) College!AU Demon Brothers

Scenario: Headcanons on the demon brothers as college students (specifically in the US because I don’t know how college works elsewhere), their possible majors, career goals, extracurriculars, ~GPA~ and whatever else I could think of + how meet you in college

Note: I’m hoping to do a Part 2 with the Undateables but honestly… we’ll see lol. This is based off something ~A~ and I thought of for our specific university but we’ve made it broad enough to share HAHA this turned out VERY long

Lucifer

Majoring in Political Sciences with a minor in Psychology

Pre-Law-- most likely immigration law or child custody (there’s definitely a backstory here)

Initially went to community college for the first two years to save up money to take care of his younger siblings

Rejected an offer to go to an Ivy League because it was too expensive; if his siblings ever found out they’d be furious that he’d give up on that chance, but he knows he can succeed wherever he goes (and besides, family is first)

Transferred into a 4-year university his junior year

Very high GPA-- VERY

In a professional fraternity with Diavolo and Barbatos

He didn’t think he’d join one either but Diavolo was the vice chair when he transferred in and the president the year after so… ~nepotism?~ and also Lucifer is charming as heck so no surprise he’d get in

Also rooms with Diavolo and Barbatos

Goes to the gym regularly just to keep fit; gets goaded by Diavolo and Satan into joining an IM team with his frat brothers and actual brothers-- probably basketball or flag football

Probably meets you at a interclub council meeting and mutters under his breath how useless the board members are and you overhear

“Never have I met more incompetent people.”

“Lmao mood”

“!!!”

Keeps sitting next to you at every interclub meeting then after because at least there’s someone that can keep his mind stimulated (thinks you’re hot if you’re competent btw)

If you somehow meet him on campus, he’s the type of guy to put his hand up and pretend he didn’t see you (just kidding, he always ends up saying hi anyways)

Will Absolutely Lecture You if you are procrastinating on studying especially if your midterm is, like, TOMORROW

Always ends up studying with him because he’s actually focused on studying and glares at you if you get distracted (but hey you get good scores in the end)

Mammon

Majoring in Business Econ/Economics, Minoring in Statistics

(always ends up in the middle of the “is econ a humanities or a STEM major” debate that leaves him left for dead)

Planning to work in Business as Finance -- probably has been treasurer or finance director for a club; can even see him being a banker if it suits his plans better

Goes to a four-year university

Decent GPA (or Lucifer would absolutely destroy him), and does REALLY well in mathematics classes

Would room with Lucifer and his posse if they all go to the same school

Probably in a Business Frat as well because he’s pretty charismatic when it comes down to it but was an RA for some of his years for the free rooming and dining hall privileges

Is a very chill and understanding RA (as in he smokes weed with you when he’s off-duty) but is surprisingly well-versed in dealing with roommate issues

Works part-time (gasp) to buy stuff off of Amazon and go out to places

Spends a lot of time exploring places with his friends, going hiking, rock-climbing, clubbing-- which is expensive, as it turns out, so he needed to be able to afford it somehow

Meets you when you’re eating your lunch outside somewhere and he asks you if you have a dollar he could borrow for a vending machine snack

You exchange numbers with him so he can pay it back (even though you honestly don’t really need it, but why not) and turns out he’s in your GE class

“Heyyy wassup! So glad I have a friend in this class”

“Oh by the way, did you finish the homework? Haha, I forgot it.”

Mammon always repays you for your help in food though so you aren’t complaining

Leviathan

Majoring in Computer Sciences

And honestly that’s too much for me already-- the man is doing computer programming, coding-- WHEW-- and they do NOT rest

Goes to a community college but honestly has no problems cinching internships. The computer is his domain-- online applications are EASY, doing projects NOT as easy, interviews? HARD-- REALLY HARD (someone help him)

Probably intends to work with a big company like Google if only to help supply his income so he can live his life going to AX and buying merch

Most likely moved out of his house mid-college with his online friends (who are luckily compatible with him living-space wise) and visits home once a week

There’s two potential sides you can meet first:

Either you meet him at a convention and you both gush about the same character and anime and somehow find each other online (not college related)

Or his favorite Ruri-chan keychain gets broken off in the computer lab, and you’re the one running after him to give it him

He may or may not owe you his life after that (and if you enjoy anime, well that’s a bonus)

Both of these meetings can happen if he doesn’t recognize you in class because you were in cosplay-- imagine the surprise

The two of you as friends are MASTER PROCRASTINATORS at every assignment the two of you have-- so low-key not a great influence-- but you have fun together watching animes, playing games, talking about life-- anything but actual work

Always ends up scrambling to finish things-- but he keeps doing it because it’s been working for him so far

You help him prepare for interviews because he’s always nervous before each one regardless of how well his application looks

Satan

Majoring in Comparative Literature AND Anthropology (ya boy is doing the whole nine yards)

Planning to get his Master’s and then a PhD in one of his majors (whichever proves to be more engaging for him)-- visibly excited to become a Professor

College was meant for Satan-- like REALLY; the man is in LOVE with learning; most likely to go and be accepted to an Ivy-League after Lucifer but... truly believes you can get a good education anywhere so it depends on his financial standing (and how much scholarship he gets)

Does get a little disgruntled when his classes aren’t available but doesn’t mind learning something new-- if the professor bores him to death, he’ll read the book

Really good at tutoring people; someone suggests that he works as a peer-learning facilitator/writing tutor and he does-- might as well make bank doing something you always do anyways

Joins a writing/journal club as an extracurricular and a club that provides tutoring services to the underserved community-- surprisingly good with kids!

He knows friends in high places, so if he wanted to, could get into any party without batting an eye and his favorite professors love him

Spends a lot of his time going out to the city and exploring places, similarly to Mammon, rock-climbing, hiking, paragliding-- anything

He is VERY well-rounded as you can see; competes with Lucifer to see whose GPA is better though

You probably meet him during office hours, and you can only stare in awe as he asks questions that you had in mind, but better; if you’re visibly confused about something, he’ll take his time to help you too (it’s habit at this point)

Ask him for his contact info and you’ll get it, and maybe repay him in coffee? (You always see him at the cafe on campus.)

Most likely to have a specific spot in a cafe that he is always at that the workers actually save a spot for him or give him his usual order before he even arrives-- may or may not have helped them edit their essays or with their homework as a thank-you so you KNOW they’ll love him forever

The type of person to help you make flashcards and cram if you need it

Asmodeus

Majoring in Dance and Fine Arts (I HC going to NYU specifically)

Considering going for an Master of Fine Arts degree but he might just move to New York and go for being a Broadway Star

College is mainly just training for him and hoping to land gigs in local theater-- and the university theater if there is one-- and building his resume for his big break

Has SO many extracurriculars, all pertaining to his career choice, but also because he enjoys what he does: drama, competitive dance team, acapella, fashion design

Makes an unbelievable amount of friends, incredibly good at networking

The first time you saw him was when he was performing for a local theater and you were in love with his performance, and the next time you saw him in the hallway of a classroom building, you told him how much you enjoyed it

Always accepts compliments about his looks with grace, but there’s something about truly being admired for his acting and singing that has him preening

Invites you to come out to his next performance, and if not his, then to another play-- and it can be a date, but up to you ;)

The man is the KING of Multiple Talents and has big dreams to match

Always finds a way to hang out with you and drag you to every club that he can use his fake-id for (and when he’s actually 21 and above, gets a little offended that he doesn’t get ID’d)

A night in the town with you is always a good night!

Sometimes when he has practical exams coming up, he asks you to watch him perform-- and he likes your compliments but actually takes getting all the moves seriously so you better pay attention!

Most likely to move far away to reach his dreams, but he would take you with him if he could-- his little star

Beelzebub

Majoring in Physiological Sciences

Pre-Nursing or Pre-Sports Medicine

He’s a little undecided, but he’s definitely going to go into the health field because he likes the idea of being able to use his strength to help others

Gets a scholarship from the university because he’s part of the football team, which is actually pretty hard on him because Fall Semester/Quarter he has to keep skipping classes for games

Always brings a snack to eat with him during lecture-- and is not afraid to bring his entire lunch and make it right in the front row, though he tends to stick to the back because they tend to have electrical plugs

You most likely meet him during lecture: he offers you an entire sandwich (not a chip bag, not fruit snacks, an entire LUNCH) because he heard your stomach growl during class

From then on, you collect notes for him when he’s gone from games and even go to games if you aren’t usually the type to just to see how he’s doing; it’s hard trying to find you among the huge bleachers, but he always asks you where you’re sitting anyways

Really appreciate it if you help him study into late at night because it IS hard balancing sports and academics

He most likely doesn’t really have any time for anything else so he usually makes up for it during the rest of the year when training is less to volunteer in the hospital or at the gym as a personal trainer

If you ask him to teach you how to properly lift weights, he’ll definitely help out and the both of you can work out together-- though you feel bad when he has to add four extra weights to each side after you finish your reps

Belphegor

Majoring in Computer Graphics/Animation

Intending to go into making animation or game design-- is one of the brothers who doesn’t really know exactly what he wants to do yet because he’s afraid that doing what he loves as a job will ruin it for him

His family reassures him that they’ll support him whether or not he continues with his path in life, but he’s considering art school and then taking internships in places so he has a better idea on what he wants

Most likely to sell his own original work and become a full-time artist regardless

I think you already know how you meet him-- he’s sleeping in a lecture hall-- either against the wall or on the small piece of wood they call a desk when class ends and he’s still sleeping; and you wake him up

Sleepily thanks you and continues to sleep through every class that you wake him up to; when you ask him why he doesn’t just go home and sleep, he tells you he’s too lazy to walk back and forth from his dorm/apartment to campus (mood)

When you add each other on Snapchat or something, he sends you pics of ‘places to nap’ on campus

You always end up studying together because he’s actually pretty good at understanding lecture stuff despite not being awake for most of it-- apparently he’s used to teaching himself

Will make you art for your birthday and will vehemently refuse payment so he just tells you to take him out for dinner instead

If you talk about how you’re not sure on what you want to do in life too, he’ll probably say ‘mood’ but is most likely to encourage you to do whatever you want to do in life too

#obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me satan #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me shall we date?#ngl i would date beel in this au 100%

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #309

“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time / and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”

Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though. Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere. Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it. What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya. Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No. Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either. What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before. Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days. Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway. Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them. Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple. Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No. What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily. What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time. What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering. Do you wear a watch? No. Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore... Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves. What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole* Is your computer decorated in any way? No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places. Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal. Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so... Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have. Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic. How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for. How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation. Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no. Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not. Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place. Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so. Have you ever had a steady job? No. Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools. Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence. How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes. Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though. Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro." Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection. Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take. What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No. Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either. What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day. Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least. Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food. Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia." Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures. What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent. How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed. How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway. When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it. What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons. What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick... Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me. What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (: Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist. Are you shy? I am VERY shy. Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be. Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once. When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure. Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful." Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work... How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there. Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes. What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey. What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life. Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you. Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah. What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing. Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid. What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River. Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh. What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy. When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad. Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything. Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people. Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to. Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No. How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative. Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe. Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor. What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha. Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine. Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months. Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today. Have you asked someone for advice today? No. What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity... Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_; Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened. Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little. Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes. What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's. How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro. Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''you're gonna go far kid'' by the offspring

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richardmv · 4 years

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I’ve been on hiatus from Tumblr for something like a month. Due to the pandemic I’m not traveling as much, which means I’m not listening to music as much (most of the time I listen as I drive) so I don’t have much to post for my songs of the day, still. In the past my blog has been a mix of mostly funny posts, with a few informative and political posts thrown in because that’s also who I am: someone who is (or at least seems) pretty irreverent a lot of the time, but who desperately wants to see positive change in the world.

Normally my political posts are chosen to raise awareness of a specific issue that is present and needing to be addressed, whether it be a politician being awful, a sketchy law, a POC murdered by police, a protest over any of these things, etc. Sometimes a lot of things happen at once, so I queue up a bunch of posts to go out over a week because being bombarded with the darkness in the world constantly just makes one feel overwhelmed and hopeless. But lately it’s been a constant stream of new horrors every day: people killed by police for existing, politicians doing their best to screw over anyone they can for more power, people dying because the US can’t do what the rest of the world did in the face of a pandemic, etc. And I just couldn’t choose who/what deserved attention, what to post when there’s just so much happening right now. Especially while I’m trying to cope with things in my own life.

In February, right before the pandemic hit the US, my roommates and I decided to move into a bigger place. We were optimistic about hosting events for our friends this summer. Then the pandemic hit and social plans went out the window. At work I received a promotion, which meant that after six years I had reached my modest goal for what I wanted from a day job. I would have enough money that I could buy nice things for myself sometimes and still be able to save and worry less about unexpected things. Then my hours were cut in half because of the pandemic (and I’m one of the lucky ones for even being able to work at all). My laptop is pretty much on its last legs; I was planning on saving for a new one this summer. My reduced income meant that was out the window, but I could still use my stimulus check for it. But the check never came and I haven’t been able to reach anyone to ask about it (supposedly it was mailed out two months ago). So I’ve been looking to the future with this house my friends and I share and the quiet parties we might host in the future. But then the owner of the house decided they wanted to sell it, so now we might have to move again. I wanted to see one of my friends who moved out of state; I needed something good with everything going bad. We were told that the house wouldn’t even be listed until sometime in July and I had vacation time I needed to use, so I took it last week and invited my friend to visit for a couple weeks. As we were finalizing plans, my housemates and I received an email telling us that there would be a photographer coming Monday and back-to-back days of showings at some point later in the week, so we needed to make sure the house was ready. So I had to cancel the plans I had made.

Every time it has felt like I can get some relief, that hope gets pulled away. I’ve had some great video games to carry me through this, but I just want something to go right at this point.

I don’t know if I’m ready to come back to Tumblr yet. I’m trying to keep up with at least one person on here who is important to me, but I probably won’t be posting regularly again for a bit.

#personal

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prorevenge · 5 years

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Cheat on me? You'll get deported, arrested, and never see your child again

I’ve read a lot of these and listened to some amazing narrators on YouTube, so decided to post the story of my ex boyfriend.

Throw away account for obvious reasons. Apologies for the long story, I edited out as much as I could, so the story isn’t too long. Also, apologies if this is the wrong subreddit. I'm a little new to all of this.

My ex boyfriend and I are both native-born citizens of the same country in North America. We got together when I was still in post secondary working towards my degree, and he was taking some time before he started post secondary to work and save up money.

Our relationship was basically perfect from my perspective; we had similar goals and expectations, we both seemed mature and able to work through any problems we had, and we both were happy to be together and enjoyed each other’s personalities. We were together for three years prior to this incident.

Our relationship hit a bit of a rough patch though when he told me he wanted to study for his degree at a University in Europe. I, of course, was a little bit upset because it meant that we would be apart for four years (my job field (medical) would require me to retake schooling if I was to go with him), but he was super excited about it and we determined that we loved each other and no amount of distance could change that.

With time I graduated and got my dream job, and I could now afford to rent our shared apartment with just my income, so I didn’t have to move when he was no longer there to pay his half. He was having some problems with his student visa for the country, but it was determined that he could get a temporary visa for the first semester while we waited for the other one to be approved. So with that, he left. I remember balling my eyes out at the airport when I hugged and kissed him goodbye, and parked outside of the airport to watch his plane take off. We talked on the phone almost every night.

As unlucky as it was, about five weeks after he left, I found out I was pregnant. Horrible timing, I know. When I told him I was pregnant he immediately accused me of cheating on him while he was gone. I thought it was a bit odd, since he had never even mentioned such a thing, and it seemed really out of the blue. That obviously lead to a big fight, and I felt offended and disgusted that he would even consider it a possibility.

When he came home for Christmas, he was super happy and love-dove with me, saying he was excited. He even proposed to me on the car ride home from his parents’ house on Christmas eve. I was so happy and overjoyed that it felt like everything would work out okay.

When he went back to school, it was again stressful to go through the pregnancy without him, but both his parents and mine were incredibly supportive. They helped me get everything I needed for the baby, and even threw me a surprise baby shower.

When I gave birth, my ex watched it over skype from his mom. When he finished his exams, he came home to be with us. He immediately started talking negatively about our daughter, saying things like “why is her hair that color? My hair is brown” and “doesn’t she have (your friend’s) eyes?” and he again accused me of cheating. So I reluctantly agreed to perform a paternity test to calm his suspicions. Wow, could you believe it, she was his. He agreed to pay informal child support (sending me money to pay for the baby without a lawful order to do so) while he was overseas. Now for the fun part.

His student visa had still not been approved, so he had to reapply for another temporary semester visa for the next semester. Since he did not have a permanent residence in the country, as he was staying in student accommodations, and he didn’t trust the university to not go through official looking mail,6 he redirected all of his mail to me, which I would forward to the university in his care packages. When he came to visit us, he had applied for a new passport, as his was going to expire in six months. I was tasked with picking it up at the office and sending it forward. However, around midterm exam season, I decided our daughter and I would travel to deliver the care package in person and visit. I had to get her an infant passport and book the tickets, but a couple months later we were getting on a plane. Side note – travelling with a baby sucks and I’m sorry to everyone else on the plane.

When we got to the country, I settled into our hotel, but was too eager to see him. I taxied to his university (only about 45 minutes from the airport), and went to his dorm room on campus. I knocked on the door, holding our daughter. A woman answered the door. At first, I assumed it was his roommate or something, but I don’t remember him mentioning he had one. Denial is a powerful thing, I guess. I asked her where he was, and she said he was inside and called out to him. I heard a “who is it, babe?” as he came to the door, and when he saw me, he froze. He went pale and his eyes widened. The woman asked him “honey, who is this?” and I just turned and walked away.

He called out after me and eventually caught up with me. He basically told me that he’s been so lonely without me and he couldn’t help it and that he loved me and not her, to which she started yelling at him calling him a pig and stuff. My baby started crying because I was crying and so I just left without saying anything. I stayed in the hotel for another day, while he continuously called me on my cell phone. I booked last minute tickets home and left early and ignored every time he called me.

I gave myself a week to grieve and then I put my big girl pants on. I immediately hired a lawyer, and asked him what I could do to legally separate my life from him (in my country we were considered common law married). My lawyer advised me to begin the legal separation process, and apply for a hearing about custody and child support. I sent him a thick manila envelope with separation papers and a notice for a hearing about custody in his next package. We talked on the phone on speaker with my lawyer, and he eventually agreed to sign. He sent me a copy. The hearing was scheduled while school was in session, so no surprise he didn’t show up. I won full custody and he was given an order to pay child support appropriate for his income (he was paying for his college with a grant mostly, so he had to pay based on the grant).

Now this is some revenge, but it went a little further.

Remember when I went to see him, I was bringing a care package? That package contained his new passport. His passport expired, and he was still in Europe, so he couldn’t travel back to our home country legally. He yelled at me on the phone to send him the passport, but I got an idea. He hadn’t been paying the child support, probably because he couldn’t afford it with tuition and wasn’t working, so he had a warrant for his arrest in my home country because of it (contempt of court, or something). And he had never been approved for a student visa, only the temporary one. And since his final exam concluded and it was summer, he technically wasn’t supposed to be in Europe. BUT he couldn’t travel home because he didn’t have a passport. It would be a shame if someone anonymously reported him to the embassy for overstaying his visa, now wouldn’t it?

He got deported back to our home country, where he was arrested at the border. I don’t know exactly what happened, but he spent a couple months on probation and with a criminal record, can no longer apply for a visa of any kind to study abroad. Sorry about that future of yours, but I guess you shouldn’t cheat on someone who loves you to the ends of the earth, the mother of your child. Have a nice life, because we sure will. Oh, and don’t forget to put that cheque in the mail, it’s paying for a little girl’s future education.

(source) story by (/u/beaubandit)

#prorevenge #by /u/beaubandit #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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twihards-never-die · 4 years

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Something that makes me so angry is when I mention I live with my mom still. The first question is, “Wait, how old are you?” and then when I tell my my age (I’m 24) they CLEARLY start to judge me and write me off as some failed adult.

But I have a full time job for which I’m criminally underpaid. It is in a specialized field that required a bachelors degree. I paid off my own car and I pay for my own cell phone and car insurance, plus I contribute a percentage of my income to the rent and other shared living expenses. I have no doubt that I’m paying way less than I would be if I didn’t live with my mom.... But that seems smart to me? Instead of worrying each month if I’ll make rent, I’m able to save a little money. Not a lot, but I do have a savings account.

I also have a chronic health condition that would make it very difficult for me to live on my own. I don’t think I could work full time and keep house without anyone else, so by living with my mom I am able to work and help out around the house. If I’m having a bad day, though, dinner will still be cooked and the kitchen will still be cleaned - because my mom is there to help. She understands that Monday-Friday my spoons need to be used for work first and she respects that.

And yeah, it’s a privilege to be able to live with a parent still in adulthood. I get that there are many folks who leave because of toxic and abusive environments. My mom and I didn’t always get along when I was younger, but she’s been a fucking saint since I’ve gotten sick. Our relationship has improved DRAMATICALLY.

Even if I didn’t have health problems - even if you don’t have health problems - it’s okay to still live with your parent(s) in your twenties. Your milestones don’t have to be on the same timeline as everyone else’s. Your milestones don’t even have to match other people’s. I want to be able to buy a house in the next few years - WITH my mom. Maybe you want to be able to move out on your own. Maybe you don’t have any goals related to your housing. COOL! YOU DO YOU!

That’s...the end of my rant. I’m just irritated and tired of people making feel less than for something as stupid as living with my mom when I could be living in squalor alone or with random strangers who needed a roommate.

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confessionsfromachristian · 4 years

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As a millennial myself, I’m not particularly surprised by this.

Organized religion increasingly feels hollow and insincere in a world where religious leaders play politics both within and without the church, literally everything important turns into another power struggle, and no one seems interested in discussing the important questions.

Pretty much every public religious figure treats their religious text of choice as if they, and they alone, definitely have it all figured out. And if their interpretation (which is definitely, 100% correct, mind you) happens to benefit their interests at the expense of other people, then that’s fine, because it’s religion and therefore it’s good. Televangelists are what most people see of organized religion, and frankly most televangelists seem to be interested first and foremost in what you and God can do for them.

Which isn’t what religion is supposed to be, or what it has to be, but it’s often what it looks like in the here and now.

On a personal level, organized religion is designed astonishingly well to break faithful hearts. If I didn’t have someone to pull me back into church (someone whom I care about deeply, and want to support), I probably wouldn’t ever attend church, between the heartache religion has inflicted on me on a personal level and the disgust I get watching it on an organizational level.

(Story under the cut, because it’s rambling and still fueled by a lot of pain. TW: parent death)

I grew up Catholic, and I left the Catholic church in college because, increasingly, Catholic doctrine started having more holes than substance (at least, to me and my reading of the Bible) and none of the priests I reached out to were willing to give me anything more substantial than “the Bible says so,” even when I couldn’t find where the Bible actually said anything about the matter at hand.

Add on the longstanding problems in the Catholic church (where priests’ jobs have been repeatedly placed ahead of innocent children’s physical and psychological wellbeing, and the few authority figures who try to take local action keep getting told to wait for a comprehensive plan), and, well… I realized that I was getting more stress than fulfillment, and I felt like an outsider every time I went to Mass, so I stopped going.

So I turned to Methodism, because I was raised to be a Good Christian Girl™ and not going to church just wasn’t really an option. I ended up really involved in the Methodist Church in the mid-2010’s, and particularly in the children’s program at my own small church. And that was great for a while.

My conversion to Protestantism was always a sticking point between me and my mother, and I will always regret that a difference of religion meant that many of the times I saw her in the last months of her life were filled with bitter, frustrated arguments.

The day I finished the long process of writing and defending my undergraduate thesis, I drove 3 hours to my hometown with my roommate (a friend from my pre-college years), and didn’t go home because I was too proud of my pro-same-sex-marriage thesis (this was pre-Obergefell) and too tired to put up with another argument about my Protestantism, my liberal views, and my different interpretation of the Bible from the priest at my former church. I called her, told her I was done, that I’d done well, and that I’d see her the next evening, but I was going to crash with my roommate at her parents’ house.

My mother died the next afternoon, before I could call her again. I missed my last chance to see her because I feared another fight about religion. I would give anything to take that decision back.

My father was not thrilled at my conversion, but he’s come around since my mom passed away; he supports me finding a place where I feel spiritually filled, I think more or less because he’s lonely and he’s afraid to lose me (but I won’t ever let a difference of religion come between us). He volunteers at the church I went to as a child, and, up until the events that led to me leaving my small church, he always supported our kids’ programs to.

Although my church always had problems that left me frustrated, I got a lot of fulfillment out of teaching the kids in the church. But then, in 2016, I ended up as an Annual Conference delegate, and I think that’s where things started to spiral, happy as I was to go at the time.

AC was great, and I’m a law-brained sorta person, so all that legislation was wonderful. But I also had the opportunity to see the gritty reality of a world where religion is designed to make money, not just to fill spirits. Churches that don’t make money - even if they don’t lose any - can be closed, regardless of the negative effects, if someone in power thinks that a different kind of church can be more profitable. And if people at AC express dismay over the results? They’re probably good Christians, or they wouldn’t be at AC. Call for a prayer so they’ll shut up and you can move on.

But, you know, power corrupts. So I went back to my small church to try and fix everything I could on a local level, because I while I couldn’t fix the United Methodist Church, I could fix MY church. And, as an AC delegate, I had a spot on the Church Council to help with that goal. But, as it turns out, sometimes even people on a local level really just want the church to make more money. My dream (shared with a couple other church members, admittedly, but by no means all) was to use our children’s program to reach unchurched and underserved kids and bring them to Jesus. That, unfortunately, is not a financially profitable dream. Kids cost money, and unchurched kids are usually not rich ones. And their families often don’t come for more than the children’s events - and they only come for the children’s events because it’s free babysitting.

So every step was like clawing my way out of quicksand. Getting volunteers was like pulling teeth. Getting supplies was usually a matter of “do what you can with the church budget, and donate the rest.” Without volunteers, setup became “work until you’re about to pass out, go home, sleep two hours, then come back and finish before the kids get here.” Meanwhile, programs meant to draw in rich retirees from our community (so that they could give donations while they were in the building, of course) had more volunteers than they needed, and no one questioned whether practically every single man in the church was going to stay after on Sunday to help set up.

And the pastor at the time really was great. But they were a peacekeeper; any problems that arose always had two sides, and always ended in whatever decision kept the status quo because the status quo was safe, and easy.

But then the next AC came, and my pastor retired. The pastor that replaced them had wanted to retire, but had been encouraged by the district superintendent to take on our church instead, as a “part-time full-time assignment.” And I hoped and prayed that they’d bring with them change, but I should’ve been more careful with what I wished for.

They cannot tell the truth to save their life. They would approach me about an issue that was “very important” to them. We’d talk, and come up with a solution. At Church Council, without fail, the pastor would come in and insist that, in fact, we had decided on some entirely different plan. The pastor rarely showed up at children’s ministry events, so getting volunteers got even harder (why care about VBS if the pastor doesn’t?). Slowly, but surely, the church eroded every program I had helped put in place, watering it down or trying to monetize it. So, the Book of Discipline actually mandates a YA representative have a spot on the Church Council. For a while, I and one other millennial (also an AC delegate) fulfilled that role. But the pastor felt it was more important to send the church treasurer, so he could learn to make more money for the church. And that was fine; I and the other millennial approached the pastor at the end of the year about having a YA rep on the council either way (I’d always gone as an at-large delegate; our church was small enough that we only needed 1 lay delegate), and he more or less told us that the Book of Discipline didn’t apply when it was inconvenient for the church.

That’s where I realized that the bridge I was standing on would, inevitably, crumble. But I told myself it was worth trying to fix what was wrong. So I tried. And for a short time, I thought my biggest problem was going to be ensuring that the 2019 General Conference decision didn’t change the way my church embraced its LGBT members.

This new year had brought someone I’d always viewed as a friend into a position of authority in the church. I was excited for her, and I really hoped and prayed that she could do good for the church, and that we could work together to build an inclusive church with a healthy outreach to the underserved and unchurched, things I had always thought she agreed with me about (because she’d told me to my face that she did).

But no sooner did she take the reins than she implemented the volunteer dress code. Which was a far worse thing than it sounds.

We live in Texas. The dress code? No tank tops, no shorts. Ever. Apparently, some anonymous complainer had, at some point, seen an underwear slip or a bra strap. And rather than talk to the volunteers, they wrote a policy. Side note, apparently skirts of any length were fine for women.

Goodbye VBS. I can’t in good conscience ask anyone to monitor children outside, in June, in Texas, in full-length jeans and a t-shirt.

Also, no going barefoot in the sanctuary, ever, for any reason. I was one of two people who regularly shed my shoes during kids’ events where we used the sanctuary. But rather than talk to me about it, it was better to make a policy about it that literally everyone I spoke to knew was a rebuke.

Then, in one of the brand-new children’s oversight committee meetings, they decided to dismantle the children’s program bit by bit. Children’s church? Cancelled. Apparently, we were running a renegade program without pastoral approval anyway.

VBS? “If we can’t charge for it, let’s just cancel it. Add on a few lies about how poorly it was run (by me, in part) to make it seem like a logistical problem.” The children’s director objects to a sexist-worded dress code and refuses to impose it on those under her? “Fire her, no need to look at whether there’s a problem. Make the volunteers (including me) sign the policy before you’ll let them teach the kids on Sunday. Remind them explicitly that this is a prerequisite to working with the kids, so that they don’t feel they have any choice if they want to say goodbye, because they already know that it’s over and they don’t want to blindside the kids.”

I posted about it on Facebook in my frustration and pain at watching them tear apart everything I’ve tried to do for kids that I love like they were my family. I received a termination letter in my e-mail the next day. They proceeded to send a newsletter to the entire church (except me and my family) informing the church that I had been removed as a volunteer for lying on Facebook. No goodbye for the kids. No warning. They couldn’t handle public dissent.

I hadn’t told a single lie. I dared the person who drafted the newsletter to tell me where I lied. No answer.

Of course I left. And it still hurts to walk into a church building. It still hurts to see the kids on my FB feed. I’m still friends with a few of the moms, because I still love their kids. And it will keep hurting me, because I trusted my church. And even though I still go to church now and then, I know damn well not to trust anyone inside.

#religion #christian #christianity #small church #catholic #methodist #parent death #mom death #fivethirtyeight #millennials are ruining #millennials #organized religion #church

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optimisticcapricorn · 4 years

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Hi I'm having a hard time and dealing with abuse, I really want to move out of my parents home but i dont have money :( (i'm 19) what should i do? Could you give me some guidance? Z ♑ + Favorite song rn: Done by CL🎵

Hi Z!💛

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear this and thank you for sharing- this is such a difficult and confusing place to be!💛💛💛 This is mainly advice from my own experiences and also the social worker in me chiming in! This is going to be long and I hope you don’t mind me sharing just in case anyone may be experiencing similar things!!

Being financially dependent in abusive situations is sooo frustrating and hard! I have a few questions for you actually if you would feel comfortable messaging me privately relating to if you are in college/university? Are you able to physically distance yourself or are you living at home all year?

Making your own space/Releasing

Some things that I did when I wasn’t able to physically get away from abusive situations with family was make my own space- I don’t know if you have your own room, but even if you just have a space you can go to that is yours and gives you time to decompress like a backyard or basement, etc. try to make more time for yourself and your mental health in this way!💛 What are your coping mechanisms? I used music so much during hard times- what helps you to release and feel better that doesn’t harm you or others? Do you journal, dance, practice yoga or meditation? Try to make time each day for whatever this may be!💛💛💛

Friends and Family: Who can you turn to?

Do you have close friends or family members who live nearby? It may help to have another physical space to go to when times get really hard!💛 This can be someone you feel safe with and deeply trust! Who is in your circle that you can vent to and feel heard, loved, and supported by?

Finances/Making Plans

Financially, are you able to work? If not, no worries- if your goal is to move out on your own I highly encourage you to seek out employment and make a plan to save and put money every time you get a paycheck to your apartment/house goal- this may take a while but having even a plan can give you piece of mind in this way!💛 Is there someone who you can see as a potential roommate? Have you been able to look into rent wherever you would like to move to? Make your plan as detailed as you would like!✨

Community Building

I also would highly recommend activities outside of the home such as volunteering or sports! Is there something that you’re interested in and would feel comfortable participating in? If this is something you can see yourself doing, definitely look into opportunities- this can also be a wonderful way to increase your community and not feel as isolated as abuse tends to make us feel!💛💛💛

What the cards have to say

The 10 of Wands came out for you and this is such a heavy and seemingly permanent feeling- I am sending you sooooo much love- I can empathize so heavily!💛💛💛

The Ace of Cups also came out which is a beautiful card of wish fulfillment and literally new beginnings related to love and home!!!✨💛✨ I hope this is a comforting sign for you that you can rise above this!!💛

YOU ARE LOVED

Z, I do not know the nature of the abuse you are facing but I am going to provide a link below for a hotline just in case! I hope that you have someone you can go to where you live or y’all things out with as well; even if it’s just friends who are able to hear you out! Any type of abuse whether is be verbal, physical, sexual, financial, etc. can be so damaging to our self perception and life goals/dreams! Abuse is never okay and you are validated in your feelings whatever they may be! Your healing journey from abuse will be full of ups and downs, forgive yourself and practice self-compassion! You are loved and appreciated and so worthy of beauty, stability, and genuine love in your life!💛💛 Sending soooo much love and good energy to you Z and please know you can always get in touch with me through my DMs if you would like to connect more!💛💛💛

https://www.thehotline.org

#free readings #free tarot #✨💛#you are loved!!💛🌸

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teampandawang · 5 years

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SEVENTEEN Reaction: confessing to you

HIP HOP TEAM | VOCAL TEAM | PERFORMANCE TEAM

By: Aria

Genre: Fluff

WOOZI

You couldn’t believe how lucky you were having the job of your dreams, chasing everything one day you asked for. And your determined outlook kept you focused on those goals making you obtain them. You were working at Pledis as a singer for a year now and your life became better, even more with the blooming relationship you had wit one of your co-workers.

Jihoon was your producer and working with him was, certainly, your favorite part of being there. You knew him before you entered the company because you stanned his group and found him really cute. But when you started working with him you figured out why the members teased him about his temper.

Yes, he seemed to be a bogeyman at the beginning. You never saw his smile when you got started. But when the time passed by he started treating you better, even being funny about your gestures while singing. He loved teasing you about what you do while recording a new song. He also attended your MV’s recordings to ‘support you’.

And you were not regretting having a friend like him.

But some days you noticed his look on you changed. It got warmer like he felt something undiscovered when he saw you. You caught his glance a couple times and he just responded at you with a shy smile trying to hide his face turning his back to you and scratching his neck.

“Jihoon, what are you thinking about?” You asked someday starting your new album when you caught his mind out of the room. He was acting really thoughtful, like he turned when he was thinking about writing a new song.

“Nothing. I’m just…” He hesitated leaving a sigh. “I’m just distracted.”

“So, something might be surrounding your mind.” You asked curiously.

“It’s not something…” He looked at you trying to prompt you to guess. “It’s...someone.” He pondered.

“OMG! I CAN´T BELIEVE IT” You shouted excitedly about the new in his life. “Lee Jihoon is in love. That’s neeeew!”

“Y/N, calm down.” He smacked his forehead. “I think it could be better if I didn’t tell you. Anyways, I have to go. See you tomorrow at…”

“4 p.m.” You answered quickly as he walked out of the studio, leaving you confused about his sudden leave.

Next day you were kinda bored so you decided to go to the studio earlier knowing that Jihoon would be there, ‘cause that was his cave, practically. You walked quickly as soon as you get to the building. And when you were about to step on Jihoon’s studio you stopped at the sound of his harmonious voice singing a song, a love song, that you never heard before.

When you got in you saw him practicing something, basically whispering while talking to himself. You caught up something he was saying and you realized he was practicing his confession to the unknown significant other he was hiding.

“Y/N, You’re the one. It may sound weird ‘cause I’m not that kind of romantic guy, but I felt for you.” He said while turning to face you and getting shocked at your presence. “W- What? You were supposed to be here at 4.” He said embarrassed.

“But, I’m here…” You said dying of cuteness at his confession. “And I think that you’re not the only one who has those feelings.” You let out timidly sliding the tip of your foot on the floor.

JEONGHAN

Your day was running as usual. Your boss yelling at you during your shift, your co-worker being the asshole he always behaves like and your clients being incredibly impatient. It was driving you crazy, getting you out of your mind. Tired you decided to take some air, walking to the backyard and ‘throwing the trash’.

As soon as you stepped outside of the cafe your phone rang. You instantly withdrew it off your apron pocket. You looked for the contact ID and felt how your heart jumped against your chest. You tried to catch your threatened breath before talking to him, your sunshine. The only one that was able to fix your mood.

“Jeonghanie, how are you?” You said hiding your displeasure.

“I'm fine. Are you good, Y/N? ” He said identifying the suspicious tone of your voice. “I feel you strange.” He trembled due to your attitude.

He knew you pretty good, enough to find out you weren't feeling good. It was impressive for you how someone could go through you and discover all the enigmas your inner being could keep.

“It's just my work. Things are getting worse day by day and you know… I feel kinda tired.” You explained while walking towards the trash containers and resting your back on it.

“I got an idea.” Jeonghan muttered. “You can quit. It's the only thing that will relieve you.” He added enthusiastically as nothing will happen.

“But, Hanie. I have lots of bills to pay.” You passed your fingers across your hair desperate. “I can’t find another job to save enough money for paying my apartment.”

“You’re so stubborn, babe.” He emphasized on the last word giving you shivers. “I would help you with that. We'll search together and if it's necessary you can move to my dorm ‘til we figure out something.”

First of all, your best friend whom you had a crush on was calling you ‘babe’ for the first time. And second, he was basically asking you to move with him. God dam! The slowest run for it, but the fastest…

“I'm picking you right now there. And I hope that when I see you your apron will be taken off.” He said making you came back to reality and hanging out.

You ran to the cafe and looked for your boss who mysteriously wasn't yelling at everyone that passed by his glance. You bursted into his office encouraged but were stopped at the sight of your friend talking politely to him.

“Oh, Y/N.” Jeonghan greeted cordially without leaving his sit. “I was talking with Mr. Wen, teaching him how a knight has to treat people.” He stood up and pecked your cheek painting it red of embarrassment.

“Mr. Wen I wanted to talk to you.” You opened your mouth to keep when you got shocked at the feeling of Jeonghan’s hand tangling his fingers with yours.

“I already told him everything. My girlfriend can't be used like that.” He smirked looking at your eyes and training you outside the office, outside the cafe, to the street where his car was parked.

“Your girlfriend?” You said surprised and excited.

“Yes… Uhm.” He whispered scratching his nape. “I wanted to ask you in a fancier way, but the situation needed some pressure.” He recovered his composure and continued. “Y/N, I'm crazy about you and I don't want any bad in your life. I want to share my all with you. Let us be.”

“We have being us for a while, but today I'm pretty sure I became your girl, Jeonghanie.” You answered hugging his waist. “Thank you for everything.” You added while he kissed your forehead.

JOSHUA

You didn't see the hour to come back home after the hardest day you have faced at college. You had millions of tasks that didn’t seem to end, but you needed some rest urgently. Your classmates told you that they could stay longer working on their part and will help you with yours so you could take some time for chill at your place.

You arrived late at night to your dorm. Your roommate was at his boyfriend’s house so all the lights were turned off and the door was locked down. You were so worried that the fact of having to look for the keys to get in stressed you out. But that was the only way.

You slipped in and walked towards your bedroom with your zombie mood on, without even turning the lights on. You knew your space very well and you didn't need them, apparently, until you shocked something.

You were kinda confused, trying to mind what was it and why the hell was hindering your way to your precious, and urgently, needed bed.

Grunting you walked toward the switch. You freezed at the sight of the biggest gift box you have ever seen. It was beautiful. It has heart-shaped balloons tied at the top. It left you highly confused.

You wanted to call your roommate to ask if it was hers, but something told you to look for its postcard. And you find it hanging off a red thread. You opened it delicately and your eyes shut open when you read it.

Your heart wanted to explode. Was it real? You were rushing trying to unbox it. You were shaking, your hands didn’t answer. It was unbelievable.

You were dating Joshua just for a month, and you couldn't deny that the thing between you two was growing quickly and strong. But it stills a surprise, a mystery, about why he was doing this move so quickly.

The box contained a beautiful roses’ bouquet, a little chocolate box (your faves), and a sign where a big ‘Do you want to be my girlfriend?’ can be read perfectly in a golden ink. It made you tremble leaving your eyes watery.

“What can I say, Y/N?” Joshua stepped out of your bedroom meeting you at your shocked expression. “You got me and I'm not letting you go. I don't want to waste time.” He said holding your waist.

“Josh, I'm…I'm just…” You hesitated before he cupped your chin with his hands making you look at his eyes. “I'm so into you. And I don't want to wait neither.”

He smiled seconds before collapsing his lips over you leaving a sweet taste over them.

“Then, we don’t have to, babygirl.” He said intertwining your hands. “I have something prepared for us tonight, but… you look so tired.”

“I am.” You bended your head embarrassed for ruining his plans for you two.

He suddenly carried you and laid you on the couch. “Don’t worry. We can have our date indoors.” He coed kissing your sleepy eyelids.

DK Flashes lighting, haute couture clothes and lots of image consultants. It was the summary of your daily routine since you became a top model. You always kept busy with photo shoots and interviews, but nothing really fun or interesting at all, just like the superficial things about being in the fashion industry.

You arrived at the studio early, without makeup and wearing baggy clothes that looked like pajamas, looked trashy and tired. You didn’t want to do that photo shoot, it was becoming for you boring, without having enough time to interact with more people unless they were your managers.

And you thought today wasn't going to be the exception but resigned you stayed focused because it was the job you choose on your own.

“Y/N, come here, please.” Your manager spotted your lazy mood and started grinning in disappointment. Your knowledge about his behavior told you that he was getting angry about your attitude, making you notice the ass you were acting like.

“Sorry, Soonhyuck-nim.” You bowed apologizing.

“Don't worry, Y/N.” He forced a smile while turning his head to the two men standing in front of you. He extended a hand presenting you to them.

“Y/N, they're Seokmin and his manager, Huedong-nim.” You bowed at them noticing how the good-looking boy smiled with a pretty warm grin. His look reminded you about someone you have seen before but your memories weren’t answering you the throbbing question.

“You and DK are going to collaborate for the magazine’s cover.” Your manager added talking about the guy. And you absolutely recalled his face. He was an idol for a group you used just to listen to.

You started working hard. And you didn’t have a single second without the feeling of DK’s gaze over you. He was lost on you. You didn’t know how much he admired you. Your beauty was something that always had caught his attention since you became a famous fashion icon in Korea. He practically had a crush on you, and he was not letting this opportunity to pass.

Having you by his side, even if it was working, was driving him crazy. Millions of thoughts traveled his mind nonstop. The jitter feeling rushing around his body tried to control his decisions, but he was blown by a confidence vibe and decided to make a step.

“Y/N, you don’t know how glad I am working with a model like you.” He approached you at the vanity while your stylist was retouching your makeup. His sudden chat took you in surprise, but his words made you blush and smile.

“That’s a pleasure for me to work with a talented boy as you, Dokyeom-nim.” You stood up bowing slightly showing him all your respect and admiration. You faced him and noticed his beautiful smile, and it was because of you. Your eyes lightened up at the sight of his attitude about you. He was really handsome, and a gentleman, without doubts.

“I was wondering…” He started shyly lowering his gaze while scratching the back of his neck. “I was wondering if exists the possibility of taking you into a date.”

He suddenly looked confident smiling.“Oh!” You exclaimed in surprise. “I will be glad if you do.” The warm painted red your cheeks at the thought of him being interested in you.

He was such a gentleman and you appreciate it.“Really?” He brightened. “I can believe it.” He said laughing and calling his manager desperately.

SEUNGKWAN

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re slaying with that dress?” Seungkwan rolled his eyes. He had spent the whole evening accompanying you while shopping. His role carrying your bags wasn’t hard for him since he loved this plan with you, he said it fed his fashion sense, and you weren’t refusing to be helped.

“I don’t know…” You said taking a look again at the full wall mirror next to you. “I think that we might go to the next store. I heard that the new collection has arrived and that’s amazing.”

He hummed at your wish and waited patiently while you put on your clothes. You stepped outside of the dressing room handing the seller a couple of blouses you wanted to purchase. You went to the line and when you faced the cashier suddenly Seungkwan stood by your side and give her his credit card. Your mouth opened in awe.

“Don’t look me like that, Y/N.” He spoke without even looking at you.

“But, why you did it?” You asked. “I can pay for it. Don’t worry.”

“No, no. I just wanted to spoil my girl.” He said receiving the bags and hanging them on his arms without changing his detached expression.

You walked in silence to the store you wanted to go trying to understand why he started acting like that at the drop of a hat. He always had been so cheesy with you and today he started behaving different, distant like he didn’t want to be there.

You ignored his attitude and started looking excited about the pretty long shiny dresses. They were so cute that you didn’t know which one to choose. You took around four of them and walked to the dresser quickly. You proof every one of them and stood up to let Seungkwan told you his opinion about them always mocking a runway and acting like a model to make him laugh, and he started changing his mood.

It lasted just one dress. It has dark blue sequins, back cleavage, and side-opened skirt. It was your favorite. You walked outside the room with a big smile on our face being amazed at the way the dress made you look.

You looked for Seungkwan who was scrolling on his phone and started walking towards him hoping you caught his attention. When you were literally in front of him the shining of the sequin raised his eyes over your shape. His jaw hit the floor. His eyes shut opened. You looked gorgeous and he didn’t want to keep hiding it.

“Definitely, I’m in love with a goddess.” He threw his hand over his forehead mocking a faint. His reaction was cute and made you nervous at his sudden confession that you decided just to hug him and kiss his cheek while hiding your embarrassed face.

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catholicartistsnyc · 5 years

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Los Angeles Featured Artist: Johnnie Eagan

JOHNNIE EAGAN is a Los Angeles-based artist specializing in drawing. (Website)

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION (CAC): How do understand your vocation as a Catholic artist? Do you embrace the label?

JOHNNIE EAGAN (JE): I definitely see myself as a Catholic artist, because God gave me this passion, the inspiration, the means to buy art supplies- everything! My personal mission is to help lead people to God, which is precisely what beauty/ art is supposed to do. It’s meant to cause people to reflect inward, then look upward, to Him. Furthermore I hope people see how diverse Catholics are - they’re singers and writers and artists. There is not one specific mold a devout child of God must fit into!

CAC: Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

JE: So many people of faith have been willing to give my art a chance, and faith is such an incredible base upon which to build a partnership. The Ordinary, a Catholic newspaper focusing on showcasing artists of faith, included my work in their third issue. Even though I’m not quite an established artist yet, they were happy to give me the opportunity, and were so kind throughout the whole process. The Sheen Center recently had an amazing showcase, where the Ordinary displayed art from all three of their editions. So even though I was not physically there I got to see some stunning art (and 2 of my pieces) displayed in a beautiful manner.

A Catholic deacon has also hired me to illustrate his book spotlighting the saints - and I’m sure he could’ve gone with any number of highly experienced professionals, but he graciously blessed me with this job, which I love. Working with fellow Catholics takes so much stress out of the process, because I know I am working with open, honest people, who share my goals.

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

JE: There are so many spectacular artists of faith in the world! I have found that artists who are creating for a higher purpose are encouraging and courageous in their pursuit of what they love and their vocation. Even non-Catholic artists can feel a connection to an image of the Blessed Mother, even if they don’t know who she is or all she stands for. Art opens a door to the faith, through which most people feel comfortable passing through. Which I find so exciting!

CAC: How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

JE: Honestly, Catholic artists groups such as this Facebook group should exist in all parishes! Whether it’s an online community or a weekly meeting, I think if there was an opportunity to connect, many gifted people would be happy to take it!

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

CAC: I hope openness persists in the artistic world, not towards just the artwork but towards the people behind the pieces. It’s easy to gravitate towards a piece, but upon learning more about the artist and his or her personal life, disconnect. I hope if fellow artists become aware of my faith, they respond with curiosity, rather than judgment.

CAC: Where in Los Angeles do you find spiritual fulfillment?

JE: In Los Angeles, I’m a parishioner of Saint Anne, and I volunteer with the confirmation classes and youth ministry.

CAC: How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist living in Los Angeles?

JE: I definitely have found artist communities via social media - which was something I was so against, until I realized what a positive tool it could be!

CAC: What is your daily spiritual practice?

JE: I like daily prayer, and occasional spiritual direction with any priest at my home parish. I find it best to constantly thank God throughout the day, like a long, continuous prayer. It helps my mind stay on track when I’m tempted to fall into an ungrateful, demanding mindset. There are so many things to say thank you for, and I always need to be reminded of that.

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice? And what are your recommendations to other artists for practicing their craft daily?

JE: Honestly, I do not draw every single day! Someday soon I pick up the pencil and nothing in my head is translating to paper, and I have to stop before I get frustrated with myself and forget that art is supposed to be enjoyed. Some days I’ll draw until 2 in the morning because I’m loving how a piece is coming together. So practice daily patience, and always remember that art, your ability, is a gift - that would be my suggestion.

CAC: Describe a recent day in which you were most completely living out your vocation as an artist.

JE: Probably just this past week when I finally made a website to sell my work. I have put off doing so for years because I was sure my work wasn’t good enough, or no one would want to purchase it, and I would be embarrassed. The more I thought it over I realized that God does not call us to keep our lampshade over our lights. We need to be confident, even if it feels unnatural at first, and spread joy through what we have to offer the world. When I am bold saying “this is my work, and it’s good!” I feel most in-tune with my vocation.

CAC: How do you afford housing as an artist in Los Angeles?

JE: Currently i am living at home to save money - and once my fiancé and I move in together after the wedding we will (thankfully) be a two income household! Roommates are definitely a must, at least in the beginning stages of pursuing a career in art.

CAC: How do you financially support yourself as an artist?

JE: Since my expenses are minimal currently, I am more aiming to save and make sure the hours of work I put into a piece are reflected in the price. If I spent four hours on a piece for example, I would make sure I am making at least 15 dollars an hour - it helps to look at such an untraditional line of work in a traditional 9-5 mindset in terms of salary. Your time as an artist in valuable, and knowing that is important if you hope to make a living in an artistic field.

CAC: How much would you suggest artists moving to Los Angeles budget for their first year?

JE: Savings is incredibly important, and I would suggest that affordable housing be a top priority. If you could rent a room, or guest house initially that would be ideal- so that there is wiggle room if the money is slow to come.

CAC: What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists post-graduation?

JE: I would suggest that you throw caution to the wind, and pursue every possible opportunity. In the beginning stages (which I am currently in), it is so important to make your work visible to as many people as possible, be it feature collaborators, buyers or clients.

Secondly, now is a fantastic time to devote as many hours as possible to fine tuning your craft. Post college I finally had time to explore different mediums- such as digital art!

Lastly, make a website (if you haven’t already).

#artist #drawing #art #sketch #illustration #johnnie eagan #catholic #catholic artist #catholic artist connection #los angeles #sheen center #the ordinary #st. anne

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l-enfer-c-est-les-autres · 5 years

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just had a long argument with my roommate about how “violence doesn’t solve anything”, “violence is never the answer, if we kill we’re just as bad as them, look at gandhi”, and “everyone has the right to live/no one deserves to die, even murderers/rapists/fascists/etc”, “if a woman’s being abused she can just walk out the door while the abuser is sleeping”, and how “there’s always jobs available nearby for everyone if you work hard enough, that don’t require transportation and are sustainable for you and your family and you magically qualify for and don’t require any luck”. she’s absolutely a good person, and generally well-informed, but this is where white, middle class privilege shows.

1. self defense IS NOT EQUAL to assault. there is no moral comparison, and those who argue this are brainwashing their victims into allowing themselves to be victimized, to not fight back, to roll over and make things easier for them. if it’s kill or be killed, the aggressors should absolutely be the ones to die.

2. no, i do not value the lives of murderers/rapists/fascists/etc as equal to that of their victims. if it’s kill or be killed, they should absolutely be the ones to die. it’s not about the morality of the death penalty; in the USA, the ‘justice’ system is blatantly broken: prisons are for profit, black kids who smoke weed go to prison for 6 years while white rapists get 1 week of jail time, sexual predators and offenders become president. when the system not only fails to protect you, but is part of the oppression against you and your loved ones, fighting back is self-defense, and you should and must fight back with all the means at your disposal, including violence.

3. india rebelled violently against britain, there was violent armed conflict between indians and british, gandhi just became the figurehead of the movement, and there were other factors such as economics at play; it is total bullshit myth that india achieved independence solely through pacific protest. resisting and fighting against the depredation of a colonizing aggressor is self-defense.

4. sexism, classism, racism, fascism - there is a war going on. people, lots of people, especially the poor and POC, are dying every day, murdered deliberately and though the negligence of the government and the society that is supposed to serve and protect them. you cannot “vote them out” because a) in the USA, the popular vote DOES NOT MATTER, the electoral college chooses the president and most americans don’t vote enough at the lower levels of government to claim any measure of democratic power (not to mention the US has been an oligarchy since Reagan), b) the system is designed by the people in power so that they remain in power. the system literally CANNOT be fought from within. ex: a good number of dictators were originally democratically elected; then once in power they change the laws so the presidency becomes a lifetime office. corrupt governments - and all governments become corrupt over time because enough/too many humans are selfish, greedy, stupid creatures - are self-sustaining and will legalize evil and corruption. bribing officials and buying elections? legal in the USA. under the trump administration, getting rid of the EPA means legalizing known dangers to public health and safety such as toxic waste dumping. the water crisis in flint? perfectly legal for the government to do nothing for 5 years and let an entire city suffer without clean water and get lead poisoning (the citizens are suing the government for damages, but this will not undo their suffering or restore their health). this is why revolution is the only means of destroying corrupt government and restoring power to the people, and revolution is self-defense.

5. the rights we have today - women’s rights, equal rights, LGBT rights, children’s rights, human rights - our grandparents and parents absolutely fought and died for them, they did not wait around pacifically waiting for those in power to give them some, and too many of us today are still fighting for ourselves and others. suffragettes were imprisoned, assaulted, and had their lives ruined; martin luther king jr. was assassinated by the FBI only 50 years ago when my mother was a teenager (don’t let those black and white photos fool you into thinking it was further away than it really is), and countless others died protesting and fighting; the LGBT at stonewall rioted and physically fought the police for 5 days. so many of the LGBT+ community are still fighting today, and being harassed, physically and sexually assaulted, and murdered, and teenagers are especially vulnerable and often are kicked out of their homes and forced into homelessness. those in power never voluntarily relinquish, share, or give power, because it doesn’t benefit them; they have to be forced to do so, including through violent means, and this is self-defense.

6. no there aren’t magically convenient jobs for everyone everywhere, and it is nearly impossible to climb out of poverty. when you’re living paycheck to paycheck, losing a job for even a week can be enough to force you and your family into homelessness, and from there it’s nearly impossible to find work without a permanent address, a phone number, access to regular showers and food, and god forbid you need healthcare in america, etc. you’re disabled or it’s freezing winter outside? financial insecurity and homelessness is a death sentence. in france the gilets jaunes movement began to protest a tax on cars that would have crippled the working poor, because while it’s good in theory to reduce carbon emissions and save the environment, there is not the infrastructure necessary to replace those cars. in north america, you can’t go anywhere without a car; if you live outside the city or in certain neighborhoods there’s no public transportation or it’s unreliable, or what would be a 10min trip from my house to the grocery store would take >2h30 by bus because there’s a highway to go around, which is simply not doable: the more time i spend commuting, the less time i can spend working, sleeping, feeding myself, taking care of dependents, etc. in contrast, you could live without a car in most of Japan because they have amazing public transportation. fighting to maintain the means of self-subsistence is self-defense.

7. i asked her: have you ever had to worry about where you were going to sleep tonight, or whether you could eat? no, she hasn’t. how many homeless people do you know, when you’re talking about how you and your friends all managed to find work within bicycle distance of your house? none. when is the last time you or your loved ones were threatened and endangered, harassed, discriminated against, or killed by neo-nazis, mass shooters, the police, etc? never. (ironically, she agreed that World War II needed to be fought) . when confronted with bigots whose proudly self-professed goal is mass genocide of you and your people, fighting back and killing them to prevent them from killing you is self-defense.

8. nazis, school shooters, domestic abusers, ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL. the majority of them, and this is proven by many, many studies, don’t have mental illness, and ALL of them have VALUE PROBLEMS. as in, they don’t value the lives of POC and women, they hold as a core belief that they are less and deserve to be killed and treated poorly. “if a woman’s being abused she can just walk out the door while the abuser is sleeping”: even discounting the psychological effects of abuse (hopelessness, feeling of being trapped, dependence, fear of repercussions and punishment, etc) abused women usually don’t have any money or means of earning money; if they have children it’s even harder. women’s shelters will only let people stay for a limited amount of time, and an abuser can easily find out the address. i used to live by the only women’s shelter in the area, the gate was dented from all the men who would come and beat it, with their hands, baseball bats, ramming their cars into it, shouting and threatening; i’m sure that more than one woman was caught leaving and beaten even worse for the attempt, and they are often too afraid to ask the police for help, or the police refuse to help because they’re poor/uneducated/POC/don’t give a fuck/don’t believe them because the abuser is an upstanding pillar of the community/etc, or in the USA the abuser is often a cop. and if the police do show up, the abuser might not go to court or serve jail time, meaning he’ll be free to retaliate against the woman and children, and in many cases abusers retain parental rights over their children; even if a restraining order is issued, that doesn’t guarantee it will be enforced, and it will not prevent an abuser from harming the woman and children, only punish him for it after it’s too late. for the woman and her potential children, leaving means homelessness, starvation, immense psychological stress, and huge risk of retaliation up unto being murdered. so if, since she cannot resist or escape her abuser while he’s beating the shit out of her, she decides to take a kitchen knife and kill him while he’s passed out drunk, that’s self-defense.

yes, we can and must educate people, especially children, and yes this is the only way to bring lasting change on a societal level. but in the meantime, my roommate and her loved ones aren’t the ones suffering from chronic poverty, threatened and degraded by discrimination, being denied job opportunities and basic rights, or dying from completely preventable lack of food, shelter, and medical care, or being murdered because they and their lives are considered trash. no violence is not always the only solution, but sometimes it is, and sometimes it is the best solution.

obviously her understanding of the world is going to be heavily influenced by her experience of it. and the reality is, she’s blonde, thin and conventionally attractive, from an educated financially secure family, can afford to be vegetarian and buy high-quality food every day, and she can single-handedly pay her own university tuition (in canada) with her part-time job. but it’s easy for her to say that “violence is never the answer” when she has never, and likely will never, have to fight for her life, her rights, or those of people like her, will never have to defend her inherent worth to people who genuinely don’t care. and this is a good thing, because no one should have to do any of this, but it needs to be true for everyone. so repeat after me,

PACIFISM IS FOR THE PRIVILEGED.

THE LAW IS NOT JUSTICE.

CAPITALISM IS FAKE AND NON-SUSTAINABLE, IT IS A VIOLENT, SYSTEMATIC, MURDEROUS ATTACK AGAINST THE 99%. there is no reason other than the greed of the 1% for the way our society is currently structured or how resources are being distributed. jeff bezos is currently worth 165 billion USD. if you divided that equally among all 7 billion people on this planet right now, we would each have over 22 billion, can you wrap your heads around that? or let’s convert that into time, $1 for 1 second: if i earn 50k/year, i get to live for not even 14 hours; jeff over there will live for 5232 years. so yes, EAT THE RICH. it is horrifyingly evil to have that much money, knowing the only way to have that much is to make it at the expense of the vulnerable, off of slave labor and the exploitation of human suffering, and even worse to choose not to use it to improve the world around you and help your fellow man.

#rant #violence against women #capitalism #justice #human rights #gay rights #pacifism #white privilege #poverty #homelessness #self defense #revolution #jeff bezos #domestic violence

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cloudynames · 5 years

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Pillow Talk

gamers!! we’re back!! living our best lives!! i hope everyone is having a fantastic day or night~ this piece was actually one of my more difficult pieces to write and i dont know it was just hard ;; i hope everyone enjoys this and i will make sure to work harder for the next story!

Word Count: 5,609

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, sexual themes (no actual smut)

lets get it

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“Oh my god, you’re going on a date with him? He’s so cute!” One of your friends giggled, scrolling through an Instagram that you could really care less about. Mindlessly, you stirred your coffee with a straw and reflected on your complicated relationship with love.

It wasn’t that you hated men or whatever. You would’ve loved to hold someone’s hand or to go on cute dates during those four years of suffering to ease your pain. In high school, boys would be drooling over the numerous, gorgeous transfer students while you were just… there.

In your baggy uniform with a head in a book and an awfully little amount of sleep due to studying until ungodly hours of the night.

You didn’t think it was a bad thing at all. Because of this, you had so much more time to study and hang out with friends. There was definitely an unhealthy amount of mocking from your family and friends but it all paid off in the end because you ended up going to a fantastic college with exam results better than any alumni previously. However, like anyone at your age, you still had a pit of desire in your stomach.

“What about you, (y/n)? Any boys hit you up recently?” A voice interrogated, snapping you instantly back to reality.

Rolling your eyes, you slide your phone over to show your most recent text messages.

“The last guy you talked to was your teacher who you asked about the project due in a few weeks.”

With a loud groan, you stole your phone back from nosey eyes and selfish hands. A few moans of complainant lingered the air as they wanted to delve more into your messages.

“I’ll never find a boyfriend,” You whine, fake crying into your arms.

Laughs fill the small part of the cafe you sat at and you felt your face burn up with embarrassment. As much as it was hilarious how you couldn’t get a boy to save your life, it also dug into you, knowing you would probably end up alone for a large majority of your life.

One of your friends patted your back and with an encouraging smile stated, “Maybe you should try sticking your head somewhere else other than a book.”

The crowd exploded in amusement once more and by this point, you were fuming. Yes, the situation was hilarious about how you couldn’t even get a glance from a dog. The fact that they mocked you for it annoyed you to the end of hell. Just because you weren’t actively searching for a boyfriend didn’t mean boys avoided you like the plague.

‘It might’ve been easier for them to get a boyfriend but look who's struggling in creative writing just to earn a C on every paper.’

Similar cruel thoughts invaded your head and you desperately tried to get them out. It took a few minutes but your bubbly smile was back on your face and a newfound inspiration was beating in your heart. You were sick of the laughter and pity. Above all, you were tired of not having someone to call your own. To kill two birds with one stone would be exceedingly pleasing.

Determination filled you and once you were motivated, you were going to meet your end goal.

That end goal?

A boyfriend.

For the plan of attack, you would need to think of boys that you’ve talked to before. There was Jaehyun from biology but you were unbelievably positive that he was eating someone’s face off at the most recent frat party. Yuta, from your economics class, would be a fantastic person to go on a date due to his infectious smile and sweet crescent eyes if you didn’t hear the most recent rumors of him breaking girls’ hearts for money.

Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, you pondered if there were any boys willing enough to take you on a date. Doubt clouded your train of thoughts and you seriously considered the fact that nobody would ever like you enough to initiate something. As you were about to drift off to sleep, your brain lingered to a boy in your math class. Everyone could see him with hearts in his eyes for you. He would be perfect.

You sat closer to the boy named Mark in your math theory class. He was cute from a distance and especially upclose. If you went on one date with him, all the mockery would stop for good.

And if you’re lucky, maybe the loneliness would go away as well.

A few days later, Mark finally asked you on a date. With nervous, shaky hands, he gave you his phone asking for your number. You cocked your eyebrow in confusion since the two of you haven’t exchanged more words than a quick ‘hello’ and asking each other for the answers on numerous equations.

“M-May I please ask you on a date?”

You stood in front of the movie theater, holding his too sweaty hand as the both of you walked forward in line. For someone that appeared so mysterious and cool, he was really like a tense, little boy. All you could think about was how it felt like you were taking your little brother to a movie.

“Two tickets for Spider-Man.” Mark asked, squeezing your hand. Giving him a small smile, you reached in your bag to pull out your share of price.

Mark’s eyebrows furrow as his hands scramble around in his wallet, looking for his debt card. He shuts it with a sigh and looks at you pleadingly.

“Could… you please…”

You had already given the cashier enough money for the both of you.

This would be fine if Mark didn’t insist on buying snacks at the movie theater.

“Please, (y/n)! How can we watch a movie without food.” He whines, throwing a playful (and hopefully fake) tantrum.

With a long, drawn out exhale, you bought a large popcorn and two waters. Throughout the week, you would definitely need to eat the complementary ramen they stored within the dorm kitchens since you had blown half your weekly allowance on mediocre popcorn and tiny waters.

By the time both of you had been settled down within the theater, you were embarrassed to the extent where you might’ve screamed. Mark had lifted the armrests and comfortably placed his legs on the next three seats. Seeing this site, your throat dried up and you tried to scoot further away so people wouldn’t associate you with someone displaying such poor manners.

If that wasn’t the tip of the iceberg, Mark hogged all the popcorn and took both the water bottles after he had choked on a kernel. With the little side remarks he commented during the movie and his loud chewing, your brain was begging to put it out of misery.

He dropped you off at your house and awkwardly waited for you to deliver a kiss upon his cheek as the night came to an end. Patting his shoulder, you thanked him for the night. Once you escaped to your warm, cozy bed, you blocked his number.

Never again.

As a result, your friends hunched over their respective seats, dying with laughter after you told them about your horrible date.

“It’s not funny!” You yell, gripping onto your fork too tight for anyone’s liking.

The laughter calmed down once everyone found a new topic to dicuss. A normal conversation arises and you soon lose yourself in your thoughts.

So what? Maybe Mark wasn’t your guy but you weren’t upset. There was someone out in this world for you and you just needed to be patient. But as the conversation slowly shifts back to romance, you feel dread creeping up in your soul. Staring at the couples entering and exiting your cafe made you more self-conscious. If everyone was able to find someone, how come your time hasn’t come yet? You weren’t getting any younger and you would be an adult soon.

“And I heard from Eunwoo that she bought a callboy! I don’t even want to repeat the things she did… It was so intimate.”

Ears perking up, their voices drew you into the conversation. What is a callboy? More importantly, they got intimate with someone like holding hands?

Quieter than the rest, you inquired, “What’s a callboy?”

All eyes were on you and heat rose to your face instantly. It was such a stupid question, but excuse you for being so naive! Not everyone has knowledge on everything in the world.

“Oh, well it’s a boy you rent to do... stuff with.”

“Like cuddle?” You asked innocently, excitement showing on your face.

“Yeah! Sure!” They smiled and one of them gave a weak thumbs up.

From that point, you were sold on the idea.

With a budding interest, you researched how to rent one of these perplexing ‘callboys.’ Tapping quickly on your phone, you clicked on the first link presented to you. Under the explicit pictures (probably due to ads and viruses), you touched the phone number and waited for someone to pick up. A minute had passed and you began to grow weary. Perhaps you had called the wrong number. As you were about to hit ‘end call,’ a voice emerges from the speakers.

“Hello, name?”

Almost dropping the phone in your hand, you spoke softly, “(Y/N).”

“What time would you like?”

It hadn’t occurred to you that he would be coming to your house! Your mind was in shambles as you thought about a time where you were in the dorms but none of your roommates would be home. All four of you would go out drinking on Friday’s but maybe you could make an excuse to stay home…

“Ah! Anytime tomorrow after eight at night.”

“Who would you like to escort you?”

Confusion was evident in your voice as you utter, “Escort is a strange word to use. I didn’t even know I had options.”

“So you’re a first time? Well, there’s Taeil, one of the more experienced workers. We’ve only heard good things from Kun as well. Jungwoo is also available around the same time.”

You placed yourself on mute and your tongue played with the names given to you. Taeil rolled off your tongue kindly and left a warm feeling in your stomach.

“May I have Taeil?” You requested, nervousness building up in your body. You couldn’t believe you were actually renting a boy to talk to and cuddle.

“Of course. Payment will be taken after the visit. Please do not hesitate to contact us if something goes wrong. Thank you for your business. We hope to see you again.” And with that, the line was clicked off and you were left in the darkness of your lonely room.

Plugging in your phone, you rolled over in bed and shoved your head in a fluffy pillow.

What have you done?

Finally, seven o’clock had come and you watched your roommates rush around the room looking for a setting spray or a comfortable pair of heels. Wrapped up in a big comforter, you helped one of the girls pick between two lipsticks.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to pick you up some food afterwards? What if you get hungry?” Hani questioned, putting her hair in a low ponytail.

Using your decent acting skills, you nodded without much interest, conflicting from your inner thoughts. You were beyond excited for tonight but you had to hide it from everyone.

“Yeah, I’m okay. If I get hungry, I’ll just eat a few crackers. I don’t have much of an appetite.” You breathed off, clearing your throat after for dramatic effect.

With enough pestering, Hani and the girls left the apartment in a rush. They would forget you were sick by the time they arrived at the club.

Knowing you would be having company over, you skipped over to the bathroom and started to apply natural makeup and changed into one of your more fancier pairs of pyjamas. Sitting on the couch, you waited restlessly. With hands growing sweaty, you wiped them desperately on your clothed thigh. What if he denied service to you since you were presumably so ugly? Or even worse, what if he knew one of your roommates and commented on one of the numerous photo frames?

Your thoughts halted as the ring of the doorbell filled the room. For a few seconds, your mind was completely stilled with every doubt. Rising to your feet, uneasiness set back in and you question your most recent actions. Regret pooled within your stomach. Maybe you should’ve just gone clubbing with your friends. It’s beyond embarrassing how lonely you are to needing a callboy.

Straightening out your shirt, you open the door and with your best smile, you begin the conversation with a simple, “Hello.”

A man with brown, tousled hair stood outside your door, adjusting his watch. Raising his head, he flashed a smirk with a gaze that was too sharp for your liking. It seemed like he was analyzing you already although the two of you haven’t even exchanged greetings yet.

“Are you going to invite me in or what?” He teased, biting his bottom lip right afterwards.

Blushing, you scooted away from the door to make room. He stepped inside your dorm and whistled. “We don’t get a lot of students. Are your roommates gone?”

Nodding your head furiously, “Yes. I made sure that they would be gone.”

Suddenly, Taeil’s gaze darkened and the entire mood of the room seemed to shift. He approached you and took one of his hands, grazing your cheek. Leaning close to your ear, he muttered, “Oh? So you came prepared?”

His hands started to drift to your shirt, rubbing the soft fabric between his hands. Indeed, the man was right when he said Taeil was experienced. He was flirting with you like no tomorrow and it clouded your judgement. A heated, muddled feeling encroached you. You had never been so intimate with a man, especially with someone as good-looking as Taeil. It was so innocent too until Taeil asked, “You look so good in his shirt, mind if I take it off?”

Immediately, his hands slid up your shirt, eliciting a squeak from your parted lips. They roamed over your stomach and back, having you shiver in delight. As his hands trailed nearer to your chest, you came back to reality. What the hell was happening? All you wanted was for someone to hold you, not this. Pushing him away, you tried hiding yourself and making yourself as small as possible. How does one disappear from such a precarious situation?

“What the hell?! I thought we were just supposed to do cuddly things!”

Bewilderment spread across Taeil’s face as he instantly retracted his hands to his side. “You called for a callboy.”

Rolling your eyes, “As a matter of fact, yes. I did call for a callboy! I know what I’m doing. Isn’t a callboy supposed to do boyfriend things with you?”

Annoyance became more evident in his voice, “Clearly not. A callboy is supposed to fulfill your sexual desires.”

Oh.

Sitting on the couch with a cup of tea in both of your hands made the situation all the more uncomfortable. Consequently, it’s hard to talk to someone as you just rejected their sexual advances.

“What do you like to watch?” You questioned, grabbing the remote and flipping through some channels. An icebreaker might destroy all the tension once previously held.

Taeil wasn’t expecting a sudden question and his head snapped up in a second. “W-Well, I like watching action films.”

For someone who was so confident just a few moments ago, he was a stuttering mess now. The duality of this man was absurd.

Clicking on Black Panther, your body soon sank into the velvety couch. This was a strange Friday night but you couldn’t say you hated it. Taeil has given you more action than all your years previously.

“So… Why did you call a callboy? I mean, if you’re not using me for sex or whatever.” Taeil inquired, avoiding your gaze. He seemed to be so focused on your boring, wooden flooring.

“Well,” you start, stretching out your limbs, “it’s a long story.”

Pausing for a reaction, he sat there with a curious look on his face. Moving closer to you and tilting his head back, he replied, “I got all night, baby.”

Damn, he really was experienced.

A blush dusted your face and continuing, “My friends always mock me about not having a boyfriend. It drives me insane and I tried going on a date with this guy but it just didn’t work out. They were talking about callboys and I guess they lied to me about the truth… I seriously just thought it was a service to cuddle and hold hands with someone. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m lonely.”

Taeil chuckled and tapped your arm. Puzzled, you lend him your attention and in response, he opens his arms to you. Tentatively, you climb over and settle yourself in his snug hold. He lets out a deep breath and plays with your hair, curling a strand once he reaches the end.

“Although I am a callboy, I’ll be your rent-a-boyfriend just for tonight.” He winks, stealing a quick kiss on your forehead.

Your heart was beating out of your chest from this unfamiliar interaction. It felt so hot in his arms, almost sinful. The devil would scoff at this proclamation of ‘lechery,’ and you soon start to believe you wouldn’t mind if it got a little bit more risqué. Now, that was something the devil could compliment.

Brushing up against your reddened ear, he whispered, “I can feel your heartbeat going a thousand miles per hour.”

You almost pushed him off the couch for such a statement.

Once calmed down and being cuddled again, Taeil opened up the conversation surprisingly.

“This is nice.”

Humming in response, you push yourself lightly into his chest. Fingers graze near his abdomen, barely applying any pressure.

“I agree. Do… You do stuff like this offen?”

Taeil shakes his head, ruffling your hair. “No. Usually it comes with the pillow-talk after post-sex but I’ve never had a client who just wanted to cuddle.”

You smack his chest instead of replying, earning a laugh a bit too sweet for your liking. Someone as gentle and affectionate doesn’t seem like one to take a job as a callboy. Of course, this probably makes him better at his job than others but it doesn’t suit him. Honestly, it’s rude that you’re judging his profession. For all you know, Taeil could be a real demon under the sheets but chooses to show you the sweet, sickly, intoxicating side of him.

“Can I ask you something that might be inappropriate?”

“I work as a callboy. There isn’t anything more inappropriate than that.”

“That’s exactly my question. Why? Why do you work as a callboy?” You escape his grasp and he whines, turning to face you better. He ponders the question, seeming to be tying up loose ends before he sends his answer into the world.

Nibbling on his bottom lip and smacking his lips, “I don’t know honestly. I was a good fuck in college so why not make a job out of it?”

Furrowing your eyebrows, “How come you haven’t left your job yet?”

Dumbfound, he shrugged his shoulders. A gleam of pain reflected against his eyes as he stared up to the ceiling. He didn’t make any further comment on that topic. Questions were burning inside you due to such an interesting man. Perhaps he was one of those sugar babies who fell in love with the luxurious lifestyle and couldn’t dare to leave.

He spoke up after a horrible attempt at hiding his discomfort, “I guess when you’ve done something for so long, there isn’t a different way to do it.”

Biting your tongue from saying something foolish once again, you set yourself between the arms of Taeil again. If you could make him forget whatever tragedies he has to face in his life just for tonight, you’ll do it. Both of you needed this time to just be held and told that the other was appreciated.

Around eight in the morning, he left. The two of you fell asleep on the couch and thankfully all your roomates crashed at someone’s house. As you were about to open up your paypal to transfer money to his account, he stopped you.

“No need for paying tonight. I enjoyed it.” He flashes you a bright smile and shoving his hands in his pocket.

“Yeah, me too.” You mutter, placing a loose strand of hair behind your ear. A rule for all workspaces, sexual or not, is to not become involved with a client. It was irritating how you couldn’t be friends with Taeil. You sincerely thought he was a wonderful person. All you could hope for now is for him to find someone that night who’ll treat him with love and respect.

He ruffles your hair fondly like he did previously. Seeing your miserable expression tore him apart and he pulled you into a hug. If he could, he would transfer all his adornment to you, just because of the night before. Never in all his years as working as a callboy had someone treat him with such regard. Leaning down to your ear, he whispered a ten digit code.

Before you could respond, he stole a kiss from your cheek and removed himself from your dorm. Slamming open the door, you yell, “Taeil!”

Loud, boisterous laughs fill the air and you sigh happily.

He was pulling all your heartstrings in the right ways.

That night with Taeil helped you realize a lot about your relationships with others. Most importantly, your friends were real jackasses. Secondly, whining over boys isn’t going to attract them to you. When you applied for the job at a local diner, you could say this was an attempt to eradicate both of your biggest problems. With unsystematic shifts, you barely had time to see your friends or cry over the lack of a relationship.

Taeil had steadily risen on your list of importance, consuming a majority of your time as well. If you weren’t working or studying, you were found texting him or going out with him. It was a different pace from your old routine and there was no need for wanting the old one back. Contentment filled you, especially with a weekly paycheck.

One night while cleaning tables from sticky soda spills, the familiar flop of tousled, brown hair caught your eye. Taeil was perched at a booth, tapping his fingers against the fake marble. Casually hustling over with a notepad and pen, you whispered in an excited voice, “Hi.”

His mouth formed a wide grin but as soon as the bell rang, notifying everyone that someone new had arrived, it disappeared. With every small noise, he seemed to jump and be on alert.

“I would love to talk to you dear, but I’m on a job right now.” The corners of his lips soon turned into a frown, seeing your crestfallen look. “After your shift and this job, I’ll visit you, okay?”

“It’s a deal. I’ll be expecting you.” Leaving with a wink, you go back to scrubbing dried soda. Washing tables wasn’t the worst job but it definitely wasn’t your preferred task. If you were taking orders and running the cashier, this night would be perfect.

Apparently the gods took pity on you as your manager yelled for you to switch jobs with Jaemin, a new trainee similar to you. Despite the numerous reminders that you’re in college, he tries to get you to accept his phone number. As you take off your gloves, he attempts to give you a kiss on the cheek which has you yelling from the breakroom.

The fun stopped as the bell rang and the tapping of the manager’s hurried steps has him cut his fun short. Putting on a different apron, you examine what tables haven’t been served yet. Seeing as it was only Taeil’s table, you approach him and the new body at his table.

The new, mysterious man has Taeil’s hand in his and he coos softly, “Yes baby. Anything for you.”

Trying to hide your distaste, you muster the fakest smile. “Hi. May I start both of you off with something to drink?”

The man instantly replies, “A water.”

Taeil hums, flipping over the menu and seemingly less interested in the hand that appears to be gripping onto his too tightly.

“I would like a sprite.” Taeil answers and a groan spouts in the air.

“Really? You’re going to get a sprite? You’ve been looking so bloated recently! No, he’s going to have a water.” The man rolls his eyes, grumbling about how Taeil’s demeanor makes him look like a fatass.

Taeil stares down at his lap, biting his tongue from saying something he’ll regret. You leave in a moment, dispensing a sprite and water from the machine. What the hell was up with that douchebag? Clicking your tongue in annoyance, you walk back over to the table, only dropping a straw for Taeil.

A few minutes later, you took their orders and nearly punched the man when you saw Taeil’s straw in his drink. You made sure to drop off another straw. Pathetic attempts to get back at this asshole won’t work, unfortunately.

The entire night, you observed the two. Subconsciously, you would squeeze your pen every time the man raised his voice at Taeil, screaming profanities about something or the other. Your heart begged you to go up to the manager and ask her to throw both of them out. However, what would happen to Taeil if the two got kicked out? You wouldn’t want to find out the hard way.

It was indeed a grim situation with losing being the only result.

Soon the two left and before Taeil left, you flashed him a wave.

He didn’t wave back.

Tonight would be fun with the amount of interrogation you would pit against Taeil.

“So what the hell was that at the diner?” You fumed, stirring the pot of tomato soup harshly, the contents hitting the sides, almost dripping into the burner. Taeil shrugged his shoulders, buttering the pan graciously. You huffed and turned off the left stovetop, grabbed a bar stool, and scowled at him.

“I don’t know. What do you mean?” He responds, flipping a slice of bread and your eyes drift to the very noticeable purple mark on the inside of his wrist.

“You looked so uncomfortable with that guy!” You whined, eyes narrowing at the boy in front of you. “Are you hiding secrets from me?”

Whipping around, “No! Never!”

“Then what’s the deal with that dude? And more importantly, your wrist!”

The room was stiff and if you could see Taeil’s face, he would most definitely be rolling his eyes. Although you had known Taeil for a short time, his expressions were never hidden. Was he red in the face or was his throat beginning to dry and his eyes begin to water? To enclose Taeil in a cosy embrace was all you wished for.

“Nothing. Now, eat up.”

Sitting in the midnight gleam and quietly munching on grilled sandwiches was definitely a new take on life. As much as your brain told you to stay away from Taeil, you kept giving into him. Taeil was a dangerous man, especially with the way he flirted with you so casually. It was like he wanted you to fall in love with him.

And as much as you try to deny it, you fell hard. His eyes and lips were hypnotizing with how they flicker and create sweet concoctions just for you and hopefully with meaning for only you. He appears so stunning even after a harsh day at work, making you fantasize over what could never be yours. In other words, you were whipped for Icarus.

In addition to being desperately in love with him, you had found yourself being torn apart as he stumbled into your apartment with too many bruises and cuts at an ungodly hour.

Although Taeil wasn’t the biggest man, he was leaning a lot of dead weight on to you due to being incredibly tired, physically and emotionally. With one heavy grunt and a meaningful shove, you forced him to sit on the brown loveseat. He smeared away the blood forming on his upper lip, giving you a melancholic twinkle. As you start to assess his wounds, he voices his thoughts.

“Sorry.”

Your quiet voice speaks up, so different from what you’re used to with Taeil, “For what?”

“Hiding things.”

You catch a glimpse at him rubbing at his watery eyes and try to ignore his insistent tapping on the fake wooden boards. Clear as day, Taeil had most likely never confided to someone about the abuse he suffers within his industry. Before you came along, had he just went home mishandled and barely alive? Did he tend his injuries before going to his next client?

Or would it not matter because each person was the same as the last?

“It’s okay.” Truthfully, you wanted to reject his apology. If you two were friends, he shouldn’t have to keep secrets from you. A deep thought irks you to the bone. What would happen if your positions were switched? How would you even mention to your dearest friend, ‘Oh yeah, by the way the men and women I sleep with exploit me every night.’

A choked cry bursts from Taeil’s esophagus, immediate your eyes were on him. “It’s not okay. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He slides from the loveseat and into your arms, knocking the bandages out of your hand and fills them with his body instead. His entire body shakes, chest heaving up and down abruptly as he attempts to calm himself down, only to make himself weep more.

With a puffy face and eyes red as rubies, he whisper-yells, “And you know what’s the worst part? I’m in love with you and I’m terrified you think that I’m revolting. Every time I’m with a client, all I can think about is you. You’re the one who gets me through the night but you’re also the one who makes me run away to terrible people in fear of not being loved back!”

Hugging him back, squeezing tightly, and sighing, “Taeil,” water pools at your eyes and you stuff your head into his shoulder, damping his jacket within one small patch. “I could never think of you as revolting. I’ve been so obsessed with you but you hadn’t even noticed.”

The whimpering dies down and Taeil pulls away, grabbing your hand in the process. “Really?”

A giggle erupts and you rub the wet streaks across Taeil’s face, hand still in his. “Yes, really.”

-----------------------

Taeil was like ice cream and you were like a warm, summer day. He seemed mischievous and cold on the outside, frightening those who had never come in contact with him before. Inside, he was sweet and irresistible. His touch was addicting, begging you for more and more. You were the summer that engulfed Taeil, melting away his fronts and revealing who he truly was. Summer, a short synonym for home. A time to relax and focus on yourself and your ambitions, something familiar and safe. You were Taeil’s summer, his home.

Lying there on the too small twin bed in the sticky heat in the middle of the night with Taeil made you realize there was nowhere you rather be than here next to his glistening body, watching him breathe softly after another day of work.

“Love,” you break the silence and Taeil shifts over, purring in response, “can we have pillow talk?”

Instantly, Taeil was up and had you against his chest, playing with the loose strands of hair from you moving around in bed so much. “What is it?”

“When will you leave your job?”

“Ah, my dear (y/n), if only I knew.” He blows into your ear, making you scrunch up your face in shock. He wasn’t getting out of this one, however.

“Taeil, you have a degree in Sports Medicine. I’m sure that someone out there is getting their ACL torn and needs you to help them probably take care of it.” You argue, tapping your fingers against his chest.

“I’m scared.”

He begins to melt, gripping onto you significantly firmer than before.

“I know but think about our future. It’s hard seeing you with others, especially when you tell me I’m all yours. What happens in the future if we have kids and they ask where their father is?” You confess, an astounding amount of thought put into each sentence. You would be lying if you said you hadn’t been so worried about him.

He stays silent for a moment before grabbing his phone on the table beside him. Curiously, you stretch your neck to see what he’s doing--or who he is dialing rather.

“It’s me,” he breathes into the phone, “I’m done. I quit. If you have any problems with it, you can contact my partner who is a lawyer.” His voice was dripping with threat before hanging up and cuddling into you.

“You’re right.”

You scoff playful, flicking his forehead. “I’m a lawyer. I’m always right.”

“Yes, yes, yes.” He laughs, pecking you on the lips with a stolen kiss. “Good pillow talk?”

“Very good pillow talk.”

#NCT #nct scenarios #nct imagine #nct headcanon #nct 127 #nct moon taeil #moon taeil #nct taeil #nct 2019 #writing #kpop scenarios #kpop imagine #kpop headcanons #taeil

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nomorelonelydays · 6 years

Text

saving nickels, saving dimes, 6.4K

Sidney’s been waking up with the sun for the past few days now.

His phone, clutched in his hand, flashes two texts from Geno, and one from Thomas.

I had a great time yesterday, Thomas’ text says. I’d love to take you out again. There’s a burger place downtown and I think you’d love it.

Sidney doesn’t say he’s pretty much been to every restaurant Cole Harbour has to offer. It’s not the biggest town. And perhaps Sidney should feel a little wary about dating in his hometown, but no one’s spared him and Thomas a second look.

He doesn’t look at Geno’s texts. It’s probably another photo of him on the beach with that girl, and he doesn’t really want to know more than he has to.

Maybe he’s a little selfish. Maybe he’s being irrationally ridiculous. Geno just wants to share his happiness, and as a good friend, Sidney should respond.

It should be okay to be selfish for once. Flower’s always said he’s spent too long caring after his team and not enough after himself.

That sounds great, he sends back to Thomas instead. What time?

“Thomas?” Taylor says, her mouth full of corn flakes stolen from Sidney’s cabinets. “You’re dating a guy named Thomas? Like the train?”

“What? No. Like the person. It’s a normal name.”

Taylor leans in. “Is he Russian?” she says lowly, like they’re sharing a secret.

“No, Thomas isn’t a Russian name. Or. I don’t think so? What does that have to do with anything?

She sits back, puzzled. “What happened to the last guy?” she asks instead. “What was his name?”

“Richard. And we only went out for drinks once. Turns he was just into hockey and not. You know.”

“Into you,” Taylor clarifies.

“Sure,” Sidney says. “I wish you’d stop eating my cereal, you literally run through the whole box in two days.”

“Use your NHL money to buy more,” Taylor says. “But seriously? Richard? Maybe the next guy you’ll date will be named Harry, and then you’ll have dated every Tom, Dick, and Harry in this town.”

“You’re not funny.” Sidney sits down, snatching the box back.

“Okay, Heartbreaker,” Taylor says. “My roommate has a brother named Harry. Harry Portman. You want me to get his number?”

“Please don’t,” Sidney says. “I don’t want you to wingman me.”

“I just don’t want you to turn into a hermit.”

“I go outside,” Sidney argues. “I went fishing yesterday.”

“You fish every day,” Taylor throws back. “And I saw you. You were just sitting on the docks watching the sunset.”

“People do that!”

“Yeah, our great-aunt, maybe. But she’s like, 90,” Taylor pauses, turning her attention on Sidney’s flashing phone. “Who’s that?”

Sidney barely glances down. “Geno.”

“He’s been texting you a lot.”

“Yeah, every day,” Sidney replies absently.

She raises an eyebrow. “I think he misses you,” she says carefully.

“He doesn’t. They’re all just photos of him with some girl that he met a month ago. They went to Florida for vacation, and I think he said they’re going to go to Russia in the next couple of days.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Sidney snaps. At Taylor’s stricken expression, he looks away. “Sorry. I just—I mean, it doesn’t really matter what he does. It doesn’t affect me.”

Taylor’s quiet for a while.

“Hey, Sid, I won’t eat your cereal anymore,” she says gently, like a peace offering.

“No, no, it’s okay, I can buy more, I was just messing with you,” Sidney says quickly. “I like it when you come over.”

She knows exactly how Sidney feels towards Geno, despite Sidney never saying it aloud. It’d sound dumb, anyways. ‘I love a man who can’t love me back, and every day I hope that a miracle will happen and I’ll finally be happy,’ sounds like the plot of those 21st century romantic dramas that keep coming out every summer. Taylor and Sidney both avoid them like the plague.

He doesn’t know whether to be annoyed at himself for being so transparent, irritated at Taylor for being observant, or thankful that there’s someone close to him who understands just how lonely he is without him having to admit it.

“I know,” she says, and dumps the rest of the box into her bowl, corn flake dust and all. “I got you, Squid.”

It’s definitely the last one, Sidney decides.

“How’d you meet Thomas, anyways?”

“Well. It was at the grocery store. I was buying that cereal, actually,” Sidney starts, and Taylor chokes out a laugh.

“Where you go, Sid?” Geno asks, after barely pulling back from their hug.

They’re the last ones in the locker room, the rest of the team having already dispersed with their families after the loss. Sidney’s too exhausted to process the game, too numb for the reality of losing their grasp at the Cup yet again to beat himself up over it properly. Geno’s hand, big and reassuring, is still on his bicep, like he’s keeping him grounded.

“I’m going home,” Sidney says, confused.

“No, mean for summer.”

“Oh.” Sidney hasn’t thought about that yet. “I might go back to Cole Harbour.”

“Again?” Geno teases. “Home not vacation.”

“I think I need some time by myself. It’s been a rough year,” Sidney admits, but when he sees Geno’s gaze soften, turn sympathetic, he quickly changes the topic. He can’t deal with this, not right now. “You going back to Russia?”

“Maybe after,” Geno says. “Florida nice right now. Always nice.”

“You don’t change it up either,” Sidney huffs.

“You should join,” Geno says. “Go to beach, have fun, I’m take you out. Maybe you even meet special person, she spend summer together so you not stay in Cole Harbour alone again—”

Sidney pulls away abruptly. He doesn’t exactly avoid Geno’s eyes when he answers him, trying for a smile and praying Geno doesn’t notice.

“I’ll text you,” Sidney says, patting Geno’s arm. “Enjoy your summer, G.”

“Sid, wait—”

“You have the greatest laugh,” Thomas tells him one day, after Sidney had demolished his burger and is steadily working his way through the Oreo shake. “I don’t think I’ve heard anyone laugh like that.”

“It’s because I have an ugly laugh,” Sidney says wryly. “I sound like a goose.”

“Geese are cute. From far away,” Thomas says. “It’s cute.”

He likes the way Thomas talks, measured and never too loud. Listening to him talk about his day at work at the university as a professor reminds Sidney a little of sitting on the docks and watching the sun set, slowly but surely. He likes the way he moves his hands when he talks, likes how tall he is so that Sidney has to look up to kiss him.

(Sometimes Geno speaks too quickly, when he wants to get a thought across, and he’s never afraid to shout across the table at their team outing in some bar to playfully heckle a rookie.)

Thomas’ voice, Sidney thinks, that he’d like to come home to. Anyone would like to come home to something like that.

But it doesn’t make his heart race, not the way Geno’s excited yelps of ‘Sid’ does when he scores a goal. Or the way he looks at Sidney during their last Cup party, years ago, bright and adoring like he almost can’t contain it as he drags Sidney down into the pool with him.

Sidney wonders if there’s maybe something the matter with himself.

Thomas kisses him goodnight at the door, a peck on the cheek that leaves Sidney’s skin burning.

“Wait,” Sidney says, pulling him back by his wrist. “Don’t you want to come in?”

“Do you want me to?”

Sidney doesn’t date—it’s not like that there’s lots of opportunities in Pittsburgh (or Nova Scotia, for that matter), where almost everyone knows his face, and he can barely remember the last time he’s really been kissed—a real, heart-fluttering, all-consuming kiss that makes Sidney’s knees weak.

He’d always assumed love would make him heartsick like it does with Geno, like when Geno sits just a little too close at breakfast time in the nook, or when he holds Sidney just a smidge tighter than he does with Tanger during their celly, and he slips into yet another daydream. Dreams about a Geno who could care for him just as deeply and desperately as Sidney does, who doesn’t mind sharing Sidney’s quiet and secluded corner of the world—the docks, the lake, the summer house in Cole Harbour—that’s basically as much a physical extension of Sidney’s heart as can be.

(He’s always come to the conclusion that Geno would hate it. It’s too quiet. Too dull. The waves on the lake are still and not like the waves Geno raves about in Miami. There’s nothing Sidney can give to Geno that he doesn’t already have except for himself, but Geno doesn’t want that. It breaks Sidney’s heart more than he had expected it to.)

“I don’t know,” Sidney says honestly. He feels awful.

Thomas cups Sidney’s cheek, smiling. “It’s okay,” he says. “Maybe next time, yeah?”

He feels pathetic. “I don’t want you to go.”

It’s the truth. He doesn’t want to be alone.

“Want to watch a movie?” Thomas suggests.

An hour later, when Thomas lays Sidney back on the couch, pulling off his own shirt, Sidney’s phone flashes bright with a notification where he left it on the counter.

It’s Geno, Sidney thinks. It’s always Geno.

“Have you done this before?” Thomas asks, trailing kisses down Sidney’s inner thigh.

“I—” He resists the urge to shut his legs, push himself back, and hide away. He’s only kissed a boy once, a drunken, two second peck in juniors that to this day, neither he nor the guy has brought the incident up again. And in a foolish, hopeful section of his heart, Sidney’s always imagined Geno to be the one between his legs, nibbling on his neck and belly and thighs all while murmuring sweet phrases to him languages Sidney can’t understand, loving him, right here in his Cole Harbour living room. “What does it matter?”

Thomas studies him, his expression unreadable.

“It doesn’t,” he says finally. “I just wanted to know what you liked.”

“I’d like it if you took your pants off,” Sidney says, feeling bold.

Thomas’ eyes turn dark, and Sidney know he must’ve said the right thing.

It’s only when Thomas goes to the bathroom to grab a towel and Sidney laying there, boneless and wrung out, that he realizes that he’s missed a sunset for the first time since coming back from Pittsburgh.

Geno always wants to call.

Always wants to share about his time at the zoo petting the penguin chicks, or dancing the night away in a club in France, or brunch in Switzerland with the massive group of Russians who all seem to know each other on a nickname basis.

“What you do so far?” Geno asks, his voice through the phone sounding tinny and just as far away as he actually is.

“Not much. Went fishing, trained, had dinner with Nate. Taylor’s coming over in a bit, and I’m prepping the beef stew our mom makes that she likes,” Sidney says, leaning the phone against his shoulder so he can fiddle with the tomato he’s trying to slice. “Tell me more about your trip. You went swimming with a shark?”

“Whale shark,” Geno says, then quickly changes the topic. “But want to hear about your day. You having fun at home?”

“So much,” Sidney says dryly. “It’s not swimming with sharks fun, but…”

Geno makes a noncommittal noise, like he’s brushing the matter off like it’s not as impressive as it sounds. “Maybe meet a nice Canadian girl finally?”

Geno’s tone is teasing, but it strikes something in Sidney that he can’t name. Something between bitter envy and disappointment in himself for crushing on someone who’d never love him and maybe even annoyance at Geno’s insistence to fix his loneliness by pushing onto him this faceless woman who is supposed to magically undo years of pining and heartache by her mere presence.

So he hears himself say, “No, no girls. I met a nice boy, though.”

Geno is quiet on the other end of the line, so Sidney pushes on, half-rambling. “We went to get burgers and a shake. It was really good, he was funny. Really sweet. He drove me back to my house and everything. He texted me if I wanted a third date and I think I might go.”

For ten terrible seconds, Geno says nothing.

“Geno?” Sidney whispers. “Geno, are you still there?”

“Yes,” Geno says, like the air has been punched out of him, but recovers so quickly that Sidney thinks he might’ve hallucinated it. “So glad you happy, find someone nice so not spend summer alone again.”

“Yeah,” Sidney says. Geno’s nothing but supportive, but somehow, in some warped level of Sidney’s understanding, it’s still, quite simply, a reminder of how Geno can’t love him the way Sidney wants him to. Doesn’t think about waking up next to Sidney and placing kiss after kiss on sleep-softened cheeks to wake him up like Sidney had often dreamed himself. Can’t be happy with Sidney the same way Sidney is when he’s around Geno, and isn’t that such a shame? “I guess so.”

“Tell me about him,” Geno demands suddenly. “What he look like? He play hockey? He nice to you?”

“Maybe next time,” Sidney lies, turning to his empty Le Creuset, sitting on the stove. “Look, I have to go, my stew’s going to boil over.”

There’ll never be a next time, not if he can help it.

Taylor’s lounging on the armchair, crunching on a bowl of chips, when she gestures at the TV, as Meg Ryan meets Tom Hanks for the first time on top of the Empire State Building.

“I think growing up with movies like this ruined me,” she says, as the instrumentals swell and Meg takes Tom’s hand. “You think when you’re an adult that falling in love with someone is going to be like this, but it’s just a bunch of people asking if you’ve hooked up with the guy and then telling you who they know who also hooked up with him, like it’s a competition. It’s kind of depressing.”

Sidney’s half-paying attention to the screen as he taps through his Snapchat feed. “Huh?”

“I’m just saying that sending someone a thirst DM is different from wooing them with roses and handwritten letters.”

Sidney frowns. “Who sent you a thirst DM?”

“No one,” Taylor says. “Hey, you know what it means? I’m impressed.”

“I’m 30, not dead.” He folds his arms, staring. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” She waves her hand. “Does Thomas send you thirst DMs?”

“I’m not talking about that with you.”

“He does. See? Romance is dead. Also yeah, you’re right, I don’t want to know.” She stretches luxuriously in her seat, getting comfortable. “Geno texting you?”

“I have other friends, you know,” Sidney says.

“Yeah, me.”

“You’re not my friend,” he throws back.

“You’re right,” Taylor snickers. “You’re my mom.”

Sidney stops tapping as the screen switches to Geno’s story—the first one is of him standing next to a ridiculously long baguette, pointing at it for some reason. The next is him surrounded by roses at a flower shop, pink, red, and yellows blending into a sea of petals. Pretty! the captions says.

But Sidney’s already seen that one—Geno had sent that particular photo to him personally.

He wishes Geno would stop. He doesn’t know what else to say besides a thumbs up emoji or a ‘Nice! Looks like fun’ that sounds hollow even to himself.

So he just doesn’t respond at all anymore.

A package from France is waiting for him when Sidney gets back from his run.

Really good! Take you there next time, the scribbled note, sitting on top of the shreds of packaging and the wine, reads. Chocolates, too. Only milk chocolate, know you not like dark.

Sidney puts both in the back of his cabinet, still empty save for a couple of chicken noodle soup cans and extra, unopened cereal boxes.

If he collects more things, he wonders, will Cole Harbour feel more like a home?

Thomas is snoring next to him, one arm draped over Sidney’s stomach, when the phone buzzes next to Sidney’s cheek.

“‘ello?” he mutters.

“Hi, Sid,” Geno says. It sounds like there’s commotion wherever he is, a woman speaking and laughing floating in intermittently. “I wake you up?”

“Geno, it’s…” He stares blearily at the digital numbers glowing by the bed. “…2:14 in the morning.”

“Fuck, I get time wrong, I’m think it’s only 11—”

“What is it, G?” he cuts in, then rubs his eyes. “Sorry.”

“Is nothing, just want to hear your voice,” Geno says apologetically. “Is weird, not have to see you at 6 AM at rink every day.”

“What, you miss me or something?” Sidney says, laughing softly.

“Yes,” Geno says easily, taking Sidney’s breath away like he’s commenting on the weather. “Miss you. Every day.”

That was one of the first things Sidney fell in love with, the uncomplicated way Geno dealt with the world. If Geno sees crème brulee on the menu, he orders it. If he sees a pretty girl he likes, he asks if she’d like to dance. If he knows Sidney is having a bad day, he drives over with donuts from Sidney’s favorite guilty pleasure bakery and talks about his family until Sidney forgets why he was frustrated in the first place. If he loves someone, he loves them with his whole heart that it’s almost palpable. It makes Sidney fantasize of such impossible things that he often tricks himself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, if he waits long enough, today will be different.

“You seem to be having a great time without me.”

“Yes, is fun,” he replies. “But think would be more fun with you. See cheesecake yesterday, think, Sidney would love, is his favorite, so I take picture. Is why I send photos, but you stop respond.”

He can’t tell Geno that he’d thought the photos were Geno’s way of chirping Sidney for being a summer shut-in. Can’t tell him that he knows those photos must be documenting Geno’s dates, and who’s on the other side of the camera, out of frame, and how dreadfully empty it makes him feel, without sounding like a jealous, self-centered creep.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I didn’t know.”

“Is okay, just call to make sure you not die alone in little Canadian cabin,” he says, and Sidney could hear that crooked smile in that tone.

“It’s not a cabin, it’s a real house—”

“Sid?” Thomas murmurs, squinting awake. Sidney nearly jolts off the mattress. “Wha’s happening? Is morning?”

“No, it’s still early, I’m sorry,” he whispers, his hand over the speaker. “I should’ve taken this outside—”

“Who’s that?” Geno asks. His voice sounds brittle, but it might just be the connection. “Is that—”

“Hey, listen, I’ll call you back,” Sidney say quickly, turning to his side. “And happy early birthday. It’s coming soon, isn’t it? A week? No, two.”

“Yeah, you remember,” Geno says faintly.

“Of course I remember, it’s important. Circled it on my calendar and everything,” Sidney says.

That gets Geno to laugh. “You not just save on phone? Like old man, Sid.”

“I like writing things down, helps me remember.” Sidney pulls the covers up, settling back down. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Geno says. “Good night, Sid.”

There’s a photo of a cheesecake in their chat the next day, dotted with chocolate chips and piped to perfection with vanilla bean crème.

Wish I was there, Sidney types back.

Bring some back for you, Geno writes immediately, even though it must be in the middle of the night for him.

Three days later, a non-descript box is sitting innocuously on his front step. An irrational side of him hopes it’s the cheesecake.

It’s not, though.

See store in Switzerland sell good luck stuff animal. Pens colors! the postcard reads, each letter rounded with Geno’s blocky handwriting. Magic bear win us every game next season.

The teddy bear’s eyes flash at Sidney, its fur clean and brushed with a gold and black bow tied handsomely around its neck. Sidney closes his eyes briefly and allows himself to pretend for a moment that it there might be something really magic about the bear, just like Geno had said.

He sends a photo of the bear, propped up against the window with the sunset and the lake as a backdrop.

He loves his new home, he writes. What should I name him?

Zhenya, Geno’s text says.

What does that mean?

)))) tell you when I see u

Thomas throws in the towel two days after Zhenya the bear arrives, so maybe it’s not such a magic bear after all.

“I’m sorry, Squid,” Taylor says, when Sidney breaks the news to her. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t think Thomas was Prince Charming or anything. And I didn’t want to tell you this before, but Mom also didn’t think too much of him after he only ate like one slice of her peach cobbler.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad,” Sidney says, then reconsiders. “I am a little pissed. He could’ve told me he was planning on moving to New York from the start.”

Cole Harbour had never been long-term for Thomas, career-wise, which made sense now that Sidney really sits down to think about it. And yeah, Sidney’s the same way—by the end of the summer, he has to go back to Pittsburgh, but maybe a small part of him was working up the courage to ask Thomas to move with him, because that was just what people he knew did. He’s heard of rookies, freshly drafted, having their girlfriends of three weeks moving in with them, and he’s always felt a kind of inadequacy about himself.

It’s passed his mind one too many times that he’s not worth loving. He’s too strange, too awkward, too one-track minded on a career that can’t last his whole life, not enough. Sometimes he loathes sitting at team dinners and listening to his teammates talk about their girlfriends or wives or wives-to-be and babies. What used to be ‘that’ll be me someday’ has long ago morphed into ‘it’s never going to happen, you have to learn how to be happy with yourself’ along with his excuses of early morning training to get out of meeting Geno’s new girl, or being dragged to a rookie outing with their girlfriends.

He had just gotten used to coming home and seeing Thomas’ coat draped on the couch, his books scattered on the kitchen counter. He’d entertained the thought of having someone to bring to family skate and of coming home into someone’s arms after a crushing loss, and of finally forgetting his stupid hope that Geno could see him the way he wanted to be seen, that he’d just gone ahead by himself and planned everything out with the assumption that he could learn to fall in love later.

Maybe after so many years, he only wanted someone—anyone, really—on his arm to show Geno so Geno can stop looking at him with barely-concealed sympathy.

(Poor Sidney, is what Geno must think. Poor, poor, lonely Sidney. Unloved, unwanted. What a shame it is, to be the best player in his generation but still be no one at the same time.

“I’m happy by myself,” he’d said once, and he’d been in a good mood then, and it’d almost felt true.

But when Geno had given him that expression, like he knows Sidney’s lying, it’d made him furious and devastated all at once. He’d been sick of pining silently and he’d though that was bad enough, but being pitied by that very same person is so, so much worse.

He can’t imagine what Geno would say to him if he knew how long and how much Sidney has loved him.)

So no matter how he cuts it, it’s his own fault through and through.

He didn’t cry when Thomas told him he was leaving. But everything about the living room looks like it’s missing half of someone, and the emptiness of his own house that he’d never noticed before seems more visceral than anything else at this very moment. And losing Thomas somehow makes it feel like he’s failed somehow. Failed to make another person happy. Failed to make himself happy.

“Whirlpool romance,” Taylor says. “No. It’s whirlwind. My bad.”

“More like a hot tub on low batteries romance,” Sidney says. “I don’t think it would’ve gone anywhere even if he stayed.”

“Do hot tubs run on batteries?” Taylor asks.

“Hot tubs for ants.” He sighs. “Hey, if I’m alone for the rest of my life, you’ll still visit, right?”

“Of course,” Taylor says. “You can live in my basement. I won’t even make you pay rent.” She hums as she sneaks a glance at Sidney, studying him. “You don’t have to tell me this, but. Did you love Thomas?”

“I don’t know,” Sidney says. He doesn’t know a lot of things lately.

When Geno calls him that night, Sidney doesn’t pick up.

He doesn’t pick up the next morning, the next night, or the night after that.

There’s about fifteen unread texts and five missed calls on his phone by the time Sidney falls asleep to Meg Ryan on TV sniffling, “I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.”

Geno’s birthday comes and goes, but Sidney doesn’t realize it until the morning after, when he could barely drag himself out of bed for his run.

He misses the sunrise, and another sunset, for that matter.

“You usually go to Vail around this time, don’t you?” Flower say, his voice coming out that much louder and grainier on speaker. “Have you been in Cole Harbour the entire time?”

“I don’t need this from you,” Sidney groans. “You said this was an emergency call.”

“This is an emergency,” Flower says, his voice turning serious. “Sidney, I’m worried about you. Tanger’s worried. Phil texted me to check if you’ve died. The entire team says you’ve been living off the grid. You’re turning into Bear Grylls.”

“Off the—Flower, I’m just at home. I have a working stove and toilet and everything.”

“Is this about the Cup?”

“No, I—it’s not the Cup, no.”

“Sidney.”

“I’m serious!” There’s no other way to get Flower off his back. “I got dumped, okay? Well, I got dumped after I came home. But that’s not why I came here.”

“I’m sorry,” Flower says, not missing a beat, and he truly does sound sincere. “Do you want to talk about it? I didn’t even know you were dating anyone in Pittsburgh.”

“I wasn’t.” He gulps down the lump in his throat. “I met him when I was grocery shopping here. It’s not a big deal.”

Flower is silent, but Sidney can almost hear the gears in his head turning.

“Is he Russian?” is the first thing Flower says.

“Is he—what? No, why does everyone keep asking that?”

“Just wondering. Hey, does Geno know?”

“He knows.” Sidney starts to pick at a loose thread on his t-shirt. “I didn’t tell him the details though, but he tried to ask.”

“You can’t hide from Geno forever, you know.”

“I’m not hiding from anyone,” Sidney says defensively.

“Well, Geno’s texted me about a dozen times asking if I knew what you were up to. I keep telling him that I’m literally equally as far from you physically, but he’s not getting it.” Flower goes on before Sidney can cut in, “All I’m saying is, at least call him so he doesn’t worry himself into a heart attack in Russia.”

“I’ll call later,” Sidney says.

“I’ll find out if you didn’t,” Flower sing-songs, then sobers up. “I really will. I’m the next person in his panic-queue.”

“Alright, alright.”

“Oh, and Sid? One more thing. You know we all love you, right? I don’t care who you date. We’d all like to meet them whenever you’re ready.”

Sidney swallows thickly, biting this lip and willing himself not to break. “Love you too, Flower.”

“I just want you to be happy. Geno does, too.”

“We’re on the same page then,” Sidney laughs, a little throatily.

“Hi, G,” Sidney says, clutching his pillow to his chest. He’s a little too drunk on Geno’s bottle and his entire body feels like he’s fighting to swim against a current of goo when he crawled from the kitchen back into bed. “Happy belated birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t call—I—I should’ve called. I saw the penguins you had on your story. Really cute.”

“Birthday few days ago. Is almost your birthday now,” Geno murmurs warmly, sounding so familiar and wonderful that it churns painfully at Sidney’s insides. He sounds glad to hear Sidney, and if that doesn’t make the guilt bite harder. “Is so late there. You not sleep? Break routine, is end of world.”

“It’s not that late.”

“Should be 2 AM there.” Silence, then, “Everything okay?”

That was all it took, apparently.

“Not really,” Sidney croaks out, his throat catching, then loses it completely.

“Oh, Sid, Sid,” Geno is saying, as Sidney tries to steady his own breathing. “Slow down, I’m—I’m not understand—is okay, you’ll be okay. Shh, Sid, shh. Is okay.”

He can’t, as much as he wants to. He’s making a mess of his sleeve and he’s halfway baffled because he hadn’t cried when Thomas collected his things, hadn’t cried in what seems to be years. But now, he’s gasping like all the air’s been vacuumed out from the room, and bitter, pathetic, unrelenting tears are falling like there’s nothing that can possibly fix him. Like he’s eight again, still afraid of the parents during games shouting ugly, ugly words at him, afraid of the other players coming at him with the intent to shatter, afraid he’ll be fighting alone until he does break in two and can’t tape himself back together like usual.

“‘t’s just me again,” he blubbers out. He doesn’t think the noises he’s making sound human. “I thought I could love him but I was just being selfish. He didn’t want me and you don’t want me and I’m back in this house by myself and I miss you.”

Geno clucks his tongue, like someone had driven a spear through his chest. “Sidney—”

“I miss you so fucking bad, but I’m so stupid because I know you have a girlfriend, and that’s okay. That’s—that’s awesome for you, that’s—I’m glad you’re happy. I want you to be. But you keep sending me photos and saying you wished I were there, and I keep waking up pretending that maybe today, I can make you happy—”

“Sidney, no, is not stupid. You—you make me most happy, I do want you—”

(A part of Sidney wishes that if Geno says his name enough times, it’d be enough to sew his own heart back together, enough to make him whole and good enough for someone to want to stay.)

“No, you don’t. Not like that.” The tears are coming out slower now, the flood now being replaced with something sour and shameful. “That’s why I’ve been staying in Cole Harbour. I want to go home but I’m already home. I don’t know what to do.”

“Sid,” Geno says again, firmly. “You have bear?”

“Bear?” He blinks—the world is a fuzzy blur around him. “Wha?”

“Bear I give you,” Geno insists. “You have?”

“Zhenya?” Sidney looks at the windowsill. Zhenya the Bear had been keeping watch across the lake all this time, facing away from Sidney, like he’s gazing across it all to wherever Geno is. “I have him.”

Geno falters at the name. “Sid, before I not tell you what bear name mean. Want to make surprise, but can’t wait. Sid, you listen?”

He nods, forgetting Geno can’t see him. “Yeah,” he says, his voice coming out reedy.

“Zhenya is special name, save for most important people, people I love.” Geno continues softly, “Save for family, and now save for you. You understand? Is my nickname. I’m give you bear because can’t be there right now with you. Is silly, maybe is embarrassing thing for babies, but I see him in store, and I think is best way to show you. You have my name. You have Geno, you have Zhenya, you have me. Always have me.”

It’s too much. The alcohol and the declaration is blending together into confusion and exhaustion.

“Zhenya,” Sidney tells him, barely able to keep his eyes open any longer. “I’m so tired.”

“Go sleep, Sid,” Geno says. “Is very late. Need wake up at 5 AM and be best hockey player in world.”

“Don’t go,” he sniffs. He’s sure he’s nearly incoherent at this point. “Please don’t go.”

“I’m not hang up,” Geno promises. “Sleep. I’m tell you my day with Mama. Go visit her yesterday, because she want to make this cookie, is like childhood dessert for me and Denis, very old recipe—”

Sidney doesn’t even make it past the second sentence before he’s out like a light.

“Where are you, man?” Nate’s voice crackles through on the receiver. “I’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes. I think this old lady thinks I got stood up. Or I’m loitering. Maybe both.”

“Shit.” Sidney smacks a palm to his forehead. Everything hurts—his head, his eyes, his insides. “I’m so sorry, I overslept. Fuck, I’m getting up now.”

He sits up, and immediately doubles over. He has to take several seconds before the nausea subsides.

Nate makes a concerned noise. “You okay? We can reschedule.”

“Yeah, yeah, that might…” Deep breathes. “Might be the best.”

He fumbles for his phone, then notices the four hour call with Geno on his history, and everything comes back like a slap.

He barely makes it to the bathroom before he starts dry heaving.

“Geno? Hi, I’m—I want to apologize for…for everything. It was unfair of me to put that on y—I should’ve never said anything. Please give me a call back. I’m sorry.”

Ten messages later, and Sidney’s notifications remain silent for the first time in months.

“I messed up, Flower,” Sidney garbles out. “I messed it up.”

Flower’s murmurs do little to soothe, but Sidney holds onto his voice like a lifeline.

The days come and go as usual, and Sidney still wakes up with the sun. Only now it seems that much quieter.

Sidney’s sitting on the docks, his legs dangling over the edge as the music and laughter from his backyard plays on like a half-forgotten soundtrack. Thirty-one and still the same as he was when he was eighteen, lonely and tired and feeling like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, only now he’s admitting that his knees are buckling.

“What did you wish for?” Taylor asks, when he’d blown out the candles a few moments ago.

A miracle, he thinks.

“A Cup, what else?” he fibs, and his friends laugh uproariously as they yell, ‘Don’t say it out loud, you’ll jinx it!’ His father pats him on the back, and Taylor looks so sad and lost for him that he has to turn away, excusing himself from the crowd.

He hears footsteps creaking up behind him, and he sighs. “Taylor, I’ll be back in a bit, I just wanted some air—”

“Sid, you miss own party?” the voice says softly.

Sidney whips around so quickly he nearly topples himself off the ledge. The same face, same eyes, same smile that Sidney has loved for years and years, standing on the docks holding a lopsided chocolate chip cheesecake that looks like it’s seen better days.

“Is that—” He points at Geno’s hands. He can’t breathe. “Did you—”

“Made it with Taylor, couldn’t bring back the one I see in Russia. Not the same but…hope is still taste good.” He sets the cake down, takes one hesitant step forward. “Happy birthday, Sid.”

Sidney scrambles to his feet and flies into Geno’s open arms. He almost trips at the last step on that one creaky floorboard that he keeps telling himself he should fix before he goes back to Pittsburgh, but Geno reaches out, catches him and holds him close like he can’t imagine ever letting Sidney go in the first place.

“Should have come sooner, sorry take so long,” Geno murmurs into Sidney’s curls. “Should have come with you to Cole Harbour from beginning. Want to tell you how I feel at end of season, but then you say you already date someone, and I’m get scared—at first, you know, think need to be happy for you, but maybe not so good at it because I’m send pictures and things anyways to try win you back and hope not too late—then you call, and—”

“But you’re the one dating someone else,” Sidney hiccups out.

Geno places his hand tenderly on Sidney’s cheek, like he’s cupping Sidney’s entire soul. “Always been you. I’m just waiting for you.”

“Geno,” Sidney says. His heart feels like it’s being pulled taut like piano strings, crying out everything he can’t articulate as he hopes that Geno understands. “Zhenya.”

Geno clasps his hand, the other one tipping up Sidney’s chin to place one, two kisses on Sidney’s reddened cheeks. “Don’t cry, Sid.”

He doesn’t care as he misses another sunset, not when Geno’s bending him back to kiss him right, tender and sweet.

“How long are you staying?” Sidney gasps out, because he has to know. “When’s your flight back?”

“Oh, Sid,” Geno laughs, bright and airy, and it’s really such a wonderful thing to hear. “I’m just come home, why I’m go again?”

He closes his eyes as Geno leans in for the third kiss, as his own once-still heart finally, finally lurches that blissful two beats forward that he’s been waiting for.

#blue bayou fic #here it is #sid/omc tw #also....sid is emotional tw i guess #there's no real plot its just like big pining i guess #the pining fic #sidgeno #ALSO it did end up being a little different from the original

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redgillan · 7 years

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Breaking the Rules - part 3

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Modern!AU You hate James Barnes with a burning passion and the feeling is entirely mutual. Just when you think things can’t get any worse, you are tricked into attending his sister’s wedding as his girlfriend. Stuck with a bunch of strangers, you come up with a set of rules that are not going to last long.

Word Count:2,157

Warnings: the usual + Mention of Cheating, Mention of Emotionally Abusive Relationship

A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter, lovelies!

Breaking the Rules - Masterpage

You woke up with a start, unsure where you were. The distant sound of laughter filled the room and you rolled to your side, groaning. The light filtering through the curtains was bright enough to see by, but your eyes were still blurry from sleep.

“It’s barely seven!” Bucky groaned.

His head appeared just above the mattress as he sat up from the floor. He was at eye level with you and yawned widely, not bothering to cover his mouth. You buried your face into the pillow, mumbling something about morning breath.

“So this is what you look like in the morning,” he said, stretching his back. “Interesting.”

You shoved him hard as you kicked the covers off and jumped out of bed. He fell back into his sleeping bag, staring up at the ceiling with his arms crossed behind his head. You made a beeline for the window; his mother and sisters were having breakfast on the patio.

“Oh, shut up!” you snapped, your eyes shooting daggers at him. “You don’t look better. Are those dark circles under your eyes or are you turning into a panda?”

“Hey, I just said you looked interesting.” His self-satisfied smirk made your blood boil.

“Yeah? Well, you look interesting, too.” You used your fingers to make air quotation marks around the word interesting. “If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to take a shower. Now get up and make my bed.”

“What? No-”

“Rules #9, little panda,” you reminded him, closing the door behind you.

When you came downstairs for breakfast, there was an empty seat between Bucky and Lizzie. Mary handed you a glass of orange juice while Winnie introduced you to Rebecca.

“You can call me Becca,” she replied with a warm smile. “How long have you and Bucky been together?”

You looked thoughtful for a moment before you decided that a half truth was better than a half lie. “We’ve been seeing each other for a year.”

“Love at first sight?” she asked.

To Bucky’s surprise and shock, you burst out laughing. He jabbed you in the ribs with his elbow, making you cry out. You recovered quickly and answered Becca’s question.

“Not really,” you sighed, preparing yourself mentally for what you were about to say. “But now, I love him so much, it physically hurts.”

You glanced at Bucky who was chewing with his mouth open, gleefully and on purpose. You drank your orange juice with a loud slurping noise that made him grit his teeth.

While the others talked about their plans for the day, Becca observed you and Bucky. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something strange going on between you and Bucky. Months ago, he had checked that he was coming with a guest, but last night, during dinner, you told them that it was a last minute thing.

She pondered the thought while they all cleared the table and washed the dishes. It pained her to see him like that; sad, distant and angry. He had been so emotionally damaged that he was now reduced to a shell of a man.

Bucky left the kitchen to return to his bedroom and found you already there, stuffing your phone into your purse. He crossed the room and flopped down on the bed, a content sigh leaving his lips.

“Going somewhere?”

“Yes, your sisters are taking me to the mall. I would have mentioned it last night, but you were too busy throwing tantrums. Mary’s excited, though. She wants to move to New York and run a fashion business.”

Bucky chuckled, his eyes closed.

“Anyway, I need your credit card.”

His eyes sprang open.

“According to the rules, you-”

“I have to buy you a dress and a pair of shoes,” he interrupted you. “Yeah, I remember.”

Without knocking, Mary burst into the room, startling you and Bucky. There was a frown on her pretty face as she looked you over.

“What’s taking you so long? Come on! Let’s go, we only have four hours to find the perfect dress!” she nearly shouted, clapping her hands as if that would make you move faster. “I’ll wait for you in the car.”

She rushed downstairs, her feet pounding the ground. Bucky took a step towards you and reluctantly handed you his credit card. Laughing like a villain in a Disney movie, you took your purse and left the room. Bucky face-palmed himself; you were going to be the death of him.

Mary and Lizzie took you to every clothing store they knew, but you were still searching for the perfect dress. Luckily, you found the dress in a boutique you had never heard of before. The dress was red and form fitting; the perfect combination of classy and sexy.

Your eyes widened when you looked at the price tag. That beautiful designer dress was worth more than you made in three months. Teasing Bucky was fun, but you were not going to spend all his money on a dress.

You took a last good look at yourself in the mirror and tried to find flaws in your flawless dress.

“That dress looks amazing on you!”

A woman was standing behind you and you raised your gaze to meet hers in the mirror. She had long, straight red hair and sparkling green eyes. You turned around to face her.

“Red’s your color, sweetie,” she said with a kind smile.

“Thank you,” you replied, trying to sound polite and not weirded out. You weren’t used to random compliments. “But it’s too expensive.”

“The prices here are unbelievable,” the woman responded, sympathizing with you. “Still, it looks really good on you. Where did you find that dress?”

You pointed to a rack of clothes near the dressing rooms. She was about to leave when a little boy ran towards her. He hugged her long legs and she stumbled in her high heels, almost losing her balance. Chuckling softly, she ran a hand through the boy’s dark hair.

“I’m Dolores and this is my little guy, Louis.”

You told her your name and shook her hand. Louis had his mother’s eyes, as green as grass after a summer shower. His hair was a mess of chestnut curls that he most likely took after his father.

You parted ways soon after and you changed back into your clothes before you joined Mary and Lizzie who were waiting for you somewhere in the store. They were disappointed to see you come back empty-handed.

You found a pale lilac dress in a thrift shop for only twenty dollars; it was classy and cheap. Mary wasn’t thrilled, but Lizzie commented that Bucky would love the dress. You gave her a small smile. You were pretty sure Bucky wouldn’t care. You had only one goal -impress his ex-girlfriend.

As you stepped out of the mall, a hot dry breeze hit your face. The air was hot, almost suffocating and you had to remove your jacket. You sat in the front passenger seat and fastened your seatbelt while Lizzie started the car.

She drove back to her parents’ house with the windows rolled down, a warm breeze whipping through the car. After a moment of silence, you decided to ask them about Dot.

“What is she like?”

“She’s...” Lizzie drawled out, choosing her words carefully.

“She’s a manipulative bitch,” Mary replied from the backseat. “She’s always nice and polite, but there’s something evil about her.”

“Evil?” you snorted. “Seriously?”

“Dot’s a demon, but she’s engaged to the groom’s best man so she’ll be at the wedding.”

“What happened between her and Bucky?” you asked.

Lizzie looked in the rear view mirror and shared a puzzled look with her sister. “He never told you?”

“He doesn't talk about it.” It wasn’t a lie, you had never had a real conversation with Bucky.

“He really should be the one telling you this,” Lizzie said, her eyes focused on the road. “But we’ll tell you because you deserve to know.”

You shifted uncomfortably in your seat. This was a terrible idea, you felt like you were invading his privacy.

“They met in high school and applied to the same colleges,” Lizzie began. “Bucky’s always been a straight-A student. He graduated with honors in History while Dot had to repeat her senior year. He decided to wait for her and took a job as a waiter. And since Dot lived on campus, he found a roommate to save money.

“To be honest, she practically lived with him and his roommate. She skipped classes and drank a lot while he was working his ass off. And then he received a job offer from his old high school after the history teacher retired. He rented a small studio apartment with the money he had saved up and moved in with Dot. Not long after that, she told him she was pregnant.”

“You have to understand that Bucky practically raised us,” Mary continued. “Our dad was deployed and our mom was too depressed to take care of us. Bucky prepared our meals, took us to school, did the laundry, and whatever else was necessary. He was just a kid; he’s two years older than Becca, seven years older than Liz and eleven years older than me.”

“Bucky’d always wanted to be a dad. Taking care of us must have triggered something. He was so happy when Dot got pregnant,” Lizzie recalled fondly before her smile fell from her lips. “She was four months pregnant when her obstetrician found something wrong with the child. They did some tests and... Well, Bucky couldn’t possibly be the father.

“She admitted cheating on him with his roommate, Scott. They kinda look alike, so she figured Bucky would never know. She broke up with Bucky, married Scott and divorced him ten months later. And now, Bucky lives in a big city, makes loads of money and never visits us anymore. She tore him to pieces.”

As she finished her story, Lizzie parked the car in the driveway. You followed the two sisters into the house and pondered over what Lizzie and Mary had said. Now you understood why he had freaked out the night before.

His friends were moving on and he was still haunted by his ex-girlfriend and her cruel lies. In a way, you understood his anger and lifestyle. If someone had crushed your heart and destroyed every dream you had ever had, you would probably have made some drastic changes in your life.

Every girls were potential Dots and he had to protect himself.

As soon as you walked into the kitchen, Winnie gave you two glasses of lemonade and told you to bring them to “the boys.” Bucky and Becca’s fiancé, Henry, were in the backyard, working on Becca’s car.

You left your bag in the kitchen and stepped onto the patio where you slipped off your sandals. The grass was warm under your feet as you crossed the backyard. A man you assumed was Henry took the glass you handed him.

“You’re a godsend. It’s so hot today.” He wiped his brows with the back of his hand and took a long sip of the cold drink. “We haven’t met yet. I’m Henry and I’m getting married this Sunday.”

You laughed. There was something about him that made you feel comfortable right away. He looked like a giant marshmallow.

You turned your head and saw a pair of legs clad in grease-stained jean poking out from under the car. Henry gave you a knowing smile and walked back towards the house, leaving you alone with Bucky.

He rolled out from underneath the car and almost hit his head when he saw you standing in front of him.

“You scared the shit outta me,” he grumbled as he got to his feet.

You were about to reply something when he removed his dirty white singlet and used it to wipe off his face. The words got stuck in your throat as you shamelessly ogled his half naked body. You quickly looked away when he threw his shirt on the grass.

“You okay?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. You nodded and gave him the glass of lemonade. “Thanks, I was dying.”

“You’re sweaty.”

“Well, yeah, it’s like 90 degrees.”

“You’re sweaty,” you repeated, your eyes locked on a trickle of sweat that was running between his pecs.

“Are you drunk?”

He leaned forward to smell your breath. His face was so close that you could see the smattering of freckles dotting his nose. It was barely noticeable, but it was there. Suddenly, the corners of his eyes crinkled and a laugh escaped his throat.

“Don't cross your eyes or they'll get stuck that way.”

“I wasn’t,” you responded, pushing him away.

“Yes, you were!” He stumbled back, laughing buoyantly. “It was amazing! Do it again!”

“Buttface,” you said, flipping him off as you backed away.

You walked back toward the house, Bucky’s laughter still ringing in your ears. Was that a flutter in your belly? Nope, nope, nope.

Part 4

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes imagines #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #marvel imagine #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky fic #bucky fanfic #bucky fanfiction #redgillan #redgillanwrites #breaking the rules

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