#no joke thats what i had on my rough draft for this
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I ACCDITENTLY PUT MY NITARA HC OUT OF THE DRAFTS WHAT I DIDNT EVEN FINISHED WRITING 😭😭
dude this is what happens when you have shity internet Dx i know there was a option to edit but before i realize that i deleted the post 🔫 idc anymore i'm gonna write it again
how tf does this app work i'm sorry mutual who reposted my draftJDKS
ANYWAYS MY NITARA DELULU HC LETS GO
tw: death of a character, mentions of vomit
• Remember Kahil? You know the vampire who once was user of the datusha/kriss and bc of it's power he kill most of the Vaeternus, moments later he commits suicide trapping the sword with him?
Well lets put more emotional damage and say this was a relative to Nitara, maybe a brother why not
(i rewatched the Nitara intros and her mother also died damn, that's rough buddy)
they had a really strong bond, so Nitara was broken and devastated by his brother's tragic end, and after a long time of grief, this "revelation" as she would say, came to mind. From this time she tries so hard to save her so no Vaeternus could face the fate of death
And you know, "trying" is a strong word, the coven at this point are kinda tired of her all the time visiting them and bringing her failed ideas
The coven are like: "yeah yeah you know why don't you go and try to take over outworld or something" as a joke just to get rid of her.
And she did go to Outworld so..
• Now, her voice... It's not the best, it's so monotone and she doesnt realize it
But now i can't stop thinking about her with a valley girl accent, the way she would say the word "like" repetitively in one sentence is insane
There were times when Havik just rip of his own ears to not hear her, she talks a lot
She likes to do monologues, i feel like it's normal for Vaeternus to have this... Theatrical way of speaking, that goes on and on
Nitara does not know how to lie, if you dig enough she would accidentally say the truth or let out her plans without knowing
• At first the interactions Nitara has with Rain were harsh but later he starts to understand the big problem that the Vaeternus were living in, so maybe these two will be allies in the future??? Please??
Tho at this point she is trying to persue ppl to help her cause, whether it's from the good guys or the bad guys, and not even god itself wants to make a solution to help the Vaeternus yeah she's fucked
With the fictional dead family i create around her it makes a little bit of sense when she's trying to make Smoke a vampire too, Nitara sees herself since the guy also lost his mom and sister
or instead he sees her brother in Smoke, which is kinda creepy and dark but thats how my girl copes <33 /j
• The Vaeternus have a way to go to Earthrealm from centuries ago, this could mean that the vampires have more noledge of human traditions, slangs and even technology than Outworld does
This can also includes Earthrealm pop culture, influencing the way they dress or act, there could be Vaeternus who moved to Earthrealm permanently, hiding in the shadows
Imagine miss girl tries to make chitchat with Havik, Darrius and Sareena making a Earthrealm references and everyone just look at her like "wtf r u talkin about?"
This is chronically online comunicating with normal people
Nitara finds Earthrealm movies about vampires fascinating by the way of how they portrayed her kind, bc sometimes those movies are so wrong and sometimes they are so accurate its scary
She finds the "familiar" character to be very useful, she will have it in mind and maybe find one of those to help her look for food and other plans
• There was a time when the vaeternus didnt need blood to maintain their survival (idk if it was on Liu Kang or Geras intros) and there was were other things they could have feed on, but little by little vampirism began to be part of their nature that it was impossible to change their ways, condemning their own species.
Trying to get back to a normal diet probably would take another millenia
And if they eat or drink something no blood related i imagine them vomiting A LOT and with a horrible stomach pain, not the best moment for a vampire
• Her eyes glow in the dark
Once Nitara tried to sleep upside down bc she saw it in one of those movies, and she find it so comfortable??? It's kinda embarrasing for her but she keeps sleeping on that position from now on
She's a failure, she's a loser, and i think that's beautiful
Yeah i don't have more to say, also
WWDITS MENTIONED‼️‼️
Yeah that's it bye
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Do you have any tips for starting a story? The middle and end is easy (lie) but the beginning SUCKS to write sometimes
oh gods no joke openers are one of the hardest part for me. Theres so many ways a story can start, and it makes me CRAZY because that right there is your hook, thats what convinces people to start reading!!!!! And there are so many unique ways one can start, so it ends up feeling a bit like that one reaction image of the girl being handed so so many pancakes
I think for me, what i try to ask myself when sitting down to write an opener is: "what kind of story is this?"
Because each story needs something different to accomplish its goals. A slower story might want to take its time with setting the scene, while an action-packed one might start in media res and with a bang!!! I guess if i had to give advice i would say, take the time to identify what your story is trying to say, and then look at what different openings can do for you to identify that goal.
For example; this is from my fic when the night cries, which is essentially a ghost story:
This was meant to be an introspective story, with a very gentle pace overall, so i took the time to really set the scene, build up the sense of what we're looking at before we get dropped into the fic proper. I remember my thought process for this was: how can i make this unique??? how can i make it FEEL like one of those old paintings with the beautiful yellows and summery oranges, while giving the reader a sense of whats to come?? Adding in the repetition of "it begins" was a way for me to sorta hammer that home: this is the start. This is where the story originates. And in a technical sense, it hooks your attention, with the question and immediate answer within the narration. The intention here is for the reader to want to know why this is important, and now it's answering that, but still leaving gaps for more questions.
Now compare that to, say.... lost in the dark's opening:
The overall pace of hunger au is slow, but this opener isn't-- partially because it's a rough draft, but also because what i wanted out of this scene was a sense of deep, deep urgency. We're in the middle of action; Grian is physically running while he thinks, and i wanted the reader to feel hunted and uncertain with him. Dropping everyone in with Grian at one of his most frightened, shaken points was the best way i felt i could establish that scene, and throughout it i drop hints as to what's actually going on. He's scared. He thinks he's going to hurt people. He's been on the move for a very, very long time. These are all things that are meant to pique interest and get answered later, when the reader is already invested. And i guess in that regard, its really all about timing.
But yeah!! Rambling aside, i'd say try out a few different ways of opening your fic and see what works. Think of em as thumbnails; write maybe 200 or so words at most and see if something works better than something else. I think theres this secret culture of shame among writers for not putting the perfect start down on the page the very first time you open the doc, but it's super normal to have to workshop things around to your liking!!! There's absolutely nothing wrong with writing a few different openers to see what works best for you and your story, and in fact is something i genuinely recommend. Its good practice, and essentially functions as a warm-up!!! You also get the benefit of exploring new angles in a scene, which can sometimes unlock really cool stuff for your writing
Sorry for how long this is, anon!! Hopefully you find my rambling helpful :D thank you for sending in this ask!!!
#shouting speaks#asks#i could go on abt stuff like this for HOURS i go crazy for this sorta thing#also part of the reason chap 6 is taking so long is because i needed to redo the opening scene multiple times#before i realized i actually needed to shuffle the scenes around so they kept interest and good pacing!!!#basically: dont be afraid to just sit down and try looking at things from new angles#also smth i didnt mention bc its very specific to me: i picture things like theyre movies#so i often sorta reflect that pacing in my writing. i have a very vivid imagination so i can see actions and settings VERY clearly#and often what i do is i sorta look at the big picture#and decide okay do i want to start here??? and if i do i slowly zoom in via details until we cut to the actual start#OR. i immediately zoom in so we're seeing the character or setting element right away#so yeah. movie magic ig skfnejdjdjdk#hope this helps!!!!#edit: forgor long post tag#long post#txt
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Cigarette Daydream
David x reader
idk what this is a silly little drabble thats been sitting in my drafts for month so enjoy idk?
~~~~~~~
"David?" You sat up starimg into the darkness. "Hey." He said with a exhaling tiredly, you heard him drop everything he had followed by a his jacket and shoes before you felt him flop down on the end of the bed making you bounce a little.
"Rough night?" He groaned and mumbled something into the matress. You laughed turning on your bedside lamp and crawling over to him.
"Hello beautiful." He smiled lifting his head.
"Hello." You leaned down making it easier for him to kiss you, he pushed himself up kissing you more. "David...david!" You pushed him away yet he still managed to kiss every part of your body.
"David you wreak of death! Shower before you do anything else." You warned. He groaned rolling off the bed and stumbling through the dark to the bathroom. "Don't fall asleep ok?"
"Ok!" You rolled your eyes and lied back down listening to him sing loudly over the sound of the water hitting the shower floor, Smiling to yourself as you dozed off.
"Liar" david joked softly as he came up beside you planting light kisses up your arm.
"I'm up.." You mumbled. He climbed over you to sit on his spot in the bed grabing a cigarette from the nightstand. You rolled over and watched him light it. Watching as the lighter illuminated key featers of his face.
His eyes, the bridge of his nose and the scars across his cheeks. As soon as those features where lit up they where snuffed out and you where left with only a small ring of orange light from the cigarette.
You reached up to touch his cheeks rubbing your thumb gentely over the scar. He grabbed your arm pulling you up to sit with him, you giggled as he did so letting your body go limp on purpose. "One of these days we'll go out, we'll go dancing." He said as he held you in his arms sawying you side to side as you laughed.
"Oh I'm sure." You joked.
He pulled you into a kiss and blew smoke into your mouth as he pulled away. "Asshole..." He smiled taking another drag before he blew it in your face then kissed your neck and collar bone.
"And I'll take you somewhere." He said between kisses down your body. "Someplace nice and sunny."
You took the cigarette from him taking your own long drag of it. "Keep dreaming." You said blowing smoke back into his face with a smirk. You squealed as he tackled you flat against the bed laying his head against your chest.
"Besides I quite like this as is." He hummed taking one last drag before leaning over and snuffing the it out on an ash tray on the nightstand before wrapping himself around you you.
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TW: self harm, a little bit of smut (little to no description)
ROUGH DRAFT!!! NO EDITS YET!!!!!
Solitaire-after the books ends
Once we get to the hospital I am holding Michaels hand tight. I don't let go. He even comes to my hospital room with me when they do all the tests. Once we are alone he starts to talk.
“Tori?”
“Yeah?”
“Are we going to talk about it or just let it be an elephant in the room?”
“Oh..” i say in a tone i can't quite recognize “yeah”
“Ive been wanting to do that for a while, but i didnt know if you felt the same way. I really do love you and if your okay with it…” he pauses, witch makes me nervous. “I was…” “I want…” “could we…” he is deliberating between what to say, it takes him five minutes to spit it out. No joke. “If its okay with you, would you be my girlfriend. I know this isnt the best timeing, but i really care about you and love you and I really do want to be more than friends.”
I look at him, not knowing what to say. Thats a lie, i want to say yes. I want to say yes one thousand times. But instead i just tell him to come on my bed (hospital bed) and start to kiss him. We kiss even more passionately after a minute or two. My hands holding his face, and running them through his curly, short hair. And him, wrapping his legs arround me. I remember that we are in a hospital, and why we are there. But i dont care. All i care about is the boy i love. Grasping me tight. Feeling like for once i want to keep living. I want this to never end. Charlie comes in and we both jump back. This is not how i wanted to tell my brother that i had a boyfriend. It felt good to even think that i had a boyfriend.
“Charlie!” i say with a bit of anger in my voice. Charlie had just come in the room, and i heard the door open. “You could at least knock!”
“Well im sorry but i didnt think that you would be here canoodling with your…” he pauses for a second.
“Boyfriend” i say with a stern tone in my voice. I look over at Michael and he’s bright red. “Now go”
He turns and leaves. Michael still holding me tight
{~*at home that night*~}
Michael didnt leave me throughout the entire trip at the hospital, or the ride home. Mom and dad decided it was best if he slept over, just to keep a eye on me. Just like nick did with charlie that one time. Its a little bit weird because they dont know what we are dating. Michael and I get a bed ready for him together, even though we know we arent going to use it. Just to trick my parents, they are super strict about this stuff. I get into my pjs and so does Michael. We start talking in bed. Not for long but once we start to get ready to actually go to bed, i turn the other way. Suddenly i feel a arm around me, hugging me close. I start to blush, and i hold his hand. We start to sleep around 3, a usual time for me, so im okay with it. The next thing i know im awake, next to Michael. For once when i wake up, im glad i woke up. Im happy seing his face. I think if he where awake then i wouldnt of started to play with his hair, but i do. Its so curly and theres no gell in it, for understandable reasons. I like it like this. Free. Michael looks at me, when he opens his eyes. I pull my hand back, embarrassed. We both chuckle.
“Whatcha doing?” he chuckles
“You already know!” i say while my face turns pink
“I dont mind, i like it.” he says while he starts to play with my hair.
Suddenly i feel the urge to kiss him. I dont know why. i learned my leson yesterday with people walking in. so i get up and lock the door. I think he can tell where this is going. I get back in bed, looking at him while he is looking at me. I start to blush. Blush so hard, i start to get embarrassed.
“I hate you” i wisper under my breath while slightly chuckling
“I love you too tori spring.” he whispers through his breath as he leans in for a kiss.
We start to kiss, more and more. He is rubbing his hand up and down my back, as im doing the same to him. I notice he starts to rub a little lower, over my hips and i start to chuckle. The next hour or two is not PG. after im lying my head on his chest, moving my finger ever so slightly up and down. Someone knocks on the door, i know its charlie because he starts talking. “Tori? Are you in there?”
“Shit, shit, shit, shit” i say under my breath, as MIchael looks at me.
He quickly goes into the bathroom as im putting my dressing gown on. I unlock my door and he comes in.
“Can you drive me round nicks? I would walk but its raining”
“Can’t.”
Charlie looks arround “dosnt look like your doing much.”
“You can walk, use a umbrella.”
He walks out, visibly annoyed. I tell Michael its safe to come out of the bathroom.
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I woke up to find a msg from my ex. Now I can say after the break up we remained friends. Hell he even sent me a wedding gift, I helped them draft their transition letter to his parents and even offered to be there when they told them and we stayed in contact with each other regularly up til maybe 6ish years ago.
Now about a year ago I noticed them looking me up on LinkedIn a lot but I basically ignored it cause after the past several hey how are yous and no response I just left it. If they wanted to talk, they will reach
And basicly the msg was like how they thought of me recently, saw where there was a close call with a close family member, and they saw on my fb how I visited another ex a while back[ I've stayed friends with all my ex's it's a thing lol I treasure my friendships yall] and how they miss me and they miss my friendships. And said they wished things would of worked out for us but we wanted different things and he couldn't give me what I wanted. Cause he couldn't give me all the love I needed and we would have constantly been in the cycle of him still trying to figure himself out and I would of been the one making all of the sacrifices to be with him. I would have been the one to move, I would of been the one to have to explain and be out to my parents [ this would of been before his transition] and how why take the risk of doing all that and it not work out?? And how they are happy it appears my marriage is doing great and all that jazz.
Just seems so out of the blue. But it happens I guess. Just don't know how I feel about it. Cause after that relationship ended I was in another relationship that was decently serious before that ended and I stumbled into the relationship I have with my now husband.
Like.. I know things worked out for the best cause my husband understands me in a way no one else ever had or cared too. I've never been made to feel stupid and I've always felt wanted, needed even. And ive worked hard to have better communication and i dunno i feel that my husband was the only one to prove to me they wanted me. Maybe thats a warped perspective. But I know one of my faults is I want to be serious and quick. Husband jokes and says it's the most Sapphic thing about me [insert uhaul joke]. I had expectations[probably to high and admittedly selfish] and at times I couldn't communicate that and or didn't realize how unrealistic they could be.
So in some ways I'm thankful that maybe they realized on some level it couldn't work cause i care big time for ppl and most of my relationships are friendships first. And I Def can't let go I have to have a connection with people. So if we can't be partners then let me have my friend back . Cause losing someone as a friend hurts just as much if not more[insomeways]And all friendships feel like relationships, so it's always this.... deep seeded feeling that goes along with it. And maybe that's why I can be friends with exs cause once you take out the romance of it basicly the same. The boundaries is hey we not gonna be physical(course I am weird about my body anyway when it comes to physical stuff anyway).Maybe it's not for everyone and can be complicated if you can't draw that line or distinction. Maybe I'm just able to put ppl in categories to make it easier. Maybe cause things never got physical it's easier?? I dunno.
Either way. Now I gotta find a good way of stating " it was for the best, I rather have friendships anyway cause that's what we were best at" maybe I can just say that. But we have talked about this before which is why it feels random. Maybe they are having a rough time recently or something. I dunno. I called my husband and talked to him about it [ cause I don't keep secrets and good communication is key] he said yeah its weird but maybe they feel excluded cause if I'm hanging out and going on trips to hang out with other friends[exs] maybe they want that too?? Or jealous that we seem to have a shit together more then some of the ppl we know. Or seeing the close call aka possible death shook them up enough to check in and instead of just being chill word vomit since it's been a while??? But word vomit is more my style but anything is possible. I try not to feel like ppl want something out of me just cause they being nice cause I'm nice too and I don't care for it when ppl assume that about me either ya know..... blah I've been over them for years and honestly I don't think it's a let's get back together or anything like that thing. Hopefully they know me well enough to know that ain't gonna work/happen. I wouldn't trade what I have for the world.
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Self care- p!Tommyinnit x reader
i wish i was bsfriends w tommy :’)
Word count: 1.3k
Warnings:themes of depression, nothing too deep
A/N: Taking Tommy and Wilbur requests!! u cant tell me tommy doesn’t do the classic british X’s on txts to his friends
It had been a rough stream, 8 hours sat in the same chair putting on the same happy face, it was unbelievably exhausting some days. You took of your headset and set it down after pressing ‘end stream’, you ruffled your hair and took in a deep breath, throwing a glance at the clock on your computer. 5am. You tried to throw caution to the wind, maybe it was an off day? But no, you could feel it, deep inside, another episode. You looked directly into the webcam, your face scrunching up as you take note of your appearance, your ruffled hair, your dark eye bags. It felt like hours, just staring at yourself, your famous thousand-yard stare painted across the screen. Suddenly, your phone vibrated from its place on the desk. You lethargically picked it up as the bright screen illuminated your otherwise dark room. It was Tommy.
Big T: ‘bedwars stream tmrw? : ) x’
You really didn't feel up to it in all honesty, but you didn’t want to let Tommy down like that, he loves bedwars. A sad smile made its way to your face as you drafted your text back.
Gremlin: ‘only if were on duos together : ) x’
Big T: ‘5pm? X’ You responded with a simple yeee.
You discarded your phone to the side and stood up for the first time in hours. Your bones ached as you outstretched your limbs. Pain. You walked over to your bed and sat on the edge, eyes scouring the room, even though you weren't sure what you were looking for, an escape maybe? It wasn’t even like you had anything to be upset over, great friends, successful streamer, everything was going great, but alas, depression does not give a shit. You crawled into bed, putting your phone on charge and grabbed all of your covers over your head, a long sigh making its way from your lips.
The next day/
Tommy loaded up minecraft on his computer, reading to slay game at bedwars with you. He got unusually excited when he played minecraft with you, even more excited than normal. There was something about you man, but he just couldn’t figure it out. Youd met in high school, same town and everything, and since then you were like a drug. Not a day had gone by since year 9 that you didn’t talk. He decided to drop you a message as you hadn't texted first. He asked if you were still up for bedwars. Surprisingly though, he didn’t receive a response. He waited. Just 5 minutes he said. And then 10. And then 20. Then 30. He decided to ring you just to check. Plus, he wanted to hear your voice. It rang thrice and nothing. His eyebrows drew together in confusion. You were almost always online. He tried not to overthink, but this is Tommy were talking about. Maybe you were still asleep? He wanted to believe that, but there was an itch, in his brain, that told him not to. Just to make sure, he decided to ask some of your mutual friends on the server. He clicked onto the group discord and noticed Wilbur, philza and Nikki in a vc.
“Hello Hoes and Homies alike” He bellowed when he joined the vc. Wilbur drew a confused look.
“I thought you were doing duo bed wars with (Y/N) today?” Tommy scoffed.
“Well yah, Wilburrrrr, if you let me get a word out” He joked light heartedly “No seriously though has anyone heard from her since her stream last night” They all looked confused and shook their heads. This made him even more concerned than he was. He quickly thanked them before disconnecting. His mind was running rampant. He quickly decided to throw his shoes on, you didn’t live that far, only a bus ride away on the otherside of town. He grabbed his keys and his jacket and rushed down the stairs.
“Going over to (Y/N)s for a bit” He shouted to Motherinnit as he slammed the door shut.
-------------
You were straing at the roof in a pit of self loathing when you heard your phone ring. Ugh. It seemed so much work to pick it up. Your hand made its way from under the mountain of covers and snatched your phonr from the side. Tommy. You felt a sting in the back of your eyes and tossed your phone on the bed, turning over and curling up in the covers. You stared at the inside of your covers for minutes on end. Your doorbell sent a sharp chime through the house as your mother went to answer it.
“Hello Tommy, what a surprise" He threw her a quickly greeted her and got straight to the point.
“Is (Y/N) in?”
“Shes upstairs I think, I havent heard from her all day though. Go on up” She stood to the side and let him pass.
You heard the entire conversation through your open window, and let out a heavy sigh, although you were secretly thanking Tommy in uour head for checking up on you. You heard his converse hit the steps as your door was threw open. Tommy immediately regretted his actions, wondering if you were asleep as he took note of the heap of covers on the bed. He let out a quiet whisper.
“(Y/N)?”
You didn’t really feel like talking, but you let out a quiet ‘yeah’. He rushed over to your side upon hearing your weak response.
“is everything alright? We were meant to be playing bedwars like an hour ago” This prompted you to pull the covers off your head and look at him. He took note of your puffy red eyes, and the dark eye bgs lying underneath. He looked around your room, empty energy drink cand and food containers littered your room. It suddenly clicked to him. You weren't doing okay. He looked back at you deeply, something about that look just caused the floodgates to open. Your eyes were glassy, as Tommy practically melted. He hated seeing you like this. Sure he had the bit of him being a big man with no emotions, but you where his weakness. “Hey, cmon don’t cry” He whispered as he opened his arms, welcoming you into a hug. In an instant you where in his arms, leaving tear stains on his TShirt. He didn’t seem to mind though. After a moment of silence, only broken by your sobs, he piped up. “How about, we forget about the stream for today, and ill go to the corner shop and get us some snacks, and marshmallows and whipped cream, and we can have those killer hot chocolates your mom makes. We can watch a bunch of movies, and ill even let you put one of those stupid facemasks on me, yeah?” This caused a laugh to pierce your sobs, which started to lighten up. You sniffled and pulled back from his hug, a huge smile making its way onto your face, the first genuine smile in a while.
“Thats my girl, that’s what I love to see” He matched your smile. You quickly threw your arms around him and pulled him into a long hug.
“Thank you Tommy” You said sincerely.
“Anything for my favourite girl” He smiled, as he pulled back from the hug. “Maybe while im gone you could try to shower?” He knew how tough some simple things where when you felt like this. You nodded smally and sat up. He leapt from the bed and smiled. “Okay, I wont be long!” And with that, he dashed out of the room.
You lay back on your bed. You werent okay, but that’s okay, because Tommyinnit is your best friend :)
#tommy#tommyinnit#tommyinit#tommyinnitt#tommyinitt#tommyinnit x reader#mcyt#mcyt imagine#mcyt x reader#smp
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Ahh okay the Fuyu/Natsu dynamic anon was me and i genuinely don't know how that was sent on anon. I'm gonna blame Tumblr being Tumblr.
I see what you mean about Water Me! And I LOVE the idea of an into the woods style story. You could also go into the realm of Journey to the West if you wanna follow adventure shenanigans but with more cultural relevance to the setting. It's originally a Chinese story but there's versions across Asia if I remember correctly. (The Kdrama A Korean Oddessy, for example, is based on this tale and does a humorous modernization)
Maybe since the troupe average age is older they can go more into the realm of Black Comedy than just Slapstick. Like just let Yuki go ham! Tsuzuru sees Tenma and Yuki sniping at each other one (1) time and writes for three days straight.
(Also I'm having a horrific vision of a really pared down version of CATS instead of the Great Sardine Search and I'm trying not to think too hard about it).
Oh Tenma going thru it noooo. He needs friends 😭. Does he still want the single room because he's a Celebrity™ or is it more of a "The only person I can trust is myself I'm an island I don't need anybody" Type thing. Oh man grown up Tenma Yuki dynamic would be BRUTAL actually.
Oh I can't remember if you addressed is before, but what was Masumi's draw to Mankai? I assume it's no longer "unhealthy obsession with director" but was he drawn to Sakuya's acting this time or is his motivation completely different? I do like to imagine him being sort of a mentor to kiddo!Matsukawa in terms of music production. Like he let's him mess around in the studio and stuff. I think Matsukawa's canon talent in music is something that we all sleep on (I like to headcanon that he composed and produced all the troupe and play songs).
And Because I physically can't do anything without talking about Juban at Least a lil - Imagine Ginji Shenanigans but Director Banri's been keyed into the situation from the point where everyone starts suspecting Juza's secretly married instead of being brought in at the end. (I love the Ginji arc so much not a single brain cell to be found)
hi anon!! um. again sorry for this being so late, but this one was also sent on anon, just so you know!!! tumblr continues to be tumblr </3
bc this was a longer message and i had a lot to say, thoughts under the cut!
ooh, i'll definitely have to look into that journey to the west idea!!
and YEAH thats what i was thinking. tsuzuru has been unchained. Tsuzuru Without Limits. he absolutely is gonna go for more darker comedy.
DEAR LORD SARDINE SEARCH AS CATS 2019. I HATE THIS BUT ALSO I NEED YOU TO KEEP TALKING. actually my friends and i have this joke that when the mankai company puts on Cats, the playbill says that homare is playing every role, and then there's that little understudy slip-in that shows the rest of the cast via that, and you need to figure out who homare is playing via process of elimination. our thoughts were that homare has the range to play all of them so he should get to choose each night who he wants to play.
TENMA IS... going through it ya. he's become disgraced as a celebrity due to um. some Undefined Scandal that i will eventually define, so that's why he's even joining mankai in the first place.
AND GROWN UP TENMA AND YUKI DYNAMIC... in the break i took, my friends and i discussed some new lore for mankai swap, so the reason yuki hates tenma so much is that he was hired to be his designer for a red carpet/met gala event, and tenma insisted on just weareing a tuxedo. so yuki still holds a grudge about this. last runway is catharsis for him bc he gets to make tenma wear interesting outfits.
about masumi. um. that's a great question! so here's what i have about him joining in my rough draft:
The gang: QUIT YOUR JOB JOB JOIN OUR THEATER TROUPE
Man with dyed hair: looks logningly by passes by
[...]
Banri takes them out for sushi so he can get california rolls. Mentally he’s like wait i probably shouldnt be spending so much but ehhh its a special occasion.
Everybody is having fun and laughing and fambily ^_^
Man with dyed hair from earlier: … you guys are the mankai company right
Banri: ya
Man with dyed hair: are you still looking for members
Banri: ya
Man with dyed hair: can i join.
Banri: ya
Man with dyed hair: cool. Im masumi usui. I do not have abandonment issues.
Banri: wow we’ve got the whole new spring troupe
so i'm pretty sure what i was trying to get at here was that masumi joins bc he wants the idea of a family, but also i didn't actually write that out explicitly so um? even if that wasn't the original intention its what im going with now.
AND I DIDNT EVEN CONSIDER HIM MENTORING MATSUKAWA SO TRUE... one thing abt this au is that um. it has turned me into a big Matsukawa fan he is my little boy boss. did you know he sleeps in the attic in canon. it makes me insane. poor matsukawa. i love the idea of masumi mentoring him and him composing the play songs!!
oh my god this ginji arc idea is so insanely good i LOVE it. i agree it's one of my favorite arcs it is so funny but also so sweet, and the idea of turning it into a 'omg is he secretly married' is HILARIOUS on all fronts. i adore this thank u for these crumbs.
? wait that reminds me i wrote a mankai swap juban drabble during my break i should post that.
as always., thank you so much for taking the time to ask!!
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World building is the best tbh. I’m forever world building and now I have several worlds to play in and my neurodivergent brain cannot stay still enough to focus on one lmao. SLOWBURN ROMANCES ARE MY LITERAL JAM LIKE PLS!!! I LOVE THEM!! Also!!!! Concepts!!!! Pls share!!!! I love learning about the worlds of my fave fics and I can hands down say right now that this fic will literally shoot to the top of my list of favourites which means you’ll occupy the top three spots. Sorry to hear that ur feeling rough, so am sending u the biggest hug. I’m not okay but I’m taking care of myself today so that I will be 🧡-🐈⬛
alsjfsldkjf i have too many worlds TBH, literally one of the best parts of my 2020 was writing for the classic rock fandom and writing one of my good friend’s ocs alongside mine, like there’s so many different worlds that our two characters have now, i’m like 26k deep into a high school au that i need to get back to at some point, and then i wrote a oneshot abt the high school au but they’re adults, and then there’s also the original timeline, and then there’s the present day in the original timeline where they have kids and i probably care too much about people who aren’t real...... hahaha
OKAY OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO I’LL GIVE KIND OF AN OVERVIEW OF THE ALBUMS AND A FEW SONGS BUT IF U WANT ME TO GO IN DEPTH ON ANY OTHER SONG JUST ASK!!!
yes i have a playlist for each, if you wanna hear how i interpret the vibes of the songs. if you interpret them differently, thats awesome!! i’d love to hear y’all’s opinions on them!!
testing one two - the first ep they release, the song titles are mostly themed (fast forward, press play, pause, rewind), but are mostly things y/n has been working on for a while but never got around to finishing, things they are rather proud of. i see you shiver with... is the first song they wrote specifically for the album, and it’s the last song on the EP because it’s a Rocky Horror reference; i see you shiver with...
a n t i c i p a t i o n - first full album!! the vibe is Hopeful But Hesitant it has all the songs from the ep, plus some new ones!! collabs with youtube musicians troye and dodie, and y/n’s label sets up a collab that turns into a genuine friendship. the breakout dance hit is what else is there to say ft. Troye Sivan, which is about not knowing what to make content about when it feels like you’ve already told the world everything. it featured the prechorus and hook
You, know, ev-ery-thing about me / gave it all for free / my life in HD / So, let’s dance, let me see your hips sway / we’re gonna be okay / what else is there to say?
So say that you love me, say that you love me, say that you love me / let’s die hand in hand. / I’ll tell you I love you, tell you I love you, tell you I love you / supply and demand.
personally, i also conceptually enjoy srs bsns which is a really upbeat song about how they don’t care if people don’t take them seriously because they know in their heart that what they’re doing is good
hyperfocus - 2nd EP, a pretty substantial departure from their usual style, but also happens to quietly be Corpse’s favourite, and is actually y/n’s most polarising, because it has both the Grammy award winning HEARTBURN and the o brother where art thou which was written partially as a joke to capture a fond moment of them and 5SOS dicking around together in a hotel. written while on tour wit 5SOS, im writing the reader as having ADHD (because I have ADHD and i can do what i want), and the backstory is that they’d changed the medication/dosage they were taking, and as it’s their first full tour, they were under a lot of stress and were in a weird place mentally and emotionally, and hyperfocus is the result of that. i’m going through some stuff has HUGE agoraphobic vibes.
HEARTBURN has the same vibes as Florence + The Machines’ Howl. It’s about being a demon without saying that or directly implying that unless you know demons real well. This is when the pressure for them to confirm their identity got real bad, and it was their way of working through those emotions.
tear in existence in the shape of a person / when i’m seeing clearly i can’t see myself / world can’t swallow what it can’t get it’s teeth into / got everything i wanted but i ain’t got my health
Got heart-burn--- / I’ll tear me apart / I’ll tear you apart / I’ll tear me apart.
SCREAM gets rereleased as a remixed single featuring Fall Out Boy the following year. It won the MTV music award for best collaboration in 2018.
In the time between hyperfocus and working on it, Y/N releases several singles, including a cover of Tell Him by The Exciters to be featured in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. They also take time to sort out their health, do a little bit more YT stuff, and travel internationally to do festivals.
working on it - is kind of a middle ground between their original stuff, and hyperfocus, like pop-punk meets horror-pop meets whatever you’d classify halsey as. the first three songs were mostly written before the fic starts, so before they’re getting back to YT, but the last three, nightmare scenario, designed to hurt (touch me), and not scared were all written after they’d started hanging out with sykkuno and corpse.
in-universe, imposter syndrome was originally something else, along the same lines of tired that they’re hiding that they’re a demon, but after meeting corpse nd sykkuno and having people who know, and lowkey being influenced by corpse’s music, the song changes directions, and YO OKAY YO::
I literally am so fucking flattered, my darling friend @bingusmode wrote lyrics for imposter syndrome and I’ve been yELLING about them ever since i’ve read them!! (also bunnie is fantastic and lovely in general 10/10)
if you thought you saw me
i’d think about it twice
cuz while i know i’m naughty
everybody thinks i’m nice
cutest giggles get me
places that i long to be
but it’s not long before
everybody hates me
when you figure out i’m fucked up
you’ll probably think that can’t be right
but babe my image runs to save me
cuz i’m ugly day and night
nothing good about me
not the angel that i seem
cuz i’m a piece of shit
and i’ll ruin your fuckin dreams
i’m an impostor babe
you better run for your life
cuz there’s a bloodlust runnin through me
and you’re dripping off my knife
there’s no one here to save you
cuz you ate up all my lies
so beg me while you can
and draft up all your goodbyes
if any of y’all are inspired by anything i put out, feel free to take it and run!! you have my blessing!! i am so overwhelmingly flattered by people who like my stuff enough to create because of it, directly or indirectly! lyrics, art, songs, anything!! legit! I love you!!
okay so designed to hurt (touch me) has big House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco vibes, and YES it��s about Corpse. YES it sends mixed messages. YES it has greek myth imagery and YES that imagery is confusing. not sure if any of these sets of lyrics actually go after each other but also idk??
will my fall from grace be graceful / as each move i see you make? / propped up on pedestals side by side / beneath our feet they shake / i’m the only one to hear you ask / “What have they done to me?” / My boy, your wax throne is sun-drenched / you’ll fall in the name of your legacy.
eyes like yours watched rome burn / while hands like mine lit the pyre / we both heard me say we’d go down in flames / now you’re turning me into a liar / since you smile like that, like you can’t feel the sting / and we both know i can’t feel the fire
been telling myself i’m designed to hurt / but, baby, aren’t we a sight? /
check your reflection, your angles, apollo / you’re icarus in the right light /
we’re on the edge, i’m not scared to fall / we’ll take refuge in the night /
been telling yourself you’re designed to hurt / but, baby, doesn’t this feel right?
also, albumtouralbumtour is a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody.
OKAY AND FINALLY
n o s t a l g i a - the album the reader’s working on during the fic.
literally as i was writing this, bunnie sent through some FIRE lyrics for how the light gets in, (@bingusmode) i am going to be thinking about these on REPEAT for the next MONTH BRUV
little bit of darkness, treat me like a toy
i got my hopes up and got them destroyed
bitter taste of regret sitting heavy on my tongue
can’t believe i let you convince me that you were the one
sitting here in silence, fabric running thin
petals burning in my lungs and stealing oxygen
embers from a cigarette falling to the floor
god i can’t take anymore
so i stumble to the window and pull the shades
and the moon pours in like you threw a grenade
i can’t understand why
i keep trying
cuz i never seem to win
but having any hope is how the light gets in
from there, moment before impact ft. Billie Eilish is a club anthem along the lines of bad guy or COPYCAT, bass heavy with a drop that’s out of this world.
powdered pain, i’m in your veins / i’m the sting, the drip, the thing / you’re craving, but you hate to see me misbehaving / i heard my breakdown got you high / it’s true, but baby i can’t lie / i never got that rush, that burn / that makes you feel alive, i had to learn / to pick the slippery slope down which i fell / plan my pitstops on the way to hell / to pick my padding before i spiral / so if i break it’ll be in style
watch my misdirect, now freeze, / notice you can’t see the forest for the trees / you’re so desperate for my demise / but baby, i’ll make you watch me rise.
this is the moment before impact
controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i know you hope i’m not okay / you get off on my audio misery
controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i need you to know i want it this way / my breakdown won me a grammy
and this is the moment before impact
ur my favourite - interlude ft. sykkuno is probably one of my favourites, it’s just really soft, just a snippet of a conversation between the reader and sykkuno, maybe one of them told a joke and they both just sound real happy and sweet. its nice. it’s a nice moment.
means something is also for sykkuno!! it’s about how good-strange it is to be open and honest with friends, and how they usually aren’t but they’re glad they can be open and honest with him!!
meanwhile, i don’t think about u - interlude ft. CORPSE is a phonecall between corpse & the reader right after they announce they’re going to feature on acting like that, where corpse asks if they do this sort of thing to spite him, to which the reader responds ‘do i consider you when i’m making decisions about my career? no, corpse, actually i don’t think about you at all’ which then directly contrasts the song that ends the album, which is (how it feels to be) beautiful fireworks, which is essentially ‘i know how hard it is to exist like this, to be the centre of attention, to give off light and bring people joy, even when you’re in pain. i’m here for you. i love you.’
okay, i swear im done now, i’ll get back to writing the fic! (also i cannot BELIVE i managed to figure out how to embed those playlists but im so happy) edit: it didn’t actually work when i posted the ask, so anyways im sorry but y’all are abt to be spammed with playlists because i care too much abt this fic
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Seunghyub “Boyfriend Headcanons”
Seunghyub version // Chahun version // Jaehyun version // Hweseung version // Dongsung version
- congratulations you are dating a father
- I’m kidding lmao
- or am i?
- Dating Seunghyub comes with children
- You are dating a father and that’s facts
- Seunghyub is just such a great guy
- the person who lands him is very lucky
- he’s marriage material
- Seunghyub on the first date
- Such a gentleman
- the whole time
- like I feel like if Seunghyub dates
- he dates to find his forever partner
- very not into dating around
- if he’s on a date with you it’s because he sees that in you
- Probably will take you out for dinner
- nothing too fancy
- nothing too casual
- a perfect inbetween
- he saves the other dates for other moments
- He’s not very serious on the date though
- he figured if he was so serious it might be intimidating so he definitely puts down that wall
- he’s very smiley the whole time
- He let’s his hand move over the table to hold onto yours
- If you want him to of course
- When the date is over
- Seunghyub will walk you home
- he doesn’t like the thought of you walking home alone in the dark
- he never does
- His fingers will toy with yours as you walk
- not fully holding your hand but just playing with your fingers
- making you laugh and smile because he already absolutely adores that sound
- 10/10 kisses on the first date
- with permission of course
- when he walks away he can’t stop smiling
- his mood is intarnishable for the next 2 days
- Walking you home when it’s dark is one way he shows affection
- If you’re working late, he will pick you up and walk you home
- Seunghyub sees this as prime time to talk about your day
- and like, he feels better knowing you made it home safe
- it puts his heart at rest knowing you’re safe
-when it comes to cheering you up
- Seunghyub is the best listener
- he’s so good at listening to your problems
- and things that bother you
- holds your hands while you rant
- drawing small shapes into your skin while you do
- he does this to keep you calm
- he prefers calm talks over yelling rants
- he can concentrate on what you’re saying better and might even be able to offer solutions
- When you’re sad he really just wants to hold you the whole time
- He has a hard time letting you go when you’re upset because he just wants to comfort you
- When Seunghyub is sad or upset
- He kind of just comes in and hugs you
- burries his face in your neck and you just know something is wrong
- He really just expects you to do the same as he does for you
- listen and come up with solutions if you can
- it’s just so important to him that you two can work and help eachother with problems, even if they aren’t your own
- Arguments with Seunghyub can get heated
- arguments don’t happen often though
- and a majority of the time they are pretty small things
- things you can just sit down and talk about
- but every now and then there’s that one argument
- his voice raises a little
- your voice raises
- there’s silence for an hour or two
- then you sit down and talk things out
- however Seunghyub never gets mean while arguing
- no he’s very civilized
- If you’re in the wrong and apologize
- he’s always very quick to accept
- he doesn’t like arguing with you
- if that was the case you two wouldn’t be together
- If he’s in the wrong
- he feels really bad
- apologizes to you with flowers
- and lots of hugs and kisses
- doesn’t let you go for a few hours
- Seunghyub really hates fighting with you
- it just leaves such a bad taste in his mouth
- that’s why it doesn’t happen often
- sleeping with Seunghyub is actually quite nice
- so before you two go to sleep he tends to hold you close
- running his fingers over your back as you cuddle into his chest
- If you fall asleep like this
- he just falls asleep too
- but preferably
- he really likes spooning you
- loves having his arms wrapped around and likes being able to press kisses to base of your neck
- it’s just a small endearing thing he does
- not always with dirty intentions (save those for later)
- he just feels like he can protect you this way
- Seunghyub also prefers sleeping on the side by the door
- if anything should happen
- he just wants to be there and protect you
- That’s just the type of man he is
- the type to sleep on the door side to protect you
- Seunghyub obviously works very hard
- He’s so proud of everything he makes
- You would be so proud of everything he makes
- Like it’s such a work of art and the music is just amazing
- He loves showing you what he’s working on
- his eyes get all sparkly watching you listen to something
- waiting for your feedback
- he works on music alot
- obviously he’d be so amazed if you did something with music or were at least interested in learning from him
- Oh the amount of songs he’d write for you or about you
- there would be so many
- you’d cherish each one
- if you two get married
- bet your butt you are getting serenaded
- anyways
- free time is majorly spent on relaxing
- you really need to remind him to take it easy sometimes
- so when you’re together and have free time
- you tend to want to just relax with him
- lay on the couch and watch some tv
- or read in comfortable silence
- or to disrupt that silence with a bad joke
- just to think about something else besides work
- Relaxing comes in many forms though
- he really likes going to cafes and bookstores with you on off days too
- he considers this relaxing too
- Seunghyub likes doing things like this
- he just likes going out and holding your hand
- he would think it’s pretty cool if you worked out with him too
- obviously he’d never force you
- but he’d think it’s fun to go to the gym with you
- another way to relax together in his eyes
- He appreciates that you help him relax
- he loves that you’re considerate
- it’s something that he adores about you
- Jealousy and Seunghyub
- Seunghyub does get jealous
- but he smiles through it
- he knows you won’t do anything
- he doesn’t trust the person he was jealous of
- He’ll pull you closer into him and smile
- you’ll know he’s jealous because he’s tense
- but the second he looks at you that melts away
- and he forgets about being jealous
- he gets over jealousy as quick as he gets jealous
- Okay time for growling bedroom Seunghyub
- Seunghyub is a dom
- no discussion about it
- he’s good mix of soft and hard though
- but even when he’s in hard dom mode he isn’t that intense
- because in Seunghyub’s mind, sex is something that’s like special
- so if he gets really rough he feels kind of bad about it
- so he kind of draws the line at extreme things like choking and such
- but he gets rough in other ways
- loves biting your skin
- leaving little marks all over your chest and neck
- he absolutely loves your neck
- marking it up
- kissing it
- running his fingers over it
- however he loves your whole body
- he’s such a fan of body worship
- Seunghyub knows just what to say to make you feel absolutely beautiful
- with that deep voice of his
- the praise can be said sweetly
- it can be growled
- either way it’s appreciated
- soft praises are always being sung to you
- no matter what mood he’s in rough or not
- that never goes away
- also morning sex
- morning sex with Seunghyub is a favored thing
- his deep, deep, raspy morning voice
- coupled with some needy whines on his end
- maybe you wear one of his t-shirts
- morning sex is his favorite
- the slow lazy energy around it
- he adores it
- Seunghyub doesn’t have sex he makes love
- thats all I can say on that
- he also doesn’t like positions where he can’t see your face
- except for spooning
- that’s the exception because he likes the close proximity
- Aftercare
- aftercare with Seunghyub isn’t that intensive or anything
- because he doesn’t get that rough
- it’s filled with loving stares
- running your fingers through his hair
- soft kisses over your skin and the marks he left behind
- coupled with even more praise
- he praises you so much it’s insane
- soft laughter as you get flustered
- his eyes are always so sparkly after sex?
- looks at you with the most loving gaze
- loves showering together afterwards
- it doesn’t lead to more
- well sometimes but not that often
- he likes the intimacy of just being able to shower together
- washing your hair and massaging your scalp
- holding you to his chest and just running his hands over your skin
- he loves that
- he loves leaning down for you to wash his hair too
- looking at you with a dopey, gushy smile
- Relationship with Seunghyub is equal give and take
- he’s a classic romantic
- he’s in it to find his forever love
- the person he wants to start a family with
- the person to spend the rest of his life with
- because he’s ready for that
- he wants kids
- he wants that life
- he’s in it for the long run
A/N: So I had a real hard time writing this for some reason. It has been sitting in my drafts for 2 months and I restarted it like 5 times. So if this sucks I apologize
#n.flying#n.flying scenario#n.flying reaction#seunghyub#seunghyub reaction#seunghyub scenario#seunghyub smut
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omG i adore all the packtan verses soso much, the latest yoongi fluff u posted?? AGH so SOFT i loved it sm!! would the reader ever talk to the boys about her old pack, and like why thats the reason shes wary about being super close with packtan?
i think she would eventually- and I think there would be a moment, maybe some soft snuggles happening in the morning, and namjoon is kinda super soft thinking about how you’re in Hoseok’s pajamas- the dark silk fabric making you have sweater paws. all ruffled from some sleep- and he doesn't know how they got on the topic but now you’re confiding in him and hobi and suddenly namjoon is fucking enraged as you tell him how they treated you.
they best hope they never cross namjoon’s path, namjoon will end them. Hoseok too, (Hoseok might find out their names and draft several very strong kakao talk messages only to delete them before he sends them- just so they know- if they ever even think about coming near you again- hoseok is going to end them and their careers)
emotional abuse can be just as pervasive and as harmful as physical abuse, how they slowly wormed their way into your mind. now it all makes sense- the way that you’d kinda acted like you didn’t care about them- leaving and walking home late at night- putting yourself at risk. never telling them you were having a rough day until you practically burst into tears, the way you’d been genuinely surprised when any of them expressed wanting to spend time with you, wanting to spoil you, any time they’d complimented you and you’d kinda acted like they were joking.
there are signs of it- and the others- yoongi and Hoseok, in particular, are the most vigilant and aware- especially when your actions hurt the others- it’s honestly not your fault. They all realize this after you leave early one morning- without saying bye, and then the aftermath- Seokjin crossing his arms, “you didn't even think to wake us? or have us drive you home? the subway isn’t exactly safe at 5am- I just- can't imagine why you didn’t stay- or shower in our shower- or borrow our clothes” jin continues his tirade until you lookup
“I didn’t think you wanted me to” you say, voice small, “what? what made you think that” “you’ve just- never said you wanted me to stay before, we fell asleep on the couch- and then I woke up in your bed and I didn’t want to- overstep. you guys are already in a pack and I’m just- I’m just me- I’m sorry I just- I didn’t know, so I figured it was just better if I didn’t overstep” and then their eventual realization all of them tripping over themselves to reassure you “we always want you to stay babe- of course, we did- why else would we invite you so late at night if we didn’t want you to stay over?”
The hear more, about booty calls from your old pack and others, how they’d make it clear they didn’t want you to stay after- sure everyone likes an omega before the sex but not after when they get needy (after they hear you spew that vitriol at yourself they make sure they’re always giving with physical affection- and they see you slowly turn from being worried and kinda trepidatious about it- to sinking into their arms fully and becoming the most cuddly omega of them all- sometimes not even greeting them before you’re sinking into their arms and scent marking along their shoulders)
they get better- get used to telling you explicitly when they want you to stay, trying to work around the way your brain works.
jimin remembers vividly- the first day he’d realized how much damage your old pack had done to the way you’d seen yourself. the day he’d taken a selfie with you in a coffee shop, and you’d kinda rolled your eyes, whining that you didn’t like photos to be taken of you, and then jimin sending it to you before he sends it to the group, you freezing when the notification comes through, the way you’d looked so unsure, “Jiminie...do I really look like that?” jimin is already sending the picture through the pack group chat and getting about a million heart emojis from Hoseok through, tea sends though “oh my god- get in my bed right this instant”
“what do you mean baby?” and when he looks up, he sees you staring at your phone- at the picture, a weird look on your face, like there's something not real about what you’re seeing, “do I really look like that? do I look pretty like this?” this isn’t you phishing for complements this is you genuinely looking for his reassurance- and Jimin nods cutely his hand closing around yours on your phone to tilt it towards himself so he can point out the things about you he loves- your shoulders are really nice and not to broad for an omega, your hair fits your face perfectly and your cheeks are cute, jimin loves them, tilts your chin close with one hand to kiss them until you're giggling.
later jimin tells Tae and Jungkook while they’re washing up, “you should have seen the look on her face today- it was like she’d thought I photoshopped the photo” “do you think” Tae spits out his toothpaste “she might have body dysmorphia or something?” Jimin shrugs, Jungkook wraps his arms around Tae’s middle, nuzzling in slow to his back, “finish up- we should talk in the nest”
and then later- with Jimin and Tae's heads balanced on either of Jungkook’s pectorals “do you think it could have something to do with her old pack?” jimin feels anger take hold in his chest, a growing hiss in his throat, his words come out strange and pitched, “if i ever get my hands on them i swear i’ll tear them apart”
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Runnin' with the Devil 1
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You watched your husband from your place on the couch and pulled your legs into your body in an attempt to warm them, your mind wandering to just a year ago. Where you were in the warm arms of Jay Park, spoiled with champagne and as much sweet things as you could fill yourself with. But now . 'Nothing like how it used to be,' You thought. You missed Jay, he made you laugh, not that you did much of that these days. How could you? When you were in the same house with your biggest enemy?
Your eyes wandered over to the massive ring that stood out on your finger, making your hand look even smaller then it already was. The huge diamond complimented by the other diamonds that rounded the rock, gold encasing their holding and a small red dragon engraved within the main diamond. It was no mistake what this ring truly symbolized. You belonged to him now, The Red Dragons and the Kwon Family.
Your mind floated to when the Red Dragon rescued you from the Brotherhood. You were with Jay on his arm at one of his lavish parties that he threw every year to keep the peace between the families that ran the state. Except instead of the night being filled with the sound of laughter from to much drinks and music from the DJ, it was swollen with blood and gun shots. At first it was Jay that grabbed you when he heard the first gun shot ring out into the air made by some hired man. He pushed you to his second in command, Jackson, and you were with Jackson for a long time until a bullet went through his chest and your face became streaked red. Another Brotherhood member, Chan Bang, grabbed you and seemed to bring you toward the masked intruders who in shock all you could do was watch as they shot down people like it was a sport. Most of them laughing as they did so. You fought against Chan, but maybe it was the excessive alcohol your drank that made you unable to get out of his iron grip or the fear of being next. One of Chan's close friends, Hyungjin brought Min and Suzy, a short bubbly girl and a baby faced angel of a girl who were dating another brotherhood member, and you watched as the masked man shoot both of them point blank as they begged for there life before he pointed the gun at you.
yA pop rang out in the air and instead of you going into the pile of bodies with Min and Suzy, it was the masked man. POP! Another one shot down Chan, you came loose from his grip as he fell into the piles. However before you could run the shooter grabbed you. "Let's go!" his voice was rough but his touch was gentle yet urgent. He led you through the ballroom avoiding the gunshots with skill, as though he was trained for this his entire life. You knew who he was, everyone did. Jiyong Kwon, son of YoungHwan Kwon leader of the Red Dragon's and next to take over. Once you were outside he rushed you into a car and drove as fast as he can while cops sped past him heading to the bloody scene which would later be called THE BALLROOM MASSACRE.
He brought you back to his lavish penthouse and brought a doctor (thats how you reconnected with me) to check on you and him. Physically, you were unhurt minus a few scratches but mentally- you were not. He suggested you stay with him for a few days until everything cooled down. And during that time, the news of the event, soiled your mind more and more everyday as more and more bodies were counted as dead. People you knew, people who you laughed with, cried with, loved. Gone. No news of what happened to Jay - you presumed he was dead. Only seeing Jackson on the TV, beat up and on crutches. Through all that Jiyong was there for you, one drunken night bringing you close, spilling secrets to each other with the only witness the fire that burned in the fireplace as you drank. Those few days turned into months and soon you found yourself in love with the man especially when he drafted another peace treaty with the other mafia families and excited those who killed at the Ballroom Massacre.
Which is how you ended up with two children babbling upstairs. You aren't sure how you became pregnant - not at first at least. You were careful or at least you thought you were. You used condoms, even had an IUD. But one day you were feeling nauseous and bloated and tender and he suggested going to the doctor. He made me come to the house and take blood, a few minutes later you found you were pregnant. And though Jiyong tried to hide it, we argued or were cold with each other every time we saw each other. 7 months later you gave birth to Anastasia Min-Lee Kwon and Apollo Taehyun Kwon and you were married at a huge ceremony in the city that was more protected then the royal family. But like all good things, that too must come to an end and thats when your life, which seemed to be going to well fell apart in your hands.
"About" stomach turned as you thought about that day only a week and a half ago. You sat in my house, a smaller less extravagant house then yours however the garden that surrounded it was a perfect place to sit. A gazebo gifted to us by Jiyong after I helped you after the massacre, is where we sat. Eating at the small table watching while, Marceline and Salem played with the babies, your nannies enjoying that they are getting a quick break in this picturesque area.
You smiled hearing the sound of your babies laughing, happy to hear it without your father in law interrupting the noise, you were about to comment on it when I interrupted your thoughts. "I wish I could have protected them better." Your eyebrow raised at the serious of my tone but before you could ask I spoke again "with Marcie mostly," I clarified "Salem - he doesn't know all that Marceline knows." I hadn't really gotten into what happened in the past before I showed up back in this town. But I left with a man named Negan and came back with a little girl and a friendship with Mr. YoungHwan Kwon and a body guard only known to you as Suga.
You weren't sure what to say so you said "We do all we can, you know. You're a good mother." You looked at me concerned seeing something clearly on my mind. "Whats wrong?"
"I'm sorry, adi." Confused you just looked at me waiting for me to explain. "I wished I could have protected you too."
Your mind flicked to the bloody mess of that night and you shook your head, in an attempt to stop thinking about it. "You couldn't have known, you weren't even there."
"I wished that I could have protected you from Jiyong," I said and your mind swirled in even more confusion. "I should have warned you when he took you from Jay. But I didn't want to believe he would do that- I was so stupid. Yoongi told me but I didn't believe him. Then when you got pregnant- Yoongi and me were trying to have Sunday. He was so happy when he first held him, I don't think ive ever seen him happier. The smile didn't leave his face for weeks and even now every time he speaks about the kids his face still lights up the same way it did all those years ago. He even tattooed there names on his chest, that was the first thing he did out of the hospital. I saw the same thing in Taeyang when he had his son, and in Bom and her husband; just pure unfiltered joy." You raised an eyebrow about to ask what that had to do with anything when I looked at you. "When I Jiyong told me you were pregnant, that look - wasn't there. It was something else; something darker, like he had just accomplished his master plan. Then I remembered you told me you had an IUD and you wore condoms. So after I took your blood, I went into your bedroom and searched until I found the condoms and went to the sink. I filled all of them with water and each one had holes in it. I told Yoongi about it and he questioned the other doctor on Jiyong's payroll - after about an hour with Yoongi he admitted to drugging your wine and taking it out."
Your heart sunk, no, your husband wouldn't do that to you. I was mistaken - it had to be some kind of joke. You shook your head but I nodded.
"Its true." I said "and he found out I knew, thats when you caught us arguing. He knew after getting you knocked up, you'd marry him. He pretended he was the perfect husband so why wouldn't you?" You looked down at your ring instantly feeling nauseous.
"Why didn't you say something?!" you shouted bitterly catching the attention of the nannies. I waved at them to continue and told you to stay quiet. "Why should I?!"
"Because he's listening." I said motioning to the ladies. One of them carried a small device pinned to her chest, it was supposed to be just a pin but I knew what they were. A little transmitter like Negan used to use.
You're heart beat fast in your chest and you forced yourself to be quieter. "why didn't you tell me?" I motioned once again to the kids. "Oh please, Jiyong wouldn't kill kids." I sighed and unfolded a small series of pictures. There you saw pictures - candid shots of mine and Yoongi's small family, shopping, eating, taking them to school along with a phone number written in Jiyong's district handwriting along with the words 'Keep my secret and ill keep yours'. "What does this mean? who's phone number is this?"
"Negan's." I said simply and before you can ask why can't he know I stopped you. "I didn't just leave Negan. I escaped from him, he wouldn't let me leave and he killed everyone who tried to help me or talk to me. His entire fucking compound is decorated with the body parts of people I used to be friends with. He wanted me to rely on him and only him. He wouldn't even let me out with Marcie without him. When I left he told me he'd kill Marceline in front of me if I didn't come back to him. For the next week he killed a woman every single day, just cause they sort of looked like me. The day I got out of that town he killed a woman and her son because he thought it was me and Marcie in disguise, the little boy was only 4 years old and he shot him in front of his mother and strung her up on a tree in the park. Imagine what he would do to them" I looked at the laughing children, "or Yoongi, I know if I ever see Negan again I'm dead but I'm not going to let him find out about anyone else."
For a while you were silent, sitting in the news that shattered your view of your once perfect family. "Why now?" You asked after a while.
"We're leaving - it's the only safe option and I want you to come with us. Take your children and come with us. You aren't safe there." I said and you let out a shaky sigh "Yoongi is the best at disappearing; we'll be untraceable." You heard the nannies in the distance telling the kids its time to go inside and I stood up. You eyes wandered to the children running towards you while the nannies, wheeled the baby carriages over towards us.
"Mommy!" Marceline shouted holding up a handful of flowers "Look!" The nannies approached at a quick speed, to quick for your liking; if you were going to meet me, how were your going to know where?
"Look like its time to go Mrs. Kwon" one of them said to you "Mr. Kwon is calling."
"Good;" I smiled acting as though I didn't drop that bomb on you. "Have a good trip home," I lifted your twins out of there carriage and kissed each on the cheek. "say goodbye to your aunt." My children wrapped there small arms around your legs shoving flowers into your hands and pockets, causing you to laugh and hug each of them. I hugged you tight and picked up a flower that fell from your pocket and put it in your hand where you felt the soft piece of paper wrapped smoothly around the stem. "I hope to see you soon."
Now a week and a half later you still had the piece of paper buried in the small flap under the felt of your jewelry box watching as Jiyong laughed with TOP at a show they were both watching wondering how your life got so fucked up.
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Moon River (Bucky Barnes x Reader)
Summary: Bucky has a nightmare and the reader hears him and comes to take care of him the only way she can think of.
Warnings: Nightmare, bucky has a panic attack, shy bucky, friends to lovers, tooth rotting fluff, like guys the end is so fluffy I can’t let me tell you this a feel good story.
an: here’s an old draft I’ve been saving for a rainy day. It’s inspired by Moon River from Breakfast at Tiffany’s! Here’s the inspo for this whole fic.
It was just another night at the tower. My bare feet padded across the cold hardwood floor towards the kitchen to fill up my water cup. As I was waiting for my glass to fill I looked out at the city lights. Most people prefer mountains and valleys but I’ve always preferred the twinkling lights on the black sky.
As if on queue I heard a scream coming from one of the rooms. A scream that was so loud I could feel it go through my ears and down my spine causing my body to shudder.
I ran as fast as I could towards the rooms. It didn’t take me long to realize it was coming from Bucky’s room. When I threw open the door I expected at least a dozen intruders and one very injured Bucky, but instead I found him thrashing around in his bed screaming so loud his throat must feel like sand paper.
I ran over to him and immediately tried to wake him up.
“Bucky! Bucky wake up!” I screamed shaking his shoulders. “BUCKY WAKE UP ITS JUST A DREAM!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
All of the sudden he woke up and before I could even ask him if he was okay he started to panic. Shaking and crying he latched onto me burying his head in my chest. His rapid breaths hitting the neckline of my tank top.
I would be completely lying if it said I knew exactly what to do in this situation. I had never talked to Bucky before now. If it wasn’t for my close friendship with Steve I’m sure he wouldn’t even know my name. Never the less we were practically strangers, yet here he sat clinging to me like I was the first human he had seen in ten years. I thought hard and fast about what always relaxes me. I started by lying down on my back so he was lying on top of me. Immediately after my brain ran to a song from my favorite move and I figured there was no way I could make it any worse. As I begun to sing I ran my hand up and down his back in a soothing manner.
Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way
Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me...
Almost as soon as it had all started it ended. Bucky sat fast asleep on top of me and I didn’t dare move. I would get up earlier in the morning to avoid the awkwardness.
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When I woke up the next morning I totally missed my mark. I sat in an empty bed where Bucky used to be. I sighed and walked out into the kitchen. There he was at the stove making scrambled eggs. My favorite mug was sitting on the counter filled with coffee.
“Hi” Bucky said shyly turning around to put his eggs on a plate.
“Hi,” I said back.
“I uh- I made you some coffee,” he said nodding towards my mug immediately casting his head down as if I were about to disapprove of the gesture.
“Thank you,” I said sitting down with it.
A silence ensued. Both of us knew what had happened last night but neither of us wanted to say anything. I wanted to tell him it was okay and that my heart went out to him. That he could always come to me. But the fact that we were still technically strangers silenced me.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Don’t be it happens to everyone,” I said.
“Not as frequently though,” he said sadly.
“Well don’t be ashamed, I know you don’t really know me but I’m always here for you if you need it,”
“Thank you,” he said with a small smile.
I have to admit part of me hoped he would want to see me again.
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The next time I heard from Bucky Barnes was when I got back from my run to find pink peonies sitting on my nightstand with a note scribbled in his handwriting.
I’m sorry again...thank you y/n.
-Bucky
I immediately changed and walked to the gym where I saw him training before I left. He has just finished up and was leaving.
“Thank you for the flowers,” I said.
“Oh-oh you’re welcome,” he said bashfully a red tint coming to his cheeks.
“I had to know,” I started “How did you know pink peonies were my favorite?”
“I uh- I asked Steve,” He said scratching the back of his neck “Sorry thats probably really creepy” he added embarrassed.
“No it’s not creepy, it’s sweet,” I said with a smile before walking towards the showers.
“Hey y/n can I ask you something?” Bucky said.
“Yes of course,”
“What was that song last night?” He said
“It’s called Moon River, it’s from my favorite movie Breakfast At Tiffany’s” I replied.
“Moon river,” he repeated to himself “I’ll remember that” he said walking towards his room.
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I didn’t hear from Bucky for three days after that. I had assumed that all was well until one night I was woken up by F.R.I.D.A.Y around 4am
“Miss l/n, it appears Mr. Barnes is in a high amount of distress. He is requesting your presence in his room.”
I threw off my covers and ran straight to his room. When I got there I expected to see him in the middle of another bad dream but instead he just sat straight up on his bed still semi tucked into the covers wearing only an old pair of sweats. He let out a sniffle and when I sat down next to him I could tell that he had not slept since the last time I spoke to him.
I reached my hand out to cup his face and he leaned into my touch and looked at me with the saddest eyes in the world. I got up and sat on his lap and pulled him into my chest thinking I could hug all the sad out of him.
“What happened?” I asked running a hand through his hair.
“I thought I could just listen to the song and it would put me to sleep that way I wouldn’t bother you. But it’s not the same if you don’t sing it to me,” He said wrapping his arms around me to keep me put.
“Come here,” I said lying down just like I did the first night and began singing to him.
When I was sure he was sound asleep I tried to wiggle out of his grasp so he could sleep more soundly. I almost succeeded when I felt Bucky stir.
“Please don’t go,” he said half asleep.
If there was one thing I couldn’t say no to it was Bucky Barnes.
So I climbed back into his bed and he instantly wrapped his arm around me only to rip it away.
“What’s wrong Buck?” I said.
“My metal arm. I don’t wanna hurt you,” he said sadly already turning around to face away from me.
“You won’t hurt me Buck I promise,” I said grabbing his metal arm and pulling him towards me again.
He didn’t protest he just rolled back over and wrapped his metal arm around me. The vibranium was cold but I didn’t mind because it reminded me that Bucky was with me.
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I woke up the next morning with the light of the sun on my face. I could hear Bucky’s steady breathing behind me. I peaked behind me to find he was still asleep.
I started getting out of bed only to have his hand clench around my waist. I giggled to myself and slowly pried his hand off getting out of bed. I stopped to look at him. He was so peaceful, this way despite the small look of disapproval that had subconsciously took over his face when I wiggled away from his grasp. I tip toed into the kitchen to start making breakfast.
I was on my last Mickey Mouse shaped pancake when I heard a familiar voice.
“I feel like I should be the one making you breakfast,” Bucky said walking towards the plate of bacon next to me and the stove.
“You had a rough night last night, and besides I felt like making Mickey pancakes,” I replied.
I put a plate together and handed it to him.
“Thanks doll,” he said blushing.
He sat down at the counter and all of the sudden the name he had just given me had sunk in leaving butterflies in my stomach.
“Doll?” I questioned.
“I’m uh... I’m sorry it slipped,” He said getting flustered.
“Don’t be sorry I liked it,” I smiled setting down my plate across from his.
I started eating a piece of bacon and then he got his courage to speak again.
“This is really good,” he started “Thank you again”
“Don’t mention it, I’d never pass up the opportunity to make Mickey pancakes. Disney is kinda my thing,”
“I remember when Snow White came out, Bambi too. I always liked Bambi better.” he said before taking another bite.
“Bambi is one of my favorite’s as well. You know when you go to an art gallery and look at a painting and try to imagine the world inside of it and the story inside that world? That’s what I think watching Bambi is like.” I said.
“I never thought of it like that,” he said.
We both shoved another enormous bite on our mouths
“You know, I’ve never actually seen Breakfast At Tiffany’s,” he confessed.
“It’s an older movie, not as old as you, but old” I joked.
“Ouch,” he smiled.
“Don’t worry Barnes, you look pretty good for an old man,” I said with a wink putting my plate in the sink and walking towards my room. “8 o’clock tonight”
“8 o’clock tonight for what?” he asked.
“Watching Breakfast At Tiffany’s of course!”
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From that night forward I had fallen head over heels for the soldier. Something about him just pulled me in and made me feel safe, made me feel like I had come home after being gone for years. We did everything together but Bucky was still shy with me at times. Never really opening up just always there beside me. The team made fun of him calling him my shadow. I never faulted him for it though. He might’ve been the one to always come find me and ask me what I was up to but in reality I was the one always hoping he would. Most nights he could make it through without needing me to save him from a nightmare but whenever he did I was always there to sing Moon River to him.
Two months passed and another one of my birthdays had arrived faster than I wanted it to. I was never a fan of birthdays. For me the whole experience was terribly awkward. Which would explain as to why I never let the team know.
I had gone most of the day being able to avoid everyone just in case, but I knew at some point a certain soldier would be knocking at my door and honestly I didn’t mind.
When that quiet little knock finally did come though I told him to come in. He walked in holding a box wrapped in yesterdays newspaper.
“Happy Birthday doll,” he said sitting down on the bed next to me handing me the box.
“Oh Bucky you shouldn’t have” I said giving him a hug.
“Natasha said I should’ve used prettier wrapping paper but I didn’t even know how to wrap a present let alone how to make it pretty and I really hope that’s okay-” he rambled.
“shhhh Bucky I love it already,” I said starting to tear the newspaper off.
Once I got all the paper off I opened the package and inside was a silver box shaped like a heart.
“Oh Bucky it’s-”
“I wanted to give you something from Tiffany but I couldn’t afford it,”He said sadly. “So I did the next best thing,” he said insinuating for me to open the box.
I lifted the silver lid and music started to play. It was a music box, a music box that played Moon River. The inside of the lid was engraved, it said ‘For my best girl’
Tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was.
“What is it doll? Do you not like it?” Bucky said anxiously.
“In all my years, no ones ever given me such a beautiful and thoughtful gift. Bucky I absolutely love it,” I said letting a few tears fall down my face.
“y/n, I love you,” He blurted out.
“Bucky I-”
“Wait that’s not on my script,” he started “y/n I love you. I love how you can never make regular pancakes because you think it’s a waste of batter to not make them look like Mickey Mouse. I love how you make me feel like I’m the only person in the world. I love how I miss you even when you’re just down the hall. I love how you help me understand technology without being condescending. I love how soft your skin is and how you always smell like vanilla and strawberries. I love how calm your voice is and how beautiful you look when the sunrises and you’re still asleep. I love how you always feel like home to me even when I haven’t felt that feeling since 1945. I love how two months ago when you heard me screaming you came in and took care of me even though you didn’t even know me. And I just- I love you! And I know I don’t deserve you and I know you must think I’m a fool, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer.” he said.
“Bucky, I love you too.” I smiled
“You do?” he asked stunned at my response.
“Of course I do! How could I not?” I laughed
“You’re not just saying this to make me happy right?”
“No Bucky I really do love you,” I beamed.
“Can I kiss you?” He asked.
“You better!”
Without another word he grabbed the back of my neck and connected our lips. It was everything I ever wanted it to be. He was soft and gentle, every word he said to me came to life in that kiss as his lips moved against mine. Before things got too heated we pulled apart.
“You’re mine?” He said pressing his forehead to mine smiling.
“All yours Barnes,” I said sealing my promise with a kiss.
PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT IF YOU LIKED IT! GETTING A FEEDBACK FROM YOU GUYS IS THE REASON I WRITE! I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED IT AS MUCH AS I LOVED WRITING IT! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! THANK YOU! STAY SAFE AND STAY HEALTHY <3
#Bucky Barnes#James Buchanan Bucky Barnes#bucky barnes x reader#Bucky angst#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes fluff#Sebastian Stan#sebastian stan x reader#sebastian stan angst#sebastian stan x you#bucky barnes x reader fluf
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well I’m obviously very fascinated by your writing process and I admire it a lot. So you should do the questions 1-4 which are obviously very process oriented. But I’m curious about 50 too 😜
MCCCC that’s so nice of you to say i’m gonna write “fascinated by your process” down in my book of favorite compliments waaah
OKAY HERE WE GO (edit: this got long NOBODY is obligated to read all of this)
1. Favorite place to write.
so i actually don’t get out much firstly because i am kind of a homebody and secondly because where i live there’s not really many places to go…we don’t have starbucks, we don’t have cafes or coffee shops in general, and the few we do have would be weird to just HANG OUT in unless i go to the local college campus and i’d never pass a student LOL so mostly what i do is just write at home. which is fine! my favorite place to write IS at home on my computer bc it’s where i can be most comfortable. i have written in different places (especially when i travel to visit buddies - i have written in a starbucks in dc, a parking garage in dc, the ferry that goes past the statue of liberty, a mall food court in sanfan…i have also written fanfiction on my phone while over at my grandparents place or on the computer in the high school library LOL) but when i’m in public 1. i can’t relax and so have a harder time getting into my zone 2. unless i have earbuds i cannot utilize MUSIC which is simply crucial to my Process™
2. Favorite part of writing.
this is a close tie between outlining and actually rough drafting. i do not and never will understand why all writer culture jokes are about writers not actually writing because i love to write?? writing is the best part of writing? when i really get going and knock out like 2k or 3k in a day that’s the best feeling in the world. i LIVE for that feeling. however i also REALLY enjoy outlining because it’s sort of like rough drafting without the extra work (i can just block things out w/o worrying about making them look pretty) and also the outlining process is where i run into and then solve most (not all, unfortunately…) of my plotholes. there is nothing in the world like trying to untangle a plot problem for hours or even days and then suddenly coming up with the PERFECT solution. that is a GOOD feeling.
3. Least favorite part of writing.
editing/rewriting can go straight to hell THANKS! i already wrote this once! i don’t want to do it again! i had to pause work on the current thing i am doing to go back and clean up a subplot that was finally coming to a head and it took me THREE WEEKS because thats how unenthusiastic i am about editing. i can never decide what needs cutting, it’s tedious to decide where to jump in and start rewriting new stuff, it’s too much work and to depressing to have to scrap a whole scene and start from scratch…i have a real problem killing my darlings (just ask @callowyn, who has been co-writing @cambionverse with me for nearly a DECADE - she knows the struggle). it makes editing hell
4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?
yes!! i have 3, a small one and 2 big ones.
small one is: i like to turn pomodoro on and have some sort of snack/beverage/gum nearby. this is to minimize distractions, firstly because if pomodoro is on i have to use my phone to access the internet which is not my preferred method and secondly because if i get momentarily bored i can stimulate my brain with like a sip of coke or a cheez-it or something and that will satisfy the momentary urge to get up and walk away a lot faster than picking up my phone to scroll social media will. then i can go back to work and not lose my momentum!
big rituals are FIRSTLY is that i always always ALWAYS have to block out a scene before i start. i talked about this on this blog before so i won’t repeat myself but the gist of this is that i basically write the entire scene in the ugliest shorthand possible and then “edit” it just like that - delete/add lines of conversation, switch things around, remove off-topic threads, etc. it’s easier to see “zoomed out” like this, more malleable, and i’m not attached to any pretty sentences or turns of phrase. it’s also EXTREMELY fast because once i get to actually drafting it i know exactly what i’m doing, i’m basically just transcribing my notes! i have written almost 7k in a single day with this method. i can absolutely fly
adn finally the most important ritual of all is that i have to be listening to music. there are some albums/songs i can listen to to write anything (mostly soundtracks) and that’s “writing music” but more often than not i pair a specific song or handful of songs with a specific scene, something that matches the “feel” of what i’m working on. if i’m really getting into it i might even go and play some ambient noise (like rain sounds during a rainy scene). this is actually especially helpful at triggering hyperfixation to get from feeling kind of “bleh” about something to absolutely enthralled with it. (edit: for especially long stories i MAKE PLAYLISTS i can tell you exactly which of these songs corresponds to which scene in my current project and i will never be able to disassociate the scenes from the songs so long as i live)
50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.
it’s @cambionverse! haha no that’s cheating, that was cally’s idea
actually i think most of my story ideas are a little on the cliche/predictable/tropey side bc that’s what i enjoy consuming. but i DO get weirdly obsessed with like, the most unimportant background characters or very off-the-wall rarepairs and then devolve straight into OC territory. and then when i was younger i would actually write fanfiction of my own fanfiction - so my first fanfic ever was a novelization of ocarina of time, and then when i was finished with that i actually went back and wrote stories about link’s parents before they died. i had a name and a backstory for that little deku kid (the butler’s son) in majora’s mask. ganondorf and nabooru had a daughter who featured as a main character. it was wild. i becomes absolutely obsessed with minute details and the longer i spend in a fictional world the more i branch out into utterly irrelevant shit. that said i think the WEIRDEST idea i ever wound up writing to fruition was a teen wolf fic that feature my teen wolf rarepair (which i don’t talk about on this blog BC I TRY TO KEEP IT SFW HERE but like…it’s on ao3 LOL) and in the sequel to that fic i spent about half the screentime talking about the death of an OC in one pf the characters’ pasts. ask me before i started and i would have said that sounds like the most boring shit in the world but i wrote almost 100k in that verse in 3 fics and i think it’s one of the better stories i’ve ever worked on solo.
(send me a writing ask)
#paty-ofarrell#liz answers asks#ASK MEMES#liz loves writing#writing#long post#THANK YOU FOR ALL THE ASKS YOU'RE AN ANGEL
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Shatter Me- Peter Parker x Starks Daughter! Reader
After the death of your father by the hands of Thanos, you are more than determined to risk everything to get the life you had before the Snap
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Hey lovelies! I’m so sorry it’s been so long since a story-I’ve just been so busy and hecktic with life! But hopefully I’ll be able to post more with summer vacation ☺️
Genre: Angst
Warning: mild cussing, some mentions of depression (not much, just some actions/ symptoms describe depression)
AU: Infinity War (but instead of Peter dying, Stark does)
Word Count: 2300
Also-sorry if this has wierd spacing, the mobile app of Tumblr is NOT enjoyable to use when trying to post a fic
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“Almost got it,” you mumbled, your mind completely overtaken on the task at hand. Your hands were sore and raw from working with the rough metal, the wires scratching your fingers, but you didn't cared.You didn’t care that you hadn’t eaten since yesterday. You didn’t care that you hadn’t talked to your friends, or your boyfriend Peter, in a month. You didn't care that you felt empty inside. That you had no life after what happened. That almost everything you loved was gone. Just getting it all back was what mattered to you.
You worked tirelessly in your dad’s old workshop, the Iron Man suits and parts laid around like he had last left it. It was yours now- well, until you got him back. All of them back.
The metal arm you were working on was almost complete, the exoskeleton reflecting your tired face. The dark circles around your eyes made you turn away, hating the world for giving you this momentous pain that you had to fix. The remaining Avengers had told you countless times that if you ever needed help, that they were there for you, that if you needed anything all you had to do was give them a call and they would show up. But what you really needed was your father-nobody could give you that except the monster that took it away from you.
And you knew they wouldn't help you with your plan try to defeat Thanos- you knew it was suicide to go on your own to defeat him- but you had to to at least try.
You continued to tinker on, not noticing the worried boy in the doorway. Peter stared at your arched back, your exhausted face, and wondered how he was going to even talk to you. Even though you and Peter were dating, you haven't called or seen him in weeks, and he just thought that maybe you were dealing with stuff beyond his control. Everyone mourns differently, he was dealing with it himself, but- he didnt realize it was this bad when Cap called him in. Now as he looked at you, he felt like he was staring at stranger; the snarky, smiling girl he once knew was seemingly lost in the ocean of grief she was quietly drowning in.
He knocked on the glass door, leaning on his shoulder to make it seem he was relaxed, but the clench in his jaw said otherwise.
Your head shot up, annoyance first riddled in you- but instantly disappearing once you realized Peter was the one that broke your concentration.
You brushed your hair out of the way, realizing you haven't washed it in a while.
“Hey,” you greeted aloud, your voice crackling a little from not using it in a while.
“Hey,” Peter repeated back. An awkward silence filled the room as you fumbled to tie up your hair in a quick bun. “Mind if I sit?” he asked, wondering how long you had been in here.
You shrugged your shoulders, and tried avoiding his gaze by inspecting a little bolt next to you.
Peter pulled up a chair next to you. “How are you holding up?” he asked, his voice laced with concern.
You shrugged again. Saying too much would make him scared- too little would do the same thing. “Not amazing,” you sighed, “but nobody really is after what happened.”
Peter stared down at his hands. “That's true.”
Another awkward pause filled the air. You hated this. All of this. Everything was going great before- you and Peter had just started dating, and you guys had the best relationship ever. Stark was completely fine with it, even though he acted like he was super protective, you being his daughter. You guys were inseparable, always together, always able to tell each other anything and everything. Now, you couldn't even look at each other without feeling awkward, without feeling like you were back to Square 1. Everything just seemed so backward and messed up now, it was hard to wrap your head around fixing it. But you had to.
You turned away from Peter, putting in the last few bits and pieces into the metal arm. It was a crude weapon, built off of one of the unfinished inventions of your dad’s.
Peter began to look around the room, the awkwardness making him worry more. You used to be so bubbly and full of life, but now you had drawn into yourself, a shell of who you were. Peter didn't know how to bring you back out.
He looked around the workshop, noticing the disarray. There were objects everywhere, broken parts scattered on the floor, a makeshift bed in the corner, notes and paper strewn on different tables. He passed a desk, noticing the writing on the paper as yours. He picked it up, glancing up to see if you were watching. You were so intent in your thoughts, you didn't even notice Peter’s body leaving your side. He tentatively looked back at paper and at the words, the gibberious making him confused- all it talked about was about some weapon and the parts it needed. He turned the page, watching again to see if you were paying attention to him sneaking in your belongings before he looked. Once Peter finally looked down, he felt his heart sink- you had drafted up a replica of an Iron Man suit, with notes on the side for space travel. He looked at the notes in confusion, wondering why you would be go into space, until it hit him- your quiet moodiness, your concentration for building, your absence in any type of life outside you dad’s workshop. He realized you wanted revenge on your dad’s death.
He looked around, his heart beating frantically. Being Stark’s daughter, you were incredibly smart, so he didn't put it past you to make an Iron Man Suit, no less finish it in a month. He set down the paper as if it were a bomb about to ignite, and turned around, trying to see if you had finished the suit and left it somewhere. He had to see it for himself-he couldn’t believe that you would risk yourself so dangerously like this.
He began to walk again, looking for anything that resembled your drawing, until he came upon a tall object draped over with a brown tarp in a dimly light part of the workshop.
You looked up, the sound of Peter’s footsteps beginning to echo, which made your nerves tingle in annoyance. You loved Peter, you truly did, but right now, he was ruining valuable progress and wasting precious time. You watched him walk around the lab. You hoped that he didn’t realize what you were planning, and you lied to yourself that he didn’t. But deep down, you knew your deep connection with him was still there-he figured it all out before you even said a word.
You kept watching him, sadness turning into horror as you helplessly sat and watched as he raised a corner of the tarp-the tarp that hide your massive plan-and began to yell at him to stop. Instead, he ripped it off to reveal what you had been working on- a crude version of a Iron Man suit.
“Holy crap,” Peter breathed out in shock, his eyes wide as he looked at your guilty face.
He looked between you and the suit. “Did you…?” he asked hesitantly, pointing at it.
“I didn't exactly build it,” you said, answering his question sheeplessly. “They’re pieces of my Dad’s suits that he never really finished. I just pieced them together to make,” you raised your hand at your creation, “this.” Your hand came down, slapping your outer thigh,the sound ringing in the silence as Peter gawked and you sat back wearily,waiting for his reaction.
He swallowed, looking back at your creation. “So does it really work like an Iron Man suit?” He didn't want to ask you straight out your plans, because he didn't want you getting angry at him for snooping in your things. But leading you to saying it sounded a little better than being blunt at that moment.
“I dont know for sure,” you explained, your hands shaking, “but it should. I've learned enough from my dad just watching him make his suits. It took me forever though, and it's definitely not like his suits- its not as sturdy, but it should be okay if the power source is not tampered with. If thats broken,” you laughed sarcastically, “all hell breaks loose in it.”
“How do you know that?” he asked curiously, his arms folding in front of them stiffly.
“Well,” you smiled a little, “ I tried to readjust the router through the chest on time- thats were it at- and I got shot across the room like a rag doll.”
You two laughed, it being a little forced, but the air felt so strange that any type of dry humor was appreciated. You guys felt like total strangers, yet you knew each other’s secrets- Peter being a superhero, you at the moment, building a massively technological machine under cover for the past month.
But after the little bit of light heartedness it went back to tension and awkwardness.
Peter stuffed his hands into his pockets. “This is really- intuitive- and amazing y/n,” he smiled with concern, “but why?”
You sighed, dreading the question you knew he would ask. You looked down into your lap, rubbing the red mark on your thigh.
“My father died Peter. And almost everyone he knew, and I knew, are gone.Nobody has tried to do anything. Everyone's giving up. And nobody wants to try to fix this mess except me. So this is how I'm going to fix it”
Peter listened to you, scared at what you said. He was hoping that maybe this was a joke, that you werent really planning to go out and get revenge, but you were. Peter stared at you, trying to read your emotions. He had never seen you like this- so low yet so determined at the same time- and he was worried for you. terrified.
“What are you planning y/n?” he asked, his brown eyes boring into yours.
You looked back at your work table. “Nothing, Peter.”
‘Its doesnt look like nothing, though.”
“It's nothing.” you said with force, frustration spilling out.
“If you don't tell me y/n, Im going to tell the Avengers.”
“Like they care!” you spat angrily at him. “Like they ever cared! Ive been down here for God knows how long, trying to get back the life I had, trying to fix everything, and they havent done jack shit”
You knew everything you were saying was false and wrong. Natasha had been the one bringing you food and made you the make shift bed you sleep and eat in. Steve came to ask if you needed to talk every Friday without fail. Rhodey gave you the news that your father died, and gave Peoper and you his mask-and hugged you as you cried from the shock of losing your father. They did care and they were trying-it just felt good to yell at something, anything. You were angry that you didn’t have your father, and you were impatient for everything to be back as it was.
You shook your head, anger raditating off your body.
“Absolutely nothing! they haven't figured out a damn plan either. And if they had, they haven't let me in the loop.”
“Y/n their going to fix this,” Peter tried to reason.
“No. I'm going to fix this.”
Peter stared at you in disbelief, not really knowing you anymore. You were never this lost in your own head. He understood you were going through a lot of pain, but going after Thanos was usicide.
Peter stared at the contraption, contemplating what to do.
“Nobody has thought of a new plan,” you continued, “it's time for a change. Im sick of waking up every morning, and realizing everyone is gone. Im sick of waking up and feeling guilty- Like I couldve done something.”
“ I shouldve done something.” you said, almost saying it to yourself.
Peter felt empathy swarming his body. How could he tell you he felt the same way?
“But, y/n- you couldn't have done anything that day. None of us could- we all tried our best.”
“Really?” you countered angrily. “I did shit- I literally stayed home and watch my dad fly onto that weird spaceship. I watched you leave. Did I leave? No. You know why?
Tears began to brim in your eyes, your lids binking rapidly to hold them back.
“You know why?” you repeated, your tone getting smaller as your voice cracked, “because I was scared. You breathed out heavily, letting that new realization hit you like a ton of bricks. You didn’t want to admit this to yourself, but it was true to you. The day Thanos and his warriors came, you stayed back. The one time your dad yelled at you to stay back, you listened. You never listened to your dad-you always were the first to fly in and help save the day. But the one time your dad truly needed you, the one time the whole universe needed help, you didn’t do that. Seeing those aliens and that ships freaked you out- you were terrified you’d actually lose your life that time. And because of that, you didn’t die-but your dad was gone. You worked tirelessly every day to keep that evil secret away from your mind because it was too hard to come face to face with-now you had to work to fix that fatal mistake.
“I was scared because I had no idea what to do. I wanted to help, but I was too selfish about my own safety. I could have grabbed one of my Dads suits. I couldve flew up there with you guys. I could've helped. But I didn't.”
You looked up shaking your head, your lips pursed as you tred to will your body to hold back the tears.
Peter walked to you, his arms open and welcoming, but his expression full of pain. Every day he felt the same pain- that he could’ve done something more to save everyone he loved. It was the worst pain he ever felt in his life- it ate his insides, anytime it was quiet, anytime he allowed himself to relax; that guilt and sorrow and hate for his actions at that time ate his insides until he felt like screaming. Some days were better than others, and he'd been learning to cope with it. But he just never realized you were dealing with the same thing. And so much of it.
You looked at Peter, your lips quivering as a single tear spilled onto your cheeks. You looked down at your hands, terrified that talking more to Peter would make you break down. You had broken down so much in the last month that you thought that one more would destroy you.
Peter knelt down, eye level to you, sweeping the hair out of your face that was curtaining off your tear stained cheeks.
“Its okay, y/n,” peter said softly, “Youre okay.”
You looked up, your eyes full of pain. You shook your head, chuckling sarcastically as your smile quivered.
“Im not,” you whispered out of your throat, your voice tight with the effort of keeping yourself together. To not cry. To not show that life was really messing you up right now.
Peter wrapped his arms around you, the purity of the embrace and the warmth of his body making your shoulders shudder harder, your hiccups louder, your heart hurt more and less at the same time as you wrapped your arms around him. The waves of tears wracked your body,one after aother, the pain making you hurt. You grabbed the back of his shirt, the fabric balled up into your fist as you let all your emotions leave your body.
‘Its okay y/n,” Peter whispered, his voice low and soothing, “eveyrthing’s going to be okay. I know you wont believe me right now, but- youre going to be okay.”
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Requests open! If you’d like, Check the blurb list and send me a # and I’ll do your request as soon as possible!
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Taggings:
@accioparker @fratboievans @grandmascottlang @gayuwuenergy @flying-roomba @galaxy-parker @hollandroos @honeymoonparker @hazsterfield @itsholyholland @jupiterparker @naturallytom @revengingbarnes @starksparker @underoosstark @uglypastels @underoos-shield @petersshirts
If you want to tagged, please msg me! I’m happy to tag you in all future fics!
@just4muggles
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Happy a great night (or day) lovelies! I’ll see you in the next fic ❤️
#marvel#mcu#peter parker x reader#spiderman x reader#peter parker#spiderman#tom holland x reader#peter parker x y/n#peter parker x you#marvel spiderman#spiderman homecoming#spiderman imagine#spiderman angst#spiderman fic#shatter me#spiderman one shot#peter parker tom holland#tom holland spiderman#spiderman x y/n#peter parker x s/o#marvel spiderman x reader
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Broken - [Yoongi x BPD!Reader]
requested: by @edgythiccboi (request is pictured above)
a/n: long overdue and with about the most rough drafts ive ever written for something, its finally here! i hope you enjoy and it takes your mind off of some of the hurt from your past and present. know that the whole of the bpd/ptsd community knows what you're going through and supports you (even though we're all just a bunch of bamboozled and 3dgy kids)
warnings: quite realistic description of a bpd episode, tiny self harm mention, some splitting, self deprecation (it ends in fluff i promise)
-ghost mod alex
-hollowed lungs took struggling breaths in the condensed room, steam and water droplets covering every surface like a disease, a disease from which you could not get away from. you sat on the edge of the bathtub, wheezing into seemingly nothing, chest heaving as you strained against invisible bonds, tying you to the tub, restraining you in your own mind, a prisoner of war against your past.
-a familiar pounding in your head clouded your thoughts, and you could feel yourself spiraling through various personas, each personality you'd tailored for everyone in your life; it hurt too much, it felt like you were being pulled in a hundred different directions.
-who were you today? the bubbly friendly girl in the back of the class? the dark, almost suspiciously angry person, hiding in the shadows? maybe just a quick witted friend, always there with a funny rebuttal, making everyone laugh but yourself. what was the point of "being yourself," and "living life," when you didn't even know who that person was? that person you could have grown into died that day, the day,,, the day it happened.
-you'd been lucky enough to have survived, to live to today, but what was the point of it all really?
-you stared at your shaking hands, and for a second you see blood, draining you of your life as all you can do is sit there and watch; but you blink and its gone, only a thin white line serving as a memory.
-you'd promised him you'd never hurt yourself again, and a part of you knew that you should call to him, for he was only in the other room, no doubt writing another extraordinary song. he was always so smart, so sure of himself and an absolute genius. it wasn't an exaggeration when people complimented him on his music, it came naturally to him, he had a passion and he pursued it.
-unlike you.
-who were you but a stain on his life? he'd be better off without you anyway.
-a wave of rage came over you, and all you could see was red, red red red. How dare he not notice how in pain you were, not be here to comfort you and take care? Did he not care? was it all just a joke to him? did he even...did he even love you?
-you felt yourself spiraling further, physically bending over to the point of pain, the muscles in your lower back stretched from the lack of support. tears had started to pool in your open hands, and staring at them blankly you were only vaguely aware of choked sobs reaching out the doorway, small whimpers mixed in with cries as you tried to feel anything beside the pain.
-a small knock distracts you, cautious and questioning, and you know immediately that its yoongi. yoongi your sweet angel, the one who always made you laugh when you were feeling down, played card games with you when you needed a distraction, sung to you when you couldn't sleep, kissed your tears away no matter how many times they fell. you didn't say anything, rather let him open the door himself to see you sitting there hunched over, looking up at him with puffy eyes.
-he assessed the damage first, scanning the bathroom for anything sharp, any blood or a wad of suspiciously thick toilet paper shoved forcibly into the trash can. upon seeing nothing of the sort his eyes soften, seeing you in your fragile state. he never thought anything less of you, in fact he always thought you were so brave to be alive, to still be fighting after all you'd been through. you were a pair of survivors, people who bonded not only over trivial things like favourite band and your shared humor, but the experiences the two of you had gone through added an extra layer of understanding to the relationship.
-he sits next to you quietly, letting you take a breath before speaking, his voice softer than usual, and yet still with edges of his usual roughness, but he's kind. He looks at you, and you can tell it's taking him all of his energy to not to reach to your face, wiping away your tears and holding you in a tight embrace. he knew the drill, and his main priority was your comfort.
- "can I hug you?"
-it's a small thing, but it's enough to bring you back to tears as you nod shyly, too afraid to speak. you close your eyes and you can feel his arms wrap around you, holding you securely close to his chest, steady rhythm of his heart beating against your own chest like a metronome. steady, present, there. he's whispering tiny comforts to you, affirmations of his love and your worth, that everything was going to be okay. you lean into his touch, closing your eyes hesitantly as your head falls on his shoulder, hiding in the crook of his neck.
-he smells fresh, faint smell of laundry detergent intermingled with his pine shampoo, and something else; he smells like home, the smooth cotton of his plain black shirt on his thin frame under your fingers just adding to the notion of comfort, and your own sobs cant help but die down, calming under his soothing presence. you start registering his voice, his hand tracing soothing circles on your upper back.
- "it's okay," you hear him say, "you're going to be okay. it's over now baby, nothing can hurt you.. i love you so much... i wont let anything bad happen to you.. it's okay... you're going to be okay..."
-his voice drills a hole in your chest, striking a cord and unable to get it out as you struggle to catch your breath. He pulls away, making sure you see where his hands are clearly before cupping your cheeks, stroking away any stray tears. he examines your face soundlessly, giving you a chance to speak if you so choose. you study him right back; he looks tired, like he hadn't slept in a while, soft hair a very definitely natural shade of silver. He saw you revisiting the dark circles under his eyes with your own, and as if reading your thoughts he replies, "work has been a bit long, nothing else princess."
-you open your mouth to make a counterclaim, but he cuts you off gently, "I promise," he says, and yet you struggle to believe him.
-a small pause settles over the two of you, and you could see his sincerity in his words, mirrored by the gaze that falls upon you. sweet kind yoongi with his easily irritable self and cutting humor, his stoic side and his adorable smile which you swear could light rooms.
-did you really deserve him? how could someone as amazing as him be in love with someone like you? Even as you began to speak, you could already feel the guilt washing over you, shame at the notion of manipulation as you asked,
-“Why do you love me?”
-yoongi smiles, just the tiniest bit as he pulls you closer to him, kissing your forehead, taking your hand in his before responding, “why do i love you? ah well thats a complicated question with too many answers,” he looks at you, hoping to notice a change in your expression, but seeing no results he presses on, “I love you because you’re you, because you get up every morning and face the world even though its told you repeatedly to stand down,” he brushes a stray hair behind your ear as he goes on, carefully as to not set you off in some way, “I love you because even though you’re characterized by a mental illness thats seen as horrible and dark you constantly show up with your brightest smile and kindness in hand, and theres never been a day where being by your side hasn’t been a gift. I love you because of the way you’re attentive, how kind you are to complete strangers, your smile when you think no ones looking. the way you doodle in the corners of my lyrics sheet and fall asleep next to me at the studio when im up late working.”
-he shifts, fully facing you, tilting your chin up so you’re looking him directly in the eyes, piercing into your soul, trying to bring back any piece of hope you have to the surface, “I love you because theres that insatiable force pulling us together,” he playfully tugs on your arm, earning a teary chuckle from you as you look away, feeling the tears start up again. damn him and his talent with words.
-he’s just saying that because you asked him that
-your brain, a genius
-guilt courses through you at his words, a stab to the heart marred by the sweet tone of lies. this was manipulation. great. you’d manipulated your way to validation was an excellent girlfriend you were, truly inspiring. You feel the headache start up again, but yoongi catches you, placing his hands firmly where your shoulders connect to your neck, seriousness overcoming him as he cuts off your thoughts, sword at the ready, “I’m a logical person y/n, you know this, you say this to me all the time, and I wouldn’t have said any of this if it weren't true.”
-he searches your expression for anything, a twitch or a change, and is surprised to have you curl up in his arms, burying your face in his chest as you breathe for seemingly the first time since the conversation started, letting a full sigh as you try to clear your head, willing to pay anything to just believe his words. yoongi pulls away, hand running softly through your hair as he admires you. he slowly leans in for a small kiss, not passionate, leading to nothing, but just a kiss to let you know he’s there, and he’s not going anywhere and for now, just knowing he’s here is enough
-after what seems like forever of him holding you, the rim of the tub digging into your thighs, he presses a gentle kiss on your temple, intertwining your fingers with his before he stands up, extending his free arm to help you up. “come on princess, lets go to sleep,” is all he says.
#yoongi#yoongi x you#yoongi x reader#yoongi scenarios#bts#bts reactions#bts scenarios#bts fanfction#bts suga#min yoonji#min yoongi#suga#suga x reader#suga x you#agustd#bangtan#bpd#bpd comfort#actually bpd#ptsd#actually ptsd#suga scenario#yoongi reactions#did i accidentally trigger myself writing this? yes#did i split on everyone? still yes#was it worth it? also yes
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My messy week recap and me panicking also there’s a max word limit and i hit it :)
So i like my friends, but i have this one friend that can get really loud and she sits right beside me at lunch? and when im tired/sensory sensitive it can be really, lets just say panic inducing? I feel really bad since its a big group and people see me going to cover my ears sometimes or flinching and i don’t want them to think im faking it? or being rude? I got here this year, im new and my god am I so worried about having everyone hate me and being alone again. But everyone is so nice and i don’t, I can’t with emotions? i have empathy problems already so im not very good to talk to about things of that nature so I try not to stress anyone else out over my problems but everything boils over? which is why im writing all my rant here, i really wish i didn’t have to have a separate blog for my shit that sucks, I like my friends but thats too personal and i feel like continuing to rant on my main would seem like im begging for attention, I run the risk of this now, before i had like 3 friends not even now i have way more and its, a whole deal. I play dnd and we’re splitting into two different campaigns and the DMs both wanted me in their campaign! tho this might’ve been one of them saying that since neither of them wanted me? god im, overthinking everything im so stressed? sorry if you see this and you know me irl btw. I have so many things to do, i like social studies! its the only class i answer questions in and my teacher is really nice, I did a rough draft of my character? A pirate bard. My blanket is really soft even if the tag is somehow always in my face and my dry hands catch on the fluffy part, my dogs and i had a nap after school, I finally brushed my hair after having it in a bun for weeks, might go to bed early ish and be generally happy tomorrow morning, the only part of me hurting is my forearms when i streach them and my foot when i flex it! I get to wear mostly yellow tomorrow for a dance prefomance. A guy in my drama class keeps making eye contact with me, does he think i look bad? is he judging me whst am i doing wrong? should i stop smiling so much ik i look weird when i smile sometimes maybe my laugh is ugly or maybe i need to stop stimming? is it because im new? but theres another new girl and i don’t think he stares at her? I keep on trying to get people to tell me wtf is up but? people say im like, attractive and like sure but he’s friends with two of the prettiest girls at the school i don’t think he’s staring at me cause im like mildly cute? No somethings up, I act more like myself in drama since im normally free to fidget/stim (i forgoing which one is for adhd?) and my favourite is rocking, maybe i should try to stop? i’ll test it out next class maybe. Also in drama my friend put a blanket over me and i think it was an invitation to sit next to her and like, be near her but than she kept on slowly moving back? and i tested and moved back a bit she moved more im?? so confused what did i do, im not sure. I feel like i might have more thsn just ADHD? sometimes i feel like i don’t have ADHD and im just lazy and anoying and stupid but, i do things and i don’t think it’s normal for people with only adhd. The guy i keep making eye contact with is very tall and very funny he kept on making dad jokes and my friend kept on making puns and i was almost crying. I really want to have a crush, there are two really nice guys in my dnd group?? who willingly touch me without expecting me to initiate first which im always anxious about doing, but they’re both really nice and god i haven’t been like, properly held since i was like 10 (or like a month ago but i was half asleep and sobbing doesn’t count) and they’re always warm and its very nice. I wish i had classes with them but only dnd. I hate my body and we have to dance but the dnd room is starting to be realky full and i don’t know some people i might fake an injury or drag everyone somewhere else to practice since i cant with the noise and the eyes its too much. But i really wanna spend the time i have with my friends not practicing a thing. theres max word??
#adhd#actuallyadhd#rant#ik i like reading about random peoples shit so here#if you like hard to follow rants im your gal#rants!
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