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primaviva · 7 months

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my experience with rashad.

tw: racism, use of the n-slur (hard r for context) proceed with these things in mind and also don’t go and bring him attention by going to his page as he should not be on the internet for his own peace and everyone else’s. this is going to be long and have a lot of receipts/descriptions. do not send him shit on my behalf i ain’t move like that.

before i start, i want it to be clear that this is not confirmed. however, he has a history of doing fake anons to himself and to his (ex) moots from what i learned to either start drama, topics, or fw them so he can act as a supporter or victim if he sent the anon to himself. and this is NOT me jumping on the rashad toxic gossip train of tumblr 2023 but this type of behavior is disgusting and inexcusable. i am very convinced that it was him and want to share it to you all while leaving it open to criticism and speculation but PLEASE be careful and pick up the warning signs with these people from everyone coming out with stories about him.

now let’s get tf into it cus it’s a lot…

me snd rashad became moots after he noticed me like a post of his i think. his first inbox to me was him trying to do self promo for a fic of his he was writing which i thought was odd and a little weird so i ignored it but he ended up continuing to inbox me random things (which i don’t generally mind) so we ended up building some mutual association or sum on here.

however, around 9-10 days ago, rashad had got “sent” something in his inbox about afro latinos. this was the ask:

now, i am not going to invalidate afro latinos who have experienced this. as a latino, i have experienced prejudice but that is never comparable to a black latino or a black person in general who is mixed/has another ethnic group of origin. these things are said to people and have been said to me in a different context. however, this ask was directly after he had posted it and on top of that it simply is not something someone would say as an ask. i don’t know how to describe it, but it’s too directed, crafted in a way that it’s wording seems like someone trying to be racist, and so on. we had never talked one on one either so i was confused when i first saw he had tagged me in a post since i hadn’t seen what it was about yet. i don’t know how to describe it but there’s something in the wording and just the context of it all that made this ask so in genuine almost as if it was something he had asked himself on another account.

this was me tagged in it:

i of course reblogged and said my peace and now disgusting and ignorant it was because afro latinos are a minority even in their own community because of generationally taught racism from colonization and just our traditional way of life and teaching stripped from us and our culture. but at the time, i had no idea of his “track record” of doing this type of thing or even the drama he was getting messy with behind what everyone knew of him.

i wanna say this as it’s very important as to what i have to show next. i am not black. i have never stated that and my day one followers and moots know that i have black family and in fact most of my relatives are afro latino but i, myself, am a lightskin latina which is something i feel i have always made known at least in sum damn context clues. i also want to add that this took place september 18th and that’s alway really important to the story.

ok now lemme get into why this is even a post.

shortly after this, i had gotten sick and ended up going on a break from just the internet in general because i needed to rest my ass up before even doin a thing like school and writing n allat. i was gone for around 3-4 days. so this post was long “old” or at least not being seen by anyone. and the thing is my spam posts never get hella reblogs unless i add hashtags or say something that makes everyone and they mama wanna join in on the conversation. so tell me why, exactly three days later, around the day i came back, i receive this in my inbox:

what the fuck is this? like genuinely.

i had not seen this the first day i came back because my inbox was flooded with my actives rambling to me, compliments, requests, etc until yesterday morning when i was taking the time to reply to some stuff and it had come up. i was gagged like this language was so vile, nasty, ignorant, and dumb as fuck. why? for starters, i am not afro latino or black. me and others believe that rashad was under the impression that by the few posts he saw of me talking about the issue that he just assumed i was afro latino as well. i am not and people that follow me from long before all this know that.

and like let’s really read the text and what it says because it’s speaking about black latinos not being latino because they have no “true” spanish or indigenous blood, which is something that this man is always talking about and presents, to me, as an insecurity (a valid one DONT get it twisted) as a afro latino. he, or “anon,” goes on to call me the n word with the hard r multiple times and tells me i should have stayed a slave and then goes on to bring up taino ancestors (my ancestors) which i just found beyond disrespectful and crossing a big ass fucking line. im not sure if im describing this well, but just by the way that these anon asks are worded they seem very “fake” as in not that this couldn’t happen or hasn’t been told to anyone, but it doesn’t feel organic and just feels like forced racist comics to give you content.

he also texted me for the first time in tumblr dms the same day as this post or the day after the ask was sent to me, i believe, so coincidence or not …

i am 85% sure this is rashad.

to me, it feels like he did this as a way to maybe validate how he feels as a afro latino with other mixed latin im him since afro latinos face so much prejudice. however, to seek validation by doing an anon to yourself about your own post to get others to hype you up and validate YOUR ethnicity is completely unhealthy especially in this way. THIS was vile. THIS was uncalled for and beyond einstein level comprehension skills. THIS is inappropriate and a sign you shouldn’t be on tumblr.

rashad has been involved in a lot of drama public and not and has a constant thing to blame it on his “episodes” and such. while i think that self diagnosing is valid because people, especially poc, can’t get proper mental care rn, to state it as a fact is something that self diagnosers do not do and acknowledge it isn’t right. even so, it is not valid to blame bad behavior on your mental health. and even if you did “take accountability,” in your so called apologies rashad, you go from saying you don’t use your mental health as an excuse but at the same time use it in that context for why you shouldn’t get hate and we should all stop criticizing you and your actions because it should all be forgivable in a way where we can just move on with no consequences.

yes, rashad does suffer from mental illnesses or some type/types of mental issues whether they are underlying or not but the problem is that the internet is literally his scapegoat from this and is feeding into his problems which is why he does the anons, the posts putting people on blast, etc. if you have not seen he has taken this drama from tumblr to discord to instagram. but it is clear he does not feel any microscopic ounce of guilt or genuine sorry in this specific situation. he says he’s “acting like the big person” but goes to attack people who tried to talk some sense into him in his petty onika miraj type posts sayin shit about shoving ice dildos into peoples puss puss and sneak dissin mfs who have a right to see what he’s doing when he is continuing to be petty in the heat of this whole thing by talkin abt people.

he’s struggling with so much and the internet is not for him and it shows in the way he handles confrontation, parasocial relations w people online, and how he copes with his issues by running to tumblr or any other social media. he has stated before he is an ex manipulator and so on and a place like this is not where he needs to be. so do not feed into the anons he sends, do not feed into the petty and compulsive posts he puts together, and just don’t interact with him. he needs to find his own inner peace on some preacher to the church type shit like this a tyler perry movie and not effect those around him with his own internal mess.

so don’t take this as me trying to like ride off this situation or just me saying these things just because all my moots or in it and i wanna be involved on some nosy bitch shit. but something like this is very serious and i was gonna be quiet on my suspicion but something as disgusting as this being said to me and not put on some blast by my classy ass just didn’t feel right. do not go to his page like he his “gone” just take this in a way to educate yourself on the typa person he is and as an example of why you shouldn’t get emotionally attacked to the internet or get involved with people like this.

pay attention to how ppl act and the red flags so you can just cut them off and save y’all both the “i survived” trauma. again, this isn’t confirmed (the racism post) because i have no way to prove it but he has a history of it and i just wanted to come out with this because it made me uncomfortable and disgusted.

NOT EVERYTHING IS FOR THE INTERNET !

#🪷 — dalia’s spam #i don’t know what to tag this but just read w an open mind #some people need to stay off the internet for they own benefit #let war be OVER

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rawbbpreferred · 1 year

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Okay. Going to just get it all out there now. I was brought up in a town where the only biracial couple was scorned. Tweaked out for years, still do, got caught up with the white supremacist crowd...as a 'fuck you' my Uncle used to say "go suck a dat n****r dick" to a lot of people we knew. This account is dedicated to all of the immoral, delinquent, sometimes illegal, but always pleasurable (to someone) things. No limits. Any questions answered. I'm into:

Creampies

Breeding

Black Men (I am your cum bucket - Perris, CA DM)

Incest

Anonymous Sexual Encounters

Impregnation

Cheating

Cuckold

Raceplay

Humiliation for (being a faggot, loving n* cock, cheating with men)

Gangbangs

Gloryholes

Darkest:

Open Family

Young

Rape/forced

Stealth (breeding, impregnation, pozzing)

Pozzing, gift (giving/rec)

And my current thought:

I am having the biggest crush on this thin, smart, 19 year old black...he's a kid, he said I was hot (I had to clarify 😀 for sure!). He is about the same age as my oldest daughter and has some incredible vocabulary and extensively intimate posts. He's the opposite of the stereotype I tend to sexualize, and has a stance that I don't disagree with - racism is wrong. I don't ever want to make someone uncomfortable, but in my mind I am bbc owned, we are a BBC owned couple, and I told my special friend I wouldn't cease breeding her until successful.

I am so spazzed he's gonna lose interest, he's "learning to please women" and makes me feel like a horny little school girl...I fucking love it. The last time I felt this way and a guy showed interest it failed miserably when my then 19-year-old fuck buddy knocked on the front door and made my then fiancee uncomfortable with my needs as a total bottom who cross-dresses and chased attention from guys. I cheated with this guy and got caught, it was the one occasion she meant calling me fag(got) in anger. I love submitting and hearing terrible raunchy shit while playing sometimes...that one is a favorite; I felt so small at that moment.

Seriously, this guy is hung. He (allegedly) cums a lot, Jamie forgot to take her pill until day 3 after getting bred with a 3 week load, I got a hard on when she told me in a panic. I'm ok with this guy. I *really* like him rn. I want to befriend him and experiment extensively, without fear of judgement or ridicule. I don't know that he fits the role, but he's cute, black, and willing to cum inside me and Jamie.

I don't 'see him as a bbc' or anything racist at all. I get off on it because I was always told being a faggot was bad, n****rs are the worst people on earth...and God forbid a relationship with them...and you know what, dude...this guy's probably smart asf and potent to boot. I don't want to offend him, make anything exclusive (necessarily). His skin tone, large cock, geeky (omfg I've never been so sprung), he's got Hella sex drive...and he said I was hot! Dude I was shot out. She was burned out. If he wants us like that I have been looking for exactly that - ugh! I don't want to fuck anything up.

My want? Jamie to be taken care of, experiences and sexual boundaries expanded and eliminated for all of us. I want to be intimate with a guy. Jamie will get jealous and things could all come to a halt. She's down to do anything and so am I, but she's scared of me leaving. I want to experience this completely and am willing to definitely sneak around with a friend who would come over often and even overnight. Someone who found some attraction to us. I want her happy, satisfied, and full of cum; oh. And to work out this lust. I want to feel that desire.

RawBbPreffered

#str8fag #makemegay #cheatinghusband #faggothusband #im a faggot #anon

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shitsndgiggles03 · 3 years

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I'm re-reading the harry potter books and i'm like half way through ootp but I would just like to say that there are characters who I thought I didn't hate that much but I now despise so i'd thought i'd give you all a wee run down. so here we go -

Certain Harry Potter characters and my honest opinion on them:

Severus Snape: I have always been anti Snape myself and never really liked him even after the whole 'Harry i'm good but only cause I thought your mum was fit' thing but he is just so so awful I actually can't stand it. His blatant bias towards Slytherin drives me right up the wall and the way he treats students frankly shouldn't be allowed. See when he told Hermione that he didn't see a difference in her teeth after they got jinxed? straight up punched the book. not joking. His behaviour is abysmal and idc if he stood up for Harty like twice, he will forever be a permanent fixture in my bad books. He does have unexplainable dilf energy though which makes it a very strange experience to read.

Draco Malfoy: After spending some time on tictok I had somehow come to the conclusion that Draco wasn't that terrible but re reading these books is like a whole new experience. Let's just say that if I was at Hogwarts at all, this boy would be getting punched 24/7. He so vile to everyone around him and the whole 'weasley is our king' thing should never have been allowed, I was personally very glad when Harry and George attacked him. Also, side note - the really need better group discipline at Hogwarts cause the whole mob mentality thing they have going on is not it. I'll admit that Draco gets better later on - Not selling Harry to the evil wizard was highlight - but nothing will ever let me get passed just how horrid he is.

Professor Umbridge: ooooooo, now I knew I hated Umbridge but re reading the fifth book right now I can proudly say that I have never wanted someone to be on the floor dead than I do with this excuse for a human.

Pansy Parkinson: racist ass bitch. When she called Angelinas braids 'worms' I actually wanted a full on brawl. If I ever manage to shift, I know who i'm heading straight for. Also, can she not shriek for like two seconds? I swear, she needs a better laugh cause if I have to read that she shrieked at some lousy insult that malfoy thought was funny one more time I will actually loose it.

Crabbe and Goyle: desperately need a life

The Patil twins: absolute icons, I will have NO Padma and Parvati Patil slander anywhere near me whatsoever.

Dumbledore: I'm personally quite neutral on the whole 'Dumbledore- good or evil' thing but I will say two things on the matter. On one hand - Harry was obviously blinded by his obvious daddy issues whenever Dumbledore came up but on the other he did make me feel safe when reading the books so take from that what you will. I do think though that he needs to do a better job with teachers in the school and dealing with bullying.

Queen Minerva: Deserves the world. Arguably the best teacher at hogwarts and doesn't take any of Umbridge's shit. Icon if I ever saw one. She is a stable figure for Harry and treats all students the same from every house unlike other teachers *cough snape* and she's always right. Like no matter what. Minerva McGonagall could tell me that 2+1=7 and i'd believe her.

Cho Chang: I will absolutely, and without fear, fight ANYONE who dares to come for this girl. She not only was hella cool and also so friendly but was also not afraid to kick ass. I feel like Joanne wrote Cho so real (even though it was so obviously accidentally cause miss joanne can't write women for the life of her) and she just resonated with me so much. Like the way she mourned, the way she'd act around Harry when she liked him was just so .. me? And i will stand by this girl till the day I die. Period.

#harry potter #severus snape #professor snape #draco malfoy #dolores jane umbridge #professor umbridge #pansy parkinson #crabbe and goyle #parvati patil #padma patil #dumbledore #professor mcgonagall #minerva mcgonagall #cho chang

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ourlordapollo · 2 years

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Tagged by @shinekittenace (thank you!)

The game is a little long and I ramble a lot so. Read more.

I tag @piningforthefords @oftincturedwords @kyokyo866 (no blank, sorry)

1. Why did you choose your url?

I went through a couple URL changes, I landed on this one after I needed a change to avoid getting rediscovered by someone I had blocked who remade and made a half-assed attempt at internet stalking me

So it went [unrelated urls] > ourlordasia (my name) > ourlordmiguel (Road to El Dorado reference) > ourlordapollo (Apollo is cool. I engage in a lot of hobbies he's associated with: music, writing, archery, poetry, medicine)

2. Any side blogs?

Yeah, like a billion for my various interests

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

12-13 years 💀

4. Do you have a queue tag?

I don't use the queue feature, so no

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

To see H*talia content (I Know) and later to see more content from The History Peeps (the 2012-ish era AmRev/FRev fandom)

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

We read The Rime of the Ancient Mariner in my AP/CC English class. I already liked birds, so I looked up "albatross" in my big-ass bird book and was really taken by the fact that albatrosses have the biggest wingspan of any bird, because their bodies are so small. At age 17, sometimes I just felt like an albatross, you know? Bad luck and way bigger than myself.

7. Why did you choose your header?

'Cause I like The Monkees

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

...It's a post where I dressed up as a neckbeard/men's rights activist and made a bunch of jokes about Rainbow Dash being my waifu. (This was before that group became widely associated with Nazis. I was just making fun of those "not all men" brony guys)

9. How many mutuals do you have?

Idk I don't really talk to anybody on here

10. How many followers do you have?

1,530 on main

11. How many people do you follow?

1,386. A lot of inactive accounts tho

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

Nah

13. How often do you use Tumblr everday?

It used to be like. All the fucking time. All the fucking time.

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Yes lmao. Got a bunch of vegans I knew IRL very mad at me because I pointed out that Western veganism was largely racist and dependent on the exploitation of people of color in the global south and the whiteys at my liberal arts school (emphasis on liberal) did not like that. They started circulating my post bitching me out and I got a bunch of angry anons.

15. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

Fuck em and fuck the people who make em

16. Do you like tag games?

17. Do you like ask games?

Kinda. Obviously I like to talk about myself but I feel kinda pathetic reblogging them like. "Oh please pay attention to me"

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

I'd say I have some Tumblr notorious mutuals, but not Tumblr famous

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

No. I do follow some hella cute butches though

#tag game

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exauhstedsunflower · 3 years

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I Have So Many Thoughts!!

Right now they‘re about Harry Potter, sorry to my followers who dont care about that. With that out of the way, here is a small HC/Character study thing. Basically I’m gonna ramble a bit. Warning now that this will be kinda long.

So my first bit is gonna be about the boy who lived himself, Harry. of course if any of you who are reading this know me you know that I love a sad character. There is Hella angst potential for this boy, he has been through it!!!

-we all know that he was literally raised to die. Like a pig for slaughter. He was kept in an environment where he learned to deal with serious issues himself and not to trust other people. As he got older them more serious information pertaining to him was kept from him. Like, a harmful amount of no information getting through to him. His lack of knowledge even though he is very clearly at the center of things almost got him killed so many times.

He was barely taught to defend himself. It was actively encouraged when he got himself into Deadly situations. He was rewarded and praised for defeating the basilisk, for finding Voldemort near the philosophers stone, and thats only the first two years! He was throwing himself into these situations and no one cared to ask if he was ok. These were trials, and Harry was trying to prove himself. Even situations as small as Quiditch. He almost died multiple times but at least he caught the snitch! At least they won! Good job Harry! All of this to say the adults in his life did him dirty.

now, my take is that he knew. He knew that they were actively keeping important information from him. He knew that they didn’t care about his well being, just cared about whether or not he defeated this years Big Bad. He knew wasn’t adequately prepared for these deadly situations. And he knew that he wasn’t meant to live for very long.

he’s not a soldier in a war, he is the weapon. he knows he won’t make it out of the war. They’re expecting him to fight valiantly, to be brave. Brave like a Gryffindor. So he deals with everything that come his way, he handles the threats to his life to the best of his ability, and he keep going. Because at the end of this, he is only what he is expected to do. People will hate home because he gives them what they want to hate. People will care because they expect him to be a certain way, so he gives them that version of himself. People will use him and he will play along because he knows he has no choice in the end.

The boy who lived, the boy who fights, the boy who is destined to die.

the next one is near and dear to my heart, the foil to the BWL, Draco Malfoy.

-this kid also has a lot of angst potential. Rich kid born and destined for evil? The opposition to our protagonist? Emphasized pressure from his parents and his political stature? All of the boxes for an angsty antagonist. I could easily take this kid and turn him into a sad bean. And guess what? That is entirely what i’m about to do.

he is a Child. Lets just get that out of the way now. Yes he was petty and rude and downright nasty but he is a child. A child that was brought up to be racist and classist and used to having things a certain way. We can see from who he surround himself with and who his parents choose to keep as company, that he’s been in a bit of a bubble. That bubble gets burst at Hogwarts, where calling people mudblood gets him in trouble. He sees a more diverse crowd. people are celebrated for their talent or their dedication, not for just their status. He has been told his whole life that status is everything.

So basically his whole world view is turned upside down, and he lashes out by being a bully to the golden trio, who represent everything his family is supposed to hate. Ron is poor, Harry is meant to defeat Voldemort, Hermione is muggle born. This is what he has been taught and this is what he knows. He‘s not necessarily rude to his friends or even very picky with them. They just represent the people he’s ‘supposed’ to hang out with. Crabbe and Goyle are from respectable, good, pure blood families and this is familiar.

Moving on, because I could go on all day- we know he has a heart. When he sees harry at the Manor, he doesnt say anything. At the end he throws harry his wand. obviously despite the hostility toward Harry, he doesn‘t wish him dead.

He really is just doing what hes supposed to be doing. What’s expected of him. He is expected to Hate Harry Potter, he is expected to hate muggles, he is expected to put forth his status as a Malfoy and a pure blood. I don’t think he actually wants to do that, or rather that he’s confused about his morals. He doesn’t want to be a death eater, he’s clearly too afraid. And he doesn’t want his ‘enemies’ dead. And at the end of the day he never actually seems to be believing what he spouts bout muggles after he gets used to hogwarts. He says he’s above the other students without ever actually doing anything about it.

My thing about all of this is that I think Malfoy and Harry know the way they feel about each other is fabricated. It’s hatred based on expectations. Malfoy is a Slytherin, hes supposed to hate Gryffindors. Harry, regardless of the taunting, always helps Malfoy if needed.

I think it’s kind of like an alliance. Their rivalry is expected of them, but it’s a school boy rivalry. It’s good to them to have something expected of them that they can pretend is normal. they can pretend it’s a house rivalry instead of a old war that they have nothing to do with’s. Malfoy is not a Death Eater. He hasn’t killed anyone, I dont think he could. He’s a kid. And he doesn’t deserve to be treated as a war pawn.

definitely toward the end they both kind of become aware of the fact that they’re really just pawns and that no one actually cares about them more than they care about the outcome of the war. They just continue then because they have to.

I’m tired now, I’ll do more next time. Thanks for reading if you did. Add points if you also have thoughts. Id be super excited to read them.

#Harry Potter #Draco Malfoy #hermione granger #ron weasley #ronald weasley #Dumbledor #I hate dumbledore #I couldn’t sleep until I got some of these thoughts out of my head.#I needed to write them down so bad #Death eaters #Muggles #Hogwarts

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who-stole-my-serotonin · 4 years

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Hi I have a modern day AU idea for you all.

-So Padmé, Obi-Wan, and Anakin are raising the twins and Ahsoka

-Padmé is district representative for the schools in that system, Anakin works for the police force, and Obi-wan works for the local FBI branch

-Ahsoka is a senior in high school and it's the twins' freshman year

-Ofc Ahsoka is delighted to finally have her siblings to make school-wide trouble with (no one has to know that tho)

-The twins meet Threepio and Artoo and become hella fast friends

-Threepio has so much anxiety and his hair is so blond it's yellow

-Artoo's hair is blue and he never fully left his rebellion phase

-Leia meets Amilyn who is a sophomore and they immediately hit it off and start wreaking havoc and being major activists around the school

-Luke hangs out with Artoo, Threepio, Biggs, and Wedge mostly and they want him to get more friends so they drag him to aviation club

-There he meets Han Solo who runs the club

-They become fast friends and become even closer friends after realizing they are both trans

-They often have arguments about which aircraft is the best

-One day at dinner Luke is talking about Han and Ahsoka is like !!!!!!!! I know him he was head of the GSA last year

-And then Leia is like ohhh that Han I dated him for like a week and everyone is like :o why didn't we know about this and she just shrugs and is like we knew we were better off as friends do it wasn't a big deal

-Anakin meets Han and is a little wary of him but Luke is like he's smart and cute and I like him

-Padmé and Obi-wan are cool with him tho they can see the moon eyes they make at each other even though they don't know it yet so they r like don't hurt our son

-Han was low-key involved in weed stuff in his sophomore year but no one needs to know about that (especially the Skywalkers' parents)

-Han introduces Luke to Chewie who likes him immediately and is like oh Han you have to keep this one

-Chewie is a junior just like Han and they met because they work at a car repair shop together

-They are all friends with each other but eventually Ahsoka gets sick of Luke and Leia pinning over Han and Amilyn so she invites them all over for a game night, which results in Chewie, Threepio, and Artoo tagging along (ofc)

-They end up becoming an even closer tight-knit group and the Skywalker parents are just so happy for their kids

-Except for the fact that now the capacity for trouble has increased tenfold and Luke and Leia are still being typical gays™ (Leia is a badass bisexual tho and don't you ever forget it)

-The school they attend isn't the most LGBTQIA+ friendly even tho they try to say they are, the GSA kids have been fighting for years for more rights and acceptance but not a ton has been done, the are rumors that the school wants to try to make more rules that are discriminatory against the LGBTQIA+ kids there

-The Skywalkers ofc cannot just let that slide so they start investigating, once they find out the rumors are true they immediately call all their friends and they start planning a protest, they even get their badass parents in on it

-During the time setting all this up they start spending even more time with each other (if that's even possible seeing how the already spend almost every waking minute with each other) leading to the twins finally figuring out their respective shit

-The protest ends up gaining a lot more attention and traction than they originally planned and gets the attention of city officials

-They investigate and find out that the vice principal is actually very homophobic and racist so they fire him and end up hiring Padmé as the new VP since she already worked closely with the school and others in the area

-They throw a huge party for her and that's when the twins are like oh hey btw we r dating these two nerds

-Their parents ofc are very supportive and Ahsoka gives them the shovel talk jokingly, Obi-wan does it half seriously, and Anakin does it seriously, Padmé just shakes her head seeing the love in the two's eyes and knows they would never willingly hurt her children

-Over the summer Leia and Amilyn work on starting a feminist club at the school next year with Padmé's help

-Ahsoka enrolls in the police academy and Anakin will never let Obi-wan live it down ("haha I told you my profession was superior!" "without my profession you guys wouldn't get NEARLY as much work done!")

-Luke gets his piloting license but not his driving permit because he just can't drive, Han will never understand how he is such a great pilot but such a terrible driver ("it's cause I'm gay Han")

Anywayyyysssss these r just some ideas I love. I really just want my babies to be happy okay. It's kinda all over the place so sorry about that too hhhh. I will probably write an actual fic from this eventually when I have the time but feel free to add if you want.

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trashy-bowtie · 3 years

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So it begins.

Last night, my oldest sister, an AVID tr*mp supporter, texted me about a post I had posted on my personal Facebook about how you can't support him and support POC/non-christians/LGBTQ+/etc. She basically texted me to inform me that I was wrong and that I needed to get informed before I post things.

My response? I told her I really didn't want to debate, I had done extensive research (it took me days to completely fill out my ballot. I already knew who I wanted for president, but not for any of my state specific stuff) and that I went with who I thought was best for my views personally (which would've been Bernie, but this election is hella important so naturally I voted for Biden) so I had to respectfully disagree and said sorry. Tried to be polite because I hate conflict and it sucks because she's my (half) sister.

Boy, that must've set her off. Her first message seemed a little condescending. She turned to full condescending mode and basically kept saying I was unintelligent for supporting "terrorist organisations" (which in my first message we had that discussion which I said that antifa was against fascists so it isn't terrorist unless tr*mp happened to be fascist. My passive aggressive nature came out.) And so she was telling me all about how I was being brainwashed and turning into a sheep by the media and all this shit. Being very belligerent and disrespectful and a bully. And even said her best friend is a POC Atheist so she still supported all that stuff from my post.

I should note that she's A. 29 years old (8 years my senior) and B. Back in her youth, she wrote a racist slur on a Mexican classmates car of hers and defaced it a bit

And she also told me that I'm young and haven't experienced any fascist stuff so I don't know the meaning of the word. I educated myself (and still continue to do so) and when I was a senior in high school I did an in depth entire history of the Holocaust so I feel like I'm qualified to talk about that kind of stuff (aka Tr*mp really is like Hitler, but we already know that. Or at least should've).

After I stopped responding after my first message back she kept sending a barrage of texts and then her last two 6 and 3 part messages were about her backtracking and saying she wasn't meaning to be rude and she's doing this not out of politics but because she cares about me and all this other bullshit.

So, should I cut her out of my life? She lives in Missouri (I live in Utah) and we don't normally talk anyway. However, just fucking great that this happened. Also she doesn't have fb cuz she deleted hers so now I'm wondering if my mom and other sister are all talking shit about me (likely cuz no one's addressing anything about last night and my mom is a staunch tr*mp supporter as well and posted a meme about how there's an influx of democrat votes (the ones obviously coming from the post/mail) and also support for a big tr*mp train that drove from my states capitol up several cities north or something like that. So I don't know what to do. This sucks, but I have too many mental issues to deal with and I can't stand being talked to like that, not anymore. I've had it.

Edit: my sister got diagnosed with bipolar disorder back right after she dropped out of high school and then the meds had some weight gain side effects so my mom basically convinced her she didn't have it and the doctor was wrong. Also I'm even more worried because she teaches elementary school so I hope she doesn't throw politics at all those poor kids.

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sortagaysortahigh · 4 years

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Yo would it be totally weird to ask you what your whole coming out was like? As in when you knew you liked girls? Because I don’t really have any funds that aren’t straight and I’m just always curious to hear about other people’s stories 😬🥰

I rhink ive told this story before but ive always known i liked girls, when i told my mom as a kid she said i just thought my friends were pretty and didn’t understand actual attraction and stupid shit like that so i suppressed all of it.

Also my family is either v catholic or v baptiste christian so the homophobia is IMPECCABLE, the FLAVOR. Anyways so i came out as “bisexual” in high school just for my mom to try and deem it as a phrase and then say aome shit like “at least youll marry a man and have kids” but then lol people in my supposed friend group outed me and my mother outed me to my family so the homophobia was so flavorfull and just delish. Like wow getting called the f slur but make it spanish, ugh the range they have 😩😩😩. I also had friends not fw me anymore bc they thought i was into them like bitch youre not my type go suck a dick bye.

Then i was honestly just rlly lowkey about like sex and shit. I dated a few dudes and fornicated and faked it. And one of my relationships w a guy was extremely traumaric for me but i also have a lot of trauma when it comes tommen so ppl tried to deem that as to why i “was fake gay” lol. Then my senior year of highschool i had a gf and our relationship was HELLA lowkey like nobody knew bc she was still in the closet but one person found out and outed me to that entire school (it was a new school for me and it was v conservative) so lol i fought a lot of ppl but we ended up breaking up bc of her family being literal racists.

Anyways flash forward to my freshman year of college when i was srill on my bisexual-pretend to like men to please your family and fight your internalized homophobia-shit but i was still getting freaky w girls bc its college snd i had the freedom to eat all the pussy and ass i wanted. But then i met the loml (shes still v much the loml but we have a lot to work on) and she rlly helped me realize that i was a raging homosexual and i hate men. So i started coming out slowly to a few v understanding and accepting people but not my family.

Then sophomore year was when I came out to more of my family including my mom-I came out AGAIN as a lesbian and she was more accepting but shes still homophobic. Shes on that “im okay with it if its not MY CHILD” bullshit. But then this bitch really outed me again-my oldest brother was rhe most accepting and my sperm donor aka my gene giver aka my father is v homophobic and wont acknowledge it and he even says shit like “when your sister gets married and has a husband one day” to my younger brothers, im slways like “i am the husband” bc i think im funny. But nah my family doesnt rlly rock w my gay shit but i really truly dont give a fuck anymore and im not out to all of them solely because i know ill end up cutting them off and probably sending my old ass grandma on my dads side into a heart attack and idk shes always been the homie so ima tell her ass on her desth bed.

Most of my college friends and my two best friends in the whole wide world are very accepting of me and some of them figured i was just a big ole lesbian bitch when we first met bc i wasnt one to talk about gobbling snd swallowing men but wheb theyd talk ab girls id be in that bitch like sugar in coca cola. But even now some people dont know that im gay bc i dont include that in my social media bios or feeds other than tumblr bc as an afro latinx woman i face enough discrimination as is when it comes to networking and job/volunteer opportunities. I just make gay jokes until they catch on and hesistate to ask me if im a lesbian then im like “me??? A lesbian?? Why would you ever think that. I love men *gag* i just love penis *agressive gagging*”

But yeah my coming out story isnt that positive. I have some accepting people in my life and some that arent. It wasnt a big ole “im proud of you for accepting who you are” type thing snd i didnt get a rainbow cake and shit but idk im comfortable in my sexuality and i love women so for me im happy. Like after coming out and accepting who I was and dealing w all of my internalized issues I really learned to love myself the most.

#tw: homophobia #tw: coming out

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chasingshhadows · 5 years

Text

on michael & maria

Yup, Imma talk about it.

I’m unfortunately well aware of the ~discourse~ on this particular topic, but I have Opinions and Feelings so I’m gonna share them. In this post, I’m gonna follow their relationship from the beginning of the show through episode 1.11 (Champagne Supernova). (The events of 1.13 are a topic that I’ll be addressing separately and a bit more in-depth.)

I am in what appears to be a minority of Malex Roswell fans that thinks the show did a really great job of setting up and seeing through the relationship with Michael and Maria, both in the ways it became physical and the ways it became emotional.

Before I begin, I want to emphasize something about this relationship that seems to bother a lot of people or maybe just go unnoticed: Much of the development between these two, while absolutely present, is not overt and oft times isn’t even on-screen. I get why and how this bothers people because it’s understandable to want to see character development on-screen and not have to infer it from context or subtext, or have to rely on people like me to do the work of going through the season and finding it. Plus, that means it likely falls through the cracks for most casual viewers who don’t take the time to process and analyze the meanings behind what they’re seeing. I get that, and understand that it’s frustrating.

That said, I’m here to play with everything the show has given us, and that includes the subtleties of the Michael & Maria dynamic. I’m a master extrapolator ok.

And just a ~warning~ to the shippers reading this: This post is about Michael & Maria and their relationship and how it builds and grows. This is not an extended diss post on Maria or Miluca, so if that’s what you’re looking for, this post is not for you. That said, I would be remiss in not acknowledging to any Miluca fans reading this that I am a hardcore Malex shipper and can’t guarantee that my bias in that way doesn’t leak through. Just - you’ve been warned.

Also to clarify - when I use the word “relationship,” I do not mean Relationship like, couple. I mean, any two people that interact with each other have a relationship with each other.

TL;DR: Michael and Maria were and are far closer as friends than most people seem to believe before they became involved. The journey of them hooking up, catching feelings, and coming together is marked by progressively stronger signs of affection and attraction. The development is there, if you care to look for it.

And now that my thesis is clear, let me show my work.

Anyway. Let’s start at the beginning.

We learn right as Michael is introduced that he spends a lot of time at the Wild Pony, and that getting arrested for getting drunk and getting into fights there is a common occurrence for him. As Maria runs this bar, this means the two of them spend a lot of time together, likely at odds considering she’s probably the one calling the cops.

The first interaction they have as characters isn’t an interaction at all, and seems to contradict the last assumption, at least in one way. Because Maria sees Alex looking at Guerin and the first thing she says about it?

She acknowledges he’s “rifraff” but then immediately says she thinks he’s hot. And then at Alex’s dubious look, she tries to justify. Which means that’s something she’s noticed, and the “sex in a truck” is something she’s thought about. And she and Alex have an easy enough relationship even after a decade spent mostly apart that she feels comfortable bringing that up. She’s gossiping about cute boys with her long lost best friend and Guerin is the cute boy on her mind right now.

This, my friends, is what we in the biz like to call foreshadowing.

Now, something that is entirely not stated but is at least tangentially hinted at: Michael is a punchy drunk that intentionally picks fights at the Wild Pony. Now, who do we know who appears to also spend a lot of time at the Wild Pony and are also walking “Hit Me” signs? That’s right, Racist Wyatt & Racist Hank. I’m not saying it happens every night or even every week, but I have to imagine at least a few times over the years, Michael decided to take out his dramatic cowboy angst on the two racist assholes spouting off in the corner. And regardless of her distaste for the violence and her annoyance at needing to call the cops again, I have to imagine that Maria at least noticed that Michael is throwing punches for the right reasons sometimes. (and again, none of this is explicitly stated, but all of the pieces are laid out and it doesn’t take a casual viewer to put them together).

We first see them actually interact at the bar during the blackout and it is hella flirtatious; they’re both smirking, leaning forward, teasing. It’s playful.

More than that though, it speaks to a deeply ingrained familiarity, friendliness, and banter. Michael swipes a bottle from behind the bar - an expensive bottle, apparently - as if that’s just a normal thing for him to do. And Maria doesn’t even try to stop him - sure, she Hey!’s him, but her only objection is, “that’s a health code violation” as she goes about cleaning up the bar and collecting glasses.

Again, I know this is subtle, but it says so much about their relationship before this moment. That Maria lets him grab the bottle. That he hears that he’s caught and just…. continues opening the bottle while making a teasing comment about her power-outage decorations. That she just watches as he takes a drink straight from the bottle. The soft, teasing “Didn’t I ban you for life?”

This isn’t behavior she would allow from just any customer and especially not one who we’re led to believe is a Problem Customer. And their conversation about his tab and such indicates they aren’t like, best friends or anything, but they’re on familiar enough territory that they can joke and tease and steal liquor like it’s habit, like it’s just how they are.

And remember - they both grew up in this town. They’ve probably known each since they were 11 (when Michael was sent back to Roswell) but definitely knew each other in high school. I doubt they ever hung out or even really interacted all that much but they have that awkward “I know too much about you because we’ve been sharing space for 15 years” thing going on.

And now Maria has watched him make a valiant attempt to drink himself to death for half a dozen years and bury his sorrows in anyone that’ll have him. She’s smart, she’s learned her lesson with Chad, she doesn’t just want to be another notch in Guerin’s bedpost.

But, he’s cute and he’s safe, so she flirts.

I mean look at this:

Like fuck, she’s practically purring.

Michael is clearly on board with that mood. This is sexy, this is him fully ready to hear exactly what he can do for Maria, this is his mind in the gutter.

He makes a joke - in a super sultry voice, mind you - about being her least favorite customer, to which she laughs while passing him glasses for the tequila (yes, it’s mezcal, I know) he stole.

This is all very friendly, y’all. And that doesn’t mean they’re the braid-each-other’s-hair, tell-me-all-your-deepest-secrets type of friends, but they are friends. Not best friends, but casual friends. Almost a coworkerly-type of teasing affection. They’re two people wholly comfortable with the other, they’re fond of each other. They tease each other but there’s never any bite - it’s playful and fun and easy. They sit on opposite sides of that bar at least several times a week and yeah, Maria has to call the cops when shit gets rowdy, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate Guerin’s personality and presence, or that he doesn’t enjoy the teasing banter with the hottie behind the bar that he knows he has no chance with.

From there, Isobel steals the floor, and Maria is annoyed and not taking shit. She makes a crack about Michael’s drinking, and Isobel makes her move.

And then Maria sees something I’m sure she’s seen before when he’s with Isobel but is still at odds with the Guerin in her mind - she sees Michael being soft, tender, and concerned.

And this prompts Maria, for what I believe is the only time in the first season, to call him Michael.

Jump to the day when both Isobel and Mimi go into institutions. Maria has reached her limit. She’s strung out, she’s had to fall back on her last resort because nothing else has worked and she’s feeling like a failure; she’s feeling lost because her mom has been her rock her entire life. And Michael is actually in a similar place. He’s been trying to protect Isobel, his own rock, from herself for so long, he’s let that destroy himself, his hope, his future, and now she’s put herself in the hands of people he vehemently distrusts because he failed.

So, they’re both here to drown their sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. And again, let’s talk about the fact that Michael gets an entirely different treatment than any other customer that might walk through that door. Because what she sees in that mirror? It’s a kindred spirit. It’s a broken man who’s been crumbling on a stool in her bar for years and who looks just like she feels: like he’s just a step away from shattering.

And this is also Michael Guerin, with whom she shares an easy camaraderie, who she knows can be soft. So, she lets him stay.

One drink. No talking.

She passes him the bottle and he sighs in relief because Maria is giving him exactly what he needs right now. To not be alone with his thoughts. To lose himself a little bit in a haze, to let the alcohol blur the self-hatred swirling in his mind.

And Maria, Maria doesn’t wanna crack. She doesn’t want to fall apart, because she can’t, because it’s her job to hold it together - for her mom, for her friends, for this town. She’s supposed to be the fun, happy friend, the bartender, the good time.

She’s not allowed to break.

But she knows if she opens her mouth, she will. So when Guerin starts to thank her, she shuts him right down.

Notice that she calls him Guer? Not Guerin. Not even Michael. But Guer. That’s soft, that’s familiar. That’s a nickname, and it rolls off her tongue like that’s normal. Like she’s used it before.

It’s these things, y’all, the little things that truly show us the depth of this relationship. I’ve seen said more times than I can count that Michael and Maria’s connection, their friendship, him “knowing her”, her feelings - that they all came out of nowhere. That these two went 10 years without liking each other or being attracted to each other and ~one day~ it all just changed. And that’s just not true. This thing between them, it’s been there, simmering, slowly building. The signs are there if you know what you’re looking for, if you know what it looks like before two people that know each other fall into bed, before they catch feelings.

And y’all, these two? Are a veritable construction zone of signs.

What happens next is pivotal to this relationship. Because Maria was right, opening her mouth was a catalyst and she starts to crack, and then loses it completely.

And this, this is new for Michael. Maria never cracks, never cries. She’s a firecracker and a half, fierce and strong, she commands the room, and never shows weakness. It takes him a moment to catch up to what he’s seeing and then-

This is so soft. He lets out a comforting “hey” as he wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her close, holds her tight. Tries to give her the stability she’s clearly lacking, lets her lean on him for support.

He’s there for her. He doesn’t ask questions. He doesn’t try to tell her it’s ok. Doesn’t cross any boundaries. He’s just there, just present, and lets her take what she needs from him in that moment.

This, again, proves the depth of their bond. Their friendship. Maria wouldn’t let any deadbeat from the bar touch her like that, especially not in a moment of weakness. And Michael wouldn’t offer unconditional comfort to anyone either - he’s not cruel by any means, but few people rank high enough to deserve his kindness. But here, Maria not only lets Michael hold her, she leans in, grabs at his jacket, settles in close.

She trusts him, and he cares for her.

And you can see even as he holds her, he’s still confused. He’s still not entirely sure what’s happening, but he pulls her closer anyway. Because she needs it.

This a turning point in their relationship. This is the moment they go from banter friends to comfort friends. The moment their friendship deepens from something fun to something warm. Something real.

A few weeks later, they’ve both come off their respective cliffs. Maria has come to him for help. And as we learn at the end of the episode, there’s an emotional attachment to her request. This sign is special, this sign specifically is important to her - and she’s trusting Guerin to fix it.

Now we know that “no once can fix a car as fast as” Michael, and that Isobel, at least, has a habit of calling him to fix things for her, but what this tells us is that Michael also likely has a reputation around town as a fixer, as a handy man. Enough, at least, for Maria to know Michael can fix this. And between his reputation and her experiences with him, she knows him to be dependable and reliable enough to do this for her.

They’ve fallen back into their banter because it’s easy and it’s not heavy. Because they’re still Maria and Guerin even after a moment of tenderness. Because this is natural to them.

Now, Michael says something that apparently confuses people. Because Max says, “Dude, tell me you’re not sleeping with Maria,” and Michael immediately shoots back with, “Never!” And to some, I suppose, this feels incongruous with his behavior in the next episode. And all I really have to say to that is if I truly “never” slept with any of the people I’ve said I would “never” sleep with, my List would be like…. half as long.

Anyway, Michael brings the sign to the bar later that same day. Which is significant because - remember what else is going on that day. Isobel nearly died. He’s been running all over town with Liz and worrying about losing his sister - the single most important person in his life - and still, he made time to fix Maria’s sign.

He and Max left the junkyard right after Maria dropped it off, and we saw him at the hospital, then chasing down Liz, then taking Liz to his bunker, then to the cave, then he ran back to get Isobel from the hospital.

Which means after Isobel went into the pod, Michael went back to the junkyard to fix Maria’s sign. Just as much because she needed it as because he needed it. He needed to do it, needed to not fail someone he cared about that day. Needed to have something to show to himself that he could fix things, to prove to himself he could fix Isobel.

And when he drops it off, Maria notes how fast it was, having no idea just how fast because she doesn’t know everything that happened that day. He reiterates that he could have made her a new sign, but what he means is that he wants her to know that he would have, for her. Max once said that Michael has never done anything for anyone, while we all know that that line was a flaming pile of bullshit, it’s true that Michael isn’t someone to offer his help to just anyone; he’s picky about the people deserving of his effort and he’s letting Maria know she’s one of them.

And she softens. She opens up. Explains the real reason she needs this sign. Let’s Michael see a glimpse of something she hid from her own best friend.

It gets heavy for a moment, which is a territory they’re still figuring out how to navigate. Maria “hmms” at Michael’s “beacon” comment and he aptly puts together that that’s all she wants to say on the matter. He redirects them into more familiar territory with a teasing joke to break the tension and Maria follows him there with a, “Jerk” and a poorly disguised smirk.

It’s comfortable. Easy.

Six weeks pass before we see them together again, though it’s certainly not the first time they’ve interacted, judging by the fact that Michael has racked up another bar tab.

Maria greets him coolly - whether that’s because of her mood re: her mother, or because Alex is there and Alex has already expressed discomfort at being around Guerin (see: human trio reunion scene) is unclear, but she does greet him. Even if she’s a bit prickly, he still warrants her attention just by walking in the door.

And this may be some of my own projection, but it also speaks a little to me of Maria starting to catch on - subconsciously, at least - that she might have feelings for Michael. After my own experiences with the Chads of the world, I tend to react defensively around people I start to fall for, including being actively cool around them. It’s not pulling pigtails, not quite, but more I’m-terrified-of-you-finding-out-I-have-feelings-and-rejecting-me-so-I’ll-be-extra-unfriendly-so-you-think-I-don’t-like-you.

Michael is flirting - stung, from Alex’s rejection, and trying to get lost in a distraction - but Maria lets it slide right off her.

When we see them again in Texas, it’s awkward, but not because of them. Max and Liz are seeing each other for what appears to be the first time since her declaration that they are not meant to be, after having promised to save the life of the woman who killed her sister because she can’t stand to see Max hurt. So. It’s awkward.

Michael recognizes this immediately - having spent significant time with Liz who I’m sure pointedly refused to talk about Max, and at least some time around Max even before the 4+ hour drive in which he was fully back on his broody bullshit - so he tries to cut the tension by teasing flirtily with Maria. Because that’s a thing he can do. Something that’s natural and fun for them.

Maria teases right back, likely having seen at least some of Liz’s side of this, and makes her subtle exit, knowing full well Michael would join her and leave the two lovebirds to their awkward hello.

Note that when Michael goes into the tent to have his hand healed, he goes in with Maria. Not Max, whose idea it was. But his friend, Maria. Which means they spent the long wait in that line together. She clearly needs proof - or disproof - of Arizona’s powers as much as Max, but we all know what Michael’s hand means to him, and that he was willing to have Maria there while discussing it, potentially having it healed says, again, so much about their friendship.

Arizona talks about Michael reopening the wound in his mind and he looks to Maria for reassurance. And Maria gives that to him, freely and warmly. Organically. And you can see how much that little act helps him, that he’s able to continue forward knowing she’s there.

And when Arizona essentially blows them off, Maria - who is here, remember, to find a way to heal her own ailing mother - offers Michael the comforting shoulder rub, the defensive “Come on [let’s get out of here]”.

When Maria is upset, following Arizona’s reveal as a fraud, it’s Michael, not Liz, her best friend, that follows her. For all that Michael wanted to go in guns blazing and confront her before, he’s ready to walk away when he sees that Maria is upset.

And no, Michael is not the arbiter of friendship, but he’s pretty sure it has something to do with supporting someone when they’re upset. He doesn’t know, as Liz does, that Maria does not need that, so this is his way of trying. Maria is important enough for Michael to try.

And thus gets us to my favorite scene of the Michael/Maria saga.

She says with a teasing smile on her face. She says with a fond glance at Guerin.

And his wink says he knows and he’s playing along.

When she gets up, Michael is concerned. Asking Liz if she’s going to follow her. “Don’t you think she needs a girlfriend or whatever?” Because Michael wants to make sure Maria is being taken care of.

And then.

I just. Cannot get over. This look. This is awe, this is wonder, this is heat. This is Michael for the first time seeing Maria, seeing just how strong and fierce and powerful and beautiful she really is. This is The Moment that Michael stops thinking of Maria as a fun, flirty friend, and starts seeing her as something more. As someone he might be able to really fall for. As someone who maybe, just might, be able to fill the void left behind by Alex.

And so he just stares. He cannot take his eyes off from her y’all. The whole rest of this scene is Michael just fixated on the marvel that is Maria DeLuca. He’s watching her the entire time Liz asks Max to dance. Watching her sing upon that stage. Hell, Liz has to grab his face to get him to look away and still his eyes find her again.

And Maria, for all her teasing and banter, is the one to make the first move. She extends her hand to Michael, beckons him forward and:

Imma just let that speak for itself.

She doesn’t just do it once those, she reaches for him again, just gently touching him, making contact. And it’s not just comforting contact like Michael did when she cried, or when Maria touched him in the tent. It’s not even really friendly.

No, it’s decidedly sensual. Sexy. She’s touching him in ways that are meant to illicit a reaction.

And it’s a reaction she gets, when Michael follows her from the bar.

Look at that smile. She’s teasing him, but you can see she’s happy that he’s chosen to be there, out there, with her. This is the face of a woman who’s just drunk and high enough to forget her reasons to stay away, and is just letting herself be giddy that the person she likes is here with her. She’s not thinking about her worry of being another one of Michael’s one night stands, not thinking about not letting herself get attached for fear of being hurt (spoiler alert: she was already attached).

That’s the thing, with humans. We’re really really good at lying to ourselves when we’re afraid. We’re experts at denying the existence of something that scares us, and convincing ourselves that we’re safe. Maria has convinced herself she feels nothing for Michael because admitting those feelings, even to herself, when she feels certain he doesn’t feel the same way, would be devastating. So she refuses to acknowledge it, pretends it’s not even there.

And that’s why we see such a drastic change in her behavior from night to morning. Why she was all smiles and wiles and flirtation when she was drunk, high, and looking for a distraction, but was cold and in full denial mode when she was sober and facing down the reality of the door she’d opened. Her subconscious is trying to preemptively protect her from the pain and she’s projecting her anger at herself onto Michael.

Exacerbated, I’m sure, by the fact that by the time they actually kissed, and slept together, neither of them were that drunk. We see them wander off together with a joint before Max and Liz leave the bar, and we don’t see them together again until after Liz and Max have found a hotel, gotten into bed, each tossed and turned long enough to get back out of bed, get dressed, head out to the park and talk, and then go back to bed. So I’d say it’s been at least a couple hours since their last drinks that things heat up.

So Maria doesn’t even have the excuse for herself that she was wasted because she wasn’t. Neither of them were. She let herself give into her feelings and attraction in a moment of weakness and the only one she’ll have to blame when it bites her in the ass is herself.

Even if Maria is refusing to allow herself to believe she has feelings, there is still a gut feeling that what she did was a mistake, was going to get her hurt. The mind can be interesting in that way, warning you of danger without allowing you to see what that danger is.

Michael is in a different place here. He’s upset, but in an entirely different and far more silent way than Maria. Alex broke his heart, again, just yesterday. He had to watch Alex walk away from him and for the first time, it truly felt final. Alex said it was over, full stop. I don’t think Michael had ever before thought about moving on from Alex, not really. He was always just waiting.

“Where I stand, nothing’s changed.”

But now Alex walked away and it looks like this time, he really isn’t coming back. And for the first time Mchael has to consider what his life might look like without Alex in it, and suddenly here Maria is, being the actual walking definition of charm and grace. She’s someone he knows, whom he knows to be good. She’s gorgeous and kind and beautiful and fierce. And he’s seeing for the first time just how strong she is, how courageous.

He’s mesmerized.

And he’s paying attention. To all of Maria’s little touches and smiles. To the way she seems to want exactly what he wants. Which is why he’s so unaffected by her protests and denials the next morning. Because this is Maria, his friend. He teases and pokes fun because they’re friends and he can. And because, as everyone in Roswell knows, Michael is an expert at navigating the awkward morning after, so he eases her panic about people finding out, and then teases some more.

Michael’s in a great mood. The sun is shining, there’s a gorgeous woman lying next to him, and maybe for the first time that he can remember, he’s not thinking about Alex. Or Isobel. Or anything that hurts.

That doesn’t last though. Alex shows up, reignites every emotion Michael has ever felt for him, and leaves Michael more certain than ever that he’ll never get to have Alex the way he wants him. (I have another meta on this coming, I promise). And so he’s hurt and alone again.

And he has Maria’s necklace.

So he decides to give it his best shot. He brings her the necklace, laying on a casual desire. Keeping it cool while still making clear what he wants.

And I’ve already talked about what happened with Maria and Alex between the ride home and Michael showing up, but the important take-aways here are:

Maria did not truly accept her feelings for Michael until she heard herself lie about them to Alex

Maria does not know Alex and Michael’s history beyond “they kissed once as teenagers” and “Alex still loves him”

Maria never wants to see that look of pain on Alex’s face again

And Alex knowing about them sleeping together also tells Maria that Michael, within hours of promising not to do so, told him. So she’s understandably pissy about that.

She cuts right to the chase when Michael starts to flirt.

And Michael’s face is… wounded.

Because he came to Maria to forget about Alex. He came to Maria because he likes her, and because he wanted to see if that spark he felt could light a fire, could turn into something real. He’s exploring, for the first time, the potential of really falling for someone who isn’t Alex.

And that’s what it is, at this point: potential.

But Maria says no, so he does with Maria the exact same thing he did when rejected by Alex - he deflects. Pretends he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. “Why do you keep saying it can’t happen again, I got it the first time. That’s not why I’m here at all!” (narrator voice: it was, in fact, exactly why he was there).

And both of their faces when Michael walks away tell us this isn’t want they want.

This scene is a little bit devastating. Seeing Maria refuse herself something she wants. Seeing Michael once again turned away due to something outside his control.

But he takes the hint and leaves. He’d made an attempt and was shut down, and he wasn’t going to push it.

It appears they don’t see each other again until the morning of the Gala, when Maria straight up pretends she doesn’t see him.

And Michael calls her on it, because it’s bullshit and he knows it. They were friends before they slept together and he’ll be damned if he’s gonna let that get in the way of what appears to be his only human connection aside from Alex.

Maybe it’s me, but this line was delivered with exactly the right amounts of relief and disappointment. Relief that she won’t have to endure seeing Michael in a tux. Disappointment that she won’t get to see Michael in a tux. It’s a Mood.

Michael makes a joke because that’s what they do. Maria said no, but he wants to ease them back into their friendly camaraderie. He doesn’t want to lose his friendship with Maria.

But Maria can’t do what she and Michael do. Because what she and Michael do is why she fell for him. So she can’t let them go back to being banter friends across the bar, not yet anyway. She needs time and she needs space so she can get over him.

Not to mention: Maria doesn’t know. Period. Maria doesn’t know Michael’s feelings for her might be genuine. Maria doesn’t know that Alex and Michael’s history is fraught and traumatic and painful. Maria doesn’t know that Michael and Alex were seeing each other over the summer. Maria doesn’t know that their history doesn’t start and end with that kiss in the museum. She doesn’t know that Michael still has feelings for Alex. And while Maria knows Alex is in love with Michael, she doesn’t know he’s made any effort to show that to Michael.

And she doesn’t want to hurt Alex. He’s always been there for her and she wants to protect him. To protect herself.

So she makes a jab about the museum - it was intentional insofar as she meant to drive the wedge of Alex further between them, but again, she does not know what else happened after Michael kissed Alex at the museum. She isn’t trying to hurt Michael here, she’s trying to build a wall.

When Michael says “It’s over. It’s been over,” she has no reason not to believe him.

And Michael isn’t saying that because he’s trying to come on to her again. He’s saying that because he can see that Maria feels guilty and he’s trying to assuage that. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

The look Maria gives Michael here. The glance to his lips. She is gone on this man already. She wants him. She wants to believe him. She wants to be allowed to give in to him.

But she’s not. So she throws up more spikes and walks away.

This moment makes a whole lot more sense if you remember that, as far as we know, Michael has only ever given even a single shit about two humans in his entire life: Alex and Maria. We know what Alex is and was to him, the narrative makes it absolutely clear that Michael has been in love with Alex for a decade and has essentially been idling, just like Max, for Alex to come back. He sees their love as cosmic.

And we know what Maria is to him. She’s his friend. Someone who gets him, at least the little stuff. The light stuff. His sense of humor, his penchant for drowning his sorrows in substances, his compassion and his dependability.

Someone threatening that friendship? The one and only truly painless thing he’s ever found on this forsaken planet? Not a smart person.

Michael and Max make it to the Gala and that protective streak flares again. Because he was right. And Maria is innocent and now she’s vulnerable, and he’ll be damned if he’s gonna let anything happen to her.

This is him continuing to not push boundaries, even when she can’t hear him. She said they can’t continue whatever it was they started, but they were friends before that and he wants to go back to that. Go back to fun.

Not to mention that he is visibly worried in a way we have only seen him express before for Isobel and Alex.

He sits there, holding her, letting his presence be known as a comfort, stroking her hair.

So that when she wakes, she knows immediately that she is not alone. That she is safe and being looked after.

And at the first sign that she may not want him there? He immediately offers to leave, and not only leave, but find someone else she trusts to look after her so that she still won’t be alone.

“You gotta stop showing up for me like this, Guerin.” is what she says, but what she means is “you have to stop reminding me why I fell for you. Stop making it so hard for me to get over you just by being you.”

(And also just a reminder here that Maria is still under the influence of an inhibition-lowering drug. That means it makes her do and say things she would not normally allow herself to do/say. She’d never have admitted these feelings to Michael had she been sober, or under the influence of an intoxicant she’s used to, but this is not that. This is literally a date-rape drug and anyone who has anything shitty to say about Maria in this scene can Fite Me.)

And when Maria says that she never wants him to leave?

Riley put it best: “That is not the face of a man whose feelings have just been reciprocated. That is the face of a man whose life just got very complicated.”

His lips barely twitch towards a smile but he can’t even hold it. He knows he’s supposed to be happy, but he can’t feel it. He wanted to believe that he could want this, that his feelings for Maria could drown out the way he feels about Alex, but like with Maria not realizing her feelings until she heard herself lie, I don’t believe Michael truly recognized his lack of feelings until he heard Maria admit the depth of hers.

I think Michael absolutely, 100%, no doubt cares deeply for Maria. I believe he is unquestionably attracted to her. I think she makes him happy and feel light because she’s not bogged down in the trauma that marks his life, and because she, by her own admission, actively tries to be the Fun Friend.

And I think Michael wants to have feelings for Maria. Because he believes he can’t have Alex and continuing to dwell on that will only continue to hurt him. He wants to move on, and Maria is literally walking perfection. There is no reason Michael shouldn’t absolutely return every bit of her feelings and then some.

But he doesn’t. He can’t. His heart belongs to another.

Now we don’t see the end of the night for Michael and Maria, but we do know that he takes her home. How do we know this? Because there’s no way a man who emphatically threatened to explode anyone who came near her while she was drugged would let her go home alone. Not a chance in hell. I doubt they talked at all, but he made sure she made it home safely.

And that, as far as we know, is the last time that they see each other before the finale, before Michael shows up wrecked and broken and needing to feel something, anything, that doesn’t hurt.

I’ll be diving into his, Maria’s, and Alex’s headspaces, and then taking a look at the dynamic as a whole, but none of what happens in the finale makes any kind of sense if you don’t fully recognize everything that came before it. What lead to it. It was a perfect storm of emotion and heartbreak, and this is just one cloud.

#miluca #m&m #michael guerin #maria deluca #roswell new mexico #rnm meta #rnm #miluca meta #i just have a lot of feelings #on michael & maria #i've been working on this since i finished episode 9 #sooooooo here it finally is lolololol #michael guerin meta #maria deluca meta

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yve-e · 4 years

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Contribution

Anger can be a very powerful motivator. However, it can also be exhausting to maintain for long periods of time, not just mentally and emotionally, but can take a physical toll on the body itself.

At the same time, if we really want to change the world, we need to continue to act. This means that we each need to find a way to contribute on a regular basis to create that change. Over the past week, the focus has been bringing to light the atrocities that those in power inflict upon those they consider powerless, especially how “law enforcement” denigrates, abuses, and murders Blacks. Thousands upon thousands of people all over the world have gathered to protest the status quo, sharing horrific footage of the violence perpetrated by those who are at least nominally supposed to protect us.This has been crucial in bringing attention to the problem.

“Problem.”

What an inane word to describe the wanton destruction of human lives. Still, it is a problem, and it’s something we need to solve. Making people aware of the situation is only the first step. It’s complicated and has been around for hundreds of years in one form or another. If we are serious about creating sustainable change, we need to approach it from multiple angles.

We need people to continue to show up and protest, speak up and sign petitions.

We need people to continue to share information.

We need people to donate to both national and local organizations to provide legal and social services.

We need people to provide those services.

We need to vote, especially in local elections that most directly impact our lives.

We need people to work to make sure that voting is fair and accessible to all.

We need people to run for public office to represent those who have been ignored or suppressed.

We need people to support those campaigns.

We need people to create stories, music, and art that convey the anguish and heartbreak of the oppressed.

We need people to create stories, music, and art that show us how much better the world could be and inspire us to work towards it. Fiction is a wonderful thing; even pure fantasy can contain Truth and give hope for the future.

We need people to volunteer in their communities, building connections with their neighbors, one human being to another.

We need to seek out and support minority-owned businesses.

We need teachers who can explain things to the next generations so that our children not only expect better but are stong enough to demand it.

We need everyone to have easy and affordable access to healthcare and nourishing food.

We need everyone to have easy, affordable, and non-stigmatizing access to mental health services.

We need so much, and there’s no way any single person can do it all.

Fortunately, we’re in this together. Find out what calls to your heart, and that can be your contribution to our human tapestry.

The only thing that each of us needs to do is to work on ourselves.

I’m a middlish-class white woman. I grew up in a community that was almost entirely white with a handful of Hispanics. The only black kid I remember in my elementary school was Julie, then in middle school there was Vince. That was it. I only knew TWO black kids until high school. I used to joke that the reason I didn’t grow up prejudiced was because there wasn’t anyone around to be prejudiced against.

At the same time, even though I didn’t have negative assumptions about blacks, I also had NO idea what it was like to be black in the United States. It wasn’t until I was at university that I started to discover that the color of your skin had a huge impact on your world.

I entered UCLA at the tail end of anti-apartheid protests. I thought that racism was something that happened Over There. Then one of my English classes assigned Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye and my heart shattered at the horror of a black girl who had so deeply absorbed racist societal standards of “beauty” that she thought that the only way she could ever be considered pretty is if she had blue eyes. Later, I was chatting up this hella cute black guy, talking about how much I loved Johnny Clegg’s music and the way his bands combined Celtic melodies and “tribal rhythms.” With extreme politeness, the guy I was talking with gently informed me that he “found that term offensive.” I was stunned. To me, “tribal” was just a description that, in this case, referred to traditional Zulu music. I didn’t know how to respond, but the incident obviously stayed with me as I thought about it, long and hard.

I’d already been interested in psychology, especially in terms of identity and experience. I ended up majoring in social psychology, curious about how individuals and groups influenced one another. Race became another facet that I sought to understand.

That was 30+ years ago. And you know what? I’m still seeking to understand. Being “woke” isn’t something that happens once where you gain enlightenment and you’re done. It needs to be an active verb, something that you do, throughout your life. I’m still asking myself:

Am I making unfounded assumptions? How can I double-check both my premises and conclusions?

Am I speaking over anyone?

Am I projecting my own experience on someone else and mistaking it for Truth?

If I find myself reacting defensively to something someone else says, what does that mean about me? (Generally, it means that, on some level, my own thoughts, feelings, desires and actions are out of integrity; I need to step back and look at myself to see where I need to up my game and do more to walk my talk.)

How can I improve how I phrase my words to better convey my thoughts in a way that can be heard and understood as I intend them? And is my intention truly in the service of others or, if I’m just seeking validation or to hear myself talk, would it be better to keep silent?

We all have different backgrounds, experiences, gifts, and fears. We have different dreams and different ways of seeing the world. But we’re all human, and we’re all in this together, and while none of us can single-handedly do everything that needs to be done, we can all do something, even if it’s as small as trying to be a little kinder than we need to be.

We can do this.

You have to wash with the crocodile in the river You have to swim with the sharks in the sea You have to live with the crooked politician Trust those things that you can never see Ayeye ayeye jesse mfana (jesse boy) ayeye ayeye

You have to trust your lover when you go away Keep on believing tomorrow will bring a better day Sometimes you will smile while you’re crying inside And just once you’ll turn away while the truth is shining bright Ayeye ayeye Jesse mfana ayeye ayeye

It's a cruel crazy beautiful world Every time you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky It's a cruel crazy beautiful world One day when you wake up I will have to say goodbye Goodbye… It's your world so live in it!

Beyond the door, strange cruel beautiful years lie waiting for you It kills me to know you won't escape loneliness, Maybe you’ll lose hope, too Ayeye ayeye jesse mfana ayeye ayeye

It's a cruel crazy beautiful world Every time you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky It's a cruel crazy beautiful world One day when you wake up I will have to say goodbye Goodbye…. It's your world so live in it!

When I feel your small body close to mine I feel weak and strong at the same time So few years to give you wings to fly Show you the stars to guide your ship by

It's a cruel crazy beautiful world Every time you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky It's a cruel crazy beautiful world One day when you wake up I will have to say goodbye Goodbye….

It's your world so live in it!

Cruel, Crazy, Beautiful World Johnny Clegg

#blm #change #self-care #contribution #systemic inequality

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sugarcanestock · 5 years

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classroom 5

I can’t stand Takoda, every time he speaks, no matter how kind the words may be, all I can think is how much better off we would be without him. It wasn’t always this way though, I suppose at first I rather liked him, but that was then and this is now, and now he’s infuriating. He could simply breath, and I'm ready to slit his throat. Oak grove isn’t a normal school, it’s a special school for equally special people. Everyone there is either retarded, autistic, suicidal, or some criminal. I’m no exception, I am so dead inside you can smell the rotting rom a mile away. The staff here are usually just as special as the students, although a very few of them are normal, never the good kind of normal. The staff at the oak grove have the patience of absolute saints, at least the good ones. I’ve seen some staff watch a kid running around breaking things and causing a ruckus, but his staff didn’t so much as flinch. She just asked him if he wanted a break, he said yes and that was that. Its not uncommon to hear screaming and someone banging on the walls, usually we just lock the door and continue the lesson. The teachers must be some other kind of being, despite the horrible way some of the students treat them, they continue with a smile.I have asked them why they stay, being so under payed, and mistreated, they usually say how they want to help us and describe the joy it brings them when we get better. But some of these staff are so far up your ass you can’t even share something with your friends without it being confiscated. Mrs. Janine everyone hates her, until she brings some snack into class, even then the love doesn’t last long. She is the one I call ‘rule hitler’ you can take what you will with that. Mrs. Star isn’t so bad, but she is certainly too religious, same with Janine, I feel like I’m suffocating in all that stupid Christian mumbo jumbo. Mrs. Star was in the music industry and she just must talk about it constantly and tell you how she ‘sang for this person’ and ‘wrote for this person’ and’ blah blah blah’. She’s got an ok singing voice, but she’s very energetic, too much for me. she is trying to write a tv show script, but her writing works better for an 80’s game show. If she could just stop sucking jesus’s dick for one second, maybe I could stand her better. Mrs. Janine likes to butt her way into our conversations about how we hate god, trying to fill us with the lies she eats every Sunday.

Not a Satan worshiper, don’t even believe in Satan, certainly don’t worship him. But I have nothing against him, he seems like a chill dude, way better than that god prick.Since god created everything right? And he makes no mistakes? Then he created Satan and wanted him to be evil. Also if satan punishes us for being bad, doesn’t that make him good? My class is small, smaller than my old school. My old school had over 30,000 students. This one, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even have 100. Everyone knows each other, and there is no way of getting out of all the drama. That’s one of the many things I hate about this school, I don’t give a hairless rats ass about who insulted who. In my class there is Marissa, the school thot. But she’s cool I don’t mind her. She recently had a girlfriend, I thought they were rather cute together. Though I think it was Marissa's longest relationship, all good things must come to an end, and just before their two-month anniversary it did. I'm glad though, I am friends with her ex, and I didn’t want her to be cheated on, Marissa certainly isn't above that. Then there is Maria, she’s not my favorite, I think she is a little too conceded for my taste. But she cute, but way too focused on how she looks, and her nails. I think if she spent just a little less time on her looks, and worked on her education, she really could do great things. There is also sorelle I’ve known her for awhile. She once said she wanted to be referred to as a guy and called Grayson, but I’m not sure if she still wants to since she doesn’t respond to it, and no one calls her that. Her and Maria are friends with Marissa, but they are jealous of each other, they always spread rumors about each other. Marissa is rather daft, and usually doesn’t know who to side with, so she picks both, each one on a different day. Then we’ve got the fat ass of the class, not that I think being fat is an issue, it’s just being that fat isn’t healthy. He’s extremely annoying, and he gets pissed off with the simples little jokes. He also loves to infuriate me, and he’s far too big to fight. His name is Andrew, he’s a sports fan, I hate sports they're so boring and pointless, unless you play them, but only freaks watch sports. There’s the two love birds of our class, scratch that the two love birds of the whole school. Sean and Catherine. I greatly prefer Catherine’s company, since she isn’t as intense. She is rather timid and usually keeps to herself, but Sean helps her come out of her shell. She listens to bands like pierce the veil, and stuff like that. I too am emo, well I guess I’m more goth, but I prefer Rusty cage, and my chemical romance. They both are giant weebs, and are constantly playing Pokémon on their ds’s, I mean they are dorm so there’s not much else to do. Dorm of course means, they live here at the school, but its less like a collage and more like a residential everything is restricted, you cant even have paper. Alex who I like the best, he’s very quiet and his stomach is a black hole. I swear I’ve never seen him turn down food, he has a part in the school Christmas play, as a hungry elf, just constantly eating. He is polite and has never caused me any issues, so I try to treat him the same. Allie who is new to the dorms. A sweet soul with a bit of a mischievous glint. Marissa and sorelle don’t like her cause she takes things without asking, she thinks she’s being cute but she really is just being rude. I don’t particularly mind her though, I think she just needs some lessons in manners, and someone needs to teach her to stop making up stories. She tried to tell me she was some animal whisperer, I acted as if I believed her but I saw right through her bs, she does that a lot, make up stories about herself to look cool, I think it’s a bit childish. I suppose now I Must once again talk about Takoda, oh how just his very name makes my blood boil, so stupid, the retarted Dakoda. I once said one of his middle names (yes he has more than one) was dumb and he started crying, then gave me an essay about what all his names meant, of course I told him I didn’t care and he loudly exclaimed.

“Fuck you!” with tears running down his face, and a shaking voice. It makes me laugh to this day, what a little bitch.

At first he seemed charming and funny, but that was before I knew what a good joke was. And the creep was caught masturbating in the girls bathroom, that’s why he’s here. What a freak. He tries to tell people he was caught fucking a trans person, as if any trans person would like a total joke like him. he has no fashion sense, he wears cargo shorts and t-shirts everyday. And if you think there's nothing wrong with that, and or you do that, there is something wrong with you. He laughs at and tells the dumbest jokes, he genuinely still finds cat memes hilarious, you know the ones.

“can I haz cheeseburger.” he even keeps a book of them, he tried to say he babysat, but I saw him looking through it and laughing, what a loser.

. He also makes racist jokes, then we call him out for it, and he can’t take it he’ll get all pissy. One time we made him cry, just for calling him out for being a racist, what a loser. He said that a black guy on the tv looked like the only black student we have in our class, they looked nothing alike other that the fact that they were both black. And he has the audacity, to say that I of all people can’t take a joke, when I give him shit. Anyway, what a prick, right?

But then who am I? just some judgmental bitch, right? Well that may be true there surprisingly more to me than that. I’m mute so that should already tell you how weird I must be. But it gets better, I’m punk/goth it depends on the day. And I’m hella suicidal, and depressed. I am schizophrenic and always paranoid, but it affects me less now that I want to die. There’s nothing else really interesting with me other than the fact that I have large breasts, so I’m a big titty goth bitch.

The day starts off completely normal, if you asked me, I would say it’s too normal. I swear I haven't even heard a single person screaming. Mr. Higgans our bubbly, sweet teacher. What a saint, he began our math lesson.

“alright, so you each have your notebooks, right?” no one in the class verbally responded, but a few of us nodded, including me. I flip to a random page and start writing out the equasions on a blank page.

“alright, Evlyn do you know what page you’re doing?” I nodded and promptly began working, it was simple enough, just regular find the slope of a line. Something seemed off, the hall was quiet, I have been at this school for long enough to know that prolonged silence is not good. I swiftly get out of my seat, Mrs.. Janine as nosey as ever, is out of hers just as fast. When I reach for the door handle she quickly interjects.

“where are you going?” I tell her to piss off, by flailing my hand in a dismissive motion. She needs to learn to mind her own damn business. Grabbing the door handle, I get a horrible sense of dread, but I push past it anyway.

Pushing the door open, all I see is a yellow gloved hand and a dirty, green rag. Without a second to process, I am being held against a tall, strong body, I can hear screaming, and I watch as other masked figures flood in. the second I realize what is happening, I am struggling, kicking, punching, and fighting to hold my breath. But it’s only a matter of time before I must breath in.

#writing #creepypasta #new

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lunaneko14 · 5 years

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I really fucking hate a lot of the older Cuban folks from south Florida. They're fucking racist to most, if not all POC, and their own fellow latinxs. I've had my boyfriend's side of the family passively and subtlety berate my Mexican heritage unprovoked, and Ive gotten the stink eye from one or more of his family members whenever I or him spoke out about it. Fortunately we don't associate with them anymore, but it's still mind boggling. Fuck this shitty ass state, I want out😞L

Then leave or go to Orlando like my high school BFF did. Her Cuban dad is hella racist towards her Mexican bf even though he married and had 2 kids (one of whom is the bff) from a white woman.

And I remember in high school my bff had a boyfriend that was Cuban that she knew in middle school (before she met me in HS) and the guy was REALLY abusive but not physically, more emotionally because he would literally pull her away from all her friends (including me) when we tried to talk to her and isolate her somewhere else. This is when the Mexican bf came in and started flirting with her in her science class. Now imagine this: The Cuban bf was short and fat with the body hair of a fucking werewolf and the Mexican was tall, dark and handsome, like…….think of a young Mexican Jason Momoa so you KNOW my bff was falling for him because in addition to that he wrote her poems and songs and did that corny thing where a guy gives you a dozen roses and says “when all of these wither I’ll stop loving you” knowing one of them is fake so it’ll never wither. I don’t think the Mexican knew my bff had a man so one time he kissed her and she told me she liked it and I’m not gonna say I………..full on manipulated her but I definitely gave her a nudge towards him by saying things like “oh don’t feel guilty its just a kiss!” and eventually, she did leave the fat Cuban werewolf for Mexican Jason Mamoa and they’ve been together ever since and you can imagine how much her Cuban father likes this. They now live together in Orlando because the Mexican bf wants to be an animator for Disney.

#miami #florida #florida problems #love story #love stories #racism #cubans #mexicans #cuban #mexican #jason momoa #werewolves #werewolf #personal #lunaneko14 gets personal #high school #miami problems #racist

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fantabulisticity · 6 years

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On Minor Loss

I've always been adjacent to (human) loss but not directly impacted by it.

My roommate's brother died. My aunt had a miscarriage. Some of the siblings of people I knew in high school died or had died. My friend's dad died a couple years before I was friends with him. I've had pets die, I've helped my friends through their pets' deaths, my old manager's horse died giving birth (as did the foal), and my mom's cat died recently. I think the death of my great grandparents were the closest and most major deaths to me.

Since I graduated high school in 2014, several people in my class have been hurt. One guy fell and sustained a head injury that caused brain damage but lived and is okay. One guy died -- suicide, I think. And one guy was recently in a coma (I don't know the specifics, but I do know he had diabetes, so I would guess it had to do with diabetes), and I just now found out about his death. He died May 22, just 2 weeks ago.

It's weird. I haven't really dealt with much loss. I didn't cry when my great grandfather died, nor when my great grandmother died shortly after. I only cried at the funeral when my mom, who my great grandmother had asked to sing, sang "Amazing Grace" and "How Great Thou Art," two of my great grandmother's favorite hymns. I felt sad that my grandpa was hurting, and that my mom and grandma were hurting for him. But they were expected deaths. We knew it was coming, and it was a relief -- my great grandparents had been in pain for years and had very low quality of life. I felt glad when I heard they'd passed because it meant no more pain for them, and less pain in the long run for my family. And now, several years later, my family is healed for the most part and they're all glad my great grandparents are gone. Some of them believe they're in heaven, and some of them believe, like me, that they simply don't exist anymore save for their remains.

But when I found out about this guy I knew who died, I started tearing up. And looking through the posts on his Facebook and the pictures -- the pictures! -- I cried, then sobbed. Maybe it's because I knew him much better than I knew my great grandparents. Maybe it's because he never beat kids with a belt or was hella racist and homophobic. My great grandparents weren't the greatest people (but don't tell my mom that). But this guy was. He was a genuinely kind guy. We were never close, but he was friends with some of the people in my old friend group. We went to elementary school together. He cared about other people. He wanted to help the world. I watched him helping people, being supportive, being a good friend and community member. When I would post about human rights on my Facebook, he'd like a lot of the posts, and occasionally he'd share one or two. He was an excellent musician, a good person, and a downright weirdo, and I say that in the fondest of ways. He had a dorky smile and laugh, and he was great at making others laugh, even/especially when they were sad. I watched him pull his friends through hard times in middle school and high school.

He was my age, 22. It's so strange. I didn't know him super well, but I did know him, as you do growing up in a small town. I'm sad he never got out of here to a place that'd treat him better. I'm sad I'll never see him around town anymore and give him a nod or a wave, an acknowledgement that we know each other, even so small. I ache for his brother, who dated one of my old friends and is good friends with my best friend. I ache for the rest of his family, who I don't know but can see their hurt. I ache for his old friends whose memories I've seen splashed around Facebook. He had been friends with the first guy I mentioned who died, as well as with another guy who died who I don't know, but a lot of people were telling him to say hi to those people and that they looked forward to meeting up with him and them again.

It's a strange feeling, minor loss. I feel sad, but I wasn't very close. I'm posting this here because a lot of my Facebook friends are hurting from this much more than I am, so I don't want to muse about my slight pain in a place where people are in much more pain from the same event. Here, almost nobody knows this guy, so I can write about my feelings without hurting anyone. I'll likely be a little sad in the next week but generally business as usual. And though my pain is relatively milder, it still hurts, and it's still valid.

#personal #death tw #child death tw #parent death tw #miscarriage tw #spontaneous abortion tw #loss #injury tw #sibling death tw #religion #religion mention

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amma-af · 3 years

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mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more comfortable or confident in being who they were.

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me.

i need to go to therapy again fuck.

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