#my greatest fear was someone thinking i was completely gay

[onaperduamedee]

Notes on Crossroads of twilight

Gabrelle has some neat insights on bonding that show how different the warder bond is from every other bond forced on AS at this point. Also her relationship with Logain and the language used to talk about it are interesting: it’s an abusive relationship

For all the shit Logain did, I am fairly sure he is not a DF (and he saved Siuan), so I am rooting for him to catch onto Taim and rule the Black Tower in his place.

Oh shit, I didn't even think how the madness could affect Alanna, Elayne, Aviendha and Min. They dodged a bullet here

Still Iove RJ's thought experiment of the female fear of all men having the potential to kill and women just not knowing pushed to the extreme, resulting in male channelers destroying everything and needing gentling: A Concept

I say this completely unironically btw: I have reservations about the way gender is depicted in this universe and how power dynamics along the lines of gender works, but the concept truly is mesmerising and he clearly wove it into so many dynamics

“without the law, there was nothing” - I do appreciate the Tower's approach to accountability and sentencing, I really do. Also, I am still loving the BA hunters even if I am stressed as hell for all of them

Yukiri recalling Elaida had molested Siuan when Siuan was Elaida’s favourite, and then praising Siuan's skills... I LOVE SIUAN SO MUCH AND YEAH YOU BETTER FEEL A PANG OF SADNESS FOR HER

“Yukiri stopped and used both hands to turn the other woman to face her.” - I cackled. I have grumbled about the excessive use of gesture descriptions in the past but it can be used to the greatest comedic effect, truly

"Still, Captain-General was a ridiculous title, Battle Ajah or no Battle Ajah. At least Head Clerk really described what Serancha did, in a manner of speaking." - LOVE the AS's "workplace comedy set in an administration" energy

Seaine is onto the same thing about the Sitters as Siuan in Salidar... This is so exciting. One of the reasons I dig this plot is that it's fundamentally spy stuff. It's a conspiracy investigation wrapped in murder mystery

"Who thought about where cheese came from?" - Gawyn has many flaws but insulting me to my face about cheese is by far the greatest slight

Samitsu quickly suspects that being stilled breaks the Oaths unlike the Salidar sisters... It's very interesting to be in the POV of some of the more independent AS - if one could travel with Cadsuane and truly be independent

Loial trying to sneak out past the Aes Sedai with an Asha'man and landing in the middle of murder attempts left and right was pretty funny. I knew it was him and am so happy to see him again. I missed him

I was holding my breath during Dobraine's healing. I thought he was done, ooof. Well done, Samitsu

Outside of the Ituralde long day's journey into the snow, it honestly was one of the better prologues. It's promising!

On the Mat chapters:

-The Seanchan are beyond despicable. Of course they slaughtered the Sea Folk on top of slavery

-I would like to see Luca help kidnap the DO actually. For money, he would do it

-Egeanin is getting on my nerves and Mat should not trust her

-Noal is sneaking around and now I am suspicious

-The scene with Selucia taking the pot away from Tuon and Setalle handing her a cup they have in several versions to throw was pure screwball comedy

-it's so hazardous to have the former damane and sul'dam shacking up together, wth. Someone is bound to be killed

-Mat... Sensing Rand... That's gay

-I enjoy Mat and Tuon's dynamic, oddly. As relationship building goes, it works miles better than the others

- The white supremacy talking points and buzzwords in the Seanchan's mouths: to say I expect a lot from their depiction in the show is putting it mildly

- Tuon's doll with Karede echoes Mat's Birgitte scene from the show... Clever

I just really enjoy Mat's parts. He's tremendously entertaining, always having a scheme up his sleeve and his sense of loyalty, even to people he despises, makes him so sympathetic, even when he's being a jerk.

I gotta give it to Perrin, it takes a special kind of misogyny to go on paragraphs about not trusting Wise Ones and Aes Sedai, and then turning around and trusting Bawler who spent the entirety of the scene manipulating him. He acknowledges Bawler’s manipulation but it doesn’t make the double standard any more palatable.

“Moiraine had had to finish that pack, with balefire.” - hell yeah, I’ll take any mention of this unbreakable soul. I miss her. I am delighted the Darkhounds are back too. They are probably my favourite Shadowspawns.

Berelain is so smart. I love her and her relationship with Perrin is truly fascinating. Now that Faile is out of the picture, she has no reason to pursue Perrin as payback and she is genuinely invested in helping Perrin find her. In a queerer world, they are in a ménage à trois.

The Perrin chapters are whatever. I've made my peace with a moody description of the same spot in the woods every two pages; at least I get more Berelain to counter the moodiness and trying to figure out Masema is fun. It’s a promenade.

Faile's plot is actually quite gripping even if it's happening in the midst of some disturbing choices made in the depiction of servitude. Whether damane, gai'shain or even prisoners, I think it has something to do with the way slaves who aren’t main characters are presented in an oddly deterministic way, as if some temperament, always main characters’, will more naturally “resist” enslavement. It is obviously tied to the filtered POV, of Faile, of Mat, but I wish we got another perspective. 

I am absolutely loving the delayed reactions to Rand and Nyn's cleansing. Everyone either wants to investigate or scram. Kudos to the Rebel AS for going “Time to be nerds.”

please tell me Nynaeve comes back from the war against an arc of her own soon. I am starving. It has been more than three books. Give her a plot of her own that’s not tacked to Elayne or Rand, come on!

Nynaeve healing saidin with Rand should have been the culmination of her arc about healing the incurable. From the start, her evolution has been rooted in learning to be able to heal, despite her hatred for the Aes Sedai, despite her lack of control in her own power, and yet she was little more than a conduit here and wasn't even consulted about the process. It feels like such a waste of an arc: I truly hope the show depicts Rand actively discussing the minutiae of the healing with Nynaeve prior to the cleansing and involve her more in the actual operation.

The thing about Elayne's mildness compared to other political animals like Egwene, Berelain and Siuan is that it kinda comes out as authorial unwillingness to depict her as unappealing, specifically to a male audience: it’s very iron fist in a velvet glove through a male gaze, and I don’t like that.

Elayne and Aviendha are very cute and gay together and not even the constant reminder that they are SISTERS together can erase that. I am daydreaming about Dyelin and Birgitte having hate sex too.

Between her manœuvring to have Rand's children and comparing Rand to a horse needing to be reigned in, Elayne is losing most of the sympathy I had for her faster than Lan and Moiraine lost ta'veren on their journey. But her chapters have Birgitte and I like their dynamic.

I do love the tragedy of Birgitte and Gaidal's love story, especially as life is what is drawing them apart. She is losing his memory and her ability to find him again.

Also, I need to go cry again about Vandene and Adeleas. I hope the show keeps how affected Vandene is. In general, there’s a glaring lack of empathy for Aes Sedai or women in power from the other characters, so it’s nice to have Elayne show solicitude to a grieving AS.

As satisfying as the BA hunt is to me, the DF and spy search in Caemlyn is just landing flat: if they cannot see Mellar is a Darkfriend, no way they are right about who killed Adeleas as well, and if they are, the lack of overall precautions is infuriating.

Essande frowning at Aviendha's choice of brooch because it clashes with the gown is deeply comical given the very garish colour combination RJ sometimes describes

As fun as the reveal is that Elayne's supporters are all children practically kidnapped by Dyelin, this only reinforces the impression that hereditary monarchies are impractical and nefarious, and that Elayne is herself little more than a child. Except it’s mostly okay because they are all of royal blood? It’s very interesting to see the difference in treatment between Egwene and Elayne.

I get it's the point of the scene: they are all very young but, the only ones willing to stand up for what's right, and will prove tougher and smarter than one suspects, but you know, it's still a fantasy nepo baby basket.

‘If you have any problems, I’ll lend you a pair of breeches and some boots, and you can walk for him.’ - I cackled. I adore Birgitte. And Dyelin. Also the books insistence that breeches are scandalous and too seductive makes the show’s decision to put Moiraine in pants all the more hilarious. Ah, yes, that slutty, slutty Moiraine Sedai.

Aviendha's view on spying is understandable: she did start as a spy for the Wise Ones against Rand. Light, they were also trying to push her in Rand’s bed to gain an edge on Rand too. Poor Avi.

Merillie rebelling and noping out with probably a Windfinder is the only thing that grabbed me these chapters.

Tbf, I am not opposed to a Princesse de Clèves-like approach to fantasy: it is fun! But I don't think it tonally fits here with the rest of the book.

A great deal of Elayne's intelligence is social baggage and knowing the norms & dynamics in a specific class. It doesn't mean she isn't smart, but it means part of her sharpness is social reproduction, and comes from social and symbolic capital. Not a criticism, but it’s another interesting contrast to Egwene, who went from AS training, to fucking around unsupervised, to Aiel training, to basically spy training with Siuan.

Between Myrdaal punishing women with rape, DF coercing disgraced BA members into sex and Shaido not respecting gai’shain immunity, I am getting tired.

Man, do I love Egwene’s chapters. I get so excited when I read about her and the Rebels that I actually need to pace myself. The reflections on reform in an institution are just so good and Egwene is such a layered character: her thinking of Tar Valon as her home despite everything that happened, recognizing the prime fuel for the military is poverty but depending on them, ever reminding herself she is the innkeeper's daughter. She has grown into such a keen-eyed and strong leader.

And speaking of incredible leaders, Siuan and Egwene's desire to let Elaida win if it means preserving the Tower makes me feral. Their devotion to the Tower and their fierce protectiveness of sometimes infuriating people with no sense at all are stunning.

So, the weather is turning, meat and grain are rotting, and pests proliferating. Nothing to see here.

Egwene's reflections on the difficulties to change the White Tower are one of my favourite aspects of her chapters - along with Siuan: it's such a modern subject that echoes many tensions in current society across institutions and governments.

Egwene rediscovering how to make cuendillar and selling it to feed the army and plot ahead??? This woman? Her mind? Siuan must be proud.

"A pity she had not allowed Siuan to arrange for two quiet deaths." - Oh Light, I love their relationship so much. It's delicious. They are the pillars of the White Tower at this point.

Egwene’s tolerance for Halima's behaviour, because she cannot help how she looks, is all the more frustrating that Berelain is right here, getting slut-shamed left and right. Halima must be using some sort of compulsion to influence Egwene. Come on Egwene, you're smarter than this.

 "'Is that all you want?’ Siuan said dryly. ‘Before supper, or after?'" - As with Rand and Moiraine, their mentor/student/ruler/advisor relationship is one of the best in the books. It's layers upon layers of personal and societal baggage.

Egwene believes Rand uses compulsion on sisters and takes advice from DF: as wrong as the assumptions are, Rand hasn't done anything to discourage them. In his paranoia, he isn't planning with the people who could help the most, it's frustrating. He doesn’t have to trust them, just use them wisely.

It's also incredibly realistic: Egwene’s failure to assess the depth of his distrust makes a possible alliance even more delicate. She knows the boy he was 2 years ago, not the man he is now, although she has enough sense to see the difference. And Rand is following Moiraine’s advice, who probably would have changed her stance, as she often did in the past, had she been alive to watch this unfold.

The Hall scene was just INCREDIBLE:

Morvrin isn't wrong to point out you all need to know what happened before panicking

Sheriam's distress is darkly hilarious

Absolutely none of that mess in the Hall would have happened if Rand had informed Egwene of his plans, none

I am with Moria on this one: work with the Asha'man gdi

The Hall is basically a Roman Senate. I am howling with excitement. I cannot wait for the "quousque tandem abutere, Romanda" and the "Elaida delenda est" masterfully delivered on-screen.

I was on the edge of my seat during the whole chapter and ready to sick up from excitement. I LOVE TOWER POLITICS. Enough of this "AS are twisting the truth" nonsense, I see an occasion to engage in a battle of rhetorics. I need to dig out if fans have written meta on the rhetoric and literary devices used by AS when they talk.

Honestly, I am cross with Aviendha: she was Egwene's friend too and knows what happened with Rand. One word could have helped Egwene greatly, but no, it's hoes before bros apparently. 

"make love to him until he cried for mercy." - I'm sorry, what. This is about Gawyn btw.

Egwene dreaming herself as Sisyphus, not Altas: I need a moment to scream.

And now Halima has killed Anaiya and her warder. Egwene wake up!

So there have been Darkfriends in the White Tower from the start: an interesting parallel to the Black Tower.

Alviarin bemoaning the absence of a lift in the White Tower had me cackling. 

The Forsaken: we had machines that carried people in the sky! 

BA: can you tell me more about those elevators?

So we have First Weaver, First Selector, Captain-General, First Reasoner, Head Clerk as heads of the Ajahs. Who am I missing?

Light, the Alviarin chapter. Between Elaida agreeing to talks with the Rebels, Elaida stripping her of the stole, Mesaana caught and Alviarin marked, Alviarin wanting to use Talene although Talene has been discovered, it was bloody intense. So good.

Although I am relieved the White Tower is seeing the sense in not gentling the Asha'man at last, bonding them is a little unwise? To their knowledge, the Asha’man are still losing their mind and are doomed to die.

I adore Cadsuane's description of Nynaeve in all her spontaneousness, but I am again extremely vexed by this Nynaeveless book and her overall lack of arc across these last 3 books. Is she being punished? What is going on?

Between the warders mourning and the talk of taint sliding down one's throat, it's clear the writers' room is paying attention.

Poor Loial: just because he loves Erith, doesn't mean he must marry her now. Leave him alone, Min!

You're telling me that not only Rand is still sick despite cleansing saidin, but no Asha'man or Aes Sedai is thanking him?!? And no one besides a couple of sisters knows what he did? That's a hollow victory.

I mean, it's Cadsuane: of course she sees bonding as basically compulsion. When it is consensual, it isn't, unless one suggests Elayne, Avi and Min are abusing Rand, and Nyn is actively working to coerce Lan. Like sex, it's all about consent.

Naturally, some characters do see bonding as a tool for dominance, Cadsuane included, but such use is frowned upon: it tells us what the norm is within this universe's frame of reference and is one of the thorny elements RJ is less ambiguous about.

Fascinating insight into what Rand sees as a disinterested Creator who abandoned their creations to move on to the next. The books don't dwell on religions and beliefs in general so getting Rand's view on this sheds a light on some of his choices.

If the conversation about the Seanchan adapting for hundreds of years to their enemies' tactics to the point that the sum of Bashere, Byrne, Ituralde and co. are not enough to defeat them doesn't foreshadow Mat crushing them I am going to eat his hat.

So Harbor, uh? It's the most curious I have been about a mystery in a while. The atmosphere is so creepy and unsettling and the choice not to get involved or investigate now adds to the tension. I really hope we learn at some point what happened.

Seonid offering to stay behind to help though ❤️

And Perrin refusing to intervene is a nice callback to Moiraine not staying to help in Baerlon and the kids being so shocked. He has responsibilities and people under his care now.

WTH Perrin. The interrogation scene was brutal but necessary to push Perrin to a breaking point. At last, he leaves his axe behind: his violence was far more the expression of anger and frustration than it was a tactical choice and he knew that.

I love Mat, but his inability to recognise that what happened to the Aes Sedai was traumatic and that he's letting their captors behave as if they were still in charge is making me more than a little bit queasy.

Did Noal suggest they should kill a former slave to keep her from talking? Oh now I am really suspicious of him.

Also Mat feeling more sympathy and trust for a slaver who enjoys training slaves in her spare time than for her actual victims is phew, A Lot. I do still greatly enjoy Mat and his ragtag company, but yeah.

And I still enjoy his weird courtship of Tuon? I'm not a fan of yet another viewing/telling/prophecy smushing together characters, but the oddness of their dynamic kinda works? Actually seeing them spending time together helps.

Mat bumping into people that aren't there, so soon after So Harbor... Yeah, something is very wrong with the fabric of the universe. I wonder if this has something to do with all the balefire that has been going on.

Oh right, Tuon can channel too. I do hope she changes her ways.

Renna stabbed Egeanin? I was betting on Teslyn gutting the sul'dam, but yep, this was bound to happen. The urgency to hunt Renna was excellent too, I didn’t even mind Mat’s fixation on not killing a woman.

Halima taking down people left and right under Egwene's nose. Were they DF? Too nosy? It's nerve-wracking. 

Light, Leane and Siuan being the only ones Egwene trusts. She really is in a nest of vipers. Their relationship gives me such joy though, so much joy.

I wonder if the tale the Yellows investigate is that men can heal stilling in women completely instead of partially. This is going to upset Siuan and I don't want this.

So many things are shifting between the AS, their factions and rules, I am so excited to see this unfold.

The Egwene chapter is one of my favourite psychology-wise. The way it echoes Siuan as Amyrlin and how Egwene differs from her. And oh, the capture, the betrayal! 

I am v disappointed Rand is working with the Seanchan though. I get it but if the slavery wasn’t enough, they have a male a’dam, which Rand doesn’t know but could suspect they possess. Nope, don't want.

That one was actually quite fun! Apart from Perrin and Elayne competing for the snailest chapters, it was enjoyable. I do like that the finale was less bombastic and more psychological. The arcs hinted at have me salivating ngl. It was very much a transitionary book though and will be condensed with Winter’s Heart for sure, maybe a third, so little happened in terms of plot. As such, I’ll see how the different plots evolve before casting judgment. I was expecting much worse, but the slower parts were no slower that others in TEotW or LoC, and it does some nice work with introspection in Egwene’s and Perrin’s chapters, even Elayne’s. You just have to accept this is fantasy Reveries of the Solitary Walker. Mat and Egwene’s chapters remain my favourite.

#wot book spoilers #crossroads of twilight #The wheel of time #wot book review #first time reader #wot book journéy #so pumped for the next #Wot review

[autoartisticasphyxiation]

Taken me a while to post this one but I’ve been trying to get my words together.

I’ll be showing my age here but things really are just so different these days. When I was 6 I felt wrong. By 10 I knew I was a degenerate, even if I didn’t understand why. At 13 I had to change schools because I sat next to someone rumoured to be a lesbian. At 14 I had the open gay kid spreading rumours about me to counteract rumours bout me being bi so I wouldn’t have to change school again. I spent years dealing with a restrictive ED where all my thinspo was men and I spent my time “pretending” to be a man online and I couldn’t understand what that meant. It took me so long to find out what trans men are that I spent a good while identifying as a “female trans woman”, the only way I could make any sense of my identity without the right terminology. I was engaged to a woman “knowing” we could not ever get married. That’s the world I grew up in.

On an emotional level it is still completely incomprehensible to me that my child exists the way it does. Everything I’ve been through tells me it’s impossible. When I was pregnant, my greatest fear was that it would be like me. That I would have a queer child who would suffer as I did. For a child like that to grow up at peace with who they are was not something I could understand.

As a toddler it would say, without fear, that it is “not a girl or a boy, I’m me.”. It would run round in its frilly skirts and smart shirts and Batman shoes and bright red lipstick without a care, without worrying about being caught. When it was 6, it had a girlfriend. Everyone knew. No one said anything. It just. Had a girlfriend. And everything was ok. And *then* they both shared a boyfriend. The three of the, running around holding hands and having a great time. Over the years it has gone through every label and pronoun you can think of, and has done so with delight. It will run over to me with a grin shouting “Dad! Guess what I am now!”. It wants to share these things with me. The idea of “coming out” as a whole Thing is something completely alien to my child, whereas it has defined my life. My child just exists as it is. It dreams of a future it actually wants freely, 8 partners and too many kids in a big house where it runs an animal rescue and has a side job in art. It isn’t constructing an idea of the future that makes it “acceptable”, like I did. It’s dreams are genuine.

On its 11th birthday, we went clothes shopping. We found this hoody, in the childrens section. All the child thought was “oh cool! Gay shit! I’m getting it!”. I couldn’t believe it was real. Every time I see the size label I can’t quite believe the world is letting children exist in proximity to us. It’s a child’s hoody. It’s more than I ever hoped would happen in my lifetime. I thought children being able to exist and love freely was a hundred years away. I never dreamed my own child would be so lucky.

#art #queer shit #pride month #(belated)

[sawcathuntingplainrawlasagna]

Analysis of Avatrice as Talk and NFWMB by Hozier

I’ve been thinking abt these songs and how well they could be about Ava and Beatrice so here goes nothing

Disclaimer: this analysis is completely detached from the original meanings behind the songs. I approached the lyrics on their own and by completely ignoring the original intentions behind them.

Bea’s POV - Talk

The song begins with the line:

I'd be the voice that urged Orpheus When her body was found

Instantly, two things - first off, Avatrice is very the-myth-of-Orpheus-and-Eurydice coded and secondly, there is no way Beatrice doesn't know all about greek mythology and in particular about this exact myth. I just know her gay ass knows it by heart and is very deep into greek mythology. And also it reminds me of Portrait of a Lady on Fire which I cannot imagine not being a favourite of Beatrice's.

About the actual line - the so-called voice is one that urges Orpheus to go to the Underworld and try bring back the love of his life - Eurydice (exposing him to danger, making him do something irrational).

Beatrice risked the mission and the world in order to keep Ava and it makes a lot of sense she would see herself in this 'voice'. A voice urging to be followed into the greatest of dangers.

This ties to the next lines as well.

I'd be the choiceless hope in grief That drove him underground I'd be the dreadful need in the devotee That made him turn around And I'd be the immediate forgiveness In Eurydice

She sees herself as the problem. The problem which leads to all danger.

The narrator sees himself as all dangerous and tempting and so does Beatrice. Her feelings are putting their mission, their lives to danger. She sees herself as something that needs to be put out, a fire that is a little bit too dangerous.

As for the forgiveness in Eurydice, I assume it speaks to the part after Orpheus looks back. To me this is acceptance of this vision of herself. She has accepted she is someone, who imperils the natural, right, way of things and has based a shit ton of her decisions on that information.

Imagine being loved by me

And then there is the actual craving that peeks underneath it all - Beatrice actually dreams of taking care of Ava. But actually she already does, she wants Ava to just try and imagine it - what they could be together. She isn't even asking of her to actually answer Beatrice's call, to be loved, she wants her to imagine it. It doesn't have to be reality. She wants Ava even if it is only in her dreams. It is an image she often thinks of and doesn't dare try to make into reality.

But it also reveals something more. She knows what she can offer. The image is a good one. She knows the lengths to which she will go in order to have Ava. She knows how much she can give (because she has already done that before in her life, probably didn't end well). She probably knows it's not good for her, but she cannot help herself.

It could also be a kind of question to herself and to Ava, which she tries to answer in her head. Can Ava imagine being loved by Beatrice? Is that a possibility?

I won't deny I've got in my mind now All the things I would do So I try to talk refined for fear that you find out How I'm imaginin' you

Beatrice fantasises about Ava. About what they can be and all the things she would do. Not only when they are together, but also to get them be together. Whether that be changing seats in the van or killing off 30 armed men.

And she does talk refined. She calculates all her words and rethinks her sentences 3 times before saying them out loud. She doesn't give away her internal monologue (not with words anyway). She is reserved because she does not want to rebut their mission (and the world's well being for that matter), but also because she is scared of rejection. Right, the tough, calculating and precise Beatrice has feelings. Feelings that run very deep to say the least. And Beatrice is scared. Scared of her feelings, scared of letting the world down, scared of letting Ava down.

She talks refined in an attempt to hide behind her words, or rather sometimes lack there of. She talks refined to hide away her fear.

I'd be the last shred of truth In the lost myth of true love I'd be the sweet feeling of release Mankind now dreams of That's found in the last witness Before the wave hits, marvelling at God Before he feels alone one final time and marries the sea Imagine being loved by me

This second verse to me is once again about all the things Beatrice can and is so willing to give to Ava. All the good things she can be for Ava in the time they have together, before it all goes to hell.

I won't deny I've got in my mind now All the things I would do So I try to talk refined for fear that you find out How I'm imaginin' you x2

It is Beatrice finally accepting it all - her love for Ava, her attraction towards her, all the things she feels with her (old and new), all the thoughts that keep her awake at night, all the things she would do, all the circling around the point, all her passion.

and then

Ava's POV - NFWMB

NFWMB begins with the lines:

When I first saw you The end was soon

This line to me refers to the end of Ava's ordinary life, the end of the world as they know it and the end of Shannon's life as well.

'The end' was what brought them together and what (tried to) set them apart.

Ava remembers the exact moments she first saw Beatrice and how that was connected to the 'ending of the world'. Most importantly how that made her feel.

To Bethlehem it slouched And then, it must've caught a good look at you

Biblical references, of course, very on brand :). The end (?) slouched for Bethelehem, I interpret as a very destructive force headed for something divine. And this also fits the setting of Warrior Nun quite well, which kind of wraps it up with the exposition and gives way to Ava's feelings.

Might be a little bit of a stretch, but I feel like giving an exposition is the way Ava has been taught to begin stories, because of all the TV and books she has seen/read. She tells this story like a tale.

Give your heart and soul to charity 'Cause the rest of you The best of you Honey, belongs to me

And now we enter our topic of interest - Avatrice.

Ava knows how pure Bea's heart is and this mission that she is so emerged in seems like charity work. Not that Ava thinks Bea's intentions are entirely pure, more so that she knows how unintentionally Bea has gifted her youth to something, to a cause, to a belief. She has seen enough brutality. She knows that Bea's devotion has grown to be very strong.

But this devoted, ghost of a person that Beatrice has given to the OCS is not what her heart contains. Ava sees that. The rest of Beatrice is in Ava's eyes not 'the rest', but actually the most essential part of her. This part shines so brightly for Ava. And even though Camila and Mother Superion for example know that there is more to Beatrice, they have not seen her like that, they have not been able to read her so clearly.

This part of Beatrice is exclusively reserved for Ava, and her alone.

This line also exudes a lot of confidence. Confidence Ava has and shows, confidence with which she moves through the world and which is also one of the things that Bea is so attracted to.

She isn't being cocky or flaunting Bea's feelings, rather is telling a very big truth in a very honest way. This type of honesty about such big feelings can only work between two people who have complete trust and know how to communicate.

Ain't it a gentle sound, the rolling in the graves? Ain't it like thunder under earth, the sound it makes? Ain't it exciting you, the rumble where you lay? Ain't you my baby, ain't you my baby?

This brings a very new perspective to the world surrounding them and a direct opposite to the way Beatrice feels in the world. Ava reveals a type of sweetness in all the danger. This is not to say that it is fun to see so many get killed or to have to fight such brutal fights, but to call out an inevitable truth of it all - they are not doing it all for selfless reasons. In fact, a lot of what they do is for selfish reasons and there is no need to hide that. Ava seems to be very honest, while Beatrice is one to conceal.

What they do, even if motivated partly by inevitably selfish reasons, is still very hard. This is Ava’s appeal to Beatrice to relax and loosen up.

Nothing fucks with my baby Nothing can get a look in on my baby Nothing fucks with my baby Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

Ava has been very protective of Bea, risking it all not only once. And even though Bea has done the same, it is different with Ava. Bea is everything Ava has and the first person who has been there for her and continues to be by her side, no matter what. So Ava will fight with teeth and claws to protect that. The repetition of ‘nothing’ seems to highlight how Ava would do anything and everything to protect Beatrice.

If I was born as a blackthorn tree I'd wanna be felled by you Held by you Fuel the pyre of your enemies

Blackthorn trees are associated with witchcraft and ill omen. The Halo feels like a burden to carry, almost like carrying the cross. In a situation where Ava has to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, the only thing she wants is to be ‘felled’ by her lover. It is a play of words - the word sounds both like ‘felled’ and ‘felt’. Felled as in saved from it all. Saved like how christians aim to be saved by God, only God is a divine woman named Beatrice. And felt as in not only physically, but also emotionally. She wants them to be together in all ways possible. Physically, emotionally, here, now or somewhere else, some time else. In this life or the next.

Fuel the pyre of your enemies is an act of devotion. She wants to do the dirty work, she wants Beatrice to know.

Ain't it warming you, the world gone up in flames? Ain't it the life you, your lighting of the blaze? Ain't it a waste they'd watch the throwing of the shade? Ain't you my baby, ain't you my babe?

While the world is burning, so is their growing mutual love. The world burning is after all what brought them together, because of it they met at all. Ava is using the world going up in flames as a metonymy for their love growing bigger.

The world going up in flames is also the umbrella that covers their love story. While the world will be busy with its own destruction, underneath it all a great love story will have ran. An undercurrent determining the fate of the world. It is after all their love that is the core of it all, the determinator of fate.

Nothing fucks with my baby Nothing can get a look in on my baby Nothing fucks with my baby Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

And one last time, nothing can do harm to Beatrice as long as Ava is there. Nothing can even try and take a glance at bisexual jesus’ hot gf Beatrice (throwback to Ava murdering the girl in the bar with her eyes for daring to look at Beatrice). Looking at Beatrice is reserved for Ava, because only her gaze can do justice to Beatrice’s beauty.

In conclusion

NFWMB is a very fiery song, revealing someone ready to fight, someone who gets angry when their gf is being flirted with.

Talk is a very watery song, for someone who feels and thinks deeply, someone who gets sad when they think their gf is being flirted with.

Fire can also be gentle and warming. It needs support to burn, but can get out of control fast.

And water can be very powerful and persistent. It is healing, but also should not be undermined in its destructive properties. (it can also make ur pants wet ;))

————

But what I love the most about Warrior Nun (and Portrait of a Lady on Fire for that matter) is that the two women are equal in all ways. Meaning that these two songs can very well be swapped and would also make a lot of sense the other way around :)

We see them slowly switching positions and beliefs throughout the two seasons and the two songs can be used as reference points to the beginning and ending states of their beliefs. the binary oppositions at hand are freedom - duty, honesty - hiding, openness - reservation etc. They share a lot of the same qualities in their cores, but swing very heavily into extremities. An example is Ava who is very honest and direct in the beginning, sharing most of what goes on in her head, to Ava at the end of the second season, who straight up lies to Beatrice and hides her true plans.

There is something incredible about how Ava and Beatrice absorb so much from each other. They are almost like guiding lights to each other, but in such a morally grey world that we cannot actually tell which of the things they absorb are good and which not. We are gays, though, so definitely whatever keeps them together, right?

------

This was my humble analysis, I hope you enjoyed it and if you actually made it this far, I love you and thank you.

Take care, gays.

Drink your water, go outside and do not forget to breathe.

and of course keep begging for #SaveWarriorNun :)

Screenshots of the whole lyrics of Talk and NFWMB below.

MERRY CHRISTMAS <3

#avatrice #warrior nun #warrior nun analysis #cancel netflix #ava silva #sister beatrice #thoughts #queer representation #sapphic #lgbtq #gay ships #they are gay #roommates #bisexual jesus #warrior nun season 2 #save warrior nun #ava x beatrice

[hella1975]

hi hella i hope you’re doing fine because i know i’m not and it’s YOUR fault. let me explain.

okay i have an exam this week and my fucked up brain decided to start bungou stray dogs (i’m currently reading the manga. pray for me) because APPARENTLY when i run out of things to watch i turn into ‘what hella said was watching?’ and start whatever shit you talk about on your silly little blog. this happened A LOT in the past (i did not forgive you for banana fish). it’s not really your fault i’m neglecting my academic studies to watch gay people but i have to put the blame on someone????? i can’t blame my own idiocy???? ANYWAY. i’m writing this ask not to complain to you about my brain but because i want to know your opinion on something, cause i trust your judgment. genuinely curious: what do you think about akutagawa and shin soukoku????

hope you have a great *insert the time you’ll read this ask* !!!! <3

BESTIE IM SO SORRY SDKGJHSDKJGHDKJSGH but also CHUUYA NAKAHARA like there really is nothing better than that you have absolutely made a good call here

im guessing you're asking about my thoughts on akutagawa and ssk separately and not one in regards to the other? i absolutely ADORE akutagawa like he's sooooooooo funny 'i dont remember introducing myself as mute' KING SHIT but also on a more serious note he makes me sooooooo sad and it only gets worse the more of the manga you read. i can really see some solid foundations for a redemption (mind 'redemption' means in regards to bsd where very few characters come close to actually morally good so yk. pinch of salt) and i just think if dazai got his happy ending the akutagawa should too. there's a whole cycle of abuse in bsd that goes mori -> dazai -> akutagawa -> kyouka and out of ALL OF THEM kyouka was the only one to break away from it, but AKUTAGAWA was the only one to show some sort of humanity. even dazai only complimented akutagawa because he was kinda pushed into it by atsushi, whereas akutagawa UNPROMPTED with ZERO GOOD ROLE MODELS told kyouka that he was proud of her. he's still incredibly young and he was brought into this world when he was even younger and he's very much a 'i excuse his heinous crimes' character bc he was cool while he did it. i just want him to be hugged :(

so yes im a BIG shin soukoku shipper because i love akutagawa but i also love love LOVE atsushi, and i just think them paired together works so surprisingly well. initially it was the classic 'light/dark, sunshiney one/grumpy one' etc, but it's actually more than that. atsushi, someone usually so kind to the point of being a bit of a pushover, never hesitates to snap up Thee Port Mafia's Hellhound. like they argue with each other! and it's so important both for akutagawa, who doesnt really have anyone keeping him in check let alone even ATTEMPTING to enforce a moral code, and also atsushi, who seems to only defend himself so shamelessly, so instinctively, when it comes to akutagawa. they're on complete level playing fields for the first time in their lives and they make each other stronger and they're each other's greatest fear and worst enemy and other half and it's a love story told twice before and certainly will be told again and maybe one day, one day it wont have such a tragic ending

#bsd's generational parallels send me honest to god balls to the wall insane #ANONSTIE TALK TO ME ABOUT CHUUYA I CAN TALK TO YOU ABOUT CHUUYA IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT CHUUYA #good luck with your exam though! #ask #bsd #akutagawa ryunosuke #shin soukoku #also bestie you should read beast it will ruin your day

[lotrfantasy]

i haven’t had to come out since 2017. i come out to someone at least once a year. i am bisexual. i identify as gay. i’m a gender agnostic. i like girls. i still like men. being queer is a large part of my identity. i worry i like any form of non-binaryness best, and maybe that means i’m fetishizing peoples gender identity. being queer doesn’t impact my day to day life. i think about it always. in the womb, before i was born, happening every day— it doesn’t matter when i became queer, it’s one of the greatest gifts of my life. i can’t tell my grandmother. i can’t tell one of my oldest friends. i lie by omission. i talk about it too much. i was never homophobic. i curse god that i was born in 1998, and not 2008, because then maybe i wouldn’t have internalized homophobia like this. i fear that if i’d been born in 1898 i would never have unlocked this side of myself and i would have toiled as someone’s wife all my life. i fear i may still toil. i fear any man is too man for me. i fear i’ll never feel complete until i lie with woman and man and someone else, too. i couldn’t say it out loud to my family so i had to write it down instead and when they read it, i cried. i tell people i always knew i was gay. i tell people i sometimes still don’t know what i am. do straight people cover the “does your family know?” topic on the third date? it’s my duty to come out as gay so that comfortable homophobes are made uncomfortable. so that you confront your biases. so the issue is real to you. to make it easier for the next person, the next generation, so that we move forward. the A stands for ace, not ally, this truly isn’t about you. allys should be allowed in LGBTQIA+ orgs because no one should be forced to out themselves to enter a safe space. you shouldn’t take up room in the narrative if you’re cishetero, pass the microphone along. the best thing an ally can do is make a stand against their homophobic friends, family, community. take me to church, and i’ll worship like a dog. cishets are the same as us because us and them are again socially constructed. but the consequences are still real.

#personal #🤪 #incoherent

[wigglebox]

hello i am having thoughts TM

and yes, these are cockles thoughts, and yes it’ll probably get a little tinhatty, but i don’t care. we’re doing what we’re doing tonight, aren’t we?

anyway, first of all, a label doesn’t define a relationship. 

okay that’s out of the way. 

onto what i think it’s going on. 

i think... 

that in the course of his marriage and experimentation and all that, over the years, it's mostly been with another women, by vicki's own words in her book. it feels like that was the trend. [...] ETA: i have changed this sentence to take out indications in the book that he may have been with men. i typed it odd and realized i implied that. [...] idk if it ticked enough boxes for him. labels mean different things to different people personally when presented with them. 

time goes by, meets jackles. things hit off. a friend mentioned men in woods sounded tentative, and i agree, and i’m sure plenty of y’all felt that too. i am also one of those little monsters that thinks it’s about jackles, personally. 

like he did not intiate anyhting in that poem. something happened in that poem for it to be included at the end of that section of love, especially when the first poem in that section is about someone else making, i assumed vicki, happier than misha made her feel. i’m free for different interpretations on that, since i’m admittedly not that great with poetry lol.

so the last poem to me, MIW, is about someone who makes him feel happy.

but god as my witness i don't think he thinks a a few trysts as part of a threesome or whatever with a dude over the course of his marriage and then one relationship that's really deep in several kinds of ways with one other man is enough to convince misha he's anything but straight with some fluidity thrown in there.

i think he's been opening up more, however. i and a lot of others, maybe you reading this was thinking that too. that cas and pride month post, wearing pride merch outside of pride month etc etc. 

one thing from his thread that stood out to me was this 

i think he needs to talk about it. Or wants to talk about it even. last week, or so, there was an article published by Natalie Fisher. in there she talked about that little cas essay thing that we always hoped he’d publish. in there he said this:

so i don’t think he thinks he’s queer enough to get a queer label or talk in these spaces. 

before I go on, i just want to preface this by saying i do respect where he wants to land. if he says he’s something, by golly i’ll salute and say ‘yes sir’ because it’s his life and that’s what he wants. but straight doesn’t mean the frat bro down the road who has a massive pick up truck and will constantly tell you that it’s only boobs babes and beer in his brain. like that’s not everything. 

there’s a no mans land between what someone can perceive bisexuality or pansexuality to mean, and what they perceive straight to be. i don’t know his definitions. i don’t know how he looks at these things. but we know he’s been kissed by another man, been on a camping trip with them, skinny dipped in a ‘shallow stream’. we also know his other little quips over the years that have indicated more or less why we thought he’d land in Queerland USA. 

clearly that didn’t happen. and personally, and i’m not saying this to invalidate him, but personally i think what he needed is to talk to people about this. idk maybe he’s doing it IRL and we’re naturally not privvy to it. but again, i go back to this part of his tweet

and how he brought up even bisexuality in a little comment about being introverted or extroverted. he didn’t have to do that. and he didn’t have to make the other comments too. 

i think he wants to discuss it, or wanted to. 

but his quip [adhd is a curse] flew too close to the sun. i absolutely do not think the media would have picked up on it if we weren’t parading it around everywhere. but i also fault the media as well, publishing these articles about him without speaking with him, even getting facts wrong about his personal life. everyone has skin in this horribile game so we may as well own up to it. there’s no different between a reporter assuming what his words meant, and us assuming what his words meant. 

so again, i do think that he wanted to talk about it but it’s been a hard conversation to have. 

and now idk if we’ll ever get it. 

the press got ahold of it and once it hit people magazine, i think this is what happened [warning, tinfoil on!]:

1) he now realized he couldn’t really talk about it anymore. 

2) i truly think those articles were a little scary and was getting out of hand. the articles named his children and his ex wife. he has to make sure they’re okay. his kids are getting older, they’re online now. idk if they have twitter or anything but peers may, and peers may see his name trending and click on it wondering what’s going on. protect the family. 

3) any confirmation that he considers himself slightly off the path of straight now opens up people to pry into his private life. you know what’s just beneath the surface of ‘is misha bi????’

cockles shit. you don’t think the press can find this stuff? someone posted about them living together after that tweet last summer, based off of information they had received [which, unrelated but slightly related, very not cool at all wtf]. you don’t think a journalist won’t find misha’s poly comments? his wife’s book? dig up old gossip on jensen of all people? and i bring him up especially because that man has already had gossip columnists accusing him of being gay since early in his career. there were gossip blogs claiming j2 were a thing so much — why would misha want him to go through that again? takes maybe a night of digging through things and receipts. we documented that shit well. 

so that leads me to 

4) protect friends, but especially jensen. like okay again, very VERY tinhatty, but if we’re taking an objective eye to this, it’s clear that even if they’re just friends, they’re pretty damn good friends. with all the jokes over the years, all of our own receipts and speculation, all of the past context a journalist needs to dig up rumors that jensen is, once again, ~*gaaay! oooohhh!!!*~ that’s not great news. 

and from there that’s how Dee gets roped into it, that’s how THEIR kids get roped into it. they’ve had to deal with these allegations before, and they’re pretty private as a family. don’t want to drag people through that. 

so

if misha decided to yoink a label that he didn’t feel comfortable yoinking in the first place, but decided to yoink a queer label without meaningful discussions with people about his sexuality, like he clearly has on his mind, then that would have opened up family, friends, family OF the friends, his whole life up, others’ whole lives up...

and we know what hollywood does to men when this happens. 

no, i don’t think misha intentionally sabotaged himself in the name of cockles or whatever, but i do think this is a multi-faceted thing. 

he’s straight, by his own definition. but it still doesn’t feel like the whole story. and all we can really do is just keep holding hands with him and hope one day there are things he can tell us.

#this got #way longer than intended #shellfish #for the blacklist #also please keep in mind? #if you're queer right now #what was your journey like? #i'll start: #i thought i was very straight until i got a crush on a friend #the crush scared me because it came out of no where and i didn't expect ofr it to happen #the friend identified as a girl at the time tho it's not like we knew there were other options available #but anyway #i was calling myself straight until right when i broke up with my third boyfriend #realizing i can't be with someone while i still had a crush on this girl #but that's okay i'm not straight but at least i'm bisexual! right? i #can still like boys #and still be 'normal' #keep in mind this is very early 2010s and there was still very little community support and discusison about this #my greatest fear was someone thinking i was completely gay #my absolute greatest fear was no longer having a shred of desire in my body for a man because i felt that #identifying as a lesbian would cause a whole host of issues for me #i didn't want to engage in the community i didn't want to suddenly deal with the issue of finding a girlfriend #and indeed i still haven't #i didn't want to deal with the pain of having another crush only to have it be completely unavailable for me #with men i still had options in my head #with just women i felt like i was being punished #i didn't accept i was a lesbian until like 3-4 years ago #it took me that long #i'm 31 now #oh no i ran out of tags

[wannabe-fic-writer]

WandaNat x Reader : In Their Arms

Summary: You feel safer in their arms than you do in your own home.

Warning: Domestic Abuse, Language, Homophobia

Word Count: 1,602

* * * * * *

'Can’t make movie night. Dinner with Jack. Srry.’

“Uggggghhhhh!”

Natasha’s brows raise at the long groan coming from her girlfriend,“ what’s wrong?”

Wanda’s eyes roll and she throws her phone back on the bed and trudges to the bathroom. 

Now frowning, Natasha picks up the phone, eyes scanning the message Y/n had just sent. And she completely understands her girlfriend’s frustrations. 

This had to be the hundredth time you’d canceled on them for your boyfriend. No matter what it was lately you’d always find some reason to cancel on them to be with Jack.

Both women were upset over it for a number of reasons. The more obvious one being that they don’t think Jack is good enough for you, or right for you in any way. It’s clear as day that the man is a power hungry misogynistic homophobic asshole.

They had noticed it the first night they met him at dinner with the both of you. 

Everything you said was countered with him seemingly one upping you: Wanda and Natasha asked about work and you began to reply only for him to cut you down with his opinion of your work and how his job(as an accountant) was a real career compared to yours(as a photographer).

When he left to the bathroom you profusely apologized and claimed he wasn’t always like that, something about a long day at work leaving him cranky. But the women knew that wasn’t it. And even if it was it wasn’t a valid excuse. 

It all became too much at dinner another night when he implied that Natasha and Wanda’s relationship wasn’t “real” because they were two women. That was the first time they saw you stand up to him, in defense of your best friends, but he quickly shut you down. 

They hated seeing it. They know how strong and incredible you are and couldn’t understand why you were with someone who didn’t even see you as an equal, who didn’t treat you like the queen you are. 

Both women would love nothing more than to be the ones showing you what you deserved but they had never gotten any indication that you one: were into women and two: into them. And then you got with Jack. So they silently loved you, making sure to remind you of your worth since they knew your self-esteem was taking hits in your relationship.

Natasha’s pulled from her thoughts when her girlfriend emerges from the bathroom. Green eyes scan over Wanda’s form and a subconscious smile tugs at her lips. 

“As much as I would love for Y/n to be here, she’s made her decision and we should respect it.” The redhead says, pulling Wanda in by her waist.

The younger woman’s fingers slip into red tresses,“ but it was a dumb decision,” she groans again,“ and I miss her. It’s been weeks Nat.” 

God did she know it. She hated not seeing you as much as she use to it. And silently vowed to never take your presence for granted again. That is whenever she can bask in it again.

“I know and I miss her too but we can’t force her to spend time with us.” Natasha says, watching as her girlfriend crawls on to the bed and curls into herself. 

She grumbles something that Natasha doesn’t hear. So the ex-assassin wraps herself around Wanda, pulling her close and resting her chin on the woman’s shoulder,“ speak up lyubov.” 

“Since when is spending time with us forced?” 

Your relationship with the women was a strong one. Having met years ago when Pepper and Tony hired you to photograph their wedding(post Tony’s snap). 

The women were taken with the simplicity of your life and were amazed with the work you did. Just as much as you were taken with the complexity of theirs and equally amazed at their work.

It was on a whim that you contacted them to hang out, a simple lunch “date” as you’d said. And your friendship with them grew from there. To the point where you spent almost every free night you all had, together. Eventually they became the two people you could tell anything to and you trusted them with your life and vice versa, except their feelings branched past friendly. 

Still they never imposed that on you. In fact you had no idea.

Before either woman can could continue their phones buzzed. Another notification from you. 

Excitedly Wanda opens it, hoping it’s you saying you’ll come over anyway. That excitement quickly switches to dread.

The audio message plays, your cries and screams blaring in the quiet of their bedroom. Accompanied by the horrid thuds and obvious slapping sounds.

Neither woman had moved so fast in their lives. Springing from the bed(Natasha equipping her Widow’s Bites) and leaving their home. They take the familiar route to your house and waste no time going inside, as quietly as possible so as not to enrage your attacker. 

“-me for them? As if they could give you something I haven’t!” The gruff shouts of a familiar voice makes Wanda freeze in her position pressed against the kitchen wall.

Your followed cries shatters her heart. 

“Please stop. Please.” 

“You disgust me.” He spits.“ I knew there was something was wrong with you but being gay-”

Whatever he says next is distorted and cut off by the volts now running through his body. 

Still in a state of fear, you flinch away from Natasha when the woman reaches you. And seeing how fragile and beaten you were angered and hurt her beyond belief. 

She shoots another Widow’s Bite at the man before kneeling beside you. 

“Y/n, hey,” her voice is softer than it’s ever been,“ milaya I need you to come with us. I’m not going to hurt you, ever.” 

E/c, tear filled eyes, look into green and you’re washed with a sense of security. In her eyes you’re reminded of the greatest love you’ve ever felt. It’s always been there but it matters now more than ever. 

With a nod from you, Natasha helps you up and passes you over to Wanda. You miss whatever it is they say, just overly aware of the pain from your forming bruises. 

Wanda eases you into the backseat, scooting in herself, and pulling you into her arms. Sobs wrack your body that make tears well in Wanda’s eyes. She does her best to calm you, whispered assurances of your safety and worth breaking through your cries. 

Getting from your house to their home is a blur. You feel as if you’re flowing in and out of consciousness even though you aren’t.

The severity of what happened weighs on you, making each blink feel like days of darkness, making your body feel empty despite your broken spirit inside it. 

You think and over think the situation. You blame yourself, feeling stupid for not recognizing that this is the kind of man he is. You hate yourself for sticking with him, having thought he’d return to the charming man he was when you’d first met.

His verbal abuse was one thing, not acceptable but not physical. You shouldn’t have stuck around for that and honestly had you left him when it began you never would’ve been in this position. 

How could I have been so stupid? So weak?

Natasha’s eyes snap to yours at the mumbled words.

Words you apparently thought out loud. 

The red head kneels in front of you in an instant and her hands gently squeeze the unbruised parts of your arms.

“You are far from weak and stupid.” Her words are stern, the hate in them directed to the man that made you feel that way, and the assurance in them for you.“ He is the weak one. He is the stupid one. Do not blame yourself for this Y/n.” 

Seeing tears roll down the flawless cheeks of the ex-assassin stirs something in you. Feelings that you’d just recently begun to understand. And the returning presence of the woman’s girlfriend makes them all the more prevalent.

Fingers wringing together, you tell them what had happened,“ I was breaking up with him.” Both sets of green eyes widen.“ I told him that I had developed feelings outside of our relationship, feelings for my best friends, and he lost it.” Your fingers clench around each other,“ he told me my feelings were wrong, that it was disgusting-”

You don’t have to continue because they know. 

What they heard going into your house makes sense now. He was shouting about them. 

You have feelings for them.

The warmth of the arms that surround you make more tears splash down to your hands. Hands that are pulled apart and encased in the warmth of Natasha’s hands. 

She shares a look with the younger girl behind you, who’s arms hold you close.

Both of them dreamt of this moment. Dreamt of you confessing your feelings to them but they hate that it came about this way. And while there is nothing they can do about what has already happened, they can ensure that it never does again. At their hands or anyone else’s.

“You’re safe with us,” Wanda whispers into your ear, body hugging you closer as her chin rests on your shoulder,“ we love you.” 

“And we will never, ever hurt you.” Natasha adds, moving to sit at your side to wrap her arms around you and Wanda. 

Despite the events of a mere few hours ago, you feel safe, you feel at home, all because you’re in their arms. 

* * * * * *

taglist: @trikruismybitch

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #wandanat #wandanat x reader #marvel #marvel x reader #mcu #mcu x reader #asks #request #reader insert

[washipink]

Yu-yu Kondo and Vanguard overDress’s Greatest Flaw

    I love Cardfight!! Vanguard. It means so much to me, more than I have time to articulate here. Which is why it disappoints me so much to have to have this discussion. Let’s take ourselves back to earlier in the year. Why don’t we? Cardfight!! Vanguard overDress is announced to be a real, actual seasonal anime. A seasonal anime with a real, renowned animation studio and character designers. On top of this, the actual card game is about to become the best it has ever been. We are shown new artwork of the story’s main characters week after week to hype us up even more. Then, WSlasher releases a video. “What Bushiroad isn’t Telling About Vanguard Overdress”. This was the beginning of the end.

    In WSlasher’s video, released 3 months before the airing of the first episode, he asserts that Yu-yu will wear girls’ clothes and a wig in Vanguard overDress. He also liberally uses the word Trap, doubling down when confronted about its modern transphobic usage. This alone would worry me as a trans card fighter. The worst possible outcome in my mind was WSlasher’s video being accurate. Despite my fears, I held out hope that Yu-yu would be handled with respect and care, rather than being used for transphobic comedy at his own expense. 

    The first episode of overDress came and went. People loved it. It saw rave reviews from Vanguard Fans and non-Vanguard Fans alike for its gorgeous animation and beautiful soundtrack. I was so happy to see Cardfight!! Vanguard winning and yet… Something bothered me. Yu-yu was forced into clothes, even forced into lacy underwear by his family. It was all very uncomfortable to watch. Add this to the show’s very reductive view of gender. Megumi comments on Yu-yu wearing “boys’ shoes” and a “boys’ backpack”. The show tells us this is a contradiction. The show threatens that the slightest nuance in gender presentation will out Yu-yu as not what he appears. The cherry on top was the fact that Yu-yu wasn’t even the one to tell the others he wasn’t a girl. That was Tomari. If you think about the situation in any realistic context, there was a high chance Tomari Seto outed a transgender teenager against their will while they were far away from home in the middle of the night. She did not know Yu-yu’s side of the story. Yu-yu did not give her permission to say what she said. Tomari seemed to be unaware of the potential consequences of her actions. It hurts to see and quickly establishes Tomari as someone I absolutely would not trust. overDress was off to a rough start for me. I was not allowed to enjoy it as much as my cisgender and/or heterosexual peers. That feeling only got worse as every other episode seemed to add in playful, joking, gay scenes between Yu-yu and the 7-years-older Danji. Before the first episode aired, we were told a core theme of the show would be diversity. Instead, the diversities held by very real people were used as quick jokes. 

    However, overDress was not quite hopeless in this regard. In episode 2, the topic of Yu-yu’s clothes is broached once more. Zakusa says some words to him that borrow from very common gender metaphors. As he sketches butterflies he asks Yu-yu, “Do you think butterflies know how to fly as soon as they leave their cocoons? Perhaps they know that they will one day soar from the moment they are born.” Butterflies change their form and learn to fly, much like a trans person coming into their true self and becoming stronger and happier for it. Lines like this being uttered so early in the show’s run gave me hope. I genuinely had faith that perhaps Yu-yu’s relationship to gender and even to his sisters would be explored. Perhaps Yu-yu would come to realize that the problem wasn’t that they were girls’ clothes. The problem was that they were not clothes he CHOSE. Yu-yu doesn’t even have to straight up be a trans girl to be an inspiration for gender non-conforming teens watching overDress every week. Is this a turn for the better? Is this a major struggle of Yu-yu’s that the show explores? No. No, it is not. Instead, Yu-yu and dresses are brought up together for the sake of throwaway gags. In episode 5, we see Yu-yu don the dress his sisters gave him again so that he can be a ring girl at Danji’s Cardfight Pro Wrestling match. This is complete with the audience fawning over him and Megumi being angry that he receives attention from men that she does not. In episode 7, a member of Team Blackout asks Yu-yu to wear a frilly, pink dress so that he can watch. Tomari buys Yu-yu a little girls’ pretend doctor outfit in the same episode, expecting him to wear it. Tomari is the one who makes the most jokes at Yu-yu’s expense. When combined with her outing Yu-yu, it’s not a good look. 

    Cardfight!! Vanguard overDress’s greatest flaw is not its pacing, its lack of conflict, or any animation errors. The greatest flaw this show has is that a significant portion of its viewerbase is treated as a joke. It is acceptable to make fun of the idea that Danji or Yu-yu could be gay. It is acceptable to call Yu-yu a trap and ridicule him for being “reduced” to wearing dresses. In turn, it is acceptable to turn that mockery on queer cardfighters who want something better. While doing so, the show sprinkles little hints that maybe it does care and maybe it does wish to be kind to us in hopes that we don’t stop watching. Cardfight!! Vanguard means so much to me. It means much more than I could ever articulate here and it’s a shame to see it turn its back on people like me. 

#cardfight!! vanguard #cfv #cardfight vanguard #vangaurd overdress #essay #queer studies #queerbaiting #lgbt media #transphobia #transgender #trans women #anime #kondo yuyu #tomari seto #danji momoyama #zakusa ishigame #megumi okura #yuyu kondo

[ordinaryschmuck]

My Favorite Moments from It All Started with a Jacket (Chapters 1-10)

Now that I have written ten chapters of It All Started with a Jacket (how the hell are y’all still reading it), I thought I comemorate the occasion by sharing my favorite moments from each chapter. More specifically, every moment that was the most fun for me to write. This can range from moments that made me laugh at my own dumb jokes, or moments that I felt proud of for how well they turned out. Either way, this list is gonna be long. Like, rrrreeeaaallllllyyy lllooonnng. So you might want to strap in before clicking ‘Keep reading.’

Chapter 1

Amity and the car horn

"Oh no, you don't!" Luz sprinted over to Amity's car, to which her rival had already gotten in, and locked the doors. Just as Amity started the engine, Luz was already there, beating her hand against the window.

"If you think I'm too afraid to break a car window, you've got another thing--"

HOOONK!

"...You've got another--"

HOOOOOONK!

"You've got--"

Amity raised her hand above the car horn again with her eyebrow raised and her grin amused. She was essentially challenging Luz to finish that sentence.

"..."

"..."

"...You'vegotanotherthingcoming--"

HOOOOOOOOOONK!

"THAT TEARS IT!"

Amity sniffing Luz’s jacket (the main reason why I wrote this in the first place)

Amity set the hanger back where she found it and slowly lifted Luz's jacket up to her face. For a while, she did nothing, choosing instead to just stare at it. And then, she briefly took a small sniff.

'Well, that was a mistake,' was all she could think as intoxicating smells of pinecones and lemons started overtaking her senses. Almost immediately, Amity grabbed the jacket with both hands and shoved her face into it, inhaling more of the scent. After letting out a euphoric sigh, Amity looked at it again, shrugged, and put it back on.

Amity’s apology

"I said that I'm sorry." Amity continued, "Not just for the jacket, but for everything. The insults, the name-calling, and especially the fighting. I'm sorry for all of it."

"...Are you dying?"

"Wha--No!" now Amity turned to face Luz, "Why is that the first thing that came to your mind?"

"I don't know, man," Luz shrugged, "This just seems like some sort of final repentance type of shit. Like when Tom needed Jerry to sign him off to take the escalator to heaven."

"Who the hell is Tom and Jerry?"

"The greatest comic duo of all time, that's who!" Luz genuinely seemed insulted that Amity didn't know, to which she rolled her eyes in response.

Luz’s reaction

Luz opened the door and was about to leave. But then:

"I saw the bi flag."

After Amity spoke, Luz froze in her place. One foot was out the door, and her face was already turned away from Amity's, so she couldn't gauge an expression. So Amity took her chance to go on.

"It's hidden in a spot a person could barely notice, so there's no way that it came with the flag already sewn it," she explained, "Even if you bought the jacket from someone else, you could have easily torn it out. I've seen you done worse. But you kept it in, which makes me think that maybe...That maybe you're bisexual."

Luz didn't say anything.

She didn't do anything.

Instead, she stayed frozen in place, and Amity still couldn't tell what was going on in the human's mind at the moment. Not that she ever could. Eventually, Luz slowly and stiffly sat back in the passenger seat and slammed the car door shut. Her eyes were tight shut, and breathing was ragged, and Amity thought Luz was seething. But then Amity recognized what Luz was doing. She had done the same thing many times when forced to talk with her mother.

Luz was forcing herself not to cry.

Luz’s rant

"...Did you not tell anybody?" was all Amity could ask.

"...I told Willow," Luz confessed, "She has gay dads, so I thought: 'Hey, she gets it.' Other than that, nobody else knows. Except for you."

"Not even your mom?"

"Especially not her! She's super religious! If I came out to her, then I might as well pack a suitcase and get ready to live on the streets!"

"Why?"

"Because humans are not like witches," Luz looked back at Amity, clapping her hands for emphasis, "For humans, what matters in life is the color of your skin, the people you like, and the gender you're given at birth. Go against any of that, and you're screwed!"

"That's awful."

"That's life!" Luz stated, her eyes glistening, "And I had to put up with that bullshit for all of it! I had to deal with dumb gringas in the locker room who might think that I was a pervert just because I liked girls. I had to deal with pretending to be interested in one gender and hide a part of myself that people think I should be ashamed of! I had to deal with the fear that the one person I trust the most might throw me to the curb because of something that shouldn't even matter!"

Luz paused to wipe tears that had leaked out from her eyes.

"I had to deal with all of that," she went on, "Because that's just what humans are like. I wish we were like witches. I really do. But we're not, and the sad part is, we might never will."

Chapter 2

Luz is a prick

Luz kicked a discarded beer can down the sidewalk. Only to just as quickly picking it up and ditching it in a recycling bin that someone left out on the curb for trash day. Luz may be a rebel, but she isn't a lazy prick.

"And what the hell does me being bi have anything to do with it?"

"Bi what?"

Luz stopped both her walk and her ramblings after hearing that voice. Looking to her left, Luz saw a woman carrying her groceries to her house. That woman is Mrs. Kranstien, a white, middle-aged gossip who's part of Luz's mom's church group. Also known as the last person Luz wanted to find out that she's bisexual.

"Uh, bilingual," Luz brushed it off, seeming like she isn't panicking right now. Which she is. "Significa que hablo dos idiomas. What else could I mean?"

"Well, you don't have to be so rude about it," Mrs. Kranstien harrumphed, "It is not becoming of a young lady."

"Y no tienes que meter la nariz donde no pertenece," Luz shrugged, "Pero, ¿quién soy yo para juzgar?"

"...What does that mean?"

"It means you're absolutely right, and I am so sorry for being so rude," Luz turned on her heel and kept walking, "Adios, gringa!"

"Is 'gringa' a compliment!" Mrs. Kranstien called out as Luz walked away.

"Sure is! Make sure to say it to your friends when you have the chance!"

Ok, maybe she is a little bit of a prick.

Luz’s indecision

"Should I do this?"

Luz gently rubbed the blade of the knife.

"...Yeah. Yeah, I definitely should."

She lowered the blade over a thread sewn in but stopped a tenth of a millimeter away from it.

"But it's not even noticeable."

Luz raised the knife away.

"Although Blight did notice it."

And lowered it back down again.

"But that's because she was wearing it. It's not like mom could ever wear this."

"But what if it's laundry day and she takes the jacket without you knowing?"

"I mean, that could happen, but she would have to actively search for it."

"Is that really worth the risk, though?"

Luz started twirling the knife in her fingers at this point. The bi flag still remained intact, with not a single thread being taken out. Most days, Luz would barely notice it, and she's the one who always wears her jacket. Now, more than ever, the bright colors of the flag seemed incredibly noticeable.

"No," Luz shook her head, "It's not worth the risk."

She lowered the knife again and even got the blade under a thread. But before she could do anything remotely similar to removing the string, she hesitated. Again.

"...But it's also who I am," Luz sighed, pocketing her knife and putting the jacket back on.

"It's a part of me," Luz lightly beat the back of her head against the wall, "Taking it off isn't going to change anything, and it especially won't make me any less bi."

Chapter 3

Nerds being nerds

Amity nearly spat out her slushie.

"You read The Good Witch Azura?" Luz rolled her eyes at the question.

"Alright, listen," she started, "Before you make fun of me for it, you should know--"

"I love Azura."

"--It's not the cutesy kids' book that people think...it...is..." Luz looked shocked as she faced Amity's wide grin, "What did you just say?"

"It was my favorite book series growing up," Amity explained, "It still is, today."

"...No shit."

"Yeah! In fact, when I was nine, I wished I could have been just like Azura herself."

"Same!" Luz's smile became just as wide, "The grand adventures? The ability to just get along with everybody she meets? That was the shit for when I just a little tater tot."

"For me, it was how powerful her magic is," Amity confessed, "I could only dream of being as talented as she is."

Chapter 4

Snowball fight

And that's when something cold hit her in the back of the head.

Turning around to find the culprit, Amity saw none other than Luz hiding her laughter behind a hand.

"Did you just do what I think you did?!" Amity asked incredulously.

"Hey, we may be cool now...but I'm gonna take a shot when I see it. Alright?"

Amity glared at that, drawing a spell circle soon after. At the circle's completion, two dozen snowballs began to rise in the air around them, and Luz's face became pale to the sight.

"...On second thought," Luz nervously smiled as she raised her hands in surrender, "Parlay?"

"..."

Amity pointed her finger at Luz, and all of the snowballs immediately knocked the human onto her back.

"I don't think so," Amity quipped, walking over and offering a hand to her friend.

“Drug” deal

"Is that a bad thing?"

"...Eh, probably not," Luz shrugged, "I got the goods in my backpack, by the way. You want me to give it to you now, or wait until after school?"

"t sounds like you have drugs in your backpack with the way you said that."

"Who says that I don't?"

Amity let out a light laugh. Luz didn't even seem shocked anymore.

"I'll wait until after school," Amity said when they got to the double doors, "The last thing I need is the wrong person to find out that I like...you know what."

"Got it," Luz nodded only to then lean closer to whisper, "I'll see then for the transfer. And if you get caught, I was never there."

"Ok, now I got to ask: Are you actually planning to give me drugs after school."

"Of course not!"

Luz winked.

"Drugs are bad, especially for our age."

She winked again.

"I wouldn't ever dream of doing something so vile."

And again.

"...I hate you."

"What else is new?"

"Just give me the book after school, doofus!" Amity said between chuckles.

"Yes. Of course. 'The book.'"

Luz winked for the fourth time, and Amity just pulled the human's beanie over her face in response. The two then laughed as they went their separate ways.

Amity’s jealousy

"Hey, is it ok if I ask you a favor?"

"Depends," Luz blew into her hands for extra warmth, "What's the favor?"

"Well...Skara invited me to a party she's throwing next Friday. And I was wondering if you could come with me."

"Which one is Skara again," Luz asked, "I know she's one of Boscha's lackeys, but I can't remember. Is she the tall and skinny one, the small and cute one, or the hot yet nerdy looking one?"

If she wasn't wearing gloves right now, Amity would wager that her knuckles went white with how tightly her hands gripped the steering wheel.

"You think Cat is hot?"

"Eh. Objectively, yeah," Luz shrugged, "Also, I didn't know her name was Cat. Should probably make a note of that."

"She also has a boyfriend," Amity said a little too quick, "And she's straight as a board. So go ahead and...unnote that. Just take that note and...throw it in a river somewhere."

"...Ok? Weirdo."

"Anyways, Skara is the short and--" Amity steeled herself before saying, "Cute one."

Luz helping Skara

She eventually found herself in a hall that led to bedrooms, only to see Skara sprinting around and picking up discarded beer cans and red solo cups and tossing them into a trash bag. She then opened a random door, squeaked, and slammed it shut, leaning against it while pressing her palms into her eyes.

"Why do that in my parents' bedroom!?" she cried to no one in particular.

Usually, Luz wouldn't give a shit about any of Boscha's lackeys. And yet, something compelled her to walk over.

"Are they making out or doing something worse," she asked, which caused Skara to look up in surprise.

"...What...What are you doing here?"

"Don't question it," Luz nodded to the door, "In there. Are they just making out?"

"...Yes, but it's still--"

Luz pounded on the door, making Skara jump.

"Hey!" she shouted, "That's not your bed, assholes! If you want privacy, then go to the back of your car like decent human beings!"

"We're not humans!"

"Not the point!"

For a while, nothing happened. Then finally, two boys walked out of the room, hand in hand with their clothes ruffled, and started shuffling their way down the hall. Skara just stood where she was, not knowing what to say or do.

"Hey," Luz snapped her fingers to get Skara's attention, "If a person starts acting like a prick, be an even bigger prick. Someone's going to eventually back down, so don't let it be you. They'll get the point, then. Oh, and by the way..."

She pulled the photo out of her jacket's pocket and tossed it to Skara, who then fumbled with the thing before catching it.

"Someone tried to steal that," Luz told her, "I don't know where it belongs so, there you go."

Luz then began to head in the direction of the stairs.

"Thank you."

The broken tone of voice made Luz freeze for a second, turning over her shoulder to see Skara looking at the human, her eyes full of gratitude and amazement.

"...Don't mention it," was all Luz said before walking down the hall to find the stairs.

Literally, everything that Drunk Amity does. But here’s the top five:

#5-Snuggle time

"I hate my life," Luz muttered, shuffling over. She pulled the covers up and slowly got into the bed. But once she did, Amity didn't waste a second wrapping her entire body around Luz's. Like a koala bear, clinging to a tree.

"...Do you mind?" Luz's voice cracked.

"What? I'm sleeping on my side."

"Yeah, but I'd prefer it if you slept on a side that wouldn't result in me getting puked on."

"But how will we snuggle?"

"Oh my god," Luz sighed, "You're not gonna back down from this, are you?"

"Mm-mm."

"...tell you what. If you flip onto your other side, I'll--I can't believe I'm saying this--I'll...spoon...you."

Amity gasped, her eyes practically glittering with stars as she looked up at Luz.

"That's even better," she whispered, untangling herself from Luz's body so she can flip onto her other side, already getting into a position to receive comfort. Luz, slowly and reluctantly, turned over to wrap an arm around Amity, pressing their bodies together.

'This is probably punishment for...every shitty thing I've done in my life," she thought to herself.

#4-Drink it!

"Drink it!"

"No!"

"Drink it."

"No!"

"Drink it!"

"Noooo!" Amity flopped face down onto her pillow as if she was a five-year-old. The bunny-print pajamas that Luz changed her into didn't help, either (it was the minor victories). With one hand, Luz started messaging her temple out of annoyance, while the other hand gripped tight onto a glass of water.

"Amity, if you're gonna lay down like a baby, then lay on your side," she explained, "If you face down, or up, then you'll just drown in your own vomit. And is that how you wanna go out?"

Amity flipped onto her side with a harrumph.

"That's what I thought," Luz held the glass up to Amity again, "Now drink this water."

"I don't wanna," the witch wined, "It doesn't have flavor. It's boring. Give something less boring."

#3-Amity’s love for Emira

"Who are you talking to?"

"Your sister."

"Oh! Hey, Luz," Amity started tapping Luz on the shoulder, "Luz, Luz, Luz, Luz--"

"What?"

"Tell her--Listen--Tell...Emira that she is the worst...and that I don't like her. It's an--Look--It's an inside joke between us. She'll understand it when you tell her."

"...Will do."

"Oh! And Luz,"

"What?" This time, Luz was starting to get aggravated.

"Emira--Don't tell her this part--But Emira is, like, the most important person to me. And Ed too. Sometimes. Because they've both always been there for me when our parents are being bigger dicks than they are. I just don't--Hey--I don't tell them that because then they'll make fun of me for it. So don't-- Shh! Don't tell her."

"...You got all that, right?" Luz asked into the scroll.

"Sure did. What the hell did she drink?"

#2-Tossing cookies

Amity's face suddenly paled. Luz couldn't figure what was wrong at first, at least until she saw Amity lurch.

"Oh, shit," Luz then guided Amity over to the nearest potted plant, "Shit shit shit shit--"

Once at the plant, Amity bent over and...lost her lunch.

"...Are you o--"

And then her breakfast.

"...Are--"

And finally tossed one last cookie for good measure.

"...You good?"

"Yeah," Amity looked up at her victim, which was already starting to wilt, "...This my mom's favorite plant..."

She then slapped it.

"Fuck you, plant!"

And #1...

The good news is that Luz finally found her.

The bad news is that Amity was standing on top of a table as everyone stared at her.

"I am the lesbian queen of the universe!" she shouted, "Y'all can bow down and kiss my ass!"

"Get it, girl!"

"You bet I'll get it, whoever you are! Seriously, who said that?" she called back, turning in a circle to find the source of the voice. However, because of Amity's drunken state, she soon tripped on her own feet and fell off the table. Luckily, Luz was quick to realize that wearing heels and being drunk was a bad combination, so she had already run over to the table, ready to catch Amity.

The green-haired witch landed in Luz's arms, bridal princess style. Luz then set her down, but Amity still wrapped her arms around the human's neck.

"You're my hero," Amity said wistfully.

"Yeah, I'm a real knight in shining--" But Luz didn't get a chance to finish her snarky remark. Because Amity leaned in to plant a wet, sloppy kiss onto Luz's cheek. This caused the human to go still and red-faced, her brain ceasing to function as Amity pulled away with a Mwah!

And on the topic of kisses

Luz remained still for a minute or two, ultimately thinking 'screw it,' and kissed Amity's cheek. It was about a millisecond, maybe even half of that, but it did not stop Luz's face from heating up.

"There. Happy now?"

"Nope," Amity faced Luz with a drunken smile, "Because now it's my turn."

"Wait, no- Mmph!" But it was too late. Because the second after Amity spoke, she leaned in to kiss Luz's cheek, giving Luz no time to even turn her head. Which resulted in Amity giving Luz another wet and sloppy kiss, not on her cheek, but right on her lips.

And perhaps it was just as long as Luz's kiss. Probably even a second longer. But for her, it felt as though time had come to a standstill as Amity's lips were pressed against Luz's. But regardless, Luz didn't pull away. She didn't even shove Amity off, despite having every reason to. In fact, when Amity finally pulled away from the kiss, Luz had this strange desire buried deep within her brain, yet she was still aware of it.

Because despite how weird it would be and how Amity's breath will absolutely taste awful, Luz felt a strange desire to kiss her friend again.

Chapter 6

The morning after

Curious, Amity looked over her shoulder to see the culprit.

'Oh, it's just Luz," she thought, slowly turning back over.

...

Amity's eyes popped open.

She whipped her head back to look over her shoulder, which was a mistake because the sudden rush made her hangover say, 'screw you,' and leave Amity with a ton of pain. Once it slowly wore off (or, at least, became a bit more bearable), Amity got a good look at the person behind her. And what she saw both warmed her heart, as well as stopped it.

Luz. Sleeping in Amity's bed. Pressed up against the witch and peacefully smiling as she dreamed.

This left a myriad of thoughts in Amity's head.

'Luz is in my bed.'

'Luz is in my bed, and she's spooning me.'

'...I need to wake her.'

But just as she was about to wake her friend, Luz, in her sleep, then shuffled herself further against Amity. Her sleepy smile had grown wider.

'...And I am dead. I am dead, have ascended the stars, and this now my life for eternity.'

Huge misunderstanding

Luz remained still, glancing between Amity's eyes and her lips. Ultimately, she closed the distance between them and kissed her.

And kissed her again.

And again.

It felt so amazing, with each kiss sending a wave of euphoric energy through Luz's body. It was everything she didn't know she wanted.

"Luz?" Amity gasped.

"Hm?"

"Are you awake right now?"

"Mm-hm," Luz mumbled as she continued to kiss Amity's sweet, soft, hairy--

'Hairy?'

***

Luz peaked open her eyes, and instead of seeing Amity's face, all she saw was bright green. Remembering where she was, Luz's eyes became wide once she took in the fact of what she just did.

"mmBAAAAAAAH!" Luz shrieked, pushing herself to the other end of the bed. Unfortunately, she pushed a little too far and ended up falling off the bed entirely, face-planting onto the floor.

Luz’s hairball

It was Luz's turn to get up as she walked over to the pile of her clothes on the desk.

"Just let me change first and--" She coughed, "--And I--"

Suddenly Luz was coughing severely, her face going red from lack of air.

"Luz?"

"What's wrong?!"

While coughing, Luz pointed at her throat.

"She's choking!" Viney deduced, "Hang on, I got this!"

She ran over and went behind Luz. Placing the thumb side of her fist over the human's abdomen and placing a hand over said fist, Viney began performing the Heimlich maneuver. After a few thrusts, Luz finally coughed out what was obstructing her throat. Once she could breathe again, she got a look at what nearly killed her. Only to see a clump of wet, green hair on the floor.

"...Is that--"

"Anyways, I'm gonna go ahead and change!" Luz squeaked quickly, grabbing her clothes off the desk and dashing into the closet. Viney and Emira looked over at Amity, who, red as a tomato, pulled the covers over her head.

Amity explaining why she likes Luz...which goes on for a good chunk of the chapter and it would be ludicrous for me to paste it onto here. But trust me. It’s a great moment

Chapter 7

Pastor Benson’s sermon and Luz’s prayor

"I think I can speak for all of us when I say that the world is constantly changing," Pastor Benson began his sermon. "For every day, new lifestyles and ways of loving others are introduced and integrated into our society. Just the other day, I was given a chance to experience this first hand."

That caught Luz's interest for a moment.

"You see, my nephew gathered the whole family, everybody that he trusted, and did something none of us could have ever expected. He told us all that he was a homosexual."

Immediately everybody started murmuring with each other. And Luz had to admit, she was more than curious to see where Benson was going with this.

"I know, I know," he silenced the crowd, "I was surprised too. And as he continued, both he and his boyfriend, which was another shock to find out, started telling us all about what it means to be what they are. They explained what they considered the basics, answered questions, and soon enough, Micheal's parents stood up to give him a hug, and everyone else took turns letting him know that he is loved."

Now Luz was really interested.

"Later, I took Micheal aside so I can have a heart to heart with him," Pastor Benson pressed on, "I said to him that he is my nephew and that I will always love him. And no matter what, God will love him too, like all of his children."

For the first time in her life, Luz hung onto every word that a pastor said.

"But sin is still a sin, and I said that it's not too late to save his soul."

'There it is,' Luz thought, slumping into her seat and hoping that her mom didn't notice her reaction. Pastor Benson continued his sermon, but Luz mentally checked out, not caring about what he has to say next. It didn't matter if Benson told the secrets to the universe or the meaning of life. Because of what he said, Luz tuned him out for the next few minutes, stirring in a pissed-off mood she genuinely tried to keep out of church.

"--Now, I would ask you all to join me in prayer before we bring this congregation to a close," Luz heard Pastor Benson say fifteen minutes later. Everyone then simultaneously lowered their heads to pray, with Luz right along with them.

'Dear God,' she prayed, 'If you could be so kind, could you send down an angel or your son or something to tell all these homophobes that being gay isn't a sin. And the only reason why people think that's true is that some dickhead mistranslated a line somewhere. A translation, by the way, that was meant to tell people that pedophilia is awful. Something that some of your own pastors should learn from time to time.

'Because if you could send someone down to get the record straight, I, and many others, would really appreciate it...also sorry for swearing while during prayer. That wasn't cool of me. Bless my mom, and praise be to you.'

Camila and Claire

"If you ask me, that was crossing way over the line."

Camila looked over to her friend Claire, who stood with her as they waited in line at a makeshift buffet table to grab breakfast.

"Are you talking about Pastor Benson or his nephew?" Camila couldn't help but ask.

"Oh, absolutely, it's Benson," Claire whispered so as not to draw attention amongst the chatter, "I mean, here you have a kid who was in a safe space and just wanted to be accepted, only to have your uncle basically say you're going to hell. The man might as well have punched poor Micheal in the gut."

"Aye, I am so happy that you said that," Camila grabbed two plates for herself and Luz, who sat at a table for them. "I understand that he's a person of the lord, but that's taking belief a little too far. I believe in God, and I love him with my whole heart, but I would never say anything like that to Luz. If she was gay, that is."

"I'm right there with you," Claire nodded as she piled food onto her own two plates, "I have five kids. Two of them moved out with relationships of their own. But if my other three ever come to me and say that they're gay, then the last thing I'd do is make them feel ashamed of it."

"Right? I always make it clear to Luz that she can tell me anything. Especially if it's something like that."

Mrs. Kranstien calling Camila a gringa

"As I said, keep an eye on her. For both of your sakes," the gossiper said as she turned to walk in her own direction, "Adios, gringa."

Camila did a double-take.

'Did she just...No,' she shook her head, 'No. She couldn't have.'

Amity’s reaction

"...So we're just going to be spending some time waiting...alone...in a big house with nobody else around?"

"...Basically, yeah," Luz shrugged, "See you then. Oh! By the way, and I know it goes without saying, but try to do something that hides those ears. Because the last thing I need to do is explain why my new friend looks like an elf from  Lord of the Rings."

With that, Luz hung up, leaving Amity to sit still as a statue at her desk. Eventually, she slowly dragged her diary over, picked up a pencil, and began to calmly write.

So Luz, literally right now, just asked me to come over to hang out at her house, completely unsupervised, as we wait to have dinner with her mom. Current mood: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Chapter 8

Boscha’s rage

"You little jackass!"

Luz turned away from her locker to see Boscha stomping over. It was the end of the school day, and Luz was already beyond stressed about having Amity over to her house. The last thing that anyone needs, least of all her, is to deal with Boscha's bullshit.

"Little?" Luz said with an annoyed tilt to her head. "Bitch, I am absolutely taller than you!"

"Not the point!" Boscha yelled once she finally got up to Luz, "Because here's the thing: You draw on my face, I'll be annoyed. You rip my scroll in half, I'll be pissed off. But make people think I have a crush on FUCKING, Matt!? That is something I should kill you for!"

"...I didn't draw on your face."

"YOU--" But Boscha stopped herself to take a deep, calming breath before looking back at Luz with murder in her eyes, "That slimy, greasy, weasely little weasel has been hitting on me ALL DAY! And it's all because of you posting on social media that I like him. I mean, what the FUCK did I do to deserve that?!"

"...Do you really want me to answer that?"

Misunderstanding

"Hey."

Hesitantly, Amity glanced over at Luz again. Who had put her full attention into the girl in front of her.

"Do you wanna make out?"

"WHAT?!"

Luz jumped at Amity's screech.

"...I said, ‘do you want take out?’" she repeated, lifting up her phone, "My mom just said she's going to be a while and isn't in a cooking mood. So she wants to know if you're cool if she picks up some chimichurri sandwiches on the way home."

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, that's fine," Amity could feel her face grow hotter by the second.

"Ok?" Luz texted a reply to her mom, "...What did you think I said, anyway?"

"..."

"It must have been something bad to make you react as if I called you the c-word."

"...So this movie is interesting!" Suddenly, all Amity's attention went to the tee-vee, "My favorite character would have to be that, uh, that girl with the...dyed hair and...giant hammer--What did you say this movie is called again?"

Luz opened her mouth to say something, but a small ping! from her phone distracted her for a bit.

"My mom wants to know if you have any allergies," she said.

"I do not."

"Got it," Luz sent her reply, "Now, as for what you thought I said--"

"Table it for later."

'So I can have time to think of a proper excuse.'

"...Alright."

Luz went back to watching the movie for another minute, looked at her wrist for some reason, and then stared right back at Amity.

"It's now later."

"Luz--"

"Look, if it's something embarrassing, don't worry about it," Luz waved off her friend's concern, "Your brain just misinterpreted what I said. It's no big deal. I'm just wondering what you thought I asked that got you all hot and bothered."

'She called me hot--FOCUS!'

"You really won't judge?" Amity asked for clarification.

"Can't be any more embarrassing than what I did on Saturday."

'I guess that's true.'

"Well," Amity nervously fiddled with the hem of her dress, "I thought that...that you asked if...I wanted to...make...out..."

She glanced over, and, sure enough, a blush was beginning to form on Luz's cheeks.

"...Oh," the human said.

"But it's like you said!" Amity quickly exclaimed, "My brain just misinterpreted the words! It's not like you would ever ask me to do that, right?"

"...Of course not."

"...You hesitated?"

"Hm?"

"I said that you would never ask me to do that, and you hesitated when saying no. Why did you hesitate?"

"I didn't hesitate."

"Yes, you did."

"Pretty sure I didn't."

"Well, I'm definitely sure that you did."

"Well, if I did, then that's because, um..."

"...Because, um, what?"

"..."

"..."

"...So this movie, huh?" Luz looked back at the screen, "It's, uh, Scott Pilgrim, by the way. Just to answer your question...from earlier...about what movie this is..."

And thus came the thickest, most awkward silence between them. Understandably enough, Luz now had no problems with sitting as far away from Amity as possible.

"...How long until your mom gets home, again?"

"Should be another two hours."

"Damn it."

"Yeah."

Baby pictures

"Actually, I do have a photo of that day in an album somewhere," Camila added, "I could go find it and prove to you how innocent Luz was."

Now Luz's face went pale as Amity's brightened with glee.

"No, she doesn't!"

"Yes, I do!"

The poor human glared at the rich girl.

"No. You don't."

"Yes. I do."

"Right then," Camila finished her sandwich and got out of her seat, "You two sit tight. I'm going to go find that album."

Once her mother was out of the room, Luz scooched over to Amity with murder in her eyes.

"I would like to point out that you still owe me, like, five more favors from what happened last Friday," she whispered-growled, "So I would like to cash in one of them for you to not look at my baby pictures."

"And I would like to point out that you saw me at my lowest last Friday," Amity said with a smarmy smile, "Which means I'm at least owed some middle ground."

"...I hate you."

"Sure you do."

Gravity Falls reference

'There's that weird feeling again,' she thought as a tingling sensation formed throughout her gut. It wasn't the first time that day when Luz felt this.

She felt it when seeing Amity's human ears, when Amity admitted that she always wanted to be friendly, and especially when Amity thought Luz wanted to make out.

'...Wait...do I--'

Luz shook her head.

"No, no, no no no," she said to herself, "There's no way. There's just no way! I'm sure this is just some...indirect way of Boscha's words getting to your brain."

Luz turned around to go back inside.

"By tomorrow, you'll laugh about how ridiculous a thought like that is."

At Midnight.

Ever since turning in at nine, Luz could not for the life of her go to sleep.

Why?

Because her head was filled with nothing but thoughts of golden eyes, wild green hair, and a smirk that became all the more attractive, the more she thought about it.

"...Goddammit."

Chapter 9

Skara’s advice

"In that case, as her best friend, I have to tell that she will destroy you."

"Whatever."

"And as her best friend, I probably shouldn't tell you to go for any of her weak spots."

"..." Luz shared a curious look with Gus and Willow, who shrugged. "What weak spots?"

"Well, as her best friend, I shouldn't tell you that Boscha suffered a lot of injuries from playing grudgby," Skara explained, "Like the fact that her right arm hasn't healed right and she prefers punching with her left. Or the fact that she's still recovering from breaking her left leg and that if you kick the back of it hard enough, she'll crumble."

"...It's too bad that you didn't say any of that," Luz played along, "Because that would all be incredibly useful. And I would have to ask why you would tell me that in the first place."

"Hypothetically speaking, if I did tell you all of that--which I didn't--it would probably be because I'm still a little mad that she destroyed my house for the sake of getting Amity back. And that I'm just as sick as you are that Boscha wastes so much time trying to win back a girl that is clearly not interested."

"In that case, I really hate that you didn't tell me any of that stuff. Because then I would have thanked you for the advice."

"And I would have said, 'You're welcome,'" Skara looked left, right, and hugged Luz for a fraction of a second to then scamper off to who knows where.

The first hit

"Uh-huh...I don't know what that means, so here's a question: What happens when I break that oath?"

"Oh, trust me, you won't break it. Now, are you ready to eat dirt, human?"

"Born ready," Luz said, regaining her confidence, "In fact, you can have the first punch."

Boscha raised an eyebrow.

"Really? You sure you want that?"

"Of course. That is unless you're too scared of breaking a nail--"

SMACK!

The entire stadium went 'Ooooh,' due to Boscha sucker-punching Luz so hard that the human immediately went down and into the dirt. Needless to say, Luz was very much awake now.

"JESUS CHRIST!" She shouted as she slowly stood up, nursing the now bruising cheek that Boscha hit. "What the shit do they feed you rich girls?! Also, what happened to no hitting the face?! That was my face! You said no hitting the face!"

"Oh, no, I meant my face," Boscha reiterated, "My face is off-limits. Yours is free real estate."

Adrenaline rush

While Boscha was distracted by that, Luz looked over at her own friends.

Willow scowled with her fists clenched, looking like she was about ready to jump in to kick Boscha's ass for Luz.

Gus was cheering for Luz to get up. At least, she thinks that's what he was doing. A sudden ringing in Luz's ear currently made it hard to decipher what anybody was saying if they weren't close enough.

And then there was Amity, who held Luz's jacket tight to her heart, eyes wide and complexion pale.

That's when it hit Luz: If she loses, she'll be forced by some magic bullshit to never see Amity again. All these weeks of getting close and building...whatever the hell their relationship is building towards would have been for nothing. Worse yet, Amity will be left with Boscha, who would treat the green-haired witch with as much dignity and respect as Boscha treats her friends.

It was the mix of fear and anger from that thought that gave Luz just enough adrenaline she needed to turn towards Boscha and kicked her hard in the left leg.

Goodnight

"Cool. Hey, mom?"

"Yes, mija?"

"If a person asks you to have lunch with them, just the two of you, what would you think that means?"

"I assume that means a person wants to date you."

"Cool. Anyways, I'm gonna go to bed now. Goodnight."

"You’re what?"

THWUMP!

Startled by the noise, Camila turned around to see that Luz had fallen face-first onto the living room floor.

"...Luz?"

"Hm?" Luz mumbled.

"Are you ok?"

"Mm-hm."

Chapter 10

Earmuffs

"Hi, Luz! Question: Me being a male cheerleader. Yay or nay?"

"I think it's absolutely a 'yay,' but we can talk about that later," Luz said as she sat down, "For right now: Earmuffs."

"Aw, what?" Gus whined, "C'mon!"

"No complaining. Earmuffs."

"But I'm younger than you two by two years. I can totally handle grown-up talk."

"Earmuffs!"

Gus groaned, reluctantly covering his ears, closing his eyes, and humming to himself to further block out any noise.

Assumptions

"I don't give a shit that you're dating her." Willow said plainly.

"You see--Wha-wha-wha-wha-What? What? I'm sorry, what? Just...Fucking what?!" Luz exclaimed, completely caught off guard.

"Hey, don't get me wrong," Willow continued, "I would much rather see you date almost anybody else in this school. But if--for whatever reason--Amity is the person you really want to be with, I won't say anything about it. The heart wants what the heart wants. Who am I to judge?"

"...We're not dating."

Willow blinked.

"You're not?"

"No."

"...You're not?!"

Spray Bottle

Then suddenly, bits of water started spritzing onto her face. Looking over, Amity saw that it was because Viney was using a spray bottle on her.

"Bad," she said between spritzes, "Bad Blight."

"What the hell?!" Amity hissed, "Why do you even have that?!"

"I take Beast Keeping," Viney explained as she pocketed her spray bottle, "It comes in handy, so I just keep it on me at all times. Now, back to your dumbassery..."

"Hey, try to look at this from my point of view, alright?" the younger witch growled, "You never had to deal with Luz and her dumb smirk or her...cute round ears and those...those gorgeous brown eyes that are so warm and soft and make you feel all ooey-gooey like a warm chocolate cookie and--"

Viney started spritzing Amity again.

"GAH! Sorry," Amity said, snapping out of it.

And that’s about it. Thank you all so much for reading this story for this long, and a very special thank you to @drabbles-of-writing for letting me write this story in the first place. Now if you don’t excuse me, I’ve got school shit to work on.

#the owl house #beta lumity #it all started with a jacket #cw: swearing

[gayregis]

Honestly if you just wanted to revisit your thoughts on Eternal Flame and its homiesexual text/subtext, I would be delighted. I love that short story and I love hearing your thoughts on the stories aodnsjsjabsjx

fghjkl i just think it was a story very centered on geralt and dandelion’s friendship and it did so in a manner which exceeded the sort of generally accepted norms of “friendship” and went into “being gay for your best friend”

i mean the story literally begins by them both being dumped by their girlfriends, but not too upset about their relationship drama because they have each other for company now. they plan to spend the day and night together, and throughout the story they have the general geralt and dandelion friendship interactions - trying to get some food and drink, joking around, dandelion being overly dramatic or preoccupied with sex and geralt being mopey and unamused. when things go wrong and there is conflict in the story, they of course still are spending the day together and thinking of a way to deal with the problem. overall, the story is a look into day-to-day life of when geralt and dandelion run into each other and hang out.

another thing of note is how dandelion hypes geralt up during when they meet tellico-in-biberveldt’s-form, calling him the terror of strigas and werewolves and all, which is a nice and awarding description for a man whose job it was to kill some shit in a sewer last chapter. of course, it’s dandelion (overdramatic and flowery with language), and they’re close friends, so of course he is going to describe geralt as thus, but it’s a reminder of how positively dandelion views geralt and how he both doesn’t see him as repugnant for being a witcher (as is the case with many geralt encounters) and isn’t ashamed to have a witcher as his best friend (as would be the case with many others, who treat witchers like bad omens), and also since it’s dandelion, it’s telling that he doesn’t let his own arrogance get in the way of lauding his friend with his proud titles and descriptions. although dandelion is self-loving, he is not so overwhelmingly so that he would ever refuse to acknowledge or downplay geralt’s presence.

another thing is how, when geralt, dandelion, and biberveldt are visited by chapelle and the men of the eternal fire, dandelion begs geralt to not start a fight with them because it will end in disaster, and geralt refuses to promise him that, and when chapelle speaks to him, he is internally very aggressive and alert, very displeased. of course, he is geralt, he doesn’t love authority and he dislikes the eternal flame for their persecution of nonhumans... but the aggression he feels towards chapelle reminds me of the aggression he felt towards toruviel in edge of the world when she broke dandelion’s lute, or in season of storms when dandelion has a knife to his throat, it’s only when dandelion is afraid or hurt that geralt really gets aggressive.

but the climax of the story is geralt literally being inable to enact violence towards tellico for the compounded reasons of “i value innocent life too much” and “the embodiment of this value of life is my best friend” ... 

the fact that geralt is pretty aggressive still towards tellico when he turns into him, but once tellico turns into dandelion geralt just... stops fighting and completely rules out any physical harm from the equation. he practically “gives up” the fight, it’s like tellico changing into dandelion was all geralt needed in order to be persuaded, because it’s the only form that he would listen to. after tellico switches forms to that of dandelion, geralt listens to him, and he also is not described as making any sudden movements, he doesn’t think as if he’s in a fight anymore, the narration is not that of a “fight scene” - something i recognize from when geralt is in a fight is that the prose switches to a certain point of view of his where his actions and options are narrated (e.g., in a grain of truth when he fights vereena, the sword of destiny where he fights the dryad scalpers). he instead hears tellico’s every word out, and “reluctantly nods,” and “says nothing.” he’s practically frozen compared to what he was prepared for just a moment ago when tellico took his form, when he threatened to carry him out of the city in a handcart.

and what makes it even more suggestive is that this wasn’t a random guess from tellico that “maybe if i take dandelion’s form he’ll lay off because they’re friends!” ... no, this was strategy that he came up with from literally taking geralt’s form and reading his mind - “i took over your thoughts, only briefly, but it was sufficient, do you know what i’m going to do now?” - tellico, after being in geralt’s form, immediately makes the decision to change forms into that of dandelion, because he knew geralt’s mind while he was in his form. that means that tellico read geralt’s thoughts only briefly but from this inside view of geralt’s mind, knowing what his greatest fears, loves, dreams, hopes, passions, regrets, etc. are... he thought it would save his life to change into dandelion, because he knew from geralt’s mind that geralt would listen to him in that form.

additionally, after this occurs, geralt... doesn’t tell dandelion in the falling action of the story. he had the chance to, when dandelion drew near, he might have smirked and said something like “don’t look too closely at his boots” (tellico-in-dandelion’s-form’s cordovan boots were sticking out of the carpet that geralt rolled him up in, so dandelion could have recognized them if he paid attention, since he seems to be so caring about his footwear as in the beginning chapter)... this raises the question why geralt wouldn’t tell him about what happened, why he wouldn’t communicate to dandelion about this, maybe warning him that tellico could change into him in an effort to evoke sympathy, or to break it to dandelion that his famous persona had been stolen for a little while. dandelion literally jokes and asks geralt why vespula was so surprised to see him, asking what was wrong with her (vespula was frightened because she smacked tellico-in-dandelion’s-form with the copper pan, but then saw dandelion coming down the road... double vision). geralt could have easily explained to him then, he had the perfect opportunity to say, “oh, dudu changed into your form and so vespula was scared for she saw two of you, [insert biting sarcastic comment here about how one dandelion is certainly enough, and how he would be scared seeing two of dandelion as well].” ... but geralt doesn’t tell him, and that makes me think that tellico taking dandelion’s form was a moment of emotional vulnerability for him, something that geralt doesn’t want to share or joke about, something that was uncomfortable for him. that makes me ask the question how geralt emotionally took that confrontation in the alleyway, what he felt about his own actions (or rather, inaction), and why he might be reluctant to share about that.

i think there is also this tension of the myth of the doppler being about the physical world, changes to a physical form, a form which is tangible and real. it’s not only that tellico evoked the image of dandelion, but that he was him - and the narration from geralt’s point of view seems to... lurk on a lot of not only physical characteristics that he noticed, but mannerisms and behavior that he knew instinctively as being those of dandelion. he describes his curly hair, his smile, his laugh ... the focus on physicality, body, face, and how one exists in the physical world, intimate details like those described just seem very out of place for someone who you’d only consider a best friend, a platonic relationship. one could argue that this is just standard narration for describing the changing of a form for a doppler, but the same style of narration was not given when dudu changed into biberveldt, or when he changed into geralt. additionally, things like smile, laugh, song, and style of flirting are very close and positive details, and other more “neutral” aspects like height and weight and clothes could have been described instead. this suggests that the most striking elements about dandelion to geralt are his curly hair, his insolent smile, his rippling laugh, his blue eyes, his song, and his flirting ... which are ... intimate to say the least

and of course the story ends with them going to a brothel! which continues these themes (two themes which dandelion always invites) of the comedic and the physical. what’s also striking to me is that at the very end of the story, dandelion asks geralt if he’s coming along or what, and geralt smiles to him and says he will join him with pleasure. geralt smiling is honestly a rare event (though it does happen, in dandelion’s character debut in the voice of reason he smiles at him), so i think it’s something to pay attention to. additionally, the line translated in the UK edition is “right, very satisfactory. geralt, are you coming?” and “i’ll come with pleasure,” which focuses on the words ‘satisfactory’ and ‘pleasure’ which are also words i wouldn’t relegate to being solely platonic.

additionally, this might be a bad take but i’m going to say it anyways because i’m gay so i can say what i want regarding lgbt themes ig: the ending of the story is that chapelle is actually a doppler who has taken chapelle’s form, since the real chapelle has died. tellico beseeches geralt, in dandelion’s form, to let him live and live amongst the people of novigrad, because he’s tired of being dehumanized and persecuted, and just wants to live in peace. there is a theme surrounding the dopplers as they are shapeshifters and chameleons, having to change who they are in order to blend in with the rest of society. again, this might be a bad take, but this kind of strikes me as an analogy for being lgbt, because when you are lgbt in a homo/transphobic society, you have to hide who you are and adapt your outward appearance into something that others will accept, and you are persecuted even though you are harmless and don’t mean to cause anyone trouble. of course, this could be a wider analogy about persecution and being marginalized in general (cultural assimilation, anyone?) and compring any marginalized people to nonhumans sucks (wouldn’t be the first or only time sapkowski went there, though), but ig as a gay person i found myself relating to the plight of the dopplers. the ending message of the story is also positive, something like there is hope and life in the world despite hatred (re: tellico’s ending to dandelion’s ballad) and the dopplers, the persecuted ones, are actually everywhere in society despite appearances that they’re not (not the best execution because you know figures of authority suck but whatever)

TLDR eternal flame is a little fruity to me because

geralt and dandelion want to be in each other’s company (as always)

geralt and dandelion’s relationship is again characterized by ability to be casual and comfortable in each other’s presence, working together through difficulty and conflict, and standing up for one another/being proud on the other’s behalf

tellico strategically takes dandelion’s form to evoke kindness and respect in geralt, and it works completely

geralt’s pov focuses on dandelion’s intimate physical and behavioral traits

geralt smiles and tells dandelion “i’ll come with pleasure”

vague lgbt themes about the dopplers

#ask #eternal flame #gerlion #geralt #dandelion #dudu #anon

[smutty-ki113r]

(((*vents back into chat* OK SO YOU WANTED THIS SOOOO- FEEL FREE TO READ AS PLEASE- IM MAKING A PART TWO BUT IDK WHEN IT WILL COME OUT SEEING AS IM LAZY BUT HERE YA GO B) ))

--------------------------------------------------------------------------- -𝙰 𝚁σɱαɳƈҽ Ⴆҽƚɯҽҽɳ ƚɯσ 𝙶σσϝႦαʅʅʂ-

𝙰 [SUSSY ANON] ϝαɳ-ϝιƈƚισɳ

𝙻αυɠԋιɳɠ 𝙹αƈƙ 𝚇 𝙲αɳԃყ 𝙿σρ

``𝚃ԋҽ 𝙲𝚒ɾƈ𝚞ʂҽʂ 𝚁σɱαɳƚιƈ 𝙳συ``

--//Explicit words//Hints to sexual desires//Mentions of death//Slight blood//--

️🌈 ~Gay ship paring Creepypasta~ ️🌈

It was a crisp summer’s night, as our colorful jester Candy Pop wandered throughout his Circus. He sighed as he sat down at the ‘Pick-A-Duck’ station. He pulled out a rubber duck and mushed it in his hand, chuckling as it ‘peeped’ out to him. He set it down on the counter and rested his head looking at the duck. He snickered at how small it was, patting it on the head, smiling at the tiny peeps it produced. He pocketed the duck for good measures, in case he ever needed a quick chuckle. He got up and wandered around more, humming to the tune of ‘Zydrate Anatomy’. He had heard that song a few times now, and it was starting to get stuck in his head. He wasn’t a huge fan of music, but he occasionally listened to it.

As the sun set further down, so did the jester. He went down the lanes between mini-games and in and out of mazes that he knew like the back of his hand. He laughed to himself as memories of chasing kids in these mazes danced in his mind. He loved that about his circus, that any newcomer could get lost so easily, and Candy Pop would know where they were. Most kids got stuck in mazes or rides. So that is where Candy Pop lurked the most, in case a kid did come down, he would be there waiting for them.

Candy Pop's shadow dragged behind him, he was getting rather bored of being by himself, he considered the options of going out, but it was far too late for that. Most places were either closed or going to be closed soon. But Candy Pop didn’t mind that, he entertained himself most of the time as it was. But recently he was craving something, more than just himself. He wanted another to entertain him, to be his partner in crime, to love him. But no one loved Candy Pop, he was too bold and chaotic, and most of all, a killer. Who would love someone that at any given moment, would end it all?

Candy Pop sighed at this, sitting down at a ‘Balloon Pop’ station. He looked up to the balloons on the wall, all of them were purple with a jester-like smile drawn on them. This was one of his favorite mini-games. This was because whenever someone popped the balloon, it would send a loud bang in their ears, causing the person’s ear dumbs to burst. He laughed at how many people went deaf to this. He was about to pop one himself just to hear the loud bang himself, but something caught him off guard. A silent grunt.

Candy Pop turned his head around to see a pin aimed right for his face? No, it was headed for the balloon, but Candy Pops’ poor reaction time led the pin to hit his face, right in his ear, a fearful gasp could be heard, the pin wasn’t meant for Candy Pop, it was meant to hit the balloon to startle him. Candy Pops’ eyes narrowed at who caused this. He couldn’t help but wince at the pain in his ear, pulling the pinout and planning on returning it to the sender. Just as he was about to throw it, a familiar voice caught him off guard.

“Pops! It's me, Jack!” The nervous clown exclaimed. Not wanting to hurt his friend, he rushed over to make sure he wasn’t hurt too badly. He scanned his ear to see where he hit. When he spotted it, he sighed as it wasn’t too severe. “Jeez, I really gotta get my ‘aim’ game eh?” Jack jokingly teased. Both chuckled at Laughing Jacks’ shitty joke. Candy Pop shook his head at his knucklehead friend, both could be complete idiots at times, and this was one of those times. “Ya know you really gotta be more careful with that shit, you aimed way too close to my head ya know!” Candy Pop sighed.

Both stood in awkward silence. Then, in unison, both spoke. “So what are ya doing-?”. Both looked at each other in shock, before laughing at how bizarre that was. Then, Candy Pop sighed, and went first. “I was just wandering around until you showed up, heh- what brings you here anyway?”. Jack looked back to his colorful friend before rubbing the back of his head.

“Well, I just wanted to see how my buddy was doing, ya know? That and I thought ya might wanna hang out?”. Jack asked. Candy Pops head sprung up to this question. Of course, he wanted to hang out with his greatest friend! Finally, something decent he could do. Smiling at Jack, he nodded fastly. “Yes! Yes! Of course, I’d love to hang out!”. Candy Pop sounded like an excited child going to DisneyLand. He practically sprung up from his chair jumping up and down a bit, before tuning it down and just swaying side to side. Jack chuckled at this before announcing where he would be taking him. “Well Candy Pop, I was thinking if we could just hang out at your Circus? Or mine if you’re up for it!”. Laughing Jack held the same excitement in his voice as Candy Pop did.

Candy Pop stood thinking of where he might want to go, but he was already at his circus and didn’t want to stress Laughing Jack too much, so he just decided it would be best to stay at his circus. “We could stay here and mess around!”. Candy Pop gleefully exclaimed. Laughing Jack smiled at this, wasting no time and grabbing Candy Pops’ hand. Jack had been to Candy Pops circus a few times before, but he knew that if he led the way, he would get them lost, or at least himself lost. So he let Candy Pop lead the way, he trusted him like that.

Laughing Jack always liked that about Candy Pop. Candy Pop was his only loyal friend, besides a few others, but even they had slip-ups. Candy Pop on the other hand only made shit jokes from time to time, but nothing too horrible or worth crying over. Candy Pop looked over Jack’s shoulder laughing at him. Jack couldn’t help but laugh back, he loved hanging out with Candy Pop, he was just so wild and fun! It was always a roller coaster of emotions with him. You never knew what you might get. However, Jack loved the days where Candy Pop was so burnt out, that he just talks about the most random things. That’s how they came up with ice cream-shaped pizza. Cookie dough for the bread, ice cream as the sauce, and chocolate chips as the pepperoni.

Candy Pop leads Laughing Jack to a glass maze, Jacks’ favorite maze there. He gasped and joy as his eyes gazed upon the maze. “You didn’t! Pops you know I love this maze!”. Jack chuckled aloud. He jokingly pushed Pops lightly teasing him a bit, both laughed at how cheesy the other was acting. Candy Pop hopped up at the start of the maze, holding a hand out for Jack. Instead of grabbing Candy Pops’ hand, Jack coiled his legs, like a spring, and bounced up, like a loose spring. His legs spiraled back to normal, he laughed at how cartoony that was. Candy Pop clapped his hands in amusement, despite seeing him do it before.

Both then wandered into the maze, Jack getting lost in his own glee, as Candy Pop ran around making sharp turns to not hit or break the glass mirrors. Laughing Jack soon found himself cornered in the maze, slightly lost and scared. Candy Pop took this as a chance to mess with Jack a bit. He stood in a mirror that reflected throughout the entire maze. He called out to Jack. “Oh, Jack~.” Candy Pop snickered at how cheesy this reference was. Jack snorted a bit himself too, he knew Candy Pop was trying to recreate the scene from Pennywise. Both hated that clown, so it was always funny when they mocked him. “You wanna BallOOn?”. Candy Pop said, trying to impersonate Pennywise. Both then burst laughing, Candy Pop falling over revealing where he was.

Jack couldn’t help but wheeze at how his face must have looked when he got lost, he probably looked like a lost child, he snarled at himself for that, but he was so busy laughing that it all seemed so funny. Candy Pop got up brushing himself off, still wheezing from what just happened. Candy Pop looked at Jack, who was still laughing and a bit red from embarrassment that he got scared. Jack looked up to Candy Pop as well, both meeting eye contact. They both grew silent just staring at each other, before starting up again and just losing it to laughter.

Candy Pop broke the spell of infinite laughter by finally speaking up. “Hey, bud- eheh- wanna head somewhere else? Don’t wanna stay here too long, when it gets dark here, IT GETS DARK! I don’t think I have any lights in the mirror maze- because it gets hot in here when there is light- heh.” Candy Pop chuckled. Jack considered this for a moment. “How about the ferris wheel!”. Jack practically shouted. That had to be his favorite ride, from how slow it was, to the heights, and how you could see the entire circus from up there. He loved the whole idea of it. Candy Pop smiled at this as well, he loved the ferris wheel, not as much as Jack, but he considered it second place next to roller coasters as his top pick. “I’d be down for that!”. Candy Pop excitedly said, already running in the direction of the ferris wheel. He had just installed new lighting or the ferris wheel, about a week ago. It lit aesthetic purple and blue, to fit the theme of his circus. He started to go there more often in fact, and having this in mind, he knew Jack would love the update about it.

“Come on then! It has some new cool features”. Candy Pop could jump out of his skin from how excited he was. He grabbed Laughing Jack's hand and dragged him along, leading them out of the maze. It even took Candy Pop a while, because Jack was lagging behind a bit, and kept slamming into the glass walls, so Candy Pop learned to slow down and take a steady pace. Even this was slow, but at least Jack didn’t get himself hurt. Snickering at Jack, Candy Pop teased him by bumping into a wall as well. This pulled off because Jack let out a faint snicker. A few minutes later they made their way out and started their long walk to the ferris wheel.

Eyes wandered around the carnival, looking at all the games and prizes to win. Dried blood spattered onto the walls from previous victims that fell to Candy Pop. History laid on these walls. Jack was there for some of the killings. Most of the time he just ate the victim whole. Other times they fucked the victim up so bad you couldn’t tell out a single feature. Jack smiled at the work they did. Jack felt his face grow warm as his gaze returned to Candy Pop, but he shook it off as just sweating from all that running. Candy Pop looked up to Jack and smiled, Jack's eyes met Candy Pop, and Jack smiled too. Both giggled lightly before looking ahead of them. Jack couldn’t help but love the fact that he was holding Candy Pop's hand. It was just so cute of him, Jack holding Pop's hand. The way his gloves were so silky smooth, and his nails lightly dug into Jack's huge claws. Jack never wanted it to stop, if he could he had the choice to, he would always hold Candy Pops’ hand. But he knew when they got to the ferris wheel he would have to let go. He sighed at that, hating the idea of having to let go. Oh well, might as well enjoy the moment.

The ferris wheel was getting closer now, just a few more rows of mini-games, and they would be at the entrance of the large ferris wheel. Jack could see the purple and blue lights, his jaw dropped rolling on the floor like a cartoon character would in animations. His tongue landed flat on the ground with a loud plop as his eyes bulged out. Candy Pop snickered, raising an eye at his now cartoonified friend. “You like it?” Candy Pop snickered aloud. “Do I like it..? No..” Jack teased. Candy Pop almost frowned, but his frown was cut off by Jack. “I FUCKING LOVE IT!” Candy Pop jumped at how loud his friend got, but smiled in joy. Candy Pop jumped up and down at this new information. “I’m glad you like it! I thought you might!” Candy Pops face beamed with overjoy, Jack saw this in Candy Pop, and lightly pinched Candy Pops nose. Both snickered as they resumed walking.

The closer they got to the ferris wheel, the more excited both got. Candy Pop snickered before looking at Jack. “Last one to the ferris wheel is a rotten egg!” Candy Pop then bolted for the ferris wheel, cackling to himself. “HEY!” Jack winced at Candy Pop. Candy Pop was already halfway there, but Jack remembered he could just teleport, so he did. He snickered to himself at how easy that was, now all he had to do was wait for his jester friend.

Jack looked at his claws admiring them and how deep they could puncture someone. He laughed at how many people he has killed with one swoop of a punch. He could hear Candy Pop getting closer, why didn’t he just teleport too? Maybe he forgot. Either way, Jack laughed a bit.

Candy Pop was now in full view, he was panting a bit at how fast he had to run to get there so quickly. Jack clapped slowly, cocking an eye. Candy Pop’s body dragged down as the weight of his body caught up to him. “Well, well, well, lookie here, I won~!” Jack teased Candy Pop by hissing those words at him. Candy Pop puffed and fell to his knees. “No! Lost! To a master- and cheater.. Of teleportation! How could this ever have happened! Oh, foolish me!” Candy Pop dramatically pretended to faint, holding in a snicker. Jack snorted at this, which triggered Candy Pop to burst laughing. Jack couldn’t help but fall to his side plopping on the ground next to Candy. Both lied their laughing until ether couldn’t breathe.

Candy Pop then dragged himself back up and dusted off. Jack did the same, chuckling at how dramatic his friend had gotten, even if it was an act. Jack then turned to the ferris wheel, to get a better view of it. Jack gasped silently at the sight. Wonderfully crafted, aesthetically fitting, and damn well-done lights, stood before the monochrome clown. He couldn’t help but mutter a silent wow at how unreal this all looked. Jack jumped a bit when he felt Candy Pop’s hand rub the back of Jack. “Pretty isnt it?” Pops silently said as to not ruin the moment. “It’s awesome Pops- like holy shit-.” Jack almost blurted out how much he loved it, but he managed to keep it in. Pops snickered at Jack before nodding to him. “Well, come on, hop it!” Candy Pop excitedly exclaimed. Candy then opened the door for Jack. He climbed in, and Candy Pop followed, sitting on the other side. He then pushed a button and the ferris wheel started to make its way to the top.

The ferris wheel seat rocked back and forth gently, someone could be able to pass out on it if they really wanted to. It was a quarter of the way to the top. Candy Pop smiled at Jack, as both grew to a cold silence. The other gazing deeply into the eyes of the other. Jack gulped a bit as things were getting a bit too intense for him. He didn’t like where things were doing, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay till the end for it. It was now three-quarters of the way to the top now. If someone dropped a bit, it would echo throughout the entire circus. No one broke contact, Jack was too scared to look away, and Candy Pop was too into the moment.

The ride stopped as it reached its highest point. Candy Pop took this as his cue, and slowly leaned in. In a panic, Jack leaned back and winced. Confused, Candy Pop opened his eyes and looked at the clearly nervous clown. Both sat looking in a now dead tone silence. Candy Pop lightly coughed before leaning back into his seat. The ride started up again and started its slow descent to the ground.

“Sorry- I thought you wanted to- .” Candy Pop was then cut off by Jack. “N-no it’s okay I just panicked a bit that’s all, heh.” Jack quivered. Pops nodded his head, but he really wanted that kiss. It was just so called for, why did Jack back out, was he.. Scared? But why? It was so clear to Candy Pop that Jack was into him, or maybe that is just Jacks’ way of being nice. If so, that is one hell of a way to be nice.

They both walked in awkward silence to the exit. Neither said or even bothered to look at the other, in fear that something might happen. As they approached the exit, Laughing Jack sighed and looked at Candy Pop. “Hey- Pops? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to, I really wanted to just-!” Jack was cut off as Candy Pop grabbed the now-beat-red blushing clown, and kissed him. Jack couldn’t help but stare in shock, before calming down and kissing back. The kiss felt like it lasted for an eternity, but Jack didn’t mind. He regretted not letting Candy Pop in the first place. Candy Pop leaned into the kiss more, causing Laughing Jack to tip over a bit. Then, Pops stopped kissing Jack, allowing Jack to catch his breath.

“W-woah…” Is all Jack could say. It was just so magical it felt like a dream. Candy Pop, who was now just as red as Jack, snickered. “I-it was nothing.. Don’t mention it, heh.” Pops snickered. Jack chuckled and let out a sigh of relief, he started to walk towards the exit once more. He looked back to Candy Pop. Candy Pop nodded with a smile, as Jack left the circus, to visit for another time...

-𝙰 𝚁σɱαɳƈҽ Ⴆҽƚɯҽҽɳ ƚɯσ 𝙶σσϝႦαʅʅʂ-

𝙰 [SUSSY ANON] ϝαɳ-ϝιƈƚισɳ

𝙻αυɠԋιɳɠ 𝙹αƈƙ 𝚇 𝙲αɳԃყ 𝙿σρ

``𝚃ԋҽ 𝙲𝚒ɾƈ𝚞ʂҽʂ 𝚁σɱαɳƚιƈ 𝙳συ``

~The End~

AWWWWWWEEEWWWWWWWWWEWWE WAIT THIS WAS SO CUTE!!!

I loved it!! I’m not sure if you wanted my constructive opinion but here it is: I loved the descriptions, the lights and the circus was great, the games and the names too, I suggest adding more of feel in it. Not sure if that makes sense but just the FEEL. The humor was great, I liked the jokes you embedded. And the cartoonish descriptions were so cannon- I also like how you wrote the characters with their giddy childish selves. I used to have a really hard time filling in space between times which is another thing I think you should work on. Fillers can get mmmm sometimes so I suggest instead of dragging it out fill with emotion or thought. But overall I loved it, got lost in the story which is what matters so congrats! Great job love <333

#🔊 #creepypasta #laughing Jack #creepypasta laughing jack #laughing jack fluff #laughing jack headcanon #laughing jack creepypasta #laughing Jack cp #candy pop #candy pop creepypasta #candy pop headcannons #candy pop x laughing Jack #♣️

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Quest

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Keep in mind I’m writing this months after finishing the book lol (it’s mental illness innit). I have LOTS of notes to go off but yeah, things aren’t as fresh in my mind overall. With that said the biggest difference I can think of between my first and second experience with AQ is my feelings towards Kettricken. I think the first time around reading you know that Fitz is an unreliable narrator but you are still limited by his viewpoint so you can get a bit trapped seeing things the way he does. For this reason, I think I pretty much just forgave Kettricken when he did on my first read, whereas on this read I was like……. Waiting for her to actually apologise and show some sympathy towards Fitz and it just…. Never happened.

Like, don’t get me wrong, I still love Kettricken as a character and I fully recognise that she has been traumatised. I don’t expect her to be nice or act rationally, and in the case of being willing to take Nettle for the crown… It’s cold but she’s doing what she feels she has to. My issue is - do what you have to, but don’t expect Fitz to understand or forgive you (same with Starling). But I think what bothered me the most was how Kettricken would constantly confide in Fitz and break down to him and he was always there to let her do so, yet she NEVER gives Fitz the chance to do the same. The one time he does “open up” in a sense is when she forces him to air out his traumas in front of everyone, and she didn’t show him any sympathy for what he’d been through then or later. She has been through hell, absolutely, but while her plight may not have been any better than Fitz’s it certainly wasn’t any worse. She pretty much had two modes in this book: completely cold or a crying wreck - but she was only ever crying for herself. She lets Fitz console her but she never consoles him. Again, this is a result of her own trauma and I don’t expect her to act any differently, but it just reaffirmed for me that while she and Fitz care for each other deeply it is not an equal relationship. Fitz feels an obligation to serve her and she - knowingly or not - takes advantage of that. Like, after realising that this is their dynamic it is so obvious that the same is true in Royal Assassin as well, and it will be interesting to see how it changes (or doesn’t) in Tawny Man as I don’t remember it well enough to say.

Must reiterate: Kettricken is still a great character and I still have a lot of respect for her, unfortunately she just falls into the overfull camp of people who love Fitz but have an unhealthy power dynamic with him.

The other big difference I noticed was that the Verity stuff just wasn’t as devastating this time. Not because it was any less sad but it just didn’t tear out my heart like it did the first time. That’s not a fault with the writing at all, I think it’s just the fact that, knowing what would happen to Verity and that we wouldn’t see the real Verity again, I kind of already let go of him at the end of Royal Assassin.

Something you can’t believe you forgot

I guess more of a misinterpretation/wishful thinking but like, realising that there is no passage explicitly stating that Fitz and the Fool were actually spooning in the mountains murdered me and spat on my corpse.

Oh also!!! Fitz yeeting himself out the window at Tradeford castle jskaskjf

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

I love Kettle in general and the way we’re introduced to her as a cranky old lady sets her up perfectly

Favourite character arcs

Man they’re all so fucking sad lol but I guess the Fool? He goes from thinking Fitz is dead and his purpose failed to reuniting with Fitz, their relationship growing into something really real for the first time, and actually completing his mission - at least for now lol. This book is really the first time you get to see the Fool be properly vulnerable. Even when he was getting beaten up by Regal’s guards he always had his veneer of snark and superiority to hide behind - and I doubt when he went through his sicknesses at Buckkeep he would have revealed his weakness to anyone in order to be helped. But in the mountains he lets so much of that facade of the King’s Fool fall away - at least when it’s just him and Fitz. When he and Fitz meet again he lets Fitz see his grief and pain and hopelessness and joy as the Fool looks after Fitz, and then later when it’s the Fool who needs looking after he lets Fitz look after him. When was the last time the Fool had anyone really care for him like that, ya know? Had someone protect him purely out of love? Ouch dude!!!!

Also he gets to kiss Fitz at the end so good for him!!!!!!!!!! Be gay ride dragons!!

Favourite quote/s

“I would kill Regal. It only seemed fair. He had killed me first.”

“I had looked into the heart of my enemy. I still could not comprehend him.”

“The more I drank, the less tolerable my situation seemed. And the more intolerable I became to my friends.”

“I had never thought to be disdained by a tree.”

“The Fool, the Fool, only the Fool. I sought for him. I almost found him. Oh, he was passing strange, and surpassing strange. He darted and eluded me, like a bright gold carp in a weedy pool, like the motes that dance before one’s eyes after being dazzled by the sun. As well to clutch at the moon’s reflection in a still midnight pond as to seek a grip on that bright mind. I knew his beauty and his power in the briefest flashes of insight. In a moment I understood and marvelled at all that he was, and in the next I had forgotten that understanding.”

“When you can either laugh or cry, you might as well laugh.” - the Fool

Favourite relationships

Fitzandthefoolfitzandthefoolfitzandthefoolbahslbghabfhalgngjba 

Also fitz and nighteyes (speaking of which, Nighteyes’ arc in this book is also fascinating and surprisingly complex) and Fitz/Nighteyes/Fool mwah magnifico chef’s kiss

Favourite setting

Kelsingra baybeyyy. I remember the first time reading this having no fucking clue what was happening in that chapter but I guess it was the gay agenda all along

Favourite chapter

It’s gotta be the chapter where Fitz and the Fool reunite, right? Catch me just gradually losing my grip on reality with every lingering stare 

Most loved character

Foooooooooool

Most hated character

Ya know, for a minute I was actually wondering if I would like Starling this time round but yeah no lol. She was actually okay for a while but as soon as she sold Fitz/Nettle out she became The Worst, just as I remembered her. It’s not even because she betrays Fitz but because, like Kettricken, she expects Fitz to forgive her for it, to the point of running to tattle to the queen because Fitz isn’t giving her enough attention (I’m also not impressed with Kettricken for actually getting involved instead of just telling her to grow up). Not to mention her constantly misgendering/gendering (??) the Fool or just assuming the Fool’s gender and loudly fucking proclaiming it to everybody is just truly fucking disgusting. Like I cannot even explain how furious I was reading her incessantly using she/her pronouns for the Fool despite no confirmation that her theory is right or that the Fool is comfortable with this and despite EVERYONE ELSE using he/him pronouns. God I’m mad now lol. She just acts like a spoilt brat and it makes my blood boil. But that’s probably because I have known many people like this so… Good character writing lol congrats

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

The whole first chapter/s are just so heavy and carry on that gut wrenching feeling from the end of Royal Assassin. Fitz just has no real desire to live and watching him systematically severing the last few ties he has to his human life is just so sad.

Even though I wasn’t as attached to Verity this time, his goodbye to Fitz still made me cry

As did Fitz giving Kettle her skill back

Verity using Fitz’s body to have sex with Kettricken really got to me this time, mostly because I either didn’t notice the first time or had forgotten just how much it affects Fitz. It’s no wonder he doesn’t want to acknowledge Dutiful as his son when the event that brought that fact into being was so fucked up and traumatic. It’s really upsetting.

Burrich saying he almost took Fitz to Chivalry and he should have never let the Farseers take Fitz just …… breaks my heart. Just seeing Burrich so raw like that in general is so unusual it really takes you aback.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Strap in lads this part is lonnnngggggggg

Is it bad to immediately want to cry just from seeing “Sandsedge” on the map and thinking of Sandsedge brandy

I never really thought about how poor Hap didn’t get the real Fitz all those years and how their relationship could have been if Fitz hadn’t been partially forged

Pls I have no idea why but to picture someone as emotionally repressed as Fitz actually sitting down and writing about his life makes me want to fucking cryyyyeeeee

Fitz in the prologue talks about needing a purpose as something to distract himself from sinking [into his chronic pain, mental illness and addiction] and boy howdy if that ain’t relatable. As someone with mental illness and chronic pain Fitz is just painfully relatable way too often.

“I have never forgiven myself the triumph I ceded him when I took poison and died.” Fitz :(((( my guy :((((((( forgive yourself for surviving however you could baby!!!!!

This book mentions Bingtown providing slaves to Chalced

It’s so funny to me when people expect Fitz to have social skills as if he didn’t literally live as a fucking wolf for weeks at a time. It’s a miracle he bloody speaks

The state Fitz is in at the beginning of this book was literally Burrich’s greatest fear for him, yet Burrich doesn’t just say I told you so and leave. He stays, is patient and even optimistic.

“He (Burrich) is not bigger than I.” Why does this feel so wrong lol??? I just can’t picture Fitz as bigger than Burrich

“When you were younger and not supposed to go into taverns without me…” So it’s fine if the child goes into taverns and gets drunk as long as you’re also there. Got it, Burrich.

Fitz calling Chade “the grey one” wow get rekd old man river

Seeing Chade and Burrich interact is so bizarre

Fitz is still having seizures at the beginning of this book! I had forgotten that

God okay so idk if I can articulate this point super well but the whole thing of Fitz going through this extensive abuse and then essentially becoming an animal feels like a metaphor for the way your brain’s “higher” needs and functions just shut off sometimes under certain levels of stress. Like in order to cope with the trauma you don’t think about concepts, or long-term goals, or other people. You just take care of your basic needs - food, sleep, shelter, water - long enough that you start to feel safe and secure again, at which point your brain can open up a bit more and allow you to really think again; to want again, to plan again etc. Like obviously literally becoming an animal is a heightened version of reality, but the functionality of it is the same; our wounds and our fear stop us from fully embodying ourselves.

Burrich be like, Fitz was getting way too dependent on drugs before all this so let’s steer clear of those. :) LET’S GET HIM ABSOLUTELY SHITFACED INSTEAD

I  love how Fitz has his own unique relationship with Lacey and she’s not just Patience’s servant in his mind

Fitz talking about how even his memories from before his time in the dungeons are soiled by his trauma :( baby boy

Dude it’s so rich Chade lecturing Fitz about not making a life for himself, having friends or just chilling out like???? WHO TRAINED HIM TO BE AN ASSASSIN CHADE?? Like I get your point but what the hell kind of life did you think he was gonna have? Who ever took the time to teach him the importance of making connections with people for their own sake, and when would he have ever had the time anyway? I think Chade himself doesn’t actually know what he expects from Fitz.

Fitz saying he’s bad at making decisions because he’s never actually been allowed to make any is literally a point I’ve made lol. This is what happens when you teach teenagers how to murder in lieu of any basic life skills.

Burrich + Chiv were luv at first sight. No I will not elaborate.

“We kept you a boy, looked after you too much.” Huh??????? Fitz was never fucking sheltered lol. He didn’t have autonomy. There’s a difference.

I’m so fucking glad Fitz hugged Burrich before he left and that they actually left off on okay-ish terms. I didn’t remember that and it vaguely dulls the blow of knowing we don’t see Burrich again til Fool’s Fate (and that he thinks Fitz is dead the entire time between now and then).

“If I shaved my hair back from my brow” bitch disgusting

“Honey was the older of the two women. Perhaps my age.” jskfjnajgbl my guy those aren’t women then those are children!!!!!! U freak

I was wondering for ages why Fitz doesn’t mention the Fool like literally at all bc that’s so unusual right? Even in Assassin’s Apprentice he thinks of him when he goes to Moonseye and just in general the Fool usually enters Fitz’s thoughts pretty frequently. So why now, when Fitz doesn’t even know if the Fool is okay, is he just not thinking about him? And then I realised that that is exactly why. Because the only two people from his old life he doesn’t think about are the two people whose fates he knows nothing of: Kettricken and the Fool. So he can let his mind wander to think what Patience and Lacey might be up to at Buckkeep, or who Molly is with or whatever, because he knows they are all safe. But in such a fragile state I don’t think he can bring himself to really wonder whether Kettricken and the Fool made it to their destination - he probably doesn’t really believe they could have, and that is far too painful a road to go down when you are trying not to think at all.

I know the first act of this book is slow and that bothers some people, but I think it is so necessary, not only for Fitz’s arc but also because it really demonstrates just how severe the situation has gotten with the red ships and forged ones AND it shows just how destructive a king Regal is. Without this perspective it would probably be much harder to buy that the extreme measures taken at the end of the book are really worth the sacrifice.

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit A: when Honey is coming onto him, all he can think about is Molly.

Fitz is so scared of the Forged ones :( his trauma affects everything. He has no faith in himself and less heart for the violence than ever.

Speaking of trauma metaphors: the way Fitz tends to drift off into the wit or Skill after a traumatic experience is… pretty much just dissociation but magique

I forgot that witted folk can apparently communicate with each other mentally, not just with animals

“Her head was the size of a bushel basket.” Ah, yes, a bushel basket, a thing whose size we are all intimately familiar with.

Fitz finally finds others like him and even then he is not fully accepted. Told he is doing the wit wrong. Othered by the Others. It’s the queer experience innit.

Also forgot that apparently the forged are attracted to the wit as well as the Skill?

“I wondered if I had as many wolf mannerisms as they had halk and bear.” Yeah no probably not you only bloody LIVED as a wolf, Fitz.

Okay I know it doesn’t need saying but Patience is just so fucking cool!!!!!

Jesus fucking christ, Fitz skilling out to Molly when he knows Will knows he’s alive and is looking for him is just… so dumb. So so dumb. I know he’s just fixating on her because he’s miserable and she’s like this unsullied thing he had before everything went wrong but holy moly is it frustrating 

Not to mention he doesn’t connect the dots between the fact that Burrich went to “help a friend” and every time he reaches out for Molly he sees Burrich sajkdbshkhja dude

Nighteyes leaving just goes to show that Fitz cannot rely solely on Nighteyes for companionship. No matter how innately the same they are they are equally as innately different. Fitz needs Nighteyes but he shouldn’t have JUST Nighteyes (which is why he, Nighteyes and the Fool are the holy trinity). When Nighteyes leaves, Fitz is in way too fragile a state to be left alone, but Nighteyes cannot think of the future or what might happen. All he knows is he’ll be back at some point and that’s all that matters.

“My anger fed my competence” whatever you need to tell yourself sweetie

I think I had blocked out the fact the Regal was keeping animals trapped in filthy cages so they could ravage people in the king’s circle uggggghhhhhhhhh I hate him

Fitz is down on himself saying that without Shrewd’s largesse, Chade’s information and Verity’s protection his idea of himself has been stripped away and that he’s not actually competent etc. but like. This is an extreme situation!! You’re literally alone in the wilderness with nothing and no one!! Who would thrive in this situation? And nobody gets by without help anyway! The people in our lives do define us to an extent. You don’t have to be able to stand 100% on your own at all times with zero resources to be considered capable. It’s human to depend on others. Yes I am chiding myself as much as Fitz here :))))

Burrich’s earring is the repressed gay earring. No I will not elaborate.

Fitz refusing to sell Burrich’s earring is frustrating yet something I would 100% do lol

Direct from my notes: Celery hiding out in caves?? Bad bitch

“I felt I was within the flames looking deeply into the Fool’s eyes” um okay gay

It’s actually surprising that Fitz admits he would not have gone after Molly even if he had known she was pregnant when she left. On one hand so self aware yet this doesn’t stop him from completely idealising their relationship.

And then you have Molly who says he was supposed to come after her “so she could forgive him”, that he was supposed to be the one to light the candles for her childbirth etc. The fact that she in any way thought he was mature enough to be a father just shows how little they really knew each other.

Burrich treating Molly like a horse while delivering Nettle is way funnier than it has a right to be jskakjasd makes me think of Dwight treating Phyllis’ back injury in The Office lol

The first thing Burrich notices about Nettle is that she has Chivalry’s brow are you fucking kidding me. Gay!

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit B: He had no interest in Tassin whatsoever until she literally started kissing him. At this point his body reacted, which is normal, but as soon as he got a second to actually think about it he stopped, because for him it would not be satisfying to sleep with someone he didn’t have feelings for.

“It seemed to take years for the dried beans and lentils to soften.” Okay mood

I love how Fitz just assumes Molly will take him back. “I have a woman and child awaiting me.” Says who bitch?

Small ferret? More like big legend

Ya know, we give Fitz so much shit but honestly with so much physical, mental and emotional stress on this journey how can we expect his mental faculties to be at 100%? I wouldn’t be making good decisions either, in fact I would be long dead.

Starling telling Nik that the earring once belonged to Chivalry is truly a smooth brain move

“Do not fear, little brother, I am here to take care of you again.” Words can’t explain how much I love Nighteyes and how often his dialogue makes me smile :’)

It’s so cute how Nighteyes is worried about Molly and Nettle until he knows that Burrich is taking care of them

It’s really interesting when Fitz claims “I’d rather be with Molly even if it meant rocking a crying baby in the middle of the night” because, well, he’s literally made other claims to the contrary, saying he wouldn’t have gone with her even if he’d known she was pregnant. Because at the end of the day as much as Fitz is compelled by others to do work for the greater good, I think deep down a lot of the time it is what he would do anyway. Like I really don’t think he could actually enjoy being with Molly knowing that the world is burning down around them. He would want to get out there and help somehow; not only to secure their own future but to reduce other people’s suffering as well. He’s an empathetic boy even though he’d like to be selfish.

Every time Fitz calls Molly his wife I lose ten years off my life

Again, I understand why he’s thinking like this, but Fitz’s ownership of Molly is just so uncomfortable. The fact that he can’t imagine her not having a place ready and waiting for him in her life when he returns just illustrates that she is not a fully realised person to him. She is just a comforting idea.

Oh yes, it was definitely Starling’s “pillowtalk” that got you captured and not the fact that you fit the exact description of the witted bastard right down to having Chivalry’s earring and a whole ass wolf

Somehow forgot that Jhaampe is basically a city of tents with only a few permanent buildings and people constantly coming and going

Fitz’s first words to the Fool are “I’ve come to you.” I’m gonna fucking die

Literally every single word from the moment Fitz realises it’s the Fool and starts describing him is a full body assault and personal attack I am seeking reparations

God the tenderness, the angst, the relief……… shall i pass away

“I doubted he was much taller, but his body was no longer a child’s.” My dude this is a gay awakening if I ever saw one

Fitz be like *spends 87 pages describing the Fool in painstaking detail* anyway I love being a heterosexual male

I’ve heard ppl cite Fitz’s descriptions of Kettricken as evidence of a crush (hard disagree) but literally nothingggggg even comes close to the way he describes the Fool. Not just this once but over and over again it’s insane.

“Talk fell off between us. The bottle of brandy was empty. We were reduced to silence, staring at one another drunkenly.” skjakfnajghajgnaLNGJ is it gay to silently gaze into thine homie’s eyes

The Fool protecting Fitz from everyone - especially Starling - in Jhaampe is often hilarious and always heartwarming

Realising Fitz was skinny enough for the Fool to lift on his own ahhh no wonder he said the famous “When I recall how beautiful you were” line, Fitz is a total wreck

I love that the Fool actually gives Chade shit for his plan to take Nettle. I love him.

“Too few folk cared for me. I could not hate a single one of them.” Oh, Fitz :(

I always wonder how the Fool really feels about Molly. Is he jealous? Does he compare himself to this woman Fitz idolises and he doesn’t know? Does he know that Fitz is barking up the wrong tree or is he stuck thinking Molly must really be Fitz’s soulmate since he won’t shut up about how much he loves her and can’t wait to get back to her? He just never really lets on how it makes him feel when Fitz has relationships with women. We know Fitz gets jealous of the Fool (for litch rally like no reason lol), so with the Fool being much more honest with himself/in general about his love for Fitz and having much more legitimate reason to be jealous, is he? Or is it just something he’s made his peace with, that these women give Fitz something that he cannot? Is he okay with that cos he has to be or does he have a different, less monogamous view of love and relationships (he does have three parents after all). I dunnoooo dude I just have so many questions. Like obviously - OBVIOUSLY - if Fitz and the Fool didn’t have romantic feelings for each other before, there is no doubting that romantic feelings appeared the moment Fitz appeared in the Fool’s hut. Fitz won’t admit that but mere chapters later the Fool is talking about how he loves Fitz in every way so like. He knows. So how does he feel when Fitz is calling out for Molly in his sleep, or openly speaking of seeking her out when all this is over, and lying to the Fool to protect Molly and his daughter. Really makes u think!!!!

Fitz reuniting with Sooty and going to see her every day in Jhaampe is so cuuuute and made me so happy. Sooty is a good girl :’)

Fitz be like *leans against the table where the Fool is carving and watches his fingers at work like a true repressed gay*

Verity is literally so strong???? He submerged himself in skill and was able to pull himself back from the stream can u imagine? Go off king!

Bro I literally can’t with the Fool mentioning Jofron so casually and Fitz immediately thinking wow oh my god they’re definitely fucking oh my god the Fool has a girlfriend - Fitz sweetie calm down

I love how Fitz and the Fool just naturally walk together :))) and Nighteyes babysitting Kettle is so cute

Molly never once says that she misses Fitz. She says she always expected him to do the right thing, to come after her and not leave her alone with a child. But she doesn’t look back on their time together fondly or have much positive to say about him as a person. And all that is fair, but it’s also just… Not really the behaviour of someone who’s been separated from their soulmate. It’s more just someone who’s been left in a shitty position by someone they cared about but hardly knew.

Fitz asking the Fool what is between him and Starling when they’re literally just being civil is sooooo fucking funny. Not everyone finds the Fool as irresistible as you do, Fitz.

The Fool just casually finding a pretext to call Fitz the light of his life

Fitz telling Kettricken firmly that he will not travel if the Fool is ill is one of the only times he ever puts his foot down with her GEE I WONDER WHY

I’ve said it before I’ll say it again…… there really do be something about the way Fitz can’t meet the Fool’s eyes………. It’s not like they’re weird and colourless anymore like they used to be!!!

The Fool already talking about Clerres in this book!

Fitz and the Fool and Nighteyes playing in the stream is too fucking pure omg, it’s what they deserve

And then Starling has to bloody ruin it bc she’s homophobique

But seriously, Fitz actually lets go for the first time in ages and has a nice evening only for Starling to go tattling to Kettricken, and Kettricken having the gall to confront Fitz about it. And then Fitz solves the problem by saying he doesn’t disdain her when like!! He has every right to!!!! She sold him out, sold his daughter out. She never even apologised but instead has just been totally petty and self-righteous and stirring up trouble amongst the group. She hasn’t earned or even asked for his forgiveness. So fitting that she’s the one constantly judging Fitz for his relationship with Lord Golden in Tawny Man lol, she just cannot let Fitz and the Fool be the queer icons they are!!!

Verrrrrrrrrrry interesting that Fitz only “suddenly missed the human warmth and comfort” of Starling taking his arm or sleeping against him literally IMMEDIATELY after the plumbing and love confrontation with the Fool. I mean he has been doing all of those things with the Fool (sleeping together, walking arm in arm etc.) so it’s not about human touch at all, it’s about convincing himself that a WOMAN’S touch is somehow inherently different.

He does the same thing with Starling as with Kettricken. She technically apologises but it’s not sincere and that’s not why he forgives her. Same as Kettricken, she tells her sob story and he can’t hold onto his anger. It makes sense, but it’s just very toxic. It would be nice if at least one person would really recognise how much they’ve hurt Fitz and really, genuinely want to atone for it, or apologise without expecting forgiveness. The onus should not be on Fitz to forgive Starling but on Starling to grow up and not need Fitz to like her in order to remain civil and do what they have to. Also “I do not find your wit bond offensive” has the same energy as someone telling you out of nowhere like “It’s fine that you’re gay :)” like wow thank u?? lol

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit C: “I wanted her with a desperation that had nothing to do with love, and even, I believe, little to do with lust.”

“By his love he is betrayed, and his love betrayed also.” So fate agrees with me, Fitz and the Fool are in love? :)

Anytime the potential that Fitz might have to choose between Molly and Nighteyes I lose brain cells. That’s ur brother Fitz!!! It’s not even a choice!! How dare u

It’s just sooooo intentionally laid out for us in this book that Fitz’s relationship with Molly really wasn’t good or healthy and that his fixation on it is misguided, and I think that’s why I struggled sooooo hard with the ending of Fool’s Fate, because it kind of implied the exact opposite. I’m hoping on this reread I will pick up on it being laid out as a result of Fitz getting his memories/teen feelings back rather than it just feeling like a lowkey retcon, but I guess we’ll see lol

“I felt I was a bit in love with him, you know. That sort of lift to the heart.” the confirmation that the Fool KNOWS HOW IT FEELS TO BE IN LOVE sends me deep into the swamps goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee

“The one who loves him best will betray him most foully.” So fate agrees, the Fool loves Fitz best :)

“You do love me! … Before, it was words. I always feared it was born out of pity.” Godddddd Foooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!! 

Everything about Fitz, the Fool and Nighteyes meeting in the skill for the first time is just truly perfect iconic unparalleled.

Fitz’s love for Verity hurts my heart so much. Just think of the relationship they could have had if they weren’t stupid royals.

Kettle’s whole speech about Fitz and Molly… Just yes to every word.

Look I’m just gonna say it… The way Burrich reacts to Molly’s advances … like I know it’s probably not intentional but it just reads as very much fitting in with my headcanon that he is gay. As soon as she makes it clear she wants to sleep with him he like leaps across the room lol. I do believe he cares for her and loves her in his way, but it does feel mostly like he’ll just do whatever he needs to to care for her and the baby.  Sowwy

I wonder why the Fool wasn’t as affected by his giving up of memories to Girl-on-a-Dragon?? Or was he, and he just gets them back before we see him again in Tawny Man?

“Take my hurt that I never knew my father, take my hours of staring up at his portrait when the great hall was empty and I could do so alone.” um this is so fucking sad

It was the Fool who sent Starling to find Fitz after Verity uses his body and again I have to ask, wtf is going on in your mind, Fool!

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit D: Even once he actually sleeps with Starling he has no enthusiasm about it, he just kind of goes along with it, likely to prove to himself that he has really let go of his past/Molly. 

I always wonder why the Fool leaves now. Is it because he thinks their work is done and doesn’t want to risk messing things up by hanging around his catalyst like at the end of Tawny Man? Does he intend to come back and find Fitz again but get sidetracked by a lead or a new dream? Like it’s just weird because at first he was like “Prophet and Catalyst stick together” and was gonna stay with Fitz - or was that just an excuse because he was obsessed with Girl-on-a-Dragon? Fool u spicy lil enigma

It’s blood and the wit that wakes the stone dragons so does that mean King Wisdom was witted? Or is that obvious lol

Fitz isn’t even bothered by the Fool’s kiss, just shocked. I am looking.

Patience shouting orders at Verity-as-Dragon is beautiful ksjjk

Of courrrrrssse Burrich names his first son Chivalry

In the epilogue, the Fool is the only one Fitz actually says he misses. Exquisite.

I know some people have an issue with Regal’s death but personally I find it delicious

Okay that’s all (I say as if this wasn’t 139841989 pages long). See y’all in 92 years when my sister finally starts reading Liveship!

#realm of the elderlings #realm of the quarantine #assassin's quest #long post #fitz and the fool #Fitzchivalry Farseer #rote #ehhh idk what else to tag lol #if u read all this congrats and i'm sorry

[rabdoidal]

i know you listen to a lot of podcasts and ive found some of my favourites from hearing you talk about them! do you have any favourites?

under the cut! my top 10 podcasts at the moment:

Alice Isn’t Dead Genre: horror, thriller, drama, Lovecraftian, Americana Episode count: 30 (completed) Description: A truck driver searches across America for the wife she had long assumed was dead. In the course of her search, she will encounter not-quite-human serial murderers, towns literally lost in time, and a conspiracy that goes way beyond one missing woman. Thoughts: This podcast is, to me at least, completely flawless in every way. I would consider myself a person that listens to a lot of horror podcasts, but Alice Isn’t Dead takes the cake for its depictions of liminal middle America, the horror that is capitalism, and the most tender, realistic depiction of lesbians in any podcast. Anything else I could say would spoil it and for this, I don’t want to spoil it because I want every person alive that can stomach horror to listen to this.

Archive 81 Genre: horror, comedy, sci-fi, Lovecraftian Episode count: 35 (ongoing) Description: Archive 81 is a found footage horror podcast about ritual, stories, and sound. Thoughts: The latest podcast I’ve tried, and it’s definitely one that grows on you. The audio mixing is some of the best I’ve heard in any podcast, and every bump and scratch and hum of frequency weaves to form moments that are truly and viscerally gory. Season 3 and Left of The Dial are my favorites because again, I love Americana horror, and anything that involves family!

Artificial Ghost Radio Genre: non-fiction, discussion, comedy Episode count: 75 (ongoing) Description: Our Sisyphean music recommendation challenge with hosts Miles (he/him) and Jupiter (she/they) challenge each other to find songs based on arbitrary themes and to spin the WHEEL OF DISCORD to talk about a random song from their library! They can be found on twitter @artghostpod. Thoughts: Gotta plug my own podcast! We’re still small, but the people I’ve met from doing AGR has made my life richer and fuller, even through the ups and downs. I recommend starting with #58: Songs about Aliens ft. our friend Liz (@thescaryjokes)!

EOS 10 Genre: medical drama, comedy, sci-fi Episode count: 34 (ongoing) Description: Doctors in space, a deposed alien prince, a super gay space pirate and a fiery nurse who'll help you win your bar fight. Thoughts: It’s been a hot minute since I listened, but as someone that inherently loves things like Star Trek and procedural comedies, EOS 10 is a quick and hilarious listen! Fair warning some of the earlier stuff is a little bit ignorant when it comes to their LGBT characters, but it gets a lot better over time.

King Falls AM Genre: horror, comedy, Lovecraftian Episode count: 100 (ongoing) Description: King Falls AM centers on a lonely little mountain town's late-night AM talk radio show and its paranormal, peculiar happenings and inhabitants Thoughts: I’m a bit behind, but again, gotta love some Alpine American horror! King Falls AM perfectly captures the feeling and sound of listening to a small late night radio show with two bros, but it really goes from typical dude dialogue to heart wrenching found family alien conspiracy real quick. Same as EOS 10, fair warning for some ignorant language and LGBT stereotypes, but they address it and it gets better as it progresses.

Not Another D&D Podcast Genre: actual play Dungeons and Dragons, TTRPG, comedy Episode count: 128 (ongoing) Description: Welcome to the campaign after the campaign! Three unlikely adventurers attempt to right the wrongs caused by a party of legendary heroes who screwed up the world while trying to save it. Thoughts: I’m only like 40 episodes in because they’re thick, meaty ‘sodes, but god is NADDPOD fucking hilarious. I’ve tried a fair few TTRPG shows, but the chemistry and care that the cast has together is unmatched by others in the genre. I’m a complete sucker for shows that are so funny and so tragic in equal measures, and the entire concept of a D&D game set after the world has been so drastically changed by a different D&D game is so unique!

The Faculty of Horror Genre: non-fiction, horror, philosophy, sociology, feminism Episode count: 86 (ongoing) Description: Tackling all things horror with a slash of analysis and research, horror journalists and occasional academics Andrea Subissati and Alexandra West are your hosts for brain-plumping discussions on all things that go bump in the night. Thoughts: A little non-fiction in this list of fiction podcasts! The Faculty of Horror is a concise and educated intersectional feminist podcast, and it’s a breath of fresh air to listen to anyone that isn’t a cishet white guy talk about horror. I highly recommend the episode on Cabin in The Woods or Jennifer’s Body!

The Magnus Archives Genre: horror, office comedy Episode count: 180 (ongoing) Description: The Magnus Archives is a weekly horror fiction anthology podcast examining what lurks in the archives of the Magnus Institute, an organization dedicated to researching the esoteric and the weird. Join new head archivist Jonathan Sims as he attempts to bring a seemingly neglected collection of supernatural statements up to date, converting them to audio and supplementing them with follow-up work from his small but dedicated team. Thoughts: TMA is, similarly to A81, a bit of a slow burn to get into, but I think once you listen to a few episodes you’ll know if you want to continue. It’s a pretty standard prompt for a narrative, but the sheer amount of individual short horror stories they’ve managed to write is insane! And I love the slow break down between recording statements and the stuff happening within the archives. Also one of the best redemption stories in a character that starts off as such a grumpy fuck!

The Penumbra Podcast Genre: sci-fi, neo-noir, romance, comedy, found family, magic, medieval fantasy, adventure, mystery Episode count: 75 (ongoing) Description: At the Penumbra, you might follow Juno Steel, a brooding, sharp-witted private eye on Mars, as he tangles with an elusive homme fatale, tracks dangerous artifacts of an ancient alien civilization, and faces his three greatest fears: heights, blood, and relationships. Or you might enter the world of the Second Citadel, where the merciless Sir Caroline must corral a team of emotionally distraught all-male knights to defend their city against mind-manipulating monsters...even the ones they’ve fallen in love with. Thoughts: On god TPP was a life changing podcast for me. Having creators that are genuinely concerned with accurately representing minorities with care and dedication makes me feel spoiled when I try listen to anything else. The two main universes are so different with their own set of histories and cultures, but I love them both so completely. If you want LGBT+ representation, this is the seminal podcast for everything non-binary, trans, queer, and people that aren’t afraid to change and have that change be known! I haven’t listened to another podcast that actually depicts transitioning like they do, absolute king shit.

Wolf 359 Genre: space drama, comedy, action Episode count: 61 (completed) Description: WOLF 359 is a radio drama in the tradition of Golden Age of Radio shows. Set on board the U.S.S. Hephaestus space station, the dysfunctional crew deals with daily life-or-death emergencies, while searching for signs of alien life and discovering there might be more to their mission than they thought Thoughts: Wolf 359 is like if you fell down the stairs and at the bottom of the stairs was a bear trap, and then after you step in the bear trap someone helps you take off that beartrap, but then they kick you in the nuts. Just replace physical pain with emotional pain. It can be so funny but also so fucking stressful and sad – w359 isn’t afraid to kill its darlings, and it will break your heart but you will still say thank you.

#personal #podcasts #podcast recommendations #long post #Anonymous

[oceanic-frog]

thx for the tag @justmemyselfandthefridge!

1. When is your birthday? will not say but im a sagittarius

2. What is your favourite colour? navy blue? sage green? idk.

3. What is your lucky number? 27 or 7

4. Do you have any pets? yea! a cat named willow

5. How tall are you? 5'6 1/2 ish

6. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4 i think

7. What is your favourite song? uhhh thats really hard but amoeba by clairo atm

8. What is your favourite movie? something star wars or studio ghibli idk

9. What is your ideal partner? uhhh someone who i can laugh with but also have deep conversations with? but idk i mostly just like who i like and want to be with whoever that is (does that make sense?)

10. Do you want any children? probably not. depends.

11. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law? nope

12. What colour are your socks? im barefoot atm

13. Bath or shower? shower

14. What’s your favourite kind of music? indie pop/indie typa thing or just gay but it depends ig

15. How many pillows do you sleep on? two

16. What position do you sleep in? on my side

17. What do you not like when sleeping? light (i sleep in complete darkness) and noise

18. What do you have for breakfast? Ddepends on if im at my moms or dads and if its summer/weekend or schoolday

19. Have you ever tried archery? nope :(

20. What is your favourite fruit? strawberries

21. Favourite swear word? i dont really swear but i find fuck the most satisfying to say or think

22. Do you have any scars? yea

23. Are you a good liar? yes? when i really care enough but i dont like lying so if i dont try hard enough no

24. What is your personality type? i forget

25. What is your favourite kind of girl? what is this question im confused (why is it on here for only girls or at all??)

26. Left or right-handed? right handed

27. Favourite food? idk.

28. Are you messy or organized? organized

29. Favourite foreign food? japanese food

30. How long does it take you to get ready? depends where im going. in an hour?

31. Most used phrase? my mind went blank. i know there is one tho

32. Are you a good singer? no

33. Do you sing to yourself? yes

34. Your worst fear. idk

35. Do you like short hair or long hair? (does this mean like having that length hair? im just gonna go by that) i like having all lengths.

36. Are you into gossip? i dont really like gossip but i dont like being out of the loop so

37. Are you introverted or extroverted? ambivert ig

38. Favourite school subject? depends on the unit, the project and the teacher

39. What makes you nervous? speaking in front of a group my heart rate speeds up almost every time

40. Who was your first real crush? ...

41. How many piercings do you have? just my ears

42. How fast can you run? not very fast

43. What makes you angry? when people dont listen to my side of the argument or like just say they dont want to argue anymore without giving me a chance to explain why i think that

44. Do you like your name? yeah

45. What are your weaknesses? being very tired, very hot and/or very hungry it, it makes me mean to ppl i care about

46. What is your greatest strength? no idea

47. What is the color of your bedspread? white with blue, black, grey and beige circles with dots/tear drops inside

48. What is the color of your room? all my furniture and the walls are white

idk who to tag so whoever wants!!

#tag games

[peterstanslizzie]

Reacting To: The Hollow (Season 2 Episode 2)

Episode Title: Hollow Games

Key Highlights (Spoiler Warning): Kindly proceed if you’ve already seen the episode or simply don’t care about spoilers.

This episode was amazingly gay, wasn’t it? Let’s begin:

1. The episode picks up where things left off in episode 1. Our favorite trio are being cornered by their greatest childhood fears.

2. Mira decides to confront Adam’s fears for him and the rest of them follow her lead with Adam taking on Mabel, the giant chicken and Kai taking on creepy doll. The guys take on a physical approach but Mira tries to reason with the bullies. Unfortunately, none of their methods are working. 

3. Amidst all of this, we find out that Mira has an older sister on top of her younger brother, Miles.   

4. At one point, Adam is pinned down by Mabel with its foot and Kai sees that he’s in trouble and goes to rescue him. 

5. Kai yells and tells Mabel that he’s not afraid of it and as it’s about to charge right at him, it disintegrates. I like how Kai is the one to save Adam this time around instead of the opposite because it’s usually Adam who saves him. Basically, they discover that facing their own fears is the way to go. Well, it’s pretty obvious, no? But it seems a little too easy for all of them to conquer their fears by just yelling at them. Oh well...

6. After the showdown, they head back to Kai’s big mansion to make sense of what’s happening to them. During their discussion, Kai seems to regret having had a crush on Mira because she’s Miles’s sister. What’s the deal with her brother, Miles? Oh right, we’ll find out later in the episode. 

7. Hold up, hold up, hold up! Kai still thinks that Adam and Mira have a ‘thing’ for each other and he doesn’t want to get in between them. Is this going where I think it’s going?

8. OMFG!!! Stop everything! Drop everything. Kai said “I’m gay”. He said the word GAY. And he said it so casually! I didn’t expect this coming out to happen so early on in the season. I love it! Kai’s reaction was cute and totally chill. But poor Mira almost had forgotten that she actually kissed Adam. She apologizes to him and blames it on the memory block she had due to the game. Sure Mira :)

9. But seriously; It’s pretty clear Mira knew that he was gay all along and I’m sure if she had her memories with her at that time, she wouldn’t have kissed him. Oh and Adam is aware he’s attractive. Of course he is! How can anyone resist someone who is as tall, dark and handsome as he is. 

10. I’m smiling so hard right now. But anyways, back to the situation at hand; They’re now talking about the glitch they saw when they were playing the game (back in season 1) and how the glitch was able to create such an accurate depiction of their lives. Adam thinks that they’re now on Level 2 of ‘The Hollow’ but Mira isn’t buying that theory. Master Kai still thinks it’s all a dream. Will he just stop?! LOL

11. They call for The Weird Guy’s help but nothing happened. Mira thinks they should look for him at The Hollow Games studio. But before they could all leave for the studio, they’re stopped by Davis, Kai’s butler. He insists that Miles should head to bed and that Mira and Adam leave the mansion. 

12. If you look closely at his sleeves, the initials K P are on it. That means Kai’s last name starts with a P. I wonder what it is? Maybe it’s Parnall for Connor Parnall, the voice actor for Kai? I think it’s adorable how he says, “Silly Adam” before going to bed. 

13. Mira drops Adam outside his home but she’s too wary of everything that’s happening around them and isn’t convinced that Adam should trust his parents and stay with them. I completely understand Mira. She really wants everything to be solved asap and she wants to go to the studio to see The Weird Guy tonight. But there are too many uncertainties and she has to consider what both Adam and Kai want as well. She also feels like she can’t trust Adam because she doesn’t know if he’s real or part of the game mechanics.  

14. On the other hand, Adam thinks that they’re on Level 2 of the game and they just need to live like they usually do and wait for quests or challenges to appear before them. It’s sad to watch them argue. I guess that’s how being in a complex game/experiment-thingy does to your mind; You can’t help but to come up with any sort of scenario. 

15. Okay, so we now know that Mira and Adam are actually childhood best friends prior to starting the game. They even carved their initials on a sidewalk. 

16. Remember in my episode 1 review when I said Adam’s mom is creepy. This scene right here takes the entire cake for me. *Shudders

17. Adam is busy searching for clues in his room and finds a Moby Dick book but with completely blank pages. How strange. This world is really messed up. Mira is driving through town and sees Skeet speed-running on the streets. This should be interesting. Since last season, I’ve always thought of Skeet to potentially work with the main trio one day since he was so reluctant to fight them. We shall see what happens deeper into the season. 

18. The next morning, Adam and Kai meet up outside the donut shop and Kai is freaking out because he says he hasn’t woken up from his dream. He tells him about a new theory he has to explain why everyone is acting so weird: an Alien Invasion. I honestly can believe any explanation at this point because everything is so messed up. 

19. Mira didn’t show up and they become worried. They walk over to Mira’s house and ring the doorbell. It’s Miles! And he immediately recognizes Kai. Miles and Kai seem to be gaming buddies. 

QUESTION: I’m now wondering about how long Kai has known Mira and Adam prior to ‘The Hollow’. I guess he could be childhood friends with them too? 

20. Adam thinks that Mira probably went to the Hollow Games studio last night and they make their way over there. They are stopped by a security guard who doesn’t even know what building she’s guarding and isn’t aware of ‘The Hollow’. I guess this supports my theory that only current game players know what ‘The Hollow’ is. 

21. Is it just me or does Adam always feels like he has to touch Kai in some way or form, every chance he gets? I’m not complaining though.

22. Darla is hilarious and I totally stan her. We need to see more from her and her ex, Steve. Apparently Reeve is or was friends with Adam and Mira in real life. From my understanding, all three of them were in a team (for The Hollow?) before something happened and they had to recruit Kai as his replacement. I love all the backstory we’re getting. This season is doing a good job with that. And this explains the picture of the 3 of them in Adam’s room last episode. It’s such a contrast because they were kinda direct enemies last season. 

23. They sneak into the building to find Mira and they’re pretty sure she’s in there because her scooter is parked outside. 

24. It looks like it’s ‘The Hollow’ champions wall. We see a picture of Gretchen Aguilar and her team but no sign of Adam, Mira and Kai on that wall. This further confirms their suspicion that they haven’t actually won the game yet. 

25. They head to the stage room where the participants would wear their VR-looking googles and play ‘The Hollow’. Kai trips on a cable that he suspects is connected to a server room that powers the game. But Adam calls him from what it appears to be the control room as he is looking through files to gather more information. 

26. After surviving a random and sudden earthquake, they come across the server room but they are swarmed by a bunch of laser-shooting bots. They barricade themselves inside the room, which has a broken wall that leads to a big portal. They suspect that Mira jumped through that very portal.

27. Adam isn’t sure if they should enter that portal but time is running out and they need to make a decision fast. 

28. Any excuse to touch Kai huh? He is so smitten by him (I need to stop lol)

29. The episode ends with the two of them literally taking a leap of faith into the portal. Stay tuned for my reaction to episode 3, which will be out very soon. BTW y’all, I’m still not over Adam’s coming out scene to Kai! Cue me replaying that scene over and over again. 

#the hollow #the hollow netflix #spoilers #the hollow spoilers #the hollow adam #the hollow kai #the hollow mira #kaidam #adam x kai #kai x adam #lgbt representation #lgbt in media #lgbt cartoons #lgbtq #the hollow season 2 #lgbt #lgbt in animation #lgbt animation #fantasy show #episode review #episode recap #hollow games #coming out scene #gay characters

[pinkchaosart]

On transphobia towards our Sisters (not just our cis-ters)

(TW: talk of transphobia, misogyny, gender and sex-based violence)

So I went and took a look at the post by @persistentlyfem that’s causing a major fuss, and I thought I’d address it as a lesbian femme myself. I see a lot of the common talking points that get thrown around and I’m seeing some truly toxic replies being thrown in her direction. Eight years ago I might have agreed with the replies, but I think it’s more useful to engage those talking points and maybe we can meet with some kind of understanding.

Now I want to get a few things out of the way first. Persistentlyfem says, if not in the main post then elsewhere on her blog, that she doesn’t identify as a radfem (radical feminist), so I won’t assume that she is one. I will however address the points she raises as being part of the trans-exclusionist radical feminist ideology, as that’s where the ideas seem to have come from.

One of the biggest misunderstanding between radical feminists and liberal feminists is the concept of gender vs. sex and their importance when speaking of identities. TERF ideology is rooted in second-wave feminism of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, which was a necessary step in the feminist school of thought and is the reason we have a lot of our modern rights. Most people who are trans-exclusionary would describe themselves as gender-critical, but in my opinion, I believe that being exclusionary towards trans women is rooted in the resistance to third-wave feminist ideas of individualism and diversity. But we’ll hold that thought for now.

The ideal of radical feminism is to liberate women by tearing down the concept of gender, abolishing it all together. The ideal of liberal feminism is to create equality by creating safe and inclusive spaces for everyone, regardless of gender, via social and legal reform. Basically the main difference between the two schools of thought is one seeks to destroy gender as a construct and the other seeks to expand it to be more inclusive. It’s important to note that being a radical feminist does not automatically mean that you must be trans-exclusionary.

So I’d like to talk about some specific talking points. I took a little stroll down Persistentlyfem’s blog to see what her experience has been and so that I can understand where she’s coming from. Normally I wouldn’t engage in this kind of conversation because I’m disabled so I have very little energy to spare, but as a fellow butch-attracted femme, I thought it might be useful to respond to her  thoughts. I won’t respond to all the points in her recent post, but I will try to talk about the core ideas.

I see that she’s concerned with misogyny in LGBTQ2S+ spaces. I agree it’s widespread, often in ways that are covert. I see it in how butches treat femmes, how gay men talk about women, and how we speak to fellow gay women who disagree with our opinions. And, If I understand correctly, it’s that internalized misogyny that she believes is responsible for trans women believing they should be included in women-only spaces. I argue that it’s quite the opposite, and that it’s actually misogyny that keeps trans-women from being fully accepted.

What I mean is that I find the argument for “female-only spaces” (assigned female at birth, cisgendered women) quite reductive. It implies that there is only one way to be a woman and it reduces us to our genitalia. I don’t think anyone would say they’re a woman because they have a vagina and mean it fully (maybe you would, I don’t really know you). They would also say that their experiences shape them as a woman as well. And I agree, what makes a woman involves quite a lot of factors, and no two women’s experiences are the same. Persistentlyfem has argued that trans women are raised and socialized as male, but I disagree. Setting aside that trans women aren’t a monolith and have completely different socializations between individuals, I would agree that most trans women are treated as male growing up, but for the most part, it doesn’t quite….fit them. More accurately I would say our culture attempts to socialize them as men.

When I think back to my own experience growing up, I, like a lot of girls, had a “not like other girls” period. Internalized misogyny, great right? Because the socialization of “girl” didn’t quite right, the definition being narrow and rigid. Based on stereotypes. So I found my femininity later in my teens. I argue that this is something that most women go through in some way or another. We find our socialization as women uncomfortable and constraining. Not quite right.

As I said, you can’t speak of trans women as a monolith, but from the stories and dialogue I’ve been involved in, countless stories sound exactly like that. Being socialized into a Gender Box that doesn’t suit you is like watching a video in a language you don’t speak. Internalized misogyny is a universal experience between girls growing up, cis and trans, and it is internalized misogyny that keeps trans women from accepting who they truly are. In fact, for them to run away from woman as their identity would inherently be internalized misogyny.

The idea that trans ideology is based in “regressive stereotypes about ‘boys and girls’” isn’t wholly incorrect. I think we all agree that gender is a social construct. But that doesn’t make my identity as a women more valid than someone who transitioned later in life. It doesn’t follow that a trans’ person’s gender is less real than a cis person’s gender. And while we live in our culture and our current society, gender is something that we interact with on a daily basis, which makes it real in a very real sense. We could argue whether it should be that way, but the situation is currently that gender is an important construct in our culture. Not to mention, the thought that all trans people fall in a strict “man” or “woman” binary is incorrect as there are plenty of people that embody other gender identities. Indeed, there are many wonderful trans people that we could argue are the radfem ideal of aegender and/or non binary.

Now the idea that “lesbians and straight men like vaginas. Gays and straight women like penises” is a bit of a stretch. Again, I think a statement like this is pretty oversimplified, but I don’t think that you’re inherently wrong. Generally speaking, sure. Although, again, I’ve met plenty of straight women dating trans men, and there are plenty of straight men that date trans women. But the inherent flaw in this argument isn’t that you’re wrong, but that it implies that attraction equals validity. Am I a woman because a man is attracted to my vagina? No. Am I less of a woman if men aren’t attracted to me? Again, no. My gender isn’t contingent on other’s attraction to me, and that is the same for trans individuals. I think this kind of argument comes from the pressure that is sometimes felt within our community, that if you’re not open to dating trans people then you’re inherently transphobic. I am not going to get into that argument, as this is a whole other can of worms. But what I am going to say is that nobody is going to force you to date a trans person. You don’t have to date someone if you don’t want to. You don’t have to tell everyone why you don’t want to date them, you can just politely decline. 

I’m going to be blatantly honest: I am predominantly attract to butch women and afab non binary masculine people. I have never dated someone who was amab, and generally speaking I don’t find myself attracted to them. But that doesn’t mean I think that trans women aren’t women just because I generally don’t find myself attracted to them. 

On top of this I’m going to agree with you: sex based oppression does exist. So does gender-based oppression. I know I have experienced bullying in my own time based on my own gender, my ability, my weight, all that good stuff. Maybe some of it was based around embarrassing period episodes (which I would file under sex-based bullying). But misogyny is not just sex-based, it is also inherently gendered. And if we know anything about trans women, it’s that they are overly targeted with violence based on their gender. Especially if they’re BIPOC. And it’s because their gender is feminine that they’re perceived as being targets; is that not the epitome of misogyny? To hate a person because they’re not perceived as the patriarchal male ideal?

Something else I would like to talk about is the concept that trans women are inherently misogynistic. I would argue that every woman, regardless of what they were assigned at birth, carries internalized misogyny. Cis women, however, have years to grapple with it before becoming women. Trans women tend to not have as much time to unlearn internalized misogyny before they become women. That doesn’t invalidate them as women, it just means that we should be more supportive of them, not less. All of this trans-exclusionary rhetoric only serves to increase their self-hatred and I argue that that kind of talk is a contributing factor to the poor mental health we see in the trans community. Instead of supporting some of the people with the greatest insight into the patriarchy, trans-exclusionists push women away and inflict them with even more gendered violence and gender-based discrimination. 

The other thing I want to address is the idea that trans women transitioning is rooted in homophobia. Which seems to make sense if you think of trans women being only attracted to men. The idea that a man decides to be a woman because he can’t deal with being gay doesn’t make a lot of sense, though. Homophobia tends to be rooted in misogyny too, a fear of being less of a man. So it doesn’t follow that the solution would be to “become a woman” much like the solution to put out a fire isn’t to light more things on fire. Piggybacking off of this point, a lot of trans exclusionists will accuse trans women of being predators. In fact, often, they’ll hold these two ideas at the same time. But the reality is that, if a man wants to prey on women, he doesn’t need to become a woman. The sign on the bathroom door isn’t actually a deterrent if a man wants to follow a woman in. And again, it’s a counter-intuitive idea, that a man who wants to prey on women would go through all the legal hurdles, all the social stigma, even some medical treatments just to gain access to women’s only spaces. Besides the fact that this type of behaviour is a myth created by conservative right-wing christian groups to stir up fear, it doesn’t happen and assault is still illegal regardless of what your gender marker is. 

I am not going to address anything about surgery or hormones. Those points are only ever brought up as enforcing points, they’re not the main issues. Most of the rhetoric is based in fear-mongering conservative right-wing christian groups drum up and it is, again, a whole other topic that requires nuance that most people don’t acknowledge.

The main point I see Persistantlyfem talk about, and something we can agree on, is the misogyny in LGBTQ2S+ spaces. We all like to think that, somehow through our journeys of discovering our true selves, we shed the misogyny along the way, that our spaces are truly accepting of all genders and presentations. That’s not the case. Misogyny is still a problem in every letter of our community and it will be for a long time. We see it when butches treat femmes as “high maintenance” or like property, we see it in how gay men talk about female bodies. We see it the self-hatred trans people of all gender identities feel towards themselves. We see it when lesbians reject bisexual women. 

Throwing around “terf” helps nobody. Calling each other stupid and pretentious is not useful. I know this is a painful topic to many on both sides, but the infighting in the queer community is toxic and needs to come down from a boil if we’re going to make any progress. Most people that sling insults are younger and therefor are more hot-headed. I used to be too, and still can be sometimes but like I said, limited energy means that you tend to focus it more consciously and I hope that this time I’ve spent here can help.

@Persistantlyfem, I see that you were hurt, and I respect and honour your experiences. I suspect that some of those that hurt you were trans women. I understand, I’ve had trans partners hurt me as well. But those experiences don’t allow us to revoke someone else’s right to their own interpretation of themselves. And I’m sorry about all of the toxicity you’ve experienced in these last few weeks, you don’t deserve it. I hope that we can have a conversation in a respectable way, worthy of two adult gays who’ve been through a lot.

#femimism #transgender #terf #trans-exlusionary #gender critical #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbt #femme #lesbian #butch #transwoman #queer #misogyny #internalized sexism #trans day of visibility #persistantlyfem #@persistantlyfem #JK Rowling #i wrote an essay #wooooooow