Happy birthday to me!!! 🎂
Yeah. Hi. It's me.
Middle-aged Aziraphale fangirl did his next big step in the direction of the big 50.
Wahooooo!
Not really…
I hate my birthdays.
Always did.
Even as a child.
Now as this middle-aged queerish-dude I am still having a hard time, standing in the middle of things and being cheered on by others.
I was born. Great. Get along, people, nothing to see here. Can you all just go home please?
"Well, what the f*ck are you doing here then, right now, with this post, in the middle of an internet platform in front of a bunch of strangers?!?"
some of you might ask.
And rightly so, I must add.
Way more than 12 hours before - it is now past 10 pm in Germany - so this morning after I woke up to be exact, I had seriously contemplated the possibility to call in sick on my birthday, and hide myself from the world, quietly sobbing on my couch.
For the first time in my working life of 24 years. I had always been to work on my birthdays. No exception.
But the past months had been hard. I never really felt in control of things, still don't.
Those who know me closer, know that I like to be in control.
Always a plan at hand. Always prepared…
Only that it didn't really work out…hasn't for quite a long time.
I just never admitted it to myself. Always kept on going.
My family was always good in repressing things.
Don't show weakness.
Keep on functioning.
What will the others think?
People depend on you!
My family also never really considered me being "a success story" by their standards.
I am unmarried. Don't have children. No big career.
Ok, I've put enough on the side to live a financial solid life in a nice appartment.
But the first part really nagged at them, and through them at me.
So I was already unhappy for quite some time.
Together with an ongoing above-average and ever growing work-load at the office, this feeling of unhappiness turned slowly into dread and then deep sadness, until I felt close to breaking with the beginning of today.
Now, almost 15 hours later, I am here, writing this sappy stuff and am genuinely happy for the first time in months.
"What changed?"
Well, I was thinking about this a lot in the past hour. While sitting in the bus and later while walking home.
Honestly? Nothing really changed.
I got my eyes opened and my perspective adjusted by someone very dear to me.
That's what friends are for, and she is the best of them. My bestie.
She is the one who got me addicted to Good Omens last year and pushed me onto this hellsite.
She brought me Doctor Who and the Tardis (yeah, I know, shame on me, coming so late to the game…).
She makes me constantly re-think my opinions and keeps opening new windows to look through on things I had missed or never noticed before.
She is challenging me on a daily basis to be more than I normally would go for or did for many years.
She became the closest friend I have ever had in my life.
Sure, I know lots of people a lot longer in years. Some since Kindergarten.
But none of them digged themselves so deep into the darkest corners of my soul.
Places not even my brother or my parents ever got to see.
She made me, a life long rather shy introvert, open up, despite the fact that she is even more introverted than I have ever been.
I still don't fully understand all of it, but here I am, writing all this to an unknown audience, as proof.
A year ago, this wouldn't have been possible, not even in my wildest dreams.
"So, you didn't realize this before?"
I did. It just got pushed aside by all the negative spiralling. Sometimes you don't see, what's right in front of you.
After work, I walked her home. I like doing that. Sometimes talking all the way. Sometimes just walking in silence side by side.
At her place she handed me 2 presents and just like that, it clicked.
Sometimes, it doesn't take much, if it comes from the heart…
People, meet my new Michael Sheen mug!!!
So, we basically bonded over Good Omens and as faith would have it, we are exactly Aziraphale (me) and Crowley (her) coded.
100%.
It makes me beyond happy, knowing that everytime I'll sip my coffee with my beloved Sheeny, on the other end of town she will sip her hot cocoa out of her corresponding new David Tennant mug.
Good Omens was not the only thing we found out to have in common.
The common ground sometimes is really breathtaking and we still regularly stumble over new things it contains.
So many things that we equally love. Books, movies, music, long walks, just sitting there in silence and taking in a beautiful view…
On the other hand, we are so different in so many aspects, but with the feeling of it rather complementing than dividing us.
She loves to chrochet, I can't even hammer a nail strait into a sponge.
Speaking of which, meet my 2nd gift: Audrey!!!!!!!!!
We watched "Little shop of Horrors" (the 1986 version with Rick Moranis) a few weeks ago. Both for the first time. Loved it.
I immediately fell for "Audrey", the flesh-eating alien plant. Didn't speak anything out loud, still it didn't go unnoticed…and, yes, it is hand-made!!!
*sigh*
"So, what am I trying to say here?"
Good qestion…
Life can be cruel.
Life will be hard at times.
It will make you cry, like, a lot.
Try to not go through all this alone.
Sometimes those that you least expect it from, turn out to become your anchor in the stormy sea or the lighthouse showing you the way.
Build your own little family of friends (even if its just one).
Hold them tight, once you found them.
Love them with all that's in you.
You will get it back ten fold.
To quote the great Neil Gaiman:
Why?
L🥰ve!
@uncleadelheid-will-eat-your-soul , thanks for being all that for me, little introverted geeky metal edgelord office girl, and thanks for enduring my annoying love for bad jokes and even worse puns…
P.S.:
Sorry btw for the storm, lighthouse, anchor metaphors with you hating all that's related to the dark blue sea…I still didn't edit them out…maybe we'll be getting there. At least I left out fishy fish…
🐟🐠🐡🦈🌊🦑
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One of my closest friends I aroace, and he's talked to me about the experience of being made to feel like he's missing out on something or getting left behind in a way when his loved ones enter romantic relationships. But it really hit home for me how much he deals with and expects this recently when I started dating someone new after being single for a few months and I wanted to share.
During the months I was single, we got a lot closer and we both relied on each other more to have our needs for love fulfilled. For example, we both have physical touch as a primary love language, so we did a lot of platonic physical affection and cuddling. We became main supports in each other's lives even more than before. But the day I told my friend about my new partner and my friend met him, he seemed to kind of instantly back off a bit. He and my partner get along really, really well too. He mentioned that he didnt expect my partner and I to make the hour drive to visit him as often because "it's not like the nature of y'alls relationship". I'm having difficulty explaining, but it was apparent that my friend expected to be taking a back seat to this new relationship in my life despite the fact that I know my friend way better and that broke my heart a bit. I immediately thought, how many times has he had to deal with that? How many beloved friends has he lost to this situation? That must be so horrible to go through! I still very much consider him one of my closest supports and while I know it would never be a necessary choice I would absolutely choose him over a partner I haven't had nearly as much time with. I really want to find a way to tell him that he isn't any less of a priority to me just because I'm not single anymore and I think it's important for us alloromantics to remind our aro and aroace friends of things like that. It's even more important to stick to that statement and show them we mean it.
My aroace friends, you deserve people in your life that prioritize you and engage in the kinds of intimacy you need. You deserve just as much closeness and love as anyone else and you will find it if thats what you want. You don't deserve being put on the back burner when your loved ones get into new romantic relationships and it's really shitty that so many people do that.
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I recently met up with one of my friends when I visited my dads hometown, but due to circumstances, we only had five minutes to catch up before I had to leave. As we said our goodbyes and I turned away to join my family, she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her. She held the banana leaf origami rose I had given her in one hand, mine tightly in the other. She looked intently into my eyes, and what she said next felt as if she had been hoarding her words in her chest for the last five months.
“Every minute I spend with you is a lifetime.”
I was so shocked by her poetry that I didn’t know how to respond. I hugged her, and I realized that this is what friendship is. It’s reconnecting with a friend who lives miles away and feeling that mutual love fire up once more, as if it had never left. In that moment, I understood how deep our connection to each other was. In the end, it was all about love.
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Othello: Act 5, Scene 2
I'm far from a Shakespeare expert, but I've read many (most?) of his plays and acted in three, so I'd like to think I know a few things just by virtue of trying to understand.
My favorite play of his is Othello.
Othello deals with themes of race, loyalty, and gullibility, but the one that is most important to me is the theme of female friendship.
Othello's wife is Desdemona, and Desdemona's best friend is Emilia. Emilia's husband, Iago, is a trusted member of Othello's circle. When Iago decides to convince Othello that Desdemona is cheating on him, Othello believes it and goes into a murderous rage. He smothers Desdemona with a pillow.
Emilia discovers her body and turns to see Othello's guilt.
Here's the important thing to understand: Emilia KNOWS what Othello did. Emilia can see that her best friend, her as-good-as-a-sister, is dead, and that the powerful man in front of her was the murderer. Othello is a decorated military leader, so this isn't just any twig of a man: he has hurt Emilia's friend, and it is endlessly evident that he could easily hurt Emilia as well.
What does Emilia do? She yells at him.
She goes on a TIRADE. I still get chills every time I read this scene, despite having read it several times before. Emilia looks at this active duty soldier, war veteran, and murderer, and her hurt and righteous fury are enough to overcome any fear she might have.
Othello, naturally, begins to threaten her, essentially saying "you'd better shut up, or something bad could happen..."
This is when Emilia says my favorite Shakespeare quotes, and one of my favorite quotes overall: "Thou hast not half that power to do me harm / as I have to be hurt".
Emilia sees her beloved friend's murderer, rips him a new one, and when threatened with violence, says "TRY ME! TRY ME, I CAN TAKE IT. I LOVE DESDEMONA, AND I CAN TAKE IT."
Emilia's love for her friend couldn't stop Desdemona's death. It couldn't stop her own death, as she dies a few pages later at the hand of her husband, Iago. But her love for her friend did finally reveal the truth to Othello, that Desdemona had been faithful, and produce one of the most badass quotes of all time.
May we all love our friends so much that the actions we take on their behalf changes the narrative, you know?
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the intimacy of playing with someones hands while talking.
the intimacy of rubbing someones back with your thumb when you hug them.
the intimacy of “are you hungry?”
the intimacy of knowing how their voice sounds when they are tired.
the intimacy of hugging while we cry.
the intimacy of making fun of each other in a gentle way, just to smile right after.
the intimacy of “i know who you are”
the intimacy of a hand caressing their back when they are in a stressful situation.
the intimacy of playing/tickling/messing with each other.
the intimacy of a look that tells everything.
the intimacy of cuddling.
frriendship.
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