#leave it to shannon to give you two (that i can think of) characters struggling with mental health and implied sh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

karatam · 2 years

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Read recently (August-September 2022)

The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang. A war orphan from a tiny village tests well enough in the national exams to be invited to the most important training facility in the empire, and discovers that the gods aren't really dead. An interesting first book in a trilogy, set in an alternate early 20th century China. Lots of tigger warnings for the violence/depravity of war (message me if you'd like to know more details). I have the sequel on hold at the library, though I'm not 100% sure I'll be reading it to be honest. I started off quite liking the characters, but by the end I was a bit 'meh'.

The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri. Oh I loved this. Set in a fantasy world based on India, a disgraced princess is jailed by her emperor brother at a cursed former temple, left to wither away. A servant girl (with magic) who survived the massacre at that same temple years ago is drafted into the princess' service. Together they'll bring down a empire. Finished it in two days, immediately bought the sequel. Love me some morally grey lesbians. Gay and great.

The Oleander Sword by Tasha Suri. This one hurt so good. Picks up a few months after the end of The Jasmine Throne, with our morally-grey lesbians still in power and still in love and still unable to be together due to politics and also magic. Malini is on her path to depose her brother and become empress, Priya is struggling to understand what her magic can really do and what it will cost. The old gods are coming back and they want their pound of flesh. Eagerly anticipating the final installment.

Red Sister by Mark Lawrence. I tore through this book in literally 24 hours because I just couldn't stop reading it. I then immediately went out and bought the next two in the trilogy bc my library didn't carry them. Holy shit this was awesome. A peasant girl is taken from the gallows to study as a novice in a convent that trains warriors, assassins, and witches (she's fairly young in this first novel, so not a lot of romance, but it's very obvious that a bunch of these nuns are gay as hell, including the main character). I'll just leave the first sentence of the book here: "It is important, when killing a nun, to ensure that you bring an army of sufficient size."

Grey Sister by Mark Lawrence. I started reading this literally 5 minutes after finishing the first one. Just found family feelings all over the place. A girl who thinks she's a monster and all the people who love her. Also lots of political intrigue and violence and dashing rescues and scheming and also gay nuns. Fantastic.

Bound by Mark Lawrence. This is a little short story set between books 2 and 3 and mainly consists of poor Nona's head exploding bc the two people she has crushes on go on an undercover mission together. Unexpectedly sweet for this series.

Holy Sister by Mark Lawrence. Reader, I cried. Takes the political intrigue of the first two books and dials it up a few notches. I love all these women so much, and the family they've forged together. Split between two timelines, one set directly after the end of the previous book with Nona and company scrambling to escape, the other set a few years later where war is looming and the moon is falling. Loved it.

A Master of Djinn by P. Djèli Clark. This book was so much fun to read. The world-building, the characters, the mytery, the romance, all so great. Set in an alternate Egypt 1912, a world where 40 years ago the barrier between worlds was broken and now djinn and other beings walk in our world. There's a gruesome murder and Agent Fatma is assigned to the case, where she'll have to deal with a new (unwanted) partner, an old romance, and a lot of secrecy. (Be sure to read the short story "A Dead Djinn in Cairo" first if you can. It's included in some copies of the book and gives some context, since it came first). Definitely hoping the author writes a sequel.

The Bone Season by Samantha Shannon. I picked this up because I loved Priory, but I didn't love this. I didn't really like any characters, the magic system was overly confusing and seemed inconsistent, and the romance felt.... icky to me. There are glimpses of what would make Shannon a better writer later, but this was slow and weirdly textbook-y at times when describing things. Won't be continuing the series.

The Dawnhounds by Sascha Stronach. This was super interesting. Set in a sort of post apocalyptic future where most of the old gods have died, a disgraced cop is murdered but doesn't die and instead wakes up with some unusual new powers. Queer and weird and touching and hopeful and inventive, I'm hoping for a sequel. (and if you're worried about the mc being a cop, the book does meditate on how policing is so often just about perpetuating injustice on those without power)

#jess reads stuff #jessreads

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lovecolibri · 2 years

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I read what you reposted about ff, and omg I'm not the only one!. I read a lot of buddie ff, i think people're very talented in this fandom, but jesus, in the last few months is nearly impossible to read something with firebarbie in it for no reason at all, sometimes she's there and ravi or chim or hen no! She helps buddie It's the same thing they did with taykay between the hiatus of 4a or 4b, the friend that knows more of them and push them together without even knowing them!

Yeah, now that I have figured out how to do a search through the fic on my phone, I will no longer be jump-scared by untagged L or tay kay (unless I forget to check multi-chapter fics in a "view the whole work" format and get hit with it in the last chapter because I only checked chapter 1 like a doofus), but it really is ridiculous the amount of people who throw L in when Maddie or Hen would have worked better. Or they have her as the “bi-bestie” helping Buck or Eddie through their sexuality crisis, or, which given that we literally got proof that Hen and Karen enjoy dancing at the club makes me especially salty, taking Buck or Eddie to a gay club to “help” them in their realizations.

I also find it particularly *hilarious* that in their single paragraph mentions they have to make sure people know they’re woke and don’t hate L, the “stop saying L took scenes from Ravi, her and Ravie are NOT interchangeable” crowd also always have them listed together. It’s always some form of “Ravi and L did/said/were at xyz”, neither allowed to do anything on their own, forever occupying the same space in the same sentences, because the show itself made them interchangeable because there wasn’t room for L to be around in the first place since Ravi was already in that “5th main crew member in the truck” slot! She takes Buck’s normal place in the diver call in fear-o-phobia, she takes Ravi’s “probie struggles on the job and needs a mentor” storyline from Dumb Luck making it all about her being MAD the woman lived instead of a storyline that made sense like Ravi being worried he wouldn’t be so lucky next time and how to make sure he’s ALWAYS that lucky, she took Chim’s spot on the reality TV show call leaving Buck to be the medic with Hen which makes no sense and instead of getting Chim’s delightful commentary since we know he is a TV/Movie buff, we got her bitching about marriage being a crap-shoot to two married people and Buck who just wants to build a life with someone, she’s literally just interchangeable with anyone because she’s an extra body they don’t need, but KR decided everyone else needed to make space for so they HAVE to take things from other characters just to give her something to do.

ANYWAY, sorry for the rant, it’s just who I am as a person 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve been sticking to reading fic from season 3, or aggressively screening for untagged characters (they do it with Shannon too, particularly when she’s being bestie co-parents with Eddie) and exiting the fic if needed. This show has so many great women in Buck and Eddie’s lives, that I think it’s ridiculous when tay kay or L are the ones used to bring them together. Also a fun note, you almost never see the same with Ana being besties and helping Buck and Eddie get together, and maybe people should think a little bit about why tay kay and L get treated differently. Because I can bet it has something to do with them being a) white, b) “girlbosses” and “badasses” (while Ana is a teacher with a soft voice who wears soft floral clothes and her ableist remarks fly more under the radar), and c) headcannoned as“bi-besties” before the show had them kissing on Buck.

#my sweet nonnie friends #911 #anti taylor kelly #anti lucy donato #not to defend ana or anything because she said some pretty gross stuff and i don't think she would be helping buddie get together either #but the fact that it almost never happens compare with the WEALTH of fic for L tay kay and even shannon helping buddie together?#it's pretty loud

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secretobsessionstuff · 3 years

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the one recent anon about gentle caretaking is so so right, can you actually write something with that as a prompt for micah and alexi? both holding by the waist while the sickee is sick in the sink AND then by the forehead when it gets too intense in front of the toilet again. no scat please

I love this prompt so much and I had so much writing it! I hope you love it!! Thank you to the other anon who got this prompt started ❤

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When Alexi went to bed at midnight, he was surprised to find the light on in the bedroom.

He had been looking forward to pulling Micah’s sleeping body closer to him as he himself fell asleep. Most nights he came to bed much later than Micah. It was their ritual. Alexi would wrap his arms around his boyfriend and fit himself perfectly into place. Half-awoken by the motion, Micah would make the cutest sound upon realizing that he was once again safe in the arms of someone who loved him.

Alexi was unusually eager for tonight’s ritual because he hardly saw his boyfriend all day. Micah was working on his manuscript non-stop to meet the upcoming deadline. The tight schedule meant that he needed to be alone. The boy was writing like he was running out of time…because he was. It was a particular exhausting stage in the process because his editor covered the document in red writing. As far as Micah was concerned, the red markups were nothing but blood—blood that marked the death of his favourite irrelevant scenes, the cleverest yet confusing lines, and the fun yet unnecessary side characters. Yes, killing your darlings is a taxing process that took all of Micah’s time and energy, and as Alexi would discover, his health.

There might as well have been an invisible Do Not Disturb sign on the bedroom door. The unyielding typing from inside the room also served as a reminder for Alexi that he couldn’t demand attention whenever he wanted it. He couldn’t just walk in and smother Micah in kisses until he did something with him. Now bedtime was Alexi’s only chance to be with Micah when he wasn’t distracted.

But the opening sentence still remains: the light was on in the bedroom.

Alexi stood confused on the other side of the door. This didn’t look like bedtime. Not hearing any typing from inside the room, he walked in to find that it looked a little bit more like bedtime. Micah was asleep, but at his desk. He wasn’t nicely tucked into bed. His head was resting on the desk next to his laptop. The screen was black.

“Micah? Alexi said quietly as he came over to his boyfriend. He clicked the space bar on the keyboard, making the screen come to life. So much red.

Micah never fully turned off the computer before falling asleep. His own sleep looked just as shallow as the computer’s. His back rose and fell sharply, and his breathing matched. He didn’t look restful at all.

“Micah, wake up, mon amour.” Alexi shook his boyfriend awake who shot up from the desk. Alexi was quick to grab hold of his shoulders. “Easy, you’re okay. You fell asleep while working.”

Micah squinted and put a hand up to the side of his head. His neck hurt from the awkward way in which he passed out. “What time is it?”

“Midnight…you never went to bed. Are you alright?” Alexi didn’t like the dazed look on his boyfriend’s face. His eyes were glassy and bloodshot, like they reflected what was on the computer screen.

“I wanted to finish the chapter,” Micah said while sinking back into the chair. His gaze sluggishly travelled to the screen. The late hour and the unfinished work made him groan and put his head in his hands. Like a slow-moving landslide, Micah dragged his hands down his face, rubbing his eyes deeply. It only irritated his already blotchy skin.

Alexi watched his over-worked boyfriend curiously. There was something romantic about a dishevelled writer. But this romanticized version did not belong on Micah. Alexi didn’t want a melancholic, candle-lit boyfriend who captured the essence of dark academia. He just wanted a boyfriend who slept well and who took care of himself.

The boy before him was not well. Alexi knew this even before touching Micah’s forehead. He knew it while he lightly traced his fingers over Micah’s cheek. He knew it for certain when he lifted Micah’s face with a hand under his chin. Micah’s laptop wasn’t the only thing overheating.

The boy’s eyelids drooped, forcing Alexi to crane his neck to make eye-contact. “Love, you need to go to bed. You’re burning up.”

“But I told Shannon I would have these chapters done by tonight.”

“Well Shannon is going to have to wait, isn’t she?” Alexi said as he grabbed Micah’s hands to help him up from the chair. Alexi quickly found himself supporting much of his weight as Micah’s head came crashing down onto Alexi’s chest. The boy let out a low moan. “I’ve got you. Are you still okay?”

“…’M dizzy.” Either Micah was having a stroke or was too tired to speak because the words came out in cursive. “…don’t feelgood.”

Micah proved his point (not that it needed more proof) by vomiting on the floor between their feet. The only reason he didn’t fall forward was that Alexi held onto his shoulders as he heaved.

“Oh gosh,” Alexi muttered under his breath. “Oh, you’re really sick, but that’s okay.” He said it so quietly that Micah wouldn’t even have heard it. He was telling himself that everything was okay.

Thankfully, Micah didn’t immediately heave up everything in his belly. The countless cups of coffee and handfuls of crackers were still nauseatingly churning in his gut. This gave him the chance to breathe and moan in pain.

He lifted his head slowly, making his tearful eyes look like pleading puppy-dog eyes. After wiping his mouth with his sleeve, he spoke with a voice so thickened by illness. “…my stomach hurts.”

Alexi allowed himself a second to feel broken-hearted by his boyfriend’s pain. Then that second was over, and he had to ease that pain just a little. “I would never have guessed it. Now, come on.”

The small intermission gave Alexi the chance to practically drag Micah to the bathroom. He could tell it wasn’t over by the way Micah kept a hand over his mouth. At least the toilet would be a better place to throw up than on the floor.

But Micah’s belly had other ideas. His sick and stubborn stomach couldn’t wait the two seconds that it would take to reach the toilet. As soon as Alexi got him to the bathroom, Micah made a sharp turn for the sink.

This round was much more productive than the last. A torrent of bitter black coffee and whatever other snacks Micah had for dinner filled the sink rather quick. Even the sight of it made Micah heave again.

As he continued to vomit, his vision blurred and blackened around the edges. Seeing the contents of his stomach was no longer the problem. The new problem was being unable to stand.

Alexi noticed the way his boyfriend leaned heavily on the counter and the way his legs wanted to give out. He switched from rubbing Micah’s back to holding him at the waist to keep him steady. It was oddly close to how he pulled Micah into his arms for their nightly ritual. This was not how he envision the night going.

“Don’t worry about holding yourself up, Micah,” Alexi said while spotting the white-knuckle grip that his boyfriend had on the edge of the sink. “I won’t let you go. I’m not leaving.”

Micah loosened his grip ever so slightly. He leaned back further against the body that kept him up.

After a few minutes of this, Alexi was startled by a change in sound. The heaving seemed to shift into choked sobs, each retch ending with a guttural moan. Eventually, Micah was left panting over the sink with saliva dripping from his lips. Actual sobs made his whole body shake. He tried not to look at himself in the mirror because he knew a dark-eyed stranger would stare back at him.

“Micah, are you…okay? Are you done?”

Micah shook his head to say no, shaking loose strings of bile that hung from his mouth. “I don’t want to do this anymore…I’m so tired, Lexi.”

Micah was tired. Tired of the stress he put upon himself. Tired of thinking that his worth came solely from his writing. He was tired of holding himself up when all he wanted was to let someone else carry the burden for a while. Alexi was so good to him. He carried the physical burden, that was Micah himself, so well. It was well past midnight now. Decades seemingly have gone by while Micah’s body broke down from the fatigue. Alexi knew that he was tired from heaving his guts up, but he was more than just physically tired. Unfortunately, Micah didn’t have the strength to tell him about the other kind. Fortunately he didn't have to.

“I know. I know, it’s exhausting.” Starting with his hands on Micah’s waist, Alexi gently trailed his fingers up the boy’s back. He felt as if there were a barrier between him and Micah. He couldn’t get as close as he wanted. All the gentle touches in the world couldn’t take away the pain. Still, Alexi didn’t take his hands away from his boyfriend, hoping that he was providing some comfort.

He also knew that touch was not the only way to offer comfort. “I know it’s exhausting to feel like you need to finish this project so that your life will have meaning. I see you everyday, working so hard to make your dreams come true. It’s tiring to do what you do. But you should know that taking a break does not mean that you’re giving up. You’re tired, I know, so sit down for a moment and lean on me.”

Micah listened. He exhaled slowly, letting the tension go from his shoulders. He let Alexi lower him to the ground, where they both sat in front of the toilet. Micah wanted to say so much, but…

He was breathing hard again. Alexi eased the pain in his mind, but the pain in his belly persisted. There was one last round before relief.

Micah’s head was heavy. Heavy with worries and pain. It was a struggle to hold his head up while another weak wave of watery vomit fell from his mouth.

Every muscle in his body wanted to betray him. His neck almost let go, but then something stopped his head from falling towards his chest. It was Alexi’s hand on his brow.

“Ugh…thank you,” Micah said breathlessly in between gags.

“I told you, I’m not leaving.” Alexi kept one hand on the boy’s forehead and the other on his back. “I’ve got you.”

And so, Micah’s stomach finally calmed down after his over-worked and under-fed body decided that was enough punishment for the mistreatment. An event like this certainly wouldn’t happen again because Alexi was going to make sure that Micah got enough sleep, and proper food, and down-time.

“Are you done?”

“Yes,” Micah said with a hint of a smile. He was already falling backwards into Alexi’s embrace.

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thewhitefluffyhat · 3 years

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Thoughts on Sotsu Ep 10

*clears throat* *taps my What is a witch? post from two weeks ago*

...As excited as I was about this week's episode, I barely have anything to say because I said it all there already! *facepalm*

Well, okay, maybe I do have a few things to ramble about for this week...

What's happening here?

I was watching this episode with a friend, and he liked the idea that this fight for control was piece!Satoko rebelling against her player. That witch!Satoko might be making a piece act against its nature, so the human Satoko was refusing.

Basically, a hard magic take on Umineko's players, pieces, and game board rules.

And... yeah, I can see that interpretation. The visuals sure made it look like the human Satoko was being possessed by her witch self! (Or like two Ciconia CPPs having an an argument, for that matter...)

But personally, I don't like that idea. I think it makes the character conflict less human and more absurd and fantastical. Rather than Satoko being a complex person who is struggling with her conscience and how she's changed so much she no longer recognizes herself... we'd get a story about evil body snatching witches erasing the poor, innocent Rikas/Satokos of the Fragments.

So I'm still firmly of the opinion that I had in Sotsu Episode 8 - what we're seeing here is an internal conflict played out via witch-y metaphor. Exactly as it happens to multiple characters in Umineko!

Is human!Satoko gone?

Even though she got shot here, I doubt we've seen the last of human!Satoko. There's too much of the anime left to introduce a development like this and end it all in the same episode. And the Satoko in Episode 16 and 17 of Nekodamashi sure looked and sounded a lot more like the tormented human self we see here....

So what does it mean that witch!Satoko shot her other self?

If you like the "piece Satoko rebels against her player" interpretation, it might be that the witch has to fight and subdue the original Satokos of each world to possess them. Though the human Satoko here knowing who Eua is and what in general is going on suggests against this idea.

But in the "internal conflict" interpretation, I think it's extremely similar to a certain Umineko character. [Major Umineko spoilers for the rest of the paragraph] Indeed, I almost opened this post with "In this episode, we see Sayo kill Shannon off, leaving behind only a witch to methodically carry out the remaining murders on the game board." We barely ever see Sayo in that state, stripped of their personas - it's really just stuff like Confession or reading between the lines that implies it - but to me, the chilling emptiness of Satoko during the credits just felt SO like that situation. [End spoilers]

And, of course, there's the whole argument beforehand, a witch fighting with a side of herself that believes in love and wants to stop the murders. Of course, the side of the character that wanted to stop lost the battle - or we wouldn't have a story now, would we?

Unfortunately for witch!Satoko, mortal things like "guns" or "brain damage" don't really matter in the Sea of Fragments, so it's not going to be quite that easy to make her guilty conscious shut up. Even 100 years couldn’t kill Rika’s heart either.

The fight in this episode sure makes for a dramatic visual of a character rejecting their past self, though. As usual, When They Cry loves to take its psychology and drama to bloody, violent extremes.

Opposites Yet Again

When Rika is at her lowest point, she becomes passive. She cynically gives up on her life and those of others. Fitting, then, that when her identity fractures, the witch!Rika goes so far as to give up on her very own name and identity. That's what happens in Saikoroshi - the looper Rika stops believing she can call herself Rika any more, and so she takes on the name "Bernkastel".

Meanwhile, as usual, Satoko's approach to the same situation is the direct opposite of Rika. Satoko (and Lambda's) whole thing is "certainty," so it makes a twisted kind of sense that she doubles down. Rather than giving up on being "Satoko", the witch becomes overbearingly (and foolishly) confident in her selfhood and her identity as the "real" Satoko.

And I suspect witch!Satoko will continue insisting as such - meaning this is also a very cheeky way to avoid saying Lambda's name - until something else forces her hand.

Though given that Eua not only seemed unsurprised, but actually quite pleased with this development... I wonder if we might still get a little more of those lore-tangling "what was Satoko before she was Satoko?" hints. Is witch!Satoko now acting more like whatever identity she used to have when Eua first met her?

(If Mitsuyo == Jestress's real name... then yeah, witch!Satoko sure does seem to share her "the ends justify the means" coldness and determination...)

A Review of Witch!Rika

Rika, at least for the moment, seems to have a better relationship with her witch side compared to Satoko. But even though her personas haven't started attacking each other (...yet), that doesn't mean her psyche hasn't fractured in a similarly painful way.

I consider "Furude Rika" and "Bernkastel" to be two personas of the same character. (To such a degree that I might be something of an outlier in the fandom, actually.)

And so does Rika herself. In fact, outside of spin-offs, we never really meet a true "Furude Rika." Every time we get "Rika's" narration - even in Saikoroshi - it's always the looper Rika. The witch Rika. Every time we see "Furude Rika" happily playing with her friends, it's an act and a mask that the witch is consciously wearing. She even admits this when it starts to slip!

The "Rika" we knew was already struggling with a division within herself.

[More major Umineko spoilers]

This, by the way, is what I meant during Gou by saying that Satoko fell in love with Bernkastel's "furniture." Whenever we see her, "Furude Rika" is an idealized "this is what people want me to be" act much like Shannon.

Meanwhile, "Bernkastel" seems to be more like Beatrice - the recipient of the pain Rika couldn't bear, and simultaneously the powerful, emotionally distanced witch. Although, given how much Bernkastel represents Rika at her most pessimistic and passive, it also seems like Rika may have shoved everything else she disliked about herself into that persona too - meaning it's somewhat reminiscent of Kanon as well.

(I’ve also long had a silly headcanon that while the full Rika is bisexual, she might have tried to stuff her lesbian/kinky desires into Bern... which may be why Umineko’s Bernkastel is Like That.)

[End spoilers]

That's why I still hold by my theory that Rika's behavior at St Lucia was likely caused by her witch side's existence. At St Lucia, Rika was intoxicated by finally being able to be "Furude Rika" while also incorporating the maturity and philosophical side of herself that had previously been confined to "Bernkastel." She was taking a healthier route to re-integrating the two sides of her personality, rather attempting to destroy one side as we see Satoko do here.

But will Rika be able to keep that up now that she's been forced back to Hinamizawa?

I talked a little about it during Gou, but Rika's theorized split from Bern in Saikoroshi never sat right with me. I didn't find it a satisfying conclusion, when all I knew of it were secondhand wiki explanations and theories. And even the full Saikoroshi arc didn't change my opinion.

The idea is supposed to be that Rika is putting aside her looper memories to more fully embrace her final timeline. A good thing.

But to me, it looked more like she was pushing her trauma into another persona and then suppressing it so she could live as only "Furude Rika." Denying that "Bernkastel" was part of her, rather than actually processing what she went through and how it changed her.

It seemed more like what we saw Satoko do in this episode - rejecting and denying the witch - just in a less flashy manner.

But if Saikoroshi didn’t separate Rika from Bernkastel, then what will? And will that be a good or a bad thing for her?

In Conclusion

But anyway, bringing this back to today's episode. Ironically, despite arguing this whole post about how much I don't consider the witch sides and the human sides of Rika and Satoko to be different people, I still fully expect both witches to end up as separate existences by the end of Sotsu.

(Because if not, then where do Lambda and Bern come from?)

I guess the main thing I'm trying to get across here is that I don't necessarily consider that separation an "everything's fixed, happy end!" deal.

Even after what we see in this episode, I don't see witch!Satoko as a wholly evil being that needs to be overcome and erased. I don't think Satoko insisting one half or the other isn't herself is a good thing, regardless of which side comes out on top.

If the only way for Satoko and Rika to live happy lives is to cut off a part of themselves... well. Perhaps that's why I've always sympathized with Bern and Lambda more than I maybe should.

#when they cry #higurashi #higurashi sotsu #houjou satoko #furude rika #tatariakashi #umineko #lambdadelta #bernkastel #beatrice #heart of beatrice #higurashi gou analysis #my ramblings #read more #as usual #all it takes to summon me from the depths of oblivion #is to say the word 'witch'#ahaha #my higurashi gou sotsu meguri thoughts

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gracieryder · 3 years

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This fandom has a very strange divide when it comes to Shannon Diaz.

I say strange because I don’t think you’re all as divided as you think you are. I think you’re coming from different places and completely missing each other. I might be wrong, but let me explain what I mean.

First, it’s possible to have multiple emotions and opinions about a character. You don’t have to despise a character completely or adore a character completely. And if you do either of those things, you should acknowledge when a character isn’t two-dimensional. Like, I love this character including their flaws. Or even, I love this character despite their flaws.

The issue with Shannon is that the diverging opinions seem to be coming from two different places. I say this because I personally have differing opinions regarding Shannon that align with both “sides” of this depending on how I’m looking at her.

There are opinions regarding Shannon’s character inside the narrative, and there are opinions regarding Shannon’s character outside the narrative. And those opinions clash.

I’m going to explain this as clearly as I can.

Inside the narrative, we’re talking about Shannon as though she’s a real person and we’re judging that character based on her actions.

The main thing people talk about, of course, is Shannon abandoning Eddie and more importantly Chris.

Then others point out that Eddie also left, but fans have been willing to forgive him. So why not Shannon? To which Side #1 points out that Eddie "redeemed” himself whereas Shannon did not. To which Side #2 points out that Shannon didn’t get the chance to redeem herself because she was hit by a car.

I tend to fall more in line with Side #1 on this though I understand where Side #2 is coming from. And there are two main reasons why. (Though again, please understand that Side #2 falls more in line with the outside narrative which I’ll address in a minute.)

One reason is because I feel like Side #2 is misrepresenting the differences between Shannon and Eddie as parents and what they “did”. And I’m not talking about Eddie being gone for work whereas Shannon just left. I’m intimately aware that money is no substitute for a person’s actual presence. My dad can help me out as much as he wants financially, and I know he loves me. But it will never compare to everything my mom has done for me emotionally by supporting me as a person and really getting to know and understand me.

When I say there’s a difference between Shannon’s form of “leaving” and Eddie’s form of “leaving”, I mean this. Shannon completely removed herself from her son’s life. She was gone. She didn’t even stay in contact as far as we know. Whereas Eddie may have run away physically, but he was still there in a way. He still communicated with both Shannon and Chris. He still went home to them on leave. I’m not defending what he did or saying that he was being the parent or husband he needed to be. I’m just saying that these two things are different. And I would honestly argue that one is more easy to “forgive” than the other, but that’s just my personal opinion.

Now. The second reason I tend to fall in line with Side #1 from inside the narrative is because Side #2 is kind of assuming that Shannon would have redeemed herself if given the chance and that she was worthy of that forgiveness.

They might be right, but they also might be wrong. First of all, loving your child does not excuse hurting them. And while Shannon did love Chris, she also caused him a large amount of emotional pain. So even if she did “redeem herself” as a parent, no one is obligated to forgive her for abandoning him. And it’s important to note that if Shannon were Chris’ father instead of his mother, people would probably be far less inclined to even give her a second chance. Much less think that trying to better herself and be a better parent meant people were obliged to forgive her and see her more favorably. It’d be more like “Oh. So now he wants to step up and be there.” Whereas for a mom it’s like “Oh, she was struggling so much. And she came back. And she loves her son. Etc.”

As a society, we tend to put moms on a pedestal and see dads as secondary. And it affects how we react to the things they do.

But also, even inside the narrative, there’s no guarantee that she actually would have stuck around for Chris. She completely abandoned him once, and she could do it again. And arguably, it would be easier to do the second time. Even if she loved Chris and didn’t want to hurt him. She loved him the first time too. Loving someone doesn’t mean you’re incapable of causing them pain. So this idea that Shannon would have redeemed herself is a hopeful one. Not a fact. And even if she did, no one is obligated to forgive her. There’s no scale where if she does enough good things, it magically erases the bad. Forgiveness is personal. You choose to forgive someone. People can’t buy it from you with their actions.

Now, let’s talk about outside the narrative.

This is where I more line up with Side #2.

When people say Shannon “deserved” a redemption arc and that what was done to her character was fucked up, it’s not a defense of her inside the narrative. At least in my understanding.

This is where you’re talking about Shannon from a creative standpoint. Where you’re stepping back from the story and viewing her as a character.

Let me explain.

While you may not like Shannon as a person, creatively she was a well-developed character. She was complex and had a variety of motives. She had an actual background that we got to see bits of in Eddie Begins. She was built into someone important who could have played a very interesting role in the story.

Instead, they basically fridged her. They said “Eh. I don’t feel like dealing with this character and all the complexities they add to the story, so let’s just kill her off.” And they did. They turned an interesting and multi-faceted character into a plot device and used her death to focus on Eddie. The woman died, and her death became all about Eddie. (And Chris, but the man pain was the main focus. Let’s be real.)

It was sloppy and weak writing, and I would argue that yes. Shannon’s character deserved to be handled better. Not because she was a great person, but because she was a good character. Not to mention the fact that it’s also a bit misogynistic because this sort of nonsense is almost always geared at female characters. Not the male ones.

(If you watch Lone Star, they pulled some similar nonsense with Charles Vega. And I was pissed. And so was a lot of the fandom. Tommy got an entire episode devoted to her coming to terms with his death, but I’ll be interested to see if they drag her grief out for an entire season like they did for Eddie. If her pain has the same level of focus his did. Because if they skip to her moving on, I will burst into ugly laughter. Especially when unlike with Eddie and Shannon, Tommy and Charles had a very loving and well-founded relationship that was going strong. So, the idea that Eddie would be more consumed by grief over Shannon than Tommy would be over Charles would have me side-eying the screen a bit. Even though I know grief is a very personal process. But I’m getting sidetracked. Back to Shannon.)

I’m not saying Shannon’s character should have been handled better in that she deserved to redeem herself and be forgiven and be a mom to Chris and yadda yadda. That’s all inside the narrative.

I’m saying that as a character, it would have been better to follow her. Not run her over with a car. Even if she had that “redemption arc”, it would be a more compelling story for her to fail. For her to try and redeem herself and then get “overwhelmed” by parenthood and make more mistakes. And if she didn’t continue to fail, there could have been the focus on divorce and how that affects families and children. How she and Eddie navigate their issues with one another to continue parenting Chris.

Instead, no. They killed her. It was lazy and irritating writing.

So, that’s what I mean when I say I don’t think you’re all as divided as you might believe.

Because honestly, I think most of you have a more complex view of her that lines up with this in a lot of ways, but it’s not something people have time to really explain. So, it comes out as “Ugh. I don’t like Shannon,” which rubs some people wrong who are viewing her as a character. Or it comes out as “Ugh. Shannon deserved better,” which rubs other people wrong who are viewing her as a person and parent.

This is just what I’m seeing and taking away from everything, and I hope it helps clear things up for some of you. Or gives you a better understanding of where the other side might be coming from. ❤️

I don’t claim to speak for the entire fandom. It’s just eyebrow-raising to me. Because I hold both opinions, so I don’t really get why there’s a big debate.

#and there i go word vomiting on tumblr again #lol!#in this essay i will #shannon diaz #911 discourse #long post #mist speaks

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reachgirl · 3 years

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On Buddie and them potentially being aware of their feelings

So we definitely see evidence of how Eddie might feel about Buck, how he clearly loves and trusts him. He absolutely relies on Buck a lot as someone who loves Christopher, as that person you go to who cares about your kid as much as you do. And he clearly doesn’t handle not having Buck around very well during the storyline that must not be named.

He also looks at Buck like “you’re lucky you’re pretty”, a LOT. And he’s shown to think about Buck’s wellbeing and Buck’s feelings. For a guy who’s not usually great at ~the talking~, he seems to sense that Buck needs to hear him actually *say* things like that he trusts him, out loud. For Buck, someone who’s been told that he’s reckless and impulsive, not diligent, not reliable (and to be fair to Bobby, has been all those things at times, but is desperate to change that view of himself), to be told that he’s trusted - more than anyone else - with someone’s kid? That’s huge. And Eddie knew that he needed to hear that, he also knew that he needed to feel like part of something when Buck was depressed and hanging around at home after the truck bombing. And Eddie was the one who noticed Buck wasn’t around at the station. For Eddie, the fact that they “have each other’s backs” is so important, because, and it’s insane how this is not wishful thinking on the fandom’s part, he actually tells Shannon that she doesn’t have his back. So yeah, absolutely nobody is disputing that Eddie loves Buck.

And I’ve talked about how I believe that Eddie might be bi leaning towards more into men than women (his “not my type” and aunt pepa’s reaction to buck are the foundation for this theory), and his particular combination of upbringing, experience and location really messing with him admitting that to himself (Conservative religious culture, Texas, army, getting married young because of outside expectations). But many of the scenes we get from him could - FROM THE OUTSIDE - very well just show a guy who has a lot of love and respect (and occasionally some fond exasperation) for his best friend. Possibly more, but not in that active, pining way. Not like he’s truly aware of it, yet.

But Buck? He pretty much always looks at Eddie like he’s the best thing that has happened to him, ever, and he can’t believe his luck of getting to be around this man. The smile he constantly gives him, and - in seasons 2 and 3 - only him, is the actual “I want to sleep with you smile” from season 1 Buck. I don’t make the rules.

He constantly finds ways to help him out, reads up on things he knows Eddie is interested in or things that are for some reason something Eddie is dealing with (whether it’s baseball biographies or summer camp brochures), and absolutely always looks to him for approval anytime he does something well or remotely badass. Or even when he makes a joke. It’s almost like 95% of the stuff he does, he does so that Eddie will see.

He sees himself as part of Eddie’s family to the point of not feeling like he’s a guest at their house, he has proven he would actually die for Chris, and he spends much of his free time finding ways of making Chris, the most important person in Eddie’s life, happy. He shares in both the happy and the difficult parts of raising Chris, he gets involved in school problems, and he’s there for Eddie to talk through all the little things that come up when you’re a parent. Often times, with single parents, when the other parent isn’t around, the problem is that there’s nobody else in your life who shares the same love and enthusiasm or worry you have for your child. You could talk about everything relating to them for hours, but even the best meaning friends will at some point reach the limit of how interested they are. Not so with Buck.

But unlike Eddie, Buck is also aware, to a point, of how much he’s focused on Eddie. Where Eddie’s jealousy comes across as more spur-of-the-moment, not something he’s even aware of, Buck seems like.. he’s thought about how he feels about Eddie. Others definitely have. Maddie’s comment about his “man crush” aside, even a random christmas elf (long may she live) comments on it. Hen and Karen immediately agree Buck would invite Eddie, like, Karen knows about this even. Their reaction when Buck is acting irrational over how they might get Eddie out when he’s buried alive and most likely dead already is that reaction of “Oh fuck, this will break this person” that is usually reserved for the significant other or parent. Bobby definitely reacts to Buck in relation to Eddie the way a father would, carefully weighing being amused at how obvious he’s being, and concern over not wanting him to get hurt doing something stupid trying to save Eddie, or by falling for him when it might not be reciprocated. They all know that Buck’s a little (more than) smitten with Eddie. And Buck... of course he’s going to notice how his friends and family react. I think he’s been aware of it for a while and is constantly trying to navigate and balance this.

Of course he hasn’t told his face about balancing anything at all yet, because look at that man’s face any time he looks at Eddie, look at that scene with the medal. He absolutely can’t help it. And sometimes it’s like he wants them to pick up on it - for example, pushing Maddie on the fact that he doesn’t consider himself a guest. And that’s completely understandable, sometimes you want people to pick up on something and maybe even comment on it (because their reaction reaffirms to you that maybe you’re not crazy) while also not wanting attention on that point. People are complicated like that. And Buck may be a himbo, but he’s complicated AF.

We get Buck being really weird about Eddie and Shannon in general - right off the bat. When Shannon shows up at the station and she and Eddie talk, Buck’s in the background and overhears that they’re sleeping together. He clearly struggles with this information, (and Chim possibly notices..) then he get’s real petty about them potentially getting married again (”Maybe you can get a discount”) - and he nopes out of the situation as quickly as he can - because he doesn’t want to risk saying anything snarky.

Then Chim and Buck go christmas tree shopping, and Chim comments on how Buck can’t let Eddie’s situation with Shannon go, and it’s true, he can’t stop himself. But when Eddie asks him for advice in front of the fountain (/metaphorical water penis as I like to call it), he’s suddenly all “I didn’t think it was my business” ... ok, sure, Buck. Then he basically tells Eddie to try and make it work with Shannon. In terms of character development, in a romance, this is the part where person A wants to be with person B but doesn’t think they have a chance, so makes the choice to try and settle for being their friend, which, heartbreakingly, involves pushing them into the arms of someone else.

Also, his kind of “oversharing” of Eddie’s situation with Ana to the rest of the team is, to me, a pretty clear indicator that the topic makes him uncomfortable and he’s trying a Ross Geller-I’m making Fajitas- “let’s show everyone how very completely normal I feel about this” approach, which.. it doesn’t.. work that well. And when does this ever work, it’s super easy to see through this, and it usually just serves to draw more attention to the fact that you’re uncomfortable with whatever is being discussed.

Buck also takes everything Eddie says to heart. Like, fucking takes it and will not let go of it. Half a season after Eddie tells him that he makes everything about himself, he breaks down telling Maddie he’s worried he’s making the situation with the old firefighter about himself again. During the kitchen scene (or “The actual how-to-guide of what to do when you thought the guy you have a crush on doesn’t reciprocate but then you have a fight and he really doesn’t handle being away from you so well so you kind of might as well see where being a little more openly flirty will get you”), Buck’s clearly thought about Eddie’s words from the grocery store fight, and he’s gonna call Eddie out. And maybe do other stuff.

Looking at what the writers are actually doing, to end the season, there’s the clawing at dirt of it all, Buck falling apart when Eddie’s buried alive. Buck being in almost all of Eddie’s memories when he’s close to dying. And Maddie’s comment about not wanting to set Josh up with Buck, which is innocent enough, but why throw that in on top of all of the above, if not because maybe what we’re actually looking at is that they’re setting up a sexuality crisis for Buck, and him realizing he’s maybe into Eddie, but Eddie not actually reciprocating (yet)? And say Buck is then somehow forcefully pushed to see the truth about how he feels, maybe by, i don’t know, coming across TK and/or Carlos on a call, and one of them asking him how long him and Eddie have been together? We might get Eddie with Ana, and a very long, drawn out process of Buck realizing what’s happening and trying to leave them alone, and Eddie being really confused about why Buck’s being like that. Then we would have two options (well, more, really, but these are two I like): 1) Eddie pushing Buck on that point and demanding an explanation and Buck just coming out with it because fuck it and sorry and please let me see Chris still 2) Buck’s sexuality crisis (or not crisis, if he’s always been pan/bi, which, look, nothing I’ve seen has disproven this theory) leading to him dating a guy and Eddie getting really jealous but not actually being aware of the fact what he feels is jealousy (because he doesn’t realize how he feels about Buck, see this whole essay you just read), and Buck being the one who confronts Eddie about why he’s being such a homophobic asshole about this, and Eddie straight up kissing him because he can’t not anymore.

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macbetha · 3 years

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below the cut, you'll find an interest check chapter for quatervois, a nancy drew pc fic. it's francy and also my idea of my absolute dream game. please let me know what you think and enjoy!

+++

After Ned breaks up with her and she loses her father, Nancy struggles to find her old vigor for detective work. While on vacation in London with Bess and George, Nancy accepts the urgent invitation to return Blackmoor Manor. Her English getaway quickly turns into an investigation once Nancy realizes the true reason Nigel Mookergee asked her back to the moors. Finding Deirdre Shannon at the manor under the same pretense only sets Nancy’s nerves further on edge. It isn’t until the Hardy Boys show up in Blackmoor that Nancy gets a glimpse of who she once was. With a manor full of suspects and a glass heart cracked open, Nancy is determined to find the truth.

Dear Ned,

How are you? It’s been a while. I’ve always started off my letters telling you about my latest case, but I’m not on one right now. I’m sure that’s hard to believe. Bess and George have whisked me away to London. I’m sure you would love it here. This is the first time I’ve seen Bess and George since I sold the house in River Heights. I stayed with Kyler and Matt in Ireland for a while. I needed a change of scenery. Their daughter just turned two. I’m somewhat jealous I’m happy for them. Anyways, I miss you I hope you’re doing well. I’m sure New York is lovely at Christmas time. I hope Stephanie is I wish Stephanie well How is Stephanie? I hope Stephanie is doing all right. I appreciated the card Stephanie sent when dad passed away. Warm regards, Merry Christmas, Love Nancy

She stares down at the letter as if the red ink were her own blood. It feels just as wounding, seeing her emotions made physical in the words on the paper. Only when a tear splatters on the page does she break free from her trance to the past. Nancy is the only person in her hotel suite, yet she works to rid the evidence like one of her own suspects. She pulls her feet up in the desk chair and crosses her ankles, holding the arch of her right foot – it recently became the victim of her latest culprit. Nancy’s foot got caught under the getaway car’s tire, and she is lucky to even be able to walk after the event. Months later, it’s stiff as hell with the most intense cramps she’s ever endured. Heart racing to forget the night it happened, she focuses on the snowfall out the window – counting little sparkles of snowflakes, though the world blurs when she squints. The doctor thought her failing sight as well as the daily headaches were on account of being hit in the head so many times.

She busies herself with choosing a postcard to send Hannah and Nancy selects one with a cat dressed up as a royal guard. The cuteness puts a smile on her face, however small – she hopes it’ll do the same for Hannah, but there is no telling. Nancy had the gut-feeling Hannah was lying about recognizing her the last time Nancy visited the nursing home. Torment swirls like wind to fallen leaves. She doesn’t have Hannah or Togo to come home to. Togo passed just before Nancy’s thirty-second birthday, and Carson fell ill soon after that. Nancy looks to her hotel bed where Mr. Woogle Woggle sits tucked between two pillows. It seems he is the only one that hasn’t left her. A knock on her hotel door reminds her that is simply not true. Nancy rights herself, fixing her posture to the stance of someone passionate, and she opens the door. Bess and George greet her with blazing smiles; Nancy gives silent thanks for their presence in her life. She would still be in Scotland with Kyler and Matt, had Bess and George not insisted to take her on a vacation. Nancy imagines that their insistence was due to them wanting to keep Nancy from spending Christmas alone on the road again like last year. “Nancy,” Bess stresses. “You’re never going to guess who we ran into in the lobby!” Horror strikes dull and loud in her ears. Surely, it’s not Ned. Please, don’t let it be Ned. George says, “Give you a hint: they were involved in one of your cases.” Nancy’s despair leaves her throat tight. She glances down the hallway, preparing to yank Bess and George into her room and dial her Cathedral contact to get them set up in witness protection.

“That didn’t narrow it down at all, George,” Bess says with a roll of her eyes. “Nancy’s been on hundreds of cases.” Nancy’s strain creeps into her one word: “Who?” Bess and George beam. “Maya Nguyn!” ++

Nancy follows Bess and George to the elevator in a hurried stupor. No thoughts can she conjure as she steps free from the elevator walls which seem to close in on her; Nancy marches into the lobby and notices a woman in the crowd of tourists. She stands with her back to Nancy, her hair drawn up in a bun, and her chin is lifted high with no time for games. Maya turns around and her bright red mouth stretches into a smile. “Nancy!” “Maya,” Nancy huffs in disbelief. She tenses in Maya’s sudden embrace before all but falling into it. This is something good I did; Nancy cherishes with shut eyes. This is someone I helped. When Maya pulls back, Nancy says, “What are you doing all the way out here? You said in your last letter, you were still in Washington.” “My house is technically there,” Maya nods. “But I get to work on the road more these days.” Her brows crease over a sympathetic smile. “Bess and George tell me you’re kind of in the same boat.” Nancy shrugs, struggling to hold Maya’s concerned gaze. “It’s just easier,” Nancy lies. Maya seems to see right through it, but she doesn’t speak on it. Nancy will have to thank her later. George says, “Maya offered us free tickets to a play she’s reviewing tonight and get this – it’s at the Globe Theater!” “Remind me what’s so special about a globe theater,” Bess sighs, checking her nails. “Not ‘a’, Bess, the.” George shakes her head. “The Globe Theater – well, technically it’s a reconstruction of the first one, but it’s where Shakespeare wrote his plays.” “It’s the opening night of a new play,” Maya explains. “And Nancy, you’ll never guess who the star is.” Nancy cannot take anymore guessing games. “Brady Armstrong.” Maya blinks. “Well – yes, actually.” Nancy frowns. “Wait, really?” “Yes,” Maya laughs. “I’ll be conducting an interview with him after the show if you want to go backstage and chew him out for all the stunts he pulled back in the day.” A spark of vigor heightens Nancy’s senses. That doesn’t sound bad at all. Still – “Are you sure we won’t be a distraction or –” “Nancy.” Maya’s hand falls on her shoulder. “You saved my life. You’re the furthest thing from a distraction.” Gratitude floods her before Nancy nods. “All right, then.” +++ The walk to the Globe would be depressive what with the sky being the color of a soaked napkin, but the Christmas decorations lift everyone’s spirits. Nancy limps by a shop playing Christmas oldies through the open door and she is borne back to her father listening to records over cocoa on Christmas morning. She tries to push the memory from her mind, then she thinks of building snowmen with Ned and having snowball fights that turned into the sweetest kisses she’s ever received. The music won’t stop. There are three Christmas trees in the display window and their flashing lights strike pain behind Nancy’s eyes. She pants through a sensory overload before someone squeezes her hand. Maya smiles in understanding as Bess and George walk obliviously in front of them. “It’s hard,” Maya says. “This life on the road. You pick up a few habits.” Nancy squeezes her hand in thanks before tucking her own in her peacoat’s pocket. “I want to enjoy this,” she admits quietly. “But I think the holidays are always hard.” Maya nods. “It won’t be this way forever, Nancy,” she promises. “I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.” Cross your fingers, there’s a story behind this door! Nancy swallows around the lump of panic in her throat. She plasters on a smile. +++ The theater is packed with noise and touching and all-around boisterous patrons. They find their seats in the crowd and Nancy doesn’t watch where she’s going – she must keep her eyes on the open ceiling to remember how to breathe. She sits down at the end of the group and Maya passes out programs. Quatervois, the title reads. Bess says, “What does that mean?” “It means you’re at a crossroads,” Maya says. “A turning point.” “Sounds a little dramatic,” George grumbles. Nancy traces the swooping lines of the title with

her thumb, repeating the process until the lights go down. The masked chorus emerges from the shadows and gives a synopsis: Down from Olympus a great hero emerges, Mighty in his strength and courage! A choice he must make Shall he ignore fate? Will he choose love, Or follow his destiny there-of? When Brady saunters on stage in an impossibly short silk chiton, it’s an out-of-body experience for Nancy. He still hasn’t grown his ponytail back, so Simone could very well be in the audience right now. Nancy rubs her aching temple at the thought. Brady begins his journey as the character Diogenes, a demigod that was supposedly – according to the play’s plot – written out of ancient Greek mythos. Diogenes must defeat those who want to leave him forgotten in history, lest he admit that he can’t win this fight and live his life like everyone else. Nancy assumes the play’s ending too soon. She imagines this will be a droll experience written only to paint Brady as a glorious hero that can conquer anything – but she is quickly surprised. Brady is stabbed in the final act and addresses the audience in a wail: And so my story ends a breath too early, No time to even be weary! The moon shall pass over my corpse, And the sun will beat down on my ashes with no remorse. Today, I have failed my quartervois Alone, forgotten, and lost. When the curtain falls, Nancy’s mouth is parted in disbelief as a tear burns down her cheek. They don’t receive a proper goodbye with Maya since the rest of the crowd is bustling toward the exit. She does have time to say that Brady is producing a new television series and will be scouting some locations further into Essex; Maya will be following the film crew there for test shoots. She embraces each girl individually and holds Nancy for a beat longer, whispering, “You’ll call if you need to talk?” “Of course,” Nancy says by impulse. “Same to you.” +++ Nancy is proud of herself for going out, but when she closes the door to her hotel suite, her back thunks against the wall and she must take deep breaths for several minutes. She decides to treat herself to a bubble bath even though it’s nearly midnight. She rolls her hair up into a bun and looks at it in the mirror, how haphazard and messy hers is in comparison to Maya. Nancy isn’t jealous – but she can’t help but notice when people are thriving. She wants to figure out how to do it herself and hasn’t found the cure yet. The bath is claw-footed and deep. Nancy sinks into the steaming water before goosebumps rise on her arms, and her freckled skin blushes in the heat. The water does wonders for her foot. She eases her head back on the lip of the tub and nears a light doze when her cell phone rings. It rests atop a stack of towels by the tub. Nancy wipes her damp hand off before looking to the screen. Frank Hardy. Nancy answers and taps the speaker button to relax back in the tub. “Hey.” “Hi, Nance,” Frank says, his voice a familiar balm after such a stressful time. “What’s going on?” “Things aren’t too different from last week’s call,” Nancy smiles. “But I’m on vacation with Bess and George.” “Oh wow! That’s awesome. I hope it’s been fun.” Nancy’s glazed eyes blink. “Yeah,” she rasps. “It’s nice.” She clears her throat, searching for her old enthusiasm. “But what about you? How’s Joe?” “Same as usual, a pain in my ass.” Nancy chuckles before a distinctive lift raises Frank’s voice. “We’re actually getting ready to get on a plane for a case – but I wanted to make sure everything’s good with you.” Nancy’s hand closes in a fist on her raised knee. “Gosh, it’s been so long since I’ve been on a case.” “Not really. You just took a few months off to stay with Kyler, right?” “Yeah, but that’s the longest I’ve ever gone without a case since I started.” “I’d give you ours if I could,” Frank says. “Really not looking forward to such a long plane ride. Oh, they’re calling for our gate – but do you want me call you when I land?” Gratefulness is a warm glow in her heart. “No, that’s okay – but

thank you. Be safe on your trip and tell Joe I said hi.” “Can do.” Frank pauses. “I – tell Bess and George I said hi.” “Can do,” Nancy repeats. She chews her lip. “See you soon?” She feels foolish for saying something when Frank is headed to a case. While the weekly phone calls have kept Nancy sane, it would be even better to see the Hardy Boys. “I’ll make it happen,” Frank promises. “See you, Nance.” After they hang up, Nancy struggles to get out of the tub with her swollen foot. She gets into a pair of sweats and wraps up some ice in a washcloth, then holds it against her foot. Nancy mulls over her conversation with Frank, wondering how much of her poor mood could be due to not solving a mystery. With a deep yawn, she tosses the soaked washcloth in the wastebasket, not able to walk to the bathroom to put it in the sink. She cuddles up to her teddy bear and flicks the lamp off when her phone rocks to life on the nightstand. Bewildered, Nancy turns the lamp back on to look at the screen. The number is unknown; she sees her hand tremble around the phone. She lets the call go to voicemail before the phone vibrates to life once again. Bracing herself, Nancy answers. “Hello?” “Yes, hello – I’m trying to reach a one Nancy Drew?” The voice is British and eerily familiar, like Nancy heard it in a dream. “This is she.” “Splendid! Oh, you wouldn’t believe the trouble I’ve gone to in order to find your number.” “Sorry? Who is this?” “Why, Nigel Mookergee. We met at –” “Blackmoor,” Nancy whispers. “Nigel, hi. What’s going on?” “I’m afraid the manner of my call is not a jovial one,” he says. “How should I explain this? Well, I suppose from the start. You see –” He sighs. “Don’t tell anyone I’m speaking of this, but the Penvellyns have fallen into a bit of… financial trouble.” Nancy says, “’Financial trouble’?” “It’s certainly not my business to spread, but yes. It’s not that they are a poor family by any means, but one diplomat’s salary is not enough to keep up a castle.” Nancy sits up, grabbing a pen and notepad from her bedside table. She jots as Nigel continues. “The Penvellyns began to host historical tours at the manor – much to Mrs. Drake’s dismay, I might add. Jane wishes to expand the business to the paranormal side of things, and I don’t quite agree with the idea myself, but she insists it’s just what the manor needs.” Nancy finishes scrawling and says, “So, you’re working for the Penvellyns now?” “Yes. I’m afraid there’s been some situations – inconsequential events, if you will – that need a glance over.” Nancy arches a brow. “You mean an investigation.” “Ah, such a serious word. I simply want to make sure we are fully prepared to expand the business.” Nancy’s eyes narrow. “Right. When would you need me there?” “As soon as possible -” Nigel catches himself. “I mean, at your earliest convenience.” Nancy glances over her notes, running her hand over the page filled by red ink. She closes her eyes against the sight and says, “I’ll be there tomorrow.”

thank you so much for reading! please let me know what you think and stay safe. and please consider following me here and on twitter! xoxo

#nancy drew #nd #nancy drew pc #nd pc #CUR #clue crew #blackmoor manor #curse of blackmoor manor #francy #frank hardy #nancy drew fanfiction

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saltisnacks · 2 years

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Prompt #2 is below - Chris's only clear memories of Shannon before she died are Christmas and their time at the beach. Another idea of what caused his outburst.

Rated T+ for language. Major character injury. Disassociation. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Get Chris and Eddie (and Buck!) into therapy in 5b, istg!

Buddie prompt #1

During a call Buck is accidentally sprayed by blood. He starts yelling for Eddie. The patient starts coding and Buck goes catatonic before collapsing.

Unbeknownst to the crew someone in the crowd recorded the entire incident and is making fun of Buck for "losing it."

May finds the video while on shift at dispatch. She sits Eddie down, and shows him after warning him it's bad.

Bobby unexpectedly breaks and unleashes on Eddie as soon as he walks through the bay doors.

He knows Eddie hasn't responded to any of Buck's texts or calls. That Eddie knows about Buck's abandonment issues and still did the same thing. He brings up how Eddie has refused to deal with his (and Buck's) traumas.

He mentions how Harry is in therapy. How Chris was in therapy after the tsunami. He mentions Maddie's PPD. Hen's therapy after the ambulance accident.

The shooting and well collapse were freak accidents that were beyond anyone's control.

"We know you faked your way through therapy with Frank after the shooting. He almost didn't let you come back! I had to talk Chief Alonzo into letting you. Maybe I shouldn't have!"

"We all saw you struggling. We thought you'd eventually talk to Buck about everything. You know, supposedly your best friend? Who had a front row seat to you being shot?! But you kept it in. And he didn't want to force you because he didn't want to, and I quote, "Make it about him and be exhausting!" Remember that?!"

"I told you to didn't have to lose everything before you allow yourself to feel something! Fat good that advice did. You still blame yourself for everything with Shannon. Don't say you don't. You think you failed your kid again. But who have you really failed the most? Yourself!"

"You don't blame Buck for the tsunami, so why are you blaming yourself for all of this?" You were a firefighter! You know people can be injured or die at any time. Shannon was hit by a car! Mudslides. Earthquakes. Stupid stunts. Car crashes."

"You were the final straw! You pulled Christopher and yourself away from Buck and he's been trying trying to understand why you left. At least Hen, Ravi, and I were trying to help him. Taylor tried before she washed her hands of it all and walked away, too! Hear that? She left him, too!"

"I didn't-I didn't know."

"And why is that, Eddie?! The person he needed most was you! He needed you! You! Buck would bend over backward and stand on his head for you or Chris. He'd give you his last heartbeat just to keep yours going! You let him flounder while you drowned instead of supporting each other. You think he wouldn't have been there for Chris after his outburst about you dying?"

"Did you know Chris called Buck? I'm surprised Carla hasn't snapped at you about it. He didn't want you to quit! He was in tears crying to Buck saying it was all his fault. That he misses Buck, and he caused all this. He blames himself because of what he said."

"That kid is old enough to understand death, and you should have talked to him about it. Instead, let me guess. You used Chris to escape. You both need help. All three of you do!"

"Sue called me. We talked. You're on paid leave starting today until you see a therapist and actually talk about everything. HIPPA safe limited information documented, signed off, proof. No exceptions. We can't have a compromised first responder. You have two weeks to find a solution before you're terminated. And while you're at it, maybe ask why you can't admit to yourself you're in love with Buck."

Hen barely catches Eddie after Bobby storms away.

---

"Where's Buck, Hen?"

"In the hospital."

"What?!"

"Everything... The memories after the blood hit him and you not being there. You weren't there to reassure him, Eddie. He couldn't see you. He couldn't find you. Everything... We thought maybe he was having a heart attack from another blood clot. He had all the symptoms, but he was just... Not there to talk to us. He went blank, Eddie. It was scary to see. So we thought maybe it was a panic attack with disassociation. But..."

"Hen."

"It was so bad, he slipped into arrhythmia. We thought we were going to have to shock him on the way to the hospital. They ran tests as soon as they could. His heart... Takotsubo syndrome."

"Bro-broken hearted syndrome?"

---

Eddie breaks down as soon as he sees Buck. "I'm a fool. I didn't listen to Bobby or Frank. I kept it all in again and ended up hurting everyone. Chris. You. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

---

Eddie doesn't expect Chris to starts struggling and flailing at him as soon as he gets home.

"Buck's heart broke! Because of us!"

"You know."

"They couldn't talk to you or Maddie so they called Carla! She gave them permission to make him sleep."

"I'm on Buck's emergency contact list ahead of Bobby in case he's on shift. You, Maddie, me, Bobby, Athena, then Hen are all on his paperwork in that order."

"I'm sorry, Chris. I need to fix this. I never meant for any of this to happen."

---

"I just missed mom. She died before another Christmas together."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know how. Like after the tsunami. I'm scared you will, too. Not just from being a firefighter. Mom wasn't. My friend at school's dad died from cancer. Mrs. Phillips was out for a month because her husband died in a car wreck. You almost died after you were shot, but you didn't talk about it. You fell over at the store."

(conversation can blend from parts of prompt two about Chris's only real memories with Shannon are Christmas and the beach.)

Eddie talks to Chris about family and individual counseling. He finally talks to Chris about his will.

---

"I'm sorry, Eddie, I shouldn't have snapped like I did. On the other hand, I'm not."

"I know, Bobby. I needed the ass kick, and you delivered it. If you hadn't, Carla was about to if she saw Chris break down again. She chewed me out too last night. Chris is demanding to see Buck. If I... I miss it. Despite everything, I miss being out there."

"When the time comes, if you decide and get an official release, you're welcome to come back. For now, Sue says as long as you're getting therapy you can stay at dispatch."

"How? I quit."

"I've talked to Chief Alonzo. He understands. You will have to meet with him directly before returning to duty. Official orders straight from his mouth. Just to talk and make sure your head is on straight this time."

----------

Prompt #2

Chris tricks a classmate's mom into dropping him off at Buck's after a sleepover because he hasn't seen him since Eddie quit.

Buck tries to call Eddie, despite Chris begging him not to, but Eddie is asleep due to emotional and physical exhaustion from overthinking and stress.

His actions are starting to catch up with him in various ways. Chris's continued outbursts, now focused on his new job as a mechanic at a dealership.

"Career day is next week. You're dad's a firefighter. Do you think he can bring the big truck?"

"My dad quit. He's a mechanic now."

"Oh. My dad's cousin is a mechanic. He dropped out of doctor school. Dad calls him a loser." Chris remains silent and Eddie is crushed.

Missing Buck. Realizing why he misses Buck so much. Internalized phobia about being bi/demi/gay. Religious guilt. The thought of upsetting his family.

Compounding nightmares combining being shot, Shannon, Afghanistan, and/or being buried. Losing Chris or Buck. Overdue bills because the only job he could find for his experience came with a drastic cut in pay. His new insurance is limiting Chris's therapies. (True story - our insurance limited my child to 25 total therapy sessions a year, including both OT and speech under the cap. Any beyond that is out of pocket. Yea, I'm still mad about this.)

More panic attacks that are getting worse. Losing coverage to help pay Carla so her job reassigned her. His landlord trying to raise rent to help pay for future improvements to the properties. Helping a man having a heart attack while at the zoo with Chris using the yearly passes Buck bought.

"Heard you quit, Diaz. Move and let us still in the LAFD deal with it." Chris stormed off and refused to talk to Eddie for the rest of the day.

---

Buck and Chris talk about Chris being scared. The association with Christmas and his mom. How he really didn't want Eddie to quit. The risks of being a firefighter where Buck states the truth. The biggest risk is cancer from hazardous materials and smoke, but if they use their equipment correctly, the risk drops. He tells Chris he would try really hard to always make sure Eddie came home, but nothing is guaranteed.

"Without good doctors, Harry's dad could have died from something bad in his head. A tumor. Even eating food can be dangerous, Chris. See this scar? I choked on bread. A bite of baked dough. I almost died. Abby saved me and it gave me this tiny scar. Just like the doctors saving your dad's life led to his scars. Scars show that we survived. You've seen the scars on my leg. I almost died then to."

"I know you saw me throw up blood at Bobby and Athena's that night. I'm sorry you had to see that. It probably really scared you, and I should have talked to you about it. That's my mistake. Hen, Chim, Maddie, and your dad saved me."

"As long as there are good people, Good Samaritans from the Bible. I know you went to church, so you should know the story."

"He stopped and helped the man when no one else would."

"Yes, he did. As long as there are good Samaritans, many lives can be saved. Quick thinking and dialing 911 as soon as possible to get them in good hands and to the hospital to the doctors."

"Don't mistake me, if there aren't good people who can act and focus beyond their panic, sometimes it is too late. Like the bystanders who waited too long to call 911 last week when a man accidentally fell down a set of stairs."

"I know you don't want to hear it, but death, when it comes for us, is unavoidable. Old age. Massive heart attacks. My older brother, Daniel, died of leukemia. My parents had me for a stem cell transfusion(?), but it ultimately didn't work."

"You had a brother? "

"Yea, I did. Daniel Buckley. He died before I could remember him. The procedure didn't last, and he relapsed, or it was too late. I'm not sure really. Maddie has a picture. I kind of looked like him when I was younger."

"Dad told me you saved him. He doesn't remember a lot, but he knows you did. You were his good Samaritan."

"I drug your dad to safety and the others and Captain Mahta helped me get him to the hospital despite the sniper still firing at us. Good people under pressure."

"Your dad was one of those amazing good people who helped so many others. He helped me save a kid and his sister by figuring out the boy had the numbers backwards. Like a mirror. He said 318 instead of 81E. Your dad did that. He figured it out and we acted to save them."

"I didn't want him to quit! I was thinking about how mom was only here for one Christmas. That's all I remember. And the beach trip we took. That's it. And dad won't talk about her."

"Chris, holy... crud."

"What did she like? Did she like broccoli? Did she wear makeup like May? Do I have any uncles or aunts I don't know? What was her job? I don't know!"

"I don't know. Eddie, you idiot. You need... You need to talk to your dad about this."

The shooting. Ana. His dad yelling at someone over the phone about his insurance. How they may have to move because dad can't afford the rent anymore.

After listening to Buck's voicemail, Eddie goes to them and lets himself into the apartment. Chris is asleep upstairs after wearing himself out from crying. Buck drags Eddie out to the balcony and rips Eddie a new one.

"You thought you were doing right by Chris. What a good job you've done, Eddie! Is this even really about him, or is it something else? Talk to me! You're losing everything, Eddie! Carla! Chris's coverage! And now possibly your home! Why aren't you fighting harder, dammit?! What the fuck are you thinking?!"

"Did you even ask Chris what he wants or did you just fucking assume? Because he was only missing his mom. Like I told you. I told you it was Shannon! You didn't talk to him."

"He associates Christmas with her. That's the only Christmas he remembers with her. And it's not the tsunami keeping him from going to the beach. It's the memory of her! He doesn't remember much before with her than that because he was too young when she left! His only real memories of her! He associates Christmas and the beach with her death because that's all he has!" Eddie can only stare at Buck in shock.

"For fuck's sake, do you even keep her memory alive? My parents didn't for Daniel and it destroyed them and in turn Maddie and me. They wiped him away entirely. Do you talk about her to him at all? Because from what I can guess from what he asked me, the answer is no! So you tell me, what the fuck is going on?"

"I didn't know... How? Oh my God. It's my fault. It's all my fault. I didn't... Buck. I refuse to be like your parents. Oh my god, Buck!"

---

Eddie finally breaks and it all comes flooding out.

"He said I didn't have to lose everything before I let myself feel. Is that what I'm trying to do? Am I that fatalistic? All I hear in my head is "Suck it up, Edmundo. Men are supposed to be strong." Blah blah ad nauseam."

"In all honesty, your dad can go suck a bag of lemons so his face matches his heart. Shriveled and sour. That is so toxic. Dr. Copeland told me the same damn thing."

"She did?"

"We all have emotions for a reason. We aren't unfeeling robots. Early man went "Ugh!" but there's evidence of emotion. They're mentioned in the Bible, I think. If they were unnecessary, don't you think evolution would have wiped their purpose like the appendix by now? How many serial killers have been emotionless psychopaths?"

"What about the opposite? Why is that allowed? Why is a man allowed to be happy and celebrate if emotions are bad?"

"My dad didn't even smile at Sophia's birth. Or Christopher's. Or at Sophia graduating summa cum laude. I think his face is frozen in stone unless he's angry."

"Oh, so anger is allowed, but nothing else is? If I had my way, he'd never speak another word to Chris until he's reached maturity. Chris doesn't need to be poisoned, Eddie. Thinking like your dad is so fucking toxic, men with this belief should come with a warning sign."

"Where's mine?"

"Tossed in the shredder waiting for you to hit the power button. You just need to find your version of a cure. Or anti-venom, I guess. Cut off the head of the snake sunk into you and yank out the fangs. Just no street fighting again, please."

"Ha ha. I learned my lesson there."

---

"With your permission, I'd like to restart Chris's therapy. I'd need a signed document from you and your lawyer. He needs to break the happy memories he has with her away from her death. To learn how to separate it from Christmas and the beach."

"I... Okay. Yes. I'll get it tomorrow. Wait. My insurance probably won't-"

"Eddie, I've got it. I'll pay out of pocket if I have to. I have enough. I'm a single man with a fully paid vehicle and surprisingly cheap rent and utilities for LA. Trust me."

"Single? But you have Taylor?"

"Um... Not as of two weeks ago when she accepted an anchor position in Chicago."

"What?"

"She wanted me to move with her. I told her no. My family is here. I'm not leaving. Period. She threw a fit. It didn't... end well."

---

"Dr. Copeland says her business partner at their office has an opening and is willing to take you as a client. She can give her a brief rundown, with your permission, so she can prepare. I've...uh...talked about you... quite a bit. No judgement. Just listening and advice. Guidance to learning how to heal and be better. Please. And before you say anything, I'm helping pay if you need it. Don't argue."

"Okay."

---

"Missed you, Buck. I'm an idiot. I should have talked to you sooner. I'm sorry."

#buddie #evan buck buckely #christopher diaz #eddie diaz #fic prompts #anti bucktaylor #911 fox #pre-relationship buddie prompts

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iliveiloveiwrite · 4 years

Text

Paging Healer Malfoy // Chapter Four - Aftermath and Acceptance (D.M.)

A/N: CHAPTER FOUR! I struggled writing this, that’s why it’s so late and so short, I’m really sorry!! However, I do hope you enjoy!

Summary: Draco has something important to ask (Y/N), but will he work up the nerve to ask her?

Warnings: talk of grief and loss, mutual pining, swearing, mentions of food but no descriptive eating scenes, mentions of injuries, brief description of injuries, injured child BUT THERE IS FLUFF.

Word count: 3.7k

Prologue // Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three

Draco wakes to the smell of coffee and toast. He finds himself laid, curled up on his couch with a blanket covering him. He blinks once, twice – his eyes are crusty from the tears shed last night.

With a loaded sigh, Draco sits up, rubbing his face and wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. He finds (Y/N) in the kitchen; her back to him as she butters the toast and makes two mugs of instant coffee.

Silently, she pushes Draco’s coffee towards him before taking a sip of her own. She watches him as he drinks; her keen eyes focused over the rim of her mug as she waits for him to break down again.

“I’m okay,” He whispers hoarsely.

Her eyes narrow; she doesn’t believe him, and he thinks that she’s probably right to not believe him. He shifts his gaze from her to the mug in his hands; staring down at the bitter liquid he relies so heavily on, “Really. I’m not going to break down again.”

(Y/N)’s mug clinks delicately as she places it back down on the counter, “Are you sure?”

Draco nods, “I’m sure.”

She sighs through her nose, “I’ve never seen you like that, Draco.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head, “Don’t be sorry, I’m just concerned.”

“It won’t happen again; yesterday took me by surprise.”

“I believe you.”

Draco meets her gaze; his blue eyes bright, “Thank you for staying.”

(Y/N) smiles, “You know I’m here for you.”

“I know,” Draco whispers; smiling smally at her.

Cold toast and lukewarm coffee is breakfast for them both; tired eyes crinkling in the corners as shy smiles are shared. Last night changed something between them, and they’re both aware of it. However, neither truly know how to approach it.

Draco finishes his piece of toast before asking, “Where did you sleep last night?”

(Y/N)’s face heats; something Draco hasn’t seen for a while; it took a lot to elicit such a reaction from her. She finishes chewing before replying, “You fell asleep on me. I ended up sleeping underneath you.”

Draco blushes from his neck to his hairline; he opens his mouth to apologise, but (Y/N) beats him to it, “Don’t apologise; I didn’t mind – you make quite the lovely blanket.”

Draco ducks his head; pleased to know that she didn’t mind sleeping with him.

(Y/N)’s eyes glance towards the clock, “Are you on today?”

Draco nods. (Y/N)’s eyes narrow once again, “Are you sure that’s wise?”

He sighs, “What happened last night won’t happen again. I need to work, (Y/N). Life doesn’t just stop.”

She frowns, “You’ll come get me though; if you need someone?”

Draco nods, “I promise.”

(Y/N) smiles, picking up her almost empty coffee cup, “We better head off soon.”

He sighs; he had hoped for more time with her, “Give me ten minutes to get dressed and we can go.”

---------

The break room is empty when they arrive at work meaning that they can pull on their lab coats and share a few minutes of silence before entering the fray, getting safely distracted for the rest of the day.

“Remember your promise,” (Y/N) reminds him, squeezing his hand.

He squeezes back, “I will. Are we meeting for lunch?”

She raises an eyebrow, “Are you buying?”

“I think I can manage that.”

She laughs; letting his hand drop. Draco feels suddenly cold. Her eyes shine with mischief as she answers, “I’ll come find you when I’m free.”

“I look forward to it.”

Draco gives himself a moment after (Y/N) leaves the break; he lets himself have a quiet moment to himself where he takes a few deep breaths and listens to the tinny sound of the now ancient television set in the corner of the room. Closing his eyes, Draco lets the monotonous tone of the muggle news anchor wash over him, calming his mind and his heart.

Readying himself for the pitying looks and the busy emergency room, Draco heads to the admit desk.

Vera greets Draco with a raised eyebrow and a question falling from her tongue, “Was that you and (Y/N) I saw walking in together?”

Draco rolls his eyes, “Yes, just like most shifts we share together.”

“You looked particularly cosy… and I couldn’t help but notice she was in the same clothes as yesterday.”

Draco meets Vera’s eyes, “She stayed over last night. I wasn’t in any place to be alone after what happened.”

Vera’s eyes fill with sympathy and sadness; she wraps Draco in a hug that has him fighting back tears for the pure fact that it reminds him of his mother’s hugs. Vera pats his back twice then letting him go; she wipes her eyes quickly before grabbing a chart from the side, “35 year old female; fainted in Diagon Alley.”

Draco takes the chart from her gratefully, “Let’s get started then, shall we?”

--------

He manages to keep himself distracted; he doesn’t overload on patients like he did yesterday, but he takes on a fair few that he knows he can handle with all the experience under his belt.

It keeps his body busy and his mind occupied; he cannot focus on grief if he is trying to figure out the cause of an otherwise healthy female’s loss of consciousness whilst out shopping with her mother-in-law. Draco has his suspicions that it’s down to the overbearing nature of said mother-in-law but at the pleading look in his patient’s eyes, he keeps her in for further observation – if only to give her a break.

He flits about from patient to patient; ordering tests and then handing out prescriptions. It’s days like this, when the load is heavy but manageable, that Draco is reminded of why he became a Healer in the first place. He loves to help people; it’s at the very centre of his being, but for so long, it was hidden by his teenaged cockiness and the insurmountable pressure from his family.

It’s days like these when Draco is reminded if the fact that he is a good Healer; that he is talented at what does and that is because of the Healers that trained him, but also of the staff he works with. Draco knows that he could only get so far without the help and support of those he works with, and it’s on days like this when he is forever grateful for the nurses that kick him up the arse when needs must.

-------

James Shannon approaches Draco as he sits at the admit desk, making the last few chart notes on patients discharged yesterday – something he chose to neglect due to his sour mood. James interrupts Draco’s reading with a cough, “Healer Malfoy?”

“James,” Draco greets, turning to face the trainee, “How can I help?”

James looks almost anxious as he asks, “What happened yesterday… with Violet, does it happen often?”

Draco sighs; expecting the question from at least one of the trainees, “No, it doesn’t happen often.”

James continues to watch him; hoping for a longer explanation. Draco huffs, “Through your career as a Healer, you are going to meet patients who come into the emergency room frequently. Take for example Mrs. Larkin who I’m sure you’ve met already,” At James’ nod, he carries on, “Mrs. Larkin very rarely needs medical treatment, James; she’s a lonely widow who needs company that she doesn’t get from the rest of her family. So we let her sit in an exam room; check her over and yes, over her multiple visits, a friendship develops.”

“Is that what happened with Violet?”

Draco frowns, “I was Violet’s primary physician and the one who diagnosed her kidney failure. When her fiancée was at work, I would sit with her through her dialysis for as long as I could. It was more a friendship of convenience, but a friendship nonetheless”

James nods, “I know that you’re my boss and I’m only a trainee, but I want to tell you this if I may?”

Draco raises an eyebrow; he can’t help but be sceptical as he murmurs, “Okay.”

James sighs, “It wasn’t your fault… what happened to her. Violet’s death wasn’t your fault and I know you feel guilty about it but there was nothing you could do, and I know Healer Thomas would have tried his hardest to bring her back. And I know what it feels like to feel guilt for someone else’s death – I lost my older sister when I was six.”

Guilt pools in Draco’s stomach for a second; it seems that he misjudged James due to the attention he gathered from (Y/N), but also of his status within the wizarding world. Draco berates himself internally; he should have known better; he knows full well what it’s like to be judged before your character is truly known by those around you. Draco looks over the young trainee and it becomes clear to Draco as to why James chose Healing as a profession; he would never be able to save his own sister, but maybe – just maybe, James might be able to save someone else’s.

Draco eventually nods; he stands, patting James on his shoulder, “Thank you, James. I think I needed to hear that.”

A small smile breaks across James’ face; he nods twice, happy to have helped his superior in anyway. He turns away, but pauses at the sound of Draco’s voice, “James?” James turns to face his boss who’s smiling at him, “I think you’re going to be a fine Healer.”

------

“Draco!” (Y/N) shouts; lab coat flying out behind her as she runs to his side.

Hastily, he turns to her. “What? What’s happened?” He asks, his voice laced with worry and concern; mind running through all possible scenarios for the reason as to why she’s shouting his name and running.

She pants slightly, sidling up next to him, “I heard it was paediatric.”

Draco nods; casting his gaze back out across the bay, counting down in his head for when the emergency transport should arrive. “What did they say?” (Y/N) asks; her focus sharpening.

“Six year old girl; bitten by a werewolf.”

(Y/N) lurches back in shock, gloves halfway on her hands, “What?”

Draco nods; confirming, “We get at least one around the full moon, you know that.”

Her eyebrows furrow, “Did they say how bad?”

Draco shakes his head, “They couldn’t tell us a lot other than it was bleeding a lot.”

(Y/N) sighs, “We need to keep this quiet, Draco. They’re lobbying a new decree in the ministry this week about lycanthropy.”

Draco doesn’t remove his gaze from the emergency bay; veins already thrumming with adrenaline, “Let’s treat the patient first. We’ll worry about politics later.”

-------

Six year old Ailsa is quiet as she is wheeled into the emergency room. Her eyes are wide as they take in the new environment, and she answers questions with the tiniest of sobs. Her mother follows behind; tears streaming down her face as she recites Ailsa’s allergies and any worries she has.

Ailsa flinches as the wound is cleaned. Draco realises upon examination that the bite isn’t too deep meaning that the chance of transmission has significantly lowered since Ailsa first arrived at St. Mungo’s.

(Y/N) arrives at Draco’s side immediately; the bottle of wolfsbane potion already uncorked and ready to be given to the patient. With a sorrowful smile, Draco says, “Ailsa, I’m going to need you to drink this. Now, it isn’t going to taste very nice, but, I happen to know that if you drink all of this, you can have some of the chocolate milk hidden away in the staff room.”

Ailsa’s nose crinkles. “Do I have to drink all of it?” She asks in a small voice; watching the vapour rise from the potion.

Draco chuckles, holding the potion out for her to drink, “If you want the chocolate milk, I’m afraid you have to.”

Fierce determination settles on Ailsa’s face as she takes the potion from Draco; she would get the promised chocolate milk and enjoy every drop. At her mother’s encouraging smile, Ailsa drinks down the potion, frowning heavily at the taste.

She holds up the empty bottle with a victorious grin, “Finished.”

Draco laughs, “Looks like we owe you chocolate milk, Ailsa.”

Ailsa nods happily; handing the empty bottle back to Draco. He takes a step back, “Good job, Ailsa. I’m going to go make a phone call and I’ll be right back with your chocolate milk. How does that sound?”

She nods once again; distracted by her mother wrapping her up in a hug. Draco smiles at the scene before leaving. (Y/N) follows him, waiting until they’re of earshot of the family before saying, “She’s going to be okay, isn’t she? We both saw the bite.”

Draco shrugs, “Truthfully, I don’t know,” He looks towards trauma one, “I really don’t know.”

(Y/N) sighs, “Well I hope so.”

Leaving (Y/N) to manage her own patients, Draco goes in search for a phone and Ailsa’s chocolate milk; happy to find the one in the break room free.

He rifles around in his wallet for the card handed to him by Harry not so long back; an idea forming in his mind. Balancing the phone between his shoulder and ear, Draco punches in the number, relieved to hear the dial tone. It rings four times before a weary voice answers, “Hello?”

“Hello. Is that Professor Lupin?” Draco asks; mind flickering back to his father’s treatment of the werewolf.

A slow chuckle answers, “I haven’t been a professor in over ten years. Who is this?”

“Draco Malfoy, sir.”

The line falls silent; Draco thinks that he’s hung up which is understandable really. Draco had been surprised when Harry, Ron and Hermione had forgiven him; he wouldn’t be surprised however, if Remus Lupin drops the line.

Minutes pass before Remus speaks up, “Draco Malfoy? I never thought I would hear from you. How did you get my number?”

Draco chuckles; half embarrassed, “Harry gave it to me, sir.”

“You don’t need to call me ‘sir’, Draco. Remus will do just fine.”

“Thank you, Remus. I was calling for your help with a patient.”

“A patient?” Remus asks; shock lacing his voice.

“Yes, I’m an attending in the emergency room at St. Mungo’s now,” Draco answers; unable to help the strong tone of pride in his voice – he would always be proud of his job and all that he has achieved so far through it.

Draco hears the surprised intake of breath by Remus, “That isn’t something I expected to hear.”

Draco shakes his head though Remus can’t see him, “I surprise everyone when they hear about my career choice.”

“Nevertheless,” Remus’ gravelly voice says over the line, “It’s an incredibly noble profession, Draco, and one I can only assume you excel at.”

“Thank you, Remus,” Draco says quietly; overcome by the kindness shown by one he treated so poorly.

“Now, you rang me for a reason. How can I help?”

Draco startles; remembering as to why he was on the phone to his old professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts, “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind speaking to a patient and her family. Harry gave me your card not long back and said that you offered advice to families who found themselves struggling with lycanthropy.”

Draco hears another surprised intake of breath, “What happened?”

“A six year old girl was bitten; her mother is worried that she’ll turn.”

“When was she bitten?” Remus asks urgently; voice serious.

Draco checks his chart, “Her mother says this morning; the werewolf broke in and got spooked by her daughter waking up to use the bathroom.”

Remus makes a sad noise on the end of the phone, “So similar to my own attack.”

Sadness washes over Draco; he had known the story of Remus’ bite – there were few in his parent’s social circle who didn’t know considering they all knew the werewolf who had turned him. Remus brings Draco back to the present, “The full moon waned last night; we were at our weakest last night so the bite should amount to nothing.”

Draco grips the receiver tighter in his hands; hope beginning to flicker in his chest, “And you’re sure of that?”

Remus sighs, “I’m not 100%, but we are always most vulnerable as the moon wanes and the bite so rarely takes when we’re weak.”

“What would recommend? I’ve already administered wolfsbane potion which the poor girl didn’t appreciate. I had to promise her chocolate milk to get through it.”

Remus chuckles, “No, I can’t imagine she did. You’ve covered yourselves with the wolfsbane potion; that’s good thinking, Draco. Other than that, it’s a waiting game.”

Draco sighs into the phone, “You’re certain she won’t turn this full moon if the bite has been successful?”

“She won’t turn now. The moon has left its apex; I can feel its strength leaving me as we speak.”

Draco huffs out a breath of relief; he won’t have a child werewolf running around his emergency room then. He has to ask, “What about next month?”

“That’s what we have to wait for.”

Draco nods then remembers that Remus can’t see him, “So I just need to tell the mother that it’s now a waiting game.”

“That’s right. However, if you have a spare wolfsbane potion, give it to the mother. That way, should her child turn, the potion will make her docile and less dangerous.”

Draco makes a note to do so on the girl’s chart. He holds the receiver close to his ear, “Remus, would you mind if I passed on your details to the mother? That way she can ring for advice should anything happen with the next moon.”

Draco can hear the sad smile in Remus’ voice, “Of course you can, Draco. Pass on my well wishes to the family, please.”

“Thank you, Remus. You’ve been a massive help.”

Remus’ voice is gentle as he says, “Anything I can do, Draco.”

Draco hangs up on his ex-professor; feeling hatred towards his younger self for being so naïve to believe his family’s prejudices towards those markedly different to them. Shame washes over him as he thinks of the things he had said about the well-mannered man, knowing he was within hearing distance. Grabbing a bottle of chocolate milk from the fridge, he makes a mental note to send a letter of apology with Harry the next time he was to visit his godson.

With the information from Remus, Draco asks Vera to grab another wolfsbane potion from the potion lock up. As she does that, Draco writes up the prescription and advice for Ailsa’s mother.

Wolfsbane potion in one hand and chocolate milk in the other, Draco returns to trauma one where Ailsa and her mother sit, chatting quietly. From looking at her, you wouldn’t have though that Ailsa had been bitten by anything larger than a small dog. Her attitude towards it had been entirely blasé and Draco couldn’t decide whether it was shock or simply Ailsa’s resilience making an appearance.

Draco smiles reassuring at Ailsa’s mother who stands when she notices Draco entering the room. He hands the chocolate milk to the child; her face lighting up at a promise fulfilled.

“I’m fairly confident that she will not turn into a werewolf. After examination, the wound was quite shallow. The issue is, we cannot be fully certain, so whilst Ailsa may not turn with this full moon – she could with the next. So, here is a wolfsbane potion to be given to her at the start of the week of the full moon. If Ailsa turns, the potion will keep her docile and make her less dangerous. However, I’d also like to give you the contact details of someone who can help should you have any worries.”

Ailsa’s mothers eyes shine with fresh tears as she whispers, “That would be so helpful. Thank you, Healer Malfoy.”

Draco nods; rifling for the small rectangular card in his pocket. “His name is Remus Lupin; he used to teach at Hogwarts, but now helps those come through the moon with as little damage as possible. This is his card, I’ve already rung ahead, he’s expecting your call should you have any worries. He also passes on his well wishes.”

Ailsa’s mother lets her tears fall as she takes the card from Draco. She reads over the fine print for a second before tucking it in her pocket, “And he’s good, you say?”

“He’s the best.”

--------

It takes Draco twelve hours to work up the nerve to ask (Y/N) to dinner. He thought about asking her at his flat, but tensions were high, and should she say no, it would make for an awkward commute to work. He felt there were opportunities all through their shared shift; as he poured their first coffees, at lunch when she kept stealing chips from his plate, as she consulted on a patient for him. He had countless opportunities, but he doesn’t grab at them; he just waits.

At the end of every shift they share, they always head home together, living on the same tube line. Their fingers brush every now and then; sending jolts of electricity through Draco’s veins. It takes every inch of his restraint not to pull her into a kiss as they walk to the tube station; everything about her drives him mad. She’s just finished working a twelve hour shift and yet, she’s as beautiful as she was this morning, sliding him a coffee over his breakfast counter.

Draco realises that he wants to wake to her making coffee for the rest of his life if she’ll have him.

The tube station looms in front of them. It’s now or never, Draco thinks to himself as he looks up to the timetable where it announces its three minutes until the next train.

“Do you want to grab dinner some time?” He asks suddenly, swivelling on the spot to face her, “With me, alone, outside of the hospital,” He adds on for awkward clarification.

“Don’t ask me to dinner because of your grief, Malfoy,” She warns; voice filling with emotion.

Draco shakes his head; a small smile gracing his lips, “It isn’t that. I’m asking you to dinner because I want to date you.”

(Y/N)’s eyebrows raise in surprise, “Oh.”

“So… not out of grief, not out of thanks – out of the fact that I like you, a lot, would you like to get dinner with me?”

(Y/N) beams at him; the sight of him leaving him breathless, “Yes, I would like to get dinner with you.”

*******

Paging Healer Malfoy taglist: @sycathorn-slush @obsessedwithrandomthings @kpopgirlbtssvt @kalimagik @brycelahelalover @fallinallinmendes @mischi3f-manag3d @remmysrecs @willowbleedsonpaper @nao-cchi @haphazardhufflepuff @soundsquid27 @mytreec @maydillydally @chaoticgirl04 @pregnant-piggy @rhyxn @acciotwinz @birdie-writes @reaganwonders @chanelwonders @izzytheninja @ravenclawbitch426 @ohissandhalasta @missmulti @nebulablakemurphy @pointlesscoconut @cherrylita @harpersmariano @slytherinlovesgryffindor @falconfeather23435 @namoreno

Draco Malfoy taglist: @the--queen-of-hell @obxmxybxnk @obx-beach @sycathorn-slush @dracomalfoyswifey @kashishwrites @justmesadgirl @detroitobsessed @reaganwonders @sophia-gwendolyn @ravenclawbitch426

**if your username is in bold, I was unable to tag you.

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wardens-stew · 3 years

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my review of The Mask Falling - an ode to Arcturus and Paige

For me, the soul of this series has always been the relationship between Paige and Arcturus. It’s apt that this book, the exact middle of the series and as @sshannonauthor describes it, its heart, spends so much time with this pair. The intensity and uniqueness of their bond really emerges as the shining jewel of this series.

It’s clear that Samantha Shannon was intentional about putting Arcturus and Paige on equal footing for the first time in The Mask Falling. She manages the power dynamic between them with such attention and nuance, reversing their roles often and fluidly escaping gender roles. The protector role comes naturally to Arcturus, given his immortal strength and anxiety about losing Paige (it’s even part of the etymology of their names), but for much of The Mask Falling he is her silent shadow, trailing being her and supporting her quietly. They negotiate their differences with refreshing candor and in good faith, their arguments free from ego. “My fear is not your cage,” Arcturus tells her. “I will never ask you to mold yourself to it.” His affection for her is empowering, supportive, never constrictive or diminishing. Paige herself is markedly independent, doing the bulk of her fighting and plotting on her own. When she does seek support from Arcturus, there is no sense of her own strength being diminished, and as often as he rescues her, she turns around and rescues him just as easily.

Indeed, while Arcturus is the immortal god, it is Paige’s power that really shines in this book. Her incredible ingenuity and strength is on full display, getting her out of certain-death scenarios at such a gripping pace I had to cover the pages with my hands to avoid glancing ahead. She couples her incredible powers with extraordinary mental fortitude and an acute conscience; each of her escapades has a satisfying emotional resonance that enlivens her broader quest. Whereas many YA heroines possessed of supernatural power oscillate between immobilizing moral anxiety and moral bankruptcy, Paige tempers her impulsiveness with reason (most of the time) and a powerful motive for justice. It’s clear that she has yet to access the full extent of her abilities, and I’m eager to see what roles she’ll play in the fight to take down Scion.

While previous installments show Arcturus/Warden on various levels of guardedness, The Mask Falling gives us time and space in excess to see his true character. I was struck by his compassion, his hopefulness despite all that he has endured. He is often reassuring and comforting Paige, his optimism clear-eyed and measured. The contrast is especially stark with his persona in The Bone Season, where he appears cold and calculating, morally gray at best. In this book, he is almost unbearably kind, devastatingly sweet and thoughtful. As Paige remarks, “there was nothing terrible before me now.” The almost unimaginable beauty of his character is achieved with such a soft touch; the books are not about Arcturus being the the epitome of goodness - he simply is.

A central thread of tension of this book follows Paige and Arcturus negotiating their relationship and coming to terms with their mutual attraction. Samantha Shannon manages this tension beautifully, carrying it forward constantly with poignant moments of intimacy interspersed with Paige’s honest internal dialogue. The smallest interactions and gestures between them felt so heightened. There are all the classic scenes - getting drunk and saying too much, jealousy spirals about past relationships, almost-kiss scenes interrupted, near-death confessions - all building up to a beautiful and satisfying climax.

Samantha Shannon writes intimacy incredibly well. The love scenes feel specific to the characters, managing to be both meaningful and erotic. Romances between an immortal man and a mortal woman in particular tend to translate the man’s primal instincts and extreme physical strength into a voracious sexual appetite that leaves little room for gentleness and consideration. Arcturus really breaks the mold in this respect. He is so reverent, so sincere, so generous with Paige in a way few male characters with female partners approximate. Rather than relying on an imbalance of power in order to convey eroticism, the sexiness of Arcturus and Paige’s dynamic derives from the equality of their relationship. It’s so difficult to create a heterosexual romance unsullied by patriarchy, and Samantha Shannon gets close to that here.

I wonder if it is Arcturus’ immortal nature that makes him such a uniquely engaging character. Samantha Shannon really commits to that aspect of him - he’s not just a hot teenager. The best word I can think of to describe him is mature. He is so beyond the petty concerns of YA love interests, so ego-less and self-reliant. One of my favorite ways he diverges from human men - and traditional male love interests - is his lack of fixation on Paige’s physical appearance. This book has several of the classic moments that would typically elicit a remark or a look from the love interest on the heroine’s appearance, often framed as a cute romantic moment. Yet when Paige dresses up, or dyes her hair - even when she asks him outright - he never comments on the way she looks. “A human might have whispered in my ear, told me I was beautiful or perfect, but not him.” I love that. I’ve never found that lustful, almost predatory demeanor in male love interests nearly as sexy as the author would like it to be, and it always rubs me the wrong way when the man telling the woman she’s beautiful is framed as the epitome of romance. It strikes me as a very lazy way to convey attraction, for one thing, and it reeks of benevolent sexism. Arcturus never plays into those supposedly romantic tropes of disparaging other women in favor of the heroine or being selectively kind. His love for Paige is so pure.

I continue to be impressed by the sheer scale of worldbuilding in this series. Many books attempt to create fictional tyrannical governments, but few succeed in building one as convincing and elaborate as Scion. The Mask Falling peels back even more layers of this complex world, bringing to fruition seeds planted in the very first book. Although the basic plot leans on some familiar tropes, Samantha Shannon always manages to add an additional twist of the screw. The complexity of this series is truly extraordinary, drawing on etymology and mythology, dropping mysteries and complicating loyalties with incredible dexterity.

SPOILERS!!!!! --> I am still struggling with Arcturus’s possession and Paige’s failure to connect the dots and realize the reality of his situation. I see Samantha Shannon has pointed out on Twitter that Paige’s trauma and illness may have affected her judgment and decision-making. She says, “There's a particular scene where Paige reacts to an event in a way that is so deeply rooted in her PTSD and past experiences.” (I assume this is the scene she’s referring to.) I think that’s fair - Paige has been so inundated with the Rephaite aversion to humans that it’s almost as if she only needed one piece of evidence to confirm her doubts and destroy her trust in Arcturus. And it’s not as if she just takes it at face value, either - she does question him and try to convince him otherwise. But I still can’t help feeling that it’s a stretch. The Mask Falling makes Arcturus’ character so clear that the prospect that he would be loyal to Nashira the whole time is just ludicrous. Not to mention the fact that Paige somehow overlooked the obvious signs that he was being possessed. His eyes were such a dead giveaway - Paige had already seen that same thing happen when she possessed him! And when he moved to strike her and then suddenly stopped and his eyes flared - come on! That’s a classic mind-control trope. Paige is usually so perceptive, and they had built such a strong foundation… it feels unrealistic that she wouldn’t have connected the dots just because she hadn’t thought there could be another dreamwalker.

If I had to find fault with this book, and it is difficult, I would say that it leans a little too heavily on some YA dystopian fantasy tropes towards the end - the mind-controlled love interest, for example, instantly made me think of Divergent, The Hunger Games, The Mortal Instruments, etc. Likewise, the forced memory loss is a fairly common fantasy trope that tends to be really frustrating to read. I have faith that Samantha Shannon will keep it from sliding into those tropes, and of course there remains so much mystery still to be untangled from those final 100 pages. /END SPOILERS :)

This was the kind of book that captivated me immediately, left me lying awake at night and had me eating energy bars for dinner so I could keep reading. It was such a visceral, immersive experience, the kind where returning to the physical reality is almost physically disorienting. It’s been two days since I finished it and I’m still clinging to that fictional world, wishing I didn’t have to leave. Books like these are rare for me, and I’m still marveling at the miracle of finding that book that in Arcturus’ words, exists for everyone: “a book that will sing to them.”

#the mask falling #the bone season #arcturus and paige #warden and paige #the mask falling spoilers #spoilers #review #otp #Samantha Shannon

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residentlesbrarian · 3 years

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The Fourth Book I Read In the Dark: Of Expectations and Other Relatabilities

Of Gryphons and Other Monsters by Shannon McGee

Hey, guys, sooooo...this is aaaawwwkward. I wrote 95% of this review when I wrote the other Books I Read in the Dark series for the blog, but the ADHD hit me and COVID was still you know...a thing! So I am gonna post this review, finished of course, OH, but also pay extra close attention to the conclusion alright! Hmm...this is a bit like a time capsule...here are my concentrated thoughts from 6 months ago while I was slightly delirious on books and darkness. So go forth and uh yeah this one is...you can just feel the feral “I haven’t had access to proper internet so I’ve been curled in the corner like Gollum with my books” energy coming off it so...enjoy?

Okay, so yeah, I really didn’t have a reason to end my last review that way I just wanted to, so sue me for injecting a little excitement into a series of posts about me literally sitting in my house reading nonstop for 2 ½ days, my reviews my rules. Back to manufacturing my own excitement shall we!

It’s Day 2! I’ve just finished my last library book, whatever will I do! I could always reread The Neverending Story for the 1,273rd time, but I have a need. A need for GAY! I rack my brain, there has to be a solution. My town is without power, my local library won’t be open, but then it hits me. It’s so simple! It’s meant to be really! Like the universe knew this was coming and it made sure I was prepared! Like a prepper stockpiling mental SPAM for my stimulus needing ADHD riddled brain! I have an entire shelf of books that I haven’t read yet! Way back in Clexacon 2019 my best friend (Lookin at you @justalifelongphase) gave me way too much money from missed birthdays and Christmases all at once before the con started because the world has deemed it impossible for us to live geographically close to one another. Anyway, I went a little book-buying-crazy and have not had the time or opportunity to read any of them since then. Their time has finally come!

I figured after going full whimsy with The Lost Coast and sci-fi superhero with Dreadnought and Sovereign why not take a dip into more traditional fantasy, also this one was first in line on the shelf, yay for not having to actually make a decision! No more dawdling, let's get right into the review!

Unicorn Rating:

Blurb: Taryn always loves and hates gryphon season. She finds the lesser gryphons more cute than anything but the ever present fear that a greater gryphon might be just out of sight is terrifying, and this gryphon season proves to be the one that will change her and her families lives forever! Just let a girl herd her sheep in peace!

Disclaimer: I will try my best to not spoil anything from the book, but my book loving rambles may give more away than a traditional review. Here we go! Ramble time!

Review:

I genuinely enjoyed this book. It took me a bit longer to get through it than the others, but I think that was a combination of three things: A. I was starting to feel the fatigue of reading so much in such a short amount of time. B. Our local Wal Mart had power restored on Day 3 and our entire household went on a trip to buy non-perishable food stuffs and I was like a solitary confinement prisoner being let out into the yard for the first time in months when my phone picked up a wifi signal and it was a bit hard to get back into the swing of reading after talking to other humans, even virtually, that weren’t imaginary or in my head. C. Our power was finally restored on the afternoon of Day 3 so yet again I was inundated with the draw of technology and all of my friend-os I hadn’t talked to, but the book had drawn me in enough I did the most unmillienial thing and left my phone in a different room to charge while I finished this book before going back to the land of technology and interwebs. That should tell you something.

McGee was able to write this story in a way that pulls you in so you care about what happens to these characters and this little mountain town. You learn just enough about the world to understand where they fit within the overall weave of it, but you aren’t given a Tolkein-esc dissertation on the world lore. I felt the worries and the fears. I was concerned when the routines had to change. I mean she made me care about the freaking sheep! Sheep, people! One of the reasons I think this works so well is we are so firmly rooted in the head of our protagonist, Taryn. Imma use that lovely bridge I just built to skip right on over the plot section of the review to get to the characters first, don’t worry we’ll circle back round to the plot. I always do, but I just wanna talk about my newest set of brain babies.

Taryn is a character that, if the title of this post is anything to go by, I found very very relatable. Now I know relatability can be pretty subjective, some people can latch onto something with the all consuming, “It me!” While others just stare on dead eyed not understanding the appeal. I feel like Taryn could be that kind of protagonist. You are either going to really relate to her or you won’t understand where she is coming from at all. I obviously fall in the former category. I was the quintessential middle child, still am really, though my relationship with my parents has shifted now that I’m an adult. More mutual respect and friendship than parent to child. I always did my best to pick up the slack, if ever there was any, and just tried my best to be as little of a burden as possible to my parents. I see so much of that aspect of myself in Taryn and how she sees her place at the farm and even in the town, she has her place and her role, but those expectations are heavy. One of those expectations being that she will inevitably get married and help take over the farm from her parents and have kids to continue the line. The fact she finds the lesser gryphons that flock near the farm far cuter than any of the local boys that she will eventually have to choose from to fulfill that inevitable expectation is just...sad at best and down right tragic at worst. And her family doesn’t help matters either. They won’t let her forget that she will have to settle down with one of these local boys, a boy who would make a good husband and take good care of her and the farm. She knows that, logically, but she also wants to be in love, like her parents, and she just doesn’t feel like that for any of the boys in town. She doesn’t know how to make those two things line up. It’s a struggle between her head, the obligation of what she has to do, and her heart, what she really wants for her future, to be happy in doing what she has to do. Wow, I went off a little bit there, but this was my long winded way of saying I have never read a protagonist that really captured the utter confusion of being raised in a heteronormative environment without it being drenched in internalized homophobia and fear. Protagonists like this seem to always know something is off but just don’t have the words for it so they just hide it because they know it’s “different” and out of the norm, but Taryn is just livin’ her sheep herding life and ain’t got no time for these boy crazy fools. She knows her mom wants her to find a good boy to court her so she can marry someday but she’s still young. She’ll think about that tomorrow, and she just repeats that ad infinitum. The thought that maybe she doesn’t fancy any of the boys because well...girls...never even occurred to her. It's not how things are done in this small mountain town, not because of homophobia reasons, but just stubborn tradition reasons. We are even told there is a gay couple living in town who are staples in the overall dynamics in town, instrumental even, but the idea of having a lineage, being able to pass your land down is so ingrained no wonder poor Taryn was so in the dark about her own probable gayness till it slapped her in the face. As someone who was raised in a medium sized Oklahoma town...girl I feel you. I was 22 and in the middle of Appalacia, way up in the mountains for college when my gay awakening popped up and said “Hello!” Everything that never quite made sense in my life came into perfect clarity. Not quite what happened with Taryn, but the arrival of Aella surely helped, as pretty girls are want to do. Oh look a segue, good, cause I could talk about Taryn for literal hours and I’ve already gabbed about her too much for this review.

Aella, you smooth motherfucker. Like I wish I could possess a quarter of the smoothness that you do. Like I’m lucky to string sentences together around a pretty girl, but here you are just strutting about being the smoothest of smooth. Honestly, I just...I can’t with you Aella. On a serious note though Aella is a character that served as showing Taryn a glimpse at the world beyond her small mountain town, as much as she had no desire to leave, unlike her brother. Nope, sit down, we’ll get to you, Michael! Oh, we’ll get to you. She’s traveled and has stories from all over and she is fairly open about the fact that she only likes girls, but she doesn’t have land, responsibilities, and a family line to continue. She just gets to live her life the way she choses. And y’all know I am a sap for the hard dark characters that are totally softies underneath that rough exterior. I think Aella was a great foil to Taryn and great at showing her what she could have if she was willing to leave, to stretch what she was allowed to wish for, but of course the biggest issue with her wishing for anything was...Michael.

Michael was such an interesting character. I loved him. I hated him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to punch him. Again as with the town and the people of the town I was so deep seated in Taryn’s head and feelings that her conflicted feelings about Michael and how he was acting became my feelings on the matter. Not enough to not separate a tad and see what was coming or at least try to predict it as I always do when reading, but emotionally I was right with Taryn the whole way. The one thing that really pushed Michael from just a character I was conflicted about to one I really wanna give a swift kick in the nads to, is that he knew. He knew all about Taryn’s absolute lack of romantic inclinations toward any of the boys in town and her doubts that she would ever find someone to love and marry to take over the farm. He was the only person she confided these fears in and he still selfishly followed his own pursuits with little regard to her or her worries. You sir, are a terrible brother and overall a shit human, so sit your ass down and shut your mouth.

The plot for this book was so embroiled with the characters and their journeys that I can’t talk on it much but the twists at the end and the final climax was very satisfying for me and left me excited to dig into the next book. Also something of note that I didn’t talk about in the character section cause I felt it was dragging on a touch, I really only talked in depth on our three biggest players but there is a very colorful cast of side characters ranging from Taryn’s nervous pony to the boy-who-cried-gryphon neighbor no one can stand to the troupe of hunters led by Aella’s mother to Taryn’s best friend Nia, all of whom play important parts in building that sense of caring about the people of this town and the town itself, which in turn made me deeply care about the outcome of the plot at the heart of the story. And the sheep! The god damn sheep!

One thing I do want to say before my final thoughts is that whoever designed the cover of this book in a genius because as I dug into the story I found myself constantly closing it to spout off about theories of what I thought was happening on the cover and what it all meant, I was kind of reader fatigue delirious for most of those theories but some of them I was right! I might have reenacted the Captain Holt “Vindication” gif IRL just because it felt too good not to. I just love when a “cool” cover turns out to be so much more than that once you’re “in the know”. So yeah, now y’all know to pay attention for that.

My final thoughts on this book are pretty positive. I can tell the author is building us toward so much more, hence the name of the series, Taryn’s Journey, and it feels like it. This is only the beginning and I honestly can’t wait to take the next steps with her.

Queer Wrap-up:

Hey it’s me from the future...present...whatever...so, this is when I stopped writing the review six months ago and there is a reason for that. I, kind of, agonized over what to rate this book on the scale. Multiple times having to call my brother and go back and forth just to then repeat the same arguments with myself as soon as I got off the phone. Now why was this such a hard terrible no good awful back and forth well...SPOILER WARNING...seriously anything past this point will be spoiling some character beats for the majority of the book...okay? We understand one another. DANGER ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE...or you know scroll on.

So, Taryn is never confirmed to be queer in the text of this book. Now you would have to be wearing the tightest hetero goggles in known history not to see the heavy HEAVY subtext saying THIS BITCH GAY! It’s basically a full grown elephant painted sparkly rainbow trying to hide behind a dead shrub aka not hiding at all. I so desperately wanted to give this book four of those darling unicorns but in this rare case I just don’t think I can justify it. We have a protagonist that is still figuring herself out, which is amazing that we get to see that and go on the journey with her. Some of the things Taryn does and thinks are queer coded as hell, especially if it involves Aella who is explicitly gay on the page, but Taryn herself never express whether she herself is queer. Which, fair, other really important and traumatizing things were going on and I love that about her as a character, she didn’t meet Aella and suddenly that was all she could think about. Aella, of course, is representation who I’m counting because even though she shows obvious interest (you smooth motherfucker) in Taryn she is so much more than just a love interest and her character isn’t just boiled down to her sexuality. Now in this wrap up I’m also including the doctor and his husband in the town. They are very minor characters but they give us interesting insights into the town and the people. They are accepted and treated well in town even if some do almost, pity isn’t the right word, but they seem sad that they won’t be able to have any kind of legacy or lineage. As I said in the review it’s not homophobia it’s being stuck in your ways and it’s an interesting take.

Links:

Shannon McGee Website

The Storygraph

Okay so this one is a bit of a mess. Pieces of it were written 6 months apart and most of it was written while I was kind of delirious but hey at least I can say it’s honest. I still stand by everything my past self wrote and I still really enjoy thinking and talking about this book and am excited for whenever I get around to reading the sequel to continue on Tayrn’s journey with her. This is a book I probably would never have known even existed without ClexaCon and trolling through artist alley for literally every table that had books on them. I guess, moral of the day is maybe you won’t just find great books on library shelves but on unassuming convention tables too and it never hurts to look. Trust me, I’m a lesbrarian.

Oh bet you thought this post was over. I did the sign off and everything but oh no no! I have some info and such to impart. I am WELL AWARE these reviews have been fairly inconsistent to down right sporadic. Well, this is just a little info dump letting you guys know I am gonna be putting up one more review after this one that I wrote ages ago and I mean AGES (think years, as in multiple) and just never got around to posting and then the old blog is probably gonna be going through a PLANNED dormancy while some pretty big stuff is coming down the pike. You may notice visual changes and other stuff before anything else is announced but just keep an eye out. To quote the Fates from Hercules, “It’s gonna be big!”

Okay now for the actual sign off, I got shit to do! No one look behind the curtain, it’s a surprise!

#Of Gryphons and Other Monsters #Shannon McGee #resident lesbrarian #3 unicorns #questioning girl #lesbian #heavy wlw romantic subtext #ya novel #ya fantasy #go to your local library #but wear a mask #and wash your hands #and stay 6 feet apart #be safe out there guys gals and nonbinary pals

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get-lost-in-fanfiction · 3 years

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LOST - Another Story

Rating: M

Word Count: 3.8k

A/N: I hope everyone enjoys the new character. I have big plans for her in terms of the overarching story of Lost. Also for the dialogue I’m following a transcript of the episodes so I can get it all right. Anyway, here’s Pilot Part 2!

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Pilot (Part 2)

I sit down, trying to ignore the mixed expression Sawyer is giving my right now. One would assume he is upset I know his true name, or he thinks I'm some spy. Then a horrid thought crosses my mind, what if they think I'm an Other? I realize they don't know about the Others now, but in the future, I'm not sure. I'm putting my trust in Sawyer to keep my secret and protect me, but knowing how he is in the first season it doesn't seem likely. But I know the kind of man he is meant to be. So with that in mind and with a sigh, I begin to tell Sawyer everything I know.

“My name is Amelia Kassman, I am 20 years old, now single, and I know the future, ” I pause there to take in Sawyer’s reaction but he seems too stunned to speak.

“I know the future because where I come from this world doesn't exist. This reality, or whatever this is, is from a TV show called Lost. This Island isn't actually real, and the show was filmed in Hawaii. I come from 2010, and the show has just finished it's 6th and final season. Weeks before this I had just watched the finale. I can assure you, it's just as weird for me too.”

I pause again, letting Sawyer soak up the information. I nervously tap my leg, knowing once the rain stops Jack, Kate, and Charlie will be on their way back. Sawyer opens and closes his mouth a few times, seemingly wanting to talk but unable to. As the rain suddenly stops, I suck in a breath. Fuck. I watch Sawyer as he stands up and walks out of his tent.

I stay a little longer in Sawyer’s tent, listening intently for the sound of a fight to break out over the handcuffs Walt finds in the jungle. Once I do, I rush out of the tent and over to where Sayid and Sawyer are fist-fighting.

“Hey guys. Come on, man. Hey.” I hear Michael say as I jog up to the scene.

“Hey. Break it up. Break it up! Come on! That's it! It's over! That's it!” Jack shouts, running in a few moments after I arrive.

“Son of a bitch!” Sawyer spits at Sayid.

“I'm sick of this redneck!” Sayid calls.

Sawyer gets up close to Sayid, “You want some more of me, boy?” He taunts.

“Tell everyone what you told me! Tell them that I crashed the plane! Go on! Tell them I made the plane crash!”

“The shoe fits, buddy!”

“What is going on?” Jack shouts over the commotion.

Sayid shouts something in Arabic angrily at Sawyer.

“What's going on?” Jack commands again louder.

Michael hands the handcuffs to Jack before speaking up, “Look, my kid found these in the jungle.”

I roll my eyes when Sawyer decides to butt in, “And this guy was sitting in the back row of business class, the whole flight, never got up. Hands folded underneath the blanket.”

“Oh-” Sayid gasps softly.

“And for some reason,” Sawyer continues, “just pointin' this out - the guy sittin' next to him didn't make it.”

“Thank you so much for observing my behavior.” Sayid spits back at Sawyer.

“You don't think I saw them pull you out of line before we boarded?”

I watch as Sayid tries to get to Sawyer again to hit him.

“Come on, bring it!” Sawyer exclaims.

Kate steps up and yells loudly, “STOP!” As Sayid backs off.

Kate continues after the situation is visibly diffused, “We found the transceiver, but it's not working. Can anybody help?”

“Yes. I might be able to.” Sayid claims calmly.

Sawyer throws his hands up, “Oh great. Perfect! Let's trust this guy!” He shouts again.

At this, Hurley steps in, “Hey! We're all this together, man. Let's treat each other with a little respect.”

“Shut up, Lardo.” Sawyer shoots back. I wince, watching this scene in person is a lot worse than on TV.

“Hey! Give it a break.” Jack says exasperatedly.

“Whatever you say, doc. You're the hero.” Sawyer says and Jack shoots me an odd look. For a beat, I don't understand why, but suddenly it comes back to me. I also called Jack ‘Doc.’ Terrific.

I stay on the beach, trying to convince myself to go on the hike with everyone. I know it won't be easy, and I know that the climbing scene was faked. I'm not very strong, but I've got enough upper body strength to fight so why can't I climb? I was hiking before the crash, anyway, so it could be plausible for me to go. I drop my face in my hands and sigh loudly before pushing off the sand. I walk myself over to the gathering group of Kate, Sayid, Shannon, and Boone.

“Shut up, and stop trying to be charming.” I hear Shannon say angrily to Boone. She then turns to Kate and Sayid, “I'm coming with you.”

I see Kate looking visibly uncomfortable, “I don't... know if that's such a good idea.” She says slowly.

Shannon scoffs “What are you? Two years older than me? Please.” I walk quickly up beside Charlie as Shannon whips around to see us, “You two are going, aren't you?”

“Yeah, are you?” Charlie says.

“Yup.”

“Yeah, I'm definitely going.” Charlie says as I shudder slightly.

“I’d like to come too if you don't mind?” I ask Kate politely.

“Look, everybody can come. But we're leaving now.” Kate says, annoyed. I'm glad I like this early season version of her or else I’d be annoyed too.

Charlie then speaks up to Shannon, “You couldn't tell from that, but she's actually really nice.”

I turn my head and see Sawyer smoking while reading his letter. He looks up at me and we lock eyes for a moment before glancing beside me to see the others walking off. I look away and try to suppress the butterflies. I don't like men who smoke, but Sawyer makes it look sexy. Thankfully he runs out of cigarettes soon.

I tighten the laces of my boots as Kate turns to me. “You have a backpack?” She asks.

“What?” I say in reply, as I mentally smack myself.

“I said do you have a backpack, you should carry some water.”

“Yeah I have a backpack, I was hiking in Australia before the crash. Do you want me to get it?” I try and keep my tone even and kind as I talk to Kate.

“Yeah, go do that.” I worry she’ll leave me behind so I run as quickly as I can to my tent to get my backpack. Once I do and fill it with some water bottles I rush back to the group.

“I'm ready,” I call.

“Great then, let's head out, ” Kate says. I give a quiet sigh in return, this is going to be a long hike.

We are well into the jungle, and I start to worry that Sawyer won't be joining us. I won't lie when I say that he is one of the reasons I even came on this hike. Not that he is the only reason, though, I also came because I wanted a gun. Despite my adversity towards them, I have the strange need for one. Knowing what lies ahead I feel like I can become a trustworthy gunman. The quick crunching of another pair of feet shook me out of my thoughts.

“You decided to join us.” Kate says unamused.

“I'm a complex guy, sweetheart,” Sawyer calls back and turns his head to me to give a little wink. I try hard to keep my cheeks from turning bright red.

“I didn't know you were comin’ on this little excursion blue eyes,” Sawyer flirts, is he flirting? I can't tell, and part of me doesn't want to look into it too much. I know having a crush on Sawyer won't end well for me, there are too many competitors. I don't want to mess up the timeline just because I have a silly crush.

“Yeah, dimples, I decided to come. Better than sitting on the beach staring at the ocean all day,” I see Sawyer’s face turn a little when I use his own nickname game against him. Maybe I could have a bit of fun with it.

“Touche,” is all he can say.

We get to the base of a cliff and I realize this is the moment I've been dreading. Kate looks to Sawyer, Shannon looks to Boone, Charlie looks around and I look up at the top of the cliff. Sawyer starts to climb up first, followed by Kate and Sayid not far behind. Charlie is a little way behind them and I decide to follow him, not wanting to be behind the slow pokes of Shannon and Boone. We struggle up the side of the cliff, grabbing branches and roots that stick out and trying our best to find footing. Charlie occasionally offers me his hand to help pull me up and I am grateful to take it, also opting to help him as well when I can. My hands, back, and forehead are sweating from nerves and exertion. Sawyer reaches the top of the cliff first and helps lift Kate up along with himself. Sawyer and Kate then help Sayid and Charlie, too. Somehow, Shannon and Boone got ahead of me, and Shannon is too proud to get the help from anyone but Boone, so he is the one to pull himself up and help her. I realize I’m the last one when I see Sawyer’s smiling face looking down at me.

“Need some help there, blue eyes?” He says with a bit of amusement in his voice.

“Yeah actually, I do,” I puff back, not realizing how much I’m struggling.

So Sawyer reaches his hand down and I hoist myself up to grab it while still clinging to some roots. He wraps his large hand around my smaller one then grabs hold of my forearm with his other hand. He pulls me up as I use my other arm to lift myself up. I roll over the edge of the cliff and Sawyer lets go of my arm. Everyone stares at me for a moment and I feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. I quickly scramble to my feet and brush myself off.

“Well let’s go,” I say embarrassed and while avoiding eye contact with Sawyer.

We get to a fairly flat place in the jungle with tall grass and lots of tree cover. Cicadas are chirping loudly as I walk beside Sawyer. I swing my backpack around and pull out a water bottle, take a swig, offer it to Sawyer who waves it away, and then screw the cap back on. I stow the water away as I remember that during the mountain my favorite theme was playing. I laugh a little to myself and Sawyer glances at me quickly, I put my fingers up to my mouth and smile shyly in his direction.

We walk a bit more before Sawyer throws his hands up and speaks, “Okay! Wide open space! You should check the radio, see if we're good.”

“We're not going to have any reception here.” Sayid says as he continues to walk.

“Just try it.” Sawyer exclaims.

“I don't want to waste the batteries.”

“I'm not asking you to keep it on all day!”

“We're still blocked by the mountain.”

“Just check the damn radio!” Sawyer huffs.

“If I just check! We might not have any juice left when we get to-” Suddenly a loud roar interrupts Sayid and everyone whips around to the movement. We hear puffs and everyone looks around to find the source of the noise and the crunching of the grass and leaves around us.

“My god.” Shannon squeaks, I glance at her.

“What the hell's that?” Boone asks, I want to speak up, but I have a plan quickly forming in my mind.

“Something's coming.” Kate says quietly, and by the look in her eyes I can tell she thinks it's the Smoke Monster. The beast starts running at us, huffing.

“It's coming towards us, I think.” Charlie says nervously.

Kate rushes towards us, “Come on, let's move,” she says hurriedly. Everyone begins to run off but Sawyer and I. He looks down at me worriedly, an expression I didn’t think I would see.

“I shouldn't have come. Aah!” Shannon screams.

Sayid pulls Charlie along and they all start running, “Go! Go!” he shouts. Sawyer tries to push me away to run but I stay put, ready to strike.

I hear Kate yell, “Sawyer!” and Sayid’s exclamation of “Let him go!”

I quickly reach for Sawyer’s gun and shoot at the bear, knowing where it is. It bursts out of the jungle, Sawyer stumbling back a bit, as I quickly put a bullet through its chest. The bear drops and I look up at Sawyer, the smoking gun still in my hand.

“Blue eyes..?” Sawyer starts, but Shannon cuts him off.

“That's... that's a big bear,” She says, looking fretfully at the animal.

“You think that's what killed the pilot?” Kate glances at Charlie nervously.

“No. No, that's a tiny, teeny version compared to that,” Charlie says, holding up his fingers for comparison.

Kate looks at it for a moment, “Guys, this isn't just a... bear. That's a polar bear,” she says.

Boone decides to speak up, “That can't be a polar bear.”

“It’s a polar bear,” Kate, Sayid, and I say in unison as Sawyer gives me a look, the gun still in my hand.

“Yeah, but... Polar bears don't usually live in the jungle,” Shannon says.

“Spot on,” Charlie replied cheekily.

Sayid then speaks up, “No, polar bears don't live near this far south.”

“This one does,” Boone quips.

“Did. It did,” Sawyer says, misbelief in his eyes.

Kate then turns to me, “Where did that come from?”

Before I can speak Sawyer butts in, “Probably Bear Village. How the hell do I know?”

Kate scoffs, “Not the bear. The gun.”

I look down at the gun in my hand, flick the safety, and look back up at Kate, “I took it from Sawyer.”

“And where did Sawyer get it from?”

“I got it off one of the bodies,” Sawyer replies.

“One of the bodies,” Sayid repeats.

“Yeah, one of the bodies.”

“People don't carry guns on planes..” Shannon states.

“They do if they're a US Marshal, sweet cheeks-“ Sawyer starts, but I cut him off.

“There was one on the plane,” I state, hoping to dissolve the situation.

“How do you know that?” Kate says to the both of us, slightly panicked.

“I saw a guy lying there with an ankle holster, so I took the gun. I thought it might come in handy. Guess what? Blue-eyes here just shot a bear!” Sawyer states happily, gesturing to me when he mentions the polar bear.

“I have a name you know,” I say, a bit annoyed.

“Well nicknames are my specialty, peaches,” Sawyer says smoothly.

Kate interrupts us before I can reply, “So why do you think he's a Marshal?”

“Because he had a clip-on badge,” Sawyer holds up a badge, ”I took that too. Thought it was cool.”

“I know who you are,” Sayid begins, “You're the prisoner.”

“I'm the what?” Sawyer says incredulously.

“You found a gun on a US Marshal. Yes, I believe you did. You knew where it was, because you were the one he was bringing back to the States,” Sayid glances at me before he continues back to Sawyer, “Those handcuffs were on you. That's how you knew there was a gun.”

“Piss off,” Sawyer spits.

“That's who you are, you son of a bitch!” Sayid starts to get angry.

“Be as suspicious of me as I am of you,” Sawyer states coolly.

“But you are the prisoner.”

“Fine! I'm the criminal. You're the terrorist. We can all play a part,” Sawyer turns to me, “Who do you want to be blue-eyes?”

Kate suddenly reaches towards me and wrestles the gun out of my hand, I’m glad I put on the safety. Once Kate has the gun she points it at Sawyer, looking at me guilty. I know that look, she thinks I’m just a child. I’m not a child, but, compared to the rest of the survivors I am.

“Does anybody know how to use a gun?” Kate says.

“I think you just pull the trigger,” Charlie quips.

“Don't use the gun.” Sayid states.

“I want to take it apart,” Kate says calmly.

“Oh,” Charlie says softly.

Sayid takes a deep breath and says, “There's a button on the grip. Push that, it will eject the magazine,” Kate follows Sayid's instructions and ejects the magazine, “There's still a round in the chamber. Hold the grip, pull the top part of the gun.”

Kate does what Sayid says quickly, and almost too expertly. If I didn’t know her I would be suspicious. She then gives the magazine to Sayid and the gun to Sawyer.

Sawyer grabs Kate’s arm as she gives him the gun back “I know your type,” he says quietly.

“I'm not so sure,” she says back.

“Yeah. I've been with girls like you.”

“No girl's exactly like me,” Kate says coldly, but with a slight glance at me.

Kate then walks off and Sayid speaks up, “We should keep moving.”

We walk a bit more, to an open hilly area. I close my eyes and face the ocean, breathing in the air. Despite being hot and humid, I can’t help but marvel at the beauty of the Island. Even though I know back home it was just Hawaii, this is no Oahu. Sayid then gets the transceiver out and I steel myself for Sawyer, again.

“Oh! Now's a good time to check the radio! Not before.. but now!” He says angrily.

“We're up higher,” Sayid says calmly.

“Yes, we are!”

Suddenly Sayid gets excited, “Bar. Hey! We've got a bar! Mayday! Mayday!” But all that comes out is feedback.

“What is that?” Kate asks.

“Feedback,” Sayid answers.

“Feedback from what? What would do that?”

“I don't know.”

“I'll tell you what would do that,” Sawyer begins angrily, “This guy not fixing the radio. This thing doesn't even work!”

“No. No, no, no, no, it's not broken. We can't transmit because something else is already transmitting,” Sayid explains.

“Transmitting from where?” Charlie asks.

“What?” Shannon adds nervously.

“Somewhere close. The signal's strong,” Sayid says, and I remember the radio tower. I wish I could somehow get away and find it, even though I know what happens when we do a few months down the line.

“Somewhere close? You mean on the Island? That's great!” Charlie claims excitedly.

“Maybe it's other survivors,” Boone adds.

“From our plane? How would they even—“ Shannon begins, bur Sawyer cuts her off.

“What kind of transmission is it?” He asks.

“Could be a sat phone, maybe a radio signal…” Sayid says as he trails off.

“Can we listen to it?” Kate asks nervously.

“Let me get the frequency first. Hold on,” Sayid says.

“There's no transmission,” Sawyer dismisses.

“Sawyer,” I say quietly, touching his arm a bit. He looks down at me and shuts up.

Sayid finally gets transmission to play and Charlie starts to get excited. “The rescue party. It has to be,” Rousseau’s message is heard clearly, “It's French! The French are coming! I've never been so happy to hear the French!” Charlie bounces up and down as he speaks.

“I never took French. What does she say?” Kate asks.

“D-Does anybody speak French?” Sayid says hurriedly.

“She does,” Boone says before I can, and I realize that might have been a bad thing to say.

Shannon then suddenly gets defensive towards Boone, “No, I don't. What?”

“What the hell are you talking about? You spent a year in Paris!”

“Drinking, not studying!”

Suddenly the transmission ends and a male voice speaks from the radio, “Iteration 7294531.”

“Okay. What's that?” Charlie asks, looking hopeful. Sayid, not so much.

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…” Sayid says quickly.

“‘No, no, no’ what?” Kate asks hurriedly.

“What ‘no’?” Shannon also asks.

“The-the batteries are dying!” Sayid shouts.

“How much time do we have?” Kate asks.

“Not much.”

Boone turns to Shannon again, “I've heard you speak French! Just listen to this! Listen to it!”

“I can't!” Shannon cries.

Sawyer huffs, “You speak French or not? Because that would be nice.”

The radio speaks again “Iteration 17294532.”

“That voice is weird. What is that?” Charlie inputs, but no one answers his question. I look sympathetically at him.

“Come on. Come on, Shannon!” Boone urges.

“Come on!” Kate adds.

Even Sayid, who is doing mental math manges to say, “Come on!”

The transmission begins to play again, and Shannon looks nervously at it, “Il est dehors….”

“It's... it's repeating,” she says.

“She's right,” Sayid adds.

Boone looks at Sayid, “What?”

“It's a loop,” Sayid begins, "’Iteration’—it's repeating the same message. It's a counter. The next number will end... ‘533’.”

Just as Sayid says, the radio blares, “Iteration 17294533.”

“Does anyone know what the hell he's talking about?” Sawyer says angrily.

“Sawyer please,” I add, but he doesn’t hear me.

“It's a running count of the number of times the message has repeated. It's roughly thirty seconds long, so... how long…” Sayid says as once again he tried to figure it out in his head.

“Don't forget to carry the one, chief,” Sawyer adds.

The radio begins again after, “Iteration 17294534.”

Shannon looks at the radio and starts to translate, “She's saying .. ‘Please’. She's saying, ‘Please help me. Please, come get me.’”

“Or she's not! You don't even speak French!” Sawyer shouts.

“Let her listen!” Kate yells back.

“Shut up, man!” Boone adds.

“Guys, the battery. The battery.” Charlie says nervously.

Once again the radio says, “Iteration 17294535.”

Shannon puts the radio up to her ear and says, “I'm alone now. Uhm... On the Island alone. Please, someone come. The others, they're... they're dead. I-it killed them. I-it killed them all.”

“That was good,” Boone reassured her.

“Sixteen years,” Sayid finally says.

“What?” Sawyer asks.

“Sixteen years. And five months. That's the count.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Boone asks.

“The iterations. It's a distress call,” Sayid starts, “A plea for help. A mayday. If the count is right... It's been playing over... and over... for sixteen years.”

“Someone else? Was stranded here?” Boone says worriedly.

“Maybe they came for them,” Kate speculates.

“If someone came, why is it still playing?” Sawyer adds.

“Agreed, you’d think then it wouldn’t matter if they’re rescued,” I say, but not really adding much to the conversation. It’s weird seeing them all talk like this, knowing who it is. They all still have hope they’ll be rescued.

“Guys,” Charlie says, “Where are we?”

LOST

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#lost #abc lost #lost fanfiction #james “sawyer” ford #james ford #sawyer ford #james “sawyer” ford x oc #james ford x oc #sawyer ford x oc #lost tv series

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lvnce-mcclain · 4 years

Text

Okay so pt2 of this, (pt 3 here and then here’s pt 4) didn’t want to reblog since it was already getting too long. But here goes thoughts on this AU for the rest of s2:

So yeah, imagine Buck and Eddie having all that history going into s2. Imagine Buck still being struck dumb when he sees Eddie changing at the station that first day, completely speechless when his brain finally connects face to memory. Imagine Eddie having so much turmoil over the feelings that spark up at seeing his old teammate again, having Buckley back at his side. It makes Eddie’s transition to the team go a lot smoother in the long run, although there’s still a bit of a rough patch that first shift.

(So Eddie is a still little peeved when he recognizes Buckley, and he can’t keep the bitterness out of his voice when he makes a quip about not abandoning this team, Buckley immediately shutting down at the disapproval and getting defensive. But then there’s the call with the ambulance, and Eddie is thrown back in the field with Buckley by his side on one of those rare good days of his, and Eddie is sure of the man flanking him when they’re climbing into the ambulance together. They manage to handle the explosive and no one dies, and at the end when Eddie is smiling too bright and clapping a shoulder saying, “You can still have my back any day, Buckley,” and too-blue eyes shine back with, “Buck. Call me Buck. And you—you can have mine too” and a grin that has Buckley’s—Buck, Buck, Buck’s—lips splitting wide.)

Imagine how differently Buck would grow as a character. He learned his lesson about where he belongs a little too late in this AU, and imagine the potential for how much Buck would mourn every life he wasn’t able to save when he was active. Imagine how heavy it laid on his shoulders every time he had to pull the trigger, imagine how deeply he must have been hiding from his father’s disappointment in him if he let himself get pulled so far off from his own moral track to make it as far as he did while on active duty.

Buck still has a streak of promiscuity after he gets discharged, because Eddie’s words may have been enough to subdue him in their company but not where all those rules couldn’t touch him anymore. I sincerely think Buck still needs to have his Abby arc, it’s such a good arc for him imo even though I wish there was more closure at the end. So when Eddie shows up and tumbles back into his life, Buck is a little more willing to move on out of Abby’s apartment at a more reasonable pace.

He struggles a little less with coping over being ghosted, or rather realizing he’s the ghost or whatever, because he sees a potential place for him to belong and jumps at it. (Which would still need to be addressed eventually, this perpetual need of Buck’s to be useful to prove his own worth to himself and everyone, constantly.) Ohhh and imagine how much more the Earthquake episode would hit with Buck’s absolute resolution to get Eddie home to not just a picture of a little boy, but full-fleshed Christopher who Buck has been a fan of ever since he talked Eddie down into just accepting that little boy into his life and letting that be enough, even when Christopher was only a faceless name through stories in the desert. Imagine how much more would be behind that already relieved longing Buck showed in the scene where Eddie holds Chris at the school.

And it just makes sense, really—Buck reassures himself repeatedly—that Buck moves in with Eddie and Chris after things settle back down. At this point Eddie has made it clear how much he’s struggling with the childcare issues with being a single dad and Buck finds himself hiding from lonely nights by hanging out with his two favorite Diaz’s more often than not these last few months. When some of the rest of the team express concern—mostly through jokes, mind you, like comments about “lovebirds moving too fast” and other inane shit like that—over it, Buck’s ready with a stupid, rehearsed presentation to Eddie about why being roommates would be beneficial to “all parties involved, c’mon Eddie it’s not ‘just the two of us, you idiot’ Chris is a party too!”, with a large portion of it all dedicated to how Buck would be useful in sharing household duties and can help watch Christopher on Eddie’s work days if they’re not on shift together.

Already Eddie is feeling pretty persuaded but then Buck ends this whole spiel with a check towards his phone and a really vague mention of a friend coming over to meet them, and right on time the doorbell rings and in walks the biggest personality Eddie never knew he needed in his life. Carla is fantastic off the bat, and when Buck mentions near the end that Carla would help him no matter what he decided regarding the roommate situation, of course, Eddie is blinking so dumbly at Buck he nearly has to shake himself back to normal.

Because imagine how different it’s been for Eddie. Getting home to his parents already defensive on him getting to parent his own child, how hard he tries to stay with them as long as possible because everyone says that’s what best for Christopher after being abandoned by both parents, can’t you see he needs the stability only we can provide him? Until one day he sees an opportunity to start fresh and he grabs at it with flailing fingers, and Christopher is the only light in this dark as shit tunnel they seem to be stuck in.

But then in comes Buck, and Eddie learns a good lesson about letting people back into his life. Imagine how much relief there must have been the moment Eddie realizes an old partner was going to be by his side in this terrifying transition in Eddie’s life, not only at work but also taking some of the burden of parenthood off Eddie’s shoulders like it weighs nothing at all. Imagine how much Eddie needed that kind of stability around this time.

So imagine Eddie calling the whole presentation dumb after Carla leaves but rolling his eyes with a smile and Buck knows he got em, and just grins and asks too brightly, “yeah??” and Eddie can’t help but smile and tell him there’s no one else he’d rather be roommates with too much affection to be strictly teasing. And from the warmth in Buck’s eyes he can read that affection with ease, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He just smiles and starts planning the move excitedly.

Imagine s2 progressing the same, except now Buck and Eddie are 10x more comfortable with each other and god. Can you imagine the room for angst and emotional exploration with Shannon coming back into Eddie’s life with Buck already so ingrained in it? How Eddie would be torn towards wanting to try and fit back into the picture of what a happy family and marriage had always looked to him, but everything aching in him to lean towards Buck and the beginnings of their little sketched out family with Chris.

Imagine Buck trying to distance himself out of respect for Eddie and his marriage because he in no way wants to come in between Eddie and anything that would make him and Christopher happy; he’s firmly resolved if that means Shannon back in their lives, then so be it. But Eddie surprises him with the decision to limit contact with his wife—tells her that she can be part of Christopher’s life once she’s proven she can be trusted not to disappear, but that Eddie didn’t want anything beyond what’s necessary.

(Imagine Christopher getting to keep his mom and get his Buck too, because hey, we don’t have to kill off women to give men more backstory in this AU.)

Imagine Buck taking this as a step toward something he realizes he’s craving from Eddie: more. Imagine the soft touches and questioning looks and the longing that’s possible with all the domestic scenes after this. Imagine the fire fam getting absolutely insufferable with comments. But then there’s everything with Maddie and there’s not much time to consider anything beyond that. And then—then there’s the Accident and we go into s3, which I also have some Thoughts on.

#buddie #buddie fic #buddie meta #my fic #s3 thoughts might be tomorrow tho #bc its getting late and #my high is wearing off lol #buddie au

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