#im very good at identifying my own emotions lmao

[0-k-4]

feeling the Feeling n°2. Not great but still better than the Feeling n°1 who, although indescribable, is still the top 1 of most uncomfortable feelings i've ever felt.

#im very good at identifying my own emotions lmao #the feeling n1 goes back a looong way though i remember feeling it when i was like 8 #still dont know what that is or what its about #the feeling n2 is a bit clearer and i prefer it over the n1. but there isnt much things i despise as much as n1 #its like not stress not anticipation not unrelessness. or whatever its spelt. but its their cousin with an additional chromosome #eheh a fly just landed on my hand #anyway

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hii sex witch

im 19 afab and ive never had sex before, i masturbate sometimes but ive never had an orgasm and dont know how to "get it"?.. im generally scared of sex and identified as asexual for a long time but i dont think thats really my deal, im just scared of it. im scared of it being awkward, of my partner not finding me atractive or worse. i dont like how i look naked, and dont imagine anyone ever could. i think my vagina and my boobs look ugly and alien, i preach body positivity and being natural i think all bodies are good no matter how they look but when im faced with the reality of my own body im repulsed by these parts of it. i think something may be broken inside me because i just cant Be Normal about sex, the thought of me having it always makes me stressed and uncomfortable. i want a relationship and i love meeting new people and flirting etc. but when the person i talk to makes any sexual joke or innuendo i get super tense and scared and realise that if things get further they would probably want me to do it... and maybe i could and maybe i even want to but the thought makes me sick with the pressure. this isnt even a question, so i dont know how you could even respond but i dont have anyone i could openly talk about this in my life without feeling super weird or them just brushing it off as "you'll grow up to it" or something, and i just had to say it to someone or else i will eventually explode. hope this all makes sense ❤️‍🩹

hey anon,

come in, get cozy, grab a glass of lemonade, etc. we're gonna be here a minute.

so listen: I swear to GOD this isn't me trying to pull the "you'll grow into it" thing. I am going somewhere different with this I swear. bear with me.

first and foremost, I think the main problem you're experiencing right now is that being 19. I don't mean that in a condescending or belittling way, or to imply that you just don't want to have sex because you're 19. I'm saying that being 19 (and 18, and 20, and 21, and so on) is mostly for being worried about everything and having no idea what's going on. you have to get all that insane anxiety out of your system as early as possible in your adult years so that you can get down to business actually developing a perspective and figuring out what you want to do. I'm not even, like, a LOT older than you but trust me, by the time you're 26 you're going to feel SOOOOO different about things that you don't even realize you have an opinion about right now. when I was 19 I was made pretty much exclusively of anxiety and the cheapest bagels at the grocery store. (eating badly was not helping my anxiety.)

what I'm getting at here is that you're at like a very exciting and terrible formative age when it's the most normal thing in the world to feel like there's something uniquely awful and hideous and unlovable about yourself. when I was 19 the two most important things in the world to me were losing my virginity (lmao) and making sure I never experienced actual emotional intimacy ever because I was sure that if anyone got close enough to really know me they would realize that I was the worst person who ever lived and fundamentally undeserving of human connection. TERRIBLE place to be in; I had a lot of deeply bad and uncomfortable sex because of it.

there's a really easy solution to being terrified of sex, which I wish someone had told me when I was very scared of sex, and it's if having sex sounds like a horrific ordeal you can actually just Not Have Sex. just don't do it. it's actually REALLY easy to not have sex; millions of people do it every single day.

if you like meeting people and flirting, that's awesome! you should do that, having connections and relationships with other people is important. if you don't like sexual jokes and innuendos you can just tell people they make you uncomfortable and ask them not to do that; how they respond is actually a GREAT litmus test for whether or not those are people you should keep hanging out with. if someone isn't able to not make sexual comments about you after you've asked them not to, kick 'em to the curb!

there are tons of people in all kinds of romantic relationships who aren't having sex. that's a perfectly fine and reasonable boundary to set. it can make things a little more complicated, sure, but dating and romance and love are all complicated and messy anyway. again, great way to VERY EFFICIENTLY weed out who is and isn't a suitable potential partner. (it's also fine to not want a partner, either; there's nothing wrong with being a sociable extrovert who doesn't want to have sex.)

there's nothing broken about you for being nervous about the idea of having sex. whether you identify as asexual or not, it's perfectly fine to feel that way. it's completely fine if you change your mind tomorrow or if you feel this way for the rest of your life. and you might! maybe sex will never sound awesome for you, and that's fine! again, tons of people living very good and happy lives every day without having sex! sex isn't a measure of maturity, but knowing yourself well enough to honor your own boundaries and desires is.

I hope a kinder attitude towards your own body can come with time, and I think it will. be gentle with yourself, alright? being 19 is very silly but unfortunately very necessary, and I think you'll really like what comes after if you let yourself relax a little. whatever you feel like right now, you're actually a very normal person, by which I of course mean you have a rich and brilliant mind and will do many quietly wonderful things in your life and will be deserving of every bit of love and joy that comes your way.

also, hey - have you ever seen a therapist about anxiety? I also should have done that when I was 19.

#sex edventures 2023

[chemicalcarousel]

is it normal for the host of a system to having attributed your headmates' behavior/thoughts/opinions/ect to yourself before you were made aware of your plurality?

and is it normal for other headmates to having confused themselves as being you, the host, in the past?

(gonna do a "keep reading" for the rest of it, since it became a long rant about my& struggle with our mental health)

ig it's because we just thought that was what being one person was idk we do be a lil stoopid lmao. like... i remember some episodes where levi was close to the front or fronting with me where we were well aware that there was a levi there (name and all), but we thought it was a delusion or we just brushed it off as if it never happened. then we identified as otherkin/fictionkin (since levi is an introject from a fictional source). levi thought he wasn't his own person and he still seems freaked out by the thought of existing and honestly i dont blame him since i find existing freaky too hxkfsfksxs

i thought one of the littles was me doing involuntary age regression as some sort of emotional flashback, but idk my therapist thinks she's a seperate part and ngl it makes more sense. she's much different, but probably based on young me and holds our trauma from that time. i'm personally emotionally distanced to the trauma mostly, but she's the one holding it. every therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that have met her are extremely surprised how i change so drastically. and they have all commented on how im not in touch with my emotions when i describe my trauma very analytically. but then sometimes "i" start acting like a scared child. i cant control it in any way. i especially cant control my body language, my thoughts, my emotions, and my speech. and after the episode is over i definitely have emotional amnesia. it was a dissociated child part

also the child has a passive influence on me from positive triggers too and it's hard to control that. let's just say we have a lot of plushies lmao but idk they are very cute and the big ones are good for especially the littles to ground and soothe themselves. sometimes hugging one also helps when a little is upset inside of the body. we have a hard time reaching each other inside the headspace, it's like we are lost in an infinite void of darkness where we can sense each other faintly at times, but it's so hard to communicate. but i hugged a big, soft plushie once i felt a little crying and i kept repeating that we are safe and that she's not alone and that we love her. idk why the plushie hugging helped, but my theory is that she might have felt it through our body and hugging that plushie helps her. she didnt seem to be at the front at all, but idk maybe she could still feel it?? idk how this works, my therapist has been very hesitant to help us, even though she's the one who was like "yeah you are three different parts, i've observed them all" (havent told her about lee bc we are scared and he only fronts when we are alone and he can do some activities he likes)

TW // suicidal ideation mention

our therapist is a licenced psychiatrist and psychotherapist who is specialised in mood disorders (we have bipolar), so maybe that's why she's so bad at handling our case. she's like "it's hard to work with your trauma when you're either not in touch with it or you're triggered to the point of closing off from the world". bruh........ we're trying our best here, you're supposed to like.... know what to do. there's a reason that we are here, if we knew how to handle this we wouldn't need therapy wtf. sadly we barely have an income high enough to live off of since we aren't allowed to work yet due to our strong anxiety and s//cidal ideation. also we dont have the right disorders to get disability (only schizo-spec or bpd, denmark is so stupid istfg). hhh life is so hard and we are super split on having hope for the future or not

TW OVER // suicidal ideation mention

anyway, a question turned into a rant (yet again). ig it's because we literally have no one to talk to about this. sorry hhhhgggg

~ Sof (she/he/they)

#pluralgang #actuallyplural #actuallysystem #actuallymultiple #sysblr #pluralblr #headmates #host #system host #yo its sof #ours

[glamfellens]

Is there anything you can share about NPC extraordinaire, James Blythe? How close is Aeres with him in canon?

lmao ye gonna put this under a read more bc theres quite a lot an d i cant shut up mr james blythe is a battle master fighter who is a lieutenant in the navy :^) since he's the younger son of a minor noble family there wasn't anything for him to inherit or really do on their small estate so his options were join the navy or clergy for whatever god he wanted james is an overall good boy. he can be a bit naive and extremely stubborn, and tends to hold himself and others to very high standards and will absolutely follow these to a fault. but he's also very devoted and driven and doesn't hold himself above other people just because of his background i think james is also a bit of a show off and absolutely has a shit head side. his humour is very dry though he's definitely better at filtering his thoughts than aeres is.

james and aeres met in a tavern about a year before the events of the game. their situation is like one night stand -> friends with benefits -> sort of an established relationship situation, in so far as at this point they're exclusively seeing one another (as has always been the case with James apparently but aeres stopped seeing other people probably like... eight months before current events) the issue is aeres is like, fine identifying her emotions but expressing things like affection doesn't come easy to her and it is doubled down by the fact that she is keenly aware that she is going to outlive james by a few centuries, so i think her self-denial of it being anything more than just F*ck Buddies is a defence mechanism. james is more clued into what's going on between the two of them but he doesn't really want to push it or push Aeres so he's happy to just go along with how things are for now lmao. it's basically a long term relationship in all but name at this point i guess tldr they are both kind of idiots but this is all about to be thrown into sharp relief by the fact that james is currently under a mass suggestion spell cast by the villain (this guy is a navy commodore for whom james works under as a second lieutenant so i like did this to myself basically because i had the option of having him work under the Good guy but lmao no) of the campaign and since its a higher level than her dispel magic her best options to break him out of it are 1) Bonk to the Head or 2) Talk to him and maybe that will include openly acknowledge some feelings, in order to get him thinking on his own terms rather than continue being enthralled

so yea they're having a great time right now. idk when the next session is gonna be but im stressed about having to beat up my boy. aeres is at half health so it might be her who gets her ass kicked

#dnd #james blythe #aeres penvenen #thank u i hope we get to play soon becaus eim dying to find out what happens #my ocs #james' faceclaim is ewan mcgregor this is very important #aeres' is lauren bacall

[lovesaadiqa]

We're getting closer <3

My depression sent me searching for answers on ways to change my mind. I can see clear as day how my thoughts are controlling my emotion and why I'm identifying who am with what I feel. Looking for answers, namely about how other people seem to be able to endure life better than me. Through my sadness, I became intrigued on the why of my actions, why this particular thought pattern, why this type of self-talk, by the response que. Naturally I craved a therapist but financially I had to find another way so I started reading. The very first book was emotional intelligence 2.0.. I can't remember the author but I believe I made entry on here about it. Anyway, it was too technical and hard for me to digest so I went look for popular books about the mind and Jen Sincero's how to be a bad ass made something click.

Almost 4 years later, several books, podcasts, quotes, tik toks, etc. I realize I'm praying for my spiritual journey and said enlightenment. It's slick scary how fast I get confirmation that it's on its way. Today I was on a post from a guy named Alan Watt and a guy in the comments said once you're on your way there is no turning back and you can't undo it, said it was scary. The "it" refers to learning to sit in the "seat of self". I can never forget how it felt when I realized this feeling of suicide I keep coming in touch with is not a physical death but one of my old way of thinking, my old self, the person I build to survive my fears, to ease the pain of life. Fuck her lmao fr. Being scared is weak asf and keeping me from living my life to the fullest. Untethered Soul was the book for me!!! I have damn near 20 new, unread books but this one is a go-to guide for meeeeee. When people say "keep going" just let life guide and you just go. Im so grateful I keep reading, keep reaching for understanding because I know it will click, I can fucking feel it.. I just need the disciple to form new habits to stay in it.

Im excited but praying Im in the right mindset. I want to experience my spiritual growth consciously, I want to be present in those pivotal, life changing, tiny moments that can go unnoticed when you there's a shit ton of mind chatter. I'm excited to see how life will unfold for me now that im attempting to become a willing participant.

For my future self:

You are going to slip up but don't beat yourself up, have grace and patience with yourself my baby. knowing is half the battle and we're getting there, its' beginning to click. Be patient and here are a few good quotes

"Let creation settle its own affairs. We must learn to accept the workings of creation without weeping or sorrow. Since, one way or another always works out best."

"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

"Living Purposely is taking responsibility for consciously creating goals, identifying the actions necessary to achieve them, making sure our behavior is in alignment with our goals, and paying attention to the outcome of our actions so that we see whether they are leading us where we want to go."

Relax and Release. One low resistant happy thought for 17 secs.

"God will always take care of you, you must take care of your mind."

[indigoh4ze]

party || rafe cameron

warning- SMUT // vaginal fingering, eating out, vaginal penetration, mentions of intoxication

rafe cameron x fem!reader

a/n- so this is my first time writing for outer banks, im terrible at writing actual interactions so im sorry its so bad at first lmao. also disclaimer: rafe in this fic is nothing like he is canon, so his characterization is off. enjoy :)

also feel free to request for any outer banks characters i write for

turn on notifs here - @slvt4fakerealities-library - to be notified when i post a new fic

join taglist (add yourself to the outer banks section)

the lights were blazing, different colors zapping throughout the room as you made your way over to the couch. your head was slightly fuzzy from the intoxication, but you managed.

since the couch was empty, you took the chance to sprawl your whole body out on it, head on one arm and feet dangling off the other. you watched as everyone danced and made out and filled their bodies with even more toxins. soon, you found yourself just dazing up at the ceiling, lips opening and closing slightly as you lip-synced in a whispering tone to the loud music.

after what felt like hours, but could’ve only been a few minutes, you felt something nudge your thigh. without moving your neck, you let your eyes flash down to find the source of the movement.

hovering over you was rafe cameron. his dirty blonde hair framed his face messily, a single cross earring dangling from his left ear, a red solo cup in his hand as his free hand poked at your thigh.

“what?” you slurred, now moving up on your elbows and blinking back the haziness.

“i wanna sit,” he said, taking a sip from the cup. even in this state it wasn’t hard to notice how good the boy looked, tilting his head back and gulping down the liquid, eyes never leaving your own.

you groaned, pulling your knees to your chest and allowing rafe to throw himself onto the cushion. you were now facing his side, as his hands gripped your legs and pulled them back to their original position, except now they laid over his leg. giving him a curious look, you laid the side of your face on the back cushion and fidgeted with the bracelet around your wrist.

“shouldn’t you be like- getting shit faced or something.” rafe snickered at your words, sending you a glare before looking back down to his cup, which he was also mindlessly playing with.

“sorry, did i interrupt your little..nap?” he teased with a hint of amusement, referring to the previous state you were in, and you scoffed in return, mind clearing a bit more and making room for annoyance.

“whatever.” and then, you were pulling your legs off him and standing up, albeit wobbly as you almost fell to the side, caught by rafe’s firm grip around your arm.

“you good?”

“‘m fine,” you dismissed the boy, confused as to why he was even talking to you in the first place.

the truth was, you never liked him, he was rude and careless and selfish and way too much to put up with. but you couldn’t deny the attraction you felt towards the boy, and the tension that was always evident when the two of you were together.

but you always just pushed those thoughts aside, because even the thought of anything happening made your mind whirl with a plethora of emotions, not good ones by any means.

but then, you also couldn’t deny the recurring fantasies of things that could happen. could but wont, because he’s rafe cameron, and not even you’re desperate enough to be one of his bitches.

“hey?” a light tug of your arm pulled you back to the present, and you turned to see rafe at your side, cup forgotten as one of his hands molded around your waist and the other wrapped around your bicep to steady you.

“i’m really fine-.” you pulled away from him, and right as you did so, you felt someone back up on you, pushing you towards rafe and into his chest as a cold liquid spread from the lower half of your head and down your back.

you gasped in surprise, suddenly awake and alert as you sharply turned to see a boy standing there, cup tilted and empty as all its contents spilt on your back. he mumbled a quick apology, then took off laughing with his friends about something they said that probably wasn’t even funny.

“you sure about that?” rafe inquired, eyebrow raised in amusement as you stepped away from him, this time more cautiously. “c’mon, we’ll clean you up.”

although you wanted to say no and tell him to fuck off because you could handle it yourself, you were too exhausted from the long night to put up much protest other than a dramatic groan. then, you nodded, and rafe led you away from the crowd of people with a tug of your wrist.

—//—

now, you found yourself in a bedroom, rafes bedroom, waiting expectantly as you stood in front of the boy.

“what now?” you ask, palming your eyes and yawning, looking back at rafe with glossy eyes now, which were sending waves of tingles through the boys stomach.

“take a shower,” he implied, as if it was obvious. you scrunched your brows as he pointed to the bathroom on the other side of the room.

“i don’t have any spare clothes.”

“i’ll find you something to wear,” rafe shrugged, “go on,” he urged you to the bathroom, and you followed obediently, not having it in you to put up any sort of fight or ask questions.

“i’ll be right back,” rafe said from the room as you closed the bathroom door, only to hear the door to the bedroom close as well, meaning rafe left.

your mind was filled with the thought that he just ditched you, which was a possibility, but you ignored that thought and slipped your shirt over your head. once all the articles of clothing were thrown onto the cold tile floor, along with your shoes which sat messily in the corner, you lift a foot into the tub, stepping in.

immediately, you played with the oddly fancy knobs and managed to turn them on, warm water rushing through the shower head as your tilted your head back into it. the odd colored drink washed away from your hair, falling onto the floor of the tub and down the drain smoothly. you searched for soap, quickly cleaning up and scrubbing your hair twice for good measure. the smell of the soap reminded you of rafe, not surprising considering it was literally his own soap, you told yourself, annoyed by your current thoughts.

the feeling of the slightly cold water hitting your skin was enough to wake you up fully, but you were too lost in the blissful feeling of the water to pay much attention to your surroundings.

that was until you heard the door to the bathroom open, and you peaked your head through the curtain to find rafe, setting a towel on the counter, along with a shirt and a pair of shorts.

“who’s are those?” you questioned, making rafe jump as he realized you were watching him.

“sarah, i just took some from her,” he shrugged, and now you were even more confused.

first, he started talking to you randomly. then he’s helping you stand. then he’s taking you to his room..so you can shower. then he’s getting clothes for you to wear? how much did you have to drink? you started to ask yourself, questioning if this was all you just being wasted.

but it wasn’t, you felt pretty much fine. so there had to be something you were missing.

“just hurry up and change, i’ll be in the other room.” without another glance towards you, rafe left the bathroom, leaving you standing there, wet hair dripping forward from the way you had tilted your head to peek through. you went back to getting the soap out of your hair, rushing a bit more now.

meanwhile, rafe was in his room, just outside the bathroom, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. what the fuck am i doing? was his only thought.

he was honestly just confused as you were. it started when he saw you laying on the couch, mouth agape as your eyes sketched shapes on the ceiling. you just being there was tempting enough, but after that he just had to make his way over to you.

the two of you hadn’t had many conversations in the past, at least no genuine ones. most were just bickering, to be honest. but, just as you thought, the tension was undeniable. the feelings weren’t one sided, that was for sure.

when he caught you from falling over, you had leaned into his warmth and something almost turned in his stomach, which was quite nauseating on his side. it was annoying how fucking worked up he got around you. his mind would spin with options of what to do with you. did he want to just kiss you, fuck you or annoy you to death? he had no idea, but it was overwhelming, to say the least.

so when he invited you to his room to clean up, he wasn’t really thinking about it, because everything was happening at once. he even searched his sisters room for goddamn clothes for you.

interrupting his inner monologue, a door opened and out came your figure, except you weren’t wearing the clothes he had given you. no, you were just in your towel, actually. your skin looked slightly damp still, but your hair had been fluffed out and dried a bit from the towel.

“what are you- where are the clothes i gave you?” rafe asked, standing hesitatingly.

“dunno, wasn’t my style i guess,” you shrugged, looking around his room casually, taking in the very rafe feel it gave.

rafe just scoffed, messing his hair up and stepping closer. “well, you can’t really go out in a towel now, can you?”

this reminded you that there was still a party going on, although it was muffled and a bit quieter as people began to call it a night.

“then i won’t go out.” you stepped closer, looking up at rafe with an expression of uncertainty, trying to identify the look behind his eyes, figure out what the fuck he was up to. but you saw nothing. if anything, there were just a bit of nervousness hidden there.

“and what exactly do you plan on doing, then? since your obviously so wise.” now his guarded demeanor was back up, though he had taken a step closer so your heavy breaths were hitting each other perfectly, hands close to grazing one another’s.

“i don’t know.” then, another reminder flashed in your mind, and you looked back at rafe, “wait, why are you even here? isn’t this like- your party?”

“well, technically topper wanted a party, i wanted to go to bed and sleep for a year.” you chucked at this, figuring he had already gotten fucked up today and didn’t feel like another party. then, taking a risk, you leaned in just a bit, and rafe didn’t pull back. actually, he pushed forward, bringing his large hands to wheel around your waist, setting fire through your veins.

it was as if both of you snapped at the same time, first eyeing each others lips, then pushing forward and taking said lips between your own. the kiss was hungry and long waited, immense relief flushing through you, which took you both by surprise.

not even a few minutes of this passed by before rafe was tugging at the towel, still clinging around your naked body, droplets of water probably wetting his floor.

before letting the fabric reveal your body, rafe looked at you, pulling away for a moment and looking over your features, silently asking permission. a quick nod was all it took for the material to be ripped off and throw to the side, rafe spinning you both around until the backs of your knees hit the bed and you fell back onto the mattress.

rafe looked over you with a smirk, eyes skimming over each and every detail of your body as if savoring it. a lick of his lips was all it took for your thighs to rub together, anticipation becoming too much as you waited for him.

this obviously pissed him off, because now his hands were tearing your legs apart, exposing your bare cunt inch by inch. “don’t even try to cover this up, got it?”

his voice was demanding, and luring, enough to make you nod, eyes softening in obedience, resulting in a snicker from rafe.

he leaned back in, delving down to leave kisses along your collar bone and suck on the flesh until bruises built against your skin, making you whimper and grab his dirty blond tressed with your fingers.

the sound of your whimpers made rafe go crazy, but he tamed the need inside him long enough to work his way down your stomach, placing teasing kisses down your inner thighs, but not once touching the spot you needed the most attention in.

“please, rafe,” you pleaded, not sure where it came from but gong with it once you saw the way he looked up at you, lust blown eyes and parted lips, waiting to be against your cunt.

“please what, hm? tell me what you want me to do, baby,” rafe cooed, fingers clenching around the inside of your thighs so he could push them apart and kiss your inner thighs, resulting in your back arching and hips begging upwards.

“n-need your mouth.” your face blushed with embarrassment of having to speak the words, but rafe just tsked, one hand moving upwards as he used his thumb to draw circles around your cunt, only passing your folds, earning a cry from you.

“i need more than that, doll.”

“fuck! please, j-just need your mouth on me, rafe, need to feel your mouth on my pussy, please!”

it seems that was acceptable for rafe, his thumb pausing just above your clit, then dragging down, finally grazing over the sensitive bud and stimulating it perfectly. your hips jerked at the sensation, but you grew accustomed to the feeling once he began working in small circles.

soon, his mouth was on your cunt, tracing paths over your folds and rubbing at the nub with a flat tongue, constantly sending shivers through you as you moaned with pleasure. his hands stayed at your side, ring clad finger’s cold against your flesh as his tongue dug inside you and began fucking your hole with no remorse.

the shapes and letters his warm tongue carved into you were almost too much, and when you reached down to rake your fingers through his hair, you fought the urge to push his head down and allow him to bury himself completely between your thighs.

“f-fuck! rafe, oh god, feels so good,” you sobbed, voice becoming louder as he hummed into you, a smirk on his lips, no doubt, from seeing you fall apart for him.

rafe pulled away within a second, licking his lip and keeping his eyes on your cunt, calculating his next move. you watched as he did so, suddenly feeling exposed as he raked his eyes over the slick coating your folds and your clit throbbing painfully through them. you squirmed at the emptiness, about to squeeze your thighs together, but you were too late as rafe brought a hand up, middle and forefinger pushing through your folds and embedding themselves within your walls.

a loud gasp escaped your lips as he did so, and you bit down painfully on the cushion of them as his fingers pumped in and out of you with nonstop speed. rafe looked up at you, his own lips parted beautifully as he watched moans flow easily out of your mouth.

“you like that, baby?” came his husky voice, only intensifying your already great pleasure that ran through your body. you nodded at his inquiry, not able to form coherent thoughts under his gaze. and that was when his fingers made a hook and pressed against your most sensitive part, making you squirm.

his smirk became bigger, and his fingers fucked you harder, a desperate attempt to ruin you right there. then he was leaning down, still pumping his fingers, and began to lick your clit with fervor, flicking the bud and sucking without resistance until your thighs were clenching around his head and you were a complete moaning mess.

“oh fuck- i’m g-gonna come rafe, pleaseplease,” you begged pathetically, having no time to be embarrassed as he hummed, nodding his head while still sucking on your clit, and permitted you to let go.

the orgasm took over in a huge wave, which came surprisingly fast, and the only thing on your mind was the bubbling in your stomach that was finally freed. moans and gasps fell from your lips as you wet his tongue and fingers, and rafe didn’t let a drop go to waste as he lapped up your slick, helping to prolong your orgasm.

hands reaching for his hair in dazed motions, eyes closed and lips parted, you mumbled, “t-too much, rafe,” which was the boys que to give you a final kiss on your clit, then remove his head and fingers from your cunt.

now, rafe stared up at you, swiping a ring clad thumb over his bottom lip, which was glistening with your arousal. his thumb then moved to enter your mouth, and you dutifully took in the digit, sucking with starry eyes, and whimpering when he removed it from your grasp.

rafe rose to his full height, still in his shirt and pants, which were no doubt keeping his hard dick from standing tall. suddenly, you felt that flush arise to your cheeks from your being nude, and you bit your lip and reached a hand out to grapple at his shirt. he took this as a sign to pull the material over his head, then going in for his buckle as well. the sound of the metal clinking as he loosened it from its straps was enough to send you into a spiral of anticipation, eyeing his clothed prick impatiently.

rafe had that smirk plastered to his face still, throwing his belt aside and then his pants, making sure not to go too fast as he tormented you.

you let out a whine as he hooked his fingers around his boxers, not pulling them down fully but revealing his v line. “rafe,” you pouted, and he decided to be nice and let them fall down, now unclothed as he kicked off his shoes and settled ontop of you, marking your chest and neck immediately.

sighing with content, you held him close and let his lips suck on your flesh, until the arousal was too much and he began to grind against you, slowly. your cunt was already becoming slick again as he rubbed against your thigh.

rafe lift himself up to his knees, pumping his cock, the point of his tongue poking out from the side of his mouth in concentration. the image of your breasts on display for him, and your lips parted and chest thumping was enough to make the boy cum on the spot.

he raised a brow at you, making sure you were still okay, and once getting a quick nod, he pressed the head of his cock against your folds. in the next second, he was thrusting into you, earning a loud gasp from you, which he covered with a hand on your mouth.

“shh, ‘m gonna fuck you good, okay? just lay there and look pretty,” he teased, but you nodded, wanting nothing more than to do as he said.

the thrusts started out mild, but soon quickened tempo, hips stuttering against yours as he wrapped a hand around your leg and pulled it over his shoulder. this allowed a better angle, and you moaned with him as he repeatedly pounded into your already sensitive cunt.

you slid a hand down your bouncing breasts and stomach, then to your throbbing clit, soothing it with your gentle fingers before rafe slapped them away, as if saying “mine.”

his own hand went around your propped up leg to thumb at your clit, whilst the other made a path over your hips and breasts, fondling with the mound of flesh and pinching your nipple.

the overstimulation was rushing through you violently, his thrusts becoming sloppy, orgasm at the brink. you watched his head fly back, eyes rolling and mouth a gape, hypnotized by how pretty he looked even when he was fucking you.

“rafe,” you repeatedly mumbled, forming no other words in your clouded mind.

“hm? does it feel good? d’you like the way i fuck you, pretty girl?”

“y-yeah, so good,” you hummed, your own head rolling back onto the pillow, hips thrusting up to meet his and satisfy the hunger that once again boiled in your core.

“i’m gonna cum on your tits, are you gonna be good for me?” he said just as your orgasm was about to wash you away, and you nodded fast, once again wanting to be the best you could for him.

then, you came, waves of pleasure splashing through you before he pulled out, still thumbing your sensitive bundle of nerves, using his free hand to fist his cock which hovered over your breasts.

you held your tits in two shaky hands, squeezing them together and massaging them while rafe came, painting your breasts and stomach until he had milked out every last drop he could. he mumbled yes’s and fuck’s, along with your name until his high died down.

breathing harshly, you set ur sight to the ceiling, deep intakes of air causing the ends of rafe’s lips to turn upwards slightly. he leaned down to place one last kiss on your flushed cheek before letting himself fall onto the mattress beside you.

“let’s clean you up,” rafe said, turning to look at you, “the party’s not over yet.”

uhhhh yeah idk how i feel ab this i hope it wasn't terrible ig. reblogs appreciated :)

@o-rion-sta-r @saggyb1lls @rylynn-m @dobbysockcollection @arcaneslut @arianagreyy @el-imaskingforyourlefthand

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron smut #rafe x reader smut #rafe x reader #outer banks #outer banks smut #outer banks fic #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe cameron x you smut

[carpisuns]

New anon, but I saw the last one and I have some thoughts. Specifically, I have been obsessing over ml for the last month or so, and I’ve only seen three episodes, and they were the three released before crocoduel. And you know what? I wasn’t that into it, it wasn’t bad it just wasn’t half as engaging as fanon and fanworks have been for me.

I’ve also done this with the Magicians, Supernatural, and a couple others. I think the reason that this works, for some people, is because it is a more familiar and in many ways, easier way to discover and become attached to new material and new characters. Fan writers and artists are coming from a place of love for their source material (no matter what issues they may have with it) and that bleeds out into their work. Time is spent developing the characters and their feelings, their relationships, in ways that canon so often can’t or isn’t allowed to, and reading that, it’s very easy to fall in love with new characters very quickly. There’s also common AUs and dynamics that make it much easier to start something new.

And also: comfort characters. So many fans find common ground with characters and further project onto them, particularly in fanfic. And because of that it’s often easier to identify with a fan’s interpretation of a character than it is to identify with the canon’s, since you have these more deeply explored feelings and relationships based on a combination of canon and the personal experiences of the fan writer. Also, with these kinds of fics it’s extremely emotionally affirming since for someone who doesn’t have much of any connection with the source material, it feels like the original, even if you’re reading a large body of work by a lot of different people. And I’m so used to fanfic as a substitute for the emotional work and character development that shows/movies/books don’t have room for or aren’t willing to get into, that approaching a fandom as it’s own original piece of media in a way, feels very comforting.

That’s my perspective on it anyways, and why I do this. I do think it is a good thing to engage with the canon to an extent, even if it’s just watching a few clips (how I found ml) but I also don’t think you need any real connection or knowledge of it to be deeply invested in the fandom. Sorry, this got very long.

you know, i totally get being on, like, the fringe of fandoms and interacting with fanon to an extent without a proper investment in canon (I have a couple fandoms like that), but i honestly just can't imagine becoming super invested in a fandom when I am not invested in the source material...maybe that's just a difference between you and me, idk.

but also, i gotta admit that i'm struggling a bit to understand the reason. you yourself pointed out that fan work is enjoyable because the creator's love for canon bleeds into it. and isn't that the reason that you would want to give canon a real chance? obviously there is fan content made out of spite lol (and sadly a fair amount in this fandom), but to me most fan content is like a love letter to canon. like, "i adore this thing so much that it inspired me to create and share with other people who adore it." and what better recommendation is there than that?? i would think people would wanna familiarize themselves with canon in order to better enjoy fanon(?)

i completely understand your point about fan content delving further into characterization and relationships where canon hasn't/can't, and that is such a big appeal of fanfic/fanart. but i don't feel like that's a reason to not engage with canon? on the contrary, i feel like you are missing something important in your understanding and appreciation of that wonderful exploration if you haven't experienced firsthand the foundation that canon set. and maybe that missing thing is just your personal interpretation of a character/dynamic.

for example, i could say, "adrien agreste is this, this, and this and he would do this but not this." and of course i will think im right because my characterization is always perfect 😌sakjdfaldjks but someone else might have a slightly different interpretation, and someone else will have another interpretation, and when you mush all those individual takes on a character together, you will get a good sense of who they are, but you still don't have the Original™️ to draw your own interpretation from. idk, to me it sounds like basing your opinion of chocolate ice cream on what other people are saying about it without ever trying it yourself? ajsldakljf maybe that's an oversimplification but i do think that without experiencing it for yourself, your understanding will always be kind of incomplete.

idk, i big agree with everything you said about why fan content is special, but everything that is a point in fanon's favor is not a knock on canon. to me fan content feels pretty inseparable from canon, so it just doesn't compute to me to take canon out of the equation? then we would have nothing.

i feel like it's almost kinda trendy nowadays to be like, "oh this show actually sucks lmao but the fanon and AUs are good." like it's shameful to actually...enjoy source material? 😭 i mean i completely understand that miraculous ladybug is not gonna be everyone's cup of tea and that's fine! but if you truly enjoy the fan content that much i encourage you to give canon a real shot. it's not that surprising to me that you watched 3 recent episodes and didn't vibe that much, since you haven't seen the 3 seasons of buildup that lead to them. miraculous has a neat way of tying a bunch of things together so if you aren't familiar with all of it, you're probably missing out.

personally my love for miraculous was kind of a slowburn at first. i only started watching the show because my sister and i made a deal that forced me to watch the first few eps lol. and i didn't really vibe either. but there must have been enough of a spark there for me to keep watching bc for some reason i did and the more i watched the more i fell in love with it until it became the thing that occupies my brain more than anything else. i started with canon and then got into fanon, but it could easily go the other way too. and if you're already invested in the story and characters, i have to imagine it would be much easier to push past the initial cringe of "this is a show about a couple of teen furries rated TV-Y7 on netflix" lol and give anything you don't vibe with the benefit of the doubt.

again, to be clear, i'm not trying to judge or gatekeep here! i'm just saying this because i genuinely LOVE miraculous. it's my favorite show. that's why i make things for it. that's why i have this blog. i want people to watch it. so maybe, pwetty pwease, try watching the show you like so much? 🥺👉👈

(source bc i was too lazy to make my own so i stole this from twitter)

#anon #ask #fandom #long post

[obeiii-mee]

Hi there! Im back, tysm for doing my HC ;;/ it was super cute, i really liked Mammons and Satans!! If you dont mind if i ask for another? Hdjsks Recently, i slipped while walking home with some pals and scrapped my knee. It wasnt too bad, but it sure looked bad lmao If you can could you do HCs for the boys reacting to MC slipping and scrapping there knee while walking w them? Im sure Mammon would have a heart attack hfjd Tysm!! Keep up the good work♡

Thank you so much! I hope your knee gets better and that it wasn’t too painful! The brothers would all be panicking in their own way but I agree, Mammon would faint or something lmao.

Hope this was OK.

————————————

The Brothers with an MC who fell and scraped their knee:

Lucifer:

-It was a miracle you managed to convince him to come out on a walk with you at all

-The man doesn’t know when to take a break from his work

-He’s more likely to accept if it’s you asking tho, he has an obvious soft spot for you

-The others call him a suck up behind his back because of it

-You were so happy that you managed to pry Lucifer away from his desk, you were basically skipping alongside him

-Long story short, you tripped over your own two feet and fell

-Luckily, your knees and palms were the only things that got a bit scruffy

-Well, actually your right knee looked as if someone tried removing your entire knee cap with a scalpel, skin and all but adrenaline was kicking in and you couldn’t feel much

-You’ve never seen Lucifer freeze the way he did then

-His mind just drew a blank

-You were about to shrug it off and call it a day, get up and continue your walk but daddy Lucifer can’t have that

-He has six younger brothers (and a younger sister at some point) he is pretty experienced when it comes to treating injuries

-You aren’t walking for the rest of the day, let me make this clear

-He will carry you back to the House of Lamentation no matter how much you protest

-In case it wasn’t obvious already, Lucifer gives off massive dad vibes and now he’s bandaging your leg while you’re laying down on his bed

-While the rest of the brothers watch the two of you from behind the door frame because they are all equally worried

-Get ready for the three hour lecture coming your way

-He’s pissed and amused at the same time tbh

-Silly human, falling over like that and hurting themselves

-Lord Diavolo forbid you try to get out of that bed, he will drag you back and make sure you stay there until your knee is better (kinky)

Mammon:

-He was on his merry way to the casino to blow off all of Lucifer’s money and you tagged along solely for the purpose of making sure he didn’t spend all of Lucifer’s money

-You’d both be done for if he did

-But I guess fate really had it out for you on that day since your foot slipped on....something and you tripped

-Both of your knees looked bloody and damaged as hell but you were more irritated than anything

-Mammon on the other hand did a fucking double take and almost passed out

-He screeched his lungs out

-One look at your injured knees and he was ready to drag you all the way to the human realm on foot to find you a doctor

-“MC ARE YOU OK WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SO MUCH BLOO-HOLY SHIT STAY STILL DON’T MOVE! THE GREAT MAMMON WILL FIX THIS...SOMEHOW.”

-It was very dramatic, he cried

-You stood up to prove that you were alright because you thought he was going to have a seizure soon enough

-OK, that helped him calm down a little

-At least now he knew your legs weren’t about to get torn off and you weren’t on the verge of death

-Fuck the casino, you were going home

-Like Lucifer, don’t expect you will walk home by yourself

-He will carry you, a bit embarrassed by his initial freak out but still eyeing your wound, concerned

-As soon as you get home and the other brothers help you out because he’s shit at bandaging, he just sits in his own pool of misery and guilt

-Your poor knees wouldn’t be so jacked up if you hadn’t come along with him today

-He was so determined to make it up to you, he stayed by your bedside like a loyal puppy with a wagging tail (flashback to the animal event)

-Overall, he almost went into cardiac arrest and was too panicked to realise you were fine

-You thought he was smothering and overprotective before? Good luck for the rest of the week

Levi:

-“See, this is why I don’t like going out. There’s always some normie laying on the groun- OH MY LORD DIAVOLO, MC IS THAT YOU?? ARE YOU OK?”

-HIS HENRY ALMOST DIED ON THE NEWLY POLISHED FLOOR OF AN ANIME CONVENTION, HE HAS VERY MIXED EMOTIONS

-You fell knees first and hurt them quiet badly but you could stand, even if the pain made you twitch a little

-This confused Levi because you looked fine even though your knees certainly didn’t

-You told him you felt alright and it wasn’t that big of a deal and he absolutely rolled with it

-But you guys still went home after that

-He said it was because you bled all over your cosplay but that’s just him being a tsundere

-Levi is usually very shy when it comes to physical contact but he firmly insisted that he help you walk home

-I mean, he knows you said you were feeling OK and maybe humans just have a lot of tolerance for injuries like that

-But he still felt it was necessary that he took you home and checked out your injuries

-He kept the mood light while disinfecting you’re wound with some help from Satan by talking about how the convention went

-High low-key relieved seeing you walk around like normal two minutes after that

-He started bitching to you about how you made him miss his the event but he didn’t mean any of it

-“Stupid normie, making me miss my favourite Ruri-chan event. You’re lucky I love you and think you’re cute....did I just say that out loud??”

Satan:

-Oh dear, why would you go out for a walk in the middle of a rainstorm? What were you thinking?

-Actually, it was Satan’s idea

-He may be a demon and the prince of Wrath no less, but he is such a sappy, cheesy bastard at times

-He definitely thinks that walking and kissing in the rain is very romantic (bet he read something like that in an erotica)

-You know what’s not romantic blondie? Slipping on a very small puddle and potentially fracturing your leg

-It was just a scraped knee but you were frustrated enough to be extra

-He’s helping you up before you even have the chance to realise you fell in the first place

-Your knee was looking pretty bad so you guys went home just to avoid any further casualties

-He’s actually chuckling all the way back while you playfully glare at him because how dare he laugh at your misery?

-Date night was ruined but at least he got to take care of you

-He knew your knee must have hurt and he felt bad but he couldn’t help but giggle a bit to himself because your fall was so comical

-Ah but he does enjoy fussing over you for the rest of the night a bit too much

Asmo:

-You thought Mammon was melodramatic?

-Take a look at this fucking guy

-He actually screeches even louder than his brother and probably falls to his knees too (but not really because those pants were expensive)

-His screams definitely got the attention of at least 10 random passerbyers

-He’s actually on the verge of crying

-I mean, can you blame him?? Look at your beautiful knees!! They were ruined

-He felt so bad for you, he actually babied the hell out of you that day

-“Asmo, it’s fine. It’s just a scrap.”

-“A SCRAP, MC IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR KNEE IS ABOUT TO FALL OFF YOUR POOR SKIN-“

-It was just a scrap but Asmo’s secret talent is being extra as fuck

-He totally spilled all the tea to the rest of the brothers when he got home

-And then he ushered you into his room

-Funnily enough, he’s pretty good with injuries. Not as much as Satan and Lucifer but still

-He pampered you for the next few hours but that image of your skin being all grazed like that will forever haunt him

-How can you not be so bothered by it?? He’d die if he was in your place

-I love Asmo just because of how dramatic he is

Beel:

-Your shoelaces were undone and of course that meant a fun little trip to the floor of Hell’s Kitchen

-Beel didn’t notice you fell at first, he was concentrating on his food and assumed you were next to him

-But then he realised that you weren’t and for a moment he thought you disappeared or something

-Before he turned to find you laying on the floor, curled up because life was pain and you were suffering

-“Are you OK? Or are you just tired? Belphie does that a lot when he’s tired.” Or depressed one might say

-But for real, he’s good at identifying serious wounds and less serious wounds since he’s an athlete

-He can tell your knees were bleeding way more than they should have from just a simple scrap

-He slinged you over his shoulder and carried you, calmly, back home, with a burger still in his hand

-He’s actually really collective and talked to you while cleaning up your injury to take your mind off the pain

-He knows humans are a little more fragile than demons so even though he knows it’s not a big deal, he can’t help but worry

-It’s kinda hard falling around him tho because chances are, he will actually catch you even if he happens to hold something

-He’s sad if you’re sad so please don’t cry he will bandage your scraped knee do you want the last bit of his burger to make you feel better?

-Comfort hugs afterwards!

-Which is awesome because Beel gives out best hugs :)

Belphie:

-Ah yes, another beautiful day at RAD

-Walking alongside with your grumpy and sleepy boyfriend when a random demon bumps into you

-Wel not bumps, more like shoves you so hard you fall down and tear the fabric of your pants

-While the dude shrugs it off and speeds away

-You were a bit pissed off because rude

-But Belphie was fucking fuming

-He felt so offended on your part

-I mean, the nerve of him

-He was tired as shit but he wanted to chase after him and throw hands, possibly fill his pillow with rocks and hit him over the head with it

-He forced himself to focus on you first before hunting the moron down

-He was a bit concerned when he didn’t see you come back up after you fell

-Turns out, you scraped your knee pretty horribly and now you were bleeding all over the floor

-He’s even more quiet than usual as he helps you up and half carries you to your next class

-He starts taking care of your knee in the middle of DevilDom history he doesn’t give a flying fuck

-He’s still furious by the time he gets home and most of his brothers know to leave him be when he makes that scary ass face

-No talk to him

-He angy

-“Does your knee still hurt?”

-“A bit but it’s not-“

-“Come nap with me.”

-“Why?”

-“Naps shall cure your pain.”

-“...”

-“Nah but for real come take a nap with me.”

-Next day at school, the dude from yesterday walks by him and Belphie smashes his head against the wall

-Before walking away as if nothing happened

-I stan protective Belphie

These HCs are really bad but I love them anyway

Al~

#obey me #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me imagines #obey me leviathan #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me satan #⭐️ requests #☂️ demon brothers #🌸 comfort #💞 Protective Bois

[ratplagues]

🔥 any dishonored thing of ur choosing -deathoftheoutsider

wah okay!! i will talk a bit about the outsider and void then..i dont really wanna frame it as a Hot Take bc i have no interest in starting shit or whatever like ill interact with whatever i want to in this fandom and ignore the rest and everyone else is free to do the same but.

I do not think The Outsider is a “character” in the conventional sense, much less that it does his character or the allegory he wields any justice to be shipped with anyone in the series (at least without seriously considering the implications and framing it in a way that completes the allegory. more on this later)

the outsider and his void are an allegory for Otherness; i’m namely gonna frame it as queerness and neurodiversity, but really anything could fit as long as it’s about you feeling seen as a marginalized and othered person. he is written to represent this allegory, not to be a person with a satisfying narrative arc or dimensions. this is why some people feel that he lacks depth-- he’s not supposed to have depth compared to others in the series, he’s mostly a vehicle for what he represents, and is supposed to be easy to identify with or recognize.

he was born to a life of hardship, suffered at the hands of the rich and powerful, was ignored, cast out, etc. etc. a familiar story. poor, queer, nd, really whatever you wanna frame it as. he was a nobody outcast. in comes the envisioned, they pick him to serve as their martyr and idol without his permission. he then had his name cut away and forgotten, and was thrust onto a pedestal to spend the rest of eternity being worshipped by other outcasts who had suffered at the same hands he had. he has something greatly in common with those who worship him, including the very people who stripped his mortality from him in the first place, but because of this shared hardship (and nothing else), his own autonomous personhood was disregarded completely in favor of The Community needing someone Just Like Them to idolize. if this sounds familiar, that’s because it should!!

his humanity was taken from him, and in his place, an idol was created. his human body is frozen in stone in the center of the void-- retired. out of commission. no longer needed. he was immortalized, transcended. this is traditionally desired, although dishonored is trying to convince you that it is not actually desirable. in the age of internet content creation, you can be immortalized without even being present, without knowing about it. you become what you can do for other people, and what you cannot. people fall in love with an idea of you, the idea of you being like them, and other people come to hate you deeply without even knowing you. people came to hate the outsider more deeply than he ever had been when he was human-- he wasn’t seen when he was human. a pedestal only helps you to be seen. the outsider had the choice made for him to achieve immortality in exchange for the simple joys of being un-known.

he spends all of doto trying to convey this idea to billie through the hollows:

"There is freedom in being hated. There is license in being cast out. Some learn this lesson a little too well."  "These people lay their thoughts, their petty wants, their murderous desires in front of me to witness. I cannot turn away." "We carry what was done to us through the rest of our endless days. No one asked if we wanted it." (i like this one. he speaks for the community-- this is a shared experience, one everyone can recognize. however, as a Queer Figure, he never asked for this. he never asked to be immortalized. i like the double meaning here)

not to mention, the entire extent of the outsider’s Sole ability and influence on the real world is to “choose” people and give them untold power over others. this is a fun ironic twist on what marginalized groups endure from powerful people, (dishonored is largely about power imbalances and socioeconomic hierarchies) but it’s also fun to think about in the context of the role model/fan framing-- so many worshippers give their lives to be “chosen” by him. it’s easily framed as an exaggeration of otherwise very real power imbalances and often the flagrant breaching of boundaries existing between creators and fans.

and on the subject of the VOID...ohht he void.....

the void should be a haven for queer folks. for nd folks. it’s wanted by so many to be a safe space, it should be, it’s the Other World! it’s renounced by the abbey, crusaded against, even. but it isn’t. it’s just this limitless, eons-old horizon that hungers and starves for something to fill it. if the outsider is the lament of queer idolatry, the void is the lament of queer Hunger. it is roaming, and restless. it does not belong to the outsider; the outsider cannot survive without it. it’s the desire to belong, not a place of belonging.

the void craves this idol, this outsider-- i, for one, have often experienced hunger for a truly moral and just role model, someone to make the world Right, and i know this is another shared feeling. those who worship the outsider, who drive themselves mad trying to see him or be chosen by him, are suffering from this idol hunger. you see this in a lot of queer and nd kids and young adults. i grew up just having my life and interests like, punctuated by different fixations on different people that i didn’t know at all, only fell in love with the idea of. it happens a lot.

there’s a couple more doto quotes that really highlight this for me:

"They carve my mark into the old bones bleached by the sun. They carve my mark into their skin. They learn true hunger in the Void." "All these charms, these runes and fetid offerings on shrines made for me, will be nothing more than objects worn of meaning. Bones and dead things, thrown into the dirt."

“They learn true hunger in the Void.” is something that i wanna touch on real quick. people can spend their lives obsessing over the idea of what they think the void will cure for them, will fix in their lives, only to find out that it’s just a hollow manifestation of the emptiness they’ve felt all their lives. it’s not the needs met, but the need itself. you have to make the home, it doesn’t already exist and you can’t fucking run to it. it is heartbreaking, frustrating, one of the bleakest messages i’ve ever encountered in a game, but i’ve never felt more seen. by submitting to these ideas, the idea of a perfect unhuman human and the idea of a perfect otherworldly home, you are surrendering your humanity. you’re not only being transformed by the powers gained (if they are gained), you’re essentially dissolving with hunger after never having these needs met. you see so many people in these games whittling themselves down to nothing but base need. empty apartments occupied only by shrines, sometimes containing their corpses. journals of people dedicating their lives to the worship of the outsider, always ending darkly.  "I will find this empty place. Somehow the key to open the Void will fall into my hands. In time, I will learn the secret and he will call to me as he called to her."

not to mention The New Envisioned-- prolonged exposure to the void will always, without fail, turn a human into silver void stone. these creatures can no longer interact with or acknowledge the mortal world. they have surrendered themselves to hunger, and cannot be saved. this is celebrated by the cult, honored by them, even. i honestly like....i pity them, and i hate them, and i recognize that i’ve been those people, lmao. when i was at my worst as a teenager, i wasnt so much a person as i was just a shell full of hunger and heartbreak. my personality was defined by who i was a fan of. i think i definitely was Less Human then. the cult of the outsider is a universal experience!!

dishonored, at its core, is a celebration of humanity. it asks you to celebrate human emotion and weakness despite greed and bigotry. the powers are not to be wanted, they are to be ignored, refused. it is human to hunger, but it is Queer and Divergent to make hunger your life’s meaning, to need to learn the secret, find the key, be chosen and loved and cherished, to be made whole by some perfect thing. to find your humanity in something un-human. dishonored sees all that, mourns it with you, and then asks you to find humanity in each other !! love the spine of your lover, the blood draining down the docks, the pause to stretch languidly in the sun of a work day.

and finally...on the topic of outsider shipping....i dont think that, in his god form, it does him much justice to be shipped with anyone. he’s not much of a person, just a projection of his former self and a vehicle for his allegory as discussed-- im sure he could be shipped like this, but it just isn’t satisfying to me in any way. however, let’s talk a bit about his lethal and nonlethal ending. DOTO asks you to make a choice. is it better to give him an abrupt and merciful ending, after deciding that the fury he’s endured at the hands of others’ famine is too much trauma for any mortal to live with? or will you decide that it’s only fair to give him a chance to live the life he never got to, to return his humanity that was taken without his consent? if you choose to free him from the void, i think you can very very easily make the argument that he can be shipped with corvo, or anyone else that can easily be shipped w/ ppl. he’s finally free to live his life as a queer man, can explore the simple and complex joys of being human with other people, navigate the hills and valleys he never got to before. corvo’s just a nice pick bc 1) experienced human/inexperienced human is good, 2) they know each other, but they don’t. this is a good setup. 3) corvo is an older queer man and uhh you cant convince me otherwise lol! and older queer/younger queer is a self indulgence for me. also corvo is just nice. i think he would enjoy helping the outsider navigate his new humanity.

just some thoughts i have running through my head all hours of the day :) this is really long cuz its a combination of a lot of infodumps from discord lmfao

#m #doto #death of the outsider #dishonored #Anonymous #long post

[wxsuthorn]

a sort of organised analysis of The Gifted characters

pt. 1: Pang

(this analysis includes episodes 1-13 of season one and 1-7 of season two, so it probably isn’t completely accurate, but i tried my best. also please excuse grammar or spelling errors that i might’ve made cuz i write these late at night when my creativity sparks lmao)

Characteristics and qualities in the beginning of season 1

Even in the very first episode, Pang already showed some idealistic qualities. He always thought that the school system wasn’t fair, and he always tried doing the right thing (or what he thought was the right thing). His idealism wasn’t as extreme in the very beginning of the show, since he wasn’t as confident in his abilities. He probably didn’t have much interest in changing the school system when he (and the people around him) saw him as a dumb kid from classroom 8. Getting into the Gifted Program was what affected his idealism to the point where it became a fault.

Before he discovered his potential, he was most likely very confused about his “academic rank”. He was in classroom 8, yet he was in the Gifted Program... but he hadn’t found his potential yet. I can imagine him questioning his worth and how significant he really was; he was also one of the first kids in the gifted class to outwardly express how they felt about the unfair treatment of the ordinary students compared to the gifted students. This was probably because he got to experience both ends of the unequal treatment, unlike the rest of his gifted classmates.

In terms of intelligence, Pang is street smart. In episode one he thought of a distraction to not get caught stealing the test. He also used the egg drop parachute to save his phone. He is innovative and can create ideas and identify problems. In episode one (again), he noticed that Wave was sweating and seemed weak. He also noticed Ohm’s bloody nose and Mon moving a locker full of weights. He was aware of shit... but he’s not very aware of other people’s feelings... at least not fully.

Pang’s friendship with Nac hits different after the pangwave fight but anyways... Pang knew that he didn’t use the cheat sheet, and he couldn’t tell Nac anything about the Gifted Program, so he probably didn’t fully understand why Nac was so upset when he technically did nothing wrong. Nac even said he wasn’t upset that Pang was in the Gifted Program. I think that’s why Pang never talked it out with him and just kinda exploded at him. Even though he may see himself as empathetic, it’s really just him being idealistic. He mistakes his ideals about equality for empathy, when, in fact, those are two separate things. When it comes to individual people, I don’t think he’s very good at understanding them thoroughly enough. Nac’s reasons for being upset with Pang are realistic and valid. He’s in class 1, Pang’s in class 8, yet Pang was the one who got into the Gifted Program. Nac gave Pang a cheat sheet, and even though Pang denies using it, he couldn’t really believe that he got in with the grades he has. And on top of that, Pang doesn’t even tell him what happens in the class. Nac feels used and excluded, but Pang wasn’t paying attention to that. He ended up blaming the unfair system, which was just a factor of the conflict, but never took a moment to look at what he himself could’ve done to help the conflict, or even what he might’ve done wrong. but issokay cuz pang is a smol bean and i love him

Characteristics and qualities in the middle - the end of season 1

Lets talk about Pang discovering his potential in episode 6. He first noticed it when he told Nac to bang his head on a metal bar. This wasn’t the first time he used his potential on Nac, though. In the first episode he used it on him and said something like “don’t talk to me ever again”, and so Nac didn’t communicate with again him until episode 6. This was when Pang used his potential on him saying “why can’t we just talk it out?” and Nac was finally able to communicate his frustration. Nac was blaming Pang for shit he didn’t do and it was unreasonable, according to Pang, but Nac didn’t know the full story. If you look at the way Nac sees things: Pang is in the Gifted Program, Pang used me to get into the program (because there’s no way he just got in without using my cheat sheet), I got punished when Wave provoked me and Pang tried playing hero, as if he was some perfect angel. Pang has new friends, he has no use for me anymore, I don’t need him either, I find new friends, Pang suddenly joins in, everything goes haywire, my anger and frustration towards him explodes, and he just ignores what I’m feeling and tells me that I’m wrong and that I’m an asshole. Like I did something wrong, and he’s perfectly innocent. Lmao Nac is salty af. And he has a good reason to be. Pang doesn’t understand Nac’s thinking, and on top of that, he makes almost no effort to understand. His beliefs blind him into thinking he’s done no wrong.

Now lets talk about his actual potential, and how it affects him. His ego and self esteem rises, but Pang doesn’t notice it. It’s explained in the end of season 1 that the reason Pang lost is because he wanted to do everything on his own because he thought that only he was able to defeat the director. His ideals and his ego are very closely connected. Pang teams up with Wave because he thinks that Wave will be the most useful to stop Director Supot. Now, I don’t think Pang doesn’t care about his friends, but his actions are neglectful. When Pang teams up with Wave, he tells none of his other friends about what he’s doing. He doesn’t tell Namtaan or Ohm, literally his two closest friends, and convinces himself that he’s doing it to protect them. News flash, he isn’t. He’s trying to be a hero. His ego rapidly increasing might be because of how he was constantly ridiculed when he was in classroom 8, and suddenly he gets this power that makes him “superior” to ordinary people. Another possibility is that his ego was already big, but we he only showed it/applied it when he was trying to take down Director Supot.

Now lets talk about the season 1 finale: Pang becomes aware of his ego through the director foiling his plan and humiliating him. This is a big part of his development as a character. Ofc in season 2 he still has a problem with neglecting and doing things solo, but he become a little more aware, and for 2 whole year’s he’s able to somewhat-effectively lead the gifted gang in their fight against the anti-gifted.

Characteristics and qualities in season two (up until episode 7) 

Lets discuss: Ms Darin. aka ms loser. Remember in the beginning of episode 7 where he trusted her cuz of what she said and he noticed her actions (oop remember this trait from before? he’s aware of shit!), but it turned out it was all lies. He eventually got back on track after Third showed him the truth, and was smart enough not to trust Ms. Darin after that. I wanna guess that the reason he started trusting Ms. Darin so easily (other than what she said and did) is because he was in distress from failing Korn and Time. He needed some support, and he wouldn’t let his friends support him because “im a hero blah blah blah i dont wanna worry my friends they dont need to help me with my burdens cuz i can do it on my own :D” season 1 Pang type shit. Ms. Darin was an adult who seemed trustworthy enough, plus Director Supot was gone, and he was the main antagonist in season 1, so isn’t everything only gonna get better now that he’s gone? Plus when Grace said that he sounds like the adults lksdjlkjslfjjsdf THAT HIT ME.

Now I wanna talk about him with Chanon. I’m praying that Chanon is pure and not corrupted because if he is he might’ve used Pang and might do so in the future too... but let’s not focus on that. Pang finally has a mentor-figure in his life that he looks up. Someone to balance out his ego and show him that he can’t do everything on his own. yeah that’s all i have to say about that.

Punn. “You’re done, Pang.” Yeah lets talk about that because holy mcnuggets. Punn knows Pang well enough to know how intensely idealistic and passionate he is. Once the director is gone, Punn is like, bitch u got nothing else to obsess over MOVE ON. He’s basically saying Pang’s existence was so heavily tied with fixing the school system that when eveything’s fixed, he’ll be “done.” It’s similar to Five from the Umbrella Academy, where his whole life was set on fixing the apocalypse that he felt that life had no meaning without an apocalypse to prevent.

Now let’s talk about PangWave... I truly believe that Pang sees Wave as his equal, as his friend, and as a person whom he cares for deeply. His ego and idealism, topped with all the stress he’s going through (by himself), are dangerous towards his relationships. Wave feels used by Pang, and explains how Pang only comes to him when he needs his help, and avoids him when he disagrees with what Pang thinks. Pang is so fixated on his ideals and beliefs that he will do anything to make sure they become a reality. He’s obsessed, and it’s sooooo bad for his relationships with others. It shows that even on Namtaan’s bday, he can only think about “doing the right thing”, because that’s his number 1 priority. PANG JUST GIVE URSELF A BREAK PLEASE TAKE A METAL HEALTH DAY JUST SLKJFLSDKJJD MEDITATE OR SMTH.

I could type for several hours longer but I think this is enough word vomit for this post.

Summary

- VERY IDEALISTIC !!!! TO A FAULT

- He has somewhat of an inflated ego, but uses his ideals and beliefs to cover it up and convince himself that he is a “good person”

- He overworks his brain by never thinking of himself or other people’s emotions and focuses on his idealistic goals and his idealistic goals ONLY.

- He’s very aware of the things’s around him, and is street smart, but he’s not as aware when it comes to other people’s feelings and thoughts.

- He cares for his friends, but his extreme idealism ends up hurting them, and in turn hurting himself and further encouraging him to self-isolate.

- Independent, but this is mostly due to him thinking that he can handle problems on his own and he doesn’t want to get others involved.

- He is becoming more aware of his wrong actions, hence him apologising to Wave about going after Korn without him, but not enough to actually prevent these wrong actions.

- didn’t talk about this much but GUILT!!! I can tell that he feels immense guilt (especially in the latest episodes) whenever one of his friends get hurt and he’s very involved in what got them hurt. However, when it comes to hurting people emotionally, his guilt is tricky to read. At least for me it is lmao. Cuz he doesn’t always fully understand his friends’ feelings because he can’t always admit that he’s done something wrong, but with the recent pangwave fight he definitely felt some type of guilt there. Or maybe it was frustration? idk skjdflajsdfl someone else step in on this one pls

- He needs rest and a mental break. And some therapy maybe? Like please can one caring adult help this poor child.

- His character is actually pretty consistent wow the writing in this show is great.

- a cute boi who needs a hug. Preferably from Wave and/or Ohm.

#the gifted graduation #tgg #tgg spoilers #the gifted #the gifted series #nanon korapat #pangwave #the gifted pang #character analysis #pang character analysis #the gifted character analysis

[freezinglemur]

Oki in the main timeline of mi aus where the Tree makes a hero which has all of the colorz. All is fine and dandy until the first gray shape is born lmao and like, he's like, "Why can't I do beat magic??????" 

And shapes r like "but you can" but its just natural magic and not beat magic becuz anyone can do natural magic but the gray shape can't do beat magic but everyone else can so he gets jealous but even the hero can't find a way to give them beat magic(cuz hes gray) so he decides that "if they can't give me beat magic maybe I can make my own" and goes on to experiemence with shards and colorz and basically finds a color that like, can override a color, its a rather specific shade of pink lmao and decided he should like, test it with himself, 

AND BAM

PINK

Was excited and showed everyone at his village that he can do beat magic now but ppl were scared cuz overriding a color is like

Something that never happened b4 and now the village ppl r scared, they like banished the gra- PINK shape out of the village and all that pizzaz, and like Corru(the pink shape) got angy and decided revenge at the village that basically escalated(due to the emotion amplifying effect of being pink has) to like, having almost all of the shapes and plants moving islands or like hiding in caves and stuff,

Okay okay so Corru basically took the tree shattered the hero shape, destroyed the village, and basically corrupted everyone

After finding out that some shapes escaped he got mad and decided that maybe he should like corrupt everyone and shit, some pink guys lose control btw and some of them r practically the same person but pink

This lasted like

A bunch of years(like 200-600 years?)

But Like during those years even if the tree is separated it chose the next protectors of it gvjdsgdsbva

And like BAM 

Chronos, Milky Ways and Logic Gatekeeper! (not their original names lmao) Guardians have specific power stuff instead of colors, like Time, Space and Mind gjdfshkjfdkh

And fgkf they fought Corru and seal him away IN the TREE with THEM to make SURE they WOULDNT ESCAPE :]

Which works lmao Corru cant escape the tree hahaha

And hes angy that his powers r like locked to a good exteny lmao and is only Lil used to train heroes cuz weakened powers= fight baby, which he do not like cuz he want 2 win and not loose, 

So he decides another plan to like have someone else corrupt paradise 4 him and basically made a shard of all his powerz, its very concentrated lmao, and while Tria and Pents were being made he like, snuck out the shard and hopes it finds a guy who can spread it

B

B

B

Blixer

14 years old

Island: Florentis

Color: Gray

Type: Cat-shape Mountain Bush Hybrid

jgdjtsjtwhtstwafhfhfhJgsahhahahahhahahaaha-

Blixer wandered into the forest , he was planning to play his guitar in a hidden clearing he found, but he found something else, something bright, something loud, something… Powerful

He's scared what is this, what danger is this that even I'm scared? One who cannot be affected by such kind of magic scared of it? It floated- ZIPPED through the air even- like a little beam and stabbed Blixer right in the eye

Jwrwhalgdahsgsgkkgs

Then he woke up somewhere else, lol, gray shapes can't be hurt by beat magic cuz they just absorb it, the only for a gray to corrupt is to use a corrupted treeangle shard, becuz gray shapes don't have access to the magic becuz they don't have color, to use beat magic- which is a special hard light magic that can only be summoned with sound AND light- and gray shapes don't have enough of that light(color) to be able to use it,

Ueurajwkkstktsfka

And then like he doesn't remember where or who he is lmao, only info was this name scratched on the guitar he has which is Blixer, to be specific they don't rember who they are, how old is he, where he came from, and where he is now, he can remember some skills tho, and some info too

They're in Paradise btw

Now basically he went to a town, named Arce, now this town don't like corrupted shapes cuz they think its VERY dangerous, Blixer came in town not knowing of this fact and got chased of out of town, found a cave and started living there, for like, a bunch of years, like 5 years i think? 

Stole some clothes from time-to-time cuz clother were getting small, and learned how to survive on his own 😔 , planned revenge at the town cuz AMD and scared and that town was his like target of hatred, and like trained with powers and stuff, found out he can corrupt stuff too, which is not possible for pink shapes, the Guardians in the tree found out the Corru got someone corrupted with a big chunk of his power and decided to make another hero to stop who ever he corrupted

Square

After fighting the Guardians the Guardians found the shape that got corrupted and made him as the final trial before getting out of the tree

Blixer was lucid dreaming during the fight becuz it happened while he was asleep

Cube was like, just moved into Acre just a month ago and found a small cyan shard, usually you see shards as what color you are, but a hero's shard is what color they would be once they form, the first hero was different becuz it didn't need a caretaker to exist, while next following heroes needed one becuz having caretakers limits the hero's existence to keep in check on how many there are

A hero's existence normally lasts as long as its caretaker

SQUARE CAME INTO EXISTENCE BAM

Cube now has acquired child, And like Square followed Cube becuz okay Ur my caretaker now

And they got into this cave and found a Gray plant :]

Square was gonna give them a shard as a gift cuz u know, gifts, and Blixer identified Square and and then the game plot stuff happened

1/?? Might not know when i send the rest but im still doing it :]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ohhhh this is so ebic!! :D

This lore gives me life! Many thanks for sharing, I look forward to whenever the next bit may be sent :]

#submission #Lore #This is so cool! #I very much like n' approve :>

[your-ace-cousin-clover]

hey, it's been a while!

sorry for taking eons to reply, i've just sort of spiralled into a mild drinking problem :/ (no big deal, just made me forget to reply lol)

anyway, i added big eden to my watchlist & i read your food poem recs (especially liked the orange by wendy cope), but i'm a little too tired to go into it in depth rn

(my pronouns are he/him btw, think you asked about that in the last reply?)

& i would absolutely love to do another poetry swap. one prompt i think would be cool to give you is part of that one astronomy headline?

astronomers say they have heard the sound of a black hole singing

and what it is singing

and perhaps has been singing for more than 2 billion years, they say

so, if you're still up for a poetry swap, drop a prompt :)

on the topic of succession; i do like tomgreg, but i think i'm more into kendall & stewie as a ship because it hits closer to home lmao

hope to hear from u soon

- cat anon

Ayy Cat! <3

I'm so glad to hear from you! It was kinda funny cause the day I got this in my inbox, I was thinking about you and wondering if you were doing good! Well, I hope your drinking problem eases out and you recover well from it.

And it's chill. I like hearing from you, so it's fine not to do indepth with every poem that you share with me! As much as I like hearing your thoughts on them, I also appreciate the fact that you read the stuff I recommend and you like em!

[Thank you for the pronouns, btw! I did ask for them last time]

And ahhhh, I'd love writing a poem on the lines given, they are so poetic on their own that it's just nuts. I do have an idea in mind. I guess I'll just put "for cat anon" on the poem so you can identify it? It'll work well that way.

So uhh, for my prompt, it's going to be a German saying which is "Man sieht sich im leben immer zweimal" or in English, "You always meet twice in life." For me, it's a saying that reduces the stings of leaving someone because you will meet them again in your life, knowingly or unknowingly. Look forward to what you make of it!

And yess, Stendall is good! I read like one fic and lost it cause man, very good! But, I'm a big Tomgreg person, idk why, maybe it has a bit more softer moments than Stendall or other ships like apart from the Roys? They genuinely enjoy each other's company.

And finally, something that prompted me to finish writing this reply were a few lines that I feel you'd think are poetic as well as very emotive:

"People who didn’t live pre-Internet can’t grasp how devoid of ideas life in my hometown was. The only bookstores sold Bibles the size of coffee tables and dashboard Virgin Marys that glowed in the dark. I stopped in the middle of the SAT to memorize a poem, because I thought, This is a great work of art and I’ll never see it again."

It's from an interview called "Mary Karr, The Art of Memoir No. 1" interviewed by Amanda Fortini. I saw it from a Destiel art piece today.

And with that, I look forward to hearing from you soon!!! Stay well :)

#Cat Anon #Clover Speaks #Poetry

[girl4pay]

oh my god the way mstief wrote adam's anger really bothers me too, especially because gansey's and ronan's anger is never really demonized like that?? ronan's anger is usually portrayed a fun or dramatic and gansey's anger is almost always justified even when it shouldn't be. abuse victims are allowed to be angry and just because we get angry with people and frustrated doesn't mean we are evil! especially like if we are angry with how someone is treating us we deserve to feel angry about that and express frustration about that because often we have never been in positions to do so before!!! as someone who frequently worries about how mean I am (to the point that it ends up with me actually not voicing how I feel in situations where I am treated unfairly) it is super frustrating to see how so much of adam's anger is treated as unjustified or excessively cruel. we don't need narratives to tell us our anger is evil when so many of us often already feel like that.

YEP like the in-book analysis of adam’s anger feels so half baked tbh the conclusion it comes to is the way i felt about my anger when i was like 16 and alone and had never been to therapy and like honestly didn’t even know how to identify what emotions i was feeling which like as you can imagine. a very underdeveloped take. like the fact that adam’s anger is accepted-ONLY when it’s on behalf of other people, like being mad/worried at gansey for running off or mad/worried at ronan for risking his life. that’s such a victim blaming mindset of like you can’t be angry on your own behalf, because then you are Just As Bad. meanwhile ronan’s anger is celebrated as a form of expression that never is apologized for even when it manifests as violence and gansey’s anger is presented as another reason to sympathize with him, even though his anger is the most frequently Actually Manipulative in the series. also slightly unrelated but the number of times blue’s very valid anger is just dismissed and the ONLY person taken to task for that throughout the series is adam sjdhdhssjsjshshshs...and dont get me wrong thats a GOOD thing that he is but like why are these trust fund pixie dream boys not held to the same standards of growth and accountability, by author OR readers? im going to start shit here but like ive always said it and i always will the reason i dislike gansey is he undergoes zero actual character growth throughout the whole series, and i like aspects of ronan’s arc but the same lack of accountability applies to him. like i LIVE for the moment when adam is like damn i was being a dick and blue is like yeah you fucking were bcus that lets their friendship move on instead of blue having to bite her tongue and appease a boy just because he’s her true love or whatever lmao. as always with trc there are great solid interesting ideas and then ultimately very disappointing followthrough. anyway i’ll be mad about the court scene and the post hospital scene and the scene where gansey tells adam not to hurt ronan for years 2 come and i MIGHT even gasp horror kick over a cardboard box about it so there. also literally same @ the fear of being mean like survivors do so much work to move past that shit and to stop it at ‘oh im not going to be an abuser’ and never reach ‘im actually going to fully heal and love myself and not demonise my emotions’ is such a disservice to a character AND to readers who are drawn to your work bcus of that character hoping to see their journey reflected in him

#trc

[bacchilles]

1, 5, 12? ;^)

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

ohhh hh h man list time bay bee

percy jackson (book); these books are the core of my personality. if you peeled my psyche apart like an onion this would be the center skljfsdhjk

the song of achilles (book); i’m not saying achilles and patroclus invented love because greek men don’t deserve rights but also achilles and patroclus invented love and also i’ve thought about this book every single day of my life for the past ~5 years

all time low (band); they sound like my high school experience, especially the album The Party Scene and the songs Six Feet Under the Stars, Vegas, We Say Summer, Afterglow, Weightless, Therapy, and Last Young Renegade. i’m also very attached to Some Kind of Disaster, Sleeping In, Melancholy Kaleidoscope, and Trouble Is from their latest album!

miss atomic bomb by the killers (song); this has been on my spotify wrapped for like four years or something. definitely one of my favorite songs in the world

schitt’s creek (show): david and patrick really fucked me up. I listened to simply the best nonstop for like two months last year and every time I had to hold back tears because emotional baby boy emotional man

epic III from hadestown off-broadway (song, but really the whole musical); orpheus in this specific production is my dream role and this is my favorite song from it. the myth of orpheus and eurydice is also one of my favorite stories of all time. 

bacchae by euripides, trans. Anne Carson (book); this is my favorite greek tragedy and I hope to do my own translation and/or direct a production of it one day if I ever get good enough at greek!!

les mis (musical/movie); one of my favorite musicals, I’ve been a fan since the movie came out in 2012 but now i’m like . really into it. i love the story and the message and the characters and the music and really just everything about it

psych (show); shawn spencer is to me as his dad is to my dad. anyways,

dirk gently’s holistic detective agency (show); absolutely LOVE the energy in this show and i wish i could be as feral/have as many cool jackets as dirk or amanda but realistically im probably more like todd. one of my favorite shows on earth even though it got cancelled after season 2 :(

new girl (show); i’ve been in love with nick miller for years lmao. anyways this and psych are my comfort shows!! light-hearted feel good fun 4 all

my brother, my brother, and me (podcast); i listened to mbmbam pretty much every day for 2 or 3 years straight, and while I’m super behind now, it’s one of those things that I can come back to after a while and still absolutely love. same with the adventure zone!

chinese satellite by phoebe bridgers (song); sums up a lot of my feelings towards religion. also one of my go-tos for mental breakdowns along with Moon Song, Garden Song, ICU, and You Missed My Heart

there are probably more things that could be added but I’ll leave it there!!

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

I think of myself as a human being but aspire to be a human doing. I don’t feel like I do enough, and while I know that my worth as a person is not defined by my productivity, I’d like to feel like I’m spending my time in a worthwhile way. I’ve started writing more recently, and while I’m not very good at finishing things I start, I’m feeling at least a little more like I have something to contribute to the world beyond just consuming it.

12. dog person or cat person?

oh man like . i feel like i have to say dog because i grew up with dogs and have never owned a cat since my dad and I are both allergic but every time I meet a cat i’m absolutely smitten while boy howdy . i have met Some Dogs. also I like that cats are more chill than dogs since I’m not a super active person and probably wouldn’t do well trying to take care of an animal that needs constant exercise.

aaaaaa thank you miles!!! now GO TO BED FOOL <33

ask me identity questions !

[chikkou]

I'm not sure if you've been asked this already, but I finished death note today and I was wondering about your opinion of Misa? since you give her so much love

this is a very fun and sexy question and i thank u for asking it! (im also gonna answer it publicly, i hope u dont mind)

the short version of how i feel about misa is, essentially, that she is THE most important character in the story, bar none.

firstly, she possesses a level of social awareness and people skills/emotional intelligence that light simply does not have. he looks the part, sure, and he does have a certain level of charisma, but his interactions with other people - especially people he considers “lesser,” which is pretty much everyone for mister god complex - are stilted and awkward, meaning that no one ever fully trusts him. for example, the only reason misora was bested by him (in-universe, anyway) was due to his connection to L, someone she DOES trust - she knew that light was off somehow and even gave him a false name at first to protect herself. in a more meta sense, it was shitty writing on ohbas part since it was basically a crap excuse to get her out of the story, as i think everyone knows that misora wouldve solved the case in 2 seconds had she been allowed to live.

misa, on the other hand, is VERY easy to trust, because everyone she encounters underestimates her. its easy to see why - shes ditzy, not very book smart, obsessive of light, and overall pretty flighty. but her initial conversation with light and her manipulation of higuchi later on make it very clear that she isnt really like that. she knows how people view her and uses that to her advantage. she messes things up for the detectives on purpose and uses her “brainless celebrity” persona to justify it. but working as the second kira, her actions are completely calculated and well thought out.

to circle back to why shes the most important character, its pretty simple - if she hadnt come in when she did and killed ukita, light would have gotten caught right away. its that simple. L already knew light was the killer, and only had to gather the evidence to prove it before arresting him, which he was already on his way to doing (due to the murder of lind l taylor isolating him as living in kanto, his intimate knowledge of the criminals in custody identifying him as someone with ties to the police department, and his “killing schedule” identifying him as a student). misa coming in and killing ukita without knowing his name and in such a public, messy way was actually a massive boon to light, as it threw the detectives off his trail long enough that L was no longer able to act using the same information as before. in spite of that, no credit is given to misa for basically allowing the series to happen, and she tends to be cast to the wayside by fans because of it

this is an overarching problem with ohba as a writer. its well known that death note has absolutely ABHORRENT writing for its women characters, and is just deeply misogynist in its content. although misa is basically indispensable as a character, shes treated as superfluous due to ohbas views on women, similarly to takada (who, in fairness, is much less important to the story than misa) and misora, both intelligent characters in their own right who instead get pigeonholed into their connections to some of the male characters. but instead, shes one of the most interesting characters in the entire story, with a backstory that actually explains why she’d want to work with someone like kira and a personality that makes her much more sympathetic than light as a main character. instead, she gets delegated to “gothic lolita eyecandy”. 

the anime adaptation tried a bit harder to rectify that by making misa more classically troubled and sad, like with the addition of her song showing her doubts about light, but the manga really couldnt decide what kind of personality they wanted her to have. they flipflopped between useless ditz misa and cold calculated killer misa (one of my favorite misas by the way) so often that its clear they couldnt figure out what to do with her. she had such an incredible amount of potential to be the storys breakout character due to her subtle influence on everything, but ohba hates women so much that all potential for it was completely squandered! it infuriates me to this day and i will never forgive death note for how it treated misa. ok thats it LMAO

tl;dr misa good

#anya's replies #lehamite

[normal-thoughts-official]

Do u think magnus's character has any flaw? Like something that u don't like about him? Your least favourite thing about him?

daiudhsaiudhaisdsajdsa i swear to god pasta, if i didn’t know that this was you i’d have thought that this was bait

anyway, alright, imma start this one by saying that i don’t think of “flaws” in a, like, maniqueist sense of the word, if that makes sense. a “flaw” to me doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, nor is it something that is your fault, in the christian guilt sense of the word. you know? so i just want to make that clear, i’m not condemning magnus for anything here. so i’m taking “flaw” here to mean common behaviors or personality traits that hurt others, your relationship with others, or yourself

so in that sense, i think that magnus’ greatest flaw is his struggle to communicate honestly

again, i’m not condemning him. hell, i identify with him a lot. throughout the whole story, we see magnus faking smiles, saying that it’s okay, that he’s not upset, trying to hide how he feels. he lied to alec about being alright with the loss of magic, he didn’t want alec to know about his past, he constantly pushed himself beyond his limit, almost depleted his magic a thousand times, etc. he always tried to hide when he was feeling unwell, and he struggled a lot with communicating what he wanted, what he didn’t want, what he could and couldn’t do, what his limits were

and that hurts his relationship with others, as well as himself, a lot, so i consider that his greatest flaw in that sense. i mean, it’s not like he’s that great of a liar, alec is just a dumb bitch and i remember tearing my goddamn hair out at how blind he was, but still, it’s hard to guess when you are still navigating your first relationship and you haven’t known each other for very long. and things could have been a lot smoother for the both of them if magnus didn’t struggle so much with opening up

one more time in case it wasn’t clear: I’M NOT SAYING IT WAS HIS FAULT. at this point we all know that magnus does that as both a result of his abuse, be it from Camille, Asmodeus, or the shadowhunters in general - whom all taught him that his needs weren’t important and pushed him until well beyond his physical and emotional limits, wore him out, tore him down, and built that as the default, as Magnus’ normal - and a defense mechanism (because if he’s not vulnerable, he can’t be hurt; if he doesn’t open up about the sides of himself that he doesn’t like, about his imperfections, his fears, and everything that might make him difficult to be with, maybe people will like him, and he doesn’t want to be alone). so saying that this makes magnus a bad person, or a liar, or a bad partner, or whatever, is just ridiculous. especially because the person most hurt by this tendency of magnus’ is himself. he hurts himself and puts his own wellbeing on the line constantly, he hides and he feels alone and like no one will understand him. he struggles to form close relationships because he never opens up, and he doesn’t get the emotional support that he craves because he can’t allow himself to let the weight off his own shoulders. and it hurts his relationship(s) (because obviously this is not just about his relationship with alec, it’s also about his relationship with Raphael, whom he’s always taking care of but rarely lets him do it back even when he wants to, whom he’s always protecting but can’t be fully honest about his fears with; with Catarina, with Ragnor, with Dot, with basically everyone close to him, because he has unlearnt how to let people give back to him. and that also means that he gets into a lot of bad relationships - romantic, friendly, or even just working relationships - because if the other person isn’t interested in reciprocating, well. they just won’t and magnus will take it), because people feel like he doesn’t trust them, or end up hurting him unknowingly, or struggle to know where the limits lie even when they want to respect them, because it’s kind of trial and error until you learn his telltale signs 

so, yeah. that’d definitely be my #1 priority for him to work out in therapy lmao just. relearning to trust and to be honest and to listen to his own needs (because i do get the feeling that, after so long, he’s kind of unable to realize when he’s pushing himself too far until he’s too exhausted to keep going. and that doesn’t only apply to his magic and his work, but also to things like realizing that small things upset or hurt him, or that maybe he’s too tired to deal with a certain problem right now, or to ask for help or even a shoulder to cry on when he’s sad) and express them. and then learn to not take anything less than reciprocity. to put his own needs beside the needs of others, not behind, to let others care for him too. let magnus bane go to therapy 20forever

im not sure if that answers ur question since u said something that i dont like about him, which i think there isn’t really lmao but that’s definitely something that he needs to work on, for his own good above anything else

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