#idk part of the reason i feel like i’m so boring is bc i don’t think i’ve had the breathing space or energy

[aqricus]

i’ve decided that the day i’m able to look at my work and wholeheartedly consider myself a good writer for longer than just a couple days, i’m deactivating. that sounds like a solid plan to me.

#it’s so odd. like i know part of the reason i don’t like it is bc it’s my own work #but another part of me just. idk 🤔 i’m just never satisfied with it #if i use detail then it feels rly slow and boring but if i DONT use detail it feels choppy and awkward and i wanna scream #but im not too discouraged or anything!! it’s just an observation i’ve made. i feel like a good number of people can relate to disliking #smth bc it’s yours #anyways back to sleep

[ikkosu]

PROWL HEADCANNONS

a/n: prowl on 'how he'd fall for you' headcannons because I’m bored and I love this war criminal to bits. (human gn.reader btw) warnings : just me rambling about prowl. might make part two of this idk.

I feel like prowl wouldn’t be the type to seek out someone; the only reason he’ll fall in love with you ( or in his case, have an illogical, spur of the moment, chemical reaction) is because you’ve been working him long enough to understand how his mind works

you’re gonna have to be the calm type, smart enough to know he’s off his rockers — since you’re going to have to tolerate him, anyway

or dumb enoug you don’t know wtf’s going on half of the time and just,,,supports what he does — he keeps you around for that

either ways, you're only there because the high council needs someone to keep tabs on prowl. in case he gets bored and decides to scheme another conspiracy to overthrow the government

(an exaggerated bias, as he'd say)

dumb is like his emotional support golden retriever, and calm is also the same, except less rowdy and just stares into his soul when he fucks up. But he stares back though and you're not one to give up either (in the end he does)

(Trope dynamics of loud dumb x smart and internally seething calm x smart is what I’m thinking lol)

calm would be someone in the science field or in the medical field, sassy, knows a lot (because if you’re going to lose your shit, it’s likely you’re never going to win an argument against him so = logical sympathetic + done w/ his shit + I stick around bc I care )

and for dumb loud would be someone in his profession, like buddy buddy cop + someone that just tags along because, hey, you like pissing him off

‘in both cases, if he falls for you it’s either because (for internally seething calm) you’ve managed to sooth him down from another temper tantrum or understand how he feels, in a way.

[i]

it’s not his usual tantrum, he’s a lot more emotional today and you’re incredibly concerned. this is prowl of all people! what’s got him so worked up? he's the least logical when he thinks someone's about to betray him

you notice the whispers as you saunter along the halls, everyone passing their remarks about the earlier supposed argument between the autobot SIC and his commander

brother was going off on the walls of his office when you slip in, punching holes, flipping tables — lotsa tables — and datapads were strewn across the floor, stylus pens cluttering about. it’s a barren hell hole. more barren than clemency combined

all this you’re not so interested in, it’s a normal thing, a three to four stage process : you’ll listen as he rants. you’ll nod and slowly, not so subtly in his peripheral, coax him to sit on the couch as you fix up the place.

"His perception of justice is too idealistic!" He chuffs and you'd reply “Oh? Optimus is not taking your advice again? I thought he’s a lot more understanding…”

something like that

today, however,

The moment you slinked inside the room, swiftly locking the door, you're greeted with his back is turned, helm hunching over his taut shoulders

your gaze swivelled from the upturned tables to the mess around and it's only then you notice energon plinking down to the puddle on the floor then energon seeping from the crevices of his fist.

Your eyes find the similar smear on the wall, then to the glass shards of a fractured cup on the floor, glinting

he’s bleeding

your medical instincts take reign, voice soft with concern.

“prowl—“

“don’t touch me.” He reels away.

His vents are shuddering, a staticky sporadic bursts of chuffs. He’s not breathing well, much too fueled by his own anger, his optics dart around the place, unable to focus, jittery and restless.

he paces around the room, servos unable to still

you know that hopeless feeling. The desire to do something , anything, but rooted at the inability to do so purges all instincts

you inch closer, palms up placatingly, treading on a light rake of glass. “It’s alright. Breathe. think about your three senses—"

“I said don’t touch me.’’ his voice is louder, more defensive, the kind you see a lot given you're his partner and the fact not all his propositions weren't taken so well. you can guess that's what happened today, or an altercation he's taken a lot too personally.

"I won't. I just want to see your wound."

"Its nothing. I said leave." his door wings flare up, a prey cornered with no where to go, lashing out as its last primal instinct to survive

pity spools into your chest

"it's alright, prowl. It's just me." you're halfway close and he backs up against the wall. "Let's talk like we always do, hm? Talk to let out some steam. Talk about what happened this morning or we can talk about something else."

"you don't understand." his voice wavers off a little, still having that tinge of sharpness yet it's loosing it's edge. his optics fail to meet yours. It's lodged to your feet. somewhere there. he's never been this vulnerable

"I won't have to understand." You say, and your hand curls experimentally over his own, testing to see if he'd lash out

When he didn't you intertwine you hands with his, easing down the stress of his knuckles. "You don't have to tell me anything. Just let me see your hands. I'll leave after once I fix everything up."

A moment — a beat; he relents.

Or more accurately, he's reeled silent as you tow him to the couch, clutching an ivory medical kit in the other hand.

With his servos on your knee, you work delicately, picking the fractured shards from the crevices of his digits that were lodged deep into the cords

His expression doesn't betray much pain plaguing his face with the usual pinched, dour look as he gazes outside the window. Though, he tenses up when you'd come across a deeper wound

then something hard on your shoulder startled you. You blink when you feel the crook of his nose nestle your shoulder blades. he's never been this affectionate and while you prefer to assault him with all kinds of question, you chose not to

It's like handling a startled cat; you're afraid of overwhelming him in case he'd draw back again. So you follow along, leaning a bit back so he's neck is comfortable with the bend.

The white bandages were purged a purple mauve when you roll the fabric around his digits, tying the loose ends with a dainty little bow.

You fix up the kit, his head still on your shoulder and you were about to leave when something grasps your sleeves. It's a tight clutch, digits curling around the fabric.

Prowl's now staring at the ground, any emotion on his face is imperceptible. Later punctuated by a remark, soft yet demanding, he uttered :

"stay."

#prowl x reader #transformers #maccadam #transformers x reader #transformers idw #idw prowl #prowl #prowl idw x reader #idw prowl x reader #mtmte prowl

[polyamorousmood]

stupid question but is it weird and creepy and fetishizing to like the fact that my girlfriend is dating other people even though i’m not polyam? i just think it’s really cute to see her with her other partners but im worried im being weird so i don’t say anything and now im worried ive given her the wrong impression bc she doesn’t seem to mention her other partners or be as affectionate with them around me any more and i don’t want that? idk.

So like. There definitively is a fetish for that. Its called cuckholding. And if you're getting off sexually to the idea of your partner with other people, there's nothing wrong with that.

But based only on what you told me, which did not mention you being sexual about it, and did not mention you doing anything that might be construed as overstepping... sounds you're just a supportive partner. Which is a good thing? The weirdest part to me is that you don't want your partner to know how supportive you are. Like just think about it for a second. If your partner took an interest in, I don't know, opera singing 🎶, and you've never given a shit about the opera and in fact think it sounds kind of boring, but were supportive of your partner giving it a try... you wouldn't hide your support. You wouldn't be like "I better not offer to drive her to rehearsals,😓 what if she thinks I like the opera now for dropping her off and not even seeing/hearing it!" You'd be like "break a leg, babe! I'll see you in a few hours!"

I'm not saying its impossible to be into it in a way that makes your partner uncomfortable for some reason, but the chances of that are pretty damn low 🤏in my experience. You should be telling your partner how you feel! Is that not the point of being in a relationship! To share your joys! I think she'll be thrilled you're so happy about it. And by the way, there's a word for being happy for your partner, too. Its compersion and its a beautiful thing! Quit inventing problems and go love your girlfriend!

#ask box is always open #there are no stupid questions! but for the love of god tell your girlfriend when she brings you joy! #all this said with love 💗I know this is probably new territory for you and that can be scary! #you'll find your way. and it will include telling your gf you're happy for her #poly relationship advice

[direct0rhutao]

hello everyone welcome back to my youtube channel my tumblr blog and today we’re going to be roasting the interior design choices of enstars idols. bc i was looking at the starmony dorm cgs on the wiki for certain reasons and the closer i looked at them the more i was like. why do they look like that.

tldr the starmony dorm rooms are interior design nightmares

mika ritsu dorm: actually this is one of the most decent dorms in terms of aethestics and how well they match the people in the room. mika has plushies on his nightstand! so cute!! ritsu has a goth looking bed with a thing at the end that my common sense says is probably a pillow but my eyes say is a very small coffin! huh!

wataru sora subaru madara dorm: why would you put a cactus right next to the foot of a bed that is an accident waiting to happen. whose bed even is that. idk whose bed is whose in this room

himeru arashi tetora dorm: sorry but arashi’s and tetora’s beds being next to each other is so funny. i like the flower vase and i think the frames arashi put up are cute. i think tetora’s gym equipment smells very strongly of sweat and i think arashi’s solution to this would be to constantly spray perfume at the room. every day himeru wakes up and is assaulted by Odors

mayoi tomoya dorm: what is that one bar above mayoi’s bed for. but other than that mayoi has pretty good taste his bed looks cool. tomoya’s bed is way more “normal” but still looks nicer that some of the other beds we’ll see later

tatsumi koga dorm: why is there a motorcycle in the frame on the wall. what is that ornament on the other wall and why does it look like a sun. why does this room look like the kind of fake model “bedroom” you find in a furniture store

jun kohaku dorm: this room probably also smells like sweat but unfortunately i don’t think kohaku has that much perfume or room spray on hand. also i think one of these days jun’s post-workout selfie mirror will fall over and break and jun will cry

yuzuru tori dorm: what are the round things on the walls next to tori’s bed. are they nightlights. does tori still need nightlights. why doesn’t tori get himself the cutesy nightlights that are shaped like stars and clouds and stuff instead of those things that make the walls look like they have pimples

kaoru nagisa yuta dorm: i think yuta’s bed is the blue one bc it looks a bit like hinata’s but the other two beds look like something you’d find in a 3 star hotel. no personality whatsoever. what’s with the abstract splotch art on the wall. nagisa is part of one of the Big Three units of ES so he should be paid well he can definitely afford some nicer decorations like a large chart illustrating the differences between igneous sedimentary and metamorphic rocks or smth. i do feel like nagisa chose the beanbags that look like rocks tho.. theyre the only saving grace of this room so good job nagisa

keito hajime hokuto dorm: we still don’t know what this one looks like at all.. i think keito’s bed is Boring, hajime’s bed has cute bedsheets in calming pastel colors, and hokuto’s bed has matching bedsheets and pillows in tasteful shades of blue. the rest of trickstar helped pick these bc hokuto’s parents sent him a matching set of bedding with HIDAKA HOKUTO embroidered in gold thread on everything as a “moving-out gift” and hokuto was mortified and shoved them under his bed never again to see the light of day

ibara tsumugi midori mitsuru dorm: midori’s and mitsuru’s beds are cute. i love midori’s vegetable plushies and mitsuru’s bread pillows. ibara and tsumugi’s beds look miserable and devoid of personality, perhaps representing their owners’ mental anguish and despair. and since they have no other large pieces of furniture aside from the beds this room also looks a bit like a showroom in a mattress store

makoto adonis chiaki dorm: i’m guessing chiaki’s bed is the one with bright posters above it, makoto’s bed is the one with the post its and other posters above it, and adonis’s bed is the one with the snuggly blanket with the lovely pattern. they also have a nice long couch, a tv, and a rug with some bean bags. overall it’s a very nice room! my only major complaint is that i refuse to believe that chiaki uses a plain gray blanket and not the same power ranger bedsheets he’s had since he was 10 years old

hinata hiiro niki dorm: hinata’s bed has the blue blanket and hanging plants right? i assume hiiro’s bed has the pillows with blue and orange stripes just because it reminds me of the colors on his jacket. i refuse to believe that niki’s bed is that neat i know he has a secret stash of snacks next to his desk or under the bed or something. i think after crazyB has paid off all their debts and are no longer seriously struggling financially and niki is able to save some of his paycheck i think he’d buy a minifridge and put it next to his bed

rei eichi aira dorm: everyone always talks about rei and eichi’s petty divorce curtain but nobody mentions how aira’s bed looks like it’s made out of cardboard

leo natsume nazuna dorm: why is leo’s the only visibly messy bed we’ve seen. why are nazuna’s and natsume’s beds so average. i can see nazuna as the kind to go for a simple blanket with stripes but you cannot tell me that natsume does not have the most headache-inducing blankets and pillows known to mankind. natsume has 3 pillows each with a different pattern and combination of complimentary colors on them and 2 blankets one of which he found in one of the secret passageways in yumenosaki and one of which has a bunch of constellations printed on it and all of it clashes horribly

kuro mao izumi shu dorm: oh this is one of the worst rooms in general. let’s start with the beds. all four of them look like they have the exact same bedframe. how come mika gets a fancy victorian bedframe and shu doesn’t. is all of shu’s special fancy furniture in france. i genuinely can’t tell whose bed is whose. is mao’s bed the black one on the far left or the red and gray one on the far right (bc ritsu was involved in choosing the bedsheets). why doesn’t kuro have any gym equipment next to his bed like tetora and jun. do you think kuro used to have some gym equipment in the dorm but shu and izumi complained too much about the sweaty smell so he had to leave it at his family’s house. what’s with the four-part abstract art piece. who put that there. did izumi put that there because i cannot imagine shu putting that up there. i do not think shu likes that sort of modern art he probably says it’s meaningless or derivative or smth. he’d probably prefer a high-quality print of a reinassance painting or framed pictures actually scratch that last one because if the kuro mao izumi shu dorm was allowed to hang personal photos on the walls izumi might put up some pictures of the rest of knights and then every night shu would have to go to sleep haunted by the vaguely threatening (to him) smile of Narukami Arashi

rinne kanata hiyori dorm: obv kanata’s bed is the one with the aquarium next to it, which means rinne’s and hiyori’s beds are probably the ones with the slightly different zigzag stripe patterns and honestly i’m disappointed. you mean to tell me amagi rinne doesn’t have insufferably gaudy bright red bedsheets? he doesn’t have a blanket with cartoon bees on it that he bought as a joke when he went to the supermarket with the rest of crazyB? he doesn’t have a stack of coupons and discount vouchers and half-finished loyalty cards and a bunch of misshapen plushies that he got out of a claw machine while trying to get the hamburger plushie for niki as an anniversary gift? and hiyori. eichi’s bed probably came straight from his family’s mansion and looks like it came from a 5 star hotel and hiyori just has. that?? i refuse to belive that hiyori would allow himself to be one-upped by tenshouin eichi in this manner. hiyori has a humongous fluffy princess bed with hearts and flourishes carved into the bedframe and a whole ass canopy with fairy lights that took jun four hours to assemble and you cannot convince me otherwise

tsukasa souma shinobu dorm: where is tsukasa’s trading card collection. where is souma’s sword rack. where are shinobu’s lego ninjago bedsheets

#aurelia tag #enstars #ensemble stars #ensemble stars textpost #also why do so many of the dorms have so many houseplants in them. with all due respect #some of these people can barely even keep themselves alive let alone a potted plant

[sadkidwithocs]

I just called to say I love you

I just called to say how much I care

I just called to say I love you

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart 💕🌸💐🌷🌻

Big Fanart of my 2019oc and his wrestling friend, Adrian Adonis🌸💐I drew maybe 1 month ago but take long time for writing their stories in English😂😂

Ok I post about Faren’s information already. And this post I’ll mention about one of his friends, Start with no.1 Adrian Adonis, a good friend/ big brother whose known him since they both was YoungLion and before go to WWF

*these pics below are low quality, high quality pics are following*

[Faren’s part]

My lovely brothers, Keith Adonis Franke a.k.a Adrian Adonis. He’s one of Raymond and my close friends since before we go to WWF, but reason why I still close with him because we are all obsessed with “Biker lifestyle”/ very long-winded, never stop talking😎 (different from Raymond whose more polite and taciturn / we love dressing as biker but Adonis’ style is better than me lol he spend so much money for this!

Adonis is older than me 7 years, chubby but good-looking/ nice hairstyle/ sassy man and big-mouth…and seems he doesn’t care about his weight that much. In the past we often go everywhere by our big bike/ ride in the same car, but when we both are in WWF we have different role, Adonis is heel but I’m babyface, we live in different locker room/ everybody has his own friends whose have the same role& same personalities and similar in age.. now we shouldn’t acting like close friend when go outside.

Adonis is funny person/ tough and good worker for someone…and sometimes he’s sassy man and like to act cocky for someone too, and one of these people are Lanny Poffo, one of my the first friends in WWF and Danny Spivey, one of dumbass Mike’s close friend.

I don’t know it can calls “luckily” or not that I’m one of persons whose don’t have problem with him.. we don’t have match to fight and eventhough we have similar style (or gimmick) that about biker, but we never have any problem about comparing who is better or who should be owner of biker gimmick, because we think we have many difference in their own way.

The fact that we have different role, we must act in different personality traits sometimes, and because we’re famous wrestlers to some extent , when we go outside we often see some fangirls excited to us and stop to say hi😅

Babyface like me must wave and say hi back to her even though that time I’m in a bad mood/ tired/ hungry or bored😐

But for Adonis when he notices some fangirl say hi,

He just act cold and said “get back in da house! ” . that’s why sometimes I jealous some heel wrestlers that can be honest with their feelings🫠 but at the same time I’m not ready to have heel role too, I can’t😖

Look at this👇🏻. It’s funny that we both dye our hair to blonde following some “backstage person” ‘s advice (Vince? Pat Patterson? or some bookers? I’m not sure who the hell is owner of these idea)

(Umm🫤idk I can call it’s just “advice” or not !?… I think I should use this word instead, “wanting” 🤔 I mean.. if some wrestlers don’t abide by the plans of boss’ idea , We can‘t know about our fate (wrestling role) in the future. They make you shine but they can ruined you also. Me/ Adonis and Dino Bravo are one of the people who agreed to dye our hair to blonde following their advise inevitably

Adonis must dye his hair bc he has gay gimmick of flower shop. Man.. he gain so much weight! Nobody can stop him! Ok I know that this guy is reckless, my I just can’t believe he can be reckless in this way too! 💀

I must dye my hair bc some backstage guy told me to “being more American”. Everyone knew I was the son of famous Hawaiian wrestlers “Ailani Kamealoha”, I have brown hair like my dad , but someone tried to change my identity, make wrestling fans forget everything whose son I am and where did I come from. Now I have become an American biker from Texas USA not Honolulu..I only talk about the biker lifestyle, dressing fashionably, Do not mention anything related to Hawaii or mention to my father who was a Hawaiian warrior.

Moreover, sometimes I have to act flirty, even though in fact I’m like my dad that clumsy and not good at flirting at all , I am not allowed to say that I have 3 children too🤥

Ok, back to Adonis. I want to share one of He has ever buy Pepsi for me during we are fixing a big bike(he often go out and back with some snacks).. but that time I keep that Pepsi can in my bag before bring it to hometown in Texas together and forget it in my house, and I wasn’t go back to my house for a few year after that. And not many months later, Adonis left WWF and goes to AWA and I’ve never saw him again.

Believe or not.. until this day in 2024 I still keep that can in my shelf that full of 80-90s stuffs. Seiji, my son whose doesn’t know anything often ask me to throw it in garbage because it’s expire food but I stop him😑

ok I accept the truth that I have some “old man habits” whose like to collect little things not only about biker. But I can’t help it! 🤷🏻

Stories between me and Adonis are just a short part of my whole career story, he passed away from car accident in 1988. Eventough we’re not close that much after we’re in WWF because we have their own friends/ own roles but I can’t refuse that Adonis is good brother for me and my fond memories include Adrian as one of them. He’s gone too fast, that’s the reason why I feel like…I still have unresolved issues and still not used to accept that he’s gone to somewhere. I still imagine if we both are 60 years old men, have white hair, sit together, drink some beer and share crazy journey of our wrestling career. I love you my brother, tell wrestling friends up there I said hi🤍

#Faren’s story #damn why I’m so sad🫠 #art #original character #idk I should use hashtag or not #wrestling fic

[constellama]

ohoho time to cry

Llama reads TRC: Chapters 1-10 of The Dream Thieves

Prologue

Reminder that I’ve been spoiled on some things from this series

OHHH so that’s how he gets the keys

It’s so sad to see how quickly Ronan fell apart after his dad died :(

Chapter 1

Well that’s one way to open a chapter !!

“Don’t feminists have big muscles?” Gansey.

Ik Blue is gonna end up with Gansey eventually but seeing her fight so hard to love Adam is so :(((

Maybe I’m being presumptuous cuz I still haven’t finished the series but I think it’s messed up how Adam literally loses everything and he doesn’t even get the girl he likes :(

“Good thinking, maggot.” 😭????

NOAH

Sorry Noah can literally do anything and I’ll be screaming and crying I literally love him

Chapter 2

Declan ??? Oh my God is he gonna be the in between chapters

WHO THE HELL IS THE GRAY MAN

Me when I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing the gray man

what the hell is the Greywaren

Uh oh

Chapter 3

Ronan why do you know what gasoline tastes like

Ooo a man made lake,,, my brain is making theories perhaps

It seems like Ronan is a bit?? Salty?? about Adam waking up the ley line

Kavinsky?? Wait wasn’t this guy mentioned in the first book? Oh god is he gonna be reoccurring

“Him! He’s not a dirtbag. He’s an a-hole.” ok Blue !! Slay!!

Chapter 4

Ok so obviously this guy was hired to find some kind of relic that lets people take things from dreams,,,

So this guy is looking for whatever Ronan has. Although I don’t think Ronan has a relic that lets him do what he does.

DOES THAT MEAN RONAN IS THE RELIC?

I’m not being insane here right. That’s like a reasonable theory

Chapter 5

I absolutely love the descriptions in Ronan’s chapters, especially about his dreams ough

Ooo weird dream box ok

Loving the way Gansey and Ronan talk to each other it’s so funny to me

Chapter 6

Am I mean for thinking Orla is annoying. Idk I just really don’t like her

Blue is barely five feet tall,,, she really is just like me fr,,,

Blue :(

Blue is so relatable to me I love her

OK OMG Idk if it’s just me but the “it’s a wizard in a box.” “It will do your homework,” “And it’s been dating your girlfriend,” “Are you all drunk?” really reminds me of the “What’s the best way to steal a man’s wallet?” bit from Six of Crows. More evidence that the crows and gangsey (that’s what they’re called right?) would be best friends

See are you guys picking up what I’m putting down

What does Ronan know that the others don’t,,,

Blue once again slaying

Ew Kavinsky

what. what. wait. Am I being insane or does Kavinsky have the same powers as Ronan does. What.

“Is this how Noah feels?” WHA TIF I THREW U P

Chapter 7

oh THIS GUY AGAIN

oh ok that’s not ominous whatsoever

him?? please don’t tell me that means Gansey uh oh

Wait no because Gansey wouldn’t terrorize old ladies

Kavinsky ?? Maybe??

Oh so the Gray Man has a backstory,,

Chapter 8

oh God Adam chapter brace yourselves

“It was nothing, but it was Adam Parrish’s nothing” cmon we barely started the chapter :((((

Adam actually loves Blue sm I’m gonna cry

“What do you want, Adam?” “To feel awake when my eyes are open.” DAMN. WOW. OK damn I. Alright. I need a minute wow.

OK we’re back

“This was easier when we didn’t know each other” please stop my heart can only take so much <3

DO NOT KISS. DONT

BLUE. PLEASE JUST TELL HIM

PLEASE

THIS PART

OW???

“No more. Please, I can’t take any more.” Tears in my eyes Adam Parrish please spare me

OH??

YEAHHH SOMETHING HAPPY FOR ADAM FINALLY

“I don’t want your pity.” Uh oh

UH OH

ADAM

Blue is once again slaying but I’m a little concerned about Adam bc WHAT

“Was this what he fought every time he remembered I existed?” I have some very choice words for Maggie Stiefvater rn 😁 /lhj

wwwwhat

what’s happening to Adam I’m concerned for this boy

I need a shirt that says “I survived chapter 8 of The Dream Thieves” good lord

Chapter 9

Ofc they’re loitering bc they’re bored

Just silly guys doing silly things

It’s on page 69 too

Ronan. Ronan are you ok

CRYING AT THIS??

NOAH MY BELOVED

I LOVE HIM

“‘Glitter,’ whispered Noah reverentially, giving it a shake.” I’m so emotional about Noah Czerny I need a minute

I’m not gonna survive when Something happens to him oh God

IT WAS RONAN WHO HELPED ADAM

aw

WHAT

NOAH

Ronan is still mad at Gansey for,,, holding nothing against Adam?? Or treating him the same?? Not sure why Ronan’s so upset yet still helps Adam out,,,

OH?? WHAT DOES NOAH KNOW??

“It’s not my job to tell other people’s secrets.” uhhh this surely can’t end well

Chapter 10

how big is this map

“I’m not dating now.” “Except for Glendower” pffft

HAHAH

I love how Adam and Gansey are having this serious conversation meanwhile Ronan literally throws Noah out the window

I love them

Cue that one “he pushed me down the stairs!” meme

Ok so clearly a lot is happening and I have. Many thoughts. BUT. I’m ngl I’ve had this post in my drafts for a while and I’m way farther than chapter 10 but it’s kinda annoying to have to update for every chapter,,, SO

I’m still gonna update, but more of my thoughts are gonna be theories kinda and not in these super huge posts!! I’m still trying to figure out how to live-blog this series without ruining my reading experience so stay tuned 👍

#the raven cycle #the dream thieves #blue sargent #richard gansey #adam parrish #ronan lynch #noah czerny #llama reads trc #constellama talks

[titan-god-helios]

pt1 of oddly specific things that give me gender affirmation/euphoria (that may not be that odd but i didn’t expect them so shut up <3 /lh):

wallets !!!! a good stereotypically masculine wallet that’s small and leather and still has lots and lots of usability and looks like something a dad would use makes me feel so masculine !! love it

any type of trouser or bottoms with more than two pockets

windbreaker jackets - they make me go “FUCK YEEAAHH im such a boy a man a male tm yessir” and idk why they just do tho, even the fem ones to an extent

plantssss i love plants and they make me feel like a little gardner boy just yessss

energy drinks for some reason ???? they make the internal man dialogue of “IM A MANNN” go haywire so much

hairbands on my wrist and an excess of those wooden beaded bracelets or even stone beaded jewellery

cross earrings but just bc they look cool (i’m an atheist so yuh, i still love people who have religion too, y’all are awesome <3)

doing the thing with your hair where you take hair from one side and flip it on the other with one hand and its kind of like running your hand through your hair but with long hair…. esp of my other hand is on my hip and i scrunch my face ?!?!?!??!? so boyish i feel so good

dancing like an absolute idiot. i dont know why but every time i just do a little jig for myself by myself my gender is just like “yessssss you’re a boy frfr slay king”

watches !! big chunky analogue watches

following on from the last point, clocks too

mushroomsssss they make the more nonbinary side of me jump for joy cause like “yes ofc im a fucking forest goblin dude i love mushrooms im just a goblin guy leave me alone and let me love the shrooms”

sketching in public. it just doessss

camoflague clothing !! i mean this was probably obvious but when i came out to myself and i wore camo cargo pants (with loads of pockets mind you) i just freaked out in joy i felt so manly that day it was glorious

singing !! singing my favourite songs as low as i can go with it still sounding good

just being as stubborn as possible but in a non problematic (for the most part) way. like if you give me the option to make things easier and more convenient or not i’ll choose the harder option. idk it just makes me feel manly (is this toxic masculinity ?? i dont know but i try to remind myself that this only applies to non mental stuff so i don’t end up self-harming againnnn)

being unnecessarily overdressed

not brushing my hair till its perfectly untangled and just letting it be a bit wild - this came with me figuring out that my hair type is waywayway wavier/curlier than i thought my whole life and learning to take care of it the best i can whilst i have like zero products for waves/curls on hand and as a bonus i felt more masc !!

looking at the stretch marks underneath my boobs in the mirror. i have a large-ish chest i think (DD cup), plus i’m a lil chubby, so i have loads of stretch marks around my chest, and the ones underneath look like top surgery scars, so if i’m having a particularly rough day with my chest dysphoria i’ll look at em and feel a bit better

using my stim toys and accommodations with friends and by myself for my autism and adhd - being capable of taking care of myself finally makes me feel really confident and as a result quite masc as well

stimming by flipping my beaded bracelets between my fingers - this is specific to greek and possibly other cultures similar to greece but it’s typical for a lot of greek men to flip long-ish beaded loops (?? they’re not jewellery and specifically made for this but idk what they’re called so) between their fingers in a similar fashion, and it’s a thing that my dad does a lot when bored. whether neurodivergent or neurotypical it’s a very common thing for men and so doing it makes me not only feel good stimming but also feel manly as fuck ! it feels even better now that my mum saw me doing it once and said “what are you a man ??” and being closeted i had to say “idc im just flipping a bracelet why does it have to be gendered” BUT INSIDE I WAS SO HAPPY

playing card games - when i was younger and even now my dad and grandpa would let me sit in on their card games late at night when we visited them in greece and now when i play card games i always feel so calm and comforted and quietly masculine

drinkingggg now hear me out yes im a minor but i’m also half greek so as a result whenever my parents drink im allowed a bit too (under supervision ofc). anyway that out the way, i have a pretty fucking high alcohol tolerance and considering the fact that it comes from my dad (being asian, my mum’s tolerance is dogshit) plus the stereotypical “men can drink more” stuff i feel SO MANLYYYY when i can quite literally drink more than my dad and feel okay whilst he’s starting to be tipsy (just to clarify though, the stereotype is bullshit and should NOT be perpetuated as much as it is, at least with intent. you guys with low alcohol tolerances are just as manly !! maybe you’re even more manly than those with high tolerance !! and women with high tolerances, you’re still very fem and very cool and valid as a woman and those who aren’t binary or aligning you are valid as your gender or as no gender no matter what tolerance you have <33)

caring about myself more. and i don’t mean in a “i’m gonna have a nice fucking bath and be happy about it” way i mean in a “i’m going to feed myself well, drink lots of water, get good exercise and be respectful to myself at the very least” way. and also in the bath way. baths are nice

collecting shit !! idk dude but having a collection of dumb shit just makes me feel so masc and good cause i swear to the stars nearly every dude i’ve met and stepped into the house of has a collection of SOMETHING whether it’s games, books, rocks, crystals, cookbooks and recipies or art supplies or whatever makes them happy. like legit fucking anything and i like collecting stuff too so its a bonus !!

just being nice. just being a nice dude makes me feel so manly

being silly and myself and doing dumb shit and being unapologetic about it (im still working on being able to do this since i struggle a lot but when i can it feels so good !!)

being stupidly loyal to something equally stupid /pos. like yes i have had this stuffed animal since the dawn of time no i will never get rid of her. she’s a genderfuck lesbian rainbow tiger from buildabear workshop who goes by the name of Roxy i will never get rid of her >:(. and so what my ring is so rusty it makes my skin green every three days ?? i clean it and take it off when it gets out of control back off bitch its mine. why are you so concerned about my shoes ????? fuck you i like them how they are (falling apart and dishevelled, the sole is halfway off already and it hasn’t been even remotely okay since three years ago) and they still fit and work so i’ll wear them until i literally cannot anymore. its so fun and it’s such a “just some guy” activity AND it makes my autism goblin feel safe and good too so its great would reccommend

just talking about stuff i like and that makes me feel good but not to anybody in particular. maybe in my notes, maybe on tumblr (like right now !! i’m doing this one right now !!) maybe on my personal dm to myself. it just makes me feel like a boy i love it PLUS i dont actually have to stress about humans on the other end of it so i feel way more confident and comfortable and as a result even MORE manly !!

ice cream on cones. i will not elaborate

travelling and exploring !! like legit anywhere. as long as i’m moving from one place to another and exploring the world i feel so happy and right and also masculine it’s great i love travelling so much. on holidays i enjoy the act of travelling even more than the holiday itself tbh

(to clarify i identify as male but a bit fucked in the gender - if you want a label i still identify as nonbinary but male aligningg <3)

#autism #nonbinary #trans rights #transgender #transmasc #trans boy #trans pride #trans man #trans people #trans #trans positivity #trans posting #male positivity #masculine #masc positivity #achillean #boy #boys #long post #long reads #dysphoria #gender fuckery #genderqueer #gender #gender identity #queer stuff #gender stuff #queer #gender dysphoria #gender euphoria

[stargirlfeyre]

“Azriel may be boring as shit but at least he never went after someone who was actively treating Feyre like shit. At least the Archeron he’s going after is actually working to fix her relationship with Feyre. Cassian went for someone who was still treating his friend like dog shit and I just can’t respect that.” ALL OF THIS

i’m always hesitant to say this bc some ppl are super sensitive when it comes to cassian for some funny reason (all the other boys are able to be criticized but not him bc he can be funny?) but part of why i don’t like him as much as azriel is because of how he went for nesta too early on, it was super premature for him to come onto her so blatantly in front of everyone even when she was mortal and he’d literally just met her, knowing how feyre was treated etc…i adore cassian when i don’t look at his character too closely. as much as i prefer feyssian over feyzriel because of her and cassian having more sweet bestie moments than her and az do, whenever there’s a discussion i’ll always choose az first because of cassian and nesta. like anon said i can’t help but put myself in feyre’s shoes when i’m reading but i don’t like that he came onto nesta the way he did and how soon he did, and he had no shame about it in front of feyre and the rest.

i know some people are super chill or they have sisters or family members that cross these lines all the time, like your friend flirting with your sister, but in my family or friend groups we don’t do that especially if a sister is really mean to me, why would i approve of my friend going for her so blatantly in front of me? it’s not so much a harsh or possessive petty thing but just basic morale? cassian imo doesn’t get enough flack for how he came onto nesta so soon. it’s true too that at least az didn’t show any signs of having a crush until acowar and acofas, i prefer someone humbly and respectfully handling a crush on my sister than how in your face cassian was about it with nesta in only book two. idk sometimes it feels like his dick thinks for him and even acosf proved that.

i prefer acowar cassian! but i also skip the pages whenever he’s acting out over nesta or they’re both being angst ridden for one another, i just can’t take it seriously bc he was obv thinking with his dick or mating bond and she was still treating everyone like they were less than her despite her being a pos who has never done anything.

idk 😮‍💨 like i said it’s so easy to love cass as a character when you don’t look at his dynamic with nesta from feyre’s shoes in book two. i imagine mainly feyre stan’s struggle with him due to his attachment to nesta so early on. that bonus chapter anon mentioned where cassian put his body up against nesta’s asking whether she was a virgin or not? he’d only recently met her and was doing that, it being too soon aside, it was very inappropriate to do. even mor made it clear that he acts that way with women when they don’t want him and see’s it as “a challenge” just 10 reasons why az and rhysand will always come off as the most mature to me.

the other reasons i don’t favor him have to do with sjm having him refer to nesta as a queen in acosf, him always showing doubt with the ic’s decisions in acosf as if he’s not apart of the ic (why did he seem so against them in acosf at times? most of the time they were right too so it was just weird for sjm to do) saying nesta didn’t need to apologize to anyone supposedly (really sjm? 💀) having sex with nesta on a hike where she was supposed to own up to her wrongs and mature after she just told feyre she could die (inappropriate timing much..?) acting funny when rhysand felt the need to tell her to be nice to gwyn and emerie when he knows damn well rhysand isn’t at the house of wind like them to know nesta’s behavior had gotten better. how the hell would rhysand know that nesta’s not being mean to him when rhysand’s only ever seen her be rude af to everyone..? and then made it even worse when he petulantly wrapped his arm around nesta to make rhysand feel uncomfortable.

•

[free-my-boy-grumbot]

Ranking the ASOUE parts because I’m bored and my friend isn’t online

i would love to keep it extensive but i also don’t want tumblr to crash so i will keep it brief. spoilers, obviously. also charcater death.

13. The Grim Grotto

Listen just because it’s 13th doesn’t mean it’s BAD, it just means i’m kinda indifferent to it as opposed to obsessing over it like i do with the others. It’s just that I’m not THAT into nautical themes and I have 2 nautical-themed assignments to do in school today so I’m a little sick of it.

Also, I’m just not that big on Fiona as a character. I didn’t really like the two-girls-hate-each-other-for-no-reason thing that she had going with Violet (especially because it was really out of charcater for her), her romance with Klaus seemed out of place, and her being related to Fernald just seemed like it was pulled out of nowhere to get an emotional reaction. Again, I get why you’d like her and the part, it’s just not for me personally. Also esme’s worst outfit was featured here. Also in the netflix series it just wasn’t as funny as the other ones and that’s a huge thing for me

12. The Wide Window

Honestly didn’t expect this one to be so low, but it’s difficult to choose between these bc i love them all </3 anyways I actually liked Josephine as a charcater, I like the idea that she wants to help the children but is rendered basically incompetent because of her fear, they really popped off with that. HOWEVER they did a very similar thing with Hector but way better so alas </3 12th place

Also like I said, not a massive fan of sea-themed aesthetics. Also also I LOVE all of count olaf’s disguises but I’m kind of indifferent to captain Sham so that also might be why. Also, again, the rest of the netflix series was way funnier

11. The Carnivorous Carnival

Honestly, not much to say about this one. The “not really feeling strongly one way or the other” section has come early this year apparently. Esme and Olivia both SLAYED in their outfits and we got introduced to the circus crew which was cool as fuck. Sadly I have knocked SEVERAL points off for horny count olaf. The scene where he describes madame lulu as buttered really makes you appreciate how little force it takes to rip one’s ear off. It provides me with a new and informed understanding of the phrase “skin crawling”. other than that it’s pretty good :)

10. The Slippery Slope

Now I was one of those people who didn’t know what Mount Fraught syndrome was before reading this book, and the reveal of why the mountain was named that fucking eviscerated me. I was used to this series pulling shit like this constantly and yet this one destroyed me for some reason. If you already knew what mount fraught syndrome was before reading/watching this scene then you didn’t get the full experience and i’m sorry for you.

I also don’t LOVE quigley and violet. I know i just said that about klaus and fiona so it kinda seems like i hate romance, but i really dont. i hate forced romance. romance just isn’t daniel handlers strong suit but he insists on writing it anyway, and that’s fine. it’s what i do with basically everything i write about. Especially since in the netflix series duncan also has a crush on violet so it’s kinda ??? for her to end up with quigley. like do you guys think when quigley and duncan reunited quigley told him about this really cool girl called violet he met and duncan was like “…”. anyways imagine getting cucked by your presumed dead twin brother could not be me

9. The Austere Academy

okay so i felt bad putting this lower because i know someone that really likes this part but i’m sorry it’s just kinda there. i mean it was super funny and the dead horse bit is literally everything but that’s pretty much it. idk maybe there’s a metaphor in there that i’m missing who knows

also olivia was introduced so bonus points for that i guess. she reminds me of miss honey from matilda <33

8. The Ersatz Elevator

honestly i feel bad that this is only 8th but there are so many good ones imsorry. anyways esme and jerome got introduced in this one which gives is a LOT of extra points. i love esme and i pity jerome which makes me also love him. also shoutout to günther for being the only count olaf disguise that could theoretically get it.

my only issue with it is that jerome disowning the baudelaires was kinda forced yk?? like i know it had to happen for the plot to carry on but i don’t think he had a good reason to do it. i guess points for doing something other than just killing them off again?

7. The End

OKAY so you might be thinking “oh, this part is exactly in the middle! surely that means you’re neuteral about it” LMAO I WISH i have extreme positive and negative opinions.

okay so first off it took me a couple of rewatches to get this one because when i first watched it i didn’t know about the quote that it was referencing (“religion is the opium of the people”) but MAN they mentioned that quote in class and i was catatonic for like 2 minutes because oh my god. not only did the incredibly deadly viper come back (yippieee) but they also implied that in the bible adam and eve were actually saved from something by eating the fruit?? the 4chan atheist that lives in my head really likes this one, is what i’m saying. also i know i say that about all of them because my sense of humour is basically based on this series rn but it was so funny. i live and breathe for olaf’s lil christopher columbus moment.

sadly it does have its downsides (olaf and kit) (i really hate olaf and kit) (i don’t think they’re good together). i mean SURELY kit has better taste than that. i mean don’t get me wrong they’re both my favourite characters but they have no common ground on literally anything. plus this is biased but i liked him better with georgina or esme because they remind me of several songs i really like. they literally just pulled the kit x olaf thing out of their ass so that olaf would have some semblance of a reason to die. oh yea i also think olaf didn’t need to die, i know Kit didn’t eat the antidote because it would have affected the baby but olaf could have totally eaten it!! he was offered it!! he wasn’t pregnant!!! it was so out of charcater for him not to eat it!!

6. The Hostile Hospital

Okay this one is SUPER biased because as y’all probably know i love the mad scientist trope it is my favourite trope ever AND i love count olaf so seeing them get put together was so cool. I know I keep bringing this up but i really do love the aesthetics they’re so cool. also also loved all the horror film references. most importantly (actually not that important) esmes outfit went so fucking hard literally i will never recover from the sheer power and moxie of Knife Heels. When I become actually talented at textiles i will recreate her outfit and probably ruin my carpet with those heels.

5. The Bad Beginning

a classic <33 the netflix version of this was literally one of the funniest eps of anything i ever watched i could feel my brain chemistry being rearranged as i watched it. also count olaf’s best era idc what he did he was literally just being sillay. also it has one of the best songs in the series honestly. OH ALSO justice strauss <33 and the troupe <333 literally all the beloveds are here there are no flaws

4. The Reptile Room

MONTY <333 HIIII MONTYYYY <33333333 literally my fav character he has never done anything wrong in his life ever. Also I love his fucking house it’s so cool if I had that much money I too would base my entire house on my special interest. also one of the only parts of the nickelodeon movie i didn’t hate so that’s fun.

3. The Miserable Mill

Lots of cool shit here!! First of all Shirley served astronomical amounts of cunt she had zero bad lines. Also I honestly think Georgina and Olaf were so underrated they remind me of several songs i like also they’re both fucked up and evil <333 she’s like esme but without the ulterior sugar bowl motives. also the fact that her name is GEORGINA ORWELL like ok. queen of subtlety. Like I get it if I was named that I would prolly start hypnotising people too. I also kinda love orwellian themes yk those are always fun.

AND OMG HOW COULD I FORGET CHARLESSS i feel so bad for him constantly he has never done anything wrong in his life and is also inexplicably british i love him sm

2. The Penultimate Peril

I love a good reunion episode tbh i love seeing all the characters together <33 also like this episode is so fun to dissect? (is that the right word?) i loved figuring out who JS was i loved finding differences between Frank and Ernest I loved figuring out what the fuck was going on it was so fun it’s like the best thing about this series.

of course that’s only partially true tpp would be nothing without those sexy sexy monologues

1. The Vile Village

TVV BELOVED <33 I have a separate post about the but they literally have everything. it’s a metaphor for autism it’s a metaphor for religion it’s a metaphor for the school system is there anything they CANT do. Also this is like my 5th time saying this but there are 300+ characters and i’m an indecisive bitch so i will do it again. Hector the actual loml is literally my fav charcater hes so me. don’t worry dude i cant openly defy authority despite knowing its unjust either <3 literally we would be best friends irl. she’s RELATABLE she’s MORALLY AMBIGUOUS she has SEVERAL INTERPRETATIONS I AGREE WITH she’s STRANGE she’s everything you want in an asoue book honestly

Also detective dupin and officer luciana kinda slayed what was Wrong with them <3

#cameron monologues #asoue #a series of unfortunate events #the bad beginning #the reptile room #the wide window #the miserable mill #the austere academy #the ersatz elevator #the vile village #the hostile hospital #the carnivorous carnival #the slippery slope #the grim grotto #the penultimate peril #the end asoue

[hello-eeveev]

tagged by @quinn-of-aebradore (and I was tagged in a very similar thing by @spottedenchants a bit ago but didn’t get around to it before this, so I hope you don’t mind me combining them!) thank you :D

Last song I listened to: “Sometime We’ll Understand” from the Lamb of God Easter oratorio by Rob Gardner. With the season and driving by a bunch of churches with Easter signs, I got real nostalgic for Easter music because there are so many great pieces. And Lamb of God holds a lot of memories for me because my dad was the lead cellist for the local production for several years, and I even got to take part one year. And it is just soooo musically tasty and I was just filled with energy listening to it yesterday. The CHOIR, the SOLOISTS, the SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA!!! If you remember me expressing my love for French horns a few weeks ago, Lamb of God played no small part in establishing this opinion. If you don’t mind Christian hymns, I highly recommend checking it out, and all of Rob Gardner’s work because he is truly one of the goats.

Last book I read: I’ve kinda started and stopped a few books recently, not for any particular reason just… idk. So instead I’m gonna plug a fic I’ve been keeping up with that published its final chapter last night: Judgement & Justice! It is such a fascinating and engaging work that explores the details of legally condemning Ikithon, the ways that the law can fail anyone, how even doing something you believe is right can be incredibly traumatizing. As one of the tags says, “the mundane horrors of the criminal justice system”. So good. I highly recommend.

Last film I watched: ummmm, yesterday I saw like 30 minutes of Wish after the school field trip bc the teacher was so kind and said, “nope. interpreters are out of commission. we’re watching a movie.” The music didn’t appeal to me too much, which sucks bc I LOVE Ariana DeBose’s voice. But I will say that the special effect art was sick and some of the character designs are cute!

Last TV series: uhhhh idk I watch a lot of YouTube. Drawfee, Zelda randomizers, that kinda stuff. and critrole obv lol :)

Last thing I googled: “peafowl”. I love birds and will infodump about them and I wanted to show my coworker how different peahens are to peacocks, and most people have no idea they’re called anything but peacocks.

Last thing I ate: ritz crackers and nutella. It’s a combination I wouldn’t have put together of my own accord, but in eighth grade, my friend brought some into history class and convinced me to try it and I’ve been sold ever since.

Sweet, savory, or spicy: Yes. However, savory and spicy go well together, but sweet doesn’t go with either. I have a massive sweet tooth and my mom raised me to have high standards for desserts, so when I have sweets, I want them to be to my taste. I like spicy food and I have a decent spice tolerance. It used to be higher but either adulthood or my anxiety meds reduced it rip :’(

Amount of sleep: ummmm about 6 hours? I should probably be getting more, but unfortunately sleep is boring.

Currently reading: The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner. I’m about halfway through, and it’s pretty enjoyable, but I hear it’s got a good twist later on so I’m excited.

currently obsessed with: you know it’s shadowgast lol. but more specifically I’m still in my How to Rest brainrot. I have a break next week, so I want to get the chapter 6 director’s commentary done and start working on the coda fic bc hnnngggghgg soft wizards.

I’m also obsessed with my cat. She’s turning 6 on Sunday and she’s been so snuggly lately! Look at her!!!

I always feel so awkward about tagging bc I never know who’s already been tagged, so if you want to do this, you are fully allowed to say that I tagged you 💕

#eve talks #kiki posting

[aroaceconfessions]

hi i’m here bc i need to rant. warnings for acephobia and invalidation ahead

OK so. i love my family. they’re incredibly supportive of me and i’m pretty sure they’d all kill for me. that being said. the casual acephobia i get from my parents ANY DAMN TIME i talk about my sexuality (or lack thereof) is fucking exhausting and so invalidating and it sucks.

like for example: tonight i was explaining to my brother why i don’t masturbate (basically just saying “i get nothing out of it and i find it either boring or uncomfortable depending”) bc he fell into that stupid youtube nofap trend that’s literally just repackaged evangelicalism but that’s a different conversation. anyways my dad jokingly goes “yeah she’s crazy, you’re just holding yourself back” and it made me want to kill him. haha funny. i’m crazy for not wanting to participate in something that makes me ACTIVELY UNCOMFORTABLE. thanks. and i point out to him like “hey let’s not equate my asexuality [still questioning where i fall on the spectrum but yanno] with being crazy please and thank you” and he kinda acknowledged it but not really. so the conversation moved on and i started talking about my personal reasons to avoid masturbating n porn again and then my MOM chimes in with the ever so lovely “hey i’m not trying to say you’re wrong but have you ever considered that you may just want to have sex later?” oh my GOD i was annoyed the first time but this brought tears to my eyes. i, trying not to choke up too hard, said “yes that’s why i waited for so long before using the label but i’m ace right now and that’s what matters” and attempted to move on. i knew i couldn’t so i quickly let the conversation end and went out to our garage where i cried for like. a solid… idk 10 minutes? 20? i have no perception of time but it was a bit. the “what if you change your mind” has always been the piece of internalized aphobia picking at my brain and it actively kept me from letting myself just be acespec despite the fact that i’ve probably known for years. i think i first questioned in jr high. worst part is they don’t even REALIZE how hurtful it is to say those things. so I have to be the one to educate them and i’m so TIRED of it. i love explaining things but god i should not have to justify my existence to you!!! why does it matter what i choose to do with myself it doesn’t affect you i have autonomy!!!! like. do they WANT me to make myself feel unsafe by “biting the bullet” and having sex when i don’t wanna? of course not! but the shit they say tells me they’re subconsciously thinking it!! it’s so so fucking invalidating and it makes me wanna cry/scream. if even my horniest of friends can be perfectly chill with and normal about my asexuality then my parents can too. it’s not that hard they already knew i was queer before i learned abt this part of it. you wouldn’t tell a lesbian “hey how do you know you’re not attracted to men if you haven’t slept with one” but APPARENTLY it’s fine to tell me “how do you know you’re ace if you’ve never had sex” oh i don’t know maybe because i’m almost an adult now and i have NEVER ONCE FELT HORNY OR HAD A DESIRE TO BED SOMEONE I FOUND ATTRACTIVE ????? CRAZY HOW THAT WORKS I KNOW.

on the bright side i’m forming a plan to set that boundary with them and i got to actually cry out loud which i haven’t done in way too long (middle school taught me to silent cry 😔) so. progress there at least but GOD i’m so ticked off

#asexual #ace #acespec #aspec #aphobia #acephobia #invalidation

[literaphobe]

@baeksseju OKAY SO yesterday morning i forgot to set my alarm clock and woke up at 7:48am instead of… 6:30am KFKSKDKSKSSK and that was MY BAD like i didn’t know and i still don’t know whether i set an alarm or not or if i just forgot like i tend to do. anyway. im gonna call my friend P and my other friend S. so every monday and wednesday morning at 8:30am we have our sociolinguistics class. P & S (whoever of them comes first) (its almost never me) get there and save us the same 3 corner seats in the second last row. i always get the corner most seat bc im the latest one usually UM ANYWAY

so this girl we know from this random amalgamation of people who we hung out with for like 1-2 weeks at the start of the semester started like FUCKING loving P bc like P is really funny and talks shit about people they hate and never replies to messages for several hours (unless its me or her bf or one of our other real friends) <- my theory that these people have anxious attachment style and P ignoring them only makes them want her MORE

P is also kind of a people pleaser in the sense that she’s a fake bitch (HER WORDS ❤️) and even if she dislikes u or hates u or talks mad shit about you YOU WONT FUCKING KNOW BC SHE’LL STILL ACT LIKE UR BEST FRIEND WHEN SHES FORCED TO INTERACT whereas well. i mean in real life at least. the SECOND i start disliking someone… you’ll usually know. WHICH IS A PROBLEM BC THIS ONE GIRL WHO RECENTLY BECAME GIRL I WANNA FUCKING MURDER #1 ON MY HIT LIST. became. convinced. that i fucking hated her. and she was right! but P was working w her on two projects so i had to pretend i didn’t 😭😭 anyway i dodged her attempts to have lunch w me last friday and she hasn’t texted me since. AND we have a theory that C <- codename for my most hated girl in school <- u will feel genuinely murderous if you find out why. Like. KNOWS? we don’t like her anymore? and only communicates w us for school stuff?

BUT THIS OTHER GIRL IN THEIR FRIEND GROUP FOR THE SEMESTER (i genuinely think they will all stop being friends the moment they don’t have classes together) -> lets call her A . like. LOVES P now? so back to what actually happened. SHE WALKED INTO CLASS AT 8:35AM AND FUCKING SAT IN MY SEAT.

when she KNOWS that seat is saved for me.

and well. P and I have this ongoing joke that she’s the fake bitch and i have the biggest fucking balls ever because. i just fucking. say crazy daring shit sometimes. and this other enemy we have, B (trust me she is SO bad that her entire cohort in her year above us GOT HER KICKED OUT OF A CLASS BECAUSE OF HOW AWFUL SHE WAS) got like intimidated by me during a zoom call bc she was bored and started running everything we were all writing through GRAMMARLY when we werent even done writing our part on this PEER REVIEW ASSIGNMENT about another group. and it pissed me off so i told her ‘hey is it okay if you don’t edit my work until i’m done with it? sorry, it’s distracting’ and well she didn’t edit my work at all after that and sounded scared when she talked to me KFKSKD i mean i was TRYING to be nice but well IDK

anyway. because of P’s tiny balls. and also because it all happened so fast. and also because I WASNT THERE TO DEFEND MY FUCKING SEAT. and the fact that i was gonna be so abysmally late there was no point in saving me a seat. P couldn’t really do anything to stop her

BUT DID A KNOW THAT? NO SHE FUCKING DIDNT. i could’ve been there a minute later and i wouldn’t have had A FUCKING SEAT. I DIDNT NEED IT BUT ITS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER .

SO. A started PEEKING AT P’S LAPTOP. and was like who’re u texting?? (me) who’s the trio?? (me S & P) and when she found out P was texting me she smirked and was like ‘tell michelle im sitting in her seat’ and so P texted me that HOPING id get the hint that A was watching (I DID THANKFULLY) and i was like WHAT THE FUCK but i hope you realize the back is BETTER than the front

moving on. A’s reasoning for sitting in my seat was that C sat TOO up front (IT WAS LITERALLY ONE ROW IN FRONT OF WHERE THEY ALLEGEDLY USUALLY SIT ?) and that was like too much for her to handle apparently. anyway. P and C had to consult w the professor for a panel discussion they have to lead on wednesday. so A was like come look for us after for lunch!! <- we didn’t. but does A take the hint? NO! even C had the mind to walk away after the consultation instead of trying to join me P and S. which i now realize. is so. Salt and Pepper. ANYWAY. A keeps texting P!!!! and fucking telling her to sit with her during the next class??????

oh. we have another friend. his name is H. i met him in a cursed group project last year and he saved me during summer when i got sick and missed classes. he’s really sweet and i hope he’s always my friend. ANYWAY. he was gone during all this because his sociolinguistic project group (which B is INNNNNN JFC) insisted on them all eating lunch together. and before they left P was talking to H and B saw and was like Um… are u close to P? during the lunch. and he was like yeah i am what about it. oh right y’all are in a group project for another class right? and B was like yeah… ig P and michelle are kind of hard to work with… like we were supposed to be doing an assignment and they were playing games in class :/ -> WE WEREN’T. also. WE WERE DONE??? WITH WHAT WE NEEDED TO DO? AND THE ASSIGNMENT WAS FARRRRR FROM BEING DUE and i told them. i wasn’t gonna do anything else in class that day because i had a huge test and i was really sleep deprived so any work i did wouldn’t be good. and EVERYONE ELSE WAS FINE WITH THAT. BUT HER????? she claimed to be ‘90% done’ with her bit by the end of class. mf i don’t trust the quality of ur fucking work 😭😭 and finding she was only in our class bc everyone else in the year hated her so much she got HELD BACK was fucking vindicating. like she does fucking nothing but get upset that her non-existent ideas don’t get used only to act like she does everything (WHEN SHE DOESN’T)… other groups in our class were TERRIFIED to get paired w our group for the peer review assigmment BC THEY ALL FUCKING HATE HER

anyway. KFKSKDKSKDKD. we meet H in our second class of the day. we saved a seat for him as we usually do. BUT IT WAS ALSO. ME AND P’S PLAN. to fucking. get seats in the back hidden by a pillar. SO WE DIDNT HAVE TO SIT WITH A. anyway i said ok im gonna be on ur left we are gonna put H on yr right so EVEN IF A MOVES SHE CANT DO SHIT. eventually. A realizes we r all the way at the back and she’s like WTF ARE U DOING THERE? COME HERE? and P had to start fake bitching and wave over and gesture that they should move to US

A starts DMing P. and sends her a video message (a thing on telegram) where her and this other girl r jamming to some song the professor’s playing in class. and P is like oh god… we have to send one back. and she’s like. michelle. you have to fake bitch with me. and i start fake crying and i go I DONT WANNA ☹️☹️☹️ and she’s like YOU HAVE TO… WE NEED TO FAKE BITCH BACK… and i was like okay :(((( and so we sent one back. AND THEY SENT BACK ANOTHER MESSAGE ??? so P was like ok nvm fuck this im not sending another back fuck u

after class. P’s granddad is picking us up (P asked me if i wanted to come with and i was like SURE) and we bump into the girls and A is like . WEIRDLY TOUCHY with P. and im like ????? bc even i don’t touch P like that 😭😭 and we were like um haha bye maybe we’ll sit together in class next time ! and me and P got into the lift WHICH THANKFULLY NO ONE FOLLOWED US INTO. and we were like WHAT THE FUCKKKKK and started pointing middle fingers at her (we are 12) and so we get into the car and i WIND UP HANGING OUT AT HER HOUSE ALL DAY

this is um. the third time ive been there? and today her mom was home and this is the first time im meeting her mom (who LOVES me btw. her grandparents love me too. IM EXCELLENT AT MAKING OLD PEOPLE LOVE ME. or well. old chinese people. im a lot better at P at speaking chinese which helps???? IG???? idk they think me and P are very similar and that im very cute)

the whole time im at P’s house vibing she gets texts from A and well P accidentally told A that theres a test tomorrow (IN 30 MINUTES BABY) its just a small quiz tbh but A was like OMG DO U WANNA STUDY WITH ME????? so P ignored her texts because SHE WOULD RATHER DIE and anyway P walked me to the bus at like 9 something at night… and A asked P for her discord… so P told her but didn’t add her to P’s private server (which im in) and she used her boyfriend as an excuse for not being able to call her <- when i got home me P and her bf hopped into VC together

OH YEAH. UM. P CONVINCED ME TO GO ON A VACATION W HER. AFTER THE SEMESTER ENDS. her bf and we had a bit all day where like bc i was at her house he was like WTF ARE U CHEATING ON ME… and then sent like clown memes fkdkfkskdksdk like he was a clown etc… so i was like im gonna start threatening to fuck u to keep him in line (he lives in malaysia where we are going) MOVING ON. im going for essentially 2 weeks and P’s going for like 3 and afterwards she’s coming back w her bf and we’re gonna hang out AGAIN (we have a dinner reservation together in DECEMBER) <- i booked a ticket next to her and everything

so A in in a discord w C and they have facecams on?,? for some reason. and P claims she has to help her bf w homework bc its due tomorrow (HAHAHAHAHAH) and A gets annoyed and is like… why do you care??? why do u have to help him???? and P is like ???? bc i love him…????? and i was like WTFFFFF hearing this in VC (bc i was showering while it happened) and i told her bf u think i wanna steal ur girl??? she wants to STEAL ur girl from me AND you And he was like wtffffffff WTFFFDDD anyway un

THATS ALL ill give more updates if any of you wanna hear more??? LMAOOOOO IVE BEEN NOT REPLYING TO P THIS ENTIRE TOME IVE BEEN TYPIG THIS OUT BC I WANTED TO PUT IT SOMEWHWRE IN CASE ANOTHER FRIEND WANTS TO KNOW FJSKDKSKDJSJD its very messy . BYE

#replies #long post #personal

[capaldiera]

i’m just being unreasonable here but

still thinking about mulcahy in that fanfic and like UGH the author didnt GET him.the fact i'm still thinking about the fic is a credit to them and it was really good on the other characters but it was like he was such an afterthought and it's so clear it was bc he's just.. not interesting in their mind and they just don't Understand... like i get why the others wouldn't like include him in their little group conversation bc like he is a priest and if you don't know he's gonna get it you wouldnt talk around him.and maybe he Wouldnt get it but he Could tho and maybe they don't know that but at least he could be invited into the larger group come on now... CHarles is part of the group and he's completely oblivious but you're all even here (at his wedding reception) bc of him. but like by and trapper showed mulcahy some photos of their kids and then he was just sitting talking to potter and mildred the whole time it's like everyone's married and has kids now so he has to sit with the old people.. like ik he wouldnt probably be getting involved in the shenanigans and the dancing or whatever but at least give me some real conversations with the other characters come on.. and in the epilogue the notes were like ok a mulcahy chapter bc someone asked and i was like yay :) but it's him thinking like oh i surprised myself by enjoying everyone's antics even tho i spent so much time during the war trying to convince them to stop like first of all... girl where. like a good deal less than half the time were you doing that. i'm not saying he isn't capable of that level of self-deception but thats clearly not the angle the author was taking. like this guy was on s1 characterisation and everyone else was on s15 idc if he's worse or better but make him more Something. i want character progression of some kind not regression. or at least if it's regression make it intentional and in juxtaposition to the development of the others. or like make it about the reasons he got more boring that would be interesting. like idk man he can be fun. its usually cringe and mostly only fun for him but he can be fun! there was one moment where hawkeye is feeling the toll of being forced back into his role as the social center of the group and mulcahy gives him a kind understanding look and i was like Thank God at least you understand Something like yeah! he has connections with understanding and respect and friendship and it's not just like oh yeah mulcahy. he was the priest right? he had Friends let me see them interact.. anyway this is petty and i am not the person the author wrote for and i would like to stress again i really did enjoy the fic i would recommend it in fact. wasn't always my personal interpretations of the characters but it always made sense and it was beautiful. except for boringcahy 😔🙄 (ok even that was really not bad like he was fine it was nice to see him. and he and hawkeye spoke in sign language that was nice. they just didn't get him like i do (my interpretation is not the most canonest either tbh i do know that but that's bc i Built upon canon. bc i paid attention so i have something to build from) ok bye

#me.txt #mashposting #shrek voice he wasn't even fruity.. #or bitchy tbh! tho he Was mentioned as being bitchy before he actually showed up... that was fun i forgot that #love that from him

[lesbianmarrow]

i finished legends of tomorrow 5.06 “mortal khanbat” it was nice :) not my favorite but a fun decent episode. felt a bit like a season 3 episode. i think there was just like a combination of small things that made this episode less enjoyable for me personally. but it wasn’t a bad episode at all. caity lotz’s directing seemed good (from what i can tell - i’m hardly a directing expert) and i especially enjoyed that one fight sequence that occurred early in the episode. 

mostly i was irritated by the charlie/behrad love drama. i do appreciate the opportunity to get to know a little more about charlie and see how she reacts when stressed, but i didn’t like the added romance complications. it’s not that the love drama wasn’t believable, bc it definitely was. i didn’t feel that charlie or behrad was out of character. i just found it kind of cliche and boring. charlie is such a dynamic character with such a unique perspective, and to slot her into this cw romance plot would just kind of do a disservice to the character. plus we already have one lovesick guy pining after a girl who doesn’t want him (nate), i don’t really need another one. at least it seemed by the end of the episode that they were just friends and both okay with that. i do hope it stays that way. behrad seems like a nice friend to have. 

the plot itself was okay. i am always a bit wary when this show uses asian characters or sets the episode in asia because it always feels like it’s going to be racist. this one didn’t feel terribly racist the way arrow often does but it still wasn’t ideal imo. i didn’t like that they killed that lady cop, and so gruesomely. and the accented english is always a choice. but you know it could’ve been a lot worse. i loved the electric scooter and how that became genghis khan’s transportation and weapon. i thought it was so funny and delightful. i loved when charlie stabbed him with the sword and stole his toothpick, definitely an all-time favorite charlie moment. 

i didn’t like the constantine stuff in this episode as much, partly because it’s just yucky to see him so sick but also idk it was kind of boring and predictable. like we know he’s not going to die but we also know he won’t be cured till the end of the episode......idk it just felt like it wasn’t as creative as it could have been. the message at the end was supposed to be that constantine realizes the value of friendship but the episode didn’t really succeed at making that hit as hard as it couldve i think. i guess the other issue is that gary is very one-note throughout the whole thing, like he just is kind of hysterical for the duration, and it gets stale. i do like that we will have constantine and astra working together apparently....i wonder how that will go. 

finally charlie and zari 2 meet :) i like that zari likes charlie’s fashion sense. it’s very different from her own, but it’s still its own bold distinct style and that’s something zari can respect. i might be imagining things but it definitely felt to me like they were both checking each other out. i also enjoyed when zari found out charlie can shapeshift and charlie started flirting with her. i know she was probably doing it in part to annoy behrad and drive him away, and that annoys me, but with that aside i thought it was cute. i couldn’t tell if zari was also flirting or if she just thought shapeshifting was really cool. i got the vibe that zari understood that charlie was flirting with her and she enjoyed that attention, but i’m not sure if she would consider herself attracted to women or if she identifies as straight. i guess maybe we will see. #zarlie for the win. 

so great to finally learn about charlie’s secret past. charlie breaking the loom bc she came to believe that everyone should be free to choose their own destiny is so her and so legends of tomorrow. just like snart! i literally love it so much. i suspect there’s more to the story that charlie isn’t telling, a personal reason why she broke the loom, but maybe we’ll find out later. i wonder what charlie’s sisters will be like. i am actually so psyched for this plotline. 

last thing i wanna mention is i thought it was so cute when ava didn’t understand nate’s euphemisms for sex. feels like this season the writers are pushing how silly they can be with ava and it turns out the answer is: very silly :p ok that’s all i have to say for now

#legends of tomorrow #legends charlie #behrad tarazi #legends constantine #zari tarazi #zarlie #ava sharpe #syl posts

[many-but-one]

hi system question!! it’s like the different names I have feel like completely different people and I suddenly feel like “well I’m (name) now I should go by name bc now I’m him again I am name” like. one name has its own personality, body/features, species, aesthetic, likes, pronouns, etc. and the other is very different in those ways. so Ive called these alters bc well they seem to be different people when u look at them. and different people use different names. and it’s not rlly me using the names just for fun as names but bc they feel like people and those are their names. but idk how to be sure that I’m not just forcing myself to be them or making up ocs/personas/etc. as far as I’m aware singlets don’t have this kind of situation with names unless they are purposefully forcing another persona for some reason like as a thing online or with a new person they meet .. but isn’t that what alters and switching Feels like… feeling like another person who uses another name?…if not then what bc when u feel like different people and each people use different names then ? plus when u also have trauma and dissociation and possible amnesia if amnesia counts as your memories feeling faded/void and not remembering lasts weeks/months and feeling like earlier in the day is far away and didn’t happen.. yet not recalling switching during those times where u don’t remember . is this what alters feel like?

Hello anon! This is Jules!

I first want to preface that I am not a professional so I am not going to definitively say "Yes! You have alters!" Because I don't know you at all and I am not your therapist. I am going to share my experiences and experiences of other systems I've talked to to try and help you get an idea of what having alters feels like. Just know that DID can be difficult to nail down, and many other disorders can be mistaken for DID, which is why it often takes so long for DID systems to receive a diagnosis. (Many systems spend many years in the psychiatric system being misdiagnosed with stuff that presents similarly to untreated DID.)

For me, Jules, having alters in the beginning (before I knew as many as I know today) felt very strange. I had very little communication, and even though they had always been present, I never really understood that they were there. Because all of the memories I've ever had have included them. (Well, most of them.) For example, I learned that our gatekeeper was co-con with me for a large part of my college career, literally ALL THE TIME. It was during this time I was certain I was a trans man because I felt male all the time and had extreme body dysphoria. Well, James is a cis male and gets body dysphoria because we are AFAB. However, James kept high walls between me and everyone else so I had no idea that they existed. Any voices that leaked out I just assumed was my inner thoughts. Which led to some funny "wait, why would I think that?" moments all throughout my life that I remember very vividly. In my freshman year of college things were absolutely crazy internally because I was starting to catch on that something fishy was happening. Stuff started coming out and I heard voices a lot and sometimes felt like I wasn't myself. Actually, a lot of the time I felt like I wasn't myself. I don't know how to perfectly put it into words, but basically things I enjoyed normally I found boring or I liked foods I normally wouldn't, or I acted very erratic and different from my normal demeanor. My mother says she noticed this and didn't really know what to do. She mentioned (when I told her I had DID a few months ago) that I would sometimes have extreme amnesia for things that she was sure I would know (like what we did yesterday, something big like a party) or just full-on act very aggressive and out of character. She recalled I also talked about how I always felt like I was dreaming and had a hard time distinguishing dreams from reality. She said there were multiple occasions where she would come into my room or a back area of our house and just see me staring off into space. She would try to get my attention and I would respond, but very distantly, like I wasn't really hearing her. I have no memory of these events. I told her that I was likely dissociating.

Once I understood alters existed in my fifth year of college and James started leaving front more often to work on other things internally, I started to recognize when he wasn't there. And when he was I could "feel" his presence, even if he wasn't speaking. Almost like having an aura or a vibe. It was incredibly comforting to me. He had always been there, since the very very beginning and had always protected me and everyone else. Of course he was comforting! Though, he was definitely quite cold and harsh at times, as he was very adamant in making sure I was not aware of trauma memories.

Nowadays that I am finally and truly accepting that the disorder exists and now have counted (I think???) about 29ish alters and fragments, things are much more fluid and it's easier to tell "oh, Foster is near front, he's starting to blend with me which means he might front soon." There is a lot less amnesia for us nowadays too because I am almost always co-con or at least semi-aware of what's going on in front. It's taken over a year of specialized DID therapy to get this far. My DID therapy is moving very quickly, which came from a lot of working on communication outside of therapy and taking breaks when necessary. (Going mach speed through DID therapy is not advised...I learned that the hard way.) Since more trauma has come out recently, things have been slowing down a lot...which I prefer, honestly. Slow and steady wins the race. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

So yeah, the feeling that someone else is fronting soon or feeling their presence seems to be normal. I can say "Pain is co-con and Foster is around/nearby" and that would make sense in a DID context.

However, other symptoms of DID are necessary, which you have mentioned. Such as amnesia for life occurrences, amnesia for trauma, etc. I've heard OSDD systems have less amnesia but can still have it, but perhaps not as much blackouts as DID folks have. And parts in OSDD-1b can be defined, but I heard more passive type switches are more common, as in "becoming" someone else rather than a "hard switch" that would happen in folks with DID who suffer from amnesia. I am not an expert in OSDD (or DID, I just happen to have the latter and have worked with specialist and asked a lot of questions in that time.) so if someone has more info (preferably with sources if you can because OSDD is VERY misunderstood in the system community and I want you to receive correct information) please feel free to contribute.

I think if you believe you have trauma, experience amnesia and dissociation to some degree, and feel like you have different self-states that take control of the body in some way (even if it's not physical control, such as being co-con and liking things you wouldn't normally like or acting strange when you are still in control because of passive influence) then there's a possibility that DID/OSDD could be involved. However, other disorders can present similarly to DID like I already mentioned, which is a big reason why DID takes so long to diagnose. If I were you, I would do a lot more research regarding the subject and not only ask me, a random Tumblr system that doesn't know you. XD I am happy to educate, but I am not going to diagnose. Even if I was a licensed therapist I would not be able to do so because I really don't know enough about your situation.

Depending on your view of syscourse, there are some really great blogs that provide fantastic information about DID. Here they are:

@justanothersyscourse

@constellation-of-us

@foreverfragmented (this blog as a Google Drive full of DID/OSDD information in their pinned post which is fantastic.)

There used to be a blog called anti-endo-agony-auncles and I know they changed their url but I cannot for the life of me remember it so anyone knows it please tell me. They are also a fantastic resource.

This blog talks about DID recovery without psychiatry, which is badass if it works for you:

@holywheel

For support and positivity for trauma survivors (not just DID systems):

@traumasurvivors

Just know that some of these blogs require you to be an adult, and they are anti-endo. A fantastic system that is unaligned in syscourse is @circulars-reasoning. Though they seem to focus more on the syscourse side of things, which I don't recommend early on in trying to figure out what's going on with you. I made that mistake and, similarly to circulars-reasoning, was involved in the endo community for a while which only proved to confuse me more. Because I didn't believe I had trauma, but was experiencing DID symptoms regardless.

ALSO do not expect to get a diagnosis out of any of these blogs either, as you should not be trying to get a diagnosis from someone on Tumblr. However, these folks have good information that might help clear some things up. Overall, you should do research from scholarly sources, they are available as pdfs basically everywhere nowadays.

Good luck, stay safe, and be well.

Peace!

-Jules

#anon #anon asks #jules #jules answers #advice #did #did osdd #dissociative system #did alters #trauma #dissociative identity disorder #did system #traumagenic system #osddid #alters #asks #to the folks that I tagged #if you want me to remove a tag #please let me know!!! #I don't want to make you uncomfortable #I just love y'all's blogs and you have great info that isn't heavily uninformed like 99% of did tumblr

[valentinesweetheartspecial]

I’m gonna be honest I try not to post too much about hating white people bc I feel like I don’t understand a lot of about how I count as a person of color cuz im an American born iranian. and you’ve all seen my selfies I am not super dark skinned, I’m fr just tan and the reason people here clock me as not white is bc they’re all whiter than fucking paper. Despite all this , I need to say that for like two months I’m gonna be hateposting about white women because These fucking insane people do not know how to read about racist America in the 1900s without going “idk this is boring Can we get to the part where they’re violently racist” and then when we get to the violent racism they’re like “Omg it’s so problematic why are we reading this in scjool”. Kill Yo Self