#i would do it myself but i have neither the means nor ability

[dangerous-advantage]

i refuse to believe mxtx has not listened to at least one or both of the songs 'viva la vida' by coldplay, and 'pompeii' by bastille. i refuse

#this isn't even me like vaguely connecting lyrics to characters like i love to do (see 'third eye' and 'third eye (demo)' for hua cheng) #like istg i could make a full analysis post about how these two songs (especially the latter) #relate to xie lian and bai wuxiang respectively #i could do it right now #and NO this post was not brought about by my ardent desire to have an actually GOOD mash-up of those two songs #that combines elements of both while keeping a fair balance between both songs. #like come on PLEASE i *need* to listen to a mash-up where the person doing it confidently puts together the respective bridges #it CAN be done and if you do everything else at least semi-well and it sounds smooth then you WILL have created a masterpiece #i would do it myself but i have neither the means nor ability #anyway. didn't mean to ramble off on that tangent. #jk i totally did lmaoooo #this post is about tgcf btw. if you didn't pick up on that. lmao #tgcf #tian guan ci fu #xie lian #bai wuxiang #this post is so vague i feel bad tagging anyone else lmao #hob #heaven official's blessing

[dancingundermoonlight101]

-Orion Pax's Diary-

Is there a right way to love? Or is love subjective to the one experiencing it? It is not often me and Megaronus speak on the subject. He thinks it is something only those privileged enough to not worry about death are allowed to feel and pursue. But that doesn't mean we haven't talked about it.

I have heard, whether he knows it or not, the exact way he'd love. He'd not be shy on compliments. Megaronus would admire the one he loves from head to pede and say out loud how beautiful they'd be. Gorgeous. He'd admire their frame silently, too. His optics full of worship.

It has me thinking about the way I love him. I feel like I'm lacking. I know subjectively that Megatronus is a very attractive mech, yet that's not what I think about when I'm with him. I think on the way he makes me feel, how his presence draws me in, and how his words always capture my attention. He is a melody I'd never tire of hearing. A flawed painting that I'd never tire of seeing. But even so, do I truly love him if I can't even compliment his looks? It feels like a no-brainer in my processor. Megatronus is undeniably attractive. But I feel like since it's such an obvious thing that it would be alright to not mention it. Primus, why am I even thinking about this? Megatronus doesn't love me. But.. if we were to be together. Would this be the cause of some problems? Would he want to receive compliments but find none with me? I don't want that. I want Megatronus to always know how much I love him! But do I really love him? Well, the answer is yes. But what if it's just deep admiration? Sure, my spark aches to think him betrothed to another, and I might already be planning a lonely future for myself where he's already conjuxed, and I can't let go of these feelings. But what if they're just that? Daydreams? Could I be in love with how unattainable he is?

My reason for thinking this is how often dreams I'm having include me and Megaronus possibly being together. Megatronus confessed to me in one of them, yet I felt conflicted. I wanted to emediatly say yes, but another part of me felt speechless. I didn't want to accept, but I didn't want to deny either. Neither I nor him are ready for commitment. He himself has told me that. I wouldn't want to selfishly jump into a relationship that won't last. I want me and Megaronus to be together for a long, long time. But these dreams keep reminding me how I'm likely not going to want a relationship with him without that trust that I'm not just a spur of the moment choice.

It's foolish and an insult to Megatronus to think him so shallow. He would definitely put a lot of thought into his decision. But the anxiety in my spark can't help but think that I'm not going to be worthy of such thought. That if he were to confess to me, I would just be the easy option because of how much I want to be with him. It hurts. I have never felt such conflicting feelings inside me. Would others judge me? "Why love a mech you can't trust?" Or "If you don't want to be something with him right now, why still pursue him?"

I love him, and I do trust him. I just don't trust myself. Who would love and cherish the thoughts and ideas of a boring librarian like me? I'm not even that attractive, nor am I strong. He would definitely want to be with someone as strong as him. His equal. Megatronus has a mind like no other. I hope that, if I try hard enough, I can stand together with him. At least in that regard.

He challenges my thinking, my way of life. I love how he inspires change in me like no other. Perhaps I have tunnel vision, but I see no other future I'd rather have than one where me and him are together. There would never be a day I wouldn't thank Primus for letting me be lucky enough to be with him. Where I wouldn't try my best to let him know how much he is loved. How he is worthy of every achievement. I would comfort him, too, to the best of my abilities when something is wrong.

I just.. want to experience all the good and bad that life has to offer with him. Forever. It's just.. not the right time.

Will there ever be a right time?

#megop #transformers #angst #megatronus #orion pax #optimus prime #megatron #megatron x optimus prime #i love writing #I'm sleepy #had inspiration #I just love talking about love #it's a drug #my drug #Orion loves Megatronus a lot #he just worries. a lot. #feels like he's not enough #or just not Megatronus's type #transformers prime

[goodluckclove]

How I Critique Writing (A Loose Collection of Tips)

Someone asked me for insights into my methodology when it comes to giving feedback on writing and I realized I had way more than I could say in a reasonable amount of private messages. Are you someone who I've spoken to about their writing? Did someone send you their work and you don't know how to respond? Maybe this will help? Based on how people react I feel like it might be controversial but it seems to work.

When someone sends me their writing, no matter the size, subject or genre, I:

Take it seriously. It's a generational epic about the Vietnam war and its effects. It's a cute, young adult romance. It's Zim and Dib from Invader Zim realizing they've always been in love with each other. All of these things can be written with earnestness, strength, honesty and skill. It's fucking hard to write and if someone writes a single sentence that wouldn't otherwise exist its worth holding in your hands and examining with the same eye as if you were taking an interesting book off the shelf.

Respond with curiosity. It's common for critiques to follow a theme of ambiguous disdain. This doesn't work. Delete this. Bad. No. Gross. Guess what? That's not helpful. If you got that feedback, even if you followed it, you wouldn't be thrilled about it. Oftentimes you can take a line that makes you want to say Bad and ask something else. What is this supposed to express? What were you trying to do here? Am I supposed to feel happy/sad/uncertain when I read this? Curiosity can reframe something that you don't think works as a reader and turn it into an opportunity for the writer to look inward and solve their own problem. They might explain what they were trying to do, and if you were to say that it didn't pan out for you they're way more likely to tweak things themselves and feel like they still have control over their project.

Give comments. I've started giving more in-depth comments on the writing people give me depending on how anxious they are about it. If you're a pretty confident writer I'll give a summary of what I gained and what I was left wondering, what I thought and what I felt, what associations it made me think of in terms of tone and other forms of media - stuff like that. For newer writers, especially those who are far more doubting of their own abilities, I go buck wild. And in my opinion notes should be less like Good! I like this! Wow! Nice! (What are you, grading my book report? No thanks), and more like what you think when you're reading a book you're truly invested in. Make jokes about the characters (Not mean ones. I will send bugs to you in the mail.), chart exact lines that provoke physical reactions, even a small one. Can you imagine reading someone treat your work like it has its own fandom on Tumblr? You can do that for someone else.

Fucking have some fucking awareness of the fact that it might not be for you and that doesn't mean it's bad. I'm angry about this one considering the novel a friend sent me last night that they've been too terrified to try and post online, despite it being fucking brilliant. I'll try and calm down. Listen - you read what you like. I mainly read literary and experimental fiction, some poetry, horror and some sci-fi. Not a lot of genre fiction. But I will always be down to read someone's high fantasy story, because even though I don't really like fantasy I know what the good ones sound like. I've forced myself to gain a sense of what someone else would like, even if I don't like it. And I can still critique it. If I'm a builder and I see a house that's painted a shade of green I find sinful for a home (i.e. mint), I can look past that and focus on the state of the walls and the stability of the foundation. You aren't a reviewer, man. You are neither Siskel, nor Ebert. They write for readers, you write for writers. So you don't like historical fiction? Cool, man. Congrats. If someone trusts you enough to give you some to read and critique, you should still do so objectively. If you give it an automatic F because you wouldn't buy it, then you are legally a stinky little trash man. That's just the law.

Ask them what they liked to write and what was the hardest. There's apparently a weird trend on online writer communities that say there are specific rules that all writers need to follow. This is not true. It just isn't. If the dialogue in a story you read is weak, and the writer says they hate writing dialogue and really struggle with it, maybe tell them they don't have to use it. You might change their entire life.

RESPOND WITH CURIOSITY. You see the Ask games where people try and get more detail on the WIP of certain authors. If you have a WIP and I ask you a worldbuilding question that doesn't relate to the direct plot of the story as it exists now, I bet you'd like to talk about it. If I ask if you were inspired by a certain tone or movie, you might know the work I was talking about and feel happy. Or you might not know it, look it up, and feel inspired. I don't think people realize that a critique of new/unfinished writing is not a one-and-done exchange. You are taking part in an isolated process in a way few other people on the planet will. It's not homework. It's. Not. Homework. We spend so much of our time alone just fiddling our hands and making our magic, and in instances like these we share something in one of the ultimate forms of artistic trust. They're taking you into a world that hasn't fully formed yet. Is it cool? Can you tell me about it? Can they?

Be nice. Storytime, friends. In the way early 2010s, there was something on the internet called sporking. It was pretty much a line by line roast of someone's writing - typically fanfic. And I hate to say this, but I read a lot of it. I was 13, somehow untreated and overmedicated, and I was miserable constantly. Just cold in my chest. At one point I had the chance to critique a stranger's story - probably another child - and I essentially mocked the whole thing. They ended up deleting the story off the website. I cannot begin to describe to you the shame I feel about doing this, even ten years later. It burns in my heart and makes me sick to my stomach. If you are a serious writer, especially a young writer, and you insult another writer's craft to their face just as they're getting started - you will regret it. I promise you that. You will think about holding something alive and full of potential in your hands and squeezing your fists until it is just flecks of meat and crushed bone. It will haunt you. Maybe only a little, but constantly and for the rest of your life. So don't do it.

Wow what a grim note to leave on! That's essentially my philosophy on writing critique, do with it what you will. Want to send me some writing to receive this kind of excessive treatment? Cool! I have an email in my pinned post and I'll do that! I'm also down to chat if anyone wants to send me asks or DMs on writing/writing struggles/publishing tips.

#writers on tumblr #writeblr #writing #on writing #writing community #authors of tumblr #actually writing #queer writers #fanfic writing #writing critique #writing criticism #writing tips #writing help #writing resources #writing inspiration #i went crazy on this one didn't i

[tempestgnostic]

The Werewolf: Archetype and Identity

Someday I’ll make a list of my alterhuman and otherhearted identities, but I’m not sure when that will be. For now, I’ll just talk about the the most prominent one: The Werewolf. I capitalize the name for both its significance and the fact that it’s an archetypal identity, so to speak. (I also use he/him throughout this essay, simply because I’m speaking of The Werewolf in relation to myself, and as myself.) I’m not a specific werewolf in any sense, and I’m not drawn from just one piece of folklore, or even one broad interpretation. It’s much bigger than that. Of course, explaining all the finer details would require an essay, and time is at a premium nowadays. Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit, and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief. Pay no attention to the appropriately-timed readmore.

Let’s look at an example of what I mean: the eponymous baron in Bisclavret is a specific werewolf, but he’s also one of many depictions of The Werewolf as a somewhat noble being who is wronged by others—in this case, his wife—as a consequence of his true nature. This “noble beast” interpretation can be contrasted with folk tales of feral werewolves who threaten villagers and fear neither torch nor blade. Werewolves aren’t solely monsters meant to inspire empathy or fear, however. They can also serve specific literary functions, often as symbols of broader concepts and experiences. The werewolf story can be used as a metaphor for a young person coming-of-age, a challenging tale of tangling with the darker aspects of human nature, or even as an exploration of queer identity and the liminal spaces we occupy. These are certainly not unique to werewolves, and the latter is especially common among other creatures embraced by the horror genre.

Each broad interpretation of The Werewolf feels to me like a part of my identity on some level. I’m the werewolf who feels guilty for the harm he’s done, who tries to resist his feral urges, but I’m also the one who embraces that side and indulges in it. I’m the werewolf who was born this way, the one who was blessed (or cursed) by some spirit or deity, but also the one who was bitten or scratched—forever changed out of cruelty, indifference, or even a dark perversion of love. The only bits of werewolf folklore I won’t engage with on some level are those from practices and cultures that are closed for me. They’re not mine to claim on any level—certainly not in any way that would be respectful.

Like so many in our community, my connection to The Werewolf is intricately intertwined with almost all other aspects of my identity. I’m genderqueer, yet I strictly use he/him pronouns. I have a beard—a thick one, at that—and a flat chest, yet I also identify myself as butch and sapphic. It’s been uniquely gender-affirming for me to have partners who identify as lesbians—to be fully seen and understood as butch. It would feel incredibly uncomfortable and even dysphoric for me to be with a straight woman. Even within queer spaces, at times I feel either gravely misunderstood or utterly invisible. I am, on some level, expected to conform, and my refusal to do so marks me at best as ‘confused,’ and at worst as a threat.

I embrace the androgyny in my voice and mannerisms, and I easily—often unintentionally—slip into different social presentations depending on who’s around me. (I’m also autistic, to no one’s surprise.) Code-switching comes naturally to me, likely as a result of having to cobble together adequate social skills over the course of a decade, but also as a matter of safety as a queer person who’s only ever lived in red states. The Werewolf is a liminal creature, existing in several different worlds at once and moving through them with varying levels of ability. I am no different—charming and quick to make friends when I know the social landscape, and terribly awkward and clumsy when I don’t.

In the interest of keeping this even remotely readable in one sitting, I’ll wrap this up here. The Werewolf can be a charismatic yet dangerous lover, a pitiful and wretched thing, a creature just beyond the veil of understanding, or even a kindred spirit. I am and have been all of these things, both in my external life and my mind’s inner world. I experience phantom and mental shifts, and I see myself in so many depictions of werewolves in media. This part of my identity plays a vital role for me in kink—though I’ll save the details for a properly 18+ post—in my relationship dynamics, in my pagan spirituality, and many other parts of my life. It fits neatly over my gender expression like a second skin and provides a backdrop for my social presence. I am The Werewolf As Archetype: a being representing liminality, transformation, and embracing authenticity—at any cost. It is a vital part of me, without which I would cease to be.

#alterhuman #alterhumanity #folcintera #otherkin #werewolfkin #alterhuman community #alterhuman essays

[littlesparklight]

Hi, I have a Question about Odysseus and Circe:

Does Odysseus really need the Moly herb? Why does Odysseus need to drink Circe's potion? Is Odysseus not allowed to simply walk up to Circe, refuse any drink and threaten her at sword point to turn his men back from being pigs? Or is there something I'm not getting...

Without the moly he's susceptible to magic!

Unless I'm wrong from how I'm reading the text, neither the men nor Odysseus need to drink/consume anything Kirke has drugged to be affected by her magic. The drugs and the magic are two different things; the drugged drink she serves the men makes them forget their homes/past, whatever the point is to that, but seems to have no further connection to her touching them with her wand to transform them.

And I mean... allowed and allowed. Sure he could, literally nothing is stopping him, but it'd be a bad idea.

Kirke isn't mortal. Isn't a mortal woman to whom a sword is that dangerous. Isn't your regular nymph. She's a goddess-nymph at the least, or a minor goddess - her magic isn't the only power she has.

Now, yes, Hermes says "she will be frightened" after Odysseus proves impervious to her magic, and the narrative repeats that when Odysseus confronts her.

However.

"She will then be frightened and will desire you to go to bed with her; on this you must not point blank refuse her, for you want her to set your companions free, and to take good care also of yourself, but you make her swear solemnly by all the blessed that she will plot no further mischief against you, or else when she has got you naked she will unman you and make you fit for nothing.’" (Samuel Butler's translation)

Whether we're taking Odysseus at his word - twice - that he's retelling this bit exactly as it happened/the emotions of Kirke sincerely represented or not, Hermes makes it very clear. Kirke is not harmless or really under Odysseus' power even if she's "frightened" by him holding her at swordpoint after he's proven impervious to her magic.

Note the oath as well. Even if Odysseus is honestly a credible threat to her while he's holding the sword at her and in possession of the moly herb, he cannot do so indefinitely. Kirke and her power(s) aren't so easily neutralized.

I can imagine her retaliation after being threatened this way, even if it's not a true threat to her, would be quite spectacular if she hadn't been maneuvered into the oath. Gods aren't very forgiving when they've been humiliated, after all. Kirke seems to have gotten fond of him, however, so it's probably that more than his ability to keep her under control (which he can't) that keeps him (and his men, after) safe.

(Now, I've seen posts here and there noting that Odysseus tells the most fantastic parts of the Odyssey himself and he's a noted liar. And sure, you can contemplate if he's being truthful, and how much he is so, exactly because of this. If I was going to take a stab at it myself, I'd say everything basically happened exactly as he said it did, but he might have done some authorial editing - Kirke being afraid could be one of those little touches of change.)

#asks #greek myth thoughts #odysseus #circe

[prairiedust]

one thousand days of destiel, or cas: fuckerupper of endings

Idk why I’m crawling out from under my woodpile to write this, except that it occurred to me that in three years I’ve not rewatched a single episode of Supernatural and have at least two dozen tags yet blacklisted on tumblr, and that I am still not okay about this stupid show.

I never tried to tie up the folklore/author themes I’d been geeking out about through the last seasons, neither as the show was ending nor afterwards. I’ve been simmering now for over a thousand days. I could not even write a complete sentence about spn for all this time, and so I just left that pot on the back burner and did other things. Finished my Master’s degree. Started a new job. Saw my oldest child graduate from high school and move off to college, and helped my younger child move on to sixth grade. Watched some other shows, got a new blorbo, saw some movies, started painting again, picked up a couple of new hobbies as I am wont to do.  

Today is the 5th of November, 2023. (ETA i sat on this for a bit.)

November 5th, 2020, was exactly one thousand and ninety-five days ago.

I see gifs from the show from time to time and I think to myself, wow, that scene/episode/series is completely irrelevant to my life now. I am fine and normal about everything. But if it really was, if I really was, it would not hurt so much to see the gifs and the lyric posts and the amvs when they aren’t caught in my tag filters. So maybe it’s time to get some things out of my head and onto paper.

I genuinely, nearsightedly, naively thought that since Dabb et al had been the ones writing the whole folk v author themes, and thus posing as someone we could count as being on “our side,” the folk-side of the postmodern audience, they’d honor that conceit, even to the very last shot. 

They did not.

And yet… they absolutely did.

Which hurts and is fucked up, but also it’s fine. It’s fine.

In the end, the only “folk hero” (by which I mean the only force in the spn universe capable of warping the threads of the story with any permanence) was Castiel. When Castiel left the story (of his own volition, if you can find a comfortable layer of this meta pie for that concept to rest in,) the writers reverted to God Mode. Because Castiel had been their freedom, their mouthpiece, their avenue for improvisation, and so at the end of the series…

well, we got You changed me/I love you

   •

and then we got “Cas helped.”

So much has been written about that pivot point, but genuinely I don’t give a rat’s ass about rewrites, producers, the cutting room floor, or COVID. It exhausts me, and I’m not beholden to writing about spn for grades or notes or any kind of other bullshit that would oblige me to do research.

I feel like… we got what we got.

So let’s criticize some media.

The Paradox: 

Cas imploded— went from flexing the narrative from within to being narrated by a force from without. And I couldn’t bear to wrap my head around that for a long time. It seemed that this “twist” was beyond cruel. That’s what he got. Vanished and nerfed. For saying ily. That was what happened when he was finally in focus, fully revealed. He lost. He was relegated, along with Jack, to become heaven’s Two Men and a Truck.

It was a trick, the whole “Chuck is a writer” plotline. The Author regained control of the character that had previously been acting independently. Very Pirandellesque, very frustrating, ultimately even tragic.

So, yes, thematically and critically, having Castiel give up his Agency for Characterhood– giving up his ability to create plot for a role as a character in a plot— was ‘literary’ brilliance. It cemented his status as a grand fucker-upper of the show in a way that any show writer “authoring” a requited destiel ending would not and could not have done. Even Jack, I believe, had been “manipulated” into god-hood from within the narrative. Jack was Dabb’s grand metaphor, he was a product of Author. Castiel was… well, he was a chaos engine from the moment he walked through those barn doors. 

To seal the metaphor, the writers ended up living that truth.

I really don’t know if I’m being cogent about this. I’ve been struggling to turn this idea into words for, like, ONE THOUSAND DAYS.

The folk-vs-Author themes becoming A Thing in The Supernatural Show was like a chemical reaction: once the ions had bonded, the resultant compound could not be separated back into the different materials. What on that screen was Author, what was “author,” ie show writer, and what was text-experiencer-as-author? Where did the Sam-as-magician arc go, what were we supposed to do with the semi-metatextual moments that Mary had, having been brought back into the narrative by Amara, not Chuck? Everything got so out of control. Add in a smidgen of secret-sauce-TPTB possibly superseding the author/Author, and what you get is that ridiculous mess of a final two episodes.

It’s not about the rusty trombone or the butt hole pleasures. It’s about love. And kids.

Thank you, hon. It really is. (The above line was left in this doc by my spouse. It is a quote from The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I’ll allow it.)

Anyway. It was hard to see past the sound and the fury of it all. 

*****

I was feeling nostalgic several months ago and took a swim in my old meta tags; I found a gem from season…10? Idk and idc, but it was from “The Things We Left Behind.” 

I compared Claire to Sleeping Beauty (a tale that got a lot of use in later seasons) and wrote: “I tend to think that Castiel’s entire arc is about desperate and unintentionally misguided attempts to Change The Ending of whatever story he’s shown up in” and reading that again really kind of sucker-punched me.

‘We’re making it up as we go’ was the crux of Cas’ existence. Remember that half-related story in Baby wherein Cas got himself hitched to the Djinn queen? Remember when Jack died and the Empty came to claim him in Heaven and Cas made that terrible bargain? The last-minute attempt to gank Lucifer that actually got him killed and sent to The Empty?

Time and time again, Castiel’s go-to for “changing the narrative,” for advancing his plot, is self-sacrifice. In Chuck’s house against the archangel. The Leviathan disaster. Saying ‘yes’ to Lucifer. The Bargain for Jack in Heaven. And those times it worked out. Not without great pain for both the other characters and for the viewers, but he always came back. 

And with each return, his motivation became clearer. (Picture your favorite screencap of Dean here.)

Cas’ love grew, crystalized, and then disappeared, like frost on the windowpane of a house on fire.

If they had continued the CasDean storyline, it would have ultimately been The Author IRL writing/creating/manifesting/materializing ‘destiel.’ And so by putting a torch to all of that architecture, they essentially gave everything to us. Unspoilt. Fingerprints wiped. Serial numbers scratched away. Jailbroken. Whatever floats your boat. 

The confession was both affirmation and abnegation. Symbolically, The AuthorTM had washed his hands of it, but with destiel out of the picture, The Author also got his ending.

This is why “Cas helped” felt like a ‘fuck you.’ If Cas was out of the narrative, why did he come back as one of Heaven’s real estate developers? It did not fit. 

And yet. It did. Because Chuck won. Chuck, or everything that an Author represents in television land– TPTB, showrunner legacies, multiple producers, a chaotic and treacherous and politically messy writer’s room, multiple incompatible or unresolvable MOs and visions— all that ends up being packaged and presented as a single unerring vision.

So I have to admit, although I don’t have to do it with any ion of grace, that in the end it was pretty fucking smart.

Destiel is ours. Destiel is the folk ending. The Author never got to touch it, never so much as breathed on it, was so far divorced from the concept that the absence thereof going forward hit us like a truck full of bricks.

Yes, it hurts that Dean was just left on the floor until the credits rolled, that there were no final words, no ensuing acknowledgement. 

I’ll go so far outside the Text as to address the ‘Dean can’t reciprocate’ direction from one of the scripts:

If Dean had made a single move onscreen. Uttered a word. In Despair or either of the other two episodes.

Destiel would have been claimed by The Author. 

Anyway. I’ve been collecting posts now and again under the tag ‘the endless folklore of supernatural.’ For three years, the fandom has continued to loot, to ransack, to graffiti, to create and re-create, to burn, to mix, and to distill. 

There’s all kinds of things in that tag, it’s sort of a kitchen sink of everything that I thought was even tangentially relevant to folk-Destiel and the postmodern experience of creating text as a reader/viewer etc. 

We turned a literary story based on an urban folktale back into folklore. 

And so it goes.

I doubt I will do much more analysis of this show, even if it comes back, and I unfortunately can’t touch The Winchesters. But I can’t say I never will. I just thought three years, one thousand days, was a pretty good place to leave a marker on the trail.

—

Epilogue: About The Winchesters:

I did not finish watching The Winchesters because of something wildly, randomly, but highly personally triggering that was built into one of the episodes; however I am very sorry that it was canceled or possibly ironically lost to the WGA-SAGAFTRA strike of 2023.

“What is the maddest thing a man can do? Let himself die.” That’s the clue that leads Castiel to his hidden grace in a copy of The Man of LaMancha in 10.18 ‘The Book of the Damned,’ written by one Robbie Thompson.

I noticed from the get-go that Thompson gave Carlos the last name Cervantez. He was nodding to the self-immolation of the last cadre of writers of Supernatural and stating clearly that he was holding a pen, not a match.

Want some very fun and amusing and wildly pertinent facts about the Don Quixote books?

The narrative conceit of Don Quixote IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL is that Cervantes claims to have found a manuscript by a historian named Cide Hamete Benegeli and Cervantes thought the story was pretty neat, if a little rough; Cervantes retells the story for us from what he’d read by that author, distilling the “original” into the book we experience as Don Quixote the Man of La Mancha.

The final words of Cervantes’ Part One are “perhaps another will sing with a better pick.”

Later, someone publishing under the pseudonym Alonso Fernandez de Avellaneda wrote their own part two, feeling that the original author was taking too long to get their ass in gear (or judging by their own preface they felt that Cervantes had not even done the original story justice in the first place. Which is A Mood.)

So when someone actually did have the audacity to run off with his characters and commit word crimes with them, Cervantes absolutely obliterated the dude in his own Part Two. 

Thompson left Spn after season eleven. But, lest someone think this is a commentary about fan fic, he also wrote the episode Fan Fiction. So anyway all the Cervantez-Cervantes business was certainly something.

[boinin]

“The biggest blindspot on the field...”

Here's our teaser for how Isagi and Hiori's idealised goal is gonna go down. Any thoughts? Here are mine:

The second to last panel from chp 237 shows us the situation near the Ubers goal.

There's no defenders in front of the goal, so it's up to Fukaku Gen alone to fend off scoring attempts. (RIP buddy)

Isagi is double-marked by Rico and Aryu—who has incredible reach and excels at aerial battles.

Aiku and Niko are closing in on Hiori. They have the ability to predict actions using MV in a similar way to Isagi, but lack his imagination. Isagi sees more possibilities.

Finally, Kaiser is moving in from Hiori's left—who also has MV, is just as imaginative as Isagi and has better stats... but who's also experiencing frustration-induced tunnel-vision, hampering his judgement.

Isagi can't receive the ball where he is—Aryu would intercept it, even if Hiori gets past Niko and Aiku.

If Hiori hesitates, he'll get pressed by the defenders and/or Kaiser.

So, it seems like Isagi wants Hiori to send the ball to an unoccupied part of pitch, within his reach.

Where's Isagi thinking of?

Where... or what? Has he got another tactic in mind?

More in-depth speculation under the cut.

Nomura and Kaneshiro love foreshadowing outcomes in Blue Lock. It's infuriating, but I love that kind of storytelling.

On a character level, Isagi is driven to win this match with his own goal, winning his bet with Kaiser. He faces steep opposition by Ubers naturally, but also by Kaiser himself.

Two further considerations: Isagi must ensure that neither Kunigami nor Yukimiya profit off his playmaking.

Kunigami is trying to prove his relevance as a striker against all odds and won't hesitate to poach a fumbled kick by Isagi.

On the other hand, Yukimiya has been willing to assist Isagi in this match so far... but will he sacrifice a chance to score himself in order to support Isagi?

Hell no. Isagi understands their individual protagonism. So even if they join the fray, Isagi's goal idea can't involve them. It's between him and Hiori only.

I keep coming back to this panel of Isagi's eye from chapter 235. In chapter 237, we see a version of it in Hiori's eyes.

His main weapon is his direct shot, which is his ability to score on a pass without stopping the ball's momentum. From Hiori's perspective, we see a slightly hunched or twisted Isagi, kicking.

Remember how the creators love forshadowing? Well, Isagi's positioning in Hiori's vision reminded me of something shown much earlier... before the Ubers match started at all.

Do you remember when Isagi is training with Kurona and Yukimiya between matches? It's from chapter 208.

Here's what came to mind:

Here, Isagi moves in Yukimiya's blind spot (I'll see myself out 🤓), then uses him for balance to pivot and score with his direct shot.

It's actually a sick goal. Downplayed, since it's during training, but Igaguri comments afterwards that Isagi's become a monster.

Who sent that ball Isagi's way in the first place? I'm glad you asked...

...it was none other than Hiori.

They're in trickier circumstances. There's way more players in the mix. But this is a goal they've both achieved before.

As Hiori puts it:

For Kaiser, nothing is impossible.

This isn't the case for Isagi. He is limited by his physical abilities. There's no way he's pulling off a bicycle kick, the way Kaiser did.

But he's been working hard to increase his number of possibilities: increasing his 'luck', per the meaning Ego gives. Back to another thematically significant moment in chapter 213:

For Isagi, this match has been all about proving his worth as a striker. He spent a lot of it defending and being a midfielder—but now he has Hiori by his side, he's free to focus on offence... utilising his weapons' potential to the fullest.

So, to finish things off? Isagi will be scoring a goal that's unique to his skillset and weapons. He'll position himself using MV, and he'll score with a direct shot. In addition, I believe he and Hiori will exploit another character's blind spot, to distract all the defenders.

Who will that be? Well, Nomura/Kaneshiro might have hinted at that too, towards the end of chapter 237:

Kaiser? Barou?

It'd be a risky play. But Hiori does call this idea totally crazy...

Roll on Friday's leaks! ⚽

#this is a lot of words to say Isagi might be unlocking PE next chapter /s #i feel good about the parallels identified but even if it's something completely different... #i've been thoroughly entertained by this match #blue lock #blue lock manga #blue lock manga spoilers #blue lock spoilers #bllk speculation #bllk chp 238 #bllk chp 237 #bllk chp 235 #bllk chp 208 #bllk chp 213 #isagi yoichi #hiori yo #michael kaiser #bllk ubers #baro shoei #bllk analysis #boinin talks bllk #bllk manga

[gaslightgallows]

#31, "You came back for me. You actually came back for me."

which might be a reply to #30, "You're okay. You've got to be okay. You've got to be. You're okay. Please. Please be okay."

Thank you!

(I promised myself I would keep this short but please know it was a struggle)

One thing kept Aziraphale away from panic: the Metatron couldn't destroy Crowley. He possessed the ability, yes, but the perfect dichotomy of the Ineffable Plan relied upon there being a balance between Heaven and Hell, and Crowley was Aziraphale's opposite number. So Crowley would, whatever happened, continue to exist.

That didn't mean the Metatron wouldn't hurt him. And all signs pointed to Something Terrible happening to Crowley if Aziraphale didn't find him very, very soon.

***

"The Supreme Archangel's loyalties are divided, between Heaven... and a single not-quite a demon anymore. And he is so tired. The division is breaking him. And you could fix that so easily. You have my word," the Metatron continued, his voice low and coaxing, "if you relinquish him, I will give you back everything you have lost. Your freedom. The stars themselves. Your name, your true name. Astr--"

"That name is dead. I don't want it." Crowley gritted his teeth. "I don't want the stars. I just want him."

The Metatron's face was stony and unreadable, but there was a rage in his eyes of a kind that Crowley hadn't seen since just before the Fall. Just before Lucifer had jumped. "And if he doesn't want you?"

"I think you'll find that he does."

The relief that flooded Crowley's body was so profound, it could only be called ecstasy, and he breathed the only name that had ever mattered to him: "Aziraphale."

The angel of the Eastern Gate stepped forward. "I'm here, my dear. I'm so sorry I'm late."

"You shouldn't have come at all. This is for the best," the Metatron declared. "You are an angel, and have a destiny to fulfill. He is claimed by neither Heaven nor Hell now, and is of no use to anyone. He is a distraction."

"He is claimed by me," Aziraphale said, in the cold, quiet voice that always portended carnage. "And I do not choose to relinquish that claim."

#good omens #whump the demon #bamf aziraphale #vague angsty hurt/comfort prompts #ineffable husbands #iamhisgloriouspurpose #before you ask YES i will continue this at some point

[exvangelicalrage]

I Might Be Wrong

5/31/23

christians use the word "faith" a lot. It's one of the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Unfortunately, I have that list memorized. 

I lived by the fruits of the spirit as a teenager. There were a lot of rules given by the church about who I should be, but fewer rules in the bible, at least ones that made sense. But this was a list I could get behind: character traits I could work on developing that would make me both a good candidate for heaven, and a good wife and mother. 

Gross.

Anyway, in a recent interview I gave, the interviewer asked me to explain my current theological stance, since I had identified myself as an exvangelical. I explained that I prefer "agnostic," although it certainly wouldn't offend me if someone called me atheist. And when he asked me why I had chosen agnostic over atheist, I found myself surprised by my own response. I said something along the lines of, "Well, if you think about it, atheism requires just as much faith as christianity. christians must have unshakeable faith that god exists; atheists have to have just as much faith that god doesn't exist. Neither is provable." 

And then I said, to my own surprise: "Ultimately, I just try to stay as far away from faith as possible."

I was surprised because of how true it was.

If I can't have faith in god, I also can't have faith in no god.

Do I think the christian god exists? Obviously not. But atheism requires the belief that "No god exists," which is also something I can't confidently commit to. Especially when you look at the broad expanse of the word "god." It's been used in so many ways over the millennia. Even the bible says, "you shall have no other gods before me" which implies the presence of other gods—and whether they are actual or made up or metaphorical doesn't really matter. It still falls under the definition of "god." Not to mention, plenty of people use the term "god" to mean something like "universal consciousness" which... isn't impossible, as far as I can see. 

You know how they say that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference? I think the same is true of christianity. The opposite of christianity is not atheism—it's agnosticism.

Ask a christian how they know their god is the True god, as opposed to, for example, Allah or Zeus or Ra, and inevitably they will get around to saying, "I have faith."

Cool. 

I don't. 

I don't have faith. 

That is not a thing I have. 

And I never will have it—not in the christian god, not in the muslim god, not in any of the myriad gods who have risen and fallen throughout history. Nor even in the lack of god. I don't even have faith in physics! Damn physicists keep changing our understanding of the foundational framework of the universe! It's great, don't get me wrong. But definitely worth holding onto a little disbelief, even in things that are supposedly True.

After I said I stayed as far away from faith as possible, the interviewer then said to me, "Well, you must have some faith in something. How else do you ride in airplanes?"

But the thing is, I don't need faith to ride in airplanes. I have my understanding of physics. I have the evidence of mine own eyes. I have a mind that I can use to understand to the best of my ability. It's not perfect. But it is better than nothing, which is all christianity has.

You could make the argument that I must have faith in something, because that's just what it means to be human, and I can't know everything about everything all the time. I wouldn't disagree with you. 

I also wouldn't agree. 

I'd stay solidly somewhere in the bounds of "maybe."

Perhaps some version of faith in something is an inevitable part of life. 

But I definitely don't have to have blind faith. I don't have to have stupid faith. I don't have to have immoral faith.

I do not have to have faith in a god who never deigned to honor me with his presence, nor logic, nor reason, nor answers. 

I do not have to have faith in a god who in one moment condemns entire cities to death, and in the next professes his profound love for humans.

I do not have to have faith in a god who lets children die for no fucking reason, and forces women to bear the children of their rapists, and who would chop a woman into pieces because of the sins of men. 

Who would command a man to kill a child to prove his "faith."

I do not have to have faith. Faith is taught, learned. And it can be unlearned. 

Ultimately, I may never be able to fully reject every modicum of faith. But this isn't about having a black and white answer. It's about an approach to life. Anytime I stumble across a bubble of faith hiding away somewhere in my brain, I beat it with a stick (aka knowledge), until either it disintegrates, or turns into a fuzzy cloud of "I don't know and that's okay."

It's okay to not know. It's okay to be wrong. But I don't have to give in to faith either. Instead, I can accept the gray area. I don't need faith. I simply need to be willing to continually learn, and willing to admit that I might be wrong.

"This is a question I do not have an answer for," I will say. "But I have made this choice anyway. I might be wrong. But it's okay."

#faith #atheist #atheism #agnostic #agnosticism #christianity #lack of faith #disbelief #fruits of the spirit #exchristian #ex christian #exvangelical #ex religious #exreligious #deconstruction #unlearning #its okay to be wrong #faithless #faithfulness #indoctrination #christian cult #cult

[hyperlexichypatia]

Y'know, one thing I honestly struggle a lot with as a disabled person is like... with certain things I experience, where do I draw the line between "there is a very literal physical set of phenomena occurring in my neurological and related bodily systems that is responsible for my experience of these physical and emotional/mental events" and "these events are being influenced or caused by external stimuli, often related to class dynamics and oppression" and even "said class dynamics and oppression are responsible for much of said physical phenonena within my bodily systems, as they are simply an interaction/reaction to said external stimuli".

To me, it's like the nuance between how "choice feminism" is used to shut down very genuine real critiques of misogyny and patriarchal beauty standards (which are so deeply rooted in racism and white supremacism), but have also been misused to ironically deny women any autonomy whatsoever, rather than striking a balance with "these systems are fucked, much of this stems from a place of coercion and misogyny, and not acknowledging that can feed into it, but as a marginalized class within that system women (and gender minorities in general) do still have the right to decide how they want to respond to that and informed consent still does matter" if that makes sense?

I feel like I'm not able to exactly address the root of the issue for myself with disability but I think it has some to do with the social model of disability, some to do with the way cartesian dualism has been used to divide the disabled community, and some to do with how I am both anti-psych and anti-phys (the institutions including the biased science as it currently exists, not say, medication or treatment).

It's like... okay I tend to look at my own disability through a mixed medical-social lens. In a "perfect" world, neither medical knowledge nor treatment would be gatekept. I'd be able to get medication for things like what are now labeled ADHD, POTS, and MCAS, including getting compounded medication without having to have an official diagnosis of MCAS (seriously, who does it hurt other than insurance company bottom lines to just make a med without corn or milk sugars/proteins or dyes as filler ingredients -_-).

I would still, however, be disabled. I do understand that that is covered under the social model's definition of "impairment", but I also take issue with the relabeling of disability. It seems oddly euphemistic in the same way that "differently abled" does - defining disability itself as only the social access barriers that cause people to be unable to live a satisfying, fulfilling life including with "impairments", to me ignores the reality of those of us with more severe symptoms and higher support needs.

As I saw someone say so well, "chronic pain is still gonna hurt." But it's also that the pain itself is still going to significantly impact my quality of life, even with full access to treatment and meds. My symptoms are still a physical reality within my body, causing distress and dysfunction, and disabling my ability to engage in certain activities - not just "impairing" said ability. It still would have a significant negative affect in my quality of life, outside of my control. And here I am referring to activities in again, a "perfect" world, where the only reason to do them is out of pure, uncoerced and uninfluenced desire.

There's also the way that rather than actually depathologizing what we label as mental illness, its ability to be profoundly disabling and its very nature as occurring physically for whatever reason has been ignored in order to be neuroableist and sanist against neurodisabled people.

I am firmly for self-labeling, and firmly against the forced labeling of any trait as "abnormal" and "unhealthy". I do think even for self-labeling, it's important to question the premise behind many labels and explore more deeply what you are actually using said labels to mean.

I have talked at length about what "demedicalizing DID", as an example, actually entails, and how it actually increases access to resources and treatment for those that want to pursue those things.

The labels themselves are social, even if they are categorizations for material experiences in many cases. The line gets blurrier with psychiatric labels, as the experience is essentially an internal abstraction of physical phenomena, and the categories themselves are significantly more arbitrary without that solidly material basis.

"Trauma" is used as a label to essentially put the onus of class oppression on marginalized people. Things like "dopamine" and "seratonin" at this point are little more than neurochemically-named horoscopes, in a discipline I already refer to as "the astrology to neurology's astronomy" - and noting here, that neurology and medicine in general are still themselves more partially social than the significantly more mathematical discipline of physics I compare them to.

I also have a reactivity to things that I perceive (or misperceive) as divorcing "mental illness" or "neurodivergence" from any kind of physical basis. It's why I think I was initially confused about your use of "pathologization" - my own bias causing me to struggle to see the difference between what ultimately are very clearly different understandings.

It was, "We should question the categorization of certain experiences as innately pathological, meaning abnormal, unhealthy, and to be suppressed," versus "Mental illnesses are diseases of an abstracted mindsoul, with no physical basis, and can therefore be 'overcome' with a minimum of effort and can never be profoundly or physically disabling".

Which, to be clear, I didn't at all think you were saying the latter. More that I struggled to recognize the former because I had not yet divorced "physical experience" from "specific pathologizing label" in my head, and ironically seeing it laid out so clearly threw such a wrench in that existing perception that I had to go in and decouple/detangle the two to get things going again.

Really, though, it seems it's once again about informed consent in a society where "choice" is so deeply and insidiously influenced by prevailing hegemonic attitudes. It's "if you're going to label yourself disordered, it is still good to question the very premise of that label".

In a world with no access barriers and oppression, I would still have some of the same physical experiences I have now. With unrestricted access to medical treatments that directly interface and alter my biochemical processes, I would still likely not be without what we now label as "symptoms". Certainly, assuming I grew up in that world, "trauma" might very well be an unrecognizable concept as to what it is considered in our reality - assuming it even existed in any meaningful way at all.

I guess it's just - where is that balance between acknowledging the extreme influence of current societal norms and ideas about disability, the way the very language we use to talk about them is steeped in those biases, misconceptions, and assumptions, and the way that a physical result is treated as the cause itself; with the existence of varied experiences of abstracted neurological phenomena, having/creating language some need to help define and understand ourselves, and those societal causes still engendering a physical result?

Is it in the connotation? Is destigmatizing the concept of disability and "disorder" (as meaning "causing distress and/or dysfunction as defined by the person experiencing it") and stopping their misapplication enough? I admit, when my disabled identity has been repeatedly denied by ableists, my instinct is to cling to the labels that say "yes, this is an experience that makes me not able to achieve my own personal desires and goals and causes me distress".

While the concept of "ab/normalcy" is deeply unhelpful and often harmful, there are times when I at least want to say "my material experience is not the same as yours despite your insistence that it is" to people who identify as abled, who have described their perception of my experience as something oppositional to my actual experience. Not abnormal, but not identical, either.

Maybe that's getting off in the weeds. I guess just... at what point does acknowledging my own experiences as a significantly overlapped venn diagram of innate physical and purely societal causes meeting at mixed causes and societal causes of physical results, cross the line into mislabeling societal forces as innate physical events.

Is it just divorcing them from the greater context of society? It is the reversal of causality? Is it the lack of acknowledgement that the way we label these experiences is inherently tied up in the social environment surrounding them? If I view some of my experiences as entirely unrelated to and uninfluenced by that social environment (at least to the extent that is possible), while still being a natural variation in neurology (or physiology) that is itself neutral overall regardless of how I experience it, is that enough?

Is viewing the things labeled as ongoing "trauma" and "mental illness" as a natural and rational response to class oppression a factor in depathologization, as long as we also acknowledge that the labels of "trauma" and "mental health" themselves carry meaning and bias and connotations that don't uphold or even contradict that belief?

I dunno. Maybe I'm just stuck in stubbornly not wanting to give up labels I've been forced to fight for because I'm scared to admit that I could have been fighting for not having them at all while still having my needs met in the first place. Maybe I am just struggling as someone who can't actually process or understand their own experiences without language to integrate a new understanding of that language into my paradigm. Maybe some parts of us are still reactively misinterpreting "question and examine how the language we use is a social construct and how that has been wielded against marginalized identities, including your own" as some sort of threat to our autonomy and in particular self-determination.

I may very well be afraid of and biased by those things, but the one thing I'm not scared of is examining that and admitting it's a possibility.

I guess I'm sending you this ask in particular precisely because you've articulated precise analyses of these subjects so clearly. I'd love to hear your thoughts, if you're willing.

Oh, this is the ask I thought I'd lost!

So, before I start, my own bodymindbrain is VERY compromised by COVID right now. I am living that physical illness affecting cognition life.

This is a great question and I'm really struggling to come up with a thoughtful response, because so much of it, I just don't know. I have no idea "how disabling" any of my disabilities would be if I lived in a society that accepted and accommodated differences, because I've never lived in a society like that and I can only vaguely imagine it. I know that part of that goal is making it so that the supports we receive (medical, social, or otherwise) aren't contingent on any particular label or any particular concept of "disorder." And also that they're never an excuse to infringe on someone's autonomy.

On the language of it all, I'm always struggling to refine my own use of language, but it's especially frustrating because any potentially radical/liberatory use of language gets co-opted and appropriated by pathologization (like "neurodiversity," "Mad," or "anti-psychiatry"). I've left so many groups that I thought were about rejecting pathologization that turned out to be about "recovery" or "healing" (which is fine for people who are interested in those things! I'm just not one of them!).

I also struggle with my own... parts of my mind/emotions that are distressing to me... and I struggle to find words for that that aren't part of the pathology paradigm like "mental health," and also aren't spiritual because that's not what I believe. I just don't know the words. I know that I have anxiety attacks and it sucks and I hate it, but I don't know good overarching terms for "The experience of having profoundly unpleasant unwanted emotional states" or "The attempt by various means to mitigate or remediate profoundly unpleasant unwanted emotional states."

Your question is better than my answer, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm glad you asked!

#asks #cognitive liberty #mad pride #neurodiversity #liberation #disability rights

[reverieparacosm]

Headcanons what it would be like to be in a relationship with Bondrewd

Bondrewd (Made in Abyss) x GN!Reader

Warnings: manipulative behavior, toxic relationship, kidnapping, possessive behaviors

Note: There are hardly any fanfictions about him so I decided to write headcanons about him myself! Oh well... My taste in fictional characters is terrible <3

Being in a relationship with Bondrewd would certainly be an interesting experience

He is a cold, calculating man who is not afraid to use any means necessary to accomplish his goals

He's also extremely loyal and dedicated to those he cares about and willing to do whatever it takes to protect them (Of course, only if you don't stand in his way)

He is also a great listener and is open to different perspectives

Despite all these qualities, Bondrewd can also be quite intimidating and difficult to approach. He is highly independent and prefers to rely on his own judgement, even when it comes to people in his life

Being in a relationship with Bondrewd can also be quite intense, as he has a tendency to think deeply and analyze things from all angles

"Knowledge is power, so use it wisely and never waste it"

You probably wouldn't be allowed to explore the Abyss alone - He thinks it's too dangerous and you could be in danger

Most of the time you would have to stay in Ido Front with Bondrewd

Sometimes you are allowed to explore the Abyss with him, but you have to stay close to him

Listen to him or you won't be allowed to explore the Abyss for a while

He could come off as a bit of a tyrant, but he would be willing to do anything to make sure his partner was "happy" and safe

That said, Bondrewd is also a very intelligent and shrewd man, who can read people and situations like no other

Occasional headpats

He is not a romantic person but sometimes he will make small gestures like remembering your favorite food or giving you your favorite flowers that he found during his last exploration

A relationship with him would be sure to have plenty of both excitement and challenge, as his partner would have to constantly be on their toes to keep up with him

In the beginning he will try to keep his experiments as secret as possible

But at some point it will become inevitable

If you want to leave him after learning about the experiments, you have no chance

Stay in Ido Front or die

Bondrewd is a complex and multifaceted character, and it is difficult to accurately assess how manipulative he would be in a relationship

In general, he is a very calculating figure, and he tends to use his knowledge and power to manipulate people for his own benefit

He is known for using the people around him for his own gain, and his manipulation tactics are often subtle, making it difficult for those he interacts with to identify his intentions

"The power of a single determined soul is vast and limitless"

Gaslighting... A lot

Ultimately, Bondrewd's level of manipulation in a relationship would depend largely on the situation and the people involved

Being in a toxic relationship with Bondrewd would be a difficult experience, to say the least

His controlling and manipulative behavior would be hard to deal with and he would expect nothing less than absolute obedience and loyalty from his partner

"Indeed, love is an interesting concept"

It would be an emotionally draining experience as Bondrewd would be emotionally distant but possessive, always wanting to know what his partner is doing and questioning them whenever they don't meet his expectations

The relationship would be filled with fear and power dynamics, as Bondrewd is both physically and mentally domineering. As such, it would not be a healthy or positive relationship and it is likely that neither the partner nor Bondrewd would find any joy or contentment in it

Getting kidnapped by Bondrewd would be an extremely harrowing experience

The kidnapping itself would likely be done in a way to be completely unexpected. Bondrewd is renowned for his ability to blend in with the shadows and enact his plans without anyone being aware of his intentions. He is highly skilled in the art of surprise and his actions are always calculated and well-timed

The experience of being captured by Bondrewd would undoubtedly be one of immense terror. He is known to be merciless and unyielding, with his cold and indifferent attitude rarely displaying any emotion. It would be an experience of complete powerlessness and helplessness, with no hope of escape

Bondrewd would likely use the kidnapped individual for his own selfish purposes; either as a pawn in his schemes or to gain some sort of advantage. It is clear from his history that he is not above using tactics such as blackmail, bribery and intimidation to achieve his goals

It is unlikely that anyone taken by Bondrewd would ever be seen again, or at least not in the same state as before

"Did I give you permission to leave?"

Furthermore, you would be under constant surveillance and would not have the ability to escape or attempt to talk your way out of the situation

#made in abyss #bondrewd #made in abyss bondrewd #headcanons #bondrewd x reader #メイドインアビス #I'm going to hell for that

[molter-writes]

dude i have a question that might be considered out of pocket but i need your brilliant take on it

i was rewatching the finale last night (because i like to cause myself pain) and i got to the part where aemond said he wanted to make a gift of luke's eye to his mother

so my question is

genuinely, what the hell do you think alicent would have done if aemond returned with luke's fucking eye😭😭😭

lmao welcome to my entirely unrequested character study of aemond. short answer: she'd be horrified, and that scene more than anything speaks to the beautiful fraught asymmetry of alicent and aemond's relationship, palpable and tragic and woefully understudied.

alicent does not desire violence and does not particularly respect violent people. e.g., we can imagine characters who might have been heartened or reassured — even if interspersed with guilt — that larys had been willing to kill to advance their interests. alicent is never shown to appreciate this silver lining; she is deeply remorseful and properly disturbed. the end of the season finds her attempting to stave off catastrophic violence surrounded by men who are effectively unbothered by the thought. aemond is one of these men. he is also her favourite man. i think this breaks her heart a little.

i'll preface this by stating again how much i sympathise with aemond, who is really neither a slick badass — his facade — nor a calculating psychopath — his caricature. aemond spends his childhood awash in a feeling of inescapable, humiliating powerlessness, and everything he becomes is a direct response to this experience, including his unfailing loyalty to his mother, his sole childhood advocate and ally. but aemond clocks alicent's powerlessness, too; and probably at no other time more palpably than during the quarrel at driftmark. viserys leaves her in the lurch; cole backs out when the rubber hits the road. when he tells her i gained a dragon, i don't think he's actually saying it was a fair exchange; clearly he doesn't really feel that way — he's still seeking his revenge years and years later (and fair enough). rather, i think he's telling her — and importantly, telling the people he perceives to be her enemies — we have real power now. we're safe. i got you.

aemond consistently strives to be alicent's one reliable ally. aemond also spends his life trying to make himself more powerful, and, if i were to really speculate, probably hasn't determined within his own heart whether he's done so to protect himself and his mother in the conflict he's seen presaged at driftmark, or in excited anticipation of that conflict as an opportunity to seek revenge. herein we find the crucial difference in how alicent and aemond each perceive safety, and perceive power — alicent thinks safety is found in the absence of violence, and power is the ability to be free from it; aemond seems to believe safety is found in a monopoly on violence and power is the ability to do it. it's entirely unrelated, and not to be insensitive by mixing factual and fictional tragedy, but i think sometimes about something prince harry once said about his childhood experiences watching the press chase and torment princess diana — his frustration knowing he would one day be a man, that he would one day be able to protect her, but not yet — and the anger, the frustration that caused. i append to aemond, though fictional, a very similar pain.

regardless, to whatever end, aemond's intention is to be feared and to be dangerous. he tells cole i don't give a fuck about tourneys for the express purpose of tipping us off: aemond is trying to become as effective as possible at killing real opponents in a real conflict. two things here: first, though aemond may not care for tourneys like the knights Rhaenys calls green as summer grass, he's equally inexperienced; he also doesn't know — cannot know — the true meaning of war or the costs associated. (see, e.g., his crucial misunderstanding of the nature of vhagar.) and second, tragically, though he's probably (if perhaps only partially) done so for her, he's become exactly the kind of man who has left alicent feeling trapped and perpetually terrified. olivia cooke somewhere noted that alicent lives in trepidation surrounded by 'psychopath men', and part of this fear seems to be what these men will do in her name and under the guise of advancing her interests. e.g., she knows larys' murder of lyonel did double duty. Tis only a look of pride, Ser Criston. Larys is the new lord of Harrenhal. to have become somewhat afraid of aemond — apprehensive, at least, of his adult nature — will likely only grow harder on her and harder to ignore. and the same will likely come of aemond's unintentional killing of lucerys, and would come had aemond returned instead with his severed eye: horror at the act; guilt and terror and frustration at the knowledge — however deeply buried — that aemond would have done it not for her, or for their family, but for himself; and that once again, she has been made the unwilling catalyst for the very violence she strives so painfully to prevent.

#strangely compelled to note i am NOT a monarchist lmao #this is so wildly incoherent thank u for patience #hit me up for another entire essay on aemond and vhagar #we stan mommy's little war criminal #for worse or for even more worse #but re: driftmark - to try to paint any of those prepubescent children as villains -- truly a mystifying take #like some people's unwillingness to believe confluent circumstance and not malice can breed tragedy #but you have to love the memes from the team-this team-that fantasism. like congrats - ur the westerosi propaganda bureau. ur Mushroom

[rose-riot-johnson]

Hello my Tumblr Peeps👋😃 You're in it for treat today😃👍Since I noticed people (myself included) are looking forward to and/or hyped for season 2 of Jujutsu Kaisen, I decided to write about 3 particular characters from Jujutsu Kaisen, Gojo Satoru, Suguru Geto, and Toji Fushiguro (Birthname: Toji Zenin)😃👍 And also 1 of the characters will be paired with the reader depending on the ending based on which 1 of the characters they choose, so while all 3 characters will be in this fanfic, so there will be 3 endings for this fanfic, however the ending(s) will be based on the character of reader's choice💐😁👍

*Note: Apologies for the pic of Toji with the worm on him, my Tumblr Peeps😅

💐Here To Win Your Affection💐 (Jujutsu Kaisen Character of Reader's choice (In this fanfic) depending on the ending they choose based on their chosen character (and yes I'm writing them as adults)) x Any Gender Reader)

Genres: Fluff (comfort for Toji's ending) (Warning⚠️:Blood (Only from cursed spirits🤷‍♀️), Mentions of Slaughter and Death (only pertains the cursed spirits, as well🤷‍♀️), slight spoiler alert (especially manga)😅)

One day, Gojo Satoru and Suguru Geto were in the mall getting some sugary drinks from their favorite restaurant. While both of them were chatting with eachother about the Jujutsu Sorcerers would need to do, then you randomly walked up to both of them, as you said, "Hello. My name is, (Any Gender Reader Name). I couldn't help noticing that you were fighting some monsters the other day. I mean I don't have any abilities aside from seeing the creatures, however that was awesome what the both of you did. Geto was surprised to meet a non sorcerer, who can also see cursed spirits. Gojo, blushed about what you mentioned.

You then mentioned, "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone else, unless you tell me too.", then asked, "What are your names, if you don't mind me asking?". Gojo shakes your hand, as he goes, "Well, I'm Gojo Satoru. Nice to meet you, (Any Gender Reader).", then winked at you. While Geto isn't fond of non sorcerers, however there's something magical about you that already gives him butterflies in his stomach, as he says, "My name is, Suguru Geto, (Miss/Mr.). However I prefer to be called Geto. You seemed like a very good person.", trying to ignore his own blushing. "Why, thank you, Mr. Geto! You seemed nice, as well. As, for you, Mr. Gojo, you seemed like you have, an amazing sense of humor!", you mentioned, you then began to exchange phone numbers with both Gojo and Geto, before saying your good byes to them, as you happily said, "Nice meeting you both and I hope we meet again, especially soon.", the proceeded to wink at both Gojo and Geto. As Gojo and Geto, we're leaving their favorite restaurant with their sugary drinks, Gojo smiled, as he mumbled to Geto, "I thought you didn't care much for non sorcerers. You seemed to like one already.", sounding happy for Geto. Geto then replied, as he mumbled back, "Well, Gojo... I only like (him/her/them). That's it. It doesn't mean I totally have a complete change of heart.".

After Gojo and Geto left their favorite restaurant, another man smirked and said, "Now I can see clearly. Now I know who I plan to get with.", about you, as he has seemingly overheard the conversation that Gojo and Geto had with you. After he finished eating and drinking his sugary drink of his own, then started leaving the restaurant stated to himself, "Now I can initiate the conversation with that (Any Gender) when I find (him/her/them) and win (his/her/their) heart! And the best part is ((s)he is neither a vessel nor a sorcerer.", as he smirked. After he left the restaurant, he then saw you coming out of your favorite store in the mall as he sees this as a perfect opportunity to start his first conversation with you.

He then started introducing himself to you, "Hey, now... It's not every day I see a (beautiful/handsome) (Any Gender)... By the way my name's Toji! What's your name, (beautiful/handsome)?", as he smiled at you. You then replied, " Oh. Hi, Mr. Toji. My name is (Any Gender Reader Name). It's so nice to meet meet you.". You and Toji then continued their conversation, then you decided to exchange phone numbers with Toji Fushiguro, you then told him, "Hopefully we see eachother again anytime soon, Mr. Toji.", you then gave him a cute smile.

A few minutes later, Gojo and Geto were at one of the stores, as Gojo was picking sone nice and expensive gifts for you. With a board and an annoyed look his face, Geto sighed, then he said, "Are you sure this, Gojo? I honestly don't see the point of getting expensive gifts for, (Any Gender Reader Name).". Then Gojo then smiled, as he replied, "Jealous much, Geto? Some people enjoy having nice gifts.". Geto then complained, "No, I'm not jealous. I think making dinner foods and goodies would be more suitable and there's a difference between buying gifts and gift bombing, for your information.". Gojo then ignored Geto, then smiled as he replied, "Yeah, yeah...", before Toji arrived in the store, as he butted in as he said, "Well, well, if it isn't a couple of Jujutsu Sorcerers. I guess we all have the same taste in (beautiful/handsome) (Any and/or All Gender(s)), after all!".

Gojo then gave him a blank look and is right now seeing Toji as his rival for your affection, while Geto gave Toji an annoyed look. Toji then turned his attention to Geto, as he continued, "And I thought I knew you better, than that Geto! I thought you hate all non sorcerers!", then proceeded to snicker. Geto then replied, "You shut your mouth! This person is the exception!". Gojo then said, "That's enough, Geto. And Toji. Why are you trying to cause trouble with us, anyways?".

Toji then laughed, as he answered, "I have no intentions of causing any trouble with you sorcerers! Let's just say I met the same person, I overheard the both of you talk to earlier. ((S)he/they) is sure (pretty/handsome)!". "Then what are you bothering us for, Toji? We have better things to do than deal with you right now!", Gojo said. Toji then explained his proposal, "Well, since we all have a crush on the same person and ((s)he/they) likes us too, so we might, as well compete for (his/her/their) affection! We do our thing to show off what we decide to provide for (Any Gender Reader Name) and the best man ((s)he/they) choose out of the three of us, will get the (Any Gender) and will get have (him/her/them) live with the winner, as well. Deal?!". Gojo then said, "The best man wins, huh?", he then smirked at Toji, as he continued, "I guess a deal it is. Geto then agreed and said, "Well, I guess best man wins then. You're going down, Toji!". Toji then smirked, as he said, "Now that's the spirit then! See you sorcerers in a week then! So long for now!", before he proceeded to leave the store in the mall Gojo and Geto are in. Gojo then told Geto, "You heard, Toji. Let's do our thing to win (Any Gender Reader Name)'s affection!". Geto then said, "Well, since I can do my thing for affection, I will definitely do something else to do so, instead what you're doing.". Gojo then smiled and said, "I'm proud of you, for the fact that you're being you! Remember, the best man wins and as long as one of us gets (him/her/them), that's all that matters to me!", then Geto replied, "Yes, the best man sure does win and I agree with you that ((s)he/they) will be in good hands, as long as, one of us wins (him/her/them). Shall we begin, Gojo?", then the both of them shake hands with eachother on what they discussed with eachother about after Toji, left the store.

During the week, Gojo picked out plenty of expensive gifts that you might like, Toji Fushiguro captured some cursed spirits to hold them hostage until it was time (for Gojo, Geto, and Toji) to meet you for the second time when that time comes, and Geto decided to cook plenty of food as it gets closer to the day of meeting you for the second time and he has been making other homade gifts, as well.

When that week was over, the time of meeting you for the second time with what Gojo, Geto, and Toji are going to show off for you, came. Gojo gave you plenty of expensive gifts, which really surprised you. Toji letted all of the cursed spirits he captured out, to only slaughter them with his (cursed tool of reader's choice), as the cursed spirits ended up bleeding to no end, even after death. As for Geto, he fed you some dinner foods he cooked for you, some goodies he baked for you, and plenty of homemade gifts that you found, so cute.

Since after Gojo, Geto, and Toji showed off for you by doing their own thing(s), you then had to do some thinking who you feel you're most most impressed with abd feel most compatible with, as well. You just knew you had to make a decision on who will be in a relationship with and to live with, as well. You then announced, "And the winner is..."

It's Time To Pick Your Favorite Jujutsu Kaisen Character Of The Three...

Gojo Satoru

Or

Suguru Geto

Or

Toji Fushiguro (Birthname: Toji Zenin)

😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

Ending A: (Gojo Satoru x Any Gender Reader)

You announced, "And your winner is... Gojo Satoru!". Geto is happy for Gojo, as he clapped his hand out of congratulating you, even if you have chosen Gojo and not him. Toji was disappointed with the results, however he did smirk, as he said, "Since, (Any Gender Reader) picked you, as the winner, then you must be the best man, and I did say the best man wins, as promised.". Then Gojo happily replied, "That's right, Toji! The best man wins and I'm the best man, since I won (him/her/them)!", as he grinned. With a smile on his face Geto replied to Gojo, "And ((s)he/they) made the correct choice, by picking you."

Gojo then, found an expensive place to live in with you. He has been buying you alot of expensive gifts, expensive meals, expensive haircuts, expensive groceries, etc... He just loves to spoil you with lots of expensive luxuries. He will also protect you from anyone and any cursed spirit who ever comes near you. As much as, Gojo loves buying you expensive stuff, he also cares about your safety, as well.

Gojo enjoys watching movies and TV shows with you. You're watching the show or movie he's not fond of, he will tolerate, however if you're watching a movie or TV show he likes, he would definitely definitely keep his eyes glued to the movie or TV show. He will definitely cuddle with you, no matter which movie or TV show you're watching.

The day has finally came, as both you and Gojo were about to have an expensive and fancy wedding, even with Geto being "The Best Man" of the wedding. After the wedding day, Gojo decided to take you to an expensive and fancy hotel on your honeymoon with him. Gojo has even bought really comfy pajamas, since he wanted to spoil you with night clothes, just like anything else.

"Well (Any Gender Reader Name), what do you think about the place?", Gojo asked, as he smiled. You then replied, "Well Gojo, I'm impressed with the hotel and also, you're impressive, as always.", as you kissed him on one of his sides of his facial cheeks. Gojo blushed about that kiss from you. After both you and Gojo finished the activities the both of you did in the hotel, the both of you decided to get ready for bed. You even put on the comfy pajamas, he got for you.

Both you and Gojo proceed to lay on the shared hotel bed. As much as he likes to cuddle, he prefers that you cuddle him, which you did cuddle him that night. It turned out to be the best night's sleep both you and Gojo ever had.

Go to the cursive "The End"...

🍵🍵🍵🍵🍵🍵🍵🍵🍵

Ending B: (Suguru Geto x Any Gender Reader)

You announced, "And your winner is... Suguru Geto!". Gojo, then said, "Congrats my friend! You remembered what we agreed on, my friend!", as he gave Geto the thumbs up, as his was of congratulating him. Geto replied to Gojo, "Yes, I sure do remember. Now time to take my prize.", as you blushed. Toji then mumbled to Geto, " Impossible... You cheated! I clearly feel that you, sucked up!". Then Geto happily replied to Toji, "As I recalled, we all get to do our own thing to show off what we decide to provide for (Any Gender Reader Name) and the best man ((s)he/they) choose out of the three of us, will get the (Any Gender) and will get have (him/her/them) live with the winner, as well! That was the deal you mentioned. I don't remember what we couldn't do to do so. And I must have did something right, fair and square for (him/her/them) to choose me.", as he unintentionally gloated.

Geto found this Japanese style house to have you live in. Any clothing you wanted, he made it for you himself and if he has to be willing knit the clothing for you. Geto definitely loves to cook dinner meals for you and he will even bake homade goodies for you, if you asked him to. He will not tolerate anyone or anything using attacks on you! Not a cursed spirit! Not another human! No one and nothing will get near you, if he feels that the person or cursed spirit (etc...) is not safe for you to be around. So, he is very protective of you. Until he knows for sure you will be safe, he will keep an eye on you.

Geto actually prefers to do the chores by himself. When you bug him to let you help him, he tells you, "No, dear. I really got this. Thank you for the offer, sweetie.", then smiles, so as much as he appreciates you offering to help him, he will decline, as politely as possible, while he prefers to take care of the chores by himself. He worries you will overwork yourself for some reason.

When your and Geto's wedding day came, it became an amazing day for everyone, including you and Geto. And Gojo was "The Best Man" of the wedding. The wedding was a Japanese theme and plenty of Japanese cherry blossom trees, plenty of Japanese cherry blossoms, etc...This Japanese style wedding them is mostly a Japanese cherry blossom theme, which you really loved the whole wedding, including your groom, Geto. He even made sure to create some cherry blossom theme kimonos when he takes you to your honeymoon with him.

Like the home you and Geto lived in, the honeymoon is Japanese style, however the honeymoon is more of a countryside and has exotic animals you haven't seen in the (city or town) you and Geto both live in and it's very peaceful there, too. When night time came Geto took you outside, so you can watch the birds chirp and the wind blowing the cherry blossoms at night. It was just as beautiful outside at night time, as it is in the daytime. He loved it there, while he's very delighted that you loved it there, as well.

After both you and Geto went inside your shared room with him, the both of you got yourselves ready to go to bed, as the both of you wore the Japanese cherry blossom theme kimonos, that Geto had made. As the both of you were cuddling, Geto said, "(Any Gender Reader Name), you're the best thing to ever happen to me.". You then replied, "Geto, you're the best thing to ever happen to me, too.". Afterwards the both of you proceeded with a good night kiss, then drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Go to the cursive "The End"...

🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣

Ending C: (Toji Fushiguro (Birthname: Toji Zenin) x Any Gender Reader)

You announced, "And your winner is... Toji!". Toji smirk then he intentionally gloated at Gojo and Geto as he bragged, "Ha! This proves that no expensive gifts, nor homade foods and things, are even enough for you sorcerers to win, (Any Gender Reader Name) over! Anything to say for yourselves?". Geto was shocked Toji won (and more annoyed with Toji's intentional gloating), however he calmed himself back to his composure and said, "Well, you did say the best man will win, and you won. Just please show some good sportsmanship, since I know you're trying to get under our skins.", trying his best to be a good sport. Gojo was a little irritated as he said, "Well that maybe true you won (him/her/them) over, however all I can ask is... Please don't hurt, (Any Gender Reader Name)? If you hurt (him/her/them), we will hunt you down.". Toji then replied, "Well that's a deal then. I have no intentions on hurting, (Any Gender Reader). And plus both you and Geto can be like brother in laws or future brother in laws for (him/her/them)! I mean I can't stand sorcerers, however the only reason I'm not harming the both of you, is only for, to keep (Any Gender Reader Name) happy.". You then asked, "Out of curiosity, what's your last name Toji?". He replied, "Call by Fushiguro, please. I was born with the last name Zenin, however I have issues with that last name. So call me by Toji Fushiguro and not Toji Zenin, please?", you then respected his wishes about his name.

What Toji picked for a house, is actually something that was a warehouse, so he decided to turn what used to be a warehouse, into a nice home for both you and himself to live in. He has been a little nicer to Gojo and Geto since you decided to be in the relationship with him, otherwise anyone he doesn't care for nor trust, he will threaten them to stop talking to you and stay away from you, without you knowing ofcourse. While he cares about your safety, he just rather not risk having an argument with you and rather avoid confrontation with you.

He enjoys hunting for other sorcerers and cursed spirits to make extra money to put food in your stomach, just incase you get hungry. He pretty much uses the cursed spirits as his trophies, especially using certain cursed spirits he killed to make a rug out of and if you want him to make clothes out of the other cursed spirits, you're actually the only one he will do that for. Other sorcerers he killed he won't do that, because you're one person he rather not scar for life. He would only do the same to the other, only if he fully knows you're okay with it.

When the time came you and Toji both got married. The wedding was obviously had plenty of dead cursed spirits (he's using as trophies) for the wedding theme. After the wedding he decided to pick out a log cabin inside the woods, for your honeymoon with him. He unusually does this for you, as he bought you revealing clothing for you to wear to sleep in during your honeymoon with him. He really wanted to get you night clothes for you wear at night.

Toji then decided to confess. "Listen, babe. It's not my first marriage, however I promise I will treat you better than I did with my first wife and my child, Megumi. I regret making that mistake with my first marriage and I promise not to make a mistake with this marriage.", Toji admitted, while he setting you and himself up for bedtime. You're like the fact that he was honest with you about what he said to you. So after he got done setting you and himself up for bedtime, you petted him, as you comfort him, as you knew he regretted what he did in his first marriage.

After you finished comforting him, he then, decided to let you on the bed first, then he went on the bed. He covered himself and you up with a big blanket.You're also the first person he actually cuddled with. Then both you and Toji went off to sleep.

Go to the cursive "The End"...

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

The End

I hope you enjoyed this different fanfic, my Tumblr Peeps. I figured that since it caught my attention that alot of people seemed to like Gojo Satoru, Suguru Geto, and Toji Fushiguro (Birthname: Toji Zenin), which i can see why, especially with Gojo, so I decided to work on a fanfic pertaining the 3 of them, while having the ending of the fanfic be based on which character of the 3 the reader pics out as their favorite of the 3😁👍I do apologize about the slight spoiler for 1 of the characters😅 I just wanted to makesure I worked on the endings properly and hopefully I did so🤞So with the ((Jujutsu Kaisen Character) x reader depending on which character the reader has chosen, I figured I give this fanfic that kind of shake up the way I've written it😃👍I'm not sure, if anyone has written any fanfics where the ending would a specific way depending on the chosen character, however I figured it'd be cool and fun to have a fanfic written like that😃👍I really had alot of fun with writing this fanfic and I hope you have as much fun reading it, so have a good day or night, my Tumblr Peeps😁👍

#gojo fluff #gojo #gojo satoru fluff #gojo satoru #satoru gojo #satoru #geto suguru #jjk geto #suguru #jjk toji #toji fushiguro #jjk fushiguro #fushiguro toji #jjk x reader #jujustsu kaisen x reader #jjk character x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #apolgies about Toji's worm #jjk fluff #jujustu kaisen fluff

[jayteacups]

goodbye (+ good riddance) 2023...

(we're getting a little personal and sort of vent-y in the first half, sorry in advance. for that reason, reblogs are turned off)

2023 has been, to put it lightly, one of the worst years of my life when it comes to personal stuff. Things at uni took a nosedive real fast, basically. I'm now working on a transfer application to another one, and it looks like I'm gonna be a student for way longer than I expected, which really isn't helping with my FOMO, because my uni experience made me deeply unhappy compared to everyone else I knew, who seemed to be thriving. This also isn't helping with the feeling that I was lagging behind everyone else in the race when I was once in the far lead. Right now I don't want to go too into detail about why I was unhappy, why I'm transferring, so I'll leave this at that.

I also lost contact with one of my closest friends who I've known since year 10, who actually went to the same uni as I did, and that hurt. I still have complicated feelings about her because on one hand, she and I were really close in uni and we shared a lot of happy memories together, but on the other, she hurt the feelings of two of our other friends on separate occasions, and they no longer talk with her because of it. Though neither her nor the two other friends made me feel this way, I always felt torn between the two 'sides'. So I still don't entirely know how to feel about it all, and am still kind of processing it, to be honest. Not only that but some really exhausting online drama behind the scenes happened in spring/summer of this year as well (iykyk lol) which was upsetting because this little internet bubble is a safe space for me and many others.

All that aside though, some really great things happened on here this year. Although I didn't get to write as much as I thought I would (due to the aforementioned personal stuff affecting my mental health and my ability to create) I've made many friends here this year, and I cherish you all dearly, even if I don't talk with some of you guys as much as I would have wanted. I hope to talk with you guys more in the upcoming year! Being in a fandom space, where I can talk to people with a common interest, and reading/writing fics, is something I always look forward to, and often brightens up my day.

I am going to make my resolutions here: to write more and improve my craft (because I have so many more ideas), do better in answering and reaching out to people, both on here and IRL, to work on my mental health and myself as a person because I have been sorely neglecting that this year, and of course to get my shit together when it comes to time management, procrastination and compulsively scrolling on all my socmeds. That doesn't mean I'll not be around next year, because I most definitely will (Levi brainrot go brrrr), but I'll try to control myself and make my relationship with socmed a little healthier! I think I may try to not be on it first thing in the morning, and only for a set amount of time per day, for example. (sounds simple but I really do need to get organised lol)

If you're still here and reading all of my waffling (sorry for subjecting you to that lol), thank you 😂 I've scheduled this post for right before New Year's, by the time it posts, I'll be out with my friends, so I won't be back on here until some time later in the morning. I'm wishing you all the best for the next year. I love you all and am so proud of you. Here's to 2024, and here's to better things.

–Jay 🫶🏼

#jayteacups rambles

[hollygl125]

On rabbit holes and fanfic (in my own life):

*This is a note I wrote for AO3/FFN, but I’ve been meaning for a while to write a post on how I—a member of the Oregon Trail generation—wound up signing up for Tumblr in January 2022, and this kind of hints at that, so I thought I might as well share it here, too.*

What follows is a TMI note on why I can’t make any promises on when the next chapter of this story will be up; please read or don’t, as pleases you.  I would like to state first, though, what I also state at the bottom of this note: thank you so, so, so very much for reading; your kind support means more than I can tell you.

So, I’m, ah… not very good at all this.

Two years ago now, as I was doing a “CSI as love story” rewatch and falling far, far, far down the GSR rabbit hole, I was also falling deep into ADHD burnout and overwhelming anxiety (without, at the time, realizing that I had either ADHD or a lifetime of anxiety).  By the time spring 2022 rolled around, I was lacking executive functioning abilities for even basic tasks, while my mind sought solace or dopamine or whatever it was with—you guessed it—these two lovely science nerds.

I read hundreds and hundreds of GSR fics, without managing to leave a single, solitary comment/review.  (I wanted to comment!  I couldn’t!  I’m not saying commenting would have killed me, but I just couldn’t do it; I wouldn’t have been able to continue reading if it were required, and obsessing over these two science nerds was basically all my mind could handle.  So when I tell you that I get that commenting can be too much sometimes, I get it.  I should also note my eternal gratitude to all the amazing GSR fic writers who—unknowingly—helped me during this time.)

I occasionally questioned whether I might try writing something about these science nerds, but I always dismissed that pretty quickly.  I’d never willingly undertaken a creative writing project in my life (unless you count my last dog’s Instagram).  For added context, until 2022, I had last (and first, for that matter) previously read fan fiction in the mid-2000s, when my favourites on The West Wing were taking their own sweet time.  So in January 2022, while desperate for more GSR content, I was like, “Is fanfic still a thing?  Is there GSR fanfic?”  I literally started by googling “GSR fan fiction.”  I’d never even heard of AO3 or FFN; I think the fic for The West Wing had been on Yahoo! Groups.

But I had all these romantic scenarios and headcanons and such constantly running through my head, and I was getting tired of having to recreate the dialogue for them every night as I fell asleep.  So eventually, in late June 2022, I thought maybe I should try writing something down—at some point in the future, once I’d had more time to prepare.  Naturally the next day my brain was like, no, now, now, we’re doing this now.  I had no conscious say in the matter.  I wasn’t sure whether I was going to post anything, but apparently I was going to write it.

I had a lot of fun writing out so many of my thoughts and feeling and hopes and dreams for our two lovely science nerds, and pretty soon I had a draft for this series of stories (although it was only a fraction of what I have now written).  I started posting the first story in September 2022.  Luckily I got to participate in a (also luckily, not very mentally taxing) overseas professional placement for several months at the end of 2022, and this was a welcome distraction from *everything else* about my life.

When I got home in winter 2023, the anxiety returned in full force.  I got an ADHD diagnosis, but neither that nor the anxiety are effectively managed yet.  And, truth be told, posting these stories gives me a lot of anxiety.  It’s sort of been a weekly cycle of posting, feeling very anxious about it for several days, talking myself back to a place of peace, getting ready to post again, posting again, rinse, repeat.  Sometimes I’ve found myself feeling too anxious to post, and the chapter/story in question has been pushed back by a week.

So I wasn’t exactly feeling great about the posting process, but I was still determined to proceed.  I had a posting schedule that would have seen me finish posting this story by the end of November (last month) then post the remaining four shorter stories over the next couple months.  (A few of them are synced to dates/times of year: the winter holidays and February, i.e., the anniversary of the AAFS conference.) But then, with the last chapter I posted, I was just too anxious/unhappy.  This may have been because I’d slightly accelerated my posting schedule and hadn’t left myself enough time to process everything; I’m not sure.  But I found myself looking at Tumblr gifs of our two lovely science nerds and feeling sad and resentful, not happy, and I realized that, if I continued on as I was doing at the time, I was going to destroy both my deep love of the characters and my own happy place.

So I told myself that I didn’t have to keep posting now—that, as much as I was determined to have the complete series of stories posted, I could do it in months or in a year or some other time when no one was left to read it; honestly, that thought made me feel a lot better.  But then I decided maybe I didn’t have to wait quite so long—that I could try posting once per month or something like that.  On the upside, I tell myself, this should also leave time for me to respond to comments more promptly and to go engage with other writers’ stories.  (I managed to go back and read and comment on a handful of stories this summer.  Commenting still gives me a lot of anxiety; at one point I felt like I almost gave myself a panic attack.  But I’m going to try to work at it.)  As of this morning, I have responded to all comments on these stories, including to comments by guests/people who aren’t logged in (unless I thought the comment was from a bot!).

I can’t promise when the next chapter will be posted.  My goal is for next month, but it really depends on how I feel after posting this one and how I feel next month.  I do hope you’ll come back to read it, though!

If you’ve read this far—both in this series and in this note—thank you so very much!  You certainly didn’t need to know all the information in this note, but I needed to share it, if you get what I mean.

Thank you so, so, so very much for reading and for your kind kudos, comments, follows, faves, and reviews.  Supportive comments/reviews always, always, always make my day.  Your support for this series of stories is truly what has allowed me to get even this far in posting these stories, and I appreciate it all more than I can tell you. 💛💛💛

#survivors in the night: a las vegas love story #about me #adhd #anxiety #disaster person

[danielfuckingricciardo]

The idea about the song thing is the best I have seen in a long time, as I always love to get new song recommendations, so here goes..

15 and Esteban Ocon - let me see what song I need to listen to 🤗

Hi Anon! Thank you so much for the request ♥︎

Sorry for not posting this when I said I would, my internet was super patchy and then I was so tired I slept for like 18 hours haha oops?

I hope you enjoy this fic and the song too!!

+ this is my first published Estie Bestie fic which is exciting! I do have something longer in the works for him but I want to make sure it’s fully finished before I start publishing anything!

Song 15 - The Pretender // Foo Fighters 

Pairing - Esteban Ocon x Reader 

Word Count - 1.5k

Content Warnings - Swearing

What if I say I'm not like the others? What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays? You're the pretender What if I say I will never surrender?

“Frankly, I’m done with all of these misogynistic assumptions that being a woman affects my ability to drive. Instead of waiting for me to fail, the world should be watching to see what I’m capable of. I’m something new, something different. Unknown, unpredictable, unproven. But i’m going to prove myself. And you’re going to watch me make history. Keep your eyes on your screens and don’t look away, because I’m going to be a winner someday.” You say, and your team mate, Esteban, turns to you and smiles. 

You had already made history. You were the first female champion in both F3 and F2, but you had your sights set higher. You wanted that F1 world championship title more than anything else in the world. And you knew you could do it. 

“So, (y/n), is there anything in the rumours that Mercedes have already begun talks with you concerning next season?” A journalist says, and you fight to maintain your unreadable poker face. 

“I can neither confirm nor deny these rumours at this time.” You say, and the audience erupts into speculative conversation. 

You take a glance at the men sat either side of you, and realise they’re all staring at you intently, hoping to extract the information you had denied the journalists from something so simple as a look. But your face does not change. You needed to keep your cards close to your chest, for now, at least. 

Only one race remained, and following its conclusion, you would be announced as Mercedes’ new driver for the next season. Then you’d be able to show the world what you can truly do, to prove that you deserved every chance you had been given, and to cement yourself in history as one of the greatest racing drivers of all time. 

The press conference ends, and you and your fellow drivers are herded out of the room quickly as the journalists continue to speculate on your future. 

“So, is it true, are you leaving us? I heard that you haven’t signed your contract for next season yet, so that has to mean…” Esteban says, his voice barely above a whisper to avoid being overheard by keen ears. 

“I wish I could tell you something, but I can’t. Not right now. Sorry.” You say, and Esteban nods knowingly. 

“Well, I’ll be sad to see you go, but I’ll be happy to watch you win next year.” He says with a bright smile, and you can’t help but crack a smile too. 

“Thank you. It means a lot to me to have you fighting my corner. You know, it seems like half the world’s media has a vendetta against me lately, and it’s getting harder to ignore all their sexist bullshit.” You say, and he rolls his eyes. 

“Anytime. I can’t even imagine how shit it must be to have to deal with all of that on top of everything else. But I know how strong and determined you are. You will make history, (y/n), and I’ll be cheering for you when you do.” Esteban says, and you feel your cheeks begin to heat up. 

You open your mouth to respond, but are interrupted by your press officer who drags you away to debrief from the press conference. Instead, you turn your back for a moment to blow Esteban a kiss before he too is accosted by his press officer. 

—

Three Months Later

Your heart feels like it’s about to explode as you take the chequered flag to a cacophony of cheers and screams from the fans. You had done it, you had won your first race, and you were one step closer to making history. 

“Fuck yes! Let’s fucking go! Oh, that champagne is gonna taste so sweet!” You scream down the radio to your race engineer. 

“Amazing work today. You smashed it. We’re so proud of you.” He says, and you feel yourself beginning to tear up as your intense emotions hit you like a tsunami. 

Jumping out of the car was surreal. You spin around to survey the screaming crowds and see an ocean of neon pink caps and shirts - they were here to support you. An overwhelming sense of pride wells up within you knowing that you had been able to win for them today. 

You rip your helmet off of your head as fast as you can before launching yourself at the sea of white shirts who were all screaming and shouting for you, not even turning back to see who had joined you on the podium. 

As they finally drop you back down on the ground, you feel a tap on your shoulder and you whirl around to see Esteban, his hair slick with sweat and his cheeks flushed a light shade of pink. 

“I knew you’d make history.” He says with a smile, and you instinctively pull him in for a tight hug. 

“Thank you for believing in me.” You whisper into his ear, and he presses a small kiss to your forehead. 

It was easy for you to get lost in this moment. You wanted it to last forever. Your heart felt full, and you wanted more of it. Winning races, being embraced by your team and loved by the fans, but even more than that, you wanted Esteban to be by your side. 

Noticing how your mind had wandered, Esteban grabs you by the hand to take you over to your post-race interview. 

“Since we have you both here, lets keep you guys together. You were team mates last year and now you share the podium. (Y/n), how does it feel to be a race winner?” 

“Oh, it feels amazing! My whole life I’ve been dreaming of this, and it just feels so good to have finally made my dream a reality. And I couldn’t hope for anyone better to share the podium with.” You say, turning to Esteban and smiling brightly at him. 

He gives your hand a squeeze and you can’t help but giggle. You were flying so high that the icy appearance you normally maintained on camera had melted, baring your true soul to the world for the first time. 

“Will this be the first of many this season? Might we see you make history by the end of this year as you have been so determined to do?” 

“I hope so! The car is just stunning, it’s a dream to drive, so I don’t see why not. I’ve faced a lot of scrutiny in the media since I joined F1, and if anything that’s only made me more determined to win and keep winning. But I do have a lot of support, from my team, my family and friends, and, of course, from Esteban who has been so good to me since day one. And I dedicate this win to them. My next win I’ll dedicate to my haters. Never give up and never surrender.” You say, and the grandstands erupt into cheers and shouts. 

“Okay, Esteban, how was that race for you?” 

“It was great, we had the right strategy and the car behaved, which is good. And even better I get to share the podium with one of the most inspiring and talented drivers I’ve ever met. She deserves all this and more.” Esteban says, and you can’t help but grin at his praise. 

The interviewer releases the two of you and you walk away, still hand-in-hand. 

“I mean it, you know, you deserve the world.” Esteban says, and you chuckle. 

“Oh, stop it. I have a reputation as a stony-faced bitch with a frozen heart to maintain! You say any more nice things and my heart might just melt!” You say with a smile. 

“Good. It’s about time the world saw you the way I do.” Esteban says, before pushing you into a secluded corner, perfectly shielded from the cameras, to press a soft kiss to your lips. 

You hesitate for a moment, your mind blank as you try to process exactly what was happening and respond. 

Esteban notices this and pulls away, his eyes wide with worry at your lack of reciprocation. But at that moment, your brain reboots itself, and you lean forwards to reconnect your lips gently. 

The kiss only lasts for a second, before the two of you remember that at any moment a camera could find you and broadcast your first kiss to the world. 

“Um, we should probably get going?” You say, and Esteban clears his throat. 

“Yeah, good idea. We can maybe pick this up later? When there are no cameras?” 

“Sounds like a plan. Now lets go get our champagne.” You say, and Esteban nods. 

#esteban ocon x reader #esteban ocon x you #f1 x reader #f1 x you