exvangelicalrage

[exvangelicalrage]

I turned my essays into a book. 

All my essays are now (or soonish, within the next few hours) available in book form. Ebook, paperback, hardcover coming soon. 

It felt right to do it today, somehow. (it's easter, that's why lol)

#exvangelical #exchristian #atheist #agnostic #ex christian #religious trauma #indoctrination #ex religious #evangelicals #books #new books #essay

[exvangelicalrage]

Easter Again

This easter is very different than last easter. Last easter, I was sitting on the porch roof, crying in fury, anxiety so high I felt like I was going to explode. I went to bed and read. I hated everyone and everything. 

This easter, I'm living in a new house. I have goats. christianity sucks. it's also not my fucking problem. 

I can't deny that the last few weeks of easter decorations haven't annoyed me. They absolutely have. I can't deny that I felt a little niggle of irritation every time someone mentioned "easter dinner." And I can't deny that the stream of social media posts of colored eggs and rabbits and 'he is risen' hasn't made some part of me want to throw my computer in the swamp. 

But unlike last year, all these emotions have been like waves on the beach. They crash against the shore, and then wash back out again. They're there, I notice them, and then they're gone. 

I think this is progress. Personal growth. 

When my mother in law asked me if we had plans for easter dinner, I said calmly, "We don't celebrate easter. that's for christians." And I moved on.

I've driven by tons of churches the last few months, and forgot to flip most of them off. 

Maybe it's the blog. Maybe it's the antidepressants. Maybe it's the fact that we finally moved to the house we want to spend the next thirty years in.

Either way, it's still growth. Forward movement. 

And I wanted to write it down. So in the future, when the darkness crashes over me again, I can look back and remember: the light comes again. And it has nothing to do with fucking christianity. It has to do with the sun rising and setting each day. And the seasons of my mind shifting and changing, just like everything else around me. 

Time moves forward. Darkness to light, winter to spring, rain to rainbow. And sometimes in reverse. But always changing. 

Something new will come, if I can just hang on.

#exvangelical #exchristian #atheist #agnostic #ex christian #religious trauma #indoctrination #ex religious #evangelicals

[exvangelicalrage]

Exvangelical or ex-christian

Agnostic in every possible way

My brothers are supportive and a couple friends, but I lost a lot of friends when I left

No; it was a very lonely process that involved a lot of thinking and feeling and frustration

My immediate family (did not go over well), spouse, most friends

I like Abraham Piper's stuff

I guess in a mythological sense they are interesting, but I don't think they're real

Writing and/or I don't really think I need purpose to live a content life

Trump lol and literally everything about christianity, now that I see it from an external perspective

The complexity of everything

Yeah it's made me more accepting of others and more open to the idea that I can be different versions of me at different points in my life

Writing, cats, trees, my spouse

Yes, I've been in therapy for religious trauma for two years

Ask Game for Apostates, Exchristians, Deconverters and Questioners

(Send a number to me/reblogger’s ask for an answer. Be compassionate, these are personal and not everyone will want to answer all of them.)

1. Do you identify as an apostate, exvangelical, ex-(denomination), heretic, or something else?

2. How would you describe your current beliefs?

3. Have you gotten emotional support from friends in deconverting/deconstructing? Would you like more support? Have you found any online?

4. Was any person, book, or something else instrumental in your deconversion?

5. Who have you told about your deconversion/change in beliefs?

6. Favorite piece(s) of media that speaks to your experiences?

7. Do you like angels or demons?

8. What gives you purpose?

9. Whats one thing that makes you glad you left?

10. What do you love about the world?

11. Has deconverting impacted your experience of gender or sexuality?

12. What are some things that make you happy?

13. (tw) Do you relate to the concept of Religious Trauma Syndrome?

#exvangelical #exchristian #atheist #agnostic #absurdist #religious trauma

[exvangelicalrage]

I love how he finds the words to describe the concepts that float around my head daily ❤️❤️❤️❤️ love him!

[exvangelicalrage]

Being in a cult is like having this huge plant take root in your mind, and the longer it’s inner the bigger and more complex the root system.

Finally realizing it’s all a lie and getting out is like yanking the entire plant out of your brain, it’s tough and annoying until you take one massive tug and it’s out. And it fucking hurts.

And now there are holes where the roots used to be. But if you leave them empty the structural integrity of your mind will be damaged. You have to find something else to fill them with. Preferably something healthy.

And if the roots were complex enough, the one tug that pulled the plant out won’t have been enough to free all the roots. A lot of them are still in there, that’s all the toxic internalized ideas you still have stuck in your head. Unlearning them is like pulling those root fragments out, it’s slow and complicated and painful.

[exvangelicalrage]

[exvangelicalrage]

Any non-Christian: Please don’t call me a cultural Christian, I am not a Christian and it’s kind of shitty to force a religious identity on someone you don’t even know

Half the people on this site: Aww sweetie :) If you weren’t so busy being a bitter angry atheist :) you would know that OBVIOUSLY you still hold a bunch of Christian ideologies like (long list of ideologies that are universal among humans and have nothing whatsoever to do with religion). So maybe :) you should work on unpacking all of the bigotries you obviously believe in, such as (long list of random bigotries that OP has never alluded to whatsoever and are DEFINITELY not exclusive to Christianity). If people saying that you’re a brainwashed idiot who is forever tainted by your association with Christians upsets you :) that just means you know we’re right and you’re angry about it :) Because all atheists are angry all the time of course :)

[exvangelicalrage]

Story of my life. music, movies, magazines, common teenage/childhood experiences? Nope. Let me instead share how I used to find dark places in the church building to hide in. Or how we had "family prayer nights" or or how "read bible and pray" was on my chores list or how my best friend and I burned books we thought had satanic influence or how I was cooking and doing laundry for the family by the time I was 10.

something about seeing Relatable Childhood Memory Posts that i cant relate to.......... i don't know. makes me a little sad i think. what's your favorite childhood movie? we didn't watch movies. who was your childhood friend? i was only allowed to interact with people in the church, and none of them liked me (i was weird and autistic and had eight siblings). "Parent Love Looks Like This" does it? i wish i had known that. and I'm NOT gonna say these things on the posts themselves are you kidding me. but it gives me another small moment to gradually process it, i suppose.

[exvangelicalrage]

I don't hate Christians. I just don't agree with their lifestyle or choices.

I have a little niece to look out for, you know. If she sees Christians yelling at people for existing, how am I supposed to explain that to her? Do I just tell her some people legitimately believe people who disagree with them deserve torture? What kind of a world is that to grow up in?

[exvangelicalrage]

It's Not Technically Gaslighting

Recently, in my travels, I came across this church sign: 

Back in my younger years, I would've seen this, nodded sagely, and said, "Yes. Putting jesus first, others second, and myself last is sure to bring joy. What a clever and profound statement." 

Not anymore. Now when I see a sign like this, at best, I roll my eyes. At worst, I go off on a tirade and end up turning around my car to take a picture of the sign so I can rant about it later online lol. 

So yeah, here we are.

This message communicates a belief that is so, so essential to modern christianity—which is that you should always put others first. Always. And it is especially emphasized for women, whose entire role in life is supposed to be that of service. 

Give, give, give, and never, ever take, they say. You don't want to be a burden, you want to be a blessing. jesus gave everything to save you, so you too should give everything in service to his "great plan." And they use jesus's words to emphasize the point as well: 

"Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all." mark something or other. "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of christ." galatians. "Now that I, your lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet." john. "...whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." matthew.

It goes on and on and on. And it's not just the gospels and paul (I fucking hate paul) who harp on it, but practically the entire old testament as well.

But there's a basic logical fallacy inherent in this idea of being the lowest of the low, of being the last of the last, which is this: if everyone is successfully "the last," then doesn't that technically make everyone first? And if everyone is trying to be a slave or a servant or at the bottom of the pile, who exactly is at the top? Maybe the people who want to be at the top? Aren’t the people who don't give a shit about being at the bottom going to slide into leadership roles? The people who are least qualified to be role models? The people who are the worst candidates for leadership? 

This creates societal pockets rife with abuse. This system is the perfect opportunity for predators to hunt. And there are so many prey. Everyone who is actually a humble person, who is actually trying to live a good life, everyone who wants to embody the servitude of christ—guess what? Simply because they are trying to be good and live life right, they are going to have to put up with a lot of shit from predators who want power and control. And those predators who benefit from their servitude? They’re going to milk it for all its worth.

That's how you end up with brian houstons and bill gothards.

When I was 17, I was part of the youth group band at my church. It was a mini-mega-church, as I like to call it. We had on average 800+ attendees every weekend, and the church functioned with a sort of corporate hierarchy, with a head pastor and sub pastors, and had the fancy lights and loud music and charismatic sermons you'd expect at a mega church. 

Sunday night was youth group, which operated like a full-fledged church service. Kids would come into the sanctuary and us, the band, would play popular christian music. We had a pianist (me), a drummer (my little brother), guitarists, a bassist, and singers. Sometimes we even had brass or woodwinds. They even had a light designer who would do impromptu light shows. And a haze machine. 

It was basically a weekly live music concert for teens that lasted anywhere from twenty to forty minutes. Then the youth pastor would get up and preach a youth-directed sermon. Usually the message was something along the lines of, "be christian in school!" "don't mouth off to your parents!" "don't masturbate!" 

My little brother also played in the adult band, because he was the best drummer in the county, despite only being 15. My family would arrive at church at 7 AM on Sunday mornings, sit through a rehearsal and three church services, and then go home for an hour or two, before returning by 3 PM for youth group rehearsal. We would rehearse until 5 PM, and then had to be performing the "welcome music" (just the musicians, not the singers) at 5:30. Then we played until 6:30, got a "break" for the sermon (during which we were required to sit in the audience), and then played again until 7:30 or 8 PM. At that point, we were responsible for tearing down our equipment, loading out, and shutting down the sanctuary.

They didn't provide food for us. Or drinks. If we wanted something, we had to buy it from the church kitchens. My mom was so upset by this, she started making a meal every sunday for all the kids who were in the band (there were usually 7 of us). 

There weren't volunteers to help us set up and take down our equipment. We didn't get money for maintaining our instruments or for gas, for driving back and forth from the church. We weren't allowed to take breaks.

I remember once during my senior year, I was exhausted. I hadn't gone home that day; I'd been at the church since 7 AM, and it was my fourth performance that week, between high school band/jazz band/church stuff. I just wanted to be alone for a few minutes. So during the sermon, I told my friends I was going to sit in the lawn outside the church and pray. 

I had been outside for less than five minutes when an adult volunteer came out and told me I wasn't allowed to be out there. I explained I was exhausted. That I was in the band. That I'd been there since 7 AM. That I just needed a few minutes to breathe. 

She told me it was against the rules, and that as a member of the band, it was my responsibility to sit in the audience and set a good example for the other teens. She made me go back inside.

I didn't know how to be angry back then, but I was just a little bit rebellious. I told her I had to grab my stuff from backstage. I found a dark corner and hid. One of my friends' dads, another adult volunteer, found me, gave me a little smile, and left me alone.

We were the first people to show up, and the last people to leave. We did manual labor. Emotional labor. We were on display as examples of "good christian youth." We were expected to be perfect, without blame.

We were servants.

There to obey. To do the bidding of the church. Not to obey god, but to obey the leaders who decided what god's bidding was. After all, we were only teens. How could we possibly claim to understand god's will?

And those humans, who claimed to know the will of god, exploited children for their own gain. They exploited us.

I know how to be angry now. But I can't deny there is a complex amalgamation of feelings whenever I think about this time of my life. Some anger, yes—rage, even. Sorrow too. And confusion, cognitive dissonance.

Because while yes, they exploited me, I also can’t deny that I liked being there. I liked playing the piano and performing. I liked spending time with my friends. I liked feeling like I was doing good work, like I was serving god, like I was needed and important.

But, it turned out, I wasn't important. I was a cog in an exploitative machine. 

As soon as I graduated, they brought in a younger pianist who was much more skilled than I. Most of my friends, I never heard from again. I never again heard from the youth pastor who I served so willingly. Nor the music pastor. Nor my sunday school teacher. Nor the adult volunteers whom I worked alongside every week. Even my friendships with the teens I played alongside lasted less than a year after I left.

They made me feel important, necessary, and needed. So that I would keep serving. So that I would continue to provide unpaid labor ranging from performing to cleaning to setting a good example for kids my own age. 

They exploited me.

That ever-present message of service and submission—it's not exactly gaslighting. They weren't trying to sow confusion, necessarily. They weren’t outright lying. But they were trying to get me to believe without question. To serve without question. To obey without question.

And it worked. For a time, at least.

As much as it hurt me, I'm lucky they abandoned me. If they hadn't, I might still be there. Sacrificing my health and well-being and happiness in the service of lies.

Here, I fixed the sign:

#ex christian #ex fundamentalist #exvangelical #ex religious #xtian #religious trauma #iblp #hillsong #brian houston #bill gothard #youth group #exploitation #christianity sucks #atheist #agnostic #christianity lies

[exvangelicalrage]

My middle name is Joy, which isn't the worst (I don't hate the fruit of the spirit), except that my parents literally named me after Joy Gresham who was CS Lewis' second wife 🙄

hey parents. never fucking name your kid “christian” or other religious titles. you failed “respecting my child’s self agency” before they could even walk.

if that kid grows up to be an atheist—which it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to be prepared for, because your kid is their own person and not a mini-you—they might understandably hate it.

My middle name is “grace” after the grace of god, and at least in my own experience, it’s just a reminder that my parents had already demanded me to fit into their mold and check all their boxes on my own birth certificate.

[exvangelicalrage]

Sometimes I forget the pledge of allegiance to the american flag, because it's been replaced by the pledge of allegiance to the christian flag and the pledge of allegiance to the bible

[exvangelicalrage]

Literally every church leader lol

#hillsong #jerry falwell #iblp #carl lentz #those five pastors from the county where I grew up #those 168 abusive priests in MD #every christian leader who wanted me to work for free #i could go on #exvangelical #ex christian #on abuse #religious trauma

[exvangelicalrage]

When progressive Christians complain that people are mean to them for being Christian.

[exvangelicalrage]

literally to this day if I'm having an emotional *moment* over some bad life circumstances I have a little panic time where I truly, TRULY believe god is doing this to me on purpose because of everything I've "done".

I can use reasoning mechanisms from therapy to talk myself out of it and intellectually, I am so painfully aware that life just has struggles and they're normal but this reasoning is just hardwired into me bc I grew up hearing it and that was always the explanation for anyone's suffering. "God is putting you through this to teach you something/to bring you closer to him" like.......... why can't we just have a nice facetime or something 😭😭 why do you have to kill my family member or make me catatonic for a few days just so we can have a better relationship?

Edit: i forgot to add this the first time around, anyway...... ..this is an example of shit that seems so harmless but can have decades or lifelong psychological consequences if you take it seriously (and I did).

[exvangelicalrage]

No child should ever hear: " You hurt god's heart" "God is disappointed in you" "How do you think that makes god feel?" Children are NOT responsible for god's emotions.

The only one who can make your god happy is your god. The idea that humans are responsible for managing the emotional state of a celestial deity means the god is the child, not the parent.

You can't claim that an all-powerful god exists, but it's incapable of regulating its own emotions or soothing its own ouchies, and humans must do so for it by constantly feeding it reassurance that it is loved and adored no matter how spiteful it behaves or what tantrum it throws.

And burdening a child - who is still learning to understand the world and regulate their own emotional state - with the responsibility of also managing the emotions of a capricious god of baby cancer, who is incapable of doing so itself, is astronomically perverted and cosmically abusive.

[exvangelicalrage]