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tooruluv · 3 years

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Katsuki Bakugou x F!Reader ( part 1 )

❝ ...and then there’s you. ❞

description: you and bakugou have hated each other since childhood. through the constant bickering, fighting, and actual fist fights... you had no idea that you had been writing to him.

genre: angst, soulmate au where you have a notebook that you can write to your soulmate in

word count: 3.8k

warnings/notes: strong language, lots of angst, aged up characters, bakugou being bakugou, reader has an air manipulation quirk created as part 1 of 3 for my winner of my tooruluv2kparty contest @katsulovee <33

teaser | part 2

| masterlist

“ ‘cause when the sun goes down, someone’s talking back ” - talking to the moon, bruno mars

┏━━━━━⋇⋆⋆⋇❦⋇⋆⋆⋇━━━━━┓

The storm only escalated, casting the sky in deep blues and greys. Loud rain clattered against the roof of your apartment building, the ceiling of your top floor apartment being the only thing that separated you from the pour.

The rain may be cold, but you were on fire.

You had been livid all day, positively outraged by the man who seemed to always be in your way. He was the most arrogant, most opinionated, and most… loud-mouthed person you ever met. You were screaming from the inside out, burning with rage.

Groaning, you sprawled out on your bed.

Katsuki Bakugou was the biggest fucking issue on the planet. His absurd need to be the best at everything he did, his cold demeanor and venom that spews from his mouth -- you wanted nothing more than to punch him directly in the throat.

With a deep breath, you flipped open your Soulmate Journal.

The world was such a strange place, full of quirks and criminals and heroes and villains. To add on top of that, when you turn thirteen a journal just… appears. And whoever is your soulmate can read everything you write. Once they read it, they can reply or talk to you that way and the ink disappears. There are plenty of rules that go along with it, like if you turn thirteen before your soulmate does, the ink is red until they receive their own journal. Or how the journal itself is indestructible. Or the biggest rule: you cannot write any given name.

When you’re thirteen, your life is full of hope and wishful thinking. Almost everyone at that age is excited to start writing to their Person, the one who they were supposed to be created to be with. You were surprised when you opened yours to find nothing written.

You assumed that you were a bit older than your soulmate, but that was quickly shut down as you wrote in black ink. Your soulmate hadn’t written anything.

It took two months for him to write back. Two months of your excessive writing and nearly diary-like entries. Two months of you wondering if they would ever write back. Until he did.

Today sucked.

That was all you wrote, your past two months of writing still ever present and glaring at you with smudges and hinted annoyance. The ink started to fade like Harry talking to Tom Riddle, reappearing with new handwriting.

It was scrawled across the page with terrible handwriting, very much one of a middle school boy.

Life sucks. Deal with it.

You were now twenty two, an adult and that once hope and love has turned into pessimism and indifference. And life still sucked.

You were pretty famous, your air manipulation quirk one that catches a lot of attention. That, alongside your rivalry with the second most famous hero Bakugou, brought an abundance of recognition. Bakugou completely steals your thunder every chance he has, stealing your light and victories.

You hated him. With the utmost disrespect, you hated him. Since your days in the hero academy, the two of you were at each other’s throats. He would even stop in the middle of antagonizing Deku to make some horrendous comment towards you instead.

You ended up scribbling along the Soulmate Pages, heated rage boiling with each word.

Hey Honey! I need to vent if that’s okay.

Of course.

You would not believe the shit I have to endure in real life. I wish I could describe the hatred I have for this man I work with, he’s a real piece of shit. Anyway, how was your day?

My day was about the same as yours, living with the idiots of real life. If we could write names I would because there’s this bitch I work with that I fucking hate.

Maybe we need new jobs (insert laughing face even though I’m livid right now)

Yeah. Maybe. But we’ll get through it.

It took years for your soulmate to warm up to you. The first interactions were hesitant, slow, and barely considered conversations. But now you can discuss your day as if you were texting a friend, talk about your likes and dislikes.

He was your soulmate after all.

You learned that he was a boy and an only kid, he had a strong quirk, and that he liked ramen. He was a rule follower and his handwriting always used proper punctuation. You told him all about your life and how you wanted to travel away from everything.

You wanted to know who he was, more than anything.

You wished you could tell him your name and quirk, where you lived and who you were. You wished he could do the same.

You’ve tried, of course, to write out your name and location. But the second the words were written onto the page, they turned into a random assortment of letters. Gibberish. Never to be written, never to be known.

“Dude, fucking relax!” You rubbed your temple at your desk, voice spitting venom against Bakugou’s loud vocals. “Not everything is about you, just sit down and wait to be sent on a mission.”

“What did you say to me?”

Katsuki Bakugou had been going on and on about how Deku got assigned to a mission in upper Japan, sent to work with a separate force for a bit to expand his horizon. He was outraged, yelling and standing tall and broad to pretend to be bigger than he was.

You were doing paperwork, trying to concentrate despite his yelling and complaining and bitching. You were hovering above your seat with your legs crossed, papers scattered (it was a habit of yours, to just kind of hover a couple of inches off the surface of things; air manipulation and all that).

“I said,” You turned to look into his ablaze eyes. “Sit down and wait. Not everything is about you.”

You only threw fuel into his fire, you could hear the sparking between his fingers. You turned back to your paperwork.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, you’re not even in the top five heroes.” Bakugou barked in your direction. You could feel his heat as he approached your desk. “You can sit and do your own paperwork all you want! I need to be put on serious cases, just like stupid Deku is always placed on.”

“You can argue with me all you want.” You moved to continue your work, pretending to be unbothered. You could feel the anger boil in your chest. “But you still are and will always be measly little number two. Now shut the fuck up, you’re interrupting those who are actually working.”

He was going to hit you, you knew he was. You two ended up fist fighting all the time, oxygen and explosions ending in destruction. Before he could, your boss walked in with a bellowing, “Bakugou! Get over here, I have something for your loud ass!”

You decided to give him a bored middle finger as he walked away.

They say that words are the way of life. You could say an infinite amount of words and sentences in your lifespan, you could say a word and only ever say it one time. Each assortment of words are different each time, something new every day.

You figured that’s why you hated the soulmate thing.

Finding your soulmate should be one of chance, of pure coincidence and meeting of strangers. With the journal, you are starting something you only hope to find. You could go your whole life without finding your soulmate.

And that is terrifying.

There are horror stories of writing to an endless notebook, sad movies created where the lettering turns back to red before they’ve found each other. You wanted nothing more than to meet and just… be with the man you’ve been writing to since you were thirteen.

It seemed to be some sick joke, a tease in the palm of your hands.

When you were young, you attended UA High. It was meant to be the best school for heroes, grooming them into the best of the best. Both of your parents had been heroes themselves, your mom with a cloud quirk and your dad with wings. You took after a bit of both, no wings and no clouds but could create air currents and manipulate the air surrounding you within a certain radius. It has something to do with your breath and lungs, but you never looked too much into the actual DNA aspect.

When you arrived in the hero program, you passed the tests with ease. You tried to focus mainly on yourself and gaining your own points, alongside a couple of students with the same idea.

You were pissed when you were placed in 1-B instead of 1-A. It was the start of your rivalry with the explosion boy.

Luckily, you quickly gained friends. You actually seemed to have a soft spot for Hitoshi Shinsou, and you and Itsuka Kendou seemed to be the only two with brains (this led to many conversations resulting in shit talking and giggling). So in the end, you weren’t too upset to be placed in the second best class.

And you did get to fight with Bakugou a lot more without punishment, your professor wanting to be number one as much as anyone else.

One particular day that you remember to this day, one that really labeled your hatred for Bakuogu, was just a normal day at first. You were finished with your normal morning classes and just beginning the hero portion of the day, the training and fighting.

Your class was working with Class 1-A for the day, teaming up with one of their students and seeing how your quirks would act both against and with each other.

You were, of course, teamed with Bakugou.

The fucker was already set in his ways, loud and in need of attention at all times. You were well aware of his… loud personality… at that point, being beside Shinsou when he called your class “extras”. He was already someone you wanted nothing to do with.

“Good luck.” Kendou muttered to you when your names were announced as partners. “See ya.”

The second you headed to him, you could feel his apprehension. He wanted nothing to do with you. And you wanted nothing to do with him. In fact, you were hoping for Uraraka as your partner, wanting to see how your air manipulation would work with her gravity.

Apparently the professors wanted to see the oxygen working with the burst of flames. Which, honestly, is cool yes — but it was the person behind the explosions that you did not want to be a part of.

Bakugou was not one to mumble under his breath.

“Why am I paired with you?” He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms across his chest. “I could at least be with someone interesting like Mind Control over there.”

You already wanted to punch him. “You’ve obviously never seen my quirk.”

“Clearly it hasn’t been interesting enough to be worth my attention.”

“Say that again when I remove the oxygen straight from your lungs.” You threatened, knowing damn well you didn’t know how to do that yet. “Let’s just get this over with.”

He let out a long exhale, moving into position. You were already flying by the time he let off his first explosion.

His utter disrespect for you and your quirk not only irritated you, but only was the start of a long term competition on Who Can Be Better Than Who that lasted the rest of your time at UA.

Through the constant loud arguments, the yelling in the cafeteria and the comments just loud enough for the other to hear, the fist fights and the swearing that was reserved only for each other, you found comfort in talking to your soulmate. It was relaxing after a long day of pure annoyance and shit talking to finally just get to have normal conversations with someone you enjoy.

Are we allowed to ask about school in this thing?

I don’t think so.

I’m sighing. Pretend that you could hear my sigh.

Wow, that was a loud sigh.

YOU’RE FUNNY! Anyway, I really want to know if we go to school together :(((

I don’t even think we can talk about JRTPD or BO::SOMD. See, they turn into gibberish.

I mean… we can say school. So we can ask ABOUT school just not… specific schools.

That’s true. I go to a special school and am the best in my class. You’re getting lucky by having me as a soulmate.

Well I would only hope so. Need a smart soulmate for fun facts.

Fun fact: you’re pretty cool. I guess.

Ah, the admission of your love for me.

Not love. I don’t hate talking to you if that does anything for you.

The one person you don’t hate. I’ll take it, Soulmate.

Don’t push it.

We should give each other nicknames. Since we can’t call each other by our real names.

Does the book allow it?

My parents did it before they found each other.

Okay. Like what?

I can call you Hot Head, because you’re hot and because you are always writing about how mad you are.

No.

I can always go with something cute like Honey.

This is gross. I was thinking like gamer tag nicknames.

Okay, Honey.

I take back what I said, asshole.

Honey and Asshole. The perfect pair. We could solve crimes!

I’m going to bed now.

Goodnight Honey ♡ I know that you aren’t reading these but you will in the morning. Dork.

“Do you know who your soulmate is?” You asked.

You were hanging out with Kendou, Monoma, and Shinsou in Kendou’s bedroom. The dorm rooms were all set up the exact same way, but for some reason Kendou’s always seemed to be bigger.

“No idea.” Monoma shrugged. “I don’t think I want to know until I’m older, we’re too young and I want to focus on graduating first.”

“He’s right.” Kendou twisted in her position on her bed. “Why? Do you want to know who yours is?”

“I want to know more than anything.” You sighed. Your head was laid across Shinsou’s lap on the floor. “We get along so well and I try to talk to him every day.”

“How do you know it’s a he?”

“He told me.” You laughed. “We tried really hard to narrow it down as much as possible.”

“It sounds like he wants to know you too.” Kendou said. She giggled. “I should ask my soulmate their gender.”

“What about you, Shinsou?”

“I barely write to mine.” He shrugged, making your head tilt a little. “I’m sure they understand.”

“I’m sure they do, they were made to be yours.” You looked up at him with a smile. “Of everyone, I thought you would write the most.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because most people are scared to talk to you in real life.”

He flicked your forehead. “You aren’t scared to talk to me.”

“I’m not scared to talk to anyone.”

“I’ve noticed.”

You sighed and closed your Soulmate Journal, the rain now casting a dark shadow across the entirety of the sky. Your face was flushed in red, hair disheveled and you were still in your hero uniform, dirty and kind of burnt.

Katsuki Bakugou had not only interrupted your victory, but he had claimed it as his own. His desperation to be the number one hero hadn’t stopped. It’s been years, you’ve grown past his stupid desire and he simply… hasn’t.

You fought the villain yourself, using your quirk to it’s full capabilities and trapping them in a circle of air. You fought for over an hour by yourself, taking up the mission while out and witnessing it first hand. Your freshly bought coffee was long forgotten as you raced after the thief.

The second you landed the thief, the ball of air dissipating as you grew tired, Bakugou arrived in a fiery feat and handcuffed the villain. Of course, the main photos were of him with the handcuffs, standing proud as if he hadn’t stolen your fight.

His argument was that he did help. Yeah, he did ‒ for three seconds.

Katsuki Bakugou was a piss stain upon himself, truly the worst of the worst who’s own personal interest outweighs anything else in his life. He will never be anything but second best because he never thinks of anyone but himself.

If only he could read thoughts instead of turning his sweat to ignition. Then you wouldn’t have to put your harsh thoughts into tone.

Your Soulmate was one of two people you genuinely enjoyed talking to, he always seemed to be on the same page as you. The other is Shinsou, from your high school. He was the only one you really kept in contact with.

Sometimes you like to convince yourself that Shinsou is your soulmate, since he hasn’t found his either. But you compared the handwriting and it didn’t match at all. Shinsou’s handwriting was much smaller and neater than the man you would eventually call yours.

“This is so fucking stupid!” You screamed, your rage reaching its max.

You threw your journal across your bedroom, the storm masking the sound of it banging against the wall by your bed. You were pissed, you wanted nothing more than to see Bakugou’s downfall. It’s been years. You were over it.

You were over it all. You were over him, you were over not knowing your soulmate, you were over being alone in your stupid apartment. It all reached it’s apex. Maybe you needed a shower, or maybe you needed to move from your job.

Your fit was interrupted by a loud crash on the roof of your apartment building. You nearly jumped at the sound, the sound not even close to the crashes of thunder.

You rushed to the roof, your hero senses kicking in more than your regular carefulness. Once you were outside, you were almost instantly drenched in the rain. Only a couple of yards ahead of you was a man crumbled to the ground; they must’ve hit the roof harder than you thought.

When they turned, clutching their side, you knew instantly who it was.

“Deku?” You rushed towards him. “I thought you were in Hirosaki for some serious villain.”

He moved to stand, much taller and broad than he was back in high school. Yet still with the fluffy green hair and bright eyes with hope always seemingly sewed in.

“I was. I just… I need your help.”

“Why do you need my help?” You helped him stand fully, taking his hand from his side to check for an injury. He wasn’t bleeding. “Doesn’t Uraraka live around here?”

“I don’t… want to involve her in this.” He stood straight. His healing must’ve started. “I… this is something I need you for.”

“Okay…” You crossed your arms. “What do you need?”

“I know what you’re going to say.” Deku started, and you didn’t move. “But it’s Bakugou.”

“No.”

“C’mon, Aero, I know that you two…”

“No.”

“Please, I…”

“Deku, you know more than anyone how and who he is. Whatever it is, he can deal with it himself.” You started back towards the stairs. “I appreciate you coming to me, for whatever reason, but this is something that you have to find someone else for.”

“Don’t think of this as us doing something for him.” Deku rushed to stand in front of you. “Think of it as a favor for me. You owe me one.”

“Don’t do this now.”

“I’m officially cashing in my favor.”

You sighed, “Fine. Can you at least tell me what we need to do for the asshole?”

“I’ll tell you on the way.” He nearly jumped in joy. “But you cannot tell anyone. Not Shinsou, not the police, and not our boss. This is under the radar.”

“Oh, shit.” You followed him as you flew next to him. “What are you getting me into?”

tag list: @katsulovee @paradisebabey @seaofemptygold @zhaixiaowen @daylghits @haikyuusimp91 @darknessyournewfriend @samwise-though @liaxxx109

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charincharge · 4 years

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I Don’t Want To Wait, seven

rowaelin high school bff au masterlist

Based on the prompt:

Sharing is caring. Now, give me the hoodie!

“I’m never drinking again,” Aelin moaned as she rolled over on Lysandra’s bed, shoving her head under the pillow. She knew Rowan had censored himself filling in the gaps of her night. Saying she was an angry drunk, though accurate, was not quite specific enough.

Apparently, she and Rowan had had a screaming match in the kitchen that he failed to mention, and Aelin had zero recollection of.

“The entire kitchen cleared out,” Lysandra explained, “Lyria included. But you were… pretty loud.”

Aelin groaned into the pillow.

“Why wouldn’t he tell me?”

Lysandra patted Aelin’s foot, trying to be comforting, but Aelin didn’t want to be comforted right now. She kicked Lysandra’s hand away.

“This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Lysandra snorted and poked her bare foot. “At least he thought you were talking about someone else?”

Aelin peeked out from beneath the pillow and frowned again. “That is so much worse. Now he thinks I’m mad at him for not letting me kiss NOX OWEN.”

“What else was he supposed to think? You can’t exactly blame him. You smacked his drink out of his hand and started screeching about how he ruined your kissing plans.”

“As if I’d ever have a chance with Nox. I barely even have a chance with Rowan, and he’s been my best friend since we were eight.” Aelin sighed loudly. “Whatever. Everything is ruined now. He’s going to prom with Lyria.”

Lysandra frowned, the pity evident in her bright green eyes as she flopped down next to Aelin on her comforter. “I’m sorry, boo.”

“Tell me one more time,” Aelin sighed. “Exactly what we both said. Every word.”

“In the kitchen?”

Aelin nodded.

“You stared at Lyria’s hand for like… a full ten seconds. Then you smacked the drink out of Rowan’s hand, and screamed – Where’s my drink, bitch? And he very calmly said, What the fuck, Aelin? Because… you know. The drink spilled all over the floor. Then you screamed at the top of your lungs, I NEEDED ANOTHER DRINK, AND YOU RUINED EVERYTHING. And he did that eyebrow thing you hate and asked, What did I ruin? And then you screamed back KISSING PLANS. That’s when the kitchen started emptying out.” Aelin groaned.

“It’s so much worse hearing it again.”

Lysandra paused. “Do you want me to repeat the rest?” And Aelin nodded tentatively. It was masochistic, but she needed to hear it all again.

Lysandra sighed loudly, knowing the worst was about to happen. “You fucking raged, Aelin. You incoherently started screaming – I HAD KISSING PLANS. AMAZING REAL FIRST KISS PLANS AND YOU RUINED THEM BY GETTING DISTRACTED.” She crinkled her nose at that. “And it looked like Rowan was going to say something, but you just kept going on and on about your ruined kissing plans. You called him an idiot….” Aelin cringed. She couldn’t believe how belligerent she was. “And then you screamed, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME BACK WITH MY DRINK. THE DRINK WAS INTEGRAL TO MY KISSING PLAN. Which, by the way, nice SAT vocab drop while you were blackout drunk. That was impressive.”

Aelin couldn’t do anything more than flick off her friend. She was too busy berating herself for all the stupid things she didn’t remember saying when she was drunk. She’d been this close to telling Rowan she’d planned to kiss him. And she’d said FIRST KISS. It wasn’t like she hadn’t kissed anyone before – she totally had. There’d been several games of truth or dare which included kisses and a braces-filled makeout session at Camp Terrasen in eighth grade. She’d just meant their first kiss. She wanted to die.

“Then he got really mad himself and screamed back at you that you should have told him about your kissing plans, so he didn’t ruin your night. And you screamed back it didn’t matter since it was already ruined and clearly you could get your own drink.”

“I think that’s when he realized you’d had a little too much to drink that he’d clearly missed. And he sought out Nox, who explained the drink chugging, and while that happened, you literally chugged another drink and then launched yourself at Salvaterre.”

“I have to apologize,” Aelin said, but Lysandra shook her head.

“He didn’t bring it up for a reason.” Lysandra softened her eyes, running her hand through Aelin’s freshly showered hair. “I think once you punched Lorcan he chocked everything up to wasted nonsense.”

Aelin shoved her face into Lysandra’s pillow and let out a low laugh. What a nightmare. “I’m just grateful you and Elide were there to change me,” she said. “I can’t even imagine my embarrassment if Rowan had to peel me out of puke-covered clothes.”

“Yeah, you owe us for that one.”

Aelin’s mouth dropped in shock. “You left me to sleep on the bathroom floor!”

Lysandra laughed. “Only because you scissor kicked Rowan in the knee when he and Wes tried to take you up the stairs.” She looked at Aelin. “He’s not mad at you, Ace. He was going to let you sleep in his bed. Puke-covered and all.”

Aelin rolled onto her back. “But he’s going to prom with Lyria,” Aelin repeated again.

“She’s nice,” Lysandra quipped, causing Aelin to glare at her. “But she’s not you.” Aelin’s lips quirked upward at that. “He’ll figure it out eventually,” she said, letting Aelin breathe a sigh of relief. She really hoped Lysandra’s assessment was true. “Or he won’t, and you’ll spend the rest of your life pining away.”

Aelin snorted loudly. “Gee, thanks.”

“Welcome, bitch.”

Lysandra paused, her green eyes soft and nervous instead of holding their usual brash confidence as she continued. “I know you and Rowan are special best friends with, like, a special best friend song and everything.”

“We do not have a special best friend song?” Aelin interrupted, causing Lysandra to laugh and boop her nose softly.

“You do. It’s ‘Dancing In The Moonlight,’ which is adorable, but not my point.”

“And that is…?”

“I know I’ll never be Rowan, but I’m still a best friend, and if you need to talk about things… you can tell me. Especially if they’re Rowan things.”

Aelin bit her lip and breathed nervously. “I’m glad you know.”

“Oh, babe,” Lysandra laughed, rubbing Aelin’s shoulder softly. “I’ve known about your feelings for years. I’m just glad you finally told me.”

Aelin groaned and shoved her head under the pillow again.

~*~

Dear journal,

I don’t know who else to talk about this with. I know Lysandra KNOWS now, but I just need to vent to someone impartial, okay? Things with Rowan are so weird… because they’re not weird at all. After Lys told me what I screamed at him, I was sure he’d finally come out and clear the air, but it’s been a WHOLE WEEK, and he hasn’t said anythingggg. Everything is just…. normal??? He even let me keep the lacrosse sweatshirt Lys and El put me in. I tried to give it back, but he told me it was mine now. What the hell is THAT about? What does it mean?

I want to tell him I know about the fight, but then I’d have to explain I was screaming about kissing him, and I don’t know if he wants to hear that anymore.

All I know is that every time I look at him I feel like I’m about to explode. Not to mention I’m about to go suit shopping with him for ~PROM~ and I’m kind of freaking out. What is Rowan in a TUX going to do to my body? I might just combust there on the spot. Maybe he’s right. I should ask Lys to teach me how to … you know (masturbate). I tried to watch a video (I KNOW), but I got a million pop ups and got too nervous and shut my laptop off. Maybe I should look on my phone next time. Do phones get pop ups?

UGH OKAY. HE’S HERE. WISH ME LUCK.

Xo, Aelin

5/21/20 – age 16

Aelin slammed her journal shut and shoved it under her stack of decoy notebooks in her nightstand just before Rowan appeared in her doorway.

“Ready to go, Ace?”

She nodded and stretched her arms above her head, shaking out her hand, which was cramped from writing so neatly in her journals.

“Don’t you want to bring a jacket?” Rowan asked, looking at Aelin’s bared stomach pointedly.

“It’s almost June, Buzzard, don’t be such a prude,” she answered, her arms self-consciously crossing over the chest of her cropped t-shirt.

He rolled his eyes, leading them back downstairs, and Aelin grabbed her purse and followed. “Don’t come complaining to me when you’re too cold.”

“I would never,” she gasped, feigning shock. “And don’t forget you owe me post-shopping ice cream.”

“Oh, bring me back a pint of chocolate peanut butter,” Rhoe called out from the kitchen, his blue eyes peering out from behind the giant pages of the Orynth Times.

“Sure thing, Dad,” Aelin called out, passing by the kitchen with a wave.

“Wait, wait, wait.” Aelin doubled back and peered into the kitchen where her exhausted looking dad sat. “Rowan is taking you shopping? Has hell frozen over? Rowan, how did you get conned into this?”

Aelin looked up at Rowan, who scratched his head uncomfortably. “She’s actually taking me shopping. I need a tux for prom…” Rowan trailed off, his cheeks turning slightly pink as Rhoe returned a surprised look at the child who was practically his surrogate son.

“Ae, do you need a dress?” he asked, suddenly looking worried. Her dad would give her the moon if he could, but supporting a daughter on a firefighter’s single salary was often more than he could manage.

“Oh, no,” Aelin shook her head, carefully concealing her hurt feelings with a devilish smirk. “Rowan got asked to junior prom.”

Rhoe’s eyes widened, flickering between his daughter and Rowan rapidly, before smiling softly. “An older woman, eh?”

“It’s not like that…” Rowan grumbled, his cheeks flushing slightly as he looked down at the ground at his well-worn running sneakers. “I barely know her. I just said yes to be polite…”

“Sure, Buzzard,” Aelin said, poking Rowan’s side. He frowned at her unhappily, flicking her finger away.

Rhoe barked out a loud laugh. “Have fun, you two.” He fixed Aelin with a serious stare. “Make sure he picks out something really embarrassing, kiddo.” His stare broke as he winked, sending them off on their way, Rowan rushing out of the house as fast as his feet could carry him.

“Oh yeah,” Aelin laughed. “I’m putting him in blue ruffles first.”

“You are not!” Rowan called from outside, already starting up the jeep.

Aelin waved goodbye to her dad and hopped into the passenger seat, cranking up her mix, which was still playing in Rowan’s car.

~*~

“I look stupid,” Rowan whined, shoving his hands into the pockets of the umpteenth different styled tux the shop attendant had pulled for him. This one was black, again, but some kind of shiny material, and the pants had a stripe up the side.

Aelin couldn’t help the small frown that tugged at her lips at how picky her best friend was being. She honestly assumed the boy who mostly lived in athletic shorts and t-shirts would be fine with the first suit he tried on, but he was being finnicky and far too particular for someone who “just said yes to be polite.” And it was starting to get on her nerves. What she thought was going to be an exercise in sexual restraint was actually just trying her patience.

“Shiny, no good!” the salesman agreed, his accent curling thickly around his criticism.

Rowan sighed and turned to look at Aelin, who did her hardest to neutralize her facial expression before he saw her frown, but it was too late.

“I knew it,” Rowan grumbled, peeling the jacket off and handing it to the salesman, who cleared out the full dressing room again, and Aelin gnawed at her lip, trying to think of something comforting to say.

“It’s not bad…”

“Don’t fucking lie to me, Ace.”

“Language!” the salesman snapped, and Rowan’s mood lifted for a brief second as he laughed in shock, his eyes going straight to Aelin, as if to say Can you believe this guy? She shook her head in agreement, and she was relieved to see a smile on his face for the first time in two hours.

Aelin pushed herself off the small chair in the communal dressing room space and approached Rowan. She cocked her head to the side and let her eyes shamelessly trail his form. He was right about this particular suit. It did look stupid. But none of the suits, all in differing shades and cuts of black, had looked right. As her gaze trailed back up to his face, his breath held, patiently waiting for her conclusion, Aelin had a stroke of genius.

“Black isn’t your color, Ro. It’s washing you out.” Rowan’s face scrunched at her assessment, clearly unpleased. But the stark contrast between the white and black, combined with his pale hair was doing something to his usually tanned and glowing skin, and it wasn’t good.

“I refuse to wear a light blue suit,” he said, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Not something bright. Just… subtle color,” Aelin explained, and the salesman started nodding rapidly.

“Ah, yes, the Bellissima is correct. Color. Yes, color! COLOR!”

He excitedly ran back into the shop and returned with suits in various dark shades of navy and emerald and maroon slung over his shoulder. Aelin watched in amusement as he shoved Rowan back into the dressing room, telling him to try the green first.

Aelin stood impatiently, arms crossed and leaning against one of the 360 mirrors, hoping against all hopes that her assessment was correct. She wasn’t sure she could endure another two hours of this. Another five minutes would be bad enough, to be honest.

When Rowan walked out to the small platform, she knew she’d nailed itt. Her pulse thrummed loudly, and she could feel her lips part, inhaling a large gasp into her drying mouth. Rowan looked…

“Wow,” Aelin whispered at the same time Rowan said, “Huh,” peering into the mirror.

Aelin stood up straighter, pushing herself up and getting a closer view of the striking boy in front of her. The green was so dark, it just barely contrasted with the black lapels and trim of the suit, but the color brough a warmth to his face that had been missing, the green of his irises prominent beneath his long blonde lashes. Those bright eyes peered over at Aelin, searching for her reaction, and she couldn’t help the soft blush that appeared across her skin as they locked with hers.

Rowan cleared his throat, coughing lightly as he smoothed the jacket out, pulling the lapels gently. “Uh, yeah. Good call, Ace.”

Aelin lifted her long hair into a high bun, needing something to do with herself besides stare and to allow the breeze of the store fan to cool the back of her neck.

“The one!” the salesman cooed, running his hands across Rowan’s broad shoulders proudly. “We did it!”

When Aelin looked back up, she was surprised to see Rowan’s eyes still on her, gauging her reaction with curiosity. He raised a blonde brow in her direction, and Aelin was afraid for a second that she was going to launch herself at him right there and kiss his face.

Instead swallowed loudly and clapped her hands, shaking off the intensity of his gaze and smiled broadly. “About time, Buzzard. Now, let’s go get me some ice cream.”

The moment was broken as Rowan rolled his eyes and made his way back into the changing room, slinging the suit over the door as Aelin exhaled and slumped back into the chair for a brief reprieve.

“Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream,” Aelin chanted as Rowan paid for the tux rental.

Rowan slung his arm over Aelin’s shoulders and smiled down at her. “Fine. You earned it.”

“Hell yeah, I did,” Aelin said, as the salesperson shouted, “Language!” at them again, as they ran out of the store, both giggling.

By the time they reached their favorite ice cream spot, the sun had set, and the swift down current breeze of the Staghorn Mountains had started up, cooling the temperature significantly from the balmy afternoon Aelin had dressed for.

She looked out at the dark water, shivering slightly as she took her first bite of mint chocolate chip. Rowan bit back a smile as he wrapped his hoodie around himself tighter, keeping the winds out, happily eating his cookie dough without danger of freezing to death.

On her third bite, Aelin finally broke. “Oh come on, Buzzard, sharing is caring. Now, give me the hoodie.”

“I told you to bring your jacket!” Rowan laughed just as a particularly strong gust cut against Aelin’s exposed skin, making her shudder. “Oh for fuck’s sake,” he snorted, opening up the hoodie and nodding to her. “Get in here.”

“Really?” she asked, teeth chattering.

“You’re the worst,” he joked as he unzipped his hoodie and held it open, and Aelin practically raced into it. Rowan’s smile grew as he zipped the hoodie back up, which shockingly stretched large enough to fit them both. Just barely. Aelin pressed her cheek against his chest, soaking in his warmth as his free hand rubbed her back. She shivered again, but this time having nothing to do with the cold, warmth and desire radiating through her body as she felt every twitch of his muscles, every shallow breath.

“Better?” he asked, and she nodded, smiling happily into her next bite of ice cream. She savored each bite, not wanting the moment to end too soon. Each bite tasting better than the last, surrounded in Rowan’s grasp and heat. She breathed in, his heady scent filling her head, his embrace feeling so perfect around her. Her stomach calmed, everything suddenly feeling so right.

“Thanks, Ace,” he said quietly, resting his chin on her head. “I know that’s not how you wanted to spend your Saturday.”

Aelin finished her last bite and leaned harder into his warm chest. “I don’t care how we spend our Saturdays,” Aelin admitted. “As long as we’re hanging out.”

“Cool,” Rowan said, sounding so lame that Aelin couldn’t help but laugh, and she could feel him hiding his own smile in her hair. “Okay, we have to get back into the car,” he laughed outright, his hands rubbing circles onto her back, and Aelin shook her head into his shirt. No, she wanted to stay just like this forever.

“I’ll freeze to death!” she countered instead.

“We’ll just have to make a run for it. I don’t plan on losing you tonight, Ace.” Aelin groaned, but Rowan knew he’d won. “On the count of three,” he warned her. “One… two…” On three, he unzipped the hoodie, and Aelin screeched, her voice raising to glass shattering levels as she sprinted towards the jeep, wind whipping through her thin t-shirt and cutting against her warmed skin like ice.

Rowan unlocked the jeep as they ran, and they both launched themselves into their seats simultaneously, joyful laughter bubbling up in both of them and filling the car.

Aelin watched Rowan as he turned the car on, and immediately cranked up the heat. Her stomach fluttered again, and she crossed her legs to quell the ache of desire that had begun to take over her body.

As stealthily as she could, she pulled out her phone and texted Lysandra again.

I need some help.

Her phone lit up with Lysandra’s returning message almost immediately. XYZ kind of help???

Aelin snorted at the use of Rowan’s code name. Lysandra had suggested if Aelin ever wanted to talk about Rowan in text, she probably shouldn’t use his name. Just in case he ever saw. Aelin had immediately suggested his initials, RW, but Lysandra smartly pointed out he was the only RW they knew. Lysandra cackled, suggesting XYZ – because it came right after W. And with any luck, Aelin would be coming soon.

Aelin’s cheeks flushed as she texted back. Can you teach me/instruct me/explain how to masturbate?

OMG!!!!! MY BABY BUTTERFLY, YES YES YES GIRLLLLL!!!

Aelin laughed softly, and Rowan looked at her curiously, from her cheeks to the phone lit up in her hand.

“Who could you possibly be texting right now?” he asked, and if Aelin didn’t know better she would have thought he maybe sounded slightly put out.

“Lysandra,” she answered, a little too quickly, but her heart was beating too fast at the inappropriate back and forth she and Lys were having, especially since she wanted to fantasize about the person sitting right next to her while she… learned.

“What about?” Rowan asked, curious.

Aelin bit her lip. “You were right,” she said, her face probably beet red. She was grateful he couldn’t entirely see the color in the dark.

“About what?” he asked. “I mean, I’m often right about a lot of things,” he added cheekily.

“Masturbation,” Aelin replied as confidently as she could, while feeling like her skin was going to burn her alive. The car swerved slightly as Rowan snapped his head to look in her direction.

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice sounding strained and high.

“Lysandra’s going to teach me.”

Aelin could feel her best friend’s gaze puncturing holes into her flaming cheeks as he searched for something to say. But when she looked up, she couldn’t speak fast enough.

“ROWAN!” she shouted as the jeep crashed straight into the taillights of the car in front of them.

~*~*~*~

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#rowaelin #high school au #i don't want to wait au #charincharge writes

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dangan-happy · 3 years

Note

[HARK! That sounds like an ask that has just come in!] To anyone (except Tenko, sorry).

I started working recently, and it's been... Harsh. I spent almost all of my childhood wishing I was an adult so I could finally take control of my life, but now that I'm 18 going on 19, I've realized that being older didn't make anything any better. Actually, all I can think as of lately is that I'm tired of everything- tired of college (I didn't want to enroll, my parents forced me), tired of work (because my back hurts and my head feels numb after hours of doing the same thing), tired of living.

I don't want to die, not really, I just... Wish I could have some hope for the future. Hope that things will get better and that some day I'll finally, finally feel like all this pain was worth it, but I don't think that time is ever going to come. Not even having a salary makes me happy, because I'm so unmotivated I can't even think of anything to spend it on. I feel nothing but despair, and I've felt this way for years. Maybe I'm just too far gone at this point... Sorry for venting.

Don’t be sorry for venting, anon! Venting is always good for you, especially since it’s way better than bottling it all up. I’m so glad you felt safe and comfortable enough coming here and venting about all of this. Hearing about all of this breaks my magical miracle girl heart, and that’s not sarcasm at all! And hearing that... w-wait a minute, y-you said that feel nothing but despair? A-And that you’ve felt this despair for years now?! Waahhhhh, oh nooooo, this is not good; not good at all! Call me a drama rabbit, but hearing this truly makes tears form in my beady, black eyes; this has got to be one of the biggest no-nos I’ve ever witnessed in all my years of teaching!

M-My wonderful, hardworking student, please take a seat. This calls for a moment of Magical Miracle Girl ★ Monomi’s Comforting Support & Advice 101. Tee-hee, I named that all by myself. Pretty neat title, huh? Anyway, enough about that, for I’m here to help you with this despair. Having taught tons of high school students, as well as encountering a bunch of adults and even some recent high school graduates, I can understand where you’re coming from. Just entering adulthood is sadly no triple chocolate cakewalk, whether you once wanted to become an adult at first or not. It’s quite unfair that your parents forced you to enroll into college, as that’s something you should decide on! I don’t know what you specifically do for work, but it really does sound exhausting and maybe even a bit repetitive, too. A-As for being tired of living... I-I can understand that. I can understand the despairful wonders on if all of this hard work will even be worth it at all; if it’ll even be worth it at all; what the point even is for and to do certain things, such as education and work. All of that just piles on and on, and that weight begins to really weigh you down. Sniff, I-I’m sorry. Just seeing you struggle with this much despair really is making me tear up here; I just can’t stand to see one of my wonderful students go through such terrible despair. I-I’m such an emotional teacher, I know...

Ah, but I must wipe these tears away for the meantime, and show you the truth. To quote a few of my students: “I’ll cut through your words!” Right now, it may be hard to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel full of despair; it may be hard to see if any of this will even be worth it in the end or at all. I can understand why you feel that way, but I must stress for you to not give up, no matter what! It may not seem or feel like it now, but this is simply a rough patch in your life, and like other previous rough patches you’ve most likely experienced and gone through, you will get through this! All of this hard work; all of the hard work you do in college and at work; all of it will prove to be useful and will prove to be one-thousand percent worth it in the end. And you are not ‘too far gone at this point’. To once again quote those same few students: “No, that’s wrong!” You are never ‘far too gone’; you’re just experiencing a whole lot of stress and emotional distress at this time, that’s all. I have full hope that you will get through this; that you will be able to power through and fight back against this despair; that you will be able to see the light at the end of this tunnel and keeping using hope as a motivator. I promise you and my entire magical carrot garden, all of this will be worth it! Sadly, while I may be a magical girl, I can’t give you any specifics on when things will start to improve. I do have a student who’s really good with predictions and even has his own crystal ball though! If you want, I could ask him to help you out. Ah, but right now, he’s busy finishing up that late homework assignment of his, so for now, I’ll use my magic stick to shine some shining hope onto you! And I’ll add onto that hope by giving you the hope from my heart!

To be honest, I would suggest looking into seeing a counselor or overall professional to talk to about all of this. Look around in your area, and find one that fits your wants and needs, and in your case, works with your schedule. In fact, you might be able to get some help finding one through your school! It doesn’t hurt to try. Of course, just the thought of counseling or therapy can be scary, so if you’re not exactly ready for that, then don’t worry, I understand. But I would still highly suggest finding a proper, healthy way to vent. Try venting to someone you trust, like a significant other, a best friend, a parent or legal guardian, a family member, or even a school counselor, if your school has one! And if you’re just not ready to talk to someone at all just yet, then try journaling! Get yourself a cute or cool-looking notebook, pick your choice of pen or pencil, and write down your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, anything and everything you want to get out and jot down. And the best part is: Only you will look at it, write in it, and have access to it! You can even decorate it with stickers and washi tape, if you want to, tee-hee. Suggestions to venting and getting some of that despair out aside, as your teacher, I am assigning you a homework assignment. Don’t worry, there’s no deadline, and you won’t fail my class or receive a grade or anything like that, I promise! With that being said, your homework assignment is... to treat yourself. Now now, I read the part where you said that you’re so unmotivated that you just don’t know what to buy and everything, but with all of this despair you’re fighting against, and with all of the hard work you’re doing, I think-- no, I know that you deserve a reward. Buy yourself a few of your favorite snacks or drinks; buy yourself a new comic book or novel; buy yourself a adorable Squishmallow and name it Sir Fluffypants! They always come with names on their tags, but it’s funnier and better to name stuffed animals yourself, don’t you think? But seriously, for your sake and your sake alone, pat yourself on the back and reward yourself for being so strong and hardworking, okay?

This officially concludes a moment of Magical Miracle Girl ★ Monomi’s Comforting Support & Advice 101. I sincerely hope that some of this reassures you and helps you out in some way or another. Before you go, let me give you a gold star sticker and a nice, warm, super duper soft hug. You’re going through a lot right now, and you’re not only working hard, but fighting hard; you’re fighting against despair, after all. So please, feel free to hug out some of that stress and pent-up despair. Now, keep doing your very best! Don’t lose to yourself! And don’t forget to save frequently!

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #monomi #mod hajime

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justseveralowls · 4 years

Text

Self-Care: Anxiety Edition

Okay, so today I am going to start hopefully a recurring post series called “Self-care Sundays”. The idea behind these posts is to give gentle ideas for self-care for a variety of situations. I am hoping to include a range of activities that have a variety of energy requirements ranging from none/ very little to higher demand. I hope these are helpful and that I have the spoons to keep this pattern up.

Why self-care when anxious is important:

Despite how often anxiety is dismissed as simply ‘being too high strung” or ‘just a part of life’, the effects it can have on your physical, social and emotional well being are undeniable. Chances are, even if you haven’t experienced long term or chronic anxiety, you’ve experienced at least some nasty effects from being anxious. Things like tension headaches, insomnia, irritability, digestive problems, and many others are pretty commonplace. These alone are nuisances, to say the least, but when turned into long term struggles they can worsen and even effect broader mental and physical health conditions. So caring for yourself while anxious, whether your anxiety is rare, sporadic, or chronic, is super important.

Low spoon/ Low energy

Unfollowing media that causes anxiety/stressors

Certain influencers, news apps, social media, triggering/ upsetting blogs or channels. As much as I didn’t want to admit this, unfollowing certain blogs and changing the books and movies I watched had a pretty impressive effect.

Setting up your phone/tablet/computer to have a do not disturb time.

Personally I have a daily ‘Do not disturb’ switch from 11 pm-7 am. This helps my focus this time toward preparing for the day, getting ready for sleep, or coloring.

Having limits on how often/how many times you check your email, particularly work or school if it is a major stressor.

Starting/ending your day with soft, calming or uplifting music and a few breaths (doesn’t have to be counted or deep.

Affirmations, either on post-its, on your phone, spoken allowed or just kept somewhere you can see them.

Heres a link to an anxiety affirmations list

Coloring.

Adult coloring books are great and all but if that’s too hard (holding colored pencils or large spaces to color) then there is nothing wrong with kids coloring books (E has a Hello Kitty one and crayons) or if that’s still too high energy I love color by number apps.

White noise, or guided meditations

Using apps to track mood and anxiety

Calm harm, Clear fear, Moody, ect

Hugging a pet, stuffed animal or friendly human

Mid- spoons/ Middle energy:

Brainstorm ways to make the stressful times of the day or week easier

Meal prepping/planning a meal out/ allowing yourself frozen food or boxed mac and cheese.

Give yourself small rewards to look forward to ( I download podcast episodes ahead of time and give myself something nice)

Prepping meds/vitamins ahead of time (proud owner of a ‘grandma pill container’)

Gratitude/positivity journaling (Can be just one line “Beautiful flower outside etc.)

Fidgets!

I absolutely love my fidget cube and magnet play thingy (sorry can’t really describe it better.

Learning to finger knit, crochet, knit or make friendship bracelets

This is actually awesome for allowing yourself to rest and recuperate while still feeling productive and getting the sweet sweet instant gratification. (I made this!)

Creating a google calendar to keep up with appointments and stuff. (Great for brain fog, systems, feeling overwhelmed, etc)

Give a self-massage, soak your feet, put on a face mask

Painting, collaging, writing, crafting, etc.

Higher spoons/Higher energy:

Making time for movement or activity of some type

IF YOU HAVE CHRONIC PAIN, ILLNESS, A HISTORY OF EATING DISORDERS/COMPULSIVE EXERCISE PLEASE BE SAFE AND DON’T HARM YOURSELF OR DISREGARD THE INSTRUCTIONS OF DOCTORS< COUNSELORS OR EVEN JUST YOUR BODY.

This can be a short walk, rocking in a rocking chair, dancing/moving to a song, going to an indoor pool and doing water walking (once I am off exercise restriction I intend to do this to treat my POTs and joint issues)

ONCE AGAIN STAY SAFE

Use a notebook at chart your anxiety, identify triggers and help with thought reframing.

This can help detect patterns and figure out what works best for you.

Venting to friends, to a stuffed animal or even to yourself

Seek out support groups (online or in-person) or pursue therapy (A lot of colleges have walk-in counseling for free, and there are lots of chat spaces/supports online)

Read/listen to media that inspires or calms you

If possible try a change of scenery

I adore going to libraries, coffee shops, or even just a different room or part of my room within my own house.

More important than anything on this list is that you take this struggle seriously. This is a real problem and deserves your attention and acknowledgment. Your brain does not produce anxiety simply because it thinks it is fun. Like every feeling, anxiety serves a purpose and it’s crucial that you give yourself the patience and grace that would give a close friend. Caring for yourself isn’t laziness, narcissism or a character flaw. It the right, kind, and emotionally intelligent thing to do. You can get through this. You are doing great. Keep fighting.

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andimackbigbang · 5 years

Text

The Good Side Tyrus Song Fic

Fic By: @green-lemonboys

Art By: @celsfandomrave

Fic-

It ended, as it had started, in a cafe.

Well, not a cafe per se, but the Spoon. The place you would go to grab a milkshake, some baby taters, and pour your heart out to your best friends, let them in on a secret, fall in love, and soon fall out of it. That’s what it was, a place where life happened.

The last time Cyrus walked through its doors while in high school, it had been raining. Appropriately so. Soaked in the rain, Cyrus pulled his hoodie around himself, pushing open the doors to find TJ sitting in a booth alone, staring at the empty space in front of him. He was pulling at the skin on his thumb, his hair dripping wet, and his eyes were sunken.

He looked distant.

That wasn’t something new to Cyrus. They had both been growing apart for a while now. College and the future loomed before them, stretching the fabric of their relationship apart. They were holding on by mere threads, both refusing to acknowledge the consequences. But they weren’t fools, they knew it was coming. The decreasing number of calls, of texts, of stolen moments under the gym bleachers. It was bound to happen. But it didn’t mean Cyrus was ready for it happen just then. But he knew there was no stopping it, so he took a deep breath and walked up to the booth, sliding into the seat in front of TJ, making him look up at him.

“Hey Teej,” Cyrus said softly, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands. TJ looked up at him, giving him a small smile, but anyone could see it was forced, a facade to pretend everything was okay.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, and TJ let out a shaky breath.

“I got into University of California.”

“TJ, that’s great. I’m really happy for you,” Cyrus said, grabbing TJ’s hand, but he could feel the way TJ shrunk away. It had been a while since he had spontaneously grabbed TJ’s hand, them usually resorting to holding hands when others were around, because that’s what couples did. Just then, the waitress came and set down their two milkshakes and two baskets of baby taters. Cyrus took a sip, dipping the tater in the milkshake as he saw TJ do the same. His mind unhelpfully reminded him of a much warmer time, when only one milkshake and one basket of baby taters were on the table between them.

Cyrus let go of TJ’s hand, drawing back into himself. “You don’t seem happy.”

“No, I, I am, happy,” TJ muttered, keeping his gaze down. “But, I can’t help but think, about us. What will happen to us?”

Cyrus sighed, thinking he knew where the conversation was headed. “Yeah, that’s what we need to talk about-”

“Like, we’ll obviously FaceTime, and text. And if it’s too much we can email?”

Cyrus narrowed his eyes, looking at TJ, who was looking up at him. “W-What?”

“And every now and then, we can meet up when we have breaks. It’ll be great!” TJ said, his voice sounding more and more desperate.

“TJ,” Cyrus said softly, trying to catch his attention, but TJ was looking at his hands, his breath shallow.

“I mean, we, we can make this work. We can, cuz I love you and I know we can,” TJ said, his words hinging on wild.

“TJ,” Cyrus said forcefully, grabbing both of his hands, finally forcing TJ to stop talking and look up at him. “You know that’s not what is gonna happen.”

TJ stopped talking, gulping. He finally looked up at Cyrus, the small thread of desperate hope that he had built up finally snapping. Slowly, he looked back down, nodding slightly.

Cyrus sighed, letting go of TJ’s hands, almost thankful for the distance. “It’s not a surprise, honestly. I mean, we’ve been drifting apart for a while now, you and I know that equally well,” Cyrus continued, looking at TJ. “And, and. This is a better option than us staying together, not talking, and just growing to resent each other.”

TJ just nodded along, his eyes trained to the table. After Cyrus finished speaking, silence hung between them like a black veil, one waiting expectantly for the other to say something, anything. Finally, TJ looked up, tears brimming in his eyes.

“I just thought we could last,” he said in a broken, choked up voice.

That was what made Cyrus have to look down, because that was the one thing that had still tried to hold him back from doing what he did. They were supposed to be the ones who made it through till the end. But he couldn’t dwell on that.

Cyrus looked down at his left hand, the silver ring on his finger shining as he had been twisting it around nervously. He still remembered the way TJ had walked up to him on their one year anniversary, and had pressed it into his hand with a kiss. It’s our promise, he had said, and Cyrus had kissed him again through his tears.

How fitting that it was through tears again that Cyrus would be twisting it off, pressing it into TJ’s hand, and taking his things, and walking out of the Spoon for the last time in high school.

It was rough.

Even though they had drifted apart, even though this was the only way things were going to end up, Cyrus couldn’t help but feel the hollow, broken sadness spread through him like ink in water.

He was cruel, leaving behind both the rings in TJ’s hands. Like he threw it all on him and took off running, trying to escape the heartbreak and the aftermath. Like he was a coward.

Because that’s what he was, a coward. They could have made it last, could have figured out their problems, could have stuck it out. But he was scared. He was the one who left. It was all his fault.

Opening the door to his now mostly packed up room, Cyrus fell onto his bed, breathing shakily as the thoughts consumed his mind. His fault, his fault, his fault.

Tears streamed down his face like an endless waterfall, staining his shirt, and no matter how hard he tried, Cyrus couldn’t wipe it away. He reached over to his bedside drawer, pulling out his worn out notebook and fumbled around for a pen. As soon as he found one, he hastily scrawled whatever words formed a cohesive sentence in his mind, a semblance of a story emerging as he penned down the messy words. The ink ran in the places where his tears fell on the notebook, wrinkling the page, but frankly, he couldn’t really bring himself to care. After he managed to write all the feelings he could ever experience, Cyrus was so worn out that he ignored the insistent buzzing of his phone and the calls for dinner to just fall asleep.

When he came to the next day, Cyrus found it hard to peel his eyes open, the lids feeling glued together from the tears. He sniffed, pushing himself up as he rubbed his eyes, looking down at the crumpled pages of his notebook. As he flipped through the messy, tear stained words he had scrawled down, Cyrus was frankly impressed by his somewhat coherence, as a story emerged pretty clearly from the emotional mess that was his journal.

But what to do with that story?

Cyrus looked around his room curiously, trying to think of what he could do, when his eyes landed on his video camera, one he had gotten from an extended family member on the occasion of his Bar Mitzvah. Rubbing his nose, Cyrus got up from his bed and walked over to it, picking up the camera.

Well, one little silly short film to YouTube wouldn’t do much.

The effect resembled a snowball, an avalanche, but in a way that was both beautiful and gut-wrenching.

Cyrus could never have anticipated the effect posting that short film would have had. For him, it was just a way to vent, to let his emotions out, but a few days after he had posted the film he had made, Buffy and Andi ran up to him excitedly with their phones, showing him the way it had gone viral.

So he made more, not as frequently, but people who subscribed to his channel were patient. Cyrus couldn’t help but draw inspiration from everything that had happened with TJ. But it helped him heal, and he was glad of that. But he couldn’t help but feel guilty as he saw the world appreciate and cheer to TJ’s heart falling apart.

He left for Harvard soon, excited to actually go to an Ivy League college. And that was where he soon met James, a fellow classmate. It didn't take long for Cyrus to find his home in James’ arms, soon enough moving in with him, and not hesitating to tell everyone he could about it. But whenever the rare occasion came when TJ’s name popped up on his social media, Cyrus grew acutely aware of how it all probably looked to him, how he had moved on so quickly. But, that had NOT been the plan.

He would understand. Maybe not just then, but one day he would.

Turned out the fortune teller was right about Cyrus. He ended up dropping out of Harvard. Leaving to pursue directing short films, and soon his work began to gain a lot of professional and industry buzz, his work being screened at festivals of all prestige.

Cyrus couldn’t have found a better way to heal.

It started, as it ended, in a cafe.

Well, again, not a cafe, but the Spoon. The one place that had not changed in the many years of Shadyside, still home to baby taters and milkshakes, still the place for hearts to heal, break, fall and learn.

The first time Cyrus walked into the Spoon after coming up on 8 years, it was a warm and sunny spring day. Appropriately so, Cyrus running a hand through his hair as he smiled at the waitress who came to take his order. His gaze fell on the simple silver band on his left hand and he couldn’t help but smile.

Not James, no. James waltzed out of his life as smoothly as he had come in. That ring was given to him by Gabriel, a charming fellow director he had met at Sundance, and the rest was, as they say, history.

Cyrus looked around from where he sat in the booth, noting the irony at that it seemed to be the same one he had sat in the last time he was there, the mood and circumstances very much different. Today, it was about rebuilding bridges, finding old relationships and once and for all making things right.

Cyrus hoped tha when he walked in, they could catch up on everything that had happened, and he hoped he could say he was proud, as he hoped he was proud of him. He wanted to thank him, for teaching him the ropes of love, for showing him the way.

But more than anything, he wanted to apologise. That Cyrus ended up getting the good side of the breakup, the good side of healing, the good side of mending. The good side was what he got.

The door opened from behind him, and a figure approached Cyrus. Even before he spoke, he knew just who it was. But he only turned around when he heard a soft but reserved, “Hi Cyrus.”

Cyrus smiled, looking up.

“Hi TJ.”

Art-

#andimackbigbang #andi mack #ambb #tyrus #tyrus song fic

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sakura-hiroku · 4 years

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The Peaceful Chaos: All the little thoughts

My life, so far, has been a good one for me. Not that great, but it falls on the middle tier. I may not currently be living my life the way I want it but nevertheless, it's still good (I'm still a minor after all haha).

Here is the story of my journey so far in this mystical phenomenon called life.

My life from the beginning was very fun as I grew up living with my family. Although my father wasn't always with us because he needs to go back to Japan for his business, he never forgot to call us every night.

I was a quiet kid. Having not much interest in many aspects aside from rummaging my father's notebooks (because I find his Japanese writing very beautiful) and his film cameras.

In every decision in my life, my parents weren't always getting on my way. They were just there— supporting me.

Now, talking about my elementary life. Well, it was not that great. I have some so-called friends, but no friends like real friends. Which was fine to me. I don't enjoy their company too... somehow.

The only thing that I loved during those days was when I discovered my passion in the field of journalism. Starting as a newscaster and news writer, it gave me confidence and inspiration to do well in class.

High school days. The best four years of my life. My passion for journalism was even ignited. I even got a new real friends this time. From being an introvert and shy kid, I became the opposite.

Then the ASEAN 2017 happened. It was like a divine move for me to join the media team. I completely forgot about my dream of being a doctor. I wanted to be a journalist. But meh, journalism in the Philippines is a big mess so.... I am planning to take that course in Osaka (by God’s grace :)).

Now, during on my third and fourth year, I was fighting my inner demon. And I was getting sick.

When my life was quickly falling out of my hands and reality wasn't within reach, I felt helpless. I needed to find a way out somehow, someone or something to influence me in a better way by helping me out of the major hole I had dug myself into. I was back from my old self. I personally struggled something with my own mind and there was a negative nature on it. And it was always within me, hiding and lurking in the depths of my mind waiting for its turn to knock me down—hard.

I was an emotional mess. I had much anger and no one to vent it on, except my parents, which, most of the time, was pointless. This would just end up being an even bigger mess. As time passed, I began to miss many days of school, but not causing my grades to fall tremendously. I knew somewhat what I was doing; I knew my life was on a downhill.

So I collected myself and do the right thing in the right way. Brought myself back on track. It's just your own thoughts, your worst enemy. But hey, we fight the battle alone and win by our mind's strength and ingenuity. That's how you become friends with your inner demons.

And I would like to end this with a quote from Seth Adam Smith,

“You cannot defeat darkness by running from it, nor can you conquer your inner demons by hiding them from the world. In order to defeat the darkness, you must bring it into the light.”

I am holding on my hope.

youtube

#life #lifeisgood #positive #hopeful

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goldenndaylight13 · 4 years

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September 11th, 2020

Today’s Topic: Making Time For Priorities

Hello all!

Just an introduction, so you can get to know me a bit. I’m a college freshman studying anthropology and education, and I am writing a book to hopefully publish someday whether that is online for free or through a publisher. I will not be revealing my name or sexuality on this blog, so as to keep the anonymity of this and confidentiality consistent, however this is a safe place for those in the LGBTQ+ community. As of today, I am not sure where I want this blog to go but my goal is to help people and post some fun things along the way and build a helpful little community.

So starting today I’m hoping to post at least every one to two weeks, starting today with Making Time For Priorities (and for yourself, because you should be a high priority!!) and next time’s subject being...well I’m not so sure yet! But we’ll figure it out, right?

One of the most difficult things about being in college today is the amount of work and time that goes into finding the perfect balance of an active mind and an inactive mind, or a relaxed mind. A few of the things I find to be helpful include using apps, journaling, and even just taking personal time to do what you feel your body needs.

There are wonderful apps, one paid and one free that I use to let my emotions out. Headspace is a subscription-based service that has various different things that you can listen to in order to wind down. It includes recordings for falling asleep, meditation, focusing, and even working out. Prices vary depending on if you get a yearly or a monthly subscription, but for students it is only $9.99/year, which is a significant reduction from their retail prices. The next app I use is free, Vent. There are different communities within the app that you can join to support others and be supported. The community guidelines there are pretty strict, so you hardly see any kind of spam accounts or bots. You choose how you’re feeling, and then write however much you want, and choose to post it publicly, privately in your diary, or post it to those who you follow and who follow you mutually. The nice part about selecting how you’re feeling is, you can explore posts others have made using the same selection and interact with their vents as they can interact with yours. Both of these apps will be linked at the bottom of this post!

Something else that can be helpful to people is journaling. For me, I fill a journal or a spiral notebook and burn it when I’m finished!

Crazy, right? But the second that journal is up in flames (usually at the end of a full year) all of the issues, transgressions, and conflicts I faced during the span of that journal no longer feel real or important; as if they never happened. I like to think and believe that this goes with the concept of “out of sight, out of mind.” Once the words are gone, the reminders, you start to move past them more than you would if you allowed yourself to keep it and risk looking back and “reminiscing” which I have found often lead to those old negative feelings coming back to haunt you. Now you might be one of those people who want to pass on your journals to your children or close friends some day and who may not think destroying your journal is the best idea. To this, I propose you keep two journals. One for the negative, one for the positive or important things. This way you can get rid of the negative, keep the positive, and overall organize your thoughts and compartmentalize your feelings as you go through the journey of processing them. Usually notebooks I buy are about a dollar or two at Dollar General or Dollar Tree but sometimes, for ones I like to keep, I buy a nice one from TJ Maxx or a craft store. It’s entirely up to you and what you want to do! I’ll link below to some journaling sites as well!

Perhaps the most do-it-yourself thing on this post is this: doing what you feel your body needs. This can include but is not limited to sleeping, cleaning, or even watching Netflix/Hulu/TV. If you’re me, I usually sleep or watch TV mindlessly for a while just to invest my time and put my mind on a sort of autopilot. Sometimes I bake, write stories, or listen to music too. It is quite literally entirely up to how you want to use this time for yourself. There is no exact science to self care.

Hopefully this post helps you figure out some ways to clear your head and find some relaxation and solace while you’re in school (or even if you’re not!). If you want, feel free to message me, as I’m here for you as well!

Apps:

https://www.vent.co/

https://www.headspace.com/

Journaling:

https://mellowed.com/journaling-for-beginners/

https://www.buzzfeed.com/jarrylee/life-changing-tips-for-keeping-a-journal

https://theblissfulmind.com/journaling-tips/

https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/writing-your-way-out-of-depression

#self care #selfcare #self healing #self help #mental help #relax #relaxing music

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eruditekid · 7 years

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I figured since people are beginning to go back to school and because I was just a freshman last year, I’d share some tips that would have helped me through my year or some tips that I’ve received from other people! Below are a list of organized tips on classes, studying, socializing, self care, and more for any high school freshman, but can also apply to high school students in general! Hopefully this helps others, and if you have any extra questions I don’t mind answering them!

SCHOOL & CLASSES

Talk to your teachers! You don’t have to follow them on Instagram and be best friends with them, but at least introduce yourself or talk to them a little bit. It’ll be easier to ask for help, make being in class more fun, and it’s always nice in case you need a letter of recommendation from them in the future. Even a simple “have a good day!” is a nice gesture.

Make a friend/contact in every class! It’s nice to have someone to talk to in the class, whether it be on a friendly basis or just a “hey, I have a question on the homework” basis. If you get their contact info, it’s great to communicate about any assignment and in case you miss a day of class, you’ll be able to get some info on that as well.

The coursework will be harder. For me at least, the high school courseload was a lot more than middle school. Expect to have to work harder for grades and that maybe you won’t hit the mark you were aiming for. But you’ll be okay. If you face any failures, it’s okay to cry and be upset, but pick yourself back up, examine your mistakes, and start a new.

Sign up for honors and AP classes ASAP! Only if you know your mental health and schedule can handle it. Don’t overwhelm yourself with the hardest classes if you know you can’t make time to study for them or if you know that there will be a mental toll. Failing an honors class isn’t worth it and you shouldn’t place an AP class above yourself. However, I believe that taking harder classes is something to show for college and it’s nice to challenge yourself.

Ask questions! Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You’ll regret it in the long run, and no, it’s not a stupid question. I’d rather be extra-clarified on a topic than be left in the dark to my detriment. If you have a question on homework, make sure to bring it up with the teacher the following day!

Participate in class. You may not want to at first, but raising your hand to answer questions or be active in a debate will benefit you in the long run. Plus, your teachers will notice you. (Especially if participation is a grade, like in a language class.)

Sit in the front of class! You’re not the teacher’s pet, you’re not some “try hard,” you’re getting your damn education. Sitting in the front will allow you to focus more on the task at hand, and you won’t be as full of distractions as you would be. Plus, if you’re at a height disadvantage, you don’t have to stretch your neck to impossible angles to see the board.

Take classes you’ll actually enjoy. Don’t take art just because you think it’ll be easy even though you hate it. Find alternatives, talk to your guidance counselor, and try to switch out of classes you know you won’t enjoy. (On the other hand, try something new! Interested in theater, but never taken a class? Take it! You may learn some things!)

NOTES, STUDYING & ORGANIZATION

Do your homework as soon as possible! The best time to do it is when you get home. Your homework isn’t just a grade, it’s to help you understand the topics in class. If you know you’ll be busy later, don’t be afraid to do your homework at lunch or any other available time. It’s better to get it out of the way so you can enjoy the rest of your day! Also, don’t copy it from others, it won’t help you in the long run.

Make group chats with people in your class(es). I did this several months into the year, when one of my classmates added me into group chats for the classes we shared (geometry and chemistry). It was a tremendous help, to be able to ask and answer questions, to compare homework, etc. I highly suggest doing this!!

Find your study space. Whether it’s going to the library after school or your desk in your room, find the best place you can study and focus without distractions.

Learn how to take notes and study. Find the way you learn and study! You can learn about what type of learner you are here. Knowing how you study will help you immensely. Tips on taking notes are here, and extra advice on studying can be found here.

Create a study schedule. Make studying a habit! Even reviewing just a little bit after school and reviewing what you learned over the week on weekends will make revising for tests a lot easier. Schedule specific times for when to study so it’s not left floating in the air. Make your study times longer as it gets closer to tests, midterms, or finals.

Midterms and finals are not as bad as they seem. But you should still be prepared and study for them just as hard. They’re not the end of the world, they’re not the worst thing that will ever happen to you. Just prepare and start reviewing more intensely a couple weeks before or so.

Don’t copy word for word when taking notes. You’ll remember a lot easier if you put it in your own words. Also, don’t copy every single thing that your teacher says. However, if they write it down on the board or repeat it several times, you should write it down. Creating acronyms also help you memorize.

Quizlet is your best friend. I don’t suggest making them for everything, but they also help you memorize, and it’s great if you don’t have index cards on hand. I used it for memorizing names and formulas in Chemistry, vocabulary terms for History, and theorems for Geometry. Plus, if you want, you can share with a few friends if they need it!

Annotate! Annotating helps especially with English. Ask the teacher beforehand what you should be focusing on, what the themes are, etc. Annotating helps you become active in your reading. Buy page flags or post it notes if you’re borrowing the book from school, otherwise, write right inside the book if it’s yours.

Underline and write in the margins rather than highlighting. Highlighting is passive learning–you’re not really absorbing the information and it can get overwhelming for me. Instead, I grab different colored pens, make a key in the corner of the page, and underline. With each underline I pair it with an explanation of why I underlined it and my thoughts. It helps you engage with the reading.

Stay organized! Find your organization system–whether it’s binders and loose leaf paper, folders and notebooks, etc. Keep track of all your assignments and grades for future reference (some teachers may directly copy questions from homework onto tests), and never throw away any papers you get from your teachers, unless they tell you to.

USE YOUR AGENDA/PLANNER/BULLET JOURNAL! It will be one of your lifelines. Write down every assignment/essay/project/test date as soon as you hear about it. It’s very important to keep track of this!!

Use the Pomodoro method! It’s basically 25 minute study sessions with 5 minute study breaks, and on your fourth study break, you take a 25-30 minute break. It’s great for sectioning time when you’re studying (I did this for my midterm/finals!), and gets you to look up, drink water, and stretch before getting back to work.

ACTIVITIES & SOCIALIZING

Learn how to balance your social life and your school life. Know the right amount of time to dedicate to studying and when you need to take a break from homework to hang out with friends. It may take a trial or two, but once you find your rhythm, it’ll be great for your health, education, and experience.

Join some extracurriculars! Extracurriculars are great for exploring what you like, meeting people who share the same interests, and just overall having some fun. Find out what your school offers and join what you think will be interesting! However, don’t overwhelm yourself and join everything (it won’t be good for your health) just for the sake of a college app–find what you love and stick to it.

Go to those dances and football games! Understand sports? Me neither, but it’s great to connect with friends and have a wonderful time. Have some fun! But don’t force yourself into anything that will make you really uncomfortable, of course.

Dating isn’t everything, popularity isn’t either. You don’t have to date in high school, especially not freshman year. However, if you do, know what you’re getting into and make sure that school is a priority above a relationship. Popularity and cliques aren’t everything either, just be yourself, find your own friend group, and I promise those friends will last longer than any sort of high school popularity.

Sitting alone at lunch is perfectly normal. Don’t be afraid of sitting alone. So many people do it, and you probably don’t notice them until you’re one of them. Just pop your headphones in, do some homework, and don’t mind the people–they aren’t even staring at you, promise. If it does bother you, though, go to the library or a classroom! You can also just ask a classmate/acquaintance if you can sit with them. There’s no harm in asking.

Make friends and drop the toxic ones. High school is a clean slate–you may lose some of your old friend group, but it’s also an opportunity to make new friends. Say “hi” to someone next to you in class, spark a conversation over a borrowed pencil, meet people at your extracurriculars… you name it! Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, everyone’s just as nervous about making friends as you are. This is also a time to drop friends who may be toxic and negative. High school should be a wonderful experience, don’t let others hinder that.

Befriend some upperclassmen! They’re not as scary as you think! They know a bit more than you do, and they especially help to give you advice on future teachers you might have or to vent about your current teachers.

Be kind to everyone. Compliment someone, smile at others, make someone’s day brighter!

Going to a party? Be safe, please. I won’t tell you to avoid alcohol and drugs like the assemblies at school, but just know the consequences that follow should you want to do something like that. Tell a friend, buddy up, you know the deal.

Avoid drama. It’s probably a given, but you shouldn’t need to involve yourself in any sort of that. Sometimes it’s inevitable, but avoid it when you can!

SELF CARE

Eat breakfast! You should start your day off right and at least eat something before you’re off to school (or if you don’t have time/resources, eat breakfast at school). It boosts you with energy so you can focus in class!

Take a nap if you need to! If you didn’t get enough sleep one night and feel sleepy during a study session, don’t hesitate to rest so you can focus, otherwise you won’t be able to retain much info. Make sure to set an alarm for 20-30 minutes so you won’t sleep for the rest of the day.

Never pull an all nighter! It’s detrimental to your health and 9 times out of 10 it’s not worth it. It’s much more beneficial to at least take a nap (read above) and wake back up in the morning (if you really have to, like 4am-5am). I’ve seen friends pull all-nighters with hands shaking, sweet tarts bag in hand, and have to nap in a class just to survive. Don’t do it. Take that nap. Plan out your study sessions. Your health comes first!!

Take a break! Been studying for too long? Writing for too long? Your mental health is super low ‘cause of school? Take a break, a mental health day, whatever it is to get yourself rested. You can’t do much if you’re not in the right mindset or burned out.

Get yourself on the right sleep schedule. Teens need about 9 and a half hours, and while that’s unreasonable, at least aim for 8. Set a bed time and a wake up time (I use an app called sleep cycle on my phone). Put away your electronics for at least 30 minutes before bed. Sleep is essential!

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I had a really tough time with this, but you have to accept what happens. You can get upset about failures, but you should ultimately learn from your mistakes and try harder. You are not your grades, they do not define you.

Always carry a water bottle with you. Stay hydrated! Especially carrying a reusable water bottle will help cause it also holds more water than a normal water bottle. Make sure you can have it in your classes, but most of the time you should be alright–it never hurts!

Go on a social media detox once in a while. It’s nice to take a break from Instagram, Snapchat, etc. Sometimes it can get to you and overwhelm you. Just put your phone away or delete your social media apps and take a breath.

Here’s some links on self care.

MISCELLANEOUS

Freshman year is not the be all, end all. but you still need to do well to set up your sophomore year and the years to come. You’ll make mistakes, and that’s okay.

Attend orientation if you can! It’ll help get to know some of your classmates, know where to go in the school, and generally get an introduction to where you’ll be going to school for the next four years!

Grab a map and know your schedule. It’s okay to carry a map/schedule around and “look like a freshman” for a couple days. I’d rather be getting to classes on time than worry about if I look like the new kid on the block. Just know where you need to go, and you’ll get the process down! (Don’t be embarrassed if you accidentally enter the wrong classroom at the wrong time or anything, it happens.)

You don’t have to have everything figured out. Don’t worry about college, what you’re going to major in–you have four (4!!) years ahead of you, and even then you don’t have to have it all determined.

Utilize your counselor! Your counselor is super important, from scheduling to college to anything else. My counselor helped me out immensely by getting me into an art class and moving me out of classes I didn’t like. They’re amazing for advice, too! Don’t be afraid to go into their office from time to time.

If you have an ID, keep it on you at all times. At least at my school, they crack you down if you don’t have an ID around your neck at all times. I’ve seen the fear in my friends’ eyes. Just make sure to immediately put your ID in your backpack after school so that way you won’t forget it at home.

Keep some money on you. $5 to $10 is fine, it’s just in case you forget to pack your lunch or anything so you can either buy yourself lunch or get something from a vending machine! You’ll never know when you need it.

Get a good backpack. You don’t want to die because your bag can’t support two textbooks and some notebooks–make sure to get a quality backpack with good straps and sizable to carry what you need!

Make some playlists for the different aspects of your day. Whether it’s waking up, walking to school/through the hallways, doing homework, writing essays, etc., if you’re the type of person who needs music to get motivated or start working, it helps to have soundtracks for your activities!

Don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on you. You’re not anyone else, you can’t be anyone else, so don’t worry about whether someone’s grade was better or worse than yours. It’s not a good mindset to have.

Good luck! You got this! You’ll be okay. I believe in you.

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-theuntoldstoryofemilyy · 7 years

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Update on my life...Even if no one reads this, its so helpful for me to put all my thoughts in one place and let out everything that has been going on in my head.

I used to write so much when I was little, I would fill journals, and composition notebooks with just writing of whatever was going on in my life. Its weird, cuz in hindsight, that was my outlet- it was my coping mechanism even as a little girl. As i got older, into high school, I took to Tumblr and would write on my blog but I have kind of lost that. I haven’t really been writing and I think it would be really helpful for me to get back into it, its even one of my goals.

Even though its only the third week of the semester, I am still trying to keep up with the goals I made a few weeks ago of going to all my classes and trying to stay on top of things. And so far I have been sticking to my goal. Tonight, I am going to this small group for CHAARG- its a workout group for girls. I think this will help me meet new people and I will be working out! On Thursday evening, after a stat review, I am going to go to a youth group that I used to go to sometimes last year, but then kind of stopped going. I think this will be another positive in my life- just surrounding myself with genuinely kind hearted people.

I feel like I kind of lost myself last semester. I wasn’t productive, I wasn’t moving forward. I put smoking, sleeping, going out, anything but class- before my priorities which should have been class and my grades.

I really love to give people advice and I try to be that all around friend to my friends that they can go out with and have heart-to-hearts with but I’ve just really not been that lately. The majority of my friends have all had pretty strong personalities and had their own identities. With my one friend, it is the complete opposite. She has a very fragile, sensitive personality and its just not what I am used to and I feel myself becoming someone I dont want to be, with her. Everything she does annoys me and gets me angry. I don’t know why I’ve been letting her affect me so much, but she just really has been. And i dont know what to do, because its turning me into this kind of friend that I don’t want to be.

I hate to be that friend that just says “oh that sucks” to a shitty situation but she almost has forced me to be like that because whats the point of me giving her my two cents or my opinion even if she doesnt do anything about it. She’ll say one thing to me then act in a completely different way and its like half the time I dont even know if she really feels that way or if shes just saying something to please me. I think people think that I am so frustrated with her inability to stick up for herself, and yes I think thats part of it, but I think that the uncertainty of what she says and how she tells me something but then will change her opinion depending on who she is around really gets me.

It sucks because she is such a nice girl, too nice sometimes, but its not like I can’t not be friends with her just because she is too nice. That just makes me sound like a crazy psycho bitch, but I just don’t know how to deal with these kinds of personalities- ones that always need to please others, one that changes their opinions based on who they’re around. I really don’t understand that and it frustrates me to no end. I wish someone could tell me why it bothers me so much. I know I should address it with her, but at the same time I know that even if i do, its not going to change anything because thats just who she is and thats her personality. And then I’m left to wonder how things will go if I did tell her- i know they won’t change so then is it even worth me saying something? Its not really like you can criticize a person’s personality.

I really need to tell her at some point, like I don’t want to hear you complain to me about other people or other things in your life, if you aren’t going to do anything about it. I know I am kind of doing the same thing with her, but i just dont even know how to say it because she is so sensitive and such a fragile person, I dont want to hurt her.

I need to just somehow take all that energy and use it towards myself and making myself better. I don’t really know.... I’m just kind of in this funk this week and I think its cuz its my time of the month but not really sure. I just needed to vent and let this all out. I know that this is not a healthy friendship at this point but I don’t know what/how to go about it in a way she won’t see as mean. I know if I do address it with her, shes just going to say sorry and I dont want an apology. I just want her to know that she does that. and she does already know! but like I said obviously in a nicer way but I would wanna say something like “your inability to not stick up for yourself is not what bothers me. Its your constant need to please whoever you are around and the fact that half the time I don’t know if what you’re telling me is really you, or you’re just saying something because you think its what I want to hear. I feel as if everything you do, contradicts what you say. And that frustrates me a lot.” Like i dont even know if there is a nice way to say that lmao but thats how I feel.

Idk. okay, time for me to go to workout club.

#personal

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nandewalters · 7 years

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Journaling

I’m going to try to share a tip every once and a while, because I find reading that reading other people’ s tips really helps me

And something that I’m finding is important to me is journaling. I don't physically put pen to paper, but I do type them up. I use One Note but you can use anything from a physical notebook to a word document.

So I think I started journaling on Janruary 1st 2015, and I tried to journal everday, or at least when I felt a lot.I’ve been consistent and non consistent with daily journaling since then, but to write every day is just worth it in my opinon. Because writing your feelings is an easy way to let them out. Especially if you’re someone who bottles things up, or if you’re someone who doesnt have anyone to vent to. Becasue why fear being judged by another person, when you can say whatever you want to a piece of paper.

And journaling doesnt have to be about bad things or sad things. I think the best thing is to document all of the good and funny things that happened, beacsue rereading it months or years later is fun.

There’s a documentarty called Mortified nation. And it’s a stage show where people read their old diaries in front of a bunch of people. It’s a really funny show, and the trailer is here. But what I learned from this documentary and from keeping diaries, is that childhood is intruiging, and over the years you’ll forget, so to have a document of your old self is both amusing and nostaglic. But you can read it and think about all of things that were so important when you were 14, and realize that decades later, they weren’t that big of a deal.

I’m only 16 but I am very reflective of my life. And after watching these 30-year-olds reading their diary entires of their high school crush or getting mad at their parents, is really funny. So I hope that I can make things like that for my future self to look back on and think, “I turned out just fine.”

#writing #tip

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meowpouch · 7 years

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I’ve been reading a bit about sigils lately. After following a couple of blogs about glyphs and symbols, I believe it would be useful in aiding my day to day life, especially since I have a problem with short term memory. I seem to forget about things often, recently I have misplaced $40 which nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown where I screamed and screamed in the car alone for the first time. I also can’t seem to find my notebook in which I was planning on writing down my plans for college/life...I hope that’s not a bad omen.

It’s actually a bit difficult to learn about sigils though. They are so many of them and I can’t tell what is true or not, although I guess the legitimacy of the creator doesn’t matter as much if I personally believe in it’s magic? I don’t know.

I kind of want to start doing long, drawn out blog posts. I’ve been doing short little blurbs on this blog for a while, it’s a good venting technique and also strangely illuminating when I read back on my past selves, but the problem is that there is so much to write and I can’t be bothered to sit down and collect my thoughts, even if typing is much easier than handwriting in a journal. But it’s hard to be bothered enough. For example, I need to write my tune-jam post (rina has been bugging me oops) and I also really wanted to sit down and catalogue my life for the past week (it’s been crazy with the end of high school) but here I am sitting and writing about sigils out of all things.

I guess I should probably start from where I perceive the beginning of the end began, which would be the Senior Stroll. Oh god, I just looked at the calender and it showed that that was June 1st, almost an entire 2 weeks ago! I can’t believe time has gone by that fast. The stroll itself was not entirely special, but it makes me feel such warmth inside thinking about it. The other schools didn’t hold that much value to me, it was cute to see the elementary schoolers and think that I ever could’ve been so small. It was a bit sad when I saw other people hugging and crying with teachers and no teachers recognized me (except for Mrs. Uhl and a few other middle school teachers). I saw my first grade teacher, Ms. Smith and asked her if she remembered me but her face was completely blank, even as she said she did. I don’t believe her but I appreciate her trying to not hurt my feelings. John Michael and I bonded on the bus though, it was almost like old times. I remember hanging out with him, Cullen, and Luke at New Garden and genuinely having so much fun.

But it was on the Greenwood playground where everything erupted into chaos. It’s mostly a blur, all I remember is that I was ‘leading’ the group with the rest of the Greenwood kids and then Michael opening the door to the playground... Then all I remember is the wind in my face while I was one of a few people (michael, jenny?) sprinting to the playground and going up and down the White Slide, SO reminiscent of elementary school! After that it was just gowns and four-square and swinging and laughing and general happiness! As we gathered up to leave, an ICONIC moment occurred when my principal (Daddy Hritz) went down the white slide! Man, I wish I got that on video. Greenwood is truly a cult.

I guess the next big moment after that would be the Senior Dinner Dance? It wasn’t super exciting, the Senior Video sucked and the carpool karaoke was wayyy too long but I thought that I looked cute and witchy in my 70s glitter bell-sleeve dress. One cute thing that happened was towards the end of the dance when they played the traditional Vitamin C - Friends Forever song and our grade naturally formed a big circle and swayed back and forth with our arms around one another. It’s almost everything I have ever wanted from a teen high school movie.

#personal

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jacobthespaceguy · 5 years

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The Time Is Here

You may have noticed I haven't written a blog entry in about 11 months. Did you think I left Tumblr? Nope, I never did and I never forgot about this. In this age of social media, I'm always posting somewhere and it's hard to find a topic that's good enough to deserve a blog post. I try to do these rarely for a reason. What I think is really cool about the current theme I use for this blog (hopefully you're reading this on the notebook theme I have on) is that it looks like I'm actually writing in an aesthetically pleasing journal.

I have to come out and say that life after high school has been pretty strange. Since my last post, I graduated high school, Cinematic by Owl City came out, Spider-Man PS4 came out, I got a drivers license, started working at Target, got a car, Red Dead Redemption 2 came out, met my new best friend, got let go from Target and then got a new job in a grocery store. I'm still waiting to get a tech assistant position in refrigeration but there's no word on that still. It'll suck either or because a nicer job would, in theory, mean better paychecks and getting ahead in life. However, I'll have less time to work on music and make YouTube videos and other projects I want to pursue. I'm currently working on an 8 track EP that should be announced soon and I'm really excited to do so. I want to talk about it more but I plan to make that it's own blog post when the time comes.

I've also been stressing out a bit about money lately because they're plans of myself packing up and moving out from my parents home. It's not that I'm in a hurry to leave or anything. You see, my friend is here from Flordia and is currently living with 3 roommates that are often from out of state. Their lease is up in August and all of my friend's roommates are moving out after that and my friend won't have anywhere else to do. He has no family here and as you may know, living in California is too expensive to live on your own. So my friend would need a new roommate or two to live there and help pay rent. I also have a good friend in high school who is currently living on friends living room floor and doesn't have anywhere else to go either. He's being kicked out at the place he's at soon but I believe he has somewhere to go. Although, that place is obviously somewhere he can't stay at forever so he'll need a place to live meaning he would be moving in with us as well. With the money I make now, moving out is literally impossible. I was supposed to be moving onto a real career by now but that obviously hasn't happened yet. I'm saving a little bit of money here and there into a savings account, but I'll have nowhere near enough to help me move out much. I want a nice rainy day fund in case something were to happen. My main concern is my car because it was 3,000$ and had 92K miles when I bought it. It's a pretty decent car. However, it may last me 2-5 more years... or it could last me 2-5 months. Even smaller things like needing tires or batteries would be a nice hit to my savings account. I also forget that I'm currently living at home with next to no bills and still freak out whenever I spend money.

For now, I'm trying my best not to worry about it because I can't really do anything until I get a better job. I just don't want to let down my friends and possibly watch both of my best friends move away. I care about them deeply and would love to live with them. It would be really cool to live on my own in general.

Hope you enjoyed my vent. If ever have any questions, I'm on Twitter... obviously. Don't worry, you won't have to wait too long for another post. I'll be posting soon again whenever the EP gets announced and I get to explain some things I've been wanting to talk about. - Jacob McDonnell

#blog #venting #stress #money #excited #Late Night Apartment Lights

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itsjayyyy · 5 years

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March 20, 2019 8:30 am

Alright I’m in a much better state of mind now. It’s been an astronomically long time since I’ve given an actual update on my life, not just venting. wow, just checked back at my last few updates and i really haven’t written almost anything about this semester, but So Much has happened.

okay so first of all: i switched majors. again. so I’ve done a lot of reflecting, about my whole plan for life. social work seemed like a good field for me because I want to help people, right? but in cps, you’re not always working with people to help them, a lot of the time is spent working /against/ your client to help their kids, who are often too young to understand what’s going on. You’re basically always fighting; a lot of posts on the social work subreddit are all about how to deal with clients who are uncooperative, or yell at you, etc. I want to state that mom is wrong when she says I’m “terrible with people,” I’m actually quite easy to get along with as long as you don’t purposefully seek to offend. But I am terrible with people who try to kick up shit all the time. I mean, I can barely handle dealing with an annoyed guest at starbucks, how am I supposed to spend the rest of my career dealing with that times, like, 100? And yeah, I know I always say that I can totally live on a small income, but man I sure do love the security of having a nice savings account. And donating to online charities is practically a hobby of mine, so having a big income would make it a lot easier for me to live the life of that rich person who pays off 100 gofundme’s for medical costs every month.

And I’ve come to realize that the atmosphere of a class matters more than anything in terms of how well I’ll do. Not to sound arrogant, but I’m smart enough that I can pass any class that I try, I just need to put in effort. And effort comes a lot easier with a good atmosphere. The reason why I failed comp sci the first time was because the class had no interaction whatsoever. I mean, it was online and over the summer, and the professor gave us weekly emails telling us what assignments were due that week but he stopped doing that halfway through the semester so I just forgot about the class tbh. I felt so disconnected. And frankly, I’ve felt that way about stem since high school when I was the only girl and was always singled out because of it. That just made me go into college with a negative mindset. Even retaking comp sci was only originally for some stupid grade forgiveness so I could keep my scholarship. But this semester is just...different. My professor is just so lively, in a way that I’ve never had a stem class be. He starts off every class with “good evening everyone, it’s another day in paradise here at ucf in orlando, florida” (and sometimes he adds on “and some day you all will realize that” which tbh sounds kind of like an ominous threat to me) and throughout the class he’s always joking around, we can ask questions in class through his own website, we have a discord group to talk about the assignments that the TA is also in (and he shared pics of his dog once), all that stuff. Our professor also tells us about all the other resources we have, like supplementary instruction, tutoring (somehow those are two separate things), “the cave” (which is a room i think in HEC that is just generally inhabited by random comp sci students who hang out and can help with assignments), office hours not only for him but also his 2 TA’s. I’ve never been to any of those physical places but it’s nice knowing that I have a support system.

I know it’s the atmosphere and not just me trying to work harder, too, because I really walked into that class at the start of the semester already hating it. I gave it the last section of my 5-subject notebook specifically for how little I cared about it. (To me, calc was my priority. And yet I’m coasting by in comp sci with a 99 and a 100 on the first two exams (class averages being 72 and 68 respectively), while the same stale, disconnected atmosphere of calc has earned me a 52.) Last semester I ended with a 47% (written in as a D though, not sure if that’s because my professor wanted to give me mercy or if it’s because he wanted the pay raise associated with having your students pass). Comp sci just became a fun subject again. Coding really is my favorite thing.

The final push was a post I saw on the social work subreddit. It was about a case manager (what I wanted to go into) who had done a home visit and was unable to hide her disgust of having roaches crawling near her. I absolutely cannot. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I realized I needed a sanitized office to work in. Before I made the official change, I talked to my coworker shayna about it, because she’s 26 and currently in her last semester of her AA, and next semester she’s hoping to transfer to ucf to get her bachelor’s. She said it is kinda stressful to take so long to get a degree, but as long as you get it, it’s okay. I know that now that I’ve wasted 2 years, I’m probably gonna graduate a semester late, but it’s okay because iris did too. And rose has been at valencia for 4 years and she’s still working on her 2 year degree so...

Wow that took a lot of words to say. Back to how my classes are going: I did the math, and I would need to get an 80 on all 3 of my remaining calc exams to get a C overall. Yeah I’m kinda pissed at myself for figuring out I like comp sci in the middle of the semester, when i already got an F on the first 2 exams. Before, my mentality was “I’m just taking this class for grade forgiveness, I can literally get a D and raise my gpa, and then I’m never going back to stem,” but now that I’m back in stem I need to get a C or better. I mean, I could get a D and then retake the class, but the college of engineering only allows for 3 tries on a class so I would really be on my last attempt before I’m completely kicked out and have to find a new major, wasting even more of my time. I know I would absolutely kill it on the third attempt, but man I sure am gonna hate myself for letting it get to that. It’s not an issue of “the material is too hard for me,” but rather “i didn’t care when I really should have.” I never studied for the first 2 exams and got over half of it right on both, imagine what I could do if i did study. Anyways, 80 sounds manageable, right? I mean, it’s the low end of a B. But this class is cumulative, to in order to do well on the next exam which is literally next week, I have to study literally the entire course instead of just these last few units. AND I need to go even farther back and study trig, since I never took a formal class on it and that’s why I failed calc the first time. It’s been 4 years since I looked at the unit circle.

I’m trying to cut back on how much time I spend on my phone. I really think that’s the biggest detriment to me, that I always feel the need to look at it. Definitely using the forest app more often. All the time I spend cycling between the 3 social media apps I use, where I just look at the same posts over and over again every day, could be better spent studying or doing something else productive.

In comp 2, we’re doing a semester-long individual research project about anything rhetoric-based. It has to be multimodal, eg not just “what’s the symbolism in this classic novel” but rather about society and media. A lot of people chose stuff like “how do women’s magazines push certain beauty standards” or “how is greek life (sororities, not the country) portrayed in american media and is it really accurate,” but because the professor stated that we should be “creating new knowledge and building upon an academic conversation,” I tried to come up with something that nobody had done yet: I chose “what are the motivations of the incel community?” And yeah, it’s so unique that when we had to do a literature review of what other scholars have already said about the subject, there were literally no academic journals on it. My literature review is just about the layout of a subreddit’s community and how the members interact (which has been discussed before), and from there I’m going to apply that to the incel community. I’ve done “research” by reading through their posts. Wow I just tried to ctrl+f this blog for “incel” and only one instance came up, from like november last year. It’s crazy, this has been kind of a big deal for me this semester. You know all those self-hating posts about my appearance recently? Well, I walked into this project thinking “man incels are stupid they just need to stop being entitled and care about their appearance a little and maybe then they could get a girl” but as I read through the posts I realized I was wrong. A lot of these men have issues that can’t be easily fixed, like being short, balding too young, just general bad face structure, and because of that people would instantly judge them. One guy even talked about how he had cerebral palsy and needs to walk with a cane, and his super handsome brother’s girlfriend was super patronizing to him. Frankly, a lot of their posts spoke to me. I mean, before I had braces I had a really recessed chin and while everyone said “oh I didn’t even notice,” you could tell that it made me less attractive and hence why nobody has ever asked me out. Not saying it’s the only cause, but you’d be lying if you said looks didn’t matter. Especially the posts about being considered uglier than their siblings, that really hit home for me. it’s like, I see their pain and I know how badly it hurts, but at the same time as a woman I’m obviously going to disagree with their response. When women were given harsh beauty standards, we took two routes: either try to improve artificially (makeup and plastic surgery), or work to dismantle it (body positivity movement). Men, who have always been a little entitled, just blame others. I feel like if incels started an actual body positivity movement for men, we could really go somewhere.

Damn, its been so long since my last genuine update that frankly I’m not sure where to go from here. Like so much has happened and I can’t really pick out anything that seems particularly noteworthy after 3 months. I think I’m gonna end this update here, then, and just promise to give more frequent updates from now on so I can go into more detail. Today I’m going to write an email for the future (like i try to a few times a year) to rehash the whole major change (since my last letter was all about how i just switched to social work), then do the comp homework, then study for calc I guess.

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hope-whispers · 5 years

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Maybe I should hand write this, but I don’t think I can get it out fast enough.

I’ve been watching too many monthly vlog diaries. Maybe I haven’t been watching enough.

There might be a lease in my mailbox right now. I might have a panic attack when I go to the post office to send it back. I might have a panic attack from now until I’m completely moved in.

To some town in IL. I don’t even know if it’s a real place. Not truly. Not personally.

Jesus fucking Christ.

The Methodist Church upheld the traditional plan.

I’m afraid the election was rigged. I’m more afraid it wasn’t.

I’m afraid of never moving anywhere further than this point in my life. I’m just as afraid of the day when I inevitably do.

My manager asked what my long term plans were and was disappointed but happy for me when she found out I’d been approved for an apartment. It was so easy. The last time I did this, my manager was pissed.

The store I used to work out went out of business and is now a different store, still owned by the same company. Probably still selling all the same overpriced shit.

Me too, now that I think about it.

I’m relating too much to people I don’t even know. I’m feeling too nostalgic for things I’ve never had. I’m everything, too much. I almost miss when I was nothing at all.

I’m twenty-two and even with every life lesson I know I’ve learned, I still have to sit here and be reminded of how much everything hasn’t changed. Because my past still haunts me and my future still scares me and my present is still, always, too much for me to truly hold on to. Even when, really, it’s nothing much at all.

I’m worried that only one thing will ever really make me feel alive. That the only solution I can manage is truly awful. And I’m worried that even that is losing its effect.

I’m afraid that living alone has broken me, and when I have to again, I won’t know how to be a roommate or a friend or a person.

I’m worried I have anger issues. I’m worried it’s just because I haven’t vented to someone in months. I’m worried one day I’ll let it all go and lose everything around me. I’m worried that I don’t really care.

I’m worried I have depression again. I’m worried it never went away. I’m worried it never existed at all.

I’m afraid I’ll never actually have a group of friends again. I’m afraid I’ll always be in the middle of people who don’t quite get along. I’m afraid that no one is good at keeping in touch and we’ll all just generally drift apart. I’m afraid that, every single time, the common thread is me.

Once while getting to know each other two other people and I asked, what’s something you would ask about people you just met if it was socially acceptable? My answer was that I wanted to hear about the lowest they’ve ever been. Not just because it’s nice to know I’m not alone—although that’s definitely part of it—but because, maybe if I hear about how fucked up they’ve been, I’ll feel a little less out of place next to them.

I’m afraid that I’ve romanticized last year in my head, just in response to how bad this year has been. And once I’m out of this situation I’ll expect everything to fix itself. I’m afraid nothing will ever be fixed, no matter what I do.

I’m afraid I won’t find a job. I’m afraid I won’t even try. I’m afraid I’ll never get to New York and I’m afraid that I might and I’m afraid that one day I won’t even want to anymore.

I’m terrified that one day I’ll wake up and decide my dream just isn’t worth pursuing anymore.

I’m afraid of settling.

I’m afraid of being alone.

I’m afraid of being stuck.

I’m afraid of giving up.

I’m afraid of going on.

Somehow, in the mess of things, I’ve become afraid of being seen.

I’m afraid of going back to who I once was, which is another way of saying I’m afraid that I’ve never really grown at all.

I’m afraid of my parents dying, because somehow that’s become a worry the past few months.

I’m afraid I’ll never be close to any of my family, but I also don’t think I really care. I’ll just, you know, get really sad about it once a month and move on.

I’m afraid of getting married and of never meeting someone.

What if one day I wake up and I’ve been left behind by everyone? What if one day I’m the one who leaves everyone behind?

I think I’m losing my ability to talk to people, and it’s not even like I had much talent there to begin with.

I forget to reach out and I forget to respond and I forget that I still exist in other people’s lives when they’re not actively speaking to me. I’ve almost come to believe that once I step into my apartment I step out of the world. There are times when I have to shake myself awake and remember that things are still happening, even when I don’t have the energy to participate. And I never have the energy to participate. Or maybe I just don’t have the motivation. Either way, people text me or call me and I have to remind myself that I don’t just blink out of existence whenever I collapse into my apartment.

I get anxious climbing the stairs to check the mail. I flinch whenever my phone lights up with someone’s name. I dread going to visit people because what if they look at me and see the dishes piling up and the laundry I haven’t done and the way I haven’t cooked a good meal in weeks. Or worse, what if they don’t see any of that, and they don’t see all the guards I’ve felt myself putting up over the past six months, and both of us just continue on like everything is and always has been fine.

I feel like I’ve been miming for help because I have no voice and no actual words to say something as simple as “hey, I’m not okay.” Because for all I know, this is my okay. This is my standard for the rest of my life. And there are so many times when my voice won’t actually work because I don’t really want to be heard, anyway. I certainly don’t want to be ignored. So maybe it’s easier to reach out when I’m alone, and that way no one has to know how bad things have gotten. Because if they haven’t noticed in general, maybe I really am fine and I can just keep going like this.

Maybe it’s only hard because I’m not trying.

None of this makes sense I just. I was happy last week. I was still exhausted by work and I was still nervous about the future and I was still stressed by the things life has thrown at me in the past year or so, but I felt like I was going somewhere. I felt like I was resurfacing. But the thing is, I didn’t even know I was under the surface to begin with. Like, fuck, I knew I wasn’t doing great. But I didn’t think I was so fucking miserable. But I was, and now I am again. So a couple of days of feeling lighter is more like a slap to the face when really, nothing’s changed. I just now remember what it feels like to not be…this.

And it just seems like all the good things I’ve done don’t really exist. I made a resolution to teach myself to draw, and I’m doing it. I have pages and pages of sketches and drawings and I’m proud of them. And I think I’m getting better. And it’s fun, and it feels good. But as soon as I walk away from that notebook, it doesn’t matter. I can pull up the art blog I made and it always makes me smile, no matter how many times I’ve seen every post. But as soon as I open a different tab that feeling vanishes.

I’m keeping a journal and it helps. I can sit on my kitchen floor while dinner’s cooking and listen to music and pour all these thoughts out of my head and it’s nice and it’s cathartic and at the end I can feel this weight lifted from me. But those thoughts come back in, or other thoughts do, and I know one day I’m going to reread it all and see my handwriting become illegible as I try to get rid of all these horrible thoughts that are making me miserable. And maybe when I reread it those things won’t bother me anymore. But something else will. And always, just like now, I’ll still have all this bullshit from the past that jumps back up and screams at me that nothing has ever been as alright as I think it is.

Or maybe it has been, and it’s just a bad mental state now that’s making everything feel awful. But even if I wake up tomorrow and feel better, I know I’m going to feel bad again. Even when this passes, something else will come up. And maybe I’ll have a support system then, and maybe I’ll be on antidepressants or seeing a therapist, and maybe I’ll be further along in some sort of career, and maybe I won’t feel so fucking alone. But maybe I will. And maybe I’m just scrambling through every bad phase and enduring every low period for nothing, because maybe one day it’ll hit me at just the wrong time in just the wrong way and that’ll be it. Because fuck, I’ve been suicidal again in the past year. I thought for so long that totaling my truck was it. I had that low point. I experienced that blinding, screeching hysteria, and it was terrifying. I still remember perfectly what it felt like spinning off the road and thinking this is it, all these years and I’ve finally done it. Yes, I had that cliché of ‘oh fuck, I didn’t mean it, I don’t want to die.’ But I guess that only holds you off for so long, because here I am again, in that same mental state that led me to drive too fast on a slippery road, or to go walking in the middle of a busy street at 3am.

And I don’t know what to do because of course I wasn’t naïve enough to think I was truly past this. But I did think I’d made progress. I get that recovery is a process and I’m too young to really have a normal to get back to. But I’m falling. I’m slipping further down and I don’t even have a good work ethic or productivity to hold it off anymore. Everything good about myself is disappearing. I’m not there for people I should be there for. I’m clinging to my selfish impulses instead of trying my best to be a good person. I’m judgmental and snarky and I’m losing hope in every cause I’ve ever believed in. The first time I was seriously depressed, it was my senior year of high school and I wanted to burn my entire life down and just start over. Now, I want to burn it all down again, but I don’t want to start over. There is no starting over. I can ghost my entire life and run away—I even have the means to do so, at least for a little while—but I’m just going to run into the same problems anywhere else. Or, more likely, I’m going to hole myself up the same way in a different place and I’ll die alone, only a bit sooner than I imagined. Maybe my biggest fear is that I could run away and, after a month or two, no one would be trying to find me.

I’m posting this to tumblr, probably with parts edited out, because even after all this time and all my desire to fight the stigma, there are parts of my mental health I’ve never told some of the people closest to me.

Who am I kidding. I’ve known it’s been bad for months. I guess I just didn’t feel it getting worse. And god, it’s gotten so much worse. And I’ve gone from fully blaming myself to fully blaming other people to thinking that it’s probably some combination. But maybe I’m still the most at fault because I let these things happen, and I let myself go quiet and hide away instead of reaching out to my friends or facing any of my problems. But how do you even face your problems if the biggest problem is just…where you are? And with a lease and a job that gives me actual financial stability and parents who can be disillusioned but are still wonderful—I mean, what am I supposed to do? And how am I supposed to remake myself into a better person when I can’t even find the good parts of me anymore?

And maybe the best thing to do is shut it all down and take a deep breath and build it back up again. Quit social media and only open my laptop for writing or paying bills. And I should open the windows more and go on more walks and spend a little more money to buy stuff to make real food, because I can actually afford it. And I should write to people more or even just call them. But the thing is, the biggest reason I’m not doing all that stuff now is because I’m clinging to the alternative for support. I should stop spending five hours a day watching youtube videos, but most days that’s the only good thing I do. I should stop scrolling obsessively through tumblr and twitter and instagram but sometimes I see nice things or things from my favorite celebrities, and even if I don’t then reading other people’s thoughts helps push back my own for a little bit longer. And yeah, fucking hell I need more sunlight and real food and human interaction. But I feel like I’m using every bit of energy I have just to drag myself to work and back. And anyway, I feel like people would just be disappointed in me if they saw me too often.

So, I have no solution. I have no good thoughts to end this on. I don’t even want to end it, because at least writing it down gives me something to do. And trying to actually put this into words at least funnels it into something that isn’t so overwhelming. But as soon as I stop, it’ll still be there. I’ll read it back, tonight or tomorrow or five years from now, and it’ll still fucking hurt. Because that’s just it. It hurts, and it hasn’t stopped hurting. It’s just kept hurting worse and worse for the last 6 years, and even during those days or weeks or even months when it feels like it’s going away, it’s really just numb for a little bit, and it’s just sitting there and brewing and growing until the next time when I get to feel it again. And I know there will be better days, and I know I’ve survived everything so far. I’m the one who always picks myself up and I’ve gotten good at it. But my life has also gotten so good at throwing worse and worse stuff at me, so what happens when I can’t pick myself up? What happens when I still can, but I just don’t want to anymore?

#trigger warnings out the wazoo i'm just saying

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