So, if you don’t know about me, I live in a country with the craziest culture, ever. Craziest in a bad way. Corruption is tradition.
Right now, none of us (but our “king” and people in the government) are vaccinated with good COVID vaccines. The government brought in Sinovac, which is known to cause strokes in multiple cases and is not so effective, instead of Pfizer or Moderna, even though the latter are cheaper. Why? Because they can’t corrupt and put our taxes into their own pockets. They give zero fucks about their people, and when we protest, they shoot us. We are now in lockdown for the second time, and I feel like this goddamn government is taking away my teenager/young adult life.
I have a potential to move as a skilled worker elsewhere, but after researching, everything feels difficult and hopeless. And I am left with the thought that I have to live in this fucking country forever.
I feel hopeless. I have had anxiety disorders and depression for 2 years, along with mild PTSD. I cut myself sometimes for self harm, and have been attempting and planning suicide for the 2 previous years. I don’t see my future. I don’t see the point of living. I know other people love me and I’m worth something. I used to be able to cope with this by thinking,
“If I don’t have a purpose to live for myself, at least I can live for other people. They don’t want me gone because they love me, and if I’m gone, they are going to be heartbroken.”
But that just helped me for a little while. For a month. Before I just feel like, but why do I have to please other people that much? I know I have to find a purpose to live for myself, but living in this goddamn country, I see no future. Or even if I move to another country, am I going to actually be happier? Is moving really the answer?
I try to find little goals in life, like decorating my room to make it nicer, save up to afford designer bags, finishing a game, but that just distracts me from the big problem I am having.
I look forward and all I see is darkness. I know I have gotten job offers that some people can only dream about. I know I’m able to earn more than most people despite not being graduated yet. I know I am able to afford designer bags from just my income and not my parent’s. And I can also buy my mom designer bags from my own income. But that just doesn’t add any meaning to life. Well, owning designer bags does make me happy, but what’s next? What’s the purpose of living after all?
And, someone broke my heart into a million pieces 2 years ago. This, to be honest, contributed to my mental disorders. Sounds stupid. Yeah, I’m stupid and I’m a loser, not being able to get over just a heartbreak.
All I need is a hug. But hugging is not in our culture. Talking it out helps, but as humans, we need physical contact. I have friends to listen to, but I have no shoulder to cry on, and no one to hug on my darkest nights.
It’s hard to live just for only a day. And it repeats for the day after, and the day after, and so on. I have called the US national suicide hotline multiple times because the hotline is so useless in my country.
I need help. My country needs help. I don’t know when I will commit suicide. You know, I have been planning for a long time and attempting it multiple times, but I’m just scared that I’d get hurt. Right now I already feel like if hell is real, it is better than how my life is going on right now, and I don’t see me life getting better.
There was a line in a comic which I’ll never bother to read. But basically, this lady says to Eddie, “they underestimate you... that’s your armor.” And really? Yes. Eddie being underestimated IS his armor. Ppl talk about that with Harley, but?? It definitely applies to Eddie, as well!! Eddie is ALWAYS underestimated in some ways. As I was talking about yesterday; Eddie’s intelligence is often underestimated. Some people think he’s just a madman, and not actually that smart. Eddie’s appearance will cause people to underestimate him because he’s just some underweight guy who can’t fight, what can he do? I also like to headcanon that because of his drug addiction, many will also disregard him -- thinking he’s just a drugged up lowlife.
But this guy? He’s capable of A LOT. His brain is truly powerful; If he wanted to, he REALLY could take over G0tham, he’s VERY good at manipulating others and can get them to do his bidding. Eddie has successfully murdered some of G0tham’s authority, along with quite a few GCPD.
I think it was in the Ark games where Bat or another character mentioned just what Eddie would be capable of had he not been so ill. And it’s true, Ed’s mental illnesses are severe and untreated. Like most mental illnesses, they get in the way of his living and functioning. Therefore, Eddie really is held back, simply because he won’t get any mental help.
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