#i normally do a lot better but there are a lot of factors involved this time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

morwap · 11 months

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𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐀 𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍, 𝐀 𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐘 𝐍𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐊𝐈𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐍.

regulus black x fem!reader x evan rosier

smut

nav • r.a.b m.list • e.r m.list • poly!revan

sub!regulus, dom!evan, switch!reader, threesome, evan and reg are in the same year as the marauders, praise and degrading, oral m! & f!receiving, p in v, unprotected sex,

───────✧ 𓆩♡𓆪 ✧───────

evan rosier and regulus black.

the two names that have seemed to never leave your brain since the beginning of 8th year. two people you were never supposed to get involved with nor did you think youd ever even talk to without it being harsh words or hex’s but here you were having feelings for and relations with them.

evans dirty blonde curls and regulus’ grey eyes never seemed to leave your mind just like your frame and scent never left theirs, but at least they could express their feelings and needs with each other and you were stuck with inner monologues and your hand to satisfy yourself til the right time came.

one thing you all had in common was your friends hating the other person. evan had gotten more irritable and his patience was wearing thin when Mulciber or barty talked about you and regulus had to stop evan from lashing out at them and starting something that would be hell to finish, it was almost the same with your friends, james’ passive aggressive comments about regulus made you want to put him in his place but you refrained and remus and peter’s comments on evan made your blood boil as they talked shit about something they actually had no idea about.

sirius was a big factor, you knew hed be hurt if he found out you were fucking his brother and his brothers best friend behind his back but you never meant to get tangled up in regulus’ and evans web. the more you thought about it a lot of your friends would be disappointed so maybe that should’ve told you to cut it off after the first time but it was like a drug, the more you tried to stay away the more your want and need for it grew and eventually you gave in.

your bracelet vibrated once more, it was a gift from both of them to help make communicating better.

the three of you finally met up in the prefect bathroom durning dinner one night, regulus happily told you that him and evan were staying an extra day before going home for the break and that you should try so you all could spend time together before leaving.

and now here you were, almost everyone was gone for winter break and you were one of the few gryffindors left but there was just one problem, remus, remus fucking lupin had also decided to stay an extra day because he had been helping ms pince in the library. knowing remus he had the map, and would defiantly check it he if thought you were acting weird.

watching remus from your seat next to the fire, waiting for him to say he was gonna nap or walk around or go to the library, hoping and praying that he would say something like that so you could leave and get to evan and regulus’ dorm as fast as you could. your bracelet buzzed against your skin once more, you already knew which one was trying to give you the green light as to come to them.

normally it was evan, who only buzzed it once and then a second time if you were really really late; but today it was regulus, the constant buzzing at random times indicated that. you’d tease him about it since it seemed as if he couldn’t wait, you could imagine him mumbling the spell on the bracelet they had and waiting for you to show up at the speed of light and then doing it over and over when you were taking your time to get there.

jumping a little when remus coughed and got up and stretched. “i gotta go to the library, wanna meet up and walk to dinner together later?” remus asked, grabbing his wand and book then fixing his shirt while waiting for you to answer.

you nodded, “yeah ill come up to the library so you dont have to walk all the way over to get me” you said and smiled at him. remus nodded and left the common room.

muttering the spell towards the bracelet to let them know you were on your way. waiting a bit so you knew remus was far away before leaving the common room.

the bracelet buzzing again, making you smile and think about how to tease regulus about it in a bit. turning the corner as you kept looking around for any other people but luckily there was no one around.

evan was waiting for you beside slytherin common room, you watched him play with his sleeve before he looked up and saw you.

crossing his arms with a smile on his face as you got closer then reaching out and pulling you to him.

lips already going at each other and hands roaming and gripping at clothing and skin, hungry and needy for each other from being away for so long. the amount of glances and fantasizing while looking at the other person was gone and replaced with what you both desired, the real fucking thing.

pulling away to catch your breath, hands rubbing against his chest as your back was now up against the cold stone.

“you have no idea how much we missed you” evan whispered, his lips coming back to yours for a quick kiss before pulling away and resting his forehead against yours.

“i think i know by how many times hes buzzed me” you quipped, and evan instantly laughed and shook his head.

“i told him to quit, that you’d be here when you’d get here but hes basically cumming in his pants at anything that has to do with you” evan said, the happy tone in his voice made your heart flutter. you giggled and mumbled the spell to the bracelet, sending two buzzes to let him know you were and it buzzed back almost instantly which made you and evan bust out laughing.

“well, lets not leave him waiting” you laughed and took evans hand, pulling him towards the common room door. evan said the password and looked around to see if the common room had anyone in it, luckily no one was in there.

evan guided you to their dorm, all their dorm mates were gone leaving it the perfect spot.

regulus’ leg bounced up and down, he was excited to see you and get off since evan had been denying him since the night they found out they were staying too, no matter how hard regulus begged for evan to touch him or if he wanted to touch himself the answer was “no, you’ll thank me later” and regulus knew he probably would.

evan snuck you into the room, making sure no one would see you in case they just showed up out of nowhere. regulus jumped up when he heard the door click open. a smile coming onto his face almost instantly.

seeing them used to be awkward but now it was just like hanging out with your friends but so much more intimate, you wished you could be around them all the time which is crazy now since almost a year ago you didn’t like them and they did not like you.

the transition from seeing you again to already getting intimate was smooth and quick, it didn't feel forced like you were just there to have sex with them and then leave, it was loving and like you all had come home from a date together.

you sat on the side of evans bed, regulus was on his knees taking your pajama bottoms off, you could see his hard on in his pants.

“reggie you’re already hard, we’ve barely even started” you teased, regulus whined a bit at you pointing it out, he was aching, had been since he knew today was the day you were coming.

“told you he was practically cumming in his pants” evan quipped as he unbuttoned his shirt.

“I wouldn't be if you had let me cum” regulus snapped back, making evan laugh. you smiled then pouted at regulus.

“he’s so mean isn’t he, i’ll make sure you cum tonight baby” you said to him as you took the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and off him. regulus had scars, not at many as sirius and definitely not as many as remus. he told you about them once, one day on the astronomy tower late into the night.

“thank you” regulus mumbled and side eyed evan. you took off your shirt and looked at evan, he was undoing his pants.

“how about you show her how thankful you really are” evan said with a smirk, regulus looked up at you.

“can i?” he asked, you nodded your head and regulus’ hands went to your panties and pulled them down quickly.

“good boy” evan praises him, your hand went to evans cock which was covered by his boxers. regulus kissed your thighs a few times before licking your slit.

regulus moved your leg over his shoulder, his tongue getting faster as you were getting more turned on. evan leaned down to kiss you, his hand going to your jaw.

you moaned as evan kissed you, regulus’ tongue was lapping at your clit quickly. evans grip on your jaw held you where he wanted you, you continued to touch evans cock.

you pulled down his boxers, he was as hard as regulus now, you broke the kiss and brought your hand to your mouth and spit before stroking his cock.

evan groaned and rolled his head back, you focused on his tip then started stroking him from his base to his tip over and over.

regulus pressed kisses on your clit before sucking then moving down to your entrance. he spread you apart with his fingers, his cock straining in his boxers made him think about touching himself but he wanted to be good for both of you.

“you’re doing so good reggie” you moaned, evan grinned and watched regulus.

a few minutes later you were struggling to keep your hand going, you were so close to cumming, evan knew it and so did regulus, reggie was going faster.

“i think that's enough reg, i think its her turn to make you feel good” evan said, regulus whined and pulled away from you.

regulus leaned up and locked your lips with his, evan started moving his hips while you kept stroking him. regulus pushed himself against his boxers, he was trying so hard to be good.

evan watched you two, his hand moving down to yours, he guided you— making your touches on him more firm. your other hand snaked down into regulus’ boxers and once he felt your soft hand grasping his cock his body shivered and pushed into you.

you could hear evan laugh softly. you smiled as you teased regulus, making him shudder and break the kiss multiple times.

regulus broke the kiss and rested his forehead on your shoulder.

“please—please, keep touching me— i'm almost there” regulus begged, his eyes were closed tightly and he pressed more into you.

you glanced at evan, silently asking for permission.

evan grabbed regulus by his hair gently, pulling his head back to look at him.

“why would you want to cum in her hand when i was gonna let you cum in her” evan asked, cocking his head slightly and furrowing his brows. you stopped touching regulus, pulling your hand out of his boxers.

“what do you wanna do reggie?” you asked him, placing a kiss on his neck.

regulus lets out a sigh, “i wanna cum in you” he says with a nod.

evan let go of regulus’ hair, your hand dropped from evan as he took a step back and walked to the other side of the bed.

“lay down regulus” he commanded, regulus moved from you and got onto the bed, you turned to watch them.

evan guided regulus onto his back, moving his head to hang off the edge of the bed a bit. your hand moved to regulus’ thigh, rubbing up and down and inching closer to his boxers.

you moved closer to regulus, now hooking your fingers on his waist band.

“you remember don’t you? tap my thigh three times for me to stop” evan reminded him, regulus nodded and hummed in agreement, you and regulus made eye contact as you pulled his boxers down to his mid thigh.

“i love you” you mouthed to him, his face went a bit red before he mouthed it back.

evan smiled as you moved to straddle regulus. he leaned towards you, locking your lips with his for a few moments.

he pulled back, “are you ready?” he whispered softly.

“more than ready” you said, pressing one last kiss on his lips before sinking down onto regulus’ cock.

a sigh came from both of you, you hadn’t had him in so long and it just feels so right. regulus was covered in goosebumps, the feeling of you around him felt so good.

evan tapped regulus’ mouth with his cock. “open your mouth baby” he instructed. evan’s cock glided into regulus’ mouth smoothly, regulus was basically trained to take evan, you three just started and regulus was practically deep throating him.

regulus’ eyes closed and he moved one hand to evan’s thigh and the other to yours. you could see the outline of evan’s cock in regulus’ throat which made you wetter. you started moving your body up and down, trying to find the right spot where your clit would make contact with his pubic area.

“you’re doing so good reggie, being so good for us” you praised, your hand rested on his ribs and the other on the bed. evan could feel regulus whimper, the vibrations took some air from him.

“he really liked that” evan groaned out as he fucked regulus’ mouth faster. you could hear noises coming from regulus as he took evans cock, his nails digging into the skin of your thigh.

you threw your head back as you found the right spot, your clit dragging on his skin and his cock hitting your sweet spot. evan watched you, he missed you so much and was so relieved there was time for you three to be together, he didn’t care if you three just sat in silence, he just wanted to be with you and regulus.

“you’re so pretty darling” evan moaned, his hand grasping your neck gently, you smiled at him and leaned closer to him. your head was still a little tilted back and evan bent to meet you halfway. a sloppy kiss broke out between you two, you tried to keep up but with the friction on your clit it was getting harder to keep a clear head.

evan kept his thrusts at a good pace with a few stops in between so regulus could get a breath, he could feel every moan and whimper regulus produced.

you pulled at evans lip with your teeth teasingly.

“i love you” you whispered into the kiss and evan moaned it back.

you gasped when you felt regulus cum inside you, painting your insides with his cum. your cunt basically milked him, it started to run down out of you and onto the part of his shaft that was exposed and down his balls.

reggie was trembling, you could feel it. Now the knot in your stomach was getting tighter, regulus’ hand was gripping your thigh harsher.

you muttered cuss words as you tried to chase your climax, you were close, so close you could feel the beginning of it. you twisted the bed sheets in your fist as you tried to keep the friction on your sensitive clit up.

evan pressed his lips to your forehead, you watched evan’s dick move in regulus’ throat. you knew you were probably overstimulating reggie.

you clenched around his cock which made regulus whine.

you moaned as you clenched harder, you tried to keep moving as you came, trying to get as much stimulation as possible, your muscles tensed up and your abdomen trembled.

evan was soon to follow, his breathing getting quicker as he could barely stand any more stimulation from regulus. his cum shooting down regulus’ throat, he could feel regulus swallowing everything he gave him and once he was empty evan pulled out of regulus’ mouth.

Regulus took in a few deep breaths and coughed a few times. you gently laid on regulus, your head resting on his chest, his cock still in your cunt. regulus’ hand came to your back, tracing shapes on your skin.

“you took me so good reggie, i’m so proud of you baby” evan praised, leaning down to kiss regulus’ forehead.

you hummed in agreement with evan, “we’re both so proud of you” you added. regulus smiled and mumbled a ‘thank you,’ you felt evan place a hand on your head, ruffling your hair.

“you alright darling?” he asked, you smiled and nodded.

“just perfect” you responded.

#regulus black #evan rosier #marauder era #regulus black smut #regulus black x reader smut #evan rosier x reader #regulus black x reader x evan rosier #evan rosier smut #marauders era x reader #regulus black x reader #evan rosier x reader smut #marauders era smut #poly!evan and regulus #poly!revan #poly! evan rosier x regulus #smut #hogwarts smut

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the-loststone · 2 months

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Eloise v Penelope

I think a lot of Eloise's anger about Penelope being Lady Whistledown comes down to it being the very last person she expected. Eloise imagined Lady W being this emancipated woman, living off her own riches, poking fun at society from outside of it. That Lady W didn't have to conform to the normal expectations of women, to marry and have babies and obey their husbands. She says it herself in S1, I think it was episode 2 or 3. But for that reality to not be the case, that Lady W was in fact a member of the ton, and someone who did have to conform, and did have to marry was a real blow to this fantasy.

That, of course and the fact that it was Penelope. Of course, she has resentment that Penelope was her best friend and lied to her, and exposed her secrets, especially after Eloise was honest and truthful in their friendship. However, I think it's a bit deeper than that. The awful truth is, I don't believe Eloise thought Penelope was cleverer than her. That's not to say that Eloise believed Penelope to be dumb, but she thought they were the same. That they both held the same beliefs but that Eloise was better and a bigger advocate for those beliefs. And Eloise doesn't like having to confront the fact that Penelope actually does want what many other women are supposed to want, and that Eloise is somewhat unconventional and alone in her outspoken beliefs. And Penelope doesn't want to disappoint Eloise so she does, in many ways, hide her desires, and tries to agree with Eloise's beliefs about womanhood and feminism.

That Penelope was smart, clever, and even manipulative and jaded is not a welcome surprise for Eloise. That she didn't know her friend -- even though we know that Penelope did not hide so much as she was overlooked -- is a betrayal. Penelope has always been kind, sweet and very much a sidekick to Eloise. To learn that Penelope was her own leading lady is not welcome, especially when she was leading Eloise on a goose chase.

Something in the books really resonates here too. Colin's worry that if Penelope is discovered as Lady W, it would have her cast out of society, while if someone like Cressida were to be recognized as Lady W would have them be applauded. Because Penelope is not popular, so she cannot be clever and gain notoriety through a pen name. Cressida would be able to remain in society even if she were unmasked as Lady W because she is popular, and even though she's probably recognized as a b*tch, she's a b*tch the ton are comfortable with and the one they would applaud as being so clever to get away with it.

I think Eloise believes the same. She would rather it be Cressida, or probably more like Lady Danbury, because she expects it and because it goes with what she believed. But it cannot be the 'frumpy, unpopular, unattractive' girl like Penelope. Because that's a blow to their ego, that they were misled by someone so... unpopular, a 'loser'. That's not to say that Eloise is so unkind she's always thinking her friend is a loser. But she knows, at least subconsciously, that she is more popular (at the very least because of her station and her family, even if she doesn't recognize that her beauty is a factor as well). And while Eloise has different views on marriage and feminism that may be considered radical, she is still in many ways a product of her environment, and does not take kindly to someone she thinks as 'less' socially to hold one over on her. And I don't mean class. Eloise likely would have been pleased too if it was a maid or something because that would be so clever. But Penelope, a member of the ton, who's not even as cool or outspoken as her? Not likely.

I'm not dismissing Eloise's rightful anger at having her secrets aired out (although I do understand Penelope's dilemma and decision - better for the Bridgerton's to suffer a small scandal than to be involved in a fight with the Queen and dragged down completely). But pay attention to what Eloise says. "I do not even know you. I look at you and all I feel is pity for you. Sequestered here in this very room writing your secret little scandal sheet, tarnishing everyone in town all because you are too scared to stand up for yourself in reality. You are something Penelope, an insipid wallflower indeed."

These words are cutting to the heart of the matter. Penelope is a wallflower, Penelope is unpopular. Penelope could never have accomplished something so clever. All she did was write a little scandal sheet... although it's not little at all, is it?

Let's not forget that before Eloise got in over her head with the Queen, she was obsessed with Lady W because she admired her. Penelope changed Lady W to Eloise's preferences, because she wanted, in some way, to be clever the way Eloise likes people to be clever. Even though it is nothing to scoff at for a woman to be a popular column writer, especially in those days, even if it is for a 'scandal sheet'. But that was one way women had power back in those days, was through what they said, and the rumors that swirled. Penelope has a lot of power through her pen, because she can make and unmake a family. She got rid of Daphne's odious suitor. The women started a rumor, and Penelope wrote about it, and the next day the man had to leave town. Not because of a mere rumor -- because of a PUBLISHED rumor. And while those rumors can fade, as they do, it let Daphne be free to get courted by Simon.

Eloise still hasn't actually confronted her privilege. Theo did tell her, "hey, guess what, you're super privileged and you're putting me in a bad spot." And while she does end up understanding that in the end, breaking things off with Theo, she's still not actually understanding her privilege amongst the ton. Eloise's sister is a duchess, her brother is a viscount. A little rebellion by running around with political radicals will not destroy her. She is still very much a desired connection people would want. Something Penelope knows.

But Penelope herself, as herself, has no power. "too scared to stand up for yourself in reality." And what exactly is Penelope supposed to do? She is not the popular girl with suitors lining up for her. She's not the rich girl who's money can protect her or who's father can protect her. She's a girl with no influence herself. Every time she's tried to help someone as herself, she's been dismissed. When she warned Colin, he dismissed her. When she begged Marina, she dismissed her. When she spoke to her mother, she dismissed her. When she warned Eloise, she dismissed her. So she made herself influential through a pen name.

How can Penelope stand up for herself? She can't without someone like a Bridgerton in her corner. Eloise can insult Cressida in defense of Penelope, but Penelope can't do it herself without feeling actual consequences. But Eloise will never feel any consequence for dismissing Cressida or anyone else, barring someone above her station.

Only a great scandal can destroy Eloise... such as cavorting with a man unchaperoned... and something, again, Penelope warns her about. Of course, Penelope has ulterior motives as well. She doesn't want Eloise to discover her secret. But this is still a big risk that Eloise is taking, which is what Penelope warns her of and is dismissed. Eloise not only risks herself but her family's reputation there too. And while, again, the scandal may not last long, especially not for her brothers, it will affect Eloise as being, the dreaded term... 'spoiled goods'.

And that can feel like a double standard. I mean, Penelope is alone with Colin... then again, Penelope doesn't exactly have a reputation to protect. No one would believe her to be a seductress when they spend so much time dismissing her. And no one would consider Colin to be interested in her since, once again, she's not on their radar. Eloise's privilege is a double edged sword, though she benefits from it more than she doesn't.

It's not fair. But it is a reality. And I think it's a disservice to women of the time not to show how they are punished for standing out. Eloise is loud and brash and suffers little to no consequences for it. If that were actually the case, a girl is often sent to a mad house or married off quickly or some other way to silence her and stifle her. But Eloise has brothers who love her and will protect her. This is a privilege. The first time she feels any censure is through Lady W's pamphlet, but again, it is something that can be brushed aside with her family's protection, though it had the unfortunate timing of coinciding with a broken engagement.

I don't really think the blame is only on one party. Penelope also made a lot of mistakes. That's not to say I think that Penelope owed it to Eloise to reveal that she's Lady W, or reveal her secret to the queen to spare Eloise. Eloise started that battle despite Penelope's warnings and got in the cross hairs of the queen for it. Penelope shouldn't have to sacrifice herself. Also Penelope sharing Lady W with Eloise is taking away something that belongs to her. Eloise would, I think, seriously try to take over the narrative of Lady W if she knew. Already Penelope feels pressured to change Lady W for Eloise's admiration, so I do think that if Eloise knew who Penelope was before hand, Penelope would lose it to her completely, and it would have turned completely into Eloise's pamphlet (which honestly would have led to more problems because Eloise would forgo subtle criticism and instead loudly criticize societal norms). Eloise is overwhelming, and Penelope is a pushover, especially when it comes to her friend who she doesn't want to lose.

But there were better ways she could have gone about it. She could have warned Violet that Colin and Marina were planning on eloping and told her to push for a long engagement instead. She could have told Violet that Eloise had gotten into trouble with the Queen. I mean, I think those are her only options really. Neither would have spared her mother from being furious with her or Eloise thinking she betrayed her by telling Violet... but it would have been minimal damage in comparison. Then again, there is the big risk that it wouldn't work because, as I said, Penelope is regularly dismissed.

In the end, yes, Penelope was a bad friend. And she's not a particularly helpful or good daughter/ sister / cousin. Then again, her family hasn't been very kind to her either and Eloise has overlooked her as well. Is Eloise the biggest victim? No. That would be Marina, who, I would argue, ended in a better situation than if she had married Colin. Did Penelope have a duty to fix her mistakes and repair the reputations of people she ruined? I don't think so. It would have been nice but... people have to be able to recover on their own, and a lot of things can only really be fixed with time or a new scandal. The worst harm she did was to herself and her family. She feels the consequences of her actions too. Is Eloise a victim? Yes, but better the victim of a scandal sheet than the victim of the Queen. Does Penelope need redemption? No. I don't think so. Penelope is complex and already experiences the pain of what she does and the consequences of all her actions. She knows what she puts other people through as well.

Anyway, thank you for reading to the end of my rant. I probably contradicted myself somewhere in there but... oh well. Just my thoughts.

#bridgerton #penelope featherington #eloise bridgerton #no hate for either character #daphne bridgerton #colin bridgerton #simon hastings #anthony bridgerton #bridgerton season two #bridgerton season 3 #lady whistledown #nicola coughlan #luke newton #claudia jessie #peneloise #polin #penelope x eloise #penelope x colin #bridgerton season one

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heyidkyay · 4 days

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And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part Twenty-Three

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way?

Authors Note: Another update this week?? I'm as shocked as anyone else, but hopefully this one will make up a little for the last! It's longer and a little less, um, idk, I can't say emotional?? because that would be a lie:/ Still, there are some developments! Also, it'll make sense a lot later but the 2nd image and the use of a Ride song are used in this one!

Hope you enjoy! Also thank you for all the love on this current series, it means a whole lot and keeps me writing xx

Warnings: similar to that of the last post! so pls look back there if you'd like to know!:)

> Last update: look back here if you'd like!

Masterlist

“I said no.”

Stressed was a feeling beyond words at this point. The past couple of days all I’d had was press hounding at me, calling and texting, emailing at all hours of the fucking day. They wouldn’t let up, even after I’d stayed silent. Adi reckoned it was mostly down to Teddy’s involvement in the whole thing. I didn’t want to think much more about it, although I knew she wasn’t wrong.

“Give me a reason at least?"

I shot a scathing glare over my shoulder before turning back to the filing system I’d taken to reorganising. It was my first morning back at the studio since... yeah, well Finn had Teddy- another factor to my current load of stress- whilst Adi was off doing something or other. I hadn’t asked, fearful of putting more of a strain on her current friendship- relationship??- with Ross, so instead I’d just chosen to tidy and rearrange the entire setup we had going on here. Because that was perfectly normal. And not a fucking way to evade talking or thinking about the mess that was my life. Okay?

“I don’t need a fucking reason, I just don’t want to.” I retorted, hissing slightly when I suddenly cut my thumb on the edge of a document. I withdrew my hand quickly and raised it towards my mouth, letting my eyes slip close for a moment when I heard a footfall step closer.

“Let me see.” Jamie sighed, probably thinking I’d done something worse to my hand than just a papercut. To be fair, the cabinet was old. One of them filing types from the ninety’s that we’d gotten for a score down at some boot sale, so I wouldn't be surprised if one of us did eventually end up losing an arm.

I shook my head and pushed the cabinet drawer closed, “It’s fine, just a papercut.”

Jamie huffed an amused chuckle before settling down on the edge of the desk nearby. It was Adi’s, you could tell from the sheer amount of shit she had accumulating it.

“One thing after another with you.”

My head tilted towards him with a deadened expression, “Ha ha.”

The older man raised his hands up in a mocking surrender, showing he hadn’t meant any real harm. “Too soon?”

I kicked at the toe of the leather boots he wore in retort as I moved towards the kitchenette, aware that he was just trying to lighten my horrendous mood but not really in the right mind for it.

“You want a brew?” I asked, not bothering to give him an honest reply to that question of his. Too soon? Yes, that was all too fucking true.

“Have a coffee if there’s one going.”

I dipped my head in a slight nod, filling the kettle and setting it to boil before snagging the coffee often reserved for guests on the show from a shelf nearby.

Jamie moved to better face me on Adi’s desk as I did so, wearing that same expression he’d turned up in, all concerned and weary. It bothered me a bit, seeing as though it was all I had garnered since the press had had their field day with my life, but I could also understand why. They all just seemed to feel for the idiot stupid enough to fall into another of Matty Healy’s traps.

“Stop.”

“Stop what?” He wondered around a light chortle at my demand, hands falling to rest between his thighs.

I gestured towards his face whilst I poured a splash of milk into my mug, “Looking at me like that, like I’m gonna break or something.”

With a sigh, he pressed his lips together. “You know it’s not like that.” I rolled my eyes in return but he just bounded on, “You know it’s not, I just care is all.”

I forced out a breathless chuckle, “That why you’re here trying to get me to hear him out then?”

To be fair to him, Jamie had come right out with it when he’d first popped by, having messaged me asking after my whereabouts earlier this morning. I’d told him, having spoken to him quite a bit over the last couple days, and then found him on the doorstep.

Jamie had been good with everything. He’d let me vent, rally against one of his friends and clients, question his own motives- and hadn’t even complained one bit. But now he was here asking me to give Matty a chance, a lot like he’d done that first time around in that small cafe all those months ago.

“I know you’re angry, you have every right to be.”

“Of course I’m fucking angry!” I immediately shot back at him, the rattle of the teaspoon ringing out as I dropped it into a mug, “I wouldn’t care if it had just been me he’d gone and fucked over! But he brought Teddy into this shit, Jamie. My son! So tell me, how am I supposed to hear him out after he’s done something like that and then lied about it? For weeks, mind you.”

Jamie looked back at me, wearing that ‘this meant business’ mug of his. I slumped at the sight, pressing my knee against one of the lower cabinets to continue stirring the drinks. I didn’t care, I didn’t care, I didn’t care.

“There’s a lot you don’t know, Mouse.”

My eyes slipped closed at his words and I took a second to just breathe. Because I wasn’t angry, not really. I was hurt and humiliated, and just so fucking sad. Fed up with it all, if I was being honest. Enough so that I knew that Jamie was being truthful here- and not just because it was a fact that I hadn’t spoken to Matty since things had fallen apart, but also because I hadn’t had the heart to ask Teddy about things yet. Or if ever.

The kid was four. Four, and asking after a man every night before he fell asleep and then as soon as he opened his eyes the next morning.

He knew something was up, he was smart like that. But what was I meant to do- to say? When I was just as confused as he was.

I’d ended up leaving him with Finn today, having had no other choice in the situation because the nursery was closed for an inset day, or some shite like that, and it seemed I had no other friends than the few around me.

Could quite literally count the lot of them on one hand.

But still, Finn and I’s relationship had still been rather rocky after that whole incident with him and Matty, and hadn’t improved since. In fact, he’d been a little unbearable about everything, always one to toot his own horn whenever he was right about something. But it was always slyly and I couldn’t help but feel as though it was a constant dig, like even when he wasn’t commenting on it he was still thinking it whenever he looked at me.

Which felt so horrible to think, let alone say out loud. He was my best friend. So I’d kept my mouth shut and just dealt with it, like I did everything else in life.

“He’s messed up about it.” Jamie then spoke, his voice having startled me a tad, breaking me out of my musings. He was watching me again, only when he did it, it didn’t feel as condescending as everyone else's. Like he understood my position. And I guessed that he probably sort of did.

“I bet.” I scoffed quietly, an airy titter escaping through my nose, and then I turned to toss my teabag away.

“It’s true.” Jamie shrugged, then nodded in thanks when I pushed a coffee his way. “He’s been ‘round Ross’s ever since shit hit the fan, hasn’t left the flat. Driving the lot of us mad, but he’s torn up, Mouse.”

Tongue in cheek, I wrapped my hands around my cup and propped my hip up against the counter, staring into the still swirling liquid. “Serves him right, I guess.” I replied with a soft shrug of my own, though we both knew I didn’t quite mean it.

Jamie looked over towards one of the windows to the right, most of them were either way too long or too tiny for the space, an odd build, but this particular one gave way to the skyline lying over the remainder of the city. I often wondered what the lower levels might look out at, thinking it was probably the majority of the surrounding buildings, and couldn’t help but feel a little thankful that we’d managed to snag this unit.

When he glanced back over at me, I took a sip and let him speak.

“A lot went on, that much I know, and it’s your choice how you deal with it. But, I saw the two of you. I saw him change. Which is stupid to say, I know, but it doesn’t stop it from being true. He was different with you, he actually tried in other aspects of his life and not just with the band and the music. He looked genuinely happy.” He smiled softly at the eye roll I gave, but it didn’t appear to deter him. “Don’t get me wrong, I know you didn’t fucking cure him. Don’t work like that, does it? But you helped. You and Teddy both.”

I looked away then, back towards the window, unable to really help it, and instead allowed my eyes to trail over the clouds which powdered the dusty blue sky.

“It was different. Things were different, and I know that there was love there. There couldn’t not have been. The way he looked at you…” Jamie shook his head ever so slightly as he breathed out, unaware of just how deeply his words had cut. But then he peered over at me and I found myself already looking back, air caught somewhere in the swell of my lungs.

“Don’t.” I choked out, the grip on my mug having tightened tenfold. “Just,” I shook my head.

Jamie put his coffee down on the desk and moved to stand, hands raised to convey he wasn't a threat. “I’m not saying this to hurt you more, love. Just telling you how I saw it.”

I licked at my lower lip, casting my eyes downwards. Our silence stretched and all could be heard was the odd car horn and chirp from beyond the walls of the studio, until-

“Anyone here?”

I blinked back the tears which had started to well in my eyes and sniffed, head shooting up just in time to spot a familiar giant ducking their head under the beam of the doorway, limbs following right after.

George entered but then stopped short when he spotted his manager stood by me, and I laughed to myself at the way the pair of them seemed to eye one another, before stepping in, “Didn’t hear you ring the buzzer.”

Kind eyes darted over to find my soft smile then, welcoming him in, and so George finally moved in closer, laying the jacket he wore to rest over one of the armchairs.

“Yeah, someone was just leaving and let me in.” He answered my unasked question, shrugging as he added, “Dunno whether they recognised me or if they just let anyone up.”

“Probably the second,” Jamie piped up, seemingly having broken himself from his previous bout of surprise, “This lot ‘round here don’t give much of a shit about crap like that.”

I rolled my eyes, but was glad to have a reason to smile slightly. “Or they spotted the BFG making his way over and wanted to avoid pissing him off.”

Jamie cackled whilst George just shot me a narrow-eyed look, “Hilarious. That pot just boiled?” He asked me as he wandered over. I nodded in turn and moved to grab him a cup, only faltering when he lowered my hand with his own and shook his head. “I got it.”

I dipped my head slightly, blinking before taking a step back to let him work. He made a quick go of it, rummaging around the cupboards briefly to find what he needed and only asking for the spoon I still held for some odd reason when he was near done.

Jamie appeared to have been watching him too, a calculating glaze to his eyes, and he chose that next moment to speak up, “How you been anyway, George? Not seen much of you lately.”

Something unspoken passed between them when George glanced over at him, but I couldn’t tell what.

“Good, busy.” Was what the taller decided on, throwing Jamie a quick smile when he crossed to toss his own teabag in the bin before settling on the counter to the left of me. “You?”

It almost sounded sarcastic, not how he said it but simply because he’d asked it at all, knowing everything that had recently occurred. It must have been a right nightmare for Jamie these last few days, what with him being the band’s main man.

Jamie just laughed though, goodnaturedly, though it was apparent that he was still trying to suss out what was going on, what with George’s sudden appearance. Seeing as I’d never once mentioned him to Jamie.

See, things with George had all started after that studio session Teddy had attended, followed by my wishing him a happy birthday just before Matty had gone and done what he did best. Wrecked it all.

Teddy had become all too smitten with the drummer since he’d first been introduced to the band and their many songs and music videos. He enjoyed the guitar he’d been gifted an awful lot, often playing with it and practising, but each time any sort of song played on the tele or the radio, or even in the car, it wasn’t hard to note the way Teddy instantly mimicked George’s swift movements, pretending to drum along to whatever beat heard.

George had messaged me on Instagram later that same day, seeing as how apparently Teddy’s appearance at the studio had stuck with him, and asked after him a little. It seemed strange worded like that, but George reckoned that Teds had a real streak of a musicality about him, even as young as he was, and wanted to see if Teddy would be up for learning some more.

Which had been a Godsend, honestly, what with how the next couple of days had gone down. I’d given him my number via dm just before the storm had started and then the afternoon that had followed the plethora of articles he’d called.

He’d asked how I was at first, almost consoling me in that easy way of his, so full of little words, which had been all too refreshing in truth.

I’d had texts and calls off of practically everyone I knew, even Ronan, the utter prick. And none had managed to soothe me quite like George’s had, seeing as the man had been there too. Not quite in my position, sure, but near enough. He’d even let a little of it slip when he’d popped on over that same day, bringing a bag of takeaway and a roll up drum mat as a gift for Teddy, who had been cooped up with me on the sofa for most of the afternoon.

The two of them had bonded over it rather quickly, Teddy having been caught off guard by George’s sincerity almost as much as I had been. But then I'd found myself getting to know the drummer too and very much appreciating the unnecessary gesture he’d made for me, even with the pair of us not knowing one another as well as we could have.

I had no idea what was going on between him and Matty, I hadn’t had the balls to ask, but he’d mentioned he hadn’t heard much of anything from him since the night of his party, as well as the fact that his girlfriend, Charli, had been just as annoyed with everything that had gone down.

I knew he’d be stopping by at some point today, we’d made plans to get lunch once he’d heard I was back at the studio on my own, but not recording. I reckoned he was concerned and this was his way of showing it, but it was hard to tell with him most of the time seeing as he’d made it out as though I was doing him a favour here. An effort I came to find I much appreciated.

“Work, you know how it is.” Jamie replied after a long pause. He was still standing in the same position he’d been in since George arrived, but seemed to move then, picking up what was left of his coffee and pouring what remained down the sink. “But I’d best be going, got a couple calls to make. You gonna be at the studio tomorrow?”

George hummed around his next sip, pulling away with only a dip of his chin. “Should be.”

Jamie smiled, nodding, “Good, I’ll let the rest of them know then.”

I caught George’s slight wince at that, though he didn’t protest his manager's comment. It made me wonder.

Jamie turned to me then, shucking on his jacket. I perked up, not having realised that he really was rushing to leave now. “Remember what I said, alright?”

I blinked, but then nodded. How could I forget? I wanted to ask, but instead said, “You don’t have to head out so quick.”

He sent me a reassuring grin as he flipped over the collar of his coat. “You won’t miss me much,” He then teased before roping me into a hug, “Weren’t lying when I said I had a couple calls though, so it’s best I get out of your hair whilst I still can.”

I smiled softly at the sound of his lighthearted chuckle and nodded before following him over to the door, “Stay safe.”

Jamie rolled his eyes, all too used to my typical parting now, though amused by it all the same. “Can’t promise anything.” He retorted with a smirk, shuffling over the threshold whilst his eyes flickered back to where George still stood once more. “So, about before?”

I inhaled shakily, though Jamie didn’t seem to notice, fingering the pockets of his jacket in search of his mobile. “I’ll think about it.” I told him.

He flashed me a grin at that, pleased, then let his heel trail over to meet the top step of the metal grating. “Talk to you later then.”

I nodded and watched for a second as he descended the staircase, head bobbing down the first set before he turned and disappeared from view. Sliding back inside, I shut the door quietly behind me, taking a second to steel my nerves before facing the room again.

During that time, George had seemingly gone and made himself comfy on the settee, his mug settled on a coffee table coaster. I moved to join him after putting both mine and Jamie’s cups under the tap to rinse before just leaving them to soak.

George was fiddling with something when I sat down beside him but shuffled over a tad to allow me to get more comfortable, “So what was that about?” I questioned.

“With Jamie?” He asked and I nodded, even though I reckoned he already knew what I was on about.

He shrugged slightly and I noted the way his finger trailed over a slip of folded paper, it was creased as though it had been played or fiddled with a dozen times too many. My brow seemed to furrow at the sight of it.

“He tried phoning a few times but I’ve not been too keen on answering, learnt that I’ll just get dragged into the drama if I do.” George finally answered, and for some reason I felt a wad of guilt pool in my stomach upon hearing it, even though I hadn’t been the one to cause this mess.

Or maybe I was just kidding myself.

“Sorry.”

George huffed as he turned to peer over at me, elbows resting on the tops of his knees. “Nothing to be sorry for.” He told me and then gifted me a sweet smile, “None of this is on you. Just thought we were in the clear, you know?” He looked away at that and his smile dimmed into something smaller, almost sadder. “Figured I wouldn’t have to go dodging my mates calls anymore, or be roped into cleaning up everyone else’s messes.”

He reached a hand out to settle on my knee then, probably having noticed the way I was chewing on the insides of my cheek, or maybe the fact that my lip was now trembling. I’d never felt so shitty. So at fault for something I hadn’t really seen coming, nor could I prevent.

“Not your fault, remember?” He reiterated to me, squeezing my joint softly before pulling away. I sniffed before looking up at him with a tiny smile.

“Promise I don’t usually cry this much. Just been a shitty week is all.” I told him, laughing pitifully as I toyed with the hem of the jumper I’d put on earlier that morning when I’d purposefully avoided the hoodie that had been left on my desk chair, as well as the cupboard full of clothes that didn’t belong to me.

I felt the settee dip slightly before I found him sitting right beside me, lifting an arm to wrap me up in a hug. His cheek came to rest on the side of my head and I felt my heart break that little bit more, because it reminded me that in a second, or two, I wouldn’t have that sense of protection he now offered, shielding me from the rest of the world.

“You’ve been put through the wringer.” George murmured and I had to laugh just a little bit, he laughed too, the sound of it reverberating through his chest to where my head rested. “Fucking cry if you want to, alright? No judgement here."

I spluttered a little on my next chuckle, smiling as I wiped at my eyes. George’s arm just tightened its hold by a fraction, as though he knew it would make things that little bit easier. We both sat there like that for a while, and I appreciated the fact that he was okay with a bit of quiet. That he didn’t run scared from it or try to start up an awkward conversation simply to fill it.

Silence was something I’d come to realise that George often favoured. Because sometimes that was all you really needed.

I don’t know how long we continued like that before he shuffled and pulled that same piece of paper from earlier back into view, holding the corner of it between his forefinger and thumb. I pulled away slightly, looking down at it and then back up at him with a small frown.

“What?”

George merely blinked, staring down at the paper with an odd look before he finally placed it in the hand I had resting on my thigh. My frown only deepened.

“What is it?” I asked him, finger trailing over an edge just as he had done when I’d first spotted it. When I went to unfold it from the opposing corner, he stopped me.

Confused, I turned to raise a brow at him, only to find him already looking back at me. He bit into his lower lip and then flattened his mouth into a stern line, “I found that when I was last in the studio.”

My chest tightened for some reason, but I was still so baffled. “Okay?”

We were sitting up better now, George’s arm having slipped from my shoulders to come to rest in his lap, fingers trailing over his left hand’s rigid set of knuckles.

“I figured you should see it.” He added in his usual drawl, though his eyes flickered up from the paper to catch mine then and I realised it must've been important. He seemed wary enough to warrant it.

I went to unfold it once again, but then his hand really reached out to stop my own, “I don’t know if I should be here when you do.”

That alone made me even more curious, although there was an edge of caution that now warred at me. “Why?”

George gifted me a gentle smile, the hand that still laid over top of my own squeezing kindly. “I’ll go grab us some food, alright? If you want to open it then do, if not. I won’t mention it again.”

He moved to stand then but my hand shot out to grab at the sleeve of his arm, “George.” But I didn’t know what else to say, I knew I was fearful though.

His fingers moved to meet mine, resting there for a short moment, “It’s your choice. Just, I couldn’t keep it from you.”

I swallowed thickly as he pushed to his feet, the scuff off his heavy boots bouncing off the hardwood floors. Slowly he moved to grab his jacket, giving me time to say no, to deny his offer. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t do much of anything really.

The door shut behind him with a soft click a minute later and the quiet of the studio suddenly consumed me. When I glanced back down at the paper I held once more I saw the slight tremble of my hands. I forced myself to exhale, but even that was shaky.

I was careful as I unfolded it, listening to the rustle it made before scrawled lines that had bled through to the other side caught my attention. Pausing, I took a moment to just look at them and then thoughtlessly hurried to reveal the rest of it, taking in its full form. My throat tightened at the sight of familiar scribbles.

You had me from the start Pulling all the stops out On the down low, secretly But I think you knew your psychology Was working on me Infatuated And doing this all wrong You've got My number and my name And you've got me going Yeah, you've got me going Can I see you every day? Do you love me Like I love you? Ah, you've got me going Yeah, you've got me going

(Song: Ride - Future Love)

It was as if something in me had shifted and then turned, sparking itself its very own flame on a bone too sharp and growing and growing until its singed edges burnt and blackened every part of me.

I must've sat there staring down at it for ages. Crying silently and alone in an empty room, something I’d been avoiding doing since this had all started. Though I supposed it had been inevitable.

His words. His thoughts. Bared to me on a single page. Him none the wiser to any of it. Probably having not even realised it was gone, or missing. And George had read it. He’d seen it and still, after everything, had given them to me.

A tear dropped from my chin then, blotting the page and I could only watch on as the dark ink appeared to cling to it, seeping further and further into the paper. Smudging the ‘Do you love me’ enough so that my breath stuttered and I was suddenly moving all too quickly for my mind to catch up with my thoughtless actions.

Not even a second later my phone was in my hand.

Messages now To: Jamie O (glasses!) When can he meet me?

–

Matty had always had a thing for Sundays.

There was just something about them. Not all that Godly shite that people preached about it being holy and the first day of the week, ‘cause to him Monday would always hold that title- and Monday’s fucking sucked dick.

No, it was because there was just something peaceful that settled on Sundays, it took him back to simpler times, of days when he’d just been a kid and roast dinners were spent ‘round his nana’s house. Or when Newcastle would play on afternoons and his dad would finally be home to watch with him.

There was just something about them, you know. He didn’t much believe in luck, typically only the bad sort. But if someone held a gun to his head and told him he had to claim a day which would forever work in his favour, it would just have to be Sunday.

Still, he was unsure on where he currently stood with that sentiment as of late. Seeing as how he was currently in the backseat of a cab, jittery hands clinging onto shaking knees whilst rows of houses, broken up by hues of green and blue, rolled on past him.

It hadn’t been a last minute thing, but it felt much like it. The anticipation was getting to him, he knew that much, sweat licking at the back of his neck whilst his shoulders worked their way up to the lobes of his ears.

Jamie had somehow managed it.

Called him up late last night just before Ross had headed off to bed to tell him that she would finally see him. Jamie’d asked if he’d be alright going alone or if they’d prefer a buffer there, but Matty had immediately declined. So he was doing it alone. Though he couldn’t help but wonder if that had been a misstep on his part, if it would have made things easier on her having someone there, or maybe just given him some semblance of relief as the car slowly drove its way over to her house. The very place he hadn’t stepped foot in since the night of George’s birthday party.

But he hadn’t earnt that reassurance. Felt wrong to bring somebody else along either way. So he was stuck, toying with his phone, hoping or praying that a text wouldn’t come through saying that she’d gone and changed her mind.

It had been just under a week since he’d last seen her. But it felt as though time had dragged out slowly, mocking him or maybe even torturing him for all of his many wrongdoings.

He fretted over what she might say when she caught sight of him, he himself having only spotted the state he’d worked himself into when he’d been getting ready that morning.

There were heavy bags set beneath his eyes from where he hadn’t really slept and his cheeks were hollowed in that way that they used to revert to when he’d have a particularly hard weekend way back when. If the papers caught wind of him he already knew what the first articles would say, what they would so obviously claim. But he knew the truth, just hoped that she would know it too.

He was startled from his mind at the jerk of the car pulling up onto the nearest curb. His eyes widened in sudden alarm when he realised just what that meant and then caught the look of dismay that crossed the driver’s face when the bloke looked back to announce that they’d arrived. If the man didn’t already think he was on something, then now he definitely did.

Matty swallowed stupidly and then tried for a smile, struggling to undo his seatbelt with the kickstart of shaking that overtook his hands. The driver took pity on him though, turning away to fiddle with something up front that probably didn’t need fiddling with, and finally Matty’s thumb managed to catch the button.

Releasing himself from the confines of the car, he paused just before the door could slam close behind him, handing the man a couple notes in tip, if only to apologise for his edgy behaviour or buy himself a little more time if the driver had somehow managed to suss him out even with his hat, hood and scarf. “Cheers.” He said.

The man blinked at the onslaught of cash and then nodded repeatedly, “Yes, thank you.”

Matty exhaled shakily and then dipped his chin in another goodbye, stepping back onto the curb and watching the cab pull away before he found himself alone once more.

This was it, he supposed.

The street hadn’t changed much in a matter of days but his mind made it seem as though it had. As though suddenly he didn’t belong. The odd man out.

He shoved his hands into the confines of his pockets, pivoting on his heel to face what he’d come here to do. But nothing had prepared him for the way his stomach suddenly bottomed out at the sight of her front door.

The sound of a car horn a way away spooked him, causing him to jump, but did eventually force him forward off the curb and onto the cracked pavement. He stared down at all the dips and curves they had to offer him the entire way up the path until finally, he reached her front steps.

If anyone asked, Matty would tell them it was as though he’d been working on autopilot when he pried the silver knocker up from the wood and let it rap twice. Though that would be an utter lie. His head screamed at him the whole while and his fingers blurred before him when he’d raised them up to grasp at the chilled metal.

He’d never felt so sick, just standing there, the seconds slowly trickling into minutes, or perhaps even hours. It honestly felt as the day was slowly growing colder the longer that he stood there, staring at a coat of familiar paint, before finally hinges creaked and the door opened, revealing a sight that would’ve surely cured sore eyes, if only it hadn’t gone and broken his heart first.

It wasn’t immediate, the effect the past couple days had had on her. It was more in the way she held herself, the sadness which clung to her every fibre, the way she wouldn’t quite look him in the eye.

She stared, caught in a standstill, and for a long moment did nothing before silently and slowly she withdrew enough to allow him through.

Matty didn’t dare utter a word, let alone breathe. Careful to avoid brushing against her or stepping on her toes as he slowly crossed over the threshold to get in, though the hands he’d hidden in his coat pockets curled into fists to keep himself steady.

The first thing he noted upon first entering was the significant state of the flat, it wasn’t messy or untidy by any means, but looked nothing at all like a house typically inhabited by a child should, or at least a monster as chaotic as he knew Teddy to be. It was almost as though Mouse had been expecting a letting agent to pass through with a couple dozen couples, what with how clean it was. He almost reckoned that if he were to crouch down right there he’d probably be able to make out the seam of his jeans in the reflection of the floors.

“You can just hang your-”

“I know.” Matty whispered, not intentionally meaning to cut her off but unable to help himself anyway.

It hurt, feeling as though he was just a guest in a place he had practically considered home not too long ago. He coughed lightly and shrugged off his coat to do so anyway, hanging it up where he usually did, something which made him pause for a split second, wondering whether this could possibly be the last time he’d have the privilege of doing so.

“Right.” Mouse murmured somewhere behind him, snapping Matty out of his thoughts. She stepped on by him just after, eyes trained on the end of the hallway until they reached the living room, “Erm, I’m just starting on a brew. You can wait here if you want.”

He wanted to follow after her, to fall down onto his knees and fucking sob there at her feet, but he was scared he’d dirty her floors or more than likely end up looking like a total knob. He would. Fucking felt like one just from thinking it. So he did as instructed, moving towards the sofa, taking note of everything and anything the room had to offer him.

Matty’s eyes flickered over to the kitchen doorway when he realised she’d stopped there, fiddling with her nails before she caught him looking and dropped her hands. “Just realised I didn’t ask if you wanted anything.”

God, it was so fucking strained.

He took a short breath in and attempted to smile, “Tea sounds good.” Was all that he said, and watched on as her brow wrinkled, head tilting with it.

“Uh, I still have that coffee you like. The one you brought over, if you’d prefer.” She told him and he recognised her confusion for what it was, or maybe it was just her weariness over letting him know that his stuff was still where he’d left it. Or, maybe, just fucking maybe he was reading way too much into everything.

“Tea’s good.” Matty murmured, feeling a little less tense now that he knew that she was sort of sitting in the same boat. “But thanks.”

Her chest rose and fell with her next breath and he watched her nod with difficulty at him, still not meeting his eye. “Right, just be a sec then.”

She disappeared past the door with that, whilst he simply stood and listened to the run of the tap and then the flick of the kettle, feeling stupid for having missed something he hadn’t even realised he’d taken note of before.

But that was just typical, wasn’t it? To miss something so mundane now that it was no longer expected.

Once he heard the clink of mugs Matty allowed his gaze to roam, trailing over the bundle of neatly folded throws settled on the wicker basket by the sofa, ones he knew that if Teddy was here would still be scattered all over the floor before the tv.

There were a couple of coasters laid out on the coffee table, though the fruit bowl had since been removed, something he knew Mouse did whenever there were only a few pieces left or none at all. There would probably be grapes or something of the sort in the fridge though.

She had a couple of receipts left out on the shelf below the mirror she’d hung up on the wall when she’d first moved in, and the picture frames beside them were still the same. Only one was missing, and he knew which.

He noticed that the candles over by the lamp were new though, expensive if he remembered rightly because he was sure that he’d spotted them round someone else’s place recently. He wondered briefly over who could’ve gifted them to her, knowing that she much preferred her usual scents, only ever splurging on the larger Yankee Candle jars they had to offer in the local Debenhams.

He found himself smiling at the thought.

It was then that she shuffled back into the room though, stalling his observations. She carried two mugs in her hand and a small plate loaded with biscuits on her forearm. Immediately Matty moved to help her, taking the plate from her even with knowing that she had it handled.

“I could’ve managed.” She murmured, though not unkindly, and then thanked him quietly once she’d gone and placed the mugs down.

Matty followed her lead, settling the biscuits near the edge of the coffee table, between the two coasters, before fumbling for a second over where to sit. Squeaks seemed to take to one end of the settee so Matty perched on the other, though closer to the middle crease than the arm.

“You got hobnobs?” Matty finally asked, breaking the silence again, eyes flicking over to the plate he’d just held before shooting back over to find her.

She blushed faintly at his comment, then shrugged. “You like them, don’t you?”

Matty scoffed lightly, a soft smile limning his lips, “Yeah, but you hate them. Once claimed that they were like digestives only after being shat out.”

She wrinkled her nose at that, though Matty was quite sure he could spot the mirth that flickered across her face. “Want them or not?”

Rolling his eyes in fond exasperation and knowing not to push it, he picked one up and settled in a little more comfortably into the sofa cushions.

The silence would’ve been almost unbearable if she hadn’t had the foresight to have turned the tv on low before he’d arrived. So whilst a documentary played on one of the many BBC channels, Matty struggled with himself to find the best thing to say. Though he needn’t have bothered, she was always one step ahead.

“So, I think I should start by saying that I um, I know I held a lot of expectations.”

Almost simultaneously, Matty frowned.

She just wrung her hands together once before thinking better of it and laying them flat in her lap. Matty merely wished to reach out and take them in his own. “And I get that it must’ve been a struggle for you, to basically go from like one end of a scale and then jump right off the other side. But, I-”

“What are you on about?” Matty interrupted, unable to help himself in truth, so beyond baffled by the sudden speech she’d started. She stopped and blinked over at him, finally looking him in the eye. At last.

“What do you mean?” She retorted with a pinch between her brows, “Listen, I planned this all out, alright? So can I just get out what I want to say?”

Matty stared, then forced out a breath of air. “Squeaks,” She shuttered at the name, closing off slightly, enough so that Matty took quick note and wished he hadn’t said a thing, but yet, he still carried on. Desperate to save any blundered attempt he’d make. “Look, this weren’t on you. None of it was, okay?”

Her eyes trailed back over towards him at that, though her expression was almost unreadable. Matty struggled with that bit the most, he’d always been able to read her for the most part.

“So, this crap about expectations and me struggling with whatever idea you’ve made up in your mind is stupid.” Her eyes narrowed then and he watched her work her jaw, obviously none too happy about his retort. He withheld a heavy sigh, “I’m not- Look, I’m not trying to be difficult I’m just saying that- What I’m trying to say is, that every relationship has goals or expectations, that’s normal. But nothing you ever did forced me do what I did. That shit? It was all on me. It was me being insecure and scared, yeah? So, don’t go trying to excuse it. Because I’ve had people do that for me for far too fucking long now and hearing it come from you...”

He sort of felt himself slump at that, a little bitter and resentful over the fact that she’d since come to think of it that way. As though his mistakes were all just down to her and her inability to do right by him. He realised though, belatedly, that if anyone else had done exactly that, or even attempted to, in any other scenario he just might have taken up the offer and ran with it. But this was her, this was Squeaks.

She was quiet for a time, then she picked up her mug, eyes trained on the movement of it before, “What then?”

“What?” Matty frowned once more, shuffling forward in his seat in an attempt to catch her eye again.

“Why did you do it then? Why’d you lie, why didn’t you tell me about Teddy?”

That knot he’d been feeling for weeks now. The one at the very end of his tongue, all tied and tangled in the back of his throat, suddenly shrivelled up and slackened, leaving a bitter aftertaste and a plethora of guilt behind.

Matty’s gaze wandered over to the window, to where Teddy’s guitar sat in its stand just before a heavy set of grey curtains. He withheld the urge to pick at his nails as he searched for the right words to give her, wanting so honestly to tell her the truth, to give her a play by play of what had happened in detail, as well as every thought that had gone through his mind.

“It wasn’t what it looked like for a start.”

Mouse scoffed a little at that, and Matty couldn’t be mad at it. If he was sat on the other end of this he’d been doing more than just that, he’d be up in arms, tossing shit about and raving to all who would listen.

Still, his eyes trailed down to where his hands now laid in his lap and he pressed his thumb to his palm. “We were on the highstreet, on the way back here.” He started, voice quiet as his stare tracked the faint lines of his hand, “The guy you saw in the pictures came out of nowhere really. Me and Teds had just been at that ice cream shop a way down, I didn’t even spot him until he was there, in my face.”

Matty wet his lower lip, mouth suddenly going dry. Mouse just waited.

“Teddy was quick to hide behind me, you know? The loudmouth didn’t even really notice him until the last minute. But you have to know, all I wanted was to get him out of there. To avoid staying too long and attracting the wrong sort of attention. Okay? So I’d said I had to get going as soon as he'd spoken, told him I didn’t have time to stay and chat.”

He took a quick breath with that, eyes still centred on the deepest groove of his palm. “But then he, then he brought up Luke. Said something about the funeral he didn't go to and wanting to celebrate his life.” Out of the corner of his eye he saw Squeaks’s hands still from their previous bout of fidgeting. “But I told him I was clean. He didn’t believe me at first, which,” Matty huffed out a self-deprecating laugh, “Well, I can’t blame him for that, what with my track record.”

He heard her inhale then and looked up, it seemed as though she was going to say something but thought better. So Matty bit down on the insides of his cheeks to keep from asking before he exhaled slowly, digging a nail into that groove.

“He got a bit aggy, started calling me a toff and whatnot, because I 'spose I was just a rich boy who bought him a couple grams of coke every now and then.” He clucked his tongue thinking about it, but eventually shrugged. “Then I don’t know, he must’ve looked down or something ‘cause that’s when he,” Matty paused and his gaze shot over to her, then away again, “That’s when he spotted Teddy.”

Mouse wrinkled her mouth, then tried to nod, obviously wanting him to continue. Though she kept her eyes trained on the rim of her mug.

“That’s when he said some shit and I reacted.”

“Said what?”

Matty startled a little at the sound of her question but was hasty in his attempt to answer. “Just, he reckoned that Teddy was mine and that I had to have knocked someone up. So now they were just using me for the money.”

Her eyes slipped closed and her fingers tightened their grip on her cup.

Swallowing thickly, Matty went to continue, “I shoved him and told him to do one- that’s what they caught in those photos. I didn't take anything he offered, I didn't even look back after. Just walked away, thinking of Teddy, trying to get him out of there. The bloke, he kept on shouting, saying some crap about this and that. But I carried on walking.”

Matty was proud of that fact, even with everything that had happened since. Not too long ago, a different version of him would have handled it all too severely. It was a step, a tiny one, sure, but it was progress.

“Then what?” Mouse voiced, prompting him along with just a look.

“Then we walked home.” Matty replied, feeling that familiar cloud of shame dawn over him. “We didn’t really speak, I- I was a bit of a mess, trying to figure out what to do next, what to tell Teddy, to say to make it right again. But Teds, he,” Matty hauled in his next breath, all too fucking close to bawling, that he could admit. “He called for me and I looked down at him. All I could say was sorry, Mouse.”

She nodded tightly, the knuckles she had wrapped around her tea cup had whitened.

“He,” Matty felt the corners of his mouth lift as he remembered the bittersweet memory of Teddy trying to soothe him, “He told me it was alright, that we were okay, but I just kept on saying sorry. He said that the bloke was just a bad man, and I assured him of that. Wanting him to know that we were okay, that the guy was long gone. But then he-”

Matty stopped altogether then, a picture of Teddy's little face coming to the forefront of his mind, and Squeaks immediately took note.

“Then what?”

Her eyes were so full of emotion, but which ones he wasn’t too sure. Still, the sight tightened every muscle in his chest as he forced himself to finish what he’d started. “He said we couldn’t tell you.”

Matty knew he couldn’t have imagined the sharp inhale that sounded from her then, as though she'd just received a blow to the chest. And he so desperately wanted to reach out, to wrap her up and just fucking hold her. But he couldn't. It wasn't his place.

He watched on as she licked at her top lip though, blinking back the wetness that shone in her eyes, “Why?” Her voice cracked on the question but she did not cry.

It was a simple answer. “He didn’t want to hurt you.”

Mouse stood then, placing the cup down with some force before she hastily made her way over to the front window. Matty stayed seated, unsure if he’d be welcome near her.

“It fucking broke me, Squeaks.” He admitted after a moment, his lips now tingled with the sheer amount of effort it took for him to not let his emotions get the better of him. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“You should have told me.” Was her reply, sharp and cutting, enough that it fucking wounded. Because Matty knew that she was right.

“I know.” He answered.

“You should have fucking told me, Matty!” She repeated, turning then to face him. He saw the tremble of her shoulders, the curve of her mouth and how it quaked. He stared, couldn't bring himself to look away.

“I know.”

He swallowed, throat almost aching as much as the hole that made up the majority of his chest.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

“I don't know.” He murmured, mostly to himself.

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donnerpartyofone · 9 months

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I saw this post a few weeks ago that was like a chart from a psychology text that described how different sorts of childhood trauma can produce different dysfunctions, one of which was (I *think*) Emotional Neglect -> Magical Thinking. I was so intrigued by that. Magical thinking is sort of an umbrella term for the belief in a causal relationship between two unrelated factors; it can include wishing on a birthday cake candle; the feeling that The Universe is telling you to call your ex because something reminded you of them; OCD-type rituals that you believe will ward off misfortune; the deeper meanings mis-assigned to mundane events that can be produced by schizo-affective disorders; and also religious convictions to some degree, although those are rarely considered a clinical problem as with anything that helps or doesn't seem to hurt the participants. There seem to be as many potential causes of magical thinking as there are forms of the thought pattern itself, and trauma is an interesting one.

It might be better to think of "trauma" as "helplessness" here. Magical thinking can help impose a feeling of organization where there is chaos and loss of any sense of significance. There was a lot of magical thinking going around in the gritty, depressed town where I'm from, and I often thought it was because of the persistent economic pressure. It's relatively normal for kids to be susceptible to spooky ideas, but many of the adults were also full of ghost stories and superstitions. I have one very sensible friend who is smarter than I am, who grew up there too, and we often reflect on this, which helps me know that this isn't strictly an idea I have due to my own social choices. My friend doesn't live in that town anymore either, but she's always digging up interesting stuff related to it, and one day she showed me the website of someone there offering his services as a paranormal investigator. He was in his 20s, and the site included a lot of unconvincing photos and a long, vigorous testimonial by the guy's mom. Part of me was dying to put it on tumblr, but it would only have resulted in unnecessary cruelty. I was as much a victim of magical thinking as anybody, and I think even when I was pretty young I was aware of what motivated me to be so naive and gullible: that a world full of ghosts and vampires and UFOs and such was preferable to what I normally experienced, which was a consistent sense of boredom and meaninglessness and drudgery and embarrassment and pain and suffocation in an ugly, flavorless universe whose nicer side was not going to be available to me. I had a lot of really damaging friendships with manipulative assholes and pathological liars because I was so very willing to believe the crazy things they told me, just in case any of them were true, because such a truth could change my whole life.

Sometimes I think it's amazing that I never wound up in a cult, although I guess those relationships were sort of like little one- or two-person cults. Once in a while I read about some crime involving young people who think they're vampires or something, and I have a deep feeling of pity, because I think I know what they were going through (except for the part where they think they can do whatever they want to other people). The sad story of Shanda Sharer involves a whole group of badly abused and underprivileged teens, some of whom thought they were witches or vampires, and it just makes so much sense to me that they would be overtaken by these fantasies of secret meaning and power. Recently I watched Bad Vegan on Netflix, something that I avoided at first because I thought it was just about rich douchebags humiliating each other--which is like, what else is new--and to some degree it is, but actually it's way more disturbing than that. Ambitious young raw food entrepreneur Sarma Melngailis was manipulated, isolated, and ultimately kidnapped by this sadistic freak who preyed first on her loneliness and financial fears by pretending to be a rich suitor who could solve all of her problems; then he preyed upon her feelings of personal insignificance and failure by convincing her that he and she had been selected by a cabal of extraterrestrial illuminati who would make them immortal. Sarma seemed completely broken down to me, and I was amazed by her courage in describing the scam she fell for, that she must have known would invite derision. Part of the documentary explores her youth as a kid who always believed she could become something special, and then mundane tragedies like her parents' divorce brought her back down to earth in a painful way, and it seemed like she spent the rest of her life haunted by the idea that she might just be an ordinary failure of a person. I think that's part of what made her so vulnerable to this psychopath, that he was able to access her secret dream of having a special destiny. I got one of my friends to watch the show and she was very frustrated by it because she just couldn't figure out what Sarma's problem was that would cause her to ever believe the things she was told. I tried to reiterate what I've said here, but it didn't seem to mean anything. Ironically this friend is a practicing witch with formal beliefs in the supernatural, including that people can awaken special powers within themselves, but I guess one man's magical thinking is just um not another man's magical thinking.

I still have a lot of magical thinking going, but it doesn't have the same character it once did. I tend to think of it more as "symbolic thinking"; I have a hard time accessing senses of meaning and hope, let alone any kind of self-belief, and sometimes symbolic gestures and concepts can provide that access better than my own direct, practical attempts ever could. It helps that I have a basic agnosticism about the invisible structures of the world, like it's easy for me to believe that there is more to life than what comes in through the five senses, even if I don't pretend to know entirely what that "more" is. That may help me believe that "anything is possible" and I shouldn't give up, even if I direly want to and I know I'm being kind of irrational. Magical thinking can be a double-edged sword, but maybe it's better than nothing.

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a-local-idiots-shitpost · 1 year

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Demon Courting Rituals

I don´t I have to warn for anything but my usual stupidity, also those are just my Headcanons that I came up with on the go without that much thought this somehow managed to get 800+ words

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depending on the Demon it could be a very bloody affair or relatively normal things

most common things during Courting for different types of Demons are

Pride: they usually try to show of in front of the being of their choosing regarding various skills they learned through their life time

the better they are the more willing to show of they are, various Pride Demons are also know to subtly bring up their best skills to show of in front of their Love interest without appearing to desperate for them, they are still Pride Demons after all

Greed: they usually try to either find the most valuable things to gift to their Love interest or they making something truly impressive for them with the wealth and valuables they have now

if a Greed Demon fall in love with another Greed Demon making something themselves out of the most expensive things they could get their hands on usually guarantees the other Greed Demon to accept

but anyone else might not immediately get the gesture and thinks the Greed Demon might just try to show off their wealth, I mean it is but it´s more to show their Love interest how much they have to offer for them

Envy: their Courting habits are rather interesting considering a lot of the time you can´t tell if they truly are interested in their Love interest or just want either whatever the Love interest has or to be the Love interest, in rare cases two or more of these factors could also apply

they also tend to do things or give their love interest gifts with the intent to make others envious of the Love interest, this can sometimes result in mixed reactions even among other Envy Demons

because the Love interest sometimes doesn´t know the true intent behind the Demons actions, though rarely it sometimes happened that actions taken to make the person envious was taken as a Courting sign

Wrath: a lot of their Courting involves physical violence, which also a big reason why a lot of Love interest will think the Wrath Demon despises them despite the Wrath Demon just expressing their feelings in their own specific way

the also tend to gift their Love interest trophies they got from fights, this could range from them showing of scars to them gifting their Love interest the Heart of a Rival, this could be a general Rival or just another unfortunate being which fell in love with the same person as the Wrath Demon

Lust: they mostly try to show of… well to not make it 18+ let´s just say a big part of their courting is showing how much Stamina and Endurance they have

but they also try to show of in other ways for example seduction is also a big part of it as well as surprisingly Dancing with their Love interest

Lust Demons also tend to spend a lot of time with their Love interest just existing in close proximity, this is usually cuddling or just sitting close with each other unless the Love interest show displeasure at the close proximity they then will keep as much distance as they want

Gluttony: Gluttony Demons are known to give a lot of food to their Love interest, which might cause some troubles between the recipient when they aren´t a fellow Gluttony Demon and the Gluttony Demon that chose them, in those cases it will end with the Gluttony Demon sulking because they think they got reject and a lot of times they don´t think about the fact that most non-Gluttony are physically incapable of eating so much

even when they aren´t good the majority of Gluttony Demons will cook all of the food for their love interest themself, this is generally because they not only want to show of their skills but also their ability to hold themself back for their Loved one

Sloth: they usually try their best to give their Love interest the best sleep they ever had

this includes getting them the comfiest bedding, sleep wear and various magical items which are said to better ones sleep quality and of course those who are able to will even alter their Love interests dreams to better their sleep in case they have troubles with constant Nightmares or in some cases even attempt to stop unwanted Sleep paralysis from happening

Royal Demons also tend to give their love interests really expensive gifts to impress them and show of their standing, this usually happens no matter what Sin they are most strongly associated with alongside their normal Courting Habits

despite all of this the above mentioned methods don´t always occur during a Demons courting they are all still different Demons with different personalities and likes as well as dislikes and it isn´t guaranteed that a Demon will even follow those

during newer times and even more so after the success of the Exchange program some Demons adopted similar habits as shown in Humans and in incredibly rare cases even Angels

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me!#obey me headcanons

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luna-rainbow · 7 months

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that ask/meta about Bucky and sleeping broke my heart. I always feel sad when seeing that scene of them manhandling Bucky out of the vault and so but to know they manhandled him while he was basically dead is just sad as hell. he deserved better than a bunch of criminals doing that to him. 😔

while writing this a question came to my mind: what do you think are all the things attached to his body in that opening scene of civil war? I always thought the mask was oxygen but if he was basically dead then he didn't need oxygen, right? plus he's not wearing a mask in other times when we saw him being put under cryo, so what was that for? and the things around his chest??

Thanks for the ask! Cryo is not at all within the realm of my knowledge because there’s complicated physics involved 😂 And to be fair, I think this is classic movie science where the creators themselves have done very little research into how cryo is achieved.

This article provides a good run-down of the theory behind cryopreservation, but it’s from 2008 and technology and our understanding of cell metabolism is likely different now.

To summarise:

The subject needs to be cooled to -120C to be held in cryostasis. At these temperatures, chemical reactions are so slow that the cells can stay stable for centuries.

Blood is removed before the subject has been cooled below 0C and vitrification mixtures are injected into the subject to prevent ice crystal formation. This mixture is toxic, so has to be tightly controlled for the temperature it is given.

Another factor to control for is reperfusion injury upon warming and re-infusing the subject with blood.

Other interesting facts noted in that article is that humans have been cooled to 16-24C with cardiac arrest of more than an hour, then reawakened without neurological damage, which is impressive given brain damage is said to occur within minutes of cardiac arrest at normal body temperature.

Importantly though, the article doesn’t seem to mention any cases where an entire mammal has been successfully resurrected from cryo, much less multiple rounds of freeze-thaw cycles that Bucky had to go through. A lot of what it discusses in theory is on the basis of maximising the preservation of brain tissue, while sacrificing other organs to potential damage (I think the article said something along the lines of “in the future stem cell technology would take care of all those damaged organs!” which…isn’t going to help poor Buck out)

What I can’t find with my (very limited) reading is how the blood is stored after it is replaced. Presumably it is also cryopreserved separately? Because transfusing someone else’s blood into the subject’s body will cause huge issues. The other major difference between current data and Bucky’s situation is that current cryo methods are for the preservation of recently deceased bodies, while Bucky is still alive when he is placed into cryo.

So uh, assuming Bucky’s cryo is anything based in current real world science, he’s likely to have attachments for: heart monitoring and defibrillation, airway support and oxygen supply, large bore intravenous lines for rapid blood removal and replacement which would also help control the cooling/warming, some sort of real time monitoring of acid-base and electrolyte and oxygenation levels and replacement, and maybe some sort of EEG to monitor brainwaves. The blue glowing buttons are kiiiinda in the right place for heart monitor if we’re assuming a 3-lead system and the other one is hidden on his right side.

Keep in mind, this is not taking into account any magic effect the serum might have, ie maybe cryosuspension and revitalisation is only possible because of the serum, and maybe crystallisation isn’t an issue because of the serum.

And this is going to be TMI but I wonder what the effect of intestinal contents would be on cryo. Limiting his intestinal contents is partly the reason why I feel like Bucky likely didn’t have a lot of chance to eat real food, and likely got most of his nutrition as some sort of prescribed nutrition mix that would give him the energy hit he needs for the mission. Assuming that his gut will go into hibernation mode with cryo and probably won’t digest properly at least for a few days (much longer if he were a normal human), I suspect they’ll go for IV nutrition if they need him functional quickly. (* This won’t be one of his lines during cryo obviously cos he won’t need the support)

So yeah, all those fics about Bucky exploring oral textures and tastes of foods as a part of his recovery has a special place in my heart.

#bucky barnes #oh hello new angst just dropped #bucky barnes meta #asks #medical meta #the angst that keeps on angsting

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level2janitor · 24 days

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Diceless skills

the more i run and play RPGs, the more i start to be skeptical of dice. i like dice - i like rolling them, i think there's a whole lot of areas where they make a game better. but i'm skeptical about how they're the assumed default for how you resolve stuff.

ramble about ttrpg design under the cut

the way D&D handles skills is simple: you roll a die. if it's a big enough number (modified by the difficulty of the task & how good you are at it) you succeed. if not, you fail (usually meaning nothing happens). what this amounts to is a random chance to fail.

there's storygames that use more nuanced mechanics - no null result! rolling low is less 'total failure' and more that some twist happens. that can be more interesting. (i'm not familiar with a whole lot of storygames, so this is an oversimplification based on my limited knowledge, correct me if i'm wrong)

now these generally work fine for what those games are trying to do. they use uncertainty to generate drama: oh, shit, i failed the super-important deception check to convince the guards i'm a harmless merchant, now the situation escalates. perfectly good mechanic for your standard 5e campaign.

but that kind of stopped working as soon as i branched out into OSR games.

see, dice fill a very different role in an OSR game. these systems are designed with high lethality in mind - your fighter has 1d8 hit points, a sword deals 1d8 damage, you just die at 0HP. if you run them like 5e, you start killing PCs left at right and it can be very demoralizing.

the intended playstyle is, instead, that the players circumvent die rolls through cleverness - once combat starts, your fate is in the hands of the dice, so you make plans that avoid combat or swing the odds so far in your favor that the risk is worth it. so the dice still feel like they fill a good role, making combat deadly and unpredictable on purpose to set that dynamic.

this breaks down when you use the same logic for basic task resolution. most OSR games don't have skills, but i often see the misconception that you're supposed to use raw ability checks instead or the GM makes up a success chance on a d6. these fundamentally do the same thing as a traditional roll-to-win skill system: make luck a factor in basic task resolution.

the problem is OSR games have such high stakes in the form of very possible character death that involving luck in basic task resolution can be disproportionately punishing. "you failed the stealth check, roll initiative!" works alright in 4e or 5e where combat is the game, but in the OSR that's a line you very rarely want to cross.

(this is also why old-school D&D isn't my OSR of choice, since the thief just makes a bunch of tasks into die rolls with abysmally low success chances you'd never want to rely on)

instead the expectation is the GM is both generous and transparent with task resolution. most things should be a success or not doable; if something has notable consequences or is iffy enough to require a die roll, the GM should tell the player what is at stake before they commit to taking the action. (die rolls still have a place in terms of risk management but i feel they should be opt-in.)

this has worked pretty well in my games, but i missed skills as ways to differentiate PCs and allow specialization into different areas. it's a lever for customizing your character that i really like about D&D, helping two members of the same class feel distinct. so the best skill system i've found that still works well in this environment is this one borrowed from Joseph Manola:

Spending a skill slot on something means you are really good at that skill, and will always succeed at attempts to use it (emphasis mine) except under severely adverse conditions. If you have the Climbing skill, for example, you can automatically climb any normal surface you encounter, although doing so quickly or quietly might still require a Dexterity check.

it's a houserule i put into my Grave campaign for my home group and a core mechanic for iron halberd, and everywhere i've put it, it's run smooth as butter.

it feels like it slots into the OSR playstyle so, so much better than the old-D&D thief skills. die rolls are almost a punishment, so why bake them into the task resolution players use when playing as intended? the diceless skills are instead a reliable tool in your toolbox, and problem-solving with them should be rewarded.

i've also worked out what i think is the ideal number of skills for an average PC - two. less than that feels highly restrictive, while more than that feels like you have everything you really want for most PCs (thus devaluing PCs that spec into having more than two). i let players drop an attribute by 1 for an extra skill or vice versa, to allow for some PCs to be more skill-focused than others.

other variations on this idea include Dice Goblin's time, gear, skill system. i like this one because it's easy to houserule in a way for a player to double down on a skill - spending 2 skills on the same skill just lets that skill count for 2 requirements instead of 1.

overall they've been fun to use and players feel good using them. they do lose that drama aspect, but i find it easy enough to create tension in other ways in an OSR game. i might even try putting them in a non-OSR game because they've just worked really well.

#iron halberd #osr #ttrpg #game design #nsr

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rei-caldombra · 2 months

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Demon Girl Next Door Chapter 89 Review

I’m back to talking about one of my favorite series ever, Demon Girl Next Door / Machikado Mazoku. If you didn’t see my post giving my thoughts about Demon Girl Next Door as a whole back in September of last year, please check that out! I’m keeping the promise I made there of doing a post on each chapter of going forward. I’m very happy to finally be writing about chapter 89 of Demon Girl Next Door. There will be spoilers and this post is largely written chronologically with the chapter.

This chapter gets right back into the most recent plot development, which is Shamiko wanting to dive into Anri’s memories to obtain the family recipe that was lost in the fire. I’m very happy we are getting a lot more focus on Anri and getting introduced to her family. I’ve always really liked her as a minor character. She fits in perfectly with the cast as she is an eccentric weirdo like everyone else, but in a more normal flavor. She can be silly and gung ho with the weird things in this story that you’d think a normal person wouldn’t, but has more normal reactions and information. She is the most helpful for Shamiko navigating social situations. I think she helps keep things grounded while still contributing to the silly energy of the story. But who knows, that grounded normalcy may be changing in the future based on what we learn here.

We’ve seen Shamiko’s abilities grow a lot in recent chapters. The most notable new one that is mentioned in this chapter is that Shamiko can now mend wounds, including broken bones. This is a pretty big deal, giving her a new way to be helpful to the people around her in a way only she can. Recent developments shown in this chapter are important and I'll get more into how great of a character Shamiko is later in the post.

Shamiko is such a caring girlfriend, making sure Momo eats properly while she is gone. I still love these two and they are the only couple I go full shipper with.

Some of the magical side of things is actually pretty complicated. Sion’s thing as a book demon got brought up here, which I will honestly say I do not get very well. I need to re-look at the arc that focused on her sometime and try to understand it better. I feel her purpose recently has largely been to give cryptic information that is not as helpful as it could be, when we know that she is or at least more knowledgeable about the wider story but doesn’t give us all that info. I don’t dislike her as a character, but I don’t love the way she is being used. It’s pretty much my only criticism of the series right now, and it’s hard to describe why she just doesn’t vibe with me. I think I just don’t like feeling that information is being withheld for no good reason. It’s not a problem of severe note, and maybe if I understand her better than I'll fully see a good reason.

Oh boy this is officially our 2nd foray into proper horror in this series. A meat grinder is a good choice for the family of butchers. Those shots are genuinely creepy and well done, I’m terrified but excited to get more. The horror works especially well because of how long we have had with the series being very wholesome and cutesy. The juxtaposition works very well, so we will see if it continues to work well as we get more scary content. I'm confident it will.

We’re getting some serious lore here. It looks like this story involves the Russo-Japanese war, which I assume is mirroring the real life one. We also learned that demons participated in that war. If I remember correctly Momo was found by Sakura at a Russian facility and spoke Russian when Sakura approached her. So the Russo-Japanese war may have been the event that led to Sakura finding Momo. The old picture mentions Shirosawa which gives the story an avenue to how we can hear another account about this event. A big question going forward is how this factors into the conflict between demons and the light clan + magical girls. Were there demons and magical girls fighting together on both sides of wars? Or is it more in line with each faction being on one side? Is the world at large as aware of and blasé about magical stuff as Tama City is? It looks like we will see more into how magical beings have played into politics, and likely get more into detail about the conflict between the demons and light clan. This is some heavy stuff, showing how the series is maturing into taking itself seriously and has much more to say than just being wholesome and funny. I love the more serious directions it’s taken and hope it continues to feel well balanced with the wholesomeness we all love.

In terms of what this means for Anri, it’s pretty complicated and hard to say right now. The issue in the family Sion mentioned is clearly about the darkness that came in at the end. The family must be under some kind of memory shenanigans. Right before they went into Anri’s home she says that she has a large family. But when they are eating at the table she states that they are a two child family, which totals at 4 people. That is not a large family by normal standards, that’s exactly average. Lilith’s “I see” response is likely her picking up on this. The table is also set in front of those chairs which is strange. When Shamiko goes into the dream we get to see more of the family tree, which I will admit I am not great at reading. But it’s clear that there are 3 siblings who are being blocked out from memory due to some terrible event.

The ending to the dream dive is very rough for Shamiko. Shamiko started off being incapable and incompetent whose failures are mostly played for laughs. But it becomes clear that her weakness and lack of skills gave her issues of inadequacy. I think this stems largely from her long state of being physically weak and ill, along with her time of health where she generally appears as pretty stupid and unfit. We even get reminded of this idea in this chapter through the joke of Anri’s little brother only knowing her as losing and crying a lot. We saw these feelings showcased a lot with her initial interactions with Momo. Such as her getting angry over being looked down on and pitied, and thrusting herself into situations she is not prepared for like fighting Momo in desperation to prove herself. Over the course of the story we have seen her struggle and grow into a more confident and capable person. She got many genuine wins due to her own way of thinking and capabilities, such as defeating Sakura’s minion, freeing Ugallu, and most recently fixing Anri’s broken bone. She has grown to be much more secure with herself, but deep down she still has issues of inadequacy. This coupled with her desire to help people after seeing the darkness inside Anri, makes her feel like she did not succeed here even though she still completed her mission of getting the recipe. Shamiko deeply cares about helping others, likely due to her own past weakness, so when she is presented with the opportunity to help she puts everything else aside to focus on that. And she is still harsh on herself, calling herself a failure for not being able to help in a situation she just found out about. It’s details like this that makes Shamiko feel like such a realized and endearing character.

I’m sure it won’t be long before Momo finds out about all this. She is quite perceptive, so I’m not too surprised that she would know that Anri usually sleeps early. We have seen her notice people’s minor behaviors to a surprising degree, such as when she mapped out how Shamiko’s tail portrays her emotions. It’s also nice to see that Shamiko also does not expect the deception to go on long, showing how well she knows her magical girlfriend. They’ve been close for awhile now and I believe the series does a great job of showing the growing understanding between them. They still have some conflicts but they know each other very well. This is one of the reasons why they are such a great couple. I trust that once she finds out she will help Shamiko get through this.

I’m glad the first chapter we got in awhile is a meaty one! Absolutely worth the wait! I’m very interested to see how the story develops from here. And I do want to end by saying that if you love the series as much as I do, I highly encourage buying the manga and anime DVDs. It’s the best way to support the series. I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone, I just believe it’s best to monetarily support the media you truly care about when you can in addition to talking about how awesome it is online. Most of the manga is available in English already.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be doing posts on each chapter going forward so please stick around! Hopefully the wait will not be as long for the next chapter but I'm happy to wait as long as Ito Sensei needs.

#review #manga #demon girl next door #machikado mazoku #blog #manga chapter

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thequiver · 1 month

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I'm a bug fan of your Revenant series! It's such a cool team 😁

One thing that struck me was that on learning the shadow king was back Lorna specifically asked for her brother and shot down seeing her father. She was even reluctant to tell Wanda what was happening until Pietro convinced her.

What was going on in her head at that moment and how do you feel about her respective relationships with her father and siblings (In the story and in cannon)

YESSSSSSSS I’ve been waiting for someone to ask this 🥰🥰🥰also thank you so much for enjoying Revenant, I have literally so much more of it to write (you have no idea this has gotten way out of control, this entire AU was created for a silly oneshot TerryLorna idea I had and I am STILL NOT EVEN AT A PLACE WHERE I CAN WRITE THE TERRYLORNA)....anyway this is about to be word vomit bc I have a LOT of thoughts

Okay so one of the big things here is that Lorna and Pietro have both had pivotal moments in their stories where they were mind controlled and made to do things that hurt people they cared about and neither of them really ever got a whole lot of support in recovering from that. And Pietro is, for all his faults, incredibly protective and incredibly loving of his sisters and while Lorna has spent a LOT of time pushing back against that protectiveness because she really and truly can handle herself and she and Pietro don't have that kind of history where he's seen her almost burned at the stake etc etc.... this is a moment where she wants someone to be ride or die in her corner and to be ride or die in her corner after it's all said and done even if she is controlled again...... and Pietro's fatal flaw is loyalty. She wanted someone who would come in and try to make it better even though there was nothing they could do, and she knew that if she called Pietro would come running. It's more an act of desperation than of familial love? But it's something that's really going to set the stage as the story progresses for how their relationship is going to evolve. We also know that Lorna is very afraid of seeming weak in front of her father- he has these grand expectations of her and when she doesn't meet his impossible standards she cracks under that weight and for as much as I love Erik and as much as I appreciate the steps he's taken to repair his relationship with her, being his daughter is not easy. And with Wanda, they arguably have the easier relationship within this group of siblings, where it really has become more genuinely sisterly and almost...dare I say? normal? But Wanda isn't really involved in X-Men stuff and hasn't really been to any grand extent barring her intro and M-Day (and much more recently Trial of Magneto)- her very presence on Krakoa is enough to inspire hatred and anger, with the Shadow King there Wanda as a first choice is probably not smart, and Wanda herself has so much baggage with mutantkind thanks to M-Day that it puts her in a weird position too.

I'm playing a lot with Wanda, Lorna, and Pietro's relationships with each other and with their father. I feel like Pietro is very underutilized and that he's not taken seriously by writers or by fans and so I really wanted to build on this Lorna-Pietro relationship that was starting to get established in All New X-Factor and to really kind of I guess force my readers to remember that Pietro isn't a bad guy? Which sounds stupid bc he's a hero but like people don't read for Pietro and take wildly ooc shit as fact. Like it's important to me that my readers know that it was Pietro who pushed for he and Wanda to leave the Brotherhood, and that Pietro tries so so so hard for his family and just wants to keep his sisters and daughter safe and that like he is a victim of much of the same trauma as Wanda and he's allowed to have responses to it without being whiny or having to get over it (no matter what Wanda said in Quicksilver: No Surrender).

But yeah, I have lots of Revenant thoughts, and feel free to dm me or send me asks about it anytime I love talking about it!

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suzannahnatters · 1 year

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Trope Talk #2: Breaking Their Heart To Save Them

OK let's talk about a trope I DON'T like.

As I've started watching a lot more Asian dramas this year, my patience with this trope - already occasionally featured in Western media - has approached rock bottom. You'll know this romance trope when you see it, usually around the start of the third act. The main couple will have overcome every obstacle - but suddenly everything will be too much. Some external factor is forcing them apart, and this time one of them becomes convinced the two of them should break up. But how to convince the other party of this?

Easy! Tell them a bunch of lies. Pretend you never even loved them in the first place. Break their heart because it's the best way to save them. Satine does it to Christian in MOULIN ROUGE. Both leads do it in LOVE BETWEEN FAIRY AND DEVIL. Gorya does it to Thyme in F4 THAILAND. (That last one very nearly got me to ragequit with just two episodes left to go.)

So, let's discuss why this trope doesn't work for me, as well as some ways it might be justified, subverted, or deconstructed.

I think the main reason the trope doesn't work for me is that most of the time it feels quite cruel, especially when it acts as the third act breakup. Breaking someone's heart to save them is supposed to occur as a gesture of love and care for another person, but it's pretty messed-up to deliberately wound someone, someone you claim to care for. Let's look at two examples that didn't work for me.

CRASH LANDING ON YOU has a male lead who is always scolding the heroine for her decisions, especially when those decisions lead her to sacrifice herself for him. When she wakes up in hospital after taking a bullet for him, instead of saying thank you like a normal person, he scolds her to the point of tears. Because he's constantly treating her like a child and making decisions on her behalf, it makes perfect sense when he decides to break up with her by telling her he never loved her. The characterisation is consistent and believable; the problem is that this sort of character is a huge red flag, and the show never stops depicting the hero's paternalistic behaviour as a totally normal and romantic thing, actually! This is a great example for what this trope represents even at its most internally consistent - a character making a huge decision without their partner's input, taking away the say that should rightfully be theirs, and never being called to account for it.

Take F4: THAILAND as an example of this trope that doesn't make ANY sense at all. Our two leads kept me fully charmed throughout most of the show, but it all fell apart for me in the final three episodes. Gorya is a wonderful female lead whose strong sense of self-respect, dignity, and tenacity has driven her to challenge Thyme's bullying and inspire him to become a better person. These traits have empowered her to defy his mother's systematic destruction of her family's finances and those of everyone she loves. When Thyme's mother offers Gorya money to break up with Thyme, she scorns the offer. However, when Thyme's mother tells him that she is dying and that she needs to use what little time she has left to consolidate Thyme's leadership of the family empire, Gorya chooses to break Thyme's heart to ensure that he can become CEO after his mother's death. This is pitched as worthwhile because of the good things Thyme could do as a powerful capitalist who puts people, not money, first. Gorya knows that after everything she and Thyme have been through, he's absolutely devoted to her, and that hurting him badly enough to part the two of them will involve returning him to the old, villainous, bullying Thyme. Thyme's mother even encourages her to do just that - because it's only the villainous Thyme who CAN consolidate his control of the family empire. It made no sense to me that Gorya would fall in with this program. Why would this person hurt someone she loves, bringing back the villain she reformed, so that he can keep control of the riches she spurned? I didn't believe it for a moment. It felt like gratuitous cruelty, totally out of character, and militated against the story's themes.

I always find myself asking the same questions when I see this trope: why couldn't the characters have an honest conversation about this? Why couldn't they face this challenge together? Why wouldn't they do literally everything within their power to avoid systematically destroying their loved one's self esteem? Taking a relationship out the back and shooting it just seems like an incredibly disproportionate response to 99% of the scenarios that give rise to this trope.

Still, like all tropes that are used poorly, this one can be deconstructed, played with, or even justified. Let's look at some examples of this trope that work a little better than most.

Look for ways to soften the trope

The more love and trust there is between the characters, the less credible it is that one of them would choose to withold information from the other, lie to them, and break their heart. In the YA space opera romance THESE BROKEN STARS, at their very first interaction the female lead mocks and antagonises the male lead specifically because young men who show romantic interest in her tend to meet with unfortunate "accidents" and she wants to spare him that fate. Since the two of them are strangers, there's less trust to be broken, and by the same token, it takes the female lead less effort (and cruelty) to destroy his interest in her.

Similarly, think about the somewhat similar situation in PRIDE & PREJUDICE where a third party, Mr Darcy, breaks up Mr Bingley and Jane Bennet because he thinks it would be better for Bingley not to ally himself with the embarrassing Bennet family. This is not an example of this trope, but it's a very similar one - two people in love are cruelly broken up because somebody decided they knew best. While Elizabeth at first believes Mr Darcy's actions to be unforgiveable, she quickly learns of an extenuating circumstance: Mr Darcy had no idea that Jane was seriously attached to Mr Bingley and would not have done what he did if he had known.

2. Make sure there are realistic consequences

I don't think it's IMPOSSIBLE for a couple to end up together after a use of this trope, but as in PRIDE & PREJUDICE, in addition to extenuating circumstances, there would ideally be a whole character arc in which the person at fault proves that they are going to stop trying to make decisions for their partner.

I also loved the deconstruction of the trope in ANOTHER MISS OH. In this show the heroine's fiancé, facing financial ruin and prison, tells her just days before their wedding that he doesn't love her anymore and is disgusted by the way she eats. When he gets out of prison early, he's extremely miffed to find that his ex is now dating the very bloke responsible for him being in jail in the first place. He tells the female lead that he just wanted to spare her the pain and disgrace of his prison sentence, and she very properly calls him out on it. He intentionally humiliated her and left her with lasting wounds and insecurities, and although her new boyfriend isn't perfect either, at least he never did THAT to her.

Although this is a deconstruction I think we can still learn from it. After all, this trope is always depicted as a mistake on somebody's part; the important thing is to make the consequences believable.

3. Make sure it's believable for the characters to act in this way

When this trope is played straight, as a major third act breakup between avowed lovers, I almost never find it truly believable. But the story that comes closest is MOULIN ROUGE. Our heroine Satine has always seen herself as the older, worldly wise, cynical one in the relationship. She doesn't believe in the power of love the way her love interest, Christian, does. And she's spent her whole life prioritising money and survival. So, when Satine finds out that her would-be lover, a powerful duke, wants Christian dead, it's credible that THIS sort of person would decide to break up with Christian and tell him she's choosing the Duke and financial security over love.

There are also additional reasons why this works, and all of them are deeply rooted in characterisation.

For one thing, this isn't Satine's first choice. She originally plans to run away with Christian. It's only once she learns that she's dying of consumption that she decides to break up with him instead. We SEE that Satine would rather fight for her love - and we understand why she comes to despair of it.

For another, staying true to Christian won't save him heartbreak because he's going to lose her anyway. On the other hand, if she breaks Christian's heart, she will save him from the Duke and also give the Moulin Rouge's prostitutes a chance at becoming actresses and real artists. We can understand that the price of putting love first is so high, with such little return, that Satine would choose to act this way.

Finally, because Satine's character has already been established as so mercenary, she doesn't actually NEED to work hard to convince Christian that she has chosen the Duke. In fact, one of the things that sets MOULIN ROUGE apart from other examples of this trope is that, from memory, Satine doesn't even lie to Christian. She doesn't try to convince him that their love has been a complete sham - she just informs him that she's decided to give the Duke what he wants. Christian believes it because it's exactly the sort of thing the Satine he first met would have done.

Compare this to the example in F4: THAILAND. In that show, breaking up with Thyme doesn't fit with Gorya's character. She doesn't try to find any alternatives. Thyme finds it so hard to believe her when she says she wants to break up with him, that she has to seriously hurt him in order to make him believe it. And as a member of the audience I wanted to know why exactly it would be so terrible - in a show that is explicitly about the evils of wealth - for Thyme to abandon his family empire.

4. Connect it directly with the themes

The cdrama LOVE BETWEEN FAIRY AND DEVIL contains a rendition of this trope that actually works WITH, rather than against, the themes of the story. LBFAD avoids the often sexist and paternalistic overtones of this trope by having both leads at different times break each other's hearts to save them. Best of all, it uses the trope as an expression of the main thematic conflict of the story. This campy fantasy romance dares to ask whether the greater good is more important than personal love and happiness. When each lead character chooses to break the heart of the other, they do so implicitly because they have bought into the lie that they must set aside personal love for the greater good. Their whole character arc and happy ending hinges upon their ability to see that the only way to sacrifice for the greater good, is to learn love and compassion on a personal level. As such, even though it still stretched credibility that two such devoted leads would treat each other so badly, the story used the trope wisely, not to manufacture melodrama but to discuss its central themes.

5. BONUS: Restore agency to the dumped party One of the annoying things about this trope is specifically that it involves one character choosing to deprive the other of agency in their own romance. So, one of the most fun ways to play this trope is by restoring agency to the dumpee.

This happens in the cdrama TILL THE END OF THE MOON. At first, the way this trope was played in this story really annoyed me. The God of War, Ming Ye, has unexpectedly fallen in love with his at-first unwanted bride, Sang Jiu. Now, however, he's about to go off and fight a battle in which he expects to give his life. Rather than let Sang Jiu know about this, he hands her a bill of divorce and tells her he never had any feelings for her. Sang Jiu has been in love with him from the shell, and this breaks her heart. It seemed completely gratuitous to me - why would Ming Ye divorce someone he's about to widow in any case? If he wants to send her to safety, why can't he just ask her to go home for a visit to her beloved family until the danger blows over? However, I was FASCINATED by Sang Jiu's response to this ultimatum: she puts on her wedding dress, marches into Ming Ye's room, and demands her conjugal rights before she leaves. Although there were definitely things about this scene which I, ah, found problematic and would have done differently, it was a terrific thing to see the female lead seize back agency in this situation. I also appreciated how it foreshadowed later problems in the subplot, in which the male lead's inability to communicate and the female lead's tendency to take things into her own hands dooms them both.

Similarly, in one of my books, a character is forced to break up with another in public, which she does, very coldly. But he takes the first opportunity to get her alone, throw himself at her feet and swear that even if she doesn't want to be his partner anymore, she will still have his undying devotion and lifelong service. It was huge fun to defy the common expectations of the trope in this way!

In summary, I do think that this trope can work, but it does need to be fully supported by the story. It should not be overdone; there must be consequences; it must be in character; there must be high enough stakes to make the pain inflicted seem worthwhile; and it must be in keeping with the themes rather than militating against them.

#trope talk #writing advice #writing #romance tropes #lbfad #tteotm #f4 thailand #love between fairy and devil #till the end of the moon #moulin rouge #pride and prejudice #crash landing on you #cloy #another miss oh

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