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a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire · 5 months

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Okay, second post, this ones mostly about Feyre because honestly, as of chapter 3 I havent really noticed Tamlin being out of character and from what Ive heard his character assassination was supposed to happen very quickly. Idk, right now he just seems like the same guy but traumatized although I'll fully admit that I didnt care that much for him outside of the Feylin romance (which was pretty sweet but too boring for me) so maybe I just didnt pay enough attention to him to fully grasp his character

Feyre is frustrating to me right now because I dont think shes out of character either, right now shes also just the same woman but traumatized, but like, I already know the extent to which her character will be bent for the sake of Rhysand. In these first three chapters she literally thinks something along the lines of "What's there for me to do but sit at home and spend Tamlin's money" Tell me, what does she end up doing in the night court huh????

Another thing thats frustrating is that Feyre clearly has issues communicating her feelings and wants, I know because I also had issues with that, and instead of learning that very valuable skill of telling others about your inner world and trying to work on her relationships (with both Tamlin and with her sisters), shes just gonna end up with a guy who can read her mind so theres no need for her to challenge herself and grow in any way. Yay. One thing especially stuck out to me in this regard was her attituide towards wearing dresses. Feyre does not like wearing dresses, its not like she never got to wear them back at home even though she wanted to, she just doesnt like wearing them in her day-to-day life, but she feels like she has to because she thinks its what Tamlin wants and because she thinks that if she wears pants its gonna somehow signal to the citizens of the spring court that something is incredibly wrong. But again, she doesnt tell anyone this, she doesnt ask Tamlin if he can just explain to everyone that everything is fine and that Feyre just has an unconventional way of dressing, which he would probably be fine with if its still the same guy from the first book. And it doesnt even seem like Tamlin directly made any kind of comment to her about the dresses she wears, she just saw that he was happy when he saw her wear them, which couldve well been him being happy to see her in general but she doesnt even consider that

Theres also the fact that its very unclear what she wants/what her problem is. Now, this actually isnt something that bothers me that much on its own, Feyre is traumatized and lost, obviously she doesnt know exactly what she wants at this point beyond "the situation Im in sucks and makes me feels bad, I want to get out", I think what bothers me is mostly the knowledge that Tamlin is gonna get blamed for a lot of this stuff when its really not his fault.

And I do want to make it clear that I dont think hes doing a great job handling this situation, I know a lot of people in the acotar critical sphere find his actions understandable and justifiable from his perspective and thats true, but hes still doing a bad job handling Feyre's emotional state. Like, one of your beloved's main issues is that she feels horrible because she feels trapped at home, for the love of god just let her go outside on her own. Maybe send her to village thats far inland or close to the border to the mortal realm, surely those monsters are not gonna manage to come that far if youre all going on patrols to kill them as soon as possible. And even if they do, the people of any village are gonna bend over backwards in order to protect their capital c Cursebreaker, shes gonna be fine

But, to get back to my original point, even if Tamlin was a daemati or whatever like Rhys and could read her mind the way she needs it to be read, he would still not be able to figure out what exactly Feyre needs right now because she doesnt know it herself! I literally read all of her thoughts and I dont know! Does she want to help others and be responsible for a whole bunch of people because its what shes always known to do? Does she want to avoid resonsibility for now because she wants to recover from her traumatic childhood of having the responsibility of keeping her family alive on top of all the new UTM-trauma? Its hard to say and that makes sense for Feyre at this point in her life, but she cant just blame people for not understanding her when she doesnt properly understand herself and refuses tl verbalize her feelings

Anyway, thats it for today, hope you enjoyed this

#anti acomaf #anti sjm #anti feysand #feyre critical #tamlin critical #flames and darkness liveblog

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nonbinaryresource · 1 year

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hmmmm not sure how to phrase this exactly, but I've been looking through the questioning tag and thought I could try just asking specifically. (Sorry it got quite long!)

I'm pretty sure watching too many trans tiktoks did not make me nonbinary, but it sure brought up questions. Mainly, what if relating to nonbinary/trans experiences in my case is just that, relating? I'm thinking I might be nonbinary or trans, all because I suck at almost everything considered my gender, from looks to skills and so my "disphoria" is me not liking how others see me, rather than it being my body. I don't want to be my body to people first and then my person, besides I get the feeling top surgery would make me look and feel aesthetically cooler lol but that's just me

Is that a thing or I'm just extremely in denial?

Not sure if you caught the study we were just reblogging on how dysphoria and transness is not caused by "social contagion" like tiktoks, but if not, it feels relevant to link.

Researchers from the Fenway Institute disproved the theory of "rapid-onset gender dysphoria" (RODG) and determined that "social contagion" does not influence gender identity in the largest study of its kind, published earlier this month in Pediatrics journal.

"The hypothesis that transgender and gender diverse youth assigned female at birth identify as transgender due to social contagion does not hold up to scrutiny and should not be used to argue against the provision of gender-affirming medical care for adolescents," Dr. Alex S. Keuroghlian, the study's senior author and director of Fenway's National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center, and the Massachusetts General Hospital Psychiatry Gender Identity Program, said in a statement.

But I'm gonna focus on the idea of "what if I just relate to trans experiences but aren't trans?"

Okay.

So.

What if you do?

What?

Then what?

You...find out more about yourself?

You...discover new things about your own feelings and comfort?

You...consider all of the options and come to decide on which label is best for you to adopt?

I'm not seeing a downside here. I'm not seeing anything to panic about. The transphobes have turned exploration and experimentation into the boogeyman. Life is about exploration and experimentation. Capitalism has absolutely ruined us. It's ridiculous to expect children who aren't even done psychologically developing yet to know and pick their life path and dedicate the rest of their life to it, including going thousands of dollars in debt to get a degree if necessary. It's ridiculous to expect people to not explore and experiment and have some damn fun in life, whether that's trying out 60 different jobs to find something that they want to do or discarding and picking up a new hobby each every single week to find what they actually find enjoyable or playing around with genders/sexualities/names/pronouns/clothes/etc. to figure out their feelings and better get to know who they are.

There is nothing - NOTHING - inherently wrong, bad, or immature about exploration and experimentation in life period.

So what if you relate to trans experiences but are actually cis? So what you identify as trans now for whatever length of time and change how you label later? So what?

I am so tired of the idea that anybody knows what they are doing ever. Nobody knows! We're all just making it up! The imposter syndrome we're putting everyone through for every aspect of their lives - from their jobs to their hobbies to their genders to their sexualities - is out of control. The society we have built is not meant for people. And that's incredibly, incredibly heartbreaking.

People should be allowed to play and explore and experiment!

People should be allowed to grow and change!

People should be allowed to be confused and unsure!

People should be allowed to not know!

People should be allowed to try on identities like we try on clothes at the store!

Fuck the self-gaslighting society is pressuring you to put yourself through.

I don't care what you know for sure. I don't care if you're going by a label you're unsure of. I don't care if you're going by a label you know is technically not the most accurate. I don't care if you stuck up a bunch of identity labels on a dart board, threw a dart, and decided to identify as that one. I'm here for you. The messy, confused, complex, hard to understand you. The real you.

Could it be a thing that you relate to trans experiences, don't really relate to cis experiences, and yet are cis? Sure. (Slightly tangential, but I think you might get some food for thought out of this piece of writing.)

But don't sit here thinking you have to identify as cis because you don't have "proof" of being trans. That's not a thing. It's just what the transphobes want you to think. You can identify as any damn thing you want (let's avoid cultural appropriation, though!), even if you're only 0.5% thinking you might be that thing.

If you think you might be nonbinary, practice not giving into the thoughts like "but I can't really be nonbinary because I'm only just now thinking about it". Practice letting yourself try out being nonbinary! For at least several months, unless it's just too terrible and you realize right away that it's not right for you. Don't debate on this or put yourself through a court of law or beat yourself down. Just let yourself be nonbinary. In a couple months, then come back to the questions of "is this right for me?".

And there is no "right" or "wrong" reason to identify with whatever identity. Some people identify as nonbinary because they have a very specific, pinpointable, non-binary gender. Others identify as nonbinary because they're not really sure but nonbinary makes them the most comfortable. Others identify as nonbinary because they want to be nonbinary. Others identify as nonbinary because they don't relate to or don't understand or don't want to identify with the binarily gendered structure of our society. Whatever your reasoning, it's both valid and nobody else's business (though ofc you can tell anybody why if it's what YOU want to do).

~Mod Pluto

P.S. If anything in this ask comes off as angry or frustrated, it is not with you. It is towards society and bigots who purport attitudes that harm people, even if in seemingly "little" ways like making them feel like they can't trust their own feelings.

#nonbinary #questioning #self doubt #self gaslighting #ask #trans #genderqueer #gender #mod pluto #experimentation #exploration #identity #labels

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kahvilahuhut · 2 months

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wip questions tag

thank you @sunset-a-story for tagging me!!!!!!! (and sorry it took me a while sjfjfjfjfj)

tagging @void-botanist @avi-why @televisionjester and anyone else who wants to do this :3

1. What was the first part of your WIP that you created?

Worldbuilding!!! I've always loved Mars (influenced by Doom probably? i just think it's neat :]) and the idea of a whole society on Mars is just very cool for me. All the possibilities and things that can go wrong. And the political debates.......

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the intro song be?

HMMMMM this one is hard bc i absolutely su k at picking music for story playlists and this is waaaaaay harder. I think I would love it to be instrumental or smth tho!

That said I would soooo much rather have it become a video game, and and if I were to pick a song for a trailer I'd go with either Black Mambo by Glass Animals or something from Depeche Mode. My brain is currently telling me to go with "Pain That I'm Used To" but I wouldn't say it fits Cynosure that well KFKKFFKFKFK

3. Who are your favourite character(s) and why?

Tobyyyyyyy <3 I love him so much he is such a...guy. He's some guy. A chemist who has spent a bit too much reading his dad's books about social theory and stuff since he was a child. All he wants is that people would be happy and he has so much love to give for the world, which mostly means him helping people a lot (people pleaser guy). Tobias isn't really that special, he wants to do something he likes, he's scared of guns (for a reason) and just wants a calm new life. Too bad that's not happening for a while.

To think he started as a copy of Nathan I made for a The Outer Worlds playthrough and then it all kinda turned into a bigger thing and he became his own self and I just decided to pull him + Klara & others out of being fandom ocs and put them into Cynosure.

putting the rest of questions under read more <3

4. What other pieces of media could share a fan base with your WIP?

HMMMM I'd say basically any kind of scifi book that has some societal themes in it + has some comedy and stuff. Same for video games maybe?

5. What has been your biggest struggle while writing your WIP?

I'm going to be honest I haven't really started writing Cynosure yet JFBBFBFFKF

My biggest struggle is having a job and being a master's student basically hehe

6. Are there any animals in your story?

Haven't really figured out if I'd want to showcase Mars wildlife in it + what kind of wildlife would it be, BUUUUT!!! There's definitely Klara & Toby's cat, Melody. She's a lil tabby cat :3

7. How do your characters get around?

I'm a public transport fan so I'm putting public transport into my wip!!!! I'd say Mars has lots of fancy trains and the ocean area has ships. Buses, too, though probably not what Cynosure characters will end up using.

There's also cars and motorcycles, though they're hovering instead of having wheels. Mars terrain sucks for wheels.

8. What part of your WIP are you working on right now?

Figuring out the plot + finishing up worldbuilding <3

9. What aspects of your WIP do you think will draw people in?

Hmmmm! I'd love to say worldbuilding or like, whatever is going on in Mars power struggles. Making fun of capitalism too (i'm a social scientist), maybe even the characters? Who knows :^)

#💥 cynosure #tag game #writeblr #writeblr wip

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irrealisms · 2 years

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hi! for that ask game, uh, i don't super know what i can reasonably expect you to have opinions about, so i am hoping this will work better if i give you a list and you can pick and choose stuff to have opinions about? ☕️+ [c!phil, c!sam, hannibal (the show in general, or just the guy if you want), pangolins, love (as a concept / as it applies to your own life / a specific flavour of it / whatever), the history of science]

c!phil - i am TRYING to like him okay i am TRYING. i. like him more than i used to. definitely. he's a super interesting character! i want to like him! unfortunately when it comes down to it i am just... ultimately not really a c!phil fan. pensive emoji.

c!sam - i loooooooove him. representation of autistics who just kind of suck and are bad people. he is so rigid and bad at understanding people and bad at plans changes and especially bad at not responding by digging himself deeper and he has a complicated relationship to [personhood], he is part of the machine that eats people and he is an awful person-machine and he never asked why do you want this horrifying prison made, just how do you want it made, and he follows instructions to the T long after it no longer makes any sense for him to do so and sometimes he enjoys the cruelty and sometimes he doesn't and either way he continues being awful in this terrible methodological way because it is too worn into him to do anything else. i love the parallels between him and c!dream, between these two sadists who made their own prison. i love his desperation to be doing a good job and obeying all the rules and i love his deep and abiding misery that comes from it and i love his power trip that comes from it and i love his self-justifications and his insistence on always doubling down rather than admitting defeat. i love the way he is both a dom and a sub (not in a sexual way but in a deeper way of relating to the world) because he gets an awful sort of enjoyment out of Enforcing Justice And Rules on others but also he does it to himself & he wants so badly for someone else to take control of his life and pat him on the head and tell him he's doing a good job. he is Crushing and Being Crushed! i love. my local Buried TMA Avatar .

hannibal - HANNIBAL MY ONE TRUE LOVE....... watched s1 for the first time when i was 13 and it dug its way deep into my brain and will not be coming out ever. the capital-r Romance of it all!!!! sometimes i think all i ever want is to be in a relationship like that, all-consuming and hungry and conjoined and eating and being eaten, understanding and being understood on a level no one else can touch, and then i remember that's why i go to church. other times i think, this is horrifying, this is abusive, why does no one see or acknowledge that this is horrifyingly abusive, like-- i realize that there is Murder involved as well but the fandom is so victim blame-y and buys into all of hannibal's rhetoric without acknowledging the power dynamic and it's so profoundly uncomfortable sometimes-- i realize there is sexism and racism in the show which we can talk about all day long but the show is so profoundly anti-ableist in a way almost no tv shows are and the fandom is so!! fucking!!! ableist!!!!! it's about love and it's about the things we do to survive and it's about trauma bonding and it romanticizes all of these things in a way that rings very true to the experience and also gives me very very complicated feelings sometimes and. screams. also it doesn't care about consensus reality but in a way that is realer than real, truer than true. it taught me a surprising amount of pretty high-level literary analysis when i was in the fandom back when i still read meta for it obsessively instead of largely giving up on the fandom in disgust. we construct fairy tales, and we accept them.

pangolins - i'm a fan. he's just a little guy!!!!!!!!

love - ooooh this is a complicated one. it is so broad. i love so many things and so many people, at least in English, in the ways we define the borders of [love]. i fall in love so easily, much easier than i fall out of love. part of what made Christianity appealing, maybe, is agape. i want, have always wanted, to love everyone. this connects to hannibal, a little, and also to ender's game, and to a wind in the door. when you understand someone, no matter how horrible they are, you cannot fail to love them, the same way you understand and thereby love yourself. love your neighbor as yourself. the existence of a creator implies the existence of a loving creator; to will someone's existence is the same as to will their good, because [what good-for-someone is] is [Being-themselves]. i don't find that argument wholly persuasive on its own but there's a seed in there that is compelling. love is not always unterrible; cf hannibal again. love can be monstrous. i think a lot about john darnielle's quote about love love love--quite possibly my favorite song of all time--

The point of the song is, you know, that we are fairly well damaged by the legacy of the Romantic poets--that we think of love as this, you know, thing that is accompanied by strings and it's a force for good, and if something bad happens then that's not love. And the therapeutic tradition that I come from--I used to work in therapy--you know, also says that it's not love if it feels bad. I don't know so much about that. I don't know that the Greeks weren't right. I think they were--that love can eat a path through everything--that it will destroy a lot of things on the way to its own objective, which is just its expression of itself, you know. I mean, my stepfather loved his family, right? Now he mistreated us terribly quite often, but he loved us. And, you know, well, that to me is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing a lot of what I perceive as terrible damage in the way people talk about this--love is this benign, comfortable force. It's not that. It's wild, you know?

it is still love. bad and destructive love is still love but it's not good, necessarily. i find it beautiful anyway & this is what i mean when i say hannibal dug its way into my brain. i talked about love coming from understanding but it doesn't have to, always, i don't think; that is a certain sort of love but there are others. some people i don't understand at all & i wonder if i ever did & i still love them deeply & will never be able to stop. there was a girl (is she still a girl? i don't know. i knew her as a girl) i spent every tuesday with in elementary school and we would go to the pool and afterwards we would eat cookies and popcorn and watch mythbusters. i have not talked to her since i broke up with her, the summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school (has it really been seven years?), and we were terrible for each other but whenever i think of her i hope she is doing well. that's love, too, i think. whenever i talk with my parents we are both of us never sure what to say, and i spend much of the conversation uncomfortable and confused, and neither side really understands the world the other grew up with and lived in, and we never will, and we would both do almost anything for each other no questions asked, and we end every conversation i love you / i love you too. sometimes love is about the not understanding and loving them anyway, about my dad watching mcc with me or me watching hallmark movies with my dad. it's complicated. love is not just one thing.

the history of science - i think it's beautiful of people, and very human of us, to always be curious. to be trying to figure it out. people sometimes frame science and religion as opposed; i was too [raised on madeline l'engle] to ever go in for that, i think. if a religion is about knowledge and truth and beauty then science is no threat to it; if it's not, what's the point? certainly i know too many science people to have ever believed that science and art, or [knowing how something works] and [appreciating its beauty] are opposed! see this xkcd and this comic. so I love the history of science in that... people have always been doing this. people have always been loving things and trying to figure out how they work and rejoicing in the knowledge. but it's also complicated, because the history of science is often horrifying, is people papering over atrocities if they get in between themselves and the shining beautiful thing that they love, or taking and using the knowledge that they get to create the atrocities. but also i know that this dialectic is just... how humans are. cf. my answer about love, again. sometimes love is destructive.

#therapists dni

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superiorjello · 2 years

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Jello Watches Not Me The Show

Part 1:

So I went in knowing "BL, main character joins an anarchist gang, it's based off of GOT7 fic" which was surprisingly little considering what I just got wholloped in the face with.

Reaction time. There will be spoilers.

Twins. Okay. Cool. Black and White is a little on the nose when you're coming at it from an English perspective (reminds me of Fuhrer King Bradley) but I'm sure it makes more sense as a Thai naming thing (cause honestly their whole nickname system is awesome and I love it).

What do you mean THEIR HEARTS ARE LINKED is it MAGIC or something?

Splitting the twins up with no contact whatsoever just seems cruel.

Their dad is kind of a dick. Also smarmy party is smarmy.

OF COURSE HE HAS AN ATTACK

How does his dad not instantly recognize it was a twin-heart attack or whatever?

WHO IS THIS GUY AND HOW THE HELL DID HE GET WHITE'S NUMBER?

I wonder if they let Black be so beaten up in that scene so they could just use a body double and didn't have to shoot all the Black shots with the same actor and then edit it. Cause usually they let characters just be "prettily bruised" in this kinda show.

Wow, White just goes all-in on the body modification and I am here for it. I hope he keeps it for pranking opportunities once Black is back too.

How does he expect to live a double life though, being both Black and White does not seem sustainable.

HE IS SO BAD AT PRETENDING TO BE BLACK HOLY SHIT like I will give him an initial pass for not knowing his brother for years but if he's gonna go all in on this plan he kinda needs to sell it after a day or two of studying how people react around him...

2 second long motorcycle lesson

THEY JUST STRAIGHT UP BURN A HOUSE

PAINT VANDAL CINDERELLA AND ANARCHIST PRINCE CHARMING

"I want to quit." "Haha, funny joke dude. Just chill for a day and you'll feel better."

I love the middle-class student rubbing White's nose in his own privilege. He deserves it. YES SEE THE IMBALANCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM HAVE A WHOLE "Oh, THIS is why my brother is doing this" MOMENT!

Garage-owner guy: why don't you stay here for a while, I'll train you up some more.

Me: ah, so at least one person here has figured it out

YEAH, YOU TELL YOUR DAD, WHITE!

and they were roommates OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES

Stupidest room search ever. What are you even looking for?

THEYRE HOLDING HANDS

Sean and White can have some cuddles. As a treat.

Okay I honestly just got so engrossed I forgot to react for a while.

His plan for meeting Black's ex was weird tho. Not a great plan. And seriously WHO IS THIS RANDOM FRIEND OF BLACKS? HE OWNS A TOWER? His dad did import/export so that's sketchy as fuck.

Sean keeps reminding White that Black is an asshole and he's like "oh right, gotta be a dick" like, Sean, just suck it up and deal with having an angel around now.

Sean: gotta end capitalism, starting with this guy

White: yeah, but you gotta LIVE THROUGH IT TOO

Manufacturer Heist aka can no one plan anything well in this group?

The complex system of dealing with bad employers but causing loss of income to the most vulnerable of their workers IS A REAL ISSUE AND I LOVE THEM FOR ADDRESSING IT

THE PROTEST SCENES THOUGH

THE GIANT GAY FLAG THOUGH

White: dancing around and so clearly not Black

Sean: heart eyes, motherfucker

THE HAND HOLDING THOUGH

So Cinderella-cop should quit the cop job, honestly, but NFT's? Really?

FOR THE LOVE OF RAMEN WOULD SEAN AND WHITE JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY

Side note is that the same ramen sponsor as KinnPorsche? I feel like it is.

#not me the series #not me the show #thai drama #jello speaks #gotta go sleep before i watch more

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chellyfishing · 5 months

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today i’m thinking about personal responsibility. putting it under a cut cause i expect it to be a bit of a ramble.

so, here’s the thing. we live in a society, and it sucks. it doesn’t accommodate huge numbers of people, and it normalizes a lot of really harmful beliefs. though there are a range of cultures around the world i don’t think there are any who don’t do this, but obviously some are better about it than others.

and it shouldn’t be like this. but no matter what, there would always be a measure of personal responsibility to take. society can make us worse people but we always have the choice to do better on our own.

this isn’t my point or the main thing i’m thinking about today but a big example of this is with mental illness. as someone who has that so bad the us government considers me disabled and unable to work, obviously i am hugely sympathetic to anyone who is dealing with that. if any of my friends are struggling, my inbox and arms are always open to them. society should do more to accommodate us, and like with physical disability, none of us should be forced to live in poverty because our inability to produce capital for others has made us “less worthy.” (huge air quotes around that. the biggest you can imagine.) we deserve support and accommodations and the ability to live well, just like everyone else does!!

here’s where the topic at hand comes in: having a mental illness is a job of its own, and you can’t quit it. it means you have to do more work than other people, and that sucks. it’s not fair. but you have to do it. you have to find the right treatment (therapy, medication, something else, but something), you have to follow through on that, you have to learn and implement skills for managing your symptoms. you have to do it and you cannot expect other people to do it for you. if you want others to help and support you (and you deserve that!!) you have got to meet them halfway. you cannot expect them to reshape their entire worlds for you. you have got to try. it’s hard and you will not always succeed but you have to try.

the same thing goes for harmful internalized beliefs about things like gender, sexuality, race, and so on. for example, it’s very common for women to have internalized misogyny! and we unfortunately have to do the work of overcoming that within ourselves. many women don’t. many women choose to be misogynist. many women give up and decide to participate in harmful systems and become tools of their own oppressors.

and the same thing goes for (and here i take a deep breath) toxic masculinity. people who have internalized that and are hurting as a result will often blame women and feminism, and let’s pretend for a second they’re right! guess what: you still have to do the work to help yourself, no matter whose “fault” it is.

like, it makes me really sad when men say they don’t have any close male friends. that SUCKS. no cap, hate that for you. i would not be alive without my friends, and i still struggle with loneliness because none of them are local, but at least i have people who are there for me like i try to be there for them.

here’s where my point comes in: well, guy… have you tried… talking to other men? i know it’s hard, but you can still do it. you have already done the first step of recognizing that the reason you don’t have close male friends is because you know you and other men have been shamed for that kind of thing in the past. that is, genuinely, an amazing start. the next step is to do something about it. i’m not saying immediately send a dm to john or abdul spilling your guts. but maybe if one of the men you know is behaving in a way that seems off, like they seem especially angry or passive-aggressive or run-down, you can send a dm or text or whatever saying hey, is there something going on? they may not be ready to talk, but like. you’re trying. and you have to try. you are not going to overcome this loneliness and isolation without trying.

and i know that there are people who read this and say “it’s not so easy!” i’m not saying it’s easy. like i said, mental health and recovery is my job. i know how hard things are. they aren’t going to get any easier by avoiding them. you have try to be strong, you have to try to be brave, you have to take the risk that maybe you’ll be embarrassed or hurt or something, but you have to try!! no one else is going to do it for you!!

and guess what. if all else fails, look into therapy. you can say whatever you want to a therapist, they are paid to listen to you, and if they breathe a word of any of it they get jail for one thousand years (actually i’m not sure what the penalty is but i know there is one!). you can even say, i want a male therapist, because then they’ll understand what it’s like to be a man and know where you’re coming from!

ANYWAY. this is just a bugbear of mine. i have encountered more than one person who used their mental illness as an excuse to wreak havoc on the lives of others and refused to take any accountability for any of it. obviously that makes me angry. women who are misogynist? furious. there is work involved and you have to be the one to do it. it is hard and you will not always succeed but. you have to try.

okay. i have vented my spleen to the void. I don’t think anyone who needs to see this will, and i don’t think they’d take it to heart if they did, because this is the piss on the poor website. but like. man. please. all of you. try. that’s all.

#deep thoughts

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redpusea · 1 year

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A raw post about what being a sex worker is really like;

The betrayal of yourself, lying to yourself that it’s okay that people push and walk all over your boundaries which are pushed and pulled, squeezed, slapped, spit on, torn apart, resulting in bruises, bleeding, gashes, maladaptive coping mechanisms (this part might just an undercooked prefrontal cortex and lack of good role models possibly) and a deep feeling of something being wrong.

Deep down this feeling of something being wrong is pretty normal and I think most workers can probably relate to it, when you have a menial job or tasks you wonder why you deserve to eat when there are people starving, you give $50 to the homeless but you know it isn’t going to help them for long as you know how bad the support system is. You’ve seen the puss leaking from the proverbial wound that capitalism creates.

You were never taught what real love is just the kind that hurts… sometimes but not all the time, sometimes they’re really nice and treat you really well. Like the on and off relationship based in loneliness and partial compatible dysfunction, like cogs that fit really well for 2 gears then get jammed and jarred until they align again rinsing and repeating.

At times it feels easy but most of the time its like you are now a therapist who knows she doesn’t qualify or nearly get paid enough to do this and there is no spirit, it left her body when he didn’t bring cash even though she clearly stated beforehand multiple times but she can’t afford to ditch this client otherwise she wont have a place to stay next week, or maybe it left when he stealthed the condom she’s still not sure exactly but will think about it when she should be sleeping.

She wishes she could be who she wanted to be and do what she wanted to do, like reading or talking to classmates about community projects but she is reminded that she has responsibilities to meet, things she has to do, people she has to do, men with wives she has to do, men with children, why aren’t they spending time with their children? She already knows the answer because she is paid to be with them, they are unbearable almost repulsive in the way they hold their entitled, bigoted beliefs, swinging them around sometimes proudly other times under the veneer of being “wise” whatever the fuck mate, it is no wonder they have to pay people to sleep with them.

She once said it was liberating, and there is a part of financial security that comes after a big pay day that is liberating, sucking cock like the absolute cock destroyer you are for 6 hours to make what a wage slave makes in a week feels liberating until the next week comes around and the possibility of not knowing if the client could have potentially given you chlamidya or if you just forgot to brush your teeth last night. Either way you push it to the back of your mind where you put all the other nawing bits of information go. She learns this isn’t healthy and leads to a reduced amount of mental capacity and is why she starts crying at the idea of having to do militant style school work that has no real net benefit. But luckily she finds coping mechanisms that help, things that she wants to learn that will actually help people and country but there is still that feeling of something being wrong.

She can’t fix everything but she tries to make the most of her time by balancing rest, work and play actually being alone with herself and figuring out herself not always analysing others and what they like but what she likes and how she is connected to a larger whole. She offers gratitude to exist, even within the suffering as light, gentle, calm, breath, peace and love are all possible sometimes too or maybe she just a schizoid bitch who needs a better sleeping pattern, good night

She wants people to know how young she was when she started and that no one should have to be forced into labour to pay for necessities, it doesn’t make for innovation it just breeds ignorance for a better way for all. A way that would create so much unimaginable wealth, wealthier than the wealthiest, not in terms of monetary value but in intellectual and spiritual value.

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edwad · 2 years

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Hey edwad, hope you're having a good day. I remember a few years back you had a reading list divided into different 'levels' (beginner, intermediate, advanced) for understanding Marxism; I also remember that you don't rate this list very highly any more. I was wondering if, amongst your reading lists, you have a reading list you'd particularly recommend for "beginners"? Maybe like a top 10 list of books by Marx and other people building on him? Thanks in advance for your help if you have time to answer this & thank you for the work you share with us here!

ive been sitting on this ask for a while sorta frustrated bc ive released tons of reading lists over the course of several years but they're often not very good (like that one you mention lol) or my ideas have changed so much that earlier attempts at offering a particular pathway to approaching marx and the literature around him becomes untenable (probably almost everything i posted until 2016 or so id say). this isn't perfect by any means but here's a kind of rough outline for now of things that ive found useful with some amount of consistency as ive grown more comfortable in my reading of marx.

1. the worldly philosophers - robert heilbroner

doesn't actually have to be heilbroner necessarily, but i think having a decent overview of the history of economic thought before marx in your head will do a lot for you (rubin's is great too, if you're looking to do a deep dive). in heilbroner's case, it's probably fine to stop at the marx chapter (which is bad) if that's all you're working toward. optionally, if you feel like you ought to read some intellectual-biographical information on marx and how he relates to political economy, you can probably get away with ernest mandel's the formation of the economic thought of karl marx or (even better imo, but less beginner friendly) allen oakley's the making of marxs critical theory. and of course eventually heinrich's marx bio once he gets further in. all that being said, i wouldn't really dissuade you from reading all of heilbroner (or whatever other history of econ you might read) either, especially since the history of economic thought doesn't end with marx!

2. an introduction to the three volumes of karl marxs capital - michael heinrich

no surprise here, this is the standard for bringing people into the fold. it gripped me when i first read it back in ~2017 and i haven't let go since. as i have typically said, to me it reads more like an intervention rather than an introduction, so some familiarity with the secondary literature would benefit you (if only to know what heinrich is talking about/arguing against when he's going on about worldview marxism and substantialism). i feel like alex callinicos' the revolutionary ideas of karl marx is an incredibly good primer for this purpose, ie a book which makes the classical case for the incredibly stubborn kinds of things that marxists often believe. so in a sense, if you don't know what heinrich and others are talking about, read some callinicos and you'll have a better idea of what heinrich is pushing back against. but don't confuse this with an endorsement for callinicos lol he sucks and his book is bad.

3. value - frederick harry pitts

this is part of a series on political economy and this particular book is meant to be an overview of theories of value and what they try to do, but at its core is an argument about the ambivalence of the theory of value at the heart of marx's critique of political economy and what its implications are. pitts does a great job of making the case for a relational/field theory of value in marx contra the substantialist/conservation theory of value which is also in marx but is a lingering artifact from his failure to completely break with the political economists before him. heinrich gets cited a bunch so it's a pretty natural transition out of his capital intro, but it really hones in on this particular element and teases some things out that aren't in heinrich while still basically being a kind of popular political economy book. once heinrich's science of value comes out in english, it'll offer the fuller argument for those wanting to know more about this stuff.

4. there's no such thing as the economy - sam chambers

putting the heilbroner aside for a moment, this and the 2 books before it constitute a kind of holy trinity for me in terms of introducing people to this particular kind of reading of marx and what it means. chambers' tiny book is made up of 3 chapters, the first being a pretty concrete (almost journalistic) telling of the evils of wells fargo but the last 2 are ultimately concerned with marx as a kind of genealogist of classical political economy and making a case for a particular kind of reading which describes what it does as "value form theory", in a specific sense while offering a brief history about what that means and who it draws from as influences (heinrich's work, yes, but also rubin's essays on marxs theory of value and pashukanis' law & marxism: a general theory, which could both easily be on this list as well!). this book, and the lecture which led me to it (on "the labor theory of value as a capitalist fairy tale" which is on youtube), has had a pretty massive impact on me and ive since been encouraging everyone on earth to read it, which is made easier by the fact that the publisher (punctum books) offers the ebook for free online. i'll also be doing a panel with him and soren mau (author of mute compulsion) next month for red may so by the time you (or anyone else reading this) decides to check it out, there might be a video online of me talking to him about the book! which is exciting.

5. marx's inferno - william clare roberts

this is an extremely frustrating book for me because i think the primary marxological thrust of the book (that marxs exposition in v1 of capital is deliberately structured after dante's inferno) is ridiculous. i also think that the political case that WCR wants to make (that marx was a heterodox owenite/radical republican) is interesting, and probably even correct, but doesn't really convince me to care or share that exact political vision. what the book does INSANELY well though is to contextualize marx's capital in the debates of the socialist literature at the time and especially to hammer out marxs relationship to proudhon. in the meantime, the inferno stuff makes for entertaining and even sometimes illuminating literary dress, but can be neatly separated from the rest without any harm. the republican stuff, again, is probably fine marxology on its own, but can also be read negatively as a critique of domination (ie, as having some particular political implications) without it necessarily meaning we all ought to copy marx's specific political vision simply because he held one. WCR, as a kind of crypto-althusserian, also has the benefit of wanting to avoid some of the typical hegel-ese one might usually encounter in a book like this so instead he is forced to make his arguments in a much clearer way (more or less beginner friendly), if sometimes a little awkward for those of us that know there are perfectly good words he's deliberately trying to avoid. anyway, i let the inferno stuff put me off to this book for too long but when i read it i was mad at myself because of how good it really is.

so this is i guess like a "top 5" of sorts (with plenty of optional/follow-up reading thrown in lol), but the unifying principle is getting the most out of marx's critique of political economy so none of this really stands as a replacement to the real thing. ultimately i recommend reading capital, especially alongside heinrich's new how to read marx's capital which was published last year and generated a lot of good discussion for my own reading group when we used it in the fall/winter.

if i wanted to, i could add more that are increasingly beginner unfriendly (postone's time labor and social domination immediately comes to mind) as well as several books that i love to recommend but maybe don't contribute as much toward orienting yourself to a particular reading of marx (geoff mann's in the long run we are all dead is a long-time favorite of mine on keynesianism from a marxy perspective that i think everyone even remotely politically serious should read, if i can indulge just a little), however the list would lose its coherence and probably quickly turn into something way more demanding than anyone could (or would want to) read.

so there you have it, hope this is useful

#communism

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jackiebrackettt · 2 years

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ctubbo pickpockets cranboo + there's magic involved au backstory moment hashtag pog! putting this under the cut just right now because i don't have a good intro paragraph and also this is super long. things are subject to change as i think about the plot more but this is what i'm working with currently:

SO. Quick overview of L’Manburg/Manberg (this is not the country the fic is set in)

L’Manburg - referred to as Manberg - is a country that was governed by Schlatt. It’s been around for a while so no characters had any input in its creation. Manberg City is the capital city and where these guys all lived however i’m also just going to refer to it as manberg

tubbo lived with tommy and wilbur and sometimes fundy in manberg. Tommy, wilbur and tubbo are “kinda brothers” with tommy and wilbur playing into it a lot more and tubbo not really sure where he stands because he showed up later. Not really that important just some context for the wording tubbo chooses when talking about them. Fundy is still wilbur’s son but neither tommy nor tubbo really understand that whole situation with regard to ages and just stopped asking

quackity, tommy and tubbo were all friends and quackity helped tubbo get a job as schlatt’s secretary for money so he could help support the family. Quackity is the vice president, schlatt is the president. quackity is sort of in denial about how bad schlatt is at this point in time. He kept warning tubbo that schlatt is kind of an asshole but tubbo wanted a job so yeah

a couple weeks in and tubbo realises he can sell country secrets to rebels trying to take down schlatt. He does so bc yeah schlatt sucks. Eventually wilbur catches on and asks tubbo to spy for him - as he is also a rebel trying to take schlatt down. Tubbo agrees but that means that wilbur had to let tommy into the rebel group or whatever and tommy became his right hand man you all know how it goes

Fundy is also part of this group but leaves eventually due to becoming disillusioned with wilbur’s tactics and asks tubbo and quackity to get him a job near schlatt. This is so he can spy but he doesn’t tell anyone. He also doesn’t rat anyone out to schlatt based on knowledge he got before he left, but he starts becoming sympathetic to schlatt’s ideals

Brief interlude to explain that this is a mix of early l’manburg plot and pogtopia plot. Wilbur hasn’t spiraled to the extent that he did in pogtopia and this rebel plot is mimicking him standing up against the dream team not necessarily the pogtopia versus manberg plot. This is specifically because i believe the events that lead up to pogtopia are what caused him to spiral so much and there’s not really a way for me to mimic those events in this universe. Also Fundy’s disillusionment happened post-revolution in canon but considering this is a more drawn out timeline i think it fits

Eventually they have a festival, tubbo gets caught, blah blah blah. Quackity and fundy agree to help catch him because they think tubbo is just going to get put in jail for a bit. Quackity specifically mentions to fundy that he’s going to go talk tubbo onto their side (or at least out of the politics game) afterwards and then if he agrees they let him out early

Obviously this doesn’t happen as schlatt gets him blown up via techno rocket launcher (no 3 lives system here). Niki (yes!! She is here!!) stands up to schlatt as she does in canon and when she gets threatened with death, wilbur steps up to take attention off of her so she can run, like in canon. Unlike in canon, wilbur does get shot and dies here. sorry wilbur fans ): i figured this was the best way to get him out of the picture bc a good chunk of the plot i have just doesn’t work with him there but alsoooo there’s no way they’d go anywhere without him? So yeah. Niki goes on from this to create her safe haven underground city - still mixed feelings on wilbur! Even though this is more l’manburg wilbur, he never communicated his plans with her and also he died for her

Not going into too much detail about this bc it might show up in fic but tommy does get tubbo outta there and then they fucking dip and leave the country after they hear wilbur’s dead. Which is what leads them to the city the plot is actually set in

Extra character moments:

Fundy is magic because he’s a shapeshifter. Because he’s a shapeshifter, he ages quickly in his younger years which leads him to being wilbur’s son but also older than tommy and tubbo. Magic is something that’s sort of innate in a lot of specific people (shapeshifters, endermen, etc) but for straight up humans it’s something you need to actively learn. Apart from being able to shapeshift, fundy’s strengths lie in potion making and dreamon hunting! After the festival he leaves the country as well

Wilbur knows about magic but tries to avoid talking about it. He’s also a potion maker and that’s how he got most of his money in manberg. Tubbo and tommy thought he was selling drugs and sometimes they’d break into his potion making room and brew some random shit up but they never tried it because they were worried it would kill them because they didn’t know what they were doing lol

Shortly after the festival, schlatt dies and quackity becomes the president. A lot of people think he killed schlatt and that’s also why a lot of people end up voting for him in the next elections. He changes the name back to L’Manburg

Tubbo lost 4 fingers in the explosion, and his sight and hearing isn’t too good. He lost his ring fingers and pinky fingers. He obviously has a lot of scarring from what happened

Tommy’s backstory subject to more info as i think more about how role in the actual plot of the fic

Techno was part of wilbur’s rebel group and to some extent was still trying to take down manberg government after the events of the festival. I’m not keeping up with him because it’s not that important

Dream straight up doesn’t exist in the current plotline so i haven’t thought much about him in the backstory plotline but he is technically there doing his “in the shadows pulling the strings” stuff. The reason he doesn’t exist is because i’m not prepared to adapt his plot with tommy or ranboo into the fic. One is too heavy for me and the other is too complex. This is a ctubbo centric plot and i’m keeping it like that

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kinuskikakku · 2 years

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Dumb story time.

So, it feels like every leftist YouTuber and influencer or whatever has the hottest take of “jobs sure suck”, which I certainly believe is true. And what I mean is many of them have these stories about the various jobs they had before Patreon came along. And how those jobs generally sucked and capitalism is bad when it causes these kind of working conditions, and ever so forth. And yeah, totally agree with their assessment of working under capitalism.

HOWEVER

there is another part in my brain grooves that ends up going: “WELL BOOHOO for you! You know, I’d LOVE to have even a crappy job if I COULD but I CAN’T because my DISABILITY makes me unhireable! But yeah boohoo for your abled privilege of being able to get jobs!”

And that part of my brain is a stupid, idiotic goblin who is wrong.

Like on an intellectual level I am 110% aware that my situation is just as bad due to capitalist interests. Under capitalism I, as a disabled person, am seen as either just an unproductive or then any effort and money needed to accommodate me working isn’t seen as a worthy investment.

So uhhh.... take away from this is... capitalism is a shared enemy, and even if you have these kind of bitter thoughts sometimes it doesn’t make you bad. Or something.

#me babbling #disability #work #capitalism

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missroserose · 3 years

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Fic Writer Question Meme!

Thanks for the tag, @venhedish—I love stuff like this! I'd apologize in advance for how long this is likely to be, but I suspect we share that tendency, haha.

How many works do you have on AO3?

20 total. I've been publishing there since late 2018, so about three years now. That sounds right for me—I'm way too perfectionist to ever be prolific.

What's your total AO3 word count?

125,744! Apparently it takes me three years to write a novel's worth of words I feel are worth publishing...which also sounds right.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Three, primarily: The Lost Boys, Stranger Things, and Supernatural. Mostly Stranger Things, since I was pretty enmeshed in the Harringrove community for about a year and a half, though these days I'm hanging out more with the SPN crowd. We'll see if that translates to more fics.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1.) Sunflower (524) 2.) Quickly, look away (506) 3.) We'll Become Who We Meant To Be (383) 4.) Too Young To Fall In Love (333) 5.) When the Waters Start to Cross (283)

First, what's not surprising: all are Stranger Things/Harringrove works. I'm a little surprised to see that "Sunflower" had edged out "Quickly" as my most-kudosed story, for years it was the other way around—but maybe that's actually not that surprising—part of the reason I haven't been as active in the fandom is that I really love the darker and more complex renditions of Billy Hargrove's character (a la "Quickly") and since S3 aired it seems like the fashion has moved more towards more lighthearted fluff (a la "Sunflower"). Still, both are pretty undemanding smut, so it makes sense that they're on top; similarly, I'm not surprised to see "Too Young To Fall In Love" in the top five either.

I am a little surprised that "We'll Become Who We Meant To Be" is #3—it's honestly close to genfic, there's only the tiniest moment of hinted-at attraction in there. I'm not mad about it, I honestly feel like it's one of my better efforts; on the other hand, "Wake Me Up" was in a similar vein and it's close to the bottom. I guess there's just no telling what's going to catch on...in fairness, a 25K outsider POV novella is a much bigger ask than a 3K short story.

Honestly, I'm probably most surprised at "When the Waters Start to Cross" cracking the top five—it's a 52K+ WIP and a profoundly complex atmospheric existential horror/romance, which is, like, five strikes against it. I'm not mad about it, though—I love that fic, even if it is a huge time and energy suck, and it definitely contains some of my best writing.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do! Sometimes it takes me a while, but I genuinely appreciate people taking the time to leave feedback (even if it's just a string of emoji!). And every once in a while I'll get really thoughtful or incisive comments that spark whole conversations—that's one of the best reasons to write fic!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Hmm...to be honest, nothing immediately comes to mind; I love angst but tend to want it to serve a purpose, i.e. it gets a character closer to who they want to be. So most of my endings are at least hopeful. *checks list* It looks like probably my angstiest ending is also my first fic posted, "Blue Masquerade". Poor Michael.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've written?

I don't currently write crossovers; I wouldn't rule it out, but frankly I haven't come across an idea that appeals to me. Waaaaaay back in the mists of time I had a Daria/Harry Potter crossover that I was actually pretty proud of, but I got about as far as getting them to Hogwarts and then kinda ran out of ideas, so I never posted it.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not that I can think of? I'm not big-time enough to get hate, haha. Worst I ever got was some rando asking for top or bottom tags, which I just ignored, and one person on "We'll Become" who was like "I don't like this pairing but you did a good job", which kinda had me like ??? thanks, I guess? I did get one comment on "Quickly, look away" from someone who felt like it was in a different headspace from the fic I wrote it as a sequel to, but that didn't strike me as hate, it's a perfectly fair observation.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

So first off, yes, and second...I recently came across this great Garth Greenwell quote that really gets at what I'm trying to do when I write smut:

In America in 2019 we are inundated with images of bodies to an absolutely unprecedented degree—images of eroticized bodies, images of sexual bodies; the Internet makes all our fantasies visible, and it trains us in new fantasies. And yet it also seems to me that our culture suffers from a dearth of representations of embodiedness, by which I mean of bodies imbued with consciousness. I’m not at all antiporn, but sometimes pornography (maybe especially Internet pornography, with its arms race of extremity) seems to want to evacuate bodies of personhood, to present them as objects. I think literature is the best technology we have for representing consciousness, and so I think there’s a kind of intervention that literature can perform in representing sex explicitly: it can reclaim the sexual body as a site of consciousness.

"Embodied porn" is probably the best description I can come up with—I love writing sex precisely because it's such a charged form of communication (Greenwell's words again), because there are things a character can do and say in that context that they never would normally. Like, sex acts are great and all, but what really does it for me is what's going on in their head, what's the history that brought the character to this point, how're they handling the inherent vulnerability and intimacy of this incredibly risky but potentially rewarding moment. Kink (whether through roleplaying, props, costumes, or whatever) is really just another way of adding to that personal meaning, since without the characters' reactions any trappings are meaningless.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, although I'd love to work with a translator someday (whether with fic or another context)—I'm fascinated by the inherent puzzles in translating between languages, especially with informal speech and its many idioms and cultural references.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet! I'd be open to the idea, but it definitely has to be with the right person...

What's your all time favorite ship?

Isn't that basically like asking a mom to choose her favorite kid? Seriously, I like different things about all of them...which one's getting the most attention depends entirely on mood and headspace and other effectively random variables.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I don't have any I've given up on entirely, yet. Even Waters, as beastly complicated as it is, I've been ruminating on and adding to and arranging in my head lately...

What are your writing strengths?

Atmosphere, character, dialogue. I've said it before, I'm a capital-R Romantic at heart: I love writing settings that reflect and reinforce a character's headspace—while also implying what said character might be missing in their viewpoint.

Something I've noticed—my husband worked for years as a penetration tester, which meant he would regularly have to talk his way past people on a moment's notice. So, unsurprisingly, we both notice people, but he tends to observe their presentation (clothing, accessories, especially ones that're markers of social class and group belonging that allow him to tailor his approach), whereas I notice what they say and how they say it—and, often, what they don't say.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I suddenly feel like I'm in a job interview, haha. Perfectionism is a big one—I have a tendency to feel hopeless and quit if something's taking too long, rather than persisting until I get it sorted, even though some of my best work is stuff where I persisted. Also, I'm big on emotional intensity—which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, but I sometimes read back over my stuff and I'm like "geez, Ambrosia, ease up a bit"...I could definitely use some comic relief in my writing sometimes, but I think I'm often too insecure to try it.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don't have any in particular—I rarely do it myself, because I don't trust myself to do it properly. (Perfectionism again!)

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Daria, way back in the day. My work is still up on FF.net...sometimes I wonder if anyone's ever going to dig it up and confront me with it, haha. (I doubt anyone will ever care that much...I guess I'm more just curious if my style from twenty years ago is recognizably me.)

What's your favorite fic you've written?

If we're talking about finished fics, probably either "Wake Me Up" or "Young At Heart"—they're both pretty oddball, but both required a fuckton of work and both came out pretty close to what I wanted. But "Waters" is my biggest baby...maybe I'll open up Act III to work on today...

Thanks again for the tag, Ven! I'm going to tag @ihni, @redmyeyes, @twobrokenwyngs, @skybound2, @sambrosia, @shewritesdirty, @introvertia, @coffeeandchemicals, and @anarchist-billy—if you're up for some rumination, I'd love to hear your thoughts on your writing!

#author stuff #my writing #fanfic culture #about me #tag games

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imaginesbymk · 3 years

Text

“Something’s Wrong with Mr. Pink.”

Reservoir Dogs One Shot

Summary: There’s been spark between you and Mr. Pink, but he’s one to shield his emotions. He realizes he’s starting to lose you, but he’s out of ways to win your heart. Desperate, he approaches Mr. White for help.

Pairing: Mr. Pink x Fem!Reader

Tags: swearing, sexist remarks, smoking + mentions of drug use (marijuana)

Non Requested

Word Count: 2,054

Author’s Note: as you can tell, quentin tarantino movies have been on my list!!! the reader is codenamed Miss Beige!! i never thought i’d have this much appreciation for steve buscemi until now, he’s such a cool guy :((( also thank you @myriadimagines for checking my title capitalization aksnskdns - leave a like/reblog + feedback!!! <333

MR. BROWN gave Mr. Pink a ride to the next meeting, and the whole trip there, Brown rambled on and on about God knows what. It came through one ear and out the other for Pink. Brown didn’t seem to notice because of his investment of his proven theory of a movie he had seen and wanted to share it with someone.

If he wasn’t listening in silence, Pink would always have something to say. It would usually be a comment, an opinion on something about social life. This one afternoon, he bit his tongue, despite the guys knowing his mind was occupied, even Nice Guy Eddie raised a brow. It didn’t start the day they were all given your colour coded names. It didn’t start the day they reviewed the plan of the heist with each other. It all started when you two were unintentionally left alone at the large dining table, moments after the guys had walked out the restaurant for something.

“Pink’s a pretty colour.” You gave him a reassuring smile, stirring your straw in your milkshake.

“To you.”

“And to anyone else who would want to be codenamed Pink!” you scoff. “Sexist.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re Miss Beige,” he says, his mouth full of his toast.

“And I happen to like my name. It’s a pretty colour,” you paused. “Just like pink.”

Pink huffs, swirling his coffee mug. “I can’t wait to smoke.”

“Lucky.”

“My buddy sets up Thai sticks like it’s one of those model boats in a bottle. It’s so fragile to him, and he saved one for me. Something tells me I owe him a shit ton.”

“You smoke Thai sticks?” you ask. “Your poor lungs.”

“Nah, I gotta smoke outta one anytime after coffee just for me to either black out or jump off the Empire State building by the time we hit Easter.”

You chuckled.

From the windows of the restaurant, you could see the guys standing outside their parked cars including Nice Guy Eddie and Joe, talking to each other about whatever. You could see their mouths moving, Nice Guy Eddie using a lot of hand motions at Mr. White, and Joe calling someone on the phone.

This wasn’t the first time you spent a limited amount of minutes alone with Mr. Pink. At Uncle Bob’s Pancake House, you two did sit close to each other, except Mr. Blue sat in between the both of you, and you had to lean forward to see Mr. Pink if he was speaking or if you two were giving each other looks if someone said something stupid.

If you were that childish, you would've considered the five minutes of alone time with Mr. Pink a first date - without the formal introduction. You two didn’t give each other your names because of Joe, but you wouldn’t mind slipping it out.

Silence, and then-

“I know this really cool café near my apartment. We should check it out sometime,” you blurted out.

Pink was in the midst of swallowing his food. He chokes on his ketchup dipped toast, taking his coffee mug to chase the contents down his throat.

“Wait a minute-” Pink cleared his throat, then cleared it again. “Are you-” he cleared his throat for the final time. “Are you asking me out?”

“Y-yeah,” you sheepishly smile, holding in your breath. “I mean, we can go get coffee, hang out at my place afterwards - it’s just a five minute walk - and sit on my couch, listen to K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the ‘70s, you can smoke your Thai stick, I wouldn’t mind...” By looking at Pink’s face made you trail off your words. You knew where this was going.

“You couldn’t ask Brown or Orange?”

“No, I wanted to ask you. We’ve been talking lately, we seem to get along, thank God, and you’re really cool. Even when you can be an absolute dick almost all the time, you haven’t scared me off. Just one date, it won’t kill us.”

“A date...” he frowns a bit. “With you?”

“What’s wrong with me?” your heart sank.

“Nothing’s wrong with you, Miss Beige. Ya just got the wrong idea. We’re here for a job, not to hook up. If you want to suck someone off, try your luck with Mr. Blonde. Besides, I go for chicks at a bar. I know from experience, they’re always coming in hot - first come, first serve typa’ shit.”

“Right. My bad.” You felt yourself shrinking now, fighting the urge to get up and make a dash outta there, somewhere to scream in embarrassment, whatever emotion it was.

“Excuse me.” Mr. Pink gets up and walks away, just as the rest of the guys start making their return to the large table.

“Where did Mr. Pink go?” Mr. Orange asked.

“Little men’s room, I’m guessing.” You sighed, sliding the milkshake away from you. “I’m full.”

“Something’s wrong with Mr. Pink. Did you guys get in a fight? We were only gone for five minutes,” Mr. Brown laughs.

You sat in silence, staring down.

“Nah, I bet she finally put him in his place and he’s crying like a baby in there,” Mr. Blue said, lighting the cigar in his mouth with a match.

“Most definitely not.” Mr. White shook his head, patting his pockets in search of his lighter. “That man’s a smartass, and smartasses like him know how to shield themselves. He’s fine. If anything, he can walk his ass home.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Pink calmly entered the restroom, placed both hands on each side of the tiny sink, stared at his reflection in the dirty mirror, and screamed in anger.

He jumps when he notices a man had appeared from one of the stalls just a moment ago, staring at him worriedly.

“WHAT?!” Mr. Pink snaps.

If someone treated him like a friend, he goes along with it if they weren’t weird or creepy. If someone told a joke, he’ll laugh if it isn’t corny or cringeworthy. But if someone admitted their feelings to him? Let alone ask him out?

That was the thing: Mr. Pink doesn’t like the idea of vulnerability. He’s aware that it’s unavoidable, it’s human nature - he just chooses not to give into it. Mr. Pink won’t waste a breath giving anyone the impression that he’s easy to get along with and that he’s a kind of guy to not act like a complete jerk half the time, because that’s not true. Not on his behalf, at least.

“Mr. White,” Mr. Pink approaches him in the vacant room at the hideout one day.

He knows people can judge. So he naturally survives on witty remarks, being a sarcastic ass most of the time, and coffee, coffee, and more coffee. Coffee times six.

Mr. White finishes combing his hair in the small mirror, nodding at him as a response. “You all right, son?”

But at the same time, his heart was telling him he wants you all to himself. “I got a problem...”

"SO you want my help?” Mr. White said, a few moments after Mr. Pink had explained the situation he was stuck in. “You’re completely hopeless right now? Gosh, is it my birthday already?”

“You’re full of shit,” Pink mumbled.

“Thought you’re s’posed to be a fuckin’ professional, like you said?” Mr. White chuckled. “I would have thought you would know what to do by now.”

“What am I, the Dalai Lama? I don’t know the answer to everything.”

“I mean... I kinda figured something was goin’ on between you two, I tried to warn her,” White shoots him a blank stare.

“Warn her?” Mr. Pink scowls. “Like I’m some fuckin’ tiger on the loose?”

“I did tell her: Listen, honey,” Mr. White grimaced, as he saw you like a sixteen-year-old teenager not knowing better than to get her heart broken. “Are you one hundred percent sure you like Mr. Pink? He’s a pretty cynical guy. You know he doesn’t tip waitresses?”

You shrug.

“Look, I know I can be very close to myself while very outspoken but,” Mr. Pink sighs. “I mean, c’mon, you’ve seen Miss Beige. Who wouldn’t want her? One time, she called in sick for a job she worked at just to play Super Mario World.”

“You could go there and apologize to her.”

“It’s not that easy, White.”

“How so? Just tell her you freaked out but you had a change of heart.”

“No, man. I could have accepted it right there and then, I could be taking her out somewhere, a place she likes, or that café she was talking about. But no, I turn into the cold piece of shit I always am ‘cause I’m a fucking-” Mr. Pink kicks the rusty chair in anger. “-idiot!” He kicks it again, hurting his foot in the process. He cries out in pain and hops away to the table for balance.

“Mr. Pink, it’s not too late to win her heart. If you really like her, and I can tell you’d take a bullet for her, then brush the professionalism aside for one second and make your move.”

“How?” he chuckles, taking a seat in the chair he had just kicked.

“Well, you can start by introducing yourself.”

“Already done.”

“No I mean, your name.”

“Whoa, whoa whoa. What we’re not gonna do is that.” Mr. Pink ran his fingers through his hair, turning his back to White to therapeutically stare at the light pink tiles on the walls.

“Why not?” White shrugs. “I told her mine. And it’s-”

Mr. Pink turned around. “What?”

Mr. White furrowed his brows. “Huh?”

“You told her your name?” he said. In his mind he prayed Mr. White gave her a fake name on the spot.

“I mean, not just her. Mr. Orange, too. My first name and where I was from, it was a normal conversation.”

“...WHY?!” Pink’s voice echoed in the warehouse.

“Orange asked.”

“You know what Joe said, we’re not supposed to reveal any personal info about ourselves!”

“Joe said this, Joe said that- fucking teacher’s pet,” Mr. White mocks.

“What the hell were you thinking, White?” he shouts.

“How else can you and Miss Beige take a step further if you can’t even tell each other your fuckin’ names? Just introduce yourself, Pink. That’s one way to start,” Mr. White says.

“And what if she doesn’t like my name?” He could only come up with such a question like that.

“What is your name?”

“Fuck you, man.” Mr. Pink stood up from the chair, earning a chuckle from his colleague.

“All right, if you won’t tell me your name, then tell y/n. Y/n should be the only one who can know.”

Mr. Pink turned back to him again. “Y/N?” he says. “That’s her name?”

Mr. White nods. As heated as Mr. Pink was, he knew one day your name would have to fall out of his lips and not a colour, and he wouldn’t mind that. Y/N...

Mr. Pink wouldn’t mind that one bit.

FROM now on, the café near your apartment complex would be your go-to. It was a café not too small but not too big, and no one would bat an eye if you showed up in your pajamas. The following Saturday you went there alone, sipping your coffee and turning to the second page of the morning paper.

What sucked was the fact that after you were turned down, you came to think that Mr. Pink wouldn’t be able to see how cool the interior was. He sure was missing out. Sure his Thai stick won’t be stinking up your living room while throwback songs from the ‘70s play on the radio, but indeed, sucks for him.

“Shit, you were right, y/n. This place is pretty neat.”

The newspaper crinkled when you lowered it down. Standing at the foot of your booth was Mr. Pink. This time he didn’t have on his silly Hawaiian shirt like last time, and no, he didn’t ironically wear pink as a kind gesture. He did look good in a white tee, though.

You had to smile. He knew your name. And you wondered how...

“Oh, Mr. Pink. Morning,” you nodded.

He takes a seat in front of you. “C’mon, we’re not at work. Just call me—”

THE END

—

TAGLIST: @locke-writes

#i wish mr pink actually revealed his name in the movie #but no he’s a ✨professional✨#reservoir dogs imagine #reservoir dogs one shot #reservoir dogs x reader #reservoir dogs fanfic #mr pink x reader #mr pink imagine #mr pink #reservoir dogs #reservoir dogs fanfiction #mr pink one shot #reader insert #one shot #imagine #mk's faves

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jewish-space-laser · 4 years

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Could Be Lethal - Epilogue

“I'm scared to death that she might be it, That the love is real, that the shoe might fit, She might just be my everything and beyond...”

-Beyond, Leon Bridges

Hello friends! I’m honestly a little choked up posting this. CBL has meant so much to me over this past year, and all I can think about right now is how appreciative for every single person who has supported me, whether you sent me messages, reblogged with nice tags, or gave it any kind of love. None of it went unnoticed, I promise. Special shout out to @for-fucks-sake-h @oh-honey-styles @andwhenshesays @real-work-of-art @haute-romance-quotidienne for hyping me up and proofreading and just being all-around incredible. Okay, this got kind of long, so I’ll end it here, but as always please tell me what you think. I love chatting with you all <3 xoxox Tile (3.3k, she’s a short one!)

You and Harry were friends, with a capital ‘F’. Yeah, you’ve been sleeping in his bed for the past two months, and maybe your entire nervous system goes into hyperdrive when you’re in the same room, but that’s normal, right?

The one where you and Harry have an arrangement… of the cuddling sort.

Catch up here!

You were so, so late.

It was half an hour past the time your friends were set to meet at Slim’s, and you hadn’t even left your flat yet. Meredith had texted you twice asking where you were, but you ignored her.

You and Harry had decided to keep your relationship on the down-low, just for a little while. It wasn’t that you wanted to keep secrets from your friends, you just wanted a little bit of time to adjust to your new normal before having questions fired at you left and right. They were a curious bunch, after all.

“Shit,” you heard Harry mutter from your bedroom. You lowered your mascara wand to peek through the doorway, seeing him frowning at his phone. His jeans were unbuttoned, shirt nowhere to be found, and he only had one sock on. “Nick is calling me.”

“Well, don’t answer!” You laughed. Leaning back towards the bathroom mirror, you continued trying to rush through your makeup.

You absolutely hated rushing, but you hadn’t been able to deny Harry’s suggestion that he should join you in the shower. It had been less than a week since you made things official, but you already knew you were in a world of trouble. You’d never be able to say no to him.

“I think I have to answer,” he sighed, “this is the third time he’s called me, I’m pretty sure he’s getting worried.”

“Okay,” you snorted, “but don’t tell him you’re here.”

“I’ll make something up,” he assured you.

Giggles bubbled up in your throat as you listened to him tell Nick that he’d accidentally taken an extra long nap, and that he’d be on his way shortly. He didn’t sound all that convincing, but it would have to do.

You hadn’t heard him get off the phone, so you jumped a bit when you felt his arms wrap around your waist from behind. You set down the makeup brush you had been using, catching his eye in the mirror. He smiled softly, pressing a little kiss to your shoulder.

“You look really nice,” he told you. At first, it seemed innocent, but then he pressed another kiss to your shoulder, and another to your neck. “Like, really nice.”

You couldn’t help the sigh that blew out of your lips as your head lolled to the side. He was entirely too charming, but you were already late.

“We need to finish getting ready,” you managed to breathe. It was always harder to string sentences together when his lips were on you. “You’re not even dressed.”

He only hummed, closing his eyes as he moved his lips up to your jaw. His hands had moved lower, sliding over your hips and down to the tops of your thighs. You felt like you were on fire.

“Harry, please, we need to....” you gulped when his left hand slide just under the hem of your skirt, “we need to go.”

“Do we?” He teased. “I was thinking maybe we could just… stay here….”

Temptation crept up your spine, but you pushed it down. The two of you had been stuck together like magnets for the past five days, you should be able to get through one night without being all over each other.

“You already, um,” you gulped, feeling Harry’s lips turn up against your skin, “you told Nick you were on your way.”

He pulled back with a sigh, letting the hand under your skirt fall to his side. You watched in the mirror as he rolled his eyes, resting his chin on your shoulder as you finished up with your makeup.

“I don’t know why you’re so stressed about this,” Harry mused, following you as you broke away from him to throw the tube of lipstick into your purse, “it’s just our friends. We see them all the time.”

He was right, of course, but part of you really needed this night to go well, without a single hiccup. Because of you and your inability to express emotions, your entire friend group had suffered. Things were weird when you and Harry had stopped talking, and it was undoubtedly felt by the lot of them. You just wanted the dynamic to feel easy again.

“I guess you’re not wrong,” you admitted, “I just hate lying to them. I’m so bad at it.”

“You are,” he snickered, pulling you into his chest, “it was your idea, though. I personally don’t care if they know.”

You groaned, twisting out of his arms once again to slip your shoes on. Harry followed suit, kneeling down to lace up his vans. The way he was gazing up at you made you squirm a bit, the concern and admiration he felt for you more apparent than usual.

“Babe…” he sighed out, rising to his feet, “you make things so hard for yourself, I swear. You’re always thinking about things that could go wrong. What about the things that have already gone right?”

You sucked your lips into your mouth, not entirely sure how to respond. Maybe you were a pessimist, maybe it was your anxiety, or maybe it was just the way your brain was wired, but you’d always had a tendency to think of the worst possible scenario. Harry had a point though; there was a fine line between self preservation and self sabotage. Perhaps the world wouldn’t end if you gave your anxious brain a breather and allowed yourself to relax.

Getting together with Harry had been hell, but all of the obstacles you’d created were just in your head. Pulling excuses out of thin air was truly your specialty, anything to keep yourself from taking risks, but eventually it had been exhausting holding yourself back from the things you wanted. You didn’t want your anxiety to ruin your happiness anymore.

So you took a deep breath, and then you shifted your focus. Sure, it was going to be uncomfortable fielding questions from your rowdy group of friends, but Harry would be sitting right next to you. And he would stay next to you. And he was in front of you, right now, just inches away, loving you. Suddenly, your concerns regarding your friends weren’t worth dwelling on.

“That’s true,” you rolled your shoulders, letting go of some tension, “lots of things are going right.”

“Like what?” He smirked, swiping his car keys off the little table in your foyer.

“Let’s see,” you said playfully, pretending to be deep in thought as you locked up your flat, “I’ve got a decent job.”

“That you do,” he agreed, “and?”

“I quite like my neighborhood,” you remarked, tilting your head, “my flat is small but I’m proud of it.”

“Okay,” his grin widened, “anything else?”

He was fishing for compliments, but you refused to give in. He faked offense when you just rolled your eyes, and bumped his hip into yours before tangling his fingers with yours. You walked in hand-in-hand until you reached his car.

“I’m lucky to have you,” you said quietly as he buckled his seatbelt. He paused, lips pulled up into a sweet smile.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, meeting him halfway as you shared a short kiss, “having you in my life is very, very right.”

He kissed you quickly once more before settling into his seat, fiddling with the rearview mirror until he was satisfied. He’d let you borrow his car the other day, and made a huge fuss about the way you readjusted his seat. You loved him anyway.

In fact, you loved him so much, you weren’t sure you were going to be able to hide it. Maybe Harry was right… you were just creating barriers for yourself. How nice would it be if you could slide into the regular booth at Slim’s, next to Harry, and hold his hand? When you were trying to be secretive about your sleepovers, you’d barely even interacted in front of other people, too paranoid that you’d give yourselves away immediately.

It was a scary thing to be thinking about, especially as you were on your on way there already, so you twisted a knob on Harry’s dash to change the radio station. After a few moments of searching for a song to distract you, you gave up and turned the entire thing off.

“Maybe we should just tell them,” you blurted, biting your lip nervously.

Harry’s eyebrows shot up, and he glanced at you for just a moment before returning his focus to the road. “We can do whatever you want, babe.”

“What do you want?” You asked.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Well, I mean… I get wanting to keep this to ourselves because it’s so… new, you know?” He looked over at you once he was stopped at a red light, a sheepish smile painted over his cheeks. “But at the same time… I’m excited. Like, really excited, and I want to tell my friends. They’ll be excited for us, I know it.”

Them being excited was what you were afraid of, in a way. You knew your friends well, so you knew that Meredith would ask too many questions, Thomas would say something inappropriate, Grimmy would accidentally talk about it on air, and Jessie would probably just silently sit in the corner. The image you’d created in your head was chaotic and overwhelming.

But maybe it wouldn’t be like that. Maybe it was worth finding out.

“You’re overthinking, I can tell,” Harry frowned, “listen, like I said, we’ll do whatever you want. Tonight is meant to be fun.”

“No,” you shook your head, “let’s tell them.”

“Really? That’s what you want?”

“Yes.”

And you meant it. As terrifying as it would be, keeping more secrets from your friends wasn’t the answer. Plus, they would likely ask a bunch of intrusive questions, anyway. Meredith was nosy long before you ever spent a single night in Harry’s bed.

Not to mention that Harry was excited, about you. It warmed your heart in a way you’d never felt before, like you were floating and sinking at the same time. He was proud to be able to call you his, and you understood because you felt the same way. If giving them the news about your relationship would make him happy, then it was a no-brainer. His happiness would always win over your fear.

Your own happiness, too.

Harry ended up being right, of course. The moment the two of you walked through the door together, hands interlocked, the group was ecstatic.

“Holy shit!” Nick had shouted, loud enough that people at other tables were looking over. “Fucking finally!”

Meredith had let out the most grating, nails-on-a-chalkboard squeal, but you’d barely had time to grimace before she was throwing her arms around you. Just like you’d predicted, it was loud, over the top, and even a bit embarrassing… but it was also a celebration. Even though they made a scene, it wasn’t awkward, or overwhelming. They just wanted to support you.

And being the center of attention wasn’t as difficult when you had a partner. Harry was more than willing to take the lead on answering questions, allowing you to sit back and just process everything.

“Next round is on me,” Jessie announced. Harry had just finished explaining to Thomas that the cuddling had been going on for months. Nick and Meredith hadn’t looked shocked, and Jessie had just looked amused.

“Cheers, friend,” you smiled, “need help carrying?”

They nodded at you, so you slid out of your seat, giving Harry’s arm a soft squeeze before making your way to the bar. Jessie caught the attention of the bartender right away, listing off the drink orders that everyone had become familiar with.

“How are you doing?” You asked them, leaning your back against the wooden bar.

“Me?” They scoffed, mirroring your position. “I should be asking how you are. Last time I saw you, you were a total mess. Well, figuratively. Your apartment was ridiculous, I can literally still smell Clorox.”

You laughed, shaking your head. “Sorry you had to witness my panic induced cleaning. That talk we had ended up being really helpful.”

“Good. It sounds like things are going well, then,” they said, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks,” you rested your head on their shoulder, “I am sorry though, for making things weird for everyone.”

“Whatever,” Jessie waved a hand through the air, “it’s over now. We just didn’t like seeing the both of you in so much pain, especially when it wasn’t really our place to do anything about it.”

Just then, the bartender tapped your shoulders, pointing to the six drinks lined up on the counter. You grabbed four while Jessie grabbed two, and together you headed back to the table.

“Oh good, you’re back,” Meredith said, plucking her drink from your hand, “Harry was just telling us about the time he got blackout drunk at some pub in Hackney, weren’t you Harry?”

“No,” he said drily, “I wasn’t.”

You passed him his water, which he promptly took a large gulp of. The woes of being a designated driver.

This went on for a while longer, and eventually your friends stopped grilling you, satisfied with the information they’d pried out of you. Now, it just felt like a normal night, where everybody chatted and gossipped and caught up. So familiar, that you weren’t even phased when a text from Harry popped up on your lock screen.

From: Harry Styles 9:56PM

Are we sleeping at mine tonight?

“Yeah,” you giggled, locking your phone and glancing up at Harry. He was already looking at you with bright eyes and a gentle smile.

He leaned down and quickly pressed his lips to your forehead. “Perfect.”

Just weeks ago, you were secretly texting under the table and making up excuses to leave at the same time, a stark contrast to tonight, where you both hugged your friends goodbye and left together, hand-in-hand and drama free. It was refreshing to be able to fully relax together, no longer tethered to the weight that comes with keeping a secret. Harry seemed especially carefree tonight, running his hands up and down your sides as he walked behind you, only letting go once you reached his car.

“I had fun tonight,” he remarked, twisting to look over his shoulder as he reversed from the parking spot. His arm was stretched out behind your headrest, and you had to resist the urge to lean into him.

“Me too,” you hummed, crossing your legs, “it was nice being able to sit next to you for a change.”

“I agree,” he nodded, looking straight ahead out the windshield, “although that skirt has been driving me crazy all evening. In this case it might have been easier having you all the way across the table from me.”

You only giggled, rolling down the car window. You needed some cool air on your skin, which was suddenly feeling flushed all over at the thought of Harry checking you out.

“I’m not kidding,” his lips were in a straight line, but you knew him well enough to recognize the twinkle in his eye, “that thing is coming off the moment we get home.”

You soon found out that he was quite serious, pinning you against the door the moment it closed behind you. He pressed the front of his body fully against yours, not a single inch of space between your chests as he dipped down to slot your lips together.

You gasped for air when he pulled back, throwing your head back against the door as he slowly dragged his palms down your body, stopping to squeeze the flesh of your hips and finally resting on the curve of your ass.

“How do you do it?” Harry wondered out loud, bunching the fabric of your skirt in his fists as he pulled it upwards. “It’s like you don’t even try.”

“Do what?” You breathed, lifting up a leg and looping it around his hip.

He let out an appreciative grunt, grinding his hips into the flimsy lace of your underwear.

“Like… you just make me want you so much,” he wheezed, arching back slightly as you fiddled with the fly on his jeans, “you’re not even trying to be sexy, like tonight, just fucking sitting and chatting shit with our mates, I wanted to- oh, fuck me!”

He let out a shaky breath when you reached inside his boxers, rubbing along his length until you could grasp your fingers around him and tug him free from his boxers. After just a few slow pumps, he was swatting your hands away, pulling the crotch of your panties to the side and pushing into you with a slow buck of his hips. He pushed slowly, in and out, until he was as deep as he could be, and you revelled in the feeling of his hipbones pressed against your pelvis.

“Good?” He nuzzled his nose into the crook of your neck.

“Mhm,” you managed, sliding a hand up his back under his shirt.

It wasn’t long before he rendered you a moaning mess, one hand gripping your leg under the knee and the other looped behind the small of your back. He was hitting the deepest, most perfect spots inside of you, and even though the doorknob was digging into your ass, and you still hadn’t taken off your heels, you wouldn’t change a thing.

He was so good at finding creative ways to fuck you, whether it was a spontanious quickie over the desk in his office, or the slow, sultry sex you’d had in his home studio. It was fun, and exciting, and unique, and you couldn’t get enough.

His thrusts became faster and harder the moment you reached your hand down to play with your clit. He was watching your fingers like a hawk, not blinking as he watched you pleasure yourself while he fucked into you. Soon enough, your thighs were shaking, cries escaping your mouth as your orgasm thundered through your veins, sending tingles to the tips of your toes and a warmth throughout your belly.

Harry followed suit soon after, driving his cock into you once more before spilling inside of you. Neither of you moved, simply standing against the door.

“You didn’t even take my skirt off,” you eventually broke the silence, dropping your leg. Your hip was definitely going to be sore in the morning.

“Would you like me to remove it?” He snickered, digging his fingers into your sides. “I’d be happy to rid you of it, right here, right now.”

As you and your boyfriend chased each other around the house, teasingly undressing each other as you went, you didn’t spare a single thought on your worries, anxieties, or fears. No, they weren’t even on the radar.

Instead, all you could focus on was how unbelievably happy you were right now.

You felt high, but this time you weren’t afraid of falling because Harry would be there to catch you. There could be pits of lava, fields of thorns, pointy rocks, rivers full of piranhas… and you’d still take the blind leap if it meant being in his arms. In a way, you’d already been through hell to get here, plagued by your own mind, the most torturous kind of self sabotage.

It didn’t matter what the future held. Hypotheticals were no longer important; what mattered was what you had right now, right in front of you.

And that was enough.

~~~

Thank you for reading! I’m so sad that their story has come to an end, but it’s not over! We’ll definitely be seeing more of them. I love you all xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox Tile

#harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles smut #harry styles imagine #harry styles fic #harrystyles fanfic #fanfiction #one direction #harry #styles #friends to lovers #could be lethal #cbl #epilogue

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phynali · 3 years

Text

so not to ruminate on things that vex me, but the past 2 or so months have been kinda shit, and i’m trucking along and there absolutely are high points and good things and joys that balance some of this out, but i need to vent out some of the negative emotions somewhere to get ‘em out. so i guess i’m doing that here because -

we’re in lockdown#6 where i live (state of victoria) and it’s hard, this yo-yo of restrictions and swinging in and out of one lockdown after another.

for those who understandably won’t know, what we call lockdown here means not just restaurant and commercial closures and mandatory working from home unless you’re in an industry where that’s impossible -- it also means no guests (0) inside you’re home unless you’re both living alone and single or else romantic partners, it means not leaving your home at all except for one of 4-5 necessary reasons, not being outside for more than 2hrs per day even to exercise, and not going more than 5km from your home unless required for work/medical/etc required reasons.

it’s intense. we spent (i think) 128 days in this degree of lockdown in 2020, never mind how many we spent in other forms of restrictions and working from home. and we’ve been back in it four (4) times in 2021 already. in-out-in-out-in-out -

it’s taking a toll on the mental health of every person i know. we get weekly emails with wellbeing and resilience tips from my job -- not just “be productive or else” capitalism but heartfelt ones from wellbeing officers with copies of articles like this one on languishing from the NYT, acknowledging we’re all struggling and directing us to the plethora of wellbeing resources our workplace is trying to provide, not only to us but reminding us they offer it to our families too.

i’m one of the lucky ones. i’m really not trying to wallow here or to pretend otherwise. i appreciate that i can work from home, even though i can’t focus when i do and it this interacts with my adhd to fuck my productivity. even if i’m so behind and delayed it feels like i’ve lost 12-18 months worth of work and it will have long-term ramifications on my career -- even so, i still i have a job. i still get paid. and i even kept my job, a bit by the skin of my teeth but i did, when my sector downsized last year. yes, the way my employer went about lay offs left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth (my own included), but i made it through.

and my sector, while affected, is by no means the worst of the collateral damage.

the yo-yo of lockdowns is taking a very very real toll on industries like hospitality, tourism, commerce. and the economy does have indirect effects on health and mental health as well. my friend, a waitress, was on her way to work the evening shift at a restaurant when she got the call about the latest lockdown. she had to turn around and go home because the announcement came just hours before the lockdown was imposed, and every place suddenly had to close by 8pm. bye bye evening shift. so much of the government support for these industries has dried up, has been inadequate.

lockdowns save lives. i don’t begrudge my state for imposing one except that yes -- i’m resentful we’re here again with only six cases. i can be both accepting and grateful and also pissed and tired and more all at once.

even more than the latest lockdown, i’m pissed about the yo-yo. that we went into lockdown in june, came out in july, went back in in july, came back out in july, are going back in now, in the first week of august. three lockdown/re-openings in 10 weeks, as if this rollercoaster doesn’t completely incapacitate our ability to plan or prepare for anything more than a week out, more than a day out -- in this case, more than a few hours out. 4pm the lockdown was announced, with an 8pm start time. as if that doesn’t have more insidious consequences on individuals and industries than a more clearly articulated and consistent approach. as if all the restaurants that got to open up this week didn’t purchase large food orders for this weekend that will spoil because they were given 4 hours notice to close their doors.

that’s the part i hate, right now more than the lockdowns themselves. consumer sentiment was at a high in april, optimism was everywhere. people felt good, and like we had a plan forward. now -- well, now my job is sending me emails about how normal and okay it is that i might be ‘languishing’ because aren’t we all?

and i absolutely do begrudge my federal government, and i’m angry with them, and this is part of why:

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but i also accept, to some extent, that these decisions have all been made in difficult circumstances, and i’m not really about to pretend i could do any better.

at the same time, australia’s vaccine rollout is among the slowest and lowest at least within OECD countries. i know that’s partly because we’ve managed the keep cases low and therefore we are prioritized less when it comes to who needs the vaccines most (and thus who is earlier in line to be able to purchase) among other geo-political reasons i won’t get into, but it still very much sucks. our timeline and ability to move forward and ability to stop having lockdowns requires a mostly-vaccinated population, and that’s not something we’ll have anytime soon.

and i am a visa-holder here and my family is back in canada and with our current border restrictions leaving to visit is honestly is not an option because i wouldn’t be able to return, to work. i’m managing that distance okay most of the time despite my homesickness and frustration but my partner’s parents are older and his mother’s health just isn’t amazing and it’s weighing on him a lot.

a phd student i work with just had a parent die in another country while stuck here, had to drop everything to return, is devastated by not being by their parent’s side when it happened because it came on sudden, and now won’t be able to come back into australia after, will have to finish their thesis remotely from abroad. stories like that are becoming commonplace in certain circles, here. this student is not the first or only person i know who has been in that exact situation in the past year.

it’s enraging, and upsetting, and instills a sense of helplessness because -- there’s nothing that can really be done about it. there’s no good answer, but it’s scary to think of what could happen. i know it scares my husband. if his mother’s health suddenly dips -- does he drop everything and leave? how can he not? would i go with him or hold the fort here? what ramifications does that have either way?

right now, we’re in the first stages of getting permanent residency, my job is putting in the nomination, and this is one of those awesome high-points i mentioned. it’s a very much needed sense of security in my career and my future in this country. but while a PR application is pending and under review, you can’t leave the country, even in pre-covid times. it takes months to get the application fully nominated, accepted, then submitted, and months on months to process.

in january 2020 we had agreed that for xmas 2020 we’d return home to canada. obviously the world changed and we quickly determined that wouldn’t be the case. we pushed that plan back to july-aug 2021, then to october 2021, xmas 2021. my partner’s sister asked him last week if we started making plans, booking things for xmas, was calling to check that we’d had our second jabs. he had to explain the situation to her, that we aren’t even eligible for our first vaccine yet, that we aren’t holding out any real hope of visiting, not this year, not until mid-next.

anyway - i’m just. languishing, i guess, if that’s the word for it after all. i know it’s not the same as depression -- i’ve had episodes of that, been treated for it in different ways. this is and feels different, even if there are obvious similarities. whatever to call it, it sucks, and i hate it. and i hate the other lows and anxieties and crap i’ve been dealing with in the past few months as well that didn’t make it into this post about covid. crap with work, with friends, with goddamn car rentals of all stupid things. crap that’s making me anxious and crap that just needs processing. crap that is, ultimately, massively exacerbated because lockdowns turn us into little rats gnawing on the bars of our cages.

and i guess i just needed to talk about it somewhere, to organize my thoughts and free up some headspace (emotion space?) currently being used to hold these thoughts and feelings in place. i kind of hate posting personal crap like this and always get the urge to delete but i also have a hard time organising my thoughts if i don’t write them out with this intent to post. sort of want to go outside and scream at god, sort of want to phone up a friend and yell at him for an hour for being an exhausting ass, sort of want to be alone for a day to curl up under a blanket with a movie that’ll make me cry because raging at the universe is always so much easier when i’m alone and unobserved. but i guess since those aren’t especially kind or feasible i’ll post this instead.

anyway - if you read to the end of this for any reason, i’m not trying to be maudlin, and there’s really no need to respond. it’s just a feelings dump, sucking some of the poison out, not really much different than journalling but i’ve always been better at that online than on paper.

#ugh #personal post #just organising thoughts and bitching about present circumstances #because i'm tired of 2021's bullshit and needed to vent a bit #gpoy

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