phynali

[phynali]

#this is why it's tragic that brotherhood skips this arc #it's essential setup for public menace gremlin ed #fma #edward elric #anime #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

Sorry for being such a slow writer, it's because I [remembers that self-deprecating jokes are harmful to my mental health and make everyone else uncomfortable] was attacked by dark spirits and washed up on the shore of a mysterious island with no recollection of who I was

[phynali]

Vash the Stampede + Text Posts

#i might need to watch this anime #vash the stampede #trigun #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

1936 / 2014 / 2016

#barbershop quartet #i will always be here #captain america #marvel #mcu #comics etc #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

I see your "Hannibal killing Will's surrogate daughter who lured and ate people (Hannibal's style of killing) the way lambs get slaughtered for food,"

and I raise you "Will killing Hannibal's surrogate son who hunted and mauled people (Will's style of killing) the way animals get mauled when they infringe on each other's territory."

Do you fold?

#murder husbands #hannigram #they're so unwell #hannibal (nbc) #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

Artwork of Waluigi drawn by his original creator, Fumihide Aoki, parodying a commonly referenced image from the Akira manga and anime movie.

Main Blog | Twitter | Patreon | Small Findings | Source

#because why not #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

they need to invent a writing that is easy. and fast also

#oof #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

#i love elephants #and the people who look after them #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

I know we've talked about all the ways, "I hate all men EXCEPT trans men", is generally painting us not reeaallllyyy men which is fucked up, but it's also a nerve wracking position to find yourself in. Yes, I am incredibly hostile to people very much like you, but you're my exception. Who knows what will cause me to take that Exception card away from you, and when. Are you really not the enemy? Are you? Are you? Haha just checking no pressure do as I say.

In some ways, I can really understand wanting men who are safer and more understanding but like, this is scary to be on the other end of. It's controlling and you have power over me. I'm literally transgender.

#important #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

#kittens #v good #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

#bat family #the cutest lil murder birb #robins #dc #comics etc #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#reblogging again because it's worth remembering and repeating #especially as i'm doing job interviews and such #i definitely spent a big portion of my childhood trying to be hyper competent and therefore useful to my peers to gain acceptance #and definitely do have issues where once i get pretty good at something i feel like i'm secretly lying to people about being good at it #anyway #adhd #imposter syndrome #masking #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

So I just saw a post by a random personal blog that said “don’t follow me if we never even had a conversation before” and?????? Not to be rude but literally what the fuck??????????

I’ve had people (non-pornbots) try to strike conversation out of nowhere in my DMs recently, and now I’m wondering if they were doing that because they wanted to follow me and thought they needed to interact first. I feel compelled to say, just in case, that it’s totally okay to follow this blog (or my side blog, for that matter) even if we’ve never talked before.

Also, I’m legit confused. Is this how follow culture works right now? It was worded like it’s common sense but is that really a thing?

#what on earth #tumblr #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

Animation breakdown ✨

#oh that is so cool #animation #art #process videos #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

one of the most infuriating things about becoming an adult is when you realize that it actually is 10x easier to solve problems by making a phone call vs literally any other communication method

#oh this #so so so much this #it's so unfortunate but also true #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

i need people do do me a favor and be absolutely normal about it

#gave it a listen #he really does have a nice voice #boost #thank queue for coming

[phynali]

Rereading the manga, I think my favorite thing ever is that Edward looks like he’s a feral animal Mustang just kinda found out back one day. He looks like if he bites you you’re going to get a disease, and he looks like he absolutely would bite a person. They really toned down how feral he is in Brotherhood.

Brotherhood Ed is like some poor cat you found in the alley, Manga Ed is the rabid raccoon you’ve been trying to pull put of your trash since 2013 that Will Not Leave

Like look at him and tell me he doesn’t remind you of some raccoon

#you're right and you should say it #i love brotherhood but it doesn't have the intense horror vibes of 2003 #and neither quite capture the feral raccoon energy of the manga #excellent way to put it #edward elric #fma #fma:b #anime #thank queue for coming