#i hope yall like this one im so anxious haha

[dickarchivist]

Tell Me Again.

Wolffe × Fem!Reader, new relationship

Word count: ~1700

MINORS BEGON 🔞

Contents and Warnings: n s f w 18+, Minors DNI, small fight resulting in minor cuts and bruises, vague hints of an abusive ex, fingering, counter sex, riding, unprotected PiV sex, Wolffe being protective of you, Wolffe being soft, Mando'a lesson. Fluffy smut, how nice.

Summary: After a fight with friends, you wear a few bruises with pride. Wolffe comes home for shore leave, and teaches you a few words in Mando'a while tending to your needs.

Mando'a used: Mesh'la (beautiful, pretty. Used as a pet name). Cyare (beloved, loved, popular. Used as an improper pet name, corrected by Wolffe). Cyar'ika (darling, sweetheart. Used as a pet name).

Author's notes: A continuation of the "Don't Stop on my Account" fic, which can be found [here].

Oh, to be in the hands of a hot man as you give him words of affirmation. This ended up in directions I didn't think it would, I was planning on it just being fluff, but then it became double smut, akin to the first of this series.

You'd gotten more used to the comings and goings of your favorite clone commander. Wolffe still kisses you when he leaves in the mornings, tells you how he looks forward to your next moment together. You've caught him trying to sneak out a few times since the first time you caught him, but you've succeeded in getting him to be more upfront about when he has to go for a while.

Your friends have been warning you again, however. "There's no guarantees." "We just don't want you to get hurt when he stops showing up." "There wouldn't be anyone to tell you if he died or not." "All you have is physical." "Honey just let him go, find a real man, not one of those credit a dozen toy soldiers."

You get into a full out fist fight with the one who calls Wolffe a toy soldier. It takes the others to separate you, you've never had that kind of impulse before but it made your blood boil and you couldn't help but wind up a punch. It's a new sensation for you, looking in your bathroom mirror and seeing the shiner and split in your lip.

You've come home with these in the past, but instead of the fear you felt in the past, you somehow feel proud of these marks. You got them defending the man you care about, and not from the one who was supposed to care about you.

You discard your top and pants, checking yourself for any major injuries. Few small bruises starting to bloom, some scraps, but all told nothing serious. You're about to turn on the water in the refresher when you hear the front door of your flat slide open.

"Mesh'la, you home?" There's a flutter in your chest at the sound of Wolffe's voice. Even among other clones, you feel like you could pick him out among them.

"In here!" You go to grab some concealer, but hesitate. These are badges of honor for you this time, why would you hide them? You turn around to stride out, but Wolffe is already there.

His eyes go from soft to shock, then anger, and for just a second you think it's aimed toward you. "Who did this? Who hurt you? I'll kill them."

You laugh, much to both of your surprise. He crossed to you, hands rough but surprisingly gentle around your face, "This isn't funny. You're hurt. Shoulda been here..."

"I got into a fight with someone because they called you a toy soldier, Wolffe. Trust me, they're worse off than I am."

You're starting to like this shocked face of his. Wolffe blinks down at you, really looking at the bruise around your eye, the pad of his thumb ghosting across your lip, just light enough to feel it. He takes your hands, looking at your bruised knuckles, smirking a little, "Kept your thumb out like I showed you?"

"Threw a mean punch like you showed me," you smirk up at him, and he gives you an impressed look as he sets his hands on your hips. "Like what you see Commander?"

Wolffe chuckles a little, kissing the corner of your mouth, "Of course Mesh'la, I'm lookin at you."

"What does that mean?" You try to steal a real kiss, but Wolffe pulls away a little with a husky chuckle and your breath hitches softly. You adore that sound.

"What does what mean?"

"Mesh'la... you call me that a lot, what does it mean?"

There it is again, that husky chuckle. This time, paired with kisses against your neck, making one hand grip the bathroom counter behind you as the other cards through the hair at the nape of Wolffe's neck. "It's Mando'a. Means beautiful. Pretty. It means you, Mesh'la."

You moan softly, lulling your head to the side as Wolffe sucks a hickey into your neck. He comes off you with a pop and blows on the newly forming dark spot. It makes you moan again, and your hips move forward in Wolffe's hands. "Is there a word for handsome?"

"Why? You wanna call me handsome?" Wolffe lifts you with ease and sets you on the edge of the counter. He moves forward a step and you open yourself for him, hooking your legs around his waist to bring him nearer. As his hand runs along your inner thigh, he answers you, "Don't know of one, Mando'a doesn't have gendered words like basic."

"Teach me..." your words are breathy already and he hasn't even touched you yet.

"Teach or touch?" There's two fingers stroking the front of your small clothes, making you whine, and Wolffe can't help a light laugh, "So tough a second ago, what happened?"

"Wolffe..." you whine again, hands holding his shoulders as your body shakes at even the touchs through thin fabric. You're starting to ache, needing more, "Do both, but touch first, please, touch first..."

"Kriff... you're wet, soaked through your panties already?" when you nod at his words, Wolffe walks his fingers under the thin fabric and presses a finger directly to your swollen clitoris. You jump, and he laughs, the rumble low in his throat, "no fight left?"

His fingers start to work you slowly, swirling your slick through your folds. Wolffe's going slow on purpose, you can tell, but it feels so good you don't want to rush him. It feels like a reward.

There's desperation creeping into your voice, your hips move forward to meet Wolffe's hand, "More..."

"More what, Mesh'la?" But he knows, he's already giving you what you desire. His hand moves lower within your folds, touching your entrance with teasing strokes before two fingers dip into your slick waiting walls, "This what you wanted pretty girl?"

Wolffe kisses the side of your head as you lean forward into his chest. His thumb works your clit as his fingers curl and pump inside you. "Wolffe... oh- mmm... Wolffe..." your legs open a little wider for him, and you close your eyes as you lean against his chest. You're panting hard, fast breaths as he brushes that sweet spot within and you see stars.

Your climax hits suddenly, and as you cry out, Wolffe's arm caresses the back of your head. He holds you safely against him as your legs tremble, clenching on his fingers as his movements slow. You're so dizzy, head light in ecstatic pleasure. You finally get a kiss out of Wolffe, a proper one. It hurts for a moment, but you've wanted that kiss since you saw him in your doorway, it was worth the wait.

"What's... what's Mando'a for "you are loved"?"

There's a pause, before Wolffe speaks softly to you, kissing your shoulder and neck as punctuation, "Cyare. Beloved... sometimes used for popular."

When his hand leaves your folds, you're worried that maybe you pushed those words too soon, but as he lifts you from the counter and removes your small clothes, you know it's anything but. Wolffe carefully lays you onto your bed, then dofts the rest of his clothing to lay beside you. He doesn't mount right away this time, not like you'd become accustomed to. No, his hands trail down, eyes following, tracing patterns onto your skin.

You tangle your legs with his, closing what little gap there was, and palm his length, pumping the stiff length in your hand. Wolffe growls and stops your hand, looking into your eyes, "Why'd you ask that?"

"If I can't call you handsome, I want to call you loved, because that's what you are, Cyare." Your cheeks are hot when you say it, but you know it's true.

"That's not how you say that."

"Did I pronounce it wrong?"

"Yes, but you're going for the pet name, yeah?" You nod, and can't help but find this whole thing endearing you further to him. A man of his word, he touched first, and taught second. "It'd be cyar'ika, then. Adding "'ika" makes it an endearment."

"Then I love you, Cyar'ika."

There's hope in his eyes, soft, loving hope, as if he'd convinced himself you were playing a joke on him when you'd said it before. "Tell me again."

You move on him, getting on top of Wolffe and straddling his hips. His hands rest on your thighs, and you share a moan as you take in his length until you're seated flush against him. "I love you, Cyar'ika."

As you swivel your hips, panting again already, the Commander watches from below. He looks dazed, eyes not leaving your face, there's disbelief and pleasure there, "Again."

"I love you."

You start to bounce on him a little, rolling your hips, clenching tight around his length, hands pressed to his chest for support. Wolffe bites his bottom lip and bucks into your tight walls, drawing a cry from your lips. Your repeat yourself again, "I love you."

As you bounce on Wolffe's length, you repeat the words over and over, gripping his chest hair, your legs shaking as you climax again. Wolffe isn't far behind you, with a few more hard thrusts his hips buck sporadically until he grunts, spending himself within your walls. You fall onto his chest, panting with him as he puts his arms around you in a protective embrace.

Wolffe is quiet for a moment after. You've since returned to your sides, your back pressed into his chest, his arms secure around you, legs tangled together. He presses a kiss to the cone of your ear, whispering, "You mean that..?"

As you turn your head to see him, you steal a kiss before he can pull away to spare your split lip. "I love you Wolffe. I love you, and I mean it."

Wolffe kisses you properly, still careful of the split in your lip. His hands rub your back, the curve of your hip, he's careful with you in a way he hadn't been before. He doesn't say it in words, but his actions tell you for him. Wolffe loves you too. As he nuzzles your heads together, tucking you close to him, he whispers a word you know now, and it makes you smile against his shoulder, "Cyar'ika..."

Tag List!: @wolffegirlsunite @anxiouspineapple99 @wizardofrozz (sorry if I missed anyone or added someone by accident! Not used to people asking to be tagged in stuff haha)

#commander wolffe #sw fic #fanfic #wolffe x you #wolffe x reader #star wars smut #sw smut #minors dni #nsft fic #i hope yall like this one im so anxious haha #good morning hope the dick treats you well #from the archivist #sw tcw fanfic #tcw smut

[octo-hyacinth]

Hey! I recently stumbled across your work and have been absolutely hooked. Can I request Dorm Leaders’ reactions when fem!reader accidentally falls under a sleeping curse? The cure is true love’s kiss of course, but they’re either too dense or too anxious to know that:P

yes, ofc! i’ll only write up to vil cuz im not familiar enough with idia and malleus for the time being, but hopefully one day i can muster up the courage to write them haha

~~~~~

Dorm Leaders with an S/O Cursed to Sleep

Characters: Riddle Rosehearts, Leona Kingscholar,Azul Ashengrotto, Kalim Al-Asim, Vil Schoenheit Content Warnings: Tiny bit of angst (more like panic but the title is self-explanatory), yall can imagine the ending however u want im cutting it off at the kiss, mostly typed on phone so possible typos but its fine A/N: man it took me so long to get around to this and i'm so sorryyyy (*_ _)人 but i hope you enjoy!

"How could this possibly happen? Y/N is surrounded by students for a large portion their day, every day, and yet they are lying here, having been singled out and targeted by such a malevolent curse," Vil argued.

Leona leaned against the furthest wall, rolling his eyes. "Will ya shut your trap already? We get it, it's a bad situation, and it's real inconvenient." He scowled at your sleeping form, like maybe if he judged you enough, you'd wake up. "I almost wanna say they deserve this, for bein' so dense, but—"

"How could you say that?" Kalim cried, attempting to quickly wipe the tears streaking down his face. "They've been nothing but nice to all of us, but now they're d—"

"The prefect is not dead, simply... incapacitated for an indefinite amount of time," Azul replied smoothly, but if you looked closely, he seemed to be holding back a bit of his own worry from showing on his face. "I think—"

"No one asked you what you think, cephalo-punk—"

"QUIET, ALL OF YOU!" Riddle shouted, thoroughly irritated by the lack of progress in getting you to wake up. "Instead of sitting around complaining, we should be coming up with a solution."

They stood in silence for a few tense moments, before Vil softly spoke.

"I believe I've read about a similar situation happening with a princess long ago. She too was cursed into slumber, and the only way to wake her up was—"

"But-but that's impossible!" Riddle sputtered. "True love's kiss? Should we really be looking to a fairytale for our answers?"

"All stories are laced with truth, as they say," Azul thoughtfully stroked his chin. "Perhaps... we should try it, if we truly have no other options."

A heavy silence spread across the room as every leader contemplated this. Finally, someone spoke.

"Alright, I'll do it."

Riddle Rosehearts

Oh, dear, what a predicament.

Riddle’s a clever boy, so he knows exactly what needs to be done... he just doesn't exactly have the courage to do it.

I mean, true love’s kiss? Is that something he can even achieve? Is he worthy of kissing you awake, or will he fall short of needing to be your "true love"?

He has his worries, but he does his best to be rational, and just do the next logical step in achieving his goal.... in this case the goal being to save you from being stuck in an eternal slumber that possibly no one will be able to wake you from. No big deal.

He ordered everyone to clear out, as there was no way he could bring himself to kiss you in front of all those eyes. Much too embarrassing.

He approached the side of your bed, and stared at your gently closed eyes. You looked so peaceful— was this perhaps a much-needed break from running around campus every day? As much as he wanted to say you SHOULD be waking up to attend to what needed to be done, he was afraid of forcing you back to your tiresome waking reality. What if you got upset at him for bringing you back?

But he couldn't dwell on these questions when you were stuck under a curse. Everyone wanted you back. And Riddle missed you more than he'd like to admit. So he leaned over your resting frame, and with only a moment of hesitation, he pressed his lips gently to yours.

Leona Kingscholar

First off, what a hassle.

Most of him didn't even wanna be here, arguing with the other dorm losers, but he couldn't bring himself to just ditch you when you needed help.

Once Schoenheit mentioned true love's kiss being the only option available to wake you up, he scoffed and almost left right then, ready to let someone else deal with that. But then he had a thought.

What if he was the one that you needed that kiss from?

The more he thought about it, the more possessive he was getting over you. He didn't want any of these other idiots kissing you, cuz you were his. He was the one that truly wanted you, and you felt the same way, of course. Right?

He got flashbacks to all the times you defended him, like during his overblot, when you simply refused to let him destroy himself when he was at his lowest.

And then, right there, he made up his mind. He wasn't gonna let any of these guys claim you first, so he pushed his way through from the wall, slipped his hand underneath your head, and kissed you with all the passion he'd been holding back since he met you.

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul was incredibly good at holding up a façade of confidence, even if he didn’t always feel that way. But upon realizing the fact that the only way to wake you was through a true love’s kiss, well, it made him more nervous than he expected to be

At first, he tried to approach it like he would any other situation. How can he turn this in his favor? How can he maximize his own gain from this situation? How can he take control?

But the more he thought about it, the more a certain sense of dread overcame him. He started to realize that this was not a situation he could take control of. There was only one option; to kiss you, or let someone else do it. No cheating, no manipulation, and there’s nothing else he could gain or lose. That was the only variable.

But now that he really thought about that… was kissing you really such a bad option? Or was it something he desired deep in the pits of his own soul, under all the indifferent, confident, businesslike masks he used on the regular?

The more he thought, the more his feelings for you started to claw its way towards the surface of his consciousness. And once those feelings broke through the tumultuous waves of all his suppressed emotions and made itself known, it hit him like a brick.

He cared for you. Deeper than he’d ever ventured back in the Coral Sea, deeper than he could’ve imagined. And then he felt something akin to possessiveness, almost. Not quite so aggressive as it, but he realized how badly he wanted to be the one to kiss you. Not any of the others, because then he’d have to face up to the possibility that he wasn’t your true love.

But then, even if he WAS the first one to kiss you, would you even wake up?

He really, really hoped you would.

Finally, after being stuck in his thoughts for what felt like an eternity, he decided to act.

In his most confident, self-assured voice, he asked the others to step out of the room, and only after Leona made a mocking gesture at him before closing the door, did Azul let out a big sigh.

Now alone, with his feelings free to take over, he inched towards the side of your bed, all the while keeping his eyes on your serene face before delicately sitting down on the edge.

Slowly, he took off one glove to gently hold the side of your face, rubbing his thumb against your cheek. And as he studied how peaceful you were, and felt how soft your skin was upon your beautiful face, he felt a sense of calm wash over him like a beach at high tide. All of his nervousness about kissing you was dispelled. Because like this, he felt as if you were his rock during a torrential hurricane. You felt like the safety of his octopot whenever he was afraid. He cared for you so much, he could never be scared of you.

So if this was what had to be done to wake you, to bring back your smile and laughter and all the joy you brought to his life, he would kiss you without a moment’s hesitation.

And so he did, and it was as gentle as the rocking seaweed sways under the sea, but filled with enough love to create an ocean.

Kalim Al-Asim

He’s so, so terrified that you won’t be able to wake up from this curse

Almost leaves to go get Jamil over here to figure out a way to wake you up, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave you!

If Vil said that a kiss would be the way to wake you up, does that mean they’d all have to take turns kissing you? But he wanted to be the one that counted as true love!

I mean, he always showered you with gifts that you said were “too expensive” or something, and he always shared Jamil’s cooking with you, which of course you both thought was delicious. He does so much for you because he loves you! You’re his favorite person, and he regularly told you so, and how he wanted to bring you home to his family over school break, and that he was positive that his parents would approve of you!

And with how much he showed his love for you, how could he be anything but your true love!

Wait, he had to focus at the problem at hand. You needed a kiss to wake up, and he was totally willing to give you a lil kiss (you didn’t even have to be cursed to get one from him, he’s just that affectionate)

He tried really hard to push back the nervousness by thinking happy thoughts, like how excited he’d be once you woke up and then he could give you all his affection again and have Jamil cook up a feast to celebrate your waking, and he could get a bunch of fancy animals too, and invite the whole school so everyone could be happy that the curse was gone!

Dang, he wasn’t very good at focusing on the problem in front of him. Anyway.

If kissing you was all he had to do, he was willing to give it a shot! So he volunteered out loud, and without waiting for anyone to respond or even leave, he rushed over to your bedside, and combed his fingers through your hair before accidentally smashing his lips against yours a bit too hard. Oopsie. He was just overexcited, just looking forward to seeing your happy smile again!

Vil Schoenheit

Likely approaching this problem the most rationally, closely tied with Riddle.

In the story, the fabled princess was kissed awake by a wandering, random prince who just happened to be enraptured by her sleeping beauty, and he just happened to be her true love. But how lucky would you be, to have your true love be someone in this room?

Truth be told, he was hoping with all his heart that this was his chance to be the prince, the protagonist in the story, the one who ‘gets the girl’, as those ancient stories would put it. Going his whole life playing the role of the villain, he just wanted this one chance to be your prince.

Of course, you deserved nothing less than the fairest one this world had to offer, and Vil would say he was the fairest of them all, and that you deserved him, but more than anything, he just wanted to to able to deserve you.

He didn’t overthink the situation much. He was never one to succumb to nerves or panic or anxiety. He knew what had to be done, and he knew what he wanted to do. So he strode up to you without giving the other housewardens even a passing glance, gently cupped your face, and kissed you as lovingly and as elegantly as only the best prince could.

#twst #twst writing #twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twst imagines #twst x reader #riddle rosehearts #riddle rosehearts x reader #twst riddle #leona kingscholar #leona kingscholar x reader #twst leona #azul ashengrotto #azul ashengrotto x reader #twst azul #twst azul x reader #kalim al asim #kalim al asim x reader #twst kalim #vil schoenheit #vil schoenheit x reader #twst vil #hyacinth writes

[pastriibunz]

me and @local-soda-can are gonna start outlining Nerdy Prudes Must Die Kai soon and here are a few ideas I had for that

can you guys tell i love inserting Kai’s name into the titles???

Kai comes in before/after/during literal monster holding a map of the school (the police or something forcibly enrolled her and now she has to go to school) and she’s just completely confused and lost

Max does the whole “this is my hallway!!” thing and Kai’s like “fun fact I literally do not care” and he pisses her off so much she kicks him in the balls- she meets the rest of the prudes while on the run from various teachers who’re trying to expel her or something

Kai was in the Waylon Place night of the prank to try and relax and get away from the chaos of Hatchetfield. There isn’t a sign of anyone breaking in bc Kai knows how to pick locks. Kai hangs out there a lot.

She walks in on them looking at Max’s (almost) dead body and is like “woah you guys killed that guy!!! ö haha I’m gonna go call the cops on yall I’m OUT!!!”

…Grace then blackmails her into helping bury/hide the body because she threatens to pin everything on Kai (bc Kai breaks in and shit)

Theres this scene with max and kai im making into a comic that has something to do with snickers and it needs to be real because it’s silly and also it makes way for this idea:

Kai hangs out with Max’s ghost a lot and she vents to him about how much she hates the prudes, how she wants to get back to Unington, and other shit

They like sending videos to the prudes group chat (that Kai was forcibly added into) that make it seem like Max is about to kill Kai and she always texts the dumbest shit after like “phew!!! made it out okay!!! gee, let’s hope that doesn’t happen again!”

They laugh their asses off about it

Kai has no friends during the run of NPMD

she hates the prudes for getting her involved in a manslaughter/murder,

she has no clue if max is her friend or if he’s only keeping her around for the snickers bars,

And everyone else is too in love with afraid of her to even get near her

It kinda hurts but she’s learning to deal with it

KAI RIZZ KAI RIZZ KAI RIZZ

that shit is STRONG guys

she got that Wattpad MC rizz

she does not want it-

she is either oblivious to it or painfully aware

no in between

She’s been bunking with Paul

They met on the street and they talked for a bit and Kai was like “yeah my hotels about to kick me out lol” and he was like “oh you can stay with me”

He doesn’t know why he said that, maybe it was just meant to be.

Anyways Kai agreed and Paul is the biggest dad ever

He asks her how school was and he cooks dinner for them and they snuggle on the couch and have movie nights

They have to share a bedroom but he got her dividers and turned the bottom of the closet into a hangout nook for Kai so it’s like she has her own little room

everyone keeps dragging Kai everywhere by the wrist- she does NOT wanna be there-

Kai keeps talking to the audience in front of everyone and she interacts with the audience a lot

For example, she crumples up and tosses her map to someone in the audience and finger guns and winks at them afterwards

She gets like a gazillion love notes a day-

she gets so angry she just eats them-

nobody knows why and they’re just like:

“Aw she’s silly :]”

“I LITERALLY HATE ALL OF YOU”

“I’m soooo in love with her :3”

“IM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU”

in the words of my pal:

“she’s so perfect :3333

(she is going to go feral-)”

All of Kai’s classes have at least one prude in them

Kai kinda wishes she had friends and tries to talk to people, but she’s so autistic, socially awkward, and anxious she either ends up shutting down, staying quiet, or insulting them

Kai goes to the sports games purely for the food and hides in the bathroom the entire time (the crowds and lights overstimulate her)

Kai hangs out at beanie’s a lot

She’s still Emma’s favorite customer.

She accidentally calls her Mom a lot.

Emma loves it every time.

It often goes uncorrected.

If Kai is alive for homecoming, she’s going there WAY overdressed-

she’s been homeschooled the majority of her life and has never been to a school dance-

she’s only been to like high class galas/parties so she thinks it’s like that

spoiler alert it is NOT

Kai is aware she’s in a musical

she really doesn’t wanna be in one but she knows

sometimes you can see her groovin uncomfortably to the music in the background

That’s all! Idk if I’m gonna script this one out as, like I’ve said before: TKWDLM has a special place in my heart and I’m not ready to move on

plus I’m still super hyperfixated on TKWDLM-

oki that’s all for now bye bye :3

#kai drew #oc #tgwdlm #the guy who didn't like musicals #tkwdlm #the kai who didn’t like musicals #hatchetfield #npmd #nerdy prudes must die #max jagerman #grace chasity #emma perkins #paul matthews #kai rizz is so funny to me #she doesn’t want it and yet it is ASTRONOMICAL #it’s literally that one post where it’s like “they really do let you hit if you’re goofy” #she just wants to go back to unington #she does not have TIME for her life turning into one of those 2016 various x reader fanfics #she is so completely done with everything

[calehenituse-brainrot]

Omg this is so fucking cute BUT just imagine cale having a small smile on his face once he gets to hold his baby and him just kissing them in the forehead😭😭💞

you guys,,, im gonna cry this is making me soft. idk how to describe labor and 'm too scared to look it up, so this is the best i could do. hope this doesnt dissapoint yall who actually knows about labor hehe.

also, hi!

haha, i got my shit together pretty quick since midterms are around the corner and i thought that it wouldn't be fair if i didn't give you guys something to enjoy before i get busy with my midterms :)

Cale doesn't know how exactly he should feel when your contractions started.

He had immediately rushed you into the room that had been prepared for delivery, him being the only one to be inside other than the midwives and doctors standing by in case something goes wrong -- he desperately hoped those doctors will not do anything here.

For the first few hours, your contractions had long intervals and it wasn't too painful. Cale stayed by your side during those times, holding your hand and brushing your hair to make sure you stayed calm.

"Wouldn't it be nice if they looked like you?" You mumbled, smiling at him so softly that had his heart clenching. You squeezed his hand. "I'd want them to have your hair. It's very pretty."

Cale lifted your hand, kissing the back of it affectionately. "What are you talking about? Yours are prettier."

The midwife and their assistants would sometimes glance at you and Cale, never thinking that they'd see the man so gentle and whisper so affectionately like that.

The man sat down on the chair beside the bed and hasn't moved for hours, holding your hand and brushing your hair.

It was easy to distract you from the pain for the first several hours. He'd talk to you and try his best to make sure you feel safe and calm, planting kisses on your cheeks and whispering encouraging words against your skin whenever the pain comes back.

When the intervals were getting shorter and shorter, Cale sat down on the bed beside you, leaning down so you could wrap an arm around him.

Your face was red and you were sweating as the pain began to overwhelm you. Your eyes were starting to go glossy and Cale brushed your hair. "Follow my breathing, [Name]."

He inhaled, watching you try your best to follow him. He exhaled and when you did the same, he smiled, caressing your cheek. You leaned to his hand with a pained look on your face which made Cale's heart clench. "It's okay, it's okay."

He kissed your temple before leaning his forehead to it. "Let's do it again. Breathe with me."

You threw your head back and closed your eyes, choosing to listen to his breathing instead of looking at him. Cale stared at you, wondering about the worst that could happen to you, but he immediately dismissed the thought.

You were in pain and all he could do was distract you from it the best he could. He does not have the time to think of the worst -- he does not have the time to think of the future. He needs to think about the present, the fact that you were in front of him and risking your life to make sure the proof of your love could live.

Even as you began to scream and were crying relentlessly, he tries to give you something that could release your pent-up emotions, which was his hand that you squeezed to the point he was sure was going to be broken. He could hear the ancient powers within him be anxious, voicing their concerns, but he ignored them all and focused on you.

All he could think during that moment was how he didn't want to see you be in pain like this ever again.

"Keep pushing, Madam!" The midwife exclaimed and Cale kissed your temple, hearing you let out a shilling scream that has his heart beating quickly as if it wanted to escape from the cages of his ribs.

'Shit,' Cale thought the moment his eyes felt hot. 'Shit, shit.'

He could feel his eyes starting to sting when you let out a scream. He could hear the door of the delivery room was budging but he ignored it. He couldn't imagine what kind of pain you were in because he had never heard you scream like this before.

He hates this.

He doesn't want to see this.

He hates seeing you like this.

"It's okay, it's okay," he murmured so affectionately to you, lips pressed against your temple. "It's okay, you're doing such a great job."

"C-Cale."

Cale closed his eyes when he heard you call for his name, voice strained and so weak. It's as if you were on your last breath and he hates it.

He hates this so much.

He doesn't think he can go through this a second time.

"I'm here, sweetheart." He kissed your temple again. "You're going to be okay."

He doesn't know how much time passed while hearing your screams and having to reassure you that you were doing an amazing job. He felt like it's been days -- he hasn't moved from his spot on the bed and he refused to do so if it wasn't needed.

When your screams died down and the sound that filled the room was the cries of a child, Cale still didn't turn his head. He didn't turn to see his first child getting wiped down and see how they look.

Instead, he looked at your pained face, seeing that despite the pain has lessened, you still looked like you were having trouble.

"S-she's still in pain," he told the doctor that has been standing by. "What's going on?"

"T-there's another one!" Announced one of the assistants of the midwife.

"T-twins?" You questioned, bleary-eyed and shocked. "We're having twins?"

Cale doesn't know what to do. Now the crying of his first child and your screaming filled the room, some of the assistants rushing to take care of the firstborn while the rest is helping the midwife.

'Damn it,' Cale thought, holding your hand tightly for his own sanity.

"One more time, [Name]." He pressed his lips to your cheeks which were wet tears. "You can do it. I'm here with you."

Somehow the second time felt even longer. It felt like an eternity to Cale who could only sit by you and watch.

When everything was over, you stared at Cale with bleary [e/c] eyes that have him squeezing your hand. The smile that you gave him when it was all over has his stomach turning over and chest squeezing -- your smile was so genuine and full of love, but he doesn't like that you could so easily smile after experiencing such a thing.

"We're having twins," you whispered to him, voice breaking down. Now you were crying for another reason. "Twins, Cale."

Cale stared at you and pressed his lips to your forehead, whispering. "You did such an amazing job. I'm so proud of you."

"Young Master Cale. Madam [Name]."

Cale finally moved, turning around to face the midwife who was holding a crying baby wrapped in a bundle of blankets, and beside her was her assistant who was holding another baby.

Cale moved so he could sit beside the pillows that were propping you up, watching with glossy eyes as the midwife approached the bed and handed you your firstborn while the assistant helped Cale to hold the secondborn.

"The firstborn is a boy," the midwife informed the two of you. "The secondborn is a girl."

Cale moved so he can show you the baby in his arm and your eyes widened.

"Oh."

You smiled at them, seeing the thin red hairs at the top of their head.

"Cale, darling," you called out for him, still crying and voice in a pitch. "They have your hair."

Cale stared at you for a moment. You were still sweaty, red-faced, and your face was still wet from crying, but you looked so happy and relieved. The smile on your face made the tension in his body slowly disappear and he realized something.

'I'm a father.'

The child in your arms and his were the children the both of you created out of love.

He's a father.

You're now a mother.

The two of you were parents.

'Shit,' Cale thought again as his vision began to get blurry, eyes glistening with tears. He leaned down, kissing your head. "I'm so proud of you."

He stared at the baby in his arms. A baby was this small? They were so light and frail, he was afraid if he moved a bit, the baby would feel pain, but seeing the smile on both the midwife and assistant expressions, he thought he must be doing great.

'How adorable,' he could hear the voice of Super Rock. 'They're going to grow to be wonderful people.'

'Your wife is amazing, Cale,' said the Fire of Destruction, sounding relieved.

'I'm glad she is fine,' added the thief, the Sound of The Wind and Cale could feel the smile she has on her face as she said that.

Cale used his other hand to reach out for the baby, caressing their cheek. They were warm.

Alive and well.

The baby leaned to his finger, seeking more warmth and Cale let out a sigh, his breath shaky as he whispered, "I'm so happy to finally see you."

The baby seemed to recognize his voice -- perhaps from him talking to them so many times when they were still in your womb -- and calmed down.

He leaned to you, showing your daughter to you while you were admiring your son. You turned to your daughter, smiling as you used your other hand to caress her cheek.

Cale watched you and the kids with a soft smile. He kissed your temple and leaned toward you, watching the babies sleep peacefully together.

As he stayed with you in this position, all he could think of how he was so glad he chose this life.

#cale henituse #cale henituse x reader #trash of the count's family #totcf #lout of the count’s family #tcf cale #x reader #lout of count’s family

[reikeip]

Ushimairi P.1 | Chapter Four

Location: Shopping District

The next day

Keito: Alright. We completed the shopping list. I think we have all the tools we need.

Tomoya: We were able to buy almost everything at the hardware store. Because of a good deal on products, we even saved money!

Now all we need is Sakuma-senpai's script, and we can start filming.

Keito: While I know that I left it in his hands, I wonder if he really will get it right. He did claim to have an understanding of fake documentaries and the like.

However, we haven't been shown the script yet. We've already made these purchases, but I can't help but fear that Sakuma is going to hand us some bafflingly strange script.

Tomoya: W-well, it should be fine, right~?

While he usually acts really detached from things, Sakuma-senpai is serious about his work, isn't he?

And Kiryuu-senpai is working as his assistant, so I don't see why there would be anything too weird…?

Keito: But there's foresight to be practiced when you work with someone you’re acquainted with. Really, it's annoying how people like Sakuma and Eichi just have no consideration for me.

Rei: Thank you so much for your patience. The script is ready at long last ♪

Kiryuu-kun, I'm not fully covered by the parasol. Bring it closer.

Kuro: Author's gotta lotta orders. I’m gettin’ used to being pushed around thanks to it, though.

Tomoya: Ah, speak of the devil… good work you two!

Rei: Kukuku. You've been gossiping about us, haven't you. What naughty boys ♪

Tomoya: I-it's not really gossiping, right? We were wondering when you'd be here, and what kind of script you were writing…!

Kuro: I see. Sorry to keep ya waitin'.

It was finished by dawn, but Sakuma was down as soon as the sun rose. ‘Cause of that it took longer than expected.

Tomoya: It's amazing that you were able to finish it overnight! It’s not often you hear that a script was done in one night!

Keito: Well, let’s see what this is all about then. I would hope you didn’t try any funny business, but I’m still worried you’ll have us do something unreasonable all the same.

Rei: There’s no need to fret. I don’t intend to burden you at every twist and turn.

For you see, I asked Kiryuu-kun to do his best to take part ♪

Keito: What. Is that true, Kiryuu?

You. just what are you putting Kiryuu through? Depending on your answer, I might just have to lecture you.

Rei: Well excuse you. You'll find that I'm a bundle of morality compared to Tenshouin-kun.

And besides, if you gave the script a proper look through, I'm sure you'd see why Kiryuu has approved.

Kuro: Yup. I'm gonna play the Oxman, is all.

Keito: Hm…?

Kuro: You saw the masks on the shoppin' list, yeah? I'm gonna turn one into somethin' that'll look like the Oxman and wear it.

So, rather than actin' as myself, I thought it should be left to Danna n' Mashiro since yall are in dramatica. Yanno, just fittin' the right people in the right places♪

Keito: A-ah… if Kiryuu says there's no issue, then I have no qualms with this.

Rei: And yet you remain anxious. Regardless of the misfortune we've faced up to now—If you fill your heart with suspicion, then within each shadow you will also find a demon. You will bring about your own undoing.

Be at ease; find solace in our goals being one and the same. Maybe I would have gone about this differently were it a comedy variety show, but this isn’t one. Have faith that I won't make a jab at my peers.

Keito: So variety shows are a different matter… hm. So I should be watching my back from now on?

Rei: Yes. …Hm? It seems I’ve let something slip I didn’t intend to.

Kuro: Haha, that’s just what Hasumi-danna's like. Worry always gets the best of ‘im.

The original plan is dead an' gone. Ain't it a miracle we were able to come up with a plan to save our asses?

Keito: Of course I can grasp that. However, Sakuma has toyed with me countless times. This habit of mine is a conditioned result of his repeated behavior.

More importantly, we have the script, so let’s get to filming. From the looks of it, we just need to follow the script and film it, right?

Rei: Right. We may need to adjust the conclusion some more, but following the script would indeed suffice.

Let's start with Mashiro-kun. Ask the old man over there for his permission to record, then ask him about "The Legend of the Oxman".

Tomoya: Ah, okay. Got it.

Uhh. Excuse me. I'm recording for a TV show...

Yes. I heard that there's this Legend of the Oxman. Do you know anything about it?

You don't? Ah, that's alright. Thank you for your time…

Rei: Good. You have completed your task successfully ♪ Impressive, impressive ♪

Keito: Oh, stop it. This makes no sense. Why did he have to go ask locals about the “Legend of the Oxman” when it doesn’t exist?

Rei: Now now, there’s no need to get hasty on me. Perhaps if you read the script, you’d actually understand.

Keito: Hm…?

Tomoya: Oh, I get it now! Right after this, there's a message saying that the mystery of the "Oxman" is intensifying!

After that, someone familiar with the Oxman shows up. But he's actually just an extra...

Keito: I don’t care how you look at it, this is overly staged. Isn't this too much even for a fake documentary?

Rei: From time immemorial, humans have demanded thrill and romance.

Their desire from a horror film is a fear which cannot be experienced within their daily lives. Therefore, we must sufficiently frighten our viewers, even if it means disregarding the truth.

Oh, and if your complaint is how staged this is, our “Oxman” doesn’t exist to begin with. The form of dramatization we are using is common in the television industry, is it not?

Keito: Hmmm… It just seems like a hit or miss thing to do, but...

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If our job is to scare people, I guess I have no choice.

Kuro: 'S right. Let's show 'em what we're made of with the Legend of the Oxman ♪

← prev | all | next →

jp proofing: 310mc eng proofing: ciel

#Keito Hasumi #rei sakuma #kuro kiryu #tomoya mashiro

[motherjoel]

Leading Lady (Spencer Reid x Reader)

chapter five- multitude of realizations

wc: 3.2k

summary: you realize your true feelings for Spencer

a/n: hope yall like! this is one of my fav chapters haha

chapter index: chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4

-

As you walked back into your dressing room, you couldn’t help the smile on your face. Sure, there was a murderer after you, but this crush you had on Spencer was honestly just as exhilarating. You had come to terms with the fact that you had a crush on him when you were watching Gilmore Girls earlier on Netflix and he was making commentary on the characters and the books Rory was reading. When he spoke, you were more interested in what he had to say than in the actual show. Although the two of you had only known each other for a couple days, spending all of your time with him had bonded the two of you in a way you hadn’t experienced in months. Once inside the dressing room, you made small talk with your fellow cast members. 

“So, Y/N, when are you and Matt gonna hook up? I’m getting bored, I need a showmance,” said Caroline, the actress who played Fantine.

“Ah, I’m sorry but the Y/N ship has sailed! I’m actually seeing someone now,” you said with a smile, the words feeling genuine.

“Oh my gosh. Spill!” yelled Caroline.

“Well, his name's Spencer,” you shyly told her and the gathering crowd of your female castmates. “He’s staying with me for a little bit while he’s in town, he’s actually here tonight!” you told them as they squealed. 

“We have to be introduced!” Caroline shouted, and you laughed.

“Okay, okay! I’ll point him out to you during mic check but that's all until after rehearsal,” you said with a grin before sitting down at your mirror and beginning the makeup and hair process. 

-

After finishing getting ready, you headed out to the stage for mic check. You waited for a couple minutes with the girls, pointing out Spencer for them to gawk at and whisper to each other while he was mindlessly focused on a thick book. As if he felt the prying eyes of your cast, he looked up and shot you a smile and an awkward wave before focusing back on his book. A few minutes later, Matt walked on stage, slightly out of breath and not in his costume. You could overhear him talking to your director, apologizing for his lateness. Once he noticed you he greeted you with a tight smile and walked over to you, the girls whispering on the other side of the stage, still pointing at Spencer.

“So, a boyfriend, huh? Didn’t think our Y/N could pull it off,” Matt said in a teasing way.

“Wow, news gets around here pretty fast,” you replied, looking up again to Spencer at the back of the auditorium to see he was already looking at you. He seemed a little off… you didn't want to assume he was jealous but you were talking to your cute costar so maybe he was just getting a little too deep into his role of boyfriend. Your exchange with Matt was brief, your director wanted to get the show started as soon as possible. Once John called for places, you snuck back around through the lobby to sit with Spencer. You sat down next to him and he greeted you with a smile.

“Hey Spence, sorry that took a little longer than expected, our Marius was a little late,” you explained. You noticed he didn’t reply- he was just looking at you with a goofy smile. “What?” you asked.

“O-oh I’m sorry, it's nothing,” he said, a blush creeping on his face. “It’s just, not many people call me Spence,” he confessed.

“Oh! I’m sorry, did you not want me to call you that? It’s okay I can jus-” he cut you off.

“No! No, it's really fine. I… like it,” he said, looking down and twiddling his thumbs. As the pit orchestra began to play the opening number you settled into your seat with a smile on your face. The two of you watched the first couple songs, Spence occasionally whispering facts about the history of France in your ear and each time he did you smiled and nodded, occasionally asking questions but mostly just basking in the moment. You noticed that you had to go on soon so you excused yourself and ran into the lobby to head back to your dressing room.

Once you got inside you rushed to make sure you were ready to go on. As you frantically checked your makeup and looked for props, Caroline, who’s character had already died, started to talk to you.

“Girl, that boy is in love with you already,” she said, focused on the bag of chips in her lap. This made you stop everything you were doing.

“Im sorry. What?” you asked, not sure if you were hearing her right.

“I said what I said! Let me tell you, while I was trying to die on stage, I kept getting distracted by the two of you being all cute back there! The way he looks at you… i’ll just say, if someone looked at me like that, I wouldn’t let them go,” she said nonchalantly. Obviously she didn’t know that Spencer sharing your feelings was news to you. You couldn’t deny the chemistry, but you thought you were just imagining his lingering glances and soft smiles. It excited you as much as discouraged you, though. Falling for one of the FBI agents in charge of your case just wasn't right! And if he were to reciprocate those feelings, he could get in trouble at work and that was the last thing you wanted. You didn’t have much time to dwell on this, however, because you were about to go on stage.

-

As you acted and sang your heart out, you kept taking glances to see Spencer’s smiling face in the back of the auditorium. As your biggest song, On My Own was coming up, your nerves picked up a little bit- it was your moment alone on the stage and you couldn’t help it. As the opening notes began to play, you took a deep breath and sang.

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to go, no one to turn to

Without a home, without a friend

Without a face to say hello to

And now the night is near

and now I can make-believe he's here

You always resonated with these lyrics. You often felt very alone and it was difficult for you to open up to others. That was, until Spencer came along.

On my own, pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him 'til morning

Without him, I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me

When you and Logan, your ex that you used to live with, broke up, you felt really hopeless. You tried not to let a man decide your happiness, but the two of you were long term and he had helped you through your father's passing. When he moved out, every waking moment was spent missing him.

And I know, it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself, and not to him

And although, I know that he is blind

Still I say there's a way for us

There was no way that someone like Spencer liked you. You didn’t feel worthy of it. You didn’t think you deserved to be loved, much less even liked, but even you couldn’t deny that there was chemistry

I love him, but when the night is over

He is gone, the river's just a river

Without him, the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

That feeling of comfort that you had grown accustomed to around Logan returned when Spencer started to sleep on your couch. You didn’t believe in love at first sight, but this wasn’t that. It was an opportunity for a deep connection, something that you wanted to build on. Not some cringey story about mommy and daddy meeting eyes across the room and falling right then and there. Sure, Spencer was pretty much just your type looks-wise, but when you talked to him you just appreciated him as a person.

I love him, but every day I'm learning

All my life, I've only been pretending

Without me, his world will go on turning

The world is full of happiness that I have never known

 You were over Logan. You didn’t realize until now that you had been sulking the past few months because of him, but there was a new light in your life. As you began to sing the last few lines, you made direct eye contact with Spencer, tears brimming in your eyes. These tears were real, caused by a multitude of realizations. 

I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own

Shit. You really liked him.

-

After what felt like years, you had changed back into your clothes and took off your makeup, anxious to see Spencer and to hear his opinion on the show. You were trying to slyly sneak out of the dressing room before Caroline grabbed your shoulder and whipped you around. You sighed, knowing what was about to happen.

“You’re not getting off this easy! You said I could meet your new beau and I'm not leaving until I do!” she said with a smirk. You sighed, anxious at this being the first time you and Spencer really have to put on an act as “lovers”.

“Fine fine, just come on,” you sighed, leading her to the lobby where Spencer was waiting with his book in his hand, facing the opposite direction and talking to someone. Talking to… Matt. Oh jeez. You picked up your pace so you could greet Spencer, tapping him on the shoulder. He whipped around and when he saw you, his face broke into a joyful smile.

“Hey! You were amazing!” he exclaimed as he pulled you into a hug, genuinely excited. This surprised you but it didn’t take long to melt into it. Matt cleared his throat next to you and you let Spence go with a blush.

“Sorry. Spencer, this is Caroline. She plays Fantine,” you introduced the two. Spencer waved hello, not making a move to shake her hand. You wondered why, but you ignored it. 

“You were really great too!” he told her.

“Thank you! So, this is the famous Spencer, huh? Y/N was telling us all of the hot goss about you two,” she said with a smirk.

“Hot goss?” Spencer said with an inquisitive look, you elbowed Caroline in the ribs.

“Uh, anyways we should get going,” you said, trying to usher Spencer out the door.

“Hey hey hey, not so fast!” said Matt, you cursed at him under your breath. “Our Y/N finally gets a boyfriend and we don’t even get to see them kiss?” he asks, a bit of a harsh edge to his voice. You didn’t think he was mad or jealous at first but this behavior was a little weird.

“Now why do we need to do that?” you asked with a harsh tone, Spencer tensing up beside you. You felt bad that he was in this position.

“I mean.... I kinda wanna see it too…” said Caroline, you elbowed her again. Spencer leaned down next to your ear.

“Y/N, it's okay. Kissing is actually safer than giving someone a handshake, the amount of pathogens that pass is staggering,” he whispered. This spouting of facts only made you want to kiss him more, but you really didn’t want to make him feel weird.  

You sighed and turned to face Spencer, placing a hand on his cheek as he leaned down. You felt really guilty, you couldn’t believe that your first kiss with Spencer wasn’t even real or voluntary, but you didn’t want to seem suspicious. He closed the final inches between you two and you both shut your eyes, savoring the few moments your lips were together. He melted under your touch and it seemed like the world stopped spinning for a few seconds. You pulled away and looked him in the eyes, a soft smile on his lips as he straightened out. You had a goofy smile too before realizing your anger for the two dummies next to you.

“Happy?” you asked them harshly before grabbing his hand and leading him into the cool outdoors. No matter the temperature outside, your face was burning.

“I am soooo sorry, they're so annoying and i jus-,” you begin to profusely apologize before he cuts you off.

“Y/N, it's okay! R-really. I knew that pretending to be your boyfriend might lead to something like this,” he reassured you, slightly nervously. You sighed in relief and the two of you silently began your walk home, both trying to hide the smiles creeping on your faces.

-

You unlocked your door while laughing at a joke Spencer was telling about existentialists and lightbulbs. Honestly, it kinda went over your head but his pure joy after telling the punchline was enough to make you smile. 

“Thanks,” he said, looking down. You were confused.

“For what?” you said, still smiling at his joke.

“For laughing at my joke. The last time I told it, all I got was silence and looks of confusion,” he said, embarrassed. “B-but, if it makes you laugh, I know it's good,” he said, more quietly. Your heart could burst.

“Well, no problem. And, hey, if this whole FBI thing doesn’t work out, at least you know you have a career in comedy!” you joked, and he laughed, accidentally knocking your script off the table. The two of you bent down to get it at the same time, hands brushing. You apologized to each other and laughed it off, before Spencer just grabbed it. You both stood up as he placed it on the table. You stood in silence for a minute, both contemplating that moment, but it didn’t last for long once you heard the familiar sound of Spencer’s phone ringing. 

“What's going on Morgan?” he asked after picking up his phone. As he listened to Morgan talk, you could tell that he wasn’t saying ‘Great news Reid! We caught the crazy guy! Now go sweep Y/N off her feet!.’ In fact, as Spencer’s face fell, you could tell it was the exact opposite. He hung up the phone and began pacing around your small apartment.

“What is it, what's going on?” you asked, panic rising as you followed his pacing. 

“There's been another victim. I need to get down to the station, it's pretty late so I can try to get someone to stay here with you, let me just ca-” you cut him off.

“I don’t mind coming with you to the station, I might be able to help,” you offered, already grabbing your purse.

“Are you sure? We might be there for a while,” he warned. 

“As long as you guys have a coffee machine, i'll be golden,” you smiled, despite the situation. He nodded and grabbed his messenger bag filled with files and stormed out the door, you followed him down to the car. Wordlessly, he hopped into the driver's seat, you in the passengers and the two of you sped off to the station.

-

You entered the station and were greeted with the expected hustle and bustle. You were glad for some familiar faces, though. Morgan walked over to greet you two, looking surprised but glad to see that you had come along too.

“Hey guys. Good to see you, Y/N,” Morgan said, resting a hand on your shoulder. You felt Spence stiffen besides you, but you brushed it off. “Reid, Hotch needs you to look at some crime scene photos with him and Prentiss. Y/N, would it be okay if you talked with JJ and Garcia on video chat in the break room? She’s gonna do some background checks on anybody you came into contact with recently. We’ve looked at everything, we’re willing to do anything at this point,” he said, seemingly desperate. 

“Of course, anything to help,” you smiled, waving goodbye to Spencer before heading to the break room where JJ was talking with Garcia already on video chat.

“Well there's our favorite thespian!” said Garcia through the screen, you could hear her smile.

“Hey Pen,” you laughed and sat down across from JJ. 

“How was your rehearsal?” JJ asked. You couldn’t help but smile, thinking about your “exchange” with Spencer.

“It was… good. Really good,” you told them, honestly.

“Hmmm.., it seems like there's something you're not telling us,” hinted Penelope. It was incredible how these people could so easily read you already, and Pen wasn’t even a profiler. You had felt immediately connected to them, though, so you didn’t mind it.

“Ugh, okay. Don’t freak out, or at least let me explain before you freak out, but… Spence and I… kissed,” you confessed. JJ looked shocked, Garcia was already begging for details.

“Listen! It was because of the cover we have going, I told my castmates that he was my boyfriend and this one guy basically demanded that we kiss and I didn’t wanna seem suspicious, so…” you trailed off. JJ’s surprised face morphed into a big smile. 

“Um, okay! First of all, kinda icky that that guy forced you to kiss, but besides that… how was it?!” Garcia asked, with even more energy if possible.

“I don’t know! It was… just for the cover. But, it was nice,” you blushed and the girls squealed. You continued, “I don’t know, Spencer’s just really great and I've only known him a couple days. I felt bad that he had to kiss me,” you confessed, still feeling a little guilty.

“I’m sure he didn’t mind the kiss from a pretty girl, especially if it was you,” said JJ.

“What do you mean, especially if it was me?” you asked, and JJ looked like she didn’t mean to say that.

“Ugh, okay I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I have a feeling Spence is crushing on you,” JJ told you, your mouth was agape. 

“Y/N how could he not! You’re gorg, talented, and a damsel in distress! I mean you're a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man, but guys go nuts for that savior stuff,” Garcia explained and you laughed.

“I guess that's good,” you said, your smile faltering slightly. “It’s not like we can really do anything about it, though. I mean, wouldn’t he get in trouble or something?” you asked.

“Maybe, but we’re always rooting for his happiness, and you might be it. We wouldn’t want to get in the way of that,” JJ said, sweetly. You had to take a minute to process this. Once you had, you decided to move on to the background checks, forgoing the gossip for now. 

-

The background checks had taken a couple hours, especially because of the occasional gossip break, but everyone you mentioned seemed to be clean. Exhausted, you found an empty desk and curled up onto the chair, resting your head in your arms on the desk. You were drifting off to sleep, almost unconscious when you felt the warmth of a sweater on your back and a kiss on your head.

-

taglist: @mcntsee, @diesinspanishbcimhispanic, @chickens-are-life, @rexorangecouny, @ceeellewrites​

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid/reader #spencer reid angst #Criminal Minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds reid #criminal minds spencer reid #derek morgan #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #hotch #penelope garcia #jennifer jareau

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

#ily<3 #long post

[eitelle]

Hi!! Congrats on 60 followers btw! 💗

I am a female and I’d like to matched up with a guy from Haikyuu. I am ENFJ, (but sometimes enfp). I’m outgoing and generally nice to everyone, but I have a very sassy, goofy personality. Naturally flirty and very affectionate, and my love language is physical touch. I have my moments when I get shy and anxious, especially around someone I really have a crush on. Yet at the same time I’m the person always trying to hug and cuddle my friends even after roasting them. My favorite colors are blue, red, purple and pink. I love some teasing. I’m passionate about acting and singing. I love to listen to all kinds of music. I have long curly blackish hair and I’m 5’2. I’m a Gemini Sun, Cancer Rising and Gemini Moon. I am a caring and adaptable person, and like to make people happy I always finding a way to slip a stupid joke in🙄( joking is my coping mechanism) . My favorite food is tacos. African-American, and I like someone that I can relate to. I don’t have a specific type, but I do like someone with goals and passion. I like someone I can laugh with and also have real conversations with. I’m so into the romantic lovey-dovey stuff, yet sometimes I act like a little boy💀. I can be loud asf, even just when normally talking cause I usually have a lot of energy.

As far as style goes, it varies from 12 year old boy with some joggers and a t-shirt wayyyy too big for me , to like a 90s baddie with some hoops on, to girly with skirts, sweaters and some knee high socks. As far as accomplishments go, I’ve won state in theater and continue to pursue acting. It’s something I’m very passionate about. Some flaws of mine are overthinking and my anxiety. Like I’ll overthink an entire situation before I really know what happened and assume that someone like hates me. Or I’ll assume I’m talking to much and that’s it’s annoying so I just kinda.. shut down. My anxiety can get kinda bad, i get all shaky and I care a lot about what people think of me (although I try to deny it). So I’ll need someone who can bring me back to earth every now and then. But it’s getting better with time and I’m trying to stress myself out less. When I’m out I’ve got such a big personality and I’m making dumb jokes and dancing, but when I get home I’m just chilling and watching anime. (Although I will dance and make jokes if I feel like it). And I’m a night owl!

Sorry if this was too much!! I really appreciate what you are doing 💗.

OH MY GOD IM AN INFJ THAGS SO COOL!! MY ONLINE PERSONALITY IS LOWK ENFJ THO SO I THINK THATS SO SWAG SHSHSHS (if u recall me saying otherwise shhhhh thats when i trusted 16personalities) ALSO STATE IN ACTING??? UR SO COOL WTF?? ANYWAYS

ok i was actually just wanting to do a matchup w this character n it just so happens u seem to literally fit what id say is his ideal type so i have matched you with: semi eita

GOSH I LOVE HIM OK HCS: (also im so sorry for doing these so late shshs 😖)

forst of all hes def helping w ur lines

like hes such a good person to help prep u

hes also like lowk very lowkey shdhd and honest/blunt so if u ever get an anxiety attack i think hed tell u how it is like straight up n that ur overreacting but in the way that snaps u back to reality

n hes like ur anchor shdhd

i think thats so cute

and sometimes he gets stage fright so i feel like your presence would just help comfort him

OOH ALSO YALL WOULD PROB RELEASE SO GS TOGETHER

N HED LOVE SINGING W U 😫‼️

i feel like hed call u angel, his muse, or his bitch. no in between.

i also feel like he loves how hes so pale and his hair is gray and hes tall n ur lowk short n ur skin is darker and ur hair is like complete opposites and he loves that

like the opposites but fits so well together thing

yall def listen to ricky montgomery together idec.

and taylor swift.

ooh i know for a fact that mans had a hamilton phase but thats why hes so hot tbh

yall also make like photo/mood boards of yall or playlists lol i feel so lonely rn help-

if one of ur anxiety attacks comes in public u know this man is gonna pull the “im famous u want a photo?” to drag attention away from u shdh

oh u def call him suga by “accident” to make him mad HAHAHSJSH

prob the clubbing people but i could see him n u watching anime together and u accidentally hum the ops while harmonizing by accident sometimes shahsgdj

GOSH OK THAT WAS LONG SORRY OK ANYWAYS NOW ITS TIME FOR A ONE SHOT!! (also if u ever need to talk ab something my dms r always open!!)

IS THAT THE TOUNGE N LIKE TEETH THING BUT IN ANIME??/7;6&3);&;7: I JEVER NOTICED THIS WHAT THE FUCK

on a normal friday night, a (your age) person would normally be out with friends, or maybe even going clubbing. but not you, no you and your boyfriend were sitting on the couch, howl's moving castle on your tv and your head on his chest.

it was a chill day to say the least, you and him both having a full day off and spending it like this the two of you too exhausted from the weeks events already. you had random music playing in the background. by random i mean random it went from ed sheeran to lil uzivert all the way to BTS; needless to say it was kinda a mess. but that was how you liked it.

all of a sudden ‘The Schuyler Sisters’ from the original broadway cast of hamilton: the musical started blasting interrupting the beautiful silence w background noise.

you turn to look at your boyfriend, your chests now pressed against each other to look at him staring just past you at his phone, a light pink blush tinting his ears.

“a hamilton kid i see..” you tease playfully noticing how he flushed even deeper.

“o-oi shut up, my- my mom set it for me ok?” he tries to say, his excuses unheard as you burst into laughter tired of holding it in.

“we- well at least pick it up,” you say between laughs.

“fine. hello?” he says as he answers the call. “oh- but today, no i understand. of course. ok ill be right there.”

as he shifts you look at him all of a sudden concerned, you didn’t want your boyfriend overworking himself afterall.

“darling is everything ok?” you ask afraid of the answer. then you notice how hes not meeting your eyes and how hes tapping his knee with his pointer finger. his little tell he was trying to hold in laughs. “oh haha very funny semi now drop the act can we please just go back?” you try to reason.

“oh but getting u annoyed like this is so cute >w<“ he laughs seeing you grumble about how he was ‘so annoying’ as you turn to ignore him.

“oh shut up.”

“make me :p”

“maybe i will,” you say before stuffing a pillow in his mouth and leaning your head against it. “now enjoy the movie.” </3

HES SO PRETTY OML 🤩🤤

ohmygod now its time for my last texts for this event ahhh

OK I HOPE U ENJOYED SORRY THIS WAS SO LATE SHDGSH

#AHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHH #OH MY GOD #IM GONNA CRY WOW #THIS EVENT #HAS BEEN #WOW #YEAH #michelles 60 follower matchup event #SHDHJSHDJDHDJD

[hufflautia]

Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know 

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them.  my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help. 

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

[normal-thoughts-official]

ok not to be That Magnus Stan but seeing your last ask... how do you think adhd/sensory issues might intersect with kink for Magnus? (You don't have to answer jkjljljljkllljlk)

i mean pls be That Magnus Stan tbh, and id be more than happy to answer it 👀👀👀

also the ask you’re referring to is no longer my last ask because it took me a while to finish this up, but anyway

ok so there's plenty of things that apply the same way to the both of them - like hyperfixating on their characters when planning roleplay, definitely the whole thing about how domspace (well, subspace for magnus, but u get it) feels a bit like hyperfocus? like his senses are just honed in and particularly for an adhd person that's just great news. like usually his head is all over the place but when he's in subspace he gets that quiet and he's just focusing on his own pleasure and everything else quiets down for a bit

in that sense i feel like it's the opposite of what anon said about being overwhelmed, like, i feel like the enhanced sensations are good for magnus because again adhd = brain desperately looking for stimuli at all times, so when he's engaging in like, orgasm delay/denial, gangbang and the like, he has a clear thing to focus on, sometimes even more than he can really process, and that kind of satisfies his brain?

udhdudndid that sounds stupid but i hope you understand what i mean, like, of course sensory issues could become bad and he might need to safeword but when he's in the proper headspace and he just allows himself to be washed over by the pleasure and let go, it feels like finally his mind is clear. i don't know if i have adhd, but it definitely feels that way for me. also, he might actually need the overstimulation in order to focus and feel pleasure, sometimes. like anything less he just.... wanders away jdhdudjdi i also feel that way

also, warning again just in case! im not saying "wow ppl with adhd are subs". im just conjecturing about how a person who happens to have adhd and be into subbing (and like, specifically the kind of adhd and kinks i hc for magnus) would feel in regards to how those things overlap and change their experience with their pleasure. or well, magnus specifically, not just any person with adhd. but anyway

also that thing i said about following orders and just letting go, like- usually his mind is going a mile a minute, and as a political leader and someone who's been on his own most of his life etc he just worries all the time. how to present, gesticulate, speak, what to say, what to do, he's always hyperaware of his own movements (because he has to) and worrying about others and their pleasure and comfort and shit, so to get to just lie back, not move - be unable to move, even - follow orders and be a good boy? that's some A+ shit right there

you know? he doesnt have to be anxious about anything or try to keep his thoughts and movements in check and guess ppl's reactions or even worry if he's just following orders - orders he knows he'll enjoy, that he's agreed to, planned for, with someone that he trusts - and feeling the pleasure that comes from that. a huge part of his usual thoughts is finally muted and that helps him feel relaxed and mellow and get into subspace. which again, he craves, because usually adhd brain is just aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so subspace is a very welcome and even needed break

even from a neurological standpoint, like... adhd is basically lack of norepinephrine in the brain, and orgasms, especially intense ones, release a lot of that, but I'll try not to nerd out too hard here. tho i might have to go back to that in a minute

isnt it performance art that i had a genius thought that i loved and halfway through finishing the last sentence i just forgot it

oh yeah! thinking specifically about rsd and how this comes into play for someone who's into humiliation kink. there are several psychological analyses that postulate that one of the things attractive about bdsm is that it allows you to explore fears and generally bad situations in a controlled environment. kinda like reading fiction or doing extreme sports. so in that sense bdsm is attractive because it allows you to act on those fears and turn them into something 1- safe, 2- under their control, instead of the other way around, and 3- pleasurable

and like... dont get me wrong it's not that magnus is into being told "ur ugly and no one loves you" or something lmao but in a way humiliation kink is enacting a fantasy of rejection/belittling, except turned inside out? like "you're my good little fucktoy, you were made to be fucked like this, you slut" is degrading and belittling and on the verge of calling someone worthless... except positive. because that's what makes them so great to fuck? so in a way this kind of play flips the tables on many concepts because being a "slut" or a "toy" feels like a compliment. and in this process of degradation you are taking the fear of being worthless and making a scenario where that being true is exactly what makes the person worthwhile

idk i might be reaching a bit here cuz i think im into humiliation that's way more hardcore than i think magnus would be like i straight up enjoy being called worthless lmao but i feel like that makes sense, the way that humiliation/degradation play takes your fear of rejection or shortcoming and is like "but if that were true.... that would make you good" like o shit can't argue with that

and again like.... obviously that's all a very careful line as you're dealing with some sensitive stuff, which is why doms need to go through training to be able to deal with the physical and mental implications of what they're doing. and none of this is conscious of course, i don't think magnus is out there thinking this through deeply or anything, im just saying it's a part of what makes bdsm subconsciously appealing to some ppl. but my point is, rsd might play a part in why magnus is into that mix of praise and humiliation. like i think he needs the praise for reassurance even during play, which alec is more than happy to provide ("you're so beautiful, look at you, so perfect like this, i love you,"), and that kind of play where rejection, praise, and pleasure are all kind of one and the same is appealing because it just makes it all the more overwhelming without actually being negative and your mind is just lost in the almost contradictory stimuli but the pleasure and the positive wins out and you just feel so relaxed and good? yeah

but there's also like, the way that impacts the negative possible outcomes of bdsm. namely, rsd and subdrop

rsd is kind of obvious so i'll try to be brief: it's a sensitive issue and if he's not in the proper headspace for it, it can have the opposite effect and go very wrong very fast, because his reaction to rejection is hyperamplified by it. so if it has the opposite of the desired effect - rejection overpowering praise and pleasure - it might go south so fast he doesnt have the time to yellow. like he can't prevent it before it happens, you know? which is also why i think he wouldn't go Super Deep into humiliation and why the mix with praise is key - which is another way in which they are compatible because alec sure does love praising him

as for subdrop: if you don't know what that is, basically BDSM play is very intense and releases a fuckton of endorphins all at once very fast, so, sometimes, the sub doesn't come down from their orgasm as much as falls facefirst back to earth. meaning, their brain empties itself of endorphins, which leaves them feeling hollow and depressed, sometimes also moody, hypersensitive/prone to crying, fatigued, and just generally bad

which is one of the many reasons aftercare is important! and also proper dom training! with proper aftercare, you can prevent that drop from happening, by keeping the sub feeling positively. reassurance, touch, and other forms to bring physical and/or psychological relief and/or pleasure helps keep their brain from just crashing once the rush of endorphins is over, so it lasts a little longer and they can come down from the high gently. work those neurotransmitters yall! keep them up and running!

so anyway i feel like subdrop is not only a bigger deal for ppl with adhd (because adhd is already a lack of neurotransmitters so fucking up your balance even further is Very Bad), but also more likely to happen if you're not careful, because the "regular" adhd brain already has a lack of neurotransmitters, which keep those endorphins running. so adhd ppl might "run out" of them even easier

NOTE: i'm not affirming that, this is a shot in the dark. i have no data or research to back that up and im nowhere near an expert in neuroscience, i just know the basics. so don't take this part too seriously and definitely don't quote me on it

but anyWAY yeah. my point is, subdrop can be a problem so it’s something that he tries to be prepared for, have some snacks before and after, do proper aftercare, etc. like i said, it’s mostly preventable, although sometimes stuff like this happens even if you do your best. but anyway

and there’s another thing too, which is that one possible sympton of subdrop is feeling rejected and alone. which is super fun when you have rsd! so yeah. subdrop can be very bad for magnus. and like, don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying it happens every time or super frequently or something, but it IS something he has to watch out for possibly more than others haha man thinking about how camille didn’t care about this at ALL. he knows it can be bad, but he’s also learnt how to prevent it for him, and as the healthy bastards that they are, magnus and alec talk about that in length. during alec’s Research™ he comes across that concept and he brings it up with magnus and makes sure that he knows everything there is to know about how and when magnus experiences subdrop and how to deal with that. he also makes magnus promise to let him know if he ever has it, because alec WILL drop everything to go and give him extra care. and it’s sweet

on a better note! BDSM has been shown to be associated with lower levels of rejection sensitivity among practitioners. so that’s nice? like obviously magnus won’t find the cure for his rsd with BDSM or anything, but i like the idea of magnus opening his eyes one day and realizing that hey, ever since alec and i have been doing play more often, i’ve been feeling a little less affected by rejection?

also like, BDSM as a whole helps enhance trust and communication in a relationship (obviously it needs to already be there for the BDSM activities to take place and like please everyone everything i’m saying here is on people who enjoy it. how you perceive these actions is heavily influenced by whether or not you enjoyed them so i’m not saying that BDSM is great for everyone, i’m saying that it’s great for people who are into it. so don’t go thinking BDSM will do your relationship good or something, k? k) for obvious reasons, so that also helps magnus feel more secure you know. so that’s a positive way that these things interact too 

and okay, i think that’s all i have? not that this isn’t gigantic but like you know. i don’t know how to end this other than uh i had fun answering that ask! also, again, i’m not a psychologist or a neuroscientist and there is actually pretty little research on the psychological effects of BDSM as most of the discussion seems to be centered on “is kink a disease?” due to stigmatization, so like, please, i’m doing this for fun, alright? i tried to make it as accurate as possible and also i get Into It and dive deep into research sometimes so while this is a somewhat educated guess, don’t take everything i say here as face value

in short, thanks for asking! 

#ask #anonymous #hooo boy this is long and i've been at it for a while but it's here at least #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #sub magnus bane #adhd magnus bane #malec #meta #magnus bane meta #dirty mention #long post #also this is officially my 41.000th post #yay!"

[violasmirabiles]

this days going fuckin GREAT

havent slept ONE FUCKING SECOND

went like that to my (apparently last) appointment with the psych nurse

(apparently last cos i was referred to the More Specialized Mental Health Care Place Thing) 

somehow managed to be honest

like she asked how i was doing this fine morning, seeing me lounging on my couch with my huge pink floyd the wall coffee mug

and im halfway into saying yeah im doing great! :)

but then catch myself cos what the fuck

i didnt sleep at all last night

didnt sleep between friday and saturday either and im not 100% sure what day it is cos everythings blending into everything

her face just. falls

at this point im crying

ive spent the entire last hour crying

while simultaneously Making Jokes about what a fucking train wreck i am cos cant make anyone think im not funny haha

shes not laughing

ive got deadlines piling up and no idea what to do about ANYTHING and that causes stress and that makes me Not Sleep

havent taken my sleeping pills either cos after a sleepless night i dont feel like i Deserve to take one cos Obviously i should be too tired to need them

i say and stay up till 2am because what the fuck

she says shes more worried about me getting enough sleep than of me taking sleeping pills every night

shes got a point

my brains not fucking taking it

she gets to witness a me vs. my hell brain fight in real time

her face just. makes me cry harder

im so tired

and not even the sleepy way

she basically tells me to get my shit together re: the entire sleeping business and not worry about ANy classes Any deadlines ANything but that cos how the hell am i supposed to be able to anything if i dont have enough energy cos i dont fucking sleep

again shes got a point

and my brains not fucking having it

she gets to witness some more rational brain vs. mental illness brain fighting

im 10000% sure my sleep problems are going nowhere and im Failing Everyone and especially her if i dont get it 100% under control by october 15 (our apparently Final Appointment before the other place takes charge)

i fucking hate myself????

this is SLEEP were talking about

i should be able to fucking sleep

what the Fuck

she tells me to stop thinking about everything i “should be doing” for a bit and just. see how far ive become 

like damn i have a degree im fighting with the social service system and am as of now on top of That shit

and i have depression

i possibly have adhd

and kela is an obvious fucking trigger to me

which once again is embarrassing as hell to me lol would love to be able to check shit without getting a massive anxiety attack

but like. the thought of not completing every single one of the classes in my (already adjusted because of This Fuck Shit) study plan makes me want to [big redacted]

so i cant. do anything how can i fucking sleep when im supposed to Do Shit and i cant and ????? this thought makes as much sense to me as it does to you

also im not sure how much of this my flatmate heard

so im embarrassed to come out of my room now

its embarrassing enough to hear them wake up and move about and realize that oh yeah its fuckin 7:30 in the morning its the normal functional people wake up time

i dont know

fuck

at least i still have a few hours before my only class of the day

during which time i should do Everything but i cant focus on shit im anxious as hell and feel drunk in the worst possible fucking way

so naturally i hate myself cos who the fuck else am i supposed to blame for this

:)

anyway hope yall r having a Fabulous tuesday

#kela ei tue mulle enää terapiaa ja kaikki on mennyt päin vittua blues

[jcmorgenstern]

Hey kid wanna cry Remember that kiss between Clary and 'Sebastian' in s2, after Clary says that Jonathan deserves to be saved? How desperate that kiss was. Now knowing the that for years Jonathan was clinging to the idea that somewhere out there theres a person who will save him, who will not hurt and abandon him puts the whole scene in different perspective 😢

you’re very right and you should fucknig say it anon!!

I’m trying to get over my annoyance with how much they’ve fucked Jonathan’s storyline (and my god, the timeline)–the demon clary kills in s1 at the EARLIEST appears at the most 2 months ago, which means Jonathan only learned she existed 2 months ago max. He then, in that time, made a deal with Azazel to get out of hell, walked to Paris, kidnapped Sebastian at a cafe, moved to New York, rented an apartment, knew enough about the goings on at the institute to steal the sword (Genuinely blanking on how he got the Cup to summon Azazel–i knew at one point but rn im anxious and caffeinated), summoned Azazel, infiltrated the Institute….like this is fucking insane on so many levels, and now he can’t even find a sword? ??? ?? ? ? ? like damn need me that kind of motivation on my finals

(also im pre sure aline mentions sebastian dissapeared more than two months ago but lmao what’s consistency)

I actually really liked the prince/princess thing, because it flips the very gendered script by having Jonathan wish for Clary to save him. and Clary IS that figure–she goes to insane lengths to protect and save Jace. I don’t think Clary’s horror at realizing she could have but didn’t save Jonathan is her being like “oh damn im a woman therefore it’s my job,” it’s that being powerless or failing to save a life is one of her worst fears, and she’s upset that yet another family member is “lost” to her. Her entire arc is unified by the theme of finding and wanting to keep her family and loved ones (both family by blood or by familial love) safe. It’s also a callback to the books (a thread that is completely dropped) where she writes a comic about a dark prince that she interprets to be “Sebastian.”

When Jonathan calls “you were supposed to be my princess” after her, he doesn’t mean “I was supposed to carry u away at the altar and we’d make babies in heterosexual union,” he means “you were supposed to be my knight in shining armor and rescue me from the dragon/evil stepmother.” In the context of the story as it’s told–Jonathan as Rapunzel (or Fiona LMAOO) in the tower crying for help, and Clary the knight with the sword only the chosen one can wield riding to his rescue–I feel that meaning is fairly obvious if you understand his character beyond “ew incest lol.”

To put it more academically: in the terms of a feminist reading of the fairytale, Jonathan understands himself not as Clary’s possessor, but the “princess” she as the (traditionally male) knight rescuer is entitled to after the rescue. It may actually deliberately echo the book line where Clary asks Jonathan “who do you belong to.” The script of Jonathan as the hyperagressive, masculine aggressor stalking the (artificially) agency-less woman is complicated by his dual role as the traditionally female victim of abuse waiting to be rescued by the traditional male rescuer. In just a quick few minutes we get a whole different dynamic where we realize Jonathan doesn’t feel he is entitled to her–from his (warped) point of view, he feels she is entitled to him. Jonathan views the act of receiving love in terms of his usefulness or how his identity/abilities/whatever can be exploited by whoever loves him (see: his speech to her about Valentine)–his confusion about why she doesn’t “want” him is because well, she defended him once as anon says, she saved him by giving him hope, she must love him–why won’t she take what’s hers?

This is the dynamic I’m fascinated by–I’ve always read Jonathan as an oddly feminized villain considering his other position as a hyperaggressive rapist–if I were to go full batshit on yall I’d bust out a “queer-coded men presented as often ineffectual rapists” reading but. ill leave that for another time.  or never. I feel the books made that reading very available by sexualizing his abuse by revealing his whip scars in a situation where he takes his shirt off and Clary is uncomfortably thirsty (and the audience is VERY comfortably thirsty). It’s also very surface-level and never really brought up again–something else you’d expect from a presentation of a female character’s abuse.

The show complicates it by presenting the product of Jonathan’s abuse as something to be reviled and horrific, but also kind of pathetically comedic. A male victim of abuse that actually lets the effects show is clearly something to be othered, pathologized, made into something charred and inhuman. The power and agency expected of a male character is restored to him in his rebirth, when the narrative invites you to consider whether he really could change; as that agency is slowly stripped away through imprisonment, a botched matricide attempt, implied (past) sexual assault, it’s paired with his implied descent into irredeemabe villainhood.

I fully realize I’ve jumped so far off the deep end I may as well have started burrowing into the ground of that metaphorical pool, but I think Jonathan’s dual status as feminized victim and masculinized rapist explains why some female fans find Jonathan deeply and fundamentally abhorrent and others find him sympathetic and relatable. Both, I think, are legitimate readings and reactions made available by the text–it’s a question not of whether people think rape is okay or not, but which of his dual gendered positions each person find more salient.

(I’d also argue the same could be said of Jace–do you see him as the typical heterosexual male jock, or the sensitive victim of abuse who struggles with his mental health? Honestly, this model applies to so many other characters–Tony Stark, for example, or Loki). I think it’s important as fans to appreciate, no matter your position or reading of a character, the alternate readings available–I understand why people hate Jonathan and are deeply uncomfortable with him, even if I don’t feel the same way. I don’t take Jonathan hate as a personal attack against my reading specifically, but against the person’s own particular interpretation of him. (I do often get annoyed if people deny the possibility of alternate readings, and probably get pissy in general, but shh).

anyway tldr this was actually just top/bottom discourse in disguise JONATHAN MORGENSTERN IS A BOTTOM thanks for coming to my TED talk haha gotcha

#i love a crispy boy #this is LITERALLY MY MASTERPIECE #friend anon #cripsy chat #jonathan morgenstern #I FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT THIS ill even put it in the tag #we out there!!!!! #sh spoilers #misuse of gender theory and cultural studies

[kataracy]

My job just does not care that rent is like 400+ huh cool cool im about to go awf under this read more if yall dont mind

FREGIURGTTKJLKKSAKDSFKAFSLJL GOD FUCKING FUCK?WHAT IS THE DEAL FFFFFFF ok story time:

So I work at corner bakery cafe its a weird fusion fast casual place where i make $9/hr, less than what i’ve made from my  last jobs but incredibly close to where i live like deadass across the street. So I have a manager that I steadily don’t get along with, he’s a blowhard. He picks a person to be mad at for the day, he hovers, he treats the girls there like his personal punching bags and I noticed all of that and started to dislike him to the point where I just couldn’t work with him. 

I would go in on days where he would close, because i work the night shift (my job favors the day shift btw. They only care about having people work in the day shift the dont give a fuck about night crew is ridiculous how much the dont clean up after their shifts and we have to pick up behind these grown ass women) and i would noticeably make little o no effort to converse with him, I just went in, did my job and went home. 

He would write me up for not saying hi to him. He would constantly start telling the GM I was being insubordinate when i was literally doing everything good at my job except talking to his sensitive ass. So I complained to the GM. I begged him to not put me on any more shifts with this manager because i was Tired of getting written u for nothing and I was tired of not having fun at my job. I was getting anxiety attacks while working with this dude it was so bad because again, he HOVERS. HE STANDS IN THE FRONT WHEN THERE IS OTHER STUFF TO DO AND JUST FUCKING HOVERS LIKE CAN YOU GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO and my GM said ok its fine we know (BECAUSE THE DONT LIKE HIM EITHER WE LITERALLY WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE DID NOT LIKE THIS DUDE OK NONE OF THE MANAGERS LIKE HIM) we will try not to put you on the same shift, we’ll let Z (the scheduling manager) know and if u do have to be scheduled with him make sure you find a cover and we’ll tell him to leave you alone because we know you know how to do your job.

So. That was a fucking lie.

They keep scheduling him with me. I tell another manager I don’t like him and why and he says I get it I’ll let B (GM) know. 

So I keep getting scheduled with him. And how the hell am I supposed to know when because, the managers have an entirely different schedule thats just their shifts and its fucking private. They end up scheduling me with him again and again and I just don’t show up one day I let the night manager know hey im not coming in on these 2 days, i found someone for this day but not this one so i hope yall find someone.

And then the next day, im getting called by a coworker like hey where are you are you coming in and i say no. no im not. i gave the managers plenty of time ( a whole fucking day) to find someone else bc they know i dont like working with this man. i said im not coming in repeatedly. im not coming in. but the coworker keeps fucking picking at me and saying hey they dont have anyone can you please come and then i get so pissed off i say im on my way and when i get there the fucking manager says you can go home i found someone.

I get so pissed. Why did you keep calling me then?

I didn;t call you they called you.

and the coworker that kept calling me and making me feel guilty for not wanting to work with this man who makes me uncomfortable and pissed and anxious, is my boyfriend. My fucking boyfriend decided this job was more important than my feelings that day and it was beyond hurtful dude im tearing up just talking about it because god it hurt, it was like a dramatic ass betrayal (AND THAT JOB IS SO DRAMATIC BY THE WAY THEY WILL GET SO FUCKING UNCOORDINATED OVER A SMALL RUSH ITS THE STUPIDEST SHIT)

So I go back there and im so angry now. Why have you been blowing up my phone to tell me to come in and being so dramatic. There arent even any customers in here. Why did you keep calling me asking me to come in when they already found somebody.

They just found somebody.

So you could call me and even come back home to fucking say they asked you to come get me> But you cant find the time to pick up the phone again and send a quick nvm?

The next day im scheduled. Another write up from the manager who loves writing me up. because he couldn’t be a fucking manager and just find a replacement no, he had to call and tattle-tell on me to the GM for nothing. I get called in to office by the scheduling manager.

So GM asked me to have you read this, its a warning. I heard you have problems with B and I din’t know that.

I find out they never fucking told the scheduling manager. they lied to me to just keep me coming in.

And... listen. look. I get that everyone in that place must have a complaint. I get that the managers must hear complaints all the time but. just because they do, does not mean my complaint matters less. Im a young woman who is uncomfortable working with an older male manager, how about yall give a shit about that at least. This job didnt care about me the entire time and that hurts even fucking more.

So now, im only getting two days. Because instead of the other managers just stepping up and working the easy night shift, instead of being accommodating and considerate, they decide to just shit on my feelings like this. 

The last time I went in. the manager is fucking talking to me because thats what fucking happens. The more you work with someone like that, the more they get use to you not liking them and being uncomfortable with them and they decide they dont fucking care, that they dont have o be accountable. that they can just keep messing with you. My last shift was so anxiety riddled I had to excuse myself 5 times (I counted the tissues) to go fucking cry because of how awful it felt to just, be surrounded by so many people who have the power to do something and yet, decide they just dont feel like it. 

He keeps his shifts and i have to deal with having 2.

He works on salary, I have  9 dollars an hour.

my bf and i had to move out of our 1 bedroom that we share with his dad because we needed the space and rent is an extra $100. I broke my glasses last month and cant afford to get replacements so i have been straining my eyes faily. I have to pay a full internet bill from my account and my bf gives me half of that. the dog wont stop fucking barking and giving the cat fleas. My mother and I dont speak, we have no relationship. I dont want to ask my aunts for money any more than i already do, i have no family out here, i only have like 3 friends that are close enough to visit and even then, i dont have a car and “close” equals driving distance and... i’m just

I am so exhausted haha. its been such a long few months. The ups and downs are there but, the downs have been so much more amplified lately its hard to see a silver lining so i just, idk, I dont know. I do not know.

I got our new schedule today. Only two days. This ko-fi stuff and this commission stuff guys its what i have right now. Its what i need to work because nothing else is. lol im not a begging person, im not like... this. Im not so open but, i could really use any help right now, please. Just share the links, if u dont see something u like maybe someone else will, and that hope is the only thing i can look forward to right now. thanks for reading this far if u did. thanks for listening to me yell about avatar for all these years thanks for following me and giving me notes and making me laugh and making me smile and im burned out after all of this so, take care guys.

#this is more a main blog topic but i consider this my main blog since i interact with this one more than my other even though im trying #to leave tumblr #it is so hard to type without glasses im like putting my face on the keyboard to be able to see the screen pft #after this post goes up i will reblog my com sheet again if i havemt already #i need to lay down my cramps are killing my back and in hindsight thats probably why im so openly emotional rn

[ifeelsoemptysometimes]

I really hate that I vant do think when i wabt to. Not doing them makes me so anxious but thinking doing them also majes me anxious so im stuck in a place were i really want to but at the same time i really dont want to. I just hate it. I wish I had someone who could encourage me to do my work. Some one who will sit down with me and help me figure things out but then even that isn't good. I can't depend on others to help me but then, its not like I can depend on much either haha. Im a whole mess. I wish my dad listened to me. My opportunity isn't going anywhere. It probably would have been better too but no. Nononono I dont have a choice he said. I want to give up i want to stop everything and run away but I cant I cant I cant. Its so funny, I wonder what kind of person I'd be now if I got the "help" I needed as a child. I put help in quotation mark bc I dont know if there's something actually wrong with me but as I heard someone say, normal people don't question whether there's something wrong with them. Or do they? Idk I heard this on tiktok so how much truth can this actually hold? Idk. But, sometimes just feel like im trying to convince myself that's there's something wrong with me when there's not but why would I even do that?? Thetes no benefits for me to pretend and lie about it. Idk my mind is so twisted that I gaslight myself haha! Haha I wish I could spiral, spiral so deep that I can't come back up. For why?? So that oncan avoid responsibility?? Yea i guess. Is that bad?? Is it bad to think that?? Its honestly quite funny and sad and pathetic to see when I go into work and my supervisor tells me how one of our kids has low self esteem and that we are gonna come up with activities to help them bring it up and I just sit here thinking "wow you could have helped me as a child but my mom refused yalls help even though this would have cost you nothing" not even a dime. Unless she where to take me some private clinic them maybe it would have cost her but whatever that not the conversation here haha." Or maybe this is just me trying to find some to blame for my academic failures and fears? Its more than just that but I think that can be the start of it all?? I could have gotten help though out the years. But maybe I'm just good at pretending like everything is fine?? ...No i don't think so. Maybe I was just ignored. Despite the fact that I was told that I suffered a lot in school.. no im not good at pretending. "4th grade was when you shaped up." Shaped up?? You call that shaped up??? I cant even come to comprehend how I even got past those school years. How im a senior in college?? Its beyond me how I'm even at this point un my life. My guess it was bybthe grace of God and I definitely don't deserve that. I dont think deserve any of this. I dont know what I deserve. Or do i?? I honestly don't even know. I dont know. I wonder who id be right now if I got the "help" I needed as a child. Would anything have changed?? Would i still be sitting here, typing this out?? I hope it would have but as you can tell things didn't go down that path.

[jisungsplatforms]

once you see this, say 5 things you like about yourself, publicly, then send it to 10 of your favorite followers SPREAD THE LOVE! 💌

Hi! I hope this doesn't bother you, because chain anon and everything but I love you & your blog and I feel honoured you follow me!!

hi hi!! i don’t mind these type of things cause i’m a whore for interaction so go wild! hope you’re having a WONDERFUL morning/afternoon/night bub! now five things i like about myself would beeee...

1. my sense of style (i like to think i’m pretty fashionable)

2. my body! (soft, squishy, and, more importantly, great for cuddling! 🫂)

3. my artistic abilities (meh. it’s definitely at least above average...and it’s the only thing i have that i’m proud of cause i ain’t exactly the smartest HAHA)

4. my introverted-ness (cause irl i’m really quiet, especially around new people, so if i’m loud and annoying with you, then think of that as a compliment!)

5. my sense of humor! (it seriously doesn’t take a lot for me to laugh/giggle/or smile alsjmsnk i just like good vibes!)

also i saw that there are 6 other people tagged me to do this too so; @etherealeeknow @sailorhyunjinz @that-anxious-bisexual @bobateastay @linoskitty @binniesthighs this is dedicated to yall too!

i’m pretty sure that almost everyone i know here have already done this and i don’t really wanna spam anyone if they already did this (cause im like a day late to the party plus i’d feel bad) but just know! if i’ve interacted with you (off anons or even just once) then that means you’re one of my favorites!

#ina’s baby anons #a lot of people surprisingly sent/tagged this to me #so i just answered the most recent ask of this question #ps sorry for being a little inactive for the past few days! #life’s been a little busy unfortunately :/ #but oh well! #at least i’m back now! :] #and if i’ve interacted with someone off anons #then that means i REALLY wanted to be their friend ALKSKSJ #cause i’m really shy and social interaction scares me (online and irl) 😬

[jinwoowoohoo]

Astro in DC~

Hello! I’m here to give you my complete fanmeet experience to the best of my abilities~ I’m going to preface this by saying I’d been feeling ill the past few days, so it took a lot of my willpower just to keep myself standing for a fair chunk of the show…. Which means 1) my memory is a bit fuzzy and 2) I just did not have the brainpower to focus on every member, so this is a very Jinwoo-biased fan account (not that any of you should be surprised tbh).

P.S. I’m sorry I wrote a literal novel;;; this is largely to help me remember it all both now and in the future, but I also wanted to share!

(rip mobile users someone please teach how to actually make readmores work on mobile edit: never mind my iPad did the thing! Bless)

The Beginning:

The girl who did the cover dance absolutely rocked it, and the crowd had no problem hyping her up - she performed Again and we were fanchanting and everything~ And then when she finished the lights dimmed, she left the stage, and we all waited very anxiously for the real show to begin.

Now. I knew going in that Jinjin would be the first on stage with his dance solo, but that did not stop him from still completely taking my breath away (like I actually gasped and put my hand on my chest/over my mouth). It was the moment of realization that he’s real! And really here!! And he’s doing his thing!!! Like I’m still processing the feeling of seeing him in real 3D space, seeing his body as a real human body, with depth and warmth, not just a flat image (I hope that doesn’t sound weird??). And man did he kill that solo. I always love when he gets a chance to bust out his house dance skills 💕 (I should actually check cams from the other shows to see if he was doing a set choreo or going freestyle 👀). And then, of course the Rocko man himself came out, and proceeded to just destroy us all (and booooy was the crowd Rocky biased - the screams for him were REAL yall).

Once that section was done the rest of the boys came out and!! Myungjun was in just a black tshirt and jeans!!! How dare he attack me so soon into the show!!! 

They performed Again which was stellar as always, and then they segwayed into Baby. And things got LIT. Their demeanor changed, the crowd energy changed, it was just. Exactly the mood you’d expect from Baby~ The boys got really smiley and just looked like they were so happy! Just rainbows and sparkles all around haha

After baby finished they did their intros! Jinjin went first and of course intro’d himself as the leader and main visual. Eunwoo said a good bit in English but so help me if I remember any of it 😰 Moonbin gave his whole intro in English too! And you can seriously tell how hard he worked to be able to do so!! Like he really said a lot and you could tell he was thinking carefully as he was talking, I was so proud of him :’) He’s adorable, his voice is adorable, hearing him say ‘puppycat’ is deadly 😂 Mj introduced himself as the happy virus, and I unfortunately don’t remember the rest of his or Socky’s intros :( After intros, the staff brought out chairs and they sat down for q&a time!

Q&A:

If you had drawn a line directly from my seat to the stage, that’s where Jinwoo was sitting :“”“”“”) So basically I had the perfect view of him (even if I was like 12 rows back). I cant remember everything that was asked/said (im sure there are 100 fancams anyway) but some highlights include:

♥ The first question was who pays for meals the most, and they did the 3-2-1-point thing; everyone pointed to Jinjin. Then they said some stuff I couldn’t hear/catch, but it ended with Jinwoo saying something (in English!) about no longer having access to his mom’s card 😂😂

♥ Someone asking Bin his workout routine, and him genuinely telling us lmaoo And every time he would name an activity (running, weights, etc) Jinwoo would be in his chair just miming it out like a NERD 😂 (Jinwoo was just generally very animated and interactive, and he was smiling soooo muuuuuch you could just tell he was in a good mood!!)

♥ Someone asked what the members needed to have when traveling. Rocky said mask pack, Jinwoo said Arohas love 😑, I didn’t catch what Eunwoo said??, I think Bin also said Arohas love, MJ said contacts and something else genuine, and Sanha said?? He brought Jinjin??? And Jinwoo was just like ???????????????? What are you talking about 😂😂

♥ Someone asked who’s the best cook/who cooks the most and what do they make. Immediately Sanha just goes “not me!” and everyone laughs. They said they really don’t cook much at home, but Bin likes to cook and wants to make food for the upcoming birthdays! :’)

After the q&a they introduced/moved into Run which, again, Jinwoo’s position was DIRECTLY in line with my seat for a lot of the song; I was #blessed. Also at the very beginning when they were passing the mic down the line, Eunwoo teased Sanha and almost didn’t give him the mic in time - the baby got a little flustered 😝 (P.S. Sanha is the most adorable and pure being on this earth, and I’m pretty sure his giggle could cure cancer. I still can’t believe I got to hear it in person.)

So Run was good, the crowd def didn’t know the lyrics as well as the other songs but the spirit was still there! And then then segwayed into Crazy Sexy Cool and for some??  reason??? I have very little memory of it…. I do remember the fanchants being STRONG though, esp for rapline haha

After that I think they took a short break while the MC did his thing, then they brought the boys back out for gaaaaame tiiiiiiime 😀😀

Game Time:

The first game was the mystery box one, and the members were divided by staff into Hyung line vs Maknae line. The grandpas being on the same team were, of course, being goofy and extra af lmao (And Eunwoo just stood there laughing as usual). They r/p/scissored to see which team would go first - it was Jinwoo vs Rocky, and Jinwoo decided to be Extra™ and do it by turning away from Rocko and sticking his arm out behind him. Rocky won, and I’m like 99% sure he totally cheated and waited a split second for Jinjin to throw his hand before showing his own….

But either way, Maknae team won so they made Hyung team go first. Before they brought out the box there was some hyping/smack talk~ Eunwoo said (approximately) in English “Just one thing: we win >:)” and then our precious child Sanha goes, also in English (approximately) “Just one thing: You lose!” It was seriously the cutest ah my heart 💖 So they brought out the box, and the thing they had to guess was…. Raw egg 😫😫 Maknae team peeked at what they’d have to guess and omg their reactions 😂😂 They were thoroughly grossed out and excited for the other team to suffer lmaoo

So Jinjin went first, and he took off his jacket and rolled up one shirt sleeve and he;;;; has a very nice forearm;;;;; You should find fancams for their reactions tbh bc there’s no way I could do them justice, but watching Jinwoo’s face distort in discomfort and hearing him let out a small scream was sure something 😂😂 Because it was raw egg it was suuuper wet and drippy and gross and you could seeee it dripping off his fingers when he took his hand out of the box 😣😝 (the staff had towels at the ready, don’t worry). He removed his hand from the box, wiped it off a bit, and then smelled his fingers and as soon as he did that we was like “…aaaaaaaaah 😈😈” so he probably figured it out right away. Mj was next and of course he had to be a little extra when putting his hand in, walking his fingers around the opening a bit before diving in. And then as soon as he touched it he just full on screamed 😂😂 And he kept screaming and making weird noises for a bit, then he got a little used to it and was like “ooooh 😳” I can’t remember anything he might have done after that 😩 Eunwoo went third and was def the most anxious. He stuck his hand in and I can’t remember if he even touched it or not before he freaked and pulled his hand back out 😂 Again that’s really all I can remember from him 😢 Then they had 15 seconds to collude as a team and settle on their answer, and they guessed it right!! Also once the crowd heard what it was they had touched we were all just like “eeeeww oh noooooooo!! DD: ” And then. And then the Extra Bros™ Myungjin start acting like chickens =w=;;;; There were fair amounts of butt wiggling. (MJ started it of course).

So! They guessed right! Which meant if Maknae line couldn’t get theirs then they would have to do a punishment. So. The staff brought out the next item, which was white and round and squishy. Hyung line snuck a peek and they were just standing there poking it 😂😂 And then freaking troll Eunwoo said to the other team “guys be careful! Its moving! Its alive!!!” And Myungjin went along with him on it lmao Maknae line didn’t really know what to make make of them lol

Rocky went first, and he really Did Not want to stick his hand in there - you could just see the classic suffering smile on his face. He definitely yelled several times when touching it (not a scream, but a very Rocky yell haha) Once he was done he seemed to have an idea what it was, and started whispering in Bins ear. Sanha went second and he was… well…. Sanha lol Very squirmy, very screamy. Bin went last (I think, he and Sanha might be switched aaah I’m so sorry), and I don’t really remember Bins reaction while his hand was in the box at all. I do know that he was like full-on squeezing the thing and the MC was losin it at him, and after he took his hand out he sniffed his hand and then licked it =w=;;;;; and all of us were just like Bin no!!!! Then he went back and there was more Moonrock ear whispering.

Once all 3 went they had their 15 seconds to decide, and I didn’t understand what the answer they gave was (it was hard to hear Rocky and the MC didn’t repeat what he said for us) buuuuuuuut it was wrong! The right answer was a ball of mozzarella cheese~~ Hyung line of course started taunting them for losing (mostly led by Jinwoo) and even got the whole crowd involved 😂😂 And thus the losing team was introduced to their punishment: they had to spell their names. With their butts. Sexily. (And I was like you’re going to make the Maknaes do what?????). So Bin went first and he pretty much died of embarrassment one letter in, but he powered through! Rocko was next and he was also internally dying (and externally yelling 😂) but the dancer part of him took over and booooy does he have balance and body control. I’m pretty sure after he was done he ran and hugged Bin to deal with his embarrassment and the crowd LOVED that 😂 Sanha went last and the MC had to torture him!! And make him do his full name!! 😭😭 Of course it was more awkwardly cute than sexy, and him saying the letters as he went was unbearably adorable. (I honestly covered my eyes/turned away to laugh/cringe for most of the punishments =w=)

The next game was guessing the song based on choreo. They split up into teams by randomly selecting colored papers and somehow!! Binu still managed to be a team!! How many times has this happened now????? The other teams were JinHa and RaMyung. They were deciding who should go first and Bin said the “maknae” team should go first (referring to RaMyung) and literally everyone was just like what are you on about????? 😂😂 Fake Maknae MJ strikes again! They r/p/scissored for team order again and I’m like 80% sure Rocko cheated again 👀👀👀 But either way the order ended up as Binu, RaMyung, JinHa. Binu actually did really well!!! with Bin dancing and Eunwoo guessing, but I have to shame Woo for not getting Sistar’s Shake It like boy come on! I think they got 6+ right? RaMyung were…. less successful, but it was honestly more on Rocky??? I think he just like panicked and couldn’t straighten out in his brain what he should actually be doing with his body, then the ones he did actually do the dance to MJ was pretty hit or miss 😂 But they still got a few!! Aaaand then came JinHa… For some reason they decided Sanha should do the dancing, and well…. He passed like every other one, and I don’t think Jinwoo was able to guess a single one 😂 It was just a lot of panic and failure lmaoo So needless to say their team came dead last.

It was decided both losing teams had to do punishment, and that punishment was 40 pushups per team. However the MC said they could divide that any way they wanted, for example Sanha could do 1 and Jinjin 39. JinHa team went first, and Sanha volunteered to do his share first. And the kid got down, wiggled into position, did 1 pushup, and stood back up like “all done!” 😂😂 We got to witness Jinwoo’s legendary ‘possibly contemplating murder rn’ face 😂😂 But then Sanha got back down - and as he was going of course Jinwoo was starting to take his jacket off to prepare for his half but then we reached 20… And 21… And 22… And Sanha kept going all the way to 40! So Jinwoo didn’t have to do anything, and he seemed really pleased :) and was like *shrugs* alright then and put his jacket back on. Mj went first for RaMyung team and bless his heart he did the whole 40 too so Rocky didn’t have to.

The final game was random play dance and there wasn’t much to it really, they just ran through the point parts of 2 other group songs (BTS Dope and Apink No No No). They all did fine for BTS of course, but Binnie KILLED it with Apink lmao to the point where the rest of the members kinda stopped and just let him shine. The final song was one from Dream Part 01 but I cannot for the life of me remember which one it was 😩 I want to say Dream Night or Dreams Come True?? (Watch it be neither akdbsj)

And that was the end of game time! I think they maybe took another quick break, but maybe not idk;;; and then we segwayed into Breathless!

And boy let me tell you, Aroha get PUMPED for Breathless. Confession too tbh, like I don’t remember much from CSC but I definitely remember people just going hardcore with love for these songs haha And I’m pretty sure the boys could feel the passion for them too~ Also during Breathless when Moonrock have their dance bit and then it switches to a rapline dance bit, Jinwoo’s shirt came up a little bit and idk why that suddenly affected me so much but I literally like gasped said “oh my god” out loud 😳

They then moved into the final ment, which worried me at first as I thought maybe we had to skip You & Me due to time or something, but nope they just did the ment first!

Final Ment:

I don’t really remember much of what they said, but I do know Eunwoo said that when he was younger DC was one of the cities he dreamed of visiting, and that it was a beautiful place~ And I think it was MJ(??) who said DC Aroha are the best of the 3 shows so far of course~ 😂😂 Omg and Rocky, when he was in the middle of his ment (I think that’s when this happened anyway aksbaj my awful memory) he just stops like mid-thought and goes “I can’t see” and does the most epic hair flip to get the hair out of his eyes, then just stands there for like 10 seconds basking in his new-found vision. It was so majestic and unexpected I doubled over laughing 😂😂😂 They also said they know it’s hard for us to see them and they were grateful to us for waiting for them, and they would be waiting for us in Korea as well~

For You & Me they first asked if everyone knew the choreo, and enough people said yes that the were like “alright then, show us what you got!” and the music for the chorus played and we all did our darn best to remember the choreo (I failed, I didn’t refresh my memory beforehand and couldn’t remember it well enough =w=;;;) They seemed genuinely impressed by how we did overall though! After that they had Sanha teach us how it goes cutely, and yeah, it’s exactly what you’d expect from that sentence 😂 Once everyone had learned from Captain Sanha and practiced a couple times, they started the song for real! And I already posted about it, but it really is softest, warmest, sweetest experience. To have everyone in the crowd doing choreo and interacting with their neighbors whether they knew them or not it just, i don’t even know how to describe it, it’s just nice?? And lots of people were giggling and smiling, including my right-side partner, which was so fun to turn to each time 💕💕 I definitely got a little emotional during it (but I didn’t cry! Go me!) Edit: Also I forgot but when Jinwoo started to move to the front to do his rap, MJ pushed him out of the way and did it instead! Jinwoo was hyping him up and laughing his butt off 😂😂 And MJ genuinely did really well

 After Y&M they gave their official goodbye and left the stage, and almost immediately the crowd started chanting “encore!” and as expected, after a bit they came back out~

Encore:

Our encore was I’ll Be There and they were throwing out bags of gummy bears. Also for the encore a TON of people rushed the stage, including like everyone to the front and right of me. Soooooooo~ When Jinwoo threw some into our area, there was nobody but me to retrieve it :’) (I maaay have accidentally body slammed the seat in front of me trying to catch it 😅) In my wildest dreams he threw it to me on purpose, but in reality he never actually looked at me so I doubt it (it’s nice to have dreams though 😂) Some people who were up at the stage got some great footage of Jinwoo getting right up into their camera’s business so I look forward to seeing those 👀👀

Once they ran out of candy and the song ended it was officially time for them to say goodbye 😢 They gave their last “Wanna be your ☆” and took a bow, then headed backstage to chill until perks began!

Hi-Touch:

The staff decided to do hi touch first, and since I had both perks it took me a hot minute to realize I needed to get in line too (since I was sitting in P1 and nobody around me was moving lol) The girls I was in line with were very cute and nice - one of them was newer to the boys so she had a hard time telling Myungjin apart haha We tried to help her get them straight~ The line moved really quickly and when it was my turn my brain switched to auto pilot……

Jinwoo was first bc apparently the universe likes to see me Suffer. I don’t even remember what he looked like, all I remember is him seeing my shirt and saying “aaaah, slow~  😉” and all I could get out was a “yes!” 😂😵😵😭😭 Sanha was next in line but my brain was so busy processing the first interaction I have absolutely 0 memory of him, if I even managed to hi five him at all akdbaj like I completely just blacked out for a few seconds. Eunwoo was third and I regained myself enough to actually start looking at their faces, but I still couldn’t make my own sentences, so instead I started parroting what I was hearing from the members which was “thank you” - which is a fine thing to say and I wholly meant it, but I do wish I could have said a bit more… Bin was third and I also Do Not remember him, like, at all 😣 I’m so disappointed, he deserves better. But then came Rocky. There really must be something just inexplicably striking about Rocky, because I remember him pretty damn clearly all things considered! He had his big Rocko smile and it was strikingly beautiful 😪 Finally was MJ and I remember seeing him and thinking “I have to make sure he knows I genuinely love and support him!!” So I looked really hard at his face, but my brain was still *static noises* so all I could say was thank you :“) I tried to really sincerely say it and show him with my eyes that I meant it though!! And then it was over, and I took a big ole breath as I made my way down off the stage and back to my seat. And thus began the waiting for group pic. (The girl I had been sitting next to laughed when I came back 😂😂

Group Photo:

The line for P2 was pretty much a free for all, but the line for P1 was specifically done row by row. I was at the back of Orchestra Center, so I wasn’t first by any means but I was probably in the first 1/3. The setup was there were 8 chairs, and the boys stood behind the chairs. They were all doing different poses and switching it up for each pic while I was waiting in line (I’ve been told staff made them stop later on which is dumb af if you ask me like people are supposed??? To pose for pics??? Also have you met Astro aksbaj but ANYWAY).

Jinwoo was last this time, which meant if I wanted to be in front of him I had to be #1 in the group of 8. Well, they counted us, and I was #7. The girl behind me was 8, and her friend ended up being #1 of the next batch. The two clearly wanted to go together, and I wanted the #1 spot, so when staff wasn’t looking we quickly switched! And I got to sit directly in front of him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he of course remembered me from when I did the hi touch like ~10 minutes ago lol I made sure to look at all the members again as I was walking up, esp Sanha since I missed him the first time! And again I’ve got Nothing on Bin (rip 😢), but Rocky’s smile seared itself into my psyche yet again 😂 When I finally walked up to Jinwoo I said “I get to sit by you! :DD” and he was like “yeah!” We sat down (god I wish I had actually clearly looked at his face, I have no memory of it from either interaction 😢😢😢) and I kinda tried to do a hand heart with him but he had other plans and was like “let’s do this instead!” (retrospectively I think maybe the girl behind me was also a Jinwoo stan so he wanted to do something with us both). So he LEANED DOWN BETWEEN US SO HIS FACE WAS SEVERAL INCHES FROM OUR EARS and made finger hearts for the first pics, then he said “cheeeeese!” (or it sounded like that to me anyway) and switched to peace signs for the second. I honestly have no idea what my face was doing the whole time soooo the pics could be fun >w>;; (I WAS JUST FOCUSED ON THE FACT I COULD FEEL HIS PRESENCE/BODY HEAT HOVERING OVER MY SHOULDER AND HIS HANDS WERE RIGHT NEXT TO MINE AKSHAJ). And then we were done! And I think I turned and smiled at him one last time as I was heading off the stage, and I think he smiled back, but who knows!! Certainly not me!!!

And that was that.

I went out into the theater hallway and just….existed for a bit (and yelled into all my chats lol) and more than one fan came out hysterically sobbing :( I think it was a mixture of happy and sad tears, like some people overwhelmed with happiness and others crying cuz they didn’t get the place in line they wanted.

All in all it was an amazing night, and completely worth being absolutely nuts and dropping everything to fly literally halfway across the country to attend. 100/10 would give all my money to these boys again (I mean they already own my heart and wallet anyway)

Also I didn’t know where to fit these tidbits in, but the members overall:

Jinjin - I mentioned it already but he was just a goofy happy boy! So many smiles, so many silly actions. I didn’t think I could love him even more and yet :”)

MJ - He sunshined a number of times but overall seemed really tired, which is COMPLETELY understandable (I really feel like he’s an introvert, and I can imagine how draining an international tour would be) and I just hope he’s feeling ok and was able to enjoy himself!! 😣

Rocky - He was also quite lively and just giving fanservice left and right! I didn’t watch him too much but even then I could see him waving and throwing hearts and smiles to people 💕

Eunwoo - I really didn’t watch him at all but I’ve been told he was also giving out just tons of personal fanservice~

Sanha - My favorite son, he just had us all cooing and giggling the whole night. He really did seem to be in good spirits!

Moonbin - I’m sorry Bin stans….. I’m sorry Bin….. I don’t know why my brain just decided to completely block him out but 😢😢😢 I barely remember anything he said/did besides what I already talked about. His muscles were probably too powerful 😣😣

#astroindc