ifeelsoemptysometimes
I want to rip my face off
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I don't wanna fuck around, but the parasites in me want to fuck. I don't want a man to rail me, I don't even like that shit, but the parasites, the demon in me-
With all the stress and slight depression or whatever thats happening to me setting in, my brain is trying to looking into ways to just fund the ultimate relaxation and pleasurable way to destress and of course, having a good fuck is what pops up. I want to, I really do but God damnit that's not what I actually want abd it's so frustrated.
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If killing myself didn't cause so much trouble to my friends and family then I'd totally do it.
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FUCK!!! I could have lived out my fantasy and I blew it 😔😔😪 I couldn't have perked him off and I chicken out bc of my insecurities 😔😔😔😪 damnit. I'll never get this opportunity again, night sigh 😔😔😪
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I fucking can't with the sudden urges of desire. I hate them and I don't want them but they keep happening. I just need to keep kissed and fucked right now. I need it so bad that if I was anymore out of my mind I'd text this freak, asking him so come over and bend me the fuck over. To rough me up. Just thinking about it gets me going but noo no no no I can't fucking do that, that would be INSANE!!!!! and I don't want yo have sex! It's just intrusive thoughts I don't wanna have sexu ughhhhhghhggghhh. I don't wanna have sex, I don't wanna be horny, I don't wanna masterbate, I don't wanna invite anyone over. The only thing i do wish is to kiss someone, but someone I care about!!! Someone I like 😔😪 I dint wanna long for the attention of someone just bc they are familiar. Fuck my life.
I had a dream last night, and it was a sweet dream. I had a partner and we were so sweet with each other. I loved it but I also hate it. Its so frustrating
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Now that I've had some,,, so called experience,,, jjjh nothing crazy, if anything it was just kissing, touching, clothed grinding,,, nothing more than that. Nothing overly sexual, I can't help but want more.
It's so funny because I was apprehensive and again it at first but now, I just feel sort of,,, lonely.
I saw this guy only for a couple dates, 4. The first 3 were quite nice, really loved them. The last one was kinda terrible. The vibs were just not right I guess. It was probably my fault tbh. But whatever. After that things fell through and he said that the connection was strong and wasn't feeling it anymore. Honestly I was a bit hurt, I thought things were going really well. Before meeting up, he said that he was "really excited to see me" and I was too. I wanted to push my boundaries a little with him. But well, yea. I got over it after a day, it's not like we knew each other and we weren't a thing. I told him that it was fine, I understood where he was completely from, thanked him for the experience and bam, over and done.
I'm definitely a bit embarrassed, looking back at it. Kissing, saying things to each other, the touching, the grinding, the wetness in my pants, my moaning, my thoughts, the heat, the fucking sexual tention in the air, ughh,, he saw my tits and licked my nipples,,, I never thought I'd do that with anyone and doing something so,, seemingly personal with someone I just met, it makes me feel embarrassed. I don't regret it, definitely not. It was fun! Different, new. I was anxious at first but never did i hate any of it.
And it's exactly what I wanted, but at the same time it's not?? I wanted this. Something casual, simple, no commitment. I don't want a relationship, for what we do to not be serious, I just wanna chill and have a good time. But at the same time, that's exciting what I want, to be in a relationship, to have that person to myself only, share part of myself that they can appreciate and love. For them to care about me and actually want to see me. I want what we do to mean something. I'm conflicted. I don't know what i want. I dont want to another bitch he was seeing and was turned off by the tiniest thing and just brake things off bc he didn't like it.
Anyways I don't necessarily miss him, i mena he was fun, but what I miss the interactions. Our 3rd date was so sweet and romantic,,, I want more. And not having it makes me wish he could have given me another chance bc now,,, I just miss it. Ugh. Now I just feel lonely and touch starved.
I wish I could have some things differently that day.
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RAWWWWWWWW THE MEMORIES JUST KEEP COMING UP!!!!!!
He kissed my hand so tenderly,,, what the fuck that makes my stomach do flips I'm gonna throw up why is he being so sweet to me oohhhhh goddddd I do not understand. I can't even remember if it's real or not that's how insane this makes me feel
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The act of eating cake makes me want it. But the cake itself isn't appetizing. I can see the cake and smell the cake but it on its own doesn't make in particularly make me hungry. It can be any cake. It's not until I'm giving a slice of that cake that makes me hungry.
I wonder if this makes any sense.
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I dont fucking want this. D int fucking want someone who just wants fucking sex from me or someone who just thinks I'm attractive I don't want any of it!! I just want someone to like me for me!! To like be because they've come to love my personality, my habits, my mannerisms, fuck!!! I just want to be seen and I thought I was and it feels like I was but I most likely wasn't, he probably just saw me and thought oh so cute and innocent and a virgin let's see what we can do with her.
But I don't want to think about it like that. I want to think that we had a genuine connect. Something meaningful. Something, I don't fucking know, real. But whatever fuck me for all I care. Fuck you. Now im on the verge of sobbing and you probably could give less of a shit. Fuck you. I really did like you.
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Me: God, im so lonely
*Person shows interest*
Me: You are the devil. Get the fuck away from me and never speak to me again
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I'm currently on a dating app.
I feel so pathetic bc of it.
I just want to feel that same level of comfort and intimacy from that night.
But im not going to get it from these people, or at least its not going to be the same.
I dont care about these people, and I don't want to come to care for them afterwards either.
It's just different, its not genuine and it feels wrong.
This is no judgment to people who do get on dating apps and do their thing, good for them yk?? If it works for them, then great!
But this is not the way I want to go about it. It doesn't feel real.
I want them to already know me, for them to genuinely care about me,
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In Feb 16, it'll be 2 months since my kiss with M. 2 months of me thinking about him while he probably has forgotten all about me.
I really did like him, and, I still do. My little crush.
I'm,, a little hurt. I understood that we weren't gonna be anything, but I figured that we'd be friends at the very least. And I believe it. I was like, yea! We can be friends, that would be nice.
But no. I suppose not. Which is to be expected.
I'm a little hurt, and although it's not enough to make me cry, I do get a little teary eyed.
He doesn't care, he can move on easily.
But I do and I can't.
What was the point of it all,, for his own satisfaction? Maybe.
It probably won't be another couple months before I stop thinking about him.
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