#i couldnt ever pay off my debt and i could not get out of it without being shamed. and then id face the consequences of giving too much awa

[yuridovewing]

Basically like. Onewhisker definitely has a point in wanting to keep relationships good when WindClan is just now setting up it's borders. Mudclaw instantly jumping to "no we gotta hate the other clans and beat the shit out of them if they look at us NOW" isn't productive and would have been a terrible beginning for WindClan. But also Onewhisker is definitely vulnerable to being taken advantage of. If he's too giving, then that's something the other leaders can exploit and hold over his head. Firestar in particular, cause they're besties, and they're both like "oh windclan owes thunderclan soooooooo much! we HAVE to give them everything or else we're ungrateful brats!" at this point. It's one of the reasons he doesn't bode well as a leader. I find it perfectly believable that he snaps so hard in the other direction when ThunderClan DOES take advantage of his kindness AND he nearly gets assassinated by half of his clan over this. Like goddamn I'd be throwing hands too.

#idk. i kinda relate to onestar in this regard? where other people will do a nice thing for me and ill feel compelled to defend them over it #but said people would also hold that over my head to make me do things i didnt want to do and give them so much #and i felt like i HAD to overcompensate and give them so much ''in return'' cause like. well i didnt want to be ungrateful. #i couldnt ever pay off my debt and i could not get out of it without being shamed. and then id face the consequences of giving too much awa #back at home where my family would be rightfully pissed saying that i was wasting their money by just giving so many things away #and also as soon as the well stopped? id get dropped like a hot potato and antagonized and mocked by those people #thats something ive definitely improved on over time like i dont give people my possessions anymore and i hold ppl borrowing from me accoun #accountable #but being a doormat is something i struggle with to this day. actually going through something that happened cause i was doormat #and idk i see that in onestar. hes being a doormat in starlight. hes being taken advantage of #so i dont blame him for finally snapping and full on being a dick to firestar. he kinda earned it #its better than him giving up everything for him #gn liveread

[sun-stricken]

Headcannons about sick!gray? Mine is that ice mages get sick really easily but he’s just great at hiding it until Lyon mentions it or something and suddenly the guild freaks out at a sniffle

Also don’t know if it’s any interest to you, but sometimes when I’m making fiction in my head I imagine gray is actually sick. Like when he does wear clothes they’re always tight around the middle, right? So what if being under all the rubble did something to his lungs/chest and so he needs the support sometimes

edit from like two hours after i responded, you asked me for my personal headcanons, but all i did was play on yours, so sorry 🙁

omg tysm for the ask, i love this

i agree that ice mages get sick easier than other mages, but also any mage whos magic effects their temperature fluctuation, (i might make a full post abt that later)

also i am dramatic and love to ramble, sorry if its too long!!

Gray is good at handling things himself, hes been taking care of himself for over a decade, itd be weird if he wasn’t

He takes care of others, looks after his guild-mates, maybe to pay off some sort of debt, or maybe because they dont take care of themselves (what a hypocrite)

he takes care of them, he doesn’t expect them to take on roles for him, didn’t expect them to take care of him; he did perfectly fine on his own, thank you very much

-Fairy Tail disagrees-

The moment Lyon started telling them horror stories about how often and how intense Gray got sick while learning magic, all hell broke loose, specifically, his team broke loose

Erza started grilling Lyon, how did he get sick, how often on average, why is it so easy, how did they help him as a kid, what do you mean he couldnt breathe? HISBODYCOULDNTWHAT???

(it felt all too familiar to a criminal interrogation)

Lucy fretted over Gray, eyes panicking trying to search for an illness that wasnt yet there, asking if he felt ill now, does he need water? should he sit down? why is he so red?

(why does she look so scared?)

Happy all but launched himself into Grays chest, crying about why he didnt tell them and other nonsensicals he could fully make out

Wendy popping in to say that while she cant heal illnesses she can help him any way she can, and maybe she cried just a little abt how she couldn’t help him fully

(a kid shouldnt be so stressed about not being able to help fix a problem that they didn’t make)

Natsu, now Natsu was pissed. Hes no stranger to being reckless and he knows it, but this wasn’t him, this was Gray; Gray who had always helped him through sicknesses and injuries, some of which the guild didnt even know of. why didnt he trust them to help him? why didnt he ever tell them anything? why didnt he figure it out?

it hurt. it really did.

(why isnt he trying to fight him? why isnt he yelling?

Gray stood there, red in the face and truly embarrassed, he didnt think it was that big of a deal and here they were, here was his guild, his family. vowing to take care of him from here on out.

He doesnt think hes ever felt so embarrassed, and guilty, and so loved all at once

also a foreboding, hes not sure why though

as it turns out, he was right to be cautious

days later he had a cold, a measly cold, he sniffled maybe once or twice, and he might’ve stumbled just a little, and all of a suddenly he was next to the guild fireplace, covered in too many blankets, a thermos in hand, and people constantly insisting on getting him things

he knew he shouldn’t have come today

although, they had every right to be worried, as it very quickly turned into pneumonia. lucky him

He was taken to the guild infirmary, his team right there with him

even through the chills, the too short and too fast breathing, the obnoxious heat in his whole body, and the ever so slight delirium creeping into his thoughts

he felt the hand atop his, felt the heavy weight of sharp eyes that miss nothing on him;

he felt the purring mini oven tucked into his side;

he felt a hand usually covered in armor carding through his hair, wiping the sweat from his forehead with a cool cloth;

he felt the way a trembling hand gripped his no longer free hand, felt the telltale sign of whisperers against his fingers;

he felt the minuscule vibrations of scrambling around him, heard the clinking of glass bottles no doubt full of remedies

…

he felt, loved.

THID IS SO LONG IM SORRY BUT IM SO OVERDRAMATIC AND LOVE TO RAMBLE

NOW FOR THE SECOND PART THAT I LOVE SO MUCH!

being under that collapsed building fucking with his lungs and ribs isnt something i ever thought of!

thats genius, i love it

im just imagining permanent damage to his lungs, not being able to use them to their full capacity, and maybe chronic pain in his ribcage area and sharp pains when he tries to draw in deep breaths

i think Makarov obvs knew this (maybe he makes everyone has full check ups yearly or every couple years, but also everytime someone joins the guild)

he warned Gray against overexerting himself because it could be especially dangerous for him

he was prescribed an inhaler and medication for his breathing and pain

but this was and is a boy full of too much pride and guilt, maybe he thinks he deserves it, maybe just doesnt care what happens to him, maybe he simply doesnt know his limits; but for whatever reason he doesnt listen, doesnt use his support unless it is absolutely unbearable

of course it gets better over the years, but that didnt start willingly, the guild found out, maybe Gray let it slip, maybe Jii-Chan did, or maybe they heard him scolding Gray for overdoing it again

but they found out and would check up on him, give him advice from some of their experience with their own disabilities

Ive hced for a while that Gildarts was particularly fatherly (or like, a protective uncle…ly?) with the kids of Fairy Tail, so i think he wouldve been the one to get him this pressure support thing for his ribs

it worked, and so does heating pads/packs, which lead to the next development

and after Gray joined up with his team and got closer, he would make Natsu be his own personal heat pack bc that is such a sweet and silly image to me

Natsu surprisingly complained minimally

i wonder why? :)

more little sick things

Gray doesnt get hungover, probably the only illness he gets lucky on

he gets really talkative and delirious when hes sick, and clingy

he’ll ramble abt random things he has to do, not realizing he cant for obvious reasons

he’ll talk about life before Ur, about his siblings who never had the chance to live; about ppl who left Isvan before Deloria came, wondering if theyre alive and actually living, if they remember him

whoever’s with him does him the courtesy of not bringing it up when hes better

Lucy gets really scared when people are sick, it makes her think of watching her mom deteriorate, she refuses to go through that again

She spoke to Natsu and Erza about this while Gray was sick once, broke down and said she wad terrified of losing someone she loves to a stupid sickness again

Gray will cling to the person closest to him when he’s ill, holding their hand, leaning on them, just not letting them leave; he finally is letting himself be taken care of and it feels good, he’ll be damned if he lets that go again

Natsu was so angry when Lyon told them, he was so angry and so scared that even with his heightened senses he didnt know anything at all

If hes with Gray when hes sick, he rarely takes his eyes off the uneven rise and fall of his best friends chest, as to reassure himself that Gray was still breathing, that he was still here and didn’t disappear

Gray will get up and try to get things done when hes sick, he is not the type to sit down and rest and recover

he had to be physically hauled back to bed on multiple occasions

Erza is lost when people are sick, ever the leader though, she tried to take the lead, giving people jobs and trying to make sure everything is order

it ends up quite the opposite though, halfway through she reluctantly hands the reins to someone else

she tries though

Gray has a box full of ‘get well soon!’ gifts and cards, he likes to look through then and read all the messages over and over again

i lied. he has three boxes, his friends are overachievers

fin.

#tysm for the ask! #fairy tail #fairytail #gray fullbuster #fairy tail headcanons #fairy tail imagines #sun strickens ft #natsu dragneel #erza scarlet #lucy heartfilia #happy fairy tail #wendy marvell #gildarts clive #makarov dreyar #lyon vastia #i love hurting my comfort characters #idk if u can tell #but i adore #hurt comfort #gray fullbuster headcanons #gray fullbuster centric #sick gray #one day ill learn to write #and ill write all abt this #send me more asks #i love them #<33 #fairy tail asks

[swiftfootedachilles]

hiiii achilles!!!!!!! how are you today? i miss your gallavich hot takes so do you have something in mind? have a good day 🌷

well apparently my big gallavich hot take is them having a jewish wedding 😭

okay. hmmm, actual unpopular hot takes? i gotchu

i want more intersex headcanons (that are well-researched and not fetishizing intersex people!). i want more t4t mlm gallavich. and i DEFINITELY want more t4t trans!mickey nonbinary!ian gallavich. because amab people are just as transgender as anyone else even if they dont take hormones or drastically change their appearance or change their name. nonbinary people arent women lite and men lite, theyre nonbinary. and i think nonbinary!ian is so slay

ian does not enjoy bottoming. even when he consented to doing it with trevor, he didnt actually like it. he simply tolerated it

when staying with the gallaghers, ian and mickey are very brazen about their sex life and dont try to stay quiet or even close their door sometimes, BUT they wont fuck in common areas like the kitchen and living room unless it was on the couch and they were 1000% sure there was NO chance of any of the kids walking in on them. they wouldnt traumatize liam or franny like that (stfu s5 doesnt count bc they knew liam was too young to have memories yet 😭 (speaking of, why does nobody ever talk about the fact that liam was 2 years old for like 3 whole years 😭😭))

their "security" business as it is in the finale isnt very sustainable. it literally started as money laundering, and ian didnt know. i think he eventually finds out by accident thru kev or vee what mickeys original "security business" plan was, and he gets super pissed. but i think they could very easily turn it into a legal business. we see them starting to do that, by working with real dispensaries instead of the shady illegal one kev and vee have in the bar. nevertheless, id like to read more future fics where they grow or adapt the business, and even move on to a new business altogether! theyre not exactly the career-having type. i think change over time actually helps stabilize them

THEY NEED TO PAINT THAT FUCKING AMBULANCE. ITS STOLEN. WHY DONT THEY EVER PAINT IT ALL BLACK OR SOMETHING?? WHERE DID THEY GET THE NEW PLATES. DID THEY EVEN CHANGE THE PLATES?? the s4 writers would never let a scam have so many plot holes 😔 they wouldve SHOWED us mickey and his brothers getting new plates for the truck

ian gets a tattoo for mickey. youre telling me that after the surprise anniversary party, you think ian WOULDNT get mickey somehow immortalized on his body? WRONG. he definitely does. i dont think its his name over his heart. maybe something small on his wrist? or M on his ring finger💜 thats a fav headcanon of mine

they dont start a family until close to 40. the longer theyre married, the more they realize they have to catch up on. learning to live together long-term, paying off debts and bills, moving, vacations, reconnecting with old friends and family, being there for liam where theu couldnt for their other siblings when they were liam's age, watching their nieces and nephews often to gain more caretaking and parenting skills, medical issues, family emergencies. theres just a lot that takes up their time, and they become very comfortable being two before they ever try to become three

they nonseriously say shit like "i want a divorce" but they NEVER mean it. even when one says it as a joke or like in s11e3, the other will ask "did you really mean that? do you really want a divorce? do you think we'll ever get one?" and they end up having a rare super serious heart-to-heart about it. about what they think the future might hold - or at least, what they want it to hold. the longer they are with each other the more stable their relationship becomes. bickering is less common, big fights are less explosive and violent, and they learn to become comfortable with silence

#asks #anonymous #🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 #gallavich #gallavich headcanons #shameless #happy Sunday and happy st paddys day!!!!!

[iwasyouonce]

you know what, this is going to come off like I am complaining, and maybe i am.

i cant help but cry thinking about the people in my generation. we have gone thru so much and there's so much of the weight of the world to bear. while each generation has had struggles of their own, ours are so different and so new(?)

fucking bad economic times, having the world so interconnected that something somewhere else could change things so drastically here. higher costs of living, school debt, having to be above and beyond in order to get a moderate paying job in order to live and have a future. an aging population that we would have to take care of, not having children because of how fucked up we already are and not having enough money. cyber crimes, being bullied online by annonymous people. mental health just declining because of the capitalistic world we live in and literally having to work till we die in order to support ourselves and our families. things that give us quality of life are neglected because money matters are the most important. having to deal with climate change and needing to innovate to (hopefully) reverse damage that has been done and prevent more damage from happening. the ongoing in multiculturalism and fracturing of the internet as people group into niche communities online and tensions and disagreements those bring. having access to a plethora of knowledge and information but not having enough time to process it properly before we are bombarded with more. the expectation to be up to date with news, knowledge and skillsets. having multiple global health crises, political instability in many countries still, and corruption still rampant. history and its consequences are still being lived out, and new history is being made at speeds faster than ever. the world and its inhabitants moves faster than ever, and how are we supposed to keep up mentally, emotionally and even physically?

every new generation bears the weight and the consequences of the generations before them, while dealing with things happening in the present. im so sick and tired, and deathly worried for us. the only thing bringing us through is the shared experiences and knowing that we couldnt do it alone.

#existential crisis #genz #i hate life #rant #society

[gineazu]

chapter three

"Normal is just a dream for us, though" denji says

Then the h/c haired man looked at him as if saying 'for you maybe' then speaks up "i still have my goal to accomplish but it can wait" m/n said

Over the years the angelic man has grown soft for denji and always puts him second after his goal but right now denji has seemed to made his way into his cold black unmoving smoker shriveled dead heart

"Doubt I’ll pay off this debt before I die"

Denji takes a bite out the bread then adds on to what he's saying

"Probably gonna die without ever having a girlfriend, too"

The h/c haired man lean onto his knuckles holding his head up with an annoyed look rolling his eyes at the mention of women or dating in genral

He never saw the point of it you can never trust your partner no matter how many promises you make to them or they make to you some promises will always be broken

"Not like I could invite a girl to this dump. No money to go on dates, either"

Denji looks down at pochita before glancing at the man next to him staring a little longer the he wanted to seeing how M/n interacted with the small alternate that he created

A small Appearing on his cheek not knowing how to feel he was soon brought out of his thoughts by pochita making a small noise

"Woo…"

"If I could have one dream come true, I wanna score with a girl before I die…"

'Or maybe even a guy' he thought not wanting to say it out loud .......*:.｡..｡.:*ﾟ:*:✼✿✿✼:*ﾟ:.｡..｡.:*.........

After flashing back to the time they all met denji couldnt seem to sleep right now

"Too hungry to sleep…when I can’t sleep, I start thinking about money, and then it’s even harder to sleep."

He says

"I know what dream I wanna have when I sleep"

He pet pochita on the head looking at the little alternate sleeping on Pochitas paw

"Gonna put jam on my bread and share it with you. Then, I’m gonna flirt with a girl or a guy.."

He whispers the last part

"and play video games with her, and then we’ll fall asleep hugging each other sounds sweet, right?"

Pochita let out a 'Woof!' Causing denji to smile at him but then he suddenly feels sick

"Ngh.."

Denji sits up and coughs up blood feeling dread throughout his body as this happens

Pochita 'woofs!' In worry for the boy

"You know, I heard my mom died from some heart disease that made her cough up blood…"

He turned to m/n who he saw was sleeping for the first time ever well first time ever seeing him sleep and then thought back to what m/n told him once

'I don't require sleep but it feels nice to close your eyes every once in a while'

Suddenly the yakuza boss knocks on denji's door

"Got a devil for you, Denji. Time for work" he says

And suddenly m/n is nowhere to be seen

"Haa…" ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈⛧┈♛┈⛧┈┈•༶♛┈⛧•

Later that night, in the city. Denji and Pochita ride in the yakuza boss’s car with an uneasy feeling

Wish they’d at least let me dream…i wonder where m/n always dissapears too..' Denji thought

The yakuza boss drives Denji and Pochita to an abandoned fact they all get out the car and started walking

"There’s a devil in here, huh?" Denji questioned

"I don’t see anything. You think it’s hiding?"

"Oh, or maybe it left already?"

Denji continued to question the boss

The boss says nothing but eventually stops walking as if he was a robot

"Ah… Huh?"

"Denji, my boy… We’re pretty grateful to you, you know?"

"Huh? Yeah…"

"You’re as loyal as a dog, and you work for cheap like one, too"

"Right…"

"Only problem with dogs is I can’t stand the stench".

A man stabs Denji and Pochita from behind with a sword in the shadows the little alternate from before stood in anger that two out of three his 'creators' were just stabbed

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐨 𝐈𝐭 𝐁𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐬

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙‧͙⁺˚*･⁺‧͙

Denji coughs up blood Pochita does the same the man withdraws his sword

"Even yakuza think about getting bigger and making more money, kid"

The boss said

"So we did like you and made a deal with a devil"

The Zombie Devil grabs the yakuza boss and lifts him into the air

"Ngh…"

"We wanted demonic power…"

The Zombie Devil emerges from the shadows

"And I want devil hunters… dead!"

"Ah…"

"You know, little devil hunter, these guys are dumb as hell. Total suckers"

The yakuza members walk toward Denji like zombies groaning and moaning with not one thought in their heads

"I offer them a bit of demonic power, and they offer to become my slaves

The power turns them into zombies, though See, I’m the Zombie Devil"

"Ngh… Urgh…" denji tried to speak

"And I hate devil hunters because you go around killing us devils. So I’m gonna kill you"

"Boys, tear him apart and toss him in the trash"

The zombies start moaning and groaning louder before pursuing denji

He gets up and starts running away to find an exit

"Shit! Ngh…" he keeps running holding his wound

"How do I get out of here?"

Denji sees the exit and tries to making a run for it almost there

"Ah!"

"Ugh… Ngh… Gah…"

The zombie yakuza boss then grabs Denji by his shoulder

"Shit… Get off!"

He then cuts into Denji’s back with a knife

"Gah!"

Denji falls over and the Zombies continue to walk toward him with malice intentions

"Ngh… Urgh… Ngh…"

A zombie stabs Denji in the back again

"Ngh… Gahh!"

The zombies continue stabbing denji multiple times

"Ah… Gahhh!"

'It’s not like I’m asking to be rich.'

"Ahhh!"

'All I want is a normal life!'

･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

Somewhere in the shadows the little alternate is trying to convince m/n to help them

"As much as i want i can't this is fate he must make a deal he cannot stay human forever" the man looked angered

"As soon as they make a deal i will jump in and help"

[cripple-cat]

screaming into the void about my personal issues for a moment

i know how to be independent

i am repeatedly prevented from being independent

i love my mom but her love for me is still tied to me being unable to live without her, which hasnt been true since i was nine. her boyfriend thinks i dont know anything about the world and cant think or do anything for myself because im disabled and his girlfriends kid. when i lived with my dad before he threw me away like fucking garbage, i was almost entirely supporting myself and my pets because he absolutely refused to support me. i paid that man rent. i am an adult man.

i am repeatedly prevented from being independent, and then villified for not being independent.

i am grateful that my mom is supporting me while i get my degree, but i never asked her to. she has always wanted me to get a college education and now i am, and it makes me dependent on her, therefore she loves me. shes not even paying my tuition or anything actually college related, she made me take on student loans, and i will be saddled with that debt for the rest of my life because she was unwilling to let me work for a couple years while letting her foot the bill for me for everything else so i could save up. i have a life-long debt that i will never pay off because of her need to make me dependent on her.

i didnt learn to drive from either of my parents. my dad is a shitbag, so i obviously didnt learn from him. my mom screamed and panicked and struck me in the chest because she was so afraid of me driving. i only drove with her three times before i just couldnt safely do it anymore. the only other time i drove with her was the first time i drove on the road. it was in a fucked up that couldnt accelerate past 45mph, could not hard brake, had no rear view mirror, and had a steering wheel that had to make two full turns before the tires would even think about turning. she was spasming and possibly having a stroke in the passenger seat. we were moving to a new place. it was traumatizing. i learned to drive through trial by fire with one person who doesnt know how to drive and isnt licensed and another person who was drunk 90% of the time. i didnt need my mom. she was the reason it took me so long to learn to drive and is still the reason im afraid to drive on the interstate.

she doesnt take care of my pets unless im not home for whatever reason, which is almost never, because she has made me dependent upon her for transport. i have to take care of her dogs a lot because she and her boyfriend keep forgetting to feed and water them at the right times. i clean up after them, i feed and water them, i take them outside. the only thing i dont do with them is play because i fucking hate dogs! i have to take care of dogs when i hate dogs!

her goddamn boyfriend keeps acting like im incapable of doing things until the moment he thinks something should already be done and im clearly the only one who can do it, even if im busy with something else. this is a man who did not know you have to use hot water to wash dishes, so clearly he just cant understand the concept of "im busy right now, ill either get to it tonight or tomorrow." he gets flustered and frustrated and starts yelling in the kitchen and slamming doors and doing things with excess aggression the moment i specifically inconvenience him. if its my mom it doesnt matter, but if its me he throws a tantrum. im the problem in all situations.

i have not been allowed to heal from any of my trauma because im held resoonsible for the feelings and trauma of others. when my mom has issues, i have to fix them and keeo her distracted and help her process and make her feel better. when her boyfriend has issues, im expected to suck it up and be gentle and understanding with him. when i have issues, im met with "weve all got problems, its not getting you out of this" or "youre not the only one with problems, im having a hard day, too" or even "no, youre gaslighting me." have you ever been gaslit by being accused of gaslighting? it is a bad fucking feeling.

im exhausted. im a disabled person, yes, in many ways, but i would not be dependent on anyone if i were allowed to be independent. i dont want to live like this. i cant fucking live like this. im so, so tired. this is the most coherent ive been in days.

sorry to anyone who reads this.

#vent post #long post

[asexualdynamics]

The following is mental breakdown I no longer wish to be reminded of 🫠

You know, when I do remember that I have a tumblr, I usually have a separate blog that I wrote on ever few months. That is, when I remember that I have. it but you know what, fuck it.

Hello. I'm the coward who cant talk to anyone. Just found wildly kind then vile messages in my inbox after not checking for months. Tried to reach out to someone else who wanted nothing to do with me, but I guess that's warranted. So I'm currently feeling like a unlovable piece of shit. Just a human to human thing, ya know. Just in case you were wondering. (But I'm sure you already knew that I'm a peice of shit so, moving on)

Oh but yeah!!! You wanna know how my life has been going??? ok ok well uh still 🌠suicidal and off my meds🌠 havent talked to a therapist in over a year because my insurance suddenly cancelled! Well why not just reschedule with ur new insurance?? Well, other than the fact that I will have to cycle through strangers and go through the whole process of unpacking my trauma and self depracation is an incredibly exhausting process, I work at a brain dead job that makes me forget what day of the week it is. so these past 3 years have felt like an unending painful blur!

Oh, I'm also living with both of my disabled parents who are a constant reminder of what a disappointment I am! They're not getting younger, just older and filled with pinched nerves that might paralyze them at any moment! Yes, both of them!

Oh oh, but what about my older sister? My one and only confidant I could tell anything to? Oh yeah, shess currently in a psych ward because she believes that there are voices in her head that are coming from the devil telling her the secrets on the universe!

And I feel paralyzed because I dont know what to do. On the one hand I can just smile and pretend everything is fine while working 40+ hours a week for minimum wage job that doesn't value me so I can pay off my debt. Or I could kill myself BUT THATS NOT AN OPTION! No, because even talking about it is so unfair, because by hurting myself I cause more harm than good and that is just so fucking frustrating.

What, do I just leave my family devastated that their youngest killed themselves after finding that that their oldest is experiencing hallucinations and delusions of grandeur? Do I just ignore all the emotional labor my friends have invested in me, probably also sending them spiraling in their already terrible mental health?

Am I supposed to keep relying on the two friends that I have left time and time again until they eventually leave me like the rest on my three partners did?

Arent I supposed to be taking this time to reflect on what messages these people left for me in order to make me a better person?

Okay okay!! let's reveiw. Hers what you need to know naomi:

Lesson 1: dont ever talk about serious things through text! You never know if someone is lying right through their teeth on how they actually feel about you. Turns out, you might not ever know how to actually communicate how you're feeling, ever! That's why she always kept telling you that she hated your fucking guts!! Its becaue you so emotionally immature and stunted so how could she ever want to associate with someone like you!? You will never be anything more than that, no matter how many times she says she forgives you and sees you as a person! You're not! You are lower that dirt! she was right about you, you socipath! You are an unsympathetic peice of shit!

Lesson 2: maybe learn to actually be completely self reliant for once instead of taking advantage of people's love and kindness again and again you stupid peice of garbage! That's why she left you! She couldnt stand that you made her feel like an after thought and only ever thought about yourself! Did you ever actually try to become a better person? Or did you just need someone else to hold your hand as you took baby steps towards being a barely decent human being? You selfish fucking bitch! You never did anything to make her feel loved! So why would she continue to do so for you?

Lesson 3: dont date coworkers! Even if they say that they will change and stop drinking and verbally degrading you! They might get drunk and aggressive and then sexually assault you at work, forcing you to stay quiet and participate, otherwise you might get fired! Turns out, even after reporting what happened, you still get a write up, even after bursting into tears explaining why you couldnt just leave your managers office for over 15 minutes! She will never contact you again and will never apologize for leaving mental scars that will take years to heal!!! But guess what heres a secret.

YOU. FUCKING. DESERVED. IT.

So that's how I'm fucking doing in case you were wondering. I cant even fucking kill myself because I'm waiting for a psychologist to call me and tell me about all the ways that I'm broken.

You're right. I dont deserve to be here. I dont want to be here anymore. I fucking hate it here.

I'm staying off of tumblr. I'm getting help, but right now I am not doing well at all. So everyone just fuck off.

[obkkfkr]

I have so many ideas for AUs I can post here

like now time to introduce Trash King Obito and his sex android Kakashi, aka. my attempt at a cyberpunk AU (non-con warning but not between obkk, Kakashi had a very rough life and yes its angsty)

Obito was a poor kid who didnt have much luck in life and had to often find scraps in garbage to eat, he got beaten up a few times and had fewer and fewer places he could go to

Eventually, he started going to the junkyard, where madara lived. Madara was an old grumpy guy who at first yelled at Obito, seeing some kid go through the trash but eventually let him stay. Obito started assisting Madara, sorting the garbage and finding some more precious parts that could be sold or used again

One day Obito got into an accident and lost an arm and an eye, he fell onto some sharp parts

But Madara knew more or less about implanting cybernetic parts and saved Obito by giving him an artificial arm, but didnt have any eyes so for a long time Obito just had one eye

Eventually Madara died and Obito stayed living alone on the junkyard, but he got into tinkering with putting the parts together, he'd always use the best parts to improve his arm and eventually found a purple eye to fill in

Madara had a crappy android put together from the scraps (yes zetsu hehe) and Obito often used Zetsu as his model to build better ones but it took him years t o get most necessary parts

He'd often fix smaller things and improved his little house uwu and sometimes people came to him and he'd help them out

(Okay enough backstory time for the obkk)

Obito would always salvage the best parts as soon as new trucks would unload more trash, and one day he found an android. It wasn't even powered off, just staring blankly at him and had a few missing or broken parts

But Obito was mesmerised how pretty it was made. He picked it up and normally would throw it onto the barrow with the rest of the parts but decided to carry it home instead

The android only sighed tiredly but didnt struggle

Obito murmured who would throw out a working android instead of fixing it and the android replied "They broke me on purpose. Got done with me."

"Hold on, I think I had the right parts, I'll fix you up"

"I have just one purpose, shouldn't you know if I'm worth fixing first?"

"You can introduce yourself as I fix you, then"

"I'm Kakashi. I guess last name won't matter anymore."

Kakashi watches Obito for a while and asks "What about you? You just have an artificial arm, the rest is human, right?"

"I'm Obito Uchiha. Hey, you were even given a last name? Based on the company that made you?"

Obito's surprised because he thinks Kakashi was a really well made android and he's even more baffled he was thrown out

"No, an actual last name. You won't find a company named Hatake making androids."

"So what's with your single purpose, then?"

"Sex."

Obito makes a startled noise and looks at Kakashi with wide eyes

"What"

"You heard me. I'm a sex android."

Obito continues fixing, now with a slight blush on his face and Kakashi chuckles

"Told you you should think whether I'm worth it"

"Hey, maybe I'm lonely. Girls don't like someone with the nickname King of Trash, you know? And I ain't putting my dick anywhere near Zetsu no matter how desperate I am"

"Zetsu?"

"An old crappy android."

"Well, Obito. Aren't you lucky then."

Though Kakashi has an disinterested tone all the time so he sounds sarcastic and Obito raises an eyebrow

They continue talking and Kakashi mentions his 'work' parts are surprisingly undamaged

"Guess even when they were throwing me out they still hesitated whether to fuck me one last time or not"

"How long did you even work for?"

"Hm... A year?"

"WhO THROWS A WORKING, HIGH QUALITY ANDROID AFTER A YEAR OUT"

"Chill, I told you they were the ones who broke me too"

"Yeah, why?!"

"I can tell you later. Now, you said you were lonely?"

Obito says he's fixed everything but he's not sure

and Kakashi grins "Well then time for a test run, right?"

They end up fucking hehe and Obito realises this feels so damn good

And despite the fact he's never really had a lot of sex before, fucking Kakashi feels... real

The way he moans and gasps and thrashes in bed, it's like he's a human, and after sex Obito keeps wondering who would put this much effort into a sex android

Most he's seen are just like living sex dolls, moaning and doing hardly any movement, maybe only shaking their ass and bouncing on your dick

Obito keeps Kakashi and Kakashi is so pretty that Obito even tells him not to help him at work too much, joking Kakashi might get hurt

They fuck every night and Obito finds Kakashi cute and pretty and before he realises it he enjoys Kakashi's presence a lot

One day Obito chuckles he could sell Kakashi for a few thousands since he's practically as good as new and he's so damn good but then sees Kakashi frown and his eyes look upset and Obito gets flustered and says it's just a joke

"No, it's fine... No offense taken. Androids are just... toys, I know"

Obito feels stupid for saying that and asks Kakashi finally

"I have to know... Why do you... Uh... Why are you so..."

"real?"

"Y-yeah"

"It's okay, I know. You have no idea how many times I was compared to other sex androids. How they showed off how much they can make me mewl from fingering alone when other androids would hardly react"

"I-I just can't understand why they'd throw you out if they've put so much effort into making you."

"They didn't really put much effort, you know?"

"But the coding-"

"What coding. There was no need for complicated coding. Just making sure I'd be horny all the time and wouldn't cry and say no."

"... what?"

"Well, you probably haven't come across something like me yet. To be honest, I didn't either until I got into trouble"

Kakashi sighs and tells Kakashi his story finally

"I feel real because I am real. I told you, I have a last name. Because I am Kakashi Hatake. If you look me up, you'll find some shit out probably. "

"Real. As in... You were- are a human? But-"

"I have an android body? I know, shocking. According to the official info, I even have a date of death. I couldn't pay off my dad's debts so some bad people with too much money on their hands decided to make me pay off in a different way"

"W-why make you an android"

"I told you. Humans can get broken too quickly, they cry and scream they don't want it, keep saying no and begging for mercy... And most importantly, they're not always in the mood"

Obito feels sick hearing it and starts apologising to Kakashi, that he shouldn't have just fucked him, he probably didn't want it, etc etc

But Kakashi smiles and cups Obito's cheeks "I told you to. You didn't tell me anything."

"But you just said, they forced you to always want-"

"I don't jump at people wanting to be fucked, Obito. Most of the time it's just a passive feeling that if someone grabbed and fucked me, I'd be okay with it"

"But when I tell someone I want it, I want it."

Obito looks confused and Kakashi giggles

"Obito, you're the first person to ever show concern for me"

"You didn't just think I'm a junk, you princess carried me to fix me"

"Well I... uh... You were still working and you were so..."

"Pretty, I know"

They end up kissing and hugging

And Kakashi whispers "So please, don't sell me. I want to be with you"

"I wouldn't dream of it. I want you too"

*

Some extras:

Kakashi can be powered off, he can have a few things programmed like how long he should be on standby, imitating sleep

They didnt power him off because they just saw kakashi as nothing more than trash. They used him for a year and got bored

Kakashi used to live in constant fear once his dad died and the debt collectors chased him. He couldnt get enough money to pay it off and they finally decided to make him their bitch

So Kakashi hasn't seen any kindness in years. Plus Obito looked hot. So for the first time Kakashi saw someone he wanted to have sex with

Normally he'd probably say thanks and offer to help at work but since he was made to be a sex android he couldnt think of other ways to show gratefulness

#text #ideas

[cutiewithamind]

Roleplay Plots and Rules

18+, I am currently 19 years old

I am the female in the plots but dont mind which gender you are

I usually do first POV but can do Third

I usually can do from 3 sentences to 3 paragraphs depending on responses

I have kik and email

Plots~~~

1. Me and you meet one night at the carnival that comes to town every year before school starts. We hit it off well— having some make out sessions and some other things. We exchange numbers and agree to go out sometime—there was undeniable chemistry that we both wanted to explore. All of that comes crashing down when I , who is a senior in high school, walks into class on the first day and finds you sitting behind the teachers desk.

2. You hear alarms go off in the city, radios turns into saying that there will be nuclear bombs coming soon. Amd tv shows turning to these screens. Being in school the principal and school board lwt us go to our family. Since i was an orphan, i just went to the store, getting some supplies, clothes and a duffel bag for all the stuff, then i put everything in and goes to the closest apartment or office. Running into it as other people run out, people on the highway, trying to find a place to go, and i gwt down on the lowest level, and goes to a room that seems good enough, knocking on the wall. Seeing if all the walls are concrete.

3. Many years later, we had a big war that were bigger than all others. And as it did, it destroyed many of our land. Making people adapt, and some didnt make it. - I was at a lake, with some bottles of water, trying to get some water to heat up and drink. Also next to me is a backpack and a baseball bat

4. I lived in a poor family, with my parents in debt so i did whatever i could to help them. So i looked for a good paying job. You were looking for a personal assistant, and i thought it’ll be okay. So i applied for the job and you wanted to interview me.

5.We were two strangers that were kidnapped. And i was tied up, having a ball gag in my mouth, music blaring from the headphones that covers my ears. I couldnt tell where i was since they also covered my eyes, leaving me defenseless in all ways. All i knew that i was tied down on a flat surface and that im n.aked.

6. I am your neighbor for a year and i am a little but ive never told anyone. I have the small town house next to you and i have a cute cat that loves to go into your backyard. So i always have to knock on your door to get her back.

7. I was one of your "girls" or what your gang likes to call us "whores". Most of them were more mature, bigger breasts and asses. I was more petite and was picked on more by the other girls and guys. You were the leader of the group. I couldnt tell if you ever liked me around but one day you snapped at an other girl for pushing me on the ground.

8. It was a year after everything collapsed, government, police, economy. There were some communities and it was lucky for someone to move into community without any suspicions. There was a group that would kidnap people in an area. Where they take the victims, it wasnt really known. It was a high school that looks lifeless. There were wooden boards up on every window. There mustve been insulation so no one can hear what happens in it. There were mostly women that were the victims. The men would make the women work, separating peas from the leaves or stitch up clothes, and fullfill their se.xual favors. Some women were older with others and when they find no use for a woman they will take her to a random place and leaves her there. Making sure that the woman is far away from the site.

9. It was during a war. Men came through our town, sirens going off and yelling. I was young, 16, moving with my mother as soldiers pointed us the direction of where to go. We load up on trucks, not knowing if we were going to live. As we are being transported, gun fire goes off and my mother covers me, making me lay down as her body covers me. Men start yelling then shoot again, now at us. I hear screaming and gun fire. Then nothing.

10. You lived on your own but you wanted to visit us. I am your little sister, still in high school and living with mom and dad. You were out of the house for acouple of months.The thing is that mom had her schedule switched so she is gone most nights and dad took advantage of that. You called mom that you were coming over. She was so happy and so was I. Dad wasnt happy or looking like it since it would now be harder for him to take advantage of me.

11. I walk into the town, deserted with rusted cars, weeds growing on the sidewalk and dogs roaming around. I quickly move around, not wanting a bad group to find their way to me. I have a backpack, duct taped boots, hoodie, sweatpants and a bat with me. My hair was always up, I couldnt have it in my face, i needed to watch for things coming my way. I turned a corner hoping to find a supermarket so I can get some canned food.

12. You love going to your favorite restaurant, it is cheap but also great food. You knew mostly all the staff except the new server. She is following around another server, getting a feel for her role. They come around to you and she starts with her lines. "Hello, welcome to Anthony's Diner, is there anything I can get you started with?" I say nervously.

13. We are both in college, you are 2 years ahead of me. I just started and you always tease me when we pass each other since we are step siblings. We got an apartment together, since it was easier. There is a party tomorrow and you hear me talking to my friends about going.

Please message if interested

#rp partner #rp plot #new rp #rp #rp partner wanted #rp partner needed #rp partner ad #rp partner search #roleplay partner search #roleplay partner wanted #roleplay partner needed #roleplay partner #roleplay

[se-anubis]

So today I was taking a nap and I wound up in a lucid enough state to try astral projecting again. This is something Im usually really good at but I am severely out of practice so I was happy that I was lucid enough to attempt.

So I started talking to one of my Imaginary Friends (not even sure which one. Thats weird. In the rare times we dream together its usually super easy to tell who's who), about where we should go. She said we should try another universe, and I said I didnt feel like trying to make my way back from that far away (if I want to wake up fast, it hurts, but if I want to wake up slow, I have to go through different levels of consciousness and that's annoying as shit). So then one of us jokingly says we should try the Duat, but we meant it at the time as a general word for a dimension of dead spirits. I of course immediately said no to that too.

Next thing I know, Im imagining myself rolling off the couch that I'm sleeping on, and then Im not in literal Kansas anymore. I wind up in ACTUAL Kansas. Which is to say Im in a cornfield at dusk, on one corner of a plot divided into fours by a pale dirt road, and there's a black body hanging on a cross above me. Not sure if it was a scarecrow or something else.

I sensed something near me, so I immediately checked to make sure I was presenting my astral form and not my actual physical or soul form. And that's when I turned around and saw the Baron, or at least a spirit pretending to be him.

In before the hysterical comments: I want to point out that I am NOT trying to claim any tie to the Baron or voodoo in general that I do not already have. I wound up where I did by accident, I wasnt looking for the Baron, and Im only like 60-70% sure it was actually him, Im seriously entertaining the thought that it was just another lying spirit.

So there I am, face to face (sort of...) with the Baron. I dont remember the exact dialogue we exchanged but I remember at one point he asked my name. I then immediately felt him in my head trying to find my name. But I've prepared for this and blocked my thoughts so he couldnt get one of my human names, then remembered fae rules (good rules to practice in general even if you arent dealing with fae). I told him, "You may not have my name. But you may call me *Magic Name.*"

So he laughs and goes, "You were trained well." And we shake hands. Then he asks me in a tone that carries a small bit of annoyance, what I'm doing halfway to Hell (again, I dont think he meant literal Hell and that was just my mind's way of translating "dimension of the dead" but I could be wrong).

I told him that I wound up there by accident. He said that people usually pay a toll for using his roads. At the time (and still now) I wasnt sure how true that was. I made it clear that I wouldnt pay for going somewhere by accident but would still be more than happy to consecrate, using my traditional methods, the next meal I ate to him. He said that would be good enough, and I left.

So now I'm off to go heat up a small plate of last night's dinner because I do NOT want to forget and wind up in debt to this dude whether he is the Baron or not.

I think I had a point I wanted to make after telling this story but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was. Still, this is a little weird experience even if it wasnt the weirdest one I've ever had (most of those go into a little book that I don't let people see, this is a pretty low ranked astral/dream encounter for me)

#afro witch #voodoo #afro pagan #baron samedi

[justauthoring]

tears of despair (2/2)

request: Could I request a Lorenzo x Reader where the reader is sold off due to her fathers debts and Lorenzo does everything he can to get her back

part one

please don’t plagiarize my work!

word count: 1,724

The bed shifts under his weight, and all too soon do you feel an arm wrap around your waist, pulling you against another. 

You keep your eyes on that one small spot on the wall adjacent to you, it being the only thing to somewhat calm your nerves. Your right hand grips the sheets beneath you tightly, crumpling them up in the palm of your head as you entire body tenses upon the feeling of him behind you.

His free hand brushes the hair around your neck back, revealing the skin from him as he presses light kisses against the exposed skin. Your eyes fall shut, not in contentment or pleasure, but rather discomfort. And as your eyes fall shut, you like imagine that it is Lorenzo behind you, not Leonardo, and that you are back home in Florence with Lorenzo by your side.

When you open your eyes, the dream fades and reality settles in.

“Will you join me for breakfast this morning?”

You swallow thickly at the sound of his voice, your grip on the sheets tighten if more so. Shoulders tensing, you press the side of your head into your pillow, your silence giving Leonardo his answer.

You hear him huff in frustration, his arm practically ripping from your side. The bed once again shifts under his weight as he stands up to his feet, and while you don’t glance back at him, the urge to is strong. Your body is completely still, tense in anticipation towards his movements. 

You hear the slight ruffling of clothing, signaling that he was getting dressed before footsteps echo around the room. They stop by the door, and for a moment silence seems to be the only thing you can focus on. Then, Leonardo scoffs and his lips part; “I have been very patient,” he mumbles, his voice thin and cold, displaying his frustration. “Given the circumstances, I thought it best to let you become acquainted with your new home on your own terms. But this has been going on for too long.”

Your jaw clenches when you hear footsteps once again, and then suddenly a shadow falls in front of you. Your eyes flicker upwards, meeting Leonardo’s own angry ones staring down at you.

“Get up,” he orders.

You stay put.

His lip snarls and then Leonardo grabs your wrist, pulling you up with a hard yank. A gasp leaves your lips in response, being pulled up to your feet by no will of your own. Leonard then grabs your other hand, squeezing both wrists tightly that you know it will leave a bruise, as he leans in close, his eyes narrowed dangerously.

“I am your husband,” he growls, eyes blazing. Your lips part in fear, heart pounding against your chest. “You will obey me.”

Gaining courage, you narrow your own eyes, struggling in his grip. “Let me go.”

Leonard only response by tugging you forward once again, he shifts his body in one quick movement and suddenly you find yourself slamming against the floor. You land with a thud, a moan of pain leaving your lips. You barely have time to register your pain before you hear Leonardo lunge towards you, causing you to spin so you are on your back, staring fearfully up at your husband.

“You will obey me,” Leonard repeats, the words a underlining threat. “You will learn to accept your position as my wife and this foolish pity party you are throwing will end.”

You stare up at him, chest rising and falling rapidly. 

“Is that clear?”

Once again, you don’t respond. That little bit of defiance in you still fighting.

You flinch, though, a whimper leaving your lips when Leonard raises his head. “Is that clear?”

Cowering, you finally nod; “y-yes--!”

A knock on the door interrupts you. Your eyes flicker over to it, your body stilling when it slowly opens and a servant pokes his head in through. Leonard spins around to face the servant, his eyes falling on that of you to your husbands, and for a moment, you swear you see realization of your state hit him. But he says nothing.

“What is it?” Leonard snaps.

“Uh, sorry, Messer,” the servant shakily bows his hand. “There is a man here that wishes to speak to you.”

Leonardo’s eyes fall on yours briefly before turning back to the servant. “Messer Medici, sir.”

Your eyes widen. That couldn’t...

Growling, Leonardo nods; “leave us.” The servant is quick to obey, but not without a brief glance your way, the door shutting behind him.

You are pulled out of your thoughts when Leonard takes another step your way. Meeting his eyes, you swallow nervously. “Get dressed,” he orders gruffly, before a tight-lipped smile crosses his features. “We have company.”

-

You keep your head bowed, hands clasped before yourself as you listen carefully to those around you. Leonard is stood to your left, a few steps ahead of you as you both patiently, or impatiently given your circumstance, wait for Messer Medici be brought into your husband’s family’s hall.

You don’t have to wait too long before you hear the familiar sound of the large doors squeaking open. You know who it is, but you don’t dare raise your hand to confirm your suspicions. It’s been weeks since that day in the streets of Florence when you had cried and pleaded with Lorenzo to save you from what was now your marriage. From when he promised he’d save you and find you once more.

That had been weeks and you were starting to lose hope.

“Messer Medici,” your husband greets, and you can practically envision the fake smile plastered on his lips. “How nice it is to see you again.”

“Please.” You falter slightly at the sound of his voice, finally daring to raise your head. When your eyes finally land on Lorenzo, you feel your heart quite literally stop. Lorenzo is careful not to meet your eyes, but something about the smirk on his lips tells you he aware of your wondering gaze. “Call me Lorenzo, as I shall call you Leonardo.”

Your eyes flicker to your husbands as he feigns a polite grin; “okay, Lorenzo,” he corrects with a slight tilt of his head. “What is it that brings you so far away from your home?”

“I think you already know, Leonardo.”

You have no doubt what, or rather who he speaks of.

“Ah,” Leonardo nods, and your thoughts are only confirmed when his gaze slides to you. “My wife.”

For the first time in what feels like forever, your eyes meet Lorenzo’s.

“The wedding has not actually occurred,” Lorenzo comments, that confident smirk on his face never faltering. “Or had I heard wrong?”

You see the edges of Leonardo’s feigned politeness waver, his smile faltering just slightly. “No, you are correct,” he nods stiffly. He reaches out for you, and you listen without fault, not wanting to cause a seen or end up with another bruise. Your face tenses when Leonardo wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you securely against his side. You keep your gaze firmly on that of Lorenzo to help calm yourself. “But she is still to be my wife,” Leonardo continues, raising his chin in defiance. “Why should I give her back when her father as already promised her to me?”

“Because I can pay a hefty price,” Lorenzo bargains, “one that would greatly benefit your family.”

Leonardo’s lips part and he pauses in thought for a moment; “you are right,” he relents, “But, I have grown quite fond of Y/N.” You swallow slightly when Leonardo raises his hand, stroking it across your left cheek, causing you to flinch away from his touch slightly. Meeting Lorenzo’s eyes, you don’t miss the way his shoulders square tightly upon your reaction. “Money can’t always buy such beauty.”

“Have you ever heard of love, Leonardo?

Your breath halts in your chest at Lorenzo’s words, your eyes widening.

Leonardo also seems surprised by Lorenzo’s words, pushing you away as he takes a step towards Lorenzo. Coming to a stop before him, he crosses his arms over his chest. “Are you telling me you are in love with my wife?”

“Fiance.”

“Answer the question, Lorenzo.”

“Yes,” Lorenzo nods, his eyes sliding past Leonardo’s shoulder to meet your own. “I am in love with, Y/N. And I will pay any price to have her. I have already made the preparations.”

There is a startling moment of silence where you are unsure what Leonardo will say. Where you truly believe he will say no. But then, he spins, meets your eyes and nods, signaling towards Lorenzo. Your eyes widen, brows furrowing as you hesitate walking forward. Then, slowly, you step forward, crossing the short distance to Lorenzo as Leonardo makes his way back to his previous spot.

The moment you reach Lorenzo, he grabs you by the wrist, tucking you securely and safely behind him.

“That’s it?” Lorenzo questions, obviously confused. “No bargaining? Arguments?”

“She was never more than a bargaining chip,” Leonardo shrugs, and you feel your heart plummet at the fact that you were nothing more than a pawn in this mans game. That he never even considered you an actual human being with feelings and thoughts. “I wanted money, didn’t matter from who; her father, you, someone else. And i’ve got what I wanted.”

Lorenzo’s shoulders square and you can see the anger in his eyes, but you squeeze his hand, causing his eyes to fall on your own. Sighing, Lorenzo turns back to Leonardo; “my men will provide you with the appropriate sum.”

Leonardo grins; “pleasure doing business with you, Messer Medici.”

Lorenzo doesn’t respond. He simply turns, pulling you with him as you glance back at Leonardo one final time, hating the way he glowers down at you. The moment Lorenzo and you are alone and far away from Leonardo, he pulls you quickly into his embrace, pulling you firmly against himself and cradling the back of your head.

“Lorenzo,” you breathe, voice shaky. “The money--”

Pulling back, Lorenzo leans his forehead against your own. “It doesn’t matter,” he argues softly, “all that matters is I have you back in my arms.”

Letting out a shaky breath, you nuzzle your nose against Lorenzo’s warmth. “I missed you, my love.”

“As I missed you.”

-

Let me know what you thought? Remember, reblogging always helps!

#medici #medici imagine #medici x reader #medici the magnificent #netflix #netflix imagine #lorenzo #lorenzo imagine #lorenzo de medici #lorenzo de medici imagine #lorenzo de medici x reader #lorenzo x reader #daniel sharman #daniel sharman imagine #daniel sharman x reader #imagine #imagines #drabble #drabbles #prompt #prompts #request #requested

[daddylonglungs-blog]

And that

And that is not to say that there haven’t been bad times, like in any job. There have been mornings where I have come home with bruises all over my knees, my makeup sweated off, after a busy night. I have felt overworked and underappreciated by my bosses. Sometimes after a shift I have an overwhelming need to curl up in the arms of someone who loves me just because I crave that intimacy that I don’t get when I am at work because I am so self-sufficient there. And I am lucky that I have people who do love me, who can hold me after work and let me be still for a moment. I know that not everybody has that and I am never ungrateful for that privilege.Streamate sells its models through a variety of repackaged and re-skinned websites, like PornHubLive — using the site's well-known brand as an easy in with porn consumers. In reality, it's the same old site in new clothes. Streamate itself is hard to pin down. Trying to find who actually owns it is dizzying: The domain belongs to Flying Crocodile Incorporated, which has a PO box in Seattle. Job openings point to a nebulous firm called NaiadDev, also based in Seattle (and hosted by FlyingCroc). But the company's custodian of records is one Rena Erotocritou, employed by "Ariel Secretaries Limited", a ghost of a company based out of Cyprus.While I was there, I went through one of the trainings they offer—a cam girl boot camp, so to speak. To be a cam girl, I learned, you have to be able to field sexual requests and be an expert on all kinds of fetishes so that you always know what clients are talking about. On top of that, you also have to be a pseudo therapist. The coach trained me on how to respond to different fetish requests, what to wear, how to do my makeup, how to pose, how to use the equipment, and just how to interact with clients in general. It turns out that, according to my coach, what people like is generally not the super over-the-top sexy woman. They want someone who looks hot but is pretty normal and chill, who they can just talk to.Inside the building, Studio 20 occupies the first and second floors. Forty rooms open off pristine, white corridors, their walls adorned with pictures of women in states of glamorous undress. A closed door means business. Inside that room a woman is live and direct via webcam with international clients - and as long as she is alone in the room, it is entirely legal. In this world of virtual relationships and cybersex, those in front of the camera are "models" and the men who watch are "members".

It was after a shift at the club in Kings Cross I was dancing at that I sat on my bedroom floor and googled feminism and stripping. I was naked underneath my pink robe, hair extensions falling out, one eyelash stubbornly stuck on. I had been speaking with a friend that night on the phone during my break who had said something that I couldnt get out of my head. She told me that my job was degrading and asked me how I could call myself a feminist when I turn guys on for money.Mila Milan is as close as camming gets to producing a celebrity: a renaissance woman boasting ownership of a private resort in Thailand (below), a Porsche, an industrial design firm, nine cats, eight dogs, an impending book deal, a small child, and what she says was "one of the biggest tips ever in cam history — 260,000 tokens, which meant $US13,000 for me.Female cam models get a lot more money than male cam models (duh). Unless of course you want to do shows for gay men, which she says a lot of straight male cam models find "strange," probably because those guys assumed they'd be models for women. Uh, nope. Women already have plenty of dick pics, thanks. Basically you get to be your sex-positive self to your full potential.

As with most sex work, webcamming doesn’t have the best reputation. It’s often seen as exploitation or a last-resort hustle to pay off debt, but Reed Amber, 26, explains how webcam models are just your average self-employed freelancers with the same amount of agency and independence as anyone else.When the clothes do come off, it can be damn lucrative: Domino estimates she hauls in around $US300 on a good day — although a bad day is zero dollars, and hours wasted. But it's enough for her to be completely self-sufficient, albeit weary of the whole thing sometimes. More concerning though are the handful of "true creeps" she runs into — the gents who aren't just pervs, but sexual threats. That's never OK, but the rest of the time, occasional criminals aside, the job sounds downright leisurely.Exactly! That's where I got my first taste of sex positivity. Going through my relationships and going to university I was like ‘woah, nobody thinks the way I do, I must be weird'. But being a webcam model, I realised everyone is into something different, they just feel like they can't talk about it."There are girls who think they will just stay in front of the camera and make money. But all the things they do there will affect their minds. The next step is prostitution. I see that now. CONTINUED BELOW...

[michaelreaderreblog]

My truemate pt5

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“How is she?” He asks once they step further down the hall.

“She slept better, didnt stir nothing” Dean says looking from his brother and to the steps as they go down the stairs and into the kitchen. Sam goes straight for the cupboard, pulls out the bag of grinded coffee to make a pot.

“What are your plans for today?” Sam asks from the fridge pulling out items for breakfast.

“I was thinking of checking out the hardware store for some supplies I will be needing for the shelves” Dean says as he takes the eggs and bacon from Sam.

“How about you?” Dean asks getting a bowl from the cupboard to scramble the eggs for you.

“Im going to stay behind with y/n and if she needs to go anywhere uh which vehicle you using anyways? The Impala or the pick up?” Sam asks looking to Dean while he pours the eggs into the pan thats on the stove.

“Im going to use the pick up, so you two can use the impala” Dean replies to Sam, right before Sam could say anything to Dean is when you come walking down the stairs and into the kitchen where your brothers are.

“Morning guys” You say while getting a cup from the cupboard to make yourself a cup of coffee as the alarm from the coffee maker goes off.

“Morning y/n. Feeling any better?” Sam asks getting out of the way for you to pour yourself a cup.

“Glad you asked and yeah I am feeling a lot better actually” You reply getting the cream from the fridge and taking a seat at the table.

“Thats good to hear, what are your plans today?” Sam asks following you to the table and seats himself across from you.

“Well I was hoping to go into town and get a few supplies to get myself busy” You answer back to him and looking to Dean who has a smile on his face.

“Well thats great to hear, I'll come with you plus I really want to explore the town anyway and see if they are hiring some where or something” Sam says after taking a sip from his coffee and thats when Dean serves the food to the both of you.

“Thanks De, yeah that sounds good wouldnt mind doing that to. Naomi said something about stopping by so that I could meet her son who is also Omega” You look to both of your brothers.

You and your brothers enjoy the breakfast Dean has made along with the delicious coffee Sam has made and he always made the better coffee not to strong and not to light just right in the middle. Dean always made the strong coffee but you didnt seem to mind since there were times when you needed his coffee to go along with the morning orders back in Sioux Falls that the customers has ordered.

Now moving here you hope that business will pick up and be as successful so that you could continue on saving and having a steady some what income for the time being since either of your brothers arent currently working but willing to live off of savings for now.

Dean is the one who leaves the house first to check out the hardware store in town, as he drives away in your late fathers pick up truck you turn to Sam who is still in the kitchen washing the dishes he has agreed to do after Dean cooked breakfast.

“Need help Sammy?” You ask before taking a clean dish cloth from the drawer.

“No, thats fine. I will just set them on the dish rack for them to dry and put them away later” He answers looking away from you to rinse out the suds from the plate and places it on the rack.

“Ok well Im going to shower and get ready so that we can head out to town as well” You say walking away from the kitchen and stop just before going up the stairs.

“Yeah sounds good and after your shower I will take one next” He says while continuing on with the dishes.

When Dean parks the truck into the parking lot, he turns off the engine to get out and head on inside the store. He walks in and starts to look for the aisle where the lumber is being kept, he sees Michael helping another customer and as soon as he turns to Dean's direction he walks towards him.

“Hi, its Dean right?” He asks stopping beside him.

“Yeah, Michael?” He takes out his hand for him to shake and with no hesitation Michael returns the gesture.

“What can I help you with today?” He asks looking away from him and at the lumber thats in front of them.

“Well I wanted to get a few supplies for some shelves I will be making for the house well for the living room anyways. My sister loves it when I make something for the house but doesnt like it when I sell em near the end” He says looking from the oak lumber to the cedar lumber.

“Well you know what you want and therefore I dont need to suggest anything”

Michael says with a smile spread across his face.

He helps Dean with the material he would be needing for the shelves he would be making along with other materials such as sand paper, screws, electric screwdriver, and the finishing coat in cherry oak to go along with the house. When Michael serves Dean himself at the cash register he gives him a pretty generous amount of the discount and he looks to him

“You didnt need to do that, I would have been fine paying for full price” He says while getting his debt card from his wallet.

“No please, its not a big deal. Maybe for next time I will charge you full price for the next purchase” He says smiling to Dean getting a slight chuckle from him.

“Dean before you go um how is your sister doing?” After Michael asks that is when he sees Anna enter into the store and this is not a really good time for her to be walking in while Dean is standing right in front of him.

Anna stands beside Michael and gives him a chaste peck to his lips, Dean looks to the scene in front of him and he couldnt believe it.

“Hi my name is Anna, his girlfriend and you are?” Anna asks pulling herself away from Michael slowly to properly introduce herself.

“Hi um Im Dean, just moved here” He says politely shaking her hand and pulls away to look at Michael again who is nervously adjusting himself away from Anna.

“Dean is the brother of the Omega I was telling you about, you know the one who got harassed by Dick” Michael tells Anna basically growling the whole time he tells her, she looks to him with a questioning look on her face at his sudden retort.

“Y/n, her name is y/n” Dean says to the both of them and doesnt like it when someone calls you by your biology because you are a human being to and deserve to be treated like one.

“Y/n wow thats a beautiful name” Anna says with a genuine smile.

“Thanks my mom named her uh sorry late mom” He says as his voice gets lower talking about your mother in the past tense.

“Sorry to hear that but she still has a beautiful name” She says taking her eyes off Dean and looking to Michael who hasnt said anything.

“Well I better get going, I have things to get started on. Its nice meeting you Anna and good to see you again Michael” Dean says while pushing the gurney out the door containing his items.

“I will help you with that, Anna I will be right back. You can go wait in my office while I help Dean with his stuff” Michael says walking out with Dean, not giving her time to say anything.

When they both reach the pick up truck and get the plywood into the extended cab.

“Girlfriend huh?” Dean says to break the silence.

“Yeah we have been together since college” He answers him honestly.

“Wow” Is all Dean can muster up.

“Look Dean after that night with the whole thing that happened to y/n I caught her scent and um” He trails away and doesnt know if he should go on and tell Dean about the whole mate thing thinking he is crazy for thinking that way.

“I know, she caught it to and she says the same thing but you have a girlfriend” Dean says looking away from him and placing more items into the extended cab.

“I know, I have always believed in true mates were brought together by scent but when I got older and nothing ever appealed to me is when I settled for Anna. I know that sounds horrible believe me I know but that night I caught her scent, felt her fear and I just wanted to throw Sam out of the way and hold her” Michael says as he places the last of the plywood into the back of the truck and takes the gurney from Dean's hands.

Dean stands there letting out a slight chuckle but he didnt know what to think about all of this and didnt know what to say after he tells him all of this.

“Look we never believed in true mates either but some how it was itched into our brains because our late parents were brought together by scent. My mom was an Omega and my dad was an Alpha they were high school sweet hearts for crying out loud. You need to figure something out before you even get close to my sister. Reason why I am saying this is because I dont want anyone getting hurt especially y/n if anything goes wrong” He says looking to Michael with a stern expression but when talking about your parents is when his expression is soft but instantly changes when going off topic.

“I am sorry about your parents if I havent said it yet. I understand where you are coming from, I am the same way with my brother Castiel he is also an Omega. I protect him and fight for him tooth and nail. I will figure something out but in the mean time I got to talk to Anna about this” Michael says as he stands there with Dean and thats when they say their good days and into separate directions.

“Y/n you ready yet, Im all dressed and ready. I thought you would be done by the time I got out of the shower” Sam yells from the bottom of the stairs.

You walk out of your room after taking one glance at yourself in the mirror and satisfied even with the sweat pants you decided to wear with a simple green long sleeve and go down the stairs to see Sam in the kitchen drinking the last of his coffee.

“You sure you want to head out today?” He asks walking towards you.

“Yeah, I need to start on the plushies and open shop” You answer walking to the door, placing your shoes on along with your jacket and you take the house keys that is placed in the bowl and walk out to lock the door.

Sam opens the driver side to enter into the car and you follow seconds later into the passenger side. He starts the engine, backs out of the garage and drives away from the house.

“So where are we going first?” Sam asks once we hit the road and going into town.

“Well we are going to a sewing shop called Stitching to Heaven” You answer your brother with a puzzled expression across your face, you look to Sam who also has the same expression.

“Ok, I think I remember seeing something like that on our way in yesterday” He says keeping both eyes on the road.

When the both of you got in front of the store is when Sam parked the car, turned off the engine and got out of the car to enter into the store. You went straight for the coloured yearn and selected the colours you didnt have, you went to the section where they had the polyester filling and grabbed a few bags and last but not least selected a few fabrics.

“Well that was rather quick, I thought we would be spending the whole entire afternoon here” Sam says as he pushes the cart to the register.

“Well we could since you want to stay here all day” You smile back to your brother.

“Wow, you have got the collection there. What are you making?” The lady at the register says, she is a brunette, intense hazel eyes and you scent Omega from her.

“I am making plushies, I didnt realize I was out of certain supplies so I looked online where I can get them and it pointed me here” You answer her and you look behind but no Sam.

“Sam?” you say looking around the store.

“Hhmm?” He says appearing from the sewing machine section.

“Plushies are adorable, Im Sarah by the way. Whenever you are done you should stop by again and show me your toys” She introduces herself.

“Im y/n and this is my brother Sam. That would be good and I have Naomi who wanted to do the same for me. I will once I have extras made” You introduce her to Sam who stands a distant away from the both of you and waves with a slight smile to his face while handing the stuff to Sam after she has bagged them.

“Hi Sam.” She says looking away from the register to make eye contact with Sam while telling you the amount that you owe and back at Sam.

“Really? I thought it would be more then that” You ask while pulling cash out of your wallet.

“Initially yeah but I gave you the business owners discount since you technically have one. My dad owns the store and has added the business owners discount, after a certain amount we add in whatever amount of a percentage off” She answers you and smiles the whole time she is explaining.

“That is amazing, hhmm wonder if Dean got the same over at the hardware store” You say out loud and having a chuckle from Sarah.

“Yeah I am pretty sure he did” She answers and the both of you share a chuckle together.

Before walking out of the store, you give Sarah your number to meet up to have coffee some where or simply invite her over to have a glimpse of the finished products. Sam stumbles out of the store almost tripping over the fabric you have selected.

#michael #reader insert #supernatural!au #supernatural #a/b/o dynamics #alpha!michael #omega!reader #michael x reader #anna milton #dick roman #dean winchester #sam winchester #benny lafitte #sarah blake #castiel #michael x anna milton #supernatural!michael #my truemate #series #more to comes #dont remember what other tags i had on here before #supernatural fic #fanfiction

[topicprinter]

So I typed this out and it ended up being very long winded. I'm just trying to create an accurate picture of why im feeling absolutely stuck. Tldr is I put it all on black after feeling the game was rigged and it turns out there wasnt ever any black.I had a sense this was coming, but the power got shut off this morning and that's it. It's not really official, very unlikely chance I could open back up. I'm telling customers we are having electrical issues, we'll get back to them in a few days, but most replied, thanks and good luck... I've been open with the employees about what's going on. I was mostly a side hustle for them.I took over a family business after I graduated college, the recession started, but this before anyone knew that, just I couldn't find a job. Probably will be a few months. So a resume booster. The business was going under any day. I managed to slash costs, and started to increase revenue. It was still losing money, but it was managable. The general agreement was I'd be working for free, dad would pay down his debt, I'm effectively buying the place from him even though it was already understood I'd inherit it, and he'd give me the money I need to fix it up after he got his finances in order.At the end of the day, the issue is, the place looks run down. Our customers like that, but we tapped the entire market and it's not enough people. A lot of leads, if I converted 5% over the years, I would've been good, but same thing, place is gross / " dirty" / run down.Dad refused, he doesnt see how aesthetics matter, another one of his businesses closed for the same reason. He was also born dirt poor in a 3rd world country and he actually likes how the place looks.A few years ago, it suddenly was no longer my business. Older customers who didnt want more people and hated the changes, started complaining I didn't know what I was doing. The college campus expanded into our area and I was focused on them and young professionals.... He hired consultants and they all agreed I know exactly what to do and the place is going to fail otherwise. He said they were scams. Started yelling at me for not shutting off lights the second someone was no longer in the room. That would've maybe saved $50 a month and he wanted me to hire someone else to do just that. That's " when he realized I was wasteful and spoiled brat." Seriosuly, it's a 40k square foot facility. I just cant physically do that. No one could and also do their primary job.He started buying equipment for a new business he was starting, but it was going to take 10 years to purchase all the equipment. I was like wtf, 30k is all I need and I'm sitting here waiting for it. I tried things I thought were wrong in food faith and they were wrong. He said he would only give me the money after I'm profitable.....So I got the hint, got my mba, gave him my last semesters tuition due to an emergency. I asked for the money back and he said no. He's given 20x the amount to charity. I ended up going into collections and my credit score is in the 400s. Student loan debt is approaching 200k since that interest is accumulating. Cant prove I've been to college since my transcripts are locked until I pay my tuition. That's been my brick wall everytime I apply for a job.He asked me if I'd hire someone who really needs money. I started flipping out on him. Later on, he told me he was in collections and that was dishonorable. I totally lost it on him. The result is he claims I've been paid over the last 12 years, even though I wasnt. That he paid for my college and he never took money from me....there is nothing more shameful than a father taking money from his son to pay his bills and I'm just being " nasty" by claiming he did. I'm also disrespectful for flipping out. I guess besides him thinking if he ever listened to his son, hes a failure, he was trying to teach me a lesson for all that he's done for me and I wasn't appreciative..... up to this point I was oblivious that he was a narcissist and believes I'm his property.3 of my cousins started yelling at me because he's a great guy, he paid for them to go to college. They refused to believe he didnt pay for me or my brother.Word around town is I'm an idiot since the business is a goldmine, if I just made it look nicer.... Other people think I'm dumb because I tried to get more customers or wasnt appealing to them. The median household income of my city is 22k and that's my annual property tax, the average joe doesn't fathom the cost of operations. Either I had no authority, no money, or they were wrong.... my nearest competitor had 40x the customer base in an equal size facility and charged 2x.My bro is an issue. He's mentally ill. The plan was to make the business profitable and then sell it. Put half in a trust for my bro and have him live with me. Within 5 years of living on his own, I'm pretty sure he will be dead. He would never hurt anyone, but has been arrested a few times for making threats. Doesnt drink, doesn't use drugs. My dad refused to get him help when he was younger since mental illness brings shame to your family or something like that, and I was an asshole for saying he had mental health problems. Now my dad finally sees he does, but now my bro is refusing help. I dont know how I could start a family and help him at this point.So locally, I doubt I could find a job due to my reputation. I'm sorta on the outs with my family. I've been working 100 hr weeks for the past 10 years, so I dont really have friends anymore. I still have the transcript issue and I'm not sure how many landlords would rent to a sub 500 credit score in an area where you could feel safe. Almost 250 k in total debt with zero assets and I'm 35. Nothing in a retirement account. I'm not seeing the options right now ( I'm not suicidal by the way). Airforce still take recruits upto 39...although it is a bit late in life for that. My undergrad was in chemical engineering, so I think I have a decent shot. I can pass the fitness requirements. I was on a couple defense contractor type of startups that never went beyond sitting at a table discussing the plans. Thats what ultimately my goal was. Would probably help in those endeavours.I thought I should be at a point where my college education no longer mattered, but I guess working at the same place since graduating undergrad sets off alarms. Every job I applied to the application process stalled when I couldnt provide transcripts.I just do see a path for life. And I dont have to money to just move to a bigger city and see what I can get.

#/r/smallbusiness #reddit

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i just got back home at my new apartment from a MAST meeting and there’s some things i need to get off my chest that i realized i’ve been avoiding.

honestly, we’ve been a bit distant lately.

im really grateful for MAST and the people they are. and i only wish we couldve bonded on this level sooner but i am glad we’re able to do so now.

we had some deep talks during our hangout today and were very present and intentional with each other and im glad. 

and when jason shared about his family, it made me realize how terrified i am to go home bc i am afraid that nothing will have changed. i love jenny and i love MAST. I love PJosh, Amanda, Jason, and Johnathan bc I dont have to worry about being a burden with them bc i do genuinely love and care for me and want the best for me. They go out of their way to take care of me and make sure im home safe and mentally okay. And I am beyond grateful. Unsun loves me. Jenny Chang loves me. Josh Henderson I think loves me. People actually care for my wellbeing here. And I don’t feel like I have that at home. Not only have I been distancing myself from my family but I’ve been distant with everyone back home in general bc i’ve been so focused on trying to make a community here. Full of people I love and trust and can rely on.

I just dont want to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and just have so many expectations upon me. To be a good daughter, to be a good sister, to do this or do that. My mom was offended I didn’t ask her to help me move to Chicago my freshman year and she only asked me if I wanted her to help me move bc she found out her friends were helping their kids move in. She didn’t ask or offer her assistance. She just expected me to ask bc she wanted to fit in with her friends and prove she was a good mother.

even with my sister, she messaged me today with an expectation of me. instead of being glad or grateful that i would be going home, she asked why i couldnt just leave later and go to lollapalooza with her. is it wrong of me to expect or hope for her to be grateful im coming home at all? why is it so terrible that i dont want to go to lollapalooza? i told her that i still encouraged her to go if we wanted to and im not standing in the way of that. and she even said my mom was willing to pay for my ticket to the concert but im already so in debt to her bc of my mission trip and i dont want to just add onto that.

im also lowkey a lil frustrated rn bc i feel like ive explained my proposal to emily on how to handle utilities 3 times already and yet, she keeps asking and assuming and my patience is starting to run thin. i dont understand why she hasnt taken my proposal seriously or done what i asked her to do. she knows i dont have a phone and seemed willing to call peoplegas herself at first so i dont understand why shes being stubborn about doing it now.

sigh

anyway, in the car today while johnathan was driving me home to my new apartment, he asked what my thoughts on the whole topic were bc i had remained pretty quiet throughout it all. which i did. partly bc i just wanted to listen and be present and not feel the need to say what i think is “right” or the “best answer” and also bc i could never find a good opportunity to enter the conversation without interrupting someone else. and i confessed that at least on the topic of christians vs non-christians, i understood why jason would feel closer to non-christians bc of that expectation that christian communities have. i grew up in the church, yes. But I didn’t meet Christ until the end of 7th grade. And then I was temporarily on a spiritual high but struggled a lot my freshman year of high school and eventually just didnt see it as a priority or a reason to attend at all during my sophomore and junior years. And senior year, I tried to be open and honest and ended up feeling betrayed by James and tbh, im still a little triggered whenever I hear that name. Regardless of who it’s actually referring to and the context behind it. But that is when I came back to God bc I did feel a sense of community and belongingness with my Guatemala team. At least at first. I definitely felt it with Judy and Grace and I was glad to be there with them. But whenever I’ve come home and far too often, I feel like I have to try so hard just to be a part of the community at all and have to try to go to them so I have anyone in my life that I can rely on. Even when it comes to games, I’m often excluded and ignored bc I don’t fit the “standard” or cultural norm. And no one wants to be excluded or outcasted. We’re all insecure about ourselves but bc everyone is too afraid, no one reaches out to those that are left out and they all eventually leave bc they dont feel a sense of community. it’s a toxic culture and i dont want to go back. but yeah, i didnt come back to Christ until my senior year of high school and even then, it was just gaining a deeper understanding of Him through the Word and practical exercises. But mostly from mission training tbh and just being able to get closer with my team. so during that time when i was away from the church, i relied on my non-christian friends and they were the ones that were there for me when things got rough. i was honestly miserable at home and i couldnt handle it on my own and they were there to help me and listen to me and talk to me and be there for me. not my church friends. with them, i just felt betrayed. i tried to reach out to james, only to find out he and the rest of the guys had been gossiping about me behind my back when i so hopefully believed that we were getting closer and on our way to being friends. im shocked whenever people acknowledge my voice and im not ignored bc im so used to that culture and environment. ive tried to cry out to God and while i havent heard these things about me directly, i have heard many people complaining about people singing too loudly or not singing well enough and how it was annoying or keeping them from going to God. And I am so scarred by that toxic culture and behavior and bc that’s the only church I ever knew growing up, it’s affected how I perceive church in general now. And with church, there’s a certain expectation to be a better person and actively try to be more Christlike which I do but bc of that, I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to meet that expectation which just leads me back down the path of perceiving serving as an obligation and work and a burden and something i have to do instead of doing it bc i genuinely care and want to serve God by serving them. It is so easy for me to cultivate deeper relationships with my school friends and really care for them bc there is no expectation for me to do anything. But because I genuinely care, I am able to reach out to them and make sure they’re doing okay and provide my help and services in any way that i can.  with church, im almost forced and expected to reach out and be a good Christian and do everything right.

I know P. Josh knows my character and who I am and loves me for me but every single time I fall back into this mindset of serving bc I feel like I have to serve and I’m being defined by that, I am afraid to tell him and be honest about it bc I know he said previously he’d be weary of someone joining MAST bc they defined themselves by how they serve and I don’t want him to kick me out of MAST bc that’s what I’ve become. And I keep beating myself up over falling back into this place and this habit because I so desperately don’t want to lose this community and this little family that I have here and people that I do love and trust and rely upon so much. I don’t want to disappoint him. I can’t bear to. 

And even at my home church, I never felt like I could speak ill of my parents or vent about what I was going through with them bc my dad was so heavily involved in the church. Everyone knew who he was and I didn’t want to soil his name. I had to be a good Christian and uphold his reputation as his daughter. 

But I hated being defined as “Marty’s daughter” or “Loren’s sister.” I just wanted to be known as Jessica Oh. I wanted to be known as me for me.

And I know I’ve made mistakes at my home church and bc they came back to haunt me later during my high school career, I’m afraid they’ll never go away hear. I made a lot of mistakes my sophomore year and I’ve grown a lot since then. But I’m worried people haven’t forgotten about the mistakes I’ve made and relationships I once had are irreparable bc of things I said or did that I didn’t realize in the moment was wrong. I can’t be fully honest or trust the community with who I am bc I feel like I have to be perfect all the time bc of the expectation and pressure placed upon me. And it’s crippling. It’s a fear that is crippling and I can’t fully handle. I’m letting it stop me from really coming before Christ and being honest with Him and growing as a community bc of my love for Him and yearn to serve Him.

but...it’s definitely tough.

i started crying in the car. i didnt think i would but i really am in a lot of pain over this. i just hope it gets resolved soon.

but anyway, thank you God for providing us with the space and opportunity to share our thoughts and go deeper with each other. it was much needed and meant a lot to me and i do really love them all so much.

thank you, God.

oh last thing—the reason ive never really shared all this with jason in the past is bc i know his own relationship with his family is tense and he cant help me or give any advice on how to solve this issue bc he himself does not know.

but yeah.

thank you, God.

#reflection

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i havent written in a while, maybe thats because what i found out was my worst nightmare. two years, almost two years. i was happy, you were happy i think. but when things started to go crazy you werent happy anymore. i wanna vomit thinking about what our lives used to be, what they used to feel like they were heading towards. but a month out of that, youre with a new girl. im so conflicted- to feel sad or to tell you to fuck off. this is one of the hardest things i had to do and everyone is treating me like im some fragile doll. i hate it, but i also just want someone to wake me up and tell me this was all a dream. yea you were really shitty during some times and i let a loooot slide, but it was all because i loved you. im sorry my friends wrang you out to dry, i didnt tell them to but i was really really appreciative that they did. the second they saw shit was going everywhere. it only makes sense for you to have been cheating on me. i mean, less than three weeks to find a girl, ask her to date you, go to the tree, then post it? you dont post pics with tinder dates...? so who is she? why didnt you tell me? why couldnt you just have been honest. that you wanted something different, that another girl caught your eye. its better to rip the bandaid off with me. but no i sat around freaking out trying my absolute hardest to give you what you wanted. i was nothing but amazing to you, patient with you, caring for you, trying to help you, trying to help you to help us. maybe youll never realize that and think im too pushy. but the words you used, the way you kissed me after. i it doesnt make sense. it doesnt add up. how could you do that to someone you loved, let alone a person. but you know what, everyones right you are a loser and a coward. but lets touch on another point. the means for breaking us up were: 1. no one knows me at school, i want to be more known 2. i just have so much to figure out, i need to be alone to do this 3. if you really love something let it go, if it loves you back itll come back. now mr. i think im going to law school please lets go over this. you 1. have a new girl who lives two towns over and from the looks of it doesnt go to st johns so thats gonna be even more difficult to get your name out there huh 2. YOU HAVE A NEW GIRL SO I GUESS THERE WASNT THAT MUCH TO FIGURE OUT and lastly my favorite 3. that is the cruelest thing you can do to someone- to give them hope when you know there is no reason to. your moms was right, youre not worth crying over. but hey guess all of them are going to be compared to me haha i love it. you played me bill there i said it you fucking played me but dont think for one moment that girl will stop you from freaking out or getting too aggressive dont think that she will have the patience for you when you cant come over or that plans are canceled or that your schedule is so busy dont think that she will care for you the same way i did by trying to help you unload some of that baggage. dont think youll ever have the same relationship with anyone after me. im special, im the whole fucking package and i come with a fucking bow. you missed out, but maybe giving you a chance to miss out was the worst thing i couldve done. you made me feel bad when you had to work extra shift to pay for some wimpy ass birthday gift. they were never wrapped and never as special as i wanted to feel. the only good gift was the ring. but i guess even thats a joke now. you really did a 180. i dont know who this guy is, hes not the person i dated. you were sweeter when you were broke. you were nicer without that fucking car. you were a better boyfriend when you didnt try looking like any other washed up teen spending their parents money to buy the next nicest thing so they post a pic to twitter just to get like 10 likes. you were a much better person and i dont think it was the depression, i think its because youre not able to be your own person. you need to follow trends (and yes by being the first in line to get some weird blue floral print shorts is you following a trend) you needed to have the nicest car but that car isnt even paid for by you. that insurance on those things are so high. your poor parents. i cant believe you really need the nastiest human being on the world just to look like a dumb ass faker. you ugly fuck. i hope she realizes what a fucking prick you are. i cant believe you changed. you were a sweet boy but i was right on the 4th and i was still right in newport and i was right when i told you after we broke up. everything needs to be your way or no way. you needed to play a stupid game with too many rules to show my family you drink we dont care i wanted to spend time with my friend. you really couldnt have let me walk through the stores because you wanted to buy an ugly ass sweatshirt. youre mom called you out on it. you couldnt talk to me when i desperately needed to when i felt like nothing but a shell and would cry myself to sleep and throw up because i cant keep anything down not even coffee. but dont worry because i came out stronger and i will continue to be better because one thing i hope you picked up about me is that i need to be the best, the very top, the prime example for fun and brains. i need to be that. so i will be that, and you will be so far behind it would take you decades to get to where i wouldve been in two years. i hope you realize you are a fucking idiot. and i hope one day i can learn a thing or two from you imbeciles. because im gonna have the best time ever and enjoy being single and enjoy my achievements while you bury yourself in debt. hope you marry rich because at the pace youre going, you wont have a great paying job until your 50s. and the debt youll have no thankyou. i understand college is a rollercoaster and its frustrating to try to find your path but dude, a lawyer... during the third year of your four year scholarship? idiot, might as well just buy a bunch of shit on your credit card and hope it goes away. my next thing to look for is stability, if the people who i am talking to mention a job and aspirations and a plan as to how to work things out and talks about how he knows what he enjoys and has a good relationship with his parents and knows what he needs to do and when to do it. i need a man. i need someone who can and will pick me up just to swing me around his shoulder. i need a man. i need someone who will make me stronger and wiser. i need someone who will want to see me grow and not expect for me to help them get through non- challenging things like organization. you having depression is different. thats when you could expect me to help you. but dear lord, give me the strength to get through this and lord please give me the knowledge to recognize these things fast and to confront them and to know to stand down. lord give me the patience to succeed and to help me heal properly, lord give me the guidance to come out better than ever. life is tricky and its only just begun. i might hold on to this.