asexualdynamics

[asexualdynamics]

How to Save Your Own Life, Erica Jong

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Look at HIM

#bloggin #lil shitter

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if you're transgender you have to live.

#uhh yep #i really needed to hear this today #aaaand im crying again #but at least im not anxious anymore :)

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i work as a food server, and this group of women were sitting and chatting about politics apparently, and the only thing i could overhear was:

"-and some of these people ramble on for 10-15 minutes without answering 'yes or no' to a yes/no question. And I'm sitting here thinking- 'you're the governor? Thats frightening!' "

and all of of women at the table started nodding and muttering in agreement as they ate their jello.

i work in a senior living facility. that was the most comforting thing ive heard all week

#bloggin

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Learning to have fun with art again ☀️

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*takes a long slurp of tea before continuing*

-so anyways- it turns out I've been relying so much on other people's approval that it literally distorts my perception of reality if I don't get constant reassurance that I am doing life (?) correctly.

This sucks to live life like this. 🙃

Why yes, perhaps I am oversharing! Am I yet again still performing for nonexistant audience awaiting to judge my every move? Or perhaps a performance for is it the specific people I've cut out of my life, or rather, have cut me out of their life because I am just that unbearable? Why would they still be looking at my silly little dead blog? Who knows! That's their problem 🤷 or rather mine because I am trying to sustain mental stability.

*fumbles with the wooden soapbox that has a few planks missing before placing it down to sit on top**

Anyways I'm just gonna...find things that make me happy, but stay informed/connected to the world. I can't believe that I watched an actual genocide live on my phone, like how tf do you recover from that?

Intrusive thoughts have gotten really bad lately. I had to leave work early to just take a drive so I could work it out (a.k.a. crying and screaming in my car while blasting sad/feel good music on the freeway). So I gotta make sure I'm not doing this because they make me feel good, not because someone told me that's how I'm supposed to engage/enjoy the website/app.

I like. Have to figure out how to use tumblr again. I only remember the sensation of trepidation and literal stress entering my body when constructing a post (spoiler alert: I'm feeling that rn 😀)

I have no idea what the customs or etiquette even are anymore.

*boils more water for tea before curling up in bed to dissociate for half an hour*

....anyways I got a cat-

#bloggin #his name is rowan

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-so anyways, I am in fact:

✨️🌠MENTALLY UNSTABLE🌠✨️

and I'm back to scream into the void ✨️🤘✨️

#bloggin

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The following is mental breakdown I no longer wish to be reminded of 🫠

You know, when I do remember that I have a tumblr, I usually have a separate blog that I wrote on ever few months. That is, when I remember that I have. it but you know what, fuck it.

Hello. I'm the coward who cant talk to anyone. Just found wildly kind then vile messages in my inbox after not checking for months. Tried to reach out to someone else who wanted nothing to do with me, but I guess that's warranted. So I'm currently feeling like a unlovable piece of shit. Just a human to human thing, ya know. Just in case you were wondering. (But I'm sure you already knew that I'm a peice of shit so, moving on)

Oh but yeah!!! You wanna know how my life has been going??? ok ok well uh still 🌠suicidal and off my meds🌠 havent talked to a therapist in over a year because my insurance suddenly cancelled! Well why not just reschedule with ur new insurance?? Well, other than the fact that I will have to cycle through strangers and go through the whole process of unpacking my trauma and self depracation is an incredibly exhausting process, I work at a brain dead job that makes me forget what day of the week it is. so these past 3 years have felt like an unending painful blur!

Oh, I'm also living with both of my disabled parents who are a constant reminder of what a disappointment I am! They're not getting younger, just older and filled with pinched nerves that might paralyze them at any moment! Yes, both of them!

Oh oh, but what about my older sister? My one and only confidant I could tell anything to? Oh yeah, shess currently in a psych ward because she believes that there are voices in her head that are coming from the devil telling her the secrets on the universe!

And I feel paralyzed because I dont know what to do. On the one hand I can just smile and pretend everything is fine while working 40+ hours a week for minimum wage job that doesn't value me so I can pay off my debt. Or I could kill myself BUT THATS NOT AN OPTION! No, because even talking about it is so unfair, because by hurting myself I cause more harm than good and that is just so fucking frustrating.

What, do I just leave my family devastated that their youngest killed themselves after finding that that their oldest is experiencing hallucinations and delusions of grandeur? Do I just ignore all the emotional labor my friends have invested in me, probably also sending them spiraling in their already terrible mental health?

Am I supposed to keep relying on the two friends that I have left time and time again until they eventually leave me like the rest on my three partners did?

Arent I supposed to be taking this time to reflect on what messages these people left for me in order to make me a better person?

Okay okay!! let's reveiw. Hers what you need to know naomi:

Lesson 1: dont ever talk about serious things through text! You never know if someone is lying right through their teeth on how they actually feel about you. Turns out, you might not ever know how to actually communicate how you're feeling, ever! That's why she always kept telling you that she hated your fucking guts!! Its becaue you so emotionally immature and stunted so how could she ever want to associate with someone like you!? You will never be anything more than that, no matter how many times she says she forgives you and sees you as a person! You're not! You are lower that dirt! she was right about you, you socipath! You are an unsympathetic peice of shit!

Lesson 2: maybe learn to actually be completely self reliant for once instead of taking advantage of people's love and kindness again and again you stupid peice of garbage! That's why she left you! She couldnt stand that you made her feel like an after thought and only ever thought about yourself! Did you ever actually try to become a better person? Or did you just need someone else to hold your hand as you took baby steps towards being a barely decent human being? You selfish fucking bitch! You never did anything to make her feel loved! So why would she continue to do so for you?

Lesson 3: dont date coworkers! Even if they say that they will change and stop drinking and verbally degrading you! They might get drunk and aggressive and then sexually assault you at work, forcing you to stay quiet and participate, otherwise you might get fired! Turns out, even after reporting what happened, you still get a write up, even after bursting into tears explaining why you couldnt just leave your managers office for over 15 minutes! She will never contact you again and will never apologize for leaving mental scars that will take years to heal!!! But guess what heres a secret.

YOU. FUCKING. DESERVED. IT.

So that's how I'm fucking doing in case you were wondering. I cant even fucking kill myself because I'm waiting for a psychologist to call me and tell me about all the ways that I'm broken.

You're right. I dont deserve to be here. I dont want to be here anymore. I fucking hate it here.

I'm staying off of tumblr. I'm getting help, but right now I am not doing well at all. So everyone just fuck off.

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If you take a magnet along the bottom of the river you pull up all sorts of garbage

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hes gay

hes stupid

and hes coming to a theater near you

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being ace isnt tragic or weird, being ace doesnt mean you're "missing out" on anything. being ace/realizing im ace is probably the best thing thats ever happened to me

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Shout out to Eric Andre