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cinnamon-notes · 5 months

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addressing the highlights of my 2023 (you read it 2023, i read it the only year – since i was able to understand feelings and actually write – i didn't keep a diary/journal because of ✨ex✨ so do know that this thing im doing is quite important to me, someone who's always journaled about their feelings for 15 years but because of an abusive partner and a toxic relationship couldn't have their solo time or their privacy and now can't remember anymore what they went through for the past twelve months... this is me dis-dissociating, this is me healing)

january: i have no recollection of this month. literally nothing at all. not even pictures on my phone.

february: same as january. i don't know what happened. maybe i just got absorbed by my ex (very likely)

march: i did a job interview for a position that i dreamed about, but i didn't get it. this made me sad because i was a college dropout and i couldn't even get myself a job. so i signed myself up for some classes that'd get me a job. my ex started cheating on me. i fell back into sh. i was so suicidal. she'd never admit it to me although i knew it, and she'd always act very abusive. as for now i wonder why i didn't end things, but i do realize she was just so abusive that i couldn't see it, so it was completely okay if i had no more friends or family around because she'd made me cut them off, which was fine btw because i didn't need anyone but her, right? (spoiler: wrong)

april: things got slightly better with my ex but she kept having abusive behaviors. i had the worst fight of my life with my father. it was about the relationship that i was having. i didn't listen to him because he's very homophobic so he wasn't really accepting of my relationship, and i thought he was gonna say things based on his homophobia, so i didn't listen. plus, my ex brainwashed me into genuinely believing that whatever other people said from the outside of our relationship, it was fake and they couldn't know and couldn't tell, because they weren't experiencing it.

may: i got a job interview for a job i wasn't considering at all. i later got the job and it turned out to be way better than the one i had applied for in march. some friends from my high school years showed up back in my life telling me they couldn't understand why i ghosted them, and they would've wanted to stay friends. so i met those friends, we had very intense individual talks. they didn't give up on me. they decided they wanted to stay. they've actually wanted to stay the whole time, even when i cut them off, they just didn't want to sound disrespectful to my decision to stop being their friend. little did they know i never wanted that, my ex did. so we started being friends again. also, i met a girl at my job interview and i started being friends with her, she's so fun and she's my bestie now. my ex got jealous and felt threatened by all of it. she abruptly broke up with me to be with someone else (the one i'd known the entire time she was cheating on me with, and she knew i knew). i started living alone. i took up smoking daily. i took up drinking as a coping mechanism. i was way more suicidal and it was fucking scary to live alone like that. but im here writing this, which means i made it! i survived it!

june: i started going on trips and activities because i just couldn't be alone, it was dangerous for me to be alone. i couldn't even be alone the moment before falling asleep, so i'd just drink myself to sleep to help me survive at night. it was bad but i met some sweet people on those events. many of them, i don't talk to every day or don't talk at all now, but i had a good time, it was part of the healing process.

july: went camping with my friends. i started having feelings for someone (i'd later realize i wasn't attracted to them, there just was something in them that i appreciated and wished i had it too, so i was just looking up to them, which helped). one of my friends from high school took me to a concert, a local band was playing and i knew that band and i didn't wanna go because i used to listen to them with my ex and there was a specific song of theirs that we claimed our song. and they played it that night too, and my friend just suggested we'd both scream the lyrics on top of our lungs and have fun because that song is a good one and i don't deserve to have it ruined by some mean toxic girl. so we did! i worked on my cooking skills because i thought i'd deserve to treat myself right and indulge in acts of service for myself.

august: went to my parents' for a little while. my parents came over to my place, too. i was safe and no longer a danger to myself. got back into movies. improved instrument-playing skills.

september: got a car. started regularly going to thrift stores. i got another important friend from my past back into my life, i'd missed her so much when i was dating my ex. she is so precious i can't believe i had cut her off too. had a very small group of friends around me but we hung out a lot and had a lot of fun. we went to many concerts.

october: so fucking busy month work-wise. i got back into writing poetry (still not fully back as i used to but it's something, it's a start. i missed it a lot). went on tons of solo dates that started healing my soul and improving my self esteem. drove a lot. improved my driving skills and got over my driving fears

november: started sending letters to family and friends to keep up with their life cuz i'm a bad bad texter and i tend to ghost people in text messages but i didn't want this to happen so i took up this way to bypass this risk. decided i'll get a kitten when i move to a bigger apartment and have a long-term job contract. phone addiction got WAY worse :c

december: quit smoking. started going on solo concerts because i realized i don't need a date or someone to go with me to prevent me from enjoying some live music from an artist i like. set healthy boundaries with family. managed to deal with it. reunited healthily with them. told one of my friends i love her, because she deserves to know it and i never tell her

#cinnamon notes

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puttingthepotinhoneypot · 1 year

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Updates

Hey y'all! I'm going to be extremely busy this summer so I won't be available to post very often, so I apologize in advance for that.

Updates on my life! My boyfriend and I broke up (more on that in a sec), my sister turned 5 (!!!), I completed all of my exams and classes with straight As, and I started planning for my summer job!

So as you all may know, I started this account because my now ex boyfriend made an account. I haven't posted a lot since then, but we were together about 3 months before we mutually (ish) agreed to end things. I am not coming on here to disparage him or to spread rumours or anything like that. I will be documenting my grief and coping skills as I navigate this territory. It has only been about a week since we broke up, and I've tried to take that time to be with myself and my family before going too public about this. I still care about him very much, and I do love him, however unrequited it may be. I will *not* allow anyone to talk bad about him or attack him around me. He is a good person, and he was very good to me. I don't believe he was ready for a relationship at this point in time, and while it sucks that it took this long to end things, I don't blame him. Healing is not linear at all. There are some days where it's like nothing changed, and he's just my best friend again. Other days, I just cry all day and can't even bring myself to eat (this caused me to become so malnourished I needed emergency care at one point). Even other days, I find myself getting angry about how he can be doing so well without me and with himself. Often, the days where I am angry I tend to write out my feelings in a server with just my friends in it and just let myself get out those thoughts I have. But through all of this, no matter how I'm feeling, I care about him. And I still see the light that radiated off of him the day I first met him. I wish I could turn back the clock, take back what I said, and just remain what we were, close friends with some building romantic tension. But I can't change the past. All I can do is focus on the future. I will likely post on here when I can about how I'm feeling, and I'd appreciate it if you guys would take things as simply an expression of my emotions, and not reply to it or this part of this post. Again, I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANYONE ATTACKING HIM. That applies to everyone.

Now onto the more uplifting stuff! For those of you who may know me irl, you may know that I was hospitalized for a month earlier this year and have struggled to get my grades up since then. I am proud to say that despite the major setback I had, I have managed to get all 8 of my classes up to an A for the year! This was necessary, as I have to leave before finals for my summer job. This job is in another state with no internet or ways of contacting the outside world. It's just us and the wilderness. I am working there for yet another summer, this time for 5 weeks in a row! Again, I will have no outside contact, so I will update you all when I am back, which is around July 18th. Shortly after I return I will be heading to another program I am attending at a nearby college for a few days. I am doing many things this summer, most notably visiting my family in Mexico! Unfortunately I will have to be on the beach for said visit (I have intense thassalophobia) but I can cope with that as long as there are museums around for me to visit! I will be there until right before my return for the fall semester at my school. Next year I will be taking 9 classes, 2 online, so I will likely remain too busy to post much. But I will do my best to keep updating to keep you all entertained!

Extra fun news! I have begun deciding what steps I will be taking in my medical transition (FTM). I have decided exactly what type of top surgery I want as well as other medications and body mods I want, and I have begun contacting gender clinics in my area to begin taking Testosterone! The only thing I have left to decide is what type, if any, bottom surgery I plan on having. I consider myself to be a pretty open book, so I will keep you all updated on that and I will gladly answer any questions you may have (just please try to keep them respectful and use my name and pronouns)! As I go through more of these transitional changes, I will tell you all of the lovely details (without too much gore haha).

That's about it for now! I've gotten more driving experience but other than that, not many life changes! Again, I will not accept anyone attacking my ex, and if you wish to ask questions about said breakup, please use direct messaging rather than leaving comments on a public forum such as this. Thank you all! I love you guys very much.

#breakup #tw disordered eating #tw #trans man #single #summer #love

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aitian · 2 years

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Wed, July 27th 3:27am

What’s on my mind tonight is loneliness. I just moved into a new place that is fresh & scary, I don’t know my neighbors or my town, & I have no safety net here. I can’t wait for Em to come live with us. It feels so overwhelming to be here alone with Emmy, figuring out my new job offers, & thinking about the next few months.

I know I skipped a lot in the middle, but I will try my best to trace what has happened since December. I spent winter break at home feeling lighter than I had for a long time. Fall semester really was nourishing, & I was looking forward to a new kind of relationship with Emmy. The last bit of January and all of February were a blur as the two of us were traveling & performing, & discovering a lot of new things. I wish I had a better memory of what we did & talked about but I think I have been feeling really overwhelmed in many ways this year by the changes going on in my life and the part of my brain that comprehends and reflects on things is shot. During this time, I was anxious about grad school applications and reconciling my obligations in my final semester at school. I decided to take a really minimal course load, and reconnected with prof Solomon who was really generous about writing me a recommendation at the last minute. March and April were honestly torture. I had a really difficult time fighting evil at school, finishing my thesis, receiving terrible news from graduate programs, and applying for shit jobs. It was really demeaning and soul-crushing. I remember feeling lonely sometimes, feeling that Emmy was my only support in my daily life and that it was not enough. I felt like my emotions were not given respect and space to find resolution. Things like fear, grief, anxiety, and frustration were really eating at my core. At the same time, I was still creating really fulfilling spaces for myself. I took my queer kids on a journey that ended in a really wonderful talent show in April. By the time the show happened, I was already so tired and over it though, and I wish that I performed better. I think it was really awesome to be an older sibling to these cute peers though and I hope they come visit me this year.

In May we graduated, and it was hard to say at the time, but I do think I felt a sense of pride for having lived through more of my life that I thought was possible. I was really dependent on Emmy in the last weeks of school. Sometimes it feels like they are really emotionally intuiting and can understand what I feel to a surprising degree, and other times I feel like I am with someone who is cute & irreverent. I’m still a kid too and I guess that’s where we have trouble taking care of each other sometimes. I think Emmy has been living without emotional support in many ways for a long time now though, and I have to take the lead in setting aside time for us to heal. I think this is one of the reasons I feel lonely these days, and I don’t wanna say anything because I don’t want Emmy to feel like I’m weak or disappointing more than I already am. That’s messed up, and I will come back to it. When it came time to graduate, I was ready to leave and also really grieving my potential futures. I had nothing up my sleeve and no prospects at all. My job applications were all failures, I was feeling deeply scammed by doctoral programs, and I felt ashamed to be more lost than ever about my path forward after spending four years preparing for this time. I carried these feelings with me at graduation, while feeling ambivalence toward my school and my peers for being the toxic muck that I waded through for so long, and feeling relieved and proud and complicated to celebrate the moments with my parents and Emmy. I wish I was more excited about the time so that mom could have felt the excitement and fulfillment of her journey too. I do have fond memories of graduation. Not the things that were said or the crowds that were there, but of the sun and the trees and the buildings on campus that let me enjoy the weather outside. Commencement took forever, and by the time I had sat in the hot sun for long enough, there was still more than half to go. When I fall got fed up, Emmy and I walked out from the crowd to get some cold water at the side of College Walk, and stood around sipping in the shade. It was one of our last moments together, and I felt so at peace to be there together. Suddenly, the event was over. We walked off college walk toward Amsterdam to get away from the rush of people leaving the plaza, and I realized it was my last chance to be alone with Emmy. We would see Emma together after I packed up my room before I would drive home with my family, but that moment was really when we would say bye. Holding hands and standing under a pillar near the gates, I started crying. It wasn’t just because I was sad to leave. I was happy to be there with Emmy, I was deeply regretful of the futures that were foreclosed, I was upset and frustrated toward myself and the cruel ways that folks I wished I could trust would treat me in a cruel system, I desperately needed a job so that we could be together, I missed my mom and wanted to be a better child, I was sad that I had wasted so much time at school while knowing that it had not been a waste at all either. These were just some of the feelings that I could not have explained in the moment. I just saw Emmy’s face under the mask & felt their hands & the words & silences we shared, & wanted to cry. I felt so alone, and so held, and so afraid, and so loved.

I spent the rest of the summer looking for jobs and housing while being at home. I saw Adele and Erica and Tracy a little bit. I was really frustrated at dad. I went to many places with mom, most notably a trip to finger lakes. I was drinking every evening to relieve the anxiety that I felt. In may I was still lost, slowly thinking that my higher ed experience was probably most conducive to getting some kind of job in education, and started applying to teaching jobs at private schools where I did not need teacher certification. By mid-June, I realized that New Jersey certification was something that I could possibly accomplish, and just blindly moved forward with taking the praxis exam and applying for certification and jobs. I went on a camping trip with Alice, Emmy, Eony, and Em in June too that was pretty neat. I wish I had spent more time individually with every one of them, but being together was nice, and everyone was so goofy and smart and resourceful. In July, I came to found housing in NJ. I had schedules three tours for Saturday, and would spend the weekend at Emmy’s house. We did not get the beautiful apartment we applied for, but the realtor was really nice and helped us find the place I am sitting in right now. Emmy went to see some houses with her the next week, and we decided to move forward. Right after I got back from NJ, I started sending out applications for public school teaching jobs, and heard back from many places. I had six interviews the next week, and the week after I got two job offers. At the end of that week, I was moving into this house.

84 Bentley is owned by some Korean folks who Emmy says used to be restaurant owners. The house was built in 1900 according to online sources, and it really is old. It was so hot over the weekend, I was having doubts about whether this place could really be okay, but today things have cooled down and I am feeling better. We got a cute glass table from a thrift store and some chairs from ikea, and em is going to bring a couch when they come.

I was having a bad day today because the school I’m hoping to work at, Hackensack, had the July board meeting yesterday and my name was not on the personnel agenda. The administrators who interviewed me seemed really eager to have me teach, and they offered me the job on the spot after my second interview but I began to doubt whether I was too naive to trust them. I emailed yesterday, but they did not get back to me until late afternoon today that the teacher whose position I will fill was just resigned in the board meeting yesterday so I would be hired on the august agenda. I was feeling so lonely and afraid last night. Life is so long and scary. That I know to be true. Life is many other things too. I don’t want to struggle and feel overwhelmed and scared. I really need my loved ones to come together and hold it down for me

Highlights from the past few days

Halo halo from the shop down the block with Emmy

Lincoln park in the evening at the big fountain, sitting next to all the south asian families

Finding a beautiful little glass table at the thrift store and nice chairs at ikea

Moments alone at night to eat and relax

There’s so much to clean in the house still and I just don’t really have much energy for it. I’m feeling anxious about driving to work, parking the car, living in an unfamiliar place, starting a new job, returning to a scary public school system, meeting new people, being away from family & loved ones, and moving forward toward the rest of my life.

So here is the prayer tonight: Please let there be peace. Please let me breathe deeply and rest easy. Please guide me with compassion and let me grow from my feelings. Please protect me and my loved ones. Please prevent all from harming us and let us build paths toward each other. I offer my thoughts and feelings with gratitude for the present, past, and future.

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the-pen-and-the-stethoscope · 2 years

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PGY-3

Okay! Here’s that previously hinted at update (month by month) of my third year of residency! Sorry not sorry it’s so long!

July: Became a third year! Got to do a bunch of OB! GOT TO DO MY FIRST C-SECTION AS A PRIMARY! Applied to a million fellowships. Met a boy...

August: Whirlwind romance. That’s legit all I remember from this month. I know I was also on inpatient but that was kinda background noise to the personal growth I was going through (and it was growth...shout out to my fave podcast, Girls Gotta Eat!).

September: Went to my best friend’s wedding and got blindsided by the boy breaking up with me (though I guess now I can say I’ve had a true summer fling) and did a bunch of fellowship interviews. And I’m sure I also went to work at some point...

October: Peds ED month. Still hate the ED. Had my sister come visit for a weekend with an amazing fall themed photoshoot. By the end of the month I would say it had become clear that I wasn’t going to be getting any fellowships. It was really tough to feel like the one thing I’d been working on for the last three years wasn’t going to come to fruition. I cried a lot. I thought a lot about what to do instead. I talked with a lot of mentors about where to go from here.

November: Applied for dream job. Literally the job that I feel that I have been working towards ever since I decided I wanted to do family medicine. And they were really excited about me!

December: Another inpatient month. Interviewed at dream job. Started to realize it may not be as good of a fit as I was hoping. Went home for Christmas. Worked NYE and delivered the first new years baby of 2022!

January: Started looking at other possible jobs. Became increasingly frustrated day by day with the recruiter associated with dream job. Found a really random opportunity in the middle of nowhere in a state I never thought I’d move to that would teach me how to do c-sections. Went to interview there. FELL IN LOVE. New dream job. Conflicted, conflicted, conflicted over what to do. Also reconnected with old attending from med school and applied to work at his clinic as well.

February: I ACCEPTED A JOB!!!!! After weeks of deliberation I went with NEW DREAM JOB IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE BECAUSE IT FELT RIGHT! In the end I’m going to do full spectrum family medicine in a rural town at a critical access hospital with mostly outpatient, some inpatient medicine and peds and a ton of OB and on top of it all I’m going to learn how to do c-sections. And also make a fuck ton of money. Like an insane amount. Like crazy bonkers amount. Like they def made a mistake but it’s too late now.

March: Studied for boards and studied some more and shit hit the fan multiple times in terms of people calling out from work (at one point we had seven people out at once...we’d run out of people to cover things) and one time I got woken up at 1:30 am for one of these call out issues and after that I fled to Florida to...study some more!

April: ugh. worst month ever.

As a fun backdrop, I was on our inpatient service this month. We had some really really sick people and some very difficult people who kept leaving the hospital on us despite continuing to also keep coming back and some really sad people who literally had nowhere to go.

The first weekend of the month my cat died. It was sudden and unexpected. I was (still am) completely torn up about it. She was my companion throughout all of COVID. Even though she was getting old, I still thought I’d be bringing her on my next adventure with me. Every time I open my apartment door and she isn’t there to great me I die a little inside.

Less than twelve hours later...my residency best friend’s dad died. It was sudden and unexpected. She called me while I was still in bed listening to grand rounds on a Monday morning. Sobbing. The next week was a complete blur. Mostly the two of us just sitting in grief together.

I took boards. (OH YEAH...in the middle of all this I was still studying for boards!) Once they were behind me I thought that everything would get better. I even had a vacation lined up the first week of May to fully decompress and relax.

Then I got COVID. Guys, I know it is hard to believe but I had not gotten COVID yet. Not even like an asymptomatic carrier. I tested weekly this winter and never had a positive result. When I saw the positive last weekend I broke down. I was terrified about how it would affect me, devastated about not being able to finish my month up with the team or go on my much much MUCH NEEDED vacation, guilty about maybe exposing others, and just feeling so terrible all around. In the end, it hasn’t been that bad physically, but mentally it has really been difficult. I feel even more scared about going out in the world (after being super cautious for so long and not even doing much of anything the week before and still getting COVID??? How could I ever go back to normal again?) and just unimaginable shame about actually getting sick. All stuff that I know is just not actually based in reality...but I feel it nonetheless.

And soooo here we are! I cancelled my actual vacation and am now finishing up my quarantine at my parents house and then probably going to go to attending town (eek!) to look at houses (EEEK!) at the end of next week. Not all is lost. But it was a pretty shitty month.

Oh...but I did pass boards :)

#medblr #pgy3 #residency #I think i'm almost an attending #medblr update #that actually wasn't as long as i thought it would be #mostly because I wrote the April bit first #and the rest is so far away now it's like oh not that much happened

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callsign-joyride · 2 years

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Your Love | Steve Harrington

Plot: It's the fourth of July, shortly after The Battle of Starcourt, and your boyfriend shows up at your house at the edge of town. All he wants is comfort.

Pairing: Steve Harrington x reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 980

A/N: My first x reader fanfic! I tried, but this will take some getting used to because I'm not used to writing in second person.

Your parents left Hawkins to spend the week leading up to their anniversary in New York, and that week just so happened to be the week of July 4th. It was surprising that they left you at the house alone, because you lived at the edge of town and everything was a twenty minute or longer commute. Of course you had been to the Starcourt Mall a few times to hang out with Steve and the kids, but it wasn’t a daily thing.

You hadn’t heard from Steve in days, and it was worrying. One of the few things that prevented you from worrying for too long was reading. With the radio in the family room playing at a soft level, you laid on the couch and opened your copy of Fahrenheit 451 to resume your reading. You could faintly hear fireworks going off, but it was most likely your neighbors because you weren’t very close to the fairgrounds.

The doorbell ringing was what interrupted you from your reading. The clock on the stove read 1:36, and you were surprised that you had been reading for over three hours and you didn’t start to fall asleep. When you opened the door, you were surprised to see Steve standing there. He was bloodied and bruised, and he was clearly upset about something, so you grabbed his hand and pulled him inside.

“What happened?” You asked. Steve looked at you and he started to cry. Without thinking twice, you pulled him in for a hug and guided him to your room. He winced as you applied rubbing alcohol to his wounds. The process took about ten minutes, and after you were done throwing cotton balls and bandage wrappers away, you sat next to Steve on your bed.

The room was quiet as you looked at your closed curtains. In a swift motion, Steve wrapped his arms around you and you were both lying down. You were still trying to figure out what happened, but he wasn’t saying much.

“I just want to be here with you. Just like this.”

“Why are you still in your Scoops uniform?”

“Listen, it’s been a rough few days. When was the last time you went to the mall?”

“Last week. Why? Did something happen?”

“Uh, well, you know the whole thing with Will and the Mind Flayer stuff?”

You nodded your head. You knew about all of those things while they were happening because you were close friends with Jonathan. The things that happened the week after Will went missing were pretty unbelievable, but you didn’t really have a choice but to believe them. You were at the middle school when the kids decided to try using sensory deprivation on Eleven to find Will. You were with Steve and the kids when you saw the Demodogs. As Steve told you about what happened at the mall, you were terrified. After Eleven closed the gate months prior, it seemed like everything would go back to normal. Nothing was as it seemed in Hawkins anymore.

Steve cried into your shoulder, and you eventually fell asleep like that. You woke up to the sunlight coming through your window, and it was a battle to get Steve to get up and change out of his uniform with the change of clothes that he always had at your house. Something told you that no one was going anywhere, so you and Steve spent the day inside, watching some of the movies that you had on VHS.

You were making dinner and dancing when the phone rang. When you answered it, Dustin was on the other end asking for Steve. They talked for almost half an hour about the events of the night before, and the phone call ended by the time you were done making dinner. When you saw Steve smile for the first time in who knows how long, your heart melted. And it was over Salisbury steaks and mashed potatoes - one of your favorite dishes to make.

He didn’t want to leave your house. The weather was nice, but without the mall, it felt like there was nothing to do. Not to mention the fact that nearly everyone in the friend group was taking their time to recover from what had happened at the mall. Your parents came home from vacation in the middle of July. Live Aid had already happened at that point, and the best part was watching the concert with Steve.

After your parents found out that Steve had been at your house for nearly two weeks, they wanted him to leave. They were mostly concerned that his parents went a while without knowing his whereabouts. Hearing your parents say that made you question if they even knew who his parents were. You walked to the car with Steve and stood in front of him as he leaned against the driver’s side door.

“I don’t want you to leave,” you said.

“It’s okay. I’ll sneak in like I always do.”

You chuckled.

“You won’t be able to sneak in if you get caught. Like that one time you almost did over spring break.”

“Okay, in my defense, you never told me when your parents were coming home.”

The two of you continued the light-hearted banter until your mom opened the screen door and yelled for you to be back inside.

“Hey, thanks. For everything. I’m glad you’re here,” Steve said as he held your hand. You could’ve cried on the spot.

“Yeah, it’s no problem. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

The two of you shared a quick kiss and you started to head back inside as Steve started his car. It didn’t surprise you, but it did surprise some people, that even after all of the craziness that had happened in the town, you and Steve were madly in love with each other.

#steve harrington #stranger things #stranger things 3 #reader insert #starcourt #x reader

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nicknellie · 3 years

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@julie-n-phantoms requested: I saw this really cute idea once, about Willie having a whole bunch of different fun flavored chapsticks and making Alex guess what they were when they kissed. So maybe that, and Willie just keeps using it as an excuse to kiss Alex at the most random times and poor Alex keeps bluescreening?

This is so cute omg I love it! It ended up kind of short because I’m extremely tired and haven’t written Willex in a while, but I’m still very happy with how it turned out. Thank you for the request and sorry it’s taken me so long to get round to it, I hope you enjoy! Title from I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry (ofc lmao).

The Taste of His Cherry Chapstick

Not for the first time, Alex found himself questioning exactly how the rules around ghosts worked. He had been a ghost for quite some time now and he kept thinking that he should really have these things figured out, but being dead was a lot trickier than it seemed. Alex could sit on chairs, but he could also walk right through them; he could change his clothes, but he still hadn’t figured out how his clothes became invisible to lifers just like he was; he didn’t have a body, but he could still get hurt (he had Caleb to thank for cluing him in on that one). He had long ago accepted that the rules of being a ghost would always be hazy and muddled and that sometimes he would just have to get on with it, but every now and then something would happen and it would totally stump him.

Like right now. Willie was putting chapstick on and Alex was simply could not wrap his head around it.

“Why do you need to do that?” he asked Willie, breaking the soft silence between them. They were sat in the studio on the sofa together, Willie with his legs casually crossed over Alex’s lap, lying back as he applied the chapstick.

Willie shrugged easily, popping the cap back on and slipping it into his pocket. (Pockets were another ghost thing Alex didn’t understand and he might have spiralled into that a little more if he hadn’t been so fixated on the chapstick.)

“Stops my lips getting chapped,” Willie said. “It’s kinda in the name.”

“Yeah, I know that,” Alex replied, “but you’re a ghost. Can your lips even get chapped?”

“Yeah, that’s why I bought the chapstick,” Willie explained, meeting Alex’s bewildered look with an amused smirk. “That and the fact that it’s a nice flavour. Do you want to test it?”

Alex shook his head violently. “Absolutely not. I don’t trust it. How can we still use it even when we’re dead? There are some things that should not cross the line between life and the afterlife, and this is one of them.”

Willie giggled. “Alex, it’s literally just chapstick.”

“I know that. I’m not using it.”

Willie rolled his eyes affectionately, but then the amused smirk he’d had on his face morphed into something much more mischievous. Alex knew that look – it meant Willie had got an idea and there was absolutely no way of telling whether or not it was a good one.

“Well,” Willie said slowly, sitting up and shuffling so that he could properly look Alex in the eye, “there’s more than one way you could try it out.”

“How?” Alex asked sceptically.

Willie’s only response was to lean forward, that devilishly cute little smirk still on his face, and press a sweet, chaste kiss to Alex’s lips. It took Alex by surprise and was over before he could even kiss Willie back as Willie pulled away with a soft, self-satisfied smile. Alex, meanwhile, was still struggling to process what had happened. It wasn’t like he and Willie had never kissed before, but the fact that he hadn’t been expecting it combined with how brief it was and how happy Willie looked to have solved the chapstick issue meant that his mind was lagging a little as it tried to catch up. It did not help that Willie was beaming at him, looking effortlessly adorable.

“So?” Willie prompted after Alex had been silently staring at him with his mouth open in shock for almost a minute. “What flavour do you think it is? Do you like it?”

Alex dragged his mind back down from where it had been launched into the heavens. He reminded himself that he was here, with Willie in the studio, that conversations only worked if both people were talking, that staring was rude, and that there had in fact been a point to the kiss. He cleared his throat, trying to school his features back to neutrality but knowing he failed when Willie giggled, and then licked his lips.

“Um… is it cherry?” he guessed. His mind was still a little foggy and more focused on the fact that Willie had kissed him rather than what flavour the chapstick was.

Willie grinned, digging the chapstick out of his pocket again and showing Alex the label on the tube. “Yeah, man! You’re right, great job!”

As Willie settled back into his original position with his legs kicked over Alex’s lap, Alex pushed his momentary panic out of his mind and tried to be normal again. He had thought it would be a one-off, that one kiss and his one guess, and that would be the end of it. But apparently, Willie had other ideas because it just kept happening over and over again.

The second time it happened was in the middle of the night. Willie had got the bright idea of going to the museum at midnight to see all the art and exhibits in the dark. It had turned out to be an amazing idea – the low light gave every painting and sculpture a completely different energy, some more sinister, others infinitely more sad, some seeming so different to how they were during the day that it would have been hard to tell they were the same piece of art at all. Alex followed Willie around the museum with an affectionate smile on his face the whole time, a loving warmth in his chest as he listened to Willie talk about all the art and what it meant and who made it. It was always endearing whenever Willie talked about art; his passion and enthusiasm and the way his face positively lit up was enough to make Alex fall in love a thousand times over.

It was going so well and Alex felt unbelievably lucky that he got to be the one there with Willie. But then Willie stopped talking for a moment and Alex watched him reach into his pocket and pull out his chapstick. He couldn’t help the way his mind wandered to the last time this had happened, when Willie had pressed that one gentle kiss to his lips and backed away. When he saw Willie’s eyes light up, he knew he was thinking of the same thing.

“Want to try?” Willie asked. It was an innocent enough question, but they both heard the implication behind it – Willie was asking for another kiss.

Alex loved kissing Willie, but it still made him nervous every time, mostly because he couldn’t believe someone as incredible as Willie would actually want to kiss him. So momentarily, his nerves caught up with him and he couldn’t reply to Willie, not with words at least. He gave a quick nod before swallowing his nerves and cupping Willie’s jaw to pull him into a kiss.

He made sure this one lasted longer than the other, but it still wasn’t more than a few seconds. Alex tried not to pout when Willie pulled away, but smiled to himself when Willie rested their foreheads together.

“What flavour do you think it was?” Willie asked quietly.

Oh yeah, that was what Alex was meant to be figuring out. Well, he didn’t think he could really be blamed for forgetting that detail when just a moment ago he’d been kissing the love of his afterlife. Again, his mind took a ridiculous amount of time to get past the excitement and giddiness of the kiss and actually focus on the question he’d been asked.

“Is that cola?” he asked after a minute or two.

Willie dropped a feather-light kiss to the tip of Alex’s nose (and Alex was not too proud to admit it made him go slightly weak in the knees) and then pulled back with a smile. “You’re two for two. You’re getting good at this game, hotdog.”

“We’ll have to keep playing so I can get even better,” Alex replied. It might have been smooth if not for the fact that he was blushing so profusely that he could literally feel the heat in his face, and his voice was a little pitchy with a cruel mixture of nerves and the awkwardness that came with not being very good at flirting.

Willie didn’t mention it though. He just smiled softly, squeezed Alex’s hand, and said in a low voice, “Oh, we’re definitely going to keep playing.”

The third time it happened, Alex wasn’t expecting it at all. Half because they weren’t alone, and half because he hadn’t seen Willie put the chapstick on.

Julie and the Phantoms had just wrapped up a gig. Flynn had hired them to play at her birthday party (well, less ‘hired them’ and more the fact that the boys had wanted to give her a birthday present but they were all ghosts which made things like that very difficult, so they and Julie had offered to provide live music at her party instead) and it had gone brilliantly. Not only was the crowd enormous because Flynn had invited practically the whole school – which meant the band would get tons of exposure – but they had clearly been loving the music too. They were easily the best crowd the band had ever played too.

But maybe Alex was biased – he tended to say every crowd was the best crowd just as long as Willie was in it.

Willie and Flynn hadn’t actually met because they were yet to find a way of making Willie visible to lifers, but Flynn had heard enough stories about “Alex’s super cool skateboarder ghost boyfriend” to know that he could be counted as a friend, so he had been invited. As always, Alex had sought him out in the crowd and played like he was only playing to Willie. That was always when he performed his best.

When they finally finished their set and headed into the makeshift backstage area (which was really just Flynn’s bedroom), Alex barely had time to register what was going on as Willie came running into the room, grabbed Alex’s face and pressed a hard kiss to his lips. Alex distantly registered a few cheers from his friends, but he was too distracted to bother telling them off. All that mattered was the fact that Willie was kissing him and it was even more of a rush than the performance had been.

When they finally pulled away, Willie breathed, “You killed it up there! I swear, I’ll never get tired of hearing you guys play. I’m proud of you.”

“If you’re proud of all of us then how come only Alex gets a kiss?” Luke asked. Alex knew that he was joking, but he still bundled Willie up protectively in his arms, ignoring the way that just elicited laughter and ‘awwww’s from his friends.

“You liked it, then?” Alex asked quietly. He knew Willie always loved their performances, but it always felt amazing to hear it.

“I loved it, just like I love you,” Willie whispered back. Alex melted a little. “Did you like it?”

“Like what?” Alex asked. “The performance?”

“No,” Willie said, that sly smirk back on his face. Suddenly Alex realised what was going on, how he’d been caught off-guard. “My chapstick. Did you like the flavour?”

This one was totally unfair. Alex hadn’t know he was supposed to be thinking about the chapstick. He’d been so caught up in Willie that it had been the very last thing on his mind. Briefly, he entertained the idea of kissing Willie again to try and get another taste, but he knew if he did that he probably wouldn’t be able to stop and he wasn’t so keen to do that while his friends were still in the room, even if they weren’t paying attention anymore.

“That’s cheating!” he said. “I didn’t know we were playing.”

“You’ve gotta guess, hotdog,” Willie returned with a laugh, “those are the rules.”

“You never told me there were rules.”

“You never asked.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” he admitted reluctantly. “Was it… I don’t know. Blueberry?”

“Not even close,” Willie said. He pressed another kiss to Alex’s lips and pulled away before Alex could lose himself in it, which was disappointing but probably a good thing.

He tasted it this time, doing his best to focus on it, but it was very difficult with Willie so close and so cute. Still, the proud smile he got from Willie when he finally guessed watermelon made his restraint and effort completely worthwhile.

From then on, he learned to expect it. To look forward to it too. He went shopping with Willie to buy new multipacks of fun flavours (though shopping was another weird thing as a ghost because even though they left money on the counter it felt a lot more like shoplifting) and they continued their guessing game for months and months. But truth be told, it had started to feel less like a game and more just an excuse to kiss each other. It took another month or two for Alex to realise that had probably been Willie’s plan all along anyway – when he asked Willie about it, the laughter he was met with was more than enough answer.

But he wasn’t complaining. He got to kiss his boyfriend all he wanted, and neither of them ever got chapped lips.

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tmp-jatp · 3 years

Text

Julie really likes Frozen II

I really like Frozen II so this is me projecting hard onto Julie here we go. I just- I love Show Yourself a healthy amount, okay?

And I couldn’t keep writing my sick fic without putting all of this into words so here we go. I can’t quite state all the emotions these songs make me feel, and that they make Julie feel, but I hope I get enough across, here.

Rose died fall of 2019. Frozen II came out November 22, 2019. Julie saw it in theaters with her family.

Julie hadn’t listened to music since Mom died. But she saw Frozen when she was 9 and it had been a huge part of her childhood, so she went to watch the musical.

The first song already wrecked Julie. Mom used to sing to her like that, when she had been younger. And then the lyrics at the end got her so bad:

Where the north wind meets the sea There’s a mother full of memory Come my darling homeward bound When all is lost, then all is found

All was lost, and had been for months. How could everything be found? Nothing would ever be better. Julie couldn’t come “homeward bound”, she wished she could do something to make herself better but there was nothing.

The second song made Julie angry. Some things never change, how could they say that? Everything had changed.

Like the feel of your hand in mine. Julie would never feel Mom’s hand in hers again.

Like how we get along just fine. She’d fallen out with Carrie, too.

Julie could never “hold on tight” to Mom and vice versa.

This movie had the audacity to claim that some things never change but for Julie, nothing at all had stayed the same. Julie was angry.

Julie wasn’t really affected by the songs for most of the rest of the movie. Show Yourself was like the Let it Go of this movie and it gave Julie chills, but she didn’t quite connect emotionally with it.

And then Anna sang The Next Right Thing.

That song broke Julie.

It was exactly what Julie had been feeling for these last few months.

I’ve seen dark before, but not like this This is cold, this is empty, this is numb The life I knew is over, the lights are out Hello darkness, I’m ready to succumb

I follow you around, I always have But you’ve gone to a place I cannot find This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down

Can there be a day beyond this night? I don’t know anymore what is true I can’t find my direction, I’m all alone The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor When it’s not you I’m rising for

Julie didn’t feel strong enough to get up the way that Anna was. But, she resolved, she was strong enough to try.

She could do it. She could do the next right thing.

Julie didn’t listen to music for that entire year. Except for one song: The Next Right Thing. It became her anthem. You are lost, hope is gone, but you must go on. I won’t look too far ahead, it’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath, this next step, this next choice is one that I can make.

Julie stumbled her way towards the light. She made the choice each day to do the next right thing. And she got better, she did.

Late July of 2020, Julie watched Frozen II for the second time.

Some Things Never Change didn’t make her as angry this time, because she knew now that even though she couldn’t hold on tight to Mom anymore, she still had Dad and Carlos and Victoria and Flynn. And speaking of Flynn, Julie and Carrie might not get along just fine anymore but she still had Flynn just as much as ever. Some things did change, lots of things did change, but Julie also knew that some things really never did.

Julie cried again at The Next Right Thing, seeing it in context again.

Three boys appeared in her garage. Julie played music again, and she felt like she was home.

She watched Frozen II again. It was quickly becoming her favorite movie now that she didn’t hate the way she had the first time she watched it. Frozen II, or at least The Next Right Thing, had helped her get better.

Oh.

Come my darling homeward bound When all is lost then all is found

“Home” was music. She found herself again when she came back to music. That was the thing she’d been missing.

On the third watch-through, Julie understood finally why everyone loved Show Yourself so much. She got chills from the lyrics, and she cried by the end. She really needed to stop crying during this movie.

Elsa was singing the lyrics to herself. Without even knowing who she was singing to, she was coaxing herself out of hiding, telling herself that it was alright to be who she was. You have secrets too, but you don’t have to hide. And as the song kept going, she felt more and more free.

Something is familiar Like a dream I can reach but not quite hold I can sense you there Like a friend I’ve always known I’m arriving And it feels like I am home

Julie felt like the song’s lyrics applied in a similar profound way to her. If Julie were to sing Show Yourself, she’d be singing to herself. In a way, though, there was also a duality. If Julie were to sing Show Yourself, she would also be singing to her boys who she had so recently met but already bonded to.

Show yourself I’m dying to meet you Show yourself It’s your turn Are you the one I’ve been looking for All of my life? Show yourself I’m ready to learn

Julie hadn’t truly been able to be herself and be free before. Before Mom had died, Julie had performed. She did recitals and school concerts, but she had never felt the way that she felt when she was playing with the phantoms. She’d never felt as full and free and loose and complete as she did when she was performing now.

I’ve never felt so certain All my life I’ve been torn But I’m here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born?

Show yourself I’m no longer trembling Here I am, I’ve come so far

Julie felt that she was made for these moments she shared with her boys. Some sort of destiny had brought them to her, and they had brought her back to herself and so much more.

And then Iduna started singing to Elsa and Julie understood finally what this song had been doing to so many people for so long. Mom was singing to Julie. And Julie was singing back. Julie was singing with her.

Come my darling homeward bound I am found

Show yourself Step into your power Grow yourself Into something new

You are the one you’ve been waiting for All of your life

Julie wept. Just like when she had played Wake Up, she felt the caress of her mother again, and through the music of someone else, no less. She was strong, she was powerful, she was brave, and she would be able to keep going through whatever came her way from here on out, no matter what.

When the boys crossed over before she got the chance to say goodbye, and she ran out into the alleyway, Julie stood in the middle of the path and cried. Quietly, to herself, she sang The Next Right Thing, all the way through. She wasn’t just singing to her mother anymore, though. She was singing to her boys, too.

You’ve gone to a place I cannot find The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor When it’s not you I’m rising for

But Julie finished the song, and that woman handed her the dahlia. Julie did the next right thing. Just like Anna broke the dam all on her own without Elsa beside her, Julie would do what had to be done.

She went back in there, and she played that show.

taglist: @futurearchaeologyprof @beethovensbitxh @ace-bookworm @queenmolina @molinashimbos @star-astro @sunset-sweeerve @bluefirewrites @reggieshamster @blush-and-books @smolfangirl @thedeathdeelers @williexmercer @thesunsetcurvephantom @russsianspy @fanfics-she-wrote @pink-flame @angelofarts @chickwiththepurpleguitar

#tmp writes #this isn't even the sick fic you guys #but i do reference this stuff in the sick fic so it's sort of background for it #watch frozen 2

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bettsfic · 3 years

Text

how i got an agent, or: my writing timeline

when i started writing, i had no idea how publishing worked and i had a lot of misconceptions about it. but i just signed my first literary agent so i thought i’d share what my experience has been getting to this point, in case it helps anyone else with their own publication goals. i’m also including financial details, like submission fees and income, because “i could never afford to pursue writing as a career” is something that kept me from taking the idea seriously.

for context, i write mostly literary fiction and i’m on the academic/scholarly writing path. this process looks a lot different for other genres.

i didn’t write this in my pretty nonfiction narrative voice; it’s really just the bare-bones facts of how it went down, how long it took, how many words i wrote (both fanfiction and original fiction), and how much it all cost.

background

2002 - 2005: read a fuckton of books, wrote some fiction, wanted to be a writer but knew it would never happen, journaled every moment of my life in intimate detail

2006: started working full-time (at a chinese restaurant) while still in high school, also started taking courses for college credit; no time to write, and forgot i had ever wanted to be a writer

2007: graduated high school, started college (psych major), still worked at the restaurant, moved out of my parents’ house into an apartment with my boyfriend; my dad got diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer

2008: continued college full-time, quit the restaurant and started part-time as a bank teller, broke up with bf and moved in with a friend at an apartment where the rent was obscenely high; had to pick up a second job altering bridal gowns

2009: continued college full-time, started dating someone else, moved in with him, had to support him, took a third job as an admin assistant

2010: continued college full-time, still had 3 jobs; my dad’s cancer became terminal

2011: my dad passed away; i graduated college with a 3.9 and $31k of debt; quit 2 of 3 jobs; got promoted at the bank; my bf cheated on me and we broke up; moved back in with my mom

2012: a very dark time; also, bought a house (because where i’m from, it’s cheaper to buy than rent)

2013: discovered fandom

2014, age 24

this is the year i started writing and posting fanfic. prior to that i was a compulsive journaler but had no drive or desire to become a writer, despite how much i had written when i was a teenager. it seemed like a very childish dream. at this point i assumed writing was just a phase like all my other hobbies i’d picked up and set down.

but fandom proved to be really healthy for me, and i made some good friends who encouraged my writing and made me want to be better at it. i was really not very good at writing. i don’t think i had any natural creative talent whatsoever, or even a particularly vivid imagination. the only thing i had going for me was the ability to put thoughts into words after a decade of obsessive journaling.

i started writing in spring, and by the end of the year my total word count was 311k. i was making a decent income at the bank, insofar as my bills were covered and i had health insurance. i still had a significant amount of credit card debt from college that i was trying to pay down, and which was eating up all my extra income.

2015, age 25

i continued writing through 2015 and went to visit @aeriallon, whom i’d met in fandom and who told me i should consider applying to MFAs. i was miserable at the bank and knew i wanted to go back to school, but i didn’t think there was a chance in hell a grad program would accept me, since my writing wasn’t very good and i hadn’t so much as taken a single english class in undergrad. she told me to just look around and do a few google searches to see what i found.

when i started searching, i assumed i would probably be more compelled toward an MEd or MSW programs and go the therapy route, which is what the plan had been in undergrad before my dad died and my life got derailed. i never wanted to be a banker, but i’d got a promotion into commercial finance that paid decently, so i took it and told myself i’d work for a year before going back to school. but then i kept getting promoted and one year became many.

i ended up being more drawn to creative writing MFA programs because they seemed to want people with weird backgrounds like mine. also the classes sounded fun and the programs were funded. i didn’t know how i would be able to afford my mortgage payment or sell my house on a fraction of the income i was making at the bank, but i figured i’d apply and see what happened.

it took 6 months to get a writing sample ready to apply to MFAs. it was the only ofic story i’d written as an adult, and in retrospect i had no idea what i was doing because at that point i didn’t read literary short fiction. but i got the sample as good as i could get it and completed my applications. i applied to 6 schools and got accepted into 1.

in 2015 i wrote 250k. i can’t find my application spreadsheet from that year, but i probably spent between $300 and $400 on application fees. early in the year, i had finally managed to pay off my credit card debt and save a little bit of money.

2016, age 26

the school i got into was within driving distance of my house, so i didn’t bother moving. i tried to quit the bank but my boss convinced me to stay on 2 days a week working from home. i agreed to it, because my grad stipend wasn’t enough to cover my bills, and i was counting on what little savings i had accrued to get me through the program. i still had no drive or interest to publish. i mostly just wanted to go back to school so i could learn how to be better at this thing i really enjoyed doing.

in the MFA, as you might imagine, i had to read a lot of stuff and write a lot of stuff, and was encouraged to begin submitting some of the short stories i wrote for workshop. i was not particularly into the idea, considering it seemed like a lot of work for little reward, and also i didn’t think my stories were very good.

i also started teaching english comp. i hated it and decided that after the MFA, i never wanted to do it again. haha. hahahahahaha

in 2016 i wrote 343k. i didn’t apply/submit in 2016 so i didn’t pay any fees, but my grad stipend was $14k for the academic year, plus the income i was making at the bank.

2017, age 27

i did a complete 180 and decided i loved teaching more than anything else in the entire world, and i was willing to do whatever it took to become a teacher. i realized that to become a teacher, i needed to publish. begrudgingly i started submitting to literary journals. i also applied to summer workshops and got into tin house, which i highly recommend if that’s something you’re interested in. at tin house i met my dream agent, who seemed really interested in my work and encouraged me to query her as soon as i had a book done.

a lot of personal drama happened that year. i was still working at the bank in addition to teaching a 2/2 and taking a full course load. in summer i had a long overdue mental breakdown.

2017 was a rough year. i wrote 149k. this is the year i started keeping a dedicated expenses spreadsheet. i spent $174 in submission fees. tin house tuition with room and board was a little over $1500 + travel. i thought it was worth it because i met the agent i thought i would later sign, but that didn’t pan out. (i made some great friends though!!) tin house was definitely an unwise financial decision; i paid for it out of what little i managed to save in 2015.

2018, age 28

early in 2018, i went from teaching comp/rhet to creative writing, which only cemented my desire to teach writing as a career. i realized i was far better at teaching writing than writing, but i knew i had to keep writing to keep teaching (shocked pikachu.jpg), so i kept submitting to journals. i got my first story accepted. i didn’t receive any payment for that publication. i quit the bank early in the year (finally! after 10 years!) and was terrified about money, in part because my student loan payments were coming out of deferment and i was still paying off my hospital bills from my breakdown.

in spring semester, i won a few departmental awards (totaling $500ish) and got a second story accepted (again, no payment). i also got accepted to another workshop which i will not name because i hated it. i graduated in may and defended my thesis in july. the thesis would later become my short story collection, zucchini.

in fall, i stayed on at my school as an adjunct, and started writing training wheels which would later become an original novel called baby.

i wrote 450k in 2018. i paid $373 in submission fees. i was also nominated for an award for one of my publications but didn’t win. the workshop i went to was like $4000 with room and board (it was a month-long workshop). i got 75% of it covered with scholarships and i paid for the rest of it out of my savings, and even though i’d intended to drive there, my mom ended up buying me a plane ticket. again, i met a lot of big-wig writers i thought for sure would help me get an agent. i told myself i was networking, and that publication was all about Who You Knew. but that turned out not to be true for me.

as an adjunct i made $3200 per course, and i taught 3 classes in fall. in winter, i got my shit together and started applying for creative writing PhDs, mostly to convince my family i was doing something with my life, with no expectation that i would get in. in winter i applied to 2 schools. with application fees and the GRE, i ended up paying well over $500.

2019, age 29

in spring semester, i taught 2 classes while i revised training wheels into baby. when i had a completed manuscript, i finally pulled the plug and used all my networking contacts to get my dream agent i’d met at tin house. i queried her, and a very popular and well-regarded author i’d met at the other workshop emailed her on my behalf to tell her good things about me. i thought for sure i had it in the bag. this author also touched base with a few other agents whom he thought would like my work.

i didn’t hear back from any of them. not even a “no thanks.” i set down querying for a while.

i got a third story picked up and published around this time, and i was paid $25 for it. they also nominated me for an award, and i don’t think i won? but i can’t find out who did win so idk.

my grandpa passed away and i decided to sell my house and move in with my grandma so she wouldn’t be alone. i got rejected from both PhD programs i applied to and decided to get a “real job” instead, and began applying for random positions that offered health insurance, because i knew i was drastically undermedicated and it was becoming a Problem.

near the end of spring semester, i moved out of my house, put it on the market, and was interviewing for a community development manager position for a nonprofit. at the same time, i found out about another university that was taking late-season applications, and i applied. five days later, i got accepted. one day after that, i got a job offer for the nonprofit. since i had no idea how long it would take for my house to sell, and being unable to afford both rent in a new city and my mortgage payment, i deferred my PhD acceptance for a year and decided to work at the nonprofit for a while. the risk was that i could only defer my admission, not my funding, so there was a chance that the following year i wouldn’t get the same funding package.

i lasted one month at the “real job” before i had another breakdown and ended up quitting.

my house sold for well under the asking price and i received only $4000 in equity once it was all said and done. that’s a lot of money to me, but considering that i’d been paying on the house for 7 years, i was expecting a lot more.

i had a year to kill until the PhD so i decided to take a break from teaching and apply to artist residencies instead. i applied to 8 residencies and got accepted into 4, but only ended up attending 3, because the 4th was outrageously priced and there was no indication of the cost when i had applied.

in winter i picked up querying agents again. i queried 10 agents every other week. i also got a ghostwriting gig writing children’s books that paid $800 a month.

in 2019 i wrote 417k. i spent $441 in submission fees (to residencies and contests, not agent queries. never pay money to query an agent!!). i ended up teaching 3 classes fall semester.

2020, age 30

i started out the year driving across the country going to residencies. the first cost $100 (no food), the second cost $250 (A LOT OF VERY GOOD FOOD), and the third paid me $500. i was at the third when the pandemic hit.

the query rejections started rolling in. i gave up in february after 60 queries. of those 60, i received 7 manuscript requests for baby, but the consensus was that it was too long and plotless (you got me there.jpg). at the second residency completed and revised zucchini and decided to begin querying with that instead. i could only find a few agents who accepted collections so i only queried 16. i got one request for the manuscript but then didn’t hear back. i gave up in april shortly after the pandemic hit.

when i figured the collection, like the novel, just wasn’t publishable, i started submitting to contests which is the more standard route for the genre. i submitted to 12 in total and was a finalist in 1. i was rejected or withdrew from the rest.

the PhD program reached out to ask if i was still interested in starting in fall, and i said i was, so they put me in the running for funding again and i was accepted. the stipend was $17k per academic year.

like most of us, i got totally derailed in spring and stopped doing basically everything. the ghostwriting gig started paying $1500 a month and i also started my creative coaching business, which slowly but surely began to supplement my income. i also received the $1200 stimulus.

when school started, i quit the ghostwriting gig. i had no intention to continue querying either book, but i saw a twitter pitch event called DVpit (diverse voices) and decided to participate. for those who don’t know, a twitter pitch event is where you tweet the pitch for your book and use the hashtag, and agents scroll through the tag and like tweets. if an agent likes your tweet, you query them.

i got one like, so i followed up with the query. the agent asked for the full MS and a couple weeks later followed up with the offer for representation. we talked on the phone, she sent me the contract, i asked for a couple changes, and then signed!

so far this year i’ve written 375k and paid $518 in submission fees. i’ll give more details when i do my end of year roundup next month. oh, and i finally paid off my student loans.

totals

word count: 2.3 million

agent queries: 77

agent MS requests: 9

agent rejections: 28

agent no responses: 44

short story submissions: 86

short story acceptances: 3

short story income: $25

total submission/application fees: $1472

my (final) query letter

honestly this query letter probably isn’t very good which is why i got such a minimal response, but it got the job done eventually.

Thank you for expressing interest in ZUCCHINI through this year's DVpit event.

ZUCCHINI is a collection that views sex through an asexual lens. It poses inquiries into constructs like gender, sexuality, and love to dissect the patriarchal/puritanical foundations from which our social perspectives often derive. Being a collection about asexuality, each story portrays a relationship that develops from forms of attraction other than physical.

In one story, a grieving widow purchases her first sex toy; in another, a woman uses sex to cope with the death of her abusive father, and later in the collection faces the long road to recovery; an administrative assistant seeks out a codependent relationship with her boss; a masochist hires a professional sadist to lead him toward self-actualization; a woman begins to recover from her sexual assault by staging a reenactment on her own terms; and lastly, two lifelong friends in a queerplatonic relationship decide to get married. Asexuality is an under-acknowledged identity within the LGBTQIA community and is often misunderstood. In seven stories, ZUCCHINI dissects the notion of attraction, explores the intersections of sexual identity and trauma recovery, and conveys the experience of intimacy without physical desire.

Three stories in the collection have been published in literary magazines. “Lien” appeared in volume 24 of Quarter After Eight and was nominated for the PEN/Robert J. Dau Short Story Prize for Emerging Writers. “An Informed Purchase” appeared in the summer 2018 issue of Midwestern Gothic and won the Jordan-Goodman Prize in Fiction. “The Ashtray” appeared in issue 16 of Rivet Journal and has been nominated for a 2020 Pushcart Prize.

Complete at 53,000 words, ZUCCHINI is a collection in conversation with Carmen Maria Machado’s HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES, Lauren Groff’s FLORIDA, and Samantha Hunt’s THE DARK DARK.

If ZUCCHINI is of interest to you, I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Per your guidelines, I've appended the first twenty pages below, which is the entirety of the first story.

what comes next

i’m going to spend january revising the collection per my agent’s feedback. when i send it back to her, she’ll shoot it out to the first round of publishers. my understanding is that the goal is to get multiple offers on it so that it has to go to auction. if there are no offers, she’ll do another round of submissions, and so on, until we’ve exhausted our options. if that happens, we’ll reassess, but by then hopefully i’ll have another novel finished.

meanwhile, i’ll be continuing the PhD which entails teaching a 2/2, workshop, and 2 lit seminars per semester. i’m also still doing my creative coaching, writing fanfic, and working on my original projects. in summer, i’ll finally be moving to hopefully start going to school in person next fall.

the PhD is a 3 year program with an optional fourth year. i don’t see myself finishing in 3 years so i do plan to take the extra year unless something comes up. after the PhD, i’m not sure what i’ll do. a lot will probably change by then so i’m trying not to commit to one idea. i might apply to post-doc fellowships and tenure track positions, or i might leave the country and teach overseas, or i might move to LA and try to get in a writer’s room somewhere. i’ve got a lot of options.

overall thoughts/stuff i learned

first of all, you don’t have to go through all of this to publish a book. you could feasibly just write a book and query agents. the only reason it took me this long is because my PTSD brain was sabotaging me every step of the way and i didn’t start taking anything seriously until i found something i was willing to fight for (teaching). i went the MFA/literary route but other, faster routes are just as good. maybe better. probably better. actually if there’s any chance you can go a different route, you should take it.

reflecting on all of this, very little of it has anything to do with talent or being a good writer. nor does it have to do with being at the right place at the right time. i’ve only made it this far because i took very small steps over and over again, and during that walk met people who could help me -- the authors who have mentored me, the editors who accepted my stories, the agent who signed me. and as i got further along my path, i started being able to help other writers in the way i was helped.

i don’t believe i’ll ever be a great writer. the best thing i can say about my writing is that it’s competent and accessible. everything i write sets out to do something and most of the time it gets the job done. i don’t imagine i’ll ever be able to financially support myself with publishing, and i’ll certainly never be famous or well-known, but i’m good enough to keep making progress. i’ll probably continue to find opportunities that are adjacent to writing and that will keep me afloat, pending my health and provided the country doesn’t devolve into civil war.

probably the most important thing i learned in all this is that having a wide appeal isn’t the goal. you don’t write to be lauded or liked. you have to stay as true to yourself and your interests as you possibly can, so that the people who come across your path can see you and help you. you’ll need those people; no one gets anywhere alone. if you pander, if you’re too concerned with praise and success or being adored, you won’t make it very far. the rejection will eventually kill you.

with all that said, my advice to you is this: never stop writing. the ability to share our stories is the single most precious thing we have. you can’t let anything stop you from telling your stories the way you need them to be told.

#writing advice #the writing life #writing update

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oldcomplaintsrevisited · 10 months

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2023 Updated Resolutions and Progress (July):

Be in bed by 10 PM every night. For the most part, I have done this successfully. However, I've been waking up around 4 am and am having difficulty falling back asleep. It's not severe yet, but I'm worried that it will be eventually.

Lose 5 more pounds WITHOUT resorting to disordered eating.

Read a minimum of 30 books. My original goal was 25 books, but I've finished reading 27 books so far. I figured I'd raise the bar. I'm currently knee-deep in something like 26 other books and don't know how many I'll finish by the end of the year.

Listen to at least 2500 different bands/musicians this year. As of this moment, I've listened to 2326 bands in 2023. Honestly, I'm a little sick of seeking out new music and have begun listening to bands from when I was a teen 1000000 years ago.

Learn Python. I took Code in Place and learned a ton. I'd like to learn more, but I'm putting Python and Coursera classes on hold for the next goal...

Which is going back to university to become a licensed secondary math teacher. I've been accepted into the program I applied to and am psyched about it. University starts in September.

Read The New Yorker within a week of its arrival. I've managed to do this but don't know if I'll stick with it once work and school start up.

Get the third job I'm applying for. It's basically the same sort of job as job #2, but it pays an extra $12 per four-hour shift to reimburse the cost of transportation.

2023 Original Resolutions:

Be in bed by 9 PM every night.

Lose 10 more pounds (I lost 13 last year).

Read a minimum of 25 books. This is a super realistic goal, and I'm sure I'll read more than 25 books.

Listen to at least 2500 different bands/musicians this year.

Finish the Energy and Momentum course I'm taking. Earn >90%.

Take the Rotational Motion and Gravitation course.

Take the Electric Charges and Fields course.

2023 Updated Resolutions (April):

Be in bed by 10 PM every night.

Lose 10 pounds.

Read a minimum of 25 books. I’ve finished 17 so far.

Listen to at least 2000 different bands/musicians this year. I’ve listened to 1083 bands so far.

Finish the Energy and Momentum course I’m taking. Earn > 90%. I’ve put this on hold to start learning Python, but still plan to finish this year. I’m around 50% through the course.

Learn Python via Coursera, Zenva Academy, and Code in Place 2023 (if my application is accepted).

Begin working through problems on Project Euler using Python.

Read The New Yorker within a week of its arrival.

#mine #personal #resolutions #journal thingy #tw ed recovery #tw ed

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mischiefapprentice · 3 years

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Lockdown Relationships

A/N: This short story is my entry for my school's first annual Valentine's Creative Writing contest. It got featured, and I am more than honored to share this one with you all!

March 12, 2020

“Love?” “Yes, darling?” “I can’t travel back to Los Angeles. Lockdown’s to begin on the day of my flight.”

I was supposed to go back to Los Angeles, California on March 13 after two months of my vacation here in Manila. My boyfriend has been constantly calling me, excitement lacing his voice as he waits for me to get home in his arms after two months of being oceans away from each other. He is an actor, and I am his personal assistant up until now. Our relationship may have flakked with his fans, but it didn’t matter to him. All he knew was: he loves me to the moon and back. I’m Reine Gwendolyn Simmons, and you can call me Reine.

As I was saying, I was supposed to be on my flight back to Los Angeles the next day. All my bags were packed, my passport and plane tickets are already secure in my small Louis Vuitton bag, and my heart cannot wait to see my lifeline again. However, hearing the president planning to implement travel bans on the day made my hopes of getting back as soon as I can impossible.

“Can’t it be moved tonight? I’ll ask Matty to arrange a plane ticket for you, or I can ask for my private plane to be sent there to fetch you.” “It can’t be moved; all plane flights for tonight are full.” “Are you really sure?” “Dane, just got straight to the point.”

“Well, I might just have cancelled your flight tomorrow and the plane is on the way to the airport now…”

That’s my boyfriend. He’d always find a way through things, especially if it’s about me. He has done that many times before; he’ll always see to it that I’d be safe and home on time, and most of all, he’d make sure to call me despite the time differences here. Daniel loves me so much that he would give everything just to see that I’m happy. Seeing that there is no way out of this fiasco he did, I decided to go and get on the plane before midnight.

📷

April 2020

I tested positive for COVID-19.

Aside from being my boyfriend’s personal assistant, I also worked as a nurse in one of the quarantine centers in Los Angeles. Daniel and I had a little misunderstanding with this matter, since it means I have to be far from him and he won’t get to see me everyday. He also knows of my respiratory problems, making me vulnerable to the virus too. Luckily, Daniel didn’t get the virus, and he’s safe at home.

“Babe, are you getting any better?” “Little by little, but I need to recover more.” “They could have provided more PPEs for nurses like you, love. Especially you.”

Yes. They don’t have enough Personal Protective Equipment for us. That is also the reason why he wouldn’t want me to go apply as a nurse during this time. My head nurse also warned me about my high risks of getting the virus, but I still said yes. It was a sworn duty that I must complete until I resign or retire. I always put others first before myself, that’s why I became a nurse.

His eyes showed sadness as we talked through FaceTime. He always feared that one day, I’d be gone from him forever. He’d always tell me that it’s fine that I’d be with another guy if we break up, but he’ll never get over my death. It would be the most tragic day for him. Knowing that low chances of survival await me, I’m now reflecting whether to end our relationship of two years or still let him love me until my last breath. I want to spare him of the pains of heartbreak from my death, knowing that my passing will be his end too.

Weeks have passed, and I feel my body slowly deteriorating. It’s as if death’s stark shadow looms over my weakening body as the virus slowly defeats my immunity. I tried to keep up my hopes of surviving this high, knowing that Daniel also keeps his hopes up that I will get through this. Wondering if I told him about me wanting to end our relationship? Yes, I did tell him about it, and he is not really happy with it. Persuading him that I am doing this for him, he never bought it. He insisted that he’d love me until my last day albeit the pains of losing me will swallow him alive.

“Darling, please. I’m not giving up on us just because of this.” He tells me as tears fall on his face. “I want to spare you from the pain when I die, Daniel.” I retort, tears also streaming down as I feel my heart tear into pieces. “I don’t want you staying single because of me. You need to live your life, at least for me.” “I don’t care if I’d suffer heartbreak because you are gone. Just let me love you until your last breath, please.”

📷

November 28, 2020

Having recovered from the virus after 3 months, I was discharged from the hospital I am confined in. July 2020 was the highlight of our relationship; Daniel assured me every single day that he loves me, and he is never giving up on us despite my low chances of surviving this disease. During those three months, he’d always give me a call, despite time differences. He’d be in Seoul, Korea; or in Prague, Czech Republic. He’d also be in Michigan with his family and his Golden Retriever, Marry. There was even a time he tried to visit me before he flew to Korea.

“Oops, remember: two meters away from me, darling.” I reminded him as he was about to hug me. Him being a whiny guy, he’d show me that pout that made me fall for his plans. “I missed hugging you!” He reasons out, his arms crossed on his chest. “Well, I missed those teddy bear hugs of yours, but we have to follow protocols.” I shrug my shoulders.

This very day, I am now finally free from the dangers and tribulations of the quarantine center. My head nurse decided it’s time for me to rest, since it was contractual work for me. I have agreed to work for them from March 2020 up until November 2020. Today is also the day my beloved man was born, and his manager has been planning my return as a surprise. But turns out, I am the one to be surprised.

As soon as I got home from the center and had completed the quarantine on the hotel for nurses like me, Matthew brought me to the golf course park where Daniel and his friend Martin would go to and play golf. Roscoe greeted me with the cutest smile he could muster, leading me to my boyfriend with a quick run. My eyes water up as Daniel looks at me with a smile, waiting for me to come close. Bent down on one knee, he asked me the most crucial question I never thought he’d ask me.

📷

February 15, 2021

Today’s the day. After two months of preparing for the biggest day of our lives, I now change my surname to his. I say we’d marry as soon as the vaccines come, he says we marry on the day after Valentine’s day. Reasoning that vaccines would take long, and he can’t wait that long to marry me, we agreed to marry on this day. Now wearing the white dress that every girl would dream to wear on the day of their wedding, I now patiently wait for the wedding bells to ring, signalling that I enter the church and walk on the aisle that led to the man who never gave up on me. White flowers filling my very own bridal bouquet which shows the purity of my intentions and of my entire being, I am more than ready and happy to open the new chapter of my life alongside him. Tears of happiness stream down on both of our faces as I march alongside my parents to the altar where he waits.

If there is one thing that our love taught and reminded us, it is our patience, trust and determination that led us to this. There might have been points in our life that challenged how strong our love is for each other, we still stepped through those and let the love we have beat everything that comes our way.

#daniel henney #matt simmons #matt simmons x reader #daniel henney x reader #love in the time of COVID

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finnishcrimestory · 3 years

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Anni Törn

Anni Törn, 29 years old, was healthy, well educated young woman from Savonlinna. She had always loved writing about her life, so she did it in a form of diaries and her blog. Her blog surrounded a lot around her active lifestyle, and she had plans to compete in figure competitions. She loved to travel and experience different cultures, so she volunteered in Tanzania, where she apparently helped local orphans and visited schools. When she returned to Finland she started to study BBA in Mikkeli, but left to be an au pair in The Hague, Netherlands during the same fall. In 2017 Törn moved to Rovaniemi with her sister, because she started an internship in a local insurance company. After the internship ended, Törn applied for a job from the same company, but this time in Mikkeli. The man who interviewed her was 33 year old Jukka Hyttinen.

In March 2018 Anni got the job and moved to Mikkeli. She did not particularly like moving and living in Mikkeli, but she was satisfied with it since it was very close to her hometown Savonlinna. Törn’s boss was the same man who interviewed her, Hyttinen. They grew close and very soon they started dating. According to Hyttinen, they had good chemistry between them and the relationship moved ahead fast. Very soon they stopped using protection and tried to conceive. Törn’s family liked Hyttinen, even though Törn’s mother was a bit confused because the relationship moved forward so fast. Törn’s family described Hyttinen to be polite person who dressed neatly and was ambitious.

Törn and Hyttinen did not live together immediately, but they had plans on getting a house together where they could build a life. In summer 2018 they carried out with this plan and purchased a house from Mikkeli. During this time Törn also revealed to her family that she was pregnant. According to Törn’s mother, she was happy and thriving. The pregnancy was very happy news for Törn, and her friends were glad she had found such a good man for herself.

On 21st of July 2018 Törn and Hyttinen were invited to a birthday party. Hyttinen was quite new to all the guests present, but they welcomed him well. Törn of course did not drink any alcohol during the night, but Hyttinen drank even for her behalf. The host of the party also noticed how much Hyttinen drank, and according to him it was over 20 servings. After 12 am people started to leave from the party and the people left were Törn, Hyttinen, the one who’s birthday they were celebrating and his girlfriend. At some point the topic of the conversation changed and they started to discuss Törn’s ex boyfriend. Hyttinen got very upset because of this and asked if they could change the subject. However Hyttinen himself continued talking about the ex. Törn tried to make Hyttinen change the subject by talking about other things, but Hyttinen did not stop. According to people present, Hyttinen’s behaviour changed and he was very angry and uncomfortable. The situation escalated and Törn yelled at Hyttinen and slapped him. After this Törn was going to leave the party and suggested that Hyttinen should walk back home, not come with her car. Hyttinen however managed to get into the car and they left together.

On the next day Törn’s family got worried when they couldn’t reach her with a phone. Törn’s brother, Antti called Hyttinen who told that he is in Joensuu and couldn’t tell where Törn was. Hyttinen had fled the argument from last night to his hometown in Joensuu. Antti described the call as follows: “When Hyttinen called me and told Anni was missing, I knew he had done something to her, because I’ve been living in a world where I’ve witnessed horrible things to happen for so long. I wen’t to Joensuu and started to search for Anni.”

Antti and Törn’s mother made a missing persons report on a Sunday night approximately at 10:30 pm. Törn’s mother also called some hospitals and asked if Törn would be there. Antti searched for her from her previous apartment in Mikkeli, Hyttinen’s previous apartment in Savonlinna and from Joensuu where he met Hyttinen. He had been asking about Törn and noticed a bruise on Hyttinen’s hand, which had been bandaged. After this, Antti informed police of everything and they decided to search Hyttinen’s apartment and interrogate him.

Antti also wrote a post on Facebook about Törn’s disappearance. He wrote: “Anni Törn has gone missing on the night between Saturday and Sunday. Anybody who knows something of her movements, could you please contact me. And Anni, if you see this, my dear sister contact me. I’m dying of worry.”

When the police talked to Hyttinen, he told that on Sunday Törn had a meeting with a man who had been serving time in a prison. He apparently referred to Törn’s ex boyfriend who was currently in prison. The police contacted the prison and found out that the man in question was not on a furlough or anything, so he couldn’t not have been meeting with Törn. The police searched Hyttinen’s apartment but didn’t find anything. However they noticed that the shower curtain was missing from there. Törn was never late or missed her work shifts, so the police decided to wait til Monday to see if she would go to work. This didn’t happen so she was declared missing.

The police interrogated Hyttinen who told them about the argument and that Törn had woken him up during the night and told him that he had to leave. Hyttinen told that he had done that and left the apartment. He also told that Törn had started to show aggression towards him after she got pregnant. The police looked into Hyttinen’s movements and he indeed had left the apartment during that night. When they were searching his car, they found grass from his car’s bumper. This was suspicious to the police.

When the police talked to the friend from the party, they had told that Hyttinen had called them on Sunday. He had told that he and Törn had became reconciled right away after they arrived home. He told that he however couldn’t sleep, and that was the reason he had left the apartment.

Törn’s brother Antti took part in the search very closely since the beginning. He used social media, volunteered as a searcher and gathered other searchers as well. He noticed contradictions in the things Hyttinen told and sensed that things are not like Hyttinen has told. Antti had visited Hyttinen’s apartment and noticed weird blood marks in the staircase. Antti called Hyttinen and tried to find out about the blood. This is what Antti told about the call: “If something has happened, tell me now. I’ve thought of you being a person who has backbone, so I hope there is enough man in you to be honest with things.” Hyttinen had answered that he knows more than he has told.

When 4 days had passed of Törn’s disappearance, the police started to investigate it as a manslaughter and Hyttinen became their main suspect. On 26th of July 2018 Hyttinen called the main inspector of the case and asked if they could talk. Hyttinen was brought to police station, and while he was there, crime scene insvestigators investigated his apartment. Hyttinen’s bathroom was very clean and they could find clear remnants of detergent, which meant that during the cleaning, detergent had been used with large amounts. Even though the bathroom was cleaned very well, the police found Törn’s blood from there.

(In the picture above, you can see police arresting Hyttinen.)

Again Hyttinen told about the argument which had continued in the apartment. In the middle of the argument Hyttinen had wanted to take a shower, but Törn had prevented him of doing that. Hyttinen claimed that Törn had been kicking and hitting him. Hyttinen confessed that he had hit Törn. First once, then twice and in the result of the third hit, Törn had collapsed on the floor and lost consciousness. After that Hyttinen had called his friend and told that Törn is not alive anymore. Hyttinen had packed Törn in his car and driven to Joensuu. During the drive, Hyttinen had dropped Törn’s body off of a bridge.

The police searched the waters but they did not discover the body. The police started to suspect what Hyttinen had told so they contacted the friend to who Hyttinen had called after killing Törn. He told that Hyttinen had revealed that he will bury Törn in his parent’s property in Joensuu. During the interrogation, Hyttinen told the police that he had buried Törn in his parents property. The police started the investigation there, and very quickly a sniffer dog found the grave. According to the coroner, Törn had big bruises and sores in her head and legs. Törn had been laying on the bathroom floor, while she had been hit in the head and choked. Bruising from Törn’s body revealed that she had been kicked, hit and that she had been hit with a triangle shaped object. All this abuse had resulted to Törn getting a brain damage that resulted to her death.

Hyttinen didn’t really comment of the abuse, but according to some sources he had told that he hit Törn three times which killed her, and to other sources he remembered holding her down. He had tried to stop the blood from flowing with a towel, which he later threw away alongside with the shower curtain. At one point Hyttinen told that he had dropped strawberries on the floor, which was why he had cleaned there so well.

The trial

During the trial, Hyttinen only confessed on the abuse, but all the evidence from the body told otherwise. Törn had suffered hard and long lasting abuse and she couldn’t have defended herself. Hyttinen tried to defend himself by telling that he does not remember the situation so well, but he did remember things that suited him some way. The court was not happy about this, and were able to find out that Hyttinen had continued the abuse even after noticing that Törn wasn’t conscious anymore. Hyttinen told that Törn as well had been violent, but the police weren’t able to find any evidence from his body to back this up. Törn’s family had never seen Törn to act violently, and they don’t believe that she was violent towards Hyttinen. Törn’s mother told that Törn was that type of person who always tried to avoid conflict and not take part in arguments.

Hyttinen was sentenced to 9 years and 10 months to prison for manslaughter and violation of the grave. He complained to the court of appeals but the sentence stayed the same.

After

Törn’s funeral was on 1st of September 2018, where her loved ones ate her bravura, cheesecake. Törn’s sister Riitta wished that people would remember Anni for something else than just a victim of manslaughter. She described Anni to be brave, who was not afraid to make her dreams come true. Anni was very close to her family, especially her brother Antti and they were in contact daily. People said that if Anni ever got any problems in her life, she would always tell Antti first. Anni was people loving, cheerful and bright woman. When reading articles of her and the case, I got the general image of her being very kind and lovely person. I truly hope her loved ones can find peace in their lives, and keep Anni’s legacy alive.

#finnish crime #finnish murder #true crime #anni törn #Finland #solved #jukka hyttinen

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elliewritessometimes · 3 years

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IT’S @mattieswheelers BIRTHDAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVELY WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH

beCAUSE of this, myself and @notsomightymightytiger decided to steal tea leaf’s time travelling mattie au and create a whole entire fic with their ideas and also a design that @ari-is-anxious did a while back!! hope you enjoy aaaaaaa <3333 aLSO stabbies try and spot as many starboard references as you can heheheh

this can be read on ao3 here if you prefer the format :)

tw: swearing, murder (it’s minor and resolved tho jsgh), religion (nicco my love read with care), blood, i really hope i haven’t missed anything please do let me know if i missed anything

Mattie had always been able to time travel. For as long as she could remember, her walk-in wardrobe had been lined with silver metal and held no clothes at all. As a child, this made it all the more exciting, though as she grew older and actually started to want to own clothes, it became a little inconvenient. She supposed all great inventions came with some kind of sacrifice.

Her uncle had made the time machine as a gift when Mattie was born. Her parents, like any basic adults, assumed the wardrobe-sized box was simply a toy and had taken no interest in it. Mattie, from the age of about three when her curiosity had really set in, was the one who discovered that the machine was in fact a working portal and not just a children’s toy. Since then, she had been happily travelling time and space during the darkest hours of night.

(You may have entirely valid concerns about a three year old having full access to time travel - luckily, not just for Mattie’s safety but also that of the entire human race, her uncle had set what were effectively child locks on a lot of the controls. These were diminished the day that Mattie turned thirteen. Uncle Calvin had always been a little weird, but he certainly wasn’t heartless.)

Usually, Mattie’s time travel didn’t affect her life. Sure, it made for some pretty awkward conversations as Mattie spurted some knowledge which could never have been explained through a textbook, but those could often be blamed on watching too much Horrible Histories as a child (“Mattie, I swear to God, you’re so bageling British, and yet you’ve never been there, I don’t understand.” “Horrible Histories is a masterpiece! You’re just jealous that you’re too American to have seen it.” “Actual asshole of a child.” “Farrah-!”).

It was going well until Mattie’s freshman year at Giles Corey. And then three of her fellow highschoolers were murdered. And suddenly Mattie had a way to prevent that from happening.

In some stroke of luck, she passed out at the sleepover and didn’t find out about the murders until she was sitting in the back of a cop car, driving to her house to pick up her things. She remembered thinking how weird it was that she wasn’t being taken straight to the station, but brushed that away in favour of ‘going into her wardrobe to change out of her bloody clothes’.

The time machine was cold like it always was and that forced her out of her muddled state quickly enough. She thought back to the victims. Chess. Farrah. Clark. Snapping on her goggles, she pressed a button, whirled backwards through time and space, and appeared at the gate to Riley’s neighbour’s house.

She really wished that she had actually changed her outfit - the damp blood turned cold with the breeze and sent shivers up her spine. The smell perhaps or just her sudden appearance startled the neighbour’s dogs into a frenzy. A figure, Chess, unharmed and merely confused instead of terrified, stood up from Riley’s bench, calling into the darkness. Mattie’s breath caught in her throat. The second figure, knife glinting in the dim streetlight, slipped out of the back door. Their red hair shone in the reflection of the knife with a sick kind of beauty.

Mattie could have stopped them there, taken the knife from the assailant’s grasp, prevented the tragedy of the evening. But she didn’t. She just watched.

Three minutes later, after arriving back in her present time and pressing yet another button on the wall of her closet, she watched the same scene unfold in the bathroom with a much younger victim. Twenty minutes after that, the third attack. This one was different though, an accident.

Still a little desperate and overly conscious of the police officer standing guard outside of her bedroom, she reappeared in her wardrobe, putting on a jumper before turning back time a little further. She appeared in a gymnastics centre as a girl around Mattie’s age did wolf turns on a beam. A coach entered the scene from the sidelines as the girl stopped spinning, her distinctive plait falling still against her back. Something in Mattie ached at the sight of Chess so lively and innocent, willing to give up her life for her dream of succeeding in her sport. As the two wandered into a side room, picking up water with a smile, Mattie edged forwards, collecting soft gym mats as she went. Within minutes, the area surrounding the beam had been double layered with cushioning, and Mattie could only pray that her plan would work. She’d seen enough YouTube videos to know what happened next.

Chess emerged again with her coach, hopping back up onto the beam with practiced ease. Again, Mattie was forced to just watch as she went down into her wolf turn, then rose up, did a split leap across at least half of the beam, and jumped into a twist to land on the floor. It was a messy landing, the gymnast’s ankle caving in on itself, knee twisting unnaturally in the air, before coming down hard onto her side. But, unlike in the previous videos, there wasn’t a resounding crack, only a weak cry of pain as Chess stumbled back to her feet.

Mattie grinned despite herself as snippets of conversation drifted her way.

“-not broken, don’t worry-”

“The Olympics seem out of the picture…”

“Get her a drink to numb the pain! Yes, limeade’s perfect-!”

Mattie arrived in her room again with a whole plethora of new information just inserted into her mind like it had been there all along. There was no longer and never had been a police officer outside her door. Her shirt was clean, her head undamaged. Chess didn’t go to the Olympics, but still did gymnastics in her spare time as her knee made a full and quick recovery. Farrah wasn’t dropped. Riley, in some weird twist of fate, went to the same therapist as Mattie. Life was… good for the Giles Corey Tigers.

Across town, the sleepover was still going ahead as normal. From what weird memories she just gained, Mattie knew that the team was at a rocky patch, their personalities still clashing in any iteration of the evening. But, with some relief, she knew that it would never in this timeline be bad enough for murder to even be considered as an answer. Her phone buzzed. The lies came easily as she covered up her mysterious disappearance from the sleepover she should currently be at.

Reese (school): Where are you???

Mattieeeee: I went home :( not feeling good

Reese (school): :((( that sucks

Mattieeeee: Ikr. I think it was the ice cream.

Reese (school): I told the others

Reese (school): They all say get well soon apart from Kate and Cairo who actually agreed on something for once haha

Mattieeeee: What did they say skjghdjh

Reese (school): “Tolerate the lactose, Wheeler.”

In her short-but-actually-quite-long-given-all-the-time-travel life, Mattie had witnessed a number of key historic events (and had caused about 85% by some small accident, but that’s a story for another time). The one which ended up unveiling her secret to someone in her actual life occurred overnight one February. Or maybe July. Depends. Time is weird.

She stepped into a small room, luckily through the doorway and not awkwardly through the window, as done many times before. A man sat hunched over a desk by the window, dressed in brown and using a pen-but-not-really-a-pen to craft a page of writing. From Mattie’s extensive historical knowledge, it could have been anywhere from 1000 BC to the 16th century.

“Hello, excuse me,” she began, “But I’m a little lost.”

The man startled, his not-really-pen skidding across the page and leaving a trail of thick ink in its wake as he blinked at her in the doorway. “Who are you?” He seemed perplexed as to how a young girl was standing there, in the opening to his room, in clothing not of any time now or before.

Something that Mattie had realised after travelling not only to different times, but also to a vast number of different settings around the world, was that somehow, she was never stumped by a language barrier. Instead she was always able to fluently converse with those she met in what appeared to her as American English. It was really weird; she tried not to think about it too much or it made her head hurt. She’d also learnt that it was best not to explain her full situation to her companions, becoming accustomed to pulling the classic ‘I’m not here, you’re just dreaming’ excuse. So that was exactly the tactic she applied here. “A dream figure. You don’t need to be afraid.”

The man narrowed his eyes, glancing down at the paper and then back up to Mattie’s face. “That’s a good line.” He scribbled her words down onto a scrap piece of papyrus. “Maybe I can use that later.”

Mattie grinned, sensing her chance to fuck up history just a little bit. “What are you writing?”

“How the world came to be,” the man explained. “God.”

“Ah, of course. The Bible, huh?”

“Pardon?” The scribe locked eyes with Mattie for the first time, confusion etched clearly on his face. She shook her head in response, having learnt that it was hopeless trying to explain events of the future to people who could never even begin to imagine the future that she came from. Seemingly satisfied, the man continued. “As the vision you are, I wonder if you’ve been sent to answer my queries.”

“Of course. Go ahead.”

“I’m struggling for a name. Not for the book itself, but just for this chapter.”

Mattie smiled as wisely as she could. “What do you have so far?”

“‘Generational Crisis’. The chapter describes how our world came to be - the creation of natural elements, the first humans, the beginnings of emotion. ‘Generational’ as it shall be carried on for generations, and ‘crisis’ as it’s a huge event, a crisis for the higher powers.”

Mattie choked. Her mind imagined a world where the entry chapter to the Bible was named as so, and it was a world of chaos and highly differing language choices. “That is very wise, sir. I have one suggestion: how about shortening it? Make it snappier, more catchy. I’m thinking…” She paused, feigning deep thought, “‘Genesis.’”

The man gasped, scrawling her word down at the top of the papyrus. “Genius! Thank you, child. I should write your name in my finished book, to show my gratitude for your kindness.”

“Mattie, sir, Mattie Wheeler. It’s been lovely to meet you and see your studies.” Over the centuries, Mattie had learnt to leave those she met with some kind of reassurance as the humane aspect of her hobby. “Before I go, I may be a dream spirit, but I can assure you that the work you have done right now shall be greatly appreciated for thousands of years to come.”

“You really are a wonder, perhaps a child sent from the power above.”

Unthinking, she snorted, replying, “Oh, boy, you are not ready to hear about Jesus.”

“Jesus? You mean my sister’s husband? I do hear some curious rumours about the man…”

Mattie hid her laugh behind a hand. Of course, this was hundreds of years before Jesus Christ came to be thought of. “I know, right? Jesus? More like JeSUS.” The scribe didn’t reply, mind clearly tired of its confusion and instead turning back to something it knew well. He picked up his writing patterns again. Mattie turned away, back to the doorway. “I will leave you to your writing again. Sleep well.” Leaving a small vial of dissolved sleeping pills on the desk, she stepped out of the door.

The only class that Mattie knew she would see Eva in was Religion. They didn’t actually share the class, but Mattie’s Religion teacher was Eva’s form tutor and the older girl often used the classroom as a quieter study area for her free period. Not that Mattie would call a class of thirty sophomores particularly peaceful, but apparently she hadn’t heard the noise of the senior study area, you genuinely don’t understand, last week Jacob Thomas tried to make toast using the sun on a desk and then, bam, the entire of senior year are creating chants about sun bread, it was so weird, Mattie, I transferred to a school of crackheads.

After her travel to the 7th century AD, Mattie sparked a sudden interest in her Religion classes. Eva, being the older sister that she was, watched closely as the sophomore stayed behind after class to search the Bible for something in particular.

“What’re you looking for?”

“Nothing!” Mattie didn’t look up from fervently turning the pages.

“Well, that’s a fucking lie.” Eva perched on the side of a desk, sliding across to snatch the book out of the younger girl’s hands. “Why the hell are you looking at what is essentially the movie credits for the Bible???”

Eva watched as Mattie bit her lip, eyes darting around the empty classroom. She thought for a long moment, visibly debating points in her head, before leaning over the top of the book to run her finger down a list of names. About a third of the way down the page, she stopped. Eva’s eyes followed her finger as it drew a circle around a certain name. Matte Wheyler

“See. I was looking for that.”

Eva didn’t say anything for a while. Mattie waited with baited breath as Eva’s brain tried to make sense of what they saw. “Mattie Wheeler, what the bagel.” It didn’t bother to even be a question.

“It’s a really long story.” Mattie slumped onto the desk as well. “Hey, did you know that ‘Genesis’ would have originally been called ‘Generational Crisis’ if it wasn’t for me?”

After a glance at both of their timetables, they decided that their next lessons (biology and latin respectively) were worth missing. Instead, they stayed seated on a desk in the Religion classroom, as Mattie explained in detail how her name came to be in the Bible. It was refreshing to finally spill her secret after fifteen years of complete silence, and Mattie wondered vaguely in the back of her mind if one day Eva might be able to share in her time travelling adventures. That might take a little more explaining though, because Eva sure did have a lot of questions.

“So, you don’t change anything?”

“Not anything major. Like, I can’t stop Hitler or anything, that would change too big an event. Little things, however, like names and stuff, it’s fun to mess around with. Ever wondered why the Italian city, Pisa, has its name? I delivered pizza to the guys who were kind of like the government at the time of its naming. Hence, the Leaning Tower of Pizza.”

Eva cackled. “Wait, what?! God, dude, that’s nuts. What the fuck.”

“What can I say, all I really want in life is a little bit of chaos and also mozzarella sticks.”

Mattieeeee sent a photo.

evanescence: is that??? abraham lincoln????

Mattieeeee: Abraham Lincoln was an otter.

evanescence: how so?

Mattieeeee: Point one: look at him.

Mattieeeee: Point two: no seriously. Look at him.

evanescence: oh my god

evanescence: i cannot believe you have a literal selfie with abraham lincoln that’s fucking wild

Mattieeeee: Perks of the job :D

evanescence: literally hire me i want a selfie with cleopatra

farrah o’satanic ritual: yall i got out of the shower like an hour ago and i still haven’t changed

Imposter: What can I say, bath robes are in fashion rn

farrah o’satanic ritual: ive told you before clark stop pretending you know how to dress

Mattieeeee: Farrah did you not die in the shower?

katherine: ????mattie???????

farrah o’satanic ritual: no?? i didn’t

SmileyRiley: dang it

katherine: riLEY-

caicrow: riley i thought we’d moved on from murder

Imposter: Plot twist: Mattie was the murderer all along

katherine: CLARK-

Mattieeeee: oops-

It wasn't meant to happen, she swore up and down it was a mistake. A true and honest accident. And it kinda was? I mean Mattie hadn’t intended for the scaffolding on the new tower being constructed in Pisa to wobble, she’d already fucked up Pisa once in her career, but… Well, that's what she got for letting loose Giles and Corey (her occasional time travelling companions, who also happened to be cats) in the middle of a Italian city in 1252. She could have sworn the catnip was safely concealed in one of the pockets inside her jacket (which was filled with all sorts of trinkets from her travels in the space-time continuum), yet somehow the two had still gotten into it. She guessed that's what she got for not hydrating-feel-greating and eating-to-defeating.

An old citizen eyed her suspiciously, taking in her struggle with the two cats. Or maybe she was just more focused on Mattie’s goggles - she doubted anyone in 13th century Pisa had seen such a bold fashion statement before. The tower continued to lean in the background.

Finally, Giles and Corey settled down, each in a pocket of her trench coat. Mattie breathed a sigh of relief, which only got halfway out of her before she was sucking it back in as the old lady from across the street began to approach her.

“Young lady.”

Mattie smiled sheepishly. “Hello, ma’am. Is everything alright?”

The lady looked mildly amused. “I couldn’t help but notice your two cats going mysteriously close to the tower before it started collapsing. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“Oh, no, ma’am. My cats are very well behaved.” Giles gave a resounding yelp at exactly the wrong time. A hiss from Corey echoed from the opposite pocket.

“Well,” the lady grinned, “If that’s the case, why don’t you leave the animals with me? You seem fairly preoccupied with the tower - perhaps you can try and assist its reconstruction?” She held out a hand.

Mattie thought for a moment and then handed across the two cats. “Thank you ever so much, ma’am. I’ll try and be quick.” The woman nodded and Mattie sped across the square to the drastically swaying tower.

When she arrived back at the woman’s table, there was a second lady in animated conversation with her. As Mattie approached, she stood up to take her leave, pressing a kiss to the first lady’s hair as she left. Something was definitely fruity there.

“All fixed!”

“I’m glad.” The woman nudged the cats back to their owner, looking intensely over Mattie’s shoulder to the stabilised tower. “It certainly looks sturdier.”

“I should hope so.”

The woman narrowed her eyes. “Sometimes,” she said, staring pointedly at an area on the structure, “I think about crabs.”

“Oh?” Mattie tilted her head. “Do you?”

“Yes. And often when I think about crabs, I think that they shouldn’t be in Pisa, and they most definitely should not be crawling over the tower.”

Mattie gasped and followed her gaze, muttering curses under her breath. “I didn’t realise I’d brought a whole crab with me! I thought I’d taken the sea life off the rocks!”

The woman chuckled. “You seem to be a strange character. Child, where on Earth did you find not only rocks large enough to support a tower, but also a live crab in Pisa?”

Accepting her fate, Mattie decided to tell the truth. “They’re from Egypt.” At the woman’s questioning look, she expanded, “I’m a traveller of sorts.”

“Oh. Well, child, you’re a gift of a traveller. Brightened my day. Italy these days is far too serious. Maybe we should put more crabs on the leaning tower, huh?”

Tucking her cats back into their respective pockets, Mattie allowed herself to laugh. “Maybe we should.” With a nod and a smile, she wandered off, eagerly awaiting her portal.

“Why were you in Egypt anyway?” Eva asked as Mattie recounted yet another of her time-travel-gone-wrong experiences.

“Library of Alexandria.”

“Oh, yeah, because that explains so much.”

“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes. “It was 48 BC, Caesar was burning shit, this random Roman dude set fire to the library.” She pulled a book out of her backpack. “I saved this and stashed away a few of the slabs of rock. And apparently a crab.”

Eva took the book in awe. “Jesus Christ… This thing is, like, thousands of years old…”

“I know, right? Weird.” She watched as Eva flicked through the pages, tracing her finger over certain words or illustrations. “But it was such a beautiful library, I couldn’t let it just burn. So, I retaliated. Burnt the house of the soldier who set the original flame.”

“Mattie!”

She shrugged. “Setting someone’s house on fire is a survival skill.”

“Oh my God.”

“I would have done something more dramatic, but I had to get home. I had a cake which would need to come out of the oven.”

Eva laughed, the sound echoing around the empty classroom. They were skiving class again, this time PE, the one class they had which coincidentally fell at the same time for both year groups. “How are you so normal in school, but so badass when you time travel?”

“I dunno. All I can say is that cake and spite are my only motivators.”

“You’re like a superhero. ‘Time Travelling Mattie: The Only One Who Can Lead A Dual Life Successfully’!!!”

Mattie blushed, shrugging. She definitely needed to take Eva with her one day. A superhero duo. “Okay, that name needs some work. How about: ‘Sanchez And Wheeler, The Ultimate Time Travelling Duo’?”

“I think I like the sound of that.”

“Yeah?”

Eva nodded, shaking her hand like they were signing a business contract. “Yeah.”

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amanda-glassen · 3 years

Note

spooky/autumn Jerena prompt: Jamie and Serena’s first Halloween together

This isn't exactly Halloween night, but it's their first October together. I know these are supposed to be drabbles so I'm sorry that this turned out to be over 2,000 words.

The best summer of Jamie’s life had come to an end. With Serena having summers off, it gave them an opportunity to spend every moment of their free time together－as long as Serena was home by the time the streetlights went on. Now that Olivia was 11, she was allowed to go for bike rides with her best friend Elliot and have other outside adventures with her friends without parental supervision the entire summer; however, just as Serena had a summer curfew, so did Olivia. Jamie had yet to meet Serena’s daughter, but it warmed her heart to hear Serena talk about her.

She had met Serena in late April and, although they had been seeing each other for five months now, she still found herself in disbelief that Serena was really hers to kiss whenever she wanted. Jamie admired how intelligent and sophisticated she was－mixing designer labels with vintage finds and always looking straight out of a magazine with perfectly applied makeup and not a strand of hair out of place. Serena had traveled to more places before age five than she had in her entire life and Jamie loved hearing stories about the places she had been and even the stories about her day-to-day life as a professor. Jamie was in awe of this woman and, it was during a picnic in the park one summer afternoon, that Jamie realized she was in love with this woman－even if she wasn’t officially her girlfriend yet.

She hadn’t heard much from Serena throughout the past week and Jamie had chocked it up to Serena being busy with work and Olivia’s after school activities now that the summer was over. Olivia was her priority and Jamie was never upset about Serena having to cancel a date because Olivia wasn’t feeling well or she had a last-minute emergency, but with Serena cancelling a second date, Jamie worried she had done something to upset her.

Jamie was ready to apologize even if she wasn’t sure what to apologize for, so she picked up some flowers and made her way over to Serena’s apartment. She was going over unannounced and she wasn’t sure if Serena would be receptive, but she didn’t care. She missed her and, if there was a possibility that she was sick, Jamie wanted to be the one to take care of her.

Jamie knocked on the door, flowers in hand, ready to surprise her, but when Serena opened the door it was Jamie that received the surprise of her life.

She looked wide-eyed at the woman who answered the door in black sweatpants and a Texas Chainsaw Massacre hoodie. Her curly hair was in a messy ponytail, but the icing on the cake were the black framed glasses and retainer she was wearing. “Serena?”

Serena looked at her in absolute terror before motioning for her to come in. She hadn’t said a word regardless of how much Jamie tried to talk to her. Instead she reached for her phone and texted, “Have a seat. I’ll be right back.”

Jamie looked around at the Halloween decor in Serena’s apartment. She had expected her Halloween decorations to look like the ones she saw in magazines－minimalist and classy. Instead she saw fake blood smeared in random places, some demonic-looking statue in the corner, and the crowning jewel: a replica of Leatherface’s chainsaw with the words ‘The Saw is Family’ engraved on it. It may not have had a chain on it but it still scared the hell out of Jamie. Who is this woman?

Serena was gone for a little over a minute, but when she came back, Jamie noticed she was no longer wearing her glasses and retainer. She cuddled up to Jamie on the couch, wrapping an arm around her waist and resting her head on her shoulder. “Thanks for the flowers.” They were now lying next to the chainsaw and Jamie found the contrast between the two funny.

“Oh, now you’re talking to me,” Jamie teased. “I’m curious though. How would ‘thanks for the flowers’ sound with your retainer?”

Serena playfully pinched Jamie’s side. “When you’re dating a woman, you’re supposed to warn her before you come over. You don’t just drop by unannounced, but now that you’ve seen my true form, I’m going to have to kill you.”

Jamie looked around. “Judging by all the blood everywhere, I doubt I’m the first person you’ve killed today. Is that why you didn’t text me back this morning? Too busy hiding the body?”

“Dismembering it in the bathtub,” Serena said nonchalantly. “I guess you can say it’s a regular bloodbath in there.”

Jamie couldn’t help rolling her eyes, especially when she saw how pleased Serena looked with herself. “I’m trying not to humor you because I know it’ll only encourage you, but I can’t get over this.”

“Get over what?”

“How you look right now.” Jamie leaned in to kiss her. “I know you’re usually immaculately dressed but I like this version of you. You’re so relaxed and cute. Where’s Olivia? I hope I’m not ruining some mother/daughter time.”

“She’s at a sleepover with some girls from her volleyball team. I just broke our date because I felt like being alone today.”

“Oh,” Jamie tried to hide her disappointment. “I can go. I was just worried that－”

“No, don’t,” Serena interrupted her. “I haven’t been in the best mindset and I think it’d be better if you were here with me.”

What she was going through, Jamie didn’t know, but those big hazel eyes pleading with her to stay, there was no way Jamie was going to leave her. “Of course, baby. I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

Jamie didn’t know what they’d spend the rest of their time doing, but she decided to let Serena take the lead. It was early October and, although it wouldn’t last until Halloween, Serena decided it was time for them to carve pumpkins. Jamie used a scooper, but when she looked over at Serena she noticed her scooper was untouched and she was taking out the insides with her bare hands.

“I love the feeling of pumpkin guts,” Serena told her and Jamie had to admit she looked adorable with her hands all slimy and full of seeds and pumpkin insides, so adorable that she became distracted and touched her fingertips to a small knife they used for carving instead of a scooper.

“Ow!” Jamie immediately rushed over to the sink to rinse the blood.

“Let me get you a Band-Aid.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jamie insisted once she realized how she must look right now. She had always tried to be tough around Serena, but she could no longer hide that blood made her squeamish.

Serena rushed over to wrap her arms around her from behind. “You’re squeamish, aren’t you?”

“No,” Jamie scoffed, but she could tell Serena wasn’t buying it. “Yes, a little. Judging by your decor, I take it blood doesn’t bother you.”

“Not really,” Serena led her back to the table. “I’m the mother of a tomboy. Olivia is always coming home with some type of new injury. Plus, I was a really rambunctious kid, myself.”

“You?” Jamie asked in disbelief. “I don’t believe it.”

Serena lifted up one of the legs of her sweatpants just slightly above the knee. “This looks way smaller than it did when I was 10, but I got this from falling off a skateboard.”

“You know how to skate?”

“No,” Serena rolled her pant leg down. “Hence the scar.”

“Okay, I got one for you,” Jamie lifted the hem of her t-shirt a few inches. “My cousins and I were taking turns pushing each other in a shopping cart and we were going so fast that it toppled over and that’s how I got this scar.”

“Impressive,” Serena smiled at her. “I love a woman who walks on the wild side.” She took off her hoodie and pointed out a round scar on her arm that Jamie had seen before but never asked how she had gotten it. “I got this from a roman candle on the fourth of July when I pretended to be the Statue of Liberty.”

“Your parents let you play with fireworks as a kid?”

“Not exactly,” Serena chuckled. “It was three years ago and I was drunk off my ass.”

They continued trying to one-up each other until Jamie noticed a deep horizontal scar on Serena’s left wrist. Serena usually wore a watch or bracelets and, because she didn’t want to get it ruined by the ‘pumpkin guts’ she had taken it off. She had told Jamie stories about skateboarding, pretending to be the Statue of Liberty and the many scars she had gotten from performing her own Jackass stunts with her siblings when they were in middle school, so Jamie knew this deep scar had to have a good story to go along with it. She’s probably saving the best for last. Jamie gently grabbed Serena’s wrist and pointed out the scar. “What’s this one from, babe?”

“Jamie, stop,” Serena mumbled, trying to pull her wrist away.

“Can I take a guess?”

“Stop!” Serena forcefully pulled her wrist away from Jamie’s grasp and rolled her sleeve down. “I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I think you should go home.”

She had never seen Serena upset before and Jamie didn’t know how to react. She was covering her face with her hands, but Jamie could tell she was crying. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Get out!” Serena yelled. “I don’t want to see you anymore!”

But Jamie didn’t leave her. Instead, she walked over to Serena and sat down in the chair next to her. “I’m not going to touch you until you give me permission to and if you really want me to leave I’ll leave.”

Serena reached for her hand and Jamie noticed the pleading look in her eyes. “Please don’t leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Jamie laid on the couch with Serena on top of her. The woman who was so vibrant just moments ago now looked so fragile and all Jamie wanted to do was hold her for as long as she’d allow.

“Girls aren’t supposed to do it this way.”

“What, baby?” Jamie asked as she caressed her back.

“I heard it on some stupid TV show that girls take pills and boys slit their wrists. I was 13. I didn’t know how to swallow pills yet. The only way I could swallow pills was if my mom put them in ice cream. This seemed like the logical alternative.”

“Babe, you don’t have to answer this,” Jamie gently caressed her. “But, what was the－”

“You’re going to ask what my reason was,” Serena interrupted her. “I’ll tell you that in time. For now, I’ll just say something happened to me repeatedly when I was 13 and I felt like this was the only way to get him to stop. My brother Kyle was the one who found me. He was only 11 and it took years for him to get the image out of his mind. I’ll never forgive myself for the damage I caused him.”

“Baby, no,” Jamie tried to hold back her own tears. “I’m sure he’s just glad you’re okay. I’m sure we all are. Is there anything I can do to make it all better for you?”

Serena lifted her head up so she could kiss Jamie’s tears. “I’m okay now, Jay. I promise. It takes me awhile to open up. Sometimes I live inside my head and need to be alone, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I have my family, my career, my Olliegator who is my entire world, and now I have you. I know the pace I’ve set for us is slow, but I want to be your girlfriend someday if you still want me to be.”

“There’s no one I’d rather have as a future girlfriend. We can take as much time as you need. I’ll always be here for you.”

Jamie spent the rest of the night holding her as they watched movies and talked. The woman she had gotten to know over the summer was just an act because she thought she had to be perfect, but that day she met the real Serena and, as she fell asleep in her arms, Jamie knew without a doubt that this was the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

#jerena #alex and liv: the wonder years

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thetirisfaltheatretroupe · 3 years

Text

Big Troupe Announcements! Big Troupe Summer!

Hello, everyone! Lord Atos Sunhart here! For those of you who aren’t aware, Fehl had stepped down last year from Troupe related duties due to her own life becoming much more demanding, and so I returned to the director’s seat once again. I’ve been back for about a year, but we’ve kind of laid a little low since my return due to a lot of restructuring and our desire to try a few new ideas out that are coming along slowly but surely!

We have some awesome projects in the works, some of which won’t be ready for some time, and some that we’re excited to bring you much sooner! But we can’t QUITE open the curtains for a peek just yet. Before anything, I’d like to make a series of announcements about some of our projects this Summer, starting with the most important one of all:

The Troupe Is Casting!

Looking at some of the last posts made on this ye olde tumblr I guess it’s not a surprise that the troupe is indeed casting once more. In the past, it was due to not really having enough active people to pull off a large show with, but now, times have changed a bit, and we’re looking for people to make our shows even better and more frequent than ever!

What we’re looking for;

* Any race/gender/faction! Yes, we hire Alliance as well! In the era of Discord and cross faction RP, there’s no reason we have not to. Though, we are overloaded on elves at the moment and would kinda love a tauren or any Alliance character

* Obviously the character should be a good fit for the group! We’re not really looking for a serial murderer warlock who tries to sacrifice our members to the great Murloc Gods at the first chance they get. We’re not too picky here, but there are some characters that just don’t work terribly well with our concept.

* Available to take part in events during most of our performing days, which tend to be weekends, starting around 6:00 PM server. We base all our event times on server time.

* Someone who, behind the character, is friendly, patient, and above all else, mature. The clear rule of “don’t be an asshole” applies in this guild (and I’ll explain what that means below), and we have a zero drama tolerance policy. We are all adults who pay a monthly subscription to a greedy corporation to play with their toys, I think the last thing we want is to relive middle school in our 20s and 30s.

* Someone with a desire to help make memorable, exciting events for others to enjoy. While we play the part of celebrities, and being in the spotlight is a lot of fun, ultimately we want someone who, behind the character at least, does it for the enjoyment of others and not for personal gain or clout. We’re not clout chasers. We are proud of how long we’ve been performing and how hard we work, but ultimately we do this for our audience’s enjoyment.

* Communication is important! We aren’t a hardcore raiding guild, and thus we won’t be upset if you tell us you have to miss a rehearsal night or have a family emergency.. But if you know ahead of time, we really want someone who will let us know they can’t make it to an event so we can plan around it.

Furthermore, it should be said that while we normally do not require a person leave their guild to join us, this time around we’re looking for more to wear the guild tag above their heads, at least for this recruitment effort. Above all of these, the most important key point is the ‘don’t be an asshole’ policy. In the past I didn’t think it needed to be explained, but things we’ve been through in recent months compels me to explain what I mean by this; no homophobic behavior, racist behavior, transphobic behavior, harassment, pedophilia and other such illegal and morally vile behavior will be tolerated in our guild, period. But I’m sure you’re asking, what’s in it for me? Well, the benefits of working with the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe are, but not limited to;

* Being part of a near decade-old (8 years this October) guild that through thick and thin has stood the test of time!

* Working alongside some extremely talented, fun, humorous, and creative minds!

* Getting to make people smile and be a positive part of the community!

* Taco Tuesdays. This is a lie, don’t believe me.

* Helping an already fun concept become even better as we grow and adapt to the ever changing nature of this game and its community!

* Adding “Actor/Actress” to your long series of titles in your TRP Profile. Maybe somewhere between “Lord of the Dance” and “Wrecker of your Shit”! Don’t be bashful, we know you have it in there somewhere.

So if you’re interested in being a part of the stage and bringing the uniqueness that is YOU into our ranks, please send an in-game mail to Atos on Wyrmrest Accord server (Hordeside), or show up for the open auditions at the dates, times, and location listed below;

Thursday, June 3rd 6:00 - 8:30 PM Portrait Room - Legion Dalaran

Friday, June 4th 6:00 - 8:30 PM Portrait Room - Legion Dalaran

Saturday, June 5th 6:00 - 8:30 PM Portrait Room - Legion Dalaran

We hope to see you there! And remember, because we’ve had this happen a few times; if you think you aren’t good enough, you’re probably actually amazing and far more talented than you think!

Anniversary Bash 2021 Officially Planned! With a Twist

Those of you who have followed us for some time are likely aware of our annual celebration we hold on the anniversary of our first major public performance! This has traditionally been held on the third Friday of every October, so that it lines up perfectly with Hallow’s End starting. While we have had on-off years, and even said in the past we would never do it again (Insert I was crazy that time meme here), it’s pretty clear that at least every other year we seem to take to it again with new ideas. Honestly, we LOVE these yearly parties, despite how much stress they put us under, and we’re going to announce it earlier this year just so people know; yes, yes there WILL be a bash this year!

Things are going to be a little different this year, though. This October will actually have 5 Fridays in it due to...well...the calendar! It conspires against us, dammit! Because the third Friday falls in place before the Hallow’s End events are set to start, we will instead be bumping it up one week to the 22nd. So, there you have it! Our Big Bash will be on the 22nd of October! We’ll be making a full announcement about it later this Summer, and honestly, I think folks are going to really like the fun we have planned for it. So if this is something you’re looking forward to early, or you just like making sure your calendar events are always filled out, please make a mark for

October 22nd, 2021!

Hellsqueal Squeals Again, Plus Winter’s Veil In July?

This Summer we’ll be getting back to our roots and bringing Hellsqueal back for another round. The Trilogy will rise again, and you won’t want to miss it! This time we’ll be performing it for our audiences on both sides of the factional fence and making some revisions to the script, but long time fans needn’t worry! Hellscream is still the same boisterous buffoon he’s always been.

Also, we’re bringing you an interesting new concept no one has EVER thought of before! ...well, okay, that’s a lie, but Greatfather Winter needn’t send me a lump of coal in my in-game mailbox for that one! The TTT will be hosting a Winter’s Veil themed party IN JULY! Don your gaudy sweaters, get ready to meet Greatfather Winter, take part in a sled race, and get ready to watch a completely out of season showing of It’s A Wonderful Unlife! Some lucky attendees may even receive a gift! The date for this and for Hellsqueal’s trilogy are yet to be announced, but they will be unveiled very soon!

Even though we never left, it feels good to be back at full strength again and pushing hard to give everyone the quality entertainment we pride ourselves on! Keep an eye out for our announcements this Summer - we’ll be hitting not only Tumblr when an event is ready to go, but the Blizzard forums and various Discord community servers! So please, have a fantastic day, week, month, even a year!

#tttevents #Wyrmrest Accord #WRA RP #Wow Rp #Hordeside events #alliance rp

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