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i-hate-what-ive-done · 1 year

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Hey, I’m recovering from anorexia, you should too. Do not scroll away, you need to here this.

(Tw for the tags, ignore them. I just needed reach.)

Imagine waking up 5 weeks from now, still starving. Still dying. Still su1c1dal and depressed. You can see yourself like that, can’t you? Fine, but what about 5 weeks from now? 5 months? You won’t be alive by 5 years if you keep starving and self distrusting. This disorder will kill you, and do not say “good, I want that” because that is not you saying that. That is your disorder.

I understand you, and we are sick. Your thinking you’re just becoming healthy, you think you’re becoming worthy and lovable, you think you’re becoming beautiful and handsome. Well you are wrong. You have always been healthy, beautiful, handsome, lovable and worthy. This disorder is making you believe you never felt/were these things so it can make you believe that happiness/beauty/worth/control=skinny. Anorexia is a sick, twisted liar. It is not your friend. It dose not make you feel good.

Anorexia lingers before and after it’s truly here. It will shame your food, clothes, hobbies and family until you break and crumble into anorexias arms. Anorexia not only hurts you, but everyone around you too. Have you noticed how distant you and your friends are? Your family? Yourself? Anorexia thrives in isolation. It will make you angry and sad so you lash out at people, it will make you fear having fun with others, it will torment you and the people you love. It is hard to recover because anorexia is trying to break you just like before.

Are your grades dropping? Is your work becoming sloppy on the job? Do your sentences make sense? Obviously not, you are dying. Your body dosent have the energy to make you function properly. Your organs are failing, your heart is slowing down, your brain is malfunctioning. How many damn times must I say this? You are dying. You have something to live for, a sibling, a pet, a friend, a unfulfilled wish, work, graduation, hobbies, getting better at something, trying something new and even recovery. Do not let this pathetic parasite kill you.

Asking for help is horrifying, sometimes dangerous, but recovery is possible. You need to recover, you are thin enough, you are sick enough, you have been hurt enough. It’s time to live. So take that little energy you have left and get help. I’m doing recovery on my own, so if solo recovery works for you then that’s okay, as long as your recovering. Killing anorexia isn’t just eating a fear food or eating when your hungry, though. Recovery is embracing every insecurity, seeing where this truly started, healing our relationship with food, family, our body and how people have treated us. It will hurt and you will relive every trauma that started this, and it will be hard to not relapse when this time comes, but listen to me and not the voice screaming.

Recovery is worth every ounce of pain. Your fear, your guilt, your trauma’s? all gone. It will never disappear, but it will become a better memory. It won’t hurt to remember. It won’t hurt to be alive. I’m sorry this has happened to us, I love you. Never give up, hope is not gone, recovery is waiting for you on the other side. You are ready.

(national suicide prevention hotline.) 1-800-273-TALK

(national eating disorder hotline) 1-800-931-2237

(National alliance on mental illness) 1-800-950-NAMI

(Anorexia and related eating disorder hotline) 1-888-375-7767

(Substance abuse and mental health hotline.) 1-800-662-HELP

(National domestic violence hotline.) 800-799-7233

(National sexual abuse hotline.) 1-800-656-4673

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jadesghosts · 8 months

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i wanna look so sick random people are concerned about me!!

#thin$po #thinspø #tw ed recovery #ana trigger #ed bllog #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #i will be thinner #tw ana diary #tw ana fast #urge to purge #pro purge #purge tips #ana meal #ana rant #analog #tw ana shit #dieta ana

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incubicide · 7 months

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a deeply unfriendly reminder that the fact that you have an ED is not an excuse to be a fatphobic piece of shit :)

you don’t like their body? don’t look. dont comment on it, dont poke fun of it, fucking ignore it. all you’re doing is wasting hot air and fueling your stupid fucking superiority complex for momentary clout to fill the gaping void in your empty soul and stomach.

i don’t CARE if you hate your own fat. i don’t CARE if you’re anti-recovery. your illness is not an excuse to be a bitch. you worry about your body and your body alone; and at this rate, your attitude as well.

or preferably, kys if you use fatspo and/or harass plus sized people :)

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fatliberation · 9 months

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When We Leave NEDA Behind, Where do We Go?

A Guide by Sharon Maxwell @heysharonmaxwell

NEDA has a long history of harming the communities it is supposed to serve. As we #leaveNEDAbehind, I encourage you to follow the following ED orgs who are committed to serving and supporting ALL folks with eating disorders.

The National Alliance for Eating Disorders

The National Alliance for Eating Disorders (“The Alliance”) is the leading national non-profit organization providing education, referrals, and support for all individuals experiencing eating disorders, as well as their loved ones. The Alliance’s services include:

Educational presentations and training days

Free, weekly therapist-led support groups nationwide (virtual and in-person) for those experiencing eating disorders and for their loved ones

Support and referrals through both a free helpline and comprehensive referral website/app

Direct, low-cost, life-saving, outpatient treatment to underinsured and uninsured adults in the south Florida community.

Unique and empowering Southern Smash scale smashing events and SmashTALK panel discussions.

@alliancefored | #notonemore | allianceforeatingdisorders.com

Project HEAL

Project HEAL (Help to Eat, Accept, and Live)’s mission is to break down systemic, healthcare, and financial barriers to eating disorder healing. Project Heal’s goal is to change the systems and, in the meantime, to provide life-saving support to people with eating disorders who the systems fail.

Project HEAL’s services include:

For those unsure of the next step in their eating disorder healing journey, Project HEAL provides free, impartial Clinical Assessments, followed by a comprehensive report with diagnosis, clinical recommendation, and referrals.

For those struggling to access treatment through their insurance, Project HEAL’s Insurance Navigation Program helps individuals understand their often confusing benefits and advocate on their behalf to get their treatment covered.

Project HEAL connects people to free Treatment Placements through the HEALers Circle, a national network of facilities and providers at every level of care. They also offer paid scholarships with providers with shared identities.

Project HEAL offers one-time Cash Assistance grants of $500-$1,500 to individuals who are unable to afford tertiary costs related to their treatment, i.e., housing and travel costs or insurance deductibles.

Crisis Textline: text HEALING to 741741 | www.theprojectheal.org

FEDUP

FEDUP (Fighting Eating Disorders in Underrepresented Populations) is a collective of trans+, intersex, and gender diverse people who believe eating disorders in marginalized communities are social justice issues. FEDUP’s mission is to make visible, interrupt, and undermine the disproportionately high incidence of eating disorders in trans and gender diverse individuals through radical community healing, recovery institution reform, research, empowerment, and education. FEDUP’s services include:

Support groups: FEDUP Closed Support Group for Gender-Diverse Folx, Support Group for Caregivers and Loved Ones of Trans & Intersex People With Eating Disorders, and Closed Support Group for QTBIPOC With Eds

Listing of FEDUP approved providers of therapy, counseling, nutrition services, and recovery coaches

Educational content about eating disorders

A conference for researchers, advocates, and clinicians in the eating disorder field where all attendees are empowered to participate, share their expertise, and learn from one another so that they can incorporate approaches that work - for our patients, our communities, and ourselves

@fedupcollective | fedupcollective.org

Nalgona Positivity Pride

Nalgona Positivity Pride is an unconventional eating disorder awareness organization that shines a light on the often-overlooked societal factors that perpetuate unrealistic and oppressive beauty and health standards. NPP offers a vial space for BIPOC to celebrate and embrace their bodies and identities. Nalgona Positivity Pride’s services include:

Education, such as public speaking services for universities, mental health and eating disorder organizations, and more as well as social media content

Consulting services for eating disorder providers and women of color entrepreneurs, including social media, branding, and event planning. Also, size diversity, creating eating disorder informed media, eating disorder harm reduction

An eating disorder harm reduction hub, including The EDHR Course and The EDHR Harm Reduction Community Services

2 eating disorder support groups: Sage and Spoon and The Eating Disorder Harm Reduction Community Circle

@nalgonapositivitypride | nalgonapositivitypride.com

Body Reborn

Body Reborn is a restorative space for people of color with disordered eating.

Body Reborn’s services include:

The Healing Collaborative - A free 8-week program for people of color. The program consists of three pillars: (1) Body Liberation, (2) Peer Support, and (3) Lifelong Community.

A non-hierarchical, discussion-driven conference that centers experiences of marginalized people in eating disorder care

@bodyreborn | bodyreborn.org

MEDA

MEDA (Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association) is dedicated to the prevention and compassionate treatment of eating disorders, so that every body has access to recovery and support. MEDA’s services include:

Assessments to individual therapy and groups, tailored treatment referrals. to hight levels of care, skill sessions to hels reach meal and snack goals, and 24/7/365 community available

The Sooner the Better helps communities learn the signs and symptoms of disordered eating, exercise, and body image.

MEDA offers presentations from a skilled mental health clinician on a variety of topics including Body Confidence, Eating Disorders, and Promoting Positive Body Culture in Your Schools and Homes.

MEDA also offers high-level clinical trainings for professionals working with eating disorders whether it is in the field of medicine, mental health, or education.

Annual national conference bringing over 275 people together to discuss the latest in eating disorder research and therapies

“Networking with a Purpose” meetings where clinicians come together to learn about specific aspects of treatment

Two graduate clinical interns are trained at MEDA every year, where they are supervised by clinicians and work directly with clients and loved ones.

@recoverwithmeda | medainc.org

ANAD

ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) provides free peer support to anyone struggling with an eating disorder. ANAD’s services include:

Eating Disorder Peer Support Groups

Recovery Mentorship Program offering free eating disorder support online for those who struggle with eating disorders but are motivated to recover. ANAD mentors are people who have walked the difficult road to recovery from their eating disorder and are recovered for at least 2 years.

Eating Disorder Treatment Directory

ANAD Approach Guides are designed to educate and “guide” its community on a wide range of topics, such as caregiving, pregnancy, binge eating, and navigating life after treatment.

@anadhelp | anad.org

heysharonmaxwell.com | #leaveNEDAbehind

#fuck NEDA #leavnedabehind #eating disorder recovery #ed recovery #tw ed recovery #tw ed

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dionysianchub · 4 months

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Did your family comment on your weight? Or how much you were stuffing yourself?

I've actually cut ties with the members of my family that would make me feel bad about my weight, and actually the family I'm with is all on the larger side as well so they'd never judge me. The only comment my aunt has made was actually to my partner when we visited a few months ago. She noticed I was getting chubby and eating a lot more freely and... Plentifully 😂 So she pulled him aside and asked how I felt about my weight, if I was down on myself at all - since she knows I used to struggle with EDs and self esteem - and she was apparently really happy to hear that I was happy with my body. I think she's happy to see me have a good relationship with food and enjoying myself since I spent most of my life counting calories (or worse) and tearing myself down. It's really nice to feel supported in just being me. 🥰

#weight gain #tw ed recovery

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supersaltyvoid · 11 months

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how is it fair that they made me this way but i’m the one who has to deal with it

#tw depressing thoughts #self destruction #tw self h@rm #im alone #depression relapse #self h@rm #kinda depressing #i am alone #styroblr #tw ed recovery

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aphroditestummyrolls · 9 months

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The world is a beautiful place. I want to skin myself, but oh my god, at least there’s quiet bookshop cafes and rainbow flags still hanging in the street and I get to make cupcakes for my job. At least there’s that.

#chewing glass #tw body image #tw self hatred #tw ed recovery

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bigdumbbambieyes · 2 years

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because I adore the possibility of a Billy & Chrissy friendship and believe that they deserve to heal together, in all aspects

hurt/comfort and mentions of ED below

I want a post-S3 Billy who is moved out of the ICU once he stabilizes from his Mindflayer injuries and moves into a regular inpatient room, where he finds out that he’s going to be sharing it with none other than Chrissy Cunningham for the next few weeks.

It’s awkward between them, at first. She’s a pretty girl and Billy instinctively wants to peacock, to make her want him because that’s what he’s conditioned himself to do, but the ugly truth is that he looks and feels like utter shit, so he doesn’t bother.

He says that he knows of her from school. He knows that she’s a cheerleader and that he hates her annoying boyfriend, Jason, because he’s a total asswipe. She mentions hearing about Billy and his reputation, about how he’s gone out with a couple of her friends, and that she’s sorry to hear about what happened at Starcourt. She’s sorry. As if she had anything to do with it.

Billy figures that she’s too kind for her own good. Too soft. He doesn’t know why she’s with Jason in the first place and she agrees, much to his surprise. They cheers their water cups when Chrissy tells him that she broke up with Jason a few weeks ago, when school was out, but she doesn’t say why.

She doesn’t even say why she’s there. There’s no casts, no injuries, no stitches. But, he sees her and there’s no hiding the truth. He sees the bags under her eyes, the thinness of her body, the IV drip at her bedside. He doesn’t ask about the tube in her nose that hooks over her ear to pump nutrition into her stomach. Doesn’t ask about why her hair looks so thin and dull. Doesn’t ask about her sharp cheekbones. Doesn’t ask about why she can’t just eat. Eating’s easy.

Eventually, after a few days, he lets his guard down around her - this soft-spoken girl who trembles like a leaf in the wind when she’s cold. With Chrissy, there is no threat. No need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone else, and she feels the same way.

He doesn’t understand her struggle until she tells him, one cool night in August, a few weeks after he was first wheeled into the room. The hospital is chillier than usual and she has at least five blankets on, along with the Hawkins Cheer cardigan she’s bundled up in - the thing almost swallowing her whole. The nurse is down the hall so it’s just the two of them, the curtain between their beds pulled back so Billy can hear and see her perfectly. She tells him about her mother. About the comments she’s endured her whole life. About the competitiveness of her sport. About the expectations that are literally killing her to live up to.

She has big, fat crocodile tears in those doe eyes of hers and Billy’s stomach twists with unease.

Because he’s burned up a lot of his anger during his time under the Mindflayer’s control. That thing used his rage like coal in a fire, made him push himself further and harder, no matter how much he wanted to give up and stop. And now that the emotion he’s used to is gone, diminished, it leaves room for others. Things like empathy. And he feels it for Chrissy, burning like his rage used to.

He isn’t sure why he tells her about Neil. Mumbles that his father is a piece of shit, like her mother. Tells her that his mom left when he was a kid, that she never came back for him, no matter how hard he cried and begged over the phone. He says that maybe his dad is worse than her mom, thinking it would make her feel a little better.

But she tells him that it’s not a competition, that there was no comfort in hearing of other people’s misery, and he likes that. Likes that she’s gentle despite the harshness in her brain. Sorta like how Billy didn’t want to hurt anyone when there was a monster in his. He also likes that Chrissy won’t take shit, in her own way - she can speak up for herself when the other person is being unfair, even if her voice is quiet.

And she’s right, he realizes. He finally has someone who understands what it’s like to be uneasy in the places that are meant to be safe. That shared empathy breaks down their walls - fast. They stay up late and have quiet conversations, about any and everything. How Billy wants to fix shit with his little sister. How Chrissy wants to feel in control of herself. How they’ve wanted to run away and never look back, but never did.

They get visitors, too. Sometimes. Chrissy receives flowers from her cheer squad, ‘get well’ cards from her teachers, balloons from her cousin. What is most surprising, though, is Eddie Munson. He shows up a few times, saying hi to Billy in passing before pulling the curtain shut. Billy tries not to overhear but it’s hard not to. Chrissy and Eddie talk quietly and happily, like they’ve been friends for a long time.

When he asks about it later, she reveals that they reconnected not long ago. Before she got admitted to the hospital, in fact. She’d been desperate to escape her own mind and knew that Eddie dealt, so they met in the woods behind the school and, well…Billy wasn’t one for romance but he thinks it’s sweet. The drug dealing freak with the cheerleader? Yeah, that was perfect. Like something out of a goddamn movie.

The blush on her face says it all, but she’s quick to point out the way Billy would fix his hair whenever Max came in with a quiet Steve Harrington behind her. He tells her to shut up, that it means nothing, but she promises that she doesn’t judge him for it. He denies and denies because it’s complicated, okay? He and Steve weren’t on good terms and probably would never be now that Harrington graduated. Chrissy tells him that it’s not too late and he tugs the curtain shut, not wanting to talk about it anymore. No, instead, he thinks well into the morning - feels the fear and anger and guilt of that night at the Byers all over again. The next morning, he tries to apologize and Chrissy is understanding, as she always is. Sweet and smiling in that special way she does, and it soothes his anxiety like nothing else.

Eventually, they get better. Chrissy gets her refeeding tube removed and begins to eat small meals, which Billy supports her through. They take bites at the same time and chew carefully, because he knows she needs this, that she appreciates it. And he knows she does because the first time they’d shared a meal like that, she reached over to grab and hold his hand tightly as they chewed a piece of toast.

And as he helps and supports her, Chrissy does the same for him. His physical therapy is hell - he sweats and curses as he does his exercises in his hospital bed, the movements slow and meaningful. Chrissy quietly cheers him on from her own bed, clapping with a smile when he finishes his reps. He jokes that this is nothing, that he has weights to lift at home, and realizes that it won’t be like this for much longer. It makes him anxious.

Chrissy goes home first, a week before Billy does. The night before, he gets up and goes to sit on her bed, catching sight of her pale face in the moonlight. She’s scared. Doesn’t want to go. And he holds her hand as he watches her quietly, trying to think of something to say to Chrissy - his friend. Comforting someone is new to him, so it takes him a while, but when he does think of something, he mutters it: “I’ll see you at school. You won’t be alone.”

And that makes her smile.

When he’s out of the hospital, Max and Steve are there to pick him up. He’s not sure why Harrington has become Max’s personal chauffeur, and asks him that as he climbs into the passenger seat of the red Beamer. Steve shrugs, Max from the back seat saying something about him not being that for much longer, and Billy’s confused - until they’re driving up Cherry Lane and his Camaro is sitting out front, fixed with noticeable paint scratches and dents, but it roars to life just like before. Just like him.

He doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know why Steve would do this, until Harrington mutters ‘Starcourt’ and yeah, that would explain it. He can recall that accident outside the mall, when he’d been deep under the Mindflayer’s control, and a pretty boy in a pretty car had smashed into the side of his Camaro. Maybe Billy’s guilt isn’t misplaced, maybe Steve felt it, too, in his own way. Because Billy had sacrificed himself for these people, thinking it would be the last thing he ever did, some sort of fucking repentance.

And maybe it was. Now they’re on equal footing again. So, he mutters his thanks. And Steve gives him a small, tight smile that makes his chest ache.

The following Monday, Billy picks Chrissy up from her place and drives them to school. She has a smile as she walks down to the Camaro, her cheeks flushed with health, and she tells him that she had a full bowl of Cheerios for breakfast. And a banana. He’s proud of her and tells her so with a small smile.

When they pull into the parking lot, people stare. They whisper and gossip, because they all know that they had been in the hospital. Word spreads fast around Hawkins when it had nothing to do with secret government experiments and otherworldly monsters. But, two sick kids? Missing out on their entire summer and showing up together on the first day of school? Sure. Let them talk.

Chrissy worries and Billy tells her not to, because fuck them. They know what they’ve been through, nobody else does, and it’s nobody’s goddamn business but their own.

She agrees and glances over at the entrance, sees Eddie there with his little black lunchbox. She smiles and straightens her back as she says that ‘86 is going to be her year. And Billy believes it. A whole year to start fresh. Mend what’s been broken, like how the wounds on his torso have scarred over, his skin thicker than before.

He thinks that maybe it’ll be his year, too, when he sees Steve dropping off Robin and they share a small smile.

#harringrove #eddissy #hellcheer #billy hargrove #chrissy cunningham #ficlet #tw ed recovery #bambiwrites #best friends chrissy and billy

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doroyumii · 10 days

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2 kg left to be underweight 💕🌟

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growup-thatbeautiful · 8 months

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Pretty Girl | 4. last goodbye

1. pretty girl. | 2. lover, you should’ve come over | 3. been on my mind | 4. last goodbye | 5. hold my hand

warnings: cursing, discussions of an ed (if that’s not something you want to read, you can skip this chapter and read the next one!)

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enews Do we see some drama raining on the new couple's parade? After they publically announced their relationship, Y/n Y/l/n"s ex Davey George was interviewed with Vouge and cast some light on the previously dark recent breakup scandal. Here are some of the highlights we collected for you.

About their relationship: "She was distant throughout the relationship. Call it prioritizing her career, but it just felt like I was a second thought. Which, you know, is funny, considering how it felt like I was the one doing her a favor by going out with her in the first place. I mean, she was a mess when we first got together. Crying all the time, shit like that. It felt like she couldn't be real around me because of how much she was upset about a breakup that I got the impression she didn't even care about... It was one guy after the other, for her, with a few girls mixed in, and I can see why nothing ever stuck. Good luck to Seresin, though."

About the breakup: "Things got bad, quick. One day, she was cuddling with me and watching movies, the next she can't stand to see me and is fucking around with some guy behind my back...I should've expected it from someone like her. All I did was take care of her, and she tossed me aside. Literally. She threw my shit out the window, changed the locks, the whole nine yards. Wouldn't even listen when I tried to explain myself."

About the recent announcement: "Shit, man, I can't say I'm surprised. She ran out of guys not in her friend group to fuck. All I can say is that Bradshaw and Machado better watch the fuck out. Even her best friend's man isn't out of the picture...It won't last long, though. Her shit'll get in the way like it always does. First, she'll stop being fun, then she'll stop eating. All the crap you'd expect from a model, right?"

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jakeyswiffe this is absolutely horrible

daveyyyy i knew there was some reason he was so upset, what a bitch

y/nsgirl anyone else smell bs?

bradbradbob she better stay away from bradley

-> natasha_pho for reallll

seresinhangman did he really say all of this?? i knew he was a shitty person

models_uno she sounds horrible omg

y/nhubby damn this is so disappointing to hear, stay safe out there guys

jakeeee_s okay but anyone else upset that he talked about her ed like that??

-> callieslove definitely

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Messages

you: i didn’t cheat on him

jakey: baby

you: i didn’t do it i swear

you: i don’t want you to think i would do something like that

jakey: i know you didn’t

jakey: he’s a goddamn liar

jakey: and that’s not what i’m worried about

you: what are you worried about?

you: i mean i’m dedicated to my job but it won’t get in the way or anything

jakey: i’m not worried about that either

you: ??

jakey: honey

jakey: have you eaten today?

you: yes

jakey: i’m gonna ask again

jakey: have you eaten today?

you: i said yes

you: is this about what davey said?

jakey: is it true?

you: some of it

you: i’m better than i used to be

jakey: okay

jakey: why didn’t you tell me?

you: it’s not that easy

you: and i didn’t think it was important

jakey: how could this not be important

you: i don’t my ed to be the thing that defines me

you: i already have enough labels, i didn’t need any more

jakey: that has nothing to do with us though

jakey: it’s not like i would tell anyone

you: you would look at me different

you: everyone does when they find out

jakey: i don’t see you any different

jakey: i’m not like all of your shitty exes

you: really?

you: that’s what you want to bring up?

jakey: i didn’t mean it like that and you know it

you: sure

jakey: i’m just saying that i’m different from them

jakey: i care about you and i don’t want to see you get hurt

you: oh, haven’t you heard?

you: apparently i’m going to be the one to hurt you and throw you out of my apartment

jakey: come on

jakey: don’t be like that

you: i’m not being like anything

you: i’m going to sleep

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Messages

you: are you busy?

tash: not particularly

you: i need a tasha hug

tash: babe you’re in new york

tash: but i can get a plane ticket

you: not if you have anything important

tash: come on

tash: you’re more important than anything else

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You put down your phone and curl up further into the mess of blankets and pillows that you’ve scattered around your bed. Even thought it’s night, the city noise is still going strong outside, but you’re high up enough for it to be a distant, pleasant hum other than it’s actual chaotic bustle. It’s one of the perks of having enough money to buy yourself an apartment as high as you want.

Your PR manager told you to lay low for a while, not because you did anything wrong, but because it would give her time to figure out a way to take this into your hands. You can’t complain; you’re not sure you would be up for doing much right now.

It’s not like this was anything unexpected. Eventually- because Davey never could stand not having attention- someone was going to say something about you. You’ve finally come to accept that, in your line of work, you don’t really have room for secrets.

But right now, it feels so overwhelming. You’ve had exes share details about you before (the whole world knows that you hide in closets at parties when you want alone time), but it’s never been anything as…personal.

And then there’s Jake. The conversation you had earlier with him didn’t exactly go as you wanted it to, and now, for the first time in weeks, he’s in San Diego while you’re in New York. It had been pre-planned for you to go back to your apartment for a while and for him to get enough space in his house for you to move in some of your stuff, but the timing feels abrupt. You have your first fight and you can’t even look him in the eye. You can’t make up with a few words and a kiss, and he can’t sweep you off your feet in a bear-like hug.

You could break first and ask him to come to New York. But after some of the things he said, you’re not sure if you want to be that person. For your whole career, you’ve been positioned as a girl who chases after the guy until he’s too boring. With Jake, it hadn’t been like that. It had been a whirlwind, and you undeniably wanted him just as much as he wanted you, but it had also been easy.

It’s always been true that no matter how mad at Jake you are, you still want him by your side. But do you still want him by your side if he doesn’t trust you? If he thinks you’re keeping secrets from him based on one interview, how can something long-term possibly last? If he can’t be supportive when you need him to be, then how can you stay with him?

You’re not embarrassed or ashamed of your history with food. It’s something you’ve been struggling with for years, and you can proudly say that you’re much better now than you used to be. But that doesn’t meant that you haven’t had setbacks. While you were dating Davey, there was a particularly hard shoot. Your body, which you’re used to being on display, hadn’t looked how you wanted it to look, especially compared to the other women you worked with. Against them, you didn’t feel like you deserved to be on the cover of any magazine.

So you’d skipped meals. It didn’t start intentionally. It was hardest on lazy days when you didn’t have anything planned. It was so easy to tell yourself that you didn’t need food, and Davey wasn’t around enough to notice or help you. It was a hard time, but, with help from Natasha, you’d gotten yourself out of the situation. Part of that meant getting rid of Davey, which turned out exactly how you thought it would: with him telling the world about all your flaws.

Tossing and turning throughout most of the night, you end up falling asleep with Jake’s hoodie underneath your head.

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y/n.username i’m so so proud and humbled to have been included in this project. taylor, thank you for choosing me to be a part of your beautiful, tragic vision. it came at just the right time for me. all too well (10 minute version) (taylor’s version) the short film out now. 🧣 good luck, babes.

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y/n.fan what did he do to her 😭

roo_bradshaw so proud of you ♥️

taylorswift Working with your was a dream ♥️

-> natashasgirll uhh new moms just dropped?

tasha.trace i love you!!

tasha.trace i’m gonna cry i adore you

bob.bob.floyd this is amazing! you’re unstoppable

the_real_taytay IM SCREAMIMG AHHHH

halo_cal_bass my god i love you but why would you make me watch that i’m sobbing

penny.benny Way to go!

jakeyswifee she doesn’t post anything for a month then drops this, love a chaos queen

-> tasha.trace i support all of her chaos

maverick.mitchell You’ve now convinced me: you can do anything.

model_y/n oh you can tell that she’s not acting in some scenes

model_y/n don’t let jake see this

swiftietaylor the combo i didn’t know i needed

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Messages

javy: hey

javy: i’m proud of you!

you: thanks :))

javy: he really misses you, you know

javy: i know he was an idiot

javy: and that probably hasn’t changed

javy: but he’s a mess

javy: and he’s sorry for whatever he did

you: he didn’t tell you?

javy: he wouldn’t say a thing

you: did he ask you to say this?

javy: he’s too proud to do that

javy: as his best friend, i know when he’s suffering and when he’s too stubborn to admit he was wrong

javy: right now he’s both

you: right

you: thanks for telling me

javy: at least let him know you’re okay

javy: are you okay?

you: i am

you: i do miss jake though

javy: tell him that

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It’s been a month. A month of throwing yourself into your work and trying to pretend that whatever was happening with Jake, wasn’t happening. You thought that the fight would blow over. He would apologize, or you would make him apologize, and you would be back to spending your days staring into his ocean eyes.

But every-time you thought about reaching out, you could never convince yourself to actually reach out and accept his hand. He’s tried to talk to you, through text messages and missed calls, but you’ve stayed strong.

Then you got the opportunity of a lifetime to work with Taylor on a short film, and that was the distraction you needed to clear the anger and the fog of grief from out of your mind. Being in such an emotional, raw project allowed you to feel your own emotions as well as dip into your character’s. Tasha’s been with you the whole time, sometimes physically and sometimes virtually when she had to work. Callie’s been there too; she even made a girls trip up to New York despite being in the middle of a directing project. If any of the other Mav’s have felt awkward talking to you, they haven’t shown it. The only difference has been the lack of Jake.

Now, you’re starting to doubt if it’s worth it to keep up the lack of communication. Jake’s been part of your life for so long, and you miss him. You kind of wish there was something deeper behind it, but it’s really that simple: you miss Jake. More often than not you find yourself asking the question is it really worth it to miss him when you could try and sort out the misunderstanding?

If Javy’s telling the truth and Jake really is a mess, like you are, then maybe it’s time to reach out. Surely you can sort this out, right? You can explain your side like an adult, and Jake can tell you his.

You still think- no, you know, that he was wrong to say what he said. But part of you recognizes now that he had been hurting just like you had. Now that the drama has died down, you find yourself wanting Jake to come back, mistakes and all.

——————————————————————————

you: hey

you: do you want to talk?

jakey: i would love to

jakey: call me?

——————————————————————————

A/n: how’s everyone feeling? lots of big emotions here lol

taglist lovelies: @rosiahills22 @fangirlvibez @djs8891 @shanimallina87 @abaker74

#pretty girl #tw ed recovery #tw ed discussion #ed discussion #tw: ed mention #jake seresin fanfic #jake hangman x y/n #jake seresin x y/n #jake seresin fic #jake seresin fanfiction #jake seresin x reader #jake seresin x you #jake seresin #jake hangman fic #hangman x you #jake hangman seresin #tgm #top gun

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