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samira-kehmet · 3 months

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So Little Left to Give || Flashback

Date: 1858

Location: Samira and Lyra's apartment (Rungung)

Notes: One last fight leads to the end of a marriage. (Divorce TW)

Samira hadn't enjoyed coming home in years. She looked for any excuse to stay back in the hospital, whether it was for surgeries or for one of her many research projects. The only way she would go home was if the Chief Surgeon forced her to, much like tonight. She knew the Chief meant well, even with the threat of "if I catch you within a mile of this hospital in the next twelve hours, I will put you on probation indefinitely", but he had no idea what it was like to want to do anything else but come home to your bitter, resentful wife. In fact, the only way Samira could think to salvage this marriage was if she wasn't home at all. And while she loved Lyra still, there was also a feeling of resentment underneath that festered from all of the unkindness Lyra had brought down on her the past few years.

Instinctually, she held her breath as she opened the door to their apartment. Her home had become nothing but a place of tension. The anticipation of seeing the familiar expression of silent anger that would rest on Lyra's aged face. Her beautifully aged face. The face Samira really did not wish to see right now. As she walked in, Lyra was sitting on the couch, reading something on her tablet. Her wife did not initially offer any indication that she was aware Samira had entered. Samira was ready to silently go to the bedroom, until Lyra spoke.

"What a privilege it is to be graced with your presence." Lyra's tone dripped with venomous sarcasm, not yet looking up from the tablet. "I feared you found a new nest to perch yourself on."

Samira sighed. She could choose to ignore Lyra and proceed to the bedroom. But tonight in particular, she felt exhausted. Not just physically or mentally. Emotionally. She shook her head and walked further into the living room.

"Apologies, I seem to have misunderstood that you wish to be nowhere near me," Samira offered the same sarcasm.

Now Lyra looked up through her glasses.

"Ah, you have remembered how to speak as well," Lyra bit back.

Samira let out a laugh of disbelief. She lost either way - whether she spoke to Lyra or ignored her. What were they doing here? What was the point of this marriage anymore?

"Would you like me to explain in detail all of the surgeries I was able to perform this week?" Samira began, throwing her coat on the chair beside her.

The years of resentment bubbled up then. Now she was furious, like all those years of trying to make this marriage work were exploding in this one moment. She was vengeful - a trait she never once considered herself to have. She wanted to make Lyra hurt the same way she had been hurt by her words all these years.

"Let's see - I removed a spinal tumor from one patient," she continued. She started to angrily pace around the living room. "Then another I was able to reconstruct their shattered leg - remember when you were capable of doing that?" Vile bitterness. "Oh! Speaking of being able to do procedures you used to do - there was this one patient whose shoulder I was able to replace with prosthetics. And another with this really bad foot fracture I was also able to repair. I think the hospital has been doing well since your retirement, thanks to me. Because I am certainly going nowhere anytime soon, and I believe they would agree that I have been doing your job better than you ever did!"

She realized she was yelling towards the end, and with all of that finally out of her system, the silence that fell was deafening. Immediately, she felt sick to her stomach by what she had just said. Now frozen in the middle of the living room, she looked at the pained expression on Lyra's face. Then it turned cold. It was often Lyra's defense mechanism to turn cold when she was hurt. Lyra took off her glasses and locked her eyes with Samira's.

"You have always been the most self-centered person I have ever known." Her red eyes felt as though they pierced right through Samira's skull. "Samira Kehmet. The finest surgeon in all of Kraysha. You relish in that title. You cannot stand the idea of not being the one always on top." She tossed her glasses onto the coffee table. "You and I were equals once. But once I was no longer competition for you, once I could no longer keep up with you, you became married to your career. Not me."

Lyra stood up. Samira shook her head in disbelief.

"Have you lost your mind?" she replied with an exasperated expression. "I am married to you. You have never been above the hospital to me."

"Please!" Lyra snapped, stepping towards Samira. "The tunnel vision you possessed for your own success and only your own success blinded you to what was happening to me. You've no idea what it is like for your body to break down. You've no idea what it is like to wake up one day and realize you are no longer excellent at the thing you have always been excellent at. You've no idea what it is like to practically decompose day by day!"

Samira's lips pressed together.

"And -" Lyra continued. "- you have no idea what it is like to be left behind by you. To watch you still succeed, while I am stuck here, on this damned sofa. Hating you every single day for still enjoying what I no longer can." She stood right in front of Samira and spat out the words that would stick with her for several decades after. "I hate you, Samira."

Those words felt like a punch to the throat. Samira's eyes welled up against her control.

"And I refuse to live out the rest of my life watching as you do not age a damned day. I cannot bear that I will not live long enough to see you suffer as I have suffered." She pointed her finger in Samira's face. "You and I are finished."

Samira hated that she could feel the tears running down her cheeks. She hated feeling out of control, and her emotions were usually easy for her to control.

"I have never seen you as competition, Lyra." She hated that her voice shook as she spoke. "I cannot be blamed for the lifespan I was born with. I cannot help that I do not age as fast as you. If you wish to blame me simply for what I am, then fine, but do not speak as if I have once taken pleasure in what has happened to you. If you truly think that of me, if you truly believe I have never loved you simply because I love you... then perhaps we are finished."

Lyra scoffed, her hand dropping to her side. "You loved me because we are the same. You believe you could truly love someone outside of this? A nobody whose life is not consumed by the insatiable appetite for success? Someone who does not possess the same drive as you? Someone who is not your equal? Do not make me laugh, Samira."

Samira's mouth formed a thin line. She could've said yes, but she truthfully could not be sure. And as much as she didn't want to give Lyra the possibility of being right, her silence seemed to satisfy her wife. Lyra looked Samira up and down, then turned away towards the bedroom to pack.

"I will be staying with my sister."

#flashback #self para #divorce tw

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lightningandfireinmybones · 9 months

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whaddub giiiirls! Live from my desk, hunched back like Quasimodo, full of mildly cold orange juice because it's been out of the fridge for a while and with the A/C on because my house feels like the basement of hell, I AM BACK WITH MY AEMOND THOTS!

um... long post... im so sorry, i dont think read more works for asks i had promised you them and now that i am in a good -relatively speaking- place with my assignments, I am back with the ch. 7 thoughts.

Aemond learned how to swallow past the emotion clogging his throat, to operate with his heart outside his body.

it's not just the breakup that made him operate this way unfortunatelly. Aemond in every universe is doomed to be the second and capable son of an unworthy father, too preoccupied with his losses to appreciate the people around him. I must once again restate the general consensus that the green kids were the exact thing that Viserys prayed for and still his hubris (however valid the reason behind his self inflicted grief may be) blinded him.

Aemond grew up knowing that he is the only one on his side, him and the very few people who do love him yet are unable to do much since they hold no real power to help protect him.

It made him colder, meaner, smarter, sharper.

whatever doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally. Hey i know this girl, Valaena, the two of them would hit it right off!

It was an explosion he’d throw himself into repeatedly for the privilege of having her hurt him.

him and Val are the same person, the same trauma except in different font and just expressed in an opposite manner. but the trumatized basis is there. Aemond may have had the control in their relationship and between the two of them however when it came to himself he really didnt have any control? like..

their relationship wasnt bad because of their dynamic but because of the Quality of said dynamic. Many people overeat or skip meals but not everyone has an eating disorder, if that makes sense. Their relationship was in that first stage i feel doomed from the start because the reason why thei came into it wasn't all there? I will elaborate more on this further down bellow if it isn't clear what i mean by this.

The anxiety that wracked her little form melted away, the pressure in his own head relieved by the way she gave in to him completely.

Their relationship at that point, I feel like, was not a partnership exactly? they were both too into their heads about this, too preoccupied with their trauma and with using each other as a balm, as an escape and as a way to make everything fall into the background that to an extent is was a quite selfish relationship? There was Love, undeniaably, passion, a bit of obsession, posessiveness, but that was more as an expression of each other's internal fear and anxiety towards their life rather than a well communicated and healthy thing. (i am still unsure as to whether or not i am expaining myself accurately)

Then, she’d left and taken the sunshine with her.

the way this must have hurt? this would have devastated him. not only to lose your lover, the girl you are in love with, the person you practically live with but also to be deprived of your main support person, your ride or die. We saw the exact same thing with Val. She knows all this which is why she is so terribly guilt ridden. she went through the same - if i may use the word- violent emotionally breakup. not physically violent but deffinitely violating.

like a new wound, a raw and infected one unable to heal.

In the two weeks since she escaped him, time has congealed into a meaningless mass of rage and fear and anticipation and something else. Something that tasted like satisfaction, like Valaena was finally fighting back, clawing her way back to him.

i can't imagine how complicated all those emotions must be for him. he isn't used to analysing them really, or voicing them even to himself. But the relief of at least having her back is palpable.

it must feel like the first drops of rain after a harsh devastating drought. My emotions how dare you Autumn?

Time was cruel, but not as cruel as Aemond is going to be when he gets ahold of Valaena again. // Valaena was playing with fire and he intended to burn her for it. // If either of them survived long enough to get there.

get her ass. sickos everywhere rejoice, you were meant to burn together except not in a self destructive way because ilysm and you both deserve the world so may the embers of your love grow into a warm flame of love

Anything less than perfection was failure.

Aemond babe, i know right? i keep telling my therapist but she wont agree with me

“She’s in Dorne and safe,” Aemond clips out, returning to his files.

i love how the word he goes for is Safe because that's what it comes down to. it's not she's having fun, she's taking her time, she's enjoying herself. it's she is S A F E . because that's his greatest fear at this point. that something will go wrong, that he will lose her, that she will be hurt. not just bc of the Cannibal but previously as well bc of herself and her disregard for her own well being.

The agonizing peace he must feel knowing that she is doing well, is trying to get sober, and is just in a serene and safe place working on herself and getting some well earned rest... my loves!

[...] a cloud of incredibly expensive perfume taking him back to being eight years old, clutching one leg, Valaena on the other, Luke on her back.

i love the way you write his relationship with Rhaenyra. i hate how the show never bothered to show us the relationship of the siblings because bad blood or no, the very first years before Rhae had any kids it's more than normal to assume she liked her siblings and played around with them. I love how you show that and may your period cramps remain forever a thing of the past for including this.

the big sister vibes who isn't just a big sister close in age that you can curse at and be a bit cunty towards and give as good as you take. Instead the older sister who is a mature person, who acts a bit like a motherly figure, as a wise friendly more experienced person. And especially here it's not like he can hide from her.

Rhaenyra too fucked her uncle but also like... babes... you and Val haven't exactly ever been subtle about each other. Especially Aemond is as tactful as an elephant dancing on thin ice when it comes to his feelings for Val, and Val in general. Mr Unhinged Feral Hungry Simp

“You think she’s coming back to me?” Aemond can’t stop the words, a rare vulnerability, a chink in his impenetrable armor.

A PRECIOUS BABY

Laughing softly, Rhaenyra cups his scarred cheek. // [...] just presses a soft palm against his skin and gives him the benefit of the doubt.

Give Aemond his regular tactile affection 2024! explicitly do NOT make it sexual. that man needs the everyday, unassuming, familiar display of love in this manner. fucking like crazy doesn't mean this man isn't touch starved and that's a hill i will doom myself and my entire bloodline upon. HE NEEDS THE SOFTNESS. imagine not having the warm and comforting touch of your mother, everytime she sees you she is retraumatized by your trauma. how would that make a small child feel? a child who cannot differenciate between the nuanced feelings of adults and his own confusion and fear and guilt over his perceived faults.

AEMOND MY BELOVED

Running yourself into the ground won’t do anything. You need to get it together, too. Fix yourself, let her fix herself, then maybe you two can work on fixing whatever is left between you two. Make sure you’re both worthy.”

nothing but facts. they need to be 100% into their own selves, they need to be in control of themselves and their emotions and not go around like emotionally damaged half life zombies. they won't be able to find peace and happiness with each other until they start feeling good about themselves. until they stop hating who they are and stop self crucifying themselves

He’s spent his whole life working to deserve her and she’d left anyway. As much as he loved Valaena, would worship the ground she walked on, he knew she had her own demons.

firstly, OUCH OH GOD FUCKED ME UP OH JEEZ GOOD LORD UGH. Aemond beloved, loving someone and having them love you back has nothing to do with "deserving" the other in this sense. there's no point past which you can say one is enough and appropriate for another, or a list to check things off of. my heart hurts for this

but also that last line.. dang but that's such an important thing for him to realize. because yes, she does have her own trauma to sort out and so does he. and that isn't a bad thing or anything. it's just him realizing that she doesn need space to do her own thing and i LOVE how this comes right after his thoughts of not deserving her. like... they both exist as individuals long before they can be only in reference to one another.

that's such a big thing for him to realise and he does it so casually after this one talk with Rhaenyra i love him so much you dont understand!

That Valaena has her reasons for doing things, even if he doesn’t understand them now.

YES KING EXACTLY!!!!! it will ALL be okay! trust! you just need to heal first (first on their own and then together as one solid unit)

Maybe he’d lost himself in it a little, too. Maybe part of him had always been missing, lost in duty and responsibility foisted upon him.

yes baby he just keeps on giving and giving yes Aemond!

Back when they’d been together, he’d laughed freer. He’d taken joy in things, in riding and live music and his education. He chafed under his father’s thumb, but he’d been more himself.

exactly!!! i love these two lines so much bestie you don't understand!

he'd been more himself! he had his support, he had a person to confide in, to share the burden with and to have them lean on him too! he could help her, communicate with her, share her love and their days together, show affection and be familiar with someone! once they get back to it relieved from their use of their relationship as an unhealthy coping mechanism they will be so happy! and they will deserve it too! no more guilt ridden Valaena, no more fear of the future from her, no more unclear boundaries and no more anxiety ridden Aemond.

your honour i just need them to chill together and vibe ya know

For Valaena, wasn’t it worth confronting himself? Even if the thought of opening up to a therapist makes him want to skin a man alive, he can do it for her.

for her but also for himself. confronting oneself is hard work and tough work. i love him so much you dont understand

skipping a few paragraphs, the Cannibal has some balls but also an extreme lack of self preservation instincts. Bless Dalton i guess? Who also needs to learn how not to try and get himself killed. he.. i... Sir?!

You are going to talk to Aemond Targaryen like THAT about HIS NIECE and expect what? you did this for what? no no i'll wait.. go ahead.. name the reasons... dang

Your niece is a right freak in bed. Such a fucking slut [etc. etc.]

girl you done lost your mind. fare thee well

When Dalton dies, Aemond wants to do it slowly, precisely, with privacy to make him suffer.

you know what.. he earned this one. but also he kinda deserved it too. like... bless Dalton fr fr . oh to be there and see the shock in Aemond's eye. the sheer "!!!!" in his face, ya know? The man was too stunned to speak, for like a milisecond

Aemond sighs, adjusting his eye patch, eyes roving over the crowd to make sure the Cannibal hasn’t circled back now that Dalton is out of the way. “She’s okay?”

IM IN YOUR WALLS YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!! IM ALSO IN THE TRENCHES BUT TRUST I AM IN YOUR WALLS!!!

She looks at him like she sees through him and is not impressed with what she finds.

FUCK HIM UP MOMM- Help him heal Doctor. (i want to see her deontologically and ethically STEP ON HIM during therapy. make that boy see sense and heal his trauma girl)

Gods, she was beautiful. She was beautiful and she was insane and she was going to destroy him.

i can see him looking at her with a devastated, helpless, burning look, already sex drunk even though he hasn't even let himself take permission to touch her yet (that evening!! because trust that man is delulu, babe there's no modesty to be saved you are both HORNY MONSTERS). simp! aemond is top tier aemond

His niece (gods! His fucking niece, who he’d already crossed so many lines with)

Aemond is also in your walls, screaming, crying, throwing up

Just him. It was just him and his niece in this cabin, snow picking up outside the rattling windows.

i love how he thinks of her as his niece yet. not allowing himself to use her name, resisting to the familiarity of it, insisting upon her title to keep himself in check

“You had to run away from school to a cabin with only one bed and no cell service with a blizzard on the horizon?” Aemond asks as he follows her to the bedroom if only to distract himself from the way her ass jiggles beneath the thin protection of the silk. She’d run away to this cabin and had packed that nightgown. Valaena was a menace.

KILL HIM!! GET THAT FATALITY!! RUUIIIN THAT MAN VAL! I AM ROOTING FOR YOU WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU

i will combust when we found out the full extent of their past

Candles are on nearly every available surface, dripping fat hot drops of wax on expensive furniture.

waxplay when?

she shrugs, leaning back onto her elbows. It throws her chest forward, a practiced move.

serving CUNT!! before she serves the actual- oh you know what, i wont be crass. she is a baddie tho and that i Will mention (RIP Alyssa Targaryen you would have LLLOOOVED your great grandaughter. also Saera Targaryen, you would have appreciated her as well)

“Eyepatch too,” she instructs, a molten heat in her eyes that can only spell trouble. He complies, sliding into the king-size bed.

i am FERAL. hide nothing from each other!!!

“Don’t,” Aemond grits, grabbing her wrist before she can trace his scar.

She smiles beatifically at him, tightening the thigh she has draped over him. “It’s just cuddling, Kepus.”

oh she.... evil woman... she's evil... most definitely!!!!!

he's been calling her niece in his mind and she goes and does THAT! what a serve

I will never be just your uncle again. I will never let you go. I will consume you.” The little siren sighs, shifting so she can wrap her legs around Aemond’s waist. “Big talk for a virgin.”

i- no comment..... she threw him on the ground and she keeps on kicking him, she won't let him have a moment.

“Why would I want gentle when I can have you as you are?”

girl bye... im done commenting.

[...] Shall we see if we can get you a third?”

i lied.

In that lavender haze of her eyes, he sees a future. He sees chaos and eternity and a purpose. He sees what she needs.

valaemond brainrot until the universe freezes over

“You called me a slut,” Valaena mumbles, her nose sharp on his collarbone. He takes the opportunity to press a kiss to the top of her head. He huffs a laugh, brushing hair away from her face. “And I think you liked it.” A sharp grin, showing off her canines. “Thank you.”

“The only responsibility I care about is you, Valaena. I think about you all day. Has Valaena eaten? Has she drunk enough water? Is she wearing thigh highs or stockings today? Did Valaena laugh today? Is she happy, taken care of? Will being with me make it better or worse?”

make it stop i've had enough!!! stop stop stop STOP!!!!!!

I love him so much. i am indeed chewing glass because even if he doesn't fully realise it, or calls it as such, he is so down bad for her. so in love... so... i.. i need to know when it really started. when he realized Oh Shit.. this isn;t just going to go away. the care he has for her??? and to know that despite all that love they still had to break up even if it was for the better? to know that THIS is what was in line? that THIS is what they're making their way back to? what they are both striving for? my heart

“Because I want to be with you, too. I choose you, Aemond. I’ll always choose you.”

and soon enough Aemond will truly feel that in his bones and understand it and will be able to find this solid thing, this dependable thing inside of him that will KNOW he deserves and has earned that love freely given just as Valaena will with the love freely given from Aemond.

you killed me dead bestie fr.

im so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you with this but i was getting my ass handed to me by Uni.

the newest chapter was amazing as well! we're all so glad to have you bag from your vacation, you deserved all that time away and the new scenery after these past months. i hope you're doing amazing and if you are still abit sick i hope you feel better and get well soon (iirc you were a bit under the weather, or was that during your time away?)

in any case! what an amazing work same as always. soft drunk off the recond free aemond in the newest chapter was also amazing. im assuming some time has passed between his therapy session and him arriving in Dorne?

“Don’t,” Aemond closes his eye, burrowing deeper into the pillow the way he used to do to her bare chest. “Don’t give me softness you’ll regret tomorrow.” “I won’t regret it,” Valaena whispers, propping herself up on her elbow to look down at him. “Prove it,” Aemond orders imperiously, eye still closed.

prove it. prove you wont hate yourself or feel uncomfortable for the affection you showed me, for bringing me back into your life despite maybe not being sure you want me there. Prove you are okay with me, prove we are good, or at least we are better with each other. and she does...

even if he wont remember tomorrow she tells him about that one night where everything really hit her and it all came crushing down, unravelling from that point foreward. their time together was really uncomfortable to read. you managed to portray Val's freakout excellently because myself reading this... it made me feel lowkey triggered just like her. it felt like being suffocated, like being pushed down and unable to move and escape. and the worst part for her was that the only person who could make her feel better was the person who freaked her out.

i understand how to Aemond it may have been nothing but honestly... reading from her pov it was Just TOO Much, just the way i believe you intended it to be. i love val, she.. i just get exactly where she is coming from.

and i have to say Val is one of my favourite characters Period. she is exactly what you meant for her. a flawed, sometimes making mistakes but mostly trying yer best and failing as well as succeeding. i think she is an incredibly strong female character exactly because of this. you can only be brave when you are scared. and that's exactly what she does. she fumbles, she avoids, she is harmful to herself but she always deals with the situation, she always strives to make it work and works hard to earn that.

incredible work bestie from the bottom of my heart. <3

BESTIE

IVE BEEN SITTING ON THIS FOR FAR TOO LONG trying to stop kicking my feet and blushing and form a coherent response,,, the brain cells aren’t braincelling but I can’t keep reading this to myself every morning lmao it needs to be shared

THE TRAGEDY OF AEMOND,,, being viserys’ foil, building himself into something worthy for those that will never see it and appreciate it the right way

And Valaena,,, cursed to be always aching for something she can’t have, drowning in the legacy she fear and respects

I 10000% get what you’re saying and thank god I aimed for it!! Their relationship during the early years is the right person, wrong time, as neither of them had the emotional fortitude or strength to hold themselves up

They solely held each other up with no thought or concern for their own emotional/psychological structural integrity

And that weakness was only revealed when they ripped away their support beams from each other, leaving just the internal rot and negligence they’d put into themselves

So they have to heal themselves first!! And while aemond might not be able to admit it and say that, he recognizes that for the first step it is, when Valaena starts working on herself actively and with intention to do better

BUT HE IS ALSO A SICKO SO HE WILL NEVER ACTUALLY LET GO!! AN OBSESSED KING

But above all else, Valaena

And her safety first, mentally and physically and emotionally

I AM A SUCKER FOR SIBLING BONDS AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE RHAENYRA GIVES UP ON THEM SO EASILY

and we come back to aemond and Valaena having to learn to exist outside of each other before they can exist together!!! Aemond rediscovering joy and Valaena rediscovering herself!!

THEY NEED TO HEAL!!!! AND THEY ARE!!! HEALING AND COMING BACK TOGETHER!!!

And vixen Valaena had to make an appearance eventually! Scandalizing poor virgin aemond!!!

I’m too dead to write a more eloquent response like this deserves but I want to say thank you!!

I cannot express the depth of how grateful I am you took the time and effort to write a thesis on valaemond!! It humbles me and brings me such joy and happiness to see you like Valaena and can think this much about my passion brainrot project!!!

#I am in awe #thank you bestie #it is so insightful and well written #ask #heaven knows fic

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rose2jam · 3 years

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Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult, an essay by Rose Jam

So, let’s talk about Cults. Disclaimer: This is just information I’ve gathered over the years from my personal fascination with religious cults. I’m in no way an expert or a psychologist or whatever. This is just my personal understanding from the research I’ve done.

A cult is started when a wildly charismatic Leader feels like they have a purpose, a higher calling, or a mission to be fulfilled (or they could also just be an egomaniac). Maybe they really do feel like what makes them special comes directly from a higher power, be that God, or the Heir of Slytherin, but either way, this person has a pathological need to be worshiped, and they need followers in order to do that.

So, how does one obtain Followers easily? By finding the misunderstood misfits of society, and promising them something. The people who feel like no one else understands them, or their ideologies. But this Leader? This Leader GETS IT, MAN! The Leader understands them perfectly, vindicates them, and makes them promises along the way. Like, if they stick with the Leader, then not only will they finally be understood, but they themselves will also be revered. That they will rise above all of the others who have put them down for so long, and will come out on top as a superior being.

Any of this sounding familiar?

Charles Manson preyed on young people in the middle of the hippie movement, mostly women, who were feeling lost, lonely, and in need of guidance, or in terms of the men he recruited, seeking power over others. Not all of these people were poor or helpless; some of them came from middle class, or even rich homes and families. Yes, some of them came from broken homes, but all of them felt “broken” themselves, in some way. So Manson used their desires to have a family to draw them in. He then used LSD and other drugs to keep them under his control, and he created a manipulative environment where the members of his “family” felt they could never leave him, and if they didn’t follow his commands, something horrible would happen to them. I’m not going to go into full detail on the Manson Family Murders, but if you’re personally interested, check out the Podcast “Cults” on Spotify.

So back to basics, this Leader draws in Followers with flowery promises of community, power, family, or whatever. But once the Leader has that following, the terror will begin. Cult Leaders are usually master manipulators, and have completely brainwashed their followers into believing the “us vs them” mentality, that the outside world is evil, that the outside world will only harm them, that the outside world would never understand what they’re doing on the inside. And that the Leader is the only one who knows the truth, so they better stick with him. Or maybe the Leader has gaslit his followers so completely, that they become dependent on him for everything, to the point where they don’t know how they would possibly function without the Leader. Or, the Leader has created an environment that’s so hostile, that Followers are too afraid of what might happen to them if they tried to leave, or didn’t do what the Leader commanded. Typically, it’s a combination of all of the above. Destructive cults will either hurt others outside of their circle (The Manson Family, Sect of Nacozari), harm themselves (Heaven’s Gate, The Ant Hill Kids), or both (The People’s Temple, Aum Sinrikyo).

Now that I’ve laid this foundation, I’m going to tell you why it was practically inevitable that Severus Snape would join a cult.

Snape’s childhood ultimately laid the foundation for the mental state he would be in when he decided to join the Death Eaters. He grew up in an abusive household, where his father, the muggle, had his magical wife so thoroughly whipped, that she couldn’t (or chose not to) use magic to defend herself, or her son (1). Eileen had obviously told Severus about magic, about Hogwarts, about what a wonderful place it was, and what a wonderful gift magic could be. Severus also watched as Tobias beat the magic out of her. (I know it’s debated whether Tobias actually physically abused his family, but he certainly verbally/mentally/emotionally abused them, so the term “beat” could be used figuratively as well). I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that Severus developed an extreme hatred of muggles with “burn the witch” mentalities from a very young age because of this.

Enter Lily, perhaps the only other magical person in his life besides his mother up to this point. He sees her using magic out in the open, perhaps recklessly, for fun, and he sees an opportunity to make a friend (and, admittedly, to be smarter than someone about something for a while). He was so eager to tell her all about magic, because getting to learn magic, and go to Hogwarts, has possibly been the only thing keeping him going in his young life. And now he’s made a friend, a real friend who doesn’t think he’s weird because he’s magical. Unlike Petunia, yet another muggle who makes fun of him for being weird (2). And Lily actually seems to like him back. For a kid who probably hasn’t received a lot of affection in his life, this is monumental. This friendship is everything. Why wouldn’t he love her?

So the time finally comes to go to Hogwarts. Severus gets to escape his abusive household, and finally has an opportunity to embrace magic for the first time in his life. But almost immediately, he’s met with a hic-up. Specifically, James Potter and Sirius Black. So Severus is no longer facing abuse exclusively from muggles who think he’s weird, but now he’s also getting it from other magical people who think he’s weird (3). And this started on the fucking TRAIN before he even GOT to Hogwarts. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t sour a kids dream right off the fucking bat. And then, when he finally gets there, he’s separated from his only friend, by being sorted into different houses (4). What a way for a life-long dream to be thoroughly dashed in less than 24 hours.

Let’s look at Snape’s Hogwarts experience. He’s a good student, and he pours himself into learning as much magic as possible, and at being the best he can possibly be, probably motivated by a desire to be better than what his Father thinks possible. During this time, he is regularly bullied and abused by the Marauders. Sometime before his 5th year, the Incident at the Shrieking Shack took place. It definitely sucks to have been so thoroughly fucking duped, and put into a life-threatening situation involving a goddamn werewolf (5). But perhaps even worse than that, the salt in the wound, was that no one fucking did anything about it (6). He saw Sirius and James and Remus get out of that situation without facing any sort of proper punishment (as in, they all still stayed at the school as opposed to being expelled like they DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN (At least Sirius should have been)). Dumbledore was looking out for the Marauders, but no one was looking out for Severus. On top of that, Severus isn’t allowed to TELL anyone about it, not even Lily. So, he goes through what was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, and he can’t even tell anyone that it happened.

So, what sort of support system does Severus have during all this? He has Lily, sure (who literally told him he should be GRATEFUL to James, one of his abusers). But, what he really has, is Slytherin House (7). I’ll say it plainly: Severus was sorted into a house that was already full of existing cult members. McGonagall says in Sorcerer’s Stone that “Your house will be like your family” (she at least says it in the movies, I’m too lazy to get up and reference my books rn lol). So, Severus’ family, his support system, for 10 months out of every year, is a house that is already full to the brim with pureblood elitists with prejudiced ideals, who would absolutely vindicate Severus in his dislike for muggles. As a kid first getting sorted into the house, it’s obviously not unreasonable to become friends with the people you’re literally living with. His dorm mates became his family. So, when his dorm mates started to become Death Eaters… This is headcanon, I fully admit, but like, fuck, Severus didn’t have a lot of friends, and was probably already drifting apart from Lily. Do you really think he was going to tell the people he had to live with every single day, not to mention the only people that had been supporting him for years, to go fuck themselves for using Dark Magic? Especially when he was probably feeling like he was on the verge of thinking that their rhetoric made some sense?

On to Snape’s Worst Memory (8). At this point, he’s spent 5 years in Slytherin House, with fellow students who casually throw around the M word. He gets attacked by James and Sirius, he’s practically defenseless, and then the girl who he’d considered his closest friend for so long… has to force herself not to smile when he’s thrown upside down and exposed to everyone on the grounds. Sure, she was trying to defend him at first, but she also fucking nearly smiled at his humiliation, his pain, his abuse. So he hurls the one word that he knows is going to cut the deepest, that will hopefully hurt her as badly as she has hurt him. And it works.

Severus had been beaten down his entire life. By Muggles and Magic Folk alike. And finally, he’s betrayed by Lily, his last lifeline to the light. He betrayed her as well, of course. But he did try to show remorse. And she doesn’t forgive him (9), which was her prerogative, of course.

So. Who does he have left?

I’ve placed little (numbers) throughout my writing here. Each of those numbers denote the specific events that led Severus to becoming an angry young man, who hates muggles, hates (some) magic folk, and resulted in him feeling weak, helpless, and desperate. For what? For power, for a family, for a community. For a world where he is no longer the weird one. For a world where he’s respected, strong. For the world he thought he was going to be a part of, when he arrived at Hogwarts in his first year.

And it just so happens that this is the exact world that Voldemort is (allegedly) trying to create.

Severus Snape was angry, and vulnerable, and as such, he was practically the poster child for the type of person who would be susceptible to falling for a cult. Maybe he was recruited by his friends in Slytherin House. Maybe he was recruited directly. Either way, charismatic Tom Riddle came along, understood how he felt, where he was coming from, told him he deserved better, and offered him all of the things he never had in his life. And being at rock bottom, being the lowest of the low, to Severus it must have seemed like a miracle of an opportunity, or perhaps, like the only chance he had left.

Now, let me be extremely clear; everything I’ve written is not trying to EXCUSE Severus Snape for his actions. There is always a point where personal responsibility must come into play. Except for children born into cults or victims of kidnapping, nearly every person who has ever joined a cult has made the personal decision to join it. I’m just trying to express how unbelievably easy it is, for a Cult Leader to find people with damaged lives and low self-worth, to suck them in with promises of a fulfilling life and grandeur, and for those people to be easily swept up and brainwashed into believing that what they are doing is right. (Or that what they are doing is required, because the alternative is more horrifying.)

The type of people who joined the Death Eaters are the same type of people who joined Heaven’s Gate, or The People’s Temple, or yes, The Manson Family. Now, I’m just going to say, from my own personal point of view, I do not vilify anyone who’s ever joined a destructive cult. On the contrary, I feel sorry for them. Because most people who join a cult, don’t necessarily do it signing up for the… end result of what happened to them. Some of them totally do, like Heaven’s Gate. Most of them knew that the end result was going to be the “evacuation of their earthly vessel”. But the people who joined the Manson Family, for instance, did not initially join it KNOWING how it was going to end. They were part of the family long before Manson even came up with Helter Skelter, and by the time the Tate-LaBianca Murders took place, they were already too far gone to go against it.

I highly recommend anyone who’s interested in a humanizing view of former cult members, to read the essay “Leslie Van Houten: A Friendship” by John Waters. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/leslie-van-houten-a-frien_b_246953

Or, at the very least, listen to this 7 minute NPR interview with John Waters about the essay https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111585116

It’s the story of how notorious film maker John Waters, became friends with former Manson Girl, Leslie Van Houten, and about how she broke away from the cult after her conviction, how she’s spent the last 51 years of her life recovering from the psychotic influence of a maniac who’d promised her the world, and how even though she was convicted to life WITH a possibility of parole, it’s never been granted to her, despite the fact that she has done literally everything possible to try and atone for her crimes.

Maybe I’m just a bleeding heart. I’m pretty much the only person I know who feels sorry for Leslie Van Houten and other cult members who were brainwashed, abused, and manipulated into doing a lot of the horrible things they’ve done. But there are people in the world, who have committed FAR more heinous crimes than the Manson Family murders, and who are far less repentant than Leslie, but because those crimes weren’t as notorious, they get to walk free.

Addendum: When I first posted this, I had a few people point out to me that they had always associated Voldemort and the Death Eaters with Hitler and Nazi Germany. This is a perfectly fair point, but one that I personally don’t jive with, and the reason is simply the numbers. There were literally millions of people in the Nazi party during WW2. Death Eaters don’t even reach triple digits, as far as I’m aware. As I hinted at in this essay, I consider Voldemort and the Death Eaters to be MUCH closer to Charles Manson and the Manson Family. The Manson Family 100% had Nazi ideology, of course. "Helter Skelter” was Charles Manson’s prediction that there was going to be a massive race war; one that the Whites were going to lose, and that he and his Pure White family would emerge from it in order to rule over the remaining Blacks. Kinda... sounds like a Death Eater thing, huh?

Sorry. Back to Snape. There is a lot we don’t know about Severus’ actual time as a Death Eater. I think it can be reasonably assumed he’s never actually killed anyone before Dumbledore (In Prince’s Tale, Severus questions if his soul would be safe from killing Dumbledore, and Dumbledore implies that his soul would not be damaged by helping an old man avoid pain and humiliation. This leads me to believe that Severus never committed any soul-damaging murders before this). Beyond being a sneaky spy and delivering the prophecy to Voldemort, his time as a Death Eater is all up for conjecture.

Severus does make one important deviation from the typical cult member mold, however. In the end, he manages to break away from the cult. The scales fall from his eyes. In a figurative sense, the LSD has worn off. What made him sober up, was the threat to his last lifeline to the light. The one good fucking thing he’d ever had in his miserable life. He was brought back by genuine love. Ya know, the ENTIRE MESSAGE OF THE HP SERIES. And not only did he leave the cult, but he then spent the rest of his life actively attempting to destroy it, and atone for the mistakes he’s made, in an effort to bring back the world he’d been excited for, as an 11-year-old kid, so full of hope.

#Snape Meta #Severus Snape #Pro Snape #Snapedom #Snape Community #This will be the TRUE test of the tags #Essay Jam #Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult

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webofstories · 3 years

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Never Hurt You - T.H *TW and Fluff*

Summary: Y/N was in an abusive relationship before meeting Tom but never told him. When they get in a fight, Tom realizes that Y/N gets scared of him, and she has to tell him about her past.

Warnings: abuse, mentions of abuse, arguments, angst, scars, angry!Tom

They forgot how they got to this point. In the midst of the yelling and slamming of doors, they wouldn't be able to tell you what even started the argument.

Tom was convinced he did nothing wrong, and she was trying to explain her feelings. Neither of those things went together.

Tom started doubting whether anything he was saying was actually right or not... but something inside his thick skull just couldn't seem to be bothered to listen to a word she was saying.

"Tom, please!" Y/N yelled, exhausted from the fighting, "Can we just stop? I don't want to fight!"

Her stomach had been tied in knots, feeling like she was about to throw up. Tom was so angry, so frustrated... she didn't want the worst to happen.

"No, Y/N!" He yelled, making you flinch. You were scared, that instinct knowing that Tom wouldn't hurt you was out the door.

"You're being so fucking difficult and unfair about this. Why can't you just see that?!" He yelled once more.

You felt hot tears brimming in your eyes, refusing to allow your lip to quiver. You were scared for him to come closer, scared everytime he moved. Tom was so blinded with anger to notice that you flinched everytime he moved or raised a hand.

Your past relationship was so present in your mind that shooing the thoughts and trauma from it away wasn't possible. Your ex lover hurt you... badly.

Emotionally and physically, everything about this stupid argument with Tom was bringing you back to those times, making you want to cower in the corner.

"I-I'm sorry," your yells had been dying down to mutters, done with the arguing, "I'm just going to go to bed..."

You didn't want to tell Tom about your previous relationship. It was trauma you haven't battled yet, let alone tell another living soul about it. The only people that knew were you, your ex, and the nurse that always helped you when he was done cracking your ribs and . The thought was terrifying.

"No, don't you walk away from me!" He says through gritted teeth, grabbing your arm as you turned your back to him.

You feet couldn't turn around quick enough before he grabbed your arm, not missing a beat as he pulled you into his chest. He rage in his eyes- it was terrifying.

"Don't turn your back on me!" he yells in your face, making you want to do nothing more than disappear.

He back handed you hard enough to fall to the floor, making the side of your face throb. Your heart was racing, you couldn't be anymore aware of his every little movement.

"Please!" You screamed pleadingly, holding your hands out infront of you as if it would stop him, "P-Please, I'm sorry!"

He rolled his eyes, acting like he was going to walk away and just leave you there. Relief washed over you for a second, but quickly crashed down as his boot collided with your stomach, kicking your back into the coffee table.

"You're pathetic."

You screamed and dropped your entire body to the floor, your hands infront of yourself as you hid your face away from Tom's view. Your flashback made your skin crawl and it all felt too real. You're tears were pouring down your face- this wasn't happening.

"I'm sorry!" You quickly yelled, not even knowing what you were apologizing for, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't..."

Your voice trailed off as you broke down into tears on the floor. Tom stood there infront of you, absolutely stunned.

His heart was beating out of control out of the hour long argument and concern for you in this moment. As he looked over your body, it just screamed defense. Like someone was about to beat the crap out of you.

The sound of her tears made his heart stop. He couldn't take it- how did he miss all the signs? He didn't realize he noticed her flinching, her eyes tearing up, and her feet shuffling her further and further away from him as he yelled.

Those were all signs and he ignored them because he was angry? He hated himself.

He didn't know what to do, let alone how to fix this. He was so in shock that it took him a minute to clap back.

Eyes on you, he crouched down to your level, sticking his legs out infront of him as he sat on the floor next to you. You were backed up against the couch, and the sight made his heart hurt incredibly.

"Love?"

His voice was soft now, tender and sweet. You noticed, but felt so embarrassed. Your arms were wrapped around you now, scared to look up from your knees. He sounded like he put 2 and 2 together. You were scared.

"I'm sorry..." you whisper, your voice hoarse.

"You're not the one who should be apologizing." He whispers back, just wishing to see your pretty eyes, yet, he hated when they were filled with tears.

Tom had seen the scars on your body before. He never questioned them, but seeing as you never talked about your ex and you always flinched at a simple touch or movement of a hand, he always had a suspension that your ex hurt you. He didn't know just how badly.

"Those scars on your back..." Tom whispers, wishing he could hold you, "Did he do that?"

Your eyes met his at his word, his heart aching as he took in their red, puffy state. Your cheeks were tear stained and you were breathing heavily, your throat feeling dry. Tom hated himself for triggering this reaction out of you. He hated seeing you cry.

You nodded your head, answering his question without words. It was so hard to talk about. He deserved to know, but you didn't know what to say.

"But... why?" Tom didn't want to pester but he needed answers. He knew there was no excuse for hurting someone. "Who would want to hurt you?"

You felt like your throat was closing up on you. The saddest part was that he never had a reason for hurting you. It was all... natural to him.

"He never needed a reason," your voice croaked, shuffling your feet, "Not drugs, not alcohol, not a mental illness... it was just me."

"That's ridiculous, darling, don't tell yourself that," Tom said sternly, placing a soft hand on your knee, "There's no excuse for what he did. It was nothing that you did, it was his choice."

"But he always got so angry with me-"

"Y/N, listen to me." Tom scoots closer to you, placing you in his lap. It startled you, but he wraps his strong arms around you and you suddenly felt safe.

"Any guy that puts a hand on a woman or anyone else is a waste of creation. He deserves hell for what he's done to you, and there's no reason for him to even hurt a hair on your head." Tom speaks strongly, making you look him in the eye as his thumb caressed your arm.

"You get on everything single one of my nerves and I've never once thought about even flicking you, love. I'd never hurt you, never in a lifetime or more... it just makes me love you more. You mean too much to me to even think about it." he whispers shakily.

Tom had tears in his eyes, your sensitive boy. You smiled at him, tears on your lips as you wiped them away. You cupped Tom's face in your hands and brushed your small thumbs under his eyes gently, caressing the tears off his face. He smiled, leaning into your touch as he closed his eyes. He'd never hurt you.

"I believe you." You whisper, resting your forehead against his.

His hand rubbed your lower back gently, cupping your cheek oh-so-tenderly as he placed the lightest of kisses on your lips.

"I'm sorry for arguing with you and triggering that, pretty girl... I've been frustrated with work and shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry." Tom admits, guilt pinging his heart.

"It's okay," you chuckle a bit, kissing his forehead gently, "It takes two for an argument, so I'm sorry too."

Neither of you said anything else as Tom picked you up and carried you to the bed you shared. With whole hearted intentions, he removed all your clothes, which were tear stained. Lightly touching the scars on your back and stomach, he layed you down and peppered kisses on all of them.

He removed his clothes and slid into bed next to you, doing nothing but holding you close. Nothing else needed to be said, for everything happened that was supposed to happen.

Tom was happy that he knew about your past despite the pent up rage he had inside him for your ex. He'll learn to let it go.

With drooping eyes, you fell asleep with parted lips, facing Tom. He couldn't help but stare at what he had infront of him, letting out a sigh of content as he pulled you closer to his body.

He whispered one last thing before slipping into a peaceful sleep.

"I'd never hurt you..."

He never wanted to lose this.

#marvel #the avengers #tom holland x reader #tom holland fluff #tom holland imagine #peterparker #tomholland #tom holland smut #peter parker smut #angst #fluff #imagine #smut #tom holland fanfiction

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yunsoh · 3 years

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s3 episode 3 thoughts and oh boy!!! trio time. disaster siblings + yuki time.

- man have i missed the student council. just wow have i missed them

- tbh my first thought is just how cute kimi is at the start of this ep. also i love that she and yuki have this same problem with the seniors suddenly confessing their love/trying to ask them out before they graduate and while yuki’s sitting here like “i can only hurt their feelings :(” kimi’s straight up like “let them throw a pity party!! whatever” queen

- and of course “what makes a guy attractive is his bank account 💖” fave. and kakeru agreeing with “true facts” god the two of them. mhm.

- the way that kimi decimates nao’s entire life and career in one fell swoop. get his ass. also i find it endlessly funny that nao has a crush on minagawa of all girls because she is point blank the most obnoxious girl in the whole school. like it just seems like he wouldn’t have the patience for her at all LMAO but i guess crushes just do that to your brain sometimes

- the girls calling machi scary for knocking over a bunch of chalk while being dead fuckin silent on haru literally destroying their classroom. actually not even dead quiet the girls literally cleaned up after him. hot privilege.

- i’m endlessly curious about how this rumor about machi trying to kill her little brother even got around like. i have to assume it was something that slipped from either her parents or kakeru’s mom to other parents of kids who go to the same school/adjacent schools. because obviously it did not come from kakeru and he’s the only other person who knows yk.

- kakeru: *sulks*

- machi: *trots*

- ugh man it’s machi’s parents just continuing to put her own feelings in her mouth and never once letting her have control over her own personhood, down to displaying her thoughts or emotions. “you’ll be more comfortable alone.” also her dad saying that he assumed that machi might try to hurt her brother and treating that as the truth because she’s never had the space to become an individual to them separate from what they project onto her. how much can you hate your child actually.

- also find it interesting that kakeru has never fully questioned whether or not machi actually tried to kill her brother. when he says it to yuki, he says “what those girls said is pretty close to the truth.” and when yuki says he finds it hard to believe, kakeru says he “may be right,” since it’s just the version of the story he heard from his parents. but all things considered i don’t think he’s necessarily ever believed it to be true; he’s just never been able to see machi’s side of the story because she’s been fully closed off to confiding in him, which is mostly because she feels as though she won’t be listened to or understood anyway thanks to the treatment she’s had from her parents.

- that said. kakeru go to jail

- it’s about yuki feeling comfortable enough to engage in physical acts of friendship without so much as thinking about it. yeah :)

- i do find it interesting that kakeru remembers this moment of machi making footprints in the snow when they were younger. it’s something that would probably be easily forgettable but it stuck with him because even he found something a little off about it.

- this whole minute is just such a whirlwind. the little arrows pointing to yuki. machi trying to slam the door on them. kakeru dragging yuki in to the point that he’s tripping over his own feet. yuki calling it the sea of decay with sincerity but machi has no idea what the context is. the bra. machi about to throttle yuki. kakeru finally fucking leaving after getting hit and still being a shit. this all happens in like forty seconds.

- her best quality: her squiggles

- oh this visual of her having to walk this tightrope with her mom. interesting

- also interesting how young machi sounds in this scene where her mom is talking down on her to another person. i know she must be in her first or second year of middle school (just because kakeru was in middle school when he finally got out of the inheritance situation) but it really drives home just how young she was.

- also heartbreaking because this is a moment where machi is trying to stand up for herself and asking why her mom is saying those things about her when she’s the one who shaped her this way, and she’s just so thoroughly shut down by her that she can’t cope.

- i thought this shot was adapted well, although i think the scene itself is kind of confusing -- in the manga, it’s insinuated that she has this breakdown moment right after this conversation with her mom, and that it’s the first time she reacts this destructively (in the manga her outfit is the same between shots, and it doesn’t appear that she’s in her own apartment yet -- it’s more ambiguously just a home office). here though they change it so that it’s a more recent event -- more like she’s reacting this way because she’s remembering this conversation, rather than reacting directly after it. the outfit she wears in this scene is the same one she wears when her parents are accusing her of trying to hurt her brother, too; it’s also reasonable to read this as her having a breakdown after being left alone in her apartment for the first time. to the team’s credit her window is also broken in the season 2 ep where we see her apartment for the first time, so we can assume that they made this change deliberately.

- yuki is so genuinely kind as usual, but it’s also because he does have a thread of personal understanding of where she’s coming from. he also suffered from being held to an incredibly high standard and was similarly emotionally neglected because of this, but it’s also something he’s come to terms with and has started to heal and move on from. so he’s at a place where he’s able to give her some comfort. even just the simple act of praise for still being here, and just being herself, is something that is so desperately needed.

- kakeru listening in..... boy take ur notes

- literally yuki is like the epitome of being machi’s senior like this moment is just sooo gentle but also protective i think. like he’s really just taking the helm where kakeru has been unable to all this time. he’s her mentor in a way.

- kakeru’s goofy fucking ringtone and the animation that goes with it. love that

- the chalk-breaking scene did change the game. yuki is just completely on for her to the point that he doesn’t even stop what he’s saying to consider it. he’s just really looking out for her :’(

- rest of the ep under the cut because i know this is gonna be about minagawa lmfao

- oh this new scene is cute? love kyo actually helping out + uo and hana just fucking chilling. also uo hana and yuki only giving a fuck about tohru while kyo falls from like eight feet up.

- yuki literally only coming in for that second lmfao king

- i knew that this would be the minagawa ep and yet when yuki said he had an appointment i was like...... are you....... going to the doctor’s for some reason....... this is a weird reboot addition..............

- the beginning of this scene is weeeeeird what a weird transition to minagawa. also this feels super jarring and i knew this was coming?? like there’s no setup for this being a goodbye to minagawa she’s just suddenly sitting there getting super nostalgic

- i am grateful though that they didn’t split the time these chapters got completely 50-50. minagawa only getting like five minutes of screentime before gong away forever feels apt.

- minagawa really is just here to say “thank you yuki for being the center of my harassment campaign on the general student body here for these past two years” before bouncing. this isn’t even a point of character development she literally didn’t learn anything.

- the pacing of this feels so WEIRD like. on the one hand, glad it’s only five minutes. on the other hand why was it included at all. it really dampers the rest of the ep and just feels super distracting.

- the dramatic music....... the dramatic flashbacks......... i mean it tracks for her but i just cannot take it seriously lmaooo

- wow the way this is delivered just makes this scene with minagawa feel extra undeserved. like even more so than in the manga. that’s pretty incredible.

- am i going to sit here and make mental parallels between the fact that neither minagawa nor machi actually know yuki personally. like they’ve both been observing him from afar this whole time. like is that the parallel i’m supposed to draw this episode that both of these girls have crushes on him but he hasn’t actually divulged anything personal to either of them. idk. like i know the answer is no and that it’s more fodder for him having a romance plot and whatever but. idk!

- what is happening what is happening what is happening

- this departing song + the shots of the empty school feels so fucking weird. we’re saying goodbye to minagawa and takei. what is being imparted emotionally does not match the actual narrative we are receiving. also feels weird to put a scene with this much “goodbye” emotion in the third episode?

- did i just fast forward through this nao and minagawa scene. maybe.

- oh that’s right we also get hiro at the end of this chapter too. and kagura talking about rin. this pacing is weird

- it still baffles me that rin was able to graduate how tf did she manage that

- wow i really wish these last parts of the ep were moved to the next episode or something. they feel really out of place squashed into the end here. this rin bit definitely deserved more time to let the weight sink in.

#fruits basket #fruits basket spoilers #surprisingly felt like i didn't talk too much about this ep #probably because i've talked about all this stuff w machi to death already

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seven-oomen · 3 years

Text

Breaking the cycle | How Teen Wolf portrays its traumatized fathers

First of, I would like to say that the following words are my take on this. I am a 29 year old trans man of Caucasian descend who is an domestic violence and abuse survivor. I am diagnosed with ADHD since 12 and diagnosed with CPTSD since this year. I understand trauma and I understand what it does to people. But I am not a professional. I am a fan.

Secondly, the characters I’ll be talking about today are specifically the fathers of some of the main characters in Teen Wolf. Namely Chris Argent, Peter Hale, and Noah Stilinski.

I realize there are many more traumatized parents who would fit well in this essay and while I thought about including them, I decided that for now, these are the three characters I’m focusing on.

I would love to hear your thoughts about some of the other parents and how their traumatizing pasts might have contributed to the way they raised their children.

Sources are listed under the read more. The gifs I’m using are from Google.

I will be focusing on these characters, discuss what sort of trauma they have, how it affects them and how it affects the way they then raised their children. And why their stories are important for trauma and abuse survivors.

Let’s start with Noah Stilinski.

From Episode 3, Season 6 Sundowning we know the following about Noah’s homelife:

Elias was known for being both emotionally and physically abusive, and on at least one occasion, Noah stepped in to protect his mother from his abuse, causing his father to inadvertently throw him into a glass coffee table; his shoulder was scarred, and tiny fragments of glass remain under the now-healed wound even in the present day.

He even tells Scott: (While talking about a memory of him and Claudia in College.) “The kind of father I wish I had. The kind I... I hope to be."

In the same episode Noah also refers to the incident above as “That time.” Indicating that it wasn’t the first time this happened and it wasn’t the last either.

Piecing all the information together we can conclude that Noah was emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused by his father. We can also conclude that this abuse extended to his mother. Meaning he was also a victim of domestic violence.

There is also evidence in the episode that Elias might have abused Stiles, or at the very least has a very negative opinion of his grandson. “ That's right! Act like I'm not even here! Go crawling back to your dead wife and loser son!”

This scarred Noah, both physically and mentally. We see evidence of this in episodes where he reacts violently and explosively any time his son is hurt. He immediately blows up and threatens physical violence against the people who hurt his son.

A part of that is parental protection, but imagine that someone beat the living crap out of you and those you love every day of your life. Once you’re free of that person it leaves a mark and a smoldering fear of seeing the people around you getting hurt. When it happens you get angry, at the people who hurt your loved one, and at yourself. You weren’t there to protect them, you were too late.

Noah blames himself whenever Stiles gets hurt. I believe, based on his childhood home life that Noah corresponds his son getting hurt with failure as a parent. And knowing where he comes from, that’s an extra sore subject for him.

We have basis of it in canon.

We can also see that Noah’s guilt tends to eat at him if he ever has to discipline Stiles or yell at him. As shown in the following scene.

I believe that the abuse Noah endured makes him a very scared individual especially when it comes to raising his son. He’s constantly afraid he’s turning into his father, his afraid of making the same mistakes. He’s afraid he’ll scar and traumatize his own as he was traumatized himself.

The fact that Noah is aware of what he’s doing, that he stops when asked is enough of an indication to tell us, the audience, that he isn’t his father. Once Stiles indicates he’s okay, or simply tells his father to stop, Noah stops immediately. He usually hugs his son or initiates a kind physical contact right after.

He stops, he reflects, realizes his mistake, and tries to do better.

This is one way to break the cycle. Noah’s not perfect at it, we can see him struggle many times. He insults Stiles or his intelligence without meaning to, passing it off as a joke, he’s constantly working and is not around as much as he should be. And those are valid criticisms of this character.

But deep at his core Noah’s trying to break a cycle of physical and emotional abuse, he’s trying to be there for Stiles. Tells him to go to school, tries to keep an eye on Stiles and tries to talk to him whenever he has the chance to explore Stiles’s wellbeing and feelings.

This is a man who went through hell as a child, became a father, and decided to do better.

Noah is a character who effectively broke a viscous cycle and has a wonderful and strong relationship with his son as a result. It’s not without flaws and Noah’s not perfect. But he’s generally not abusive or an abuser. And that is a step in the right direction.

It also shows us, the audience, that no matter what home life you come from, you can arise above your own traumas and do better for the next generation.

Now Chris Argent is an interesting one. I already talked about Chris and trauma in my daddy’s little soldier meta.

Considering the type of person Gerard is, and how he treats several teenagers in the show. I believe Chris is also a victim of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. We don’t know much about his home life with his mother, so that I can not speculate on.

What we do know is, Gerard has no qualms about hurting children and teenagers. He’s admitted that he would kill his own son if it meant he survived. He’s raised his own son to be a weapon and to compartmentalize his emotions. I shudder to think as to what methods Gerard must have used on Chris. But as we never see them, I can only speculate.

So how did Chris break his cycle of abuse?

By not raising Allison to be a hunter. For the first seventeen years of her life, Allison didn’t know the Supernatural existed. She was kept out of her father’s life until it was no longer possible. She was never raised as a soldier, she wasn’t raised to hide her feelings. If anything, her father encouraged her and nurtured her to the best of his abilities. Chris tried to be there for his daughter.

He even moved her to France to get her away from their lives. He quit something he was raised to do and did it successfully, just to protect his daughter. He grew up to be everything his father wasn’t.

And while Chris, too, is not perfect at it, he does try and breaks the cycle.

He’s aware of their problems, addresses them, and tries to do better. He even extends this nurturing and protective side to Isaac later down the line.

Chris, a victim of abuse, sees the signs of abuse in Isaac, and decides; this one, this one I will nurture and protect too. Which he eventually accomplishes by bringing him to France and away from the craziness that is Beacon Hills. (Would have been nice to get a good plot about Chris adopting Isaac, but well, that’s another rant.)

Chris, like Noah, shows that even if you were raised in the worst circumstances, by being aware of your trauma and how that affects others, you can break the cycle and come out on top.

And last but not least we have someone who went through an horrific event and possibly emotional abuse from his family, discovered he was a father, and then had to adjust.

I’m talking about Peter Hale.

Now Peter is not a morally good character in general. He has no qualms about killing people who get in his way. From what we know about his childhood Peter also had anger issues as a small child and often broke his toys.

However, the reason why I’m stating that Peter was most likely emotionally abused (I think by his sister Talia) is because we know that Talia, would not believe Peter about the fire and the Argents and waved his concerns away without considering them. She manipulated multiple of his memories and frequently hid the truth from him. And we know that their relationship from before the fire was strained.

We also know that Peter does care about his family. He cared for Cora in the hospital and he does care about whether Derek lives or dies and tends to keep an eye out for his nephew. In later seasons we also see Peter caring about his only daughter Malia and even express fear for her wellbeing when they go up against the Anuk-Ite.

His love for Malia is eventually what frees him from the Ghost Riders control and his wish for her to live is what motivates his decisions in Season 6 to try and keep her safe, and when he can’t keep her away from the fight, he joins her and tries to protect her.

Now I believe that the Peter we see in S1,2, 3 and S6B are the real Peter Hale. A traumatized man who believes his only way to stay alive is through manipulation and careful planning. But he does genuinely seem to care about a few people, Cora, Derek, and Malia.

In Season 1 Peter is still coming out of his traumatic event (being burned alive and then being in a coma) and he has to navigate a new world. He kills Laura (or so it is speculated) for her Alpha power and to heal himself. Because to Peter, he is the only one who can avenge his family and resolve the traumatic event he went through.

Revenge, of course, is generally not a good way to resolve trauma and the plan doesn’t work. His trauma is not resolved by killing Kate and he dies that night.

When Peter comes back practically powerless he has to navigate carefully and he does so through manipulating the people around him. To Peter, manipulation is the only way to stay alive and get ahead. This idea of his, had to come from somewhere.

This is where my theory of emotional abuse kicks in. Because if Peter was emotionally abused by his sister (for which there is evidence in canon), he most likely picked up his tactic of manipulation as a survival tactic.

Now out of the list. Peter is the only person who doesn’t fully rise above his past. The past still haunts him as he becomes a protector of Beacon Hills in S6B. But I firmly think that if we got to see more of Peter past this point, we would have seen a man starting his journey to recognizing his toxic traits and trying to do better by them. But that of course, is just speculation.

Peter’s story teaches us that the road to healing and becoming a better person isn’t always linear. It’s not a given that you’ll heal if you aren’t ready to accept it. Or if you’re so focused on getting revenge that healing is impossible, it’s also not going to work. And usually, trying to heal requires a positive presence in your life (Malia), a support system (Malia and the pack), and a willingness to recognize what you’re doing wrong and to better yourself moving forward.

Sources:

Breaking the Cycle of Child Abuse - Article written by a psychologist and peer reviewed by a psychiatrist

The cycles of violence - Article written for the WHO by the University of Birmingham

The Teen Wolf Wiki - for all information and episodes of these characters

Teen Wolf - MTV tv show that owns the characters.

#chris argent #noah stilinski #peter hale #teen wolf meta #teen wolf #meta #long post #trauma #healing #breaking the cycle

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juviaafullbuster · 4 years

Note

If u can, can u make a gruvia oneshot just before gray leaves to 100 years quest? And Juvia isnt really happy about it because it felt like when he left her for 6 months

You guys really have a thing for angst, don't you? You're killing me over here. But ask and you shall receive! Hope you like it 💙

Repeating mistakes

The moment he left his place, he knew something was wrong. Not that it was hard to figure out. The rain that was drenching him from head to toe was a pretty good indicator.

Usually it wouldn't bother him much. He wasn't a fan of hot weather anyways. This rain however, this one was different. Because it wasn't the normal kind. No, he was certain this was her rain, produced by feelings that she would describe as gloomy.

Gray hurried to the guild hall. The sooner he got there, the better. It had been a while since she last made it rain like that. The only time he experienced it himself was when they first fought against each other, back when she was still with Phantom. After that, there was only one more time he was aware of. And that was when he had left her to go on an undercover mission, joining a dark guild, without any notice. It had been for her own safety however it turned out hurting her more deeply than the dark guild could have ever done. Gray didn't like to remember that. Not what he had done, not how she had felt. It was something he wasn't very proud of and there was still deep regret. If Natsu hadn't found her in time..

He shook the thought away, focusing on the building in front of him. The rain was falling harder here, dark clouds looming over the guild hall, an indicator that she was inside.

Somehow that worried him more. Everyone else was most likely in there too, so she wasn't alone. What could have happened that would lead her to produce such a rain? And why couldn't anyone else in there do something about it? He took a deep breath before entering the guild hall. Mira was in front of him in an instant, a sympathetic smile on her face, holding out a towel for him.

"You're not the first one to come in drenched. The others are using Natsu as a human heater."

Gray took the towel, not really focusing on what Mira was saying. Instead he found himself glancing around, holding an eye out for a certain blunette. He felt a hard slap on his back, before Cana throw her arm over his shoulders.

"I don't know what you did to the little cutie, but you better fix it fast. I planned to use the pool today so you better hurry up lover boy. She's in the back."

Ignoring the comment as well as the nickname, he looked over to Mira, silently asking if she was actually in there. Not that he didn't trust Cana, but, to noones surprise, the girl was pretty drunk once again, and had pointed in several different directions with the bottle in her hand already. Mira just giggled before pointing to the first door on the left. Shaking Cana off, he made his way over there. He knocked on the door, before holding his ear to it, waiting for any reaction.

"Juvia, are you in here?"

Another knock, yet no reaction. Gray sighed before deciding to just go in. She would have to talk to him, whether she wanted to or not. Although it was hard to imagine her not wanting to talk to him. Boosting his confidence with that, he took a deep breath before opening the door slowly. Luckily it was unlocked. He looked around before spotting her, sitting near the window and looking outside. If she knew he entered, she didn't show.

"Juvia?" He walked up to her, awaiting her reaction. Any moment now she would turn around, smile, call his name or jump him. Or do all of that. At least she usually would.

Instead she just glanced over her shoulder, informing him that she registered his presence, before focusing back on whatever it was she was looking at outside. Maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as Gray had hoped.

"Hey.. can I sit?" He waited a moment before he received a mumbled reply.

"Sure."

At least she was talking now. He plopped down next to her, following her line of sight. Of course she was staring at the rain droplets, following their way down the window with her eyes.

"Want to tell me what this is about? Did something happen?"

"No."

"Then what is it? What's wrong?"

She kept quiet, pulling her knees closer to her body and draping her arms around them.

"Juvia, talk to me."

He heard her sigh before she finally looked at him. There were unshead tears in her eyes, threatening to roll down any moment. She didn't look angry, no, instead the look on her face showed pain. She was clearly hurt. Gray thought back to Canas words. I don't know what you did.. Was that really his doing? What did he do?

Gray tried to remember anything that had happened in the past weeks, anything he did or said that might have hurt her but he couldn't put his mind on anything. He was sure that he had been nice lately, especially to her. Sure, he did avoid her a lot of times but that's only because he had yet to figure out how to act around her. He was just coming clear with his feelings himself. Is it possible she misunderstood his actions for rejection? It would certainly explain the look of hurt.

"Juvia.. did I do something wrong?"

Juvia huffed and suddenly she was glaring at him.

"It's more about what Gray didn't do."

Gray. Just Gray. No Graysama. Wow, he must have really messed up.

"Alright, help me out please.. what is it that I didn't do?"

"You didn't tell Juvia!"

"Tell you what?"

Gray was seriously lost at this point. What was he supposed to tell her? Was she talking about his feelings? He thought she understood that he was getting there. She always seemed so understanding before. Was she out of patience? Gray was afraid she'd reach that point eventually and give up on him.

"You didn't tell Juvia about your new mission. The so called 100 years quest?"

Gray couldn't help the sigh of relief. She wasn't giving up on him after all.

"Oh, that. What about it?"

"I can't believe you."

Juvia scoffed, turning her head away from him. That didn't stop him from seeing how the look of disbelief turned into a look of betrayal.

"Juvia, it's just a mission. What's the big deal?"

"You really don't see the issue?"

There was a moment of silence. Juvia was looking at him now, waiting for his reply. He scratched his neck awkwardly, not sure how to respond to her. What was the issue? It's not like it was unusual for him to go on missions. It was literally their job. Sure, this was a bigger one but it wasn't like he was going alone. Was that it? Did she want to join?

"Is it about me going without you? I didn't think it'd be an issue. I always go along with Natsu and the others. I didn't consider that you'd want to join us so badly. Besides, didn't you already agree to go on a mission with Gajeel?"

"It's not that."

"It's not?"

"No, of course not! Juvia doesn't care that you're going without her. Juvia is fine with you going on missions with others. Juvia is even fine with you going on missions with love rival. Sure, she would prefer it otherwise but she would never make a fuss over that."

"Then what is it you're making a fuss over?"

Juvia glared at him, anger now clearly visible in her eyes. Alright, maybe he could have phrased that differently. But he was seriously getting lost here. And can you blame him? Juvia had switched between several emotions, just in the last five minutes.

"Juvia is hurt because she forgave Graysama once, in the firm believe that it wouldn't happen again. Graysama is going to leave in less than a week and he has yet to tell Juvia about it."

"I was going to tell you, I just-"

"When? Before you got on the train? Juvia had to find out through Natsu, because he was declaring it all proudly, saying that he was going to be the one finishing this quest after all those years. It wasn't until Juvia asked Lucy out of all people, that she learned about the details!"

"I didn't think it was going to be such a big issue."

"Of course you didn't.."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Juvia was standing now, looking down at him, anger and hurt clearly visible. She didn't seem to want to hide it either. No, it was clear Juvia wanted Gray to know exactly how she was feeling. She was glaring down at him and Gray couldn't help but feel small. He wanted to get up, be able to face her properly, but somehow he was sure that would anger her just more.

"You left Juvia once without notice. Six months. Six months filled with pain, worry, doubt, sadness, anger. Juvia was a mess. Emotionally, mentally, physically, she was in a bad shape in every aspect. But you know that. You know how sick Juvia got. They told you about the fever, the waiting in the rain, the state Natsu and the others found her in. Juvia was so hurt, sad and angry. But also so worried."

At this point there were tears rolling down her cheeks. Gray wanted to hold her, to apologize, to wipe the tears away, but he didn't dare to move. The rain was getting louder, falling harder.

"But Juvia forgave you. Juvia forgave you for leaving her, for not telling her about your whereabouts, for making her worry so much. Juvia forgave you, even without you apologizing. Because Juvia understood. She understood why you did what you did."

She wiped her tears away, taking a moment to regain her posture before taking a deep breath and continuing.

"Juvia forgave you once. She forgave you in the belief that it wouldn't happen again. That Graysama learned from it. But here we are. Watching it all repeat itself. You're leaving on a mission, one that will take longer, a few months at least, and you have yet to tell Juvia. Everyone else was informed, but Juvia had to find out by accident, because she happened to be there when Natsu mentioned it. And why? Because Graysama didn't learn. Graysama didn't understand. Because Graysama didn't bother. Maybe Juvia forgave to fast back then, maybe it's her own fault.."

"Juvia-"

"No, don't. Just-"

A bitter laugh escaped her lips. Something so unusual for her.

"Juvia is a fool. She believed it, that we were making progress. That she just needed to be more patient. But Juvia was wrong. Because no matter what, Juvia will never be as important to Gray as he is to her."

With that she turned around, making her way out of the room and slamming the door behind her. Gray was left sitting on the floor, Juvias words echoing through his head. He had messed up. He had truly messed up and he wasn't sure how and if he was able to fix this. Minutes passed, minutes that felt like hours, but Gray didn't dare to move.

When he finally got up, he could hear the rain still falling, but it was slowing down. An indication that she was getting further away, the more time passed. And Gray was afraid that if he didn't find a way to fix things fast, he wouldn't be able to reach her anymore.

#gruvia #gray fullbuster #juvia lockser #gray x juvia #fairy tail

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jenonctcity · 4 years

Text

My Beginning - Part 3

Differences – Lee Jeno

Part of the Bad Boy Series.

Badboy!Au, Streetfighter!Au

Warnings: Mentions of mental health, Disability (blindness), Mild Violence, Mentions of suicide.

Word Count: 5.3k

“It’s hard being a father.” Renjun’s words rang through Jeno’s head like a school bell echoing through empty halls. The words bouncing around and causing his headache to build every time his head repeated the words in his brain. He let out a sigh, his head resting against the back of the sofa and his eyes shut, not that it would matter if they were open, he couldn’t see either way. He just preferred to keep his eyes closed, it meant he didn’t have to remember to blink when his eyes started to dry out or irritate. For the past week, Jeno’s world had been pitch black. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. With blindness came a sense of self-pity, boredom, and the overwhelmingness of relying on others to do basic tasks. It wasn’t only the blindness that was dousing his normal way of living with stress and worry. It was also the fact that you were carrying his unborn child. A child he did not want. Despite having you with him almost 24/7 because of his accident, the two of you still had yet to talk about the elephant in the room. You both kept putting the topic off and instead focused more on how to cope with Jeno’s lack of sight. You had quit university. It was a decision that was hard for you to make, but you knew it was the right thing to do. Jeno only had his friends to rely on, and they couldn’t be there for him as much as you could. So you quit your studies. Jeno had a lot of money saved up and had gotten Renjun to sell his car on for a hefty price too, so you could both live comfortably for the foreseeable future. Of course the money would run out eventually, but hopefully by that time, you would have solutions to your problems.

Jeno could still hear your whimpers echoing around his head with Renjun’s words. The whimpers you had let out when you’d walked back into the hospital room with a cup of water and found a doctor examining Jeno’s eyes, only to be told your boyfriend had lost his sight because of the damage done from the accident. Your knees buckled and luckily Jaemin had caught you before you’d hit the floor. Jeno just laid there and listened to you sob into his best friends’ chest for what seemed like hours. He felt numb, despite all the pain he was in, and he was at a loss of what to do. He was blind, with a baby on the way. He’d never felt more useless in his entire life as he laid in that bed and stared at the darkness. Jaemin had calmed you down, with promises whispered into your hair of everything being okay. The doctor had told you that it was rare for people to lose their sight permanently from head injuries, but it could happen, and only time would tell.

“When they’re babies, you think it’s easy to take care of them and then boom, they get diarrhoea, they wiggle around a bit, and shit goes all up their back.” Jeno could almost hear the smirk in Renjun’s voice. He let out another sigh and shook his head.

“Shut up.” He grunted, clenching his fists by his side as he tried to keep calm.

“You have to be cautious of the three S’s, screaming, sick, and shit.”

“You have to be cautious of my fists Renjun.” Jeno growled, lifting his head and turning it into the direction of Renjun. “I may be blind, but I can still hear you, and I will beat the fuck out of you if you don’t shut up.” He mumbled, his threat sounding weak causing Renjun to know he didn’t mean it.

“Alright daddy, keep your diaper on.” Renjun sniggered, reaching out and patting Jeno on the shoulder. “You’ll be fine Jen; you have all of us here to support you and I am the best dad in the world. Jiyeon is still alive!”

“You forgot her name yesterday...” Jeno deadpanned with a frown on his face.

“That was because all I’ve heard for the past few days is baby names! You know I’m about to have another one, it’ll be arriving any day now.” Renjun and his girlfriend had decided not to find out what gender their baby was, instead waiting and discussing baby names constantly. She was 4 days overdue and the baby would be arriving at any time.

“I’m pretty sure she is the one who takes care of you most of the time.” Jeno let out a soft laugh, his head turning to the sound of the door as it creaked open.

“Hey.” You greeted quietly as you walked through the door, smiling at Renjun and placing the grocery bags on the kitchen counter. “Is he okay?” You mouthed silently at Renjun, to which you received a smile and a curt nod. You rushed over to the sofa and slowly sat beside Jeno, not wanting to alarm him. He had been flinching a lot more and his nerves were constantly on edge if he couldn’t hear where everyone in the room was. “Hey handsome.” Your voice was soft, and you took his clenched fist into both of your hands. Jeno let out a long sigh and roughly pulled you into a tight hug. He breathed in, basking in your scent and rubbing his cheek against your own. This was the most affection he had given you since before his accident, and you felt like crying at the sudden love he was projecting onto you.

“I’m tired and fed up of hearing Renjun’s voice.”

“Fuck you, blind ass bitch.” Renjun muttered with a laugh.

“Do you kiss your daughter with that mouth?” Jeno shot back, pushing himself to his feet and lacing his fingers with your own.

“Do you know how to use protection?” Your eyes widened as the boys kept trying to push each other’s buttons. You knew they were both only jesting and that neither of them meant any harm, so you silently started to tug Jeno towards his room as he continued to argue with Renjun.

“Right back at ya, whore.” You closed the door once you’d gotten Jeno into his room, letting out a sigh and gently pushing him to sit on his bed.

“Well I’m glad that you’re still arguing with your friends.” You laughed softly, taking off your jacket and sitting behind Jeno on the bed. You grabbed a hairbrush and ran your hand through his hair, brushing it gently and being careful of the wound he had gotten from hitting his head on the floor. “How’s your head?”

“Painful, I have a headache too.” He sighed, leaning into your touch and relaxing. You’d gotten used to taking care of him as though he was your own child. He could probably do more for himself than you would allow him to, but you didn’t want him to hurt himself yet, so you were just being extra cautious with him. Silence fell between you both, and you pressed a kiss to the top of his head, having to lean up on your knees to reach. “We have to talk about the baby. We’ve been avoiding it since we got home, and it needs to be talked about.”

“Okay.” You sighed, moving to sit beside him and looking down at your feet. “I should have made you aware I wasn’t on the pill, I’m sorry.”

“It’s my fault too. It takes two people to make a baby and we were both irresponsible.” He faced forward, his voice sounding low but with a soft timber to it. You felt nauseous just from the conversation, not knowing where it would take you and what decisions you would make between the two of you. “I’m not ready for kids…I had it in my head that I would never be a parent, so this is…fucking with my head.” He ran has hands over his face and let out a groan. You could see he was battling with what to say, and you had a feeling he was going to lose his temper more than once in the upcoming months.

“Well…we should have talked about this before we started having sex. We had sex nearly everyday and you came inside of me nearly every time! Why did you not think to ask me about whether I was on contraceptive?!” You felt frustration coursing through you at how things had happened. You were too caught up the honeymoon phase of your relationship to even think about talking to him about what you both wanted in the future. You knew you wanted kids, and it didn’t bother you when you had them, especially since you were so infatuated with Jeno, you just felt like you were ready. Had you known he didn’t feel the same way, you would have done things different.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me not to finish inside of you?!” He shot right back at you, his own temper flaring up at your tone of voice. He couldn’t see you, which was making him frustrated because it was hard to tell how you were reacting based just off of your words and tone of voice.

“I wasn’t exactly a sex expert! I just laid on my back most of the time and let you do your thing, you know you’re my first for this, how was I supposed to guess that you were going to finish inside of me every fucking time!” It was starting to turn into a shouting match as you both expressed your opinions. Jeno didn’t want to admit that his breeding kink was what caused him to do it, because honestly, he felt stupid for not being cautious with his kink.

“This isn’t what I fucking wanted.” He stood up quickly, his fists clenching. He needed to hit something, but he couldn’t see what he was hitting, and there was no way in hell that he would endanger you by throwing fists blindly. You didn’t say anything to him, staying dead silent as you stewed in your thoughts and feels. Your silence made him snap. “Say something!!!”

“Are you going to leave me…?” The heart-breaking tone in your voice had Jeno’s hands unclenching and his chest rising and falling as he took a deep breath. His pause had tears welling up in your eyes, and you were glad he couldn’t see your watery eyes.

“No.” He shook his head, running a hand through his hair and gripping it tightly. You sniffed, trying to make sure that your voice was stable.

“Do you want me to get an abortion?” Your voice cracked as you spoke, warm tears falling down your cool cheeks and siting on your chin, waiting for the heaviness of more tears to fall to drip onto your tensed hands.

“No.” He answered faster this time, his own tears pooling in his eyes.

“Do you still love me?” You reached out and took one of his hands in both of your own. His fingers laced with yours, and he used your hand as a guide to sit himself back down on the bed.

“Of course I do.” He raised your hands to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to your fingertips. “Look, it’s going to take a long time for me to adjust to this, and I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m happy about having a baby. But I love you, and I don’t want to lose you. So we’ll make it work and I’m going to be there for you and the baby…our baby.” He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close to him. You squeezed him tightly, burying your head into the crook of his neck and letting out a soft sob.

“Thank you.” You whispered, kissing his jaw with a quick peck and relishing in being in his arms once more.

---

Haechan had never seen Jeno more down and depressed before in his life. It was hurting his heart to see Jeno sit on the sofa and wallow in self-pity, with the cloud of his disability and despair sitting around his head like a poisonous fog. Jeno was someone who needed to let go of his pent-up emotions, and he always did it with fighting. But he couldn’t do that easily without his sight. Haechan had been worried about Jeno’s mental health, especially because Jeno couldn’t wrap his head around the fact he was going to be a father. He’d created a life, and he knew he’d have a responsibility he had never originally signed up for. It was when Haechan had walked in on Jeno laid on the floor on his back with tear streaks on his cheek that Haechan had finally snapped.

“Get up Jeno.” He snapped with a dominating tone, kicking Jeno in the leg lightly.

“No.” He grunted back at him, not even moving a muscle.

“Get the fuck up. We’re going somewhere.” He left the room, leaving Jeno on the floor to quickly pack up a bag of things in Jeno’s room. When he came back, he saw Jeno sat up on the floor. “Get up!”

“Why?!”

“I’m fed up of you sitting there feeling sorry for yourself all of the time, we’re going to the gym. Come on!” They were teetering on it being an argument as Haechan grabbed Jeno by the collar and lifted him to his feet. Jeno shoved Haechan away roughly.

“Fuck off. I lost my sight and I’m having a baby I don’t fucking want. If I want to feel sorry for myself then I fucking will.” He growled, smacking Haechan’s hand away when it landed on his shoulder. “Don’t act like you suddenly give a fuck about me. Leave me alone.”

“Jeno you’re my fucking brother, I’m done with you not doing anything, it’s been a month and all you do is sit around and mope about the cards you’ve been dealt like no one else has any problems!!!” He shouted, causing his girlfriend to come out of their room with wide eyes.

“Hyuck, what are you doing?” Her voice made Jeno’s head hurt more.

“You can fuck off too!!!” He couldn’t help the words from leaving his mouth. She flinched, her eyes widening at the sudden attack. “You broke my heart and then tell my new girlfriend about what I’m like when I’m sleeping?! Yeah, I haven’t forgotten about that, it was as though you were trying to sabotage my happiness, but poor Jeno is a fucking push over who always lets everyone use him as a fucking doormat, so he never said anything!!!” He practically screamed, finally getting everything off of his chest. Jaemin and Renjun also appeared from their rooms, ready to step in in case anything happened. “Everyone thinks they can just say whatever they want to me or screw me over because I’m too kind to do anything about it. Fuck you all!” Jeno had tears streaming down his face that had everybody’s stomachs turning in guilt.

“Jeno calm down, this isn’t good for you.” Jaemin’s voice nearly had Jeno calming, but then his back went back up again and he shook his head, turning to where he had heard Jaemin’s voice come from.

“Don’t tell me to calm down you hypocrite, you’re the first person to get yourself into a state so bad that I have to talk you out of not killing yourself! Have I ever told you to calm down?! No! Because I know it doesn’t work. You don’t understand the pressure you put on me Jaemin, I’m constantly worried about whether I’m going to lose my best friend to depression.” He started to sob more, all of his thoughts spilling out because he couldn’t deal with them all being bundled up in his head anymore. Jaemin’s face fell and his stomach dropped through to the ground floor of the apartment building.

“Jen…” He rushed over to his best friend and bundled him up into his arms, Jeno broke down completely, his knees almost buckling as he sobbed on Jaemin’s shoulder. Jaemin silently cried as he cuddled his best friend. “I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t do it anymore; I can’t see, I’m not ready to have a baby, and people need to leave me the fuck alone.” He whimpered into Jaemin’s shoulder. “I need to process this in my own time, but everyone is rushing me!”

“Jeno, it’s going to be okay. Let it out.” He rubbed Jeno’s back, swaying them both gently. Everyone else silently left the room, letting them be alone so that Jaemin could calm Jeno down. Haechan felt horrible, he was only trying to help, but he went about it the wrong way and ended up causing his best friend to have a complete mental breakdown.

“My life has just always been a mess…then I finally meet a girl I fall in love with that hasn’t hurt me, and now I can’t even see her…Jaemin I’m starting to forget what she looks like and it hurts so much.”

“I know, I know.” He moved them both to the sofa and settled Jeno on there tenderly.

“If I wasn’t blind…I would have left.” He mumbled, looking down at his hands and feeling like the worst person in the world for saying that.

“You don’t mean that.” Jaemin shook his head and tapping Jeno on the leg. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

“I’m not sure if I meant it or not.”

---

It had been 5 months since you and Jeno had came to an understanding about your baby. The past months had been difficult for you both. Jeno’s disability had been tough on you and him, but together the two of you were working through it. There had been some rough spots, like the time Jeno had tripped over his own feet and had ended up with a black eyes for a few weeks, or the time when you were super emotional because of you hormones and he snapped at you about something minor, leading you to cry on Jaemin’s shoulder for 3 hours solid. You had notice that he was still super hesitant to talk about the baby, and he would very rarely bring it up, only talking about it when someone else talked about it first. He had taken very little interest in his own child and had only touched your small bump when he was cuddling you in bed. Also, his vision hadn’t come back at all, which was making the tension inside of him get stronger and stronger the more the time went by.

“Tell your child to stop kicking me.” You mumbled, half asleep under the covers of Jeno’s bed. He was cuddling up to your neck and laying the softest of kisses to your hot skin, his lips trailing up your jaw and getting closer to your lips until he heard your words. He sighed and let out a soft groan, sitting up and placing his hand on your leg, trailing it up until he got to the small mound on your abdomen where his baby was cooking.

“It’s not kicking though?” He furrowed his eyebrows, twisting his body so he was facing your bump and placing both of his hands on it. “I can’t feel anything.” Jeno hadn’t felt the baby kick yet, he hadn’t been interested enough to ask if he could feel it whenever you made an offhanded comment about it moving, kicking, or hiccupping. You were actually taken by surprise when he’d placed his hands on the bump instead of just shrugging your words off.

“Wait a second...” You giggle and take his hands in your, moving them to either side of the bump and very gently putting pressure on them so his fingers dug in slightly. “There, feel that?” You smiled widely, watching the gentle look wash over his face as he felt his baby move for the first time. He nodded quickly, his whole body relaxing and a small smile tugging at his lips. You’d read online that the first time a father feels his child moving inside of the mother, could be a magical moment. And this was the first time you’d seen Jeno be paternal towards his unborn child, so it did feel magical to you. He suddenly pulled his hands away and cleared his throat.

“I’m worried that my sight won’t come back.” He laid back down on his side, pulling your body against his and letting out a sigh that sent a shiver down your spine. “It’s been over 5 months and I still can’t see shit…what if I never get to see our baby?”

“Jeno, give it some more time, the doctor said it could take up to a year for you to see any improvements. Don’t give up hope.” You leaned in and brushed your lips against his. His lips sought after your own when you withdrew them, causing you to smile softly and push them back against his.

“Thank you for taking care of me.” He whispered against your lips, moving the two of you so that he was half laying on top of you, being cautious of your stomach.

“You don’t have to thank me.” The kiss turned filthy, his tongue flicking against your own with one of his hands moving up to rub at your breast over your pyjama shirt. You felt arousal heat your body up for the first time in a while. You’d had sex with Jeno a couple of times since his accident, but it was getting harder to do the further along you got in your pregnancy, and Jeno often wasn’t in the mood whenever you were. “I need you.” You whispered into his mouth, gently giving his chest a push. He laid down on his back and got comfortable, his hands reaching out and trying to find your hips as you climbed on top of him. You straddled his hips, making quick work off pushing down your pyjama shorts and pushing Jeno’s boxers down just enough to pull his hardening cock out.

“Be careful baby.” Jeno muttered breathily, his hands finding purchase on your hips to keep you steady on him. You leaned down as far as you could, trying to reach his lips and letting out a whine when your bump wouldn’t allow you to get any closer to him. Jeno heard your whine and his eyebrows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

“I want a kiss, but I can’t reach!” You giggled through a whine, giving up and sitting back on your knees. Jeno chuckled lightly, then let out a long moan when you sunk down onto his cock, your warm walls sucking him in and sending a dull sensation of pleasure through you.

“Fuck baby, I’ve missed this.” He squeezed his shut eyes tighter, leaning his head back on the pillows. You placed your hands on his chest and rolled your hips, grinding down on his cock with vigour. He planted his feet on the bed, bucking his hips up to meet your own once you started to bounce, his cock hitting you in all the right places. You knew neither of you were going to last long, the ball inside of your stomach tightening the more you moved on top of him. He kept his hands tight to your sides, making sure you didn’t accidentally topple off of him as his thrusts got harder.

“Jeno I’m gonna cum!” You squealed, almost falling forward as you felt the fire of your orgasm rip through you, your thighs shaking and pussy convulsing around his solid cock.

“Shit!” Jeno opened his eyes as he came, his hips stuttering and his eyes immediately tearing up when he saw your blurry silhouette in the light of the room. “Fuck.” He bursts into tears, shutting his eyes immediately and letting go of your hips to cover his eyes with his hands.

“Jeno? What’s wrong?!” You carefully moved off of him, crawling beside him and trying to pull his hands from his face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine baby.” He sniffled, rubbing his eyes and smiling through his tears. “I just love you so much. Thank you for looking past all the shit in my life and seeing the good.” He didn’t want you to know about his improvement, just in case it was a fluke and he went back to being completely blind permanently.

“Oh Jeno.” You melted on the inside at seeing him weep from the reason he gave you. “I love you too.” You leaned down, finally able to from the angle you were now sitting in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

---

Jeno had been keeping a huge secret from you. One he was actually surprised that he could keep a secret because of how much time he spent with you. But it had been two months since he first got a sliver of his vision back. And he could happily tell people that he could officially see again and was no longer classed as legally blind. His vision wasn’t the same as it once was, but he could now see clearly if he had on his new glasses. After finding out about his improving sight, he’d asked Renjun to take him to and from appointments so that he could keep it silent from you in order to surprise you when the time was right. He did admit to Renjun that when he saw you for the first time with your pregnant belly, he had a nervous breakdown. The whole situation of becoming a father finally dawning on him as he saw you struggle to put on your socks. He didn’t help you, mostly because it would have given his surprise away, which yes, he does feel bad for, but you got your socks on in the end!

Something Jeno never could have prepared himself for was when you woke him up at 3am, complaining of pains in your abdomen and whining about the food you had eaten earlier on in the day. He had cuddled you, stroked your hair, and told you to go back to sleep. You’d managed to drift off, but an hour later, you were whining even more because the pain had gotten worse, and the pain was coming in waves that didn’t seem to be slowing down, but instead of speeding up. It was when the bed suddenly became wet and Jeno had thought that you’d peed on him when you realised you were going into labour. The next thing you did was cry, because you weren’t supposed to be due for another 6 weeks, so the baby was more than a month early. Jeno had shouted for Renjun, who had come running in his pyjamas to help the two of you out. You couldn’t thank Renjun enough for all the help he’d been giving the two of you since you found out that you were going to become parents. Sure he loved to clown you both about it, but he was also a big help with getting ready for the baby’s arrival.

When you’d arrived at the hospital, you’d been taken to a room to be prepared for giving birth. You were frightened, because you knew your baby wasn’t going to be as big as most babies, and anything could happen. Jeno had been sat at your bedside through all of your contractions, his hand being held tight in your own and his lips on your forehead whispering words on encouragement. You wondered why he was wearing the glasses that he had told you were simply for fashion and because he felt strange walking around with his eyes shut, but the thought quickly rushed from your head when a painful contraction hit you like a truck.

“Fuck!” You screamed, not usually cursing but the word just tumbled from your lips as you squeezed Jeno’s hand tightly.

“You’re doing so well babe.” He kissed your sweaty forehead, pushing back the messy hair of your forehead and watching as some midwives entered the room. His heart was pounding in his chest, he knew there was no going back now, his life was about to change forever. But he didn’t know whether it was for the good or bad.

“It’s time to push now sweetheart.” The midwife said to you, her and her colleague prepping you to give birth. Jeno took a deep breath, exhaling and inhaling repeatedly to stop the panic attack that was creeping up on him like a lion about to attack a zebra. Everything went by like a blur to Jeno. He heard your groans of pain as you pushed, his hand being gripped in yours like a tightening vice as the midwives gave you words of encouragement. He was speechless, his eyes following the tiny baby as it was pulled from you and taken away to be cleaned up. Jeno had never seen a baby so small in his entire life, and he turned to look at you, his mouth hanging open in shock from the reality of becoming a father.

“Oh my god.” You let out a soft sob when they handed you your baby wrapped in a white blanket. “Jeno, it’s a boy…he’s so beautiful.” Jeno gulped, looking down at his son in your arms. You couldn’t describe the love that bloomed in your stomach as you stared down at your squirming baby in awe. He didn’t cry, he just opened his little eyes ad stared blankly up at the ceiling. “Hey little guy…”

“Can I hold him?” Jeno’s voice was wobbling and you nodded, very carefully handing over the baby to him. You still thought he couldn’t see, so to see him looking down at the baby with open eyes, his eyes flickering up and down the tiny boy’s body as he studied his son. “Minjun.” He whispered the name you’d agreed on for a boy. “He looks like a Minjun.” Jeno glanced up at you, and you felt your heart soar.

“Y-you can see?” Jeno nodded, leaning forward and kissing you tenderly on the lips. “Since when?! Jeno I’m so happy.” You started to cry once more, overwhelmed from the birth of your son and from finding out about your loves eyesight. You wanted nothing more than for Jeno to be able to see his baby, and he could. Happy wasn’t strong enough to describe how you felt.

“The past few months it’s been slowly coming back, I have to wear glasses to see but…it’s better than nothing. (Y/N) you did such a good job, he’s wonderful.” Jeno’s smile lit up his entire face like you’d never seen before. He held Minjun’s little hand with his fingertip and could feel the tears welling up in his eyes.

“Well you helped me make him.” You giggled, watching the magical moment between father and son.

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Minjun’s forehead, sniffing back his tears even though one rolled down his cheek. “I wasn’t too keen on the thought of you when I first heard you were going to be arriving you know, but now I can’t imagine not having you. I’m going to do the best I can for you, and you will have the best life I can give you. My own father wasn’t a nice man to me, he hurt me a lot, and set me up for a lifetime of worry. But that’s all my past. You and your mummy are just the beginning, my beginning.”

---

So what are we thinking? Let me know your thoughts! This story has been a wild ride, thank you all so much for getting this far!

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iatethepomegranate · 3 years

Text

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 11

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, and learns to be a person and protect those who have been hurt like he has.

Content warnings: Caleb's backstory, mentions of abuse from teachers, discussions of institutionalisation, implied medical abuse

Chapter summary: Caleb was hurting, but he wasn't the only one. If he could do nothing else, he could care for his friends, and they could care for him.

Chapter notes: Kirschtorte is just Black Forest Cake with the geographic reference removed because Zemnian. Chapter title is from Neptune by Sleeping At Last

Chapter 11: If brokenness is a work of art surely this must be my masterpiece

Dinner was a solemn affair, no matter how much Caduceus and Yasha tried to provide comfort in the food they made. The spiced, fried bugs that Yasha had convinced them all to try were actually very good. And they hadn’t made apple tarts today--Jester would have been furious if they’d tried it in her absence--but they made a different Zemnian dessert instead: Kirschtorte. Layers of chocolate sponge sandwiched with whipped cream, sour cherries and a cherry liqueur unique to the Zemni Fields, with a few cherries placed on top.

It tasted so much like home that Caleb stopped eating, folded his arms on the table, rested his head on them, and cried. He had been too tired to excuse himself.

“Was the cake that bad?” Yasha half-whispered.

“No,” Beauregard said thickly. “It’s good, babe. I don’t think that’s… I think it’s been a long day. Long two days.”

Essek rubbed slow circles into Caleb’s back, but the group let him cry without disturbing him. Caduceus handed him a glass of water when he was finished. Caleb did not miss Beauregard twisting away from him to wipe her eyes. And Caleb was struck by another wave of emotion, grief at how much Beauregard was hurting, that almost brought him to tears all over again.

After dinner, Essek helped Caduceus and Yasha with the dishes. They hadn’t let Caleb or Beauregard help tonight. Caleb caught Beauregard as she left the kitchen, and guided her to the couch. They sat together, quietly at first. Sometimes Caleb felt so many things that it seemed impossible to put them into words. But he couldn’t leave things like this; she had gotten involved because of him. She’d run into a burning house with him, she’d watched Felix so Caduceus could help him try to save the Baumanns, she’d spent a day and night watching over Nico in the same state she knew Caleb himself had once been in. Eleven years in Vergesson, broken under the weight of what he had done to his mother and father. She knew all that. She knew more than almost anyone what he had gone through; she had listened to his story and written it down so they could stop Trent from hurting anyone else, and give Caleb just a little shred of peace. She cared about Caleb. She cared about people like him. And she had also been abused by a powerful man.

And they’d had the chance to help Nico in a way neither of them had been helped when they most needed it (and what help they had received only came years after the damage was done). Then, all their efforts to help Nico had failed. She’d mobilised the monks and done her best to find him, and had come up empty just like Caleb had.

She was hurting, too.

Caleb took her hand in both of his and, feeling awkward about it, kissed her knuckles. Beauregard looked at him strangely.

“Uh, Caleb? You’re being weird.”

“You’re a good friend, Beauregard.” Caleb patted her hand, setting it down on her leg.

“Oh, we’re gonna have one of those talks.”

Caleb’s track record for emotional conversations with Beauregard was, for the most part, horrifying. They were both awkward people who sometimes understood each other well, and other times couldn’t understand each other at all. He had, on more than one occasion, stormed away from a conversation silently screaming.

“Beauregard…” He sighed. Caleb was running on sheer willpower, emotionally bruised and given to cry at a moment’s notice. But he wanted her to know how much he appreciated her, and how sorry he was for her pain. “Thank you.”

“Caleb, we’ve been over this. You don’t need to say this shit.”

“I do, though.” Caleb hadn’t meant for his voice to sound so small. So fragile. But he… Caleb needed her to hear this.

She looked away. “Sorry. I just… you’re going through a lot of shit, and I don’t want you to feel, like, obligated…” She trailed off, staring at the colourful, jewel-toned rug Jester had brought from Nicodranas.

“This is not easy for you, either,” Caleb said, and Beauregard sagged against the couch, looking at him like he had grown another head.

“Caleb, what the fuck?”

“You are a caring person, Beauregard. And you know better than most what those children have been through. You listened to my story and wrote it down for me. You stood with me while I faced Trent in the courtroom and recounted, again, everything he had done to me.” Caleb didn’t know where he found the strength to speak, to build up the steam he needed to spill out all his feelings, but he did it because Beauregard needed to know. For both their sakes. “You and Veth were the first people I ever told. You are… invested. You care. You are kind and good. I need you to know that I am grateful for everything you have done for me, and for people like me.”

“Caleb, I know you’re grateful,” Beauregard said, with that same tired frustration she often had when he was being emotionally obtuse. “You’re also a fucking wreck and need to stop wasting your time on me.”

“I am not wasting anything,” Caleb said. He had to fight down his frustration. Neither of them were comfortable having this kind of focus on them, and she was trying to be a good friend. “That is not all I wanted to say. I want you to know… I see you.” Caleb wasn’t great at eye contact, but he made a special effort now, locking eyes with Beauregard and hoping she got it. Hoping she understood he knew she was suffering, and that it mattered to him.

“Hard not to, man. I’m pretty hot.”

“I’m glad you know that about yourself.” It would have been easy to let her deflect, but Caleb steeled himself to drag this conversation where he intended it to go. “But that is not what I meant. You know that.”

Beauregard averted her eyes once again.

“Yesterday was hard. Today was hard. For all of us. And you…” Caleb reached for her hand, relieved that she let him hold it. “You have been abused as well. And yet, you ran into a burning house with me. You saw Nico unresponsive in Wulf’s arms, knowing I was once like that, too. You watched over Felix while Caduceus and I tried to save Nico’s parents. Then, you watched over Nico and had to witness what I was going through that day, and that night. You have seen me in a bad place before, and that was the worst I have been in a long time, and I know it was confronting for all of you. And you did everything you could to keep Nico from running, and you were there when it all fell apart. I know you are hurt, Beauregard. And you are allowed to be. Please allow that for yourself.”

She squeezed his hand, and some of her guardedness fell away to reveal the sheer depths of sadness in her eyes. “I love you, man.”

“I love you, too, Beauregard. Thank you, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.”

“I know. You are a good person. I am sorry for your pain, because I am your friend.”

Beauregard clasped his hand in both of hers, staring down at the tangle of fingers. “I’m worried about you, Caleb. And about the kids. But I can do something about you, at least.”

“You have done a lot already, Beauregard. Thank you.” He tugged her by the hand until she shuffled close enough that he could throw his arms around her and drag her into the tightest hug he could manage. She squeezed him back, and his spine cracked a little in a way he didn’t know he had needed on both a physical and emotional level until relief flooded through his system.

****

Caduceus stayed overnight in case he was needed, and Essek dropped him back at the Grove the following morning.

“Call me any time,” Caduceus had said as his parting words. “Whatever you need, even if it’s in the middle of the night, I’ll be ready.”

The Volstrucker and the monks continued searching for Nico, and Caleb was at a loose end. So he launched himself into preparing for the upcoming semester, his first as a teacher. He split his time at home between his study in the dormer, the floor of Beau and Yasha’s living room, and occasionally the Cobalt Soul Archives while Beau was working, depending on how much his need for privacy warred with his need to have his loved ones close at hand.

Essek stayed. Caleb stewed in silent guilt whenever he let himself think about it too much, but he knew better than to ask Essek to leave when the man was clearly worried about him. More often than not, Caleb left the house with his hair braided, whether it was a single braid at the back or, Essek’s favourite, two narrow braids tucked into a half or full ponytail. Sometimes it felt like Caleb’s mental health hinged entirely on the presence of a braid.

Caleb sent daily messages to Felix and Nico. For Felix, it was simple to find a routine. A question about his day, little tidbits about a spell the boy had indicated an interest in, updates on the search for Nico, and whether either of them had received responses from him (the answer, thus far, was no). He didn’t push Felix for an answer about school. Not yet.

For Nico, Caleb weighed his words far more carefully.

On one day: “Hallo, Nico. It’s Caleb. How are you? I am working from home today. You are welcome here any time.”

A few hours after that: “Hallo, Nico. Caleb again. I just wanted to say: I know how you are feeling. I went through this as well. You’re in my thoughts.”

Another day: “Hallo, Nico. Me again. Are you safe? It’s cold out. Remember to drink water. Boil it first if necessary.”

And another: “Hallo, Nico. I am a teacher at the Academy now. I intend to watch these fuckers like a hawk. Keep the kids safe, ja?”

He burned a second spell for that one: “We deserved better. I will make sure the children who come after us get it. And you… come back when you’re ready. Let me help.”

And countless other messages, little updates about his day, about Felix, about work, about just… coming back in one piece.

And he did not receive a single response. Caleb cried more often than not after going through this. He preferred to be alone in his study in those moments, and the others had learned not to disturb him until he was ready to be around people again.

Overall, he felt he had been pretty good about it. He kept busy, spent time with his friends, let Essek hover around him and take care of him. Caleb let Essek help with his lesson plans, bounce around ideas for a presentation he would have to make in the first week of semester as a new teacher at the Academy. He had already told the Nein they were invited, and had spoken to Astrid to make sure the non-citizens would be welcome.

He also remembered to invite Nico, on the off-chance the boy needed a specific call to action to return to Rexxentrum.

“Hallo, Nico. I am presenting a talk next week at the Academy on the first day of semester. 7 o’clock. You would be welcome.”

Caleb met regularly with Bettina and Alphira to work on their lesson plans together. He spent most of that time with Bettina, given he would literally be taking over one of her classes. He was mostly assisting Alphira, though she was interested to get him in to talk to the senior Evocation students at some point about his experiences with the Sending spell. Including the funny ones with Jester. There was also an interesting discussion to be had about why Sending was considered an Evocation spell while Message was considered a Transmutation cantrip. Both professors spoke carefully in a way that suggested they knew what had happened with Felix and Nico, but they never brought it up. He was relieved they let him keep his academic work separate from that heartbreaking shitshow.

Between work, Caleb found time to catch up with Astrid and Wulf. He pretended not to notice their visible relief whenever they saw him, because he was genuinely unsure what they would do if he brought it up.

At a certain point, meeting in Astrid’s office brought up too many memories, so they moved their meetings to the dance hall. Beauregard, Yasha and even a disguised Essek had “accidentally” wandered in on more than one occasion.

“Are you still talking to Felix?” Astrid asked him as the three of them sat around a table in the farthest corner of the room from the dance floor.

“Ja, he doesn’t tell me everything, but he responds at least.”

“Still nothing from Nico?”

Caleb didn’t need to say it out loud; he couldn’t school his expression to hide the pain there. And Astrid and Wulf had once known him very well.

Astrid reached out, touched the back of his hand where it rested on the table beside his mug of ale. “I’m sorry, Bren.”

Wulf had his eye on Yasha, who was calmly drinking at the bar. “Astrid’s people are still looking for him.”

Caleb did his best to shrug off the hurt. “I know.”

Astrid squeezed his hand once and then retreated. “Now, about your lesson plans…”

She had been teaching for a while, so Astrid had plenty of advice to give. However, she was also hesitant to steer Caleb too much.

“You have good instincts,” she told him every time they spoke about it. “Trust them.”

On their way out of the dance hall, where they had sat for a good three hours, Astrid caught Caleb’s arm.

“One more thing. I have secured a venue at the Academy for the support group, mid-week. I have contacted most of the Volstrucker. We are ready to go ahead when you are.”

“Astrid, the point of this is not for one person to steer it.”

Astrid raised an eyebrow at him. “Bren, we need a dedicated person to drive this. And that person is you.”

The thought of that was frightening. Caleb was barely figuring out how to be a person himself, let alone be responsible for the healing of dozens of people who had been under Trent’s thumb for far longer than he had.

“Astrid.”

“I am not expecting you to have all the answers for them,” she said firmly. “But you have had more time to process than the rest of us have.” She gave a small, wry chuckle. “In fact, you may be the most stable of us all.”

“Astrid, that is horrifying.”

“She’s right,” said Wulf. “Besides, you have a way with people. Always have.”

Caleb was not like Fjord or Jester or Caduceus who always seemed to have something to say when someone was hurting, but he could talk when he had to. He feared some of the Volstrucker would not take him seriously because he had broken, or because he had gotten out long before they had. This would take time. Fortunately, Caleb was one of the few Empire wizards with in-depth knowledge of time, learned from a reliable source.

Astrid still held his arm. She slid down to grip his hand instead. “I know this will not be easy for you. You were always sensitive. But that is why you have a chance with these people. They are not…” She sighed. “Trent made sure we don’t know how to exist in a world without his boot on our throats.”

“We don’t know how to process our emotions,” Wulf said, and it was odd to hear him admit it aloud. “Well, most of us. You do all right.”

Caleb laughed at that, because it sounded like a horrible joke. Caleb, who felt so constantly bruised on the inside that even the slightest inconvenience threatened to send him into tears. Who still woke up gasping in the night. Who was so choked by pain sometimes that words left him. Processing his emotions? It was more likely that his emotions processed him. Like a fucking meatgrinder.

Astrid frowned at him. “Let’s take a walk. Just the three of us.” She glanced back at the door, where Yasha was visible. “If your shadow will allow it.”

“My shadow does what she likes,” Caleb muttered, letting Astrid tug him along. Wulf took his other hand, leaving him little choice to let the two of them take him where they willed.

They wound up in a small park they had used to visit regularly, especially when drunk after a night of dancing. It was strange to see it in daylight, and while Caleb was mostly sober. They sat on the grass beside a small ornamental pond, Astrid and Wulf pointedly bookending Caleb, sitting close enough for their shoulders to touch. The wind played with the strands of Caleb’s hair that had fallen out of his braid. He never bothered to fix them because Essek found it endearing.

“I apologise,” said Astrid. “I did not mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset, Astrid.” At her doubtful noise, he added, “Not at you.”

“You should get out of Rexxentrum,” she said abruptly. “Just for a few days. We have things well in hand. Your lesson plans are solid. Bettina and Alphira are pleased. You do not need to be here until next week.”

“And if Nico comes back?”

“You will be contacted. I promise.” Astrid looked to Wulf, who shrugged at her, which caused her to roll her eyes. “Jester keeps pestering me to make you visit Nicodranas.”

Caleb had been messaging with Jester regularly, and she had hinted that he should visit, but she was usually a lot more explicit when she wanted to see him. And he knew she was talking to Yasha, Beau and Essek, but none of them had said much about it.

It was odd. “Is there a reason she is pestering you and not the people I literally live with?”

Astrid shrugged. “I may have let a few things slip.”

“Astrid, you do not ‘let things slip.’”

She looked utterly unashamed. “Well, apparently you had not told some of your dearest friends you are going through a rough patch, so I did it for you.”

“In how much detail, exactly?” Caleb did not like to be angry with his friends, especially Astrid, but he needed to work out how much of a problem he needed to have with her.

“Very little, just enough that she knows you are not at your best. I would not rob you of that agency.”

That last part hit Caleb harder than he could have expected. “I… thank you.”

Caleb had to admit he missed his friends terribly. Especially Veth, who of all the Nein had seen him at his worst, helped him put the pieces of his brain together on the days he collapsed, who had cuddled up to him on bad days, who had been the first friend he’d had in many years. And Jester, who knew how to ruin a dark mood. Fjord, with his quiet understanding. Kingsley with his… Kingsleyness that was a little painfully close to Molly sometimes but more than welcome.

He always knew they would be worried sick if he told them even a fraction of what had happened in the last few days. Seeing the pain he brought to Caduceus, Yasha, Beau and Essek was hard enough. But they loved him. Those who did not know what had happened would want to know, so they could help.

And he was touched that Astrid and Wulf had taken the time to sit him down and discuss this with him. He didn’t know what they were now. Maybe he never would. Maybe they were friends again. They had all changed so much, Caleb especially, that it was hard to say if they could even be friends. But Caleb wanted it. He wanted it a lot.

“I suppose I can spare a day or two,” he finally said. It would be good for Essek to get out of Rexxentrum, too. Maybe he could drag Beau and Yasha out for a bit, even if Beau had obligations at the Archive.

Wulf and Astrid looked at each other in a knowing way he had not seen from them in seventeen years. The familiarity was strange, and a little uncomfortable, but also comforting at the same time. He had spent so much time emphasising how much he still cared for them, doing his best to drag them away from Trent, and then gently guiding them through sharing their trauma to put Trent away for good. But he had never forgotten that for such a long time, they were the ones looking out for him and protecting him. He had done the same for them, of course, but there had often been an unspoken understanding that Caleb was just a little bit squishy, needed just a little extra care.

Caleb was also keenly aware that sometimes it was easier to care for someone else than to care for yourself.

Wulf’s large hand found Caleb’s knee. “Good. Say hi to Fjord for me.”

“Tell him yourself,” Caleb muttered, because he knew Wulf would find it more funny than offensive.

Wulf chuckled and squeezed his knee. “Oh, and warn your boyfriend: if he hurts you, I will cut off his balls.”

“You will have to beat me there,” said Astrid.

Okay, this conversation had taken so many twists and turns that Caleb had half a mind to visit the Grove and ask Caduceus to check him for whiplash. Unsurprising, really. Things were complicated between the three of them and likely would be for a very long time.

He wasn’t sure what to say about the fact his exes were on the cusp of threatening his current partner, and not in the way one might expect. Caleb found himself fiddling with the end of his braid while he tried to process what the fuck was happening to him.

Finally, he said, “There are a great many people who would fuck him up if he ever put a foot wrong with me, and he himself is first in line. You need not worry about that. Thank you for your… concern?”

Astrid and Wulf shared another look, much more pained than the last. Then they both looked away, Astrid into the grass and Wulf at the pond.

“He treats you well?” she said quietly.

“Ja, very well. He came back to take care of me.” Caleb had no words for the depths of his gratitude towards Essek. He was always gentle with Caleb, sensitive to his needs. And these last few days, he had been nothing but a source of endless love and support, a soft place to land when Caleb felt like he was in freefall. He always offered this, but every protective and caring instinct in Essek had been cranked upward, like casting an old, reliable third-level spell at eighth level instead. Or ninth, though Caleb and Essek were not quite to that level of magical skill yet.

“Good,” Wulf muttered. “You play with your braid when you talk about him.”

Caleb chuckled, not even embarrassed he had been caught with such an obvious tell. “Ja, he likes to braid my hair for me.”

“Hard to hate a man who braids his partner’s hair.” Wulf’s voice was almost wistful; Caleb’s hair had never been long enough to braid when the three of them were together, but they had occasionally been able to get a small one into Astrid’s hair.

“Good. Don’t.”

Astrid’s hand found Caleb’s other knee. “You’ve been through a lot, even in the past few days alone. And… we know you are capable. You have the willpower and the support you need to get through all of this, and to guide the Volstrucker who agree to attend the support group. But we do worry for you. And we are… glad… you have people in your life who take care of you.” Once again, she could not look at him. “Wulf and I… we are sorry we failed you.”

That was a new one. “Astrid, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Greater Restoration,” Wulf said quietly.

“If we had found the nerve to talk to a cleric ourselves,” added Astrid, “we could have gotten you out of there years ago.”

Right. Vergesson. “Trent wouldn’t have allowed it. You know that.”

“We could have tried.”

They had been teenagers. Frightened, grieving teenagers at the mercy of a powerful man. Of all the things Caleb could have held against Astrid and Eadwulf, this would never be one of them.

“You could have gotten us all killed,” Caleb said, forcing steel into his tone in the hope it would break whatever spiral Astrid and Wulf had worked themselves into. “You didn’t know that Greater Restoration would have done shit for me. Why would you? That is not the skillset Trent cultivated in us. He taught us how to hurt people, because we were to be his weapons. He had us murder our own fucking parents because all he wanted us to know was violence and pain and fear and utter reliance on him alone. You do not need to apologise for not taking on a fool’s errand.”

They refused to look at him once again. Jaws clenched. Eyes wild and staring holes into the ground.

“We were children,” Caleb reminded them, squeezing their hands where they remained on his knees. “We were children. Of all the things we have done or not done, that is the last thing I will ever let you apologise for. Do not hurt yourselves, hurt me, like this. Please.”

Astrid’s free hand pressed over her mouth, catching a sob. Wulf’s thumb drew a slow circle on Caleb’s knee.

“You’re right,” Wulf said quietly. “It would have been foolish. But we…”

“We were cowards,” Astrid snapped. “We left you there for eleven years. Trent made sure you were cared for, but… it was Vergesson. And you were defenceless.”

“I am well aware,” Caleb said before she could pull up memories that were far too painful for any of them. “I have told you before that I remember little of my time there. I would prefer it remain that way, I think.” Caleb wasn’t sure he could survive remembering that place beyond the flashes of awful that would sometimes come to him.

“I’m sorry, Bren. I’m sorry.”

“Shhhh. Enough of that.”

Astrid cleared her throat, straightened up. Evidently she had remembered they were technically in a public place.

“Do us a favour,” said Wulf. “Go to Nicodranas. Get some rest.”

“I will, if the two of you will also do me a favour.”

Astrid, newly composed, raised an eyebrow at him. “What is this favour?”

“Try to hate yourselves a little less. Hypocritical coming from me, but I think we could all stand to be kinder to ourselves.” Caleb had said almost those exact words to Essek in the Blooming Grove all those months ago, and he was struck by how much he had a type.

“All right,” she said, smiling with so much affection that Caleb was taken back to their first kiss in a freezing cold tower. “You first.”

They parted ways not long afterwards, and Yasha melted out of the shadows to walk Caleb home.

“That looked very intense,” she said, leading him by the hand like he was a small child bound to get lost in a big city. “Are you okay?”

“I think so. Think you can convince Beauregard to visit Nicodranas for a bit?”

Yasha chuckled. “I think I can manage.”

****

Making arrangements for Nicodranas kept Caleb from stewing too much in his talk with Astrid and Wulf. That was welcome. He appreciated the care they still had for him, but there were some things that were still too painful and probably always would be. He had already messaged Jester to confirm the Nein Heroez would be in dock at the time.

“Of course, Caleb! Did Astrid talk to you? She’s super nice, and she really cares about you a lot. I’m sorry I was mean to--” The message cut off at twenty-five words; Jester’s word economy, or lack thereof, would always be a source of joy even on a bad day.

Essek, mercifully, had messaged Veth for him; she would hear the exhaustion in Caleb’s voice and worry herself into a panic.

Despite the flurry of activity, Caleb still found himself occasionally caught, freezing in the act of folding a shirt or cataloguing his spell components. And he’d remember how much the two visits to Vergesson he had made since his escape had rattled him. The few memories he had were bad enough, and he knew so much of the pain the place brought him was buried in his subconscious. Or in moments that his body seemed to remember but his mind didn’t.

The bloodbath he’d caused while on the amulet heist. So on edge that he had forgotten a crucial detail about the Wall of Force spell until he had expended all his spells that he could have used to disintegrate it. Caleb did not forget things like that. Until he did, apparently. And then there had been his complete inability to do anything but fight when Trent had appeared suddenly, temporarily thwarting their escape. He’d fallen back on his training. Always his training. And the violence it entailed.

While part of him was a tiniest bit curious what had happened during those eleven years, if nothing else to further catalogue Trent’s sins on the public record and dig up his accomplices, most of him hoped he never found out.

As he stood a little too long in these thoughts, a pair of dusky purple hands lifted Caleb’s component pouch from his shaking grip, setting it aside. Essek sat Caleb on the end of the bed and wordlessly climbed behind him, knees gently pressing Caleb’s hips as he pulled the braid loose and began it anew. The gentle tugging motions slowly pulled Caleb back into his body, and the present.

Essek finished off the braid and kissed Caleb’s neck. “Do you want to talk about it?”

More like Caleb needed to talk about it before he imploded. “Astrid and Wulf apologised for not getting me out of Vergesson themselves. And… I think they know some parts of what happened to me there. Things I don’t remember. Things I don’t want to remember. Things I might know subconsciously that I don’t think I can handle knowing consciously. I’m just… out of sorts, I suppose.”

Essek slid his arms around Caleb’s chest, pressing himself up against his back, squishing their cheeks together. “I would like to turn them into spaghetti for making you think about this when you have enough to worry about, but you would be upset with me.”

“I’m not angry with them.”

“I know.” Essek kissed his cheek, nuzzling Caleb’s stubble.

“Vergesson is… I do not like the person I became when I was last there. I don’t think I could survive remembering what happened to me.”

“Then don’t try to remember.” Essek flattened his palm over Caleb’s heart and gently pressed down, forcing Caleb to focus more on his breathing. Remembering that his heart still beat. He was here.

More immediate, practical thoughts began to filter back into Caleb’s mind. He remembered he was going to Send to Caduceus and invite him to Nicodranas. Caduceus would hear the rough edges in Caleb’s voice, but he could handle it far better than most of the Nein.

“Hallo, Caduceus. It’s Caleb. We are visiting Nicodranas for a few days tomorrow. Would you like to come? We can pick you up in the morning.”

There was a slight pause, and then Caduceus’s warm, soothing tone filled Caleb’s mind. “Hey, Caleb. That sounds great. I’ll be ready, with fresh tea for everyone. And sunhats. You and Essek will burn in the sun.”

“Caduceus is in,” Caleb said, stifling a yawn. Essek laughed softly, his breath tickling Caleb’s neck. “Now for Yussa.” He cast again, directing a message to Wensforth. “Hallo, it’s Caleb of the Mighty Nein. We are visiting Nicodranas tomorrow. May we use the circle? It would be good to see you both.”

Wensforth replied quickly. “Yes, of course! The master is eager to speak with you at any time. Please… message before you arrive?”

Caleb let himself laugh a little. The Nein were notoriously awful at warning people of their arrival. And Caleb was touched that Yussa, ever a busy man, thought so highly of them now that he would happily drop everything to talk to them. They had spoken a few times since Cognouza, and if Yussa had been a less restrained man, Caleb had the strong impression he would’ve hugged each and every one of the Nein in gratitude for saving him.

And, to think, Caleb had once been so frightened of him that he could barely speak.

He felt better, so he got up and finished sorting his spell components, making a note that he would need to restock his teleportation circle chalk after a few more uses.

Caleb helped Yasha cook Eintopf that evening, a one-pot stew. Caleb had grown up eating dozens of versions of the stew, but he had his favourites. Carrots, leeks and celeriac were key to the base of the soup, as they were preparing their own broth. Along with a bunch of parsley. Yasha had found some excellent pork sausages at the market today, so those went in along with green beans (Caleb’s sentimental favourite), potatoes, and a ton of onion. Lots of garlic. Yasha had also found marjoram at the market today.

This was a recipe Caleb had helped his mother cook even as a boy, so he also insisted they add apple like she always had. For a little bit of sweetness and acidity. And surprise.

Caleb cleaned and steamed the beans while Yasha browned the meat and onions and potatoes and garlic. From there, they tag-teamed to get everything bubbling away until it was all finally ready to put into a pot and simmer away to completion.

It was a good use of the evening, and it kept Caleb busy and enveloped in happy sensory memories of his mother’s kitchen. While the stew bubbled away, he munched on a few green beans he’d set aside for the fun of it after they had steamed.

Essek hovered in the corner, reading a book about sea creatures Jester had brought him last time she was in town. Caleb pulled out his lesson plans and speech preparation, spreading it out across the dinner table, and made edits into the evening.

Beauregard arrived home from work--Yasha had visited her already to persuade her to come with them to Nicodranas. And then they ate dinner together at the table, and the taste of home did not send Caleb into a grief spiral tonight. This time, it just soothed him.

Before bed, Caleb sent one last message: “Hallo, Nico. It’s Caleb. I will be in Nicodranas for a few days. If you need shelter and the house is empty, take the key--” He cast again. “From inside the flowerpot on the right side of the house. I have an illusion set to guide you. Password: Wilkommen. Gute nacht.”

No response, but Caleb hadn’t expected one. He let Essek tuck him into bed. They curled up together, Essek slowly but firmly stroking his back with grounding pressure, until Caleb fell asleep.

#caleb widogast #professor widogast #shadowgast #essek thelyss #astrid beck #eadwulf grieve #blumendrei #blumentrio #critical role #cr2 #beauregard lionett #yasha nydoorin #my fics #fanfiction #the pomegranate's professor widogast fic

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fae-fucker · 3 years

Text

Zenith: Chapter 72-75

Chapter 72

We’re in Nor’s POV. She’s moping around in her ruined palace. We find out she ordered the attack on Adhira on a whim after learning Valen was there. Cool.

This entire chapter is about how Nor is doubting herself and how she feels shitty even though this should be a triumph, and Zahn, her boytoy who’s literally described as being “too good” and “too pure” for her, telling that she’s a girlboss. Then they make out and “lust tumbles through her” and the chapter ends on them fucking.

Chapter 73

Last we left her, Andi had angsted herself out of the room after an argument with her dad. She walks the gardens for a bit, thinking about the creation myth of this world. It involves Light Bringers and Night Spirits, and two of them fall in love and from their union a black hole is born, but around it a galaxy forms, and it also creates the Godstars, which are described as “all-knowing beings with the power to give and take, the perfect mixture of darkness and light.”

So with all this wank about light and dark, you bet your ass Andi’s gonna start rambling about how dark and/or light her soul is, which she promptly does.

The creation myth is ... fine? In theory? But something light and something dark falling in love and creating the world is a bit trite, innit? Baby’s first creation myth.

Arcardius was the first planet inhabited by the Ancients hundreds of thousands of years ago, and many believed that the Godstars must have given the settlers this gift to welcome them to their new home. But whatever the reason, Andi was grateful for it. She didn’t want to be in the presence of darkness after everything that had happened. She needed to clear her mind of all that had been clogging it since the beginning of the rescue job.

I think “clogging” is a more apt description than Shinsay realized.

Andi angsts herself to a new place with a floating rock waterfall fountain thing, where Valen is, equipped with his painting gear. We get a description of how hot he is despite having been beaten and starved for two years, because of course.

His brown hair was cropped short and, skinny as he was, it made his strong jaw more pronounced. Everything about his once-soft face was now hard edges. No doubt, with some more meat on his bones, he would be striking.

The boy she remembered from years ago had now become a man.

Damaged as he must be on the inside, at least his physical wounds would heal. The awful things he had experienced at the hands of Xen Ptera would hopefully become a distant memory, as well, and more bearable with time.

The way the “hope he’ll heal emotionally as well, I guess” is tacked on right after “at least he’ll be hot” is wildly hilarious.

Valen asks if he can paint Andi. For some reason he immediately starts putting paint on canvas, because fuck sketching, he’s too fucking good for that. Also what’s the lighting situation like? He’s waxing poetic about the way the light hits Andi’s cheek plates and purple streaks (with red tips that reaches her mid-back), but seemingly doesn’t need any light on his canvas to see what the fuck he’s doing, in the middle of the night? Ok.

Later Valen, with a paint-stained face because Artiste, asks Andi if they can go somewhere else because he needs a break. They go somewhere with a view of the Magical Purple Pinterest Garden, and it’s very breathtaking and shit.

“We’ve been through darkness, Andi,” Valen said. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t still live in the light.”

He closed his eyes, and Andi was left to ponder how much his words echoed her own thoughts from earlier, about the balance between the light and the dark.

Thank you for pointing out the thematic connection from THREE PAGES AGO IN THE SAME CHAPTER, Shinsay. I couldn’t have figured it out myself if you hadn’t held my hand like the imbecile I am. Seriously, I can’t figure out whether this is supposed to be helpful, or if Shinsay really thought they were geniuses and just had to point it out so we wouldn’t miss how cool and deep their writing is.

Anyway, Valen asks Andi to the obligatory ball portion of the story, saying he’ll have to dance as the future ruler of the planet (???) and he wants to dance with a friend rather than a romantic interest.

A friend.

He said the word as if he really meant it. As if, somehow, despite what they’d been through, the horrors they’d shared, Valen had begun to think of Andi as a friend.

Wow ... When he said friend, he meant friend, as in friend? Amazing. What a shocker.

Also, yeah, they did go through some horrors together. Like that time Dex tossed him down a flight of stairs while Andi was somewhere else. Or that time Valen was tortured for two years and Andi wasn’t.

Truly, a friendship of the ages.

I guess this is supposed to be a misdirect, but given how blatantly unrealistic this is and how easily Andi falls for it, it just makes her look a bit like an idiot, doesn’t it?

Chapter 74

This chapter is just Andi heading back to bed but taking a detour to the library, discovering that Alfie has been destroyed while some servants throw his body in the garbage on the way.

Oh no! Not Alfie, who’s only the most annoying character! Anyone but Alfie!

We get this:

As she turned to leave, a small, shiny object on the floor caught her eye. Quickly, Andi reached down and palmed it while the maid wasn’t looking. She didn’t know much about AIs, but the object in her grasp looked like a memory chip.

[...]

It could be nothing, a useless memento, but her gut told her something different. She’d look into it later.

I-is this supposed to be foreshadowing? You literally already told us what it was, why would Andi’s “gut” be telling her something she already suspects according to her narration?

Henlo? Editors? Anyone? Hello?

Hewwo? Mistew Pwesident?

Chapter 75

Dex has been following Andi around like a whole creep and watches her enter the library. He follows her inside and then we get the obligatory “shitty writer praises the magic of literature” bit.

“The general scoured the galaxy for this collection,” Andi said suddenly.

Dex turned. She stood near him in the dark room, softly lit by a beam of moonlight. The sadness in her eyes could almost be felt, like a tangible thing.

“You said Kalee was a reader,” Dex said. He laughed softly. “I didn’t know she was this much of a reader.”

“She loved exploring,” Andi said. “The general loved keeping her close. And so she turned to books for her adventures.”

“The sadness in her eyes was almost tangible.” There, I fixed it. Now shut the fuck up.

“What is it about memories,” Andi said suddenly, walking back toward him, “that gives them the ability to hurt us so badly?”

Dex shook his head. “The past is powerful. I think you and I both know that.”

She finally looked into his eyes. “I’m tired of letting the past control me, Dextro,” she whispered. “Aren’t you?”

I’m tired of letting this book control me, that’s for sure. What is this fucking dialogue? They keep talking in clichés without really saying anything, wasting our goddamn time instead of having an actual conversation.

Anyway, they finally get everything over with, apologize to each other, then make out but decide that uwu they can’t be together because they’re so hurt and damaged and whatnot. And honestly this wouldn’t be so cringeworthy if we didn’t know it’s all just a fucking ploy to drag out the will-they-won’t they subplot that I’m sure you’re all on the edge of your seats over.

The main reason this doesn’t work is that we don’t really get any sense of why this can’t work out? They just mutually agree, after having a hot makeout sesh, that they’re not meant to be for ... reasons? Even though they’re clearly attracted to each other, have no other attachments, romantic or otherwise, and have forgiven one another. Dex thinks they both “ruined” their future together in their own ways, but we don’t get any explanation for why they can’t just ... try to build a new one. Not even a “the memories hurt too much” or “I can’t afford the mental and emotional effort right now” or “there’s no time for it with the galaxy in chaos” or even a simple “I don’t want to.”

Instead it’s “I know we’re not meant to be because we both screwed the pooch last time we tried” and you’re just there like yes and? What’s stopping you from trying again? Give me a reason. IRL that would’ve been fine, but here it just feels like the authors are trying to convince US that they won’t get together, trust me, I promise, don’t even think about it and let it blow you away when they do.

I think, weirdly enough, the reason this doesn’t work for me is the perspective. Andi has actual valid reasons for rejecting Dex and seems like she’s still conflicted about her feelings for him, which would give her plenty of justification to not jump back into the relationship. But instead, we’re stuck with Dex, who’s been desperate to talk to Andi, be around Andi, who thinks about Andi constantly, but now, when a new beginning is within his reach, he decides without reason to not go for it because what, he feels like it’s not right and assumes it’s mutual? It doesn’t track with his previous behavior, which has been constantly focused on Andi up until this point. His sudden and inexplicable decision to not pursue this anymore goes against his behavior and motivations so far, which is why it strikes me as hollow and manipulative writing.

Had he maybe wanted to offer a new start but then Andi said something or he saw how unsure and hurt she still was and decided against it, then it would’ve made sense. Had we been in Andi’s POV and she just straight up rejected him, it would’ve made sense. But here, we get:

“We can’t... This won’t ever...”

“I know,” he said.

And in his heart, he knew that it was true. Their two worlds were never meant to become one. That even through the forgiveness, even with the unavoidable feelings that echoed between them, they could never share a future. They had already had their chance, long ago. They’d both ruined it in their own ways.

Andi doesn’t even give him a proper reason, he just assumes what she’s saying because apparently he’s been thinking the same thing? His “heart” just tells him it won’t work, when all this time, he’s seemingly done everything in his power to fix what he always knew wasn’t fixable? Huh???

I’m not saying this to say that Dex should’ve pestered Andi, he can very well accept her rejection but still pine for her silently. What I am saying is that this doesn’t track with his previous behavior, and just shows the authors’ hands in this as being a cop-out for the sake of melodrama and to keep the romance subplot going through cheap conflict.

Anyway, Dex asks Andi to the ball and she’s like “lmao too late” and then the chapter ends on this note:

When they parted ways, Dex couldn’t help but feel as if he were seeing Androma Racella for the very last time.

God, I wish that were me.

#eff reads: zenith

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oumakokichi · 4 years

Note

What's your opinion on Kaito and Maki! I don't know if anyone's ever asked this before (sorry if yes) Ur blog is epic btw!

This question is pretty recent, so I feel like this is a great one to kick off with getting back into writing full meta! I know in the past I’ve answered a few brief questions on how I feel about Momota and Maki respectively, as well as their relationship in-game, but I don’t know if I’ve ever written at length about the two of them.

I also don’t know whether you want my opinions on them both as individual characters or their relationship together, so I’ll probably touch on both aspects! This ask will obviously include spoilers for the whole game, so I’ll talk more under the cut!

Momota and Maki are definitely two of the most important characters in the game. Both their dynamic with each other, as well as their eventual friendship with Saihara, are pivotal plot points that come up again and again. Momota’s good intentions and attempts to help Maki come out of her shell and self-imposed isolation from everyone else are initially met by her with skepticism, distrust, and a feeling that he’s being incredibly overbearing and putting his nose where it doesn’t belong—but in the end, she does find herself pulled in by his unrelenting optimism and offers of friendship.

As Momota helps Saihara begin to overcome his anxiety and self-doubt by pushing him forward and reaffirming that he believes in him, Maki also begins to face some of her own demons. Like Saihara, her issues are rooted in deep-seated trauma from a young age, though hers is considerably more severe as it concerns both physical and mental child abuse, as well as a life filled with violence and murder.

It’s interesting, because both Saihara and Maki struggle with what I would call self-loathing, but go about showing it in completely different ways. They both doubt their own ability to do anything right and feel that they’ll only hurt people in the end, but where Saihara overcompensates for this by trying to please everyone and being afraid of saying no, Maki’s approach is much firmer: she tries to shut everyone out completely, keeping everyone at arm’s bay in order to prevent any attachments from forming in the first place. As someone who lost pretty much everything at such a young age, she’s clearly afraid of the same thing happening all over again, as well as wary of anyone who might try to get close to her, only to attempt to “take her out” in the same fashion that she’s had to kill people her entire life.

Momota’s persistence in striking up a friendship with her is therefore really, really interesting. It’s the first time in Maki’s life that anyone has ever been so adamant about wanting to get to know her. Considering how harsh and unfriendly she initially is, as well as the fact that her talent is revealed to everyone by the end of chapter 2, it would make complete sense if Momota wanted nothing to do with her, in her opinion. She’s used to being alone, and she’s already convinced herself by that point that it’s preferable to the alternative.

But Momota is a character who fundamentally refuses to take no for an answer. This is simultaneously both his best and worst trait, in my opinion: it’s literally right in his catch phrase, whenever he claims that he’s going to reach the stars someday. He runs purely on the idea of faith and belief. There’s no middle ground with him: either you trust someone implicitly, regardless of everything stacked against them, or you don’t. Shades of grey, especially at the beginning of the game, are virtually nil. It’s a very “shounen protagonist” sentiment that winds up being somewhat challenged for him as the game goes on.

He’s interested in Maki, and wants to know why she closes herself off in her research lab. When the finger is pointed at her in chapter 2 and she falls under suspicion of murdering Hoshi, he defends her even at the expense of making himself look worse, and even to the point of claiming that he would “bet everyone else’s lives” that she’s innocent (a line which was completely omitted in the localization and dub, but which you can still hear him say in the jp dialogue of the chapter 2 trial).

There’s absolutely no evidence to back Maki up or support her; Momota’s defense on her behalf stems more from the fact that he hates Ouma’s equally black-or-white “guilty until proven innocent” approach, and resents the attempts at mutual suspicion and paranoia that Ouma tries to force between them. Momota is, in a word, stubborn. He figures things out by “feel” or “intuition” and is extremely slow to change his opinions even when facts and evidence are presented before him.

Again, this can be a good trait: his loyalty means he’s the last person who would ever throw someone else under the bus, and it’s the main reason he succeeds in getting closer to someone as emotionally closed-off as Maki at all. It’s less of a good thing, however, in later chapters like chapter 4, where his stubborn refusal to look at the facts genuinely endangers everyone’s lives in the trial and results in a huge blow-out that threatens his friend group with Saihara especially, but really with the whole training trio.

It’s this stubbornness of his that really baffles Maki. Initially, she doesn’t know what to make of Momota’s attempts to befriend her. She assumes he must be reckless, or stupid, or both, to want to get close to someone as dangerous as she is. But as she gradually begins to let her walls down and starts opening up despite herself, it’s such a nice change to see her eventually starting to believe in herself and view herself more positively as a result of Momota’s own belief in her.

I think momoharu as a ship works really well and has potential specifically because of these themes of “self-love” and “believing in yourself” that come up in the main game’s narrative again and again. And unlike the dynamics between Momota and other characters, such as Saihara, I feel like Momota and Maki are on much more of an even footing, where the two of them can view each other as equals and aren’t afraid to challenge each other whenever one of them is in the wrong about something.

For example, Saihara and Momota have much more of an imbalanced, sometimes one-sided friendship. That’s not to say that they aren’t both extremely important friends to one another—but between Saihara’s inability to say no to people and Momota’s tendency to take charge and view himself as “the hero” while everyone else is his “sidekick,” their relationship becomes incredibly uneven very quickly.

Add to this Momota’s unspoken jealousy of Saihara’s talent and his pivotal importance to the rest of the group in trials, and it gets even messier. I’m reminded of the chapter 4 trial, when Saihara really goes against Momota’s opinion on something for the first time by proving that Gonta is the culprit, and Momota is livid. Even when all the proof is laid out before him, and even when he knows, logically, he feels so betrayed by Saihara’s lack of “belief” in him that his underlying jealousy bubbles up and he lashes out. The localization considerably dulled the impact of this, but in the original Japanese dialogue, Momota even stops referring to Saihara by his first name for a long time, referring to him much more coldly by his surname from the end of chapter 4 until the latter half of chapter 5.

Momota and Saihara never feel as though they’ve really escaped that “hero and sidekick” dynamic until the very end of chapter 5 when they say their farewells, and even then there’s a real hesitance with Saihara to call Momota out when he’s wrong or ask for an apology even when Momota owes him one. If the game had explored more of Momota’s jealousy and feelings of inadequacy compared to Saihara, I would have really loved that, and I feel like there would be real potential to explore how they could eventually be on even footing… but as it stands, in canon we don’t really get that, and most of Momota’s shortcomings and flaws are somewhat brushed aside after his death in favor of Saihara remembering him more fondly.

This isn’t to say that Momota doesn’t have any flaws when it comes to how he interacts with Maki, of course. His character has a lot of “toxic masculinity” baggage, including unironically believing really outdated things like “women shouldn’t be fighting, they should be raising children,” or thinking that women are inherently weaker physically and more fragile emotionally than men. Luckily though, Maki often consistently proves him wrong on all of these points: her ability to wipe the floor with him during their training sessions is of course part of it, but it’s worth noting that she’s also considerably more level-headed than Momota is in many ways.

Where Momota is superstitious and afraid of the occult to a comedic degree, Maki remains the rational, down-to-earth one who doesn’t believe in such things. Where Momota is prone to letting his pride and temper get the better of him and refuses to speak to Saihara or apologize for the things he said during their fight in chapter 4, Maki is the one who attempts to push them into interacting with each other again, and believes that Momota is being much too childish about the whole ordeal. Again and again, Maki proves Momota’s outdated and harmful stereotypes about women wrong, and isn’t afraid to poke fun at him or get exasperated with his bullshit whenever he’s being kind of a dick.

Her relationship with Momota works specifically because of how much it feels like the two of them are on a more even footing. Where Saihara somewhat meekly accepts the “sidekick” role, even when he thinks it’s unfair, Maki doesn’t really accept it or go along with it in the first place, beyond showing up for training sessions. And when she gradually begins to develop romantic feelings for him, it feels authentic—particularly because it ties back into the idea of Maki learning to believe in herself the same way that Momota has believed in her from the start.

Deep down, Maki is someone who fundamentally believes herself not only undeserving of, but borderline incapable of love. She feels as though any human emotions she might have once had were stomped out of her from a young age and that absolutely nothing remains, to the point where she says “even Kiibo is more human than she is.” This self-loathing and dehumanization are the main reasons she keeps people at arm’s length: she simply thinks she doesn’t deserve any kindness, and that even if it’s given to her, she doesn’t know how to reciprocate in turn.

Her entire character arc is about unlearning this, and gradually coming to accept that she does have the capacity to love, including love for herself and for others. I’ve seen some people who believe Tsumugi when she claims in the chapter 6 trial that she “gave Maki those feelings for Momota” for the sake of the show, but I feel that believing that at face value really doesn’t do justice to Maki’s autonomy as a character.

Even if Tsumugi somehow did insert those feelings there (which I highly doubt, especially considering how she blatantly lies about giving Momota his illness too despite pretty obviously not knowing he was sick prior to chapter 5), the whole point of Maki’s confession to Momota in chapter 5 and reaffirmation of those feelings in chapter 6 is that she eventually comes to believe that they’re her feelings, and no one else’s. As someone who was denied any free will or choice for her entire life, her coming to view Momota as someone precious to her, as well as herself as an individual capable of making decisions and loving other people, is an incredibly powerful arc of character growth. I honestly really love to see it.

And it’s clear that Maki coming to love and value herself as an individual is exactly what Momota wanted to see from her. We don’t really know if he reciprocated her romantic feelings or not since he dies without really giving her an answer. I personally think he spared her an answer because even if he had said he reciprocated, it only would’ve hurt her worse to see him die immediately afterward.

But what he does make really clear is that he fully believes that because she could come to love him, she could also eventually come to love herself. Whether it’s romantic or not, he clearly cherishes her a lot as a person and wants her to be happy. He wants her to live on as herself, and not any of the roles she’s had to take thus far in order to survive. She eventually does do this, and I think he would’ve been absolutely thrilled to see it happen.

All in all, I feel like momoharu has a lot of potential for character growth (both for Maki and Momota), as well as for cute moments, comic relief, and all around as a feel-good ship. Momota definitely has some issues to work out with misogyny and toxic masculinity, and while it’s certainly not Maki’s job to hold his hand and walk him through those things, she’s the type of person who doesn’t mind putting her foot down and telling him no when she feels like he’s crossed a line, which is exactly the type of dynamic I like to see in relationships.

Anyway, I’ll wind this up here. This was a really fun question to go into, thank you again anon! I had a lot of fun getting back into the swing of writing meta, and I’m glad I got a chance to write a little more about my thoughts on momoharu, and Momota and Maki as characters.

#ndrv3 #maki harukawa #kaito momota #momoharu #danganronpa #ask #anonymous #my meta #ndrv3 spoilers //#okay to reblog #tumblr almost ate this ask as soon as i tried to draft it #luckily i had my response still written up in word so i could repaste it but phew #tumblr being as functional as ever i see

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smartcooklez · 4 years

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The R*an H*ywood Situation

Tw: manipulation, s*xual abuse

I’ve been taking my sweet time soaking in all the information, and basically mourning over this whole thing. I haven’t been in the AH community for long, at least not as long as many others. When I discovered this community I was so excited about the new things to come from it. Ryan quickly became my favorite Hunter, and in recent months I’ve been falling out of the fandom, and I’ve barely watched any videos that didn’t have him in them. I’ve spent almost my entire life watching YouTube and fandom hopping, but I’ve never been in one community as long as I’ve been with Achievement Hunter’s. These people basically helped raise me for years, I trusted Ryan, and at first I wanted so bad to believe that the allegations were just that, allegations. However I knew that deep down, they were true, and once the evidence came out I was horrified and shocked beyond all recognition. To think that someone so many people looked up to for years would do this. I spent days feeling physically ill every time I thought about this situation, every time I saw his face made me want to cry or throw up. But I couldn’t imagine how the rest of AH was feeling, especially not his wife andtwo children, who I sincerely hope are far away from that man by now; they knew him personally and have known him for years. They must feel extremely hurt and betrayed by this. To the people that doxxed him, fuck off, you aren’t doing anyone any favors, and as far as we know that could’ve endangered his wife and kids. To those sending hate to the girls who spoke up about Ryan’s manipulation and abuse, stop; it’s not their fault that Ryan preyed on easily manipulated and emotionally unstable UNDERAGE girls. The fact that one of them lied about her age doesn’t change the fact that he did this to multiple girls that told him they were under 18, so it really didn’t matter to him whether or not she was underage. These women are so brave for coming out and sharing their experiences of abuse to try and protect others from being in the same situation. We, as fans shouldn’t be blaming ourselves for flaring his ego, we didn’t make him go out and have sexual relations with minors. He did this to himself. We are not going to be blamed for this. For now, I hope that everyone is mentally in a good place, and my only concern going forward is how Achievement Hunter responds to the situation outside of personal Twitters. I just wanted to take some time to share my thoughts on the situation, and let the rest of the community know that I’m here to talk if anyone needs it, we’re all in this together and we’ll come out of this stronger. I love you guys, stay strong. 💚

#achievement hunter #geoff ramsey #michael jones #gavin free #lindsay jones #fiona nova #trevor collins #ah #fake ah crew #larry matovina #rooster teeth #jack patillo #matt bragg #funhaus #ryan haywood

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buggachat · 4 years

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A Love Letter to LadyNoir

I said I was going to write an essay about how great LadyNoir is, and I wasn’t lying.

DISCLAIMER I: All sides of the love square are wonderful! I love them all a lot, and this is in no way hate for any side. It’s kind of hard to say “this side is my favorite” without comparing it to the other sides at least a little, but the other sides are still amazing and I love them to bits too!!

DISCLAIMER II: Yes, Chat Noir is an ass to Ladybug when it comes to being rejected. This is absolutely true and I’m not going to defend that. Ladybug has every right to not want to be with Chat Noir, and him repeatedly asking her out and then openly moping about it when she says no, despite KNOWING she’ll say no, is very Bad. I’m not here to defend that. However, Ladybug and Chat Noir are 14, and Chat Noir is not only navigating love for the first time, but relationships in general as well. I’m not excusing it, and this is Definitely and Objectively a flaw of his, but it’s something he can (and I expect WILL) overcome and grow out of as he matures and realizes the error in his ways.

And after he grows out of it? Once Chat Noir matures and learns to be more respectful to Ladybug’s feelings? You know what’s left? The best ship ever, that’s what.

Here’s a list in no particular order about all the amazing things the LadyNoir side of the love square has to offer, and why it’s my favorite:

• Their aesthetic is literally picnics on top of the Eiffel Tower under the setting sun and racing each other across Paris’ rooftops.

• Do you like soulmate AUs? Because LadyNoir is basically a soulmate AU in and of itself. They are creation and destruction and the most obvious representation of the yin/yang part of the love square. They’re two halves of a whole. They balance each other out.

• Ladybug and Chat Noir actually argue with each other! This may sound like a bad thing, but... they’re the first side of the love square to get comfortable enough to tell each other when they’re upset with the other. I feel like that’s a pretty important thing. Adrichat is not yet secure enough with Marinette to argue with her, and Maribug is not yet secure enough with Adrien to argue with him. Ladybug and Chat Noir are so comfortable and secure in their dynamic with each other that they can be totally honest with each other when the other upsets them. basically, they can bicker like an old married couple and it’s beautiful

•They share a burden that literally nobody else in Paris has. The temporary heroes have gotten a taste of what it’s like, sure, but nobody but Ladybug and Chat Noir truly understand the lengths that they have to go through to keep their secrets, the frustration of having to slip away from friends/family to transform at a moment’s notice, etc...

Picture: Ladybug’s responsibilities start weighing her down, so she goes to confide in Chat Noir, the only other person who can at all understand what she’s going through. He holds her and reminds her of how amazing she is, tells her how much he believes in her, reassures her that he’ll always be there by her side no matter what, offers to take some of the burden off of her shoulders, and then ends it all with a silly joke that makes her laugh.

• Ladybug and Chat Noir sharing stories about their kwamis, horror stories about the worst-possible-times they had to transform, laughing about their worst excuses, etc. They have so much to bond over that is so specific to them.

• This may sound silly at first, but hear me out..... LadyNoir is the most honest side of the love square. Yes, they have the most secrets between them (they literally don’t even know each other’s names), but they also have the least amount of secrets. Does that make sense? Let me explain:

Ladybug is fully and completely aware that Chat Noir has a name and life that she doesn’t know about, and vice versa. They are completely aware that the other has secrets, and have openly consented to not knowing them. Yes, they know the least about each other— but they’ve agreed to not know those things, which cannot be said for other sides of the love square.

• The amount of trust between them. They literally trust each other with their lives on a daily basis, not to mention the amount of trust they have that the other wont take a peak when they have to detransform near each other.

• How in sync they are with each other. Ladybug and Chat Noir just understand each other so innately, even with minimal verbal communication. They understand each other’s body language so well, and I don’t know how many times Ladybug gave the vaguest instruction to Chat Noir and he just knew what she meant.

• Ladybug and Chat Noir met first. This isn’t really important, but I wanted to point it out anyways. The first time the love square ever met was when they were Ladybug and Chat Noir, and Ladybug was the first friend Adrien made besides Chloé. I just think this is a cute fun fact so I wanted to throw it in here.

• The forbidden love aspect. They can’t know each other’s secret identities... they don’t even know each other’s names, and loving each other is putting them at risk for being taken advantage by Hawkmoth... but imagine them hiding away on a dark rooftop, stealing kisses and telling each other about how much they love each other despite it all.

• There is so much ‘Adrien and Marinette never met AU’ potential with LadyNoir. Imagine it with pre-established LadyNoir... and imagine their reveal, and they don’t know each other, and they actually get to meet each other. Imagine the potential of a fic about a long-standing and committed relationship between two people who never learned each other’s names, finally meeting for the actual first time. Imagine them getting to know things about each other’s personal lives, introducing them to their friends and family, slowly learning about all the things that they’d had to hide from each other for so many years......... honestly, it’s a trope/au that I love SO MUCH and honestly isn’t touched on nearly enough. I could go on about it forever.

• Relationships dwindle and get strained... Adrien and Marinette might graduate high school, go to different universities, and lose touch. Or maybe they might become too busy to be able to make time for each other... LadyNoir, though? Ladybug and Chat Noir are stuck together at LEAST until Hawkmoth is defeated, whether they like it or not.

• Enemies AU potential. I mean, Hawkmoth is literally Chat Noir’s father... imagine an AU where Adrien has been tricked by his father into thinking he’s on the good side, that what he’s doing will save his mother’s life and no one will actually get hurt, and then he meets Ladybug, sees her give her big speech to Paris, and falls in love. Chat Noir fighting with trying to justify his father’s actions vs knowing that Ladybug is objectively good. Ladybug seeing the good in Chat Noir, knowing that he’s not evil like Hawkmoth, and actively reaching out to him... so much potential, you guys.

• Ladybug and Chat Noir are the most confident versions of themselves... which means that, as their relationship progresses and they get to know each other, they’ll slowly learn each other’s insecurities, short-comings, greatest fears, etc. LadyNoir starts with masks, and then the two slowly open up and learn about the vulnerable side of each other, and I think that progression is amazing.

Like yeah, Marinette learning that Adrien has a joking/flirty/silly side to him is great and all... but you know what I think’s even cuter? Ladybug learning that Chat Noir has a timid/sad side to him. And Adrien learning that Marinette has a powerful/confident side to her? Great. Chat Noir learning that Ladybug has a clumsy/awkward/insecure side to her? Amazing.

• The FLIRTING AND BANTER. And I don’t just mean Chat Noir... Pre-Glaciator, Ladybug would sometimes flirt back with Chat Noir if the situation wasn’t too dire.

I mean seriously... these two together have so much chemistry. They’re so funny to watch on screen together / read fanfics of, and the way they bounce off each other is just priceless.

Now imagine them dating. Imagine all their playful banter and flirting, but tenfold.

• Ladybug pets Chat Noir like a cat.

That is all.

• Do you like angst? Because oh boy... the amount of close calls that they’ve had together... the amount of times they’ve watched the other get hurt. The emotional toll that takes on them. The way Ladybug frets over him and pulls him up when he’s injured, the way that we’ve seen them look at each other and fear that it could be the last, the way that Chat Noir has literally sacrificed his life for her multiple times....

There is an infinite amount of potential for "my love dying in my arms��, “I thought I was going to lose you”, and physical hurt/comfort scenarios with these guys, and all with a happy ending because of the Miraculous Ladybug Cure. Like, seriously.... there’s so much potential.

•They’re so emotionally supportive with each other. Seriously... the way they treat each other is so caring. Like, they care deeply about each other’s mental health, and the fact that these emotional scenes happen in the middle of such dire situations really helps to emphasize how much they’re willing to set aside in order to take care of each other.

In conclusion: The ML writing staff made the "Chat Noir can’t take rejection” subplot to nerf LadyNoir because otherwise it would be too powerful.

#ml #miraculous ladybug #miraculous #ladybug #chat noir #cat noir #ladynoir

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thenexusofsouls · 3 years

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Flock- what is your muse's family like? How do they get along with them? (Tony)

Eagle- is your muse courageous or cowardly? What might cause them to act in the opposite manner, if anything? (Ethan)

Sparrow- what artistic or creative hobbies does your muse have? What is their favorite or most treasured creation? (Natasha)

Cardinal- how does your muse recover from strong emotions? How do they recouperate? (Michael)

{i am the caretaker of souls} This got long, haha, so I’ll put it under a cut.

Flock- what is your muse's family like? How do they get along with them? (Tony)

So... Tony’s relationships with various members of his family are complicated and not always positive, but the following five people mean the most to him, and with each of them, he’s tried to do the right thing at least at some point in his life. With some it worked better than others, for varying reasons, but I’ll focus on these and describe his relationship with them a little:

Father, Howard Stark: Oh boy. Where do I begin. There was so much wrong with Tony’s relationship with his dad. Both of them were incredibly intelligent and very arrogant, and that caused a huge ego clash between them, but for different reasons. Howard never felt that Tony lived up to his expectations as a son, although half the time he didn’t really give him half a chance or bother to notice when Tony did do something productive, constructive, good, noteworthy, etc. Tony wanted his father’s love, attention, and approval, but often went about it the wrong away, trying to stand out with bad behavior rather than positive achievements. Whenever they met in the middle and could have had a chance at bonding, the two of them were so defensive or closed off that they just couldn’t open up to each other. This never really got resolved, and then Howard was killed, so Tony was left with not only a huge hole in his heart from the love he felt he never really got from Howard, but also an emotional wound that would never have any closure.

Mother, Maria Stark: Tony loved his mother to bits, although when he was younger he often pretended like she worried to much and sometimes smothered him. From Maria, Tony got the love he felt he never got from his dad, but it was almost too easy. She just gave it unconditionally, and in some ways that offset what he wasn’t getting from his dad so much more because of the dramatic contrast in how his parents treated him. She was the softer, forgiving, understanding, encouraging parents in contrast to Howard’s aloof, distant, businesslike fathering. She was the one person in his life that he felt safe going to in any kind of vulnerable way, and losing her left Tony feeling very alone and isolated in a way he couldn’t express to other people... so he bottled it all up.

Girlfriend/Wife, Pepper Potts: Ugh. This relationship, in my opinion, was terrible and toxic. He was distant, defensive, and he abused alcohol to an extreme. Also he put her in danger either by accident or inadvertently with things he said or did. His communication was never the greatest and his coping mechanisms were unhealthy at best. She shamed Tony for his trauma responses as if they were personality flaws he should be ashamed of (scattered memory, nightmares, panic attacks, etc.), used walking out on him as a threat and emotional weapon against him whenever she just didn’t feel like dealing with him, and often was not there for him when he needed her. But... Tony genuinely loved her and something must have been good enough for both of them for them to want to make it work, and somehow, eventually, it did. I think once Tony knew he wasn’t going to lose her (the threat of her always just wanting to leave really kept him on edge in a way that was damaging to his mental health), he calmed down and some of his behaviors and coping mechanisms actually got better, which then in turn made Pepper want to stay with him and work it out, so those two things fed off each other in a positive way. Her actually marrying him brought about an emotional stability Tony never had before, both within himself and in a relationship. He settled down considerably after that and was much more stable mentally once he had her full support. He loves her with all his heart and there isn’t much he wouldn’t do for her.

Older Daughter, Carter Stark: This is going to sound terrible, haha, so I’ll preface it by saying that Tony loves Carter immensely. She’s his daughter and all he wants to do is keep her safe and make sure she has the best life she can. But... in many ways, she’s also a symbol of some of the worst times in his life, some of the worst things about himself, and some of the worst things he’s ever done. He slept around, he let people down, he got people killed, he wasn’t there for the ones he loved, etc. She reminds him of a lot of things about himself that he wishes weren’t true or didn’t happen. Her existence has also made him wonder on many occasions whether he might have other children whose mothers never knew he was the father or chose not to even inform him. He loves her, as I said, but there’s also just this aching pain and guilt he feels with her that he didn’t do enough for her, didn’t protect her well, or even that her life might have been better had she not known him. Some of that is his own anxiety telling him things that aren’t true, but some of it is due to events that happened that he knows have affected Carter’s mental health that Tony feels responsible for, either through his own actions or by the company he kept at the time. So Carter reminds Tony of the worst, lowest, and most broken aspects of himself, and I think that will always cause him to believe that he was a terrible father to her. He’s spent many hours wishing that he had done more for her in some way and had been able to be a better father than Howard was to him.

Younger Daughter, Morgan Stark: If Carter is a symbol of how bad a father he could be and some of Tony’s worst qualities, the Morgan is a symbol of the best he could be. Morgan in many ways is Tony’s redemption. Other people outside looking in might say his actions during Endgame were redeeming, or that he had moments before that throughout the franchise that helped redeem parts of him along the way, but in Tony’s mind, Morgan is his redemption. She’s what happens when he does things right. Carter helped contribute to this because he didn’t want to make the same mistakes he made with her, and he sought to correct as many as he could. His own father also contributed because Tony had a big example of the kind of father he never wanted to be, and he tried to avoid that at all costs. Stepping back from the Avengers and focusing on his marriage and being a father to his daughters was far better for his mental health, even with the guilt and sadness of everyone’s failure in Infinity War. So the years during which he raised Morgan were Tony’s most stable and healthy as far as his own mental state. If he was ever concerned about the legacy he would leave - and he was - he knew he was leaving something pure and positive behind after his death, whenever it might be, with Morgan.

Eagle- is your muse courageous or cowardly? What might cause them to act in the opposite manner, if anything? (Ethan)

Ethan is actually pretty damn brave, considering he’s lived a number of years in fear. Before he entered into this nomadic lifestyle in an attempt to keep other people at a distance, he was protective of his friends and girlfriends. As he and his more recent girlfriend Kelly dealt with the creature infesting their house, there were many times when he was woken up in the middle of the night by her or suddenly startled by her screaming and had to get up and see what the problem was. He would always go on the offensive, investigating with something held as a weapon, letting Kelly hide behind him. He was scared, but he wasn’t about to let her get hurt. The problem was, there wasn’t really anything he could do about it in the end.

When Ethan is by himself, it’s a different story. He’s willing to be that shield or put himself in danger to protect someone he cares about, but if it’s just him alone, he’s not stupid. He’s not looking to throw his life away for nothing. So when he’s alone, he’s a lot more attention to his self-preservation instincts.

Sparrow- what artistic or creative hobbies does your muse have? What is their favorite or most treasured creation? (Natasha)

Dancing. Specifically ballet dancing. Allow me to explain. You might think that she’d never want to touch pointe shoes again with how ballet was used against her in the Red Room. It was used as a conditioning tool, both for its strenuous and physical demands and difficult skillset necessary to master it, but also for other typical brainwashing techniques it provides, such as the use of repetition, association through music, and creating a sense of isolation through competition with others around you. However, something weird happened after Natasha defected to SHIELD. She started to dance for herself. She only did it when alone, sometimes with music but often times without any. Somehow, she took this thing that had been used against her and made it her own. It became a source of comfort, almost like the dancing itself had been a wounded friend, and somehow by only doing it privately and emotionally, she was helping it to be something more positive every bit as much as it was helping her heal.

While dancing, Natasha lets her mind wander. She allows herself to feel things she doesn’t express to others. At several points in her life when things hurt her emotionally, she took time out to dance. Such as when Wanda dredged up memories of the Red Room in her mind, when Bruce left her, and often during the years between Infinity War and Endgame. As far as hat her most treasured creation is... I suppose it isn’t something solid she can hold in her hands, but every time she dances, she feels like she’s created something good. And I would definitely say it’s treasured because it’s cathartic for her and helps her to feel whole and less anxious, and there's incredible value in that for her.

Cardinal- how does your muse recover from strong emotions? How do they recouperate? (Michael)

Since the word “recover” is being used, I’m assuming the strong emotions in question are negative ones? Anger, sadness, frustration, fear, those sorts of things? Typically, he needs to take a step back and be quiet and/or alone for a time to reset himself. Michael does have a temper, and he does feel emotions like sadness and grief very strongly, so sometimes he needs to step back and make sure that he doesn’t make any rash decisions based off of emotion. Quiet prayer usually helps, but if not that then just sitting quietly alone for a time, preferably out in nature somewhere, usually serves to reset his internal composure and steady his mind. Michael doesn’t like to act impulsively or in anger, so if he feels himself about to do that, he usually steps away. The one exception is when someone he cares about is in danger, then he might act on his protective instincts. Regret follows, but again, he finds prayer to be comforting to him in those types of moments.

#{ i am the caretaker of souls } ᵒᵒᶜ #headcanons #muse: michael #muse: ethan cavender #muse: tony stark #muse: natasha romanoff

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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some genius pt Musings i’ve been having this time around

1) the question of “is mytho’s hair white just from unknown decades of Time Passage within the paused story, like, his hair pigmentation Aged but nothing else lol” or “That, but his hair is white from the stress” (it’s that one lol. plus fr why would only his hair change due to Time) but i wanna introduce a Third Element: i think we can suppose in-the-story tutu’s appearance / disappearance happens just before or v shortly before the interrupted non-ending of prinz und rabe, and it sure seems like some or all or some Version of tutu’s Essence & part of the prince’s heart are like, truly Merged, and what if it’s that the prince got white hair from That b/c it was more swan-esque. a la the white feathery part of ahiru-tutu’s (& that one design of seemingly-prinz-und-rabe tutu)’s hair

2) again w/the matter of how at least part of Original Tutu seems to exist on in the prince’s physical heart: there’s the brief mention that fakir and mytho dance b/c Mytho Likes To Dance, which like, would be one of those Traits that transcends his emotions, like how he protects everything (so does tutu? emotionally? while the prince protects everyone physically (against a Metaphor for Despair so is that not also, in a way, emotionally too) like thank you power couple) but there’s also the brief mention that tutu is a Spirit Of Dance maybe so it’s like, again, did tutu becoming part of mytho pass something along in that way which imbues him with that proclivity to dance (although you’ve also got neko-sensei saying his dancing was not that Emotional earlier, which makes sense, but also seems like tutu protecting Feelings happens via dance. by “seems” i mean “this is a key aspect of literally every part of this series” s/o to me) or on another note: maybe drosselmeyer just wrote prinz und rabe For Adaptation lmfao. he was like “fuck yes they’re gonna make this into a ballet.” what with this series’ implication that like....the nutcracker is one of his stories where he just so happens to have a full self-insert who textually uses that power to make stories become reality. and that sure is a ballet. and from looking it up just now i’m learning that it was Based on a preexisting story, and, reading the wikipedia summary, i’m also remembering i’ve read an adapted-into-another-book version of this story, and it sure has another layer of “story interwoven with / becoming Reality” to it. anyways my point is i suppose, Watsonianly Speaking, prinz und rabe involving Ballet could’ve been Written Into It throughout all the characters, or maybe it’s just tutu who dances, which then becomes part of mytho’s character when her sacrifice like, bonds (part of? all? whomst can say) her to his heart. bless. doylean reason is this is a series about ballet and stuff

3) Another Briefly Mentioned thing when mytho talks about how he apparently could just naturally draw birds to him. and ahiru having that happen in the first episode/s is like, could be b/c she’s a bird or could be because she has part of the prince’s heart, as is emphasized like, immediately during the Bird Visit in ep 1. so i just had the thought like, a duck who cares about mytho gets to become tutu, but what if it was any other bird, surely it Could be. that fledgling canary he’s saving in episode 1 gets to become tutu mid-fall

4) i had some other Thought and i’ve forgotten it. well in the meantime thinking about how everyone dunks on Prinz Und Rabe Textual Lohengrin as the useless loser failure knight lmaooo but then like, that was just re: the One mentioned fatal raven encounter & also specifically about that lohengrin can’t protect the prince with his sword. but like, sure Behearted Mytho can probably exercise a little more discretion in risking his life to save whatever needs protecting, vs unsupervised heartless mytho diving out of windows, but can we really suppose he was That much more careful about staying safe vs impulsively throwing himself into a situation to save something at all costs. how much work did lohengrin do simply making sure the prince didn’t die in that sort of way. thank you lohengrin

5) oh right. i was thinking about Magic i think. s/o to the person who had the idea that when tutu sacrificed herself and turned into Light she might’ve merged with Good Magic in the story’s world, which the prince also had access to, and that’s how she kind of literally becomes part of him / they share powers / they share their Swan / Dance visual themes & stuff. & i was sure at one point wondering about the Forbidden But Granted Only To The Prince (own...?)-heart-shattering ability, like, maybe at some point an implicitly more specific verb was used like “taught,” or did the prince simply just Have the power by virtue of being the prince, or did it like, come from tutu who has the tie to the prince & Loved him & has those abilities to protect people’s Feelings, although maybe that’s just like, a choice and not inherently part of the magic lol. and then the Real World Magic we see is just like, inherited. but wait then there’s that bridge & ghosts & stuff, although there’s Stories about those too apparently. nvm this one’s really vague i’m just wondering if the Prince alone has that heartshattering Magic Technique through tutu or what. could be anything

6) but no really i think i had some other Thought, i’m sure it was great & ig i’ll reblog if it reoccurs to me, but i got distracted down another mental track so, you know, rip. in the meantime just thinking like, i have no imagination but was trying to muse on some sort of big Attack power the prince could have, b/c the classic thing to happen in the story (whether mentioned in its text or not) is for mytho to go ham with some such Power Surge [Magic Thing] to drive the raven away after lohengrin gets Got. even after he gets his full prince Abilities back he mostly only seems to Attack with his sword. damn wait a second and when he just like crashes Into the raven the big Swan Made Of Light appears first like hang on like is that Him? was it part of his Transport, can he like, Also turn into a swan of light or is it just how he Appears, was it tutu’s Hope Manifestation again since he’s being That to rue in that moment, oh my god. a lot to consider. anyways, but then the thing is, some sort of like Energy Blast move would go outside the realm of [fighting with the sword alone] and the prince’s Magic mostly seeming to be like, a mobility Boost, and how everything abt the prince is centered around Defense and Protection rather than going on the offensive. but then, who’s to say the Heart Shattering technique couldn’t be used as an Attack but was used by the prince only as a self-sacrificial protective thing, and who’s to say the prince Doesn’t have other powerful Attacks to draw from but refrains from using them if there’s others around to be hurt or whatever. i’m just trying to think of how the prince could just really go tf off and Immediately get the raven to fuck off after lohengrin is ko’d because that’s appropriately Tragically Dramatic & Emotion-Fueled Magic, not to mention the best case scenario vs still having to continue like 23 hours of battle when your boyfriend Just died. i mean like boom Light Blasts type situation i guess. or maybe he could just land a really good sword hit like Right Away. thinking about it. anyways

7) oh wait shit lmfao idk if this was The other thought but it was Another thought. that everyone in The Story (Within Reality) is like, locked in The Town (although they can leave if they’re not a Character / if they entered from outside? presumably) but in episode one this all kicks off b/c mytho was at The Lake which is Outside the town, right? i’m pretty sure. which like, is that something he Can and has been able to Do.....is this a. a liminal space. or did/does drosselmeyer like drop him over there sometimes For Some Reason, like having “stages” available around here, a la the s1 finale.....like, didn’t seem like he Knew if he put mytho in front of waterfowl that one would become devoted to restoring mytho’s heart. probably Does Not Matter, Actually, but it sure happened and much to Think about there. shoutout to mytho dancing en pointe whenever it’s magical and he can do so, e.g. when dancing naked on the surface of a liminal lake, or midair with tutu. iconic

8) the point is i’m sure just Thinking About Him (mytho)

#long post ////#princess tutu #brain going [epcot vine] Mytho.......#let's see if i can get normal General Mode brain back lol #good luck to me trying to remember what it was i forgot....nothing that urgent or even much of a question as i recall the gist of it but....#also me reading the wikipedia entry for the nutcracker (ballet) like what do you MEAN it wasn't a success when it opened!!!!!!!! fuck that #imagine having to wait like 75+ years for that album to finally become Popular ugh god.....#omfggg just heard word that someone made the choc chip cookie mix Fuck yes. Thee s-tier dessert...speaking of the nutcracker (ft's desserts)

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