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soft-ris · 3 years

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HI FRIEND, FOR THE CP: (such a cute idea btw!!!) let me see if i get this right...i cut it short but i have curly hair, dark dark brown but with some really cool natural blonde highlights. i have bluish-silver eyes and i think nice lips, and am around 5'7" (174 cm i think?). i am a WRITER to the core, super creative, ideas hit me 24/7. i really love history and would love to visit ruins someday. movie junkie. i'm sarcastic but like to think to think i'm also funny! I'LL BE 🐄 I HAVE ONE MORE 😫

OKAY ITS 🐄 AGAIN. as i said i really love making people laugh and writing poetry for people. i'm very selfless but often to a major fault lol, not very good at taking care of myself a lot. self esteem? DON'T KNOW HER. but hey, i kinda enjoy cooking, and i really love reading!! (IS THIS OVERSHARING) since we only have jojo in common my top 3 are risotto🖤, DIO⚰ and Jonathan🗡 :^) thank you AGAIN an i hope you have an absolutely wonderful day my dood

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Cupid’s Pick for your match made in heaven is...

...Jonathan!

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I'm very selfless but often to a major fault lol. Not very good at taking care of myself a lot. Self-esteem? DON'T KNOW HER.

The MAIN reason I chose Jonathan was because of this. Jonathan’s a whole gentleman (I mean he basically strived to be one). Kind and sweet and positive and has a heart bigger than both his boobs and ass cheeks combined. He would be the best match up for you because his affirmations and positive attitude and sweetness would be like to honey to your tea, the sugar to your coffee, the whipped cream to your strawberry. He’s the best (out of the characters you’ve given me) in reassuring you. And because of his personality and disposition, you’d be well taken care of (physically especially). Your self-esteem would also flourish because there’s no doubt that he loves you and only you (romantically), and he’d remind and show you for as long as he’s with you. He’d also appreciate your selflessness the most because he’s always out there being selfless, so having it be done to him is just a big uwu for him. I feel like that’s how he shows his devotion and love, and so your selflessness is just top notch in catching his heart. But when you take it too far, he will reign you back in. He may scold you, but you’ll know it’s because he means well and he doesn’t want to see you hurt or exhausted. He’s sincere in that sense, and because of that, you know he means it when he tells you he loves you, when he calls you beautiful, when he says you own his heart and soul because you actually do. In the long-term, I see his personality just helping you improve your self-esteem and self-care and selflessness naturally.

While I was tempted to match you up with Risotto, Jonathan ultimately won out because I do not see him (Ris) doing as well with this aspect of yours (compared to big boy Jonathan). He can translate your selflessness to either being a pushover (when you bend yourself backwards for others, and he’s disapproving of that because he believes you should respect yourself more and may even take you under his wing instead of his bedsheets lol) OR he can interpret this as either your loyalty to him (when you bend yourself backwards for him). With the latter, he may end up taking advantage of it sometimes. This is because I believe he’s so used to having things taken away from him or not having enough of something, so he may subconsciously demand more of you in some manifestation of greed. So you’d end up giving more, he’d end up taking more, and it’s just not a good balance. ESPECIALLY if you say you’re not good at taking care of yourself. I’m not saying he won’t take care of you if you two are dating, but I also think he needs someone who can essentially function well without him (since he’s so busy and has a lot on his plate and can’t always be there for you; I’m not saying you’re a burden bc you’re not, I’m just saying Ris has a lot going on and he doesn’t want to be the reason for your decline in health and mental state if y’all were dating bc he wasn’t there and he will beat himself up over it).

The biggest reason I didn’t pair you up with DIO specifically is because I feel like he would 1000000000000000000000% take advantage of this. He’s not above that and he most likely will not feel remorse for that. Hell, he would 100% enjoy utilizing your disposition to his advantage, and in the long-term (hell, even in short-term), that’s not good for you and your health at all. As shown countless times before, he relishes in power and does not enjoy it when people are of equal or higher standing than him. And because of that, I feel like he would not hesitate to use your low self-esteem and selflessness to further his ego and complex. DIO’s also surrounded by gorgeous people every day, and he wouldn’t bat an eyelash if you were to voice your insecurities to him. Although, he may end up also using sweet reassuring words to you just so you fall under his spell harder (which means it would be easier to manipulate u and ur selflessness) OR he may exploit it and make you feel more insecure but also manipulate you to be more mindlessly devoted to him (it’s easier to use that forehead bug thing but that’s removable). All in all, it would just breed an extremely dependent and toxic relationship between the 2 of you because you would never be his equal, even in a relationship with him. He’s not the antagonist for nothing lol (I’m well aware of his past and the implications/effects it has, but we’ve all seen how he has acted throughout his life and his thought process). 0/10 recommend.

I am a WRITER to the core, super creative, ideas hit me 24/7.

Jonathan would be supportive all around and would love to help you in any way he could. He’d want to read everything you produce too! Overall, extremely proud of your creativity and if you publish a book, he will throw a party, make Speedwagon buy a copy too, and cherishes the first copy you give him.

Risotto would gift you things to help you with this, like books, stationaries, & etc. Would help you out with proofreading and editing too if he has the time. He’s supportive like that and he’s attracted to how you’re so creative and can draw inspiration at all times.

DIO thinks your creativity is admirable. He would also love to read what you write, but is very critical. He’s read so many books, and while preference is subjective, he knows what good writing is (based on genre, style, & etc.). So if it’s not good, you’ll know why from A to Z. And if you get disheartened by him, he will look down on you and call your passion weak.

I really love history and would love to visit ruins someday.

Jonathan seems like he likes travelling in general, so he would love to visit with you too! Might not be super into history, but well, anything will interest this big puppy if you tell him passionately enough.

Risotto looks like he doesn’t mind? Not super interested, not super disinterested either, but will travel with you if he’s able to free up his schedule.

DIO can only go at night, but he looks like he enjoys history and ruins.

Movie junkie.

Jonathan and you would set up a weekly movie night date thing, and he’ll let you pick whenever because he just loves to spend time with youwu. He has some favourites, but if the movie doesn’t interest him, he’ll still sit through it but his attention would be on cuddling you.

Risotto? Kinda depends on the genre? But he looks like the kind to not have enough time to be a movie lover or sit through one for you, so not the best match.

DIO prefers books so he won’t indulge in this love of yours, but if it’s an adaptation from a book he would watch it. But he’ll be a raging bitch if doesn’t match up to the books. Honestly, if he’s uninterested, he won’t be watching it.

I’m sarcastic but like to think to think I’m also funny!

I see Jonathan as someone who enjoys it when his partner can quip back, so while he may not find sarcasm funny most of the time (when aimed at him), he does find it attractive. If you’re sarcastic to the people who give him a hard time, he would kiss you passionately afterwards and who knows… you might even get dicked down after oho. If you’re sarcastic to the people he cares about, he won’t mind if no one’s feelings are hurt.

DIO won’t tolerate being disrespected in any form, even if it’s a joke. I just can’t see him allowing that with that God complex of his lol, but he does find it amusing when you’re sarcastic to other people.

Risotto loves sarcasm, but he has an image to keep. So as long as you don’t undermine or disrespect him (you have to have a 6th sense with the boundaries), he’s more than happy to sass you back or chuckle at it.

I really love making people laugh.

Jonathan and Risotto appreciates this the most. Finds it lovely. Jonathan especially because he finds it so sweet that you want to bring laughter to others. Risotto enjoys a partner who would love to bring more joy into his life. But I see the shit Risotto laughs at as dry or dark or when its real stupid or boomer/dad-like, anything else he’s a little like ‘ok’. Jonathan appreciates the effort alone and would tease you a little if it’s a really bad joke (all in good nature of course).

DIO…he laughs mostly at other people’s demise or stupidity or cluelessness. That’s all I’m gonna say.

I really love writing poetry for people.

Jonathan would SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOON SO hard. He would show it off to Speedwagon and then keep it tucked somewhere safe so he can read it whenever he wants to.

God he’s just so in love with you and he thinks it’s just so romantic of you. He absolutely loves it. Hell, even if it’s not for him, he’s so proud and awestruck because poetry is hard and he’s just so proud whenever he brags about this skill/hobby of yours. He also thinks it’s so sweet of you to write poetry for others and love doing it. Man just has heart eyes all around and I can’t blame him.

DIO would be smug about it for all the same reasons but in a more…condescending way? Like ‘HA. Do you peasants see that? Their talent? You could never lmao’. But would get pissy if you write for others more than you write for him because he should be your #1.

Risotto would say thank you and give you a kiss. Outwardly he won’t show as much (unless you look hard enough and notice the way his eyes soften more, like the way he would smile too, and his cheeks might even have a touch of pink), but he will forever treasure the poem. He also keeps his favorite on him all the time, like a little good luck charm. He doesn’t brag about your talent, but he’ll proudly agree if someone brings it up. Of course, you wouldn’t know all this though (unless you accidentally find out).

I kinda enjoy cooking.

Johnathan has a refined palate because of his upbringing, but he also looks like he’d eat whatever you cook solely because you made it just for him. He’s a gentleman and a sap with a big heart, if he doesn’t like it, he’ll eat it. He might tell you what can be tweaked, but never in a way that makes you feel bad or inadequate. He also looks like he can’t cook for shit lmao, so teach him!! He’s always down to do anything if it means spending time with the love of his life uwu

Risotto and DIO would tell you straight up if they don’t like what you’ve made. The difference is, DIO (if he ain’t a vampire yet) wouldn’t even touch it (anymore after the first bite) lmao, Risotto too but he’d end up cooking with you to teach you how to improve the dish. Of course, he doesn’t do it to shit on you. He appreciates the sentiment, but he’s not going to subject himself to something he doesn’t enjoy if he can help it. Also would turn it into a cooking date with you. DIO would just take over the kitchen and make you watch LOL

I really love reading!!

DIO too! I see Risotto enjoying it as well, but not as much and probably prefers music related hobbies. As for Jonathan, he doesn’t mind it? He’s not the biggest fan of it, but if you read it to him, he’d happily perch his head on your lap and listen to you like an audio book sent from the heavens (but somewhere along the way he will fall asleep KSKSKSK)

DIO would engage in conversations with you on the books (also thoroughly enjoys if you can keep it interesting), Risotto would if he knew the book (but would then just listen and ask questions if he didn’t), Jonathan is just happy to have your attention on him, but would read the book and talk about it with you if you want that.

Your physical appearance description.

Jonathan would just love to play with and admire your hair 24/7, and if his attention isn’t on your hair, then it’d be on your lips. Kissing, brushing his tongue or fingers or **** against your lips, just absolutely loving the shape and feel of it.

And because you’re also tall(-er than average?), kisses are SO much more easier to access and that’s such a plus uwu. I mean regardless of height, he can always just lift you, but he also doesn’t have to bend too far when plopping his head on the crown of ur head too. And if u wear heels or shoes that give u extra height? Power couple goals😩🤘🏼💫

#jonathan joestar #jjba #jojo #jojo’s bizarre adventure #cupids_pick

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bssaz97 · 4 years

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After knowing what Jaune (D Arc) did to Ironwood and his men do you think Cinder would try doing the same thing Jaune went through but it goes horribly wrong?

Jaune D’ Arc part 2

Weiss: Let me get this straight. After you were captured, they took you to Salem’s castle.

Jaune: Mm-Hmm.

Weiss: Where it was revealed to you that you are a descendants of one of Salem and Ozma’s once thought to be dead children.

Jaune: Yep.

Weiss: So because of that she tried to convince you to join her side and rule as her heir. But you said she could, and I quote-

Jaune/Weiss: “Go fuck herself and her batshit crazy ass cult!”

Jaune: Yes I did say all of that.

Qrow: But because she didn’t like that answer she had you transferred to Watts’ secured hideout laboratory.

Jaune: Ohhh yeah you should have seen the look on their faces. Especially Cindy, bitch was about to blow a gasket. But anyway, continue.

Qrow: Right...so after you were brought to the lab, where Watts tortured you behind Salem’s back and tried to pry information out of you about the rest of us.

Jaune: Damn. Right.

Ren: When all that failed, Arthur decided to do try another test which involved putting you in the tube that we found you in. Which was filled with...I’m sorry what did you call it?

Jaune: Red shit. But I’m also pretty much it was Grimm essence.

Weiss: And you survived that, how?

Jaune: I’m assuming my semblance.

Weiss/Qrow/Ren: Ah. Right.

Nora: But if you’re semblance saved you, why do you look like a scary boy Salem?

Jaune: Well while my semblance kept me alive. Didn’t really do much else to stop the effects of the red shit changing my body. Eventually my body and semblance was changed to the point where I could barely recognize myself. Also I now need to absorb the aura of others to fuel my own and my current mental health is pretty fucked if I do say so myself, but what else is new am I right?

Everyone: .....

Jaune: Ok joke didn’t work. Got it.

Ruby: Jaune.....Do you know if...this is permanent or not?

Jaune: Well. It’s supposed to be an almost exact same liquid from the pool that changed Salem to what she is now soooooo I’m gonna assume that this is not reversible.

Ruby: Oh...

Jaune: .....does it really bother you?

Ruby: What! No! Jaune, I’m happy to have you back alive! You have no idea how much everyone missed you, how I missed you. I just wanted to know if you are ok with these changes.

Jaune: .....no. But I don’t really have much choice in the matter anymore so I guess I’ll just have to live with it. But anyway that’s my story.

Qrow: Well kid, you’ve been through a helluva experience. Come on, let’s get going before anybody else gets here.

Jaune: That sounds great. How do we do that?

Ruby: We were able to get ahold of a Manta to get here. Now come on let’s get out of here. *Takes his hand but feels him not moving * Huh? Jaune?

Jaune: Actually.....I have a better idea.

He walks over to Ironwood’s unconscious body.

Jaune: Hey Jimmy how’s it going? You look great! Say I was wondering, do you mind if we borrow your ride? No you don’t mind. Great! You’re a pal! *Reaches into Ironwood’s coat and pulled out a keycard.*

Weiss: Jaune! What are you doing?!

Jaune: Getting us a new ride!

Time Skip; Elsewhere....

Salem: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S GONE?!!!

Salem’s faction are all present in the War Room when Arthur had arrived to inform Salem of recent events. So naturally she was very displeased by the news.

Arthur: Uh, well...you see your grace, he didn’t actually escape rather he was.....recovered by the Rose child’s group. *Salem stood right in front of him*

Salem: Really? Very well then, for my next question I want to know as to WHY YOU LET THEM TAKE MY HEIR?!

Arthur: They caught me off guard you see! I was just doing my normal procedures-

Cinder: You mean dancing in your lab?

Arthur: My NORMAL procedures! And then suddenly the little ginger hell spawn bombed my facility.

Salem: And instead of securing my heir, ensuring that OUR ENEMIES do not get a hold of him.....what did you do?

Arthur: Um well.....you see.....I-

Mercury: Hid in his safe room like a bitch!

Emerald: MERC!

Salem: No! That’s quite alright young Sustrai, I believe that perfectly explains the behavior of our dear doctor here. *She stood up as her back faced the outside windows* So tell me Arthur, how are you going to make this up to me?

Arthur: *sweating* I can assure you my grace! I will retrieve the Arc, you see I installed a tracking device on his person after-! *Stops himself*

Salem: .....I’m sorry. What was that last part Arthur? *Side glances him*

Arthur: Well...forgive me your grace but I feel I should confess that.....I may have withheld some information about the Arc boy’s status at my facility.

Salem: Status...

Arthur: *Sweating profusely* He’s Fine! Really he’s just fine!.....for the most part. AH! *Magically pulled towards Salem, where she grabbed his shirt*

Salem: What did you do?

Arthur: N-Nothing life threatening! I think...

Salem: What did you do?

Arthur: I.....may have dabbled a little into..... Grimm Essence Research while he was at my facility.

Salem: .*Her eyes widened* ....what?

Arthur: But he’s fine! He survived the procedure perfectly. Honestly you should have seen the results, now he looks more like your descendant than ev-WAH! *Gets slammed into the front glass panel, causing multiple cracks to form*

Salem: Don’t you think that if I wanted him to be like me. I would have asked you to make so?

Arthur: You know I’m suddenly starting to realize that.

Salem: How much?

Arthur: W-What?

Salem: How much of the Grimm essence did you give him?

Arthur: uuuuuuuuuhhhh.

Salem: Arthur.....

Arthur: I put him in a tank of it.

Salem: YOU FOOL! *Throws him across the room, hitting the opposite wall*

Tyrian: Hehehehehehehe! Oh what fun we’re having today!

Emerald: Cinder, shouldn’t we try to stop her? I mean he is our only tech support.

Cinder: Shh! Not yet. I want to see how far she goes.

The negative aura surrounding the Grimm Queen seemed to emit off her person as she slowly walked towards Arthur. This caused him to scrabbles to steady himself on the wall, fear for his life very much on his mind.

Arthur: W-W-Wait! Your grace, I promise you we get him back!

Salem: It’s far too late for that Arthur. Even if you can track him down, you’ll never be able to recapture him. After all, if he’s anything like me now he’ll most likely try and succeed to kill you and anyone you send after him.

Arthur: Your Grace! I implore you, beg you to give me another chance. Have I ever failed you before!

Salem: .......You make a point. You’ve been faithful up until now, therefore I shall let you keep your life.

Arthur: *Sighs in relief* Thank you my grace...

Salem: But fail me again Arthur.....and I shall fill these very walls with your blood.

Arthur: ...I understand your grace.

Salem: Now go on then, it seems like you have some searching to do.....oh and take Tyrian and Cinder with you. Just to ensure you do not fail me again, right Arthur?

Arthur: Y-Yes your grace, we won’t fail! Come along Tyrian, Cinder.

The three followers and two subordinates of Salem make their way out of the room. Once they make it down the hall. They enter a second room where they can plan their operation.

Arthur: Alright everyone, since we all have our assignment from her Grace. I think it’s best we find out leads as to where the target is going.

Cinder: Before we do anything! Why don’t you show us exactly what you’ve been up to, do you have any record of the breakout?

Arthur: I do. But I must insist that we-

Cinder: You just claimed to have turned Jaune Arc into a replica of Salem, I think I speak for everyone here that I’m curious to know in what regard you meant.

Tyrian: I wouldn’t mind seeing for myself either of how the boy has been blessed by our goddess.~ I say role the tape!

Arthur: ‘Heavy Sigh’ Very well. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you...

Five Minutes Later....

Jaune: *in recording* What’s wrong Jimmy?! You were talking good shit a second ago! Why don’t you have one of your dead men give you a new arm?! I’m sure they gladly do it as they now have plenty to give.

Arthur at this point decided to pause the video as he’s sure everyone got the message. He turns to look at everyone and sees they have a variety of expressions. Cinder and Mercury have a pale expression of shock and fright on their faces, while Emerald had stopped watching halfway through the video to puke in the corner. Tyrian had a sickening gleeful expression as if he was watching a blockbuster movie. But that face dropped when the video ended.

Tyrian: Hey! Why did you stop it? It was getting to the good part!

Cinder: This.....is Jaune Arc?

Arthur: Unfortunately, yes.

Cinder: Watts.....BY THE GODS WHAT IN WORLD POSSESSED YOU TO CREATE THIS MONSTROSITY!!! AND WHY GIVE IT TO HIM OF ALL PEOPLE?!!!

Arthur: Look here! I don’t need anyone else here to tell me when I clearly have made a misjudgment!

Mercury: Doc this isn’t a misjudgment, this is a complete fuckin’ disaster! We already had one Salem on our backs, NOW WE GOT TWO OF EM!

Arthur: Look it’s not that bad!

Emerald: ‘Huff!’ Not that bad?! That.....THING turned a group of Atlesian specialists into burger meat! And you want US to go up against THAT! We’re going die!

Arthur: Don’t you think I’m already aware of that! I’m not even sure if sending a maiden will be enough to stop him! But I obviously cannot do this by myself!

Cinder: .....Then why don’t we even the odds.

Arthur/Mercury/Emerald: What?

Cinder: You were able to accomplish this process once. Couldn’t you do it again?

Emerald: Cinder. You’re not actually-?

Cinder: Power is power. And if I’m right that means if someone else had any similar abilities as him, they would be able to overpower him. Right?

Arthur: .....It’s possible. However I highly recommend that you don’t undergo such a procedure.

Cinder: And why not?! If you’re not confident in your own work than what’s to stop me from-

Arthur: I don’t doubt my work! It’s the person I’m concerned over.

Cinder: What?

Arthur: You see this isn’t the first time I’ve dabbled into this kind of research. It’s only the first success.

Cinder: You’ve done this before?

Arthur: Yes.....it’s been a pet project of mine for sometime. However, I rarely ever had any test subjects survive. Those that do.....well they are far from ever being human again.

Cinder: How?

Arthur: Well most that do undergo the procedure, turn out to be more Grimm-like than desirable. They become mindless beasts that slowly decay into nothing.

Everyone: .....

Mercury: Oum, how long have you been doing this for?!

Arthur: About three to four years give or take.

Cinder: If that’s the case. Why shouldn’t I undergo the procedure?

Arthur: Do you really think Salem would accept or be pleased that I turned her Fall Maiden into a mindless beast?

Cinder: If Someone by the likes of Jaune Arc could survive, then so can I!

Arthur: Absolutely not! I already have her eyes behind my back, do you want me to kill myself!

Cinder: I can take it by force if I have to! I have magic!

Arthur: You wouldn’t survive!

Cinder: AND WHY NOT?!

Arthur: Because you lack a sense of humanity!

Cinder: *confused* What?!

Arthur: This procedure isn’t just about the physical capability of the recipient but the mental as well. You think it’s only a coincidence that someone like Jaune Arc survives solely for his semblance and genealogy to Salem?

Cinder: Oh you’ve got to be kidding? You’re telling me that the reason he survived and became this way is because of his humanity!

Arthur: .....As much as I despise the notion yes. Also they have to be a virgin.

Cinder: Watts, you damn well!

Arthur: Thought but didn’t want to assume. But I’m afraid I can’t allow you to undergo the procedure. You’re too important to the mission and we both know we shouldn’t give it to Tyrian. *Both look at the crazed scorpion licking his blades*

Cinder: Point taken.

Arthur: Yes, for this procedure we require someone who is.....expendable. *Looks at the two others in the room.*

Emerald: .....Why is he looking at us like that?

Mercury: Because we’re fucked.

End of Part 2.

Had fun writing this one and I hope you guys enjoyed!

#rwby #jaune arc #ruby rose #lie ren #nora valkyrie #weiss schnee #qrow brawnwen #arthur watts #salem #cinder fall #emerald sustrai #mercury black #tyrian callows #rwby lancaster #lancaster #dracula jaune #jaune d’ arc

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who-is-olivia · 5 years

Text

Track 6. Only Angel

Harry Styles x OC

Olivia has to perform in the Victoria Secret Fashion Show but struggles to deal with her mental health. [3.7k]

Genre: fluff, angst

Warnings: nudity, sexual language, mental health struggles

December 2014

They hadn't been on speaking terms.

Two years ago, Olivia had a breakdown and decided to go back to her hometown in Brazil, right when One Direction was set to perform on Madison Square Garden. They split up to give her room to recover and it was working... until Taylor came into the picture.

Harry never regretted the choices he made, he knew he would be miserable with Taylor knowing that Oli was just around the corner. So he broke up with her on the day they were set to travel to the Caribbean. It was very harsh on her so it’s understandable she wouldn’t take it nicely.

Now, Oli and Frank have to perform on the Victoria Secret Fashion Show right after Taylor. It’s an honor, Olivia will introduce two Brazilian models wearing a special bra thing, she’s gonna be wearing a beautiful lingerie piece, but she can’t control her nerves efficiently enough to enjoy the opportunity.

This is the last rehearsal before the big performance, they mark the steps along with the sound check and the last costume fitting all at the same time. Frank’s standing around with his guitar waiting for the production’s queue to dismount while Oli leans over Nadine’s phone to watch a short news outlet on Twitter hyping the show tomorrow.

“... but the supermodels are not the highlight of the show, instead is someone who won’t even walk the stage: Harry Styles is the talk of the town as tomorrow both his ex and his current girlfriend will take the stage one after the other. Who do you think will deliver the best performance? Comment down below and don’t forget to subscribe-“

“This is bullshit” Oli shakes her shoulder trying to seem unfazed but secretly crumbling in anxiety.

“Total bullshit, I’m sorry you had to watch this-“ Nadine revolts.

“No, it’s fine, I’m just gonna get my stuff-“

“Hey, do they have extra wings?” Frank asks from the other end of the stage.

“I don’t think so, why?”

“I was dying to wear wings” he grunts and Oli rolls her eyes.

“You can wear mine after I walk the stage” Candice winks at him teasingly.

“Frank, we have bigger fish to fry” she walks up to him, leaving the girls to themselves. “We should call this off”

“Wha-Why?!”

“Because it’s drawing too much negative attention, I don’t need that at this point” she fiddles with her fingers, desperate for a cigarette.

“Oli, this is huge for the us, we can’t bail out”

“Frankie, please”

“No bug, I’m sorry” he pats her shoulder and walks away. From the corner of her eye she notices someone familiar approaching.

“Hey there, crazy!” Zayn nods.

“Holy shit, what are you doing here?” she jumps down the stage and lands in his hug. Apart from Harry, Zayn is the only 1D member she’s got to befriend. Nothing against the other boys, they all speak to each other, but he’s her actual friend. Doesn’t hurt that she got to work a lot with his girlfriend’s band recently.

“Harry told me you’d be here, I thought I’d give you a ride”

“Perfect! Let me get my things-“

“What about Frank?”

“He’ll find a place to sleep tonight” she chuckles.

Since the show’s in London, she at least gets the comfort of staying at Harry’s place. Although they share a nice flat in New York, he needs a place in London due to the label and also to see his family. To ease their expenses, he bought a smaller place that she hasn't seen yet. Harry feels quite lonely in it, and having the expectation of her visit did nothing for his internal peace.

On the way there, she and Zayn share a couple smokes and make small talk, planning a few tattoos while she’s in town. Soon enough they arrive and there he is, waiting to open her door for her.

“Hey love” he smiles, pulling her out of the car and into his loving embrace. At the very sight of him a huge weight is lifted from her shoulders. “Thanks mate, appreciate it”

“No worry, we’ll catch up later, eh?”

“I’ll text you, bye Zayn!”

As he drives down the lane, Harry walks with an arm around her waist up to the flat where her things are already in place. With that out of the way, they head straight to the shower.

He presses her naked body against the wall, her wet chest against his as their lips clash in a sensuous patient kiss. His small pecks fall to her jaw and down her neck as his wet hair tickles her, distracting her from the pleasure he’s giving.

“Haz?”

“Hm?” he hums in her sweet spot.

“Do you think I should do the gig?”

Harry stops kissing her, bringing his gaze back to her and sighing worriedly. “What could possibly make you not do it?”

“Everyone keeps speculating about the performance, they keep comparing me to Taylor and I’m just...” she cracks, hiding her face on his wet neck. Harry strokes the back of her head and shushes her tenderly, trying to get a glimpse of her.

“If you don’t wanna do it, don’t do it love. You can tell everyone you’re feeling sick and just stay here with me”

“Yeah, but it would be amazing for Frank and I and it’s been really amazing to meet all the models and spending some time with Nadine...”

“Nadine’s great”

“She’s the fucking best” he relaxes at the sight of her smile.

“Whatever you wanna do, I’ll have your back, alright?” she nods and he leans in to kiss her playfully.

They dry up and head to the bed, exhausted. Before she arrived, he was craving for her, desperately. He would remember their times together and twitch in his pants at the thought of it, always keeping in mind that she was x days away from coming home and putting away his misery. But having her in his arms so fragile, so unprepared, it felt wrong and he had to stop. What he feels for her is not only physical and he can’t let her emotional needs unattended.

Oli falls asleep curled up to his side, one of her legs straddled around his waist, breathing calmly on his chest. He takes a little longer to doze off just watching her peaceful sleep, the lovely way her parted lips blow against his shirt and her eyelids twitch while she’s having a dream. Her hair is wrapped in a light pink silk sheet, soaked in coconut oil, and he can’t resist burying his nose on it and taking in the sweet scent. He loves her so much it burns, and seeing her anguish feels like walking with a knife craved in his heart, he wishes he could make it all go away... so he tries something stupid.

At approximately 2:00am, he calls Frank.

“Aren’t you calling a bit late?” he growls on the other end of the line.

“Hey, I’m sorry, there’s just something that’s not letting me sleep”

“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?”

“Probably can, I just wanted to clear my head about this” he excuses, feeling like he’s already drawing towards the unwanted results with this call. “You and Oli have to perform tomorrow at all costs?”

“Look man... I know she’s stressed out, all that bad press is getting under her skin but after we ditched Fiona and Gina we haven't been selling, at all, and we need the show if we want to stay signed for another year”

“Yeah, but aren’t you scared she’ll just... lose it?”

“I am, I still feel guilty about her breakdown... but that’s the job, she loves it, the good and the bad. Trust me, she’ll be amazing tomorrow, you won’t tell the difference between her and an angel”

“I bet I won’t... night, Frank” he hangs up. Frank is a level-headed guy, he must have thought this through already and taken the most logical conclusion but deep down it doesn’t feel right. Anyways, Harry quits his crusade to spare her and returns to the bedroom, settling in her arms again.

But their domestic bliss is cut short by the day’s schedule. At 11:00am sharp she’s already getting her nails done and her braids fixed at Harry’s while he chats with everyone who’s busy. However, he notices Olivia is dead silent – which is very unusual.

“Guys” he calls after the nails and hair are done, “can I steal her for a second?”

“Sure... don’t mess her up!”

“I promise” he leads them to the door and shuts it, turning to where she has her head hidden behind her knees. “Love, please don’t let it get in your head”

“Too bad” she leans on her freshly manicured hands and he can see tears on the corner of her eyes.

That’s the last drop. “Hey, look at me” he tips her chin so she looks at him reluctantly. “You can both do great, it’s not a race, no matter what the bloody papers say”

“I know”

“Do you?”

She sighs, dropping her head on his palm. “No”

“Then you have to believe me, just do your best” he soothes, stroking her hair, “and if you can’t, your 50% is already bloody incredible-“

“Haz! Shut up” she laughs sadly, wiping the little droplets from her eyelids. To have her at least smiling is enough.

“I love you, alright?” she nods, “Trust me on this one, you’ll be fucking amazing”

They both get pampered and ready to the red carpet, as usual arriving in grand fashion. He leaves the car first then opens the door to help her out, making a huge scene as she gets up on her heels and throws her thin Havana twists out of her face gently, which is quite a spectacle to the paparazzi. Once she feels the luxurious climate, her attitude shifts and she immediately grows more confident. She welcomes Harry’s arm around her waist and supports her wrist on his shoulder, staring at the cameras with a focused glance. He can feel it, her posture changes, she looks powerful, he can’t hide his gobsmacked grin at showing the world how intimidating and formidable is the woman who literally owns his heart and soul.

Once the photographs are over, they walk to the dressing room together.

“Mr. Styles, you can’t go in” a producer holds him back.

Olivia frowns at her. “What?”

“This area is just for performers and models, you can’t go in”

“Can’t he come to my dressing room?”

“I’m sorry, it’s not allowed-“

“It’s ok” he interrupts, knowing pretty well it’s what he set up to surprise her later on. When she steps back, he takes Oli by the hand and hugs her tightly, pulling her close enough so he can whisper in her ear. “No matter how many people step on that stage tonight, you’re the only one I see, alright?”

She smirks. “You better...”

“You’re the sexiest, most talented person I know, you’re gonna be amazing”

“I hope so” she leans into him, cupping his cheek in a passionate kiss that catches him completely off-guard.

“I’ll be on the front row” he says a bit out of breath before letting her go.

Once she turns towards her dressing room, she sees her standing there: tall, slim, fair, blonde, piercing blue eyes following her every step. Not willing to make another scene, she salutes her with two fingers in a friendly gesture, and in reply she smiles politely. Their interaction ends there.

On her dressing room, Frank is already dressing up and strangely giggly.

“Candice is giving me her wings after the first run!” he cheers, making it really hard for the stylist to work on his outfit.

“You’re winning already then” she mocks, pulling her dress straps down and asking for Frank’s help to unzip the rest. She’s not used with the rest of the backup band so she awkwardly slides to one of the changing booths. “Where is Morgan? The show’s about to start”

While she waits for their agent, she quickly puts on the black combo of hot pants, torn t-shirt, up the knee boots and a boa. At some point she hears something above the noise of the backup band tuning their instruments and everyone shuts up.

The show starts.

Taylor is the first one to perform, walking down the catwalk with some of the biggest models in the industry. They run to the side stage to watch them but the producers don’t let anyone get on the way of the running models, so she has to watch on the TV’s spread across the backstage. Taylor’s presentation is straight up perfect, she moves like fucking royalty and interacts naturally with all the models – she looks so good she might as well be mistaken for one. Oli’s legs begin to shake as the song hits the second chorus.

Fortunately, there are two other performers watching, and they come to greet her.

“Hey Oli” Andrew is the first, thank god for a familiar face. They used to hang out after rehearsals, he’s a giant dork who’s also not used to fame. Also, his poems make her cry all the time.

“Andy! I’m passing out!”

“Wow, hang on” he holds her by the shoulders.

“I can’t follow up, everyone’s talking about it-“

“Hey, what you’re talking about? You rehearsed this, you’re gonna walk down that stage and be fucking incredible” he talks her down in that convoluted Irish accent of his.

From the front row, Harry nervously watches top models in tiny clothes pass one after the other, trying to focus on anything else but Taylor on that moment. Every line she sings feels like she’s spitting on him. A show that lasts minutes feels like hours, and when it finally ends it’s time for Olivia.

“Holy shit” she breaths out raggedly.

“Do you want some water?” Ariana asks.

“Where’s Frank?” Oli pleads, seeing black dots on her peripheral vision.

Frank, who had been talking to some of the models, promptly excuses himself. “You ok?” she barely hears through her thumping ears.

“I’m having a panic attack...”

“Hey, let me handle this” she hears her voice distantly, as if she’s drowning on her heartbeat. “Come with me” Taylor helps her up and takes her to one of the bathrooms, just the two of them.

She pulls her hair out of her face and shoves it over one shoulder, helping her lean over the sink in case she feels like throwing up. She then wets her hand and throws some cold water on the back of her neck.

“Breath in, hold, then breath out, just like me” she insists. Olivia closes her eyes, breathes in, holds, then breathes out, time and time again until she can grasp her surroundings. Slowly, the thumping on her ears recedes and she can actually feel herself again. “Better?”

“Yeah...”, she takes one last deep breath, “thank you”

“Don’t worry, I’ve been there” she dries her hand on a paper towel.

Oli sighs heavily, “I don’t know if I can pull this off”

“Of course you can” Taylor counters, “Just think: you’ll be on stage with your brother, singing a song you already sang a hundred times, your fans will love it, the models will love it... and Harry’s on the front row, he’ll love it anyway”

She hesitates before starting, “I’m sorry about what happened between you”

“Don’t... I’m actually glad it’s over” Taylor looks down and nods her head, trying to figure out her next words. “Sure, I didn’t like the way it ended but I was just so anxious around him, I feel like I can breath now, it’s so funny... when I was with him I was always so nervous, afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, like you were just then” she points to the door, “but you’re... effortless together. I wish I had something like that in my life”

“Hey” she looks up at her, “these things just... happen, I can’t explain it. Just do your thing and wait for someone to show up who happens to like you just like this. It might take a while but it’s worth it”

Taylor smiles, pulling her in for a tight hug. Olivia relaxes on her shoulder, welcoming all the energy she lets out. “I think you should go out there and rock that stage” she whispers encouragingly. “It doesn’t matter what people will say tomorrow, we know what’s up, they never will”

Olivia nods, taking a bit of distance. “Thank you so much” she squeezes Taylor’s hands.

“You’re welcome... now let’s go”

The show-runner asks for the audience to be patient as they’re having a few technical difficulties and Harry is this close to invading the backstage and checking on Oli. His knee bops up and down frantically, looking at Liam beside him for guidance. At the first sign of applause, his eyes shoot up at the stage and there she is. Frank’s guitar riff fills the room as they walk in, him leading the way with his tall angel wings, sunglasses and skirt, his guitar wailing as if calling for Olivia to join. Then she does, parading to the beat until she reaches Frank.

“How’re you feeling tonight?!” she calls before getting her queue.

He couldn’t look away even if his eyes were gauged off. His breathing increases, his body responding to the feast upon the stage. Two Brazilian models pass in front of her, he doesn’t look away. The entire cast of the show walks up but still, he doesn’t look away. The way her vocals reach all the way to the back of the venue makes the hairs on the back of his neck rise. She looks so powerful yet so ingenue, as if the way her hips swing is completely pure.

But there’s nothing pure about her. The way she dances with Frank’s guitar solo, the way she smiles and bops with the models, how her braids barely cover her bare ass cheeks, it’s too much. All he can think about is ripping that lingerie with his teeth and let her encircle him with that boa, he wants to be at her mercy.

At some point, their gazes meet and he feels a bit love drunk, lost in her beauty. She walks to the edge of the stage closest to him and blows him a kiss and he catches it in the air, keeping it on his internal pocket and winking back at her. He wants her to kiss him, he wants her to lose all decorum and just disgrace him right then and there.

But just as it began it ended. As she takes a bow and walks out with one of the models, Harry applauds on his feet. She smiles proudly, holding Frank on a side hug and bowing once again. She did it! It was amazing, sexy, vibrant... and Harry can’t wait to see her, not another ten seconds.

She’s welcomed in the backstage with thunderous applause. After all, she did it! She was super scared but soldiered on and now that’ll live in history as one of her best performances ever. As soon as the clapping dies, she walks up to Taylor and hugs her tightly.

“Thank you for everything” she whispers through a smile.

“You were a-mazing!” Taylor cheers getting some distance between them and then hitching. Oli follows her gaze and finds Harry standing awkwardly in the middle of the commotion.

“Haz? I thought you couldn’t get in”

“Yeah, don’t say it too loud” he mocks, pulling a flower bouquet from behind his back. Olivia chuckles amusedly and runs to his embrace, leaving a very uncomfortable Taylor standing empty-handed.

“You were something else tonight” he whispers to her and hands her the flowers. Sensing the eyes around them, she restricts her displays of affection to a small kiss on his cheek. “How about we skip the after-party and just grab a bite with the band?”

“Sure, I just wanna watch Andy’s then we can go”

“Alright” he nods and his gaze accidentally catches Taylor’s. It would be extremely impolite to ignore her after looking her straight in the eyes so, for education’s sake, he walks up to her. “Ms. Swift”

“Mr. Styles” she replies with the same cocky attitude.

“It’s nice to see you”

“You too” they exchange a kiss in the cheek and part ways. Once Harry’s got his back towards her, Olivia and Taylor exchange a knowing wink.

Before they watch Andrew’s performance, Oli and Harry head to her and Frank’s empty dressing room. As she walks in first to get the flowers on a pot, Harry locks the door behind him and moves to hug her waist. She closes her eyes in delight, feeling his desperate lips already trace her shoulder up to the crook of her neck.

“You looked really fucking sexy in that stage” he mumbles, taking gentle hold of her neck.

“I could tell, you were giving me bedroom eyes from the moment I stepped in” she mocks, stroking the hand that holds her on a choke-hold before turning inside his grasp and kissing him teasingly, making him dangle on the edge of sanity. He presses his parted lips on her but she pulls away slightly, licking a single strip of his bottom lip before bitting it lightly and kissing him back.

“Can’t wait ‘til bedroom love”

“Yeah? What a shame” she pushes him away playfully, “I’m not doing anything here with a zillion people outside”

“Fuck’s sake” he dramatically flops down into the sofa, “you’re killing me, honestly”

“Dead men can’t talk!” she replies, changing into her party dress and overcoat.

Harry keeps groaning on the sofa, calling out for her until she’s ready. She leans over the back of the sofa and hugs his shoulders, he holds on to her arms for reassurance. Looking down, she notices he’s a bit too excited to go out in public, so she has an epiphany...

“... you got that James Dean daydream look in you eyes” she sings.

“Oh, fuck you-“

“And I’ve got that red lip classic thing that you like”

“Oli, don’t” he whimpers through a struggled laugh.

“We never go out of Style... es” with that one improv, he loses it, laughing his life away. She pecks his sweet cheeks over and over, leaving several dark-brown stains on his fair skin. “Come on, you’re good to go”

“Thanks, angel”

She narrows her eyes, hand hovering over the lock before grinning arrogantly, “I like that”

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sporesgalaxy · 5 years

Text

You know what? Fuck it. Here's the whole ass WIP script for the Danny Phantom/Ben 10/Deadpool crossover nightmare, which is called #follow ur crossover dreams, by the way. I think copy-pasting on my phone is gonna delete some italics but whatever.

Reminder that it's still a really early draft with a lot I plan on changing (wade Motormouth wilson doesnt say nearly enough bullshit, for starters), but hopefully u will enjoy it. happy birthday to me, my gift is letting myself share ideas without maximum effort

[BEN is running through a crowd of high school students, excitedly. He is on his phone] BEN: C'mon, Gwen, just tell me where to go! I wanna fight some bad guys today! It's been weeks! [GWEN is on a computer] GWEN: Ben, for the last time, you are NOT going into this alone! We aren't even sure what's causing this yet! Seismic activity at this scale is totally unheard of around here, and whatever's causing it-- BEN: Is gonna get it's butt whooped by the one and only Benn Tennyson! BEN: Don't worry, I can totally handle this! GWEN: Yeah, cause things always work out perfectly when you say that. BEN: Just give me the location, and you can catch up with me there! GWEN: No, Ben. I'll fill you in when we know more, but.until then, don't run off. [BEN is dejectedy watching TV at home, when suddenly, there is another earthquake. Soon after, a newswoman reveals the epicenter just outside of town, and Ben gets an idea] [BEN gets off a public bus at a bus stop far outside of town. He looks out into a dry hilly wilderness, and down to his phone gps to confirm he is going in the right direction.] BEN: all right...I didn't wanna risk timing out before I got there, but I think I'm close enough now... [BEN places his phone gps at his feet, closes his eyes, and slaps the Omnitrix] [BEN transforms into Stinkfly] BEN: Well, I was hoping for XLR8, but I guess I can work with this? [BEN picks up his phonr and flies off] [when he reaches the epicenter BEN finds, embedded into a large hill, an abandoned lab of some sort.] BEN: ooOh [BEN enters the lab, and shortly times out, becoming human again. He sort of tries to sneak, but is clearly too excited/curious to be very effective] [The lab is full of rusting, inscruitable equiptment. Finally, Ben enters a natural cave turned testing area deep inside the lab, a cavernous room machinery littering the floor. There seems to be a fixation on machinery that we would recognize as Danny's parents' portal, but not embedded into a wall, so like a door attatched to a tube. Spare parts and dissasembled prototypes rest along the edges of the room, and a few assembled peices rest towards one end.] [Ben stands on the far south end of the cave, looking around at all of the strange wiring and such.] BEN: I wonder if this is Plumber tech... [BEN kicks a bundle of cords on the floor, and the sound echoes through the room.] [Then, a stranger sound eminates from somewhere just outside of the cavern. And another, similar, closer sound is accompanied by a visible flash. And then-- in a green streak, DANNY bursts into the air in the cavernous space, and then hits the floor and skids. When he stops, he turns human as he falls unconscious] [BEN has no fucking idea what is going on] BEN: uh...h...HEY. ARE YOU...OKAY? DANNY: ... BEN: HELLO? HELO-O? DP: ya think he's dead? BEN: AUGH!!!! [BEN jumps violently, very surprised by Deadpool's presence, and takes a step back] BEN: Who the heck are you?! DP: Call me Deadpool! [BEN gives him a look of utter disbelief. That is the stupidest superhero name he's ever heard. He's about to say that, but then,] DANNY: [groans] DP: [hops down. Puts a hand out, signalling for Ben to stay] Stay here, kid. [Ben is offended to be belittled even if it's reasonable. He stands with an angry look on his face for a moment before following just a few steps behind deadpool, hand at the ready above his watch.] [DP veeery cautiosly walks over to Danny and then....abruptly switches gears, standing up straight and gently bumping the boy's shoulder with his foot] DP: hey. hey. get up. DANNY: five more minutess.... DP: ...7Your mom made pancakes? [DANNY's eyebrows furrow. He groans again. He props himself up, and rubs his head. He's covered in dirt and some blood. He opens his eyes and his expression is full of exhaustion and dread as he processes his unfamiliar surroundings. He looks up at Deadpool] DANNY: ...........I don't smell any pancakes. [DEADPOOL and DANNY stare at eachother for a moment. DANNY seems to be waiting for something. He suddenly looks at BEN, incredulous] DANNY: So are either of you going to attack me, or are we having a staring contest? BEN: I dunno, are YOU going to attack? [DANNY is so tired. He's had a long day] DANNY: I'd prefer not to, but it tends to happen a lot. DP: Well that's depressing! BEN: Well if none of us are fighting, I have a question. BEN: Where'd you two come from? DANNY: Ghost portal. DP: Time travel. BEN: ... BEN: You're not giving me much to work with, here. [BEN points to DANNY] BEN: Especially you. I get time travel, I can live with that-- DP: Thank god. BEN: --But, "ghost portal?" Like a portal for ghosts? Are you dead?? [DP slowly prods Danny with his foot again. Danny is too busy suddenly realizing that he's in human form to be concerned with that] DANNY: I--uh-- BEN: Was that what was up with the green energy? DANNY: Maybe I just went through the ghost portal, ok? I--where are we? BEN: Somewhere on the outskirts of Bellwood, Nevada. DANNY: Nevada? BEN: Nevada DANNY: Huh. DANNY: And why are you here? BEN: [excited to sound smart] There was some unnatural seismic activity around here, and I came to check it out, see if it was anything nefarious. BEN: [cocky] You know, usual superhero stuff. [Danny is a little shocked. He's never really met another superhero before, who wasn't a clone, or accusing Danny of being evil or something] DANNY: oh. BEN: What? DANNY: You're...you're really a superhero? DP: You're like 12 is that safe? [What is the deal with all these young superheroes but say it funnier] BEN: I'm 16!!! DP: Children trying to be superheroes never works out well, trust me kid. BEN: I'm not a child!! Why do you care, huh? DP: Cause I hang out with a lot of superheroes and the heroism business has never done anyone's mental health ANY favors. [DANNY puts his hed in his hands] DANNY: Ugh, tell me about it. BEN: Ha! You AREN'T a normal kid! DANNY: oops. BEN: What can you do?? Do you have GHOST POWERS? [DANNY bites his lip] DANNY: What about you? Do you have powers? BEN: I can turn into any of hundreds of aliens! DANNY: ...care to show me? [BEN looks at the Omnitrix. It's still timed out] BEN: ...in theory... [Danny raises an eyebrow] [meanwhile, Deadpool loses interest. He starts climbing on stuff, looking at the scattered tech.] BEN: Uhhh...can it wait a minute? I just flew here. DANNY: What?? BEN: [gestures to watch, grinning sheepishly] Alien tech! BEN: I swear I'll show you later. What about you! Show me yours! [Deadpool arches an eyebrow at them in the distance] DANNY: ...I guess, since you already guessed it... BEN: What are you so worried about? Ha, haven't you ever met another superhero before? [Ben was sort of kidding, but...] DANNY: BEN: DANNY: Uh, no. Not really. BEN: ...So do you fight bad guys all on your own? DANNY: Uh, yeah? I'm kinda the only person who can. [Reconsiders, and adds with bitterness] Well, the only one who can and will. [Ben thinks about that for a second. He knows how it feels to think you're the only person who can save the world, but Ben is usually wrong when he assumes that's the case. He doesn't like imagining how he'd feel without all the support he's gotten in his hero-ing career. He's genuinely concerned for Danny.] [Danny notices the concern in Ben's expression. Ben seems to be about to say something, but Danny suddenly feels insecure about being pitied. He finally stands up, brushing himself off] DANNY: But like, I have friends, and plenty of tech they can use to help me out. I'm just the only...I guess I'm the only superpowered person willing to deal with fighting ghosts all the time, okay? Whatever! I've been at it for 2 years, I'm used to it. [Ben then adds something together in his head] BEN: Wait, have you never heard of me? Ben 10? DP: Wow! Humble! BEN: No, seriously! Never? Have you ever seen any aliens? DANNY: Uh, no? BEN: Where are you from? DANNY: Colorado. BEN: I've saved the world, like, several times. [DANNY and DP raise an eyebrow each] BEN: Publicly!! People know about me! I'm a big deal!! This is--You guys aren't from here. I need to take you to the Plumbers, so we can-- [A portal powers up again. DANNY seems to suddenly remember something. He goes stiff] DANNY: Oh no. BEN: What? Is that the Ghost Portal? DANNY: Yeah. And you're about to meet the guy who punched me through it. [DP rejoins them to look at the threat] DP: Oh, now that you two have your shit figured out, I should mention I'm from another universe. BEN: WHAT! You said time travel! DP: Yeah, time travel gone horribly, horribly wrong. BEN: How??? I've time travelled a few times and never seen anyine mess it up that bad. DANNY: Yeah since when does time travel take you to other universes? DP: OH SO WE'RE ALL TIME TRAVEL EXPERTS HERE ARE WE??? I'm not telling you two how to live YOUR lives! DP: How about I start bragging about being a superhero expert! Neither of you even know what an X-man *IS!* BEN: Like from the comics? [DP looks at Ben. He won't say it out loud but his expression says "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE"] [BEN shrugs]

[time to get DISJOINTED!!! Here's 2 comic transcripts]

...[some fighting I havent written yet]...

DP: DANNY WHY IS YOUR GHOST DAD SO HOT?? DANNY: HE'S NOT MY DAD. PLEASE DON'T CALL HIM THAT, IT'S A WHOLE *THING* WITH HIM-- [VLAD beams] VLAD: Now, Daniel, is that any way to speak to your father?? DANNY: SEE?! Now he'll never shut up about it! VLAD: I've had enough of your sass, young man! You're GROUNDED. [VLAD spikes Danny into the ground HARD.] [DP is pissed off now. He reaches for his katanas.] DP: Ok I get the picture.

...[more unwritten fighting]...

VLAD: Well, now that I have your undivided attention-- [DANNY has just been punched into the ground. He's sitting up, now] DANNY: --You can start the evil monologue. Joy. VLAD: Evil is such a reductive word. Don't you ever get tired of being beaten half to death to protect people that couldn't care less if you lived or died? [DANNY stands up, with some difficulty] DANNY: You *would* think having a conscience is exhausting. [VLAD is taking a lazy step towards Danny every few moments] VLAD: ...Have you noticed where we are, Daniel? VLAD: Because it isn't Amity Park. It's not even in the same universe as Amity Park. VLAD: And it's not anywhere your idiot father will ever bother finding, seeing as it has nothing whatsoever to do with ghosts. [VLAD is standing over Danny, now] VLAD: Do you know what that means, my boy? VLAD: Nothing I do here can spoil my reputation. VLAD: And none of your little friends are coming to save you. [VLAD places a hand on Danny's shoulder, gripping too tight] VLAD: So VLAD: I'm going to make you the same offer I made you the night of the reunion VLAD: One. Last. Time. VLAD: Either abandon Jack and let me teach you how to really use your powers, [VLAD summons some ghostly energy between his hand and Danny's shoulder] VLAD: Or force me to make poor, dear Maddie file a missing person's report that will never be resolved.

[wow direct segue into comic!]

..[just a tad more unwritten fighting]...

[Vlad has Ben by the neck very far up in the air, and Ben is frantically pressing his Omnitrix] VLAD: [cackles] Goodness, I think your powers might be even more tempermental than Daniel's! It's a little sad, honestly. I was looking forward to a real challenge for once. DP: [on the ground, a distance away] Superpowers shmuperpowers [cocks gun, and fires a couple of shots at Vlad] [Vlad was watching DP talk, unimpressed. He becomes intangible, clearly no longer interested in Ben, allowing him to plummet to his death] [After becoming tangible again, and without breaking eye contact, in a flash of pink energy, Vlad is right in front of Deadpool, and violently pins him to a wall] DP: AWH, you can teleport?! That's not even fair!! VLAD: [close to Deadpools face, crushing his neck harder] No. It isn't. And that's just how I like it. DP: [choking] [thinking] don't say harder daddy don't say harder daddy don't say harder daddy [cut to Ben falling through the air, desperately, repeatedly smacking the Omnitrix] BEN: PLEASE WORK PLEASE WORK PL-- [Danny swoops in and catches him] BEN: [clinging to Danny, obviously spooked but trying to be cool] Thanks! DANNY: [amused] Don't mention it. [Danny puts Ben down on the ground] BEN: Um..where are your legs? DANNY: Oh, they uh...they just do that sometimes. DANNY: Is something wrong with your watch? BEN: [glares at the Omnitrix] It just does this, sometimes. [Danny sees something coming] DANNY: Well you'd better fix it fast! [Ben looks up just as Danny turns them both intangible, seconds before Deadpool is sent hurtling through them and into the ground] [BEN is grinning, watching his hands as they turn re-tangible] BEN: That is SO COOL! I've only ever gotten to do that to myself! Y'know, as an alien! [DANNY was looking at DP's crater, but turns to BEN, surprised at the genuine enthusiasm] DANNY: [maybe blushing a little?] Uh, thanks! [BEN grins at him, and Danny smiles back. They're cute.] [Deadpool's hand pops out of the crater, waving (flailing)...reassuringly?] DP: Don't worry about me, all he did was break [groans] most of my bones. [Danny grabs Ben and pulls him out of the way before Vlad fires an energy blast at Deadpool] VLAD: Still think you can manage without superpowers? [DP sits up painfully and slowly, and coughs] DP: Ac-- [Vlad hits him with a copious amount of energy blasts for an unnecessarily long time as he slowly lowers to the ground] [When Vlad lands and stops firing, he turns around to face Danny and Ben] VLAD: Where were we, Daniel? [Danny is horrified. He's gripping a fistful of Ben's shirt like his life depends on it, expecting to have to save him a third time. Ben is a bit shaken but still determined, and holds his hand at the ready over the Omnitrix] VLAD: ...That was rhetorical, my boy. I had just asked you a very simple question. VLAD: [turning his gaze to Ben] And I don't want to repeat myself. [Ben is not quite picking up on Vlad's thinly veiled threat. Danny, bug-eyed, follows Vlad's gaze to Ben, and is clearly absolutely terrified to be responsible for the deaths of two people he just met. Danny tightens his grip on Ben's shirt.] DANNY: ...I-- [a gunshot hits Vlad from behind. Vlad is completely shocked] [behind him, DEADPOOL is sitting up in the crater, charred to all hell but somehow still alive. He appears to only have one (barely) functioning arm left, which is holding the smoking gun] DP: I never said I didn't have any superpowers, jackass. [DP narrows his eyes] DP: I just like guns. [DP tries to shoot VLAD a few more times, but VLAD has turned intangible, and flies to a safer distance] Vlads gonna say some shit and run off Im not done yet but hoo boy. Oh man.

#void screaming #follow ur crossover dreams

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hymn2000 · 5 years

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Chiquitita - MCU AU fanfic - C25

Story summary: Something strange is happening. Someone from space has made their way to Earth, armed with a strange weapon. Targeting teenagers, their ray gun, when fired, turns the victim into a toddler. The Avengers set out to stop this, and find a way to reverse the effects. However, they don’t all come out of the battle unscathed.

Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: de-aging, family stuff, corporal punishment (early chapters only), mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff

Chapter 25 - There Is No Way You Can Deny It

Tony immediately rang the Avengers to tell them the news. He couldn’t keep it to himself. He rambled down the phone, and there were plenty of shouts and sighs of relief.

Tony sat back heavily after the last phone call. He looked at Loki.

“Steve and Nat are coming round. They’re not gonna be long”

“Right” Loki said.

“They want to support us. Oh my god, my hearts pounding!” Tony breathed out. “I need to breathe. Oh god, it’s happening! We’re gonna get our little boy back!!”

Loki stood up and lifted Peter into his arms. “Do you want another drink, chick?”

“I wanna hot chocolate!” Peter said. “Can I have a hot chocolate?”

“Ok. Come on; let’s get you sorted”

Tony waited a few minutes, and then went out to the kitchen. Loki was sat at the breakfast bar with Peter on his lap, supporting the mug of hot chocolate so Peter could drink without spilling it all over himself.

“Loki?” Tony sat down on the other side of the breakfast bar. “Talk to me?”

“I’ve got nothing to say”

“You haven’t said a word since Thor rang. Look, this is a good thing! Peter never should have been turned into a toddler. It’s all a weird situation, and we always knew it wouldn’t be forever. We both knew they’d sort a reversal. Now the reversal is ready, we can get Peter back to normal, and then we can get back to normal. We can move on”

“What exactly do we have to move on from? He’s our son regardless of what happened. He’s our happy, healthy toddler. He’s got a good life. He hasn’t known the struggles teenager Peter has, and-”

“Hey, don’t you dare! We’ve been through this all before. Just because he had some bad stuff happen to him, doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve his old life back. He’s happy in his regular teenage life, despite everything. What’s to say that he won’t go through bad stuff as a toddler, anyway?” he shook his head. “We’re not discussing this. Thor is gonna come round, we’re gonna get Peter back to normal, and then we’re gonna carry on with the rest of our lives”

Loki wasn’t happy when Steve and Natasha showed up. He let them play with Peter, but he stayed close by, watching carefully.

“What time is Thor getting here?” Nat asked after a while, sitting back on one of the sofas.

“He just said this evening” Tony said, tapping his foot. “I hope it’s soon; I’m starting to feel restless”

“I can tell” Steve said, ruffling Peter’s hair and joining Nat on the sofa. “It feels like it’s been forever. It’s going to feel a little strange having regular Peter back”

Peter looked at him, brows furrowed, and then went back to his little game of shop.

“Do you think he’s gonna remember all this?” Nat asked.

Tony shook his head slightly. “I don’t know. Maybe. I guess we’ll find out soon”

Nat looked at Loki. “What do you think?”

Loki merely glared at her. Tony didn’t notice. He checked his watch. He checked his phone. He looked at the clock.

“He’s gotta be here soon” he said. “Should we prepare something? Like, I don’t know, is there something we should do?”

“Just breathe, Tony” Steve said. “There’s nothing you need to sort out. Thor will be here. Just stay calm. For Peter’s sake”

Tony knelt down on the floor. Peter grinned at him, handing him a small plastic shopping basket.

“You need to go shopping!” he said. “There’s the food, an’ then I’ll do the clicky thing!”

Tony smiled, obediently filling his basket and then setting it down at Peter’s plastic till.

“Thank you!” Peter said. “I’m gonna click them all now”

Peter set to work ‘scanning’ all of the plastic food items with the bar code scanner from the toy till. Tony stroked his hair gently.

“I think I’m gonna miss this bit” he said. “All his little games. He’s a really cute little toddler”

“He’s a cute teenager too” Steve said. “You’ll still have the memories”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m looking forward to hugging my boy again. My son... back the way he should be”

Peter finished ‘scanning’ Tony’s shopping, and then held out his hand.

“Twelve”

“Oh, I see” Tony said, hunting around for some plastic money. He found a ten dollar note and a couple of dollar coins, and handed them to Peter. “That should all be in order”

Peter looked at the toy money, and then opened his till and put the money in the drawer.

“Good. Thank you, come again!”

Tony smiled and ruffled his hair. The doorbell sounded, followed by the sound of the front door opening, and Tony gasped silently. He jumped to his feet but stayed still, waiting, his heart pounding. Soon Thor came into the room, and Tony ran and threw his arms round him.

“It’s good to see you too” Thor said, hugging him back. “...Are you crying?”

“Just a little bit” Tony admitted, burying his face in Thor’s shoulder. “It’s been so long. I can’t believe I’m finally gonna get my boy back”

Thor squeezed him tight. “Let’s get this done”

Tony nodded and took a deep breath. “Ok”

Thor let go of him and nodded at everyone. “Hello. I didn’t expect you two to be here”

“We wanted to come” Steve said.

“Loki?” Thor sat down next to his brother. “Loki, look at me”

Loki did.

“I know that look. What’s going on?”

Loki didn’t say anything.

“Brother. Talk to me”

“There’s nothing to talk about”

Thor sighed and kissed him on the cheek. “Ok”

He stood up again, clearing his throat.

“Hi, Uncle Thor!” Peter shouted, rushing over to him and holding his arms up for a cuddle.

“Hi, Nephew Peter!” Thor grinned, lifting him up over his head, making him squeal. “Hello, little one! How are you doing?”

“I’ve been swimming and to the park and to the swings and we’ve played lots of games! And daddy bought me ice cream and mumma came to visit and we went out to eat and then we went to this place with rockets and we went to this place with dinosaurs and mumma got me a dinosaur! It shouts and roars when you cuddle it too tight!”

“Sounds like you’ve been having a great time!” Thor grinned, holding the boy on his hip. “Are you happy?”

“Yep!” Peter grinned, cuddling against him. “Uncle Steve and Aunt Nat are here! We’ve been playing shop!”

“So I see”

Thor looked at Tony, who was watching him expectantly.

“It’s in my bag” he said.

Thor reached into his shoulder bag and brought out a ray gun very similar to Kindsprengen’s de-ageing gun, only it was red instead of purple. Everyone took a breath, and Loki looked up. Thor raised the gun. Peter spotted it. His eyes widened, and he shrieked in terror and started struggling.

“Hey, Peter, it’s ok!” Tony said. “Shh, you’re ok!”

Peter continued to shriek and managed to struggle free, dropping to the floor quite heavily.

“Peter, it’s ok” Thor tried. “I’m not gonna hurt you”

“You’ve got a gun!” Peter howled, backing away from him, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Thor, just pull the trigger, get it over with!” Tony said desperately.

Thor pointed the gun at Peter, who shrieked and sobbed, trembling with fear. Thor took a deep breath and-

“STOP THIS, YOU’RE SCARING HIM!” Loki shouted, jumping in and scooping Peter up from the floor. “Stop waving that bloody thing around! Back off!”

Loki cradled Peter close against his chest, holding him protectively. Peter shrieked a little more and then clung to Loki’s shirt, burying his face in his shoulder.

“Shh, darling. I’ve got you. You’re safe with me” Loki said. “I’ve got you. It’s ok, I’m here”

“He’ll only be scared for a minute! Loki, you need to let Thor do this!” Tony said.

“No!” Loki snapped. “Leave him alone! He doesn’t need you scaring him half to death! What’s wrong with you?! How could you stand by and listen to him scream and cry like that?!”

“Loki, I just-”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses!” Loki picked up Peter’s rocket and handed it to him. “This isn’t necessary. How do we even know it’s safe?”

“It’s been tested extensively on Asgard” Thor said. “It works”

“I’m not taking any chances. Put that bloody gun away!” Loki snapped. “You’re scaring my son”

Thor reluctantly put the ray gun back in his bag. “We need to turn Peter back to normal”

“Absolutely not” Loki said. “I’m not letting you use my little boy as a guinea pig”

Tony laughed nervously, grabbing Loki’s arm. “You can’t stop this. He needs to get his life back! Put him down”

“No! He’s fine the way he is! He’s happy, he’s healthy, he’s got a good life. Take that bloody gun, and get out of our house, Thor” Loki hissed. He shushed Peter, kissing his forehead. “Go and test your little reversal gun on those other kids who got hit with Kindsprengen’s gun, if you must. I won’t stop you from doing that. But you can keep that thing away from my son”

There was a brief silence.

“Now hold on a minute” Nat said. “This isn’t a decision you can make on your own”

“Let’s think about this properly” Steve said. “Putting Peter back to normal was always a priority. Putting all of Kindsprengen’s victims back to normal was always a goal, as soon as we saw what was going on. Peter has a life to get back to. He’s got school, friends, and all the rest of it. We need to put everything to rights”

“This is nothing to do with you!” Loki growled. “Stay away from my son”

“Loki. Loki, please” Tony begged, tears spilling from his eyes. “Please, we need to do this. We need to-”

Loki turned on his heel and stormed out, Peter still whimpering in his arms. Tony went to run after him, but Steve grabbed hold of him.

“Leave him. You can’t start a fight, not in front of the child”

Tony pulled his arm away and sank down on the nearest sofa. Nat got up and sat down beside him.

“Loki’s headstrong. I think he needs a bit of time to get used to the idea”

“It’s not an idea to get used to! He’s known from the start! He knew as soon as this happened that he wasn’t gonna be a toddler forever!” Tony said. “We need to turn my toddler back into my teenager. You get that, don’t you?”

“I get it” Nat said. “I think Loki does too. I think he’s worried”

“I do too” Steve said. “This reversal might have been tested on Asgard, but it hasn’t been used on any of the other victims yet”

“I think you’re right” Thor sighed. “We need to give Loki a bit of time”

“How about you go and visit some of the other victims and get them changed back first?” Nat suggested. “Once some of them are teenagers again, maybe Loki will feel a bit better about it”

Tony swallowed, wiping his eyes. “I want my boy back...”

“I think Nat’s idea is the way we need to go” Thor said. “We both know how stubborn Loki is. I love Peter, and I know he needs to be turned back to normal. But Loki isn’t going to let it happen until he feels comfortable. You can’t do it behind his back, because he’d never forgive you”

“I know. I really do...” Tony sighed. “Ok. Get in touch with Banner. He’s got a list of everyone affected, with contact details. Call him... I think I need to call Li Allen”

“Your social worker?” Nat said.

Tony nodded. “Yeah. I think she needs to know what’s going on”

“I think that’s sensible” Steve said.

Thor gave Tony a quick hug. “I’m going to call Banner. I’m going to leave, but first I’m going to say goodbye to Loki”

Loki stood up defensively when Thor came into the kitchen. Peter was sat at the breakfast bar, having his tea. He whimpered a little when he saw Thor.

“Don’t you dare pull that gun” Loki warned. “Leave my son alone”

“I’m here to say goodbye” Thor said. “I’ll be back later. In a few days, maybe. I’m going to see the children Kindsprengen hit and give them back their normal lives. I’ll come back and then we’ll sort this out together”

“I’m not letting you near my son”

“Let me hug him goodbye. I won’t try any tricks, I promise”

“I’d like to see you try” Loki glared at him. “No”

Thor sighed, stepping closer and putting his arms round Loki.

“I’m not your enemy, brother. But you and Tony need to sort this out”

Loki didn’t say anything, but he hugged him back. He knew he meant well.

Tony found Loki later that evening, giving Peter a bath. He leant against the door frame.

“This isn’t right”

Loki froze a moment, but soon continued sluicing the soap out of Peter’s hair.

“I won’t have my son used as a guinea pig”

“Our son, Loki, our son” Tony stepped closer to him. “What’s going through your head, Loki?”

“I only want what’s best for him”

“Giving him his life back is what’s best for him. We’ve been through this!”

Peter looked up at him, his lip quivering. Tony sighed.

“Loki, why don’t you go to bed? I’ll finish up here”

“It’s fine; I can do it” Loki said, scooping Peter out of the bath and wrapping him in a towel.

“Daddy!” Peter protested. “I wanna play!”

“You can play in your bedroom for a bit after you’re dried and dressed” Loki said, lifting him up and sweeping past Tony.

Tony followed him out into the bedroom. “Loki”

“I don’t need your help” Loki said, setting Peter down and starting to towel him dry. “I’m more than capable of looking after him”

“I know that. I’m just... Loki, after what you did this evening, I-”

“Don’t you dare try to turn me into the villain here!” Loki snapped, making Peter jump. He sighed. “Sorry, darling”

“Are you fighting?” Peter asked uncertainly.

“No, we’re not fighting” Loki said, looking at Tony hard.

Tony sighed. “Ok. Are you putting him to bed?”

“Yes”

Tony knelt down. Loki looked at him warily. Tony tried to ignore him.

“Peter, darling? Daddy’s going to put you to bed, so I’m gonna say goodnight to you now”

“Oh” Peter held his arms out to Tony. “Goodnight, daddy!”

Tony hugged him close and kissed him on the cheek. “Goodnight, bambino. See you in the morning”

“See you in the morning!”

Tony gave him a kiss, and let go of him. He stood up, and looked at Loki.

“We’ll talk later”

Peter watched him go. He stayed quiet while Loki towelled him dry and powdered him and dressed him in his rocket pyjamas. Loki kissed him on the nose.

“Now go and brush your teeth, and then you can play a quiet little game before bed”

Peter went and brushed his teeth and then came back into the bedroom. He looked around the room for a moment, and then pulled a jigsaw box down from one of the shelves.

“What have you got there, darling?”

“Puzzle” Peter said, putting the box down and sitting on the rug.

Loki sat down with him, looking at the box. It was a 24 piece beach-themed Peppa Pig puzzle. Peter had done it before, so Loki knew it wasn’t too difficult for him.

“Peter?”

“Hm?”

“Are you ok? I know you had a bit of a fright earlier”

“I’m ok” Peter said, opening the jigsaw box and tipping the pieces onto the rug. “Uncle Thor had a gun”

“I know. How did that make you feel?”

“Scared. Guns hurt people”

“I know, chick. Now, that gun that uncle Thor had wasn’t the dangerous kind with bullets that you’re thinking of. Uncle Thor loves you very much, and he’d never hurt you. And more to the point, I would never let anyone hurt you either. You know that, don’t you? And you understand what I’ve told you?”

“...Uncle Thor wasn’t gonna hurt me” Peter said. “Even though he was scary”

“That’s right. You don’t need to worry, chick. You’re perfectly safe”

“Daddy wouldn’t hurt me”

“No, of course not”

Peter looked at the puzzle pieces, shifting them around. Loki looked at them too.

“Do you remember what I told you the last time we did a puzzle?”

“Edge pieces first” Peter said.

“That’s right. You’ve got the first few already, haven’t you? Clever boy!”

“Uncle Steve and Aunt Nat went home” Peter said, pressing a few puzzle pieces together, his tongue sticking out in concentration. “They went home”

“Yes, they did. I’m sure they’ll visit again if you want them too”

“Uncle Clint?”

“I can ask him to visit” Loki said.

“He gave me cars last time”

“That’s right. Maybe he’ll give you some more presents next time, although I doubt you need them... You’ve got loads of toys”

“I like my toys” Peter said. “I have lots!”

“You do. Have you got a favourite?”

“My rocket!”

“I thought so” Loki said, lining up some puzzle pieces in order. “What are your other favourites?”

“My bath toys! Like the windmill that goes spinny, spinny, spinny, and the duck that quacks!”

“Good choices” Loki nodded. “How about your baby? You like pushing your baby round the park, don’t you?”

“Yep. Daddy, can I tell you a secret?”

Loki leant closer. “Of course. What is it?”

“I don’t like the talking bear daddy got” he said. “It’s scary”

Loki smiled. “I understand. Don’t worry; your secret’s safe with me”

“Shh, settle down now, baby”

“I don’t wanna go to sleep!”

“Now now, darling. The deal was, you could play a quiet game and then you’d go to bed”

“I did a jigsaw!”

“You did! You did it wonderfully” Loki said, laying him back down and tucking him in again. “I love you, darling. You know that, don’t you?”

“I love you too, daddy”

Loki kissed him on the nose. “You’re my little baby. You’re so important. Daddy and I love you more than anything else in the world”

Peter blinked up at him. “Are we going to the park tomorrow?”

“Maybe” Loki tucked Peter’s rocket in beside him. “Are you going to be a good boy and go to sleep now?”

Peter paused. He shook his head, and giggled. Then he nodded and giggled some more.

“What’s your game, chicken?”

“It’s bedtime!” Peter said. “I’ll sleep. But I wanna go to the park tomorrow”

“We’ll see, darling. Now, you’re in your pyjamas, you’re tucked into bed, your nightlight is on, and the main light is off. Now it’s time for you to snuggle down with your rocket, close your little eyes, and go to sleep. Are you going to do that for me?”

Peter yawned and nodded, snuggling down. Loki stroked his hair gently, and Peter slowly closed his eyes, and soon fell fast asleep.

Loki found Tony in the reading nook, flicking through an old photo book. Loki slowly pushed the door closed and went and sat down on the other side of the window seat. They sat there in silence for a minute or two. Loki took a deep breath.

“This takes me back”

Tony was quiet for a few moments. He closed the photo book and set it aside.

“You had no right to stop Thor from turning our son back into a teenager”

“Thor was scaring him” Loki said. “Our little boy was screaming in terror, and you just stood there. There was absolutely no need to cause him that much distress. I couldn’t stand by and watch that happen”

“Loki, he only would’ve been scared for a minute! He’d’ve been zapped back to normal, and then he would’ve stopped being scared! He could’ve got his life back today, and you stopped that from happening! That’s not fair, Loki, it’s not fair!”

“It’s not fair to scare him! Even just for a little bit, it’s just not fair! He’s a baby, Tony! And more to the point, medically, there’s absolutely no reason to change him. Peter is healthy. He doesn’t need you scaring him half to death just to turn him back into some PTSD-ridden teenager with selective mutism and a whole host of other problems. Peter’s happy the way he is. His happiness and well-being has to be our priority! We both want what’s best for him. Why can’t you see that this is what’s best for him?!”

“This isn’t what’s best for him!” Tony snapped. “And don’t shout at me!”

“I wasn’t shouting!”

“You were” Tony said. “And you’re wrong. Keeping him as a toddler isn’t what’s best. He’s our son. I’ve looked after him for so long, since before you even met him. We’ve spent years taking care of him together. We’ve looked after him. We taught him. We basically had a custody agreement with May. We took him in when she’d gone. We did our best. We made mistakes, but we did our best. We’ve looked after him. We’ve rebuilt him, built a life for him. He deserves to have his life back”

“None of that matters!” Loki snapped. “It’s all just history. That’s all it is! We might have done all of that. Ok, we did all of that. We’ve done our best by him. But look at him now! He’s so much better off because of this! He ended up with us by accident, and it worked out ok. He became a toddler by accident, and it’s working out! Not once, in the last four months, have we had to hold an anguished child, powerless to really do anything. We haven’t had to watch our son break down in front of us. We haven’t had the worry of his illnesses. We haven’t had the worry of letting him go on patrol and not knowing if he’s going to come back unscathed. We haven’t had the worry of him messing about with that Malaki and at that bookshop, and all the other stuff that can and has gone wrong. We haven’t had to deal with any of that. You can’t seriously look at our tiny boy, and think that it’s better to send him back to the life his fifteen year old self had. You can’t”

“I do” Tony said, trying hard to stay calm. “We’re sick too, remember? Would we be better off as toddlers?”

Loki didn’t say anything.

“You’ve said all the things we haven’t had to deal with in the last four months. But what about the rest of it?” Tony said. “You know what else we haven’t had? Nights here in the reading nook, comfortable and warm. Nights with him under our arm generally. Swim competitions. His funny jokes and ways. I haven’t had him helping in the lab or just sitting watching me work and telling me about his day. We haven’t had him cooking with us and laughing with us and coming to us when he’s sad or scared or worried. We haven’t had our weekends doing things like go-karting or mini golf or museums. We haven’t had him doing his homework at the breakfast bar, or sat at our feet watching telly, or on his tummy on the living room rug humming to himself and reading. We haven’t had him jumping up and excitedly babbling about his patrols and stuff. We haven’t had the son that we adopted. I love toddler Peter, I really do. I love him more than anything. But I invited the teenager into my heart, into my life, and that’s who I want. I can’t resent little Peter, or hold any of this against him, of course I can’t. But I need big Peter back. He deserves his life back”

“He’s better off as a toddler” Loki said. “That’s what’s best"

“Best for who?” Tony said. “Best for you? It’s not best for Peter”

“What makes you think this reversal gun is even going to work? What makes you so sure it’s safe?”

“Thor said it was tested, that it works. He’s going to give those other kids their lives back. It works, and it’s fine. Just wait and see the news in the morning. Then you’ll see”

“I won’t let my brother or anyone else point that gun at our boy. I just can’t do it. Peter doesn’t need to go through that level of distress. Just leave him alone”

“We can’t leave it this way forever” Tony sighed. “...I called Li Allen. She’s going to visit the day after tomorrow”

Loki nodded.

“Loki? Listen... I don’t agree with you. But I promise I won’t try to go behind your back on this. But I’m not changing my mind” Tony stood up. “You’ll have to change your mind at some point. I think you know, deep down, that you’re on the wrong side of the table. You’ll realise that soon, if you haven’t already. We need to get our lives back on track. We need to get things back to normal, and we have to turn Peter back, to get back to normal. You know that”

“Our family has never been normal”

“Maybe not. But we have our own version of normal. And our version of normal, doesn’t involve a toddler”

#my writing #fanfiction #mcu fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #frostiron #irondad and spiderson

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ijustwant2write · 6 years

Text

Sickly Love-Alex Høgh Andersen x Reader

(GIF credit to @therealcalicali <-- Check out their work, it’s amazing!)

Masterlist

Summary: requesyed by @kaylantus : Awesome! I was wondering if you would do one about Alex? Where you are Marco's younger sister, by like a year, and you have a thing for alex but marco rarley if at all lets you visit the set because you have a very weak imune system so you get sick super easy, nothing terminal. A lot of fluff. Your writing is great by the way 😊😍

Characters: Alex Høgh Andersen x Reader, Marco Ilso x Sister!Reader

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

Warnings: I don’t really know an actual diagnosis for a weak immune system, but I won’t be going into much detail, some swearing too

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“(Y/N), can you help me with my lines? I want to practice again before filming tomorrow.” Marco shouted to me from his room.

“Coming!” I yelled back, snuggling into my hoodie.

He was sat cross legged on his bed, his script laid out in front of him. Sitting opposite him, I picked it up, scanning over the lines that weren’t highlighted.

“Hey, don’t read the whole thing!!” He teased, knowing I was a big fan of the show.

“But it’s so tempting!”

“Do you really want spoilers?”

“Yes. Well, no. But I do. But I don’t.” I battled with myself, ending up laughing alongside my brother, until it turned into coughing.

“You feeling sick again?” Concern was expressed on his face, immediately taking on the older brother role.

I cleared my throat, shaking my head.“No, it’s going away. I’m actually feeling really good.”

“Good.”

“Good enough to maybe come along with you to work? And see my friends again as well as be supportive for my brother?” the pitch of my voice got higher as I spoke, flashing a smile at Marco.

“No, you’re not fully recovered.”

I groaned.“Come on Marco, I miss everyone.”

“No, you miss one person.” he smirked, knowing that this would wind me up; he had overheard me talking (or as he said, ‘obsessing’) about our friend and his co-worker, Alex, as I watched an episode with my friend one night. Ever since then, he assumed I had a crush on him, and I kept on denying it, lying to him and myself.

I scowled.“Would you stop? Look, I’m feeling so much better than usual, and being stuck inside all the time is surely not good for me. Plus, not seeing anyone could be effecting my mental state, which in turn will effect my health, and-”

“OK! OK, I get it. I’ll think about it.”

“Marco, please just say yes. Everyone has been texting and calling, wondering if you’ve locked me up in here.”

“We’ll see how this reading goes, then I’ll give you my answer.”

Later that night as I was getting ready for bed, I heard my phone vibrate, signalling that I had a message. As I picked up my phone, I felt a goofy smile appear on my face once I saw that Alex had text me.

From Alex: Hey stranger :)

He didn’t leave me much to work with. I always felt nervous around him, even though I considered us good friends, especially after all these years working with Marco. I quickly sent back an answer before I thought about it too much.

To Alex: Hi :) I promise I haven’t been ignoring you, just been ill recently :(

Oh no, was that too many emojis? Was I coming off as weird?

From Alex: Are you any better? I miss seeing you round set

He misses me? HE MISSES ME?!

To Alex: I’m actually coming down tomorrow! I’m so excited to see everyone :)

Marco had to let me go now. I couldn’t let Alex down now, could I?

To Alex: And I miss you too of course.

From Alex: Thank god, I don’t think I could stand another day without seeing you.

That text took me by surprise. It was so forward. Did he really mean it? Or was he just teasing? I pretended that he really meant it, knowing he only saw me as his best friend’s sister. Alex was that perfect guy; handsome, funny, talented yet so down to Earth. If you were scrolling through the explore page on Instagram and came across a picture of him, you would instantly think he was a model, and of course follow him. I had to accept that all that I could do was admire from afar, and be a friend.

Making sure I was up early the next day, I did my makeup for the day, before dressing in the outfit I had picked out last night (after a long two hours of debating). As I ate my breakfast, Marco sluggishly walked into the room, his eyes widening as he saw me.

“Why are you up so early?” he asked.

“Because I’m getting ready to go to set with you. You better hurry up, there’s not much time left.” I answered, munching on my cereal.

“I never said you could come.”

“You also didn’t say I couldn’t come.”

He furrowed his eyebrows before shaking his head.“Well, seeing as you’re up and ready, I’ll let you come.”

I smiled at him.“Thanks Marco.”

“Just don’t get in Alex’s way today.”

The smile quickly vanished.“Please don’t tease me in front of him, you know I hate it.”

“I’m your big brother, what else am I supposed to do?”

It was still very early in the morning when we left for set. The sun was only just coming up, I was already tired, and I knew how long this day would be. Nevertheless, being on set was exciting. I loved seeing how things worked behind the scenes, as well as seeing my brother doing what he loved. But there were also nerves, making my stomach feel worse; I hadn’t seen anyone in such a long time after falling ill. I hated that my immune system was weak, it stopped me from socialising, making me feel somewhat lonely at times. Marco was great at looking after me, albeit he sometimes mothered me too much; my weak immune system wouldn’t stop me from living my life.

As I followed Marco to his trailer, I screamed as someone from behind swept me off my feet. Laughing as I was set back down, I turned around to see Alex, both of us grinning as we embraced. He was already in his costume for Ivar, minus the braces on his legs.

“Finally, you’re here! Marco, you need to stop locking up your sister.” Alex said as he threw an arm around my shoulder.

“You know why she can’t come out all the time, I have no choice.” Marco wasn’t always open to people joking about my illness.

“Marco, just relax. Go get ready, I’ll stay with Alex.”

Marco huffed but smiled at us as he went to his trailer. Alex and I held back a laugh before bursting into giggles as he guided me closer to set. Georgia and Ida (Torvi and Margrethe) were up ahead, making me drag Alex towards them. They heard us approaching, only to hug me tightly as they realised that I was visiting today. Being stuck with your older brother was punishment enough, but not seeing your best girlfriends was torturous. Face timing just wasn’t enough, and even when we did, it wouldn’t last long due to my need for rest.

“I didn’t think you would be coming today of all days.” Georgia said.

“What? Why?” I asked, wondering if something important was happening, and that I shouldn’t really be there.

“Because we’re filming a battle scene, up on the hill. It’s going to be freezing, especially since it just rained last night.”

The cold, rain, snow and any other form of awful weather didn’t agree with me. I could easily get colds and coughs lasting for weeks. Stupidly, I hadn’t checked the weather, only bringing a thin coat for protection, though neither had Marco.

“Don’t say a word to Marco. He’ll have me cooped up in his trailer all day!” I begged.

Ida sighed.“But you’ve only just got better.”

“I’ll be fine.”

We were distracted by one of the directors calling everybody to set, calling out instructions to his whole team. I stayed behind everyone, not wanting to risk ruining the day already. Just as I followed on, Alex called to me, taking off his big coat that he usually wore when he wasn’t filming.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He wrapped the coat around me.“Overheard you guys talking about how bad the weather will be. Have this, I’ll just take someone else’s.”

I smiled, holding onto the coat that was huge on me.“Alex, you don’t have to-”

“Yes I do, otherwise I won’t see you for another three weeks. Look, I’ve gotta go, but promise you’ll be there for all my scenes.?”

“Promise.”

He cheekily smiled before joining the rest of the crowd, being set to work with my brother. Slipping my arms into the coat, I chuckled to myself, looking silly as the coat swallowed me, making me looker smaller than I actually was. Forgetting all my thoughts about the weather, I followed my friends, happy to just be outside.

As the day went on, I felt free, free from the confines of my bedroom. Some days I was just pure lazy, who didn’t love staying in bed and binge watching TV? But once you did it for weeks on end, it was like an endless cycle, so being able to go outside and enjoy days like this were wonderful.

There were hundreds of extras lined up either side of the enormous field on top of the hill, the biggest battle in Vikings was about to commence. I sat amongst the directors, watching the acting from the monitors. Seeing all my friends as other people was amazing, I never got over how different they appeared when acting; however, I wasn’t focusing on them for long, feeling the cold creep up on me. I clung on tightly to the coat, beginning to shiver as the wind picked up. No, I had just got better, please don’t make me sick now. But I stayed on, wanting to battle against this weather like the actors before me.

I hadn’t anticipated how long the scenes would take, sort of wishing that I had wrapped up even more. Trying to not show it, I remained where I was, putting all my attention back on the acting. Time slowed down extremely as I watched scenes be re-shot over and over again, the camera crew having to set up multiple times and costume and make-up tending to every actor. I was too shy and stubborn to speak up, ask if I could make my way back as to not cause disruption.

“Alright guys, that’s a wrap for today! You’ve all been amazing, thank you.” The director said into the megaphone, receiving cheers and hollers as a reply.

I practically leapt into Marco’s trailer when we arrived back. The heat was welcoming as I flopped into a chair, still holding the coat close to me as I relished the warmth. It would be a while until Marco was back, so I closed my eyes, letting all the tension out of my body.

“Sleeping Beauty!” Alex startled me, laughing as he saw me jump. He was out of his costume, now in a hoodie and sweatpants, though he still had fake dirt and blood on his face, as well as the braids in his hair.

“If I’m Sleeping Beauty then you must be the villain, because you’re still a mess.” I pointed out, pushing him away when he tried to hug me.

“Don’t you like me anymore? Why aren’t you hugging me?”

I giggled, trying as hard as I could to not get any blood or dirt on me.

He finally stopped leaning on the counter top in front of me.“What did you think of today?”

“You’re a bunch of amateurs I tell you, amateurs!” I dramatically said, waving my arms around like an angry director.

“Please, I really need this job!” Alex begged, playing along with it.

“I’m kidding, as usual, you were all amazing. I can’t wait for the new season.”

“Aw, I love that you’re my biggest fan.”

“Who said I’m your biggest fan?”

“I-I was just-”

I laughed, making him stop talking and groan as he ran his hands over his face out of embarrassment.

“You’ve smudged everything even more on your face.” I pointed out, grabbing the makeup wipes.“You start taking it off and I’ll work on your hair.”

He took the wipes from me, sitting down in my seat as I stood behind him, starting to work on the braids woven in his thick, long hair. We kept on talking, catching up and discussing the new season. Once his hair was finally free, I subconsciously ran my fingers from them, earning a gasp from Alex; he reached up to hold my hands, his far more warm than my own.

“Shit, (Y/N) your hands are freezing! Are you feeling OK?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s just from standing outside for so long.”

“You should have said something, you could get ill again.”

“I’ll be fine, just don’t...” my words trailed off as Marco entered his trailer, seeing Alex and I holding hands.

“What’s going on here?” Marco asked as he slowly closed the door.

“Nothing-”

“(Y/N)’s just a little cold. She didn’t go inside when she should have.”

“Marco sighed.“I knew I shouldn’t have brought you today.”

“It’s not that big of a deal, I’ll probably have a small cold or something, that’s all.” I defended myself, annoyed that Alex had told him.

“You always say this, and every time you get worse.”

“Marco, I’m an adult, I did this to myself.”

“Why didn’t you just walk off set-”

“Because I wanted to stay! People get sick all the time, I’m not the only person in the world to come down with a cold. Look, I’m not going to argue anymore, there’s no point. I’ll wait for you in the car.”

Before slamming the door behind me, I grabbed his car keys, storming towards the parking lot, and ignoring the looks from the workers surrounding the place. Although I wanted to say goodbye to my friends, I also didn’t want them asking questions, it would only upset me more. I got in the car, just sitting there as I tried to forget what happened. I hated arguing with anyone, especially my brother, but he was overprotective; and Alex shouldn’t have got involved, even though it was nice to see that he cared. Through the driver’s mirror, I could see Alex approaching the car. He swiftly opened the door and sat in the driver’s seat, his facial expression unreadable. I quickly turned my gaze away as his head lulled to the side.

“(Y/N), please can you look at me?” He asked, sounding sad.

“You shouldn’t have got involved.” I whined, caving in and looking at him. Goddammit, he was just so gorgeous.

“I had to. You’re my friend, and so is Marco, it would be unfair on him if I knew and he didn’t.”

“He doesn’t have to know everything about me. I wish people would stop seeing me as this sick, vulnerable child! Everyone gets ill, I just get it more often than others.”

“I realise that we treat you different because of it. But it’s-”

“Only because you care, I know.”

“(Y/N), please, I’m just trying to say sorry. I hate it when I can’t see you for weeks because you’re ill, and the fact that I can’t help you upset me.”

“Alex,” my voice got quieter, effected by what he said,“I’m touched that you feel that way. But don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“But that’s the thing, I can’t stop. The amount of times I’ve wanted to message you, or personally ask you to go places with me is uncountable; but each time I grow the balls to ask you out, I find out that you’re unwell, and I’d feel like an ass hole if I made you feel like you had to come out instead of resting.”

My heart was beating so loud that it was pounding in my ears, and I could feel myself blushing furiously,“Y-you should have just asked anyway. If I hadn’t been stubborn enough to go out, we could have planned something.”

“Really? I didn’t think you would say yes.”

“I didn’t think you would ask.”

We stared at each other for a few seconds, slowing breaking into smiles. It was a cute, almost romantic moment, until my brother interrupted by knocking on the window harshly. I rolled my eyes, locking the doors before turning back to Alex, drowning out Marco’s complaining from outside.

“What about this weekend?” I implied.

“What?”

“Let’s go somewhere, anywhere. I just need to get out of that apartment.”

He grinned, nodding slightly.“I’ll make a plan then.”

“Better not tell Marco, he really won’t let me go if I’m going on a date with his best friend.”

“Well, he’ll just have to get used to it, because I’m making up for lost time.”

#alex høgh andersen #alex høgh andersen imagine #alex høgh andersen x reader #alex høgh andersen one shot #alex hogh andersen imagine #alex hogh andersen x reader #alex hogh andersen one shot #alex hogh andersen #marco ilso #marco ilso imagine #marco ilso x reader #marci ilso one shot #vikings #vikings imagine

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

Text

I quit online dating...ok dating in general

Definitely taking a long hard look in the mirror, my new job starts soon so I can start seeing a therapist and finally figure out wtf is going on with me mentally but also

I NEED BETTER HELP WITH FIXING MY ATTRACTION OFF OF TOXIC MFS WHO CAN LIE WAY TOO GOOD AND ME ACTUALLY BELIEVING IT BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD AND I LIKE THEM LIKE AFTER BEING VULNERABLE

WTFFFF

I met Jay at work, so now I'm worried about blocking myself off too much if I happen to meet someone new and they sound like a nice person, good fit, but then the relationship and family trauma history comes up....wtf do i do? Run?

Like everything that I went through wasn't all my fault, but still I think it would be unfair for me to neglect someone as a potential date if they have everything that I'm looking for, looks good, but they have this, this, and that mental health disorders from trauma or they're just surviving....

But Idk, I think it would be best to get some guidance off the horny, desperate, need somebody to talk to because I can't come out to my parents about what happened to me with Jay and Ayunna because they're not cool about their kids being gay...

Its like "hey, dad I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone..."

"Wow...why would you stay in something like that? By the way was it a girl or a boy?"

I think my dad knows. But I did not like the way he responded and said that it was my fault for having sex with them...Like wow, how was I supposed to know they would have took advantage of me and did stuff to me that I wouldn't even like...without consent?

Wtf Dad.

And this is why I never talked to my mom about it either...they think alike to victim blame and doing the oh, well you should have known better way of talking down to their kids about being fucked up by their best friend...

Yea great role models.

I told him and he didn't even hug me. Cause he thought I was going to far when I said I wanted to fight her and get revenge.

He just said you should find a way to release that aggression and looked at me crazy as if nothing bad had happened to me and everything I was feeling still after, was all in my head, blown out of proportion.

Why didn't I tell him I was disappointed in the way he handled that?

It just made me close up on him and mom even more after he said that. Its like why should I have to debate out why it was so wrong of my friend to hurt me to somebody who would rather talk about something else, being all nonchalant and passive as usual.

I don't wanna talk about it until after I move out, cause I feel like he would explode on me if I was to say Dad, I don't like what you said and it hurt me to know that my own father didn't have my back when I was looking for support.

Cause I've been in pain all year, thinking, and being reminded of Jay and Ayunna's actions towards me. I hate them officially to this day. And I'll never love or trust the same since them.

They'll never know what its like to be me, not Jay, not Ayunna, not my mom or dad...so why even bother discussing, then later on debating about why I even stayed in an abusive relationship like that where I people pleased and didn't say stop. I just took the pain, like the good girl-sex-slave/doormat Jay wanted me to be.

He'll never understand it, and thats why I don't like the idea of telling my parents everything that happened, because I don't wanna lose my parents.

Cause I feel like even if I was to open up to my crazy bipolar mom and my passive ass dad, none of them would overreact about wanting to kick Jay and Ayunna's ass like I do right to this very day.

They would have got hard on me, tell me their disappointed in me, and told me everything that I did wrong in the matter instead of actually asking me "are you okay" which Dad never did after I told him the snippet.

Never would have asked me "how are you feeling" "do you need a hug" cause yea, its all my fault huh? For staying with a dumbass abusive friend who was already engaged to someone who treats them like a child too?

Yea they would have judged the fuck outta me...so I don't say anything. And every time I feel a ptsd episode spiraling or mom triggers me, I stay locked up in my room and scream and cry silently until I hear my voice crack. Shrilling the sound like, broken metal guitar strings cause I've been suffering in silence all year long. Hiding my depression from my sisters and my parents, because mom and dad want us to be happy about being alive and living in this house that I stopped giving a fuck about, because well grandma's dead and you can't make people happy about it when it was literally in July and her dead body was carried down our living room steps.

This bitch is crazy, you act like everything is supposed to just go back to normal? After everything that I've seen and been through this year? You think I'm supposed to be happy after finding out your a crazy, selfish, asshole who wanted me to fall down the steps just for pissing you off, my grandma was miserable and depressed all the way up in that house and delusional about healthcare that she didn't visit a doctor for years until it was too late, my dad hides everything he feels from us and mom unless it comes out in an aggravated assault on my little sister when she pissed him off, and now mom is basically forcing us to get back on cleanup schedule and act like everything is normal.

WHEN ITS FUCKING NOT

I bet deep down this is why Grandma moved to live in a cabin in the woods, for idk how long. She even painted the house she bought later on, the exact same colors. Burgundy and Sea Mint Green. Cause she loved how peaceful it was and there was nobody there but just her. Her family, her abusive ex, her abusive baby daddy, her children, and her friends all drove her nuts trying to be there and take care of them....when nobody was there to take care of her.

Except when I was there, it felt like we had the whole house, the whole world to ourselves, and we could be just as still and silent as the wind passing us as we sat on the couch, watched movies, ate popcorn, and enjoyed a hard lemonade with her. She missed being by herself after I moved in and so did I.

No wonder we kept butting heads. We don't like being disappointed by our family and friends, and we sure as hell don't like people making us work for them, and not caring about our emotional, mental, and physical stability.

I would prefer to go to the library for hours and just watch movies on the internet, than to live with my family while I'm still digesting the pain and drama I went through.

And realizing just how toxic, abusive, and crazy your family really is...really made me hate reality. Once the research on why I felt like I was suffering so bad with jay and ayunna started to add up, it all made sense why I didn't see some of the things that actually hurt me, as not as bad. Because I'd been through it already with my mom and my dad. Where I'm forced to take every negative comment or action they said and did, and just deal with it without retaliating against them or I was punished or told I was too sensitive to be told the truth. Gaslighting me.

Like I'm not allowed to feel pain if my mom tells me that my stomach is poking out too much in that dress and that I need to go change or wear some spanx. Then if I didn't want to change there was pinches on my skin from when she would force my shirts into my pants and make me feel stupid for not knowing how to tuck in my pants.

I'm supposed to always appreciate everything my parents did for me, even when the person standing in front of my face wants to be right all the time and I'm supposed to not get upset, not get angry, not cry, not whine or complain when my parent, my guardian does something unfair to me, says something rude, disrespectful, and controlling to me that they know that if I did the same thing to them, then they would slap me across the face, flick me in the head, knock me back to being a kid, just because they said so and just because I still live here.

I hate this place. And I thought Athena would be my escape. I thought I found someone to build real love with after going through so much trauma and realizing the crazy I've been living in for all these years.. The facade is over.

And I don't know what to do except cry and scream for myself in my room, and now I can't even talk to them about me losing my faith and trust in God because everything bad that happened and keeps happening. And why in the hell did he decide giving my grandma cancer was the best way for her to go? She was in so much pain all these years and it was from cancer. Her head and her body was twitching from lack of oxygen. And she was unresponsive as I sat upstairs with her all night on the very same couch I'm sitting on right now.

Its September now. She passed on July 30th and dad called me from upstairs after I had stayed up there till like 11:30 cause we were writing down how much morphine to give her each hour. And the nurse had just told us that she might not have that long left to live. Like maybe saturday or monday, cause it was already friday the 30th.

But after the nurse left, Dad told me to go through her pictures and find his favorite photo of her. I didn't even cry like he did, I had already cried at 10am when I saw no matter what I did, she was still shaking and not responding to me talking to her like before. Still grunting. It was like me being on nurse mode, made my heart, my emotions feel numb. But after I left the room and called Hospice, I finally let it out.

Grandma passed at around 1:30 or 2pm. And two of my aunts and my cousins were over. My cousins playing a game of Uno in the dining room as if nothing traumatic was going on upstairs. None of them reacted at all until they all joined us in the living room as she being carried down the stairs by the funeral service guys. It was amazing to see how insensitive at 1st the kids were, then to see my mom cry about not being strong enough for my dad, when I was sorta pissed off and confused and still in shock about grandma. LIKE WTFFF MOMMM FUCKING CRYYY THAT'S THE REASON WHY YALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN YALL RELATIONSHIP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

STOP HIDING YOUR FUCKING SADNESS, ANGER, AND GRIEF FROM YOUR FAMILY BY BEING A CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATH WHO EXPECTS PEOPLE TO ACT NORMAL AND BE HAPPY WHEN SOMETHING SHITTY LIKE THIS HAPPENS

GODDAMN IT MOM FUCKING CRY. YOU'RE HUMAN. IM HUMAN. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CRY. WE'RE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.

AND IM ALLOWED TO BE DEPRESSED AND UNSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE AND MY RELIGION THAT DOESN'T LET ME DO WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHOEVER I WANT TO BE WITH.

AND MOM IM GAY. I FELL IN LOVE WITH WITH A GIRL WHO LATER ON DECIDED TO BE A THEY, AND NOW A HE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS A THEY, CAUSE NOW HE'S GROWING A BEARD, A DICK, A NEW VOICE AGAIN, AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND I HAD SEX WITH HER TOO, BUT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND HER WANNA KILL EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S ACTUALLY A COUSIN OR NOT WHO REMINDS ME OF MY TRAUMA WHEN I WAS A KID. AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT INCEST POSSIBLY BEING A GENE OF TRAUMA IN THIS FAMILY.

I LITERALLY WATCHED MY COUSINS WHO WERE FAMILY, HAVE SEX AND THEY WERE KIDS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WATCHING PORN AND NOBODY BROUGHT IT BACK UP TO EVEN EXPLAIN WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. AND ALL I SEE IS FLASHBACKS OF SHIT WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME IN MY LIFE. CAUSE I KNOW INCEST IS BAD.

AND THATS WHY I STILL AM GROSSED OUT BY THE IDEA OF AYUNNA AS A WHOLE BECAUSE SHE SMELLS WEIRD AND HAS GROSS MORNING BREATH, SHE SNORTS FOR 45 MIN TO AN HR EVERY MORNING SHE WAKES UP LIKE ITS NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHE'S ABNOXIOUS AND GROSS AND IMMATURE BUT JAY PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S MATURE AND IM NOT EVEN THOUGH IM SMARTER, IM BETTER, MORE EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE TO HANDLE THEM BEING DEPRESSED TO NOT JUDGE THEM FOR IT, CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANNA DIE TO ESCPAE MY PAIN AND MY REALITY CAUSE ITS NICE AND EASIER TO HAVE AFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING TAKEN CARE OF LIKE A BABY AND HAVE FUN JUST LIKE YOU TOO.

I feel like i lost a lot this year...including my sanity...thanks a lot Athena for triggering me. Now going back to talking to grandma as if she was here like I did when i was on the flight for the very 1st time after 911 and I had a silent panic attack because I was holding it in for the kid and the obnoxious older black lady next to me on my flight.

I cried my tears out and everything felt tight up on my back, making me scared and numb and tingly like I was on a rollercoaster. and mom thought I was just overreacting.

I need someone who understands me and knows exactly how it feels to be me, and I thought that person was this crazy bitch on the internet, who's gay and trans and lost a bunch of her family due to trauma. Because she's autistic, and not the one where they cant talk and do things for themselves. She talks to me just like I would to myself when I wasn't feeling good.

And idk, if I might have some sort of autism or spectrum thing too. Or did my family brainwash me into thinking nothing was wrong with me, the way they treated me, and how I was behaving...just because they didn't wanna believe it either.

I wanna know what's wrong with me, my life, my family and how do I fix it so it doesn't keep happening. I wanna know how can I avoid becoming like my parents and ending up in a controlling, aggressive, petty relationship like my dad who became passive just so he could deal with it and hide his pain from her.

I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like with no confrontations that leads to fights, arguing that leads to yelling at each other's faces and getting distracted with emotions to where we throw things at each other or just walk out without saying anything...

Because I dont know how to be angry. Cause I was never allowed to. and the people who birth me, don't know how to control theirs either without hurting the person they care about, someway or some sort.

I still to this day don't know how to communicate when I get angry. Because I feel like I was adopted from all the daycare people who used to take me in at night time when mom would drop me off and I never knew when she was coming back cause she didn't tell me.

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builder051 · 6 years

Text

Mike & Co story arc: part 2

Enter Jason, who is actually of sound mind (probably). Refresh your memory and check out part 1 here.

Warnings for: hospitals, some ED talk, physical health talk, mental health talk, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of death.

I don’t think it’s actually as heavy as it sounds...? Maybe not; I’m a soulless bastard, don’t’ya’know.

_____

Jason doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there. Long enough for the pleather recliner to feel uncomfortable. Long enough for the light of dawn to start filtering through the blinds on the window. But still not long enough for Mike to wake up.

She looks small lying in the hospital bed, practically engulfed by pillows. Her chin tilts toward one shoulder and her hair fans out under her head. For once she’s not frowning. He looks almost peaceful.

“The hell have you gotten yourself into?” Jason mutters for the thousandth time. “What have you gotten us all into?” He sighs and adjusts his slouch so he can balance his elbow on the armrest and drop his forehead onto his fist.

The sound of sheets rustling startles Jason back to awareness. He blinks away grogginess and pushes himself up straight in the chair. Mike does the same in the bed. She finds the buttons embedded in the side rail and raises the mattress till she’s supported.

“Yo,” Jason says, all his irritation with her evaporating. “Good to see you awake.”

“How long was I out?” Mike asks.

“A while,” Jason says. “They, uh. Gave you some sedatives.”

Mike looks around the small room. She already knows where she is. It’s more like she’s taking in the scenery. “What happened?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Jason asks.

Mike blinks. Swallows. “You don’t really want to know.”

Of course it isn’t. He tries not to imagine. “Well, the cops picked you up. Apparently you told them to call me before you passed out, so at least you were kind of using your brain. Otherwise they would’ve called mom and dad.”

Mike twists the sheets in her lap. “Have you told mom and dad?”

“Not yet,” Jason says.

Mike looks around again. “Is this ward general? Or…or something else?”

“What? Psych?”

Mike glares at him. “Just tell me what happened.”

“You really don’t remember?” Even in Jason’s inexpert opinion, that seems like a bad sign.

“It’s foggy,” Mike admits. “And you said I’ve been on drugs. I don’t want to guess wrong.”

It’s fair enough. “Well, you got arrested,” Jason says with as little ceremony as possible. “But you passed out, so the cops called an ambulance. They thought you were high, but you weren’t, so they admitted you.”

“That it?” Mike raises her eyebrows.

“You resisted pretty hard,” Jason says. “So after you came to, they just knocked you out again.”

“Yeah, figures.” Mike gives a singular chuckle.

“It’s not funny.”

Mike shrugs. “It kind of is. You sure this isn’t psych? If I was, like violent…” She sounds almost proud.

“Yeah, it’s a regular ward. You had, like barely any blood pressure or something. You’re pretty sick.” Mike just blinks at him, so Jason goes on. “And you’re not that tough. You’re a fucking toothpick.”

“Can I go?” Mike picks at the tape holding the IV to her arm. “I don’t want to be here.”

“You haven’t been released yet. And if you pull that thing out, I swear, I’m gonna pass out too.” Jason holds both hands in front of his face.

“I’m an adult. I can check myself out if I want.” Mike rolls her eyes. “But will I be in trouble with the cops if I go? Are they, like, holding me here?”

“Oh. No. You were technically in custody for a while, but we paid your bail. They gave you a really low one since we’re ‘starving college kids’ and all.” He uses air quotes around the phrase.

Mike raises her eyebrows. “Right.”

“Sorry. Bad choice of words. I think he was bending the rules ‘cause you’re a cute girl who’s never really been in trouble before.” Jason shakes his head. “But point is, I put up a couple hundred bucks, and you get to go free as long as you make your court date. He’ll probably come back with some papers and shit for you to sign.”

“The fuck are they charging me with?” Mike grumbles, picking at the IV line again. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Resisting arrest and damage to public property. I guess you broke a latch off a door or something?” Jason tries to recall what the officer told him. Lack of sleep is catching up, though, and his brain feels like mush.

“That’s stupid.”

“Well, I don’t make the rules.”

A moment of quiet ensues. Then Mike bites her lip. “You really didn’t tell Mom and Dad?”

Jason shakes his head. “No.”

“That’s…” Mike shakes her head. “That’s weird of you. I know you’re their spy. Making sure I behave myself.”

“Do you want me to tell them?” Jason already knows the answer; he doesn’t need to keep proving the point. He wonders if that makes him cruel.

“Fuck no.”

“Well, see?”

“Since when have you ever done what I want?” Mike crosses her arms over her chest. There might be a tremor going in her hands, but it’s clear she doesn’t want Jason to see.

“Since…” Jason scrubs his fist over one eye and sighs. “I don’t know, Mike. Since you started scaring me so much.” The emotion he’s been pushing down all night grows into a clot at the back of his throat.

“Scaring you how? Nothing I do is about you,” Mike says, venom imbuing her tone.

“I know it’s not about me.” Jason takes a breath, then lets his feelings spill out. “What would you do to yourself if I told them, huh? When you lock yourself in the bathroom, I don’t know if you’re slitting your wrists or what. I don’t…I don’t want you to do anything because of me.”

Another uncomfortable silence passes. Then Mike mutters, “I didn’t think you cared that much.”

“How could I not care? You’re my only sister. We don’t get along anymore, sure. But…Jesus Christ, Mike, I can’t believe you’re making me say this.” He’s going to cry. Hot tears already fill the corners of his eyes.

“I’m not making you do anything. Just get up and fucking leave.”

“No, you’re sitting there fucking manipulating me because you know you can.” Jason fights to keep his breaths even. “I’d be sad if you died, ok? I love you, and you matter to me. So get better, ok?” His voice catches, and he rubs his sleeve over his eyes. “I want you to get better.”

“You can’t just say that and have it happen.” Mike doesn’t look at him. She yanks the tape off the IV line.

“I know that.” Jason swallows a sob. “But you’re in over your head. I want to help you. Colby wants to help you. Fuck. Mom and Dad want to help you.”

“Don’t talk to me about Mom and Dad,” Mike snaps. She winces as she starts to pull on the needle in the crook of her elbow. “Get the fuck out.”

Jason doesn’t need telling twice. “God fucking dammit.” He leans against the wall outside Mike’s room, fighting waves of dizziness. He can’t hide the tears that run down his face as he makes his way down the corridor.

At the nurses’ station, he pauses. “Can you call me?” he asks desperately. “If my sister tries to check herself out? Or if she sees the doctor? Or, like, if anything happens?”

The nurse behind the counter nods and holds out a box of tissues. “Of course,” he says.

“Just…” Jason chokes on a sob. “Don’t let her make any more bad choices.”

***

“Here you go.” Colby passes Jason a tall styrofoam cup and pulls out the chair across from him.

“What is it?” Jason asks, resigned. His voice is still rough from crying.

“Taste it and find out,” Colby says.

Jason takes a swig. The warmth and sweetness of the hot chocolate is soothing, and he smiles as he reaches for Colby’s hand. “Thanks.”

“Figured it was what you needed.” Colby gives him a small smile.

“Yeah. Thanks.” Jason takes another sip. “Thanks for coming. I know this isn’t how you want to be spending Spring Break, sitting around in a hospital cafeteria…” He shakes his head.

“Seriously? Where else would I be?” Colby flattens Jason’s hand between both his palms.

“I don’t know,” Jason murmurs. “I don’t even know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

They already have. Jason’s passed on every bit of information he knows about Mike’s condition. That her weight’s bordering on dangerously low. That her heart’s working too hard. That every time she smokes a cigarette or goes for a jog or sticks her finger down her throat she’s straining herself enough to risk her life. The added stress of an arrest and a court date will be nowhere near helpful for her condition.

Jason shrugs. “You know the facts.”

“I mean, like, how you feel about it. You can’t hold it in all by yourself. The pressure is going to end up hurting you,” Colby says.

Jason takes another sip of his drink. He heaves a sigh and blinks quickly as his eyes well up again.

“Hey, it’s healthy to cry,” Colby says.

Jason digs in his pocket for the crumpled tissue he’d taken from the nurse’s station earlier. “God,” he whispers as he wipes his eyes. “It’s only the same shit I’ve always known. She’s been doing it for almost 4 years. I don’t care about the stuff with the cops. It’s the way she keeps hurting herself that just…fucks me up. I don’t know why I’m so upset about it now.”

“It’s a different context,” Colby says. “Everything’s scarier in a hospital.”

“Yeah, I guess.” The pressure of the tears is starting to make his head ache. “I feel stupid for not caring so much before.”

“No,” Colby reassures. “You totally cared. It’s just hard to help somebody who doesn’t want help.”

Long-forgotten feelings are building up in Jason’s chest again. The longer he sits there, the more he feels like he’s going to burst. “You know, um…” He tries to gather his words. “You know my brother died, right?”

Colby slowly shakes his head. He clasps Jason’s hand tighter. “No,” he breathes.

“It was SIDS, we were all really little,” Jason says quickly. “I don’t even really remember it. But…” He swallows hard. “I just don’t want to lose…”

“Yeah.”

“Mike can’t die.” A sob wracks Jason’s shoulders. “She can’t fucking die.”

“She’s not gonna die,” Colby says. He reaches across the table to squeeze Jason’s shoulder.

“You can’t know that. She’s gonna do something else stupid and it’s gonna be too much and there’s not going to be anything we can do about it.”

“Mike’s smart. She’ll come around,” Colby says. “Maybe not right away, but she’ll come around.”

“What if she doesn’t? I’ve been waiting for her to get the memo for four years.” Jason can barely force out the words. The emotion makes his teeth chatter.

“She will,” Colby says firmly. “I’ll talk some sense into her. So will the doctors. She’ll listen to you eventually.”

“I…” Jason forces a deep breath. “I want to believe that.”

“Then do.”

“I just…don’t know if I can. Her track record is…” Jason shakes his throbbing head.

“Things change. Let’s look on the positive side,” Colby says. Then he asks, “Have you eaten?”

“You going all ED therapist on me too?” Jason asks with a dry laugh.

“No, it’s 11:30, and I’m pretty sure all you’ve had today is sugar.” Colby tests the weight of Jason’s hot chocolate. “Yeah, time for some real food, I think. It’ll make you feel better.”

“I don’t know…”

“Trust me.” Colby stands up. “We’ll have a sandwich and go from there, ok?”

Jason swallows hard, then nods. “Ok.”

#my ocs #oc fic #mike & co #mike deangeles #jason deangeles #colby carson #sickfic #eating disoder tw #death tw #hospitals tw #mental health #physical health #suicidal thoughts tw #suicide tw #hurt/comfort

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bemorecronch · 7 years

Text

Glass Bird (Jared Kleinman x Gender Neutral Reader)

WARNINGS: heavy mentions of Anxiety, medication. Super fluffy. Just about self-care and how Jared's secretly a softie who loves you. You and Jared had been dating for 4 months, and you'd become that couple. The one that people weren't sure if you were actually dating. You'd throw harmless insults at each other and neither of you were too good with public displays of affection. When you were in private it was usually over at his house a lot because his parents were always working and it was easier to be alone. Since the relationship started it was more friends that had sex rather than a romantic thing. It was comfortable and you'd never been happier. But today was different. Today was shitty. You'd been feeling nervous all morning and had 3 panic attacks in total. You were taking your medication and trying to do what your therapist said. The problem was you didn't have the energy to even try and make yourself better. You wanted to climb under the covers and scream into the void at the same time. So when Jared had asked if you were coming over and you didn't reply, he got worried. “You ok?” His voice was quiet on the phone and you tried your best to put on what you'd labelled as your ‘plastic-voice’ the one you used to convince people you were doing fine. Somehow it never really worked with him, “Yeah! I'm good! You?” You sound bright and he hesitates. You here him moving on the phone, “I'm putting my shoes on. See you in five.” “Wait! Jared I'm…” But he's hung up. You rest your head in your hands because any second he'd be over and be totally repulsed. You look pathetic and weak and he’ll want nothing to do with you. You lye face down on the sofa and shut your eyes; trying to focus on any other sound than the hyper-static noise in your head. You must be worn out after classes because you can sense that over-tired feeling wash over you. The all too familiar fear based adrenaline that was there for seemly no reason and nothing you could channel it toward. You feel like no time has gone by, but 10 minutes later you hear a knock on the door. There's a moment where you consider not answering. You pause with your hand on the door knob for what can only be a few seconds, but feels an awful lot like eternity. The mail slot opens from the other side, “hey asshole I'm not leaving. Either let me in or I'm sleeping in your doorstep.” You try to plaster on a smile as you open the door. He has a basket full on stuff in his arms and charges past you before you can work out what any of it is and places it in the floor. You lock the door and turn to face him, “Jared I'm fine, you don't need to…” you're cut off by a chaste kiss in the lips. He's holding your waist and you feel yourself melt a little. He doesn't let many people see this side of him, but he can be sweet. “Ok. Go take a shower.” So much for sweet. “What?” You look up and he kisses you again, “I'm taking care of you so you have to do what I say. Go take a shower.” You'd usually fight. No one tells you what to do as a matter of principle. But the energy just isn't there. Plus now you think about it you don't actually remember the last time you showered. A mix of general mental health bullshit was effecting your memory and made you feel a little gross. You nod slowly, “but not because you told me.” You whisper and he chuckles, “of course not.” You slowly make your way up the stairs and undress, running the shower hot and climbing in. You wash your hair and start to feel somewhat human. The urge to sit down and cry is still there though, and after 20 minutes there's a light tapping on the door, “you're not masturbating in there are you?” Jared asks and you give a quiet laugh, “just finished.” “Well I uh… I brought you some of my pyjamas because God knows how long live just been wearing those.” You step out and wrap a towel around you before opening the door, he's holding a graphic-T and plaid boxers. He tucks a strand of wet hair behind your ear and he kisses your forehead, “get dry and come down stairs.” You pull him into a light kiss and take the clothes from him, “why are you doing this?” You ask and he smirks “you think I can't tell when you our faking it?” He cocks and eyebrow and forces another laugh out of you, “well shit.” “Exactly. Now go get changed and I'll see you down stairs.” While you'd never admit it to anyone else, you did what you were told. Wrapping your hair into a towel and pulling on his shirt and boxers. The T-shirts a little big on you but it smells fresh and also slightly like his house. Something else you'd never admit is to how comforting the smell of Jared actually was. He'd mock you for weeks if he knew. As you pad down the stairs you see a cup of tea waiting for you and RuPaul on Netflix. There's microwaved noodles on a plate and he smiles when he sees you. You sit on your knees and instantly begin to cry. He wraps his arms around you, kissing your temple. “I'm sorry if I was being bossy- I just know making decisions when your in a bad place makes it worse. I didn't mean to…” He's babbling and you stop him by kissing him lightly. You're still crying so it's a little strange, and you pull away wiping your face, “they're not sad tears.” You're whispering for fear of your voice cracking, “it's not tears of joy… More like, relief.” You're trying to regain yourself and he pulls you to lean on him. He kisses your cheek and you notice he's got that half cocked smile, “you get that its only like, shitty noodles. And this is your Netflix account. Jesus baby you really need to heighten your standards.” You know he's kidding, but you push him a little anyway. He sits behind you and wraps a long, wool blanket around your shoulders. You fight the urge to cry again because he will definitely start mocking you. He presses play but you’re not focuses on the t.v. He's watching and commenting absentmindedly. You rest your head on his chest and yawn, the sound from the t.v echoes around you and you focus in the slow thumping of Jared’s heart. It's steady and slow and you count the beats in your head. “Hey nerd, you need to eat.” He kisses the the top of your head and you can actually feel yourself begin to centre. The adrenaline is lesser and the static is barely audible. You smile at him; an actual smile, “this is the first and last time I do what you tell me.” You comment before sitting forward and eating. He rolls his eyes but there's a grin growing too, “Yeah well apparently Nurse Kleinman knows how to make you feel better.” “Nurse Kleinman? Kinky.” You mutter. He nudges you slightly and laughs. You finish the noodles that were actually pretty good and take your plates into the sink. You start washing automatically and he puts his hand on your shoulder, “I'll do them if you…” You cut him off by kissing him, “you cooked, I'll clean.” You run the tap and let it fill up before scrubbing on the plates. All the while you can feel eyes on you. Usually you wouldn't mind but in your current state it puts you a little on edge, “you don't have to stay and like… Watch me.” He's leaning against the counter and there's a softer look in his eyes, “I just realised… What it would be like living together.” It's quiet and you freeze up. Your stomach drops and your hands support you on the edge of the sink for fear of falling, your breathing increases and the static comes back in a loud and terrible manner. As quick as it happens he has his arms around your waist from behind, “what's wrong?” His hold is strong and safe. The guilt is almost unbearable. But how do you word it without coming across needy, “I… It's… Look. I'm not saying we would be living together but, if you ever did- if we ever… It wouldn't be like this. You wouldn't have to care for me. I'm not some breakable glass bird you'd need to keep putting back together.” It comes out in a ramble and is met by silence. You feel his head rest on your shoulder and lightly kiss your neck, “I meant me cooking and you doing the dishes. We’re being all domestic and I… Liked it. And on the days where one of us has a breakdown; because it will happen, I know the other will be there with noodles and RuPaul.” You inhale, not realising you'd been holding you breath, “oh.” “And for the record,” he spins you around, bubbles flying as your hands cone out of the sink, “I have not, do not and will not see you as a little glass bird. You're one of the strongest people I know. It's actually why I love you.” The panic in his eyes after he realises what he's said is pretty goddamn cute neither if you had ever talked about the word love- much less said to to each other. But you knew how you felt, you kiss him again. It's a little stronger and you feel him relax into it, he holds you tighter as you pull away, “Jared… That's gay as shit.” You can't help but smile as he opens his mouth to retort and no words come out, you wrap your arms around his neck: “but I… I love you too.” You whisper. He kisses you on the forehead again. “I'm gonna dry my hands and we can finish that episode RuPaul?” You ask and he nods and let's go, making his way back to the living room. You quickly dry your hands and grab his shoulder, “Jared?” “Yeah?” You grab his collar and pull him into another kiss. It's deeper and you run your hands through his hair before trailing them down his neck and cupping his jaw. He's wrapped his arms completely around you and as you pull away he's still leaning in. His glasses have fogged a little and he looks completely caught off guard. You take his hands, “thank you for today. I… I really needed this.”

#jared kleinman #Jared kleinman X reader #DEH #dear Evan Hansen #bemorecronch

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brentrogers · 4 years

Text

Podcast: Joking About Suicide: Is It Ever Okay?

Is it ever OK to joke about mental illness or suicide? In today’s Not Crazy podcast, Gabe and Lisa welcome Frank King, a comedian who’s turned his struggles with major depression and suicidal thinking into comedic material.

What do you think? Is joking about suicide too heavy? Or is humor a good coping mechanism? Join us for an in-depth discussion on gallows humor.

(Transcript Available Below)

Subscribe to Our Show!

And Please Remember to Rate & Review Us!

Guest Information for ‘Frank King — Joking and Suicide’ Podcast Episode

Frank King, Suicide Prevention speaker and Trainer was a writer for The Tonight Show for 20 years.

Depression and suicide run in his family. He’s thought about killing himself more times than he can count. He’s fought a lifetime battle with Major Depressive Disorder and Chronic Suicidality, turning that long dark journey of the soul into five TEDx Talks and sharing his lifesaving insights on Mental Health Awareness with associations, corporations, and colleges.

A Motivational Public Speaker who uses his life lessons to start the conversation giving people permission to give voice to their feelings and experiences surrounding depression and suicide.

And doing it by coming out, as it were, and standing in his truth, and doing it with humor.

He believes that where there is humor there is hope, where there is laughter there is life, nobody dies laughing. The right person, at the right time, with the right information, can save a life.

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Lisa is the producer of the Psych Central podcast, Not Crazy. She is the recipient of The National Alliance on Mental Illness’s “Above and Beyond” award, has worked extensively with the Ohio Peer Supporter Certification program, and is a workplace suicide prevention trainer. Lisa has battled depression her entire life and has worked alongside Gabe in mental health advocacy for over a decade. She lives in Columbus, Ohio, with her husband; enjoys international travel; and orders 12 pairs of shoes online, picks the best one, and sends the other 11 back.

Computer Generated Transcript for “Frank King- Joking and Suicide” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Lisa: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a psych central podcast hosted by my ex-husband, who has bipolar disorder. Together, we created the mental health podcast for people who hate mental health podcasts.

Gabe: Hey, everybody, and welcome to the Not Crazy Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me, as always, is Lisa. Lisa, do you have a new beginning this week?

Lisa: Oh, you totally ruined my thing. I was gonna do hi, I’m Lisa, but like in a cute voice.

Gabe: You think using like a different inflection, but the exact same words is a new introduction for you?

Lisa: Yes, I’m going to do different inflections.

Gabe: That’s terrible.

Lisa: I’ve been thinking about it for a full seven days.

Gabe: It’s terrible. You know, I am very happy that you’re here and I’m very happy that the show is about comedy. We are going to talk about is comedy and being funny surrounding mental health issues OK? Well, we kind of think it is. But Lisa, today we have a guest.

Lisa: Yes. Our guest, Frank King, lives with major depression and suffers from suicidal ideation, and he describes himself as a warrior in his lifelong battle with mental illness. And before we get started, we are going to talk about suicide. And Frank is a comedian. So it’s going to come up pretty quick. So be prepared for that.

Gabe: And there’s your trigger warning, folks, and after we’re done talking to Frank. Lisa and I will be back to tell you our thoughts, you know, behind his back.

Lisa: And recorded, so not really behind his back. He could still listen to it.

Gabe: I’m glad you told me that, because

Lisa: You forgot?

Gabe: Yeah, yeah, that just yeah.

Lisa: Yeah.

Gabe: I often forget that people are listening

Lisa: Really?

Gabe: No. No, never.

Gabe: And we’re just going to attack him a whole bunch. We’re gonna be like, that’s offensive. That’s awful. That’s terrible. People feel this way. And would you joke about murder? The answer, of course, is that people do joke about murder. People joke about all kinds of things. But I feel like we should let Frank defend himself. Frank, welcome to the show.

Frank: Thanks, Gabe. Thanks for the warm welcome.

Lisa: Oh, thank you for being here.

Gabe: Are you glad you said yes?

Frank: Huh, do you want me to be honest or kind?

Lisa: Too soon to say.

Frank: No, I’m delighted to be here. Glad we could find a time to do this, although I haven’t got another booking till May 2021, so I got plenty of time.

Gabe: COVID has slowed us all down. Frank, you’re a mental health comedian. That’s literally how you describe yourself. Frank King, the mental health comedian. Why? Can you tell us about that?

Frank: Yeah, I told my first joke in fourth grade and the kids laughed and I told my mom I’m gonna be a comedian. She said, because education is a big deal in our family. Well, son, you are gonna go to college and get a degree. Now, after college, you can be, I don’t know a goat herder if you choose. But you, my son, are going to be a goat herder with a degree. So I went to school in Chapel Hill. I got two degrees. One in political science, one in industrial relations.

Lisa: Oh, I didn’t know that was the thing.

Frank: I didn’t either.

Gabe: Can you get a job in that or did you have to fall back on comedy?

Frank: No. UNC Chapel Hill has a fabulous placements center. I interviewed literally 77 times. No second interviews, no job offers. So they’re looking at me thinking this guy’s a clown. And they were correct. So most people give up a good job to do comedy. But I was functionally unemployable. So my girlfriend, high school girlfriend and college, her father worked for an insurance company and he wrangled me a job as a marketing rep of an insurance company in Raleigh. And then we moved to San Diego. I should have never married my first wife. I knew going down the aisle it was not going to work. I just didn’t have the testicular fortitude to back out. We had nothing in common, essentially. And you know what they say, opposites attract. She was pregnant. I wasn’t. So, we got married and, in La Jolla, California, which is a suburb of San Diego, although La Jolla would tell you that San Diego is actually a suburb of La Jolla, the Comedy Store had a branch there, the world famous Comedy Store on Sunset.

Gabe: Yeah. Very cool.

Frank: And so I

Lisa: Yeah, I watched it when I was a kid.

Frank: And so I did what I tell comedians or want to be comedians to do. Go and sit through open mic night twice. See how bad everybody is, 75% of them. And that will give you the courage. I went down, sat through two nights of it and sure enough, 75, 80 percent were horrible. And I’m thinking I’m that funny just walking around. And so the third night I went, I got up. I did my five minutes. It was all about moving from North Carolina to California because back then that was quite a bit of culture shock. The joke I remember is I’d never seen guacamole. I’ve never actually seen an avocado growing up in North Carolina. So I pick up a chip and I’m headed for the bowl and I stop. I’m hovering over the bowl, staring at the guacamole. You know what guacamole looks like. The hostess comes running over. Frank, I’ll bet you don’t know what that is. You’re not from California. That is what we call guacamole. And it’s good. And I said, yes, I bet it was good the first time somebody ate it. And in my head that night, it’s only happened a couple of times in my life. I had the thought unbidden. I’m home on stage

Lisa: Aww.

Frank: There. And then my second thought was I would do this for a living. I have no idea how because I had no idea how difficult it is to make a living doing standup comedy. Had I known, I probably would not have tried.

Gabe: Frank, I love that story and that, of course, answers the second part, how you became a comedian, but why mental health? Why a mental health comedian?

Frank: Well, we’ll get there.

Gabe: Get there faster, Frank.

Lisa: Don’t, don’t.

Gabe: That’s what I’m telling you.

Frank: I see, okay.

Lisa: Don’t, Gabe. It’s just like with you, if you try to make him go faster, he’ll go slower. Just think Zen.

Frank: Yeah,

Lisa: Be chill.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: See all these years, that’s why I let you talk, because otherwise it takes longer.

Gabe: That’s so sweet.

Frank: I did amateur night for about a year, and then I won a contest in San Diego. Said to my girlfriend, now my wife of 32 years.

Lisa: Oh.

Frank: Look, I’m going on the road to do standup comedy. I had 10 weeks booked, which I thought was forever. You want to come along? And she said inexplicably, yes. So we put everything into storage that we couldn’t fit into my tiny little Dodge Colt.

Gabe: Wow.

Frank: No air conditioning. And we hit the road for 2,629 nights in a row. Nonstop, beer bar, pool hall, honky tonk, comedy club. And she just came along for the ride. We had no home, no domicile. No, we were, you know.

Gabe: Now, generally speaking, when people are homeless, I think maybe they’re not so good at what they’re doing. But?

Lisa: It’s apparently a different type of industry.

Frank: And it was a great time of our lives. I mean, back then they put you up in a comedy condo, three bedrooms. So I worked with and spent time, weeks at a time in condos with Dennis Miller and Jeff Foxworthy and Ron White, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O’Donnell and Dana Carvey and Adam Sandler. Back when they were just comics. So we rode that wave for about seven years. And then I got a job in radio in Raleigh, North Carolina, my old hometown, and I took a number one morning show. I drove it to number six in 18 months. A friend of mine said you didn’t just drive it into the ground. You drove it into Middle Earth. So I did.

Lisa: Well, but in absolute value, that’s a, that’s a big up.

Gabe: I mean, six is a bigger number than one, congratulations.

Lisa: There you go. Yeah.

Frank: So then my boss at the time, we’re still friends, said to me, well, you go back on the road doing stand up. Well, standup was going away. More clubs are closing than opening. So I’ve always been very clean. Which cost me in the one nighter beer bar situations. But join the National Speaker Association, got to the rubber chicken circuit and rode that and made good money just doing HR friendly corporate clean comedy until 2007 and a half basically. And then the market, you know, the speaking market dropped out 80% practically overnight. And my wife and I lost everything we worked for for twenty five years in a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. And that’s when I found out what the barrel of my gun tastes like. Spoiler alert. I didn’t pull the trigger. I tell that story and a friend of mine came up afterwards, who never heard me say that before. And he goes, Hey, man, how come you didn’t pull the trigger? I go, Hey, man, could you try to sound a little less disappointed? So. And if you want to know why I didn’t pull the trigger, it’s in my first TED talk.

Gabe: I mean, sincerely, we. This is the crux of the show, right? That’s like really heavy. Like when you said it, I was like, oh, my God, what can I do to save, Frank? You already told me that it was.

Lisa: Yeah, I was also thinking whoa whoa, did not see that coming. All right.

Gabe: Right. But you said it funny. I mean, there’s no other way to put it. That was a joke about something really, really serious. And I imagine that there’s a shock value there. There’s a like that was unexpected.

Frank: Yeah, and it is there on purpose.

Gabe: Do you get shit for that? I mean, I can already read the letters. I was trying to listen to your podcast. We were all having a good time. And then Frank made a joke about suicide that I wasn’t expecting. How dare you? And on one hand, I want to agree with them, like, oh, like that would be unexpected. But on the other hand, I appreciate humor. I embrace humor. It is healthy. How do you answer the people that tell you this?

Lisa: Well, first, I want to hear how he decided to talk about this, because this friend comes up to him and he tells the story. Is that because that friend thought it was hilarious and you were like, oh, this is definitely where the money is? I’m gonna go this direction. I mean, how did that happen?

Frank: Well, I had a mental health act at that point when he actually said that. So I just, as many comics do,

Lisa: Ok.

Frank: Added to that because everybody laughed. The actual original line was bankruptcy, lost everything. And I had an itch on the roof of my mouth I could only scratch with the front side on my nickel plated .38, which people found a little graphic. So I,

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Well.

Frank: I came up with the what the barrel of my gun tastes like. It’s faster. And what I do is I do it on purpose for two reasons. One, anybody in the audience who has a mental illness who hears me say, I can tell you what the barrel of my gun tastes like, you can see them lean forward because all of a sudden, they realize that I get it. And it shocks the neuro typical people, which is what I’m after, into paying better attention, because that’s why I’m there, is to let the mentally ill people know that they’re not alone and help the neurotypical people decode how someone can be so depressed that they would take their own life. And so, but then again, you notice I talk about taste of the barrel of my gun and then I go, spoiler alert, didn’t pull the trigger. So you get the shock and then you get the joke, although it only gets a nervous laugh, that line, you know. Huh. And then the big payoff is friend of mine came up. Why didn’t you pull the trigger? Could you. Yeah. So it is constructed that way on purpose. The shock value. And then the first small laugh. Should we be laughing at the fact you put a gun in his mouth? And then the big laugh with the guy who came up afterwards and said, you know, and I said try to sound a little less disappointed.

Frank: So but yeah, it’s, um, except for the fact that I was given some grief about the original line, about the itch on the roof of my mouth. Nobody’s ever complained about the. I don’t know whether they I’ve shocked him into apoplexy. They can’t. I’d like to say something, but I can’t. And there’s a comedy principle there in that if you give them something very serious like the gun in the mouth and you follow it with something amusing, then they’re much more ready and able to handle the next piece of serious information that you give them, regardless of what it is. So there’s a rhythm to and then the reason, you know, everything is where it is in that bit and in the in my speech. What happened was I would do standup comedy and I’d always wanted to make a living and a difference because when I went to work in insurance, I saw all the old school motivational guys, Zig Ziglar and like that. I thought, man, I could do that if I just had something to teach somebody. Well, when I came so close, and it runs in my family. My grandmother died by suicide.

Frank: My mother found her. My great aunt died by suicide. My mother and I found her. I was four years old, I screamed for days. I thought, I think I can maybe talk about it. And then I bought a book by a woman named Judy Carter called The Message of You: Turning Your Life into a Money Making Speaking Career. And I went into it thinking, I’ve got nothing. And Judy walks you through finding your heart story and what you should be talking about. And about halfway through, I thought I do have something to talk about. So I use Judy’s book to design my first TED talk. I used a book called Talk Like TED to refine it. And then I delivered it and I came out to the world at 52 as somebody who’s depressed and suicidal. My wife didn’t know my family, my friends, no one knew. Now to Gabe’s point, the only thing I’ve ever gotten grief for about that TEDx talk was that I didn’t know that the preferred language around suicide was die by suicide, completed a suicide, in that I said committed suicide. And it actually cost me a gig. They saw that, and I said, well, look at the next three.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: But they didn’t want to hire me because I used the term committed suicide.

Gabe: We talk about this a lot. Everywhere I go. I used to be the host of a podcast called A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast and all of our mail. OK. I should back off that a little. Not all of our mail but, but probably 75% of our mail, was your language is offensive. It should be called a person living with bipolar, a person living with schizophrenia and a portable digital file that you can listen to at your leisure. And I thought that’s just so cumbersome. But what really struck me about this language debate is, for the record, I agree that we should say completed suicide or attempted suicide. I don’t like the term commit because it makes it sound. I agree with that change. But so what? You probably agree with the thought behind it as well. And you just didn’t know at the time. We’re not educating people if we start, you know, firing people every time they make a mistake. I mean, just heaven forbid.

Frank: Well, here’s the deal. I said there is no bigger commitment than blowing your brains out. Two, there’s an old joke about breakfast, bacon and eggs. The chicken is involved. The pig was committed. Still didn’t get the gig. But I felt better.

Gabe: I understand. Look, I’m not saying that there’s not an iota of truth in the way we talk to each other and the way that we speak to one another and the words that we choose to use. It’s one of the reasons that you’re probably a comedian because, you know, that language can be manipulated in a way that makes people pay closer attention.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

Gabe: Or a way that makes people laugh or that, you know, ruffles people’s feathers. We’re all aware of this. But I still have to point out time and time again, if we put as much effort into getting people with serious mental illness help as we do in deciding how to discuss people with serious mental illness, I think the world would be a better place. I had to take a lot of shit about that, Frank.

Frank: Yeah. My radio co-host, had an expression, is that the hill you want to die on? And no, that’s not the hill I want to die. That’s not where I want to spend my effort. I’ll use proper language. But I’m not you know, right before I came on with you guys, I was on a dental podcast because dentists have a high rate and several have died recently, high profile. And the gentleman I was talking to said committed suicide. And I just let it go. I wasn’t going to school him. I mean, if I saw him later, I’d say, hey, man, just a note, you know, just for your own edification and to avoid trouble in the future. And I have done that with other people. You know, people say something. I said, look, you know, when you figure somebody has mental illness, you need to avoid this or that. It is not always language so much as it is. You know, I choose joy.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: Ok, well, one of the guys who’s involved in our book is very much a positive motivational speaker sort of fellow. And he thinks, he said something about the state of mind, that positive state of mind and choosing positive thoughts is the antidote to depression. And I said, you have to be very careful about that because there are those of us who are organically predisposed. And I am the most positive person who’s suicidal you’ll probably ever meet. I have a great attitude. You know, I have chronic suicidal ideation so I could blow my brains out tomorrow. But, you know, it’s not a matter of attitude.

Lisa: Positive thinking only takes you so far.

Frank: Yeah, it’s like saying to a parent of a child who has a problem depression and thoughts of suicide to hire a coach. A life coach. It’s like, no. And the pushback I get the most on, Gabe, is somebody will confront me. How can you joke about mental illness and suicide?

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: An overarching question, an in the macro question. How can you joke about depression and thoughts of suicide? I say, so here’s the deal. In comedy, maybe you know this, you can joke about any group to which you belong.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: Exactly. Yes. Yes. I always hate it when people tell me how to talk about myself

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: Or when people tell me how to react to my own trauma or my own experiences, like you can’t talk about your life that way. What I

Frank: What?

Gabe: I just. Listen, having mental illness. I live with bipolar disorder. And it is rough and it is tough. And society is constantly on top of me telling me what to do, how to behave, how to act. You know, this treatment is good. This treatment is bad. Anti psychiatry, pro psychiatry, med model. Just everywhere, just like everybody has an opinion about my life. And then people start having opinions of how I’m supposed to think and discuss my life. It’s bad enough you all have opinions on everything else I do. But now you’re trying to control how I think about my own experiences and explain them to others. Now, now I want to fight.

Lisa: Well, they think they’re helping.

Gabe: I know they think they’re helping, but they’re not.

Frank: The name your previous podcast was something of a bipolar? It was a?

Gabe: A bipolar schizophrenic and a podcast.

Frank: Yes, I thought it was so three guys walking into a bar.

Gabe: Yeah, we stole it from three guys in a pizza place

Frank: Yeah. Exactly.

Lisa: Well, the name of this one is Not Crazy, so if the question at the beginning of the episode is, is it OK to joke about mental illness? I think we’ve already answered it with the title.

Frank: Yes.

Gabe: Yeah, we get pushback on the title. People suck.

Lisa: I know.

Frank: So do I. I get. I just got off the podcast with the dentists, and I said, look, before I leave, let me give you my phone number, my cell phone number, and I give it to him twice, and I say put it in the show notes. And here’s the deal. The reason I do that, I do it every keynote that I do. I give my cell phone number.

Lisa: Really?

Frank: Yep.

Lisa: Ok.

Frank: I say, look, if you’re suicidal, call the suicide prevention lifeline or text HELP to 741741. If you’re just having a really bad day, call a crazy person like me. Because we’re not going to judge. We’re just going to listen.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: As a friend of mine says, co-sign on your B.S. and I’ve gotten pushback on you shouldn’t use word crazy. So, here’s the thing. I’m taking it back.

Gabe: Yes.

Frank: As gay people took back the term queer and made it not a pejorative. I’m taking crazy back because I own it. I’ve paid for it. It’s my word if I want to use it. And so, yeah, that gets my dander up. It’s, you know.

Gabe: Here, here’s the thing about comedy that I love so much. And I agree with you and Lisa and I talk about this all the time, for some reason, we’re so hung up on words that we’re not at all hung up on context.

Frank: No.

Gabe: Do you know how many horrible things have happened to me with the right words being used? Mr. Howard, I’m sorry. I’m going to have to fire you from your job because you’re a person living with mental illness

Lisa: But we’ve talked about why that is.

Gabe: Why?

Lisa: Because it’s easier. Do you know how much trouble and effort it would be to end homelessness or provide an adequate mental health safety net or suicide prevention programs? Those are hard and they’re expensive. Telling people to start talking in a different way is much, much easier and free.

Gabe: And you can do it on Facebook.

Lisa: Yeah, that helps, too. You don’t have to leave your house.

Frank: And I get together once a month, sometimes more, on a Monday with my crazy comedy klatch, anywhere from two to six of us who are all crazy. All have a mental illness of one stripe or another. And we get together for an hour. We take off our game face and we are just ourselves and say things that would. One morning somebody comes and goes, you know, a guy jumped off a six story building downtown. I go, six stories? Not a chance in hell. You could survive six stories. Just leave you a quadriplegic. I’m going at least 10.

Lisa: Good thinking.

Frank: And there’s somebody at the table behind me is like, did you just? I go, it’s a math problem. You know, you just have to reach terminal velocity. Give me a break. But that’s how you know. Somebody said something about suicide. And I said, look, if you going to die by suicide, don’t jump off a bridge and land on some poor civilian’s car and ruin their lives forever. Get a bomb vest, find some jackass and wrap your arms around him and then pull the trigger. Do, you know, make the world a better place.

Lisa: That’s actually super good advice.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: That is terrible advice and Not Crazy, does not does not condone murder in any way.

Lisa: I just can’t believe. I have spent a lot of time thinking about suicide. I have never thought of that.

Gabe: Listen, what we’re talking about is called gallows humor, it’s dark humor. Now, I am a big fan of it. In my darkest moments, the things that, honest to God, saved my life were the people that looked at me and told me jokes like we just talked about here. But not everybody likes them and not everybody understands them.

Frank: No.

Gabe: I mean, it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about mental illness, mental health or. You know, my family. OK, here’s what this reminds me of. My dad got in a horrible accident. I mean, he had to be life flighted like it was really serious. We got a call. We had to get in the car. We had to drive 12 hours because we live in Ohio. He lives in Tennessee. And we go there. And my dad is 70 years old and he’s listen, he’s beat to shit. And the nurse needed him to sign a consent form. And, of course, you know, my dad, he’s on painkillers. He’s scared. He’s in the hospital. Did I mention he was, you know, like, really physically messed up from the accident? And he’s giving the nurse trouble. He’s like, I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. And I said, you know, Dad, you need to sign that. And he goes, I don’t want to.

Gabe: And I looked my dad in the eyes and I said, if you don’t sign that, I’m going to beat you up. And there was this awkward moment of silence for like a second. And my dad just starts laughing. He just starts cracking up. He’s laughing so hard that he’s like, don’t. Don’t make me laugh. It hurts. It hurts. And he grabs the clipboard and he signs it. Now, I’ve told that story, I don’t know, a thousand times and about 50% of the time people gasp like, oh, my God, this sounds like a really serious emergency. Your dad had to be life flighted. Why would you say that to him? What kind of a horrible, awful son are you? Look, I know my dad. This is how we talk to each other. It lightens the mood. My dad thought it was funny. And listen, we didn’t have a lot to laugh at, so we had to laugh at the only thing that was in the room, which was the fact that my dad got in an accident that almost killed him and had to be life flighted and his son had to drive 12 hours to see him. I think it’s the same way with mental illness. I think that’s what we need to laugh at. I think if we’re not laughing, we’re crying.

Lisa: Humor is a way to deal with dark topics that are uncomfortable, it’s a way to make you feel better about things that are sucky.

Gabe: But not everybody believes that. How do you counterbalance that? Because in any room, especially your rooms, Frank, they’re big rooms, there’s five hundred a thousand people in those rooms. And better than average odds are, there’s a couple of hundred people that think that you’re a jackass that’s making fun of mentally ill people and you’re doing a great disservice.

Frank: Yeah, well, you know, that’s the difference between being a speaker and a comedian. As a comedian, I’m very careful. You’ve got to know your audience.

Lisa: Well, that’s really the key. Knowing your audience.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: It eliminates this entire discussion.

Gabe: Yeah, but you’re hired at corporate events. The audience doesn’t choose themselves. This makes it a little more difficult. Right, Frank? I mean, if you’re.

Lisa: Well, no, because he doesn’t actually need to please the audience, he just needs to please the people who hired him.

Gabe: Now, come on, that that’s.

Lisa: Those two things will probably usually go together, but not always.

Gabe: We’re not playing lawyer ball here, Lisa.

Lisa: I’m just saying.

Frank: Yeah, the I’ve got a friend is a funeral director, mortician, so is his dad, and they have the darkest sense of humor. I go into a motivational speech for the Selected Independent Funeral Homes. They call me up and they said.

Lisa: This is a good joke. I can tell. It’s going to be a good, good setup.

Gabe: Well, this isn’t a joke, it’s a story, right?

Frank: True story.

Gabe: It’s a true story.

Lisa: It’s going to be funny in the end, though, I can tell.

Gabe: Everything Frank says is funny.

Frank: A month ahead of time they call me. What do you call your motivational speech for morticians? And I was kidding. I said I call it Thinking Inside the Box. And they liked it so much. I had to have my first slide is, you know, Thinking Inside the Box. The son and father are hysterical. And then his dad is on a ship. I’m doing 10 days on a 115 day world cruise. And I don’t know if you guys know this, but the longer the cruise, the older the passengers.

Gabe: Really?

Lisa: Well, that makes sense. They have the time.

Gabe: I guess. Yeah, they don’t have jobs. Yeah, that makes sense.

Frank: Yeah. One hundred fifteen days, we’re talking old people and their parents. Every night, same thing for dessert: oxygen. Yeah. Did a show in an 800 seat theater, it was packed. I call my wife, honey, there was so much white hair in that theater, it looked like a Q-tip convention. So in my act I have this story about how every industry has a favorite joke. And I tell one about the grain industry. There’s one about my favorite actually is ophthalmologists and optometrists. Their favorite joke is this is my impression of an ophthalmologist or an optometrist making love. How’s that? How about now? Better or worse? One or two? Yeah. And I said, guys like if you’ve never worn glasses, ask somebody because that’s funny.

Lisa: Well, yeah, I was going to say only people who wear glasses are gonna get that.

Frank: Well, then there’s a mortician joke and the mortician joke is what’s the most difficult thing about being a mortician? And it’s trying to look sad at a $35,000 funeral. So I tell the joke

Lisa: That’s not a joke, though. That’s real.

Frank: It’s true, but I tell the joke and I say

Gabe: Well, but it is funny.

Frank: It is funny, and the audience laughs. And I say is anybody here in the audience, a mortician, retired or active duty? And a guy on the balcony raise his hand. I go, what’s a mortician doing on a 115 day world cruise? He stands up, waves his arm across a crowd and goes inventory. And it kills.

Gabe: Oh.

Frank: And I’ve been, and it’s been killing ever since. And it may be, Gabe, because he delivers the punch line.

Lisa: It’s entirely because he delivers it.

Frank: Yeah, exactly.

Lisa: Otherwise, it’s not funny. Otherwise, it’s just mean.

Frank: Yes, comedy, there’s an art and a science. Comedians should always be shooting up, not down.

Lisa: Exactly. Yes.

Frank: So if I was neurotypical, I couldn’t make any of the jokes I make about depression and suicide because I’d be shooting down.

Gabe: Right. You’d be making fun of people below you on that. Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah, making fun of a oppressed group is not funny. It’s just piling on to the problems that are already there.

Frank: It’s like, women should always win in a joke. And that’s why men shouldn’t make fun of, or minorities. It’s difficult being a white comedian. Six foot tall, brown haired white guy because I.

Lisa: Yeah, yeah, you poor dear.

Gabe: We’re sorry, Frank. At least God gave you a mental illness so you had something to talk about.

Frank: Yeah, I’m well aware of being born a white male, heterosexual Protestant in the US gives you a huge advantage. But frankly, if you have born that way in a relatively stable family and you haven’t succeeded at something, you’re doing it wrong.

Lisa: Yeah.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah, so, if you are gay or black or Mexican, you can joke about all those. Comedy is tragedy plus time or difficulty plus time. So, you know, because minorities have more difficulty. If you’re a minority, you can joke about all minorities. If you’re a white guy, not so much. So there are comedy rules and regulations that bleed over into my speaking. I try to teach my speaking coaching students this. There should not be a word in there that doesn’t serve a purpose, including moving the narrative forward. I mean, you got to be very careful how you word things, because in radio, they say it’s not what you said. It’s not what they heard. It’s what they thought they heard. And nowadays it’s all filtered, more so, I think, than in the past because of the division. You know, the right and the left and the P.C. and the preferred pronouns. And I was on campus, Gabe, at University of Montana, Billings, two nice young men drive me around to radio stations. And one of them said, you know, Frank, comics have a tough time on campus nowadays because people get offended. Do you worry about people getting offended? I said, well, if I was a comedian, I’d be worried. However, I’m here on campus to save lives. So my philosophy is. And then there’s an F and an ’em. F ’em.

Lisa: Hmm.

Frank: I don’t care whose toes I step on if it means I’m saving people.

Gabe: Exactly. It’s always to your point about everybody being offended. If people are offended, I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. And again, I want to be very, very clear. There are offensive statements

Frank: Oh, yeah.

Gabe: That go too far. But if people are sitting around discussing what you said and they’re passionate about what you said and they disagree passionately with what you said, they’re applying their critical thinking skills to what you said and determining if they like it or dislike it, agree with it, don’t agree with it. And I think that there’s power in that. If after I leave a whole bunch of people get together and discuss everything that I said, I think that a lot more people will be helped than if everybody’s like, well, he didn’t do anything. I mean, literally just it sucks to not be remembered. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be remembered for good things, Frank.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: But I want to be remembered.

Lisa: Well, but it’s interesting what you said there, that there are some things that go too far. But isn’t that your base premise, that depending on your audience, there’s not? That there is, in fact, nothing that goes too far?

Frank: Well, there’s too soon.

Lisa: Ok, too soon.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: All right. Not exactly the same.

Frank: But yeah, I think Gabe’s right. I think if you leave them talking and I have no problem with someone, who comes up afterwards and says to me, look, I have a problem with blank. And so we talk about it. Well, here’s my philosophy. Here’s why I said that. Here’s why I chose those words. Now tell me why you find that? What do you find offensive about that? Because I know I can learn things too. I mean it’s.

Lisa: Has that happened? Can you think of any? I mean, one of these discussions has perhaps led to you changing up a joke with or rethinking something or gaining new info?

Frank: Back in the day during the AIDS crisis, back in the Reagan years, a lot of comics, male, heterosexual, made jokes about AIDS because it was the gay plague. Back then, anyway. When it became affecting heterosexuals, it wasn’t quite as funny, but I told a joke in the punchline involved AIDS and a friend of mine took me aside. He goes, Look, I know you don’t have a mean bone in your body, but I don’t think you understand how devastating this epidemic is among groups and communities. And so, I think if you knew or if I can impress upon you how wrong that joke is, that you wouldn’t do it. And I dropped it immediately from my act once he explained why it was so wrong. So it has happened. It doesn’t happen a lot. And I’m very careful about, you know, getting there.

Lisa: Clearly, you’ve thought it through or you would be using the joke in the first place.

Frank: Yes. Yeah. So I am open to criticism and changing things. Like with committed suicide, I said, OK, that’s the preferred language. Or live with bipolar. That’s a preferred language that’s less offensive to some people, you know. What does it cost me to change it?

Lisa: That’s an interesting point. Yeah, that’s a good point, what does it cost you?

Frank: Yeah,

Lisa: You to change it?

Frank: But I’m with Gabe, I don’t think that should be our focus.

Lisa: Right. Right.

Frank: And, Lisa. I’m with you on this. That’s easy to do. Solving a homeless problem or much more difficult.

Gabe: Right. That’s where I am.

Lisa: Do you feel that some of the criticism you got is, you know, when I see people who are using incorrect terms, et cetera, that you feel like, OK, they don’t know any better, this is your chance to educate. This is your chance to inform. Do you feel that the thinking was, hey, if you’re going to broach the topic, you should already be at that level? Like, is that part of the criticism that people feel like you, of all people, should know better?

Frank: Yeah, I would say so,

Lisa: Would you not get that same amount of criticism if you yourself did not have a mental illness?

Frank: Yeah, exactly. And I have, as Gabe does I’m sure, that deep understanding of the. I don’t know, Gabe, if you do this, but I spend a lot of time by myself in self reflection inside my own head and.

Gabe: Of course I do. Constantly.

Lisa: That’s mental illness.

Frank: Yeah,

Gabe: That’s pretty much the only place I live.

Lisa: Yeah.

Frank: Well, I’m driving one day and I thought to myself, I’m not going to use the term battle depression anymore because battle implies I can win. I cannot win. I can tie. Uneasy truce like North and South Korea. I can lose. Kill myself, but I cannot win. And I’ve had arguments with people, no you can be cured. No. No. For me, there is no cure.

Lisa: Right. Only treatment.

Frank: I live with it. I take sort of an aikido approach. Aikido is a martial art where you blend with your person coming at you rather than go up against their energy, you blend with the energy, take their balance. Because depression is a great power and energy. And so rather than bump up against it, I try to blend with it and move forward with it. You use that energy to continue to move forward. It’s difficult, but that mindset of rather than, you know, battling it.

Lisa: We’ll be right back after these messages.

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Lisa: And we’re back talking about whether or not it is OK to joke about mental illness with comedian, Frank King. Frank, I have been wondering, after watching some of your acts, where does your comedy come from?

Frank: I believe my comedy timing, imagination is simply the flip side of my major depressive disorder and chronic suicidal ideation. I taught a class called Stand Up for Mental Health. You have to have a diagnosis to get in, a diagnosis to teach it. I got to tell you, they were the best students I ever had. Okay, here’s a dark one. These are jokes. This is the way it came out of her head. Most comics got a whole page, and they have to like redact two thirds of it. She goes I went to see my psychiatrist. I go, Camille, what did the psychiatrist say? Well, he asked me if I was depressed? I said yes. He asked if I had any thoughts of suicide? Yes. He said, do you have a plan? I said, I have five plans. Five plans? She goes, Yeah. You want to hear them all or just the ones that involve you? It’s dark, but there’s not a word in that that doesn’t move the narrative forward. Here’s one. Tosh. She said, My boyfriend said he wanted to break up with me. I said, well, why did he want to do that, Tosh? She goes, because he wants to see other people. I said, What did you say? I said, I’m bipolar. Give me a minute. Just that’s the way it came out of her head. And here’s a deal, I can teach you to write standup comedy.

Frank: I could teach you perform standup comedy. What I cannot teach you to do is process. So if somebody said, Frank, one pill one time, never be depressed again, never another suicidal thought. The only side effect is you’re not going to process as a comedian. Then keep the pill, I’ll live with the downside to hang onto the upside. That is where my comedy comes from. And heckler lines, people go, how did you think up? I’m on the bus. I was in Cambodia. We were on busses to go to the airport to catch a plane to come home. And the woman in front of me, an older woman on a cruise. Go figure. I was doing a podcast from my phone in the seat behind her and she goes, hang up the phone. I go, it’s not a phone call, it’s a podcast, I’m working. Hang up, eh. So I went back another row, kept my voice down. Well, it didn’t please her at all. It didn’t mollify her. So we’re getting ready to get off the bus. We all stand up. I’m several steps behind as she turns. She goes “drop dead.” And where this came from, I can’t tell you. I said, given your age, I’m guessing you’re going first. People say, well, how do you think that up? I didn’t think that up. The first time she heard it was first time I heard. I have no idea. But that’s my, that’s. You don’t have to be mentally ill to write comedy or perform comedy. But it don’t hurt.

Gabe: I always hear these jokes where people say, did you have a good childhood or are you funny? You know, I’ve read a lot of books that say, you know, some of the best comedy comes from traumatic experience.

Frank: Yeah, yeah.

Lisa: Absolutely.

Gabe: And I. Mental illness is a traumatic experience. And I’m not speaking for all the listeners and I’m obviously not speaking for Lisa and Frank, but for me, the humor is all I have some days. If I can’t laugh at it, I’m going to cry. And that’s why these inappropriate and I’m making the, you know, I wish it was a video podcast

Frank: Air quotes.

Gabe: So people could see how often I can make air quotes. If it wasn’t for the humor that I can find in this, it would be nothing but darkness. And that’s the way I see it.

Frank: One last example, I had a heart attack, I was in the woods half mile up a logging trail with the dogs, I had T-mobile, so I didn’t have cell service. And that never fails to get a laugh and.

Lisa: I used to have T-Mobile, yeah.

Frank: Oh, God.

Gabe: Yeah, it sucked.

Frank: Yes. Sucks out loud. Anyway, I got back to the car. Back to the house, yelled at my wife. I’m having a heart attack, dial 911. I heard she came out, got me in an ambulance. I’m at the hospital. Here’s the nice thing about a heart attack. No waiting. Nobody gives a shippa about HIPPA. I’m in the back. And the tragedy plus time equals comedy. But the longer you do comedy, the shorter the time. I’m doing comedy in real time.

Lisa: I could see that.

Frank: That nurse says to me, I’m in great deal of pain. I’m having a heart attack. She goes, Frank, no paperwork. But I just got one question for you. And I said, I’m married, Honey, but I love the way you think. And she’s trying not to laugh. It’s like, Gabe, if I didn’t have my comedy, what would I have? She goes, No, no, no, no. Your full name is Frank Marshall King, the third. But what do you like to be called? And I said, through the pain, Big Daddy. And to this day, when I go back to Oregon Heart & Vascular and somebody sees me from that morning, hey, Big Daddy, how’s it hanging? So, yeah, Gabe, if I didn’t have the humor. I mean, if I didn’t have that way of dealing with the pain, whether it’s a heart attack or mental illness or whatever it happens to be, it’s you know, it’s just the way we cope.

Gabe: You know, Frank, obviously I live with bipolar disorder, but I’ve also had physical issues. I was rushed in an ambulance to the emergency room. I had a surgery that kind of didn’t turn out so well. And here I am in the emergency room and Lisa is trying desperately to find me.

Lisa: Well, the woman said to me, are you sure he’s here? I know he’s here. I followed the ambulance. He is here. And then she said something and I said, he is a six foot three redhead. He can’t be that hard to find.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: And the nurse said, you’re looking for Gabe?

Lisa: He’s only been here like fifteen inutes.

Frank: Well, he makes an impression.

Lisa: That actually happened.

Gabe: I do. I make an impression.

Lisa: He’s not making that that story up. That actually happened.

Gabe: Now, here I am. The rest of that is true. And Lisa is now yelling at me because I’m so popular.

Frank: No, my ex-wife would tell you, look, Frank, he had a lot. He had a lot of faults, but I never went to a party with him where we didn’t have a good time.

Lisa: I can see that.

Gabe: Now, the reason I’m telling that story is because everybody loves that story. I tell that story all the time. People are like, oh, Gabe, it’s so good that you can keep your humor. It was scary. And that helped Lisa. And, oh, that’s so beautiful talking about it in that way. But whenever I do that for mental illness, people are like, that’s inappropriate stop. And I’m like, no, wait a minute.

Frank: What?

Gabe: Why? What’s the. This is one of those, you know,

Lisa: Because it’s not as scary.

Gabe: Stigmatizing things. You know, making fun of me, almost dying from a surgery, going wrong and almost bleeding to death at home. People are like, yeah, he’s tough, but joking about mental illness, about bipolar disorder. And people are like I don’t know that you’re taking it seriously. And it’s a very scary illness. And I think you might be hurting other people that suffer from this. And I only point that out because we want mental illness and physical illness to be treated exactly the same. And I guarantee there’s nobody that heard your story about, you know, the big daddy story

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: About the heart attack. That wasn’t like hell, yeah, he was. You’re a tough guy. But then I hear some of the stuff about suicidality, depression, and like, I don’t know, maybe I don’t like this. And let’s consider just, you know, you don’t have to agree with me immediately. Let’s consider the whys of that. Why do we feel that way? And I think that will allow us to move forward. Look, humor is funny. We need it. We like it. If it’s not for you, don’t listen to it. Frank’s not for everybody.

Frank: It’s a way of breaking down barriers and having a meeting of the minds. Because a laugh is something where your minds have to meet. You have to be in the same place at the same time. You know, seeing the same thing. I tell my comedy students, paint the picture, it’s gotta be very vivid. So they can be there with you. Right there with you.

Gabe: Well, that is awesome. You are awesome.

Frank: Well, thank you very much.

Lisa: Yeah, we really enjoyed it. Where can people find you?

Frank: TheMentalHealthComedian.com is my Web site. My phone number’s there and sometime in the next, I’m guessing this week, there will be an audio book version of a book that Gabe and I are in.

Gabe: Yeah, I actually I think I’m in volume two and you’re in volume one. I didn’t make the cut, but Guts, Grit & The Grind, you can find it on Amazon. It’s a collection of stories from men about their mental health issues, mental illnesses and just the whole concept, we’ve got to give a shout out to Dr. Sally, was that men just don’t talk about their mental health enough and there’s getting to be more men. But I like to joke that I got into this business because it was predominantly women.

Frank: Yes. And Sarah Gaer, whose idea it was and who teaches QPR to first responders, mostly men. She went to the bookstore to find a book on men’s mental health, couldn’t find one. Went on Amazon, couldn’t find one. So she

Gabe: Here we go.

Frank: She put it together. Yes. And if you go to my website, sometime in the next week or so, they’ll be a, put your email in, and you get a free copy of the audio book that I voiced.

Gabe: Nice. Nice. If you want to hear Frank’s voice even more, you know what to do. That would be awesome, Frank. It’s always fun.

Lisa: Oh, thank you again so much.

Frank: Oh, my pleasure. Bye-bye guys, you all be good.

Lisa: All right, thank you, bye-bye.

Gabe: Uh-huh, bye-bye. Lisa, what do you think? You didn’t say a whole lot. I mean, it is probably hard with Gabe and Frank on the line.

Lisa: Well, I thought he raised some interesting points. I thought his comedy was pretty funny, that was good. If I were at a conference, I’d want to go see that.

Gabe: Well, you know that that’s interesting because when you started off talking, I thought you were gonna say this sucks. I don’t think we should joke about mental illness. But then you ended with if we were at a conference, I’d want to go see it. It sounds like you’re conflicted, like you’re not sure.

Lisa: No.

Gabe: Whether this is okay or not.

Lisa: Well, I would say that the broader question of is comedy about bad things okay or not has a lot of gray in it. I think that humor and laughter is a recognizable way to deal with dark things. I use it myself. Almost everyone I know uses it. I think this is a universal part of the human condition. We all use humor to get through dark times or to address dark subjects. So, if this is something that you’re uncomfortable with, once he is laughing at his own mental illness, that indicates to the audience that it’s okay to laugh. He’s comfortable with it. So we’re comfortable with it.

Gabe: Lisa, you and I have been friends for forever, and I know that you like gallows humor. I know that you like dark humor.

Lisa: I do, I really do.

Gabe: We both like it. But I noticed that when Frank was telling some of the darker jokes and I mean, he just popped out of nowhere. You looked uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable.

Lisa: I don’t know that I’m so much uncomfortable, as just surprised and you’re not sure how to react. You know, like, what do I do? What do I say? What comes next? And, today, whoa, he just went straight for it. There’s no lead up, no buildup. I think maybe that’s what it was. It was just it’s so shocking to be right in front of your face so fast.

Gabe: But let’s say that I did that. Let’s say you and I were we’re sitting in my living room, it’s 3:00 in the morning and I just I pop that joke. Would you know what to say then?

Lisa: Well, it’s different.

Gabe: Would you have laughed?

Lisa: Yeah, but it’s different when you’re with someone you literally know. I’ve met this man for the first time just now.

Gabe: But why? I think that’s an interesting concept, because kind of what you’re describing is that gallows humor is okay among close friends, privately, but publicly,

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Maybe it’s not OK? I’m just curious as to why?

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Listen, I did the same thing. I laughed uncomfortably. Everybody just heard it.

Lisa: I didn’t think about that as whether or not it was one of those things where it’s more for close friends and family or. But that’s not really a practical way to go about things just because most of my friends and family just aren’t that funny. So if I want to hear said humor, I’m gonna have to turn to some sort of mass media.

Gabe: But you’re alone.

Lisa: Oh, okay.

Gabe: You’re doing that mass media alone.

Lisa: Well, what if I were in the audience?

Gabe: There’s no production. There’s no producers. There’s no Psych Central hovering. There’s no, there’s no recording.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: However, you reacted, is being recorded right now.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: On recordings that you don’t control. Did that impact the way that you responded?

Lisa: Absolutely.

Gabe: Why?

Lisa: And I think it’s probably, I’m assuming it impacts the way that his audience responds as well. Because you’re looking for society to tell you that this is OK or this is not OK. You’re trying to take your cue from other people as to, because you don’t know how to react. It’s so unusual and it’s so surprising that you’re just not sure what to do.

Gabe: Isn’t this what gets us in trouble, though? Listen to what you just said. You’re looking around to take your cues from society to decide how you should react. Now, let’s put that in an analogy for people living with mental illness, maybe the guy that you meet with bipolar disorder, you don’t have a problem with it until all of your friends and family say, whoa hoo hoo hoo hoo. You should

Lisa: Oh.

Gabe: Not date him. He’s mentally ill. So you look around to society to decide how to react. And suddenly the guy with bipolar disorder can’t have friends or get a job or have a shot because everybody is sharing in the same nucleus of misinformation. You had an opportunity to laugh at a joke that I know you find funny. I had an opportunity to laugh at a joke that I know that I found funny. And we opted to skip it because we weren’t sure how our listeners would react.

Lisa: Well,

Gabe: Wow. We’re breaking down walls.

Lisa: Well, OK, but that’s not exactly a fair comparison, because we do have a vested interest in how our listeners react. It’s not like we were at a comedy club with a bunch of people and who cares what they think of us. We care very much about what the people listening are thinking. So I don’t think that’s exactly a fair analogy. So let’s use that analogy, though, where. Yeah, that’s a good point. If it was just about a bunch of strangers or about the larger society and not people who, you know, control the purse strings, we would in fact be saying, yeah. You’re right. That is part of the culture of discrimination. I had not thought of it that way. Good point.

Gabe: Obviously, we’ve talked about a lot. I like this type of humor because if it wasn’t for this type of humor, I don’t know that how I would have gotten through. And I do embrace humor is healthy. I do think that sometimes joking about it breaks down barriers. It’s like the analogy that I told about my dad. There are people who are horrified to hear this story. I’m sure that some of them are listening right now. But it’s my dad. And we talk to each other that way. He would say the same thing to me if I was in that situation. And we’d laugh together and we’d cry together and we’d be a family together. And maybe you shouldn’t walk up to a stranger and threaten to beat them up. I kind of agree with that. But.

Lisa: Well, of course, you agree with that. Everything is in context.

Gabe: And there. There is my big point, I think that sometimes people miss the context of some of Frank’s jokes or some of the jokes that I tell as a speaker. Where people say, you know, that’s not something that you should joke about. But the context is education. The context is bringing it out of the shadows and making it something that we can point at, laugh at, discuss and will not be afraid of. If we’re paying attention to the context, I think a guy

Lisa: Well, but.

Gabe: Like Frank is perfectly fine. If we pay attention to the words, m aybe Frank has gone too far. I am on the all discussion is good discussion bandwagon.

Lisa: Ok, but that same thing could be said about any controversial comedian or any controversial comedy subject. It’s all about the context. We would never have any of this criticism of someone’s material ever if they knew for sure the people in the audience would be okay with it. You know, it’s all about deciding if this particular group of people is comfortable with this humor or not. And I can see I know what it is you’re going to say. You’re going to say that if they’re not comfortable with it, we need to make them comfortable with it. And one of the ways we do that is exposure.

Gabe: I think that is a good point, but I wasn’t going to say that at all. What I was going to say is that people have a right to discuss their lives and their trauma and their mental illness in any way they want. And while you may not agree with Frank or even find Frank funny or like Frank or I don’t know why I’m shitting all over Frank, all of a sudden. We love him. We had him on our show. But I think the solution here is to understand that Frank is describing his journey in the way that he is comfortable with. And if you don’t like it, don’t listen. What I worry about is when people say, listen, you have a mental illness, but you can only talk about your mental illness this way. You can only describe your experience in this manner. You can only describe your trauma using these words. I think that really creates a system where people can’t define their own recovery and their own existence. And people can’t be who they want. Yeah, I’m well aware of controversial comedians that that say all kinds of horrific things, but they’re saying them about other people. They’re not saying them about their selves.

Lisa: Well, yeah. That’s why.

Gabe: One of the things that I love about Frank is that Frank discusses his own life. And yeah, some people don’t like the way that he does it. But I gotta tell you, I’ve been in his audience. The majority of the people love it. It just seems like the people who don’t like it are really loud.

Lisa: Well, you would prefer they just weren’t there at all. Everyone has kind of the inalienable right to define their own narrative, to discuss their own thing the way they want to, to put it into the words they choose. And I want to just go with that. I want to just be done there and just stop. Full stop. Done. But then I start thinking well, but, how far does that go? I get that you have mental illness and therefore you kind of have the permission slip to talk about this. But there is a non-zero point where I would say, OK, stop it.

Gabe: Well, but I think that what you’re discussing is that you don’t want Frank to tell you what to do with your life. And that’s the great thing about Frank King. His comedy is very personal. He only talks about his experiences, his life. I’ve never seen Frank say I am a person living with depression. And here’s what every single person with depression needs to do. I don’t know what the joke at the end of that would be, but yeah, yeah, I’d show right up and I’d be like, dude, you’re not the elected spokesperson for people with depression.

Lisa: But that’s why people would critique it, because there’s a finite number of spokespeople. There are so few voices out there representing us that when one of them says the following thing, that is extra damaging. It’s not like there’s a thousand of these people out there. There’s only a handful. So I think many people feel like you need to tightly control that narrative. If they feel that narrative is incorrect or damaging and other people see that. And he has that cover of, hey, he’s mentally ill. You can’t criticize the way he talks about it, because, after all, it’s his own experience. But they feel that that is damaging to the overall movement. So I don’t know where to go with that.

Gabe: Well, but people can critique it and say that isn’t their experience, but it is, in fact, Frank’s.

Lisa: OK.

Gabe: I can tell you that being a mental health speaker, I’m not a mental health comedian. I’m a mental health speaker and I don’t even have the mental health speaker dot com. So I don’t know.

Lisa: Well, that was a clear oversight.

Gabe: Yeah, I don’t know where that leaves me. But I can tell you, being a mental health speaker, I love it when people tell me I’m wrong. I love it when I get emails where people tell me that I missed the mark. I love it when people are discussing the things that I say. Being a podcaster or I feel the same way. Respectful emails where people are like, Gabe, I listened to your whole podcast. I listened to your point of view and you are completely wrong. Mental Health Month is in fact, incredible. You shouldn’t have insulted in any way. It is only goodness. I listened to everything that you say. I completely disagree with you. You, sir, are wrong. That is my favorite email ever. They listened to what I said. They considered everything that I said and they are now putting out in the world that Gabe Howard is wrong. There is nothing wrong with that. We should be very, very clear. I just want to take a moment. Frank is not doing any of these things. We’re just using him as a

Lisa: Well, yeah, because he’s the one who’s here right now.

Gabe: Yeah, he was just dumb enough to come on the show. I bet he’s rethinking that now that he’s listening to it.

Lisa: Yeah, we’re gonna have trouble getting guests after this.

Gabe: But seriously, these discussions are powerful. Right, Lisa, I understand what you’re saying.

Lisa: Yes.

Gabe: You don’t want to be on the Gabe train because then it’s all one way or all another.

Lisa: Because where’s the line?

Gabe: I’m telling you, there isn’t a line. It would be nice if we lived in a world where this is the stuff that was appropriate. And this is the stuff that was inappropriate. That world does not exist. I feel very strongly that the best we can do is allow for respectful dialog and respectful disagreement. I think that mental health advocacy would move forward at an extraordinarily rapid rate if all the people who disagreed could get on board, find the stuff we have in common and push that forward. Because, listen, we’re never going to agree. The way that a middle aged white guy experiences bipolar disorder is j ust different than a 70 year old woman who’s been living with bipolar disorder, which is different than 20 year olds who are being diagnosed, which is different from people below the poverty line, above the poverty line.

Lisa: Yeah, we get it. It’s all different. Everyone’s different, yes.

Gabe: I just I haven’t even scratched the surface of differences yet. I know that you think that I’m just going on and on and on and on and on. But you know as well as I do that I haven’t even covered one percent of all of the differences with people bipolar disorder.

Lisa: Well, obviously not. Because all of the people with bipolar disorder represent all of the available differences in the population.

Gabe: Exactly. This applies to more than just mental health.

Lisa: Yeah, It’s a broadly applicable discussion.

Gabe: And I really wanted to remind my listeners that, you know, so often people living with mental illness feel that the bar is different for us. And it is.

Lisa: Yeah, it is.

Gabe: The bar is different for us. But, you know, sometimes the bar is exactly the same. It’s exactly the same as everybody else. People are trying to decide the best way to discuss all kinds of controversial topics, scary topics, misunderstood topics. And they’re all running into the same problems that people who are advocating on behalf of people living with mental illness are running into. It is one of the things that bind us. It’s difficult to know how to get the word out there, because as sure as I’m sitting here, you’re going to step on somebody’s toes.

Lisa: Yeah. Here, here. Gabe.

Gabe: Lisa, did you have fun?

Lisa: Yes. A real treat to have Frank with us today.

Gabe: It was really, really awesome. Now, Lisa, you have seven days to come up with a new way to start the show. If you say hi, I am Lisa, I.

Lisa: It’s hard. I need help here, people, help me, help me. Give me some advice.

Gabe: Really? You want people to e-mail [email protected] to tell an experienced podcaster how to start her own show?

Lisa: Yes, I feel that people should definitely e-mail [email protected] to let us know what it is I should be saying.

Gabe: You heard the lady; I’m not going to argue with her. Listen up, everybody. Here’s what I need you to do. If you love the show, please give us as many stars as humanly possible. Use your words and write about how much you loved us. Words really, really help. And share us on social media. Use your words there too. Really this whole thing comes down to using positive words to share us and subscribe and to make us famous. Like, wouldn’t it be cool if we were as famous as Frank King,

Lisa: Oh.

Gabe: at mental health comedian dot com?

Lisa: I believe that’s TheMentalHealthComedian.com, Gabe. He’s just not a mental health comedian. He is the mental health comedian.

Gabe: Once again, thank you, Frank. Thanks, everybody, for listening. And we will see you next Tuesday.

Lisa: Bye. See you then.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to the Not Crazy Podcast from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. Want to see Gabe and me in person? Not Crazy travels well. Have us record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

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Podcast: Joking About Suicide: Is It Ever Okay?

What do you think? Is joking about suicide too heavy? Or is humor a good coping mechanism? Join us for an in-depth discussion on gallows humor.

(Transcript Available Below)

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Guest Information for ‘Frank King — Joking and Suicide’ Podcast Episode

Frank King, Suicide Prevention speaker and Trainer was a writer for The Tonight Show for 20 years.

A Motivational Public Speaker who uses his life lessons to start the conversation giving people permission to give voice to their feelings and experiences surrounding depression and suicide.

And doing it by coming out, as it were, and standing in his truth, and doing it with humor.

He believes that where there is humor there is hope, where there is laughter there is life, nobody dies laughing. The right person, at the right time, with the right information, can save a life.

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Computer Generated Transcript for “Frank King- Joking and Suicide” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Gabe: Hey, everybody, and welcome to the Not Crazy Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me, as always, is Lisa. Lisa, do you have a new beginning this week?

Lisa: Oh, you totally ruined my thing. I was gonna do hi, I’m Lisa, but like in a cute voice.

Gabe: You think using like a different inflection, but the exact same words is a new introduction for you?

Lisa: Yes, I’m going to do different inflections.

Gabe: That’s terrible.

Lisa: I’ve been thinking about it for a full seven days.

Gabe: And there’s your trigger warning, folks, and after we’re done talking to Frank. Lisa and I will be back to tell you our thoughts, you know, behind his back.

Lisa: And recorded, so not really behind his back. He could still listen to it.

Gabe: I’m glad you told me that, because

Lisa: You forgot?

Gabe: Yeah, yeah, that just yeah.

Lisa: Yeah.

Gabe: I often forget that people are listening

Lisa: Really?

Gabe: No. No, never.

Frank: Thanks, Gabe. Thanks for the warm welcome.

Lisa: Oh, thank you for being here.

Gabe: Are you glad you said yes?

Frank: Huh, do you want me to be honest or kind?

Lisa: Too soon to say.

Frank: No, I’m delighted to be here. Glad we could find a time to do this, although I haven’t got another booking till May 2021, so I got plenty of time.

Gabe: COVID has slowed us all down. Frank, you’re a mental health comedian. That’s literally how you describe yourself. Frank King, the mental health comedian. Why? Can you tell us about that?

Lisa: Oh, I didn’t know that was the thing.

Frank: I didn’t either.

Gabe: Can you get a job in that or did you have to fall back on comedy?

Gabe: Yeah. Very cool.

Frank: And so I

Lisa: Yeah, I watched it when I was a kid.

Lisa: Aww.

Gabe: Frank, I love that story and that, of course, answers the second part, how you became a comedian, but why mental health? Why a mental health comedian?

Frank: Well, we’ll get there.

Gabe: Get there faster, Frank.

Lisa: Don’t, don’t.

Gabe: That’s what I’m telling you.

Frank: I see, okay.

Lisa: Don’t, Gabe. It’s just like with you, if you try to make him go faster, he’ll go slower. Just think Zen.

Frank: Yeah,

Lisa: Be chill.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: See all these years, that’s why I let you talk, because otherwise it takes longer.

Gabe: That’s so sweet.

Frank: I did amateur night for about a year, and then I won a contest in San Diego. Said to my girlfriend, now my wife of 32 years.

Lisa: Oh.

Gabe: Wow.

Gabe: Now, generally speaking, when people are homeless, I think maybe they’re not so good at what they’re doing. But?

Lisa: It’s apparently a different type of industry.

Lisa: Well, but in absolute value, that’s a, that’s a big up.

Gabe: I mean, six is a bigger number than one, congratulations.

Lisa: There you go. Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah, I was also thinking whoa whoa, did not see that coming. All right.

Frank: Yeah, and it is there on purpose.

Frank: Well, I had a mental health act at that point when he actually said that. So I just, as many comics do,

Lisa: Ok.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: But they didn’t want to hire me because I used the term committed suicide.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Positive thinking only takes you so far.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: Exactly. Yes. Yes. I always hate it when people tell me how to talk about myself

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: Or when people tell me how to react to my own trauma or my own experiences, like you can’t talk about your life that way. What I

Frank: What?

Lisa: Well, they think they’re helping.

Gabe: I know they think they’re helping, but they’re not.

Frank: The name your previous podcast was something of a bipolar? It was a?

Gabe: A bipolar schizophrenic and a podcast.

Frank: Yes, I thought it was so three guys walking into a bar.

Gabe: Yeah, we stole it from three guys in a pizza place

Frank: Yeah. Exactly.

Lisa: Well, the name of this one is Not Crazy, so if the question at the beginning of the episode is, is it OK to joke about mental illness? I think we’ve already answered it with the title.

Frank: Yes.

Gabe: Yeah, we get pushback on the title. People suck.

Lisa: I know.

Lisa: Really?

Frank: Yep.

Lisa: Ok.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: As a friend of mine says, co-sign on your B.S. and I’ve gotten pushback on you shouldn’t use word crazy. So, here’s the thing. I’m taking it back.

Gabe: Yes.

Frank: No.

Lisa: But we’ve talked about why that is.

Gabe: Why?

Gabe: And you can do it on Facebook.

Lisa: Yeah, that helps, too. You don’t have to leave your house.

Lisa: Good thinking.

Lisa: That’s actually super good advice.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: That is terrible advice and Not Crazy, does not does not condone murder in any way.

Lisa: I just can’t believe. I have spent a lot of time thinking about suicide. I have never thought of that.

Frank: No.

Lisa: Humor is a way to deal with dark topics that are uncomfortable, it’s a way to make you feel better about things that are sucky.

Frank: Yeah, well, you know, that’s the difference between being a speaker and a comedian. As a comedian, I’m very careful. You’ve got to know your audience.

Lisa: Well, that’s really the key. Knowing your audience.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: It eliminates this entire discussion.

Gabe: Yeah, but you’re hired at corporate events. The audience doesn’t choose themselves. This makes it a little more difficult. Right, Frank? I mean, if you’re.

Lisa: Well, no, because he doesn’t actually need to please the audience, he just needs to please the people who hired him.

Gabe: Now, come on, that that’s.

Lisa: Those two things will probably usually go together, but not always.

Gabe: We’re not playing lawyer ball here, Lisa.

Lisa: I’m just saying.

Lisa: This is a good joke. I can tell. It’s going to be a good, good setup.

Gabe: Well, this isn’t a joke, it’s a story, right?

Frank: True story.

Gabe: It’s a true story.

Lisa: It’s going to be funny in the end, though, I can tell.

Gabe: Everything Frank says is funny.

Gabe: Really?

Lisa: Well, that makes sense. They have the time.

Gabe: I guess. Yeah, they don’t have jobs. Yeah, that makes sense.

Lisa: Well, yeah, I was going to say only people who wear glasses are gonna get that.

Lisa: That’s not a joke, though. That’s real.

Frank: It’s true, but I tell the joke and I say

Gabe: Well, but it is funny.

Gabe: Oh.

Frank: And I’ve been, and it’s been killing ever since. And it may be, Gabe, because he delivers the punch line.

Lisa: It’s entirely because he delivers it.

Frank: Yeah, exactly.

Lisa: Otherwise, it’s not funny. Otherwise, it’s just mean.

Frank: Yes, comedy, there’s an art and a science. Comedians should always be shooting up, not down.

Lisa: Exactly. Yes.

Frank: So if I was neurotypical, I couldn’t make any of the jokes I make about depression and suicide because I’d be shooting down.

Gabe: Right. You’d be making fun of people below you on that. Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah, making fun of a oppressed group is not funny. It’s just piling on to the problems that are already there.

Lisa: Yeah, yeah, you poor dear.

Gabe: We’re sorry, Frank. At least God gave you a mental illness so you had something to talk about.

Lisa: Yeah.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Hmm.

Frank: I don’t care whose toes I step on if it means I’m saving people.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: But I want to be remembered.

Frank: Well, there’s too soon.

Lisa: Ok, too soon.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: All right. Not exactly the same.

Lisa: Has that happened? Can you think of any? I mean, one of these discussions has perhaps led to you changing up a joke with or rethinking something or gaining new info?

Lisa: Clearly, you’ve thought it through or you would be using the joke in the first place.

Lisa: That’s an interesting point. Yeah, that’s a good point, what does it cost you?

Frank: Yeah,

Lisa: You to change it?

Frank: But I’m with Gabe, I don’t think that should be our focus.

Lisa: Right. Right.

Frank: And, Lisa. I’m with you on this. That’s easy to do. Solving a homeless problem or much more difficult.

Gabe: Right. That’s where I am.

Frank: Yeah, I would say so,

Lisa: Would you not get that same amount of criticism if you yourself did not have a mental illness?

Gabe: Of course I do. Constantly.

Lisa: That’s mental illness.

Frank: Yeah,

Gabe: That’s pretty much the only place I live.

Lisa: Yeah.

Lisa: Right. Only treatment.

Lisa: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Frank: Yeah, yeah.

Lisa: Absolutely.

Frank: Air quotes.

Gabe: So people could see how often I can make air quotes. If it wasn’t for the humor that I can find in this, it would be nothing but darkness. And that’s the way I see it.

Frank: One last example, I had a heart attack, I was in the woods half mile up a logging trail with the dogs, I had T-mobile, so I didn’t have cell service. And that never fails to get a laugh and.

Lisa: I used to have T-Mobile, yeah.

Frank: Oh, God.

Gabe: Yeah, it sucked.

Lisa: I could see that.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: And the nurse said, you’re looking for Gabe?

Lisa: He’s only been here like fifteen inutes.

Frank: Well, he makes an impression.

Lisa: That actually happened.

Gabe: I do. I make an impression.

Lisa: He’s not making that that story up. That actually happened.

Gabe: Now, here I am. The rest of that is true. And Lisa is now yelling at me because I’m so popular.

Frank: No, my ex-wife would tell you, look, Frank, he had a lot. He had a lot of faults, but I never went to a party with him where we didn’t have a good time.

Lisa: I can see that.

Frank: What?

Gabe: Why? What’s the. This is one of those, you know,

Lisa: Because it’s not as scary.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: Well, that is awesome. You are awesome.

Frank: Well, thank you very much.

Lisa: Yeah, we really enjoyed it. Where can people find you?

Frank: TheMentalHealthComedian.com is my Web site. My phone number’s there and sometime in the next, I’m guessing this week, there will be an audio book version of a book that Gabe and I are in.

Gabe: Here we go.

Frank: She put it together. Yes. And if you go to my website, sometime in the next week or so, they’ll be a, put your email in, and you get a free copy of the audio book that I voiced.

Gabe: Nice. Nice. If you want to hear Frank’s voice even more, you know what to do. That would be awesome, Frank. It’s always fun.

Lisa: Oh, thank you again so much.

Frank: Oh, my pleasure. Bye-bye guys, you all be good.

Lisa: All right, thank you, bye-bye.

Gabe: Uh-huh, bye-bye. Lisa, what do you think? You didn’t say a whole lot. I mean, it is probably hard with Gabe and Frank on the line.

Lisa: Well, I thought he raised some interesting points. I thought his comedy was pretty funny, that was good. If I were at a conference, I’d want to go see that.

Lisa: No.

Gabe: Whether this is okay or not.

Gabe: Lisa, you and I have been friends for forever, and I know that you like gallows humor. I know that you like dark humor.

Lisa: I do, I really do.

Gabe: We both like it. But I noticed that when Frank was telling some of the darker jokes and I mean, he just popped out of nowhere. You looked uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable.

Gabe: But let’s say that I did that. Let’s say you and I were we’re sitting in my living room, it’s 3:00 in the morning and I just I pop that joke. Would you know what to say then?

Lisa: Well, it’s different.

Gabe: Would you have laughed?

Lisa: Yeah, but it’s different when you’re with someone you literally know. I’ve met this man for the first time just now.

Gabe: But why? I think that’s an interesting concept, because kind of what you’re describing is that gallows humor is okay among close friends, privately, but publicly,

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Maybe it’s not OK? I’m just curious as to why?

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Listen, I did the same thing. I laughed uncomfortably. Everybody just heard it.

Gabe: But you’re alone.

Lisa: Oh, okay.

Gabe: You’re doing that mass media alone.

Lisa: Well, what if I were in the audience?

Gabe: There’s no production. There’s no producers. There’s no Psych Central hovering. There’s no, there’s no recording.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: However, you reacted, is being recorded right now.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: On recordings that you don’t control. Did that impact the way that you responded?

Lisa: Absolutely.

Gabe: Why?

Lisa: Oh.

Lisa: Well,

Gabe: Wow. We’re breaking down walls.

Lisa: Well, of course, you agree with that. Everything is in context.

Lisa: Well, but.

Gabe: Like Frank is perfectly fine. If we pay attention to the words, m aybe Frank has gone too far. I am on the all discussion is good discussion bandwagon.

Lisa: Well, yeah. That’s why.

Gabe: Well, but people can critique it and say that isn’t their experience, but it is, in fact, Frank’s.

Lisa: OK.

Lisa: Well, that was a clear oversight.

Lisa: Well, yeah, because he’s the one who’s here right now.

Gabe: Yeah, he was just dumb enough to come on the show. I bet he’s rethinking that now that he’s listening to it.

Lisa: Yeah, we’re gonna have trouble getting guests after this.

Gabe: But seriously, these discussions are powerful. Right, Lisa, I understand what you’re saying.

Lisa: Yes.

Gabe: You don’t want to be on the Gabe train because then it’s all one way or all another.

Lisa: Because where’s the line?

Lisa: Yeah, we get it. It’s all different. Everyone’s different, yes.

Lisa: Well, obviously not. Because all of the people with bipolar disorder represent all of the available differences in the population.

Gabe: Exactly. This applies to more than just mental health.

Lisa: Yeah, It’s a broadly applicable discussion.

Gabe: And I really wanted to remind my listeners that, you know, so often people living with mental illness feel that the bar is different for us. And it is.

Lisa: Yeah, it is.

Lisa: Yeah. Here, here. Gabe.

Gabe: Lisa, did you have fun?

Lisa: Yes. A real treat to have Frank with us today.

Gabe: It was really, really awesome. Now, Lisa, you have seven days to come up with a new way to start the show. If you say hi, I am Lisa, I.

Lisa: It’s hard. I need help here, people, help me, help me. Give me some advice.

Gabe: Really? You want people to e-mail [email protected] to tell an experienced podcaster how to start her own show?

Lisa: Yes, I feel that people should definitely e-mail [email protected] to let us know what it is I should be saying.

Lisa: Oh.

Gabe: at mental health comedian dot com?

Lisa: I believe that’s TheMentalHealthComedian.com, Gabe. He’s just not a mental health comedian. He is the mental health comedian.

Gabe: Once again, thank you, Frank. Thanks, everybody, for listening. And we will see you next Tuesday.

Lisa: Bye. See you then.

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Podcast: Joking About Suicide: Is It Ever Okay?

What do you think? Is joking about suicide too heavy? Or is humor a good coping mechanism? Join us for an in-depth discussion on gallows humor.

(Transcript Available Below)

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And Please Remember to Rate & Review Us!

Guest Information for ‘Frank King — Joking and Suicide’ Podcast Episode

Frank King, Suicide Prevention speaker and Trainer was a writer for The Tonight Show for 20 years.

A Motivational Public Speaker who uses his life lessons to start the conversation giving people permission to give voice to their feelings and experiences surrounding depression and suicide.

And doing it by coming out, as it were, and standing in his truth, and doing it with humor.

He believes that where there is humor there is hope, where there is laughter there is life, nobody dies laughing. The right person, at the right time, with the right information, can save a life.

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Computer Generated Transcript for “Frank King- Joking and Suicide” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Gabe: Hey, everybody, and welcome to the Not Crazy Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me, as always, is Lisa. Lisa, do you have a new beginning this week?

Lisa: Oh, you totally ruined my thing. I was gonna do hi, I’m Lisa, but like in a cute voice.

Gabe: You think using like a different inflection, but the exact same words is a new introduction for you?

Lisa: Yes, I’m going to do different inflections.

Gabe: That’s terrible.

Lisa: I’ve been thinking about it for a full seven days.

Gabe: And there’s your trigger warning, folks, and after we’re done talking to Frank. Lisa and I will be back to tell you our thoughts, you know, behind his back.

Lisa: And recorded, so not really behind his back. He could still listen to it.

Gabe: I’m glad you told me that, because

Lisa: You forgot?

Gabe: Yeah, yeah, that just yeah.

Lisa: Yeah.

Gabe: I often forget that people are listening

Lisa: Really?

Gabe: No. No, never.

Frank: Thanks, Gabe. Thanks for the warm welcome.

Lisa: Oh, thank you for being here.

Gabe: Are you glad you said yes?

Frank: Huh, do you want me to be honest or kind?

Lisa: Too soon to say.

Frank: No, I’m delighted to be here. Glad we could find a time to do this, although I haven’t got another booking till May 2021, so I got plenty of time.

Gabe: COVID has slowed us all down. Frank, you’re a mental health comedian. That’s literally how you describe yourself. Frank King, the mental health comedian. Why? Can you tell us about that?

Lisa: Oh, I didn’t know that was the thing.

Frank: I didn’t either.

Gabe: Can you get a job in that or did you have to fall back on comedy?

Gabe: Yeah. Very cool.

Frank: And so I

Lisa: Yeah, I watched it when I was a kid.

Lisa: Aww.

Gabe: Frank, I love that story and that, of course, answers the second part, how you became a comedian, but why mental health? Why a mental health comedian?

Frank: Well, we’ll get there.

Gabe: Get there faster, Frank.

Lisa: Don’t, don’t.

Gabe: That’s what I’m telling you.

Frank: I see, okay.

Lisa: Don’t, Gabe. It’s just like with you, if you try to make him go faster, he’ll go slower. Just think Zen.

Frank: Yeah,

Lisa: Be chill.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: See all these years, that’s why I let you talk, because otherwise it takes longer.

Gabe: That’s so sweet.

Frank: I did amateur night for about a year, and then I won a contest in San Diego. Said to my girlfriend, now my wife of 32 years.

Lisa: Oh.

Gabe: Wow.

Gabe: Now, generally speaking, when people are homeless, I think maybe they’re not so good at what they’re doing. But?

Lisa: It’s apparently a different type of industry.

Lisa: Well, but in absolute value, that’s a, that’s a big up.

Gabe: I mean, six is a bigger number than one, congratulations.

Lisa: There you go. Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah, I was also thinking whoa whoa, did not see that coming. All right.

Frank: Yeah, and it is there on purpose.

Frank: Well, I had a mental health act at that point when he actually said that. So I just, as many comics do,

Lisa: Ok.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: But they didn’t want to hire me because I used the term committed suicide.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Positive thinking only takes you so far.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: Exactly. Yes. Yes. I always hate it when people tell me how to talk about myself

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: Or when people tell me how to react to my own trauma or my own experiences, like you can’t talk about your life that way. What I

Frank: What?

Lisa: Well, they think they’re helping.

Gabe: I know they think they’re helping, but they’re not.

Frank: The name your previous podcast was something of a bipolar? It was a?

Gabe: A bipolar schizophrenic and a podcast.

Frank: Yes, I thought it was so three guys walking into a bar.

Gabe: Yeah, we stole it from three guys in a pizza place

Frank: Yeah. Exactly.

Lisa: Well, the name of this one is Not Crazy, so if the question at the beginning of the episode is, is it OK to joke about mental illness? I think we’ve already answered it with the title.

Frank: Yes.

Gabe: Yeah, we get pushback on the title. People suck.

Lisa: I know.

Lisa: Really?

Frank: Yep.

Lisa: Ok.

Gabe: Yeah.

Frank: As a friend of mine says, co-sign on your B.S. and I’ve gotten pushback on you shouldn’t use word crazy. So, here’s the thing. I’m taking it back.

Gabe: Yes.

Frank: No.

Lisa: But we’ve talked about why that is.

Gabe: Why?

Gabe: And you can do it on Facebook.

Lisa: Yeah, that helps, too. You don’t have to leave your house.

Lisa: Good thinking.

Lisa: That’s actually super good advice.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: That is terrible advice and Not Crazy, does not does not condone murder in any way.

Lisa: I just can’t believe. I have spent a lot of time thinking about suicide. I have never thought of that.

Frank: No.

Lisa: Humor is a way to deal with dark topics that are uncomfortable, it’s a way to make you feel better about things that are sucky.

Frank: Yeah, well, you know, that’s the difference between being a speaker and a comedian. As a comedian, I’m very careful. You’ve got to know your audience.

Lisa: Well, that’s really the key. Knowing your audience.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: It eliminates this entire discussion.

Gabe: Yeah, but you’re hired at corporate events. The audience doesn’t choose themselves. This makes it a little more difficult. Right, Frank? I mean, if you’re.

Lisa: Well, no, because he doesn’t actually need to please the audience, he just needs to please the people who hired him.

Gabe: Now, come on, that that’s.

Lisa: Those two things will probably usually go together, but not always.

Gabe: We’re not playing lawyer ball here, Lisa.

Lisa: I’m just saying.

Lisa: This is a good joke. I can tell. It’s going to be a good, good setup.

Gabe: Well, this isn’t a joke, it’s a story, right?

Frank: True story.

Gabe: It’s a true story.

Lisa: It’s going to be funny in the end, though, I can tell.

Gabe: Everything Frank says is funny.

Gabe: Really?

Lisa: Well, that makes sense. They have the time.

Gabe: I guess. Yeah, they don’t have jobs. Yeah, that makes sense.

Lisa: Well, yeah, I was going to say only people who wear glasses are gonna get that.

Lisa: That’s not a joke, though. That’s real.

Frank: It’s true, but I tell the joke and I say

Gabe: Well, but it is funny.

Gabe: Oh.

Frank: And I’ve been, and it’s been killing ever since. And it may be, Gabe, because he delivers the punch line.

Lisa: It’s entirely because he delivers it.

Frank: Yeah, exactly.

Lisa: Otherwise, it’s not funny. Otherwise, it’s just mean.

Frank: Yes, comedy, there’s an art and a science. Comedians should always be shooting up, not down.

Lisa: Exactly. Yes.

Frank: So if I was neurotypical, I couldn’t make any of the jokes I make about depression and suicide because I’d be shooting down.

Gabe: Right. You’d be making fun of people below you on that. Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah, making fun of a oppressed group is not funny. It’s just piling on to the problems that are already there.

Lisa: Yeah, yeah, you poor dear.

Gabe: We’re sorry, Frank. At least God gave you a mental illness so you had something to talk about.

Lisa: Yeah.

Gabe: Yeah.

Lisa: Hmm.

Frank: I don’t care whose toes I step on if it means I’m saving people.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: But I want to be remembered.

Frank: Well, there’s too soon.

Lisa: Ok, too soon.

Frank: Yeah.

Lisa: All right. Not exactly the same.

Lisa: Has that happened? Can you think of any? I mean, one of these discussions has perhaps led to you changing up a joke with or rethinking something or gaining new info?

Lisa: Clearly, you’ve thought it through or you would be using the joke in the first place.

Lisa: That’s an interesting point. Yeah, that’s a good point, what does it cost you?

Frank: Yeah,

Lisa: You to change it?

Frank: But I’m with Gabe, I don’t think that should be our focus.

Lisa: Right. Right.

Frank: And, Lisa. I’m with you on this. That’s easy to do. Solving a homeless problem or much more difficult.

Gabe: Right. That’s where I am.

Frank: Yeah, I would say so,

Lisa: Would you not get that same amount of criticism if you yourself did not have a mental illness?

Gabe: Of course I do. Constantly.

Lisa: That’s mental illness.

Frank: Yeah,

Gabe: That’s pretty much the only place I live.

Lisa: Yeah.

Lisa: Right. Only treatment.

Lisa: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Frank: Yeah, yeah.

Lisa: Absolutely.

Frank: Air quotes.

Gabe: So people could see how often I can make air quotes. If it wasn’t for the humor that I can find in this, it would be nothing but darkness. And that’s the way I see it.

Frank: One last example, I had a heart attack, I was in the woods half mile up a logging trail with the dogs, I had T-mobile, so I didn’t have cell service. And that never fails to get a laugh and.

Lisa: I used to have T-Mobile, yeah.

Frank: Oh, God.

Gabe: Yeah, it sucked.

Lisa: I could see that.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: And the nurse said, you’re looking for Gabe?

Lisa: He’s only been here like fifteen inutes.

Frank: Well, he makes an impression.

Lisa: That actually happened.

Gabe: I do. I make an impression.

Lisa: He’s not making that that story up. That actually happened.

Gabe: Now, here I am. The rest of that is true. And Lisa is now yelling at me because I’m so popular.

Frank: No, my ex-wife would tell you, look, Frank, he had a lot. He had a lot of faults, but I never went to a party with him where we didn’t have a good time.

Lisa: I can see that.

Frank: What?

Gabe: Why? What’s the. This is one of those, you know,

Lisa: Because it’s not as scary.

Frank: Yeah.

Gabe: Well, that is awesome. You are awesome.

Frank: Well, thank you very much.

Lisa: Yeah, we really enjoyed it. Where can people find you?

Frank: TheMentalHealthComedian.com is my Web site. My phone number’s there and sometime in the next, I’m guessing this week, there will be an audio book version of a book that Gabe and I are in.

Gabe: Here we go.

Frank: She put it together. Yes. And if you go to my website, sometime in the next week or so, they’ll be a, put your email in, and you get a free copy of the audio book that I voiced.

Gabe: Nice. Nice. If you want to hear Frank’s voice even more, you know what to do. That would be awesome, Frank. It’s always fun.

Lisa: Oh, thank you again so much.

Frank: Oh, my pleasure. Bye-bye guys, you all be good.

Lisa: All right, thank you, bye-bye.

Gabe: Uh-huh, bye-bye. Lisa, what do you think? You didn’t say a whole lot. I mean, it is probably hard with Gabe and Frank on the line.

Lisa: Well, I thought he raised some interesting points. I thought his comedy was pretty funny, that was good. If I were at a conference, I’d want to go see that.

Lisa: No.

Gabe: Whether this is okay or not.

Gabe: Lisa, you and I have been friends for forever, and I know that you like gallows humor. I know that you like dark humor.

Lisa: I do, I really do.

Gabe: We both like it. But I noticed that when Frank was telling some of the darker jokes and I mean, he just popped out of nowhere. You looked uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable.

Gabe: But let’s say that I did that. Let’s say you and I were we’re sitting in my living room, it’s 3:00 in the morning and I just I pop that joke. Would you know what to say then?

Lisa: Well, it’s different.

Gabe: Would you have laughed?

Lisa: Yeah, but it’s different when you’re with someone you literally know. I’ve met this man for the first time just now.

Gabe: But why? I think that’s an interesting concept, because kind of what you’re describing is that gallows humor is okay among close friends, privately, but publicly,

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Maybe it’s not OK? I’m just curious as to why?

Lisa: Well.

Gabe: Listen, I did the same thing. I laughed uncomfortably. Everybody just heard it.

Gabe: But you’re alone.

Lisa: Oh, okay.

Gabe: You’re doing that mass media alone.

Lisa: Well, what if I were in the audience?

Gabe: There’s no production. There’s no producers. There’s no Psych Central hovering. There’s no, there’s no recording.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: However, you reacted, is being recorded right now.

Lisa: Right.

Gabe: On recordings that you don’t control. Did that impact the way that you responded?

Lisa: Absolutely.

Gabe: Why?

Lisa: Oh.

Lisa: Well,

Gabe: Wow. We’re breaking down walls.

Lisa: Well, of course, you agree with that. Everything is in context.

Lisa: Well, but.

Gabe: Like Frank is perfectly fine. If we pay attention to the words, m aybe Frank has gone too far. I am on the all discussion is good discussion bandwagon.

Lisa: Well, yeah. That’s why.

Gabe: Well, but people can critique it and say that isn’t their experience, but it is, in fact, Frank’s.

Lisa: OK.

Lisa: Well, that was a clear oversight.

Lisa: Well, yeah, because he’s the one who’s here right now.

Gabe: Yeah, he was just dumb enough to come on the show. I bet he’s rethinking that now that he’s listening to it.

Lisa: Yeah, we’re gonna have trouble getting guests after this.

Gabe: But seriously, these discussions are powerful. Right, Lisa, I understand what you’re saying.

Lisa: Yes.

Gabe: You don’t want to be on the Gabe train because then it’s all one way or all another.

Lisa: Because where’s the line?

Lisa: Yeah, we get it. It’s all different. Everyone’s different, yes.

Lisa: Well, obviously not. Because all of the people with bipolar disorder represent all of the available differences in the population.

Gabe: Exactly. This applies to more than just mental health.

Lisa: Yeah, It’s a broadly applicable discussion.

Gabe: And I really wanted to remind my listeners that, you know, so often people living with mental illness feel that the bar is different for us. And it is.

Lisa: Yeah, it is.

Lisa: Yeah. Here, here. Gabe.

Gabe: Lisa, did you have fun?

Lisa: Yes. A real treat to have Frank with us today.

Gabe: It was really, really awesome. Now, Lisa, you have seven days to come up with a new way to start the show. If you say hi, I am Lisa, I.

Lisa: It’s hard. I need help here, people, help me, help me. Give me some advice.

Gabe: Really? You want people to e-mail [email protected] to tell an experienced podcaster how to start her own show?

Lisa: Yes, I feel that people should definitely e-mail [email protected] to let us know what it is I should be saying.

Lisa: Oh.

Gabe: at mental health comedian dot com?

Lisa: I believe that’s TheMentalHealthComedian.com, Gabe. He’s just not a mental health comedian. He is the mental health comedian.

Gabe: Once again, thank you, Frank. Thanks, everybody, for listening. And we will see you next Tuesday.

Lisa: Bye. See you then.

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