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our-aplatonic-experience · 16 days

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it's half a question n half a vent because am trying to figure out if my experience is aplatonic/in aplatonic spectrum or it has other reasons.

am autistic, have did (dissociative identity disorder) and avpd (avoidant personality disorder). tell this because it's important for this question. (also am semiverbal so sorry for poor grammar and probably poor wording).

am aroace. but have always thought that have platonic attraction. love seeing friendship in media. include friendship (or thing that i mistake as friendship, because of my weird relationships with relationships) in daydreaming. so at first time thought aplatonic is not abt me.

but. before coming to aroace label, thought am definitely alloromantic. then understood that have misunderstood romantic attraction. that people don't exaggerate their feelings in media n verbal descriptions. (know bad thoughts bad to think that someone is exaggerating but was child n thought abt it more like abt metaphors). n other things abt romantic attraction. so understood it's not abt me and came to label aro.

but what abt platonic attraction? am not sure can feel it.

never was good at befriending. all close people came to my life because we were in the same space. n usually they started communication. when i started communication it was because have some common work or interest. have general problem with communication. can't communicate not abt interesting topics n can't communicate without solid purpose. like "need to do this n that with someone so will communicate with them" or "interested in their experience/have shared interest with them so can discuss it". autistic thing. but maybe also aplatonic thing.

have difficulties with being actually emotionally close with someone. have low empathy. but can compass n can support. but usually feel like my vulnerable parts are behind barriers. like keep distance. like there's a barrier between me n them. have a window for communication, but other parts of me are closed. communication doesn't reach me inside. can't explain better. avpd thing n maybe did thing and n partially autistic thing. but maybe also aplatonic thing. have only one person with who am actually open as a whole. n it's abt trust, not abt feelings (but have feelings to him, just not sure what kind of).

can adapt to people leaving fast. mourning a couple of days, but after that feel nothing. like "okay, go on". forget them easily. did thing, but may be aplatonic thing.

have always worried abt being bad friend. because have difficulties with starting n supporting communication, with checking on people, with remembering abt them first. need to be asked to start communicating. or have to push myself. n it's not because don't wanna talk with them or not interested in. may be interested when already am asked. may feel good during all communication. just don't feel an impulse to start it. if know they are okay, may not communicate for really long time. autistic thing, but may be also aplatonic thing.

have always known that any kind of relationship for me will be less important than work. work may mean job, activism, n so on. may mean special interests. can live without close relationships n with little-to-no personal communication n be happy. but can't live without work. without doing morally important things for me. autistic thing, but may be also aplatonic thing.

definitely feel love. the reason why thought can't be aro and why doubt in aplatonic label. (not mean aplatonics can't feel love. talk abt myself only. am trying to figure our my own feelings. am not trying to police others' feelings).

but what kind of love it is? my love is big n includes a lot of things. love the universe. love chemistry. have cried because of plank's constant physical meaning. have cried because of how world is meaningful n beautiful in its meaningfulness. love logics. love words. really really love words because they are so meaningful. love understand things. love activism. love when someone is good. love that world is built to be good. love love love it all. and love people. because are also built to be good. because are so meaningful. because have done so many great things. because are so unimaginable. hard to explain, don't have better words. and love close people in somehow same way. because they are so adorable. because they are so complicated n so meaningful n so good n so great. like reflection of all beautifullness of the world.

love to them isn't unique for me. so it may be aplatonic thing. but may be autistic thing or just me being weird thing.

but close people are special to me. but is it in a platonic way? when become closer with someone, don't feel something special until reach some point. don't feel specific attraction. communicate abt our common themes. support when they need. may be interested in topics of our communication, but don't feel something special to them. n after some point, when start communicate more frequently, start to feel responsibility. like they are a part of my life. not random strangers. care abt them n their life. feel protectiveness to them personally. can't explain better. at this point used to consider people friends (ask them to be friends, yes i do this).

n there's another point after that one. when start to wanna invite people in my home. usually ask them to be in relationships (used to call these relationships queerplatonic). it's abt trust n abt influence (their influence on my life) n abt responsibility n protectiveness. so can reproduce "standart relationships forming" model: strangers – acquaintances – friends – partners. but in some non-standart way?

also need to mention that feel sensual attraction. n use it as indicator of getting closer.

when think abt it, understand that for me friendship is like alliance? like in adventure stories. a team of heroes who support one another and move together through the plot? it's like i see all of it friendship concept. they are my allies, my team, people who i care abt and who am responsible for. have strong feelings to them. but not sure these feelings look like platonic attraction.

my favorite form of interaction is when there's a small group of my close people who talk one another n me sitting with them, listening n sometimes comment or infodump. that's why like polyamorous relationships. (know every polyamorous relationships are different n they don't have to look this way. talk abt my experience n my wishes). always introduce my partners to each other n love when they become closer. don't push them, just look n hope. no enforcement. autistic thing (need support for communication) n avpd thing, but also may be aplatonic thing.

am not sure how to consider my feelings n relationships. am not sure why feel n act this way. am not sure if it's normal alloplatonic experience, normal alloplatonic neurodivergent experience, or aplatonic experience. don't know standards.

also fakeclaim myself. think that maybe am just trying to pick up new (for me) identity, just wanna be quirky, just overthinking n so on. but it happens with every identity n every diagnosis (including official ones). (don't mean self-diagnosis isn't valid just showing the depth of my denial because for me personally official diagnosis feels like approval. a big one. n i still can doubt n deny). (any fakeclaiming thoughts are directed only to me. i would never doubt someone's identity except mine. i would never think this way abt anyone except me. you all are valid n your all identities, including aplatonic one, are absolutely valid n i feel it as strong as possible).

thank you for reading this for so long. sorry if it was inconvenient. also thank you for this blog n thank you for sharing info n helping people to discover themselves n for being so cool.

#aplatonic #aspec #apples

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mbti-notes · 3 years

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Anon wrote: INFJ here. One thing that I dislike about myself is that I am really avoidant and shy. I can't stand my ground or defend myself or others. I either doubt my rightfulness or worry about the other party yelling, beating me or overreacting.

I went to a butcher's with someone and the guy prepared us the wrong meat. The quality was a bit worse than the one we originally picked. The guy was still insisting and trying to sell it to us. Me being a pushover, accepted it easily. It was the wrong meat, but the guy had prepared it for us. And the guy could lash out and show a bad reaction.

However, the person who was with me went and confronted the guy and didn't back down, until the guy changed the meat and gave us the original good quality one. The whole time, I was worried about the butcher yelling at her or saying something hurtful. As we left, she told me to stop being weak and afraid of holding my ground, and learn to defend myself. I wish I were like her, but I clearly lack this skill and can't defend myself or others close to me, because I'm avoidant and confrontation-averse. I either don't know if I have to confront, or I'm afraid of the other person's reaction. I usually just smile and accept things.

I'm even afraid of driving and refuse to drive because I'm afraid of having to confront people for car-related or driving-related things. How can I improve myself in this manner and get thick-skinned? What sorts of steps can I take before putting myself into a (exposure) situation where I have to confront a potentially aggressive person?

__________________

Not knowing how to speak up for yourself harms you in several ways:

Low self-awareness: When you aren’t even aware of your own needs, desires, rights, and boundaries, you don’t really know yourself.

Low self-worth: What is your existence when you don’t even recognize that you and your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s?

Unable to care for yourself: When you don’t recognize your emotional needs or don’t recognize that they are important, you won’t work to fulfill them, which means that you won’t tend properly to your psychological well-being. This makes you more prone to suffering mental health problems.

Unable to protect yourself: When YOU can’t even respect your own needs, desires, rights, and boundaries, it’s a signal to others that it’s okay to dismiss you or violate you. Unfortunately, some people in this world don’t hesitate to take as much as they can from others. They look specifically for people like you because you let them get away with it.

Identify the root of the problem. Everything you think, feel, and do is rooted in fear. You have an overreactive fear reflex that leads you to always expect the worst from people. Do you honestly believe that the majority of people are violent rageaholics? People may get upset but it doesn’t mean that they’re going to attack you viciously. Is there a reason why your view of the world is so negative and extreme?

Fear is an emotional problem, which means that you have to work on your emotional intelligence. You’re trying to be smart by anticipating how events will go, which is natural for Ni doms. However, you only ever see how things could turn out horribly, which immediately activates fear. When your mind is so easily hijacked by fear and its related emotions, how can you think straight, let alone formulate a good strategy for handling a problematic situation?

Avoidance is exactly the wrong strategy because 1) it keeps you passive and stuck in weakness, and 2) you never develop the skills that you need to grow and solve this problem. To solve a problem, the first step is to confront it, then you can examine it and come up with a solution. INFJs who struggle with auxiliary Fe development usually struggle with learning social skills. If your fear and anxiety are extremely deep-seated (i.e. a result of serious past trauma), then it is also a good idea to get professional therapy. Unresolved trauma makes the process of learning new skills more difficult than it has to be, so it should be dealt with first.

When you don’t know how to do something (i.e. incompetency), it’s natural to be apprehensive because you feel like you have no control over anything. Thus, increase your social competency. Having good social skills allows you to think about social situations with more nuance and sophistication, as opposed to defaulting immediately to the most extreme scenario. Social skills are just like any other skill in that you have to study, practice, and improve systematically.

The following skills work together to improve social competency:

Emotional Intelligence: Be aware of feelings and emotions, both your own and others’. De-escalate intense emotions to keep a clear and calm head. Assess situations based on facts rather than fear, so that you can stop treating everyone as a threat and build common ground instead.

Communication Skills: Express yourself and your needs effectively. Respond to other people’s needs effectively. Ask the right questions to clarify situations and avoid miscommunication. Diffuse tension with empathy and diplomacy. Negotiate compromises.

Assertiveness Training: Know your rights, enforce your boundaries, and speak up for what you are owed. Treat your needs and goals as important. Ask for help or support as needed. Develop strategies for expressing yourself in specific scenarios that you’ve repeatedly found difficult to navigate.

Conflict Resolution: Have a strategy for dealing with conflict. Have ways to test how amenable people are to discussion and compromise. Have ways of making reasonable requests without anger or aggression. Have good contingency plans for when situations get out of your control.

Nobody is born with this knowledge. Most people learn social skills by socializing, making mistakes, and doing better the next time. The longer you’ve avoided natural experimental learning, the worse your skills will be. If experimental learning is too much for you, due to unmanageable fear and anxiety, learn on your own first so that you feel more prepared. There are plenty of resources out there. See the Emotional Well-Being section, the relevant tags, and the resources list for book recommendations on the above topics.

#infj #auxiliary fe #social skills #social anxiety #emotional intelligence #assertiveness #self worth #confidence #self care #boundaries #catastrophizing #ask

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jiangwanyinscatmom · 3 years

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[1/?] Sorry for venting. I just saw some bad takes that gave me a lot of feelings. Personally, JC stresses me out every time he comes on screen, but I don't mind it when JC fans say fan-typical things like how they like JC because he wears purple, or is grumpy, or they think he's hot, or that they ship x*ch*ng because the cql actors have nice jawlines. They're harmless, fun takes, and while I don't agree with some of them, I see where they're coming from

Hello there anon, vent away as that is what my blog is open for as I love/hate on Jiang Cheng as he is in the plot, as well as all of my beef with what has been done to him for the EN side of the fanbase! I am more than fine listening and engaging with the unsavory "unpopular" discussions of his canon behavior and this goes for anyone of course that needs an open play area. I'll try to engage with what you have sent point by point as succinctly as I can.

[2/?] (some of these are obviously crack, and I am a fan of a few problematic faves). But then there are stans that just have to put other characters down to make JC look good. Like, I think some fans take their freedom of interpretation for granted because most of these takes aren't even labeled 'headcanon,' 'ooc,' or 'crack' anymore. Stans feel that their interpretations are valid, and while they are, valid =/= canon, and they're treating these takes as canon, which becomes popular fanon.

I enjoy Jiang Cheng for what he is, however as I had said it took me another reread to get to my stance of him being the negative mirror to Lan Wangji's positive and my comfort with that for the story once I realized what purpose he served. He is only insofar tragic in regards to his circumstances, but it does not absolve him for what he is at his core (no pun, but I can make a very nice metaphor that even with a piece of Wei Wuxian in him he is still forever unable and unwilling to stand by him equally all while stagnating where as Lan Wangji is able to flourish, grow and mature with nothing of import left from Wei Wuxian in a technical sense). As for ships, I am a little dirty Xicheng whore for fun and can say there is a sense of entertainment for me making it work with two people where one is wildly ignorant and the other wildly rabid. But that is outside of what is established as canon in the work and I always try to keep the two strictly separate due to the skew fanon perpetuates.

3/?] And now, it's not clear what part of the fanon references canon JC or the canon events of mdzs. JC is an asshole; I don't like him as a person, but I do think that he's a complex character motivated by many issues (sup, YeeZY), which makes him fascinating to explore. Unfortunately, erasing his culpability also removes his agency. JC should be allowed to be an asshole character who makes his own decisions even if they're the wrong ones. He has made his own tragedy by constantly casting Wei Wuxian as the villain of his life.

Now thanks to you I will be using YeeZY to forever and now to acknowledge Madam Yu (this is your fault for the new tag). From a standing from storytelling I agree that he is complex in the Jianghu for MDZS. Where in the usual political intrigue of Wuxia, he would be the mustache twirling villain that is outright unforgivable in narration, it is by favor of Wei Wuxian's narration that has an early steeping of empathy for him. And he is not meant to be seen as ultimately sympathetic, the work builds up his hate against Wei Wuxian who tries to rationalize it all several times until he is finally unable to. Jiang Cheng is the antithesis to Lan Wangji and the false bait to get attached to in Wei Wuxian's first life. I will make the note their meeting in Yiling is lukewarm between both as they exchange nothing really in terms of conversation and all pleasantries are left in terms of Jiang Yanli for Wei Wuxian. By this point Wei Wuxian has already switched his yearnings of platonically wanting a part of Jiang Cheng's life, to subconscious romantic inclinations about Lan Wangji and the perceived loss of being in the other's life.

The very point of Jiang Cheng as the deconstruction, is that he has no passion in life despite his apparent exploits because he put a shadow to hang over himself as an excuse to say others think he is not good enough. He has no deeper motivations than pure selfishness by the end of the work and is pure frivolity that he has built up losing the meaning of his sect as a tradition. He had his agency (more than anyone I might add in the work due to his social position) that he used to build his reputation as a passive rich sect leader that has little to do with civilian problems.

4/?] And I think a JC, somehow, that realizes that he did something wrong and is working hard to change for the better and gain self-actualization to become that UWU best jiujiu the stans want him to be, who is ready to talk (not yell at) with WWX, apologize to him, and create a better, healthier relationship with him is a much more powerful reconciliation and happy ending than 'everyone is wrong and mean and they all apologize to JC, which magically gets rid of all his issues'.

He is forced out of culpability in reconciliation because simply put, his audience do not like the reality that relationships fray and dissolve with no further resolution other than we as adults both need to move on for safety and good health. It is not acceptable in real life and fiction is allowed to place that also in it's thematic relationships. He has a small, small spark of recognition at the end of the main story, however he himself seems to choose to ignore it, as change is hard and he has never taken to that well as was foreshadowed with his dogs and the idea of sharing a space with Wei Wuxian. To write this is an awful lot of work into his psyche which is not a nice place, he is a terrible being and downplaying that to make a sugar sweet person does not work instantaneously. He is the one responsible for the entire fallout with Wei Wuxian and he hysterically realizes that even as he tries to continue to blame Wei Wuxian.

The issue that I have with his current stan culture, is that they already view him as something he is not. They play at bicycle with all of the other protagonists that have positive traits that they strip as they see fit; Good affirming loving to children adult Lan Wangji, Self-sacrificing ultimately did it all for love and care Wei Wuxian, Hard exterior but softened to who they consider an annoyance Wen Qing, Loyal as partners in their exploits on the field and always have each others back Wen Ning. They even take Jin Guangyao's persona of playing damsel and using that as a positive to soften up Jiang Cheng into something he has never been for anyone for ships.

[5/5] Also, making WWX/WN/LWJ apologize just makes them look better than JC. Like, stans supposedly love JC, so they ahouldn't be lazy and work hard to give him actual character development. Again, I'm sorry for spamming your ask. It just really baffles me about where they get these 'hot' takes (All I'm going to say is that JC was ungrateful, and WN had a reason verbally dismantle him).

They see this, but, they will spin it in any way to excuse Jiang Cheng due to the story itself showing that he was in the wrong to everyone he flung accusations at and his hate. No one but him is at fault for his spite as he had gotten his revenge on the ones that had ruined Lotus Pier and killed his parents. His own resentment pitted him against good and well meaning people that he refused to help as he mimicked his mother's words about raising their heads higher out of goodness instead of keeping low and staying self-centered. There is the underlying criticism of taking individual arrogance as self-care at the cost of others. Each point that Wen Ning makes is exactly what Jiang Cheng himself knows as he hated Wei Wuxian for being something he could not be or even wanted to be. Jiang Cheng wants kindness but does not understand that kindness to others needs to be selfless and accept the hurt that can come with that in life. He encompasses the fall from the path of buddhist lifestyle, "The Three Poisons" to Wangxian's "Without Envy" at the stories end.

[6/5] P.S. I'm not saying I want reconciliation fics, but I just feel that if stans want JC to have a happy ending, then I think that he should actively work for it. I think it would be interesting to see what force of nature would push him through a character development because throwing a therapist at him would result in a murder.

"I'm not saying I want reconciliation fics, but I just feel that if stans want JC to have a happy ending, then I think that he should actively work for it."

They do not think he has to work for it, they say his tragedy is enough, while heaping accusations against Wei Wuxian and saying his own are not enough to absolve him. Something Wei Wuxian has never denied and told all present they are allowed to forever hate him for what he had done in the past, but that they need to find a way to live in a life that is always moving on. He learned that grudges do nothing once they are absolved and it leaves you with hate with nothing else to do with it once that object is gone. In terms of reconciliation, I do not ever think that either want anything other than a distant peaceful out of each other's life set up. Jiang Cheng does not need Wei Wuxian in his life to be satisfied and never has since he used him as the handicap to hide behind to stay angry and miserable. Being without that fallback opens the world far more for him to change than him ever interacting like an old friend with Wei Wuxian ever again, if he ever had the guts to do that.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #jiang cheng #yeah I am using that tag block me if it upsets you #pokes this sorry for the length I tried #listen... only i am his trash queen

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ashintheairlikesnow · 2 years

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To that last anon, I thought you raised some really interesting points, especially on how differently society and fandoms, and by extension the whump community, tend to treat female characters compared to others. I'm kinda biased myself since I've always been drawn to reading and writing male characters (and lately nonbinary and every flavor of trans), but don't often feel a deep connection with woman in fiction. I guess a part of the way Nova is or isn't loved can come from that, but I think a big part of it is mostly from the way she seems "unsafe" to someone who is definitely a fan favorite. She is of course a survivor herself and, like Jameson, deserving of understanding for her mistakes, but maybe the fact the we never had a glimpse inside her head has a lot to do with it. I didn't like Jameson at first and I love him now because we got to understand his thoughts and feelings.

The closest we ever got to Nova was her therapy session (which was still not from her POV) and a couple really short bits way back in the beginning, so maybe that's why she's hard to relate to. But make no mistake, there's a bunch of Nova stans around here, I've seen them lol

About the whole infantilizing Chris thing though, my view as an autistic person is that it's both a complex thing and actually very simple lol. There's definitely an issue irl with babying disabled people and/or seeing us as babies/angels/cinnamon rolls too perfect for this world. BUT, I personally very much do just call every character I love "my child". There are characters ten years older than me (and a couple immortal ones with centuries to spare) that I very much do call my babies and a part of being a very invested fan is usually the whole "they can do no wrong! Murder isn't even that bad!"

So yeah, while the way other characters act around Chris can be discussed as possibly infantilizing sometimes*, I think the way we act about him doesn't have anything to do with his neurotype lol

*(I mentioned in a previous ask that this could be from having met him as a kid and their brains not updating the fact that he's an adult. Or that he needs help and support with some things that make him seem as he's being treated as a child when he's actually just getting the support he needs)

-🍄

Yeah, long before I was specific on Chris's diagnosis, when some of my regular readers were starting to ask me if he was autistic (largely because, in a lot of cases, they were picking up on stuff even I hadn't noticed was working its way into my own work yet!), people were already big Chris fans! He was adored right from his very first appearance.

I also think you really hit on a good point at the end when you note that he appears still very much a teenage boy, and that especially with nonlinear writing, it's easy to just kind of keep seeing him that way. And also, because he IS sunshine boy a lot of the time, it's easy to read that as 'childlike' as compared to the occasional cynicism or anger of the others around him.

I actually love Nova more the more I get to dig around inside her head. I've got some ideas on her brewing, but unfortunately have been far too busy to write much the last week or so! But I like her, and I think she's going to really find herself soon.

She was unsafe to Chris, for sure - but she is ALSO hurting, and badly, trying to find her way out of conditioned behaviors. She's fairly clear even when she assaults Chris that she's acting out the way she was taught to 'fix' the bad mood of the people who are important in the household - originally her Miss, and now Chris, Jake, etc. That mixes with her sort of latent crush on Chris (which is less on Chris and more on the way he seems, to her, like he's come impossibly far from being a pet) and just becomes a very dangerous combination... but not a malevolent one.

Nova is very complex - low-empathy but deeply injured and traumatized, working hard but taking the wrong direction with it at first. She likes the people in the household but hasn't figured out how to act around them quite yet.

She's not a villain, she's just not a perfect victim or survivor, she's a difficult one. So is Jameson. But I see a lot in them both that I love.

#nova asks #chris asks

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elishamanning · 3 years

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Kramer: "Well, with us... we ask ourselves, how can something like (the Leverkusen game) happen, and we notice our surroundings asking that, we on the inside ask ourselves that, sometimes we come to a weird conclusion, what, do we have two faces? But we only think that because we only look at ourselves. But what do the Dortmunders think, winning 5-1 against Frankfurt, thus German champions obviously, then they lose 2-1 in Freiburg and everybody's thinking, well, they're not that good, are they. Will Bayern show their Supercup face, or their face-against-us, or against 1. FC Köln? The Leipzigers, do they show their Mainz-face or that outstanding show they put on against Stuttgart? These "problems of consistency" when you're a Gladbach fan, or a Gladbach player, you think 'these are Gladbach-only problems', but the others have them as well. It's always a matter of how you handle it and that you don't let it... well, tear you down emotionally. The important thing is to avoid a negative spiral, mentally, because, as everybody who's ever played football will know, in the end the decisive issue is always in your head (((aaaah, that's a bad translation. It's a mental issue, is what he says.))), and it always will be." Knippi: "Completely agree. And by the way, that's not limited to football." Kramer: "Well, exactly. It's not even worth discussing, when you enjoy doing something, when you're positive about it - it's not exactly a brand-new psychological finding - it'll always turn out better than when you're negative about it. So let's not, after the second matchday, tear everything down, and let's not, after the first matchday, praise everything to the heavens." Knippi: "Did you expect that? Becoming professional footballers, all that stuff that comes with it, besides playing football, all that stuff raining down on you?" Neuhaus: "Well, it just happens, it just all happens automatically. In the end, you become a footballer because you have fun playing football, and you don't much think about that kind of stuff that comes with it. You grow into it and you learn to handle it." Knippi: "So you're not actively getting prepared for that? Because in the last podcast you (Chris) said 'that's the guys from the NLZ' So it's not part of your training there?" Neuhaus: "No, it wasn't a subject in mine." Kramer: "Well to be completely honest, looking back, I thought football would be funnier, or at least less serious, and a bit more honest. That's also why I like this club so much, because I know that here at least you get an honest basis, like, I feel understood here, I have a certain relationship of trust to, for example, Max Eberl, but I wouldn't have imagined, without spilling any beans now, that football's such a not-really-nice business. So this is one of the best things here, for me, knowing that I have an honest and trustful basis that can be built on. And I really wouldn't have ever imagined it all to be so grossly serious. Sometimes I think inappropriately serious, because football is such a beautiful thing and when you get to do it as a profession, plaiyng football, there's nothing easier than joyfully going somewhere every day. These are the best conditions to have, the working hours, just turning your hobby into a profession - everything about football is 'geil', but still you get this completely inappropriate seriousness about it making you go, aw, it's tough. That's a shame I think, I wouldn't have thought so when I started out. I always wanted to be a footballer because, well, for one it's my passion, but also I thought every day would just be fun, and I think it should be, and that in the end that would be performance-enhancing, I'm quite sure about that. (laughing, saying that)." Knippi: "What do you think?" Neuhaus: "Always hard to disagree. The gist is we're all playing football because it's great fun being on the pitch. Of course there are always periods when it's a little harder but all in all and especially looking back you always regard things much more positive

than maybe you felt in that particular moment. (I don't really understand what he's saying there), but anyway the positives should always be front centre." Knippi: "What you just said, Chris, the seriousness, I also think it's too much sometimes. For example if a team's not playing well and the people on the pitch get personally attacked/insulted. I get to witness that when I'm down there, and sometimes I think 'what is wrong with you?', like, I get being unhappy when the team that has your heart isn't doing well, being unhappy, or sad, or disappointed, I get that, but not attacking the players personally. Well thank God that isn't an issue currently, and there's no reason why it should be." Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny." Knippi: "Like how?" Kramer: "Well, because we lost 6-1 playing in the snow. I'd say I'm a good player on snow, but, well, Ronny König is the best snow-player on this planet. He (literally he says 'he put four cherries into our basket', meaning he scored four goals... as you probably would have guessed.) So then our own fans, who'd travelled to Aue on a Monday night, threw snow balls at us, and we completely deserved it. And I do think every fan is right, and has the right, to use this outlet, that they're paying money for, to let off steam. Because football, in the end, is entertainment. Only, it doesn't help. What I meant with the seriousness is the whole stuff around it as well. Football is just a game. It's supposed to be fun, but sometimes I think, looking at the newspapers, all the sociopolitical issues, and seriousness... it's still football." Knippi: "Did I just understand you correctly, you're saying it's a fan's right to pelt you with snowballs?" Kramer: "Well... it gets its down dynamic, and it's not too bad. If someone insults me, say, I don't really have a problem with that. I don't take it personally because I don't think it's meant that way. It may not be the right approach and I may not understand their motive, but... that person is angry, they've had a bad week at work, then they come here, and we play badly ("nur hintenrum" - too defensively) so they have a right to...-as a fan, of course, you have to question whether that's doing any good. We've not really had that here in Gladbach and when there were beginnings of it, we had talks with the ultras, and stuff, we're quite close to the fans, so we don't really have that issue here, but you do see it with other clubs, and close friends of mine, they have had situations where I'd really say, now this is too much (I wonder if he's talking of Leon/the end at Schalke here), and that's just not on, but generally, we are an outlet for many and football is entertainment. When you're not being entertained you're entitled to boo. I don't mind. There's just this double standard - look at me, talking again for ten minutes straight (Knippi and Flo laugh), and you have to cut it all afterwards- once again I take ten minutes to get to the point, but you can't - you want to play with a young squad, and they'll make mistakes. You can't boo them. Or you can't say you want to play with a young squad. Very simply put." Knippi: "Tommy Schmitt, your successor at 11Freunde put it quite well there, I thought. It's very counterproductive to boo and whistle." Kramer: "Yes, well, you have to ask yourself, no matter what you do - I mean when you get to the office and everybody's scowling at you, thinking 'what an idiot!', you'll feel that as a person with empathy, like every footballer, and when you're booed, that does something to you... I can promise everybody: booing a player will never make them better, not ever." Knippi: "'Snow-player' you just said. You're not a good 'snow-player'." Kramer: "I'm a GREAT snow-player!" Neuhaus: "They lost 6-1, I don't think he's that great. They wouldn't have lost 6-1, would they?" Kramer: "Well Leon, Leon Goretzka

and I, we still talk a lot about that day. I'd say, Leon and I, we both have these long levers, we really are good snow-players, on a proper layer of snow, like there in Aue. But Ronny König! He's Messi on snow. Awesome, really." Knippi: "Wouldn't it be better to have short legs and a low centre of gravity?" Kramer: "I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, looking at Leon, and myself, AND Ronny König you can conclude the tall ones with the long legs are good on snow." (very scientific, this.) Knippi: "What kind of a snow-player are you?" Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!" Neuhaus: "At 1860 we had astroturf with undersoil heating." Knippi: "Did you ever play on clay?" Neuhaus: "...and anywhere in the stadiums today. There just aren't snow games like that anymore these days." Kramer: "He's from Bavaria, they don't have clay. They just have meadows and pastures, they play on the most beautiful pitches. Here in NRW when you're playing Galatasaray Mühlheim you know what's going down? You know what's going down, playing on clay?" Neuhaus: "I can just imagine." Kramer: "You take two weeks before you can go back to school because your legs - you simply can't walk anymore..." Knippi: "You've never played on clay?" Neuhaus: "No, never." Knippi: "You don't know that feeling when your grazed-open thigh is stuck to your jeans?" Neuhaus: "Yes, well, as a little child I played on the street..." (It goes on a bit yet, but I've already fallen asleep twice and I'm not sure these "translations" are making much sense anyway, so I'll leave it at this, now, alright? Flo played on asphalt, so he knows about open wounds from football. And Knippi claims he's still got remnants of clay in his thigh from decades ago. Hehe. I'll do the rest another time.)

first of all THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH

it's always interesting to hear about a player's mindset

it's really interesting to see how an athlete's relationship with their changes over time. like to have something that was for fun and a hobby turn into your job is a pretty incredible transition. it's something a lot of people experience to an extent, but to have it on this high a level is pretty unique.

Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny."

chrikra???? please??? what is this... snowballs???

i also agree that while fans are allowed to show their discontent, it does often cross a line. idk if he was referring to something like leon's ending with schalke, but that instance of schalke fans chasing and attacking the players is something that definitely comes to mind here. i think i actually draw a shorter line than chrikra here.

Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!"

omg flo please

i do love the idea of chrikra and leon reminiscing about their old games together... my heart

anyway i love this podcast and i hope they do more of it

and thank you again SO MUCH

#answered #anonymous #christoph kramer #florian neuhaus

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omegas-spaghettios · 3 years

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Ranking MCU Captain America figures

Before I begin, I want to clarify this is about my enjoyment of these characters and NOT who i think are the best morality or power wise. I specify because I think my first two entries will upset some people and I want to say, this list is NOT in order of how much I agree with these characters' values. I have a heavy favoritism towards theme and character interaction and that is where a lot of my enjoyment from media comes from. So, let's begin.

6. Captain America: CW, IW, and Endgame

I'm separating Steve into two because around CW he starts making decisions that really frustrate me.

Now I do think there is a lot to like still! His conviction to his morals during the Accords and continuing arc about government distrust is great, his stand against Thanos in IW is amazing, he is a lot of fun to watch during the New York part of the time heist, and lifting Mjolnir was legit my best theater moment ever and i will NEVER forget it.

However, in CW he starts making some awful decisions. In CW, he kisses Sharon like, days after Peggy's funeral. While on it's own it's already kinda creepy, Endgame retroactively makes this even worse. It goes on to also have grave consequence because he and Sam asked Sharon to break the law for them and never followed through to help her, which was pretty awful of them. At least Sam tries to make it right in TFATWS, but since Steve left that wrong on Sharon never gets reconciled from him.

I also think that his decision to keep Bucky and Howard's history a secret from Tony was really, really stupid. While I side with him during the fight, the fact that Steve "doesn't like when his teammates withhold information" Rogers didn't tell Tony this then walked into a Winter Soldier facility with Bucky and Tony during the most strained time of their relationship was just begging for that conflict.

He is barely in IW and while his stand against Thanos is a great moment, his decision to not let Vision kill himself is very frustrating. "We don't trade lives" then he goes to Wakanda to let thousands of soldiers die while they try and get the stone out, really dude?

I don't think going back in time in Endgame was inherently a bad ending but things he does to make it happen really frustrates me. He shows no signs of mourning Bucky or Sam at all. And then for the sake of surprise for the audience, he never tells Sam what he's doing and that is so awful. Sam dedicates 4 years of his life helping Steve with a good portion of it being on the run. Sam was with Steve more during the present than ANYONE else. Then Steve just leaves without telling him and shows back up to drop a ton of responsibility on Sam that he didn't ask for. Now Sam is an amazing Cap but it's frustrating to see that a lot of TFATWS is fallout of Steve's bad decisions in these three movies.

5. Captain America: John Walker

Now hold on, I hate this man. I think he does some awful things, so why is he above anyone else? Just because he isn't frustrating to me, he fits thematically and has good interactions with others in TFATWS.

His character really adds to the themes and discussions of white privilege, Supremacy, as well as how the US military treats their soldiers like shit, and I think he is an interesting character to watch as he starts out edging the line of evil and by the end of episode 4 crosses it. While I think Bucky was overall a bit too chummy with him in 6, I think it was all mostly in character for them. Sam and Bucky were up against 6 super soldiers and Batroc in a highly crowded city with lots of important people, it makes sense to me that they take his help in this scenario. They also never leave him alone which indicates distrust.

I also really like the moment where he drops the shield to help the truck. He is a shitty person but he is shown as a person who at least wants to do good, even though any challenge to that he goes off the rails. It is such a black and white scenario, help the truck of innocents, and I like that he does it. It also adds to the hatred of him as a person because it shows he clearly knows better but chooses to ignore it, which makes him even more despicable.

I think it is very important that a man like him bore the title of Captain America because it reminds us all that yes, it is very easy that a man like him represents America as it is and that we need to do better than him.

I like watching him and that's why he's above CW on Steve because he isn't making aggravatingly out of character decisions all of the time and he works very well within the themes of the show.

With me loving him in the context of TFATWS, in later appearances he does have a lot of potential to drop to last pretty easily, but as of now when he just is in that show, I appreciate his character a lot.

4. Red Guardian

I kinda like this character and idk how to feel about it

He doesn't fit Black Widow very much so he is kinda low but I mean, he's just kinda fun. His story about Captain America and the USSR is pretty non-related to the others and rather undeveloped which is frustrating, and he does very little plot significant things. He leads Nat and Yelena to Melina and that's about it. He distracts Taskmaster for a while but he kinda is just getting tossed around until Melina shows up. He isn't very important.

But I do like what I see and do hope we see more of him. They never pretend he's a great person and I do appreciate that he gets called on it constantly. His knuckles having Karl Marx on them kills me and overall he's pretty humorous and fun to watch. He also has a few great moments thematically that I love. When he comforts Yelena after the dinner scene and sings her favorite song as a kid? So heartwarming. When he took Taskmaster's shield when fleeing the Red Room I laughed at his ridiculousness but it lead to a pretty great moment, when he throws the shield through the windshield without hesitation to save Melina. It's a great moment to show how he's letting go of his past and obsessions to be there for his family.

I hope we see more of him, his overall lack of importance and stereotypical behavior kinda holds him back but I see so much potential in him.

3. Agent Carter

As of today she has been in exactly one 30 minute episode, but what I see I really like. Her laughter of surprise when she takes the tesseract is really endearing, her sword and muscles and height make my wlw heart patter, and I do like the difference in her relationship with Steve in this universe, where they both are of incredible capabilities but neither are given any respect for how they were born. We get that in TFA too but I really like that it is a constant theme in this iteration while in TFA it gets dropped a bit after Steve receives the serum.

There is very little of her so I can't really put her higher yet, but given more time she very well may rise up on this list but she had an excellent first showing.

2. Pre-CW Captain America: Steve Rogers

This man is a joy.

He is such an endearing scrappy little guy in the beginning of TFA and I love his commitment to doing the right thing. He still very much acts like a guy who just gained 120 pounds of muscle during that movie and it's endearing. The way he grows into his own skin in TWS is amazing as we see him really step in to what he can accomplish physically as well as his authority and leadership.

His Whedonisms in the first two Avengers films kinda bug me, they treat him like an old man when he isn't. Biologically he's like, early 30's at most here. He grew up as a fighter in Brooklyn then served in the military, he wouldn't care if his teammates swear, but overall it's tolerable.

I LOVE this man's commitment to transparency. He struggles when allies are not transparent and he shows nothing but transparency and I love that that is a constant for him (which is why I separate him from CW on)

Everyone loves this guy and over 90% of criticisms I see for him come after AoU, and that's for good reason, this guy is so loveable.

1. Captain America: Sam Wilson

He's so good, guys

I want to talk about Sam before the suit because he is amazing before it. He runs counseling for veterans, a profession very becoming of a superhero and it speaks to his incredible empathy and compassion that is on full display. I also think the fact that he dedicated 2 years to finding Bucky is not appreciated enough. Sure he was following Steve but he still spent 2 years trying to find Bucky, a person who tried to murder him. Yet he understands it isn't Bucky's fault and tries to help him anyway. I also really like that he is the first to speak out against the Accords. He doesn't wait for Steve or anyone else, he sees red flags and he is out and I really, really love that about him.

Then I love how long it takes for him to choose to become Cap and how much he contemplates it. He has to contemplate the legacy of Steve, if he wants to wear the symbol of this country, the pressures of being a black man as Cap, the legacy that John added to it, the pressures from Bucky and the pressures from Isaiah, and also his own legacy he carved for himself as the Falcon. It's a huge decision with a lot of weight and so many people pressuring him but he takes his time and chooses what is right for him, and I really love that about him. These other characters are all Caps from near the start but he transitions into one after years of knowing him as the Falcon and I love that he doesn't take this decision lightly.

Also as Cap he's just really cool. His decisions to not take the serum as well as try like hell to get Karli to step down speak to his humility and compassion. And while many describe his speech as bland it's still uniquely him. Yes the speech doesn't solve any problems but that isn't what he's doing, he's asking America and the world to get to actually solving them and that is an aspect of him we don't see much since Steve's propaganda days, his direct relation to the public.

Also his suit and wings are just awesome, I argue his action is the most fun to watch out of any of these characters.

Anyway yeah that's the list, I know people won't agree with me so let's try and keep discussion civil, alright?

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moiraineswife · 3 years

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Jasnah Meta - The Importance of Context

AKA: PLEASE stop saying that Jasnah is pro-genocide when she is. Not. At all. In any way. Shape or form. Whatsoever.

TL;DR: Nowhere, at any point, in four ginormous books of text, does Jasnah ever say ‘you know what’s great? Genocide.’ She never even implies. It she never even actually, seriously, suggests it. Please stop saying she does as though it’s canon I lose 12 years of my life every time it’s mentioned.

AND NOW FOR THE LONG VERSION BECAUSE Y’ALL KNOW I CAN’T LEAVE IT AT THAT!!!!!

PLEASE NOTE! THERE WILL BE SOME MINOR RHYTHM OF WAR SPOILERS IN HERE. PLEASE AVERT YOUR EYEBALLS IF THIS IS A DISTRESSING CONCEPT TO YOU.

So first things first, let us discuss The Scene Itself:

“Yes. The answer is obvious. We need to find the Heralds.”

Kaladin nodded in agreement.

“Then,” Jasnah added, “we need to kill them.”

“What?” Kaladin demanded. “Woman, are you insane?”

“The Stormfather laid it out,” Jasnah said, unperturbed. “The Heralds made a pact. When they died, their souls traveled to Damnation and trapped the spirits of the Voidbringers, preventing them from returning.”

“Yeah. Then the Heralds were tortured until they broke.”

“The Stormfather said their pact was weakened, but did not say it was destroyed,” Jasnah said. “I suggest that we at least see if one of them is willing to return to Damnation. Perhaps they can still prevent the spirits of the enemy from being reborn. It’s either that, or we completely exterminate the parshmen so that the enemy has no hosts.” She met Kaladin’s eyes. “In the face of such an atrocity, I would consider the sacrifice of one or more Heralds to be a small price.”

“Storms!” Kaladin said, standing up straight. “Have you no sympathy?”

“I have plenty, bridgeman. Fortunately, I temper it with logic. Perhaps you should consider acquiring some at a future date.”

So the only time Jasnah actually brings up this concept it’s to, hyperbolically, point out that asking the Heralds to return to Braize and trap the Fused may not be the worst idea.

She’s not actually suggesting this as a valid or legitimate tactic. It’s to contrast the plan Kaladin just called her ‘insane’ for suggesting (I bet that’s gonna hurt a million times more than it already does in 900 years when we get Jasnah’s book and backstory but hey. Back on topic) and point out that, in the face of the apocalypse, this is the kind of level they have to think on.

I’ve already talked about the nuances of this scene at length here, so I’ll just do a quick summary: Jasnah is not as composed about any of this internally as she makes out to be - even what she suggests with the Heralds.

When we see her alone with Ivory, reading Taln’s repeated mantra, Ivory notes that she’s troubled. The words (and where he was/how he was being treated when they were recorded) is enough to trigger a twenty year old flashback in her.

This scene is one of the clearest moments (along with the Kharbranth thug scene, I suspect) where Jasnah’s outward projection of her internal feelings and thoughts least matches up with reality.

In spite of the inflammatory remark that sparks this all off, she doesn’t want to assassinate any Heralds. She quite clearly says she wants to “see if one of them is WILLING to return to Damnation.” She wants to have a conversation with them, understand the Oathpact, and see if any of them would consent to buying them some time. She is not suggesting they knife one of the Heralds in a back alley. That’s Moash’s job.

This is supported by what she does in canon. Jasnah is actually the one who recognises Taln and Ash and, somehow, manages to persuade them to join her at Urithiru and help. She treats them with nothing but dignity and respect in her scenes with them in Rhythm of War, and tries to find out more about the Oathpact and their options - as she said she wanted to do.

But since Jasnah is a Kholin, which means the ‘D’ in her DNA stands for DRAMA, she doesn’t say that, instead she says: “let us find the Heralds and kill them.” (I love her so much y’all. Ahem. Anyway).

But there’s method to this madness, too. Please click the ‘keep reading’ button to discover why! (have to turn my own posts into clickbait bc they’re so long I have to put in a cut to spare ur dashboards).

Jasnah likes to push people. She likes to force them to think, and consider all angles of a problem, and come to terms with their own thoughts and opinions. This is one of the things that frustrates Shallan about Jasnah in TWOK:

Shallan caught a victorious glimmer in her eye. She wasn’t necessarily advocating ideas because she believed them; she just wanted to push Shallan. It was infuriating. How was Shallan to know what Jasnah really thought if she adopted conflicting points of view like this?

-TWOK 36

Jasnah doesn’t want to brutally murder the Heralds and force them to return to their maddening idea of hell. But in phrasing it as she does, she can get an insight into Kaladin. Despite the fact we know him very well at this point, this is, this is the first time Jasnah has interacted with him on-screen, and only the second time she’s met him ever.

“That Windrunner. What do you think of him, Shallan? I find him much as I imagined his order, but I have only met him once. It has all come so quickly. After years of struggling in the shadows, everything coming to light—and despite my years of study—I understand so very little.”

Oathbringer, 33

Jasnah in that scene is deliberately being as exaggerated, ruthless, cold, and harsh as she can get away with. She’s trying to push Kaladin. She wants to bait responses from him, to get an idea of what kind of man he is, and what he stands for. She focuses entirely on him on that scene, and the reactions we as readers get see that as well.

“If you wish, Captain,” Jasnah snapped, “I can get you some mink kits to cuddle while the adults plan. None of us want to talk about this, but that does not make it any less inevitable.”

“I’d love that,” Kaladin responded. “In turn, I’ll get you some eels to cuddle. You’ll feel right at home.”

Jasnah, curiously, smiled.

Jasnah likes to be pushed as well. She likes to have people push back with her, and stand up for themselves, assert themselves, make their arguments. She all but encourages Dalinar to publicly do so in RoW.

Socially, in spite of Kaladin’s rank or status as a Windrunner, it’s probably 100% Not Acceptable to ask an Alethi princess if she wants a basket full of eels to cuddle because she is one, effectively. But Jasnah’s unphased - and even pleased - by Kal’s response. She likes that she’s seeing this from him, that he’s unguarded, and passionate, and more than willing to go toe-to-toe with her, which few people are.

Also, because I foresee potential problems in this meta that I would like to nip in the bud right now, I don’t think that Jasnah is doing this to play with people? That’s not really in her nature or who she is. There’s a purpose to everything she does, and there’s a purpose to her doing this, too.

With Shallan it was to encourage her to think for herself and form her own thoughts and opinions. Just before in that scene, Shallan asked why Jasnah couldn’t just tell her what to think and what was the right philosophy to have in life. Jasnah replied it was something she had to discover for herself - and that’s how she approaches all of their studies.

Jasnah never teaches Shallan what to think, or even what happened, despite that being the meat of her study. Instead, she teaches Shallan how to think, how to study, how to learn, how to critically reason, and how to form and argue her own thoughts and conclusions.

With Kal, I think it’s a quick and brutal way of quickly getting to grips with a new, very important, element in what’s going on in her world. Remember, too, that one of Jasnah’s most obvious aims, aside from protecting the world, is protecting her family. And Kaladin is very close to everyone that she loves and holds most dear, while she knows nothing about him.

However, something else that’s important to note, which, for me anyway, RoW all but confirmed: Jasnah has low cognitive empathy.

She’d come to realize, early in her youth, that she didn’t approach relationships the same way everyone else seemed to. Her partners in the past had always complained that she was too cold, so academic. That had frustrated her. How was she to learn what others felt if she couldn’t ask them?

Chapter 99 really was an absolute fucking gift, I mean really. Asexuality AND low empathy, all in one go. What a delight.

This little snippet can be read as her being asexual, potentially, but I actually think it reads more heavily and obviously about her being neurodivergent? And specially low cognitive empathy. Brandon says that, to him, Jasnah is not autistic spectrum, but you just keep giving me more evidence to say she is buddy!! Anyway. Diagnostic debates aside.

I would guess some of y’all don’t know what the heck I mean by ‘cognitive empathy’ (I didn’t before I researched all of this a couple of years ago).

There are two types of empathy, in strict psychology terms (and then there’s the colloquial way we use it to just mean ‘a good person with feelings’ which drives me BANANAS but that’s a rant for another day):

Affective empathy - which basically means ‘this person around me is happy/sad/excited, I am also now feeling that way. Because emotion is infectious like a cold! How thrilling’.

Cognitive empathy - is the ability a person has to pick up on/know what others are feeling without having to be told. Using tone/body language/facial expression etc etc. It’s something I, and a lot of other autistic people, are bad at.

So is Jasnah!

Her previous partners disliked her probably verbally vibe checking them every other week to find out where they were at. Jasnah was frustrated because how the heck else is she meant to know wtf?? What an absolute mood this woman is. Anyway.

This revelation/confirmation makes a LOT of Jasnah scenes make a lot more sense. Including: chapter 64, and her insistence, to the point of it almost being illogical, that she fight without her Surgebinding to try and get as clear a picutre of what her soldiers are facing as she can. Jasnah starts off that chapter by saying she’s never actually been in a war before, and states throughout that she wasn’t prepared for what it was actually like.

Her low empathy means that, without a personal context/experience to relate to and draw emotional experience from, she struggles to understand exactly what her troops are going through.

Obviously she knows that ‘war is bad, battles are scary and not fun’. But she has no way of emotionally relating/truly understanding what they’re feeling. This is one of the reasons I think it’s so important to her, despite Ivory’s chiding, to do it that way so that she can understand.

Similar thing is happening here with Kaladin. Jasnah struggles to instinctively Get Vibes from people, so she goes about things in a very scholarly way.

She does research and makes notes (see: her little folio on the highprinces (which, by the way, misses out on several important aspects of them Shallan picks up on pretty quickly by the power of Intuition), she asks questions - and she sets up scenarios that push people into blatant emotion so she can observe and get an idea of what makes them tick.

TL;DR TAKE TWO: Jasnah does not want to murder all of the Singers. Jasnah never says she wants to. Jasnah only uses it as a ‘see, asking the Heralds to go back to Damnation isn’t actually that bad now is it?’ hyperbolic counterpoint after Kaladin asked her if she was insane. Jasnah is not actually what she pretends to be in that scene. She is but a hapless gay who cannot detect emotions so she has to conduct her Vibe Checks differently from other people. She is highly valid in every way and i stan her.

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 3 years

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I was asked to search for a missing Norwegian girl caught up in the Moonies – Petra

▲ Me as an au pair in 1989.

In the mid 1980’s at the age of 21, I was an au pair in California, United States. I lived in Mill Valley, a fancy neighborhood north of the Golden Gate bridge.

In my free time I used to go to the Swedish Church, located on Hyde Street between Lombard Street and Fisherman’s Wharf, in downtown San Francisco. The church was a safe haven for au pairs and other folks from Europe who had gone out to explore the big world.

One day I stumbled into two Norwegian siblings who had come to the States to look for their younger sister. Some years before she had been caught up in a Korean cult called the Unification Church and they were very concerned about her well-being since they’d lost all contact with her.

▲ Mr. and Mrs. Moon greet the Russian president Mikhail Gorbachev and his wife Raisa. A handshake that according to the movement legitimized Sun Myung Moon as being the Messiah.

Sun Myung Moon founded the Unification Church. He passed away in 2012; he was a self-proclaimed Messiah who said he had met the biblical Jesus and now had his mandate to establish God’s Kingdom on earth. [ LINK to Moon and Jesus ]

As a Moonie you serve Mr. Moon, also referred to as ‘True Father’. You do this by recruiting new members, raising money to the movement and eventually you marry a partner chosen by Mr. Moon.

A true win win-situation for the cult.  If you are truly blessed you can give away your children through adoption. This is a true win-win situation, because by doing so a childless couple somewhere out there finally becomes a real family and you can once again give ‘True Father’ your full attention without the distraction of a child. This is the ultimate proof of love and devotion.

The cult had a recruiting base downtown and a training camp in the mountains a few hours’ drive north of San Francisco. Since the siblings would not be welcome into the cult’s surroundings, they asked me if I wanted to make my way into the organization by allowing myself ‘to be recruited’ by the cult. Hopefully, on the inside, I would be able to locate their sister, so that they could take action and arrange for her to be kidnapped and deprogrammed by a special team that was standing by. And oh, could I barely wait!

The Preparation I prepared myself by watching interviews with ex-members on videotape so that I knew what special treatment I could expect.

I learned about how love-bombing – overwhelming and unmotivated love and attention – in combination with little sleep and a tight schedule would serve their purpose to indoctrinate me and make me one of them.

I also met with psychologists and deprogrammers who showed me things I should be aware of, and take precautions against.

The plan was simple.

We would arrange for me to be picked up by a Moonie in Union Square in downtown San Francisco – a place where they recruit many new members. I would then agree to come along to their student camp in the mountains.

▲ Union Square in San Francisco

Once in the camp I would take a lot of pictures, without attracting unnecessary attention. Lots of parents around the world had children hidden in the cult, and if I could return with picture proof that their sons and daughters were in the camp, captors stood ready to steal back the young people to their families.

Most important of all was that I went home when the weekend camp was over. I was under no circumstances allowed to stay after the four day long camp ended. Though, I was told that both the car and the phone were always ‘broken’ on the last evening of the camp – to prevent people from leaving. The reason was simply that they occasionally needed more time to break some of the visitor’s mental defenses.

The Recruitment 

One Saturday we got to work. I dressed myself typically Swedish (neon-colored shorts), took a visible stand at the square, unfolded a big tourist map and waited. All supervised by the kidnappers who stood at a safe distance.

After approximately 15-20 minutes I hear a voice behind me; ”Hello?” I turned around and meet Ted for the first time, my ticket into the Unification Church. By coincidence the next camp started next Thursday

Did I need help, I seemed lost? Was I only passing through? Ah, I came from Sweden, that’s sounds nice. Ted told me that he belonged to an international Student organization. And by the way, would I be interested in sharing a cup of coffee at their office nearby?

 A few hours later I had finished my coffee, seen the picture of the Organization’s founder on the wall and met countless of smiling students who all spoke inspiringly of a camp in the mountains.

By coincidence the next camp started next Thursday. Ted asked me if I wanted to come along. Of course I wanted.

After a few hours’ drive in an old minivan filled with young people, we reached our destination – Maacama Hill.

▲ The girls’ building at Camp K, Maacama Hills

▲ The kitchen at Camp K

The pace was rapid right from the start with early mornings, late nights, and intense activities all day long. I was not left alone for one second.

New boys were constantly shown attention by the sweetest Moonie girls — and new girls shown the same by the most charming Moonie boys.

▲ Camp K leaders, Susan on the left.

As time went by, the small talk more and more turned towards existential questions. Had I ever thought about the meaning of life? Was I satisfied with my life?

Then we were introduced to the first lecture in the class room. Participation was voluntary, of course, but not going to the lectures was simply not an option.

Soon we spent more time in the classroom than we did on the volleyball court. The purpose of the teaching was to prove that Sun Myung Moon was the new Messiah.

Now it was getting really hard to do this spy thing. It was emotionally hard. I felt as if I was betraying the new young people in the camp since I saw them becoming prey for the cult without being able to warn them. But how could I?

I had been sent into the camp with a mission and I simply could not reveal my true identity without endangering my assignment.

And besides, what would the leaders do if they found out I was a spy? My quest was to take as many pictures as possible, lay low and get a ride home on Sunday night. Period.

▲ Lecture on the Divine Principle: “Jesus failed, since he died on the cross, right? So a new Messiah would have to complete the Mission, right?” (Picture: HERE)

Everything became more intense as we got closer to Sunday. The generally held “Good to see you” songs at breakfast were replaced by religious songs with lyrics about the ‘True Father’. A short prayer was held before every meal and the discussions became more personal and intrusive, the breaks got shorter and the lessons longer.

On the Saturday evening we had a barbecue on the river bed. When all the sausage and marshmallows were eaten, there was a revival meeting.

▲ I am wedged between two Moonie friends. (Picture: HERE)

Two dark-haired sisters sang religious songs with empathy, and with tears running down their cheeks, they explained how they had found the true meaning of life in the Unification Church.

▲ Happy sisters. (Picture: HERE)

Then one of the leaders gave a short sermon with such passion that the fire next to him faded in comparison.

▲ Camp K mini-store

______________________________

How did Petra get out?

Full story and more photos:

https://petrahellsing.wordpress.com/2015/06/24/search-for-a-moonie/

______________________________

Camp K, aka Maacama Hill, Unification Church recruitment camp

Moonwebs by Josh Freed (the book was made into a movie)

Crazy for God: The nightmare of cult life by Christopher Edwards

Ford Greene – the former Moonie became an attorney

My Time with the Oakland Family Moonies – by Peter from New Zealand

Testimony of Ingo Michehl – assault by Japanese leader caused lung collapse

The Moonie recruitment camps in Northern California

Resources for Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships

‘Misunderstanding Cults’ book  – Introduction and chapters by Benjamin Beit-Hallami and by Benjamin Zablocki

#Petra #Camp K #Moonies #Sun Myung Moon #Unification Church #deceptive recruitment #coercion

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buildarocketboys · 3 years

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April 3rd: How do you feel about dating/romantic relationships? Have you dated in the past/are you currently in a relationship/do you eventually want one? Do you feel that your experience of autism/stereotypes around autism and relationships impacts this?

I've currently been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over 4 years! My girlfriend is so accepting and accommodating and understanding of me and actually being in a relationship with her and living with her is so good for my mental health as opposed to living with people who aren't understanding/accommodating, it's so nice to have someone take me seriously and actually listen to me when I'm having trouble. That said, it obviously hasn't always been easy (meltdowns and hyperempathy means we both find it really difficult when the other gets upset, especially if it's about something one of us did) but we mostly deal with it pretty OK, and we've gotten better at communicating with each other I think. There's also other things like my sensory issues that can make certain aspects of living together hard (e.g. my sound sensitivity to snoring and other small noises - not to call you out babe, I know I snore as well - has been really hard at times when sharing a bed. Luckily it's not been such an issue lately, but ultimately I think I would like to have my own bedroom/space to go to when I need). I think we're probably better at communicating than a lot of fully allistic (and straight) couples which may at least partly be down to me being autistic and less bound to social rules if I feel safe and comfy with someone, but probably also just us both being queer tumblr weirdos (tumblr queerdos?) means we're less beholden to toxic heterosexist miscommunication.

I've never really traditionally "dated" and I don't think I'd want to; all my relationships (even very short lived ones) have been people I've been friends with first and fallen for, and my past three romantic experiences (ie including my current girlfriend) have been with people I've met via tumblr. Dating seems to have so many social rules around it and especially with someone I didn't really know/feel comfortable with, I don't think it would be something that'd really work out for me. Luckily I don't have to worry about that though!

April 4th: Are there any topics regarding autism that you feel don’t get discussed enough?

Well I'm currently working on an essay about my experiences as an autistic languages student and the year abroad I took as part of my university course, which was kind of my autistic origin story and is something that's really affected me and I'm only just coming to terms with. It's also something I've never seen discussed (outside autistics having language learning as their special interest) and while I don't think it's a Big Issue or anything, on a personal level it's something really important to me and that I'd like to hear other people's experiences with to know that I'm not alone (I hope).

Outside that...in general I think there's kind of a lack of nuance in general in the autistic advocacy movement, especially when it comes to the language you should/shouldn't use about autistic people (ie high functioning/low functioning, person first v identity first etc). I generally agree with the points made about these language usages by autistic advocates and I understand why they get held up as so important (because allistics are like little babies when it comes to actually knowing shit about autism and they need their hand held to be talked through basic respect of autistics and our community). But the fact remains that these things aren't the most important things in terms of actually fighting for justice and accommodation for autistics in society, and not all autistics line up with the majority opinion (and that doesn't make them bad autistics or necessarily bad advocates). Additionally, the lack of nuance in some discussions - such as the swing from the stereotype of 'autistics have no/low empathy' to the autistic advocated opposite extreme of 'autistics have all the empathy! so much empathy! hyperempathy!' is troubling to say the least, because it doesn't actually help people understand us any better (better things to talk about is how we experience or don't experience empathy, why, how do we show it or why do we find it difficult to show it) and just kind of shits on autistics who do have no/low empathy (or whose empathy fluctuates depending on the situation - hi! That's me!). This might partly be my autistic trait of detail orientation coming through, but honestly nuance and complexity around these conversations are important, and we shouldn't be simplifying this stuff just for the sake of allistics, they should be turning up and listening to what we have to say and experience. And they can't really understand it unless they actually get exposed to the nuance and different extremes of autism anyway.

Sorry that these ended up being such a ramble/rant haha I wanted to answer these but my brain is all over the place rn

#30daysofautismacceptance #2021 #autism tag #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #it's about the nuance 👏👌

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lottsoluv · 4 years

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I used to be a mod on Dangan-Happy

This is going to be a very long post because there’s so much that happened, and I felt the need to expose the truths hidden behind the positivity everyone loves so much. Everything seems so fine and dandy on the surface, so consider this a callout post. Thank you to my friends that helped me create this.

For context: I was Mod Chiaki, Mod Rantaro, and Mod Shuichi after a friend of mine left the blog. I would always sign my posts with emojis.

I was in a discord server made by the creators of Dangan-Happy before the blog was created. Both creators run another danganronpa blog focused on writing imagines, and I joined their server because I loved their writing and was interested in making new friends, and that I did.

When Dangan-Happy was created back in July and a link was posted in the discord server for mod applications, I applied for Chiaki immediately. I enjoyed her a lot as a character, and I knew I’d be good at emulating how she spoke through writing, and I got to make people happy while doing so. Though, before this, I had never been apart of a blog like this, I just had this blog, one that I’ve muddled in since 2013, so it was a brand new experience for me.

I was accepted and after a couple of other people who were accepted as mods started joining the monomonomayhem discord server, the two admins created a separate section in the discord server for the mods of Dangan-Happy to communicate, away from the eyes of the fans of their original imagines blog. Everything started out fine, seeing as we barely had any asks coming in, as expected, and I became good friends with a couple of the mods that joined us.

Around the middle of August was when things started going down hill. I became really good friends with our first Mod Izuru, Beep, and we were discussing our grievances we had with the blog, which wasn’t much honestly, such as how mod applications worked or how some of the asks were behind or just how we didn’t think some of the mods wrote their characters well, and it was all in moderation, we were just having a chat between friends, it was nothing serious and only stayed between us. None of the other mods really had any idea what was going on either, we were all just thrown to the wind.

Then, the two admins came up with a rule that no one was allowed to post asks unless either of them specified that they were ready to be sent, which became sort of a problem, seeing as they weren’t always online. Beep and I were usually the ones, at least in the beginning stages of this blog, who tried our hardest to make sure the asks got done and got posted, outside of the two admins. It felt sort of like a punch to the face, to be quite honest, but there was no animosity held toward the two admins. We still tried our hardest to help out, but the list of mods was growing and our list of asks were growing as well, we became buried underneath the voices of the newer, inexperienced mods.

Beep was a sort of hard person to get along with, and as our list of mods on Dangan-Happy grew, they had a harder time getting along with people or trusting people, so they created a group chat to talk and hang out with the people from the server that they trusted, and this eventually grew into a server, one that was not created by either of us but created by Dangan-Happy’s Mod Akane. Collectively, we agreed that the server that was created was a sort of “safe-haven” for Beep, so we only added people to the server that they trusted. We started a “rebellion” of sorts, because what we wanted was change in the way the blog was run, though we never actually did anything, it was more of a mindset. We never had any hatred toward the admins or any of the other mods.

About a week or two passed and one of the admins, Mod Kaz, updated all the mods on their current irl situation. Beep and I then told Mod Kaz that if they needed any sort of help with the blog, they should ask for it, and that the older mods that have been on the blog longer should be allowed to help more with it, and he agreed, making a new role in our discord server titled “Mid Mod,” who’s individual roles were broke up into specifics, such as “tag checking,” “grammar checking,” “overall checking,” etc. All was fine and going well, and I’ll restate, Beep and I held 0 hatred or animosity for Mod Kaz, we were only concerned for his well-being and the well-being of the blog.

Then, on September 9th, the old Mod Byakuya/Ibuki/Nagito left the blog. That being said, it was well known that Beep was an “unwilling Nagito kinnie,” and they would say all the time that they regretted not taking Nagito when they had the chance. They even covered for Mod Nagito a couple times beforehand. They were working on a Nagito mod application, when a new person joined the server, the new Mod Nagito. This alerted many of us in our little “rebellion” server. At that moment, Beep, the old Mod Miu, Mod Akane, one of the other mods, and I were in a voice chat in that server. We were just hanging out, not really doing anything in particular, when we were just all caught off guard. It hadn’t been even an hour when the mod applications were opened for a new mod Nagito.

This topic was a hot debate between the admins and the handful of us. We were told the mod applications were “first come, first serve,” which is still just preposterous in my opinion, and that it didn’t matter how well someone was at writing a character. If they submitted the application first, then they were that mod, and no amount of refutation could convince them otherwise. This angered Beep because they were working so hard on the application, and none of it mattered. There is no anger or hatred toward the new Mod Nagito, I personally think they’re pretty good at writing Nagito and I’m glad they were chosen, but the system that the admins had set up showed its true colors. It didn’t care about quality, only quantity and efficiency.

Beep’s anger was understood by me and the others in the voice chat with them, but that empathy did not carry over to the other mods and admins in the discord server, who decided to start their own group chat discussing whether or not to ask Beep (and I, for some reason) to leave the blog. The reason I, and the others in the voice chat, know about this conversation is because they added Mod Akane to the said group chat. Mod Akane, who was the one who created the “rebellion” server we were voice chatting in.

At this point, we five: Beep, the old Mod Miu, Mod Akane, one of the other mods, and I, had all agreed that there were systemic flaws in the blog we were apart of, and were all relatively upset with the recent events. It was rage-inducing, watching people we worked with talking about how “mean” our friend was, even though they’ve previously stated publicly in the server and apologized for any sort of misunderstandings. I even re-read all the screenshots that were sent to us by Mod Akane before writing this (October 17th,) and it got me really angry again. During this, I talked privately with Mod Kaz about Beep’s behavior, trying my hardest to smooth things over, and again, I never once came to hate him, even after all this.

Then, finally, Beep left the blog, extremely angry after reading the group chat messages relayed by Mod Akane. Even after all of these events had transpired, the rest of us still wanted to work on the blog because we enjoyed roleplaying as these characters and enjoyed giving people advice and making them happy. Sometimes, working with some of the mods was trying, but that’s just how it is when you have such a large group of people working together. Not everyone is going to get along, some people aren’t going to like some of the others, and it’s not something people can just force. The best thing to do in a scenario such as this, at least this is what I did, is to lay low and just do your job, which I did indeed enjoy doing, despite what some of the other mods might have thought.

In fact, that’s what all 4 four of us agreed to do, just lay low and do our jobs as advice-giving roleplayers. Mod Akane was given an important role in the server, where she would stay on all of our butts about getting our asks done in a timely manner. And, that’s all fine and dandy, but she explicitly stated that she wanted to watch the blog crash and burn (along with the rest of us) after the events that transpired the day before. None of us, aside from Beep, had any sort of actual hatred toward the admins and mods themselves, only what everything was becoming.

We were all fine with this arrangement for the most part. We even, all five of us, created a separate blog, where we could roleplay as characters that we wanted to, and it was quite fun. We were all planning on leaving Dangan-Happy after it got up and running, but it never quite took off. We were all busy with our lives, and subsequently, toward the beginning of this month, October, Mod Akane had a falling out with our friend group. We both made separate servers and invited who we wanted and that should’ve been that, fair enough right?

The very next day, Mod Kaz direct messaged me and told me I was kicked from the blog. The reasoning given was that he didn’t want to work with people that hated him. To quote him: “I'm sorry to say this Tea. I had a great time working with you but due to some unforeseen circumstances and some review of your behavior I must ask you to leave the blog. I'm not going to keep fighting to run a positivity blog with someone that holds so much contempt for me. Leave the blog, I'm not going to argue or budge on this.”

In response, I told him fine. I’ve literally never held any contempt for this man, but he really deeply thinks that I’ve hated him this entire time, no matter how much we bonded over similar interests. That’s the part that bothered me at first, being kicked off a blog I loved writing for over someone thinking I hated them. Then, the bit about “review of your behavior” caught my eye. I told him I had barely said a word in the server purposefully so that I don’t hurt other people with my perceived “negativity.”

Then, I realized the problem might actually lie with the “unforeseen circumstances” portion of their message. A day earlier, there was a falling out between Mod Akane and the rest of my friends. I connected the dots, Mod Akane must’ve told Mod Kaz about everything that happened, about my friends and I getting upset over things happening surrounding the blog. It just makes no sense otherwise. I personally believed I wasn’t a problem at all concerning the blog. I tried my hardest to get my asks done on time and in character. I was good at what I did, and I loved doing what I did. And, I was outcasted, thrown out for seemingly no valid reason.

I’m not asking you to harass people, I’m just trying to explain my side in a way that these mods will see and understand. I’m just angry and confused, and I want a real, genuine answer, because I never hated Mod Kaz ever up until this bullshit. Sure, I was upset at the way things were run, I was upset with some decisions that were made, but I never hated him. And, if Mod Akane told him otherwise, I have the screenshots to prove she did the exact same as me.

This post is far from perfect, I apologize. My friends and I are just very upset and hurt. We put so much time and effort into a blog we cared for, and it turns out it’s all bullshit behind the scenes. A fake environment ruled by a toxic positivity, if you have different opinions in the way things are run, you just get removed. It’s fucked.

#danganronpa #drama #dangan-happy #danganronpa roleplay blog #im pissed #please read this #imagine getting yeeted for having an actual opinion #toxic positivity #its fucked yall js #im allowed to be mad #all of my hard work #its just not mine anymore #they also got new mods for chiaki rantaro and shuichi and its like #im just replaceable so whats the point #lottsoluv

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onelastbreath-writes · 3 years

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I’ll Meet You There (Part 3)

Pairing: Marcus Moreno/ Wife!Reader (AFAB, no y/n)

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Talks about loss of spouse, loss of child, medical conditions/inaccuracies, grief/mourning, manipulation/brainwashing (subtext/implied, but we’ll get into it later *winkwink*)

Tags: Hurt/No comfort (for now), ANGST, eventual happy ending, one really sad man for whom I just keep making things worse, #sorrynotsorry, and now I’m just making stuff up as I go along

Summary(lite): You are Marcus’s wife, and you’re definitely not dead. No one is having a great time right now, but like hell if there's a force on this earth that’ll keep you apart forever. This is not a goodbye, its just a see you later. And the interim is going to be everyone else’s problem, you’ll make sure of it.

A/N: Hello dears, welcome back to my twisted mind story,,, guess who showed up like 2 weeks late with a smoothie! So things about this new chapter: I am a criminal with italics and someone needs to stop me, hello switching scenes and perspectives because I just want to fast forward to the good stuff but y’all don’t live in my head and don’t know all the stuff that happens to get us there so here we are taking the slow lane, and I keep brainstorming new and horrible things for my characters because I am A Lot, All The Time, and will not be stopped. Also hey, Marcus the Simp is here for you, so much. I hope this is acceptable to be a reader fic still, because I am giving you some serious personality traits... ehh, it is what it is. Tell me if you spot any of my various references, there’s a lot of ‘em. Thanks to everyone who has liked/reblogged/commented, y’all are gorgeous and I’m so grateful for the love <3 Drop me a message/ask if you want a secret about one of the characters (specify which one), I need an outlet for my endless b.t.s. plotting >;) Please enjoy p3!

AO3|Masterlist

[Previous Part]

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There were more casseroles in his fridge that Marcus knew what to do with, and more sympathy and “thinking of you” cards stacked in piles around the house than he could count. He appreciated everyone’s gestures, but he could recognize the difference between people who were kind in the interest of helping others, and those who were kind only to help themselves. It was quite obvious which type were flooding his mailbox.

Hell, most of the people sending him cards, his fans, didn’t even know his wife, never spoke to her, didn’t feel the empty Her-shaped-space in their very souls. They just wanted the clout, the prestige, of being ‘involved’ and sympathetic to a grieving superhero. It was exhausting, but no one seemed to empathize with him on that.

The Heroics upper management, and the director specifically after his press conference and the publicity the attack had brought the organization, had insisted on Marcus taking an undetermined amount of leave from the team so he could “process and mourn his loss in the comfort of his own home.” Like he didn’t look around and see every piece of himself and his wife over the years; the Home they built for their family, filled with all the hopes and dreams of two starry eyed lovers ready to take on the world together. Like her absence wasn’t slowly killing him.

And it wasn’t like she was gone gone.

Dead.

She wasn’t dead.

No way in Hell.

Whether it was because she worked with superpowered people, her experience as a medical professional, or if she was just more paranoid than most, his wife was a planner, and she was prepared for this. “In the event of my death...," like she just knew it would be necessary.

Truthfully, she had schemes and contingencies and all manner of reactionary plans prepared for if (and when) the worst happened; terrified to be blindsided or caught unaware, unable to help those she would have been able to, if only if she had the time to think. Unpreparedness costs lives in both of their careers, and she refused to leave anything up to chance if possible. And so, she’d plan, and he’d listen.

All throughout their relationship, from before they’d even gotten serious enough to discuss marriage, to when they heard their unborn child’s heartbeat for the first time, and just on random weekday afternoons when they would take Missy for walks around the neighbourhood to show her the beauty in their lives, his wife would paint her theories and ideas like artwork. She’d tell him a story, full of action and mystery, humour and theatrics, tragic romance and harrowing adventure; she could spin a tale like she had a silver tongue, but she never lost herself in her own narratives. In the end, they were messages, lessons, for him to remember when everything was going wrong.

“It’s all about momentum, babe. Bleeding off energy and taking a bad hit instead of a fatal hit. You can’t just full stop; you’d absorb all the kinetic energy, and the resulting trauma will turn all your squishy internals into, like, body soup, which is just super unpleasant. And of course, head is always number one priority. Bracing for impact works better at giving you fewer serious injuries, especially for your neck and head. Muscles should absorb as much of the energy as possible, instead of letting it fall to your ligaments, discs, and nerves to take the force. So, tense up and roll in the case of a low air evacuation.”

Low air evac... she was concerned he was going to have to jump from an aircraft without a parachute at some point in his life. Which was probably accurate he’d admit, but still, he wasn’t hoping to actually need that plan.

Thankfully, it wasn’t always fire and brimstone with her, and she had many strange and terrible schemes to keep the common, everyday superhero family on their toes. Always carry at least two lip balms... never tell someone you don’t have plans for the evening... don’t smile in your mugshot... no clowns. Ever.

She was so weird, a total nerd, and so completely the girl of his dreams.

He loved teasing her about her unending train of thought, the brain that never sleeps, how she’d go on tangents while on tangents but always circle back around; even nicknamed her (quite cheekily, and because it made them both laugh) Doctor Batman, which was usually saved for when she was being particularly dramatic and gloomy. Turn the supercomputer off for a second, Bats, come see what Missy’s doing!

He was her anchor, always ready to pull her back to earth when she started drifting off too far from them, but he never asked and never wanted her to change. He adored her, silly or serious, or when she woke him up in the middle of the night to make him promise that he’d never get their kid(s) a pet owl (because they’re “scary”, and “our kids would be too powerful, Marcus. Promise me!”), or that in the event of them inviting a third to their bed, it would “absolutely never, ever, ever be Miracle. No way!”

He thought it was quite entertaining most of the time, listening to her plan for zombies and old gods and what to do if everyone just started hating cheese one day, but if it was all so important to her: having him remember this or agree to that, he’d accede to her requests in a heartbeat. Most of it was cute, harmless stuff he didn’t think would even happen, but sometimes she would hit him with serious stuff. Entirely out of left field, she’d go for his heart, and ask him for things that would hurt him, destroy him inside, if he ever had to follow through with it.

“Marcus, if it’s a choice between my safety- my life, and Missy’s? I’m always going to choose her. Kids come first, okay?”

She wasn’t superpowered, didn’t have a shred of anything other than pure, normal human in her, but she was easily the strongest person he knew. Fearless and brave, kinder than this world deserved, she’d do anything for the people she cared about. And she’d promised him, maybe as a way to repay him for all the things he’d agreed to over the years, that she’d move heavens and the earth to return to their family. That nothing in this world, or beyond, could keep her away. “Eventually,” she’d stared into his eyes, glossy with tears from how forcefully she believed, “I will find my way back to you. I swear it, so keep a weather eye on the horizon.” See? A whole-ass nerd, and he couldn’t have loved her more.

So, she wasn’t dead. Pure and simple. She was somewhere, somehow, and he was going to find her again.

---

“Marcus, the grieving process is different for everyone, but it is always unpredictable and painful. You will have days where you will feel like you haven’t made any progress, or even lost the progress you’ve previously made, but please know that this is natural; it's something everyone experiences, and that it doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your objective. Healing takes time, and a major part of recovery is learning to forgive yourself when you slip up. No one expects you to be back to normal tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Healing from grief is not a race, so we will go at your own pace, and we will work together to accomplish your recovery goals. You aren’t alone in this journey, and you don’t need to handle everything by yourself.”

The grief specialist he was seeing was someone he would describe as an “old soul”. She exuded the patience and peace of someone who had watched empires rise and fall, seen the turning of the wheel of time and drifted along with the current. Her voice was deep, rich in emotion and empathy for those who needed guidance, calming and intriguing with a soft lilt on her vowels. Timeless and ancient all in one, and even if he wasn’t actually mourning the death of his wife, he did find himself deeply grieving being without her. They were two halves of a whole, and though his soul was at a loss without its partner here, he still had their greatest creation, their pride and joy, their baby girl to raise.

He would do whatever he had to do to be the best parent he could for Missy. And so, if meeting with a physiatrist every week was something that would help, then he would be here, every week. He'd learn to live with his grief, his sadness and loneliness, with just the memory of his Everything, and he’d help their kid with all hers too.

It’s what he promised to do, after all.

“If anything ever happens to me, you’ll just have to love her enough for the both of us.”

---

There was nothing they could recover of the people closest to centre of the explosion. No remains, no blood, nothing. Like they hadn’t been there at all.

Suspicious.

Upper Management had brought in a team of private investigators to handle the case, people who would keep the details quiet and the public appeased with what little information they’d choose to release.

Marcus was a superhero, and sure, his job was to hit things until they weren’t a problem anymore, but he couldn’t understand why all the highly trained professionals didn’t question the sheer amount of evidence that just wasn’t adding up.

He tried to bring up the inconsistencies once with the lead investigator, but they had just given the distraught, widowed husband, so lost in his own denial and grasping at straws, a sad smile and told him they would do everything they could to find the truth for him and the rest of the victims’ families.

Typical.

After being brushed off without a second thought, he decided to keep his ideas quiet, and since they’d proven their unwillingness to listen, he’d just have to solve the mass disappearance himself.

“Have you ever thought about how to commit the perfect murder, mi amor? I have. First: If there’s no body, they can’t prove the person is dead. No evidence of death? No murder. Simple. But of course, completely vanishing a full human would be a challenge. Short of having the superpowers necessary to, like, erase someone from reality in their entirety, there would be a lot of chances to leave evidence. Ordering suspicious chemicals leaves a trail, driving out to a pig farm in the middle of the night is shady as hell and all neighbors are professional narcs, and fires? Hah! Do you have any idea how hot the fire needs to be to cremate human remains, and how long they would need to grill for? Huh, maybe the perfect murder isn’t a murder at all...

Hey babe...

Always doubt a body, but always doubt no body, more.”

---

You tended to lose time when there was no one else in your room. It was hard to tell when your eyes were open because you started dreaming about the only things you could see since you first woke up: drop-ceiling tiles, white walls, and pale blue curtain dividers. And it was easier that way, in the end. Your heart didn’t hurt when you only dreamt of the room. You couldn’t mourn the things and people only your soul could remember if you thought of the room. Drifting in and out of consciousness was how you were coping.

---

You had been here, left in this room alone, for ages. You had agreed to help the man who had saved you from the explosion that killed your family, but apparently you couldn’t help him until you had recovered enough. You’d read your charts, grilled your nurses and doctors more and more the longer you were kept here. What were they all waiting for? There was nothing wrong with you except the mild post traumatic amnesia, and the whole not-remembering-much-(or anything, really)-about-your-personal-life-and-family-of-the-recent-few-years thing you had going on. It was nothing compared to when you first awoke and could remember nothing. It killed you to be without the memories of your husband and child, to know only of them instead of actually knowing them, but there was nothing you or the doctors here could do. The brain was a tricky thing, and you had to accept that your memory loss might be permanent.

That just meant that you had to put all that you could remember to good use. You could help people here, and work towards getting justice for your family. Years and years of school, practical experience and training, you had gained it all back; re-read textbooks and studies, wrote papers on your re-emerging knowledge and jogged your memory about long nights and early mornings, surgeries and follow ups... it was all still in your head. It had returned to you easily, like diving into a cool pool on a hot summer day. It was like coming home and taking off your shoes; it felt good, freeing, as-it-should-be.

But still they weren’t letting you leave. So: what were they waiting for?

“Ah, Doctor, it’s lovely to see you, as always. How are we feeling today?” Okay, so the guy who “saved” you (read: paid the people who actually saved your life) gave you the heebie-jeebies. He looked like a classic pompous asshole bigwig, like, oil tycoon or something. And he definitely had some sort of thing for you. Gross.

“I’m doing as well as can be expected, trapped in a room with nothing to do, you know, brain rotting, et cetera. Thanks for asking.” The sass was a choice, probably not a great choice, but your choice none-the-less. You really hadn’t had many opportunities to choose anything for yourself in a while.

Well...

You were bored, and that was going to be everyone else’s problem.

“Ah, well, good news then! You have been cleared from observation and you’ll be able to be discharged soon. Isn’t that just delightful!” Mister Craig (“Please, just Greg is fine”), was some sort of horrible group hallucination, you were convinced. No one was that cheery, that animated, unless they were on something, or you were on something. “I’ll have someone bring you your personal effects shortly, and then I can show you to your new apartment. The complex isn’t in the best neighbourhood unfortunately, but it's got some real charm, very vintage! You’ll love it!”

“I’ll look forward to seeing it then; sounds like it’ll be a real interesting place to stay. You can also explain what it is I’m going to be doing with your organization. Because you haven’t specified yet. And I expect a proper contract and wage agreement. Legally binding preferably, for your sake, of course, Mr. Craig.” Even if you weren’t the most physically intimidating person around, you knew how, and more so, when, to assert your dominance in a conversation. Especially with men like him. He was the type of guy who would pinch a nurse’s ass and then accuse them of not being able to take a joke.

“You wound me, Doctor, I am a man of integrity! I promised you an opportunity to make a difference! To get justice for the loved ones so cruelly torn from you! You have nothing to worry about!”

Sounds legit. Totally above board. Can’t wait.

---

Taglist (omg!! thanks love): @killtherandomness

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#we can be heroes #we can be heroes fanfiction #marcus moreno #marcus moreno x reader #Marcus Moreno x you #reader x marcus moreno #reader insert #Pedro Pascal #hurt/comfort #eventual happy ending #say hello to doctor batman lol. theres a whole thing i created just for that nickname to happen. ask me about it if you want XD #also you're a sassy BAMF. oops

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