#even more so than by reading my diary

[idontthinknowsthebesttime]

bury my fics with me when i die

#ik they're just silly little stories and character essays but #I've never applied myself so consistently and with so much passion to any other form of creativity in my life #i can't write without putting bits of myself in there and in a way they're the closest someone could come to truly understanding me #even more so than by reading my diary #and i think they should stay with me forever #fanfiction #writing #fanfic

[uncanny-tranny]

The two things I love most about language are simultaneously that the human need to communicate is so strong that we will invent languages, vocabularies, and new turns of phrases at the drop of a hat (freeing our thoughts from the confines of our mind), but also that language is so naturally limiting that it won't truly encapsulate your deepest, most inner thoughts and feelings (your thoughts are yours, but at what cost). Do you understand how feral this makes me feel. "Please understand me," we tell each other, and we both will be seen but also so, so misunderstood, and it isn't our faults, not really, and we continue trying, trying, trying to be understood.

#language #i can never know what it's like to read myself as an outsider and it genuinely makes me go mad #which is why i am so paranoid about how people read what i make and how i am interpreted and how my tone and themes come across #we try in vain to be understood more than we are and holy shit we are divine #this both comforts me and sends me to insanity by the way. i am never normal about this #i love learning about pidgin language and languages that just pop into existence. we so DESPERATELY want to communicate #and even this post can never encapsulate my feelings. they are too big for words; too big for feelings or diaries or whispers to the stars. #yet another post i made while stealth arching in skyrim. what is this world coming to.

[domokunrainbowkinz]

月亮🌙

(Click for higher quality)

#my art #the apothecary diaries #kusuriya no hitorigoto #jinshi #his cringefail rizzing attempts and 2 faced persona have captivated me #idk man something abt him just made me go ouuuuugh esp after reading ahead in the manga #started the LNs now but uh I’m only like 1 chapter into volume 1 lmao #kinda wish I knew how to read Japanese so I could read the original web novel since I heard it’s darker and focuses more on the intrigue #rather than the romance #don’t get me wrong tho I eventually want him and maomao to make out sloppy style #maybe even throw in a little pegging idk LOL

[imeminemp3]

ive made this post before but it's so weird being a fan of queen the way i am cause they're world fucking famous but those are just... my four guys!! my buddies. my pals.

#im fully in it i don't just. believe what i saw in bohemian rhapsody 2018 i did my own research i read books i can distinctly tell their #writing styles etc but like #they are just 4 funny guys to me!!!!!!! and i love them!!! #it's so different to like. being a fan of the beatles bc everyone knows all of their drama and stuff they're taken like.. way more for #granted than queen bc to ppl #wait maybe i meant it the other way around sorry queen are taken more for granted? do i know what that phrase means? #anyway people are just. used to queen without knowing much about them ig??? #average casual queen fan: ummmm freddie was gay and he died. #and that's like all they know about the band #i feellike ppl are more likely to know beatle bsides than queen bsides #it's also different from being a monkee fan bc LITERALLY all ppl know abt the monkees is that they did im a believer #it's not even that people only know the surface level stuff abt them like w queen. it's that no one rlly knows much at all!!!! #this is all like. very much an analysis of the modern age reactions to such bands of course #at the height of their careers ppl were more invested but now? not so #diary

[bewilderedbunny]

got too emotional thinking about libraries. again. ☹️

#having a free place to just be is so special #and it's a place that encourages learning and community??? #hello??? #the more i struggle with my personal life #the more i just want to sit and read a book i've never heard of in thr library #maybe someday my dream of working at one will come true 🫶 #btw libraries often times offer more than just books! some let you rent telescopes; some even have 3d printers! #i recently found that out and it blew my mind #sally's diary #personal

[stormyrainyday]

man growing up without any privacy is a fucking trip what do you mean i'm scared my mom found my imagine dragons CD it's imagine dragons for fuck's sake why would i get in trouble for that

#i want to buy a bunch more cds too #but if my mom looks too closely at my music i think i'll die #since she has a history of being weird about it #okay sorry i discovered my chemical romance when i was twelve #it was a decade ago #am i allowed to listen to sad songs now #or songs where they say “fuck” #any time i want to buy something i evaluate in my head if it's okay for me to have first #the way i triple thought before buying mayday parade merch when i went to their concert #because of fear #and it's more than just music #i chat on discord so she never finds my messages #exclusively use it on incognito so i can close out at a moment's notice #because she went through my text messages #i don't keep a diary because she'd read it behind my back #i hide my sketchbooks because despite being a medical student i worry she will be weird if i know too much anatomy #she was weird abt me not drawing a shirt on a bust drawing #that didnt even include shoulders #like jeez #anyway #sorry for venting in the tags lmao #sometimes i forget that people actually read my posts #and im not just existing here lmao #erm close your eyes im fine #i really want more cds tho #sour #collide with the sky #scoring the end of the world #folklore #ugh just so many

[transmechanicus]

“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha

#my stuff #dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day #bc i skipped lab to take a nap #and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates #like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em #or at least not as much as they seem to without me #it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space #and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl #idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism #it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work #bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter #i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit #i want it to stop #i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work. #i want to cry and scream and #like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here #i don’t wanna wuss out #but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself #why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much?? #like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get #i’m tired of being tough #i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure

[safifonhasstrel]

"I'm going to be young and beautiful in my coffin. don't you think that's romantic?" "no, I don't. I think it's disgusting."

Books I grew up reading: The Vampire Diaries by L. J. Smith

#lit #litedit #yalit #the vampire diaries #the BOOKS! #tvd #look #i don't expect this edit to get more than 10 notes #if at all #but I've been cleaning my book shelves and came across the tvd books #and man I used to love these books #read them before the show came out #i know they are super cringe at parts but I loved them #also I haven't edited in forever so this is good practice #even if it flops lol #mine #my edit

[running-in-the-dark]

yes I've been lying in bed for three hours, listening to the same song on repeat, and yes I have written *checks* 14,000 words of the most stupid, embarrassing shit ever over the last two days, and yes I can actively feel my brain melting in my head, but I'm definitely totally fine.

#I need to keep pointing this out because it's absolutely fucking insane to me #the last time I wrote anything resembling a story of any kind was when I was like 11. before I got too self conscious and before people kept #doing shit like taking my diary and reading it. #but since then? nope. nothing. not a single word. #and now it's like. well I guess instead of sinking deeper and deeper into the same damn pattern of spending all day in bed imagining the #same scenario over and over again because I can't remember shit. I'm just. writing it down. #and it's. so fucking cathartic?? because things are actually happening?? #yes it's 100% just absolutely desperate yearning and I can't reread it without wanting to break my phone #but I'm fucking doing it and I don't care how embarrassing it is (I do care so much actually oh my god it's so bad. but I'm doing it anyway) #yes I'll just delete this file the next time I'm hit by that wave of self loathing and yes if anything this is even more of a waste of time #than just thinking about it #but fuck man it feels good. also bad but. good. some of the time. #(yep this is absolutely nothing it's irrelevant it's just me doing a normal thing that people do and feeling like I'm insane. that's what #I do. 🤦 don't know how to be normal. everything is something even if it's really nothing.) #personal

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my partner and I discussed getting matching shirts that say "the hot bitch I pulled by being autistic" and each shirt has an arrow that points to the other person.

#original #diary #today we were watching a great show and a moment happened that made us both so happy that we #we skipped right over laughing and spontaneously launched into like a full 30 seconds of full body happy stimming #before laughter could even come out. happy stimming happens when i am so happy i must do something even more joyful than laughing #and she finished before me and i was still going and she came up to me and hugged me and told me i am so cute when i stim #it is like. so cool to discover positive stimming #and as sad as it is i had to suppress it most of my life i not only have it now but i also have a partner who actively encourages it #bc someone who loves you delights in seeing your purest expression of joy and seeks to cultivate that. #she is kind to me always #i just wanna yell at everyone about how they are supposed to be treated bc i wish someone had told me #i wouldn't give up my autism for any material thing in existence bc then i would be steven without his gem #i can happy stim in front of so few people and i generally think of myself as so open. but there are times it is unsafe to stim #and times where that safety or lack of it is unclear. and so masking is an unfortunate but necessary thing #and i have WAY more freedom in dropping my mask than most people bc i am white. #and people of color - especially Black men in my country (guess which one.) - are not given nearly as much leeway by society #but that is a super heavy topic and i am high and it is midnight so we will come the fuck back to that #'do u read critical race theory?' 'nah i just read some white stoners tumblr tags.' #anyway go listen to other people who are smarter than me and also not white if you wanna learn about this topic more #autism positivity #i love my wife

[deepspaceclawstation]

One of my preferred activities to do on tumblr lately has been to open the notes of random posts and just peoplewatch. Yesterday I found a person who said they had 'priviledge guilt' for not being able to sew. I stalked their blog and in their bio they claimed to be 'no more than 12%' indigenous. On further stalking, I found a reblogged post with the tags that claimed their dream job would have been to be a servant in a feudal household. They were 46. I got to read all this for free.

#Every day I find some kind of guy (gender neutral) #I have been in a Mood lately so I've just been Lurking #It's more entertaining than a reddit aita #Idk I just like peeking into people's minds and finding the most bizarre shit in there #I hope someone out there goes through my tags with even half of the scrutiny I put into my browsing of random people's tags #It feels like reading someone's personal diary. that they just left in the common room. labelled READ ME #Voyeurism but I don't have to feel guilty about it. the privacy is being offered up in a silver platter for me to invade #I probably sound like a new kind of guyTM myself in these tags but I don't care #I hope these tags bring the reader #as much of that indescribable joy and discomfort as knowing something about someone that you don't want to know about can possibly bring #people

[toastsnaffler]

not always great at small talk but sometimes I get so used to being asked the same little questions that throughout the day im mentally accumulating tiny happenings into enough material for a decent answer just to condense it into a one word reply bc I know theyre just being polite by asking. but anyway today I didnt get asked how my day was + now im surprisingly sad abt it I had so much to say even if I was only going to deflect the question as usual :-(

#like I just got so used to it.. dont take my brief moment of connection + feeling like someone cares away from me 😭 #im spending a lot of time alone + in my head lately which is making me kinda crazy but I never get asked sincerely how I am #so it never goes anywhere it just clogs up my brain and makes me feel lonelier than ever #but its ok I like hearing abt how other ppl are and what theyve been doing even if theyre a bit disinterested in me + my life #this makes me sound ungrateful I really don't mean it like that but sigh #anywayyy gonna take some ibuprofen + read a bit then go zzz goodnight everyone <3 #.diaries #like not to sound like a whiney little baby but im having a rly rough time and itd be nice to have someone meet me in that space but- #even if they dont want to know abt it or its not that kind of relationship its still nice to be asked how I am so I can lie and- #they know I'm lying but just for that moment we live in a more hopeful world where we're both doing OK now im actually going to bed bye

[starrytalking]

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but it’s okay to struggle. You don’t have to have your “life under control” right now. No matter your age and if it seems like everyone else is doing oh so well (believe me, there’s others who struggle as well!), it’s okay to still figure things out and feel like a complete mess. You still have time to grow as a person and find out what works for you and how you want to live your life. Be forgiving with yourself, I know it’s hard but you deserve rest and compassion from yourself!

#starrytalking #yes this is totally about how I feel like I didn’t do enough (aka barely anything) for uni and now have to do everything (which is a lot) #at the same time while I don’t know how I’m suppose to get everything done on time #because it’s so much; so I procrastinate all day and get even less done #but yesterday in the evening I remembered that while I feel like I should be organised and grown up enough to have done better beforehand #so that I wouldn’t feel like this right now #this isn’t actually true. like it feels like this rn but actually‚ I’m in my first year of uni technically no one expects me to have it #all figured out. like sure it would be great but I can still learn how to deal with the different work load and way things work at uni #and it’s okay to fail at times (although I still need to work on accepting that) bug that doesn’t automatically make myself a failure #and it doesn’t erase what I accomplished so far to get where I am right now and it doesn’t erase that I still have plenty of time to grow #so I’ll try to tell myself that more often and just give my best #and yes it feels like my best could be so much better if I had just done things differently a bit ago but NO I can’t change that anymore and #my best right now is still my best right now no matter what I did or didn’t do in the past #but even if you’re older by however many years and you’re reading this: you’re never too old to grow as a person and to figure things out #so if you also feel like a mess right now that’s super valid as well and you don’t need to have figured it all out yet #you can take time as well‚ I hope you’re okay and if you’re not: you can be okay again I think <3 #lol when I’m not ranting to my best friend than on here it’s like a diary xD #uni #college #student #stress #forgiveness #struggle #it’s okay #it’s okay to struggle #compassion #take time

[gommyworm]

:^/

#i look so fucking hot today #and i have nobody to appreciate it #my best friend lives 8 hrs away and constantly leaves me on read #which i understand we both tend to drop off the face of the earth when we arent around each other #my only other friend is a guy like 3 yrs younger than me who i have more of a like ? casual friendship w where we like #complain about the government and check in on each other n stuf #and like hes a very good boy but i cant like Talk to him about my life or show him my very attractive fit bc thatd be weird asf #and the only other person i talk to is my ex lmfaooo and that has its whole set of issues #i really desperately need friends or like a bf or something like i cant sit with myself like this every day or im gonna kms #i should hit up my therapist lmaoo i ghosted her a while ago and gooooood would i love someone to talk to rn lmao #like someone who already knows backstory and like the shit involved in my stupid shitty life #man i made my makeup look so nice so i coukd stop crying all day and now i fucking ruined it lmfao #idk why im so stressed these days i just want to be dead #i genuinely think i need like professional help lol like this is way worse than normal #maybe seasonal depression on top of the regular shit ? idk whats even happening anymore #i think im gonna really try and read a book so today so i can not exist for a bit #man and i got all fancy n shit 😔😔😔😔 this sucks ass #maybe i should get some sort of diary app or soemthing so i dont have to do this on tumbkr lmfao #prpbably less embarassing that way #whatever not like ppl reading this really care plus its interesting to see ppls thots i think #i hope u enjoyed the show :^) #gommywords

[a-sleepy-ginger]

15/4/24

✿❈✿❈✿

Saw the moon

Did well with studying

Gave my cat a fright by cracking my wrist and he meowed at me and came and lay on my lap

Loosemble comeback!

#happiness diary #happiness diary: april 2024 #so i did a practice run for my exam #well for one of the essays for the exam cus we haven't been taught everything yet and theres 3 essays #but for this essay i have like 1 hour to write it #i got it done in 40 mins... #but also ive only studied for like 3 hours max over 4 days and i didn't even study for the past 2 days #not even reading #and somehow i managed to write the essay with only 4 minor corrections needed #... #is this what studying is like? #ive never studied before this so i dont know #in my life ive only studied like 3 hours and yet its been really effective? #is it always this effective? #should i have been studying all my life? #i mean ye but would i have passed higher english with a better grade if i did more than listen to the quotes on the way to the exam? #it looks like i would have! and i dont know how to feel about that! #i feel like i played myself out of getting good grades #but i also feel like im cheating cus is studying supposed to be this easy that you just remember everything after a couple hours? #dunno! #anyway im gonna knock out cus i took an antihistamine and the shop bought ones always knock me out #night

[silhouettecrow]

365 Days of Poems: Day 1 (January 1st)

Sharp Stomach

A knife point

digging into the thin stretch of organ

Not pushing inward from the outside

but rather emerging small

as a hunger

deep in the pit

that grows and twists and evolves

into a never-ending ascension

like bile rising in one's throat

The stinging and burning and prickling

a cousin of the cold edge of steel

as it slices through pink muscle

until it forges something new and terrified

and hungry itself:

A starvation

- - - - -

Here's the link for the corresponding writing prompt post

#day 1 of my poems! #yay! #now the posting of these are going to be a bit different than how i did (or at least tried to do) with my prompts #im not putting myself on as strict of a time limit/frame as i did for the prompts #because im writing a poem as opposed to making a prompt and then copying and pasting the definitions for the words in the prompt #moreover these are rough drafts of poems but i still want to be happy with them as rough drafts before posting them #so thats why posting them may be a little slower or more inconsistent #that being said im gonna try my damnedest to try to write a poem a day or if i cant to write a 'missed' poem on the following day #and also like my writing prompts i will be using these tags as a lil diary of sorts #because this is for the 1st i will share that for the 1st of the new year my girlfriend and i just spent the day in together #we ended up playing a couple games of magic the gathering which was fun #but i began feeling rather tired and had to take a nap so that kinda sucked #all in all i think it was a good day #as for this poem i think im decently happy with it #when i eventually revise it i will probably tighten up or even elaborate on some places #but overall i think its pretty strong and a good start to the year #(also this poem is partially inspired by the fact ive been watching a lot of supereyepatchwolfs playthroughs of fear and hunger 1 and 2) #thanks for reading #writing #writer #creative writing #writing prompt #poem #poetry #writeblr #trying to be a writeblr at least