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britswriting · 2 years

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Desire (8)

Desire Masterlist

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I struggled to write this chapter. Not due to triggers.. just it's a tricky subject and I wanted to do my best at writing it.. tastefully? That being said...

T/W: Talk of being an atheist, Active relapse, talk of alcohol, mention of peer pressure, small talk of body image issues, mentions of abandonment, cheesy pickup line (lol)

I tried not to make it extremely detailed, but my version of extremely detailed and yours might be very different, so please read with caution. If it is a triggering topic for you, feel free to skip this chapter. Nothing important happens between Leighton and Colby. All you're missing is her hanging out with friends and then drinking and her thought process of why.

If you deal with addiction, please read this chapter with caution. It's going to get a little rough for the next few chapters... I write realism, I'm sorry.

If you need help, there are a lot of options online such as hotlines, worksheets or even meetings.

Please seek help if needed, and remember, take it one day at a time, I love you ❤️

*Leighton's POV*

Arriving at the club was weird. It was oddly empty in the front, there wasn't even a bouncer at the front door. It was nothing like the movies showed.

Movies always made it seem like LA clubs were this big party scene and it was so hard to get into...

We walked through the door, and I was immediately overwhelmed. The music was loud, and there were bodies everywhere, mingling, sipping drinks and grinding on each other.

It seemed to be a bar that wanted to be a nightclub. It wasn't fairly big and it looked like a bar, but the lights were dark and there were colorful lights everywhere along with the blaring music.

It's like you went to Disco Night at the Bowling Alley.

"Come on Leighton!" Alex tugged my hand, my clumsy ass almost tripping, unprepared for the quick tug of her hand.

She dragged me over to a table of strangers, myself glancing around, checking my surroundings.

I could barely think with how loud it was in here.

"Guys, this is Leighton. The girl from New Years" Alex introduced me, and I gave a tight lipped smile and a small wave, feeling extremely awkward.

"That's the girl with the-" Some guy started and Alex quickly nodded, cutting him off.

Okay then...

"Leigh, this is Scott, Isaac, Derrick, Katie and Estelle, but we call her Elle" Alex introduced me and I nodded, still awkwardly standing here, unsure of what to say.

I felt like I was standing in front of a stadium, naked.

They were all just staring at me.

"You can call me Estelle" She corrected Alex, and I nodded slowly, kind of struggling to hear them over the music.

"We ordered you a drink, here" Some brown hair guy said, sliding a martini glass over to Alex.

"Thanks" Alex smiled, taking a sip of it.

"I like your outfit, Alex" Some dirty blonde hair girl said.

I honestly couldn't remember who was who.

I haven't properly been out in almost two years, so this was definitely sensory overload.

"Thank you! I bought it today when I got Leighton's outfit" She replied, turning everyone's attention to me.

I wanted to hide.

I felt like they were directly staring at my stomach that was slightly protruding through the skirt, and the way the skin rolled between the top of the skirt and the bottom of the bra.

No one said anything, and they started talking amongst themselves, so I excused myself, making my way through the crowded bodies towards the bar.

"Hi um, can I get a coke?" I asked, hoping I was loud enough for the bartender to hear me.

They nodded, walking to my right and crouching down.

"Do you want a glass?" He asked and I shook my head, reaching for my wallet.

I paid for the coke, popping it open and leaned against the bar, watching the drunk people in front of my practically dry hump each other.

I don't know how long I was standing here, sipping the coke for, but I do know that I don't understand the appeal of bars.

Maybe you have to be hammered to enjoy them?

Or maybe not sleep deprived from a newborn?

I wasn't sure.

I turned back to the bar, looking around, seeing all sorts of bottles behind them when someone cleared their throat, saying "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" and I immediately cringed.

"I'd have to believe in heaven, to fall from it" I replied back in an unamused tone and they got quiet real quick. I turned around, speaking up again, "So, out of curiosity, what was your follow-up if the first one was that bad? Did you have a backup plan or?" I asked, leaning against the bar again, having no idea what Alex or her friends were doing.

"You don't believe in Heaven?" He asked and I snickered, rolling my eyes.

Not everyone has to believe in religion.

"Do your bad pickup lines ever work?" I asked and he straightened his posture a bit, tilting his head to the side, eyeing me.

I hated when guys did that.

When they tried to figure you out just by looking at you.

Listen buddy, if I can't figure myself out, what makes you think you can?

"Let's start over. The name's Collin" He held out his hand and I eyed it, glancing back up at his eyes.

"Real name?" I asked, trying to see if he had given me a fake name or not.

I wasn't trying to get played on my first night out.

He gave me a strange look, replying, "Uh.. Collin Gardner" which made me laugh, deciding to go a little easier on him.

I was trying not to be a bitch, remember?

"Leighton" I held my hand out, since his dropped, and he shook my hand which felt so out of place for the location we were at.

"It was that bad huh?" he asked and I laughed, responding, "It was pretty bad" against the rim of my Coke can before taking a sip.

"Sorry. I don't normally walk up to pretty girls at the bar" He apologized and I let out a breathy laugh, glancing in the direction of Alex's table, only to see a brown haired girl was sitting there alone.

"Thank you for the compliment, but I'm sure you could do way better than me" I told him honestly, seeing the probably hundred of gorgeous girls around me.

Being Bisexual really has it's perks sometimes.

"I probably could" he started and my eyes widened, "But that doesn't mean I want to" He finished and I shot him a weird look.

"What?" I laughed, not expecting the bluntness.

I could see his cheeks redden against the harsh lighting of the club which made my heart race a little bit.

He shrugged before ordering some sort of drink.

He was handed some sort of liquid in a short glass with ice in it, and I glanced down at the weirdly colored liquid.

"What is that?" I asked, trying to figure out what I was looking at.

I've seen alcohol before, hell I've sort of tasted it before, but everything I had seen had been clear, or dark. This was a strange off brown color.

"Cinnamon fireball whiskey" he informed me and I nodded slowly, watching it slosh a little in the glass.

"Fireball as in the energy drink?" I questioned and he nodded. "Weird. Is it good?"

"I like it" He shrugged and I mentally facepalmed.

Of course he does, idiot! Why else would he order it.

It got quiet between us and slowly drank the Coke, trying to busy myself.

"There you are!" Alex said loudly, causing me to wince. "Who's this?" She asked and I mentally groaned, but before I could reply, he did.

"Collin" He held his hand out and at this point I was starting to feel embarrassed for him.

I may have never been to a bar or club before, but I was pretty sure you didn't go shaking hands with people like we were at a business meeting.

Alex just nodded, dismissing his hand, "You wandered off" She frowned, "I wanted you to hang out with my friends and I. Why'd you leave?" She questioned, seeming a tad upset at my disappearance.

"Wanted a drink, and your friends seem to not like me" I shrugged, waving my Coke can at her a little before taking another drink of it.

"What do you mean? You haven't even talked to them yet"

"Well"

"Well what?"

I stayed quiet, well aware that Collin was here.

"I thought we were going to let loose and have fun? Don't you want to forget about all the drama waiting for you at home?" She asked and I felt my head snap over to her, narrowing my eyes at her, silently telling her to zip it.

"Where even are your friends?" I asked, scanning the room.

"Katie went to the bathroom, Isaac is trying to pick up girls, horribly might I add" She laughed, "Derrick is at the table with Elle and Scotts in the bathroom. We were going to go mingle, but you left" She explained, Collin now excusing himself and wandering off.

Great. She scared away the fireball guy.

"Estelle definitely doesn't like me" I told her and Alex scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"She just takes a bit to get to know, plus, Derrick was eyeing you, so I'm sure she was jealous. Don't pay your mind any attention to her actions. She's a bit... stuck up? I love her, but she has her moments" Alex explained and I nodded slowly.

"So.. is Derrick and her together or?" I asked, playing with the pull tab on the Coke can.

Alex scoffed, snickering, "She wishes" which made me let out a breathy chuckle. "Now come on! Let's go dance!" She shouted over the music, tugging me along with her.

I held onto my can, too afraid to set it down.

I've heard stories.

Alex started dancing to the music, and I just stood there, feeling extremely awkward.

I practically fall over in these heels walking, how the fuck am I supposed to dance in them?

I didn't feel like dancing the way everyone else was. I was way too self conscious to do some of the movements they were doing.

I wasn't a prude, and I didn't care that slutty girls were owning it, but I definitely didn't have the confidence to do it myself.

At least, not here, with these people.

You know who would love to watch me attempt twerking?

Kat and Colby.

I laughed to myself, thinking about when Colby came home with me, and was practically twerking in front of my family whilst they made the pizza's.

I almost wished I was here with Sam, Kat and Colby. I knew almost for a fact that if I was with them, I would feel a lot more comfortable and confident and I hated that.

I hated that I always needed someone to be better. To feel better about myself, to be more comfortable.

I couldn't stand being alone.

I always needed the distraction, or the encouragement or even the validation.

I could never just do things.

I hated going places by myself, I hated sitting in my apartment by myself and I hated more than anything, not having anyone to call up or text.

There were no distractions when you were alone.

My mind raced too much when I was alone, and I have been alone a lot lately.

There have definitely been a few times that I've called Elizabeth, my sponsor, and had to be calmed down, or talked to, and we even met up recently.

Having Elizabeth meet Gemma felt surreal.

It truly was an out of body experience to have my sponsor meet my almost two month old.

I never knew how badly "I need space" would affect me, but after having so much alone time, even if it has only been two weeks.. I know just how badly I can't stand it.

Alex was grinding against me and I tried really hard to go along with it, but I couldn't stop looking at all the people around us, my mind racing and my heart beating rapidly in my chest.

"You know what you need?" Alex asked and I hummed in response, curious as to what she thought could fix my current problem. "A drink. Loosen up a little bit. It's supposed to be fun!" She told me and I could feel my heart stop racing, panic filling my chest. "Let's go do a shot together!" She grabbed my hand, pulling me after her yet again.

I couldn't get a word out before she was ordering a round of Vodka shots, eagerly watching them be poured.

"Alex! I've never drank before! I've never taken a shot! I don't drink-" I quickly tried to derail the plan, only for her to call over her friend.

"Elle! Will you take a video of us doing shots? Leighton's never done one before!" Alex called out to the blonde haired girl dressed in a skin tight short black dress.

Alex seemed ecstatic.

What was so fun about watching me do a shot for the first time?

I always wanted to do my first shot with Colby...

Fucking Colby.

He's the one who wanted space. Who won't reply to my Happy Birthday texts, or even ask me how it's going.

He wants nothing to do with me. Hell, he asked me not to contact his friends.

He could be here. We could be doing this together..

I missed talking to him. I missed hanging out with him. I thought we were friends?

Are we not friends anymore all because we might have possible feelings?

Will I lose him over this?

I eyed the shots, my heart now practically beating out of my chest as I tried to figure out how to tell her I can't take the shots.

She seems so excited...

I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't turn my fucking brain off as I stared at the liquor, my thoughts racing with questions and possibilities.

I knew that if I did this, it would be frowned upon. So many people would be disappointed in me. I knew that even though being a drug addict and an alcohol addict were different, that they were also similar. I knew that I had never touched alcohol because alcoholics run in my family, and I already have problems... but maybe they found something in it? Maybe there was a reason everyone turned to it?

I couldn't help but think about what it would feel like.

What it would taste like.

How it would affect me.

Would it numb these thoughts? Would it make me let loose like Alex and just enjoy myself?

Forget about my relationship issues, and my baby and the fact that I'm broke and jobless?

I thought about doing one shot with Colby just for the experience, but now, all I can think about is downing them all with Alex to get my brain to shut up.

I wanted so desperately to talk to someone. I knew I should call Elisabeth, and confined in her about these thoughts.. but all I wanted was to hear Colby's voice and distract myself, to forget, but Colby wanted space, and I need to respect that. Aaliyah is busy with River, and my family can't know.

Call Elisabeth.

She'll help you.

We don't have to do this.

You were doing so good!

They think I'm doing good.

That I'm figuring it out.

That I'm okay.

Everyone thinks I've crossed the bridge to better land, and that I was on the other side of the disease

but was I?

Aaliyah and Gabriel.. they don't trust me, and maybe rightfully so.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe I can't stay clean.

Maybe I can't do this.

Maybe the doctors had a right to give me a drug test. Maybe Gabe and Aaliyah had the right to ask if I was back where I was.

Maybe I was.

Am I really about to take a shot with a girl I met two weeks ago?

"Here Leigh, you go first and I'll go after you" Alex handed me the glass and I sighed, holding it, contemplating.

Does alcohol count?

Yeah I always wanted to do it with Colby.. I always wanted to do it when I turned twenty one.. I just figured it was a hard limit. That I wasn't allowed.

Was I allowed?

I sat there staring at it, a million thoughts racing through my head, but it was so hard to hear them, let alone think it through due to the obnoxious music in my ears.

"It's just going to burn a bit, but it will make you feel better. More alive, loose.. it's fun. I can call the boys over and we can do it all together" Alex suggested, but I just kept staring at the drink, flashbacks to all of my arguments with Colby and Aaliyah. The thought of Colby, Aaliyah and Logan leaving...

Alex is new, and fun.. and she doesn't care.

She isn't looking for us to date, or to have strings attached.. She's living in the moment, being free, not thinking the little things over.

I want to be like Alex.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I tossed the cold liquid back and felt it burn all the way down, coughing once I swallowed it, my face contouring due to the burning sensation of the drink.

"YEAHHHH!" Alex shouted, her hands in the air, cheering me on as I tried to recover, placing the shot glass down. "Let's do one together! I want to take a video!" She shouted, grabbing a shot glass. "The burn gets easier the more you do it. Let's have fun tonight, stop thinking so hard. Your pretty little head shouldn't be this worried all the damn time" She said, and I decided to give in.

Before I knew it, we had downed four shots together and I was definitely starting to feel it.

"Feeling better?" Alex asked and I nodded, leaning my head back against her shoulder as we danced with the crowd of drunk, horny 20 something year old's.

My mind was numb.

I couldn't think about anything, I could just feel everything.

"This place is getting kind of boring. Is there somewhere fun we could go, just the two of us?" I asked her, turning around, wrapping my arms around her neck, my right wrist draping over the left.

"You're going to feel the effects of those shots soon. They're going to hit you like a bus" She laughed, moving my hair out of my face and behind my ear.

"But you said we're going to have fun tonight" I frowned, swaying a little.

"We should probably get you some water, and food. Come on, I'll buy" She held her arm around my waist, pushing the both of us through a few guys.

I sat at the table with her friends, eating some nachos and drinking some cold water, my stomach turning.

"Leigh, right?" One of her guy friends asked and I nodded, leaning my head against my palm. "So..." He started but he never finished, causing me to look over at him.

"Hm?" I hummed, glancing back down at the table.

"You seem.. different" He said and my face scrunched up as I turned to look at him.

"What do you mean?" I mumbled, my head hurting from the alcohol and the loud music.

"You're different than the type of girls Alex goes for"

"What?"

"Her friends. You're different" He said and I rolled my eyes muttering a "Thanks"

"Can I ask you something?" He asked and I sighed, but nodded. "Are you two together?" He asked and I shook my head. "Oh. I thought-"

"Yeah, I know. But no. We are not"

"Is this your first time with alcohol?" He asked and I nodded, replying, "That obvious huh?" I asked, trying to ignore the guilty feeling in the back of my mind.

"Just a little" He laughed, "It's good you're drinking and eating though. It will absorb the alcohol" He told me and I just nodded again, pretending to know what he was talking about.

It was quiet for a moment, and I felt my phone buzz against my leg in my purse, ignoring it; the guy spoke again, "What did she give you?" He continued, my head pounding from the loud music.

"Vodka"

"Whewhoohoo" He breathed out with a small laugh, an impressive? sound coming from him, causing me to frown.

"What?"

"Pretty hard liquor for a first timer"

"Why"

"It'll fuck you up pretty quick. How many did you have?" He asked, and I looked down at my glass of water, wishing it was something else to numb the now prominent guilt feeling in the back of my head.

"I don't know. She kept handing me things, and I already fucked up, so why not keep going?" I shrugged, leaning back against the booth, glancing away from the bright lights.

What would Colby say? Aaliyah? Logan? My parents?

Is Stephen mad at me?

Am I selfishly ruining Gemma's life?

"Fucked up?" He asked and I nodded, the guilt slowly making its way into my head as I started to sober up, grabbing another nacho. "Fucked up how? Because you had so many or?" He asked and I honestly wasn't even thinking anymore.

I already messed up, what's there to lose?

"I um.. I'm a recovering drug addicted" I mumbled and I didn't dare look over at him, playing with the triangle chip in the food basket.

"Oh- wait.. does alcohol count?" He asked and I shrugged, playing with my food.

"That's the million dollar question tonight isn't it?" I asked, now playing with the straw in my water cup. "I'm very sorry.. but what's your name again?" I asked, my vision a little blurred.

He laughed, stealing one of my nacho's after he replied with "Scott" making me nod.

"And how do you know Alex?" I asked softly, wincing as the music got louder.

"We've been friends for years" He told me and I nodded again, my fingers rubbing my temples. "So um.. I know this is none of my business.. but does your recovery start over now?" He asked and I shrugged. "Wait, why did Alex give you Vodka if you're an addict? Wait, second question, why'd she bring you to a bar?" He asked and I chuckled, resting my elbows on the semi sticky bar table, resting my jaw against my right hand knuckles, turning to look at him.

"She didn't know"

"Oh... why?"

"Not exactly a first meeting type of conversation. Hi, my name's Leigh and I have a drug problem, how's the weather?" I mocked and he laughed, his shoulder meeting his jaw in a way to say fair enough.

"You told me" He noted and I shrugged, "Yeah well, that wasn't planned now was it?" I asked, grabbing the water.

"How do you feel?" Scott asked, seeming genuine.

"Like shit, but at least I physically feel how I've emotionally felt right? What are some good drinks here? If I have to restart my recovery, and I've already fucked up, might as well go all out tonight, right?" I asked and he was quiet as I reached for the drink menu that one of Alex's friends left.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asked me, and I ignored him, scanning the options. "Shouldn't you-"

"I'll be right back, I want to go try this strawberry daiquiri" I cut him off, sliding out from the booth, fixing the way the skirt was sitting before b-ling it to the bar.

I ordered my drink, grabbing my wallet so I could pay the bartender when someone cleared their throat next to me.

"Leighton? What are you doing here?"

* * * *

Written on: July 10th, 11th, 14th 2022

Word Count: 3.8k

Part Nine

#colbybrock #colbybrockfanfiction #katrinastuart #samgolbach #samgolbachfanfiction #colbybrockimagine #wattpadrecs #addiction #drugaddiction #alcoholaddiction #relapse #triggerwarning #wattpad #alcohol consumption

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