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ssssedatemeee · a day ago
* Drake's I'm upset plays in background *
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Ugh. So I posted prev about BAE+court etc. And instead of locking him up, the lawyer fought to get him drug court. Seemed like a good idea at first but now he's wishing he choose his prison sentence over drug court. Prison may of been like 6 -8 months? Drug court involves him going to detox for min 2 weeks on Monday. Then intense weekly court attndence including clean urine. He's only gotta have methadone in his system. If he uses and admits it to the judge say the only minus 1 point. If he lies butthe urine is dirty say minus 5 points. Then like say 30 points = 2 week jail stint or detox again. Fucking up 3 of those chances = doing your maximum prison sentence. As the year goes by he will drop down with the court visits from weekly to fortnightly to monthly. It's just fucked. He wanted to get clean so I suggested drug court and I feel bad he's not into it anymore and kinda stuck. Where I live drug court is like ~~~ winning a lottery ticket~~ or so they say because it's hard to get into and you need to meet a certain criteria plus you'll only be offer d it once.
And I'm kinda not ready to be alone all the time. I can take care of myself. But sleeping alone sucks. Plus he's taking the Audi away to his parents over bullshit!!!! So I'm upset. I have the weekend with him then he's off.....
yesterday he
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thepsychedelicfubars · 2 days ago
what ever happened to drug tumblr? haven’t been around since 2018ish sporadically and 2016 regularly. it seems so...desolate
i hope y’all muthafuckas #1: are alive and #2: did not migrate to reddit drugs bc seriously fuck reddit
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ssssedatemeee · 2 days ago
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OMG that was the SECOND TIME within like 2 hours that somebody has come up to me sitting in my car to ask if I’m okay. At least this time the dude actually works at the gas station I’m parked at and said that I am perfectly fine to stay parked here, so I don’t feel like I have to rush off...however, I have to pee, they do have a public restroom, and it’s too populated to do my drugs so, exit I shall.
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spunhub · 4 days ago
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Im not sure about this batch... i let it puddle and there was strands of crystals growing up out of the puddle is that just MSM or should I be more concerned
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the-lowz-of-highz · 6 days ago
I often feel like I can't relate to many other addicts at this point in my life. I keep to myself and avoid bad situations as much as possible. I don't live the life most people expect out of an addict. I don't fuck people over or do any of that dirty shit. I don't even like most drugs or care about getting high. As long as I'm well, functional, not in withdrawal, etc. and I'm able to run errands, take care of my dog, and be there for my loved ones I'm content with that. I'm at the point where when people I use to hang out with back in the day hit me up asking about drug related stuff, asking to pick up, wanting to use together, etc. I just ignore it because I don't want anything to do with that life. I don't want to meet up with someone and end up dragged along on a mission somewhere in the stolen car they're driving without a license. I want to avoid the sketchy people and situations, I've always thought like this and been like this to a degree. But now it's so much so that I just stay to myself, use once in the morning, once in the evening before bed, and move on with my life. I just want to live as normal of a life as possible. If I have to do that alone for many more years I have absolutely no problem doing that. I'm not willing to risk the progress I've made. I'm too scared of ever ending up back where I once was again.
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opanasky · 6 days ago
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dyed my hair lavender and i’m gonna be more active again let’s goooo
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nanashirisoles · 6 days ago
I posted about my withdrawal on the benzodiazepines reddit and no one really commented? I guess people are more interested there if you are an active addict than someone who's stopping smh
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nanashirisoles · 7 days ago
Honestly everyday that passes is a victory on my sobriety cloud but also a reminder that I might fall from this cloud, and I want fall from it so bad.
Do not get me wrong, I am happy and proud of my achievement, I recovered my memory, I don't need to recheck what I said to people anymore, I remember what I did this week and all these things. But I am on state of alert all the time.
I am afraid all the time that I might have a panic attack and break, I hate who I am without the pills, I hate the lack of confidence to work and to talk to people, I really hate who I am right now even though the drug was literally destroying my brain.
The withdrawal sucks, I am either anxious or angry all the time. Good thing is, because of pandemic the probability of me having a panic attack going out is really low because I am not really going out... but I almost took Codeine to try to relax, and replacing a benzo addiction with opiate addiction might not be a good idea.
This is just a vent, I am not planning on relapse, I already spent a lot of money on treatment and I don't want to disappoint the people I love.
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exjunkiebaby · 8 days ago
Never say “never”
I said I would never touch heroin again, which is a promise I have kept for almost 6 months. That’s great and everything, but I recently found myself in San Francisco with a bag of fentanyl in my hands. This was a month ago, and I was so ashamed that I haven’t really had the courage to write about it until now,
I feel so disgusted. Why would I smoke this shit drug that is capable of killing me on the spot? Why would I gamble with my life like that? Why would I be So fucking selfish? Why can’t I think about my parents, who have invested hundreds of thousands of dollars on my life? It’s not about money. it never was. But they supported me through every single endeavor I pursued. And as a thank you gift, I decide it’s a great idea to relapse on the drug that already killed me back in July.
I was on the phone with my mom today. She said in Spanish, “You know, you have a guardian angel. And that angel is working overtime to keep you safe. So please, just relax and enjoy your life.” After I hung up the phone I began to sob. She was right. I should be dead right now, or locked up in an institution - but here I am, In a new city, with a decent job in a decent apartment with all the support a human could ask for. Sure, my family isn’t very emotional or sensitive (we never talk about our feelings or how I’ve hurt them) - but that’s what my therapist is for. Was for. I’m 26 now so I lost my insurance. I don’t receive any outside help and I know it’s effecting me in a negative way.
I’m sick in the head. I have many mental illnesses that need to be treated. Even when I stay clean, my bulimia becomes violent and my obsession to pick my scalp is unnerving. My sister thinks that we both suffer from OCD. I agree. And I sighed in relief when she told me this - because I thought my sister was “perfect” and couldn’t truly understand how demonic my thought patterns are. But she has my blood, and my gene pool is FULL of undiagnosed mental health issues that go untalked about.
I keep forgetting to write. But here I am. I’m alive and I’m still trying. I go to work, I see my lover (he broke up with me but we still sleep together and spend every weekend together, so nothing has really changed), I try and smile and hang out with sober friends but my anxiety is debilitating. Some days I feel completely disabled and useless. I hate that I had to be dumped to realize what a great partner I had in my life. I’m doing everything in my power to make things right between us. I will NOT let this addiction destroy another relationship. He’s a normie so he has no idea what I go through; he always listens and and never judges. He just needs me to be honest. And let’s face it: I’m a fucking liar.
We all are. If you’re an addict, you’re probably a liar. You’re probably selfish. And you’re definitely in pain and suffering from a real disease. All I can do is share my words - that’s truly all I can do.
Watching Demi Lovato share her story about overdosing on fentanyl through her documentary series and newest song has inspired me to be candid about my own experience. I don’t have as much influence as she does, but fuck, I know this epidemic needs another junkie willing to bare it all in order to shed light on the truth.
I’m sorry if I keep disappointing you. But you need to understand, recovery is not linear. You don’t go to rehab and come out a “fixed” person. It’s an every day battle I have to fight the second I open my eyes every morning (afternoon). I’ll pray for you if you pray for me. 
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