#dont mind me being insanely petty over a friend

[catwaifuwu]

HOW YOU DARE?! >:3

How dare I what? My tits are huge and my hubris is huger and I honestly believe I could effortlessly destroy you

#ask catwaifu #random-conspiracy #dont mind me being insanely petty over a friend #anyways youre one to speak with the tags you left on spikes post

[casualheizouenjoyers]

☆.｡.:* 07. so it goes... ✍︎

previous | masterlist | next

☆.｡.:*   cruel summer

☆.｡.:*  synopsis: you are a small streamer centered on cozy gaming and your ongoing series of ranking every taylor swift song in a tier list. scaramouche is a competitive speed runner in a streamer group called “the harbingers” that has an insanely large fan base. your paths only cross once he subtweets about your content and your favorite artist, causing a petty online argument that might lead to something else.

ㅤㅤ ╰ཱི ࣭ ࣪ ❁𝆬  ࣭  ྏ ࣭  ͘ ｡ ࣪ ✐ yntaylorsversion is live!  ̣ ࣪ ྌ

“Hi, chat!” You greeted with a light smile as viewers began to flood into the stream, a little more people than you’d usually get. You quickly fumbled with your settings until your webcam turned on and a little video of your face popped up in the corner of the stream.

You gave a wave to the camera, and then picked a random playlist to play in the background. “Hi, guys!” You said again for the people who joined after your first greeting.

“So, today, we’re playing on a new minecraft server with Venti and Xiao!” You explained as you changed from your starting screen to the minecraft tab, your mouse hovering over the join server button. You take a quick glance at the chat to see what they’re saying.

rainbow-dreams

HELP DONT EXPOSE THE SERVER IP 😭😭

ynluvs

ur my comfort streamer but do we really need to listen to Taylor swift for the sixth stream in a row 🧍

rxtten_bxnes

beep beep eueueueu

kazu_zu

I can’t believe ur friends w childe?? have you not read the thread of what he’s done 🤨

“I’m not gonna leak the IP! At least, I hope I don’t. And yes, we do need to listen to Taylor swift for the sixth stream in a row,” You said as you kinda unintentionally made liking Taylor Swift apart of your brand.

“Okay, I’m going to join the VC real quick,” You said as you looked over at your discord, looking for the vc that Venti and Xiao were in. You found them at the very last one labeled vc 69…. How mature of them :)

“—aaaAAAAAAAA,” Venti’s voice immediately filled your ears, causing you to flinch.

“Venti, shut up,” Xiao said with a groan. “Hello, Y/n,” He said, clearly already annoyed with Venti.

“Hi! Why are we screaming?” You asked while your ears recovered from the screech.

“I was being chased by a spider,” Venti said, reminding you to actually join the world.

“Your fault for running into a cave with no touches,” Xiao said. “I’ll bring your stuff back to spawn,”

“Thank you, Xiao-Xiao!” Venti replied, knowing that Xiao didn’t like Venti calling him that.

“Never mind!” Xiao responded. You chuckled at the conversation between the two, finally clicking the join server button and loading into the server.

“Wait, I’m sorry!! Please bring my stuff to spawn?” Venti pleaded. “Please please please please pleaseeee?”

“That was like… six pleases you gotta say yes, Xiao,” You laughed.

“Alright, fine,” Xiao caved in.

“Y/n, are you joining?” Venti asked.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just taking forever to load,” You responded, tapping your fingers against your desk. Finally, after what seemed like forever, you spawned into the minecraft server.

Your two friends were just… standing there awkwardly waiting at the spawn, it seemed.

“You could’ve at least given me a jump scare warning!” You said, punching Venti’s in game character and watching him die just from that, his inventory of flowers and apples spreading out across the spawn area.

“Why were you on one heart??” Xiao asked, exasperated.

“Uhhhh…” Venti said as he spawned back in. “Fall damage?” He responded as if he wasn’t sure.

Xiao crouched in game, giving Venti his flowers and apples back.

“Aww, thank you!” Venti, crouching and moving closer to Xiao. “Mwah!” He acted as if his Minecraft avatar kissed Xiao’s and then ran away.

“Ewwww,” You groaned, dramatically, at the show of (pixalated) affection. 

The three of you went through the regular new Minecraft server motions, punching trees and mining ore… or in Venti’s case picking flowers and dying every five seconds. You had found a pretty little flower field and started building a cozy little starter home.

Everything was going pretty nice! Until…

“Chat, I am focused on building this roof right now, I cannot read what you’re saying!” You noticed the chat going by a little faster, but you were too hyper focused on making the roof for your little cottage.

“Y/n!!” Venti said. “Y/n, look out!”

“Not now, Venti,” You said, placing the second to last block

“It’s hopeless, Ven” Xiao sighed.

“Huh—” You were knocked off the roof, taking additional damage along with the fall damage. Turning around, you saw another player standing on top of your house.

Scaramouche ran the other direction; you followed behind,  stringing out sentences of curses.

authors note: ignore that the mc screenshot is obviously edited i dont have friends who plays minecraft LMAO. ngl writing third person is out of my comfort zone so i hope this is decent lmao

☆.｡.:*  taglist: @raideneiari @sakiimeo @starryeyedkoko @lightlyfeatheredquailqin @thenightsflower @isa-solasun @lilactaro @imdeadlyboredhelp @arizzu @turningfrogsgay @icedmocha1 @feverish-dove @xiaosonlybeloved @sukunasrealgf @eutopiastar @shinunoga-iie-wa @phoenix-eclipses @crueldinasty @sashiette @hotgirlshit5 @certaindreampost @atlaincorrect @aludicpoet @justawalkingdisaster @m3gitsune @mechanicalbeat1 @distinguished-simp @mayacheiko

#smau #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #scaramouche smau #scaramouche x reader #genshin smau #genshin impact smau #piers writes #cruel summer : chapters

[mothtarts]

Just wanted to say that you are so real over your post about Cleo and Pearl and their weird ass homo relationship. Their relationship is just weird. I mean that in a good, kind of makes me insane type of way when I look at it from a narrative perspective

Okay. You. Walk with me, walk with me. I truly believe that if we rank duos and groups and yadda yadda based on popularity, Cleo and Pearl’s dynamic is one that is not talked about enough and is definitely underrated. Thats my genuine opinion

I enjoy the angst between Scott and Pearl in DL as much as the next person but I wish theres more discussion and just insane blabbering posts [like me right now] talking about Cleo and Pearl’s dynamic

Cleo became a part of Scott and Pearl’s group in LL, forming the 3Gs. Theyve established a bond, through the heist, the trust that Pearl showed to her fellow teammates to inform them of the rigged boogie [HA] dance room. Pearl is a very loyal person, all of the three are

And it’s this bond, this loyalty and joy over their previous group that Pearl got so excited over possibly teaming up with both Scott and Cleo after turning Martyn away, only to be shocked and hurt over Gatekeep and Gaslight refusing to let Girlboss join. The break up of the 3Gs, the birth of Divorce Duo and the beginning emergence of Scarlet Pearl

Thats something I dont see much acknowledged as well or like you know, be insane over. That while yes, Scott rejected and refused to team up with the person he is soulbounded with, may it be because of pride or just continuously being petty or both. The hurt cut deeper with how Cleo went along with it

The loyalty between Scott and Cleo and their shared disregard and rejection of Pearl are the first thorns to dig within her heart

And it just makes me think. Does Cleo get haunted with the fact that she had a hand in Pearl’s insanity? Do silent apologies in her mind play whenever she is around Pearl, never to be said and the words that do come out only cuts Pearl deeper with how sharp her tongue is? Does Cleo’s heart feel? Does is it ache as they watched Scott wince and grimace and complain over the pain in his shoulders?

[these are just things I think over the headcanons I have, basically feeling each other’s pain not only with the game’s mechanic but in a story sense that even just little things like getting a papercut, accidentally burning yourself while cooking and your soulbond feeling that pain. In this case, I’m referring to my headcanon that Pearl doesnt mind the bite of the snow but it gets to her that shes alone in her tower, in her lonesome with no one to fall back on. Having Tilly helps but only for so long before she cant stand it anymore. So sometimes she cant help but hug herself, try to bring herself comfort but unknowingly digs her nails in through her hoodie, there is pain in her jaw being clenched so tight in an attempt to not let herself be wrecked with sobs only for her to struggle to breathe through her nose because the ball in her throat is making it clogged with the effort shes trying to exert to just not break down from not only losing one friend but two]

So yes does Cleo wonder? Do they think about Pearl alone in her tower? Does she know Pearl does this? No she doesnt. They think that Pearl is probably doing something else that makes Scott also hurt and not get a good night’s sleep. Hahaha you know just thoughts to bring up the angst more

Welp. Anyways this was a lot. I can honestly go on and on about the dynamic and angst and feels between them but I feel embarrassed with how much I already typed. Apologies that you have to be the unfortunate soul to receive this ramble of mine [I’m actually just a lurker and dont really post anything but here have a smidge of my thoughts]

OMGGG FUXK YEA WOAOWOWKWKWKJWWINQOOOOOO WOOOOOOOO YEAA

but like on a more serious note woa anon you fucking put it into words perfectly

a huggeee reason i love the dynamic of this season is because pearl has specifically been targeting cleo, no she is out for blood and it’s so fun. the fact that cleo burns her dog pack, the same kind of pack she had in dl makes me go crazy.

cleo remembers scarlet pearl vividly, more than anyone else since (from what i remember) she got murdured by pearl. she probably got triggered by the dog pack and acted in pure instinct. pearl doesn’t know that tho, she took that personally.

the person that encouraged her soulmate to never trust her again, who made her alone and vulnerable, now coming back to destroy the one lifeline she has in this series??? it’s perfect

cleo has watched pearl through her worst, seen her through her most wretched and evil moments and came out of it stronger, while pearl became a husk of her former self, now longing for the day she becomes a red life and can snap and wreck havoc again.

it’s also not lost on me that cleo has a huge ducking chance of winning, and she’ll prob fight pearl at some point since shell wanna get revenge

#anon ask #anonymous #pearlescentmoon #zombie cleo #zombiecleo #life series #life smp #trafficshipping #traffic life series

[joshuaalbert]

harry kim… ive missed your voyager posting but i want to hear your thoughts on dear harry boy…

favorite thing about them

he's my most favoritest guy. i love him. if like .03% of the things that had happened to him happened to me i'd be out there murdering bitches or something and he's still just out here being a nice friendly guy who tries his best for the ship and for other people. like sometimes they do a rly good job of making it clear that there's this very deep well of resolve to him and he is an incredibly hard person to break despite experiencing the horrors so so so often. BUT i also love it when he's unhinged like he absolutely deserves to get to go off the rails sometimes. and i like it when he's making little petty comments he deserves that too.

least favorite thing about them

i mean we all know this but he's SO fucked over by the writers/showrunners. there's literally no reason for the no promotion/left out of major storylines/frequently sidelined in favor of other characters deal except some like. racist bullshit. writers will be like "well we just don't think he's an interesting character" bitch then make him interesting lol that's your job.

brOTP

harry and b'elanna literally the single most important dynamic in the show to me. every episode that they don't have a scene together i think about committing unfathomable acts of violence. i really enjoy that they genuinely feel like friends who care tremendously about each other (although i wish we saw them hanging out more off duty or in the mess hall or whatever).

also like idk if it's a brotp because they're not like Bros but the harry and janeway dynamic makes me feel uhh vaguely insane. now that you're here someone can understand what i mean when i say it's kind of the inverse of picard and wesley in a lot of ways lmao.

OTP

honestly i cannot deny the weird gay thing he and tom have going on. with tom and b'elanna i can be like yeah she deserves better but a) he's usually better to harry than b'elanna because the writers don't seem to know how to write romantic storylines without some bullshit and b) it lowkey doesn't matter if harry deserves better because regardless of my opinions they just Do Have a weird and compelling fucked up gay thing. the chute literally exists.

also my beloved friend @aberfaeth who was my source of voy knowledge before i started watching voy is a ptk enthusiast and i like. very much see that in some arrangement i like whatever they've all got going on

nOTP

uhhh. hm. i dont know that i have one in terms of things that people actually ship? i am very not fond of the show's trend of giving him like tall blonde traditionally (western) beautiful women as like short term love interests that we're clearly supposed to assume he has absolutely no chance with because he's a lame nerd. in a vacuum him always going for like women that fit a specific mold of Hot Girl that he basically never actually has chemistry with would give comphet but i do think in this case it's far more representative of, again, the racist bullshit and it being very clear that they don't see him as being a viable romantic option.

random headcanon

i have not been rotating him in my mind long enough to have a ton of these but i do very much stand by my harry and b'elanna undefeatable battle bots build team headcanon

unpopular opinion

im not immersed enough in the voy ecosystem enough to know what opinions are popular tbh but i do think any headcanon that has harry like pining after tom is simply not a correct interpretation of events imo

favorite picture of them

like I said. I like it when he’s unhinged and when he’s petty.

#i didn't have answers to some of these so i just uhh got rid of them but i still had a lot to say anyway lol #ty ty!!! #when nobody else got me etc #ask game

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

#ive been writing this on and off since 830 am est SHEESH #dreamwastaken #dream critical #eh i think im relatively lenient of him here given my past posts ab him #but still just in case the blacklist tags for yalls convenience: #discourse #/neg #asks #long post #long posts #this a LONG one bois #morango

[tibby]

If you dont mind me asking, how do you think the writers should've actually written Nancy in S2 and S3 keeping in line with the way she was written in S1 - in regards to everything including Jancy, Stancy, Murray, her interactions (or rather lack thereof) with Mike, etc.

first of all, i would not include murray whatsoever. or at least, i would not include the version of murray from the show: a man who takes advantage of grieving parents and thinks there’s nothing wrong with getting minors drunk and encouraging them to fuck in his house. keep him as a conspiracy theorist who’s friendly with hopper if only because he’s unfortunately pretty important to the plot at this point, but take away all his creepiness.

make the monster hunting trio her core dynamic as opposed to making it all about jancy. it’s what makes the most sense for all three characters, and it meant we could have avoided people demonising nancy for the breakup and also less freaks would be shipping steve with their glorified racist. even if steve still had to be separated them for the plot to advance, establishing that the three of them are friends would have done so much for the narrative. it would have also given steve and nancy the chance to have a more clear breakup in which they both get to express their feelings and apologise for what went wrong, actually showing that they can’t live out the perfect high school fantasy anymore instead of steamrolling right over them to make room for repression central.

my hatred of jancy is hardly a secret, but if the show had to go in that direction, then having them established friends of s2....makes so much more sense? like people refer to them as friends to lovers in canon which they are...absolutely not. make them friends, cut nancy’s line about how they only talk when the world’s about to end and how she ~waited~ for him (for a month, as if jonathan and his family weren’t recovering from so very traumatising stuff.) their friendship with steve means throwing away making their entire relationship based on “shared trauma,” but that’s underdeveloped nonsense anyway, and if their relationship can’t exist without it, then that’s just bad writing anyway. also, don’t have them get together because a middle aged man told them to fuck, holy shit???

don’t have nancy go off with the byers family at the end of season two. have her stick with her sibling, the one she promised she’d be closer with following the events of s1. she contributed virtually nothing to the plot in the last episode, and at least putting her with steve and the kids would give her the chance to a) work things out with steve because they might be breaking up but they’re still friends and b) show that she actually cares about mike.

also, cut the weird line about how girls are stupid but they grow up or whatever it is she says to dustin at the snow ball. the scene itself was sweet, but that was such a weird “i’m not like other girls....i’m written by two men who never got over high school and are using me to fulfil their jerk off fantasies” line.

season three nancy is barely the nancy i fell in love with, lmao. more than anything, i’d have her not to be incredibly classist and just kind of...rude and disrespectful to jonathan’s experiences of abuse? like she’s just mean in season three. 

also, if you really want to make a narrative about sexism in the workplace and overcoming it, then don’t combine actual harassment with...having to run coffees as a teenage intern? acting as if it’s ridiculous that jonathan (who has EXPERIENCE with photography) got a more prominent role than her? basically being like “wow how could these adults NOT believe two teenage interns rambling about insane rats....sexism wins again.” the message was completely undermined by including all this petty bullshit, as well as being written by two men who don’t respect women in capacity themselves.

oh, and cut her fucking ~girlboss~ moment with predator, reaganite, and neglectful mother, karen wheeler.

honestly as much as i love “i just think there’s something really wrong with this rat”, did jonathan and nancy’s actual plot in s3 even contribute to the overall narrative? like, why did they even have this plot in the first place? it was pointless. i’d honestly change it, completely tbh: have jonathan get possessed instead of billy (who still gets flayed though, because fuck that guy), have nancy drawn into the kids plot earlier when she realises jonathan is acting strange, actually give her character emotional depth and weight.

keep her being a bitchy little dyke to robin though. that was fun.

#this is incoherent but lol i'm just mad over who nancy could have been #ask #Anonymous

[queen-lills]

7x16 thoughts

start off saying i’m scared and watching this on thursday at 9:43 in the morning between classes

EMORI DONT DIE

“i’ve used one on myself” *visible confusion*

COME ON

YESSSSSSS

raven and murphy caring about emori is adorable

upgrade to TWO guns. iconic

is that the fucking stone glowing??

sound good?? no?? tf?? that’s terrifying???

overkill much clarke? literally.

FRIENDS bahaha that was disappointing

oh jeez... young romance

yay raven!!!

raven just nit being shocked that everyone left just shows they’ve been through so much

oh we’re just jumping right into it huh

wow that’s a really weak army huh

this is gonna be a gross surgery huh??

NO NO NO NO PLEASE NO

IVE SAID IT SINCE THE FIRST FUCKING EPISODE NOOOOOO

also beautiful performance from all four of them

sup skairipa, you icon

LEXA LEXA LEXA LEXA LEXA OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

clarke saying “i know” is devastating

this whole scene is insane and i don’t know what’s happening and if it’s going well or not

not the lever.

that was just evil to make lexa say that to clarke

also... wtf does that MEAN

okay now what’s happening with emori?? is this the afterlife??

oh damn if he dies because of this

okay this scene is officially devastating

raven if you die first i’m gonna be so mad

ah shit. the ark.

ABBY OMG

if raven changes the mind of an all knowing being i’m gonna fucking laugh my ass off

levitt NO

OCTAVIA NO

ECHOOOO

what is that run. omg. i’m fucking dying

sheidheda imma fucking throw hands. to think i stanned you and your singing last episode

fucking octavia being a queen. i love her so much.

raven looks so proud right now

i honestly don’t think i’ve ever heard octavia talk so much in one scene

i have chills

ITS HAPPENING

I HAVE CHILLS

they had some fun huh??

MADI NO PLEASE MAKE IT

if clarke doesn’t go... she better

the fucking poses of the light bahahahahha

PICASSO!!!

you know that EJ had treats in her hand that that dog was sniffing

where’d he go???🥺🥺

LEXA???or judge??

that was so petty. i loved that.

THEY STAYED

the TEARS on my face

so overall thoughts. fuck sheidheda. umm i’m sad we didn’t get madi at the end but i’m happy that she’s okay. having lexa there, even if it wasn’t really her, made me so happy. i’m really happy that EVRYONE didn’t die. i think i’m still just in shock over the fact that it’s over.

#the 100 season seven spoilers #the 100 season seven #the 100 #levitt the 100 #clarke griffin #octavia blake #lexa kom trikru #indra kom trikru #gaia kom trikru #jordan green #hope diyoza #echo kom azgeda #raven reyes #sheidheda #picasso the dog #john murphy #emori kom spacekru

[wuvbug-kny]

too late — kamado tanjirou

↬ tw!! suicidal thoughts

↬ tanjirou x fem!reader x inosuke

↬ genre: angst

“i-i really do like you..um, it wasnt easy to confess b-but..yeah..”

my body shook. my head ached. my anxiety was over the roof. what was i thinking, why would i confess to him?! oh god. im going insane. what was i thinking..

i felt tears in my eyes start to form as my body got hotter by the second. my fists were clenches togethee tightly, nails digging into my palms as my heart raced at an unsteady pace. i gulped. why wasnt he saying anything? why is he just standing there? oh no.. my eyes remained stuck onto the ground as the knot in my throat got tighter. the tears that had formed in my eyes began to fall to the ground, and out of embarassment i lowered my head even more hoping he wouldnt notice.

tanjirou, please dont break me more than i already am broken.

“(y/n)..”

“y-yes?”

“im sorry.

i cant reciprocate your feelings.”

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

i felt numb. i felt like complete, utter trash.

i felt worthless. i feel worthless.

of course it turned out that way.

why did i get my hopes up? why was i so dumb? to think someone like him would love such a lonely, miserable girl like me.

my heart ached. ever since i felt like the hole in my chest had gotten the biggest its ever been. it hurt, the pain was incredibly painful, i felt like i seeped even more into darkness than the darkness i was emorsed in before.

god, why am i so miserable? what is this life you’ve given me? what is my purpose?

sometimes, no, at all times i just want to disappear.

the knock on my door startled me, causing me to jump up from my laying position on my bed, in result of getting up too fast i had landed on my floor painfully. i grunted in pain as more tears began to spilled out from my eyes.

im miserable..

quickly sitting up, i wiped the tears from my tomato reddened face before sucking everything up as best as i could.

“y-yes?” i replied to the knocking coming from my door.

the knocking got even louder.

confused, i called out again. “y-yes??”

i jumped, shrieking slightly as the door was kicked open. am i under attack? but this is the butterfly estate! scrambling to my bed like the coward i was, i quickly pulled out my blade, pointing it towards the now beaten down door.

“w-who is it??” i shivered.

“(y/n), you bird brain! training has started and everyone is still waiting on you!!”

in came inosuke, wearing his boar mask as usual.

i lowered my blade and sighed shakily, before putting it away. “i-inosuke..you scared me. you could of just answered to me instead of kicking my door open..” i said, getting up from the bed.

“whatever! you should be at training! you’re holding everyone up, you stupid hag!” he huffed, crossing his arms.

i forcefully made myself laugh, even though i was in now way amused by his words.

hes right.

im a burden to everybody.

i shouldnt be here.

i should just die.

im so worthless.

everyone would be better off without me.

without realizing, i felt the warmness of my tears flowing down my face. i felt my heart ache so badly, my body shaking.

unable to hold my stance, i fall to the floor. sobbing.

because im so pathetic.

taking my bruised up hands, i quickly try to wipe the tears away but they just keep coming, and coming. i cant stop. i cant stop. my bubble has bursted, i have no more energy, i have no energy to keep it all in anymore, i cant control myself.

as i was too busy drowning in my negative, self killing thoughts, i was interrupted when my hands were pulled away from my face.

a little taken aback, but still having tears flowing down my face, i looked up.

inosuke..

“what are you, a baby? stop it.” he grumbled as he wiped my tears away with his thumb. his thumb glided across my cheek, flicking my tears away as gently as ever. for a moment i felt my heart warm. this is the first time ive ever been carressed so gently. i loved the feeling, but at the same time surprised as to who i was recieving it from.

“dont cry anymore. i dont like it.” his hands gently carressed my face now as his emerald eyes looked into mine. i felt my heart skip a beat, the empty deep feeling in my chest being forgotten at the very moment. i couldnt look away from his eyes.

for the first time ever, i felt like. i was okay.

i teared up again, but before i could let the tears spill i engulfed inosuke in a hug. an endearing, loving, grateful hug. i sobbed as i buried my face into his chest.

“t-thank you. thank you so much.”

i felt his arms wrap around my shaking figure gently, as he at the same time patted my head.

i was honestly surprised as to what was going on right now. out of all people, inosuke.

you’ve made me so happy. you’ve made me feel safe, okay, and wanted.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

two months had passed ever since tanjirou had turned me down.

honestly, i had nothing against tanjirou. i never expected him to like me, heck, love me back even. i never expected him to reciprocate my feelings. but at the same time, i felt like i still had a chance. i dont know what was going through my mind at the time.

i still loved tanjirou. maybe not as much as before, but i knew i still had the slightesy feelings for him. i try my best to talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. i really just want to move on from it.

as much as i hate myself for it, seeing him and talking to him makes me feel worthless. i hate myself for feeling that way. if i could go back in time and redo everything, i most certainly would.

what hurt me even more was to see how close he had gotten himself with kanao. it was no surprise to me, honestly. kanao is a very pretty girl, and she’s just way better than me in general in regards to demon slaying and skill wise.

no wonder tanjirou would take interest in her.

i was happy for him, i really was. i held no resent towards kanao at all. afterall, it would be petty and childish.

kanao was a dear friend to me and if they really did have chemistry between one another, i do really wish them the best.

i just cant help but pity myself.

“(y/n)!”

i squeaked in surprise as i was suddenly lifted off the ground by a pair of arms around my waste and twirled around. it took me a moment to realize that it was nobody but inosuke, before having a giggling fit.

“i-inosuke! put me down!” i laughed as he started to make plane noises. i felt myself blush as his eyes locked itself with mine, before averting my gaze to block him from noticing my face had turned into a tomato red.

ever since i broke down in front of inosuke and had him comfort me, we’ve gotten a lot closer. not much has changed between us personality wise, but he associated with me way more and always seemed ready whenever id ask him a favor, etc. he also now liked to pick me up and pretend to toss me, or making plane noises as he twirled me around.

he’s honestly like my best friend now. i can actually talk to him about how i feel deep down inside. he listens but doesnt really give much input on it, but i dont mind. its inosuke afterall, what can i expect? all im grateful for is that he listens.

inosuke grinned before setting me back down on the floor. he patted my hat before literally collapsing onto the grass covered ground, yawning and using his arms to rest his head on.

“im tired, (y/n). take a nap with me.” he grunted, patting the spot next to him. i smiled before laying down too, as i looked up at the sky.

“hey, inosu-“ i cut myself off after i had looked at him and noticed he was already out like a light. i giggled a bit. hes such a baby, honestly.

i stared at his face a bit more and noticed how pretty and feminine his features were. his eyelashes were curled and at a beautiful length, his lips slightly parted making him look angelic. his fair skin with no scars made him look like an angel.

jeez, god really do be picking favorites.

i sighed before laying back down on the grass, closing my eyes as i rested my head on inosuke’s chest. i felt myself sleeping into sleep and just let it happen.

this was one of the many times i felt at peace, always with inosuke.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

“im telling you, inosuke and (y/n) have a thing going on! have you seen how they are with each other?!” falling onto the floor, zenitsu started to sob. “why, out of all people, him?! a pretty girl like (y/n) deserves better! eUUugGNnN!!”

“what are you guys talking about?” tanjirou asked as he walked into the room, a smile worn on his face as he laughed at zenitsu obviously being overdramatic about whatever it was.

aoi and the other three girls sighed as they continued on eating their lunch.

“zenitsu thinks (y/n) and inosuke are dating and hes freaking out about it because he knows he’ll never get someone as pretty as (y/n).” aoi said, laughing at the last part.

tanjirou froze, before laughing nervously. “aaah, dont say that, im sure zenitsu will find someone one day!”

aoi shrugged, followed on by more giggles coming from sumi and the two others.

“are (y/n) and inosuke really dating?” tanjirou asked, sitting down.

“dont even mention it! agh!” zenitsu cried from his laying position on the ground, before burying his face in his arms again.

aoi rolled her eyes before moving onto answering tanjirou. “well..no, actually yeah, no, we dont know. i mean it looks like it. they’ve gotten a lot of closer and inosuke is always up on (y/n) now. i mean, they’d make a really cute couple! i see the way (y/n) lights up when shes around him.”

“a-ah. i see.” tanjirou said, letting out a slight laugh. “well, im gonna head out to train now. ill see you all at dinner.”

aoi and the three girls said goodbye to him as he made his exit.

tanjirou walked down the halls of the butterfly estate, before stumbling upon the garden. he sighed, walking out with the intention to take a look at the peaceful view of the garden meadow and for some fresh air.

his peace was interrupted, however, as his eyes locked upon two well known people cuddled up on the garden grass, taking a peaceful nap.

his fists clenched, and so did his teeth.

he felt jealousy over power him. he did not realize it, but it was there and he felt it. he just didnt know what it was.

but what he knew, was regret.

that he had let (y/n) slip past him.

#kny tanjirou #tanjirou x reader #demon slayer tanjirou #angst #kny x reader #demon slayer inosuke #inosuke x reader #inosuke kny #im back #:(( <3 #kimetsunoyaiba #demon slayer #fanfic #kny fanfic #kny fandom

[uncrownedwords]

Trauma,

Let me paint a picture, a story in your mind. Trauma like a friend, has come to story time. With it , bring those flashbacks of the ones you'd rather hide . With it brings you forward all your petty lies behind the pride. A story left to tell for it's been hidden far to long;

Starting with a plane ride , and ending with one too. The day we picked you up the sky was just so blue. I thought this was a good thing,and boy I was so wrong for the trauma that consumed me --- would go on for far to long. You painted this pretty little picture of derangement in your head of how our life would be together as you stitched your thread together using my very soul, no noticed as you unraveling me at every point you could.

Compliant was I ever with the things put in my drinks you lied and told me , it was all just in my head as the flashes of me naked now fill my nights with dread. You claimed you where my master, you claimed you where a God, you claimed so many things you wanted without asking and reworded it as love . You forced my affection to feed your ego in this world of make belive. So scared was I, yet I stayed so hopeful that your promises of change where valid and authentic.

The moment you where angery the world stoped making sense, as your hands found my face over and over again. So bruised and so broken the ER was a home . So many lies that never unfolded as they saw the bruises you left scattered across my skin like a coloring book. Lies I told to save my life as you watched from the chair across the room . To busy would the cops have been , with what I was wearing to contrate on the purple way my skin tented after every time I disappointed you.

So mad where you with everyone's happiness that you took it out of me. Damaging my mind and my body in your pillaging drive to claim what was never yours.... Your name was their carved into my skin ... where you left it knife in hand. , where you left me on the bed in the dark alone, when you where done with your master plan . You gave me panic attacks and disguised it as love . As your fingers traced every mark in adoration of the ways in which you could unconsentually hurt me.

You stole every password, every shread of my identity, every inch of my existance hung on the balance of your every whim like the puppet I had become on a string waiting to be used whenever you saw fit to force my compliance. You reworded everything onto everyone else for the way you told us all the blue sky was purple in a hope to convince the world and yourself of the unfathomable horrors you claim to have blocked from your memory with the 7 plus other people you swore occupied your head. Still I belived you could change and such was the trauma , of every inch of my sanity slowly slipping away .

You took my peace of mind and the safty of home as you forced my phone into your hands and changed everything you could to block the outside world from me and me from the outside world. Because of you I'm scared to be in the dark for to long by myself, because of you I'm scared to go out at night or trust anyone at all , I guard my drinks closely , I watch what I eat and I try to hurry up in the shower so the water does not trap me in my own mind. Which attacks itself in constant fear of your return.

Somedays I dont pick up my phone at all because I can't bare one more alert, as you hack into things yet again. Screen shoting my words to send back to me in anger mophing me into a robotic version of myself only made to agree with you. So paranoid am I of technology as I block you on every form of media known to man yet you still find ways to torment me again and again. Because you tried to drown me in a tub and call it a baptism I'm scared to stay alone in the bathroom for to long. The sad thing is I know why I have these fears and still I see your face haunting me every second of the day . Because of you I am afraid of my own shadow and the thought of someone touching me alone is enough to drive me into panic.

Because of you I wake up screaming in the middle of the night and freak out enough to turn every light on in the house and hide under my bed. You duck taped my body and covered me in slurs as you dumped cold ice water all over me until I was drenched and still you didn't stop nothing was ever enough as you took pictures of me and sent them to your friends as you raped me and had no regret because of you I'm scared to have sex. Because of you I'm scared to even exist anymore. You took a chunk of my sanity the day you pushed me off the bed because I looked like a 'dead fish' after you assulted me.

The fear that never left my eyes as you shouted and screamed how stupid and worthless I was and how I would not amount to anything . The fear that never left my eyes when you punched me in the face and knocked me unconscious in a rage that two other people saw but yet you claimed you couldn't rememebr until they called you out on your bullshit. A fear to even use my bank because you forced me to give you the passwords and took all my money on the grounds I couldn't be trusted . Because you called and pretended to be me and closed my accounts .... there was never justification in your actions . In your financial, physical, emotional, mental , sexual or identity abuse because of you I have Trauma. There is no apology that can fix the mess you made as you tried to tell me you wished you could change, only to admit you where lieing in an effort to control me again. Which drove me insane.

You started drugs and forced every second of my 2019 to be as miserable as it could be , using our rent and car money to fuel your secondary needs as if the Meth you took was far more important then our need to survive. You hurt so many not just me but everyone else around us. Because of you I am afraid . Afriad to do the things I normally would have never been afraid to do . I'm scared to leave the house in fear of you being there again . You swore to me I would never be anyone elses as you created a fantasy I was forced to play along with for survival only to be thrown off guard as you knocked me unconscious and choked me so hard I turned blue . The cops and doctors never sided with you. All MY friends never sided with you. You ruined every inch of my sanity but yet you where insistent on taking more. This Trauma was never enough for you.

This is my voice, this is my statement from the nightmares, the terror filled dreams , the way I wake up screaming and crying and shaking like a leaf. Because the PTSD you caused is like a plague one of which spread to many different things as month after month my Stockholm got worse until I was so oblivious to your constant abuse. You caused me so much pain. Pain I couldn't handle as the doctors admited me for fear I may take my own life.... because of the trauma I endured. The trauma you spread over every part of our lives.

Anytime I was happy --- a road trip to a friends , three chances and at each turn you broke into my accounts... at each turn you dramatically lied to get your way for me to return. You threatened to kill anyone that stood in your way of getting to me. Yet still you saw no derangement in your illusions.

Trauma defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. That is all you are now as my words flow off the pages that is all you are now an experince --- a bad one with some good points an experince a lesson --- I had to learn to become stronger yeah I'm scared but that wont change how far I've come . I wont be afraid of you anymore. I refuse to let it define me because you hurt me , you broke every inch of trust sure. My hope though is one thing you will never have... never take and never betray like you did so much else.

You were wrong once you are nothing like him, the man who hurt us so badly that we United in solidarity .... you became him in your own self involved Prophecy--- I refuse to accept the blame for your mistakes. I refuse to cover up your false truths and ignore the fact that you ... need help. Help I can not provide but this is over now , said and done they know your flaws everyone and though I didnt use a name people have heard my story of the days in which my fears cause me the most worry. Trauma is everywhere and that's okay right now. My wounds will heal both mental and physical, but you'll always be the one who hurt another human being.

The end.

#trauma #ptsd #aniexty #fear #survivor #struggles #words #lost #staying alive #broken words #tattered memories #flashbacks #mental health #stop stocking me

[julibf]

QUEEN OF THE ASHES

I have been re watching the show from season 1, making notes in every episode and paying attention every time they change from one scene to another and its just unbelievable how much foreshadowing there is about Daenerys burning down KL. I believe that both Cersei and Daenerys will destroy Kings Landing fighting for the Throne, but the show has been pointing out to Dany pretty much from season 1. 

 S1 E3 – King Robert calls Jaime Lannister and asks him about the time he killed the Mad King Aerys. He asks Jaime what was the Mad King’s last words and Jaime says the king repeated what he has been saying for hours. **Burn them all**. The next scene its Daenerys in Essos riding with the Dothraki ordering them to stop the horde. Jorah comments that she is starting to speak as a queen and she corrects him: not a queen, a Khalessi. I have been re watching the show from season 1, making notes in every episode and paying attention every time they change from one scene to another and its just unbelievable how much foreshadowing there is about Daenerys burning down KL. I believe that both Cersei and Daenerys will destroy Kings Landing fighting for the Throne, but the show has been pointing out to Dany pretty much from season 1.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6GW03WsFgU&t=1s

S1 E10 – The sorceress Mirri Maz Dull tells Daenerys she killed her son because he would be the Stallion who Mounts the World, who would burn cities to the ground. The show is very precise about prophecies due the lack of time, they only show what is absolutely necessary. They left this prophecy because it will have relevance in the storyline. We now know that it was not Dany’s son, but Daenerys herself who would be The stallion who mounts. The prophecy says that the Stallion is the "khal of khals" who will unite all the Dothraki under his single khalasar and ride to the ends of the earth. That’s what Daenerys did in season 6 and 7. If the prophecy its confirmed, she will be the one burning cities and trampling nations into dust.

 >Daenerys: My child was innocent.

>Mirri: Innocent? He would be the Stalion who Mounts the World, now **he would burn no cities, now he will trample no nations into dust.**

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpvLlrlFgc

  S1 E10  - Dany decides to kill Khal Drogo and burn his body next to her dragon eggs. She lays next to him and promises to reunite with him one day "When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east".

The next scene happens in Kings Landing Kings Landing with Maester Pyrcelle and Ross in his room; he is remembering the Mad King and what likeable and charming man he used to be in his youth, before madness took over him.

 >“Aerys Targaryen, of all the thousands and thousands maladies, the Gods visits us, madness is the worst. He was a good man, such a charmer. To watch him melt away before my eyes, consumed with **dreams of Fire and Blood**”

https://youtu.be/wHJTYqLtRms

 The episode ends with Daenerys entering the fire pyre to eventually hatch the eggs and give birth to 3 dragons. She had this idea from a dragon dream in the early nights.

 S2 E4 - Dany arrives in Qarth and they dont want to let her in, thats the first time she threats to burn down a city and destroy completely. Daenerys is not mad or insane. Her pride its her weakness, she is a very arrogant woman and when her pride is hurt she loses her head and makes drastic and terrible decisions. This wont be the last time Daenerys threatens to burn a city to the ground.

 >Daenerys: Thirteen!!!!  when my dragons are grown, we will take back what was stolen from me, and destroy those who wronged me, we will lay waste to armies, and burn cities to the ground. Turns us way, and I will burn you first!!!

 https://youtu.be/In7YGhGt9Dw?t=3m9s

  S2 E5 – Tyrion finds out all the wildfire that its under Kings Landing, he mentions that its enough Wildfire to destroy all city.

**“The contents of this room could lay Kings Landing low”.**

The very next scene is Dany is Qarth, teaching Drogo to obey to her Dracarys order for the first time.

 https://youtu.be/YqMrgvy9uMA?t=2m

 S3 E4 – In this scene, Varys tries to alert Lady Ollena of how dangerous Littlefinger is. Pay attention at the words he uses to describe Littlefinger, those are the exact same words Tyrion used to describe Daenerys when he met her in Meeren.

 >Varys: **"Littlefinger was born with no lands, no wealth, no armies.** He acquired the first two, how long before he has the army?" Peharps you laugh, but I know him better than most and this is the truth."Littlefinger is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros.... he would see this country burn if he could be **King of the Ashes**

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFZen-XO5II

Varys was afraid that Littlefinger would destroy the realm trying to get the Iron Throne, so he decided to bring Daenerys to Westeros, ironically, she will be the one turning the kingdom into ashes.

 And here is something even better, this episode S3E4 ends with Daenerys literally acquiring her **first army**. She sacks Astapor and leaves with the Unsulied, getting her first army in order to invade Westeros. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGRyZSMzRyo)

 S3 E7 – In the Throne room Joffrey asks Tywin about Daenerys and wonders if they should do something about her. Tywin dismiss his concerns and tells him that “Curiosities on the far side of the world are no **threats** to us. Westeros continues to ignore Daenerys and her dragons.

Westeros continues to ignore Daenerys and her dragons. George RRM called Daenerys and the Army of the Dead, much bigger threats that could destory the kingdom, but people were so worried about the selfish politics in Kings Landing that they ignore the danger. Joffrey was the only one who saw it the real problem but everyone ignored him.

>You know, one of the dynamics I started with, there was the sense of people being so consumed by their petty struggles for power within the seven kingdoms, within King’s Landing — who’s going to be king? Who’s going to be on the Small Council? Who’s going to determine the policies? — **that they’re blind to the much greater and more dangerous threats that are happening far away on the periphery of their kingdoms.**

https://youtu.be/tk5hKomP4MA?t=1m40s

 S5 E10- Right after the scene where Stannis burns down Sheereen at the stake as a sacrifice for the Lord of Light, they cut to the scene in Meereen where Daenerys and Hizdahr are presenting to the reopening of the Fighting Pits. During their conversation Daenerys explain that destroying an entire city it may be ncessary in order to acheieve something great.

 Hizdahr - That is a vital part of the Great City of Meereen, which existed long before you and I and will remain standing long after we have returned to the dirt.

Daenerys - One day your great city will return to the dirt as well.

Hizdahr - At your command?

Daenerys - If need to be.

Hizdahr - And how many will die to make their happen?

Daenerys - If it comes to that, they will have died for a good reason.

Hizdahr - Those men (in the fighting pit) think they are dying for a good reason.

Daenerys - Someone else reason.

Hizdahr - So your reasons are true and theirs are false? They don’t know their own minds, but you do?

 https://youtu.be/xszXpZfsd7w?t=4m30s 

This dialogue pretty much sums up Daenerys as a character. She is starting to rationale the idea of burning cities to the ground in order to achieve an objective, as something necessary, while not realizing that she is losing her humanity, just like those men who are fighting in the pits. She is using excuses of a greater cause to justify the deaths of millions.

 S6 E6 - Bran Stark has a new series of visions and one of the visions include a dragon flying over Kings Landing. In the DVD comentary the producers D&D made sure to observe that the image of the dragon flying over Kings Landing it was one the most important image of the whole show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuBpz6iVEIk&t=3s

 S6 E8 – Cersei shows up at the Throne room for a Royal announcement, Tommen declares Trial by combat forbidden in all 7 Kingdoms. Cersei then asks Qyburn about the rumor of wildfire under the city, he confirms that the rumors are true and is much bigger than they expected to be.

 >Qyburn: “Your grace, that old rumor you told me about it. My little birds investigated.

>Cersei: And? Its just a rumor or something more?

>Qyburn? More, so much more….

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmqQo37R3As

The very next scene? Meeren being attacked by the rival cities of Slavery Bay. Missandei tells Tyrion: “The Masters have come to collect their properties”. That’s how Daenerys sees Westeros, something that belongs to her and her alone.

 S6 E9 - Daenerys returns to Meereen and finds the city being attacked by the Masters of the rival cities. She then tells Tyion about her plans against the attack.

>Daenerys: “I will crucify the masters. I will set their fleets on fire, kill every last one of their soldiers, and return their city to the dirt.”

 That’s the second time now that Daenerys threats to burn down a city and turn into ashes. The third time will be Kings Landing and no one will be able to stop her then.

  S6 E10 – The scene where Jon Snow is crowned KITN, Lord Cerweyn tells the room that they need to go home.

>The Boltons are defeated, the war is over, winter has come, if the measters are right it will be the coldest one in a thousands years, we should ride home and wait for the coming storms.

>Jon Snow: The war is not over, and I promise you friend, THE TRUE ENEMY wont wait out the storm, he brings the storm. 

https://youtu.be/AXAnxAA73xM?t=37s

Daenerys nickname that she likes to repeat is Stormborn. We all were led to believe that The Army of the Dead would be the greatest threat to Westeros, but its Daenerys and her dragons that we should all be scared of.

I now believe the Night King and TAOTD was a redherring for the real threath that will devastated Westeros and the way George did was kinf of brilliant. The very first scene of the book and show its the rangers going North of the wall and fiding the White Walkers and we were all so scared and terrified of them. Then the last scene of the book 1 and season 1 its the birth of the dragons and we all celebrated!!! We were soo happy and excited, DRAGONS, thats amazing. But Now I believe that it will be the dragons that will bring  misery to the Kingdom.

  

 They did the same on season 7. In the first episode Daenerys finally arrives on Westeros and we are all so happy, finally!!!! Dragons again flying over Westeros, thats amazing!!! we have been waiting for this for decades, then in the final episode the Army of the Dead breaks down the wall and finally enters the Kingdom and once again weare terrified!!1 They are here, oh my God, what will happen? But it was the dragons, again, in the first episode thatwe should have been scared of.

#game of thrones #jonsa #jon x sansa #house stark #queenofashes

[4lix]

✐ jealous bang chan ｡:ﾟ+♡

↳ okay again two similar requests that im combining as one if thats okay! when i first read this i literally started cackling bc chan would still look like a bean even when he’s angry sdfksdjf this ended up a little long whoop- 

f/n = friend’s name :)

sometimes you’ll do something to chan that really bothers him and thats when he goes from an uwu to oh shit-

i doubt anyone would intentionally try to hurt someone as lovely as chan 

so clearly this was something you were completely unaware of 

chan is also the type to write his feelings off as irrational 

i’m just being dramatic 

y/n would never do that to me 

mayhaps chan is clingy

but he figures any time he has free he wants to spend that with you 

but lately some other guy has been taking up all your attention 

chan had bit his tongue on countless occassions, he was trying to be understanding of your position in all this 

you didn’t need to spend all your time with chan, and he was trying really hard to be considerate of that 

but then you completely forget about plans you and chan had arranged a month in advance

chan decided not to call you and remind you because if you came he’d know for sure he’s just being dramatic about the whole thing and that you only have eyes for him

but then shocker, you dont show up

chan calls you, and immediately you notice something is up with him because he sounds.... emotionless 

where are you? 

oh i’m with f/n!

oh. okay. bye. 

chan ignores your phone calls and texts after and just goes to the dorms 

holy- what happened chan? 

mayhaps his face is a bright red out of anger and frustration

“what happened to your date with y/n?”

they forgot he spits 

and after like, hours of chan ignoring you 

you call the members and theyre all hella sus especially jeongin

he panics and is like !!! uh!!! chan is sick!!! and then hangs up

and thats when you know something is up bc jeongin cant lie to save his life. 

so even tho its like midnight and pouring outside you knock on the dorms door and minho answers it with a glare like what u want bitch lmaoooo 

and ur so lost n confused n are just like...? okay? wheres chan

and minho tells you he’s in his studio 

so you go there and chan doesnt even turn around to greet you when you knock and make your presence known

“chan whats going on?? why are you ignoring my messages??”

chan would just angrily turn and look at you like? rly bitcH? 

“why dont you ask f/n” 

and then it clicks 

“are you jealous?” and chan rolls his eyes  and you just laugh 

“you are jealous.. oh my god chan-”

"i’m not jealous.” he interrupts “how could i be jealous? i’m fucking angry y/n!” 

“why are you angry?” 

"oh i dont know, maybe i wouldn’t be angry if you didnt take hours to reply to my texts, if you actually came to see me when i finally have time off, if you didn’t forget about our fucking date y/n” he says 

and youre so shocked and taken aback 

and youre like.. i was literally over two days ago, youre being dramatic and sorry about the date it completely slipped my mind f/n had a performance–

“and i made reservations. a month ago. do you even like me anymore? you’d rather be with him, wouldnt you?” 

and then youre like SDKFJL WHAT ARE YOU SAYING 

you kind of pop off on him at that point

telling him how irrational and ridiculous he’s being 

and chan just kind of gets rly emotional

“i know i cant be with you all the time because im always working or practicing and i know you deserve someone who can give you all the time in the world but fuck y/n you didnt have to tell me like this”

youre just so lost like wtf this boy is on x games mode 

and then youre like “chan i have NO FEELINGS whatsoever for f/n, okay?? i l-like you a lot chan, a-and i’m sorry if i made you doubt that for even a second.” 

he softens for a moment and maybe his eyes are a little glossy with angry tears and then record scratch 

“will you stop seeing him then?” chan says and youre like. rly. 

“no?? why should i?? we’re friends”

“i dont like him y/n! he’s always touching you and i can see it in his face he’s trying to piss me off and take you away from me-” 

“chan you’re delusional you’re making it all up in your head he’s not like that at all”

“i’m delusional? are you really that dense? you don’t see the way he looks at you?” and chan is back to being angry again and you just scoff at him like 

“and do you not hear how ridiculous you sound? just admit youre jealous and go!” you suddenly shout in frustration 

“i said i wasn’t jealous!” chan shouts back and stands up in front of you 

“yeah you fucking are!” you cant help the stray tears leaving your eyes in frustration “i already apologized youre just being a dick at this point!” you punch his chest 

and your faces are like an inch apart and hes like 

“im the dick? youve been a dick to me all fucking month-” 

 “yeah? well you look like a dick!”

“and you smell like one!”

“fuck you”

“maybe i would if you’d actually show up to our fucking dates-”

“yeah? well im here now you asshole! to make sure youre okay because you wont reply to my fucking texts like a petty preteen boy in puberty-” 

maybe chan is a little insane but he just got overwhelmed with the need to kiss you so here he is, interrupting your shouts to suck the life out of your face

and like fuck its like a switch is flipped 

chan and you never really kiss like this that often, where its rly steamy and just tongues everywhere and before you know it your hand is shoved into his hair, gripping at his locks and he just moans into your mouth 

you guys end up making out for the rest of the night

maybe it leads to makeup sex something else who knows 

but lets just say after its all over and you’re just cuddling on the couch in his studio he kisses you softly this time and whispers an apology

“maybe i was jealous..” 

“yeah maybe more like were you told me i smelled like a dick.” and chan just laughs 

“im really sorry though, about forgetting the date, th-that was really shitty of me and im so so sorry chan..” 

he just kisses you again and tells you its okay, and no worries

“could you maybe spend a little just like a smidge less time with f/n and more with me? im needy ill die without constant love and affection y/n” 

“of course you big baby, you couldve just told me that in the first place instead of pulling a temper tantrum”

“i blame puberty”

“you’re twenty chan”

“some boys dont stop puberty until their mid twenties!”  

the next day chan is basically attached to your hip like he literally wont let u go

full koala mode on like arms wrapped around you, face shoved into your chest, giggles and all 

and you just sigh and are like “what do i do with u”

✐  requests are open!

#bang chan #bang chan imagines #bang chan scenarios #bang chan fanfics #bang chan fics #stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids fanfics

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place. 

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster.                           love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings. 

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow. 

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived.  she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me. 

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid 

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

#long reads #long story #abuse #narccisistabuse #bpd #npd #neurodivergent love #queer #lgbtqia #petty #younglove #mental illness #chaos #crazy

[castlehead]

beauty seems to be really funny most of the time and i like dat.

this idea that sends pop definitions of beauty running for the hills makes for some

quality distance, if only one step back.

what if i had any idea who i was but could see into everybody else

phone home cheeky cosmic touch m8 gonna think this is too easy

yeah but not let’s feel this way without before examining ourselves

for anything fake about it first parting from the idea that there wasnt anyway

and then parting cuz that knows so much

that part of me knows so much abt what do you call it extreme fear of maudlin

i run naked thru the grass singing abt yesteryear

                        ...There’s a move in social situations I like to call, “around the sun” whereby you wait for the game to end to play music, or wait patiently for one plan of another to say its peace so you can say yours. I like to take it to a more extreme level and say, turn down the fuckin tv, I want to listen to a thing I find beautiful.

SONG ONE : like the earth

1. Sit back and dream of clouded metaphors Reveal the schemes that we devised Back in the day, when ur hands were small And the WORLD splayed out colorfully Before our eyes

(chorus)

Take ur thronging bussloads of the living dead Take all the lifetimes of a million busy heads Ur sly intellectuals that laugh in the dome The only place, the only place is in the peaceful tones Of singing birds perched on ascending wires, like notes

2. Caught u up past three, sitting on the porch I woke up from a dream that I immediately forgot That seems to happen a lot, especially if previously I torched a dutch and passed the fuck out But from the ether of my dreams I heard, from the scope of reality I heard you shout

(chorus)

3. The sun and the moon both live in a box And the box is a square made out of lead And the square lies motionless in ur head Like a body on the rocks

Watch the hour tuck away into an evening A day nestled in afternoon light From the beginning In ur mind that made all minds the same The twilight creeping across ur paper brain And I can only burn and burn and burn

And I can turn round like the EARTH And I can be a sphere like the EARTH And I can stitch up the nations With fear, like the EARTH

(chorus)

                        ...people who call it a false flag just don’t wanna think it’s their own who bomb, if it can’t be a towelhead.

SONG TEW : the rainbow

The sinister rainbow blinks over the clover And the dawn is a monster in my brain I'll take a picture before this song is over And I’ll fix u in a wheel to keep me sane

Don’t break out the gin for the old lady creepers Smoke until the blur makes ur head float around I live in hades, burn my tongue on the heater When I lick this heaven ill taste yur sound

(chorus)

What Im saying isnt deep What Im stealing isnt cheap But I know that if i play it loud and long That this song in my head will instead Form a beat

Like a stranger in the rain Slowly driving me insane There's a fork in the road And I dont know whether Or when, all this shit will come together In the end

2. I got a stupid friend who lives in a pause He takes life from the tiger’s jaws, and prays

That life begins again, after it is over And the rainbow shines like a dream, in a daze

Ill take u thru the eye of the needle Ill breathe a testament to ur false gods Ill tell the truth, and contaminate the evil And zap u like a lightning rod

(chorus)

3. Dont you know that the rainbow is the world? Dont you know that the news is already told? Im gettin too old to be unfurled Im seein the rainbow in my mind Im waking up for the daily grind Im singing useless things for useful people The rainbow is not evil, its kind Dont u know that the color kings rattle like a marble In a tin can? And the rainbow eats the darkness like a mother Without a son? Dont u know that u can never be a man? And the rainbow drags across the empty land And the rainbow drags across the empty land

(chorus) (chorus)

                        ...the only division is classical and romantic. all else is contributory to these two. postmodern, modern, no. romantic. it all follows the romantic objective. one is ruled by the time at which it occurred, and the other is ruled by the mechanism of breaking from any present time.

SONG THREE : an ending that promises to begin again

1. A legend sleeps in yur head somewhere You take yur trembling hands And grope for mine, like a bum for spare Change... You cant explain

This strange perdition that engulfs Yur position in the sane... And the trouble of the pulse That leads a broken synapse Up into my eccentric brain... Theres a clot in my neck And the ruins of time Keep me from being able to find A comfortable spot to rest

(chorus)

Im stuck in erasure--a constant exposure To the elements still provides me with eyes To see bad karma writhing in my spleen And I wonder if ill dream While the whole WORLD is awake Will I be the manufactured figure, Will I be fake?

Or will I take these petty abstractions And roll them up into a ball And put them in my pocket Just to feel the reason stall In my throat... Is life a puzzle, or a joke?

2. The life you led one sunny afternoon Is the life you never led again... I can appreciate the reasons For why you did not blend Like a chameleon in the room But cant discern the seasons Of the moon

Yur whispers prosper, loud Like a passionate apostle And the lords are proud of ur Painting on the wall... That skritter of an evening gone Is enough to scatter colors When the sky finally falls, And the lords are like the brothers Of what lorded over them... Take these idols and shatter them... The racket in my brain is loud And does not end And does not end And does not end, even when the jig is up Cuz ive gotten fucked by time: Its an ending that promises To begin again

(chorus)

                        ...Nobody starts an Apollonian, and only those are Dionysian who have the capacity for restraint needed to confer the Apollonian chariot, tho some die without a revision of the vision etc. some die restraintless

SONG FOUR : chauncey ames and the case of jenny preston

1. Chauncey loved the flowers Chauncey loved the trees Chauncey smelled the wind And knew that he was free

Chauncey took a cab home Chauncey felt the air flow Thru the window He paid the driver extra Just for keeping him From being alone... Back, once again To the place that he had left Long ago

In fact, it had been years and years and years Since the man had seen walls Not fortified in concrete... In fact, it had been years and years and years Since this man had put to rest That lying cheat

(chorus)

Chauncey was a killer That was his disease Got off on manslaughter: Fingerprints on a pair keys Got him twelve years For offing someone's daughter Even tho she was eighty three Cuz no matter how old u are Everyone Is a daughter or son To someone

2. Now he's out, but he has his fears... Maybe people will not like him For his past It is unclear Even after all the facts Had been presented... Whether Jenny Preston Was murdered, or just had a bad fall Onto a bed of broken glass They found her in the hall At the head of the stairs, flat on her wrinkled ass

(chorus)

Chauncey was a man of few words But in the end he was unheard His eyes were petrified In delirium His arms shook As he held the gun He took aim On the good book Instead of his brains just to prove a point His neck is craned His eyes like coins That shine their milky matter On the barrel of a luger

(Chorus)

                        ...doubt any of y'all would live up to the wit/confidence/sardonicism y'all judiciously sculpt for hours on the book of face.

SONG FYVE: my summer home

1. This is food for thought Write it down in chalk: The chimney puffs From the fire in the fireplace And erupts in a black plume And with luck The old man Balances a spoon On his nose He sits inside a room As the room grows Smoking from a pipe While its raining outside And the light Is waning, slowly waning, outside

My fingers and my toes Are numb to the bone And I will have my wish To swim with all the fish In the sea of my mind In time ill find A little spot in the country Somewhere peaceful and secluded Ill save up all my money And hope im not deluded And hope that I can find a place Thats nice, a lush spot For a good price

(Chorus) Do you feel that I feel you? Do you feel that you feel me? The time is right to live again To let the atoms wiggle In our spherical galaxy That seems to have no real end But the one that we assume Is reality, and soon We'll eat up all the doom

2. Concentrate upon a single understanding Dont let the sisters on the throne Rage in the dome And find out that this trip Needs more planning to exist

The sky is silver and the universe is green Ill show you things in this world That you have never seen Things that have been waiting So long to be unfurled Things for boys and things for girls Without an explanation Ill bring the nation together And hold it by a tether Show you things for boys And things for girls

(Chorus)

                        ...for example i would never be able to muster the cognitive stones to say all of this, in order, amongst the company of people, even friends

SONG SIX : notion

#1 im in the middle of this phrase Stuck between the lines Bless these simple chains I'll see what I can find In my simple mind To lead to some way out The drip, drip drip of water From the trippy rusty spout Keeps me awake I'll explain that to ur daughter The world is fake The world is miles away:

Chorus: Put a notion on the river And see it travel downsteam Suspended on liquid creature dreams I sweated thru the fever And, between the middle of this phrase Passed all my days in solitude And grew weaker, as the days Passed on in solitude

You can call me daft You can say im frozen In technicolor time That im stranded on an island In the middle of the ocean But I dont have the spine To wiggle thru the shaft And give you back This simple notion

#2 I gots a paper boat Lofting on the water It travels down ur purple throat And dissolves in the water

I set a fire just to see if it could think And I questioned the venom Just to see if it could blink Nonsense on the edge Of the bullshit day Chillin on the ledge, you shape the clay And drive the screws on down And drive the screws on down

I thought of you, thought of you And I felt like a clown

(chorus)

#3 I crawl out, I crawl out I crawl out of bed I walk down the hall To turn the notion into thread And whisper rumors to the dead Sometimes I try to talk And my voice drops Sometimes the vague paralysis Defies analysis And you are left sitting on a chair In a yellow room That is a technicolor tomb Without a door, confined and spare, I crawl, I crawl I crawl out of bed And walk down the hall And fall and fall and fall Into the creation of sound Until I hit the ground And everything is mother night And the imperfections in yur eye Spangle in the strange notion of the twilight

(chorus) (chorus)

                         ...the broad concept of subjectivity has as much to do with a detailed exegesis of one tenet of it as death itself with the specific way we die

SONG SEVEN : collected and connected

You're a sharp one You're a dumb one You got nobody But the people in yur head

And everybody is connected But you aint connected to them Yur a ghost, on the interim While the fringes die out You live them out To the last splinter Until it is winter And the trees are all white with snow And the blue wind blows

Yu spend twenty minutes Feeling for the lightswitch In a room made out of figments That you shovel into a ditch And bury, along with all yur Dangerous ambitions And as you drive away, you feel The religion Of yur memories corrupt u And yu reel

CHORUS. Cuz everyones connected Everyones collected Into the same intangible organism That lives life in the schism Of ur teeth I watch ur lips move And cannot hear u speak I pick up on the clues and watch the pressure leak Until all of it is used And nothing much is left To be abused

Everyones connected by a string That trembles across the space Of every living thing The fractions of my face illuminate in the light I shake when i sing I am a yellow kite Mangled in a tree Forgotten by the breeze I am a thing, wafting in the breeze But I have begun again, my friend, Just by following the string Follow, follow the string

#2 Two days ago the WORLD was made of angles I opened my eyes to the lost ways And came upon a shallow swale The brush and branches tangled And the rays of the sun, barely Coming thru the jail Of the scary fray

Dont you think that yur fellow men Would like to lend a hand? And dont you think That this desert you have crossed Only gets u more lost Until u arrive at the brink Of the sahara, and find A single, solitary house Where a mumbling old man Is confined

(CHORUS) (CHORUS)

i always dress nice when i have no place to go. otherwise i look like a sweaty coked up hobo. its my chic, paranoid hobo chic. my comportment u say? quirky to the acquaintance, somewhat sad to the friend, an endearing mix of both with a dash of worry to the best friend, and an embarrassment to the significant other. im usually the life of the party bc i bring drugs so people are forced to tolerate my horror of a personality.

rejection is a rare and beautiful flower my time is spent tending it my life wants it to be a gift i water the flower it sits next to my bed it is next to a lamp littered under the lamp are dead ladybugs ladybugs are all over my house but if i am not meant i am not meant and i cast my line of poetry here trying to figure out if it was meant to be there wonder exactly why what is innumerable can be rare and think of lots of things

#poetry #powtry #pome #poem #collage #hodgebodge #zibaldone #desiderata #song lyrics #stuff

[theskyexists]

empress ki

are these koreans gonna go as far as to let this man fall for who he thinks is just some young cool guy?

i mean - they’re not chinese so

this is kinda silly lol. if she really wanted to be let go she could have just punched him. i guess that would have gone too far

this RANDOM assassin almost kills them - he disappears. we good. no worries.

where are her own men????

NOOOOO don’t ruin it

why the fuck would she have developed a feminine slap? i think theyre gonna ruin it. like contact with a male love interest will just forcibly feminise you

ok no she came up with an excuse

god - an openhanded slap from another man lol i can see how that might be quite offensive

she just chills in the crown prince’s bath no prob lol. ok so she locked the door

she just let herself get fuckin shot for this lol

this episode moves super fast but thats fun but i still don’t know how the king and the crown prince are related. the whole hostage thing really messed things up

i just realised that i love the bro/bro mlm stuff if its actually m/f. LOL.and I KNOW it’s going to only last one fuckin episode bc we’re gonna go right back to misgyny and chattel slavery especially for women but yknow

does she remember him?? did she send the bandana? i dont know on which side she really is.

yeah ofc shes the bandana guy. i mean - DUH.

WHY RISK YOUR OWN MEN - WHAT WAS THE PLAN

is this spy gonna get her bandana now???

or are these not her own guys?? THEY ARE

is she playing the king?? like - im still trustworthy though!!!! (or at least my men are) but how could she think to rely on the crown prince???

oh no the cool big sword moustache guy!!! why would he be the spy for the king????????????? what is there to gain??????? HE’S NOT THANK GOD

YES!!!! I LOVE THEM. ‘hit me’ BAM *violently and romantically perches over him to almost stab him*

aww haha the king is attached to seung nyang. too bad you’re an evil bastard she wants to destroy

i can’t quite tell why revealing the salt location drop off point is important or not. i guess it was just and only a test.

was that the guy in blue who volunteered to be shot at? : ‘( ah it’s not.its just some nobody. I guess she couldn’t have known who knew of her blue bandana so she had to hide it. But couldn’t she have told this guy from the very beginning when they were alone?

did the official guard not get told that more people were coming???? LOL. that’s one fuckin mess

HEROIC HORSERIDING YEAAAAAAAA did she not think of a reason for being alive? ‘kill me’ OH MY GOD hahahahaa. smart but so risky (it turns out that the crown prince is the crown prince but the king is the brother of his dad’s)

is there something you want? I THOUGHT YOU WANTED MONEY oh my god this guy is gambling it all lol. oh no, he’s gonna make it too.

it’s always the ‘unrightful’ people that get villainised for wanting power

what the fuck her dad’s gonna kill all her friends and make her into a sex slave? jezus christ how dark (i read a synopsis that she gets sent to yuan after all somehow). on who’s fucking authority? couldn’t they have gotten at the very least a letter from the goddamn ‘auditor’ to protect them

oh my god. just wear your fucking ring on the outside of your goddamn clothes. that was so FUCKING close

wow that was a pretty realistic breakdown

GO SEE HIM HELLO!!!!

she became a fucking COP TO SEE HIM HOLY SHIT LOL

JUST SHOW HIM THE FUCKING RING

did she just leave her band of boys behind???

dude why is this series romance blocking me what the fuck

gotta show that Yuan is backward through furs and beads!!

i do love that this series had the guts to start off with heartbreak. but also to let the female protagonist be a big bi....amorous...?

this show somehow made me feel sympathetic towards a stinkin imperial rich kid. he didn’t ask to be born into a family that would become his death

‘young boy’ *is literally at least 40*

the KING has only 10 men to spare? really?

he’s gonna let his servant get fucking murdered in his stead? yikes. ok so that wasn’t his PLAN no. poor servant guy

so they got her a MATCH - a dirven and smart and powerful king. and a soft and unexperienced and endangered future emperor.

this is so much my fucking THING it’s insane. i don’t even mind that the king is kinda ...average looking.

and she kicks his ASS LOL. and he falls ultimately deeply in love with her. this is incredible.

i wonder if she’s going to hold the death of his servant against him

they didn’t even take his head? stupid. oh i guess that’s for the traitors.

SHE STILL DOESN’T GET ITS REALLY HIM. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SMART

really - she lets the fucking chief get the credit. are you fucking kidding me? fuck this. be smarter! hate having to say that to a character. Be! smarter!

now he gets to be WHY HIDE FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND WHAT THE FUCK. if this is gonna be the whole fuckign show i can’t take it.

im gonna need to know if she keeps fucking hiding. stop hiding! STOP. stop hiding from the important men in your life! what the FUCK. stop hiding from your dad. Stop HIDING FROM YOUR FUCKING BESTO BOYFRIEND

the prince isn’t even upset about his servant’s demise

fucking finally somebody found out seung nyang was the ONE

I love Strong King - I love vulnerable future Emperor

he’s just a stupid indoctrinated kid! somebody should explain to him all the horrors that have been done to people in his name!

we have a sequence in which she’s done great deeds, gets called in, is concerned about how she slapped the important person around lol

we’re gonna get teh exact same for Togon one day

jezus christ that’s a very romantic thing to say to a cool and heroic young guy who saved your skin twice, king. are you - i n l o v e? a lil bromance perhaps?

awww he’s so damn happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

she’s like - fuck. wish she stayed a little more ruffian though. wheres the fucking swagger!

how am i so into this m/m ship. LOL. im really into this stronk man and rogueish ‘boy’ bonding through hardship crisis crossing all rank

im up for her teaching the prince compassion and horror and the way of the world though

I KNOW this is soon going to devolve into a palace drama though so that fucking sucks

why is the emperor a young guy and the brother an old guy. was the emperor the preferred son? from the preferred wife?

has she never heard a guy pee??? i thought she lived with soldiers and shit

why the fuck is she carrying his excrement to the sea when she’s his BODYGUARD. this went differently than i thought

he literally is alone. there is no shift of the guard with him. hello?

what the fuck is this lax bodyguard shit. you need at LEAST two so one can sleep while the other guards.

everytime she bathes im like - ALARM ALARM

this jimbo traitor is so stupid lol

commander - just approach this stupid idiot. be the dad you want to be.

you could just become his son!!! hello????

so you really care about the peoplle huhg? thats why you keep selling off women?

oh my god. is the prince also falling in love with this ‘boy’? who embodies the masculine ideal? GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH im gonna cry when this is over and she ends up a fucking maid

this romantic fucking epic music as they struggle in a petty fucking competition in teh surf jlsjLKFJSDLJ:FLDSF I LOVE THIS

SHE VIOLENTLY PERCHES ABOVE THIS GUY TOO. ROMANTIC MUSIC

the koreans KNOW what is good. THEY KNOW.

oh this poor guy. please let this guy meet poor people. like. idk. the stolen women made into slaves and shit

yeah yeah they bond without him knowing about losing a parent and wanting revenge

the king is like, MY BOY!! that’s MY boy!! hands off!!!! that’s my dearest bromance boy friend!!!!

oh no - shes going to have to choose who to ride with lol

oh nooooooooo Seung Nyang don’t hurt King boyfriend !

‘he will not take Seung Nyang, will he?’  i had to double take there

I FINALLY understand the appeal of all unassailable men in romance. god, my brain is weird.

give seung nyang to me. dsjfpawejfeawjfljsdkljldsjflkdfsa dude. no. i know this is a love triangle but it is just within good if they do THIS moment right

the prince is a horrible shit

nooooo seung nyang please don’t hurt the king!!! he loves you!!!!

‘why am i burning up inside?’ YOU LOVE HIM!! YOU LOVE SEUNG NYANG!!! you love this guy!!! the koreans are daring lil mfs

where is the ruffian guy with the moustache and big sword?? he was the king’s left hand man when he wasn’t king yet.

the actress has really feminised Seung Nyangs mannerisms and way of movement past few eps (oh it’s a dream)

oh my god they’re no-homo-ing this through a dream. he just FEELS like Seung Nyang is a woman!!! that’s why he’s attracted!!! lol

seung nyang loses her dad. prince doesn’t notice. jezus

he impressed some dudewith his self-righteous dragon heaven propaganda. goddddd. the prince truly does not care how many people have already died for him. WHEN will he become likeable instead of hilariously piteous

just absolutely devastating end scene. shitty k-pop outtro.o hgod

will the prince finally - through seung nyang realise that actaully it fucking sucks that people keep being horribly harmed and killed for his sake?

JEZUS CHRIST I AM ON EPISODE 5 wHAT THE FUCK THIS IS LIKE 60 episodes long. oh my god no.

the thing i like about this show is that she looks believably like a very feminine boy for korean standards.

they keep playing him as childish, selfish and incompetent. but like, soooo many people DIED FOR HIM

hwo didn’t they kill bayan for obviously killing their own guard lol

finally she confronts him with the regular people!!!

what is lord jang doing with them

wow the commander’s beard is long. they been going for a while

well he is suffering - but can’t she get to him through words. make him a better person?

he is asking an important question. ANSWER IT GODDAMNIT

thsi ‘warming’ is so ridiculous haahahaha

*has full view of covered breasts* ‘he is definitely a boy!!!!’

i don’t know what sexuality politics this is - probably very bad ones - if you’re a straight man then you’re attracted to some fundamental femaleness in women!! or something

why is a bite mark evidence

god - these powerful people have enormous egos. they must, it is bred in them.i deserve power and when it is taken from me it sucks so much i can’t breathe!!! well uh yeah - everybody feels that way you ain’t special

she looks so sick

feels empathy for the first time ever. what a wonderful fantasy. that somebody could teach a prince empathy

*goes into town completely uncovered in royal robes which haven’t been weathered at all* ok

‘why did you hide you are a woman?’ what COMPLETE AND UTTER MALE NONSENSE

WOMEN ARE GETTING DRAGGED OFF TO BE SEX SLAVES AND YOU ASK THAT??? ‘sure, im sure you had your reasons’

WHAT FUCKING IDIOT

53:50

so she gets him in and then he betrays her? lol. but does it really matter? the king won’t be tried, there’s no reason for goryeo to be annexed. seung nyang won’t die. etc. he might as well go back to his deadly golden cage without endangering himself.

is it for her dad that she asks this of him? he faints, eh that’s a fine way out.

cant she hug a king back when he hugs her????? come ON

he almost killed his fucking son. these people are so CRAAAYYYZY

*leaves the people most likely to turn on him behind with the prince*

why does he have to reveal this?? what are the stakes here??”

goryeo’s soldiers???????????? what the fuck. i thought he was gonna come up with something clever like - pirates or something. not just ‘oh it was a random weirdo band of soldiers’ no -  ‘under the orders of the king’

WHAT. hes throwing teh whole country to the wolves. if seung nyang doesn’t kill him ill be surprised. seung nyang better get him for this for a thousand fucking years.

so he’s even personally betraying seung nyang. for a tiny chance at power. damn. wow. damn wow.

jezus what a fucking way to leave your daughter! making your last exchange putting yourself down as a father. DUDE. could have ended shit in a better way!

anyway literally cried twice about her losing her dad already

anyway so they both die in her arms. great.

yeaaaaaaah swearing to kill him. good. too bad it’s gonna be like 50 eps of palace maid shit and the prince barely got a taste of poverty

really wonder how traumatising this whole - is revealed as a woman and transferred to the empire as a sex slave thing is going to be - for me i mean

‘he’s probably living well in his homeland’  - how could you trust that your orders will be followed???

this is completely unrealistic wow

doesnt she get a fucking horse

who the fuck was park bhu - the undercop?

oh apparently laughing ugly is an indication of evil for a woman. laughing maniacally is an indication of evil for a man

her archnemesis is gonna unmask her as a woman in public? i think i might have to quit this show at this exact moment.

aaand.....guess ill have to quit.

ok that wasn’t so bad

how did they have women’s silks and makeup with them

she’s literally a martial artist warrior and she can’t fight a rapist attacker with her hands free?

oh god. she’s gonna be all feminine now bc she looks like a girl. oh god. i feel kinda sick.

SHE SUDDENLY DOESN’T HAVE ANY BANGS ANYMORE BUT LONG HAIR

THAT COMB WAS MAGICAL

some classic ‘female body weak’ sexism. love getting that from the beau

i know they’re trying to make danashiri seem unsympathetic but she’s saying fuck you to sexism here. then again it’s because she’s a spoiled elite brat

they really are made for each other

holy shit. this series just goes on and on and on and on and on. i can’t do this.

#vidi #personal #my stuff #empress ki #they are doing absolutely wonderful classic shit for her its amazing #in the first six episodes #then it's like palace drama and shit or whatever #getting preyed on by the guy who killed your mother etc.

[avecetoiles]

a conversation i want to have with you.

hey, i think that it’s better that we aren’t together. of course it breaks my heart, ive cried for nights and days on end about this. i think something that you should understand first is the extent of love i have for you. if i could put it into words i’ll tell you about how literally every night if i’m not waking up in tears of heartache, im waking up with giggles and butterflies because i dream of you. Every single goddamn night i dream of you and it’s truly so exhausting. my body misses you, my mind, my heart, my soul. they miss you so so much. so much so that they dream of you. then i wake up and think of you. wonder what you’re doing so i start to do something else because i find myself missing you, loving you. i get up and walk for hours alone, seeing things that i’d like to share with you. thinking of how i can love you and be at peace with not talking to you or being around you every now and then. i go home and do something else. thinking of you and how in love i am with you. how those 4 days and 3 nights were some of the best i’ve had in a long time. the nights when you held me i felt so at home. to hear your heartbeat. how afraid i was to cling to you too hard because you might pull away. you’re always so mean to me after sex these days but i’ll love you all the same. i’ll hold you all the same. i’ll see you all the same, cold shoulder or not. you’re my baby after all.

now we can get back to what i was saying. the whole thing about being friends. I’ve had so much time alone to sit and think about the conversation we had recently that night. particularly about how you don’t want to lead me on by continuing to have sex with me because you’re so unsure right now. how one day this loyalty we have to one another, even without being together, will backfire. the first thing you brought up is how one day i might start liking someone else but feel an obligation to you. my heart cracked then and there but i continued to listen. only interrupting you to say that i didn’t want to have that conversation because i have never thought about being with someone else save for the fact that one time someone told me there’s plenty of fish in the sea and i realized i could never be with anyone else. then you said, you didn’t want to lead me on again! this time saying how one day if you met someone you wouldn’t want me to be hurt about that. my heart broke baby. my heart broke hearing that. maybe i’m selfish. i remember you said you don’t know if you ever would be in a relationship again which gave me more comfort than the idea of your heart belonging to someone else. once again maybe im selfish. because in the beginning the whole reason i broke up with you was to grow. not because i didn’t love you or was unsure about loving you. i was going insane and i wanted to kill myself. i had an eating disorder that was taking over my mind. i couldnt understand day to day reality. i couldnt understand anything. i felt unloved because of my insecurity. i felt these petty feelings of negativity when we were in an argument. i needed to lose bad habits and needed to get rid of that ego to be with you. i want to be a better person. so i could love you freely. not because i was unsure of you, not because i wanted to be away from you. because i questioned our love and wanted to be with someone else or alone. no the exact opposite. i did things this way for longevity. for free and open love. for security and well being. to be able to actually talk to you when we disagree or if im feeling off or discomfort with the everyday bumps of life. to be stronger for you. for the day that you’ll be able to freely talk to me about what’s wrong and if you’re truly okay or not. for the times when you need somebody there. baby, i love you. i love you i love you i love you. so during this time of thinking, i decided that if you are unsure of me and this love that you shouldnt be with me. cause i’d hate for you to lead me on as well. it’d break my goddamn heart. if you see yourself with many loves i want you to let go and live life so that way one day they come to you, free with no attachments.

my intentions aren’t to make you feel bad, nor to guilt you or pressure you into making a decision. i just realized that all of this time i have been sure of you. i just dont want you to hold on because im a “good one” how you said. you deserve to live life without reservations for me in the back of your mind to confuse you. this is all just some stuff i’ve been thinking about. i feel like the more i fight for this, the less i see of you or hear from you. i’d like to love you knowing you let go rather than knowing that you are unsure or have distrust in my love. i’d rather we stay friends so you can live with a little less on your shoulders. ultimately, i want you to be happy. if that’s with me or without me. this is not to tell you how you’re feeling, only that if you’re on the side of uncertainty with skepticisms and distrust, to take the leap or be just friends with me. pure friends

[darkdarkmydesire]

I really hope it wasn't (just an experiment)

Chapter 6:

"Do you want to get popcorn?", Clayx asked, arm wrapped around Alec.

" Sure, I'll pay.", he smiled up at the taller boy, as the couple made their way to the queue.

Alec and Calyx had been dating for a little over two weeks. They had been on numerous 'official dates' and a few lazy ones, spent indoors. Albeit, today they had decided on a traditional movie on the big screen.

As they stood in line, from his spot slightly behind Calyx, Alec looked over his boyfriend. The word was still foreign on Alec's tongue. Calyx was wearing a stormy grey jeans under a pale green t - shirt, which emphasised his pale eyes. It had been the feature that had first draw Alec to him. Even niw, Calyx was a great boyfriend, caring and fun to be with. They both had moved their lives to fit each other fairly easily. With them spending lunches in school library together, or with friends, alternating between Calyx's trio and Alec's group. Perhaps a bit awkward on Calyx's friend's part, but they could work around that. Everything was going smoothly, it was nothing like being with Magnus, where Alec was swept away from one emotion to the next. Alec's and Magnus's something had been like hurricane. Wild and thrilling, filled with equal amounts of pain and pleasure. The pair had also gained attention in school as the mirroring couple, not due to their personalities, which were thoughtful and sweet to each other, but because of their looks.

Alec's dark hair and hazel eyes were a direct contrast to Calyx's pale eyes and light hair. Being in a relationship with Calyx was calm, pleasant. Alec's relaxed tenor, had been obvious to Izzy and Jace too, the serenity was due to Calyx and Alec having had no petty squabbles. The relationship consisted of kissing and holding hands, even dry humping each other twice, but had always stopped there.

Alec wasn't going to succumb to wild passion again, is what he told himself, never truly asking himself if there was any indication of a wild passion towards Calyx. Magnus on the other hand, had coincidentally vanished the first three days of Alec's relationship, drivng Alec insane with worry, as no one seemed to know where he was. It was only when Magnus had texted the second day into said disappearance, that Alec had calmed down. It had been a simple sentence:

Broke my phone, am sick, will see you.

Alec had immediately responded, asking if he needed anything, only to be called by Ragnor, "It's my phone. Dont use it as a way station.", he growled, before clicking the phone off and blocking Alec's number.

Aggrieved, but helpless, Alec had left Magnus to his own devices. While, a day later, he had slid back into Alec's newly changed routine seamlessly, the whole endeavour forgotten shortly. -------------------------------+--

As Magnus sat in his arm chair, staring at the view, Ragnor stormed over, snatching the glass of whisky and something stronger from his hands.

" Magnus that's enough.", he snapped, "You can't keep destroying yourself over that boy.".

" I'm fine.", Magnus drawled, waving away his green obsessed friend's concern.

"It's just liquid courage.", he said, picking his way over the apartment. Reaching the table scattered with alcoholic bottles, he picked up various ones and began mixing a cloudy concoction. " I'll just be sipping tonight, I promise.", he added, sipping the drink, then proceeding to wrinkle his nose and adding more whisky.

Magnus thought he had done pretty well, considering circumstances. After all, he had seen the man he loved in someone's else's arms. In someone else's mouth. That day, a few weeks ago, he had walked all the way home, opened his cabinet and swallowed his miseries. Ragnor had found him the next afternoon, leaning against the very same cabinet, legs outstretched, griping a bottle of expensive wine, as he sat with salty tracks mapping his face. Melancholy and extremely drunk, Magnus had spilled everything onto Ragnor in return for the silence his friend would give. Which he immediately got, because Ragnor didn't say a word, just gently hauled Magnus into bed, prying the bottle from his grip and clicking off the lights. "Sleep you drunken fool." Magnus had given himself two more days to wallow in self pity, during which he had hastily patched up his tattered heart,and henceforth gotten on with life. After all the result had been the obvious end to his own shortcomings. Magnus had pushed Alec away. It was only fair he let Alec move on.

The preceding events brought them here, some minutes prior to the journey they were to traverse in order to reach a newly opened club/ bar: The Institute. The reason for this colloquial affair was of course, the mutual get together of platonic friends. Platonic friends which included Alec and his boyfriend.

-------------------------------+--

Alec once again , stood under flashing lights and pounding music. Surveying the club, a species that Alec had successfully avoided for more, or less nineteen years. Yet here he was, in the span of a few months frequenting the haunt of a similar brand. This brand, however, was restrained in comparison to Pandemonium. It had none of the overzealous allure, or heady attraction.

Alec sat in a booth next to Calyx, eyes flicking over the entrance for the rest of his group. He had on a black t - shirt that clung to his skin, over artfully frayed blue jeans revealing slivers of toned lower thighs, while his hair was arranged in an out of the bottle, bed head look. He told himself he was searching for all the awaited members of his usual entourage.

As said entourage came into view, Alec's eyes automatically fell on Magnus. He had put in extra effort. Wearing a finely meshed, netted tank top, Magnus had left nothing to the imagination. His hands were adorned in wrist length leather gloves, while black leather pants clung to his skin outlining each curve and hollow. Alec clenched his hands, coolly reminding himself of his boyfriend. Magnus's arms supported the usual twine bracelets and his hair was streaked with glittery purple. Face done up in a peacock theme, designs arched around his eyes like a mask. It was a composition of varying hues of greens, blues and golds, placing Magnus's eyes at the center of attention. Trapping all who dared gaze directly into their depths. He was merely assessing, Alec reaasured himself as he bacame aware of his own lengthy stare. Proving a point to himself he glanced at the rest in order to asses them too. Try as he mighg hiis mind recorded nothing.

Guiltily, Alec looked back, as Calyx squeezed his thigh a little harder than necessary. "Want to dance?", he asked abruptly, already pulling Calyx into the crowd. He could not have Magnus in front of him, he did not know why and did not linger on the thought. Hence, that is how the night went for Alec, who flashed guarded smiles and the occasional surprised laughter, which Magnus had pried from him by recalling an amusing anecdote, or repeating an exaggerated joke. Alec found these bursts of laughter were always accompanied by a twinge of pain, which only deepened as the night wore on. -------------------------------+--

The night was even more torturous than Magnus had imagined, with Alec wearing that thin cloth. With his boyfriend looking straight at Magnus before leaning closer, touching his bicep, neck and thigh. Magnus ground his teeth, his control was undoubtedly unraveling. And it was all it took for Magnus to keep for smashing Calyx's teeth in. Picking up on Magnus's deteriorating mood, Ragnor soon excused them both, muttering about the need to finish a paper due in tomorrow for their joint class. Nevertheless, all Magnus saw was Alec's wide eyes and flushed face, as Calyx swept a tongue over his lip and licked the drop of wine. While. Looking. At. Magnus. Magnus began to tremble with rage. How dare he taunt him?

Covering up his jealousy, Magnus gave the group a dramatic wink, intending to rile Calyx, never once looking back he sauntered off, hips swaying more prominently than they usually did. -------------------------------+--

Hearing Calyx slam the glass on the table, Alec jerked his eyes back, blushing in humiliation. He had been staring at Magnus's retreating form. Alec was a asshole, he'd had his boyfriend next to him and had been staring at another guy - at Magnus.

"So you're obviously not over Magnus, are you?", Calyx demanded, voice hard. Alec opened his mouth to deny his statement, but stopped, unsure. The sudden pause and heavy silence was statement enough.

" I can't believe I let you string me along. I liked you Alec.", he said voice breaking slightly. The pain he saw reflected in Calyx's eyes shamed Alec, especially as all he felt was relief. Relief that someone had voiced the thought clanging in his brain for months. " I like you too, just not- I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you.", he said. Shame and disgust at his own cowardice roiled in Alec's stomach, threaghtening to rip him apart, or maybe it was the drinks - he couldnt tell. He didn't know what he was doing, why he was feeling this way.

Ignoring Alec's pleading, guilt ridden expression, Calyx slide out of the booth, disgusted. But, as Alec tried to stand, to folliw after him. To do what,he didnt know. Alec realised he was drunk, the drink he had been sipping all night had been stronger than it looked. He found the room swaying under his feet. -------------------------------+--

Magnus had just received an unusual call, from Calyx, of all people. Yelling about how Magnus could "choke on your happily ever after, you pompous bastard". Sighing bitterly, Magnus gave a self depreciating laugh, because of course, this is exactly how he had imagined his happily ever after. What was wrong with this man? What did Alec see in this self absorbed imbecile? Although, perhaps - .

It couldn't be. Had Alec ...

Striding through the park, Magnus walked towards the direction of the club. He had come to cool off here, because the memories of Alec in his apartment had threatened to overwhelm him, but this had been an interesting developement. He wasn't that naive to think it may be anything more than a lovers quarrell, but that asshole had possibly left Alec in the club alone, when he clearly had been drinking more than usual. A drunk Alec. Alone. Swearing Magnus picked up his pace. Rounding each corner and crossing each road recklessly, or maybe Calyx hadnt left Alec and Magnus was hurrying to meet an empty booth with yet more memories of Alec, but Magnus still went, because there was a chance he had. No matter how unlikely, or small, if Alec need help, Magnus would be there for him. He hadn't realised he had begun running, until he came to a stop at the entrance of the club. Breath heaving, eyes wild as he looked around. His panic retreated, as he spotted Alec leaning against the booth they had occupied. Though the man beside him was unrecognisable and as Magnus pushed through the crowd, his suspicion froze to a cold, brittle anger...

The man hadn't been speaking to Alec, but attempting to force a kiss on him.< -------------------------------+--

The assailant's hand was a brand around Alec's waist as he used the other to thrust up Alec's shirt. Grunting, Alec struggled, but the alcohol had a grip as firm as the man's. As he leaned ever closer musty, cigarette coated breath hitting Alec's face, Alec thrashed with all his might. Why had he drank so much? He didn't want this. He didn't want this. He didn't want this.

In the midst of panic, Alec tumbled backwards, as another man seemingly shrouded in shadows pulled his attacker off, before pushing the man to the ground. The newcomer punched his face with a violent ferocity. The man was possessed with rage, his fists a storm. At first Alec thought he had something to do with the bleeding man under him. A past grudge, a debt, or something. Although as Alec inched closer he saw: a flash if glittery hair, a wink of a sapphire stone, a gimpse of leather gloves. It was Magnus.

"Hey!", Alec shouted, " Magnus that's enough. Magnus!", as he somewhat woozily trying to pull Magnus off the bleeding sack of meat underneath him Not that Alec minded if he made it through tonight alive. But the man lay: face bruised and bloody, moaning in pain and Alec was pretty sure, Magnus would not be let off lightly, no matter what the incentive, if caught by authorities - which by the looks of hovering bar keep became a distinctive possibility. Granted Alec's "pulling off" was little more than a feeble, albeit consistent tug. Alec was extremely drunk, a little more than extremely - extremely, extremely drunk. Giving the man one last shove, Magnus pushed off him. Turning to cup the back of Alec's head in his leather clad hands, he crushed Alec against his chest. Alec was too stunned to do anything, this night had been a rush of emotion. His eyes burnt and throat clogged with bile, as he recalled the helplessness of the moments before. Winding his arms around Magnus, he twisted his hands in Magnus's shirt, breathing raggedly. As wretched as this night had been, Alec wanted to remember each second of it - for once he did care. A lot of a lot. Alec was not the only one surprised, Magnus had not known he was capable of such blinding rage, such violence. " You came back?", he whispered voice cracking, slurring. "You came back? I thought - , You came back?" Both knew Alec referred to more than just the club, but that was a conversation for a more sober participant. Cutting through Alec's repetitive ramblings, which had begun to sound more like statements than questions, Magnus held on tighter. "Always.", he whispered, pressing Alec closer . " Always, Alexander, always.". The words became a promise that hung like effervescent lanterns in the air. Enveloping them both in a golden glow.

To anyone passing by, it seemed as if a man stood supporting his drunk friend, surrounded by a crowd of curious on lookers, drunkards and an unconscious body, but really Magnus stood under a blanket of stars, entangled in the arms of someone he had come to love, someone who had, hopefully, come to love him back.

"Maaagnus, you're baack. I love you, you know. Isn't that funny?" Despite the offhand delivery, Magnus's heart tugged in happiness and fondness over Alec's whinny tone. It bordered on accusative, Alec had clearly drunk a lot and it seemed there was no more adrenaline to rebuff the effects. Much to his amusement, Alec seemed to be feeling the said increasing effects.

"I know, darling.", he murmured.

"Whatnoiloveyoutoo?", Alec mumbled, face morphing into an exaggerated frown, as he jerked his head from Magnus's shoulder to peer at the Magnus's face.

" I do, I just want to say it when you'll remember, that's all."

Reaching up, Alec patted Magnus's hair, "Glittery, I like glitter.", he nodded sagely. Magnus stifled a laugh. How he had gone from semi - decent talk to this in the span of a few minutes, Magnus had no idea, although one thing was sure. It seemed Alec was drunk.

#malec #classandra claire #au #new chapter #i hope you enjoy