#doctor who’s coming back at the end of the year… i’ll probably do a full rewatch before that i guess….

[mummer]

god i guess it’s time to get a new Show. brutal. i feel like im betraying lovers

#how can i live without a Show. except every show that is suggested to me sounds like something i do not want to watch #doctor who’s coming back at the end of the year… i’ll probably do a full rewatch before that i guess…. #all the big prestige shows im just like. Uuuggh……zzzz… even though i know theyre great and i’ll like them #also i would love to watch something communally with a zeitgeist but thats gotta develop naturally #im a season into the x files but it’s so monster of the weeky that i dont have motivation to binge it really…. #i’ll be done with my black sails rewatch soon…. #this is the greatest conundrum of our time.

[sparrowssally]

I’m thinking about writing a Sally Sparrow/Tenth Doctor fanfic, so naturally I went and rewatched “Blink” tonight for the millionth time to get some inspo, and you know what kills me?

All the little details we don’t get. All the little stories that played out without us seeing.

Kathy getting zapped back to 1920’s Hull, directly in front of the cow farmer who will become not only her first friend in the strange new town she now has to call home, but also eventually her husband. When Kathy awakes in the night with her heart pounding and tears streaming down her cheeks, and simply chokes out “the angels…I dreamt about the angels again”, his arms are always there to comfort her. The dreams slowly subside over time as she adjusts to her new life, and soon there are other, more important things to worry about. Some good, like the birth of their children, and some bad, like the war. But Kathy survives and lives a full life, as do her husband and children, and with every picture she continually insists upon taking—one every time they have enough money to afford it—she thinks of her friend Sally Sparrow.

There’s also poor, lovely Billy Shipton, transported back to 1969 London—probably by the same Angel that sent the Doctor and Martha there. He’s just as unmoored as Kathy is, but—as strange as this Doctor guy seems to be—Billy finds himself liking him in a weird way. He makes a point to become Billy’s first friend in 1969, and he and his friend Martha help get Billy not only a place to live, but also a job working in publishing (even though Billy can’t figure out how the Doctor possibly managed to forge those papers that spoke to his “extensive expertise” in the field, or why he is so insistent upon splicing several videos of him talking in jargon into a bunch of completely unrelated DVDs once Billy moves into video production). Martha sets Billy up with a pretty girl named Sally who always comes into the shop where she works, and a few months later, the Doctor attends their wedding. Billy tries to find him afterwards at the reception to say thank you, but he’s already gone, leaving behind only a simple envelope inscribed “for the bride and groom”. It contains a pound note hefty enough to get Billy and his new wife off to a good start in their marriage, and simple card inscribed with a wedding blessing, written in a script and language neither of them can read.

The next time Billy does see the Doctor is many years later, when he’s old and grey, lying bedridden in a nursing home. Billy had never truly believed the Doctor’s claims of being an alien, but when he sees the same skinny, dark-haired young man walking across the room towards him—looking exactly as he had in 1969—he can’t help but cry in the midst of his wonder. The man who calls himself the Doctor is still a mystery, but as he pulls up a chair next to Billy’s bed and takes the latter’s outstretched hand, he’s as kind as he always was. He offers his condolences when Billy tells him of the passing of his wife, and smiles at the photos Billy shows him of his children, carefully dodging Billy’s question of whether or not he ended up having children of his own. But then he grows silent and his gaze grows sad as he looks out the window at the storm clouds brewing in the sky. “I’m sorry, Billy, I’m afraid I didn’t just come here to visit,” he says, and his voice is laced with a guilt and sorrow so deep that it sounds centuries old. “It’s time.” For a second Billy thinks he sounds close to crying for some reason, so he puts his wrinkled hand on the Doctor’s shoulder gently. “It’s okay.” he insists, giving him a soft smile. “This means I’ll finally get to see her again.”

#off to scream into the void for all the pain writing this has caused me #doctor who #sally sparrow #tenth doctor #Billy shipton #martha Jones #Kathy nightingale #doctor who blink #doctor who headcanons #headcanons #meta #doctor who meta #weeping angels #David Tennant #carey mulligan #Michael obiora #freema agyeman #Lucy gaskell

[jackiequick]

The Flash OC ⚡️

Leanna O’Conner 🌺

Full Name: Leanna Kira O’Conner

Nicknames: Lea, Lana, Anna, Annie, O’Conner, Doc, Darling, Flower

Age depending on the season: 32–38 (but she always looks young for her age)

Height: 5'3

Job: Assistant, Scientist, Detective and overall help of Team Flash

Shows she appears in: The Flash, Arrow, Supergirl, DC Legends Of Tomorrow and etc

Relationships: Ex-boyfriend Eowells and Harrison Wells Earth 2. Currently single.

Friendships: Iris West, Caitlin Snow, Cisco Ramon, Kara Danvers, Barry Allen, Felicity Smoak, Ray Palmer and the list goes on

Power Set: She doesn't have powers but ends up effected by the explosion and timeline change years later. Ends up with really good sense of hearing, enhanced listening which comes in handy.

~~~~~

Leanna was hired by Dr. Harrison Wells to be his little helper knowing she also has a background in science and tech, with a strong heart. That moment he knew she was someone who keep an eye on.

She quickly became friends with Caitlin, Ronnie, Cisco and Hartley having other scientists and engineers of S.T.A.R. Labs join in on the fun of their friendship. Over her months, more like a year, of working with them whole team she developed a huge love and respect for them. Lea grew close to Dr. Wells having a small crush on the older man, little did she know he felt the same way. Soon enough the night of Explosion came and everything changed.

Later on Leanna was sent to recruit Barry Allen since doctor Wells wanted to keep the coma patient at Star Labs instead, she agreed knowing that they can probably help him out when the time came. 9 months later Barry woke up and training with his speed began! One night, Harrison spoke into the microphone saying, “Run Barry Run!” for the first time as his hand causally slipped onto Lea’s in a comforting grip and she smiled back, leaning into his touch.

Later on the two started rather quickly dating over that. Dinner dates, kisses shared, hand holding, smiles, late night talks and etc. Love was in the air, friendships grew, Team Arrow came to visit Central City aka Oliver, Felicity and Ray, Team Flash was at its highest point but The Reverse Flash was out there…

Later Leanna gets a feeling that Harrison is hiding something from her and she confront him about him, Harrison tells her it’s nothing. Until a few days later while she’s walking down the hallways one morning at the Lab she leans against the wall noticing how difficulty tougher the wall felt and stumbles into room in between the wall where Thawne kept his suit and Gideon. EoWells became the new name.

Leanna is in shock finding the information as Gideon greets her saying “Hello Ms O’Conner. But you are only that last name during this lifetime. How may I be of assistance ma’am?” Leanna ask her the questions she has. But before she can ask about article and Eowells real family history, her boyfriend sneaks in behind. Eowells was standing, as he sat in Lea his famous chair and questioning her action by entering the Time Vault.

Eowells grumbles and pinching his nose, “Lea my dear, I love you. I really do but I can’t believe you’ll ask Gideon AND NOT ME!”

Leanna glares, “Oh please, Harrison or should I call you Eobard? I asked you earlier and you refused to answer me! If you really wanted my help or something, you could’ve been honest…do you care about me or am I just a game in your plan to build Team Flash..?”

“I-I do care! I can’t have them knowing yet, I promise you I will tell them about who I am and we can be together forever.”

“A week.”

“I’ll execute the best to way to tell them.”

“Or I tell the team.”

“You wouldn’t dare, I can tell your bluffing my dear.”

That night lead to screams, heartache and anger for the pair. Eobard told her bits and pieces of his story, but not everything keeping it a lie and Leanna fell for it. He hated seeing her that way, noticing the light and laughter flickering out of his girlfriend that night, pulling Lea into his arms, he kissed her and begged for forgiveness. She didn’t even know what to think, but let it slide hoping he kept his promise.

As weeks went on, Eobard didn’t say a word to Team Flash BUT Leanna did! She revealed his identity to Barry, Cisco, Caitlin, Joe and even Iris as they all worked against him. Eddie died sadly. Of course they defeated Reverse Flash, Barry went back in time to see his mother and they created a wormhole in Central City. Ronnie and Barry stopped it as Leanna held Caitlin in her arms knowing how heartbreaking it must’ve been for her friend.

~~~~

(Season 2–3)

Months later, everyone was working once again at Star Labs after a break from the chaotic year. Leanna worked with Joe and Caitlin most of those months as a biologist and detective. She became friends with Penny and her sister Patty, eventually finding a video tape for Barry and handing it to him. On there the video tape Eobard Thawne aka FAKE Harrison Wells confession to the murder of Nora Allen and his faults towards his relationship with Leanna O’Conner, saying that her and Barry have inherited a chunk, if not most of S.T.A.R Labs.

Everything was turning up nicely until two visitors from EARTH-2. Jay aka ZOOM and Harrison ‘Harry’ Wells. The moment Lea lay her eyes on Harry in Star Labs, she felt like she saw a ghost, like she was gonna throw up. The girl didn’t know what to think the long hours she spend standing near Wells and trying to get to know him. Cisco hated him, saying he was a grump and a total dick while Lea kept watch while working on a few test items noticing a look in Harrison Wells eyes. Anger, confusion, sadness and annoyance. The same way she felt.

She told Cisco, “Sooner or later, every man shows himself.” And Harry did. He was a little nicer in a way with Team Flash, being mostly closer to Cisco and Leanna. The three could be bickering over everything! However Harry seemed to care about her, finding her presents kind and lighten up his mood every once in a while. He barley heard her laugh or smile too often but when he did, he smiled.

One night, Leanna was closing the windows in Star Labs and checking up on the rooms before leaving it all to Harry. She stumbled into one of the labs searching for jacket that held a small brown notebook she lost earlier during the week. “Ah ha! I knew I left it in here…” She said with a small nod, noticing a small black notebook that was open with nice handwriting inside. She smiled.

Harry walked into the lab with a half nod and taking a seat near the sets of tables, grabbing his black markers and a white notepad scribbling down an idea. He felt her eyes on him and chuckled slightly, “Yes, O’Conner?”

“Is this yours?” She asked with a small half smile, taking a seat in one the stools pointing to the notebook.

He turned around questioning her query and eyes widen at the small black notebook, snatching it of the table and closing it. He glanced between the notebook and her before he asked, “What did you..see? In this case of the notebook, O’Conner.”

“Just your handwriting, and a narrative in the way you wrote a note, like a storyteller. And a name.” She replied honestly, pushing her hair out of her face. Harry questioned her knowledge cue her to speak more and she continued, “The name, Jesse, popped up on that small note.”

“…my daughter, Jesse. I told you and your team that Zoom took her, while some of his Metas came here to Earth 1. I miss her…”

“I can tell you do. I have a few nieces and nephews, I know how it feels to miss children you love…”

“Why are you so nice to me?”

“Because, Harry, you aren’t like the others. I can see the pain and anger in yours eyes after losing your light and laughter, being your daughter…I know that because I felt it. When your told the truth and something you love is taken from you..it hurts.”

“You were hurt before, weren’t you Lana?”

“Yeah. I was hurt before by Thawne, friends while I was child..even told that a woman couldn’t do much better than a man in my line of work.”

“They’re idiots.”

“What?”

“I’ve haven’t known you long but I can tell enough. Your very smart, kind, understanding and a badass with a gun. Hell, you shot down three Metas this month and cuffed them in front of the group like it was nothing. You show a lot of love and compassion towards everyone.”

“I was taught well. But don’t sell yourself short, Harry. Your a genius and gentle, a bit grumpy but it adds to your charm. You’re very understanding about a lot of things and see a lot compassion in people, notice things that they don’t.”

It was like sparks flew between that in that moment, of course they pair was attractive to each other after some time working together but this month felt stronger than ever. Harry saw a light flickering return in her eyes while Lea saw a balance of hope returning in his. Lea’s heart fluttered softly for him and Harry’s heart beats strongly for her. Two kept their emotions in control, not knowing what to say or do about this feeling..

Until Christmas time came near and Cisco hung mistletoe in Star Labs cortex, in hopes to have Caitlin and Jay along with the other couples to celebrate and kiss. But Cisco Ramon didn’t expect to walk into the Cortex, to find Harry Wells hands cupped onto Lea O’Conner’s face with such joy as her arms wrapped around his waist lean in for another sweet kiss. The two were in their own little world all smiles and no sorrow..

Cisco cleared his throat with his hands on his hips and yelled, “Well, well, well, if it isn’t The Grump and The Lady!”

The two snapped their heads towards Cisco in utter shock and slightly annoyance wanting to kick him out of the room. “Ramon!” Harry yelled with his hands still gently cupping his lady’s face, “Don’t you knock?!”

“Seriously, Cisco?!” Lea yelled at the same time as Harry did grumbling under her breath.

Cisco just laughed while also in shock wanting to know everything about this situation. He swore to not tell a soul but it didn’t last long as he told Barry, Iris and Caitlin, even Joe and Jay found out. They didn’t know how their relationship started exactly but it did and it felt just right. To add onto the dynamic, it was honestly a adorable height difference, if you ask Caitlin.

The two were inseparable, with Harry always standing behind her as his hands, placed comfortably on Lea’s shoulders as if it was the most normal thing in the world. She would smile taking one of his hands, placing a gentle kiss onto her knuckles that always tinkered with items in the lab. They weren’t big on PDA however the couple always seen giving small kisses on each other’s cheeks and forehead.

Of course, they bickered and fought like an old married couple at least twice a week, even over the smallest things.

~~~~~

Plenty of things happened, Harry got shot by Patty, a few metas, Jay revealed to actually be Zoom, and of course the famous trip to Earth 2 to save Jesse…Let’s just say Lea met Jesse under the worst circumstances as Zoom kidnapped her as well for high leverage over Team Flash.

Jesse screamed, ranted and cried the whole time, in the beginning Lea felt sorry for her and comforted the girl. Until her temper started to rise and snapped at the poor girl, telling Jesse that everything will be fine and that she’s braver than this! Eventually Jesse stopped and started talk to her to figure out how to escape. Thankfully Barry, Cisco, Harry, Killer Frost and others saved them! They all returned to Earth 1 with a survivor of Zoom to reveal himself as the REAL Jay Garrick. 

Everyone bonded, a few metas came in here and there. Harry, Lea, and Caitlin had to saved Jesse from going into shock. Lea and Jesse formed a bond afterwards. Plenty of other things happened as Barry’s dad died while trying to help them.

Eventually they defeated Zoom and everything was fine, until Barry created Flashpoint and you know what happened there! Team Flash was dealing with bigger issues due that change in the timeline order cause of the different Meta Humans, Caitlin becoming Killer Frost, Harry and HR, relationships blooming, the yearly crossover events and etc.

Forget to mention, Harry was a little jealous when HR would be flirty or anything similar to that with Lea. HR adored all the couples, especially Barry and Iris! But deep down he knew she was Harry’s lady.

~~~~~

As crazy it was, it was home. One afternoon, Harry walked into the lab to find Lea tinkering a equation for a biological connect between a few Meta humans and a new answer to Jesse’s speeding powers, getting a huge headache. He smiled, resting his hand on her waist kissing her shoulder tenderly. It was a rare occasion where he was the one easing her thoughts. Usually it was the other way around, with her being the one to do so, but it felt good.

Lea leaned into Harry’s touch and eased looking up at him with a small smile. They only been together for two years but it felt like they were the married couple of Team Flash with how comfortable they are around each other. She laced her lips giving him a cheeky kiss as he went in for another kiss.

“You forgot to add the 3 and subtract the 15, that’s why your having trouble.” Harry commented, taking the pen to fix the equation and being a genius, he solved it immediately.

“Of course I did. I’m better with a gun and genetic codes then rude math stuff..” Lea replied with a small huff, pointing to the paperwork.

“That’s why I’m the billionaire genius.”

“And I’m the junior biologist.”

“A gorgeous biologist, may I add.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“I would!”

Before she can replied or add anything else, Harry lifted the girl into her arms wrapping the love of his life into her arms grinning. Lea wrapped around his neck when suddenly she hissed her face laying on Harry’s chest, feeling a headache and a sharp ringing in her ears. His gripping stayed strongly against hers, rubbing her back until it passed and when it did, Harry asked, “Uh honey what was that? Are you okay?”

Lea whimpered for a moment and nodded, “I’m fine. I heard a ringing like a bell..or the elevator.”

“From here? Darling, your sure it’s not a headache…you’ve been having a lot of those recently.”

“No..it’s not.”

As if on cue, Cisco came in with a confused face holding a corn dog and texting Barry on his phone. He looked up and noticed the couple sensing something was wrong, Harry was skeptical, it happened out of the blue as he watch Lea’s reactions and his face lighted up. 

Cisco tossed Harry his machine and they the used old Meta Human detector waving it in front of her until it’s started slowly beating a gentle as Harry and Cisco face lit up. After a few hours it was confirmed, Leanna caught onto elements of being Meta Human!

—-

Hours and days passed as Leanna O’Conner became aware of her powers that bounced within her. She had to ability to have enhanced hearing. Cisco and Harry were VERY proud they found out of her abilities firsthand while Caitlin kept her abilities a secret. That was until Cisco and Lea found out with Barry about her power set. They love Caitlin and embraced her new abilities, even if Killer Frost revealed to be a bit of a insecurity for her. But Lea was always by her side for all of it!

To say Lea struggled with her powers was a understatement, there were moments where she heard everything from a 4 mile radius and moments where she couldn’t hear anything at all. The first days she couldn’t sleep or think straight, having to wear noise canceling headphones that Cisco and Harry built for her or Iris hug her from behind to hush her worries.

Weeks past and everything changed for Team Flash, they’re team grew up but also downgraded. Since Killer Frost kept showing up making issues harder, Savitar kept wanting to kill Iris, Wally West got powers and started dating Jesse, and etc.

OH! The Invasion, The Musical Crossover Event and happened as well. In result, was a world wrestling issue for the teams as Supergirl, Arrow, Legends and others join in. Barry and Iris even got engaged twice, which everyone celebrated.

More Metas came to town, causing Lea to take action and step up even more with Team Flash, since she was always behind the scenes of all the action. Time travel happened and then it was the night of Iris’s death…

It was a crazy nightmare for Barry and the rest of Team Flash, fighting against time to save Iris from Savitar and Killer Frost. Stressful, heartbreaking and frustrating to say the least. In the end they won, H.R. swapped positions with Iris, as she went to kill Savitor with a gun she took from Lea.

There was a small funeral held for H.R. Wells during a somewhat cold rainy day, everyone dressed in black underneath umbrellas burying their short lived friend. Caitlin returned as Killer Frost for the funeral telling Lea and Cisco she needs some time to figure herself out but will return later on. A few days later, Lea and Cisco were packing up for a small trip to Earth 2 with Harry when a portal opened a few blocks away result all of Team Flash to take action.

The portal was The Speed Force wanting Barry to spend some time with them for a while, for his issues of messing with the timeline. It was heartbreaking to see Barry Allen go, Lea held Iris in her arms comforting the girl as she had to watch her fiancé leave for a while. Julian, Cisco, Harry and Joe stayed behind watching the mere sad action take place as a group…

Thanks to reading and I hope you liked it. If you have any questions onto Season 4-5 put them in the comment section below 👇🏼

Tags: @gaminggirlsstuff @morgan108 @msrochelleromanofffelton @t-nd-rfoot @yetanotherwells @blueboirick @sherloquestea @sherlkore @gcthvile @ohgodnotagainn @topgun-imagines @gcthvile @superspookyjanelle @blackheart-beauty @hanlueluver and etc

#the flash #the flash oc #the flash au #cw the flash #oc stuff #chloe bennet #face claims #barry allen #cisco ramon #harry wells #harrisco #harry wells x reader #caitlin snow #killer frost #iris west #iris west allen #westallen #joe west #jesse quick #eobard thawne #eowells #arrowverse #arrowverse oc

[masterwords]

no better place

Summary: “I knew a new puppy was a bad idea.”

or

The time Hotch broke his foot stepping over a brand new puppy and spent the entire holiday season laid up.

Words: 5.7k

Pairing: Hotch/Morgan

Warnings: injuries & surgery, mention of clooney's passing

Notes: So...Comfortember is still happening but this popped into my head and I couldn't get it out so...now it's out there. Chicago Times, old men, Jack is at college and everyone they love comes to help. This should get busy and fun. I want to dive on to SO MUCH comfort. This is Chapter 1 of...many. Probably. I'll make it a landing page later.

****

“Fractured in two places? You’ve gotta be shittin’ me!”

Derek was staring at the x-ray like it had to be a joke. They had to have mixed it up with someone else’s.

“I told you,” Hotch replied with a smug little smile in spite of the fact that it was him sitting on the exam table with his foot draped in icepacks while he waited for the shot of whatever pain killer they’d given him to kick in. Derek rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“How’s that possible? It was one step.”

“I felt a pop. I knew right away.”

“Do we need to check for like, osteoporosis or something, doc? One step…come on. How?” Derek just couldn’t believe it and Hotch was more than a little irritated at how he was reacting. Some part of Derek refused to admit that getting older meant doing less with more consequences, and try as he might to outrun the perils of aging, it couldn’t be done. Still, Hotch wasn’t sure this had as much to do with him being older as it did with just simply landing wrong with his full body weight. He was pretty sure even ten or fifteen years ago it would have ended up with the same result. As if reading Hotch’s mind, the doctor just shook his head and pointed to the two small fractures in the top of Hotch’s foot, a common injury site that had a relatively high healing rate. He’d just begun to feel somewhat comfortable, resigned to his fate of lying on the couch watching the world go by for a couple of weeks when the other shoe dropped.

“This kind of break is extremely common, even in young people. There are a lot of small fragile bones in the foot. The breaks are clean but I am concerned that there are two of them, one in the 4th metatarsal and one in the 5th. This could make organic healing a challenge at your age. I am going to suggest surgery – the procedure would take roughly two hours, it’s an outpatient procedure so you can go home as soon as you’re cleared, and it doesn’t extend the healing time by much. What it would do is strengthen that area and give you the best fighting chance at regaining your active lifestyle.”

“Surgery?” Hotch was at least two full clicks back. The drugs they’d given him were strong and he was out of it. Derek had plenty of experience asking questions and slipped right into that part of his personality that had been neatly folded up and put away since he left the BAU. Suddenly he was Agent Morgan in the interrogation room again.

“What kind of surgery? What’s the prognosis with and without it, doc?”

“Here is the information, everything you could want to know about the procedure and why I am recommending it. If I didn’t know how active the two of you are, I would probably not be pushing for it but this injury could severely impact your lifestyle if it doesn’t heal correctly. And given your age, that’s unfortunately very likely. I’ll step out and give you a moment to look over the paper and talk it over, and then I’ll come in and we’ll splint it up and send you home to rest.”

“Thanks doc.”

Derek didn’t hesitate. He glanced down at Hotch who was lying on the table with his arm thrown over his eyes, and he pulled out his phone. He wasn’t exactly sure what time it was in Thailand but it didn’t matter, he had to call Savannah. Get a second opinion.

“This had better be good,” she said instead of hello. “It is 5am and I still had two hours on my alarm clock, Derek.”

“Good morning beautiful,” he said automatically, a smile on his face. Thirteen hours, he knew now. She was thirteen hours ahead of him and he felt a little bad calling and waking her up, but not bad enough that he wished he hadn’t called. Even when she was grumpy she made him smile. “I won’t keep you long, I just...we had kind of a situation happen and I need your opinion.”

“A medical situation or a Hank situation?”

“Hank’s good, it’s Aaron I’m callin’ about. He broke his foot this morning taking a step weird. Non-contact, two fractures, and Dr. Carter wants to do surgery. What do you think?”

“Did he leave the x-rays in the room?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Send me pictures of them, give me five minutes and I’ll video call you. I want to see him and his foot too okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

She didn’t even take the full five minutes, and when Derek saw her face he breathed a sigh of relief. She smiled at him gently and even in the dark of her room, with no makeup on and her gray flecked hair pulled back in a ponytail, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

“Has Dr. Carter come back yet?”

“No, just us. They gave Aaron a shot of something that looks pretty powerful and we’ve been waiting for it to kick in. I’d say it’s kicked in, he’s practically dead to the world.”

“Alright. Well I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I agree with Dr. Carter. The fact that it was a non-contact injury makes me a little concerned about it happening again, and putting a couple of screws in there is going to help make sure it doesn’t by helping it heal correctly. There are no guarantees, but this would be the recommendation to just about any athlete with an injury like this. What’s your hesitation?”

“Last time he was under, his heart stopped.”

“That was a traumatic situation and emergency surgery to correct internal bleeding, Derek, not a scheduled outpatient foot surgery. I know you worry but this is a low-risk situation.”

“So you’d do it?”

“I would. Can I talk to him?”

Derek brought the phone to the side of the exam table and tapped on Hotch’s arm, rousing him. He hadn’t been sleeping, exactly, just zoning out somewhere in the caverns of his mind. “Yeah?” he rasped, lifting his arm to look at Derek. What he saw instead was Derek’s phone and Savannah’s smiling face and he followed her lead with his own sleepy, slow smile. “Hey you.”

“Hey yourself,” she said. “How you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“Yeah. They gave you the elephant tranquilizers huh?”

“Guess so.”

“Good.”

“Do you want me to have the surgery?” he asked, blinking slowly. There was only one reason she’d be looking at him right now and even if he couldn’t remember Derek calling her or any of their conversation that had happened right beside him, he knew that much.

“I do. Ultimately it’s your choice, but I agree with Dr. Carter.”

“Okay.”

“That’s it?” Derek asked, staring at Hotch with a look of pure confusion. Hotch just shrugged. “No fight?”

“I trust Savannah.”

“Okay then. Guess we’re scheduling surgery.” Derek’s mind hadn’t quite caught up to where they were at, not really. How they’d gone from his complete disbelief that there could be any broken bones at all to having two of them and surgery on the horizon was beyond him. He wanted to laugh and cry over the absurdity of it.

“Let me know when the surgery is. I’ll see if I can get some time off to come help with Hank.”

“Thank you,” Hotch said, throwing his arm back over his eyes to shield them from the harsh overhead lights. His head was pounding...it didn’t exactly hurt, not through the fog of the drugs, but it was annoying and the darkness made it stop. It didn’t do much to alleviate the intense throbbing in his foot though. That, he knew, he was stuck with for the foreseeable future.

Derek said goodbye to Savannah and hung up, shoving his phone back into his pocket before leaning down and kissing Hotch’s elbow. Hotch hummed in response and Derek only sighed miserably, already beginning a mental checklist of everything he would have to do to get their house ready. Moving furniture, getting a shower chair, installing bars in the bathroom. He would have to take time off of work, talk to his mom, call Penelope and tell her their trip back to Virginia was canceled until further notice. There was so much to do he didn’t hear the doctor knock before re-entering the room. “I knew a new puppy was a bad idea.”

It had only taken a week for him to come to that conclusion. One week ago things had been good, everything was on track for a vacation and a busy holiday season until the dog.

“A puppy?” Derek asked when Desiree brought her over, ready to convince him that it was time. She only shrugged and smiled, holding the tiny little ball of fluff up to Derek’s face. A black sable German Shepherd, all dark fur laced with enchanting bits of tan and silver and red. She stared at him curiously with dark eyes and he already knew he was going to have a hard time saying no, something about her already seemed to know him and love him. It made his chest ache. Clooney had been gone for a couple of years now, he’d been in good enough shape to live longer than a dog his size should have and Derek had almost convinced himself Clooney might be able to live forever. Until he didn’t, and while the years had padded his grief some and their little family had moved on from tears to reluctant acceptance, he wasn’t sure he was ready to get another dog. To replace Clooney.

“She’s not a replacement, Derek,” Desi said, shoving the dog into his arms. “I loved that old fool too, but Jack’s gone off to college and Hank needs someone to play with. You guys could use a guard dog living in that neighborhood.”

Derek regarded the puppy with her floppy ears and huge chunky paws. “A guard dog?”

“Oh, Derek come on. She’s basically Clooney’s granddaughter or something. I don’t know how dog breeding works but her mom is related to Clooney somehow.. Just take her for a week, test it out. If she doesn’t work out I’ll find someone else or take her myself.”

“Why aren’t they training her?”

“She’s a little broken, just like you like ‘em.”

She was bred for duty as a K9 but she had a small heart defect that, while the vet assured them it wouldn’t affect her quality or duration of life, would preclude her from duty as a K9 cop. Desi’s fiance was one of the K9 officers and was trying to get her help to find families for the dogs they couldn’t use. “One week.”

The very first day, she peed inside of Derek’s favorite running shoes and chewed up the toe of Hotch’s pair. Lesson learned, no more shoes beside the door. She wasn’t terribly destructive after that, though she did do a lot of peeing on the wood floor. Hank played in the yard with her for hours, chasing her and playing fetch, and at one point while he watched and found himself softening up to the idea, Derek wasn’t sure who exactly was fetching.

“I don’t want a puppy,” Derek said as they crawled into bed that first night. Already his resolve had weakened but he wasn’t there yet. He would be sad to give her back, sure, but he would still do it. “She’s cute, I’ll give her that...but a puppy? We’re getting ready to fly to Virginia...what do we do with a puppy?”

“Let’s give her a chance. I don’t want a puppy either but Hank seems very motivated to help. Maybe we can use this as a tool, he’s old enough for a little responsibility.”

“He’s seven, he ain’t trainin’ no puppy.”

“I don’t mean that, but he can feed her and take her into the backyard when she needs to go out. He can keep her brushed. He could probably teach her a few little tricks.”

“You’ve gone soft in your old age.”

Hotch had no argument for that, he knew he had. And he supposed it was his right to do so, he’d been gruff and stern far too long. He simply smiled and nestled down beneath the blankets. It was getting cold. “I know you miss Clooney. I do too, every day. She wouldn’t replace him. No dog could ever. But it might be nice having another dog around.”

Derek tried to enjoy the puppy, but her bark grated on his nerves and the peeing in the house was about to drive him crazy. Hotch wasn’t crazy about any of that either but he was trying to maintain his status as good cop to Derek’s bad cop at least for the week.

And then Hotch fell. Well, he didn’t exactly fall, that was the part that Derek was the most bothered by. He never hit the ground, that would have made more sense. He just stepped wrong. Coming up the back porch steps after taking the as yet unnamed puppy out in the early morning, he hopped up the slick steps to the back deck like usual. The same way he took the steps every day, except this time a puppy made a mad dash and darted beneath his feet to chase a bird that landed in the yard. He pivoted on the slick wood to avoid stepping on her and landed with all of his weight on his lead foot at an unnatural angle. He knew right away his foot was broken, or maybe his ankle, that part he didn’t know. But it was broken, that he was sure of. He felt a sickening pop that released a wave of pain that coursed from his toes to his knee. It took everything in his power not to collapse right there on the spot. Instead he just let out a low groan and limped pathetically back into the house like a lame animal, waiting for the puppy to follow him inside before shutting the door and falling into a kitchen chair. Derek found him at the table with his head down ten minutes later, just breathing through the worst of it.

“What’s up?” He asked, wiping the sleep from his eyes. He looked down at the puppy sitting at Hotch’s feet and thought she had a strangely sad or guilty look about her.

“I think I broke my foot,” Hotch said from inside of his arms. The act of talking made him feel dizzy and sick, his hands were shaky. He knew he was in some kind of shock. “Could you get me some ice please? I can’t walk.”

“Can’t walk? Broke your foot? How? It’s 7am man.”

Derek went to the kitchen and rummaged through the freezer for an ice pack quickly, confused and trying to reason out what could possibly have happened in the thirty minutes since Hotch had gotten out of bed. Walking back to the table, the look of confusion plastered on his face, he watched Hotch slide his foot gingerly out of his slipper with shaking hands and he saw it right away. His ankle and the top of his foot were already swelling, the color changing from pale to a pinkish red. He couldn’t believe his eyes. “You’re gonna have to talk to me here.”

“I was coming up the stairs,” Hotch said quietly, taking the ice and setting it on his foot now propped up on the chair beside him. The pressure from the icepack hurt and he had to put his head down again to ride out another wave of intense nausea. “She got under foot. I didn’t want to step on her so I just shifted a little and landed funny.”

“So you didn’t even fall?”

“No.”

“Probably just sprained…”

“I felt it pop Derek.”

It didn’t seem possible, but Derek made the call to Hotch’s doctor’s office to see if they could get him in today to check it out. Neither of them wanted to go to the Urgent Care and sit for hours, it wasn’t exactly an emergency. The pain came and went, a little ibuprofen at least took the edge off and Derek didn’t have any problem helping him from the kitchen to the living room so he could lay down on the couch to try and rest off the shock. From there they waited. His doctor was able to fit him in for an appointment in late afternoon with an x-ray scheduled first, they just had to stay comfortable until then. Derek still couldn’t believe it.

“It can’t be broken.”

Derek couldn’t bear to watch the x-ray, watching them move Hotch’s foot into positions that caused him pain. He was in the room but he couldn’t look. Still, the longer the day wore on and Hotch’s condition didn’t seem to improve the way it might have if it was a sprain, he began to come around on the whole broken idea – they wanted to put Hotch in a wheelchair and he didn’t argue. If it was a sprain he would have been walking on it. He might be getting up there in age but he was still tough as nails – they’d both suffered their fair share of strains and sprains as a natural side effect of their active lifestyle, so for this to take Hotch down...he knew it had to be big, he just couldn’t wrap his mind around it being this bad over nothing. Over a misstep. Because that meant it could have happened to him too, it meant that they had to be more careful with their bodies, it meant they needed to get into even better shape...he didn’t know. It unsettled every bit of comfort he’d developed over the last few years.

The worst part was, he found himself blaming the puppy. When they told him Hotch couldn’t walk for two weeks and he should spend most of that time resting, meaning he would have to take on extra work around the house, meaning they would have to reschedule their trip to Virginia to visit Penelope and the rest of their friends. Meaning a whole hell of a lot of things, all because Desi convinced him a puppy might be fun.

Well she was going to hear about this, because his idea of fun didn’t involve broken bones and crutches.

“We’re not keeping her,” Derek said as he helped Hotch from the wheelchair into the waiting car. There was no comfortable way for a man of his height to sit in any car with a broken foot, but they didn’t have far to go and Hotch didn’t complain even if Derek could tell he was uncomfortable. “Two more days and Desi can find someone else to take her.”

“Derek…”

Derek didn’t answer, and didn’t look at Hotch because that might wear him down. Hotch had obviously already become attached to the little thing in spite of the predicament she’d caused him. To avoid having to look at Hotch, he swung them through their favorite place to get milkshakes and bought them a treat before driving home in silence. He didn’t want to be so cruel but this wouldn’t have happened if not for the puppy, and now he had to call Penelope and tell her they weren’t coming to visit, that they instead had to spend a week preparing for surgery and then six to eight weeks (or more) recovering from it. It was going to crush her. She’d been preparing for their visit for weeks now.

“I’ll come to you!” she said, without hesitation. “You’re going to need the help and I have plenty of vacation time saved up. I was going to take the whole week you guys were here off anyway...I’ll get a plane ticket right now. How does two weeks sound? Is that too long? Is that long enough?”

“Babygirl, you don’t have to spend your vacation taking care of us.”

“I know, silly, but I want to. Let me. Please. I miss you both so much and you’re going to need the help.”

He found it impossible to say no to her, and by the time their conversation was over he had a time to pick her up from the airport on his calendar for the next morning and a little more peace in his heart. He knew she was going to convince him to keep the puppy too, but she would help him take care of Hotch and he could use her support. As soon as he was off of the phone, he went to tell Hotch they were about to have company and found him sleeping with the puppy lying on the floor beneath the couch looking up at him as he breezed through the room. She still looked sad and guilty, like she knew what happened. He felt a little bad for her so he scooped her up into his arms and gave her a kiss on the head, called her a good girl, took her outside to pee and called Jack while he sat out there waiting for her to do her business.

“Broken?! I’m gone for two months and my dad breaks his foot?!”

“It was a freak accident. He’s okay though, I’d let you talk to him but he’s sleeping on the couch.” The puppy was sleeping on his lap now, stretched out across his thighs like she owned the place. Derek had to admit that was sweet and he wondered if she knew, in some way. If she felt responsible. She’d been a little extra clingy since they got home, staying close to Hotch for no real reason he could account for. And the minute he’d allowed it, she was up on his lap.

“Do you need me to come home?”

“Absolutely not. You’re in your first semester of college, man. You don’t have to worry about us.”

“Apparently I do!”

“No, Jack, you don’t. I got it. Plus my whole family’s here, we got Jess...who I have to call next...and Penelope’s flying out. You stay in New York, be a kid out on his own, don’t worry about your old men. We’re fine.”

“Will you have him call me when he wakes up?”

“Sure thing.”

Jessica was livid. About what, she didn’t really have words, mostly just that he was hurt and he didn’t call her. “How much time should I take off?”

“You don’t have to take any time off. Just come by when you can. Penelope’s gonna be here tomorrow and she’s staying for two weeks. My mom and sisters are gonna help.”

“I’m coming by tonight with dinner, do not cook. We’ll make a game plan then.”

“Jess…”

“Derek, he’s my brother. Let me help.”

Derek sighed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want the help, he knew they were going to need it, it was just that he was starting to feel the crushing weight of being a burden to everyone he loved. He could only imagine how it was all going to make Hotch feel once he woke up and became aware of the situation. He was glad that all Hotch knew right now was whatever dreams he was floating through and the warm weight of the puppy on his legs.

His mom and sisters showed up with bags of groceries in their arms and a truckload of pillows stuffed into giant trash bags. “What’s all this?”

“Go get the walker from my car,” Fran said, handing Derek the keys. “It’s folded in the trunk.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

There was a walker, a shower chair and a small brown bag full of gel ice packs all stuffed into the trunk of her car. He scooped it all up in his arms and made his way back into the house, hoping they were all being quiet enough not to wake Hotch.

“What’d you do, rob the old folks home?”

“This belonged to your grandma, it’s been up in my attic since her hip surgery two years ago. I knew it would come in handy. Just needs a good wash.”

Desiree was looking at the puppy on Hotch’s lap while Sarah pulled out the lysol wipes and began cleaning up the dusty old medical gear. “You’re going to need to move this furniture around, make the walkways bigger.”

“I know.”

“And put some bars on the walls in the bathroom. Probably two near the toilet and another two in the shower.”

“I know, Sarah.”

“Hey, don’t take that tone with me. I’m just trying to help.” Sarah had spent the first few years of her adult life working in retirement and assisted living facilities, she knew all of the ins and outs. He was lucky to have her experience even if he didn’t exactly want it right now. He just wanted this all to go away.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m going to do some shopping tomorrow to get everything I need.”

“You have a week. I’ll help.”

“I got it,” he said a little indignantly. He could manage the repairs on his house himself, it was the only part of this whole thing he felt like he did have any control over. The only part he knew how to handle. But the look Sarah gave him was equally as stubborn, and he knew that whatever came out of her mouth next was going to crush his chances of doing it himself.

“He needs you to be available to help him, which means you can’t be out and about at the hardware store and punching holes in the walls. I know you got that whole Mister Fix-It thing you like to do, but you have to step back this time little brother. Your husband needs you.”

Yeah, he saw that coming. She knew how to break him down. He didn’t even recognize it until the tears were burning in his eyes and she was pulling him in for a hug.

“It’s all going to be fine,” she said quietly, patting his back. “He’s going to be okay. You’re just going to have to slow down for a while. It’ll be good for both of you.”

He nodded and tried to stop himself from crying but it was no use, and that was what Hotch woke up to. The sight of his sister consoling him beside a living room full of medical equipment that hadn’t been there earlier.

“Derek?” he asked, his voice a hoarse sleepy whisper. “What’s the matter?”

Derek sniffled a little and sucked it up, puffing up his chest and flashing Hotch his best smile. “Nothing. All good. How you doing? Can I get you something?”

Hotch scrunched up his nose and considered the questions but they were too much in the soupy mess of his brain. He let his hand settle on the puppy’s chest, feeling the gentle rise and fall of her ribs and smiled.

“I think she likes me,” he whispered and Derek let out a laugh.

“I think she feels guilty.”

“For what?” Hotch asked and Derek just shook his head. Of course Hotch wouldn’t look at it like that.

“Nothing…” he said, brushing it off. “Let me get you some water.”

“Already on it!” Sarah called, rushing toward the kitchen. Hotch blinked stupidly around the room, as if realizing for the first time that it was packed with people. Fran and Desiree were moving furniture out of the way and unpacking what looked like every throw pillow they could find in Fran’s house.

“Ma, what did you do?” Derek asked as the pillows tumbled out of the bag. Fran just laughed.

“These are my extras.”

“I think you got a problem…”

“I don’t see you complaining when you come sit on my furniture.”

“What am I gonna do with a thousand Christmas throw pillows?”

“Prop your husband’s foot up, make him comfortable. He’s going to be laid up through the season so I thought it should be festive. I’ll bring over all of my good Christmas blankets in the morning but they had to go through the wash.”

“Ma…”

“Hush. Don’t you ma me, now sit down with him while we put this place together. I took care of your grandmother for six months while she healed, one of your sisters is in med school and the other has worked as a caregiver for years. I’d say we’re experts and you are simply in our way.”

“Ma.”

“Shh. Hush. We’ll make you a list of things to get done when we leave, but for now...sit.”

“I see why you’re so bossy…” Hotch whispered, sitting up enough to allow Derek room to squeeze in behind him before he leaned back against the brick wall he called a husband. Derek’s arms draped over his shoulders and circled him.

“You boys want me to turn on the TV?” Fran asked and Hotch was about to say something when Derek shook his head.

“No. Just do your thing.”

Hotch wouldn’t have minded the television on, it would have provided a distraction from the intense throbbing in his foot, but if Derek didn’t want it on he must have had a reason so he just lay there against him petting the puppy as he waited.

“Penelope’s flying in tomorrow morning,” he said, and Hotch nodded. He had already assumed that would be the case. No way they could cancel on her for this reason and have her just say okay, maybe another time. “She’s going to stay for a few weeks and help out. That cool?”

“Do I have a choice?” He asked it quietly but with a soft smile. Derek just shook his head.

“Nope.”

“Then yes, it’s cool. Anything else?”

“Jess is bringing dinner tonight. She wants to talk.”

“I figured as much. You made yourself busy while I slept. Did you call Jack?”

“Of course. He wants you to call him. Kid’s probably got a plane ticket ready to buy so you should do that soon. Tell him he’s forbidden to come home until his holiday breaks.”

“I’m sorry Derek,” Hotch said, his voice quiet and thick with emotion. Derek didn’t have to look at him to know he was crying, and part of that was the drugs they’d given him in the office but the rest...well that was just Hotch. He felt things so damn deeply.

“For what?”

“Don’t,” Hotch whispered, reaching up to swipe the tears from his cheeks. “You know why.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. Shit happens. We’re gonna be fine.” He knew Hotch wasn’t worried about himself, he was worried about how this was going to inconvenience everyone around him. All of the tasks he was responsible for around the house, taking Hank to school in the mornings, assistant coaching his basketball team, taking trips and Christmas shopping and sledding and...all of it gone. “We might never be alone again...but we’ll be fine. Come on,” Derek said, twisting around so he could look at Hotch. “Don’t cry. Come on. It’s gonna be hard but we’ve done hard things before.”

“I know.”

“Will you stop crying if I say we can keep the damn dog?”

Hotch scrunched his nose and sniffed, a little insulted that Derek was talking to him like he was a child. But it was also funny enough to make him smile. Glancing down at the dog, he patted her on the top of the head and let his hand rest there heavily. He didn’t have the strength to do much more. The drugs in his system were making time lag, making his body heavy and bone tired. They didn’t do much for the pain that drove in waves from his knee to his toes, but they did make him find it hard to care or focus there long.

“You hear that Paige? He says you can stay. I knew he’d come around.”

“Paige?” Derek asked, his voice cautiously quiet. Hotch had named the puppy. He clearly had no plans to give her back whether Derek had agreed to it or not.

Hotch hummed happily and nodded. “Satchel Paige. She loves the baseball Hank throws for her.”

“When did you decide all of this?”

“This morning. Outside. Was going to tell you, but...”

“Yeah,” Derek said, smiling down at her, finding that he’d been stroking her soft fur for the last few minutes absentmindedly. She was so warm, breathing slowly, nestled in against Hotch’s thighs. “I guess you had other things on your mind.” Satchel Paige. Paige. Something about her having a name that meant something to both of them, a link between them, the first member of their family that would come from their own union...it softened him up. And when she snorted and twitched her ear and stretcher her legs out stick straight before curling back up around her cold little nose, he knew there was no way he would have ever been able to give her back either. Hotch just knew it first.

“It isn’t her fault, you know,” Hotch whispered, running his fingers up her fuzzy little snout. He was already in love. “Look at her.

“I know. It just sucks, man. I hate seein’ you in pain.”

Hotch smiled and leaned back, closing his eyes. The world had taken on a foggy, unreal quality that made him feel dizzy. He sank into Derek and grounded himself against his solid form. “I’m alright. Just tired.”

“Then sleep. Jess will be here soon, then you can both call Jack together. I’m not allowed to move anyway...you might as well take advantage of this.”

Hotch didn’t need to be told twice, he was drifting off by the time Derek finished talking.

#aaron hotchner #derek morgan #hotchgan #criminal minds #fanfiction #chicago times universe #my soft soft old men

[voolfman]

Bring Out the Dead Man

Sctir fanfic multi-chapter fic posted on ao3 by voolfman

Chapter 4

Anxiously, Yoojin drummed his fingers in a tight and fast tattoo against the top of his knee as he waited for the eternity to end and for the doctor to come back so that Yoojin could check up on that Myeongwoo and make sure someone else had not in fact bled out in front of him and well on him in the span of less than a week-

“Mr. Han,” and wow, Yoojin had not even noticed the doctor entering the room. Maybe he had used more mana than he had intended. “You have a clean bill of health,” the aging doctor monotoned, fixing his rimless bifocals, “There’s no no need to make another appointment unless something else comes up. Thank you and have a pleasant rest of your day.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Yoojin called to the quickly retreating man, grabbing his crutches and meeting Sunghan right outside the doorway. “Shall we go check on our fallen rockstar?”

Sunghan quirked his eyebrow up at Yoojin. “He’s two floors up in room 649. He’d lost a lot of blood and was pretty dehydrated, but they expect him to make a full recovery.” He pressed the elevator button and Yoojin let out a pent up breath as they were lifted to the injured man’s floor.

As they stopped in front of Myeongwoo’s door, Yoojin hesitated as he internally debated the wisdom of what he was about to do, but he clenched his fist, his nails threatening to bite into his skin, and knocked on the door.

For what felt like five years, but could have only been five seconds, Yoojin’s stomach roiled anxiously before a thin, reedy voice called out, “Come in.”

Yoojin gently slid the door open, “Hello! Glad to hear you’re going to be on the mend…Myeongwoo?”

The hunter, who was now sitting up somewhat in the bed in the brightly lit hospital room, raised his eyebrows almost up to his hairline as his fingers gripped the sheet. “Yes? Do I know you?”

“Ah, personally? I doubt it,” Yoojin chuckled quietly and somewhat derisively, “But I did happen to catch you before you tried to kiss the pavement?”

Myeongwoo’s eyes grew to the size of saucers, and, when not hidden by the stringy carpet of hair, Yoojin thought that he had nice eyes. Kind eyes. “You..helped me?”

“Well-” Yoojin scratched the back of his neck, trying to hide the slight redness that was creeping up it - “Mr. Kim here did most of the heavy lifting, really, I just became a cushion…”

“Thank you!”

“Whoa! You don’t need to bow-”

“Thank you-”sniff- “really!”

Panicking slightly, Yoojin scrambled up to the crying man’s bedside, “Hey! Uhh hey-hey, it! It’s okay! Don’t cry! You’ll open your stitches! I’ll uhh I’ll be back tomorrow…”

That got the watery mess to calm down. Wiping his tears and blowing his nose into the handkerchiefs Yoojin was handing him, he finally choked out a response. “Really?”

Internally heaving a massive sigh of relief at the fact that Myeongwoo was no longer sobbing his eyes out over an act of general, human decency, Yoojin grabbed his crutches and ruffled the man’s hair before it occurred to him that Myeongwoo was probably the same age as him (old habits die hard) and did his best to act casual despite his faux pas. “Yeah, really. Rest up, eat well, and we can talk tomorrow. It was nice to meet you, Myeongwoo.”

A starstruck gaze stared up at Yoojin similar to the likes of a kid doing his best to stay up in the hopes of meeting Santa Claus. “It was nice to meet you, too…?”

“Yoojin,” dripped hesitantly off of his tongue.

“...Yoojin,” Myeongwoo mumbled as his eyes drooped and he fell asleep.

Turning to Sunghan, Yoojin put his finger to his lips in a shushing motion and silently hustled the two of them out to the hallway.

“Phew,” Yoojin leaned against the wall, “Sorry, I hope you don’t mind if we come back tomorrow? I mean, I’m sure he’ll be alright, but…”

In the silence that followed, Yoojin was sure that Sunghan was thinking of a way to bring down the hammer of Yoohyun’s absolute rule. Honestly, if this kept up, Yoojin loved the kid, but there really was a limit - "I… would like to apologize.” It was a low rumble, a quiet admission, a gut punch that stole the breath from Yoojin as his weight was kept hold by the wall and his crutches. “I may have misjudged you.”

"...nah, I acted outta line at some points.” Wild how your whole perspective can do a 180° once you find out that your only remaining family member didn't immediately abandon you as soon as they possibly could. "Thanks for looking out for Yoohyun, though. He's always been a quiet kid, so appreciate your taking care of him."

An ever so slight smirk snuck onto Sunghan’s face as the two started to pick their way back to the car, “I only picked up where you left off. I can see where the Guildmaster picked up some of his more… unique quirks.”

“Yoohyun was a perfect child! What are you inferring?” Yoojin smashed the elevator button grumpily. Yoohyun was just a little emotionally stunted, that was all.

Instead of answering, Sunghan only chuckled and stated that Yoohyun was a very good Guildmaser and that he was incredibly lucky to be a part of the Hayeon Guild. Which was an obvious sentiment because of course Yoohyun was running Hayeon well, he was Yoojin’s perfect little brother who was standing in the kitchen cooking when they arrived back at the apartment.

“Why’re you here?” Yoojin gasped and raced across the apartment as fast as his crutches could carry him. The kid had at least five more days until he was supposed to have finished the dungeon.

Yoohyun turned away from whatever he was frying in the pan to speak to his brother.“I live here-” the spatula dropped from his hand and splattered sauce all around the stovetop. “Hyung! You’re covered in blood! Mr. Kim-!”

“It’s fine. It’s not mine.” Yoojin brushed away his concerns to pull Yoohyun close and examine him, pulling back his sweater’s sleeves and reaching up to tilt his brother’s face this way and that. “Not the point. Did you rest at all in that dungeon? It looks like you’ve got quite a pair of eyebags-” Yoojin bit his bottom lip, “You should’ve been in there for at least a week longer!”

“It wasn’t a difficult dungeon.” Yoohyun squinted in mild annoyance at Yoojin brushing off his own concern only to absolutely baby Yoohyun. Hypocrite.

“It wasn’t- It was S- rank!”

“An easy S-rank.” Yoojin called bullshit on that lame excuse.

“...an easy-!” No, Yoojin was going to step back. Yoohyun was 25 now. He was 25 and alive and Yoojin was still going to worry, wasn’t he? “ Anyway, while you are resting up, Yoohyun-” and you are going to rest was unspoken “- I’m gonna have to head out tomorrow.”

“No.” And that’s final, was left unspoken for him.

“Yoohyun,” Yoojin shook his head, it wasn’t like he was requesting to go into a dungeon, “I’m going to visit a friend I saw in the hospital.”

The disbelief was abhorrently evident on Yoohyun’s generally impassive face. “You … have a friend in the hospital?”

The silence following the question could have been compared to the vast, unknowable solitude of of the universe, only broken by the gentle and playful sizzle made by the oil in the pan. “You know what? That’s so rude. I have friends.”

“...” Yoohyun seemed to think that silence was the better part of valor in this scenario and pushed around the pork belly so as not to let it burn.

Refusing to back down, Yoojin turned to the man who had been accompanying him all day and to all of his past trips to the hospital for the past couple of weeks. “Mr. Kim, back me up.”

Sunghan, however, would never lie to his Guildmaster. “You met today.”

“And I saved his life, hence the blood,” Yoojin gestured to his ruined clothes, “ his blood. We’re friends.”

Yoohyun shot his Second in Command a concerned look before turning all of his worry towards his brother.“Hyung…”

“Mr. Kim will be with me, and Myeongwoo’s an F- rank, so it’s fine.”

“Fine.” Yoohyun could tell that Yoojin would not back down with this. He’d let him go, just this once, though. “Just be careful and be back before dark.”

Oh, how the tables turned, or at least that’s what Yoohyun thought. Really, was he that naive? Yoojin was 30. He was an adult. “Are you giving me, your older brother who raised you, a curfew?”

“I made lunch, Hyung-” the adorable little bastard had plated the food and it looked divine, holding it out to Yoojin.

“Your attempt at changing the subject is successful for the sole reason that I don’t want to fight, but I am going to the hospital tomorrow. You have work to do anyway. And for pity’s sake, make sure those under your care are alright after going through an S-rank dungeon at such a reckless speed.”

#sctir #han yoojin #s classes that i raised #han yoohyun #tsctir #the s classes that i raised #ao3 #yoo myeongwoo #kim sunghan #bring out the dead man #chapter 4

[wetkiwis]

𝙽𝙴𝚆 𝚈𝙴𝙰𝚁𝚂

Summary; reader works in office, Ichigo is a doctor who travels for his jobs sake. He comes back home for new years to see his wife. Expressing long sweet words in the process.

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲: not smut, soft, loveable

♡-𝓬𝓱𝓽; ichigo (bleach)

There. I was sitting down shielding my head from the noisy world surrounding me. I was in a work environment, which it’s an office full of employees who work in the same space as me. It was almost 5 minutes before I officially clock out, and leave. Which is what I’m looking forward to tonight.  It’s new year’s eve, meaning I have one full day to rest being tomorrow and then I’m going back to work all over again. As much as it sounds nerve wrecking, I don’t think I can do it at all. Everyday feels like I’m opening the same envelope. Time, and time again. I sleep for 6 hours at night, barley get breakfast in the morning, or even a lunch cause there’s never a break. Just an endless cycle that won’t end. But tonight I also get to see my husband. Me, and him have been married 5 years in the making. He’s became a doctor which was 4 years ago, he moves one place to another. One week it’s Africa, next week it might be Europe. We call often, which he’s always the one checking up on me all the time. I remember the last time we were united together…was last year at Christmas. There wasn’t much to say, or talk about cause we genuinely don’t know what either are up to at this point. 

TICK TOK TICK TOK! The clock screamed to 6pm. Which it was my time to clock out, and leave. There were many things to prepare for especially tonight. Which I was in a typical rush. I got up from my seat, wrapping my cotton clothed flannel coat around my upper body, practically hugging my waist. Scooting my chair in the empty space I was in, grabbing my white tote bag. Ichigo bought me bags alot from his trips back home throughout the years of us being together, or often sent them as a gift. Somehow this one managed to be my favorite one from last year around my birthday. He wasn’t here to give it to me, but he wrote his trips single handily of his adventures around the globe, He’s a great storyteller, when we first met all he talked about were stories of him conquering evil spirits. That I’ve never believed obviously, he’s always had those silly made believe fantasy’s running through his head. If he told anyone else he’d probably be diagnosed schizophrenic, and sent to an facility. I rubbed the bag motioning my hands on the diligently bold fabricated letters. Which I loved the design, and material.

My hands stroke the bag as I’m walking slowly through the building to enter the elevator. My phone begins to ring. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!!! I look down at my vibrating purse, stopping for a second. Freeing my phone from my bag, Inching it to my site to see what it might be. Clutching my superbly sharp phone, I see it’s Ichigo. I guess my thoughts synced, we both thunk about each other at the same time??? He never calls me when the sunsets, it’s more when it rises over here in Karakura. I hit a green circular button on my phone, choosing with my own free will to answer it. 

“Hello,” I muster to say.

“Hi baby, how was your day.” He says asking a question.

“My day was pretty long, about you?”

“My day was pretty wild. I’m still at the airport…I-“ his phone breaks up due to bad cellular reception surrounding him.

“-I miss you, what are we eating tonight?” cutting back on to finish what he was saying before.

“It’s a surprise, you’re just going to have to find out.” I chuckle into the phone at my noticeable joke. He dislikes when I make these jokes, always with a disgusted mugged face. My mind flashes from a while back, when we were close.

“Seriously??? Aw man, I’ll be there in a few love.” He said. You honestly love it when he called you pet names it had a ominous chokehold over your neck, and heart. If it took a breath a day out of your lifespan you would die from suffocation. 

“Okay bye, I love you.” Your face widened and so did your grin. Even after a long time of not seeing this man he still managed for you to feel nervous. You had this man the same way. But you already knew that.

“I love you more.” He said, as you could hear his face, and heart twittering around like a mad bird who’s been chasing around for a worm.

You hung up ending the call. As you open your car door. 

Driving into the crowded city, people were posted everywhere. Bars, restaurants, even some of the streets were closed due to the parades tonight. Making some streets not able to enter, and being shortened. 

Once you made it to the store you knew what you were getting. Pasta, bread, and dessert. Maybe even wine, or flowers if they were even in stock. Alot of people celebrate with their loved one on new years, wouldn’t it be exactly silly to believe those last things were even available??? That wasn’t my mindset at the moment, I just had to get in and get out. 

I make my way home, it’s practically dark in this uptown apartment. It takes about 30 minutes to drive here but it’s worth it, seeing all the beautiful countryside surrounding it. Especially in your house, outside you got the perfect view of the city, which was spectacular. All the flashing lights, celebrations. You could see anything, as if you were superman in the air staring down on humanity. 

You decided to settle down for awhile, the tv on in the back. As your head marinated with your back pressed on the bed. The cloth protecting your skin was pure silk, and light pink like a flamingo’s feathers. Delicacy. This whole week was a stress it was infant horrible. The paper piling up more, and more. Your boss keeping you late Tuesday. Workers being fired mandatorily for slacking off, you were grateful enough not to be one of the unlucky. Almost every then and now, you’d flicker and open your eyes back up and repeat. Your lack of sleep was also needy, it wasn’t like one day would fix all of your problems though. 

Lost in your pervaded thoughts. You couldn’t help but not hear the door creak. With your back on the soft mattress, head turned to the left looking at the ponded view, and mind filed to the brim of whatever war you’re battling against in your head. Ichigo placed a spot right in the door way, snugging his abroad shoulder against the wall.

“Cat got your eye?” scaring you off the bed, and scanning the room.

“Ichigo! You couldn’t have said something sooner??” you said yelling in a high pitched tone showing your fear.

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention to make you scared. I’m hungry now c’mon.” His hands motioned to the kitchen which was behind the living room.

I unpacked the bags, warmed the stove, got out pots and pans, and decoded the table. There wasn’t anything wrong, ichigo often set up the table when he came back home for dinner. Always placing a fork, and knife of the places we’d eat. It was honestly his specialty, it’d look like a great rated restaurant when he was done. 

The food was done everything was stable, i lastly poured wine in our cups. We quietly sat down with the news playing the parade on the tv. 

“Isn’t this sight beautiful? A night with a lovely girl, and a great night of love.” He said as he bit into his garlic bread.

“It is indeed beautiful, I’ve reminisced on this night almost every way possible. Things are lonely, and colorless without your energy. I guess you can say, after this week I feel free. I mean, I got to see you after all.” I confessed. As much as I loved ichigo I never said this in our 9 years of marriage. 

Ichigo touches my hand, turning my palm around to staring deep into my soul with his melinated eyes. 

“I love you Y/N. There’s not a way I would be happier without you. All these years, I still look at you like it’s the first time again. For your voice is all I need to have a happy day. Which I hope it’s the same for you. I can’t imagine a day you are not within me, I’d crumble. Cause nothing would give me motivation to do anything at all. I truly love you with all thats in me till the end of my days.” He sobs in heartfelt words coming from his heart. Feeling human emotions, like any other person. He’s truly feel engraved with you.

“I love you too, my love.” You scrunch your face, finally hearing words of comfort and relief. Letting the chains off of your neck from any negativity, and all that intimacy with your one, and only.

#ichigo kurosaki #orihime inoue #rukia kuchiki #byakuya kuchiki #soul reaper #uryu ishida #renji abarai #nelliel tu odelschwanck #bleach #rangiku matsumoto #toshiro hitsugaya #kenpachi zaraki #sosuke aizen #retsu unohana #kisuke urahara #yoruichi shihouin #bleach tybw #bleach fanart #kurosaki ichigo #bleach ichigo #fanfic #espada #quincy #anime fanfic #anime and manga #Bleach #bleach x reader #ichigo x reader #ichigo x you #anime x reader

[theveryworstthing]

I Live.

Gonna give y’all a little life update copy-pasted from patreon since I’ve been gone for a thousand years. I don't really want to get deep into everything because sharing too many private details about my life/family on the internet feels a little icky even when people are nice but a quick rundown is:

1. My mom was helping my aunt through the legal proceedings of a messy divorce from her abusive ex husband and had to fly to her place like every 2 weeks. During her stays there she sensed something was wrong and after a few doctor's visits we found out that my aunt has early onset dementia. She's being taken care of by family and her shitty ex will never see her again if we have any say so but it's been Rough. She doesn't deserve this shit.

2. Surgery Bonanza! Mom has to get a giant mysterious fatty mass schlorped out of her back and my Grandma Lou' s thyroid gland went insaneo style and blew up into two huge masses that had to be cut out of her throat before they completely cut off her breathing. Then she had a bonus surgery to help with her failing eyesight. On the bright side, there was no cancer found in the weird lumps harvested from my kin.

3. My cat developed a weird lump full of cancer. I spotted a small lump on his right back leg over a month ago and after begging his former vet for an appointment sooner than 2 weeks away we finally got him in. Within seconds she said that it was probably cancer and that if it is he probably won't survive the treatment for it because he's 15 so do I really want to know? Because if I know then maybe I'll want to treat this expensive thing  but if I wanted to let it ride it might be easier I guess? Because letting my weird little son die without trying to save him or give him proper end of life care is cool as long as it's cheaper and I don't have to think about it as much???? This was before any sort of intensive check on him or the tumor was done btw. The little dude was pretty much either a dead man walking or he had some mysterious swelling that time would take care of as far as she was concerned. Either way there was the vibe that she kind of wrote him off.

I ordered tests for him anyway, waited 2 weeks to get inconclusive answers, ordered an x-ray (which should have been done with the other test but whatever), waited a week and a half to learn that yeah, he probably does have cancer maybe and thank god it's not spreading too fast because uh oh! It's been almost a month and that bad boy has been growing this whole time!!!! Also it took weeks for them to bother scheduling any kind of re-check. At this point they say that there's nothing they can do and offer to get me in contact with what seems to be the only animal cancer specialist around. Who's like 2 and a half hours away. And has a crazy wait list. Did I mention that Coup hates being stuck in his carrier and will stress out and cry constantly every time he's forced to travel anywhere? So after reaching out to friends and family I found another much closer vet who could give me a second opinion first and thank god I found that place because not only did they actually judge him by his actual level of health instead of just his age when it comes to treatment (besides the cancer Coup is healthy as an ox, stellar scores in bloodwork and overall cat-ness, vet said that judging from his behavior/usage of the leg that we're probably more concerned about the situation than he is) but they also had a treatment plan rolled out and ready by the end of the visit. The boy is almost done with his chemo injections now and even though the shrinking is slow he's still in great health so we're daring to dream.

Fuck The Haters.

Other things happened but I don't want to talk about those things. The bottom line is that I'm not juggling a hell schedule or crying every day now so I want to get back in the drawing saddle. Thanks again to everyone on patreon who stuck around and basically threw their money in this mysterious pit, Y'all helped pay my bills when I was literally too mentally wrecked to work. And thanks to everyone else who sent me random good vibes, hoped I was okay, said nice things about my art, and were generally pretty cool even though I fled social media. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

#talkin #medical #cancer #just chock full of downers

[skyalent]

Witches Can Be Good | Supernatural x Scarlet Witch! Reader - Part 3

Warning: Angst

Happy New Year everyone… although kinda late. I’m not gonna lie I totally forgot about this until I finally logged into Quotev and got notifications on people commenting for part 3. I’m so sorry TwT RisaIceCreamPudding and Arabella from Quotev… but also thank you for reminding me <3

Also do you guys want me to make a masterlist? I don't expect this series to be too long, but if you'd like it, I can make it. Or a taglist. Just let me know with a comment!

Part 1 *~* Part 2 *~* Part 3 (You are here) *~* Part 4???

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Part 3: ...Goodbye?

The brothers were acting strange and Y/n knew it. She didn’t know why because she didn’t want to pry into their minds, but she did make subtle attempts to make them open up to her. Nothing was working so far. 

Meanwhile the brothers were full of all kinds of thoughts. After Sam deemed the DVDs safe and normal they watched the movies together while they sent Y/n out on a solo ghost hunt. 

Dean’s mind was blown over and over again. One, Y/n’s real name was Wanda and was part of the avengers!? Which was pretty damn cool especially with how hot she looked back then (and she only got hotter as she got older). But then both him and Sam found out about Y/n lover. Vision, a robot, but he reminded them of Castiel, as both were learning how to act human. 

While watching they felt like they were intruding in that moment. The way the two confided to each other… Dean wasn’t one for chick flick moments but he could tell that these two were utterly in love with each other. 

But then they witnessed the pain Y/n went through, practically losing everything. She lost her brother, her twin- a mute scream emphasizing her pain. Dean and Sam could relate, having lost each other more times than they could count.

She lost Vision to Thanos, the ugly wrinkled grape that both brothers just wanted to beat up in order to never see Y/n look that upset again. 

Then she herself died, her face oddly calm as she dusted away. But Sam understood. At that point, Y/n thought she had lost everything and had nothing left to live for. Her thoughts were probably along the lines of, at least I’ll be with my brother and Vision.

Coming back to life 5 years later, Y/n was understandably angry as she unleashed her anger on Thanos. But after that Y/n was lost. 

Her brother, gone. Her lover, gone. And as she came back to life she learned that her sister figure, Natasha, was gone too. 

Maybe that’s why they could only sympathize and understand as they watched WandaVision that for once in her life Y/n just wanted to be normal and happy. 

It was quite weird to watch Y/n magically give birth to two twin boys, but they couldn’t deny the amount of love Y/n had for her family. 

And then… 

“Dean isn’t that the witch that gave us the DVDs?” 

Agatha Harkness. Now the brothers knew that the witch could not be trusted based on the way she treated Y/n. 

The next time they see her, Dean isn’t going to hesitate in shooting his gun. 

But then onto Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness… 

“LIKE DUDE WHAT THE F*CK!?” 

First off, Y/n was hot. As in, slay b!tch, get it kinda hot. And she was kinda evil. 

“But think about it.” Sam pointed out, “She just lost her children, who she had for like, a couple days, she lost her husband- although I can see that she’s accepted his death by now. At this point Y/n is just desperate for her family, for love, for normality.” 

Sam wasn’t ashamed to say he was balling tears by the end of the movie. Obviously, Y/n wasn’t dead, but she had gone through so much that it left one question in their minds. 

Does Y/n… still want that normality? 

Because even if the Winchester brothers hated the thought of getting rid of Y/n from their lives, Y/n would never get to live a normal life while being friends with them. She would be stuck in a hunter’s life.  

“We should let her go…” Dean said blankly after a few minutes of silence. 

“Dean-”

“No, I’ve thought this through. That life she wanted. Sam, she’ll never be able to get that with us. Didn’t you see how happy she was with her family? I admit it was kinda f*cked up, but now she has another chance at it again. We can give her that chance again.”

Sam contemplated it, though Dean could see his resolve breaking. 

The Winchester brothers were going to let Y/n go.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The brothers had driven Y/n far from the bunker after telling her they were going on a trip. After parking into a driveway, they stepped out, a confused Y/n following after.

“Wait, what’s going on? Why-” 

“Y/n what we do is extremely dangerous, and it’s only going to get more dangerous from here on out.”

“Dean, I know that already. Why do you think I’m here? To protect you guys because-” Y/n attempted to explain but was cut off by Sam. 

“We can’t be associated with witches Y/n. All the hunters know who we are. Once they figure out what you are, even more people will be out to kill us, on top of the supernatural.” 

“Alright I’m calling BS-”

“Sorry, Y/n. But please, this will be so much better for you. We even paid for this house and everything. Don’t worry about it, please.” Dean opened the trunk and took out Y/n’s suitcase, rolling it to the door and passing the house keys to Y/n.

“But guys you’d be even safer if-”

“If you stayed here.” Dean sternly said to Y/n, looking directly into her eyes. She swallowed, her mouth feeling dry. “We don’t need a witch helping us.” 

Frozen, Y/n could only watch as the brothers got back into the Impala and drove away into the distance. Heart broken, tears uncontrollably ran down her face as she wept.

“...but you guys are my family…”

So... Part 4???

< Previous *~* Next >

#reader #x reader #reader insert #supernatural #loki #dr strange #wanda maximoff #wanda marvel #scarlet witch #marvel #the avengers #avenger reader #sam winchester #dean winchester #witches #witch #fanfic #fanfiction #scarlet witch reader #Witches Can Be Good

[fireflykaizoku]

Law x Reader | When You Remember Me | Chapter 5

[1] - [2] - [3] - [4]

When Law came back home, he found you distracted writing on a piece of paper while looking at your phone at the same time. You were so focused on whatever you were writing, but the sound of the door closing made you jump, and smile at the sight of the man.

— Hey, Law, you’re back! — you greeted him, sounding very happy and energetic for the first time after the accident. — While you were away, I couldn’t sleep so I did some research on my condition… Well, I think I can call it “condition”, right? Well, anyway, it doesn’t matter right now… I was very curious, so I needed to search for answers…

— Research? Answers? — he raised an eyebrow, sitting on the dark leather chair in front of you while Bepo happily came to greet him as well. His tattooed fingers played with the dog’s white fur, waiting for you to continue what you were saying. — And how come you’re that full of energy when you barely had any sleep?

— Ah, yes, I found some energy drink in the fridge! But as I was saying… — you showed your little notes. — Apparently, my condition affects some of my memories as we already found out, but maybe I can remember to do some things if my procedural memory wasn’t damaged. Like driving or, I don’t know, cooking, for example! 

Your excitement was making Law feel very positive about your condition. And in fact, you were right. Even though you couldn’t recognize some people or recall most of your memories of the past few years, if your procedural memory was indeed intact as if you were thinking, you could do some things by yourself.

— So, what you’re saying is… — he asked, waiting for you to finish your line of thought.

— I want to drive, please! — you placed your hands together, in a begging gesture. —  I remember that I started learning when I was in college, so maybe I still remember, right? Since we know that my memories from college are still here…

Law thought for a few seconds. It was risky, but… If he sat by your side and decided to take you to a quiet neighborhood to try to drive… It could give some positive results. Also, with your (E/C) eyes full of hope and happiness looking at him, it was hard for the doctor to tell you "no".

He tried to think that, in the end, it’d be all for science and medical research, right? 

But it was still too early for that anyway. He needed to be rational and think as a doctor. Law couldn’t put you at risk.

Not after almost losing you so recently.

— I mean, we could try… — the man started, but before he could finish, you jumped and hugged him.

— Thank you so much! Alright, let’s go! — you got up and rushed to get your jacket before heading to the door.

— Eventually. We can try, but eventually. — he continued. — But it’s too early for that.

— Why? — you pouted unintentionally while looking at the man, stopping with your jacket in your hand.

— First, because you barely had any sleep ever since you woke up at the hospital, so you can’t drive right now. And besides, you need to fully recover before you can drive anything.— he got up and walked towards you, placing his hands on your shoulders and helping you make your way to the bedroom. — Come on, let’s take you to bed.

You yawned, as if you remembered how sleepy you actually were. Letting Law guide you, you arrived and sat on the bed.

— But soon we’ll drive, right? — you said, laying in bed and making yourself comfortable. 

— Yes, we will soon. — he shut the curtains and turned the lights off. The doctor moved closer, getting the blankets to tuck you in — Sleep well, (Y/N). If you need anything, I’ll be in the living room.

It felt like your body could relax for the first time, knowing that you were secure with someone who would make sure you were okay. And with that, you fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow.

When you woke up, you could notice the sunlight entering through the curtains. You got your cellphone, that was placed on the nightstand, something that probably Law did, since you don’t even remember grabbing your phone before going to bed.

It was 8 AM already, and you felt as rested as ever. It was the best sleep you had ever since everything happened. However, Law wasn’t home anymore.

The little note he left on the fridge explained his absence, even though you already knew the reason.

“(Y/N), I didn’t want to wake you up, so I just let you sleep. I left for work, but let me know if you need anything. You can call or text me anytime. Make sure you eat well and have some rest. I set the alarms for your medications as well.”

You texted Law to let him know you were okay, and started to make something for breakfast. It was a good opportunity to see if you remembered how to cook. And honestly, you didn’t do very bad. For someone who lost almost all your memories from the past few years, you still knew how to make some pancakes from scratch pretty well.

While eating, you checked the pictures and social media on your phone. There were pictures of you and Law, many pictures of Bepo sleeping or videos of the dog doing something funny, and also, many pictures of Luffy when apparently, he took your phone.

You got a message that made you raise an eyebrow. It was from a number that wasn’t saved on your contacts. The text said:

“I know we’re not talking anymore, but I heard what happened. I hope you’re doing OK.”

You took a screenshot and sent it to Law. When he replied, you noticed that your social circle was very small, so even if you tried to “escape” from the guy’s presence, everything led to your ex boyfriend.

Eustass Kid.

#trafalgar law x reader #trafalgar law #one piece x reader #one piece #one piece scenario #law x reader

[praxeus-13]

Something Lost In My Head

(Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3)

Pairing: Dhawan!Master x Timelord!Reader

Word Count: 5400

Summary: The Master takes a break to search for his long lost love, slowly losing hope of ever finding you. Then, an unexpected phone call gives him some hope.

Warnings: Brief mentions of murder, but this is The Master so really what do you expect?

Tag list: @hopefulfuturenovelauthor @geocookie21

A/N: Thank you all so much for the amazing response to the first part! I hope you enjoy this, and I’ll try to get part 3 done in two weeks time but no promises :D

The Master was lonely, he had been for a long time. Terrorising The Doctor or her pets would always help, at least for a little while, but he always had to retreat and replan. Terrorising others would also help, though never as much. Burning Gallifrey had helped a lot, but the loneliness had come back, as always. He spent a lot of time yearning for the days when he wasn’t lonely, before the Time War, before the High Council had interfered.

When he’d had you.

The Master, or Koschei as you used to call him, knew that he could always depend upon you. As far as his younger selves had known, you were always going to be by his side. The two of you, exploring the universe together, often leaving a trail of chaos in your wake. These days he left a trail of destruction, his days of practically harmless chaos were long gone.

Still, he had always held out hope. The Master refused to believe Rassilon when he had told him that you were dead, he would have killed Rassilon on the spot if the High Council hadn’t been prepared for that. He’d stopped fighting in the war then, in a fit of grief and rage he had shoved a chameleon circuit onto his head and threw his human self to the end of the universe.

When The Doctor found him, and caused him to wake up, he was still full of that grief and rage. His regeneration after that had spent far too much time trying to destroy the world and himself in the process. Missy had followed after that, and she had gone along the same path for a while, but whenever it had gotten quiet she had gone looking for you.

When The Doctor finally caught up with Missy, and locked her up in the vault, she finally started to process her grief over losing you. She had spent many of those years crying to herself, never letting The Doctor see, putting on an act until the final years. Then she had started to talk to him about you, telling stories he hadn’t heard before, and she could almost allow herself to move on.

Almost, but not quite.

Missy had always known you were still out there, and she’d told her Doctor as much, but she could tell that he never believed her. The Doctor told her how he had gone looking for you, as soon as he had figured out what happened, but he’d been unsuccessful and had eventually given up. She’d been angry then, The Doctor had known you nearly as long as she had, The Doctor was the one who always had hope - so she didn’t understand why he would give up on you. Missy’s dying thoughts had been focused on you, reliving old memories and making new vows for her next regeneration.

When The Master ended up in his new body he had done three things. First, he’d gotten off the Mondasian ship. Second, he’d gotten a new outfit before Missy’s corset caused him to regenerate again. Third, he went to Gallifrey in search of answers. Unfortunately, the Matrix had yielded no answers to your status of whereabouts, though it had lead to a long chain of tiring events.

He’d escaped Gallifrey before the Death Particle had gone off, though the cyberium had jumped out of him and into one of the Cyber Masters just before he had left, and although The Doctor had bested him yet again he didn’t have the energy within him to care.

Now The Master was practically back where he started, alone in the universe with even less leads and even more wounds. In a century or so he would probably seek The Doctor out again, create more elaborate plans in hopes of beating her, but now was not the time for that. Now he was going to fulfil his promise to his previous regeneration and find you, or at least give it his very best try.

———

It had been 48 days for him since the events on Gallifrey had taken place. The Master was sat in his TARDIS’ console room, going over the plans he had laid out all over the floor. He had made a map of the universe - or at least all of the parts left remaining after the Flux had swept its way through - and had highlighted all of the places he hadn’t looked yet. The Master was halfway through crossing off some of the locations that he had tried when he heard a phone ringing.

It took him a while to locate the phone, it was the one he had used as O to contact The Doctor though after that plan had failed he hadn’t had much need for the device anymore, so he hadn’t used it in a while. Eventually though, he did find it.

When he looked at the caller ID he was surprised to see “The Doctor” written on the screen, though there it was. Honestly he’d hoped that she’d actually thought she’d killed him (again), but that clearly wasn’t the case. The Master hesitated to answer, not wanting to be distracted from his search to you, though he was itching to find out why in Rassilon’s name The Doctor was calling him.

Unfortunately, he took a second too long to decide, as the phone stopped ringing. A second later his screen lit up again, and he answered immediately.

“Doctor! What an unpleasant surprise, what do you want?” It wasn’t hard to put on a mask, pretend that he wasn’t sleep-deprived and depressed.

“I’m sending you coordinates, meet me there.” Her voice sounded slightly shaky, and The Master was intrigued, however he wasn’t stupid enough to fall right into a trap.

“Come on now Doctor, I’m not stupid enough to fall for a trap that weak! I’m hurt that you’re underestimating me.”

“It’s not a trap, just get there.”

“Why would I do that? You’ve given me absolutely no incentive to do so.”

That was a lie of course, merely the fact that she had elected to call him was incentive enough, but he was restraining himself. He’d made a promise to himself, and his priority right now was searching for you.

Strangely, The Doctor took a deep breath before she spoke, as though what she was about to say was life-altering information and she had to prepare herself to tell him.

“I found Y/N.”

Well, that definitely was life-altering information.

The Master froze, almost sure that he hadn’t heard her correctly. He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, trying to verify with himself that she’d actually said what he thought she’d said.

“What?” When he spoke his voice was barely above a whisper, completely unsure of himself.

“I found Y/N.”

The Master didn’t know what to do, how to react. There were a thousand questions racing through his mind, and a thousand feelings to go along with them. Were you okay? Why did The Doctor call him instead of you? Did she actually have you with her, or did she simply know where you were? Would The Doctor try to use you as a bargaining tool? Back before the war the answer would have been a definite ‘no’, but now the two of them had drifted so far apart that he simply didn’t know the answer to that question anymore.

Then a chill of dread filled his body as another question came to mind.

“Master?” The Doctor’s voice shook him out of his spiral, and he realised he hadn’t said anything for a few minutes.

“Is- Is Y/N alive?” His voice broke when he asked, not being able to bare it if he found out that The Doctor had only found your body.

“Oh! Yes, yes they’re alive. Just-“ The Doctor paused, seemingly struggling with the correct words, “It’ll be easier to explain in person.”

The Master feels a jolt of fear at her comment, and he can’t wait another second to see you.

“I’m on my way.” He tells her as he starts to make his way around the console, typing in the coordinates and setting the controls in the correct positions, “But Doctor, if this is a trap I’ll kill you and every little pet you’ve ever had.” He hangs up before giving The Doctor a chance to reply.

The Master’s body was on autopilot for the journey to The Doctor’s selected location. Meanwhile his thoughts were still running wild, though they were mainly focused on theorising about whatever The Doctor needed to explain. All he could conclude was that you were probably injured in some way, and he just had to hope that you would be okay.

As soon as his TARDIS landed The Master hurried out of the doors. The planet that The Doctor had given him coordinates to was insignificant in the grand scheme of things, nothing sentient ever lived there, and eventually it would be burnt up by its closest sun. The Master didn’t pay attention to the planet’s atmosphere, only focused on The Doctor’s TARDIS as it materialised in front of him.

The Doctor stepped out, looking no different from the last time he had seen her, closely followed by Yaz. The Master was surprised that the other two didn’t also follow her out, but he put that thought to the back of his mind.

For a moment the three of them stood and stared at each other, The Doctor and The Master simultaneously deciding to put away recent events in favour of you, Yaz unknowingly observing.

The Master decided to break the silence. “Is Y/N with you?”

“Yes, they’re resting in the TARDIS.”

Nodding, The Master started to step forward, he had every intention of seeing you as soon as possible. Rather than moving out of the way, The Doctor straightened up and blocked his path.

“I know you want to see them, and you will just- I need to tell you something first.” The Doctor had a pitying look in her eyes, he had seen it many times before.

The Master didn’t say anything, so The Doctor continued. “Firstly, it’s been two centuries since they last saw you, at least as far as I can tell. They had been on the same planet for that time, before we found them.”

The Master felt nauseous, he hadn’t even considered time differences, but he should have. After all, you were both time travellers. Part of him was glad that you hadn’t spent millennia apart from him as he had from you, but two centuries was still a very long time - even for a Time Lord. Another part of him was angry, angry that the two of you were out of sync, that you’d had to spend years of your lives growing and learning but not with each other.

Still, he couldn’t find anything to say, at least not to The Doctor.

The Doctor seemed to sense this as she continued. “Secondly, uh, it seems as though Y/N has-“ She took a breath and closed her eyes, before opening them and looking directly at him. “Y/N has lost almost all of their memory.”

The universe seemed to go deadly quiet in that moment, not even the everlasting drums in his head seemed to be there.

Then, like a tsunami, everything seemed to come rushing back all at once. The constant drumming, the tidal wave of thoughts and feelings, it was nearly too much to cope with. By some miracle he was able to form a comprehensive sentence.

“What- I mean- What? Are- are- are you sure?” The Master looked into The Doctor’s eyes, practically pleading with her to say anything to give him some hope on your condition.

“Yes, they didn’t recognise me even once I told them my name. Actually they didn’t even know their own name until I told them.”

“But, you said they’ve lost ‘almost all’ of their memory? What does that mean? What do they remember?”

The Master was heartbroken and grieving for you again, but this time he could at least be comforted with the knowledge that you were alive. So, he decided to try and focus on the facts, get as much information as possible in hopes of getting your memories back.

Strangely, The Doctor gave him a small smile, “They remember you. Y/N couldn’t remember their own name but they could remember you, your name, most of what you looked like over your regenerations. Despite it all they’re still Y/N, they spent most of the time talking about you, they were worried about you even though they’re the one with memory loss. Y/N is still Y/N, I think their memories are just suppressed.”

The Master nodded slowly, starting to understand what The Doctor was saying and what it meant.

“So, what? Rassilon used a chameleon circuit on them? Are they human now?”

“No, definitely still Time Lord - I checked. But the High Council kept a lot hidden from public knowledge, they could have used a similar technology. Either that or a very skilled telepath messed around in their head.”

Well, at least The Doctor had a couple of hypothesise and they weren’t just starting with nothing.

“I’ve had the TARDIS take a full medscan of them while they’re resting, it should be done soon. Hopefully the results will be able to give us more information.” The Doctor tried to give him another smile, though it was clear she was still worried about your state.

Surprising himself, The Master gave her a small smile back. At the end of the day he was grateful for her effort. After all he had done to her over the recent centuries she had every right to simply leave you wherever she had found you, or to never tell him that she had found you. Instead, she had chosen to help you, and to help him.

“Can I see Y/N now? I won’t do anything to harm your TARDIS or your pets as long as they’re here, you know that.” All he wanted to do right now was to hold you in his arms and promise to never let you go again.

The Doctor nodded and behind her the TARDIS’ doors opened, she went through first, followed closely by Yaz. Finally, The Master walked in.

The Doctor’s TARDIS hadn’t changed from when he’d last seen it. As far as TARDIS interiors went, hers wasn’t the worst, though it was certainly never one that The Master would chose. You’d probably like it though.

The Doctor walked directly over to the console, checking one of the screens that seemed to be doing everything possible to get her attention. Concerned, The Master headed towards it as well, though Yaz stood in his way before he could get close enough to properly see the screen. Instead he watched The Doctor’s reaction to the words she was reading, he became worried when her eyebrows furrowed and her face scrunched up angrily.

However, when she turned to face him she had a neutral expression on her face, or at least as close as she could get to neutral. “Overall, they’re okay, only a few small bruises and scratches. But the readings for their mind are all over the place, and the results aren’t narrowing down what could have happened to them. I think one of us is going to need to actually enter their mind and have a look around, to properly figure out what’s going on.”

The Master nodded, it wasn’t what he’d wanted but he would do anything to help you. “I’ll look, I know Y/N far better than you, and I’ve spent enough time in their mind to know what it should look like.”

“Sounds like a plan, want to see them now?”

———

The Master was nervous, which wasn’t an emotion he would readily admit to feeling, nor was he too familiar with the feelings associated with being nervous. He was pacing as he waited outside the Medbay, The Doctor had gone in to check on you and had left Yaz to watch over him. Luckily, The Doctor’s favourite pet human hadn’t said a word to him, so he had been able to focus on trying to calm his worries.

Your memory loss certainly complicated the situation. If you still had your memories in tact reuniting with you would have been easy, neither of you would have needed words to convey all of your thoughts. Now though, he actually had to think about what he was going to say, about what he was going to do. Hundreds of scenarios were playing out in his head, though he still hadn’t found the exact right one. Of course, The Doctor had terrible timing as usual, and walked out of the medbay right then.

“Y/N is awake now, I haven’t said much about the memory loss, but I let them know that the rest of them is fine. You ready to go in?”

Unable to get any words out at that moment, The Master simply nodded. Then, The Doctor opened the medbay doors once again, allowing him to step through.

His eyes caught on you immediately. You were sat up in one of the hospital-like beds, and though you had regenerated since he had last seen you, he knew it was you. He wasn’t sure there would ever be words to describe the relationship between the two of you, though he supposed that the only ones who could ever come up with that language would be those who could experience such an eternal relationship, and there were very few of those people in the universe. Somehow though, the bond between the two of you meant that you could always recognise each other no matter what either of you looked like.

The Master walked towards you cautiously, still not completely sure of what his next action would be. Luckily, you spoke before he had to think too much.

“Koschei.” Your voice was barely above a whisper, it was as though you had spoken without exactly thinking about it.

“Hi.” His heart ached, for so many reasons, so much so that he could barely get the word out.

“Hi.” You spoke, and he could tell that you were nervous, though it was more giddy than scared.

“How are you feeling?” The Master asked as he perched on the edge of your bed.

“I’m- I don’t really know? I feel better now I’m out of that place, now that you’re here.” The Master had to use all of his strength to restrain himself from wrapping his arms around you. “The only thing that I’ve known for certain these past centuries is that if I found you I’d be okay, that I’d be safe. I am now, aren’t I? I’m safe, yeah?”

You looked at him with such hope and trust in his eyes, and he was in awe at the fact that even though you had no memories you still trusted him.

“Yes, you’re safe now, and I’ll make sure that you stay safe from now on.”

You nodded, and he could see tears welling in your eyes - matching the tears welling in his. There was so much that he wanted to tell you, so much he wanted to ask you, but he knew that those were conversations that would have to wait until after you got your memories back.

The Master heard footsteps behind him, though he didn’t turn to look, he couldn’t turn his eyes away from you. However he could easily tell that The Doctor was stood not far behind him, from the way your eyes were flicking between him and The Doctor.

“What about my memories? Do you know how to get them back?” You asked in a worried tone.

“We don’t know yet, The Master is going to have to enter your mind telepathically and have a look around to figure out what’s going on. If that’s alright with you, of course.” The Doctor explained.

“The Master?” You looked towards The Master with a confused expression, and his hearts felt like they were breaking yet again.

“It’s my title, what everyone else calls me. You call me Koschei though, love.” He explained patiently, hoping that his title wouldn’t give you a bad impression of him when you didn’t know the story behind it anymore.

“Oh, alright. What do you need to do?”

The Master was mildly shocked by your easy acceptance, though it also made him realise that The Doctor was right. Somehow you were still you, even despite the memory loss, and you had always trusted him more than anyone else in the universe.

“I just need you to relax love, I’ll do the rest.”

You nodded at his words and settled back against the pillows behind you. Then The Master reached out his hand to your temple and closed his eyes.

———

Slipping into your mind after so many years was probably the most relaxing thing The Master had done in a long while. He loved the familiarity of it, the way his presence blended into yours so seamlessly.

“Strange.” He heard your voice echoing around him, and opened his eyes.

There you were, your presence glowing the same soft lilac that it always had, complimenting his deep mauve presence.

“Strange, dear?”

“This feels so, natural, so right. Some part of me knows that we’ve done this before, I just can’t remember. It’s like the memories are right there, I can almost see them, they’re just a little too far away.” As you spoke your presence became a little spikier, and a tad more desaturated, reflecting your emotions.

He found himself mirroring you, though his own emotions had more intensity to them. Even while you were right here, while he was in your mind, he found himself missing you. The Doctor had been right, not something he would ever dare to admit to her, but she was right when she’d said that you were still you. You still had your charm, you were still just as curious as you had always been, you were still honest to the point of sometimes being more blunt than most others would like.

Unfortunately, you were also a shell of your former self, the version of you that The Master had fallen in love with all those millennia ago on Gallifrey. It was back in his academy days, he’d gone by Koschei back then and was a few years your senior. He’d seen you around occasionally, and you’d caught his eye sometimes, though he’d never considered giving more than a passing thought to you until one day. Koschei had been in the library alone, hoping to revise without the distractions that his friends would always cause, he’d wandered to the back to find the peace and quiet he craved.

Instead he’d found you, preparing yourself to climb the bookshelf in order to access one of the books higher up. All these years later he couldn’t remember what the book was about, but he could remember seeing you properly for the first time. However it wasn’t purely your looks and general demeanour that had caught his interest, it was the conversation the two of you had after he’d gotten the book down for you. He remembered being mesmerised, amazed to find someone who was so like him and at the same time so different.

The two of you had continued to meet up for years, always in same spot in the library. For some reason he had decided to keep you a secret from his friends, his time with you was just for the two of you. Eventually he’d decided to begin courting you (as was standard on Gallifrey), and his friends had ended up finding out. They were hesitant to accept you at first, especially Theta, Ushas and Magnus, but it had all worked out for a short while.

Everything fell into place from there, his parents had approved of the marriage, though they were disappointed your house didn’t have a higher status, the two of you were able to go through with the ceremony after you’d graduated. The ceremony itself had been a big event that neither of you were fond of, but it was tradition and it had been expected of you. Afterwards you’d had a quieter celebration with the Deca, getting drunk on ginger wine (a gift from Koschei’s parents) and dancing the night away. The two of you loved your first lives together on Gallifrey, both struggling to find a place in the rigid Time Lord society, though always calmed by the solace found in each other. Even when his life started to fall apart, when the Deca was disbanded and when The Doctor left Gallifrey without so much as a goodbye, you were there by his side.

You’d been the one to suggest leaving Gallifrey, taking a TARDIS and going to see the stars together, and he’d agreed wholeheartedly. For a few decades it was just the two of you, travelling the stars and planets together. Then you’d caught up with The Doctor, and you both started to get into more trouble. The Master had been lucky that you never felt the need to change him or the way he acted, and you would often join him in his schemes to spite his friend-turned-enemy.

You’d always been by his side, and he by yours, until you weren’t. The Master remembers the day you were taken in extremely clear detail, he’s played the memory over and over again in his mind, run through every possibility and hated himself for every failure of his.

When he’d burned Gallifrey not too long ago, he did it for you. He hated the Time Lords and the High Council for taking you away from him. Finding out about The Doctor’s origins had certainly fuelled the fire, but his anger and pain from losing you was what truly pushed him towards destruction.

Looking at you now, he was a mess of emotions: delighted that you were reunited; heartbroken that you’d lost your memories; and yet glad that you were still alive. However, he knew that you would be terrified right now, so he pushed those emotions down to deal with them another time. You needed him, and he be damned if he didn’t help you. Looking back at you, he projected a sense of safety.

“I’m going to search your mind now, and try and find your memories. It won’t hurt, but it might feel a little invasive.” He tried to reassure you.

“Okay, I trust you.” You replied, and The Master could tell that was the truth.

Finally, he took a deep breath and submerged himself in your mind.

———

Searching around in someone’s mind is a lot like swimming, that is, if one was swimming through mud. However, over time it gets easier, and over the centuries Koschei had visited your mind a lot. The two of you always had your mental walls down for each other, feeling everything the other felt, it was how you got through so much together. Therefore, Koschei knew exactly where to go to find your memories. He navigated your mind expertly, making sure you were following him at all times.

When he reached his destination he couldn’t hide his shock. It was empty. No doors just a hallway (of sorts) that went on endlessly. Trying not to worry either of you, The Master continued on down the hallways, checking each one but finding no doors leading to your memories. He was starting to lose hope, until he finally started to get to more recent years. The Master shot through the first door he saw without thinking, and you followed.

On the other side the two of you came face to face with your earliest current memory. You were sat on the floor, slouched against one of the stone walls of your hell, just waking up. The Master watched on with a mix of curiosity and pain as you got up and started to explore. He wanted to watch more, but he could see the way your emotions had changed next to him, so he lead you out of there.

Once the door was closed he paused for a moment, letting you collect yourself. Strangely, he saw the wall opposite flicker for a moment, as though a perception filter were placed over it. Physically, that was impossible to do in one’s mind, though you could definitely make the impression of a perception filter. The Master motioned for you to follow before heading straight at the wall. On the other side, he found hope.

Doors he recognised, remembered, a little worse for wear but very much in tact. He knew these doors, they were core memories of the two of you, and they were well protected. Whatever- whoever had done this to you, you’d protected yourself as well as you could.

“What is this? Why are these doors damaged?” You asked.

“Some of your memories of me, of us. Most of the core moments between us, they’re a little damaged but if we find the rest then we can restore them.” He made sure to reassure you, even if he wasn’t 100% sure whether he was telling the truth right now.

You nodded as much as one could when you were a disembodied representation of your consciousness.

Now fuelled by hope, The Master strode out of the hallway. It was a while later (time was rather hard to discern in one’s mind), when the two of you finally had another breakthrough. Turning into another hallway, he’s half expected it to be as empty as the last few, instead he saw two large double doors. They were intricately designed, circular Gallifreyan all over. However the part that truly got his blood boiling was the handles for the door, half moons that formed a circle when the doors were shut, a circle with the Seal of Rassilon stamped right on them. The Master growled, his form becoming a spiky dark red.

“I should have known.” He was almost overwhelmed with disgust and hatred-

“Koschei?”

“Rassilon, one of the founders of Gallifrey. He was the one who arranged for you to be taken, he was the one who told me you were dead, and he seems to have been the one who messed with your memories, my love.” The Master never took his eyes off the doors, almost afraid Rassilon himself would burst out of them and murder you.

“So, my memories, they’re in there?”

“Yes.”

“Can’t we just go in and get them then?”

“I’m afraid it won’t be that easy my love, Rassilon was old and clever, he would have set up traps. It will probably take a while, and we’ll need to do this together. I trust you, and if you had all those memories I’d trust you to do what was needed, but for now I need to trust that you’ll listen to me and follow my lead. I want- I need to keep you alive Y/N, above all else.”

The Master was close to begging at this point, although that wasn’t exactly new for your relationship. There had been many times when he had been happy to beg you for something completely unprompted, you’d never ask him to, but he felt the need to remind you how devoted he was to you every few decades.

“I trust you, and you can trust me. I’ll listen to you, I’ll do what you say. I want my memories back, but mostly all I’ve wanted these past centuries has been you. I’ve just found you, I won’t be stupid and give this up now.” You replied earnestly, and The Master had to resist the urge to embrace you.

“Alright, follow my lead.” He told you, turning back to the doors and walking forwards.

When he reached out a hand to one of the handles he held his breath. You held the other handle, and together you opened the doors. He knew that this was just the beginning of the battle, but he would continue fighting for you past his last breath. As the doors fully opened, a bright red light encased you both, and The Master braced himself - this was going to take a while.

#dhawan!master x reader #dhawan!master x you #the master x reader #dhawan!master #doctor who reader insert

[sometimesoliloquy]

The Handmaid’s Tale 5x06 “Together ” (or, “Warm Milk and Murder”) 👀

I’ll be honest, the first draft of this recap/review just read “NIIIIICK” with a string of heart-eye and water gun emojis. Second draft was “This episode could have been the last 15 minutes”, and I stand by that.

However, that is not what we were given,  so into the  scary kidnap van with June and Luke we go. Luke tries a trick he saw once on Dateline where a girl kicked a car tail light out to escape, and June’s like that’s nice honey, maybe just save your energy. They get their fake No Man’s Land Gilead mugshots taken and June reminds these Gilead(?) goons (and us) that she is a bad ass and is of NOBODY, motherfucker.

Then we’re once again at Serena’s prison the Wheeler’s house, which I swear is reminding me more of the Murder House in the first season of American Horror Story by the minute. Good morning, Serena! Today with your green breakfast smoothie you get a side of creepy surprise gyno house call! Lucky girl, as Aunt Lydia would say. Up the Vertigo staircase they go, to the reveal that the W's have set up a full birthing suite in the attic, which is totally normal and not creepy at all, and the good doctor is very excited to get her up in the stirrups and take it for a test drive.

(Just for me, huh?)

Dr. Egregiously Inappropriate proceeds to casually discuss Serena’s perineum and which essential oils from his MLM she should use to massage it with. Five seconds after being knuckle deep in her cervix, he asks her to dinner, because romance is not dead (generally the dinner part comes first, pal!). He humble brags about the mean cedar plank salmon  “his martha” makes, giving us another small, disturbing glimpse at the wider pseudo-Gilead community outside of the Wheeler’s creepy mansion. Just how wide is it, I have to wonder? This scene also echoed back to the creepy doctor in s1 who called June “sweety” or “honey” and offered to bone her on the doctors table “help her out” (gag). Before he finally got the dinner invitation out I really thought what he was going to ask Serena was if he could be next in line to impregnate her (really I guess the end goal for him is the same, though).

I’m going to have a hard time ever getting that image out of my head, but at least it gives us Serena delivering the line “I’m not going to date my gynecologist”, which is the most reasonable thing that’s ever come out of this woman’s mouth in her life and that’s a fact. Unfortunately, Mrs. W does not agree, Serena simply cannot be a slutty single mother and she is grounded until she finds herself a nice respectable husband baby daddy like Dr. McCreepy. GO TO YOUR ROOM, young lady. The irony probably lost on her (or maybe just once again overshadowed by self-pity), Serena sadly slinks off  to her cell bedroom to cry under the looming crucifix, probably not thinking at all about how she absolutely reveled in doing the exact same thing to June (and I’m sure June’s predecessor). I am a little confused by Mrs. W’s strategy here because I thought handmaids couldn’t be married, but I digress.

Meanwhile, Aunt Lydia is extremely disappointed to hear that poor Esther’s UTERUS HARVESTING (fucking excuse me?) has been canceled. It’s very upsetting because she was just sure Esther’s been looking forward to this all week! But it seems that said uterus has already been “filled with his divine light” which is confusing to Lydia because Esther’s not yet been posted, and confusing to me because “divine” and “light” are the furthest words I would use to describe anything coming out of Warren Putnam. After she’s done victim blaming the 15 year old rape victim (but what was she wearing?) she declares it is JUST AWFUL that Warren raped Esther in that way, because if there’s one thing Lydia knows it’s that there is a proper time and a place for rape and that was NOT IT. It’s truly egregious that he did not wait the one day’s time to legally rape her at the right time, because this is definitely the problem here. Esther understandably freaks the fuck out at Lydia and continues to writhe and scream in pure despair, and my poor darling damaged murder-child, if they keep doing horrible things to you or kill you off, I swear I will riot on their front porch while they are trying to watch the latest episode of HoD.

Aunt Lydia rushes to deliver the news to Commander Lawrence, who has the nerve to not be outraged, and engages in his current favorite pastime: dropping truth bombs of the hypocrisy of the Gileadean system she’s enforced and facilitated all these years. He has a point but she’s not quite ready to hear it (it’s gonna be a long road, I think) and she storms off in a cloud of righteous indignation, leaving JLaw “TO IT.” Despite being unmoved by Lydia’s morality play, we can see the wheels turning in that mysterious noggin, and he apparently decides it’s time to invite his good buddy Warren over for drinks to congratulate his raping of a child pending fatherhood.

Back in fake NML Gilead, Luke and June have been locked in (according to June, quite spacious, actually) cages and Luke will not shut the fuck up about how fucking CRAZY this shit is, and I’m not sure what kind of amusement park he thought Gilead actually was but finally June says what we’ve all been thinking for the last 5 minutes and tells him to please shut the fuck up (KEEP YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER, LUKE). He laments not being able to “be that guy” to swoop in on a white horse and save her or something, and wishing that he had been there with her (no, you don’t, trust me!), still somehow not getting it that she doesn’t need a man to save her but ok. I have to assume that he’s thinking of Nick (and Serena’s words) here. The thing is, for all her ill intentions, Serena’s phrasing was actually quite accurate: June had “Nick’s support”, not Nick to save her.  I do think actually that Luke was trying to convey a similar sentiment, but it’s so interesting and telling to me that his wording seems to consistently center his feelings around himself, and around an idea of protective ownership that screams of benevolent sexism. Anyway, they say some more sentimental stuff that I don’t quite buy and flirt to pass the time. The goons come back and of course as soon as June tells Luke what not to do, he immediately does it. He tries to break free and run away (um, where?), and immediately they viciously beat him (the “he’s not resisting!!”, was rough to watch… damn, constant parallels to awful events in irl America).

Later that evening in real Gilead, Lawrence, Nick and Putnam cozily clink glasses by the crackling fire, and Putman talks about how much he loves raping women and children the perks of his job. In fact, he wasn’t even thinking about conceiving a child and the subsequent benefit to his career, he did this purely for the joy of raping his work, that is how dedicated he is. He (thinks he) gets a dig in at JLaw, wondering what’s the point of even being a commander if you’re not going to rape anyone take advantage of the perks?  Nick is once again having a real hard time controlling his face, but he manages to get out some Gilead double speak, and JLaw does some very pointed double speak, as Warren continues to fail miserably at reading the room.

The next day, in Canadian wanna-be Gilead, Mr. Wheeler summons Serena to his study.  She thinks it’s about her quarrel with Mrs. W, but LOL woman, he has not the time for silly female squabbles. He tells her his men have captured June, and  he’s going to have Ezra execute her in NML since Gilead keeps fumbling the ball. Serena looks... concerned? upset? I don’t know, their relationship is weird. But she also sees here an opportunity: the enemy  of my enemy is my friend as they say (or at least she can be for a hot second until they go back to enemies again, I guess). She begs Mr. W to let her tag  along, saying that she wants to watch June be killed with her own eyes. Mr. W is super turned on moved by this and just like that goes from “absolutely not” to “yeah ok”.  She can’t get the fuck out of that house fast enough as Mrs. W trails  nervously, looking a little suspicious. From the looks of it she starts having contractions in the backseat so let’s hope Ezra is a fast driver...

June and Luke have been laying on their cage floors for god knows how long at this point. Luke is pretty fucked up, and June blames herself. She apologizes to Luke for not stopping him from coming (”You didn’t know how bad it could be. I did.”) but he insists it was his choice. He wants to be able to at least say goodbye this time, and June, sensing that he is giving up hope, gives him a pep talk that includes a pretty good impression of Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans (Stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far. ! I WILL FIND YOU.) It didn’t quite ring true to me, but seems to work with Luke, bolstering his will. Then the goons are back and dragging them off in separate directions, onto separate vehicles. June yells frantically after him and despairingly mouths “I’m sorry”, still feeling responsible.

Naomi and Warren are just trying to have a nice brunch at the country club when a bunch of guardians roll up before they can even finish their eggs benny and bottomless mimosas (RUDE). An alarmed Naomi prances down the stairs after her wayward husband as he is dragged and deposited quite satisfyingly at the dress-shoed feet of our two favorite commanders. Nick recites Warren’s crimes in a way that makes “apostasy” sound like something I very much want to do, and then it’s Lawrence’s turn to quote some apt scripture to silence Warren’s self-righteous whining. Not to be outdone by his late buddy Fred, WP gets his “but I’m going to be a FATHER!” moment, but somehow Nick is not moved and proceeds to blow his despicable brains out. Crows caw in the distance (at least that’s what my subtitles are telling me, I can’t really hear over my own cheering).

(Pls send help.)

Back at the Blaine household, however, Mrs. Blaine is not so impressed. Apparently she is cool with her husband facilitating the death of rapist commanders as long as he specifically is not the one to do the dirty work (what, he changed his shirt at least!). I get that her religious beliefs probably include “thou shalt not kill” and that it would be startling (especially for a seemingly gentle soul like Rose) to hear that your husband just shot an acquaintance point blank in the head, but in this case I can’t help feeling like it’s something akin to being horrified at the sight of someone snapping a chicken’s neck, and then going home to enjoy some nice breaded tenders. She worries about “the kind of person it makes him” and Nick implies he’s doing it for their CHILD, casually giving Rose’s pregnancy reveal(??) and looking just overjoyed to be a father to be, as we pan out on the truly uncomfortable silence of two people sitting as far away from each other on a couch as physically possible. Sorry Nick, darling, you truly deserve a hero’s welcome. June would have got it (and so do I, call me).

A bit later that day, Aunt Lydia takes the girls on a fun field trip to the wall where Warren’s body has now been strung up on display. She tells them this was justice and then shoos them home for a nice cup of warm milk before bed. She’s been wielding the wall as a warning to “her girls” for years, of course, but we see a slight shift in tactic as the new woke, softer, kinder slightly remorseful Aunt Lydia now uses it also as a vow of reassurance, that she will protect them from abuse from corrupt commanders (as long as they behave), and of course make sure they only get raped at the proper time and place. Janine lingers staring at the limp body of her abuser and says “I wish I could have watched” (me too, girl, me too).

June is on the school bus to hell Gilead with a bunch of other poor souls, and (praise be!) the inner monologue is back, as June reflects on meeting her imminent end, and the unexpected twists and turns of life. The bus stops and Ezra shows up to call her out of class and go to the principal’s office. BOOM, here is your twist, June, the principal is Serena (of course, eyeroll). And she is pissed. But she also has a plan. With the magical powers Serena apparently possesses over anyone with a penis, she convinces Ezra to let her be the one to shoot June and he gives her the gun (not sure why would he think she even has any idea how to use it?) and unties June, also at his queen mistress’s demand, so she can pray. June is like FINE, BITCH, but then sincerely prays for her daughters, for their children: “may they do better than we did.” Serena was either duly moved, or this was her plan all along and she just wanted to make June sweat a little first (which I suspect), because she shoots Ezra instead and orders June to get in the car and DRIVE, bitch, before she has this goddamn baby right here on this dusty ass road. June’s like Jesus WTF is happening, oh hell I guess we’re doing this now, and off they race into the sunset, Thelma and Louise style. For a second I thought June would do an ode to Emily and run over Ezra on the way out, but no, they leave him merely winded thanks to his bullet proof vest, and surely about to give chase/run back to his boss with the bad news.

...

So. “Together”. Obviously Serena and June are together at the end of the episode (and about to get into some birthing hijinks from the look of it). Nick and Lawrence are continuing to work together to methodically dispatch Gilead’s corrupt and further Lawrence’s agenda (whatever that is). I suppose Aunt Lydia and Lawrence are also working together, albeit in a very dysfunctional (and very frustrating for Lydia) way. Aunt Lydia and Janine, it seems, will work together to protect handmaids (from unsanctioned abuse, at least). And then we have June/Luke and Nick/Rose.

Nick and June’s marriages parallel each other in an interesting way this episode. The two couples are physically “together” (well ok, maybe not Luke and June at the end), but in their  trajectory and mindset, miles apart.  Neither Luke nor Rose fully understand the brutality of Gilead, both having I think been spared/sheltered from the worst of it, and because of that, Nick and June each now find themselves very much alone.

Nick retreats to his stoic mask and inner shell in the wake of Rose’s disapproval, but the sense of loneliness and longing for understanding in this moment is palpable. He already doesn’t think of himself as a “good person” and this seems to be a reminder of how little his wife really knows him. Despite his underlying shame and feelings of unworthiness though, he is actively trying to set some things right, and as much as he would never admit it, it must hurt to be so misunderstood here.

On her end, June finds herself for the majority of the episode alternately instructing, reassuring, apologizing and worrying about Luke, who is experiencing his first small taste of Gilead’s inhumanity and is woefully unprepared for it. She knows she has to stay strong for him, and she must feel alone in this and in feeling the responsibility for their safety and survival, for Luke’s safety and survival, squarely on her shoulders.

Nick and June are both without the person who would understand in each of their respective situations, and would actually be able to provide comfort and support: each other. In contrast to their married spouses, they are physically apart, but mentally and spiritually on the same page. They’ve been through war together, they know the brutality of the enemy, and they’re willing and able to wield brutality back against it, whatever “kind of people” that makes them, because they know it’s the only way that works here.

So hopefully, we can stop playing games, get these two together, and get this revolution going, ASAP. May the lord open.

#the handmaid's tale #the handmaids tale season 5 #june osborne #nick blaine #osblaine #together #recap

[madam-wakefield]

Butternut Squash Soup

A little sickfic written for the @berenaadvent day 17 prompt “cold”.

This can easily fit into the “Open when…” series as a something that happened in their lives before Bernie deployed. It shares a few similarities to some of the things in Serena’s Open when you feel ill… envelope contains! You don’t need to have read that for this is to make sense though.

Read on A03

Serena HATES being ill, okay she knows everyone hates being ill, but she absolutely loathes it. It’s actually for totally unselfish reasons in a way, it has nothing to do with the fact that she struggles to talk with a raspy voice, or that she sneezes and blows her nose so often that she has to walk around with a tiny tin of Vaseline in her pocket. It isn’t even about the migraine she usually gets that even painkillers and a full two litres of water don’t get rid of. No, it’s about all the things she can’t do and all the people she can’t look after when she’s ill.

First there is Jason who gets so angsty if his routine isn’t followed, if the right meal isn’t served up at the right time on the right day, because fish and chip night can only ever be a Thursday, “the chippy is far too busy on a Friday, Auntie Serena, and they just don’t prepare everything to the same standard.”

Second is her ward, the one she’s in charge of. With junior doctors and F1s and F2s who rely on her calmness to help them, to guide the, to make them better doctors. To show them the ropes, to talk them through a new procedure or operation and to just be that firm solid figure at the end of a day when everything seems to have gone so wrong no matter what they’ve done. Shes had years of days like that, they aren’t any easier than they were, but she knows how to cope with them now in a way the younger doctors don’t yet but will learn to.

Lastly, it’s her patients. The thing about AAU is that as much as the trauma bay will often pull her into surgery unexpectedly, there is also a number of patients who have scheduled operations, operations that she is needed to perform.

So, when she wakes up at 5am in the morning three weeks before Christmas, shivering despite the warmth of their bedroom only to be overtaken by a fit of sneezes she curses, she can’t afford to be ill not now.

“Rena…” comes the sleepy voice from the other side of the bed as the covers shift and Bernie slowly sits up, her hair sleep mused and messy.

“Go back to sleep darling, it’s your day off,” Serena says gently because Bernie has worked for the past five days straight and deserves to sleep in, she’d been home three house late last night due to a multi car pileup on the motorway that had pulled her into surgery just minutes before handover. It sounds genuine enough, but she knows there is no way Bernie will listen when as she finishes speaking her body is racked with a sudden coughing fit, so classic for her if she managed to catch a winter cold.

“I’m awake now sweetheart, you know I would have probably woken you up to make you coffee before your shift anyway. As I happens you aren’t going anywhere today, but I am going to go downstairs and make you a lemsip.” I’ll be back in a second. Bernie leans down and presses a kiss to the top of her head, and she snuggles into it, loving how openly affectionate Bernie is when they are alone. She can only stare unashamedly as Bernie climbs out of bed and walks, naked, to the door where she grabs her dressing gown and wraps it around herself before quietly leaving the bedroom, knowing only too well not to wake Jason.

Serena uses the time to use the en-suite, almost grabs for a packet of paracetamol before she remembers not to because she’ll get all she’s allowed from the lemsip Bernie is making her. Instead grabs the Vicks vapour rub and the little tin of Vaseline that she’ll need and places them on her bedside table before herself grabbing her dressing gown off the back of the door, putting it on before sliding back under the covers back propped against the headboard. Just as she’s settled Bernie comes back in the room, using her back to push against the door, arms carrying a tray laden with cups and a light breakfast.

She places the tray on Serena’s own bedside table and hands her the lemsip, smell unmistakable even if it is slightly lessened by her awful, blocked nose. Placing a kiss on top of her head before pulling away. Grabbing her own cup of coffee and sliding back into bed next to Serena and placing her arm gently around her. Serena snuggles in close, feels cold whereas Bernie always seems to feel warm.

“I rang Hanssen and told him you wouldn’t be in work today.” Bernie reassures her, but Serena is quick to argue.

“I’m fine to work,” she protests before her body betrays her. Bernie takes her cup just in time as she starts to sneeze again, just manages to stop her sloshing the liquid all over the bed.

“And how exactly do you think you are going to do surgery when you have a sneezing or coughing fit multiple times every hour?” Bernie asks gently, no malice at all in her voice, only concern.

“I, I don’t know, but Miss Williams is scheduled for surgery today, and you know as well as I do that if she doesn’t get that surgery today, she may not make it home for Christmas.” And Bernie knows Serena will try and put everyone before herself, hates letting her patients or her Holby family down.

“Which is why I’ve already told Hanssen I’ll go in and perform the surgery, it’s not something I’ve done as much as you, but it is a procedure I’m familiar with. I’ve also told him I’ll be on call for the day if he needs it.” Bernie says now handing Serena drink back to her.

Serena takes another sip, of the still very hot liquid before replying. “But today is meant to be your day off, you’ve worked far too much overtime the past few days anyway, you need a rest too.” Serena says worry lacing her raspy voice. Hates that Bernie is having to do this because of her.

“Sweetheart, please stop that trail of thought,” Bernie says giving her one of her no nonsense looks that she images had men quivering when she was in the army. “I’m not doing it because I have to, I’m doing it because I care about you and want you to rest and get better, and besides I’ve got three more days off after today. Please just let me do this so you can get yourself better.”

Serena relents and thirty minutes later Bernie is once again kissing her atop of the head as she says goodbye. As Serena herself snuggles into the hot water bottle Bernie has made her, safe in the knowledge that apart from to use the bathroom she doesn’t have to leave the bed, Bernie has placed everything she might need on her bedside table.

Serena falls asleep quickly once Bernie is gone, she still feels guilty about the fact she’s gone but the biological need for sleep to help her get better wins.

When she wakes a fair few hours later the house smells unmistakably like Bernie’s cooking. She glances at the alarm clock only to realise it’s been over five hours since Bernie left the house and that she’s performed Miss Williams’ surgery and already returned home.

Serena lies there content for a few minutes before a coughing fit pulls at her lungs, has her sitting up and reaching for the bottle of water that Bernie had placed on her bedside table that morning.

It’s as if Bernie has some sort of innate sense because not two minutes later, she once again pushes into the room arms carrying a tray, only this time she’s still dressed in the shirt and trousers she’d put on to go to work that morning and they tray is instead laden with two large bowls. Serena knows without asking that it’s Bernie’s butternut squash soup. She watches as Bernie places the tray on her own bedside table this time, Serena’s still too full of everything else and leans over to kiss the top of her head before she sits on the bed before handing her a steaming bowl of golden yellow soup.

“Thank you,” Serena says genuinely grateful for her girlfriend who always goes above and beyond to look after her when she’s poorly, whose soup is like some sort of magic that always make her feel so much better.

“You’re welcome, I know how much you like this when you are poorly. Know it’s about the only thing you can stomach, and thanks to that soup maker you brought me last Christmas is doesn’t take me long at all to make a batch. And before you ask the surgery went well, Miss Williams is most definitely on track to be home for Christmas.” Bernie says smiling at Serena gently.

“I love you,” is the only reply that feels right for Serena, because it’s the only words that she feels show Bernie how grateful she is for her.

“I love you too,” Bernie says back, bending down to kiss the top of her head once again, something she always loves Bernie doing when she’s feeling rubbish. “Now eat up before it goes cold, it’ll make you feel better, you and I both know it. Then maybe we can cuddle together and watch a movie.” And that’s exactly what they spend the rest of the day doing and Serena is definitely grateful that by so miracle the red phone must stay silent as Bernie isn’t pulled back into work and instead gets to stay snuggled in bed with her. Serena still HATES being ill, but she can’t help but be thankful that she has someone to look after her and truly her make her feel better.

#berena advent 2023 #Berena Advent Cold #Madam Wakefield Writes #Berena Fanfic #Berena #Bernie Wolfe #Serena Campbell #holby city #holby #buckle fandom

[nachtwaechterin]

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SETTLE ON ONE? so i guess that means fave moments compilation!!!

Bitten by the Lonely (But I'm Not The Only), Chapter 1:

Dust particles flaked from Peter’s body and got picked up by the wind until they mixed of those from Star-Lord and Mantis and Drax and Doctor Strange. Tony leaned his forehead into Peter’s chest, holding his hands tight, but it wasn’t enough to keep them from dissolving from under his touch. No. No. Nonononononono. Not him, not Peter. They’ve only just started getting close, he couldn’t just lose him like this. Not now, not after everything they’ve gone through together. Just two years ago, Spider-Man was just a faceless smudge on a screen, a maybe. A maybe he’ll be of use one day, a maybe I’ll recruit him, a maybe I’ll even give him an internship. He hadn’t even seen his face back then, hadn’t known just how damn young he was. Hadn’t known the trouble his puppy eyes would get Tony into, how he’d turn his world upside down and color it brighter than it’s ever been. Only now that he was turning to dust, Tony realized just how much of a son Peter was for him. And now? Now he was gone, and he didn’t even know how much he meant to Tony because he was too emotionally stunted to notice, let alone tell him.

Same chapter:

“Peter?” The boy’s head snapped up, and he stared at Mr. Stark with wide eyes. Mr. Stark, whose expression was full of wonder. “Mr. Stark?” Peter asked back, and his voice broke, quiet and hoarse, as though he hadn’t used it in days. Something fond, something soft and squishy with relief entered Mr. Stark’s eyes. “Bambino,” he whispered almost reverently, and they could only stare each other, drinking each other in, eyes alight with awe that the other was alright, alive.

This entire scene from (When You're Ready) Come and Get It, Chapter 2:

Harley’s gaze flicked away then, and they leaned away from Peter as they picked up the remote and turned on the TV. “What movie are we fancyin’ tonight?” Peter blinked at the choice of words and immediately latched onto it to distract himself from the weirdness of it all. “Fancying?” he snorted, incredulous. “What, did you eat a dictionary as an appetizer?” Harley looked back at him with raised eyebrows, watching him for a few seconds, and fuck, was that too much? He didn’t even know it, whether it would take that as an insult— But then a crooked grin appeared on faer face, revealing a dimple in faer cheek. “What if I did, huh?” [...]

Desperate Situations Call For Desperate Measures snippets under the cut bc i havent posted them yet

Chapter 4:

The seconds after the knock probably were the longest in Harley’s life. She debated turning around about a hundred times, but then she could hear footsteps and the door opened to reveal Penny. Penny, who still looked incredibly beautiful despite the redness in her face from crying, despite the tears in her eyes and her mussed up hair. But after a moment, her face lit up as though the sun had just risen after a long, dark night, and a snort escaped her. “What happened to you?” Harley grasped Penny’s hands, holding them in between them. “You’re in love with me.” Penny’s expression flickered from genuine surprise to embarrassment to confusion. “What?” “You’re in love with me,” Harley repeated, and then the confusion shifted to horror. Penny pulled her hands out of Harley’s grasp and stepped back to slam the door shut, but she must have noticed the foot Harley put in the door in the last moment because she slowed the door enough that Harley’s food would probably only retain a couple of bruises. She winced at the impact, but that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was only that Penny’s reaction told her that she was right.

Chapter 5 (the alternate ending):

“No, it’s not,” Harley protested and pushed her away. “I shouldn’t have offered to be your fake girlfriend, that was wrong and just completely unfair of me, and I should have told you that I couldn’t do it, but then you already told MJ and I couldn’t tell you that I wanted to stop without telling you that I like you—” “Harley,” Penny interrupted gently and stepped closer, but Harley took another step back. “—and then you would hate me, so I just couldn’t tell you and I took advantage of you and I’m so sorry, and now you’re gonna hate me and—” “Princess,” Penny insisted and stepped closer yet again, placing her hands on Harley’s shoulders. “I don’t hate you, I promise.” Harley’s lower lip was trembling as she looked at Penny with teary eyes. “You don’t?” Penny shook her head with a soft smile. “I don’t.” She licked her lip nervously. “Quite the opposite actually.”

#nachtwächterin talks #ask game

[unicornachos]

personal post!

hey hi I’m alive sorry for abandoning my blog for like 1.5 yrs??? I had a bunch of health issues and mental health stuff too :’) 

Like very full on... god what HASN’T happened. 

My body had a weird reaction to the covid vaccines in 2021? I ended up in hospital etc and was sick with mystery fatigue and shit for months and months.... I think I went to hospital like 4-5 throughout 2021? My body seems fine with the MRNA boosters I’ve gotten so maybe something in my body just hated the astrazeneca vaccine?? I’m kinda bitter about it bc of the ambulance bills I had to pay, but still, thank god for vaccines amirite

then, the apartment I was living in and loved got bought by someone who then wanted to move in, so I had to leave the place I loved living to somewhere still nice but way more expenno, and my health issues kinda continued?

then I started a new job

then my mental health got REALLY bad over the 2021/2022 christmas period to the point where I had to call an ambulance for myself bc my mind was in such a bad place. 

Then I started taking SSRI’s for depression/anxiety, but I had this weird reaction to the drugs and we think I had serotonin syndrome because of its interaction with the asthma meds I’ve been taking all my life? But at the time no doctors would listen to me and basically gaslit me into thinking all the pain was just a physical manifestation of my anxiety. Anyway, it caused some of the most horrific pain i’ve ever experienced in my life, in particular nerve and muscle pain in my legs, and I had to shower sitting down for weeks, couldn’t walk much around the house, and needed super strong meds to knock me out so I could sleep. 

I slowly healed and could walk again and do normal stuff for me around... late April?

While I was recovering I stayed with my mum but still paying rent in Sydney bc all my shit was there, so in June I killed my lease, put most of my shit into storage with a friend’s parent’s mini warehouse they use for their business (absolute legends and wholesome humans and I sent them money every month lol) and moved back home.

I started studying a certificate level course I’d been wanting to get over and done with for ages, so at the end of June I started studying.

Then once again mental health got bad, I tried SSRIs again, thinking it was me who was the problem last time I took them. BUT ACTUALLY, NO. Same physical reaction to the meds as last time, if not worse. It wasn’t my brain making shit up, it was an actual fucking drug interaction issue that ppl had tried to tell me was my anxiety and/or imagination!!! Queue horrific pain, weird symptoms, and once again the inability to walk or clean or work from anywhere but the couch.

Dr and I decided any meds that effect my serotonin levels are a no-go probably forever, and so I’ve been looking into CBD oil over the past few months to see if that will work for things instead.

Now I’m about... 2 months from that reaction, and started CBD oil 2 weeks ago (no reaction, side effects, or really anything yet) and can work at my desk as long as I have a big ass XL foot rest under my legs to keep them propped up, because I get nerve pain if I sit normally :’) I still can’t really go anywhere or walk anywhere other than around the house and for super short periods of time.

Also I powered through and finished my course just last week, so that’s out of the way at least! 

Other than that, I’ve just been like. Sleeping, reading, watching shows, napping, sleeping more, trying to eat well.... my job is a bitch but I’m trying rly hard to skill up so I can do more of what I’m interested in! I kind of don’t have energy for much else at the moment??

I have no idea if I’ll post again as regularly as I did a few years back, but I love Tumblr and I always feel glad coming back here and spending time in this place for a bit. These days I mainly only post stuff on my locked private twitter lol. But I have always preferred Tumblr’s longer format and vibes hehe.

ANyway that’s all for now! I hope anyone reading this has been doing ok. These past few years have been fucking tough and if all you have energy for is working and sleeping... you’re valid, dude. 

And if you plan to take SSRIs for your mental health, just be wary of serotonin syndrome!!!! Not enough ppl talk about it and a lot of doctors seem to have no idea it exists or also know little about it, but there are lots of cases of it in settings where ppl have been taking other meds and been given SSRIs! I’m not saying don’t take meds if you need them, but just reaaaallllyyy do your research first if you can about adverse reactions and interactions :’)

[notes-of-scorpio]

with love

I saw my Grandma for the last time on Sunday morning. The 26th of March to be precise. 

She is 93 year old. I am yet to hear once she has passed, but it will be soon. Probably in the next couple of days or so. 

I said my goodbyes to her in the rest home. She looked cozy underneath all those layers of wool. Blankets I recognised easily from my childhood, come out of storage to provide warmth again to her dying form. 

I hope she is comfortable. The doctors assured us that the drugs they are administering into her will allow her to pass as if she is falling asleep. I hope she is warm. I hope she feels better. I hope she falls into rest peacefully.

A few tears escaped by accident. I thought I was ready. I was. But I must have had some extra things to process before she was gone for good. 

Crazy how with just a little touch and a circumstance can cause such old memorise to resurface at lightning speed. It was time for us to go; my sisters, my mum and dad, me. I caressed her thin grey strands and her forehead with the back of my hand. I rubbed and soothed her tired arms, ever so delicately. I didn’t hold her hand even when Dad told me to. She looked too comfortable and her hands were curled together under the blankets. I made a note not to disturb them. 

Suddenly I was transported back to the house up the hill in Redwood Avenue. Grandma and I always had a special bond. We liked the same things. The colour blue, our favourite, although trivial and meaningless. It meant a lot to me. We both had a thing for sweets, but lemon curd was our weakness, and lucky for us Grandma always had a full little jar of it in the fridge whenever we came to visit! We’d eat it by the spoon straight out of the container. She had the best (authentic) recipes for shortbread, and unsurprisingly, lemon cake. Grandma was a keen cook too and never failed to produce a good and proper roast. I remember the smell of their old house where we would spend Christmas as a family. They had a brilliant large old fashioned Grandfather clock which took pride of place in the living room. It’s been there since my sisters and I were tiny tots. Most likely before we could crawl. We spent hours in that house playing Ludo and Old Maid. Grandma always hated Old Maid because she would lose the most out of us all. But even when she lost, she’d bubble with laughter, and it was so epically contagious that we’d all double over in fits of giggles. Me and my sisters LOVE to laugh. I think we got that from our lovely Grandma who was never afraid to laugh at herself every once in a while. 

I felt calm in the rest home. The tears were falling but I was content. I knew she lived a full life and all the way Grandad was with her too. He’s doing very well currently, but I understand he must be struggling right now. We are all effectively playing the waiting game at this point. But just like Grandma, Grandad is strong and still smiling with our company. 

We left Grandma’s room and took Grandad with us for coffee at the rest home cafe. He is doing the best he can and so are the rest of us. We are well, and thankfully, we all know what to expect and I suppose that is all we can ask for when things like this arise. The saying ‘all good things must come to an end’ has been attached to my thoughts since. I’m taking it as a positive, for you can’t fully appreciate something until it is well and truly gone. 

We said we would be back to see Grandad again soon and made our way back to the car. All of us sat there for a bit listening to the radio. The song ‘You’ve Got A Friend’ by Carole King was playing. Mum started singing along. So did I. 

Keep your head together

And call my name out loud,

Soon, you’ll hear me knocking at your door

You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I’ll come running, running

To see you again

I wanted to write this because I have been preparing for her passing for a while now. Her name is Doreen, and she has had a long, beautiful and fulfilling life. I am grateful I got to spend so much time with her and cherish every single memory we have together. 

#grandma #memories #love #family #writing #ramblings #diary #you've got a friend #carole king #eulogy #emotions #personal #thoughtful #sharing #tribute #loss

[shig-a-shig-ah]

so um… ghul… I need advice (if you can give it)?

So you’re a college professor right? Well, for a while now I’ve really been thinking about going back to school (I’m 25, by the way) because I’d also like to become a college professor, ideally in creative writing/something in the writing field.

So I was wondering if there was any advice/warnings/general information you might be able to share that you think would be useful.

You don’t need to spend too much time answering. I don’t want to inconvenience you. But I could just really use any words of wisdom since this is something I really really want but am scared I’ll be blindsided by something (I did a little college back when I was 18 but ended up having to leave due to personal reasons, so I have some experience on what to expect, but not a ton).

Anyway, hope you’re having a good night.

Hi! Always happy to give advice and warnings about the dumpster fire that is academia, so I definitely don't mind the question or feel inconvenienced. I should clarify though that I'm a PhD candidate, not an actual professor--so basically, I'm a very advanced graduate student who teaches instead of taking classes. But, being a professor is the goal and I'm pretty well versed in the ups and downs of pursuing an academic job.

And I have warnings. So many warnings!

The first thing to consider is just the amount of time it takes to become a professor. While you can get some jobs with only a Master's degree, they're few and far between, and especially precarious. For anything secure, you basically have to have a PhD. That means 4-5 years of undergrad, assuming you're starting basically from scratch, and then at least another five years for the doctoral degree. Keep in my mind that most people take longer than that to finish a PhD, too--I'm in my eighth year of grad school (sixth year in my actual program because I did a master's beforehand), and the average time to degree for my department is seven years. I know people who took ten. I may take ten!

Second, the academic job market is terrible. In many, many ways. There are basically two options--tenure track and adjunct. Tenure track pays better, comes with stability, and is probably what most people think of when they think of being a professor. Adjunct positions are short-term teaching contracts that only last for a semester, and often pay worse. (Imagine cobbling together a full-time job by teaching multiple classes a couple universities to make $30k a year with few benefits, if you're lucky).

Tenure track jobs have more stability, benefits, etc., but are also really fucking competitive. It's not unusual to have hundreds of applicants for one position, and even then it likely still won't pay as much as most other jobs requiring that level of education. On top of that, you generally have to also hustle to public papers, present at conferences, etc., just to be competitive for these jobs. And, as a bonus, it's almost guaranteed that you'll have to relocate to find a position, so you could easily find yourself moving to Arkansas to make $45k a year after a decade of schooling. Things are especially competitive and underpaid in the humanities, like writing-related fields, too.

Now, it's not like it could hurt to pursue it as an option, but going back to undergrad just for that being the goal is maybe not the best idea; it's definitely better to go in with a few possible paths in mind. Because it's a big time commitment for very little guaranteed payoff, and that's without even considering that just getting through grad school is fucking hard, and pretty much guaranteed to leave you with a lot of debt unless you have a partner to financially support you. And there are things that are great about it--you get a lot of autonomy, and I really love teaching so I have a great time--but I also pretty much agree with the advice I was given before starting, which was: if you can picture yourself doing anything else, do that instead.

#this is so long and there is still so much i did not say lmao #like: the institutional context often sucks! #if you're not cishet white neurotypical you are very likely going to have a bad time in grad school! #higher ed funding keeps getting slashed and wages are especially stagnant #anyway feel free to DM me #or send follow up questions #i know i make it sound bleak and it is but also #every time i see my friends with their real jobs all i can think is 'ew' #ghuleh.answers