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sapphixxx · 3 years

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Just finished Lain. Watched the last episode twice, which gently removed my heart from my chest and pulped it into a fine paste in a mortar and pestle. This hit much closer to home than I expected.

In my Lain epistemology post I somewhat flippantly made an aside that the series was only tangentially about Lain the actual character. By which I meant that my read on the series up until that point (around episode 8 or 9) was that each episode was teasing apart different aspects of the ambiguity of truth, knowledge, information, and communication, with the events of Lain's life being almost just a sort of example case study for how these concepts can impact someone on an individual level. Lain was framed in a kind of zoomed out way as an abstract avatar moving through these events without a whole lot of expression of her personal thoughts and feelings.

And then we get to the last three episodes.

It's in this space that Lain the 8th grade age girl with thoughts and feelings and wants and needs and fears comes into painfully sharp focus. The beginning of the final episode sums up and contextualizes what all of this has always been about.

Who am I? What is the real me? How can I tell what's real about me if everyone interprets it differently?

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

The flippant bravado that I expressed in that post is the same attitude that Lain has been applying to her own very sense of self throughout the series, as just another arbitrary and moldable piece of information subject to interpretation with no inherent truth.

She effectively commits suicide by removing herself from sight, mind, and memory, of everyone around her. After all, if they have no knowledge of her, then she no longer exists. But what is lurking in the subtext of this finale is that she fails to consider that everyone she is cutting off is equally subject to this process. She imagines that without her meddling they are able to be happy. But that's all it is, imagination.

She doesn't exist to them anymore because she erased their knowledge of her, but it goes both ways. In doing this, they cease to exist to her, too. The image of the happy lives of the people she knew don't come from real observation or fact. It is something that she is imposing upon her memory or imagination of those people, which is only possible because she's removed herself from the possibility of being reminded just how complex and occasionally painful their lives will be with her or without her. In those scenes nobody misses her except in these brief fleeting moments where they remember some fond association with her, before moving on to their happy lives.

But this isn't reality. She isn't seeing these people. This is how she comforts herself, by imagining that everything is for the best without her, and nobody has to feel the pain of missing her. But that's not something she can know or control. The pain they feel upon losing her doesn't exist only because she has removed herself from where she might see it and have to acknowledge it.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

This phrase is taken to its literal extreme in the finale. But I think it's important to take a step back and really think about what this means on a more human level, especially when it comes to the kinds of struggles that everyone, especially kids that age, are dealing with.

That is to say, even if you literally physically exist and go about the world talking to people going to school eating dinner and so on, if there are parts of you that people don't know about, if there are things inside you that you can't express, you quickly come to the painful realization that to other people, that stuff just doesn't exist. Which means that whole side of you doesn't exist, according to the outside world. And if that side of you encompasses something important about your identity or your experiences, it's hard to not come to the conclusion that the real you, the entirety of your being, doesn't exist to them either. And when you try to tell them about it, or when they notice on their own, but they don't understand or perhaps outright reject it, hasn't some fundamental part of your humanity been erased? In this kind of environment it's easy to start doubting that any of it exists at all. After all, if nobody else will recognize it, you've only got your own word to go on. And that isn't always enough to trust.

And again, keep in mind that this goes both ways. I think Lain's sister is the clearest example which is given by the series. One episode she begins as a character, someone who has thoughts and a personality and so on. By the end of the episode she is reduced to the state that she will stay in for the rest of the series, blank-eyed and senseless. That fully fledged self she had still exists though. Lain just stops being able to see it, so effectively her sister stops existing for her.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

When you are isolated you can say anything about yourself. You can say you're nobody, or you're God, or perhaps something even wiser and greater than God. It can feel powerful to start writing your own existence and rationalizing your own isolation, the perceptions of others be damned. You can say well, my parents don't understand me and I stopped being able to connect to my sister, but who cares! Family is just arbitrary biology anyway! What if they aren't even my family at all, and are just plants put in place by a secret organization. I'm not lonely, I'm just seeking a greater truth, a conspiracy that only I can see! I don't make social mistakes, I'm not afraid of hurting anyone, that's the fake me running around out there! But it's not sustainable. Eventually life comes crashing down, whether it be in the form of interference in the material world, or if that mental state with all of its attendant self-spun narratives just finally collapses.

As with most things in this series, Lain's interactions with "God" are written in a very abstract symbolic way. But, the pattern that it follows seems very familiar to me as one of a predatory adult grooming a vulnerable minor. He alternates between gassing Lane up as the most powerful and important being who has ever lived, and then in the next breath saying that she's nothing. In peddling his conspiracy theory narrative of humankind merging with The Wired, of Lain simply being a powerful piece of software meant for Grand Purpose, he feeds into her struggle for identity and the need to be seen and understood by at once validating these feelings and how confusing they are, while reinforcing her isolation and his own dominant grip over defining the shape of the world and society.

When Arisu finds Lain living in filth and comforts her, that is one of the rare moments that the raw, vulnerable, material world Lain, weighed down with no pretenses, pokes her head out. That moment of genuine intimacy that she has been so hungry for this whole time is enough to allow her to retaliate against "God" when he shows up in anger upon being doubted. When Arisu reacts poorly to this sight, though, is when Lain makes her final dive back into her own walled off reality. For as much as she wants to be seen and held and comforted by this girl she loves, it is far more painful for her to have to witness and live with the feeling of rejection and guilt that came from Arisu's fear in the aftermath.

The final image of her father finally expressing the real tenderness she has longed for. The imagined future of Arisu dating her former teacher well into adulthood, because it's the only model of a relationship Lain has ever seen someone want, because her parents certainly don't seem happy, and she herself didn't get anything out of the boy who kissed her. The final statement, "I will always be with you". As with everything in the series, these can be interpreted many ways. But to me it reads unmistakably as the final moments before suicide.

In any case though, after all that, it seems fairly starkly clear why Lain resonates so strongly with trans people. Contrary to the old saying that all happy people are happy the same way, but all miserable people suffer uniquely, this path to despondence is depressingly common. It is the way out that is unique to everyone who finds themselves there. I hate to say it, although I feel very lucky to say that I have survived being in that place many times--which I think is proof that it is possible to get to the other side and make a good life, despite everything-- I think if it had ended any more neatly or more positively, it just wouldn't feel as honest. It captures the depth of that state of being. That's just what it's like. And as heavy as it is to sit with, I get a lot from being able to see something painfully familiar to me reflected in such a raw way. After all that, a happy ending would just feel disingenuous. I mean, that's my life, and any happy ending they could have written just isn't how it went.

#writing #Serial Experiments Lain #Lain

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cheekygreenty · 3 years

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Little Witch - Part 14

The Darkling x Reader

You felt fine after dinner, the food quickly replenishing your dwindled physique, but you didn't go back to work. You took Aleksander's advice and took the rest of the day to rest and take your mind off the countless tasks you had. There was one thing you needed to do though and that was thank Zoya for today.

She didn't have to do any of it, in fact, you believed she hated you from the minute you interrupted Aleksander's meeting. You were told by a servant she was out training Inferni's and so you made your way down to the Etherialki training grounds. She stood there, the image of a goddess. Her dark hair fell down her blue kefta in defined curls, collecting small snowflakes.

There was no indication she'd been involved in a deadly attack a mere 4 hours ago. Saints, I think I have a crush on Zoya. Nevertheless, you walked over to her, calling out her name to grab her attention.

'Deputy, how are you feeling?' She looked worried yet relieved to see you standing in front of her on both of your legs.

'Y/N will do Zoya.'

'Alright then'

'Thank you for today. I don't know what came over me.'

'We all have our moments. Some of us just hide them better' You couldn't tell whether that was a dig at you or not.

'You're an amazing soldier Zoya. I'm very impressed'

'Well I didn't just sleep my way to the top if that's what you're implying.' She turned her addicting gaze away from you, studying the young Infernis.

'I beg your pardon?' You were taken aback.

'How's your leg?' She tried to change the topic but you weren't ready to.

'What do you mean Zoya, spit it out.'

'You know what I mean Y/N.' Why was she avoiding the conversation if she brought it up in the first place?

'Are you and Gener-' Is this another thing he had lied to me about? You vaguely remember thinking the two had been involved when you seen them in the same room but it passed quickly, surely he would have told you, especially if it was with one of his most trusted Grisha? The thought was another painful blow to your gut. They just kept on coming. You couldn't finish your sentence for she already answered it.

'No.'

'Zoya'

'Not anymore... Alina is here now' The strong feisty woman was gone now, in her place was a hurt and rejected woman. You were old enough to see it, you had been her before, hell you were her now. You looked at her striking beauty, thought about her incredible skills, and then stupidly compared yourself to her. If he rejected her, you're next. Your silence must have comforted her more than words could, for she shrugged her shoulders and said

'He keeps saying she's his equal, the day to his night' His equal. That's what Alina said.

'You don't need anyone Zoya. I can promise you you'll amount to great things on your own.' Despite the hurt you felt, you focused on her.

'Well as of right now I'm stuck to skiff trips and when you request me' You eyed her inquisitively 'Our dear General's doings.' she admitted.

'What gave you such an honor' you teased.

'I got into a riff with the precious Sun-Summoner after she vexed me.' She shut her eyes tightly as if trying to forget the memory.

'She doesn't strike me as the vexing type-' Your conversation was quickly interrupted when an Inferni accidentally set alight more than just the mannequin and Zoya scrambled to put it out, scolding the boy in the process.

'I'll leave you to it then'

You walked away, hurt and on the verge of tears. You needed to speak to Aleksander, you were sick of him lying to you but you were even more tired of feeling that severe urge to cry every time you thought about him. You came here to do your job and to show everyone you had your powers under control, yet all you've done so far is the opposite. Saints be damned you would walk away from your position because of a complicated relationship, you were better than that. But you also recognized that if you confronted Aleksander about all of this, he would either have to tell you about his plans for Alina or lie again, and you knew he would lie. It was a vicious cycle, one that wouldn't end. It was heartbreaking knowing that the man who claimed to never stop loving you could lie to you so easily.

You were right to question your trust in him, he never gave you a reason not to.

***

He was sitting at his desk, back turned towards you. You hesitated, the thought of running out the door and locking yourself in your room sounding pretty attractive. Maybe a good cry will fix this.

'Y/N I thought I told you to rest' He spoke calmly, his hand never dropping the pen. You shut the doors, not wanting the guards outside to hear what you were about to say. This made him turn around.

'We need to talk'

He dropped the pen and paper and stood up, indicating he was all ears. You glued your eyes to his knowing your vulnerability peeked through but you didn't care to hide it.

'What are your plans for me, Aleksander?'

He cocked his head to the side, confused. 'What?'

'Why keep me around when Alina is here?'

You were never the jealous kind, but you came to realize this wasn't jealousy. It was disappointment and aching after being away from him for almost a century. You had built up this life in your head, one where everything was perfect and Aleksander hadn't changed but you raised the bar too high. The bad parts of Aleksander faded away with each year and the best parts of him enhanced in your mind. You had forgotten what he was truly like, plus coming to terms with the fact that he lived a seemingly happy life while you were gone stung a bit too. With each day, the disappointment turned into hurt and anger.

'Y/N I already told you, I have a plan.'

'So you expect me to watch you and Alina fawn over each other while I stay in the shadows being a dutiful Second in Command? I may be loyal but I'm not going to blindly follow along Aleksander, not anymore.' It's making me miserable.

His hands reached out for you but you moved away. 'You know I love you Y/N' He said as if the foolish statement would make your worries and anger melt away.

'Then act like it'

'It's not that simple.'

'It never is, is it?' You bitterly laughed. What's the point of loving somebody if you're not willing to do everything to make them stop hurting?

'Why won't you tell me?' Your voice was a whisper he barely registered. 'Do you not trust me? Cause I'll admit it right now, I may love you, but I don't trust you Aleksander.'

Your admission hit him like a pile of bricks. He was brought back to when you first met, your shaking body radiating hostility as you rode in the carriage with him. He tried to assure you you were safe, you were one of his Grisha now, but you were having none of it. You didn't trust anybody for months after you arrived in the Little Palace, especially him and right now, it was all back to square one.

'Have I really given you that many reasons to not trust me?' It had been so long since he had somebody to care for and love that he forgot how to act around you. Perhaps he was back to square one too.

'Yes. Your sly comments about killing the King and finding the stag, your relationship with Alina, even with Zoya- Aleksander you're lying to me every day and you think I'll still be compliant. I'm not the same Y/N you remember.'

'You know what I want Y/N. You've always known'

'I do, but I need to know how you're going to do it all. How can I be supportive when I don't know what the hell is going on around me. A goodnight kiss every now and then won't fix this if you're doing the same to somebody else'

'Is this what this is? Your way of saying I'm fucking my Sun-Summoner on the side?'

'I never said that. All I wanted to know was why I'm not in on the plan that's supposed to give us more power. Is it because I'm a loose cannon, are you scared of what I'll do if I won't agree with you?'

You were sure of one thing; while you were gone nobody dared to disagree with the Darkling and he had grown to get used to it. Power corrupts, resistance humbles.

Somehow you still held your composure, albeit it was difficult. Aleksander however, was losing his temperate demeanor. He was pacing the lengths of the room and his hand had brushed through his hair countless times, the image of someone who was backed into a corner they couldn't get out of.

'I haven't told you because I don't want you to get burned. If it goes wrong it would be good to have some of us not hanged for treason would it not?' Bullshit. He must've forgotten you had the power of a heartrenderer. Aleksander was lying right through his teeth.

'You and I both know that's not true. If history is any indication then they'll turn on all Grisha.'

'And you'll be here to make sure they don't.' He tried to reason but you let out a loud laugh.

'Up until 2 weeks ago you didn't even consider giving me my old post back, do you really expect me to believe you changed your strategy in a matter of days?'

He stayed silent and settled against his desk. His crossed arms showed he was in no mood to discuss any further but you weren't done. He was going to tell you everything whether he liked it or not. You were sick of being kept in the dark. You had your title of Deputy back now, yet you still had no idea what truly went on and had no real sway against the top-ranking Grisha who no doubt were in on the plans. Power corrupts, resistance humbles, and you were done being humbled.

'Aleksander don't make me force it out of you' As soon as the words left your mouth you tried to find some part of you that regretted them but came up empty-handed.

His head whipped around with whiplash speed. You could see the internal battle going on behind his eyes of whether you would actually make do on your threat. You didn't know whether it was empty or whether you actually would do it but it was tempting.

'You said you changed, but I don't think you did' He retorted, eyeing you up and down with a look of displeasure. The situation was a shift from the usual, this time he was the one losing control and spiraling whereas you were the perfect example of a calm before the storm. The Little Witch he had grown to love and worship.

'I'm stronger, I can be stronger. I am limitless' You prided yourself on the restraint you'd shown thus far. You were in a palace full of Grisha, of Healers, a Tailor, a Sun-Summoner yet you didn't make any moves to take anything. The old Y/N wouldn't hesitate to take what wasn't hers. Maybe that's why you would burn out, lose as you gained. This time you knew how to do it properly, how to be an Elemental who yielded it all.

'Your quench for power is contending mine, Sweet Y/N.' For the second time in your life, you saw fear in Aleksander's eyes. He always had a feeling you yearned to have a stronger grasp of the Second-Army and for so long, even now, you tried to lie to yourself and deny it. But deep down some voices always whispered 'it's only right to have a leader who represents them all'.

'Wrong. I already have it, I just need to use it.' You raised your hands slowly, showing him you meant what you said. I'm really doing this. Your heart dropped when his raised too. He's willing to hurt me to protect his lies.

'There's no going back from this' You felt weirdly ready. Although you had never used your Grisha powers against Aleksander in a fight, you had a hefty slice of hope in you that you could overpower him. You had what he had and more.

'Y/N stop this.'

'Why? So that you'll lie to me again? Make me the other woman? It's inevitable that it comes to this' Your heart picked up in speed as your breathing became rapid. The influx of power at your fingertips itched to get out and make itself useful and containing it was painful.

Shadows pooled on the ground and around your feet yet you didn't know who they belonged to. Technically they're all his, I just know how to control them.

Panic shot through you as you felt a tendril of the black nothingness grasp around your wrist. No. You let yourself go, snapping the shackle and mirroring it on him. He had never experienced cruelty at the hands of his own power until now and was completely powerless as the black restraints rendered him useless. You concentrated on his pulse, soothing it to its normal rate then into a slow hum, relaxing his mind. This all felt so wrong yet so right.

'I'm feeling merciful today. When you feel up to it, tell me everything, or else I promise I won't hesitate Aleksander. We're the same in that manner.'

You watched as he gathered himself, anger rising onto his face. His moves were rigid and stiff despite your previous soothing.

'Time is ticking' Before he could say another word, you left the defeated Darkling, instilled with a sudden sense of pride.

______

Part 15

Here's my masterlist where you can find previous parts of this series!

Taglist (Tell me if u want to be added to the Little Witch taglist!)

@theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @0-artemis @lostysworld @xceafh @fire-in-her-veinz @patdsinner33 @cleverzonkwombatsludge @wizardwheezes @aleksanderwh0r3 @tomhollandisabae @hotleaf-juice @justmesadgirl @exo-1204 @houseofdupree @oberonpascal @eireduchess

#shadow and bone #the darkling #grisha #imagine #the darkling x reader #ben barnes #alexander #alexander morozova #fanfic #alina starkov #general kirigan x reader #zoya nazyanelsky

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thenamesseven · 4 years

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Warnings: Mentions of fights and blood.

Word count: 3.1k

A/N: It’s finally here! I’m going to do a taglist so send me a message if you want to be added!

@guess--monster

Masterlist Next Chapter->

You have waited years for this moment, five to be exact yet now that you were parked in front of the prison your best friend was locked in, the place that he had been living in all these days since that fateful night your body was completely glued to your car seat.

Your hands had only left the steering wheel to turn off the car's ignition and your eyes were frozen on the boring looking building placed in front of you. Sighing, you reached up with one of your shaky hands to brush some of your hair out of your face, calming down had been impossible since this morning, in fact, you were sure it was a miracle that you hadn't suffered a heart attack yet. You could feel your heart pounding against your ribcage and you knew it would beat even faster as soon as you stepped out of the car.

Your mind was not better, there were a million questions running through it, echoing in your concerned thoughts. Would he remember you? How would he react when he saw you? Did he change or was he still your Jongho? And the most important question out of the thousands you kept coming up with.

Was he mad at you?

He was locked in that cell and wouldn't get out of it for a lot of years thanks to you. What happened that night had only been your fault yet Jongho took advantage of your shock to save you from the horrible fate that would have awaited you in court. No matter how much you and the best lawyers you had found for him fought for his freedom, his reputation as a gang member and the sins he committed for that night were stronger than the truth nobody believed and put your best friend behind bars for an eternity.

Jongho had every right to hate you even when you were here to get him out of this prison.

The plan didn't have any details yet, you only had the objective and even though you believed your life would totally change once your best friend was out of that cell he now called home you couldn't stop thinking it would be worth it.

Jongho deserved to be free, he deserved to live his life.

"Come on…You can do this" You whispered to yourself, finally opening the door to get out of it as you grabbed your purse "You owe him your life, you can't back out of this now"

Your voice shook as much as your hands did, you knew you couldn't walk inside in this state but fear was taking control of your body. The fact that you were planning to set Jongho free when the law said he should be locked up for more years than he could survive made you a bit paranoid. It was completely impossible that somebody would guess your plan on your first day at work but who were you trying to lie to? You've always been a good girl, rules were never broken by you and now, all of a sudden, you were planning an escape plan for your imprisoned best friend Jongho.

You were way out of your comfort zone.

"Identification please" The guard's voice who was standing on the other side of the fence snapped you out of your thoughts. Your eyes travelled up to him although you couldn't see much of his face thanks to the blue cap he was wearing.

"Uh yeah, sorry" Your voice shook a little as your hands instantly fished into your purse, getting your wallet and your ID out so he could check it.

He looked down at it before looking at you once again, now that he was entirely sure you were the same person in the picture, he signaled for his mates to open the fence and let you walk inside and deeper into the lion's dent.

"Have a nice day" He said with a small smile, nodding his head once in a greeting way as you walked inside. Too nervous to speak again, you only glanced his way and nodded back, fearing that he would somehow guess your intentions based on the tone of your voice.

With the sound of your high heels clicking against the pavement, you tried to take deep breaths as you walked into the prison, ready to face your best friend after so many years and ready to get him out of there as soon as you could.

In one of the hundreds of cells that were inside the building, Jongho laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Everyone had warned him of all the dangers that hid in prison. Psychos waiting to kill you, corrupted cops that wouldn't miss the chance to ruin your life, the lost of friends that were either murdered by somebody else or by themselves, the homesickness….But nobody had warned him about boredom and how dangerous it was for the mind to repeat the same exact routine one day after another. After his first four years locked up he needed some changes or his sanity would start to get damaged.

"I heard someone new is coming to work here" Min Yoongi, Jongho's cell partner commented out of nowhere. He was not much of a talkative person, Yoongi only started a conversation when his own thoughts got too scary for him to handle and he needed a distraction.

He didn't tell you this of course but Jung Hoseok, one of his closest friends, liked to gossip too much and sometimes useful information about other inmates slipped from his lips. Jongho had always been smart enough to keep his private information for himself.

"Oh really?" Jongho didn't care too much, the people working in this prison were as nice as….Let's just say they weren't nice at all "New guard?"

"New nurse" Now, Yoongi was one of the few people that always managed to hear about everything people talked about. No matter how quietly you talked, how secretive you were, he was always there listening, it was obvious why Hoseok was his closest friend, Yoongi was a fountain of gossip "Jaehyun, the guy from cell 67, hurt the last one so bad during a check-up that the poor guy ended up being too scared to come back to work"

"He was an asshole so whatever Jaehyun did, the guy probably deserved it" He muttered shrugging, keeping his eyes on the ceiling as they talked "Let's hope this one is better"

"I heard she is a girl, so she might be a bit more sensitive" Yoongi added, sitting up straight on his bed.

"A girl?" Jongho frowned, turning his head to move his eyes away from the ceiling and back to Yoongi just to make sure he wasn't just fucking around with him.

"Crazy right?" Yoongi scoffed "With all the pervs that are locked up in here I bet she won't last too long"

"Or maybe she is a badass and kicks all our asses" Jongho said with a small smirk, making Yoongi smile too in amusement "Who knows?"

Little did Jongho know that the nurse they were talking about would be you and that you were only a coward with a mission disguised as a badass.

“So this is where you will be working” The guard, whose name you hadn’t had the pleasure to discover yet, that had been guiding you through the facilities mostly showing you the areas that were empty of inmates, stopped once you reached the nurse office “Though, I would recommend you to bring a book or something to entertain yourself”

Your eyebrows arched up, curious at his advice “Not to many patients to deal with?” You asked with a polite smile. Not that you were disappointed by that, you had only wanted to work in this place to get Jongho out somehow, not to treat some people that could snap your neck before you blinked.

“If it’s a good day you won’t get any visits” He answered, hands in his pockets, relaxed as the two of you chatted. He didn’t seem to be looking forward to going back to his work and showing the newbie around seemed to be the perfect excuse to avoid that “Unfortunately, there are bad days too” He sighed tiredly, hinting that he had been present in more bad days than he would like.

“What would you define as a bad day?” You asked hesitantly, you weren’t sure if you really wanted to know what he considered a bad day. You were at a prison after all.

“Someone getting stabbed, beated to almost death, strang-”

“I think I get it now” You interrupted before he could keep listing horrible events that you didn’t even want to think about “I hope you all don’t go through bad days too often”

The guard smiled sympathetically “That depends on how well these guys want to behave” The two of you stayed silent for a second, it was obvious that the conversation topics between the two of you were slowly coming to an end despite his insistence of keeping the chatting alive “Don’t worry about your safety though, most of the guys here wouldn’t hurt you and the ones that possibly would are never left alone, a guard will stay with you if they think you could be at risk” You nodded at this information, partly glad at that.

Prisons were no joke and truly dangerous people were locked up in here, murderers and rapists were something you would have to deal with if you wanted your plan to go well. Although this kind of worried you, Jongho had been sentenced because he murdered somebody and even though newspapers made sure to let the world know that the life he ended that night was not an innocent one, he was still considered a murderer and a gang-member. Would they leave him alone with you if he ever needed medical assistance? Because if they didn’t, you were royally fucked.

“That’s a relief” You said with a small smile, hand going up to your chest as you let out a small sigh “I was a bit worried about that, I’ve never worked in this kind of…” Your voiced died down a little, not really sure about how to refer to this place without sounding scared as fuck or insulting “Kind of place”

“Don’t worry, the inmates behave most of the time” Not going to lie, the fact that they didn’t behave all the time wasn’t surprising but that didn’t make it less scary. The guard opened his mouth to say something else but a static voice coming from his walkie-talkie interrupted your conversation, signaling him that it was about time for him to come back to his real work. Throwing a small smile your way, he picked up the device and muttered a quiet ‘On my way’ before turning his attention back to you “Well, I’ll see you around miss” He said with a friendly smile, nodding his head as his feet started walking backwards “Good luck on your first day!”

You nodded, standing outside of the infirmary until he disappeared around the corner. Left alone in that hall you truly didn’t know what to do with yourself, despite his reassurance of the guards protecting you from any danger you couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated by the idea of having to treat inmates. Jongho better not be mad at you or you would beat his ass.

Sighing you finally opened the door to what would be your work space for as long as you needed to perfect your plan and the situation didn’t improve. Nobody had told you what had happened to the last person that abandoned this position but by the blood on the wall poorly cleaned you could slightly guess what had happened.

“The things you get yourself into” You whispered to yourself, dropping your purse on the desk as you walked deeper into the dusty room, eyes scanning your surroundings and purposefully avoiding the blood stains on the white wall.

“That’s exactly what my mom tells me whenever she visits”

You were startled by the new voice coming from behind you, hands instantly going to your chest where your heart was pounding incredibly hard against your ribcage and breath getting caught in your throat, good thing you hadn’t been holding something like your phone or you would have dropped it for sure.

When you turned around to find the source of your almost heart attack, what you found standing there didn’t make it less scary. Your first inmate patient was standing by the doorway and by the lack of guards around him, you guessed he wasn’t considered a threat.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you”

He was tall, like ridiculously tall. This guy was probably three head taller than you and even though it probably wasn’t his intention, his height only made him more intimidating for you. Although, the way his smile seemed shy and his eyes darted away from you gave away that he was being honest. His hair was blond and looked fluffy, how his hair managed to look better than yours in a place like this was a mystery but if you two would have been in a totally different situation you would have asked about the products he used.

This wasn’t the time to think of that. Dumbass.

“It’s alright, you just interrupted my daydreaming session” You said with a small smile in return, forcing yourself to relax and not be so on edge. Just because he was in this place didn’t mean he would try to kill you whenever he got the chance. “Can I help you?” He nodded to your question, less tense now that you had visibly relaxed and decided it would be a good moment to walk into the room too, always keeping his distance with you. He was probably conscious of your nerves and didn’t want to freak you out.

“I’m Mingi or inmate 2356 but you know, since numbers are difficult to remember you can call me by my name” His little presentation mixed with the friendly smile that stretched the corners of his lips upwards brought a smile of your own to your face.

“Well, nice to meet you inmate 2356” You joked with a smirk, leaning back against your desk as you crossed your arms on your chest, keeping down the bubbly chuckle that threatened to spill from your lips.

“Damn, she’s good with numbers, what do I do know?” He joked back, laughing quietly as he fidgeted with the hem of his orange clothes. “Let’s start all over again, my name is Mingi, nice to meet you” His smile widened when you finally chuckled, if his objective had been relaxing you in his presence then he had done a pretty good job.

“Nice to meet you Mingi” You said amused, not scared of him and his height anymore as your eyes travelled down his figure, searching any wounds that you could treat or anything that told you he was sick but to your surprise, nothing was found “You look fine to me, what can I help you with?”

“Well, you can say no if you don’t want to but I used to help the last guy that worked here, you know, we all have to study or work in here and since books were never for me I worked my way to the Infirmary!” He said with a proud smile, one that kind of make you think he was cute “So I was wondering if I could keep learning and helping you out, I promise I won’t mess things up and that I’ll take this seriously”

The way he kept saying that he wouldn’t mind if you rejected him but also kept lowkey trying to convince you made your smile even bigger. He seemed to be a nice guy and you honestly wouldn’t mind having some company around, it would surely make things a bit more difficult for you and Jongho but maybe if he even showed he could be trusted, you could tell him your true intentions and plans. Mingi could be helpful for sure.

“Okay, having some company sounds nice” You accepted, uncrossing your arms and getting ready to clean the room a little and organize everything on the shelves. There was so much work to do and so little time to keep friendly chatting with Mingi.

“Thanks God, I really didn’t want to go back to painting classes” He mumbled while watching you, pulling the sleeves of his uniform up so he could start helping you out in whatever you were planning to do at the moment.

“I’m assuming you weren’t born to be the next Van Gogh?” You asked chuckling, hearing how Mingi snorted.

“These hands were made to make many things but paintings are not one of them for sure” He answered and even though your eyes weren’t on him right now, you could hear the smile on his lips.

“I hope they were made to heal people” You teased.

“Were they? We’ll see” He said in a light tone obviously joking “So what’s your name? Since you don’t have a number I can easily remember” Mingi muttered teasing you about your greeting earlier, making you smile again.

“My name is (Y/N)” You simply said.

Mingi froze in his place, his smile only getting wider as he turned around to look at you. He had been having the feeling that he knew you as soon as he walked in the infirmary but he hadn’t been able to guess the reason why you were so familiar to him. Now that you had said your name, Mingi remembered how many times his friend had spoken about you, how easily was to make him smile whenever he remembered your shenanigans and oh god, let’s not talk about the picture he had in his cell of the two of you. Sure you looked way younger but Mingi was sure you were her, you were Jongho’s girl.

“Wait, your (Y/N)?” He asked genuinely surprised, making you stop your rearranging of the medicines that were on the shelves to turn around and look at him.

“I just told you” You snorted, not really getting why he was asking that.

“I can’t wait to tell Jongho you’re here” He said smiling warmly.

“You know Jongho?” You asked surprised, eyes glued to his face.

“Of course I do” He said as if it was the same obvious thing, pointing to the tattoo on his wrist “We were in the same gang”

167 notes · View notes

justalads · 3 years

Text

was l’manburg (and c!wilbur) xenophobic?

xenophobia: fear and hatred of strangers or foreigners or of anything that is strange or foreign

short answer: not really? it depends on a few things.

(all c! and /rp unless specified)

we’re bringing out the geopolitical roleplay analysis today!

before i get into the xenophobia discussion, actually, i want to go down a bit of a side track: the take that the people of l’manburg were colonizers. i don’t think it’s a lot of people who say this, but whenever people list “colonizer” as something that wilbur is, it always confuses me a little, as someone who watched the majority of season one live. there are two definitions for “colonizer”:

(note: i’m going to be using dictionary definitions for most of these. this is purely in order to give the benefit of the doubt to people that use these words wrong. the definition of these terms that people generally accept often is slightly different, and holds more implications.)

1: a country that sends settlers to a place and establishes political control over it

2. a plant or animal that establishes itself in an area

so, to be fair, the second definition does fit l’manburg. because it fits everyone on the server. everyone showed up and established themselves in the area. but if people are using that definition, why are we calling exclusively wilbur a colonizer and nobody else? why not the people who took land for their houses, when that was considered completely fine by everyone else? wouldn’t that make dream the biggest colonizer of them all? the definition that people seem to be implying is more of a “moved into an area and took political control over it.” the question would then be: was the land of l’manburg previously inhabited? was there anything there before l’manburg? because “colonizing” something in the negative sense usually means there was already someone there. the people saying this are using it in the negative sense, because if they were not why would they use it at all and specifically to wilbur?

it could be argued that the land was “dream’s” land, because it was his server, but then that calls into question his ownership over it at all, and whether or not it was legitimate. if dream “owns” the land of the smp, does he own the entire server? if someone goes out a million blocks, is that still “his” land? and why is it his? what gives him a right to it?

it could also be argued that the land everywhere belonged to the server, as in everyone had equal claim to it all. however, nobody really had a problem in the past with anyone going “this is my house” or “this is my land”. in fact, the land that became l’manburg was kind of wilbur’s house (if you go back to the hot dog van stream, he says that he built it and he “lives” there.) nobody was there before him. it was his own space that he picked out of all the land. nobody on the server had any sort of previous attachment to the land, and there was nothing important there that everyone needed. the land was free. this sort of thing doesn’t happen very often in real life, because populations are usually already living in places that get colonized. this is not true for minecraft. another definition of colonization is this:

“colonization, or colonisation refers to large-scale population movements where the migrants maintain strong links with their or their ancestors' former country, gaining significant privileges over other inhabitants of the territory by such links.” basically, you can’t “colonize” your own land. l’manburg didn’t have any sort of real privilege over the other people on the server (they tried to enforce the rules but because they were physically weaker they were disregarded). while the word colonizer can apply in one definition to everyone, it is then kind of weird to use it just for wilbur, because it implies that he fits the other definition when he does not. the misuse of this word has become prevalent again, with fans on both sides of the las nevadas/snowchester outpost calling the other side colonizers. both of these accusations are incorrect. so then, why did wilbur disallow americans from going into his country? why did he establish that rule, and doesn’t it show him taking “political control” over an area and denying others equal rights? doesn’t that paint him as a little iffy? does the “no americans” rule make him xenophobic?

again, not really? it’s sort of complicated.

the circumstances under which l’manburg was created are roughly outlined at about 1:47:23 in tommy’s vod “ TommyInnit & WilburSoot discuss their Empire Plans in Dream's Server.”

(bold is wilbur, italics are tommy)

“have you noticed something about the issue last time? when we were trying to just, you know, trying to get blaze rods and stuff. do you know what the issue was?”

“what was the issue?”

“right, so think of all the people that were good to us.”

“tubbo.”

“eret. fundy. tubbo, right? what do they all have in common?”

“they’re all weak. weaker than us.”

“they’re all european, tommy. i’m thinking we build a wall to keep out the americans.”

“yeah?”

“we’re gonna build a wall, on the server, and the americans are gonna pay for it. and we’re gonna keep them out of our land. because they— ruin bits.” (laughs)

“cause they ruin bits?”

“no, no, no, they just, we need to get rid of them. we need to keep them out.”

“okay.”

“so i’m thinking we build this wall, right. we get fundy involved— well okay, first thing we do, we rob the americans for materials to build the wall.”

“if we do that, the second we do that, they’re gonna stab us and put us in jail and claim that they’ve won again. they’ve won the war.”

“look, they can keep doing that, over and over again— the wall’s getting built. so we build this wall, right? and then what we can do in this wall?”

“what?”

“it’s our territory. we can make as many drugs as we want. the police have no jurisdiction on us there.”

“okay.”

——

“so tomorrow, we’re gonna build a drug empire?”

“well— no, we’re just gonna make a country? and then the drugs will be legal in the country.”

“how do you know that sapnap’s not gonna… i don’t know. you know what they’re like, man, how do we know they’re not gonna… make it a war?”

“the thing is, right. how i see it is they can declare war, they can do whatever they want, but like. if we just ignore them and don��t acknowledge it, we win. we can’t lose.”

“yeah, but they’ll just kill us. because that is what happened last time.”

“we just don’t acknowledge them. ignore them.”

“yeah, but there’s only so much ignoring you can do when— yeah, alright, alright.”

“and then we win. we can’t lose, possibly.”

“we make them pay, for what they’ve done wrong.”

so the goal is to… make drugs. because drugs are against the law of the server, and they’re going to get the freedom to do drugs by making their own country, where the police can’t get them. they want to keep the americans out because as wilbur said, the europeans of the server were good to them. they keep talking about how the americans might hurt them. experiences with the americans of the server has left these two with a bias against them.

the plans to steal materials for the wall are a parallel to the american border wall, maybe less of a parallel and more of a reference/joke since many of these words were never acted upon and the circumstances for these two things are different in an important way. that’s why legitimate comparisons of the american border wall and a roleplay between americans and europeans are not great: it disrespectfully equates two situations. wilbur and tommy joke about the wall throughout the first couple of streams. the aversion to americans that they have is sort of unearned for what they have done to the europeans at this point in time.

the thing with drawing parallels between l’manburg and real life situations is that we have to take into consideration the power dynamics of the server. dream, sapnap and punz had a lot of power at this point simply because they had a lot of tools and armor. l’manburg had pretty much nothing. so why is the country created? one, to escape a law that they deem unnecessary, and to avoid being put in jail. two, because they have a negative view of the americans, and they want a place where they won’t be hurt by them. tommy says the thing about revenge, but nobody ever acts on it. it’s about safety.

since the prejudice is there, i would say their words here alone could be considered xenophobic? i’m unsure, because it would be more of the “fear” part of the definition than the “hatred” part. the americans did do things to tommy and wilbur. their beliefs are not entirely unfounded. and then, of course, there’s the fact that once they begin to build the nation, the dynamic shifts entirely.

like i said before, the americans hold most of the power in the situation. once the action starts and the americans begin to poke at the new country, their actions are harming the people there, therefore solidifying in wilbur and tommy’s minds that the americans want to hurt them. a story of “americans hurt people and the people they hurt want to get away from them” does not generally cast the people who want freedom as xenophobic.

the americans do engage in acts of tyranny on the people of l’manburg. cruel treatment of citizens and no citizen input in the laws of the land fall under that definition. so at this point, we have people who are being harmed by their government. the refusal of independence and the unjust treatment define the americans as oppressors.

oppression: prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control

when in history, we see those who were oppressed by americans (or anyone for that matter! the sides of american and european do not really matter here, the point is the conflict and relationship between the groups) we see their dislike and fear of the other group as justified, not xenophobic. when people and systems in real life are xenophobic, i feel as if the fear is more of a hatred and the basis for the hostility is misguided. those prejudices are also held with a sense of superiority over those they deem “lesser”, not fear of them (although fear can be a motivator for actions). the xenophobia is often held up by systemic power differences.

if wilbur’s belief that the americans would hurt them was misguided, the americans should have done something to show them that. wilbur clearly expressed to the americans that he thought they were tyrannical and cruel, and they waged war upon him and his people, when they were pretty much defenseless. so then my question is what’s the point of calling them xenophobic, when their enemies were their oppressors?

it’s like calling him a colonizer: sure, it’s true in a sense, but the way people use it is misleading, and it’s a heavy word thrown at a delicate situation. its untruth or exaggerated truth makes it slanderous rather than genuine and critical analysis. revolution is produced by injustice, whether real or imagined. it is hard for revolutions with imagined injustices to be successful, as the cause is not appealing. the injustice became even more real once the people of l’manburg expressed the desire to be independent, and were further harmed.

making comparisons to real life things can be useful, but we should also be careful with how we do it. xenophobia and colonization are things that dramatically impact the lives of those oppressed, and while it’s not exactly directly harmful to those people to say something kind of stupid about a minecraft roleplay (this isn’t twitter, this isn’t something to be “cancelled” over in the slightest and i’m not trying to do that, just talking politics) it does show that people either misinterpret or want to shift the narrative of a political situation. basically, it doesn’t really mean anything, but if someone’s going to call c!wilbur xenophobic, they should think for a minute about why he had that prejudice.

lastly, the words “tyranny” and “dictator” are also extremely misused. people who want to do political analysis should know what the words actually mean.

~ Lad 2

#dreamsmp analysis #dsmp analysis #wilbursoot #tommyinnit #dream #mcyt #rp #dreamsmp #dsmp #ask to tag #(also from lad 2) by the way if i said anything stupid here please tell me #i don’t want to speak over people who are actually affected by stuff like this #and this is just my perspective as someone who Has privilege so i may be tone deaf #my view of prejudices like this is distant because they don’t affect me directly #my opinion is just that it’s not great to have these sorts of hot takes #about l’manburg if you’re going to ignore the stuff they faced #and that stories of americans opressing people are very common #so pushing charged labels onto characters without actually being right?#probably bad #considering how important the actual issues are #and how what people are saying may impact how they see real situations?#because a lot of dsmp analysis ends up being just political analysis #and opinions bleed over #americans have done a lot of crap #and i don’t want to put blame on the people they oppress #it is Fictional Block Game Story but like #still #but again i’m a white american so #if i’m wrong please let me know i am very willing to be criticized on things like this #thanks guys

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rpmemesbyarat · 3 years

Conversation

RP Meme Lines from "AHS: Coven" Episode 10: "The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks"

Drink this, it'll calm your nerves.

I'll cast a little spell for you.

I'm ashamed to show you my weakness.

I might have shed a tear or two myself if I'd lost everyone I had.

I'm over 300 years old.

Everyone I done ever met done followed after the Grim Reaper.

I taught myself long ago not to waste tears for the dead.

It's your kindness that has touched my soul.

I feel like I've been alone for so long, it's a relief to have found an equal. Even if that person come in the guise of an enemy.

We have so much to talk about. But not tonight.

Tomorrow we'll draw the battle lines.

Wake up. Your master calls.

Tonight's the night you pay me my due.

Not now. Please.

It's been a hard day.

Hard days deserve a harder night.

You drink my torment like wine.

Why you here in the house of your enemy?

I've come to seek a lasting truce.

I want what's coming to me.

It's the bargain you made so long ago.

You'll have to come back during visiting hours.

Mama's had a hard day.

Put the baby down on the ground and step away from it.

Don't mess with me.

I need this baby.

Put the goddamn baby down. Now!

I warned you.

I'll give you something to cry about.

He was determined to be a hero.

I should've seen it.

It's on me.

Ooh, he hated your ass.

You were my sworn enemy.

You hired him to kill me?

You're not just blind, you are willfully blind.

We don't have to waste our time with worker bees, what we have to do is to find the hive.

What a lovely shawl.

You keep your distance.

I know your game, lady.

Don't bother.

I've surrounded myself with the white spirit light to protect me.

I've already made plans on how to bring myself back.

Well, now why would I want to hurt you?

You can keep your powers.

I don't think you fully appreciate the power of the throne.

You are going to know the world, and what's more they are all going to want to know you.

You owe me five bucks.

Well, that was a morbid field trip.

You're not his type.

I know everything about you.

Did I get the shawl twirl right?

I want to get it right.

Perfect. It was perfect.

My powers are growing.

I can do mind control.

Put out that cigarette.

Now stick it in your vagina.

It was clearly my destiny to die and be reborn, just like our Lord and Savior.

Important men get their pictures taken.

We have to be smart about this.

They pray to one god-- a green, merciless god.

You're tainted.

You let them get inside your head.

We can fight about this for the next ten years, but right now I want to help you.

Don't you understand anything?

You can't help me.

You can't help anyone.

You're worthless, hopeless.

Get out of my sight.

Bring them to me in a weakened state.

She's selfish and she's a whore.

I didn't realize this before, but we can't survive on our own.

You don't have a mean bone in your body.

Maybe you're the kind of leader we need.

I want to say good-bye.

What is that hideous smell?

Clear all the bad spirits out of here.

It's not evil intentions that's making me sick.

We still got work to do.

What has she done to you?

I found love for the first time, and it's given me the passion to keep fighting.

You know the secret.

I don't think you're ready for that.

Tell me your secret.

I thought I was the shit back then.

I had just come into my prime, and my magic was strong.

I was pregnant, and I did not accept the idea of death.

I was invincible.

I come to you once a year, and you give me what I want.

I thought he meant some kind of sexual favors.

I wished for it; it came true.

Unknowingly, I made a deal forged in Hell.

You'd make a beautiful mother.

Children ain't in the cards for you.

Not my baby.

Take it back.

Take the spell back.

I can be mortal again.

Give the child to me.

I want my innocent soul.

What does he want?

Try and get some sleep now.

Just close your eyes and forget about that for now.

This kabob's some kind of tasty.

Thanks for treating.

Pretty soon, you'll be drowning in merch.

Merchandise. Swag. The cookies. You know.

You are cynical.

Everything's transactional.

Guy buys you dinner, he expects a blow job. Welcome to earth.

Players only love you when they're playing.

No, I know what you're trying to do. Mess me up, make me doubt myself.

You think I'm stupid because of where I came from.

Well, I'm not so easily bought, and I ain't that easily fooled.

You're right. I do think you're stupid.

You want to change my opinion?

Enchant these guys, would you?

You're powerful.

I'm powerful.

I don't need you.

I just want to be your friend.

Now lose that ugly shawl.

Stupid bitch.

Where's his body?

I think it's time for us to go.

She has to pay!

You have to be cleansed.

Could you please stop playing for a minute?

I need to focus.

Listen to the celestial tones.

What is that thing? It's hideous and weird.

Don't be a hater, dear.

I cannot tell you how playing this instrument soothes my soul in tempestuous times.

Nothing could soothe my soul.

You buck up, is what you do!

Face reality headlong and carry on.

I have no one, and my powers are gone.

Your salad dressing is absolutely magical.

Maybe you could bottle it.

You've got a lovely personality, and you're always well-groomed.

Are you trying to push me over the edge?

Between us chickens, no matter how hard I worked at it, I never felt special, either.

Look at me, I'm fabulous!

One never knows what the universe has in store for us!

I am an absolute failure.

I don't belong here anymore. I don't belong anywhere!

Vultures are waiting to strip the flesh from our bones.

You get our people on the phone.

Nobody is coming near us.

There's nothing natural about this.

It's time we finally deal with those witches.

You broke out the good stuff.

I don't want to die.

I am not the same as everyone.

I don't give a wet donkey's shit about your title.

I want terms defined.

The deal is off.

You have no soul.

Bum luck, baby.

I'll get my immortality.

I have no soul.

I'll just kill 'em all.

You always hear something.

You stole this baby to kill it.

You don't know what you talking about.

Eat my shit.

Now we'll have more cops on our trail.

Whose baby is that?

You have blood on your hands.

I barely remember my baby's face.

Stop making such a fuss.

I was very clear. No substitutions.

Be a sport.

Do I have to wear this outfit for all eternity?

Anywhere is better than here.

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay meme #roleplay memes #roleplay starters #ahs #ahs coven

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k-s-morgan · 3 years

Note

Yo, whoever just....SENT you UNSOLICITED ctitism??? They're either a youngling that hasn't learned the rules or fanfiction or they're just an asshole. That ask was worded very politely but that was such an assholish thing to do??? "Sadly, I will stop reading your story" DUDE WHO CARES. YOU DEADASS COULD'VE JUST QUIETLY STEPPED OUT WHEN THE STORY STARTED TURNING IN A DIRECTION THAT MADE YOU UNCOMFY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. There was literally NO NEED for them to come tell you all that and the only reason they did is because they're arrogant and think that only their opinion matters. They just...disregarded creative freedom completely. You handled it well but I just wanted to stop by and tell you that your characterization is actually very realistic and it is miles better than some other fics I've seen, which I will not name because I'm NOT AN ASSHOLE. Sorry to come ranting into your inbox but that ask got me fired up.

Another message: horrible anon that wrote the rude condescending& pathetic ask ab harry being weak for not being able to stomach tom MURDERING people i have no words. made me mad! book harry would NOT be okay with murder! & fuck them for saying those mean things ab u that arnt true. this is UR story. u can do WHATEVER u want with it. nobody has any right to demand things from u & u dont have to take any criticism if u dont want it. the entitlement of some people🤬. also i dont know why they assume you should care their going to “stop reading” like okay bye 😌 still gonna have like 200,000 hits

Another message from @likorys-shimenawa: I didn't want to be rude the anon, but... "You know something is wrong with your characterisation when more than one person gets hot and bothered about it" seriously broke me. They DO remember that people still think Snape was an incel out for hookup with Lily? When the only person to believe that was damn VOLDEMORT? Just cause many people say something doesn't make it true. Also - Harry's 'constant whimpering'? Did they miss how he spend months hung up on the Horcruxes, doing nothing, as well?

-----------------------------------------------------

I decided to group most of criticism-related asks together - I hope you don’t mind! Thank all of you for your support, it really means a lot to me. I’m not very bothered by negative comments/asks, but they sure aren’t pleasant to get.

The thing with stories is that everyone perceives them in a unique way. I saw the most ironic evidence of this with my Russian Snape-centered fic. I got two comments in sequence from two different people: one said my Snape is too nice; the second one said he is too evil. Everyone else felt he was canon-like. It was funny to see these comments posted right next to each other, and none of them was technically wrong: people have their view of the character, and it won’t always coincide with that of others.

It’s inevitable to lose readers along the way. The more relevant decisions characters make, the more defined the plot becomes, and some people start finding it not to their liking. That’s okay, but it’s important to remember that your experience is your own. Others might not share it.

That’s why I‘m not going to reply to asks similar to the one I got again. I already explained my view, there is nothing left for me to add. But to sum it up for the last time:

I think Harry’s ability to love can be a curse just as it can be a gift. I think he’s pretty strong, even though this love cripples him in many ways. He raised a better version of Tom on the global scale and a worse monster on the local one. He managed to control Tom’s destructiveness for years, and it broke his heart every time Tom did something similar to Voldemort. Beth was a shock because Harry’d believed he was succeeding in making Tom better just by loving him and explaining what’s right and what’s wrong. After that, he was constantly wary, yet the more Tom lived without hurting anyone, the more hopeful Harry became. Every setback shook him, but Tom never killed again - he learned how to stop, and Harry tried to focus on this. He had evidence of Tom being better, so his expectations worked accordingly. Learning about Charlus was a terrible blow because for one thing, Harry was already feeling terrible due to killing a person and watching his student die to protect him. For another, he realized that Tom killed a part of his family again. Of course he was stunned and horrified - this was his worst nightmare come true. And the ritual was the last drop in the overfilled bowl of his patience and hopes. Harry tried to watch out for others, he forgot to watch out for himself.

In my eyes, this is consistent with his behavior in canon + the changes he lived through in WHGTB. I’m happy that many readers share this view, and I’m sorry others don’t (though I get it), but I really don’t need to know that you want to stop reading. If the story no longer makes you feel happy or interested, just close it and look for another one. Fandom is supposed to be fun, and no writer can please everyone. Characterization is a complex thing - for the most part, it’s not universal. Things you disagree with will be something others agree with and vice versa. That’s fiction, and that’s why it’s such a fascinating concept.

#my fics #tomarry

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animeloversworldsblog · 4 years

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Ok im tired of all this things so im gonna started

Guren ichinose is a child, an innocent child, how he should be at his age, well knows from all hiragis and the rest of the houses. So mahiru knew well who he was at the age of 5, she went for him for one reason: make his father angry because he killed her mother, she was right to get angry? Yes she was, but that give you the right to goes after a kid where his family were dealing with their garbage for 500 years? No, of course not. And is not just that, she analyzed him and observed him, she ordered him to do whatever she wanted it, she observed his personality and even used him to become strong to be free of her family, and it didn't matter if that was him or other boy. She left that her family interrogate guren and his family bcs she was going to see him. If she was a sweet innocent girl why she let her family tortured them, she always run away bcs nothing was more important than her. She even say that she hate hiragi family bcs her mother was killed so she wanna go after what hiragis hate the most. So sweet and innocent never was. She even called guren and his family ichinose trash. She needed guren to fall for her first yet she ending up falling for him (with actually never was, she just need a tool) .Being the manipulative person she is , mahiru used all the pawns ( which is her own family guren and his friends) to complete her plans.People may say that she had goals and ambitions but there are ways you can do things and she completely went of the rail and lost her damn mind. Mahiru only goal in life was to use guren as her puppet and make him feel the pain she feels which is loneliness, and guren being a "perfect" target cause nobody respected or like him so he was the perfect lab rat / pawn / victim for her. Misery loves company and unfortunately guren was chosen.

So her personality was selfish since child, if you are angry because you have an abusive and shitty father don’t go and screw a little kid for your own selfish reasons, why goes from him in the first place? Because she saw him just like the rest of her family, rat ichinose, scum ichinose. So since child wasn’t different from her family was the same, Because from hiragis and the rest of the houses is better screw a family for unreasonable ridiculous hatred to proof that “because I have power or I belong to a powerful family I’m going to show you I can do whatever I want with you” even guren said it that he learned he don’t have to defy hiragi house because they can smash people however they want. But then again, if she grow up in a cruel environment what make her the right to do whatever she wants with people bcs she was suffering? What make her less cruel that the rest of her family? She become in the same as them bcs power was all to them. Even she want to get free of her destiny why screw everybody life on the process?. We forget that she wants guren just to be free and ask him kill all his family and friends? She wants to fulfill her wishes even if that meant hurt someone on the process.

Shinya well people think that hate her is bcs she rejected shinya and wasn’t want to be with him, that is so wrong. She wasn’t suffering any pain, she has 10, and she was treated normal even if she grow up around an abusive and cruel family, but shinya? He was yet another child that suffered at the hand of another form of child abuse. Maybe he also force himself to like/love mahiru because he life was on the line ... what people may not realize or care about is that when your life is on the line alot of the enemies words or ideas start to make since after a while. Shinya was a child that wanted a true family but ended up the joke of the family (so it's a mixture of what he wanted for the family aspect but got treated like the family pet). I'm pretty sure of shinya had the option to choose what he wanted he would never go with the hiragis.. his morals and standards are way to high he wouldn't lower himself to thier level. She was selfish, egotistical and treated shinya like garbage acting like a good girl yet she felt disgusting about him. More she goes to meet him just to tell him back off, more of that she not even care about a lot of kids being death, she doesn't love him? Good, she hasn't to accept him? Good. Yet, why do you think not be able to love someone is the worst thing that can happened to you? She did lose something? Yes her mother, but even so She is suffering any pain? She was lock up and mentally abused? No at all. She even is disgusting bcs shinya treat her nice and hate people prize her yet she prize herself. And who are you to obligated to a boy that you even met a few months and not even seeing him for over 10 years to love you? (She force guren to like her) She pretend to be nice with shinya and then making him fight after all what he through like if his effort would mean nothing. She is rotten since the beginning so don't give me with the crap that the demons influence her. We forget about shinya . Can we compare him here with her? Yes a lot, she was lonely so she hasn't other choices to became a demon why? Shinya was sold for his parents, was in a cage with 5 damn years old killing others kid, killing each others, can we talk about how many kids here lost everything and died like if they were an old object disposable garbage. And shinya lost his childhood. And was COMPLETELY LONELY. Yet he still grow up around hiragi family and try to be a normal kid surviving. Now her grow up around the family and even with just 5 had bad intentions with people that she not even know like guren? Being lonely doesn't became you an a monster are your action what define you. That thing you don't have anything so you just don't have a choice to became a demon is pure garbage, bcs if that would be the case every person in ons world that are lonely could be a monster and is not the case much people grow up to became better. Look kids that grow up without parents, lonely around even parents that destroyed their life. And fight and try harder to became in good persons. If you think this girl hasn't choices BCS BORN WITH A DEMON that is wrong and see what is being a lonely child with problems and not have anybody that care or love you. Even shinya could became in a monster but he didn't he choose to be the way he is,( even guren could became in a monster bcs has saito blood, demon noya, and mahiru who possess him) even could be kill in any moment from hiragi family and shinya knew it and could follow them and even so he didn't . She CHOOSE her own path for her own egoistic value point of view of life (as much as her family) , don't give me with the "thing" she hasn't other option to became in demon that is crap We all have our own behavior, unequivocal, not susceptible, nor vulnerable, even if it is the most submissive person in the world, nobody forces anything to anyone. About Shinoa that she did care for her and did all what she could to protect her.. Then why she wants just go away with the "love of her life" and abandoned her sister, why let her alone, why used her like messenger, why let kureto tortured her? Why took her demon for power. She saw shinoa like a tool more on her plans, not bcs she care about, she even on manga wants shinoa became like her. She used shinoa as a shield to make atrocities with a lot of people. And that is care for shinoa? Saying she did all for shinoa when since child was already greedy as much at her family? She not even see values in others people life. So my point is that demon thing about her bcs born with one ok valid but that make her a good girl when since child has evil intentions? And even if she was possess when she had menstruation still was able to do things for her own free will she wasn't possess all the time she was conscious majority of the time( actually was conscious using the demon) and use her demons when she need it bcs if the case is her influence and possession then the same is with guren he was able to not let possess he fight against that all the time and more he hate that part but she? In novel when she shows that she care about others? That doesn't want to kill? And cry for herself not for hurt or kill others. She goes with the aren't other choices. Lies there are manys ways to do things. She even say that life is useless so she doesn't give a crap about other people life. She wants to be a normal girl. Valid. But that give you the right bcs there aren't other choices to make genocide and don't give a crap about others life. Everybody wants a normal life in novel. Everyone. Even guren, even shinya but they did all what she did bcs there wasn't other choices? Even if she was a victim from her family. Why for 1200 years they enjoyed have power more than anything? Why bcs were manipulated from shikamadoiji? shijamadouji put their personalitys there? Is they want to get out of this bastard who controlled them why enjoy so much what his creator give them? Even if they were created to be used they love the power that someone else offer to them. They wants to be the kings or queens from the world. They have the hiragi pride. So how these people is victim when for years make so many genocide bcs love power more than anything. Guren, even if his destiny was mark, even has the blood of a crap bastard like saito, always fight against all of that, he didn't want any of this.(and you can see guren in novel and manga how much guilt and remorse feels and even is willing to let anybody kill him for his acts). Now her destiny was mark and a victim? Good, valid, but in the end choose that bcs she want it that way all the time. she is not a victim much less her family they choose follow the same path as his creator. We forget that kureto wants world dominations actually? We forget that she doesn't give a crap about the world? what about people they killed bcs is necessary for humankind? (Even guren on manga cried after what happened on nagoya that was mahiru plans and she did not care) She wants that guren became exactly like her and he still having 24 is fighting and feel guilt about all what is happening but she? Even being posses, when she feel remorse about what she was doing? Kureto don't feel remorse for what he is doing. Her family never feel remorse for what they did. Guren does all the time, he is scared.

People choose to be what they want to be regardless of where they come from .. people aren't forced to be nice or mean or evil .. they choose that path and will continue to walk it .. for those people who chose to walk the path of destruction with end with destruction until something in them changes but how often does that happen ... most people who has an impure heart tends to blame others around them then themselves cause its easier...people with shitty / horrible attitude tend to treat other people bad casue that's the way they are treated but with these people (mahiru and her family) who we are talking about is completely... she is evil from and already had a motive so she's completely out the question for any ethically or logical reasoning.

She is not a savoir. Kureto, mahiru and their family don't feel nothing about kill people even if they get free that still going to be the same kill people and had them under their control, even if they kill the bastard shikamadouji you think they gonna became good like if shikamadouji would put their personality there? They still gonna make whatever they want with the world and people, shikamadoji is a monster a supernatural piece of crap but is ridiculous think that mahiru or even kureto care for humanity even so guren still be an slave and everybody else. Shikamadouji is a horrible bastard selfish, egoist, monster but hiragis are equal as him. And even if she was alive and eliminate shikamadouji ( that is what she wants) she would be a good innocent girl that could be free having "what she loved the most" that was guren all for herself? . Do you think even so, she would let guren had friends and subordinates? When in novel she wants guren elimated all his family and friends. The only thing she wants from guren was that could make her free. She even said that if it wasn't bcs he is strong she would lost interest in him. Why kagami is saying that is not good or bad characters? Nonsense. Shikamadoji, Hiragis and mostly of vampires, even without shikamadouji would be the most horrible humans and monster that could exist. Guren shows that he don't want any of what is happening and WANTS TO SAVE THE DAMN WORLD (yet he has to do it even he is scared bcs mahiru have him as prisoner and his family as hostages) kureto didn't care, much less her sister wouldn't care. Not shikamadoji. Not vampires. Not even hiragi family care. Mahiru, the human mahiru is as much as worse as her with demons and being a vampire all was her own free will, the same goes for her family. Shikamadouji is a shitty bastars that screw everybody life for pure egoist, selfish desire but they choose to follow their own selfish desires as much as his creator. We forget how hiragis use the word LOVE to control other people, and how see love like lust to gain power?

Victims here are all the people that shikamadouji, hiragis and vampires used, manipulate and killed over so many years to gain more and more power. even if "they were created to be used Aren't victims not even mahiru, kureto, tenri and sheishiro hiragi. They aren't saviors they just want to be free of their creator and even so they still would be the same shit as shikamadouji .

Selfish people often mistakes selfishness for strength. It takes no talent. No intelligence. No self- control.and no effort to sacrifice other people for their ego. The egoist is Fooled by no ideals. They discard them or used them as may suit their own interest. You can never force someone to change. Everyone is how they want to be, act as they want to act, lose what they want to lose.

Guren ichinose is a good man, with so many flaws, and mistakes yet always is questionable about his actions but shitty characters like mahiru, tenri, kureto, shikamadoji, vampires, etc are not? Guren as much as shinya were victims from the same monster: mahiru. Shikamadoji. Hiragis. Bcs that is what they are. All of them are pure egoist, selfish and don't give a crap about the world or other people just about their own interest. Guren is trying to save the world he care about people and feel guilt, remorse, pain and suffering yet he has to deal with their shit bcs they are not to blame bcs were created for shikamadoji, i mean yeah this bastard is the worst but the rest are the same crap bcs always gonna blame others instead of themself how much hipocrasy they can show.? Even kagami trying to say on manga that hiragis are all good over the years and they are poor victims which is not. They have not redemtion bcs there isn't to any of them bcs shikamadoji is the big master. And where is the redemption? When even IF THIS BASTARD DIE, NOT HIRAGIS, NOT VAMPIRES, NOT GONNA CARE ABOUT A SINGLE LIFE THAT IT WASN'T THEMSELF. where is the people that suffered for them for all over the years, now bcs mahiru protect shinoa( wich is a lie bcs was other pawn) is a victim? Kureto and tenri are? Guren is the only character that is trying to save the world even shinya wants to help. The rest are fighting for their onw selfishness but oh guren is a bastard that deserve to die. Which in reality The world would be better without hiragis, guren would be dealing with so many crap if it wasn't for the monster of mahiru. So every character is good except if it is guren and shinya right?

#guren ichinose #shinya hiragi #shinoa hiragi #mahiru hiragi #this was so long #i wanna say this for so long #im tired about all this

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macbetha · 3 years

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So very excited to share this! It’s a playlist for my upcoming Free! fic, This Heart of Mine, the rewritten sequel to Eyes Wide Open All the Time. You can listen to the playlist on YouTube; this list simply helps define who or what a song represents to me. This list also includes some lyrics that you may want to pay special attention to. I recommend reading the lyrics by themselves before listening to the playlist. Mind you - some of these lyrics only act as symbolism. Some mean more. Some songs have connections. Some don’t. ;) *go girl give us nothing* List below!

THIS HEART OF MINE: PLAYLIST GUIDE

Theme: Bring Me The Horizon feat. Halsey - In The Dark (MTLT / amo version) Oh so tall, it broke the fourth wall Guess our fairytale had a few plot holes Don’t you know you’ve lost control ↳ Honorable Mentions: ✧ grandson - Bury Me Facedown When I go into the ground I won’t go quietly I’m bringing my crown I won’t get tired Set the town on fire Thinking that they’ve won It’s only just begun ✧ Lorde - Everybody Wants to Rule the World ✧ Ry X - YaYaYa ✧ Rihanna - Goodnight Gotham

CHARACTERS

✦ Haruka ✧ WDL - Monster vs Angel Got my own monster Nobody but me Got my own angel I would never call him enemy He’s the good god I need But both of the sides Fight for me ✧ Mumford and Sons - Broken Crown I’ll never be your chosen one In this twilight How dare you speak of grace But in this twilight Our choices seal our fate I’ll crawl on my belly till the sun goes down I’ll never wear your broken crown ✧ Lia Marie Johnson - DNA Dark as midnight 6 Pack Coors Light You don’t look the same Past my bedtime Blue and red lights come take you away I won’t be like you Fighting back, I’m fighting back the truth Eyes like yours Can’t look away But you can’t stop DNA

✧ Cat Power - Sea of Love Come with me, my love To the sea, the sea of love ✧ Al Green - Love and Happiness (side note: this if my favorite song of all time) Love and happiness Something that can make you do wrong And make you do right

✦ Makoto ✧ The Oh Hellos - Soldier, Poet, King There will come a soldier Who carries a mighty sword He will tear your city down Oh ley, oh lei, oh lord ✧ Labrynth - Still Don’t Know My Name I took your heart I did things to you only lovers would only do in the dark I made you a god Priests, popes and preachers would tell me I did wrong ✧ The Civil Wars - Devil’s Backbone Don’t care if he’s guilty Don’t care if he’s not He’s good and he’s bad and he’s all that I got Oh lord, I’m begging you, please Don’t take that sinner from me ✧ Sleeping At Last - Make You Feel My Love (Cover) I could make you happy Make your dreams come true There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do Go to ends of the earth for you To make you feel my love �� Sousuke ✧ Angel Haze - Detox You dance in a cage with some rats in it I’m about chemistry, you just react to me God might turn us to ash, baby I might just taste your last stars tonight We were gods in a world that did nothing but doubt us But fuck it, I got us, from the dirt with the flowers Put in work in the shower ✧ Kaleo - No Good You better start runnin’ When you hear the man coming It won’t do you no good Kiss your baby goodbye Come on love, it’s all right Heaven knows they wanna break you apart ✧ The Oh Hellos - The Lament of Eustice Scrubb Brother, forgive me We both know I’m the one to blame When I touched the water They told me I could be set free ✦ Rin ✧ Halsey - Young God (Lullaby / Music Box Intro, Live from Webster Hall) Running, running, running And we’ll be running, running, running again ✧ SZA - Good Days Tell me I’m not my fears, my limitations I’ll disappear I gotta keep from losing the rest of me Chasing a fountain of youth that’s in the present I’ll await my armored fate with a smile Still wanna try, I still believe in good days ✧ Lola Blanc - Angry Too Does it get your blood boiling? Does it make you see red? Cause it gets my blood boiling It would eat you like poison if you knew what I knew I don’t wanna drink the venom they made me I don’t wanna be controlled by the past But boy, if you were me Could you really blame me? ✧ Kendrick Lamar - u And if this bottle could talk: I cry myself to sleep, everything is your fault Because you shook as you knew confinement was needed I know your secrets Don’t let me tell them to world About the shit you thinking And the time that you - I’m ‘bout to hurl I’m fucked up But I ain’t as fucked up as you ✧ Halsey - More Wooden floors, little feet Flower bud, concrete A little screen, a photograph Mine to take I still believe it won’t be like before I’ve loved you for all of my life ✦ Nao ✧ Johnny Hollow - Worse Things Anger grew like ecstasy And Leda threw the swan on me There are worse things, perverse things You should answer when the phone rings There are worse things I could do ✧ Young Heretics - Bones of a Rabbit You play with wolves But you sleep with the bones of the rabbit You have conquered cities And torched the mighty sea You may keep yourself afloat But you cannot outswim me ✧ Phantogram - Black Out Days (Future Islands Remix) Hide the sun I will keep your face out of my mind I’m hearing voices all the time And they’re not mine Haunting my mind ✦ Natsuya ✧ Gang of Youths - Achilles, Come Down Remember your virtue Redemption lies plainly in the truth Where you go, I’m going When you jump, I’m jumping There is no me without you Today of all days See how the most dangerous thing is love ✧ Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love The stars, the moon They have all been blown out You left me in the dark ✦ Ikuya ✧ Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao So like, I guess I call it the sophomore slump Always crying and always drunk A few dead, more gone, the rest well on their way Thanks! I hate it Everyone that I love is stuck Because this, that, the other, and the state fucked up We covered it in a class that I’m about to fail ✧ 100 gecs, Laura Les, Dylan Brady - Money Machine Tell me what's the deal, I've been trying to go to bed I've been up for days, I've been trying to get ahead Said it all before, and I'll say it once again I'm better off alone ✧ Halsey - Clementine Through a breakdown or a blackout Would you make out with me Cause I don’t need anyone I just need everyone and then some ✦ Hiyori ✧ Florence + The Machine - Seven Devils Holy water cannot help you now A thousand armies couldn’t keep me out I don’t want your money I don’t want your crown See I’ve come to burn your kingdom down ✧ Michael Buble - Feeling Good (Cover) It’s a new life for me This old world is a new world And a bold world for me Freedom is mine And I know how I feel I’m feeling good ✦ Asahi ✧ Sam Henshaw - Broke If I wasn’t broke Would you spend more time with me Like you said you’d do Tell me what I’m supposed to do Cause the only thing I need Is to be loved by you ✧ Mikky Ekko - Smile Smile, the worst is yet to come We’ll be lucky if we ever see the sun ✦ Aki ✧ Aly & AJ - Church I did bad things, can’t you see it on my face? I get caught in every lie I need redemption for sins I can’t mention For all the things I can’t reverse For all the places where it hurts ✧ ZZ Ward - Ghost Here the devil call out my name I’ve broken promises, burning flame God knows, darling God knows I gave Now the truth cuts like a knife ✦ Nii ✧ Of Mice and Men - My Understandings Keep in mind that I’m a sore eye With blurry vision ✧ Neoni - Outlaw They say that I’m wanted Hear the whispers in the street You better start running Cause nothing scares me Faster, faster You’re the one I’m after You built a fortress But I’ll never kiss the ring I’m my own king

✦ Gou ✧ Melanie Martinez - Lunchbox Friends We can be friends if you wanna be But only till the clock hits three I don’t want no lunchbox friends, no I want someone that binds the ends, no Come to my house, let’s die together Friendship that will last forever ✧ Maroon 5 - Come to the Water Come away little light Come away to the darkness Away from the life that you always knew Come away little lamb Come away to the water To the arms that are waiting only for you ✦ Isuzu ✧ Jessie Reyez - NO ONE’S IN THE ROOM Spent my whole life being graded, being told I’m not enough Being told go find the one and sit and wait for death to come I don’t want to I need to talk to God There’s things I just don’t understand Like who am I when no one’s in the room EMI - Bad Friends Yeah, I got some bad friends No you cannot have them If you wanna talk to them You talk to me, yeah We don’t fuck around with just anybody, yeah

✦ Takuya ✧ Imagine Dragons - Ready, Aim, Fire Off in the distance, there is resistance Bubbling up and festering Here in the casing Shaking and pacing This is the tunnel’s light Blood in the writing, stuck in the fighting Look through the rifle’s sight ✧ Billie Eilish - you should see me in a crown (acapella) Bite my tongue Bide my time Wait till the world is mine, ocean eyes Count my cards Watch them fall Blood on a marble wall You should see me in a crown I’m gonna run this nothing town Watch me make ‘em bow One by one ✦ Kinjou ✧ Urban Country - Knife and Stone Tell me, have you ever seen a mirror Mirror in the middle of the forest Just waiting for the rain or the crown I’ve been up for thirty days Someone point to lost and found Ain’t no blood in the temple Just a knife and stone

✦ Mikhail ✧ Elsie Lovelock - Friends on the Other Side (Cover) The cards, the cards The cards will tell The past, the present, and the future as well I got voodoo, I got hoodoo I got things I ain’t even tried And I got friends on the other side I hope you’re satisfied, but if you ain’t Don’t blame me You can blame my friends on the other side ✦ Ryuuji ✧ elbow - Grounds for Divorce I’ve been working on a cocktail Called Grounds for Divorce Down comes him on sticks but then he kicks like a horse There's a hole in my neighborhood Down which of late I cannot help but fall ✧ Mumford and Sons - The Enemy I am not the enemy It isn’t me, the enemy I came and I was nothing So why did you choose to lean on A man you knew was falling? ✦ Nadia ✧ Halsey - Castle (Orchestral Version) They wanna make me their queen There’s an old man Sitting on the throne Saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut I’m headed straight for the castle

THEMES: GROUPS

✦ FREEBIRD ✧ Kaleo - Way Down We Go Oh father, tell me Do we get what we deserve They will run you down Down till you fall They will run you down Down till you crawl Till you can’t crawl no more And way down we go ✦ ROUGH RABBIT ✧ Imagine Dragons - Who We Are Up on the mountain Down in the king's den It's who we are Doesn't matter if we've gone too far Doesn't matter if it's not okay Doesn't matter if it's not our day ✦ DIAMONDBACK ✧ Florence + The Machine - Bedroom Hymns This is good a place to fall as any We’ll build our alter here In the wine, the women, the bedroom hymns Such selfish prayers, I can’t get enough I’m not here looking for absolution Because I’ve found myself an old solution

✦ HONEYBLADE ✧ Megan Thee Stallion and Normani - Diamonds I love me this much My pear-shape all dripped up He want me to be a little more lady-like? Come through with my girls and beat your ass on ladies night ✦ BLOODHOUNDS ✧ Angel Haze - The Wolves Nothing left out there for me I left my fucking heart out at the sea This shit sounds like the danger zone I’m the big bad wolf Gonna take the throne

THEMES: PAIRINGS

✦ Makoto + Haruka ✧ Phoebe Bridgers - Smoke Signals One of your eyes is always half shut Something happened when you were a kid I didn’t know you then and I’ll never understand why It feels like I did ✧ Radical Face - Welcome Home Peel the scars from off my back I don’t need them anymore I’ve come home ✧ The Track Team - Heart Chakra ✧ Blackmill - Redemption ✦ Sousuke + Rin ✧ Kaleo - Bang Bang (Cover) Seasons came and changed the times I grew up, I called him mine He would always laugh and say: “Remember how we used to play? Bang, bang.” ✧ Zayn - Good Guy I’m not a good guy But I know you’re mine (bang) I know you’re mine (bang, bang) ✧ L'Orchestra Cinématique - Crazy In Love (Instrumental Cover)

✦ Natsuya + Nao ✧ Cosmo Sheldrake - The Moss But have you heard the story Of the rabbit in the moon? Halsey - Colors Your little brother never tells you But he loves you so I hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old

✦ Hiyori + Ikuya ✧ Elvis Drew - Where Are You I been trying to figure out where you from Is it the moon? Is it earth? Is it this place, where nothing is worse? Nothing can compare to the life we had My dear just grab my hand and let me take you To my wonderland ✧ Swae Lee - Sunflower Some things you just can’t refuse I’m not tryna lose

✦ Isuzu + Gou ✧ Snow Patrol - The Golden Floor I’m a peasant in your princess arms Penniless with only charm

#thomfic #free! fic #thomplaylist #thom

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not-close-to-straight · 4 years

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More Than Words (Twenty Four)

Ohhh this chapter is sad, but honestly the scene with Johnny is beautiful. TW for mentions of depression/Peter coping by way of too many pills. Just basically what you’d expect after last chapter. Tissues are needed.

MTW MASTERLIST HERE

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Three months later…

Afterwards, after everything, after mysteriously appearing at Haven Mercy Hospital and being lost unconscious for most of two weeks, after the panic and anxiety and screaming, after repeated sedation and psychological evaluations, after multiple prescriptions for pain pills and sleep aids and mood stabilizers--

--afterwards, even three months afterwards, Peter just never quite recovered.

The Omega had always been lean, but afterwards Peter couldn’t seem to put on weight at all. His cheekbones stayed sharply defined, his collarbone oddly prominent beneath his shirts. His wrists were fragile, skinny jeans loose at his waist, and the dusting of freckles across his nose stark against skin that stayed pale no matter how often his friends came along to drag him out into the winter sun.

The aches and pains from his ordeal lingered far longer than they should have, and the Omega compensated with prescription level narcotics to keep himself numb. And If he wasn’t numb then Peter was angry, sharp and caustic and swinging between furious that Cable had ruined his life and devastated thinking about Wade left alone without him.

It wreaked havoc on his mind to be so constantly close to out of control, so Peter took dose after dose of the stabilizers to keep himself steady and empty and disassociated from it all.

Once he was numb and steady, the Omega was only ever tired, but nightmares were a constant companion since leaving the hospital so Peter took the sleeping pills every night before passing out comatose in his bed so he could make it till morning.

Numb. Empty. Exhausted.

The world was dull, extra strength blockers muting the Omega to the emotions or scent of anyone who passed by, extra strength suppressants keeping him so far past blank that other Omega’s stopped in the street and stared at him in shock, Alphas started to go out of their way to understand why such a pretty Omega scented so pale but then turned and left again when they caught sight of the empty in Peter’s eyes.

This new reality was far away from the giddy happiness that had been days with his Alpha, the drugging lust of unbridled moments when touches grew careless and kisses grew sharp, the hazy beauty of trust and love and adoration sank deep into dark red eyes…

This was so far away from everything and the thought never failed to make Peter’s mood dive, to make his body ache as if grief left physical bruises, to bring his nightmares back around into vivid focus.

But the pain pills helped. The mood stabilizers helped. The sleep aids helped. And the Omega refilled the prescriptions as often as allowed and took the pills all together so he didn’t have to go a single moment without something to shield his heart and soul from the mate sickness tearing ragged edges at his sanity.

The award money from the expose against Justin Hammer paid the bills, and even though Peter had been offered several different jobs and several glowing recommendations both from his former boss at the Bugle and Tony Stark himself, the Omega turned every opportunity down.

He didn’t have to work quite yet and he didn’t want to work maybe ever again, so the Omega simply didn’t.

He simply didn’t.

The Omega didn’t do much of anything, really. It was a miserable winter in New York so most reasons for wanting to stay home were at least partially credible. His reasons for avoiding going to the movies or out for dinner with his friends and May were less credible, but everyone tried to be patient, tried to be understanding, tried to give Peter the benefit of the doubt and all the time he needed to work past whatever had happened.

They didn’t really know what had happened of course. Doctor Grey had assured May that Peter’s hurt hadn’t been everything awful like they’d initially feared but she couldn’t-- or wouldn’t-- say more than that.

Nobody knew and Peter wasn’t inclined to say much of anything anymore, much less to talk about his time away, so May never pushed but only offered, “I’m here if you want to talk, Peter.” and his friends acted as if nothing was wrong, acted like he was being a cranky Omega and just needed a little bit of time to get over it.

From a doctor’s standpoint, neither approach was ideal but on the days Peter felt anything at all, he felt a little grateful for people who loved him and tried.

Gwen and Mary Jane came over at least once a week to bring Peter food and invade his space by way of cuddles and movie marathons. Mary Jane would snuggle close into Peter’s side and purr into his ear, rub her cheek into his shoulder and try to share her muted scent with the other Omega, giving comfort by way of shared biologies and the knowing that sometimes only an Omega could understand how someone else was hurting.

Gwen’s approach was more along the lines of loving bullying, the Alpha pushing and prodding and practically manhandling Peter up against her body until they were plastered together on the couch, or hauling Pete’s lean frame right on her lap and hand feeding him whatever food they’d brought along, growling and teasing and being as obnoxious an Alpha as she dared until the Omega would finally, reluctantly eat.

Harry came over more often than the girls did, the instinct to protect an Omega he loved over-riding the other responsibilities in his life. The best thing about being Norman Osborn’s son was a guaranteed paycheck and position at the company whether he was physically present or not, and Harry took full advantage of the privilege.

Some mornings he brought along the newspaper and a new book for Peter and cajoled the Omega outside and at least down to a little cafe for breakfast, other times he dropped by for lunch with a stack of applications for internships or jobs he thought Peter would be interested in. Every once in a while he’d get the Omega out of the house after dark for a movie or even just a walk through the park to look at the stars and Peter always smiled a little bit those nights, smiled and one time even stood on his toes to give Harry a very soft kiss on the cheek.

Johnny only came by a few times, once or twice with the girls where he sat awkwardly in the other chair and watched as Gwen and MJ chatted amiably about their days while brushing at Peter’s hair and fussing about his clothes, and once or twice with Harry when they went for lunch or a walk. The Alpha was withdrawn and quiet, never quite looking at Peter but unable to look away all at the same time.

If Peter were healthy and normal and whole he might push Johnny up to a wall and demand to know what was wrong, why the Alpha was being weird, or he might even cry and ask why Johnny hadn't come to the hospital.

But the Omega wasn’t healthy and normal and whole so he ignored his friend and kept his very limited energy focused on the people that were actively trying to engage him, not the person who couldn't seem to find anything to say, the person who seemed content to let ten years of friendship fade away because Peter had been gone.

“How’s Johnny?” May would ask when she called every single night, and every single night Peter answered, “He’s fine, Auntie. He’s fine and I’m fine and we’re all-- we’re all fine.”

And it was a lie, it was always a lie. Peter wasn’t fine and his friends weren’t fine and nothing about anything was fine.

It was a lie, and as the days out of the hospital turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, the prescriptions got refilled and the curtains stayed drawn and Peter sank further and further into himself. He cancelled plans and turned down invitations and snapped at the girls when they came in uninvited, dodged Harry’s attempts at drawing him out and the few times that Johnny looked up and met his eyes, Peter simply looked away.

He was tired and he couldn’t pretend otherwise anymore.

He was tired, but May and Gwen and MJ and Harry and Johnny didn’t seem to get it, because every time the Omega cancelled plans yet again, they just made a date for later and tried again.

Again and again and again.

And again and again and again until Peter quit answering the door and started avoiding their calls.

“Leave me alone.” he whispered to his phone as it rang shrill in the silent apartment, the screen over bright and noise jarring. It was Gwen or it was Mary Jane, it was May or it was Harry, it wouldn’t be Johnny but it was maybe Doctor Grey calling to check on him and the Omega couldn’t do it any more.

“Please just leave me alone.”

****************

“Peter, you should come for dinner tonight. I’m inviting the neighbor across the street, do you remember her? Her grandson Flash used to go to school with you and Gwen ages ago. He’s home from the military and--”

“I’m already in bed, May.” Peter could hardly lift his head from the pillow, the sedatives running drugged and lethargic through his system. “Maybe another time.”

“...I’m worried about you, Peter.” the Alpha whispered. “It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you, love. Have you thought any more about coming to stay with me? We could move you out of that place over a weekend and you could just come home with me.”

“M’fine, Auntie.”

“No you’re not.”

“No.” the phone slipped from the Omega’s hand and clattered on the floor as he fell into thankfully dreamless sleep. “No m’not.”

****************

“Pete?” One windy, awful day Johnny let himself into Peter’s apartment and called for the Omega. “Pete are you-- it’s Johnny. I um-- I knocked but you didn’t answer so I used my key.”

There was no answer, and the Alpha took another step into the entry way. “Pete? Are you home?”

“M’here.” Peter was sat on the floor in the very middle of his living room, fingers clenched into the shaggy carpet, back ram rod straight, face washed bloodless and frightened. “Johnny, I’m here.”

“Hey hey hey.” Johnny shucked away his scarf and hurried to kneel at Peter’s side, three months of awkwardness dissolving in an instant as protect won out over uncertain in the Alpha’s core. “What’s going on? Pete? What happened, what happened?”

He pried the Omega’s fingers out of the rug and rubbed them between his palms, blowing gently to try and warm him up. “It’s freezing in here, honey. How long have you been sitting in the cold? Is your heater working?”

“Dunno.” Peter shook his head. “Dunno how long I’ve been here. How long have you been here? Has my door been open the entire time?”

“...no.” Johnny cursed under his breath when he got a peek into Peter’s glazed eyes. “No, Pete. Your door’s only open cos I came through a minute ago. What happened? What is going on with you?”

“I got in a taxi. Told him to take me to the movie theater.” It was outright eerie how Peter talked these days, as if he was reciting memorized facts, like he’d told himself the story over and over before telling anyone else. “Haven’t left the house in four days, thought it was time. We drove eight blocks, maybe nine and then a big truck changed lanes too quickly and we almost crashed.”

“Shit, that’s scary.” the Alpha inched closer so he could rub at Peter’s shoulders too. “You’re alright though? Nobody got hurt and you made it home. Everything’s okay?”

“I panicked.” Peter said dully. “Started screaming, pretty sure I started screaming. There was a lot of noise and I don’t usually hear much noise. Guess it was me. Must have been me, right? I must have been screaming.”

He was unfocused, staring, and missed the way Johnny grimaced away from the monotone words. “I told the cab driver to take me home, told him to take me back and he brought me here instead so I just-- I just sat down. You came in. I’m freezing.”

“Yeah, yeah you’re practically frozen solid.” Johnny pushed back all his questions and worry about Peter panicking, ignored the nagging feeling of unease when the Omega referred to his apartment as here instead of home, and focused instead on getting Peter warm. “Come on, come here with me. Nice hot shower and I’ll get you some food, alright? Thai food from that place down the way you like so much. How many egg rolls do you want?”

“I’m not hungry.” Peter was awkwardly pliant as Johnny got him to his feet and helped him down the hall, almost limp as the Alpha yanked his shirt up over his head and then his jeans down and off as well. He’d never been much of a shy Omega, not around his friends, not around the people he knew and loved and trusted, but it was awkward how Peter just stood there and let Johnny get him nearly naked without protest. “Not-- not hungry.”

“Sure you are.” the Alpha kept his eyes on Peter’s face and forced a cheerful smile. “We’re due for a lunch date anyway, right? It’s about time I start helping out, sorry I’ve been MIA but I’m here now and we can get warm and then we’ll eat and then we can talk and then--”

“I’m not hungry.” The Omega said again and this time he sounded exhausted. “Just tired. Cold. Will you shower with me?”

Before everything, Johnny would have jumped at the chance to shower with the pretty Omega. Lathering shampoo into Peter’s thick hair and getting his hands to wash down that gorgeous body was the sort of thing every Alpha dreamed about, especially an Alpha that had been half in love with the Omega Peter Parker since he’d been old enough to know what love was.

Before everything, Johnny would have made an absolute fool of himself clambering into the shower and grabbing the Omega up tight, but this was after everything and the Alpha couldn’t think about all the things he’d wanted to do with Peter someday.

After everything, all Johnny could think about was how small Peter looked with his hair too long and curling by his ears, shaggy and stringy and falling into empty brown eyes, and how Peter’s hands shook as he reached for Johnny’s belt and the way that damn ring looked so big and out of place on the Omega’s slim fingers.

“Peter...” he started lamely, uselessly. “Maybe I’m not the best person to--”

“Where have you been, Johnny?” the Omega asked softly, and guilt rose bitter in the back of Johnny’s throat. “You didn’t come to the hospital, don’t have anything to say if you come around with everyone else. I don’t want to see anyone but at least at first I would’a liked to see you. Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry.” There were a whole lot of things the Alpha should have said right then, but all he could manage was, “I’m sorry. I-- I’m here now though, Pete. If you want me to stay.”

“I’m cold.” Came the simple answer, and In the small bathroom it was more obvious than ever how Peter didn’t scent of anything these days, not honeysuckle and lavender, not even panic and heartbreak and pain. His scent was blank like his eyes and expression were blank and Johnny felt the emptiness like a knife to the gut.

“I can keep you warm.” the words were out in the air between them before the Alpha had even fully decided to say it. “I-- I can keep you warm, Pete.”

The shower was barely big enough for the both of them, so Johnny held Peter tight up against his body, cuddling the Omega over his heart and wrapping his arms around the frightfully thin frame. “Such a sad Omega.” he whispered when Peter shivered and tried to curl closer. “So many bad things for such a pretty, perfect Omega to go through. M’so sorry, Pete. So sorry. C’mere love, right here, c’mere.”

The Alpha kept up a steady litany of sweet nothings as they stood beneath the water, picking up shampoo and working it gently through the Omega’s hair, sweeping the bubbles over Peter’s skin and down his back until they swirled away down the drain. They didn’t need to talk-- or rather, they did need to talk but not right this second-- and Johnny didn’t think he could handle hearing Peter lie about being fine, so he stayed whispering quiet comfort and careful touches until the shower ran cold and it was time to get out.

He left the Omega swathed in a thick towel and then dried himself off and jogged for his phone. An order into the Thai place Peter liked so much meant Johnny would hopefully have an easier time getting the Omega to eat and if Peter would eat then they could maybe talk and Johnny could stop feeling like he was going to lose his mind.

“Hey sweetheart.” he set his phone down when Peter came shuffling into the living room wrapped in a threadbare blanket. “Let me get you some clothes, alright? I already turned up the heat but you can’t be warm in just that blanket so I’ll get you some pajamas. Give me a sec, okay?”

“What are you doing here, Johnny?” Peter sounded more alert, though his eyes were still dull and tone flat. “I’ve only seen you a few times in the last three months, why the hell are you showing up and showering with me and calling me honey. What are you doing?”

The Alpha swallowed uncomfortably. “I ordered some food, Pete. Why don't we eat and then we can talk?″

“Tell me why you’re here, or get the hell out.” Peter interrupted, a flash of anger in his eyes that was there and gone in less than a blink. “I’m tired. And I’m cold. And I wanna sleep. Don’t have the energy to entertain anyone today or listen to half ass apologies or-- or pity.”

There it was again, anger extinguished almost as soon as it sparked. “Why are you here?”

“... I’m sorry I didn’t come see you in the hospital.” Johnny began slowly, haltingly, sinking down into a chair opposite the couch and clasping his hands between his knees. “I should’ve been there. They weren’t letting any of us back to see you except Mary Jane and when I heard why they thought seeing an Alpha might-- might bother you, I couldn’t handle it. I ran. Didn’t want to be there.”

Peter only blinked at him, and the Alpha cursed his own weakness before continuing, “Wish I could say I was strong enough to handle it like Gwen and Harry were but I kept thinking about you hurt and it made me throw up every time. Eventually I figured I’d only upset you if I came around and I didn’t want to do that. I know everyone thinks I’m an asshole for leaving you alone but--”

Johnny spread his hands helplessly. “--I’m here now, okay? I’m here.”

Peter didn’t reply, and Johnny nodded in weary understanding. “It’s not enough, I know. Too little, too late. But I just, I gotta say something Pete and I want you to let me get all the way through it before you reply or yell at me or throw me out, alright? Can I-- can I ask that?”

“Ask whatever you want.” Peter burrowed back further into the blanket, playing idly with the ring loose around his finger. “Everyone sorta says what they want these days anyway. Go ahead.”

It was permission but it was also a tiny bit bitter and the Alpha hesitated for a moment. “Um-- okay. Okay here we go. I know you and I aren’t as close as you and MJ are, and I know you’ve got more history with Harry and Gwen than with me. But I--” Johnny cleared his throat. “I love you just as much as they do. I know I’ve been gone and that’s real shitty of me, but I love you Pete, I do.”

The Omega twitched uncomfortably, and Johnny rushed on before he lost his nerve, “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened and shit, I dunno if I could handle hearing it but I’m not stupid, Pete. You’re barely functioning, your neck is all scarred up, you don’t scent like nothing anymore and that’s all mate sickness. I know it is. The lady doctor told us you weren’t hurt the way we--”

The Alpha’s eyes flickered red in distress, and Peter looked away. “--the way we all thought you’d been, but you were still hurt and it's killing me. I hate thinking about you sitting here alone and-- and sad and I just-- okay you know what? I’m just gonna say it.”

Johnny dug his fingers into his legs in an attempt to ground himself, and blurted, “Pete. I want to bond with you.”

The Omega made a horrified sort of noise that cut deep deep into Johnny’s heart but he ignored the pain and the way Peter jerked away from him as if terrified, and hurried to finish-- “I just mean a platonic bond, Omega. Nothing romantic, nothing like that. I love you and we’ve had great heats in the past so we know we are compatible at least that way and once it was over, once the mating heat passed I wouldn’t ask anything from you, Pete. Nothing. Ever. Not regular, uh, sexy things and not even your other heats if you wanted to work through them alone.”

“Johnny.”

“I’m not asking you to play house Omega with me.” The words tumbled out faster and faster now. “You could move in with me if you wanted cos I’ve got an extra bedroom or you could stay here or move in with May or do whatever you want. The only way to fix this, to keep you from hurting this bad is another bond and Pete, I’d platonic bond with my best friend-- with you-- in a second to save you.”

“Johnny--!”

“No questions asked, Pete.” the Alpha looked like he might be close to breaking down, distress forcing it’s way through his blockers and soaking his scent gray. “You don’t have to tell me anything, or give me anything or owe me anything. You tell me ‘yes’ and we’ll take care of it right now so you can move on past all this. You tell me ‘no’ and I’ll drop it right now and never say it again. I promise. Pete, I promise.”

“No.” The thought of mating with anyone other than his Alpha made Peter’s heart wrench in two. “Johnny, no. I-- I can’t. I can’t.”

Silence in the room, and for a long minute the Omega thought Johnny would get angry and demand an explanation, for a longer minute he thought the Alpha might actually cry, but Johnny didn’t do either of those things.

The Alpha only looked away to gather himself, and then cleared his throat, “Okay. The offer is here if you want it, alright? Any time. I love you, Pete.”

“I love you too.” Barely even a whisper, and Peter tried to smile but it was awful and not enough to fill the void that had so suddenly ripped open between the two friends. “Johnny, I love you. And you’re a good Alpha. But I can’t. I can’t.”

“Okay.” Johnny said again, and got to his feet. “Okay that’s-- I um, I ordered food, alright? It’s already paid for and all you’ll have to do is sign for it. I’m gonna go before I mess things up anymore, so I’ll see you around, yeah? Next time Harry comes or maybe when MJ shows up or maybe when Gwen convinces us all to do something stupid like roller skate or--”

“I’m already bonded, Johnny!” Peter wasn’t really sure why he went ahead and nearly shouted it, but the truth was there now and Johnny froze mid step, expression washing with disbelief. “And it’s not-- it’s not a trauma bond okay? I wasn’t scared or searching for stability after something terrible, I wasn’t coerced into anything, I’m bonded. Mated. And that’s why I can’t-- I can’t with you. I can’t do it.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t a trauma bond?” Johnny didn’t sit back down quite yet, but he didn’t reach for his scarf and coat either. “What else could it be, Pete? I don’t-- I don’t understand.”

“Everyone thinks my Alpha hurt me.” Fury, snapping in Peter’s eyes for a split second. “They keep saying things like forced and Stockholm Syndrome as if my Alpha is capable of doing anything besides taking care of me and loving me and keeping me safe. All my mate ever did was try to keep me safe and I wanted to rip the doctor’s throats out for talking about my Alpha like he was some sort of a monster.”

“...your mate.” This time the Alpha did sit down, eyes wide and wondering. “Pete, are you telling me that while you were gone you found your mate?”

“We scent matched.” It felt so good to tell the truth, so good to finally talk and the admission ran honey warm through Peter’s veins. “My suppressants bled out for some reason--” time travel. “--and I knew him more certainly than I’d ever known anyone or anything before in my life.”

“You scent matched.” Johnny repeated. “I didn’t know that was a real thing anymore.”

“I didn’t either.” the Omega whispered. “But we are soulmates, me and my Alpha. Scent matched and bonded and my mark--” he touched the scars reverently. “I wasn’t with him long enough to have a mating heat but that doesn’t change that we’re bonded. Meant to be together. I’m his and he is--”

It felt like a prayer, like a confession, something sacred and beautiful and meant to be hushed, so Peter lowered his voice even more, “-- he is mine. I’m his and he is mine and it’s so much more than those words, I can’t explain it, Johnny. I can’t explain it.”

“The ring--”

“His. He made it for me.”

“But how did you end up in the hospital? Why were you unconscious for so long? If this was soulmates and true love then where is your Alpha?” Johnny didn’t mean to sound upset, truth be told he was relieved through to his very core that Peter could tell him it was love and not trauma, but he was upset all the same. “Where is your Alpha and why is he letting you suffer like this? It’s been months, Pete! Where is he!”

“...I don’t know how to find him.” And just like that, the smile was gone from Peter’s face, the warmth leeching from his body and leaving him shaking, shivering, eyes gone flat and dull again. “We are mates but somehow we aren't meant to be together so we-- we aren’t. We can’t be together so I’m here and he’s-- he’s out there.”

“Oh, Pete.”

“I’m here and my mate is somewhere out there.” Peter said again, motioning listlessly to the air. “And I don’t know how to find my way back to him. I miss him, Johnny. Every single day. Every single minute. I didn’t know I could grieve like this and still survive, but here I am anyway, whether I want to be or not. Grieving and surviving even if I don’t want to be.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“This is the first time I’e been able to say it out loud without breaking down.” the Omega dug his fingers into his hair and tugged at the damp strands. “I dunno if that means I’m healing or-- or if I’m finally numb enough that it doesn’t hurt so bad. Dunno which would be better.”

“Such a sad Omega.” Offer to bond swept aside, misgivings and worry and guilt over his own shortcomings as a friend pushed away, Johnny moved to sit next to the Omega, gathered Peter’s thin frame up into his arms and hugged him close. “Oh such a sad Omega, so so sorry honey. So sorry. Sweet pretty thing, so much sad for such a perfect Omega--”

Peter tried to laugh hearing the Alpha talk that way, but it caught over a sob and turned right into tears and Johnny only held him tighter, crooning into his ear and rumbling quiet comfort into his skin for a long long time.

It wasn’t all the way the truth, Peter had said nothing about time travel and one hundred and four days and mutants, but he could say something about his mate and it felt like maybe the steel bands at his chest loosened enough to let the him breathe a tiny bit.

And later after the food had come and Peter had managed a few bites, the Omega looked up and asked, “You would have platonic bonded with me to save me?”

“In a heartbeat.” Johnny broke an egg roll in half and handed half to Peter. “Still would if you really wanted me to.”

“But you’d be stuck with me.” Peter pointed out. “Couldn’t get a real mate or move on with your life and get married. Even if you wanted to keep hooking up with random people, they’d see the silver mark on your neck and know you’re bonded. No one sleeps with someone who is bonded, you wouldn’t even be able to date anymore.”

“There’s worse things out there than to be bonded to my best friend, Pete.” Johnny leaned over and lay a very sweet, very chaste kiss on the Omega’s lips. “You want me to stay the night tonight? We could watch bad shark movies and if you feel up to it, you could tell me more about your mate.”

“I could handle a bad shark movie.” Peter decided and the, ‘I can’t handle talking more about my mate’ went unspoken between them. “Thank you, Johnny. You’re-- you’re a good Alpha.”

“We’ll figure this out, Pete.” the Alpha tried hard to keep the worry from his tone and from his scent as he offered Peter another bite of rice. “I promise, okay? We’ll figure it out.”

***************

It was easier after talking with Johnny.

Or maybe not easier, because nothing was easier and everything was still miserable but it was… it was less after talking with Johnny. Being able to say that he was mated, that he was bonded and in love with his Alpha was a relief and some days Peter felt like maybe he was edging towards coping.

Out of all his friends, Johnny would be the one not to ask questions, the one to simply accept what he was told and move on from it. Peter didn’t have to try and justify how he’d fallen in love in what everyone thought was two weeks, he didn’t have to explain the nightmares or why it was taking so long to recover. Johnny was relieved just to know and in the days following the Alpha’s platonic proposal, Peter found himself hiding a little less, withdrawing a little less, being numb just a little less now that he knew someone had at least a piece of the truth.

So one day when Mary Jane stopped by with arms full of groceries and that patented, beautiful smile that promised everything would be okay, Peter actually opened the door before she had to use her key and when the pretty Omega quietly suggested they all go out for dinner to celebrate Gwen’s recent promotion, Peter actually agreed.

“Really?” Mary Jane’s green eyes widened in delight. “Pete! She’ll be so happy, oh my gosh! Everyone’s going and we’ll have so much fun, it will be just like old times!”

Nothing would ever be just like old times and MJ didn’t mean anything by it of course, so Peter swallowed back the urge to flinch and run and pasted a focused, cheerful smile on his face as she badgered him into the shower to get clean and fussed through combing his hair back out of his eyes and exclaimed loudly over the state of his clothing before finally settling on something that hung at least somewhat flattering on Peter’s still too thin frame.

It was almost worth the mild panic attack over being out in public to see the way Harry grinned at him and to hear the excited whoop as Gwen flung herself into Peter’s arms and tried to squeeze the life from him. The Alpha was gorgeous tonight, dressed up and glammed out with hair done and jewelry sparkling and smile lit to mega watt as she screeched in excitement about her new job and all the perks and the uptick in her bank account and how happy she was to be celebrating with all her friends.

“Alright?” Johnny pressed close for a long hug and murmured into Peter’s ear, crooning comfortingly when Peter clung a little too tight. “Hard to be out with everyone?”

“Dunno the last time we did this.” Peter’s smile was practiced and forced, his tone purposefully cheerfully and eyes wide to combat the exhaustion sinking in around his nerves. He’d forgone the usual several sleep aids today so he’d be awake and present for Gwen’s big night but after so long dependent on the pills he still felt slow, lethargic, as if the entire world was moving just a half step too fast and he couldn’t quite keep up.

“You need to leave, you let me know.” the Alpha murmured and Peter nodded gratefully before pulling away.

The evening wasn’t all bad. Someone popped the cork on a bottle of champagne and Peter nearly cracked his glass when he jumped, applause and the Happy Birthday chorus from further back in the restaurant abruptly brought to mind the fact that Peter didn’t even know his Alphas birthday and he had to clear his throat several times to get rid of the sorrow that clouded up behind his eyes.

The evening wasn’t all bad, he managed to laugh a few times over Gwen’s hilarity and the champagne ticked not unpleasantly and what little Peter ate tasted expensive going down.

The evening wasn’t all bad.

The worst moment came as Harry finished giving Gwen a toast, glasses raised and smiles bright as he congratulated their friend on her promotion, promised to definitely take advantage of the discounts she was going to get as senior staff and teased the other Alpha about finally moving out of her tiny apartment and into a real place like a real adult--

---the worst moment came just then, when Peter was struggling to stay focused amid all the noise and all the chatter, anxiety doubling up beneath his chest and making it hard to focus, his head swimming with all the sensory input after months of self imposed isolation and drug dulled hours--

--the worst moment came as the Alpha at the table next to them got to his knees and opened a ring box with a flourish, showing off a diamond glinting beneath the festive lights as he professed his love for his Omega in deep tones and flowery phrases, promising to love her forever, promising to cherish her forever, promising infinity if she would be his.

And that was the very worst moment, as the suppressants and blockers bled from Peter’s system abruptly to make way for soul deep grief that burst sour and spoiled into the air, lavender and honeysuckle tinging bright for just a second before it drowned beneath the weighted black of sheer despair and Johnny turned to his side and vomited onto the floor as the scent of hopelessness and fear rolled from the Omega and poisoned the atmosphere in the room.

Gwen gagged and Harry had to turn away as desperate Omega clogged their senses and and fogged their mind and Mary Jane reached out for Peter with a frightened cry but the Omega was already on his feet and running away, stumbling over his feet and knocking into tables and he tried to get outside and away.

The cabbie had seen his fair share of compromised passengers, but tonight he thanked his lucky stars he was a Beta and only partly susceptible to the misery hanging around the half coherent Omega in his back seat. The scent was still potent enough to make him nauseous though, and when they finally made it to the apartment building and the distraught Omega stumbled out, the Beta turned his sign off for a few minutes and lurched from the cab so he could try and breathe again.

The bottle of sleeping pills rattled in Peter’s hands as he tried to open it, the cap tearing off and medication scattering everywhere alongside the pain pills he’d tried to open just a minute before and Peter stared at the mess in horror for a full minute before another wave of sickness hit him hard and he went down to his knees, pushing his forehead into the floor and screaming.

Across town, May grabbed for her phone when it rang with Peter’s number, ignoring the missed calls from Harry, from Gwen, from Johnny and Mary Jane so she could ask, “Peter? Sweetheart are you alright? What’s going on? What’s going on?!”

“I miss my mate.” Peter was sobbing, choking, the words muffled because he couldn’t manage to lift his head long enough to talk clearly. “Auntie, I miss my mate. I miss my Alpha. I want to go home. I want to go home.”

And May slid down the wall to sit on the floor, phone pressed close to her ear and hand over her eyes as she cried right along with her nephew.

I want to go home.

Oh sweetheart, I know. I know.

I’m so so sorry.

So so sorry.

******************

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHAPTER

Hey! We broke 160k with this chapter which makes MTW officially my second longest single fic after PH! And we aren’t done yet! Holla!

Also, for anyone who wants to know, there is a very specific reason why we are only seeing Peter’s side of the story right now, but once we start seeing Wade’s side of the story, it will all make sense!

******************

@ships-galore @ceealaina @izziebladez @cwar1864 @hausoffro @lookuplaughing @tonystarkisanangel @multishippinglife @girlnic @iam93percentstardust @water-colouredmemories @paranormalmoonlight5 @igotloki @moosette05 @wayward-student-philosopher @kaz-brekkers-gloves @atomicfandombomb @ricecakeandhoney @ardatlily @fawnandgays @bluedreamdino @bibbarnes @blackstar1602 @hi-inevitable-im-deadpool @scientifically-lesbian-jesus @the-pagely-gun-slinger @oshuncheyenne @the-dragonwolf-den @pumpkin-spidey @sozvuchiy @cappunico @tired-dragons01 @chiby-chan @ahumoki0 @kanizsacollage @tulipsnbigcats @hiddenaurora @notchronicle24 @marvels-gurl @iridescent-idiot @badndbourgeoisie @eversomniator @local1dreamer @loveisblindwade @ssssssssssssssssssssslytherin @theunwantedomega

#ncts fics #spideypool #peter parker #wade wilson #time travel au #abo dynamics #soulmate au #gwen stacy #mary jane watson #harry osborn #johnny storm #may parker

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trombonesinspace · 4 years

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Typhoid Mary: feminist femme fatale?

“Season 4 was going to be Typhoid Mary, Alice Eve [who played the role in Iron Fist], we were doing a kind of...I had a much different version of her than what Raven [Metzner] had done in Iron Fist. I was kind of rebooting what she was going to be like, and we were going to do a, you know, kind of a warped love story/murder mystery kind of femme fatale, but kind of a modern-day, feminist version of it, as opposed to kind of the older, sexist kind of femme fatale archetype.”

-Erik Oleson, in conversation with Steven DeKnight, SaveDaredevilCon

As I said yesterday, I have some thoughts about this! If you want some opinions nobody asked for, about a storyline that may never come to pass, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s dive in.

A femme fatale is a character type with quite a history, that can take various forms. She is always an attractive woman who brings ruin to the man who gets involved with her. But sometimes she is deliberately manipulative, while sometimes she is more a victim of circumstances. She may be evil, or she may be sympathetic/tragic. But whatever her moral alignment, she has two defining traits: sexual allure, and some form of negative consequences for the hero as a result of his involvement with her.

A woman who schemes against the hero, and succeeds in harming him, but without using feminine wiles? Not a femme fatale. The Marvel TV universe has featured several examples on different shows: Madame Gao, Mariah Dillard, Alexandra. And, ironically, the version of Typhoid Mary who appeared in Iron Fist. (We’ll get there.)

A sexy woman who tries to manipulate/damage the hero, but fails? Also not a femme fatale. I wish I could give some examples, but sadly I can’t think of any, in dramas at least. Our current media culture loves a sexy manipulator, no writer ever seems to introduce one into a dramatic story without making her succeed in her schemes, to some extent at least.

Which is unfortunate, from my perspective, because I loathe sexy manipulators. It’s a character type I really dislike, whenever I encounter her. As soon as she shows up, I know the hero is going to fall for her bullshit like a chump, and I’m going to end up respecting him less as a result. I could try to unpack my feelings about this a bit more, but that would probably make a post all on its own, so for now I’ll leave it at that.

This doesn’t mean I hate all femmes fatales—it really depends on her motivation and her behavior. If she isn’t trying to harm the hero, and it happens due to circumstances, then I might like the character, but the story becomes a tragedy. Which is not necessarily bad. Just, you know. Tragic.

Anyway! Let’s talk about Typhoid Mary.

Mary Walker is a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities), and high-level combat skills. In the comics, she is also a mutant with mental powers. She appeared in the Daredevil comics starting in 1988.

In this original version, her personality fragmented due to childhood abuse, leading her to vow as an adult that no man would ever hurt her again. Her personalities are: Mary, who is timid and gentle; Typhoid, who is adventurous, lusty, and violent; and Bloody Mary, who is even more violent, sadistic, and hates all men.

Mary becomes romantically involved with Matt Murdock, who is cheating on his girlfriend, Karen Page, to be with her. At the same time, Typhoid is trying to ruin him, having been hired to do so by the Kingpin. Matt can’t tell they’re the same woman, because when she switches personalities all her bio signs change (voice, scent, heartbeat, etc) so much that he can’t recognize her. (Uh, sure.) She may also be using some of her mutant powers to confuse his senses. I haven’t read the comics, I’m relying here on what I could learn from the internet.

Eventually Typhoid drops him off a bridge, but then Mary finds him and gets him to a hospital, saving him. Karen is with him when he wakes up, but he breaks her heart by calling out for Mary.

This storyline...does not thrill me. As I said, I haven’t read it, but comics writing about mental illness is generally neither nuanced nor accurate, and comics writing about women circa 1988 is also not great, by today’s standards. And comics Matt’s disastrous love life is legendary—cheating on your girlfriend is bad, Matt! Don’t do it!

I have, however, watched season 2 of Iron Fist, where we get a different version. This Mary Walker is a US army veteran, special ops, who was captured by the Sokovian military. Her personality fragmented due to the brutal abuse she received from her captors for nearly two years, until she finally escaped. She got a medical discharge from the army after being diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Her personalities are: Mary, who is innocent and naive; and Walker, who is a ruthless, coolly efficient mercenary-for-hire. The existence of a third, ultraviolent personality, previously unknown to either Mary or Walker, is revealed near the end of the season.

Mary meets and befriends Danny Rand, while Walker is hired by his enemies to stalk him, and eventually capture him so they can steal his Iron Fist powers from him. She later changes sides, getting hired to bring down Davos, the season’s main villain, by Joy Meachum, his former ally.

There are clear parallels to the Daredevil comics storyline, albeit in less extreme form—Mary befriends the hero, but isn’t romantically involved with him; her more violent personality works against him and fights him, but doesn’t try to destroy him.

I enjoyed this version of the character more than I expected to, for a couple of reasons. For one, she is never the out of control, “crazy” stereotype of a person with mental illness. Both Mary and Walker are more-or-less functional adults, managing to live a strange hybrid life, aware of each other’s existence even though they don’t share memories.

But what I especially like is that she isn’t sexualized, at all. It’s incredibly rare, in my experience, to see a young, female antagonist opposing a male hero, and not have her be sexy. Older women are exempt from this obligation (see my list of examples above), but the young ones always vamp it up, and I am so tired of it. I am not opposed to sexy women, but I am very opposed to the requirement that all women must be sexy. (Unless they’re old.) Male antagonists aren’t required to be alluring, so why should women be? (Yes, I know why. I just don’t like it.)

There’s also a lot of potential YIKES in sexualizing a woman with a severe mental illness, which was caused by (among other things) repeated sexual violence. Could it be done in a way that isn’t super problematic? It’s possible, sure. Am I assuming that most television writers would give the subject the respect it deserves? NOPE!

I’m really glad they chose to just not go there. Walker is extremely good at what she does, takes no shit from anyone, and (almost) never gets riled up. After everything she’s been through, nothing in her present life has the power to faze her, and none of the men around her have the power to intimidate her. It’s pretty great!

She isn’t the least bit coy or seductive, and, equally refreshing, none of the men try to sexualize her or hit on her. Everyone Walker talks to knows she is a highly skilled professional, and they treat her accordingly. Or, when someone does disrespect her, it’s never gendered as far as I can remember, and it stops as soon as she calmly states what she’s going to do to him if it doesn’t.

As for Mary, although she has a more feminine appearance than Walker (hair down and loose, makeup), she is also not sexualized. Her friendship with Danny, who is in an established relationship with Colleen Wing, is platonic, and no one else tries to hit on her that I remember.

So this is the version of Typhoid Mary that Erik Oleson was going to reboot, into a femme fatale. Only, you know. A feminist one.

I...have some questions. What does that even mean? What does feminism mean to Erik Oleson? Let’s be real, the idea of a woman becoming an ultraviolent, sadistic man-hater as a result of sexual trauma would have been seen as feminist in some circles, back in 1988 when that version was written. So what, exactly, did he have in mind?

As I said before, sexual allure is a necessary component of a femme fatale. So she was definitely gonna be sexy. And you know now how I feel about sexy female antagonists. As for the “warped love story” part...Matt wouldn’t be cheating on Karen, since they aren’t together (please, for the love of mercy, don’t have them get together right before he meets Mary, we did that once and I do NOT want to see it again), but I am still not a fan of Matt/Mary as a couple.

Her Dissociative Identity Disorder raises some serious issues around consent, and even if the show chose to ignore that, there’s still the issue of past sexual trauma. Unless Oleson’s reworking of the character was going to include a completely different back story, a Matt/Mary relationship would mean Matt unknowingly having sex with a woman who has suffered brutal sexual abuse in her past. Not to mention, having sex with her that only one part of her personality actually wants.

Is it possible for someone with Mary’s past trauma and present mental illness to have a positive sexual relationship? In reality, of course! In the hands of writers with only a layman’s knowledge of psychology, on a show that loves to torment its hero, I wouldn’t bet on it. How do you suppose our poster boy for Catholic guilt would react when he inevitably finds out the truth?

Plus, aside from any issues around Mary herself, Matt starting a relationship with anyone other than the handful of people who already know his secret identity, means a whole new round of Matt lying to someone he cares about. Does anyone really want to see that? I know I don’t. Sure, maybe he’d tell her eventually, but how long would they have to date before he decided to trust her with the truth?

I’m not opposed to the Mary Walker from Iron Fist appearing in Daredevil, if the writers could come up with a new story for her (i.e, don’t just have her repeat all the same plot beats with Matt that she already did with Danny). But bringing her in as a femme fatale really doesn’t sit well with me. We’ve already seen Matt in an ultimately destructive relationship with a sexy, violent, morally grey woman. I really don’t want to watch Round 2: now with multiple personalities!

Of course, maybe we never will. The quote at the beginning of this post is from just a couple of weeks ago (July 25 2020), so Erik Oleson still seems to think it’s a fine idea. But obviously we don’t know yet if there will ever be a season 4, or who the show runner will be if there is. He may never get to make the story he was planning.

So yes, I realize I’m merely speculating about a completely theoretical story that may never happen. But I wanted to write this anyway. I had a strong “ugh, no” reaction to the idea of a feminist femme fatale Typhoid Mary, and I wanted to go deeper and pick apart my reasons for not liking the idea.

To the three of you who have read this all the way through to the end (this post is nearly 2000 words, yikes), thank you for indulging me! These are, as always, my own opinions, and YMMV.

#daredevil #typhoid mary #femme fatale #long post #oh look I wrote a dissertation

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bloopbyoop · 3 years

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weep woop

ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao. I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective. It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt. I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like: -Some people have it worse than you -At least you have ..... These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently. alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️ alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs. this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like : Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life. “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” -All These Things That I've Done, The Killers “It's not too late, I'm still right here” -Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson "And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive" -Last Hope, Paramore “There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?” -Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore "It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did" -1800, Logic "Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then" -Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb) "10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean, Taylor Swift “I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.” -Believe in Me, Demi Lovato "I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me" -I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato “I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know” -Nightingale, Demi Lovato "I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to." -Therapy, All Time Low "I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be" -Ghost, Badflower "Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you" -DNA, Lia Marie Johnson Movies and series to try : -The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out) -The Kings of Summer -Never Let Me Go -The Art of Getting By -Silver Linings Playbook -Winter’s Bone -The Lovely Bones (The script. The words) -Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -American Horror Story -Black Swan

pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!!

ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe.

x :D

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dangan-happy · 3 years

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Kamukura Kamukura yas queen! To Miu Kaito and/or Kokichi. Yes, it's me again. Let's call me spider anon here though, just to make things easier xD. So, today I felt like absolute shit, and honestly feel like.. I'm not enough for everyone, like I'm a letdown. To be fair... I don't recall a time where I didn't at least slightly feel like this, but it's been getting worse lately. So, I'm supposed to be the smart kid right? Highest GPA in my grade, always turns shit in on time, ext, right? (1/2)

Its kinda... always been like that. Ever since kindergarten I have been that “beautiful blossom” with straight A's and a bad attitude, although the latter has gotten a LOT better since like, 6th. Thing is... alongside my other responsibilities, this causes a whole lotta stress. Gifted Kid Burnout as they call it, and I suffer from a lot of it, and the constant pressure of my mom almost Never Letting Me Get Below a 90, 90% of the time doesn't help, and I recently got an assignment (2/???) (Tw for s/h for this part.. I'm rlly sorry, I forgot to put this at the beginning of the post.) In science that was like "write a page-long essay in 3 class periods (about space, just noting that.)”. And being the perfectionist that I am, I went all out, but I found close to nothing on sources, and I had an episode, which has been more... common lately. Basically, I start biting my hand and hitting my legs and crying silently, in a "fit' of self-loathing, and usually nobody notices.. (3/4) Until like, today. This one girl noticed and tried to get me to stop but l.. pushed her away, as always. We made up shortly after but the teacher noticed too and she said she would give me an extension so I wouldn’t get more stressed but yet I'm more stressed anyways cuz I hate feeling like I can't do anything on time and this is the first time I've ever needed one tor school. I'm rlly sorry for bothering y'all with my rambles again, but I could use some advice and comfort rn -spider anon (4/4)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spider anonymous, that’s a pretty fuckin’ cool name you want to go by. Alright, this is a pretty lengthy ask, not even gonna bullshit it.. Yanno, I’m the smartest person I know, but even I make mistakes here & there.. Living up to smartness…that’s not exactly how I would put it. Everyone is on different levels when you think about it, not all of us can be on the same wavelength.

Man, this really is a lot of shit that you’re going through, I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling.. Well after going through all of this, I do think that you can reach out for help, especially if you feel like the stress is getting to you more than ever.. It’s a really tricky situation, but if you need to talk to anyone, you have every right to do so.

A therapist can help you out, they can also help talk you on how to handle stress. How to reduce it so you won’t be feeling so shitty all the time, if that makes any sense. I’ll give you all the hugs you need babes, cuddles for comfort too..

Woah, ok, I'm gonna be real. I think this is the longest ask I've ever gotten, but that's ok! Alright, let's do this. Also, I love the name. Spider anon, spider anon, does whatever a spider can-on. Ok, gonna hit the pause button. You're not a letdown. No matter what you think or say, you're just not. I know what letdowns look like, like the original Sonic movie model, and you're not a let down in the least.

Yeah, being the smart kid is a lot of pressure. I've never been a "beautiful blossom" but I can imagine it doesn't exactly make things better. Also side note, I'm glad the bad attitude part has gotten better, I'm proud of you bro! I definitely wouldn't call myself gifted, but dang, all of that sounds super harsh, and I'm sorry you have to go through that. Your mom's expectations seem to be really weighing on you, so maybe talk to her about that?

YOU GOT AN ESSAY ABOUT SPACE?? Sorry, sorry I'm calm, I promise. Aw bro, I'm so sorry you got pushed to that. I get it, I'm a total perfectionist, at least when it comes to space stuff. It sounds like your stress is getting out of control, and if you're getting pushed this far, I'd try talking to a professional too. You don't deserve to hurt this much. (Also, if you need strong sources, look at NASA's websites). I'm glad someone noticed, even if you pushed her away. And I'm glad you made up, and got an extension too! Hey, it's ok. You're in a bad place right now, and it's perfectly ok for you to get some extra time on things.

Seriously, I think the best thing to do is to talk to your parents, teachers, school counselors and a professional so you can get the help you need. This is some serious stuff. Any form of self harm is serious, and you don't deserve to go through this. You're not bothering at all! I'm happy you reached out to us at the least. I promise things are gonna be ok. I mean, they obviously aren't right now, but if you can reach out to people, I promise things can get better. You're not a letdown, you're an amazing, smart person who's just going through a time right now. I know you can get through it, just be brave and reach out. I 100% believe in you bro. You're amazing no matter what ok? I got your back when you need me, and you can do anything you put your mind to! Now get out there and do whatever a spider anon can-on!

Hi Spider Anon!! Wow, yeah, that's long. Sooo, I'm gonna give you the best help I can!! Wow, smart kid, gifted kid, and beautiful blossom all in one?? Wow, I can almost feel the pressure from here!! I haven't ever been a beautiful blossom...I think, but yeah, I know about the other two. And it's never easy. For real, I'd talk to your mom about those expectations, because they're seriously stressing you out and leading you to some less than great coping strategies. Seriously, if it's impacting you this much, you gotta say something to her. Ew, papers. I hate those. I'm not a total perfectionist, but damn, you poor spider anon, I'm really sorry you got so stressed. I mean, this is obvious, but self harm is not the way to go. I get it, sometimes you can't help it. It's an addiction after all, so I one hundred and twenty five percent recommend you talk to a professional. That's your best bet for help with the self harm.

You shouldn't have to fight that fight alone, and there are people out there who can help. I get self loathing fits too. I don't do what you do, but I know how it feels in the moment. Hey, the good news is that someone noticed this time around!! It's ok, I push people away too. You made up though, and that takes a lot of bravery, so I'm proud of you ok! It's seriously ok if you need more time for this assignment. It's honestly a good thing since you're not in a great headspace. It seems like your teacher is open to helping too, so maybe try talking to them about everything you're going through. I think the key to making this better is to talk to people so they know how you're feeling. People will notice if you let them notice ok?

Hey, no need to apologize!! Overall, my advice is to reach out to a professional. Maybe anxiety medication would help too, and I think talking to your mom about how her expectations make you feel would be good. You're seriously smart ok? Your grades don't define you as a person. You don't have to be perfect all the time. All you gotta be is your wonderful spider-anon self, and that's enough. So hang in there ok? You're amazing no matter what!!

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #miu iruma #kaito momota #kokichi ouma #mod rockstar #mod kaito #mod kokichi #tw self harm #self harm mention

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bibbykins · 5 years

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Scopophilic Affection (M)

Here it is! At last! I have had a rough couple of weeks. My roommate left me and my gf with the rest of the rent without any notice (yikes, I know. Kids, don’t break the lease, it’s shitty) soooo I’m going to plug my ko-fi below. Anything helps and would be greatly appreciated. Either way, donation or not, I hope you thoroughly enjoy and know that my ask box is open!

Genre: Smut/Fluff

Word count: 7.8k

Warnings: Voyeurism, choking, obsessives themes, yandere

Summary: Scopophilia is a more dignified way to define voyeurism, something Seokjin had no intention of partaking in until he came across your live stream. Seokjin is a dignified man, but never in his life had he felt so depraved watching you smile and work like it was his profession, unable to reach through the screen and make you his. Unable to tell you how much he loves to watch you because you have no idea you’re live stream even exists. He can’t tell you how hypnotizing you are without the glaring controversy of him watching your hacked-into webcam, both as a human and director in the computer science division of the company he is a board member of. Nevertheless, you were his very guilty utmost pleasure.

A beige wall with the blandest accents he’s ever seen with a sketchy cream color. The kitchen appliances were conformity white with rust whispering its way out from under the oven. The toaster was melted on one side and he couldn’t help but wonder how. The microwave was in slightly better shape but the stains seemed to still hold the screams of food from the 1990s. The carpet was somewhere between the beige walls and the mahogany table and looked about as comfortable as sandpaper.

This would not do at all.

Even with the personality shining through the subpar living space, it was just not suitable. Not for much longer.

Jin was a man of exquisite taste. This, among his impeccable beauty and breathtaking aura, was some of his best-known traits. He was the sweetest dream everyone on campus would ever have the privilege to even catch a moment of. He was the Director of Software Development within the largest tech company in the country. He came from money and yet made more than enough of his own all while juggling graduate school. Beyond his professional talents, he was a natural virtuoso and musician. With fans from all sides of his life, it would come to no shock that he was a picky man.

Ever the kindest member of the campus princes, he opted for an aura of stoic professionalism. He exchanged pleasantries and engaged in his fair share of banter with people beyond his close-knit group of Adonis-like men. However, he had a strict limit on how much he could take of people he didn’t care about.

He had everything he wanted and it was nearing time for him broaden his capacity beyond his close family and six friends by just one person. The pool was exceptionally lengthy considering his father’s very own Cinderella story and his parents’ overall good nature. And yet, nobody was fit to be his. Nobody he met even gave him anything to think about beyond their pleasantries. He would not settle for good enough, they had to be perfect. They had to be someone entertaining, someone, without such an evident facade, and even then, someone worthwhile behind that facade. Maybe he had trust issues, or maybe he knew how much one could hide in public.

While a man of exquisite taste, it was also… particular to say the least. Kim Seokjin was not built to marry these nice girls his parents set him up with from time to time, he was built for someone much greater. He had a taste for the more sinister sides that he seldom was able to properly explore with others. Kinky is a word one could use, but he believed adventurous encapsulated his preferences more eloquently. He took pleasure in spoiling someone with all he could offer as they spoiled him with their body. Empty hands begin to ache after some time. He was longing for something to grip other than himself on more irritable nights. He had found previous sexual partners who suited him just fine until they stepped out of the threshold from the bedroom. Vice versa, he had also been on perfectly good dates but with terribly bland sex.

It was on one of the nights after a mind-numbing date that he threw himself into work whilst listening to the background noise of tech reports. All was fine until there was talk of a hard to reach website that allowed patrons paid access to people who “consented” to 24-hour streams of their lives via laptop and the highest payer owns who can view that particular person. Call it morbid curiosity or his voyeuristic side making an appearance, Jin found himself on the website with ease and scrolling past a ton of stranger’s faces. The teaser clips showed thirty seconds of the past day.

Jin doubted the website would be up for much longer due to its legal gray area of filming people without informed consent. It seemed the website operated on a one-click user agreement to a couple of separate websites they controlled. It didn’t take a genius to see these people had no idea of their streams. On each profile, it had general demographics, the times that person was in frame, if they ever changed on camera, and even if they performed sexual acts for an audience they had no idea about. Jin felt some remorse as he scrolled from victim to victim, but something happened when he came across a bland beige wall behind an interesting girl.

Sure, he had seen many beautiful women but none of them were shown sitting in front of the camera and so adorably pouting at the camera for the entire thirty-second clip, occasional huffs of irritation coming from your plush lips. It awoke some kind of curiosity he could not understand but wanted to satiate. Were you reading emails? Had you gotten a bad grade? Were you watching a frustrating film? It seemed you were a college student but spent your nights at home. He figured you worked full time while not at school and used that as an explanation for your socially inactive life but deprived sleep schedule. Against his better judgment, Jin gained full reign over your stream, making it exclusively for him.

He never quite cared for sharing.

Just like that, there you were, in a large shirt and shorts as you stared at the laptop with a blank face. It went on like this and Jin began to feel silly that he made such a rash move to violate your privacy like this, not to mention the fact that he spent such a grandiose amount of money just to stare at a girl. This was obviously a mistake. He should just turn off his computer- you began to laugh and just like that, Jin was enchanted. Maybe it was the fact that you laughed so wholeheartedly despite being alone or just that you were your true self at this very moment. He had unrestricted access to you like this. He wondered what you were watching. Against his better judgment, he wondered if he could make you laugh like that.

Your phone rang, making you jump ever so slightly. Jin smiled at this, noting how easily startled you were and the way your eyes looked so kind after being broken from the trance your laptop had you in. He found himself holding his breath as you pressed the phone to your ear, waiting to hear how you sound, “Hello?”

You paused the movie you had been watching as you waited for your cousin’s girlfriend, Jaelin, to speak, “Y/n! Where are you?!” The background was loud and she was evidently drunk.

You rolled your eyes, “At home, where else?” This was a common occurrence, and usually, you would not entertain her drunk-dials, but you figured hearing another human’s voice today wouldn’t hurt.

“You should meet me! There’s a ton of parties tonight!” She screamed and you flinched at the volume her mic had to endure.

“I have this screenplay to annotate and I’m leading the stage tricks seminar in a week to practice so…” You trailed off, holding up your finished and annotated screenplay before shrugging.

“People are going to that? Seriously?” You stood corrected by yourself as a sting hit your confidence. This human’s voice was indeed beginning to hurt you.

“Professor Tarbot is having the freshman attend it so, yes, people are going to my seminar, so…” You trailed off as you heard your cousin’s voice in the background, reminding Jaelin that you don’t need to go out before the call went dead, “Lovely.” You muttered before pressing play on the movie. You were always the black sheep of the family. If familial love was kickball, you were absolutely picked last. Despite this, when you moved out as soon as you could to pursue your dreams, your family was appalled that you would leave your own flesh and blood.

Your smile noticeably died with the phone call and Jin couldn’t help but wonder what exactly happened. He missed your smile already. You looked down at your phone for a while before your lip begin to quiver ever so slightly and Jin felt his stomach churn.

“No, no, no.” You fanned your face before looking to the ceiling, “None of that, crybaby.” You cursed before sighing out and looking forward again, “Work on the seminar.”

So, you were a fine arts major of some sort. Jin thought about this as he watched you get ready for bed and eventually fall asleep in front of the laptop you took everywhere. By the end of the night, he had just about a full apartment tour. He shook off this new feeling in his chest before closing his laptop.

The week went on with Jin’s and your nightly routine remaining the same. He did his work, brushed his teeth, and went to bed. Except, he had you playing in the background. You, on the other hand, would write, procrastinate, brush your teeth in the messiest way, and return to either schoolwork or some show before falling asleep, usually at your desk or on your bed in front of your computer.

He certainly was not proud of how you would excite him in ways other women just… couldn’t. It was on one of his more irritable nights that he focused all of his attention on you. You were just watching a movie, nothing too crazy. Even so, Jin’s skin was set ablaze at the way your floral underwear was poking out as you sat on your bed with your knees up. Without fully realizing it, he began palming himself through his sweatpants.

He groaned out as you spread your knees to sit more comfortably. You leaned back and he could almost make out what your sex looked like. Your underwear was thin, so thin. You would surely soak through them if you let him have you.

“Y/n.” He breathed through clenched teeth as you stretched. You were goggling a little at the movie, taunting him almost. He cursed as his hand sped up, “Fuck, baby.” He moaned and when you simply gasped at something Jin could not see with his eyes screwed shut as he chased his high, he went over the edge. He moaned your name out like a disciple to his savior, like you were his light at the end of it all. The experience itself was nothing less than religious and an absolute breakthrough that Jin had been trying to avoid for a long time.

From then on, Jin had been watching you under a new lens. You were no longer a morbid curiosity of his, you were the object of all this affection he never felt such an immense need to release.

“What’s up, Jae?” You answered the phone after brushing your teeth, putting her on speaker, “A little early to be drinking, no?”

“Y/n, did you hear about the ArtCast scandal?!” You jumped at her volume as you applied your skincare products.

“ArtCast? I haven’t used the site since I signed up, what happened?” Jin tensed, already knowing what the female on the phone call meant.

“Get a new laptop, now!” Jaelin screeched and you looked at your phone with bewilderment, “They have been sharing user info and hacked into laptop cams for creeps to watch on the dark web!”

Jin hardly considered himself a creep. His actions were creepy, but he was not a creep, just a curious soul. He fought the urge to try and reason with you by finding your contact information. Although the idea was scrapped since that would certainly not help his case.

You rolled your eyes at this, “I doubt anyone wants to see me laze around and edit-”

“THIS IS SERIOUS!” You flinched at this.

“And I seriously don’t have any money to get a whole new laptop and I kinda need my webcam for work so,” You looked dead at the camera, eyes boring into Seokjin’s form, “Hi Mr. Laptop Man, if you have some spare money my PayPal is-”

“WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR FAMILY? I’M NOT KIDDING.”

Your eye twitched, “Don’t yell at me.” You seethed, “If they won’t pay for my school or even a meal, what makes you think they would buy me a laptop?” The pain was terribly evident on your face and your lip quivered, “Face it, Jae, you took my place and you feel bad, so that’s the only reason you even talk to me.”

“Y/n…” Her voice was softer this time and Jin watched a tear fall down your face and felt his heart clench. He didn’t care who your family was, all you would need is him soon enough.

“And I appreciate it, even if it is pity-based, but don’t pretend like they care about me.” You huffed, wiping your tears, “Mr. Laptop Man must think I’m so dumb.” You scoffed and Jin noticed the way your features twisted from anger to pain and melancholy. There was evidently some deep-rooted pain when it came to your family

You were isolated from them. This past week, Jin gathered that you were eccentric and not afraid to make a fool of yourself or put yourself out there. He now understood it was because your family must have degraded you to such a degree, you eventually began to take it in stride.

“Y/n, I didn’t mean to…”

You frowned as Jin wondered why you felt any remorse for this person, “No, I shouldn’t have freaked out like that.” You sighed and glanced at yourself in the mirror and poked at your eye bags, “I’ll catch you later, okay?” You closed your eyes, “Have fun on the trip. Give everyone a hug for me.”

“You could come-”

You clenched your fists against the counter, “Jae… don’t.” You breathed, “I’ll talk to you later.” You quipped before hanging up the phone, “Ugh, I probably sounded like such a bitch.” You combed your fingers through your hair, tugging at the roots slightly before closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. Your fingers slowly uncurled themselves and you robotically placed them at your sides, “No, none of that.”

It was evident that was a coping mechanism, a way to express your pain and insecurity. He imagined it was more than likely much worse before. This made his fist clench. Must he protect from everything, including yourself?

He scoffed at himself. He didn’t even know where you were in the world. He was lucky that he even understood your native tongue. He was also lucky that you spoke Korean on occasions. This made the odds of you living even remotely near him better, but not definite.

Why was he even doing this? Why was he watching you and fantasizing about you when you had no idea who he was and he had no idea where you were? Suddenly, he felt terribly ridiculous. He had spent every night this past week just watching you without your consent, dreaming about you, and imagining this entire life with you.

With a heavy heart, he waited for you to be out of frame before exiting your stream. He effectively wiped it off the website, he figured it was the least he could do to atone for the hours he spent watching it.

Jin rubbed his hands over his hands in frustration. This sexual and romantic solitude seemed to be really getting to his head. Tomorrow was a new day and he had to seriously consider finding someone as perfect as you and fast.

Or at least someone who could pretend was as perfect as you for a night.

The next morning went on as usual. He got up, went to work, and finally, attended school. His classes went on and eventually, he was in the courtyard with the same people as always.

“Dove, would you hand me the water bottle?” Taehyung mused to his girlfriend as he laid his form between her legs as she sat on the table. She handed him the water bottle and he kissed her hand as he retrieved it from her.

Jin rolled his eyes as he sat next to her, “And just when I thought I couldn’t feel any lonelier.” He groaned out.

“It’ll come when you least expect it.” She turned to him with a short giggle, “Tae just swept me off my feet just like that.” She snapped to indicate how sudden.

“It’s all about timing, my friend,” Taehyung spoke blissfully as his girlfriend combed through his hair.

“Yeah, look at my little Odette and I.” Jimin nuzzled into the neck of his girlfriend.

“Not helping the whole loneliness feeling for Jin, babe.” She grunted as she pushed his head away, “But he is right, he found the right time to fuck my brains out and now it’s a forever thing.” Her crude language made Jimin smirk a bit.

“Same boat, Jin.” Yoongi sighed, “We’ll get there.” He spoke before putting his headphones back in.

Jin nodded, used to hearing and seeing the same things. He looked out around the campus before heaving himself off the table, “I’m gonna get a soda, anyone want anything from the vending machine?“ When everyone shook their heads, he headed out onto the path to the Arts building.

It was outside the building that he saw a large gathering of some freshman intro class. He shrugged it off until he heard an eerily familiar voice.

“Okay, so that puts the whole hand through the coke can effect to rest.” Your voice was playful and melodic, “Now, for my final act, pun intended.” Jin whipped his head around as you beamed among the genuinely entertained class, “The infamous stage kiss!” You proclaimed as a rustle came about the crowd, “Yes, mumble, mumble, groan, groan. I know, but it’s a basic skill and as an intro class, you need to know them.”

Jin didn’t know if he was dreaming or not. Even if he was, he’d like for it to stay that way if it meant you were here. You were more than he imagined. You were all he could ever imagine for this past week. You were right there.

“Now, I need a volunteer.” A myriad of male and female hands went up much too enthusiastically for Jin’s taste. You chuckled, “Flattering, but I need someone above my age.” Hands went down, but not enough, “I will check ID, kids.” All the hands went down, but some unknown force made Jin’s hand go up, “I see one hand back there, so come on up!” You chirped and Jin made his way to the makeshift stage.

He found himself surprised for one of very few times in his life. What the fuck was going on? How were you here and in front of him? Was this even real?

To say your heart fell out of your mouth would be a gross understatement. Kim Seokjin was sauntering up to you, “Well, I don’t think you’re in this class.” You mused softly as he made his way to you.

He gave you a small wink and you would’ve squealed if you didn’t have self-respect, “Y/n, right?” He more so stated as he shook your hand.

You nodded with an evident gulp, “Kim Seokjin, our very own campus prince!” You clapped along with the rest of a suddenly envious class, “Okay so there are a couple ways to do a stage kiss. This can be done a couple different ways.” You explained and turned to Jin, “What is most important, though, is that your partner is comfortable with whatever you decide on, which goes for every aspect of life, my dears.” You winked at the crowd, “Now, are you okay with getting close to my face and me touching your face?” Jin smiled before nodding.

You were clearly in your element and it was mesmerizing. You had a passion for theatre and entertaining a crowd. This would be fine with Jin so long as the world knew it was his hand you’d be taking the moment you stepped off stage. You would give anything to be happy, this included your family’s support.

“Okay, so the typical way is the old fashioned way of covering your partner’s face with yours or vice versa.” You talked animatedly with your hands as your grasped Jin’s wrist and led him to the makeshift wall you had, “You have the regular kabedon way.” You moved to put his hand beside your hand, but Jin took initiative, making you jump, “A-And then the partner, or you, would close in at an angle and…BAM!” You giggled as Jin was brought to a halt leaning in, “A kiss.” You stared at Jin’s face for a while before breaking the spell with a sheepish smile, “Okay, so time is running thin, so, I’ll show you the thumb kiss.” You were so cheerful as you turned to Jin, “Now what you do is slide your hand behind their hair all romantic-like.” You went to bring your hand up to Jin’s face, but he took initiative making you jump as his hand cradled your face ever so softly, “And-uh- place your thumb on their mouth, and tilt ever so slightly, and…” You tilted your head up and Jin took this as the signal to bring his lips to yours softly, internally cursing his own thumb.

“BAM!” Jin chuckled, “A kiss.”

You giggled as you both broke away and Jin basked in the sound, “Alrighty, that’s our time! Thank you for being so responsive!” You beamed as the class dispersed with returning smiles. You turned to Jin, “And thank you, kind sir.”

“I can be quite the thespian if you want me to.” He was flirting, he was just hoping you knew he was.

“Quit trying to make me blush.” You chided with a playful smile, “It’s a felony to make me flustered, it’s a whole mess.”

Jin felt like this was an out of body experience. He wanted to pinch himself just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming about you as he had this entire week. Everything felt so natural with you. There was no facade or fake laughter. There was just you and him.

“As penance for my crime, I’ll help you clean up.” He smiled as you and you gave him a toothy grin.

He helped you pack up your random props and insisted on giving you a ride home, “There’s no way I’m gonna let you ride the bus with all of this.” Jin was adamant.

“I really don’t live far, it’s why I don’t take my car most of the time.” You tried to reason.

“Which is why it’s no problem for me to drive you.” Jin shot back and you huffed, giving a pout he knew all too well.

“Promise you won’t turn out to be some murderer?” You spoke through puffed out lips that he wished to place his own on.

He smiled warmly at you, “Promise, although my jokes are killer.”

You burst into a fit of melodious giggles as you shook your head, “Yeah, no way you’re a murderer, dork.”

The walk to his car was filled with stupid jokes and goofy laughing as if you had known each other for years. You basked in the warmth he provided you in such a short amount of time, and yet it far exceeded what your family supplied you. Maybe you didn’t have to get accustomed to loneliness if Jin was around. He made you feel valued, and you had heard he was kind, but you never knew just how kind. Was he like this with everyone? Or could he possibly like someone like you? Even just as a friend. At this rate, anything worked.

With this in mind, you turned to him, “So, are you gonna tell me how you knew who I was?”

“Well, that’s a loaded question.” Jin sighed out, debating on telling you some semblance of the truth, “Have you heard of the ArtCast scandal?”

“Oh, yeah, the whole thing with- Oh no.” You stopped walking, “Are you telling me that-”

“It’s a long story.” Jin smiled sheepishly at you, “I didn’t see anything intrusive or anything but-”

There was a lot to unpack in that exchange. On one hand, Jin had seen you in your most private area of existence, but you were never quite good at being angry about things. At the end of the day, you felt like it was your fault you were on there and you doubted Jin made a habit of dark web encounters. You reminded yourself he was a computer science major… or was it computer security? You’d really hate to make things awkward by being angry. Even so, were you angry? Were you this starved for a companion?

He stopped when you began laughing, “Man, I need to read User Agreements, that’s embarrassing.” You shrugged and Jin was taken aback by your calmness, “You must think I’m such a dweeb.”

“You’re not… creeped out?” Jin sped up to catch up to you.

You just offered a shrug, “All I do is cry and watch videos, so it’s not a big deal.” You chortled, “No use in dwelling on it, I got enough to dwell on.”

Jin felt a huge weight lift off of his chest as you went along your merry way with him. On one hand, you had no self-preservation skills, but you also had no hatred in your heart for anyone. This was enough to keep him tethered to you, and no longer the idea of you. You were nothing like him with your rose-colored glasses that you viewed the world with. You were much too delicate of a flower to be alone, vulnerable.

“You are one of a kind, y/n.” Jin mused and you felt your face heat.

“As are you, Seokjin.” Jin caught the extra skip in your step, “I’d like to see more of you.”

“And I, you.” Jin winked at you.

—-

When Jin pulled into your apartment complex he shuddered at the architecture, or lack thereof, “Terrible isn’t it?” You hummed.

“It's… not that bad…” Jin gave you an uneasy smile and you rolled your eyes, “Close to campus…”

“Well excuse me, sugar daddy, not all of us can afford a high rise.” You stuck your tongue out at him, but he was too focused on how inviting your mouth looked to him.

“Stick your tongue out like that,” He leaned closer to you in a half-joking manner, “And I’ll bite it.” He threatened, which only furthered your grin and made your nerves come alive.

“Kinky.” You leaned closer to him and suddenly the atmosphere in the car became much heavier with your tone, and Jin went to grasp your chin, the heat that pooled in between your legs when he did so made you gasp softly, “I dig it.” You breathed and that was all it took for Jin’s resolve to break.

Before he could make the move, you smashed your lips onto his. He responded immediately, grabbing the back of your neck to pull you closer. The kiss was everything either of you could have wanted despite how unbelievably sloppy it was. Your tongues soon intertwined and Jin went to your waist to pull you from the passenger seat to his lap. Somehow, you managed to do so despite the difficulty that came with keeping your lips connected while you did so.

“Your lips are so fucking soft.” You hummed against his mouth before going to his neck, “Your skin too.” You smiled against it.

He groaned when you began to shyly suck on top of his jugular, “Fuck, good girl.” He moaned out before you ground your hips against his at the praise. He then grasped the back of your hair, accidentally pulling a little harder than intended to bring your face back to his. He was ready to apologize until you moaned at the sensation, throwing your head back.

“Shit.” You moaned when he placed his plush lips on your neck, sucking hard, “You’re gonna leave a mark-ah!” You bit your lip when he sucked at your sensitive spot.

“Good.” He grunted and you only ground against him harder, “Fuck, you’re really testing me.”

“I live right there.” You panted as he pressed you against him, his hands grabbing at your waist.

“But your stuff.” He noted as he sucked on your neck.

“I’ll get it tomorrow morning?” You spoke softly, more shy, trying to ask him to stay the night without asking, “It’s been ages since I’ve had good dick.” You groaned.

“And why’s that, sweetheart?” Jin was domineering and it made your thighs clench.

“Nobody’s been worth my time.” You smirked as he gripped your hip, much to your delight and you giggled at this, “Okay, maybe that’s a lie and I just want you to think I’m desirable.”

Jin smiled at this as he unlocked his car, “I already desire you, baby.” You shuddered at this. You move to get out of the car, but Jin took the initiative to move the both of you. You should’ve been more embarrassed than you were about your legs being wrapped around a man you had only met properly that day as he carried you into your apartment while whispering the R-Rated version of sweet nothings in your ear.

You handed him the key, and the moment the door shut you were up against the wall in an instant. You weren’t shy about the continuous moans and groans he ripped for your throat with the way his hand cupped your sex and began ministrations.

Jin reveled in the sound you made, only bolstering the unyielding need he felt for you. He had pictured this moment for so long and here you were, legs wrapped around him as he stumbled from wall to wall to get to your bedroom with one hand inside your panties.

You didn’t even think to ask how he knew where your bedroom was when you passed the threshold because if the way his fingers slipped inside proved to demand your attention more. He laid you down on the bed and you scrambled to your knees to unbuckle his belt as he stood over you. He let out a low groan when your tongue made a stripe along the base. You had to admit that his dick was quite beautiful and thankfully clean. Granted, you’ve seen some nice dick, but he was so well kept and soft and everything you were happy to put your mouth on.

His hand grabbed ahold of your hair and you moaned with your mouth full when he took control of you by tugging your hair. You had always liked it rough, and it was like he was reading your mind. He was fucking your face in no time and your thighs clenched in an attempt to alleviate the ache that only he could satisfy. He eventually pulled you off him and he left your mouth with a satisfying pop.

He stared down at you, hair messy, drool trailing down your chin, and eyes captivating with a carnal want. The sight could absolutely make him cum if he concentrated hard enough. He gave you a teasing glance as his slender fingers took their time with his shirt and you stripped yourself of the dress you wore in an instant. By the time Jin was in view again, he dove at you, lips attaching to yours. Your eyes fluttered closed as you clutched him closer to your form and you took a moment to appreciate how fit he was. His plush lips trailed down your body while his soft hands reached behind you to remove your bra.

Jin pulled away to sit up and stare at you for a moment. You were under him, chest heaving, mouth open in want, and he looked at your body, breasts beyond what he imagined and he moaned when his hands ran over your body. His hands nearly ripped your underwear down your legs and he studied your pussy like a scholar. His fingers spread you and he groaned at how wet you were. His mouth engulfed you, tongue having ached to taste you for too long and the way you squirmed only spurred him further. He ate you up like a man starved. When his tongue went inside you, you swore you saw God.

"Jin!” You gasped, body unable to squirm in his firm grip. If you hadn’t been feeling so good, you would swear he was eating you out more for his sake than yours. You couldn’t even form words, only his name would come out of your mouth, and this was only aided when one of his hands went up to squeeze your nipple. His other hand went to stretch you with three fingers as air flooded your lungs in a dizzy of lust, “Fuck me!” You finally gasped out and that was all the prodding he needed.

Next time he would have to make you beg, take his time, drive you mad, but right now, he needed to feel you around him.

Jin plunged into you and you were immediately fucked out. The pain was delicious and you wanted more. He began to thrust slowly at first until your hips began to spasm, “Harder,” You moaned, “Please fuck me hard.” You begged and something in Jin just snapped.

“Who?” He slammed into you as you groaned in delight, “Who do you want to fuck you hard, hm?”

You took his hand and placed it around your neck, “You, Sir, please.” You batted your eyelashes at him and that was it, “I want you to fuck your cum into me.” He was a weak man for you. This much was solidified when he expertly slammed into you as he squeezed your neck intermittently. Strangled moans came from you until the hand holding his wrist squeezed and Jin let go of your neck to hear you scream for him as you came.

You didn’t disappoint as your back arched and eyes rolled back. The erotic image paired with the way you clenched around him only pushed him over the edge as he came, hips stuttering as you both rode out your respective highs.

You hardly remember him cleaning you up, what mattered most to you was the way he held you through the night.

You woke up to an empty bed and sighed out, figuring he was gone. Maybe this is your punishment for never making the guy wait like your mother said to. You huffed as your feet made contact with the floor and you flinched in pain, understandably sore.

You paused when you heard a sizzling. Jin was cooking. He was awfully comfortable in a home he had rarely seen and never been in, right? You stopped yourself for a moment.

You really fucked your hot stalker, didn’t you?

You audibly laughed. Your life was a fucking joke. Were you this desperate for attention to overlook the fact that this man had looked through the lens of your laptop long enough and hard enough to know the layout of your apartment.

You sure were.

You shook your head in exasperation as you headed out of the room where you encountered Jin in your kitchen, cooking eggs and he gave you a small smile. You returned if despite the conclusion you came to.

You certainly did fuck your insanely hot stalker.

“You know Jin, I don’t think you were completely honest with me earlier.” You mused, not bothering to look at him for a response, “It seems you encountering my little stream wasn’t as casual as you say.”

Jin froze for a moment. You weren’t an idiot. He knew it wouldn’t take you long to organize your thoughts and see the truth. Not that he planned to omit the full truth for long. He had just been hoping you were in love with him before it came out. He could only hope the orgasms brought you at least a quarter of the way there “Why do you think that, baby?” He spoke slowly as he used the plastic spatula to move the yolk.

“Call it a hunch, but I don’t think anyone is that passionate fucking someone they just met.” You spoke listlessly, “I don’t mean to sound vain, but are you obsessed with me?"

Jin let out a short laugh, "The short answer is yes, but before you kick me out,” He turned the stove off as he placed the cooked eggs on a plate before turning to you, fingertips drumming on the counter, “Why don’t we eat a bit while I make you a proposition?”

The smart answer would be no. The smart choice would be to kick him out, an idea you hadn’t considered until he said it. However, you were known for your charisma much more than your intelligence. With that, you sat down at your table and Jin smiled in relief ever so slightly. It almost made you wonder if he knew you weren’t going to kick him out at all.

“Who am I to say no to free food?” You hummed as Jin opened your silverware drawer without even needing to ask you, almost as if he had obsessively watched you go about your daily life for a week.

He handed you the fork as he sat next to you. You took a bite of the perfectly scrambled eggs because of course, they were perfect.

He watched you eat with an emotion you hadn’t seen before. He could tell you were confused, and he wanted so badly to tell you it was adoration. The swine you were surrounded by had been to idiotic to appreciate what they had. Even just watching you was a gift nobody deserved.

“So this proposition?” You mumbled as you chewed lightly.

Jin snapped out of his trance, “Ah, yes.” He straightened his posture and rolled his shoulders like a true businessman as you watched his mouth settle into a confident smirk, one slightly different than the one he held whilst holding your legs open mere hours ago. The memory almost made you want to forego the offer and proceed with another round instead. Never in your life had anyone made you feel so wanted, “I would like for you to be my… companion.” He snapped you from your thoughts and considered the word for a moment before speaking again, “I find the word girlfriend to be too casual for what I would like our arrangement to be.”

You shifted a bit in your seat, unsure what the word companion even meant to him, “And what arrangement would that be?” You took another bite, trying to avoid his intimidating aura.

“One of a romantic variety.” You nearly choked on the food, “I suppose the end goal is for you to be my wife.” This time you did choke on the food. Your windpipe had welcomed the egg but Jin was quick to pat you on the back as you coughed, “I was just about to say I’d like to grow old with you, and here you are, almost killing yourself.” He chided as he pushed a cup of water your way and he waited for you to put the cup down before proceeding, “Essentially, I love you, and I’d like for you to commit to being with me and eventually loving me back as we go through life together.”

Your eyes were wide as you looked past Jin, trying to avoid eye contact. Had anyone ever really loved you? Your parents, maybe. However, she was required to by society. Jin had no obligation to feel anything for you and yet here he was, making you food and offering you the love and attention you craved.

You felt your face heat at his nonchalant confession of love and yet your heart was racing at his hand landed on top of yours. Your entire body was buzzing and you couldn’t tell if it was from fear or anticipation, “Well, w-what’s in it for me?” The question was shaky at best. You were willfully confused and unsure why you had been so ready to say yes without even hearing the benefits.

Jin was evidently amused by your attempt to put on a disinterested front. You had never been a good liar. He loved that about you and thrived on your honesty, “For one, you’ll have a stable and consistent person in your life.” That one stung a bit which is why he wanted to get that out of the way first. He knew how lonely and isolated you were, “You’ll always have my support emotionally, physically, and financially.” You nodded, asking him to go on, “You’ll never have to worry about anything really, I find myself with an aching need to bend to your every whim.” You smiled sheepishly at this, “I can offer you a life of happiness, loyalty, security, and endless love.”

You didn’t realize how hard you had clutched his hand until you breathed out a released Jin from your clutches. He stroked the top of your hand in response, “And what’s required of me?”

Jin squeezed your hand for a moment, “Your love and affection.” He mused, “I want you to commit to being my lover- ah, that’s the word I had been looking for.” He lightly tapped his head, “You make me woefully absentminded.” He chided and you felt your heart flutter, “All you ever have to do is look at only me as far as potential mates go. I can certainly promise to keep you interested.” A smirk played on the edge of his lips as his other hand stroked your knee, “You’re intoxicating and I could very well prove to be your drug of choice as well.” He spoke lowly and you almost shivered, “Your rules, for lack of a better word, would be to love me, and only me, and ideally, work at home for the most part.” This caught your attention, “Your passion seems to lie with screenwriting and editing with a dash of set design, yes?” He hardly waited for you to confirm, “So, you can do most of your work at home as is, on any other endeavors, I’d like to accompany you.” You nodded again, agreeing before your mind was fully made up, “I don’t like the idea of the outside world having free access to you.”

“Go figure, considering the outside world had paid access to me.” You chuckled before taking a breath after seeing Jin’s smile falter, “Anywho, I would be quite a fool to deny you.” You sighed out, “You paint a nice picture, especially to someone as isolated and affection-starved as myself. You seem to have made yourself the skeleton key to all the locked doors I’ve been faced with in my lifetime.” Jin smiled proudly at this, “Yeah, it’s creepy you got off to watching me and are literally obsessed, but if you look like this, have that much money, and can make me cum like that during our first time, who am I to say no to a life of comfort and happiness?"

"Do you think you could love me?” Jin asked, confidence mostly gone and his eyes left with pure hope. For the first time, he didn’t know your answer.

You smiled at him, no doubt in your answer as you brought your hand to cup his cheek softly, “I certainly could.” You were softer this time, “But riddle me this…"

"Anything.” His hand brushed over your own as your thumb stroked his cheek.

“Why do you love me?” He placed a kiss on the back of your hand after holding it.

He sighed dreamily, “I’m surrounded by people with the whole world in the palm of their hand.” He rubbed his face against your hand, “Some love it, some hate it, but they’re all the same.” You saw him grimace at the very thought of these people, “They lie and constantly pretend to be something they’re not.” He looked up to meet your eyes, “But you, are so unapologetic about who you are and what you love.” He cupped your face and you could feel yourself heat at his touch, “You’re honest and not afraid to feel despite everyone trying to get you to conform to their standards.” He smiled at you and you knew it was over, “I genuinely just want you in my life, and I want to be someone special to you as you are to me.”

You were shaken from the trance when you felt a tear slide down your cheek. Never in your life had anyone been so kind and supportive of you. He didn’t joke about how unlikely your career path was or give you a backhanded compliment. He was just a guy who wanted to be in your life and support you- and if overlooking his obsessive stint of his was what you had to do, then fuck it. He could’ve easily lied to you and you would’ve fallen for him none the wiser. What does you knowing about his obsession really change? It doesn’t make him love you any less and it doesn’t make you any less infatuated. You would be his and he would be yours because you both wanted it to be as such.

Jin’s hand brushed the tear off your cheek, “No need to worry, petal.” His voice was gentle, “Not anymore, not while I’m around.”

Your eyes glinted with hope and just a hint of trust when Jin met them again. You leaned in to kiss him softly, an affirming kiss. It was a kiss that said, “You better not be lying to me Kim Seokjin, I’ll go crazy.” You breathed the words against his mouth and he gave you a playful smile.

He gave you a kiss in return, reassuring the faith you decided to put in him. He would never disappoint you. His hand went to the back of your neck as he tilted your head upwards to pull you in deeper, “I’m so in love you.” He breathed on your mouth in return and you shivered, the feeling foreign to you.

“Well,” You huffed, catching your breath, “Do I get to live in your fancy penthouse now?” You gave me a carefree smile, and it sunk in that he was no longer forced to watch you through a screen. He could watch you all day. He had plans to do as much. He found he could prove his love best by merely looking at you.

You really knew how to read him like a book. He noted how terribly naive you were. In a matter of 24 hours, you agreed to move in with a man who had spied on you like an animal starved. However, Jin only determined this as an exhibition of how meant to be the both of you were. A great playwright must have written your love story for the ages.

The world looked much more beautiful with your hands on him.

ko-fi

masterlist

#yandere bts #soft yandere jin #kim seokjin #bts smut #bts series #bts oneshot #bts fanfic #bts fluff

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jasontoddiefor · 4 years

Text

I call this story “I thought I posted this a month ago ups”, a little thank you for @duckie-gordon

The Umbrella Academy x Batfam Crossover

Enjoy!

Damian is not pleased when inter-dimensional travelers show up in the middle of a highly time-sensitive mission. They had been planning on. Taking down this particular drug cartel for a month, everybody was here, and then it had nearly gone to hell if not for Barbara’s quick thinking.

So no, Damian was also not in favor of the Hargreeves siblings staying at the manor. The family was busy and this should really be more the Justice League’s business, but Baba wasn’t willing to hand them over, fearing that even more people would cross over.

The short individual calling himself Five - an utterly ridiculous name - had ensured that nobody else should be coming, but they wouldn’t just trust the words of a stranger who looked like a child and could travel through time and space, even if he seemed to be the most functional out of the group.

And the most dangerous.

Apparently, the white one - Vanya, Number 7 - was the one with the most destructive powers of the siblings, but Damian had grown up amongst assassins, and Five was the one who moved like one.

“How many people have you killed?” Damian asked Five.

He had managed to corner the man - not a box, never a child. Damian had eyes and he could see and five walked like an old man - three days after the Hargreeves’ arrival.

Five mustered him, then he smirked. “When I was your age? Oh, a couple dozen for sure. Small-time criminals really. I only moved on to the big guns afterward. Nazis, a king, presidents...”

“Why are so proud of it?”

Five raised a brow. “Should I not be? It’s just another skill and one I excel at. You do as well, don’t you?”

Damian clenched his hands to fists, counted to ten and exhaled. This is not you, he told himself. This is not who you will be.

He couldn’t help but think that Ra’s and the monster Nyssa had forced to wear his mother’s face, would have adored Five.

“If you hurt any member of my family, you will pay for it.”

Damian knew the weight of being raised with blood on his hands. There was nothing to be proud of.

Cassandra was wary of their guests. She knew that they meant no harm to them and were mostly confused and broken apart. Her family didn’t always get along well either - Cassandra for example always insisted on sticking close to Jason on patrol. She wanted to trust him, she did, but she also knew what would happen should he falter, so she chose to be at his side - but they were family.

The Hargreeves siblings had been raised together, and they were comfortable in each others’ personal spaces in a way only family could, but they weren’t exactly unified.

“They do not speak,” Cassandra told Bruce. “They say a lot, but they do not speak.”

Most of the time, the siblings could be found sassing each other, brooding over plans on how to get back in a world that was currently in a post-apocalyptical state, but they never actually said what was going on through their mind.

It was frustrating.

It gave Cassandra a headache and it needed to change.

“You need to speak,” Cassandra told Allison.

The young woman was still rendered mute, though they hoped to fix that soon. Allison had taken to carrying around a tablet with some preprogrammed words and questions such as “yes”, “no”, “maybe” and “Can I have-?”.

While that form of communication obviously annoyed Allison greatly, she didn’t seem to mind her muteness itself.

‘I’m speaking as good as I can,’ Allison typed away. Her body screamed ‘do not talk to me, I can’t take it, I do not want to say another word.’

Cassandra frowned. Talking to others was so difficult. She wished they would just understand her in the same way she could read them.

“I do not like to speak either,” Cassandra admitted. “It is fractured. Difficult. Easy to misunderstand.”

Perhaps that was why Cassandra preferred singing to talking. She didn’t have an angel’s voice, but she also didn’t sound like a demon. Music could convey so much word than simple sentences with the same effort.

“But I learned and I enjoy listening to my siblings. You need to say what you need, not what you want.”

‘Isn’t that the same?’

Cassandra shook her head and held out her hand. “No, it’s not. Come with me.”

Maybe she could teach Allison to see a little bit like Cassandra could. Tim and Jason were training together right now. There was always a lot of conversation going on between the two, even if neither spoke up.

The last week had been interesting.

Killer mimes on Monday, speaking animals on Tuesday and superheroes from another dimension on Wednesday. Duke had a lot of thoughts about that procession of events, mainly that he could not care less. Just another regular week in a household of Gotham vigilantes. He hadn’t yet really had the time to work with a lot of people of other cities, figure out if their lives were just as crazy as Duke’s. He honestly didn’t know any other life, Gotham has always been crazy, though he definitely would trade it for a bit more peace and quiet.

Just once in a while it would be nice if his biggest worry was an upcoming test and not whether his stab wound would heal any time soon.

Duke was about to leave the guest wing - he was fairly sure Jason had hidden his PlayStation there, but Duke hadn’t been able to find it yet - when he heard a loud crash. Sighing, he turned around and walked back into the direction he had come from.

The sound must have come from one of the rooms the Hargreeves were staying in. Personally, Duke thought that they really needed to be kicked off their pedestal and get their shit together.

But that just might also be because he was the only meta on a team full of normal non-enhanced humans who could all kick his ass.

Well, Jason’s totally human status was up for debate because he healed way too quickly and could also maybe see ghosts.

Not that he ever admitted to it, but ever since Duke had gained more control over his powers, he noticed when people moved strangely, when the light flickered. There was just something off about Jason, but that really wasn’t the point.

The point was that Vanya had probably been practicing with her powers again without supervision.

Her door was the only one open and Duke was fairly sure everyone else was eating lunch right now.

Vanya’s hair was a mess, and so were the insides of her room. Some picture frames were broken, a couple items damaged - it looked like a storm had raged in here.

Duke knocked on the door frame. “Are you alright?”

She was breathing erratically, stuck somewhere between wanting to breathe and being stuck in the earlier high.

Duke waited for her to calm down.

That had been the hardest lesson to learn. If you want to master your abilities, you can’t rely on your emotions for the push to use them. He needed to be focused to only use them when he wanted to.

“Better?” Duke asked after a couple minutes.

“... Yes.”

“Good.”

He sat down on the ground, just a few feet away from her.

“Average Sunday afternoon, right?” He said with a smile.

“What?”

“You know.” Duke pointed at the broken glass lying on the floor. “Powers out of control, a panic attack, bit of existential crisis on the side.” He shrugged. “Ordinary Sunday afternoon.”

Vanya looked at him like he might have grown a second head - or a third one. Second heads were too casual, three sounded like a good strange number.

“How is this ordinary?” Vanya asked, throwing her hands up. “We’re stuck in another universe and I’m talking to fifteen-year-old-”

“I’m sixteen actually,” Duke interrupted.

Vanya rolled her eyes. “Fine, a sixteen-year-old in a house that’s like 200 years old whose owner dresses his children up in bat costumes to fight criminals.”

Duke ran his fingers through his hair. “Like I said, normal Sunday afternoon. Though, really, we do the dressing up ourselves and we’re not all bats.”

Duke stopped to think. “Some of us are birds first actually. Anyway, do you feel like lunch? You can clean up later. And you really shouldn’t practice without supervision, it totally sucks, speaking from experience here.”

“You’re the only one with powers right?” Vanya asked as she got up from the floor.

She still sounded as suspicious as they all had on the first day when they discovered only Duke had powers. It was common knowledge that the Bats didn’t have any powers within the Justice League, even though some doubted it still and Duke thought it made sense. Most of the time they were just really annoying and impractical. Sure, being indestructible like Superman had its benefits, but Duke being deathly allergic to a green rock was kind of stupid. The speed of the Flash was also pretty sweet only as long as it didn’t kill you or made you time travel.

“Yep,” Duke answered. “Though I actually joined the vigilant business before I knew I had them. See, there was this battle between Batman and the Joker-”

Maybe all of them just needed to relax a bit and learn how to define their own normal.

#dc comics #batfam #The Umbrella Academy #damian wayne #cassandra cain #duke thomas #five hargreeves #allison hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #dc #fanfic #writing duke was fun #he's just a chill guy

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