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nyahkmenrah · 1 month

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Plural nation, I feel like sharing my experiences as a fictive that formed in childhood. This will be a bit long so I’ll put it under the cut. And NATM nation, idk if this will interest you but if you want to know what being a fictive of Ahkmenrah is like, feel free to read :).

For a little background, I’m one of the oldest alters we know of. There’s a few before me, but I was among the first 5. I split sometime shortly after the release of the 2nd movie so in 2009. The body would have been 7ish. Prior to that, the first movie we didn’t catch in cinemas, but we did have it (totally legally) on a USB that we watched religiously. So NATM was very much a childhood movie for the whole system.

My first memory is sometime after the movie was released and we saw it in cinemas, we’d gotten some of the happy meal toys. I so vaguely remember holding the Octavius on the squirrel toy, the way it felt and the smell of the McDonald’s playground. I pushed it down the slide, watched it go flying off the end (rip Octavius I just fucking launched you). Later that day I remember taking our sisters toy, the Easter island head one and sitting at the coffee table with it.

The next thing I remember clearly is climbing on a rope climbing frame and drinking a juice box with some cousins (I eventually found actual pictures of this in a photo album, we unknowingly caught one of my first proper fronts on camera). I was definitely a kid back then, I’d split in the mind and body of a child and I acted accordingly.

But those two early memories I have, I didn’t actually know who I was yet. I hadn’t really realised that I wasn’t in my own body and world yet. I was just focused on being a kid I suppose, I’d been pulled to the front to play, to have fun and distract from everything else going on at the time. But I remember the moment I realised who I was so, so clearly.

I was sitting in front of our old, boxy TV in purple winter pyjamas, watching the first movie again. And when on screen pulled the wraps off my face and start talking, something just clicked. That’s me, that guy on TV, that’s me. I remember being really confused, but I was still in a kids body and it was late at night so I guess we were just too tired to really react much. But I went to bed that night suddenly aware that I was too short, and too young, not a boy in this body, my eyes were the wrong colour, my skin was the wrong shade etc.

No joke only a few weeks later, the host went on a school camp. That camp is significant because it’s what influenced our headspace. The host had so much fun and loved that camp so much the brain basically copied the layout and made a proper headspace with it. THAT was when I actually got to interact with the other alters we had at the time, got to see myself in the right body internally and kind of pieced together why I was here and what had happened.

I’m the one that would front whenever the others were too stressed or tired. I was a protector in a way, I stopped us from getting too overwhelmed by coming to the front to play or isolate depending on what we needed at the time. I started to become a very prominent system member as we got to be an older kid. I was the one who got us obsessed with Hello Kitty and bought the history books home from the school library, I was the one who’d always suggest NATM as the sleepover movie, I was the one who helped pick the dining room decor when we moved (it’s ancient Egyptian art obviously). I was subconsciously trying to make the environment around me more familiar to me, more fun and relaxing by doing things I enjoyed.

Exomemories started to develop as we got into the preteen years I’d say. I was suddenly recalling things that happened to my character in an almost first person way. The same way you recall an event that happened in your childhood. It’s distant, you know it happened but you can’t picture it well. The more the host (and I) explored fandom spaces and the third movie had come out by then, the more I started to remember. I think us being older and able to have more complex brain functions paired with the hyperfixating on my source was what kicked off the brain forming exomemories. But it was around this time I started to really realise that I’m not real.

I am, Ahkmenrah the introject is. But Ahkmenrah the character, isn’t. Ahkmenrah is a pharaoh that isn’t real, made for the movie franchise. He’s fictional and yet, I’m him. All these people I remember and care for, they’re fictional too. I’m just a brain function with the personality of the fictional pharaoh, and I’ll never see my friends and family again because they’re now even real. That whole identity crisis kind of fucked me up for a bit. And the oncoming gender fuckery didn’t help either. I always knew I was bodily male and fronting in an AFAB body, but the realisation that I didn’t really mind it is what gave me an oh shit moment. In the end I just settled on demiboy adjacent, but that was a whole trip to go through.

By the teenage years, I’d grown up, the body had grown up and the host was becoming aware of the system. The co host was the first one to talk to them, but I was close behind. It was an odd feeling, I was talking to this person I’ve shared a body with for years. Someone who’s talked to me under the assumption I was just a daydream they were having for years. We know practically everything about each other but we’re just now formally meeting. My role had kind of shifted by now, I more held onto childhood memories and interests. But I’ve always been a rather frequent fronter, so I was one of the alters who helped the host explore the system as a whole more during the system awakening.

And then finally, as an adult in a now adult body who understands plurality and why I’m here the way I am, I can honestly say that I don’t mind being a fictive. Yes it has its downsides, the identity issues, the exotrauma, the not matching the body etc. but I was put here for a reason. As a child, the host saw my character and thought ‘they can help me. I can trust them’. And I split to help, to have fun and handle stress by unwinding and having alone time. I’m here because I was seen as someone who was strong enough to get through something difficult and I made out out the other side. I care for the system, they’re my family, my lovers, my friends. And I know that if they were to meet my sourcemates, all of them would get along with each other amazingly.

I have two found families, my sourcemates and my system. Being fictive isn’t so bad, because at the end of the day I’m here because a child looked at me and thought ‘he can help me’. And I did, I’m glad the host trusted me to help them.

#oh boy this is a ramble #endo safe #fictive blog #introject blog #introject #fictive #plural things #plural blog #just system things #multiple system #system blog #system #multiplicity #osdd #alters #plural system

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loot-loottee · 2 months

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Unwinding Adventures: My Semestral Break

February 07 2024, by: Charlotte Jean Almazan

This is my sembreak journey. The semestral break provides a priceless chance for students to rejuvenate their fatigued bodies and brains. Students frequently experience exhaustion due to the unrelenting demands of their studies, exams, and extracurricular activities. But, students can take advantage of this time off from school to relax and get much-needed rest. The semestral break enables people to refill their exhausted energy levels, ensuring they return to their studies refreshed and revitalized. This might involve anything from relaxing with a good book to traveling to exotic locales.

During my sembreak, I discovered a lot of things, and spent my quality time with my friends and family. I personally enjoyed every small time I spent with someone I adore. Sharing the stories I had experienced, making friendship bracelets together, learning skills I wanted to learn like: playing a guitar, drawing and writing. I enjoyed a lot during my sembreak by committing the things I love to do, especially wandering! Travelling is like therapy for me because I can discover a lot of things by exploring. I went to the Bambanti festival Ilagan not just once but twice. Every light I see there is very colorful, the fragrance of the foods, the circumstances happening there, and watching the fireworks exploding noisily up in the high sky. The happiness I've felt was over the roof. I personally watched some pageants where different municipalities came from, watched different band concerts like Sunkissed Lola etc. I also tried new foods, and took pictures while exploring the area.

In addition, I personally tried to challenge myself by cooking various dishes, this experience didn't just make me feel happy and enthusiastic but also improved my cooking skills.Another skill I learned when my sister taught me how to crochet and sew. We made crochet plushies together. I will not forget all the moments I've spent my time with my family or someone I adore. It's really the happiest moment. I have ever experienced visited my friends to have a bonding or reunion. We went for a movie marathon, went to Amusement park, rode some rides like, ferris wheel, vikings, etc. After the fun we had in the Amusement park, we went to the famous cafe called "Apayao Brew". We talked about how we have been doing at school and even interesting stories. After all the traveling around Ilagan, we rested for a few hours at home and after which, we decided to go to Camp Samal Viewdeck near my school. We stayed there for a few hours and also took pictures. I really cherish all the things happening in my life. I could never forget. It's the most important thing in myself. Another thing I did during the break, was attending a mass to connect and communicate with God. I prayed all the things I did bad. After the mass we went for a Jollibee. I really love it when little moments are already precious to me, it makes me; feel joy and fulfilled. In addition, I've also read a lot of romance books, and sweet romance books. I really love reading books because it can make my vocabulary knowledge bigger and have big imaginations, sweet romance books like: Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez and more. I and my cousins and friends also went biking, it was really tiring but it's a good exercise for me. There's also the time when me and my grandparents went to the farm along with my best friend, we went on star gazing, it's honestly so beautiful and It's like a galaxy or milky way, stars shining so so bright I could break my neck just to stare at it. My friends and I also made "Do It Yourself" (DIY) paper flowers, paper stars, paper rings, and even decorations. I love the way it turned out because it's so so cute. My best friend visited me and helped me reorganize my room and it was unexpected to have that much trash. After we reorganized my room, I asked him to play board games and video games with me like chess, monopoly and genshin impact. It was honestly so fun.

#semester break #blog #writing #english #life #family bonding

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sea-saur · 2 months

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gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

#transmasc #gender rant #it's really train of thought under there #basically a diary entry lol like i needed to get this out #like why do i still feel like a girl in my head!!#it drives me crazy!#fuck!

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justasimplesinner · 1 year

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Trigger Warning Self Harm

Could I get a snippet of The Big Bois and Venom reaction to the following? After a lovely date, whatever that would entail for the character, their S/O begins to cry. The guys, heavily concerned, ask about it. The S/O grins sheepishly and says slowly, " You know that scar ( or those scars) I have ( a body part). Well it's been a year, a year. Since I've last done something to hurt myself like that Due largely to you just, being supportive."

I understand if this is too dark, if so I completely understand not writing this, I'm just asking this bc I have a few scars from my own relapses n I like to think about some big strong dude loving me regardless them n helping me love myself. Sry this is super self indulgent and embarrassed which is why I'm on anon okay bye thank you so much

ok hun i know im fucking late to the party, and personally i do not have such experiences as you did (im sorry you had to go through shit like this) so this might really not be what you wanted, but if i can in any way make you feel better with my horrendous writing, i will also, im fucking sorry, but imma go with just bane k? im trying to get back to writing and shit aint easy, so im hoping to take it one step at a time TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF SCARS AND SELF-HARM

Bane with a s/o that used to self-harm:

you two didn't go on dates that often. i mean yeah, he did spoil you, that he did, but he's more the type to do little things for you instead of taking you out on fancy dinners. what i mean is carrying you to bed and covering you with a blanket whenever you fall asleep in a place you definitely shouldn't sleep in, leaving your favourite snacks in places where you'll easily find them etc. however, whatever his darling wants, his darling gets, and if that's a dinner date at a nice restaurant, then so be it

it was also a nice way to celebrate your first anniversary, so he really had no way to refuse

he may not have taken you to the fanciest place out there, and yet you felt like royalty. it was a nice corner mexican joint, he knew the owners and they were one of the only people that served him without question, and he always offered them his protection. they set your table nicely, even pulled out fancy champagne flutes (yeah, there were plastic, but so what), put decorations on your table - to put it shortly, they did their best and also made the place feel very homey and comfortable

the evening was great. nice food, cheap but good alcohol, cozy atmosphere, conversations that stretched on for hours filled with laughter. that was exactly why you loved him. for his respect for you, for his care, for his protectiveness, for his dad-jokes and stupid, booming laugh that you swore made the walls tremble. he was the one, you knew it. you've never had someone you felt this comfy with, who made you feel so safe and loved, who never treated you like you were worth nothing, like you didn't deserve anything coming your way. but most importantly, you've never had someone that made you believe in your own strength and worth, that made you believe you deserved to be loved

you really didn't want to break down in front of him. things were going so well, you were trying to be strong - and he was really helping with that - but… it all came crashing down really. and it was a big, confusing mix of everything - of guilt, of shame, of pride, of happines, of love. you couldn't handle that

Bane got a little scared there ngl. i mean, you looked so happy, and then suddenly, you come home with him and start bawling your eyes out. he was a little confused, to say the least

and that's when the dam finally broke. you've never told anyone about this, about your own suffering, but he made you feel so safe and you wanted him to know. you wanted him to feel how grateful you were and only hoped that he wouldn't turn away from you after this

it took a lot of courage from you, he could feel it. you were practically trembling, your voice breaking as you clutched at his arm when you told him everything. about where those scars actually came from and how he helped you with that without even knowing, how there weren't any new ones since you two started your relationship

he's quiet most of the time, just holding you close, but he knows he has to say something less you'd think he hated you. that much he already learned, about the validation you needed from him. he doesn't throw any accusations at you, like how you could've told him sooner or if you were scared of telling him. i mean, of course you were fucking scared of saying that and that's what made him feel so special that you finally did

he will whisper simple, loving words of encouragement while he lightly rocks you both in a slow rythm. he will tell you how grateful he is that you've told him this, how proud he is of your progress, how happy he feels to be the one to help you through this. he wants you to know that your words mean a lot to him, that you mean a lot to him and he's going to love you no matter what

#my writing #headcannons #bane #eduardo dorrance #tw self harm #tw scars #tw sh #fluff #some angst #well a good bit of angst #but oh well #came out worse than expected #not surprised #i will crawl out of this writing block hellhole tho #anonymous

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moonfromearth · 11 months

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thank you so much @minty-plumbob and @seokolat for the tag!! 🤩

What's your favorite sims death? Hmm I don't really know... I guess death by cowplant just because it's a classic.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match? Maxis Match!

Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? No I don't really like to but I will confess that I have used the weight loss potion a grand total of twice a long time ago, once to see what it did and another time because I'd made it in the science career, however I hat using it and always regret it. So, yeah, I leave their weight alone unless they're like sims that would be really into staying fit or something.

Do you use move objects? All of the time. I wouldn't survive without it 😆

Favorite mod? UI cheats!

First Expansion/Game/Stuff Pack? Seasons! By the time I got the game I think they were up to Island Living in releases so I decided that seasons were highest on the priority list. I have no idea what my first game and stuff packs were 😅

Do you pronounce "live mode" like aLIVE or LIVing? aLIVE mode because I always thought of it like a camera being live, like live recording, if that makes sense.

Who's your favorite sim that you've made? Corey! I love him so much and had such a great time playing as him! 😄

Have you made a sim self? Yeah! I make one about the same time every year or so (it's not really consistent 😅). I'm about due for a new one now...

What sim traits do you give yourself? I'd give myself socially awkward, creative, and clumsy. And the Bestselling Author aspiration 😉

Which is your favorite EA hair color? I think the newest black swatch because I use it all of the time. But I really like the darkest brown swatch too I think it's really pretty.

Favorite EA hair? The one male hair from Discover University (I gave it to Corey for the Strangerville round of the Globetrotter Challenge) because I love the texture of it so it's only gone to my two favorite sims pretty much. I also love the one Dream Home Decorator hair, the side parted one with the really defined part I don't know why I just love that one!

Favorite life stage? Young Adult! There's a lot to do during that life stage and it's fun to start over and stuff. I've really enjoyed doing Adult makeovers though since I've been working on realism so there's that.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? Gameplay! I'll build things when the inspiration strikes or I want something to be my own that I built but otherwise I stick to gameplay and CAS and enjoy everyone else's beautiful builds.

Are you a CC creator? No but if I had the time I wouldn't mind dabbling in some pose making... I'm just not sure what poses I'd make 😅

Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? Yeah I've definitely made friends on here and I have so many lovely mutuals that have made it awesome to be here 🥰

What's your favorite game? (1, 2, 3, or 4) Unfortunately I've only gotten to play 4 so I'll say 4 but I wiiish I could buy 3 or 2 because they look so fun but I'm happy with playing 4 for now.

Do you have any sims merch? Nope.

Do you have a YouTube for sims? Okay... It's really old and only has a few very embarrassing videos on it but yes I do. I kind of want to start making videos again but first I have to get OBS to work with me. If anyone's curious it's my same name, MoonFromEarth (but the old name was RandomYT).

How has your "sim style" changed throughout your years of playing? Wow it has changed so much since I started they used to look terrible I feel so bad for them 😭 They didn't look too bad but compared to how I make sims now it's pretty different. I used to lean a lot more into a cartoony style with bigger eyes and stuff, but honestly since my drawing style has changed I think my sims style changed to reflect that new style, going to more realistic eye sizes and experimenting with different body types, noses, etc. so I'd like to think it's a lot better now.

Who's your favorite CC creator? RatBoySims and Rebouks for poses and sforzinda and laeska for CAS (that's a lot of favorites but they're all so good!)

How long have you had a simblr? Since October of 2021!

How do you edit your pictures? I use Krita for most of my editing like adding text and other fancy things.

What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? I want bands so bad! Only because it would just be so cool! I feel like they even have the perfect base with the club system because I imagine it working in a similar way. Also, I feel like a pack with bands could also include some bonus additions for music in the game like maybe some new instruments?

What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? Okay favorite expansion is probably City Living I looove San Myshuno so much and all of the festivals! Game Pack is probably Vampires or Werewolves and my favorite Stuff Pack is Nifty Knitting!

I feel like I've seen pretty much everyone do this by now so if you haven't yet feel free to say that I tagged you! 😊

#i'm so so sorry this is so late #i took forever to answer these #this was a really good one though!!#tag game

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solarpire · 1 year

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Hello, optional tag game here! List 5 things that make you happy. Then if you want, you can put this in the askbox of the last 10 people who reblogged something from you. Learn about your mutuals and followers~

Ohh this sounds fun! Ok ok

1. Trying new foods. Especially fun drinks. I cannot get enough of fun new flavors. I've discovered I really like brazilian cheese bread (unfortunately dont remember the name, but it's such a nice squishy texture), sweet potato fries, chicken hearts, chicken katsudon, taro boba (when it's made well, some people make it very rubbery and flavorless(and I LOVE when I can get cream cheese foam on it)), cheesecake, melon flavored drinks, lychee flavored drinks, and calpico to name a couple things. I used to be really picky when I was younger, so I'm really happy I'm at a place where I'm comfortable trying new stuff :)

2. New hobbies. I really love finding new things to do with my hands, it just feels good to see the evidence of something you've worked hard on. I've tried sculpting, carving, jewelry making, bone cleaning, sewing, book binding, writing, baking, acting, etc etc. I just love figuring out how something new works. Atm I really want to get into fursuit making, game making, car maintenance, and getting better at writing. I've got two different stories on the back burner, a queer slasher horror book and a horror dating game about people in different fields of medicine/science (I really havent worked much on either, but they make me happy to think about and talk about. If anyone is interested in hearing about either just lmk ^^)

3. Being butch. This is a part of my identity I've only recently become comfortable identifying with, I was worried it shouldn't be for me seeing as I identify as nonbinary and tend to be attracted to men and nonbinary people more often than women, but now I feel so at home in it. Loving others and loving myself has just felt so much more authentic through this new perspective on my identity. I love being butch, I love the way my body looks, how I am big and strong and soft and fuzzy and made for loving and caring for the people around me, I love my relationship with queer masculinity, and how it doesnt restrain me from taking joy in my queer femininity when I feel it, I love the way it makes me feel when I clean or fix or make things, when I use my hands, I love how I look with my boots jeans belt and carabiner with a little bear tag on it, I love taking care of my loved ones and making sure they know they're cared for, and I love the way I am loved for it. Butch boy bear girl is just who I am 👍

4. Tattoos. I plan on eventually going into tattooing as a job! Theres a couple things I have to get taken care of before I start seeking out an apprenticeship, but I want it more than anything. I feel like I would really enjoy the medium, and helping people decorate themselves in whatever way is personal to them, whether it's got a deep personal meaning, or they just think itll look nice on them. I think helping people feel that freedom of identity is such an honor and I cant wait to get there

5. My partners. YEAH ITS CHEESY IK. But I just got into a new relationship with two more people that have been my closest friends for a few years just a week or two ago after getting to meet them in person for the first time. We're taking things slow, but all three of them just make me so so happy, and seeing how happy they are with each other makes me even more happy, and I'm so glad and grateful that these wonderful lovely people are in my life (I wont name or @ any of them for their privacy, but if any of you see this hiii ❤❤❤)

#asks #thanks kaly!!

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the-diary-of-red-beryl · 3 months

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To my 18 year old self

Writer's note: this one's a little messy editorially and some statements I've chosen not to elaborate on this time round, but I think overall it gets my feelings across fairly okay.

I met my younger self today. 18 year old me, to be exact.

It had been a while, since I don’t have a consistent way of getting in touch with her. But this particular encounter came about after eating lunch.

I do this thing where I forget to eat because I don’t notice my early hunger cues, so then I get ravenously hungry, and then I really crave a huge, heavy meal (today it was dry spicy hotpot noodles). I’m usually sad after eating this meal, for all sorts of reasons I think, like the disappointment following eating to fill a void of emptiness or loneliness, the loneliness of eating a meal alone, coming back to reality after the distraction of hunger subsides, or even just the onset of tiredness from my body digesting the food (tired = sad). Because the act of eating is me trying to cheer myself up, usually I panic when my mood drops after eating.

I decided not to panic this time. I let the sadness wash over me, and then it happened.

I felt like I was 18 again, emotionally (something to do with the amygdala, schemas, emotional memory, etc.). Now, my range of emotions as an 18 year old were quite tragic, ranging from complete despair to sickening anxiety at best (I would have been in between my second and third attempts within a year). Typically I would feel a pit in my stomach if I were to feel these emotions exactly as my younger self did (nonono make it stop not this again) because in the past I would’ve worried over if I could survive returning to that place, but it felt different this time because I understood that this time round it was me reconnecting with my younger self. I actually felt happy that I was feeling sad. It's like meeting an old friend, whom you haven't seen in a long time but think about a lot from time to time.

“I have so much to tell you.”

Truthfully, I don't feel very much about my current self. I feel mediocre, unaccomplished, barely functioning basic adult tasks and still overthink way too much over small interactions and being perceived. But today I felt that the 18 year old me who sees me now as my 23 year old self, five years on, sees me in complete awe.

Reality is, I clawed my way through the last half decade painfully, making it this far by the skin of my teeth. And I feel that I have so much further to go and so much more to work on myself to be okay and finally be at peace. Every day is still hard to get through, and I’m just so tired still. But that 18 year old girl who sees me now, she cries because it’s beyond her wildest imaginations what she thought she could have or would become in these years since.

I finished my university degree in three years with good grades, and from a notoriously difficult major at that, with a 33% course completion rate, after barely managing to finish highschool. I moved out of home at 20, and have been financially self-sufficient ever since. I work a high-paying full time job now, which I got offered even before graduating from my degree. I even own my own place, decorated how I like.

I'm covered in tattoos, have boy hair, and I’m physically healthier than ever. I have clothes that I like to wear and make me feel like me when I wear them. I'm happier with how I look now, especially now that I'm medically transitioning (didn't expect that one did ya). She's absolutely obsessed with what I changed my name to, too.

I have a very loving kitten that gives me little kisses every day. I got around to doing judo again, and piano, and reading, and learning Japanese, bass guitar, drawing, origami, cross-stitching, baking; all the things I thought I'd never have the energy to do again.

The past few years, I've been so disconnected from life just trying to make it through and do what I thought I needed to do, that I haven't felt that I was truly living. Dissociation is a mechanism that works, but that’s the cost that it comes with. I don't regret it because I was doing the best I could with what I had, but I recognise that it no longer serves me as well now that I've created a safer environment for myself.

Depression is the death of self-expression.

So, what do I want to tell my 18 year old self?

You are enough. You are not too much, and you’re not too little. You are enough.

I’m sorry that no one was able to tell you that growing up, that no one was there for you even in the worst of times when you needed them most. That you had to worry about things no 18 year old had business worrying over, that life felt so terribly bleak that you didn’t even want to see adulthood.

Life isn’t ‘good’ yet where I am now, and it might never be. I still don’t feel ‘okay’, and I still feel disconnected when people ask ‘how are you?’ or ‘are you happy?’ because I’m terrible at lying and it always feels so inauthentic to give a non-answer and hide myself. I still dread tomorrow as I struggle to sleep, and I still wake up in panic, as I dread the day that unforgivingly comes towards me. But I don’t wake up violently crying and shaking anymore. I can fall asleep alone now, albeit not easily. And I still feel so, so desperately lonely.

But the air smells fresh and very real as it passes through my lungs and sets it on fire. I notice the subtle colours in the sky, morning, day and night, and the smell of trees and flowers as I pass by, the feel of sand or concrete as I walk the paths of my neighbourhood.

My house is mine and mine only, and within it I am safe. No one can threaten me at home anymore, and I can laze around in bed and sleep in as much as I like. Here, no one can make me feel terribly flawed for existing as I am, no one can make me feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders for things that I was never ever meant to be responsible for. I don’t have to engage with people that make me feel unsafe, not anymore.

I sing now, so much, in the four walls of my home, and with so much heart that I cry. I pour my heart out in my writing, even when it’s not addressed to anyone in particular. I still don’t particularly know my personality or who I really am, but I no longer feel as strongly that I need to fit in with others. I’ve stopped trying so hard to make connections work with nice people, or even not so nice people, and listen more to what my heart really wants. I don’t bend backwards for others anymore, nor do I bend backwards to do things I ‘should’ be doing. I simply just try to hold space to let myself be me, to exist as I am, and let myself grow and change the way I want to. I let my existence express itself as it interacts with this world.

The tea and coffee I brew smells good, tastes sweet and is warm to the touch. There is always food at home, or out, which I can always afford. I allow myself to eat, to nourish my body and allow it to do the things it does to keep me alive. I keep an abundance of fruits and snacks in my house, and I bake often to share. People’s eyes light up when I offer them my baked goods, and they tell me how good it tastes.

I don’t feel any less lonely, but lately I’ve noticed more complicated expressions from some people in my life when they look at me, albeit briefly. I have none that I consider myself close to, but these people sometimes look at me like they have so much to say that is too hard to put into words. Nothing bad, but if I had to translate that look, it’s akin to something like, ‘I can tell how much you’ve been through, and you’re so incredibly strong for facing it and getting through.’ I don’t feel any less lonely, but I feel that I am sharing space with real people now where our lives intersect, whether through work or life, and these people feel human.

I still don’t have someone that I can easily rely on for big things or small things, someone I can feel safe and willingly open up to, and share my experiences of being alive with. But it’s not something that makes me want to die anymore. I can live without it, indefinitely. I know that I’ll be okay now even if that person never comes, even if I never feel ‘fine’. Because I live this life for my own sake, to find out who I am in all my aspects, and appreciate that as I discover more and more about myself as I go on living.

I’m still as lonely as ever, but I think you’d appreciate that I did meet someone I find special. Probably because he reminded me of you, either someone who you wanted to become, or someone who you would’ve needed and appreciated having in your life at the time. Someone who is mutually attracted to me, who spoke to me first because he really liked something about me. Who I find so cool and amazing in terms of hobbies, endeavours, emotionally and intellectually. A person to whom I’ve written as raw as I could to, who seems to hear what I say even if he doesn’t say much in return. Who tries his best to find the right words and emotional energy to make me feel seen and heard, even when things are hard. His words and efforts speak volumes. He’s not always around, but I don’t find myself doubting his intentions like you had with your people. I’m not sure if this connection will culminate into something more or exist for long, but regardless it’s something I’ve deeply appreciated having experienced, because I know it’s what you needed to hear about. And I can tell you that life was worth living thus far just to experience this connection. From your time when everyone you were surrounded by felt like nothing more than trees, I can tell you that it’s possible to feel this way for another human and for them to feel something deeper for you, because it’s happened. It was possible.

I feel like all my efforts in the last five years were so that I could go back and tell my younger self, ‘hey, I'm sorry it took so long. I'm here for you now.’ I needed to become the kind of person my 18 year old self felt that she could trust, rely on and open up to. Mentally she's next to me now, albeit briefly, as I offer to hold her hand and lead her through the next phase of my life. I'm not perfect and I've a long way to go, but I'm more confident that I'm strong enough now to be able to take her with me, because I know that I will always rise again after a fall, no matter what other challenges life may throw at me. Sometimes she’ll feel like leaving again because it doesn’t feel safe, or it feels too hard, and that’s okay. It’s okay to go back to somewhere that feels safe and familiar, and I will hold space for her and when things feel okay again she can choose to come out once more because she will always have a seat at this table.

#diaryposting #diary entry #my diary #journal #diary #self reflecting #writing #online diary #dear diary

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steamishot · 1 year

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rest of january

i’m glad that in comparison to this time last year, there’s at least more things going on in life haha. on my birthday week, matt started his per diem job at the hospital he did residency at. he worked 3 of the 7 days he had off. i don’t prefer this, but it seems that it can be decent money for not too much work (once he gets used to it). so far the frequency of picking up extra shifts will be every other month.

the day before my birthday, we used an inkind amex offer to basically get a very nice sushi/wagyu meal that would have cost ~$150 for about $35 total. on my birthday, we continued the tradition of going to pye boat and then also picked up some cheese and beer for a charcuterie board. watched the classic little mermaid that night! on the other side, my niece celebrated her first birthday and a giant party was thrown for her. my brother also got laid off from his company after 10 years so now they’re in a funemployment phase.

LNY: it was such terrible news that there were back to back shootings in monterey park and half moon bay, both perpetrated by older asian men and in an area that hit close to home. i did get to celebrate with a meetup group by getting dimsum in flushing. the more i socialize with meetup groups, the more it solidifies that i am lacking enough social daily interactions to make me feel happy/not so isolated. so, my goal is to continue attending more meetup group meetings.

matt and i rented a car for the first time ever on the east coast and drove for the first time ever here. we got a tesla and it was the first time that either of us had driven one (outside of a test run). i felt so in my comfort zone when we had the car. the “little things” that we used to do in LA - i.e. drive to a market where there’s an actual parking lot, grab groceries to bring back to the car, eat and drink in the comfort of your car, listen to music in your car, sunbathe in the car, etc. was super nice. i have memories of driving up towards mountain creek while matt fed me kimbap and chips from hmart while sipping on a nice iced latte (taking in the dead trees winter nature vibes haha). driving in actual NYC was quite stressful, but driving in jersey and upstate was very nice.

this past weekend was the first time that i’ve ever gone snowboarding and it was matt’s second time. i had no idea what to expect, so i didn’t really know what to look for when choosing a location. i believe i selected a place where the snow isn’t “real” and is more slippery? anyhow, first time snowboarding was tough and i almost felt like crying when i went down the slope the first run. i kept falling, underestimated how heavy the equipment would be, and my fragile 30s body wasn’t having it. matt had so much fun so i went with him for a second and third run. i was feeling dread each time going up the ski lifts and it felt torturous. i had a mental block/fear of falling and i would prematurely fall or stop myself if i felt i was moving too fast on the board. on my third and final run, i did sooo much better after having to constantly remind myself to stay calm and that it’s okay. i went from falling like 15x to only 3x down the slope lol. the snowboarding trip definitely felt like i conquered a mental challenge (it was 80% mental, 20% physical).

that night, we stayed at a b&b hosted by an indian man named anil. his giant house had ten rooms and this was the most “authentic” b&b experience we’ve ever had. the furniture and decor were old but it really felt cozy and like we were staying with family. he even cooked us breakfast in the morning and poured us some nice coffee.

this week, we also watched harry potter on broadway. it’s great that matt now has a lot more time off so we’re able to do things. but it can also be a challenge for me to manage his time off with my work/studies. i obviously want to go out and do stuff on his off week, with the flexible nature of my work, but sometimes it becomes stressful when i choose to play hooky lol.

therapy: matt had his second therapy session and it was great. i feel that it grounded him so much. thanks josephine. we had a second couples therapy sessions with laurie as well, but ultimately decided her style of counseling isn’t as helpful - she tends to mostly listen, stay neutral and not provide much structure, suggestions, or challenge us. we have matched with a different therapist and will hopefully start next week. i have my second individual therapy session this thursday. my free trial ends after this next session, but i am contemplating paying out of pocket for 1x/month sessions if she is really helpful.

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miyaniacs · 3 years

Text

Christmas Eve

a/n: I wish you all of you who celebrate Christmas a Happy Christmas and I hope event this year was horrible, you all find at least a bit of joy and peace. If any of you needs to talk because they have to deal with some family or personal issues during this time, I'm here for you. At those how don't celebrate it: It isn't, besides Bokutos, really themed about religion, it’s just to hopefully make all of you laugh ❤️

form: total shitpost

characters: Atsumu, Osamu, Sakusa, Oikawa, Kuroo, Bokuto x gn!reader

warnings: lowkey nsfw (just some suggestive stuff I’d say 16+), bdsm mentions (but in a funny way - there’s nothing really sexual), mentions of sex toys and Bokuto’s is just wholesome

masterlist

Atsumu

Let’s set the atmosphere okay?

The tree is lit up, the decorations are sparkling, all the other presents are illustrated by the lights on the tree, it’s dark outside, soft snowflakes can be seen, in the background you can hear some beautiful old Christmas songs being played

The little bell rings calling you in the room

Yet, you prepared a small surprise too

With you, his family is walks into the room

They originally couldn’t make it in time and it was visible for you that this really saddened Atsumu - he’s used to spend Christmas Eve with his parents and his brother - playing silly card games, him and Osamu almost knocking over the tree etc

Well

Surprise.

You all walked in saying a loud : SURPRISE

Which turns into a loud scream as soon as they see Atsumu laying under the tree with a sexy present costume

it’s literally just a big red band wrapped around his body with the bow right over his thingy

Head rested on his elbow, one of his legs swung over the other in a rather sexy way

The screams of you and his family mix together with his screams

The only one who was still able to think fast was Osamu - that’s why now a video of the whole thing is sending to the MSBY groupchat (also to the chat they got with their old Highschool team)

While trying to escape the whole situation Atsumu got also caught in the tree

Now there’s a red fabric hanging in the tree and a naked Atsumu running upstairs

Osamu

Osamu was stressed the whole time before Christmas

He got so many jobs for some big companies to deliver his onigiri

Besides that his shop was full af with all the friends that met up again due to them being back home during the holidays

He was a mess

So you managed all the household: cooking, cleaning, making sure he at least relaxed a bit, decorating etc

You’ve barley seen him anyways

Fast forward to Christmas Eve:

You received an emergency call from Atsumu, so you’re on your way to his, mentally cursing him since you still have to make the last preparations for tonight

At his - it was just some : how do I clean this or that emergency

Annoyed af you make your way back home

Unlocking the door, you’re greeted with some ‘all I want for Christmas’ and the apartment being all dark, just illuminated with the sparkling Christmas lights

“Osamu?” You call out for him walking through the apartment, the music getting louder and louder

Opening the door to your living room, you’re greeted with the sight of Osamu, dressed in a sexy butler costume, his torso completely revealed, and a bow around his neck

“Sit down my love.” He says and pulls out one of the chairs for you

You sit down and look over the beautiful decorated table, filled with all kinds of mouth watering food

Looking back at him, your eyes rest on his toned chest “Was... was this all planned?”

“Yes, I thought I’d give you something back for all your support the past weeks” he smiles and leans down to give you a kiss

“Then I’ve been a bitch to Atsumu for no reason..” you mutter

“ There’s always a reason to be a bitch towards him” he laughs, “now, my dear - what can I serve you?” He bows

Sakusa

You in a maid uniform with lots of cleaning utensils that are sex toys Dom reader like

As soon as Sakusa enters his home on Christmas Eve, a big black fabric is pulled over his head and he’s dragged into the living room and pushed onto a chair

“Only good guys get presents right?” You say teasingly and your hands run over his chest , starting to unbutton his shirt

Slowly you pull the blindfold off his head

His eyes widen, then darken and then he looks at you with an eyeroll

“Are you serious right now?” He huffs

You’re wearing a sexy maid costume, the feather duster in one hand and the other one placed on your hip

“Nahhhhh - dirty boys aren’t allowed to talk.” You lean forward and place your finger on his lips, “how are we supposed to celebrate and enjoy Christmas when we’re both not clean?”

Leaning to the right you grab a bottle tilted “Mr Clean - hand sanitizer” rubbing it on your hands, you walk behind him and start massaging his shoulders with the body oil.

After that, you walk back around him and bend down, the skirt moving upwards, exposing everything to him

“You’re pretty clean now, but could you help me cleaning myself?” You ask and hand him a little present.

Unwrapping it, he rolls his eyes yet s smirk appears on his face

“For the really stubborn ones” he reads out looking at the lube in his hands

You look at him innocently “Yes,..., we can’t let any dirty germs touch our preciously wrapped gifts, can we?”

He nods in response and gets up, walking over to you

“No, no we can’t... let’s get you all cleaned up now ... shall we?” He asks in a husky voice and throws you over his shoulder carrying you to the bedroom

Oikawa

Getting tied up he’s exited a male dom getting into the room destroying 90% of his closet while degrading him and his style => presents a whole new closet from you and his friends and family

His clothes are horrible

Besides sports wear his taste is ... a whole catastrophe

so together with his friends you planned a surprise for him

Oikawa knew something was up- but he expected a different kind of surprise- he hoped you’d be his present tonight and that you’d strip for him, since he’s basically begging you to do so the past weeks

When it rings on his door that evening, he opens the door fully expecting to see you standing there

Quickly his smile drops when he’s got pushed back inside by a man wearing a leather mask

“Go to your closet.” He demands and makes the whip in his hand more visible

With a small Wimper oikawa hurries to the room

The man towers over him

“Open” he underlines his words with a loud whip and oikawa does as he’s told to

“Now put all your clothes in this here!” He throws a black plastic back to oikawas feet

“Strip and put them into it to.” Another whip echos through the room and oikawa whimpers again, eyes wide open and he slowly begins to pull off his hoodie

“Faster!”

“Now put this on!” He hands him a collar with a leash on it

Grabbing the black bag and the leash he drags oikawa back to the front door

“Wait wait - what are you doing !!” He finally complains

The man stops and takes out a gag and quickly fixes it around oikawas head

“MH- MHHHH HHMMM” he cries out

“QUIET!”

Opening the front door, the man drags Oikawa outside where a few people are already waiting, filming the whole thing

“Here.” The man throws the bag to the ground and hands you the lash

“Have fun.”

“Y/N MHLNG Y/N!” Oikawa ‘says’ shocked

“You didn’t listen to us ... so we had to force you.” Iwaizumi says, standing next to you

“Your clothes were horrible.” Mattsun complains

“New ones are already laying under the tree , love.” You smile and pat his head, the leash still in your hand

“Well... have fun with him - I think we should go now.” Iwaizumi laughs

Bokuto

Yes. Yes Bokuto still believes in the Christkind (just look it up - the translation is so ugly so I’m using the German word)

And it’s way too precious so non of you ever told him the truth

So here you are, getting dressed, putting on a white loose dress, white wings, soft golden eyeshadow and curling your hair / putting on a blond wig

Akaashi, Kenma and Kuroo - who will celebrate Christmas with you two - enter the house, together with Bokuto

Kuroo is talking EXTRA loud to make sure you hear them coming back

“Huh? Why is there light in the living room?- Y/N shouldn’t be home by now.” You hear Bokuto ask confused

Grabbing the small bell, you take a quick glance into the mirror and ring it

“A BELL??? OMG AKAAAAAAASSSHHHIIIIIII IS IT - OMG OMG OMGGGG!“ Bokuto screams and runs to the room

Opening the door his eyes lay on you, the angel standing next to the tree, about to place a small gift under the tree, ready to ‘leave’ again

Bokutos eyes shine like the stars, his mouth wide open, whole body shaking

“You ... you ... you’re real!?!” He mutters

‘Shocked’ you spin around, the gift still in your hands and look at him

You smile softly and walk towards him

Your hand takes his and you place the gift in his hand, get on your tip toes about to give him a small kiss on his cheek, but he moves away

“No, I’m sorry, but I got a beautiful s/o.” Your heart melts at his words, the real angel in this room truly is Bokuto himself

You smile and look at Akaashi, telling him to distract Bokuto so you can leave again - which he does

A few minutes later you open the front door, dressed as usual

“OMG Y/N - YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT!!! THE CHRISTKIND WAS HERE !!!! HERE AND IT GAVE ME THIS PRESENT!!!! ITS A PICTURE OF US ON OUR FIRST DATE!!” He rushes over to you and shoved the framed picture into your face

“A REAL ANGEL - AND YOU MISSED IT!” He pouts

“I’m sorry Bo” you mutter and give him a quick kiss

“But ... I have to admit ... besides all their beauty, you’re way prettier than them... I can’t call you angle anymore knowing that your beauty outshines them.” A soft smile forms on his lips and you feel tears forming in your eyes.

Kuroo

Kuroo saw your google history

He saw that you kept on looking for videos of a sex swing and how it works etc

So he knew the perfect present for you for Christmas

On the box it only said Swing - red, silk

So no biggie

Well... your parents invited themselves over to yours for Christmas Eve.

Together with your little cousin

Before it comes to opening up the gifts, traditionally you had dinner first.

Michale Buble was playing, your parents and his dad ( who got invited by your parents ) already had too much to wine, your little cousin bouncing on the chair, waiting to finally open up the presents.

If Kuroo knew, that your family’s would come, he wouldn’t even placed the swing under the tree, but they just appeared on your door with food and presents

So now - the swing was the biggest present

“Y/n... Y/NNNNNN” your little cousin asks you while already sitting under the tree eying all the presents

“Yes?” You laugh

“Can I open your presents????” She asks

“Sure.” You smile, knowing how much she loves opening them

Next to you, Kuroo’s heart stops, cold sweat running down his neck

Your cousin hands you the two small presents on top of the big one

“Here I just want to open the big one”

“Are those yours?” You ask and look at Kuroo, who just nods

“Babe... what’s wrong?” You ask him, but before he could answer, the ripping sound of the wrapping paper is heard

“OMG Y/N HE GOT YOU A SWING?! I’M SO JELLY!!!! AND A RED ONE TOO... OMG IS THIS A SWING OUT OF THOSE MOVIES??? THE ONES WITH SILK AND NOT WOOD???”

(Insert : oh no- Oh NO - OH NONONONOOO)

Your eyes widen.

All blood leaves yours and Kuroos face

Your mum takes a big sip out of her glass

Your dad glares at Kuroo

His dad looks ashamed at Kuroo

While your cousin opens the package and fiddles with the red silky stuff

“At least the color fits in the room.” Your mum laughs taking another sip of her wine

tagging: @kenmasgameboy

#🔪#haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x y/n #atsumu x reader #osamu x reader #sakusa x reader #oikawa x reader #kuroo x reader #bokuto x reader

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needs-to-stop-looking-at-valves · 3 years

Note

You remember that soft heat rut ask you got a while ago? I’td be SO great to see you write something like that with the construction boys, love me sum good soft smut

Oooh good point there anon, good point. Let's see what I can whip up 👍

Scrapper and Mix had been together for a long, long time. In that amount of time, Scrapper had come to notice how stuff changed. Sari got older, Arcee and Ratchet tied the knot, Bumblebee became a member of the elite guard, etc. One thing that didn't change? His Mixie.

"Aaand...done!"

Scrapper had just finished setting everything up. Their bed was nice and cozy, full of Mix's favorite pillows and blankets. Freshly washed and still warm from the dryer. Pair that with new, fresh towels, and even a basket full of his favorite snacks. Mix and Scrapper grew as bots, but heat cycles were something that never changed. Mix's was bound to hit at sometime today (Scrapper always marked it on the calender), so Scrapper was ready. He took today off from work, and had only JUST started to finish cleaning.

"I think I still have time."

Scrapper hopped into their showers, helping himself to a cleaning. He wasn’t sure if he had time for a nice hot wax like he wanted, but at least he got that soap Mix loved so much. He always liked cinnamon apple. He finished quickly, and was in the middle of drying himself off, when the doorbell rang. Scrapper put the towel on his head, and dashed for the door.

"Mixie! You're home! You were runnin' late, thought I had more time!"

Mix chuckled, lifting up the bag in his hand for Scrapper to see.

"I needed a drive to clear my head, then I decided to pick up somethin' for tonight."

Scrapper peeked into the bag, damn near giddy. Mix got not only oil, but the GOOD oil, stuff that wasn't at all cheap.

"Aw! Well don't you make me feel all special. Come here."

He held onto his cheeks, and smooched his lips. Mix's body couldn't help itself. He was already getting the heat symptoms; a bit more frisky than usual, a bit foggy in the head. It was why Scrapper didn't give him too hard of a time as he grabbed his aft, despite the fact that it made him jump.

"Scrappy-"

"Ah ah ah. You know the rules. Shower. I JUST cleaned, and ya still got cement on your servos."

"Thought you liked that."

"Not enough to wash everything, especially before we get started. Shower time, Mixie cakes."

He swiped the bag from his hand, winking at him ad he made his way into the kitchen. Mix looked at him longily, before he forced himself to hit the showers. Scrapper grabbed a bucket, poured some ice into it, and after grabbing some cups, walked back upstairs. He set the bucket down next to all the snacks, and he wasn't gonna lie, he was impressed with the set up.

"I think I outdid myself this time around. He better like it."

He double checked that he had everything, when Mix walked into the room, towel at his waist. He looked at the set up, lightly shaking his head.

"Ya maroon. You way overdid this shit again. I don't need all of dis."

"You hush. Come on you, get comfy."

Mix rolled his optics, before obeying, laying back and getting comfortable. Scrapper hopped into berth, and sat on top of him, holding onto one of his hands and looking it over.

"You were trying to do it in the shower again, weren't you?"

"...no."

Mix always hated the idea of needing someone to 'coddle' him. Its why every heat cycle, he tried to touch himself beforehand, and everytime it failed.

"Is that why you look so grumpy?"

"I ain't grumpy, I'm pissed."

Mix hated his heat cycle, he really did. Not just because he was super horny, that wasn't new. What was new, was the fact that he didn't want to throw Scrapper around or be choked. He wanted Scrapper to make his valve happy. And when Scrapper opened him up, seeing that soaked, puffy valve of his, he realized he had so much work to do. Scrapper pouted, slowly running his servo in between the folds. Mix wanted to talk, but he was reduced to whimpers when Scrapper covered his mouth. The pheromones from a bot in heat could make anyone horny, even the bot in question.

"Shh. It's okay. It's okay. I got you. I always got you. I'm gonna take care of you, all night long. Your poor little valve."

Scrapper peeled his hand away, and leaned in to kiss him. Mix's lips were hungry, sinking into his kiss ravenously. Then Scrapper introduced a finger to his valve. Mix's hands gripped onto his shoulders, already putty in his hands. He kept his lips locked onto his, letting Mix swear against him as he continued to finger and massage his wet walls.

Then he overloaded. It was a quick one, one that made Mix's valve leak all over his hand. He pulled away from the kiss, grinning at Mix's flushed face. The first one was always quick, and not enough.

"You ready, Mixie cakes?"

"You act like this is the first time I've taken ya before."

"Well no, but I like making sure. You're SUPER sensitive right now, I'd hate to overwhelm you. You remember our first heat."

"You stuck your dick in my unlubed aft, rather than my valve. Yeah, I remember, you dumbshit."

Scrapper chuckled, rubbing the back of his head.

"Yeah...sorry about that. It's just why I'm careful now. I don't wanna hurt my big, precious mech again."

"Don't...say it like that."

"Aw, are you embarrassed? Is it because I talk to you in that voice? The one where I make you feel like a big baby? A big ol' baby who gets lots of kissy wissys?"

He held onto his face, decorating it in smooches, and Mix loved it. He squirmed in his arms, and his breath quickened considerably. Mix in heat was aroused by affection, and Scrapper was VERY equipped to handle his little kink. The little kisses to his face, the stupid baby talk, it left Mix shaking, whimpering on the spot.

"Scrappy, c-come on, been dealin' with this slag for like, a week. Stop teasin', PLEASE."

"Aw...you begging is cute, I don't wanna. But fine, I'm not mean, and I love you so so so much."

Scrapper gave his forehead a kiss, before opening his spike panel, and rubbing his spike against him. Mix ACTUALLY jumped up a bit, grip desperate as he held onto his arms. Scrapper chuckled, trying to not push himself in just yet, despite how tempted he was. His valve was hot, damn near steaming, and his spike wanted to make him feel better.

"Scraps-"

"You okay? You jumped on me, was that too fast?"

"No. N-no, I'm. I'm fine. I just. Fucking shit Scrappy just slide it in, PLEASE!"

There was no proper way to slide in, ultimately. Every single way was overstimulating. So long as it didn't hurt, Scrapper had to just settle for going on in. So, he did just that. He pushed himself inside his big, tight valve, and sat there. Mix's pedes thrashed under them, messing up the blankets below them. He didn't move. He was waiting for the sign, waiting for Mix to silently tell him it was okay.

Then Mix dig his servos into his back, and that was all he needed. He started to thrust into him. It wasn’t slow and soft like how he personally enjoyed, but quick, rough, enough to make the room filled with the sounds of metal and metal, and wet slams of a lengthy spike fucking a big valve. Mix was moaning under him, whining and swearing and begging for more and more. In between the soft, hungry kisses, Scrapper was just as putty in Mix's hands and vise versa.

"You're already close, Mixie."

"Shut...up. No I'm fucking not."

He was such a prideful liar. He nudged his face up, and peppered his neck in kisses, letting Mix whine in his arms.

"You don't gotta act all macho on me, bro. I'm here for you. I wanna make all that itch go away. I don't judge you for how quickly you overload. You're my big, manly mech, no matter what. Come on. Overload around me. I'll fill you up. You like it when you get filled. Go ahead. I'll give you as many many as you need after. Promise."

Mix still clung on to his overload, for just a moment, before he raked his servos down his hack, and overloading. Scrapper was forced to stay put as his valve tightened around him, squeezing the overload right out of him. They sat in each other's embrace, steam rolling out of their frames and condensation staining the sheets below them. Scrapper gave Mix a minute, before he pulled out of him, and sat down right next to his poor, exhausted Mixie.

"I hate you."

"You're just embarrassed. Here."

He smacked his face with his towel, helping himself to one as well. Mix grumbled like the sourpuss he was as he wiped himself down.

"Alright, alright. I am. Just...a bit. But you did good, and I mean that."

Scrapper grinned, reaching over to the basket of snacks. Little oil cakes, Mix's favorite, and peanut butter flavored, just how he liked them.

"I try. You deserve it."

"I...thank you. It means a lot to me."

"Oh its no problem, they're getting to be a pretty common flavors nowadays-"

"No. I mean...for this. All of this. You know this sucks, and you make it suck a little less."

Scrapper leaned in to kiss his forehead, before snuggling into him.

"Anythin' for you, bro."

They sat there, stuffing their faces full of shitty snacks, wrappers thrown onto the floor, to be dealt with later.

"Scraps?"

"Yeah?"

"We should totally fuck again."

"Its been five minutes."

"Your point?"

Scrapper rolled his eyes, trying to hide his smile.

Things were going to get much more heated between them.

#asks #scrapper #mix #lemon #this was fun???#mixie deserves to be pampered and have his pussy pkayed with #and just #they both deserve each other tbh

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loth-wolffe · 3 years

Note

About that Fox post: i absolutely love you for writing it, thank you for that

Also, for your consideration:

- Where were you during the zillo beast attack?

- throwing a surprise birthday party for him?

- going shopping together

- I have a scenario that him dating an investigative journalist would be very chaotic, any thoughts?

- what's the friendship with his brothers like?

- why do i fell he would be good with kids? Like your nephew or something

- on that note, does he get the dad genes from Jango?

- post-war AU? in the timeline where Palpatine chokes and dies like he's supposed to

- Getting!! Married!! (eventualy)

many Fox thoughts today, many thoughts

sorry this is so long, I have little self control and a lots of love for fox. i love u so much for asking this and letting me explore what a life with fox would be like.

also I apologize for being a h*rny bitch and not controling myself, so nsfw thots are marked like this so if u wanna skip that's fine.

and uh, first I'm gonna answer the investigative journalist hc and base everything about this in that solely thought because that's a galaxy brain thing to say.

I have a scenario that him dating an investigative journalist would be very chaotic, any thoughts?

AHDJSJ I LOVE THIS. okay okay but I feel like because of this job this is exactly why you guys met, like you needed some info and you asked some shiny but he didn't know a thing and you were like "is there someone I can talk with about this?" and when he's about to reply, Fox enters in action and he's like "need anything?" but sO COCKY.

he hates journalists mostly because some of them treat the clones very badly and never talk about the casualties or that kind of stuff about war, right.

like, it would turn into this-- banter filled with sexual tension that would've ended up in a make out session if 1. fox didn't have that much of self control and two if he weren't wearing his bucket.

it'd be like

"listen man-"

"it's commander for you." a pause, "or sir."

or like

"i need to do other things if you don't mind."

"i can think of a few you could be doing right now." and the way your eyes run through his entire body, even if he's all covered in plastoid but damn you if he isn't the hottest man walking, and he actually shivers, and gulps, because it's not like he wasn't thinking about that either, pushing down your pants and railing you right then and there in that fucking filthy alley. he is well aware how his suddenly codpiece feels too tight, but you only smirk and go, "you know, like giving me the information I need?"

KDJSJ IMAGINE THE POWER. THE POSSIBILITIES.

it'd be so ridiculous, but you also caused this impression on him that when you turned away to go on your business he was dEVASTED, but he didn't want to let u know he actually liked you. He's stubborn, that man.

So by some miracle when you're investigating something, you guys run into each other bc he's on patrol or something and he's GIDDY. but also frozen in place bc he didn't think he would ever see you again, mostly because Coruscant is big and has too many people in it. and you're like

"ah, commander fox, isn't it?" and he quickly resumes to say something that shows how aNNOYED he pretends to be, but he ends up tagging alone because "these parts are not safe"

"oh?"

"you'd need protection."

and the smirk you have is sO ARROGANT because it's not your first rodeo.

"you wouldn't want to have a civvie getting killed or something on your watch now, would you?" and he clears his throat and nods sharply. and you give him this innocent eyes and bat your lashes, "my hero."

and if you think those words didn't do aNYTHING to him, you're mistaken u hear me, he's instantly hARD.

so anyways after that YOU ask him out, and he's like, stuttering and saying yes and all.

now some random thoughts on this magnificent hc.

• if it can't be himself, he would always have the men he trusts the most going on patrols around the zone you're around in case something happens.

• he lOVES when you rant about something new you discovered, and when he asks for mOre info bc he's a, how do you say chismoso?, he loves gossip??? anyways and you're like "nu huh, you gotta wait till tomorrow, foxie"

• he aLWAYS makes sure to read/see your job, either if you work for some newspaper, magazine, etc or if you're on the TV he nEVER misses it.

• if you work for the TV, his brothers are always like "fOX YOUR GIRL IS ON THE HOLONET LIKE RN!!!" and he gives them this bitch face because he kNOWS THANK YOU.

• alright but imagine going on dates with him and being like "did you know there was an investigation last year around this part that–?" ROMANCE AT ITS PEAK.

• if his shift ends before you even think of going home, he definitely joins you on your investigations.

Where were you during the zillo beast attack?

uhh, I think you'd be home, like maybe you turned in early and fox maybe didn't know, so he was almost in tears when he called you after the whole thing happened because he was so worried.

of course, during the attack, he tried to push the thought aside, bc I think all clones have this, uh, switch, that makes them not worry during missions that much? just like, have this thought here and there but nothing serious that would make them paralyzed and have a panic attack right there. but every second he thought of you and hoped you were alright.

unlike you, that were worried sick because you saw the chaos unfold, the troopers arriving in shuttles and the jedi doing whatever they were doing and you just heard destruction. you DID cried a bit and when fox called you, you cried even harder. and he was like "it's alright, I'm alright baby."

that night he hold you SO tight, whispering sweet nothings on your ear and never stopped kissing you once. you barely got any sleep because you were so afraid of waking up only to find out the other died on the attack and it was all a dream.

throwing a surprise birthday party for him?

AAAAAH THIS IS SO CUTE.

now, clones don't exactly have a birthday???? but he did all these nice things for your birthday (he and the boys baked you a cake that was sO UGLY and tasted a bit weird) so you thought you could surprise him too.

it's most likely he gives you the date when he graduated from Kamino or something and for all the years you're with him, you never miss his "birthday" at first you did something quiet, like a dinner at your place, bought him something nice, gave him a bath or something and spoiled the shit out of him.

so for the second year, you threw him a party in his office, made him this cake or whatever and decorated with red and white balloons and invited a few troopers that wanted to help you and he was stoic for a moment, but then you were like "hAPPY BIRTHDAY!" and hugged him so tight and he relaxed under your touch and whispered this small "thank you baby"

everyone congratulated him and he was a bit awkward but when they start telling all these stories of them and fox on the job, he starts to loosen up a bit, so while everyone is eating cake he hugs you from behind and chuckling lowly in your ear as he listens to his brothers.

he dOESNT like pda like I said but he forgets for a moment because he just loves you sO SO SO SO MUCH. it's also easier for him to whisper filthy things into your ear and mumble how good you are for him, that he doesn't deserve you, that he can't wait for everyone to leave cause he wants to have his present (you) nipping your earlobe and making u all hot and bothered and would def fuck you nice and hard on his desk. yup

going shopping together

imagine, jUST IMAGINE, he'd look like your personal bodyguard 😭😭 like, he'd be behind you carrying most of your bags and people would look at you wondering who are you, why are you sO important to have the commander of the Coruscant guard with you???

but like, you don't care and fox doesn't even notice, and he'd be so attentive, faking to be both annoyed and uninterested but he'd see this nice shirt or dress or whatever and grumble something like "you'd look good on this" i just-

and like when you pass by the lingerie store, dUDE, he'd make you model for him, him sitting like he fucking owns the place, getting harder and harder every time he sees you in a new pair of underwear and when you show off this cute little red set. damn.

if you go to the market or something, he'd always love to show you these things like "look at that" or just pull you towards this stall and you'd adORE to show him stuff like, "ohh, fox here try this" or "what you think about this?" and stuff like that.

what's the friendship with his brothers like?

i think it'd be very easy-going and light, they would tease you sometimes, but they really like you, mostly because they see fox isn't as stressed as before and they see how happy he is when around you.

they think he deserve it, to have somewhere where he's free and loved, so yeah.

they sometimes ask him about you and never miss a chance to say hi when you stop by the office.

the boys absolutely ADORE you.

why do i fell he would be good with kids? Like your nephew or something. does he get the dad genes from Jango?

HE WOULD AND HE DOES.

like, I think at first he'd be very hesitant when it comes to children, like he'd be nervous when you introduce him to your niece and when you ask him if he wants to hold her, he says a quick no and just prefers to watch you, heart feeling funny when you make faces at the little baby in your arms.

at some point he dOES hold her, with such care and a gentleness that makes your heart flutter, and he coos softly as she sleeps soundly in his arms, rocking her with a delicacy you thought impossible from such hard man, and when he looks at you his eyes shine with this flash of something you can quite place but makes your heart skip a beat and think of how much you'd love to have this, with him, a little family, a baby that has his curls and maybe your eyes, a mix of your skin color with his and maybe his stubbornness completed by your charisma. a perfect little thing for you two to hold and care and love.

he'd be such a good dad, but then again every clone would be the most fantastic dad bc it's literally in their genes.

if you have a nephew that is, u know, older but still a kiddie, like 5 or 6, the lil boy would be aMAZED by fox, he'd love him so much, like imagine, always asking for the commander, wanting to play with him, asking fox to carry him eVERYWHERE, and at first fox would be like, shy and uncertain and he wouldn't know how to act until he accepts the fact that this little boy really likes him and looks up to him and fox becomes The Cool Uncle™

post-war AU? in the timeline where Palpatine chokes and dies like he's supposed to and Getting!! Married!! (eventualy)

well, in my post-war AU, clones get Rights™ and get paid and have vacations and stuff, sO, maybe you get to have Fox for a little more time and his schedule isn't as bad as it was during the war, so maybe after the war you get home to a nice dinner and fox using this silly apron and sometimes you come home early just so you can cook with him.

maybe you go on holidays to these nice places, going to the beach or the woods and finally settling somewhere quiet, start a family in this nice house or if you don't want kids then it's just the two of you and maybe a few pets.

i think the wedding would be officiated in Coruscant, of course, so his brothers and your fam can go, he'd definitely cry when he see you walking down the isle or when you put the ring on his finger and he'd be so so so happy, dancing with you all night, being so clingy because he's just Over the moon, y'know, kissing your cheeks and neck, whispering how lucky he is and how much he loves you, and how good you look, never leaving your side and always leaning over with pouty lips for you to kiss him.

when he proposed it was during one of your sweet, soft times with him, maybe in the aftertaste of your sexy times, as he holds you close to his chest, fingers running up and down your skin, as he stares at the ceiling and the question comes out as if he were talking about the weather, his heartbeat is slow and steady and it's one of those times he feels confident and sure.

you have talked about a future together, so he knows you'd say yes.

it's more a statement than a question, really.

"marry me." he would say, so quietly, almost a whisper. and when you look up you only find this beautiful emotion filling his eyes.

"what?" you just want to make sure you heard right, he'd smile softly, cup your cheek and as his thumb caresses your skin he'd whisper.

"will you marry me?"

you oBVIOUSLY say yes while ugly sobbing.

#ANYWAYS #i love fox #i love him your honor #I LOVE HIM #commander fox x reader #commander fox #headcanons #ted talks with ari

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thefinefriend · 3 years

Text

My love languages broken down via Astrology

(organized by most important to least important)

1. ACTS OF SERVICE (Virgo Moon 1st House) - i love considerate people. i love someone who is into working smart and not hard. if you're organized enough to make my life easier, then you have my heart. i like planners who consider what they can do to assist me and give me a sense of relief since im normally the one making sure everyone else is happy. send me lunch, rub my feet after a long day, take out my trash when it's too dark outside for me to do it alone, start my bath or shower, pick up my dry cleaning, be patient with me etc. because im always on the go, on the move, and busy busy busy which may result in me forgetting to do things for myself sometimes. help the helper.

2. GIFTS (Leo Rising 1st House) - my well being is directly linked to how i look and my surroundings. if i look good, i feel good. if my space looks good, i feel good. i like high quality things and unique things that promote value/status and also peace of mind. clothes, home decor, art, skincare, cosmetics, and experiences. a man willing to invest in my image is a man willing to invest in my well being. a man willing to invest in my well being is a man who i will do ANYTHING for. i love love love gifts and shopping and trips. being spoiled is a 100% necessity in my relationships, a non-negotiable. people with this placement normally don't pair well with cheap or frugal partners who penny pinch. s p o i l me, or don't waste your time.

3. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION (Pisces Sun/Merc. 7th House) - i need someone who is communicative. whether that be verbally or energetically. you can't be closed off to me emotionally or you will push me away and eventually i will be so turned off that i disappear. you have to be adaptable and open minded in terms of how you speak to me. never make a promise that you can't keep, because i will remember and hold you accountable. communicate your feelings openly and freely, but not to a detriment where i feel drained. i like compliments, but not only about my general beauty. reassurance is important to me at times since how i look is a key component to me. (e.g. don't just tell me im beautiful, tell me how my beauty makes you feel, or what specific part of me is beautiful; eyes, smile, energy, mind, routines, habits). understand that fantasy and reality are one in the same in my world. anything is possible. speak in a manner without limitations, no "cants or maybes or doubts". it stresses me out. be optimistic and supportive and expressive. im already a perfectionist!

4. QUALITY TIME (Aquarius Venus 6th House) - this is second to last, because i tend to be very independent and autonomous, even in relationships. we don't have to be attached at the hip to express how much we love each other. i'm a firm believer in the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". i love the almost overwhelming feeling of being reunited after a little time has gone by. it makes you value each other's presence in a more emotional/thought provoking way and i think time and space are the most powerful binders.

5. PHYSICAL TOUCH (Leo Mars 12th House) - physical touch is last for me. you have to earn my trust and respect before i allow you to have access to my body or space. i need your loyalty and your attention when we're in each other's physical space. i'm a firm believer in energetic exchange via touching or even just close proximity. also im an empath, so my space is probably the most sacred thing to me simply because everything you feel or think could possibly transfer to me or emotionally affect me unfortunately. this (my body, my home) is my territory and my domain where i reside. i don't even like pop ups or surprise visits, let alone uninvited touching without consent. earn it, learn it, and use your discernment.

#how to love me in order #me

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kweebtrash · 4 years

Text

Streamhearts Timestamp 12:47am

Title: Nakie Stream

Pairing: Camboy!JohnnyxCamgirlOC (Rem)

Word Count: 4.2k

Genre: Smut

Features: recording sexual acts, daddy kinks, pet names (good girl, bunny, etc), Soft(ish) dom Johnny, use of sex toys, blowjobs, some finger sucking, anal/vaginal fingering, teasing/whining, shy sub OC, anal fucking, choking, swallowing/messy cumshot

Synopsis:

Though Rem is a smart business woman she hides behind a computer screen all day designing websites for large companies. However, when her day is done she’s still behind a computer screen but now showing the world how hard she can cum. She never wanted to be a camgirl but when financial duties called she took it upon herself to make it. The spotlight (and money) got to her and she expanded to showcasing her nerdy side; livestreams, lewd cosplay photoshoots, let’s plays, subscriptions, review, vlogs, tutorials, you name it. Her streams catches the attention of a fellow cammer, Johnny, who on a whim decided to message her. Both aren’t the sexed up dolls they pretend to be in the online life and instead ease their way into a relationship with not so perfect sex, mistakes, and total confusion.

A/N: This used to be on my Kofi which im closing down and just putting everything up on here. This isnt continuing.

Masterlist Johnny Only Masterlist

"It's time for Nakie Stream!" I giggled as I looked into the camera hooked up to my computer. Dozens of people had already logged on and the number was slowly creeping into the hundreds. I blew kisses and greeted the new arrivals as I showed off my boobs and bounced them a little. Even as I stood around and posed I was getting a few tips. This was all I did it for. I didn't really enjoy it nor did I want to continue doing it for the next ten years of my life. But for now it was another addition to my finances.

I slipped on my pink kitty headphones and connected the bluetooth. The ears lit up, twinkling neon. They were my favorite and I spent some time talking about the specs. Many people would rather just watch me fuck myself but some were actually interested in the fact that I was a "gamer girl™". I hated that title but whatever sold the aesthetic. The truth was that I was indeed a nerd. I had a master's degree in computer sciences and web design, I created websites for companies under an alias and different VPN so nothing would be connected to my other life. The other life, this camgirl/cosplayer/social media influencer/let's player, was my home. I wanted to travel across the country to show off the cosplays I engineered and get my foot in the door to speaking with video game companies through my let's plays. I could sail on that life and would never have to step foot in a retail store or office space again. I would have my own freedom.

I signed softly as a saw a drop in viewers and stopped talking about the headphones. This was the hardest part, being the stupid sex doll for the ones who were only interested in getting off. I turned on the video capture and started up the game so I could properly start my stream. I was just about ready to sit in my gaming chair when I felt warm thighs beneath me. I jumped up and turned quickly, surprised by my boyfriend. He pulled me into his lap, a poised erection parallel to his stomach. He had helped me gain confidence in performing on camera and he was my safety net when we made videos together. I was much more comfortable and relaxed when he touched me. "JJ is joining me today." It was his stupid online nickname because he couldn't think of anything else. "Hope you don't mind. He challenged me to a bet. If I win a few rounds while he's fucking me he will buy me whatever I want, no matter the cost. If I cum or get distracted too much and fail then I get punished in anyway he wants and he'll upload that on his page. I think I can win though. I've spent days awake during releases and playing games straight through so this is nothing."

Johnny scoffed. "You say that now, but just you wait." He set his hands on my hips and turned me away from the camera and let my ass be the center of attention. I bent over and cupped his face gently to plant kisses over his lips while his hands shifted to spread my cheeks apart and show off the heart shaped gem of the butt plug that was nestled inside me. He grabbed a hold of the gem and pulled the plug out slowly, not all the way but just enough to work up some thrusts. I moaned softly, the headphones capturing the sound loud and clear so I could hear it as well as the viewers. The familiar ping of a notification that I received a tip racketed one after the other and Johnny smiled before whispering under his breath. "Blow me for a bit. That'll stall us and give a chance for more people to log on."

I nodded, following his advice and kissed down his bare chest until I reached the junction of his happy trail to the hair above the base of his cock. He turned the chair slightly to adjust the view from the camera and used the small remote beside my computer mouse to move the lens and zoom in more to focus on my face. He was an expert on camera mechanics and even helped me get better equipment for my set up and I had seen my following grow substantially.

I lowered myself to my knees as he spread his thighs apart. Grabbing the base of his cock, he tapped the head against my lips a few times, chuckling on the outside but both of our eyes showed annoyance. We hated doing certain things for the camera but sucked it up anyway. He found the motion stupid while I found it to be a turn off but with my attraction to him outweighed all our discomfort. I parted my lips and slipped his head into the heat of my mouth. The soft moan he let out was definitely a real reaction and I instantly flicked my eyes up to his. His own had closed and his head leaned back against the chair. Gripping what I couldn't fit, I held him steady as I bobbed my head. I swallowed around him and tightened my throat as a slight buck of his hips moved him deeper.

Another moan came, this time from me that was muffled by the invasion. I upturned it into a drawn out exaggeration to add to the stream. Johnny set his hand on the back of my head and kept me close, forcing me to breathe through my nose. "More, baby girl. I know you can do it." He encouraged. I furrowed my brow and tried to calm my gag reflex as I wiggled down more of his shaft. "That's good." He groaned. "That's my good girl."

My cheeks tinged with rose colored fire at the compliment. I held on as he pushed his hips up, dictating a rhythm I was forced to follow as he fell into controlling the situation. I was at his mercy and he knew how to test my limits without going overboard. Deep throating was just another thing we were trying to check off our list but I still struggled to take down his length. He was so perfectly thick and long, nothing over the top or short of disappointment. It was enough to challenge my small body without me crumbling under intense pain. Our size differences, both in height and ratio of his cock to my hole, drove him absolutely stark raving mad. There had been plenty of times where he had to reel himself in before he devoured me completely in a rush of brutal thrusts. But that was exactly what I wanted.

He pulled out of my mouth just as I felt the first drop of precum fall on my tongue. I licked my lips to disconnect the saliva from us-another thing I hated but knew sloppy blowjobs were another aesthetic cash grab. "Get the lube." He commanded with a hard spank to my ass that made me squeak. I trotted away from my desk and rummaged through my nightstand drawer to get the large bottle of lube I had. "And your favorite toy." He added.

I smiled to myself as I pulled out the elongated orb shape of a vibrator that Johnny could control through an app on his phone. He disappeared from the camera view to retrieve his phone before taking his place back in my gaming chair. He guided me to sit on his lap, resting my feet on the armrests so I was spread open. I hid behind my controller a bit as I was too shy to be so splayed out with everything visible. Johnny shoved the controller down right away though, not letting me hide for even a second. I pouted and looked back at him, glaring. He only returned the stare, adding a "what did i tell you?" kind of expression. I exhaled through my nose and pressed start reluctantly. As I was flicking through the menu and character selection I found Johnny's long fingers creeping towards my mouth.

"Open." He demanded and my jaw lowered to accept him again. During a loading screen he thrusted his fingers, pinching at my tongue and stroking the sensitive area at the back of it. My toes squirmed as i wanted to gag but he pulled his fingers forward just before the sensation could worsen. A few more thrusts and he removed them completely, showing off the now glistening skin. He moved between my legs, stroking along my slit and just barely circling my clit. Small tingles started to form in my legs but i was able to concentrate as my battle started. It was nothing special as of now. He just wanted to work up one hole before the other so by the time he was shoved deep in my ass i would be more relaxed. The vibrator always helped in that aspect.

He squeezed a single digit in inside me, his honey eyes looking over me to gauge my reaction. My breath had sped up a little but i kept playing even when his tender lips began decorating my neck in the softest of kisses. I loved when he destroyed me but when he was so gentle it drove me more crazy. His kisses gave my tummy butterflies and I tried to squirm away. His finger only plunged deeper and his other hand gripped a fistfull of hair to keep my head straight, making me wince slightly. My eyes widened and brows furrowed just after as I dodged an attack that almost depleted my character's health. I grew irritated at my lack of assistance from the online players. "FUCKERS!" I shouted. "Do I have to do everything myself?!"

"You're so cute when you're irritated." Johnny chuckled.

"Oh piss off." I scoffed. I wasn't cute, I was dead set on capturing the target come hell or high water.

Johnny didn't seem to like my response as he shoved in another finger quickly. He curled them and fucked me faster then he had been and i almost dropped my controller. I swallowed back a moan and tried not to close my shivering thighs. He would hate that even more. "Make noises." He said into my ear. "Remember what I told you."

"Y-y-yessss!" I hissed. That wasn't faked at all. His fingers were magical and I dug my nails into my controller, scratching into the rubber hand grips.

"What was that?" He smirked as the sound of my wetness started to grow louder alongside the tip notifications. "Use your words."

"S-stooppp." I whimpered and paused the game as I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Giving up already? I've barely just started."

I shook my head quickly and renewed the game,keeping myself determined at the sudden reminder. I thought about what I wanted him to buy me, my end goal and reason for this stupid bet. "N-no. I-im not! I'm not giving up!"

"Oh?" He scooted the chair closer to my desk, still making sure to keep the camera poised perfectly. Reaching for the bottle of lube i had collected, he dabbed a little onto his fingertips. I barely noticed his movements until the cold gel was being circled and pushed inside me. I continued to command myself to ignore it. I had to. I exhaled slowly in an attempt to steady my breath but it hitched as soon as i felt the pressure of the vibrator slowly sink into me.

He didn't turn it on right away. Instead he wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed me tight while he buried his face into my neck. It garnered more kisses and occasional nibbles that gave me just a few moments to get back to the game. Slowly, he moved his hands to cup my breasts, giving them both a good squeeze before capturing the nipples between his thumbs and index fingers. Gently, he tugged them into stiff peaks and rolled his fingers over the raised flesh to send small jolts of electricity down my neck. Quiet noises were held in by my lips pressed together though Johnny impatient at the fact i wasn’t letting them out. "You're still not making noises." He growled lowly.

"I can't help it! Im not loud!" I nudged my elbow back into his ribs, trying to squirm away as much as I could. He gave a light tap to my clit and pinned his arm around my waist again. I wanted to move now and I was too afraid to as i saw him make a grab for his phone. The familiar graph like control screen popped up and Johnny pressed his thumb to it. A cursor appeared beneath the pressure and at first he kept it low. That was simple enough for me to handle. He faced his phone to the screen, showing what he was doing to the audience. He chuckled as he read through some of the comments in the chat box.

"Even they think youre gonna lose." He said. "You're doing such a shit job, Remmy."

"Shut up! I'd like to see you try it! Maybe you should be the one trying to play while i fuck your ass." I pouted and crossed my arms as it took longer for my dead character to respawn.

"You're always wanting to fuck my ass." I felt the vibrator increase the intensity and my stomach clenched tight. "Maybe we could do another bet and that could be the stipulation but i don't really see you winning that one either."

"It's not over yet! I can still win!" I said with slight uncertainty.

"We'll see, bunny. I'm gonna take the plug out now." Johnny warned as he wrapped his fingers around the gem base. I nodded and leaned into him, begging for a kiss. He satisfied my craving as he slowly pulled the plug out of me, leaving my gape to flex around the emptiness. He tossed it onto the desk with a hard clunk before gripping my chin firmly. My jaw dropped open as he intensified the kiss, forcing his tongue to fill my small mouth completely. I held onto his shoulders to try and support myself as I got light-headed from the lust clouded thoughts that were spiraling in my head. He parted from me with a quick bite to my lip then reached for the bottle of lube again. He repeated the same motion of swiping it inside me as his fingers worked to stretch me even more.

I could relax around two fingers but he soon added a third which stretched me farther than the plug had. With his clean hand he increased the speed of the vibrator on his phone and I yelped helplessly. I saw him smirk through the video feed on my computer and wanted to wipe it off his face. With shaking hands I gripped my controller and resumed my pathetic attempt at playing the game. The vibrations would send sharper shocks throughout me every once in awhile as Johnny made sure i would feel comfortable taking his cock.

My bottom lip was starting to swell as my teeth kept digging into it. My toes were curling against the armrest and my controller vibrated with each bit of damage i was taking. The toys' own vibrations increased and I was nothing but a squirming mess on his lap. "Are you gonna give up, bunny?" He cooed in my ear. "Are you gonna give up and let daddy win? Please be a good girl for me, ok?"

"N-no! That's not fair! I d-dont wa-wa-nnghh-!" I clenched my teeth tightly as I felt a sudden urge to cum wash over me. He was being relentless with his thrusts now, plowing faster and making lewd sounds as the lube squelched against his fingers.

He made the vibrations spike again and I tossed my head back onto his shoulder, begging him to just slow down a bit. He nuzzled against my cheek and kissed my neck. "Look how loud you're getting for me." He turned my head to the computer monitor as he swiped his thumb across my clit. "Show the viewers how pretty my baby is when she wants to cum, hm?"

I flicked my eyes to the screen, embarrassed but wanting to comply so i could cum. If not i'd be stuck in this hell forever. Hundreds of comments were pouring in and i was able to see a number in tips i had never seen before. I swallowed hard and looked at Johnny. "It's going so well." I whispered.

"See what happens when you listen to me?” I nodded, upset that he was right but at least I could pay my bills with the money we earned. “Are you ready for me?”

I swallowed hard as my heart rate escalated. “I..um..” His erection pressed harder into the center of my back. He felt so swollen and even though I wanted to stay strong, the sub in me wanted to take care of my daddy. I nodded and felt his fingers slid out slowly. With his hands on my waist he was easily able to hoist me up with enough space to guide him towards my hole. Carefully, we worked together, me moving down while he thrusted upwards, to have him fill me entirely. My game kicked me back out to the menu screen as I had died again and it questioned if I wanted to continue. It stayed in limbo, not receiving my decision as my ass had touched the top of Johnny’s thighs and his lips had overcome mine. He scooted down in the chair, giving himself more ease of access to thrust.

The first few motions were careful, paired with a plucking of my nipples and an occasional clit rub. It wasn’t until I started grinding back on him did he increase his speed, pulling out almost completely before shoving himself back inside with a harsh speed. Our whimpers and groans were muffled by our tongues colliding over and over. In between the warm presses of his lips, his tongue would slip out to lap at mine or he would place love bites against my bottom lip. With dreamy and heavy lidded eyes I watched the small contortions of his facial features as his pleasure increased. When his mouth would drop open slightly to release nothing but a strained sound or when his brows furrowed with the intensity of my grip around him, i would drink it in, in love with everything about him.

As I squeezed my walls around him tighter, his hand ascended from the softness of my belly, to between my breasts, and finally to wrap around my neck. My muscles went rigid and my breath strangled. His fingers were formed into a grip that was growing tighter and tighter. I dropped my controller, letting it fall to the floor and found solace in dragging my nails into the plush pads of the armrests. The sound it created seemed to echo in the headphones as my mind transformed into lusty swirling thoughts. The dull burn of his girth inside me started to disintegrate but my stomach still churned with the fantastical feeling of his cock shoving against my insides. “Roll your hips.” He commanded me.

I couldn’t nod but showed my submission by moving my feet onto his thighs and lifting my body slightly. I circled my hips around the head of his cock, concentrating all the strength I could muster into the most sensitive of places. “Fuck, that’s good, angel.” His head fell back and his fingers pulsed their strength around my neck, giving me moments to hiccup in tiny breaths. My thighs burned and my knees buckled as my hold on the armrests made my knuckles splatter with the white color of straining. As he saw my body buckling he wrapped his free arm around me and hauled himself onto his feet. With the hand on my neck he tossed me into the gaming chair, making it skid across the floor a foot or two.

My eyes watered as i looked up at his; darkened and dilated with the idea of ruining me further. The veins in his arms dispersed beneath his skin, deepening into a soft blue hue as he clenched his fists around the armrests now, keeping the chair in place. He pulled the chair forward allowing him to slam back into me. The sound I left out was a mix between a squeak and a scream giving the satisfaction of me being loud on camera like he wanted. Ignoring the way a few tears streaked along the tops of my cheeks from the overwhelming stimuli, he rolled the chair backwards, repeating his motions of dragging me forward to fall into a pattern of ruthless thrusts. I had never regretted getting my gaming chair until this very moment. How he found the simplest household items to torture me with I’ll never know but he sure knew how to make sure I wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow. I held onto his arms as my back arched and body squirmed and I was unsure if I could hold back any longer. “Give up?” He chuckled darkly. “Just say the word. You’ve already barely played a round and kept dying so I think it’s a given that I’ve won.” he taunted.

If this was the torture during the bet I feared what his punishment for me would be later on. It was too late to change the way I felt and I was already falling into a subspace that needed to be filled with his cum. “D-daddy…” I cried softly.

“Say it.” He worked in another rushed thrust. “I wanna hear you say it.”

I pressed my lips together and clawed at his forearms. My stomach clenched harder and my toes curled, pulling the tendons taught and shooting cramps up my legs. “Fine! Fine! You win! Please let me cum!!!”

Johnny turned to the camera and stuck his tongue out, adding a peace sign, in victory. “Guess you guys get a little punishment video soon.” He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss. “Go on, bunny. It’s okay.”

I let out a small sigh of relief and imagined he would continue his thrusts but instead he reached for his phone one last time. He turned the vibrator up on full strength and I gave in then, growing louder as my cum showered the seat of the chair and onto the carpet below. The tense contractions of my orgasm caused the vibrator to crash to the floor, the buzzing rattling against it. Johnny shut it off completely and waited until i was curled up and suffering from aftershocks to grab a fistful of hair and pulled my head up. “Ahh.” He said.

“I want it in-inside.” I shuddered.

“Nope, that’s for girls who win bets. Open.”

I reluctantly opened my mouth, unhappy with his choice, and watched his large hand stroke over his heated skin just above my tongue. His fist worked faster and faster and his eyes fell shut. He kept my head in place and the sweet heat of his cum covered my tongue, sliding down my chin and dripping onto my chest. I swallowed and licked up as much as I could, even lapping at his slit to make sure he gave me everything he had. Once he relaxed, my hair was let go and i sat back in the chair. I swiped my finger across my chin and licked the last bit of cum that I missed. My legs fell as my body slumped; I better get a bath and cuddles after this, I thought, a pout sprouting on my lips. Johnny made up some quick exit greeting and shut off the cameras and bright ring lights. “You ok?”

“I’m sleepy and sore and want cuddles and a bath.”

He smiled and picked me up from the chair, wrapping my legs around him. “I will make you a bath and give you all the cuddles you want, okay?” I nodded and buried my face in his neck as he walked us to the bathroom. “But to be honest, you were such a good girl today. I’m proud of you for being louder and showing your face more.”

I squeezed my arms around his neck, trying to hide as much as I could for my cheeks were burning crimson. He could be rough but also sweet and docile when he took care of me. I loved him so much it almost hurt. “Can you say thank you?” he asked as if I was a child that had forgotten their manners.

“Thank you, Daddy.” I mumbled against his skin.

He rubbed my back before setting me down on the toilet seat cover. “I’ll let that one slide. I can tell you’re sleepy.”

“You’re gonna stay the night, right?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but with you.”

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