steamishot

[steamishot]

feast or famine

we arrived back to NYC yesterday on a red eye flight. our lives are moving at 100mph. last monday, i attended the first acrylic painting class. there are 5 others - all white girls including the teacher besides one older east asian girl. this class is pretty different from the ceramics class, it feels like elevated paint and sip nights - most people were chit chatting, we have freedom to paint whatever we want, and the teacher is encouraging and gives kind suggestions. there's definitely less instruction in this class than i was hoping for, but it's a nice and relaxing environment.

midday last tuesday, we flew out from JFK. it was raining that day so the uber from our apartment cost almost $100. arrived in burbank that night, picked up a rental car, and drove to my parent's house. my mom prepared abalone porridge. we ate and slept. for all the remaining days, we maximized the meal per diem, which was $100/person per day. for most of the meals, we got food for our families to share. i just submitted receipts for reimbursements today, and it really looks like we're a couple of fatsos.

wednesday, we did hot yoga. it feels great to do hot yoga anywhere, but at that studio specifically, i sweat a LOT and it's transformational. thursday night, we checked into a beverly hills hotel where they upgraded us to a freakin' suite for free. the suite was almost 800 sq ft and had an amazing view of the town. friday morning, matt had a two hour interview. a few hours after the interview, they called to give him a verbal offer. had dinner at lawry's with matt's family for dinner. saturday, we went to loquat (so good!) and i got dropped off at home. i went with my mom and grandma to dinner at my aunt's. sunday, did a neighborhood walk with SZ, thai lunch with matt's family, and took my family to happy hour before eating my grandma's homecooked curry and then rushing back to burbank airport. details are missing here but we basically had very little downtime.

the offer was good news, however, matt had concerns about the schedule and responsibilities. he would have more liability here. all our families and i were excited for him. he doesn't know if he wants the job yet, which honestly was disappointing for me to hear.

i almost didn't want to go to painting class last evening due to tiredness, but glad i did. yesterday, the recruiter called matt and told him he'll need to set up an interview with the CMO/director at the west LA location for protocol. additionally, he received interview offers at the OC, south bay and baldwin park locations! the recruiter said they'll give him time to interview at multiple locations before extending any contracts so he can shop around. as my friend L said, it's feast or famine. though i am happy and proud matt has all these new opportunities, it continues to be a stressful/tense time with uncertainty looming in the air. at this point, it seems bakersfield is out of the question. i'm praying for either southbay or pasadena, but am happy we at least have west LA to fall back on.

[steamishot]

pottery week 6/6

the last week! today was pretty fun. it was all choosing colors and glazing. it's almost like glazing donuts, except the things we are in contact with are actually hazardous to our health. our instructor (an old man) always wears a mask, but he said we don't have to as we don't spend nearly as much time in the studio. anyway, i have 5 items that are going into the kiln and i can't wait to see what they look like. my two tiny cups may be used as mini sauce bowls, and the 3 small plate/bowl things can hold small dishes.

the glaze covers some imperfections of the clay.

i envisioned that people in class would try to befriend each other, but that didn't really happen with our group. i thought our last day of class would be a little more dramatic, but it was the same thing. people left the studio at different times. i didn't even say bye to anyone although it likely will be my last time seeing everyone (unless i return to the studio).

i'll miss the weekly wheel throwing sessions. i'm considering going to a beginner/intermediate class at a different studio close-ish to my apartment that starts in may. it'll be another 8 week commitment so i have to figure out how to fit in visiting home (or not). however, i'm starting my acrylics painting class tomorrow. i'm excited but also nervous because i've never been to that exact area, or taken the subway in that direction. i'm hoping it's in a nice/safe area because my class doesn't end until 8:45pm and i don't want to feel unsafe on my way home.

yoga: i officially completed my 20th class of the month today! i'm still undecided if i want to attend one last class on tuesday, my last day of membership. i'll also be flying out to LA that day. towards the second half of the month, i stopped being as interested in hot yoga and enjoyed the 75 min flow+restore classes more, which were slightly heated but not hot-hot. the hot yoga classes were much more intense and required preparation and maintenance - can't be too full, need to hydrate a lot, need to shower immediately, etc. if i wasn't hydrated enough, it was easy to feel lightheaded while doing certain poses.

[steamishot]

pottery week 5/6

it was officially one month since my first class. my first class was difficult emotionally lol, and in retrospect it's due to PMS. i experienced similar negative self-talks and a defeating feeling after this wheel throwing session as well.

i felt as if i was the slowest to improve because the others in my class were throwing larger bowls that looked more uniform. one girl is now able to make matcha tea bowls with a spout. she wore a brown university sweatshirt to class that day. another girl who is from HK has ceramics experience before as well, and she wore prada shoes. this HK girl missed last week's session and she's always like 30 min late to class. the instructor also mentioned a couple of people being absent in his other classes. i was like woah, these people must have so much money to miss essentially one class that is a little over $80/class (no make-up class available). it made me reflect on my poorer upbringing and now transcending the social class i grew up in. i never had small group or 1 on 1 tutoring/instruction like this, academic or not, so that itself was a small hump to get over. i feel like i'm learning etiquette and social norms of a different culture.

anyway, we basically just trimmed and threw more pieces. we selected the pieces we'd like to fire and will be choosing the color next week (last class!). i don't know if any of the pieces i made will be useful lol. after this class ends, i'm looking into taking a summer 8-week beginner/intermediate class in a different studio that is walkable from my apartment.

other stuff:

my work friends came to NYC for a day trip yesterday! although i wasn't too close to them while doing in-person work and wasn't interested in hanging out outside of work hours back in LA, i really appreciated getting to see them on the east coast! it is really cool that we've kept in touch all these years, since like 2017

went to the ukranian national home with T to make pysanky eggs. this was a last minute decision (we had planned on going to japan fest but there was heavy rain). i really enjoyed making the eggs and interacting with ukranian people! there were live performances by kids and most everyone was speaking/singing in ukranian. we were basically the only non-ukranians/asians and purchased some food to go

apartment upgrade: we most likely will not proceed with this lol. it is a hefty investment (like shelling out 7k the first month) which doesn't really make much sense, especially when we'll need to purchase car(s) once we go back to LA. in the meantime, i plan on going back to LA in may for 3-4 weeks.

so i can remember, i got complimented by a stranger (older white guy) last week (4th time ever)! it was raining and i was walking to the train station closeby home. we crossed paths for a second and he just said out loud "wanted to say you look really nice". i said thank you and continued walking lol

another thing i want to remember: i had bright red blood in my stool 1-2x/month for the last 3 or so months - only in NYC :( the first time i had it, i legitimately thought it was my period. i don't know if it's from sitting too much/being less active in the winter months, eating poorly, but it does scare me each time. i had a virtual session with a kaiser doctor. he said if it continues happening i should look into getting a sigmoidoscopy... which i don't want to do. i'll limit myself from eating after like 10pm, make sure i drink more water, and utilize the standing desk more frequently

[steamishot]

jaded

since my last post, a number of things have happened - literally all yesterday. opportunity knocks in waves, and i'm using tumblr as an outlet for my stress and thoughts from running wild.

bakersfield interview is tomorrow evening

kaiser west LA will be flying both of us out for an in-person interview early april. this is the first place that offered to cover an SO. oddly, this is also the first place that didn't request to do a phone/virtual interview before extending an in-person invite. we have no idea what this hospital offers. if it's not aligned with what matt's seeking, we'll just see it as a generously comped trip, lol. they will cover rideshare, car rental, 2 nights accommodation, meals and flights for both of us.

huntington hopsital set up a virtual interview for a FT position in mid-april

PIH health called matt about an opening. waiting to set up an interview

i was just planning on buying flight tickets for LA for late april. and then this thing popped up - the timing worked out so well. i wish i could stay longer, but i made myself have obligations in NYC now, lol. my weekly painting class will start by then and i have tickets to watch ramit sethi live. we'll need to sell our anna akana tickets.

this time, i didn't instinctively feel very excited about these prospects. instead, i felt jaded, stressed, and disheartened... probably as a defense mechanism to protect my feelings. the last wave that happened (UCI, LA general, UCLA, city of hope) all ended in disappointment.

obviously, i have a glimmer of hope that something will work out. but i'm trying not to not get too invested or get my expectations too high until something is concrete.

this led me to create a spreadsheet of all the places matt has interviewed at these past two years. he had 3 interviews in 2022 before accepting the NYU one, 12 interviews in 2023, and so far 4 interviews in 2024 with 3-4 on the horizon. the success rate (receiving an offer) is about 35%. seeing this number made me feel better - it had really felt recently that the success rate was more like 5%. the difficult part is landing a job that is aligned with what he's seeking.

wishing for the best and will do my best to help matt interview well. although i'm now busier with my hobbies, have more of a community and overall am less bored, i do realize that the uncertainty and stress of job searching still triumphs over the happiness that i would feel.

[steamishot]

pottery week 4/6

i can't believe it's been a whole month since i started. unfortunately, i've been lazy/preoccupied with yoga, that i haven't gone in to practice outside of the scheduled class. today, we spent half the class trimming and half the class throwing new things. i understand it a bit more each time. i trimmed two pieces and only threw one. i cancelled my yoga classes for the next two days and plan on going in tuesday to practice throwing.

side note: since starting pottery, i've been having aches and pain i've never experienced before. posture is so important, but i'm still a noob. one week, my palm hurt. another week, my ankle hurt. this week, my neck hurts.

yoga: i just completed my 11th class this month today. yesterday, i felt kinda lightheaded/weak during a heated class, and thought i may be overexerting myself. so i'm scaling back. i have four classes planned this week but two are non-heated flow + restore. i've also been behind with the C&S videos, naturally i hope to get on track once yoga is scaled back.

piano: slow, but am learning off pianote to play river flows in you.

apartment living: we've had this discussion seriously multiple times in the past, and i've bothered the leasing coordinator countless times (i'm sure she's super annoyed of me) without following through. we're still on the fence about upgrading our apartment. if we were to upgrade to willoughby, we'd have to pay a whole month for a transfer fee. if we stay within dobro, it'll be $1k to transfer. regardless, we have to give a 30 day notice. it would be beyond lovely to have a 1 bedroom apartment (with a nice view and sunlight), but at this time, we are unsure if it's worth the cost (~$1,700/mo more) given the uncertainty.

i've been so stressed out about everything. things keep changing and below are the current possibilities:

matt received per diem offers at both harbor and huntington. harbor guarantees 2 shifts a month minimum, up to 7 shifts. huntington has no guaranteed shifts. we can move back with no full time job, if he can possibly find some part-time work to supplement the per diems. however, we lose stability, benefits, and loan forgiveness. if this is the situation, we should probably save money by not upgrading.

he has an interview with bakersfield this week. i initially had mixed feelings about it (never thought i would end up in bakersfield), but everything else about the job checks out. if bakersfield works out, there would be stability and relocation coverage. in this situation, i'd be happy to upgrade our apartment to live more bougie/ comfortably for our final months in nyc as a last hurrah.

matt keeps the NYU job and flies back to do per diem. then, he keeps stability, benefits and loan forgiveness, but the long distance traveling + working will be quite rough. here, we can technically upgrade our apartment too, but would it be worth it if he needs to fly out every month?

with the current possibilities, i think #2 is the best case scenario. as it's been almost a year + of uncertainty, i kinda just want to run with something "good enough" as soon as possible to have more peace.

[steamishot]

pottery week 3/6

i now know how to get to class and home without checking the maps and am a lot more comfortable going to class. on week 3, there was a lot more freedom to throw - people were throwing different shapes, cups and bowls. i threw a total of 4 things: 1 cup, 2 bowls, and 1 semi-plate. it was a good session for me! however, due to pottery (i think), i temporarily had some palm and ankle pain (ankle pain that was bad enough where it woke me up in the night). these eventually went away after a couple of days. it's actually a very physical activity so the posture is important to maintain.

yoga: i did 5 sessions last week (3 heated and 2 flow and restore) and overall was generally more tired. i'm usually very energetic due to having a remote job and not needing to exert myself physically, so this is a good change. i have 5+ more classes scheduled this week. luckily they give a 5 hour window to cancel before class, so i can always decide to opt out if i'm too tired.

piano: i started learning the basic version of fur elise, and am taking up music as a language now on duolingo.

studio living: as time progresses, i've been feeling fed up and generally unhappy/lowkey stressed sharing a studio apartment with matt on his weeks off. there isn't true "alone time" in our own home. i find myself getting easily irritated and then guilty for feeling this way. it wasn't really an issue during residency, because he wasn't home for extended periods of time. now we're getting to 1.5 years of the 7on7off schedule, where he's basically home most of the 7 days off and we're like always ten feet away from each other. it's annoying because we would have upgraded the apartment if we knew job searching was going to take this long. and it's doubly annoying because we could afford some comfort now. at this point, its about 3.5 years of living in a studio, which i can see as fine in our 20s... but we're literally early-mid 30s now, so it does feel a bit juvenile.

the size of our studio is equivalent to my bro and SIL's master bedroom and i think it's like being in a pressure cooker. welp, i'll try to control what i can, which is doing the work and possibly going to the lounge or coffee shop to work so we can have space. and i'm focusing on the positives of saving money.

job searching: no concrete details on this yet, but it seems matt may have received an offer for a per diem opportunity at huntington health. the location is great, but we don't know what PD entails/how many shifts a month they offer. we followed up with LA USC who has been stringing us along since end of november and got ghosted, so that's a no.

30s bday party: this past sunday, we celebrated R's 30th birthday. T planned a whole day of activities for her, and a few relatives came from out of town to celebrate. matt and i joined for a chinatown dinner at ping's and karaoke in ktown. karaoke was a looot of fun, and reminded me of my early 20s. we got to sing our hearts out that night. the next day, we decided to join them for a kbbq dinner at cote. it was a bit uncomfortable, because we kinda crashed, so we had to squish 8 people in an outdoor seating area. i think most people's social batteries were low too, so the mood/dinner was just okay.

[steamishot]

pottery week 2/6

i was still a bit nervous going into pottery class today, but the experience overall was much better. it helped a lot watching youtube videos, reading some library books, and also reminding myself to just chill out and have fun. today, we focused on trimming the foot of the cups. i went in there last friday to practice throwing. it's nice to have these coworker-esque people around me. going into pottery class really does feel like i'm commuting to work. it's a ~30 min commute to ktown. it forces me to go to manhattan more often and gives me a purpose to be outside of the home. i was definitely less socially anxious today and even said hi to two people.

yoga: i signed up for the initial month of unlimited membership, which is $99 (normal price is $225) and plan to cancel after the first month. considering that each class is about $15-20 using classpass, it would be worth it as long as i take 7+ classes this month. i'm aiming to do at least 4-5 classes a week haha.

painting: i've been periodically checking to see if registration at a local brooklyn art studio has opened up, and it did on friday! i registered for the painting the photograph acrylics class, which will have 4 classes total. with a discount, it cost about $255. this class starts exactly one day after my wheel throwing class ends and will recur on monday evenings. hopefully i'm not too stressed out by needing to sneak out of work during that time.

piano: so this was a bit on a whim, but i decided to purchase a yamaha ez300 61 key keyboard. i fell for the aesthetics of it, and it doesn't hurt that it's been reviewed well. i think it'll be the perfect addition to the apartment.

overall, i recently feel very motivated to pursue the hobbies that i had interest in as a child/teen but lacked the resources and money for. i've been complaining about feeling socially isolated and caged in with my WFH set up for like the last year. due to social obligations (5 weddings) in 2023, i was back and forth between LA and NYC. i had always connected LA to where my social base was, but couldn't figure out how to integrate myself more here (and also, i wasn't trying to because i was constantly fixated on going back).

i thought that having a hybrid work schedule would solve a lot of things. which it may have. however, going into pottery class has opened up a whole new world for me. growing up pretty financially unprivileged meant that my parents weren't able to afford extracurricular classes for me. i never participated in any sports or activities in school, besides things that are related to academics. this carried into my adulthood. in my 20s, i never paid for studio classes (outside of the occasional groupon), only took yoga classes that were free or donation based, and didn't pursue any hobbies that cost much money. i enjoyed hiking and occasionally running, both of which can be pretty low cost.

in my family, splurges would be on food, travel, some clothes, designer bags, jewelry, family/friends and some electronics. by influence, i always felt like i "should" get a designer bag when i had money, but i realize that i really don't care for them. i'm all for splurging on food and travels, but i think i've experienced enough of that in the last few years. my current channel is splurging on hobbies - which is a foreign concept to my family and i.

this is all to say, because i didn't grow up with this idea, i didn't think it was possible for me. who knew that i could fulfill my social needs by paying for some kind of class or membership. i'm considering getting a membership at a pottery studio (here or back in LA, wherever life takes us), so i can continuing practicing after my class ends. it's also not a super crazy idea to me anymore to pay $200+/mo for yoga membership. there are also other interests i've always had: learning piano, how to swim, culinary arts, dance (much more out of my comfort zone) that i'm excited to pursue in the future.

this note is to thank my younger self for overall being quite frugal and responsible with money, so that my 30s self can enjoy the financial stability and afford to make my dreams come true. also, another thanks to the boo matt for working super hard the last 5 years (more like whole life) for his career that allows us easier access to financial freedom.

other life events:

my SIL's paternal grandmother passed away during a trip to cambodia. she had joined us at the hearst castle family trip a while ago, along with other family functions since. she was shy of 80 and had heart disease. it's sad, it seems like every month i'm hearing about someone passing. RIP

R turned 30 today! we will be doing a surprise bday celebration for her next sunday.

filed my taxes and got about $300 in refunds

[steamishot]

pottery week 1/6

i attended my first wheel throwing class this past sunday, and it kicked my butt. i went in there without doing any prior research, video watching, and had 0 experience in wheel throwing. i was more nervous about being in a classroom setting in person again after what felt like forever. there are 5 people in the class and one sensei. there's one white guy (outside of our sensei), and 4 asian girls including me LOL.

i should note that i attended a drop in modern dance class on presidents' day with T & S which was pretty out of my comfort zone, but easier because i went with friends. another side note: both T & S went back to their respective countries last week. T just got her citizenship recently, but had to delay her trip to vietnam due to passport issues. S's grandma passed away in taiwan so the trip was under sad circumstances.

similar to dance class, wheel throwing involves a lot of steps. however, dissimilar to modern class, we were unable to practice each step piece by piece. there were about 12 steps to making a cup and the instructor went through them very quickly. he offered hands on assistance to each individual, but by the time we reached the last step, i had already forgotten steps 2-3 lol. some of the other people had experience in pottery already, and i was the least knowledgable one. i had social anxiety when people asked questions my way and i was like idk...

during our first class, we went over kikuneri, a japanese kneading technique and how to throw off the hump, meaning we can make multiple pieces from a single large hump of clay in one sitting. we used a thread to cut our pieces off from the hump. i remember feeling really embarrassed during the independent work time, because i had forgotten the steps and i was unable to make a cup like the others were. i meekly walked up to the instructor and asked if he could demonstrate the steps to me again. the instructor sensed i was stressed and reminded me to have fun. he kindly sent me the notes after class.

although i was really looking forward to ceramics class, i'm now a bit intimidated and felt defeated after my first try. i realized i had grown so accustomed to learning from a screen that i totally blank/feel anxious when i have a live person teaching me. i realized it's actually really helpful to be able to watch recorded videos because you can pause and rewatch as many times as you'd like. the good thing is that with our class membership, we're free to go to the studio anytime to practice. i plan on going there maybe 1-2 additional times per week outside of scheduled class.

furthermore, i was a little too shy to talk to the people in my class. but hopefully i'll come out of my shell a bit more. from the looks of it, i'm the second oldest as the other people look like they're in their 20s. immediately after i came home, i started binge watching youtube videos (florian gadsby, woah) on wheel throwing and put a few books on hold so i can get up to speed. i also purchased an apron to wear in class. wish me luck on the weeks to come lol.

other life updates:

no success on any job searching yet. matt recently interviewed with recruiters out in bakersfield and oceanside. everything about the job seems to be great in bakersfield, besides the location. the oceanside work conditions were meh. we're both willing to live in bakersfield temporarily if he gets a job offer. additionally, there are per diem openings with harbor which matt can interview for. COH had explicitly told matt he didn't make it to the finalists, but that his info will be kept on file. we got ghosted by UCLA and UCI. and USC/la general seems to be stringing us along. hope that they have an answer soon, even if it's a no.

R&T have been our consistent friends. they hangout very casually/LA style where it's slow paced and elongated (as opposed to the NYer friends who are more fast paced and busy). they really treat our place like theirs lol. however, they may be leaving even sooner than september due to the dallas job. it's up in the air currently.

matt had his bottom two wisdom teeth taken out and spent about a week recovering/eating soft foods. he has had infections happening on and off for years and finally got it addressed :( the good thing about this is that finally it's been addressed and he's closer to a healthier weight with a restricted diet

i did early spring cleaning and threw out a lot of shit. we purchased an additional plastic drawer and omg i can access all my clothes more easily now.

my dad, SIL and niece will be going to cambodia late march

we watched american fiction in theaters with R&T. initially felt the film was a little slow and disappointed issa rae had such little screen time, but thought the movie overall was great

i sent my texan aunt a nice little "made in brooklyn" goodies box - with the chocolate room snacks and a candle set from apotheke.

the new MUJI duvet cover and insert have really grown on me and are getting more comfortable by the day

went in for an eye exam at a local place and enjoyed "being part of the city". i ordered sunglasses from warby parker as my vision insurance partially covers frames this year.

[steamishot]

mindset shift

i've been working to shift my mindset to live in NYC as if i'm not moving away soon. it's really hard to be present when i have one foot out of the door. my old expectation was "we're going to move back in X months", which resulted in a lot of disappointment and internal struggles. i'm trying to turn this into "we're going to be here for another year and anything less than that is a treat". instead of focusing on when we're gonna be in LA or our next travel plans out of the city, we've been doing a lot of activities locally. i even signed myself up for a 6 week pottery class at NY togei that starts end of february. the class costs $495 and is a huge splurge, considering i've never paid for any "fun" multi-week classes my whole life. this is really a dream come true for me. that means i have to sit my ass down and not go anywhere! if this class goes well, i might even consider signing up for the intermediate class.

on top of pottery class, i also tried to sign up for an acrylic painting class. unfortunately, the class is very small (8 people) and it's competitive to get into. i was #26 on the waitlist. the idea of going out into a class with a consistent schedule (or like, having an obligation outside of the apartment that isn't a social plan) is very appealing to me. i'll continue to try to get into acrylic painting.

yoga: matt and i are doing hot yoga even more consistently now. we go at least 1-2x/week. yesterday, when we did a wide legged forward fold, i surprised myself because i was able to place my forearms on the floor for the first time. additionally, i finally did a crow pose for like a second! i normally don't even attempt the crow pose because i assume i'm too weak. but yesterday i was in the flow and damn, i surprised myself haha.

work: my workload has been a little all over the place. i'm doing L's old work, and the work i transferred over to her has returned to me. there has been new payroll and compliance matters. we have V joining our team next week. V previously worked in our department and i've met her before on occasions - i remember her to be nice and easy to work with. from my understanding, V will take over L's old duties. i'll still be the youngest person on our team.

week activities: this week, we went to double chicken please (#1 bar in north america currently with taiwanese owners), went to pinos to get dry aged steak, cooked the steak using a reverse sear method for the first time (greatly recommend), completed a 1000+ piece LNY dragon lego set, went to apotheke warehouse, hosted 3 friends for the superbowl. the pro is that i'm happy matt and i are having a lot of fun during his week off. the con is that the extremities of his schedule get to be too much with our studio living situation (it's still either too much time alone or too much together time for me). i felt relieved today when he left for work because i missed having the whole apartment to myself haha

friends: the 3 friends we hosted during the superbowl: R&T, L are all leaving in the next half year. R&T just moved here last september, and T accepted a job in dallas. because his job is a hybrid schedule, he'll be super commuting between dallas and nyc for a few months so that they don't have to break their lease and can have a full year to explore NYC. L is leaving in august to norcal. hopefully, we are leaving as well... so our superbowl party is basically a farewell party for all the people who are leaving the city.

hobbies: i am consistently playing chess with B. i suck a little less now. she used to beat me all the time and i think my score went down to the 400s. now i'm back up to 800s and i'm at a 7W/8L scoring with her. i'm on a 63 day streak learning chinese on duolingo.

relationship: this past year has been pretty challenging to navigate due to expectations (of lifestyle, health, job searching, moving back home) and transitioning to an attending job for matt. residency really felt like he was living under a rock and in constant survival mode. the first year of attendinghood still felt like an extended residency because it was super time/energy consuming, which was against my expectations and disappointing. in fact, he had worked longer weeks (>100 hours) than he ever had during residency. i had a lot of doubts about our future because life was "supposed" to be SO much better after training and it just... wasn't. from his training, he had developed GAD and disordered eating. 1.5 years later, matt's getting the hang of the job and worrying less outside of work. he works 80 hours or less per week now. he's continuing to adopt healthier habits outside of work - eating better, exercising more, taking care of his health. he's at 10 months of doing therapy now which has been invaluable. happy to report that he's really taken over the househusband duties during his weeks off. this frees up mental capacity for me to think of how i can grow my income.

[steamishot]

end of january

time tends to feel like it flies by in LA, but the days feel more painful and long in NYC. whenever i have too much time to myself, i tend to ruminate and get stuck on negative thoughts. all the interviews in the past few months that i was hoping would work out for matt, have not come to any fruition. UCI, UCLA, city of hope are most likely a no. LA general/USC is a slight maybe - they are "thick in interview season" and do not have an answer yet. kaiser woodland hills seems to be a malignant program that hires new grads and has them basically work a brutal schedule (5-6 days off a month only, flip flops between nights and days).

sometimes i am more compassionate and patient, because i understand matt is trying really hard and the job market is just extremely competitive. but there are many other times that i have a lot of anger about this whole situation and can as an AH move direct it at him/place the blame on him. recently R&T who just moved here last september has informed us that T has been job searching again, and he received an offer in dallas that they're seriously considering. my pathologist friend L is finishing up her fellowship and she received an offer both in socal and norcal - like she received 2 offers out of 2 in person interviews. i know objectively it's easier for T to land a new job (data science, lower paying), and for L to secure jobs because she's highly specialized, but it's also difficult not to compare their success to our behind the scenes.

TP who is also an INTP like matt and have similar qualities about decision making, shared that it took her a year of job searching (while currently holding a job) to select one that makes the most sense. it did really help to hear things from her perspective, that although i find it tough by association, the person doing the interviewing and being rejected is by far taking the brunt of these difficult situations.

i'm really trying my best to be supportive of all this, instead of focusing on things out of my control. i think the most challenging aspect for me to accept is that we're at the prime age to settle down but there is no plan forward yet.

i could be angry at medicine, at how unfair it is after so many years of training (in a location that is not your choice) you can still end up in a malignant situation, how no one really cares for doctors' work conditions because they "make too much money" and there continues to be abusive/predatory environments even as an attending physician. or i could be grateful for all that this career offers us, in terms of opportunities, fulfillment, respect, job security and financial stability.

yoga: in these past 12 days, i will have completed 10 yoga classes (5 at tangerine and 5 at equinox). this is the most i've ever done consistently. it's useful to switch up the instructors, because most of the ones i went to before did not provide hands on assistance or tell me if i was doing a pose wrong. i purchased a yoga strap to practice flexibility at home!

broadway: this month, we watched hadestown, sweeney todd and moulin rouge. both hadestown and moulin rouge were amazing seats; our seats for sweeney todd were OK but we could not see the actors faces/emotions due to distance. i would rank hadestown > sweeney todd > moulin rouge. i actually left moulin rouge with a headache that lasted a few hours because the music was so loud and everything was so flashy lol

bedsheets: as part of lifestyle creep, we upgraded our duvet insert to MUJI down duvet and got a matching washed cotton duvet cover to match the rest of our ensemble. it was on sale for 40% off. i've been dreaming of doing this for like 3 years now haha so it is a worthwhile mention. i'm not sure yet if it is better than the $30 duvet insert from amazon that we've been sleeping with the last 3 years. i realize i am emotionally attached to our last duvet so it'll take time to get used to this new one.

[steamishot]

~32~

i'm officially 32 years old! good lord. although it doesn't feel great to age, and also see everyone around me get older, i'm excited to watch my niece and the younger generation grow up. my niece is also officially 2 years old and it's been a blessing to watch her develop and now put together like 4 words. i was fortunate to attend her birthday celebration this past sunday. the turnout was huge and i was happy to get to see family/family friends that i have not seen in sooo long.

matt and i took a red eye flight back to NYC on monday/MLK day. he returned to work on tuesday/my birthday and i felt a little blue considering i went from socializing/partying a lot to basically being on my own again. the benefit to this is i feel the most energized/rejuvenated after being in my own space. all of my skincare/hygiene products are here. the bed we're most familiar with is here. and it's also nice to have quiet time all to myself - this was pretty infrequent at home living with my family who often babysat.

the job search is becoming depressing news to me again. it's a lot of waiting, waiting, waiting. however, matt has said he's not going to renew our apartment lease this year as he'll find his way back by september. with the 4 month notice, that means he needs to get something by end of april. my friend K who is always thoughtful, sent me a 90 day self-care journal for my birthday gift. i'm trying to be diligent with this as a quick daily habit which will be useful for my interim period before moving back. habits that i've kept up daily: a few minutes of chess puzzles, and at least one duolingo lesson a day. i'm now practicing chinese instead of japanese as it is more useful to me and i just hit my 41 day streak woohoo.

this week, i'm catching up with all the work i didn't do the past month i was in LA lol. i find it really hard to focus there because i get distracted easily. i felt guilty in this past meeting because i didn't seem prepared or as invested in the work (which may be myself projecting) so i'm working hard to make up for it.

recent events & future events:

went to vegas with matt's family. this trip turned into mostly meeting up with their family friends. they treated us to AYCE sushi (which was surprisingly good), provided us an airbnb to stay in, and we ate a yummy homecooked meal at someone's bougie house one night. matt, T, and i also hung out with V a 17 year old valedictorian and we all played poker together.

checked out the sphere at vegas! it's been a looong time since i've last visited vegas, maybe 7-8 years. on average, not much has changed. but it was interesting to go again, to see what my family gets up to since they visit pretty often. my parents will be going for LNY

visited BB at her new townhouse and had a girls dinner at her place with H & BT. it was a really nice visit because we talked a lot about work related things/behind the scenes gossip (i.e. a former employee who stole hundreds of thousands worth of laptops) that i'm out of the loop with. i'm the one who enters investigatory leaves on the HR system, but i rarely know what's going on until BB fills me in. at this point, i'm really looking forward to doing a hybrid schedule because i feel so disconnected to the work i do now.

introduced SZ to classpass and attended a local yoga class together. she's been checking out a number of other local yoga studios and i'm excited to try them out with her when i'm back.

party of the year - my nieces 2nd bday lol

watched hadestown broadway yesterday with matt, seated in the 3rd row from the front. these were the best seats we've had to date for any show. i remember i watched my first broadway (aladdin) show in 2014 in the balcony seats where you could hardly see the people on stage. 10 years later- started at the back and now we here lol

will be going to figure drawing at happy medium tonight with T. the model will be nude and we'll be supplied with a drink and charcoal - i'm excited!

due to broadway week and BOGO tickets, we'll be watching sweeney todd next wed!

double date with S&I next thurs, where I will make his yummy steak. i have pretty high expectations because S mentions his steaks are better than NYC steakhouses haha

equinox hotel staycation next friday-monday. i took friday and monday off this time around so we can fully enjoy the experience

[steamishot]

holidays

the holidays are over and there's some post-holiday blues. this is better than the holiday blues that i've experienced previously, haha. i have a longer time to settle back into reality because the first week back at work was very slow and chill. all of the managers in HR, as well as some of my colleagues were out of office. my teammate L has officially left us to go to a different department. the work that i transferred over to her when i received a promotion will likely fall back on me again. our immediate team has had a very low turnover rate. S, L, I and i have all been part of our academic team for 4 years now and there was only one switch for the 5th person. however, it makes sense for L to jump because she's still young (3 years older than me).

sometimes, i find it difficult to transition between the lifestyles between NYC and here because it's so different. i'm definitely feeling some "in-betweener" symptoms. yesterday, SZ and i checked out a local yoga class in echo park at 9am. the first thing she said when i picked her up was that it's so windy and chilly outside, and that she was gonna be blown away by the wind (which in my mind was normal tolerable wind). then, when i got to yoga class, so many other people were talking about how windy and cold it has been. the yoga instructor even thanked people for coming out on such a chilly morning. i had no idea because my baseline of cold and wind has now changed, and i was oblivious to the wind/chill because it's way more tolerable and pleasant than the cold weather in NYC. i've been feeling really confused about how "cold" things are supposed to be to be considered cold now.

job search updates: matt had a 30 minute interview with COH last thursday, and we're in the process of setting up one with kaiser woodland hills. but no updates on LA general, UCI, or UCLA. the interview with LA general was back in late november, and we are hoping for an update this month. gah, i hate this anticipation and uncertainty. i explained in therapy that interviewing feels like a black hole sometimes. you expend so much effort into this one thing (prepping, and interviews that are sometimes 5 hours long) for it to be a gamble whether or not you move on. i've again started feeling more discouraged and pessimistic as time passes.

relationship: i've been feeling emotionally disconnected recently. it's just been difficult with his long work hours, on top of preppping for interviewing and interviewing, that our quality time together has been very limited. the last time i was back in LA, i felt depressed/sad that we were back to where we started - long distance with nothing to show for it. however, i feel more optimistic this time around and am seeing it in a more positive light. i am getting the human interaction/community feeling that i was craving, and he's getting the space to unwind after work and do his own thing without someone constantly there (and bugging him). although i miss him, the space does allow for us to focus on our own things, rather than always be intertwined due in part because of the small space. i'm proud of him that he's learning to human, take care of all his chores and make healthier meals, make time to gym/run. matt will be flying back to LA again tomorrow (he's working really hard) and we'll fly back to NYC together this sunday.

limbo: although i feel like our lives have been in limbo, not having roots in a specific place and always on the go, i am grateful that i have solid connections and some kinda roots on both coasts now. i was able to meet up with M&J and SZ this time around, and also met a bunch of family members. on the east coast, S&I are already planning for a double date home-cooked meal at their apartment (which i feel is reserved for close friends/family so it is a privilege), R&T will have a bday celebration in march, and T would like to celebrate my birthday with me. matt also booked another staycation at the equinox as my birthday gift. 🥰 although being in limbo and forced to be flexible has been difficult for me (as a rigid person), i'm trying to focus more on the positives of my situation instead. in LA, i also had the privilege of celebrating christmas and new years with our families. i'll also be going to vegas this week with matt's family, meeting up with previous coworkers and attending my nieces bday party this weekend before heading back.

LA winter: this is also the first winter that i've ever WFH in LA. besides it getting darker and colder, i don't remember that winter had that much of an effect on me when i was commuting to the office. it was the same ish everyday/autopilot. now, i've been getting sleepy at like 7pm because it gets dark at 4pm. i also don't feel inclined to leave the house when it's dark. it's been harder to get up in the mornings because the bed is too comfortable and warm. and i do feel myself getting lazier to workout because of the cold.

life: my dad's cousin/family member passed away recently at 80. it was sad because my family had just had dinner with their family a few months ago and he seemed fine. we grew up meeting with their family periodically since i was little, and they were the only reason we would ever eat at vegetarian restaurants. my dad will be attending the funeral this week. this is the closest "family" member's death that we've had in america in a while. when my parents were on the cruise, they also learned of another friend's death. recently, my mom's cousin in france also passed away after battling cancer. i've never seen my parents cry, get emotional, or grieve over someone's death. it's always been a stoic understanding of "this is part of life". at their age 60+, death seems like a frequent topic ("did you hear this person died?" etc). it reminds me to stay present and cherish the times we have with all our loved ones.

[steamishot]

new year 2024

this holiday break was pretty fun, despite being sick for the majority of my time off. it was nice to have a big party that was constantly going, with all loved ones together.

i arrived back in LA on the 16th night at 10pm. my brother offered to pick me up because he had some coffee equipment he wanted to drop off at my parent's house. he was coughing in the car during the majority of the drive home. because it was like 2am EST by then and i just got off a long plane ride, my body was probably also weaker. i also thought i became "stronger" because i'm able to withstand the NYC cold so i didn't bundle up as much as i usually would - meaning, i was walking around with just a tshirt instead of sweater. i also went to their house again on monday to WFH before heading to pick my parents up at LAX, and my brother continued to cough a lot around me. anyway, i started feeling sick a week afterwards, coincidentally after my last work week. it started with having a sore throat that turned into a painful sore throat, then a full on cold with a LOT of coughing. i think it's the sickest i've been (minus covid) for the past 5-8 years and it lasted like a whole 8 days.

we spent christmas at my aunt's house. i was masked up with a sore throat, but wasn't feeling that bad yet. she cooked an amazing hot pot dinner. i gifted my cousins $25 each and wrote them a card. i was supposed to pick matt up from the airport that night (he was scheduled to arrive at 12:30am, but ended up arriving an hour earlier due to it being christmas/less crowds). he asked his brother to get him instead so i could rest.

that week, i progressively got worse. we were supposed to go to hot yoga and rescheduled it 3x, but ended up not going at all. on thursday, i went to LAX to pick up my auntie and uncle who were visiting from dallas. i was coughing basically the entire drive back. my aunt is a feisty/funny one with good fashion sense and her man is a white former policeman. we got khmer noodles in chinatown. i gave up my room for them to stay in. that night, i drove over to matt's place to sleep. his dad recently got a new tempurpedic mattress and duvet, and it's now like sleeping on a cloud (big upgrade from the previous spring mattress). his family gave me some antiobiotics and matt made me some hot lemon ginger tea.

friday morning, we were supposed to all head out to indio airbnb for a big family gathering (14ppl + baby). like our previous trip maybe 5 years ago, there was some drama about people not wanting to go or being on the fence about going. it was last minute that my grandma and uncle S decided to join. then even more last minute, uncle M decided to back out. then last last minute, uncle M decided to join again. so, we successfully got everyone out there lol. i was feeling really crappy this morning and almost didn't want to go. but i felt hopeful that taking antibiotics would help. we all met at my parent's house and departed from there - 3 cars total. the airbnb had 6 rooms and everyone got to sleep comfortably on a bed. there was a pool table, grill, jacuzzi/heated pool, and game room so everyone was pretty entertained. i was in and out of resting but it was really nice to have everyone around. the next morning, we took some fun group photos outside and it's a time i'll cherish forever. it's not easy to get the family together like this.

i spent that night and the next day at matt's again. with my family, it was about chilling and having fun. with his family, it's all about work/planning lol. his parents talked to me about planning a trip to japan, and also about a trip to vegas next week when matt's in town again. i let them know that japan is a bit far for us to fly out to from NYC (16 hours) and to wait until matt's job prospects are clearer. it would make sense to go once he has more than a week off at a time. for NYE dinner, we had bbq steak and skewers. i was still feeling sick but on the path to recovery by this time. that night, we retired early around 10pm because i had to drop matt off at LAX at 5am for an early flight back to NYC.

i spent more time with my aunt on her last days here. it took some time for us to warm up to each other, but it's always nice to spot some similarities within the family. she has a very feminine, aggressive strength that i admire. we went thrift shopping together and she helped pick out an elegant simple black helmut lang dress for me. i put on home alone 2 to watch together with her and my mom. i missed her after she left.

SS invited me to a classpass workout on 1/2 but we decided to reschedule for next time. even though we didn't get to meet, i appreciated the thought. i had the goal of running 2 miles multiple times a week and was successful up until the point where i got sick. i haven't done any workouts in the last 10 or so days. SZ will come over later for a baby workout.

therapy: i had my first video session with monica today. i felt a little awkward at first. she looked older than i thought she was (based off of her grad year, she's supposed to be around my age). i felt more closed off with the video on than on our previous phone call. i also noticed that i feel self conscious if i see her eyes looking elsewhere (thinking am i boring you, am i communicating well enough, are you listening, etc) and i share less when this happens. anyway, this session was OK. we had both come back from holiday mode. i had a generally great week and a half or so, so it didn't feel good to resurface my issues that i temporarily forgot about or to rehearse/explain them to someone else. it was like "here's reality again". or even worse, it felt like i was listing out all my problems, which takes even more effort for someone who doesn't already know me/my life. and also a bit more effort to explain the realities of a medical career. she asked a lot of questions, and had more questions after each of my answers without much feedback. i honestly felt worse after this session. i questioned if my issues are severe enough to warrant therapy or if it's more beneficial to chat with friends about it for support. anyway, i have another session with her next wednesday - we'll see how it goes. perhaps it's not a good fit, or this is just part of the process.

babysitting: my brother and SIL have been really really dependent upon my parents for babysitting. my SIL grew up rich and always had this mentality that she's the boss/can order other people around. she has a lot of tact so can get by with it. my parents (mostly dad) really missed my niece during their 3 week cruise, so they were happy to babysit her when they came back. the daycare was also closed for the holidays for a week. however, they're still really tired, from their own duties/chores, running businesses, entertaining visitors, meeting friends, etc. yesterday, my SIL received news that the daycare will be closed for the next two weeks due to personal issues - which means more work for my parents. though they are technically happy to babysit their grandbaby, it can also be extremely exhausting. my niece is also getting to be really spoiled because everyone dotes on her. today, my parents decided to start letting her be diaper-less. my dad spanked her for the first time ever twice today, like really hard, because she peed her pants after having the chance to pee on the toilet. he was only ever loving/doting/accommodating to her since she was born so it was shocking to finally see this discipline. i don't know how i feel about spanking.

[steamishot]

last work week

it's the last working week of the year aka no one is working. i just had my last meeting of the year (academic affairs meeting with dr. martin). i always feel a little awkward when i'm in LA but have to pretend like i'm in NY. they don't ask about when i'm coming home because they know it's personal. but they sometimes ask about the weather and i have to recall from memory lol (the most surface level and acceptable).

emotional health: this past half year has looked like a hump in terms of emotional health. the Y axis is my emotional distress, and X is time. i reached the most emotional distress in october/november. i felt funky, anxious, worried, my appetite was low, didn't feel like seeing people because my mood sucked, i felt like crying all the time (and actually cried a lot). now i'm riding down on the wave. i'm more emotionally stable, i'm more social, my appetite is sorta normal. i'm currently back at 116 from 110 when i was feeling depressed.

job search updates: matt had a 5 hour interview with UCI (chatted with 7 different people individually) last wednesday. he had just come off from a week of night shifts that ended on tues morning. his life is roughhh. he thought the interview didn't go well and they asked very tough questions/had very high expectations for their candidates. on thursday, he had two 30 min phone calls with city of hope and UCLA. the UCLA guy was actually more down to earth and friendly. these are the four jobs that he actually likes and they have pretty good work conditions. i really, really hope one of them comes through. i think my first choice is LA general (previously USC) though their pay is the lowest because it offers the best work-life balance. city of hope may come in second. then UCLA and lastly, UCI. overall, i've been feeling better about this because he now has opportunities that are superior to the redlands one. staying hopeful but grounded.

coffee setup: i've become the barista for my family. my parents' kitchen is now equipped with a coffee grinder and espresso machine. i made 5 lattes today. in NYC, i always make iced lattes because my apartment is consistently warm. but it's cold in LA during the winter so i've made all hot drinks.

therapy: i had my first intake call today with monica. yay for kaiser covering my insurance. off the bat, the intake call seemed a lot more professional than any betterhelp sessions i've been to. i also don't have to stress about if the therapy session are "worth" paying out of pocket. she asked a lot of questions for the assessment and wrote everything down. it seems that betterhelp doesn't have a consistent method in providing therapy. i'll be able to do two therapy sessions while i'm in LA, but she won't see me when i'm in NYC due to licensure.

interests: to be less tunnel-visioned in this job search, i've been consistent in playing chess and learning japanese on duolingo. B added me on chess so it's been nice playing with a friend as a way to keep connected. recently watched salt, fat, acid, heat (and purchased the book to read) on netflix, and checked out dr. death.

goal setting: my work mom B has consistently gifted us planners as christmas gifts the last 5 or so years. i admittedly am not great at using planners and i lose the consistency after a week or so. however, i do see the benefit of writing down a general to-do or goals list. i have a tendency to dream small, or not too big, but i need to put on my big girl "i can" pants so that i can level up. i learned from the rock solid relationship podcast that it's not a bad idea to have goals that you may think are insane (i.e. make 30 million dollars in my business). my long-term goals are what's dictating my day to day habits and short-term goals. so, of course i'll feel purposeless if i don't even identify what my long-term goals are. and of course i'll be bored if i'm dreaming too small so here:

have a 7 figure net-worth by 35

become a CPA

run a 10K in less than an hour

run a 5k in less than 27 min

run a <8 min mile

be a homeowner by age 35

be an expert at chess

be an expert at cooking

be an expert at drawing

be able to speak/read chinese and japanese

be able to do a crow pose and headstand in yoga

move to LA by summer 2024

have a six figure salary by age 34

reach 120lbs (healthy weight)

run my own successful business

make a (good) tulip in latte art

[steamishot]

leveling up (or not)

i've still been listening to a lot of sara payne's rock solid relationships episodes and it's been very uplifting to me as she provides mostly great life coaching (for free!). one episode stood out most to me recently, which is about leveling up. she talked about playing mario and going on to the next level. with every advance, there is failure. you die, you try again, you keep trying until you beat the level. otherwise, you're stuck at the same level and always winning - this although nice, gets boring and unfulfilling. as a student, we go through all the grades K-12, then in college year 1-4, etc. so there's always that feeling that we're growing incrementally.

in my professional life currently, i feel that i've been playing on the same level and constantly winning. it's definitely boring and unfulfilling. there are pockets where it's busier and the work is new and more challenging - but this usually only lasts a little while and it becomes boring again. especially during the holiday season, i feel like no one wants to be working and its been really slow! at least on the outside, it appears that i have received a promotion this year, so it is an instance of leveling up. after reflection, i want to resume my studies in accounting and possibly aim for a CPA.

furthermore, i used to be more goal oriented when it came to working out/exercising. i can think back specifically to during covid where i would track my running speed and consistently run 5Ks multiple times a week. also, when i did copilot for two months (?) and leveled up in weights to the point where i surprised myself. now, i am mostly doing hot yoga and youtube workouts - but for the purpose of maintenance, not growing. i've even recently started searching for easier workouts as i feel lazier, and had no motivation to use my heavier weights. this also made the workout feel more boring and unfulfilling. the podcast episode really made me think of all the areas in my life that i am not leveling up in. so, for the past two days, i've put in more effort into my workouts and it definitely became more challenging and rewarding.

i started playing duolingo and learning japanese as a replacement to social media. at least for this, there is a clear indication of a path forward (unit 1 -> 2, etc).

i will start therapy with kaiser mid-december. i want to delve in to my need to put myself on the backburner. for example, i'd rather focus on someone else's career (aka matt's) instead of my own. i've always prided myself on being "selfless" and helping other family members, being the reliable one. why i avoid being the "main character" and feel more comfortable as a supporting cast.

this is part of the reason why i felt so down about matt's job search being unsuccessful thus far. i became totally tunnel-visioned about this that i had very little else going on for me (AND vice-versa). because i had so little going on for me, i needed to latch onto his thing to feel some sense of purpose. to be honest, it's probably the latter moreso than the former.

to make life more interesting and intentional/purposeful, i'll need to set SMART goals for myself. 2024?

edit: i attended hot yoga today, even though i almost didn't feel like going. matty always has a little story at the beginning of class. today, he talked about beyonce and her film renaissance now out in theaters, and the commentary about her daughter blue ivy receiving criticisms from online haters. despite the criticisms, she continues to show up and try her best to get better. he inspired us to say "i can" instead of "i can't". this was completely coincidental to my theme of wanting to level up recently, so i tried harder than i normally do in yoga class and felt proud of myself.

quote: “Very rarely does pursuing our dreams feel like anything other than a lot of effort clothed in self doubt.” Self doubt is part of the deal. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.

[steamishot]

it's december~

i did a lot of black friday shopping: nordstrom's (with my aunts 40% off), breville, manduka, smith tea, and lululemon. i had a "fuck it, we were overall quite financially responsible this past year" given also receiving a promotion (and saving a lot by not upgrading apartments), so i wanted to be a tad irresponsible and treat myself. it's the most responsible time to be financially irresponsible, at least!

from my last post, i still have some funkiness and sadness going on, but the crying has stopped after that period. i read sara payne's book "i did all of that for this?!", which is a book written by a medical spouse. i think i first read it towards the end of residency but didn't really relate to it too much. however, now rereading it at this point in our lives and the medical journey, i related SO much to basically everything she said, to the point where i had the some of the same thoughts verbatim. i also listened to a few of her podcast episodes called rock solid relationships, which were helpful. additionally, i did some CBT workbook practices - these were all to identify and examine all the thoughts i was having that were impacting my feelings.

i'm letting myself "grieve". recently on the medspouse subreddit, a few people have posted about how disappointed and upset they were at where their partners had matched for fellowship. a number of people have indicated crying and grieving the news. hearing this, i also felt less alone and normal to have these kinds of feelings and wounds.

some news about the job search: matt's interview and chalk talk with USC went pretty well (it seems). the interviewers were impressed by his current title from a fancy hospital. compared to the previous job interviews, he is genuinely interested in this one and doesn't think it's a step down from his current position as the others may have been. this would be a "normal" 8-5 M-F job. additionally, he has interviews with UCI and city of hope coming up. we're also in contact with UCLA. i will follow up with UCSD. cold emailing really works to get interviews. i'm keeping my expectations low but have my fingers crossed for good outcomes. i really hope he can get something with a start date of 7/1/24.

strangely, and perhaps i have some depressed girl vibes going on which is creating this - but this past month has been the most i've ever been complimented by strangers, like ever. on my plane ride to SF, an older white man poked me as he walked down the aisle (i was seated) and said "you're too cute". then, in brooklyn as i was walking to the japanese market, some younger white (?) guy started walking next to me and said "wanted to say what's up, you look kinda good". lastly, yesterday, matt and i went to visit R&T at their upper east side home. we arrived earlier than them so i was waiting at the steps while matt walked around. a black guy that walked by said "you're beautiful, have a lovely day".

i'm telling myself this is god's/the universe's plan for me. that the previous jobs and redlands didn't work out for a reason. that R&T coincidentally moved here to NYC in september so that my remaining time in NYC would be better (and it has been substantially because of them). that random strangers are complimenting me to lift me up.

thanks to R&T, thanksgiving wasn't so lonely this year. last year, i basically spent my thanksgiving weekend alone because matt was working. this year, they joined us on thanksgiving day which was also matt's bday and made it a festive day. that weekend, i spent the day with them at industry city, dropped off coffee for matt, shopped at primark and had dinner at our apartment. they invited us on a trip to CT this past weekend to see their cousin perform at a community theater. it was so nice to just tag along with someone else's plan. we just showed up and went along for the ride.

R&T are very casual and very lenient on time. matt and i's new normal is to rush and be on a time crunch so traveling with them really helped us slow down and chill. it was nice to experience how another couple travels and to finally not be in charge. thanks T for driving! we watched elf the musical (which was quite funny and entertaining), stayed at a hotel that night while they stayed at their cousin's place, visited their family the next day, met up with their resident friend at yale and got a short "tour", and got malaysian food for dinner! they are a bit younger than us, so it also feels like they have more energy. R takes a lot of nice pictures and brings a warm happy energy to the group.

[steamishot]

funky

although there have been a lot of good moments this past month, i overall was in a funk. in hindsight, i was really disappointed with how the job search was going and a lot of my expectations going out the window. our plan of moving back in winter (aka now) looks more like summer of next year or later. i was in LA for three weeks and matt and i were semi-long distance. i felt really sad that after all these years of hard work, we were where we started: me in my parents house, him in a tiny apartment in NYC, and the future uncertain. i felt like we had nothing to show for all the years of sacrifice and it is embarrassing. also, being at home feels different recently. like there is some silent disappointment that we haven't moved back home yet and it keeps getting delayed (could be me projecting).

my ginger/headspace app from kaiser finally reactivated during a good time. i had a couple texting sessions with life coaches which were helpful. the main takeaway from this is that i became so tunnel-visioned on something that is essentially out of my control, and basically forgot to nurture all the things that are in my control. i felt like i had job search depression by extension. reading about how others were struggling to find a good job (and remembering that my own brother was unemployed for 8 months) helped me feel less alone. i am planning on doing therapy starting december since it is covered by kaiser when i'm in CA.

finally, i cried at least 6+ times in the last two weeks instead of holding it all in. i usually only cry a couple of times a year max. it felt very releasing, and i reminded myself it's okay to not be okay.

positive things

my cousin stephanie came to visit from TX and she slept over at my parent's house for 3 nights. it was so nice to get to know her a little bit more. i never felt close to her because she grew up a lot more americanized and i am naturally closed off, but there's also many commonalities by just being related. she and matt connected because they're both in healthcare. she joined us for hot yoga one day and was quite good

one of the days, my niece had a 102 fever. luckily, there were two healthcare professionals in the room. i went along with matt (MD) and stephanie (PA) to CVS to pick up an ear thermometer since we didn't have one at home

attended S&A's wedding. it was an intimate setting and the bride was gorgeous ;) got to finally meet the groom A and see J&O again after 3+ years. we really liked the succulents and food.

had a craft's day with G at her parent's house in east LA while watching twin flames and no hard feelings. we made felt ornaments that i later gave to my niece

went on a hike and ate dinner with matt's family at ho kee cafe.

got hai di lao and matcha with stephanie at westfiled santa anita. i gifted her my old coffee grinder, but my clumsy self broke the glass container at the last minute :/

had dinner at my aunt's house for veterans day. i got to see my baby cousin E who is taller now! i picked up cousin B from color guard practice. it was inspiring to see how hard these teenagers were working

as part of the long distance lifestyle, matt and i met up in norcal to celebrate his birthday. we stayed at alila ventana big sur and carmel valley ranch. alila, though beautiful, was TOO indulgent for me lol. due to it being all inclusive, we basically planned our days around eating at the same restaurant and i just felt meh and stuck. i much preferred our carmel valley ranch stay, where we were more active and got to explore the town

funny side note, we took a class called balance and fit at CVR and it turns out everyone in the class was at least 80 years old. the instructor was nice enough not to treat us differently haha

did a corepower sculpt class in redwood city before flying a red eye back to NYC

matt has an interview with USC next week. a few other places have responded: kaiser, UCLA, memorialcare and cedars. fingers crossed (but keeping expectations low)

i started watching abbott elementary and really enjoyed it. recently enjoyed the movie a million miles away. i also started playing chess on chess.com. this is me learning how to nurture other parts in my life i've been neglecting. i am literally learning resilience by playing chess. i have a tendency of not wanting to lose/fail, and rather give up than learning how to do better. but, here i am losing and continuing to try lol

thanksgiving: matt is on a hard rotation and it is his birthday on thanksgiving day. R&T mentioned hanging out but we haven't finalized plans yet. i have plans with T to watch marvels on friday.

black friday wishlist: manduka yoga mats, yogitoes yoga towels, breville bambino plus espresso machine to keep at my parent's house, fellow opus grinder (already purchased) and maybe a new kindle cover

note: life is much more enjoyable when i don't try and control everything. appreciate the here and now, because i might miss it once it's gone. having such rigid expectations will always leave me feeling disappointed. enjoy the journey as it is 70-80% of the process.