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sullina · 1 month

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Steven universe future episode 15 "Mr. Universe" starting with Greg and Steven going on a roadtrip to the tune of "dear old dad" and ending with Steven deleting the old yearbook photo off his phone.

I just love this kind of extreme contrast.

the episode starts with Steven genuinely believing that his dad might be able to help him after what undoubtedly feels like an eternity of a confusing and aimless hell for Steven (as having a mental illness tends to be).

Finally, something to help him get better.

Only to realize how terrible he really had it. He says it himself. "I grew up in a van! I've never even been to a doctor until two days ago!" along with how he never went to school on top of that, when Gregs parents, Stevens grandparents, were "right here".

This is the episode that Steven (and also I) realized that while Greg loved him dearly, he was not cut out to be a father. Or at least, he didn't know how to be a father, how to properly care for a child.

Gregs parents were extremely strict, according to Greg himself, and Greg obviously didn't want to be like them, but he overcorrected into the opposite direction: total freedom. But children need boundaries and rules. Not so many as to be suffocating, but at least some structure to learn what was safe to do and what wasn't.

That last part did not exactly apply to Stevens childhood. We never see his early childhood, but from the start of the first show, Steven is exposed to genuinely traumatizing danger over and over and over (as shown in the "Growing pains" episode, where Steven goes to the hospital and recounts all the traumatizing stuff that happened to him to Connies mom, Dr. Maheswaran). Steven knew what was dangerous, but he never seemed to learn what "safe" really was, considering not just Steven himself, but his home and family and friends were often under attack. Not to mention all of the physical injuries he got. Steven never really got away from just about any dangerous situation with "just" a bruise. He could have died, and he knows this. Any danger he's faced has been potentially lethal. This is not healthy, but the consequences only show up later.

But as a child, he either wasn't 100% aware of that fact, or decided to just subconsciously shove it down and not think about it ("not thinking about the bad stuff" is also a confirmed coping mechanism for young steven, as shown in "mindful education", the episode that features the song "here comes a thought"). But young steven only felt bad about the stuff that he couldn't do for others. The bad stuff that happened to himself didn't really seem to register, because there was always something more important going on, and even when there wasn't, no one ever checked in on Steven afterwards. Everyone just assumed he was okay, and that was it. Even Steven himself.

When there wasn't a (usually life-threatening) mission going on, Steven was very often left to his own devices. And that extends beyond just mission stuff. I don't think we've ever seen anyone actually cook for Steven. Whenever he eats, it's either some kind of take-out food, or food he made for himself. And it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it does send the message of "you're responsible for yourself, if you can't take care of yourself on your own, no one will do it for you". Add that and the fact that it was Steven who helped the Gems through their mental stuff (especially Pearl, especially when concerning anything related to Rose), I can't blame Steven for internalizing the message of "you're responsible for yourself and also everyone else (so all you're good for is helping others regardless of your own wellbeing, which is not important)"

And bringing it back around to Greg... Greg never had the courage for any sort of real confrontation. Initially, you can blame his own parents for that, if we assume that any attempt for Greg to properly assert himself was only ever met with more abuse than he was already subjected to by them. However, while the blame is not with Greg himself, as an adult, he is responsible for healing from that. But he didn't, and the consequences of this trauma are still there. Greg lived without any ability for serious confrontation and asserting himself by just... running away. He ran away from his parents with the van. And while he tried to reconnect with them later on with the letters, those letters were never opened. Greg probably never recieved a response from them, and he most likely didn't even visit to check on them, if the letters ever even arrived. Whenever there was gem-stuff involved, he ran away (quite literally), and in Steven Universe Future, when Steven crashed the van? He tells his son that he's proud of him for "telling him off", because he's glad that his own son can tell him anything.

Steven is distressed by this reaction. A lot.

And it's this reaction that tells him that Greg can't help him.

It's just such an odd reaction. You crash your dads van and he tells you he's proud of him? I mean what kind of reaction is that? You'd expect to be reprimanded. Or at least be asked something like "what the hell was that? Why did you do that?" But Greg didn't. He didn't confront his own son after crashing the very van he's built his life with. The only thing Greg did was make sure that Steven was alright physically.

And the next episode? The gems do reprimand Steven, but what for? For endangering his dad, who is a "fragile human". There was little to no concern for Steven himself. No "What was going on" or anything, just a "what were you thinking?" as if Steven crashed the van on purpose, which he didn't.

Steven never recieved any boundaries to keep him safe, and the only other family, the one he was actually living with, the Gems, most often left him completely alone unless there was a mission to complete. Steven mainly cared for his own self in his day to day life. He even seemed to do his own laundry a lot of the time, he was the one making sure he was fed at age 13 and up, likely also the one to make sure he had a personal hygiene routine. While we don't know about that last part, Greg wasn't living with Steven, and while i don't doubt he taught his son about personal hygiene, it was up to Steven himself to enforce it. If 13 year old Steven didn't feel like brushing his teeth some days, would anyone have made sure he did it anyway?

And what about education? We know Steven knows how to read and write and probably the basics of math as well. He knows the basics of what he needs to know, either taught to him by Greg or by Pearl, but anything beyond that? Physics? Chemistry? At least some basic science?

And not just education itself, school is also important to socializing, getting to know people of your own age group. Living at the temple, Steven was pretty much isolated. Sure, he knew people in town, but i don't think we ever see them actually visiting him, or him visiting anyone else just to hang out. And even when we do, it's pretty rare.

The closest thing Steven had to a friend his own age was Onion, and Onion is, well... he's Onion. And shown to commit legit crimes more than once. And Steven is often shown to be kind of scared of Onion, or at least uncomfortable around him. He takes it in stride, but I'm pretty sure if Steven ever thought about it properly, he would probably say that Onion freaked him out. Plus, Onion is much younger than Steven, seeing as Steven should be around the same age as Sour Cream (since they were both babies around the same time, though SC is probably a year or so older than Steven still).

Everyone around Steven was either his caretaker (who weren't very good at their job as proper guardian) or an acquaintance at best and likely unaware of what was going on with Steven at home.

Steven was isolated and neglected in vital parts of his upbringing, the best the gems did was making sure he didn't die, and Greg was no longer reliably around to make sure everything was alright, unless Steven came to him. And Steven was the one to take care of his guardians in their critical moments.

And still, Steven was a "good" child. He took care of his own physical human needs, with no one around to make sure that he did. When something bothered him, he took care of it himself. When others were bothered by something, Steven took care of them, too.

Even in battle, he tried to resolve everything peacefully when he could. When he couldn't, like with the corrupted gems, he fought when needed, to the best of his abilities. The more his powers came in, the more missions he could go on (the more time he could spend with the gems who were his family).

He made himself useful, not unlike a weapon: to be drawn when needed, and put away when not needed.

But he's not a weapon. He's an alive being with needs, emotional and physical. But the gems didn't seem to realize that. Greg wasn't properly caring for him like he should have. In the episode where Lapis steals the ocean, Greg even asks "is this what every mission is like for you, Steven? Because I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you going on these anymore." (i think he was interrupted then, but that's pretty much what he said) Greg doesn't know what happens on these missions, and even when he expresses his dicomfort with his son being put in danger, nothing actually happens to make that stop. Stevens physical needs were taken care of by himself. His emotional needs were often disregarded, not only by the gems, but by himself as well.

He made himself small, bottling up his issues and not bothering anyone with them.

And everyone else just... let him. Just let that happen. Steven was fine, right? If he's not calling for help, then everything must be fine, right?

The gems and Greg only ever started to say something in SU Future, when it was pretty obvious that Steven was no longer alright. When the problems became harder and harder for Steven to hide.

And even when it was obvious that he wasn't alright, Steven himself kept insisting that he was fine, because he couldn't be not fine, he had to be fine, because he couldn't help others if he wasn't, and if he couldn't help others, then what was he good for-

In "Growing pains", when Steven goes to the hospital, Greg is actively forced to confront his son and assure him that he'll help, that he's there for him, and they will figure this out together. And things seem to look up for Steven. Well, until the next episode, when Greg shows him the solution that helped him when he was younger. When that didn't help Steven though, Greg tried to push it on him again. When Steven lashes out at how Greg messed up with caring for him, Greg completely fails to see it and keeps saying how Steven had "actual freedom".

But too much freedom isn't much different from utter neglect.

And even when Steven crashes the van, Greg still fails as a parent. Sure, Steven is alive, but he refuses to confront his emotional wellbeing, the real problem. Greg Universe runs away again. Like he did from any gem-related issue. Like he did from raising Steven as soon as the gems took over. Like he did from his own parents.

And because of this, he would never be able to help his son. He could never teach Steven how to cope, because Gregs only way of coping seemed to be "run away from your problem". But Steven could only run from his problems for so long. He bottled his problems up and internalized them, but that bottle was always gonna burst sooner or later, and then what? Steven couldn't run from himself, because wherever he went, he would always be there.

His own father couldn't help him.

The gems couldn't help him.

Literally the only adult who was able to give him any sort of help was Dr. Maheswaran, and even then, all she could do for him was identify the problem.

Steven was on his own.

But it's not like he was dying or anything, so he was fine, right? As long as he wasn't dead, he was okay, he could take care of himself and everyone else like he's always done.

He always took care of everyone else.

So why were they leaving?

Why were they moving on without him?

Why are they leaving him behind? He's been good, hasn't he?

And even when he messed up, he always fixed things, didn't he? Always!

He fixed things! That's what he does! He's Steven, the one who always helps everyone and never needs help himself, but if they were leaving, was he really a good child? Was he really helpful?

But if he wasn't helpful, then... what has he been doing all this time?

If helpful Steven wasn't helpful, then he could only be a fraud.

No... no, he could always find a problem to fix! And if he couldn't find one, he would just have to create one! As long as he could create problems, he would never run out of problems to fix, right?

As long as he just keeps messing up and creating problems-

Wait...

No...

That's not right...

If he's creating problems, he's not helpful...

He's a monster.

#Steven universe future #suf #su #steven universe #long post #this got long #i do hope it's coherent though bc i refuse to re-read and edit this stuff bc I'll only confuse myself #also while it may not seem like it i do love the gems and greg #but it's very clear they were not great caretakers for Steven #anyway:#cw child neglect #cw spiraling thoughts #even if it's “just” the spiraling thoughts of a fictional character

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youraverageventblog · 7 months

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It really hurts when you realize you aren’t their closest friend anymore.

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jamietarttsnorthernattitude · 3 months

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Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sentence Sunday

Trying something, but I'm not sure if it's going to work or if it'll end up in the final story, but here it is.

Somedays, he didn’t know how to feel like a real person. Somedays, he never left that basement in Kansas. Part of Ted died that day with his father, leaving him doing his best Pinocchio impression of trying to act like a real boy. Somedays, it worked. Somedays, Ted ended up turning into a donkey. So, to help, he developed mantras. Be curious, not judgemental. Forgive people. Don’t give up. Never let people question how you feel about them. Somewhere along there he forgot how to just be Ted. Somewhere along there he forgot to meet people where they were. Somewhere along there he forgot all people are different people. Somewhere along there he forgot that Jamie needed something different than the other fellas. Somewhere along there, he forgot he was supposed to be a coach and not just an extra in the Zava show. Somewhere along there, he failed at all of it.

#i may have gone off the rails for #six sentence sunday #like extremely off the rails #oops innit #ted lasso #zava #minor thoughts of #jamie tartt #if that’s possible #mostly ted spiraling #cw suicide mention #cw suicide #fan fiction writers 🤝 forcing Ted to treat Jamie the way we wanted him to #fic: false confidence #fic: here for a reason but you don't know why

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cabincryptid51 · 2 years

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Day 3 of @intr0vrt3dextr0vert 's Magtober: Favorite Episode

For some reason I like the episode about the funky little clay spiral man, so have some art of MAG 126: Sculptor's Tool!

This is my first day posting one of these, but I have the first two days as drafts that I am going to try and post at some point this week!

I don't know how many days I will do, but I do have some ideas for future prompts, so I will try to at least do those!

The text is meant to read, "They do not have a name, it would only confuse them"

Non distorted and no text under the cut

#tw bright colors #bright colours cw #cw bright colors #bright colors tw #tobi's magtober time #magtober #magtober 2022 #tmatober #gabriel tma #the worker of clay #tma #the magnus archives #tma s4 #mag 126 #a funky little guy who is an avatar of the spiral that likes to work with clay?#I do believe that also describes me #which is probably why I like this episode #I also thought about doing mag 16 mag 34 or mag 112 #I don't know why but arachnophobia has stuck with me?#it was the main episode I would rant to my partner about when I first started the podcast #and I still would say that I like it #anatomy class is honestly just fun #gotta love some kids trying to figure out how organs work #and thrill of the chase is is interesting to me #that is the best word I can think kf for my feelings about it but it isn't really the vest word for it #another door and a few others also come to mind vut this is the one that I wanted to do #anyway #I am very tired and going to get some sleep #it ks almost 2 and my internet decided to delete most of my posts the first time so I re wrote jt #my art

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yellowspiralbound · 7 months

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I've had an epiphany: Yennefer x Milva.

Have they met in canon? No. Do I care? Also no. But like, here me out.

Milva, who is crass and bold and boyish (a lesboy/boydyke if you will). Milva, who is everything Yennefer has trained herself not to be. Milva, who never got enough time to mourn her miscarried child. Milva, who ultimately spent months tracking Ciri and died for Yennefer's baby girl.

Yennefer, who is poised and posh. Yennefer, who rubs elbows with high society and would never dream of looking at the filth Milva grew up in. Yennefer, who would do anything for her daughter. Yennefer, who sees this beautiful wild half-dryad and can't help but fall head over heels.

Yennefer, whose hands are damaged beyond repair. Milva, who spent so long in Brokilon that she knows how to ease the pain. Milva rubbing lotion into Yennefer's broken hands and holding on for just too long. Yennefer, who doesn't want her to let go. How long has it been since someone held her so gently?

Milva, who cries over the child that could have been. Yennefer, who knows better than anyone what it feels like to loose the possibility of a child. Yennefer holds her close and they cry together and Yennefer holds her in a hug for just too long. Milva, who doesn't want her to let go. How long has it been since someone held her so gently?

I am...consumed by thoughts.

#cw miscarriage #tw miscarriage #the witcher #the witcher books #yennefer x milva #do yall see the vision?#i see the vision #the parallels #the tenderness #the lesbianism #literally what more could one need #yennefer of vengerberg #milva barring #maria barring #crackship #spiral's thoughts

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willowser · 2 years

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okay, but. single dad!bakugou has such a quiet and shy son. listen to me.

#no really this is so important #he has no choice but to learn patience and tenderness #he's gruff and unsure and hates doing it alone #but he has to TEACH HIMSELF how to do this right #because he doesnt want to let this kid down #i'm spiraling i cant stop thinking about this bye #cw children #✿ willow writes #✿ shut up willow #✿ thoughts: bakugou

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arthur-r · 27 days

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testosterone meeting complete?!?!?!?!???!!!

#it went well the doctor was so much better than any doctor i’ve met ever in my life #treated me like a human being?? was familiar with my pre-existing conditions??#saw autism on my chart and just acknowledged it and moved on?? no ‘‘are you sure you’re trans you’re just a confused autistic kid’’ ??!!#i have an informed consent paper to look at now but it’s all stuff i’ve already researched #i have officially decided that T is more important to me than biological children so we got this #(i was already basically there but i had an anxiety spiral a couple months ago about freezing my eggs which i’ve confirmed was just anxiety #‘‘just anxiety’’ i sound like a fucking evil doctor but like. intrusive-thoughts-anxiety vs thing-i-should-listen-to. i don’t want bio kids #the one thing i’m nervous about is my singing voice i wanna make sure i get some recordings in before my voice changes #cause my voice isn’t mine but i’ve sure worked hard on it shdhdf and it has a high pitched anxious quality to it that you can’t often find #shdhdhf i just feel like the voice i have now is more unique than wherever i’m gonna end up. and i really want to sound like my favorite cis #men musicians but i feel like my anxious songs just won’t hit the same if it sounds like some guy is singing them #so i’m gonna make some recordings within the next month to put out pre-T demo versions of my songs (real demos not what i’m always posting)#and then i’ll be ready. cause i want to sound like some weird shitty man SO BAD. please just let me be some off-key guy with voice cracks #TO BE CLEAR i would sure like to be a talented singer on testosterone. which has happened for one of my dearest friends and can probably #also happen for me. if i keep working on my voice all the time. BUT i would rather have a shitty low voice than a beautiful high one #which i did a lot of thinking about and grappling with since i’m a vocalist and it’s kind of really important to me #but half the male musicians i listen to can’t even hold a tune. so I CAN HANDLE IT #anyway!! i’m going to latin now!! and then i have work and then asexual club and then heading home and maybe laundry #i hope everybody has a good day and i love you dearly #me. my post. mine.#delete later #medical cw #(? ask to tag)

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jamiethebeeart · 1 year

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(click for better quality)

Edit: Censored Version (X)

#shuichi iguchi #shigaraki tomura #mha spinner #bnha spinner #mha fanart #mha #bnha #spinaraki #cw blood #cw bruises #tw blood #tw bruises #tumblr is back at it again with ruining 4 hours of work but that's ok 🙃🙃#this started with the pose and then it slowly spiralled into yet again another battlefield scene so... whoopsies!#i had this post all done and then???? it got eaten??????? i know i put more thoughts down in the tags but uuuugh i dont remember them all #mha jbee

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desertdxg · 8 months

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tw rape (not cnc), venting, negative

its been four months, and its all i can think about.

i can feel the duct tape on my wrists.

i can feel the pressure on my neck and chest.

i can taste the fabric of his boxers in my mouth.

i can still feel the dull sting on my ass from the canes.

i can feel the hair being ripped out from the tape he used to make me keep it in.

i can smell the non latex condoms he used, because he was allergic to latex.

i sob and cry and panic whenever a pillow ends up on my face.

even when it was an accident, or it happened in my sleep...

i wake up in terror, thinking that it's happening all over again.

and there's five new scratches on my face to prove it.

i get aroused thinking about it, sometimes.

and yet, im ashamed of it and ashamed of myself for letting it happen.

i have taken at least a hundred showers since that day, may seventeenth, twenty twenty-three.

multiple times a day, some days, and the filth he has buried in my skin has not washed off and i doubt it ever will.

i was and am a stupid whore, and im ashamed of myself for letting it happen to me.

i remember he only stopped because he couldn't get it up and cum any more.

it was four months ago and it was all my fault.

#cw rape #rape cw #rape tw #tw rape #vent post #vent #trauma dump #trauma #im obsessing over this incident again like a psycho bitxg #i probably had it coming #hes probably living his life #happy comfortable not a thought or concern #but im over here. ruined. traumatized. destroyed. spiralling further than ever before #hes part of my body and my soul forever andi just want to claw him out #or get myself a new body and soul. these ones are tainted #these ones are tainted and its all my fault #how can i call myself a victim when i let it happen

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vilvermin-sqwirl · 2 years

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various emotionally charged artwork from the past year to now cw : body horror photosensitivity yea yea, moving on

#negative cw #venting in among us???#art #digital art #abuse #photosensitivity #a lot of this is just art that helped process with abuse #also a lot of angry/spiral stuff #i thought i should post them all in one thing so i don't have to have them lying around individually #body horror

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zombiedcattle-art · 2 years

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a comic i made today

(click for higher quality)

#summarized this one is about what its like having relationships with bpd #and spiraling and stuff #lmk your thoughts :]#minicomic #comic #vent #unreality cw #death cw #apocalypse cw

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byanyan · 1 year

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ㅤon byan's past experiences with family & the foster care systemㅤ—ㅤas byan's modern verse has effectively become their main verse, at least for the time being, it seems about time to expand a bit on their backstory. in this case, on one of the main sources of their trauma, distrust, & inability to let themself get close to people: their unfortunate history with family.

ㅤbyan doesn't know their birth mother's name (aside from her surname, of course, which they share) and, frankly, they don't care to know. all they've ever known about her is that she put them up for adoption the moment they were born. they've never met her, never spoken to her, and haven't seen her since they were born; why should they want to know anything about someone who never wanted them in the first place?

ㅤthey were actually adopted quite quickly as a baby by a korean couple who were unable to have children of their own, and they were raised by these two for their first few years. however, when the couple was unexpectedly able to have a child of their own, byan fell to the backburner until the couple ultimately decided they couldn't handle two children. thus, byan ended up in a group home for children and was put into the foster care system. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthis would be the first major influence (of many) in the way byan has come to view families. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤbyan doesn't remember the names of these parents. having spent such significant developmental years with them, they only remember the two as "엄마 / mom" & "아빠 / dad" — a fact they've come to hate. it's painful, after all, to only be able to remember people who so easily abandoned you as mom & dad.

ㅤthe first family who fostered them after this, unfortunately, ended up just not being a good fit. byan was only with them for about six months.

ㅤanother couple with several other foster & adopted children took them in when they were about 4. never feeling like they got enough attention with so many siblings though, byan began to act out. eventually, they would become too much of a handful with all the other kids and would end up back in the system.

ㅤby the time they entered elementary school, byan only continued to act out. they were disruptive, caused all assortment of trouble in school and among other kids, which would have them in and out of many foster homes during this time. they were always deemed too difficult to be properly accepted into any family, and their behaviour would only continue to get worse because of it.

ㅤthe first time they ran away from a foster home, they were 8. it was their first experience in an abusive home; the father would regularly beat them for doing or wearing anything he deemed to be "for girls." byan would try everything from hiding what they were doing/wearing/etc. to fighting back. things only got worse with time and, eventually, they couldn't handle it any longer. for lack of any other option, they ran away from home. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤduring this time, they lived on the street, finding themself shelter wherever they could and relying on theft, lies, begging, and the occasional trash rummaging in order to feed themself. after spending a few nights in a homeless shelter several weeks later, they were brought to the attention of a child welfare agency and put back into a group home and, of course, back into the foster care system.

ㅤafter this experience, they would run away from many more homes, though not always because of any abuse. the reasons would vary and, while they were sometimes serious enough to warrant running away, most of the time they weren't. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthis is about the point where it really started to sink in just how unimportant and unwanted they were to the world around them. from here, byan would more or less stop trying to fit in with families who fostered them, deciding it to be pointless, as it wouldn't last.

ㅤat 14 they were kicked out of a home for the first time. byan introduced their foster brother to the world drugs, which was not something the parents were about to tolerate. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthey ended up on the street for a while again here, though they did sneak back into the family's home to collect as many of their own belongings as they could carry (as well as a couple hundred bucks from the spot they knew the parents stashed away spare cash). ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthis was not the last time byan would get into trouble with foster families over drugs, nor the last time they were removed from a home because of it. in some instances, things got violent and, in a few other cases, the families would even call the police on them.

ㅤby the time they're in their teen years, byan has a lengthy record racked up, from problems at school to problems caused with previous foster families, along with trouble with the law and less than positive psych evaluations. naturally, they've found fewer and fewer families willing to foster them over the years as the list of issues has grown and, when a family does take them in, it rarely lasts more than a couple months — often due to byan's own actions.

some other, less specific tidbits:

ㅤthere have been more than just one family who wouldn't acknowledge or accept their gender identity (and sexuality, for that matter). several of these homes were very forceful in their insistence that byan is a boy and should look and act like it. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthat said, they have also had plenty of homes that were very accepting and supportive of them and their identity.

ㅤthey have had a few foster parents who have tried to give them an english name. much as byan hates the name yeong-hwan, they still prefer it to any of the bs these parents tried to stick them with. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤsimilarly to above though, they have also had families who have tried learning to speak korean and/or learning to cook korean meals in an effort to make them feel more at home.

ㅤbyan has had several physical altercations with foster families — most of the time with foster siblings, but they've gotten violent with a few of their foster parents as well. many of these they caused themself, but several instances have merely been them responding & simply defending themself.

#ok here u go here are all the thoughts my brain decided were more important than sleeping this morning #it's important to note that not all their experiences with foster families have been terrible; they've had good people who genuinely #wanted to help them & give them a stable home #but the unlucky downward spiral from such a young age has impacted them so severely that like. when they DO find something good...#they ruin it for themself before anyone else can (because they firmly believe it's never going to end well & at least it hurts less when #they're the one who wrecks everything. 'you can't leave me if i leave first' and all that)#literally they were just so fucking unlucky right from the start & it snowballed over the years #that's what it comes down to (':#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ HEADCANON ⋮ DANGER IN THE FABRIC OF THIS THING I MADE.#abuse cw #child abuse cw #transphobia cw #homophobia cw #drug use cw #drugs cw #ask to tag if i missed anything!!

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vagueandominousvibes · 1 year

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For the ask game, orchid and chamomile?

Hi! I was hoping someone would say orchid, purely because the one I bought back in October has been blooming since New Year’s!! (It’s got three flowers!!! and one bud still to open!!!)

Orchid ⇢ What’s a song you consider to be perfect?

I’ve got to say ‘Spanish Train’ by Chris de Burgh, who’s the only artist I’ve ever seen live (a friend and I went to see him in uni, were the only 20-something-olds in a horde of 50-and-older, and we had a fantastic time). ‘Spanish Train’ is one of those songs dad and I would blast in the living room after midnight, when we were home alone, or in the car when the speakers were working, and I absolutely love the alternations between the mellow spoken parts and the parts where de Burgh just goes all out.

The answer to the second question got kind of long, so I’ve hidden it in the ‘Keep reading’.

Chamomile ⇢ What were you like when you were younger? Do you think you’ve changed a lot?

I don’t know how much I’ve talked about it here, but I’ve for a long time been fascinated by how people change. You see it in my own fanfics (Arn’s arc in Just Close Your Eyes) and in some of my favourite novels (Apollo in The Trials of Apollo by Rick Riordan). I’ve also grown up with a gestalt psychotherapist for a parent, which ... yeah. I suspect I was a bit of a lab rat growing up. At least mum used to tell me she studied psychotherapy to Help Me. (In her book, queerness and autism require Help.)

My own fascinating with change comes from, I think, putting a lot of effort into changing myself during my years in uni. For about four years, about fifty percent of my time was spent observing myself, reflecting on my behaviour, and figuring out Who I Was. What I discovered was that Baby Me (0–4) and Young Adult Me (20–25) were surprisingly similar (excited by everyday things, enjoyed crafts and baking, and loved music and aesthetic designs). Baby Me grew up on a small seaside farm above the Polar Circle, and in those four years, I realised I wanted to return to that farm — to live there, nurture it, and run writing retreats there. It’ll take a lot of work to get the finances to do so, but as long as the farm stands, I’ll return there.

But. Change.

Between Baby Me and Young Adult Me, there’s Teenage Me (5–19, technically ‘Child & Teenage Me’, but ‘Teenage Me’ for ease), and Teenage Me was not a good person. You know the idea of the Narcissistic Family? It’s the closest description I’ve found to explain the dynamics within my family. Teenage Me had an unfortunate obsession with wanting to make mum proud. As a result, I put others down in passive-aggressive ways and sought to make friends with “the right people” (as implicitly defined by mum: rich cis-het people, ideally white Christian). I was the Golden Child who achieved As and A*s in the majority of my subjects in school, I was always right, I was going to write novels, I was going to become a Professor and an artist, and I was going to have a brilliant future. (Ha. Ha ha. /s)

I’m still not sure how much of that was me and how much was mum, and I think that’s the rule for a lot of Teenage Me’s life: I had no idea where I ended and mum started, in terms of dreams, wants, and hopes. Honestly, it’s something I’m still struggling to untangle.

I like to think I’m moving away from my passive-aggressive ways, and that realising that I myself am not one of “the right people” has done wonders towards learning to value people for who they are rather than what they do and what they have. Setting boundaries is another new experience, and good gods it’s hard. Actually learning my own boundaries and being kind to myself is also really goddamn hard, and I’m still trying to figure out where the lines are between trauma bonding and info-dumping and just talking (is this info-dumping? or am I just talking? I’m answering a question and I have no idea). An unholy combination of depression and anxiety hasn’t made it any better.

That said, writing this today, I’m looking forward to the future. It’s raining outside, but I’ve had a clementine, I’m listening to ‘Champions’ by Kurt Hugo Schneider, and in a few hours I’ve got my first ballet class for beginners — something I’ve only recently worked up the courage to attend. I know I’m in my mid-twenties and that I’ve got years to grow and learn ahead of me. One day, I’ll reach a point of grounded self-assuredness. The depression and anxiety might never go away completely, and there are people I doubt will completely forgive me, but that’s part of growing and learning. It is for me to remember that every tree can be transplanted into better soil, and that there’s a sun above.

#kalh answers #cw narcissism #i'm honestly not even sure if i actually answered the question?#or if i talked in circles?#maybe it's an upward spiral and it feels like i'm in the same place where i started because i'm working through layers and it takes time #because i need to revisit thoughts and events again and again to fully process them #at least my partner thinks i'm a good person and i trust he wouldn't say that if he didn't genuinely believe so #so that's something to hold on to #thank you for the ask <3

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