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youwillleaveme · 2 months

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i cant stand it anymore i don’t want this brain i dont want this life i want to live but not like this not with those constant feelings and thoughts and self destructive behaviors and all of that i cant do it anymore i cant

#actually bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #bpd #bpd problems #bpd shit #bpd feels #tw bpd #actually borderline #cptsd vent #ptbs #complex ptsd #tw depression

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mac-and-thefox · 4 months

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Cumulus sometimes keeps her mirrors in her room covered. Sometimes she just wishes she...looked different. She's never recieved anything other than love and acceptance and even worship from Cirrus and the others, but old feelings die hard.

Before her summoning, Lus came from a clan of air ghouls that were very....prejudiced in their beliefs in what was accepted and what wasn't. In her family, air ghouls were supposed to be light, sprite-like creatures. Delicate little birds that were graceful and elegant. Her whole existence was spent receiving sideways glances from the others at her curves. Spent receiving ridicule from her mother at the choice to wear clothes that were "inappropriate" for her figure and for the image that their family was meant to uphold.

Who cares if she could sing? Who would ever want to listen to a ghoulette that looked like her? Who cares if she was kind? If she was strong? If she was an amazing, accomplished musician? Nobody would ever see past how different she looked compared to the rest of her clan....

She covers her mirrors when her memories won't let her rest. She hides the shattered glass that resulted from not being able to conceal her feelings behind the wall of caring and kindness that she hides behind in an effort to...be noticed. To reinvent who she was before in an effort to leave that life behind.

Her pack always reminds her that she is so much more than how she looks, that she is the most beautiful of them all.

But, sometimes it's hard.

#mac writes #ghoulette angst #gearing up for that DV ghoulette fic I was hinting at #cumulus ghoulette #tw body image #tw family abuse #tw bpd #angst

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pricklymuffinzzzzz · 2 months

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Jokes I don’t think are funny,

Jokes about when mixed ppl don’t look mixed

Jokes about how “borderline” or manic someone is acting

Jokes about “the voices”

When someone jokes about how they haven’t eaten all day, like okay??

When someone jokes about another persons mental illness when they haven’t gotten permission.

When someone jokes about wanting to go to a mental hospital, saying “I need the vacation” “silly people vacation” etc, treating it like it’s not severely traumatic. Stop joking about that shit.

Oh and stop fucking joking about having ptsd, it’s not fucking funny, shut the fuck up

I can’t stop anyone from making these jokes but can y’all shut the fuck up sometimes? Like unless you’ve experienced it, when you have the trauma it’s funny. But when you just say that shit for fun it’s so fucking annoying.

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spop-romanticizes-abuse · 4 months

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isn't it funny how spop fans just decided one day that catra canonically has BPD? the show doesn't explicitly say it, none of the crew confirms it either. spop fans just saw that some of catra's behaviour is similar to that of people with BPD (mainly her abandonment issues and s*icidal tendecies, i think) and decided that they're qualified to diagnose this fictional character with a very real disorder.

look, if you have BPD yourself and you relate to catra, that's totally valid. but headcanons are called headcanons for a reason. as long as the writers didn't write catra as a character with BPD, she does not have BPD. her exhibiting some similar traits does not count.

in that case, i can say that horde prime has NPD and therefore shouldn't be held accountable for his actions. but that's not how it works.

even if catra was written to have BPD, that's not an excuse for the way she treats people. you cannot use your mental state to justify abuse or any of the bazillion crimes catra has committed.

as someone who struggles with mental health (bipolar type 2) and also as a psych major, while it sucks to have the chemicals in your body control the way you feel and act, it's not an excuse to hurt others. and you can't blame people if they get mad at you or choose to walk away from you.

therapy and medication would definitely help you in this scenario but in catra's case, there's no therapist in etheria (perfuma is not a therapist, and never will be) and i also doubt that catra would be willing to go to therapy, considering how she's not even ready to admit that she's the problem.

in conclusion, catra does not have BPD. she was not written as a character who has BPD, even if she exhibits some of the symptoms. you cannot use this as an argument when people point out her toxicity. learn to differentiate a headcanon from canon.

#tw abuse #tw suicide mention #tw mental health #tw bpd #tw mental illness #spop critical #spop salt #spop criticism #spop discourse #spop #she ra #anti catra #anti catradora #anti spop #anti c//a #antic//a #anticatra #anticatradora

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gab0kcal · 4 months

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"Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self-image, relationships and mood... uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities that are self-damaging, such as casual sex, social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed." Well, that's me.

#tw bpd #bpd feels #bpd mood #transtorno borderline #transtorno de personalidade borderline #borderline personality problems #borderline personality disorder #bpd #bpd brain #bpd thoughts #girl interrupted #actually bpd #bpd vent #bpd shit #being borderline #actually borderline #borderline blog #borderline thoughts

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kiarabanetmi · 3 months

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“Poison” and how it speaks to all types of abuse

Hi there! I’m posting again. This is a small analysis/commentary on how the song Poison from Hazbin Hotel describes not just sexual and drug abuse, but other types of abuse as well. If you haven’t seen Hazbin Hotel or haven’t heard the song, I’ve put a link to the song below. Even if you don’t watch the show the song is amazing and I highly recommend it. Note: this is not the official episode music video, which is triggering to people, this is the before episode release version.

I also made another post earlier on my opinions on episode 4 of Hazbin Hotel. Give it a read!

youtube

Ok, so I’m going to cover some very specific lines and moments in the song. The majority of my analysis focuses on verse two and the the final verse.

This song at its core is about abuse. Angel Dust’s type of abuse is a combination of largely S/A along with physical and verbal Abuse by his pimp Valentino. But if you analyze these lyrics, this song speaks to all types of abuse and abuse victims and/or survivors, except for a few lines that are highly specific depending on situations. I’m going to focus on how this song can speak to domestic abuse victims, myself specifically. If you do not feel comfortable hearing about the following triggers then please scroll on and have a good day. You have been warned.

So context before I get into this: I was raised with a mentally ill parent as well as victim of my other parent’s former Fiance who also verbally and emotionally abused but the two of us. My mentally ill parent suffers from untreated unconventional borderline personality disorder, known as BPD. My other parent’s ex Fiance suffers from grandiose narcissistic personality disorder, known as NPD. I am no longer in contact with the ex Fiance and have no plans to see them ever again. However, I am still suffering from my parent with BPD, specifically over the holiday. We had a major fight because they believe my other parent is truly the abuser in their reality and by taking their side, I was starting to abuse them as well. This has caused me to (at least temporarily) cut off the unhealthy parent and live with the other one full time. And the unhealthy parent is a master at verbal, emotional and psychological manipulation.

Now getting onto the actual song:

Whenever I listen to the back half of verse 1 into the first chorus, I really relate to the lyrics through personal experience. It starts at the following line:

“I shoulda known that this would happen,

“I shoulda known it when I looked into your red-hot eyes

“Spewin’ all your red hot lies”

Now let’s go back to the lyrics and how it relates to me. As part of their BPD, this is especially true, and true for those who are involved with family/spouses/loved ones who are verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe any person who has different under an abuser will relate to this simple like. At some point we know the pattern, we know the signs for when we “fucked up” as it were. And we know at some point, consciously or unconsciously, that our abuser is lying.

“What’s the worst part of this hell?

“I can only blame myself.”

This line can be relatable depending on the type abuse you suffer from. In Angel’s case, he signed his soul away (literally) to his abuser. In a way I do that with my abuser every time I choose to go see them and enter that unhealthy environment. The problem for me personally is that BPD does have patterns but I find myself surprised and shocked by them. Know that now I am doing research to try and learn how to properly deal with family members with BPD, but that personality disorder does not excuse the abuse I suffer from t I’ll his parent. Mental illness is NOT an excuse for inflicting abuse, even if it’s as complex or rarely treated like BPD. But every time I go back into that environment I can only blame myself for entering that hell willingly again. Because despite the pain I know they will inflict upon me at some point, I still love my abuser. I imagine this is a similar mindset to what other victims of domestic abuse feel as well. We walk back to our abusers, usually choosing to because we still love our abuser and hope they’ll change and this time they’re telling the truth.

But that’s usually not the case.

“Cause I know you’re poison,

“You’re feeding me poison

“Addicted to this feeling I can’t help but swallow up your poison

“I made my choice and

“Every night I’m living like there’s no tomorrow.”

In my situation I relate to this line INCREDIBLY hard. It’s not just my unstable parent who is abusive. That side of my family has a long cycle of generational abuse that I am trying to break away from. But because I grew up in that situation, despite now knowing how bad and unhealthy it is, it’s what I’m used to. And unfortunately, I am used to or addicted to that chaos. For the past few months I have lived with my healthier parent and during that time, I have developed a non-chaotic, healthy lifestyle. Growing up everything was constantly shifting and changing based on the needs/wants of my unhealthy parent, since I was predominantly in their custody in my youth. Because of this, I grew up used to that chaos, considering it normal and fine, until I was shown another alternative by my other parent when they filed for custody and finally got rid of their own abusive fiancé. But because of the way I grew up, I became used to the chaos, and every time I go back to visit my abusive parent, I run the risk of falling under their spell. And unfortunately, more often than not, I do fall for it. And when I do fall for it, I fall into survival mode once again. This means that in a sense I’m “living like there’s no tomorrow”, like Angel. I don’t think about the consequences of anything other than escalating the situation, of making sure I make it out of there without some sort of fight or confrontation.

“I got so good at being untrue,

“I got so good at telling you what you want to hear,

“I disassociate disappear”

When I enter this survival mode, as I’m sure many other abuse victims and survivors do, I tend to lose myself for a time. I become someone else in order to be who my abuser wants me to be. In my personal case, I end up regressing to a smaller helpless child (not literally, but my body language does, as an unhealthy form of self soothing, being untrue and becoming who they want me to be: someone they control. I tell them what they want to hear, usually that they are right or that their pain is valid and nothing is their fault because they are the victim (which in my parent’s case of BPD is a reality that they ACTUALLY believe). Half the time when my abuser parent is tearing into me or trying to make me feel guilty or into he the bad guy (with depressingly frequent success rates), I tend to enter a sort of humble stage. I disassociate until it’s my turn to speak. I disappear for a while until it’s safe to come back out and say or do something. And when I do disassociate it’s awful. I lose small chunks of time. This has not happened yet outside of these instances of interaction with my abuser, thank goodness, but it is still dangerous to disassociate too often. I’m sure survivors of all types of abuse have disassociated at least once in their time with their abuser.

“So far beyond difficult to resist another gulp.”

Since I grew up so used to this behavior and pattern, it is like fighting my own nature to try to stand up and not fall for the lies. It’s so hard because I still love my abuser but because of their illness and their refusal to acknowledge it or seek real treatment this pattern is unending. It’s hard to resist swallowing down the poison they force in my face and flood me with. In my case, unlike Angel, my form of poison is in a pool, slowly raising towards my mouth, and I struggle not to get it not. And I imaging that’s what most other victims of abuse also feel like. That physical, emotional, sexual, psychological abuse is a poison that if left unchecked or stayed near to long will eventually kill us, either minor abuser’s action or our own.(Note, at the end of this post I have posted links the contact information of various services to help people in these situations, at least for those in the United States). Angel’s situation is also like that too, but he’s also drugged and forced to take poison by Valentino.

“My story’s going to end with me dead from your poison.”

This line hit me hardest out of everything in the song. During the latest fight with my parent, they tore into me overall and so brutally that for the first time in my life, I truly contemplated suicide as a better alternative. The verbal and mental poison they fed me for so long overwhelmed me and I felt myself wanting to die from it. I am not suicidal now, but it was an overwhelming feeling of pain, hopelessness, feeling trapped with no escape (at one point literally when I threatened to go drinking and they blocked the door, which is a tricky situation). If I hadn’t gotten out of then not already had the support system in place that I spend years setting up and learning to build, I may not be making this post right now. And there’s thousands of others like me who are still stuck in that pool of poison, but have already choked too much and succumbed to it. Never forget them.

“Poison, I’m sick of the poison,

“Im filling up my glass but it’s always hollow

“Full of poison, I’m sick of the poison,

“Wish I had something to live for tomorrow.”

And like Angel here, I’m sick of the poison as well, and every other abuse victim of any type can relate to this. At some point nothing helps anymore when you are stuck in the situation long enough. There’s no escape, and everything is hollow. There was a time when I was like this as well. My abuser had isolated me from nearly everyone else in my life save for my healthy parent, and it nearly broke me. But I found a reason to live for tomorrow at the time.

And I hope you can too. If you are reading this and relate to my story, or you heard this song and related to it in some way, then please know you are not alone. This song is not just a bop, it’s a real look at the kind of a severely abused victim that we don’t always see.

If you or your loved one are being by abused in some way, you are not alone. Here are some resources if you are in danger and need to call for help:

The Suicide Hotline: 988

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline:

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Parents

#hazbin hotel poison #hazbin hotel #tw s/a #tw verbal abuse #tw psychological abuse #tw domestic abuse #tw emotional abuse #discussions of abuse in detail #tw mental illness #tw mental health #tw bpd #Youtube

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raccoongirl66 · 1 month

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he is babygirl (he is a mentally ill teenager who is abusive to his sister and struggles with substance use, depression, and anxiety and probably bpd and the only idea i have of his personality stems from the lies of another incredibly mentally ill teenager)

#tw suicide #tw mental illness #tw death #tw mental health #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw bpd #tw substance abuse #tw dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen #deh #evan hansen #broadway #musical theatre #connor murphy #mike faist #depression #anxiety #mental health

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gh0stgirl-hotline · 4 months

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It’s an an insane thing to realize you are completely and utterly alone in the world

#tw bpd vent #actually bpd #tw bpd splitting #tw bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd

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youwillleaveme · 2 months

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sick of feeling bad and not being able to explain why.

like, idek where to start here

#actually bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd #bpd vent #bpd problems #bpd shit #bpd feels #tw bpd #bpd fp #actually borderline #tw depressing thoughts #tw bpd vent

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pricklymuffinzzzzz · 2 months

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Tw bpd jealousy vent

Bpd jealousy needs to be talked about more. I have a pretty severe case of it. I get jealous any time my fp gets joy from anything especially anyone who isn’t me.

I know this is “toxic” but it really is something I’m trying to work on. I guess when they get joy from other things, it kinda makes me feel replaceable?

Like the joy I bring them can just be switched out with those other things. If I was out of their life it wouldn’t impact them and they would still be able to be happy.

But if they were out of my life I wouldn’t be able to feel any sort of joy. I feel like I’m always going to be jealous unless my fp hates everyone except me. Or talks to only me.

I really wouldn’t like this though. I want my fp to have a healthy social life. It’s just something I have to learn to deal with. At the same time my whole life revolves around my fp.

I don’t talk to anyone but them, and I really don’t like talking to anyone but them. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied until I know they love me the way I love them. I just wish I felt content. I hate being jealous so much.

I really am trying to work on it though. I’ve been working on it for a long time, I just don’t think it’s getting easier though :(

I really just want my fp to be happy

Does anyone have any tips to help jealousy pain?