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louvay · 3 months

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Elliot x Finn. Rated E. You know, my magnum opus of a ship(wreck)!

"Give up, Sir." The insufferable nobleman sneers, glaring condescendingly at the petrified knight at his feet. How nice. He has long wanted to see this knight crumble—the blue-haired knight's presence irritates him, and... oh, dear gods. Green leaf like that, but trusted a lot. Leonsterians are laughable, as he concludes; because no way he's going to forget how carefree this doofus has been. Orbiting around Lachesis... his Lachesis! He has never seen the Nordion princess so alive before. He cannot forget the icy glares the blond siblings reserve for him, and seems to be only for him alone.

"I do not yield." The knight replies fervently. Elliot hates how Finn defies him even then. Not knowing his place then, and not knowing his place now.

"You will." With a grin, Lord Elliot commands his men to net the defeated knight in. Sir Finn winces as his lance is kicked off his feeble hands, angry yet understanding he cannot delay his capture. He looks away when Heirhein troops push him forward and bind his wrists. "Now I'm unstoppable. What should I do with your corpse? Thrown into the sea? Hmm?"

"Hey, this isn't explicit enough. You said the rating will be explicit to make even Ao3 blush!" a Heirhein troop yells. The author yawns. She knows she can do worse without glasses... with (worse) typos and grammatical errors.

「闭嘴。」

Heirhein troops, regrettably, cannot use the internet to Google. Their internet money is again used to buy Elliot's hair gel.

"Finish me off," Finn taunts. "If I must die, let me do so with honor."

"Why did you speak like that insufferable casserole son of a fucking mistletoe?" Elliot yells. "Is it enough that you hovered so close to Lachesis, but also so close to my mind and biceps?!"

"L-Lord Elliot?"

"Maybe you shouldn't die. Maybe you can lay some strawberries, like a chicken."

"Like a plant, milord."

"Ah! Chickens aren't vegan, are they?"

"Nay, milord."

"Plant! Oh, genius! Now we have an answer to make the internet happen... and I'll still get my hair gel!" Elliot announces. "I explicitly like this plan so bigly. Bing bing, my lovely. Very explicit. Real explicit. Ultimately explicit."

"But I thought I also explicitly told you that you're so insufferable and maidenless?" Finn frowns.

"Not anymore if you be my damsel, innit?" Elliot announces. "Yes... you can be my queen. Queen of 5G tower. Bigly."

"But what about my duty?" Finn asks.

"Your duty? But my darling audacious dweeb, you'll be rich at thirty and can retire early! Then we'll ride a gondola and invade Nordion together," Elliot says. "Oh, my... your arms must be tired. Let's not tie you up any longer."

"But I'm tied to a contract?" Finn strerches his newly-freed arms.

"Yes!" Elliot nods enthusiastically.

"Against my will?"

"But you're young. What do you need a will for?"

"Ah!" Finn gasps like a paleolithic maiden. "Now I love you."

"Perfect! Whose IP address we'll track first?" thus Elliot bridal-carries Finn into Heirhein castle, and the two live happily ever after. Legend says their superhuman offspring is named Melon Husk.

Bravo. Simply outstanding!

From the beginning of the battle against Herhein to the realization that chicken is indeed vegan to then at the end, the siring of the musk by the two knightly couple, it is safe to say that I have been moved to tears. The greeks believed that a tragedy was truly a comedy, I am therefore inclined to believe in the romans

#seal answers your quandaries #roseblade #finn x elliot #crack fic in ask

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verysium · 5 months

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This is such crack brain fart idea 😶

What if some blue lock boys ask the reader what brand her shoes (or something dumb like that) over text and reader sent them a voice message on text and it’s just:

“Hi baby, okay so the brand is—- *insert car accident noises*”

Have you seen those TikToks???

If you do this request, it can be any blue lock boys you want

HELPPP i saw something similar on hinge, and i was hunched over the side of my bed laughing for like 20 minutes. in general, i don't think pranks with any of the bllk boys would go well (unless you wanted to be punted like a football, american-style) but i'm taking a risk today, so here you go:

sae sees through your bullshit in a peloponnesian minute. he has morning practice, three interviews, and a daily nap to get to, so what makes you think he has time for you to fake a car accident? leaves you on read. (brutal, i know.)

rin is mildly concerned, but he's too smart to fall for whatever prank you have planned. he'd probably reply with a sarcastic, dry ass response or a deadpan emoji. refuses to talk to you for the rest of the day because what if you actually got into a car accident? he would lose all sanity. tbh he can't stand it when people make light of serious situations even if it's just a lighthearted joke.

kaiser is petty. he sends you an official funeral invite titled "in loving memory of y/n." he personally designed it in photoshop and even added those tacky glitter rose GIF animations on the front. coincidentally, everyone in your immediate circle also happened to receive the same mass email chain with those invites, so you had to explain to your family, friends, and co-workers that (1) you did not in fact die in a car accident and (2) your funeral is not set for the 15th. (you never played a prank on michael again.)

isagi freaks out. he's calling 911/119, whatever emergency service there is. immediately calls you and nearly breaks down in fear of losing you. when you tell him it was merely a prank, he laughs in relief but internally he's cursing you out with every colorful name in existence.

ness is isagi but even more high-strung. there is no time to call the ambulance in his mind. he's already thundering down the highway looking for the evidence of your car wreck. calls you and screams ballistically into the speaker: "WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?" so yeah....don't ever play a prank on ness. it's for your sake, not his.

shidou takes you up one notch and sends a picture of himself in the emergency room with a cast on his leg and an IV drip. this spawn of satan took your message literally and decided to copy you and got into a real car accident. so now you have to take time off work and sign the hospital discharge papers because he listed you as his sole emergency contact.

nagi doesn't give a shit. he's already chronically online, and reo's played pranks on him before. probably texts you an "ok" and then tells you he's run out of toilet paper again, so you need to stop by the store to buy some.

reo matches your energy. he replies with: oh yeah, i've heard of that brand. it's the—*insert sound of trucks colliding and screeches across asphalt* you both had a good laugh after.

ok that's all i have for now. this is going to reach a very niche demographic, but you're welcome.

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minty364 · 5 months

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DPXDC Prompt #105

Danny knew he wasn’t from this dimension. He wasn’t sure how he knew but it was something that he felt deep in his core that was true. Something’s just didn’t feel right sometimes and it also felt like the things that were happening were off or wrong somehow. His parents on his 15th birthday came out to tell him that he was adopted and that just cemented the feeling that he wasn’t from here. He goes to Ghost Writers library to look for anything that could help him and he finds a summoning request, basically you can request that someone summons you as long as you’ve got a vague idea of who it is. Danny asks to be summoned by his birth father.

Pick anyone from DC to be his dad but ima go with Batman for this example just because it’s Bruce LMAO. Batman suddenly gets a piece of paper that requests him summon the Ghost King and while everyone is terrified about what such an entity want’s especially since it’s Batman. Everyone is further confused when a teen gets summoned and looks around the room at all the superheroes in awe.

#dp x dc prompt #dp x dc #dc x dp #danny fenton #danny phantom #writing prompt #Danny is adopted #Batman is Danny’s birth parent #I feel like most of my ideas lean heavily into crack fic territory #To be fair most fics I love wind up with heavy doses of crack in them #It’s just the way I am #You can fight me outside of a Dennys parking lot later I’ve got more ideas to think about #my asks are still open btw

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dyinggirldied · 1 year

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danny fenton: superbat’s illegitimate son conspiracy

Danny, who is so bad at hiding his powers (flying, super strength, glowing beams, etc) and looks like Bruce when he was a child.

Everyone else: Danny, are you secretly Bruce and Clark’s illegitimate son?

#i dont know #a crack fic i guess #the people asking danny might be bat siblings #and young justice league #who knows bruce is batman at least #now that i think about it bruce and clark have dark hair blue eyes #danny fenton #danny phantom #bruce wayne #clark kent #superbat #batfamily #dpxdc #dp x dc

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mousy-nona · 2 months

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Chronicles of Cursed Cat Alastor

One day, the hotel woke up to see Alastor’s perpetual “on air” sign had been turned off. His room was empty, his coffee ice cold.

And in the middle of the lobby was a cat. Or what seemed to be the approximate shape and size of a cat, but with the strangest, most evil face any of them had ever seen. It grinned up at them and wagged its little stump of a tail, which made Charlie melt into a puddle of happy tears.

“Isn’t he adorable?” She squealed.

And that was that. The cat joined their weird little family – and Lucifer secretly resolved to get his daughter to an eye doctor. Stat.

—-----------------

“Charlie, are you sure about this one? There’s something weird about that cat.” Lucifer eyed the red thing warily. “It’s looking at Keekee like it wants to eat it!”

“Don’t be silly! Mr. Montgomery is probably trying to be her friend!” She frowned. “It’s so strange. Keekee’s never been this skittish around other cats before.”

A thin line of drool was falling from the edge of Mr. Montgomery’s mouth. When he noticed Lucifer watching, he sucked it back up and graced him with a freakish, utterly too human grin.

—-----------------

Lucifer’s wedding anniversary hit him like a truck. That is, he didn’t handle it very well. He got up, fully intending to make a show of his utterly fantastic mood – haha, look how great I feel! Your mother didn’t crush my heart and set it on fire with a flamethrower after all! – but found it was all too much of a bother, and sat promptly back down. He laid his head on his desk. Just a few more minutes. Then I’ll leave.

He didn’t even notice Mr. Montgomery had waltzed in until the abomination jumped up onto his desk. The cat loomed over him, his razor teeth inches from Lucifer’s nose.

“Can I help you?” He sniffled. Couldn’t a man mourn the end of his marriage in peace?

Mr. Montgomery tilted his head with a sickening crack, his neck nearly bending into a right angle as he studied Lucifer’s red eyes, the mountain of used tissues accumulating by the desk, the ring he was clutching in his hand.

Stretching leisurely (in the exact same way he learned from Keekee, Lucifer noted), Mr. Montgomery strolled over to a picture of Lilith he had on his desk – and smacked it off. He stared at him the entire time, as if daring him to do something about it.

“Are you…are you power playing me right now?”

“Meow,” Mr. Montgomery sneered.

“That’s it, you little freak! Come to Daddy!”

When Charlie got home, she found Lucifer with his six wings fully spread and the hotel half destroyed by angelic bolts, panting and wheezing as he tore a couch apart.

“Dad, what are you doing?”

He whirled around, his eyes wild as he zapped a vaguely cat-shaped shadow into oblivion. “It’s that monster! That cat! I can hear him in the walls!”

“Isn’t he behind you…?” Vaggie asked.

And he was. Mr. Montgomery was sitting on a shelf over the reception, licking his paw and yawning.

Lucifer deflated. “Ah. I guess he is.”

“Dad, isn’t today…?” Charlie trailed off, blushing a little.

“Oh! Right. Yes, it is,” Lucifer said. He’d been so busy chasing Mr. Montgomery around, he’d completely forgotten about his anniversary.

“Are you doing okay?”

He sighed and pulled her into a hug. “Yes, I’m fine. I was a little sad at first, but then I got distracted.”

“Burning down the hotel?” Vaggie asked. Mr. Montgomery meowed and started purring, looking as pleased as a cat that had gotten the cream.

—-----------------

“That cat is trying to kill me!” Lucifer roared, pointing at the wholly unrepentant Mr. Montgomery.

The accused murderer jumped onto Charlie’s lap and started kneading her lap. Everyone let out a collective awww! Charlie nearly teared up, and Angel Dust snapped a picture for his Voxstagram. Even Vaggie, the sole voice of reason, was making what the kids called heart eyes at the monster.

Lucifer nearly tore out his hair in frustration. “He’s tricking you, don’t you see? That cat has it out for me! This is the third time he’s tried to kick rat poison into my food!”

“Don’t be silly, Dad! He’s just a cat. Cats knock stuff over all the time!”

“Rat poison? Three times?”

Charlie looked around, frowning. “Who keeps putting rat poison on the shelves?”

No one fessed up. Mr. Montgomery let out a loud purr and fixed Lucifer with the most hair-raising, devilishly smug grin Lucifer had ever seen.

“Did no one see that? Seriously, did no one else see that?”

—-----------------

A few weeks passed before someone finally broached the question that was on everyone’s mind.

“Has anyone seen Alastor?” Charlie tapped her nose with her pencil, frowning a bit. “It’s strange for him to be gone this long.”

“Oh, oh! I’ve seen him!” Niffty raised her hand and waved it frantically. “He’s right over there!”

Everyone turned – but all they saw was a furry red blob warming himself near the fire.

“Niffty, doll, have you been sniffing the toilet cleaner again?” Angel Dust asked gently.

“Nooo, silly. The cat is Alastor!” Niffty chirped, clapping her little hands with delight. Mr. Montgomery – no, scratch that – Alastor blinked his left eye, then his right eye, and smiled blandly up at all of them.

“But…but…how?” Angel Dust stuttered.

She shrugged, her shoulders going all the way up to her ears. “Dunno. He’s got a few weird friends who like to play tricks on him. Isn’t it great? He showed up all fluffy and cuddly! Perfect for hugs!”

Alastor the Cat looked remotely nervous for the first time since he’d appeared.

“How do we turn him back?” Lucifer demanded. He would rather die than admit it, but he sort-of-kind-of missed the sadistic demon that made his life Hell. It was getting kind of boring without him around.

“Dunno! Ask him!”

Once again, they all turned to the cat, who opened his mouth – “Meeeeow.”

#hazbin hotel #alastor #cursed cat alastor #hazbin hotel lucifer #crack fic #not an ask #but god i love cursed cat alastor so much #radioapple #well light hints of radioapple

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incorrectbatfam · 9 months

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Help I'm writing a fic and I need ideas for a Z-list Rogue. Smth bad but gimmicky

Chalkduster, the Crime Alley nuisance who runs around pounding erasers in people's faces

Sparklewolf, the person who got stuck in their fursuit and turned to a life of crime to survive

Captain Gender Essentialism, the Republican who thinks men will grow ovaries if they use toilet paper

Stickytoes, the thief with sticky toes

Dr. Needler, a mad acupuncturist

The Arborist, a Poison Ivy copycat who plants trees in potholes

Mother Crunchy, the woman who uses her unvaccinated kids as bioweapons

Chewer, a guy who chews with his mouth open

Four-Eyes, a kid with indestructible glasses and appetite for burning anthills

The Radium Girls, an all-female gang of radium dealers

Light Yagami, a teenager who's weirdly obsessed with his notebook

Gerbil, the street racer in a giant plastic ball

Redditor, the dude whose opinion no one asked for

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boredth · 1 year

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John Wick taking V's place.

Imagine that except people will be thinking Johnny came back from the dead and has a personality disorder.

Also people would be giving him strange looks because I'd like to think that Johnny would rather kill himself than dress up like a corpo

"Hey! Look! It's Corpo Johnny!"

And the arguments Between John and Johnny lol!

"WHAT ARE THOOOSE??"

#he's punching air rn #oh the chaos #crack fic material #cyberpunk 2077 #johnny silverhand #john wick #cyberwick #animated #my art #ask

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teecupangel · 3 months

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[Desmond Miles has successfully saved a Levantine village during the Third Crusaders after waking up in the past.]

Grateful civilian: Thank you, stranger! You have saved our village from the cruelty of war. May we ask who you are so we may know the name of our savior?

[Desmond Miles believes he cannot say ‘Desmond Miles’ because that might accidentally create a ripple effect in the future.]

[Desmond Miles believes he cannot use any of the names of the ancestors who haven’t been born yet especially the Kenways because of how important they are to his history.]

[Desmond Miles has not yet processed the shock of dying a painful death and waking up in the past and his brain is blanking.]

Desmond: Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad.

[The people Desmond Miles have saved now believed their savior’s name is Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad.]

[Desmond Miles has committed identity fraud.]

[… and he will continue to commit identity fraud.]

#we interrupt teecup’s attempts to replying to all the pending replies + asks #to post this half-crack(?) idea #brought by joongdok identity fraud love language #im sorry guess ive been taken in by orv #one day i might even get an actual orv x ac idea #for now…#assassin's creed #desmond miles #teecup writes/has a plot #fic idea: assassin's creed #altaïr ibn la'ahad

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jongseongsnudes · 4 months

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Dropping by to tell you how much I adored your Ni-ki's badboy trope fic. It is my favourite one to read of all time and I will definitely be coming back to read it. Just kind of sad that it's all over, manifesting 🙏🙏🙏 you write a similar one for him in the future 🙏🙏🙏🥹 Do you think you could write drabbles of somesort for it? i.e. The team begging Yn to get Ni-ki to do something for them cause he won't if they asked? That would be so cute but please ignore if you don't want to write it. Thank you for your hard work Cass 🙏🤍

awww thank youuuu 😭💖💖 i loved writing this trope for niki, i feel it fits him so well so our tsundere, badboy will be back in the future!

ill write a little something 😊💖 if anyone else has drabble ideas, send themmmmm

“why me?”

“who else but you mrs team captain!” taki shouts at you desperately, his hands pressed together in a praying motion, “it’s a saturdayyyyy! please help us, he will only listen to you and you know that!”

you both look over to the team captain who is standing by the sidelines, arms crossed, and already watching like a hawk over his team.

it was indeed a saturday and instead of going to the movies like you had wanted to do, niki organised a team practice, saying everyone needed to get back in shape for the upcoming season. the boy really worked hard when it came to football, you as his girlfriend knew that but come on... it was 8am on a saturday. no one wants to be here at the school oval.

“half the boys have dates today! i was gonna take eunji out,” taki nudges you a little, “don’t you want to go on a date today? it’s such a nice day... getting dressed up... holding hands with your boy... hugging... kissing...”

“say no more.”

and you were off on your way, a girl on a mission. niki may be tough but you knew exactly how to crack him.

“hi nishimura,” you say nonchalantly, your eyes on your phone like you were texting someone, “how long did you say practice was again?”

“well we can’t start practice if these little kids are just standing around wasting time!” he shouts a little louder for the rest of the team to hear before turning his gaze onto you, “why?”

“oh it’s nothing. you know how i wanted to go watch that new comedy today? well since you’re so busy, i’ll just go...” you smile sweetly, as if you didn’t have an ulterior motive, “with jj who also wanted to see it! anyway have fun practising! call me when you’re done.”

you had only turned to walk away when you felt a hand at your waist, pulling your body back into another. it’s obvious who it was so you had to fight back the urge to smile.

“so that’s who you’ve been texting the whole time? jj?” niki's tone is an octave lower as he mentions that name but it’s the deep chuckle that follows that tells you he’s unpleased.

“yeah! i’m gonna go home and change into that new dress i got, remember the one you picked?”

oh you were being so mean but you weren’t going to stop now, not when he looked like he was about to explode of anger.

“are you serious?”

“hm. if i didn’t know any better, i’d say this sounds like jealousy, niki.”

and you’ve hit the spot, calling him out on his jealousy that he always, always denied. even though everyone and their mothers knew how jealous niki could really get sometimes.

“hell yeah i am!” he suddenly shouts, gaining the attention of the team and definitely surprising you with the confession, “i bought that dress for you and you want to wear that out without me? of course i am jealous!”

“then come with me nishimura,” you finally break character, chuckling at how adorable he looked while throwing a tantrum. you reach up to pinch his cheeks, making the boy’s expression go softer instantly, “come on niki, it’s a saturday, let your poor team go have fun. don’t you want to go on a date with me?”

he thinks for a moment before leaning down to kiss you, his lips now curving into a smirk as he does. oh your poor heart. niki with a smirk? its a view you’ve always, always been weak for.

“you’re so cute thinking i fell for that miss class president, i heard you talking to taki,” the boy says with his usual smug grin and pinches your cheeks, “but since you put in so much effort to act, fine lets go on a date. you seem so desperate to have me to yourself anyway.”

“wh- what! i do not! whatever! you practice then, i don’t care!”

you try to push him away but the tall boy only hugs you harder. he’s now in a laughing fit while you turn to the field to get help from his team... but no one is there... the guys having ran off the moment they heard their team captain’s words.

but hey... at least you get to go on your date.

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idk-bruh-20 · 10 months

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Irondad fic ideas #144

Peter Parker sounds just like Spider-Man. This is something that the students of Midtown find hilarious

Soon, Peter's getting comments in the halls like, "Hey are you that kid who sounds like Spider-Man?" "Uhhh I mean -" "Holy shit it's truuue" and, "Hey Parker, say, 'Hiya Mister Criminal'' "(sigh) Hiya Mister criminal-"

It becomes a daily bit on the school news: they put Peter in the cheapest, most ridiculous Spider-Man mask imaginable and get him to say wild stuff, whatever Midtown students can think of. Like that bit at the end of Honest Trailers.

(Peter may or may not go slightly viral saying some Stuff about the Rogue Avengers in his "Spider-Man voice." Tony may or may not nearly piss himself laughing about it when he finds out.

Spider-Man himself has yet to comment.)

#this may be crack but it's 100% realistic #don't tell me if you had a classmate whose voice sounded EXACTLY like a celebrity you wouldn't get them to say wild shit #'marcus sounds just like obama' 'omg marcus say: can we cancel homework for ever yes we can'#irondad fic ideas #irondad and spiderson #iron dad and spider son #also how long does this miscommunication last #I mean the longer the funnier obviously #does mj ensure that she is strategically placed to witness her peers when the identity reveal happens & inevitable meltdown occurs #if your answer isn't yes actually yes it is #peter parker #tony stark #spider-man #midtown students #academic decathlon #queueueueue #weekly reminder that I love you all but am too busy to be human :)#fic ideas still postponed but you can send asks if you want I just won't see them for a while #see announcements

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sky-kiss · 7 months

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Prompt: tav immediately going to openly snoop around raphael's sharess caress room after theyre done talking while raphael is like. Are You Serious. I'm Right Here I Can See You.

He’s baffled.

It’s the reason he doesn’t immediately stop them. His wayward adventurer has the gall to deny him, to ask for an opportunity to weigh his offer, and then proceeds to brush past him into his bedroom.

Their three companions idle in front of him, glancing between themselves. At least they are equally puzzled.

“Darling, what are you…” Astarion starts. The sentence drifts off, confused and exhausted. He meets the cambion’s eyes and shrugs, a ‘what can you do?’ gesture if ever he’s seen one.

They've paused beside the bedside table, shuffling through his notes. And again, it’s so surreal that…well, the spawn is correct, what can you do? He’s a devil, a prince, this doesn’t happen.

Tav snorts and moves on to his armoire. “Raphael owns a shocking amount of leather.”

“Raphael is right here, darling.” He rounds the corner, blinking at her. “Mouse, be honest did you forget?”

They’re in the process of shoving one of the said outfits into their pack. Which is audacious, he’ll grant them, but…

They blink at him. “No…no. I didn’t…”

“And that?” He indicates the pages sticking out of their pocket.

“...notes. My notes. They’re mine.”

“Mm. What’s on them?”

“Notes.”

“About?” Tav blinks at him. Raphael purses his lips. “My pet, again, I must ask: are you robbing the devil?”

“No. I’m…borrowing. From…a friend.”

Gods above, he’s pinned his hopes on an idiot. The cambion pinches the bridge of his nose. “Be gone, you insolent little beast. Before I change my mind.”

#bg3 raphael #asks #my fic #crack

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blindmagdalena · 8 months

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Too much owie angst

Here's a silly one: how does homie react when his s/o says they don't really like milk at all?

"You don't have any milk?" "I told you I have soy milk."

Homelander closes the fridge, shooting you an incredulous look. "Juice. You have soy juice. Why don't you have milk?"

You can't help but laugh a little, bewildered by the intensity in his voice. "Because I don't drink it?"

"You're not lactose intolerant," he says, eyes narrowing with all the scrutiny of a detective.

"I didn't say I can't drink it, I said I don't. I don't know, I just think it's kind of gross," you say with a shrug.

"It's not gross," he shoots back, visibly affronted. "Everyone drinks milk. It's America's favorite beverage."

Something in the way he says that reminds you of a television ad.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were Homelander, not Captain American Dairy Industry," you laugh, but he looks wholly unimpressed, and is actually starting to border on outright sulking.

He's never liked being teased.

You lift your hands placatingly. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry I said that it's gross. While I think it's weird that you refer to milk as 'America's favorite beverage,' I'm going to look passed that, and next time I'm at the store, I will get milk just for you," you say, taking his face into your hands and pulling his pouty lips down into a quick kiss.

When you draw back, he's got a charmed little smile. Apparently not even your abhorrent milk opinions can sour the gift of a tender kiss.

"Thank you," he says quietly, stroking your cheek with a gloved thumb. "...It is, you know. Statistically speaking."

"It is what?"

"America's favorite beverage, aside from water."

You roll your eyes, smiling. What a nerd.

But he's your nerd.

#thete your ANGST has been defeated!!!!#LMAO thank you for the brevity anon #homelander x you #homelander x reader #ask and you shall receive #darling anon #crack fic #my writing #fluff

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crowned-aeris · 3 months

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A Reverse-Robin Wingfic / To Brace Upon Benign Feathers

It starts kinda crack-ish, but then gets kinda emotional-y towards the end ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

===

"TIM!"

He jerked awake, blinking at the ceiling in confusion as his brain slowly registered where he was.

"Tim!" the voice came again, followed by a body slamming into his chest.

"Oomf!" Tim grunted as the air was violently knocked out of his chest. With a tight expression, he reached up and carded a hand through his brother's hair, "Morning, Dick."

"Hi!" the newest addition to the family chirped brightly, his sapphire eyes glowing as bright as a 200,000 lumens flashlight. Brighter than the sun, even. The blue reminds him of Kon and the alien's blue eyes that looked like a wolf-rayet star.

"What time is it?" Tim mumbled, wincing as the five-year-old crawled over him, digging his knee into Tim's kidney and accidentally stepping on his wing.

"It's time for you to get your a- butt in gear and move," Jason called from the door. “Damian’s making breakfast, so Duke asked us to come and wake you.”

Tim groaned, dropping his head back until it banged loudly against the headboard. Maybe if he hit his head hard enough, he could go back to sleep.

Dick cheered when he spotted Jason, the Ficher's Lovebird's bright red-yellow-green wings flaring out as he launched himself at the teen.

Jason grunted as Dick slammed into him but managed to keep his grip steady.

"Hurry up and get ready," Jason said. The cardinal shifted, folding his bright crimson wings against his back as Dick tucked his face into Jason's neck, "B said he's gonna take up to the zoo."

"Zoo! I wanna go to the zoo!" Dick's head shot up as he clutched Jason's shirt.

"I know, Dickie," Jason rolled his eyes fondly, "that's why we're going."

"Okay!" the fledgling chirped, "Tim!"

"Yes?" He lifted his head from the pillow with a slow and tired blink. What he'd give to have Kon here right now.

"Get! Up!" Dick demanded. Jason, the traitor, just laughed. "Or else I'll tell Dami to come get you!"

The falcon hummed, waiting until his brothers disappeared from the doorframe before flipping over and shoving his face back into the pillow.

Everything ached, his back especially, and it wasn't because of Kon, okay, Jason? Tim had been fighting Killer Croc last night, and that bastard got lucky and slammed Tim against a brick wall. His right arm was a huge-ass bruise, and he was not excited to get up.

Maybe if he pretended to be dead, Damian would leave him be...

Who is he kidding? If the harpy eagle was willing to drag a pit-crazed Tim from the brink of suicide, then he was more than willing to dunk Tim in the pits.

Just as he was about to doze off, there was a knock on the doorframe.

"What?" Tim -whined- groaned, not bothering to lift his head from the pillow.

"Hey, Ducky," an amused voice called.

He pouted, turning his head to glare balefully at Duke. The mourning dove smiles, lifting a brow in amusement. Traitor.

"Leave me alone, Duke," Tim grumbled, thankful that Alfred had all the pillows and sheets in Tim's room reinforced since the last time he had a Pit-episode... It had been a whole thing...

Duke raised another eyebrow, mimicking Alfred's patented Disappointed Stare™ quite successfully. Tim doesn't doubt that, at this point, Duke could get even Damian to bend to his will.

And just like Alfred's own stares, Tim, frustratingly, folded under pressure.

For fuck's sake- he was supposed to Wraith, the dead spirit of the Bat's second Shadow revived and out to hunt ne'er do wells as well as the Bats themselves- his goddamn reputation!

"What reputation, Tim?" Duke laughed before strolling over and yanking the covers off of him.

God, Tim hates it when he says things out loud. A side effect of being locked away by Ra's in an attempt to break his spirit or whatever.

He grumbled as Duke hauled him up and out of bed. Annoyingly, the Lazarus pits healed his shitty eyes, that one scar he got from following Shadow around, and the gash in his throat, but not his fucking height. Instead, Tim has to be stuck in this measly five-foot-seven-inch body, while Duke, Bruce, and Damian all got to be fucking six-foot-plus behemoths.

A shake snapped Tim out of his misery.

"Did you even hear what I said?" Duke asked incredulously.

"No," Tim huffed, "I was distracted and decided not to listen to your stupid voice saying stupid stuff."

"Says that one in air jail," Duke replied smugly. Shit, he's right. That fucker. "Tim, I can practically hear you cussing me out. Keep doing this, and I'll have Bruce and Damian hide your coffees and Red Bulls."

"W-"

"And your monsters."

Tim gasped, "You wouldn't dare."

"Try me. Now go get ready. We leave in an hour, and you don't even have a shirt on, Tim."

"It's a fashion choice," he hissed, "you wouldn't understand because you're stupid!"

Duke sighed, plopping Tim onto the floor. He wasn't even surprised when the falcon went boneless, turning into a limp pile of loose limbs and angry hissing, "You're such a child, Ducky."

"This is because I'm gay, isn't it!" Tim demanded, snapping to his feet and flaring out his wings, "This is homophobia!"

"Of course, it is," Duke drily responded before he turned and made for the door, "I'll send Damian up in ten minutes. If you haven't gotten ready by then, I'm allowing him to dress you however he likes."

Duke closed the door gently, but he might as well have slammed it from how ruffled it left him.

Honestly, the gall! How has he, Wraith, Ra's desired heir to the fucking Damon's Fang, fallen so far from his formidable glory?

Nevertheless, Tim forced himself to get ready. He brushed his teeth and washed his face- even "Serial Killers" need clear skin, but was killing fifteen of Black Mask's and the Joker's most trusted really considered killing? Bruce was just overreacting!- and then threw on a short-sleeved shirt, hoodie over that, washed-out ripped jeans, and called it a day.

Tim groaned, desperately craving coffee, caffeine, or something to stave off the complete and utter exhaustion pooling in his head. This was terrible, horrible, and a vile thing to do.

"Timothy," Damian said from where he stood at the table, a plate held in the eagle's hands. He was wearing a bright pink apron covered with flour, and Jason was behind him, wearing a matching pink apron and holding a plate, too. "You finally decided to show your face and detach yourself from that hovel."

"If you want, I could always go back to my so-called Hovel," Tim tilted his head in a challenge.

"Tt," Damian scoffed before sliding a plate to Tim's spot, "Seeing as you have already decided to show your face, and Richard somehow tolerates you, it would be more efficient if you remain here."

Dick was already seated with a glass of strawberry milk, and his pancakes were half-finished and absolutely drowning in maple syrup. Bruce was directly across from Dick, and his pancakes were far more respectable with butter, syrup, bacon, and a cup of coffee. Duke was beside Dick, and he had a plate with fresh fruit, powdered sugar, and a glass of orange juice. Alfred sat at the head of the table with his English breakfast, tea, and a proud smile. Cass was next to Bruce with a bowl of fruit, orange juice, toast, and multiple slices of stolen bacon.

Hesitantly, Tim sat down at the end of the table as Jason rushed over to fill the empty chair between Tim and Duke. Damian, the bull-headed son of a bitch -that bitch being Bruce, because Tim would never call Talia a bitch- decided the best seat wasn't going to be next to Cass, but instead the seat directly in front of Tim. Not in front of Jason, but in front of Tim.

Instead of confronting his feelings like a well-adjusted member of society should, Tim decided the best course of action was to examine his plate of pancakes.

It had fudge drizzled over the top, dusted lightly with powdered sugar, and freshly diced strawberries were placed like a crown with their leaves carefully removed and tossed in a barely noticeable syrup. There was a small bowl of strawberry-lemon zest jam on the edge of Tim's plate, and he could tell that whoever positioned it was diligent. Not a single speck of powdered sugar got onto the outside of the tiny bowl...

Every part of this plate looked like it had been prepared in a five-star restaurant. What more was that this was exactly the same kind of pancakes Damian would make for him as an apology back when Tim was Shadow...

Suddenly, his eyes were beginning to sting, and Tim could feel Damian's stare carve holes into the top of his head. And then, Damian slid over a cup of steaming coffee, and just by looking at it, he knew Damian had made it the way Tim loved.

It was a declaration, an apology, and a promise all wrapped in a simple breakfast…

He took a deep breath and cut into his pancakes, forcing himself to hold back tears as his family chattered around him.

Even after everything that has happened, his flock still accepted him.

Even after everything, Tim was still loved.

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mousy-nona · 2 months

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Headcanon that someone asks Alastor for his body count and this confused man replies with some insane number because he thinks they're talking *literal bodies* and doesn't know why everyone is so shocked

“Three.”

“Three?” Angel Dust gaped, looking like he might pass out and die for the second time from sheer shock. Charlie buried her face in her hands, but she couldn’t hide the blush that spread to the very tips of her ears. Vaggie rubbed her back.

“It’s not that bad,” she soothed.

“Speak for yourself, Feathers,” Angel Dust spluttered. “Haven’t you been alive, like, hundreds of years? What the hell have you been doing with your life?”

“Helping people, obviously,” Vaggie snapped. “Maybe you should try it sometime.”

“Hey!” So fast almost no one caught it, he cast a nervous glance at Husk. “If you’re so much better than us mere mortals, why don’t you share your body count with the class?”

Vaggie raised her chin, her eyes flashing. “Two.”

Angel Dust choked, wobbled, and flopped dramatically back onto the couch, fanning himself like an overwrought Southern belle. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two were running a convent here!”

“It’s your turn to share, numbnuts,” Vaggie sighed, rolling her eyes.

“‘Fraid I can’t count that high, doll,” he grinned. “Lost track a couple years ago. Husk, your turn!” He sounded far too casual, as if he was very eager to hear the answer and was trying to pretend to figure out what the regular amount of eager would be.

Husk grumbled and set his glass down on the counter. “Fifty?” He shrugged. “Sixty? Somewhere around there.”

“Finally! A decent number. See, ladies, it’s not that hard once you put your mind to it,” Angel Dust sighed. “Niffty, you go.”

The tiny reincarnation of chaos giggled, practically vibrating as she licked the tip of the knife in her hand. “Bugs?”

“No, Niff. Your body count.”

She scratched her head, looking adorably confused. “Silly spider! Bad boys can be bugs too.”

“What–? Actually, you know what, nevermind. It was my fault for asking you in the first place. Okay, who’s left…” He brightened when he spotted Lucifer lounging by the fireplace. “Aha! The Big Daddy himself has gotta have some interesting answers.”

Lucifer chuckled, his chest swelling with pride. “Well, I might have slowed down in my old age, but before Lilith and I started our little family I was quite a killer with the ladies.” He thought for a bit, tapping his chin as he counted. Carry the one, times three… He finally gave up. “Maybe two hundred?”

“A-ha! Is that it?” Alastor grinned. “And you call yourself the king of hell?”

Everyone gaped. Alastor had almost thrown someone out of the top floor window for accidentally brushing up against his hand. He’d once burned a coat after Lucifer had grabbed it. He only willingly touched others to A) show dominance or B) play mind games (this option he reserved almost exclusively for Lucifer).

In short, he was the absolute last person anyone had expected to participate in this game.

Angel Dust looked like someone had just told him Christmas had come early. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the strawberry pimp himself! Don’t keep us in suspense. What’s your body count?”

Alastor thought for a second. “Four thousand and five-six.”

Six jaws simultaneously dropped to the ground. Lucifer felt the insane urge to fly into his circus dimension and scream until his lungs gave out. A strange green beast clawed at his stomach, and he pressed his hand against it, trying to tame it before he did something truly stupid.

“Four…thousand?” Angel Dust stuttered. “But…you’ve only been alive for a hundred years?”

He shrugged. “I’ve been busy, I suppose.”

That was the last straw. Lucifer stormed out of the room. He didn’t think he’d be able to control himself if he stayed. So Alastor’s fine with just anyone? What the Hell am I then, chopped liver? He stopped in the main hall, taking deep breaths in through his nose, then out through his mouth, just like Charlie had taught them during her “How to: Anger Management” seminar.

“What’s all the fuss about?”

A familiar static ripped through the air. Lucifer scowled.

“I don’t really want to talk to you right now.”

“How interesting! I don’t want to talk to you ever, but unfortunately it’s out of both of our hands.” Alastor pretended to inspect his nails. Lucifer knew he was pretending, because he couldn’t see them through his gloves. “Charlie threw me out and told me not to return until I’d checked in on you.”

Charlie did? Lucifer shivered, pointedly trying not to think about what that meant, and what she might know about his Super Secret, Definitely Not Pathetic crush. “Great. You’ve checked in on me. You can go now.”

Alastor cocked his head, peering at him curiously. “I must say, I’m rather surprised by your reaction to my confession. Is it really so surprising? I’ve never made a secret of my favorite pastimes.”

Lucifer gaped. “This is literally the first time I’ve heard you talk about this.”

Alastor frowned. Lucifer frowned. They both frowned at each other.

“Have you gone senile? I ate a man in front of you yesterday,” Alastor asked, looking at Lucifer as if he’d lost his mind.

“What does eating a man have anything to do with it?” Lucifer asked, the same expression mirrored on his face. “You just said your body count was –”

Realization hit him like a freight train. Alastor had been born during the turn of the century. He’d struggled with modern day slang before, like vibes and cap and bet – and body count, it seemed.

“Are you…are you talking about how many people you’ve killed?” Lucifer gasped, barely managing to get the words out in between laughs.

“Yes?” Alastor wrinkled his nose. “Why is that so funny?”

Lucifer thought his sides might tear from how hard he was laughing. “Nothing,” he wheezed. “Nothing at all.”

Then he immediately started scheming ways to get Alastor's actual body count.

#hazbin hotel #radioapple #duckiedeer #alastor #hazbin hotel lucifer #alastor x lucifer #hazbin hotel alastor #asks #prompts #crack fic

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oh-allie · 4 days

Text

shakespeare and swooning

alhaitham x g/n reader

synopsis; you read one shakespeare play and now you want to impress your "buddy" alhaitham with your newfound knowledge !! what could go wrong?

fluff, g/n reader, TOTAL CRACKFIC, OOC alhaitham, SWEARING, kind of a modern au ???? i mention "ringing tighnari" but that could just be imagined as using the akasha terminal !!!! didnt write this with a modern au in mind

warning ‼️ PLEASE dont expect this to be accurate, if youre a big classic literature fan then dont attack me for not being a NERD ☹️ just imagine a poser using their fancy words (because they think its cool)

you know how libraries are supposed to be a place of study and tranquility? no the fuck you don't, or at least you don't care, because running through the house of daena with shakespeares, "romeo and juliet," in your hands is NOT very tranquil.

multiple poor akademiya students look at you, PISSED OFF because your shoes are going clu-clonk on the marble floors, which wouldn't be an issue if you weren't scurrying through the library.

is that kaveh ?? he's giving you the same look he gives alhaitham every day ..

... but this is IMPORTANT !! you're on a MISSION right now !! you just finished reading the first act of "romeo and juliet," and you're convinced your brain has expanded tenfold in size.

you're now rushing to your good pal haitham to share your knowledge! how kind and gracious!

you're stopped before his house, you've known him for long enough and gotten close enough for him to let you come in whenever. you know kaveh isn't home, and haitham would never purposefully work overtime, so you're certain you can get his attention and show off in peace.

why are you so adamant about showing off to alhaitham? is it REALLY showing off, or are you trying to, heehee, impress him?? its too late to be flustered at this thought because you already unlocked the door with the spare key kaveh leaves behind one of haithams ugly ass decorative plants and you've taken off your shoes and oh god hes right there and the sunlight from the door is lighting up his face in that way that only happens to him and hes looking at you with a suprised, slightly annoyed, but incredibly fond look and oh no what was your plan again?

"greetings, alhaitham! ☝️🤓" you say, finding a surge of confidence remembering the story you read.

"... hey. what are you doing here?" his response is quick but before you respond he continues, "did you just say greetings?"

"indubidibdibdly! hath you be surprised?" you pretentious hipster. you think youre SO cool, but unfortunately your little crush doesn't seem very impressed either.

"okay, what are you doing? you're being weird." he's not even looking at you, and he's back in his chair before you can rush over and sit on the couch. "is something wrong? should i get tighnari to give you a checkup?"

you'd be touched by the care of the suggestion if he wasn't so cheeky in his tone.

"wha, what, no?! no what the hell- stop ringing tighnari."

"are thou o'er wrought with admiration?" you grin, somehow still under the impression that you sound cool.

he gives an eyebrow raise to that. not bothering to mark his place in his book, he stands up.

"i lie testy in why you act so unpregnant, my dear."

"what"

HUH ? what did bro just say ? testy ???? unpregnant ?? MY DEAR ??? backtrack again, UN-WHAT ??

"be still my beating heart, thou hast taken mine with absolute cunning." is he making fun of you i genuinely can't tell ... its like hes speaking in moon runes right now.

"haitham, heheh, WHAT are you DOING ??" you can't help but laugh at his funny little words, magic man. even if you're clueless to what he just said to you.

"whatever doth thou mean?" he's totally making fun of you !! after ALL your effort to impress him too?

"well, usually i do all the ranting and you sit pretty and listen, so it's weird that you're talking so much, especially like THAT?" fym sit pretty ....

"when words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain." that sounds familiar, but you can't think about it longer before he continues, "shall i compare thee to a summers day?"

"ALRIGHT, i recognize that one, dummy." you laugh, "were you really not impressed by me?" you whisper, the rush of embarrassment you shouldve felt in that library is finally catching up with you.

he stares at you for a second. you just wish you could find out what hes thinking up there, if you could even understand it.

and then he lets you into his mind, with a simple "i love you." as if alhaitham, renowned scribe of the akademiya, top student, couldn't find the words to describe how he felt for you.

or maybe that was what he felt for you. he loved you.

"... you called me unpregnant."

a/n; i read romeo and juliet like... 3 years ago.... so.. uam... 😇😇 totally accurate! hope this crackfic style of writing isnt too niche so this doesnt flop because EMBARRASSING....... do people even like al haitham anymore like guys lets go back to the good old days before the FRENCH came in..... (this is just me projecting cause i havent played genshin in a while and i still lovelove sumeru)

#al haitam x reader #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham #genshin x gender neutral reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #DONT LET THIS FLOP GANG IM PUTTING A LOT ON THE LINE POSTING GENSHIN FICS #shakespeare made up the word unpregnant #GUYS PLZPLZOLZ LIKE AND REBLOG SO I CAN SAY it popped off!!#WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHY I POSTED A GENSHIN FIC....#genshin x you #genshin impact x you #al haitham #al haitham x you #alhaitham x you #alhaitham x y/n #al haitham x y/n #alhaitham x gender neutral reader #al haitham x gender neutral reader #was listening 2 when will my life begin when writing 😇#alhiayham is my fancast for rapunzel !!!!#i started writing this in november of 2023 😇#allies fics #crackfic #crack fic #wait guys hear me out #crackship layla x alhaitham #IS LAYLA A MINOR WAIT #if she isnt then WOOOOWWWW CUTIE..!!!!#its cute

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irishmammonagenda · 2 months

Note

PLEASE MORE MICHAEL CONTENT I AM ON MY KNEES BEGGING U CRYING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLESASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEA

-yk who 😞

i do know who😈😈‼️‼️‼️

i love writing michael sm heehee anyway thanks for the ask pooks 🫶🫶🫶

grma <3

Unsane Uncles-An Obey Me x Reader

Summary: Michael realises some shocking news, has a crisis, as per usual, chaos ensues. Word Count: 1.5k Warnings: nothing I don't think, for anyone that doesnt know, i headcannon michael as lucifers twin, this was written with my 'Death is a Debatable Thing' Au in mind, but it can be read as a stand alone <3

post dividers by @saradika-graphics

The café was quaint, quiet and out of the way. It had been ages since you'd last visited the Human Realm. The soft sounds of chatter and cutlery clinking created a calm atmosphere. Well calm for the most part.

Michael sat on the chair opposite to yours looking quite frazzled. His white button down rolled up to just above the elbows and a few of the topmost buttons undone. His long golden curls done up in a messy plait, nonconforming strands coiling around his unusually antsy face. Long dexterous fingers wrap around his coffee mug, he brings it to his lips and takes a sip before setting it down with a little too much force. You watch the scene amusedly.

“I just- I don’t know what to do!” he runs a hand through his hair, looking up at you with stressed, ruby red eyes. "I mean?- Is it too late to give my congratulations?!...Or a push present?!"

You bite your tongue to keep from laughing, the Archangel notices. "This is serious MC! I am the worst uncle ever!"

You tilt your head, "Did you not think it was strange when the brothers first fell that Satan just kind of poofed into existence?"

Michael gives a thoughtful look, before making a 'meh' face and shrugging his shoulders. "I kind of just thought Satan was a low ranking angel that fell with the actual memorable ones, and that I had just... never cared to learn his name before he fell."

"You didn't ask?" You take a sip of your warm drink, revelling in how satisfying the hot liquid felt when it hit the back of your throat and warmed you up from the inside, especially as it was fucking baltic outside.

"Yes." Michael smiles sarcastically, "Because taking a trip down to the Devildom straight after the Celestial War to ask about the demon who kept biting people and snarling would've gone great for me."

"Touché." You grin. Michael's expression falls back from sarcastic to strained, his gorgeous features bathed in stress.

"But seriously MC! I've missed out on centuries as an uncle! That's so many birthdays! Luke must think I'm a deadbeat! I already act like I'm a divorced dad with visitation rights because I can't visit very often!"

You snort. "I don't think Luke knows."

Michael sinks into his seat, "Oh thank Father."

He stays there for a moment, the soft golden glow of the café lights on his dark skin so similar to the aureate ambiance of the Celestial Realm that you almost forget that you're back in the human world. He flutters his eyes closed, a hand over his brow in what can only be described as a himbo-ified imitation of a sickly Victorian woman saying something along the lines of 'Woe is I!" after finding out poor people actually have feelings. What a fucking drama king. You hold back a snort. Michael groans before swinging back up like a jack-in-the-box, his usual cheerful yet cheeky smile on his handsome face, he joins his hands together as he rests his arms on the wooden table, as if completely oblivious to the complete 180 he had turned. "So! MC, have I ever told you about the time Lucifer ran into a glass door in the Celestial Realm?"

You shake your head, grinning mischieviously, "I don't think you have!"

Hours Later, down in the Devildom, in RAD's royal library, Satan sneezed. He paused for a moment more before folding his handkerchief up and putting it back in his pocket, making a mental note to wash it when he got back to the House of Lamentation.

He groans, arching his back and stretching his arms out in an attempt to weave out any knots in his muscles. He'd been in the library since school had ended. Still unable to shake the feeling something was going to happen, Satan got up off of his chair, packed his books away, and made the journey home.

Walking alone through the cobbled streets of the Realm was calming and peaceful. Halfway through his siúl suaimneach, he comes face to face with a gathering of the stray cats he'd normally feed.

The Avatar of Wrath coos at them, hunkering down and reaching into his bag for some of the cat treats he'd normally kept in there. "Aww..." He mutters, speaking in a baby voice to the cats, scratching an old tabby's fur. "You've gotten so big, Purrsephone!" He scritches underneath the young cats chin, smiling as she purrs and remembering fondly when the cat was just a small kitten trailing behind her mother like a second, small adorable shadow.

As he pulls out the bag of treats onehanded, the symphony of meowing reaches a polyphonic crescendo, cats and kittens of all shapes, colours and sizes scramble towards Satan with more purpose now, all meowing for food. He chuckles, indulging the felines, petting them as they nibble and chew on the kitty treats.

Unbeknownst to the Avatar of Wrath, a good quarter of a mile away from where he congregated with the cats, a certain Archangel and his accomplice stood hiding in an alleyway.

In the shadows of the alleyway, Michael was clumsily putting on his batman mask. He already had a matching batman suit and cape on, you however were much more serious, and were dressed up as Robin.

"Michael." You hiss exasperatedly. "You seriously can't think that sneaking up on the Avatar of Wrath is a good idea!"

Michael merely waved you off with one hand, his other carrying his 'surprise for his most favouritest nephew in the three realms' as he'd deemed it. "Besides MC is worst comes to worst, you can just pop out!"

You nod. "Good point. "You face breaks into a grin matching Michael's, "This is going to be fun to watch."

Michael goes to say something before you both hear footsteps, your eyes widen. "Oh shit...he's coming..."

Quickly you dart behind the dumpsters, Michael moves to the wall of the alleyway. Holding his breath as he listens to the footsteps of a certain green-eyed demon.

After having petted the cats, Satan got up and begrudgingly left them in order to continue his journey home.

Lost in his thoughts, he can't help but feel as if something is watching him, thinking its just his imagination, he walks on. Who would be stupid enough to sneak up on the Avatar of Wrath?

An idiot in a batman costume apparently.

Satan jumped as the lunatic hopped out from the alleyway, hands behind his back.

"Psst! Kid!" The stranger in the batman costume says, ruby red eyes that reminded him of Lucifer staring at him. "I have a surprise for you!"

Satan's tail whips around his legs, on the defensive. "I'm not a kid." He says coldly. "And what surprise?"

"Heeheehee." The strange man giggles, before taking his hands away from where they were behind his back and revealling a small tiny little kitten, fur as dark as night, with an emerald green bow wrapped loosely around its little neck, having been jostled, the tiny creature meows in protest, big green eyes blinking sleepily. Satan's harsh, mistrusting glare softens as he looks at the kitten, moving to take it out of the strangers hands before his eyes narrow.

"What's the catch?"

"The catch?" 'Batman' says indignantly, as if Satan had gravely offended him. "The catch? How dare you! There is no catch! Can't an uncle give his nephew a present to make up for millennia upon millennia of missed birthdays?!"

Satan blinks. "It's March. It's nowhere near my birthday. And Uncle?" Green eyes narrow again. "I don't have any uncles."

The stranger sticks his tongue out. "Blah blah blah. You are just like your father. Take the fucking cat or I'm telling everyone that you're secretly Lucifer's son."

A vein pops on Satan's head. "Excuse me?!"

The stranger chuckles nervously upon sensing Satan's wrath bubble like magma beneath the surface of his skin, ready to boil over and erupt. When Satan's eyes flashed dangerously the stranger spluttered out. "Oh shit....! Uhhh....Cat Attack!!!" That was the only warning Satan got before the tiny kitten was shoved gently but firmly into his hands, his eyes immedietely softened, the rage slowed down from a boil as he looked into the soft innocent eyes of the kittykat.

He looked up at the stranger, who in his frenzy, had lost his batman mask. Ruby red eyes and golden curls tied in french plaits and tucked into the rest of the suit greeted him. Unholy fuck. Was that Archangel Michael.

The Archangel grins at him, "Enjoy your gift! Tell Lucikins I said hi! Oh and also the cats a girl, you can name her! Come visit your favourite uncle soon! Byebye!" Michael shouts to him, before he turns around, and fucking books it, sprinting away from the Avatar of Wrath at a speed that could rival Mammon running from Lucifer.

Satan stood shellshocked by the whole ordeal having acquired a tiny kitten and an uncle who needed to be institutionalised.

He grinned down at the kitten, "I'm gonna call you Dorcha."

Judging by the small creatures tiny meow, he'd gamble that she liked that name.

A/N: im so sorry this is so short, ive been busy w irl stuff, but this was a fun ask <3

also dorcha is sort of pronounced 'door-ah-ha' but you sort of say the 'ch' with your throat, idk how to explain it, but it means 'dark' 💗💗

siúl suaimhneach (shoe-el soo-ehve-neyak, except dont pronounce the 'ch' as a 'keh' and pronounce it liek gutturally!!!) it means 'peaceful walk' but suaimhneach can also mean tranquil or quiet

#ive decided that since irish is better than english in every way that im just gonna start chucking words in irish into my writing #im going to forcibly teach people some irish through reading my fics 😈😈😈#obey me imagines #obey me shall we date #obey me x reader #obey me headcanons #omswd #obey me mc #obey me michael #obey me satan #asks #ask #request #obey me fluff #obey me crack #obey me shitpost

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