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#but they have to hurt each other so badly before they can love each other
glorious-spoon · 1 day
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your way or nothing at all [9-1-1 | Eddie Diaz | 1/1]
1500 words character study | mild angst | weddings | background buck/tommy, eddie/marisol | pre-relationship buddie | not quite a feelings realization for eddie but he's getting there
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In the quieting dark, Eddie lingers by the tables, the empty chairs pushed together in a cluster for a conversation long since abandoned. It's late enough that people are starting to filter out into the night, and pretty much everybody left is crowded at the open bar or swaying on the dance floor. At the high table, Maddie has Buck's suit jacket draped over her shoulders and her cheek tipped against Chim's shoulder, and he's looking down at her with a dopily besotted expression that Eddie can clock even from here.
It makes him feel like—something, some kind of nostalgia for the wedding he never got to have with Shannon. That whole day felt like being hustled through a play that he never learned his lines to. Shannon was three months pregnant and deep in the throes of vicious morning sickness that was not improved by the catering or the stress of the day, so he spent their wedding night holding back her hair in the honeymoon suite his parents paid for and trying desperately to feel like he had a single fucking clue what he was doing. Trying to feel like a man and a husband and a father-to-be and mostly feeling like a complete fraud.
They deserved better. Both of them. Now, in this moment, after this day, it soothes more than it stings to watch Maddie and Chim hold onto each other so easily.
The song changes, and he watches a swirl of motion on the bar side of the dance floor, the particular energy that's easily identifiable as Buck even before he emerges from the crowd. Normally, maybe Eddie would gravitate in, but Buck's got a hand linked together with Tommy's, and they're laughing, and so he stays where he is. Just watches.
It's sweet, a little fumbling as Buck very obviously tries to figure out the logistics of slow-dancing with another guy. Tommy says something in a low voice and settles a palm on his hip, and Buck ducks his head, laughing, and leans into him.
It's sweet. It is. Eddie's throat fucking aches.
He doesn't know why, not really. Maybe it's the smile on Buck's face, wide and giddy and almost embarrassingly bright. He never smiled at Natalia like that, or Taylor. Maybe Ali, but the truth is that back then Eddie wasn't looking for it. Back then, he was so caught up in everything with Shannon, and he and Buck were barely more than friendly coworkers, as strange as that idea seems now.
He probably smiled at Abby like that. Eddie wasn't around for that relationship, only the aftermath, but he can imagine it. You don't hurt that badly when someone leaves you unless you really fucking loved them.
"You would not believe the line for the bathroom," Marisol says from behind him, and Eddie jolts like he just grabbed a high-voltage wire. He tries to spin it into something graceful as he turns to face her, but he's pretty sure it doesn't work, and also pretty sure that he shouldn't be feeling quite so jumpscared at the sight of his girlfriend. His heart is pounding. He rubs his knuckles against his sternum, and Marisol asks, "You okay?"
"Yeah," he says. "Sorry. You startled me."
"No, it's fine." She smiles at him, and it's pretty. She looks pretty, in a blue dress that looks black in this light, little metallic threads picked through and glittering. It hugs the curves of her body in a way that Eddie feels obligated to notice, and so he does, and when he looks her in the eye again she's smiling wider, and that's pretty too and Eddie—
Eddie still feels like a fucking fraud.
"I got you a beer," Marisol says. She's got a glass of wine in her other hand. White wine, lipstick marks on the rim.
Eddie smiles back and takes the bottle she hands him. "Thanks."
"I wasn't sure what you'd want." She grins at him, flirty. "You'll have to tell me if I made a bad guess."
He sips the beer. It's a lager, hoppy and astringent in a way that leaves a bitter aftertaste on his tongue. He takes another drink and smiles around the grimace his mouth wants to make. "It's perfect. Thank you."
The pleased relief in her smile doesn't make the lie feel any better. He takes another sip and sets the bottle down, and Marisol settles her hip against his chair, close enough that he can feel the warmth of her body. Close enough that he could wrap an arm around her thighs and pull her into his lap, if he wanted to do that. He shifts forward instead, leaning his elbows against the table, and she lets out a quiet sound and sets her glass down to sit in the chair next to him. The music switches over from Christina Perri to what Eddie is pretty sure is Savage Garden, and on the dance floor Tommy says something that makes Buck laugh and pull him closer.
"They're cute together," Marisol observes. "Buck and, um… Tommy?"
Eddie's fingers twitch on his beer bottle. "Yeah."
"I didn't know that he was, you know…" she trails off. Eddie looks over at her, and she adds, "Not that there's anything wrong with it! I just, I thought he had a girlfriend."
"They broke up. He dates guys too," Eddie says, more emphatically than is really necessary. Like this is a truth that he's always known instead of something Buck told him two weeks ago in the loft, quiet and careful like he was afraid of how Eddie would react. Like he was afraid of Eddie.
It was a date, we were on a date.
So it's new for Buck, too. Not just him. But still.
It feels like something he should have known.
"Okay," Marisol says. The corners of her mouth tighten, and she takes a pointed sip of her wine. "I didn't know that, is all."
I didn't know either, Eddie imagines saying, but the words strangle themselves in his throat just the same as, Actually, I don't like lagers, and, I don't really want company tonight, did. He wonders how the hell Buck does it—just opens his mouth and lets the truth spill out. Eddie can only manage that when it's for other people. Never for himself.
"Sorry," he says out loud. "It's been… a day."
Marisol's face softens a little, and he feels like shit about that, too. It has been a day, is the thing. He woke up in a bathtub, more hungover than he's been in at least a decade, and after that was a wild goose-chase through the desert to retrieve Chim in time for the wedding, and all that is plenty of reason for him to be off his game now. It's just that somehow it also feels like a fucking lie.
On the dance floor, Buck has his cheek pressed to Tommy's. He says something, and Tommy's shoulders shake with laughter, and then they both turn, moving easily together into a kiss. It's quick and tender, and Eddie abruptly feels like the worst kind of voyeur for watching it happen. He turns his head away and finds Marisol looking at him.
The music changes again. TLC, he's pretty sure, because Chim is deep down a very basic Gen X music kind of guy. Or maybe it was Maddie's pick, who knows. Anyway. It's a little more upbeat, but still slow enough to dance to.
"You, uh." He clears his throat, and finds a smile that feels almost right. "Come on, you wanna dance before they close it all down? They're playing our song."
"This is our song?" Marisol asks, but she's laughing. "I don't even think I was born yet when it came out."
Eddie shrugs and holds out a hand. "It could be our song. Maybe for tonight it's just a good song to dance to."
That must have been the right thing to say. She smiles, sets her wine down, and slips her hand into his, letting him tug her to her feet. They wind their way through the chairs to the dance floor, and under the string lights she settles easily into his arms. 
I know you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all, rasps the singer in a sweetly smoky voice, as Eddie closes his eyes, and sways, and breathes, but I think you're moving too fast.
I think you're moving too fast.
He breathes in, and out, and opens his eyes. Marisol smiles up at him, and he smiles back, then cuts his eyes away. There are still a handful of people left on the dance floor with them: Athena and Bobby, swaying together like they're in their own little world, a couple of Buckley cousins with their dates. Buck and Tommy are gone, though, and Eddie almost cranes his head through the crowd to see where they got to before he catches himself.
"To tell you the truth," Marisol says. "I really don't think this is our song."
"Alright, well, we can find another one," Eddie says, and she laughs and sways into him, and he holds onto her, and when he closes his eyes, it's fine; it all feels fine.
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swashbucklery · 1 year
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OK OK though I’m rewatching Willow and in ep 6 (the troll prison one) Elora is feeling anxious and making the whole mountain shake. The thing I missed on first watch is: this is her mastering the magical art of divination.
When she’s panicking the most, the audio is not flashes of random yelling the audio is Kit hurting her feelings in that moment where she just loses it on Elora because she thinks her dad loved Elora more. The emotions Elora is feeling aren’t random anxiety they’re premonitions of the way she’s going to feel when Kit says that to her. And when Kit hurts her like that, Elora feels it so strongly that it’s almost enough to bring down a mountain.
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spotsupstuff · 11 months
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i sense how on the contrary, when moon is in Zeph’s local group the members will all go ‘omg youre actually letting us do this’ or be surprised of her leniency with almost anything(or if she gets upset she wont be yelling her ass off and will try to remain calm), because of how Zeph would usually be so strict with em and they didnt expect better
see- first you gotta understand that the chancla doesn't really Hurt the iterators. while they definitely can feel through their puppets, those things are made to be sturdy (throw a normal or singularity bomb into Pebs' chamber,he's fine, i know he just doesn't have health but worldbuilding is worldbuilding so i guess a fully functional iterator is fine with blackhole into the head). it maybe stings for a sec but it's not worse than gettin pinched (also where did you get that she yells at em, she's only exclaimed so far i think. if you check how she handled Innocence, that's how she generally goes about it- no yellin for the sake of puttin 'em in place, she's just venting out her frustrations into the air)
the Point of the chancla is to get the target's unwavering attention so she can talk some sense into them WITHOUT using the senior privilege which is far more invading since it cuts straight through their systems and forces the juniors to stop everything to pay attention. these things are giant supercomputers! they are going to have a different perspective on what counts as "too much"/"too bad" than us humans! it isn't used to limit what they are doing unless the thing they are gon do is explicitly threatening to their safety, the limiting is what the Senior Privilege does!
in that lil comic with Pebs, Suns, Nish, Inn and her, she doesn't actually even hit Nish in the last panel, the chancla is only supposed to suddenly appear from behind next to his face n he gets startled + drama queen points. i've admitted in the tags of it that i gave up on the last page so i don't blame anyone for not gettin that since i haven't put enough effort into communicating it
with what she's doin back in her own group, she Needs to be this strict if she wants her plan of keeping everyone reliably long-term safe to work
and her groupmates would undeniably miss her. they love her! they don't want some lenient stranger without constant spice to her instead of their ramshackle beloved Azzie!!!!
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#Spot says stuff#rw#oc tag#remember!!!!! important point to her character that also bothered me at some point with how similar it makes her to Moon was that shes Kind#Zeph is kind almost as much as Moon but their situations- concerning all their past present and future- are strikingly different and so#their lives require them to have different approach to things. what Zeph is specifically doin different from Moon is that shes Firmer#strictness isnt wrong!!! if you arent strict on either yourself or the people around you then it is easy to breach boundaries n do-#-Terrible things. its. honestly why i got real sad when a peep asked me to tag that one post as abuse. its not that believe me Zeph would-#-Never abuse another iterator. shes specifically trying to get around that while still keepin them sensible. but ofc ill tag it as such 4 u#look where Moon's leniency got her! dead and hurt and everyone who loved her suffering! there are times when you Need to be firm and cut-#-a bad situation at its bud before it can spiral into something absolutely damning#i didnt include it cuz it isnt Funney™ but after each chancla she talks to the target about why what they did was wrong#Suns you cant send that. it can hurt him very badly. Innocence you need to respect other people. Pebbles this will Hurt me if u keep doing-#-what you are doing right now. it could *kill* me. why are you doing this in the first place? do you need to talk? need me to listen?#being strict and being cruel or dictatorial are different things
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8rujaa · 7 months
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to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?
#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened#i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close#and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way#i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao#now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest#and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell#i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop#but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again#i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier#it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men#and i find myself unable to connect with anyone…#i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed#i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it#i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly.#i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad#i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so#i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized…#when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was#like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u#i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function.#plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized#how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone…#i went thru all that for nothing…#and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why#brain vomit
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rosymorns · 1 year
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i see “your parents actually werent around much” and say “that isnt angsty enough and doesnt channel my personal trauma in a way i want”
#cw for addiction and suicide in the following tags my besties <3#both of her parents were definitely addicts. i think her dad was also a musician and like. at first it was drinking#and then it was opiates at parties and then it was heroin.#he died. i think. right around when she met seven. right before. seven never met him. so she was. what they met in 7th grade?#she was 12. and she got into an honest to god fight with her dad and screamed that he was ruining their family.#& he stormed out. and. she doesn't actually know. she was 12 and no one would tell her. all she knows is that she hurt him.#and then he was dead. as an adult she wonders if it was an intentional OD or just he was upset and did too much.#as a kid there was just such a clear line between 'she was hurt and said something cruel and someone she loved got hurt'#i mean of fucking course it has a profound impact on her. but she's pretty reserved because of it. and careful w her words and actions.#(seven is the only person she was ever vulnerable with and that ended badly too innit <3)#anyway her mom is still around. she's a garden variety alcoholic. after what happened to her husband she's tried to quit a few times.#she always relapses. she thinks florrie hates her. she's terrified to reach out or say anything to her.#florrie is afraid to invest in her or really get close because. well. she was close to her dad.#miss ma'am doesn't HAVE any secure attachments. she doesn't HAVE anyone she can be vulnerable with.#she's not going to put any kind of trust in someone who seems to her to be unstable.#which i think is part of her little crush on orion. her life is a mess man she's a little bisexual disaster.#oh also i think she has a sister. i haven't decided older or younger. she's estranged and kind of pissed at florrie.#they were close as teenagers but once golden hour took off florrie prioritized the band a few too many times#and left her sister to deal with their mom. and her sister just kind of went. 'fuck it fuck you all' and fucked off to london.#they text each other happy birthday usually. that's about it.#carly.txt#carly's ocs#oc: florrie#brother you know i'm down bad for an oc when i start writing tag essays.
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inkskinned · 5 months
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in internet posts it is easy to cut them out of your life. they are hurting you! they aren't listening to you!
they held your hair back. they lent you lipstick. they held your hand at the train station and got you home safe. they rounded on your bully, got loud, said get fucked, spitting-mad in your defense.
they also cut the hair off again. told you that you should really think twice before wearing something like that. took you for granted. took your insecurities and threw them in your face again.
you know logically it should be easy. all the internet advice comments always read it will feel better. like an equation - if a person is rotten, you just remove them. you pull the tooth that's hurting.
but it was never a big flare-up moment. you don't live in a sitcom. they never tried to take your boyfriend or steal from your apartment. they showed up to birthdays and they wrote songs about you and bring you water without you asking. once you found out they carry an emergency inhaler for you, even though you haven't had an asthma attack in years - just in case.
where is the line? people fuck up. sometimes they fuck up badly. sometimes people have raw personalities, like a powerline, and being around them is dangerous. addicting. sometimes they can't help themselves, but you know they're trying. sometimes they are just rough-around-the-edges. sometimes they don't even realize how they sounded when they said that. sometimes it's just - you've both loved each other for so long now, the way this thing hurts goes back to the root.
and that's the fucked up part. you have pushed your fingers against the sweetheart of memory. things these days are electric, tense, harrowing. they didn't used to be. there were a lot of good days in there. sometimes you want to just close your eyes and say can this be over yet? do we still need to be fighting?
doing that would give up any chance you get of getting an apology, but you don't always know that you need an apology, you love them. once they flaked on your birthday party. once they told you to get over it, people are always dying. they also let you crash on their couch for a week after the breakup, handfeeding you when you were so sad you couldn't eat. they are also judgmental about everything, occasionally react to banal statements with an attitude that is weird and fiery. they also love you like a lighthouse sometimes, so strong they cut the storm like lightning.
but the problem is that you might be storm. you might be the thing that needs breaking. what if you are two forces who are desperately, horribly drawn to each other, shaped by the other person's passions, and both good for each other and bad in equal measure.
what if you're both just people, and you're no saint neither.
just cut them off! swallowing the saltwater, you catch yourself in the mirror. you've been shaking more than usual. there's an ache in you that is oblique, loud, impossible to soothe. is this what it looks like? when life is "easier"?
your mouth will always have a hole, is the thing, if you remove the tooth.
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actual-changeling · 6 months
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we do not talk enough about the moment right before crowley puts his sunglasses back on. the "nothing lasts forever" is devastating and if you're like me your eyes were so full of tears you couldn't see the screen the first time you watched it (just like crowley, look at us all twinning in sadness!).
there is a shift that happens in his eyes and i think it is absolutely fascinating and heartbreaking at the same time.
we begin with crowley averting his gaze from aziraphale's face and staring off into the distance instead, and you can see his spirit break. that crowley just lost the one thing in the world he cannot live without and we can see it written across his face like a neon sign.
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then, as you'd expect, he gives into the need to cover up his pain, to try and make himself less vulnerable, and even before he lifts his glasses he looks down so aziraphale can no longer see his eyes.
now, the next part is what would not let me out of its grasp all day. we know it happens because of his demeanour afterwards and up until the kiss, but you can actually watch as crowley makes himself numb to the world.
i am intimately familiar with dissociation as a trauma and stress response, and while you can never fully control it, you do eventually find the switch in your mind that makes you snap back into the haze. crowley has had six thousand years to get really, really good at leaving reality behind when he needs and/or wants to.
that's exactly what he does.
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he still looks sad, and yet there's just something distinctly distant in his eyes, the shift from openly heartbroken to "i don't want to feel any of this let me leave".
glasses? on
emotions? off
hotel? trivago
i have stared at those four frames more than any person probably should and i don't know if it's the light, if i am going insane, or if there is a single tear sliding out of his right (our left) eye. i'm probably insane and the light is a bitch so if anyone has some high resolution shots or anything that could answer that question without a doubt PLEASE do add it.
by now you are probably ready to threaten me with a knife in a dark alley but before you do that or drive your car off a cliff, let me tell you the best part:
aziraphale notices.
they might be communicating on two different frequencies but aziraphale knows crowley. he knows and loves him, and, most importantly, over the last few years he has gotten used to seeing crowley without his glasses. aziraphale could probably write a book on the expressions in his eyes alone and watches that shift happen and is devastated.
look.
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he tries to make himself hope the same second, tries to convince himself crowley is putting on his glasses so they can leave together, but he knows.
aziraphale sees the light leave crowley's eyes, sees crowley leave, knowing that he is quite literally running away from him. you and me against the world, angel, but in that moment crowley firmly pushes him back to "the world" (or tries to, anyway).
the entire season we see crowley take off his glasses whenever he enters the bookshop to the point where he's running around without them on in broad daylight with jimbriel right there.
can you imagine how hurt and confused aziraphale must be?
because what crowley is telling him, if we really, really break it down, is that aziraphale is no longer a safe person for him. and repairing that trust is going to take time and work, no matter how much crowley loves him, how badly they love and need each other.
anyway to seal this off and really rub in the pain - how it started vs. how it ended. <3
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oh one last thing: now crowley no longer has a single person he can be himself around, no one that knows him, no one he trusts. no one in whose presence he can take his glasses off.
and outside of the bentley and his own flat, he no longer has a place to do so either. the bookshop was theirs. with aziraphale gone, is it really a safe place anymore? is it somewhere he can just let himself be knowing he will be looked after and protected?
easy answer: no.
alright, off i go. see y'all on the next angst post or in the tags.
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a-hazbin-reader · 2 months
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OMG CAN YOU PLEASE DO A ALASTOR X WIFE READER WHO IS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING (BUT HER HUSBAND)
YESSSSSSSSS
Alastor X Reader Headcanons
✅️Romantic
❌️Platonic
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TW: Alastor being fucked up
Description: ☝️⬆️
Alastor is your safe space, your person, and he's well aware of that. You're his wife after all
He doesn't mind that you're so afraid of everything because it means you'll always stick close to him
Which means he never has to worry about where you are or if you're safe because you're glued to his side
Your constant grip on his arm is a reassuring reminder of that and if you climb him like a tree out of fear??
He will happily be your tree husband and promise you that you're safe with him
He not so secretly loves it when you're afraid because idk if you noticed but he's kinda just a little fucked up in the head and he thinks you smell good like that
Literally likes the smell of your fear like wtf honey
But also because it makes him feel like your hero, a number one Y/N protector, a good husband
And it wasn't easy to get that title even if it was self given
He remembers the days before you two were inseparable and disgustingly in love with each other
The days you would tremble in his presence and he would try to coax you into trusting him
Getting the tiniest bit of trust from you was like pulling teeth, it took all of his patience
Only to have all his hard work come crashing down the next time he got into a fight or intimidated someone
Sometimes, he wouldn't even know what he did to scare you so badly or why you were such fearful person
He doesn't even remember why he wanted you to trust him in the first place, maybe he was already enamored with you
Maybe he just wanted to devour you because you smelled so appetizing
But somehow, you two made it to where you are today, happily married and attached at the hip
You're too scared to sleep because of the weather outside? Your darling husband is pulling you into his arms and singing you to sleep
You saw a spider and now refuse to get off the table? Alastor is here to pick you up and squish the nasty bug for you
NO NOT ANGEL
Not Alastor putting away a comically large newspaper in obvious disappointment
You got spooked by your own shadow again? Well, now it's cute because Alastor's shadow is kissing yours, so how could you be afraid anymore??
You're not, but now you want a kiss from your husband really badly
Despite your fearful nature, you aren't scared of your husband or his demonic form
You almost find it sort of cute and could watch him all day, maybe kiss a tentacle or two
Even when you see him gobbling up people, you don't feel a single twinge of fear because you know he wouldn't hurt you
You have your reasons for being so afraid of everything, but Alastor has proven himself to not be one of them
That's part of why you married him
You seek him out for protection, love and affection which he readily gives you because he cares about you
He protects you so fiercely that you almost forget what fear is, you're just so blissful in his presence
You praise him and coo at him every time he comes to your rescue, which he just eats up
He preens under your words and is visibly proud of himself, pleased with himself for saving you yet again
Only asks for a little crumb of affection from his wife in return
It's his reward for being your protector, and he thinks it's a pretty fair trade
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This one came out very cute! I hope you enjoy it!
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veethefreeelf · 6 months
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How many times does it take to get smarter? Y.JH
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Summary: 
Jeonghan and you start a fwb relationship after years of being best friends. He only has two rules: no feelings and no kissing. Who’s going to break the rules first?
Wordcount: around 6.3k
Warnings: unprotected sex, vaginal penetration, oral sex (f. receiving), fingering, bossy Jeonghan
Requested: Yes, here
P.S - Italic is for thoughts mainly from Y/N’s perspective and quotes. Bold is for text messages and/or calls between characters
As you sit on your couch on your day off and stare at the message in your phone, you ask yourself: How did this all start anyway? How are you sitting here, sexting your best friend in the middle of the afternoon and absolutely loving it? Well, for most of your shared friends, ‘this was bound to happen sooner or later’ as they so lovingly put it but, for both you and Jeonghan (the one on the receiving end of the sexting) this was never supposed to happen and it can end just as abruptly as it started.
You don’t remember exactly who leaned in and started all of this but you do remember the conversation after your boundaries as best friends had been completely crossed. While still naked and tangled, Jeonghan immediately stated he would like to continue doing this with you on a friends with benefits basis only, and if you agreed, he had only two main rules for this whole thing. 
First rule was a pretty cliché one: no feelings. You remember laughing at this when it first said it and teasing him for such a cliché move.
“It’s cliché for a reason, love. It happens more than it should” you remember how serious he sounded.
Second rule was an unbelievable one and it made you laugh even harder than the previous: no kissing. Now it makes sense why he did not kiss you at all during that first time you were together even though you were very (VERY) interested in doing so.
“Hannie, are you being serious? Who am I? The mistress you can’t kiss because if you do, it’s considered cheating on the non-existing housewife waiting for you at home?” you really couldn’t stop laughing.
“Kissing is reserved for people I want a serious relationship with and see myself being with in the long run” he said, even more serious this time around.
You stopped laughing immediately and… It hurt. That comment stung. Looking back on it, you realize this may have been a sign that you should not say yes to his proposition. That there was only one way this ‘agreement’ was going to end: badly. WIth you in tears. 
But you ignored that initial sting and pain. You ignored that initial sign from your brain and heart and said yes.
Jeonghan let you know there were essentially no other rules. You could call and/or text whenever you needed him and wanted to have him and he would do the same. Your friendship would remain the same, still having your weekly dinner and movie/show and, whenever either of you wanted to end this, for whatever reason, it would immediately end. One thing he kept saying was “No matter what, no matter how this ends, I still want you in my life, love. You are one of the most important people in my life, and that will never change”.
You nodded silently. But of course he would not let you get away with just nodding. He takes out his most powerful weapon against you. His pinkie. He wanted you to pinkie promise that your friendship would remain the same after you were done fucking each other casually. You remember how much a pinkie promise means to Jeonghan. The words ‘It can never be broken’ pop up in your mind and you hesitate. 
This was sign two. You got two signs from yourself during that same initial conversation with him to stop this before you both ruined what you have built together over the years.
Yet… You did it. You lifted your pinkie and you made that promise to each other. Why did it suddenly feel like you wouldn’t be able to hold up the end of your promise when the time came? ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’ you had told yourself.
After that first time, you didn’t speak to each other for two weeks. The only messages exchanged between the two of you were the ones he sent to cancel your weekly meetings. You thought this was very strange. In all the years you have known each other and started this weekly tradition, he missed one, maybe two in all that time. This was unlike the Jeonghan you knew and you started to wonder if the gravity of the situation had finally caught up with him. 
You have always had the tendency to overthink things. And a tendency to: ‘hurt yourself with your own imagination’ as Jeonghan lovingly put it. So you told yourself that maybe he was just busy with work or… Well… Maybe another fuck-buddy or one-night stand. That’s the thing about him, he rarely dates anyone seriously. However, fuck-buddies and one-night stands are something he revels in more than most. 
You never thought about it much. Always just figured he has high standards for who he dates and just wants to keep the loneliness at bay by having these agreements with different women. 
Now that you were one of these women, you wanted to know if this would be an exclusive fuck-buddy relationship. For health purposes, obviously. Not because you are a very jealous person who does not like sharing, of course. God, you hoped he was just busy with work and not with someone else. If he had been with someone else, did this mean you hadn’t been good enough? That whatever happened between the two of you didn’t satisfy him? That would be a depressing revelation since you were left extremely satisfied after your first time with Jeonghan.
As you sit on the edge of your bed, overthinking everything about the last time you and him were face-to-face, your phone starts to ring next to you and of course, it’s the man himself: Yoon Jeonghan.
“You home?” he states plainly.
“Well, hello to you too, Mr. Yoon. How have you been? Good! Me? Been good too, busy with work but you know-”
“Stop the games, Y/N. I’m not in the mood. You home or do I have to call someone else?” he said as he rudely interrupted your very passive aggressive answer.
“I’m home” you answered and swallowed thickly.
“Good. Be there in 30. Be ready” he said in a very low voice and proceeded to hang up on you.
Shit, that was new, you thought. You were not quite sure what to make of that but you remembered the time that you accidentally heard the boys talk about how Jeonghan was less than vanilla with most people he slept with and then you started feeling oh so excited for him to arrive.
Those 30 minutes went by so unbearably slow. You remember it as if it was yesterday. You spent those 30 minutes getting ready for him. You showered, used your strawberry lotion that he loved so much and put on the tiniest, filthiest lingerie piece you had on. You then started to overthink again. Just because he had called like that, it didn’t mean he would want you. Were you being presumptuous? ‘Better put a robe on, just in case I’m extremely wrong’ you thought and you went to your closet to find the baby blue silk robe you loved so much.
He rang your doorbell right on time which was very on brand for the Jeonghan you have known for so long. You were a bit shaky walking to the door but you kept telling yourself ‘It’s just your friend, Jeonghan. Just your friend. Nothing to be shaking for. Your heart has no business beating this hard and fast for him’.
You opened the door and he immediately walked past you into your living room. He started taking off his jacket and shoes. 
“What are you standing there for? Go to the bedroom, take your clothes off and wait for me on the bed” he stated while staring you up and down and realizing you had a much too short robe on you.
“Excuse me?” you defied him. Of course you did. You had always done that as his friend and that was not about to change just because you two had found yourselves in that position at that moment in time.
“Talk back to me again and I’ll leave right now and find myself someone with less of a fucking smart mouth” he said while he looked feral and very ready to be true to his previous words.
You had not answered him. Instead, you went to the bedroom, took off your robe and waited for him on the bed as he had told you. While there, you heard him moving around in the bathroom and started to realize you were probably in for a wild ride that evening.
He walked into the bedroom and when he first looked at you, he stopped and just stared. He was breathing heavily and licking his lips.
“For someone who likes to talk back to me so much, you sure were ready to be fucked tonight weren’t you, love?” he said and you gulped.
“Better safe than sorry. I like being prepared”
“Hmm… Good girl” he responded and you almost melted into your mattress right then and there. 
“Are you going to do something or just stare at me all night, Hannie?”
“Let me be clear since you don’t seem to know your place. I make the rules here, not you. I move when I want to. I do what I want to. And you will be a good girl and take everything I give you, when I give you. Do you understand?” he asked and you audibly scoffed at him.
He squinted his eyes at you and cracked his neck. You got scared he was going to walk out and in that moment you deeply hated your mouth for always being so fucking honest.
“One more scoff or mouthy comeback and I’m walking out of here. That’s a fucking promise. Now, are you going to be a good girl and know your place from now on or do I need to leave and end this fucking deal?” 
“Stay. I’ll be good…” you answered in a barely audible voice.
“You’ll have to speak louder, love. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s just me. Your Hannie, yeah? You trust me, right?”
“Of course I do. This is just… Very new. Maybe… Be a bit patient with me if I screw up, yeah?” you asked him in what you considered to be your most innocent look.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll be more patient. Just had a very shitty day” he said while he walked closer to you.
“Let me make it better, Hannie” you said while you started to unbuckle his belt and undo his zipper. He looked down at you and held your face with both hands.
“You look so fucking gorgeous in that tiny fucking thing, love. You know that, hmm?” he said while he held your face.
“Thank you, Hannie…” you answered shyly while you continued to take his pants and underwear off.
Once his bottom half was fully displayed to you, you started to stroke his cock while you both stared at each other. It started to leak with pre-cum and you took advantage of that to stroke harder and faster.
“You gonna put this cock in your mouth or just stroke it like we’re teenagers hiding from our parents, baby?” he said breathily. And, for a split second your mind started to think about that pet name. Baby. He had never called any of his flings by that pet name. Well, at least not in front of you but you rationalized that behind closed doors he probably had done it before. You were not different nor special.
You chose not to answer him. You just pushed him a bit away from you, you moved from the bed to the floor, on your knees and dove in.
You had never really enjoyed sucking dick. It had always been something you do for your partner but it never had any effect on you. Until this man, that is. At that moment, you were desperate. You wanted to suck the life out of him through his dick. You were going to make sure he would never forget the kind of head you gave him. 
You were sloppy and loud. Spit was running down your chin and you had started easing up into fitting his whole cock in your mouth (and throat). It had been a long while since you had had a cock this big and since you deep throated. When you had finally managed to fully swallow all of him, he pulled you back with a groan. He was panting hard when he pulled you up to your feet by one of your hands and by your hair.
“You’re so greedy. You need to be taught some manners” he said as he backed you up until you reached your bed.
He took off the last pieces of clothing he had on and pushed you down on the bed. You moved up on the bed with him as he started to settle between your legs.
“Look at you. So fucking sloppy…” he said while he spread the remaining spit on your chin all over your face.
“Hmm… Just the way I like it though…” he continued praising you.
He started touching you. Started by slowly running his hand from your neck down to your hip bone while he stared at you. This had been very different from the first time you two had been together. The first time had been rushed. No suspense, mostly no foreplay. Straight to the point. This time, it seemed he was wanting to take his time and was in no mood to rush anything.
Fuck, you wanted to kiss him. Bad. You had to keep reminding yourself ‘No kissing. Don’t kiss him. Don’t lean in. Don’t you dare ruin this’. You decided to start touching him, to try and prevent your urges from coming through and breaking one of his rules.
You started to run your fingers through his hair and use your nails on his scalp, just the way he had always loved it. You then moved your other hand down his chest and lightly scratched his chest in the process. He hissed and slapped your thigh.
“No scratching and no marks, baby” he said while he started to kiss down your neck.
“Are those new rules, Hannie?” you asked as you started to get more and more breathless. 
“In a sense, yes. They apply for me but not for you. No marking me but I can mark you however I see fit. Understood?” 
“Unfair…” you stated as you began to pout at him.
“No pouting. These are my rules. Not too late to back out, love” he said while then moving his hand to your back to undo your bra. 
All you could do was moan. Something flashed in your mind ‘Not too late to back out’. You quickly put that idea out of your mind. You didn’t want to back out. You had wanted this and you were going to continue with this deal.
That was the third real sign. Just a quick flash. A brief warning from your heart most likely. But again, you ignored it.
“I need an answer, love. Is this too much for you?” he asked and stopped moving to look into your eyes while he waited for your answer.
“No, it’s fine. Just… I might forget them in the heat of the moment, so I’ll need your help enforcing the rules” you answered and he laughed, almost mocking you.
“Don’t worry, love. I definitely won’t forget them. I’ll stop you if it gets to that” he said and then continued to take off your bra. 
With the bra out of the way, he started to kiss and leave hickies all over your chest. Wherever his mouth wasn’t, his hands were. You felt so surrounded, so engulfed. You were getting louder by the second and you knew he was enjoying it. He kept humming when you got particularly loud and continued to abuse that specific spot until a full mark had begun to form. 
Once he was satisfied with his work, he leaned back on his heels between your legs and stared at you while running his hands through your legs. 
“You look even better with my marks all over you, baby” he said and he noticed you started to get a bit red and shy and refused to look him in the eye. He tapped your thigh twice and you looked at him (finally). He then smiled at you, leaned over and completely cupped your pussy with his hand. You started to pant almost instantly.
“Shit, baby. You’re already so fucking wet. You were trying to give me shit on marking you but look at this fucking mess you’re making” he said as he started to run his fingers through the wet patch in your (now) soaked panties.
“Hannie…” you moaned as he kept stroking you ever so lightly.
“Hmm… You sound so pretty, baby” he whispered in your ear.
He then began to slide your panties off. He was being so slow, so meticulous. You didn’t know how much longer you could wait for him to touch you. You also knew that if you had started to protest, he would have probably given you an even more difficult time. 
He finally leaned in. Head between your legs, he began to blow air on your now swollen and begging to be touched clit while he held your pussy lips open with one hand. You hummed and instinctively moved your hips close to his mouth. You immediately thought you had fucked up.
The look you had in your eyes must have shown that fear because next thing you know Jeonghan is laughing at you. 
“I’ll let that one slide since I feel generous at the moment” he said and before you could have thanked him, he dove in and latched his mouth to your pussy. He grabbed your thighs with both hands and started to eat you out desperately. If you thought you had been sloppy when sucking his dick, he was even sloppier while eating you out. He was making out with your pussy like his life depended on it. Your moans had started to get louder, especially anytime he sucked and rolled your clit on his tongue. 
He kept humming and moaning along with you until he finally decided to insert one finger into your pussy. He had not kept that finger alone for too long and decided to join a second finger into your wet pussy. With two fingers and with how wet you were, the noises echoing through your bedroom were indecent, filthy. And you began to get closer and closer to the edge and it was when he moved his other hand to your tit and began to grab and massage it that you were pushed over the edge with a cry and moan of his name.
He moved back up your body and started to kiss your cheeks and neck softly while you were coming down from your high. 
“You were so fucking good for me, baby. So good… Let me know when you’re ready” he said while you tried to calm your breathing down.
“Fuck… I’m ready… Please, Hannie… Don’t make me wait anymore…” you moaned in desperation.
He started to move his cock up and down your folds and as he was about to get inside of you, you stopped him.
“Condom? Tell me you brought one, please” you said while you looked in his eyes.
“I thought since we started this deal, we wouldn’t need it anymore. I know you’re on birth control”
“I mean… As long as you’re not fucking anyone else while you’re fucking me… I guess we can. But if you plan to have more fuck-buddies or one-night stands or whatever you want to call them, then no. We will need a condom” you said very seriously. You wanted him to understand that it was your turn to set up at least this one rule for yourself.
He looked at you with a strange expression. Almost disappointed that you even thought about him fucking other people when just two weeks before, he had proposed this deal to you.
“Of course I’m not fucking anyone else. You know I don’t have multiple fuck-buddies at the same time. Definitely not now, when I have this deal with you, love” he said and he inched closer to your face. You held your breath. ‘Is he gonna kiss me?’ you asked yourself. He rubbed his nose in yours and asked:
“So… Condom? No condom? Your call, love” and he continued rubbing his cock in your folds.
“No condom. Just get inside me. Now”
“Bossy” he smirked and finally (finally) got inside you. You both sighed and cursed under your breath when he bottomed out which made you both giggle.
He licked his lips, leaned back and placed both your legs on his shoulders. Then, he started with long strokes which quickly transformed into him pounding into you. He was fucking you hard. And with this position, he was kept at a distance from your lips which made you think about how fucking brilliant the man between your legs truly was. 
The sound of skin slapping, of how wet your pussy was, was driving you both insane. You could tell he was quickly losing his composure and so were you. You were still sensitive and you were already beginning to feel that familiar burning inside of you. Fuck, you were close. Very close.
He leaned in, bent you like a pretzel and whispered so so close to your lips:
“I got you. Cum, baby. Let go. I’m right here”
With his hand around your thigh and thumb on your clit rubbing furiously, you came with a loud scream of his name.
“Hannie… Hannie… Sensitive…” you said still panting.
“I know, baby. I’m right there… Fuck… Where? Tell me where”
You knew exactly what he was asking and your answer may not have been the smartest in that moment, but honestly, you didn’t give a fuck about being smart, not while he was between your legs looking at you like that.
“Inside, please. Please, Hannie. I need it”
And then, it was his turn to spill ropes of cum into you. ‘Begging. Of course. Predictable but expected’ you had thought about what triggered him to finally let go. 
Jeonghan laid on you, trying to keep most of his weight off of you while still recovering from his high. 
It was like everything hit you at once. You went there again. You two really crossed that line again and from the looks of it, it would continue happening after that moment. You… Didn’t know exactly what you were feeling. Looking back now… Maybe you knew exactly what you were feeling and that’s why you were so scared in that moment after everything that had transpired between you that night.
He got up, went to the bathroom and came back to clean you. He didn’t say a word and neither did you. He laid back down and pulled you close. You remembered thinking ‘This is not how fuck-buddies are supposed to act’. And you asked him:
“Do you cuddle all your fuck-buddies or should I consider myself lucky?”
“You should consider yourself special, love” he said right before falling asleep and you had felt it then. The fourth sign. You made a terrible mistake that night. You believed him.
The next morning he had left and said he would call you or text you or ‘whatever the fuck’. Ever the poet. And this is how this journey that you are now contemplating while sitting on your couch waiting for his text started.
After that second time, you two had met up regularly, sometimes multiple times a week. You always stayed at each other's place overnight and had always continued moving forward in your life. 
Your friendship was still the same, nothing major had changed and it was going great. But you kept waiting for that other shoe to drop. You knew sooner or later that it would because after the last time you were together, you remembered thinking that you didn’t want him to leave that morning. That maybe, instead of meeting up in your bed next time, you could meet up at the restaurant you’ve always wanted to go down the street from his house that he never took you to because ‘That is way too romantic for us, love’. 
That last time you were together, the one that made you think all of this… It was strange. You had felt at the time, something had shifted for him too because while he was fucking you on his kitchen counter, he leaned in so close… You could almost taste him… And then he moved away and flipped you over so that you were now bent over the counter and as far away from his lips as possible. Jeonghan had wanted to kiss you then, you were sure of it. You didn’t know what to feel. Happy because he had wanted to? Or devastated at the fact he still didn’t kiss you?
Fifth sign. You were devastated. You considered stopping everything. Just putting an end to your arrangement. You already knew you were fucked for him and you were also painfully aware that he did not feel the same way.
You didn’t text or call him. He, in turn, texted and called you multiple times. You had claimed you were on a business trip and out of the country. You were just hiding at home. Too much of a coward to break it off and too hurt to see him.
Of course this didn’t last long. Jeonghan knew you better than anyone and he knew when you were lying and avoiding something. Even though he knew, he had left you alone for that week. He probably had figured you needed time to deal with whatever was holding you back. But after that week, he showed up at your door. You didn’t make a sound, wondering if he would just leave if you did not answer any of the rings or knocks.
“I know you’re in there, Y/N. I gave you a week of lying and hiding. No more. Let me in, please, love”
Nothing. You didn’t want to see him. ‘Why is he like this?’ you had asked yourself. But you knew if the roles were reversed, you would be doing the exact same thing at his door and would not be leaving until he opened it so you knew the only way out of this was through it.
You opened the door, turned and started walking to your couch. You started playing whatever you were watching before he showed up and pretended to be paying attention to it. ‘Shit’ you thought. You knew he saw right through you.
“Are you really going to do this? You think I don’t know you enough to know what you’re pulling?” he asked, sitting on the couch with you and staring at you.
“I’m fine, Hannie. Just wanted to be alone for a while. Simple” you told him. You hated playing this card on him but he knew that once in a while you got a bit down about your family and the struggles with those relationships and you always used to tell him ‘Sometimes all I need is some alone time and I figure it out’. 
“You could’ve told me instead of lying though. You know I hate lies. You promised a long time ago, no lies between us, remember?”
You stared at him.
“I’m sorry, Hannie. Didn’t want to burden you, that’s all”
He had looked at you almost as if trying to figure out what you were thinking. Trying to understand why you had lied and kept lying. He must have decided then, it wasn’t worth asking anymore and he just put his arm around you, looked at the TV and asked:
“What are we watching, then?”
You had indeed started to watch the show with him but that quickly turned into something else. And again, this time was even stranger than the last. 
He had been so gentle with you, always whispering sweet nothings. Things you thought should only be whispered to a significant other, not a friend, not a fuck-buddy. No. This felt very different. 
That night, it felt like he made love to you. He laid you back on the couch after stripping both of you naked. He took his time eating you out like you were his last meal and only after you came 3 times from his mouth alone did he start fucking you. Or at the time, you thought he was going to fuck you but he surprised you. He held both your hands and kept them intertwined while he slowly thrusted into you. You lost track of time. It felt surreal, it felt like you were dreaming.
In the middle of all the moaning and panting and whispering, he did something that you never expected. He… Kissed you. It wasn’t soft or gentle. It was a passionate kiss, tongues intertwined, moaning like he needed this like he needed air to breathe. Such a contrast from how he was thrusting into you. And you let him. You kissed him back and you remember thinking ‘A kiss between friends shouldn’t feel this way’. 
Your heart was pounding and you wanted to feel his but he had kept your hands above your head intertwined with his and would not let go.
That night, after you both came and he cleaned you up. He didn’t say a word, just like during your second time. Except this time, he did not stay the night.
He got dressed and walked out. Without even a spare glance at you. You knew then. The sixth and final sign before you had decided, it was time to come clean and end this.
And that’s precisely what you were trying to do when you started texting him. However, as usual he had other plans and that’s why texting turned into sexting which turned into you reliving everything that has happened in the last couple of months between you.
This realization snaps you back into reality and you abruptly delete the very graphic text you were about to send and send another one instead.
“Come over whenever you can. I need to talk to you about something” you sent.
“What a way to kill a boner, Y/N. Let’s keep having fun now, I’ll come over when this meeting ends” and you wondered why you even thought his response was going to be any different.
“I’m serious, Jeonghan. No more games for today. Come over when you can and we’ll talk then” you sent and put your phone on silent. You didn’t want a back and forth, you needed him to know you were serious.
You were sure he knew though. Very rarely did you call him Jeonghan. It was always ‘angel’ or ‘Hannie’. Never Jeonghan.
You knew what was going to happen once he was there. Your heart was about to be broken by your favorite person in the world. You wanted to have hope, but you knew better than that. You knew him better than that. You were never special. The only difference between you and the usual girls he found, was that you had been best friends before. That was it. Nothing else to it.
After thinking about how you were going to tell him the truth. You decided to be as blunt as possible. He always loved that about you. When you were completely honest with him about everything. Even if the shit you said sometimes hurt to hear.
He got to your apartment almost an hour after that text. That was fairly quickly during his work day so he must have known you meant what you texted.
“So… Should I sit down for this, love? You’re not dying are you?” he joked. 
However, when he saw the look in your eyes he knew. This was not a joking matter and this moment wasn’t about him. It was about you.
“I love you, Jeonghan”
He stared at you.
“And no, I don’t mean in a ‘best friends’ type of way. I’m in love with you. If I’m being honest with both of us, I always have been. From the day I met you. But I knew.. I was never your type. Not then… Definitely not now. So I settled. I became your best friend. I realized I wanted to stay by your side even if you never saw me the way I wanted you too. It was… well… Stupid of me. Of course I only realized this once you started dating someone. It was painful but I pushed it down. If I’ve learned anything about my shitty childhood and most of my shitty life is to compartmentalize things. So, I put the box with all my feelings for you deep inside of my soul and pushed it down anytime I thought that dam would break. Until now. You were right. Clichés are clichés for a reason. Except in this case, I was already in love with you. I just hoped you would fall too.”
You knew it was a lot to process but now that you opened this dam, you couldn’t close it anymore. You were sobbing now looking at him and you couldn’t tell what he was thinking at all. No emotion was showing in his face. He too knew all too well to compartmentalize and he had a much better poker face than yours.
“Don’t worry though. I have no illusions that you feel the same way. I know you don’t. You made that perfectly clear after we fucked the first time. ‘Kissing is reserved for people I want a serious relationship with and see myself being with in the long run’. That really fucking hurt. The person I loved most in the world telling me I’m simply not good enough for them. I’m good enough to fuck though, apparently” you chuckled darkly.
“I know you kept saying that no matter what, you still wanted me in your life. What you forgot to wonder was if at the end of this deal, I would still want you in my life. I do. But not as a friend. Not as a fuck-buddy. I want all of it. And…I know you can’t give that to me. Even if you kissed me last time. I know you didn’t mean it like that. That’s why you left, right? Because you thought I was going to get sentimental about it. Well… I did. Cried myself to sleep in fact. You may have broken that rule first but I broke the most important rule long before we started this.” you kept going and now… Now he was also holding back tears, realizing this is not just the end of the deal. It’s the end of you two.
“I don’t blame you for any of it. In fact, you gave me plenty of options to back out. But I was greedy. I wanted to know what it was like. To be with you. Even if it was pretend, even if none of it was ever real. I wanted to feel it. What the ones good enough for you felt before me and what others will in the future. I needed to know. Even if now I am hurting and will keep hurting for a long time… Maybe for the rest of my life.” 
You were done. Now, the worst part came. You were about to give him an out and you knew he was going to take it but you had to know. You had to be sure.
“I know this is a lot to take in and I know you probably feel blindsided and overwhelmed. But I also know your answer. I just needed you to hear my side. Now that you have, it’s time to make your choice. Stay here and talk to me about this, which means giving us a chance. Or leave, without saying a word. Without looking back, like you did the last time we saw each other. And I’ll know for sure.”
He started to move.
“Before you make your decision though, know that whatever decision you make is final. There will be no regrets. No reconnecting in a few years when you think enough time has passed. If you walk out. We are done. Our paths will never converge or cross again. I love you Jeonghan. But I have to love myself more.”
He nodded. Audibly gulped. And then did what you were already expecting from him.
He left.
He left you.
Just as abruptly as it started, it had now ended. 
Not just the deal, no.
Everything.
You knew. You knew this would be his choice but why did it still fucking hurt this much.
There will never be another Jeonghan in your life. He was everything to you, even now. While you are crying and tearing pictures apart. You know.
Life as you know it was done. You will have to carry on with a broken heart that will never be healed.
But you are proud of yourself. You spent so much of your life choosing others over yourself and today, you chose yourself.
Eventually, the broken heart won’t be as loud. Time will help. You will still hurt, always for him but you will be better. You will be yourself again just with a few more scars.
As for Jeonghan… He also knew.
He knew there will never be another you.
He knew that night when he left. He doesn’t kiss anyone accidentally. No, he learned that the hard way a long time ago. He had wanted to kiss you. And not just that night. All the other times before then too.
He told himself it was the sex. It was just too good. It was clouding his judgment.
He didn’t have feelings for you, not at all. It just wasn’t possible. Not after all these years. Right? Or did he.. Always feel this way? Was that why he acted the way he did and jumped at the first opportunity to have you in his bed? 
He knew. Finally.
He also knows now you will never forgive him. The pinky promise had finally been broken.
He will have to settle. All his worries about the future. About dating only the right people. People worthy of him. Everything makes sense now.
Most people were not worthy of him only after he met you. You showed him what love was from the start and no one could measure up.
It’s too late now.
And besides, he’s the one that was never worthy of you. Never once. And he never will be.
Please let me know if you’d like a part 2 of this. I am a happy endings fan so I might be down to write it if you guys want it too so please reach out and let me know! And let me know if you liked it please CHEERS 🥂
PS: You can find part 2 here
2K notes · View notes
fallingdownhell · 6 months
Note
i love your recent posts but can i request hurt/comfort genshin impact xiao, wanderer, cyno where like they get into an argument about the reader being weak or something like that
although they didn't mean it, but after a few days after the argument, they see reader like training hard for them because of the fight.
<3
Mhh, always. You know I love me a good dose of angst! And I'm sorry, but I only included two of the requested characters, because otherwise this would haven gotten way too out of hand and too much to read. Hope you're okay with that.
Characters Included: Xiao; Wanderer
Content: gender neutral reader; angst; comfort; hurt/comfort; established relationship; arguments between them and reader; shouting and cursing at reader in wanderer's scenario; Kunikuzushi/Kuni is being used for Wanderer
Word count: 2,2k words
Enjoy the read!
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Xiao
You have to understand him. He's just looking out for you!
There is a clear, natural difference in strength between you and him!
He's an adeptus after all, and you're just a human! Sure, you possess a vision and you know perfectly well how to utilize it to your advantage in battle, but he's still your boyfriend! Let him be worried about you!
Honestly, he really just had your best interest and saftey in mind when he approached you one day, offering to train with you and possibly make you stronger, since he noticed your form to be a bit lacking when he watched you train.
The problem was, he told you exactly what he was thinking, no filter whatsoever. Which in turn caused you to get a bit defensive with him. That didn't sit right with Xiao, because in his eyes, he was only trying to help you.
This then resulted in a huge argument, where neither of you wanted to back down against the other.
"(Name), for the love of the Archons. Can't you see I'm only trying to help you here?"
"By berating me and telling me all the things I'm doing wrong? Without offering any advise at all? Yeah, great help.", you scoff as you turn your back to your boyfriend, trying to resume your exercise in peace. You were hoping that he would get the hint, to leave you alone. But he didn't.
"I'm really only looking out for you. You lack basic knowledge with the sword and you lack stamina as well. You're moving around too much, you make so many unnecassary movements. The hold you have on your weapon is too loose. Anyone could easily knock it out of your hand. Also-!"
"Okay! I got it!", you suddenly burst out as Xiao keeps on listing the things you're doing wrong in his eyes. It not only frustrated you, but it also made you feel so inferior.. to him and basically everyone else. You know that everyone starts out at some point. Everyone has to learn from the beginning. So why is he being so mean to you? Shouldn't he be more supporting of you as your boyfriend?
"I get it. You've made your point very clear."
You speak again, while Xiao just stares at you, mouth still hanging open. He didn't expect for you to raise your voice like this. You were usually so soft spoken.
You stared into each others eyes for a few more seconds, before you let out a sigh and placed your sword back into its sheat.
"I'm going home.", you announce as you go to grab your stuff. You collect everything and put it in your back, leaving without taking another look at him.
Suddenly, Xiao got the feeling that he made a huge mistake. Not only by "helping" you out with your training, but also as he let you go like this without having a talk with you, but something told him to let you be for the time being.
.....
Well... did he regret letting you just go like that. It has been almost a week since he last saw you, because you refused to call his name like you usually did on a daily basis.
And he was afraid of seeking you out himself, since he feared to only further sour your mood with an unannounced visit from his side. But he wanted to see you again so badly...
When the one week mark was reached without hearing anything from you, Xiao has had enough. He needed to make sure that you were okay. He was certain you would have called his name if you were in mortal danger, despite the argument at hand, but it's better to be safe than sorry. He needed to know you were still alive..
So, he teleported to your home, waiting for a few seconds in front of the door, gathering courage, before knocking on the door. He waited and waited, but nothing happened. He knocked again, but still nothing.
Xiao was about to leave again, scolding himself in his head, because of course you wouldn't open, you obviously didn't want to see him right now, when he heard noises coming from a bit further away.
Deciding to investigate, he followed the noises. And what he saw did shock him a bit..
He saw you, standing in a circle of training dummys, practicing different moves and tactics. He could tell that your hold on the blade has gotten better over the week you have been apart. In fact, everything he had critiqued about your skills seems to have improved...
Have you been training relentlessly this entire time??
This made him feel even more bad about this entire argument. He wanted to help you, not make you overexert yourself like this, just to prove something to him..
Deciding that it was finally time to talk, he approached you. You heard the footsteps coming your direction and turned towards them. Surprised to see Xiao there, you stopped in the middle of your session, facing him.
It was quiet for a few seconds as he arrived in front of you, and when you couldn't take it anymore, you decided to speak up again.
"What? Here to berate me even more?" It sounded way more sarcastic and hurtful than you had intended it to, and you saw Xiao flinch the slightest bit at your words, but you didn't back down from them.
"No..", Xiao answered weakly.
"I'm here to apologize." His words left you surprised, not expecting this at all.
"I didn't realize how much my words were hurting you. That was never my intention, (Name). I.. I'm just worried about you. There is a clear difference in skill, after all, but I shouldn't have been like this to you. I sincerely apologize for the way I treated you."
You have been with Xiao long enough to know two things. First, he was being completely honest with you. You could tell by the tone in his voice and the way he tried to look into your eyes, while also trying to avoid them at the same time, feeling embarrassed about being this vulnerable with someone.
Second, you knew just how hard it was for him to be honest and vulnerable with you. Saying this must have caused so much for him to do, yet he did it anyway.. for you.
For a second, you stood there and stared at him, before sighing and walking over to him, wrapping your arms around his body in a warm, comfortable hug. He did not hesitate for a second before doing the same, having missed this feeling dearly for the past week.
"I don't mind you helping me or giving me advise.. but maybe don't be so brash and insulting about it. Okay?"
He nodded, promising you to be more careful with his words from now on.
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Wanderer
You sighed with relief as the Ruin guard in front of you collapsed and shattered into its parts, the cut on your side hurting a bit when you breathed, but it wasn't bleeding too bad, so the wound must not be too bad, either.
You were usually not that easy to surprise, but for some reason, you overlooked that particular ancient machine, resulting in it getting a hit on you before it was taken down.
Though, you were not the one responsible for taking it down. The actual reason was flying in from behind it, your boyfriend, Kuni. And while you were smiling at him, wanting to thank him for his help, he had a scowl on your face as he landed in front of you.
"What the hell were you thinking, Idiot? You would be dead now if it weren't for me being here!", he shouted as soon as he landed, not letting you get a word in.
You were taken aback by his harsh words and tone, staring at him, which only made him even more agitated.
"The hell? You don't even have an excuse! How can you be so fucking careless? I know you're weak but I wouldn't have thought of you being this stupid as well!"
You heard each and every single one of his words, and they all stung right in your chest. You were aware of the difference in power between you two, but that didn't mean you were incompetent with your polearm. You've trained long and hard to get to the point where you are now, and you were proud of yourself for it.
When you looked into his eyes again, you could see a bit of shock behind them, like he was surprised himself that the words actually left his lips.
You waited a few seconds, to see if he would apologize to you or take them back, but nothing came. Kuni's pride hindered him from doing the right thing..
"I see. If that's what you think of me, I won't be in your way again."
The words sounded cold when they left your lips, and Kunikuzushi flinched ever so slightly when hearing them, but you didn't react to it. Instead, you turned and walked away from him without acknowledging his presence any longer.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing? Where are you going?", he shouted after you, but no response. Then, he chased after you, but when he noticed that you were still ignoring him, he gave up on it, figuring that it would be best to leave you alone for the time being.
Surely, you would come crawling back to him soon enough... right?
....
....
Two weeks.
The incident has happened two weeks ago. And for those two weeks, he did not hear or see anything of you, whatsoever.
He was so sure that you wouldn't even survive a week without him before coming back and apologizing, but it seemed like he was wrong this time.
And he hated to admit this, even to himself, but.. he missed you. Missed your stupid, cheerful smile, your laugh and the way you always made his day better, just by spending time with him.
After about a week and a half, he began to think, that maybe, this time, he was actually the one in the wrong. That maybe, he took it too far with his words this time around.
Maybe.. he should be the one to apologize to you.
And yet, it took him a few more days to overcome his stupidly high pride and actually follow through with his thoughts.
Nahida, who knew all about the situation from Kuni himself, smiled and nodded proudly as the puppet went to leave the Sanctuary of Surasthana.
He first searched for you at your home, but you couldn't be found there. Then, he went on a stroll through the city, hoping to run into you along the way, but that too, proofed to be without success.
His last hope was the adventurers guild, and that someone hopefully has seen you there.
And luck was on his side this time, as some other members told him about how you have constantly been taking commission after commission for the past few days.
Feeling his worries for you rise again, he went to the locations given to him, hoping to find you there.
About an hour or so later, he spotted you at the location of the third commission you took, standing next to a defeated ruin drake while facing another one head on.
He had half a mind to rush over and take care of it for you, but something in him told him to let you handle it yourself. So he watched with bated breath as you easily took care of the machine, letting it fall to the ground while you remained completely unharmed.
That's when he really realized what his words might have caused for you. You are by no means a sheltered human, you're capable of defending yourself, and very well so.
As you were checking the defeated drakes for useful stuff, he came out of his 'hiding spot', walking directly to you. You noticed him approaching but chose to ignore him still. In fact, you've noticed his presence in the middle of the fight, but decided not to call him out and see what he would do.
When he arrived, he just stood next to you in silence for a while, watching you. But when you still wouldn't acknowledge him, he decided to speak up.
"(Name)... I... I'm sorry..", he mumbled quietly. He felt embarrassed, not used to acting like the bigger person, but he was in the wrong here, so he had to do this, no matter what.
The words out of Kuni's mouth caught you by surprise, your head swirling around to look at him, finally.
Kunikuzushi didn't know what else to say right now, so he stayed silent, hoping you would understand how difficult this was for him right now.
"..I'm not weak.", you answered him quietly as well, fully facing him now, but your posture and tone seemed a bit more open and calmer now.
"..I know."
He may not be the best with words, but somehow, you always understood what he wanted to say, anyways. It has always been this way between you. It was one of the many things he loved so much about you.
And that's how it was this time, too. He quietly thanked the Gods when he pulled you into his arms again, holding you for the first time in what had felt like an eternity.
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(simon is originally like 6'4-6'5 but i made him about 6'10 for this hehe)
(size difference part 1)
older!ghost x inexperienced!reader where there is a big size/height difference between the two of you. you two have been dating for five months already and more than anything you both want to have sex with each other but ghost is hesitant.
one night you two were indulging in a heavy makeout session. you were seated in his lap, his scent hugging your body like his big arms wrapping around you as he pawed at u. tongues licking and and mouths sucking at each other. u felt warm n mushy on the inside, ur core throbbing as u pressed down onto his clothed, hard cock that made you shiver. if you were to look at yourself in the mirror your hair would be messy from simon's large hands running through your locks, lips kiss-bruised and hickeys littering your neck.
you kiss him before pulling away, blushing at the way the older man tries to follow your lips with his before he opens his eyes, running his strong, tattooed hands along your back then the sides of your torso.
"s-simon?" you squeak out, your small hands gently gripping onto his biceps.
simon gently kisses your lips, a small grunt sounding from his when you move forward on his erection accidentally. "yes?"
his deep, gruff voice makes you tremble with want.
your back arches a bit as he moves you even closer to him on his lap, giving you a slow, sloppy kiss as you whine softly.
"i-i--" you have a difficult time finding your words as simon squeezes your hips then smooths over the slight sting with his palm. he kisses you again, humming in acknowledgement. butterflies swarm your whole entire body--all the way to your fingertips.
he was so...big. you needed him so badly. you could feel your cunt sopping and thrumming with desire.
"'m ready.." you whisper against his lips.
"ready for...?" he asks, kissing from your lips to the corner of ur mouth down to your neck before suckingly firmly. you weave your manicured fingers through his soft hair as he sucks, his arms wrapped around your lower back bringing you closer to him as you whimper.
you swallow, biting your lower lip--eyebrows pinched upwards as ur brain gets more fuzzy. simon kisses his way back up to your lips, ur hips subtely dragging slowly on his meaty thighs and lap.
"w-want u.." u blush. you felt so flustered talking about wanting to have sex with him. or wanting to have sex in general. it took six weeks for you to feel comfortable making out with him. not because you were afraid of him, but because you had never done anything like that with anyone before.
"baby.." he kisses the corner of your mouth gently before pulling away from your lips a bit. his voice is soft and so sweet, your body feeling warmer. his left hand combs through your hair. "haven't even got ya prepared, yet.." u lean forward, pressing your lips to his before pulling away slightly.
"what do ya mean?" you ask, confusion lacing your features.
simon can tell he's gonna need to spell it out for you in order for you to get what he's saying.
"well, it's just that," he thinks for a second, running his thumb against the fat of your lower lip. "y'know, 'm a lot bigger than you.."
you blush.
your height difference was something you fucking loved. he was about 6'10 and you were..well, no where near that.
you lace your fingers with his, watching how his hand dwarfs yours completely. you kiss his knuckle gently.
"'s okay if you don't wanna do it with me.." your words are sad, and far, far, far from the truth.
he's been fantansizing about fucking you since he met you. the way he would make you feel better than anyone else has ever made you feel. he wanted to treat you right. fuck you until you saw stars, the moon, and everything above.
"aw, princess.." he kisses you again. "y'know that's not true..wanna be with you.. wanna be inside ya so fucking badly," his words make you feel hot. "just that, well, you're the smallest 've ever been with..don't wanna hurt ya."
you slowly kiss him, ur body trembling slightly. "don't care if you hurt me, j-just want you, please.."
the only thing you two had done was kiss and dry hump until you got too embarrassed to finish (simon didn't have that problem).
simon chuckles against your lips, moving so your below him on the bed. "well, i care, sweet girl..want you to feel good," he thinks for a moment, and you kitten lick his lips before massaging your tongues together. "maybe we could do somethin' else for right now if you're okay with it. get you ready.." he kisses from your mouth down to your neck, sucking. he shifts his position a bit. your thighs open a bit automatically.
he raises your shirt from your belly right before leaving small, soft, kisses on your skin. you giggle rubbing your right, sock-cladded calf along the side of his body bashfully. simon smiles, his hands running along the sides of your torso.
"want me to eat this pretty pussy? been thinkin' about tastin' you since i saw ya."
his blunt words and deep drawl make your bottom lip find its way sucked into your mouth right before you gently chew on it.
"hm?" he asks again, dragging your shirt up and off your body, leaving you in a cute pink bra, your thigh high socks on along with your navy blue pleated skirt and matching pink underwear with a tiny bow at the top.
you nod, grabbing a hold of your pink stuffed rabbit ghost bought for you one day when you were sad.
"y-yes please.."
"yeah?" he smirks a bit, and you can feel how your whole body buzzes with want.
you've never wanted someone more. your brain goes numb.
simon sees how you tug onto your bra, trying to almost rip it off. he can see the way your mind so badly wants to shut off.
"'s okay, love, i gotcha.." he lifts your back up a bit, snapping your bra off as your tits fall out, nipples hard and aching to be touched.
simon was normally an ass man, but god, he loved the way you trembled when he ran his fingers over your pert nipples, rubbing his thumbs on them as you whine and whimper.
"p-pretty please, si, need you.." your voice was soft, eyes closed as u practically drooled onto your stuffie.
"always so good," he murmurs, dragging your skirt down. his eyes fall to the big wet patch on your panties as you whine. he runs his thumb over it before getting too greedy and dragging them down your legs, discarding them on the ground.
fuck, you look so beautiful.
"gonna fuck this pretty cunt one day, sweetie..jus' gotta getcha ready, mk?"
you nod, watching the way simon's back and shoulders flex as he blows a small gust of air from his lips onto your fat button.
you whine loudly, your hips twitching.
"shh.." he shushes, kissing the insides of your thighs.
he plants a small kiss on your cunt, and you whine again.
"behave, princess..gotta take my time. been dreamin' about this."
his eyes pool with a dark shadow of lust as he slowly licks his way from the bottom of your wet cunt up to your clit, circling his tongue as you moan softly.
his hands make their way up to your breasts as they tug and pull on your pebbled nipples, your mouth dropping open as you feel overwhelmed with want.
you gently hump against his mouth as he fucks his tongue into you, squirming a bit as he opens your thighs wider, his right hand petting your socked knee.
he takes your stuffie from your hands, rubbing your nipples with its fur as he suckles on your clit, slobbering onto your cunt, your wetness dripping onto his bed.
lewd, wet sounds fill the air as your cunt pounds-- small gasps bouncing off of the walls as your moans get higher and more needy. simon's mouth harshly sucking on your engorged button, grappeling at your tits before you suddenly gush into his mouth, rubbing against his face as you cry, coming down as your boyfriend drinks down your nectar.
your brain is all mushy, all you can think about is what he's gonna do next..right before simon's arms engulf your body as he kisses you gently, sleep taking you under.
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multific · 5 months
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Injury
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Astarion x Reader
Summary: Astarion has a strong affection towards you, so when you get badly hurt during a mission, he is mad.
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You woke to his yelling.
He was angry, perhaps beyond angry.
You heard him yelling and even stomping his feet. The others were dead silent. You assumed no one dared to speak up to the very annoyed vampire.
You were hurt, you went out with the team, assuring your Lover that you would be okay, but due to some unforeseen circumstances, you were hurt rather badly.
He was on his way back to your camp when he smelled the blood. Too much blood for his liking.
And he knew that sweet tint, a signature if you will, to confirm that indeed, the blood was yours.
And he saw red.
He stormed in and demanded an explanation.
You were badly cut during a surprise attack from a goblin. A cut deep and painful.
They tried to heal you with any potion, or magic they had but all failed. It was believed the sword which cut you was of a special material.
So, you were bound to bed.
And not long after you fell asleep, you heard the yells of your Love. He was angry and rightfully so.
You wanted to call out to him, tell him to come to you and hug you, help you sleep, but you couldn't, you were too weak.
Soon, you heard the entrance of the tent being moved and a warm presence filled your room.
You felt already a lot better.
And when your eyes met Astarion's beautiful ones, you moved your hand for him to hold. He sat down next to you on the floor and held your hand gently.
"My Darling, I am so sorry. How are you feeling?"
"My head hurts." you replied weakly.
"I smelled the blood... I was so scared, Love."
"I'm so sorry for making you worry." 
"Then never leave my side ever again." you wanted to laugh but your side hurt too bad, so you only smiled.
"It will leave a scar." you let out a sigh.
"A scar is the last thing I worry about. Your well-being is much more important." he leaned over and placed a kiss on your forehead. "I'll let you sleep now."
"Don't leave." you said as you grabbed his sleeve. 
"I'm not going to. I'll stay here with you, I just think you should sleep." you watched as he got into more comfortable clothing, which for him means only a pair of pants and he soon laid down beside you.
You slowly moved closer to him as your back met with his front and his arms moved to hold you even closer.
"I promise, I will never go out without you. It was stupid and I nearly died. I don't want to die." you felt his hand shake a little upon your confession.
"I don't want you to die either, My Sweet." there was a moment of silence, during which you felt as if he wanted to say something more. "I told you I would be able to turn you."
"I don't have enough blood in me to have this conversation, Astarion. And we talked about this before."
"I know. I'm just scared to lose you."
"I'm too stubborn to die, you know that." you felt him smile into your neck.
"Sleep now." he said and you had no objections.
Maybe one day, you will become a vampire. Maybe one day, you can make the promise of forever to each other and truly mean forever.
But you weren't ready just yet.
And until the day comes, you are going to enjoy every second with him. Because even if you are injured due to your own fault, he still held onto you so sweetly, he still kissed your hair with such admiration and love.
You were going to enjoy every second for now, before your forever with him starts.
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If it is okay, may I please request a headcannon of MC being found badly injured by Ace, Lilia, Trey, Floyd, and Jamil? I really love these characters so much! And angst, too.
Ace Trappola:
Ace had a hard time keeping the panic from showing on his face, hands hovering over you like he was afraid to touch you. What if he hurt you more? He’d never claimed to have a healing touch but even now he knows there’s not much worse he could do other than finishing the job, a thought that proceeds to make him sick to his stomach. There’s another feeling burning deep in his gut, a rage only held back by the initial shock of seeing you in such a state and trying to process what to do from there. Your safety was at the forefront of his mind, getting you straight to a person who can heal you, even if every other instinct of his wanted to get even with the person who hurt you first.
Floyd Leech:
Though Floyd is not your enemy, you can’t help but feel uneasy as he approached. He’s not really glaring at you but past you, like there was a general barking orders at him that he had no intention of following. He hadn’t said much since he found you, another oddity as he wasn’t generally the quietest. You don’t think he’s ever handle you so gently before as he scooped you up, changing his pace or repositioning you carefully each time you winced or whimpered in pain. The first thing on his mind was returning you to safety, but once you were… He asked with an eerie calmness if you could give details on your assailant, even if it was more than one person, because he fully intended to pay them all back double (and Sevens help whoever tried to stand in his way).
Jamil Viper:
Jamil hadn’t quite gathered himself together, priding himself on analyzing situations, on predicting outcomes, and yet your interference had always been a variable he forgot to account for. Just like in his life, he had never expected you to come crashing in nor had he expected you to make a home beside him. He thought you were crazy for seeing any value in a relationship with him but he supposed you had your uses, hiding behind the shadow of a manipulator despite how truly grateful he was for your presence. Now he’s confronted with that, life spitting in his face again, demanding that he beg on his hands and knees, grovel, to assure that you survived your injuries. He knew the basics of healing, knew how to clean wounds and to dress them properly, but he had to hope mentally you had the strength to pull through for him. He hoped you could hear him begging for forgiveness, a promise to treat your relationship more seriously if you just came back to him.
Lilia Vanrouge:
Lilia’s always been good at wearing a mask, showcasing a playful smirk or firing off witty flirtations in moments that don’t necessarily fit the mood. But he feels a bit of the façade crack when he sees you in such dire straits, clinging to the last bit of calm he possessed as it tried to slip right through his fingers. It’s not that he’s scared, his battlefield experience allowed him to determine your status with a quick glance, but he felt a deep-seated fury building inside him. He remembered being pulled away from someone important before in a drastic, life-changing moment, unable to protect—fight by their side as he was meant to, and it seemed that same crossroads was appearing before him again. He had been forced into one choice for the sake of Briar Valley before but there are no such forces present now. He kneeled by your side, making a serious face you’re not quite used to seeing on him as he promised he wouldn’t let the culprit touch a hair on your head ever again.
Trey Clover:
Trey is used to keeping his cool under any circumstance, having to be the level-headed vice dorm leader had brought him many days of experiencing pressure to assure emotions didn’t boil over. Yet none of that training matters now when he saw your blood-soaked clothes, his heart skipping a beat until he realized you were still breathing. He tried to talk to you, offering soothing words, promising he’d get you to someone who could help soon. There’s a bitter taste in his mouth as he knew he likely wouldn’t have the chance to get his hands on the person who hurt you, biting down on his lip so hard it began to bleed, but he couldn’t voice his frustrations now to a person who was in a much worse state than he was. And he didn’t think he ever would, letting his anger fester deep in his chest until he had a moment alone to dispel it.
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Slashers when their s/o is REALLY touchy.
Contains: Thomas hewitt,brahms heelshire, Billy lenz, bo sinclair, vincent sinclair & Lester sinclair
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Thomas hewitt
Tommy adores it when you just wanna latch onto him and never let go but he does have things to do and so do you!
He's always in bed after you so you as soon as he sits on the bed you surprise hug him from behind and he just accepts it lol. You stay like that for a bit before you realise he's actually dosing off.
One time when it was a stressful day and the texas heat was getting to Tommy. You wanted to just smother him with hugs but when you went in for one he snapped and shrugged you off, huffing. I mean you were hurt but you let it go and went back inside , Tommy realised what he had done and went after you and for the rest of the day you were hand in hand
He likes it when at the dinner table your hand finds it way onto his thigh and you look up into his eyes with a smile full of love. He loves you so much!!!!
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Brahms heelshire
Well isn't that fantastic because he's also extremely touchy!!
Your going back and fourth, your hands on his hair? Well his hands are on your waist! There is never a moment when you two arent touching
One time you yelled at him for being so childish and he sulked into the walls and didn't come out. You layed in bed hugging a pillow trying to picture it as him but you just couldn't so you gave up. You found yourself walking into the kitchen to find brahms sat at the table eating some toast. "Brahms can you come to bed with me? I can't sleep without you..." you sheepishly said. He stood abruptly and walkedover to you hugging you tightly. You both said sorry and cuddle eachother up in bed. Getting tangled in each other.
So basically what I'm saying is that you two are glued by the hip.
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Billy lenz
He appreciates the physical affection. Like EXTREMELY, for example if you pat his shoulder he would cream is pants..... that's how touch starved my man is.
He's pretty aggressive and doesn't realise he's squeezing you instead of just a nice hug. You have to show him the ways and hekk soon get it.
When the sorority girls are out and your the only one left inside the house you listen carefully for the attic to open and a giggly man to appear at your door. He's like a cat,he'll curl up in your lap and lays there while you pet him.
He does unfortunately makes everything sexual, if your on your bed ontop of him he will thrust up into you trying to get some sort of relief.
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Bo sinclair
He does tense when he is touched. He just doesn't know when your being genuine. You can understand why he reacts badly to physical touch.
He likes it when he's sitting on the couch and you plant yourself on his lap and start to play with his hair. He leans into you while your doing this.
He's not as touchy so when you start climbing all over him he does get frustrated. He's his own person and needs space too.
But at night he does enjoy being the big spoon, wrapping his arms around you and chuckling to himself when he feels you fidgeting with his hands. He just can't deny your cuteness.
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Vincent sinclair
Similar to his brother. He needs space especially when he's working. He doesn't want hot wax to spill onto his partners soft delicate skin! But when he isn't doing anything he's busy holding your hand and letting you drag him along.
When you can't help yourself and just want to stick to him while he's working he does allow it only if your behind him. He does shrug you off when he's got to focus on something or when your getting too touchy.
I mean hes a bit brain dead, he doesn't know what's the difference between just wanting a hug and wanting to do more than that but when your hands start pressing against certain parts of his body he starts to catch on and drops everything.
He won't really admit it but he really enjoys being little spoon he likes it when you press yourself against him and sit your head on top of his. Plus it's a bonus for you! Because he can't escape your grasp at night and go over work himself.
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Lester sinclair
Bros a pretty princess, he loves your hands on him. When he's luring talking to some city folks your next to him holding his hand tightly, hiding yourself into his side.
You and Jonesy shower this handsome boy with kisses and you continue doing this for the rest of day.
He doesn't like it when your near the roadkill pit. He doesn't want you slipping and going in!
At night he lovessss cuddles, he likes digging his face into your chest. Ofc jonesy is included x
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pls request! I do appreciate it and it gives me a challenge:)
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luveline · 7 months
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i see ur thinking abt the marauders and i was just thinking abt them too!! i just saw a thread on twt abt how much men hate their girlfriends but wont break up with them (😖😖) and couldn't stop thinking abt how james would be so BAFFLED reading it!! would you be able to write something for that? its perfectly fine if not!! ily <33
I luv you! I'm not sure what thread you mean but I made a guess, sorry if it's not right ♡ fem, 1k
modern au. cw mention of toxic/hurtful relationships
"What is that?" James asks, pushing the sheets back as he climbs in beside you. His bowl of cereal is heaping, upwards of ten weetabix doused in milk, sugar, raspberries, blueberries, and a generous squeeze of honey.
"What?" you ask, showing him your phone screen. 
James leans over you to scroll back up. "Men who hate their girlfriends?" 
"Oh, it's like, people posting their screenshots, I think." You click on the tweet he'd been pointing at and show him the replies underneath. "It's just boys who act like they don't love their partners but won't break up with them either, there's loads on there." 
"What?" he asks, holding his bowl in one hand. "Can I?" You give him your phone happily, watching as he reads through some of the examples, screenshots from different websites and forums. "'Recently had to tell a friend's bird that he was calling her all sorts of names. I'm loyal to my friends, but you could hear the hatred in his voice sometimes. She left him two days later and he was surprised, for some reason.'"
James' eyebrows pinch. He continues, "'Am I in the wrong for asking my husband to stay awake with me during my early morning labour? He keeps bringing it up.'" James shows you your phone screen. "Like, he's mad she didn't let him sleep through the birth of their child?" 
"You know, there was a video on there a few weeks ago where a girl had put together a compilation of her boyfriend play fighting with her, and each video got nastier and nastier." You reach for the spoon to his bowl to start chopping up the weetabix the way he likes. "He was kicking her legs from under her and she was laughing it off. Once or twice, I'd think it was funny, but he wasn't even laughing himself." 
"Why the fuck?" James asks. 
"I don't know. Can I have a raspberry?" 
"They're in there for you to steal…" James watches you chew. You try not to pay too much attention to his staring, plopping your phone down in the sheets between your legs. "Why are these boys getting with women they don't like?" 
"I don't know, Jamie," you tell him honestly, wading through his bowl for another raspberry. "I think they get comfortable." 
He accepts the spoon back from you and you slouch down the fabric headboard together. James eats his weetabix slowly, the TV sending a light blue light into your otherwise dark room. "It's a bit late for supper," you murmur. "Were you hungry?" 
James puts his bowl on the nightstand. Coils of curls brush your forehead as he leans down, one big hand on the back of your neck and the other stretched across the shoulder furthest away from him, holding you in place as he kisses the top of your head. It's a weighty kiss, full of love. "I love you. Don't ever let anyone treat you like those boys on your phone, yeah?" 
You hum lightly. "That's what boys are like." 
"I know. I'm just begging you not to let people do that to you." He rubs your shoulder roughly, a massaging that hurts in the good way. "You know, if you can. I get that it's not their choice." 
"Yeah. I think people want so badly to be loved that they'll take the pretend kind. I was lucky to find you before you found someone else. You always make me happy." 
"This is what I mean," he whines, resting his cheek on your forehead. You sigh happily at his touch, more than ready for a night of his arms around you, a heavy leg thrown over your hips to lock you in. "You think you're lucky because of those dickheads." 
"No, it doesn't have anything to do with them. Just you." 
James sits up to turn your face to his. "Love you," he says, kissing you quickly. 
"Love you too. Don't stress about the phone, babe, you're not the audience they're looking for." 
James hears your teasing tone toward the end, poking your side. "What's that for?" 
"Nothing, just, you tried to follow me into the bathroom last night even when I told you I wasn't showering. If you're that eager to sit with me while I pee, I doubt you'll be the kind of guy who ends up on that forum." 
"It wasn't about the peeing, stop trying to shame me," he grumbles, again pulling you in for a hug, "it was separation anxiety. I miss you."
"I get why these women end up like that, though," you say quietly. "I get why they stay. If you started shoving me for a laugh or whatever, I'd think about this, because you love me. Does that make sense? I'm so happy right now that I wouldn't want to believe that you didn't love me anymore." 
"I know. It's fucking sad. I can't believe they do shit like that, it's pure selfishness." James settles back in his pillow. "I wouldn't ever do that shit to you. I know everyone says that, but I have to say it anyway." 
"I know, Jamie. Don't worry. I'm not worried about it, only talking." 
You offer him your hand. James takes it, rubs the back of it, brings it to his lips for a barely felt kiss. "Is there anything happy on that app?" he asks. 
"Uh, I saw a video of a baby girl who only stops crying when her cat comes to check on her. Or a pregnancy reveal where the boyfriend starts crying and begging her to get married." 
James rests his face on your shoulder, snuffling into your skin contentedly, "Ah, so my future. Put it on, angel." 
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darknights04 · 1 year
Text
Sensing You
Pairings: Ominis Gaunt x reader
Summary: You and Ominis have been friends for as long as you've been at Hogwarts. He's felt more for you for almost just as long. He's never thought about telling you, but that was until the new fifth year put you in great danger.
Warnings: Spoils for Hogwarts Legacy (obviously), pain, cruciatus curse, unedited, not proof read. Reader is not mc
Masterlist
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When it came to you, Ominis was no stranger to the idea of the long game. You, Ominis, Sebastian, and Anne had been friends for as long as you could all remember. Ominis has had a crush on you for almost just as long. It was worst this year. With Anne staying home all your attention was turned to the two boys. Usually you would turn to Anne some days and have girl time between the two of you. Now, Ominis had nothing but time to grow more and more infatuated with you. 
Ever since the new fifth year beat him in a duel, Sebastian had been mostly with them, giving you and Ominis even more time alone together. It was driving him crazy. Every time you laughed in the way that he loved, rested your chin on his shoulder to look at what we was doing, leaned your arm against his to whisper something during class. He had to hold himself back so he didn’t just grab you and slam his lips onto yours. One of the only parts of you he has yet to be able to identify. As children you would play games, Ominis feeling all of his friends’ faces and guess who was who, so he knew the general idea of what your face looked like. But your lips was a mystery to him. A mystery he badly wanted solved. 
Today, you were sitting with Ominis in a corridor near the slytherin common room. You had spent most of the day trying to cheer him up after Sebastian repeatedly would bother him about Salazar Slytherin’s Sciptorium. You knew that he wanted nothing to do with dark magic after the hold it has had no his family for generations. Sure, Ominis had been exaggerating his hurt feelings just a bit, but if all it took was a little pouting to get you this close to him, then you best believe he was about to win an oscar for this performance. 
“He just doesn’t understand how dangerous it is!” he complained with a dramitic sigh, smiling internally due to the hand you had running soothing circles across his back.
“He’s just trying to do anything he can to help Anne,” you replied, wanting to defend him. 
“I know. I don’t like seeing Anne suffer either, same as you. But I know where this path leads, and it’s never a good place.”
Ominis’s internal smile fell as he heard you greet the new student Sebastian had befriended. 
“What are you doing here?” He asked them with a small scoff.
That scoff, of course, resulting in a small smack on the shoulder from you, muttering a small “Manners,” in his ear. Ominis rolled his eyes, but the smile he had inside, reserve just for you, came back once more. 
“Do you have a moment?” the new student spoke up. 
Ominis didn’t want to, but he heard them out. After lying about Sebastian showing them the undercroft, Ominis has been wary about this student. Even so, he was feeling at ease due to your presence, and in turn agreed to show them where Salazar’s Scriptorum was located. 
“I hope we don’t regret this,” he said with a sigh as he revealed how to access the door. 
“We’ve just been sitting outside of it?” you asked with a chuckle, noticing you didn’t have to even move to be at the door. 
Ominis shrugged, his internal smile showing through just a bit on the outside. “It was the first place I thought of.” 
“First place you thought of to go and complain about the scriptorium?” 
“Precisely.” 
Before any of you knew it, Sebastian and his new friend had opened the door, ushering each other inside. 
“I just hope we’re ready for this,” Ominis continued to sigh. 
“We’ll be fine,” you tried to reassure. 
“We?” Ominis had repeated. “You’re not coming.” 
“What? Ominis you can’t possibly expect me to stay behind.”
“I don’t want you getting hurt.”
“If you’re going, I’m going,” was all you said, standing your ground. 
“Y/n…” he had tried to coax. You didn’t say anything, hands finding their way to your hips. Ominis sighed. He knew you were stubborn, so he also knew there was no talking you out of this. “Fine.” 
Your stubborn glare quickly faded into a cheek to cheek grin as you almost skipped next to Ominis, linking your arms together before making your way into the door, following behind Sebastian and the fifth-year who had already found their way inside. 
Not that you would ever admit it, but hearing Ominis speak Parsetounge did something to you. Yes, the language often ties a witch or wizard to dark magic, and for Ominis it serves only as a reminder to his family, but that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate how attractive it was when he spoke it. 
“It worked!” the fifth year spoke as the door opened. “Ominis, you possess a rare ability indeed.” 
“It’s nothing,” he brushed off, retreating back towards you and linking your arms once more. 
“Truly,” you agreed. “It’s fascinating.”
If you weren’t near positive that Ominis would never think about you in a romantic way whatsoever, you would have sword you saw a small tinge of red grace his cheeks at your comment. But it was probably just the lighting. 
Once the door was open, the other two were fast to start figuring out the puzzles and the maze in order to get through the scriptorium. You and Ominis had stayed behind. Ominis wanted nothing to do with this, his job was just to open the door. You were curious about the area, yes, but Ominis was more important. You wanted to make sure he was okay. Usually throughout the days he would have plenty of distraction from his family and their legacy. But now? In the heart of Salazar Slytherin’s Scriptorium? All that surrounded him were reminders. 
As the doors opened one by one, you all moved further and further until you reached a black door. 
“Looks troubling,” was all Sebastian had said. 
Ominis scoffed. “This whole place is troubling.” 
As the other two went into the strange room, you didn’t budge. As Ominis was stopped from the firm grasp you still had on him, he turned towards you confused. 
“I don’t like the looks of this room,” you whispered. “I have a bad feeling about it.” 
“So do I,” he responded,his hand finding the top of yours to comfort you. “But for my aunt’s sake, we cannot stop now.” 
“You’re right,” you nodded, taking a deep breath. “We’ll be okay.” 
As soon as you stepped into the new room, the door closed behind you. 
“The gate!” Sebastian called out, “We’re locked in… again.” 
“Then Salazar Slytherin is not yet finished with us,” Ominis sneered. At this point, you began to panic. There was no clear way out. You began to lose even more hope when you looked in the corner and noticed-
“A skeleton,” the new student pointed out. “And Noctora’s last journal entry. She mentions being trapped here. Trapped by… and unforgivable curse.” 
Your eyes widened. The incantation “crucio” etched into the floor suddenly making sense. 
“No,” you said in a slight panic. “No there has to be some other way out of here. Another puzzle? Another brazier to light?”
“What?” Ominis asked, confused. “What are you talking about? What is it?”
“They know what we need to do,” Sebastian said plainly. “One of us needs to cast crucio.” 
Sebastian turned to his friend by the door, discussing the curse with them while Ominis began to pace. 
“Ominis,” you called to him. “Ominis relax, we will figure something out.” 
“No,” he said simply. “No this all could have been avoided. I could have refused, we could have just gone to dinner. I could have protested more to you joining.” 
“Ominis none of this is your fault.”
“Yes it is! Don’t you see? I put you in danger.”
“I chose to be here.” 
“But you had doubts, and I assured you that it would be alright.” 
“And we are alright. We’ll find a way around this.”
Before anything else could be said, they heard the new fifth year shout out “Crucio!” in Sebastian’s direction. The two of you looked towards the pair with wide eyes, about to call out towards Sebastion until… nothing happened. 
“Did you do the movement wrong?” Sebastian asked. 
“No,” they responded, shaking their head. “No, I think that I just couldn’t mean it. I care for you, Sebastian.” 
“You have to try,” he urged.
“I can’t.” 
“Cast it on me,” you spoke up suddenly, taking a step towards the pair. 
“No!” Ominis had interjected quickly. 
“They can’t cast it on Sebastian,” you began to explain. 
“You can’t-”
“We don’t have the same connection so they could-”
“Not you!” 
“Ominis,” you sighed, quieting your voice as you pulled him aside. “I will be fine.”
“I’ve felt the cruciatus curse before so I-”
“Shouldn’t have to go through it again. Let me do this, please.” 
Ominis didn’t say anything more. You took his silence as a sign of agreement, so you approached the door. 
“You ready?” Sebastian had asked you. 
You nodded. “Ready.” 
Ominis braced for the moment that the spell left their wand. He knew what to expect, but he’d never heard the sound of excruciating pain from you. That was something he was not curious to find out. 
Ominis listened as the screams left your throat, as you fell to your knees on the ground. He expected this. He expected the screams to last for several seconds. But this was too long. If they had just cast the curse and left it at that, the pain would have subsided by now. This was prolonged for too long. 
“Stop!” he yelled over the screams. “That’s enough!” 
He waited for what felt like eternity for the screams to stop. For any sign that you were no longer in pain. But when your screams had cut off abruptly, it did not give him the relief he was waiting for. 
“Y/n?” he asked into the silence. “Y/n are you okay?” Never had there ever been a moment in his life that Ominis had wished more that he could see what was happening around him. When you didn’t respond, he began to walk towards the door, calling Sebastian’s name instead. “What’s happened? Are they okay?”
When Sebastian didn’t respond either, Ominous really began to panic. “Answer me, Sebastian!”
“They fainted,” the student told him flatly. 
“What?” he hissed, rushing to where he last heard your voice, hands failing about to try and find any sign of you. When his hand landed on your shoulder, he let out a small breath of relief, almost as if he expected you to have disappeared entirely. “I’m taking them to the hospital wing,” he then announced, following down your arm to find the bend of your knees, intending to pick you up.
“No!” Sebastian protested. “You can’t.” 
“And why not?” 
“They’ll know we were using unforgivables,” the fifth-year stated. 
“What if we need you to open another door?” Sebastian commented at the same time. 
“Glad to see you both care so deeply about their safety,” Ominis scoffed.
“You can’t carry them and use your wand to lead you both,” Sebastian continued, looking for another excuse to keep the boy there. “Let’s find the end of this tunnel and then we’ll take them there together, deal?” 
Ominis sighed, head faced towards the floor. He didn’t want to delay getting you the help you needed, but Sebastian was right. He could crash you both into a wall and injure you further. As much as he hated to admit it, your health was in their hands now. 
“Just hurry up, will you?” he muttered quietly. 
---
When you finally awoke from your unconscious state, Ominis was asleep next to you. Looking around you noticed you were no longer in the dungeons, but instead in the hospital wing under watchful eyes. Well, not that Ominis could very well be included in that. 
As you turned to look at the boy next to you, you moved as quietly as possible. Lacking his sight, Ominis seemed to have much higher hearing abilities than anyone else you knew, so you knew that any sudden noise would be enough to wake him. Your theory was proved correct as he stirred awake at the small ruffle of the sheet. 
You watched as he opened his mouth, but no sound came out as if he changed his mind on speaking up. Instead, you saw his hand slowly reach out towards you, as if to confirm you were there. 
“I’m awake,” you told him with a smile. 
Ominis let out a small breath of relief. “Are you alright?”
“I’m alright,” you nodded. “I didn’t expect it to last that long.” 
“It shouldn’t have,” he said, almost with a sneer. “That new student had to curse on you for longer than it needed to be. All we needed was for it to hit you, they made it linger. They’re lucky I don’t go straight to professor Black and have them expelled.”
Ominis’s thoughts stopped in their tracks when he felt you lay your hand on top of his. 
“I’m alright,” you assured him again. “Lay with me.”
“I- What?”
“Please? I don’t want to think about any of this anymore.”
Ominis sat still in thought for a moment, stammering slightly to himself before standing from his chair, feeling around the bed to make sure you were out of the way before laying down beside you. You layed your head onto his chest and exhaled deeply with a contented sigh. Ominis smiled gently to himself, his nose falling into your hair as he inhaled your scent. He decided then and there that it didn’t matter that he could never see you. Every other sense he had t otake you in was just fine for him. Your voice was enough to bring a small smile to your face, your laugh even more so. Your smell felt like home to him. He could tell you were in a room just by the smell of your shampoo. He could pinpoint which brand it was in a shop just with a small whiff alone. The touch of you skin never failed to comfort him in times of distress. The soft, delicate touch of your hand on his would always bring a smile to his lips. Your taste.. He was yet to be abpe to experiance. The only one of his available senses that has yet to experience you. The rest thought you were perfect, he could only imagine that would be the same.
That is, assuming he ever decides to do anything about his feelings for you. 
For now, however, this was enough for him.
Part Two
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