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Cockpit 6 | knj

Pair: Namjoon x reader

Summary: Namjoon goes through a rough time while getting a divorce, meeting you at the club two weeks in a row when attraction becomes unreal.

Rating: +18 mature content, Smut, divorce, fatherhood

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a/n: let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!

taglist: @wecanpretendit |

You open up your eyes the next day, you didn’t get enough sleep but your phone just buzzed a notification, you click your tongue when you recall that you fell asleep before putting your phone on silent or do not disturb, you woke up with a mild hangover from last night’s poker game. You rub your eyes and immediately dig between your pillows to locate your phone.

You scrunch your eyes at the brightness when you unlock your phone, two notifications caught your attention, one being an email from the medical association, announcing that there’s a conference happening in Ilsan on Monday and you have to prepare a lecture for it. You’ve always attended those kinds of meetings but just as listener, but this year it’s your first time as a speaker since you managed to be one of the best in your department, the first notification made your day already, you’re proud of yourself.

But this email was sent a couple hours ago.

The second notification showing that someone texted you something two minutes ago and they unsent it, you click on the app and scroll through it, you even try googling how you can see who’s the sender, but you got zero results.

You scroll down and spot your chat with Namjoon, you click on it to see his last seen being a minute ago, but this doesn’t prove anything, it could be just a coincidence.

Although it isn’t.

Namjoon is dragging his carryon with him on his way to the terminal, he throws away his third empty cup of coffee before grabbing his phone, he’s been thinking about you the entire night, he wants to talk.

“how are you?”

“can we talk?”

It doesn’t even take a split second for him to unsend those messages, he can’t do it over text or over the phone, and he has to fly in less than an hour so he can’t really do anything until he lands in Seoul. He needs to see you face to face.

He swipes the app away and locks his phone when he arrives to the terminal.

-

“Shouldn’t the hospital pay for your ticket?” Jungkook asks out of breath, both of you are running on the treadmill, you’ve been working out together for some time now.

You and Jungkook met in the states in your first year in university, you both had majored in medicine, but he couldn’t keep up with the pressure, he went through so much that he just had to switch majors, he took the first plane back to Seoul and finished getting his degree to become a teaching assistant in Seoul’s university. You lost connection with him for a long time and you ran into him years after in a club and you became closer than ever.

“Yeah, they do, but I think I should take my car so I can move freely around there.” You shrug, he looks at you before squinting his eyes. “Honey it’s just one day, just go do your speech and fly back. Plus, the hospital is paying so you don’t have to spend anything.”

“It’s not about the money honey.” You mock his words, “It’s just that I don’t mind driving.”

“Don’t, really. Flying there is much safer.” He finally stops running when he finishes his miles. “You can’t drive there and back here on your own anyway, it’s not safe.”

You roll your eyes before turning off the treadmill, you grab your bottle of water and drink some to quench your thirst. “Whatever dumbass, you have to help me with my lecture.”

Both of you decided to shower at the gym and head out to Hoseok’s, they helped you choose a subject for your lecture and you finished it in a couple hours, it was a piece of cake with their help.

“Is it true what I heard?” Hoseok shuts his laptop and grabs a slice of pizza, you and Jungkook both turn to him in confusion. “What?” You ask.

“I heard some stuff from Seokjin hyung.” Hoseok takes a bite and wipes his mouth clean, you try and act oblivious but Jungkook is getting curious. “What?” He looks at you then back at Hoseok.

“Y/n hooked up with the guy she kissed at the club.” Hoseok shrugs. “It’s okay to talk about it since it’s over now, right?”

The younger looks at you with a shameless smirk on his face. “Nice.” He nods his head. You squint your eyes and elbow his chest. “Shut up.”

“So you totally agreed to hook up with a stranger but not with me.” He genuinely seems offended.

“Get over it Kook,” Hoseok huffs. “The guy is married.”

You study Hoseok’s face, is he pretending that he doesn’t know about the divorce? Or did he not really read his papers?

“You slept with a married man?” Jungkook exclaims a bit too loud that you rub your ear. “Okay first off, the neighbors don’t have to know, you don’t need to be loud.” He pouts.

 You rub your forehead, you recall that night clearly when you tried to guess what’s his job, you literally had his hands in yours, there wasn’t a ring on it. “And in my defense, he didn’t tell me he’s married.”

“You should’ve asked.” Hoseok points and Jungkook agrees which makes your jaw drop. “Why would a married man flirt with a stranger? He’s the one who started talking to me.”

“Men don’t get enough-” Hoseok shrugs and gets interrupted by Jungkook. “No no, men never get enough.”

You knew all along that some men are pigs but now you somehow find this very unbelievable, and you’re positive that your friends might be pigs too, they’re men too after all.

“He has a child.” Your voice barely comes out, you’re in denial.

“So?” Jungkook asks as if having a wife and a son isn’t enough of a reason, you look at Hoseok, he’s just eating carelessly and totally not shaken by Jungkook’s question and the cringe on your face.

You close your eyes and shake your thoughts out of your head. “Okay, we need to stop talking about this, it was just a one time hook up and it won’t happen again, I don’t even know the guy.”

-

Monday came in a blink of an eye, surprisingly you weren’t that nervous, you got into a formal attire and filled your handbag with everything you could ever need, your flight is scheduled at 9 in the morning, you’ll be landing in Ilsan an hour later, and your flight back is scheduled to land in Seoul around 7 in the evening.

You grab your phone to find your friends active on the group chat wishing you good luck, you hover your fingers over the screen and respond to them with a smile on your face.

You take a cab to the airport and check in and head to your gate, you’re on your iPad re reading your lecture again while listening to music, you take a sip from your coffee and you spot a bunch of cabin crew and you scoff.

You didn’t realize how wrong Namjoon did you until now, everything seems to remind you of how bad things turned, and no matter how hard you convinced yourself that he’s just a stranger and you won’t have to see him again, you still grit on your teeth. You’ve always been smart and wit, your gut feeling was always right and you question yourself, why did you decide to ignore it this time, you have no idea.

Maybe something deep inside you actually had a thing for Namjoon, not a crush or something, but he just ticks everything on your list, and you find him quite close to your ideal type of men, but oh well, the man is married.

Well, he’s getting a divorce too. You think and you widen your eyes at your own thoughts before you burry your face in your palms.

Even if he was already divorced or whatever, that wasn’t your problem now. The man lied, and he’s a total red flag for you now, you didn’t have full trust in him to begin with, and now you can’t trust him at all.

Do men really not get enough? You recall what your friends said days ago, they can’t be totally right, you’ve seen healthy relationships before where each partner finds the other more than enough and they’re totally happy with each other.

You lift your face back up and you see the cabin crew again, you could clearly see what seemed to be the pilot flirting with one of the flight attendants, and goodness there’s a ring on his finger. Men.

Namjoon could’ve totally slept with so many women and convinced them that he’s single just like he did to you.

Speaking of which.

Namjoon is in the airport bathroom soaking himself with perfume before he heads to the terminal, he’s a few minutes behind the rest of the cabin crew.

The past few days were extremely hard on him, he’s been flying nonstop all over the republic just to distract himself from over thinking and just to waste time. He was going to try and contact you but he still isn’t brave enough to do so. He even drove to your place and stayed in his car for hours, hoping that you’d head out of the building any minute, but you were staying home the past few days.

He knew if he called or texted you wouldn’t answer, and he’s right.

The moment he walks to the terminal and boards the plane is when your face is in your palms because you’ve been having a debate with yourself earlier.

You didn’t see him, and neither did he.

“Where have you been?” His co pilot speaks as he enters the cockpit, Namjoon puts his carryon in the overhead bin before putting his phone down on his seat. “I was having a smoke.”

Boarding finally starts and you walk through the boarding bridge while carefully slipping your iPad in your bag making sure it won’t touch your heels, you chose to wear a pair of sneakers on your way there and change into your heels when you finally get there.

A queue is forming near the airplane door and you hear the flight attendants giggling with the passengers, you step a foot into the plane and one of the cabin crew welcomes you with the fakest wide smile ever. “Welcome aboard, may I see your boarding pass?”

“Thanks.” You hand her the ticket not bothering to mirror her smile, “I’ll take it from here.” A deep voice resonates that makes you lift your face up to see him.

Fucking Kim Namjoon.

Out of all the flights your hospital could’ve booked, they chose the one that Namjoon was flying.

Your eyes meet and it feels like you’ve seen him not long ago, you feel yourself getting charged with hate and anger again when you see him and you hardly control yourself to not snap at him and make a scene.

 He snatches the ticket from the flight attendant and looks closely at it. “Come, I’ll walk you to your seat.” An immediate frown sits between your brows, you know he’s not authorized to walk you to your seat, and you can hear the other cabin crew whispering between each other.

You don’t have to take a long walk to your seat since the hospital booked you a business class ticket even when it’s just a one hour flight. Namjoon leads the way and you walk after him, he stops near your seat and points his head towards it. “Here you go.”

He didn’t leave you a good amount of space to enter your seat, so you stand super close to him before putting your bag down and take a your seat. “You didn’t have to do that.”

He bends down on his knees and leans his arm against the seat in front of you. ”How long are you staying in Ilsan?” And you immediately answer while trying to look careless, unlocking your phone and scrolling through it. “None of your business.”

“Y/N, please, we need to talk.” He begs with his voice barely whispering. “I’ll be waiting for you when we land-“

“Save it Namjoon, I’m going there for business and I don’t have the time.” You look at him, a sigh escapes his nose and he swallows when he looks at your lips for seconds, before looking back into your eyes. “I won’t waste your time, I’ll drive you wherever you wanna go. But please.” He begs again, his hand nearly falling on your leg but he stops himself and rests it on the back of your seat.

You scoff and shake your head, you look through the window for a second, then look back at him. “Look at you.” His eyes are locked onto yours. You continue. “Just so you know, there’s nothing you could say to explain yourself.”

“Namjoon, they need you in the cockpit.” A flight attendant nudges his shoulder, he nods without even looking up at her, then leans in closer. “Don’t get off the plane when we land, just stay here and we’ll leave together.”

You sigh in response and his hand finally lands on your knee for a quick touch of affirmation, he gets up and makes his way to the front of the plane, you eye him from head to toe, your eyes piercing through his big body, and he knows you’re watching.

You fasten your seat belt and lean your head back on the chair, you were hoping that you’d catch some sleep on the plane but you can’t.

You can easily predict what he wants to talk about, and you really used to fancy this man in general, but now he looks like a total different human being to you, and you can’t say you’re not disappointed.

You’re not going to over think this anymore, you’ve had enough, you’re gritting on your teeth again and your jaw tenses, you feel yourself about to get a headache. You’re seeking for closure.

The announcement bell rings and your eyes widen when you hear Namjoon’s voice radiate through the speaker. “Good morning and welcome aboard, this is your captain Kim Namjoon speaking.” You find yourself breathing heavily suddenly, you look all the way to the front of the plane, you can see the cockpit door still open, and you could see just the side of Namjoon’s body and the rest is blocked by the stupid giggling flight attendant.

“First I’d like to welcome you on Korean airlines flight number KA87 heading to Ilsan, we are currently third in line for takeoff. We are expected to be in the air in approximately 14 minutes, we’ll be up to a cruising altitude of 32 thousand feet, flight time will be one hour, if the seat belt sign is turned please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened.” You can see him shifting in his seat, before your phone buzzes a text, you grab your phone and see that he was the one who sent the text.

“I’m happy to see you :)”

Your stomach does this weird thing inside you that you haven’t felt before, your hand hovers over it and you try had to calm your breath but now your heart is fluttering.

“Please switch off your mobile phones, or turn on airplane mode for safety reasons.” He speaks through the speaker and you put your phone back into your bag with your jaw down. You cannot believe him.

“In about ten minutes after departure the cabin crew will be coming around to offer you a light snack and a beverage, until then, sit back, relax and enjoy your flight, thank you.” He closes the speaker and the back of your hand sits on your burning cheek, you’re totally confused on what’s happening to you.

You unbutton the first two buttons of your shirt and fan your face, if any of the flight attendants saw you they’d think you’re afraid of heights or you’re panicking but really, you’re not. You’re just.. Overwhelmed, if that’s the right word to use.

 “Cabin crew please be seated for takeoff.” He speaks one last time before he moves the entire plane towards the runway.

Namjoon did his hardest to stay focused on the only thing he had to do, his mind was rushing with thoughts, each one interrupting the other, he has no idea how to start talking, hell he’s not even sure if you’re going to wait for him or not. He couldn’t fight the smile that’s slowly creeping on his face, it doesn’t go unnoticed by the copilot, he even smirks before asking Namjoon. “Is that your wife?”

The question robs the smile away from Namjoon’s face, and he finds himself cringing. “No.”

She could never live up to you, no offense to her. But she doesn’t put any effort in the way she looks, she never cared, in fact Namjoon doesn’t recall the last time he saw her styling her hair or putting on makeup. She’s unemployed since she’s taking care of Jay most of the time, but Namjoon opened a bank account for her so she can do whatever she wants or even buy something for herself. But she never did.

And you, gosh he doesn’t even know where to start. You’re just you.

The second you stepped foot on the plane and he saw you, he felt his stomach twist and his heart skipped a beat, he could feel a hint of tightness in his boxers as his body starts pumping blood everywhere. He really is happy to see you.

Meanwhile you’re in your seat less than an hour later as the flight attendants take their seats to prepare for landing, and you may seem biased when you admit that this was the smoothest landing ever. Namjoon must be really good.

People almost immediately rise from their seats to claim their luggage from the overhead bin, you grab your phone and turn off airplane mode, you’re welcomed to Ilsan with a few text messages from your mobile network, the moment you clear this notification you lift your face up to see the passengers beginning to exit the aircraft, and you spot Namjoon standing with the flight attendants and saying goodbye to the passengers one by one with a soft smile with his stupid dimple showing.

His eyes pierce to you between each passenger and he’s glad you actually stayed, he grabs his carryon from the bin above his head and puts it down on the floor before nodding to you.

You take it as a sign to get up and you do, throwing your bag over your shoulders and lowering your sunglasses down to cover your eyes, you walk towards him and you feel your body heat up the second he puts his hand on your lower back. “How was your flight?”

You look at him and roll your eyes at how cocky he’s getting and he lets out a soft laugh. “I’m just messing with you.” This motherfucker.

“What brings you to Ilsan?” He starts talking as you’re walking down the stairs of the plane, and you take a second to give him a blurry answer. “I’m here for work.”

“Work?” He asks as both of you make it inside the bus that’s driving you to the airport gate.

You look around the bus and it’s packed with people and there isn’t a single seat empty, you lean your back against the window near the door and you try finding a hand grip to hold onto, Namjoon leans both his palms behind you and nods. “Hold onto me, it’s okay.”

The smell of his cologne mixed with cigarettes wafts through your nose, you’re sandwiched between him and the window, and you’re surrounded by so many people that it’s physically impossible to push him. You look into his eyes to see him staring at your lips, your eyes wander lower to his neck to see his necklace.

It’s the necklace you saw on his neck the morning he left your place.

Your fingertips move towards his neck before you fish out the necklace from underneath the buttoned shirt. The look on your face makes his heart shatter, and even his heart melts when you breathed. “That’s your son.”

He looks down to your fingers and he touches the small necklace too, making both your fingertips touch, you feel his touch in a form of electric current and you lower your hand immediately. “That’s my son.” He whispers.

You study his face for a long second.

Despite the fact that he cheated and what he did was wrong on so many levels,  he looks like he totally regrets it, and he seems like he genuinely wants to make things right with you. You’re ready to hear him out.

“Alright.” You sigh and he smiles softly, tugging softly on the loose strand of your hair behind your ear.

The bus starts moving and you immediately hold onto his wrist for support, his smile goes wider before he grabs your hand into his, intertwining his fingers between yours which settles this weird feeling down in the pit of your stomach. What in hell is going on?

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.” He takes a step closer to you, the smell of his cologne getting stronger and chest barely brushing against yours. You remind yourself that this man lied to you once and you can’t just let him off the hook this easy.

It’s a five minute ride to the airport and it felt like five hours to you, you’re getting worried at how your body is reacting around this man.

You finally get to the airport and finish all your paperwork, he fishes out a pair of car keys and leads you to the parking lot.

“You’re renting?” You question him while buckling up and he shakes his head. “It’s my sister’s car.”

“Ah yes, you’re from Ilsan.” You remember that he told you this before and he nods, you lean down to take off your sneakers and socks off, you switch to the pair of heels you have in your bag, you can feel his eyes on you so you turn to look at him. “What?”

“Where are we going?” He asks, you show him the exact location that the conference was held in and he nods and starts driving, he doesn’t even bother opening maps or anything, he knows every alley in Ilsan. “How long are you staying here?”

“Namjoon, you’re the one who’s supposed to be talking.” You sounded too mean and he starts feeling pressured, his breath becoming slowly irregular. “Fine, fine.”

You look at him while he’s driving, he’s forming small sweat pebbles on his forehead and his grip around the steering wheel gets tighter. “I’m sorry.”

You’re fed up with how hesitant and scared he seems. “Yeah, I know, and?”

“I uhm.. I should have.. told you since day one.” He clears his throat. “What I did was really wrong and unfair to you.”

Your hand sits on your chest when you exclaim. “To me? You’re married, you should feel sorry for your wife.”

A frown sits on his face and he feels his blood pressure elevating by the second, he gets really irritated at the mention of her. “No, y/n, you don’t know anything.” You frown. “Enlighten me.”

He rubs his face and his jaw tenses, he opens his mouth to start talking, but he shakes his head instead and looks through the window. “For fucks sake Namjoon.” Your voice starts getting louder, he slams the steering wheel and finally bursts. “I’m miserable, okay?” He’s louder than you are.

“I’m fucking miserable, I’m not happy, and I’m lonely.” His chest heaves up, he runs his fingers through his hair before continuing. “My life is a fucking nightmare, y/n.”

You feel your heart clenching when his voice starts getting shaky. “It’s killing me.”

This man lied to you once and you don’t feel like you can trust him again, for all you know, he could be lying to you again. You’re unsure if the reasons he listed earlier are valid enough for him to cheat on his wife.

“I feel like shit for doing you wrong.” He stops the car on the side of the road and looks at you. “You have the right to be mad at me, I know I’m a terrible person.”

And right off the top of your head you ask him. “Is she not good to you?” Your voice comes out in a form of a whisper. He scoffs and shakes his head before looking down. “I’ve known her for years, but she still feels like a stranger..:”

You lose it when you see tears forming in his eyes. “We painted this fake image of us holding hands in front of people and smiling just so they think that we’re happy, but we’re not even an inch close to happy. I tried so hard to compromise but I got nothing in return, it was always me who has to work hard for this marriage and I got nothing. I thought that life just goes on and maybe that’s what all married couple are like, but no. I’ve made so many wrong decisions in my life but she was the worst ever.” His tears finally roll down on his cheek and he just sobs, gravity does its job and his tears fall onto his lap.

You’ve never seen a man this weak and vulnerable, you feel your heart squeezing at his state, he looked so firm and happy on the outside, he looked stable, but he was able to conceal it all very well, that must’ve drained him through those years.

You unbuckle your seatbelt and sit on your knees, you grab his head into your hands and brush his tears with your thumb softly before hugging him closer to you, he wraps his arms around you and speaks. “Imagine being silenced for years.” He pulls back, leaning his forehead against yours. “I’ve been through this nightmare for three fucking years and I couldn’t say a word to anyone about how fucking miserable I am.”

“Shh. It’s okay.” You whisper, cupping his jaw in your hands and tracing it with your thumb, you brush your nose against his and close your eyes. “I’m here.”

He grips onto your top with his fist and pulls back, “What?”

You feel the need to help him escape this, the man is clearly going through severe depression and he’s emotionally deprived from any act of affection or love. It’s not like you’re offering to love him, but you need to help him get back on his feet.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.” You smile softly at him and offer him your hand, he locks his eyes into yours and grabs your hand pulling it closer to his face, he leans his head onto it and kisses it softly.

“Thank you.” He whispers while mirroring your smile. You giggle and adjust your seat. “We have to get back on the road Namjoon.”

He nods and turns the car back on before hitting the road again, you felt the need to explain to him the reason you’re in Ilsan and he ends up offering to attend the conference with you, actually no, he insisted on attending.

He parks in front of the building and both of you exit the car, he opens his carry on and manages to change just his top before entering the main hall.

“Miss y/l/n.” The head of the medical association approaches you while reaching his hand out to you, you shake his hand firmly and smile. “Lovely to see you Mr. Baek.”

“I’m so glad you got to be a speaker this year.” He smiles back, his eyes spotting Namjoon behind you, you pull back and put your hand behind Namjoon’s back, pushing him closer to you. “Let me introduce you, this is my friend Namjoon.”

“Nice to meet you.” Namjoon shakes his hand firmly before the old man speaks to you. “It’s lovely for you to have support, we’re all so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” You smile before hooking your arm around Namjoon’s. “Pardon us.”

Even when you just introduced Namjoon as your friend, he’s not used to being touched like that in public because he was never touched like that in the first place.

-

Speaking in front of a huge crowd was never a big deal for you, your lecture was interesting to begin with and your powerful personality made a strong presence on stage, you almost forgot that Namjoon was between the crowd watching you with his jaw slightly open.

The second you stepped on that stage he felt… Euphoric.

He listens to every single word that comes out of your lips attentively even when you’re using complicated medical terms, he scans your body language and your hand movements and he swears he hasn’t been this impressed by a woman before.

He’s proud of you.

You’re the woman he’s always imagined having in his dreams, he was quite the ambitious person himself and he had so many goals he wanted to achieve but his personal life always stood in the way.

He finds himself charged when he’s around you and not only sexually, he’s suddenly in a better mood and his brain and body function better, he finds himself way less anxious than when he’s around his family, although he should feel this way around his son too, but your aura is totally different.

His heart skips a beat again when your eyes meet in the middle of your lecture and you smile softly at him as if he’s the one who needs support. He finds your smile contagious and he gives you one back with a soft nod, he’s really proud of you.

You finally end your lecture and they applaud you, you know you did great. You bow your head and get off the stage to be welcomed by a few colleagues who shake your hand and make small talk with you about how good your lecture and where your sources were from, they even ask you a couple questions about your topic.

You got offered two jobs on the spot in two different hospitals around the republic but you were kind enough to refuse, the hospital you currently worked at is the hospital that helped you get where you currently are.

You thank them and make your way back to your chair, Namjoon gets up on his feet and grabs your hand into his. “You were great.”

“I know, thank you.” You grin when he pulls you closer for a soft kiss on your cheek, he pulls your chair back for you to sit next to him, and both of you sit back to listen for the rest of the conference.

It’s a couple hours later, Namjoon is driving you back to the airport while you’re on your phone texting your friends on your group chat, they had planned a dinner to celebrate you tonight, so Taehyung was supposed to pick you up from the airport since he already lives close to it.

“Can’t you please stay for tonight?” He manages to turn his head towards you for a split second while he’s driving, you lock your phone and put it down before you speak. “I’m supposed to meet my friends for dinner and I’m on call tomorrow morning.”

His shoulders sulk in disappointment and a sigh escapes his nose, his eyes are now focused on the road and it’s clearly showing that he wants to be around you more, which kicks your ego up to the top.

At the same time he doesn’t argue and he doesn’t insist, he just wants to give you your own space so he won’t pressure you, you chuckle before running your fingers to the back of his head, scratching his scalp with your nails. “You know I can see you back in Seoul.”

You know your hand drives him crazy and you could care less If you crash, you want to leave him edged and thirsty for more and you like it. His eyelids starts to feel heavy and he fights it so hard to stay focused on the road. “It’s just that..” He breathes, your fingers move down to scratch his neck, he swallows before he proceeds. “.. I wanted us to be alone and away together.”

You take a long breath before you retrieve your hand back onto your lap, you’re not going to give him what he wanted immediately. You did offer your help but you didn’t forget about the terrible lie he played on you. So he deserves to be denied for the mean time. “If that’s your way of inviting me to bed than save it.” You smirk. He lets out a quiet laugh and stretches his hand to sit on your inner thigh, his fingers squeezing your covered flesh softly and stroking it, “Fine, I deserve to be punished after all.” He bites on his lip.

“Good boy. I’m glad you’re aware of that.” You managed to play the role of the tough cookie but you can’t deny that his touch is doing wonders to you, the warmth of his hand against your covered skin and his soft strokes gives you flashbacks of that night you spent together, and the other nights where you made him cum just by hearing your voice.

You finally get to the airport and he turns off the car in the parking lot, he looks at you while unbuckling his belt. “Are you sure you don’t have the time?”

“The gate is already open Namjoon.” You look at the time on your wrist, you unbuckle your seat belt and fish out your documents from the bag. “Thank you for keeping me company.”

“I’ll see you back in Seoul?” He coaxed, you giggle and take your time to answer with a slow nod. “I’ll see you back in Seoul.”

He leans in and you think he’s going to kiss you on the cheek, but he moves further down to brush the tip of his nose against the pulse of your neck, he takes a long inhale through his nose, collecting whatever he can of your smell which arouses him, he closes his eyes and whispers. “I can’t say it enough, but I’m truly sorry.”

You clear your throat before you move your hand up to his jaw and caress it with your thumb. “I know you are.”

He keeps his face buried in your neck for a couple seconds before he pulls back and locks his eyes with yours, you see the face you saw earlier this morning, apologetic and full with regret.

“I have to go.” Your faces are extremely close that he feels your hot breath hit his glistening lips, he nods and fully pulls back to collect his phone and keys. “Come on, let me walk you inside.”

-

“I don’t know if we say this enough y/n, but we’re totally proud of you. We’re always there for you and we’ve got your back, we truly love you.” Taehyung lifts his glass of champagne up on the air before all you clink your glasses together. “To y/n.”

You sip some of your drink and put it down before Yoongi starts. “So how was your trip?”

“It was quite chill, it’s my first time on a business class, other than that everything went great, I also got a few job offers.” You slowly nod your head. Yoongi sips more of his drink and lifts up an eyebrow. “I heard some stuff from Jungkook.”

You snap your head towards the youngest who’s totally avoiding eye contact with you, his face flushing at the sudden mention of his name.

After all, what were you expecting? Seokjin told Hoseok, and Hoseok spoke in front of Jungkook, and now Yoongi is discussing this around the table where not only your friends are sitting, but also a couple of their partners.

And by the looks of it, his wife already know since she’s studying your face and waiting for confirmation.

Do they just go around talking to each other about you? Your hookup with Namjoon will haunt you for the rest of your life.

“Yeah it’s true.” You spit out, “Namjoon’s married?” Jimin asks and your eyes almost fall out from their sockets, as far as you remember, he knows you hooked up with someone, but not with Namjoon specifically.

“He’s married?” Taehyung dramatically drops his fork which makes you roll your eyes. “I actually saw him in Ilsan.”

Your statement was followed by a complete silence around the table, you feel everyone’s eyes on you as they’re waiting for you to elaborate, you clear your throat and open your mouth. “Relax, we didn’t go together, he was flying that plane.”

You realize that they still don’t know what he does when they look at you like you said something in a foreign language that they don’t understand. Hoseok turns his body fully towards you. “Flying the plane? Like fly fly?” He blinks repeatedly.

“He’s an aircraft pilot.” You take a sip from your champagne and you clearly see Mia and Jade, Taehyung’s girlfriend, swoon over the man, you nod with a smirk. “I know right?”

“And did you talk?” Seokjin hesitates, leaning his elbows on the table and closer towards you so he can hear you better. You nod. “Mhm. He apologized and I guess we’re okay now.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to see him again.” Taehyung whines. “You can’t be the mistress.”

Taehyung’s words woke some sense in you and you actually admit that you cannot be the mistress. You scold yourself because you shouldn’t have let him off the hook that easily and offer him closeness immediately.

You jump in your seat when your phone buzzes and speaking of the devil, it’s him.

“Call me when you’re home.”

“I miss hearing ur voice.”

A knot sits between your eyebrows and you actually leave him on read. You are not going to reply to him and that’s it. You lock your phone and put it back in your purse. “I’m not going to be the mistress.” You firmly say, and you cross your arms above your chest.

-

It’s later in the night, you had already finished your dinner with your friends that night and headed back home, you showered and put on a face mask, and went to bed really early since you’re on call in the morning.

A little past midnight, your phone vibrates repeatedly and you think it’s work because they usually call for consult during the night when you’re at home. But it’s Namjoon again.

“can I call you?”

“I’m at the hotel room”

“I’m flying back to seoul in the morning”

“I’m so glad I got to see you today”

Your fingers hover above the screen and you purse your lips, debating whether you should answer or not, but again Taehyung’s words echo in your head, which makes you quickly turn off the wifi when you see him typing, you lock your phone and put it on your nightstand.

Oh so you’re going to ghost him now?

You don’t hesitate for a second, you fall back asleep in a snap of a finger.

Meanwhile, Namjoon is freshly out of the shower, his hair dropping small pebbles of water on his neck and back, his phone is in his hand and he’s getting concerned of the fact that you’re not replying to his texts.

He actually saw it coming, and he knows you’re not going to reply to his texts or ghost him for some time, of course he’s not going to pressure you to answer, so he just puts his phone down and lies down flat on his bed. He knows he deserves the punishment.

He’s in Ilsan but he doesn’t always stay at his parents. Since he’s there partially for work, the aviation he works at provides him a room at the airport hotel, so he just stays there before he flies back to the capital.

-

To say you wake up cranky the next day is an understatement, your period started today and your tummy and back are killing you, and your headache is getting stronger by the second.

Hoseok who decided on picking you up to and from work today has been blabbering since you stepped foot in the car and you’re waiting for him to stop talking.

“Men actually love it when women are mean with them, don’t over think stuff with that man, I remember once I hooked up with a girl and I was planning on not calling her the next day, she wasn’t that special and she wasn’t really worth the shot, but I swear the minute she started being mean with me I liked her a lot better.” He even laughs and your face falls inside your palm, you could beg him to shut up.

“When she started being nice to me I got the ick and totally blocker her number, it’s just how the world works you know, and I’m not-“

“Hobi please.” You snap. “Shh.”

And the man sulks with a pout on his face, you’re not even sorry, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and your body isn’t giving you a break. You could’ve called for a day off but no one wanted to switch shifts with you.

The moment you step foot into the department, the nurses actually give you a few meds to help you go through your shift, it was hectic that day.

You grab your phone a few hours later and finally turn back on the wifi, Namjoon sent one text early in the morning, which is probably right before he headed to work.

“i hope ur okay, take care.”

Your fingers hover over the screen and you decide on messaging him back even when you don’t want to.

“fly safe J”

 Your heart beats faster when he reads the message seconds later, you’re about to lock your phone but he’s calling you, and you can’t just ignore his call when you just texted him.

You wait a couple seconds later and finally answer him. “Kim Namjoon.”

He lets out a low grunt before laughing, you can’t see him, but he’s in bed stretching, he’s sleeping on his right side with his phone under his ear, his eyes immediately shut close when he hears his name. “Good morning.” His voice deep and sleepy, also low so he cannot be heard.

Fuck, he’s not helping you keeping your hands to yourself when he does that.

“Did you miss your flight or what?” You grab your white coat and make your way out of the emergency department to take your call. He breathes into his phone and speaks. “No, my flight was early in the morning, I’m in Seoul now.”

You can’t help but ask, even when you really know that it’s inappropriate and really none of your business, you even stutter. “Is she there?” And it comes out as a whisper. You’re really asking him about his wife.

It takes him a few seconds to process the question, uncertain whether he should actually answer the truth or not. Because she’s home and in the next room, if he was an octave louder he would be heard.

Although he did promise himself that he won’t lie to you, so he answers. “Yes.”

Your heart clenches and no matter how hard you think you’re going to accept it, it’s just really hard to digest.

You clear your throat and bite on your nails, and as if he can see you, he laughs quietly and whispers back. “I wanted to say this to you face to face, but you have to know, whether you showed up in my life or not, I would’ve gotten the divorce any way, so don’t worry.”

Namjoon never knew what it felt like to be taken care of or shown love, and neither did you, you’ve never been in an exclusive relationship with anyone before. Of course you’re loved by your family and friends, but someone actually offering you affection and care who is neither a family nor a friend feels weirdly good.

It’s like the missing piece in your life that you just realized you needed.

But still it feels concerning when Namjoon talks about you like that, and you actually spit it out to seek for an answer so you won’t have to overthink it. “Come on Joon, it was just a one time hookup, why are you talking like it’s more than that.” You even fake a laugh to make it sound nicer than you truly mean.

And he just blurts it out. “Because it is more than just a hook up,”  And he can sense that your tension over the phone is increasing, you realize you’ve been holding your breath for a second before he speaks with an audible smirk on his lips. “Come on y/n, we both know it’s more than just a hook up.”

It slightly irritates you at how smug he sounds, you scoff before speaking. “Wow you surely sound confidant about that. I hate to break it to you, but really, it’s not true.”

“Okay.” He’s totally not convinced, you hear him muffling under the blanket in his bed. “I’ve been thinking about you the entire night.”

Now it’s your turn to make his life a little harder. “And did you make yourself cum?” He takes a long breath before he hums. “I made myself cum when I imagined the way I wanted to please you, y/n.”

You’re ashamed at the way your body reacts, even when you’re on your period, your body acts upon his words and your face flushes, you press your thighs together to ease the increasing heat between your legs.

What he just said suddenly filled a certain void inside you that you never knew existed, you’ve always wanted a man seek after your own pleasure.

Even when you absolutely enjoy the dirty talk, and even when it makes your cunt tingle, you still manage to ask him. “Hm, so I guess you called just to ease your morning wood?”

You doubt the fact that this man thinks before he talks, he sounds so convincing and genuine when he replies so fast. “Just so you know, I don’t just see you in that way.”

Of course you’re going to doubt that, but he’s is in fact serious, he does think you’re insanely attractive and really good in bed that it makes him sometimes wonder how you’re still single, but on the other hand, he finds your job and your lifestyle very interesting and attractive, it’s been a month since you guys first met at the club, he thinks he knows enough to really fancy you, but when he attended your lecture and saw how successful you are at what you do, it made him see a totally different version of you.

“Whatever Namjoon, I need to hang up.” You sit up from the bench, he doesn’t hesitate when he asks. “Do you have any plans for tonight?”

You actually have nothing planned for tonight, but you know you’re going to be kicked in the ass from your current shift and you’re also on your period. “Maybe.”

You can hear him stretching, he lets out a low grunt before he speaks again “I feel the need to take you somewhere, that’s if you don’t mind of course.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “Somwhere?”

“I know a wine tasting tour held today, it’s on the outskirts though and there’s a huge farm there and it’s the harvest season, so we can actually go and check out the entire process, If you want to of course.” He seems excited when he’s speaking, still making sure he isn’t heard by the other two living under his roof.

You’re intrigued, your mind wants to say yes so badly, but your body is barely holding on for work. “I can’t today, I’m not feeling well.”

He shifts in his bed before he sits up. “Oh no, are you okay?” His voice coming out so soft and sweet, you try to stifle a grin but you can’t, and he actually hears it through the phone when you speak. “Oh my back hurts, that’s all.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

Screw you Kim Taehyung for saying those words, they still echo in your head and for a split second you shrug it off, fuck it, your body is aching for Namjoon and you’re a little ashamed to admit it.

“Yeah, I mean-“ You bite hard on your poor lower lip before you realize that even if he showed up, there’s nothing to do when it’s your time of the month. “Sure, come over.”

-

Namjoon finally leaves his room after he finished his call with you, Jay was crying his lungs out and he was on the floor throwing a tantrum, and his wife is nowhere to be seen.

“Daddy.” Jay stretches his arms up when he sees his father which makes Namjoon’s heart melt, he kneels down and holds his son closer to his chest, rubbing the back of his head softly. “Daddy’s here, what’s the matter?” He kisses his forehead softly. “Why are you crying?”

“Mommy won’t give me my ice cream.” He cries even louder and his father barely understands a word. Finally she gets out of the kitchen and starts picking up the little toys from the floor, “Jay how many times did I tell you, crying will not get you the ice cream.”

And the little toddler’s crying is loud and he starts kicking his legs, Namjoon holds him closer and smothers his tiny faces with kisses. “Shh, it’s okay.”

He turns to shoot a glare at the demon picking up the toys, he actually feels nauseated when she’s around, and ever since he met you, he just can’t look at her, so he forces himself at the second. “Why won’t you give him his ice cream?”

Jay is Namjoon’s only point of weakness, he cannot stand seeing him want something or crave something without getting him whatever he wants, he’d give him the world if  he asked and he’s willing to sacrifice anything for him, that all makes Jay adore his daddy.

“He didn’t finish his bowl of cereal and he even spilled it.” She throws the bag of toys down in the corner of the room, “No ice cream and no toys for the whole day.”

“He’s a baby, playing is all he’s got to do, you can’t just punish him like that.” Namjoon sternly speaks before standing up, still carrying his child.

“But daddy, I was too full and I said sorry.” Jay hugs his daddy tighter while wiping his own tears, “No you’re not going to get anything before you have your breakfast.” She approaches the little one and grabs him, Jay cries loud again and holds onto his father for dear life.

It aches Namjoon’s heart when he sees his child like that, he turns away and uses his palm to gently stop his wife from approaching them again. “Let me deal with this, he’s my child too.” He frowns before he goes to Jay’s bedroom and puts him down on his bed, he kneels down and cups his cheeks. “It’s okay baby, mommy wasn’t wrong, you can’t have your ice cream before breakfast,”

“But the bowl was too big, I’m full.” Jay rubs his eyes, his crying finally coming to an end, but the child is still sad. “Hmm, don’t you wanna be tall and big like daddy?” Namjoon pokes his son’s nose softly, “It’s okay you don’t have to finish your breakfast today, but I’ll tell you a secret,” He even whispers and inches closer to his son, a smile already starting to creep on Jay’s face when he’s enjoying the tiniest interaction with his father.

“We’ll go get you ice cream, but we cannot tell mommy, she’s not invited to our ice cream party.” And Jay looks at his father and it breaks Namjoon’s heart to see his son broken and crying over some stupid ice cream.

“Who were you talking to earlier?” She asks and gain’s his attention, she standing near the door frame with her arms crossed over her chest, he looks at her and wonders for a second when was the last time this woman showered?

He turns to his son’s closet and picks out a pair of sneakers. “Let’s get you dressed.”

“Who were you talking to?” Her voice gets louder and Namjoon doesn’t even flinch, he’s used to her being crazy and asking useless questions, he gets back on his knees and helps his son with his shoes. “Why do you care?” He asks, not looking back at her again.

“Just so you know, your son has been crying the entire morning asking for you, and he didn’t finish eat breakfast because you were too busy being on your phone.” She’s blabbering and even her son ignores her and asks his father. “Can I bring  mister broccoli with me?”

Mister broccoli was a stuffed toy that Namjoon got as a gift for Jay when he took his first flight ever with his father, the little one is extremely attached to this toy specifically and he wouldn’t let any of his cousins touch it.

Namjoon nods eagrly. “Go get him.”

Jay runs back to the living room and Namjoon rolls his eyes before he looks at his wife one last time. “I would appreciate it if you try and not pick an argument in front of him.” He cannot stand this woman.

She scoffs, “At least try and be a good father, try and be there for your son. He cried all night.”

Namjoon hates being called a bad parent, he isn’t. He finds himself gritting on his teeth and his heartbeat pounds faster in his chest. “Oh trust me, I’m a better parent than you are.”

Jay’s presence back in the room that eases Namjoon down immediately, even though he guaranteed divorce, but still he has to contain himself in front of his son, last week’s incident was a tough lesson for him.

“Daddy can I put mister broccoli in the back seat with me? I also want him to wear the seat belt.” Jay’s playful tone makes Namjoon mouth twitch in a smile, he nods and prints small soft kisses all over his son’s face. “I’ll let you put the seat belt for him, deal?”

Namjoon’s been flying nonstop and he’s very tired and he needs to catch some sleep to make it up for the nights he stayed up at work, he’s very exhausted but he can never say no to his son.

He grabs Jay’s tiny hands and leaves the place, leaving the woman behind him fuming. They get down to the car and Namjoon even gives Jay the key to unlock the car, and the little one is staring at his father with heart eyes, he always tried his best to give him anything he wishes for.

Namjoon opens the back door and puts mister broccoli next to the car seat, he teaches his son how to buckle the seat belt and Jay ends up doing it on his own, Namjoon gets this cute aggression around his son that he grabs his face tightly and sucks his cheek into a kiss. He can do it forever.

He finally helps Jay get into his car seat and buckles him up, before they head to their ice cream date.

-

Your shift is finally over by the afternoon, you hand over everything to the team on the next shift and you call a cab home, you were near breaking down and balling your eyes out, nothing major really, you’re just hormonal and tired.

Hoseok was supposed to drive you back home but you instantly regret it when he calls you from the court and says that he needs an hour to be there because something was scheduled urgently today.

You get home and take your clothes off, instant relief when you ditch the fabric off of your skin on a hot summery day, you change into your pajamas and head to the kitchen to turn on the kettle for tea, you don’t usually get that big of an appetite when you’re on your period so food is the last thing you consider making, your doorbell rings and you head to check the cameras, it’s the man you told to come over, the man you’ve been waiting for.

You unlock the door and a warm breeze of air immediately wafts through the entrance carrying the smell of his musky perfume, “Hey, Come in.” You tilt your head inviting him to come on in inside, and the second he steps foot inside your house he inhales, the smell feels nostalgic to him even when he’s been here only once.

Your place has this distinctive smell, it smells clean and fresh, a hint of fruitiness to it, your diffuser is always on so it always smells good, and Namjoon has picked up the hint of the floral scent you spray your furniture with, and also picked up your smell. Your odor is engraved into his head and he can smell it even when it’s layers away or even miles away, he finds it arousing.

He enters the house and hands you a small grocery bag that’s been sitting in his hands. “Are you okay? You look tired.” He steps closer to you and tugs your hair behind your ear.

“I’m fine, what’s that?” You open the bag to check out what’s inside, your heart melts when you see that he actually put in the effort to buy you pain killers, a heating pad and chocolates, even when you already have every item in your household. “Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.” A genuine smile creeps on your face and he smiles back at you before pinching your cheek softly, you inch closer to him and give him a soft peck on his dimple that leaves him blushing, but hardly noticeable though.

“Come on, let’s get you into bed.” He takes off his shoes and you see him walking inside, again even when he’s been here once, he knows this place like the back of his hand, you know that he’s comfortable around you even when the two of you haven’t known each other for long, he feels familiar and he feels close.

You walk into your bedroom and he follows you, he takes a quick scan at your room and he can tell that you’ve been in bed and you’re planning to spend the rest of your day in bed even when he’s here, nothing sexual planned at all though.

“Do you want me to help you with the heating pad?” He’s standing so close behind you that you feel his breath his your neck, you swallow and exhale with a shiver running through your spine, you nod softly and fish out the heating pad from the bag, “On my back please.”

“Okay.” He softly speaks before going down on both of his knees, you grab your top and pull it up for him to have better access, and he opens the wrapper and takes the pad out, he prints the softest kiss on your lower back right by the end of your tatted spine before he sticks the pad onto it and pulls your top back down. “There you go.”

You could swear he kissed your pain away, or it’s probably the endorphin rushing through your entire body when you saw him at your doorstep.

“Make yourself at home, I need to make tea first.” You’re about to turn but his hands sit on your hips, putting a soft amount of pressure, he presses his lips against your shoulder for a little kiss and whispers. “It’s okay, get in bed, I’ll make you tea.” He even kisses the same spot again before heading to the kitchen.

What is he doing to you?

You get to take a quick glance of his back when he’s leaving the room and you feel your face heat up, your hand sits on your cheek and you try to ease your quickening breath, you never felt this way towards anyone and it feels different, your stomach is pinching you and you’re unsure if it’s the cramps or what?

You’re worried for a second, you don’t know if he’s doing this because he wants to, or because he’s trying to get you into bed again? You know he’s in a miserable marriage so he might just do everything because there’s a benefit for him.

You make your way to your bed and you hear his footsteps coming closer and your heart races again at his aura, he enters the room with a cup of tea in one hand, and the box of pain killers in the other one, he approaches your side of the bed and rests the cup onto the nightstand before handing you a pill from the box, you look at him in the face and you tilt your head, his eyes lift up and lock into yours.

For a long moment both of you are studying each other.

You were never able to find out people’s intentions right away, you are very smart and really wit, you sometimes make assumptions that turn out to be true just out of coincidence. But Kim Namjoon was too difficult to read, well at least to you.

Or maybe he is easy to read, but after you found out that he masked his misery and his years long marriage, it became difficult for you to really find out what were his intentions. You appreciate what he’s trying to do, but you don’t know why he’s doing it.

You actually consider introducing him to your friends just because they know how men think and what are their real intentions, Taehyung can easily judge people and he was never wrong.

As for him.

His eyes travel between yours, then move down to your nose and lips, up to the loose strand of your hair that’s tickling your jaw, he feels drawn to you in ways he cannot explain, and if he wants to reflect on the overall situation, he easily admits that he changed after he met you, you changed him, he’s a better version of himself when he’s around you, he’s looking at you and memorizing every single detail on your face, you’re not like her, you’re not like any of them women.

Actually it’s way easier than you think, Namjoon was too easy to read, if you just stop the over thinking for a second and see the way he stares at you, you could easily tell that the man is developing something for you, let’s just call it a crush for the mean time, you don’t know the effect you have on this man.

“Thank you.” You grab the pill into your mouth and chase it with water before pulling the blanket over your body, he stands up and takes his shirt off, after all, it was really warm that day.

And goodness you forgot how big this man is, you immediately look away because you know your body gets way too excited at the thought of Namjoon naked. And you also hate to admit it, but your sex drive is usually on fire on your first day of your period.

“You can sleep if you want to, I’m here if you needed anything.” He walks to the other side of the bed and lies down next to you.

You simply nod, maybe he was right when he told you this morning that this is more than just a hookup.

Minutes later, you close your eyes but you’re not asleep, he probably thinks you are, but you can’t, you open one eye and look at him, he’s lying on his back with one arm behind his head and his phone in the other hand, he’s reading something, clearly a book. His eyelids feel heavy and he puts down the phone on the night stand next to him before he adjusts in bed and falls asleep while hugging a pillow.

And suddenly you feel this flood of emotions wash through your entire body, and you feel bad for the man, a smart good looking sensitive man whose desperate to feel loved and touched after all these years, he’s practically a virgin even when he isn’t.

You huff and hide your face under the blanket, you cannot believe that you actually validate his reasons and give him the right to cheat, you even start thinking that him cheating should be worth it.

He’s a human being with feelings, and you feel like you can offer him some of his needs.

You crawl closer and pull the blanket over his body, you even grab the pillow away from him and hold onto his wrist to and put it around your waist, he’s not in deep sleep yet, so he opens his eyes for a second and processes the fact that you’re going to sleep in his arms, he tightens the grip around and pulls you even closer to him whilst whispering in your ear. “Do you want me to get you anything? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.” You bury your face into his neck and both of you fall asleep in a click of a button.

It’s almost like both of you felt safe enough to go into deep sleep when you’re around each other.

You don’t know yet, or maybe you do but won’t admit, but you’re developing something for him too.

#bts smut #bts fanfic #bts x fem!reader #bts x reader #bts x y/n #bts x you #kim namjoon #kim namjoon x reader #kpop fanfic #kpop smut #kim namjoon smut #namjoon smut #bts x oc #bts #namjoon x reader #namjoon x y/n #namjoon x you #namjoon x oc #smut fic #bts fic #bts fanfction #kpop fic

[ros3ybabe]

Day 1/90: 90-Day Challenge 🎀

Here we go again!!

Happy 1st of Febrary, lovelies 🩷

I was initially planning on coming back starting Monday but omg was I so tired after working all weekend and trying to keep up with school work. And now tomorrow is Friday, again? At least I'm not working double shifts this weekend, thankfully.

🏋‍♀️ Physical Health

walked ~10k steps

ordered some groceries

attempted to go to the gym (was having a bad day so it did not work out like that)

🧠 Mental Health

not much, but had a well needed, sorta relationship check in with my boyfriend due to some worrisome and upsetting dreams I had the previous night

♥️ Emotional Health

distracted myself from being sad and grumpy

📚 Intellectual Health

completed and submitted my 1st psyc assignment

planned homework for the next week in my planner

wrote down a sheet of things to remember for chemistry

🏘 Adulting

recieved my new insurance card in the mail and the virtual copy as well

set up an appointment with my therapist for this month

set up an appointment with my psych doctor for this month

set up an appointment with my PCP for this month

submitted an order for my birth control + other medication thru my pharmacy app

paid rent + made a credit card payment

🥰 Self Care

washed a load of laundry

scheduled some cleaning chores for the weekend afternoons

set up a morning routine (in my notes app) for me to begin following

bought some more electrolyte waters for the week

today was honestly not the best day for me mental health wise, if I'm being completely honest. I nearly cried a little but, was definitely overly mean to myself, and felt like garbage for a good part of today. but that didn't stop me from making myself a good dinner, relaxing a bit, being productive, and ending the day in a good mood.

I have no clue what tomorrow's post is going to look like since I have an 8am to 230pm class (we're going to be cooking for ourselves in preparation for the mini restaurant well be running next week). Right after class I'll have to change my shirt and head up a small hill on campus to my job, where I'll work from about 3pm to 930ish pm. so we will see what happens in tomorrow's update!

til next time lovelies 🩷

#pink pilates girl #pink pilates princess #self care #self development #self love #wonyoungism #it girl #health & fitness #mental health #physical health #it girl self care #it girl energy #becoming that girl #that girl energy #that girl #clean girl #green juice girl #pink aesthetic #pilates aesthetic #pink moodboard #pink blog #pink academia #uni student aesthetic #university student #college student #student life #girl blogger #feminine energy #high value woman #studyblr

[delicatebarness]

winters child | pilot

Summary: How it all began.

Warnings: Slight MCU Spoilers. Talks of Young Pregnancies Against Will, Mentions of Still Birth. Mentions of Physical Fighting. It is a story about a child born into Hydra and The Red Room, just expect the worst. You are responsible for your own media consumption.

Word Count: 1278

Masterlist | Next Episode

A/N: There are three POVs in this story. Natasha's, Bucky's & Reader's. Each has its own respective emphasis'. As shown previously, Natasha's POV will be Italic, Bucky's POV in Bold, and Reader's POV will be the regular option. Any 'Talking Heads' will be in 'Small'. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I have come up with the idea and written it! As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated. Side Note: I am posting this chapter now to collect thoughts/feedback. If it is requested for more then it will be weekly on Wednesdays when new chapters are released.

Tags:

I DO NOT CONSENT TO HAVE MY WORK POSTED, TRANSLATED, OR PUBLISHED TO ANY THIRD-PARTY SITE OR APP. IF ANYONE SEES MY WORK ANYWHERE BUT HERE, IT HAS BEEN REPOSTED WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

Act One

The Red Room. Every corner harbored secrets, and whispers. They echoed a weight of betrayal. She was one of many Black Widows trained there to become the best of KGB spies. As well as Ballet but that was only a cover. That was where she met him.

"Meeting The Winter Soldier was, chilling, he was an enigma. I remember the room would go silent, and the air would feel heavy like every breath was a reminder of the darkness that processed him. He sent shivers down my spine."

The products of manipulation and trauma, forged with purpose, get information and kill. She did see the echoes of herself within him, and the longer he trained her, the more she saw. The Red Room watched closely as they dodged each other's attacks in a delicate balance. Seamlessly. Watching their crafted weapons and experiments working together in harmony, they couldn't help but wonder.

"I was different, I watched every day as each girl would be taken and come back... sterilized. With each passing day, more of them would go and I would be left behind, still a working machine. Until it was my time."

Another violation of Natasha's humanity was what they did next to her. Turning her once again into another one of their tools for twisted agendas.

"It wasn't until I released the Hydra files that the lies began to unravel. I carried a baby, a baby girl. They used me as an incubator, to produce another Black Widow. Or so I thought. My pregnancy was if you take out the how it happened part, normal. I had morning sickness, stretch marks everything. It was her birth that was the issue."

Nashata had nine months to prepare for the motherhood she expected to experience at the end. Nine months believing that she would be free, no more ballet, no more spy work. She could be a mother. Unfortunately a mother to a child destined to become the same as her. It would be different, she would protect the child. She would use the skills she has already learned to free them both.

"I never got to see the child I carried. I didn't hear a cry. Medics and Scientists surrounded me, surgical lights were blinding me, and my hormones were everywhere. I asked for her. I kept asking for her."

The baby's existence had been concealed from Natasha, more lies and manipulation had her believe that she had lost the child at birth. Her hope was lost. She no longer could see the freedom she had been dreaming of.

"I worked hard. I became the best spy The Red Room created and then, I got out. When I released the files, I knew I had to find out more about what happened all them years ago. Even if it was just why it happened. What was their end goal? I never expected to find out that all this time, she was alive. "Дитя зимы" was what she was referenced as in all their files. Winter's Child. She was nameless, her only identity was a reference to her 'father'. That was when I realized my child was also his. They were breeding soldiers."

Act Two

After the fall of Hydra, everyone fled. The baby who had grown into a worthy assassin was now an average 21-year-old, who had no idea how to take care of herself unless it was in a fight, fending for herself. She didn't know what was happening, there were too many conversations, yelling, and rushing happening at once for her to focus. Watching all these workers she had grown up around in chaos, scrambling to protect whatever information they could, she saw the opportunity and she ran. They failed to conceal their biggest secret, their deadliest weapon.

"One thing I think everyone is forgetting is, I wasn't brainwashed. I never forgot who I was after a mission or a trigger like The Winter Soldier did. That was all I knew, I never had a life before that. I didn't have any triggers. Yet, at the same time, I was still a child, I was still a teenager and now, I'm learning that my upbringing wasn't 'normal'. I just want to explore life as a 'normal'."

Betraying her years of training, she ran as far as she could. Not stopping until she could no longer hear hurried footsteps or the cacophony of echoes. Taking a moment to catch her breath, her thoughts kept running. The only life she had was currently crumbling around her.

"All I could think about was my life is over. Again, I never had a life before Hydra. And, that realization kicked in pretty fast once I was outside for the first time without someone else or a comm in my ear. For the first time, I was curious about what life was beyond my bedroom, the training room, or his office."

After continuing to run, she found herself trying to navigate her way through unfamiliar streets. How was this so close to where she had lived for two decades but never knew of its existence? She couldn't help but feel excited over the newfound freedom, a possibility she never had dared to dream about before. While lost in thought, she almost missed the News broadcast playing on a storefront TV. "Hydra's Reign of Terror Over - Natasha Romanoff speaks on releasing secret files..." She read along with the 'Breaking News' segment.

"Yeah, I read the files. That was how I found out who my parents were also. It was a strange experience reading them and having flashbacks of training with my dad but knowing that wasn't the knowledge I had at the time."

Act Three

The soldier, even though it was against his instincts as a trained assassin, always felt protective over the girl and a type of responsibility. She was small yet incredibly powerful. As they sparred in the training rooms, he would watch her throwing punches toward him, hitting his ribs perfectly. He began to admire her movements, using her ballet training to always be able to get around him. He couldn't help but recall an older widow he trained who moved extremely similarly.

"As a kid, she didn't half give back as much as she took. She was determined in every training session to impress everyone who studied her. No matter how tough of a challenge they threw at her, she never backed down. Funny, I knew another punk who was just like that."

While he was tasked with training her, a dormant side of him was learning from her too. The man he was inside would begin to reach out, she was only a child, and the voice would echo this in his mind as he began to awaken. As the years went on and he watched her grow under his guidance, it became easier for the soldier to come back from the brainwashing. Which, was causing problems outside of their training bubble.

"I believe if I could have controlled it, I would have stayed as The Winter Soldier in that moment. They were worried that I was 'waking up' and that she was the reason why. I mean, it was true. The more time I spent with her in the training room, the more our bond grew and it did start to feel more human."

Although the soldier was unaware that the girl was in fact, his flesh and blood, something in him believed she was his in spirit. He grew a paternal instinct to protect her, and their bond grew fiercely, just like father and daughter.

"No, I didn't know she was my kid."

~

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x y/n #falcon and the winter soldier #catws #bucky fanfic #bucky x female reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #dad!bucky barnes x daughter!reader #mum!natasha romanoff x reader #the avengers x reader #the winter soldier #dad!tony stark x daughter!reader #james bucky barnes #the avengers #tony stark x reader #tony stark #bucky fic #james bucky buchanan barnes #avengers endgame #white wolf #the winter solider x reader #steve rogers #Steven rogers x reader

[idontlikeem]

i'd like to talk about grieving, a little bit. as in the past, discussions of death and cancer below the cut, don't read if this will hurt you, etc....i'm having a bad day and i just need to stream of consciousness for a little bit. sorry.

so my mom died. if you've read my personal posts before or whatever, you probably figured that out. it happened on thursday february 15th around noon. luckily we had a bit of notice that it was coming, so i was able to drive down the saturday prior and spend time with her—three full days where she was pretty much still herself, and part of a fourth.

it's been a really hard month. like, obviously. but i think a part of me still wasn't quite ready for it. i don't know how.

my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2011. she had a mastectomy and went through chemo, and that was hard and scary, but it was i think technically considered stage one—a tumor that was definitely growing fast, but it hadn't spread out of the area, like not to her lymph nodes or anything, and with the treatment she went almost ten years totally symptom-free. right at the start of the pandemic, the cancer came back, but this time it was already stage four, and it was in her abdomen and uterus and intestines.

there was a time when we weren't sure she'd live more than a year. endometrial and other reproductive cancers aren't 'sexy' like breast cancer is, they're not widely studied and there aren't a lot of treatment options. when she had breast cancer i hated 'save the boobies' campaigns (and please never donate to susan komen), but now that my family has lived with another type of cancer that doesn't have tits as a draw, i hate them even more.

my mom made it four years, pretty much, since the first diagnosis. she did chemo, and radiation, and went on medication trials, and put her body through hell to try and fight it. she lived longer than i think any of us thought she would.

the problem with that is how long i've been existing in a state of grief.

i've had years to prepare for this. i've thought about it literally thousands of times—how i'd feel, how i'd tell people, what i'd do after. i pictured it, because i was trying to plan. i was trying to get myself ready.

turns out pre-grieving isn't real. turns out you can't get this pain out of the way by experiencing it in advance. much to my chagrin. i'm not sure there was a way to avoid it, though. so here i am, with four years of grief behind me, and not one second of it has made what's going on now any easier.

some days i forget. every time i'm on twitter or instagram, there are posts i want to send her, and then i don't know what to do with myself. for all that my relationship with her had its hard times, she was my mom, she was my best friend. i love her more than anything and i don't know what to do with myself now that she's gone.

i've been sort of just surviving for the last four weeks. my apartment is a mess, i'm barely leaving, i haven't been good at responding to people. so today i thought i'd at least clean up a little. i'd gone to target a day or two before i drove down to my parents', and i figured i would start with those bags, because they were just sitting there.

i'd forgotten that i bought valentine's day cards for my whole family that i wanted to send. one for each of my brothers, one for my dad, one for my mom. i never sent them, obviously, i didn't even bring them with me. i burst into tears when i pulled them out of the bag, and i've been crying pretty much all day since then. i'm never going to pick out a card for my mom ever again.

i also have a notes app file sitting on my phone. she wrote each of us letters, and my dad sent them out to us, but i haven't been able to open mine yet. it's the last new thing she'll ever say to me. how could i possibly be ready for that? how do i know when the right time to read that will be?

one thing my mom wanted was to die at home. she didn't want it to be in a hospital, and i get it. she spent a month in the hospital after christmas, and god knows how much time cumulatively over the last four years. the fact that she was able to push to get home is something i don't understand, because she was so sick—but she did it somehow. she was able to die in her bed.

and i was with her. like. i wasn't just at home, i was with her.

something they don't tell you about having someone die is you have to start arranging stuff before it actually happens. when we woke up on the 15th, we knew it was only a matter of time—her eyes weren't all the way open and her breath was labored, and she couldn't talk, although at first she still tried to say stuff. we sat there with her and kept her company and talked to her. hospice came by around 11 or 11:30, i don't even remember, and said that based on whatever measurements or readings they take (pupils? breathing? i don't know), it would be between 4-8 hours, and he recommended that my dad call the funeral home. because you have to do that first.

so my youngest brother was driving down from where he lives, my middle brother was in his room, my dad was in his room on the phone, and i stayed with her, because....well, of course, right? and i was just kind of talking, and crying, but trying not to...i don't know, beg her to stay? ask for more time? the nurse said she could still hear, they're pretty sure that hearing and understanding what's being said is the last thing to go, and i didn't want her to feel bad or guilty, or to hurt herself in an effort to stay longer even though there's nothing more that i've ever wanted in my life.

so i told her, you know, we'll be okay. it's going to be unbearably sad, and it's going to suck, but all the stuff we did as a family with her—we'll still do it. and we'll be okay. and there's nothing more important to us than her not hurting anymore, not being miserable and stuck and just...not herself. all that matters to us right now is her, and she didn't have to worry about us, because we'd be okay.

and she took in a breath. there was a pause. she took in another one. and she stopped. that was it.

i didn't even realize at first, not right the second it happened. the hospice booklet had talked about a 'death rattle', about how it happens almost all the time, but that it's more distressing for the people with the person dying than them, that they're not in pain. how the fuck would they know that, i'm not sure i believe it, but...it's what i was expecting. that didn't happen, though. she just stopped breathing.

the amount of guilt i felt for my dad being out of the room...i don't know if that will ever leave me. he said it was ok, because he was having to deal with stuff, and he'd spent a lot of time with her and it was fine, but jesus. how do i not feel like i stole that from him?

i've felt like a shell ever since. i'm back where i live, and i'm getting up and going to work and taking care of my dog and trying to stay connected to life, but...i don't know.

how is it that she's gone? how is this possible? how am i supposed to go the rest of my life without her?

i had four years to get ready for this, and i wasn't. i don't think there's any way i really could have been, but still. it doesn't seem fair that it was so hard for so long, and for NOTHING. nothing is easier now.

i'm sick of feeling sad, and hurt. i feel like i should be over it or something? i don't know, maybe just less actively affected? it's been a month. people's parents die all the time, right?

what am i supposed to do?

#personal

[connectionterminated13]

(For the fallout au) is Charlie a character in the au? Or Henry? I think Charlie would have a blast traipsing around the wasteland lol

Yes! There's a lot of lore to this LOL sorry it's so long

Just like in normal fnaf Henry and William make fazbear entertainment together! But they don't just run a diner instead they sell family friendly robots and (also run a diner chain). Both William and Henry are able to get enough spots for their families in a vault Because of their wealth.

Anyway the bombs drop and Henry and Charlie are able to make it to the vault and so is William but Mrs. Emily or Afton along with Sammy, Evan Elizabeth and Michael. William is immediately declared overseer, Well Charlie and Henry morn their lost loved ones. William mostly tried to push past the grief of losing his wife and children focusing on being the overseer, What he didn't know was vault tech had specifically chose him as the overseer for the experiment of the vault. They wanted to see what would happen if someone with multiple mental illnesses was forced into a leader position.

Anyway over the first year in the vault William became increasingly paranoid that radiation would leak through the walls and began constructing Antimatronic suits to protect himself and others, He began to convince almost every resident of the vault of this too, Spiking paranoia except for Charlie and Henry who both knew how science worked. But Charlie was too young so no one listened to her and Henry was too busy being sad... And life kind of continued on for a while everyone paranoid and scared but trying their best to live until 1 day Charlie got a message on her pit boy that someone with Michael's pit boy was trying to enter the vault.

Charlie despite the danger decided to open the vault for a minute. And income tumbling Michael and Elizabeth. Of course the vault door being open made everyone go into lock down fearing that the radiation was going to get them, This terror only intensified upon seeing Michael who was basically in the middle of his transformation into a ghoul. Michael was locked in a containment area well Elizabeth who seemed to be unscathed by the radiation was immediately given medical attention. William took advantage of everyone's fear Telling them that what was happening to Michael was going to happen to them all if they didn't prepare. Well everyone in the vault was freaking out Michael was dealing with his body decaying, The only person who would even get near his isolation area was Charlie who came every day with food and water and medical supplies, Henry came too but very rarely since he was basically just a shut in at that point Only asking if Michael knew where Sammy and Mrs. Emily were.

After only 2 months William decided that Michael would be thrown back out into the wasteland to not contaminate the Vault any further, Charlie was the only one who disagreed watching as Mike was forced out. After Michael left things quieted down for about 4 years, William told everyone that Elizabeth had died from injuries sustained in the wasteland and people moved on.. Until Slowly children started disappearing. William blamed it on Sickness Caused by the radiation which no one really believed but there wasn't really anything else to believe. This happened for about 2 years with everyone living in complete and utter terror that their children would be taken in the middle of the night, It went on like this until Charlie caught William in the act of kidnapping a child. She tried to tell everyone but only a few people listen to Her. The few that listened all left the vault with Charlie. But Henry chose to stay inside with William.

Charlie and the other people of the vault resettled hurricane Utah, Charlie lived a relatively happy life there, And you're right she did enjoy it in the wasteland. For a while she tried to find Michael but eventually gave app he was gone... And even if she did find him Charlie knew the community that she was a part of would not accept him. So Charlie Grew old and married a man named John and a couple kids and passed away, Not knowing what happened to her father down in the vault.

What happened to Henry down on the vault if you're curious is the same thing that happened to everyone else. William shoved everyone in a suit, He ripped apart the vault basically to make more, And of course he put Henry in one since he didn't want his sweet Henry to ever die. Luckily Henry isn't mindless like The others but he's lonely. He mostly just spends his time making more machines.

Sorry this was so so so long I thought I'd use this ask to establish a bit more of the Lore for my AU :) Also I don't think the Henry thing is set in Stone as much as the stuff with Charlie I'm still working on this after all LOL

#Fallout x fnaf au #william afton #charlie emily #henry emily #fnaf au

[qrttt-takk]

Random Webecca/Rebesker HC's I've had cooking in my brain after playing RE5 Mercenaries United way too many times

⁽⁠⁽⁠◝⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠௰⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠◜⁠⁾⁠⁾ ₍⁠₍⁠◞⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠௰⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠◟⁠₎⁠₎

(I'm basing damn near all of these off this AU where Wesker isn't a traitor bastard and is actually loyal to STARS)

(sorry 4 any grammar errors in advance (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠))

-Wesker hates it when Chambers insists upon coming with him on these dangerous missions, the possibility of her dying is all too real and he'd never forgive himself if she died while he was there. Despite arriving in complete opposites of the map, he tries to find her as fast as possible, rushing past the hordes of zombies without a care to his own self (resulting in wounds and hits Rebecca has to patch up later)

-Rebecca always manages to pull her own weight, after all she has surprisingly powerful guns at her disposal, she feels useful and powerful despite being a medic. If anything she worries that Wesker's cockiness and need to show off would get him seriously injured. However they do work effectively as a team (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

-Seeing how Rebecca wears chokers all the time, Wesker spends a good amount of money into getting her a custom made one, (and an embarrassing amount of time trying to work up the courage to give it to her), it's a dark shade of red made out of a comfortable yet flexible silk like material and has a brilliant emerald in the center that fits perfectly on her.... she also noticed a barely visible "A.W" carved on the inner back but brushed it off as maybe a designers signature (she wears it everyday and everywhere much to Wesker's delight)

-Rebecca only calls him Albert when she really wants him to do something or take her words/actions seriously (⁠*⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠)⁠/⁠～⁠♡

-He would never admit it, but Wesker finds himself seeking Rebecca out far more often than he'd like. Whether asking her to his office like twice a day or visiting Chambers on her lunch break, he has her schedule memorized to the exact minutes (causing him to often glance at his watch ((yeah it's pretty creepy but Rebecca finds it cute when he always brings her lunch)) He almost never misses an opportunity to go see his darling (⁠*⁠˘⁠︶⁠˘⁠*⁠)⁠.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡

He has a mini fridge in his office just for her, obviously full of snacks or drinks she loves (which works as an incentive for her to visit)

-He has a slight nagging worry that one day Rebecca might get tired or bored of him and leave him for someone closer to her own age, there are phrases or references she says that often confuse him so he does take the time to watch her favorite movies/TV shows with her to better understand "nowadays" culture

-She's always sending him tiktoks during work, he only has the app installed for that singular reason....sometimes he sends "???" When he doesn't really understand one making Rebecca explain why it's funny, the only responses he sends are "👍" or "😮‍💨"

-Rebecca definitely has his credit card on her Starbucks app, at first she felt guilty for spending his money but he insists that he has nobody to really spend money on

-She has to be careful mentioning ANYTHING she likes Infront of Albert because he will remember and buy it in large continuous amounts.

....One time when they went out to eat during their lunch break, she gushed about how good the peach parfait she ordered was and how peach was the best fruit no matter where you put it or how you prepared it. Wesker just listened to her happy rambling and Rebecca didn't think much of it when they went back to the station. However not even a week later Bravo team's break room fridge was packed to the brim full of anything and everything peach.....peach cakes, peach ice cream, peach yogurt, peach juice/soda, the whole nine miles...

It was only after her team's complaints and the medic practically begging him that he finally stopped....she didn't eat much peach after that

-Wesker takes it upon himself to learn various types of dishes to perfection just to impress Rebecca, every time she goes to spend the weekend at his house she always eats good 😋

-Rebecca is always calling him ridiculous pet names such as, "pookie bear" or "sugar muffin" He finds it ridiculous but endearing, the only pet names he uses for her are, "dear", "darling", and of course "good girl"

-Rebecca's innocence and genuine curiosity were the things that drew Wesker to her, he likes explaining things to her and discussing new developments regarding science/medicine. She always has different interesting opinions that he wouldn't really come up with or consider. She's really non-judgemental and clever too, making it pleasant to talk freely with her

-Wesker has definitely tried to get Rebecca transferred into Alpha team multiple times but Enrico always refuses saying she will always belong in Bravo team (which causes a LOT of arguing and tension between the captains)

This is getting too long and unorganized so that's it for now, I'll make a more organized part 2 because I'm definitely not done with these sillies (⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧

I also plan on making entire STARS team headcanons (re2 Leon included) so stayed tuned 4 that

#rebecca chambers #albert wesker #resident evil #webecca #i ship these two so hard #rebesker #resident evil headcanons #re5 #rebecca x wesker #wesker x rebecca #she's so hamster coded

[slexenskee]

hello!! i don’t know if you remember but i sent you an ask months ago about the best place to travel/has good food, and i’m happy to announce that i took the leap and my application for study abroad has been accepted! i am very nervous but your posts about traveling inspired me. do you have any tips for going to a foreign country?

Oh congrats that's awesome!!!

Ahh well tbh without knowing where you're going most of my travel tips will be a bit generic, and also, my trips are definitely never as long as a study abroad would be so the stuff I do for those might not apply either.

That being said, research if the country you're staying in will have your medication/skincare/beauty products etc., and stock up if they don't. You can easily buy things like new clothes and food, but if you have specific products you like they can be hard to come by! Medication especially, there is nothing worse than being sick in a foreign country where you can't read the language and don't know the names of any pharmacies. Also some countries won't let you take certain medication in, even prescribed - for ex, Japan doesn't let anyone take in ADHD meds. Not even with a prescription and a letter of medical necessity.

Know where/how to get to your country's embassy in the country you'll be in. This is mainly if you're not staying in the capital where the embassies normally are, and especially useful if you're going to be in the country for a while. Be prepared to just go directly if you run into any issues, because reaching out via phone or email is basically useless. They are usually quite helpful though. I had to reverse-course from Krabi and fly back to Bangkok to get an emergency passport in the middle of one of my trips - I thought it would be a stressful disaster, but I had it sorted out within a few hours. I couldn't find ANY information on what to do online, and they weren't answering their phones, so I just walked up and they let me cut the line as a citizen and then walked me through all the forms and stuff and had an emergency passport for me by lunch.

Depending on what kind of phone you have, you can download Airlo, which is a live saver for phone plans. It's data only, but it's a super simple to use and download e-sim where you can even get regional e-sims that will work in over 30+ countries. It's so helpful if you plan on traveling around.

And idk how old you are or where you're from, but having a credit card and debit account with access to online banking services is imperative. I've been able to travel to multiple countries without even using cash or a debit card and just using my credit card alone, but for a long stay that would be impossible. An online bank that you can transfer money/deposit money via taking a picture of a cheque on your phone is extremely convenient. Also having someone back home who has access to your accounts and can access them on your behalf is helpful. Depending on where you're going, you're probably also going to always need a lot of cash on hand. Europe is mostly card readers with tap to pay, but I've noticed SE Asia has a lot of 'cash only, or scan a qr-code and directly transfer to the merchant's bank account' merchants which is great if you live there but very inconvenient if you're a traveler who obviously doesn't have a bank account in the country. Japan is literally still COINS only in some places.

For transportation, look up what the taxi apps of choice are and make an account with them. Idk it's usually either Uber or Grab but sometimes I'll see a wildcard.

If the place you're going to has an entirely different written language, the Google Translate app is actually pretty darn spot on and the camera mode is very helpful. I've used it to translate my doujins before with difficult kanji 😂

That's all I can think of off the top of my head haha. Hope it helps!! And have fun!!

#ask #travel

[diginerve]

Starting a career in medicine may be thrilling and terrifying at the same time. Regular classes and the university's study resources offer a strong foundation for learning. However, since the pandemic started, online learning has grown in popularity and has been more deeply ingrained in curricula. The ability to study and practice medical subjects online has improved exposure, conceptual clarity, and preparation for the NEET PG/NExT exam.

#Best App for Medical Preparation #DigiNerve

[kittysdiary]

tips on getting ready for vacation? 💅🏼🗺️

Kitty’s Guide To A Perfect Vacay:

Summer is just around the corner so I’m sure many of you have your vacations planned out which means we have to make sure that we’re ready to enjoy ourselves and look good doing it. This also means having a set plan and staying organized. It’s so easy to get sidetracked and wrapped up in the views of our destination that we may forget things or feel rushed throughout the vacation. But not this time!

Preparation & Organization:

Use a checklist

Do your research

Keep a travel journal to document where you want to go, hotel names, restaurants, travel inspiration ideas + activities

Download important apps ex.) GPS or Translating apps

Designate a place for everything

Make sure you have good quality suitcases and bags

Put your personal items away after using them

Stage each outfit you plan on wearing

Use packing organizers

Keep up on your laundry

Schedule out your day + try to time your activities the best you can

Save your receipts

Restock toiletries

Know your budget

Clothes & Accessories:

Pack the day before your vacation and make sure you keep track of the weather to plan your outfit accordingly!

Maxi, midi and mini tube dresses

Bikinis

Light weight tops + tank tops

Low rise pants

Shorts + mini skirts

Tube tops

Sundresses + maxi skirt

A jacket just in case of sudden weather change

Gold jewelry think anklets + toe rings

Mini bags + clutches

A cute beach bag

Tortoise sunglasses

Bottega Veneta & Jaquemus inspired shoes + purses

Flared pants

Strappy heels or sandals

Flip flops

Crop tops

Comfy shoes for sight seeing or hiking

Satin robes + pajamas

Linen fabric or airy fabric

Whites, soft earth tones and pastels

Beauty:

No makeup makeup

Light weight foundations + tinted moisturizers

Liquid blush, highlight + bronzer

Wispy lashes or babydoll lash extensions

Golden highlighter + body glitter

Fruity scented perfumes (Tom Ford Electric Cherry, Burberry Her Intense, YSL Mon Paris)

Juicy lipglosses

Body mist

Long lasting setting spray

Blotting powders or tissue

Sunscreen infused powders

Hairstyles: bohemian braids, bantu knots, waves, crimps, sleek high ponytails + tight buns

Essentials:

SPF!!!!!!

Deodorant

Travel water bottles

Disposable camera

ID, Passport + extra cash

Travel size clothes hamper

Mini fan or mister

Bug spray

Medication organizer + contact list

#my post #tips #kitty’s wishlist

[brooklynislandgirl]

YOUR MUSE'S INVENTORY. [original meme from @treasurechestrpmemes​.]

rules: list the things your muse carries in their pockets or bags in their every day life. (optional: explain their significance.) repost, don’t reblog.

The Nurse Shark || Beth Riley

I. Phone ~ Perpetually at 6-15% battery yet never actually runs out of power. She has the standard apps on it, plus ones she uses for work reference: NDR, PDR, CCN, Epocrates Essentials, Medscape, Pedi-Stat, and so on. Beth does have an Instagram account but rarely uses it. She also has a YouTube channel where she doles out advice on occasion. She isn't fond of social media. She does, however, enjoy having portable music. Her Hanai-Sister Jay is her ICE contact, and the first number on speed dial. The next 7 numbers are various take out places with delivery options.

II. Bone athame ~ This is probably Beth's most important item, one she never forgoes. Over eight inches in length, carved with sigils and symbols of her craft, this is her most unique foci, and also her most personal as it is made from her own bone, stained with her own blood. It was created during her initiation into her tradition with all the seriousness one can imagine. The ordeal was gruelling and is not something she really talks about. Typically if someone sees it, either their circumstances are dire or they've made a very final mistake. If Beth can't wear it openly or tuck it into her bag, she does have a space for it that isn't for the squeamish. Best not to ask questions.

III. A full advanced trauma and surgical kit ~ literally everything she would need to preform surgery in the most inconvenient place possible. And while the kit might actually weigh a full third or so of her body weight, there's still a coincidental effect overhanging it. She received it as a gift from her Hanai-Sister. Beth keeps everything fully stocked with fresh supplies.

IV. Leatherman Raptor ~ Sometimes you need the right tool and quickly. Can't waste time searching through your bag. Which is where the raptor comes in handy for Beth. The multi-tool combines stainless steel folding medical shears, a strap cutter, a ring cutter, a ruler, an oxygen tank wrench, and a carbide glass breaker, for mobile/crash emergencies. V. Her brother's zippo/matches ~ For reasons, sometimes a girl needs fire. VI. Coffee ~ Not exactly carried in her bag, Beth typically is never seen out of her house without roughly 30 ounces of Kona coffee, often time a quad shot vanilla coconut milk or soy latte.

VII. Snacks ~ nuts, seeds, granola, shelf-stable applesauce or pudding, maybe pop-tarts or whatever small and quick thing she can get her hands on. Great for a quick boost to one's blood sugar, and often time the only meal she can manage to get in a typical day.

VIII. Burt's Bees Lip Balm ~ Beth keeps two tubes of it with her all the times, a coconut & pear clear balm, and a tinted lip balm usually hibiscus or red dahlia shares.

IX. A novel or two ~ whatever book Beth is reading at the time. She prefers actual books with pages. She has no preference between paper or hard back.

X. A spare pair of slippahs ~ You never know when you're going to have a flip-flop incident, so it's better to be prepared just in case.

XI. A few travel sized toiletries ~ clean pair of underwear {or bikini bottoms}, toothbrush and paste, hair brush, deodorant. Shampoo and conditioner, moisturiser, soap, lotion, her favourite essential oil perfume, dental floss. XII. Wallet ~ ID, credit cards, debit card, somewhere in the neighbourhood of one hundred dollars in various paper money, half used subway passes, upwards of four half used loyalty cards for Jay's coffee shop, spare car key, spare house key. And three non-slip, tangle free hair elastics {rubber bands}. XIV. Almost comically oversized sunglasses ~ {which can, if need be, slip over her regular reading glasses. Beth does not like contacts. XV. Her work keys/hospital credentials. Because she works. And stuff.

tagged by: the ever lovely Bun who pretends to be in charge of @hxllblazer tagging: Heave-ho, all together {but particularly @kylo-wrecked and @nightmarefuele}

#Glowing Like The Metal|Dash Games #She's Talking to Angels {Bethisms} #{{Yes-- essentially Beth can absolutely survive a weekend with the things she carries with her.}}

[thetoaddaddy]

@riyu-uzumaki

Notes: Werewolf au. Mod au. Supernatural creatures and humans are exposed and aware of each other but don’t completely coexist peacefully. Medication has been developed to assist supernatural creatures.

Jiraiya tried his best to hide it. People don’t like his kind. They think he’s.. dangerous. And in a relationship with a mother with two little boys… well.. it’s questionable. Even with medication it lingers. It aches. Like a deep itch needing to be scratched. 

As a full moon gets closer the more irritated he gets. Taking the family to a nearly off grid acreage seemed like a good idea at the time. It’s quiet. It’s isolated. It’s self sustaining. They’re the only humans he liked… he wanted to protect them from all the other monsters out there. Most are reasonable but others are truly evil. They go into the city from time to tome but always with him and only when absolutely needed. 

With the boys helping all the chores aren’t so bad. They’re adorable.. often they get distracted mid task to do something else. Usually with Adam fixated on digging a hole and Idris walking around with the chickens. Riyu is.. amazing. She keeps busy with helping on the small farm they’ve made or even going to assist neighbours with their health even if it did take half a day to get to their land. 

With a heavy swing Jiraiya imbeds the axe back into the chopping block. He rubs his forehead as he leaned back to stretch out his shoulders. Lately it’s been worse. His skin was crawling for relief. The fever was setting in. 

He sighs and heads back in to get his medicine. Firewood can wait. He’s never told her. He’s told no one. The bite mark on his leg he excused as getting bit by a mountain lion while on a hunting venture. He heads to the back of the master closet to the lockbox. The combination is known only to him. He knows it bothers Riyu but the prescription was plainly clear, especially to a nurse like her. While the supernatural are known and mingling in society no creature is ever without its stigma. More so for ones like him. Ones turned by the parasitic nature of tainting the blood with their vile conditions. 

Jiraiya opens the box. 

Fuck… Fuck! 

He’s out. He was sure he had another months worth! He slams the box closed again. As if to mock him for his poor preparation his phone dings with an electronic owl hoot. It’s the alarm for a lunar app tracker. Lunar creatures and humans alike use it. Creatures like him who need a little extra reminder of the phases of the moon. Humans for the same thing. They get paranoid around the time the moon is full. 

With a sigh he exits the bedroom. Checking his phone.. yes it is a full moon tonight. The alert told him to take emergency suppression medication or go to a safe location. Real handy. Well out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by woods he’s free to transform without leering eyes, terrified people and hunters. He called the boys inside before telling Riyu to come outside. He can’t hide it. While he’s still conscious and him when he’s all furry… he’s just prone to be more impulsive. But he’s lucky. Accounts from other werewolves he’s heard lose all sense of self. 

“Just.. walk with me.. into the woods for a bit.” Jiraiya whispered. 

He led the way until the light from the house was distant. Enough so the boys won’t hear but close enough that Riyu can run away. It’s dusk, the sun is nearly gone. The moment he gets a glimpse of moon he won’t be able to resist it. The nights are getting chilly. The fever made it comfortable. He turns to face her. He pulls his shirt off and kicks off his shoes. 

“I’m sorry I never told you this before. I just.. didn’t want you to be afraid of me.. I never intended to ever transform again but...” He explains as he undoes his pants and pulls them off. He pulls the pill bottle out of his pocket before dropping his pants to the forest floor. He tosses the bottle to her. In case she didn’t believe him that should make it clear. “I’m fully sentient like I am now. I can’t talk. But I won’t hurt you.” 

Casting his eyes up to the sky he sees it peeking out. Moonlight. Given it was years of suppressing it his curse couldn’t wait to break free. The mere hint was enough. 

The worst part about being aware was he felt it all. The more feral ones black out after they see the moon. After a deep breath he folds like a cheap suitcase. Pain riddled his body as limbs transform and body turns. It looked as if his long white hair consumed him as fur sprouted in the same colour all over his body. His boxers shred apart as he grows into a massive beast. 

When it ended he was less a man more a wolf. Bipedal, with more humanoid arms was all that really deferred the wolf and werewolf. Everything else was rather natural. Long thick white fur. A long fluffy tail and rounded ears. Claws and fangs. The face is full wolf with the only difference being the eyes. Intelligent calm eyes. The lanky nature of the arms made it clear that it was uncanny even on all fours. Jiraiya remained crouched, fur fluffed up and eyes watching her. He didn’t blame Riyu if she ran away screaming. He is after all just a monster. 

#riyu #closed thread #monster au

[ultimatebabygirlsupremebattle]

Alright, here's where we're at everybody!

The left bracket semifinals featuring @probably-not-a-rutabaga and @less-depresso-more-espresso will be posted at the usual time next week!

The 'Biggest nerd' mini tournament will be posted next Saturday (Eastern Standard Time) as usual, unfortunately this time we can't allow last second submissions, as we're trying to lessen our stress right now, but we're hoping that any interested participants were preparing based on the calendar and made a start on their submissions over the last week, when the 'Biggest nerd' submissions were originally supposed to be open

As for the right bracket semifinals (which will be posted the week after as always), instead of following up via DMs like before we figured we'd just ask here, @avidlylivid @cpunkhobie @glitter-alienzzz @teenagemutanttransgenderturtles, have you all thought up a team name yet? (Its fine if not, there are a lot of you and we haven't properly asked yet, but try to come up with one before your semifinals!)

Anyone interested in a more personal update can look below the read more! (Warning for descriptions of oral surgery and recovery, for those who didn't know. It does get detailed because we ramble a lot.)

So! Surprise surgery! It was definitely a lot, we were on a two year waiting list to have all of our wisdom teeth removed at a hospital closer to the city (we're hella rural, we're lucky we have a hospital at all, but no specialists actually live here), but on Monday morning last week we got a call saying the person who was going to be operated on by the once-a-year visiting specialist cancelled at the last second, so that day we went to the hospital and went over the details of the surgery, and then we were told it was going to happen the next day. We still could have turned it down, but it was a crazy opportunity because the two year wait would be removed, and we would get to have the surgery done in our home town (travel is intense on us, and the original hospital is 6 hours away). So we agreed (with no real chance to communicate inwardly about it, a lot of us are rightfully upset about the lack of warning and preparation time).

(Extra space for app notification users, since opening via notification automatically opens the readmore)

The surgery itself went well, general anaesthesia isn't as bad as we thought it would be, we didn't even stay awake long enough for the "count down from 10" thing you see in movies and shows, and next thing we knew there were nurses in front of us asking if we wanted water or anything.

The problems came (and are still coming) after. We have a sensory based eating disorder (ARFID, to be specific), and impulsively having oral surgery done (in the mouth, where an insane amount of senses are) kinda is making life impossible. We went to the ER the day after our surgery because nausea was messing us up real bad, but when on nausea meds and plenty of painkillers food just....its really rough. Obviously solids are out of the question (even now when we're starting to get out of the danger zone), but that leaves liquids and.....have you ever noticed how liquids are only ever sweet? Sweet is not our preferred taste. With the way our ARFID is, our body's way of rejecting food is our throat closing up and just straight up not letting anything go down, so forcing ourselves to eat is physically impossible. Its the end of the day, as we're typing this, and all we've managed to eat is a cup of yoghurt and a little bit of jelly. Its been really bad.

On top of all this, we can barely sleep, the limited ways we can lay down make getting comfortable really rough, and when we do eventually fall asleep we wake up a few hours later because the pain meds are wearing off. We do best at 10 hours of sleep a day, and we're only getting 6 right now. This and the lack of food leaves us bedridden, the medical issues we already have aren't happy with us.

Its hard to say how well we're healing up, we're too squeamish to actually look, but there's been minor outside improvements like the level of pain when the meds wear off and how wide we can open our mouth (swallowing is also pain free now), so we're not too concerned. Still really want a follow up appointment with the dentist soon.

We've been getting a lot of help from our support worker with everything, we normally don't rely on her too heavily but its definitely been needed, and might still be needed for a while even as recovery starts to speed up because there is definitely going to be recovery time from this recovery.

Do we regret it? Sometimes, but this surgery would have had to happen eventually anyway, and under more taxing conditions too. We're trying to keep that fact in mind as much as possible.

Still, we're never agreeing to next-day surgery again.

....maybe.

.........it depends on if it saves us from travelling for the surgery.

[drpreetityagilecturers]

The Best Mobile Application for Medical Students by Dr. Preeti Tyagi

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#MedicalEducation #physiology #drpreetityagi #StudyApp #turningbrain #bđs #nursingstudent #humanphysiology #MedicalStudents #hinglishlectures #DownloadNow #mobileapps #BrainApp #mbbs #drpreetityagilectures #physiologylectures #bestmedical #anatomy

[meg2md]

We're recovering.

A month on gynecology, my favorite rotation, helped. Better hours, got to participate in a couple of hysterectomies (doing about 1/3 as an R2 isn't bad, and even got a couple vag hysts under my belt), went to the gym more frequently, spent time with MIGS attendings and made some decisions/organized plans to move me towards MIGS applications next year, deepened some friendships.

I'm on MFM now, which I'm neutral towards. I hated it last block, but this block I'm mentally doing better. I'm motivated to read (I've gone pretty in depth on cervical insufficiency and incidental short cervical lengths, aortopathies, anticoagulation in pregnancy, and syphilis). I don't like early hours and long MFM rounding, but I do like reading! I do like learning! I've enjoyed listening to my attendings diffuse hard situations (a 30 weeker with ICP demanding delivery) and bad news (a new diagnosis at term of fetal hypoplastic left heart syndrome). Nothing I want to do in my career, but it's at list enriching to experience.

I'm making small steps with research: submitted my first IRB for my residency project, made my second round of manuscript revisions for for my medical school project, trying to get an away research rotation to bolster my CV for MIGS. I'm slowly putting project pieces together for my advocacy extracurriculars: organizing an ACOG event, building a webinar for the new OB/GYN application. I got back into my favorite organization app (Omnifocus) and am trying to keep on top of all these tasks and my bills and the miscellaneous texts I need to send. I feel like maybe things are coming together.

I am, however, struggling to balance learning and free time. I come home and read, read, read for work and then don't get a lot of free time and get overwhelmed and burn out. A symptom of my new ADHD diagnosis? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Doesn't matter, I still need to figure out how to cope. It's Sunday and I'm working on MFM and MFM-adjacent things until 5 PM and then I'll try to relax. One of my best friends visited this weekend which was the only reason I wasn't working unnecessarily hard on Saturday.

I go to nights next. 5 weeks of it, which will be the longest I've ever done. I like nights in the sense that at this point in the year I'll hopefully be first pick for arrest cesareans, and my job will be keeping an eye on antepartum and covering the gyne service/consults. Ante is usually somewhat quiet overnight and I like gyne. But 5 weeks? 14-16 h shifts? No sunlight, free time? It will be rough. At least I have 4/5 weekends. And I'll be working on this new medication trial. Which is a mess in and of itself.

But, again, we're healing. And I'm working really, really hard to make sure I'm set up for success as I become a senior next year, especially with being the Saturday 24 h call chief taking care of every single service! It's terrifying but also exciting, because while the growth is going to be fucking painful, I'll be so well-prepared for my true chief year coming out of it.

So uhhhh. We'll see. Life is ups and downs. Finally, I'm on a long-overdue upswing.

#residency #medical school #medblr #med school #gradblr #premed #studyblr

[oldfangirl81]

PSA

This is for those that live in California in particular. We are at the start of fire season. Now is a good time to make sure you are prepared. Seconds can make a big difference in getting out safe.

Make sure you have an emergency bag packed. But if you don't then keep a bag where you put your dirty clothes. Clothes can be washed when you are safe but at least you'll have clothes you know fit/you wear regular that can be grabbed quickly.

If you can put extra meds in it the emergency bag do it. If not then another option is to always keep your meds/medical supplies in a box/bag you can grab easily if you have to evacuate.

Figure out what works best for up to the minute information for you. CalFire does have a Twitter account.

I use an unofficial app because I am extra nervous from past fires.

Biggest thing is if you get told to evacuate then do it! Staying in areas under evacuation increases the danger to both first responders and you.

And make sure you have at least kn95 masks because even if you are safe from the fire the smoke is not something to play with. And it can travel distances.

And here is official information link:

#Wildfire Preparedness Week #fire safety #california